Heather | Changlix/Hyunbin

by bSung

Summary:

"But tonight of all nights, the feeling was all over him: all over the sweater he was wearing, all over the room he was in, all over the bed he sat on, all over his lips—like a cruel, macabre bloodbath."

Or

Hyunbin is real and Felix is lost.

Notes:

Hello!! I'm back with a new story and a new fandom? I'm whipped for skz so here we are. It's Dec. 3rd so I wrote a little something inspired by "Heather" and the infamous sweater. I love changlix AND hyunbin so writing this was heart wrenching. Anyway hope you catch the references to other songs :( enjoyy!!

Chapter 1: wound

Summary:

"The rain fell on him, burning his skin like acid, and he wished he could just dissolve right there because of it. Unfair. It was totally, fucking unfair."

Or

Felix’s heart breaks and the open wound stings, hurts like hell.

The warm, grayish sweater and the AC set to 30°C hid the coldness that the third of December brought with itself. The light in the room was off, but moonlight seeped through the thin curtains.

The darkness was comfortable, familiar, like a tender hug enveloping all of Felix's features. The boy's tears were now dry on his face, but his hands were gripping the cuffs of the sweater, unable to relax, to shake off the wounding feeling that still couldn't leave him alone even after a whole year. He felt pathetic, really; unreasonable, too; lonely, most of all.

He was frozen in time, helpless, incapable of living in the present and perpetually stuck on a single thought whenever his mind wasn’t occupied with other distractions—serious, professional things that couldn't be delayed for a "dumb and stupid heartbreak-without-a-relationship," as Chan had once called it (just the heartbreak part; the "dumb and stupid" part was later added by Felix to feed his own self-deprecating thoughts).

 

But tonight of all nights, the feeling was all over him: all over the sweater he was wearing, all over the room he was in, all over the bed he sat on, all over his lips—like a cruel, macabre bloodbath. When Felix closed his eyes for even a second, he could still see the scene unfolding in his mind. "Take it, you're shivering," he had said. And then, "You should keep it; it looks way better on you anyway." Felix could swear on his life that in that moment, Changbin had a twinkle in his eyes that Felix had only ever seen in his own, and maybe in Minho's—though definitely not towards him. But it was there, as clear as day, and warmth seeped through Felix's skin, deep into his bones, grazing his soul in the gentlest of ways.

The room seemed to disappear for a second, and Changbin stood in front of him, shoving his things in his bag to get ready and leave the practice room as soon as possible. But Felix was completely blinded by the light emanating from the other boy: truly like an angel, shining against all odds.

 

Felix would've kissed him right then and there, and thinking back, maybe he should've.

Maybe if, a year ago, he’d wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck, brushed his lips against his, and melted into the touch of Changbin’s hands on his waist—if he’d surrendered to the feelings he’d buried for so long—things would be different now.

Maybe Changbin would be there with him, his messages wouldn't have been left on read. He wouldn't have felt this cold. But he had held back, turning his eyes down and just smiling, going back to fix his own bag as well.

 

That sweater is all that's left from that day, because then everything went back to normal...almost. A few days later, Felix had been ranting to Jisung about how much Changbin just straight-up confused him before suddenly stopping as he heard his voice: that same voice that was so dear to him, that same laugh that made his heart flutter, now directed to someone else.

Changbin and Hyunjin had greeted the other two guys politely. The latter had his shoulders wrapped up in Changbin's arms, and his body loosely covered in one of his sweaters. It was darker than Felix's, but still unmistakably Changbin's. Felix didn't know how to feel (that didn’t change; he still doesn't).

Jisung had put a hand over his, squeezing it gently—a silent 'let's leave' hung in the air. But Felix was too focused on the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen, interrupted by chatter and silent pauses that he could swear were kisses to be able to answer. His heart felt ice cold, as if it couldn't be melted anymore in any way: instead of bursting, it froze, stopped in time. His mind hasn't been able to move on ever since.

 

As time passed, spring came around, and Felix hadn't been able to talk to Changbin as he used to—or at all—and interacted with him as little as he could. It was clear that something had happened, but Changbin himself really couldn't grasp it, and so Chan (ever the savior) decided to take matters into his own hands and talk to Felix.

When Chan decided to go to the younger boy, realizing that Changbin knew as much as himself, the younger immediately burst out crying, breaking down in the other's arms, rambling about what had happened in slouchy English. "It's been so long, but I can't move on. And we were never together in the first place!" Chan had kept silent, knowing to save that conversation for some time later, and hugged him until he fell asleep.

 

The day of Changbin's birthday, summer rain had crowned the sky, so they were forced to celebrate indoors: in his and Hyunjin's apartment. It was painfully clear that a couple lived there, even before they had announced their relationship to the group—which they did, on that day.

Felix couldn't even force a smile on his face. He was feeling unwell and went back to his own apartment earlier than the others. Seungmin gave one look at him and handed him the keys; he knew, everyone did.

The rain fell on him, burning his skin like acid, and he wished he could just dissolve right there because of it. Unfair. It was totally, fucking unfair.

 

And now, on the third of December—one year since it all began—he sat in his bedroom, the feeling as raw as ever. He had just left the studio after asking Changbin for help. He tried to avoid it, but he couldn't have done it forever. So Changbin helped him, and Hyunjin calmly listened to music in the background, sitting on the studio's couch. Felix spent tons of time with him and couldn't find it in himself to hate Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was pretty, undeniably so, and extremely talented in everything he did. He had always been Changbin's perfect match, and Felix could never compare. He wasn't as tall as him, his hair wasn't as shiny, his skin wasn't as fair, his voice wasn't as clear, his dance wasn't as smooth, and he couldn't even manage to express his true feelings as Hyunjin did instead.

Hyunjin was everything Felix had always wanted to be. Most of all, he was Changbin's boyfriend—the one thing Felix could never be. So instead, Felix brushed the hair off his face, taking deep breaths and wishing he could drown in his—Changbin's—sweater and stop feeling all that.

 

A knock on the door startled him, making him shuffle to dry the tears from his face—when did he even cry? And what time was it? Was it morning already? The doorknob twisted, and Felix relaxed as soon as he saw Chan's head peeking from the slight opening.

The older had a worried look on his face. Had he heard him? Or did he just remember? Felix didn't know and didn't ask either. The older just stepped into the room, closing the door and letting the darkness engulf them once again.

He wrapped Felix in a firm, unhesitating embrace, his shirt dampening with Felix’s tears. "I love him. Why can't I be loved back?" Sobs broke his words, making it hard to keep talking. 'Why am I not enough?' went unsaid, but Chan knew. Of course he did, and just held him silently. There was no use in talking him out of it, so instead he trailed his hand up and down the other's arm in an attempt to soothe him.

When the tears finally stopped, dry and cold on his face, Felix whispered the most painful words he’d ever spoken: “I wish I were Hyunjin.”

Notes:

Let me know what you think!!

Chapter 2: sew

Summary:

"Two years later, seeing Changbin’s hoodies on Hyunjin’s body didn’t feel as painful anymore, and the one Changbin had given him lay at the back of his closet: a burned, closed-off memory."

Or

Felix learns how to sew his wounds.

Notes:

Hello everyone! This chapter was NOT planned at all, as I meant the first one to be read as a stand-alone. But I've gotten so many positive comments (which I'm extremely grateful for) that brought me to write a second part and to plan a third part that will probably be published next week!! I'm sorry if i broke your hearts with chapter 1: I hope they can heal as well as Felix's♡

Heartache isn’t forever. Felix learned it the hard way, drowning in its feeling for years, thinking he’d never be able to get out of it: to heal.

But two years later, seeing Changbin’s hoodies on Hyunjin’s body didn’t feel as painful anymore, and the one Changbin had given him lay at the back of his closet: a burned, closed-off memory.

Even his friendship with Changbin and Hyunjin went back to how it was... or almost. Well, Felix still couldn’t shake the itchy feeling creeping up his back every time he was in a room with both of them at the same time, begging him to flee and run away as fast as possible. But everyone around had helped him, and Felix learned how to control it.

 

Most of all, he was grateful because he wasn’t alone. After that last episode, a year ago, Chan had held him at night for maybe a month straight, temporarily switching apartments with Seungmin (who really didn’t mind spending time with Jeongin, of all people). And so Felix learned to let go of the grayish sweater’s warmth and instead relied on Chan’s hugs.

Jisung, too, had helped him a whole lot, as he was the only one to really know everything. Despite that, he never once judged Felix’s feelings and instead listened to his every rambling—as he had always done—and made sure to always make him feel understood. Along with Minho, whose presence was unexpected but deeply appreciated.

 

But Felix was thankful to Hyunjin most of all. He hadn’t been told anything that had happened, nor was he at fault, but Felix understood fairly soon that he had picked up on something. Maybe he felt guilty or powerless while facing Felix’s state, but he still silently helped him through it all. Even when Felix couldn’t stand Hyunjin’s sight, the older boy covered his back nonetheless, shielding him from God knows what. Hyunjin really hated being in the dark like that, and that only grew the uneasy feeling inside of him: that he was wrong, that he’d made a mistake, and towards Felix, which was the worst part of it all. He couldn’t wrap his head around how they could go from best friends to strangers in the span of months, and that hurt him to the core.

 

But Felix learned how to patch his heart up. And after more than a year of not even quite looking at Hyunjin (without breaking down), he forgave him, in his own way. He knew that the fate of the group was in his hands: he really, really couldn’t mess it all up because of his sadness, and honestly, he just wanted his Hyunjin back.

He couldn’t stand the tension between them anymore. Not only did it make their dance practice a ton more difficult because of the quarrel, but Felix had also always found peace and joy in the older boy’s presence... when did it change? He couldn’t let a crush ruin their friendship, could he?

So one day during practice, when Minho left to get them all coffees to the sound of, 'we really need that today', Felix hugged Hyunjin without warning. His hands tightly gripped Hyunjin’s shirt, unbothered by the sweat glistening on both of their bodies. His face pressed in embarrassment into the other’s shoulder, and a lone tear slipped from his eyes: was that the right thing to do?

Felix only found out when he felt Hyunjin’s shoulders slightly shake in a sob, and his arms quickly engulfed Felix’s body with longing, trembling urgency. Felix’s hug was begging for forgiveness, Hyunjin’s was screaming relief.

There was no space left between their bodies for a good five minutes—Hyunjin just sobbed into the younger's neck, pouring out all the fear and loss and ache their separation had brought. Felix let him: his own heart wasn't the only broken one. They both knew they would have to talk it out properly, but when Minho came back and they all sat down silently—a gesture so familiar—they knew they'd be alright.

 

Actually telling him what had happened, though, was a whole different story. They decided to meet the next day, and it was Felix who brought it up. He didn’t know if his aim was to explain or to apologize, or both; after all, Hyunjin couldn't even imagine how his relationship with Changbin had made Felix feel.

Nonetheless, a feeling of bitterness lingered in Felix's chest, faint but undeniable, like the aftertaste of something he wished he hadn’t eaten. Hyunjin wasn’t to blame, and Felix and his feelings were old enough to understand that. Yet it didn’t make the sadness any easier to carry.

 

Sitting on Felix's bed, Hyunjin looked at him with a hint of curiosity and wonder. It was clear that he had no idea what had happened, though the distance the younger had put between them had hurt him more than it should’ve. Hyunjin and Felix had always been the kind to talk about anything, sharing their thoughts because it was just easier between them than with other people. Now, Hyunjin felt like he couldn't recognize the boy in front of him, as if he were a ghost of who the older had loved and cherished for years.

 

"I'm sorry," Felix blurted out in a sigh. The words flooded out, carrying tiny bits of built-up anger, despair, and sadness that Felix had learned to destroy, to sort out, as time went by.

Hyunjin opened his mouth but closed it as soon as Felix took his hand in his own. "You deserve an apology and an explanation, so let me start by saying sorry." With that, Hyunjin fell silent, squeezing Felix's hand just slightly tighter. Felix just looked at him for about five seconds before a tear slipped out of Hyunjin's eyes, making Felix break eye contact. He looked down at their hands and let out a shaky breath.

 

"I hope things between you and Changbin are going well. I'm sorry I've been dumb enough to let a crush come between our friendship," Felix said with a trembling giggle, though it was filled with both regret and pain. Maybe he wasn’t as over it as he had thought. "It hurt... seeing you with him. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he had chosen you, while I would've chosen him over anyone in the world."

Hyunjin's eyes were fixed on Felix's face. His phone vibrated once, twice, with a short and sharp buzz signaling that his boyfriend had messaged him. He let it be, refusing to break the bubble he and Felix were enclosed in.

 

"I know it isn’t your fault, and it isn’t his fault either—I’ve always known this. But for more than a year, I kept blaming myself because I just wasn’t enough for him."

Felix’s eyes met the older's, and Hyunjin gasped, whispering a short, 'No, Felix'. But Felix knew that his thoughts couldn’t be fought anymore, carved into his mind ever since that winter day.

 

"I don’t want you to feel bad about it, and I’m grateful because you didn’t give up on our friendship, even if I’ve been as hostile as ever towards you. I took my time, and there’s no anger in me anymore, I promise. It’s not exactly… simple to erase a feeling that, from my side, has been there ever since day one. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the love I feel for you is more important to me than what I felt for Changbin. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I’ve made peace with the fact that you and he are like two pieces of a puzzle, so please don’t think I’ll even try to take him from you.”

Felix smiled slightly, and Hyunjin's mouth curled up as well, even if his eyes betrayed his feelings, filled with tears begging to flow out.

 

"I love you, Hyunjin. And even if I loved Changbin differently, your happiness and his come before any dumb crush I could’ve ever had. I’m sorry if I treated you like shit, and I’ll understand if you'll want to distance yourself from me now that you know. But I couldn’t bear to keep this from you anymore."

 

Hyunjin stayed silent, and for a second, Felix thought the worst. But what was happening in Hyunjin’s mind was far from what Felix could imagine. He was… torn, to say the least. He felt dumb because he hadn’t picked up on all of this before, and sad, because he also thought he would’ve sacrificed his feelings for his friend’s happiness—if only he had known.

Felix's expression fell into a defeated one. Hyunjin's silence was heavy, and he wasn’t sure if the air filling up the room was made of disappointment or understanding. Hyunjin let go of his hand, and Felix’s mind was now filled with one single thought: 'Chan is going to hate me, I ruined everything'. But it was soon silenced by Hyunjin’s arms wrapping around him, making them both fall back onto the bed.

Hyunjin’s weight wasn’t unbearable at all. It was warming, familiar, safe, and Felix regretted ever letting this all go.

Maybe, just maybe, he was finally healing.

Notes:

Let me know what you think and stay tuned !!

Chapter 3: scar

Summary:

"It was as if he could feel his heart freezing, his scars bleeding all over again, a discomfort way too familiar, that Felix wouldn't have ever wanted to feel again".

Or

Felix's scars aren't as healed up as he had thought.

Notes:

Hello!! Third and final chapter of this fic: finally Felix confronts Changbin and it's a hell of a ride. I purposely left the ending as it is because the story itself was meant to leave you with questions. So even if it went from one to three chapters, I had to keep my initial goal: I hope I could :)

But healing is very rarely linear. There are ups and downs; Felix experienced all sorts of them. Yet, the world came crashing down on him in seconds. He had been... working on himself, and summer passed yet again, opening its windows to the autumn cold, and darkening the sky with thick fog and grey clouds that Felix hated with all of himself. While he found comfort in Minho's hot chocolate and Jisung's cute snuggling as they watched movies together, the sadness of the weather was unbearable, influencing him from every side.

The nights, most of all, got heavy. He felt lonely, engulfed by darkness that the dim moonlight couldn't fight, and around him were only his thoughts, filling the silence and keeping him awake, despite the cold, and despite the music blasting in his ears.

Nothing worked to make him feel better, and he was sure he was spiraling back to bad again once his mind got filled with Changbin's name. Was he awake as well? 'Probably not'. Was he warm enough, maybe cuddling up with Hyunjin and syncing his breath with his boyfriend's? 'Probably yes, Felix, why wouldn't he?' 

The image at the same time broke him and fixed him.

 

He had tried and tried so hard to be happy for them, and by now he could do it most of the time. Yet, some feelings lingered in his chest, scratching the scar that Felix was so desperately trying to patch, opening it up again.

He knew it was wrong, and that hurt even more. Hyunjin was his friend and surely didn't deserve, by his side, someone that couldn't shake off old feelings for his boyfriend of almost two years. Yet during nights like those, nothing could warm up Felix's heart except Changbin's sweater.

 

When Seungmin went to wake him up one day, stating that Jeongin was gonna come over, and saw him curled up with the infamous sweater on, he sighed and kneeled next to the bed, grazing Felix's side softly and prompting him to turn around to face him. 

When he did, it was clear how the past night had treated him: puffy eyes and tear lines adorned his face, making him look ethereally and painfully beautiful, yet broken.

"You'll be fine," Seungmin’s voice had never been so sweet and soft to Felix's ears, and it was enough to make him tear up again.

"I don't think so..." His voice was even quieter, broken by silent, yet burning tears falling from his eyes. "No, I don't think I'll ever be fine". Seungmin stuck with him and dried his tears, caressing his now brown hair and trying to be as comforting as possible, though he didn't know better. By the time Jeongin knocked, Felix had fallen asleep again.

 

Waking up that afternoon had given him a strange burning in his chest, a newfound motivation to put an end to his miserable condition. He showered, put on a fresh sweater (his own, this time), and applied the slightest bit of makeup to cover up the redness of his eyes. 

He rang Chan, asking if they were at the studio already and, once he got a positive answer, he threw on his coat and informed Seungmin (and Jeongin) of his leave. 

His housemate had been worried to say the least, but Felix tried to smile as brightly as he could, and that set it.

The smile...wasn't really usual. It didn't exactly reach his eyes and it was kind of forced, as if he was trying to convince himself that he was happy. The others weren't used anymore to seeing his old smile, and he was far from learning how to get it back. But it didn't matter for now; his own happiness wasn't Felix's main goal, but rather finding the group's balance again, and that could only be done in one way.

 

 

Changbin sat in the studio, headphones on and mixing programs displayed over the PC screen, reflecting hues of blue and purple on his face and glasses, making him look - to say the least - breathtaking. Felix tried his best to regain his composure and walked up to him, tapping his shoulder and giving a little wave. Changbin took the headphones off and greeted him: it wasn't as usual, though, just a plain and simple "hi". He looked...angry, distancing himself with his chair as Felix sat in front of him.

"Do you...have a second?" Felix's question sounded uncertain, less confident than before, and Changbin's sigh - followed by an unsure 'yeah, of course' - just aggravated the weight pressing on his chest. It was as if he could feel his heart freezing, his scars bleeding all over again, a discomfort way too familiar, that Felix wouldn't have ever wanted to feel again.

But he was there, and had nothing left to lose, so he might as well just go with it. The words leaving his mouth, though, were different than what he had planned: "are you... mad at me?" 

 

Changbin's grin wasn't friendly or playful, it was, in fact, mad, kind of sarcastic. "What do you think?" His voice was unfamiliar, and Felix felt like dying.

"Why?" Felix's voice was shaky, suddenly insecure about his every action. He hadn't acted wrongly towards him, at all, he'd been worse with Hyunjin, yet it was Changbin who had a light in his eyes that the younger couldn't recognize.

He scoffed, slightly rolling his eyes before setting them on Felix again. "Why? What a damn courage you have."

Felix's eyes changed focus between Changbin's own and his hands, confused, with a thousand questions running through his mind, but none could come out of his mouth. He shook his head instead, 'I don't know'... he knew better than to talk, to let his own voice betray him.

 

"You've been ignoring me for months. One day, everything is fine, the next you're stepping back when I get close. With both me and Hyunjin, what the fuck, Yongbok?" The younger boy took in a sharp breath, tears prickling in his eyes. 

"And it's just us, me: you do not act this way with anyone else. And now you come here asking me if I 'have a second'?" His voice got louder with his every word, Felix's sadness turned into disbelief, then anger: did he really not know anything at all?

"I don’t know if I can or want to have any more seconds for you, Yongbok. I'm not really sure."

 

Felix couldn't think: he could've never imagined Changbin could have so much bitterness in himself, especially towards him. Yet here they were, and Felix didn't know what to do or say to make everything whole again. 

"Things between me and Hyunjin are fine." Stupid, stupid Felix. Top-notch communication! Changbin seemed to think the same, scoffing once again.

"Good job, now care to explain at least why you did that?" 

"Oh my god, Changbin, how did you not realize?"

 

Felix almost screamed, his voice broken. He tried his best to keep in his tears, almost failing, but not quite yet. Changbin, in return, looked at him confused. Angry, but definitely confused.

"Changbin, I'd been in love with you since the day I first fucking saw you. You cherished me, cared for me, almost kissed me. You gave me your fucking sweater, and I know it makes no sense for me to hold onto something as dumb as that for this long, but it gave me hope, true and honest hope. Weeks later, you and Hyunjin are kissing while I'm in the next room, talking about you".

Felix's words carried long-lost feelings, coming back and overflowing, bursting out from a container that had become too tiny to keep them all in. He was frustrated, and Changbin was stunned. 

"I've cried myself to sleep countless times because you somehow fooled me. You made me think for just a second that my feelings could be reciprocated. But no. So I'm fucking sorry if I couldn't look at you after you unknowingly shattered my fucking heart." 

 

He took a deep breath, Changbin’s eyes wide and stuck in his, shocked as ever, and clearly, deeply taken aback.

"I... didn't know." He lowered his head, looking down between his own feet and Felix's, unable to come up with better words. Felix sighed, trying to breathe and gain back his cool: this wasn't how it was supposed to go.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I have no more...feelings for you. Yet sometimes it's still hard because those feelings are the only ones I've ever known, towards you." 

Felix still wanted to cry, but there were no more tears left, just an uneasy feeling at the bottom of his neck, blocking the air in his throat. "I really just came to apologize, since I did it with Hyunjin as well. So this is it. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me." 

The air in the room got heavy, almost suffocating, and Felix left before he could hear Changbin's quiet apology. 

 

 

Going back home had never been that hard for Changbin: a moment he usually treasured and yearned for, now felt draining. Hyunjin knew, had known. How could he stand that? And how the hell didn't he realize Felix's feelings for him? He didn't get it, definitely didn't get it. 

The door opened with a click, and the smell of eggs engulfed him. He shrugged off his coat, feeling warm thanks to the AC, constantly set to 30°C nowdays, and to the familiar feeling of his house, his home. Hyunjin greeted him with a smile that softened when he saw Changbin’s eyes reddened and glazed with tears. He knew, because he knew his boyfriend like the palm of his hand.

Changbin felt guilty, but when his lover's arms wrapped around him, he couldn't help but realize yet again that Hyunjin’s hugs and words were everything he'd ever need.

Notes:

We're done! As always, let me know what you think.
I'll take a moment to say that, unfortunately, heartache is a real damn thing, though it may sound dumb cause it's not as bad as a broken leg, it can still bring to all sorts of consequences, especially when you can't or don't want to get closure. Confronting people is always the best thing, but even then, not everything can heal right away. What's important is that it CAN be healed, with time, and help. To all of you (us) who have experienced it before, healing isn't linear, but it's possible, and true love awaits for everyone <3

Notes:

Let me know what you think !! <3