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The Mastermind vs. The Master Assassins

Summary:

Its driving Tony nuts trying to figure out the deal with Clint & Natasha, so he recruits some friends to help him find out.

Notes:

Prompt: Fellow SHIELD agents are convinced that Barton and Romanoff need to get laid and try to speed up the process. They really shouldn't have.

It's not quite a 5+1
It's not quite fellow SHIELD agents
But I am fully partying like it's 2012, which I feel should more than make up for the lack of the other two things

Happy Holidays, Alpha!

Work Text:

Steve looked around the room and noted the glaring absence of the two SHIELD agents at Tony's so-called Avengers team meeting.

"If this is a team meeting why aren't Barton and Romanoff here?" he asked.

"Because it's about them, Capsicle." Tony said, looking at each of the other team members in turn. He spread his arms wide. "Welcome to Operation Assassin!"

Thor frowned. "I agree with our Captain. If this is to be a team meeting, then the two agents should be present."

Tony's lips twisted in annoyance. "Didn't you hear me? The meeting is about them."

"It doesn't feel right to be meeting about them behind their back," Bruce said quietly. "And… ummm… Why exactly are we meeting about them?"

"We are launching Operation Assassin," Tony repeated. He sighed in frustration when his announcement was met by blank stares. "Am I the only one who sees the way they are around each other? The looks of longing when they think the other isn't paying attention? The pining?"

"I think you're exaggerating that just a bit," Steve said.

Tony's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Have you seen the footage from the Helicarrier?"

"There's footage?" Bruce asked.

"Of course there is! Fury has cameras everywhere," Tony said. "But that's besides the point. They -"

"I'm sorry, Stark, but I must decline," Thor said, picking up his hammer and striding for the door. "If you need me for anything else, call for Heimdall and I'll return to Midgard post-haste."

Tony watched him walk away before turning back to Steve and Bruce. "Well?"

"I'm sorry, but I just don't think it's a good idea," Bruce repeated, shaking his head.

"Steve?"

"I'll help," he said with a deep sigh. "But only because I'm worried about what you'll do if left to your own devices."

"Excellent!"

---

"Where did you tell Tony we were?" Clint asked curiously as he tugged Natasha closer to him.

She grinned and kissed his jaw. "Working on a private matter for Coulson."

"And he wasn't the least bit suspicious?"

"Why would he be? I mean, we're still SHIELD agents. He doesn't know what we do or don't do when we aren't dealing with Avenger's business. Besides, he's too scared of me to ask for details," she added as she gave Clint a little push and toppled him to the bed.

Clint laughed and dragged her down on top of him. "Point."

"Besides, would you rather be stuck in a boring team meeting?" she asked, kissing him deeply. "Or, would you rather be here?"

"Here," he said, running his hands down her back and cupping her ass. "Definitely here."

---

"Natasha was very much immune to my bribery of expensive lingerie," Pepper grumbled to Tony as she entered the penthouse, arms laden with half a dozen bags from some of the most expensive stores along 5th Avenue. He grabbed the bags and set them down none-too-gently on the floor, then ushered her over to the bank of couches in the middle of the room. "I don't like being dishonest with my friends," she continued as she sank down into the plush leather and accepted the drink he offered her.

"Is that what you and Natasha are? Friends?" Tony asked, brow arched as he took a seat next to her.

Pepper's lips twisted into a small frown. "Just because you have issues with trust -"

"She lied to me for months while working undercover in my own company!"

"And now she's one of your teammates. How long are you going to hold the Stark Industries thing against her?" Pepper asked with a pointed look.

He thought about it for a moment. "I haven't decided. I was thinking maybe a few years. Possibly a full decade."

"Funny. You're very funny," Pepper remarked sarcastically, even as she sighed in pleasure when he swung her feet up into his lap and began massaging her aching arches.

"I trust you, you know," he said quietly after a few moments.

"And I trust you," Pepper said. "But you really need to stop meddling in Clint and Natasha's lives. They'll either figure things out on their own or they won't. Either way, it's not your concern."

"And that's where I have to disagree," Tony said. "Everything is my concern, including the assassins' love life."

---

Clint let out a low whistle when Natasha stepped out of the bathroom wearing a brand new silk bra and panty set. "Wow. That's some really nice lingerie, You look fantastic in it."

"I'll look even better out of it," Natasha said as she made her way over to the bed.

"Or maybe you could keep it on," Clint suggested with a leer as he tossed his book aside to concentrate on her. "And then I can slowly peel you out of it."

She smiled. "Well, since you asked so nicely, maybe I will." She crawled onto his lap and looped her arms around his neck. "I'm glad you like Stark's gift."

"Stark's gift?" Clint asked with a raised eyebrow. "Should I be worried about Tony Stark gifting you with lingerie?"

"Not one bit," she said, laughing. "He talked Pepper into trying to bribe me with a shopping trip so I'd tell her the status of our relationship."

"While normally I'd object to a dirty trick like that," Clint said, leaving a trail of kisses along her shoulder. "Since this was the result, I think it was a brilliant idea. We should keep up this charade to see if she'll take you on any more lingerie shopping trips."

"I agree."

---

"How'd your conversation with our wily widow go?" Tony asked as soon as he managed to corner Steve.

"It went," Steve answered tersely as he yanked open the refrigerator door and grabbed a carton of orange juice.

"And?"

Steve took a hefty swig of juice. "And I'm done with your little game. Next time you want information about Natasha, ask her yourself."

---

"How was lunch with Steve?" Clint asked as he finished slicing a pepper.

"The actual lunch or the conversation?" Natasha said, snagging a slice off the cutting board and taking a bite.

Clint grabbed an onion and began dicing it. "Both."

"Lunch itself was fine," she said, "But I can't believe Steve agreed to play along with Tony's little game."

"Oh, boy. What happened?"

"He tried to lure me into a discussion about my love life."

"And?" he asked, chuckling.

She smirked. "And I turned it around by asking him how things were going with his crush on Maria. I've never seen someone change the subject so quickly."

Clint grinned. "Nicely played."

---

Coulson stepped into the elevator to find none other than Tony Stark already occupying it.

"Stark."

"Agent."

"Nice day, isn't it?"

"Nice enough."

"Nice enough to tell me the reason two of my best agents have been avoiding any and all discussions about the Avengers Initiative with me?"

Tony briefly glanced his way. "Have they?"

"They have. Do you know anything about it?" Coulson asked.

"Not a damned thing."

---

Natasha sipped at her tea and sighed. "Coulson cornered me in the hallway this morning."

"Yeah?" Clint said, taking a long pull on his coffee.

She nodded. "He mentioned that Stark had stopped by the Triskelion the other day." She paused and took another sip of tea. "I think he knows what Tony's up to."

Clint shrugged. "So? Coulson has about as much interest as we do in sharing the truth about our relationship with anyone. He'll keep our secrets."

"I suppose. But maybe we should consider telling Stark the truth after all."

"Why, Natasha Romanoff, are you starting to feel guilty?" Clint teased.

She stared at him, aghast. "No. Never."

He hid his smile behind another sip of coffee. "Ok, so not feeling guilty. Hey, did they have any of Doreen's baklava left at the cafeteria?"

"Here," she said, sliding a small plate across the table much to Clint's delight.

"You're the best, Tasha!"

---

Clint dropped a pancake onto Natasha's waiting plate mere seconds before Tony strode into the communal kitchen of the Tower, a mulish expression on his face.

"You want any pancakes, Stark? I can make 'em plain or add chocolate chips, blueberries or bananas. Or all three if you're feeling really adventurous."

Tony barely spared him a glance. Instead, he focused his sights on Natasha. "No, I want some answers. Like what you did to my AI."

Natasha arched a brow at him. "I simply did a little reprogramming. Let's talk about your surveillance of fellow team mates instead."

"Let's not. Tell me one thing. Just one. Are you doing it or not?" Tony demanded. "If you are, congratulations. If you're not, you really need to do something about the smoldering looks because even I, the most self-centered member of the team, can't help but notice them every time you're in a room together."

"Did you hear that Clint?" Natasha said, smirking. "You smolder."

"Me? Nah. I think he's talking about you," Clint said with a wink as he flipped over another pancake.

Tony's gaze ping-ponged between the two of them. "Holy shit! Does that mean what I think it means?"

Natasha glanced over at Clint, who nodded slightly.

"Yes, Tony, it means that Clint and I are a couple. There. Are you satisfied?"

"Yes, yes, I am," Tony confirmed. He eyed the griddle in front of Clint with longing. "Now, about those pancakes…"

"Sit down and shut up and they'll be ready in a minute," Clint said with a smile.

 

THE END