Chapter Text
The weight of the room descends upon Donghyuck, his hands resting awkwardly at his hips while the rest of the room falls into chaos. He's not winning.
His face is hot, sweat starting to form on his brow and he considers asking Chenle to up the AC, if that wouldn't be too rude. It shouldn't be this warm, because the peak of summer is starting to dwindle. Donghyuck never thought, growing up, that he'd find himself yearning for the cold, to be shivering his way through the day, but here he is.
They're crammed in Chenle's living room, which is decent sized, but all and all too small for everything they have right now. Donghyuck always feels like he's a second away from tripping, stumbling over until the carpet burns his palms and he's destroyed half of the knick-knacks Chenle's got up on the shelves. He can already hear the callous laugher from the back. He's also wearing too many layers, his zipper tight over his t-shirt, and the late summer air takes him over.
Behind him, he can feel Renjun's eyes on the back of his neck, not quite staring holes but making sure he's not having an off day. Chenle is also there, but a lot less concerned about that kind of thing. And while the practice space is cramped, it's a lot better than they could do anywhere else, considering Chenle's parents were rich enough to rent him a house for going off to college. By extension, Renjun is the person who charmed Chenle into doing the whole band thing anyway.
And Jaemin is behind him.
He hasn't looked Donghyuck in the eye from the moment that Donghyuck arrived, stumbling late through the open door. Donghyuck knows this because he keeps track. Good, he thinks, because he also likes to piss Jaemin off. He likes to watch every small movement, every fake smile, every sharp turn and wrong note.
Jaemin's hair is growing too long, falling in front of his eyes. Masochistically, Donghyuck focuses on it, thinks about how it would feel to run his fingers through the fine strands and just tug. He wants to make it hurt. While Renjun tunes up his guitar, he looks down at his own feet, shuffling against the carpet.
There's a lot to think about. It's already getting late, fading in from evening to night, and he has a bus to catch. On top of that, his first class is early the next day, but he needs to be there because it's so early in the semester, and he's still catching up from switching majors. He needs to be there to prove he can stick with it.
"Should we try again?" Renjun asks, and Donghyuck turns. He rests his eyes on Jaemin, stares him down, but Jaemin is pointedly looking the other way, and they're playing a game again. He doesn't mind. He loves the challenge.
"No point," Chenle groans, his voice is as exhausted as Donghyuck feels. It makes sense. They're all cramped up in Chenle's space, even if it's not obvious Donghyuck and Jaemin are already about to fight, and it's only a Wednesday. On top of that they suck.
It's not for a lack of trying. Donghyuck desperately wants to be good at this, wants something to come out of it. He tries so hard, scribbling everything he thinks or feels down hoping it'll become something pretty or grand. He's taking composition classes; he's starting to actually put some effort into playing guitar. Every night, he perches himself on the end of his bed and practices until his fingers are stiff and sore, until he thinks he's going to throw the instrument away for the last time.
He thanks God that, by some mistake, he got a solo room.
"No," Jaemin talks, finally, eyes still directed at anyone other than Donghyuck so it's not a win. "I have shit due tomorrow, and Donghyuck's pitchy. Let's wrap it up."
Renjun is already sitting his guitar down by the time Jaemin finishes talking, and lets out a sigh at the end. The air is too much, and Donghyuck processes what Jaemin is saying, "Pitchy? Fuck you. Learn to play bass." He hasn't taken his eyes off Jaemin and is waiting for something to snap. Already he's mad. "Fine, let's leave. Whatever."
Whenever Donghyuck isn't the instigator, he feels free to let the fight go on for as long as he wants. It's his game.
When they hang out more as a group, it's usually Jeno that has to play mediator, endlessly full of patience for Jaemin, and liking Donghyuck well enough that he can calm him down. One of the many things their band doesn't have yet, including a name, is anyone who can deal with whatever it is there between Jaemin and Donghyuck. Renjun fans the flames, if anything, and Chenle ignores it.
"Yeah, you're pitchy," Jaemin sets the bass down to the side, looking newer than anything else in the room. Donghyuck hates him. "You're pitchy, and your voice isn’t right for whatever we're doing here. And you don't even show up on time."
He wants to say something like my bus was late you fucking asshole, we don't all have our parents buying us cars, but that would be admitting he's jealous of Jaemin's car. He absolutely isn’t. Jaemin's voice has gone low, and dark, like Donghyuck has committed a fatal sin. But at the same time, he's really revelling in how angry this is making Jaemin, that he's getting to piss Jaemin off. He wants to wipe Jaemin's smug grin off his face and force him to face Donghyuck's wreckening.
"I'm not pitchy." He settles on instead, and the game keeps on going.
Instead of reacting, or lashing out, or even putting up a good fight, Jaemin rolls his eyes. "Whatever," He sighs, almost petulant, tired as the rest of them. It's all so fucking exhausting. They sound like shit, and they might always sound like shit. Donghyuck and Jaemin have literally never liked each other, and Jeno somehow thought that they could maybe bypass this, or ignore it, by starting a band. It feels too early, the hatred is supposed to come later. But they’re speeding through the process, loathing coming natural to the both of them.
Besides, Jeno didn't even show up today. Donghyuck is at least here, even if he is late. But it's not like Jaemin is ever going to hold Jeno to the weird, fucked up standard he holds Donghyuck too. It's just this unwarranted hatred that Donghyuck never did anything to earn. But two can play that game.
Donghyuck has barely escaped into the stuffy Austin evening in time for his bus, escaping the beautiful confines of Chenle's house. Despite it being furnished like a home straight out of an eighties movie, Chenle's parents’ choices, it's a new build. It makes Donghyuck feel a bit ill to be in there for too long.
The night is heady, and Donghyuck is glad he didn't spend the summer here. Pennsylvania has its own issues, but while it's warm it never gets so scorching. He had been warned by everyone he told about his college of choice that this would be the case, but feeling it is different. But he also has a certain affinity for the heat that Texas brings in the winter, when he can dress lighter outside than he could ever imagine at home.
Summer was still warm at home, warm enough to spend the days roaming the streets with childhood friends, and drink warm beer in other peoples' backyards, but he's sure that here would have killed him.
He worries, in a futile way, that one day he'll be so used to the heat there that he'll forget what it's like to be frozen. As much as he wanted to escape it once, the cold used to be everything he knew.
Before they leave though, Donghyuck watches Jaemin's anger reach boiling point then simmer out. He moves sharp like a cat, like everything is intentional and just a fraction too harsh. Donghyuck loves it. He likes knowing that he's pissing Jaemin off. Since they met, the dramatic scene in a party bathroom, he's just wanted to do this. Call it being cruel. Even still, everything is on edge.
Chenle lives slightly off campus, far enough that Donghyuck has to bus it. Jaemin also lives somewhere off campus, mysterious and far away enough that Donghyuck has never really heard about it.
Assumedly, it's a situation like Chenle's, where his darling parents have forked out the cash to get him somewhere to stay in Austin while he studies. Or, maybe, they're at least helping with his rent.
On his way out, Donghyuck rushes goodbyes and promises to see everyone later, ignoring Jaemin completely. He hates that man. It feels so incredibly stupid, but every day brings him closer and closer. It makes him feel hot, hotter than he already feels, melting away in front of everyone.
He was supposed to bring his guitar today, supposed to learn the chords and the words, and everything else. He didn't. It's all slipped away from him so quickly, and he's so busy. He gets a text from Chenle when he gets to the bus stop telling him that one of his books had fallen out of his backpack, and he'll drop it off tomorrow. Then, another telling him not to instigate, even when he didn't. He doesn't know if he would respond, even if he could, he has no credit left. His phone goes back in his pockets, anyway, ignoring the text.
It's not a win. It's not close. Because he doesn't want the petty arguments, he wants Jaemin destroyed. But one of them has to win eventually.
-
Donghyuck's not too sure how the band came about.
Whenever he's asked, he gives some kind of nonanswer, something less embarassing than the truth. It's all to do with circumstance, and being there, and having some musical inclination that means they've all come together and put it to paper. Maybe a string of favours, new people, and spur of the moment decisions.
And that's not a nontruth, really.
It begins with Renjun, who Donghyuck had been eneamoured with in freshman year. They met at a frat party, for a frat that neither of them belonged to, and they had both been so tiny and nervous, but Donghyuck had probably been better at hiding it. They had met in the bathroom. Donghyuck doesn't remember if he was throwing up, but when he tells the story he adds that detail for effect.
Truthfully, Donghyuck was stoned out of his mind and slightly in awe of Renjun. He had smoked too much, too quickly, and hadn't stopped drinking. His face pressed to the cool porcelain of the bathtub, Renjun had walked in and laughed at him. It's weird, now, because now that Renjun is more of a fixture in his daily life, he doesn't really act the way he does in the memory. Chalk it up to first meetings, or weird environments, but he knows it happened.
He remembers it still, Renjun brushing his hair off his sweaty forehead. He remembers wondering if college meant there would always be pretty boys there to put him back together. The thought had half pushed him out of the closet.
Donghyuck is shyer than people give him credit for, introverted and closing in. It's why Mark kept him in place all those years. Renjun was a small blessing.
Of course, that's all different now. Renjun is Renjun, and Donghyuck knows well enough that he's not some kind of guardian angel sent down to save him from crossfaded nausea. He's also no longer on the verge of falling in love with Renjun at every wrong turn.
They hadn't exchanged any contact information that night, after everything happened, after their too-drunk too-deep conversation, Donghyuck had stumbled out to go and find Mark, who he just remembered was at the same party. Renjun had found him in the lunch hall a few days later, asking if Donghyuck was okay after falling flat on his face in the bathroom.
Donghyuck still doesn't remember the fall, but he's sure it happened.
In the early stages of first year, when Donghyuck didn't know anyone but Mark, he took it as a sign and trailed Renjun like a lost puppy for weeks on end. It's through this he met everyone else.
The first thing that Donghyuck ever learned about Jeno, despite the basics like where he's from and where he's staying, is that he's studying music. It's a few months into Freshman year that he first hears word about Jeno's band, this shitty little group that's been posting pretty terrible demos on MySpace. And then there's a few more.
When Donghyuck pivots into studying music as well, Jeno approaches him with the widest, kindest smile known to man to ask him to join the next group. Donghyuck hides his excitement in response.
How Chenle ended up involved is beyond him, other than maybe he has the house, and he likes using it as an excuse to hang out.
When Donghyuck is asked about it all, he feigns indifference, this totally modern sense of nonchalance. Of course he doesn't care, because caring is for losers. It's a lot easier than having any kind of dream in music. He can lie and say his heart isn't in it, but it doesn't mean that's the case.
And really, the band itself isn't his dream. It's more a way to get there in the end.
He's a realistic boy, and knows it's going nowhere fast. They haven't even agreed on a name yet, or a genre, or even what kind of music they're making beyond Taking Back Sunday covers, and basic alternative riffs. It's thing like these that push Donghyuck back, make it harder to commit to the project.
It's difficult. And he supposes he's left out probably the worst part, the most problematic element for him believing in his own success, or even trying to get it.
Jaemin hasn't always been a feature of the band, and was actually a later addition, but Donghyuck doesn't know how he didn't see it coming when Jeno was the mastermind of the whole operation. Behind him on bass, burning holes into the back of his skull, is Donghyuck's mortal enemy. Or he probably would be if Donghyuck had the time for that.
"What's even up with that?" Renjun asks him, lying upside down on Donghyuck's bed a few nights after the last practice. Renjun has a habit of mysteriously making his way into Donghyuck's room that makes him think he must have had a key copied at some point.
He had come home from his last class at six to find Renjun having made himself at home, books splayed out on Donghyuck's bed like he owned the place.
Renjun's presence in the band is a favour to Jeno completely. That, and he thinks he enjoys watching Donghyuck and Jaemin argue as a spectator sport.
"With what?" Donghyuck spins his chair around from his desk. His textbook lays unread on his desk, the words blurring together the more caffeinated and simultaneously exhausted he gets. It's hard trying to catch up, but he's too dedicated to fail. He needs this.
"With Jaemin," Renjun rolls his eyes, "Not that I don't find the whole fighting thing hot, but" He trails off, leaving Donghyuck to pick up the pieces.
There's a lot that Donghyuck could say. There's a lot he doesn't. That Jaemin ruined his life a little bit last year. That Jaemin actively enjoyed ruining Donghyuck's life a little bit, and did not hesitate to tell him that at the time or now. Maybe the fact he still refuses to apologise, and still enjoys rubbing salt in the wound when he gets a chance.
But all of these require exposition that Donghyuck isn't willing to give. It's too long a story, so he keeps it to himself.
"It's nothing. He's just a dick."
He is. Donghyuck knows he's far from the only person who doesn't love Jaemin, and he's probably not even the president of his anti-fan club at the moment. There's so much about him that's easy to hate, and Donghyuck is just vulnerable to that.
Not everyone has the same history that Donghyuck and Jaemin do, but Donghyuck almost doubts that's unique to him as well.
It feels silly to think about it for longer than it deserves.
Renjun rolls over in Donghyuck's bed, a subtle indication that Donghyuck should lie down with him. "You should work it out. It makes Jeno sad, you know?" Renjun also seemingly hasn't read a single page in around an hour, so it works out. Donghyuck, spins around to get up and sits on the bed with Renjun.
"Tell Jeno I'm sorry," He sighs, shifting so they're lying down on the bed together, awkwardly squished but comfortable. It had taken a little while in their friendship for Renjun to get used to Donghyuck's level of touchy, but now that they're there, it's nice that Donghyuck has this to enjoy. "I only ever see him when we're practicing. Even then, I don't, like, go out of my way to cause problems. I'm not showing up to his fucking house to fight him, you know?"
Renjun grins at the idea, "That sounds fun. I'd watch that. You should just throw rocks at each other, or something." It makes Donghyuck giggle too, leaning slightly into Renjun. He could fall asleep here. He probably will. "Just try to keep things calm. Or Jeno will kick you out of the band."
"He would never."
Renjun shakes his head, "He'll kick you both out. Then we'll all hang out at Chenle's without you. You'll never get to see Jisung again."
"Shut up."
Renjun leaves it be.
-
Donghyuck has a routine to keep him sane.
After a year of doing things out of sync, whenever he wanted to, he's built something up here that will keep him in line. Especially now that he has to go to practice.
Chenle lives a little while away from campus, in a house his parents pay for him to rent. It's nice enough, and it's downright grand compared to the dorms, but it's a bitch for Donghyuck to get to. Twenty minutes on a bus around fifteen minutes’ walk from his dorms. He walks down to the bus stop every Friday night, habit carrying him further than he would want it to, and he waits.
In the early autumn heat, everything feels so light, like the year hasn't even begun yet. Classes are commencing, everything is falling into place, but no matter how hard Donghyuck tries, the heat isn't something he's used to.
The guitar case in his hands is heavy, and he waits for the tell-tale headlights, running his tongue along his teeth. The bus isn't the most reliable, but it's the quickest one going out there, and it will do. He shuffles his feet slightly, checks his watch. He has time. There's room in the plan.
The sun is going down, casting warm orange light over him. Somewhere back home, it's already starting to cool down. Right now, he's melting in his jeans.
Every Friday he gets to go play shitty music with his friends, fuck up the notes, let his voice crack, and he pretends that it's all fine and fun. He gets to see Jaemin, gets to let Jaemin nitpick his every move until it feels like it'll all fall apart.
In five more minutes, the bus arrives exactly on time. Breathing in the warm air, Donghyuck faintly wishes that he had a car, or other way of getting around. It's not that it's much use, not when he lives on campus, but he yearns for the freedom. Yearns to not sit on these kind of disgusting bus seats.
Jaemin can drive, Donghyuck has seen his car. For Jaemin, it's shockingly run down and second hand, but it works. Sometimes he and Jeno ride together, and Donghyuck feels something dumb in the pit of his stomach, like he's missing out. He's not sure exactly what it is he feels he's missing, so he dismisses the thought as irrational. It makes him want to call Mark.
But still, Jaemin's car is probably one of the ugliest things he's ever seen. He doesn't get it, really. Jaemin's family is loaded, he's heard that slip more times than he can count, even when Jeno tries to obscure the details, and he's on his way to making a shit ton of money himself when he finishes school. The first time Donghyuck had seen it, he'd assumed it was some kind of practical joke, laughing until he was breathless even though they're not on the right footing to do that kind of thing.
The Jaemin thing is difficult to work with.
Donghyuck thinks it would be easier to point blank hate him. He's sure he does, in a way. Jaemin has proven himself to be cruel, calculating, and willing to target Donghyuck as if he's the runt. Whenever he smiles, wide and predatory, Donghyuck feels something in him twist, like he's witnessing something sinister, the end of the world and he's unable to stop it. He's got half the world under his spell and the other half out for blood.
Maybe Donghyuck is in between. But he makes a good show of it, the dislike, his own method of cruelty.
It could have been different, he's sure. There was never really a need for all this, playing up dislike and trying to make it hurt, but he dislikes Jaemin. Even if there hadn't been all that history, their personalities clash too much for Donghyuck to even fathom a world where they're fine. It would also be easier to like Jaemin if Jaemin cared more about being liked, especially by Donghyuck. If anything, Donghyuck is sure he enjoys whatever they're doing now more.
The bus ride is long enough, it feels even longer when he's thinking about this. He gets a text from Jaemin asking him to hurry up, and he ignores it. He's out of credit still, but he would have ignored it regardless. It's a mystery how Jaemin is a contact in his phone.
Even when the bus arrives, he has to make the walk to Chenle's, winding down endless streets until he actually has the right house, the route still feeling unfamiliar no matter how many times he follows it. Lugging his guitar case alongside him, he tries to be quick, but it's a comical display. He's not even late, but he wants to prove something, so he speeds up still, long legs striding on ahead.
And the sun is still up, but barely, the threat of sundown looming. It almost makes him start thinking about home again, but he's been trying to make a point of not missing it this year, so he keeps walking. He stumbles around the corner, until he recognises the street he's on, Chenle's house in sight, and he knows he's basically there.
More distinct is the ugly brown-red of Jaemin's car, lurking in the driveway like an unwelcome pest. Before Donghyuck gets lost in another internal monologue about just how hideous the car is, he notices that Jaemin is right there, and that Jaemin isn't actually alone.
That’s another thing, Jaemin has a girlfriend this year. Kind of.
Donghyuck isn’t sure if it's a relationship as much as it is a public flaunting of how Jaemin, despite everything wrong with him, can still get hot girls. Megan is already a perfect trophy wife, Victoria Secret angel pretty. At first, Donghyuck wasn't sure what kind of blackmail Jaemin had on her that made her even look his way twice.
Then he met her a few times, and kind of got it.
She's sitting on the hood of Jaemin's car, long-tan legs crossed as she giggles at something Jaemin said that is definitely nowhere near that funny. Like Jaemin, she's a Texas girl, and it shows, thick accent and all the mannerisms Donghyuck associates with that.
They're the most obnoxious couple alive in Donghyuck's eyes, and that's partially why, unless she's present, he mostly refuses to acknowledge her existence. They're the kind of couple that Donghyuck would probably feel embarrassed to be in, playing up the PDA for kicks, like they enjoy the way people are watching. It makes Donghyuck feel like a voyeur being in their vicinity.
It's not that Donghyuck dislikes her on a personal level, even if as a unit her and Jaemin are annoying, but rather that she's a bit too much like Jaemin for Donghyuck to ever get comfortable around her. And it gets kind of weird whenever she's around them as a group, making Donghyuck feel like he’s part of their foreplay.
It's dumb. It's too much emotion directed towards something he has absolutely no stakes in, and Donghyuck has to remind himself that, even when she wraps her legs around Jaemin's waist. He just doesn’t want to see that.
Jaemin doesn't look at him when he passes, and Donghyuck's not sure why he wants him to. At least, when he walks into the house, door unlocked and Jeno already setting up in the living room, the AC is on. He hopes, knowing it's futile, that she won't come in and sit while they practice. Donghyuck is bad enough without the extra attention.
Donghyuck looks away when he sees her take a deep drag, blowing smoke all over Jaemin's face, coy and grinning.
It's not jealousy or anything.
Of course, she hangs out the entire time.
Donghyuck isn’t exactly self-conscious about everything. He knows he's good when he's good, but when she sits in the living room, chilling on Chenle's couch, he makes an excuse about his throat being sore to not have to sing anything. He can tell that Jaemin is biting his tongue to say something to him.
He knows he's a decent guitarist, knows that when he thinks about it, he really gets into what he's doing. His fingers are quick. But Megan throws him off in a way he can't work out. Any spectator would, when he hasn’t worked out all the kinks yet. He wants to be good before anyone else sees him. It's not that he's messing up, but more that he can't settle into anything. He has to actively think about every note, chord, strum.
Historically on days like this, when Jaemin isn't alone, he'll try and pick some kind of fight with Donghyuck. Maybe more targeted than his usual hits, just constant criticism, trying to tear Donghyuck down in front of a captive audience who has no reason to think otherwise. It’s crazy, because he has no stakes in any part of Jaemin’s life.
But, he figures that Jeno must have said something to Jaemin too about the fighting, because he's holding back today, staying polite. Donghyuck is also playing nice, mostly because he caught Renjun's eye earlier, and as much as he likes to play, he doesn't actually like upsetting Renjun and Jeno. He omits Chenle, because he knows Chenle couldn't care in the least. He thinks Chenle might thrive off of the tension.
But Donghyuck has found ways to enjoy it all. Like being a kid again, back on the schoolyard, pulling each other's pigtails.
Their rehearsal is a little bit better than last time, at least, because last time had had a different weird edge than today. It felt a lot more like they were about to tip the scale into chaos rather than any kind of improvement, but when the edge wears off, they're less tired, and everything is a little easier. As much as Jaemin's girlfriend hinders Donghyuck, she's not a net negative over them all.
He feels off about it all, still.
The music thing is new. Switching his major to focus on music had been a kind of on a whim decision that he's still not sure will work out. He has not told his parents about it. It feels a little bit like a practical joke, majoring in Music is a recipe for unemployment, but here he is. He tries his best to make this sort of thing work, and this is making it work. He feels Jeno behind him, cramped into the living room, and when they play, he can hear the drumbeat, and he can hear the bass, and he feels it all. It’s in his veins.
They don't have many original songs, or anything close to that. Jaemin doesn't participate in the creative side of it at all, and he knows that he's never read anything that Donghyuck has given them. He's never considered any of the actual musical stylings Donghyuck has suggested either. He doesn't care.
So they stick to covers, and practicing, and jamming, then waiting for something to actually feel right.
Donghyuck wants to be good, he wants that more than anything. He pushes and pushes trying to get it but he feels like he's never quite there. And it's not like it's purely the band’s fault, but a little more harmony wouldn't hurt them.
He turns a little so he's facing Renjun instead, and he can see Jaemin's girlfriend in his peripheral vision. Lounging, carefree, texting or checking her phone. Irrationally, Donghyuck wants to hate her too. He wants to find something about her that sits wrong, see if her bleached hair is fried, see if she stumbles under pressure. She's unaware, obviously, of this intense critical eye Donghyuck has gained for her. Why would she be?
Chalk it up to his hate for Jaemin. He wants Jaemin to be unhappy, to be suffering and for his relationship to crash and burn as hard as Donghyuck's did last year. As badly as Jaemin helped Donghyuck's relationship die. It's selfish, and it's cruel, but he gets a sick pleasure out of the idea. He's never gotten his revenge, and Jaemin has just continued life, but Donghyuck has never forgotten, even if he doesn't tell anyone.
He plays a couple wrong notes, distracted. He wants to slink back into the corner again.
She sneaks out around ten minutes before they finish up, answering a phone call in some other room. Donghyuck feels his shoulders fall, relaxing into it a little more for the end. When Chenle calls it, because Jisung will be home in a minute, Renjun remarks that they ‘actually sound fine.’ Fine is the best they ever sound.
When he sets his guitar down, he feels relief to have the weight off of his shoulders. Jaemin glances over at him, eyes sharp, and Donghyuck knows they're falling back into routine again.
"Glad you showed up today." Jaemin begins, off hand. Picking at it, digging in. If Donghyuck were stupid, he'd step over and push him.
"Jaemin." Donghyuck groans, rolling his eyes "Not today." He glances over to Jeno who's gotten more tense, and feels bad.
"No, no, it's a compliment. You're improving so much, learning the basic concept of time-"
"Shut up," Donghyuck goes to stand by Renjun, retreats back, and Renjun just looks fucking tired. He tries to give him a strained glance, a way of saying see, it's not me! But Renjun doesn't meet it.
"Both of you stop. We're getting better, don't ruin it."
When Donghyuck knows Renjun won't help him he starts feeling like he's getting petty, muttering "Whatever. He started it." Like a child. He waits for whatever he gets back from Jaemin, not caring. He's trying to be nice and keep the peace but if Jaemin won't let him then fine.
"Are you twelve? Donghyuck, I-" He doesn't finish his sentence, cuts himself off and checks his phone. "Whatever," And Donghyuck watches him regain composure in real time, run a hand through his hair and groans. "Listen, I'm gonna run. You good to keep hold of my stuff, Jeno?"
He doesn't wait for a response, before he leaves, turning on the balls of his feet and storming out of the living room. Donghyuck let's out an incredulous laugh in the aftermath.
"What the fuck?" He asks, mostly the empty air, and Renjun shoots him a look.
"Don't."
He shrugs, and goes to help Chenle move the drum kit out of the way. Jeno seems more settled when Jaemin leaves still, and there's still around half an hour before Donghyuck would have to leave for his next bus.
"Does she have to be here?" He asks Renjun in the living room, who's mostly lounging around now. It's just the two of them. Jeno left almost as quickly as Jaemin did, and Chenle is elsewhere in the house. The AC hums around them. He tries not to get any mud on the carpet.
"No," Renjun hums, he can be cruel when he needs to be. "But play nice. It's good to have a fan."
"We don't deserve fans yet," Donghyuck tells him honestly, "If anything, this is bad press. She can tell everyone else how much we suck."
Renjun laughs, "Oh yeah? Well, if you want good press, you should stop fighting with her boyfriend. He probably complains about you to her."
He does his best to ignore something stirring in him at the thought of Jaemin bringing him up, existing in that context. He wants Jaemin pissed off and cruel. He wants his name on Jaemin's tongue, just to tell him that it has no right to be there, subtly excited to bother him. It's all a twisted fantasy at the end of the day, his revenge plans.
"Whatever," Donghyuck dismisses Renjun but still smiles, sighing as he falls down on the couch next to him. They're not as touchy now, not when everyone else is with them, but Donghyuck still leans in exaggeratedly towards Renjun, who shoves him away, "I feel like we should have rules. No fucking in Chenle's driveway?"
"No fucking in Chenle's in general. It would traumatise Jisung."
Donghyuck pouts and Renjun, "But what about us? You know I can't wait sometimes. You're just so sexy." And Renjun just swats him a few times in return, face screwing up in disgust at the idea.
Despite everything being relatively fine today, there have been worse practice sessions before, everything still feels off. He checks the time, and he still has a little bit before he needs to leave. Something feels off in the air, like he's awaiting bad news, or for the world to end.
It could be the heat, the way his arm sticks to the leather of Chenle's couch, or the way he can hear the echoes of every movement. The way that the scene keeps playing out in his mind, Jeno's disappointment, Renjun's dismissal. He wants to take Jaemin down.
Renjun is reading one of the magazines left on Chenle's coffee table, when Donghyuck forces himself to stand, stretching his legs out. "I'm gonna piss, then head home, okay?" It earns an uninvested hum from Renjun.
He wanders around the stretch of the house, past the kitchen where he can see Chenle unloading groceries, he’s assuming must have been there the full time, to the guest bathroom at the back. Chenle is rich enough to have a guest bathroom.
It all catches him off guard. He turns the corner and freezes.
Really, he shouldn't have put it past Jaemin to be getting a blowjob borderline out in the open in Chenle's fucking house, but of course Jaemin always knows how to prove that Donghyuck shouldn't underestimate him.
Technically, they're in a closet. But they're in a closet with the door completely open, next to the much more sensible choice of the bathroom.
Instead of fight or flight, Donghyuck freezes on the spot, just kind of staring incredulously. He shouldn't be here, and he should turn and leave back to the safety of Renjun’s company on the couch. Or, he should make his presence known, let Jaemin know how fucked up this is.
He can't believe he's spending his Friday night witnessing Jaemin get a fucking blowjob.
The very first thing he wants to do, actually, is shout out. He's horrified, and he doesn't deserve this, but the noise gets caught in his throat and comes out like a heavy sigh. This isn't even the first time he's walking in on Jaemin, and he doesn't know what he did in a previous life to deserve this, but it feels a little bit like overkill. He never wanted to see this again.
It also sucks that he's spent a little too much time lingering on the thought before. Not for personal gratification, but when you're stuck in the hole of self-hatred following your first ever boyfriend cheating on you, you linger on the image. The short scene was enough to last him a lifetime, but here he is, listening to the steady thud of his heartbeat in his ears. He's waiting for something to happen, but he's frozen. Cemented in place, Jaemin has made him a voyeur again.
Neither of them have noticed him, which is maybe a mercy, or something crueler like a punishment. He blinks. If he watches for too long, he could see the twitch of Jaemin's hips. Under no circumstances should he be standing here, and he feels so dirty and wrong, it makes him forget why he even left in the first place, why he's here.
He watches for just a second, even if it's a second too long. Jaemin's face, eyes closed, eyebrows tight knit together, mouth parted just slightly, to his arm stretching down and hand tensed, fingers gripping blonde hair. He wonders, like a sick person would, how it would feel. He's about to physically hit himself in the face, before he remembers that it would probably draw attention his way.
Donghyuck takes his first step back, about to actually leave now, when he hears Jaemin make a low noise, and watches him tense up. It's an image he didn't want, but now has. He feels like such a fucking pervert.
Beyond that, he feels a low, deep feeling of self-loathing, the type he only ever gets when he thinks about freshman year, how he came to know Jaemin.
He's borderline stumbling back to the living room. He's not sure if he's turned on or on the verge of throwing up. Renjun is still in there, staring out the window, confused.
"Dude, Jaemin's car is still here." He tells Donghyuck, trying to piece something together.
"Huh?" Donghyuck doesn't think he's actually capable of thinking right now.
Turning to look at Donghyuck like he's stupid, Renjun motions over to the car, still sitting there, with his head. "I thought he left? Is he fucking in Chenle's bed right now?"
"Oh." Donghyuck stares at the car, considers how much he can realistically say without looking weird. "I hope not." He settles on almost nothing. He doesn't want to have to elaborate on the fact that, for a minute there, he stood and watched as Jaemin got head for no good reason. He could have walked away earlier.
He probably should have been more observant, realised that Jaemin's car is still there the way Renjun has, but there was no sign of either of them, and it isn't Donghyuck's fault he didn't put two and two together. All he knows now is the image is burned into his brain, and he's also pretty sure that Jaemin might have some kind of exhibitionist thing. Both of these things are something he is going to have to work to navigate.
It settles into him. The next time he sees Jaemin, he's just going to have to keep it all up, knowing what he knows and having seen what he's seen. He's going to have to spit out some clever insult, while trying not to think too hard about the fact that he's seen Jaemin's dick inside of someone's mouth. His stomach tenses at the thought. He hates Jaemin.
If there's something weird in the way he rushes out, Renjun doesn't mention it. He picks up his guitar quickly, heading back for the front door. Renjun promises to stop by at some point soon and Donghyuck rushes through the goodbye, waving goodbye with a shaking hand.
When he leaves, Jaemin is back in the driveway. Donghyuck avoids his eye.
The journey back feels like it lasts hours, and when the bus stops he’s running home, long legs taking him as far as they possibly can. The faster he moves, the more he can pretend he didn’t see what he just saw.
Back in the dorms, he barely has time to drop his stuff back in his room before he's running off to the communal showers to scrub himself red raw. It feels like everything from the day has left itself on his skin, the sweat, sin and guilt needing to be cleaned away. It burns him.
It's just sex. That's what he tells himself to keep it from hitting too hard, and that's nothing new to him. He's seen blowjobs before, been on either end of blowjobs, and he's seen Jaemin having sex before, even if it was only in glimpses. It's nothing novel, he knows that his friends, and people he isn't really friends with, are having sex. But it's different to see it up close and personal, and it's different when it's Jaemin.
He tries to see some kind of upside. He can’t.
If Jaemin were less insane, then Donghyuck could probably use the whole thing as leverage. If it were anyone else, it would be humiliating. But then again, saying anything is admitting that he saw it, and he stood there and watched. If Jaemin's an exhibitionist, then Donghyuck is just as much a voyeur. It's mutually assured destruction, ammo for the both of them. It’s a Catch 22, he’s fucked either way.
Massaging the two-in-one shampoo into his hair, Donghyuck decides that he can literally never admit this to anyone. Ever. Not even Renjun. He can't let anyone know, because then he’s another step closer to losing. It's all part of that one big game, don't think he forgot about it.
It's not even a big deal. He doesn't even need to think about the way he now knows what Jaemin looks and sounds like when he's falling apart, getting close, and he won't under any circumstances let his mind get away from him, picture alternative scenarios.
The issue is, it’s more complicated than it seems.
Going back to before Donghyuck had ever met Jaemin, before he knew him, even if that seems a thousand years ago now, he had kind of been in awe of him. That’s not unique to Donghyuck, most people would be, he guesses. And it's embarrassing to get into now, now that he knows too much, has seen the reality of Jaemin in action. Besides, it was so fleeting it was barely there at all. He had gotten busy with his boyfriend before he ever saw Jaemin again, and Jaemin had gotten busy proving himself to be the worst.
He remembers it last year, the way Jaemin had smiled at him, callous and sinister, and with more teeth than Donghyuck had thought humanly possible. Donghyuck had wanted to knock them out one by one. Jaemin, this marble statue of a nineteen year old, could have had anything, and he chose Donghyuck's downfall. Any previous inclinations were overruled.
There were a few prominent emotions he felt today, involuntarily watching the act go down. Maybe the easiest was that pit in his stomach, mirroring the dread he had felt last year. The more difficult emotions are too lewd for the communal showers.
It’s not even that it’s necessarily Jaemin, or at least that’s what Donghyuck tells himself. It’s just been a while and to see something in real time without warning has kind of sent him down a weird pit. He doesn’t want to have sex with Jaemin, it’s just that Jaemin was part of the catalyst getting him to think about this whole thing. Besides, Donghyuck is a regular red-blooded guy, the thought of sex isn’t not going to turn him on.
He finishes up, and hopes that somehow his guilt doesn't show in every move he makes. He's half convinced that everyone in a seven or so mile radius knows exactly what he's done, and what he's thinking. There's not really a likelihood that anyone would guess this, but he stays wary.
His room is quiet, cool and neat when he gets back, aircon blasting. He's glad to see an empty room, he can't imagine even beginning to deal with someone else right now, not when his brain is so scrambled.
He throws on a pair of underwear and gets himself into bed, even though it's still early, and as usual thanks some distant god that he got a single room this year. Still, there's nothing to do. Everyone is busy, and it all feels too quiet in the wake of his inner turmoil. He stares at Mark's contact in his phone for a few seconds, before deciding against calling him.
He rolls over.
To make things worse, he's half hard.
That's just the result of thinking about sex for a little too long. Donghyuck is a lot of things, but he's also a guy, and Jaemin is many more things, but he's kind of hot in a generic way. A way that means Donghyuck could easily pretend that it’s someone else’s body on his mind. Donghyuck taps his fingers on his bedside table and thinks. He's restless and it's only going downhill.
Surely, he has to be going crazy. He could take time to pathologise this whole thing, he's sure, but he doesn't know if that would get him any further than he already is. Being clinically insane would just be crueler.
Really, he's probably just pent up. It's been too long, the last time being right before summer began, then he had to go back to Pennsylvania, where it was all out of the question. The specifics are all blurry, Donghyuck had been tipsy enough that the whole thing felt fucked up, and it had been in the midst of his heartbreak. He remembers broad shoulders, and a bright smile, and leaving half an hour after it was over, unable to sleep in an unfamiliar bed, in unfamiliar arms.
He could settle into this. He doesn't want to put on any porn, because the idea of actually seeing the sex, really visualising it, makes him feel kind of queasy after today. That, and he doesn't want to watch the same old gay for pay actors unenthusiastically thrusting for twenty minutes until Donghyuck feels like he's in the zone. He goes analog, closing his eyes, tries to think.
Spitting on his hand, Donghyuck resigns himself to this. Far from ideal, he tries to think back, anything, any old fantasies. Like in high school, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, imagining the young, cute substitute teacher, or whatever classmate had took his fancy that year. It was always different, always unique.
Donghyuck tries to picture the guy from last time, but it's so faint, he can only remember the sex itself. Pushed down against a stiff dorm mattress, face in his pillow, and strong hands keeping him in place, forcing Donghyuck to bend to his will. But the image is slipping from him, and he keeps having to reel it back in, when it starts shifting, when he's back in Chenle's house, but this time Jaemin is looking directly at him. This time Donghyuck is on his knees.
He blinks his eyes back open, anything to rid his head. He's about to start believing in demons, but he's so fucking hard. He tries to keep his mind blank, at least, when he cums, and tries to keep whatever body he's picturing nameless and faceless. He's not sure that he achieves that.
Expelling all guilt from his mind, because he didn't technically think about Jaemin, he cleans himself up with only a little more than the usual disgust. It's not like he deserves a pat on the back for this, because Jaemin was still definitely, slightly present during that, but he counts it as a part of his win for staying strong.
Pent up whatever aside, he'll be fine. And at the very least, he managed to finish up before whoever lives in the room next door starts having loud sex again.
-
His name doesn't matter anymore, now that's he's back off to New England to continue his life without Donghyuck in the equation, but Donghyuck's first boyfriend kind of royally fucked him up for a little.
And he was here once, so Donghyuck supposes he has to live with the aftermath of that. He's not sure there's anything gained there.
It went like this: Donghyuck was this wide eyed, shy freshman who wasn't sure what to do with himself, and this guy was a senior who showed the slightest interest in him. Donghyuck had met him at a party, a Philosophy major who could talk circles around him like it was a sport, and Donghyuck had never had less to say in response, could only let his mouth fall open, impressed. He had never met anyone like him.
On top of that, it was part of Donghyuck's grand plan back in high school to just be gay in college. Every time he started to panic, or worry, he would remind himself that his best option was to wait it out. Only, when he arrived at college he found himself feeling inexperienced. Suddenly that mythical ‘later’ had arrived, and he had forgone any kind of teenage experimentation, and thrown himself into the deep end. He didn’t know how to pursue someone.
But this guy had found Donghyuck, like spotting him in a crowd and taking him back to mold him into something great. People back home weren't homophobic, necessarily, they were always open to the idea of being gay, but he'd never met someone who was quite so cool about it, who didn’t flinch, just treated it like what it was: sex, for the most part. And some other things.
It's dumb.
And Donghyuck didn't exactly make it the easiest for himself, he could have probably chosen a more liberal state, but it was either follow Mark to Texas or figure out his own school to go to. He chose the former. When you're eighteen, and too scared to be gay in Texas, because you're too new to work out the kinks of that experience, it's nice to have some kind of guide, someone who's willing to show you the way.
It's no wonder that Donghyuck fell for it, hanging onto every word, every touch. He thought he had his bed made for him.
It's also easy, when it's over, to try and find reason in the way that Donghyuck felt, the practicality of the relationship. It’s what he’s doing now, finding the logic in everything he felt, in an experience that was illogical for the most part. Donghyuck had liked him. There was no rationality about it at the time, that came later.
And it lasted a good six months. Half a year of his life spent thinking some fucking guy was God's gift to earth. And it had been good. The security of it all was nice, and Donghyuck supposes the whole thing helped him get more comfortable with the gay thing. But then it wasn't good anymore, and Donghyuck was staring at missed calls with his hands shaking. He’s never been so angry in his life, to this day. He’s tried, since, but nothing gets him there.
In the end, the ex left without much of a fuss, and Jaemin had stood there at the end of the year with a smug smile, wishing Donghyuck a happy summer. Donghyuck doesn't get his game.
Maybe it's not so much visceral hate, because that's difficult to maintain, but the way Donghyuck feels for Jaemin goes beyond words sometimes.
He wants to make Jaemin suffer, wants him to feel any part of what Donghyuck felt going into the summer. He hasn't worked out how yet, but he's sure some day he'll find a way.
Maybe the context is unnecessary, but it's all Donghyuck has left.
It's not like it matters, and maybe it should be something he leaves in the past, moving on and getting better, but it still stings him some days. His ex sucks, and so does Jaemin for his part in all of this.
He doesn't know why he doesn't talk about it either. He's sure if he let it slip to Renjun what actually happened, Renjun would be on his side, form a coup, get rid of him. But he doesn't want that. Maybe he craves that connection to Jaemin, a real method of breaking him down.
Donghyuck wants to win. He’s tired of waiting for his chance.
This Friday, though, they're not practicing, they're going to one of Mark's parties.
It matters, because this was the scene of the crime last year, Donghyuck drunk out of a brimful red solo cup, and on the verge of tears, unable to say why. Donghyuck has avoided them since, call him bitter. Not tonight, though, because Mark phoned him personally to invite him, and asked him to bring friends, so that he will do.
It's not that he's not a partier, or that he's dead sober, or whatever. He doesn't love it as much as he did when he first got here, but it's nothing he stays away from. This used to be how he spent every Friday, bored and hot and waiting in these crowded rooms for something to happen. It's an escape. His coursework is piling up, and Donghyuck still can't fucking compose.
He does need to get out. Most of his socialising these days is limited to the people he sees often, and even within that it's mostly Renjun by way of Renjun breaking into Donghyuck's room semi regularly. A huge chunk of it is also probably arguing with Jaemin once a week. He needs to actually talk to normal people, people outside that little subset.
On another note, he needs to get laid.
It's not the easiest task, not here, but if Jaemin of all people can somehow manage to pick up a guy at one of these parties, then so can Donghyuck.
It's actually his main motivator to go out, cruising one of Mark's fucking parties, he just needs to find someone there who's normal, maybe kind of hot, and go back to theirs for a night. He feels either like he's in a rut or he's going fucking insane. Thinking about Jaemin when he's getting off isn't normal.
And ever since that night he's had it at the back of his mind, subtly making him feel guilt anytime he starts to consciously think of it.
To Donghyuck's luck, though, or maybe skill, he's managed to keep that entirely to himself, not even Renjun knowing about it. It’s good for him. For now, too, Jaemin definitely doesn't know, because Donghyuck has done nothing to indicate that he would do this, or think about this, let alone watch him in the moment.
He pulls on clean clothes, trying not to stare at himself too hard in the mirror. It's been a while since he tried, and he's not sure what he usually relies on, drunk and grinning like whoever he's talking to is the funniest person alive. His desk light flickers like heat lightning, and the sun goes down outside, but everything stays warm.
Donghyuck likes Texas, he wouldn't still be here if he didn't. But he's not a Southern boy. He had thought at first that the heat would do him good, he's spent so many years in the cold that he needs something new. But he's not really suited for it, not all the time. He runs too hot already, so the balance gets all messed up.
He messes up his damp hair in his hand, tries to fix his bangs to look normal, and part them out of his eyes. He needs a haircut, the hair on the back of his neck brushes and tingles. If he were still back home, he'd have cut it a long time ago, but when he's here there's so much else to worry about. That, and he likes how it feels to run his fingers through it, so he hasn't gotten around to changing anything.
He gives up on his bangs, which keep falling in front of his eyes anyway.
Mark's house isn't far from the dorms, which is good because it means an easy escape if he wants one, no finding lifts or getting the last bus.
And he knows Jaemin will be there, so it's important for him to have a way out. He hasn't made it clear what's happened, but that doesn't mean he wants to risk Jaemin finding him out.
The fighting hasn't stopped, they just keep it confined to when it won't upset the others too much. But it's sort of futile. Petty jabs work their way into every group conversation, and Jaemin's new favourite tactic is to start complimenting Donghyuck facetiously, voice dripping with sarcasm in a way that makes Donghyuck want to curl up, or punch him. In turn, Donghyuck has stayed tame, worried that at some point he'll accidentally let a dig slip that's a little too specific, call him a pervert o something.
It's dumb. He shouldn't have a B-Tier nemesis in college, he's way too old for that shit, but here he is. He knows that he has his own shit, that he's hot and cold, too put away and too intense when he gets comfortable, but that's just how he is. He's not doing it to start shit. Jaemin threw the first real punch, and Donghyuck is just scrambling to get another hit in, fight back until he's crowned the winner.
He won't lose again, not like he did as a freshman, before he got good at this. He knows Jaemin now, it's not as much of a wild card, and he knows exactly how he's going to win.
It shouldn't matter. It was never about what they said it was about. They were never fighting over anyone, because Donghyuck gave it all up the second he could, and the object of their mutual desire is long gone. But they're still here, standing, staring at each other like it would change something. He imagines Jaemin breaking, snarling, hitting him, because that would be a lot easier than what they have now. It's too dumb, too complicated and too hurt. He wants to cower in the corner, and he wants to smash his fist against Jaemin's nose and ruin his pretty face.
But he stays composed, has to be the rational one. It's the cross he bears. When Jaemin is bitchy, and critical, and indirect, then he gets away with it fine, but Donghyuck doesn't get that. He just has to sit back and smile and hope to beat him one day.
Donghyuck gets there earlier than any of his other friends, except for Mark, because it's his party. Kind of.
It takes Donghyuck a few minutes to actually find him, pushing through everyone until he's in the kitchen, every familiar face blurry. He's only seen Mark a few times since classes started up, even though they spent the summer together.
It's not like Mark is hard to find though, beaming in the corner, somehow catching the light right in every moment. He's talking to someone Donghyuck is sure he's also met, one way or another, but he can't remember any names. It's kind of like that with Mark's people here at school, a ton of names and faces that Donghyuck can never properly put together no matter how many times Mark tries to help him with it.
Mark spots Donghyuck before he even makes his way over properly, and waves, smile bigger than ever. It's kind of funny all things considered, but Donghyuck makes walks over to stand in the corner. Mark gives him the most frat bro hug Donghyuck has ever experienced, and he almost laughs there too.
"You came!" Mark exclaims, like it's that much of a shock, and Mark's friend shoots Donghyuck a quick smile before slinking away, "Dude, I was worried you weren't gonna. I told everyone you were coming, though."
Donghyuck isn't quite sure who everyone is, but that's fine. He just shrugs, smiling at the ground, "It's been too long. I needed to get out."
It's clear from the way he's moving that Mark is already pretty drunk, and Donghyuck is not. "Far too long, oh my god. You should come hang or something soon, we can smoke or do nothing. I haven't seen you at all recently."
As aware of that as Donghyuck has been, he's also realising that in the haze of everything happening in his own life, even as mundane as it is, he hasn't really had much time to miss Mark this year. Which isn't too big a deal, but it's maybe a sign things are changing. Either that or he's spending far too long thinking about the space that Jaemin occupies in his life. It should be none at all.
Mark reaches over, tossing him a can of beer from a six-pack that was sitting cut open on the counter. It's lukewarm.
The night progresses quickly, the music too loud no matter where in the house he's standing, and no matter how much he drinks he still feels too sober to be here. It's too early to call it a night and leave, but Mark gets busy really quickly, everyone and their mother seemingly wanting to talk to him, and that leaves Donghyuck making small talk with people he knows tangentially.
In the early Autumn heat, his t-shirt sticks to his skin, and it's worse in the crowd. He knows Renjun and Chenle arrived together a little while ago, but have since left off to do whatever it is they do together at these things.
It's not that the parties are bad. They're parties. But if he doesn't get drunk, quickly he spends the rest of the night trying to get to a decent point, somewhere that won't feel shit for him and that would make socialising all that much easier. It really has been too long, he used to know how to do this.
But the aimlessness of it all gives him an objective, something to strive towards; get laid. Having fun is an afterthought.
It's been a tough little while, and he deserves it. Besides, if Jaemin even comes to mind at all when he's getting off, no matter the surrounding context, then he knows it's been far too long since he slept with someone.
If he's going to succeed, he needs to push past the setting, push past the walls and force himself into feeling comfortable. He can do it if he really tries, drink in hand on the back porch with a drink in hand. The night gets cooler by the second, closer and closer to manageable. The lights are dimming until he feels closer and closer to being in the right place for once.
Gamifying it can't be good for him, but it helps.
Another motivator, as it always has to be, is Jaemin being here. It's not really about Jaemin, this time, and more what Jaemin represents to him. It shouldn't be the issue that it is, but if it's going to cause him problems then he has to manage it accordingly.
Jaemin is always at these things. Campus is big, but never as big as Donghyuck needs it to be, and so everyone is mutual friends with everyone, and he knows Jaemin and his girlfriend arrived about an hour ago, clinging to each other like they were going to be forced apart. It brings back images that Donghyuck's trying to repel, smiles politely when she says hi to him in the kitchen. It's unfair to her, he supposes, that he kind of hates her in tangent with the whole Jaemin thing, but she's kind of a problem for him. Especially now that she's, partially, caused this whole not-quite fantasy that Donghyuck has been having.
It's really not her fault, but unfortunately Donghyuck has made his mind up.
When the other smokers come out, in a drove all at once, the back porch gets packed again, and Donghyuck's cigarette burned out long ago. Jaemin hasn't said a word to him yet, stayed completely silent when their paths crossed earlier, and Donghyuck just supposes they're keeping their distance tonight. It's no issue for him, since avoiding Jaemin is probably the best course of action all things considered.
There are some faces here that are familiar, people he knows live in his building and people he's shared classes with before, but nothing that really stands out to him as someone to talk to. It has its upsides though, he doesn't know anyone here well enough that it'll embarrass him tomorrow, no matter what he says. He sticks his tongue to the roof of his mouth, runs it over his teeth, and wishes he had something now to bite down on.
The music is bad, and loud, pounding bass gets him like a trance, walking from room to room until he's back where he began, in the living room with feet treading on worn down carpet. Jeno is on the other side of the room, already smiling easy and chatting someone up. Donghyuck considers sliding up and joining the conversation for the sake of being less awkward, but decides to be kind to Jeno. He feels that's owed at least.
He blinks once, twice, drink warm in his hands, and rests by the stairs, waiting for someone to think he looks good enough to talk to.
If it's been a while, then it doesn't show, because he picks his target soon enough. Across the room, not quite a mutual friend but someone Donghyuck is aware of. The name escapes. It's mostly because Donghyuck knows he's gay, it's not like it's a big deal but that kind of thing travels. Plus, he's hot. Lean, killer smile, and this clean-cut look, straight out of a teen magazine.
When Donghyuck catches his eye, mostly just by staring until he's noticed, he knows he's won already.
Donghyuck isn't cocky, he's just good at this when he needs to be. He can say less, and do more, and get it all over with. He's just lucky he doesn't have to wait for it tonight, when the guy saunters over, interest evident.
After he tells Donghyuck his name around three or so times, Donghyuck gives up, but doesn't lose his own interest. The guy studies something boring and complex, some kind of computer engineering, and so Donghyuck goes all wide eyed and feigns understanding. Luckily for him, the other guy loves to hear himself talk, chatting for a good twenty minutes while Donghyuck puts on his best act. It's kind of easy, Donghyuck doesn't even really need to flirt, just needs to keep on listening like it will help him.
The guy is hot enough to get away with it anyway, bright white teeth gleaming when he laughs at his own joke, and a pretty-boy face that Donghyuck wants to be kissing already. When he places a hand on Donghyuck's side, not quite his hip, Donghyuck glances around quickly.
It's not like it's anything serious. Donghyuck isn't concerned for his safety or whatever, but he still doesn't want to hook up with someone in front of the judgmental gaze of his peers. And even if everything is innocuous enough, he doesn't want to be one of the guys making out with another guy at a party, keeps it to the side, to his own bed. His hand stays there, not moving lower, and Donghyuck feels that distant twinge of excitement, going he's finally going to get laid. after so fucking long.
Donghyuck listens for a little more, before the guy eventually grabs Donghyuck's empty can. "I'm gonna get another drink. Same for you?"
What a gentleman.
It's giving Donghyuck an out, he supposes, but it's not really an out he's going to take. He's out of Donghyuck's league, but it's slim pickings out here, and Donghyuck is someone he hasn't slept with before. Donghyuck can see his logic, doesn't take any offense to it. He stands slightly taller than Donghyuck, tan, from somewhere around here, if not Texas then still the south, and Donghyuck wonders just how fit he is from his scholarship sport, which he mentioned as well.
So obviously, Donghyuck stays put.
He's finally feeling drunk, warm and content, leaning back against the wall and the lights get kind of fuzzy. It's pleasant. The night is cool, but heating up, and he doesn't love it like that, but it has its moments. Donghyuck doesn't think he'll stay the full night over at this guy's, but maybe he'll stay for a little while. He'll be gone before morning.
"Alone?" A voice beside him asks, and Donghyuck jumps a little at first, not paying attention, then he sighs again.
"Hi, Jaemin."
Jaemin is grinning, and he's kind of drunk. Donghyuck can tell when Jaemin's been drinking, because he can always see it in his eyes, sparkling, less perceptive, and then he gets more goading, tries to start something with Donghyuck.
Donghyuck doesn't see him like this often, quite honestly tends to try and avoid Jaemin at these things. Donghyuck likes bickering, likes the fight, but only when there's nothing behind it. With Jaemin, he gets so genuinely mad that it just ruins his mood for the night. Drunk Jaemin is always overconfident, and unpleasant, and Donghyuck knows that tipping the scales just leads to another argument.
In fact, Jaemin was drunk when they met. It feels like another life now, before anything ever happened, but Jaemin had been grinning in that same way. Donghyuck had also been drunk, or at least drunk enough to be mesmerised. He erases that part from their history.
"Having fun tonight then?" And even if Jaemin isn't sober, Donghyuck can still tell this is the voice he uses to make fun of Donghyuck. He has his tones. Obviously he would never talk to Donghyuck using the same tone he uses for Jeno, who he talks to like they already share a brain, but even calm, friendly are too much for Donghyuck. He's downright nice to Renjun, whenever Jisung is home at Chenle's Jaemin is adoring. But whenever he's with Donghyuck, it's like he's sizing him up, going for the kill.
Jaemin's so calculated about the way he hates Donghyuck, and Donghyuck doesn't know what he ever did to earn it.
If everything is so calculated, which Jaemin makes it feel like, then Donghyuck wonders why he's never been given a clear reason for the way they are. Throwing punches in the form of bitter comments, of cruelty, of fucking Donghyuck's boyfriend where he could find them. There's no filter, no intelligence, and Donghyuck wishes he could find logic there, pathologise the both of them and move on from it, but Jaemin hides everything he does, esoteric reasoning and enough to frustrate Donghyuck.
Dongyuck wishes he knew Jaemin well enough to understand, but knowing Jaemin is out of the question now. All they have is adolescent cruelty, schoolyard bullying.
When Donghyuck talks to Jaemin, he gets all tense and upset, lets his worst self show. It's not that he spends every moment trying to understand the Jaemin thing, some things are beyond his comprehension no maatter what, but it doesn't mean it leaves him unscathed. If it were passionate hate, if he spent his every waking moment plotting on his downfall, at least that would be something, but all he gets here is a few sleepless nights and the inability to relax around his friends.
"Oh, a ton. Why?" Donghyuck keeps his back to the wall, protects himself, but his hands linger awkardly by his sides when he has no drink to hold.
Jaemin's smile widens, hundreds of rows of teeth on show, and Donghyuck feels like this must be what staring at a shark feels like. "You were talking to a guy in one of my programming classes. Friend of yours?"
Donghyuck rolls his eyes. "No. Not at all." He tries a little to act nonchalant, but the accusation is dripping from Jaemin's voice, even if he doesn't say it aloud, "Not that that's your business."
"I didn't know he was your type," Jaemin is smiling still as he says it, like he knows something that Donghyuck doesn't.
Raising an eyebrow, Donghyuck folds his arms to his chest, "I don't know what you're talking about."
And, to make it worse, Jaemin just stares at him, actually eyes him up and down as if assessing him, and Donghyuck feels so small. They're basically the same fucking height, and Jaemin still brings him down another foot. Something itches in the base of his spine, telling him to fight back.
"Oh, nothing. Just realising something," But he doesn't elaborate on anything. Actually, Jaemin shifts gears, "You look good tonight, you know?"
Donghyuck looks away, uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this. He knows Jaemin is doing it to mock him, and not from anything else, and usually Donghyuck would wave it off, but as of recently it's kind of fucking with him. It's a little different, he guesses, when he's starting to feel weird about Jaemin.
"Where's your girlfriend?" He asks instead. He knows Megan is here, and hopes that would be enough to shut Jaemin down, quickly changing the topic. If anything, Jaemin is what Donghyuck came here to distract himself from, not that he'd ever give Jaemin the satisfaction of knowing that.
Jaemin leans against the wall, practically crowding in against Donghyuck, "Oh, she's around. Why?" He's smiling, predatory, and this doesn't mean anything, but something sparks. The feeling runs down his spine, like a shiver, and he wants to punch Jaemin, and he wants- Well, maybe it's best to ignore what Donghyuck wants.
Looking over, Jaemin's eyes are dark, so dark he has to look away immediately, but his expression is so close to decipherable. Still, it stumps Donghyuck. He huffs, looking down at his hands.
"I dunno, maybe you should be paying attention to her and not me?"
Jaemin laughs at him, leaning in a little more. Too close for comfort, too close for anything, "Why, 'Hyuck? Afraid of me? Don't like having me around?"
Faces right next to each other, breathing the same air, Donghyuck turns to face him again. His heart races a little more, a litttle bit quicker, "Don't play stupid." He can see Jaemin's face in detail, pale and perfect, gazing down like he could kill Donghyuck, like he wants to eat him.
"Or, are you scared I'm gonna-"
Mid-threat, the guy from earlier, the guy from Jaemin's class he guesses, returns holding a beer in each hand, standing awkward like he's interrupting something. Donghyuck moves away quickly to indicate he's not. Donghyuck hadn't realised how close he was standing to Jaemin until now, and quickly course corrects
"Uh-" He looks between Donghyuck and Jaemin, like he's wondering if he should cut his losses, and Donghyuck rolls his eyes, turns to Jaemin again.
"Okay, you can go away now." He smiles as he says it, keep it venomous and sweet, but even then he can hear the way that he just sounds tired at the end. Keeping pace with Jaemin is draining. He can't think of any reason why he might do it. It's almost easy to deal with him when he's being mean, because that's what Donghyuck's used to, but when he gets flirty, everything flips. It's Jaemin's game he's playing now.
It doesn't happen often, really. Jaemin is mostly unkind, but he saves his cruelty for special occasions.
But Jaemin knows time and place, he guesses, so he flashes one last smile, gorgeous and inhuman. "I'll see you soon, 'Hyuck."
Nothing settles Donghyuck, in fact the whole interaction felt like an omen and has left him feeling worse than he started.
When Jaemin is gone, he takes his drink from the guy, "Thank you. Sorry about him."
"You know Jaemin?" The guy asks, intrigued in a way that makes Donghyuck want to groan. He doesn't.
"Just my bandmate, we're not close."
"You're in a band? Woah."
Donghyuck grins up at him, leaving thoughts of Jaemin and their conversation behind. He can work with this, he's back on track again.
Before he knows it, he's on the move again. They talk for another few minutes, meaningless stuff, but Donghyuck has his eyes set on this guy, who's name he's accepted he will never learn, and finds himself agreeing easily when he suggests they go outside for a smoke.
They never get that cigarette lit, Donghyuck is pulled around the side of the house, and crowded up against the wall, harsh kisses trailing down his jaw. It's what he wants.
Donghyuck glances around quickly to make sure the coast is clear, and it is, just barely. He's not really the kind of guy for PDA, or kissing anywhere except specific designated safe locations. The side of a frat house does not feel safe in his mind, but here he is. It's nowhere near as dimly lit as Donghyuck might like it to be, porchlights still shining on them as well as lights dotted around, keeping them slightly illuminated.
Even still, the silence, them being alone, it's not enough to get his nerves to go away, and he feels it on his skin even when they're kissing, even when he licks into Donghyuck's mouth. Donghyuck tastes beer, and like he always does, runs a hand up to grip the hair at the back of the guy he's kissing's neck. In response, the hand on his hips trail up, up, up Donghyuck's t-shirt, a cold hand on hot skin.
He's not focusing, even when there are lips on his neck, and his head falls back with a sigh. He feels like a sitting duck.
Still, even in the silence, he feels watched. He knows he's at a party in Texas, and he would rather just go home with someone than draw out all the public shit. He moves his hand down, reaching to tug at the guy's sleeve and ask him to take him home, with big eyes and an open mouthed invitation, when he notices something.
There's someone fucking watching them.
It's not insanely dark, but it's not bright so at first he can't really see, just feels his heart start to race quicker, gets ready to spring apart like a kid caught doing something he shouldn't, but he's frozen.
And he stares. Hazy eyed int the night, trying to put pieces together, why he's not moving, who is even watching. At first, he worries it's Mark, and feels his stomach sink even further, but on closer look, it's not. He knows exactly who it is.
To his utter humiliation, Jaemin has followed them and is just staring. Like a freak would.
It's counterproductive to keep going. He's doing this to try and stop himself from focusing so much on the Jaemin Thing, and this should be totally turning him off right now. He should stop this all right now and walk away, cut his losses.
But he doesn't.
He's not really putting on a show, because it's too dark to do that, but Jaemin is lit by the porch, and the lights that shine down from the neighbours and the room, dim glow casting huge shadows. Every move feels consequential. He throws his head back further still, eyes trained on Jaemin. He's not even sure why. Revenge? Getting him back for whatever happened at Chenle's?
He wants to prove himself a little. That despite everything, despite the way things ended, Donghyuck had the final say, and he's fucking good.
Jaemin starts off staring at him blank faced, and Donghyuck can't figure it out, until Jaemin realises that Donghyuck has noticed him, catches his eye. His lips spread out, pulling up into an almost sinister smile, axe-murderer mad, and Donghyuck just knows that he's feeling smug. Donghyuck isn't sure what his angle is, why he's doing this, but he can't let Jaemin win, even now. He cannot crumble, even under Jaemin's watchful eye.
He reaches his hand up again, tries to run his fingers through the cropped hair of the guy attacking his neck, arching slightly. No, he's not putting on a show, but he's having fun.
Like he has all the time in the world, Jaemin is lighting a cigarette. He's only really a few feet away, close enough at least that Donghyuck can watch as Jaemin's face is illuminated by the lighter, so, so briefly. It feels so wrong. Donghyuck doesn't ever want a part in whatever exhibitionist, voyeuristic thing that Jaemin has going for himself, but he can't help it. His body has been out of sync with his brain all week, and as much as he tries to ignore it, he still knows what Jaemin looks like when someone's blowing him.
Now, when his inhibitions are low, and he's feeling so much more stupid, he remembers the way it all turned him on. Jaemin is staring him right in the eye.
And, god, Jaemin's girlfriend is somewhere in there, or around, maybe looking for him. But Jaemin is out here, and he's staring Donghyuck down like a vulture, and Donghyuck feels like he's dead already.
Still oblivious, the guy moves back to kissing Donghyuck, and why would he know anything at all? He closes his eyes, lets the world spin for a moment, and is half sure when he opens them again that Jaemin will be gone completely.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing needs to make sense, and it shouldn't. That's why he's here, looking for some unfamiliar body that can help him move on from whatever baggage he's carrying, especially the fact that Jaemin has been getting a little too mixed up in his sexual feelings recently. But he opens his eyes, still kissing, and Jaemin is still there, watching.
He's twisting at an almost awkward angle. Not enough to be suspicious, but enough that he's actually performing for Jaemin now now, some kind of newfound confidence pushing him forward. Jaemin meets his eye, and smiles, blowing out the smoke. Donghyuck is overwhelmed, not really knowing what he wants out of this, or what he wants at all.
It's because he's drunk. Everything is because he's drunk, and hot, and desperate, and he needs this. Jaemin is taking advantage of him in a vulnerable state. If he were sober, this would never be happening. But he's not.
Donghyuck isn't into the public thing, or being watched, like Jaemin so clearly is, but the thrill of this pushes past the initial anxiety. The only person watching is Jaemin. He pushes his hips up a little bit, and sighs into someone else's lips. It feels fucking shameless. He can't imagine a time where he didn't want Jaemin out of his life, but now he's worried that if he gets distracted, Jaemin will leave.
And, as for Jaemin, he's staring at Donghyuck like he wants him. Donghyuck is realising it's not new, he just hadn't figured it out before.
The same look, made clear before they ever met proper, reflected in bathroom mirrors, from the side of the room when Donghyuck is busy fussing over something else, this was never supposed to be noticed. His blood keeps flowing, and his body thrums with electricity, feeling alive, feeling thrilled.
Later, he'll ignore this bit, like the idea of Jaemin wanting him doesn't give him a sick thrill, and he'll go back to pretending that all the flirting is mockery, and that all the looks are hatred. But not now. This is something that can only ever be silently acknowledged by the two of them now.
Dark eyes watch him, eyes like black holes, like they want to destroy everything, and consume Donghyuck in the process. They're placed so firmly, and Donghyuck knows that he's going to go home with this guy, and not with Jaemin. Jaemin will probably leave with his girlfriend, oh my God Donghyuck forgot about her, and they'll think about this the full time. It adds to everything.
He gives in. Closes his eyes and turns back into the kiss, he doesn't think about who he's imagining. Everything is dark, nondescript, and inoffensive. When he pulls away, he gets another good look at who he's actually kissing, and not Jaemin. Nice, neat, handsome, and not anyone he knows well.
"My place?" He asks Donghyuck, but he already knows the answer. Donghyuck smiles, could start giggling probably, and glances over. Jaemin is retreating, like he knows the show is over, but before he does, he winks one last time at Donghyuck. Like a cliche.
Donghyuck goes home with the guy from Jaemin's class.
When Donghyuck stumbles back early in the morning, it probably shouldn't shock him to see Renjun lying on his bed, above the covers, and reading through someone else's blog on his laptop.
Although Donghyuck and Renjun stay in the same building, there's not really any doubt that Renjun sees Donghyuck's room as a kind of second home at this point. Also, he definitely has a fucking key to Donghyuck's room at this point, because there's no way that he would be in here so often if he didn't. Back last year, Donghyuck would react more to finding Renjun in his room. Now, he doesn't really mind. Even if he's only seen Renjun's room around twice their entire friendship. Renjun chalks that up to his roommate kind of sucking, but Donghyuck isn't sure that he buys it.
"Hi," He kicks off his shoes by the door with a sigh, pushing his jeans down so he's in his t-shirt and underwear, and basically crashes on the bed next to Renjun, who flinches in response, as if it's a shock that Donghyuck is in his own room tonight. He would usually feel weirder about being in a kind of state of undress around Renjun, but right now he's too tired to care.
"Hey, back from prostituting yourself?" Renjun asks, scootching over in the bed to give Donghyuck more room. He's tired, and the sex was fine but not really what he was looking for, and so he can't really stop himself from draping an arm around Renjun, trying to cuddle in without being too annoying or obvious.
"Mmh, fuck off," Donghyuck says into Renjun's t-shirt, over tired and undersatisfied. Renjun let's him, not quite cuddling back but letting Donghyuck do what he wants, "I'll kick you out."
"You won't," Renjun tells him, reaching up semi awkwardly to run his fingers through Donghyuck's hair, pushing his bangs out of the way. Donghyuck kind of just wants to sleep, but at the same time, he wants to stay up for Renjun. "How was he?"
"Had better," He sighs, "It's not- I thought I needed to get laid. Now I'm thinking I have other issues as well. Why are you even here?"
He asks it harshly, but he would much rather Renjun stays. Donghyuck, for someone who doesn't actually have a lot of people over, much prefers to have someone in his bed. Renjun is always happy to fill the role. It’s just difficult.
In the calm night, the party is long over, and everyone has long gone home. Or to Donghyuck's room, if you're Renjun.
"Roommate. Didn't think you'd be back tonight, to be honest," Renjun tells him, but Renjun is unfamiliar with how Donghyuck gets about hookups, that whole over and done with move on thing. It makes him feel bad sometimes, running away all the time, but he just can’t sleep in an unfamiliar bed.
Donghyuck got a solo room completely by accident, a glitch in the system, but a lucky one. He supposes that doesn't mean much when Renjun is always here, though.
"We can sleep," Donghyuck tells him, already turning in, mumbling. Renjun hums and Donghyuck can feel his chest vibrate.
"Tired yourself out, huh?" Renjun asks him, and even in the dark Donghyuck can tell he's smiling.
He rolls over, "Shut up," But it's too cramped a space to really go anywhere. He's stuck pressed against Renjun anyway.
"Before you pass out," Renjun has a kind of lazy arm around him, and Donghyuck feels himself already coaxed into sleeping, even if he's still half dressed. "Want some gossip?"
Turning back, now interested, to face Renjun, Donghyuck looks at him. Renjun sits up a little, giddy to have Donghyuck's attention, and his voice has the usual tone he has when he gets to tell a story about one of their mutual friends.
"Anyone dead?"
Renjun shakes his head, but his smile doesn't subside. Donghyuck's eyes are growing used to the dark, and he's able to make everything out better. "No, but they could have. Kind of."
"Keep going."
Renjun is fully sitting, and Donghyuck shifts so he's looking up at him. "Jaemin got in a fight."
Like a flash, Donghyuck sits upright. He's red in the dark remembering Jaemin and his weird fucking stand off a few hours earlier, but that's nothing. "And I missed it?"
Regaining enthusiasm properly, Renjun laughs, quiet and tired. "I didn't see it either, it was over pretty quick. I think he lost."
"Jaemin got his ass kicked. Renjun, and I wasn't there? Does Mark not have a camera or something?" Donghyuck tries to picture it, and it is so deeply funny to him that he's fully of energy again.
Renjun shrugs, shaking his head, "Yeah, I only saw the aftermath. I was, like, with Chenle and Jeno on the couch, like a little after I last saw you? Maybe an hour? But, yeah. We're just hanging out, and then there's this shout from the kitchen, and Jeno just jumps. Like he knew."
Donghyuck doesn't have any issues imagining it. Jeno and Jaemin have their own language, and a sixth sense about each other, it's something that scares him when he sees it. He'll never really get it, but he's pretty sure they share a nervous system. Whenever Jaemin gets hurt, Jeno feels it.
Dongyuck hums, to tell Renjun to keep going.
"It was over by the time I was there, but I think they went for it. Jaemin says he didn't start it, but he also just kind of stormed out. I've never seen him so mad." Renjun twists, pulling up the corner of his t-shirt to show a small rust stain, "There was blood."
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah." Renjun smiles, falling back down onto the bed, and Donghyuck goes with him, rolling in close again.
It's already too warm in the room, the AC is on but kind of futile, but he doesn't mind being close with Renjun. "Do you know why?"
Shrugging, Renjun lets Donghyuck settle back in. "Something about Jaemin's girlfriend, I think. Dunno, heterosexual drama, I think. Either way, it killed the fun. Jeno had to make sure Jaemin got home okay, and Chenle felt bad leaving Jisung, so I just kind of came home."
"Is Jisung his roommate or his pet?"
Renjun stares at Donghyuck, "Don't be mean. You were gone for a while, though. Multiple rounds?"
Donghyuck's brain is still caught on the fight over Jaemin's girlfriend. He wonders how much it really mattered to Jaemin, having a girlfriend, if right before he was outside, taunting Donghyuck. He had stared at Donghyuck in a way that he couldn't read differently, spoken so flippantly. He hopes, somewhere so distant and deep down that it's almost a secret to himself, that their relationship is fucked.
But back to Renjun, Donghyuck sighs, "No."
"Those other issues?" Renjun asks, and he cards his fingers through Donghyuck's hair again. It's Renjun's way of trying to comfort Donghyuck without overexerting himself on the affection front. Only child, as opposed to Donghyuck's eldest.
Donghyuck nods, leaning into the touch, "I'm in a rut."
"You're not in a rut," Renjun's touch is nice. It's nice to be close. It's weird, him and Renjun. When they first met, Donghyuck obviously thought he'd found some kind of guardian angel and not this, but sometimes still he sees these glimpses of what he originally felt. "You're just stressed out."
He gazes up at Renjun to look at him, "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Renjun smiles down, soft and comforting like he is when he wants to be. Donghyuck is feeling sleepy, and tired, and kind of fond, plus he's still a little drunk. It doesn't mean anything when he pulls Renjun's head down a little and kisses him, chaste and closed mouthed.
Donghyuck is expecting Renjun to shove him away like he usually does when it comes to this kind of overaffection, but he leans into it for a moment, soft before pulling back. "No."
"No." Donghyuck agrees, but then he leans back in and they're kissing again.
If Donghyuck weren't so tired, then the reciprocation might come as a shock, but it's all so lazy, so tired that he can't think about it. He just knows that Renjun is his friend.
It's the kind of thing that doesn't progress, no matter how long they're doing it. And it's not that Donghyuck's in love with Renjun, he ruled that out a while ago actually, but whatever he thought would fill the void tonight didn't, and now he's just feeling kind of lonely. It's his own fault, he was the one who snuck out and left a fake number, but he misses just lying in bed with someone, and he misses just being able to kiss someone.
It's not like it's any different for Renjun.
"You would fuck me, right?" Donghyuck asks him. Their voices are both soft, and sleepy, and Donghyuck is so overtired. He doesn't really know why they're doing this. It's not a proposition, but more of a query.
Everything from the night has left him feeling just a little bit emotionally sore. He's still not entirely sure where he stands with the Jaemin thing, and even without that, it's been a long year. He's gone through more than he's really comfortable with. While Renjun doesn't know the nitty gritty details, like who was involved, he knows that Donghyuck got cheated on, knows it's fucked him up a little.
Renjun hums, "I mean, I would, but I won't. Like, ever."
Donghyuck pouts, and Renjun kisses him one last time before going to lie down, "Why not?"
Training his big, dark eyes on Donghyuck for a moment, Renjun shrugs, "We both have our own shit. Besides, I'll kiss you because you're my friend, but that's also why we're not going to fuck, you know?"
Donghyuck does know, just sighs, and looks over at the clock on his bedside table. It's way too late. "Yeah, I wasn't really considering it either. Just wondering."
"Get some sleep," Renjun, uncharacteristically, pulls Donghyuck in, like despite everything he can tell what Donghyuck really wants. "I won't even make you talk about this tomorrow."
When they were kids, Donghyuck used to sleep over at Mark's pretty often. One summer, he would be there every weekend, tiny and sharing secrets. He was too young then to ever think that anything would change for him, but even still it wouldn't matter at all. He remembers being twelve and realising that, finally, he was growing up. He remembers thinking that now, when he stays over, he has to lie on the floor in a sleeping bag, instead of top to toe like they used to. It always felt like a betrayal to himself.
The night is quiet, and damp-warm, creeping in through his windows. When he sleeps, he's sobering up already, and it feels less like falling and more like walking down a flight of stairs. He turns in.
Texas is hell. His dorm isn't cool enough until winter, and then the AC kicks into overdrive and he's freezing again. He doesn't want to say it, but he misses his mom, and seeing his siblings grow up. But, in the same moment, he doesn't miss the walk home from work, or those grey suburban streets he grew up on. He came here for something different.
It's not quite home, maybe it never will be, but falling asleep with Renjun by his side, puppy piling onto each other, is something he didn't think about so much. It's nice.
If he falls asleep now, he can ignore it all. Ignore the stress, his coursework, and the way that Jaemin had looked at him, dark eyes piercing. In the morning, he can even trick himself into thinking he imagined the whole thing. It looked unreal in that light, anyway.
Jaemin, who was fighting his way through the kitchen tonight. Donghyuck wants to be able to picture it, but every time he tries the image escapes him. Jaemin has never hit Donghyuck, they're the type to never let these things come down to fists, but let the feeling fester in non-contact movement. Battles of tongues, and further things left unsaid. He refuses to think about it.
Donghyuck wishes he could have seen fists flying.
Late the next day, Donghyuck runs into Jaemin, who's stalking around campus with a sense of purpose. What that purpose is, is beyond Donghyuck.
They don't say anything, but Donghyuck catches the way that Jaemin's eyes lock into the bruises left on Donghyuck's neck, he wasn't too careful about that, and he supposes that he can't be too judgemental about that. Not when he's staring unabashedly at a killer black eye forming on Jaemin's face, bruising yellow and purple.
It looks a lot like Donghyuck is winning.
-
If things change afterwards, Donghyuck keeps it to himself.
They're getting further into the year, and further into being able to bear the climate, the days passing until the hoodie he's wearing feels less like self punishment and more like an appropriate clothing choice. It doesn't feel like the heat is smothering him so much anymore, which is somewhat ideal. The cool air keeps him from thinking about home.
He phones his mom, who still doesn't know that he's switched majors, to talk about everything, but he quickly realises that, right now, there's a limit to what he can discuss with his family. The idea of that kind of strikes him down.
When he's feeling homesick, then, he has to go to the next closest thing that reminds him of home. Mark is around, but busy with everything going on in his life. There are brief moments where Donghyuck feels left behind, until he realises he has his own inner life going on too, and that he can't be selfish about this.
They manage to catch up in the lunch hall, a little under a week after the party. They probably needed a catch up, the weeks since summer piling up. Still, the first thing Donghyuck does is ask about the fight.
"Oh, man," Mark rubs the back of his neck, like he's almost embarrassed to have hosted a party that people were fighting at, "I dunno. I hope Jaemin's okay, I don't actually know the other guy. It sounded kind of dramatic." Mark's concern and pity isn't mean enough for Donghyuck's taste, but he can't expect Mark to feel the same way about the whole thing that Donghyuck does.
"You didn't see it?" Donghyuck asks, stealing a fry from Mark's plate. It's stale.
He watches then as Mark flushes, looking in some other direction, "Uh, I was busy. I think. Yeah."
Donghyuck then spends the next hour trying not to think about Mark getting laid, an imagine he had managed to banish from his head in junior year to never be thought of again.
Everything is stagnant, lying dead in the water until Donghyuck decides he wants to man up and resuscitate it. He doesn't.
But one thing that's changing slightly, shifting around until it's forming something almost new, is Jaemin.
He's banned from partying, right now, or at least that's what Jeno tells them a week or so after the incident. Donghyuck is shocked Jeno is talking about it, let alone talking about it with Donghyuck. He's also upset that this new incident with Jaemin, where he got the shit kicked out of him in Mark's kitchen, has overshadowed Donghyuck's incident, where he watched Jaemin get a blowjob in Chenle's closet. It is truly a fascinating month for Jaemin.
But it's also all a problem. He's halfway through the semester, barely, and he's already internally berating himself because he's thinking of Jaemin again. It's starting to feel like a real obsession. He always does this, let his own shit get ahead of him then he’s stuck in the weeds academically.
It is an obsession, actually. At least a little. He's starting to consciously have to push away thoughts of Jaemin, to hold his tongue when he wants to bring Jaemin up in conversation, steer the topic away, because it's either going to get annoying or weird faster than he wants it to. He doesn’t want anyone to catch on.
The whole thing has given him some time to self-reflect, and ponder, and start doing the math on everything that's happening between him and Jaemin. Which is nothing. But that doesn't mean there isn't a problem with the way he's thinking about Jaemin right now. Because after everything, the feelings have gotten a lot worse, and now he just can't really stop thinking about it, no matter how stupid he knows it is.
He keeps all of this to himself, obviously. He's not insane.
Or, maybe he is. There's a long history there. He and Jaemin have nothing but resentment for each other, but Donghyuck, overall, isn't morally objecting to Jaemin's existence. And he's no longer really objecting to the fact that he thinks Jaemin looks good. At this point in his life, with no boys to fight over and nothing but their own grudges, Jaemin is someone he feels this festering, raging distaste for. Maybe the hatred is his passion, and that passion has just bled out into the other facets of his life.
It's not a crime to want to fuck Jaemin, if it were then a lot of them would be in trouble. However, he's still ashamed enough. It's not an ideal situation to be in, especially when you're Donghyuck, but it could always be worse; he could start developing feelings for Jaemin or something.
So, Donghyuck concocts a few plans, with a few different outcomes in mind.
The first is to ignore this until it all goes away, and Donghyuck leaves Texas forever and Jaemin goes back to whatever Houston suburb he crawled out of in the first place. He forgets anything ever happened here, and has a great life. It’s optimistic.
The second plan is a lot more unconventional, and maybe doomed. What if he had bad sex once with Jaemin to get the thought out of his system, and then never think about it again?
He's already decided that they probably wouldn't work sexually, with all Donghyuck knowing about Jaemin's sex life being the weird voyeur stuff, and in day-to-day life Donghyuck doesn't work well with Jaemin. It could only get worse in bed together. They clash. As foolproof it seems at first, it’s incredibly flawed. Beyond the sex being bad, he's worried that doing something so rash for no reason will fuck up their little group that they have going.
Donghyuck doesn't like Jaemin, hates the way that Jaemin tore him down last year, but at the same time, he keeps the peace. There's a reason he keeps the details to himself, even if it's not entirely clear.
It's like this: if he completely fucks up shit with Jaemin, then he will always, to some extent, lose Jeno by proxy. And Donghyuck likes Jeno. If he loses Jeno, then even if he still hangs out with Chenle, it won't be the same, and Renjun will judge him like no one else.
It's hard to talk about, and even harder to think about, but he's settled into this whole thing here.
When he arrived, he had been terrified that he would spend his college experience desperately trying to hang off of Mark's arm like he used to do. Best friends forever he guesses. Senior year had been dark, and dreary, and it had felt hopeless. Every call to Mark made him feel worse, that his best friend was thriving halfway across the country, somewhere else, with new people, while Donghyuck was still going to the same school, walking the same route home.
Finding his friends here hadn't been a guarantee. And there's no going back to relying on Mark.
The idea of Jaemin and sex, too, is so complicated.
There’s a dilemma, and in either outcome Donghyuck loses. He’s spend the past little while trying his best not to think about Jaemin and sex, because that leads mostly to thoughts of being cheated on. If Jaemin is good, then Donghyuck is just losing in every department, but then if Jaemin is bad then Donghyuck wasn't worth more than shit sex with a guy who sucks.
It's all a mess.
No option works for him, but his friends matter more than his pent up aggression. He'll just need to learn self-control, and how to move on from this entire thing. In years to come, Jaemin will just be a dick he hung around for a little too long.
Besides, Donghyuck isn't necessarily attracted to Jaemin. Not in a very clear, defined way where it overwhelms him. Sure, before they met he had stood out, but Jaemin is striking, and would stand out to anyone. It doesn't mean anything. It's not like Donghyuck is subtle, if he had wanted anything to happen he would have gone for it in freshman year, and he didn't. This recent bout of lewd thoughts is just some kind of hysteria he’s developed.
Jaemin has always been like a knife, too sharp and too critical, and dangerous in a way Donghyuck wasn't familiar with until he came to college. Just downright callous, smiling through the worst night of Donghyuck's life, and Donghyuck wishes he had seen the blood, maybe it would have legitimised it all for him. Even seeing him with his friends, with Jeno, when he's at his most lax and normal, there's still an edge too him, like he knows so much more about the moment than Donghyuck ever will. He's an unapologetic sadist, at least when it comes to Donghyuck, and no matter how hard he tries to move on from it, he can still see the way that Jaemin had grinned that night, always imprinted on his face.
When Donghyuck figured all of that out, Jaemin got a lot less charming and a lot more malicious. These things always do when you get too close.
From afar, Jaemin may have been attractive. The somewhat brooding demeanour, the silence, the intense stares, because then you can't work out that it's all possible to fall victim to it on the wrong side. That it's not a hot facade straight off the CW, and he's actually just trying to make Donghyuck's life harder, for no reason other than the love of the game he guesses. He feels scrutinised, and inadequate in a way that he hasn't since he was a kid. It frustrates him. It's why he still fights, still tries to win, because he's been screwed over and won't go down without a fight.
It's hard to imagine a world where he and Jaemin are fine, softer. Jaemin is kind to Jeno, probably, or at least he has been, so Donghyuck guesses he's capable of something like that, but Donghyuck has never been owed that decency. There's no way for them to be nice to each other, no way for them to work these things out. Donghyuck watches Jaemin like he's watching a car crash on the side of the highway, like he's already wrecked too.
He can't always hold his tongue, keep these things to himself, but he does. He can keep a secret, school years where he tried his best to stay under the radar, Jaemin sleeping with his boyfriend, and now he has to deal with the new Jaemin developments. If he can survive eighteen years in the closet, then Jaemin is fucking nothing. Considering fucking his semi-serious nemesis in order to get it out of his system is child's play.
His guitar is heavy, and his fingers are stiff. The room is hot, heat rising at the back of his neck, but he also thinks it might all be in his head.
Everything plays out the same as it always does. Jaemin is back to normal, not that he's ever been normal, and is criticising Donghyuck's every move again, cruel comments that don't really mean anything. Donghyuck barely even responds.
Jaemin is tense. His bruise has faded, but clearly he's still got some kind of baggage about the whole situation, because whenever Donghyuck so much as messes up his timing, his finger slipping to the wrong fret, he hears Jaemin let out an overdramatic scoff like Donghyuck is singlehandedly ruining his life. Uptight, fucked up Jaemin, ready to ruin something, and Donghyuck tries not to picture the violence turning to him.
It's not the time or the place for picturing anything beyond what's already in front of him, anything but the worn carpet. He closes his eyes, tries to breathe in, but the feeling stays at the back of his mind. Jaemin is just a pretty face with a big mouth, and Donghyuck is above that.
But every move, every snide comment, and every frustrated noise is pushing him off course. He can focus on the notes, and he can try and remember the exact patterns, but everything feels so much faster than he remembers. Chenle is a breakneck metronome, and it could overwhelm Donghyuck if he let it.
The whole thing is more of a slog than it's ever been. It's so bad that every time he tries to work out something new, tries to actually put to good use everything he's focusing on, he further convinces himself that he's made some kind of mistake.
Donghyuck had been great at this kind of thing in high school. His music teacher, who was fond of him, had built him up, pushed him further than being just another band kid in the back. First violin for their school, the best composition in his music class, and he had felt so passionate about it then, and he had missed it when it stopped. He had been too lazy to audition for the orchestra at college when he got here, and had forgotten again in all the stress this year.
Even still, he's not sure he would've made it in. He's fucking up all his classes, not quite failing them but it isn't a breeze, and he needs to study more, needs to catch up. He feels so behind.
The band is the closest thing he has, an excuse to perform even if it's just to his friends, and Jaemin. Everything builds up, and it's all so exhausting, trying not to throw the guitar out of his window every time he fucks something up, when calloused fingers start to hurt again.
Jaemin's misplaced perfectionism just messes with him more, the quickly composed pieces falling apart when he takes so much time scrutinising them. Everything needs justification to Jaemin specifically, and whenever he can he picks it apart. Donghyuck just wants to stop sucking, but every time they play they still suck.
He wants to lie facedown on the carpet and sob.
Jaemin is so snappy today that it's just taken him out of it, and he starts giving curt responses, short and mean. Donghyuck doesn't like looking petulant, not in front of his friends who might already think that of him, but he can't stop himself when Jaemin is being so pedantic. It's wearing them all down.
Donghyuck just wishes it were easier. Jaemin makes another comment, mutters it under his breath so Donghyuck doesn't even hear it, but when he turns he's met with a stare from Renjun, as if it's his fault.
Jaemin is too harsh, and Donghyuck is too driven, and it's all a wreck. Whenever they play together, the notes sound wrong, and it never works the way Donghyuck hopes it would on paper.
It's not so much they finish up as much as it is, they give up. Donghyuck feels as if he's ran a mile. He wants to go to bed. On any other day, he would be able to leave, but Jaemin's on the offensive.
"Are you ever going to write anything good?" Jaemin asks him, setting the bass down and smiling tensely as he does.
Donghyuck is having such a shit week. He doesn't even think anything is wrong materially, but the stress of his course, alongside weird developments with Jaemin, and just this general fatigue of sucking at what's supposed to be a hobby has broken him down. He almost has a meltdown right here in Chenle's living room, almost starts screaming at Jaemin nonsensically.
But he doesn't. It's not a fair fight, and he's not playing whatever game this is today. "Get the fuck over yourself." He tries to keep his voice calm. He's not sure it works.
Jeno sighs, over in his corner, weary of the two of them, weary of this entire thing. He doesn't know anything. God, Donghyuck is supposed to be an adult, but he's letting Jaemin bring him back down to this teenage anger.
"You're one to talk." It's useless.
"Oh, yeah, of course," Donghyuck mutters, just so genuinely angry. It hits him all at once, "What do you want from me, Jaemin? I'm not- What is your fucking deal?"
And, Donghyuck knows. Jaemin's deal is that he's evil and out to get Donghyuck simply because that is something he can do. But still, it's a last ditch attempt for Donghyuck to pick at whatever grudge Jaemin's been holding for the past year, for seemingly no reason.
It's bullshit. Donghyuck gets to be angry, he gets to stay pissed off at Jaemin for the rest of his life because Donghyuck was in the right. But, sometimes he wonders, if he stopped caring about the beginning a while ago. He doesn't think of his ex anymore, it still hurts him sometimes but he wants nothing to do with the guy whatsoever. He didn't fight for him, just conceded.
And when he thinks of Jaemin, he's full of rage, but so much of that is new. So much of it is based on the day-to-day, and he still wants to best Jaemin. He feels something dark like tar inside of him and he wants to win so bad, he needs to, but nothing feels like that.
He can't talk to Jaemin, not when he feels like this, not when everything is crashing in slow motion. He's worried his voice has been shaking.
"My issue?" Jaemin asks him, like it's a ridiculous question, "My issue with you is you're a stuck-up, self-pitying loser, who-"
"Jaemin." Jeno cuts in, sharp and stern, like he's Jaemin's keeper, "Shut up. Both of you, shut up." Donghyuck feels like the anger towards himself is kind of unjustified, but Jeno looks genuinely upset, shaking his head, "Sort whatever issues you have out, please. You're ruining this being stupid over nothing."
He stares at Jeno, long and hard. He wants to play the victim, because today he hasn't done anything, for real. He tries to convey in his eyes that he's been wronged, and that really this is all Jaemin's issue. But Jeno's seen them fight too many times for it to be a Jaemin problem. He just looks tired.
But fuck, Donghyuck is tired too. Hating is exhausting, trying to keep up anger over something that is passing him by more and more every day is exhausting, he doesn't know how Jaemin keeps it up. He wants a break, to pause the moment and breathe in and out for a little while, but that doesn't come.
Jeno leaves the room, frustrated and quick, like it hurts him just as much. Maybe it does. Jaemin is on his heels, not quite shouting, "Jeno, c'mon."
When Jaemin leaves the room, Donghyuck falls down onto the couch, eyes closed and head raised to heaven. He doesn't know what to do anymore. Everything makes him weary.
He hears Chenle and Renjun talking amongst themselves, and one of them leaves the room. Donghyuck doesn't open his eyes to check who. It just all feels unfair to him, the way these things are playing out. It's just his luck to finally have a life for himself, but it comes with a weird, hot demonic guy who is just kind of out to get him and make his life a lot more difficult.
His moment of reflection can't last forever, they have shit to pack up and he has to catch a bus, or maybe wander around the houses for a little while trying to find some kind of purpose that isn't lame and useless. Renjun is still in the living room, sorting his guitar. In a truce, Donghyuck grabs his case from the other end of the room and brings it over.
Donghyuck is expecting Renjun to be as mad as Jeno is, or somewhere close to there, already prepares himself for the disapproving look, the long judgmental stare, but when the guitar is in its case Renjun just sighs. "I need to head home."
Whether or not it's true, Donghyuck just nods.
"Give me a call when you get back to the dorms, and I'll head down to yours," He adds, which at least implies he's not mad. Or at least, his tone isn't anything angry, and he places one hand on Donghyuck's shoulder to steady him. Donghyuck, in half relief, falls forward and catches Renjun in an awkward hug.
Usually, Renjun would push himself out the way, but this time he stands there, letting Donghyuck press his head against his shoulder.
"I know you're trying," Renjun tells him, quiet. Donghyuck appreciates it enough to nod, and just stand there for a minute. It's too tense.
Heavy footsteps tell them that Jaemin is coming back into the living room, stalking down wooden floors. Slowly, Donghyuck stands back up, gets back to supporting himself, holding himself upright. He wants to go home, wants to go with Renjun, but he isn't.
Jaemin stands almost expectantly in the doorway, staring at them. Wordlessly, Renjun picks up his guitar and leaves.
Maybe, in retrospect, leaving Jaemin and Donghyuck alone together in the same room would be kind of a bad idea. It's not like they've ever gone at it physically, Jaemin has never laid a hand on him, but more that it can make things worse. But none of them can bear to witness it anymore.
Donghyuck looks at Jaemin once, lingers on his face for a little too long. He feels like a child again whenever Jaemin is around, it makes him feel sick and small.
"Jeno wants me to apologise." He tells Donghyuck, steps into the room and then shifts his eyes to the floor, to the couch, out the window. Nowhere near Donghyuck.
Staring at him kind of incredulously, Donghyuck laughs, "This apology sucks."
"I'm not apologising, I'm saying Jeno wants me to." Jaemin corrects him, and he guesses that's right. Donghyuck shrugs, and goes back to putting his guitar away, trying to be careful with it. "So you're fucking Renjunie, too?"
It stops Donghyuck in his tracks, and he just looks up at Jaemin trying not to let offense show in his face. Jaemin had got the accusation out quick, like he had been desperate for a comment that would hurt Donghyuck, or affect him enough that he would snap. It's not quite enough, but it still kind of shocks Donghyuck into a system malfunction.
He gapes for a second, "What?"
Jaemin hums, and shrugs, smiling like he's right, and sits himself down on the edge of the couch. "That's what was going on there, right? It's cute. Does he know you're sleeping around?"
It's like listening to a villain monologue straight out of some shitty teen movie, Jaemin rendering himself a cliche mean popular girl. "Renjun's my friend, dude." Donghyuck tells him, because this fight isn't fun. This isn't getting jabs in, this is Jaemin tearing into Donghyuck like he's a carcass already, like he's there for nothing but to be dissected.
"No, no, it's fine, I won't tell. Actually, I should maybe tell Renjun to get tested, because who knows where you've been."
"Fuck off, Jaemin," Donghyuck is trying to leave this situation as quickly as he possibly can, "You're so- You don't ever get to shame me about anything, not with the shit you're doing with Megan."
Donghyuck lets it slip, and realises he's still not supposed to tell Jaemin that he walked in on them, but does it really count as walking in on them if they were doing it literally in Chenle's hallway? Either way, he hopes it's vague and nonspecific enough that it'll stump Jaemin and not make Donghyuck look like a pervert.
Weirdly, Jaemin's face goes all dark and scary, a way he only really gets when Donghyuck actually says something that hits hard. "What did she tell you?"
Donghyuck sort of throws his hands up in self defense, because Jaemin looks genuinely pissed. Before, he had been tense and sort of distantly angry, and just asshole-ish, but now he's really just furious. "Nothing, God. What?"
"She's- Whatever she said, I didn't do it." Jaemin tells him, kind of suspiciously. "She's the one who was sleeping with him behind my back. Tell her to stop with the emotionally unavailable shit."
A few things strike Donghyuck in that moment, when Jaemin unwittingly dumps all of this on him. Firstly, weirdly enough, sympathy. Donghyuck gets it immediately, because he's been there, and the rawness of Jaemin's voice when he admits it is something Donghyuck can remember, the feeling of hurt so immediate and cruel that it just takes over every conversation before sense kicks in. However, it is almost entirely Jaemin's fault he's so empathetic about this, so he pushes that aside.
Then, he feels a little bit of a perverse kind of joy. He's never considered himself a sadist, but hearing that Jaemin got what was coming to him kind of makes him want to giggle with glee.
"I haven't spoken to her." Donghyuck just tells him, even if Jaemin seems to not believe him. He doesn't actually know why, it's not like he ever spoke to the girl while she and Jaemin were actually dating, but he guesses Jaemin's probably covering his bases.
Everything makes a lot more sense, though. The comments, the picking apart Donghyuck's every move, just that initial rage that everything has gone wrong. He's just taking it out on Donghyuck, which still isn't fair because Donghyuck is the last person he should be taking this out on. But still. It must be karmic retribution.
Jaemin grabs his bass from where it's resting against the wall. "I have a shift in half an hour, I'm leaving. Help me get Jeno's shit into my car."
This, if things were any different, could be a great moment for them to push past whatever weird shit Jaemin feels about him, go beyond the grudge and bond. Jaemin has, unintentionally, been vulnerable now and he could maybe understand that it's time to apologise. But that doesn't happen. Donghyuck stands there, letting the calm wash over him, before he nods.
Putting Jeno's shit in Jaemin's car, they don't keep the fight up. They don't say anything at all.
Later that evening, with Renjun, watching some blockbuster on his laptop with the sound down low, he gets to think about it again.
He's refrained from telling Renjun about the shit that Jaemin was saying, mostly because he doesn't really want to force Renjun to be a part of their weird arguments all the time. Still, the new information has left him kind of reeling, and he needs to talk about it with someone.
His first instinct would probably be to call Mark, but he can already hear what Mark would be like, all empathy and forgiveness from Christ. It's nice when Donghyuck needs to hear it, but when Donghyuck needs to be a bit more callous, he knows he has to rely on Renjun instead. If Renjun is anything, apart from perfect, then he's a little bit of a bitch.
"I've never told you the Jaemin thing."
Renjun's head perks up, rather than continuing to absentmindedly focus on the movie. "The Jaemin thing?"
Donghyuck nods. There had been a lot of reasons he had kept that to himself, one of which being he wasn't sure how comfortable Jaemin would be with Donghyuck telling people he hooked up with a guy, but now Jaemin is out and proud bisexual on his MySpace, Donghyuck supposes that's no longer an excuse. The other was humiliation on Donghyuck's part, but now that Jaemin is in the same boat it feels a lot easier.
"Yeah." He mumbles into the dark, "You know how I told you last year that I got cheated on, and that's why that relationship ended?"
Renjun turns to star at him, wide-eyed. It's rare to ever see Renjun shocked. "No. With Jaemin?"
It could make Donghyuck laugh if he weren't trying to be vulnerable, "Yes. With Jaemin."
Renjun leans over to pause the movie, closing the laptop entirely and getting rid of the main source of light. All that's left now is the streetlights outside, casting soft orange glows across them. "You never told me. Donghyuck, that makes things so much more- Why?"
Shrugging, Donghyuck leans back, "It's not an easy thing to talk about, I guess. Whatever. Apparently Megan cheated on him, and that's why he was being such an asshole today."
But Renjun is still caught on the information, still lingering on it like it matters now. It doesn't, after everything is over. Jaemin made his choice, and Donghyuck protected him for the longest time. "I'm still stuck on Jaemin homewrecking you. Like, for real?"
"Yeah, but now he's been homewrecked." Donghyuck shrugs, tries to lean into Renjun, but just gets his shoulder, "I think he probably deserves it. I dunno, I'm not mad. Or, not as mad I guess."
"But," Renjun continues, "Why is he so pissed at you all the time?"
The million dollar question. Donghyuck has still never worked that bit out, beyond Jaemin being a bit of an asshole who likes to gloat. He hums, "Your guess is as good as mine."
After that, nothing outwardly changes, but Jaemin always looks at him for a second too long, like he's trying to work out what Donghyuck thinks of him. It's nothing different from the way he's always felt.