Work Text:
NORMAL VERSION:
“Sorry, lads, off the mantle you go,” Charlie said as he picked up Red and Green and set them next to a half-constructed gingerbread house on the overflowing dining room table. He had just seen the chimney cleaning and maintenance crew pull in the driveway, and he rushed to remove the Christmas decorations from around the fireplace before they came in and got to work.
Nick had always wanted to enjoy a real fire in their fireplace, but the previous owners said something about the room “filling with smoke” the last time they tried to use it, so Nick and Charlie had agreed to leave it alone. But this year, Charlie wanted to have it looked at by a professional, and planned to give the ready-to-use fireplace to Nick as a Christmas present. Charlie was hopeful that the chimney just needed a thorough cleaning and it would be good as new. Then they could enjoy a cosy fire together.
Naked… on a bearskin rug…
Charlie shook his head and rolled his eyes at himself. A bearskin rug, really?
The naked part sounded good though.
He texted Sarah one-handed as he continued moving knicknacks out of the way:
Charlie: crew has arrived
Charlie: project chimney is a go!
Sarah: We’re at Harrods in the Christmas section, should keep Nicky busy for a while 🙏
The doorbell rang just as Charlie cleared the last of the decorations off the mantle. He opened the door and was greeted by a bald, portly man who looked like he had a layer of soot covering every inch of him.
The man spoke in a gravelly voice. “Ho ho ho, Santa’s Chimney Sweeps at your service. My name is Drew. Are you…” He looked at his clipboard with the work order. “Charlie Spring?”
“Yes, that’s me, come on in.”
“Okay, we got our big HEPA vacuum coming in, so we’ll need to lay down some tarps—”
“O-okay…”
Charlie held the door as Drew and a skinny lad, who Charlie gathered was Drew’s assistant, laid tarps in a path from the front door to the fireplace, and then wheeled in what could only be described as a reject droid from one of the Star Wars movies. The thing was more covered in soot than Drew was, and Charlie watched carefully to make sure the dust wafting from it stayed on the tarp.
Charlie awkwardly took a seat at the dining room table and halfheartedly continued working on the gingerbread house as Drew ordered the young lad, Colton, around. Colton took orders admirably, first hooking up the machine and then carefully cleaning all the soot from the fireplace, before Drew dismissed him.
“He’s getting on the roof with a scope,” Drew explained.
Charlie nodded in response.
Drew carefully lowered himself to the floor so he could have a look inside the chimney, and then began shouting orders to Colton, who was now up on the roof dropping a camera down the stack. They shouted back and forth, words Charlie didn’t quite understand in this context, and then Drew rolled rather gracelessly to standing again, pulling up his pants so his arsecrack wasn’t showing.
He dusted off his hands and cleared his throat, and Charlie looked up expectantly.
“It’s no good, mate,” Drew said, shaking his head. “You got water damage, and you also have partial obstruction in your flue, that’s probably why you had smoke coming in—”
“Oh, that was the previous owners—”
“Whoever it was, they didn’t take proper care of the chimney, and now it’s unusable. Sorry, lad. Now, that’ll be £200 for the diagnostic and cleaning.”
He handed Charlie a yellow sheet of carbon paper with some chicken scratch notes on it, except for the very clearly visible, circled amount, “£200.”
“And, just out of curiosity,” Charlie tiptoed gingerly up to the question. “How much would we be looking at to have the chimney repaired so it’s usable?”
“In the thousands, easily,” Drew said frankly. “And we wouldn’t be able to do the work you need until the summer. It’s too cold now.”
Charlie’s entire body deflated at the news. There went his dream of surprising Nick with a real fire in the fireplace. He sighed and looked at the invoice in his hand.
“Let me… write you a check,” he said solemnly as he walked to the home office to get his checkbook. He glanced at his phone to double check the date, and was startled to find several alarming messages:
Nick: Headed home
Sarah: We’re done shopping, I’m so sorry!
Sarah: I tried to keep him out as long as possible!
Sarah: I invited him to lunch but he said no, can you believe it! 😤
Sarah: Hope the chimney is as good as new!
Charlie’s eyes widened. He had to get the servicemen out asap, before Nick found out about his failed gift. If he didn’t know about it, then maybe Charlie had a prayer of picking up a different gift for him for Christmas and he’d be none the wiser. He wrote the check quickly and dashed back out to the living room, where Colton was rolling up the tarps.
“Okay, here you go! We’ll contact you to set up those repairs.”
“Better call soon, because we have a four to six month waitlist,” Drew cautioned. “But we got your address on file, and we’ll keep a copy of this diagnostic so we know what kind of work needs to be don—”
“Great! That sounds great,” Charlie exclaimed as he ushered Drew to the door as quickly as possible while still trying to be polite. “Anyway, thanks for coming, I’m sure you’re quite busy this time of year—”
“Oh yeah lots of people needing their chimneys cleaned, you wouldn’t believe the stuff we vacuum up…”
Charlie glanced outside as Drew continued to drone on and on, and his heart sank as he saw Nick pulling up to the house. Nick exited his car with shopping bags in tow, and he waved a friendly hello to Colton as he passed, who was loading the large tarps into the back of their truck. Then he locked eyes with Charlie and gave a hint of a smirk.
Busted.
“Alright?” Nick greeted Drew with a nod.
“Hello, sir,” Drew responded cordially. “Bad news, I’m afraid…”
“Oh, yeah? Bad news?” Nick furrowed his brow, playing along. Charlie grimaced and fidgeted with his hands.
Drew continued, “Your chimney has water damage, and an obstruction. Now I know you were hoping to get that fireplace ready for Christmas—”
“Okay!” Charlie practically shrieked, waving his hands in the air to halt the flow of conversation. “Thanks for all your help! We’ll call your office soon. Right now we have to… finish our gingerbread house? Gotta… get that last wall up.”
Charlie glanced over to Nick, who was giving him a quizzical look.
Yeah, he was so busted.
“Right, uhh… well, you lads have a nice day.” Drew shook both of their hands and made his way back out to the truck.
Nick turned to Charlie with a sly grin, but remained silent.
“Well, you caught me,” Charlie confessed with a huff as they stepped inside and closed the front door. “I was trying to get the chimney cleaned as a Christmas present for you.”
“Aww, Char, that’s very sweet,” Nick cooed as he set his bags down.
Charlie rolled his eyes, grumbling, “Yeah, well, it’s a much bigger issue that can’t be repaired by Christmas, so… present ruined, I guess.”
“Nooo, hey, it’s okay,” Nick enveloped Charlie in a warm hug. “I’m very grateful that you went through all that trouble. You even got my mum in on it too, didn’t you? She was acting strange today, checking her phone a lot …”
Bless Sarah but she is just like Nick— zero poker face.
“That’s why you said no to lunch with her—“
“Yeah, I was just too curious. Sorry I spoiled the surprise.”
“It was already spoiled,” Charlie sighed and buried his face into Nick’s shoulder, groaning, “UuuugghhhandIwasreallylookingforwardtosexytimesinfrontofthefiretoo.”
Nick ran a hand over Charlie’s curls and chuckled, “What was that?”
Charlie lifted his head slightly and sheepishly admitted, “I may have had a whole… sexytimes in front of the fire fantasy going on in my head.”
“Oh yeah?”
“With a bearskin rug and everything.”
Nick grinned and guided Charlie into the living room, musing, “You know, even if we don’t have a real fire, we can still have sexytimes in front of where the fire would be.”
Nick placed Charlie in front of the hearth and gestured for him to stay. Charlie then watched curiously as Nick got a blanket from their couch and spread it out on the floor, then dashed over to the dining room table. He grabbed a large candle in a glass jar, lit it, and carefully set it inside the fireplace. It gave off a gorgeous glow as it flickered against the stone, and the festive scents of clove spice, cranberries, and vanilla filled the air.
They gazed at one another for a moment in fond appreciation, and then Nick smirked wickedly, “Well then, would you like to… come down my chimney?”
This made Charlie snort, and Nick had to laugh with him; it was such a cheesy line, but it lifted the disappointment of the failed Christmas present away with the winter winds. Charlie wondered for the billionth time how he ever could’ve gotten so lucky.
“Alright, I suppose that’ll make me feel better,” he jokingly conceded. Without a moment’s hesitation, Nick got on his knees and began to undo Charlie’s trousers. Charlie reached down and ran his hands through Nick’s hair as Nick put his mouth on Charlie’s hard length through his pants, teasing him a little. Nick’s breath was hot and damp against Charlie’s cock, and Charlie shuddered a little in response, “Oh—ohhh…”
“Don’t you mean, ho ho ho? I think you’re Santa in this scenario,” Nick chuckled as he looked up at Charlie through his eyelashes, sliding Charlie’s pants down slow, too slow.
“I… Sure,” Charlie agreed.
He wasn't exactly certain as to what he was agreeing with, but he likely would have agreed to anything Nick said at that moment.
“Here’s... your present then?” Charlie winced. He was terrible at dirty talk.
Luckily Nick rolled with it, replying with a smirk. “Oh, it’s just what I wanted.”
He wrapped his lips around the head of Charlie’s cock, and warmth enveloped Charlie. He moaned and grabbed onto Nick’s shoulders for balance as Nick swirled his tongue around in the way that Charlie loved before taking him deeper. Charlie bobbed his hips ever so slightly as he became lost in the sensation of Nick’s mouth on him, licking and sucking, and his hands gripping the backs of Charlie’s thighs for dear life.
“Oh god, you’re amazing, feels s-so good—” Charlie stuttered breathlessly. He realized with a gasp that he was receiving the real gift, such tender care and attention, even though the dirty talk had framed it the other way around. But hey, if Nick thought this was a gift then Charlie would be happy giving gifts like this to him all day, every day.
He nearly lost his mind when Nick hollowed out his cheeks, the space for Charlie’s cock becoming that much more tight and wet. It seemed to be an embarrassingly short amount of time before Charlie noticed the buildup of tension in his lower belly, his body tingling all the way to his fingertips and toes, and he moved his hands to grip Nick’s hair.
“Oh my god, I’m coming! Ah! Yes! Fuuuck…” Charlie held Nick’s head steady for a long moment as he spilled down his throat, Nick happily swallowing every last drop.
After catching his breath, Charlie lowered himself to his knees to be eye level with Nick, and then wrapped his arms around Nick in a grateful hug.
“See?” Nick quietly laughed, “You knew just what to get me.”
Charlie snorted and held onto Nick even tighter. “You’re a huge dork, I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Can I take care of you next? I had envisioned us both naked in front of this fireplace…”
“Sounds good to me…”
As they started to tear the rest of their clothes off, they were too busy to notice that the elves, still abandoned on the dining room table, had taken their joke quite literally.
(Red is on the roof of the gingerbread house, his crotch positioned over the chimney. Green is laying down in the gingerbread house, with his head positioned under the chimney.)
UNHINGED VERSION:
Somewhere in another universe…
“This is fucking stupid. The things I do for my boyfriend…” Charlie grumbled, climbing his way up the ladder. How had Nick even talked him into this one?
Oh wait, it wasn’t Nick.
It was “the elves.”
Yeah, riiiiiight.
Charlie struggled to control his breathing as he made his way to the top of the roof, slowly shimmying over to the chimney. He tried his best not to look down, lest he get vertigo and lose his footing. He clung to the chimney for dear life and peered into the abyss below to where he knew Nick would be waiting.
“How am I even supposed to do this?” he called down.
“Can you get on top of it?” Nick’s voice echoed back.
Charlie gently removed the metal cap and tried to set it on the roof… but it began to slide and fell right to the snowy ground.
“Great, one more thing to reset after this cockamamy scene is over,” Charlie whinged to himself.
He hung onto the chimney with one hand while he undid his trousers with the other. He briefly removed his hand from the bricks to help himself get unzipped, anxious the whole time that he would pitch backwards and fall to his death trying to get his dick out of his pants.
And then what would Nick say, huh? How would he explain this to their parents?
He looked around to make sure no neighbors were watching (although he was sure some voyeurs were probably looking from inside the comfort of their own homes, and he would just have to make peace with that) before successfully manoeuvring his trousers and pants down just enough to expose himself.
In the cold.
In the middle of the day.
On the goddamn roof of their house.
He hoisted himself up and climbed over the opening of the flue, which to his relief was not as wide as he feared but was quite chilly against his bare skin. His torso fit snugly across it without concern that he would fall in. He tentatively reached a hand behind him to fiddle with the toy in his arse.
Charlie took a deep breath, thankful that he could not see if there happened to be any planes flying overhead at that moment.
“Ready?” Nick called, his tone reflecting the slightest bit of impatience.
“Yes!” Charlie shouted, trying to make it sound like he wasn’t annoyed with his boyfriend’s unhinged requests. “Turn it on!”
A moment later, the vibrating feature of the plug came to life, and Charlie had to grip the chimney for balance. He was practically melting from the sensation of the quivering toy, and he reached back behind him once again to adjust it so it hit just the right spot.
“Ohhh…” Charlie moaned, his voice echoing in the flue.
He could feel the heat building in him slowly, like kindling starting to burn in the fireplace that they should be using for actual fires and not this ridiculous exhibitionist shit.
“Should I turn it up?” Nick shouted up at him.
“Oh god—” Charlie whimpered, bracing himself.
“I’ll take that as a yes!”
Nick’s tone could only be described as gleeful.
The vibrations increased in intensity as Charlie struggled to stay completely on top of the chimney, his hands scrabbling to find purchase and his thighs turning to jelly, leaving him unsteady.
Charlie’s breathing became heavy and his cock ached as the flames inside him grew.
He envisioned logs being thrown onto the growing fire in his loins.
He visualized the hot TikTok lumberjack splitting logs for a fire.
He imagined the hot TikTok lumberjack splitting Charlie with his log.
He wanted to stroke himself so badly, but he knew the rules were that he couldn't touch himself until he needed to aim downwards. After all, 'the elf was doing it hands free,' so Charlie had to come untouched also.
He bit his lip and arched his back, letting the toy do all the work.
“Ah! Ah! Oh fuck!” he cried, feeling the burn throughout his entire body now. He quaked as he grabbed his cock and pointed it in the direction where he knew Nick would be waiting with his mouth wide open.
Charlie hung on for dear life as his spend rushed out of him, falling and landing with a splat onto what sounded like bricks and not his boyfriend’s face.
After his orgasm had subsided, which took an annoyingly long time, Charlie slowly slid off of the chimney, resting his head on the cool masonry and catching his breath. Charlie reached around and manually turned off the toy before doing his trousers back up, concerned that he’d not heard a peep out of Nick since he came.
Finally, “Oh crap. Hey Char?”
“Yes?”
“Did you know there’s a part of the chimney called a smoke shelf? It, like… angles the chimney away from the fireplace…”
Charlie screwed his eyes shut, trying very hard not to think about how this had all been in vain and the smoke shelf of their chimney was now covered in his cum.
How was he going to explain that to the chimney cleaning service?
Goddamn Nick and his stupid horny ideas acted out through elves.
And now Charlie had to not die while getting down off the roof with the toy still in his arse.
Happy fucking Christmas.