Chapter Text
In Parkour Civilization, even the sex is parkour. In order to procreate, both partners have to complete the same jumps in unison. The closer the timing, the more likely you are to conceive a child. I've never done it before, but as the Parkour Champion, if I ever want my legacy and ideals to be passed down to the next generation, raising a child of my own is the best way to do it. But first, I have to find my ideal Parkour Partner.
Now that I made the bank offer blocks for free, getting the blocks necessary for this is easy. Though, as the Parkour Champion, I don’t really have a house to do Parkour Sex in, nor is there any building made for the purposes of Parkour Procreation.
I’m not going into just any guy’s house and Parkour Fuck them, so the first thing I did was make a new building here for Parkour Masters, since I want only the best as my Parkour Partner.
[Evbo stands in front of the main entrance from inside the Parkour Sex building.]
“Okay! I got the word out, now let’s see how many people showed up- whoa.” [vineboom sfx]
Several Parkour Masters lined up outside, ready to try for the chance to be my Parkour Partner. I was getting kind of nervous… did everyone want to have Parkour Sex with me but were too afraid to say it?
Since Parkour Sex is cooperative, I need to make sure that my potential Parkour Partner is of the highest caliber. As the parkour champion, most jumps are not that hard for me to do, so it’s down to what jumps my Partner can handle. It has to be a decently challenging jump, since I want my child to be the best parkour champion there is. In Parkour Civilization, the harder the jumps you do during Parkour Sex, the more potential your Parkour Child will have.
As the first test, candidates have to clear 3 jumps, each escalating in difficulty.
[The first parkour master steps into the building, looks at the course, and starts attempting it.]
For the first, a diagonal 3 block jump. Then, a combination jump from a 2 block diagonal to a 3 block on a ladder. Then finally, a double NEO.
[The Parkour Master falls at the first NEO, and hits the ground with a [vineboom sfx]]
“Oohh… sorry. I guess you’re just not good enough to be my Parkour Partner.”
[The Parkour Master hangs his head low in shame, and proceeds out the building, uttering “Aw man, you could’ve had the best time of your life with me, man.”]
“Yeesh, I doubt it. Better luck next time? I suppose? Next!”
As the day went on, multiple Parkour Masters have tried and failed my course. Did I make it too difficult? Will I ever find Parkour Masters sexually compatible with me? Am I doomed to loneliness?
But eventually, against all odds, some of them started finishing my course. This includes my Friend, thank goodness, and… SEAWATT? [vineboom sfx]
“Wait, Seawatt, what are YOU doing here?”
“What, I can’t have a go at having a Parkour Child too? Look. You’re the Parkour Champion. As much as it pains me to say this, you’re the best possible Parkour Partner to bear a child with.”
“Ugh, whatever. You still have to pass my second test, so we’ll see if you’re the best Parkour Partner for me after that.”
“Heh. Suit yourself.”