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The cavernous halls and high ceilings of her castle seemed to stretch on into the depths of the universe, making her feel small, trivial. Unneeded.
She was Queen of the Realm now, yet for all her new responsibilities were weighing on her, for all she was urged to pick up the mantle where her father could not…
Aphmau felt lost. Like she was constantly in a state of limbo, swimming through a fog. She couldn't grasp the weight of her new duties—but at least her friends were there for her to make her load a little lighter.
Her sister, Kawaii-Chan, seemed like she was taking on most of Aphmau's queenly duties, almost as if she were Regent. Aphmau didn't mind, though. She knew KC was grieving the loss of their father too…though it wasn't so much that that had her in a state of depression.
Every day she found herself preoccupied. After going on her life changing journey through the countryside and killing the evil witch that sought to usurp her family's dynasty—she thought, even with her father dead, that she could achieve happiness with the knight that had saved her.
With the man that protected her.
With the one she…
Aphmau had never been in love.
Her life was full of advisors and dignitaries, noble children from other high families that were deeply intertwined with the history of her own. She knew that one day she would have to marry and produce an heir—and she felt no dissatisfaction with her lot in life. It was strictly business, she knew. Royals seldom married for love. They had duties to perform, every last one of them.
But when she had gone on that journey, aided by the rogue knight, she was already wracking her brain for ways that, as the Queen of the Realm, she would pull strings and instate him as her consort, or at least as her personal guard. And that was before that night when, under the light of the moon deep in the woods, she had finally laid eyes on the face beneath the mask.
She had lain with him, sharing her body with him in a way that she thought was sure to mean he would take the vows of a true knight, that he would stay by her side, but—
“Sorry, Princess. The world doesn't revolve around you.”
He left.
Ghosted.
…Aphmau felt exhausted. No matter how much sleep she got, she could never fight past the fog that was ever present in her mind.
She spent hours going through the motions, unfeeling and just barely meeting the requirements her duties called of her. Kawaii-Chan surely noticed, as did Zane, the close friend she made on her journey. With the use of magic they had managed to restore his mortality, and he now worked very closely with the royal sisters—though he very deliberately checked up on her day after day. It was very sweet, and on some level Aphmau could see all he was doing…
But it wasn't enough to feel anything other than the hollowness that haunted her.
Today, she sat in her dark purple silks—she had begun training as a knight, the greatsword given to her always kept on her person. She opted less for the gowns and finery of her childhood, and more for the practical trousers and vests of a knight-in-training, although they were still dyed with the rich colors of purple and red befitting royalty. She found the colors in her wardrobe leaning towards the darker end of the spectrum, more and more red sneaking into her palate by the day—the red reminded her of him.
Made her feel like maybe he was a little bit closer.
In the Great Hall where other dignitaries and small folk alike were received, she sat, utterly alone.
When she constantly felt alone and isolated, sometimes actually being in her own company felt more natural. It was less of a strain, versus having people she knew cared about her fluttering over her shoulders constantly. Eyeing her when they could tell something was wrong, that she wasn't acting like her usual self. Every now and then, she was able to put that hollowness aside, rise above the undercurrent of despair that was constantly her only companion…
But now, she was alone. The doors of the Great Hall were shut tight, and the palace was silent.
She stared on and on, thinking about everything and nothing.
Thinking about her father, who only sired her as a precautionary heir and never truly cared for her as a father should. Now that he was dead, somehow it felt like a knot of something twisted in her gut—she didn't know what it was. Only that she wanted to scream. She thought about her sister, about how for all she had been groomed to become Queen one day, for all that she had been raised to handle power and grace—
Now that one day was here, now that one day was today—
Maybe it should've been KC.
Kawaii-Chan with the throne. Kawaii-Chan in her pastel pink gowns and silver tongue, her bursting heart for the wellbeing of the common people.
Maybe Aphmau should have chased him.
If she could go back…
The scene replayed in her head once again, and she couldn't fight the shuddering inhale that echoed through the empty chamber.
Sorry, Princess. The world doesn't revolve around you.
Now, it felt like she understood a bit more. Their father used to tell them that mixing love with business, with politics, was insanely stupid. That it was selfish to the bloodline.
Aphmau supposed he had been right.
She had always idolized love as something she would never have for herself, so when everything changed and her world was turned upside down, she did nothing to prevent herself from falling in love. She had wanted him, she had come onto him that night.
She had kissed him with untouched lips, clumsy and inexperienced, but knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was what she wanted in that moment. His arms had felt so warm, his hair so soft. His eyes burned her from within, and he stroked her pleasure like the building of a bonfire between them. No man had ever seen her naked skin before, although she was more than comfortable around women thanks to the countless handmaids that bathed and saw to her treatment.
Even as he stopped her with a gentle hand caressing her face, his thumb gliding over her cheek.
“Babe…are you sure about this?”
And she had never been called that before, babe. She had never been looked at with eyes like that, like she was something valuable—and not because she was the Crown Princess.
She had never been more far removed from her title, and in that moment, she never felt more…seen.
She had simply pressed her lips to his in lieu of an answer. Aphmau had never been more sure of anything in her entire life.
He blanketed over her with his strong limbs and muscular body, entangled their fingers together, kissing her everywhere he could reach. Her forehead, her cheeks, her neck, her chest. He licked her like he was drawing lines of fire, and bit her hard on her shoulders and arms and thighs in ways that had her crying out, tears springing to her eyes—the marks so deep they scarred over, still stark against her skin even when she looked in the mirror each morning.
It was why she shunned her handmaids—after that experience, she didn't know how she could ever be comfortable with someone looking at her body like that again. Seeing those scars, drifting memories of a night long past.
It had already been three months.
And with each passing day, it felt like she only sunk deeper.
Felt like her thoughts of, if only I had followed him, if only I had told him I loved him, if only I had done something different, grew more distant, the truth they brought more and more unattainable.
Her exhale shuddered from her ribcage, her heart beating unsteadily throughout her body. Her heart physically hurt.
She had so little motivation to do anything—anything except train with the sword Aaron gave her.
With the greatsword he laid in her palms and the red streaking through her wardrobe, it felt like they were the only things she had that could bind her to those memories, slipping through her fingers like sand.
Not for the first time, a fat tear slid down her cheek in a swift arc—her eyes had long stopped stinging with the flood of tears. With no one but herself in this room, she made no attempt to wipe it away or stop herself from crying, but she also did not openly sob. She could still feel the ghost of Aaron's surprisingly soft kiss against her cheek. She could almost feel the way he would wipe away her tears if he were here, the resonance of his voice as he crooned at her.
I should have followed him.
I should have done something different.
Not for the first time, as the Queen of the Realm, Aphmau wondered why he left.
What she did.
What she didn't do.
What, maybe, she could've done.
To get him to stay. To get him to not leave.
Her heart gave another painful squeeze, and another tear rolled down her face.
It must have been her fault, somehow.
And what was worse, for all the picking through her memories she performed daily…she couldn't figure out what it was. She didn't know what she did wrong for Aaron to just…
The world doesn't revolve around you.
…In a way, Aphmau could admit her shortcomings. She knew he was right, no matter which way you looked at it. Queen of the Realm or not, the world really didn't revolve around her. She didn't even deserve to be Queen—she just had the luck to be born into it.
She never proved herself in any trials.
She never—
“My Queen?” A tentative voice called from the dark, ripping Aphmau from the void of her thoughts. With a start, she jerked her head to the side—
Without a fire going, it was very, very dark in the Great Hall. She still knew who it was though—she could recognize his voice quicker than anyone else's, for he had grown at her side. He practically raised her, they had raised each other—
And she always knew she would be safe around him.
Noi stepped into the silvery moonlight streaming from the stained glass windows behind the imposing throne she was stiffly seated on—and when he registered the tears slipping down her face, his expression became awash with sympathy, a hint of understanding shining in the golden light of his eyes.
He was dressed in his usual suit, though not as decorated—casual, with a fur-lined vest pulled around his torso for warmth as the days grew shorter and the nights colder.
“Aphmau…what's happened?” He asked gently as he quickly drew close, crouching on one knee at the edge of the throne, placing his hand comfortingly over her knee.
Her mind rushed with events that could answer his question, thoughts clouding over her eyes and her skin pricking with the kisses and bites from months passed, of soft and fiery looks and on-the-go training sessions and the panic of being hunted alive and traveling with people she had to very quickly find trust for and—
There were no words she could use to describe what was running through her thoughts.
Aphmau remained silent, letting her eyes fall closed. Warm tears spilled, mapping their trails down her cheeks, beside her nose and over her lips as she sniffed wetly—
“Oh, my Princess, my Queen,” Noi cooed, grabbing Aphmau's hand in a reassuring grasp. Wordlessly, she knotted their fingers and squeezed—the memories of holding Aaron's hand like this were quickly overwhelming her, the pain of not having him here spiking, and she tried to swallow down the keen that was rising in her throat—
Despite her efforts, a small, strangled sound escaped, and she felt like she sounded like a wounded animal.
Pathetic. Her mind hissed. You are Queen. Pull yourself together.
But she had kept herself pulled together this entire time, as if by rapidly fraying twine.
She was tired. She was so tired.
Tired of pretending like everything was okay when she was spending her days in acute pain—
She unclenched her jaw, and a small, breathy sob broke from her—shame rolling off her in a miasma, and she desperately wished she could apologize to her childhood friend for seeing his Queen in this state—she just didn't know how she could keep it wrapped up anymore. She didn't know what to do.
Noi made some reassuring sounds, rubbing the back of her hand with his other, and then offering a, “Here, let me,” and then gesturing to the throne.
Aphmau shuffled to the side, pressing herself against the arm so Noi could slot himself next to her, a comforting warmth she had known her whole life. As soon as he sat down, his arms encircled her and she leaned against his side, head falling against his shoulder. He was a great hugger, and even now his hand rubbed up and down her arm.
He never tried to offer a solution to her problems.
He never tried to force her to open up.
But he was always there to listen—and realizing that made a fresh wave of tears fall, soaking into the soft fabric of his mauve-colored vest while she gave another wet sniff, trying to keep her nose from running.
“This wouldn't happen to be about that knight, would it?” He asked softly, his voice hushed in the echoing chambers of the Great Hall.
She didn't answer—and her silence was telling enough. Aphmau caught how he held her closer and, seeking the comfort of a warm body, she snaked her arm around his back.
“It's okay, princess,” He said. In front of the dignitaries he always went the extra mile with her titles, but in calm, private moments like this he reverted to what he had called her for years. “You don't have to talk about it. I'm here.” He rubbed her arm up and down again, and she turned her face more into his neck, breathing in the scent that clung to the collar of his bishop-sleeved shirt, breathing out another soft sob.
After all this time, all those emotions came right to the surface—cloying, choking her.
It wasn't just about Aaron—it was her father, the whole ordeal of being hunted—
She wanted to scream her pain out into the world until it split the very sky. She wanted Aaron, wherever he was, to hear her wounded howls. Maybe then he would know how much he had hurt her, how much pain she felt at any given second of every day.
And lastly…there was so much frustration she felt at herself. At how naive she had been. How stupid.
She had fallen in love with someone who wholly abandoned her—
The truth felt like a knife thrust into her chest, and she almost wished it was.
The pain was flooding her mind and her heart—utter heartache, utter betrayal ripping her apart from the inside out—she hoped it might kill her. That perhaps when she went to sleep she would never wake, like the famous princesses in Kawaii-Chan’s books. How could she ever trust again? How could she trust other people, but more importantly—
How could she trust herself?
How, after this, could she put faith in her own emotions, when at the time falling in love with Arron felt so right—
And now she was left like this?
Broken and feeling utterly alone, even as Noi held her. Even as he rocked her, and began quietly humming a tune from when they were young.
Aphmau's mother was not a Princess of any standing like she had been—she had been low ranking for a member of a lesser known house, her father having impregnated her on a whim—
But her carrying the Crown Princess of the Realm didn't garner her any special authority or make her rise through the ranks. She had been no better off after Aphmau's birth than she was before. Still, she was never bitter. She died young, not long after Kawaii-Chan had been born from a different noble, but she had taken care of all three of the kids, Aphmau, Noi, and KC, like they were her very own.
There was no warmth like her mother's love—except maybe Aaron's, blistered into her mind at the proximity of events. Her mother wasn't very high ranking at all, and many scorned her, though little baby Aph couldn't even conceive of the imbalance present before her very eyes—
One thing she remembered vividly about her mother before she passed was that she was musically gifted.
She world perch herself in the spire of the kids’ playroom and strum her golden lute, her only real keepsake. She world spin vivid stories from nothing but the notes she plucked from her instruments and her silken voice—
And now, Noi’s voice sparked a deeply hidden memory.
He hummed the melody of a song she had passionately sung to them.
Kawaii-Chan had been no more than an infant swaddled in Aphmau's arms, eyes falling heavily closed and her chest rising and falling with sleep as Noi and Aphmau, too, grew drowsy against the blanket of her singing.
…Aphmau hadn't thought of her mother in so long.
And now…she loosed a shuddering breath. Now she was Queen. The Queen, with no consort or husband to be seen. Only her sister, and only those she had met along her journey aiding her as part of her council…
She had reached what her mother likely knew she could never embody. They would never have a woman from such a low ranking house be the Queen Consort, let alone Queen of the Realm.
A thought flitted past, catching her off guard.
If momma could see me now…what would she say?
And for all that Aphmau had nearly forgotten about her mother—about the lilting of her voice, the lilac colors of her skirts and the gentle way she picked the kids up to adore them—
She nearly heard her mom's voice in perfect clarity, as if she were there with her right then, right in front of her, right next to her, speaking into her ear.
I'm so proud of you, Aphmau. My little girl.
Aphmau clung to Noi—she couldn't believe he remembered that song from so long ago. It dug it all up to the surface—
Aaron, the feeling of betrayal that weighted the thought of him, her father and his neglect, how she had to raise KC and Noi together as palace kids—
How she had lost her mother so young.
How much she never fully realized how deeply she missed her.
For the first time…Aphmau allowed herself to wish she could talk to her.
Lean on her mother and cry.
Tell her everything.
The emotions rose too thick and too fast for her to fight, and she didn't realize how she had begun to openly sob against Noi, pulling him close so she could bury her face against her one true friend—
Noi didn't miss a beat. He never stopped whispering against her hair, stroking his hands down her back and arm. Aphmau's sobs began to drown out anything else in the room, her inhales like the sound of a blade being drawn from its sheath. Her warm breath beat against the space between her and Noi in time with the war drum pattern of her racing heart—and—
—and—
She couldn't hold it back anymore.
It felt like she was having a meltdown. Like she couldn't stop crying if she wanted to. Her entire body felt like an open sore, throbbing with every breath. It was all she could do to wait for it to slowly scar over, though it seemed impossible at that moment. It seemed like more than she could bear. How could she ever move on from all of this?
How could she ever move on from Aaron?
The latest in this long line of grief. The one who highlighted her pain.
She cried.
Aphmau cried and cried and cried, not even registering the great creaking of the doors of the Great Hall as they swung open until someone called her name—
“Aphmau!”
She recognized the scratch of that voice—but her only response was to squeeze her eyes shut and cling tighter to Noi against the trembling of her frame.
“Aphmau, what's wrong??” Zane asked when he ran up the steps of the throne, crouching low. He was clearly responding desperately to her distress, and he gave a cursory glance to the man holding her so tightly—involuntarily, his hackles raised, the protectiveness he felt over the princess he met on their deathly journey spiking as he snatched her hand away and pressed it between cold, slim fingers. “You—what did you do?”
“Me? I didn't do anything! I just found her like this!” Noi rushed to defend himself, growing defensive against the accusatory stare of the stranger Aphmau had appointed onto her council that he had yet to trust. His eye was pitch black and held unforgiving weight that made Noi extremely uncomfortable.
“Well, she wouldn't be crying like this unless you did something to her, you—”
Aphmau squeezed Zane’s hand, bidding him to silence as she tried to regain control of her hiccuping breaths and leaking eyes. Noi reached up with his pale hand and wiped his thumb under her eye, clearing away the tears there, but not for long. She only managed to shake her head vehemently, ponytail shaking, trying to communicate that no, it wasn't Noi.
“See?” Zane shouted. “You've clearly upset her, now what did you do?”
“I didn't do anything to her, commoner. Watch how you speak to your highnesses.” Noi spat at last, making Zane jerk back in offense.
He growled behind the hood covering the lower half of his face. “You…” The venom in his voice was clear to see in the dip of his tone. Aphmau ripped her hand out of Zane’s grip and rushed to yank the ribbon out of her ponytail, her raven hair falling in sheets over her shoulders—
With a shaking hand, she held the ribbon up for scrutiny.
Scarlet.
The ribbon she had worn to hold her hair back during training, before she quickly began wearing it everywhere, no matter what she did. No longer did she opt to wear glittering crowns as her sister still did—and she hoped it would explain enough.
Luckily, at one glance, Zane felt a weight drop in his stomach as he realized.
“...oh.” Was all he said.
“Oh??” Noi mimicked.
Zane let out a bereaved sigh. “It's Aaron. She's upset about Aaron.”
“Aaron?” Noi asked again.
“Wh—fu—the knight that she was with when we all killed the witch. The guy that left.”
“...oh.”
The boys lapsed into silence while Aphmau worked to silence her breathy sobs and inhales, trying to balance them into something more becoming.
Zane began, “Look, I'm really sorry, Aph—”
“—That's Queen to you—”
“Shut up—I'm aware that you and Aaron got…close, when we were all together, Aphmau.” She hiccuped another sob at the memory of them tangling over the blanket they had draped over the forest floor, the ache of him entering her. “Just because he's gone doesn't mean you still can't be happy. I mean, look at what you have. You're back home, ruling your kingdom—you saved KC, you saved me…you still have your friends.”
It was a valiant effort he was making, and she knew she should feel gratitude shining through the darkness of the sorrow she found herself in—but she didn't have the heart to vocalize how she really felt, that maybe—that—
It just doesn't feel worth it.
Not without Aaron.
And the guilt that slammed into her was heavy.
She should feel grateful for all that she had. Her castle, luxury, finery, friends she could really trust—she was Queen, for Irene's sake—but all of it…it just fell short.
The shadow Aaron cast was just too reaching.
Despite knowing she should be in the perfect place to leave it all behind her…
She couldn't make her heart catch up.
She couldn't make herself feel what she knew she ought to.
So she just hung her head and shook it, fisting the red ribbon in her palm until her hand began to ache.
Zane saw how rough she was with her hand, watching the way her tendons stood out stark against her skin at the force she was exerting on such a small piece of fabric—and rushed to close her fist between his gentle palms.
“Aphmau—”
“It's alright, my Princess, my Queen,” Noi murmured before pressing a gentle kiss against the curve of her eyebrow—not noticing (or not caring about) the murderous look Zane shot him from his single visible eye. “No matter what you're feeling, what you're going through…you'll always have us. We aren't going anywhere.”
The words struck something tender, and Aphmau stilled.
“...Yeah, Aphmau.” Zane sounded reluctant to agree with Noi, but he trudged on. “We aren't ever going to leave you to handle things on your own. In fact, good luck getting rid of us.” He even sounded a little rueful.
The day Aaron turned his back on his Queen, Aphmau felt an incredible weight drop into her feet. Below the earth, into the Nether itself—it felt like if she were tossed into the ocean she would be dragged down into it's trenches.
It had been dark and unforgiving, wholly unfamiliar. A place she couldn't navigate because everything looked so familiar—the faces of her friends, the halls of her childhood home…but somehow incredibly off.
It made her feel unbalanced. As if she was stumbling through a dark, dank tunnel on her own, fingers scraping against cobbled walls as she fought to stay upright.
And now…
Just the tiniest pinprick of light.
We aren't ever going to leave you to handle things on your own.
Something indescribable rose up of her chest, in her throat, blanketing her thoughts. It wasn't the quiet, beseeching despair she was used to—it felt lighter, but no less complicated.
The complex emotions of being looked after, held, in the moments of pain and trauma.
She had no words.
She only let more tears fall from her eyes, cresting down her cheeks in new numbers uncontrollably, though she stayed silent.
…for all of three seconds.
She couldn't help the sob that broke from her, not quiet like how she tried to be before—
The sound was rich with the echoes of pain as it stabbed through the Great Hall, followed by another, and another—
But it felt like now she was crying for a different reason.
Like she was starting to feel…just the tiniest bit…better.
Zane seemed taken aback by the fresh wave of tears, and wondered with a flood of panic if he had said the wrong thing—he quickly backpedaled and worked to cover his tracks. “Come, Aphmau, the kitchen staff are all asleep, but we can go down there and bake some cake. Or cook whatever you want. Is that okay with you? Do you want that?”
“That…actually sounds like a good idea. What do you say, princess?” Noi squeezed her shoulders in reassurance, and it took her a moment to fight past the tears enough—
But she managed a single nod, and Zane worked to unclasp her clenched fist. Aphmau, through the blur of tears, registered the ribbon she held being pulled through her fingers—
And she rushed to snatch it back in a panic—
“Ah, don't worry Aph, I'm not going to take it. Just let me…” a few seconds later, the ribbon was being pulled around her wrist once or twice, before being gently secured in a bow. “There. Now come on.” Zane cajoled her. “Let's go see what they've got down in the kitchens.”
Taking her hand in his, he slowly coaxed her to her feet. Noi stood with them, grasping her other hand. The made their way down the steps with the Queen of the Realm following between them, still crying, but not so much from sadness anymore as Zane began talking options—
Broken, but maybe, just maybe…
…beginning to heal.