Chapter Text
Satoru wasn’t having a great night. The music in the club was awful, the floor was sticky and the lights were hurting his eyes. The one upside was the drinking because it was an excellent way to stop his thoughts from whirring back into unwanted things.
Satoru had never been the type to drink until he blacked out, mostly because a couple of drinks did the trick. Tonight there was no one around to stop him. He wanted to find Suguru, but there were too many people around and he had lost Shoko in the throng half an hour ago.
“D’you know where Suguru is?” he slurred. The guy he had been speaking to for the past few minutes at the bar raised an indifferent eyebrow.
“Who’s Suguru?”
Suguru was the most beautiful man on the planet, Satoru wanted to say. He was fun, smart and infuriating sometimes. And Satoru was pathetically in love with him, so much so he had felt close to tearing up when Linger by The Cranberries had come on at the last bar he and Shoko were at because that was their song. Satoru had downed his martini and tried to drink the rest of Shoko’s pint. She had confiscated his phone just in case.
“Is Suguru your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Satoru said. “We broke up.”
Oh, right. Suguru had broken up with him earlier that night. Somehow he had to keep reminding himself of that, and every time fresh waves of heartache pounded within him with a renewed vigor. They had to break up because Suguru already had a boyfriend. Wasn’t that hilarious?
Satoru laughed out loud. The stranger looked at him oddly. “What’s so funny?”
Satoru wanted to explain the joke to him, but there were too many words that he found impossible to form at the moment. And either way how could he begin to explain it all? How Suguru had led him on, toyed with his feelings, and ultimately dumped him because he loved his boyfriend more. What a jerk. And he even stole his jacket!
“Nothing,” Satoru said, still laughing. “Buy me another drink?”
This guy’s name had slipped his mind as soon as he heard it, but he would do to pass the time. In this terrible lighting, he kind of looked like Suguru even; his hair was short, but his small, sharp eyes and that greasy smile could even pass off for a decent imitation. Shuffling closer, he pressed his body to the stranger’s, and donned that coquettish smile that he knew worked like magic on some guys. And even though it’d had its desired effect, for the guy touched his lower back, the whole thing felt incredibly wrong. This wasn’t where he should be; he was supposed to be in Suguru’s bed, kissing him in that way that had him sighing and moaning softly into his mouth.
But Suguru was gone. He had chosen at last and it hadn’t been him. He didn’t want him anymore. Maybe never had, at least not in the way Satoru wanted him. So Satoru knocked back his drink and decided not to think about Suguru for the rest of night. Or at least until he forgot he didn’t have to think about him and recalled again why he shouldn’t miss him so much.
If somebody were to ask, Satoru wouldn’t be able to point out exactly how and when it had all started; perhaps it was the day Satoru took Suguru to the vet or the night they made out in his kitchen. Or perhaps it was the first time he saw Suguru in his third year of college.
It was the second week of the last semester, the leaves on the sidewalks were a toasty brown, and Suguru was sitting alone at the library, unaware of Satoru nearly choking on his coffee when he walked by his table and saw him. Slants of sunlight fell over his table from the tall windows bathing him in soft light, his smooth cheek on the heel of his hand and a few strands of his hair hanging delicately over his face. Satoru had never believed in love at first sight, but it had felt like the floor had disappeared from underneath him, the force of it disorienting and exciting. Finding a table to sit, he had devised stupid excuses to pass by his table again, searching for a book, asking for unneeded help from an assistant, risking his seat to go to the bathroom, just so he could steal another glimpse of the gorgeous stranger. He had noticed the book he was reading was Love in the Times of Cholera, that he frowned slightly and nibbled on the end of his pen when he was focused, but not once, in his several trips, did Gorgeous Guy look up from his book so he could instantly fall in love with Satoru.
For the next week Satoru kept an eye out for the stranger on campus, went to the library more times than needed, but to no avail. By the third week Satoru had begun to give up; he wasn’t meant to find Library Guy, maybe had even imagined him in a state of sleep deprivation and too many energy drinks—until Shoko arrived at the campus spot they had agreed to meet at on a Thursday afternoon with no other than Library Guy at her heels. Satoru had looked up from his book and gawked at the stranger standing behind her, tall, dark and handsome, like the first time he had seen him, his long hair pulled in a half ponytail and his smile as heart-stopping as he had imagined it.
“Oh hey,” Satoru had said dumbly. “It’s you.”
It made him ridiculously giddy that Library Guy was watching him attentively, as if he had also recognized him. But he gave nothing away when Shoko introduced him: “This is Gojo,” she said, turning to him, “the dork I told you about.”
Satoru’s grin had widened at the knowledge Library Guy knew of him. “Gojo Satoru!” He jumped to his feet, stretching out his hand. “Nice to meet you!”
Gorgeous Guy chuckled over his enthusiasm and shook his hand. “Geto Suguru.”
“How come I’ve never seen you around before?”
Suguru cut a glance at Shoko, a little bemused over Satoru’s straightforwardness. “I transferred this semester.”
“We met at that party you missed two weeks ago,” Shoko said. “He lent me a lighter when I lost mine. A total savior.”
“Quite the gentleman,” Satoru joked. Suguru simply laughed, a tad sheepish, and Satoru positively melted.
“We’re waiting for more people,” Shoko said. “We’re going to a pub. Wanna come?”
Satoru had a paper to write and a book he had been looking forward to finishing when he got home, but he couldn’t miss the chance of getting to know Library Guy. “Sure, I have nothing to do!”
“Oh here they are,” said Suguru, waving. A group of people was coming their way. Haibara, one of Satoru’s friends, rushed over to Suguru. Surprise hadn’t begun to register yet before Haibara caught Suguru’s hand in his, leaned over for a kiss on his cheek that Suguru responded to with a sheepish smile.
Satoru’s heart broke into a million tiny pieces. Not only did Suguru, Gorgeous Guy, have a boyfriend but said boyfriend was one of his friends.
In the weeks after meeting Suguru he got to know little things about him.
Things like Suguru was a literature major and he had transferred to his university to be close to Haibara. Or like he had four piercings on each ear, and sometimes wore elegant dangling earrings. Tiny things, but no less valuable, such as that he liked accompanying his morning coffee with a fruit like apples or oranges that he brought from home (this Satoru found out one day when Suguru joined his friends for breakfast at a café). All these details just served to reaffirm how annoyingly cute he was and what a shit luck Satoru had.
Satoru wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted. Since he was the only child in a very large affluent family, anything that sparked his interest was given to him without a second thought. Also he was used to getting any guy he set his sights on without really trying, so coming to terms with the fact that Suguru, the most gorgeous man he had ever seen, was off limits, had been a little devastating. The worst part was that not only Suguru wasn’t interested in Satoru the way he was—arguably in love, completely infatuated for sure—but he did not seem to like him very much in other ways either: the few times they had spoken things hadn’t ended as Satoru had fantasized, with Suguru getting offended by something Satoru said or contradicting him on opinions that would usually end up in pointless bickering. Satoru obviously got on his nerves and this did not help his cause in any way.
Two months after their first meeting he ran into Suguru at a party.
Satoru had smoked a bit of weed that Shoko and Mei Mei offered him earlier. For the past minutes he had been standing at an isolated corner staring fixedly at a spot on the floor where the light from above glinted off shards of broken glass, recalling every scientific fact he knew about how objects absorb light for he didn’t know how long until Suguru appeared by his side as though he had materialized directly from his thoughts.
“Want some company?” Suguru asked.
There was a tantalizing loveliness about him, accentuated by the dimness in the room: he was wearing a navy crop top sweater which left just a bit of his abdomen exposed above his jeans, his hair loose over his shoulders, his characteristic bangs falling on either side of his face. The lights glinted off the tiny diamond heart dangling from his left ear. And maybe due to his drug-induced state, the usual excitement he felt over seeing Suguru multiplied, so Satoru smiled dumbly like he had just been told he won a prize.
“Hey,” Satoru said dazedly. “Where’d you come from?”
Suguru studied him with a bemused smile. “Are you high?”
“No,” Satoru replied. “Just a bit.”
Since Satoru had slowly come to realize how hopeless his crush on Suguru was, he’d had more or less given up on his futile pursuit of getting close to him. Not to mention it didn’t look like Suguru and Haibara were any closer to breaking up; almost two years together and counting, they were inseparable, and to all of their friends they were the perfect couple. Every time Satoru saw them sitting close together, whispering in each other’s ears, sharing food whenever they were eating out, Satoru felt like puking right in front of everyone just to ruin the mood.
Although the music wasn’t so loud Suguru leaned in to speak to him, and Satoru was all too grateful for the closeness. “Where’s Shoko? I thought she’d be here with you.”
“No idea,” Satoru said. “Probably smoking crack with Mei.”
Suguru snickered, in that way he had of covering his mouth with his fingers. It endeared Satoru a ridiculous amount. “That’s why you’re all alone here?”
Satoru shrugged. “What about you? Where’s Haibara?”
“He’s looking after some freshman guy who got really drunk,” Suguru said. “He’s going to take him home. He doesn’t really like parties anyway.”
“I don’t like them that much either.”
“Why are you here then?”
For a second Satoru thought about telling him that he had come explicitly because of the possibility of seeing him, maybe even speaking to him like this, and since it had happened, it made his night worth it. But he merely shrugged again and Suguru smiled with interest.
“You know,” Suguru said, angling his body towards him, shoulder on the wall, “I saw you with Nanami last week.”
Satoru raised his eyebrows with surprise. Nanami was a guy from a year below that he had hooked up with after a party at Shoko’s house; they had been on friendly terms for a while, but Nanami, perpetually stoic and way more mature than anyone his age, had never seemed the type of guy who would let Satoru take him to the second-floor bathroom and make him come in his mouth. Satoru had been thoroughly delighted when he asked for his number, though expectedly neither had made any effort to text so far.
“What about it?” Satoru smirked. “Are you jealous?”
Suguru scrunched up his nose “No, I just always thought Nanami hated you. You’re both so different.”
“Opposites attract,” Satoru said. “And besides Nanami likes me for my immense intellect and even bigger—”
“Don’t finish that sentence!”
“I was going to say bigger brain!” Satoru chirped. “And anyway, we didn’t do a lot of talking, if you catch my drift.”
Suguru laughed. It was nice seeing him laugh, especially when it was Satoru who was making him laugh. At this point Satoru was openly staring at him, so fascinated he was by his reaction, because it was clear Suguru was comfortable around him; he had come closer and his smile was easy, ebullient, and perhaps it was the weed in his system that made it hard to believe this was real.
“He’d be pissed if he heard you talking about him like this.”
“He doesn’t have a stick up his ass,” Satoru said, “unlike some people I know.”
“I don’t have a stick up my ass!” Suguru rebuked, defensive, his arms crossed. Satoru burst out laughing over the offense written plainly over his features, and the realization that Satoru was messing with him seemed to vex Suguru even further. “Have you thought that maybe you’re just annoying?”
“No, because it sounds irrational.”
Suguru chortled despite himself. “You’re the most annoying person I’ve ever met.”
“Yet you’re here talking to me instead of being with your boyfriend.”
Suguru examined him for a moment then gave an indifferent shrug. “I saw you all alone here and I thought you wanted company.”
Satoru was about to say something when a man walked past them and said hi to Satoru. It was an older guy he had hooked up with a few months ago; massive build, dark shaggy hair, a scar at the corner of his mouth that gave him a rough edge and had fascinated Satoru. Now, however, as he sent him a cheerful wave, could not for the life of him remember his name.
Suguru, who had followed this brief interaction with curiosity, turned to Satoru with a sly grin. “Another hookup?”
“Yeah,” Satoru replied with a dreamy sigh. “He was a beast in bed. He stayed over at my place the entire day though and ate most of the food in my fridge.”
“Is there anyone you haven’t hooked up with yet?”
“Are you slutshaming me?”
“You just seem to get around a lot.”
“Mad you missed your chance?”
It was clearly meant to be a joke, but Suguru made a show of stepping back to check him out head to toe with a tiny smirk. Satoru was so taken aback that he didn’t even react to Suguru scoffing a second later.
“You wish,” Suguru said. When Suguru finally glanced his way again, they laughed in unison. Satoru had the silly notion that he might wake up from a dream any second; he had never been this close to Suguru, let alone spoken to him this way, so comfortable and familiar. A part of him wanted desperately to let him know that yes, he did in fact wish things were different, but saying so would kill their current rapport stone dead, likely for good. In the meantime Suguru had come so close that, when he turned his head towards him, there wasn’t a great distance between their faces.
“I thought you didn’t like me,” Satoru blurted out. “I’m not sure right now either.”
Suguru chuckled. “You’re not so bad, despite everything.”
“You’re not so bad either,” Satoru said, “even if you’re a self-righteous dick.”
There was something about the way Suguru laughed that could enthrall Satoru even in a crowded room like this, the walls thumping with the music and people shouting and laughing and dancing terribly all around them. Suguru tilted his head just a bit so it was almost resting on Satoru’s shoulder for a moment, then lifted it to hold his gaze. If Satoru hadn’t known better he would’ve assumed Suguru was flirting: his gaze was attentive beneath his long lashes, his lips curved in that indecipherable little smile that drove him insane and kept him awake for hours on end at night.
“Want me to get you an Uber?” Suguru asked. “You look a bit out of it.”
“I can get it myself,” Satoru said, peeling himself off the wall. “I’ll get going then.”
“Wait,” Suguru said. “I should see you off.”
Satoru did not try to tell him that he wasn’t as high as he looked if it meant that he could spend a few more minutes in his presence. They pushed through the throng, Satoru leading the way since he was the taller of the two and was thrilled that at some point Suguru clung to the sleeve of his jacket to prevent getting separated. Outside Satoru had to actually order an Uber because Suguru once again offered to do it for him, and they stood in the sidewalk waiting; Suguru hugged himself, clearly shivering in the nighttime cold.
“Why don’t we share the Uber?” Satoru asked. “You said Haibara was going to take his friend home—”
“I don’t have any money on me,” Suguru said. “I was waiting for Shoko to drive me.”
“Is that why you were looking for her?”
Suguru nodded with a half-smile. “Instead I found you.”
The car pulled up on the curb. Suguru looked between the car and the bar with a little conflicted pinch between his eyebrows. “What’s the matter?” Satoru asked. “You can text Haibara that—”
“I don’t want people to think we’re going home together.”
There was a beat of silence before Satoru sputtered out a laugh. “Is that really what worries you?”
“I have a boyfriend, idiot.” Suguru opened the door to the back seat and got in hurriedly. “Come on, let’s get going!”
The fact that Suguru didn’t want to be seen with him, as though he posed a genuine threat to his relationship and reputation as a whole, was very amusing for some reason. But Satoru could tell how serious the issue was for him, so he remained on the sidewalk and closed the door for him.
“You go,” he said. “It’s charged on my card. I’ll get another one.”
“What? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, don’t worry,” he said. Stepping back from the car, he slapped the roof and the car drove off with Suguru. Actually he wasn’t quite sure he’d done the right thing, because it was cold as fuck and now he had to wait ten more minutes for another car.
The next day, however, he awoke to a text from Suguru. Thanks for the ride, the text read. Satoru smiled into his pillow, kicking his feet on his sheets like a schoolgirl with a crush which wasn’t really far from what he was. I’ll remember to collect my debt, he texted back with a winking emoji, and Suguru texted back an emoji giving the middle finger.
A couple of weeks later Suguru got into the passenger seat of his car and put a plastic pet carrier in his lap. A cat meowed anxiously from within and Suguru shushed it gently before turning to Satoru with a smile.
“Thanks for taking us,” he said. “I didn’t want to pay for an Uber.”
“No problem,” Satoru said, starting the car. “That thing is not going to pee in there, right?”
The previous day Suguru had texted to ask if he was free to take him to the vet. Satoru had missed a few keys in his rush to say I am always free for you in not so many words and had to start over a couple of times before getting it right. Apparently Shoko was busy, none of their other friends had a car or a license, so the stars had aligned and Satoru was the only available option.
“That thing is called Albert,” Suguru said pointedly. Then in a sugary voice, “Say hi Albert!”
Satoru let out a sharp laugh. “I’ve never heard of a cat named Albert. Sounds like an old man’s name.”
“I named him after Albert Camus,” Suguru said in a petulant tone. “You know, the author?”
Satoru was about to reply of course he knew who freaking Albert Camus was, but Suguru was obviously trying to annoy him and he wasn’t going to fall for it. “I had a pet fish named Godzilla.”
Suguru chuckled. “What happened to it?”
“It died on my tenth birthday and I had to flush it down the toilet.”
Suguru snickered, undeterred by Satoru’s pronounced pout. In the last few months they had created a rapport built on annoying and poking fun at each other; their friends would watch on with amusement at first, but soon get tired of their constant bickering and pointless arguments. Satoru was over the moon over this development because, regardless of what everyone else thought, it was clear Suguru was entertained by their banter, so Satoru liked to consider it their own exclusive language.
The vet suggested Suguru’s cat—a chubby tabby—get tests to check his health; apparently the cat was old when Suguru adopted him and he routinely took him to the vet for checkups. While Satoru waited in the reception room he impulsively bought two toys for the cat, a plastic ball with a bell inside and a tiny hairy mouse, just because of how cute they looked, and it was worth it for how delighted Suguru was when he saw them.
Afterward Satoru drove Suguru back to his place. Suguru lived in a one-bedroom apartment off campus, so small it looked too cramped for one person and a single pet. Taking stock of the apartment, he was a bit appalled at the state of it: dirty cups and an overfilled ashtray on the coffee table, stacks of books on the floor, damp towels and clothes hung on chairs and the armrest of the couch. Did Suguru, the most gorgeous man on earth, truly live like this?
Suguru was on his hunches on the floor taking his cat out of the cage. He hefted the cat in his arms and turned to Satoru. “Want something to drink?”
The idea of sitting down on that couch was making his skin crawl, but if it meant spending some time with Suguru then he would do what it took. Picking up an empty cereal box from the couch, he removed all the leftover crumbs and sat down near a corner. The cat jumped up on the armrest by his side and purred as he nudged his head on Satoru’s arm. He was scratching him under the chin when Suguru came back with two glasses of wine.
“Sorry I forgot to buy beer,” he said. “You like wine?”
“Sure,” Satoru said, sipping his wine. “Never too early to start drinking.”
“Sucks that Shoko couldn’t come,” Suguru said. “She said her car broke down yesterday, so she was taking it to the mechanic today.”
Satoru did not mention that Shoko’s car was running perfectly fine the previous night when she dropped him off at his place after catching a movie together. For a while he’d had the mounting suspicion that Shoko had guessed his crush on Suguru, or perhaps suspected it, but had never mentioned it considering the hopelessness of his situation. And knowing this only made him feel even more hopeless in a way.
Satoru grabbed the book at the top of the stack on the floor by the couch to veer his thoughts in a different direction. It was The Age of Innocence. “Hey, I’ve read this one!”
“Really? We’re studying Edith Wharton in my class right now.”
“I read it in junior high,” Satoru said. “It was about this guy who falls for his wife’s cousin, right? And she’s the black sheep of the family.”
“The ending is very sad,” Suguru said. “They were so restricted by the society they lived in they were never able to live like they wanted or be with who they wanted.”
Satoru ruminated on this for a moment, on all the rules he would be breaking if he were to speak his true feelings for once and all the friendships that would be potentially destroyed in the process.
“What’re you thinking about?” Suguru asked. “You got so serious all of a sudden.”
“Just thinking about whether you should be more concerned about Albert’s health or yours.”
“What do you mean? I usually don’t drink this early.”
Satoru chose not to mention he was referring to the ashtray or all the empty cups of coffee on the table. “Glad to hear that,” he said sarcastically.
“I only smoke out on the balcony because of Albert’s health,” he mentioned, “and when Haibara isn’t around. He doesn’t like it.”
“Oh, didn’t know that,” Satoru said. “I’ve never heard him complain about Shoko’s chain smoking.”
“He’s the nicest person ever,” Suguru said, “so he wouldn’t complain. And I don’t smoke a lot, I just always forget to empty that ashtray.”
“I can see that,” Satoru said. “I hope Albert doesn’t choke on a cigarette butt.”
“Albert is not an idiot,” Suguru retorted. The way he was staring at the ashtray thoughtfully belied his answer. “I’ll clean it today, okay?”
“I’ll help you if you want,” Satoru offered earnestly. “You can’t be living like this, Suguru.”
“Don’t be dramatic,” Suguru said, laughing. “It’s not that bad!”
“There was cereal over the couch.”
Suguru rolled his eyes over the rim of his glass as he took a sip. “Alright, it’s a bit dirty! I’m a busy guy and I don’t have a maid to clean for me like you do.”
“I clean all by myself,” Satoru countered. “I don’t mind cleaning all this.”
“Okay, I’ll help,” Suguru muttered, irritated. “Just because you’re my guest.”
Satoru giggled. It was unbelievable that even this reluctance to clean was endearing to him. “I’ll take these cups to the sink and you clean the ashtray.”
After Satoru had put the cups in the sink and helped Suguru scrub the ashtray clean, they went back to the living room and Suguru refilled their glasses to the brim with a renewed buoyancy.
“Woah, are you trying to get me drunk?!”
“We’ve never hung out alone like this before,” Suguru said, like he had never considered it up until that moment, “and we didn’t end up killing each other. No one’s going to believe it.”
“You sound like you like me now.”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to say that,” Suguru joked with a mischievous smile. “But I’m grateful for your help anyway.”
“As long as you don’t fall for me, you’re good.”
“You’re so annoying.” Suguru shoved him on the couch for his trouble. Satoru screamed, keeping his arm still to prevent spilling his wine, which made Suguru laugh harder, uncaring that it was his furniture. Perhaps it was the wine, or the fact that it was just the two of them, but his demeanor seemed more open now, his features softened, and Satoru didn’t dare follow his imagination into wild assumptions.
“What about Haibara?” Satoru asked, in a forcefully casual voice. “Is he busy?”
“He got a job at a café on weekends,” Suguru said. “So he couldn’t come. He can’t drive anyway.”
“Oh,” Satoru said. His hope that there might’ve been a deeper reason for his absence, like a breakup or relationship problems, popped like a soap bubble.
“It’s okay,” Suguru said. “I know you don’t like him.”
“What? Who doesn’t like Haibara?” Satoru forced out an unnatural laugh. “It would be like saying you don’t like sunshine or—”
“But you don’t,” Suguru interrupted, “do you?”
Satoru wasn’t a good liar, so he sat there with his lips set in a thin line and tried hard not to meet eyes with Suguru. Truth was he did like Haibara, it was impossible not to like a guy like him—nice, optimistic, easygoing—but that was the awful thing: Satoru liked him and considered him a friend, and yet he constantly wished that his relationship would crash and burn, which would break his heart, so Satoru might have a chance with Suguru. And Suguru would certainly hate his guts if he found out.
Suguru chuckled and left his glass on the coffee table. “It’s fine,” he said. “I’m just curious why you don’t like him.”
Satoru placed his glass on the coffee table as well and reared back on the couch. His cheeks were warm and his eyesight a little fuzzy around the edges; it was not the best time to be having this type of conversation, lest he risked saying something he might regret. “Why do you even care? It’s not his fault or anything.”
“He’s my boyfriend,” Suguru said, like it was obvious. “I just thought it might’ve been something he said or something. You just don’t look very comfortable when he’s around.”
Satoru bit his lip, trying and failing to come up with a good lie. Suguru’s attention was distracting, his gaze drawing him in further into the pits of his longing. “If I say it, you’ll hate me for real.”
Suguru frowned, bemused. “Why?”
Satoru fidgeted with the cushion. “We’ve just become friends and I don’t want to ruin it.”
Suguru searched his face, his smile fading, and Satoru could almost see the dots connecting in his mind. Before anyone could say more, however, the doorbell rang and pierced through the tension in the room like a needle through a balloon. Suguru started, glanced at the door like he had forgotten where he was, and got up to open it.
“Oh, it’s you,” Satoru heard Suguru say, and just as he suspected it, Haibara spoke up next: “What, did you forget I was coming over after my shift?”
He stepped into the foyer and followed Suguru into the living room. “No, of course not,” Suguru said with an awkward laugh. “It’s just that Satoru is here.”
Haibara’s mouth rounded into an o when he saw him then beamed like Satoru was a long lost friend he hadn’t seen in years. “Hey! What a surprise!”
“Hi!” Satoru exclaimed cheerfully, rising from the couch. Standing in the cramped living room, Satoru noticed with a stupid gratification that he was almost a head taller than Haibara. “I took Suguru to the vet.”
Satoru didn’t know why he had felt the need to explain himself, but Suguru joined in with, “Shoko couldn’t make it. Her car broke down.”
“Oh, damn,” Haibara said. “Thanks for that anyway! Should we get pizza?” Then turning to Suguru, “By the way I brought you that red velvet cake you like from the café!”
Haibara lifted the cake box he was carrying and Suguru smiled with evident delight. “You shouldn’t have!”
Haibara shrugged, clearly pleased with Suguru’s reaction. Jealousy reared its ugly green head watching this interaction, the genuine affection and happiness between them. Somehow he managed to maintain a forced smile, though he had balled his fist by his side and his nails were digging into his palm.
“I should go,” Satoru said genially, “and leave you two alone.”
“What?!” Haibara exclaimed in dismay. “Can’t you stay for the pizza?”
“I promised to meet up with someone,” Satoru lied easily. “You guys enjoy yourselves!”
On his way to the door he threw a wink at Haibara who laughed bashfully. At the door Suguru watched him like there was something he wanted to say, but in the end all he said was, “Bye!” and closed the door on Satoru.
That night he lay awake replaying moments from that afternoon when his phone startled him with an incoming call from none other than Suguru. Satoru sat up in bed and stared at his phone like it had just caught on fire, unsure of what to do. His first thought was that Suguru must’ve made a mistake, but when he finally mustered the courage to slide the button across the screen, Suguru’s voice came distinctly from the other end.
“Hi?”
“Hey, were you awake?” Suguru asked. “I didn’t wake you?”
“You did,” Satoru groaned, feigning a yawn. “I was dreaming of a very hot guy so you better have a good reason to call at this hour.” He heard Suguru huff on the other line. “So? Did something happen to Albert?”
“No, nothing happened,” Suguru said with a titter. “I just didn’t get to say thanks for helping me today.”
Hearing his laugh produced a near-instant smile. “It’s fine,” Satoru said. “You can pay me back with pizza sometime.”
Suguru laughed again, its sound airy and melodic. Satoru curled up on his side and grinned into his pillow, giddiness spreading from his breastbone to the rest of him like beer foam spilling over the rim of a glass.
“Can we do it sometime this week?” Suguru suggested. “Albert needs to get those tests done and I’m not sure if Shoko can take me.”
A delusional Satoru picked up on a note of shyness in his voice. His grin widened. Or perhaps it wasn’t that delusional considering that he had asked Shoko and she had told him Suguru hadn’t asked her in the first place. What did any of this mean, Satoru didn’t dare to guess.
“Sure, anything for Albert,” Satoru said. “As long as he doesn’t pee in the car.”
“Albert would never!” Suguru rebuked. “He’s a well-mannered cat!”
They bickered about Albert’s manners and a dozen different things for about an hour on the phone until Suguru said he needed to go to sleep. Satoru wondered if Haibara was there; had Suguru gone to another room to speak or had Haibara not stayed the night? In the morning his happiness hadn’t quite faded when he received a text over breakfast and a selfie from Suguru in bed with Albert sleeping on his chest. Satoru grinned stupidly into his fist and took a deep breath before typing a dumb joke that was far from what he truly wanted to say.
One evening Satoru was coming down the steps of the library building when he spotted Suguru walking the opposite way. They stopped on the cobblestone path after spotting one another. Satoru was momentarily struck by the usual enthusiasm of seeing Suguru that never subsided, no matter how much time passed since his crush started. He beamed, exclaiming, “Hi!” to which Suguru smiled softly and said, “Hello there.”
Suguru told him he came from a lecture by Hiromi Kawakami. “No way!” Satoru complained. “I would’ve gone if I had known!”
“We could’ve gone together,” Suguru said. Satoru tried not to read too much into that comment; it was said so casually, it obviously meant nothing. “Walk me to the bus stop?”
“I can drop you off at home if you want,” Satoru offered. “It’s no problem for me.”
“I promised to meet Haibara there,” Suguru said. “But we can talk on the way.”
Twilight was an inky blue over the top of buildings. The lamps lining the path were glowing a warm amber and a crisp breeze ruffled the canopies of trees. Satoru wondered if Suguru was cold; he clutched the book and folder in his hold close to his chest, his shoulders raised. He was wearing a sheer wine-colored blouse, his hair gathered by a claw clip, and Satoru had to force himself not to stare at his ass in his tight jeans.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why do you like reading so much? I mean, I know people read as a hobby,” Suguru added hastily, “but even some people in my major haven’t read as much as you have. And your major has nothing to do with literature.”
Satoru’s first reaction was to make a joke, the easy way out when confronted with serious questions. But this was Suguru and he would probably get annoyed if he did.
“My parents own a ton of books,” Satoru replied, “since my mom is in academia and my dad is a scientist.” Suguru was listening attentively and Satoru pushed out a breath before adding, “And well, growing up I didn’t have many friends since we lived in a secluded part of town so I spent a lot of time reading.”
It wasn’t a secret that his parents were very successful academic people, but Satoru had never told anyone about the last part, not even Shoko. His childhood was spent curled up with a book in a corner of his family’s library and the closest thing he had to friends were the servants and the adults that came over for dinner sometimes. Even now he found solitude more comfortable, easy, than constantly being around people; the only exceptions were Shoko and lately Suguru.
Suguru didn’t seem surprised by this revelation. An emotion flitted across his expression, something akin to sympathy, before a clear understanding settled over his features.
“Same for me,” he said, staring ahead at the path. “I used to be left alone a lot so I read all the books I could get my hands on at home.”
“So that’s how you became a nerd, huh,” Satoru teased him and cackled at the face Suguru made at him.
“Look who’s talking,” Suguru said, scoffing. “You’re literally a physics major.”
“I know, I’m smart and hot.” Satoru laughed again at the eye-roll that earned him. Sobering up a little, he said, “I guess reading makes you feel less lonely. And it’s easier than making friends.”
Suguru hummed faintly. “I suppose you’re right.”
Briefly Satoru wondered if Suguru could secretly relate to this, given he got along well with all their friends, or that was what Satoru thought. Loneliness was a tricky thing, though, for somebody could still feel alone despite being surrounded by people.
They had reached the bus stop by then. Cars sped by on the road, flashing their headlights on them before disappearing. Suguru shuddered again, clutching his book tighter and looking so small despite his build.
Satoru sighed through his nose resignedly. “Hey, you can have my jacket if you’re cold.”
Suguru’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “Your jacket?”
“Yeah.” Satoru didn’t know why he was feeling self-conscious all of a sudden; it was just his stupid jacket after all, but the uncertainty from Suguru made him a little nervous. He was about to take it off before Suguru stopped him.
“No, I’m fine.” Then he added in a quieter voice, “Haibara’s coming in a bit.”
“So? He can’t see you wearing someone else’s jacket?”
Suguru wheezed bemusedly through his nose. “You don’t get it.”
“What? It might make him jealous?” Satoru asked, sardonic. “We’re just friends sharing a jacket.”
“So we’re friends now?”
“Sure we are,” Satoru said. “I took you to the vet, didn’t I? And you invited me for a drink to your place. It’s about time you admit you secretly love hanging out with me, Suguru.”
Suguru pulled a face first then sputtered out a laugh, not unkind. His eyes had turned into two lovely half-moons, crinkled around the corners. Satoru was indescribably pleased to have made him laugh like that. “What would our friends think of us being friends?”
“They’ll probably say, ‘Finally! Those two were meant to be friends!’ or something like that.”
“Really? You think we’re meant to be friends?”
Before Satoru could respond, Haibara called Suguru’s name as he strode towards them. Satoru had always liked how expressive Haibara was: his eyes widened upon seeing Satoru before a grin took over, bunching up his cheeks like a squirrel. Suguru, on the other hand, smiled placidly by his side.
“Hey! Were you keeping Suguru company?”
“Yeah, we ran into each other and I walked him here.”
Haibara held Suguru’s waist and kissed him on the lips. The smack of their lips was inexplicably vexing to Satoru, even more so was seeing Haibara kissing Suguru’s smile. Standing there, fists in his pockets, he felt more awkward than ever in his life.
“So I should get going,” he said loudly. They turned to look at him as though they had forgotten he was there; Suguru seemed suddenly flustered and timid. “Have fun!”
“Thanks! Bye!” Haibara shouted after him. Satoru waved over his shoulder; his long legs couldn’t get him out of there fast enough.
Later that evening he got a text from Suguru while cooking dinner. All it said was, thanks for keeping me company satoru. Exhilaration built up inside him with the explosiveness of steam. Suguru had called him by his first name! Satoru was used to calling people by their first names, but anyone rarely did the same for him, and certainly Suguru was the last person he expected to do it. Before he could get his fingers to type a coherent response another text came in: btw forgot to tell u she signed my book :P. Satoru laughed alone in his kitchen and replied, careful i might steal it to sell it on ebay.
They bickered back and forth the rest of the evening. In his wild imagination, he pictured Haibara asking Suguru why he kept giggling over his phone and Suguru lying and deflecting in his answer because he wanted to keep Satoru a secret.
“Were you waiting long?”
Suguru spun around, startled by his voice. A smile appeared instantly on his lips, stirring an odd flutter in Satoru’s chest. Then, as if remembering himself, he narrowed his eyes with slight reproach. “About ten minutes.”
“Sorry,” Satoru said, raking fingers through his windblown hair. “So much traffic in this area!”
“I was beginning to think you forgot,” Suguru said with a wry smile. “It’s okay, you can buy me churros—there’s a vendor up ahead who makes really good churros.”
That day Suguru was wearing a thin red cardigan and a blue-and-white silk scarf covering his head. When he noticed Satoru staring he asked, “What?”
“You kinda look like a grandma,” Satoru said, amused. Apparently Suguru became self-conscious, because he quickly undid the knot under his chin to remove it. Satoru wanted to tell him he looked cute like that, but Suguru was already using the scarf to tie his hair into a half bun.
“It was so windy when I left the apartment,” he explained. “Come on, let’s get going.”
They started walking on a cobblestone path that led into the park. The path was lined with cherry trees, the pale pink flowers ruffled by a cool breeze. It was the start of spring and the park was lush with vibrant colors all over, and the cloying scent of blooming flowers and fresh grass impregnated the air. Children played on the grass where some people were sitting around talking and others had picnics.
Suguru had asked him and Shoko to accompany him to see the the cherry trees blooming at this time of year; apparently Shoko had backed out because of a date with Utahime, Nanami was busy with schoolwork, and Haibara was working his shift at the café so in the end there were just Satoru and Suguru left, and he couldn’t say he was all too sad about it.
“It’s so pretty out here,” Suguru said, taking pictures with his phone. “I didn’t want to miss it.”
Cherry blossoms were scattered over the path, swirling with the breeze. Satoru took out his phone and snapped a few pictures of the scenery as well. When Suguru saw him he sneered.
“I didn’t think you were the type to like these kinds of things.”
“What? I like cute things too!”
“You should bring Nanami with you next time then.”
There was a suggestive edge to Suguru’s tone that made him a little self-conscious. He and Nanami had hooked up last week; he had taken him back to his apartment and kept in touch afterwards with sparse texts here and there. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for him, but his friends—namely Shoko and Mei Mei—had teased him endlessly about it because Satoru rarely hooked up with the same person twice, let alone with someone from his friend group.
“When we all come together next time,” he retorted goodnaturedly. Suguru tossed him a sidelong glance that Satoru tried to ignore. The last person he wanted to discuss the questionable state of his dating life with was Suguru.
“What’s going on there by the way? You seem to like him.”
Satoru had spent enough time around Suguru to pick up on the note of curiosity that he was trying to disguise in his voice. He smirked at the interest.
“Why? Are you jealous?”
Suguru deadpanned. “Don’t be ridiculous. I like Nanami. He’s a really nice guy and—”
“And I’m not?” Satoru feigned being hurt over this with a dramatic gasp. Though admittedly he was a little hurt about what Suguru was implying.
“That’s not what I’m saying, idiot,” Suguru said. “I’m saying I don’t want you to hurt him.”
Satoru groaned impatiently. “I’ve told everyone already that we’re just having fun. It’s nothing serious!”
Suguru cast him a skeptical sidelong glance that made Satoru laugh. He looked so lovely that day, especially under the late-afternoon sunlight. The silk scarf had tiny strawberry patterns over a white background, lined with a baby blue color, and its ends fluttered in the sweet-scented breeze. Their hands hung listlessly at their sides as they walked, and Satoru wondered if Suguru’s skin was as smooth as silk; the desire to touch him was such that he ultimately curled his fingers into a fist and pocketed it in his jacket.
A cherry petal landed on Suguru’s hair just above his right ear. Satoru said, “Oh, you have something in your hair,” and pointed at the spot.
Suguru patted over his head blindly so Satoru reached over to pluck it off his hair. They shared a sheepish little laugh, then resumed walking, Suguru deliberately staring straight ahead.
“So have you ever been in a serious relationship?”
“Define ‘serious.’”
“I mean, have you ever been with somebody and not felt like sleeping with a new person every weekend?”
Satoru pretended to be deep in thought. Suguru scoffed. “No, I haven’t,” he said at last. “And what about it! I don’t really care about relationships.”
“Really? Color me shocked.”
“I’m young and hot,” Satoru said boastfully. “Why would I want to be tied down to a single person? I should be enjoying my youth as much as I can!”
For a moment Satoru thought that perhaps he shouldn’t be saying this to the one person he would give up everything for, but it wasn’t like his chances with Suguru were any closer to becoming real, considering he and Haibara had been going strong since forever and there were no signs of a breakup in the horizon.
Suguru huffed. “You sure are full of yourself.”
“Just stating facts,” Satoru said with a grin. “I’m enjoying my freedom.”
“Has there ever been anyone that could’ve changed that?”
“What about you and Haibara?”
Suguru seemed a little thrown off by the non-sequitur. “What about us?”
“Is he ‘the one’?” Satoru did air quotes with his fingers, trying not to let too much derision seep into the question. “Is that why you guys have been together forever?”
“We’ve only been dating for nearly two years,” Suguru replied with a wry smile. “Not that long. And you don’t really know that at our age, do you?”
“My point exactly,” Satoru said with an arrogant grin. Suguru rolled his eyes. “I just think there’s no point in worrying about serious relationships and settling down with one person at our age. We’re not thirty yet!”
“What if you fall for someone?”
Of course his first thought was Suguru. Satoru lifted his shoulders defensively, averting his gaze from Suguru’s inquisitive one. “Hasn’t happened yet.”
“Well, it’s going to happen at some point,” Suguru said, a taunting lilt in his voice, “and you’ll have to eat your words.”
“Why are you praying for my downfall?” Satoru joked. “I thought you liked me!”
Suguru laughed loudly. “You’re so dramatic, stop acting like falling in love is horrible!”
“It is!” Satoru countered. “It’s basically a type of psychological torture!”
“Finding someone you love and you can share everything with is not torture,” Suguru said, entertained despite his exasperation, touching Satoru’s arm briefly on impulse. Satoru’s pulse quickened the slightest bit. “It’s nice to know that there’s someone who has your back no matter what.”
“Until things get bad and you break up,” Satoru muttered, scoffing. “What then?”
“Don’t be so cynical,” Suguru retorted. “Of course there’ll be rough patches on the road, but believe it or not, when two people are committed to each other they can overcome anything.”
Satoru bent forward and made loud hacking noises, attracting the attention of some of the people strolling in the path. In a mix of embarrassment and amusement, Suguru slugged him in the arm to make him stop, a blush coloring the tips of his ears a deep red.
“Stop being an idiot!”
“Stop lecturing me,” Satoru said, “or this is the last time I’ll accompany you anywhere!”
Suguru snickered, shaking his head. “You’re so annoying.”
Surprisingly, Suguru slipped his fingers over the crook of his elbow, and Satoru grinned, overjoyed by the easy rapport they seemingly fell into that afternoon. He was close to saying something along these lines, overly embarrassing and self-revealing, when Suguru squeezed his arm to grab his attention.
“Oh, there’s the churros stand,” he said enthusiastically. “Come on, you’re buying me churros!”
They got a bag of churros and an iced latte for each. Suguru asked for one of the Nutella-filled ones that Satoru got and made a happy noise when Satoru gave it to him. It was small stuff like this, no doubt inconsequential to Suguru, that endeared Satoru a ridiculous amount.
Sundown turned the sky into a swirl of orange and pink, the trees lining the paths haloed by golden light. Couples strolled up and down the path, stopping frequently to take pictures of the trees or flowers in the bushes. They ate their churros on a bench and fell into a comfortable silence until Satoru spoke again.
“Okay, here’s a question,” he said. Suguru regarded him attentively. “What if you fall for someone who sucks in bed? What do you do then?”
“Why are you so obsessed with sex?” Suguru said, amused.
“Sex is important in a relationship!” Satoru retorted. “Anyone who says it isn’t is lying through their teeth or coping because their boyfriend sucks in bed.”
“But it’s not that important,” Suguru rebutted. “And besides, when it’s with the person you love—”
“Please don’t give me that crap about making love ,” Satoru groaned, disdainful. “You know as well as I do that it can be a deal breaker. And I feel sorry for people whose boyfriends suck in bed, but that’s why they should fuck at least on the second date if not the first.”
Suguru laughed, covering his eyes. It filled Satoru with so much joy and pride to make him laugh like that; if he were a dog, he would be wagging his tail excitedly right now.
“Is that like a rule to you?”
“Yeah,” Satoru shrugged, “it applies to everyone. And I could tell you how I do it if you come with us to the pub tonight.”
Suguru’s grin had turned crooked. “Smooth,” he said. Satoru batted his lashes innocently. “And anyway I have to give Albert his medicine. So maybe.”
“I can drive you home,” Satoru suggested, “and then we can go to the bar.”
“Really?” Suguru said with a smile. “I was thinking the same thing actually.”
“Why do I feel like you’re treating me like your personal chauffeur?”
Suguru laughed, his eyes crinkled in a way that was so endearing. “Well, you offered!”
“We can get pizza on the way there,” Satoru said. “You owe me one and I’m still hungry.”
“For real? Those churros were pretty good.”
“You have powdered sugar here,” Satoru said, pointing to his mouth. Suguru rubbed his fingers over his lips but didn’t get all the sugar off. Satoru laughed. “It’s still there.”
“Can you wipe it off?” Suguru asked. And when he noticed how flirtatious it sounded, the tips of his ears turned a bright pink. “I meant with your napkin!”
Satoru laughed bashfully. It was stupid how nervous he was all of a sudden: Suguru sat still, his head angled a bit forward, and carefully Satoru took the napkin and rubbed it over his top lip. How he wished he could kiss the plush pillowy softness of his lips, trap his bottom lip between his and—
Suguru blinked several times, with what appeared to be nerves. “Done?”
“Done!” Satoru exclaimed. In the light of dusk Suguru looked even more beautiful than usual; there was a faint golden hue to his eyes and his lips were parted, expectant. Once again he was seized with such a powerful urge to kiss him that he had to crumple the napkin into a ball in his fist to hold back.
“What is it?”
“What?”
“The way you’re looking at me,” Suguru said. “Is there something else on my face?”
Satoru gulped. What was the point of saying anything? It wasn’t like the cards were stacked in his favor, but all of a sudden he felt like if he didn’t say something, if he didn’t let out at least a portion of the weight in his chest, he might collapse and die on the spot.
“You just—I think you have very pretty eyes,” he mumbled. “That’s all.”
Something exploded in his chest like a million firecrackers over the lovely smile that unfolded in Suguru’s lips. But the slight frown that knitted his eyebrows flustered Satoru more than the comment itself. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing!” Satoru mumbled, a tad defensive. “Can’t a guy just give you a compliment?”
“Sure,” Suguru said, “but I never expected a compliment from you of all people.”
“Why?”
“Because you love being annoying,” Suguru replied, “and I didn’t think you could be serious for a second.”
It was clear Suguru was trying to get on his nerves so he ignored his urge to argue and said, “I can be serious enough to tell you you have pretty eyes.”
Suguru stared at him for a moment before he scoffed. “What?” Satoru asked.
“You shouldn’t be flirting with people in a relationship,” Suguru said, though his tone was more amused than chastising. “Or is that a normal occurrence for you?”
“I don’t go for guys in relationships,” Satoru said, “unless I don’t know about it. Then why would I care?”
Suguru chortled. “You’re terrible.”
Suguru rose from the bench, and backlit by the pinkish glow of dusk, Satoru could’ve sworn he detected a hint of endearment in his smile. He was so caught up in this puzzle that it took him a second to scramble to his feet and follow Suguru after he said, “Come on, let’s go for that pizza!”
The bar was packed that night and not long after arriving they got separated from the rest of the group because Satoru followed Suguru wherever he went. They found a spot against the wall by the rear after ordering a new round of drinks; Suguru was drinking beer while Satoru sipped a sugary strawberry daiquiri with a tiny paper umbrella that Satoru was sucking on. Satoru happily handed his glass to Suguru after he asked for a sip and was confused by the disgusted face he made.
“It’s not good?” Satoru took a sip and smacked his lips. “It’s delicious!”
“It’s way too sweet! How can you drink that?”
“I have a sweet tooth,” Satoru retorted. “I started eating sweets when I needed to stay awake to study but now I’m kind of addicted.”
“Sugar is going to rot your teeth.”
“I’ll get new ones.”
“I forgot you were rich,” Suguru said, unimpressed. “Is it true you have like a dozen summer houses all over Europe?”
“No, that’s crazy!” Satoru exclaimed, waving a hand. “We sold the ones in Greece so it’s not a dozen anymore.”
Satoru laughed at Suguru’s consternation. “I’m joking! Of course we don’t have that many houses. We do own summer houses in Japan though.”
“I can’t imagine growing up rich,” Suguru said. “Must be nice not having to eat ramen and frozen pizza every single night.”
“It is nice,” Satoru said readily. Suguru laughed despite himself. “I’m a great cook though, I can cook pretty much anything. I had to learn when I moved out.”
“Is that so?” Suguru said. Even with the loud music, it was hard to miss the coquettish note to his question or the enticing curl in one end of his lips. Satoru angled his body towards him so he was caging Suguru against the wall. Suguru looked up at him from under his eyelashes, sliding a finger over the neck of his beer bottle; he was wearing a dangling earring with a cupid in his left ear that caught the light now and then. After eating pizza, Satoru had taken him back home so Suguru could change, and while he waited in the living room, he had imagined he was getting ready to go on a date with him. It didn’t help that once he had been ready to go, Satoru had to pretend Suguru didn’t look particularly enticing in a black blouse and matching tight jeans.
“Will you ever invite us to dinner at your place?”
“I have actually,” he said, “before you transferred. I should do it again sometime soon. I’ll blow your mind.”
Suguru raised his eyebrows amusingly while he drank his beer. “We’ll see about that,” he said. “I don’t think you can be good at everything.”
“Oh, I am a great cook! Just ask Shoko,” Satoru said. “I can cook for you anytime.”
“Take us to one of your summer houses,” Suguru said, “and you can cook for us there.”
Satoru laughed at Suguru’s wittiness. “We can go in the summer!”
“Is that a promise?”
“Sure,” said Satoru. “I’ll cook anything you like.”
“My personal chauffeur and chef? I’m starting to think you like me a little.”
You have no idea, Satoru thought. Something along those lines was on the tip of his tongue and he had to remind himself it might ruin his budding friendship with Suguru for good. “You’re not so bad, even if you’re mean to me sometimes.”
Suguru laughed, his eyes crinkled at the corners. Instinctively Satoru came closer, his free hand against the wall by Suguru’s head; his glass was mostly empty and the alcohol had loosened him up, because all of his usual inhibitions regarding Suguru were missing. And something in the heavy-lidded gaze Suguru fixed on him, the interest in it, was beckoning, and Suguru for his part made no effort to move away and put distance between them.
“You won’t hang out with Nanami tonight?” Suguru asked.
Satoru shook his head. “Don’t know where he is,” he said. And it was true, he had seen him when they arrived but had soon slipped from his mind after spending all evening with Suguru. “Where’s Haibara? He isn’t coming?”
“It’s his mother’s birthday,” Suguru replied. “They were going to a restaurant to celebrate.”
“So it’ll be just the two of us,” Satoru said with a half-smile.
Suguru mirrored the smile. “Looks like it. We’ve basically spent the whole day together.”
“You don’t want to admit you like me a little,” Satoru teased. “Deep down you know it’s true.”
“Debatable,” Suguru said. Satoru laughed because he could see by the way Suguru smiled that he was playing with him. His heart leaped in his chest.
“Should we get another round?” Satoru said. “I’ll pay.”
“Are you sure?” Suguru asked. “I can pay for my own drink, you know.”
“It’s no problem.” Satoru waved dismissively. “Come on.”
Pushing through the throng to get to the bar, Suguru grabbed Satoru’s wrist to avoid separating; Satoru was grateful that Suguru was leading the way so he couldn’t see the stupid grin he was wearing. Suddenly some guy passing by them shoved Suguru so hard he stumbled back against Satoru’s front and Satoru caught him by the shoulders on reflex.
Suguru sidestepped Satoru to follow after the guy. “Hey, watch out!” he shouted. The guy wheeled around and checked him out, clearly angry over being screamed at, and shoved Suguru again. Before Suguru could move Satoru stepped in and shoved the guy forcefully, making him trip backwards against other patrons who were now watching the argument unfold.
“Don’t touch him, you asshole!”
“Tell your boyfriend to look where he’s going!”
Satoru thought Suguru was about to correct him, but instead he said, “Me and my boyfriend can kick your ass so you better fuck off!”
The guy took stock of them, two imposing guys taller than him, and visibly reconsidered his options. Looking around, he noticed his friends had abandoned him, so without another word he scurried away after them. Satoru hadn’t quite overcome his shock over Suguru using expletives or the fact he had referred to him as his boyfriend when Suguru turned back to him with a brilliant grin as if he had won a prize at the fair. They shared a laugh, more conspiratorial and intimate than ever before, and most exciting of all was that Suguru reached for his hand this time to lead the way through the crowd towards the bar.
They were tipsy when Satoru drove Suguru home two hours later. Satoru thought Suguru would say goodbye there and leave, but he was pleasantly surprised when he was invited upstairs for one last drink.
Suguru kept all lights off except for the lamp in the living room. In the kitchen he poured wine into two glasses and after handing one to Satoru he clinked their glasses together.
“Do you think we could’ve kicked that guy’s ass?”
“For sure!” Satoru replied. “He looked terrified when you told him to fuck off.”
Suguru laughed. “I’ve never been in a bar fight.”
“I wouldn’t have left you alone,” Satoru said. “But they probably would’ve kicked us out of there and banned us entry.”
“At least we would’ve been in it together.”
“That’s right! You don’t leave friends alone in fights!”
Suguru smiled. They stared at each other in the dark. Satoru silently took a step closer to Suguru and left his glass on the counter. He was already feeling the warm buzz of alcohol running through him, pooling into his stomach with a tangible weight.
“I had a fun evening,” Suguru said. “Who would’ve thought you were good company.”
“Told you I’m great company!” Satoru exclaimed. “And I have to say you’re not so bad yourself.”
“Is this the first Saturday you haven’t gone home with somebody?”
“I did go home with you,” Satoru retorted with a smirk.
Even in the dark the blush that spread over Suguru’s cheeks was evident. “Not that way—I mean—you know what I mean!”
Satoru snorted. “Well, there’s still Sunday.”
“You’re so stupid,” Suguru said, slugging him in the stomach. Satoru groaned, pretending to be badly hurt, which made Suguru laugh. Suguru must’ve been drunker than Satoru thought because in the next moment he splayed his fingers over the spot where he had hit him and dragged his palm up his torso, stopping at his chest. Satoru had gone stock still, his breath trapped in his throat and his heart bruising itself against his ribs, which he only realized a second later must be obvious to Suguru where his palm was placed.
“Your heart is beating so fast,” Suguru whispered. He looked up at Satoru expectantly. Satoru swallowed, unable to come up with a witty response, something that would take the seriousness out of the situation. Instead all he said was, “I know.”
The tension in the room was palpable. He covered the hand Suguru had over his chest and could distinctly hear the sharp breath Suguru took that hollowed out the base of his throat. Suguru’s lips parted in anticipation, and in the infinite seconds that passed Satoru considered walking out of the door and leaving both to pretend none of this happened. But in the next second the tension snapped like a rubber band; Suguru craned his neck and Satoru met him halfway.
They kissed slowly at first, somewhat unsure, but then Satoru buried his fingers in Suguru’s hair and tipped his head to deepen the kiss. Suguru moaned into his mouth, clutching Satoru’s hips to bring him closer, and Satoru indulged him readily, pressing close to feel the heat and solidity of his body against his. They separated for a moment, breathing as hard as the thumping of his heart, and Satoru was certain Suguru would push him away, tell him to leave, but in a quick motion, surprisingly swift for his inebriated state, he set his glass on the counter and yanked him by the front of his t-shirt to kiss him again.
It was a hungry, desperate kiss, clawing at each other’s clothes and hair. Finally Satoru could run his fingers through Suguru’s hair as he had dreamed for so long and used his grip on his head to guide the kiss. He tasted like wine and cigarette smoke, a sweet and tangy flavor on his tongue that was intoxicating, but the shape and texture of his lips was what arrested him the most; smooth and plushy, they moved languidly but determinedly until Suguru took over with his fingers over his jaw. Soon his patience wore thin so Satoru hefted Suguru by the hips to place him over the counter and Suguru spread his legs to welcome him between them, wrapping one arm over his shoulders and the other venturing lower to grab his ass. Satoru laughed into the kiss and snuck his fingers inside Suguru’s blouse in response, wandering over his abdomen. Suguru sighed and Satoru sucked on his bottom lip before dropping kisses over his jaw down to his neck, all the while continuing his exploration upwards under his clothes—and it seemed this was what finally made Suguru realize the magnitude of what they were doing, for he gasped and pushed Satoru back with a look of consternation.
“Wait,” he murmured hastily. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Did you just remember you have a boyfriend?” Satoru asked sarcastically. The sharp glance Suguru pinned on him made him feel stupid at once. “Okay, you’re right, we shouldn’t.”
Suguru groaned, hiding his face in his hands. It was then that remorse descended upon Satoru like frigid rain, not induced by what they had done but by the realization it would be nothing more than a mistake for Suguru.
“It was all me,” Suguru muttered. “I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s fine,” Satoru said. “We’re drunk, we didn’t know what we were doing—”
“I’m not that drunk,” Suguru admitted. “I’ll remember everything about tonight.”
For a long moment Satoru was at a loss for words. How could he tell him he would remember everything but in a completely different light from him without sounding like a pathetic loser?
“Let’s pretend it never happened,” Suguru went on. “It’s not like it changes anything between us, right?”
“Right,” Satoru said. “I should go.”
“No, stay here,” Suguru said. “You can’t drive like this.”
“I can get an Uber.”
“Sleep on the couch,” Suguru insisted, adamant. His tone left no room for argument. “It’ll be fine.”
“You won’t be tempted having me so close?”
The joke didn’t land like he wanted; still Suguru chuckled wryly. “It’s not like you’re irresistible, you idiot. I’ll bring you some blankets.”
After Suguru brought him a stack of blankets to the couch, Satoru assured him he didn’t need anything else. It looked like Suguru wanted to say something else, for he stood by the couch gnawing on his lower lip, shifting from one foot to the other, but when he finally said, “Okay, goodnight!” and was about to go to his room, Satoru said, “I won’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry about that.”
Suguru stopped and spun back around. There was guiltiness over his features, an unease etched in the lines over his forehead that plunged Satoru into a wave of doubt and second-guessing. Despite longing for that kiss for so long, he hated that whatever awful feeling that must be accosting Suguru was his fault.
“Thanks,” Suguru said lowly and gave him a small smile. “I did have a good time tonight. Despite everything.”
“Me too.”
They shared smiles. Then Suguru said, “I hate that you are a good kisser.”
Satoru smirked. “Told you I’m good at everything.”
Suguru rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “Okay, goodnight.”
“‘Night! Dream of me!”
Suguru flipped him off over his shoulder and Satoru cackled. Despite their friendship seemingly surviving the kiss, Satoru lay awake for a long time after Suguru went to bed, replaying every single moment of the evening. Of course the kiss hogged his thoughts, the way Suguru had touched him like he wanted him as much as Satoru did, the sweet sounds he slipped into his mouth, the taste of wine and smoke on his tongue…
In the morning Satoru awoke after his shoulder was shaken and a voice called his name. The first thing he saw was Albert sleeping on his chest and the next one was Haibara hovering over him with a bright grin.
“Hey, sorry to wake you up!” Haibara chirped. “I wanted to thank you for bringing Suguru home safe last night.”
Satoru mumbled incoherently because he was suddenly hit with flashbacks of what had happened just a few feet away in the kitchen and the last thing he had expected was seeing Haibara upon waking up. At length he was able to mutter, “No problem.”
“I’m going to start on breakfast now,” Haibara said. “Want to stay?”
“Where’s Suguru?”
“He’s still sleeping,” Haibara replied. “He must have a hangover.”
He laughed fondly. For a brief moment, Satoru entertained the idea of confessing what had happened just to see what kind of reaction Haibara might have, and in doing so he noted the lack of guilt and remorse attached to the incident in his heart. This was puzzling, for he had expected to feel bad the first time he saw Haibara, but the sole feeling that permeated his mood was dejection over the knowledge he was never going to kiss Suguru again.
Satoru was still caught up in his thoughts when he took Albert in his arms to sit up on the couch. Albert let out a tiny sound of protest and Satoru stroked his head absently in apology. The thought of eating breakfast at a table with Haibara and Suguru after what had happened the previous night in that very same kitchen seemed like a scene straight from a sitcom. Maybe his life was a very bad joke.
“I should go,” he said. “I have to meet Shoko in a couple of hours, but thanks a lot.”
“You’re welcome!” Haibara gave him a thumbs up before heading to the kitchen.