Chapter Text
Thus far, the descent to the ground had proven quiet, dare Medic think it, soothing. There was no wind to blow them around, no plane shooting at them, absolutely nothing but the sound of the air outside them, the odd noises from the parachute above them, and small noises from the van every now and again as it swayed gently back and forth.
That, and Pyro moaning miserably as he lay on the ground holding his stomach, and attempting to find some relief by rolling into different positions. Medic did his best to ignore the signs such sounds indicated, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t worried. As it turned out, his intuition was, in fact, correct, for Pyro then mumbled something in a terribly miserable voice, causing Scout’s eyes to go wide as he stared at his good friend in absolute horror.
“No the fuck you don’t, don’t say that shit out loud!” Scout ordered firmly, which got a louder groan from Pyro as he got on his knees and curled inward, resting his head on his forearms. “Wha’d he say?” Demo asked worriedly as the rest of the team turned their attention to Pyro. “Ah, nothin’, he’s just uh, just havin’ a hard time… a little motion sickness is all, nothin’ to worry about. At all. Right, Pyro?” Scout asked with rushed assurance, which simply got a groan out of Pyro, who flopped onto his side, knees still held tightly to his chest, head still firmly pressed into his arms.
“See, he’s fine.” Scout declared unconvincingly, which caused Demo and Medic to exchange worried looks, but alas, that was about all they could do. Heavy, on the other hand, decided to be proactive, and began searching for something to hold and future barf in, all while not getting up in fear of losing his balance in the swaying van.
Then, a lurching sound came from Pyro, and everyone in the van went still as they stared at him in horror. They waited, knowing what was coming, knowing what was about to happen, yet still, they waited. Until another lurching noise came from Pyro, one far more sickly than the last, causing him to frantically take off the exhaust vent of his mask.
“DON’T YOU FUCKIN’ DARE!” Scout shrieked in horror, while everyone else instantly stood to find something for Pyro to barf into. “Heavy, make sure Spy and Sniper can’t look back here!” Soldier ordered as he removed his helmet to give to Pyro, only to pause, think about this for a moment, then quickly put his helmet back on and search for something else. “There’s gotta be a bin in ‘ere somewhere, look for a bin!” Demo ordered as Heavy stood in front of the window that connected the two sides of the van, while Soldier opened some cupboards in search of a large bowl.
“Nein, nein it has to be disposable!” Medic urged as looked under the small sink in the van, instantly grabbing a garbage bag and rushing back to Pyro. “Grab two!” Demo exclaimed as he went and grabbed another, before grabbing Medic’s bag, opening them both, and layering them inside each other for better protection. Once this was done, he ran to Pyro, who had successfully gotten the exhaust vent off his mask, and placed the bag in front of him.
Seconds later, Pyro barfed, earning a collective groan from the team.
“There ya are lad, let it all out.” Demo said gently, keeping his face held away from Pyro, which had a disgusted, yet assuring expression, while Medic went and rubbed his back soothingly, just sighing to himself as he did so. When he turned to see what Scout was doing, he was surprised to see that he had placed himself as far away from Pyro as humanly possible, his hand over his mouth, face pale. “Are you ok?” Medic asked, to which Scout just shook his head, gagging a bit after he did so.
“Oh relax! It’s just vomit! Everybody vomits!” Soldier declared in disbelief, to which Scout once again shook his head, a more irked, semi disgusted look on his face. Soon enough, Pyro finished emptying his guts, and sat back, breathing heavily as he did so, before letting out a small burp. “That’s great maggot, just great!” Soldier congratulated, quickly grabbing some spare napkins off the table and handing them to Pyro, who used them to wipe out the inside of his mask, not that much had gotten on it… somehow.
“What the hell is going on back there?” Spy asked from the front, causing poor Medic’s heart rate to spike, along with everyone else's. “NOTHING!” everyone said at the exact same time, and odd as it was, there seemed to have been a voice that no one else recognized amongst them at that moment, though what it really sounded like was beyond any of them. In fact, it may not have been there at all, but for some inexplicable reason, it had sounded like it came from Pyro.
There was a pause, before the window that connected the front of the van to the back was heard opening, only for Spy to let out a startled noise at the sight of Heavy’s back. “Heavy!” he exclaimed incredulously, which got no reaction from Heavy, who continued to stand in front of the window. “Is good spot to stand.” Heavy explained flatly, which earned a snicker from Scout and Pyro. “Well move!” Spy ordered, which got a simple shrug from Heavy, and little more. “Nyet, I like this spot.”
“On, mon Dieu…”
With that, the window was slammed shut, earning a few relieved sighs, and one half muffled sigh as Pyro put on his exhaust vent again, before returning to his curled up position on the ground, letting out a softer, quieter moan. “It’s alright, we’re almost to the ground.” Medic assured softly as he continued to rub his back, while Demo looked around for some place to put the bag of barf, only to get a mischievous glint in his eye as he turned towards Scout.
Seeing this, Scout just narrowed his eyes, his complexion having at last turned back to normal, before warning coldly, “You do what I think you’re gonna do, not only am I gonna kill ya, Snipe’s gonna kill ya.” Hearing this, Demo paused, thought for a moment, then let out a defeated sigh, returning his search for a good place to put the barf. “And for the record, no, I ain’t scared’a puke, it’s just that… Well, it’s just that Pyro’s puke is extra gross, I mean who knows what kinda junk’s in it!”
Upon hearing that, Pyro then made a loud, gagging noise, instantly causing Scout to cover his mouth and pale again, though upon hearing him start to laugh, Scout instantly narrowed his eyes, before miming slitting his throat, and pointing at Pyro ominously.
Roughly ten minutes later, the van landed with an unceremonious thump, which earned a silent prayer of thanks from Medic, and an incredibly relieved sigh from Pyro, who instantly sprawled out like a starfish. “Right, time to dump this bio-hazard into the wilderness.” Demo declared as he stood up, holding the bag of puke out in front of him as though it would bite him. “You sure is good idea? Could kill something.” Heavy warned with a joking grin. “That’s the idea,” Demo said with a grin, “hopefully we’ll be able to eat whatever it kills… Unless it kills somethin’ venomous… Are dingo’s venomous?"
“Nyet, dingo is dog.”
“Oh… How do we know they aren’t? They’re Australian after-”
The sound of the driver's side door slamming shut instantly shut Demo up, causing everyone in the van to turn towards the noise, all while a surge of terror swept through Medic, ridiculous though it was. Footsteps then sounded from outside the van, before they stopped, and were replaced by the sound of the parachute being grabbed, collected onto one side, and promptly cut from the van by what they all assumed to be a kukri, all in one swift, clean motion. This caused Medic’s heartrate to spike.
After this, the footsteps returned until they were just outside the back of the van, where once again the sound of straps being cut was heard, swift, clean, and precise. Scout, in all of his ever infinite wisdom, then asked in a very quiet, very careful voice, “Do ya think Sniper’s venomous?” This got the entire rest of the team to glare at him, to which Scout just raised his hands in surrender, a disingenuous apology on his face.
Then, the back door to the van slammed open, earning a startled cry from Medic, and lo and behold, there stood Sniper, pale faced, sweaty, eyes filled with an odd mix of fury, and terror. He was breathing heavily, mouth half open as he took in strange, nearly hollow breaths, nothing about him looking even remotely normal, appearing downright feral. The only things that stayed normal about him were his hat and aviators, both of which were positioned in a far too perfect manner for anyone's liking.
Sniper then stepped into the van, and while ignoring everyone else, stalked over to the cupboards that Soldier had been previously pilfering through, opened them, and perhaps to no one's real surprise, pulled out a sleeping bag, a long coil of what appeared to be course rope, and a small backpack which appeared to hold emergency supplies. “Huh, that explains why I couldn’t find anything useful!” Soldier muttered to Heavy, who just nodded quietly in agreement. Sniper had just finished pulling out the backpack, when suddenly he paused, becoming very, very still.
After a moment or two of everyone waiting for something, Sniper then asked in a very low, very ominous voice, “Why’s it smell like puke in ‘ere?” Nobody said a word, or rather, no one could bring themselves to say a word, all of them just staring at Sniper in fear, waiting for the man to kill them at any moment. After a few more moments of silence, Sniper again asked, this time far more impatiently, “Why… does it smell like puke in ‘ere?”
Finally, Demo took in a sharp breath, and began to explain sheepishly, “Well… ya see lad, poor Pyro here had uh… Well, he got a bit of motion sickness, and emptied his guts, if ya will… Not to worry! We got it all contained, in garbage bags mind you, so nothin’ got in yar van!... Minus, apparently, that rather lovely smell, though that’s an easy enough fix on its own, seein’ as we just gotta-”
Demo never got to finish that sentence, for Sniper then slammed the cupboard shut with enough force to make everyone in the van flinch. He then took in a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly, dare Medic think it, forcefully, as if breathing was the absolute last thing on his mind. After picking up all of his things and adjusting his grip on them, Sniper then turned and began to leave the van, stalking out the same way he’d stalked in. Before he left though, he paused, and without turning his head to face any of them, he seethed out coldly, “I don’t wanna see any of you until tomorrow mornin’, that clear?”
At first, everyone simply nodded, forgetting that they were staring at the back of his head and that he couldn’t see them, until Heavy gave a simple, but affirmative, “Da.”
“Good.” With that, Sniper left the van, and walked away from his team into the nearby wilderness, officially disappearing in the early night. To this, everyone just stared, simply in shock over the events of the last two minutes, none of them wanting to accidentally re-summon the infuriated man.
About a minute later, Spy walked around to the back, simply looked in at them, then out at the wilderness, nodding as he did so, smoking quietly, as if this was all perfectly normal. He then turned back to his team, smiled, and declared rather sarcastically, “Well, welcome to Australia, our home for the foreseeable future, how are you all feeling?” Pyro gave some sort of answer, one that sounded semi-positive, before giving a weak thumbs up from the ground.
“Wonderful, I understood all of that,” Spy declared with even more sarcasm, before looking back at his team and continuing, “now then, why don’t we take what food we have left, and start making ourselves some dinner. Pyro, you’ll be in charge of getting the fire started, the rest of you, take stock of all weapons and ammunition we have, and see if you can find a map in the glove compartment, we’re going to need it. If not, we’ll just drive until we find a town, and get a map there… Why does it smell like barf in there?”
“Because Pyro puked!” Soldier explained matter of factly, and when Spy turned to Medic to ask where exactly the puke was, Medic simply turned to Demo, who held up the garbage bags with a sheepish grin, which in turn got a disgusted look from Spy. “Demo, get rid of that before it gets on someone.” Spy ordered flatly, before turning and walking away. Seeing this, Demo just nodded, before narrowing his eye a bit, smiling mischievously, and throwing his arm back in preparation to throw the bio-hazard at Spy.
The only thing that stopped him was Medic, who quickly stood and grabbed his arm, giving him a very stern, very disappointed look. Seeing this Demo just stared at him for a moment, then simply gave him a bigger, far more innocent smile, before quietly saying, “I wasn’t actually gonna do it, just havin’ a laugh is all.” While continuing to stare at him, waiting until Demo flicked his eye away uncomfortably, Medic stated in a very flat voice, “I have an incredibly hard time believing that.” To this, Demo just laughed sheepishly, before lowering his arm and walking out of the van, presumably to dispose of the barf in a far more sanitary fashion.
Roughly an hour or so later, after the sun had set, the remaining seven men found themselves settled around a wonderfully made fire, frying up several cans of Spam, and a pineapple that Demo had bought while in Hawaii. Actually, it turned out that Heavy and Demo had done quite a lot of shopping the previous evening, and had set them up quite well, both for the future journey, and for the first several nights they would be spending in this new land. All simple, yet essential things for camping, including three packs of toilet paper, just in case.
It was a beautiful night, truly it was, not a cloud in the sky, shining full of stars that Medic had ever seen, and several strange, scary, yet fascinating noises coming from all around them, from various reptiles, birds, and insects. It made everything feel alive, and coming from the cold winter in America, it was shocking, almost unnatural, but then again, this was the southern hemisphere, and thus, it was summer. Everything just felt so new, so strange, so wonderful, so… intoxicating, life without bonds, life without borders, just… existing, and it was beautiful.
Personally, Medic wasn’t exactly what one would call an ‘outdoorsman’, having spent his childhood and adolescence in Berlin, subsequently going straight to university, and professional work from there. That was ok with him, it just left him feeling a bit nervous about the foreseeable future, seeing as his greatest outdoor experiences were simply going to the beach, or fighting in the Gravel War. He was certain that he would be ok, and that his more adventurous teammates would make sure he and whoever else wasn’t keen on the wilderness would be fine, he just wasn’t looking forward to it. Although, being out here, being surrounded by so much life, it did give him a new sense of relief, and helped to ease burdens he wasn’t aware he had been carrying.
Perhaps he did need to spend more time out in nature, and not just studying it.
Eventually, once everyone was well and truly satisfied with their meal, Spy then sighed quietly, not looking nearly as relaxed as Medic, before saying in a rather matter of fact tone, “Well, I imagine it would be wise of us to go to bed early tonight, seeing as we have lots to do tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Scout agreed quietly while poking the fire with a stick, “guess it was kinda a big day, huh?” Scout then poked the fire a bit harder, moving some coals around absentmindedly before taking a quick breath, and nervously asking, “So… ya think we can go look for Al tomorrow? I know he’s probably outta the way, but uh… I just wanna make sure he landed all right, ya know… That was a pretty big crash, and uh… Yeah, I just wanna make sure he’s ok.”
To this, Spy just gave a deep sigh, before looking into the fire quietly, actually mulling over whether or not it was a good idea, and by the looks of it, giving it serious contemplation. That made Medic happy, even proud, as well as extraordinarily relieved, for he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t worried about the fact that Spy would continue to hold his grudges and fall back into old habits. Of course, it was entirely possible that he was currently thinking about simply denying Scout because he didn’t want to deal with Albert any more, but something in Spy’s eyes told Medic that such was not the case.
Truth be told, Medic did want to go and find the younger man as well, though he was certain that he’d survived the crash and was simply waiting for someone to come pick him up, which was also why he was reserved about trying to find him. Chances were he’d made contact with either the real Australian military, or the US embassy, and knowing their luck, they’d probably arrive at the exact same time as one of those militaries.
Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one with that line of thinking, and Heavy, with a quiet nod to himself, simply looked at Scout with bittersweet sympathy and explained, “Is probably not good idea. Albert has probably made contact with military, and is expecting help… help that would not be good for us. Besides, Albert has proven he is good pilot, Heavy is certain that all is well.”
“Yeah, yeah I know…” Scout muttered as he continued to poke at the coals, “You’re right, he’s fine, he’s… he’s great… ‘Sides, it’d be pretty stupid if we all rolled up while he was chattin’ with the US military, right? Man, he’d be so pissed…”
“Like Heavy said, I’m certain he’s fine,” Spy assured with a softness Medic didn’t usually associate with him, “he’s probably sitting in his plane worrying about you right now, and thinking about all the millions of ways you could get hurt.”
“Besides,” Medic added, “even if we found him, it’s not like he could come with us, it would be far too risky for his career. Perhaps if we found a way to call the American embassy we could get an update on him, ja?”
“Nah, that’d just get us in trouble,” Scout muttered while continuing to move some coals around, “not a bad idea though… Guess I’ll have to just wait and call him when I git back in the states… freakin’ sucks on ice…”
“Da, is bad feeling,” Heavy agreed solemnly, “one that is best cured with good sleep.”
“Mmm… Maybe… Hey, Spy? We ever figure out who was shootin’ at us?” To this, Spy just sighed a bit worriedly, before admitting in a most unsettling way, “Not really, no. Albert was giving some theories as to who they were but… I think I passed out at some point. Either way, it was probably Gray setting up some sort of defense to keep anyone else out while he does God knows what.”
“So… Gray has control of the Aussie’s military?” Scout asked, instantly stopping messing with the coals and sitting up much, much straighter.
“I didn’t say that,” Spy clarified patiently, “I said he probably set up his own defenses. Gray having control over the entire Australian military is absolutely absurd-”
“Ok, but what about having interfered with the US embassy, huh?” Scout instantly interrupted, sounding quite panicked, “I mean, why would Gray shoot at a US plane that was scheduled to be here, if he didn’t have control over the embassy, or the Aussie’s military, huh? Ok, ok now we really gotta go find Al, Gray’s probably over there right now, and he’s probably doin’ who knows what to him, I mean, we all saw what… Jesus Christ, ya think those old bastards got him? What if they got him? Oh man, ok, ok we gotta get Snipe, and drive over there, right freakin’ now!”
“Scout, breathe.” Spy ordered firmly, yet gently, again to Medic’s amazement. Apparently it was to Scout’s amazement as well, for this new tone of voice was enough to get him to pause and stare at Spy long enough to actually remember to inhale. Seeing this, Spy simply took a breath of his own, before continuing in an equally gentle tone, “You might be right, perhaps this is a bit bigger than I originally thought, however, it is dark, Sniper is not in the mindset to be driving, and we have no way of locating your brother at this moment in time. Therefore, we will wait until the morning, and then we will see if we can find him.”
Never, never in all the time that Medic had known him had he ever heard Spy use that tone of voice with anyone other than himself. That didn’t mean he thought it was reserved for only him, he was more than certain that he’d used such softness and care with Sniper on numerous occasions, but with Scout? Over a man he hated with a passion? Yes, he was proud of his lover, he was joyous, frankly somewhat attracted, yet at the same time, confused as to what brought on this sudden change of heart, or more accurately attitude.
However, upon remembering a certain conversation that Spy and Albert were supposed to have had while on the plane, Medic realized that something had probably been said, done, or threatened to ensure that Scout was taken care of. Maybe not the best way to make such progress, but still, progress.
As it turned out, everyone else had noticed this odd change in Spy as well, and were all just staring at him like he’d grown a second head, except for Medic, who was looking at him with admiration. Either Spy noticed and didn’t care, or was oblivious, for he made no comment on the sudden attention, and simply began to light a cigarette, taking in a long, steady drag as he did so.
Finally, Scout blinked, shook his head, and asked, “Ok, who are you, and wha’d ya do with the real Spy? The Spy I know woulda told me to shut up and quit worryin’, you… are you an alien?”
“Would you rather I be an asshole, or would you rather accept the help I am offering?” Spy asked with his usual irritation, now staring at Scout with his usual annoyance. “Nope, nope never mind, happy to have ya, ya weird alien guy.” Scout quickly exclaimed with a far more welcoming, almost introductory manner, promptly earning himself an eyeroll. “Fantastique. Anyway, are we done with the fire, or are you gentlemen going to stay up for a while longer?”
As it turned out, they were, in fact, all exhausted, and all but Pyro decided to retreat into the van for the night, opting instead to watch over the fire until it ran out… or simply keep it burning for all eternity, no one knew for certain. However, before Medic could make his way to the front of the van, he was stopped by Spy, once again allowing the others to go ahead of them while they stayed by the fire. Unlike the last time this happened, he was not concerned, nor confused, having a pretty clear idea as to what Spy wanted to talk about.
Pyro, on the other hand, had his own thoughts as to what they were going to do, and instantly began to giggle to himself, before making a seductive clicking noise, giggling a lot harder, then letting out a wolf whistle, only to laugh even harder. While Medic just went red in the face, Spy instantly snapped his attention towards Pyro, and furiously seethed, “That’s not what’s happening, you idiot! Do you honestly think we would ever get even remotely intimate in front of you!” Pyro then attempted to stifle his laughter, before shaking his head. “Now shut up, you imbecile! Before I do something I regret!”
With that, Pyro did shut up, save a few stifled giggles every now and then.
While sighing, Spy turned back to Medic, utterly annoyed, before pulling out a pack of cigarettes, and handing them to him, much to Medic’s personal confusion. “Before we head in for the night, I would like you to give these to Sniper, he’s going to want them.” Spy explained, his temper having simmered down quite a bit to Medic’s personal relief. After looking at the pack for a moment, Medic did take it from Spy, albeit hesitantly, while asking a bit suspiciously, “Don’t you think he’d rather see you right now?”
“He probably would,” Spy agreed, sounding a bit disappointed, “however, you are the medical professional here, and I just want to make sure that everything is ok with him. Normally, I would happily join you on this venture, however, I know for a fact that he doesn’t want to see either of us, let alone both of us.”
Looking out into the dark woods, where all the strange noises were coming from, Medic could just barely see a small light deep within them, a very, very small light. One loud, singular cry from a strange bird did not help to ease Medic’s nerves about entering such a foreign, and downright dangerous environment alone. Still, he was the doctor on the team, and if Spy was worried about Sniper, then there was obviously something wrong, and he had to be the one to check it out.
He just wished Sniper was feeling more personable so he didn’t have to go alone…
After taking a quick, deep breath, Medic just nodded, before turning and facing the woods, his heart pounding in his chest as the night critters began to chitter a bit more, or maybe that was all in his head. “You’ll be fine, mon amor,” Spy assured, before kissing him gently on the head, “just walk towards the light, and watch where you step.”
“Ja… just walk towards the light…” Medic repeated stoically, and began to walk towards a man who would no doubt shoot his head off just for saying, ‘hello’.
Well, it could be worse, he could still be with those old bastards, or stuck in limbo with Spy avoiding him, or being tortured, or shot and bleeding out in the snow, or eating whatever weird hotdog thing Scout made him that one time, or being held at gunpoint at the edge of a cliff during a blizzard, or a million other things. Really, this wasn’t so bad, just intimidating.
Just as he’d entered the deeper woods, the light of Pyro's fire starting to become obscure, he heard Spy shout in the same tone he’d used with Pyro, “THAT’S NOT WHAT WE WERE DOING YOU IMBECILES!!! WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE SO CRASS WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!?” This got a quick snort from Medic, who just shook his head quietly before continuing on into the deep, dark woods of Australia, hoping that Sniper was feeling a bit better, and a bit more social.
***
Everything.
Sniper could hear, feel, and breathe, everything.
All of it, the birds, the insects, the frogs, the animals, the breeze in the trees, the sound of water flowing nearby, the fire crackling and hissing with the moist wood, the vegetation, the dirt beneath him, everything was alive, well, and thriving.
He was in the middle of all of it, breathing, living, existing, healing, just steadying his mind and body with every breath he took, trying to drive back the stress from the day. It was working, slowly, steadily, it was working. Of course it was working, it always worked, this was his home after all. Well, maybe Queensland wasn’t his home, but Australia was, and it was all the same to him, it was all the same to any good Australian.
Obviously he wasn’t better yet, his head still pounded, his body ached, as if moving it would break it, he was sweating bullets, all while trembling, slightly chilled despite the raging heat that enveloped him. Sniper knew exactly what was wrong with him, and he knew exactly how to fix it, he just needed to wait, and calm himself down.
This situation was stupid, really stupid, he hadn’t gotten sick like this since he first came to America, six whole years ago, and he’d thought that would have been the last of it considering he managed to not get sick after… him… though really he was far too pissed off and hurt to be scared. He’d felt it coming as soon as the van had been ejected from the plane, and he’d done his very best to shut it down before they hit the ground, but something about hanging out of his van while taking a nearly impossible shot just didn’t do his nerves any good for some reason.
Who would’ve thought?
None of that mattered now though, because he was home, and with every passing hour, the pounding in his head softened, his chills faded, and his body warmed up, because yes, fevers are that contradictory, one of nature's marvels, truly. The one thing that would’ve made this situation better was a nice cigarette, but alas, he’d forgotten to steal any of Spy’s before he left, but he could survive without one, the spring water he’d collected earlier was doing wonders as it was. All he needed now was to go to sleep, and by morning, all of this would pass, and he’d be able to face his team in a self respecting manner.
Did he feel badly for the way he’d snapped at his team earlier? A little, for one could never control when they barfed, and it wasn’t like it had gotten on anything, they really had done their best to make the best out of a bad situation, it was just that…
Well…
Pyro had puked in HIS van.
Sniper didn’t even puke in his van.
The smell alone was enough to set every nerve he had on fire, the idea that puke could’ve gotten in his van, that somehow it probably was in his van and he just didn’t know it yet, it just made him so uncomfortable. He lived in his van, his van was his home, his van was his, and the idea that… that vomit somehow got in it was just unbearable. Mud, no problem, dirt was dirt, and so long as it didn’t get on his bed, it was just dirt. Blood, more of a problem, but not as bad, just had to be a bit extra thorough was all, again, not bad…but puke?
Puke lingered… it lingered, and it didn’t stop lingering for days, like a dead animal, especially in such a small space. He knew that’s what happened, he’d puked in his van once, long ago when he’d first gotten it, he’d eaten something, in hindsight, he’d had no business eating, and he’d puked into the small sink, and a bit on the floor. The smell hadn’t left his van for days, despite having cleaned every surface with the most potent chemicals he could find. Maybe it had all been in his head, it probably had been, or maybe he’d just been smelling the chemicals, but that wasn’t the point, the point was that it had been real to him, and now, someone had puked in his van, and… and…
No, no he was getting himself worked up over hypotheticals, he needed to focus on calming down, not on things he couldn’t control. Who cared if his entire team was bunking in his van without his supervision, Spy would make sure everything went well, he was a good man, he wouldn’t screw him over. Everything would be just fine, he just needed to focus on breathing, and going to sleep. Easier said than done of course, but at least he was resting, his eyes were closed, and he was getting better.
Everything was getting better.
That was…
Until a shrill, shrieking noise erupted from nearby, followed shortly by a string of what Sniper could only assume was panicked German curses.
God.
Fucking.
Damn it.
What was it that he’d said?
Ah yes, ‘I don’t want to see any of you until tomorrow morning.’
That’s what he’d said.
In fact, he’d made himself perfectly clear.
SO WHY WAS MEDIC HERE?!?!?!?!
In an instant, the pounding in his head increased as he let out a low, irritated groan, refusing to lift his hat from his eyes, refusing to even look in Medic’s direction. If he’d got bitten by some poisonous snake, spider, or got merked by a drop bear, that was not his fault. There were anti-venoms in his van, all of which were labeled, all of which were probably expired, but he was certain that those, combined with the medi-gun, would be enough to get Medic through until the morning. If not, oh well.
Secretly, he was hoping that was what happened, that way he wouldn’t be harassed, and he could just continue his night alone, and without interruption. Was that what happened, though?
Of course not.
A few minutes later, he could very distinctly hear Medic making his way through the brush, albeit slowly, and cautiously, rightfully so, then a bit later… he was there. With him. Standing about six feet away, probably struggling to find the right words needed to address him. No, he had the words, he was just too scared to say them, because he knew damn well he wasn’t supposed to be there at that moment.
Could Sniper make Medic’s life easier and start the conversation off. Yes, yes he could. Was he going to do that though? Absolutely not, if Medic wanted to talk to him so badly, then he could be the one to strike up the conversation, so that Sniper could shoot it down just as quickly. Actually, if he was lucky, he could break his record for the fastest he’d ever shut someone up and make them leave. It wasn’t something he looked to break often, but tonight would be the perfect night to make a go for it.
Silence followed Medic’s arrival, aside from the silent pounding in Sniper's head, and Sniper was all but certain that Medic was just standing there like an idiot, unable to say anything at all. That was probably because this hadn’t been Medic’s idea, he was respectful like that, rather this had been Spy’s idea.
Because of course he was too much of a bloody wuss to come out here and talk to him himself.
At long last, Sniper heard Medic take a deep inhale in an attempt to calm himself, before asking in a very cautious tone, “Uh… How are you, Herr Sniper?” If Sniper could shoot him a death glare, he would, alas, his hat was in the way, and he didn’t have the energy to move his head. Instead, Sniper just asked very angrily, “What part ‘bout, ‘I don’t wanna see you lot till tomorrow’, didja not understand?” The silence following this remark did exactly what Sniper wanted it to do, and it made Medic very, very awkward. Good, hopefully that meant he’d leave.
Alas, after a few botched attempts at starting another sentence, Medic finally said, with even more caution, “Well… I actually have something I wanted to give you, or rather, Spy wanted-”
“I fuckin’ knew it,” Sniper seethed out with pure irritation, “God dammit, why can’t that wanker just piss off and lemme be? Ain’t even got the fuckin’ balls to come out ‘ere ‘imself, bloody wuss… Also, why the fuck didja scream like a shiela back there? Ya tryin’ to attract somethin’ that wants to eat us?”
“Ah, well, there was a giant centipede on me.” Medic explained without a bit of hesitation, obviously seeing that as a perfectly good reason to scream at the top of his lungs. Sniper did not see it that way, and bluntly asked, “Did it bite ya?” This time Medic did hesitate, before responding with a bit of confusion, “Uh, nein?”
“Then whyja scream?”
“...Because it was on me?”
“Bloody hell.” Sniper muttered, before taking in a deep breathe, and simply continuing with, “Right, well you go ahead and tell Spy that I’m just fine, and that he can go fuck off, aight? Now, g’night, and fuck off.” Sniper had expected Medic to once again struggle to say something, before simply offering a meek, ‘good night’, and walking away, that would’ve been his preferred reaction. Instead, he got more silence, which actually made him feel a bit awkward, and pissed, the urge to snap at Medic again starting to rise within him.
He was now understanding that Medic was probably looking at him with great unamusement, and that he was probably going to make some comment of his own, and prolong the night longer than it needed to be prolonged. Because that was just his bloody luck. This simply made his head start to pound harder, his whole body shuddering involuntarily as a chill ran down him.
Just perfect.
“I brought cigarettes.” Medic declared flatly, a hint of disappointment within his tone, but nothing more.
Cigarettes?
Instantly, Sniper lifted his hat from his face and looked over at Medic, who was indeed looking terribly unamused, while holding Spy’s entire cigarette pack in his right hand.
Huh…
Maybe… maybe he had been a bit of a jerk… rightfully so, but still, he had been a jerk.
Sniper first looked at Medic, then at the cigarettes, then at Medic again, all with his eyes though, still trying to move as little as humanly possible for his own sake. He could just ask Medic to hand them to him, but that seemed a bit rude given their previous interaction, so that meant that the polite thing to do would be to get up, apologize, and accept Spy’s gift.
Damn it, he did not want to get up.
However… cigarettes.
With a deep, reluctant sigh, Sniper forced himself up, his legs feeling like jelly beneath him, nothing about him feeling right, and managed to walk over to Medic, hoping, praying that he wouldn’t notice that he looked like complete garbage, and was shaking like a leaf in the autumn. Once he was in front of Medic, who was now looking at him a bit expectantly, Sniper just lowered his gaze, now feeling utterly embarrassed for his previous snarkiness, and apologized in a voice quieter than he wanted, “I uh… I’m sorry for bein’ um… rude… Can I have the cigs, please?”
“Ja, you can, and danke.” Medic said, once again being far too forgiving in Sniper's humble opinion, all while giving Sniper the cigarettes without a second thought. Once they were firmly in his grasp, Sniper instantly turned around, went back to where he had been resting, laid down, and put his hat over his eyes, before taking out a cigarette and lighting it with muscle memory. Then, he took what was probably the best drag of a cigarette he’d ever taken, long, slow, and deliberate, just taking it in, before letting it all out again, instantly feeling much, much better.
“Thanks, mate.” Sniper whispered gratefully as smoke left his lips, once again feeling his headache start to fade, his whole body relaxing as it accepted the warmth from the fire, and the nicotine within his lungs. “Natürlich.” Medic assured with a kindness Sniper truly felt he didn’t deserve, and once again everything felt at peace within his world, as nature once again began to fill this mind, heart, and soul, starting its healing process once again. It probably would’ve stayed like this too, if Sniper hadn’t realized that Medic was still there, and hadn’t yet walked away.
This turned the comfortable silence into an awkward one, which made Sniper take yet another deep drag of his cigarette, nearly finishing it in that single breath.
“I… I don’t mean to be that person,” Medic said at last, again with great hesitation, “but… Herr Sniper, are you feeling alright?”
Great. He’d noticed. That was just great.
Well, there was only one thing Sniper could do to remedy this situation, and thankfully, he knew it would work.
All he’d have to do was be persistent, and hope Medic wasn’t feeling stubborn.
“Not really,” Sniper answered honestly, once again not removing his hat from his eyes, “but ya know what? I’m feelin’ better with every hour, so you can just go on back to the van now.”
“Are you certain?” Medic asked worriedly, thankfully not sounding too stubborn about his well-being, “You’re looking rather pale, and I can see you shaking from here… You’re certain-”
“Doc. I’ma need ya to listen, and I’ma need ya real close,” Sniper ordered firmly, trying to remain in his place of calm as best he could, and failing, “I am a grown ass man, and ya know what that means? That means I know when I do, or don’t need help. Granted, sometimes I get a bit in me own head, but this ain’t one’a those times. Yes, I’m sick, but I’ve been sick like this before, and I know how to fix it. All I gotta do is relax, and calm down, which is quite frankly really hard to do when you’re stadnin’ there breathin’ down my neck. Now, I know you’re just bein’ you, ya can’t help that, but please, for the love of all that’s good and ‘oly, go away, and don’t come back… G’night, thank ya for the cigs.”
Blunt? Maybe. Entirely true? Definitely.
At that point, Sniper really didn’t care for formalities, and just hoped that Medic would get the message, and leave. Him. Alone. That’s all he wanted, aside from his van, but at this point he was willing to sacrifice that, at least for tonight, he had his cigarettes, he had his fire, he had his water, he had his sleeping bag, and he had his snake protection via his horse hair rope, he was just fine. All he needed now was for Medic to GO. AWAY.
“Alright then,” Medic conceded a bit worriedly, much to Snipers great relief, “I trust that you know what you’re doing… However, Sniper, if something goes wrong, bitte, radio for me.” Too bad he’d left his radio in the van, but Medic didn’t need to know that. “I won’t, g’night.” Sniper declared again, needing Medic to just get the hint and leave. This just earned an irked sigh from Medic, who finally turned and began to walk away. “Guten Nacht, Sniper… stay safe.”
Sniper didn’t say anything in response, just not having the energy nor patience for it, and simply waited and listened for Medic to arrive back at the van, not wanting to get well and truly relaxed until he knew he wouldn’t be startled awake by a frightened scream. After about ten minutes he figured he was safe, and simply released all his tensions with a great exhale of smoke, feeling a wave of pure relief wash over him as he did so.
Finally, he was alone again, with only the night and her creatures to keep him company. Everything was alive, everything was with him, everything was right.
He was right.
Morning came exactly when he needed it too, and much to his own personal delight, Sniper was awakened by the warmth of the sun upon his face, as well as the daytime creatures singing out their chorus into the land. As he predicted, he felt better, much better, a bit stiff perhaps, a bit tired still, but not feverish. Secretly, it made him feel good knowing that he hadn’t needed Medic, but he’d never gloat about it, not out loud anyway.
Instead of getting up, like any good professional would, Sniper just lay there a bit longer, allowing himself a bit more rest, just enjoying listening to the daytime choir, as well as the water flowing nearby. His fire had long since burned out, but the coals and embers still crackled slightly, hissing in the moist air, adding yet another sound for him to lose himself too. This was something winter could never offer him, for it was far too harsh, far too cold, but not the summer, the summer offered life, and the correct kind of stillness. It wasn’t silent, but it was still, moving with rhythm, with purpose embedded so deep that no one man could ever fully understand it.
That was good. That was right.
It made him feel right.
Eventually though, the urge to pee outweighed his comfort, and with a groan Sniper forced himself up, stretching himself out as he did so. In doing this, he noticed a rather large whistling tarantula sitting on his lap, also enjoying the morning. At first, he was a bit taken aback, having not seen a spider quite that large in some time, before instantly calming down, and carefully scooping it up into his hand, suddenly very glad to be seeing such a large, lovely creature.
“G’mornin’ mate, how’re you?” he asked as he looked over the spider, watching as it took a few inquisitive steps on his hand, before simply settling again. “Yeah, same ‘ere.” Sniper chuckled to himself, before simply putting the Spider on his hat and going to take care of his business. “If ya don’t mind, I’ma need to borrow your services for a minute, there’s a certain wuss that needs to be taught a lesson, and mate, you’re the bloke for the job… or shiela… whatever, you’re the spider for the job.”
After relieving himself, Sniper walked over to the spring he’d camped by, and carefully knelt beside it, and began to wash his face and neck, thoroughly enjoying the sting of the cold water against his skin, and how it made breathing that much more refreshing. Once this was done, he took his kukri and used it to shave, noticing that his usual stubble was starting to become just a hair too long for his liking. He could attempt for a clean shave, but every time he’d tried he’d ended up cutting himself, and besides, he liked the rugged look, it made him look handsome in his humble opinion.
It wasn’t like it was the only bit of facial hair he could grow and he just wanted it to look somewhat nice, that totally wasn’t it at all.
Once he was properly cleaned up and his campsite was packed up and taken care of, Sniper and his new companion set off towards the van, enjoying the occasional morning sun that shone through the foliage onto his face. Dear God how he’d missed this, he’d missed this environment so much. Yes, his job at working for R.E.D had been nice, but it was never this quiet, never this private, never this intimate. Sometimes it was, sometimes he could break away and just camp for a while, but it never felt quite right, it felt forced, foreign, as if something was missing.
Well, this is what had been missing.
The survival part of it. The knowledge that he was as much a predator as he was prey. The realness of it all. The danger in knowing that there was no safe spot, not really, and the knowledge that the only thing keeping him alive was his own skill, his own knowledge, his own resources.
This wasn’t some crude conflict, this was a hunt, a real and proper hunt, no more respawn, no more base, no more politics. Just this. Just him. Just his team.
It made him feel alive in a way he hadn’t felt since he’d taken on that job, and truly, he’d forgotten the feeling of true freedom. Now it was back, and no matter what came next, he was ready, and he was accepting.
All he had to do now was make sure his team was ready and accepting, after all, this was his home, and it was his responsibility to educate them, whether they liked it, or not.
Upon finding his van, and the smoldering remains of a very large fire, Sniper instinctively made his way to the front, knowing damn well that’s exactly where his target was. Sure enough, leaning against the passenger side door with his lover leaned against him, both sound asleep, was Spy, snoring every so slightly. Really, the two men looked rather peaceful considering everything that had happened the previous day, as if they weren’t in a foreign land full of danger.
Well, that wouldn’t do at all.
Carefully, and ever so quietly, Sniper opened the drivers side door, and slipped in, being sure to scoot himself up close next to Medic, but only to get better access to Spy. Once in, Sniper then removed his hat, placed the tarantula back onto his hand, then reached over Medic, and let the spider crawl onto Spy’s face, who still remained sound asleep. Ridiculous really, but no matter, this would prove to be a valuable lesson in a moment. Honestly, the sight made Sniper smirk, just barely containing a chuckle.
Finally, Sniper put his hat back on his head, and snapped once, watching as Spy instantly stirred to life, only to freeze upon opening his eyes.
“Mornin’.” Sniper greeted with a very smug kind of friendliness, all while his good friend's face turned white, his eyes locking onto Sniper with the kind of hatred that would kill a lesser man. Good thing Sniper wasn’t a lesser man. For the first time in his life, Sniper watched as Spy actually struggled for words, truly, genuinely struggling to find what exactly it was he wanted to say to him. Perhaps he was looking for an insult, perhaps he was terrified and wanted to shout his fear, perhaps he wanted to express his anger with the most vile curses imaginable, no one would ever know. It felt a bit nice actually, knowing he’d successfully shocked such a stoic man, though he was certain that Spy would probably just kill him once this was all said and done.
Oh well.
“Mundy...” Spy hissed out with an ire Sniper rarely heard, “Get this thing off me… Now.”
“Mmm… nah, we need to chat first.” Sniper replied casually, his smirk growing despite his best intentions, all while Spy’s face turned from white to red, his eyes widening as his rage grew. “Ya see, I got to thinkin’ this mornin’, and I realized that you lot are in pretty bad shape when it comes to rompin’ around this country, and that while you’ve been takin’ this mission seriously, ya ain’t been takin’ my home seriously.”
“What are you talking about?!?” Spy quietly shrieked, shrinking back into the door as the spider began to crawl a bit higher onto his face, now covering one of his eyes with its body. “I’m talkin’ ‘bout the fact that you lot don’t know shit about this country, and that there’s a higher chance that you’re gonna git killed by a bug than by one’a those old bastards, so… That made me realize we gotta rethink a few things about our current hierarchy.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that you ain’t gonna be makin’ final calls anymore.”
Spy just stared at him upon hearing this, disbelief and shock, along with a healthy dose of fear, showing in his visible eye, before he let out a short, arrogant laugh, truly unable to believe what he was hearing. To this, Sniper just reached out and pet the back of the spider, causing it to crawl over Spy’s face, now sitting comfortably right between his eyes. “Now, I bet you’re confused, so allow me to elaborate,” Sniper explained as he sat back, watching with mild glee as Spy’s entire focus stayed on the spider, “obviously we’re a pretty democratic group, with you bein’ the president, often dictator, for a lack’a better term, however, that ain’t gonna work out ‘ere, it’s too dangerous, therefore, I’m gonna be makin’ final calls.”
This was enough to snap Spy’s attention back onto Sniper, this time taking him much more seriously. Good, after all, he was being serious.
“‘Ere’s what I mean, when it comes to where we go, where we stay, how we set up camp, when we move, that’s all on me, ya hear? I’ll be the one makin’ our every move, and I’ll decide how we make that move, and when. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to listen to any and all advice ya got to offer, but at the end of the day, it’s my call, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, that clear?”
Again, Spy just stared at him as if he’d lost his mind, though this time, the look in his eye told Sniper that he understood he was being quite serious. Obviously this was the last thing Spy wanted to hear, and this was not a position he ever thought he’d be in, but it was something he’d have to accept, for everyone's safety.
“Mundy… you’re my friend, my good, loyal, reliable friend,” Spy stated very carefully, and very seriously, “and you are a great many things, both to me, and to this team, however, you and I both know that you are not a natural leader. That is not an insult, that is not meant to hurt you, that is the truth, and we both know it.”
“You’re right,” Sniper agreed, once again reaching out and petting the spider, though this time it didn’t move, “I don’t do particularly well when I’m higher up in the food chain, but like I said, I’ll just be in charge of where we go, and how we go, you’ll take care of the rest. ‘Sides, this ain’t the bloody Gravel War, this is Australia, and mate, we’re on my turf right now.”
Spy just stared at him, eyes shifting between him and the spider, clearly processing everything Sniper had just said, and taking it into consideration. He also looked as though he was thinking through any and all hidden agenda’s Sniper might have with that sort of power move, because of course he was.
Not that Sniper had any. That would be stupid.
“What are you trying to hide?” Spy asked suspiciously, regaining some of his confidence as he grew more comfortable with the spider on his face. “Not tryin’ to hide anythin’,” Sniper replied calmly, “just keepin’ us safe is all.” To this, Spy just narrowed his eyes, something which made Sniper's heart sink, but he didn’t show it, he didn’t move, didn’t blink, didn’t shift, and simply kept on breathing, fighting the urge to look away with every fiber of his being. “You are lying to my face, I know it.” Spy stated in a much, much angrier tone, which once again, made Sniper want to lower his gaze. Instead, he followed his next instinct, and narrowed his eyes.
The moment he did this he knew he’d given himself away, so he simply took a deep breath, smiled, and decided to give the ultimate distraction.
“Tell ya what,” Sniper said far too warmly for Spy’s liking, “if you git that beauty off ya without killin’ it, I’ll tell ya what’s what, deal?” Spy’s eyes narrowed even further in response, if that was even possible, before instantly turning his attention back onto the spider, trying, and failing, to figure out what exactly it was. It was actually rather amusing, but now Sniper was tasked with the difficult job of not giving away what it was, easier said than done with an opponent like Spy.
“Is it poisonous?” Spy asked as he began to lift his hand, pausing when the spider began to move back down his face, now squarely on his cheek. “That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” Sniper replied, trying to keep himself as neutral as possible, trying to keep his smug grin at bay. Hearing this, Spy just let out a low, furious groan, before once again raising his hand, and steadily reaching for the spider, a very noticeable fear present within his eyes.
Good, very good in Sniper's opinion, served him right for being such a bloody wuss.
Once his hand was next to the spider, Spy began to slowly try and press it under the spider, encouraging it to leave his face and climb onto it. In response, the spider backed away, crawling onto Spy’s eye in the process, which caused the man in question to freeze in place as he re-assessed his current predicament. “Well go one,” Sniper encouraged warmly, “it’s just a spider, ain’t the worst thing in the world.”
“I’m going to kill you after this thing is off me.” Spy promised through gritted teeth, once again trying to get the spider to crawl onto his hand.
This time, upon seeing the Frenchman trying to remove it from its lovely resting place, the spider reared up its front legs and began to hiss, instantly causing Spy to lower his hand and freeze in place, his face paling once again. It continued to make this noise for a good thirty seconds, before quieting down, legs still raised, fangs still poised to strike, now very, very upset.
Good, very good in Snipers opinion.
“Easy now mate, you’re startin’ to piss it off.” Sniper commented wryly, watching as determination gave way to utter terror in Spy’s face, promptly signaling his victory. “Mundy, get it off, now.” Spy pleaded quietly, trying to press himself away from the spider as much as possible, but simply having nowhere to go. “What’s the magic word?” Sniper teased smugly. “S'il vous plaît, Mundy, s'il vous plaît.” Spy pleaded once again, now closing his eyes as the spider began to hiss at him again, raising its legs higher in the air.
“Ooo, that’s French, must really be spooked, eh spook?”
“Mundy.”
“Alright, alright, c’mere ya beaut.” With that, Sniper carefully reached over, gently placing his hand on Spy’s face, inviting the spider to walk onto his hand. Instead, the spider hissed again, threatening to strike, only to calm down once it realized that the hand in front of it was steady, while the face it was on was shaking. Carefully, and very suspiciously, the spider walked onto Sniper's hand, thoroughly investigating it for any signs of danger, before instantly settling down, enjoying its new resting place much better than the Frenchman's face.
“There ya are, ain’t that better?” Sniper soothed as he backed away from Spy, once again stroking the spider tenderly as he made his way out of the van. “That was a real ripper, weren't it? Yeah, but ya did beautifully, best thing I’ve seen in a minute. Now, you go on now, live your best spider life, you’ve earned it.” After placing the tarantula on the ground a fair distance away from the van, the creature instantly ran off into the forest, certainly off to tell the other spiders about its harrowing adventure.
“Can’t even handle a bloody spider, bloody wuss.” Sniper declared as he turned around to face Spy, who was staring at him with the fury of a thousand men. “Now, I best not hear any more talk about me and my hypothetical secrets, ya paranoid wanker, seeing as you couldn’t get that thing off your face. Bloody ridiculous is what it was, couldn’t even handle a bloody spider.”
“What happened last night out in the woods?” Spy asked with a sudden great bit of curiosity, “You’re not normally this confident, this… this bold. What changed in the last twelve hours?”
“I’m home, that’s what changed,” Sniper replied with a smile, no longer afraid of his friend, no longer afraid of a million what ifs that didn’t matter anymore, “we’re on my turf, with my rules, and mate, I’m the only one this team with the know-how to keep us alive… and I’m feelin’ it, and it’s feelin’ real good.”
“I can tell.” Spy muttered to himself, before reaching for his cigarettes, only to find they weren’t there, before recalling who had them, and instantly giving Sniper a look that told him that he wanted what was his. To this, Sniper just nodded, before tossing the pack into the van, where Spy caught it with expertise, instantly grabbing one and lighting it. While he did this, Sniper walked over to the side of his van, and began to bang on it, shouting to those inside, “Alright wankers! Time to git up! We got a lot to do, and a lot to talk about, and I ain’t wastin’ anymore time!”
This earned him several unenthused groans, as well as the sound of people getting up. “Don’t you lot take too long! Ain’t smart to stay ‘ere much longer, especially with those fires we had goin’ last night!” Sniper urged again, giving the van one last good whack before heading over to the remains of Pyro’s fire, quickly gathering the leftover wood and starting it up again with what coals were left. Thankfully it didn’t take long to make, and before he knew it, there was a decent fire going, one that was certain to cook up breakfast and coffee in no time.
While watching the fire and helping it grow, the rest of the team slowly emerged from the van, Spy and Medic being the first out, then Heavy, followed shortly by Demo and Soldier, and lastly, Scout and Pyro, the latter of whom had a marvelous bed head. Soon, a pot of coffee with spam and eggs was cooking, officially setting the stage for Sniper to make sure his team was well and truly ready for the adventure that lay before them. After all, this wasn’t just about those old bastards and some mummified billionaire.
This was about his homeland.
“Alright, you wankers awake yet?” Sniper asked while looking over his team, noting that for the most part, they did look pretty awake. “I am awake! And I am ready to kick ass! OORAH!” Soldier shouted triumphantly, causing several others to cringe at the loudness. “Good, cause I’m gonna need you lot to listen real close to what I ‘ave to say, seein’ as it’s life or death.”
“Are ya sure ya’re not just bein’ dramatic?” Demo asked as he poked at the eggs, making sure they didn’t burn. “Why dontcha ask Spy that question?” Sniper replied happily, grinning smugly despite himself. This got everyone's attention onto Spy, who just rolled his eyes before saying rather sullenly, “Just listen to him and don’t ask any questions.”
“That’s the best thing you’ve said all day, mate.”
“Shut up.”
“Anyway, as I was sayin’, we are now on my home turf, and as you lot are aware, this is probably the most dangerous place on the planet, where everythin’ can, and will, kill you, and I don’t just mean the wildlife either. Locals ain’t gonna be too keen on a buncha yanks and Europeans muckin’ about, and I promise ya they’re all ‘bout Heavy’s size, or bigger, so I can’t ‘ave ya causin’ trouble with ‘em… Soldier.”
“Wha- Why did you call me out!” Soldier instantly demanded to know. “Because you’re patriotic! And I promise ya, every Aussie is just as keen on Australia as you are about America! I don’t need you gettin’ into a fight ‘cause you’re goin’ on some rant about how ‘Merica is so much better than Australia! The last thing we need is attention, and that goes for all’a you! Keep fightin’ to a minimum, none if possible, and I know it is! If we need to go into town for whatever reason, and I promise we’re gonna have to, please, for the love’a God, don’t be stupid… Scout, Pyro, that’s for you two!”
“Man, whatever, just hurry up with the speech already!” Scout urged, tapping his foot impatiently as Pyro continued to poke at the fire, helping it to stay steady and hot. “Right, movin’ on,” Sniper continued, actually not feeling too bad with the amount of eyes on him, “obviously you lot know that nature will kill you, so this goes without sayin’, but I’m gonna say it anyway: Do not touch anythin’, do not mess with anythin’, if it looks like it can kill you, it probably will. I don’t care how cute it looks, I don’t care how small it is, I don’t care how fluffy it is, I don’t care how young it is, don’t mess with it! Doc, Demo, I’m lookin’ at you two!”
Medic tried to open his mouth to protest, before quickly shutting it and nodding his understanding, all while Demo dawned a more sheepish expression and did the same, chuckling a little as he did so. “I’m serious!” Sniper pressed, “The mother of whatever critter ya think is abandoned is probably nearby, and waitin’ for some sucker like you to come along so she can kill and eatcha!”
“Even the herbivores?” Medic asked skeptically. “Especially the ‘erbivores! Doc, a kangaroo will fuckin’ kill you without a second thought, and setcha up as a punchin’ bag for its young! Any baby bird you find is fine, although I promise ya it’s mum will come and poke your eyes out just for bein’ near the nest! Koalas have teeth and claws and’ll shred ya to bits, not to mention the fact that it might not even be a koala! As far as you know it’s a drop bear in disguise, and mate they-”
“I’m sorry, a what?” Spy asked in utter disbelief, no longer taking Sniper seriously at all. “Drop. Bear.” Sniper stated again, putting great emphasis on both words, “A drop bear looks just like a koala, but it's meaner, nastier, and will eatcha! Mate, if you think you see a koala, it’s probably a drop bear tryin’ to lure ya in, they’re smart, and they know how to play suckers like Medic and Demo, they’ve been doin’ it for years! Point is, don’t mess with the wildlife, no matter how cute, or helpless it looks! Is that understood?”
“Heavy thought drop bear was just myth?” Heavy stated skeptically, giving Sniper the same look that Spy was currently giving him. “Didja grow up ‘ere? Didja live out ‘ere? Didja ‘unt ‘ere? No, the answer is no!” Sniper shot back, not in the mood for being questioned on the very thing that defined who he was as a person, “If I tell ya that some urban myth is real, it’s fuckin’ real! Now, as soon as we git into town, I’m gonna buy several books on all the snakes, spiders, birds, everythin, and I’m gonna have you lot memorize ‘em front to back, cause if I happen to go down, I’m not gonna have this mission fail ‘cause you lot don’t know what’s poisonous and what’s not.”
“Man, we gotta do homework?” Scout cried out in despair, looking utterly miserable at the thought of having to do any research. “Yes! You do! And if ya can’t read it, just look and see which pictures have a big ol’ skull next to it, that’ll tell ya what’s deadly.”
“I-I can read! I can read just freakin’ fine!” Scout protested, his face turning a vibrant red as Pyro and Soldier began to snicker to themselves. “I ain’t arguin’ with ya on this, just figure out what’s what once I get the book, now lemme see…
“Oh right! Water! Do not, I’m bein’ dead serious right now, do not drink anythin’ unless it’s been boiled and distilled! I’m only allowin’ Heavy to help me with that process, same with cookin’! If for some reason we gotta kill to eat, which we’re gonna have to, only me and Heavy will be the ones preparin’ it, and I don’t care how bad or overcooked it is, you’ll eat it! It’ll be overcooked to avoid worms and parasites, no rabbits! If ya see a rabbit, don’t bother killin’ it, those things are rancid in the summer… what else… Oh, no swimmin’! I don’t care how hot it gets, do not git in any body of water unless I tell ya it’s safe, crocs are everywhere in this part’a the country, not to mention there’s some mean ol’ fish in the rivers.
“Alright, last but not least, I, and only I, will be in charge of where we go, and what route we take to git there. Obviously where we go’ll be determined by the australium caches, but all the in-between spots will be determined by me. This is to avoid any trouble, any bad terrain, and anythin’ that could slow us down. I am happy to listen to any and all suggestions, but at the end of the day, it’s my call, alright?
“Also, that fire that you lot made last night? Yeah, that was way to big, that sorta thing’s gonna attract attention, you’re lucky it didn’t draw anyone in last night, so that'll not be happenin’ again, hell, some nights we might not even be able to make a fire dependin’ who’s around and how close our enemy is, so you best get used to that thought. Pyro, ya hear me?”
Pyro simply gave a disappointed grunt and nodded, crossing his arms sullenly with a deep huff. Seeing this, Sniper finally took in a deep inhale, having almost forgotten to breathe, and thought really hard on whether or not there was anything else he needed to talk about. He didn’t think he was forgetting anything, he was certain he’d gotten all of the very important things, so he figured that if there was indeed something he’d forgotten, he could bring it up later when it was pressing really hard on them. It seemed as though for now, he’d done all he could do, and the next best thing to do was find some civilization, and get a proper map in order to write down where all the australium caches were for the next time Miss Pauling called.
With that, Sniper nodded to himself, feeling good about his rundown of how things were going to go, then looked over his team and asked, “Right, any questions?”
“Yeah, can we get goin’ now?” Scout asked, his foot still tapping incessantly, “Spy said we could go try and check on my brother and make sure he wasn’t dead, so the sooner we get goin’ the betta.” Upon hearing this, Sniper just let out a low, irritated breath, not liking that idea in the slightest, simply envisioning rolling up the same time the military did and getting caught in a shootout.
However, Scout did have every reason to be concerned for Albert's well-being, and the promise was made before Sniper took control of how they went about this journey, so what right did he have to tell Scout it was a stupid idea and that he’d probably get them all killed? Well, he did have a right, but he wasn’t going to be that kind of asshole. Besides, they had plenty of gas for a getaway if they needed it, and he knew how to drive in this terrain, so even if they did get spotted by people they didn’t want spotting them, everything would probably be fine.
Probably.
“Fine, but we’re makin’ it quick, and we ain’t takin’ ‘im with us,” Sniper agreed solemnly, needing Scout to understand the gravity of the situation, “we’ll check up on ‘im, but that’s it, he’s probably got friends with ‘im right now if he’s lucky.”
“Dude, dude you’re the best, you’re the freakin’ best!” Scout exclaimed, instantly standing, “Now let’s go! We gotta git there before Gray does… If Gray does… Whatever, let’s just freakin’ go!”
“Hold up, we gotta deal with the fire and breakkie first!” Demo declared as he pulled the eggs off the fire, which were scrambled with spam to perfection, “Let’s get a quick bite, cull the fire, then git goin’, not to mention drink the coffee.”
“Don’t think Scout needs the coffee, and we can eat and drink in the van,” Sniper reasoned as he went to find some water to put the fire out, “it’s best we get movin’ quick, just in case, though if I’m bein’ completely honest, I reckon we’re just gonna run into the military… cause that’s just our bloody luck.”