I'm a Stitch Away From Making It and a Scar Away From Falling Apart

by MarvelousAvengfulSlytherin

Summary:

Everyone thought that Maverick was fine but it just takes a drop to make a man unravel. Merlin should have seen it.

After all, he was Maverick's RIO.

Notes:

Just me writing a Maverick and Merlin friendship fic out of nowhere cause after rewatching Top Gun about 5x now since I was sick with a cold a few weeks ago, it just kept going in my head with this story. So, here it is!

Title of this story is from Fall Out Boy's song The (After) Life of The Party

This takes place after the Layton Mission.

Chapter 1: A Shattered Pilot and a Protective RIO Finish a Mission In 1986...

Merlin could see something was a bit off with Mav. At first, he thought it was the adrenaline finally crashing on his friend. He could see something was off with Maverick and he was correct. Merlin trusted his gut, it's what he's known to do up in the air, first with Cougar and now with Maverick.

So here he was following Maverick down the tiny halls of the ship to where they were bunking. He was stopped briefly by some sailors all jubilant over the victory. Merlin had to hide his annoyance with smiles and thank yous over the congratulatory shit before going in search of his pilot. He went to their shared room and could hear nothing. The silence rattled Merlin even more but the sight when he opened the door made him go cold.

There was a trickle of blood running down Maverick's wrists, steadily flowing. Merlin did not have time to process it all as he launched himself at Maverick and got the razor from his hand tossing it across the room. He managed to blindly grasp a sheet and press it down on both his wrists to stop the flow of blood. Maverick didn't say anything just stared blankly at him as if waiting for a punishment or a shout. Merlin did not do either.

"Mav, I'm taking you to medical. We got to get you home and then I'm calling your sister. C'mon, Mav." He tried not to let his voice waver but it was a hard thing to do. He should have seen the signs, he should have. But Merlin was just glad he got here sooner rather than later.

By a stroke of luck, he managed to get Maverick to medical without anyone being the wiser. It wasn't until a few hours later the tale-tell sign of footsteps rapidly coming down the hall that Merlin knew the others had been told. He had been the only one to sit with Maverick.

He was the only one that Maverick had told about the cutting beside the doctor. So when they heard the footsteps, Merlin told him to "sleep" and he would take care of the rest. Merlin tucked his pilot back into bed making sure he hid the wrists from view. It wasn't that they wanted to lie to their friends, their newly minted squadron from some gossips running amuck but Merlin didn't want Maverick to be smothered. He knew how Mav acted when cornered - he heard it from Goose and a tidbit from Mav's younger sister. Maverick didn't do well when cornered and would fight everyone rather than say the truth when it wasn't on his terms.

So, Merlin shielded his friend.

Iceman and Slider were the first to enter the small room. Behind them a few seconds later were Hollywood, Wolfman, Chipper, and Sundown, accompanied by Admiral Jardian who gave a nod to Merlin.

"What happened?" Ice was the one to take charge asking the obvious question that Merlin wouldn't answer truthfully. "He was fine. He... what happened?"

Merlin was spared from answering by Stinger.

"He's being sent to Balboa Naval Hospital where you boys will be for the time being. In Fightertown helping Viper and Jester. They wanted you boys back and I already signed off. Maverick will be spending his few days in there before he's let out. We'll be in San Diego in a few days." With that Stinger left.

"Sam, what happened?" Ice pressed him again.

Merlin wouldn't budge. He could see that the others weren't buying it. "He collapsed, Ice. The doctors just want him to take it easy and be in the hospital for a few days." He didn't want to lie but for Maverick he would. "He's going to be fine, guys."

He wasn't sure if he was reassuring the group or himself.

---

When they finally got to San Diego and Maverick was safely in a hospital once again, Merlin got in contact with Penelope Mitchell. She was staying with Cougar and his wife Mabel until Mav returned and now Merlin was delivering not-so-good news. By the time he ended the call, Merlin knew he had to tell Maverick that his younger sister was coming to San Diego.

"Mav?" He asked his friend.

The pilot in question was staring off into space towards the window. The shorter man jumped slightly when Mav called his name. Merlin sat down on a chair close to his bed and told him, "Mav. Penny is flying in, I didn't tell her everything. Just that you were in the hospital for an injury. I'm going to call Viper and Jester to pick her up."

"Do you think they know? Viper and Jester, I mean."

Merlin nodded. "I think so. Yesterday he looked a bit pale from seeing you here."

"He's mine and Penny's godfather, ya know?" Merlin looked at him with surprise. "He was supposed to take us in but I guess he didn't want two brats messing up his life."

"Mav, no. Maybe things got in the way, you don't know that." Merlin tried to reason with him. Maverick did not look too sure or convinced about it as if his mind was made up that Viper didn't want the Mitchell kids. "Ask him tomorrow when he comes."

"What makes you think he'll be here?"

"He seemed pretty determined to be here and made me promise to keep him updated on you." Merlin shrugged. "That doesn't sound like a man who would throw away two kids to the wolves, now does it?"

Maverick didn't say anything after that. He had been quiet, not the exuberant person he had known before Goose's death. The doctors had told Sam that Maverick had been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression. It had been a gut punch for both men, sending Maverick into a deep worry if the Navy ever found out they wouldn’t let him fly. Merlin had to reassure his pilot that the scenarios he was putting in his head would not happen. But even Merlín didn’t know if that was true or not, he’d have to ask Viper or Jester about that for Maverick’s sake and peace of mind.

Even with that worry hanging over his head Maverick was adamant about not telling his classmates about this. He would tell Penny, that Maverick would not lie to his younger sister but to the other guys. That was a lie he would have to sell for a bit until he was ready to tell the truth. Merlin had already covered for him on the USS Layton before they had to evac Maverick to San Diego. 

“Sam?” He said to the tall man that was now his Rio. “Thank you.”

Sam just patted Maverick’s shoulder gently. “Pete, if you ever feel… if you don’t feel good just tell me. It would be best if you didn’t go through this alone. That hurting yourself will… I need my pilot. So tell me when it’s a bad day and I’ll help.”

Maverick’s throat felt tight as he tried to swallow his feelings but couldn’t. Tears began to prick behind his eyes threatening to fall down his cheeks. All he could say laying in his hospital bed with his wrists bandaged up tightly was “Thanks, Merlin. Thank you.”

When Penelope Mitchell finally flew in, she could not stop jiggling her right leg. It was a force of habit at this point, same as her older brother whenever they got nervous or nerves acted up. Today was one of those days as she touched down at the San Diego airport and spotted two older men holding up a sign with her name on it in bold letters. Sam had told her that Commander Mike Metcalf and Rick Heatherly would be picking her up. She smiled at them as she came closer to the two, lugging her duffel bag, her backpack, and her suitcases. She looked like a pack mule in an airport. They greeted her and helped with the suitcases but she carried her duffel bag. All she could hear as Mike asked about her - her schooling and what activities she did back in the Bay Area was Merlin’s words. He had told her that Pete was in the hospital that it was bad and she was needed here asap. All the way here she began to pray - “Don’t take my brother. He can’t leave me. I need him.” She almost cussed out God but held back. Her mother would have scolded her.

”Sound good, Penelope?”

”Penny,” it slipped automatically from years of stuffy hypocritical aunts who hated them. Hated the remainder of their existence and that their aunt was left with her brother's children. The children of a traitor naval pilot. After they were begrudgingly taken in it was like all mention of their father ceased to exist especially from his own family members.

When Pete had turned eighteen he took Penny and left Fresno to live in San Francisco after Pete met Goose and introduced him to Cougar and his wife Mabel. But even with Mabel watching her when Pete was off flying, it was always Pete and Penny. Even with Goose, Carole, and Baby Goose, it would always be Penny and Pete. It would always be Penny and Pete. "Only my brother calls me Penelope or Penny and I call him Peter. My friends call me Penny."

Who the hell were these guys?

She wondered what they knew about Pete's condition. Merlin knew but did they know too? He didn't tell her but bought her a one-way ticket to San Diego. She had packed up all of her and Pete's stuff and took them on the plane. The apartment that Pete rented would be sold and Cougar reassured the teenager as she left the Bay for SoCal that he would let Maverick know the details of it.

Penny looked at the two adults. They were old, especially the one with the mustache. Yet they easily called her Penny as if he had known her for ages. "Well, my friends call me Viper. and his friends call him Jester."

"Is it because of some bad pranks?" That had made Viper let out a bark of laughter and Jester chuckled. The drive would be short apparently but Penny was used to it, she was more anxious to see her brother.

"No. Bad jokes. Terrible ones."

"You said you liked my jokes, Mike." 

Mike quipped with a grin, "I like you. Not your jokes, Ricky."

Penny could only watch as they laughed with one another driving to wherever they were going in San Diego. She thought back to her brother - how much Catholic guilt ate at him for his likes of men and women. Pete would deny that he had come to terms with it, perhaps he did but Penny wouldn't know. All the girlfriends that her brother had had barely lasted. She should be grateful about that but it made her worry even more for him. She would always worry.

Seeing this made Penny feel hopeful for Pete but at the same time made her wonder more about why her brother sent these two instead of coming to pick her up or sending Merlin. The anxiety that she thought had calmed down when she landed came back to the surface as the drive continued.

So many questions but no answers it was slowly driving her insane. She wanted to ask them but was not sure if Viper and Jester would answer her questions. Maybe it was best to ask Merlin when she got to the hospital.

They asked her some questions about herself, trying to get to know her but also cutting the silence in the car. She answered but it was obviously distractedly by the time they got the hospital there were no more attempts at questions by Viper and Jester. Penny practically jumped out the car once they parked and with Viper and Jester hot on her heels, the youngest Mitchell ventured into the hospital bracing herself for the worst possible outcome.

He made me a promise and he can't break it now. He can't! Fear and anxiety began to devour her as she was led by Viper to the hallway where Maverick's room was. It was inside when she burst through the door that she briefly noticed Merlin before she saw Maverick, then glanced at his bandaged wrists. Her brother gave her what he thought was a charming smile to reassure her. It came out looking it he was trying not to grind his teeth. Penny was usually good at seeing through Pete's charming bullshit. This was one of those days.

"What happened?" Penny cried out as she all but ran to his side, sat besides him and started poking him and grabbing his face. She saw the guilt on his face and the way he averted his eyes to not look at her. "Pete... what happened?"

They explained it to her gently. She almost wanted to shake her head and tell them no. But the truth was there, as horrible and saddening as it was. "You- you hurt yourself? Why?"

"I don't have the answer to that right now, Pen." She didn't force him to say something. Instead the younger sibling just curled up laying her head on his chest. She was exhausted from the flight and emotionally exhausted from the avalanche of information given to her now. She did not however catch her brother apologizing to her, trying his hardest not to cry. "I'm sorry, Penny."

All Viper could see was two kids clinging to one another and it made him even more determined to have at least Penny stay in San Diego while Pete was here teaching at Top Gun. He failed them once after their parents died, he would not fail them again not after the close-call with Pete.

Never again.

Unbeknown to the group, someone had overheard the details and was now adding things up as they walked away from the room.

Chapter 2: A Naval Pilot Walks Into a Therapist Office...

Summary:

The class of 86 meets Maverick's little sister and wants more answers that are blocked by a stubborn, infuriating, and protective Merlin. Viper talks with Maverick and Penny.

Maverick begins therapy and unpacks somethings.

Notes:

Thank you for the lovely comments and kudos, glad you guys are liking it.

I did spot an error on my part in the first chapter about Maverick's mother's name. I changed it to Diane officially instead of Lorna which had been the name in one of the paragraphs in the first chapter. I also was not planning on writing Mav going to therapy until chapter three but I decided to keep it in this chapter instead.

They were confused over a teenage girl reading to a sleeping Maverick. Iceman narrowed his eyes at her. Slider nudged him with his elbow to stop staring. The others looked at them. Merlin entered the room and did a double take at seeing his squadron standing in silence.

"Hey guys," Merlin looked at them before turning to Penny. "Got you a sandwich, Penny - no wait your brother wanted a sandwich. You wanted Mac and Cheese. Here you go and yes here is a soda. I also got some cookies to snack on.”

Penny thanked him.

Merlin took charge and made the introductions noting the surprise on the rest of the guy's faces at meeting Mav’s younger sister. A sister that none of them had known. But apparently, she knew a bit about them because of course the letters that Maverick discreetly wrote were to his little sister. Tom could say that Maverick and his sister could pass as twins. They looked like one another from the dark hair to the nose, smiles, and eyes. But where Maverick was a brunette, Penelope had a darker coloring closer to black than dark brown hair.

She also asked sharp questions as if the other guys were all under investigation that they were unaware of.

"You guys Peter's classmates from Top Gun?" This was probably the first time they all heard someone call Maverick by his full name and not the nickname or his call sign.

Chipper spoke up. "We are. You Mav's sister? Didn't know he had siblings." None of them did.

"I'm his only sister, well younger sister. Peter and Carole like to joke that they're soul-twins." The mention of Goose's widow made them all look sad. Penny had a bit of a faraway look in her eyes before she blinked it away. "I'm Penelope Mitchell but my friends call me Penny. Any other nickname that you hear my brother calls me, he only gets to call me that and Merlin... and maybe Cougar if I feel like letting him get away with it."

”Nice to meet you, Penelope.” 

They then turned their attention back to Maverick and Merlin. The shorter pilot was sleeping unaware of his guests while Merlin was busying himself handing the plastic takeout bowl of Mac n cheese to Penny.

Sheets rustled around indicating that Maverick was now waking up. Blinking slowly he first looked at his friends before focusing on his sister. "Food?"

"Yep," Penny laughed. "Merlin brought you lunch instead of torturing you with the hospital food."

"Thank god," Maverick sighed and sat himself up before Penny scolded him and had the hospital bed at an incline to support Maverick in a sitting position. He tried hiding his wrist but they noticed.

"What happened to your arms?!" It was Hollywood who asked Maverick, alarm evident in his voice and face. The others zeroed in quickly. Heat began to rise in Maverick's face. 

"Nothing serious-" Merlin said as he noticed the look beginning to form in Maverick's eyes. Panicked, almost ready to rip the IV tubes from his arms and jump out of the hospitable bed. Merlin had to keep that from happening or else Viper would probably kill him. "Just some bruising and scrapes." Maverick nodded, agreeing with the lie.

Ice didn't seem to buy it, his blue-grayish eyes narrowing at the duo. Penny had hidden her face back behind her book while eating her Mac and Cheese.

Sam and Pete’s faces were out in the open sticking to this lie together. They took it albeit begrudgingly. The duo could tell that the rest of the men were not happy about the lack of information and slightly annoyed by Merlin’s attempts to block their answers. They all saw the sheer look of panic on the shorter man’s face when Hollywood asked them. Ice felt that something was going on that they weren't being told. He knew who to ask.

The others followed him down the hall to the reception. Ice chatted with the nurse and after a few minutes, she pointed them in the other direction. They continued to follow Ice out the door to the parking lot where Ice went up to an auburn young woman who waved at him.

"Tommy," She hugged him and then hugged Slider, greeting him with equal joy. She looked at the other four men. "You guys must be my brother's classmates."

Hollywood gave Tom a look. "You and your wingman have been hiding siblings from us, or something?"

Iceman rolled his eyes at the blonde. "You guys never asked. Gentlemen meet my little sister Sarah Kazansky, she's an intern nurse here at the Naval Hospital thanks to our Uncle."

"You make me sound like a cushy rich kid, Tommy." Sarah rolled her eyes at her big brother. "So I don't think you came here to greet me in the parking lot of my job."

"No. Sarah I - we want to know about a patient. Lieutenant Peter Mitchell? He was flown in a few days ago from the USS Layton and we just want to know what the diagnosis is."

He could see his sister glance at them all before nervously biting her bottom lip. Tom offered a solution. “We can guess so you don’t violate HIPPA.”

”Tommy,” she said slightly irritated.

”D-did he hurt himself? Deliberately?” 

Sarah gave him a look of pity. Tom felt a sense of dread before his sister could say anything. He almost wanted to deny it yet the look that Maverick had and the way Merlín had been acting it was slowly beginning to make sense. The others looked and must have had the same expression that Ice had. Sarah gave them a sad smile.

”With you guys as friends, Maverick will be alright. He’ll be out by tomorrow but he’ll need all the support. Just let him take one day at a time, that’s what I told him and that’s what I’m telling the rest of you. Got it?” 

---

Viper poured over the books he had bought the other day. He had bought it after Merlin had told him the diagnosis of Peter. Depression with PTSD. He had told Jester but didn't speak about it after.

He turned to another person who could be of help - Vice Admiral Kazansky, the only other member of their squadron to make it out alive after Vietnam. The phone rang twice before the other line picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hawk, it's me."

"Mikey! God, how's the new classes or is it hiatus right now for you teachers?" Admiral Victor "Hawkeye" Kazansky teased. The man was a few years older than Mike and Duke with the latter being the youngest of their little trio. "Don't tell me Tommy has been causing some ruckus? I can get my wife on the phone and have him straightened out."

"No, no. Your godson has been a wonderful teacher although he's been distracted since he got back. I can't blame him."

Mike could practically see the frown on Vic's face. "What do you mean? What's going on, man?"

"It's Duke's kid. He-god, Vic. I failed them. He tried hurting himself on the USS Layton." Viper's voice cracked and trembled as he recounted what happened to Victor. The other line was silent as Hawkeye processed everything that happened. "The doctor diagnosed him with PTSD and Depression. He wants the kid to see a therapist to deal with what happened over the death of his RIO."

"You feeling guilty is human, Mike. But there were obstacles from the get-go starting with Duke's bitch siblings, especially his older sister and younger sister. They only wanted the kids because of the inheritance Duke had gotten from his mother. Do you remember how much Duke was stressed over the fact that his stepmother and those fake ass siblings of his thought they deserved half of that money? How was he upset over his dad having no balls to stand up or even put a foot down over this? I'm glad I talked him and Diane to make sure their will was iron-clad, that it belonged to those kids and kids only."

They both sighed feeling the weight of a ghost and responsibility settle on them once again. "How are they doing?"

Mike cleared his throat. "Good for the most part. I have Pete's RIO and Penelope staying with me. Pete will be staying as well once he's let out of the hospital tomorrow."

"He's a good kid. He's Duke and Diane's kid through and through. No doubt Penelope is the same as well. I'll see if I can drive over to help out. I'm worried about you Mike just as much as you worried about Pete."

"You are a worrywart, Vic."

"It's what I'm good at, Viper." He laughed. "Tell the kid I say hi. I missed him when he was stationed in Monterrey."

"I'll let him know, Hawk." Viper smiled. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Whiskers."

Viper rolled his eyes. "You have a 'stache too, asshole."

"Yeah, but mine's better looking." Viper snorted. "Say hi to Jester for me."

"Bye Hawk."

"Bye Viper."

After hanging up Viper was left with his thoughts and guilt. What-ifs ran in his mind a mile a minute that wasn't leaving anytime soon.

 

The next day he went to help Sam with getting Pete home from the hospital. The bandages on his arms were signs of an upheaval battle that Pete had to fight but he wouldn't do it alone. Not if Viper had anything to say or Penny or Merlin.

Right off the bat Merlin had made it clear he'd sleep in the room adjoining that of Pete's. The only thing that separated it was the shared bathroom. Penny had her own room across from the two boys and down the hall was Mike's room. When Penny had first arrived she noticed the photos of her parents, more importantly, her father. She didn't say anything just stared at it before asking where her room was. Mike didn't blame her.

Merlin had gotten Pete's stuff and had it stored in the rather lonely-looking room but hadn't unpacked it. When they finally arrived, Viper overheard Sam ask Pete if they wanted to decorate the room a bit and make it less gloomy. There was Pete's muffled response but Mike knew he agreed with the way boxes were being opened and footsteps moving around the room. He went to the kitchen to fix the trio some lemonades. He could still hear some chatter from Penny who seemed to have entered the room upstairs. Mike made his way up with a tray of drinks and some cookies when he paused close to the door but enough to hide himself.

"He's our godfather," Penny said aloud to no one in particular. Just stating a fact.

"He is," Pete said.

Mike could hear the teenager huff in response. "Why show his face now? Why not when we were with the Wicked Witch of The Bay?"

"Penelope," came a tired response from Maverick, unyielding and frustrated just as his younger sister sounded. "Will you shut it! If he hears you-" But went quiet when Viper appeared at the doorway.

He calmly placed the tray on the nightstand and picked up a glass. He sipped on his drink before telling the little group, "Wicked Witch of The Bay. Your mom just called her a plain bitch."

Merlin choked on air while both Mitchell siblings looked slightly embarrassed. "Your old man... he never liked his family. He was always trying to get them away from him, more so after Pete was born. Your parents hated them. Hated your grandparents, I think your grandma, I mean step-grandmother did something to Pete a few months after he had been born that had your Dad raging mad. It had to take me and Hawk from throwing something at his parents. His sisters... well, enough said."

Mike sighed and gave them a sad smile. "I get your frustrations. I do. Believe me when I tell you I tried to get you both to live with me but... your Aunts were vindictive women who only saw you both as dollar signs. Your Dad's mom, Penny's namesake, she came from a well-off family. After your grandma passed and your grandpa remarried, Duke found out by a letter when he was sixteen that all of his mother's wealth had been given solely to him. No one else. Your grandpa did not fight it, he respected her wishes. The Other Wife... not so much and neither did the Wicked Witches. Long story short, they knew I wasn't a well-off guardian even though it was written down. They disregarded your parent's wishes because of who I am."

Penny gasped. "I knew you were gay!"

"Penelope Oona Brigid Mitchell! Apologize!" Pete scolded even though he had a similar theory about who Viper was with during those last few days at Top Gun after Hop 31.

Mike waved it away. "Don't worry about it. Rick and I weren't hiding it that much." He chuckled at the sheepish look on Penny's face. "I understand your frustration. I want to clarify that I have cared about you both since the day you were born. I want to start over. Get to know you both as any godfather should do, as I should have done a long time ago. And you too Merlin, don't think you'll be ignored."

That earned him a few chuckles from the trio. Penny was hesitant before she agreed to the deal, same with Maverick and Merlin. The taller RIO nudged his short companion with his shoulder and Maverick rolled his eyes even with a smile on his face. Like they were sharing a secret that only they knew and whatever it was Merlin was slightly smug about it. It made Viper grateful that Maverick had a RIO to trust and to be, well, himself around. He knew that Goose would continue to haunt, even linger over all his students most of all on Maverick but he also knew that Maverick needed to heal. If Merlin was that RIO to help Maverick begin to heal, so be it. Viper just prayed to the lord above that Maverick wasn't so stubborn and let them help. So far, it's going well.

So far.

After that breath of starting over, Penelope seemed to ask a million questions a mile a minute at Viper. Her older brother scolded her but Mike told him that it was alright. He wanted both of his godkids to be able to come to him, to ask questions even if it was about their parents, something Penny was eager to ask. Especially about her late father, the one parent she hadn't known or met at all. Diane had died when Penny had been four and Pete had been twelve.

Cancer had taken her from them and Viper should have been the one to bring the kids back here. Instead, Duke's half-sister and stepsisters had taken that away from him and the children. So, Viper would make sure to keep an eye on them now. To give them a better life even though it felt a bit too late.

"When did Mom and Dad meet?" Penny asked one afternoon as they waited for Pete to get out of a therapy session. Mike looked at Penny who sat content in the passenger seat snacking on some chips with hot sauce that a store had been selling close to the house. Penny had gotten a few bags for the boys and some sodas. She offered the bag of chips to Mike and he took some snacking away alongside the teen.

"God, I think it was around 1958? If I remember correctly your mom was visiting from Ireland since her Dad was one of the new ambassadors of Ireland and only knew Hawkeye's wife, Brigitta introduced her to your Dad. The rest was history."

"Petey told me that Mom was from Ireland. From Darry?"

"Derry, Ireland." Viper corrected gently. "Mrs. Brigitta Kazansky neé Ranstrom was from Stolckhom in Sweden. Anyway, she was so happy about them hitting it off. Never seen your Dad so lovestruck it was hilarious." There were hints of wistfulness from Viper that Penny picked up on. "A year later they got married here. I think I have a clip of a newspaper where it was printed talking about it. Your Dad found it funny enough that he bought a few newspapers, cut the piece about the wedding, and mailed it to both me and Kazansky."

"Uncle Vic, right?"

"Yep, he might be coming down for a few days with Brigitta to visit. I told them about Pete's situation and just wanted to check in." Penny didn't say anything. She was quiet. "How have you been with everything?"

"Fine, I think." She gave him a reassuring smile. "It's been a lot but I've been worried about Pete. I'll always worry about him, up in the air. Probably until he retires. He knows how I feel about it, and understands. I'll always worry about him like he worries about me. So, I'm doing okay with everything. I think it could be a fresh start even though some Naval brats will know or think they know about my Dad. It won't be the last time we hear some comments. Our aunts certainly told us enough to last us both a lifetime."

"If they start saying anything at school, you let me know. I have a bit of influence racked up over the years to pull some weight around," Viper told her. "Even if I'm just a Commander."

"Are you close to being Captain?"

"Close," He said. There had yet to be any word on his future promotion from Commander to Captain. "Hopefully soon."

"Hopefully," Penny echoed the sentiment. She looked at the watch on her wrist. "How long does it take for him to get out of an office? He's probably flirting with a front desk lady."

Doubtful, Viper thought to himself. He still remembered the way Maverick acted around Iceman, even in the hospital room. He had high doubts that Pete was flirting with anyone when he kept grinning and giving Iceman those eyes that gave Viper flashbacks of Duke giving Diane those types of eyes and expressions long ago.

---

The appointment was at 10:30 am sharp.

The room felt too sterile, too normal for Pete's taste. There were a few toys on the corner table and a rack of old worn-down paperback books and magazines of different tastes. From People Magazine, Time Magazine, Vanity Fair, Country Living, and Reader's Digest all around the little rack. He picked one up and skimmed through it. It was a People Magazine edition with Pierce Brosnan on the cover.

"Peter Mitchell?" He looked up to see a man call his name. He looked to be about Viper's age, maybe a year or two younger as Pete greeted the doctor and was led down the hall to his office. "Nice to meet you. I'm BJ McGarry."

"Hi," was all Pete said as they stopped in front of the closed office door. The doctor opened the door and gestured for Pete to go in. He did.

It was vastly different from the waiting room. More color, knick-nacks, and well more alive. He sat down on a couch that felt too soft for him as the doctor sat across in a chair made of suede from the looks of it, and a desk with a fresh notepad waiting to be written.

Briefly, he wondered what the others were doing. Merlin had gone to hunt around the bookstores in San Diego promising Maverick to bring him back a book or two. The others, his classmates were probably halfway around the world separated from him. Ice and Slider were probably on another ship, same with Hollywood and Wolfman, Chipper, and Sundown as well. All of them were on different boats in different oceans and he was stuck here because he was weak.

You've always been and always will be. Look at what happened with Goose. Look at what you did to yourself and you couldn't even go through with it.

"So, Pete." The therapist was around his height with a grandfatherly or fatherly smile, at ease. "Can I call you Pete or do you prefer a nickname?"

"Maverick," He said. "Are you a civvie doctor?"

Dr. McGarry smiled. "Sort of. I'm a more expert therapist for on-duty and off-duty Navy Seamen or in your case, naval pilots."

"Have you served?" If this guy tried to understand anything he'd done or lived through, Pete was walking out.

"I have. Vietnam War until I went back and switched career paths to be a psychologist obviously through the Navy. Bounced back and forth between Navy and Air Force."

He relaxed a bit. "The doctor told me about what happened but I want you to tell me. You don't have to tell me now but how about we start with today or this week or month."

"What do you mean, Doc?"

"Let me rephrase it. How do you feel or are feeling today or the past week since you left the USS Layton and the attempt? Just baby steps, Maverick."

He shifted, unsure of where to start.

Pete began to bounce his right leg up and down in a quick motion. "I-I felt tired. It wasn't like an adrenaline crash, that I do know how I could feel. It was different, I felt it since maybe before Goose died. I always kept pushing it down, I had to."

"Why did you have to?"

"Because I had to. I-I had to be here for Penny. My little sister. I couldn't let her see me like this I had to shove it down."

"Until it exploded." McGarry pointed out to him. "Did you feel it? The depression after your RIO passed or after the mission?"

"Sort of. I felt grief and guilt. That's what I felt after I landed the plane on the Layton, guilt. I hated myself for celebrating. It was my fault that he wasn't here and that it should have been me. I got him killed, so why did it have to be him and not me? Why do I deserve to live, twice? For what?"

"Maverick," The man's voice was patient and soft. His glasses were on and the notepad was on his lap, a page already written and flipped over as a new one was being written out. He's going to have me committed. The nasal voice of his Aunt Erin made its way into his head, Your father didn't cry, and neither should you. Men don't cry only babies like your sister! Do grow up, it's best for all of us if you do! "Tell me more about your childhood. When you experienced these bouts of sadness did you try to talk with anyone?"

That made him laugh. He openly laughed even though somewhere deep inside felt raw and made him want to cry. Instead, he laughed. "We don't talk about depression or PTSD or anything relatively close to mental shit. If I had, my Aunts would have gladly committed my ass to a mental facility or hospital. On top of that, I grew up Catholic so mental stuff is also a big no-no."

"Roman Catholic?"

"Yeah. Are you Catholic, Doc?"

"I am," The Doctor pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Baptized and all."

"What's your Confirmation name?"

"Saint Luke."

"The patron of doctors and surgeons. Fitting, Doc."

"What about yours, Maverick."

"At first I was going to pick Saint Joseph of Cupertino or Saint Brendan the Navigator, they are the patron saints of pilots and the US Navy saint respectively," Maverick said. "I went with Saint Dominic Sovio."

"The saintly patron of the falsely accused." He scribbled it down. "Has your sister done confirmation yet?"

"Yeah. She picked Saint Dymphna. Not sure what her patron was, she got Merlin to sponsor her."

"Merlin?"

"Oh, my RIO. Sam Wells. He's a fellow Catholic so he understood the plight of going through the horrors of confirmation."

It was McGarry's turn to laugh. "Oh, yeah. I remember those horrors of confirmation too. I'm not too familiar with Saint Dymphna, maybe you can look into it and let me know the next time we meet." Pete nodded. He'll have to ask Penny. "Going back with your choice of saints. Why Saint Dominic?"

"You know why. You read my file, you probably heard of my Dad. Of Duke Mitchell."

"I have," Responded the therapist. "But I want to hear it from you, Maverick."

Fine. "He's innocent. No matter who covered it up and began to spout that bullshit, he's been innocent. It wasn't discussed at home, not after my mom died anyway. All of my aunts and their cousins thought he was a traitor. I never believed it but it was hard. It was hard growing up in that house with my Aunt Erin and Aunt Nancy who always belittled me, and told me I was delusional like my mother who believed my Dad was innocent of the crimes he had been given after he died. So I picked Saint Dominic, it was my little rebellion against my Dad's side of the family. They always hated me. Hate me and my sister because all they wanted was our inheritance that we got after our Dad passed. Add my mom's inheritance and it came out to a hefty sum. So yeah, I picked Saint Dominic because deep down I know my dad would have never betrayed his country not even for a fucked up war like Vietnam."

The doctor nodded. He was on his fourth page now. "Are you having feelings of hurting yourself since you left the hospital?" It was blunt and to the point that it almost made Maverick flinch. He shook his head. Another scribbling, another page written. "Tell what you felt when you tried to hurt yourself. What did you use?"

"I used a razor that I found in the bathroom. I just felt like my body was on autopilot. It felt like I was drowning and I couldn't seem to get myself up, ya'know? I just needed to release it. To release it."

"Release what? Pain? Guilt?"

"All of it!" Maverick didn't mean to shout but he did. "I shouldn't have survived it. I-I don't know why."

"For someone who has experienced this type of trauma, it's normal to feel this way. To feel this certain type of guilt. It was not your fault, Maverick. I read the file. It was an accident and none on either your or the other pilot's shoulders. Neither of you could have seen it coming at all. Neither could Lieutenant Bradshaw."

Maverick shook his head, his throat was tight unable for him to talk with so much emotion behind it. 

"Take your time, Maverick."

"But it is my fault. And I deserved it." He looked down at his still bandaged wrists. He still hadn't been able to take them off. Now he wanted to rip them off, to get it over with and look at the damage he had inflicted on himself. "

The doctor glanced at the clock and then closed the notepad placing it on the table along with his pen. Maverick glanced at the clock on the wall. The session was over.

"I see your doctor has prescribed you the SSRIS type of medication, that's good. When you come back next week we can talk about how it is going with it, okay? If you do feel like your depression is making you feel drowning or on autopilot as you said I want you to do a few things to combat it."

"Like what?"

"Talk to someone."

"I thought seeing you was the reason?" Maverick joked.

Again, the doctor smiled at him. "Yeah, but when you can't reach me I want you to talk to friends or family. An Uncle, a RIO, or someone that you trust. I also want you to get in the habit of doing a hobby like reading or something that helps distract yourself from the depression. A good book usually does the trick or maybe a good movie." Maverick nodded understanding what he was saying. "I'll see you next week. Same time?"

"Same time unless I need to change it then I'll call." They got up from their seats. Maverick walked over to the door as McGarry was leading him out.

"Sounds good to me," He stuck out his hand and Maverick took it, shaking it. "Nice to meet you once again Lieutenant."

"Likewise, Doctor. See you next week, bye."

"Bye."

When he walked out to door he felt raw, exhausted emotionally from what was slightly unpacked from the first session. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and lay there for the rest of the day. 

Viper and Penny picked him up. Penny began to talk about the store they had ventured into before picking him up as she waved the spicy-doused chips at him. He snatched the big bag thanking his little sister. He noticed Viper give him a glance in the rearview mirror as he drove them away.

"How was the session?"

"It was... good." Maverick told him, honestly. "I just feel tired."

"Well, dinner should be done soon. Take a nap on the couch and by the time you wake up it should be done, okay?"

That's what he did, going to his room to change out of his jeans to grey sweats and headed downstairs to the living room and took a nap on the couch. He could hear Penny talk with Viper but it was too far away for Maverick to pick up on what exactly they were talking about.

Emotional exhaustion took over his body and sleep came quickly.

There were no dreams. Which to Maverick, that was good enough for him.

Notes:

Also if you haven't already clocked it, Mav and Penny grew up Catholic and I made them Catholic Irish and for the hell of it I made Merlin catholic too. Why not! Also, I had a fun time looking up the Saints and the different patrons of those saints. I felt like I was back during my confirmation classes when I had to scramble to find a saint's name. My saint's name is Dymphna from Saint Dymphna, the patron saint of mental illness.

Maverick's therapist's name comes from West Wing (Leo McGarry) and M*A*S*H (BJ Hunnicutt) and I have him in my head as a young Michael Douglas.

Their full names in this fic as follows:

-Peter Leo Cillian Mitchell

-Penelope Oona Brigid Mitchell

-Samuel Declan Lawrence Wells