How to Come Out in the Apocalypse

by ev_soul14

Summary:

It's been one month since the rift split Hawkins into four scarily equal quadrants and everything began falling apart worse than ever before. Monsters prowl the streets like they own them. Max is still in a coma with no sign of her waking, though her body is slowly healing. El tries on a regular basis to get her to wake, with no success. Everyone mourns Eddie, especially Dustin, who feels responsible for his death. At the center of it all, though, is Nancy's quiet torment. Nightmares. Headaches. Nosebleeds. It was the same path Max had walked before nearly losing her life. But nobody has seen signs of Vecna. But Will insists he is out there, recovering. When he strikes, it will be even worse than ever. They'd barely made it out the first time, how was there any hope of getting out now? They'd all need to work together to put an end to this evil for good.

Chapter 1: Breakup Season

April 19th, 1986, 6:36 P.M.

Byers household and surrounding streets 

“I just don’t think I can be with someone who..is too afraid to be honest…” Nancy clutched Jonathan’s college letter in her left hand. “I love you, Jonathan, but I can’t do this.” The boy in front of her looked baffled. 

“You’re breaking up with me because I got accepted into Lenora?” He asked in disbelief.

“No, because you lied to me, Jonathan,” she said, exasperated now. She put her handkerchief back over her mouth as she prepared to leave the house he was currently holed up in with Will and Joyce. She couldn’t find herself able to look him in the eye anymore.

“Fine. Okay.” His tone expressed the opposite. But Nancy knew that she wasn’t going to change her mind.

It wasn’t like this decision had been easy for her, but the time they had been apart just told her even more how much they didn’t…work…like they used to. They weren’t matching puzzle pieces that understood each other perfectly. And that was fine. Perfectly fine. Of course she loved him, but they were different people now who saw things differently. Including each other. What, did he expect them to be chained together their whole lives? Especially now, with the end of everything staring them in the face?

Nancy tightened the handkerchief and coughed. She needed a proper mask again, but she hadn’t intended on being out for long. Her mother and father were expecting her to come straight home. In all honesty, she had no desire to be outdoors longer than she had to. A loud snarl in the distance prompted her to walk faster, arms wrapped around herself. It seemed almost every part of the vision Vecna had given her had come true so far. What were they going to do now? It seemed like everyone was…waiting. Just waiting for everything to end. Things had never looked more hopeless than they did now.

As always, visibility was a nightmare even during the best of times these days, ever since the dark cloud had descended over the Hawkins skies. She switched on her flashlight, coughing harder. She had to move fast. Her bike laid abandoned about a block from the house. She’d get home faster on that. She wasted no time pedaling hard to get enough speed, for the snarling sounded closer now and she didn’t want to stick around to find out the source of it. She reached around to the shotgun that was strapped to her back to make sure it was secure. It was loaded, of course. Going out unarmed was foolish these days. Going out alone, even more so. But she can handle herself. Who was going to look out for her, her parents? What a goddamn joke.

She was certain her mother loved her, and her father…tolerated her. But beyond that, they felt less like parents and more like backdrops in her life. A house to sleep and eat in, a room to stay in. But was it home? Even when her naive self had had no idea of this other world and was focused on impressing Steve and his friends, her mother had had no idea about any of her activities. Not until Mike had blabbed because he was upset about Will being missing. It was in her mind that had solidified that love was not enough to keep a relationship alive. She loved Steve, she loved Jonathan. But it just wasn’t enough. Both men had let her go, just like that. Not a single effort to change or get her to stay. Like they just assumed it was all a lost cause.

As her street came into view, a force from behind her knocked her clean off her bike, onto the road, roll roll roll…into the grass. Something with claws and entirely too many teeth stood on her chest and screamed in her face, spit flying. A few weeks ago, she would’ve been screaming in terror. But now, she just calmly pulled her gun out from under her and blasted the creature in the face, sending it flying away from her. She didn’t shoot it any further and made her way inside, wiping blood off her face. She got back onto her bike and managed to coast into the garage. She entered through the front door, just like always. Her mother said nothing about the gunfire she must’ve clearly heard, and her father said nothing about how shooting a monster in the face no longer made her heart race in equal parts fear and satisfaction.

“Finally, Nancy,” Karen sighed. “I was about to start looking for you. What were you out there doing without proper protection?”

“I was…talking to Jonathan.” She didn’t feel like going into further detail than that with her father standing right there.

“Dinner in five,” Ted called as Nancy disappeared to her room. “Honestly these kids…”

Up in her room, Nancy felt safe. So many good memories in here. The hours she’d spend on the phone with Barb, scheming with Jonathan on her bed, getting disguises with Robin…oh Robin. She hadn’t thought about her in some time, not since the gate had opened. Of course she was busy with her new friend Vickie. They’d spent an awful lot of time together lately. Suddenly it made sense why Steve kept insisting he and Robin were “platonic with a capital P.” She was startled by her phone ringing. Something that hadn’t happened in awhile. She pulled off her mask and dropped it into the overflowing laundry basket, to be dealt with later. Whenever later happened to be. Nancy let her gun fall to the floor and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“H…Hey Nance…” She recognized Robin’s voice immediately without having to be reminded, even with all the tearful hitches and pauses.

“What’s wrong?” Her own problems felt far away now. The only thing that was in this room was her friend’s voice.

“I’m sorry Nancy. I’m…so sorry. About everything.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Why don’t you just tell me what happened?”

No answer, not at first anyway. Nancy was about to gently prompt her to respond when she heard another choked back sob, and then Robin spoke again.

“Vickie, she. I mean she wasn’t just some friend. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Maybe if I had…talked about it…I could’ve avoided this? I mean I don’t know, I feel kind of blindsided right now, I thought we had a connection, and it’s not like I have a ton of choices in fucking Hawkins, and so I was willing to put up with anything to have even a fraction of a chance-”

“Robin,” Nancy cut in softly. “Breathe.”

“Sorry,” she said again. But she was more subdued now.

“Why don’t you start with the beginning?”

“Vickie, the girl in band with me. You remember her, right, Nancy?” She wasn’t entirely sure, but she just wanted to keep Robin talking calmly and not freaking out.

“Yeah, I think so. What about her?”

“I lied. We weren’t just friends. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Steve…Steve is the only person I’ve told. He just wanted to protect me. You know? Sweet guy. But I meant it when we were just friends. But Vickie was supposed to be something more and I thought that she would be, but she was more ready than I was to be…public. So she…you know. It’s over. God, please don’t hate me Nancy. I don’t think that I could stand it.”

“I don’t hate you, Robin.”

“Oh.” The relief was palpable. “Oh okay. Jesus. You have no idea how much sleep I was losing over this, Nance.”

“I can’t believe you were dealing with this all by yourself. I’m your friend, I want you to be able to trust me Robin. And…I’m sorry about Vickie. You are right about this town though. We saw how they treated Eddie.” It was hard to even think about, remember what happened to him. The ultimate definition of unfair.

“Y-You’re right…” Robin sighed, and if Nancy was next to her she was certain she’d be able to see all the weight leaving her chest and shoulders. “I’m sorry. I’ve been talking about myself this whole time. How are you, then? How are you holding up?”

“Jonathan and I broke up.” Thankfully, the tone of her voice didn’t betray her emotion. She felt relieved, and she felt guilty for that. She was an awful, awful person for feeling this good about what should’ve been a bad ending to a really good story.

“Really? I thought you two were like, the power couple of all time or whatever.”

“It’s…more complicated than that, Robin. But it’s over now.”

“How do you feel? Are you okay?”

“Fine. Better than fine, actually. Is that bad? God, I feel so selfish.”

“Would it be so bad?”

“What?” 

Nancy rolled onto her back and looked at her bedroom ceiling. This would be so much easier if Robin was just here next to her. Instead she was alone. As if that was anything new for her. Ever since losing her best friend, she’d felt like she was drifting, purposeless unless there was some kind of disaster to throw herself into, or some wrong to set right again. At least she had Robin’s voice right in her ear as an anchor. It reminded her of Barb, but it felt different. God she hoped it would be different.

“To feel good about it, Nance. You said so yourself you’ve been drifting apart.”

“You’re sure…saying my name a lot. Don’t wear it out.” She teased quietly.

“Oh am I? Sorry, I’ll stop.”

“I’m joking, Rob, it’s okay.”

“Well, I’d hate to keep you any longer. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“If you want.” She was surprised by this.

The conversation ended, and now she really was alone. It felt even worse now, because she knew Robin was right on the other end of that phone. She doubted that Robin had the same qualms she did about not having anyone to talk to. After all, at least she had Steve. Right? And who did Nancy have? Aren’t you guys friends? Well yes, but–

But. There was that little hesitation, that space between words she didn’t want to look at. If she looked too hard, she was certain it would hurt more than she could imagine. Sneaky little thoughts crawling through windows and grabbing her by the throat when she was on the edge of sleep. When she was eight, more than anything she wanted to learn to wield a guitar and put on the show of a lifetime. She donned a wig and pretended she was Ann Wilson, yelling into a cheap toy mic in her room and declared she would marry a rich rockstar so she could become famous. That was her first look at reality. She couldn’t live in a fantasy. And wasn’t she doing the same thing right now?

Her mind was whirling all over the place so much she didn’t think she’d ever be able to focus on normal things like having dinner or carrying a conversation with her family. But she had to. She couldn’t afford to have Mike worrying about her when he had enough on his plate with his friends and…Will. Whatever Will was to him. They really needed to talk about that, didn’t they? They needed to talk about a lot of things, she mentally corrected herself. But the distance between them was so wide at this point she wasn’t sure they could correct it at this point in their lives.

“Hey,” Mike said to her while she got started on the dishes as a distraction. “Are you okay, Nancy?” 

She turned and faced her brother. She felt that guilt creep in once again about the state of their sibling relationship. As if it was solely on their individual choices and not simply circumstance that drove space between them. But now he felt close, closer than he had in a long time. She had to take the chance while it was there and talk to him. Really talk. And despite it all, he was checking on her . Honestly, people underestimated the amount of kindness Mike had in his heart due to his rough exterior.

“I’m fine, please don’t worry about me.” She put another glass in the top rack. Almost done with the top.

“You sure? I mean you’ve been weird since you got home earlier–” Nancy put up a hand, cutting him off. She offered him a smile that was the furthest thing from real in this room. 

“I’m okay. Seriously. I should be asking you these questions. How are you and El?” She put one more cup in and turned on the sink. Pain exploded behind her eyes and she almost dropped the knife she’d picked up.

“Jesus! Nancy!” Mike blurted, turning off the sink. “Maybe you should go to bed? I can finish the dishes. I don’t care if it’s your turn.”

“If you’re sure,” Nancy responded. “But I’m alright. You…don’t need to worry about me, Mike.”

“Yes, I do. I’ve heard you at night.” Her heart dropped.

“What?”

“Can you kids stop arguing and finish the dishes already?” Their mother appeared in the kitchen, having just put Holly down for bed.

“I was finishing them for Nance,” Mike spoke up, saving Nancy from having to worm out of her conversation with lies, as was her specialty. “Is that okay?”

“You. Doing the dishes voluntarily?” Karen laughed a bit and felt his forehead. “Are you sick or something? Do you want something from me?” 

Mike made a noise of protest and tried to squirm away from the embarrassing moment. While they were occupied, Nancy made her way to her room. Her father was already fast asleep in the La-Z-Boy. Same as usual. 8:30 at night and he was already knocked out. She shook her head and climbed the stairs. Entered her room. Shut the door. It was only then that she let out the breath she’d been holding. Finally. Safe again. Hopefully. She looked at the phone, feeling the sudden urge to call Robin. But she didn’t. She started getting ready for bed, even though she knew sleep would not come for hours.

As predicted, the moment she laid down in her bed, she felt more awake than ever, staring at the ceiling like it was her personal enemy. She let out a frustrated sigh and went to her desk. She had a small ‘Barb shrine’ there as a way to remember her dead best friend. Guilt overwhelmed her as she looked at the photos and trinkets she had there. Their first sleepover together, the bracelet Barb had made for her when they were nine, a family road trip they had gone on just before high school started, a ring that had belonged to Barb. The whole childhood they had spent together was here in a small box on a desk that was only touched by two pairs of hands. She swallowed back tears and gently placed everything back into the box. She wished more than anything she could go back to that night and do things differently.

Oh, you know there’s no erasing what you’ve done. Murderer.

“Who’s there?” She spun around. 

Nancy was alone. She was…always alone. Except, she felt far from alone in that moment. She went to her bedroom door and opened it. A pair of eyes gazed back at her.

"Barb?”

Her eyes snapped open as she felt a headache beginning to form. She was in her bed and now it was morning. Her chest heaved over and over. She was drenched in sweat. She shook off the lingering terror and reluctantly began to get ready for the day. She was going to see Robin later and she wasn’t going to let anything take away from that.

Chapter 2: A Visit to Barb

The library was Nancy’s choice of meeting, what was left of it anyway. People tended to avoid it because it was where the gates met. And true, the creatures tended to pour out of this spot the most. But during the day, it seemed to be less active. And Nancy knew how to protect herself quite well at this point. It wasn’t like anywhere else in town was safer at this point. So, donned with a proper mask and enough ammo to take down an army, she made her way to the library to wait for her friend. Even though it was late April, the weather felt closer to early fall. Another side effect of the gates ripping wide open. Nancy recalled that when Billy had been taken over by the Mind Flayer last summer, he couldn’t tolerate the heat and was miserable under the hot Hawkins sun. It was indeed unsurprising the Mind Flayer was making conditions more…suitable for itself now that it and every creature under its command could come and go as they pleased. She wandered through the library, being careful to steer clear of the massive hole in the center of it. Various patrons and the librarian alike had tried to cover the hole up, to no avail. The best solution had been to just rope it off from public access.

“The History of…”

“Nancy!” 

She dropped the book she was holding, her heart skipping several beats.

“Jeez, Robin! I never thought you capable of being quiet!” Nancy bent over and picked up the book, putting it back on the shelf.

“Sorry. So what’s the plan today, huh? We gonna go on a patrol? I think they’ll let us sign up for one. I finally know how to use a gun and everything, so, it would be a great way to spend some time together. Oooor we could, you know explore some archives. Like old times! I actually had fun when we were looking up all that stuff about Victor. I don’t know if you had fun, I mean you seemed really annoyed the whole time and I don’t blame you–”

“Rob,” Nancy said finally, looking at her. Somehow, that was always enough to get her to stop rambling. It wasn’t like she was doing anything special, but sometimes less was more.

“R-Right, relax,” Robin stuttered. 

“I was looking for a book, I dunno,” Nancy murmured. “But we can do whatever you want.”

“Since I came all this way, book it is.” Robin beamed at her.

The next several minutes were quiet and uneventful, the pair searching the same shelves. Nancy didn’t want to let Robin out of her sight. After finally having a friend again, a true friend, she wasn’t about to let her go. The loneliness she’d gotten used to was infinitely worse without her around. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever admit such a thing, though. It seemed clingy and silly. Two things she didn’t want to be were clingy…or silly. She’d spent too much of her life not being taken seriously. They occasionally swapped books, making fun of ones they’d read before or recommending a title. In the end, though, they ended up not settling for anything and just enjoyed each other’s company.

“Oh jeez,” Robin groaned. Nancy turned, following her gaze to see Steve wandering into the library. What was he doing here?

“Nance,” Steve called out. “We need to talk.”

“Nothing good ever follows that,” Robin said. “I’ll see you in a bit, Nancy.”

“What can I do for you, Steve?” Nancy asked. 

“I was wondering if you’d given our little talk any thought. About kids, and, well, everything. Cause I sure have. And I can’t picture a future like that with anyone besides you, Nance. I know we still have a connection. I heard you watched me get changed in The Upside Down. Now why would you do that, Nancy?”

The only one who could’ve told him that was Robin. Nancy felt betrayed. Was all of this just to corner her with Steve and get her to go out with him again? She looked around for her friend, but she was nowhere in sight. Was that the only reason Robin had wanted to hang out with her? Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to cry here in front of her ex. Of course it would be just like her to cut and run after pulling a stunt like that. This hurt even more than Steve believing she’d cheated on her. More than Jonathan not listening to her. More than losing Barb? No, but this was a wound like no other. She didn’t know if there was any recovering from this. So much for letting someone in and trusting them. She stepped back, feeling the caution tape stretch directly behind her. If she took another step she’d fall into The Upside Down and escape this painful moment. 

“Whoa, whoa hey,” Steve said, his eyes widening with concern. “Take a breath, Nancy, Eddie told me about it. I just wanted to talk.”

“Eddie? Or Robin?” Her voice sounded raw, but she hadn’t cried yet.

“Why does it matter so much?” Steve sighed. “Don’t get like this, Nance, please–”

“Like what ?” She clenched her jaw. The pain in her head was coming back with a vengeance. “Go on, finish the damn sentence, Steve.”

“Stop it, guys!” Robin said. “I’m sorry, Nancy! I did tell him. We were just talking, I swear!” She approached the pair, holding a book. She didn’t leave. She didn’t leave you.

“Why?”

“I thought you guys deserved another chance,” Robin continued. “I didn’t want to hurt you. Please, Nance, don’t be mad. I just wanted to help. Steve was pestering me, and I just wanted to answer his questions.”

“Robin, I really…” She sucked in a breath to calm down and answer properly. “I really don’t understand. We broke up so long ago. I’ve moved on.”

“Have you really?” 

“Yes!” Nancy insisted. “It’s Steve who hasn’t. I’m just gonna go home. I’m tired of everyone acting like they know how I feel and what I want. I trusted you Robin. Why the hell would you invite me out just to corner me like this?!?”

“W-wait, that’s not why…Nancy! I swear I just wanted to–”

Nancy stormed out of the library without looking back at either of them. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. She was better off alone than dealing with all this drama. As she followed the wide crack of the gate to get away, her nose felt like it was running. She winced and wiped at it. Her hand was a brilliant red. Blood. She shook her head and kept walking. Her feet took her to the edge of town where the cemetery was located. A place she hadn’t been to since Hopper’s “funeral.” A place she avoided. Ghosts lived here, and hers was waiting for her. She coughed into her mask. The particles were especially bad over here. She ignored it in favor of her mission, though. It didn’t take long for her to find Barb’s grave. After all this time, she still remembered where it was. She sighed and settled herself at the gravestone, prepared to possibly spend hours here. She traced the letters of her friend’s name.

“And now I’ll have to remember you longer than I’ve known you,” she whispered. “It’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all, Barb, what happened to you. And it’s my fault. No one can tell me otherwise. If I had just listened, you’d still be here right now. I know you must’ve suffered. Alone. I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry I didn’t find you in time, either. You must’ve died thinking I didn’t care about you when that’s so far from the truth. I would’ve ripped this whole world apart to make sure you came home, that you were okay.” Once the words started coming out, they didn’t want to stop. So she talked and talked and talked.

“I still have your stuff in a box in my room,” she rambled. “Every single memory we shared exists on my desk. But we should be making new memories right now. Right? You and me, Barb. We were gonna graduate together, maybe go to the same college if things worked out. We’d stay up late every sleepover and talk about boys. You always insisted you’d just become a spinster and never date anyone, but I knew Justin liked you. Do you remember that?” Her voice broke, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop at this point.

“Barb, if you can hear me out there, I just want you to forgive me, please! Because I don’t think I could ever forgive myself. How could I? I don’t deserve that!” She tore off her mask and broke down into tears openly now. She couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“You’re right,” a voice said from somewhere above her. “You don’t deserve forgiveness.” Nancy wiped her tears and looked up.

“Barb?”

She looked just like she had when she died. Nancy immediately looked away. This had to be some kind of nightmare. Maybe she’d fallen asleep out here. But when she looked again, she was still standing there with that same grin on her face. This was actually happening. She got to her feet.

“You really moved on like I never existed, didn’t you Nancy?”

“No, no…I thought about you every day. I swear it.” Tears filled her eyes. Barb stepped closer to her.

“Lies, all lies you tell yourself Nancy, to make yourself feel better about the whole thing. Isn’t that true?”

Nancy sobbed helplessly into her hands. She had almost closed the gap now.

“Nancy!!” Robin yelled, shaking her. “Wake up!”

“O-Oh my god,” Nancy choked out, staring at Robin through blurry vision. “Robin?”

“Holy shit,” she sighed. She hugged her tight. Nancy didn’t want her to let go. “I’d been calling your name for over a minute now.”

“I’m okay,” Nancy whispered. 

“No, you’re not okay! When were you gonna tell me Vecna was coming after you?”

“Ro, I…” Nancy gently pushed herself away from Robin to give herself some breathing room. “I wasn’t sure that’s what was actually happening. Not at first anyway. And…there are some marked differences.”

“Like what?” Robin asked. “Tell me everything, please.”

“I think it started sometime after the gate opened,” Nancy murmured as she tried to remember. The days and nights blended together so much now that it felt like her life had always been this personal hell she was stuck in.

“Yeah?” Robin helped her sit back down at Barb’s grave. Her face was trained right on Nancy’s. “What happened?”

“Headaches at first,” Nancy continued. “Nosebleeds. You know, kind of what happened to Max. A lot of the same stuff. It all started so gradually that I didn’t allow myself to take notice of it until the nightmares started. But once the supposed deadline passed, I realized this was something different. Something worse, maybe. If that’s even possible.”

“What do you mean?” She’s listening. She’s really listening.

“You’re right that he’s targeting me, but he wants me alive…suffering. For some reason.” Nancy wrapped her arms around herself, struggling to make sense of it all. 

“We’ll figure out a way to help you,” Robin promised. She squeezed her shoulder. Nancy felt she’d melt into the gesture. “And get him to leave you alone. I’ll do whatever it takes, I promise Nance.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Come on, let’s get you home safe. I’m sure Mike’s worried about you.”

“I’m sorry, Robin,” Nancy blurted. “I shouldn’t have…left things the way I did.”

“I’m sorry too. This whole thing was a bigger mess than I’d meant it to be, and it kinda serves me right for trying to play matchmaker. I mean come on, you tried to ask if me and Steve were dating and apparently I didn’t learn my lesson from that conversation. So, the whole thing is my fault really. But I never wanted to hurt you. I hope you know that.”

“I do now…” She relaxed and let out a sigh.

The two girls made their way to the Wheeler house, arm in arm. It was then that Nancy remembered she had left her mask at the cemetery. She broke down into heavy and uncontrollable coughing about halfway home. Robin stopped and waited until she was able to breathe again before continuing to walk with her. The level of patience she’d been displaying came at a level of shock to Nancy. She seemed like such a flighty and unfocused girl, and yet Robin had been laser focused…on her. It mystified her. She certainly didn’t dislike it, though. In fact, she could get used to it.

“You hear from Will?” Robin asked as Nancy took out her house key.

“No. We really need to come up with a plan before things get much worse.”

“Yeah. I agree. But…what do we do?”

“First, we wake up Max. Then we kick his ass into the dirt, into hell.” Nancy unlocked her front door.

“Sure,” Robin said nervously, laughing a bit. “Easy peasy. See you later?”

“Yeah. Later.” She watched the taller girl leave. 

Please. I don’t want to be alone today.

And yet, her cowardly self said nothing to prevent herself from being alone. That was just like Nancy Wheeler, wasn’t it? She bit her lip and made her way to the kitchen. She chugged a glass of water then drifted into the laundry room, only to find her mother had already beaten her to the chore. She was throwing everything into the dryer.

“Oh, I was about to do that,” Nancy commented. “I was at the library.”

“It’s alright, Nancy.” Karen slammed the door and switched on the dryer before facing her eldest. “Did you find any books on how to stop this entire mess?”

“I wish, Mom. I wish.” She offered a sheepish smile. Karen shook her head and sighed.

“How many times do I need to tell you? Protection.”

“Sorry, I went to the cemetery and…it fell off,” Nancy explained quietly. There was a beat of silence between them as her mother took a moment to make the connection.

“You were visiting Barb, weren’t you?”

“Sorry, I had to. I…needed to.”

“You’re not in any trouble,” Karen said. She put a hand on Nancy’s shoulder. “I just worry about you. I feel like you’re trying to do too much on your own, when I’m right here. I’m your mother, honey, it’s my job to take some of this burden away from you.”

Nancy wasn’t sure why she didn’t believe her, even though the tone seemed sincere in every sense of the word. Maybe that’s because all it was: words. Sure, they’d had a few moments here and there. But ultimately, when the world ending threats were happening around them, the parents chose to stay in their homes and close their eyes to what was actually happening. Nobody wanted to deal with Joyce after Will’s body turned up and she still ranted and raved that he was alive to anyone within earshot. Nobody wanted to deal with what was actually going on in this town. It was much easier to just swallow the bullshit and keep on moving. So in her mind, she had perfectly good reasons to keep things to herself and let it pile up on the inside. But she didn’t tell her mother any of that. Instead she forced a smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.”

“You hungry? I was about to make a late breakfast for everybody.” Karen beamed at her. “I could do eggs, pancakes, whatever you want.”

“No thanks, I’m just gonna go up to my room for awhile.”

“I’ll bring you something, alright?” Karen rubbed her arm. “You’ve been running around a lot, you need fuel.” 

When Nancy returned to her room, she noticed her piles upon piles of laundry had been removed, her bed was made and had fresh sheets on them, and the trash was emptied out. There was no other sign of her mother having been in here, but Nancy could still smell her perfume. These silent gestures made her feel all the more guilty about her inability to be completely honest with her mom. She was an awful, awful daughter for that, wasn’t she? After her mother worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and clearly tried her best with the hand she’d been dealt. She repaid her in lies and secrecy.

Does someone think they deserve punishment?

The voice bore its way back into her head, but she did her best to ignore it. She lost herself in her journal. When her mother brought her the plate of food, as promised, she simply set it aside and continued writing until her hand began to cramp. It was only then that she took notice of the little heart shaped pancakes, the eggs, the bacon. All of it likely had gone cold by now. Her appetite had yet to make an appearance, though. No matter. There were bigger things to worry about. Much, much bigger things. She snuck into the kitchen and dumped the contents of the plate into the garbage disposal and switched it on. She shut it off and tiptoed out the door. She was too restless to remain in the house. Maybe she could use this time to plan more.

Nancy doubled over and coughed. Again and again. She still didn’t have a mask on. Oh she’d get it from her mother. Instead, she wiped her mouth and kept walking. It would be fine. It was just for a little while, after all.

Chapter 3: Fights And Lies

Nancy had only been here once or twice since getting word that Max had miraculously survived her encounter with Vecna. It never got any less cold any time she came here. She pulled a jacket on as she spoke to the front desk and told them she was visiting Max Mayfield. It was a simple matter of going into her room now, visitor’s sticker on her jacket. The ache in her skull now felt like something was reaching deep within and pulling at the hardest to find crevices of her brain. Her mother had gotten a migraine or two before, and she’d described the pain somewhat like this once. Fabulous, that’s just what I need right now. The harsh hospital lights only served to make her feel worse. This visit was going to have to be shorter than planned. Lucas looked up from the book he was reading to Max as he spotted Nancy walk in.

“Nancy,” Lucas said, surprised. “What are you doing here?” 

“I was hoping we could strategize on how to wake Max up,” Nancy said. “I think at this point, we all know she won’t return to us on her own. El has already tried a few times but nothing seems to be working yet.”

To her surprise, Lucas seemed uncomfortable with the idea.

“Are you sure it’s worth the risk? I mean, what if we hurt her more? Maybe she just needs more time. She’s still healing, Nancy.”

She supposed she couldn’t blame him for the hesitation. If it had been Barb in that bed, Nancy couldn’t find herself willing to try anything that didn’t have a guarantee of working, or at the very least making some sign of progress. Lucas probably felt responsible for Max now. Perhaps he even blamed himself for what happened. She wanted to tell him that nobody blamed him, that he did the best he could in such a shitty, impossible situation. It was all Jason’s fault, after all, for getting involved in something he didn’t understand whatsoever. But she also knew exactly how he felt, that mere words would feel empty. There was nothing anyone could say to make him not feel responsible for what happened. It was a tight spot to be in for sure.

“I understand,” she said finally, breaking the brief silence. Lucas looked at her doubtfully. “Really, I do. It’s not some ploy to trick you into agreeing with me. You love her, no one can deny that.”

“That actually…means a lot, thanks.” He let out a sigh of relief. “The rest of the Party would probably try to go forward with it anyway. But you seem to really get it.” He paused. “It’s because of your friend, isn’t it. Barb, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” Nancy whispered. “Yeah that was her.”

“I’m sorry, Nancy.”

She stared at Max’s lifeless body on the bed and tried not to think about anything at all. That wasn’t in her nature, it was like trying not to blink once you became aware of it. She looked back at Lucas and tried to think of something else to say.

“Try not to spend too much of your life waiting for something that might not happen, Lucas. At least think about what I suggested. But I’d never force you to do anything you don’t want to. I know she’s your responsibility.”

“Yeah,” Lucas murmured. “Okay. Thanks…thanks a lot.”

With that, she had no more reason to be here. She left the hospital. She hunched over as she felt her nose run. Blood. A lot of blood. Her head throbbed as she tried to get it to stop. Nancy didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Who would check on her, anyway? It was silly to think that anyone would. Once the bleeding finally stopped, she decided now was a good time as any to head home. This weekend would be the last of their reprieve due to the disaster, and then the mayor had insisted on reopening the schools on Monday. Business as usual. He insisted with the military assistance, there was no reason for things not to go back to normal. Normal. That might as well be another dimension. The irony.

The minute she walked through the door, she felt like she was interrupting a rather private moment. Will and Mike were yelling at each other downstairs. Basement. She tiptoed to the stairs and found the door was cracked open. One or both of them had stormed down here, the other right at his heels. She held her breath and continued her downward journey. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do. Besides, maybe she could help.

“What I don’t understand is why you lied to me, Will!! FRIENDS DON’T LIE!”

“Well I’m sorry for trying to help you and El! I really am. I thought I was doing a good thing here.”

“She dumped me, you idiot! She dumped me! She knows I lied and you said I was the heart!”

What the fuck were they talking about?

The only part of this that she understood was that El had dumped Mike. Was everyone being dumped lately? Something in the water, apparently. She shook her head and continued to listen. She had to deescalate this before they started hitting each other. Still, she didn’t want to reveal she was in the room unless she had to. Tough situation.

“She…dumped you?” Will said. All the anger had dissipated from his voice. He just sounded sad.

“Yeah,” Mike replied bitterly. “Happy now?”

“What? No, I’m not happy. Do you think I wanted this?”

“I know you didn’t like us together . For some reason that pissed you off, especially over the summer. And the Rink O Mania! Was it really so awful seeing me happy?”

“What about you, then?”

“What?” Nancy could just picture Mike turning to face Will in defeated frustration.

“Were you happy, Mike?”

“Of course I was!”

“Then why did you need my advice so bad? And why are you so mad that it didn’t work?” Nancy was about to head back up the stairs when the dust became too much and she sneezed.

“Who’s there?” Mike yelled out.

Nancy came down the last of the stairs. Honestly it was a miracle neither of them hadn’t noticed her up to now, considering she had almost been in their line of sight. The two boys looked at her, but it was surprisingly Will that spoke first.

“Were you there the whole time?”

“I’m pretty sure the whole neighborhood could hear you guys,” Nancy said. “I got worried you’d start hitting each other, that’s all.”

“No, I’d never-” Mike protested.

“I would never-” Will blurted at the same time. Strange, they’d never been so in sync before.

“Well, good. Now that we’re done screaming at each other, care to tell me what all of this is about? I heard you say El dumped you, Mike. For good this time.”

“Yeah.” Mike crossed his arms. “So?”

“You seemed to feel pretty strongly about it a second ago there. Didn’t you love her?” Nancy was testing the waters here. Or maybe she was crossing into dangerous territory. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Mike looked uncomfortable.

“That isn’t the point.”

“Did you or didn’t you?” Nancy pressed.

“I don’t know!” Mike exploded.

“What?” Will said in confusion, his voice small. “Didn’t you say that you loved her? What did I even do all this for?”

“Nobody made you pick up that brush,” Mike spat back at him, causing Will to shrink a little more. Nancy was starting to regret coming down here at all.

“If you hate it that much, just destroy it,” Will said. His voice was numb.

“Excuse me?”

“This goddamn painting is just causing too many problems. Maybe we should get rid of it.” Mike blinked, as if he hadn’t been expecting Will to say that. 

“Will,” Nancy spoke up softly, but she seemed to no longer exist in the room anymore. This moment was too private for her to exist in, and she looked at the stairs behind her. She should leave. She should leave this to just them.

“Will, don’t!” Mike stopped him before he could tear the painting off the wall. Will broke down into tears.

“I’m sorry, Mike! I’m sorry!”

“Should we…do you want me to…?” Nancy whispered to her brother.

“I’ve got him,” Mike said softly. “Thanks anyway, Nance.”

As she ascended out of the basement, it was hard to tell if the moment would resolve or not, but the tension couldn’t be denied. Something was going on between them and the longer they went without saying the words, the worse the fighting would get. They couldn’t use anger as a shield forever.

And what are you using as a shield, Nancy?

“Not now,” Nancy mumbled. “Go away.”

“Who the heck are you talking to?” Holly demanded from her Lite Brite fun on the living room floor.

“Nobody,” Nancy sighed. “Nobody at all.” Ted didn’t even give her a second glance. He was too busy staring at the news from his Lay-Z-Boy. Her mother didn’t appear to be home.

“This family is so weird,” Holly declared. “I’m going to my room.”

Did the lights just flicker on the stairs? Nancy’s eyes locked on the spot Holly had disappeared, She rubbed at them frantically. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Getting two or three hours a night for weeks on end was probably catching up with her. She didn’t need to crack open a book to know just how bad that was for her. But there were bigger problems to worry about than whether what she was seeing was real at any given time or not. Much bigger.

“Nancy, it’s your turn to vacuum the house,” Ted called out dully without moving a muscle.

Jeez, what would she do without him? Without a word, she marched to the closet where the vacuum was kept and threw it open…

She was standing in an empty pool. The Upside Down pool. Her heart hammered in her chest. She knew what this place was. She visited it quite often now. No, not here. Not NOW! Nancy hoped she wouldn’t be here too long. She had too much real life to worry about to get hung up on these constant visions of her dead friend. It seemed like she wasn’t being given a choice in the matter. When was she ever given a choice? So she was forced to look again, forced to feel the guilt again, forced to cry over her long decomposed form again. None of this was normal. Nothing about her life was normal. Then again, this must make it her new normal. Now normal didn’t even feel like an actual word anymore.

Blink. Breathe. Blink. Breathe. Find a sign, grab onto something, anything at all, climb out and cling to the light. What was there to hold onto? Was this going to be how it ended for her? Alone and holding the doorknob of her closet? She hoped not, but the call to just let go and join Barb was at its loudest right now. In the distance, there was some kind of opening as the sound of her music box echoed in her ears. She could spot her frozen self, Mike crying in front of her. Begging for her to come back and wake up.

“Please, Nancy! I need you to wake up!”

“I…need you, Nance…”

She fell through the opening sideways and woke up, sinking into her brother’s arms. He just barely managed to hold her up. He pulled her up the stairs. Will followed them. Of course he was still here. Wherever Mike was, Will was guaranteed to follow. She sat against the wall just outside Holly’s bedroom, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath from the whole ordeal.

“Jesus…Nancy…” Mike gasped. “How long has this been happening??”

“Mike–”

“No, don’t “ Mike ” me like that!” He cut her off angrily. “You don’t have to do this by yourself, you know, I don’t know why you think you do.”

“I’m sorry,” Nancy said meekly.

“Have you been seeing a clock, like Max was?” Will asked, ever the calm one. It was a shock that he was acting like nothing had happened downstairs earlier, but so was Mike. She was itching to ask what went on after she left them to their own devices, but now wasn’t the time.

“No. Just Barb.” This was embarrassing.

“He’s been making you see Barb?” Mike’s entire expression softened. “Oh man.”

“I don’t know why you’re so surprised anyway, since you apparently have heard my nightmares.” Nancy decided a slight topic change was what she needed.

“Mostly just you screaming Barb’s name,” Mike admitted. “But I’m serious, I wish you could’ve talked to me. Or at least Will! He knows how it feels.”

“You have no idea how hard it was just to tell you, Mike,” Will spoke up. “It’s like he does everything he can to make sure you aren’t able to talk about it. It’s hard to explain.”

“Screw all this waiting around!” Mike huffed, getting to his feet. “We need to have a meeting in the basement. Lucas too. We gotta wake Max up if we want any chance of stopping this bullshit.”

Nancy was left there with Will, dizzy and breathless. He helped her up.

“You okay?”

“I think so,” Nancy mumbled. It was gonna be the closest she’d come to admitting how she really felt in the moment. 

All she wanted to do right now was go to sleep for the next twelve hours, but she was afraid of closing her eyes. She was afraid of keeping them open too. She couldn’t trust her own reality anymore. Perhaps she could try, though. She dragged herself into her room and collapsed onto her bed. Her next moment of consciousness was her mother calling that she had made some sandwiches for lunch if anyone wanted any. Still hazy from her nap, she made her way to the kitchen. A plate of sandwiches sat on the island and she took one, if only for the appearances of normalcy.

“It’s nice you’re finally having friends over again,” Karen said to Mike, who was out of Nancy’s line of sight, but she could hear him noisily eating a turkey sandwich.

“Thanks Mom, mind if I take this downstairs?”

“Just bring the plate back honey.” 

Nancy followed Mike, praying that neither of them would be grilled with questions. Praying that how pale her face was could just be chalked up to how sometimes the light could wash them out on a good day. That the dark circles under her eyes would be looked over, assumed to be a funny shadow. She’d been fussed over more than enough today. She looked at the sandwich she’d taken, ham and cheese. She had yet to attempt to eat it. She bit into it and descended the last of the stairs for the second time that day. It was finally time to get to work.

Chapter 4: Basement Thoughts

By the time everyone had gathered in Mike’s basement: Lucas, Dustin, Will, Steve, Robin, Jonathan, and Erica, most of the sandwiches had already been consumed. Nancy had choked down half of hers, but the rest of her appetite had disappeared the moment Jonathan had shown up and looked right through her, like she didn’t exist to him anymore. She didn’t blame him. This was a pattern, wasn’t it? A pattern of toxicity from her. Before the poisonous thoughts could occupy her head for much longer, Mike finally spoke.

“We all know why we’re here,” Mike said. “Max still isn’t waking up.”

“Question is, how are we gonna do it?” Dustin asked. “Her Walkman with Kate Bush is busted.”

“We’re gonna need more than just the song,” Nancy said. “El brought Max back to life with her memories. Positive memories. We kept her alive with her favorite song. I think…we need the negative memories too.”

“Bullshit!” Lucas declared. “You trying to make her feel worse?!?”

“No,” Nancy murmured. “Think about it. Vecna feeds on our worst fears, not just in the world but about ourselves. He feeds on the worst memories we have and uses them against us. If we can bring Max to a point to where the worst moments of her life can no longer be used against her, he’ll have to let her go.”

The room grew a few degrees warmer when she realized everyone was staring at her like she had grown another head, possibly some extra limbs as well to boot. She had to explain herself or else she was in a world of trouble, a place she seemed to have made her home in for weeks, no years now. Just tell them, what’s the worst that could happen?

What makes you think they will care? Just lie as you always do. I’m sure nothing will go wrong with that. After all, lying is what lost you Steve, what cost Jonathan a future with you. What’s one more lie, Nancy? Liar, liar, pants on fire.

“Are you speaking from experience?” Dustin questioned, raising an eyebrow. No one seemed to notice Nancy’s internal crisis.

“It doesn’t matter what my source is,” Nancy replied quickly. Her palms were sweating. She could feel someone’s eyes on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to check who was staring at her more directly now.

“Erm, kind of,” Dustin scoffed. “What the hell is–”

Mike’s supercom crackled on. There was a certain look in his eyes that Nancy thought to be familiar. He was haunted by memories. Before she could ask what was going on, they heard a faint riff, one Nancy didn’t recognize until Dustin weakly announced what it was.

“Master of Puppets…” He sucked in a shuddering breath. “Eddie?”

No response. Nothing but static.

“But he died ,” Lucas said. “You were there, Dustin.”

“We all thought Hopper was dead,” Mike pointed out. “And then Miss Byers just comes back with him like nothing happened.”

“Okay, but this is different I think,” Jonathan said. “Dustin saw him die, he couldn’t be saved. So the walkie has to be glitching out.”

“Except, that is just the sort of thing that would happen in the Upside Down,” Will murmured. “Remember when you thought I was dead, Mike?” Nancy’s heart dropped into her stomach.

Barb. Fred. How many more bodies were going to pile up because of her? She bit the inside of her cheek so hard that she tasted blood. A hand gently gripped hers and she didn’t need to look up to know that it was Robin. The only one who had sat right next to her. She let out as shaky breath and focused on the conversation again.

“He died in the Upside Down, it would make sense for him to still be there,” Robin was saying when Nancy rejoined the moment.

“Weren’t we here to talk about Max though?” Lucas asked in confusion. “Let’s not get sidetracked over a theory that might not even be true, guys.”

“Lucas is right,” Steve said. “Max actually is here and we need to help her.”

Nancy looked to see Robin was still holding her hand. She resisted the urge to jerk away. This was nice. It kept her here. On the ground. In this room. Why would she reject that after having two episodes in one day? She didn’t want another, not in front of everyone else. Or at all, really, but it wasn’t like she could control that. But she could control this, whether she wanted Robin to hold her hand. It was far from the worst thing in the world. At that moment, she caught Jonathan staring at them. It was only then that she released the contact she wasn’t actually ready to let go of yet. But the last thing she wanted right now was to be asked questions she wasn’t remotely prepared to answer yet. Questions she hadn’t even considered herself yet. There was too much going on for all of this to be brought into focus.

“Boombox, new cassette, gotta get that, extra batteries. El, we’re gonna need your help.”  Dustin and Mike were working together to gather supplies.

“You guys go on ahead,” Dustin said as Lucas counted up how much money he had for the record store.

“You’re not coming?” Mike asked.

“I…have to see if Eddie is alive,” Dustin admitted.

“No way are you going alone,” Nancy huffed. “I’m going with you.”

“Me too!” Robin blurted. Again, Nancy found Jonathan looking at them both. She wished he would stop.

“You girls need some backup?” Steve offered. 

“Sure, but I don’t think we need anyone else after that,” Nancy spoke up. No one noticed how quiet she had been since Dustin had tried to confront her. No one besides Robin, anyway.

“Okay, got your weapons?” Robin asked Steve.

“I keep my bat in the trunk of my car.” He jerked his thumb towards the street outside.

Before the four of them were able to leave, Jonathan pulled Nancy aside. This was the last conversation she wanted to be having, and she had a sense of de ja vu from the incident with Steve in the library. Was that really only that morning when all that had happened? 

“So is that the reason you dumped me? Robin?” Jonathan demanded.

“Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?” Nancy straightened and tried to make herself appear taller.

“You two seem awfully close now. What’s going on with that? You couldn’t face a little bit of hardship so you jumped ship for the most convenient thing around?”

“Jonathan,” Nancy cut in, offended both on her behalf and Robin’s. “We’re friends , okay? And I dumped you because of…immature behavior like this! Like what the hell is this? This isn’t you .”

“How do you know that?”

Nancy shook her head and side stepped him.

“I don’t know what you think is going on, but you’re wrong, and you need to get over yourself before you alienate everyone you love with your anger.” She straightened herself the rest of the way and looked directly into his eyes. “You need to deal with all these emotions, Jonathan, before they eat you alive.”

With that, she left him there alone in the basement as she left with Robin, Steve, and Dustin. Steve grabbed his bat from the trunk, not asking any questions about her conversation with Jonathan. And she wasn’t about to provide details. Great. Nothing happened at all. It was decided, without words even being exchanged, that they’d take Steve’s car to the closest gate. Just as Steve was getting behind the wheel, Dustin’s headset came on.

“...me….help…” The voice was faint and crackly. Nancy wasn’t sure that what she’d heard was real, but it could be Eddie. Maybe.

“Fuck, we’re coming Eddie,” Dustin said breathlessly.

“Did you guys hear that?” Steve asked, gripping the wheel even though the car wasn’t yet in motion. Or running, for that matter.

Nancy jumped as she heard a loud thud on the driver’s side door. A bloodied hand slid off the window. Silence. Then another, softer thud on the ground. Dustin yanked open the car door on his left and stumbled out. Not wanting to be left out of the moment, she got out as well, just in time to hear a shuddering cry from the curly haired boy.

“Eddie,” he choked out. Nancy couldn’t see him clearly from where she was standing, but she fully believed that he was here. He was back, and alive somehow.

Steve got out of the car. He stared at Eddie on the ground. Nancy came closer and finally was able to get a good look. His wounds looked pretty much healed, but that was about the extent of “healthy” the man looked. He seemed half starved, clothes filthy and ripped.

“Shiiiit,” Steve mumbled. “Didn’t see that coming.”

It was a mad dash getting the unconscious Eddie into the car and to the hospital. At least it saved them from having to go into the Upside Down to retrieve him. Nancy looked Eddie over more closely as Steve drove. The bites had become crescent shaped scars all over his body. He was breathing steadily, so he didn’t seem to be on the verge of death.

“Oh my god,” Dustin croaked. “Eddie…thought you were a goner…I’m so sorry…”

As they got Eddie admitted for malnutrition, the police were notified of his presence. As was predicted, they’d want to talk to him about his involvement in multiple murders. They’d also want to know where he’d been for the last month or so since the supposed earthquake. All signs pointed to him being found guilty. Hopefully they could compile some kind of evidence that he was innocent, but it wasn’t looking great for him. In the meantime, Nancy made her way to Max’s room, where she hoped that they were making at least a little progress in waking her up.

And if I only could
I’d make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places

The song wasn’t at max volume, not yet anyway, but close to it. Nancy was shocked it wasn’t disturbing anyone else in the hospital, but she supposed they all had bigger problems with Eddie’s arrival. The boombox sat on the windowsill and was pointed right at Max. El was holding her hand and concentrating, nose bleeding. Max showed no signs of waking up, but her heart rate was much faster, as if she was running a marathon. Perhaps it would work after all. Her eyes moved quite quickly under the closed lids.

“Come on,” Lucas pleaded. Erica sat off to the side, watching anxiously. “Come on, Max, I know you can do this.”

“She sounds close,” Nancy said.

“Nancy!” Lucas blurted in surprise. “How did you find him so quick?”

“More like he found us.” Nancy shrugged.

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep—

Max let out a sharp gasp. The first noise she had made in weeks. Then she went limp again.

“It’s working!” Erica cried. “I think we can actually do this.”

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep—----

Max coughed and appeared to wake up, though she still stared into nothing. Doctors and nurses rushed in, getting her off a couple of the tubes keeping her alive and checking vitals. It was a miracle, they declared.

“I s-still…can’t see…”

“Max!” Lucas sobbed into her chest. For once, Erica had no smart comments to give. Nancy stepped out of the room, relieved.

Finally. They finally had a win.

Chapter 5: Sleepover

Come Monday, it was business as usual. Karen fussing over making sure Holly got enough breakfast. The empty chair that was Ted’s, some early meeting he claimed he couldn’t miss. Mike, complaining about school when the roads were barely accessible due to the ground still being split wide open on major roads. There was a plate for Nancy as well, but she just couldn’t bring herself to be bothered. So she stole a few sips of coffee from her mother’s mug and bid her goodbye before making the trek to the school. By now, she had become a personal expert in avoiding the cracks leaking a nightmare into their world. As she got out, wearing a mask for once, she broke down into heavy coughs. She had to lean against her car to hold herself upright and the ache, ache, ache only got worse , to the point where she could only see bright light in her vision and nothing else.

“...cy! Nancy! Can you hear me??”

“J-Jon…Jonathan?” She tried to look at him, but the light was killing her.

“Yeah it’s me,” he murmured. “I think you’re having a migraine, I’m gonna get you to the school nurse.”

“...sorry…that…” The words were coming out broken, faint, and uneven. She wasn’t even sure of what she was saying herself. By some miracle, Jonathan appeared to understand.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Just relax, I’ve got you.”

Everything felt like it was rocking back and forth. The lights spun in her vision, so she closed herself off from it by closing her eyes. Thankfully, the episode passed about halfway through first and she was given a pass and a remarkably good excuse to not be paying attention for a good portion of the day. She didn’t know what was going on with her. It seemed like the symptoms were rapidly getting worse, with no sign of bottoming out. More and more people were noticing something was wrong with her, and she didn’t like that. She could deal with it on her own. Couldn’t she? As she was leaving the school, she came across Jonathan waiting by her car.

“Hey,” Jonathan greeted. It was almost like old times again. “How are you feeling? That migraine looked pretty nasty. I didn’t think you got those.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Nancy said, embarrassed by the whole thing now. “I’m okay, really.”

“If you’re sure.” Jonathan shrugged. A beat of silence between the two of them.

“I really didn’t mean for things to end the way they did.” Nancy reached for his hand, turning it over to reveal the old scar from their first deadly adventure together.

“I’m the one who lied and pulled away.” Jonathan sighed. “You deserve better than that. Whether you go back to Steve, choose Robin, whatever. It’s better than being stuck with silly old me, isn’t it?”

“I was never stuck with you,” she reminded him. “I chose you. From the start. It’s always been you who has hesitated.”

“You…bring up a point.” Another pause. 

“You’ll find someone,” she assured him. “But you gotta figure out what you want first. Not what you think your friends want, or what you think your family wants. Think about what Jonathan Byers wants. I don’t think that’s crossed your mind in awhile.” 

“I’ll try to remember that,” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “So back to the whole Robin thing, what’s up with that? You two seem awfully close now.”

“We’re friends, Jonathan,” Nancy said. 

She left out the just because it didn’t feel accurate. Robin wasn’t just someone in her life. Robin was someone she went through hell with. Shared things with. She and Jonathan could be friends again, sure, but there would always be that slight baggage of being exes. Like with Steve. 

“Oh, okay.” And just like that, the subject was dropped.

Nancy made the drive to Family Video, more desperate than ever for a distraction from her crumbling reality. She strolled in to see Steve and Robin gazing at the news. Her eyes flicked up to the television. They were doing a segment on Eddie Munson.

“...day now the police hope to make their arrest and interrogate Eddie Munson, who is the primary suspect of the murder spree of the week of spring break last month.”

“Shit, what do we do?” Steve muttered. “This isn’t looking good for him at all.”

“I don’t know…”

Nancy leaned on the counter, knocking over a couple video tapes. She blinked. It was so unlike her to be clumsy. She muttered an apology as she rearranged the stack back to the way it was as Robin gave her a look of surprise.

“Nancy, what are you doing here?”

“Thought I’d come by for a visit.” She shrugged, a causal gesture. Although on the inside she was the furthest possible thing from relaxed.

“Sure,” Steve snorted. “Hey uh, I’m gonna take a leak. Be back in five.” He left the counter.

“How are you, then?” Robin asked.

If it had been anyone else asking the question, Nancy had any number of lies at her arsenal to use as defense against allowing people to know the truth. The real her. But Robin had already seen her in one of her worst moments, in a place she hated to be more than anything. The incident at the cemetery just solidified that going there at all had been a bad decision. Another one to add to her endless supply. 

“I had this awful migraine at school, Jonathan had to drag me to the nurse.” Nancy sighed. “Other than that, same old shit I suppose.”

“It’s getting pretty bad, isn’t it,” Robin mused. “I wish we knew what it all meant. Like, could you be getting powers like Eleven?”

Nancy had to wonder why she didn’t consider that possibility before. After all, everything that was happening to her wasn’t exactly conventional. That still didn’t explain the visions and the nightmares, but now the headaches and nosebleeds at least made sense. But why the coughing fits? Did she expose herself to the Upside Down air one too many times? That wouldn’t be surprising, with the amount of times she’d gone outside without a mask in the last several days alone. It hadn’t been a conscious decision, not at first anyway. Sort of like with dumping her meals down the kitchen sink behind her mother’s back. Now it was just becoming something she had to do. Needed to do. The ache in her chest from a coughing fit was a reminder of her sins. Perhaps she’d become a glutton for punishment.

She had been about to answer Robin when Steve returned from the restroom and she had to go back to being Perfect Nancy Wheeler, not Nancy The Broken. Steve wasn’t the most observant guy. She could lie to him as easily as she could breathe. Well, as easily as she used to breathe, she amended a moment later. It was something she hated doing, but in her mind, it was necessary. They’d all understand someday. Maybe.

“There was also a segment about Chief Hopper,” Robin was saying, leaning over the counter while Steve attempted another poor flirtation with a female customer in the romance section of the store.

“Oh?” Rumors of him somehow being alive had spread through the town the moment the government car had pulled up. Those “in the know” didn’t have to ask a question they already knew the answer to.

“Yep, he’s gunning for his position back, but Powell isn’t budging,” Robin continued. She shifted closer, knocking over the stack Nancy had helped fix. Neither girl made a move to adjust it again.

“What’s Hopper gonna do?” Nancy was hanging on her every word now.

“No idea!” Robin laughed. “But it’s nice to see some drama that isn’t related to the town falling apart.”

“It’s time,” Steve said ominously from behind Nancy.

Her blood ran cold.

It’s time, Max.

It’s time. It’s your turn, Nancy.

Robin seemed to notice the shift in energy at once and vaulted over the counter to get to Nancy. Clumsy, uncoordinated Robin had performed a flawless vault to get to her. Steve looked at the pair in confusion, but neither of them bothered to try to explain what was happening.

“Are you okay?” Robin said breathlessly.

“I think so. Um, that was kind of impressive.” Nancy blinked in surprise. Did that actually just happen? She played the moment again in her mind. 

“Robin the gymnast!” Steve declared. “Anyway it’s time to clock out.”

“Right!” Robin’s eyes looked just a bit too bright and chipper for the end of a work day. Nancy looked between the pair, wondering how Steve didn’t notice even though he was far closer to her than she was.

“You need a ride home?” Steve asked.

“I was gonna hang with Nance for a bit,” Robin replied. “See you Wednesday?”

Nance. She thought her whole face would be set aflame from that one word.

“Yep, catch ya later!” Steve waved as he walked off.

The two closers were already cleaning things up and ignoring the two of them. Effectively, they were alone together for the first time in days. Days? They had just seen each other recently. She shook her head and left the video store with Robin.

“Where do you live? I can drop you off.”

“Oh no, I can’t…I can’t go home right now,” Robin said. 

Nancy stopped walking and tried to process not just what was being said, but what wasn’t being said. When they were at the library, waiting at the desk, Robin’s little spiel about her flaws had revealed a good deal while dancing around the actual topic. There was something she wanted to say desperately to Nancy, but was afraid to say it out loud. The actual words. The hints seemed safest. The mention of her mother was brief, quick enough that she had missed it when it had actually happened.

“Why not?”

“My mom, she’s just a bit anal about things, she doesn’t want me…around…at the moment.” It was clear that this was difficult for Robin to say aloud. Nancy stood there as she listened. How could a mother reject her own child for things they couldn’t control?

“Come on,” Nancy said as she led her to her car.

“If you want nothing to do with me any more ‘cause of that, I understand.”

Again, she stopped and looked at Robin. The statement had caught her so off guard that her own worries flew out of her head, and all she could see was Robin.

“What? No, no, of course I want to be your friend. Why would you say that?”

“I don’t know,” Robin said quietly. She looked uncomfortable in her own skin.

Nancy took out her keys and twirled them.

“Pick the music. We’ll pick up some stuff from your place, then you’ll stay with me. Can you give directions?”

Karen looked up in surprise when Nancy came in with Robin.

“Hey mom, Robin’s staying the night, I hope that’s alright.”

“I’m surprised that Jonathan isn’t,” her mother mused. “You haven’t mentioned him for the last few days. Is everything alright with you two?”

“I dumped him, Mom.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. What happened?” She set down the basket of laundry she had been carrying, her undivided attention on Nancy now.

“It just wasn’t working out.” 

“Aw, I’m sorry Nancy,” her mother said. “You know you can talk to me, right? You’re hardly the first person to deal with heartbreak.”

The full story felt like more words than she had left inside her. More words than she felt capable of fishing for. The careful spin of a tale was usually her specialty. But right now? Well, she was just tired. Maybe in another life she could be honest with her mother, but she just didn’t see that as a possibility. Not that she didn’t love her. Perhaps it was because she loved her that she lied to her. For both of their sakes, it was essential that Nancy kept up that “perfect daughter” persona. Nothing interesting going on in her life. Taking the path of least resistance. Just like her parents. What was the alternative? The truth? There was too much risk in her rejecting the truth, when it had been proven the lies kept the questions off her, the eyes off her, the stares off her.

“Mom, I’m okay,” Nancy assured her. “We talked things out earlier, and we’re just better off as friends.” The words came out as automatically as the breath in her lungs.

Perhaps she just wasn’t capable of the truth.

“My strong, independent girl,” Karen sighed, walking over and hugging Nancy tight. She pulled away a moment later, a strange look Nancy didn’t understand all over her face.

“Did you lose a few pounds, Nancy?”

“Um…this is Robin by the way,” Nancy said, deftly shifting the subject.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there!!” Karen declared apologetically. “You were so quiet!” Robin and quiet didn’t go in the same sentence together at all.

“Hi,” Robin spoke up awkwardly. “Sorry, I was just…never mind. You have a nice home, Mrs. Wheeler.”

“Thank you! You’re welcome to stay in Nancy’s room. I don’t think we have a pullout couch, not since the garage sale anyway. If you don’t wanna share a bed, I can set you up on the floor if you like.”

“Oh, uh.” Nancy cleared her throat. Sharing a bed, she hadn’t thought about that, and now it was the only think on her scattered mind. “I’ll handle it, Mom. We’re gonna go upstairs now.”

“Dinner is in thirty minutes, girls!”

“Okay, Mom!”

Some of the tension left her shoulders as she shut her bedroom door behind them. Safe. Nothing could get her in here. But it already had, hadn’t it? It continued to do so, every time the sun went down and she tried a poor attempt at sleep. She turned as Robin set her bag down with a gentle thud.

“Your mom seems amazing,” Robin admitted. “I would kill for a relationship like that. Why don’t you tell her the truth? At least some of it. I think she might accept it. Maybe even…believe it…if you told her all of it.”

“Too dangerous,” Nancy said. “She’d want to protect me and Mike, and…I just know that’s how I’d lose her.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. So what did you wanna do for the next half hour? Oh, you know, you could give me a music tour! I wanna know what Nancy Wheeler listens to in her spare time!” Robin grinned and grabbed a record at random. Pink Floyd’s The Wall stared back at Nancy.

“Okay, sure.” She couldn’t help but be warmed by this girl’s charm.

So ya thought ya might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow

“Oh this is awesome!” Robin declared. “When’s the last time you even had fun , Nancy?”

Nancy was quiet as memories of Barb wrapped around her, threatening to suffocate her on the spot. Fun wasn’t something she could allow herself, not if she wanted to keep everyone around her alive. If she took her finger off the trigger, relaxed for even a second, those she loved would disappear. And she’d be alone. She was certain that would kill her in a way that not even El could bring her back from.

Tell me is something eluding you from sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?

“I’m sorry,” Robin stammered, stepping closer to Nancy. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. It’s just, you seem tense all the time and I wanna do what I can to take some of that burden from you. I think you deserve a bit of time to not think of anything besides the present moment at least. Right?”

If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes
You’ll just have to claw your way through the disguise

“No, it’s okay,” Nancy replied, finally finding the use of her voice again. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned how…grateful I am for you, Robin. You’ve been a real friend even when I feel like I don’t deserve one.”

“Come on, I wanna see the rest of your records.” Robin grinned, dragging Nancy over to the crate she was storing them in.

Once dinner time rolled around, Nancy felt a few degrees calmer. Her head was clearer. They had listened to the rest of the first side of the record. Robin insisted on finishing it later. Nancy didn’t see a reason to argue with that. She was actually…enjoying herself, if she dared herself a moment to consider how she was feeling about the whole thing. It seemed even her mother noticed her change in demeanor, because she didn’t seem as worried as earlier.

“Well it’s so good you’ve managed to make such a nice friend, Nancy!” Karen smiled. “Tell me a little about yourself, Robin. How’d you meet Nancy?”

“Well I used to work at the Starcourt Mall,” Robin began. 

Karen set dinner out on the table: pot roast, mashed potatoes made by hand, asparagus, carrots, and a wheat roll that was alread buttered beforehand. A fairly healthy meal, but a hearty one. It’s what her mother was known for. Miss Henderson always declared that she didn’t have room for seconds, but took them anyway.

“Oh ignore me, just go on,” Karen said. 

“Who is this girl again?” Ted asked cluelessly. Nancy ignored him.

“Anyway, Nancy and I met at the mall like right around the time the fire happened, because she went there to help Mike since he and some others were trapped.”

“That fire was just awful,” Karen scoffed. “All those people died, and no one even punished for that!! The mayor just shrugged his shoulders and said he was up for reelection. I know who I am not voting for this year.”

“Come on,” Ted spoke up. “Gotta put all that behind you…it’s not his fault.”

Nancy stared at her plate and struggled to tune out her parents. She took a bite here and there whenever she thought she was being observed, but other than that she just toyed with her fork and wished the rest of the world would disappear. Or maybe that she would. Things would be…much easier. The noise would finally die down, out of sight, out of mind, out of existence entirely.

“Nance,” Robin whispered to her. “You okay?”

“Mooooom!” Mike yelled out. “Can I go over to Will’s? I’m done eating.”

“It’s too dangerous out there, Michael. And it’s your turn to do the dishes.” Karen picked up Mike’s empty plate, seeming to note Nancy had barely touched hers.

“That is so not fair!” Mike argued. “I did them the other night for Nancy because she’s a goddamn basket case !” 

“Language!” Ted called out with zero energy behind the word. 

Nancy gave him a sharp kick under the table and stormed off without a word, ignoring her mother calling for her. A pair of footsteps followed closely behind. She didn’t have to look to know it was Robin’s uneven footing struggling on the stairs.

“Nancy? Nancy.” 

She stopped just long enough to let Robin into her room, then shut the door, hard. Hopefully her mother would let Mike’s little statement slide and she could just move on from this mess. She felt like she was on the verge of unraveling. She squeezed her eyes shut and prepared to fall off the edge, but a pair of hands grabbed hers and she felt a part of her anchor back to the earth in the present moment.

“I’ve got you,” Robin assured softly. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“I…I’m sorry,” Nancy whispered. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this.” She opened her eyes and looked into Robin’s face. A kind smile. Soft eyes. She could fall right into that blue. For eternity, perhaps. But she didn’t let herself. Not yet.

“ You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you want to talk?” Robin slowly released her hands and she had the urge to tell the girl to hold them again but she refrained. That was silly and pathetic. Childish. She was far from a child now.

“I don’t know,” Nancy admitted as she took a moment to think it over. “Let’s finish the rest of the record. Have you ever painted your nails?”

They spent the next hour carefully choosing colors for each other. Robin selected a pale pink for Nancy that she hadn’t touched since the last time Barb had slept over, but she took great pains not to mention that fact. If she were like everyone else, they’d both be smiling and giggling, sharing secrets and gossip. Instead they both asked about various members of their “party”, who had gotten injured, who was missing, who was dead. Another thread Nancy didn’t have a name for unraveled away from her, never to be seen again. She finally found the perfect color for Robin, though: baby blue, to bring out her eyes.

“I don’t remember the last time I’ve done this,” Robin admitted.

Nancy’s strokes on her friend’s nails were precise. She took her time with each one, spending almost ten minutes in total on the first coat alone. While that dried, the record switched to another song. They had gone from Pink Floyd to Heart, her childhood favorite. She could hardly find a reason to complain about hearing Ann Wilson’s voice for the first time in almost five years. Perhaps Robin was right. It had been far too long since she had done anything that wasn’t strictly for her survival, or the survival of others. Before that, it was about pleasing others as well. She didn’t think she was able to stop, though. The image felt too…important now. Even if it destroyed her. Especially if it destroyed her.

She uncapped the polish again to start the second coat. Again, each stroke was slow and deliberate. She was in no hurry to finish. Robin’s hands told a story: old scars, healing scabs, cuts, and yellowed bruises from many clumsy accidents. She definitely wasn’t kidding about having poor coordination. Her hands were also much softer than she’d been expecting and she had no idea how to feel about that. So she chose not to feel at all. It seemed easiest.

“Why do you need to go over them again?” Robin asked.

“Huh?” The spell had been broken. She almost spilled nail polish everywhere, startled by the sudden speech cracking through the silence like thunder.

“Uh,” Nancy stuttered, managing to recover with Robin’s concerned eyes trained on her. “Because…one coat isn’t enough, you know, you want the layers to make sure it lasts.”

“Right,” she breathed. “I’ll give yours my best shot, Nance, just don’t get mad if it looks awful, okay?”

She promised that she wouldn’t. And she didn’t. Robin’s job wasn’t…terrible, but the amount of times polish got on her hands made her giggle until the giggles were nonstop for almost twenty minutes and she couldn’t breathe. They spent the rest of the night that way, carefree in a way that Nancy had never thought possible with anyone else. As it came the dreaded time for bed, her nerves spiked again and she hoped she wouldn’t have another nightmare. Prayed. But life would give her no such relief. 

She sat up in the bed, gasping and shuddering as the eyes and shadows and vines faded from her vision. It took her longer than usual to realize none of it had been real. How long until she could no longer tell she was awake or asleep? A quick look at the time told her they’d only been asleep for about four hours. Robin was dead asleep beside her, or so Nancy thought until she heard her voice, tinged with the haze of heavy sleep.

“Mmmnh, what’s wrong?” She yawned.

“Nothing,” Nancy said automatically. 

“I heard…screaming…”

“Did you?”

“Nightmare?”

“Robin, I’m fine.”

“Stop saying that.” Robin’s voice was stern, but not angry.

“I don’t want people to worry about me.”

“Obviously, and that’s stupid. Why is that so bad?”

“I don’t…deserve…” She trailed off, feeling the shadows wrap around her again. She bit the inside of her cheek so hard that she tasted blood filling her mouth. 

“Nancy,” Robin murmured, sitting up. “What’s going on? Why can’t you talk to me?”

“Won’t let me.” Those were the only words she was capable of getting out. 

“Okay.” She gently tugged Nancy back to the mattress. “Try to sleep. We’re gonna deal with this in the morning.”

“You’re not going to leave?” She sounded like a child. The same sixteen year old that had lost Barb on that horrible night.

“No, no I’m not, just try to relax.” The scent of Robin’s shampoo consumed her and sleep somehow was able to come after that.

Chapter 6: Visions

Nancy stifled another yawn as she scrambled to get ready for school the next morning. Robin was still finishing up in the bathroom, so she made sure she had the perfect outfit for the day. She’d already had her turn in there, and had no concern with dolling herself up a lot. Apparently neither did Robin, for she’d done little more than the bare minimum for herself. She eyed the girl’s tired eyes and lingering flyaways in her hair that she felt the urge to fix. It seemed she couldn’t fight it, for she smoothed them down with a soft smile.

“I’m starving. You having breakfast?”

“Sure, I guess,” Nancy heard herself say. “Not really that hungry though." 

"Well I'm going down to eat!"

Now she was alone for the moment. There were far too many witnesses for her to do her usual routine, so she decided to forgo it in favor of acting normal around everyone else. That was important. Look normal. She fidgeted with her clothes and smoothed herself out multiple times before finally making the trek downstairs to put on a show for everyone else, but before she could so much as begin to fool them all, her mother called for her in the kitchen.

“Did you have a nightmare last night, Nancy?” Karen asked as she put some bread into the toaster.

“It was just a dream, Mom.” Nancy picked up one of the already finished pieces of toast and swiped a layer of apricot jam onto it, almost enough to be considered a full serving. She nibbled at it.

“Are you sure? It’s not the first–”

“Holy shit, are those pancakes chocolate chip ?” Robin blurted, having zero awareness of the conversation she was interrupting.

“Yes,” Karen said kindly. “Help yourself, Robin. Nancy, you should really sit and eat something before school. You’re always just rushing off in the mornings. You’re getting worse than Mike at that.”

“I’ve got toast.” Nancy held up the bread.

“An actual meal,” Karen sighed. “Never mind, I don’t want to argue. If that’s your breakfast, then fine.”

Robin was busy piling her plate high with pancakes and bacon. Nancy smiled and went to sit with her. At least this was someone who wasn’t constantly pushing her to do things she didn’t want to do. She offered her overflowing plate, and Nancy decided to humor her by taking a piece of bacon to join her rapidly cooling toast.

“Bye Mom! I’m going to Will’s after school so I’ll be home late!” He was out the door before there could be any protests. Nancy had to give him credit…that flyby move was one she had taught him. But she hadn’t attempted it in years.

“More bacon, Nance?” Robin offered.

“No thank you.” After finishing the toast and bacon, she didn’t think she could bear to shove any more in her.

On the way to school, Nancy passed the police station. She spotted Hopper with a new vehicle talking to Chief Powell and Officer Callahan. They were men she knew well now after dealing with them several times over the years. She had a strong suspicion that they didn’t like her, that she caused too much trouble. Made too many waves in this town that refused to wake up. But what surprised her more was Joyce Byers was with him. She blinked in surprise when she caught a glimpse of a kiss before continuing on her way to the high school. Well, Joyce definitely deserved happiness after the hell she’d been through. Whatever was going on between Mike and Will, they deserved to work things out. Jonathan deserved to find someone who suited him. Someone on the same page. Steve, too. Lucas and Max deserved a chance to heal together and move forward from the horrors of Vecna. El deserved to be happy with the family that had chosen her. It would bring Nancy true joy to see them triumph and put all this behind them for good, The Upside Down nothing more than a distant memory. A bad dream they’d all finally woken up from. It was just her that didn’t deserve any of it. The garden of Eden was locked for her. She’d never see the gates of heaven. 

Her car rolled to a stop in a parking spot, but she didn’t remember the last few minutes of the drive. Her fingers were tingly, almost numb. She tried to take in a breath, but hardly any was going into her lungs. She slammed her fists against the steering wheel until the tears and ragged breathing receded, defeated by her self punishment. Her hands ached as she climbed out of her car to face another day. It seemed everything kept repeating itself like she was in some kind of time loop. She shook herself off and walked into the school. She spotted Robin in the hall talking to Vickie, but kept on going to her class, but everything came to a crashing halt when she spotted Robin kissing Vickie.

Didn’t they break up? Nancy dropped the books she was holding and both girls looked at her. Well, this couldn’t possibly be more embarrassing.

And to conclude your little spiel, Robin deserves to be happy with Vickie.

Nancy blinked and she spotted the two girls again as she walked down the hallway, but they had a good amount of distance between them. It was hard to tell if it was an argument or a casual conversation, but after what she had just seen, the last thing she wanted to do was get involved. Or talk to either of them for that matter. Was the kiss real? Was this real? She made it to first period just seconds before the final bell rang to signal the start of the day. It was just to her luck she shared this class with Robin.

…Wait. No she didn’t.

The hallway again. Vickie had Robin up against the lockers. Why did she keep seeing this? Why did she keep waking up here? What was going on? How was she going to get out? She ran down the hallway through the double doors, trying not to panic. That was what he wanted. To scare her. To make her doubt everything. Well, it was working. How else was she supposed to feel? There was no room for anger towards anyone besides herself. Something silver shone on the wall in the bathroom Razor blades, for some reason. She took one and slashed her arm once, twice, just to try to wake herself up.

Nancy woke up to blood in the sink and her eyes wild with fright and confusion. She stared at her handiwork, the latest evidence. She made quick work of bandaging herself up before heading to her first class as the final bell rang. Time to play normal and act like nothing happened. Her leg bounced nonstop during the lecture. Something about a quiz coming up in a few days. Study, blah, blah, blah. Her mind couldn’t be further from the room. All she could think about was–

That kiss.

Why did she care so much if it was real or not? Of course Robin deserved to be happy with someone. What did it have to do with her? It’s not like the two of them…had…anything. They were friends. Friends. Sure, they had some moments, but it’s not like she liked her or anything. Not like that. She’d broken up with Jonathan less than a week ago, the last thing she wanted was another relationship. With a girl, for that matter. There were too many things wrong with that. 

By the time second period finally rolled around, Nancy thought her nerves were going to fall apart from how frayed they had become over the last hour. She got herself a drink of water at a nearby water fountain to make the constant pounding in her head recede at least a little bit. She backed up when she was finished, right into–

Robin. The very girl she definitely wasn’t trying to avoid. Having that thought just after having spent the night in the same bed was so jarring. But the instinct to recoil was there all the same, and it wasn’t like she could help it.

“Nance,” Robin said happily. “Oh, I had so much fun last night, you know. I never had a sleepover before then, and it was great to just do something that other kids got to do. So, thank you so much, Nancy, really.”

“What?” Nancy blinked. What the hell was going on?  

Did she not talk to Vickie, then? Nothing in her face indicated they could’ve even interacted this morning. Why the hell was she thinking so much about a band girl she hadn’t even had a conversation with?

“I…just…” Robin faltered. “Are you okay? You seem out of it. I mean, I saw you earlier and called for you but you seemed to be elsewhere entirely.”

“Are you and Vickie back together? What’s going on with that?” She deflected the conversation away from herself with the ease of smacking a tennis ball to the other side of the court.

“We were just talking,” Robin said. “I mean she’s nice and all, but I prefer hanging out with you to be honest. We have a lot more in common, and Vickie feels very much like someone I had put on a pedestal rather than trying to get to know as a person. I don’t think that makes for a good…um…friendship.”

Something about the way Robin had said friendship made it seem like she’d wanted to say something else. Nancy wondered why she just didn’t come out and say it, they both knew what she was actually talking about. She’d swear on her life not to tell anyone if that was what made Robin comfortable.

“Friendship,” Nancy repeated, emphasizing the word. “Yeah, because what I just saw looked a whole lot like friendship.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Nancy? Nothing happened? Why do you care, anyway?” Robin looked at her suspiciously. 

“Never mind,” Nancy muttered when she realized that whatever moment she had seen must’ve not been real after all. However, the still bleeding cuts on her arm very much were. A lucky thing it was permanently autumn weather around here.

“No,” Robin snapped, grabbing her hand. “You don’t get to do that, Nancy.” She tried to protest and pull away, but Robin kept going.

“You don’t get to just accuse me of shit that isn’t true and act like nothing happened. What is your problem today? You’re so scatterbrained and all the sudden you are being really weird about Vickie. What happened to the friend that actually felt sorry for me? Huh? Where is she now? Because I don’t see her!”

“Robin,” Nancy whispered. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“Just…what? Wanted to interfere in something that wasn’t any of your business?”

“I just wanted to know if it was real!” Nancy exploded, all the breath leaving her lungs. Like air from a balloon. 

Robin blinked. Blinked again.

“Why?” She angled her head downward, again reminding Nancy of how much shorter she was than this girl. “What has he been making you see now? And why me and Vickie specifically ? Come on, we know how this asshole works. There’s something you’re dying to tell me, Nance, and it seems like you can’t, no matter how hard I try to pull it out of you.”

“Robin,” Nancy said again. Her voice cracked. “I’m sorry.” She gulped back tears and tried to maintain some form of dignity. The warning bell chimed. One minute to get to class.

“Come find me when you get your act together.”

Robin deserves to be happy.

Not me.

Second, third, and fourth period leading up to lunch were all a grayed out blur. Hopefully there was nothing worth remembering in those hours she hadn’t been present for. Nancy got into the lunch line, but she felt so anxious about it. She was hungry, though. She hadn’t had a proper meal and days and now it was time to just start eating again. Nothing was appealing to her, though. She settled on a pear, a breadstick, some salad, a portion of spaghetti, and a bottle of water. She took her tray to a random table and stared at it. She desired nothing more than to toss the whole thing in the trash, but she was thrown out of her reverie when she spotted Robin yet again. It seemed like she was going to be haunted by this girl today. She ducked her head and nibbled at some of the bread, picked at the salad, then took a single bite of noodles before tossing everything besides the water bottle. She was just making her escape when she crashed into the very girl she was trying to get away from. Really, again?

“Sorry,” Nancy mumbled to Robin’s shoes. “I’ll get out of your way.”

“Seems like you hardly ate anything,” Robin noted. “That’s the second time…”

“What does it matter? All I know how to do is hurt people.” Nancy was still addressing the floor rather than looking at Robin’s face.

“Okay, I get it, pity party,” Robin observed. “You ready to actually talk now? Let’s go.”

Her longer legs made it hard to keep up at her pace, but Nancy attempted anyway. They stopped in the library. She caught her breath and sipped at the bottle of water she’d gotten from the cafeteria. Pound, pound, pound. It was like something was drilling against her skull all the time. She just wanted it to stop. Maybe someone could cut off her head. Maybe she could cut off her own head.

“Okay.” Robin stopped with Nancy in the mystery aisle. Her life sure was a mystery, she could agree with that. “Spill. Why are you being a jealous freak?”

“Wish I knew, but…it is true he made me see what happened in the hall, Robin. I don’t know what’s real anymore.” She fiddled with the lid of the water bottle. “It’s scary. I’m…scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen next.”

“Nancy, did you ever have a thing for Barb?”

“W-What? No! No, I didn’t.” 

This aisle felt entirely too small for the two of them. Nancy felt she was being constricted by Robin’s interrogation.

“You’re sure?”

“I…yes! I’m sure! Why the third degree, Robs?” She could barely get the words out now. 

“You two, I mean, you were like this.” Robin crossed her fingers together. “Like ridiculously close to the point where it annoyed everybody. And you never seemed to feel the need to talk to anyone else.”

“That…doesn’t…” Nancy backed up into the shelf behind her.

“Is there a problem over here?” The librarian interrupted as she approached the pair.

“No, no,” Robin said quickly. 

The bell for class rang. Nancy took that opportunity to slip out of the aisle and run out of the library, not looking back at Robin. Her heart thudded in her chest. She had no idea what had gotten into the girl. Her and Barb? Really? She tried to push the question out of her mind. But it kept coming back to her throughout the rest of the day. She didn’t see Robin the rest of the day, either. For once, she was no longer being stalked around. The remainder of her day felt quite empty because of that.

As she walked to her car, she broke down into a coughing fit. She hunched over and struggled to get her breath back. When she was finally able to breathe again, she tasted blood on her tongue. She groaned and climbed behind the wheel. There never seemed to be a second of mercy for her. She swallowed the blood and winced, her throat aching. There wasn’t time to think about it right now anyway. With Max awake, they were overdue for coming up with their next plan of action. She grabbed her walkie and switched it on, but nobody seemed to be on any channel that she could see. Out of curiosity, she switched to a random channel with static and closed her eyes. 

What…if…? It was such a long shot. But what if indeed?

She had to focus on someone.

Mike.

Nancy opened her eyes and found herself in a black void.

She gasped and found herself back in her car, distracted by how much the immediate success had stunned her. She wiped blood from her nose and started her engine. Well she already knew where Mike was going to be. All she had to do was make the drive back to the Byers’ house. Who knows what she would find there, but what she did know was they had to act, before it was too late and whatever Vecna was doing to her finally killed her.

Don’t worry. I intend to leave you very much alive, Nancy. Although you’ll beg for death more and more every day that I drag you down into the hell you have created for yourself.

She could almost see him now. Perhaps he was just about recovered enough to strike. 

Chime.

Chime.

Chime.

Chime. 

Chime.

She had no idea where her car had taken her for the past several minutes, but this sure wasn’t the street the Byers currently lived on. She did a U-turn and went home. Screw this. She had to fight back somehow. Maybe she could finally–

Her nose began to bleed just as she pulled up the driveway. She scrambled to get out of her car. Nancy stumbled into the house, trying to cover up the bleeding so no one could see. Blood dripped onto the pristine carpet. Her footsteps echoed as she headed for the bathroom to wait out the latest attack.

“Nancy, honey? Is that you?”

“J-Just a sec, Mom!” She pulled the bathroom door shut, breathing raggedly. It wouldn’t stop. Blood kept coming. She leaned over the sink. Forward, not backward, so she wouldn’t swallow any of it.

“Are you okay? You bled on the carpet. Did you get hurt?” Her mother’s voice came from halfway down the stairs.

“I’m fine, Mom. Stop worrying.”

“You’re my daughter, of course I’m going to…open the door please.”

Nancy unlocked the door without touching it. So she did have some powers after all. She stared at the blood in the sink. The bleeding was slowing down, but still pretty steady, like an open wound that was taking its time to heal. Karen stared at her eldest in shock for a split second before jumping into action. She got a towel and wet it some and applied pressure for a solid minute before pulling away. The bleeding had stopped. She then wiped off Nancy’s face and rinsed the sink out before making Nancy sit on the closed toilet lid. At least that made the spinning stop.

“What is going on?” Karen asked. “I’ve never seen you get a nosebleed, especially one this bad. You’re white as a sheet.”

“I’m–”

“You say you’re fine one more time I swear,” her mother warned quietly.

“I’m not sure,” Nancy said in a small voice. “I had a few of them, but it’s been sorta random.”

She sighed and leaned her head back.

“That’s all, then? Nothing else?” Karen pressed.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Nancy said tiredly. She really didn’t want to have this conversation right now.

“The nightmares,” she reminded her. “We were about to talk about it.”

“It’s…nothing. Just stupid dreams,” Nancy mumbled.

“I hear you screaming every night.” Her mother put a hand on her back. She stiffened, but didn’t pull away. “What’s been haunting you so badly? Is it about Barb still? I could…take you to see someone. Maybe a grief counselor, to finally put all that behind you.”

“No, Mom…”

Her mother, dead. Her brother, dead. Her sister, dead.

Dead, dead, dead.  

The vision sometimes hit her when she least expected it. In the shower. In the car. In class. On the verge of sleep. A reminder of who she had to protect at all costs, even if it cost her her own life.

“Nance, please. As your mother. You can talk to me.”

Nancy looked up at her mother and hesitated. Perhaps she couldn’t avoid this forever. It would feel so…good to finally get everything off her chest. Maybe she’d finally get an uninterrupted night of sleep for once.

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” 

“That’s not true, I know about–”

A loud, unending snarl sounded from just outside the house. Nancy ran to grab one of her guns to defend her family.

“Where are you going?!?”

“To kill whatever’s out there! I’m not gonna let anything happen to you guys!” Nancy started loading the gun she had used on Vecna. It was showtime. She sprinted down the stairs as she heard the creature roar. It was unlike any she’d heard before.

“Grab ‘em by the throat!!”

What was Hopper doing here?!? She ran outside and started shooting at the thing. It was a mess of eyes and tentacles that she could barely comprehend. She was all too aware of her mother and Holly in the vicinity. They had to bear witness to her wicked good aim, how all emotion left her face when she was truly in battle mode. Unfortunately, the combined force of her and the former police chief wasn’t enough.

“We need more fire power!” Hopper yelled. “JOYCEEE HURRY UP!!!”

“I’m trying!!!” Her voice came from a fair distance, near the police truck. Eventually, an object got tossed in his direction and he caught it.

Nancy took out a lighter and lit the pack of dynamite before Hopper tossed it at the ten foot tall beast. But just as he did so, it howled and made a grab for her mother. She could only watch in horror as it dug some needle-like things into her and tossed her like a ragdoll.

“No!!!!! No Mom!!!!”

“We gotta get you outta here!!!” Hopper pulled her into his truck. “Holly, in the back! Now!”

“No!” Nancy screamed, reaching for her mother’s limp body on the ground. “Mommy…” 

She was wrapped in a warm, comforting embrace. Joyce?

“I’m sorry, honey, we’ll get some medical help to her as soon as we can, but right now we gotta keep you safe. Okay?”

“Promise me!”

“What?” Joyce asked.

“Promise me she’s gonna be okay!” Nancy demanded, on the verge of tears again.

“I promise we’ll do everything we can for her. Hop, we gotta go pick up Mike.”

“Already on it.” Hopper spun the wheel hard and sped off towards the Byers household.

Nancy twisted around in Joyce’s arms and watched as they got further from the monster. Further from her critically injured mother in the middle of the street she had grown up on. Her heart sank into her stomach as she realized another person had been horribly hurt on her watch. Perhaps she was cursed. That would explain it. Silent tears streamed down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around herself. When would this nightmare end?

“Who’s meeting us there?”

“Murray is coming into town, Owens and some of his guys, of course we’ll have El and Mike, Lucas, Erica, Dustin, Jonathan, Steve, Robin, and you guys. I think that covers everyone except Max in the hospital.”

“What about Eddie? I thought everyone was about to…arrest him…” Nancy frowned. It felt nice to have something else to latch onto.

“I’m taking care of it,” Hopper said. “Powell and Callahan have circumstantial evidence against him at best.”

“Good.” Nancy sighed.

“You okay?” Joyce murmured, rubbing her back.

“I don’t know…feels like everything keeps getting worse .”

“That’s because it does. But we’ll come out on the other side, Nancy. I can feel it.” 

“I hope so.” Nancy slumped back and blankly watched the scenery of Hawkins pass by out the window.

Chapter 7: Candy Striper

Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

“You’ll wear a groove in that floor, Wheeler,” Hopper observed. Still, Nancy didn’t quit.

“Nancy,” Joyce said. “How about some coffee?” She offered a mug to her. Nancy took it and sipped at the contents. Cream and sugar. The frantic pacing had come to a stop at last. 

Joyce sighed. “Your frantic kinetic energy is making me nervous. Why don’t we…sit down and talk?”

They sat in El’s room together, door shut. As much privacy as they would get for the time being. Nancy continued letting the sugar-laden coffee calm her nerves as much was possible in this scenario. She was surprised when Joyce took her by the arm.

“I’ve been hearing something’s going on with you, Nancy,” she said gently. Under her sleeve, her arm continued to throb steadily.

“Miss Byers…Joyce…” Nancy tried to pull away from her grip. She used her free hand to set the coffee down. “Please, you have enough to worry about with your own kids, El, Hopper. You have your hands full.”

“And yet I’ve chosen to be in this room with you. Come now. You’ve been holding something in for awhile , I can feel it.” She took her hand this time and squeezed it.

“Nothing is going on,” Nancy insisted. She felt like the loop of denial and lies was going to crush her. It would be easier if everyone just left it alone.

“It doesn’t seem like nothing,” Joyce said. “If it makes you feel better, whatever you say won’t leave this room. I promise.”

“Really,” Nancy laughed. 

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was her nerves stretched so tight that they were about to snap. Maybe it was the constant looking over her shoulder for the next vision, or waiting for the next nosebleed that would make her so dizzy she would nearly pass out. But all she could do was laugh at the empty words being offered at her right now, like some kind of childish peace offering. She could feel Joyce’s eyes on her as the woman waited for her to calm down. Nancy shook her head and looked back up at her.

“How about everyone stop bullshitting me first before I start thinking about being honest?”

“What do you mean?” Joyce asked. She was unfazed. And that just made Nancy even more angry. She picked up the coffee and drained the rest of it. She tossed the empty cup and started pacing around the room again.

Can’t hold it in anymore it all has to come out, it all has to come out—

She threw herself off the mental cliff.

“I just know everyone is acting like they care because I’m probably dying or something.” She sucked in a breath and spun around, back to the door. She could feel herself unraveling more by the second, like a sweater whose loose thread had finally been found. Except this time she let it happen.

“My whole life, it’s never been about me, or what I want,” Nancy continued. “Nancy, look after your brother. Nancy, look after your sister. Nancy, did you get your homework done? Nancy, I don’t think that’ll look good on a college application.” Her whole body felt warm, but she kept going. “So yeah, I went for Steve, it was the closest thing to rebellion I had ever done. He was sweet, he made me forget about everything and I was a normal teenager for once in my goddamn life. But it cost me her !”

The lights flickered as she howled the last word. In, and out. In, and out. Nancy was standing by the nightstand and caught Joyce looking at the ceiling in her peripheral vision. But she couldn’t be bothered to care about that right now, even as she caught a pair of eyes watching from beyond for a split second. The whirlwind continued mostly uninterrupted.

“The worst part is,” she said breathlessly. “..is…how everyone else moved on, but I’m still there. I’m still on the goddamn stairs telling Barb to go home. I close my eyes and I’m there, I turn around and I’m there. Nothing changes it, I can’t change it, I’ll always have her blood on my hands and nothing can ever make that better! Nothing! I’m always gonna be on the stairs, Joyce, nothing can bring me away from them.” She paused, her hands shaking. 

Again, the lights flickered. Something was about to explode.

“Or the pool,” she whispered hoarsely. 

Nancy slammed a fist into the wall.

“I just want…this…to END!!!”

Pop!

The room plunged into darkness as the light surged and shattered above them.

“Now Barb is dead,” Nancy said brokenly, the tears finally falling. “And Fred, and who knows if my mom is alive now because I’m made of nothing but destruction and I hurt everyone around me with my selfishness!”

A pair of arms wrapped around her as she began openly sobbing. Once the tears started, it seemed like they would never stop. She couldn’t, anyway. The floodgates had opened. She wailed into Joyce’s chest. And the woman was so patient, not interrupting for even a second. It wasn’t until Nancy was completely spent that Joyce spoke.

“Why don’t you get some rest?” Joyce murmured. “I could stay with you if you want.” Nancy wanted to protest, but didn’t have the energy. Instead, she let Joyce lead her to the bed and help her lie down. Her last bit of awareness was a blanket gently being tucked around her.

Everything came back into reality in pieces, the echoes of the latest nightmare fading away to nothing. But not even the horrible things she had seen in her sleep were enough to wake her up this time. She felt heavy, inside and out. She was certain she could sleep the whole day if it weren’t for that light streaming in to wake her up.

“...her sleep, Hopper. She’s really been through it lately.”

“Well, breakfast is getting cold.”

Nancy rolled over and groaned. The lightbulb in the room had been replaced, but it was currently off. Weak sunlight streamed into the room. Blood soaked the sheets. She sat up with a slight gasp. Oh now she was awake. Before she could even begin to fix the mess, though, there was a knock.

“Nancy? You awake, honey?” Joyce called.

“Uh, yeah, I just–”

The door opened. Well, shit. Her whole body tensed as the woman walked in with a glass of orange juice. Saw the blood. She dropped everything she was doing and helped Nancy to her feet. Without a word, she took her into the bathroom, where Mike protested loudly at being interrupted in brushing his teeth until a withering look from Joyce forced him to finish up and skedaddle. Once he was gone, Joyce closed the door.

“Let me see.” That maternal tone made Nancy want to cry all over again. Instead, she slipped out of the flannel she had been living in for days, exposing the cuts she had made on herself in her desperation to escape another vision. Her arm was covered in blood.

“These…are pretty deep, Nancy, you might need stitches. I can get you to the ER to have the doctors patch you up real quick.” No judgment, no questions. Just straight into action. It was a relief, really.

“I don’t know what happened, I was just trying to…escape…” She didn’t know how to explain the visions to Joyce, even though she knew in her heart that the woman would understand in ways her own never could.

“It’s okay, let’s just get you fixed up.” Joyce handed her the flannel back. Nancy pulled it back on, shivering. 

They entered the the main part of the cabin together. By now, the kids who had joined them had seemingly left for school. Strangely, the only one of the teens who had lingered was Robin, despite the tension that had been between them yesterday. Nancy wanted to ask El about her powers and how she managed to control them, but of course the girl had already left with everyone else. Bigger fish to fry, anyway.

“I’m taking Nancy to the hospital,” Joyce said to Hopper. “Could you come with us for extra protection?”

“What happened?”

“She was…injured in the attack at her house. She didn’t show me until just now.” Nancy met eyes with Robin. She looked suspicious.

“I want to come too,” Robin insisted.

“Fine, but we need to leave now,” Joyce sighed. The entire time, the woman kept physical contact in Nancy in some way, whether it was holding her by her arm or keeping a hand on her lower back. It just about killed her how nice that felt, when the last hug she’d gotten from her mother was almost a year ago.

Once in the car, Robin sat next to Nancy in the back, Hopper at the wheel and Joyce in the passenger seat. Nobody said a word as Hopper began the treacherous drive through a town that was slowly becoming less and less recognizable. It wasn’t until Nancy pulled her arm closer to her body that Robin finally said something.

“You’re bleeding again.”

“I’ll be okay.”

Robin took off her jacket and used it almost like a tourniquet, tying it off above the source of the bleeding. Strangely, she didn’t ask Nancy to show off the wound. She wondered if Robin already knew how it happened. Did she make some kind of guess? She seemed to be good at those kinds of things. Nancy did admire that about her. They had that in common, even if it presented far differently in the two of them.

“Thanks,” Nancy said softly. She had to get better about accepting help, clearly.

“Was it really an accident?” Robin whispered, leaning closer to her.

“I just wanted to get out,” Nancy said. “Out…out of wherever I was. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Instead of yelling, like Nancy had expected, Robin just took her hand. Her heart skipped a beat. She felt like she was going to melt into a puddle right there in the car.

“Why the hell have we been fighting so much lately? I don’t like fighting. It makes me feel so ugly, Nance. And you don’t strike me as the kind of person who likes arguing with their friends.”

“I don’t know,” Nancy admitted. “I know I’ve been…a lot to deal with lately. And I’ve been acting weird.”

“I guess anyone would act out if their life was falling apart,” Robin mused. “Especially now…with your mom…” She sighed. “I always said I didn’t want to turn into my mother, and here we are.”

“Don’t worry, I think we all become our parents a little bit, one way or another.” Nancy shrugged, although internally she was quite relieved that maybe they could work things out for real this time.

“Now that that’s out of the way…” Robin turned Nancy’s hand over, examining the old scar. “Do you wanna talk about anything?”

“I just want to find my mom. I’ll be able to think after that. But I have to find her. I just know Mike is losing it at school right now.”

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Robin assured her. “I mean, you’re a genius, Nance.”

Her whole face felt warm.

“Hospital's locked up tight,” Hopper announced as he tried to find a place to park that wasn’t crawling with military. “Joyce, take her inside alone. I think the fewer people, the better.”

Nancy looked at Robin. It was in that moment she realized she didn’t want to be separated from her. Robin felt like solid ground. Then again, so did Joyce. Now she was supposed to choose who she wanted with her, and she wasn’t sure if she could be trusted with that kind of judgment call. In the end, though, she said nothing and got out of the car. Her sleeve was soaked in blood. She felt dizzy.

“Okay, almost there,” Joyce murmured. She wrapped an arm around her waist. “We gotta get some sugar in you or something, you look like you’re going to collapse from blood loss.”

It was twenty minutes later before they made it indoors, and another thirty before Nancy got seen for a blood transfusion and stitches. Robin went unusually quiet during this whole process. Joyce told her to look away if she wanted to, but Nancy was curious about the damage she’d caused to herself. The cuts were clean, but deep. Once she was stitched up, they gave her a pint of blood and some juice. Orange juice. She wanted nothing more than to chuck the cup into the trash, undrunk, but it was her only exit out of the hospital. So she winced and downed the whole thing. It was just orange juice. No panic involved. She looked to Joyce, intending to ask where her mother was, when someone in a pink dress walked past. Candy striper.

“Is there no chance of seeing my mom?”

“Hopper’s asking, but…it’s not looking good.” She pointed in the hallway.

“Screw asking for permission,” Nancy mumbled. “I’ve got an idea, but I need one of those dresses.”

“Oh hell yeah,” Robin said, seeming to come back to herself once there were no more needles in sight. Nancy made a mental note of the phobia.

Released from the hospital’s care, Nancy was now free to move around. She ducked into a closet and found a bunch of candy striper outfits. It was second nature to slip into one of them. She’d gone under cover a few times by now. Hopefully this time she wouldn’t get caught. The stakes were higher than ever. After sneaking out of the closet unnoticed and stuffing her old, bloody clothes into the trash, she ran through a mental list of who she needed to check on before accomplishing her mission: Eddie was here somewhere, and Max, she already knew where the girl’s room was. The hallways were winding, but she managed to make her way to the ICU where two specific patients awaited visitors.

She was unsurprised to see Wayne Munson with his nephew, speaking in quiet tones she couldn’t pick up from the doorway. Nancy waited patiently until he left the room for something. Of course Powell and Callahan were there, guarding. Eddie was handcuffed to the bed. It was an awful sight. She wanted nothing more than to break him out of this situation. Nancy was tempted to tell the officers everything about Vecna, but she wasn’t about to become a long term patient here. She had to play this smartly if she wanted to break Eddie out. She had a paperclip in her pocket. That should hopefully be enough. All she needed was a diversion.

Perhaps now was the time to really put these supposed powers to the test. Nancy looked out into the hall and observed her surroundings. She just had to find something that would get the attention of two cops dedicated to their job. Her eyes settled on a fire alarm that was almost out of sight. Bingo. Now it was time to strike up a conversation with Eddie. He hadn’t seemed to notice her presence yet. The uniform made her invisible. Even better.

“Hey Eddie,” Nancy said.

“Oh jeez, I almost didn’t recognize you in that, N–” Her eyes widened and she shook her head slowly. “Uh…Nurse Lady…person…”

“Hey, have I seen you around here before?” Powell asked, clueless as always.

“No, sir, I don’t think so.”

“She looks familiar,” Callahan spoke up. 

“Just have that face, I suppose.” Please stop talking.

“You know what, I believe it’s mealtime for Mr. Munson,” Nancy said sweetly. “I’ll go get the food cart from the hall.”

She stepped out and concentrated on the fire alarm, her hand on the temporarily abandoned cart. A moment later, the alarm was blaring. She let someone jostle into her in the panic and stumbled back into the room, prepared for the most amount of acting she’d ever done in her life.

“S…someone…p-pulled the fire alarm,” she gasped.

“Who?!?” Callahan demanded, reaching for his gun.

“D-Dunno, a patient, they shoved me—”

And they were gone. The handcuff key was left out in the open. Nancy sprung into action, wasting no time in freeing Eddie. It surprised even her how easy that was.

“Holy shit,” Eddie laughed. “You really are a genius, Wheeler. Hey…your nose. Are you okay?”

She wiped blood from her nose and shrugged.

“You better get out of here, Eddie,” Nancy warned. “I only bought you a couple minutes at best.”

She watched as the haggard man made his escape in the chaos. She moved against the crowd in search of Max’s room next. The edges of her reality felt fuzzy. No. Not here. Not now. She shut her eyes for a moment, but it passed quickly this time, allowing her to keep going. There was too much to do to give into the shadows again right now. She found Lucas with Max, who was listening to him read from a book.

“Hey guys,” Nancy greeted. “How’s it going over here?”

“Who set off the fire alarm?” Lucas asked.

“Don’t worry about that. Max, how are you feeling?”

“Alive, I guess…”

“It’s good to see you awake again. Are you getting your sight back?”

“A little bit. In pieces.” Max shrugged. “I’m more worried about my arms and legs than my eyes right now.”

Nancy sank into a chair. She didn’t want to let anyone know how close she had been to fainting. All she wanted was to fall asleep for the rest of the day, but there was far too much to do. It just made her feel even more exhausted. She tapped her fingers on the arm of the chair as she watched Max and Lucas.

“So…your mom, has she been by to visit, Max?”

“A few times. But it’s mostly been Lucas.” “Max said after a point, she could hear me,” Lucas announced happily. “And that my reading to her helped her stay sane…until she found her way back.”

“That’s…good. Really good.” Nancy got to her feet. “I gotta go, but I’ll check back later. Gotta find my mom.”

“Oh, what happened to your mom?” Max asked.

“She was attacked,” Lucas explained, saving Nancy from having to talk about it and relive it. “By one of those monsters. She’s gotta be somewhere here, then. Good luck, Nancy.”

“Thanks, Lucas.”

Dressed as a candy striper, she was invisible to the rest of the hospital unless commands she didn’t fully understand were thrown in her direction. She did her best to follow through and blend in until she located her mother’s room. Nancy sucked in a breath and stepped through the doorway. It was hell, seeing her mother unconscious and hooked up to tubes. She was bandaged, stitched up, and almost unrecognizable. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. There had to be some paperwork around here or something. Her eyes scanned the room. Her mother’s chart just laid there, abandoned when the hospital was partially evacuated due to the fire alarm getting mysteriously pulled. Her stomach twisted into knots as she stared at the file, unable to bring herself to open it. She grabbed it with shaking hands and exited the room. She’d have to read it in the safety of the car. She almost ran straight into Robin.

“Oh, Jesus! Nancy, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Robin exclaimed. “First the fire alarm went off, and I caught a glimpse of you in the hall, so I followed you, but I got lost, and then I figured you’d be visiting Max but Lucas said I had just missed you, and then I was like, oh, hey, maybe she went to see her mom, and now you’re already leaving her room. Like man, you’re all over the place today, and I’m a bit worried you’re stretching yourself too thin, Nance, so, if you wanna talk–”

“Robin,” Nancy murmured, grabbing her hand. 

“S-sorry,” Robin gasped, finally stopping for a breath. “A-Are you okay? Really?”

“I found her file.” Nancy held it up. “We should get out of here before Powell and Callahan realize what I’ve been up to.”

“Ooh, you pulled the fire alarm, didn’t you?” Robin grinned. “Let’s hope Miss Byers and the chief aren’t off sucking face somewhere.”

“Ugh, I don’t wanna think about that.” She couldn’t help but smile back, though. How did Robin always know how to distract her?

They finally located Joyce and Hopper in the cafeteria talking over coffee and cigarettes. Nancy grabbed an apple and bit into it. An average apple. The juice exploded on her tongue. After a few bites, her headache receded the tiniest bit. If she tossed it now, though, everyone would give her a strange look. So she kept eating it, one small bit at a time.

“Hey, we’re ready to go,” Robin announced.

Joyce looked up and put out her cigarette. Her free hand was still holding Hopper’s. She finished off her coffee and got to her feet, nodding to Hopper. He was already holding his keys.

“What kind of trouble did you get into this time?” Hopper asked, referring to Nancy’s outfit.

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” she replied through a mouthful of apple. “But we should probably go before I get my ass arrested for freeing a supposed criminal.”

Joyce chuckled. “So that was you. I had a feeling. How’d you pull that off?”

“I’ll explain later, but right now, we do have to go so I can read this.”

“Do you wanna go back to your house?” Hopper asked. “I can help get it fixed up. The damage shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Well the cabin is definitely too crowded…” Nancy shifted from foot to foot, weighing her options. “My house might be the only place big enough. I’ll have to see if I can distract my dad. Hopefully he’s coming by to visit my mom, if he cares at all.”

“Where’s Holly?” Joyce asked.

“Hopefully with my dad right now. I haven’t…seen much of her lately. She’s been acting a little strange.”

She had no time to think about that, though, not with the file in her hand begging to be opened right then and there. They had no more time to waste. Luckily, Hopper got the hint and led them out of the hospital. Nancy caught a glimpse of her father with Holly in the waiting room, but neither of them took notice of her. She had become a ghost in her own family, and she wasn’t sure how to feel about that. For all intents and purposes, she was an orphan now. 

Once in the truck again, she opened up the file. From there, her world titled into something unrecognizable.

Does this patient have an infection or suspicion of infection? Yes.

Impaired Airway

Labored Breathing

Skin Signs: Pale, Cool, Wet

Respiratory Assist? Yes. CPR? Yes.

This was her mom. Her mom . Nancy felt she might stop breathing herself. She closed the file, as if that would scrub the information from her head.

“Nancy?” Robin murmured. “Are you okay?”

“We need to go get my brother. Now.”

“Let me drop you off first, alright?” Hopper said. “It’s on the way.”

“No,” Nancy said sharply. “My mother could be dying right now! Mike deserves to know!”

“What did the file say?” Joyce asked. It seemed none of them had any qualms about the amount of crimes Nancy had committed today to get her mission accomplished

“Nancy?” She felt Robin’s hand on her leg and stopped breathing for a moment.

“She’s…lucky to be alive. Is all I’m gonna say about it. Hopper, can you hurry up?”

“Are you really asking me to go over the speed limit?”

Selfish, are we?

I’m just worried about Mike…

You’ll stop at nothing to get what you want. Murder, impersonation, lies, jailbreaking, theft…the list keeps growing.

Her leg bounced as she tried to tune it out. Tune him out. Her head pounded from the inside. Robin wrapped an arm around her, and that seemed to be the only thing holding her in the car itself up until they arrived at the high school. It was then that Nancy realized she had missed almost all her classes today. And Robin had ditched just to be with her. She hadn’t once thanked her for that. Robin could’ve easily just gotten her morning ride from Steve and left Nancy to her own devices. But she didn’t do that. Even though she seemed to hate hospitals and needles, she went with her anyway. A friend that was a far better person than she deserved in her life right now.

The next scenes happened in pieces, but they must’ve happened, because she was able to recall them one by one as she laid on her bed. Mike was picked up. Hopper spoke to Ted and Holly, who were back at the house now after a short hospital visit. Joyce made sure a hundred times that Nancy was going to be okay before leaving with Hopper, holding his hand. Mike, yelling that he was ordering a pizza. Ted, saying nothing in protest and stating he had cash in his wallet, clearly not wanting to cook that night. Nancy vaguely remembered choking down a slice, but she didn’t know if they talked about anything. Her next moment of awareness was Robin entering her room with another piece of pizza.

“Hey, you still hungry?”

Nancy shook her head, going back to staring at the ceiling.

“Come on. Have another slice, Nance,” Robin said quietly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you eat more than a few bites of anything the last few days.”

She didn’t know how to explain that she shouldn’t, so she picked up the piece of pizza and tore off some of the crust, taking her time with it. Robin said nothing about the strange way she was eating it and just moved on with the conversation.

“Can I have a look at the file?” She asked after a brief silence.

“Have at it,” Nancy mumbled. She was so focused on trying to eat as much of the pizza as she could that she didn’t notice Robin had finished reading the file and was looking at her.

“You must be living in hell right now with your mom in such bad shape,” Robin observed. “Can I hug you?”

Nancy nodded ever so slightly. It was strange to be asked. Robin smelled like vanilla, an almost bakery quality scent. Layered under that was a hint of sweat from running around earlier that day, then cheese and grease from dinner. All of the scents together should’ve been jarring, but instead she melted into Robin’s arms and never wanted to leave them. She felt warm on the inside. Her heart raced a little. Why did she feel like this? She and Robin were friends. Really good friends, even. This shouldn’t feel strange at all. But it didn’t feel…strange…she wasn’t sure if she had a word for it. But eventually, Robin pulled away and the moment was over all too soon. Nancy leaned into her on instinct.

“I gotta give Steve a call at Family Video. He’s covering my absence at work. Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Once Robin was gone, Nancy curled up on her bed and tried not to think about anything at all. Something about Robin not being with her made her feel even more empty than ever. Why did she need her so badly? Her specifically? It was ridiculous. Downright silly. She had to put this idea out of her head before her childish imagination ran wild with it. What would Jonathan think? What would Steve think? What would Mike think? Hell, what would her parents think? It just wasn’t an option. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t even be allowed into a fantasy. A fragment of a thought. So she cast it on the wind of her mind and let it float away, far away. It was better for everyone that way.

Chapter 8: Confessions and Transgressions

Back at school. Nancy had three entire pages of notes she didn’t remember writing. There was a test she was barely aware of taking. Her teachers expressed relief that she was taking an interest in school again, just like she used to. She wasn’t sure who they were talking about, because that was certainly not how she felt right now. Still, if it kept the prying eyes off her, she supposed that the disassociation couldn’t be all bad. Instead of getting lunch, she went to find El in the school. Using those remote search capabilities, she managed to track the girl down by the time lunch for her class was nearly over.

“Hey El,” she greeted. “How are you?”

“Okay,” El said, looking at Nancy in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I was wondering if I could ask you about your powers, and how you control them. Because it seems like I may be becoming…like you now.”

“Like me?” El furrowed her brows a little.

Nancy decided that the best way to explain would be to just demonstrate what she could do. She shut her eyes and thought about what she wanted to happen. Every single locker in the hallway burst open at the same time. She wiped blood from her nose and looked at El again, who immediately understood the message this time. There was a brief pause. Sometimes it took El a bit longer to find the right words to say.

“Okay. This way.”

Two hours later, Nancy felt she had a bit of a handle on her powers. El wasn’t much of a talker, but her demonstrations were enough for her to understand what the girl wanted her to test out. Once she got going, it wasn’t quite so hard and even felt natural. But, eventually, El had to tell her to call it quits, before she overdid it and passed out in the field they were practicing in. Nancy thanked her for her help and made her way back to the high school, only to bump into Robin in the parking lot.

“Jeez, Nance, where have you been?” Robin asked breathlessly. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. God, your nose has been bleeding a lot. Have the rest of my water.” She handed over her half empty water bottle. Nancy chugged the rest of it.

“I was with El, training,” she said finally after tossing the empty water bottle. She walked on ahead of Robin to the bathroom to get the blood cleaned off herself.

“So you’ve really got superpowers like she does, huh? How the hell does that happen?”

Nancy turned on the closest sink.

“I really have no idea, Robs, it’s possible Vecna gave them to me when he gave me that vision.” It was the only theory that made sense. She shut the sink off, water dripping down her face and chin. The desire to shove her face under that faucet until she couldn’t think anymore was overwhelming. She went to dry her face off.

“I guess…but why would he make it harder for himself?” Robin asked.

“Like this makes life any easier for me?” Nancy gestured to herself.

“Yeah, good point.”

“I’m gonna go to the hospital and see if my mom is awake.” That seemed to be the only productive thing she could do right now. They were in waiting mode once again while Max was still recovering in the hospital.

“I’m going with you,” Robin insisted. It wasn’t a request.

Blink. Once again, Nancy realized time had passed without her awareness. But she’d made it to the hospital, and they both seemed to be in one piece. Fine. Everything was perfectly fine. She let out a breath and killed the engine. She could feel Robin’s eyes on her, but didn’t acknowledge it. She was afraid of what would happen if she did. The walk to her mother’s room was surprisingly short. She was in much the same state she’d been in yesterday. Nancy sat at her mother’s bedside, taking her hand.

“Hi, Mom…”

No response. Only a steady pulse and steady breath kept stable by machines and tubes. Another thread of her came undone. She didn’t think there were any of those left. She was only half aware of Robin quietly saying something to her, but she absorbed none of the words. Nancy knew that her particular brand of grief wasn’t unique. But, goddamn it, she wanted it to be. She wanted the pain to be hers and hers alone. She didn’t want Robin here, looking at her with pity she didn’t deserve. She didn’t want Joyce catching her when she fell and tucking her into bed like she was six years old again. She didn’t want Mike’s worried stares in the morning after another night of screaming in the darkness. What she wanted, no, what she needed was hurt, punishment, retribution. Even clueless Steve had caught on and called her last night when she was on the edge of sleep just to check on her, when she didn’t deserve any of that.

She left her unconscious mother and Robin and escaped into the closest bathroom. Her chest felt like it was being squeezed in a vise. Her fingers felt like they had fallen asleep, tingly and almost numb. Was this what dying felt like? She leaned over the sink, her head spinning like a merry-go-round. Was there any air in the room anymore? She coughed and coughed for a minute or so. Normally, she could recover from one of these fits, but she was out of breath to begin with. Her vision grayed out at the edges. Tears ran down her cheeks. If this was how things ended, everyone deserved better than the horror of finding her. She stepped back from the sink in an attempt to hide herself. Like a marionette, she collapsed to the floor. Her vision grayed out more.

The bathroom door burst open.

“Hey hey hey hey it’s me,” Robin murmured, helping Nancy sit up against the wall. “Take some breaths, Nance,” she whispered.

“N-No, don’t–”

“Shut up, Nance,” Robin said affectionately. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise.”

“I d-don’t deserve–” Nancy struggled but Robin held her fast and buried her face in her hair. If the panic attack didn’t kill her, this surely would.

“Yes, you do,” she whispered.

Her senses gradually came back into focus. She realized how close she and Robin were there on the bathroom floor. There was no reason for her to be, there was plenty of space for the two of them, but she had chosen to be pressed up against her. Nancy was overwhelmed by this. There was no way. She couldn’t entertain this. But she made no move to correct it. Finally there was a safe place to rest, and she didn’t want to fight it any longer. It was Robin who tried to move away first, but Nancy grabbed her by the wrist and simply looked at her.

“Please,” Nancy begged. She’d begged before in her life, but in that sweet sort of manipulative way that got her access to information. Never for things she actually wanted. “Please don’t go, Robin. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, don’t apologize. Do you want some water?” She pulled away just enough to grab a bottle of water from her bag and handed it to Nancy. She drained almost the entire bottle then sank back into the girl. Robin held her.

“I’m not gonna let you deal with this by yourself anymore,” Robin whispered into her hair. Nancy couldn’t think about anything else. “It’s gone on long enough, you hear me?”

“Okay…”

This was comfortable. Nice. She could get used to this. Her breath was more steady now. She looked back up at Robin to try to determine her expression. Her eyes were distant, but not in a sad way. This confused her. What could she possibly be thinking about right now? She was torn between wanting to ask, and not wanting to ruin the moment. She pursed her lips and considered her options. As it happened, life decided for her once again as they heard a stampede of footsteps. Robin helped Nancy to her feet, holding her hand. She hoped her palms weren’t all clammy.

“Ready?” 

Nancy nodded a bit. They went together to face whatever was going on in her mother’s room. She stared, wide eyed, as her mother was finally awake. She was bandaged and stitched up, sure, but she was awake now.

“M-Mom,” she choked out, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hey,” Karen whispered, shakily taking her hand. “I’m alright, Nancy. Barely even hurts right now.”

“I”m sorry, they made me leave you, I wanted to–” Karen shushed her quietly.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I know. I’m just glad you’re safe.” A doctor came into the room.

“We may need to isolate Mrs. Wheeler. I was told she had an infection, but it seems her paperwork has gone missing…” His eyes lingered on Nancy, but she pulled her best blank and clueless face. “No matter,” he continued. “Your husband is being informed of your being awake and is on his way.”

“Good,” she sighed. “I hope Holly is alright. How’s Mike?”

“I…haven’t talked to him,” Nancy confessed quietly. “Between school and everything, I’ve barely seen him.”

“No matter, we can all talk when he gets here.” Karen coughed weakly. “Because I may be here awhile, and I’ll need you both to step up a lot more to keep things going for me.”

“Of course, Mom.” It’s nothing she wasn’t used to at this point. It had been her reality since she was thirteen. But she wasn’t about to get into a fight over it right now. She felt Robin’s hands on her shoulders and her cheeks heated up.

Thankfully, it wasn’t a long wait before her family showed up. Holly had a coloring book that she opened up rather than her homework that needed to get finished. It seemed her way of coping was escaping into her imagination. She reminded Nancy of Will a little bit when he was younger. God she hoped that Holly wasn’t next. Or Mike. Even her dad, she prayed nothing would happen to him if only for the fact they deserved at least one parent in the picture. Mike was a sobbing mess, asking Nancy and Karen what had happened over and over until he got every last detail of the attack. It seemed like it was up to Nancy to be solid ground for the whole family once again. She didn’t know why it always had to be her. But what other choice did she have in the matter? So she locked away her private anxieties and resentment behind a mental door. Keeping it all behind lock and key was best for everyone. She sensed Robin’s eyes on her as she continued looking after what everyone else needed: helping Holly with her homework, getting some food for Mike, talking to her father about what needed to get fixed at the house still, talking to her mother’s doctors about her condition and how much longer she was expected to stay in the hospital.

“You hungry?” Robin asked a couple hours later once things had settled. Visiting hours were coming to an end, so they had no choice except to retreat to the hospital cafeteria. When Nancy didn’t answer, she tried again.

“When did you last eat, Nancy?”

“This…morning?” She tried to think.

“You’re having dinner,” Robin said. There was a finality to her voice that couldn’t be argued with no matter how much Nancy wanted to.

Robin selected something simple: a turkey sandwich and some fruit. Grapes, strawberries, honeydew. And a bottle of water. Nancy’s leg bounced under the table as she stared at her plate. She ate a single grape, then a strawberry. 

“Any idea what the plan is after this? Should we go find Eddie?”

Nancy was grateful that Robin was saying nothing about her current eating pattern: a single piece of fruit at a time, separating the crust from the rest of the sandwich then eating the crust first, punctuated with sips of water to forget about the taste of everything.

“I have no idea,” Nancy admitted after a moment. In her extreme hunger, she’d made over half the sandwich disappear in a matter of minutes. That’s enough. You can stop now. She picked up the last grape. 

“I suppose? I just wanna see if he’s okay, really. But I have no idea where he’s gone. Tomorrow’s Friday, so maybe we can stop by Family Video to see…oh my god, Robin!! Have you been missing work because of me?!” 

“Don’t worry about me,” Robin dismissed. “I’ll be fine, okay? I’m picking up extra shifts this weekend. As far as my boss knows, I had a terrible case of the flu and haven’t been able to make it in.”

“You lied…for me…” Nancy felt a glow of admiration. “That’s so sweet, actually.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Robin said. Her cheeks were pink now. “Anyway, I’ll be there, so if you wanna swing by on Saturday and talk to Steve with me, feel free to do so.”

I’ll get to see Robin again. She actually wants to see me.

Now Saturday couldn’t come soon enough. Nancy felt like she was floating as she walked into her still damaged house. Ted was occupied with all kinds of notes and measurements about the repairs that needed to be done. She ignored him and started for her room. She was stopped by Mike, who was already dressed for bed. She’d never known him to go to bed this early before.

“Hey Nancy, how are you feeling?” Mike asked.

“I’m alright.” She smiled a little. “What about you? I know it’s rough with Mom in the hospital and everything."

“Yeah. Listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you since yesterday.”

“What is it, Mike?” Nancy murmured, stepping closer to him in case this was something that had to be out of their father’s earshot. By the look on his face, her instinct was right.

“I kissed Will.” Mike’s eyes were frightened and full of tears. Nancy had to tread carefully or she’d shatter his already vulnerable heart. Before she could articulate a response, Mike was already rambling again.

“I…I mean…I didn’t mean to! I just…wanted to tell him bye, and y-you know!” He gestured wildly. His voice pitched higher, sounding like he was twelve again. Nancy reached out and put a hand on his shoulder to get him to calm down.

“Mike, it’s okay,” she assured softly.  “I’m not upset, I’m not mad, okay?” 

Slowly, her younger brother began to calm down. Tears rolled down his cheeks. She rubbed his arm a little. Thankfully, their father didn’t seem to notice their conversation at all. Still, to be on the safe side, she guided him down to his safe place: the basement. Nancy even went as far as shutting the door. Any further words they exchanged would not leave that room. They sat on the couch. Directly behind them was the painting that Will had made for Mike, still in perfect condition besides some creases that could barely be noticed without scrutinizing them.

“You’re not…mad?” Mike looked up at her.

“No, I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Nancy said. “So…are you okay?”

“Mom and Dad are gonna kill me if they know,” he mumbled.

“Well, you know Dad…” She trailed off. Their father had long since decided who they were supposed to be. Any deviation from that was unthinkable. It had become a sort of unspoken rule to maintain the facade around him, and let it down whenever and wherever it was safe to do so.

“What am I going to do?” Mike whispered. The fear had crept back into his voice again. “Nobody can know about…about this . Everything would change.”

“Nobody has to know about it if you don’t tell them, Mike. And it doesn’t have to change everything. Don’t you know your friends?”

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered, fidgeting. “But what if they don’t like this? What if I’m banished from the party?”

Nancy picked up Mike’s D&D figurine. Somehow, after all these years, it was still in near flawless condition.

“What would Mike the Paladin do?” She set the figurine down.

“He would…face this head on. He’s not willing to be a coward. Whatever happens is up to the fates themselves.” Mike slowly got more comfortable as he was allowed to think about things in a framework that was safe for him.

“And that’s what you should do,” Nancy said softly. “The longer you hold this in, the more it’s going to hurt on the inside.”

“Is that how you feel, Nancy?”

How does he know? You idiot, he heard you in the cabin.

“This isn’t about me right now,” she said quickly. “I know you’ve got this, Mike. You’ll think of the right words to say, and they’re going to accept you. Will already has, hasn’t he?”

“Guess you’re right. Um…thanks N—unhh!” He whined as Nancy gave him a bear hug. “Stop, let go, let goooo!!!” She was certain both of them felt the ache of their mother not coming in to break up the moment. Instead, the role had gone to Holly, who was at the top of the stairs.

“Dad says dinner’s ready,” Holly announced.

“I already ate at the hospital,” Nancy replied automatically. “I’ll see you later, Mike, okay?” She tousled his hair and went up the stairs just after her sister.

The wait till Saturday was excruciating, especially since Nancy had days of homework to catch up on. She spent half the night on Friday completing every assignment due next week, then every missing thing she had been avoiding the whole week. She had to get herself back into gear if she wanted to continue to appear normal enough for everyone else. What she had noticed in the town at large is no one seemed to mind if she was a little bit broken, so long as she knew not to act too obviously broken. Then everyone got uncomfortable. Despite her exhaustion from being up till three in the morning, sleep still eluded her until the sun began to rise. Unfortunately, barely a couple hours after that, her alarm went off. Family Video should be open now. A quick shower and change later, and she was ready to go. She was geared up, of course, that went without question. As she left the house, her father was already up and working on repairing the massive hole in the side of the house.

She recalled the drive to Family Video in fragments. She got out of the car and felt her head spin. She shut her eyes until the sensation passed. The last thing she needed was to pass out and for everyone to catch on. To what? She refused to answer the question, even for herself. Nancy walked inside. It was buzzing already early this Saturday morning, freeing her up to explore the films in stock and pretend to show an interest in them. She felt a pair of hands come down on her sides and screamed, dropping Back to the Future to the carpet. A customer gave them both a dirty look.

“Nance! I’ve been calling for you! How are you?” Robin smiled. Oh, she really was the sun. Nancy looked at her, words on the edge of her tongue that she couldn’t bring herself to say. Instead, she fell into her script again.

“I’m okay, what about you?” The smile on her face felt like it was painted on. She didn’t know if she wanted Robin to be fooled or to see right through it. Which was worse?

“Thinking about you!” 

Nancy pulled back and raised an eyebrow.

“I…I mean,” Robin squeaked. “Not like, you know, thinking about you, but thinking about you! And how you’d go about searching for someone without any leads! I wasn’t… thinking, in, like, romantically or stalker-y, or, oh god.”

“Hey, what’s going on over there?” Steve called as he struggled to handle a crowd on his own. “I could use some help, Robin!”

“Sorry,” she whispered breathlessly to Nancy. “Pick this up during my lunch break?”

“Meet me at the library when your shift is over,” Nancy said. “I’ll be waiting for you.” 

“Can I come?” Steve asked.

“No!” Nancy and Robin said in unison.

“I’m kiddiiiing!” Robin grinned as she went to rescue Steve from the family from hell that was trying to rent six movies.

Nancy paced around the library. She must’ve gotten a drink of water four times in the last twenty minutes. The librarian gave her a strange look, but said nothing and went back to her paperwork. She went back to pacing aisle after aisle. Romance, mystery, horror/thriller, nonfiction. Back over to the children’s section, then an empty table. But even sitting down, she couldn’t be completely still. That urge to stay in motion consumed her, and it was difficult to remain in one place for more than a few seconds at a time. Thankfully, Robin and Steve arrived before she could be lost in torment for much longer.

“Hey there! Oh jeez, what a day.” Steve sighed. “Robin here was ready to leave the store a mess, but I told her we had to clean up at least a little for night shift.”

“Why did I have to do the bathrooms?” Robin complained. “Anyway, sorry it took so long. We’re here now!”

“I…figured you might be hungry, so here.” He set out a granola bar, making direct eye contact. 

Panic sunk into Nancy’s bones like a chill from the outside had snuck its way through the massive crack in the ground not too far away. She couldn’t find it in herself to explain. The words had been strangled away from her long ago and put in a language that she couldn’t speak. Perhaps someday she could understand to at least get some kind of hint unlocked from her head. She wished she could be like Robin, who spilled words out a mile a minute without a single thought to them. Even if she sometimes said the wrong thing, it seemed opening up at least to some degree wasn’t like pulling teeth.

“Maybe something a little more substantial than just a granola bar,” Robin suggested. “Then we can all get to work on finding Eddie.”

Steve nodded and left the library, which left Nancy and Robin alone. She opened the granola bar and nibbled at the corners of it. She could sense Robin was fighting the urge to say something, a real feat for her.

“Nancy, I’m…really worried about you,” Robin began awkwardly. “You aren’t eating, you’re definitely not sleeping. Every time I see you, you seem more faded, like you’re disappearing. I want to help you, but I don’t know if you want anyone’s help. Seems like you are very content to vanish entirely without anyone else’s input on the matter, and I don’t understand why.”

“Why does it matter to you so much?”

“Because you’re my friend , Nancy, and friends care about each other. Don’t they?”

“I’m not friend material to anybody,” Nancy said. This was a fact she had long since accepted, ever since discovering Barb’s body through another dimension.

What nobody knew about was her secret excursion some weeks ago into the Upside Down to find Barb’s decomposed body. It was likely nothing more than bones and slugs by now, but by god she was determined to see it one last time. All that remained of her long gone friend was a hair clip Nancy had given her when they started high school together. She’d been wearing it. She took it home and cleaned it of grime, blood, and general infection before putting it in her hair. She had rarely taken it out since then.

“Stop saying that, it’s not true,” Robin huffed. “Can you please…just…” She took Nancy’s hand. “You’re scaring me. Let me help you, please.”

“Why?” Nancy whispered. “What’s the point?”

“Oh fuck it.” Robin lunged in and kissed her.

For a split second in time, the world launched into technicolor. Nancy leaned into the kiss. She’d never felt anything like this before. And for a moment, she almost believed this was something she could seize for herself. But at the end of the day, she knew that she couldn’t. The voice came back after being quiet for some time, reminding her of the truth.

You know you can’t accept this. No one will accept this. It’s time, Nancy. Time to fall. Jump.

“W-Wait–” Robin gasped as Nancy wrenched away from her and bolted. “Nancy!”

It wasn’t that far. All she had to do was throw herself in. She heard another voice calling out. Steve’s. It was now or never. She shut her eyes and jumped down…or was it up? 

A hand.

She kicked her legs. But she didn’t let go of Robin’s hand.

“Nancy!!!! Just hold on, Steve’s gonna…get some rope…” Robin gasped and coughed. “W-why did you jump? Why?!? I just wanna help you!!!”

“I got it!” Steve yelled, tossing the rope down.

Nancy grabbed onto it. Claws dug in through her jeans into her skin. Every time she tried to climb out, it pulled her down. She screamed and kicked at it. No more. Please no more. If she let this pull her down any further, she was probably never gonna get back up again. Why, oh why, why did she keep listening to it? Something about it was easier than this, the difficult climb back into light.

“Come on! Are you really gonna let that ugly motherfucker win?!?” Robin cried out. “Remember who you really are, Nancy! That badass girl who shot Vecna in the face!”

Up. Up. Up. Inch by inch. Steve yanked her out. They all laid together, gasping for air.

“You okay?” Robin whispered, checking her for injuries. “Your leg is bleeding.” She was surprisingly quick with the first aid kit, pulling up Nancy’s pant leg and then bandaging it up like it was nothing.

They had all barely caught their breaths when the rope jerked. Nancy tensed, thinking whatever had grabbed her was after her again. But the rope jerked again and again until a familiar pair of ringed hands could be seen gripping the edge of the gate.

“Hey, is someone gonna fucking help me or what?” Eddie called out.

Chapter 9: Research Into Brokenness

The silence between the three was so profound, Nancy could hear the faint sound of the cheap air conditioning in the library. She looked at Robin and struggled to find words. Eddie’s face was covered in blood. What the hell was going on here?

“Hello?” Eddie yelled, struggling to keep hold of the edge. 

Finally, Nancy sprung into action, coming back into herself after the initial shock had worn off. She pulled and pulled, bringing him back into their world. She laid there, gasping and coughing next to Eddie. She was about to ask what happened when he got to his feet and walked away from her. She was no longer his focus, even though she was the one who had helped him. She was less offended and more confused. She watched as he helped Steve to his feet. She came to the quiet conclusion that if she observed long enough, her questions could be answered.

“Where have you been? We’ve been trying to find you before the cops do!” Steve spluttered. “You were in the Upside Down this whole time?”

“Well, I figured nobody would think to look for me there,” Eddie replied sheepishly. “Seems like I was right, and I discovered something.”

“Yeah,” Robin said. “Why are you covered in blood? Especially your face.”

Nancy perked up at this. The blood was around his lips and chin, as if he had eaten raw meat. But it was definitely blood, fresh. Maybe a couple hours old and still on his pale, haggard face. Speaking of pale, he did not look half dead anymore, but almost as alive as she remembered him before. Before it all went to hell with the Upside Down and the bats and Dustin’s endless guilt for not being able to save one of his closest role models, next to Steve that is.

“Funny story, that,” Eddie said. “Promise not to freak out?” He started wiping his face off. “Those bats, they did something to me in that shithole. I didn’t even realize it at first, but when I made my first kill, and had my first taste of blood…well. I felt so good . I didn’t want to, though, believe me. I wanna be a decent person. But now I’m a monster.”

“You’re not a monster,” Nancy spoke up. “Not…any more than I am.”

“Nobody is calling Wheeler a monster,” Eddie replied in amusement. I am.   

“So, wow, you’re like a vampire or something,” Robin concluded. “Well, that’s certainly a new development that doesn’t help with your whole case of trying to prove that you aren’t a murderer. Since, technically, you are a murderer right now.” Before any of them could cut in, Robin had already started up her rambling again. “So how are we supposed to prove your innocence if you aren’t so innocent after all, Eddie? I mean, not that this is your fault or anything, but this doesn’t help at all!!”

“Robs,” Nancy said, putting a hand on her arm. The girl looked ready to launch into further panic, so she tried again. “Robin, it’s gonna be okay.”

Robin nodded and sucked in a breath to steady herself. With that taken care of, Nancy faced the group. It was up to her yet again to come up with some kind of plan. It seemed like that was her thing. Well, at least it was a distraction from what had happened less than twenty minutes ago. She pushed it all out of her mind and started pacing around as she struggled to organize her too scattered thoughts. 

“Sooo,” Steve cut in. “Are we gonna talk about–”

“If Vecna acts again, we can prove that Eddie is innocent,” Nancy interrupted, giving Steve a sharp look of warning. Eddie looked between them, baffled.

“Is…everything okay?”

“Perfectly fine,” Nancy said sharply.

“So are you saying we need to force him to kill someone? Or what?” Robin’s voice was nervous. “‘Cause I’m not comfortable with being responsible for murder.”

“Okay, nobody is saying that!” Steve spluttered. “Right, Nancy? Please tell me that isn’t your plan.”

This is what everyone really thinks of you: a cold blooded killer. You should have just let yourself fall like I asked.

“No, no I…no!” She could hardly get the words out. 

There it was again, the walls closing in and no escape from it. Surely this time the feeling would kill her. Everything spun faster and faster around her as she tried to grab hold of something solid and come back to reality. There were only pieces of things she was able to land on: Robin’s hands on her shoulders, the ringing sound in her ears, her body sinking into the darkness, and a pair of eyes burning holes right into her soul. 

And then she was back in the pool again, trying to escape as it filled with blood. Past her ankles. It felt like moving through molasses rather than the blood that was permanently stained on her hands. But Barb’s body blocked the way out. When she tried to climb up past her, she lunged and grabbed Nancy, pushing her under the surface of the thickening blood that continued to pour into the pool, never stopping. She opened her eyes, gasping. She was back at the cemetery. More blood. It rained down on her and stained her clothes. She felt like she was going to choke on it. Nancy spun around, and Barb shoved her into the open grave that had appeared behind her. Maybe she’d never stop falling and she’d be lost in this darkness forever.

And then she heard a familiar voice cutting through the darkness.

I’ve been lonely
I’ve been waiting for you
I’ve been pretending and that’s all I can do

“Come back, please!!!”

Robin?

The love I’m sending
Ain’t making it through to your heart

You’ve been hiding, never letting it show
Always trying to keep it under control

You got it down and you weathered your way to the top
But there’s somethin’ that you forgot

Nancy felt her feet hit solid ground as she ran for the light.

What about love?
Don’t you want someone to care about you?
And what about love?
Don’t let it slip away
What about love?
I only want to share it with you
You might need it someday

“Nancy!!!!”

She collapsed into Robin’s arms and looked into her face, breathing heavily. Forget the gate. Forget Steve. Forget Eddie. Forget the shadows trying to pull her down. Robin was here. Robin was here and so was she. This was real. They were real. She was so tired of being afraid. Maybe she’d never stop being afraid, but at least she had this moment with a girl who hadn’t given up on her, even when it seemed impossible. She didn’t realize how long she had been looking at her before Eddie cleared his throat.

“Hey so, we should probably get out of here before the place closes,” he spoke up. “Come on, Wheeler.” He yanked the girl to her feet. She let out a squeak of surprise and useless protest.

“Jeeeeesus, have you been eating at all?” Eddie said in surprise before walking off with Steve.

“Come on,” Robin murmured. She led Nancy out of the library. “It’s getting a lot worse, and I don’t want something to happen to you.” 

She put the headphones on Nancy, and Heart’s “What About Love?” filled her ears at once. She’d rather listen to Robin, but this was a good substitute for the time being to keep the shadows from pulling her out of reality again.  

Outside, Nancy pulled on her mask. It seemed that, for once, she was the only one with protection on. She said nothing, though, having gone without so many times in the last week. 

“Tomorrow, we all search for clues to prove Eddie’s innocence,” Steve announced. “Engaging Vecna is too dangerous right now, as what just happened to Nancy proved.”

“Actually…I was gonna go to Will tomorrow,” Nancy confessed softly. “See if he’s sensed any activity like I have. He was the first to experience…any of this.”

“Good idea,” Robin spoke up with a bright smile. “I’ll go with you.” 

Again, Nancy caught Eddie’s eyes on her, followed by Robin. She wasn’t sure she was ready for anyone to know. The kiss, which had happened a shocking hour ago, felt like nothing more than a dream, but if she concentrated, she could still feel Robin’s lips crashing into hers with abandon. All the frightening things happening to her, that she could believe. She deserved exactly what she was being put through, no matter what anyone else said. But someone loving her again? And that someone being Robin Buckley? That, surely, was as impossible as bringing Barb that night in the pool.

The walk back to her car was quiet. The sun had presumably set by now. But seeing any form of the sky at this point was another dream not meant to happen right now. Nancy was prepared for a silent drive home as she started the engine of her car and took off her headphones when Robin broke the spell at last.

“I like you, Nance,” Robin blurted. Nancy jumped and looked to her immediate right. The car suddenly felt too crowded. “I’ve liked you for awhile, but it really took this past week for me to see just how much.”

“Robin…” She was tempted to kill the engine and run the whole way home, but she couldn’t abandon the girl here. She couldn’t fall into that pattern again. So instead, she pulled off her mask, sucked in a breath, and started driving.

“You don’t have to say anything. The kiss, I mean, it doesn’t have to mean anything either. But I thought you deserved to know how much I care about you.”

“Right,” Nancy murmured, her insides knotting at the prospect of putting the first kiss she’d had in a month behind her.

“I know you don’t feel the same way.” Then you don’t know me at— “But hey, that’s okay, it’s not like that hasn’t happened to me before, you know? You’re Nancy Wheeler, straight as an arrow. I don’t think you’ve even had a crush on a girl. Like ever. Never heard you say anything about it. Then you got with Steve, which is just about as predictable as you could get, but that didn’t suit you, clearly, because you eventually broke up. Then you got with Jonathan and he seemed like the one. But suddenly you dumped him, and now, you’re single, super single, but I’m sure another guy will come along for you, right?”

Robin’s voice cut into her own thoughts, prevented Nancy from getting a clear picture of what she felt and thought. Maybe once upon a time this would’ve irritated her, like in the library when she just wanted to complete a mission and Robin wouldn’t shut up. Now, though, she knew better, and she knew she had to stop that runaway train before Robin accidentally said something she’d later or perhaps immediately regret. So, before another mountain of words could spill out of the girl’s mouth, she finally spoke.

“I don’t know…what I am,” she confessed softly, pulling into her driveway. “You seem to think you have me figured out, Robin, when I haven’t figured myself out.”

“Right…right…sorry,” Robin murmured. She shifted and undid her seatbelt. “I’m sorry, you’re right.”

She walked inside and was immediately greeted by what remained of her family: her father, her brother, and her sister. And for a reason only she and Mike would ever understand, Will, right next to Mike. They had appeared to have been waiting for her at the dinner table. She looked to Robin. Had they been wondering where she was this whole time? She hadn’t prepared herself for this, but that didn’t stop her from proceeding like everything was normal and not like she was under a microscope at all.

“Finally!” Mike groaned. “We’ve been waiting for you to get home.”

“Where have you been?” Ted demanded. “You’ve been gone all day, and you know how much needs to get done around here, Nancy.”

Guilt pulled her down. Her eyes locked on the plate meant for her and she wanted to smack it across the room. It wasn’t like her to be angry for no reason. Ever since her explosion at the cabin, she had been more careful than ever to only let her emotions out in pieces, not the whole tangled mess that never ended.

“You should eat,” Robin whispered, nudging Nancy towards the table. Nancy shook her head and got a glass of water in the kitchen.

“Come on and eat with us,” Holly called. “Dad can actually cook. I swear.”

When was the last time we had actually eaten like a family? She wanted to snap. Did they deserve it? No. So she locked her mouth shut and continued sipping at the ice water in her hand before finally sitting down. Robin seemed to think she had a problem, now was the time to prove that she didn’t. If only it could be that simple. She left her own body just enough that she didn’t have to fully experience this. Did she clear her plate? Of course not. But nobody seemed worried, either, so that was good enough.

Once the table was clear, with Will kindly offering to do the dishes, Nancy disappeared into the bathroom. How was she going to get rid of this? She leaned into the counter, her stomach pressing into it painfully. She wrenched open the medicine cabinet, her eyes frantically scanning the bottles. Laxatives would take hours. She needed something that would work immediately. She eyed the toilet about twenty feet away. Footsteps came up the stairs. She only had seconds to act. The door swung open before she had the chance to commit to anything. And of course it was Robin standing there in the doorway.

“What are you doing, Nancy?”

She looked up in a panic. Blue on blue, meeting for a split point in time. She found herself without words entirely. She had no idea how to explain herself, but she was certain Robin had already put the pieces together without her input. Was there any way to defend herself without digging an even deeper hole?

“I, well,” Nancy stuttered. 

She was saved from a proper response when Robin pulled her out of the bathroom and slammed the door shut. She tensed and waited for a lecture, but none came. In fact, Robin didn’t say a word until they were in her room and on her bed, the Heart vinyl already playing to keep Vecna at bay. Before she spoke, though, she took out several books. Nancy skimmed the titles. Depression. Anxiety. Eating disorders. PTSD. Grief.

“Robin, I…” The taller girl put a finger to Nancy’s lips. She melted a little and said nothing, waiting.

“I went to the library after work yesterday,” Robin began softly. “I had a long conversation with the librarian. I didn’t mention your name, of course, or anything that could identify you at all. I just wanted to understand. So she directed me to these books. And I stayed up all night reading them just to wrap my head around what you’ve been dealing with the last few years, and…Nancy…you can’t do this alone. You shouldn’t.”

“Robin,” she protested again, but she kept going, and it terrified Nancy how easily she was able to tear her walls down.

“I know, I know, you don’t want people to worry about you,” Robin said. “You don’t think anyone should care about you and leave you to suffer because you deserve it. Right? Well, you’re wrong. Vecna’s gotten into your head, and so has your survivor's guilt that you’ve used as a crutch all these years. What if I told you there was another way to live? That this choice means you won’t die on me?”

“I’m not…going to die,” Nancy mumbled into Robin’s jacket. She shuddered and burrowed herself into the jacket for warmth.

“You’re always cold, tired, and grouchy from not eating. I’m surprised you haven’t passed out at all from how little is actually going into your system. Or maybe you have, and just haven’t told anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised by that. You know I had to convince Dustin something was wrong because you’ve pushed everyone away so much? Dustin. That kid is the nosiest little shit that I’ve ever seen!”

Again, Nancy tried to get a single word in, but it was useless. She still wasn’t done. It was clear Robin had been holding all of this in for awhile. She supposed she didn’t blame her.

“I know…I can’t fix you,” Robin murmured, lifting her chin. “I just want to stop you from falling too far, Nance. I’m scared and I want to help, like I’ve been saying this whole time. What’s it going to take for you to let me catch you?”

“Kiss me,” Nancy begged, pulling on Robin’s jacket like it was the only thing holding her upright. She’d gotten one taste and she already wanted more.

Robin pinned her to the bed as she kissed her. Nancy felt Robin’s hair tickle at her neck, but that was only a background feeling compared to how breathless she currently was. She had barely sucked in some air when Robin kissed her again with even more purpose. Hands on her aching wrists. She squirmed up into her, then pulled Robin on top of her directly. She guided Robin’s hands to her hips as she continued kissing her, finding a rhythm that felt nice. She felt her tongue shove its way past her lips and she allowed it. She’d allow so much more, so long as that door stayed closed and the outside world remained unaware this moment existed. This was just for them. Everything spun around her in slow motion. She didn’t want this to end.

“You winced,” Robin observed breathlessly when she pulled away for a break.

“What?” Nancy gasped, dizzy and in awe.

“Your wrists, have you…did you…?” 

“I guess so. I don’t remember. Last night, maybe?” There was time after dinner that was unaccounted for.

“You don’t remember?” Robin frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve…” She shifted and looked at Robin more directly. “Lost time, I guess. Up to a couple hours at a time.”

“Can you tell when it’s going to happen?” She pushed up Nancy’s sleeves to get a look at her injuries. No judgment. It felt…safe because of that. Safe to talk, safe to just be , around Robin.

“No,” she whispered, watching as Robin let her sleeves fall back over her wrists again. “But…maybe it’ll stop.”

“Just like the Vecna attacks will stop?” Robin raised an eyebrow. “Why are you always so convinced you can solve every problem on your own?”

“Because that’s what I’ve always had to do.”

“...Oh.” Robin blinked, understanding crossing her face. “Oh I see.”

“Yeah.” Nancy felt her heart rate finally coming back down to something that resembled normal. “I mean, you heard my mother. Being the head of the household is just expected of me.” 

“We both need to get out of this town,” Robin said as she got up to turn the vinyl over to Side B.  

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.”

“Didn’t you get accepted into Emerson, Nance?”

“Yeah, but…” Nancy pushed her hair from her face and sat up. She rocked herself up so she was sitting on her knees. The movement was entirely natural to her, but it got a strange look from Robin that she didn’t understand.

“How in the hell did you do that?”

“What?” 

“You just…” Robin gestured.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, my goodness, never mind.” Robin picked up one of the books that had fallen off the bed during their make out session.

“So,” Nancy murmured, eyeing the books again. “You really think…that…all that applies to me, then.”

“I don’t just think they do, I know,” Robin said. “This past week, it’s just gotten even more obvious.” Nancy knew she had more to say, so she waited. “I don’t expect to be able to really solve any of this, but keeping you out of the hospital seems like a reasonable enough goal until all of this shit is over and we can get you some real help. Don’t you agree?”

Oh, she wanted to. She knew what Robin wanted to hear, though. She was good at telling people what they wanted to hear by now, but it seemed Robin didn’t fall for it when it came from her. Perhaps all those times she seemed to believe her when she was fine, she was simply letting things lie until they no longer could. Unexpectedly clever of her. Not that she wasn’t smart, but she was very much the “brute force this thing until I figure it out” type person for the most part. Still, a quiet intelligence lurked underneath the boldness she often displayed.

“Nancy?” Robin prompted softly when the silence had stretched long enough for the song to change again. 

“Sorry,” she whispered, tearing her eyes away from the floor to look at Robin again. The books were now stacked on her desk, dangerously close to Barb’s shrine. She wanted to yell at Robin to get her things away from Barb, but she refrained.

“It’s okay. I should’ve expected you not…to quite be in the head space to really want to get better yet. But I can want it for the both of us.”

“Yeah, I appreciate it Robs. You’ve been amazing.” Somehow, amazing was woefully inadequate for how dedicated Robin had been to her lately.

“You deserve all the care that you’ve been missing out on, and more,” Robin said. Nancy just looked at her, uncertain how to respond to that. It seemed she didn’t require a response, though, for all she did from there was take her hand and kiss it.

“Never took you for a romantic,” Nancy murmured, her face warming up.

“It seems you need to get to know me a little bit better, huh?” Robin smiled at her.

Nancy wondered if the butterflies ever ended at some point, or if this was something she’d just have to get used to, like every other aspect of being with Robin. Regardless, she couldn’t get enough of the gentle and sweet touches. It was far different than being treated like she was going to break at any second. No, this was being handled like she was precious cargo that deserved to arrive in one piece, cargo that could stand on its own, but needed heavy support. Just in case, really. Just in case of another calamity sending it tumbling down into pieces. She was finally wrapping her head around the fact that Robin wasn’t going anywhere, no matter what.

The record was turned back to Side A again.

“I totally forgot,” Nancy groaned after a moment. “I was going to talk to Will…about…” The thought was completely lost to the wind.

“It can wait. You wanna get a shower? I was going to find some tapes to put in your ears tonight. I can stay up on watch for awhile. And if something happens while I’m asleep, I’ll be up right away to help you.”

“Alright…”

Under the hot water, Nancy had a chance to look at the damage. She was a small girl to begin with, so an amount of weight loss would be noticeable, even if it was less than ten pounds. She hadn’t checked her weight since she had slowly slipped off the map. The number was far less important than how she felt, but now that she could feel her collarbone, she was intensely curious. Once she was finished, she wrapped herself in a thick towel and scanned the room for a scale. There was one, thankfully. Her mother had insisted they all go on a diet with her on a few occasions. It didn’t last more than one summer, the summer Nancy was eleven, but the scales had remained. Her heart hammered around in her chest as she stepped onto it, wondering if it still worked after years of neglect. The needle jerked and bounced a little, as if it wasn’t sure where she landed at first. When it remained below 100, she stepped off the scale, biting her lip. Her mind recalled an annual checkup, 1985.

“Alright Miss Wheeler…you can get off the scale now.”

“So, how much summer weight have I put on?” Nancy joked.

“Not much, if I’m going to be honest. You only put on a few pounds since last year, which puts you at…do you mind if I tell you?”

“No, no, it’s alright.”

“108 pounds, which is just about average for you, but you do seem quite small still. I’m going to take your height into account here, which puts your BMI at…”

The memory faded out, and she leaned into the counter behind her as she tried to remember the first time her meal skipping had become less accidental and more intentional. Somewhere in early in the year. Not long before the murders started, a week or two beforehand. The thought of breakfast had disgusted her, and so she made some excuse to her mother before rushing out the door to school. Later, though, she’d felt guilty, and had a big lunch. It had only made her feel worse about herself. It happened again a couple days later. She claimed she’d had a headache, then went to bed without dinner. However, once Vecna’s attacks had started, all of those thoughts got pushed to the back of her mind for the time being. Once the visions of Barb and her family were shown to her, though, they came back with a vengeance. And now they refused to leave. She’d made herself at home in her grief and guilt. Why would she ever want to leave? It was comfortable to embrace the pain and wear it like an armor, as if it would protect her from enduring more. It hadn’t worked so far, though, and only made things worse. If only she could stop. Robin kept trying to help and insisted she needed it. What she needed was to accept it: shrink herself until she was beyond recognition. She blinked and shook her head, as if that would make her thoughts any less conflicted. When she started to get cold from being undressed and exposed to the air, she left the bathroom to get dressed for bed. Time to face the nightmares once again. At least she wouldn’t be doing so alone. That put the tiniest cushion on the spiral that continued to happen.

As she curled up in her bed, Robin whispered reassurances to her that became her lullaby for the night. She tried to fight sleep, as if it were a physical thing she could take her anger and grief out on, but it grabbed her by the throat and tied her up, locking her in dream after dream that she couldn’t wake herself from this time. Vecna was pissed he couldn’t get her while she was awake, so he would ensure she stayed asleep and endured some form of suffering. The eyes that had appeared to her a couple times were becoming more clear, and she could almost see his face now. She wasn’t sure what it meant, other than that they were running out of time.

By the time it was morning, she still felt exhausted, but she hadn’t woken up screaming. She wasn’t sure what she had went through was much better, though. Robin was dead asleep, snoring softly. She swung her legs over the side of the bed, leaving her to sleep. There was too much to do to remain idle for long. Another day. She turned and looked at Robin for a moment, gazing at her sleeping form. She decided to give the girl credit for her “better” sleep last night. She deserved it. Some form of relief on her end. It may be false, but it was all she could provide right now until things truly got better.

Chapter 10: Disorderly Order

Nancy strolled into the kitchen for a glass of water. Will and Mike jumped apart the moment she entered the room. She didn’t expect either of them to be up this early, or tangled together in the doorway of the pantry. She could spot the hint of a blush in both of their faces. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on.

“G-good morning, Nancy,” Mike squeaked out. “What…what are you doing up so early?”

“I’m always up early,” Nancy replied in amusement. “Listen, I’m not gonna say anything about you guys if you don’t want me to. I just want you to be happy, Mike.”

“I am,” Mike said. “We…we are. We’re happy.” 

“Good, that’s all I want.” 

“We were gonna make waffles,” Will spoke up. “Do you want one?”

She sipped more water, praying it would fill her somewhat.

“Sure, why not. Pancake mix is in the pantry. Just try not to break too many eggs. I probably need to go to the store today now that I think about it.”

By the time Robin was up, waffle making had become a chaotic affair of Mike and Will fighting over the whisk with Nancy taking it from both of them. Holly was getting a real kick out of the whole affair. Meanwhile, in the background, Ted was getting ready for church. Nancy had never known their family to be a church going family other than on the obligated Christmas and Easter services. She allowed Mike to give her the first waffle and protested at the amount of syrup he was putting on it, but begrudged him for the moment and took one bite, then another. Hunger took over and she consumed most of it in a matter of minutes. Regret settled in moments later. She pushed the plate away from her as disgust bubbled up like boiling water.

“Morning Nance,” Robin yawned. Nancy was already leaving the room. “Wait, where are you going?”

“Grocery store!” She grabbed the list from the dining room table and her keys.

She thought she could find the strength to fight against whatever demons had been in her breakfast. Nancy made it as far as the bushes before she leaned over them. When she was done, she made her way to the car and decided to get herself some kind of drink to get rid of the taste that remained. On her way to the grocery store, she got a Diet Coke and managed to down almost the entire can by the time she made it to her actual destination. It wasn’t until she was halfway through her grocery list that she realized in her haste to get out, she had forgotten her Walkman that had her Heart tape in it. Hopefully Vecna was too busy to be worried about her right now. Oh, if only she had such luck. The headache started as she went into the dairy aisle to get the last thing she needed: milk. She grabbed the carton and put it into the cart. Blood dripped onto the pristine flooring and her vision blurred. She had to get out of here, and fast. She quickly wiped the blood from her nose. Thankfully this one had only lasted a split second, sparing her at least some embarrassment today. A voice behind her caused her to turn around.

“Nancy! Hey!” She faced Claudia Henderson. She couldn’t remember the last time they had talked, really.

“Oh!” The sickly sweet smile Nancy put on for adults found its way onto her face as if it always belonged there. “How are you, Miss Henderson?”

“I’m well, how are you?” Her eyes softened with concern and she put a hand on Nancy’s shoulder. “I heard that Karen’s in the hospital. Ted called me the other day about it. I can’t imagine how hard that must be on you and your siblings.”

“Mike and Holly seem to be doing okay,” Nancy said. She hoped the kind woman would forget about her question. “They’re tough, you know?” She started pushing her cart to a checkout lane. Claudia followed. She didn’t appear to have gotten anything yet.

“Oh, I’m sure!” Claudia laughed a bit as she remained a few feet away from Nancy. “But you and your mother used to be so close, didn’t you?”

“When I was a kid, maybe.” She may as well have been talking about someone else.

Guilt was such a familiar emotion, but it was still one she was not used to, no matter how much it poured itself mercilessly into her very being. It seemed the whole entire world wanted her to carry every burden she possibly could and then some. She was afraid that this might be the thing that killed her above all else. But Claudia was talking again. She couldn’t afford to drown right now. Acting like a functional human was essential, at least until she made it back to the safety of Robin’s arms.

“Well, hopefully this tragedy can bring you closer. But, pray tell, what exactly happened? Ted wasn’t willing to give details, and that man doesn’t talk about his feelings to save his life, but I’m sure you know this by now, being his daughter and all.”

Nancy started loading her groceries onto the conveyor belt once it was her turn to check out. She made a mental tally of how much cash she had on hand. $56.45 if she remembered correctly. She paid for everything and insisted she could get everything to the car herself. Claudia…still hadn’t bought anything. Had she come all this way just to talk to her?

“Weren’t you gonna buy anything?” She questioned, looking at Claudia suspiciously. When her eyes shifted to ones that were evil and cloudy, she made a run for her car, shoving the cart towards it.

No, no, no, no!

One bag in the trunk, then another, then a third and a fourth, and holy shit how many groceries did she get ? Vecna was coming for her now, and she had to get out of here. Nancy scrambled to close the trunk and get behind the wheel. She had no care for her speed or caution on the road as she made the trip home. 

Blink. She had the groceries inside. Blink. One unloaded. Blink. Three of them. Blink. All of them. She gasped when she felt Robin’s hands on her shoulders. She trembled and sank into her touch.

“It happened again, didn’t it.” She put the headphones on Nancy and hit play. “I figured it would when you forgot this. You okay?”

“I am now,” Nancy murmured. As okay as she could be right now.

“Okay, okay good.” Robin sighed in relief as she tucked the Walkman into Nancy’s front pocket. “Glad you’re in one piece for the most part. So, you mentioned wanting to talk to Will.”

“I did?” Nancy tilted her head.

“Yeah, yesterday. Twice.” Robin’s frown deepened. “You don’t remember any of that?”

“I…don’t know. What did I say?”

“About Vecna,” she reminded her gently.

The whole conversation came rushing back like a wave on the beach.

“Oh! Holy shit. Sorry. Yeah, now I remember. I should go find him.”

“Find who?” Will asked. He was eating another waffle. Those damn teenagers and their bottomless pits for stomachs. She tried not to think about how breakfast had gone for her, even though that had been barely a couple hours ago.

“You, actually.” Nancy poked him in the arm. “Have you felt anything?”

“Oh yeah, all the time, I was just wondering when someone besides Mike would ask me.” On the surface, the comment was innocent, but there was a biting tone to it that wasn’t lost on Nancy. 

Can’t you do anything right?  

Apparently not. 

“Where is everyone else?” Robin asked. “They all need to know this.”

“Lucas is helping Max with physical therapy, and Dustin is with Steve and Eddie.” Will shrugged. “All I have right now is Mike.” There seemed to be an unspoken thought that said that was all he needed anyway.

“Well,” Mike spoke up, appearing from the stairs. Nancy had never seen him wear yellow before. She wondered if wearing a sign that said I’M WITH WILL would be less obvious.  “You said he’s reaching into Hawkins more and more, right Will?”

“Y-yeah, we should…be careful though.” Will shifted, shivering.

“Will’s right,” Nancy murmured. “We can’t be sure…when he’s listening…or when he’s occupied…”

“Well he isn’t after me,” Mike said stubbornly. “So let me tell you what I know.”

“Alright smartass,” Robin spoke up. “Shoot, then. We don’t have all day.”

“Well you remember that a part of the Mind Flayer got Will,” Mike began as he took out an old drawing of the shadow monster Will had made a few years ago. “But even though we freed him, he’s not really free .”

“Hey,” Nancy said. “Is there some kind of point here?” Mike pouted, but kept talking.

“Anyway, he can feel Vecna and stuff now that we are back in Hawkins. He’s getting stronger…all the time…and pretty soon he’s coming for us. Everyone. Is that right, Will?”

“I was able to feel him a little bit, when Chrissy died,” Will mumbled to the carpet. “But he knows when I am spying back , so I didn’t feel anything else till we got back to Hawkins.”

“Now that we’ve reestablished the obvious,” Robin said. “What about the present? What’s he up to now?”

“From what I could get out of Will’s nightmares, he’s slowly coming back,” Mike murmured. “He hasn’t been able to say much.”

Will’s having nightmares? Oh, this was bad. Nancy knew precisely how bad, but this wasn’t about her right now.

Never is. The voice pierced its way in like an ice pick again. She could no longer tell if it was him or her anymore, or some fucked up mix of both. She was finding it harder than usual to ignore it today. Perhaps because everything that had happened to her today was proving the thoughts that were consuming her as justified. Her hand tapped against her leg in a slow pattern, then gradually more frantic. Robin’s hand gripped hers to make her stop.

“Anything we can do about it right now?” Robin asked. Nancy silently appreciated that Robin didn’t draw any attention to her state of mind, and just treated her like normal.

“I don’t know. Maybe we have to wait till he comes out of hiding before we can make our next move.”

Mike’s walkie crackled on.

“Mike? Mike do you copy?” Dustin’s voice came through a bit garbled. “This is Dustin. Mike?”

“Yeah this is Mike, I copy.”

“They arrested Eddie,” Dustin said. “Hopper is trying to work something out, but it’s complicated. Can any of you make it down here?” 

Nancy grabbed the walkie without thinking. 

“Yeah, we can. Can you guys stall them?”

“Nance, what the heck is your plan?” Robin asked. But Nancy was out the door before she even fully heard the question.

She didn’t have to look behind her to know Robin had followed her. Nancy turned around and faced her, fiddling with the keys in her hand. Being still for one moment was just a second too long in her mind. 

“Can we just talk about this?” 

“What’s there to talk about?” Nancy wrenched the driver’s side door open. “You coming with me or not?”

“Only because you suck at looking after yourself,” Robin jibed playfully before getting into the vehicle.

The Hawkins police station was bustling, much to Nancy’s surprise. She slipped her headphones off, leaving her favorite song blaring around her neck as she walked inside without hesitation. There was a whole mob clamoring for Eddie to be given the justice he deserved. Something about murderers being let off scot free. It was hard to decipher all the yelling and chanting. The mob was unorganized but determined. Powell and Callahan were at a loss outside trying to get things under control. Hopper was in the middle of chatting with Joyce and another officer when she approached the pair.

“What’s going on out there?” Nancy asked.

“What are you doing here?” Joyce said in surprise. “I thought you’d be glued to your mother’s side right now.”

An awful daughter, are we?

“I…well…”

“The hospital’s depressing,” Robin cut in. “So, what’s the situation?”

“Well as you just saw out there, we’ve got a mob going crazy and begging for Eddie’s head. A guy we all know to be innocent but no substantial proof of it.” 

Hopper lit a cigarette and sighed, taking a long drag that made Nancy cough. Her chest burned. She coughed again, and again. Oh no. It had been some time since she’d had an attack, and she wasn’t about to break down into a full on coughing fit in front of everyone because she couldn’t handle a little smoke.

“Put that out,” Joyce said to Hopper sharply. “You know that Nancy isn’t well.”

“Shit,” he mumbled, extinguishing the cigarette at once. “Sorry about that.”

“Nance?” Robin murmured, her fingers brushing Nancy’s hand ever so slightly. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Nancy said after a moment. She could feel Joyce’s eyes on her, but she didn’t acknowledge her yet. 

“Anyway…” Hopper set the cigarette into an ashtray. “I’m in a bit of a tough position when it comes to Eddie right now. If I could let him out at the push of a button, I would.”

“If Vecna attacked again, that could prove Eddie’s innocence,” Robin mused. “Right?”

“Why would we want him to do that?” Nancy said in disbelief.

“I don’t! I’m just saying. There’s no way he’s gonna just stop. So. All we’d have to do is…wait. It probably won’t take long at the rate things are going.”

“And how many people would be hurt or killed while we just sit here?” Joyce sighed. “There has to be a way out of this. Can’t we give Owens a call? Has anyone even heard from him?”

“Nope.” Hopper shrugged. “I have no idea how I would contact him at this point.”

“I heard military assistance is coming in,” Joyce recalled. “Perhaps he will use that opportunity to come by to help in whatever way he can.”

“The military isn’t here to help,” Nancy said. “They’re here for Eleven.”

Hopper got up from his chair so fast that it fell over. He grabbed his gun. Joyce followed without a word. Their practically mental communication was a bit fascinating to Nancy. She didn’t have to ask to know where he was going. Clearly they all needed a place to hide if it was going to turn out they were all guilty of harboring a fugitive. She looked at Robin. She hadn’t thought about what her plan was for the rest of the day after this. It seemed there was nothing more for them here, though. The keys were in her hand before she had become fully conscious of reaching for them. She heard Robin say something to her, but she didn’t understand the words.

Driving again. Her head felt like it was underwater. When she pulled up to her house, repairs were underway. Dustin and Jonathan were busy measuring and cutting wood while Mike gave instructions that had been passed down from Ted, who was supervising the whole project, but not contributing other than providing wood and nails and paint from the hardware store. She got out of the car and blinked rapidly in the cloudy, particle-contaminated air. Oh how she missed the sun and warmth of the edge of summer. Now it was just nuclear winter, all the time.

“Hey,” Nancy said. Her voice sounded surprisingly normal. “Did Will go home?”

“Yeah, he was…pretty shaken up after our conversation earlier,” Mike sighed. “So how did it go?”

“Kind of a bust,” Robin said. “It’s a madhouse over at the station, and Hopper can’t do anything without pissing off those people even more. He and Miss Byers think our best shot is to just wait for that scientist guy Owens.”

Nancy walked inside ahead of Robin. The voice had been poking at her all day and she couldn’t tolerate it any more. She heard a call for her. But it came from too far away. All she could sense was her heart pounding in her ears and her own ragged breathing. Another wave of panic was coming in and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She shakily locked the bathroom door behind her and located the blade she kept hidden in an old toothbrush case that she didn’t use. She let the glint of silver fall into her outstretched palm, fascinated by the sharp edge.

Nancy cut. Her eyes widened as the sharp sting and line of red that she caused. Straight, deliberate, controlled. Everything else faded out and this was the only thing in focus now.

She cut again. Her breathing evened out. Her hands stopped shaking. Good, that meant she wouldn’t hit something she wasn’t supposed to. Her goal wasn’t to die. This would help her live.

She cut again.

She cut again.

Again.

She had started towards her elbow and had worked her way up several inches with every single notch she’d made in her skin. Six marks were now free bleeding and her arm was soaked in blood. One last mark and she breathed out in satisfaction. It would be simple to get this cleaned up and bandaged. Blood flowed out like a river into the sink.

Her head was spinning faster.

It took an immense amount of effort to control the bleeding and get herself cleaned up, and even then, by the time the gauze was around her arm, the bleeding had only slowed, not stopped completely. She made sure to hide the evidence and stumbled from the bathroom into Robin.

“Jesus Christ Nancy, you’re white as a sheet,” Robin exclaimed. She helped her into her room and laid her down on the bed. Finally, the spinning stopped. “How much?”

“I….um…” She held her arm out for Robin to look.

“Fuck, Nance.” Robin sighed. “This is pretty bad. You’re still bleeding through. Hold on. Don’t move.”

“No hospital,” Nancy said faintly when Robin returned with more gauze, disinfectant, and a new long sleeved flannel to change into.

“Oh, no, I avoid that shit if I can,” Robin murmured as she got to work. “As for this, your injuries, I had a feeling something would happen. You’ve been drifting from me today. I just wish this wasn’t the thing that brought you back. I want that thing to be…me, as selfish as that sounds.”

“Selfish…that would be nice…” Nancy sat up as Robin finished up and changed into the flannel that had been laid out for her. She tossed the bloodied one into the laundry. “Wish I could be selfish sometimes. I feel selfish every time I’m with you.”

Outside, the construction continued. Nobody would be looking for them in here. They were safe from the outside. Anything could happen. More importantly, they could do anything. Now that the episode had passed, she felt comfort in Robin’s presence and couldn’t get enough of it, even though they had been mostly attached at the hip for the last few days. She wished she had the words to express all this, but all she could offer was tracing invisible patterns into Robin’s palm as she listened to the noise outside.

“You hungry?” Robin asked eventually as she got up to put on a different Heart record than the one they had listened to yesterday.

Nancy shook her head and went to her desk to start catching up on the mountain of homework she had been neglecting all week again. It seemed this was becoming a pattern, and they had only just gotten back into the swing of things. The end of the year and graduation was staring her in the face, and she hadn’t dared herself to think about either of those facts yet. Or the fact that her mother was so gravely injured she was likely to miss her walk the stage. If a stage would still exist. She bit her lip. The music was nice and allowed focus, though. She sensed Robin flit around the room, unable to sit still. But mainly, her eyes remained on essay after essay. Once her homework was done, it was then she realized…finals were next week. After that, it was truly over. School. High school. Adulthood was here. Although, in her case, it had snuck into her life much earlier than it did for most. 

But she couldn’t waste time dwelling on all this right now, not when she had Robin to consider. What exactly were they now? Having kissed on two occasions now, some kind of line had been crossed and she couldn’t look at Robin the same way anymore. But it wasn’t like she could shout about this development from the rooftops. She wondered if Robin felt the same way about this situation. Everything in her was bursting to ask the question, but she was terrified of the answer. If the answer was no, she’d be crushed beyond repair. If the answer was yes, she’d be forever questioning why she deserved this. There was no answer that could provide her relief. Except, perhaps, slipping away entirely, but she couldn’t do that to everyone else.

“Nancy?” 

She gasped when she felt Robin’s hand on her cheek. A pair of bright blues pierced into her vision.

“What are we, Robs?” The words exploded out of her in a whispered breath that she was afraid to make too audible, as if the hammering and sawing outside couldn’t possibly be enough of a cover for what they were currently hiding from everyone else.

“Whatever you want us to be, Nance. I know how it feels…that fear and uncertainty. I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured to do or be anything you don’t want.”

“I, I mean, I like you too,” Nancy stuttered in reply. “But I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean for us, or where we go from here.”

“What is it you want?” Robin asked. “We can start there. I’m just going at whatever pace you want , since this is so much newer to you.”

She wanted to reject this. Her wanting something for herself wasn’t something allowed on the agenda, as much as she ached for such a thing. The fairy tale ending was meant for someone else. It was a realization she had slowly come to since dumping Jonathan. That already felt like a lifetime ago. There was something weirdly freeing about coming to terms with not being able to have what she so desperately wanted. Now she could focus on what mattered: saving this town, keeping her family safe and alive, and driving Vecna back into the flames she had cast him into back in March. She’d make the final blow herself if she had to. But soft kisses in the rain? Stolen glances of a blue eyed, wild haired girl who talked a mile a minute and never seemed to stop to breathe unless Nancy asked her to? No, that was the true impossibility.

“I don’t know,” Nancy whispered. 

Robin’s arm snaked around her waist. She wanted so badly to relax into her warmth. Every muscle in her slim frame felt like it was tensed at the same time, and the thought of releasing that coiled spring inside her was beyond the realm of possibility. Her breath hitched, but Robin didn’t release her grip, didn’t falter for even a second. She couldn’t believe this girl was becoming solid ground for her to stand on, and no matter how many times she fell, she was a platform to land on. A safe place to curl herself into and fall apart. Why was she refusing such a thing? Well, she knew why, and if she thought about it again she would go round and round until she found herself ripping her own body away into the wind to be carried off into dust, like the particles that had taken over their once clean air.

“I don’t know,” she said again, unable to help the fear that snuck its way into her voice and wouldn’t let go. It was happening again and she could feel it start in her chest, sneak up to her throat, squeeze her heart, and pin her to the mattress just like those damn vines that had nearly killed her.

“Hey, hey…” She hooked her arm around a little tighter and cupped the back of Nancy’s neck. Something about this position felt comforting, but the panic was taking over anyway, so the only thing left to do was ride it out.

“Just breathe,” Robin whispered into her ear. “I’ve got you, I promise.”

Nancy let out one strangled gasp after another. At first, it seemed like the episode would never end, but as the minutes ticked by, she settled into Robin and let out a shuddering sigh. And the whole time, she never broke physical contact. She wanted to go to sleep the instant she had calmed down, even though nothing but angry Barb eyes and blood-filled pools awaited her on the other side of consciousness. One hell for another, that seemed to be the deal.

“The world won’t end if you decide to accept this,” Robin said finally. “You don’t have to believe me right now, or tomorrow. Or even the next day. Just know that my words are true, and nothing you can say or do will make you lose me. Okay? You’ve got me now, always. I don’t want you to worry about that.”

“Okay,” Nancy said to Robin’s jacket. She wanted to ask a million questions, but instead she just asked one. “Are we okay then?”

“Of course we are.” Robin’s smile was soft and pleasant. “Better than okay, I promise. I’m not expecting us to have this figured out right away. We can take this at whatever pace…feels right. Fast, slow, whatever. It won’t change how I feel.”

“Alright.” The remainder of the conversation lapsed into silence, and Nancy fell asleep to the sound of the final song on the first side of the record.

Finals, finals, finals. Graduation, graduation, graduation. Nancy could tune out the lectures that all blended into a gray sameness after the second time. All she wanted was to escape this prison of a school and use her head for something useful. She wasn’t sure when she had stopped caring about school, but, at least it was no longer showing in her grades. Straight A Wheeler once again. It was like that first lapse had never happened.

“Excellent work, Nancy. I especially liked your conclusion.” 

Nancy looked at an essay she didn’t remember writing, but it was her name at the top and her handwriting on the paper that went on for six and a half pages.

Oh well, right? She was good at pretending, and she couldn’t afford to stop now. She took the paper, didn’t even read the feedback before crumpling all the pages up and tossing them in the trash. The school day had just ended seven minutes ago, but the campus had cleared out so fast that it was already a ghost town, save for some club meetings, the last of the year. As her boots clomped her way down the hall, she spotted vines on the walls. Her eyes locked on them, unsure if this was real. Because if it was real, that meant things were getting even worse. If it wasn’t, well, they had much bigger problems on their hands. Nancy wasn’t sure which answer she wanted, but she had to find out anyway. She reached her hand out to the vine. She couldn’t help herself, her need to always know things got in the way of everything else.

The scream that erupted from her when a vine grabbed her and dragged her down the hall was heard by no one else in the building. She kicked and struggled, but it continued to yank her along with surprising speed and strength that was beyond human comprehension. She shimmied the rifle out of her backpack and tried to take aim at the vine attempting to kidnap her out of nowhere. She was being dragged too fast for her to get a good angle. The vine took Nancy past her car, and she knew she only had a split second to leave behind some kind of sign that something was deeply wrong. She took out her hair clip, which she never did unless she was getting ready for bed, and allowed it to fall to the parking lot’s asphalt. Just as she was wondering how long this would go on for, silently cursing the road rash she was going to experience the next morning, she was brought to a halt right at the gate, face to face with the creature that had been haunting her for weeks on end now. 

She should shoot him. It would be so easy. The gun was still in her hand, and he was just available to kill. But she didn’t move a muscle. She stared up into his face and she was certain she could reach out and touch him if she moved an inch, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. She was frozen.

Nancy…tell them I’ll be returning…soon.

And just like that, he was gone. At the corner of Nancy’s vision, she could spot military trucks rolling in. She turned and ran for her car, not giving herself any time to process what had just happened. What would the use be?

And yet.

And yet–

She couldn’t deny it anymore. This was happening. He was coming. If she said nothing, it would be her fault. Barb, Fred, it was her fault. She couldn’t have more blood on her hands. She could barely open the door and collapse into the driver’s seat, sinking into it like a deflating balloon. The tremors in her hands made it almost impossible to start the engine. But she did. And she drove home. Into the house. She was disconnected from the world around her, or as much as one could be while still being awake.

Robin…wasn’t there.

Gone, gone, gone, she left you, she’s gone! Gone! Gone.

She shook again as she made the climb up the stairs. Her head spun. She was certain she would pass out. Then she spotted a note on her bed.

Nance,

Had to get back to work. I’ll be home before you’re asleep. Promise.

Your Robs

The relief took over so hard that the only thing Nancy could do was fall into her bed and sob until the breath left her lungs. What was wrong with her? That list only seemed to be growing. She sniffled and sat up when she heard a voice downstairs.

“....her later. I’m sure she’s exhausted.”

“Karen, we’re all gonna need to have a talk with her pretty soon. We can’t avoid it forever.”

“You don’t think I’ve tried, Ted?”

Her mom.

She was home.

Chapter 11: Karen Knows

The moment Nancy came down the stairs to greet her mother, she could tell she was really in for it this time. Her parents, Mike, and Holly were all spread out and staring at her as she entered the room. She felt like the walls were closing in on her a bit, and she looked around as if Robin would appear any moment to bring her down from yet another panic attack. But Robin was at work. She was alone in this. She had never felt more lost, and no one had even said anything yet. She took a moment to observe the state her mother was in. The woman was pale, tired, and still had bandages on her, and it seemed like she was in pain. But she was here, she was alive.

“Nancy honey, why don’t you sit down,” Karen said softly. Nancy ignored her request. Her insides felt too keyed up to allow such a thing. So she paced around, just like back in the cabin.

“Or not,” Ted grumbled, his posture entirely too relaxed for the situation. “You never listen, do you.” Nancy didn’t miss the sharp look Karen gave him in response. Her father didn’t appear to notice.

“Nancy,” Karen tried again. “We’re all very worried about you. Between the nightmares, and missing almost every meal I try to push at you, I really think you need some—”

“Help?” Nancy finished, looking at her mother for the first time since she had started talking. “Right.” Her head bobbed with a nod. “Right, because now you care. Now you all care, huh? Now we can all act like we give a damn about Nancy Wheeler. Huh?”

“Okay, wait a minute,” Ted interjected. Nobody listened to him.

“What are you talking about?” Karen asked. “Of…course we care about you. We love you.”

“No,” Nancy snapped. “Don’t you start.”

“Alright,” Karen said, getting to her feet. “Let’s take this to my room, shall we?” A twinge of guilt broke through the anger as she spotted Holly cowering into Mike’s chest.

In her parents’ room, a place which was once a sanctuary from nightmares and little fears that ranged from the dark to the bottom step in the basement, Nancy began her frantic pacing again. Karen’s eyes followed her movement before she stepped in her path and put her hands on her shoulders to make her stop, to be still for just one moment, but Nancy knew to do that would mean spinning out and never gaining a fraction of control ever again. She struggled against her mother, but she held her fast, and it was then she finally realized what was happening.

“Nancy, why are you so angry?” Karen demanded, her tone not angry, but there was a hint of defeated confusion layered with concern, tiredness, and hopelessness. Of course she’d make her mom feel this way. She couldn’t just be a decent daughter, could she?

“Did you not hear anything I just said?!?” Nancy demanded as she tried to break free of Karen’s hold again with more violence than before. “None of you actually care, not in a way that matters! When you landed in the hospital, all that mattered was that I keep things going!” She pulled herself away from Karen so hard that the woman stumbled a little, stunned at the surprising display of strength.

“And when I was a child, I had to stop being a child the moment Holly was born!” she continued, her chest heaving as all the pent up energy that she’d had bottled up since the cabin was spilling out of her. She didn’t think she could get it to stop this time. Her pacing started up again, the only thing keeping her grounded to the earth.

“I never…asked…” Karen faltered.

“It was Dad, actually,” Nancy spit out, throwing her arm towards the closed bedroom door before letting it fall violently to her side. It should’ve hurt, but she didn’t even feel it. She was still in frantic motion. “He’s the one who expected so much out of me from the time I was nine years old! Tell me why I was having to do everyone’s laundry and the dishes and Mike’s homework and clean Holly’s room by the time I was ten.”

Above them, the lights flickered for a split second. It was happening again, but Nancy was a hurricane now. She didn’t know how much destruction she was going to cause before it all finally came to an end. Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted her mother look at them before focusing on what was in front of her again.

“I had to be the strong one,” she rambled, the words coming out like a river. “Look after Mike, be tough, put on a brave face, don’t make your mother upset. Don’t be a disappointment. And it wasn’t like you ever did anything to stop him! Well look at me now, Mom! I’m the biggest walking disappointment who ever lived! If you even knew about a fraction of the things I’d done I’d be disowned forever at best!”

“Nance…” Karen trailed off again, at a loss for words.

“Dad always said I wouldn’t go far in life if I wanted to take risks like everyone else. Why do you think I hid Steve and the party and the goddamn drinking?!? I wanted these things so badly, but the only way I could have them is if I went out and took them myself instead of just asking for permission.” Tears stung the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t want to cry in front of her mother. “No, instead, I try to be normal. I lose my friends. I…lose…” Her mouth went dry. “Barb.” Her voice was harsh and raw around the girl’s name. “Mike and I lost our relationship. I barely know where he is these days! And I try to be normal! I try…so hard, but–” The lights again. No. Please stop. Pain started up behind her eyes.

“Nancy-” Karen reached for her. “Please.” She didn’t have the strength to fight back this time. She sank into her mother’s embrace, boneless.

The tears had started before she had been fully conscious of it. Karen rocked her back and forth, but whatever she was saying was lost to the blood rushing in Nancy’s ears and how fast her heart was going. White hot pain exploded behind her eyes, but for some reason even that was a background feature to everything else. She tried to get more words out, but nothing was coming besides harder and harder sobbing. She was dizzy now, and she didn’t know how much longer she could remain on her feet. She felt a surface under her, a bed? She was being laid on her side now, a blanket being tucked around her.

“Just…let it out,” Karen whispered as she sat with her. “That’s it.”

The front door opened and closed.

“Your friend has been spending a lot of time here,” her mother noted.

Robin was home. Nancy sat up and sniffled, coming out of it just enough to realize that maybe Robin could rescue her from this moment. She felt her mother’s eyes on her, perhaps curious, but Nancy didn’t have it in her to explain that just yesterday she had made out with this girl on her bed. That wasn’t a conversation she had time or energy for right now so she went with the easier story.

“Rough home life.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Nancy?” Robin called. 

“In here,” Karen answered. She rested a hand on Nancy’s leg. She stared at this, not fully comprehending. Maybe with Robin’s help she could finally talk about everything.

Robin walked in and frowned at the ceiling when the lights came back on.

“Um, I hate to interrupt, but a swarm of military trucks just came in and they’re looking for El, Nancy.”

“Okay,” Nancy said. She didn’t move.

“Did…” Robin looked between them. “Nance, you’ve been crying. What happened?”

“Nothing,” she whispered. “I’m…I’m coming. You want my help, right?”

“Not if you’re not okay.”

“She’s not,” Karen spoke up. “I’ve been trying to get her to talk, but…”

“Trust me, I have too,” Robin said softly. “Stay with her, Mrs. Wheeler. I’ll explain everything when I come back.”

“I will hold you to that, Robin. Do…you have any advice?” 

Robin handed over a walkie. “Just call me if she freaks out and you can’t get her to calm down. If she gets in a trance, there is a Walkman on her desk with a Heart tape in it ready to go. That’ll bring her back.”

“Thank you,” Karen said softly. “Erm…how do I…”

“Oh! I’m sorry.” Robin switched it on. “This channel right here. Just stay on that.” Robin glanced at Nancy, then took off. The front door opened and shut again.

“Okay,” Karen sighed. “With that out of the way, why don’t we…get a pot of coffee on.”

Nancy was about to answer her when she felt her nose run. Another nosebleed. She pinched her nose, but it didn’t stop. Karen leapt into action and got a towel, folding it into Nancy’s lap and gently leaning her forward. She was quiet as she observed the nosebleed, and Nancy wasn’t sure what she was doing with that focused expression until she spotted her mother glance at her watch. Was she timing it? She screwed her eyes shut for a moment, then opened them. The towel was soaked in her blood now, and her head was spinning. Minutes ticked by, but finally the bleeding slowed down.

“I’ll get you some water, Nancy.”

She could only sit there helplessly on the queen sized bed, blood still slowly dripping onto the towel. She wasn’t frightened by this, she had lost the ability to be afraid of her nosebleeds awhile ago. She wasn’t sure why her mother wasn’t, especially after she had reacted the first time. Her thoughts were cut off by Karen returning with a cup of water and a cut up apple. She took the water but ignored the offering of fruit for now. The towel disappeared from her lap as she sipped slowly at the water. It helped somewhat with the headache. She had no idea if it was a placebo effect, but her mother’s presence made the suffering much more muted than it would have been alone.

“You cold?” 

Nancy nodded. Instantly, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Karen walked off and returned again with a wet washcloth. She cleaned off Nancy’s face, getting all the blood that was on it. Finally, she drew back and just looked at her.

“How long has this been happening?”

“Since…the earthquake,” Nancy whispered. “But it wasn’t really…an earthquake. Something caused it.”

“Is it the same thing that…” Karen hesitated. “I suppose now is probably the time to talk about it. What I was going to say before I ended up in the hospital.”

All Nancy could do was stare at this woman. This was not her mother. This moment was not happening. This was just simply not real. This did not exist in her world view. To accept it as such would upend the view she’d been shaping in her mind since she was nine years old, subconsciously, then even more consciously since thirteen, and again and again until she was in her current maze of confusion, pain, anger, and torture. If she blinked now, the distance would jump between their bodies and minds again like everything that had just happened was nothing more than a dream conjured by Vecna to tell her that was what she could have had if she had simply earned it. When her mother produced a photograph that she only allowed herself to see in her nightmares, she started to wish that this wasn’t real. She jerked back from the photograph, the bloodied towel sliding off her lap to the floor.

“Nancy, what is that in this photo of Barb?” On the surface, the question was innocent enough, but in its context, it was enough to send Nancy reeling. Her panic was so profound that her next words could only come out in fragments.

“...killed…I k-killed…” She sobbed uncontrollably.

Karen was quick to put the photograph away and pull Nancy into her arms. She rocked her back and forth, but whatever she was saying was completely lost to Nancy. Against her will, everything came tumbling out of her.

“My fault, my fault, it’s my fault, I should have gone with her and now she’s dead and it won’t stop, it won’t stop, it’ll never stop, do you hear me?” Some faraway part of her mind whispered that she wasn’t making sense, but it could hardly be helped.

“What won’t stop?” Karen murmured. 

“Bad, bad things,” Nancy gulped, trying to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t. “The monster keeps…coming back…the mall, t-the death. So, so much death. Now he wants me.” The words came out faster until she could only push them out of her in a breathless whine.

“Nightmares, nosebleeds, the lights,” Karen recited, more to herself than Nancy. “It’s about a lot more than Barb.”

“B-Barb, Fred, you, me, people I couldn’t save, people I…hurt…I’m selfish, I’m weak–” She buried her face in her mother’s tear-soaked sweater again, her entire body trembling. She couldn’t believe she was saying all this now.

“You’re not, Nance, and you didn’t–”

The bedroom door burst open and suddenly Robin was there, and she was in Robin’s arms, everything was alright now. She sank into her embrace and finally started to come out of her spiral that had started with the first confrontation over an hour ago. It felt so good to have her breath come back and her body relax. She finally looked at her mother again with an embarrassed sheepishness she wished could’ve been buried back in her childhood, like the good memories she had nearly forgotten. Things hadn’t been all bad, of course, but things had strayed so far off course that she was careening out of control and needed someone to steer her in the right direction. It just so happens that Robin was her compass, her true north. She couldn’t believe it had taken so short and so long to come to that realization. So short, in that they’d only been hanging out a week nonstop before the first kiss happened, and so long, because it had taken up to this point in her life to trust someone completely, and now she wouldn’t have it any other way.

That didn’t mean things were about to get easier, though. Nancy knew that. But as long as she had Robin, she figured she could face most things. She could face this, probably, if she led the conversation. And so she looked to the shorter haired girl now, looking for some sign that she was ready to ask questions or answer them.

“Mrs. Wheeler,” Robin said finally, and her voice was a balm on Nancy’s kinetic anxiety. “Your family has gone to bed, so perhaps we can all talk properly.”

“Alright,” Karen conceded. She picked up the plate with the still untouched apple, frowning a little. “Nancy…” She hesitated, then shook her head before walking towards the kitchen ahead of the pair. 

Nancy could feel Robin’s gaze burning into her with a question she had no idea to answer, so she didn’t acknowledge her. Instead, she slipped out of Robin’s grip and shuffled into the kitchen like this was any ordinary night, and she’d had a perfectly ordinary nightmare. She didn’t want to talk about things more than she had to. This habit would take a long time to kill, but time wasn’t exactly on their side right now. For now, she would reveal what she could, and let Robin do the rest. Although, she felt like she had said more than enough already, and if she didn’t have to speak for an entire day that would be an immense relief for her. Relief was something in short supply, especially for her.

By the time they were gathered around the table, cups of coffee in hand for all three, Nancy still wasn’t sure where to begin. Robin didn’t come into the story until much later, so it was up to her to fill in all the blanks for her mother, but the words just didn’t want to come no matter how many of them piled and tangled in the back of her throat. She just couldn’t stop thinking about the photograph and the body and the lonely and violent death that she’d had and oh, how the shadows liked to come out when she started thinking like this.

“Did…” Karen faltered and tried again. “Did you see anything that night?”

Nancy shook her head.

“But this was what killed her, right?”

Slowly, Nancy nodded in reply, leg bouncing uncontrollably under the table. She felt Robin’s hand on her knee, which stopped the movement.

“Is it what killed those…other kids?”

Nancy shook her head again.

“Something else?”

Another nod.

“Is that what caused the earthquake?”

“Yes,” Nancy whispered, finally able to force herself to speak.

“We called him Vecna,” Robin spoke up, her hand not leaving Nancy’s leg. “But he has an actual name. Henry Creel.”

“Creel?” Karen’s eyebrows furrowed at this. “I think I know that name…”

“T-The…The…the…” Nancy shut her eyes for a moment and tried again. “Creel murders.” She was coming back to herself. Talking about something else helped, a good deal more than what should be comfortable or normal. There was no comfortable or normal to be found anywhere these days.

“Yes, I remember those stories,” Karen said, a look of recall on her face now.

“We interviewed him,” Robin interrupted. “At Pennhurst. Me and Nance.” Karen raised an eyebrow at Nance, but didn’t interrupt.

“We can address…that part…later…what did you learn?” 

Nancy reached for an apple slice and nibbled at it. Her life didn’t end when she finished it, so she took another. No one seemed to take notice of this, which was what made it feel all the more safe and possible.

“That Victor Creel didn’t kill his family, something else did,” Robin replied, still taking the lead of the conversation. “And that…music brings people back from the trance Henry kills people in. It worked for Max. She survived, although barely. And it’s worked for Nancy.” 

Robin’s hand gently squeezed Nancy’s leg under the table, away from Karen’s line of sight. It was her lifeline to reality, more so than the constant music she had to listen to. She had to admit she had a preference.

“You haven’t been able to stop him?”

“No,” Robin admitted with a quiet sigh. 

Nancy sipped at her now lukewarm coffee before taking another slice of apple. The fruit was half gone now, and she felt like that was enough for now.

“What happens now?”

“We try to prove Eddie is innocent,” Robin said. “Stop Henry…at all costs. And put an end to the nightmare for good.”

“Still working on a plan,” Nancy said. She was fully back in the room now. “What were you doing out there?”

“The military was questioning me about El, I had to tell them I hadn’t seen her since she moved to California.”

“I mean, it’s not like you’ve…spoken or anything,” Nancy said slowly. “You didn’t exactly lie. Much.”

“Alright,” Karen sighed. “Well, I do have other questions, but I think I’ve gotten all the important things from you two. Thank you, Robin.” There was a warmth to her voice that Nancy wasn’t expecting.  “Nancy hasn’t had a proper friend since Barb,” she continued when they both looked confused, “and I’m glad you could be that for her.”

“Oh, well,” Robin said shyly, acting shockingly casual for someone who was mere inches from holding her hand. “It was nothing, really. Nancy’s great. She’s strong, stronger than she realizes.”

They were interrupted from the moment by the door bursting open. Nancy strode towards the front door. Finally, something else to focus on.

“Hey, Murray, I said–” Owens was cut off.

“Wheeler family! We’ve got an emergency downtown!” Murray yelled out. “Sorry it took me so long, got held up by aaaaaall the red tape in this damn town.”

“Great, let me gear up,” Nancy said. “Mom, you should stay put.”

“Absolutely not!” Karen replied shrilly as she caught up to Nancy, Robin at her heels. “You are incredible vulnerable right now!”

“And useful, and powerful,” Nancy listed off. “They need me. I have to do this.”

“I trust her,” Robin confirmed with full confidence. “Mrs. Wheeler, I have your daughter’s back in battle any day. I swear it.” Again, Karen got a funny look in her eyes as she looked at them, but she said nothing, and filed away whatever silent question had seemed to be in her eyes.

Subtlety didn’t seem to be Robin’s strong suit, but Nancy didn’t exactly have it in her to tell her to reign it in when Robin was likely stretching herself very thin right now. There were bigger problems to be had right now.

“What’s the problem anyway?” Nancy asked, itching to have a gun in her hand to fire at whatever monstrosity was coming for them. 

“We caught movement beyond the gate,” Owens explained. 

Nancy pointedly did not make direct eye contact with him. Although it had been years, the fact he was part of covering up what happened to Barb was still a recent enough memory that it carried a lingering sting. Before he could say a word to her, she was off to her room to get suited up for another fight. There was no time to rest and recover from crying for what felt like years. No matter. She had to do this. Gun, gun, bullets, bullets, mask, mask, gloves, two flashlights, flashlight batteries, batteries for her tape, restart her tape, adjust her headphones around her neck, ready.

The closer they got to the Mothergate, the worse that Nancy felt. It began with another one of those headaches, dull then getting sharper and wrapping around her entire skull in a film of near blinding pain. Her nose bled again for the second time that same evening, and she knew she couldn’t afford to lose much more before it became a serious concern. She prayed it would stop. But she was forced to halt right there in the street, waiting for the bleeding to get under control. Owens was the one who turned and looked at her with concern, rather than Murray, who was anxious to get going.

“You alright, Miss Wheeler?”

“Nance?” Robin’s voice cut in.

A moment later, the bleeding stopped and Nancy wiped her nose, blinking rapidly. It was a warning. She could feel that. He didn’t want them to come closer and interfere. In the distance, she could hear gunshots and bones snapping, people screaming and dying.

Chime.

Chime.

Chime.

Chime.

Thanks to the music in her ears, the worst that came from this was seeing the clock, and hearing its chime. He couldn’t reach her with the protection. She pulled the headphones on and let out a shaky breath before continuing to walk. She nodded to Robin slightly to indicate that she was okay.

“Okay,” Owens said, seeming satisfied with Nancy’s recovery. “Let’s go.”

Nancy thought she was prepared. She really did. But nothing prepared her for the sight of Vecna stepping out of the gate, sending military men flying like ragdolls. The gun in her hand faltered for the first time since she had learned how to shoot one. What the hell was she gonna do? His piercing eyes looked right at her, and everything went dark.

Chapter 12: Coming Out and Going Down

Notes:

Y'all! I am finally back! Sorry it's taken me so long, but hopefully updates should be more frequent going forward.

Nancy was adrift. She found herself in a void that was remarkably similar to the one Eleven had described a few times while remote traveling to find people. Water splashed, but her feet never got wet no matter how much she walked. She blinked and looked around. She was surrounded by a darkness much deeper than one she had ever seen before. She shuddered. It was cold here, and no amount of movement brought her closer to warmth. How was she going to get out of here? Somewhere far above her, she could hear voices. She tried to head in that direction. Someone blocked her path.

“Nancy…”

“You,” she whispered, looking directly into Vecna’s face. “You brought me here, didn’t you. Why are you doing this? Can’t you just let me live?”

“I want you to join me.”

“Never,” Nancy snapped, clenching her fists. “I’ll never join you, you overgrown raisin.”

“I’m afraid you won’t have a choice, Nancy.”

His voice pierced right into her. The more she tried to shake it off, the more it sank into her. She shivered, the cold growing worse, like it was coming from Vecna rather than this void she was stuck in. There had to be a way out of here. She tried to remember the words to the Heart song that had defined much of her childhood. And then she began to sing. If no one was going to offer her a hand, she would claw her way out, blood under her nails and fire in her eyes. She felt that old determination from when she had shot Vecna out the window blooming inside her. It was small, faint, and could be snuffed out any moment, but it existed nonetheless. She grabbed and held onto it as hard as she could, which wasn’t very hard, but it was more strength than she’d had in a very long time.

Nancy woke up with a cry. She muffled it at once with her hand when she realized Robin was right at her bedside and asleep, her hand inches from the bed. She had no idea how long she’d been out for. She glanced at the calendar. May 2nd. She was supposed to be taking exams and graduating right now. Instead she was a mess of a girl in a hospital bed. Her whole life was ruined, her family’s lives ruined. Because she was too much of a disaster to function. To her surprise, her mom was there too. The bandages were off her. She was slowly healing. Her mom woke up and strode to her bedside.

“Nancy, oh my god.” Karen sighed and grabbed her hand. “You’ve been out for days.”

“What about exams? And graduation?”

“I’ve talked to the school already, you’ll be pushed back to graduating in December, but maybe in the spring–”

“Mom!” Nancy protested. “I’ve worked my entire life for this, to get into a really good school and get a really good job and be someone!”

“Yes, and it’s nearly killed you!” Karen countered. “Look at you, you’re skin and bone, you’ve got dark circles under your eyes, and any time you try to talk about what you’re carrying on your shoulders, you fall to pieces.”

“I’m sorry. Mom, I just…” Nancy trailed off, staring at the sheets.

“I spoke to Ted while you were…out,” Karen said. “I don’t think we’ve fought like that in ages. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong.”

“I didn’t think he would,” Nancy said quietly. “Don’t fight with him on my account, Mom. I know he doesn’t believe in divorce.”

“You’ve eavesdropped before.”

“It’s not eavesdropping if the whole house can hear it.”

“Okay, enough,” Karen sighed. “You are worth fighting for, even if you refuse to believe it right now.”

Nancy heard Robin mumble and looked over at her. She was waking up, sort of. It would be some time before she was truly conscious. Other than seeming to be exhausted, she wasn’t any worse for wear. That was a relief. Vecna hadn’t attacked anyone that was here while she’d been unconscious. As for outside the hospital, she had no idea. That terrified her. But Robin was okay at least. That provided a great relief.

“It seems she really cares about you,” Karen murmured. “She refused to leave last night.”

“Mom, she’s just…”

“A friend?” her mother supplied. She looked at Nancy curiously. “What do you think would happen if I discovered she wasn’t?”

“Well–”

Robin let out a long yawn and stretched, opening her eyes. Nancy smiled fondly at the sight. It had only been two days, but it felt like far longer since she’d seen her, and yet no time at all.

“Well morning, sleepyhead.”

“Morning, Nance.” Robin looked at her sleepily before realization came across her. “Nancy! You’re awake! Finally!”

“Yeah, I’m up.”

“I believe,” Karen spoke up, startling Robin, “we need to have a talk.”

“Oh sure, Mrs. Wheeler,” she said awkwardly. “What’s going on? Did the doctors say when Nancy was gonna be okay to leave?”

“In a little while, but that’s not what I want to talk about.” Karen crossed her legs and gazed at the pair. Nancy felt like she was under a microscope once again.

“What’s going on?” Robin asked, a bit more nervous now.

“I couldn’t help but notice how close the two of you have gotten,” Karen began softly. “I wasn’t sure what to make of it until the other day when Nancy made some claim about your home life to explain why you’ve spent so much time with my daughter recently.”

“I can explain,” Robin said. “Nancy, she…she needs me, like, really needs me.”

“I’d never doubt that, and I’m sure you’ve been a great help to Nancy. But there’s something more, and I don’t think it would be productive to deny it.”

“I…I…” Robin was on the verge of tears.

“Mom,” Nancy cut in. “You’re making her upset. If you’re gonna kick me out for this or something, just get it over with. Don’t leave me hanging.”

“No, no!” Karen sighed and shook her head. “Nothing like that.” She paused and looked at them again. “If you are…together…who am I to stop you?”

A massive weight left Nancy’s chest at the unexpected acceptance. She let out a shaky breath, gauging Robin’s reaction. She was crying. Nancy pulled her closer and whispered reassurances to her until she calmed down in her arms. She pressed her lips to her head and pulled away with a sigh. Whatever went on at home, there was no love in it. She could see that much. Her mother was far from perfect, but she was trying at least. She had to make it easier for her, meet her halfway at least. She met eyes with her now, and she knew that she had to tell her the truth about the last thing she had been holding onto.

“I need to tell you something…” She trailed off, trying to find the best way to say it. Robin slipped out of Nancy’s arms and wiped her tears away.

“What is it, honey?”

“That…man who attacked me the other day. He showed me the future.” This was so hard to explain. But she knew she had to do it. “He showed me those gates opening, and he showed all of you in danger. You, Mike, Holly.”

Karen’s eyes were wide as she listened, but she didn’t interrupt. Nancy relaxed when she felt Robin take her hand.

“It’s why I had to try even harder to hide all this,” she explained. “I couldn’t let you all get hurt…or…killed. Because of me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“Oh Nancy,” Karen sighed. “I was already attacked, and nearly died. They had to treat me for some infection, put heat on me until it was gone. That was what they said, anyway. I’m sure there was more to it, but I wasn’t about to ask questions. Not when I was already so addled.”

“Right,” Nancy murmured, feeling silly now. “I’m sorry, Mom. Sorry I’ve been so difficult, so stubborn.”

“Those Wheeler genes,” Karen mused softly, then she became serious again. “No, Nance, I should be sorry, that you felt like you couldn’t trust me with anything. It’s clear that’s something that goes way back. For now, let’s work on getting you out of here. You could probably be discharged at any time, since you’re an adult, but I’d like to see you eat something first.”

“Okay,” Nancy sighed.

“I can help,” Robin spoke up. “Where are those nutritional charts at…?" She wandered off. Nancy slumped back against the pillows and stared at the ceiling.

“You’re happy together, then?”

“Yes, Mom,” Nancy said shyly, a blush already coming into her cheeks.

“Good, then that is all I ask for.” Karen smiled. “That and you attempt to eat a meal. Alright?”

Nancy didn’t want to fight anymore. It just made things harder and made her more tired, but she didn’t know how to further explain how much she shouldn’t and did not deserve to take care of herself beyond the bare minimum. She felt like she was in an impossible position, but what was she supposed to say? So when a tray of food was presented to her she nibbled quietly at the honeydew and cantaloupe and said nothing about how it made her feel. Her mother wasn’t satisfied unless she had a few bites of everything, and she did her best to oblige. At least it got her out of the hospital.

“Of all the things to happen, I was not expecting your mom to find out about us,” Robin said as they made the drive back to the Wheeler household. “But I’m not mad about it. Honestly, it might make things a little easier.”

“Yeah,” Nancy agreed softly. “It’s…it’s good to have everything out in the open.” It had been incredibly messy, but she did feel a little better.

The house was almost totally fixed up by now, and Nancy could only tell anything that had happened because Ted had used a different material for the massive hole, and her mother’s healing injuries. Nancy made her way inside.

“Robin, what happened to Murray and Owens? After I collapsed.”

“Well,” Robin began awkwardly. “Owens was the one who got you to the hospital, and Murray stayed behind to keep Vecna busy for a minute.”

“Is he okay?”

“No, no Nancy, he…Vecna killed him.”

More blood on your hands, Nancy. When will it end?

“Jeez.” She tried to ignore the voice that had made a predictable return.

“He went back into the Upside Down and El went after him, but nobody’s seen her since. We’re gonna send a search party after her today.”

“I wanna join,” Nancy said.

“Nancy…” Robin hesitated. “Everyone thinks it’s best if you just get some rest.”

“He’s still targeting me, this won’t end until we kill him,” she pointed out. “How can I just sit around while he’s making me lose like half the blood in my body?” Before Robin could answer, Nancy spoke again. “Listen, if anything goes wrong I’ll bail, but for now I wanna be involved as much as I can.”

“Nancy,” Robin sighed. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“I agree,” Karen said as she turned off the engine. “However, you try getting my daughter to not be stubborn, then we can talk.”

“Fair point, Mrs. Wheeler.” 

“I’m right here,” Nancy grumbled as she got out of the car.

In the house, she spotted her father, and she could hardly meet eyes with him. Holly avoided her completely. Mike was the only one willing to drift closer and actually talk to her like she existed. Like everything was normal.

“Glad you’re home,” Mike said. “Did you hear about the search for El?”

“Yeah, I want in. Who is going and when?”

“Hop, Steve, Jonathan, Mrs. Byers, I think they had room for one more if you wanna meet with them at the library.”

Nancy strode up to her room to check her guns, her ammo, and the gear she had worn to take down Vecna before. She was part way through getting ready when her mother came into the room. She looked up and yanked the vest on, now fully dressed. She watched her for a moment, wondering if she’d try one last time to stop her, but instead, she handed over a pack of batteries.

“I know that I can’t stop you,” Karen said. “Ever since you were quite young, you’ve been very set in your convictions. Your drive, your will to fight, they’re all things I am proud of, Nancy. I just wish it didn’t put you into such danger. And I wish it hadn’t driven you to hurting yourself like this.”

“Mom…” Nancy trailed off, a million thoughts and conflicting emotions coming to the surface. She settled for saying just one thing. “I love you.” I’m sorry I don’t say it enough.  

“I love you,” Karen whispered as she hugged her. “So much, Nancy. Now go find her. And bring him down. I’ll keep Mike and Holly safe.”

“Holly.” Nancy wrenched away and ran to her little sister’s room. “Holly?”

“What?” Holly stepped away from the wall in her room.

Nancy narrowed her eyes. She heard her mother come in behind her.

“Who were you talking to?”

“A friend,” Holly said. “Mind your business, Nancy.”

“Holly!” Karen admonished. She gazed at the wall, as if she was remembering something.

“What are you thinking, Mom?” Nancy asked.

“When Will was missing, we visited Joyce one day,” Karen said softly. “Joyce found her wandering into one of the rooms, and Holly said she saw something…I thought it was just a toddler’s imagination, but now, obviously, I’m not so sure.”

“It’s gotta be Vecna, he wants her for something.” Again, she thought of her vision. “I knew Holly had been acting kind of reclusive, but…I’ve been too self absorbed to do anything about it.”

“Not everything is your responsibility, Nancy.”

“Then why did Dad…always make it feel that way?”

“I don’t know,” Karen sighed. “I don’t understand, because it wasn’t like I was hurting without your help, as much as I appreciated it.”

Nancy looked to Holly again, who seemed to be in her own world and tuning out the both of them. The guilt got worse despite everything her mother was telling her. She backed up towards the door, unable to handle being in the room any more. She retreated to her room once again and finished gearing herself up. Time to go.

“You stay in touch, okay?” Karen said as she met her at the front door, where Robin was waiting.

“Channel ten,” Robin reminded her. “We’ll all be on it.”

“Yes,” Nancy said. “I will. I thought there was no more room in the search party, Robin?”

“They’ll have to make room. We are a package deal, Nance.”

“Well when you put it like that …” Nancy twirled her flashlight. “We’re wasting time just standing here talking about it, aren’t we?”

She threw the door open to leave and found Will standing there.

“He’s in the basement,” Nancy deadpanned, watching as Will eagerly ran into the house.

Finally, they were on their way to the library. Nancy took out her gun and fired it at any creatures that came at her or Robin, but she saved most of her ammo, not shooting to kill and simply sounding off warning shots. It seemed to work, thankfully. But the closer they got to the gate, the more monsters they saw, and the harder it was getting to save her precious bullets. Nancy knew that it was by design. They wanted to make sure she was left defenseless by the time she made it inside and located El. She wondered if they’d stay as a group, safety in numbers but they can’t spread out and look. Or if they’d split up, the goal to extract her and escape, but then they’d be more vulnerable. There were no easy answers.

“You too?” Hopper sighed when he spotted Robin with Nancy. “Should’ve known, you two are attached at the hip.”

“I’m sorry about Murray,” Nancy said, breezing past his comment. She didn’t have time for it. “He…really helped me when I needed it.”

“No time to mourn at the moment,” Hopper said gruffly. “Besides, he and I weren’t exactly…never mind it’s not important right now.”

“Where are Steve and Jonathan?” Robin asked.

“Almost here,” Joyce spoke up as she looked at the walkie. “Steve? Jonathan? Where are you guys?”

“Sorry, we ran into a bit of a problem!” Jonathan’s voice came in a bit disjointed. “We’ve got it under control, though.”

“Jonathan’s hurt,” Steve said. “I managed to get him patched up, he should be alright.”

A thought suddenly struck Nancy. “Steve…have you seen Eddie?”

“Not since we dropped off the last shipment of supplies a few days ago, why?”

“We might be able to use him to draw these creatures away.” Nancy’s mind worked quickly. “Listen, if he’s become some kind vampire thing or something, then maybe he’s like them, and he could have some kind of influence over them. Hive mind.”

“That’s actually kind of genius,” Steve murmured. “Okay. We’ll do a quick detour. Don’t go in till we show up, okay?”

“So, you’ve been hiding Eddie?” Hopper said.

“Can we not get into this right now?” Nancy sighed. “I’m saving our asses with this idea. I didn’t like the idea of us going as a group and not being able to spread out to search, or if we split up, being picked off one by one till everyone is dead.”

“Well it’s a good idea.” Joyce smiled a little.

“So…what do we do now?” Robin frowned, shifting. 

“We wait,” Hopper said simply.

Nancy sat at one of the tables, but she was by no means relaxed. Her eyes did a sweep every minute or so, leg bouncing under the table. Robin remained with Hopper, speaking to him in a voice low enough that she couldn’t catch any of it. She looked up when Joyce sat across from her. It was then she realized they hadn’t had a proper talk. Sure, she’d spilled her guts to the woman, but Joyce hadn’t actually said anything. She had just let her explode.

“How are you feeling, Nancy?”

“Okay I guess. I just got out of the hospital.”

Joyce took her hand. It was warm, so warm, unless she was just freezing, which was more likely. She shivered.

“I heard about that,” she said softly. “Karen had called me and told me everything that happened leading up to you collapsing in the street.”

“O-Oh.” She stared back at Joyce nervously.

“I’m just worried is all.” Joyce frowned. “You were in a bad enough place at the cabin. And now you’re…spiraling, for lack of a better word.”

Nancy bit her lip. She knew Joyce wasn’t going to judge her. She hadn’t so far. But she felt the need to try to hide anyway. When she tried to pull away, Joyce gently pulled her back to the chair, looking at her with kind and steady eyes. She knew she’d confess just about anything to this woman. That scared her, but Robin was not too far away, and Robin made her feel brave, like she could be that girl who held a gun without a hint of fear in her system again. Maybe that girl was still in there.

“I…guess so,” she said carefully. She knew that what Joyce was saying was true, but she didn’t want to say it aloud. The actual words felt forbidden.

“Your mother told me about how you’ve almost totally stopped eating,” Joyce murmured. “You always look exhausted, and not to mention the self harm that was severe enough to send you to the hospital.”

“Joyce,” Nancy whispered. She stared at the table, at the hand the woman was still holding. The mother of her brother’s best friend…well, boyfriend, now.

The rest of the words she wanted to say remained tangled inside her, and she had no idea if she could undo those knots. If she should. She sucked in a breath, decided to try. Everything was stuck deep inside her. She tugged, tugged, tugged, and examined every piece to see if there was a way around this block she had. All the while, Joyce patiently waited. She shut her eyes and focused once again.

“I don’t deserve this,” she said finally, opening her eyes to see not agreement, but further concern and a sadness in Joyce’s eyes. “I’m too…difficult and complicated. I don’t know how everyone isn’t tired of trying by now when I haven’t made it easy in the slightest for anyone.”

“You deserve help even if you’re actively fighting against it,” Joyce said, leaning closer. “You deserve help even if you are dragged into it kicking and screaming, Nancy. I know you. I know you. I watched how the horrors of this town have changed you from this bright eyed, innocent teenager attached at the hip of her best friend into a child soldier carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.”

“Child soldier?” Nancy was baffled. What did she mean by that? It’s not like a war–

“That’s exactly what you are,” Joyce confirmed. “You might not be able to see it, but I do.”

Tears welled up. She couldn’t hold them back. She shut her eyes, but Joyce wrapped her in a gentle hug. She didn’t think it was possible to cry even more after the last several days, but it seemed like it never ended. It was a little embarrassing that she was just a waterworks factory these days, but at least she was safe, here, with Joyce, with her mother, with Robin. Safe from judgment. She pulled away when the library doors burst open.

“Hey!” Steve called out breathlessly. “Hey we made it!”

“Thank god.” Joyce spent several minutes fussing over Jonathan. 

Nancy met eyes with Eddie as he strolled in last. It felt like it had been ages since they’d last seen one another. It felt like so much had changed, and yet, nothing had changed at all. It was an odd feeling to have. She wanted to say something to him, but it wasn’t like they were terribly close. It seemed like he and Steve had formed a bond during the time they had spent together. She decided to let it go.

“How you been, Nancy?” Eddie asked, startling her. When had he approached?

“Surviving, same as just about everyone here.” Nancy shrugged. “What are we waiting for, then? We should get started before something serious happens to El in there.”

“Going in!” Eddie called out. “I’ll give you a signal when they’re good and distracted.”

Once again, they were waiting. Nancy was tired of it. She was antsy now. She was on her feet without having remembered getting up. She paced around the library, feeling restless and charged with nowhere for her energy to go. If they could put an end to this, so too her torment would come to an end. The headaches, the nosebleeds, the nightmares, the visions, the voice , all of it would stop. But what about the rest? She couldn’t attribute all of her problems to Vecna, even though she could agree he was making it harder for her. She couldn’t think about that right now. It was too much. It was better to focus on what she could feasibly accomplish right now: rescuing El and stopping Vecna. As for the rest, she’d get there. Probably.

“We’re a go.” Eddie’s voice startled Nancy.

“I’ll take the front,” Hopper said gruffly.

“I’ll stay here with Jonathan, he’s too injured for this,” Joyce said. She glared at him when he tried to protest. The eldest Byer child fell quiet.

“I’m right behind you,” Nancy spoke up firmly.

“I’ll take up the rear!” Steve spoke up.

Robin took Nancy’s hand. She didn’t need words for Nancy to know what she meant. Together or not at all. She nodded.

“Robin will be with me,” Nancy said. “Let’s go.”

“Got that right.” 

Hopper was the first one down. Once he’d made it, he helped everyone to the ground. Everyone was still in one piece. Of course, this was the easy part: getting in. Everything else, well, Nancy wouldn’t be surprised if Vecna prevented one or more of them from just leaving. Once it was Nancy’s turn, it took all of her concentration not to get distracted by the headache that was only getting worse the deeper she got into the gate. When she was on her feet again, she felt like it had ballooned into a full on migraine, and she had to shut her eyes for a moment.

“You alright?” Robin asked as she approached her.

“He knows we are…here,” Nancy murmured. “We don’t have the element of surprise.”

“We make this quick then,” Hopper said. “Behind me girls. You do exactly as I say when I say it. Wheeler, are you okay?”

“It…It’ll pass.” Nancy wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince. “Any ideas where El is?”

“Actually, you might be the person to do that. The whole…locator thing El can do. I bet you have that power too.”

“Fine, give me something to make a blindfold out of,” Nancy said. “Time is of the essence here and the longer she’s stuck here, the less likely it is we will be able to get her out.”

Once a cloth was over her eyes, it was time to focus her energy on finding El. She had only seen the girl in action like this once before, but she had been able to find Mike randomly on her own. She just had to do the same thing as before. She opened her eyes and was in the black void again. She didn’t know how El handled it. This empty space between spaces was straight up unsettling. Did it really bother no one else that El spent a whole lot of time in a place that probably frightened her? Unfortunately, she didn’t have time to think about that. She had a job to do. She wandered the black space and tried to think of where Vecna would take El. There was only one place that popped up in her mind that made any amount of sense.

The lab.

She made her way in that direction, and sure enough, she found signs of a struggle inside. She was about to enter when an invisible force pushed her back from the doors. Vecna emerged from the shadows and looked right at her. She looked around him and spotted an unconscious Eleven. 

She ripped off the blindfold, breathing heavily. She wiped blood from her nose. She wondered how much she could afford to lose today.

“Are you okay?” Robin asked. “What happened?”

“He…he has her,” Nancy said. “T-the lab.”

“The lab, let’s go,” Hopper announced. “Everyone behind me.”

Just as they started making their way, Nancy heard a familiar screeching noise that indicated a demobat was coming towards them. And not just one, but a whole army of them. She pulled her gun out first and began shooting at whatever appeared to have wings. One after the other after the other. She didn’t stop until she and Hopper were both examining all the bodies, there had to have been over a dozen.

“Nice work,” Hopper remarked. “I hardly had to do anything.”

“Shit, Nancy,” Steve said, twirling his bat. “Save some for the rest of us, will you?”

For awhile, things remained uneventful. Of course, there was the occasional ambush, but it was nothing to the degree that Nancy assumed they would run into, which told her that Vecna was mostly occupied with other matters and rescue attempts were not a concern to him. At least it gave them the upper hand, but she had no idea what they were about to walk into in this version of Hawkins Lab. Or if they’d walk out of it. It was too late to turn back now, not that Nancy would ever want to. As much pain as she was carrying around in her chest, it was miles better than being that long haired ignorant girl giggling in the halls and only concerned about the surface level things that ended up never mattering. Now here she was, gun in hand, at the front  lines of an inter-dimensional fight that she hoped would soon end. And oh how she hoped. She didn’t think she could tolerate another episode caused by Vecna. As they approached the lab doors, Nancy made sure her gun was loaded. She jumped when she heard a voice.

“Careful guys!” Eddie called out as he approached the group. “Did my distraction work?”

“Not really,” Steve said. “But we know where El is. She’s in here, somewhere.” 

He looked Eddie up and down. Nancy followed his gaze to see that Eddie was a mess of blood, indicating that he had just been on a hunt that he hadn’t had time to clean up from. As she was looking away, out of the corner of her eye, she could see Steve’s gaze lingering on this.

“Nance.” Robin grabbing her hand wrenched her back to reality. They didn’t have time to think about anything but what was beyond the threshold.

Right. Focus.

Once inside, Nancy had to think about where in the lab Vecna could have taken El. From her last time here, she knew this place was in substantial size, and she had only been in a small portion of said building. The part she had seen, though, had a significant detail that would be impossible to miss. A rainbow. There was no sign of the hospital-like setting she had seen in her prior visit, so it had to be another part of the lab. Maybe down below, where most people wouldn’t look. 

“Where are you going?” Hopper called. “I said stay behind me!”

“I know where she is!” Nancy responded firmly. 

With that, she charged on ahead even further, searching for that room with a rainbow in it. Down, down, down the stairs. Nothing else existed besides her goal, and she didn’t stop until she came across Vecna in a hallway. She ducked into a closet and listened to the sounds of him and El fighting. It seemed she was back on her feet and ready for another round with him. She shut her eyes and silently counted to three before throwing herself into the hallway and firing her gun without thinking about it, aiming right at the monster who had been tormenting her for weeks.

“El! Go! I’ll hold him off!”

“I am not leaving you, Nancy!” 

She launched him through a wall so hard he went through it then took off at a run, grabbing Nancy’s hand as she did so. Together, then. She was certain he would come for them as the distance between them grew. But she didn’t even hear him. Perhaps he had been thrown further than she’d thought. Still, the coiled tension in her chest refused to release, not even when she rejoined Hopper and the others. She watched as Hopper hugged El tight, kissing her hair that was slowly growing back. She was reminded of her mother, and how she was trying her best these days. She should really stop making it so hard for everyone around her. 

Why didn’t she believe they were truly looking out for her? Maybe because, on the whole, they were making it hard to believe. When she was Solider Nancy, she didn’t have feelings. She didn’t get hurt. She wasn’t afraid of anything. It seemed like when she turned into Nancy Wheeler again, that perception didn’t change. At least, that was how she saw things. She let out a breath, then broke down into a coughing fit.

“Alright, we should get out of here,” Robin said firmly, wrapping an arm around Nancy. “We’ve been in here for way too long.”

“Yeah, I agree,” Eddie sighed. “I might be used to this place, but that doesn’t mean that I like it.”

And so began the journey home. But Robin kept Nancy at the back of the group, rather than at the front of it.

“What?” Nancy looked at her.

Robin kissed her.

“Hang on just a little longer,” she whispered. “I’ll carry you on my back if I have to.”

“What are you talking about? I feel fine.”

“You don’t look fine. You’re pale and swaying.”

“Robin,” Nancy said softly, but just then spots appeared in her vision. Before she could pass out, Robin picked her up and carried her on piggyback.

“I’ve got you,” Robin assured her. “Just relax. I’ll bring you home.”

“Robin,” she said again.

“I mean it, nothing is gonna stop me.”

“I know…” Nancy laid her head on Robin’s back, comforted. “Thank you.” She tried to fight the urge to fall asleep right there, but her eyes felt heavy, and she couldn’t resist for very long. The last thing she remembered was Robin’s voice, but she couldn’t understand the words.

Chapter 13: Unmoored In The Dark

Your time is almost up, Nancy.

Nancy awoke with a gasp. She was in her bed. At home. Safe. Relatively, anyway. Well, it was several steps up from being in the hospital again. She sighed and sat up. The smells of…was it lunch or dinner? Her stomach snarled, but she ignored it for now. She was about to get out of bed when a voice in the doorway startled her.

“You should eat, Nancy,” Robin said. Clearly, this wasn’t meant to be a debate. It was one that Nancy had no energy to contend with. “At least a little bit. Come on.”

Well, she could stall a little at least. She had that level of control still.

“How long was I out?”

“A few hours. You definitely needed the rest. You have lost a lot of blood.”

Nancy looked down at her outfit. Someone had changed her clothes. She hadn’t even remembered another nosebleed. She had been so focused on finding El. That was a little jarring. She was not just losing time, but her sense of self, at least so far as not being able to tell what was going on with her own body.

“Robin-”

“Nancy.” She shivered as Robin’s hands took hers. She felt like she was floating, disconnected from the moment like a puppet cut from its strings. If she blinked or moved too hard, she would collapse.

I’m coming. There is nothing you can do to stop this.

“Agh, your nose again,” Robin said softly, wiping the blood away. “Sit. Maybe I can convince your mom to let you have dinner in here. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it since I’ll be with you.”

“In here?” Nancy repeated. “No I’m not-”

“Don’t,” Robin cut in. “Don’t start.”

“I’m sorry.” Guilt pooled in her chest. The guilt was a cavern she could fall into and never reach the bottom of, she was certain of that. That was something she was never in short supply of.

“Hey, hey, we’ll get you through this,” Robin assured her, squeezing her hand. “You just gotta fight it. I’m here , Nance. I’m here. See? I’m not going anywhere. Nothing you do can make me disappear.”

“I don’t think…you can…” Nancy slid off the bed.

“What are you saying?”

Chime

Chime

Chime

Chime

Chime

“I’m sorry Robin.”

“Nancy, NO!”

She sucked in a breath and turned. Vecna stood before her and she walked up to him, no longer afraid of his presence. She should’ve let the fear stay. For now, she was in a far worse situation than she could’ve imagined. She blinked and he was gone. In the hallway, her mother was bloody and unconscious. So much for recovering from her injuries. Beyond that, down the stairs, was her brother Mike. His arm was missing and blood splattered the stairs. Holly was nowhere to be seen, neither was her father.

“You see, Nancy, this is what is coming for you.”

“Leave them alone,” Nancy said. “Take me, just take me, but leave them alone!”

She could hear the lyrics to her favorite Heart song, but it was coming from far away. Too far. Whatever tunnel she could go through before wasn’t appearing. It wasn’t working. She had to find another way out. But did she even deserve to? She refocused on the carnage around her and Vecna, who had closed the gap between them. His hand stretched out over her face.

Someone is kissing me —

Nancy’s eyes fluttered open. She fell limp in Robin’s arms as her lips pressed against her own harder, more desperate, almost animalistic. She wanted to respond in kind and show the taller girl that she was here, she was present, and this felt too nice to–

“I don’t think so.”

“No, Rob–”

His hand was closer now.

Blink. She was back with Robin, gasping in her arms.

“Nancy, Nancy, stay with me,” Robin pleaded. “Please.”

“Trying,” Nancy responded weakly. “He k-keeps trying to pull me back. I don’t know how much longer I can fight.”

“You’re the strongest person I know,” Robin said. “You can do anything. You really can. You gotta tell him to fuck off. Let go of all that.”

Blink. Nails were about to dig in.

“NO!!!!!!”

She opened her eyes and was back in her bedroom now. She wiped blood from her nose, breathing heavily. It felt like he had left her head. At least enough of a retreat to allow her to think more clearly. Maybe he’d leave her alone for a little bit.

“Good, Nance, good,” Robin murmured. “How about dinner now?”

She headed down the stairs and was relieved to sink into a warm meal, even if it was difficult to eat. Still, she at least made an effort for her family’s sake. She could feel her mother’s eyes on her the entire time, but she said nothing about it. Before she could escape the kitchen with her mostly untouched plate on the counter, her mother pulled her closer to the sink.

“What happened upstairs?” Karen asked.

“It’s…getting worse,” Nancy admitted. “Robin managed to save me this time.” 

Karen brushed her hair from her face and sighed, her face pinched up with concern. Nancy wanted to pull away, but she didn’t. It took a conscious effort, but she managed to remain still and let her mother fuss over her.

“I wish there was something I could do,” she breathed, putting a hand on her cheek. Nancy shivered at the contact.

In the background, Nancy could hear Mike and Will arguing over what game to play as their voices faded out down the basement stairs. Her father was attempting to get Holly to finish dinner. Just a normal night. For everyone else, that is. For her, normal hadn’t been possible since she was fifteen. When all of this was over, they could go back and move forward. Not her. The loss she had was permanent and even if Barb somehow could come back, it would never be the same again.

“I think this has to be my fight, Mom,” Nancy said at last. “Don’t worry, I’ll fend him off so he won’t hurt any of you.”

Mike’s footsteps came thundering back up the stairs, then stopped in the doorway. She frowned and went to check on her brother. He was a boy always in motion, it wasn’t like him to just stop like that. Also, wasn’t he just about to do something in the basement? The whole thing was too bizarre to ignore.

“Mike?” 

No answer. She pulled the basement door open the rest of the way. His eyes were a blank white and his nose was bleeding.

“Mike.”

Nancy shook him, panic striking her. No, no, no, no! Not him. Not her little brother. Her baby brother. Not him. Anything but this.

“Wake up, Mike! Please!” She sobbed.

It was too late. He started lifting into the air. Where was everyone else? Where was anyone in the world that could help her? Why did she have to witness this horror all alone? Nancy tugged at Mike’s lifeless arm, but it was useless. He was going to die, and there was nothing she could do about it.

“NANCY!”

Her eyes flew open. Robin was in front of her, not Mike. Mike was off to the side, watching helplessly and holding Will’s hand. To her left was her mother, just as frantic and worried. She stumbled into her girlfriend with a surprised gasp.

“Almost lost you,” Robin choked out. “We gotta get him to stop for good. What the hell do we do now, Mike?”

“We gotta kill the guy,” Mike said. “I’m calling Lucas. First thing tomorrow, we are going into The Upside Down.”

“Absolutely not, without a plan?” Karen scoffed. “You’re all just children! You can’t throw yourselves into the line of fire like this!”

“We already have,” Nancy said quietly. “Some of us more than others. Come on, Mom, you know this. We’ve been the only ones equipped to handle this the whole time.”

“Can you teach me to shoot, Nance?” Mike asked.

“If you promise to be careful.”

“I’ll call everyone over here so we can plan. Hopefully Max can come with us. She’s not able to do much, but I know she’ll be pissed if she gets left out.”

“Mike, do we even know how to kill him?” Will spoke up.

“Nancy, you are staying here,” Karen said firmly. “Regardless of–”

“Who is going to protect these kids?”

“I am,” Robin chimed in.

“I can’t just—” Nancy protested, but Robin pulled her to the couch to sit and it seemed like she no longer had a say in things.

“You need to rest,” Robin insisted. “You’ve done enough for today.”

“Yeah it’s our turn!” Will straightened himself. “Mike can look after me. Robin too.”

“There has to be something ,” Nancy said. “Maybe I can…do what Max did and cause a diversion.”

“Are you out of your mind?!?” Robin exclaimed. “It’s way too risky, especially right now.”

“I agree with Robin,” Karen said. “Nancy, you need rest. Do you even know the meaning of the word?” Nancy didn’t look at her.

“I can’t rest my way out of this curse. It will kill me first.”

“Well you aren’t fighting him,” Robin said firmly. “You’ve done nothing but strain yourself lately. Besides, a confrontation might be what he wants. It could all be a trap. He knows that you feel guilty and would do anything for some form of forgiveness.”

Nancy hadn’t thought of it that way, but what Robin was saying made complete sense. He’d been in her head for weeks now. Of course he would know how she thinks and how to take advantage of it. That didn’t make deciding what to do any easier Their last fight against him had been an abject failure. So, in order to gain the upper hand, they had to do something that he wouldn’t expect. He certainly wouldn’t anticipate Will facing him again.

“Okay,” Nancy said finally. “You guys are right. Mike, Will, and Robin, you guys should go. But we need backup for you. Mom, I can get Holly-”

The chair her little sister was sitting in was empty.

“Where’s Holly?” Karen asked.

Nancy ran into her room, but there was no sign of her. Not even a gate she could have gone through. She sprinted back down the stairs and spotted a man in a tweed brown suit and fedora taking Holly by the hand, like he was Willy Wonka showing off his factory. Her eyes widened. Who the hell was that? She threw the front door open.

“Holly!”

“What are you doing, Nancy?” Holly demanded. “Leave me alone with my friend.”

“He’s not your friend.” Nancy stormed up to her little sister and grabbed her hand. “We’re going back inside.”

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Holly retorted, struggling in her grip. “Let go of me! Mom!” Nancy had no idea when her little sister had become such a brat, but she did not have time for these antics.

“Nancy is right.” Karen appeared in the doorway. “I’ve got her, Nancy, you get some food in you.”

Nancy released her little sister and turned back. The mystery stranger that she knew to be Henry, Vecna, One, whatever one chose to call him…was gone. Of course he was. Why would he stick around if he wasn’t about to get what he wanted at that moment? She shook her head and made her way inside. Maybe the rest of the evening could finally get on without any further incidents. She didn’t think she could handle one more thing. As she stared at her plate and attempted to eat more than a few bites, she had this sinking, suffocating feeling of dread consuming her. She put down her fork, having eaten less than a quarter of what was in front of her. She looked at her girlfriend, who was observing her.

“It’s okay,” Robin whispered. “You tried.”

That night, Nancy curled up and listened to the sounds of Mike and Will gearing up to head into the Upside Down, while she was stuck here, unable to do a thing. She hated feeling this powerless, but she didn’t think she had the strength to keep fighting either. If she kept playing with death, it would come for her in a most unexpected and unwelcome way. But deep down, that little voice kept whispering that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if she joined Barb on the other side. It didn’t matter that her family loved her and was actually trying now or that Robin loved her or that Joyce understood and didn’t judge her, no matter how many public mental breakdowns she had. They’d be better off, eventually. Wouldn’t they? She shut her eyes and silently pleaded for sleep to come before she could do something reckless. But even in sleep, there was no relief. Vecna chased her down and gave her visions of her worst ever fear: being alone. She spent the night sleeping in spurts and waking in a cold sweat, mumbling and begging for Robin to hold her until the fear subsided. And she did, every time, trying to reassure her that it was going to be alright.

One question did keep coming back to her, though. What did that bastard want with her sister? Why take her? What was the point? The more she tried to make sense of it, the more her head began to hurt and she couldn’t tolerate it any longer. As the sun rose, she fell into a dreamless sleep at last, something so rare these days she had forgotten what it felt like. She didn’t fully wake up until much later on to the smell of food in the kitchen. Her stomach ached with hunger. Spots appeared in her vision when she sat up, rubbing her eyes.

“Finally you’re up,” Robin said from the doorway. 

“No nightmares…” Nancy blinked. “How-?”

“You probably don’t remember, do you. I gave you a sleep aid when the nightmares wouldn’t stop.”

“Do you still want me?” Nancy asked suddenly.

“Huh?” Robin approached her. “Nance, what are you talking about?”

“I’m just wondering, because, well, I’m sure me being a curse and just a general mess is a real turn off. I know it would be for anyone else. And I don’t remember you being affectionate all that much since the hospital the other day.” Before Robin could speak, Nancy plowed forward, the thoughts from last night bubbling up like a pot about to boil over. “It would just be best if everyone ignored me like before, you know, I’m not worth all this trouble. It’s never going to get better and you know it. As long as he’s out there, Robin, it’s gonna keep getting worse and worse.”

“Nancy.”

She felt a hand on her cheek and looked up at Robin. Her eyes were like diamonds, multifaceted and piercing all the way into her soul. There was no saying no to those eyes, it would be like attempting to refuse gravity while plummeting from a plane. Nancy was powerless to both her touch and the intense look she was being given. 

“I know,” she mumbled after a moment, finally tearing her gaze away. “Sorry, I let my mind get carried away.”

Slam.

“What was that?” Karen yelled from downstairs.

“I don’t know…” Nancy finally got herself out of bed.

She threw clothes on and went down the stairs. Was he trying to take Holly again? Now was so not the time. She couldn’t do anything to help her if he did. She couldn’t do anything to help anyone right now. It made her feel weak, which only made her want to drive herself further down the path of darkness. As predicted, Holly was gone. She wasn’t even outside where she had been just yesterday. Nancy finally entered the kitchen and saw her plate was ready and waiting for her. Chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese. She resisted the urge to swipe it off the table.

“Sit,” Karen commanded. “We need to talk.”

Nancy sat in the chair, but she didn’t make an effort to touch her meal yet. Why should she? Why would she? She was aware of Robin coming down the stairs, but she didn’t look at her. Now she had even more of an audience. Sure, she’d felt hungry when she had woken up, but now that she was staring food in the face, she had no urge to answer the call to hunger. Her mother might as well be offering her acid and sawdust.

“What’s going on, Mom?” Nancy frowned as her mother sat across from her. She looked to her left to see Robin digging into a grilled cheese sandwich.

Where did her father go?

His La-Z-Boy had been empty since she came down that afternoon, she realized, and his things for work were still here, but his shoes by the door weren’t. She looked at her mother again, ready for an explanation.

“I’m divorcing your father.”

“Wait, really? Because of me?” Nancy stared in shock. “Mom, you really don’t need to go to such lengths on my behalf.”

“It’s not just that.” Karen shook her head. “It’s a multitude of things. You ending up in the hospital and Ted still refusing to take responsibility was the final straw for me. You don’t need to worry about money or anything. I’m looking for a job right now.”

Nancy picked up her sandwich as her mother spoke. She shouldn’t. She really, really shouldn’t. But she was so hungry that she was dizzy and her head ached, and she missed her mother’s cooking more than anything. She separated the crust from the rest of the sandwich. Finally it seemed less overwhelming and she started eating the crust first. Her mother made no comment on the strange way she was eating. 

“What’s going to happen now?” Nancy asked. “I know Holly is going to want to see him.”

“I don’t know, Nancy,” Karen sighed. “Everything is so up in the air right now, with…” 

She gestured vaguely. She didn’t have to elaborate. They both knew, more than knew. It was an imprint on both of their souls. Nancy wanted nothing more than to take that from her, and hold it inside herself like she had for years already. It would kill you. This insidious voice wasn’t Vecna, and she knew that she had to stop blaming every little negative thought she had on him. It was her. It had always been her, she’d just been in denial this whole time. Accepting the realization, though, didn’t make her feel better. She pushed her plate forward. She couldn’t make herself eat another bite, and it hadn’t been many to begin with.

“Nancy,” Robin said, scooting closer to her. “You gotta try to eat.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay.” Robin looked at the soup. “Can you have soup?”

Nancy picked up her spoon. One at a time. It took almost half an hour. Robin rubbed her back when the bowl was totally empty. She wasn’t sure why she was still being tended to so kindly when a damn grilled cheese sandwich made her want to burst into tears. She looked at her girlfriend, about to ask the question, but Robin shook her head, as if knowing what she was about to say.

“No matter how hard it gets, I’m still gonna be here. I don’t wanna hear any more arguments on this, Nance. If you ask me, though, I’ll be sure to remind you. But you should know by now what the truth is. You know how I feel about you.”

“I do?” Nancy looked into her face. For this one moment, she felt anchored.

“Yes, you do, I didn’t think I had to say it, but if you need me to, I will.” Robin squeezed her hands.

The sinking feeling paused, then stopped. She sucked in a breath, then let it out. Again. Shadows crawled away to hide. She breathed in and out and the clouds parted further for her. She opened her eyes, looking at Robin once again. You’re okay.

“No,” Nancy replied at last, realizing she meant it. “I want you to say it when you mean it, not when you feel forced to just to make me feel better.”

Robin nodded. “Alright. Well that’s good. Don’t beat yourself up too much about things right now. Shit is awful, and you just are dealing with it in an even more awful way. I’m only getting onto you like this so much because you’re important to me. I don’t want to lose you, you have so much life left to live and you’ve got so many people here that love you. Even if you don’t see it right now.”

Karen approached the pair at the table. 

“I hate to interrupt, but Holly’s been missing for a couple hours now.”

Nancy was about to spring into action, but Robin held a hand up and grabbed her walkie, making sure it was on a specific channel before speaking into it.

“Russian Guru to Lovebirds, you guys copy? Over.”

Silence.

More silence.

Nancy felt she might explode from the anxiety. Then she finally heard Mike’s voice crackle onto the walkie.

“Really? Lovebirds? That should be you guys. Over.” Nancy heard Will’s quiet laughter in the background.

“I have a question. You guys spotted Vecna anywhere? Over.”

“Not yet, why? Over.”

“He’s got Holly,” Robin grumbled. “This just became a time sensitive issue. Over.”

“Shit!” Mike cursed. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Robin, it could be a trap,” Nancy said. “For Mike, probably. And for Will. Maybe we should sound the retreat. Over.”

“But what if we’re close?” Mike whined. “I can feel it, maybe we are nearby. We gotta end this Nancy, we gotta! Over…”

“So if they can’t do it, and we can’t-” Nancy ran a hand through her hair. “Robin, what are we going to do? We can’t just keep letting him take ground like this.”

“I’m calling Steve.” Robin set her jaw and switched channels. “Yo, Harrington! Where you at?”

“This is Eddie Munson, how may I direct your call?”

“What the hell are you doing with Steve?” Robin huffed.

“I know what he’s doing with Steve,” Nancy mumbled, but nobody acknowledged her.

“Hey, that’s my business. What do you want, anyway?”

“Get Steve over here to keep an eye on Nancy, will you? I need to go into the gate and help Mike and Will find Holly.”

“Eddie, give me the damn walkie!” Steve said from a distance. After a moment, his voice was clearer. “Sorry, was in the bathroom. Where are you guys?”

“Home,” Robin said. “How soon can you get here?”

“Uhh, like twenty minutes? Why?”

“I need you on Nancy watch while I help Mike.”

“Nancy watch?” Steve chuckled. “She needs a babysitter now?”

“This isn’t a joke,” Robin snapped. “She’s been hurting herself, she’s been starving herself, and I’m about to lose my goddamn mind because I don’t even know if what I’m doing is enough to help her!”

Nancy shrank a little as Robin unloaded on Steve with her sitting right there. Watching.

“Uh, Robin,” Steve said quietly. “She’s still there, I think.”

“I’m sorry,” Robin sighed. “Nancy…I shouldn’t have said that.”

Nancy turned and went back to her room. What else was there to do? What should she even say? She had no power over her life at the moment. Except for what she could do to herself. But nobody wanted her doing that. It was bad. Very bad. But it was all she had. Wasn’t it? She had other things. Before. Didn’t she? It was so hard to think. So hard. She curled up on her bed and sighed.

Even she is tired of you.

Let it happen. Just let it happen. She’s tired of being a caretaker, basically. Nancy was putting far too much on Robin and she knew it. She could hear Vecna approaching again. All she had to do was let one final bit of hope fade away and then he’d take her. She assumed that was how this  worked. He must’ve been waiting for her to give up. Blood gushed from her nose. It didn’t stop this time. It refused to stop. She couldn’t even cry out for help before it all went dark. She could feel someone picking her up just after that, or was it hours later? She wasn’t sure, really.

“...rry I’m sorry Nancy, please don’t-”

“Robin, try to calm down. We have to get her to wake up.”

Things faded out, then back in. Her hand was being held. Was she in a tub? She felt like she was halfway somewhere else. If she concentrated, she could wander the void El often went into. She drifted closer to that. The sensation of the world around her disappeared as suddenly as it had come into focus. She could see Holly, unconscious and held up by vines. She was alive. Before she could reach her, she was back in the tub again, sort of.

“...her, you know,” Robin’s voice said as she became aware of it once again. “They’re fighting Vecna, and Joyce and Hopper are getting Holly out of there. El is helping. We’re gonna beat this. We’re gonna win, Nancy. I want you to win too.”

I’m here…I’m just so tired…

“I think I felt her hand twitch.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Nancy wanted to open her eyes so badly. To look at Robin.

“You love her…don’t you.”

“So much. I can’t stand it.”

“Haven’t you told her?” Steve asked after another brief silence. Or maybe it was a long one. Time was difficult for Nancy now.

“She all but said she didn’t want me to say it. Not unless I actually wanted to. I mean I kind of felt some relief from that, but it has me thinking, what if she doesn’t? Steve, I don’t know if I could bear it. Getting rejected again.”

Nancy tried once again to wake up. Everything felt so heavy. I fucking love you. I love you. I’m sorry. Please. I love you.

“Nancy’s got these horrible abandonment issues and you think she’s gonna reject you?” Steve snorted. “Yeah sure. Robin, she adores the hell out of you. I see how she looks at you when you’re not looking.”

ROBIN!!!!

She could feel Robin’s hand now, squeezing hard.

“Nancy? Nancy!!!”

“When Henry had that coma, it lasted for a week.” El?

“It’s been almost two…” Nancy could feel Robin’s face in her chest. Was she crying? She had to get back, she had to. Robin needed her. She couldn’t leave her behind. She was a fool for thinking that giving up was an option. It was, but, it was the worst possible one.

“She’s been cleaned up, then?” Her mother.

“Yeah.” Robin sighed shakily. “She still won’t wake up. She’s responding to my voice. I know she can hear me, but it’s like she’s stuck somewhere.”

“She’s incredibly weak,” Karen said. “Her body needs the rest. True rest isn’t something that comes to Nancy easily, you know that. And now she has an opportunity to play catch up after neglecting herself for months and months. It’s best we give her that time, and try not to rush things. Nancy will feel pressured, and then she wouldn’t be properly recovered from this ordeal. Even Hawkins is taking its time to heal from the damage that horrible place has done to it. The gates are being closed a little at a time. Like a wound healing…slowly. Ever so slowly.”

There was a brief pause. Nancy was relaxed at the sound of her mom’s voice. It was okay if she couldn’t wake up then. It was really okay. She slumped back. Someone was dressing her. Probably Robin. She was also being hooked up to something. It was then she realized there had to be a way she was getting nutrients. Probably a feeding tube. Her awareness faded out again before she could hear the rest of whatever conversation was happening. She wanted to scream in frustration, but all she could do was lie there, time going by without her. Life was going on without her. She had dreamed of a peaceful world. One where things didn’t hurt anymore and she could just live. Now that it had been achieved, she couldn’t even enjoy it. She was in a state that wasn’t quite dead or alive. Some sort of limbo she couldn’t break from no matter how hard she tried. Maybe she should stop trying, then. She did need the rest, after all, as her mother had stated. And she was so very tired.

“Did you say something, Karen?”

“No.”

“Nance? Babe? Was that you?”

“Rrrrrrrrrr-”

She was still lost in darkness. She was close to the surface, she could almost breathe. Then she was pulled down again. She could do it though? Maybe? Something was showing her that it was possible, if she could only just not give up. If she could only just persist. If she was capable of making a noise again, she would, but she was locked into silence once more.

“She almost woke up,” Robin breathed. “Oh my god. I literally saw it.”

“You need sleep, Robin. You’ve been up for days. She’s not going anywhere.”

“I can’t sleep until she returns to me.”

“That’s why I’ve got medicine to help. You think it’s easy for me? I’m a mother three times over. You sleep when you can.”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” Robin laughed a bit. “So, uh, you’ll watch her then? For me?”

“Of course, sweetie. Please just get some sleep. Okay? Maybe having you next to her will help.”

It did. Robin’s arms around her were an anchor to reality. Things shifted from a dark, watery world to one with muted colors. She was dreaming again. She wasn’t wandering quite so aimlessly, at least not in darkness. Here where there was something to look at, she was going through memories. Memories of her and Robin. All the way from the beginning, when they met at Starcourt Mall, to now, two lovers forever entwined. Nancy could stay here forever, really, it was so much nicer than the dark. But it wasn’t the waking world. She had to return there. But how? She couldn’t so much as open her eyes. How was she supposed to wake up when something was gluing them shut? What if..

What if she didn’t do that? What if she just thought about it first, like she thought up these memories? She decided she had nothing left to lose. So she imagined herself opening her eyes. Once, twice, ten times, a hundred. It was becoming second nature. The colors were more defined. She could feel her environment as well as hear it. Everything around her felt warmer, colder, actual temperature could be felt on her skin. She could sense her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. She was almost there. She just had to push through whatever seal was there, and then she’d be home.

After another space of time, Nancy cracked her eyes open into light.

Chapter 14: Sunny Days

Notes:

Hi guys, sorry for the long gap again, life gets in the way as you know. But this will be the final chapter of How To Come Out In The Apocalypse. I'd like to thank everyone for all the kudos, all the comments, even the silent readers who haven't really interacted in any way. Also, season 5 is coming, isn't that awesome!? What better way to welcome this final chapter than to close this one and start a new era in my fanfics. Anyway, enjoy, and stay tuned for things coming in the future!

“Okay okay,” Robin said breathlessly, turning the lights off so they wouldn’t hurt Nancy’s eyes. “You’re okay, baby. You were out for awhile.”

“H-How…how long?” How long was she lost? How much more time did she lose? How much more of her life was wasted because she was so weak?

“Shh don’t worry about that right now,” Robin soothed. “You[re here, you’re awake, and everyone is safe. That is all you need to know at the moment.”

Nancy wasn’t so sure she believed that. But when she sat up and rubbed her eyes, she could sense something was profoundly different. Her headache was gone. She felt weak, sure, and frozen to the bone, but that connection to the pure evil that was Vecna had vanished. For good this time. She slid off the bed and stumbled, dizzy beyond measure as she tried to walk for the first time in ages. She froze when Robin nudged her back to the bed. Not yet? She wanted nothing more than to be on her feet and to look at the sun. So she tried again. And again. After several more attempts, she was able to stand for more than a few seconds and went to the window. No more particles. No more creatures with blood in their teeth haunting the streets and stalking their prey on the daily. No more constant fearing for their lives. It was over, but it had also just begun. 

The hardest part would be rebuilding. Healing. Mourning. Moving on. Moving forward. Nancy knew that quite well. She took a deep breath, then let it out. The real work had to begin. She was willing to do it. With Robin by her side, it would be easier. With her mother there to catch her when she fell, it would be less terrifying. She turned and saw the spots in her vision again. She didn’t fight it when Robin forced her to sit back down on the bed.

“Just try to take it easy,” Robin murmured. “Okay? You have a long way to go before you’re healed. Vecna almost killed you. We had to send just about everyone out there to finish things off.”

“Okay.” Nancy looked at her. “How long was I out?”

“Three weeks, four days, seven hours. Not that anyone was counting.”

“Jesus.” Nancy sighed. She looked at herself to see there were no tubes or any sign she’d had any. “Do I want to know how I was taken care of?”

“Only if you really want to, Nance.”

She decided that was more information than she needed right then and changed the subject.

“I guess I should eat something.”

“Yes,” Robin agreed. “You should.”

As if on cue, her mother came in with a breakfast tray. She set it aside and sprinted to her, hugging her. Nancy didn’t fight it. She let herself be practically smothered in the scent of her perfume. There was nothing about this that felt embarrassing now. She sighed as Karen pulled away and examined her.

“After a month,” Karen sighed. “You’re finally up.”

“A month ?!?” Nancy shot an accusatory glance at Robin. Why hadn’t she been warned? Robin just shrugged in reply.

“Suppose it’s good I didn’t go to sleep after all,” Robin said to Karen. “I would’ve missed her waking up…” She yawned. “Now I’m satisfied. For real. You have breakfast, Nance. Okay? We can talk more later.”

Nancy knew that there was no more delaying it. In order to continue the rest of her life, she had to fuel herself. She couldn’t argue with that. So she took the tray to the living room to allow Robin to sleep. Mike wasn’t there. Neither was Holly. And of course, her father was not here. She had a million questions, but she knew she wouldn’t be allowed to ask a single one until she picked up that fork. It should be simple. It was anything but, though. Her hand shook as she cut into the single pancake and egg. One bite, another, another. It didn’t taste scary. It tasted homemade, like love was put into it. Before she knew it, most of her plate was empty and she felt like she couldn’t manage any more. She looked up to see her mother entering the room.

“I’m sure you are wondering what you missed out there,” she said. “I’m going to be honest here, I’m likely not the best person to explain that to you. So I gave Joyce a call. She’s gonna come talk to you.”

“Good, you know I hate…”

“...not knowing things.” Karen smiled a bit and rubbed her cheek. “Yes. I’m well aware by now. If you get hungry again later try to eat something else. I have to go, I have an interview at a salon.”

“Where’s Holly?”

“Up in her room. She’s been asking about you.”

That was her next destination while she waited for Joyce. Keeping busy right now would prevent some kind of spiral from being out of the loop for so long. She’d get the information she needed soon. She just had to wait. That was something she was not great at doing, even as a child. She recalled one Christmas where she couldn’t stand to not know what “Santa” got her one year and tearing apart the whole house at eight years old. Her father was furious, but her mother was beyond amused, said she had been close, and gave her a kiss on the head. It was things like this that reminded her she indeed had a life worth living here. She tried to organize her thoughts as she pushed the door to Holly’s room open.

“Nancy!” Holly blurted, running to her. “I thought I was never gonna see you again, and then when Will and Mike rescued me, we all found out you were asleep for ever so long. I thought you were never going to wake up.”

This poor child has seen things she never should’ve.

Nancy put a hand on her cheek and sighed. “It’s all over now, Hols, I’m okay. I promise.”

“Promise?” Holly whispered before hugging her. “You still look sick. And I’m scared.”

Nancy felt something inside her shatter at those words. For the first time, she was beginning to realize what she had done to herself and how it was affecting everyone around her. They were convinced she was not going to make it. It would take some time to prove otherwise. With the supernatural evil gone, she could focus on banishing the rest of the darkness that still lingered. In comparison, it seemed like a far more doable task now. Out of habit, though, she waited and listened for any sign of Vecna in her mind. Nothing but her own thoughts echoed back to her, like she was shouting into a cave and expecting a response. 

“Holly,” she whispered. “Listen to me, okay?” Her little sister nodded, her young eyes wide with the odd mix of innocence and war-torn horror that Nancy wished she could take away. She sucked in a breath and continued, knowing everything that she said next was essential to her sister coping well with this.

“I swear to you I’m going to get better. It’s gonna take some time, and it definitely won’t be easy. But the worst is over. You won’t have to see me in a hospital again. Okay? There will only be the sunniest of days.”

Holly nodded. “Okay.”

There was a knock at the door. Showtime. Nancy sprinted down the stairs before the noise could wake Robin, even though she could likely sleep through a tornado. She threw the door open and smiled upon seeing Joyce for the first time in weeks. Their last talk had been fraught with emotion, but now it felt like there was hope again. She gasped when Joyce pulled her into a hug.

“Thank god,” Joyce sighed. “I’m glad you are alright.”

“I will be,” Nancy replied honestly. “Now go on, catch me up. I have lost enough of my life as it is.”

Ten minutes later, the two women both had coffee and were at the kitchen table. Nancy was reminded of the time her mother had forced her to open up in this very spot. Not too long ago. Oh how much had changed. Now she was craving connection more than anything in the world. And it wasn’t scary. It was natural. 

Joyce wasted no time in filling her in. After she had lost consciousness, Mike and Will had gone beyond the rift to locate Holly and bring her home. There they found El with Hopper also exploring. So they all met there together and found something none of them had ever expected: a massive fleshy wall at the edge of the Upside Down Hawkins. Once the barrier was broken, they found themselves somewhere new.  There was a final battle against Vecna, and then they found Holly. After that, they made a quick escape and El spent days closing the massive rift creating a scar all over Hawkins. As time passed, the town began to return to normal. And so did life. They held a mass funeral for all the lives lost over the months since the rift had opened. Eddie was pardoned. Max was finally able to walk with only a walker and required assistance for her low vision. Jonathan got accepted into a college that he seemed thrilled about, seeming to finally have his life figured out.

“So…tell me,” Joyce murmured over their second cup of coffee. “What was it like?”

“Hell,” Nancy whispered. “I had no sense of time, but I could hear everything around me. I just couldn’t…wake up. I did, eventually, figure out how to do it. If I hadn’t, I would still be stuck in bed right now.”

The door opened and Karen walked inside with a bright smile on her face. Nancy definitely did not want to think about her long Vecna induced coma any longer, not when there were so many good things happening.

“I got the job,” she announced cheerfully. 

“Oh my god, that’s awesome!” Nancy beamed. “Maybe we can go out to dinner and celebrate?”

Karen blinked in surprise, but smiled back at her daughter. “Of course we can.”

The days that followed turned to weeks. Nancy got her high school diploma at the end of July, passing with flying colors. She sought out a therapist on the regular and ensured she would have one for the college she planned on attending, Emerson. She was offered a full ride, and Robin tagged along, the proud girlfriend. When August rolled around, and it was time to say goodbye to Hawkins, Nancy was surprised at how much she actually cried at leaving this place behind. Of course, visits were always welcome, but for the first time in her life, this town was no longer wholly her home. Robin was.

November 6th, 1986

Nancy entered the dorm to find Robin there already, studying for a test. She kissed her happily then made a beeline for the kitchen, grabbing a yogurt, an orange, and a granola bar for a balanced snack before collapsing into her favorite spot: the corner seat on the couch. She switched on the television and sighed in satisfaction. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was airing on TV so she tuned in to the iconic scene of Lando betraying Han Solo and his friends. She bit into the now open granola bar and smiled.

“What’s got you so happy, huh?” Robin chuckled as she looked up from her work.

“I just…had a really good session today. A lot of crying, a lot of throwing stuff. And I just feel good now.” Nancy glanced up at her and realized she should really get to her schoolwork soon.

“Well that’s good. I’m surprised to see you relaxing and not busting your ass. I guess you and Helen talked about that too, huh?”

Nancy smiled sheepishly. “Yes. We did. I don’t have anything due for the rest of the week. There is no reason to panic.”

Robin kissed her head. “Cool. Finish your snack and we can hang out, yeah?”

Nancy crushed up the other half of her granola bar into her yogurt and dug in contentedly. She saved the orange for last, having developed quite the sweet tooth in recovery. Not for candy, usually, but fruit. Oranges, strawberries, peaches, nectarines, tangerines, blueberries, raspberries. Anything sweet, tangy, and juicy. It hit her tongue just right and made her happy to be eating, to be alive. A survivor. Before she knew it, her only evidence left was a wrapper, a yogurt container, and an orange peel. She threw her trash away and turned to Robin with a bright smile.

“What did you want me for so badly, Buckley?”

Robin pinned her to the wall with surprising force and started kissing her. Nancy responded in kind and ran her hands up her shirt, breath already coming in desperate and ragged gasps like she was drowning. She would happily drown in her Robin. There would be no regrets. There were no regrets. Not anymore. Barb’s old things stopped gathering dust in the back of her closet. She’d buried the ripped photo with her long gone friend. The bracelet she had given away to Holly. And at long last, that ghost stopped haunting her. It was never Barb accusing her, it was her own mind. Once Helen had let her see that, she was finally able to free herself. At first, the nightmares and panic attacks had gotten real bad, to the point where she stopped going to class and her grades dipped the first few weeks. Once it leveled out, she put the blade down and picked up a fork more willingly.

Now here she was being claimed by Robin for the third time that week, and she was no longer afraid to keep the lights on. She stripped off her shirt and dragged her girlfriend to their bed. It felt good to give up control for her, to let her hands wander wherever they pleased, and eventually her tongue. Her hands tangled in Robin’s hair as her moans and gasps collided together in a rhythm. Her chest heaved up and down and now she really was drowning but she didn’t want it to stop. She begged Robin to keep going. So she did. On and on until Nancy felt that the ability to breathe had long since been lost. She threw her head back and cried out Robin’s name as she crested the high and coasted on it for almost a full minute.

“Yeesh you’re loud,” Robin gasped, licking her lips. “Come on, it’s your turn, baby, I’ve been dying all day here.”

Nancy grinned and pulled Robin down onto the mattress to have her way with her. The remainder of the afternoon was lost to their own pleasure. Afterward, they both cuddled until they fell asleep, just barely waking in time to make it to the dining hall for a late dinner at almost 8 that evening. There were slim pickings, but they were both able to find something they wanted out of what was left.

After dinner, they cuddled on the couch, watching another movie that Nancy couldn’t recall the name of even if she’d been asked directly, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was these precious times with Robin. The clock struck eight. Nancy’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment. They flew open when she felt water drip onto her. Once, twice, and now she was wide awake.

“What…?” Nancy mumbled sleepily.

“The hell was that?” Robin looked up at the ceiling. “Do we have a leak?”

The phone rang. Nancy sprinted to get it.

“Hello?”

“Nance?” Mike’s voice came in from the other end.

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“It’s happening again.”

Drip.

“Shit…” Nancy sighed. “Here we go again.”

To be continued

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Trauma in Hawkins