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It had been a month since the Prank. Nothing had changed. If anything, it had gotten worse. It had to be tonight, it had to be. Sirius was in the middle of his usual routine, skipping lunch in favor of a cigarette, when his melancholy was destroyed by a dreadful voice.
“You have to eat, Sirius.” It was Regulus. Wonderful, terrible, naive, little Reggie.
Sirius sighed, “You don’t need to bug me just because Mother is not here to do so, you know?”
“I’m not-” Regulus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “Though this is one of the few topics I agree with our mother about, I am not here on her behalf.”
Sirius let out a laugh and a puff of smoke.
“I care about you,” Regulus grabbed the cigarette out of Sirius’ hand and threw it on the ground, “You shouldn’t smoke those, it will kill you.”
Sirius grabbed another one in between his delicate fingers, “It doesn’t matter if I smoke now. I could smoke five packs and it wouldn’t matter. Nor does it matter if I eat. Just leave me alone.”
Regulus sucked in a harsh breath, “Sirius-”
“Don’t care so much, Regulus, it’s not a good look on you.” Sirius's voice was stony and cold as the late autumn breeze.
Regulus stared at his older brother, “You sound like Mother.”
Sirius looked away and blew out a small puff of smoke, “It was only a matter of time.”
Regulus looked at the fragile shell that his brother had become. He had always looked up to his brother, his outspoken nature, his courage, his love for life. It seemed as though none of it was left. It scared Regulus terribly, if he was being honest. Sirius left, eventually. He hardly even noticed him go.
~~~~~~~
It was later that evening, after dinner, Regulus was sitting at his desk when he received a letter. Weirdly enough, it was from Sirius, and it was marked for the next day. Must have been a mistake made by his owl, Regulus thought. He opened the letter.
Dear Reggie,
I apologize for my words in our conversation yesterday. I was harsh, I didn’t mean it. I love how much you care, especially for me, I do not deserve it. I hope that you can forgive me. I am writing this the day before you will receive this letter. I am going to die tonight, I have to. I am not sure how yet, a jump off the astronomy tower or a muggle blade perhaps? I am sure that by now you have received the news. I am terribly sorry to leave you alone with our parents, but hey, maybe now they will give up on trying to make me heir and finally see you. I wanted to be strong enough to live, but I am not. The only thing that has held me off this long is the thought of you, your face when you heard the news. I realize now that this is better for everyone. I love you, Reggie, and I hope that I do not see you for a very long time. I hope that you live a long and beautiful life.
-All my love, your older brother, Siri.
Regulus fought the urge to gag. How did he not see this coming? Sure Sirius had once starved himself to death’s edge, but still, that was different. That was a disease. This was- Regulus didn’t even know. Sirius actively wanted to die, and he was going to kill himself. Regulus shook himself out of his stupor, grabbed the letter and ran to find the only people he could think of to help.
~~~~~~~
He found Sirius’s fellow Marauders outside by the lake. The cold nipped at him but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“Where is the map?” He went right up to James and asked. He had to fight the urge to punch the boy in the face.
The three teens stopped their conversation and James raised an eyebrow at the boy, “Why should we tell you?”
“Because, even though you all have been ignoring Sirius, as he undoubtedly did something stupid, I believe that you all still care about him. So, if my suspicions are correct, you will put whatever pettiness has made you avoid my brother for so long away, and you will show me the map.” Remus opened his mouth but Regulus cut him off, “His life depends on it.”
The three teens stared at him questionably.
“Oh, for Merlin's sake,” Regulus shoved the letter into their faces, “My brother meant for this to arrive tomorrow.” He watched as all their faces morphed into terror. “I’m sure you can see now why I need the map.”
Wordlessly, James pulled out the map, which luckily he had on his person, and murmured the password. The map revealed Sirius is in the Astronomy tower, and immediately upon seeing Remus ran to the tower, Regulus and James on his tail. Peter opted to go below the tower, Merlin forbid he had to stop a falling Sirius.
~~~~~~~~
Once he reached the tower, Remus saw something that made him want to vomit. Sirius, his Sirius, was standing on the ledge, a pool of blood beneath him. He could only stare.
Regulus, who sensed this, spoke up, “Don’t do it Siri.”
The boy didn’t do much as turn around, “Go away Reg. You aren’t meant to see this.”
“Sirius, please .” It was Remus who answered, voice soft and scared.
Sirius whipped his head around, “What are you-” He stopped and stared at the three most important people in his life. They all had tears streaming down their faces. He felt himself break when he looked into Remus’s eyes.
I love you, forever.
Do you promise?
Yes.
Remus turned to James and Regulus, “Can you two give me a minute alone with him?”
They started to object but he cut them off, “Please?”
The two nodded and left, giving in. Immediately the animagi fell into the wolf’s arms and sobbed.
“I’m sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh god, I’m so sorry,” Sirius cried, “I didn’t want to do it, but I tried apologizing- I tried so many times and it didn’t work- It shouldn’t have because I hurt you and that is more unforgivable than any curse- but I can’t- I can’t live without you- I can’t breathe without you- please- I’m sorry-”
Remus stopped his muttering by cooing softly, “It's gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. Alright? You’re gonna be alright,” He’s aware that he's crying but it doesn’t matter right now, “ I’m sorry, alright? I forgave you. I should have- I don’t know what I was trying to prove to myself- it was stupid. So, so stupid. I love you so much, Pads. So, so much. You can’t live without me? Well I can’t live without you. God, I am so sorry, please forgive me.”
Sirius looked up at him with wide eyes before pressing his fingers against Remus’s lips, “Don’t apologize. Not to me, ever. You never need to apologize to me ever again.”
Remus shook his head, “That’s not true, Sirius. Everyone deserves apologies, okay? Especially you.” He didn’t know how easily the ravenette comprehended it.
“But-but I hurt you. I-”
“You did, but I never tried to understand, I never even asked why. And I want to know, okay? But right now we need to fix this.” Remus nodded to Sirius’s bloody wrists.
Sirius looked down at the ground, “Please don’t make me go to Poppy. Promise.”
Remus sighed, “I am not going to make a promise I cannot keep,” He looks at Sirius and smiles softly, “Show me the cuts and we will see.”
Sirius only nodded and held out his arms. The cuts weren’t too bad, Remus could easily heal them. Well, easily was a stretch, but for Sirius he'd do anything. As he healed each one he couldn’t help but notice the jarring difference between Sirius’ and his own arm.
“Sirius, darling,” Remus kissed each scar on his arm once he was done healing them, “How much have you been eating?”
Sirius stilled, “I’ve been eating plenty.”
“The truth, Pads.”
“I’ve been eating at least two meals a day.”
Remus hated how little he believed the boy. “I thought I asked for the truth?”
Sirius fidgets with his fingers, “I go to the kitchens and get a piece of fruit after dinner sometimes.”
Remus could feel his heart break, how had it gotten this bad? How had he let the love of his life fall so far? He breathed softly, “How much weight have you lost?” HIs breath hitched, “And don’t lie to me and say you don’t know, because I know that you do.”
Sirius looked down, “Roughly 2 stones.” He muttered the words softly, as though a single breath could blow them away.
Remus choked out a sob, “Darling we have to go to Poppy for that and you know it.”
Sirius nodded into Remus, “I know.” He was quite tired, he hoped he wasn’t weighing too hard on the wolf boy, “But maybe that can wait for tomorrow?”
Remus nodded, pressing a kiss into the boy filled with black blood’s head, “Whatever works best for you, love.”