Chapter Text
Yeonjun was a seasoned veteran at burying his feelings (and urges) for his best friend. He’d done it ever since he could remember being friends with the other, throughout every moment of their shared history. One could argue that at times, his attempts at hiding it had been pretty poor (which would be correct), but he had kept it hidden for almost twenty years, after all.
Now, though, after tearfully and dramatically confessing his feelings and finding that they were very much returned by Soobin, he wasn’t sure how to proceed.
He’d sort of expected to be dragged to Soobin’s room after their talk, that they’d skip breakfast and get out all of their tension that had accumulated throughout the years of their friendship. If not then, surely later.
Maybe after Soobin had lovingly finished cooking him breakfast after all, peppering kisses on Yeonjun’s cheeks in between mixing and frying and whatever else he was doing – it wasn’t like he’d been paying attention.
Or maybe – finally – when they’d come home after their first official date, bright-eyed and giggly from holding hands at the movie theater, from trying the other’s chosen ice cream flavor straight from their tongues, from kissing in a dark alley on their way back because they couldn’t wait any longer. Yeonjun had certainly expected something that night. Or any night after.
But it hadn’t happened, and Yeonjun was at a loss.
In fact, nothing had happened since their dry rehearsal in front of Beomgyu, other than a couple of heated makeout sessions. Now, almost two months into their relationship, it was starting to fuck with Yeonjun’s head.
It felt like he was dating two different people. The Soobin who was possessive and larger than life as a boyfriend, who’d casually sprawl against him with his thighs spread wide, offering him a prime view of his – impressive, delectable, come hither!! – crotch. Who’d throw his arm around Yeonjun’s shoulders, touch his waist all the time. Who’d stroke and squeeze his thigh absently while talking to their friends, as if it was a completely normal thing to do and not driving Yeonjun crazy.
The Soobin who would touch so freely, so naturally – until they were alone and he’d suddenly turn into the second Soobin. The one who treated Yeonjun like he was made of glass, like the slightest suggestive touch would send him running.
Living together with his crush had been trying. But living together with his very hot boyfriend who refused to do things to him? Damn near impossible.
Because of course Soobin didn’t stop parading around in his underwear. Or calling him cute nicknames. Or touching him innocently, kissing his temple, cheeks, lips – teasing him whenever they were together. The cherished tradition of watching anime together? Gone! A new tradition had sprung forward, one where Soobin would fry his boyfriend’s brain thoroughly with every kiss and nip, carefully keeping his hands above the waist until Yeonjun was ready to BEG him, and then announce it was time for them to head to bed. Not without claiming first shower, though.
It was torture.
Which was not to say that he was unhappy with their relationship at all. He loved Soobin, and the other made sure to show him how much he loved him back every day. Every thoughtful gesture, every puffy-eyed morning smile that was reserved just for Yeonjun, every time Soobin shyly reached out for his hand the way he’d confessed to wanting, he could feel his love. Even though they hadn’t exactly said it yet (or at all), it was clear as day.
Which made the lack of a physical connection even more confusing.
And what really didn’t help was that the rest of their friends seemed to think that they had been fucking like bunnies ever since getting together. If Yeonjun had to listen to one more joke of him getting dicked down by Soobin’s humongous schlong (thanks, Beomgyu), he would actually kill someone.
No, really. He would.
Maybe Yeonjun would have found it funny too, if the situation weren’t starting to weigh on his mind so much. But he really was at a loss: No matter what he did, it felt out of place. If he held Soobin’s hand for a little too long during their group hangouts, cuddled up to him or even looked for a bit too long, he’d be made fun of relentlessly. If he didn’t, Soobin would send him looks he couldn’t decipher and end up pulling him even closer. Almost like he wanted to prove something to their friends.
Not that he needed to – they’d eaten up their change of relationship status as if they’d been waiting for it to happen for years. Which was nice in theory – but not when it came to their means of expression.
“Yeonjun is absolutely mouthwatering, the sight of his long, pulsing sausage making Soobin drool,” Beomgyu recited, almost shaking in mischievous glee at Taehyun’s and Kai’s suppressed laughter. Yeonjun sent a quick thank you to whichever gods would listen for the fact that the café they were sitting in was busy and loud today. He was fairly sure he wouldn’t want anyone to hear whatever was coming next.
He was right.
“His large hand moves against the piece of meat, stroking gently. Once. Twice. And again, savoring the elder’s reactions. Soobin leans in, smiling. "You’re so hot, dog. I can’t wait to milk all the mayo out of you. I bet you’d look scrumptious," He purrs. "All drenched in mayonnaise, just for me."
“Anything for you, Bun,” the elder moans, and Soobin couldn’t help but relish in the sweet, sweet sounds his boyfriend makes. He couldn’t wait to have Yeonjun’s delicious piece of meat between his buns.”
Yeonjun’s embarrassed groan got lost in the unhinged cackling going around the table. Kai was screeching, Taehyun’s eyes were sparkling as he leaned into Beomgyu’s shoulder giggling, and the author extraordinaire was trying to blink away tears so he could still read from his phone screen.
Even Soobin, the traitor, had snorted at the last sentence.
“Wait wait wait”, Kai wheezed, just in time to interrupt Beomgyu’s recital of the next paragraph, “I can’t breathe. How long is this?”
Yeonjun wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
Beomgyu cackled and lifted his screen for Kai to see. His thumb scrolled down…and down…and down…
“About three pages”, he wiggled his brows, shooting Yeonjun a devilish look he knew he’d never get away with if they weren’t in public. “I just felt so inspired last night. Soobin-hyung walked into a hot dog cart because of Yeonjun-hyung’s post-workout insta story. Boner first.”
Oh really? That was news to Yeonjun – Soobin hadn’t mentioned anything when he came home, just kissed him hello as he did every night. No signs of a boner anywhere.
Which Soobin was quick to correct as well, amused grin wiped off his face in no time: “I did not have a boner, you little rat!”
“Apologies, Soobin-hyung. I meant to say sausage.”
“I see where the theme stems from”, Taehyun giggled, “for a second I thought your smut skills had regressed again, hyung, but now I understand the vision.”
The questionable compliment made Beomgyu puff up his chest like a moronic peacock. With a completely straight face he nodded at Taehyun in a way that would have been patronizing, if the whole topic wasn’t so ridiculous.
“The merit of art may not always be obvious to the viewer, but one can learn to open their mind to it. I’m glad to see you on the right path, Taehyunnie.”
It made the younger snort an unimpressed “sure, hyung”, but he surprisingly let Beomgyu get away with his bullshit without punching him.
If he hadn’t been so done with all of them at that moment, Yeonjun would have been much more interested in this. As it was, he was about ready to get away and not have to see any of them for a couple of days.
“If you’re all done with turning my relationship into your own personal comedy,” he snapped and stood, “I think I’m gonna head home. Soobin, are you joining me, or are you too taken with Beomgyu’s sausage porn?”
Four pairs of eyes blinked up at him in shock. He could watch as the amusement slowly drained from his younger friends’ faces at the sour expression he must have been wearing. Soobin was less easy to read, cautious eyes tracking his face as he slowly rose to join Yeonjun.
“No, we…we can leave, hyung.”
“Great.” He spun around, ignoring the hand Soobin had been extending towards him, and stalked out of the café.
Was he overreacting? Maybe he was, but he’d had enough with the constant poking fun, the comments and sly grins sent their way. How was he supposed to enjoy spending time with his boyfriend and their friends, when he constantly had to question himself? When their every move was giggled at and when their actually non-existent sex life was used as a casually amusing topic of conversation?
He had no clue. Two months, and he still couldn’t figure out how to fit into their group of friends as Yeonjun-and-Soobin-the-couple rather than Yeonjun-and-Soobin-best-friends-since-forever.
So public affection around their friends? Kind of a challenge for Yeonjun, although their stupid jokes didn’t seem to faze Soobin much. They sure as hell didn’t deter him from being a touchy bastard in their vicinity.
Which just made their dynamic at home even weirder. Where Yeonjun tried to hold back in public, for obvious reasons, thank you very much, Soobin pulled back in private. Which decidedly did not make sense coming from the man who’d told him: “I keep wanting to touch you, actually, and it’s been– god, Yeonjun, it’s been driving me nuts.”
It didn’t make sense – unless he wasn’t into it anymore.
Unless Yeonjun had, somehow, someway managed to fuck their making out sessions up enough already to completely turn Soobin off of the thought of fucking him. He’d tried not to entertain these kinds of thoughts, fully aware that they were most likely his own insecurities speaking. But the longer this unwanted abstinence wore on, the stronger the toxic little voice inside his own head grew.
You’re lucky he wants to date you at all. At least your face is pretty enough for him to show off with.
Not pretty enough to fuck you, though.
Their walk home was awkward, with Yeonjun uncomfortably aware of the hand Soobin wasn’t holding. He’d pulled back first at the café, but Soobin hadn’t reached out again after, the way he’d expected it. Now they were walking with an unfamiliar distance between them, the hand facing Soobin feeling inexplicably colder than the other.
Even before they started dating, they’d never walked so far apart.
Yeonjun hated it. Hated the way Soobin moved away immediately when he had swayed into him on the bus. The way he didn’t offer to help Yeonjun down the stairs when they got off, or guided him through their front door with a hand on his waist the way he usually would. He hated it so much that he turned around and pounced on him the second they’d gotten their shoes off.
Their teeth clacked together uncomfortably, but he ignored it, reaching to pull Soobin’s head down to his level instead. The other had frozen upon impact, was still moving too slowly for his taste, even now.
“Come on”, Yeonjun grunted before connecting their lips again and shuffling them backwards until his knees hit the couch. He pulled Soobin down, until he finally got the memo and settled on top of him.
Finally.
This was familiar, this was good, this was them. No amused looks or weird comments from their friends, no awkward distance. Just Yeonjun and Soobin, slowly melting into each other, hands wandering and exploring while they enjoyed the other’s taste.
He reveled in the shiver that ran down Soobin’s back as he bit his lip, in the little moan he let out when he soothed the sting with his tongue. Maybe tonight it would happen, maybe their weird tension from earlier would finally push them over the edge.
He almost let himself hope when he felt Soobin’s hand on his chest, the heat rushing through him like relief and anticipation alike. This touch was explicit. Wanting even. Like Soobin couldn’t help himself, squeezing Yeonjun’s pec, stroking across it until careful fingers found his nipple through the shirt and began rubbing absentminded circles across it. At the first pinch, a gasp escaped him.
“Fuck, Soobin”, he groaned and pulled at his boyfriend’s thick hair in a desperate attempt to get him even closer.
To his surprise, Soobin followed, settling on him hot and heavy and with definite arousal. Had they been open, Yeonjun was sure his eyes would have rolled back in an embarrassing parody of those ridiculous sex animes (it’s called hentai, he heard a vaguely Soobin-like voice echo distantly in his mind) at the contact. It was too good to finally be this close and feel his attraction returned in the tiny hitches of Soobin’s hips, the swelling inside his pants.
He wanted to analyze the sensation, commit it to memory in case it would be taken from him again in the future, but all his brain was capable of at this point was more! And Yeonjun was nothing if not ready to follow his brain’s (dick’s?) command.
Another, now less gentle, bite to his neck and he bucked up against Soobin, searching for the blessed friction he’d been denied for two months.
But as soon as he finally had it, it was ripped away. So brutally, in fact, that Soobin would have taken a tumble off the couch if Yeonjun hadn’t instinctively reached out and pulled him back in by his waist. But even then, trying to catch his bearings and not slip off, the other kept his hips carefully away from Yeonjun’s.
“What the fuck?” The hurt that had flashed through him was so sudden that he couldn’t have kept the words back even if he’d wanted to. Not that he did – enough was enough.
“Sorry, sorry, I–”, Soobin panted, still holding his ridiculous plank position over Yeonjun, “I kinda…”
Yeonjun didn’t want him to finish that. Whatever it was, it would probably hurt more than the endless rejections. At least with the physical ones, he could make up stupid little excuses. If Soobin actually said it–
His mouth seemed to have another idea than his brain though.
“Why won’t you touch me?”, he blurted out pathetically, almost like a reflex.
Soobin stared down at him in perplexed silence, mouth slowly gaping open even as his arms started to quiver with the strain of holding himself up.
To make matters worse, Yeonjun couldn’t seem to stop the words pouring out of him: “Am I that bad, Soobin? So bad that you won’t even try– try fucking me? What, you thought you could teach me, could make me decent enough in bed but then– then what? You don’t even want to get off with me without touching my dick? Is that it?”
“Wh–what?”, Soobin stammered, finally letting his arms give in and dropping onto Yeonjun in a graceless heap. He was quick to scramble off of him until he was kneeling between his still spread legs, though.
Of course, Yeonjun thought bitterly.
“Just say it”, he hissed out, trying to keep in the tears he could feel brimming at the corners of his eyes. “Tell me that my ex was right about me.”
“Jun…Junnie..?”
“Don’t call me that”, he snapped back. “Don’t call me that when you can’t even stand your dick touching mine. Just fucking get it over with and break up with me, Soobin. What point is there in dating if you won’t ever have sex with me?”
That finally seemed to snap Soobin out of his stupor.
“Wait– is that what this is about? Me not– not initiating anything with you?”
“Initiating? Fuck that, Soobin, you don’t even participate!”
“I don’t– okay.” He shook his head as if trying to clear it, before looking at Yeonjun with his most serious face. “Let’s take this from the top. You’re upset at me for…what exactly?”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, I’m very serious, hyung.”
He was feeling the urge to slap Soobin.
Instead, he let his voice drop as low and icy as it would go and told him: “I’m not upset, Soobin. I’m fucking over this. I should have known this whole thing was way too good to be true.”
He’d planned on storming off dramatically, maybe dealing with the fallout of this whole thing tomorrow or whenever they’d awkwardly run into each other around the apartment, but as soon as he tried to get up, he felt his leg trapped in an iron grip.
“Over it?”
He was pulled down roughly, the couch’s arm digging painfully into his tailbone.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Yeonjun?”, Soobin growled. The stare he was pinning Yeonjun with was so unhinged in its fury that he didn’t even think about moving. This was not a Soobin he was familiar with. Not as his best friend, not as his boyfriend. Soobin never got angry like this. Fuck, the angriest he’d seen him get was when he’d broken his nintendo when they were sixteen.
“You’re over it? Over what exactly? Our relationship?”
“I–”, he tried to find words, but they got stuck somewhere in the sudden nausea crawling up his esophagus.
“Just like this?” Soobin continued, still staring, unmoving. Much too intense for Yeonjun to handle. “One conflict – which I don’t even have a fucking clue about, by the way, and you just…want to break up with me?” His voice had turned feeble at the end, as shaken as he looked when the burning anger finally slipped off his face.
“At least…at least tell me what is going on first, hyung”, he said, quietly resigned. “Is that too much to ask?”
It almost got him. He’d almost softened at the hurt puppy energy Soobin was radiating, at the way his hand spasmed before letting go of his leg as if he’d forgotten he was clutching it.
Almost.
“Is it too much for me to expect my boyfriend to want to touch me?”, he shot back instead. His voice was a bit too nasal to really sell the anger anymore, but not choked up enough to display the depth of his hurt. It would have to do. He could still get out of this without losing all of his dignity.
Soobin squinted at him as if he was trying to figure out a very complicated puzzle. Finally, he slowly, as if considering every single word, said: “No, I don’t think it is. I think that’s a normal expectation to have.”
“Then you agree.”
“...to what am I agreeing?”
As if it wasn’t clear.
“That we’re over.” He said it matter of factly, or as much as he could manage when all he wanted to do was to bury himself in his bed and sob into his pillow.
Soobin stared at him for a long time before answering: “I can’t say that I do, hyung, no. Why would I agree to that?”
“Because you don’t want to touch me. Clearly. So if I can expect my boyfriend to want to do that and you don’t then– then what even is there?”, he trailed off in a pathetic croak. And there were the waterworks. Great.
“Where– I’m sorry, this seems to be very obvious to you, but where the fuck did you get the idea from that I don’t want to touch you?”, Soobin replied, painfully calmly for someone back to cutting off the blood flow of their boyfriend’s thigh.
“Because you don’t!”, Yeonjun cried out, shoving at Soobin’s chest in a weak attempt to free himself. It didn’t work, his boyfriend stayed crouched before him, hand on his thigh, and a frustrated frown on his face.
“Yes I do,” he insisted.
“Bullshit.”
“Yeonjun, I touch you all the fucking time.” Soobin’s patience had run out, his volume rising to match Yeonjun’s now. “If anything, you’re the one who doesn’t.”
He was the one who– oh hell no, he would not let Soobin pin this on him.
“I– what?! I’m sorry, was I hallucinating trying to rub myself against you like a cat in heat just now?”
Soobin rolled his eyes: “You know you weren’t–“
“Oh then maybe I hallucinated the way you almost flung yourself off the couch the second our dicks touched?”, he pushed, teeth bared in his fury.
“Jun–“
“Or every other time before that? The way you won’t touch anywhere below my hips? And how you end it every time it finally gets more heated?” He was heaving with the weight finally off his chest. Even though they hurt, it was a relief to finally speak the words. “Did I imagine that too, Soobin?”
He expected the other to match his anger, for him to disagree further, but instead– he seemed to deflate.
“Is that the only touch that counts in your books?”, Soobin returned his questions quietly. “Is that all you want from me? To fuck you?”
“I– what?!” He didn’t know how they’d gotten here. Obviously it wasn’t, he’d told Soobin it wasn’t before they even started dating–
“Because I thought we were on the same page–“, he continued.
Exactly!!
“–but apparently not.”
“N-no, we are”, he disagreed vehemently, “I mean, I don’t just want that, but I do want it. But you apparently don’t anymore.”
Soobin blinked, some of his angry confusion morphing into something…lighter. “Have you considered that maybe I thought you don’t?”
Had he–?
“What? That’s absurd.”
“Is it? Is it really?”, Soobin questioned, leaning closer. “You say I don’t touch you, but you’re the one who pulls away all the time when I do.”
“When do I–“
Hands thrown up, Soobin exclaimed: “Always. I– fucking always, hyung, even when it’s just a kiss in front of the kids.”
Well, duh?
“Because it’s the kids.”
“Oh come off it, hyung. It’s not like they’re actual kids.”
He gritted his teeth in frustration. Soobin wasn’t listening.
“I know that. And that’s not what I’m saying. I– it’s because…they keep making a big deal about it, making comments and weird fucking scenarios and assumptions about us and I”, he breathed deeply to calm himself, before continuing more quietly, “I hate it, Soobin. Maybe you’re fine being laughed at all the time, but I don’t want us to be a fucking joke.”
He could see the hesitation in the other’s eyes before he said: “It’s just their way of…”
Yeonjun interrupted him before he could even finish: “But why is it their way? It’s our relationship, shouldn’t it be our way? Why does everyone else get an opinion and the right to stare at us like it’s weird?”
He was panting, sure that he looked like a crazy person right now, the way he felt himself slowly unraveling. All the tension from the past months, his hesitancy and insecurities were starting to pour out and he couldn’t stop himself any longer. Not even for Soobin, who was watching open-mouthed as he finally let it all out.
“Fuck, I’ve been in love with you one way or another for almost twenty years, Soobin, and I’ve pretended not to be for almost as long. You think it’s easy to suddenly let myself just touch you the way I want in front of everyone? And then, when I do, to have them all laughing about it like it’s stupid?” He was full-on crying now, his next sentence barely comprehensible through his sobs: “I don’t want it to be stupid.”
“It’s– it’s not,” Soobin mumbled, sounding heartbroken, “Junnie, it’s not, hey, come here.”
He reached out, pulled him closer, awkwardly trying to shift Yeonjun onto his legs where he was still kneeling on the couch, before giving up and just flopping back on top of Yeonjun. Except this time, with his full weight and a sad, rapidly shrinking semi pressing into Yeonjun’s thigh instead of the glorious erection from earlier.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel like I don’t want to have sex with you”, Soobin spoke into his neck. “I really, really do. I just thought if you’re already uncomfortable with me touching you in such innocent ways, maybe you weren’t ready for me to do more.”
And that– that was a valid interpretation, now that he thought about it without hysterical anger clouding his mind. He had been pulling away just as much as Soobin, so maybe…
“No it…it makes sense now”, he admitted. “When you say it like that. I didn’t realize…how it came off when I pulled away. That you’d think it was because of you when it was so clear to me that it could never be you.”
“Never?”, Soobin repeated quietly, face still hidden in Yeonjun’s neck, but finally with the slightest hint of hope in his voice.
“Never ever, baby”, he choked out, a new wave of tears threatening to drown him. “I just want you to want me too, Soobinnie.”
Arms winding closer around him, Soobin murmured: “I do, hyung. I really really do, okay? So much. And I want the same. I got really scared that you realized you didn’t actually like being in a relationship with me. Or that I was embarrassing to you. Or too clingy.”
“You’re not”, he sniffled, “I mean, maybe the clinginess, but that’s not ‘cause I don’t like it. I just feel awkward around other people. When I…show that I like you. It’s still weird, especially around the kids. I don’t want things to change in our friend group, even if I want things to change with us. Does that make sense?”
Shuffling awkwardly, Soobin managed to get one of his elbows under him again and lean just far away enough to meet Yeonjun’s eyes: “It does make sense”, he said seriously, “but it’s also not really possible, hyung. Us being together will change things, even once the kids get used to it. I don’t know in what way, but it’s impossible to change us without something also changing for them.”
“I know”, he agreed quietly. “I’m just…I don’t like how it is right now. I know I’m being sensitive, but we’re still…new, right? Like, I haven’t even figured out how to be Yeonjun and Soobin, the couple, instead of Yeonjun and Soobin, BFFs forever, so I can’t deal with their expectations.”
“No, I agree. But that’s something we can talk to them about. There’s a reason you’re sensitive about this stuff, but it’s also on you – on us – to set boundaries.”
“Is this the point where you tell me that I need to talk to people when something upsets me?”, he asked wryly.
A small smile ghosted across Soobin’s lips. “Am I that predictable?”
“You kinda are”, Yeonjun nodded and leaned up to kiss Soobin’s nose, “but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”
“Oh?”
“I should have talked to you about the…sex thing. I should have communicated my insecurities and how I wasn’t sure what to make of your behavior, instead of assuming I knew what it was about. I’m sorry, babe.”
“Thank you for saying that”, Soobin whispered and leaned down for a proper kiss, “it means a lot to me.”
“Yeah well, I’m actually pretty good at admitting when I’m wrong.”
Soobin snorted loudly, eyes finally crinkling in genuine amusement: “That’s actually bullshit.”
“Excuse me, didn’t you just witness my honest apology?” he gasped in offense.
“Mhmm, firsts for everything.”
“Hey! I apologized for breaking your arm!”
“When we were five”, Soobin laughed, exasperated. “And you never actually apologized for the real reason.”
“Which was…?”
“You being jealous of Changmin.”
Yeonjun felt his mouth drop open at the sudden accusation: “Wait, you knew?!”
“Of course I knew. You literally said ‘go play with your stupid Changmin then’ before you pushed me.”
“See, no reason to say it then,” he sniffed, pretending very hard that his cheeks hadn’t gone pink from being exposed like that.
“You’re impossible,” Soobin muttered. The words didn’t match in the slightest with the soft smile playing on his lips.
“I have grown as a person since then. As you just witnessed.”
“I guess I have”, Soobin chuckled, before turning serious once more. “I owe you an apology too, though. Since I did pretty much the same thing you did.”
“Hm?”
Had he done that? Yeonjun tried to think back to just five minutes before and what Soobin had explained, but got immediately distracted by the way the dimples popped out on his boyfriend’s cheeks as he bit his lip. Typical guilty Soobin behavior – huh.
Without meeting Yeonjun’s eyes, he nodded: “Assuming I knew your feelings about sex from the way you were acting outside of the bedroom? Kinda shitty on several levels.”
Levels?
He really had no idea what Soobin was talking about, or how their simple misunderstanding warranted the dark, self-castigating from on the other’s forehead.
“I think I’m missing at least one level here, babe,” he finally admitted when he realized Soobin wasn’t going to continue without prompting.
The grimace he pulled confirmed it.
“Okay. Detailed apology, huh?” Soobin sighed, moving on from biting to full on chewing on his lip, still shifty-eyed. “I mean, the first part is that I assumed I knew why you were avoiding my touch around others. Same as you, I should have asked when I noticed instead of jumping to my own conclusions. And the second part…”
After a long moment of silence and Soobin refusing to meet his eyes, he prompted: “The second part?”
Soobin flushed bright pink. When he answered, the words were barely a mumble: “The second part is that…well, I think the sex guru thing might have gone to my head a little. I had all these thoughts of protecting you and going at your own pace and being the one with all the answers that I…forgot to ask questions. And completely ignored what was in front of me.”
“Oh.”
Huh. That was…interesting. He was sure he should be at least a little pissed, hearing Soobin say something like that, and distantly he was. But more than that he felt…reassured? Safe? Taken care of? In like…a stupid himbo way, maybe.
What did it say about him that he found this kinda hot?
“Yeah,” Soobin continued, pulling Yeonjun from his musings, “as I said – kinda shitty. I’m sorry, Junnie. You’re an adult who can make adult decisions about sex and I took that from you–“
He scoffed dismissively: “You really didn’t, Soobin, you thought I was uncomfortable and yeah, you should have asked, but it was a valid assumption–“
“In my head I did though”, Soobin argued quietly. His jaw had set into the stubborn scowl he’d get sometimes, the one that meant even Yeonjun couldn’t pull him out of whatever thought he was stuck on. “In my head I was so sure I knew what you needed and that’s why I didn’t stop to ask. I put together the puzzle pieces I had and maybe the picture I produced was a valid guess, but I should have confirmed it before using it to make decisions about our sex life based on it. So, I’m sorry. Really fucking sorry. Just because I have more experience with this stuff doesn’t mean I get to make decisions on my own. And I kinda did.”
“Uhm. Okay,” he nodded, feeling overwhelmed with all the sincerity pouring out of Soobin, “uh, I still don’t really think that’s what you were doing. Not maliciously, at least? But uh, I appreciate you saying that. I uhm. I want to make decisions like that together with you. So…let’s do that starting from now.”
It seemed to be the right thing to say, with the way the stubborn glint melted from Soobin’s eyes. Of course the guy would have been ready to fight him on being in the wrong. He was nothing if not self-punishing for these kinds of things.
“Thank you”, Soobin nuzzled against his nose. “Let’s do that.”
The simple action felt nice, so safe after their fight. It was a reminder that Soobin was still Soobin. Still his boyfriend, still in love with him, and apparently just as lost in the sauce as Yeonjun felt sometimes.
“For the record”, he murmured, suddenly remembering the one thing they hadn’t settled yet, “I didn’t want to break up when I said I’m done with this. I meant the situation and the fight. But I’m really sorry if you understood it that way, because there’s nothing I want less.”
Soobin closed his eyes, a sharp wrinkle appearing between his brows.
“Th-thanks”, he squeezed out, before the rest of his face just – crumpled. He tried to pull away, hand moving to cover his face, but Yeonjun didn’t let go. Would never let go when his boyfriend fell apart like this.
“Baby?”, he asked, worry burning his stomach.
“s’okay”, Soobin blubbered, “shit, sorry. I’m okay just– I got so scared. Was so scared I’d lost you and– so fucking mad that you seemed so ready to throw us away like that.”
“I wasn’t. I’m not.” He stroked through Soobin’s dark hair, gently scratching at the nape. “But I also thought that I’d already lost you anyway. That you didn’t want me, so…when you took it that way, I kinda thought…what does it matter now?”
Soobin shook his head rapidly: “I wouldn’t break up with you. And I do want you.”
“I get that now.”
He held up his hand to stop Yeonjun from saying more. “But even if I didn’t..or you didn’t. I’d still…I mean, I like sex, more than maybe most people. I’ve certainly had enough, we both know that.”
“Yeah..?”, he said, unsure where Soobin was going with that.
“But it’s not everything, okay? Like…it’s actually one pretty small part of the whole equation for me. I– I’ve had feelings for you for a really long time without having sex with you. That wouldn’t change if we didn’t, okay? If you didn’t want to or– or even if I didn’t. That doesn’t make my feelings for you null and void. So…don’t say things like ‘what’s the point’ again, please?”
“Oh I– yeah uh, okay. I won’t.” He blinked, trying to process that. “I’m sorry, baby. But– you do want me like that, right? It’s not that it’s the only thing that matters, but if you don’t, you need to tell me now because I think– honestly, I think it would mess with my mind a little bit just because of the whole…ex-boyfriend history, so– so just uh…tell me?”
“I want you”, Soobin leaned his forehead against his, eyes crossing as he tried to stare into Yeonjun’s soul. “I want you really really badly, okay? And I’ll say it a thousand more times if you need me to. But even on days that I don’t want sex with you, I will still want to be with you. And things like…like sex drive and wants can change in the future too, right?” Soobin continued, frowning as he looked for the right words: “So I’m just saying…even if I didn’t want you like that, I’d still…have feelings for you. My feelings for you aren’t tied to sex, Yeonjun. They never have been and never will be.”
“Oh.”
Oh indeed. Even without actually saying the words, that felt…very close to a love confession.
“I– yeah, same”, he stammered. “Uh, I like you too. Without sex. I mean we haven’t had sex yet and I really like you, but even if you said you didn’t want sex, I’d still like you. I mean, if it…wasn’t about me being boring or disgusting to you and that’s why you didn’t– but that’s not what you’re saying, right?”
“No Junnie, it’s not.” Soobin gave him the softest smile, all crinkles-by-his-eyes and dimples. “Nothing about you is boring or disgusting to me. Quite the opposite actually.”
“Okay. Good. Just checking.” He could feel himself blush all the way up to his ears, but he still had one more question to ask. Might as well at this point. “And uh– you uh, you do like making out with me. Right? I’m not like…secretly very bad at that and you’re too nice to tell me?”
Soobin snorted. “Yeah Jun, I like making out with you. You’re actually a bit too good at it, I think. Do you have any idea how hard it was to try to control myself sometimes?”
“Well, personally I wish you hadn’t–“ he started, feeling like it was safe enough now to tease.
“Now you tell me,” Soobin pouted, giving his cheek a pinch and pulling playfully.
“Well my dick was pretty clear when it tried to tell you–“
“Yeah? Does it have anything to tell me now then?” Soobin teased, looking pointedly between them.
Yeonjun sniffed haughtily, only slightly embarrassed by the intense attention focused between his legs: “It could be persuaded to talk to you again, I guess. Since you apologized so nicely.”
A dark smirk flashed across Soobin’s face as he made to lean down: “Do you want me to give it a face-to-face apology too, or–“
“Oh my god, shut up,” he squealed, face burning at the thought, and pushed Soobin away, almost knocking him off the couch again.
His boyfriend kept smirking at him, looking all too smug despite his disheveled hair and precarious position.
“No oral, then?”
He couldn’t believe he’d ever found cocksure Soobin attractive.
“I hate you.”
“Mhm, little Yeonjun is saying something different”, Soobin sing-songed, letting his hand wander up Yeonjun’s thigh, dangerously close to his reawakening cock.
This time, he did push him off the couch – only to pounce after him, though.
“Really, really hate you”, he mumbled, before pulling Soobin into a bruising kiss. He could feel hands flying to his ass to steady him and it was – triumphant. To know he was wanted there, to feel the loss of inhibitions in the way he was touched, in the quiet groan against his lips.
“Hate you too,” Soobin mumbled and dipped down to mouth at his jaw, his throat, his collarbone. It left a path of tingling heat on his skin that shot frissons of want through him.
“Bin”, he breathed, “Bin, please…”
“‘m here,” Soobin answered, “I’m here Junnie. Take what you need.”
“Need you.”
“You have me.”
And he did, right? Soobin was his.
In every way he’d ever hoped.
He ground down on instinct, hands grasping at Soobin’s shoulders to steady himself. The friction made them both shudder, fall into each other even closer.
“Shit”, Soobin groaned into his neck. Every lick of hot breath against his skin left Yeonjun reeling. He couldn’t believe how long it had taken them to get here and now all they were doing was grind against each other like horny teenagers.
“Ah– this is like– our first time”, he gasped, too busy focusing on the sparks of pleasure shooting through him with every roll of his hips to stop himself from slurring his words, “fuck, I can’t believe this is how we’re doing it. Never tell Beomgyu.”
“Wanna change something?”, Soobin panted.
He considered it briefly, but something about this, about Soobin’s hands on his clothed waist and ass, the stupid friction of his pants on his sensitive cock, made his head spin just right. It was…them. This was as stupidly mundane as it could get after knowing each other for close to twenty years and it made Yeonjun feel…at peace.
He shook his head.
“Didn’t say that. Shut up and make me come in my pants, baby.”
“As you wish, love.” The bright smile the other gave him was entirely misplaced in their current position, sweating and grinding on each other on their living room floor – again. Still, seeing the blatant happiness on Soobin’s face sent a warmth through Yeonjun that made him want to sob.
Not before he came though.
He could feel his thighs starting to tremble with the effort of rubbing against Soobin, even with the other’s hands helping him lift up. Faintly, he registered the ache of the strain, but it was drowned out by the pleasure sparking from every point of contact between them, every gasp and kiss they exchanged, everytime Soobin’s gaze burned him.
“So hot”, Soobin whispered feverishly against his neck, letting his tongue trace the words into his skin. “You’re so fucking hot, hyung. Should have done this so much earlier, should have listened to you. You drive me crazy, the way you’re asking for it–”
“I’ve been asking–”
“Not with your words though, fuck”, Soobin muttered and rose to meet Yeonjun’s grinds, one hand on the floor to support them, the other digging into his ass cheeks as he pressed them closer together.
God, Yeonjun hoped he would bruise.
“You like me asking for things?” he pushed.
“Yes. Fuck, yes, love hearing your voice when we– god, if you knew how you sound..”
“How do I sound then, baby?”
“Your voice goes all whiny– high pitched, needy, it’s like it goes straight to my brain. Can’t think of anything else when I hear it.” Soobin’s words were frantic, like a chant, a prayer. Sweat was beading on his forehead with the effort he made to lift up, to meet Yeonjun thrust for thrust. And still, he would not stop talking: “Every time you ask for something – every time you beg me, I want to do anything to give it to you. I want to make you sound like that forever, hyung, strung out and breathy, I want to make you cry and scream, I want to milk you fucking dry.”
And he would. Oh god, he would, if he kept on talking like that.
“H-how?”, Yeonjun wheezed. He’d dug his hands into Soobin’s shirt, clinging on for dear life as he rode him. “How do you wanna– fuck Soobinnie, how are you gonna do that to me. What are you gonna do to me?”
“Ngh– fuck, everything Junnie. Gonna do everything to you, won’t stop until we’ve tried anything and everything under the sun, until you’ve seen stars–”
“Soobin, stop being a fucking poet and tell me how you’ll rail me.”
His words made Soobin’s hips stutter – for a moment, Yeonjun feared to have discovered a weird brat kink in the other, but then he realized Soobin was…laughing.
“Yah!”
“Sorry, sorry. I just– only you.”
“I’d fucking hope it’s only me.”
His words only served to make Soobin laugh harder. He would have been annoyed, if not for the vibrations it sent through his dick – those were quite nice. Still though…
“You said you liked it when I told you what to do and now that I did, you’re just laughing at me. Stop giving me mixed signals, Soobinnie!”
“You look like a duck when you pout like that.”
“A very sexually frustrated duck.”
“Oh we can’t have that, can we? That would be animal cruelty.”
“For fuck’s sake, Soobin–,“ he cursed, ready to strangle the other if he didn’t get back to business anytime soon.
And to business he got.
“Can I touch your dick, hyung?”
The earnest question made Yeonjun’s brain screech to a halt.
“Wha– that’s– I uh…yeah”, he stuttered, cheeks flushing hotly. He’d been expecting to come in his pants within the next twenty seconds, but he wouldn’t fucking decline to get Soobn’s hand on his cock. “Y-yeah, of course.”
“There’s never gonna be of course, okay love? I’ll make sure to ask you,” Soobin promised and leaned up to kiss him. His pretty lips were enough of a distraction that Yeonjun almost missed the cold air of their living room suddenly caressing his cock – what he couldn’t have missed was the burn of Soobin’s hand following in its wake.
“Fuck, you’re pretty even down here,” Soobin blurted out. He was just holding Yeonjun’s dick and…staring at it.
“You’ve seen my dick before, Bin,” he giggled, pulling at Soobin’s chin so he would stop fucking looking at Yeonjun’s dick with the same adoration as one would a small animal.
“Not like this though”, Soobin answered breathlessly and pulled him back into a kiss. This one messier than before, unrefined presses of lips and gasps they exchanged while Soobin took his time exploring his handful. “‘s soft,” he mumbled into Yeonjun, gently petting and squeezing around his shaft, “‘nd you’re so slim, fuck. Would be so easy to take you, hyung, I’d be so fast prepping myself.”
“Y-yourself?” he hiccuped, panic and excitement swirling together with the arousal thrumming in his lower stomach. “I thought you preferred topping?”
“Mhm, prefer,” Soobin hummed, pulling back slightly to have a better view at Yeonjun’s lap where he had started stroking him torturously slowly, “being the operative word. That won’t stop me from having you every way at least once though. And,” he swiped his thumb across the head, gathering pre-come and spreading it until Yeonjun was glistening with it, “you just so happen to be the size of my favorite vibrator. So you can bet my sweet ass that I’m going to ride you into oblivion, hyung.”
“Hnggg, you can’t – god, Soobin – you can’t just say that!”
“What would you rather have me say, love?”
I don’t care, he thought desperately. He’d begun to writhe on Soobin’s lap, trying to get him to move his hand faster, but it stayed torturously slow. It barely moved at all, considering the size of it – he almost engulfed Yeonjun’s cock entirely, a mere inch or so popping out of his fist, so any movement just gave him…heat and friction pretty much all over.
Would this be what it felt like inside Soobin, he wondered, and promptly jerked in his grasp.
“Fuck…please. Binnie please, I need more than this.”
A dark cheshire grin spread across Soobin’s face at his words. Briefly, he worried that he’d deny his request, but then he felt the pace increase, felt himself slump further into Soobin as he bucked into his grip.
“Mhmm, see Junnie, didn’t I tell you to say what you want?” Soobin purred into his ear. He readjusted his grip on him, wriggling his free hand past his pants under his ass and spreading – oh god, he was going to die – his fingers from just behind his balls, along his taint and to his hole. “Want me to touch you here too?” he whispered, twisting his wrist on an upstroke in a way that made Yeonjun choke.
“Yes,” he whimpered out, “yes, yes, touch me, anything, anywhere, please just– Soobin!”
With his consent, Soobin did start touching. Such small, gentle motions, drawing circles into Yeonjun’s skin with the pads of his fingers, but the effect drove him insane. It felt like he was everywhere down there, every touch leaving him aching for more – hotter, harder, faster.
Soobin obeyed his wishes without even hearing them. His fingers pressed along his taint, the soft, fluttering pets quickly turning into a massage that was going to cost Yeonjun his sanity. He fucked into Soobin’s fist before trying to grind back against his fingers, to get more of the fleeting pleasure that zipped through him at every touch.
And then it did zip through him when he moved just right – or maybe it was Soobin, he couldn’t tell anymore. All he knew was that one particular press sparked a heat he knew, was intimately familiar with, one he craved more of. Leave it to his stupid sex guru boyfriend to find his prostate without even being inside him.
Of course, Soobin’s dark eyes picked up on his reaction, tracked how he threw back his head in a silent gasp as he dug his hands into Soobin’s shoulder. Had it been anyone else, the way he stared at him would have bothered Yeonjun, would have made him shy away. But Soobin was a different story. He knew Yeonjun, better than anyone, and with every second of staring, with every whine and moan he pulled out of him and memorized, he got to know him more intimately.
If he’d been able to, Yeonjun would have flayed himself open right then and there for Soobin to see. He’d allow the other to tear him apart, examine every piece of him and put him back together the way his love saw fit. Fuck, he’d let Soobin swallow him whole if he asked him right that second.
It wasn’t that which Soobin asked him for, though.
“Junnie,” he whispered feverishly, mouth tickling where it was pressed against his ear. “Junnie, fuck, I need to see you come. You’re so gorgeous, love, can you do it? Can you come for me?”
Could he? Coming would mean an end to this pleasure. Yeonjun was floating, almost incoherent with the way his blood was rushing in his ears, his body buzzing, ecstasy coursing through him. And still, he wanted. Needed. The pressure in his belly was building, spiraling up and up and up, and–
Soobin flicked his wrist up, pressed his thumb into his slit, commanded: “Come!”
And Yeonjun’s body obeyed. Exploded into a million sparks as he arched into Soobin, undecided whether he wanted to buck further into the hand on his cock or his taint, blindly chasing more of the feeling either way until he could feel himself fade before the pleasure could. His vision was fuzzy at the edges, vaguely fixed on a cereal dish one of them evidently had forgotten on the coffee table, and he swayed in Soobin’s grasp.
Too much, his brain faintly registered at that point. The pleasure was still pulsating through him, but it had taken on an edge of pain.
He whined, still writhing, but now with a different desperation.
“Bin…” he sobbed out, “Bin, stop, please. Can’t…”
And, like magic, Soobin’s grip vanished. Instead, his arms came up to cradle Yeonjun, pull him closer and rock them back and forth as the last sparks fizzled out.
He was listening to Soobin’s labored breathing while he tried to piece the world together again for himself.
In, out.
In, out.
In, out.
Soobin was a loud breather. A mouth breather, thanks to his perpetual rhinitis. It had driven Yeonjun insane when they’d started sharing a bed, not even the snores but the sheer volume of his breathing itself. Now though, the sound drained every last bit of tension from his limbs and let him sink deeper in the other’s embrace.
“You okay?” Soobin whispered, squeezing around his waist gently.
“Uh-huh,” he huffed where he was leaning heavily onto Soobin’s shoulder, “might have given me brain damage, but I think I’ll survive it.”
“So…okay for our first time together?” The insecurity in his voice was frankly astonishing.
“Okay?” Yeonjun scrambled to sit up and find Soobin’s stupid puppy eyes. “Are you insane? That was the best sex I’ve ever had and all you’ve done is touch my dick. You – and I will blame this fully on post-coital brain damage, okay, this won’t be repeated – but I think you may be an actual sex god. I can’t get it up again, but I still fucking want you.”
“Oh that’s– huh, good,” Soobin mumbled, cheeks flushing stupidly from the praise.
Sometimes Yeonjun wondered how the fuck his boyfriend’s self-perception worked. The switch from cocksure, confident sex god to pleased golden retriever puppy would give him whiplash one day.
“Baby, it was very fucking good, okay?” he leaned in, butting his nose against Soobin’s forehead as if trying to drive the point home that way. “You were fucking good, Soobin. And not just because you’re a veritable sex god, but because you’re you. My favorite person in the world.”
“Hyung stop, you’re getting sappy–“
“I know I am. Because I can’t believe that I get to have this, you! The hand you jerked me off with is the same one I broke as a kid. Isn’t that just…”
“Yeah,” Soobin breathed, eyes looking just as glossy as Yeonjun’s felt. Then, as if forcing to rein himself in, he said: “Although to be specific, it was my arm you broke–“
“Oh fuck off, Soobin.”
“I’d love to, actually,” Soobin giggled and bucked his hips up to rub torturously slowly against Yeonjun’s bare ass. “But someone told me they couldn’t get it up again.”
“Ughhhh and someone was serious about that,” he groaned tragically, “as much as I wish it was different, but neither my ass nor my dick are going to see any more action tonight, I think.”
“I’m just teasing, love. I don’t expect you to let me–“
Flapping his hands impatiently to stop wherever Soobin’s self-flaggelating mind was going again, Yeonjun interrupted: “I know that, stupid. You’d be the last person to push me, but babe– just cause my dick and ass are out of commission, doesn’t mean the rest of me is.”
With a (most likely ridiculous) wiggle of his eyebrows, he scooted back, off Soobin’s lap. The movement made him uncomfortably aware that his pants were still tucked under his buttocks. A nervous look to Soobin proved that the other had definitely noticed, although his dark eyes spoke more of arousal than the ridicule Yeonjun was sure he currently deserved.
“Don’t look!” he whined and forcefully pulled them up. Tacky cum inside his pants was definitely preferable to Soobin seeing his dick swing like a pendulum just seconds before he was gonna attempt to give him head. “I wanna look sexy, okay?”
“You do.”
“Don’t be a dick.”
Soobin mustered him with a ridiculously serious look when he said, voice grave: “Hyung, I’m not sure what you’re expecting me to think about you other than how sexy you look when you’re on your knees in front of me, dick and ass out, but I assure you – definitely thinking you’re sexy.”
What a pervert, Yeonjun thought privately and couldn’t help rolling his eyes at Soobin’s overly earnest expression.
“What are you, a caveman?”
The other grinned: “For you? Absolutely.”
“And here you were saying we were more than sex…” he pouted up at his boyfriend, “only to lose your mind the second you get me out of my pants.”
“We are–“ Soobin attempted to protest…
…but broke off with a gasp when Yeonjun lowered his pout onto the outline of his dick.
“Seriously Soobinnie, how did you even manage to control yourself for this long?” he mumbled into the stretched denim. It was warm under his lips, firm and indubitably large.
He knew this about Soobin. He’d known since they were teenagers and still showered together frequently. Soobin had a big dick – which was no big deal.
Except that it did feel like a big deal now, with his mouth dragging along the line of it.
“Ngh– don’t know Junnie,” Soobin choked out above him, throwing his head back as if he couldn’t bear to watch Yeonjun any longer. He hadn’t even unzipped his jeans or touched his dick properly yet, but Soobin’s hips were hitching impatiently already.
“Cute,” Yeonjun mumbled and leaned back down to mouth at the spot he figured Soobin’s tip must be. A sharp intake of breath proved him right. “That good already?”
“Mhmm,” Soobin groaned out above him, “I think you could do anything at all right now and I’d be happy. Fuck Yeonjun, you have no idea how long I’ve been dreaming about this.”
Anything?
Yeonjun paused.
He knew this was meant as a compliment – Soobin would never say anything if it wasn’t meant well – but…something about it didn’t sit right with him. If he could do anything at all and his boyfriend would still get off…
…that didn’t mean he was doing well. Just that Soobin was keyed up and had been pining after Yeonjun for long enough that anything would do.
But Yeonjun didn’t want that. He wanted to do this well, wanted Soobin to get off because he understood what his boyfriend needed.
“Hyung?”
He blinked, pulled from his spiraling thoughts by Soobin’s voice.
“Huh?”
“Uh– are you good?” The other questioned carefully, one hand reaching out but not quite making contact with Yeonjun’s hair.
“Hm? Yeah, why?” Had his wandering thoughts been that obvious?
His answer made Soobin flush. He hesitated, then pointed at Yeonjun, sitting frozen over his crotch. “You…kind of stopped?”
“Oh.” Very obvious, then. “Sorry, I was…I just thought about something.”
“Okay?”
“It’s not important. Sorry, I’m here.”
He could feel the all too familiar awkwardness creep in that had accompanied him through most of his sexual encounters before. It hadn’t happened yet with Soobin, but he knew it was bound to come back at some point. It was just…him. He was awkward when it came to sex. The trick was not to let the weird feeling in his gut take over – he had to push through or he’d freeze entirely.
“Uh…is it cool if I– I mean, can I open your…pants?” he stuttered out, feeling his cheeks flame in embarrassment.
Soobin looked at him for a drawn out moment before nodding slowly: “Yeah, of course you can. Do you want me to just take them off?”
“Uh…” Was he ready for that? For having Soobin completely bare in front of him right away, dick, ass and all? “Yeah, uh…yeah, that’s probably more practical, huh?”
“I don’t have to, you know? You don’t have to…” Soobin trailed off before cringing at his own words. “Sorry, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”
Yeonjun could only blink at him in confusion. What was Soobin talking about?
“Sorry yeah, not going to make decisions for us anymore. Here, I’ll just–” he was shuffling out of his pants and briefs before Yeonjun could fully grasp what he was saying, throwing them to the side carelessly before settling back on the carpet. “This good?”
Good. What was the meaning of good, Yeonjun wondered distantly as he stared at Soobin waist down. The visual – that was good. Amazing, gorgeous, breathtaking even. Mouthwatering, if he was honest.
But the prospect of actually putting his mouth on that…thing? He wouldn’t necessarily call that good.
Daunting, more like.
Terrifying, if he was honest.
“Yeah, that’s perfect,” he whispered instead, reaching out with shaking hands.
Being this scared of a cock was silly. Even if it was big – but that wasn’t the issue anyway. He knew it wasn’t. Sure, Yeonjun would never be able to deep throat Soobin. But such a scenario was so far off from the present moment, worrying about it was laughable.
No, he wasn’t worried about his ability to take it. He was worried about his ability, full stop.
But he’d given blowjobs before. Few and far between, but he’d tried it. This wasn’t new territory, so he’d just…do what he’d always done.
He let his hands trail up and down Soobin’s shaft as he worked up the courage to lean in. It felt nice in his hand. Velvety soft and warm. He could do this forever, he mused absently, just feel the weight of it in his hands, commit the texture of it to memory, listen to the little sighs Soobin let out on every upstroke.
But that wouldn’t get them anywhere, would it?
One large breath and he leaned in, only to hesitate with his lips no more than a breath away from the head of Soobin’s dick. Should he kiss it? Lick it? Bob down and suck right away? Was there a right way to start this?
God you’re fucking disgusting, do you know that?
He shifted on his knees, trying to force the voice back into his memories where it belonged. It didn’t belong here, in this moment, with them.
A lick seemed like a decent start, right? Not too prudish, but also not too forward.
Yeonjun stuck out his tongue, carefully getting closer to the spongy head. Just touching, at first, pressing against it, learning its shape. Soobin hummed quietly again. It couldn’t be so bad then.
You look like a toddler slobbering away at a popsicle, for fuck’s sake.
As soon as the memory shot through his head, Yeonjun sucked his tongue back in. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, why couldn’t the asshole stay quiet even now? It had been years since then, why was he still so stuck on this?
There was no helping it though, he thought. He could do without tongue, then.
Carefully opening up and making sure his lips covered his teeth, Yeonjun tried his best to take Soobin into his mouth. He couldn’t get too far – Soobin wasn’t just long, he was wide too – but he thought that was okay for now. At least he hadn’t gagged–
Fuck, I thought you were gonna throw up all over my dick. What is wrong with you?!
– yet.
Yeonjun yanked his head back, eyes wide. He hadn’t even been close to gagging on Soobin’s cock, but just the memory of his ex, hunched over him with his hands in his hair, berating him for choking on his dick after he’d shoved it in without a single thought for Yeonjun was enough to make him nauseous.
“Junnie?” Soobin’s voice drifted through the fog of his memories, “love, are you alright?”
He nodded in reflex, looking up to find Soobin staring at him: “Yeah, I– I just–”
Useless. So fucking useless. First you’re begging me to suck my dick like a whore and then you can’t even do it. What a waste of time.
“I–” he tried again, but the voice only got stronger the more he attempted to push it away again.
Why do I even bother with you?
“You..?” Soobin prompted gently.
When the seconds ticked by and he didn’t get an answer, he made to sit up. Panic shot through Yeonjun at the motion – he couldn’t let Soobin move away. It would ruin the mood, would prove that he couldn’t do it.
“No no no, stay there, lay back down,” he sputtered frantically, dropping his dick and instead shoving uselessly against Soobin’s abs. “I can do it, I’m gonna do it, okay, just lay back down, Soobin.”
Instead of following his pushes, Soobin strained against him: “Hyung, I–”
“Please, just let me–”
Soobin shook his head, trying to grab a hold of his hands as he interrupted again: “Yeonjun–”
“–just let me try, I promise I can–” he was begging by now. On his knees, begging his boyfriend to just let him try sucking his dick again.
Pathetic. You’re such a pathetic slut.
“Stop!”
The shout rang through the living room, freezing not only Yeonjun but also the venomous voice inside his head.
More quietly, Soobin repeated: “Stop. Please stop, right now. Can you do that for me, Junnie?”
His face was deadly serious, dark eyes boring into Yeonjun’s as he waited for a response.
“O-okay?” It was barely a whisper. He was choking up, could feel the tears rising in his eyes. “But…why?”
When he agreed, Soobin finally let go of his hands, instead lifting one of his to cradle Yeonjun’s face. It felt nice. Safe. Even though it forced him to keep the same intense eye contact that made his belly flutter anxiously.
But Soobin’s voice was kind and gentle as he explained: “I’m asking you to stop because I’m not fully comfortable right now and I want to talk about it before we continue. Okay?”
Not comfortable? Soobin?
How? Why?
Where had Yeonjun fucked up?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered desperately, “I’m sorry baby, what– I don’t know what I did, but I’m so sorry–”
“Hey, hey, you didn’t do anything, it’s okay.”
“But you’re uncomfortable, I made you uncomfortable–” his breath hitched. The thought alone was stealing his breath away, made him feel sick to his stomach.
“Hyung, calm down–”
“How am I supposed to calm down when I–”
“When you what, love?” Soobin murmured and pulled Yeonjun up so he was halfway sprawled on his lap. “You don’t even know what I’m going to say, so please stop freaking out.”
“But I don’t want you to feel bad–”
“I know that,” Soobin soothed. He was holding Yeonjun close now, one arm wrapped securely around his waist, one still cradling his cheek. “And I’m not feeling bad now, okay? That’s why I asked you to stop so we could talk before either of us could feel bad, okay?”
The way he stressed either of us sent a new frisson of anxiety through Yeonjun.
Still, if Soobin said he was okay, that he stopped him before anything got bad – that was a good thing, right?
“Okay,” he mumbled, “okay, so…what’s wrong then?”
For a second, the reassuring calm on Soobin’s face seemed to waver and he looked just as lost as Yeonjun was feeling.
“Uhm. I–” he sighed deeply. “I don’t know how to put this, because I feel like…fuck. I feel like no matter what or how I say it, I’ll make you feel like you did something wrong. Which you didn’t.”
He stared intently at Yeonjun as if waiting for an answer.
Yeonjun didn’t have one. He wished he could deny what Soobin was saying. He would have denied it in any other situation. In fact, he’d probably be offended if Soobin said it in another situation – because why would Yeonjun just assume that he did something wrong?
But right now? When it came to sex?
That was definitely what he was feeling like. He’d been feeling like that the entire time he’d attempted to blow Soobin.
“Okay,” he finally said. There was nothing else to say.
“Okay?”
He nodded silently. He’d wait for whatever Soobin had to say and try to keep an open mind, try to remember that he said he hadn’t done anything wrong. But he’d probably still think it, and that had to be okay for now.
“Uh…right,” Soobin grimaced, “so…when you were giving me head–”
Yeonjun flushed violently at the blatant way he put it, but still managed to keep eye contact.
“–did you actually feel like doing it?”
Feel like it?
“I wanted to do it,” he said slowly. He didn’t understand what Soobin was getting at, he’d said that he wanted to do it.
Soobin stroked his cheek reassuringly. “I know, but did you feel like it? Once you started?”
“I…I still wanted to..?”
Yeonjun felt stupid. As if he wasn’t getting something basic, something essential. And he could tell that Soobin considered this basic with the way he frowned up at him.
“I know you wanted to, hyung,” he confirmed slowly, “you kept saying that even after I tried to stop you. But did you feel like doing it? Did you enjoy it?”
The questions felt like acid spreading through his body, starting from his gut.
Had he enjoyed it?
At first, yeah. When he’d teased Soobin through his jeans. When Soobin had reacted so well, to the tiniest touch. Until…
Until he’d said Yeonjun could do anything. Until he’d started to think about his skills and how they would never be enough to get Soobin off if he wasn’t so into him already. Until he’d heard his ex’s voice every time he attempted to do something.
He hadn’t enjoyed that.
“No,” he whispered, shame swallowing him slowly. He could feel hot tears on his cheeks and couldn’t even place what feeling had caused them exactly. The stress and discomfort from earlier? Worry about having hurt Soobin? The shame that he couldn’t even enjoy a simple act like blowing his boyfriend? He didn’t know. “I’m sorry, Soobin, I didn’t.”
“I thought so,” Soobin nodded, pulling Yeonjun closer so he could rest his forehead against Soobin’s, “that’s why I didn’t want to keep going. You…you looked like you didn’t want to be there at all, hyung.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
As if he was speaking to an upset kid, Soobin asked: “What are you saying sorry for?”
And, just like a kid, Yeonjun wasn’t sure what the right answer was. Finally, he hesitantly offered: “I ruined the mood, didn’t I?”
It wasn’t the right answer.
“That’s what you’re sorry for?!” Soobin asked. He sounded scandalized, frown back in full glory.
“...Yeah?”
“Hyung…” Soobin looked genuinely pained as he said it, “fuck, why would you be– why would that matter?”
“Huh?”
Why wouldn’t it matter?
Soobin just shook his head as if Yeonjun’s confusion made no sense: “Why would it matter if you ruined the mood? You weren’t enjoying it, end of story. That’s…that’s just a boundary, okay? We’re not doing stuff if we’re not both into it.”
“But…but I said I would blow you…” he stuttered. Nothing was making sense right now.
“And you started and didn’t like it,” Soobin said matter of factly, “that’s okay, hyung! It’ll never not be okay if you’re not feeling something. But I need you to tell me.”
“It wasn’t that bad–”
“I don’t care how bad it was. I don’t want you to feel like you need to do something just to satisfy me. Ever. Because I don’t enjoy this if you’re not fully on board too.” Soobin explained slowly, face serious. “Do you know how horrible I felt watching you blow me while looking scared out of your mind?”
“I did?”
His boyfriend grimaced: “Yes. Shit. I don’t know why, and it’s okay if you don’t want to share why, but I need you to stop if this happens again. Okay? I’m– I’m trying not to read into stuff again, I really am, okay, but if I feel like you’re not okay, I can’t have sex with you, hyung.”
“I just didn’t want to do anything wrong,” Yeonjun blurted out. “It wasn’t bad at first, I was just nervous and a bit lost on what to do, but then–”
“Then what?”
He couldn’t hold Soobin’s stare when he answered: “My ex. I kept…hearing my ex.”
The effect was instant. Soobin grew rigid under him, his hold tightening imperceptibly.
“What do you mean?” he questioned urgently.
“He would…say things. When I tried with him. It– I wasn’t good at it, so he’d say…things.”
“What kind of things?”
Yeonjun closed his eyes, trying to distance himself from the words even as he spoke them: “...bad things. Called me names, said I was disgusting. Pathetic. A slut who wasn’t even good at–”
“Oh hyung…”
He shook his head. He couldn’t let Soobin interrupt him before he got this out: “I know you wouldn’t say those things, Soobinnie. I know that, so I tried to keep going. I didn’t want him to ruin it for us, but…he was right.” He laughed bitterly, “I have no clue what to do, so how could I be good for you?”
“You don’t have to be–” Soobin jumped to say, but again Yeonjun waved him off.
“I know, I KNOW, you said I could do anything and it would be good,” he repeated his earlier word’s, “but I don’t want that. I want to be good, I want to know what I’m doing and what you like and I– god I just want to make you come, Soobin. Is that too much to ask?”
Soobin stared at him for a moment, shocked by the outburst. Then, he slowly shook his head: “It’s not. Shh, it’s not, love. I’m sorry I said that about anything being fine, I didn’t mean–”
“I know that,” he repeated once more, “I know…but I just want to be able to make you feel good. And not because you’re so keyed up it doesn’t take much, or because you’re really into me. I want to do it, my hands, my mouth. Not anything else.”
“Okay. Okay, I get that.”
He should have been soothed by Soobin’s understanding, but…
“But I can’t. So he was right.”
“He wasn’t fucking right,” Soobin growled, “he was an abusive asshole who had no clue about sex and he let that out on you. I’ve said it before and I stand by this: You’re not bad at sex, hyung. You’re inexperienced, sure, and clearly have a lot of hang ups thanks to your douchebag-ex, but that doesn’t make you bad. You just have to learn and get comfortable.”
He knew that. He knew that anybody could learn. But he was a non-virgin in his mid-twenties – he should know this by now. It was embarrassing having to learn and it must be annoying for Soobin to have to put up with him sucking at sex before getting better.
It took Yeonjun three tries to put those thoughts into a sentence, but when he finally got it out, he felt relief crashing down on him. He hadn’t realized how much this worry had been weighing on him until he’d spoken it out loud.
Soobin had listened patiently, holding onto him just as steadily as he had the entire time. But when he’d finally ground out the last part – ‘Isn’t it annoying for you to have to bear with me?’ – he’d snorted as if the thought was ridiculous.
“Why would it be annoying, hyung?” Soobin shook his head, a small smile on his lips. “At the risk of offending you once again, hyung: it’s you. I’m crazy about you. I love trying new things with you, being close to you, touching you. Sex is all of the above. And frankly, I don’t really care right now whether you’re a sex god – I care about doing this with you and having a good time together. And if that means going slow, watching you learn and grow comfortable again with something that has been a really bad experience for you in the past then…then that’s an honor, Junnie. You trusting me with your body and your heart means everything to me. Okay?”
The words were too much for Yeonjun to take in without letting them completely overwhelm him right now. As much as he needed to hear them, as much as he loved Soobin for telling him – he couldn’t deal with so much sincerity right now.
“Even if I drool on your dick?” he quipped instead of a proper answer.
As always, Soobin understood instantly. He picked up the comment and answered with a grin: “You know, a lot of people find that pretty hot actually.”
Now this was news to him.
“What?”
Soobin giggled: “Yeah, love. Sex is messy, people are into that.”
He squinted at his boyfriend suspiciously: “Are you into that?”
“I wouldn’t say drooling is what does it for me, but it’s also not a turnoff?” Soobin mused, much too serious for such a question: “Just something that happens sometimes when sucking dick, you know?”
“I don’t. Clearly,” he deadpanned.
“Well, you do now,” Soobin smiled, only to grow serious again, “I’m not going to find you disgusting for a normal physical reaction, hyung, I promise. Bodily fluids are kind of an inevitable part of sex.”
“And if I threw up on you during?”
He felt like a stupid teenager, ans if he was asking his boyfriend what he’d do if he turned into a worm.
“I’d be very grateful if you didn’t, but in the unlikely scenario that this happens, we’d just deal with it, wouldn’t we?” Soobin nudged his nose against Yeonjun’s.
He really was too good for this world. Yeonjun couldn’t believe he got lucky enough to date this man.
“Okay,” he nodded, “okay, I– thank you, baby. I needed to hear that. And I might need to hear it again at some point…maybe multiple times.”
“I’ll remind you whenever you need it,” Soobin promised, “but it would be helpful if you could tell me when you do.”
“I’ll try to,” he mumbled. He meant it.
“Thank you, Junnie.”
He shook his head. If there’s anyone who should be saying thank you…
“No…no, thank you, Binnie. I– I’m so screwed up and you’re still so patient with me.”
“You’re worth being patient with. You always have been.”
Soobin’s gaze was so unbelievably earnest, it almost made Yeonjun choke up again. But the time for tears was over – for real this time. He didn’t want the night to end like this.
He wanted to suck off his boyfriend.
He really did.
He was feeling it.
“So you’d be patient with me for a little longer?” he asked coyly. “For tonight?”
Soobin blinked up at him in confusion: “Yeah, of course. I told you, we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”
“And if I do want it? Would you be patient with me while I learn?”
“To blow me?” Soobin asked, brows raised. “Tonight? After everything?”
“It’s okay if you don’t feel like it anymore…”
“No, I– I do. I’m just surprised you do.”
“I want to suck you off. I’ve wanted it for a long time, I just…don’t want to feel dumb while doing it,” admitting it felt weird. He was embarrassed about not wanting to feel embarrassed. Insecurities were such bullshit. The human psyche sucked.
Soobin nodded though as if he perfectly understood. “Okay. How do I help you not feel dumb?”
That…was a good question. Yeonjun had felt dumb most times he had sex, so it was difficult to say what would help.
He hadn’t felt dumb earlier, but that was when Soobin had taken care of him. He didn’t really have to do much then, other than giving up control and letting it happen. That wasn’t really an option here, if he was the one giving head.
He tried not to let his cluelessness upset him, but he was sure it showed in his petulant shrug: “I don’t know.”
Soobin looked at him thoughtfully. Finally, he asked: “You felt comfortable last time, didn’t you?”
“Earlier? Yeah, of course. But I didn’t have to do anything then.”
“I didn’t mean that, but I’m glad you were comfortable then too. I actually meant that time, the first one? In front of Gyu…”
“Huh?” he stared at Soobin as if he’d lost his mind, “the dry humping?!”
Soobin nodded serenely: “Yeah. You were really nervous before that too. But it turned out fine, right? You felt comfortable?”
Thinking back to it, he felt faint. Turned out fine was one way to put it. Almost made him come in his pants, sexually enlightened him, and violently dragged his carefully suppressed feelings for his best friend out in the open would be much more accurate.
“Uh, yeah. I was…comfortable. Minus the Beomgyu watching us part. It was hot.”
“So do you think it would work if we did it like that again? If I talked you through giving me head?”
Oh.
Oh that was…
Yeonjun felt like he was going to disintegrate just thinking about it. Soobin telling him what to do, what he liked…letting him know when he was doing good…
Yeah, that…
“That sounds good,” he gasped, color high in his cheeks.
“Yeah? You’re sure?” Soobin asked, turning Yeonjun by the chin to meet his eyes. “You can say no, hyung. I need you to be honest.”
This man would kill him. One day, he surely would.
“I’m sure. I…I liked that.” He pulled his hands from Soobin’s shoulders, hiding his flaming face from his boyfriend’s stare. “You telling me what to do, I…I really liked it.”
“Oh.” Now it was Soobin’s turn to blush. “Oh, that’s…good. Very good. Ahem.”
“Yes, good, splendid. Could we get to the you telling me what to do part now? I’m dying over here.”
“It’s important to talk about these things.”
“I know, I know. And we’ve done that, but I’m about to melt if I have to admit to any more deeply embarrassing things, Soobin, so please just tell me how to suck your dick now. Please.”
“Alright, uh. Well, first it would be good to get me hard again.”
They both looked between them, where Soobin’s dick had definitely gone flaccid again during their talk.
“Okay. Okay, I can do that,” he said, then reconsidered, “Uh…how do I do that?”
“You have a dick yourself, what do you mean how?” Soobin asked exasperatedly.
“You’re supposed to teach me!”
Soobin was still looking at him like he’d lost his mind: “You successfully got me hard plenty of times, hyung, I think you hardly need an explanation.”
“We were making out then!” Yeonjun yelled. This was all so unfair, first he promised him to teach him and be patient and then–
“Then make out with me?”
“Oh.”
Right, he could do that.
It felt a little weird to lean in with the intention of getting his boyfriend hard again, like there had suddenly been more pressure added to the kiss. But those thoughts disappeared the second Yeonjun met Soobin’s lips.
The other answered with a sigh, pulling Yeonjun close until they were pressed hip to shoulder. Familiar warmth spread through him. This he knew, this he loved.
The realization shot through him out of nowhere. Soobin. He loved Soobin.
He didn’t just love being close to him, feeling safe in his arms – he loved him. All of him. From his incredible kindness to his annoying shower habits and weirdly big toes. Everything about this man was what Yeonjun wanted in life.
In a desperate attempt to keep him even closer, he sunk his fist into Soobin’s hair and pulled. He hadn’t anticipated the low moan it wrenched from Soobin, nor the way he bucked up into him.
“Fuck Junnie,” he gasped against his lips before taking them again, much less coordinated than before. What had started out soft and searching had quickly become frantic. They moved against each other with the single-minded need to be even closer, to melt into the other.
At least, that’s what Yeonjun wanted – to fuse himself to Soobin, become part of his every move, every breath. Be inside him, have him inside Yeonjun.
Soon. They’d get to that, but for now–
“Can I suck you off now?” he gasped out, forcing himself to pull away slightly. He didn’t think he could wait any longer, needed to hear Soobin moan again like that.
“Yeah, fuck, yeah okay. I think I should–” he let out a drawn out groan when Yeonjun moved onto his neck, nibbling along a prominent vein he’d always found particularly distracting, “fuuuuck, hyung, yeah, I’m definitely ready to go now.”
“Yeah? You’re hard?”
“Painfully so.”
“Okay. Okay, then I’ll just…” he trailed off, aimlessly gesturing behind himself.
“Yeah, scoot back a little,” Soobin nodded, “and make sure to get comfortable, okay love?”
“How…is there a position you’d recommend?”
“On your knees isn’t bad, if you’re wearing comfy pants? Just scooch back far enough so your neck doesn’t hurt when you, uh, go up and down. Otherwise you can lay on your belly, but I think it limits the range of motion, so I don’t do it like that.”
As clinical as the instructions were, they made Yeonjun feel a million times better than the first time they’d tried. Sure, it wasn’t exactly sexy to hear about strained necks, but it kept him from questioning his every move.
“Like this?” he asked when he was finally crouched in a position he thought he could hold comfortably for a while. He was trying not to stare at Soobin’s dick too much, though it proved difficult considering it was right in front of him.
“Yeah, that looks good. Do you feel good?”
“I think so? If not, I’ll adjust later.”
“Okay. Do you want to start then?”
“Please.”
Beneath him, Soobin’s dick twitched.
Oh. So he liked it when Yeonjun said please? Interesting.
“Okay. There’s not really a right or wrong way to start a blowjob, to be honest,” Soobin explained. Yeonjun could hear his excitement through the forced calm of his voice despite his attempt to hide it, “It depends on preference and the context. Personally, I like to start slow and work my way up, so how about you use your hands first?”
“Like I did earlier?”
Soobin nodded: “Yeah. Just stroke me, get a feeling for it. It’ll feel different in your hands than your own dick, so…”
“Did you just call me small, Binnie?” he teased as he followed Soobin’s instructions. This was so much less nerve-wracking than the first time he tried.
“No, I–”
“Hush, Mr. Sex Guru, I’m messing with you,” he twisted his wrist on an upstroke, very satisfied with the hiss coming from Soobin, “I know you like my dick too much to bully it. But I happen to like your stupid monster cock…and that it’s bigger than mine.”
“How the fuck do you still think you’re bad at sex?” Soobin whimpered, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Fuck, you’re so hot when you’re like this, Junnie.”
“A size queen?”
“Confident.”
“I’m only confident because you’re here to tell me what to do,” he pointed out. It didn’t even sting to admit anymore.
Soobin scoffed: “So? You’re doing amazing. You have every reason to be confident.”
“I’d like to be confident at blowing you, not just giving a handjob,” he answered drily, still focused on stroking Soobin.
“Fine, put your mouth on me then.”
“Wha– that’s not how it works! You’re supposed to tell me how!”
His outburst only brought a cheeky grin to Soobin’s face: “That’s exactly how it works, love.”
“Soobin,” he hissed, feeling his nerves creeping back in.
“Junnie,” Soobin smiled down at him, dimples in full force, “I really don’t care how your mouth lands on my dick, okay? I’d be fine with you nuzzling against it like a cat, even. So just…put it on there, hm? You could start with a kiss, if that helps.”
“A kiss?” he questioned. It sounded…almost childish. What was he supposed to do, make out with his boyfriend’s dick?
It was what Soobin seemed to be suggesting though, going by the way he shrugged and admitted: “Yeah, I– I think it’s nice. When you, uh…”
“When I’m nice to it?”
He didn’t expect Soobin to blush this hard, but the younger nodded quickly. His lips were pressed together in the way he did when something embarrassed him and he didn’t want it to show. Absolutely useless, because Yeonjun could read Soobin’s dimples better than Hangul.
So this was a thing. Huh.
Slowly he leaned forward and placed a kiss right on the tip. When he pulled back and licked his lips, he could taste Soobin on them, salty and a little sour. Above him, Soobin groaned and hid again behind his arm.
“You need to tell me when I’m doing okay, please,” Yeonjun reminded him quietly. It was easier to focus on what he was doing when Soobin’s voice was there to drown out his doubts…and worse.
“You’re doing perfect, love,” Soobin breathed, carefully controlling his voice. “Love your lips so much, so this is…”
“My lips?” he wondered out loud and leaned back in to try it again.
This time, he lingered for longer, less of a peck and more of a kiss. It felt nice, actually. The skin was moist and velvety under his lips and when he began to mouth at the head, he could feel every ridge and divot.
“Just– hah, just like this, Junnie. Tease me a little, let me feel your lips all over. Fi-ngh, figure out what I like.”
He pulled back and said cheekily: “but you’re supposed to tell me what you like, Binnie.”
It wasn’t fair – he could see that Soobin was struggling a little, and he didn’t feel like he actually needed the step by step instruction right now. But he did like listening to Soobin, doing exactly what he said.
“Shit, okay. There’s a vein…along the underside of my dick? I like when that’s touched.”
“Lips or tongue?”
“Both – fuck.”
Yeonjun had barely given Soobin time to answer before he’d made his way down his cock to mouth along the vein. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, he had to crick his head to the side slightly to do it, but the little noises Soobin let out above him were worth it. He really needed to hear how different they might be when he used his tongue…
“So good,” Soobin mumbled, “feels good, hyung.”
He would have answered, but he was a bit busy with his mouth right now. There wasn’t just the one vein on Soobin’s cock. He could follow them from one to the next with the tip of his tongue, up and down the shaft until he finally made his way back to the big one.
Beneath his hands, Soobin’s thighs were twitching.
“More, Junnie. Need more. A little firmer. Your hands again, and you could try sucking on the head.”
“Okay baby, I’ll try,” he whispered and set to work. Except the skin was tacky from his spit now and didn’t do well with dry hands.
“Spit,” Soobin instructed, voice suddenly hoarse and dark eyes set on Yeonjun.
“Thought you didn’t care for drool?” he asked lightly and spat into his hand.
“You’re hardly drooling.”
“For you I would, baby.”
“Maybe I’d be into drool then, if it was yours.”
“Romantic,” he quipped, before bracing himself and taking Soobin into his mouth.
He was still big – so big – but it wasn’t scary anymore. Soobin had told him to do this, after all.
“So warm,” he mumbled, “feels good, hyung. You can try sucking now, if you want.”
It was an odd sensation. Yeonjun had never sucked on something bigger than a popsicle, at least not that he recalled, so it felt weird in his mouth. He slowly slid up, not releasing the pressure until his lips slid off the tip an Soobin bucked up, as if trying to follow his mouth.
“Like this?”
“Exactly like that. Now move your hands, too, and add more spit when it starts feeling dry.”
It sounded so…easy.
“That’s it?” he asked, just to be sure.
“It’s not exactly rocket science, hyung.”
“No I mean…you don’t want me to go deeper?”
Soobin threw him a rare judgmental look: “Yeonjun, be for real. You’ve called it a monster cock several times now, let’s not push it for today, okay?”
Granted, he had, but…
“But is it going to be good for you still?”
“Hyung,” Soobin sounded like his patience was about to run out, like Yeonjun wasn’t understanding a fundamental truth here: “I’ve got both of your hands on me, and your mouth. I’m practically in heaven, okay? You’re doing really amazing.”
“I am?”
“You are. I promise, love.” He sounded so sure about his words that Yeonjun felt the last remnants of doubt vanish from his mind.
“Okay. Just…let me know if you need me to change something, yeah?”
He waited for Soobin’s reassuring nod before going back to what he’d been doing. It was a lot to coordinate at first, but once he got a rhythm going, the movements just flowed. The small hitches of Soobin’s hips helped too, so much that Yeonjun encouraged him with a quick squeeze to his butt.
“You’re sure?” Soobin panted, clearly holding back.
Mouth still around his cock, Yeonjun rolled his eyes and sank down a little further, determined. It kept getting easier – and with that, it finally became fun.
By now, Soobin was grinding his hips steadily into Yeonjun’s hands, helpless as he let out little moans every time Yeonjun pulled off his cock with a pop only to mouth at the slit for a little before sinking back down. It felt good to have Soobin under him like this, murmuring semi-coherent praise as Yeonjun learned every inch of him with his tongue. Powerful, even, to have this much control over someone else's pleasure.
“Faster,” Soobin finally gasped out. His hands were scrabbling at the carpet, knuckles white. “Please, hyung, need it faster.”
Yeonjun yielded easily to the request. He could feel it in his jaw by now, in his hands. They were starting to get sore, cramping slightly. It was a distant discomfort though, compared to everything else. He could watch Soobin’s abs clench, felt the growing strength behind his bucking hips, still controlled but increasingly desperate.
And his voice…
It had dropped even lower as he kept letting out the litany of praises for Yeonjun:
“So good for me, hyung.”
“So hot around me, fuck.”
“Oh my god, just like that.”
Every syllable sank into him like a healing balm, putting his fractured confidence back together part for part. With every hitched breath, every moan, every whimper, Soobin made him feel more sure of what he was doing.
“Please. God, please please please, so close Junnie,” Soobin gasped again, writhing underneath him, “just a little– fuck, just a little more.”
Yeonjun wasn’t sure what exactly more meant, and apart from that he wasn’t sure if Soobin could actually tell him even if he bothered to ask. He didn’t feel like he had to, though.
He could do this.
“Oh god,” Soobin sobbed out when Yeonjun tightened his grip on him and sucked even harder.
Suddenly, there was a hand in his hair, not grasping but holding on as if for dear life. He didn’t think much of it at first until he realized that Soobin was…petting him? The movements were clumsy, but he was definitely attempting to stroke his hair.
“Good, good, so good, so perfect, my Junnie. So perfect for me, Junnie. Junnie, Junnie, Junnie,” Soobin was blabbering, brows drawn together as if in pain.
He looked hot, even like this, Yeonjun thought. And he was all his.
He closed his eyes to focus fully on Soobin again. Yeonjun wanted to feel every tremble, take in every drop of come when he got him there. All of this was his, all of it was for him, because of him.
Maybe it was this moment of greed, of possession that made him swallow around Soobin’s cock, the urge to take him inside himself finally taking over – whatever it was, it was the right instinct.
Soobin’s orgasm rocked through them both like a crashing wave and Yeonjun was pulled under. Everything had become Soobin – hands in his hair holding him down, his pulsing cock in his mouth, the taste of him on his tongue, his drawn-out moan in his ears. He had taken over every one of Yeonjun’s senses and he never wanted it to end.
It had to, of course. At some point Soobin began to twitch from sensitivity, pulling a regretful Yeonjun off his cock. He smacked his lips in an attempt to savour the moment, blinking up at Soobin through wet lashes.
“Was it okay, baby?” he asked, voice wrecked.
The question hung between them for a moment, filling the silence as much as Soobin’s quiet panting did. Yeonjun hadn’t meant it as a heavy question, but the longer he waited for an answer, the heavier it seemed to grow.
Except that Soobin…started to giggle?
“I’m sorry, hyung, it’s just–” he wheezed, struggling to get out the words, “only you would ask if it was okay after such an orgasm. Of course you’d be a dick sucking prodigy, and of course you’d be oblivious to it.”
“You– I–” he stammered, cheeks flaming from the praise, “you mean it was…good?”
“Really good, Junnie,” Soobin grinned, and reached down to pull Yeonjun towards him again. He landed heavily on top of him, knocking the breath out of them both. It didn’t stop Soobin praising him though: “You did so well, love. I knew you would.”
He knew Soobin was being honest, but he still couldn’t help himself asking: “Really?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“I don’t want you to die though,” he pouted and nudged his nose against Soobin’s.
“And I won’t, since I’m telling the truth,” Soobin nudged back against him. His voice was playful, but his eyes were earnest as he said it. “You really were great, hyung. Forget everything that asshole ever said – you were perfect for me, okay?”
“Perfect seems like a stretch,” Yeonjun grumbled. He liked the praise, but there was no need to overdo it.
“But you were,” Soobin insisted, “maybe you’ll be even more perfect next time, but I wouldn’t change a thing about this moment. Would you?”
Would he?
Yeonjun definitely hadn’t expected their first time to be tearful and full of interruptions. He could easily do without his crippling insecurities that kept rearing their ugly heads when he needed them the least.
But would he change what they’d shared today?
“No. I don’t think I would.”
“See? I told you – perfect,” Soobin whispered and leaned in to plant the softest kiss on Yeonjun’s lips. “You’re so perfect to me, Junnie.”
It was a ridiculous thing to say after everything that had happened today. So many misunderstandings and near-fights that had, ultimately, been caused by Yeonjun not speaking up about his issues. And here his boyfriend was, calling him perfect – and meaning it.
He’d let him think that for now, Yeonjun decided as he snuggled into Soobin further, burying his face in his neck. And then he’d show him perfect, the next time they slept together. When they went all the way.
But that would come eventually. Just like they had.