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One of the best parts of returning to Japan was all of the casual unplanned conversations Shu could have with people he never went out of his way to talk to. Sure, some of them could be tedious, like in the case of a certain Rinne Amagi, but there were also pleasant discussions.
This, however, felt different.
Nazuna noticed Shu enter the coffee shop from the way he held the door. Always a verbal ‘after you’, his other hand preoccupied with Mademoiselle. And Shu would never dare gesture with her. Still, he pretended not to notice. If Shu wanted to talk, then he’d talk. Nazuna had learned not to go out of his way to socialize with him, it was unpredictable what type of talking mood he was in. Similarly to Mika, though in later years it felt less hostile and more… uncomfortable. The accidental compliments that bordered hitting on him was always a mixed bag,
Was it worse if he ignored Nazuna, or acknowledged him. After all, there wasn’t a reason to ignore him other than his own awkwardness. It was actually worse if he pretended not to see him, because that alluded to a reason why Shu may want to avoid conversation.
So he approached him. They used to go out after practice together fairly often. Mostly it was to the fruits parlor since Shu didn’t see a need to drink caffeine that late in the day, and fruits were a healthy yet sweet treat he knew Nazuna enjoyed. But here they were, neither of them with their typical coffee order, sitting across from each other at a table. In all likeliness, they wanted to show the other that they’d changed, matured, but neither of them could stand the taste of the black coffee in front of them.
The beginning of the conversation was exchanged pleasantries. “How are yous” and “funny running into you here” but that could only cover so much time before the elephant in the room started rearing its tusks.
Shu cracked first.
“I heard you and Kiryuu are together,” said Shu, a sip of bitter coffee to wash down the words. As much as he wished it were just a smidge sweeter, he didn’t want Nazuna to see the side of him that would willingly add sugar to a coffee. So he didn’t, stomaching another sip as he awaited the answer.
“Eh?! Did Kurochin tell you that?” asked Nazuna, eyes wide in surprise. But he already knew the answer. There was no easy way to inform your best friend that you were dating his ex boyfriend.
Shu tapped his fingers on the table impatiently in the stalemate Nazuna drew out for him.
“Non, I hardly know what’s going on with his life. I’m not in Japan very often, you see,” countered Shu. “Sena was the one who told me, after Tsukinaga made a rather crude comment about the state of our dorm room.”
Perhaps it was cruel to raise the stakes of the conversation to such heights. Nazuna’s cheeks flushed red. Shu must be jealous, otherwise he wouldn’t have humiliated him in such a way.
“It isn’t good to gossip, Itsuki. You’re going to get your tongue all twisted,” said Nazuna, brushing it off to remain calm. If he got worked up, that’s just what Shu would have wanted.
“So you think the nature of casually discussing who you’re dating counts as gossip? I wasn’t aware this was a secret relationship, though the implications of that are rather interesting,” said Shu, with a smirk on his face.
“I just didn’t think to bring it up,” said Nazuna. It wasn’t as if he and Shu talked often.
Shu’s lip went into a thin line. Of course this was something he wanted to be informed about, if Kuro and Nazuna didn’t want to keep it a secret from him, they would have casually mentioned it. Meaning they knew it would be upsetting news.
Shu traced the handle on his coffee mug.
“Then I take it, it’s rather casual.”
“You could say that.”
Again with a non-answer from Nazuna. He could feel the thickness of the air around them, a certain animosity radiating from Shu. Could it be that he still had lingering feelings that weren’t resolved, even over the span of the years that separated them? It was cocky of Nazuna to think so, that Shu would continue to pine year after year for him while pursing someone else as well.
“So, how are things going with Kagehira now that you’re living in France most of the time?” asked Nazuna.
So now he wanted to discuss Mika?
“It’s better for us to be apart, he needs to learn to develop as a human,” said Shu. Nazuna felt his heart sink so low he was unsure if he’d be able to reach inside and rescue it. So Mika was allowed to be human, wasn’t he? Why couldn’t he be human? Was he not good enough?
It ached, it burned, it was almost as bitter as his own coffee. But he couldn’t let Shu shame him for adding cream and sugar to it, he received enough of those comments when they were in Valkyrie together. Shu was always sneering at what he ate, suggesting he had far less sugar so he didn’t ruin his figure. Did Shu think he was ruined now? Is that why he never followed up with him?
It was silly to even consider it. Nazuna couldn’t pinpoint when he and Mika got together formally, perhaps they never had. It seemed to have grown from something natural, and knowing Shu, he never properly asked Mika out. Poor boy, being strung around by Shu like he was. Nazuna knew Shu had grown. But not that much, he was still the arrogant prick he knew back in highschool.
Why did Nazuna care so much about how Mika was doing? If he cared, he wouldn’t have left. Shu told this to himself time and time again when the thoughts of his beautiful doll would surface in his mind. Nazuna chose to leave. If he never left, perhaps they would still be together.
His time with Mika was far too precious and important to him to imagine some silly world where he and Nazuna stayed together. At that point, he may as well remove any trace of Valkyrie’s execution, and in addition the years that passed since then. The life he knew now wouldn’t exist anymore, and he would have been a far different person, not even existing to enjoy what a life could have been.
“I read your interview, the one where you said he was your only partner in art.” Nazuna’s reflection in his coffee displayed the echo of a smile, taunting him in the dark liquid.
“Yes, he is,” prayed Shu. The more he said it, the more true it would become. Nevermind that his soulmate was in front of him now, that was a time when they were young, and foolish. Things changed unpredictably, everything was ripped violently out of his grasp, leaving his hands bloodied and battered with only Mika to bandage them.
A soulmate was threaded by fate itself, but there was an artistic charm to weaving his own story, every stitch put carefully in place by his and Mika’s own hands.
“It’s just like you to talk so elegantly, so romantically,” said Nazuna through his teeth. So what if Shu called Mika his only partner? He was the one who left years ago, when Shu needed him the most. He didn’t believe Shu would recover and come back, that it would be better for both of them if Nazuna had left.
Late at night with only the pale light of the moon to comfort him, he would think back to those times. What would have happened if he stayed? Would he just have been Shu’s doll forever, never knowing what it was like to live on his own? He would never trade his Ra*bits for Shu. But he never let himself think much on that topic, afraid of what might come out of it.
He didn’t want to trade Shu for them.
But it didn’t mean his feelings had to be warm and fuzzy about Shu moving on to date Mika, of all people. It would have been different had they not been in a trio unit together, Mika obviously crushing on Shu from the moment he joined their group.
“Why confine art just to performances? Well thought words can be just as powerful,” Shu deflected. How many times had he waxed poetic about Nazuna’s radiance? It came effortlessly to him, like breathing. It stung in his chest when such ease didn’t come with complimenting Mika. Perhaps it was that he was more aware of Mika’s flaws and how their relationship grew over time, instead of a superficial layer of praise that was more akin to a poem anyone would enjoy. But was it truly superficial? Did he truly not think those things about Nazuna? Such couldn’t be said. Everything he said came from the heart, even if Nazuna didn’t believe it.
“I guess they can be. You know, I’m happy for you.” Nazuna gripped the sides of his mug tighter, the lies resting just atop his lips “You needed to move on, it’s good to see you treating Kagehira kindly. I’m happy for him.”
And selfishly enough he’d do anything to be in Mika’s place. What was it like, kissing Shu? Sleeping in the same bed as him, getting flown out to Paris for a romantic rendezvous… He could almost feel the ghost of his touch on his body. He didn’t remember the last time they kissed. It was hard to keep track of something like that when it wasn’t apparent at the time it would be the last.
He had his own partner now, someone who loved him for being Nazuna, not because he was a puppet to be controlled, or a doll to be dressed up and idolized. Kuro loved him, more than Nazuna deserved. And here he was, thinking about his ex. He was truly despicable, a flawed role model for his Ra*bits.
“I’m happy for you, too.” Shu returned with a lie, a conversation so plastic it may as well be the recycled statements over and over again. “And Kiryuu. He’s fortunate to have such a partner as yourself.”
How could Kuro do this to him? It made his blood boil to think that his childhood best friend was exploring the same places on Nazuna that Shu had been first. Shu knew he couldn’t be mad at Nazuna for moving on after he and Mika became official, did he expect him to stay single forever? To save himself for Shu indefinitely, in case things with Mika didn’t work out? No. Everything had to work out with Mika, he didn’t know what he’d do if this fell apart. If Mika suddenly stopped loving him, he didn’t know if he could live with himself. Mika had seen all the worst parts of him and still hadn’t run away in fear. Unlike Nazuna.
They had a lot of each other’s firsts. First kiss, first relationship, first time… First breakup, first heartache. It was a tradeoff, a little bit of everything, good and bad. Such were the curses of a young love.
What was the point of it all, a faked niceness and conversation that was so painful they’d rather be anywhere else? A conversation so twisted that it was hard to get a grasp on what the other was trying to convey. Deep down there was the fear that perhaps what the other was saying had some truth to it, that they really should just move on and forget about it all.
It would be for the best, some words were better left unsaid.
Because what would the alternative be?
A fairytale, or a reality tv show, depending on who thought off the scenario.
His foot brushed against Nazuna’s under the table, a dangerous display of affection. Nazuna let it linger, because even the pressure of Shu through two pairs of socks and two shoes was enough to satisfy him now. He almost sighed when Shu moved his away in embarrassment for being the first person to make contact. He shouldn’t have been so forward, so greedy with his space.
They should really get going.
“We should do this again sometime.” Nazuna said, coffee ending up in the trash mostly full still. Shu noticed, not wanting to say a word. He took a sip of his own coffee.
“Agreed.”
Disagreed, disgusted, and debilitated. Shu didn’t want to think about this for the rest of the day.
And so they departed from the shop, hoping that the feelings in their minds drowned the flavor of the bitter lies on their lips.