Chapter Text
Riza leaned against her closed door and could barely breathe. That performance deserved an award. Trying to appear okay and not desperate to jump in his arms and pray for him to take her back. The Colonel had visited to check up on her! He actually came over to see her! Her heart thumped, slightly deafening her from the world. She couldn’t stop the schoolgirl butterflies from flickering in her heart. He looked so damn handsome in his suit and he very clearly spent awhile on his hair. Why had he been so dressed up?
Then it hit her like a gunshot through the lungs.
He came over to check on her right before going out on a date. He had moved on from her. That explained why he kicked her out of the military and had been dressed so nicely. Riza then realized that he hadn’t tried to take her back during their conversation. He hadn’t tried to apologize and explain that the entire thing had been a joke. He did his due diligence for his past subordinate and once he had seen that she was alright, he left quickly to carry on with his eventful evening.
You really thought he cared for you? You were nothing but a tool for him to use. All tools end up replaced once a shiny new one comes along.
Colonel Mustang was never coming to get her back. He was done with her. Forever.
Riza’s knees slammed onto her apartment flooring as she collapsed. Her limbs shook madly, throat tightened. The world around her blurred and slowed down to slow motion. She gasped for air and gagged, her body trying its hardest to throw something up but couldn’t.
Come on already, do the world a favour. Avenge those poor Ishvalans you obliterated.
The sounds of screaming children that she murdered in cold blood, buildings exploding, rumble falling and squashing more innocent people all echoed in her head on repeat like a skipping record.
The horrors only became louder and louder, suffocating her.
You’ve lived on long enough for the sins you’ve given the world.
She fell forward, stomach hitting the floor. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe! The screams rang her ears until she could feel it vibrating on her skull. They slammed into her skull and ear drums, screaming and crying blending into one horrific scarring sound that repeated over and over and over. The pleads of the innocent Ishvalan people. The smell of the decaying bodies in the Ishvalan heat.
Tears burned her cheeks as her fingernails dug deep into the wooden flooring. Riza scraped her body across the floor with one goal in mind.
One last goal to complete.
She sat up on the floor and with the cool silver metal now nestled softly into her hands, she removed the safety, staring deep into the barrel. The gun shook violently and she had stopped breathing now. The dark hole taunted her.
What are you so scared of? You could do it to sweet and innocent children.
The scent of gunpowder leaked off the metal and the screeches of Ishvalan children continued to beat the inside of her head.
Colonel Mustang wants this. He wants you gone.
Her eyes fought to close but she forced them open to see what they saw before their injustice. She lost feeling in her arms and her chest felt as though it would explode like an Ishvalan landmine.
It’s what you deserve. You must make things right.
Her finger rested against the trigger.
Avenge them. This is the only way. This is your apology.
Her heart pounded in her ears.
You’ll make Roy Mustang happy.
Barking echoed in the bedroom. Riza jolted and squeezed the trigger.
The following day at work was just as busy as the one before. Without Hawkeye there, things piled up despite the team trying their best to be as speedy as possible. It also seemed like everyone needed him for something and Roy was about to explode at the next person who bothered him.
The phone rang and Roy inwardly groaned. Did he seriously need even more people bothering him? Nevertheless, he placed it against his ear, trying not to sound as snappy as he felt. “Hello, Brigadier-General Mustang speaking.”
“Good morning, sir. This is the Amestrian Hospital calling.”
His eyebrow furrowed. Why would he be receiving a call from the hospital?
“We’re calling in regards to Riza Hawkeye. They have you on her emergency contact list.”
His breathing hitched and panic struck up his throat. “What happened to her!?” His volume alerted the rest of his team.
“She suffered a gunshot wound to the head. She’s currently undergoing surgery but is stable. She’ll be monitored closely for the time being.”
His entire body shot cold. A gunshot wound to the head? Did someone break into her apartment? Who and why!? Right then, visions of their interaction last night filled his mind and he remembered how cold and monotone her voice and face had been. Did she… do it to herself…?
“Hello?”
Roy opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t push anything out. He had to see her now. He slammed the phone down on the receiver.
“Hey Boss, what’s going on?” Havoc asked, poking his head up from his book.
Roy didn’t look at any of his team members. His legs wobbled and barely had the strength to even move but he pushed to get out of there as fast as possible.
He had to see her.
The minute he arrived at the hospital, things were not going his way. He stormed over to the front desk. “I’m here to see Riza Hawkeye.”
The receptionist gave him a small frown. “She’s currently in the operating room. We’ll call you when she’s available for visitation.”
He popped out his watch. “I’m Brigadier-General Mustang. I demand to see her.”
The receptionist hardly budged. “I’m sorry but no visitors are allowed in the operating room.”
Why were they being so difficult!? Roy’s fingers pressed together as he spoke in a dark voice. “ Let me see her. ”
Another nurse popped up from behind him with a clipboard in her arms and gave him a glare. “Sir, this is a hospital. You’re disturbing the guests.”
He peered around at the frightened looks on the nurses’ and patients’ faces that were scattered around the room. With a shaky breath, he dropped his hand. “Fine,” was all he said before plopping down in the nearest waiting corner.
Waiting there had to be the hardest thing he had ever done. The minutes on the clock ticked by slower than he ever thought possible. His leg hadn’t stopped vibrating.
I'm fine, sir. Why wouldn't I be?
She hadn’t been fine. He knew that, but still he ran away from her like a coward, afraid of hurting her more than he already had and now here she was… in the freaking hospital from something she did to herself. Roy’s fists clenched up as he breathed heavily. She seriously tried to end her own life due to Roy’s actions. Leaving the military was that horrible to her that she’d rather be… dea-
I’m fine, sir.
“You weren’t fine!” Roy shouted, his voice shot out like a violent growl. “Why did I leave you!?” A fist hit the nearest chair’s arm.
He couldn’t tell just how much his voice echoed off the hospital walls until a nurse approached him with a very stern look. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
He whipped his head down, trying to shield his wet eyes with his bangs. “I need to see her,” he said through gritted teeth. “I need to see her.”
“I understand but I can’t have you yelling throughout the hospital.”
“I apologize,” he whispered, trying to keep himself from completely spilling over. His breaths were shaky and he felt as if his heart was going to burst.
“One more outburst and we’ll have security escort you, understood?”
“Yes,” he whispered again and squeezed his pant legs. Damn it.
The hours dragged on and on. Hawkeye’s sweet voice continued to eat away at Roy, digging and digging like a satchel.
I’m fine, sir.
I’m fine, sir. Why wouldn’t I be?
Goodnight, sir.
He kept it together enough to not get kicked out but the enamel on his teeth were clearly worn away to nothing. The nurse had said that she was stable but for how long? What if the surgery failed and she-? He bit his tongue, chewing on it harshly. Why did he always cause her pain? Why did he always screw up so badly? Why did it always have to hurt her? The metal tang of blood coated his tongue. Why was he so fucking stupid?
Roy almost burst out of his seat when the receptionist called to him alerting him about visitation. The first round of surgery had been complete but she still had multiple other sessions to undergo, however, they allowed for short visitations, probably to get Roy out of there.
He charged through the halls, room 103 not appearing quick enough. When he turned the corner of the hall, he saw a woman hunched over on a bench crying her eyes out. He kept his distance, mind just focused on seeing Hawkeye.
The door was open so he took a step in, holding his breath. When he peered in and saw the most important person in the world to him laying on that metal bed, he almost threw up. It wasn’t a joke. Part of him hoped that it had been some sick joke after all and that it wouldn’t be her laying there.
But it was. She was truly there.
The surgeons had bandaged up one half of her face that went from her chin all the way to the back of her head, covering half of her nose, one of her eyes, and one ear. She had tubes attached and was sleeping, covered nicely under some blankets that looked far too itchy.
He dashed over, tears finally spilling over. He slammed down onto his knees, grabbing her one exposed hand with both of his like a prayer. “Fuck I’m so sorry! ” he whispered, still trying to keep it together for her. “I didn’t mean for this to happen! I just wanted to protect you! Fuck, god, I’m so stupid! ” His tears dropped onto her hospital blanket. “Why do I always hurt you!?” His entire body shuddered and he squeezed her hand far too hard. “Please just wake up! Please! ”
The silence of the hospital room mixed with those anxiety inducing beeps of her monitor didn’t help calm him down in the slightest. He lowered his head onto her chest and didn’t let go of her hand. Her scent comforted him until his nose was so clogged that he couldn’t smell a damn thing.
“You!”
Roy’s shoulders shot up and he lifted his head up, sniffing like mad to try and clear it. One hand let go of Hawkeye’s to wipe his face but he kept his other perfectly intertwined with hers.
Standing by the doorway was no other than Rebecca Catalina. Her eyes were blood red and puffy. Her cheeks were inflamed and hair in the messiest ponytail he had ever seen her in. Despite that, the glare she sported looked as if she could kill him.
“Catalina,” he said, trying to hide the fact that he had been bawling not a second before. “What are you doing here?”
“Get away from her!” she shouted, taking a step into the room. “You have no right to be here or even touch her!”
Roy was not in the mood to deal with Catalina’s crap. How did she know about Riza being in here this soon? He didn’t move and instead squeezed Riza’s hand.
“This is all your fault! Riza’s in here because of you! ” Catalina shouted, pointing a finger. “Get away from her!”
Roy still didn’t move. He glared right back. “Don’t even try me today, Catalina,” he spat with such darkness.
She rolled her eyes, daring to step closer. “Go ahead! Murder me too, why don’t you!”
That stung and Roy’s free hand shoveled itself into a tight fist.
“This is all because of you!” she shouted with pure rage. “First you fire her from the job that she loves so much and then you decide to ditch her too, like she means absolutely nothing to you! Next time I go to hangout with her, she won’t answer her door!” she panted, trying to catch her breath. “I end up panicking and calling the cops and guess what they find!?” Her eyes burned into his as she choked on the mess in her throat. “Her fucking corpse on the ground with a gun beside it! It was no fucking accident!” Tears rolled down her face as she continued to scream at him. “You took away everything she had and she couldn’t take it! You destroyed her life so badly that she was fine with taking it herself! So no! You don’t have any right to be here! Get the hell out of here before I call security!”
“You think I don’t know that!?” Roy growled back, hardly able to stop shaking. Hearing it out loud ate away at his heart like acid. “I was just trying to protect her!”
“Well good fucking job!” she screamed, littered with sarcasm. “You drove the strongest person I know to shoot herself in the head!”
Roy’s eyes filled up again and his lungs pounded deep in his chest. His brain swirled when the mental imagery of Hawkeye’s limp body laying on the ground next to the gun that she used against herself was all that he could see. A large puddle of her own blood poured out, just painting her entire apartment floor. Poor Black Hayate whimpering and licking his master.
“I’m going to make sure that this spreads around the entire military headquarters so they know the real you and the real reason for Riza’s dismissal! Fucking bullshit!” she screeched so loudly that her throat went scratchy. “And if she dies, I swear to god I will sue you until you have nothing left!”
“Shut up!” Roy blurted through gritted teeth. “Just shut up!” He wobbled to his feet, hardly able to feel his own body. “You think I don’t feel shitty enough for this?” he laughed with pure sarcasm while his own tears finally fluttered down his cheeks. “She almost died during the Promised Day and I was just trying to protect her by keeping her out of the military and without me! You see what I do to her?” Roy could taste the salt on his lips. “I do nothing but hurt her!”
Rebecca scoffed extra loud on purpose. “You deserve no sympathy!” She spat with pure venom. “Burn in hell!”
Roy wiped his eyes with his sleeve and peered down at Riza who hadn’t moved at all since his visit. Her machine beeped away in perfect rhythm. He did deserve to burn in hell.
“I don’t know what stupid creepy backstory you two have that has kept Riza stuck to your side like glue,” Rebecca went on. “But maybe instead of only thinking with your dick, maybe, just maybe, try to appreciate the bullshit she’s gone through for you!”
Roy’s eyes immediately burned Catalina. “You don’t have any right to comment on anything that goes on between us, you got that?”, he snapped. She assumed that just because she was upset that she was able to directly insult both him and Hawkeye like that? She really was pushing her damn luck! “I have and always will appreciate everything she’s done for me!”
Rebecca laughed loudly, making sure to roll her head back. “Oh that’s rich! We both know that you found some better hookup and because Riza has far more self respect than any of the other whores you fuck, you got pissed and finally threw her in the dumpster!”
Roy stomped his one foot forward and threw his hands in the air. “Are you listening to yourself!? You seriously think that Hawkeye means that little to me!?”
“Yes! Actually, I do!” she spat. “I know that you’ve been trying to get with her for years and I guess your manwhore ass finally couldn’t take waiting for her anymore so you ditched her to make room for another girl that will absolutely ‘swoon’ over your ‘charm’!” She made sure to include air quotes with an eye roll.
Roy could hardly believe what was coming out of her mouth. He shot daggers at her. “Fuck you, Catalina.”
She let out a sarcastic laugh. “Yeah, no thanks! I don’t want a dick that’s been in every girl in Amestris!” Her one hand slid onto her hip when a smirk grew onto her face. “And clearly neither does Riza.”
A nurse that clearly heard their dispute but chose to ignore it stepped into the room with a clipboard in her arms. “Apologies but visitation is over.”
Both Roy and Rebecca quieted down immediately, knowing to behave to avoid being kicked out from the hospital permanently. Rebecca flicked her hair at Roy before shooting him the finger and stomping away.
Roy could do nothing but stand there, full body shaking like mad.
Roy cursed the next day at work. It was clear from the looks he received by any soldier who passed him that Catalina had done her work. Everybody in the military now knew what he had done to poor Hawkeye.
Even his own team barely spoke with him and whenever they had to for a job, they avoided eye contact. The only one who would speak to him was Havoc but it was simple small talk.
Lunch was even worse. Roy went to the cafeteria for a coffee and a ham sandwich but it was like every table had their own theories of what had happened.
“I heard that they slept together and he left her for another woman!”
“I heard that they got into a fight and he burned her so badly that she couldn’t take the pain anymore!”
“I heard that she was so bad in bed that he drove her to shoot herself!”
“He flat out shot her!”
Like clockwork, each table hushed up the second he passed by. Normally he’d scold each and every one of them but he didn’t have the energy. And what, was he supposed to correctly inform them that he destroyed her life to the point of driving her to end it? Like that was any better.
Suddenly, that ham sandwich was as appealing as dirt.
When work ended, Roy emptied his desk for the day and slung his jacket over his shoulder. Weirdly, Havoc still lingered in the office.
“Hey Havoc,” Roy said. “You know you've been dismissed for the day, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, awkwardly lingering.
Roy raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you still here? Everybody’s gone.”
Havoc’s eyes wandered around the office. “I uh-” He cut himself off and fiddled with an unlit cigarette in his hand. “...How are you doing?”
There it was. Havoc wanted more details about Hawkeye but he was about to get none. “We’re not talking about it,” Roy said in a harsh tone.
“I just don’t get it,” he whispered. “Why would she do that?”
“I said we’re not talking about it,” Roy snapped and turned his back to leave. He didn’t want to deal with this. He made it to the doorway when Havoc spoke again.
“I was thinking of visiting her.”
Roy’s feet squeaked to a stop but he didn’t turn around. Instead he grumbled out, “She’ll be in surgery for the next couple days so don’t bother.”
“Oh.” Havoc’s voice fell. “Is she going to be okay?”
Roy’s fist clenched at his side.
“Is she?” Havoc’s voice turned panicky.
“I don’t know, Havoc!” Roy’s voice raised in volume. “Stop talking to me about it.”
“Alright,” he whispered. “Have a good night, Boss.”
Roy left immediately and as badly as he wanted to go to the hospital in case Hawkeye woke up, he knew that he wouldn’t be allowed in the operating room anyway. His lips craved whiskey but there was so way he’d face the girls and his aunt. Instead, he went back to his place and drank vodka until he was sick.