Draw me a Smile

by bl00diedlvr

Summary:

When James Potter, a model for a famous fashion company in England, encounters a mysterious boy sketching him he has to make some choices. Will life ever be the same after this? His smiled wiped, but maybe it can be redrawn.

Includes POV swaps.

Notes:

The beginning chapters are not long unfortunately. This fic also references events and items from "Art Heist, Baby!" -otrtbs (ao3) Please go read because it is one of my favorite fics. The reason it is referenced is because I love it. It is not a rewrite, translation, or directly inspired by AHB.

WARNINGS/TRIGGER WARNINGS:
-This fic includes talk of/reference to Suicide
-This fic includes talk of/reference to Self-Harm
-This fic includes talk of/reference to the Mental illness know as Depression
-This fic includes graphic scenes that may not be appropriate for some younger users (Sexual)
-This fic includes talk of/reference to child abuse
-This fic includes talk of/reference to homophobic views and homophobia/internalized homophobia (I DO NOT CONDONE THIS)
-This fic includes Minor character death
-This fic includes talk of/reference to grief/loss/grieving process
-This fic includes talk of/reference to attempted suicide
Please read with caution. Most of these are listed in tags but I additionally listed them here for those who may have not read tags. I update tags periodically as I continue writing. I do not have this entire fic planned out as of now. So additional tags may be added later.

Edit (as of 11/1/24): This fic has now been decided to be MCD. Please continue with caution.

Please enjoy this fic !
Lots of love- Principessa

"And for once, he had dreams instead of nightmares."

Chapter 1: Coffee

James Potter was never one for being on time. Which didn’t quite make sense considering his profession required it. He was a model with a famous designer company. James had a shoot scheduled for 06:30. It was currently 05:45. Far too early for James, he would never ever be a morning person. It was for this reason he always found himself in his local café. James could not live without caffeine. He was dependent on it like a sunflower to the sun. He loved black coffee, however he always added extra cream and sugar to it because otherwise it was far too bitter for him.

Walking into his local café he smiled at the barista. His best friend Sirius. Sirius Black. Sirius had been friends with James since they were eleven. They knew everything about each other. James was always there for Sirius when he needed him through all of the drama with his family. Maybe it was for that reason they were especially close. James would never know. Sirius had lived with James for a few years in their early teen years. They had a special bond, almost as if they were brothers. Even with this bond, James didn’t know much about Sirius’s family other than he had one. Biologically speaking. Sirius sometimes talked about a brother. One he would eventually go back for. James held him through that.

Sirius smiled back and handed him his coffee, “Black coffee with extra creamer and sugar.” He said with an eye roll, James knew he meant nothing by it. James had always ordered the same thing. He was forever grateful Sirius worked at this café because it meant James could come in early when he had an early shoot. Like today. Speaking of the shoot, that was in thirty minutes. James would have to hurry up this morning. Another thing about James, he was not punctual ninety percent of the time.

“You know me so well Siri, if I didn’t know any better I would say you were in love with me.” He said with a cocky smirk. James always smiled. Sirius scoffed and handed him the coffee. “Take it before I change my mind and actually make you pay for your coffee once.” James laughed. “Like you ever could. You love me too much.” James and Sirius could bicker like this. Their egos were both so high, but they found a way to mold together and form that special bond that James and Sirius had. An unbreakable bond as they had both always called it.

He grabbed his coffee and went to sit at his normal table. James had a routine, it helped him stay sane. Especially because the table was in the best spot. In a corner with windows surrounding you. So you could see nature and the surrounding area. James loved nature. Especially flowers. Sunflowers were his favorite. However he noticed someone else sitting there, a pale boy with dark curls that fell in his face. He was doodling in a sketchbook. The boy looked up and James felt his heart stop, if only for a moment. The boy had the most beautiful eyes James had ever seen. They were green and gray, they had a shine in them James had never seen before. James was mesmerized entirely. Looking at the boy made him leave this reality. To a realm with lifetimes and lifetimes. He felt as though he had known the boy forever and was meant to find him. James smiled at the boy before walking to a different table and setting his things down. James didn’t even mind having to sacrifice the table. Had it been anyone else he would’ve been an egomaniac brat and practically forced them to move. Politely, obviously. But still. The boy didn’t return the smile. His eyes only softened. James thought this was strange, but entrancing.

James could make anyone smile, his smile radiated a warmth and sense of security that could force a smile upon anyone's face. He had never not had someone return a smile. He smiled at anyone and everyone. It made him feel good. He felt as though he had a positive impact on someone's day and that he had helped them in that way. He had always thought that sometimes only a smile could change the course of someone's day. Not getting a smile from the boy made him feel useless. And ridiculous. He pushed the thoughts that came along with that back in his mind. James Potter needed warmth from others to help him keep his warmth.

James Potter was the sun.

James was finishing his coffee. He glanced at the time realizing he was already running late for his morning shoot. His boss would kill him. James had this habit of running late and his boss had to save him from losing the role he got in the shoot one too many times. Being late today would not make today easy. Strike one.

He stared at his phone, lost in thought regardless. Music blared in his headphones. James had always loved music. It was such a beautiful art to him. The way it could make you feel any emotion and could be interpreted in so many different ways. James sometimes thinks about how he could have been a music artist, another thought to the back. James had always wanted to be a music artist. But when in university a recruiter offered him a lucrative position as a model that would allow for a huge career in modeling, James let his dream go. James often thought about how different his life could be. James always worried about that. Another thought to the back.

He could feel eyes boring into his being, the same pretty eyes Jame’s heart fluttered at an hour prior–an hour ? James hadn’t realized it had been an hour. Looking up from his thoughts he looked around. The sky was starting to lighten. He was supposed to be at his shoot at 06:30 am. It was currently 07:00. Thirty minutes late could go unnoticed. He went to go pack up his things, but something stopped him. He looked around once more and noticed that the curly hair boy was looking at him and then back down at his paper.

James was smart, smart enough to realize that the boy had been sketching him. James was flattered, this supported the theory that he had a knack for modeling. James used this as further reasoning he was meant to be a model. Trying to not display his realization he remained where he was and stayed in the same pose he had been in before he came back to this reality. He went back on his phone to pass the time. He prayed that the shoot was running late. But even if it wasn’t James didn’t know if he would care or not. James would wait forever for the curly haired boy.

Chapter 2: Embarrassment

Summary:

More about James job. James subconsciously pining.

Notes:

Short chapter. I do apologize !

It was 07:30 when James thought the boy had finally finished. The boy had put his pen down and was looking between James and his sketchbook with the hint of a smile playing at his features. James so desperately wanted the boy to smile. James would have let him draw him over and over again if it made the boy smile. He wanted the smile. To capture it and bottle it up. He didn’t know why it was so imperative to him that he smiled. Maybe then James would be useful to the boy's day. That would make James feel great, giddy even.

It was the boy packing up that brought James out of his thoughts. Noticing the boy packing up gave James a sense of anxiety and desperation to talk to the boy. He had to talk to the boy, he felt he would be incomplete without hearing his voice and if only for a moment having a conversation. James rushed to pack up his things. His laptop, notebooks, pencils and pens. James had tons and tons of notes, emails, requests, and thoughts. It made his brain a whirlpool that he constantly felt like he was drowning in. His thoughts were never-ending and high speed.

Noticing that the boy finished packing up, James quickly packed the last of his things up and walked over. Giving himself a mental peptalk and some confidence. “Hi!” James said with another bright smile. Maybe if he kept smiling at the boy he would eventually smile back. James still desperately wanted the boy to smile at him. The boy looked startled, and still no smile. This made some of James' confidence diminish from his chest. Like slowly putting a lid on a candle. James willed himself to continue, a bit awkwardly. “Uhm- I’m James. I thought I saw you drawing me and was wondering if I could see your sketch if you don’t mind…” James tried not to be embarrassed but struggled immensely. He hoped that he hadn’t been wrong about what he thought the boy was doing. That would be too awkward for James to handle. There was a long silence. This didn’t help the whirlpool and James felt himself sinking down further into it. The boy looked hesitant and slightly flushed. James couldn’t comprehend what this meant to the context of the situation. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of waiting, he gave a small nod and took his sketchbook out again. He flipped quickly to the page with the sketch and shoved it into Jame’s hands. “Here.” He said quietly. James thanked the gods. Oh thank God he wasn’t wrong about what happened.

On a different note, the boy sounded beautiful. He sounded posh, but with the hint of a French accent as well. James had always wanted to visit France; he had heard Paris was beautiful. His France was beautiful, even if he wasn’t his yet.

James graciously took the drawing. He examined the drawing carefully. The drawing itself was very detailed, but James' eyes darted to the small hearts he saw scribbled on the page. James wanted to believe they were for him, he quickly shoved this thought away. ‘Must be a coincidence’ he thought, quickly squashing the itch of hope that came with that thought.

“This is really good...” He said breathlessly. The drawing truly took his breath away. It was done completely in pen, yet still so artistically flawless. It looked exactly like James but with no color. The boy flushed darker than before. James fought the urge to smirk at this. Fighting his ego was a daily struggle. The boy looked at James with curiosity. James felt his breath catch at this. As if he was holding his breath. His eyes scanning up and down Jame’s figure. James had never worried much about his appearance; he was always self-assured in himself. Others assured him of this as well. James had always been called attractive. He was tall, muscular, tan, and sporty. He modeled for goodness' sake. However, under the criticizing eye of the boy, James felt himself begin to panic. But James couldn’t quite place why he felt the itch of self-doubt while being scanned by this boy. Maybe it was because he oddly cared about this boy more than other people who had commented on his looks in the past.

“Thank you.” The boy’s voice had come out slightly shaky. James didn’t notice this however. James handed the sketchbook back to the boy. “I’m Regulus.” He said finally, like he had made up his mind to trust James. At least a small bit. James smiled again, he just couldn’t help it. If what James had thought was true, he was making progress with the boy.

“Pleasure Regulus.” He glanced down at his phone again, it was 08:00. James' boss would be furious, if he didn’t kill him first. Being this late again would almost surely cost him his job. James frowned, going to walk away when the boy spoke again.

“If you want the drawing… it’s yours.” He said, a little less quietly than he had previously been speaking. His heart fluttered at the offer, but his mind told him it was wrong to steal something so breathtaking from its correct place. James smirked at the boy, “I could never steal such a beautiful work from its rightful artist.” Regulus was staring at him slightly wide-eyed. “No one ever notices. How did you?” He asked skeptically. James didn’t entirely know what the boy was referring to, but he was going to assume it was that James noticed he was being drawn by Regulus. “Suppose I just have an eye for it.”

James' phone buzzed and his boss’s name flashed across the screen. Oh merda. James was done for. He glanced at the text. ‘Potter, get your arse here before you lose your position. You're an hour and thirty minutes late.’ James flinched as he imagined his enraged boss yelling at him. Being yelled at was one of James biggest fears. Strike two.

 

James glanced back up at Regulus who was staring at him with curiosity and confusion once again. Oh how he wanted to stay with him forever. Stupid work. “Got to go unfortunately.” James sighed. He turned on his heel to leave, when he stopped himself. James smirked; he couldn’t not let his ego get to his head at least once today. He was going to make an impulsive decision. He quickly scribbled his number in the corner of the page, adding another small heart out of pettiness and impulse. ‘Text me’ was all he wrote along with it. He winked at the boy and walked out of the café. He waved at Sirius with an apologetic grin. He was running very late, and now he was running desperately down the street to the studio. Strike three.

 

Walking into a shoot late was not for the weak. A mortifying experience if you will. He hated the looks he received from everyone. Co-workers glared at James with disdain. His boss stared at James with hatred and disgust. James knew his worth deep down. But little bits like this always made him doubt himself for only a second. Maybe it was his internal need to please. To be enough for everyone and loved by all. But it was for this reason James placed so much pressure on himself to please and supersede everyone's expectations of him. He needed validation. He thrived off of it.

No one had ever seen James spiral, never had seen him fall into the deep dark abyss of his mind that he couldn’t seem to find his way out of. It wasn’t an accident. James had never truly wanted anyone to see that ugly part of him. The part that wasn’t figured out. The part that ruined James from being perfect. He hated that part of him for ruining him. He was always an angel. And never a god. This is what made James hate walking into shoots late. Not being perfect for anything. James sat alone in the dressing room changing into his first outfit and touching up his hair. James' hair was… well… he didn’t exactly know. It wasn’t straight. It wasn’t curly like Regulus’s hair. It was just… hair. He had to put product in to get it to look semi-decent. It was for this reason James had been told he always smells like coconuts. A sunny beach. He sat in the room alone and spiraled. The abyss always felt deeper than the last time he fell. It got darker, scarier, more isolated. James couldn’t breathe. A sharp set of knocks halted this, and for once he was grateful for his overbearing and scary boss.

He walked out to see his colleagues having already started the shoot. He sighed. Embarrassed. Sitting on the couch waiting for his cue he scrolled mindlessly on his phone. It was a distraction from the fall, a ledge to cling to. In the back of his mind, he knew he was slipping, but that would have to wait. He was about to turn his phone off and focus his attention on his co-workers taking their photos when he got a notification from an unknown number. James' heart jumped. He silently prayed that it was from Regulus. He had been waiting for a text ever since he wrote down his number.

‘Hello. Is this James?’

Chapter 3: Beginnings

Summary:

Platonic Prongsfoot ? If you squint also hinting to some future wolfstar.

TW**

SH. Self Deprecating thoughts. Lots of negativity.

Please read with caution lovelies!

Notes:

Short chapter again! I'm hoping they get longer as the fic progresses.

James' heart fluttered as the notification popped up. He opened the message and smiled. James was ever so thankful that Regulus had messaged him. He quickly added the contact to his phone. He responded quickly. ‘Yup :) Is this Regulus from the café?’ He smiled again as he noticed the message marked read. ‘Progress!’ James thought! James waited for a response but one never came.

He didn’t understand. What did he do? Things had been going progressively well. His heart sank just ever so slightly in his chest. Who was he fucking kidding. James felt crushed. Squashed like a grape in between the boy’s beautiful fingers.

Oh his hands were gorgeous. They were an ethereal pale. One that gave Regulus the look of an angel. You could see his veins, the soft green and slight purple. His hands were lean. Jame didn’t know why he had memorized this. But James wanted to memorize every inch of Regulus. To ingrain him into his memory so that even when James was old and frail he could think back on the beautiful boy he had seen at a coffee shop. His whole being had hoped to start something with the curly haired boy. But James had always had a big heart and been a tad of a hopeless romantic. This didn’t deter the thoughts that were swirling in his head however.

He stared longer at their two text conversation and continued romanticizing possibilities and futures with the boy he barely knew anything about. James was determined to change that. Sighing he pocketed his phone and waited to be called for his part in the shoot. “James, we need you now.” His boss called out. Perfect timing James thought. Another ledge he could grip onto to hold himself up above the abyss. He got up.

 

Later, after James had finished his shoot he walked out into the warm sun. James needed this. He stood for a minute basking in its light. James Potter always loved the sun. It felt to him as though it could cleanse his soul, and warm him from the cold of his thoughts. For someone who portrayed being so happy, how could he be so dead. James was fake. A fraud. He needed to stop. He couldn’t, he couldn’t stop the thoughts.

They continued to violently cut his mind open over and over again as he walked down the desolate block. Which for a Thursday at 11:00 was quite typical. He strolled along the block, looking unbothered and happy. Anyone could easily think James was the most positive person. They wouldn’t be able to see his mind calling out for help desperately. They wouldn’t be able to see how he fell apart when he was alone. How he had tubes of concealer in his bathroom drawer for his arms. They wouldn’t be able to see any of that. James would never show them. He was perfect. He could cut and mold himself into the perfect version of himself. It would work. He made it to his destination, a small bakery in which he often frequented for a small snack. James strolled in. Plastering on an even better and brighter smile than he had been forcing himself to wear outside. The smiles were a net. A mold. To hold him together. He needed to smile. Even if it wasn’t real.

A new face at the register. The cashier had brown fluffy hair. He was wearing a cozy jumper and jeans. His face had three small scars across it. James was slightly intrigued by this. Another ledge. He walked up and continued with normal pleasantries. He acted so normal.

“Hello. May I have an orange muffin ?” James asked politely with a smile. James was a mix of many traits. He was an egomaniac while simultaneously being slightly insecure and always second guessing himself. Falling apart. Behind the scenes. He could be full of himself, but in a friendly and warm way. He was polite and kind. And had one of the biggest hearts. He could be whatever anyone wanted him to be. And maybe it was because he was so broken that he could be so easily molded and shaped to the standards set around him. Maybe it was why he needed to meet people's expectations, and constantly serve them.

The barista responded. “Of course, anything else today ?” James shook his head. “That will be all, however, if you don’t mind my asking what’s your name ? I’ve never seen you before here.” The barista's eyes softened and a smile tugged at his lips. “Remus. I just moved to this part of town mate.” James smiled. “Pleasure Remus. Thanks for the muffin.” James was a social butterfly in this way. He loved trying to get to know people and thought everyone had good in them. Except for himself. No, this wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.

He walked out of the bakery with a small wave. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Regulus? He pulled it out to see a notification from Sirius. ‘My flat. Now.’ James responded with a thumbs up. As grateful for the text from Sirius as he was, he couldn’t help but be disappointed it wasn’t from Regulus. Pushing this thought down in the void he thought about how a text like that was unusual for Sirius. Actually, the more James thought about it. It truly wasn’t. Sirius was quite a big drama queen. Maybe it was part of the appeal. He managed to flag down a cab and stared out the window lost in thought as he made his way to Sirius’s flat for whatever reason. James tried not to let himself slip in the cab. If he fell in the cab, he wouldn’t be able to catch his fall before he made it to Sirius’s flat.

 

And he so desperately needed to.

 

Walking into the flat he noticed it was a large mess. Sirius had never been neat, but this was a new low for him. Clothes were tossed about the living room and his drawers were thrown open. “Sirius…” He called out into the space. The scent and feeling of the flat he had been in so many times calmed James ever so slightly. He knew the layout like the back of his hand. He walked into his living room. Setting his half eaten muffin down he walked into Sirius’s room.

“Mate, what’s happening…” Sirius sat up with a desperate look in his eye. “I have a date with this new guy in town that I met at the café today. But I have nothing to wear.” He cried out. James let out a laugh and rolled his eyes. James picked up some of the clothes from off the floor and folded them up. “This is what you ominously text me for ? Ridiculous. I thought you were dying Sirius.” James certainly knew he was. James flopped down on the bed next to Sirius. Don’t think like that here. “Lucky bloke. I met this guy and he is quite… dry.” James whined out. James couldn’t get Regulus out of his mind. He had been checking his phone non-stop. Borderline obsessively. Still no response.

James spent all afternoon with Sirius. He did succumb to Sirius’s begging and help him choose an outfit. They had settled on jeans and a white tee with his black leather jacket. They spent the rest of the time watching television and eating away at Sirius’s kitchen. James felt at ease. Sirius had that effect on him without even trying. James reluctantly headed home that night, after Sirius begging him to stay. James did want to stay, but unfortunately he had a shoot the following morning and would need to at least attempt to sleep some. He knew deep down the real reason was that he wouldn’t be able to bear it if he broke. Sirius didn’t need James problems. Sirius had his own. As James finally laid in bed, he thought about the curly haired boy. The way Regulus could brighten and dull James all at the same time was intoxicating to James. He thought about his curls, the beautiful curls. And his eyes, the sparkle and depth that absorbed James.

 

James had found another ledge.

Chapter 4: Familiarity

Summary:

Cute cute cute !!!! See more about James.

Notes:

Short chapter again (I'm so so so sorry !)

More about James and his depressive state.

Proceed with caution

James awoke the next morning to the loud screech of his alarm. James had always been a heavy sleeper and adjusted accordingly. As James rubbed his eyes open, he contemplated canceling the shoot today due to how tired he was. James had barely slept last night despite his best efforts to. He spiraled all night. Meaning today was going to be very long. James had cried. All night. When he wasn’t crying, he was dissociating. Today he was numb. Deciding against canceling the shoot, he got up and got ready for the day.

He glanced at his alarm clock, it was 05:40 am. What did time mean to James? It all just blurred together in pain and uselessness. The shoot was later today at 08:00 am, however he didn’t want to be late again. The yelling would only make James' head spin, and worsen his already horrific state of mind. James made his way to the café as he did every day. He looked like a mess, but he couldn’t tell if he actually did or if it was just his mind. He was wearing sweatpants and a jumper, it was the first thing James saw.

 

The café opened at 06:00 and it was currently 05:55. James knocked on the door, Sirius always let him in a few minutes early. James greeted Sirius with a weak smile. James was exhausted. He graciously accepted the shot of espresso that Sirius included in his coffee today. Sitting at his normal table he pulled out his laptop and started some work he needed to get done before the shoot. He barely heard the door over his thoughts. But as he looked up from his screen, he saw Regulus again. He went back to work trying to soothe the racing his heart was doing. Perhaps failing, but no one would ever know. Regulus glanced at James. Still no smile. James was finishing up a resume and communicating with his manager on some last minute headshots he had recently received. Zoning out in his work, James didn’t notice Regulus carefully steal a glance at James' computer screen. However, James did notice the demeanor change. Regulus seemed slightly more soft now. James noted this, smiling to himself required too much energy today and he needed the energy for smiling at people who actually mattered. He went back and forth in his head before deciding to try and talk to Regulus again.

“Hello again.” James said with a small smile despite how tired he was. James would always smile at the curly haired boy. No matter if James was dying, numb, or ruined. He would always smile at the boy.

Regulus gave him a small nod in acknowledgement. James tried to convince himself Regulus was just un-social and that it wasn’t that secretly James was pissing him off. He couldn’t bear it right now if he was ruining Regulus’s day. James knew this was irrational, but everything about Regulus was irrational. Despite all this James continued.

“I’m ever so sorry our chat got cut short last time we spoke. Work came up.”

Regulus nodded, “I get it.”

James felt the warm embrace of a small victory. It felt nice, if only for a moment. Regulus wasn’t ignoring James and that was a positive. It added strength to the ledge he was so desperately clinging to. As always, he still tried to cling to anything he could. It was especially hard today though when he felt as though he was slipping faster. He needed to constantly and actively try harder to not let himself fall, James had one question–well perhaps more, but one pertinent question–on his mind. Was it Regulus who texted him ? James thought about it and decided to ask, despite his better judgment. If it was it would help James, if it wasn’t it would hurt him. But it was a gamble he was willing to take.

“Was it you who texted me?” James immediately had regretted asking. Was the gamble truly worth it? What if he scared him away by being too clingy and overbearing? James didn’t want to pressure Regulus. No, he would never want to pressure someone he wanted to love so bad.

Love.

Someone James Potter wanted to love. It didn’t make sense to him. How could he deserve to love? How could he get the energy to give to this boy. James was draining himself of the energy, pouring it into the love he was radiating towards Regulus. James Potter was in love. And he needed someone to love him in return.

 

Regulus.

 

There was a beat of silence, it felt like an endless ocean of time. James felt the silence like knives stabbing him repeatedly. It felt like he had slipped, he had. He was falling and had no way to stop. When Regulus finally spoke James felt himself relax. He caught himself on the ledge that Regulus supported James with in his mind.

“Yes. It was.” James nodded.

Regulus continued, “Sorry I never responded.” James wanted to smile and laugh and run away with Regulus forever. This lit up James, he felt warm and safe in the comfort of those words. James came back to his thoughts. “Huh–oh yeah– don’t worry about it.”

He smiled at the boy. He smiled, a bigger smile. It came easily right now. James felt as though he was flying up and above the abyss that loomed ominously below him. Regulus’s brows knitted together. His nose wrinkling. James thought this was adorable. He thought everything about him was adorable. James was madly in love. Love could be the savior James needed.

James glanced at his watch, 06:15. He had plenty of time. Then again, did time really matter when it came to love? To him love was infinite. No time, no limit, no expiration date. You can’t fake love. True love. You can have temporary lust, temporary affection. You can’t have temporary love. James had thought this ever since he was a young boy in his mothers arms. As she read him tales about princesses and princes falling in love and having a happily ever after. James didn’t always know if he wanted a princess, but that was okay.

Regulus was staring at James. “What do you do?” James' eyes lit up, he loved talking about what he did. Modeling was still magical to him, even if it wasn’t his first choice.

“Oh, well I’m a model for a well known clothing company! I have always loved photography and modeling. I just felt like it embodied an air of photography that made me drawn to it. I actually have a shoot today! You can come if you want, we’re allowed to bring one guest!” James started rambling and couldn’t stop, he hadn’t actually thought about what it meant to invite Regulus to his shoot. And now that he said it he couldn’t take it back. James felt like he couldn’t breathe as he sat in wait.

 

He fell back into the abyss.

 

Did it have a bottom? James prayed and prayed that he would agree, not only would it brighten James' shitty day but it would soothe the crashing and whirling of dark anxiety and desolateness in his mind. He was met with silence, long silence. James was terrified. His grip on safety loosened violently. He was free-falling. But he stopped.

 

“Okay.”

Notes:

Hoping to get longer from here but we will see. Please let me know how you like so far !

Chapter 5: Trust

Summary:

Fluffy. James and Regulus at a shoot.

Notes:

ENJOY THIS.

James was ecstatic. He felt as if his soul was floating through time and space in a giddy dance. James smiled, a smile that came from pure and untouched joy. A space in his being that was rarely used, but when it was James had the best day even if his day was horrible. Like today. This is what James needed, what he longed for. James forgot about the abyss, about the clinging, about how alone and useless he felt for the rest of the time. Right now James had to trust that this victory would be enough to wipe his mind of the darkness, and let there be light. He let go, and instead of falling he soared.

 

As he walked into the studio he sighed, even if he was happy that Regulus was at the studio with him, the studio always touched his energy. When James was in front of the camera he felt free, as free as he could at least. Other days the camera made a minimal difference. James tried to use it as a ledge but it often failed. Working in this profession was part joy and majority pain to James. The people he worked with filled him with fear and worthlessness. It made him happy that he got to be part of a profession that was based in some of the arts. James still did want to perform music. Music still loomed large in James' mind. He longed to be on stage, performing and having people relate to his music. However, he was content with his profession. Enough at least to allow him to continue working. James contemplated quitting his job every day. On camera was one thing. But behind the scenes, he always felt dull. Dull didn’t compare.

Not today. No. Today he had Regulus and felt brighter than he had in years. He felt as though nothing mattered anymore. If James really tried he could even quit today.

No.

He would regret that. James was sinking, no, he was flying. He had to be flying.

He showed Regulus where the bathroom was, and where the couch was, and the snack room (plus where all the good snacks were hidden), and finally he showed Regulus his dressing room. He had his own room. A room where James had let himself fall apart so many times. A place where no one ever saw him.

But Regulus was seeing him, seeing him in his safe space. That had to mean something.

“So this is my dressing room. No one comes in unless they knock. It’s nice in the morning when it’s quiet and you can just listen to music. Do you listen to music ?” James was excited as he asked Regulus about his music interest. Regulus looked different, he looked more at ease.

“Yeah. I do. I really like Mitski, Greenday, and…-” Regulus stopped himself. “And ?” James gave him a small smile of hopefulness. Regulus sighed, or took a breath, James didn’t know. “And Taylor Swift…” Regulus looked at James with a look he couldn’t decipher… was it fear ? James didn’t know. James smiled. “I like Taylor too ! I also LOVE Chappel Roan. And Sabrina , OMG I LOVE SABRINA. Sorry.. I just love music. It’s so beautiful. I like really fun music. I also like Mitski. I should give Greenday a listen. But I also really like classical music like Motzart, Bach, and Beethoven. Music is just so magical and artistic and transports me to another world through sound and emotion. Classical music is especially awe-striking because of the ability to convey emotion and beautiful sound through only instrumentals.” James animatedly continued talking about music. He couldn’t stop himself. Regulus stared at James. “I like music a lot too. I also really like art. Music and art are similar in some ways.”

 

Regulus spoke with slightly more confidence. James was over the moon, that was the longest Regulus had ever spoken to him. His eyes were lit up. If James ever needed a ledge he would think about this moment. He needed to save it, to freeze it and put it in a frame in his mind. “Yeah they are, is that why you were drawing me that one day ? You’re into art ? Art is super cool. I think my favorite painting is Gathering Storm created by Ivan Aivazovsky. It’s so beautiful, and just draws me in. I feel like I knew it in another lifetime.”

James smiled at Regulus. Regulus looked more at ease now, his expression wasn’t hard or cold. It was.. calm ? No, that’s not it. James couldn’t explain it if he tried. It was beautiful nonetheless. James took a mental picture of it. James continued to try and capture everything about Regulus. Regulus was like a piece of art.

 

Maybe he could be James' new favorite piece.

 

“You know Ivan Aivazovsky ?” Is all Regulus got out. James couldn’t help but laugh at this.

“Understatement of the century.” Regulus remained stoic as always. “I like that painting as well, I understand what you mean about feeling as if you knew it before.”

James felt at ease. With Regulus, like this. This shared moment between the two of them. The world melted away. Everything James worried about constantly felt like specks in the distance. James felt like he was like a Georges Seurat painting. From far away he was beautiful and perfect. A piece of art that was admired and breathtaking. But up close. He felt like a bunch of dots, or specks or nothingness. Worthlessness. Flawed. Why couldn’t James be normal? Why couldn’t he feel normal? He knew this wasn’t how normal people acted. He knew it wasn’t normal. Why wasn’t he normal? He was normal today. That was enough, surely it was.

It was Regulus speaking that broke the silence James was fighting himself through. “Thank you for inviting me here today.” James smiled. Why was Regulus thanking him? He was the one who should be thanking Regulus. “It’s no problem.” James stood there awkwardly. “W-would you like a drink?” James managed to stutter out. Regulus had a smile tug at his features. Another small victory. “Sure thing.” James was ecstatic.

 

Regulus and James were sitting in the dressing room on his couch. They had been talking for a little bit now and James was trying not to show that he was over the moon. “Oh yeah definitely, I mean I live for the muffins from that bakery. The orange ones are so good.” James and Regulus had found themselves on the topic of food. “Oh yes. The orange muffins are to die for.” James laughed. “We should go get some together one time.” James said. Just then, as Regulus was about to respond his boss knocked harshly before barging in. “James you were supposed to be on TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES AGO- oh hello.” James' boss looked at Regulus and then back at James with disdain. “Get out here now.” James gave an apologetic glance at Regulus. He walked out with his boss and quickly walked onto the set trying not to get an earful of his boss.

He was filming a new shoot for the line of mens briefs that the company had just dropped. His first outfit was gray sweatpants and a pair of the underwear showing from above the waistline. He didn’t particularly care for this type of shoot but it wasn’t like it was his least favorite. The shoot itself didn't take long. Even with James being the primary model. It only took about an hour, with only four outfit changes.

James walked off the set to grab water, under the bright lights he was warm and sweating. He saw Regulus had been watching the shoot. He didn’t quite know how to feel about that.

On one hand, he was highly embarrassed that Regulus had seen him like that. On the other hand, he was… glad? Today, James was high on adrenaline and so was his ego. He went to get water and then walked over to Regulus.

“Hey, sorry that took so long. Did you wait out here the whole time,” he said with a frown. “I told you that you could wait in the dressing room or you could have left if you wanted. I hope it wasn’t too boring.” James started to ramble as his mind spiraled. He was too zoned out to realize that Regulus was practically ogling him.

He came back to his senses. “Uhm… well. The shoot is over now. So let me go change.” James said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. Standing this close to Regulus made him realize just how much taller he loomed over the boy. There had to be at least an eight inch difference. James knew he was tall, 6’4” was taller than a lot of the men his age. But realizing the difference made James feel oddly tall.

Regulus nodded as James walked to his dressing room. The room smelled like Regulus. He never wanted the scent to fade. So every time he broke down, every time he fell apart, every time he came undone he could have Regulus to cling onto.

He walked back out into the studio to find Regulus in the kitchen getting water. He walked in behind him, leaning against the door frame. “Hey.” Regulus jumped. James couldn’t help but chuckle at this. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Regulus sighed as he turned around. “No no, it’s okay. I was just getting another glass of water. Are we leaving?”

James' heart fluttered in his chest as Regulus said ‘we’. James wanted to be a ‘we’. “Uh yeah we can.” James walked out of the studio with Regulus, they stood on the sidewalk quite awkwardly. “Well- uh- thanks again for inviting me to this shoot today. You looked great. I mean- like- you did great. I have an art class. Bye.” Regulus managed to ramble out before walking away, leaving James red faced and confused. “…is to fall from the ass to the butt…” James breathed out. He was down bad.

Notes:

next chapter will be from Reggie (my beloved) pov. Also I want to thank @kah.mmoura or Kah on insta for the help with the start of James brazilian background. Lots of love everyone xoxo- Principessa.

Chapter 6: Trust takes two

Summary:

Chapter 5 but from Regulus's pov. Also background on Regulus.

WARNINGS:
Inappropriate content ahead. (No smut however thoughts and jokes surrounding sexual interactions)

TW*:
Internalized homophobia (gets addressed slightly)
Self-deprecation

Please proceed with cautions lovelies !

Notes:

Please enjoy this chapter lovelies. Hoping to get chapter seven out soon. Also, if you don't like any of the music taste in this chapter PLEASE keep it to yourself. This is my interpretation of their personalities and music taste. Thank you ! You can imagine it as something else if you would please but keep in mind this is a modern au, so all the music artists listed are accurate here.

PLEASE LAUGH AT MY DIRTY JOKES. 😭

Any who, enjoy !

With love, xoxo
-Principessa

“What do you do?” He asked.

He partially knew what James did, but he wanted so desperately to hear James' voice more. He was eager to see the light in his eyes. The truth was that Regulus had seen him on posters and in shops. He knew what James did. He saw James' computer screen. He knew. But seeing the light in James' eyes was worth pretending like he didn’t.

When he first saw James, he knew that James was special. He rarely ever showed people his drawings. On the rare chance they asked, that is. But something in him compelled him to show James, to even offer him the drawing. When his eyes met James, Regulus felt like he had known James for a thousand lifetimes. Like James was special to him already, before even properly meeting the boy. And when James smiled at him—oh god... when he smiled. Regulus felt the world disappear as if James' smile could cure all of the problems in Regulus’s world with the simple act.

Sketching James had been like trying to capture half of the beauty he felt radiate from being in his presence.

“Oh, well I’m a model for a well-known clothing company! I have always loved photography and modeling. I just felt like it embodied an air of photography that made me drawn to it. I actually have a shoot today! You can come if you want, we’re allowed to bring one guest!”

Regulus felt his heart stop. Was he dreaming, no. Regulus Black didn’t dream. He had his feet firmly planted on the ground. He stayed silent longer than he wanted just thinking of all the ways how he responded could affect the future. “Okay.”

Regulus didn’t know how this would play out, if his mother saw how he was behaving. Oh—he didn’t want to think about that. She was dead. She couldn’t hurt him; she couldn’t hurt anymore of his relationships. Dead. That part of his life was dead.

Walking into the studio with James was astonishing. It was huge, and bright. Too bright for Regulus’s taste, but he didn’t care. As James showed him around he couldn’t focus on what he was saying.

 

All Regulus could focus on was James' smile, his eyes.

Regulus could stare at James forever and never get bored. No. True men find suitable women. His fathers word echoed through his mind; he hardened again. Toujours Pur.

“So, this is my dressing room. No one comes in unless they knock. It’s nice in the morning when it’s quiet and you can just listen to music. Do you listen to music?” Obviously, Regulus listened to music. Music was artful, it was skillful, it was beautiful. He couldn’t fathom not listening to music, what a ridiculous question.

“Yeah. I do. I really like Mitski, Greenday, and…-” Why was Regulus telling him his actual music taste? No, real artists listen to classical music. But Regulus couldn’t stop himself.

James had this effect, he made Regulus want to tear down all his carefully built walls. The walls Regulus spent years building. “…and Taylor Swift.”

Regulus braced himself for a laugh, scoff, or even just cruel words. But none of this came. When he looked at James, all he saw was a bright and kind smile. Not one of condescension, but one of relation and joy.

Regulus wasn’t prepared for this, he was used to the hate and hurt that came with showing his true self. With James, none of this occurred. He could be open and honest and have no backlash.

“I like Taylor too! I also LOVE Chappel Roan. And Sabrina, OMG I LOVE SABRINA. Sorry... I just love music. It’s so beautiful. I like really fun music. I also like Mitski. I should give Greenday a listen. But I also really like classical music like Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven. Music is just so magical and artistic and transports me to another world through sound and emotion. Classical music is especially awe-striking because of the ability to convey emotion and beautiful sound through only instrumentals.” Regulus was awe-struck. How could someone be so perfect? So innocent, caring, kind, and just trustworthy. “I like music a lot too. I also really like art. Music and art are similar in some ways.” And it was true. He had thought this—privately—since he was a young boy.

When James had brought up Ivan Aivazovsky—more specifically Regulus’s favorite painting in existence—he had been rendered speechless. Regulus completely understood what James meant about knowing the painting prior to ever seeing it. That was part of the appeal to Regulus. He felt as though he had known it for years and years. Lifetimes and lifetimes.

 

Like he had loved, not just the painting. Like he had loved his one.

 

But Regulus was grounded in reality. Love was for fools. Relationships were purely transactional. Based on mutual benefit for each person to profit. Regulus had to carry on the legacy or he was worthless. Useless. Unwanted. He didn’t deserve to be around someone who treated him like James did. Only good people deserve good things. And Regulus was far from good. Shoving these thoughts back he brought himself back to the here and now.

On a couch. In a room. With James Potter. James Potter's dressing room. Talking about… orange muffins? “Oh yes. The orange muffins are to die for.” He found himself agreeing with James. “We should go get some together one time.” Regulus couldn’t breathe. He was torn, he was happy that James was wanting his company. He was glad he would get to see the light that radiated from James shine again. But he didn’t deserve this. He was about to answer when someone came in and started yelling angrily at James. Regulus could only assume it was his boss.

All of the sudden James was gone, just barely sparing Regulus an apologetic glance. He knew James had said he could stay here. But Regulus was thirsty for Ja—water. He went to go to the kitchen when he saw the shoot.

In that moment Regulus’s whole life stopped.

Regulus hadn’t known what the shoot was intended to be about. But he was mesmerized. James was stood under the bright lights in nothing but a pair of boxers and sweats. Regulus’s gaze softened, but that was the only part of Regulus that softened. He hadn’t realized just how hot James was. Holy shit—what was he thinking. No this was wrong, but if this was wrong Regulus didn’t know if he wanted to be right.

He stood and watched the entire shoot, Regulus almost fainted at the final outfit James bode. He walked out in just boxers and Regulus saw his entire life flash before his eyes. Fuck his parents. Regulus didn’t care if he was wrong anymore. Because how could wrong feel so right? He knew it had to be right. It just had to be.

As the shoot was wrapping up, he saw James walk off and make eye contact with him. ‘Don’t stop looking in my eyes’ He silently pleaded. His pleas were denied as James walked into the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water looking slightly less sweaty than before. “Hey, sorry that took so long. Did you wait out here the whole time,” he said with a frown. “I told you that you could wait in the dressing room, or you could have left if you wanted. I hope it wasn’t too boring.”

James started rambling again, but Regulus could barely hear him over the pounding in his chest. James was lost in thought; a troubling look on his face. But his face was the last place Regulus was looking. Well—maybe at his lips. But that came later. Just like he would. Maybe it wouldn’t be later as his eyes traveled dangerously low. It was James’s voice that pulled Regulus from his thoughts—if he could even call them that.

More like fantasies.

“Uhm… well. The shoot is over now. So let me go change.” James was shyly rubbing his neck. The close proximity of James, and the way he could feel the heat radiating between the two of them was driving Regulus mad. He was so close to just grabbing James and kissing him. Thankfully, James walked away before Regulus could make such an idiotic and impulsive decision.

Regulus was left standing in the hallway breathless and flushed. “Merde…” was all he was able to breathe out. Regulus needed to get himself under control, he was acting reckless. Reckless people get hurt. He didn’t care if he got hurt, it was James he was worried about. So, it was for this reason Regulus knew he needed to leave before he could end up acting recklessly and not be able to manage the consequences.

He went to get water as he originally intended to. Water would cool him off. The silence of the kitchen allowed Regulus to clear his head. Regulus loved being alone. That was fact, that would remain fact. “Hey.” The unexpected comment made Regulus jump. He turned to see James leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen chuckling. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Regulus was mortified. No one ever scared him, at least not that they saw. So, James seeing this vulnerable part of Regulus scared him. SHIT. No. It didn’t scare him. It definitely didn’t.

“No no, it’s okay. I was just getting another glass of water. Are we leaving?” Regulus hadn’t meant to say we. Or had he? He didn’t know. Why didn’t he know? Regulus was supposed to be grounded and in control, but right now he lacked both of those traits. “Uh yeah we can.” There it was again, just as ominously and innocent. Regulus was starting to panic. He was spiraling and couldn’t seem to grasp anything to stop himself.

As they walked out into the bright daylight Regulus didn’t know what to say. He and James stood awkwardly in silence on the sidewalk. Being with James ignited a flame in Regulus he didn’t know he had. But he knew that those who played with fire often got burned.

And he didn’t want to get burned so he muttered the first excuse that came to mind.

“Well- uh- thanks again for inviting me to this shoot today. You looked great. I mean- like- you did great. I have an art class. Bye.” Oh bloody fucking hell. What the fuck was that? It was true that Regulus did have class but that was most definitely where he was NOT going.

Notes:

I don't really have an idea of chapter seven yet so I can't say what it's going to be yet. Anyways, have a great day/night loves.

-Principessa

Chapter 7: Confusion and Regrets

Summary:

The aftermath of the shoot.

Warning:
Makes reference to sexual topic

Tw:
Character death (not main)
-Murder
-Suicide
Depression
Internalized homophobia (addressed and resolved [mostly])

Please proceed with caution

Notes:

Okay so- a large chunk of this chapter is made up of text convo. I apologize. But I was struggling and writing text convos is fun so don’t come at me.

Also I apologize for the angst in the beginning, its made up for in the end !

Regulus was awake. More awake than he had felt in years. His day had been filled with immense amounts of confusion and regret. The events of this morning plagued his mind, he had skipped class due to this.

Why was he letting this affect him so much?

He shouldn’t feel this way about James. James is a guy. Men don’t love guys. There was that word again. Men didn’t start relationships with men. Men initiated relationships with women. The Black family is noble. The Black family has pride. This is how he lost his brother. He couldn’t afford to lose anything else to this… disease as his mother had called it.

His brother Sirius– Sirius.

Sirius had been kicked out when he came out. Regulus was only twelve. He silently prayed Sirius would bring him with him. Not leave him with those monsters of human beings. But Sirius had left, without a glance back. Sirius had a new brother somewhere. He didn’t know who or where but he knew it had happened. He lost his brother the day Sirius left. He couldn’t lose anything else. So he needed to figure out whatever was going on and fix it.

As he lay awake in bed he pulled out his phone. Regulus rarely went on social media. He preferred to live a life in disconnected peaceful isolation. But something–or rather someone–was compelling him to redownload it. He stared at the download button underneath the pink, yellow, and purple logo that was Instagram. Before he could turn back he clicked it and watched as the small circle completed itself. Opening the app he struggled to remember his login. He finally figured it out and logged in, staring at his account. It was rather bland, no personality conveyed except for one post from six years ago. A happy birthday post for his friend Barty.

He smiled as he recalled the day.

But it was quickly wiped away from the thoughts that always came along when he thought of Barty. He shuddered. Barty was his best friend. Using the word ‘was’ still hurt Regulus. Barty had been brutally murdered at sixteen. He had been in a friend group, it was him, Barty, Evan, and Pandora. After the death of Barty, they had all relied on each other. Grieving together silently. Shortly after the death of Barty, they had another funeral to attend. If they could even call it that, it was just him and Pandora setting up a small memorial in the woods for him. Barty and Evan had been dating for three years, it ended up being too much for Evan and he had to go be with his love. He couldn’t live without his life.

Pandora and him remained friends, closer than ever. They were the only way they made it after the immense loss they had endured. Pandora was the only person who had ever seen Regulus cry. She and Regulus had held each other the entire night after they had hosted the memorial. Pandora and him were attending art school together now. Still close as ever. Pandora was his platonic soulmate. If Regulus never found romantic love, he could cope knowing that he had found the truest and most untouched form of love and care.

Sighing, he deleted the post. It hurt too much.

He went to text Pandora. To get what was happening off of his mind.

 

Regulus: Hello Panda.
Pandora: Heyy Reggie, what’s going on?
Regulus: I’m going mad. Do you know who James Potter is?
Pandora: The model?
Regulus: Yes, that would be the one. Well we met in a café and he gave me his number. And then he invited me onto the set of one of his shoots and I’m going insane because I think I may like him. And it’s driving me mad. Because I know I’m not supposed to, but he makes it so hard when he treats me so well and he does all these small little adorable things that make me want to just grab him a snog his face off. Does that even make sense? Please help.
Pandora: Regulus Arcturus Black, you mean to tell me that you have one of the fucking hottest men in England in your contacts and you want to end things? Regulus, I will not let you make another decision that will haunt you forever. So if you want to end things, that's for you to figure out. Otherwise I better be your best woman at your wedding. Goodnight. Love you lots.

 

Regulus knew it was no use trying to fight with Pandora. She was only trying to do what she thought was best for him.

Sighing he went back on Instagram, he decided to search up James. Multiple accounts popped up. Checking the top accounts he found James' professional account. He additionally found James private. He quickly hit the request button, not allowing himself to be afraid of the consequences.

His request was quickly approved. He was shocked. He half-expected it to never go anywhere. Especially with how he abruptly left James standing alone this morning. He was surprised James still wanted anything to do with him. Feeling the spike of adrenaline he decided to text James.

It couldn’t hurt? It most definitely could, but Regulus would have to think about that part later.

The more he thought about Pandora's words the more his confidence grew. If only ever so slightly. His parents were dead. The only person whose opinion truly mattered anymore was Pandora. And he knew what she thought. Who cared if he loved who he wanted to. There it was again. Love. Maybe there was more to relationships than just transactions. Maybe they were about… that.

Opening the message log with James he typed up a message. He hoped James was still awake to read this. Or did he? Maybe he wished he was asleep, so he could be well rested. He stared at the message. Fear coursing through his body. Hitting send he quickly closed his phone and threw it on the bed.

Regulus: Hey. Sorry about this morning.

He buried his face into his pillow. He heard his phone buzz. He took a deep breath, picking up his phone and reading the screen.

James: Heyyy! No worries. I was actually wondering… would you still want to go get those muffins with me? Like no pressure if not. You can totally tell me to bugger off.

Regulus smiled. Truly smiled. A grin that he couldn’t control spread across his full face. And he felt the unfamiliar feeling of a laugh bubble in his throat. Staring at the message he thought of what was happening. James Potter was breaking down Regulus’s walls. Perhaps without even realizing it. And Regulus was… happy? He was. He was happy. He let himself ride the feeling and messaged James back.

Regulus: Sure.
Regulus: What date and time?
James: What are you doing tomorrow?
Regulus: Nothing. I have class in the morning but after that I am free all afternoon.
James: Perfect! 14:00? I have a shoot in the morning so it works out.
Regulus: 14:00 works. On the topic of shoots, thank you again for inviting me this morning.
James: It’s truly no problem. You can come to another one eventually if you want. But they’re a bit boring so no problem if not.
Regulus: That sounds great. Thank you Jamie.

Holy shit. Regulus didn’t know what came over him. He hadn’t truly thought about the implications of calling James that. James hadn’t responded and Regulus was spiraling. What if he had scared him away and ruined his one true shot at love. Love. His shot at love. That thought consumed everything else that Regulus was thinking. Like mixing white into a sea of dark colors. Regulus let himself be consumed. Regulus had longed for love his whole life. To love. To be loved. To share love with someone. He didn’t know much about what was happening. But Regulus knew one thing. James was turning his life as he knew it upside down.

And he wasn’t fighting it.

James: *loved a message*
James: Of course Reggie.

Regulus’s heart stopped beating. Reggie? Pandora was the only one who ever called him that. More accurately, Pandora was the only one Reggie ever allowed to call him that. His heart fluttered, much against Regulus’s will. James didn’t leave. James stayed. He stayed with Regulus and used a nickname back. Regulus was very confused.

Regulus: Reggie?
James: Yeah. Jamie?
Regulus. Touché.
James: *laughed at this message*
James: So tell me something about yourself. I want to know the mysteries of Reggie.
Regulus: … What is this? An interrogation?
James: Yes. Yes it is. Now answer the question Mr. Mystery Man.
Regulus: You wanker. Fine. I’m twenty-one.
James: What an old man. Who knew I was talking to someone so ancient? I’m twenty-five.
Regulus: And you have the audacity to call me old? You’re halfway to thirty. You idiot.
James: I’m hurt Reg. How dare you call me an idiot? I’m very smart, thank you.
Regulus: Whatever you say Jamie.
James: Okay, thank you. Now, where did you go this morning? Because I know for almost certain it wasn’t class.
Regulus: Wouldn’t you like to know?
James: Yes I most certainly would.

Regulus knew where he had gone. After his panic of seeing James in just his underwear he had rushed to his flat. He had urgent business to attend to in order to allow him to think somewhat straight. But admitting that to James was the last thing on earth Regulus would ever do.

Regulus: I went home.
James: Oh wow. What an interesting life you lead.
Regulus: I swear to god I’ll block you.
James: WAIT. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t block me Reggieee. I still want to get muffins with you!
Regulus: Fine. You’re spared. Now get some sleep.
James: Okay mama Regulus.
Regulus: James-
James: Sorry, sorry, goodnight reggie. 😊
Regulus: Goodnight my Jamie.

Regulus didn’t even mind what he had said to James. He was too occupied dealing with the overwhelming thoughts of what tomorrow could hold to be bothered with caring. Regulus slept better than he had ever slept before that night. And for once, he had dreams instead of nightmares.

Notes:

Love yall.-Principessa

“And for once, he had dreams instead of nightmares. “

Chapter 8: Breaking Walls

Summary:

Drama and fluff. There's some more of Brazilian James in this chapter. He speaks in Portuguese at one point during the chapter. See end notes for translations.

Notes:

Hello lovelies,
as always you know me I need to add something other than fluff so I apologize about the beginning. Fluff is more towards the ends. As mentioned in the summary we see more of Brazilian James. (not a lot. my apologies.) He does speak in Portuguese at one point in the chapter so please refer to the end notes for translations. I want to thank Kah on insta--user mentioned in previous notes--for helping me out with translations and information about the culture and traditions in Brazil.

 

EDITED CHAPTER

Regulus awoke the next morning to the buzzing of his phone. It was repeatedly buzzing over and over again to the point where Regulus thought it was an alarm he had set. This ultimately led to him trying to snooze it and failing.

 

Groaning, he sat up and grabbed his phone. Looking at his notifications, he had at least twenty texts from Jami–James. He had at least twenty texts from James. Free willed, single, and friendly James.

 

The events of last night came flooding back as he remembered that he had his… uh- meetup? Hangout? He had the time he was to go get orange muffins with James.

 

Checking the texts it consisted of James being James. So James saying good morning repeatedly. He sighed and responded with a simple hello. Regulus was not a morning person. Being awake at 08:00 when he could’ve slept till 09:00 made him slightly irritated. But how could anyone be annoyed with James Potter right? Wrong. Regulus was still annoyed at this.

 

He got up and accepted his fate shuffling to the bathroom. Staring at himself in the mirror he yawned again. His curls were messily torn apart and the bags under his eyes were–less bad than prior days–still there. But it felt like only Regulus could ever see them. Regulus splashed cold water on his face to wake him up slightly. He then addressed whatever bird's nest currently had inhabited Regulus’s head. Getting dressed he grabbed his bag and walked towards the café.

 

Nodding at the barista he took a seat at the table James normally sat at. When he initially had sat here the day they met he hadn’t known James sat here. But now that he knew it felt like having a piece of James when he sat here. Not that he wanted that.

 

Sighing he walked up to the counter for the first time. When Regulus had started coming here he never ordered anything and utilized it as a peaceful place to get work for class done. He knew James was friendly with the barista. He hadn’t neglected the fact that James and the barista had laughed together and shared knowing smiles, he didn’t overlook the fact James always waved at the boy and exchanged friendly pleasantries. He knew they were at least somewhat close. Had he known then what he had known now maybe he would’ve saved the interaction that was about to occur for another day.

 

“Hello.” He greeted the barista politely. Regulus felt like he had known the boy, seen him somewhere before. “Hiya, what can I get for ya today?” He even sounded familiar. He shared a similar accent to the boy, however the difference was that Regulus’s accent sounded more elegant and refined.

 

“Just a black coffee. Thank you.” The boy smiled at Regulus. Regulus still couldn’t shake the feeling of familiarity. “It’ll be ready at the end for you. If you need anything else give me a shout, name’s Sirius.”

 

No. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. It was just a coincidence. He waited down at the end, his mind running a million miles a minute. It had to be a coincidence. It’s been nine years, surely it wasn’t him.

 

“What was the name for that by the way, love?” If it was him, clearly the other boy was oblivious as well. “Regulus.”

 

The boy’s smile dropped. It was him. This was going to be a shit show. “Regulus what?” The boy said quietly but with an edge that wasn’t there moments prior. “Black.”

 

Regulus wasn’t running, he was going to let this play out because Sirius deserved this. After running out on Regulus, Sirius deserved whatever shit this was going to bring him in his new perfect life.

 

“Why so Sirius?” Regulus personally thought he was quite funny. Sirius only glared at him. “What the fuck are you doing here.” It wasn’t a question, it was an accusation. Regulus internally recoiled.

 

“I suppose I could ask you the same thing.” The boy's eyes narrowed more. “Nine years is a long time, but I have a feeling you perhaps have tried to shut that chapter of your life by now.” Sirius went to go speak but stopped himself. Something holding him back.

 

“Here’s your coffee. Have a good fucking day.” So this is how it was. Sirius was going to ice him out again. Fine. Grabbing the coffee he returned to his seat. Sparing a dollar in the tip jar. Regulus pulled out his headphones and blasted music in his ears. He sketched in his sketchbook as he sipped his coffee.

 

Glancing at the time it was 10:30, his class started in thirty minutes. Regulus could make it in time right? Sure he could, quickly packing up his things he was out the door without so much of a second glance. Sprinting down the street towards his academy. Regulus couldn’t be late. It would make him look bad after he had also missed class yesterday.

 

He heard a familiar voice call out to him. “Hey there Reggie.” James. Turning to see where the voice came from he saw the boy walking up behind him. The sun giving his skin a luminous and radiant glow. It had only been a day but Regulus had already forgotten just how gorgeous he thought James was. No. Yes. No. James was gorgeous, but that was in a totally non-romantic and purely factual way. James WAS gorgeous. He was a model, models are gorgeous. That was a fact.

 

“James? What are you doing here? I thought you had a shoot…” Regulus was confused. Had he just imagined their text conversation last night? “Yeah I did. But it was early as all hell. And then I saw you and figured I would come say hello.”

 

Regulus could feel the red on his cheeks catching and spreading like a wildfire. He bowed his head in an attempt for James not to notice. “Hello.” Is all Regulus muttered out.

 

“Are you headed to class?” James was so… infuriating. The way he did such innocent little acts drove Regulus bonkers. “Oh… uh yeah—yes… I am. I’m actually running a little late. Something happened at the café. So I got set a little bit off track.” Regulus started to ramble to James.

 

“Oh okay. Do you need a ride? We can take my car. It’s just around the block.” Regulus felt himself melt. Him. In James Potter's car. “Oh- I couldn’t possibly accept it’s okay.” James smiled warmly. “No. I insist now. You will ride in my car to your art class. Come on.”

 

James grabbed Regulus’s hand in his own and gently tugged him forward towards his car. Regulus felt his heart rate accelerate. James' hands were soft. But they were bigger than Regulus’s and their hands felt as if they were crafted to hold each other's hands.

 

They made it to James’s car. He had a red Jeep. He didn’t know why, but that oddly made sense to Regulus. “Here let me get the door for you.” And James did. He got the door and offered Regulus his hand to assist him up into the car. Regulus could have fainted then and there.

 

Regulus sat in the car and looked around as James walked to his side to get in. The car was very nice. It had entirely black seats with red stitching. There was a small Spiderman plush hanging from the rearview mirror. Regulus fought the urge to chuckle at this. The whole car smelled like James.

 

As he got in James smiled at Regulus. Turning on the car the radio started playing, James quickly connected his bluetooth and started playing his playlist. “Starman” by David Bowie started playing, the 2012 Remaster. James started singing along as they pulled onto the street. Regulus chuckled. He hadn’t expected James to listen to Regulus based on the previous artists he mentioned he listened to. James' face was lit up as he sang along. He started drumming on the wheel. Regulus couldn’t fathom how he could be so adorable.

 

As the next song was about to start playing James got a call from his mom. He gave Regulus an apologetic glance, “Sorry I have to take this real fast.” Answering the phone he heard the women start speaking faintly from where he was seated. “Sim, mamãe, ainda vou voltar pra casa esse fim de semana.” He nodded along to whatever the woman was saying. “Sim…. Sim..” He continued. “Sim mamãe, também te amo. Falo com você depois.”

 

He smiled and hung up the phone allowing the music to resume. “Sorry about that, I’m heading home for a weekend and my mom is just confirming some last minute details.” Regulus nodded. “Oh okay, where are you traveling to?” Regulus was truly curious. “Ah, I’m headed home to Brazil. But am I hearing correctly? Is Reggie interested in my life?” He said with a sly grin. “Oh no. Never. I was just being polite.”

 

James just smiled, that James Potter smile that gave Regulus the urge to just smile and stare at James forever. “We’re almost to the academy. Is it okay if I pick you up to escort you to our date this afternoon?” He had called it a date. But he could have just meant that it was a friendly date. That had to be what he meant.

 

“Uh.. sure. I’ll be out around 13:00. But you don’t have to James. I can walk to the bakery so that you don’t have to come back here. It’s out of the way.” Regulus felt bad that James was going to inconvenience himself to pick him up. “No no it’s okay. I want to. It’ll make me happy.”
Regulus felt himself turn into a tomato for the umpteenth time today.

 

“Okay then. Thank you, and thank you for the ride. I’ll see you after my class then I suppose.” He was secretly overjoyed that James was going to be picking him up. He wanted to be around James forever. As he walked in through the doors of his uni he could only think about how he couldn’t wait to walk out of them. James Potter was breaking down walls.

 

Throughout the class Regulus barely paid attention. He didn’t even have his normalcy in the class. Especially considering Panda was absent today as well. He might’ve been able to regain some of his attention span had Dora been there to help him.

 

Sighing he looked at his half completed sketch he had due for the class. The project was due in a month and a half and he hadn’t even finished the sketch. The prompt truly wasn’t that hard. It was to draw something you loved. But Regulus hadn’t truly felt like he…. loved… anything. He cared deeply for Dora, he could draw her. No, she was already drawing him. That warmed the cold in Regulus. He could draw his br–no. That was dumb. He could draw art supplies. But that felt basic. So he didn’t truly know what he had on the paper considering he didn’t know what he even wanted to do.

 

Sighing again he glanced at the clock. He could figure it out later. Although ever since he adopted that mentality it felt as if he had been waiting till later but not figuring anything out. He would deal with that later. He packed up his things and walked out into the street to find James standing there waiting with a small bouquet of flowers.

 

A bouquet of black roses?

 

How–... Regulus was stunned. “I-Uh-Thank you Jami–James–Thank you James. How did you know?” Regulus’s life wasn’t coherent anymore, let alone his sentences. Regulus was flushed bright like a tomato. He didn’t try to fight the effect James had on him at this moment.

 

“I thought they embodied you. Black roses are my favorite kind of rose as well so it might have also been biased. But then I saw the baby’s breath and thought it needed to be in there for artistic contrast. Because a special artist deserves a special artistic bouquet.” James smiled at him while saying this. Regulus found the ground awfully interesting at this precise moment.

 

“Are you ready to go meu amor?” Regulus was out of his mind, he loved foreign languages. And hearing James call him “my love” in portuguese was… chefs kiss. His. Regulus wanted to–deep down–be with James. He wanted to be his. HIS love.

 

James offered out an arm and he subconsciously linked arms with it, still lost in the mesmerizing thoughts of the possibilities that James Potter offered. And how he wanted to indulge himself in the possibilities.

 

“Can I hold your hand?” James asked quietly. Regulus couldn’t resist. His own temptation and the temptation to indulge James any and every request. “...Of course.” Not okay. Not fine. Not if you must. Of course. Because why wouldn’t he be allowed to. He was Regulus’s sun, his lifeline. Regulus couldn’t help but want to never refuse him.

 

The second time holding hands technically, but the first officially. Their hands connected smoother and more seamlessly than before, if that was even possible. Like if they ever let go of each other’s hands, they would never feel that sense of completion that they didn’t know existed until they had felt it with each other again.

 

Walking down the street with James Potter was not something he had expected. As they made it to the bakery they walked in. The bell rang. James immediately noticed Remus working again. They set their things down on an empty table, however this wasn’t a struggle due to the fact the entire bakery was empty. Or so it seemed.

 

“I’m glad you’re here with me.” James smiled. And Regulus smiled back. “I… I’m glad I’m here too.” Regulus barely whispered out. He was afraid if he said it too loud he would wake up and it would all be fake. “You’re real…”

 

James smiled and touched Regulus’s hand. “I am. I really am real, I promise.” James smiled and went up to the counter. Regulus engrained the smile into his brain. So he could always have it, he could picture it and remember the tall brown haired boy whose smile could warm Regulus from the cold, the boy who could allow Regulus to love. Regulus knew what he would draw for his project.

 

When James returned with a muffin in each hand he carefully set the muffin down in front of Regulus. His hand brushed Regulus’s hands who were placed on the table. Regulus stared at his muffin. He had always loved these muffins, but now he loved them even more. Because they reminded him of James.

 

“Thank you Jami-Jame-Jamie. Jamie. Thank you Jamie.” James' face flushed an adorable pink. “Oh uh yeah- of course. So how’s school going?” Regulus was ecstatic. He secretly loved when people asked about his passions. Not when he prompted them to ask. But when they asked on their own.

 

“Oh it’s going good. We have a project due soon, we have to draw something we love. I think I sort of figured out what I’m drawing but I’m not sure yet.” James nodded. His eyes had this sort of far out look to them, but not in the sense that he wasn’t listening. More in the sense he was listening to. every. single. word. His eyes had this look of love and admiration in them that made Regulus’s heart flutter.

 

“How was your shoot this morning?” Regulus asked curiously, he had been thinking a lot about the shoot he had gone to with James last time. “Oh it went well, boss yelled at me some more but the shoot itself went smoothly.” James just playfully rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

Regulus still hadn’t touched his muffin, he looked over at James who had finished his. Noting this he took a small bite of the muffin. Dainty and elegant. “Oh bloody hell, finally. I thought you were never going to even touch the muffin.” James exclaimed dramatically. “Do you want some more muffin, I never eat the whole thing.” “Oh uh- are you sure?” “Please, now it won’t go to waste.” As they finished the muffin together they shared laughs and smiles.

 

Regulus felt like his whole life weighed down less on him now. They got up to leave, walking out the door with a small goodbye to the cashier. Standing out on the sidewalk they sighed. “I guess I need to get home.” He sighed, he didn’t want to leave James. Maybe if he was lucky James would walk him home. He would let James do that.

 

“May I accompany you home to ensure you arrive safely?”

 

YES! Regulus silently cheered and thanked the stars that James offered this. “Sure. Thank you again for the muffin.” James smiled. He linked hands with Regulus again as they walked towards Regulus’s flat. He led James slightly. James pointed out some of his favorite spots around town as they walked. Regulus sighed contentedly. He was in love. In love with James Potter.

 

They made it to his door and they stood outside of it awkwardly for a moment. “Thank you for joining me today.” James said sheepishly. He looked down and rubbed his neck. Regulus loved when he did that. “Thank you for inviting me. It was truly so much fun James.” James lit up at this. Like he had achieved a gold medal or something. “I guess I’ll see you around?” James replied. “I’ll text you and maybe we can meet up again.”

 

James smiled and turned to walk away.

 

“Wait.”

 

James turned around and Regulus grabbed him and crashed his lips against James. James didn’t pull away, he pulled Regulus closer to him and sighed into the kiss. Regulus hadn’t known what came over him, but he let all the tension, all the wait, all the confusion, all his locked up love, all of his heart go into the kiss.

 

He broke away, “I’m sorry James. I don’t know what came over-” but before he could finish their lips were back together as James kissed him this time.

 

“Don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize for giving me heaven.”

 

James muttered between kisses. Regulus fumbled with the lock as they kissed and pulled James inside the flat.

 

James made it through the walls.

Notes:

"Sim, mamãe, ainda vou voltar pra casa esse fim de semana." This translates to "Yes mama, I'm still coming home this weekend."

“Sim…. Sim..” Translates to "Yes...Yes.."

“Sim mamãe, também te amo. Falo com você depois.”Translates to" Yes mama, I love you too. I'll talk to you later."

Once again thank you to Kah on insta. She is amazing!

I do have class starting back up so I probably will be posting significantly less. Hoping to get minimum a chapter a week. School is crazy though so I apologize if I struggle!

Lots of love!!
Principessa!

Chapter 9: Night

Summary:

"Regulus what are we?"

 

"Lovers."

 

OR

Some drama and depression and drinking and then some fluff because I felt like it.

 

TW:
-Internalized homophobia
-Depressive state

Notes:

Hello my loves,

I truly apologize for the long wait. Testing and school have had me held up. That and writers block. I also updated the tags. This fic has been decided as MCD. I'm sorry but it just works so well with what I have planned. I hope you all have been well. Also hope you held up through Halloween (to those who celebrate.)

Lots of love as always.
Principessa.
XX

James was the sun.

 

He loved like the sun. Regulus hadn’t truly known warmth until his lips had met James Potter’s lips. As they stumbled through the door still tangled together Regulus felt the warmth James radiated.

 

It was magic, he was magic.

 

How could one person make him feel this euphoric? How could one person have such heavy control on Regulus’s thoughts and emotions? But these questions would have to be saved for later as the only thing Reg could focus on was James.

 

**************

 

James pulled away, pulling Regulus from his thoughts with him. Regulus frowned internally at the loss of contact.

 

“Regulus.”

 

His heart stopped. He thought it was odd that James wasn’t trying to call him Reg or Reggie. He wore a look of solemness as he stared into Regulus’s eyes. “Yeah?” Regulus was nervous. He let himself be consumed by the fear that had been slowly eating at him for years.

 

“What’s happening between us.”

 

It was less of a question and more of a statement. He didn’t know how to respond, he didn’t know what was happening between them.

 

“Uh. I mean we’re in my flat. We were snogging. And now we’re not.” James had the ghost of a frown on his face.

 

“Can I ask you something, or maybe tell you, I don’t know. Can I just talk to you about something?” Regulus wasn’t ready for the words that were threatening to come out of James Potter’s mouth. His gorgeous mouth. “Yes.”

 

James looked around the room nervously, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. Like he was trying to commit the layout and look of it to memory to never forget. Regulus knew what that was like.

 

“Regulus, I like you. I like you a lot actually,” oh fuck. “I-I love you even. And I want us to be more than whatever this was. I want to be with you. But I don’t know what we are right now. And it’s been eating me alive to do this song and dance.”

 

James wore an expression of sadness and fear. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This isn’t happening. This shouldn’t be happening. He shouldn’t have let this get so out of hand. “I- James.” He tried, but the words refused to come out.

 

“You need to leave.”

 

Was all he managed, his mind was spinning too fast to think of the consequences of what he was doing. He opened his door and practically shoved James out. Locking the door and sliding to the floor.

 

What has he done? What is he doing? People snog. Yeah, they snog. And that can be platonic. Men don’t get together. The voices of both of his parents came flooding back. Everything he had shoved away to let him and James get this far was bursting out.

 

He had hit the bottom.

 

**************

 

Regulus hadn’t been the same for the past three days. He had stayed hidden away in his flat. Skipping lessons, skipping chores, and skipping anything that required him to actually move from the safety and security of his bed.

 

He especially avoided the café.

 

By day four Pandora was concerned and came over to his flat to check on him. He had been laying in bed–big shocker–and listening to music when she burst into his room.

 

“Regulus fucking Black, where the fuck have you been? I thought you fucking died.” This was the angriest he had ever seen Dora. He winced at the loud noise.

 

“Dora can you please be a tad quieter?” He covered his head with a pillow. She rolled her eyes.

 

“Where have you been?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.

 

“I’ve been here, in bed.” He stared at her with an apathetic stare.

 

“Why have you been avoiding the outside, and by the looks of it, the inside as well for the past three days?” She opened the blinds–much to the disapproval and protests of Regulus–and picked up some clothes off the floor.

 

“I have not. I’ve just been laying in bed.”

 

What a lie.

 

Apparently Pandora knew this was a lie as well. “That’s a lie and we both know this. And you look like shit. So get your ass up and in the shower.” He didn’t even have a chance to argue as she pulled back the covers and pushed him out of the bed. He reluctantly stumbled to the bathroom.

 

The warm water of the shower ran over his skin, reminding him far too much of the warming touch of James. He quickly turned the water cold. Shivering at the thought of James.

 

He rushed to finish his shower and walked out to Dora cleaning his room.

“You don’t have to do that. I was going to clean.”

“Yeah, you totally were you wanker.”

 

As he finished getting dressed he finally was trying to work up the courage to check his phone. He picked it up with shaking hands. He had been avoiding this, he didn’t want to face the potential of what was on the screen.

 

Looking at the screen he opened his eyes to see no notifications. His heart sank. This was worse. Part of him expected James to at least try once to message him. The other part was screaming that this was good. Because it was, wasn’t it? It was. It didn’t matter. It was fine.

 

He walked out into his living room to see it significantly tidier than he had left it. He would have to thank Dora for that. Glancing at the time he would still have time for coffee. If he hurried. He looked put together. That was a positive.

 

**************

 

Walking into the café felt like walking into a sword.

 

The air felt too heavy, the room felt too empty. Sitting at a table in the opposite corner of where J–someone would normally sit he set his things down. He didn’t glance at the table.

 

Walking up to the corner he braced himself for whatever came of seeing Sirius. He sighed. “Hello.” He would keep this civil. He was too tired for anything else. “What do you want?”

 

So this is how it was.

 

“Black coffee please. For R.” He knew better than trying to say his name around Sirius right now.

 

He thought for a second he saw a moment of softness in Sirius’s eyes but he wasn’t sure if he had imagined it because when he looked back at his face it was cold and hard again. He left six quid on the counter and waited at the end. “Here.”

 

He grabbed the coffee and walked back to his table. Sitting down he finally had a chance to look around, though everything in him told him not to.

 

He knew what–-or he supposed, who–he was looking for. His eyes locked onto him. Gorgeous as ever. He shouldn’t say that. He looked… different. The light that he had always radiated was dark and extinguished. He looked tired and dark. He didn’t look up from his computer screen.

 

Regulus pulled out his sketchbook. He started his sketch. He knew it was wrong. He knew it contradicted everything he had been fighting internally. But he did it anyway.

 

The effect the sun had on him remained the same even though Regulus had put so many clouds in between them.

 

But then as he was looking up he felt the eyes he had loved so much meet his and his breath caught in his chest. The pain wasn’t hidden. He could feel the hurt radiating from James, intensifying the pain Regulus was already experiencing. Why couldn’t he just be normal and healthy for once? Why did he have to fuck it all up? Regulus couldn’t bear to look away. He felt as though that would be letting James down again. And while he could pretend like it didn’t matter, it truly did.

 

It shouldn’t. Not to Regulus. ‘Always pure’. ‘Always pure’. ‘Always pure’.

 

The words tormented him, swirling around his head in a frantic and stress inducing storm.

 

He couldn’t, they might not be here physically but they were definitely here mentally. Always haunting him. It felt as though his parents being deceased made the anxiety and need to be perfect for them worse. He felt their presence so much more in a world that lacked it. It was ruining him. It had always ruined him. It took everything away. Why couldn’t he just be normal? They took everything from him. They stole Sirius. They stole his life. They stole his joy. They stole his love. They stole his James.

 

The anger that felt as though it had been building for years coursed through his veins. The fury and rage. All the emotion he had suppressed and hidden in a desperate attempt to be the cold and emotionless heir they needed. All thoughts of being rational and civil out the window. The carefully healed scars re-opened. He was up and grabbing James, dragging him outside.

 

His heart was pounding loudly. Staring at the boy, some of the adrenaline dissipating he felt the creep of the warm feeling that enveloped him when he looked at James. “Regulus what the fuck.” James looked so confused. His eyes still filled with pain and a hint of… rage? Was James mad at him? It made sense, it was deserved. But that didn’t shake the new wave of pain and hurt that came with that realization.

 

“I-...” All the confidence and adrenaline was gone. Standing in front of him, he truly didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He hadn’t planned this. He didn’t know what to do.

 

“I- I s-...” He was trying but the words and feelings that swirled around inside of him just wouldn’t come out. His heart was pounding louder. The sound of it blocking any thoughts that might be of use to him right now.

 

“Regulus. What.” James' clipped tone wasn’t helping.

 

Why couldn’t anyone see how hard he was trying? Why couldn’t James see how hard he was trying?

 

“I don’t know what we are.” He finally managed. Because that was the truth. He didn’t know. He knew he loved James, the butterflies that had laid dormant in his stomach for years always fluttering when he saw him.

 

James' fiery gaze cooled, he looked oddly surreal. He couldn’t read what James was thinking or feeling.

 

“Okay. I- I don’t want to pressure you in any way, kissing you was so dumb. I’m so sorry Reg.” The nickname making Regulus’s heart squeeze. ‘It’s not dumb’ he thought desperately.

 

But that’s not what came out. It was a messy and reckless kiss. He hadn’t thought about it, yet again. He just grabbed him and kissed him. James didn’t pull away. He didn’t run. James' hands found their way to his waist pulling him into the other boy’s chest.

 

It was day. In the street. In public. And for once Regulus didn’t care. James hands gripped at Regulus’s jumper. Taking the material into tight fists. Meanwhile, Regulus’s hands tangled into James’s hair. This is what he wanted–no, this is what he needed.

 

James.

 

Pulling away, they both caught their breath. “I-... I don’t know what we are but I know I want that.” He wanted to be able to be with James forever.

 

“I missed you.” James avoided the prior statement. Maybe that was for the best. If they didn’t talk about that part then they didn’t have to worry about it. They could just… exist. At least for now.

 

“I..” He couldn’t bring himself to say it back.

 

To be vulnerable in front of James like that. James had what looked like a wave of disappointment cross his face, but it was gone in an instance.

 

“I have a shoot tomorrow, you can come again.” James offered with a hopeful and dopey smile spreading like fire across his face. Regulus felt the flames. The smile was infectious, essential to his life. Like oxygen. He smiled back at the boy.

 

“Okay. I’ll be there. Do you want to text me the address?” James' face lit up. “I could do that.. Or… I could pick you up and we can show up together?” The boy gave him a playful smirk and internally Regulus smiled and laughed but on the outside he rolled his eyes.

 

“Fine. You can do that if it will make you happy.”

 

It would certainly make Regulus happy, and he knew it would make James happy. And that’s what Regulus wanted, for James to be happy.

 

“Can I come over?”

 

Regulus found himself asking this before he could even register what he was doing. James looked slightly stunned. “Like where… like to my flat? Sure.” Regulus knew he fucked up. What were they supposed to do once they were there? James grabbed Regulus’s wrist and was dragging him along now. Towards–what Regulus assumed was–James’s flat.

 

As they walked in, Regulus was awe stricken. The flat, if you could even call it that, was large and modern. It was neat and tidy and smelled like James. Like coconuts and vanilla and the underlying scent of tobacco. Something warm.

 

“This is a very nice flat…”

 

Nice didn’t even begin to encompass it. Regulus never wanted to leave.

 

It was currently 10:00 am. James laughed, a big laugh. The ones he always saw before their momentary mishap. The ones that righted Regulus’s world. “Glad you think so. Was there anything you wanted to do?”

 

You, was all Regulus thought.

 

No. That was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Why was everything he thought and did wrong?

 

“I- we- we could get lunch… I mean if you want to.”

 

His brain wasn’t functioning properly. He couldn’t think straight around James. Thoughts whirled around and got all mixed up.

 

“Sure. There’s a really good sandwich shop that opened up a few blocks from here. I don’t know if you’re into sandwiches or not?” He wasn’t super into sandwiches but the way James’s face lit up when he brought it up made it worth it. Regulus was more of a salad person.

 

“Sure that sounds great.”

 

And that’s how Regulus found himself in James Potter's car once again. Still the same as the first time he was in it. James looking the same as the first time he saw him in it. With a joyful grin and happy singing.

 

But this time he felt James’s hand creep onto his thigh. And he didn’t fight it.

 

A chill ran down his spine as he felt James hand trace light shapes on his thigh. The thoughts that normally clouded his mind silenced by the thought and feeling of James.

 

As they made it to the quaint sandwich shop James removed his hand leaving Regulus craving the warmth that came with James’s touch again.

 

They walked in, the shop smelled warm and of freshly baked bread. It was bright with the entirety of the wall towards the street being windows. The walls were a pale green and there were pink flowers on all the tables. The worker smiled at them from over the counter as they approached. “Hiya, what can I get for you today?”

 

James ordered first. He ordered a fried fish sandwich with crisps and a pop. The cashier and James turned to look at him in anticipation as they awaited his order. Truthfully he hadn’t thought much about what he wanted. Giving the menu a quick glance he prepared himself to order.

 

“Uh, may I please have a ham sandwich and some crisps, I’ll also do a pop.” The cashier nodded and Regulus went to pull out his wallet when he felt a gentle hand grab his.

 

“This is on me Reg.” James smiled warmly at him. And he felt the familiar feeling of a blush creeping up on his cheeks. “Thank you James.”

 

They talked about senseless things as they ate at their booth. Regulus stealing careful glances at James’s lips as he spoke. Even after they had finished their lunch, they sat in a light and joyful conversation. Eventually one of them realized the time, 13:16. It had been over three hours since they had left James’s flat.

 

************

 

Regulus didn’t know how he found himself at the cinema with James. It had all been a bit of a haze as James offered and Regulus in a dazed state agreed. He didn’t even know what they were going to be watching but he didn’t care as he sat in a couples seat with James. Their thighs occasionally grazing and sending sparks of electricity through Regulus’s being.

 

“I’m glad you’re here with me Regulus.” James said lowly as the movie started. It made Regulus’s heart flutter.

 

To be wanted. And by James Potter.

 

“Thank you for inviting me mon amour.” Mon amour. Two words.

 

In reality the movie was incredibly ridiculous. Something about little block characters and some man character. Fly-man? Vampire-man? Batman. It was a lego batman movie. James had laughed and smiled at it and it made him incredibly happy to watch so Regulus scrubbed the scowl off of his face.

 

Truthfully he was having a wonderful time.

 

He didn’t want it to end.

 

**************

 

Hours later they were stumbling back to James’s flat, both incredibly drunk. They had gone to a pub and somehow one drink turned to two, two drinks turned to four, and so on and so forth.

 

James was laughing at a joke he had just told and it made Regulus giggle. Actually giggle. They had been laughing non-stop, a product of all the alcohol currently coursing through their systems.

 

People often said tequila rarely leads to good choices. Well, it certainly leads to a choice. And to this day Regulus still wonders what his life would be like if he didn’t make the choice he made that night. Good or bad he wonders. Because what happened that night forever altered the trajectory of his life.

 

As they clumsily entered James’s flat Regulus felt his cheeks grow warm. This flat warmed him. This boy warmed him and as he stared into his eyes their breath fell into a heavy and deep sync.

 

“Je T'aime James.” He whispered. “Amo-te, Regulus.” James whispered back.

 

And they kissed.

 

A soft and gentle kiss that spoke more words than they ever would in the time they would know each other. A kiss that would change the world as Regulus knew it. A kiss to last lifetimes.

 

‘I love you’. In sync.

 

The kiss did get more rough, as drunken kisses do. Though the harmony and peace of that kiss was etched into Regulus’s brain.

 

It started to rain down in the night sky. The stars still visible though. Twinkling in through the windows and being illuminated by the rain. It was a beautiful sight.

 

They were a beautiful sight.

 

Regulus felt warm hands snake under his jumper, gripping his hips and pulling them closer towards the boy. Regulus put his arms around the boy's neck, holding him. Never wanting to let go.

 

He had never experienced this, they had kissed before obviously but this felt different. More vulnerable, more beautiful. And now that he had experienced it he never wanted to let it go. Never wanted to not be able to experience it again.

 

As they made their way eventually to the door of James’s bedroom they stood outside still kissing when James broke away, but only by a few inches.

 

“Regulus, what are we?”

 

There it was again. And maybe it was the alcohol, that's what he would say if anyone gave him shit about it. But he let himself say the words that came next.

 

“Lovers.”

Notes:

Hello again my loves. I don't know when the next chapter is going to be up to be honest. But we switch back to james the chapter after the next one. I'm hoping to get the next chapter out in the next two weeks but we will see. Be well and happy november first.

Chapter 10: Dumb Decisions

Summary:

A decision, perhaps dumb. Perhaps not.

 

cw: Spice. (Mild, 3 peppers maybe. And its right at the beginning so be warned)

 

Tw:
Internalized homophobia (addressed......)
Alcohol reference
strong language

I think that's it. Enjoy.

"His home changed."

Notes:

Hello lovelies,

 

so... as to where I've been. I got run over by a bus and then I got crashed into by a plane so sorry for the late update. Life am I right?

Anyways, I want yall to know that this fic WILL be finished. Eventually. Idrk when but it's not getting abandoned so if I disappear for a while I'm just struggling to get some writing down. Can't believe it's almost december. Thats crazy. Anyways.

Life updates for yall, aside from my TRAGIC incidents. I started the song of achilles by madeline miller. OMG. I'm crying already and it's not even done yet. Reading that after choices is emotional torture, I LOVE IT. School has been really hard so I am sorry that it's taking me longer to write now. I don't really know how I feel about this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it. Please let me know, I LOVE INTERACTING WITH YOU GUYS.

Also kinda sad that this was the last reg pov chapter for the next five chapters. I love regulus so much, writing from his pov is just so fun. But james was begging for me to bring him back, and who am I to deny him that?

Happy thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates. I hope you all have been well.

Also I lowkey don't have a beta reader so if this chapter sucks ass in grammar or spelling I sincerely apologize, I try my best. (Not in my notes but in my chapters)

Lots of love, principessa. (or bl00diedlvr)

Alcohol leads to dumb decisions.

 

He had thought that then at least. As he lay under James, he thought about nothing but James though. Or at least he tried not to.

 

James' hands were gripping his hips as they continued kissing. He broke away and began to pepper kisses all over Regulus’s face.

 

“You’re so perfect.” He murmured into Regulus’s skin, the heat and vibration lighting sparks throughout his body. He had never believed it. How could someone like him be perfect when anything he did was never good enough? But when James said it he almost believed him. James made it so much more believable than ever before.

 

James moved from his face to his neck, sucking harshly on the junction of his neck and collar bone, pulling Regulus from the train of thought he was seemingly always somehow stuck in. The contact drawing a whine out of him. James chuckled into his neck softly. The feeling of his breath was electrifying.

 

He arched his back up off the bed when he felt James push down on his hips, forcing him back down onto the bed. James forced his knee in between Regulus’s thighs, leaning between them as his hands roamed wildly over Regulus’s frame.

 

Without thinking, he hooked his fingers into James' waistband and he pulled him down harshly onto his thigh. James almost instantly started moving his hips, setting an excruciatingly slow pace. The action making Regulus’s mind hazy and clouded with lust and desperation.

 

No.

 

What was he doing? This was wrong.

 

‘But it feels so right,’ a voice in the back of his mind called.

 

He was being split in half. Part of him was screaming to stop. To run away and never look in the direction of James again. Or maybe that was his parents yelling. He couldn’t tell the difference sometimes. The other part of him was battling that James being a guy didn’t matter if Regulus loved him.

 

The same part of him was also always screaming about how he loved James. And maybe he did. He called them fucking lovers. That’s not platonic. Maybe under different circumstances he could have found the restraint to stop. To let the voices of his parents consume him and tear another good thing away from him. But tonight, he didn’t. Because when he felt James’ hands tangle into his hair and slightly tug and pull, he couldn’t bring himself to ruin something like this again only because his parents were fucking homophobic.

 

He finally acknowledged the truth. Because he truthfully had been denying it for far too long. And what better time to address his internal demons than while underneath James Potter?

 

Fuck them, he concluded.

 

Just then James bit down on his shoulder and he was fairly sure he blacked out after that because the alcohol and the sex were a dangerous fucking combination. The rest of the night was a blur.

 

—-------------------

 

Hours later Regulus awoke curled into James’s chest. His chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. His hair was all messed up, and his glasses were thrown casually on the bedside table. Despite all this he looked beautiful. The most beautiful boy was lying in front of him, and he was wrapped in his arms. He felt alive.

 

He heard birds chirping but it was still fairly dark. He figured it must be around 05:30 am. He could leave now. Then no one would know what he did. James most likely wouldn’t remember. Regulus wouldn’t have had he not awoken in James arms; without clothes might he add.

 

But maybe Regulus wanted to be with him. Was that so wrong? Why was being with a man different from being with a woman if they were in love?

 

There was that word again. He was slowly growing more confident with using it. Because he realized that he truly did… love James. He loved James.

 

‘I love you’, he thought silently.

 

He felt his eyes grow heavy again. He was truly exhausted still. He didn’t know why he had woken up when he had. He could go back to sleep in James’ arms and wake up later. Or he could lay here and commit every perfect detail of James to memory and take a mental image to always remember how fucking beautiful he was.

 

Despite his better judgement he subconsciously chose the latter. He noticed all the little things like how James had freckles sprinkled lightly across his nose. From a normal distance you wouldn’t be able to tell that they were even there. But Regulus could see them perfectly. He counted twenty-one freckles. He noticed how James had a small scar on his cheek and made a note to himself to ask about that later.

 

He wanted to know everything about him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But he added one more, the beautiful. He placed a gentle hand on his cheek and made gentle circles with his thumb. His skin was soft and warm. His eyes fluttered gently and he pulled Regulus closer to him, not even fully opening his eyes before falling back asleep.

 

He stifled a laugh at this.

 

—------------------------

 

He must have fallen back asleep at some point because he woke up again to it significantly lighter than he last remembered it as well as a pair of warm brown eyes staring into his. James smiled warmly at him. Regulus noticed a dimple he hadn’t seen before. Adding it to the million other details of James he had stored in his brain.

 

“Morning.” He added quietly. His voice was rough and maybe two octaves lower than he normally spoke in.

 

“Good morning.”

 

James smiled at Regulus again when he responded. Regulus noticed James smiled a lot. He had loved when James smiled. Maybe his favorite part of James.

 

“Would you like breakfast meu amor?” James was so perfect, more perfect than Regulus could ever deserve. More than he had ever deserved.

 

“If you would like to.” James visibly sparked to life and lit up; it was so bright it illuminated the whole room. Possibly the whole world was illuminated. He brightened up the whole world.

 

“What would you like to eat? Other than me obviously.” He said with that signature James Potter smirk.

 

“Don’t flatter yourself. And I’ll eat anything.” He replied flatly. Internally however, he loved the teasing that came along with James. James wanted him. He had no doubt in his mind. And he finally let himself want him back.

 

Now that he was (mostly) clear headed and sober he had time to really analyze what it meant to acknowledge that his parents were homophobic assholes. Because that is what they were.

 

“James.”

 

He said in a voice barely above a whisper. Even if he was confident in what they were he wasn’t confident in how to address everything surrounding this new realization. He had never been one to act on impulse but James brought out that quality, one he didn’t even know he had possessed. James looked at him expectantly, and Regulus felt bad for getting his attention before he even had a string of coherent thoughts.

 

“I-... there’s something I want to talk about, but I don’t… I don’t... I don’t know how.” He was stumbling over his words, a quality he did in fact know he possessed. James placed a gentle hand on his cheek, tracing small circles. He loved this. He loved him.

 

“My parents…” He managed to mutter.

 

He had trust in James, and this was the first time he had ever discussed his parents with anyone. Not even Panda.

 

James seemed to pause… only for a sliver of a second but Regulus still took notice of it. “What about em’?”

 

“They were homophobic James, and I’m sorry I was so fucking blind and stupid. And I’m sorry if I hurt you. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I hope it isn’t too late. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to be yours. I want you to be mine. I want. I want. I want. I’m sorry for rambling. I’m sorry for every dumb thing I’ve ever done. I’m just sorry.”

 

James looked stunned. For a moment Regulus wondered if he had messed up by trying to undo his mess up, but it was only for a moment.

 

“It’s okay Regulus. It truly is, I promise. I remember what you said last night.”

 

Fuck.

 

He did too. He had maybe been hoping James was too drunk to remember but apparently not. He was bracing himself for harsh words or insults. But none came. He should have seen James as one to be kind, he should have seen how clearly James loved him.

 

“I’m glad I’m your lover,” James smiled warmly at him, “I’m so glad it’s you Regulus. I have wanted you ever since I met you. I feel like I was meant to find you. I feel like I have known you for years or lifetimes. I love you. Te amo. I love you Regulus Black. Forever. Until I take my last breath.”

 

His cheeks flushed a bright red. James' words meant more than he would ever know.

 

“Je t’aime James. Je t’aime. Je t’aime. Je t’aime. I love you. Until I take my last breath.”

 

Regulus echoed part of James' words back to him. He could have sworn he saw a part of James glow. Brighter than any star. James was brighter than all of them combined and multiplied by infinity.

 

James leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Regulus’s lips.

 

And then another.

 

And another.

 

__________________________

 

They had spent the morning wrapped up in each other's arms and exchanging kisses and laughs. A morning to remember.

 

They were lovers, or in other words, boyfriends.

 

Regulus felt more alive than ever. It felt as though James could heal him with only a moment of their eyes connecting. Because it was more than that, it was a conveyance of years and years of love and trust and connection.

 

He didn’t know how, and while that could have been scary it wasn’t–not with James. This was his person; he could feel it. He had never been so sure of anything in his life.

 

He was in James' shower. The hot water felt soothing and calming, it was nice because it got much warmer than it did at his flat. He used the hair wash, conditioner, and body wash that was in the shower.

 

It smelled exactly like James, ‘that’s obvious Regulus…’ He silently bashed himself for thinking such a ridiculous thought. Of course the soaps would smell like James.

 

This also meant he would smell like James.

 

Jesus wept, in other words, not a fucking problem at all. In fact, ever since they had figured themselves out and Regulus ended up practically trauma dumping on poor James he had felt much lighter. He didn’t have any problems, or so it had felt like.

 

He had walked out of the shower quickly realizing he didn’t have clothes to change into. However, James seemed to have known this or disregarded the hypothetical clothes Regulus could have brought as he had laid out what Regulus could only presume were James clothes.

 

They looked like they would be big on him but that was okay, they had planned to bunk off their responsibilities today and spend time together in James's flat. Regulus proposed they could go on a nature walk. He loved nature walks. So, he changed into the clothes that could be James’.

 

As he suspected they were big, but they were warm and comfortable–and above all smelled like James. He loved the scent James gave off, not in a weird way, but in a comforting way.

 

Like the scent of a nostalgic and comforting meal, and it just warms you to smell it. However, Regulus hadn’t ever had a nostalgic and comforting scent before James. So he supposed he wouldn’t know if it was truly comforting. He was rambling, and not even out loud. This is what love was, if he had to guess.

 

Love makes people do stupid things.

 

That was certainly true, now more than ever. More than he had realized. James had given him a pair of comfortable sweats and a spider-man shirt. He was now realizing that James was seriously into spider-man. He would note that for later, for when he would start buying James gifts.

 

Not an if, but a when.

 

He walked out of the room and into the kitchen, where he had heard a loud crash. He walked into a scene of pure chaos, James seemed to be battling a–what he could only faintly make out as a pancake, if he could even call it that–with a spatula. He was covered in flour and the kitchen was a mess. He stifled a snort as James let out a yelp at pancake batter flying out of the pan as he tried to flip the pancake. He cautiously walked up behind James.

 

“Do you want me to do it Jamie?”

 

He felt special having his own nickname for James, he had heard his brother call him Prongs. He didn’t understand how that came to be, but he wasn’t going to spiral over it. He was trying to be better, if not for him then for James.

 

James handed him the spatula and practically ran away from the pancakes. He couldn’t help it and let out a laugh at this. He looked at the batter, it was no thicker than water. He added more flour to it, careful not to end up looking like a snowman like James. He then proceeded to cook the pancakes and plate them for the both of them. Cleaning up the kitchen and chopping some strawberries.

 

He was always one for baking, especially the presentation aspect of it. Because it felt like another form of art. He walked the plates out to where James seemingly settled at–what Regulus presumed was–the dining table. He placed a plate in front of James and set a plate down at the spot next to James.

 

He had a beautiful modern table; it was a sleek black frame with a glass top. Regulus was in love with the table. And James too, obviously. James smiled at Regulus, the same smile he had seen over and over again but he never seemed to get tired of. The smile that had filled his days with joy.

 

James cut up his pancake. Precisely how Regulus imagined he would, one piece at a time with no specific thought. Contrary to this, Regulus had a system for how he cut every food he eats. Pancakes get cut very similar to pie. He first cuts the pancake into fourths; from there he cuts the fourths into halves. In summation, he ends up with eight pieces. Every piece is cut, so then you can just enjoy it. He knew that most people probably didn’t think so deeply into how they cut their food, but he would say that he’s not exactly most people.

 

James took a bite and Regulus thought James might have had a heart attack. He froze, but then his eyes went wide and in the blink of an eye the pancakes on James's plate were gone.

 

“Reg, oh my fucking god. Those were the best pancakes I’ve ever had. I don’t know what kind of magic you did to them, but holy hell...” James was then eyeing Regulus’s plate.

 

Skeptical–and not putting it past James to try and steal his food–he pulled his plate closer to himself.

 

As they finished a breakfast filled with lighthearted jokes, laughs, and heavy-handed flirting, they began to get ready for the much-awaited nature walk. Regulus was more excited than he had ever been in his life, this was new. Sharing something he held such a special place in his heart for with another person who also held a special place in his heart was new, but not unwelcome. He would remember their day as one of the best he had ever experienced with James. Perhaps his favorite memory.

 

—---------------------------

 

They spent their day on a walk around their town. Both him and James pointing out some of their favorite spots. They found a new bookshop that had just opened. The shopkeeper smiled warmly as they entered. It smelled of new books.

 

Regulus couldn’t decide whether he loved the smell of new or old books better.

 

Maybe this could be his and James’ spot. Their own corner of the world. It had been.

 

Regulus browsed the shelves quietly. He had read or owned many of the books in the shop at one point in his life or another. He loved historical romance and deftly made his way to that section as it clicked that’s what he had been searching for. James had disappeared off into another part of the shop.

 

He had pulled out some books from the shelves, leaving a window to the other side of the next aisle and made eye contact with the person standing there. James. He flashed a big and goofy grin, and winked dramatically at Regulus. He rolled his eyes, but personally he found it quite cute. He loved the silliness James always had; it was magical.

 

James made his way around the aisle and came to stand next to him. He leaned down and gave Regulus a quick kiss on the lips.

 

“What was that for?”

“Just because, I can do that now right?”

“Yeah… yeah you can.”

 

James smirked and gave him another kiss, longer this time. It was like James offering a piece of himself to Regulus. And Regulus let himself offer a piece of himself to James as well. A trade. So that they could always be connected. Even in death, even in sickness, even in health. Sounds like fucking wedding vows.

 

Regulus walked up to the counter and set the books down, he pulled out some cash he had and quickly paid for the books and thanked the shopkeeper. They walked out of the shop and into the November winds. It was chilly. But Regulus had always been a cold weather person. Winter was coming soon. His favorite season.

 

They spent more of the day just walking around town. They had popped into a quick shop for lunch, it was a salad place. They continued walking and as the day was drawing to a close, they headed back to James's flat.

 

As they walked inside, James kicked off his shoes and Regulus neatly set his along the baseboard. He set his bag down on the ground next to his shoes. As he turned towards where he had seen James go he was met with James's figure much closer than he had anticipated. He jumped slightly, the shock jolting him slightly. James laughed at this, and Regulus scowled at him.

 

“Do you want to watch a film with me?” He hadn’t really planned anything out. He was figuring he might go back home tonight. But his plans changed.

 

His home changed.

 

“Yes.”

Notes:

Hello again,

I don't know AT ALL when the next chapter will be up. But I hope you guys enjoyed this one. Took me forever. Anyways, let me know if you guys liked it and predictions and comments or whatever in the comments. I love interacting with you guys. And I love writing for you guys, brings me so much joy and I hope it brings you joy to read it.

I'll see you guys again soon, or not?

Be well,
principessa. (Or bl00diedlvr)

Chapter 11: Sunshowers

Summary:

James is stood in a sun shower, a torrential downpour for him while the sun smiles brightly to everyone else around him.

Or

James shitty mental health and the struggles that come along with it.

 

"Knowledge is power, but power is not always good."

Notes:

Hello!

Sorry for a delayed update. December has been a crazy month. I truly hope that you guys enjoy this chapter, because I LOVED writing this. Additionally, I have some life updates for y'all. I have started Crimson Rivers... yay... right? So if you guys notice that I start to write even more angsty than normal that's part of the reason. That tragic story has been... tragic. Anyways, I finished the song of achilles and omg !! It was so good but that gave me some Choices flashbacks. And I sobbed violently. During my geometry midterm... great ! Not embarrassing at all.... But yeah that's what's pretty much going on. Lots of depression too so that's great !!

CW/TW:
-addiction
-angst
-depression
-mental health
-profane language
-depiction of strong panic/panic attacks
-depiction of someone being under the influence
-night terrors
-miscommunication
-Self-harm (TRIGGER WARNING STARTS WITH THE BOLDED SENTENCE AND ENDS WITH THE SECOND BOLDED SENTENCE. Please take care of yourself.)

(I think that should be it. If I missed anything let me know)

But anyways, enough of my rambling. Please enjoy and comment! I love when I get comments, and it truly makes writing this all the much better. Writing this has always been for you guys, and your enjoyment. (And mine because I love writing this.) So let me know!

Also a few shoutouts too: Ren (Wolfjohnwolf60), aghhhh my number one during this chapter (and literally the whole fic thus far bc he has to listen to me yap about my stupid ideas lmao) thank you for the help!!!!!!!!! GO READ HIS FIC. RIGHT NOW. "Heroes (Just for one day)" Additionally, my friend mia who doesnt have ao3 but beta read for this chapter as well. Love you babes. Both of you were actually my lifeline and I couldn't have done it without you.

Lots of love and happy holidays!!
(Note: Super crazy that 2024 is almost over, so I'll be seeing you all next year !!! Thanks for hanging out with me these past 2 months and im excited for the next few months as well)
Principessa (bl00diedlvr)

James was flabbergasted. The past week was more than he could have ever hoped for. It had been a struggle before, when they were in their “fight”--he didn’t know if he could even call it that–he had struggled a lot. After getting to know Regulus and experiencing those simple joys with him, their fight had been a punch to the face. The immediate withdrawal of what they had, it hit him hard and he spiraled. 

He couldn’t sleep. He didn’t sleep. He cried. Yeah, he fucking cried over what had been a situationship. But now it wasn’t. Now he knew what Regulus had been fighting. He was able to help him and take the hurt off of him. 

But what people don’t tell you about helping others is that the hurt has to go somewhere; and in almost all cases with James, it went to him. But he wasn’t upset that he had taken the hurt and pain from Regulus, if he thought about it hard enough, he was happy he did. It meant that he had benefited the boy, and that gave James joy. Which was good. 

What he couldn’t comprehend was how if his life was now going so right, his brain could be so wrong. It was currently 01:21 in the morning, and he was wide awake and drenched in sweat after yet another nightmare. His eighth this week. It was the same every night. He would get ready for bed–his mind clear after a lovely day with Regulus, or a good day on a shoot–and then he would fall asleep and have the most horrific nightmares he had ever experienced. He would then proceed to wake up and be drenched in sweat, sometimes he even felt tears staining his face. 

He had been being chased by a raven. It was far away, but he would still be running in the opposite direction from it. He didn’t know how to interpret this. And so it continued, every night. Night, after night, after night, after night. Neverending. All-consuming. He was exhausted by the end of the week. But he put his remaining energy into Regulus. 

—-----------------------------------

“Hello!” He called as he walked towards Regulus. They were meeting up to go to one of James' shoots. They had been doing that more often since they had gotten together. On the days Regulus didn’t have class, of course. It was these moments that James thought about constantly. Their shared kisses in his dressing room, their giggles over the stupid jokes James would always tell, and his favorite of all their memories from shoots–their silence. 

He would never admit it to anyone, but the comfortable silence they shared was so dear to him. He had never been able to enjoy silence before, it was always scary and awkward for him. But with Regulus it was more time they shared and could just enjoy each other's company. He didn’t have to try as hard to seem okay. He could sit in silence and let his mask slip and feel safe because Regulus was right there with him. 

“Hi James.” Regulus smiled, a quick and drastic change from the stoic expression he always seemed to dawn. Regulus unfortunately suffered from a severe case of RBF. But James didn’t hold it against him, because Regulus always smiled at him. That brought James joy. Which he had been in limited supply of recently, so he practically clung to Regulus like a lifeline. Of course Regulus never knew that. 

He offered out his hand to Regulus, this is how it always worked. They would see each other and James always offered his hand. Every time they would see each other; James offered his hand. Regulus gently grabbed it and intertwined his cool and slender hands into James. They molded together. James loved this part a lot too. They would walk together to the venue for the day. Conversations, jokes, laughs, ridiculous flirting (this was on James's part obviously), and silly banter. Their days together were care-free. They were perfect. Them. Together, they were perfect. 

Apart… James was still struggling. The nightmares had been persistent and constant. He was doing his best for Regulus; he was truly the only thing keeping him going. When he would wake up in the middle of the night gasping and panting, he would lay there and think of Regulus. He would think of all the times Regulus had kissed him or laughed at his jokes. And he would slow down his breathing. But he would go back to sleep, and the process would restart again. He couldn’t escape this vicious dream cycle, and it was hurting him. 

He had heard of a new medication that you could buy at the shop called dreamless sleep. And with his current state he had hesitantly caved in and bought a bottle. The first night he had taken it he almost vomited from the taste, it was a horrible tasting liquid. But it worked. He slept the whole night through and woke up the next morning feeling like nothing could bring him down, the medication would make you loopy the morning after but he couldn’t care when he was finally escaping that stupid bird. 

And it worked enough, but soon he started to crave the effects that the medication brought in the morning. He would take a double dose, and in the morning he would be thoughtless too. Which helped as the bloody bird started to infect his conscious thoughts too. 

This morning as he was meeting up with Regulus, was the first time he had seen him since upping his dose. And when Regulus grabbed his hand, James swayed slightly. Giving him a dazed smile. Regulus looked at him, concern etched into his features. “Are you okay?” 

“Totally. I’m better than ever!” Regulus was giving him wary glances as they started to walk. He tripped over his own feet and Regulus quickly caught him before he could fall to the ground. 

“What in the bloody hell is going on with you today? Are you high or something?” He just giggled happily at Regulus. This was apparently the last straw for Regulus as he snatched James' phone and quickly dialed his boss. He muttered hush whispers into the phone and James whined in complaint. “I want to hear…” Regulus gave him a clipped look before quickly ending the call. 

“We’re calling a taxi and I’m bringing you home.” Regulus dragged him to the edge of the street before quickly waving a taxi down. “I have a shoot though… my boss will be mad Reggie…” Regulus didn’t respond to this, he only carefully guided James into the back and sat next to him. Buckling both of their seatbelts and shutting the door. His mind was hazy and he couldn’t hear when Regulus told the directions to the driver. 

He wasn’t even sure when he ended up home, but here he was in his front entry way practically limp on Regulus’s shoulder. He was kicking off his shoes before trying to balance the entirety of James’s weight and additionally remove James’s shoes. He carefully led James in the direction of his bed, and placed him down gently in it. 

Looking up at Regulus was like looking up at an angel. He looked ethereal. With the up and coming sun, his pale skin glowed–an almost shimmery shade. And his curls–oh his beautiful curls–they were his favorite part of his favorite boy. They framed his face, like a frame to a piece of art. And those beautiful watercolor eyes he bore, similar to Sirius but with ten times more depth and passion. Not to discredit Sirius, but maybe James just hadn’t ever wanted to find the depth in Sirius’s eyes like he had with Regulus. 

It was uncanny how he had managed to get both brothers in his life when they wanted nothing to do with each other. He realized–not right now, but prior to his current state–just how similar the boys were despite how different they desired to be. 

“I’m going to get you some water from the bathroom.” He just hummed in a vague response, distantly he could hear warning bells going off. But he couldn’t place why. He could hear Regulus rummaging around his bathroom, presumably looking for a glass to put the water in. 

Suddenly everything went deathly silent. It sounded like Regulus had frozen in place, and the only noise was the light ticking of his clock. Slowly, he walked out from his ensuite. He was holding something that James couldn’t identify through the hazy fog in his brain. He looked up at him–a deathly expression on his face. 

“What are these James; don’t lie. Do not even lie to me right now.” Now that he was holding the items up he could see what they were, and the warning bells made sense now. He was holding his–multiple–bottles of dreamless sleep. 

“Medication for sleep…” James knew that he wouldn’t buy the shit lie he was desperately trying to feed him. But it was worth a shot. “Don’t even lie James. You wouldn’t have at least four bottles if it was just for sleep;” he started. His voice raising in uneven intervals. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” And merlin, he wished he knew the answer. The answer to why he was so messed up, what he did to deserve the pain he was getting. Only a small part of him knew that it truly wasn’t his fault now. He used to be so sure that it would pass, that it wasn’t anything he did. But now he couldn’t see it anymore. 

“I don’t know.” 

He was looking back down at the bottles he held in his hands. “I thought you were fine James, you acted fine, why didn’t you tell me? Why? You could have fucking died and I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. Do you know how scary that is? It takes a lot to try and do this. Having a relationship. I’m horrible at it, and I’m obsessive. And the prospect of you dying makes me fucking horrified. So tell me James, why?” 

This was too much, it was all too much. His mind could barely function and this was too much. Regulus is upset. Regulus is worried. Regulus is-. Regulus. Regulus. Regulus. 

“I- no- Regulus. Please.” It was all too much. Everything, all the time. His mind used to be perfect, what happened? Why? Why? Why ? Regulus was looking at him. Eyes filled with concern, even more than before. 

“James, calm down. It’s fine. You’re fine.” The words were spoken into space. James was a sponge, but he was already overflowing with thoughts and words. They couldn’t reach him. Spoken but never absorbed. Ironic. Because James had always been able to absorb everything for anyone. A problem or struggle they had, absorbed. Words they spoke, absorbed. Insults, absorbed. And maybe that was James' problem all along. But to be squeezed would be to make him fall apart. He didn’t need that. 

“James, can you hear me?” He wanted to respond, he wanted to acknowledge him. But he was trapped. Trapped inside a body that was supposed to be his own, but now more than ever it felt as if he was spectating his own life from a corpse. Because that’s essentially what he was now anyway. A dead man walking, addicted to some useless drug. Chasing a high that will never be high enough. Chasing a state that will never be him. Regulus had his arms around him, he wasn’t sure when that happened or for how long it had been going on for. 

“It’s okay mon soleil , I’m here. I promise I’m here. I promise you’re safe. Please come back to me and get out of the storm. Please, I promise I’m here.” His voice was raw, not that James could hear it clearly anyway. But he needed to, Regulus hurting made him hurt more. He tried desperately to hear the words and to ground himself, piecing himself back together bit by bit. 

“I’m okay… I’m fine. I’m sorry Regulus. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to see that… I’m sor-” He never got to finish, the other boy quickly pressed his lips against James’. It was desperate, and needy, and harsh. Regulus was clinging to him, nails digging into his back. 

“Don’t ever try to apologize to me again for not being okay. Do you understand me?” He eventually managed to say to him as he broke away from his face. His eyes were unreadable, but tears stained his face. “Okay love, I won’t.” 

His mind was still foggy, it would take a few hours for it to completely wear off. They laid in the bed in silence, hands intertwined. The air was heavy, the weight of what had just happened weighing down on them. They laid like that for what seemed like hours. Neither one dared to break the silence. They didn’t know what to say. Nightfall had crept up on them, Regulus made no indication of leaving. Eventually, he heard his breath deepen and even out. 

“I am sorry. I wish I was stronger.” Then he crept to the bathroom and took a dose of dreamless sleep, only to help him sleep this time as he didn’t want the high to alert Regulus of what he had done. 

~

 

He guessed this is what people meant when they say addiction is a being that consumes you until there is nothing left. Because as time ticked forward, he felt more and more of himself falling away. Lost to the harsh and grasping claws of his addiction. The demon he couldn’t shake. The one he couldn’t pretend didn’t exist. The one he was struggling to hide away. One day it would come out again, and it would be messy and ugly. It would be irreversible, that he was sure of. 

Time would prove him correct.           

—----------------------------------------

Days dragged on, he wishes he could say he got better. Though the only thing that improved was his ability to hide everything better. He would justify this by telling himself that it was for Regulus’ benefit. He didn’t want him to worry. At least it wasn’t a complete lie. 

It was approaching the end of November. He had more shoots, and Regulus had more classes as he prepared for his exams. This was puzzling, because what does one examine for art? 

When both had free time they would go on dates. Oftentimes, it would be long walks or visiting the shops. He cherished those times close to his heart. They were the times when he didn’t feel as heavy. But he would be eaten away by overwhelming guilt following each date. 

Knowledge is power, but power is not always good. 

This power certainly didn’t feel good. Knowing is the worst part for him. Because somewhere in him he knows what he is doing is wrong. And that he should ask for help, but he just can’t. He can’t bring himself to burden someone else with his ridiculous problems. Champagne problems if you will. 

Today he had a shoot, and it was currently 04:25. Regulus was in bed next to him, asleep. His shoot was at 07:00. Regulus had class later so he wouldn’t be coming with him. Which was good, because he wouldn’t want to wake him. It would be like ruining art. He was art. 

Sighing, he got up out of bed. He had to shower, and do his hair. Not to mention eat breakfast and actually make it on time to the venue. He was not punctual. So 04:25 it was. 

Shuffling to the bathroom he turned the light on, squinting in response. He turned the shower on and waited for the water to warm up. It was silent, the nice silence that he loved. Where there’s no harsh noise, but you can hear the small sounds that are normally overshadowed by other sounds. The quiet ticking of the clock. The gentle drumming of the water. The soft rapping of the wind on his window. Peace. Something he hardly finds now. 

Stepping into the shower, the warm water enveloped him. He could stay here for hours. And maybe his life would be simpler. The remaining time he allotted himself for a shower passed far too quickly. 04:50, twenty-five minutes precisely. 

His reflection stared back at him, he didn’t think he looked entirely like himself. He remembered his eyes being brighter, and his cheeks more coloured. He looked dull, but he doesn’t know if that’s just him being stupid. Shoving the thoughts out of the way he applied some hair products for his curls. 

He grabbed a bottle of dreamless sleep, he hesitated with it in his hands. It’s not bad. No. He was doing it to protect his mind and his sanity. He took a single dose. And walked quietly out to his closet. He illuminated the large space with his flashlight, the main light being too bright. He didn’t want to disturb Regulus. 

He felt robotic, this felt too routine. Running on a schedule, almost the same thing every day. The medication should help these stupid thoughts subside, he just needs to manage for a few minutes until it kicks in. 

So many people would kill for his job, but if they knew just how draining and boring it was maybe they would reconsider that desire. He was wasting the opportunity but who really cares in the end? He doesn’t even know what he dressed himself in, it’s not like it matters anyway. He’ll just have to change at the shoot. His choices never matter anymore. 

Or maybe they never mattered to begin with. ‘Shut up James…’

Making his way to the venue was a silent and empty endeavor, even the blaring music he played in his earbuds couldn’t shake the unnerving silence that just seemed to surround him all the time. The type he didn’t like either, the eerily quiet and deathly still feel of the air. Even though the wind was blowing harshly now. Too still. Too quiet. Too dead . 

How did he end up here? Wasn’t he supposed to make something of his life? How did he get stuck here wasting it away on the same mind-numbing task almost every day. But then again, that could just be him. 

Where were the effects of that bloody medication? He wasn’t supposed to be struggling with all these thoughts still. They were supposed to be fading away. One by one. Quietly. Quickly. Calmly. So why wasn’t that happening?  

His dressing room was neat, sterile, quiet. Untouched. Looking at the rack he quickly scanned over it. Jeans, hats, jumpers, trousers, joggers, dress shoes, vests, and shirts. Quite standard for a late fall to early winter shoot. His head felt lighter as he was pulling on the first outfit. The medication was finally taking effect. 

This room without it had become a place of suffocation. He smiled loosely at himself in his mirror. None of that mattered for the time being. All that he had to do was pose, smile, and look pretty. Like an inanimate doll. Or a piece of clay. For everyone around to mold as they needed. He sighed lightheartedly and sank into his couch. Smiling up at the ceiling. 

It was so easy to be content and happy while you’re thoughtless. His music was still playing lightly in the background, though it felt further away than he remembered. Or did he remember? What does he remember? Is any of this real- a sharp knock at the door.  

“It’s time for the first part of the shoot, James.” 

His manager. At his door. Wow.

“Okay!” He smiled happily at her. Following her out to the set to begin the shoot. 

He got weird glances and stares. He could faintly hear the sound of murmurs and whispers, but who cares? That’s not important. Why did he ever think it was? He was able to easily pose. In his place he let his mind wander. 

Many people think that dreamless sleep removes all thoughts and dreams, however that’s not true. He still has some thoughts, mostly easy and frivolous ones. On a rare occasion the dark thoughts will still find a way to invade his mind. On his worst days. 

But today he thought of what he would do after the shoot. Maybe he would go see Sirius. He loved Sirius. He could go see Sirius, and spend time with him. They could talk and laugh, and he could just let himself believe everything was normal and right in the world. Yes, he would definitely go see Sirius after. 

 

“POTTER! Move it. Next set, next outfit. Get your head out of your arse.”

—------------------------------------------------

The shoot went decently overall, uneventful. Quick. Simple. Checking the time briefly it read 09:30. Regulus would be in class by now. He wouldn’t get out until around 11:00. He was going to go see Sirius. 

He was giddy as he walked, it was short, and he got stopped once by someone who recognized him as a model. It never feels real when that happens. Being perceived is so surprising. He always has the instinct to say, ‘wait… you know who I am? As in me, James Potter?’ But obviously people know who he is, and he refrains from saying that. 

He made it to the doors of Sirius’ shop and pulled it open and sauntered in. The café was warm and bright. Sirius was interacting with another customer. Taking down an order. He dropped his stuff off at a table and walked over to the counter to wait in line, though it truly just consisted of the person who Sirius was currently talking to. What would he say, what should they talk about, what would they do? Sirius could take his break and temporarily close the shop, there weren't many people inside anyway. Sirius finished up with the other person and his face lit up with joy and recognition. 

“Hiya Jamie. Long time no see, eh?” Sirius chuckled. Merlin, James had missed this man. It was like finding the part of you that always seems to be missing when you’re not together. He thinks he would choose Sirius over almost anyone in the whole world. He chuckled as well. “Yeah Siri. How have you been?” 

He was unaware of how profusely he was smiling, he felt like he was swaying as well and planted his feet more firmly on the ground to stop that. The last thing he would want is for Sirius to find out, with all that’s constantly going in his life. When he was sober, guilt would constantly be eating away at him. From knowing that he would be contributing to his stress if he told Sirius about his relationship with Regulus. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it, but the beauty of his medications… they gave him temporary peace. 

“Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you about something that happened a few weeks ago. And another thing that… it also happened a few weeks ago. You remember Remus, yeah?” “Yes, I remember Remus. Contrary to popular belief I’m not a complete idiot.” 

Sirius laughed loudly, and it brought warmth to James' soul. He loved more than anything or anyone to be able to make people happy. To make people laugh. 

“Well,” Sirius was grinning widely. “He and I are official!” James was grinning now too, he could jump for joy. “Sirius, mate, I’m so happy for you. That’s great!” “I know! I’m so excited, and it helped soothe me over what also happened. You’ll never believe it.” He paused, his eyes wide. “I saw Regulus a few weeks ago in the shop. We actually interacted, and what a bloody idiot. Still stuck up. I practically kicked him out. I can’t believe he had the nerve to show up here. He should be running back to mummy and daddy .” He scoffed loudly, and James stood there in silence for a moment. 

“They’re dead Sirius.” “What?” Oh. That was a dumb decision. He could play this off. “I read in the paper a few years ago. I just didn’t think it was important enough to tell you, but since you seemed to think that they were still alive and brought them up I figured now was an okay time to tell you.” Crisis averted, hopefully. And by some saving grace, Sirius nodded. “Can’t say I’m upset about it. They had it coming.” Well he took that well. 

“But regardless, where have you been?” Hanging out with your little brother who you just ranted to me about, and oh yeah to top it off I’m dating him. “Busy with work.” Sirius snorted. 

 

“Always a big deal.” 

 

“You know it.” 

 

“Well is it possible you could clear up your busy schedule for little old me?” He batted his eyelashes dramatically and they both burst out laughing. “Yeah. I don’t think I have anything to do tonight. I would just need to check with Regulus and then it should be fine.” 

Wait. 

What did he just say? 

Maybe Sirius didn’t hear. Please let Sirius not have heard. He looked up to see Sirius already looking back at him. The grin he was wearing just seconds ago gone, replaced by a look that he couldn’t quite describe. 

“Regulus?” 

Fuck. 

“Oh… uh…” What does one do in this situation? 

 

“Well yeah. Regulus. I’ll need to tell Regulus.” 

 

This was a huge mistake. He could’ve just gone back to his flat and waited for Regulus, and they could’ve gone on a lovely date. But no, he had to be stupid and impulsive and go to see Sirius and let it slip that he has something going on with his little brother. 

 

Stupid drugs. 

 

“Why would you need to tell Regulus?” Sirius had his eyes narrowed at him. Now he could amend his previous statement. After this, he would definitely be pissed at him. Well he could try to deflect, and Sirius could drop it. 

“Wait, did you say Remus? Earlier you said Remus? Holy fuck Siri, it’s just now sinking in. That’s great mate!” 

 

“No, you don’t get to do that. Tell me why you need to tell Regulus that you would be spending time with me? Actually, explain to me why you have any contact with him at all.”

 He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well it’s actually quite a long story… we can talk it through later though. Over a butterbeer and crisps? My treat.” He couldn’t do this right now. So he had to at least try to worm his way out of this conversation right now. By his stroke of luck, it didn’t work.

 “I’m not sure if I want to see a traitor's face later. So let's do this now.” Okay then. 

“I’m dating Regulus, and I’ve been talking to him since the beginning of October.” Go James! Ripping the bandage off. 

“What in the actual hell did you just say? Because I think I heard you say you’re dating my little brother who I haven’t talked to in years. And you wouldn’t do that because I’ve told you about him and my family, and you’re my best mate.” There was venom dripping from his words, searing into James’ skin. 

“Sirius, don't do that. Please, let’s just talk about this later and I can explain.” No. No. No. Please don’t take Sirius. Whoever or whatever is out there, he’ll stop everything. Just let him keep Sirius. 

“No.” 

And just like that–in one word–James’ whole world just came crashing down. Tears threatened to pour from his eyes, and squinting harshly he tried desperately to not let that happen. 

 

“Now get out of my café.” 

 

“Sirius, wait. Please just listen and let me-”

 

 “No. I said no. Now get out James, I don’t want to see your face right now. Or ever. Have a grand time shagging my brother.”

 He couldn’t stop the tears this time. And they fell down his cheeks in small streaks. He turned away to wipe his eyes quickly, and when he turned back Sirius had turned his back and walked away. Why does he have to be such an idiot? 

Wiping his tears had proved to be pointless, because immediately they began to fall again. Collecting his things he quickly exited the shop, which coincidentally felt much colder and darker than mere minutes ago. His world felt dimmer. 

He hadn’t meant to upset Sirius. He could send him a text later. And try. He could desperately try. Because he physically couldn’t lose Sirius. He couldn’t lose more of himself than he already had.  Pulling out his mobile phone, he messaged Regulus. 

 

James: Hello. When you’re out of class later we need to talk.

 

Merlin that sounds ominous, he doesn’t want to scare  Regulus.

 

James: :) 

*Read 10:01*

Regulus: Okay. 

 

He pocketed his cell, and started the walk back to his flat. There was not much else to do. Especially considering that the one plan he had got shut down. The wind hadn’t calmed down at all, and was blowing against him. Almost pushing him back, away, trying to shove him. It felt like everything was trying to shove him back today. He persisted.

As he made it back, and stepped into his front entry he sagged back against the door. His morning had been exhausting and draining, even when it wasn’t supposed to be. He felt a lot more sober, and his thoughts were surrounding him. Clawing at him, trying to strangle him until he couldn’t do anything anymore. Until he was no more than a corpse. 

He wasn’t sure how he managed to ruin everything in his life. All his friends, his career, his fragmented soul, everyone around him. Ruined by one gaze. Burned up by his overbearing and glaring rays, a double edged sword that he so desperately tried to mask. It was all his fault. He was horrible, and no one seemed to be able to tell. No one was giving him the punishment he deserved for all the shit he brought to all the places he had ever been. 

Why couldn’t anyone see anything? He knew he wore a mask, but everyone talks about the person who’s supposed to be able to see through it. Does he wear it that well? 

Someone was supposed to balance out his imbalance. But if no one was going to do it, he would. Because he couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t with the gnawing guilt and misery, the fact he knew just how horrible he was. 

He would do it himself. 

He felt the sting of the blade first, if he thought hard enough it almost felt good. Comforting. The warm trickle and pooling of blood came next. A routine that he wasn’t opposed to. A sense of normalcy. 

As he stared at the dark crimson liquid collecting on his arm and threatening to drip down he felt an odd sense of relief. This had always soothed him in some fucked up way. Knowing that if no one else could see the monster he was, he could. And he could get the pain he thought he deserved. That gave him balm. 

A part of him though, in the back of his mind was screaming at him to stop. Trying–no, pleading–to tell him to get help, that this wasn’t safe. That he wasn’t safe. He knew there was an uncomfortable amount of truth there, but he couldn’t stop. Why should he? 

He finally felt good. He finally felt he was fixing things, he was being good. He could be good. Right? He dug the blade into his skin, one last time. For good measure. The collection of cuts staring back up at him through a sea of red. He was doing right by everything he had done wrong. He would still have to find a way to hide this from Regulus though. 

Don’t get it mixed up, he did feel bad about hiding all these things. He knew that perfect relationships ran on complete truth. But if he just kept these small things, Regulus could be happy and worry free. And he would be glad to know James was fixing himself. 

Everyone would. 

If they knew they would sigh and think to themselves about how this selfish, messed up, obnoxious idiot was serving himself justice. And they would be happy. That made James happy. Bringing joy to people, being able to do good. 

He carefully wiped the blade off, and hid it away. A better spot, so Regulus wouldn’t find it. Not that it would be a big deal if he did. Definitely not. 

‘

He dabbed at the blood on his arms. Wiping it away, wincing at the raw feeling it provided on his arm. Putting a small bandage over it and pulling his sleeves down.  

The remaining time he had alone was spent laying on his couch and listening to music to keep away any doubtful thoughts he could have. He had taken another dose, just so that the aching from the overwhelming darkness would subside. 

Around 11:15, Regulus walked in through the door. James could hear the gentle waves of noise from where he was taking off his coat and shoes. Slowly, he sat up. With a yawn and a stretch, he saw him enter the sitting room. “Regulus.” He said in acknowledgement and greeting, he grinned loosely at him. 

“Hi James…” He was hesitating. Why was he hesitating? What did James do wrong? Oh. Right. He had to tell Regulus what happened, because as much as he wanted to hide it away he knew Regulus had a right to know. 

“How was your shoot?”

 “It went very well… it was quick and easy.” He exhaled whimsically. Glancing up to the ceiling. The sound of approaching footsteps drew him from the other world he had travelled to. 

“How was your class?” He asked finally. Regulus smiled. “It was great, I got a lot of work done on my project. I actually finished it, and got a perfect score.” 

“That's great! You’re so talented…” Every time he looked at him, his heart swelled. Regulus was flushing a bright red, all the way down his neck and dipping below the neckline of his shirt. James loved it. He loved him. 

“We’re getting off topic…” Regulus said finally. No. Please go back to the easy conversation. “What did you need to discuss with me? I was figuring it was important if you were texting me about it while I was in class.” 

Yeah it was important, but he was also in a whirlwind of emotions and different influences. And that text was rash. “Oh. Yeah.” Regulus was just looking at him expectantly. 

“I saw Sirius today…” He was hesitant, this conversation was one he hadn't thought through. It was deathly silent. 

“I told him about us.” The words came out messy and quick, tumbling out with no grace or tact. Regulus was staring at him, and under the scrutiny James wanted to squirm. “Okay.” 

Okay ! Wait, what? “Okay?” There was a shaky exhale. He didn’t think that Regulus would respond in this way. He thought there would be more… he didn’t know what he thought actually. 

“I don’t know what you want, James. I don’t give a single fuck if Sirius is pissed. But you are his best friend …” His voice was sharp on those last words. And as quick as the response had been, the shift from simple to complicated was quicker. 

“Always his best friend, always Sirius. There can’t be one without the other can there? So no , of course we wouldn’t want you to be in a fight with precious Sirius. It’s like you’re dating him instead of me. Tell me James, which of us do you need more? Because you can’t have both.” 

Regulus was pacing back and forth in front of him, his hands furiously animating his words. On his last words he turned to look at him, eyes blazing and chest heaving. Great, both the brothers were angry at him. He was stuck in the middle of a family feud, in a family he wasn’t even a part of. 

“Regulus don’t do that.” 

 

“Why? Because you will choose him?” Oh… oh . That’s not good. 

 

“What? Are you out of your bloody mind?” This was turning out catastrophic. 

 

 “Answer the question James.” 

What was he supposed to say? Sirius is his best friend, his other half, a part of him. Saying that he would choose Regulus over their bond would be like killing off a part of himself. But oh, Regulus. His love. His true love. 

He knew though. He knew that deep down he would always choose Sirius. And Merlin help him, maybe everything could have ended differently if he hadn’t planted this first seed. 

“Because I’ll choose him…” He replied sadly. 

Regulus didn’t even look surprised and that was the worst part. The lack of shock just making something click, or proving something he had thought all along. They held eye contact, he was the first to break. Because wasn’t he always? First to break, last to laugh. 

“That’s your choice then.” With that he turned and left. Gone as if he had never even stood here at all. 

And all because he could never make the right decision, he was always destined to be doomed.

Notes:

Hello again everyone,

hope that chapter was enjoyable even though it had a lot of angst. I don't know when the next chapter will be out, I'm hoping that this fic will be finished by THE VERY VERY VERY LATEST october. VERY LATEST. (Partially because if it is then it will be my contribution to angstober.) But this fic is estimated to be finished by april or may. Timing may vary. I try to write a little bit every night. But that doesn't happen most of the time and I just write large bursts when I get ideas or inspiration to write.

AGAIN: Thank you Ren, literally my HERO. (I'm hilarious I know.) As I said, go read his fic because his writing is amazing and you'll want to read it ! "Heroes (Just for one day)" By wolfjohnwolf60.

 

Comment down below !!

And if you liked this please be sure to leave a kudos, they mean the world. To all 617 of you who have clicked on this I love you and hope you are enjoying !!

 

HAPPY EARLY NEW YEAR AND SEE YALL NEXT YEAR FOR CHAPTER 12 !!

 

Lots of love, principessa

Chapter 12: The Beginning of the End

Summary:

There's a lot in this chapter. It's kinda all over the place. Read and find out Ig? We end at Christmas. Takes place over the entirety of the month of December.

Notes:

Hey... Uh I'm back. So like 6 months later. But uh yeah. I actually have no timeline for this fic anymore because I fight to keep writing and face my add for this, sigh. Alright I gave up editing at one point too, so this chapter might suck. Sorry, I tried.

Darkness. 

 

That is what his world had fallen to. He hadn’t heard from Regulus in over a week. And to make it worse, his decision--one he regretted immensely--to tell Regulus he would choose Sirius hadn’t worked in his favor to bring Sirius back to him either. 

 

Sirius was still ignoring him, so he had officially lost both brothers in less than a day. 

 

It was now December, dark and gray. Gloomy. It was almost like the world was mourning with James. Lying in his bed, he listened to the silence. He turned over to look at the side of the sheets where Regulus would lay–empty. 

Before he met Regulus, he would lie in the middle of his bed–consuming it whole. With Regulus, he had always laid on the right, in the middle, with Regulus curled into his chest. Now he laid on the edge of the bed, so close to falling. Not wanting to invade the space he still holds for Regulus. The space he will always hold for Regulus. 

 

He did regret his choice, but not in the sense that he would change it. That might make him horrible, but then again, he already was. So, what should it matter? He was missing Regulus. He was truly one of the best parts of his day and he wished that he would let him speak to him. The other part of his heart. 

 

And Sirius… he sacrificed one of the few things that brought him joy for Sirius. But Sirius was the other part of his soul. But it hadn’t even been worth it because he lost Sirius in the end, regardless. 

 

That was the truly devastating part for James. Not that he had to make the sacrifices that he did. Not that he had to be this horrendous person. But the fact he had to do it, and it didn’t even make a difference. It was horrible. And he missed them both. 

 

He wasn’t sure how to fix it either, so he just lay in his bed, pretending nothing existed and that everything was right. Until he would turn over and see Regulus missing, and then reality would set back in. Harshly, like an unanticipated slap to the face, even though he should have anticipated it. And it broke him. Remembering what he had done was like doing it all over again. 

 

He had called his boss–lying–and said that he was sick. He was filthy, and the one person who might have been able to help him hated him.

-----

A few days passed after that, and nothing changed. For James, it was as though time had stopped. He had no real motivation to do anything, which would eventually lead to irreparable damage. Maybe there were signs… 

-----

He was lying in bed. He wasn't sure how long it had been. Days? Weeks? His phone pinged. He had been ignoring it for a while now, but by some stroke of luck he decided to pick it up. It was a reminder, along with over 99+ other notifications, but the reminder is what held his attention. 

An art showing for tomorrow. Regulus’ art showing. 

 

A few weeks prior, they had agreed to go to the show together. James had been ecstatic, and they had gone out for coffee afterward. But now, he had forgotten. 

 

Should he still go? Regulus surely wouldn’t want him there. But maybe he would, and it might mean something if he still went. He wasn’t one to break promises either, so he decided that he would go. It gave him something to look forward to and a reason to get out of bed. 

 

He hesitantly got out of bed, reasoning that if he was going to be able to go tomorrow, he had to be clean. His flat needed to be cleaned as well, so that was today’s task. Though his whole body ached with pain, he endured it and got up. His head spun, and he swayed uneasily. He went to his bathroom and stopped in front of his mirror. The reflection he saw startled him. He could barely call it a reflection; he didn’t look like that, right? 

 

His hair was so greasy it looked wet and there was probably a stain on his pillow; dark circles consumed his eyes, the bags under them large and noticeable; his face was pale; and the pure stench emanating from him was horrific. He hadn’t realized how much he had let himself go. 

Turning on the water he quickly discarded his clothes into the empty laundry hamper. There wasn't much in there. 

 

When he stepped into the shower, it felt like being washed anew. It felt as though all the dirt and grime that had seeped into him was being melted off. He lathered his hair with hair wash and massaged it for an extra long period of time. He spent at least half an hour scrubbing at his skin trying to get everything off. 

 

When he finally exited the shower, the reflection in the mirror felt a little more familiar.

 

After changing into clean clothes, he began the process of cleaning. He set manageable goals, so that it didn’t loom quite so large. First on the list was the bathroom. 

 

He went back in and began to disinfect the surfaces and clean the glass. It didn’t take long, and it gave James more motivation. He moved onto his bedroom. Stripping the sheets, vacuuming, dusting, and opening his shades. He moved room to room, tidying and cleaning. And after an hour, his flat was clean, and he felt better than he had in days. 

 

With his improving mood, he made the bold decision to go out and run errands. He was out of groceries, so he needed to go to the shops. It was a lovely winter day, and it was sunny, for once. It wasn't too chilly either.

The shop wasn’t very busy, so he was in and out. He was walking home when he realized it was lunch time. He hadn't eaten any food in a little bit so he grabbed something small on the way back. When he got back, he discarded the groceries on the table and sat down to enjoy his lunch. He felt like things were going upwards.  

—--------------------------------

Everything was falling apart. 

 

He was standing only mere meters away from Regulus for the first time in weeks. They were both staring at art but only one was looking at a piece in the gallery. He looked different, emaciated in a way. He had always been lean but this was different; it was the all consuming wrath of hunger and pain. It made him sick to look at what he had become. 

 

And now he was turning, turning towards James. Their eyes locked. Everything stopped. He didn’t look angry, he thought that was worse. 

 

“Hel-”

 

“What are you doing here?” 

 

It was sharp and cold. He knew he was unwanted. He knew . He didn’t have the words to reply so he just stood there, like a deer caught in headlights as a car barreled towards it.

 

“What are you doing here?” 

 

He repeated. Still expecting a response that James didn't have to give him. 

 

“I came to see you.”

 

It was all he could muster and it still came out very meager. The other boy’s eyes seemed to soften for a moment before immediately icing back over and he let out a clipped scoff. 

 

“I don’t want to see you.” 

 

Oh, isn’t that just… perfect. Regulus never wanted him to come, it was a foolish thought he created in his head to give him a hope that wasn't really there. He stood there, broken in the silence. Too scared to leave but too hurt to stay. 

 

“I should go. Be well.”

 

His eyes fell to the floor and he was tired. So, so, so tired. He gave one final glance to Regulus before turning and walking away. 

 

He waited for him to stop him, though it was a stupid thing to do. Nothing happened. So he walked out of the studio. 

 

He paused when he was outside, looking back at the doors as he choked. He had been waiting for this. What was he expecting? Regulus to immediately forgive him? That was irrational. He didn’t believe Regulus would ever forgive him. And he was perfectly just in that. That's what hurts. He was dizzy, his heart was racing, and he was seeing stars. Just not the star he wanted to see. 

 

He walked home slowly, everything blurring and whirling together. If you asked him to recall anything that happened from the time it took to get to and from the studio and his flat, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. 

 

He stumbled through the door and immediately went to his bathroom. He fumbled around through his drawers and cabinets looking for a bottle of dreamless sleep. When it was in his grasp he poured some in a cup and drank it. Then he poured some more. And some more. And when he went to pour more again, he found the bottle empty. 

 

He sank to the ground and leaned back staring vaguely at the ceiling and further at something beyond. Something intangible while his head started to quiet down, the feeling of impending slumber encroaching upon him and gently caressing him. Preparing to take him. If only for a bit. He wasn’t afraid to follow, for he was hurting. But that would fade. The sweet embrace of sleep led him gently to the paradise of rest. 

 

He could relax. 

—--------------------------------

He had been asleep, no dreams--thankfully--when someone arrived. He awoke to banging, screaming, and the repetitive knocking of his door knocker. His head and vision was foggy, what time was it? 

 

“What the-” 

 

He stumbled up. Managing to make it to the door and fumble at the lock and handle clumsily. He started to open it, but the force on the other side opened it quickly and he fell backwards. 

 

He laid on his back staring up at the ceiling. Still dazed from the medication. It felt silent again. But the sound of the world around him seeped back in. 

 

“JAMES.” 

 

He was being shaken. He flicked his gaze over at the source. 

 

Regulus.

 

“Hi.” 

 

He smiled loosely. He reached up and felt at the other boy's face, grappling with the fact he was really here. Was he really here? Was he hallucinating? No, he felt the distinct feeling of that soft skin. The one he had held so many times before. Not even in this life, but the other universes before. He was always meant to find this soul. 

 

Regulus’s gaze, which had been hard and angry, softened. He held James’s face gently and far more gracefully than James had his. He rubbed his thumbs over his cheeks gently. James let his eyes close, relishing in the feeling. 

 

“Hi Jamie.” 

 

His voice sounded soft but laced with agony and despair. James could feel his head being lifted and slowly lowered into Regulus’s lap. He curled it into him deeper, sighing and his eyelids felt heavy again. Fingers carded through his hair, and James could feel the movement of the other man’s breath. In this moment he fell asleep, happy.  

—--------------------------------

He awoke later, he’s not sure when. But he was in the same position, but Regulus was leaning back against the wall and sleeping. 

 

Regulus? 

 

He felt around for his phone. He didn’t find it. It was dark. He sat up, careful not to disturb Regulus. He stood up and stretched. Walking into his kitchen, he checked the time on his stove. 23:07. That wasn’t bad. 

 

He walked into his room and grabbed his phone and checking it he saw the date, it was two days past when he had gone to the studio. Well, fuck. 

 

He didn’t even want to address his notifications, or the fact he had missed far too many days of work now. 

 

He filled up a glass with water and took a large sip. He was desperate for water. He hadn’t noticed the agonizing dehydration he had been enduring. He steadied himself on the counter, taking deep breaths and trying to regain his bearings. How long had Regulus been here for? 

 

He walked over to where Regulus was still sleeping in the entryway of his flat and rubbed at his eyes to double check that he wasn't imagining this. When his eyes refocused Regulus was still there. He carefully picked up the other boy and carried him over to his couch, depositing him there with care. He grabbed a near-by blanket and draped it over him.

 

He then went to go sit on his balcony and he stared out at the lively night-time streets of London. How he loved this place. The air was cold against his skin, he could see his breath. The sounds of cars honking, people laughing loudly, the wind whistling, and faint music could be heard. It was truly a beautiful place, he didn't know why he hadn't gone out more. 

 

The door opened behind him and then it closed; Regulus shuffled out, wrapped in the blanket James had given him. He sat down in the chair next to James and stared out into the night. They didn't say anything for a long while.

 

"Why?" 

 

When Regulus finally spoke his voice was raspy and not quite right in comparison to how he normally talked. It sounded as though he had been crying, and the fact he had woken up not that long ago most likely didn't help.

 

"Why what?" 

 

He was confused, and his voice displayed this. The question could be asking a lot of things so he needed more specifics.

 

"Why did you choose Sirius over me?" 

 

He didn't look at James while asking, he just kept staring out into the night. James hadn't been prepared for that, though it should have crossed his mind at least once. 

 

"I can't explain it." 

 

His voice was small and quiet. He didn't quite know why. He didn't know how but Sirius was different. He was James's everything. It was more than friendship, and far more potent than romance. It felt as though they were connected in their soul's and that was something he didn't know how to explain to anyone. You had to understand, or you didn't. 

 

"It doesn't mean I want you any less."

He paused before continuing.

 

"The relationship I have with you versus with Sirius is not comparable. They're completely different. And truth be told, it was arduous trying to respond to you." 

 

He took a pause, letting the words fade out and silence fill the space. He inhaled and exhaled.

 

"But I must be honest with you, I will choose Sirius over and over again. I can't lie and say I won't. And it eats away at me but I can't change the fact that it will always happen." 

 

Looking over at Regulus he stared at the stillness of his frame. He could see, faintly, the rise and fall of his chest with each breath he was taking. The sight of his breath in the frosty air. 

 

"I'm sorry, Regulus." 

 

And there, he heard it; the small tremor in the guise Regulus always bore. A hitch in his breath, gone as quick as it had happened. So small you could miss it, but he didn't. 

 

And perhaps this was the final crack, or perhaps he had been too strong for far too long, but he saw the tears begin to roll down the boy's cheeks. No further noises were made but the tears were there. He made no move to wipe them away or turn his face away. 

 

He continued to sit there, staring. James felt as though he was missing something that he should be seeing, but perhaps it was just a sight in Regulus's mind. Something only he could conjure to see. 

 

"That-" 

 

A choke. 

 

"That hurts." 

 

Regulus responded almost inaudibly. 

 

That hurt James as well. He hadn't meant to do it; he never means to do it. But somehow in trying so hard to never hurt anyone, he seems to hurt everyone .

 

"I'm sorry." 

 

"Why is that all you ever say James?" 

 

Regulus let out a heavy exhale.

 

"Why are you so messed up? All you do is apologize, and apparently deal with your problems with drugs, and mess up again. And then you do it all over again. Why?" 

 

Regulus was exasperated and not even angry. He sounded disappointed and tired, to James it was so much worse. 

 

He hadn’t thought through having Regulus alone in his house when he most likely had bottles and an array of other problematic things scattered around. Alcohol, drugs, and whatever else. 

 

“Stop it.” 

 

“Why James?”

 

Regulus kept pressing. James wasn’t able to deal with this. 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Yes you do !”

 

“ No , I don’t. Stop it.”

 

“Stop lying to me.”

 

“Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.” 

 

James was hyperventilating. He needed mercy, he needed Regulus to let up. He needed, and he needed, and he needed. He felt parasitic, it felt as though he was constantly taking from people. People told him it wasn’t true but he didn’t believe it. He did his best to combat this but he never registered it working, it didn’t work.  

 

Tears were forming and he couldn’t breathe. And then, as quick as it started, it stopped. It felt like a pause in a storm, being in the eye of a hurricane, a let up in the rain. He felt cold, yet gentle hands on his back. Rubbing circles, a beacon of light through the dark clouds of his mind, grounding him. It confused him if he was being honest, how can you go from confronting and bickering with someone to rubbing their back. It didn’t make sense.  

 

“James. James, can you hear me?” 

 

Despite Regulus trying to backtrack and ground him, his state wasn’t improving. He hated the idea that came into his mind, it made him freak out even more but it would help. He knew it would. 

 

Regulus needed to drug him.

 

He specifically needed another dose of his daily prescribed medication. It wasn’t technically being drugged, but it was necessary right now. And while this was a very dumb idea from a logical standpoint, he was not in a logical state of mind.

 

He needed to tell him that, communicate it, but it felt as though his throat was tight. Blocking the intake of air and the exhale of words.

 

“Need.” 

 

He internally cringed at the brainlessness of what came out of his mouth and tried to gesture at what he assumed was his medicinal cabinet, he wasn't quite sure it was though.

 

“What do you need James?”

 

“My medication, please ." 

 

His speech came in the form of shaky bursts, but he could feel the moment Regulus faltered and the boy’s heart stopped. 

 

“What.”

 

This time it wasn’t a question. Regulus was short and icy with his words. He didn’t have it in him to care right now, he needed that medication. It would assist him in calming down because him trying himself was not working. He couldn’t deal with Regulus huffing over the fact that James was turning to drugs yet again, he didn’t have the space for that.

 

"I need it."

 

Regulus hesitated. Then James could hear him get up and start rummaging through stuff. He needed his Valium and he could truly care less that he already took his prescribed doses for the day, it wasn't like his life was worth anything to him anyways and he couldn't handle this level of lacking control over himself. 

 

The tears kept coming. Regulus was right, he was messed up. He didn't know how to fix it so he turned to--what seemed like--the only option he had. Medications and drinks. But the problem with this is that the meds stop working. You eventually have to up the doses to receive the feeling of normalcy or the happiness you desire. Your body builds immunity to medications, but James always felt this determination to work around it. 

 

He felt his hand being opened and a tablet being deposited into his palm, he quickly popped it and swallowed–he was quite good at taking his pills dry at this point. Regulus continued to rub his back, it felt nice.

 

—

 

His hysteria dragged on for what felt like forever, however he eventually calmed down and silence overcame the room. He studied his ceiling, quickly losing himself in thoughts and zoning out. He realized he had no clue as to what the date or the time was, he should probably figure that out. 

 

“Do you know what the date is?” 

 

“The twenty-first of December.” 

 

Christmas is in four days. He has yet to do any holiday shopping, decorating, baking, or cooking. This is unusual for him since normally he is a very festive person, Christmas is his favourite holiday. You can always expect to find him baking cookies and wrapping gifts, he’s practically an elf around Christmas time. 

 

This year he has done nothing of the sort. No decorations, no cookies, no fun. His flat is dull and dark, empty of any food-let alone cookies. He let out a heavy sigh, he missed the Christmas cheer. Even more than that, he missed himself. Before he became this sad, miserable lump of a person. 

 

“Would you like to do anything? You could stay the night if you like. Tomorrow we could make cookies, or something?” 

 

It was a stretch, but it couldn’t hurt to try. He really, really missed Regulus. He wanted to spend time with him, regardless of if the circumstances were less than ideal. He wouldn’t have time to make plans with his family for Christmas, booking flights this late would be near impossible, but he could try and spend it with someone he loves. Most of the time, when he can’t spend the holidays with his family, he spends it with Sirius. But he and Sirius aren’t exactly on speaking terms, even after this long. He doesn’t know how much longer Sirius is going to be mad at him, maybe forever. No. He doesn’t want to think about that. Regulus seems to be contemplating his offer, which is better than a direct no. 

 

“Okay. I don’t have any other plans.” 

 

This was great. This was progress. Maybe he could fix them, and after that he could fix his relationship with Sirius. It was very late now, and he should probably get some sleep. Even though he had spent the last few days sleeping, he was exhausted. This evening had really taken all of his energy. The extra dose of medication probably wasn’t helping either. He began to stand up, with a very clear lack of gracefulness. After finally managing to get to his feet, he offered his hand to Regulus. The other man grabbed it and James pulled him up. Both of them were uncoordinated, so it resulted in them ending up pressed against each other. In an accidental embrace, James didn’t particularly want it to end so he wrapped his arms further around Regulus and leaned his head on his shoulder. Much to his pleasure, he made no move to pull away. They stood like that for a few moments, and he felt lighter. It felt good to be holding him again. They made their way to bed, both of them crawling into his bed. And they met in the middle in a cozy cuddle. Warm against the cold that seeped in regardless of all the windows being closed. He drifted off to sleep happily. 

—---------

He woke a few hours later, drenched in sweat and bolting upright. The raven had come back to haunt his dreams again. Somehow getting closer, James ran as fast as he could in the dream and it still managed to get closer. He awoke before it ever reached him. He looked around the room, chest heaving, and ran a hand through his hair. He looked down at the bed and next to him Regulus was still asleep. It warmed his heart to see him next to him. It came close to erasing the hurt that had been gripping onto him for the past few weeks. He carefully got out of the bed, walking quietly over to the bathroom and switching on the light. He turned on the tap and rinsed his face with cool water. He looked up in the mirror and exhaled. It was just a dream. The raven is not real, and it’s not going to hurt him. It was early morning, probably four or five; James should go to work. But one more day really wouldn’t hurt anything. And he already had plans with Regulus, so he couldn’t cancel. He’ll go tomorrow. He texted his boss that he would come in tomorrow if he was needed. He didn't have to wait long for a reply. 

 

His boss had always been sharp, so getting a message laced with venom wasn't anything new. However something was new: the text had expressed some concern for his well-being. That was something different.

 

Boss-Albus: Hello James, you were out for a very long time. Thought you just wanted to quit, big ego or whatever. However, great to hear from you. Us here at the agency were concerned. Nonetheless, we have a shoot that we have been needing a model for-a Christmas ad. Very lovely, you would need a partner. You would be acting as partners. As of now we don't have anyone for either position. Are you willing to take one of the roles? 

 

James: Yes. Call me later with the details, yeah?

Seen

Reacted with thumbs up

 

Well that was an interesting conversation. Normally his boss is just straight up rude and shows his obvious disdain for him. This was slightly different this time, there was the slight presence of something other than disdain and disgust. 

 

It was small things like these that had kept him motivated through his career. For some, the interactions with people in the industry may have been discouraging to continue on with pursuing it. James persisted, because he did love his job. It made him happy. It just got him down sometimes; but things like this did keep him going.

 

He walked back to the bed, staring down at the boy who still lay asleep there. Dead to the world. He sat down on the edge of the bed, he should occupy his mind with something; being alone with his thoughts never resulted in anything good. He returned under the covers, scooting himself closer to Regulus. He carefully brushed the squashed and messy curls out of his face, he was truly beautiful in an inexplicable way. He laid his back down on the pillow and went back to sleep.

-----

He awoke a little later to it being much lighter in the room than before, it wasn't sunny but there was still some light pouring into the room. He rubbed at his eyes and tried to re-orient himself, he felt very groggy. He felt movement next to him, probably Regulus waking up as well. He stared up at the ceiling, he could see shadows dancing on it; from rain or snow he wasn’t sure. Maybe sleet. 

 

“Good morning,”

 

 The voice came from next to him. He was slightly startled, with his recent desolation he hadn’t reacclimated to having someone speaking to him in the morning. He quickly turned to face him, relaxing slightly as he began to process everything. Well, maybe not everything ; just the good things. 

 

“Good morning.”

 

His voice was scratchy and raspy having just woken up, Regulus didn’t seem to mind. Glancing at the clock he spotted that it was around nine am, a great time to start their day together. Stretching with a big yawn, he swung his legs out of the bed and stood up. 

 

“You can stay in bed, if you want. I’m going to go make breakfast. Would you like anything specific?”

 

“Maybe some avocado toast.” 

 

Regulus’s voice was scratchy and hoarse as well. Avocado toast he could do! It would be–oh, no it wouldn’t be easy; he has no groceries at all. He could briefly run out to the shops, or he could order takeaway, but he was undecided.

 

“Normally I would be over the moon to make you food, however I am currently depleted of any groceries I might have. I could order takeaway?”

 

Regulus seemed to be contemplating.

 

“Or I could run out to the shops and grab some things real quick?”

 

The shift in his face indicated that he had reached a decision.

 

“I would like some bagels, perhaps.”

 

Bagels he could definitely manage to get. He grabbed his phone and opened up UberEats™, he found a small bagel shop with good reviews and put in an order. He flopped back down onto the bed and the air knocked out of him for a second. He thought about the plans he had been forming: decorating for Christmas, buying a tree and ingredients for cookies, baking together in the kitchen, wrapping gifts, and maybe a kiss or two under the mistletoe.

 

“I had some ideas I was tossing around for today. I was thinking we could eat breakfast first, obviously; then go out to the shops and buy a Christmas tree and some groceries, maybe do some Christmas shopping; then we could come back to my flat and bake cookies and wrap gifts. Put on the Polar Express or some cheesy but classic Hallmark holiday film.”

 

He had been speaking very quickly, and he was just now looking at Regulus. He had a look in his eyes that ignited a flame in James’s soul. The tension seemed to lighten some and a smile ghosted the boy's lips.

 

“That sounds great, James.” 

 

It was quiet, soft, kind; it filled him with a joy that wasn’t able to be put into words. He wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world. 

 

They spent some time lounging about, there was eventually a knock on the door and he quickly went to open it and grabbed the food from the delivery person and gave them some money in cash for a tip. He walked back into the parlor and dropped the bag on the coffee table, sitting down on the sofa next to Regulus. They enjoyed their breakfast together, laughing and smiling. Any tension that had been there only an hour earlier was erased. 

 

They eventually made their way to get dressed and get out of the flat and into the city. The air this morning felt different, instead of sharp and stabbing it felt whimsical. It created a sense of intimacy between him and his companion as they huddled together as they walked, laughing, joking, flirting. 

 

They made their way from shop to shop; they went into many shops to look at items that could be gifted for Christmas, they went to the supermarket, and they ended their outing with purchasing a beautiful nine foot evergreen tree. They called a taxi and had to secure it to the roof, and they sat in the back. Occasionally they would graze their fingers-- accidentally , of course. They brought everything into his flat, setting up the Christmas tree and putting the groceries away. They put on a holiday film in the background as they began to decorate the interior of their-- his --home. Hanging garlands and mistletoe, lights and paper snowflakes, putting out Nutcrackers and holiday snow-globes on his mantle. But James's favourite part was decorating the tree. They both hung up ornaments and strung lights, at one point they had stopped to string garlands. They sat curled up and mindlessly strung as they watched the television, commenting on all the clichés. It could be a tad hypocritical, considering they were essentially a cliché themselves. They didn't care. They baked cookies, throwing flour at each other and making an absolute mess. When the cookies were in the oven, they cleaned up--or attempted to, they only got so far before both of them were drenched from splashing soapy water. They had to clean that up too. 

 

When everything was done and the sun was fading they sat in his--now decorated--living room and watched the soft dance and flicker of the fire that was burning steadily in his fireplace. Regulus slowly scooted over to him inch by inch and he eventually ended up resting on James's shoulder. He was content, he was happy, and he felt loved. 

 

"I have a shoot tomorrow, would you like to come?"

 

It didn't feel unnatural, though he quickly realized that he hadn't brought him to a shoot in a long time--not that he himself had been at one in a long time. Regulus hummed next to him, clearly thinking about it.

 

"Okay…"

 

There was a hesitation at the end, like he wanted to say something more. He saw his eyes flicker away and his brows furrowed. He saw his face slowly relax, muscle by muscle, and he watched as the boy turned back to meet his eyes.

 

"James, I'm sorry."

 

What. That was in no way what he had been anticipating, he must have looked shocked because Regulus quickly continued.

 

"I'm sorry that I made you choose between Sirius or I. It wasn't fair, and I can't try and force myself to think it was. I've never told anyone this before, not even Pandora, and she's my best friend."

 

There was the crackle of fire, the ticking of a clock, their breathing, the faint sound of Christmas carols somewhere; it wasn't silent, not really. He placed a careful hand on Regulus's arm, a promise that he was there. 

 

"I've always had this feeling that I'm second to Sirius, in everything. My parents never cared about me until Sirius was gone and they needed a new face, a distraction from the fact that their heir was gone. I never was able to make friends like he could, I wasn't as funny, I wasn't as skilled. And when you were caught in the middle of it, I had come second yet again. But that isn't fair. So, I'm sorry."

 

James hadn't anticipated this at all. It was so abrupt that he just sat in shock. He had been stressing over this since it had happened, and in less than ten minutes it's all supposed to be erased? He wanted to be angry, he wanted him to realize that it wasn't comparable and had never had created this situation in the first place. And more than anything, he wanted Regulus to realize that he had worth.

 

"Okay…"

 

The hesitation in his voice was almost palpable. He stared in Regulus's eyes, they were unreadable normally, grey and a heavy storm that he couldn't see through; but right now, now they were transparent. Instead of grey they were a deep blue, and they were frightened. 

 

"I forgive you, for always." 

 

He had many flaws, but he didn't consider being forgiving a flaw at all. In fact, he considered his forgiveness one of his key strengths. He wrapped his arms around the boy he loved more than almost anyone and ran his fingers through his hair. Regulus relaxed into his arms, resting his head back against his chest. They let time pass like this, comfortable in the silence they shared and eventually they both fell asleep on his couch. It was a nice day, if only it could always be like this.

----

He awoke to the abrupt and loud sound of his alarm that he doesn't remember setting. Regulus was no longer in his arms and the flat was dark. He sat up quickly, his heart beginning to pound and the scenarios that could have caused this change. He got up and looked around, the decorations were gone and there was a strange humming noise. It was getting louder and was sounding less like humming and more like…squawking? Squawking. No, no this couldn't be. He walked to his window and flying straight for it was the raven, he was still looking out the window when the glass shattered and he was falling rapidly towards the ground. The raven was soaring towards him and as he reached the ground it-

----

His breathing was ragged, he was so hot, and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. He opened his eyes to someone shaking him, Regulus. Who was still very much on the couch in his living room that was still decorated. It was a night terror. There were soothing hands running over his arms and gentle hushes. He was okay. His alarm began to beep, it was time to start getting up. He didn't want to, he wanted to stay in the comfort of these arms. Regulus began to speak.

 

"It's okay, Jamie. I have you."

 

He could cry again but just from the gentle domesticity of this. He wasn't sure what had brought him back but he wasn't upset in the slightest. 

 

"You need to start getting ready, are you okay to do that?"

 

He nodded somberly, he took one more deep inhale. The smell of clean linen and sea salt filling his senses, Regulus smelled nice. 

 

Eventually he did get up. It took him a minute to reacclimate to the feeling of getting ready so early for work. When he was finished getting ready and he was finishing up breakfast with Reg he checked the time on his phone, 07:01, they needed to go. They quickly scrambled to clean up the remains of breakfast, grabbed their coats, and rushed out the door. They even reached the studio early. And for the first time in weeks, he came face-to-face with his boss. 

 

"Hello, James. We were half-expecting you to cancel or just not show up, so what a surprise."

 

Passive aggressive as always, not much has changed. 

 

"Well I'm here, and I brought Regulus again."

 

He watched as the two of them stiffly shook hands and plastered polite smiles on. As soon as that exchange was over he clasped his hand and walked towards the dressing room. Same as always. He spotted the rack of clothing, not bad. He spun on his heel to face Regulus and smiled. 

 

"Do you remember where everything is? Do you need me to get you snacks or a beverage?"

 

He just smiled and shook his head, a quiet laugh escaping his lips momentarily.

 

"Okay, well I'm going to get ready. Sit wherever you'd like."

 

He walked over to the rack and pulled on the first outfit, nothing special. Quite warm though, it being worn in the studio. It didn't take him long to finish getting ready, and so he had time to sit and chat with Regulus before he had to go out. When he got a knock on his door he gave him a quick hand squeeze and begrudgingly walked to the door. 

 

Walking out he spotted another model, his partner. She had fiery red hair and plenty of freckles that he could see, even from his stand point across the studio. He walked over and they locked eyes, her eyes scaled him up and down before giving him a polite smile and wave. He returned these gestures and offered his hand to shake. Up close he could see that she had emerald green eyes and her hair fell in tight coils starting from her roots. She was very pretty, he could say that much.

 

"Hello, I'm Lily. I'm presuming you're my shoot partner since we're dressed in identical Christmas pajamas?" 

 

He let out a chuckle and smiled back.

 

"Yes indeed, I'm James. It's a pleasure to meet you."

 

After some quick pleasantries they got called to places and had to begin the shoot. They had various poses that a normal couple could be seen in: sitting next to each other on a prop couch, his arm around her shoulders while they both laughed and smiled at each other. They had brought in a younger model to pose as their child, he was quite adorable and looked shockingly like the both of them. Brown wavy hair and glasses, like him; and pale skin and green eyes like Lily. The shoot progressed as they moved from outfit to outfit and pose to pose. He quickly found that Lily was very funny and had a kind soul. He couldn't have asked for a better co-model. As they went into the last outfit, they had gotten directions to share a nice kiss. They both laughed before going into it, and they got the shots and they broke away laughing and fake gagging. This shoot was actually quite fun for him. As they were chatting and walking off set, he spotted Regulus. He waved him over and gave him a quick hug, and he introduced him to Lily. She gave him a nice smile and he returned it, but it didn't quite meet his eyes. 

 

"Lily, this is my…"

 

What were they now? Still in a relationship? Just close friends? What were they? He was trying to think of what to describe them as when Regulus grabbed his face--rather roughly--and dragged him down into a kiss. He was taken by surprise, but he quickly returned it before breaking away with a laugh. 

 

"This is my boyfriend, Regulus, if you couldn't tell."

 

Regulus seemed very touchy right now, not that he was upset, but it wasn't normal. He had his arms wrapped around James and leaned into his shoulder affectionately. Eventually he did want to go change out of the several layers of clothing he was wearing and go home, so he got Lily's number and gave her a light hug goodbye and walked towards his dressing room with Regulus in tow. 

 

"I actually quite enjoyed this shoot, Lily is very nice. She likes books as well, I think you would like her if you got to know her. Anyways, are you ready to leave after I get finished changing?"

 

There was a long silence.

 

"Yes."

 

His tone was clipped and he spun around to face him, his face bore an expression of annoyance. He was very confused. 

 

"Is everything alright?"

 

Regulus scoffed and gave him a glare, his eyes were grey and unreadable again. For some reason his walls were back up, and he didn't know why. 

 

"Yes, I'm fine. Can you hurry up so we can go?"

 

He gave a quick nod and glanced at him in the mirror with concern as he got dressed. He re-hung the clothes and packed up his stuff and offered his arm as they left the dressing room. They walked back out into the streets and the air felt stinging with the cold. The walk back to his flat was silent, but Regulus's hands remained firmly clasped around James arm. When they walked through the door he still didn't let go of his arm, he wasn't certain the other boy was present mentally at the moment.

"Regulus?"

 

He used his free arm to wave a hand in front of his face.

"Regulus?"

 

He called again, drawing out the ending. This seemed to work as the boy shook his head, perhaps shaking away any thoughts he had been engrossed in, and met his eyes. James offered him an uncertain smile and Regulus returned it with far more certainty, but it--to James--looked like it didn't meet his eyes. 

 

"Everything alright? You were zoned out for quite a bit."

 

"Yeah, just tired I suppose."

Okay, he wasn't going to push it. 

 

"I might go back to my flat"

"Oh, okay. Would you like to come back for Christmas? Unless you have any plans already?"

 

"That sounds great, do you mind if I bring Pandora? We normally spend Christmas together."

 

"Yeah of course, the more the… merrier."

He flashed a dumb grin and snapped his fingers. Regulus didn't laugh but he could see that he was fighting a smile. The struggles of sad and mysterious boys, he presumes. Too much work for him. They bid their goodbyes, a small kiss, a hug, and then Regulus was off. The heat from where he was standing still in the room, James wondered if he would be cold without it. He wanted to bag it up and hold it against his chest forever. He needed to go shopping for gifts, he wasn't sure what Pandora liked but he could figure it out. But after his shoot today he was slightly exhausted, he laid down on his sofa and watched some films from his childhood. A perfect way to end an almost perfect day. He would start his shopping tomorrow morning.

—--------------------------------

He spent the remainder of the twenty-third last minute shopping. He texted Regulus and asked what kind of things Pandora liked, she really liked crystals and taxidermy of butterflies and moths. Interesting. He went around from shop to shop, he also stopped at the supermarket again to grab more groceries to make dinner. Regulus and Pandora were coming over tomorrow for Christmas eve. They were spending the night and then spending Christmas day. He had to buy enough groceries to make both dinners. When he got home, you could barely see his forearms with how many bags he had on them. He dropped them in the front hall, and began to unload everything. Afterwards, he deep cleaned his flat and straightened up. Overall, a very exhausting day.  

-----

Gifts? Wrapped. Dishes? Prepped and cooked. Flat? Cleaned and tidy. (Bonus point, he had candles going for a nice scent.) He was now showering and getting ready, he had been stressing all morning and he was attempting to relax as the water soothed down his skin. Like this he could see all the scars he had, each one telling a story and symbolizing a fragment of his life. It was times like these that he felt as though he wasn't ashamed, in the solitude and safety of his home he was almost proud. They show how far he has come and how much he has fought to stay. He finished up his shower and got dressed. He put on another holiday film and sat down to rest for a bit before his guests arrived. He could feel the sadness creeping up behind him, though. Sinking its horrible claws deep within him, he missed Sirius. The void of him has slowly been hitting him harder and harder, today was especially hard. The holiday they had shared so many memories on now no longer creating new ones for them to cherish. He tries not to focus on that. Today is a day to make new ones, without Sirius. What was he doing? Was he okay? Who was he with? His brain needs to stop. A knock on his door. Sirius?

 

"Oh hello! You must be Pandora."

 

She smiled politely and gave him a hug. A woman after his own heart.

 

"Yes! You're James, Regulus has told me so much about you. He's practically obsessed with you."

 

James was guessing the flush he felt on his cheeks was evident because Pandora had a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

 

" Pandora ."

 

However red James thought he was, Regulus was more red. The cool porcelain tone of his skin was replaced with a deep flush from his face and down his neck. 

 

"Hi."

 

"Hi."

 

Pandora was watching this awkward exchange that she very much caused with a satisfied smile and her arms crossed. This was clearly her intention with her statement.

 

"I'm uh- I'm obsessed with you too if it helps."

 

And there it was, the word vomit. He guessed both of them would have rather kept these things to themselves but that had gone out the window. He opened the door wider and let them in. The two were whispering amongst themselves, and he couldn't help but smile. He was glad Regulus had a friend like Pandora, it looked like they were very close. 

-----

They were having a very nice evening, they had eaten dinner and now they were sitting on the couch sipping some wine one of them bought. He wasn't sure which one, they had gone through a few bottles now and his brain was slightly fuzzy. His phone buzzed with a notification and he casually glanced at it, there was an invitation to a New Years Eve party from Lily. He clicked onto it and saw that there was an image and some text attached underneath. 

 

Lily Evans (Work):

see attachment

Hello, bring whomever you'd like. Hope to see you there xx. Happy Christmas.

 

James: Thanks! I'll see if I can make it.

 

He smiled and pocketed his phone. He would have to remember to ask Regulus, and now maybe Pandora as well. That was a task for tomorrow, and so he went back to focusing on his evening. Films, laughter, bad jokes, and cookies; it was a very nice Christmas Eve. He rather enjoyed it even if it wasn't what he had done before. The ache in his heart for Sirius didn't go away, but it did lessen and got more bearable. They all got quite tired, so with kind goodnights everyone went off to their respective rooms--Regulus didn't stay in his for very long--and they ended their evening with wishes of Merriness and joy. 

 

Later, James got up carefully and placed the gifts he had gotten everyone under the tree. He quickly went back to sleep and he had no nightmares.

---

They woke up late and all opened their gifts together. Pandora seemed overjoyed with her gifts, so that was a win. Regulus had gotten him some new curl products, which he much appreciated. And he had gotten gifts from Pandora too, much to his surprise, a guitar. 

 

A guitar.

 

She had gotten him a guitar. He could have cried. How did she know? It was like she could predict things, or something of the sort. He felt the tears threaten to spill over and he tried to blink them back. He had never felt so seen before. 

 

"Thank you."

 

He could barely talk, he wasn't sure if anyone even heard him but he couldn't care. Pandora just smiled knowingly and nodded. He gave her a big hug, so tight she squealed and he had to apologize. 

 

He didn't quite process the rest of the day, it felt as though he was floating on a cloud far above anything. 

 

It was a magnificent Christmas.

 

"Happy Christmas everyone."

Notes:

I love you all. I'll try and get this next chapter out faster <3