Chapter Text
There has always been a myth believed by the Justice League (except Shazam), that they know Batman is sleeping with someone among them but they just don't know who that is, yet. They don't just outright ask, of course, they are adults in a working environment, they are professionals and they are all scared of the Bat knowing about their gossip. So of course, they exchange intels, they make accusations under their breath and they make a secret bet pool that has too many layers of cyber protection to prevent Batman from ever finding out. Of course, the price starts so simple, three months of monitor duty and one simple favor from any of them. Looking back, this was their mistake for they have possibly invited a traitor into their ranks, one capable of lying through their teeth to get what he or she wants.
The first word on the grapevine was from Hal, of course, it was him, he wouldn't miss out on any opportunity to undermine Batman's authority.
"Why are you so cranky, Spooky? Someone doesn't suck your dick hard enough last night?" The Green Lantern blurted out in the middle of the meeting, which gained everyone's look of pure terror.
"Keep your mouth in line, Lantern." The Batman growled, eyes filled with pure murder intent. Still, Hal didn't back down, the classic greatest will of the galaxy.
"So that's what it is? You didn't ejaculate enough and it's my fault so you're torturing me about it now?" He laughed, the fearless motherfucker laughed at the face of the Devil (figuratively), "Not even bother to deny it, huh, Spooky?"
The devilish words, the audacity, the fucking laughter that rumbled the meeting room, Hal fucking Jordan struck a nerve that day and everyone could feel the temperature of the room drop by 10 degrees Celsius. The rest was history, they kept yelling, shouting at each other, being at each other's throats for God knew how long about something trivial none of the League members could remember anymore.
But Hal was right, Batman didn't deny it and from Superman's semi-confirmation about how Batman's heart raced, It was indeed sexual frustration. That particular term, "sexual frustration" is so funny when you put it on someone like Batman.
That's how they got their first piece of evidence, Batman was having regular sexual intercourse with someone. But no one really cared much at that moment, everyone had sex, what's the special thing about it?
It was not until a few months later that they discovered it was someone among them.
It was after a particularly hard mission, everyone was dead tired as they rendezvous at the Watchtower, battered and beaten all the same and too many of the heroes just decided to stay at the Watchtower for the night. There was a problem, though, which was the infamous porno sex pollen. To be more specific, their mission was to rescue a group of astronauts being kidnapped by aliens to become their mates, the JL intervened just in time but the porno plot meant, of course, there had to be sex pollen being shot at them left and right. Luckily most of them were not affected, except Batman. The sex pollen, according to Green Lantern, the alien expert, was not life-threateningly dangerous, Batman just needed a quick fuck and go. Many on the League did not mind giving a helping hand but being stubborn as the man was, he locked himself in his own quarter and wanted to wait it out, as in, beat his meat til it fell off for the whole night.
His reaction was honestly expected, so no one else said anything more, and went to rest.
It was when they made a mistake, no one was in their right mind so no one could catch on to what happened after that, which was someone dropped by Batman's quarter in the dead of the night just to get their brain fucked stupid by Batman and left before the sun rose.
Yes, Batman got a helping hand, or hole, that night and none of them was aware until months later when the topic of said "sex pollen" got brought up again. It turned out, the sex pollen was not life-threatening but if you don't ejaculate in someone else, with the intention of reproduction, it would give you erectile dysfunction.
"Uhhhh, is- is your- your- uh is your dick okay?" Flash stuttered as he heard the new piece of info from John Stewart. Everyone was looking at Batman with shock and pity, too much pity for one to bear in a lifetime. Fortunately, Hal Jordan wasn't there or he would be laughing his ass off tweeting "Batdick is out of commission" from outer space.
According to Diana, if there was anything the male population cared more about than life and death, it was definitely their dignity regarding their little friend down there, or, to quote Diana herself, "the true brain of a man". Batman was no better than a normal man when his sexual ability was doubted.
"It's working just fine, there's nothing wrong with it, at all." Batman gritted his teeth, which was just seen as overcompensation by other Leaguers.
John Stewart was driven by guilt because of course Hal Jordan wouldn't mention this to Batman, it's probably the GL corp's responsibility that one of Earth's finest heroes wouldn't be able to reproduce so he stepped out and offered.
"Batman, the symptom is fairly easy to fix with AO's technology. We, Green Lanterns can help you, it just takes around 2 days-"
To which Batman crudely shut down.
"There's nothing wrong with my functions, John, there have never been any issues with it so, curb your offer."
"Really, Batman, there's nothing to be ashamed about! You probably want to fix it yourself but there's no need to lie-"
"As I have stated," Batman was seething, everyone could see it. "I am incredibly confident that I have no issues in that department, Green Lantern, and I don't need to lie either, I knew how the pollen worked and I fucked someone to get rid of it. So, curb.your.offer and put your enthusiasm somewhere useful."
Batman left the room immediately after that, to avoid further questions, one can assume because that statement fucking blew up. Batman was fucking someone among them. Accusations were thrown around, and relationships had suffered, but none admitted to sleeping with Batman. How could anyone? Whoever slept with Batman was probably ordered to keep it a secret by Batman himself so of course asking wouldn't get any results. Suddenly, someone mentioned.
"Do you think, whoever it was, they were already fucking regularly before the incident?" Cyborg said, and yes, the gossip got so bad even Cyborg joined. "Think about it, Batman would never sleep with anyone who just waltzs in randomly, he must definitely have some 'designated sex relief partner' ready beforehand."
"Fuck, that sounded like Batman," Dinah exclaimed. " Also, he refused any help and locked himself up in his quarter because he didn't really need any help, he already made arrangements with someone among us and he was only waiting for his partner to arrive."
"Bonus, Batman said he's confident his dick has been working fine? Well, guess what, I heard from the grapevine that Mr. Wayne has not taken in any bed partners for quite a long time. I have always assumed he's just too busy being Batman, though, but-" Oliver giggled
next to his wife, adding to the rumors. It was true, though, and according to known resources (tabloids and frankly, Batman's famous list of ex-partners which consists of so, so many female rogues who are always open to bragging about the man's ability in bed), that man's libido is off the chart, even for meta-human.
God forbids, even as Brucie Wayne or Batman, The Dark Knight just can't escape gossip about his sex life.
So all the Leaguers, except for Shazam who's left out of the conversation completely, came to the same conclusion that, indeed, Batman has been having a sex partner among their ranks. Thus, a bet was born on a faithful day, with 3 months' worth of monitor duty and one small favor from each member of the Justice League as the prize for anyone who can successfully unmask the harlot of the Gotham knight, along with a pool.
Even the other non-JL heroes and the rogues got in on the bet too.
So, the biggest spot in the bed pool, currently is tied between Superman and Wonder Woman, basic, popular choices, of course. The holy trinity is so famous the choice of both Superman and Wonder Woman comes close in third, one may say the power throuple is everyone's daydream.
"Honestly it just felt right, Batman would trust those two with his life anyway so why not with his dick, too?" is the common reasoning behind the choice.
"My childhood dream is Batman doing the right thing for one and making Wonder Woman my stepmother. Not the blue alien, ew." An unknown source claims, possibly Red Hood, "Also, if you're reading this, B, if you make WonderBat happen, I would forgive everything, and I mean everything in existence, and come home for Christmas. Chop chop, old man!"
"I'm just saying, what's better than getting sandwiched by Eath's finest? It's getting trained by Earth's Holy Trinity." Is a particularly popular opinion, endorsed by many.
These claims and opinions wiggle their way to the Wonder Woman and Man of Steel themselves but never get commented on whatsoever out of respect for the game. The Man of Steel is bashful about it still to the point of refusing to participate any further in the game while Diana Prince herself is amused. Must be the Greek blood, or more specifically, Zeus’s blood.
Of course, the fourth choice was Zatanna, not surprising since the magician has a whole world tour and has been a trusted friend of Batman and the Bat-family for many years. An old incident even proved that if both Superman and Wonder Woman are compromised, Zatanna will be Batman's next choice of ally. She’s not only popular among men and women alike but it seems like she’s also the popular choice of lover for Batman.
"Yo, childhood friend? Opposite attracts? Sexual tension? Need I say more?"
"I would give 100$ and one bite out of my ass just for B to settle down with a nice, decent hero, his streak with villains needs to stop!" NotWing says.
“I don’t care who wins this bet, I want to bite Notwing’s ass so Z’d better win, go, girl, represent the magic community.”
The fifth choice is funnily, a threesome of Batman, Green Arrow, and Black Canary, which makes the married couple laugh their ass off anytime they see their name. Any heroes in the close circle would know it's not those two. Had it been true, Oliver specifically would not shut up about it to anyone, anytime, for any reason, at all. However, according to other heroes and rogues, those three make a hot throuple, more niche than WonderSuperBat, but still hot nonetheless. The pick was purely blonde and marriage fetish, to Oliver's amusement.
"Everyone knows Batman likes brunettes, but blondies are much much more superior! Also, I like GA, he's funnyAFf, not like good ol' boring Bat over there. #TeamGA" NotSpoilers expresses her opinion.
"Honestly, two negative makes a positive, so two blonds make a whole brunette, amiright?"
“Oh to be billionaires, having freak parties with each other.”
The rest of the chart varies daily, even hourly, some wild choices have been thrown on the table like Martian Manhunter, even.
"He can shapeshift! That's like everyone else on this chart, combined into one! I don't even know how you guys are disagreeing with me, are you afraid of success?" A Martian Manhunter supporter says as he is jumped by everyone else because "MM is too good for being fuckbuddies with an emo furry".
Somewhere, but never out of the top 8, Aquaman is charted too but the King of Atlantis states multiple times that he is in a committed relationship with his Queen, Mera and he is not comfortable with being on the list. His wish, despite being respected by many honorable heroes, always gets thrown out the window every time he makes an appearance on the news because "he's too hot, please, Atlantis people please share your riches with us, just ONCE".
The myth of Batman’s secret bed companion has been stable entertainment for the hero community and the villain community alike. Every event contributes to the chart, even a simple glance lasting more than 1 second from Batman can rock up the chart for days. Some even debated whether they should put villains on the chart but got denied strongly because, 1, there would be too many candidates, and 2, The Watchtower is a sacred haven for heroes so adding villains to the chart is indirectly spitting on their faces. (No p*ssy can be that good, one commented)
For half a year, relationships suffer, petty fights break out, and some outright cause harm just to get back at someone over their opinion on Batman's bed companions. But for once, among all of them, good and bad and in between, ever since the Dawn of Heroes, harmony is achieved in an unconventional way, out of solidarity to keep the lid shut and out of sheer fear of Batman. The line was crossed several moons ago and the guillotine is hanging above their head, the only way out is to unionize until the secret gets out somehow, unrelated to them, whatsoever.
One day, someone mentions.
"Why don't I see Hal on the chart?" He's conventionally attractive for humans, is a founding member of the JL, he interacts with Batman regularly, also. It would make sense to have him on the chart, isn't it?
"Hal would cut his dick off before ever thinking about putting it anywhere near Batman," To which the Flash replies.
"Same to the Bat, pfft, I think he would prefer punching Darkseid than cumming inside Hal," Another adds.
"Also he has been away for 6 months, we kinda forgot about him. John, can you tell me when he's gonna be back? I want to hear Hal's opinion on this, badly!"
"I think he would be back, soon. Also, Flash, if I see you trying to put my name on the chart ever again, I, will, break, your, ankle."
"You're no fun!" The Flash laughs. Everyone, except for Aquaman and Shazam, obviously, wants to appear on the chart in some way or another just for shit and giggles, even the Flash himself is never out of the top 8 of potential Batfuckbuddy. He's weirded out at first, but now? Barry takes pride in it. A pact has been made among the Leaguers, if the culprit refuses to come out, none of the suspected bed companions, despite being innocent themselves, will deny anything, either. It's just more fun that way, an exciting game of investigation, speculations, and accusations. Even the more nonchalant members like Red Tornado and Martian Manhunter agree on the silent pact, out of coercion, of course.
But the Bat has been so discreet, that no more revelation can be made on the matter and everyone is getting impatient. Maybe the culprit is refraining from making any booty calls? They know of the chart and they want it to die off before getting any more batdick? Nobody trusts nobody and a standoff has been made in the Watchtower dwellers for the past month. It's scary. Some single lad went to a bar for a casual hook up and suddenly, every Leaguer appeared in the same fucking bar in under 5 minutes asking to see whoever their casual fling was like it was a crisis event.
Even heroes with committed relationships suffer. Barry went to Gotham for a genuine business trip and he looked up to see a dude with a red mask covering his whole face dangling off a streetlight, staring at him, "Don't mind me, just seeing if you're having any date tonight," the guy said and Barry ran back home to cry to Iris.
Heck, this all started with Hal making fun of Batman's sexual frustration and now everyone's a victim while the instigator is fucking some alien babes at the other end of the galaxy. That is, until, the mentioned Green Lantern, Hal Jordan of Earth, made it home.
"So, Barry, what has been cooking up here anyway? Why do I feel like everybody's at my throat here?" Hal floats to Barry, smiling brighter than the sun in his green Lantern attire. He looks refreshed and well-rested after the mission in outer space, glowing, blinding, and strikingly handsome, as always. Everyone has been acting a little hostile towards him but when has they never, so the fearless Hal Jorden just goes on with his day as usual.
Barry almost pukes out his granola bars, he holds Hal's hand and looks around, checking if Batman's here before dragging Hal to a dead space with no camera in the Watchtower before speaking.
"Shhh, shhh, do you want the Bat to cut your head off?"
"What...? Okay, what has been happening because apparently, not even Spooky knows." Hal folds his arms, expression hardens.
"Pfft, no need to be serious." Barry laughs it off. "It's a bet going on, about Batman"
"A bet, about Batman, you say?" Hal is instantly intrigued, there have been bets going on, of course, but none of the caliber he’s sensing. Hal is not wrong, indeed, the prizes are just getting bigger and bigger with more heroes and villains in on it, growing from "monitor duty" to even "no crimes after 8 for a whole month in Bludhaven" or "donations to greater causes by Lex corps", someone even put a whole relic sword in the bet but got rejected because it can be traced by Batman. The stakes are higher than ever.
"Make an Oath."
"What? A Green Lantern Oath or-"
"No, silly, an Oath to never mention this to Batman and to never use your power to cheat and never let it affect your duty as a hero. Everyone is operating on trust here, even the villains."
"I don't know what it is but, does it annoy Spooky?" Hal winces his eyes.
"Verymuchso, he will murder us, even."
"Goddamn count me in, then. I solemnly swear on my round butt that I will never say anything to Spooky, never use my power to cheat, and never let it affect my duty to this sector of the galaxy ." Hal Jordan confidently puts one of his hands up, acting like he's speaking in court. "Is it enough?"
"Good enough, haha, Diana even suggested a magic pact bond but we scratched that because it would require Shazam himself to officialize a pact that big but he's a little kid so, big no. Also don't tell Billy as well, okay?" Barry leans in to whisper, "Welcome to the pact, brother."
"Okay, and what does this pact inquire, may I ask?" Hal whispers back, acting like two suspicious goons dealing drugs.
"Oh, lemme invite you to the web, it has everything on there. It's super encrypted, made by Red Robin, Cyborg, Mr. Terrific, and Lex tech combined, basically the strongest cyber wall ever made in history! The passcode is verbal only, changes every 12 hours and the designated holders of the passcode also change daily. Luckily for you, today I am the one with the passcode!"
"I'm more concerned that why has the strongest cyberwall in history been made just to annoy Batman but you know what, I'm not even surprised, or care. Hit me!"
The website is indeed, as encrypted as Flash has warned, even a normal person like Hal can see it's loaded with every defensive measure available to man, accessing it feels like he's on his way to dropping nukes on someone. Luckily for him, Hal is one of the original 7 of the League so the identification process is relatively easy, the data already has his fingerprints, ear shape, and retinal information ready, and even personal questions about his life supposedly only Hal Jordan knows. Flash mentions something about any villains wanting to join need to have at least three recommendations from heroes (how is that even possible?), which is followed by a tedious one-week-long approval process. Hal Just wants to ask, why, why everyone chose to go through this process at all.
That is until Hal sees the chart.
"What the fuck is 'suspected bedcompanion of Batman?'? Bedpool? Who the fuck came up with the pun???" Hal blurts out until Flash hurriedly covers his mouth.
"Quiet, what if Batman can hear?"
"He's at home!" Hal casually says, "What the fuck? Even his own kid is betting on it?"
"How do you think we got Red Robin's help making the website and hiding it from Batman's intergalactic cyber scan?" Flash exhales, "The early chart was made entirely by hand and delivered by speedsters like me, it was tough times, okay?" Flash tragically remembers back to the first few weeks of literally writing down names on a paper and traveling across Earth and Heaven just to get every hero's opinion about the chart when Batman publicly complimented Diana's fierceness in battle that one time. Even his nephew, Wally had to help him at some point. He feels like a messenger of Gods (among men), but instead of important war-related letters, it's just an obscene joke about how many aura points Batman would lose if he banged Guy Garner.
"Oof," Hal giggles, "Clark, Diana, and the Holy Trinity throuple all top 3? Understandable, hahahahaha! The Triple Threat! The holy sandwich? Oh, I'm soooo using this! Gosh, the comments are so thirsty!" Hal is fighting for his life to keep his laughter in place, his whole face is red from laughing. "And Clark allows this? I'm assuming Diana is too cool to care but still, do they even know? Shouldn't they deny this by now?"
"Of course they know, but no one else has outright denied it so it's somewhat a silent rule, now. Even J'onn's in on the silent pact." Barry shrugs, even he, who for sure would never betray Iris knows to keep his mouth shut for the game.
"Someone called Clark the Last Bottom of Krypton, please tell me he has seen this!"
"Well, someone called Arthur The King of the Bottoms, trust me, Hal, we have all seen all those comments." Barry is called the Monarch of Motion, which is cool until that nickname is repeated on that site so much he gets shivers hearing those combinations of words, it literally became his weakness. Say the word and you can guarantee the Flash will need at least 3 seconds to recover from the cringe. Iris, who's not directly under the fire, is having a great time from outside of the storm, by the way.
"Zatanna I understand but, oh my God, a threesome with Oliver and Dinah? Oh, Barry, Spooky would definitely murder whoever put Oliver on this list! Hahahaha!" Hal is rolling on the ground now, he's crying, he's crying from laughing. He's having health failure from laughing. "Oh my God the comments! The Comments! Kill me! Did Spoiler just admit out loud she wanted Spooky to fuck Ollie? Ahha cough cough hahaha! Cough-"
If Hal Jordan the prime Lantern protecting Earth dies laughing at immature sex jokes, it is not Barry's fault.
"What the fuck! There's even a sub-discussion on Spooky's dick? Oh- OH shutupshutup someone made calculations based on his feet? WH- Hahahahaha!"
"Calm down, Hal," Barry tries to push his friend back on his feet but Hal falls again just from reading any other comments about literally everyone else, especially the one comment section of that one J'onn simp being jumped. "Come on, standupman!"
Barry, the one at the front of the betting war for the last 6 months, doesn't understand why Hal is literally dying of laughter just from reading all those comments. He has built immunity to the ridiculousness of it all, he has moved onto the state of suffering and frustration. But not Hal, Hal just comes back from space, fresh out of the deep void of darkness, he's like a newborn deer being thrown in front of a running car of excessive dick jokes about Batman. Hal's not built for this, Hal wouldn't survive the hell Barry has lived through, he folds and Hal folds fast.
"I- I- Barry- Hel-" Hal chokes, and he swears he can see the fucking yellow beast of Parallax passing by his vision, laughing at his pathetic death. Fuckoff, if anything, he should see the beast of, idk, dick or something, not fear incarnate.
Anyway, Hal laughs to the point of near death, which lands him in the medbay. That's the conclusion.
Luckily, the Green Lantern Ring stays loyal and refuses to let Hal die laughing at vulgar dick jokes about Batman.
Similarly, Barry is another loyal friend who refuses to let Hal read any more vulgar comments about Batman's ability in bed any further.
"Stop, Hal, you are literally on a medical bed!"
"Pleas- Barry, let me read the part about you, please-"
"NO!" Barry shouts, swatting Hal's hand away from his phone. "I'm not hearing another joke about monarch of motion!"
"Fine, what about me? I don't see my name on the list. Am I that low on the list?" Hal sits up, seemingly having gathered himself just enough. His arrogant demeanor is still there, though, not like someone who should've died of laughing, at all. "Tell me at least they call me something fun, at least ONE has to come up with something flashlight-related, right?"
"First of all, it's disturbing to know you want to be called the Green Flashlight. I will gladly erase that from my mind, thank you." Barry settles back on the bed and shakes his head, " And about your question, well, you are off-world for half a year so we kind of, forgot?"
Hal sits up, immediately, "What? No way! I-" Hal suddenly shuts his mouth up, like a machine having its electricity cut off, "Wait, a whole hero and villain community, and none, seriously, none of you guys think Spooky would sleep with me?"
"No hate on you, you are attractive, Hal, really, but we all thought Batman would rather die than sleep with you. 'Ejaculation inside someone else's body with the intention of reproduction' is the only cure, remember?"
Barry pats Hal on the pack, completely convinced his bff is upset he's not considered attractive enough by the hero and villain community alike. If anything, Hal's one of the highest-rated bachelors in the heroes community year after year despite working almost exclusively in outer space.
"Not cool man, I have a perfectly perfect hole to cum inside!"
"I'm sure someone will gladly cum inside you, Hal." Barry tries to console the Green Lantern, "But we just didn't think Batman would be that someone, that's all."
"Huh..." Hal exhales, face deep in my thoughts. "Huhhhh..." A devious look starts to creep up Hal's face, which concerns Barry, greatly. "If I reveal who Batman's been sleeping with, then I will win, right? All the monitor duty shifts and the favors?"
"What??? Do you know who it is? WHO?" Barry jumps.
"Not so fast, the fastest man alive," 'Hal scoffs, "I'm just saying," He shrugs, "Let me guess, you guys hit a dead end, the bet is dry and the pool is pathetic, right? Not even the Robins can sniff any lovers around Batman?"
"Urgh," Barry winces. He hates to admit it, but except Batman went celibate in secret then, yes, no one can sniff out even a single clue. They know it can only be heroes present at the Watch Tower the day of the sex pollen porno incident, and that's about it. "Please, Hal, the League's sex life depends on this."
"I would gladly tell you, babe, butttt-" Hal trails off.
"But what? Please, Hal, if Captain Cold uses another motion-related sex joke on me, I will kill him! I will kill him and reset the timeline!" Barry begs.
"I'm kind of mad you guys forgot to put me in the pool, like, duh, It's me, I'm Hal fucking Jordan, the hottest guy around and you guys forgot about me in the biggest sex scandal of the decade! Not cool man!"
"Sorry, Hal... I really forgot..." Barry cries, "It happened so fast. I will do anything to atone for my sins! I will reset the timeline-"
"Alright alright, stop crying. Also, stop trying to reset the timeline, damn, you're giving me PTSD." Hals pet the crying Barry on the head and says, "But since you're so sorry, I will let you in on a secret."
"What?"
"I can confirm that it's very big," Hal says, mischievously.
"What, is big?" Barry is confused.
"Here's some hints, it's big, it's dark and it makes me float." The Green Lantern giggles like an 8th grader.
"Huh? Urgh? But you always float around? But your ring is green..." Again, Barry is confused.
"Not a ring, Barry, something different. Every time it's inside me, I have to float instead of walking the next day. What is it?"
"Urgh... Can you be more specific? I don't understand where this is going... Something possessed you in the past 6 months? Parallax's twin brother, Dark parallax?" Barry, again, is very, very confused.
Hal can only sigh.
"Last chance and I can't be more specific if I try, Barry. It's big, it's dark, it's been inside me and it belongs to Batman."
"What... Batwing? Is- Um... Wait isn't that supposed to be the opposite? It should be you have been inside the Batwing?" Barry swears he knows the answer, he's smarter than this. Hal's looking at him with disappointment like he can't answer a simple 1+1 question. The answer, it nags at the bottom of his mind but he can't seem to bring it to his mouth.
Hal's mischievous smile finally drops to a simple line of defeat.
"No, Barry, it's Bruce's dick. Bruce's dick has been inside me. I'm the one he's been sleeping with."
"Wai- WHAT-"
"And they call you the fastest man alive?"