Chapter Text
Rose Tyler was lying awake in her bed onboard the TARDIS. She got to travel with the love of her life and though the feelings were unspoken, she had started to let herself believe they had been mutual right up until recently. She couldn’t maintain her anger towards Sarah Jane Smith for very long, she was actually a lovely person.
Still, was the Doctor in love with Sarah at some point? Was he in love with Sarah Jane in the past but never in love with Rose? The Doctor had said that he wouldn’t leave her like he did Sarah Jane, does that mean he matured or was Rose special to him in a way the rest of his companions had not been?
He almost said he loved her, but maybe it was only as a mate. Maybe he loved neither of them, maybe he would forget her one day. If any feelings he had for her were only platonic, what would happen if he met someone he really loved and brought her on board? That would be devastating. Yet, it’s possible. Rose honestly had no idea whether she meant anything special to the Doctor at all anymore.
To be honest with herself, why should she hope to be special to him? She was a nobody. An estate shopgirl. She wasn’t a princess or a queen nor could she pass for one. She was a nobody in love with a Lord of Time. Mum had dated a sailor and Keisha’s brother was in the Navy. So Rose knew of the HMS Queen Elizabeth I and also of an American ship, the USS Queen of France. The latter was named after Marie Antoinette.
Maybe that’s the kind of person the Doctor would fall in love with. Maybe if he lowered his standards he’d go for Madam De Pompadour. The uncrowned queen of France might be good enough but how could Rose be enough for a Time Lord? He probably was actual royalty on his home planet.
Rose thought back to the moment the Doctor told her he wouldn’t leave her behind. Trying to replay the words, no not to you, in an attempt to comfort herself. Deep down she knew he meant it. Furthermore, she knew he was trying to tell her she was different and that his feelings for her were unique and special.
Still, Rose tossed and turned and a lump grew in her throat as she recalled how another man by the name of Jimmy Stone also promised never to forksake her. That promise had been a lie.
Rose hated feeling like this. She hated thinking this way. Despite the lump in her throat and the knot in her stomach she shoved the doubts away from her mind. The Doctor was her best friend and she wouldn’t let anything get in the way of that. Of course he was telling her the truth when he said he wouldn’t leave her behind. He wasn’t just another dodgy human bloke. He was so much bigger that. As for her other fear, even if he did fall in love with someone else, he was still her best friend. She decided to try to distract herself by grabbing some chips from the kitchen.
Lo and behold, The Doctor was also milling about the kitchen.
"Up for a midnight snack, eh?” the Doctor smiled at her with his usual devastatingly handsome grin.
"Yeah. Just remembered we had some chips in here. They won’t make me smarter, but I didn’t want them to go bad”
Rose tried to quietly reach for the back of chips sealed on the counter in a zip lock bag. They were a bit soggy, but they would do.
The Doctor was rifling through the fridge in his nightgown and pyjamas. The same ones that Rose’s mum gave her that had belonged to Howard.
“You know what would be interesting, Rose? Being an android. No need to eat. No late night hunger.”
Rose knew she was in for one of the Doctor’s long rants. One of his long adorable rants that she could not keep up with but couldn’t help but love.
The Doctor continued prattling on.“ ‘Course, I wouldn’t want to be one of those clockwork droids. I heard that they will actually kill people to fulfill their programming. I’ve seen a few of them too. Really creepy things. You lot, the humans, resorted to using them instead of me electronic robots in the 51st century since they had become dangerous. Turns out, the clockwork ones were just as dangerous.”
Rose was smiling. This was so typical of him. Just to get fixated on some totally random topic. Only he could think of murderous clockwork men because of rifling through a fridge. He grabbed a cold chicken leg and just started eating it.
The Doctor caught Rose smiling. “What?”
Rose replied, “Only you would think of creepy robots because you’re hungry. What’s with the cold chicken leg anyway? You have a microwave”
"No need. Chicken tastes perfectly fine cold." The Doctor spoke with a mouthful of chicken.
"Whatever." Rose was smiling again.
This man made her smile too much. She then felt sad again about whether he really loved her. She didn’t eat more than five chips because she just wanted to go back to bed.
“Well I think I can sleep now. Night, Doctor.”
Rose headed back to her room without even waiting for a response. She nestled into her sheets and was able to fall asleep this time.
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Rose, The Doctor, and Mickey stepped out onto what looked like an abandoned 51st century spaceship. Immediately something smelled like a Sunday roast. The four of them discovered a an old fashioned fireplace inside the ship. It had a young French girl looking out of it. She was actually in their past while the ship was still most definitely in the fifty-first century. The Doctor asked her name, where she was from, and what year it was. She was named Reinette and was from Paris in 1727.
The Doctor opened a door and disappeared, but Rose was also suddenly watching him. Like a fly on the wall or something. She couldn’t talk or move. They were in the girl’s bedroom on the other side of the fireplace. The Doctor was just talking to the child. Then he saw a strange creepy clock clown-like thing scanning the child’s brain. Terrifying, but Rose could not do anything.
Suddenly, they were back on the spaceship and The Doctor was spraying the clown clock thing with a fire extinguisher. She was also back in her body. The Doctor quickly disappeared behind the door once more.
Rose was with Mickey for a moment before once again she was back as an observer in 18th century France watching The Doctor and an adult Reinette.
He was gushing over her. He was utterly flustered and clearly infatuated. He did not seem to have awareness of Rose being in the room. She couldn’t move but she felt her heart sink. Her stomach felt sick but she could not throw up. The spoke for a little bit and then she suddenly kissed him with fierce intensity and passion. Rose wanted to die. To rub even more salt in the wound, the Doctor discovered she was Madame de Pompadour and was raving about all the easy that she was important and special.
“I’m The Doctor, and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour.” He declared this as if it was the most significant thing to happen in his life.
Rose felt like weeping. She was just an ordinary shop girl with no A-levels. How could she keep up with an uncrowned Queen of France? She was being delusional hoping for returned feelings.
Rose then saw the Doctor step back onto the spaceship, but she still wasn’t back in her body and had no control over where she was going. She just sort of hovered above the Doctor, who just found a horse following him.
Now, they were back in France as the Doctor figured out where the horse had come from. He was outside in an immaculate royal courtyard hiding behind a fence watching Reinette. Hiding to watch her like an obsessed school boy. He gazed so longingly at her. Rose wished she didn’t have to watch this but of course there was no way out. She had no control whatsoever.
Rose switched back into her body standing next to Mickey on the spaceship. She breathed a sigh of relief. Then she saw The Doctor but this time she could talk again.
She pretended not to know what just happened.“Oh here’s trouble. What have you been up to?”
"Oh this and that. Became the imaginary friend of a French aristocrat, picked a fight with a clockwork man…. Oh and I met a horse”
The Doctor seemed to have this proud look on his face as he talked. It was sickening to Rose, even though she knew she had no right to be sickened.
The horse appeared and Mickey and The Doctor argued about what it was doing there.
Rose would normally go up and pet the horse. She loved animals, but even a horse couldn’t comfort her now. She even zoned out on what the rest of The Doctor was saying at first. Only noticing Reinette again through a time window mirror thing. He mentioned how remarkable she was, right in front of her. She was beautiful. Her face was gorgeous and her figure was full but still slim. Rose did feel slightly better when she heard he was the mistress of King Louis XV. At least she was somewhat taken, although obviously had a strong disregard for fidelity.
Suddenly, a clockwork figure appeared through the mirror and The Doctor sprang after Reinette back to France. This time Rose and Mickey followed. Rose was in 18th century France in her own body for the first time. Somehow Rose remembered the clockwork things had used a human heart on the ship. After some talking, the four of them worked out that they were after Reinette’s brain to fix the spaceship. It had been using multiple parts from different humans but for some reason wanted Reinette’s brain specifically. It suddenly transported away.
The Doctor was shouting hysterically, “It’s back on the ship! Rose, take Mickey and Arthur and follow it!”
"Arthur?” Rose asked
“Good name for a horse.” The Doctor replied urgently.
Rose would normally find this cute. Normally she too would love the horse. She was so upset though. The Doctor had never put her safety in jeopardy like this. Not so readily. He had to know those things might be after her but Reinette seemed more important.
She felt herself respond with, “No, you’re not keeping the horse.”
The Doctor was even more frantic. “I’m letting you keep Mickey, now GO GO GO!”
She was back on the spaceship for a moment but then out of her body again watching the Doctor and Reinette. He created a psychic link with her to figure out why the clockwork people wanted her. It was for a practical purpose but it still hurt. The Doctor never did that with her. He even called her “Oh, dear Reinette.”
Then she was back in her body again and with Mickey, who was so excited to rub the situation in her face. “That Doctor, eh? Madame De Pompadour, Sarah Jane Smith, Cleopatra?”
Rose tried to protest that “at least he only mentioned Cleopatra once.”
Soon after that conversation, they were kidnapped by the clockwork figures.
The Doctor truly risked her life over this French woman she just met. Whether or not he was in love with her, she still couldn’t believe he would ever put a stranger’s safety ahead of hers like this. He couldn’t even barricade that Dalek off a second time when it came to keeping her safe. He lost his mind when Cassandra had her body. He learned how to sculpt so he could make a statue of her that would save her life. A detailed sculpture he did just from memory. He was horrified when he thought she’d been turned stone forever and even said she was pretty. He had even, however briefly, kissed her on the lips after that Roman ordeal. Why did he stop caring about her all of a sudden?
Rose was unconscious and then back to being an invisible fly on the wall watching The Doctor and Reinette. He observed her mind and she invaded his back. This really upset him. She said he was lonely. As a little boy and now still. So she really must not have counted. Then she insisted he dance with her and whisked him away.
Rose then started waking up in her own body again. She was lying tied down in restraints by the creepy clock clown. It was just her and Mickey, they spared the horse. She instinctively called for the Doctor, but he didn’t come.
Finally, the Doctor strode in. He was acting drunk and didn't even seem to care that this thing was getting ready to chop her up. He was just going on and on about inventing the banana daiquiri. It's like he was so happy about whatever happened to Reinette she didn't even matter anymore. How could he not care? All he seemed to care about anymore was this Reinette woman.
He finally freed her and Mickey and then told them that the clockwork things were going to go after her when she’s thirty-seven. Many more clockwork clowns had appeared by the time he said that, but then they transported out again. Rose was still angry but she looked at the Doctor’s face and felt empathy. She decided that if this is who he loved then she needs to help him save her.
Rose found a time window and found Reinette when she was about thirty two and told her she had five years and tried to warn her. She tried to calmly explain everything. Reinette was getting angry with Rose, but in Rose’s mind her being a bit testy right now made sense. It wasn’t her fault.
Suddenly Mickey was calling out for Rose. Rose and Reinette entered the spaceship, Rose tried to stop Reinette but she wasn’t having it. She followed. Rose watched Reinette listen to her own screams through the other time windows and felt compassion for her. She asked if she was okay.
Reinette then disappeared after saying “You and I both know the Doctor is worth the monsters.”
Rose hoped it was back to her own time she was dashing off to. She quickly felt her jealousy rise again. This woman seemed to know that she also loved The Doctor.
Now five years later for her, Reinette was screaming. If she died, The Doctor would be heartbroken and Rose would be jealous and also heartbroken for him all at once.
Rose got back to the Doctor and Mickey. The Doctor was running around, acting mad, and not making sense. He even pushed her while he was running about. Her Doctor who she thought would never ever hurt her just body slammed into her like she was nothing. She was so distressed the only things that seemed to make some sense from his panicked ramblings was how there will be no way back once the window is smashed and he was also saying something about how he needed something as heavy as a truck to smash the time window that had thirty seven year old Reinette.
That the time window was so strong because it had plate glass on one side and hyperplex on the other.
Once again, Rose was like a fly on the wall. She was watching as The Doctor found Arthur and rode him through the proper time window. Somehow a horse broke through the glass that only a truck could get through. Somehow a horse jumped through regular plate glass without a scratch. The horse just galloped on like nothing happened. How did the Doctor even convince a horse to just jump through something solid in the first place? He looked so sexy on that horse though. He winked at Reinette. A gorgeous beautiful wink that Rose would never have for herself ever again.
A man asked what was going on after the Doctor arrived.
Reinette said to the Doctor, “this is my lover the King of France.”
”Oh yeah, well I’m the Lord of Time.” The Doctor responded. “And I’m here to fix the clock.” He continued.
He pulled the mask off of one of the droids. He then told that droid, “Forget it. It’s over. For you and for me. Talk about seven years bad luck. Try three thousand.”
He wasn’t even upset about being separated from Rose. He knew she wouldn’t live that long. The only thing he’d find in 3,000 years was his TARDIS.
Then Rose was back in her body. Mickey was saying something but she didn’t know what. All she knew was that he burst through that time window with no way back. No way back to her. He left her. He had abandoned her and left both her and Mickey to die. And he wasn’t even sad about it. She just stared at what used to be the window. Unable to move. She felt a tear roll down her cheek. The Doctor she thought she knew would have at least taken her with him. She just lost the man she loved the deepest forever. Maybe he was never who she thought he was. Just like Jimmy Stone.
Mickey kept asking her how they were gonna get off the spaceship, but Rose was frozen. Her heart was completely shattered.
Rose could see the Doctor talking to the droid again.
”The link with the ship is broken. No way back. You don’t have the parts. How many ticks left in the clockwork heart. A day? An hour? It’s over. Accept that. I’m not winding you up.”
The Doctor took Reneitte’s hand asking if she was alright. Yet he obviously didn’t care that Rose as definitely not okay.
Mickey continued asking questions as Rose stared up at the stars. The Doctor took her all over the universe. Just to promise he’d never leave and then break that promise immediately. Rose was frozen in grief for five and half hour’s.
After all that time passed, Rose’s mind was bombarded by images of Reinette and the Doctor speaking again. The Doctor confirmed that he knew he couldn’t get back after saving her. Then she saw Reinette taking the Doctor’s hand and leading him away.
She took him to the fireplace where they first saw each other.
He made it through! she saw him again. She was in her body on the spaceship and he was there too. The Doctor was back! He came back through the Fireplace door. At first he was still talking to Reinette through the fireplace, but she hugged him tightly anyway. He wasn’t in love with her but at least she had her best friend back.
After the hug the was looking through the fireplace calling for Reinette again. He didn’t hear her so he went back for her. Rose could feel her heart crumbling once more.
Rose was a fly on the wall again. He saw The Doctor receive news that Reinette died from illness when she was fourty-three and he tucked a letter in his pocket. He seemed so sad.
Then she was in her body again on board the TARDIS. The Doctor came back, saying he did not know why the clockwork droids wanted Reinette. Mickey asked her to show him around the TARDIS but once again she seemed to be overhead observing the Doctor as he read the letter. He was devastated. The letter didn’t say much, only that she wanted him to hurry back to her. She couldn’t even comfort him because she wasn’t in her body. That, and because she had realized that he never loved her as she wanted to be loved. Not at all.
Rose was in her own body again. She apparently just showed Mickey to his room. “Alright, then good night.”
She gave him a hasty goodbye, knowing she was about to fall apart. She ran out of the room sobbing.
Rose’s consciousness was transported to outside the old ship and she saw it was called the SS Madame de Pompadour. That’s what it took for the Doctor to love you. You had to be important enough to have a ship named after you.
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Rose finally woke up, it had all been a terrible nightmare but she was still sobbing. Sobbing loudly at that. She still wasn’t sure what was real and what was a nightmare.
The Doctor wasn’t far and he heard the sobs. He knocked on the door gently. “Rose, can I come in?”
Rose did not answer. Hoping he would just go away.
"Rose? I heard you crying. What’s the matter? Please let me come in.” His voice was pleading.
Rose still didn’t answer.
The Doctor ignored the lack of express permission and simply entered.
“Rose! What is it?” He quickly went to her side and wrapped his arms around her.
“J-Just a nightmare I think. That’s all.” Rose tried to speak through the tears, but her words were incoherent.
The Doctor didn’t fully make out her words but he ran his fingers through her hair and gently looked down into her eyes. “Rose. You matter to me. So much. If you can’t talk, will you let me try something else? Will you let me see into your mind just for a little bit? Just nod if it’s okay.”
Rose wasn’t sure how to respond. He would see how she really felt for him. She wasn’t ready for that. She really wasn’t but she also needed him so badly. Desperate to feel seen, Rose nodded slowly. She vowed to herself not to look back inside his mind. She know that would be violation.
The Doctor put his hands around her face. “You’re okay Rose, I’ve got you”. The Doctor stayed silent for a long time.
He released her after what felt like an eternity. “Rose, look at me.” Rose looked up, still with tears in her eyes. “First of all, you’re not gross or pathetic to be crying like this. Second of all, that was one hell of an inaccurate nightmare. I wouldn’t abuse a horse by sending him through any kind of glass.”
The Doctor stopped and took a deep breath. “I certainly would never fall in love with someone else and leave you to deal with that kind of danger. I would never be so calm while clockwork droids were about to dissect you. The mere thought of abandoning you and even Mickey on some empty spaceship is sickening beyond words. Those kinds of things would never EVER happen in real life.”
He paused again for another moment. Rose could see the same vulnerability in his eyes that she saw outside the diner. The same pained look he had when he told her humans wither and die. “It hurts me that I will outlive you so it’s hard to say things like this, but here goes….. no one, and I mean no one, has ever meant as much to me as you do. Not even close." the Doctor had winced a little before continuing. "To be honest with myself and you… I don’t believe anyone ever will. Not Sarah Jane, not Cleopatra, and certainly not Madame de Pompadour.”
It clearly tore at him to say these words. After all, in his perspective, her normal lifespan probably seemed to him like someone with terminal cancer given a year to live. At least her nightmare had been fully dispelled. He'd rather say some of the words that hurt him than let Rose go on feeling she wasn't good enough, which meant a lot to her. Rose finally stopped crying so hard. She could finally breathe a little. None of her worst fears had actually come true.
There were still tears in her eyes but she wasn’t weeping anymore and could respond to the Doctor. “You really mean that? Cuz I feel the same about you." Then she forced a half smile and remarked "Also, in real life, I would've wanted you to keep the horse.”
The Doctor wiped her tears and kissed her forehead. “More than I’ve meant anything in my whole nine hundred year life.”
Rose smiled softly. She did not know for sure if this meant he loved her in a romantic sense, but she was now at peace knowing that no one could challenge her place in his hearts.
Though, she did start to regain her suspicion that the romantic feelings were mutual. They might remain unspoken forever, but they were together and that’s what mattered.
The Doctor held her there until morning. She could feel his fierce protectiveness for her. Rose fell asleep in his arms, finally feeling at peace.
When Rose woke up, she smiled and him with her big toothy grin and her tongue between her teeth. The Doctor reciprocated her huge smile and then suddenly gave her that sexy sexy wink she saw in the dream. Only this time, in real life, it was for her.