If I Were A Zombie, I'd Never Eat Your Brain

by Anonymous

Summary:

Shawn entered the competition in hopes of training his survival skills without his mother's help or her nearby. Not to make friends, fall in love, or win this thing. He knows how the game is; And he couldn't trust it less. Dave came here with the total opposite goal; find a lover, talk to people, and win this prize to have his best life with his future girlfriend. They're polar opposites: North and South, cold and warm, electron and proton, wood and cement.

So, now, why would these two, of all people, have struggles with defining their situation? They're friends, colleagues, they'll end the show and never talk to each other again. Right? It should be that easy.

Keyword: Should.

Notes:

• Inspired by Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight by AngelApollo

Chapter 1: I'll Ask Politely: Give Me What I Want.

Summary:

Dave signs up for the show, even if his cousin, Noah, had warned him about it. What does he know about his own life? He isn't following some traumatized grown adult blabble on about what the host does. Honestly, get over it. Dave is getting into that show, no matter how much mockery or 'warnings' he receives. He wants that money (and to get a girlfriend).

Title: Animal - Sir Chloe

The day has barely started, and his cousin - Noah Sterecra - who had came over for New Years, was still pestering him about the night before. For some more context; Dave had done his audition for Total Drama's new season, and he ended up hearing the guy introduce himself. He did nothing but bother him about it the rest of the day.

 

And, apparently, today too. 

 

He had just arrived into the kitchen of his house, barely awake, and the smartie was already bothering him. "Good morning, willing-to-be-tortured." He sneered, defiant smirk apparent. A smile that Dave has been tortured with since yesterday. The germophobe exhaustedly scoffed, walking towards where the coffee maker was at, settling the machine to obtain his needed caffeine. Noah had simply turned back to his breakfast, drinking up the chocolate milk he'd prepared for himself. Dave had an urge to thank the bookworm for not persuading him for longer. Once he'd settled the machine, and put the coffee and the water, he'd turn the machine on, brewing his coffee. He grumbled and facepalmed himself, complaining without words about the horrible headache the germophobe was feeling. The bookworm in the same room tittered at his cousin's complaint, almost as if he found it hilarious. Dave didn't reply. The machine produced a 'Ding!' sound, indicating the caffeine was successfully done. Dave drank his coffee, sighing as he took his first sip. A relieved sigh, almost as if the drink made his pain go away. It felt great. He drank the coffee fully, washed the used cup carefully, and placed it back on its place. Once done, he ran to his room.. he didn't want to be in the same room as his annoying cousin anymore. He was much glad that Noah came to visit, but after he did his audition, he could not stop bothering him. It made him upset, and to want him to leave. 

 

Fifteen days passed by. His cousin, Noah, was already gone - Thank god. - and there were no news on his audition. Whether he was accepted or not, it was not clarified. But he assumed he was not... Well, of course, he assumed, and was not certain for sure, since the auditions must take a lot of time to go over. But a part of him was scared he was just being delusional, and trying to convince himself that it was just a matter of time. The side that trusted the logical view of things and the other previously mentioned had a harsh conflict: They couldn't decide which was true, which was not.

 

Ends up, as expected, the logical side was right. Dave did in fact receive an email, one day later. 

 

He stared at the email, wondering if he should click on it and read it out, or spare himself from the horrible feeling of being rejected. Saying it out like that felt like he was waiting for a girl's response.. going offtrack. Focus. He opened the email, and there it was.

 

His acceptance letter. He read it out twice, thrice even. Making sure that he's not going insane. Sorting out his feelings, he settles on excitement. He wishes Noah was still here, just to rub on his face that he can do whatever the fuck he'd like to do. He immediately tells everyone he knows and trusts about it: His friends, who seemed extremely happy for him, his mother, who seemed proud, his dad, who seemed to be happy.. but definitely lecturing him about not chickening in international television. Affectionate, of course: It made Dave laugh. He was very excited for the day they had to take off: January 30th. Seemed like a huge bother for him to leave, since he has to start working now that he is eighteen years old, but the producers apparently cover that for the cast. Thank god. The boy thought about what could possibly happen while he's there: Obviously, all questionable scenarios. Way too joyous for someone who knows that he's going to a show hosted by McLean. But no one could stop the poor man of thinking up fun memories he might have there, happy ones, or even romantic ones. Dave was unstoppable.

 

---

 

Although, on one side, there were people growing excited to participating on the show, Shawn could be the certified opposite of these people.

 

As a reaction to his accepted letter, he bashed in on his mother's door, apparently panicked. He rushed in on her room, staring at her if he's seen a shuffler. "Ma, they let me in!", he yelled. Not the usual joyous yell, coming from other participants. "..Who let you.. where?", the woman confusedly asked. The boy had come randomly in her room and screamed at her with no context whatsoever, how does he expect her to react properly? Stupid. "The.. show thing that you made me audition for." Shawn contextualized, and her face lit up within remembering what he was talking about. A squeal of joy is heard by him - And all animals nearby, he guesses. - from the woman's joy. She rushes to him and hugs him tightly, still squealing, as though as she was going to crush his ribs. It makes him disgusted just by the thought of it happening. He's heavily uncomfortable by how tight she is hugging him. "Ma! Let me go! I'm not happy the way you'd expect me to!", he yelled, struggling against her deathly grip. She lets go and puts her hands together, and on her chest, almost as if keeping herself from continuing. "What? Why not?", she asks. Pretty much confused, because she swore the guy would take this opportunity well. "Well, the place is hosted by a criminal, first of all! And i'm so sure he'll put us to fight a hoarde sometime!" he yells panicked. He seems not so happy about the idea they were going to be trapped in an island, usually these places are much less safe, since there are so escaping methods aside from building up a raft. That was much more work than stealing some truck and running away from a bunch of zombies. His mom seems to be unbothered while he rants to himself in his thoughts about the island's 'escapability'. "Mój syn, look at me - and pay attention." she added to her sentence the last words, almost to make sure the boy concentrates. And he does, but hesitantly. "This is just like any other tests we have done before, okay? The only difference is that i'm not around for you to run to." she states, apparently not done but Shawn intrudes on her speech. "It's much different, ma! I'll be stranded on an island with a bunch of idiots!", he defends his idea toughly, and anxiously exaggerating his hand movements as he speaks. His mom seems to be worried, but she knows he will manage to go witth it. She raised no chicken. "Look, again. Focus." she grips tightly onto his shoulders, forcing the boy to look at her. He looks up, anxiety clear. "This is just another test. You know you're better than this, Shawn. This will also prove how well you are on leading a group of idiots out of a zombie attack. Mój syn, no shuffler will make you and your mates a buffet while you're there to save them idiots.", she reassures her son. He pauses, blankly staring at her. Probably processing what she just told him. "Right, yeah. Just.. just a test.", seemingly reassuring himself now. He breathes in and out, eyes closed. He'll be fine. Just another test from his mom. Just a real deal, not toddler training. He can do this. Ma raised no chicken.

 

His mom smiles and scoffs, taking her hands off his shoulder. "Woke up? Is my son back to me?" she mocks. She is not making fun of his panic attack, he knows it. She usually jokes around to make him feel better: She knows the son she has. Shawn tittered and responded. "Yeah. I'm here. Hi ma." he joked back, eyebrow lifted and a suspicious smile. The both fell into laughter until Shawn's mom spoke up. "So, you better show me how you're packing up. I need to see if you're actually for real when you say you read the guide over and over." she teased, bumping her shoulder on his. Shawn rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Yeah, yeah. Ready yourself for the best survival kit you've seen!", he proudly announced to her. His mother smiled with her teeth, and followed him to his room, where he'd start to pack everything up.

 

The show can't be that bad. It won't be that bad. He just has to do his best, wait for his elimination, stay the rest of the show doing absolutely nothing and then go home. Great plan, right? Has to be. He'll make sure to take all precautions while there, he cannot be free bait for them braineaters. Or free bait for manipulation from other contestants. But he doubts that it will happen, he's smarter than that. Cool, right. Yeah. Cool.

 

---

 

Day of the takeoff. The people in here are nightmare-ish.

 

Dave feels disgusted by just looking at mostly everyone in this plane. The plane itself, even.

 

It's.. greasy and.. dirty everywhere. He's so sure he's going to catch some sort of new disease for simply breathing the air in this thing.

 

The people in this plane aren't helping, too. Okay, so, explain to him why is there a girl singing nonstop, a guy doing beatbox, a guy who's literally pretending to be able to practice magic and successfully manage to cast a spell, two identical twins that probably look like are definitely in a toxic kind of 'friendship'.. The list goes on and on! What is happening here?! He's confused and trying to stay as collected as possible, but it is quite hard to do so with the people he's been trapped here with.

 

Suddenly, the plane starts to shake. He tries to hold onto his seat as much as he can. The people in here are.. so loud. Some are struggling, others are just straight up screaming.. and theres others - or, well, 'other'. singular. - who are screaming-singing. He believes that this chaos will end soon enough, once they're on land... Preferably somewhere clean and nice to soothe him. Lightning sounds can be heard outside. Chris McLean appear during the lightning's shining lights. Must've been a real good scheming for that one, since he seemingly appeared out of a sudden. "Who wants to have some fun?", he asks a rhetorical question, but the singing girl and Chris' wanna be doesn't seem to understand. He for sure wouldn't answer if it wasn't rhetorical, either way..

 

The host seems to explain what is going on. He talks about the plane's unsanitary ambience - which, to be honest, he has a point! - and the parachutes that it stores in boxes near emergency exits. Well, this.. already bothers Dave! Because like, what is he explaining that for? Of course he wouldn't.. make them jump from up here, right? Of course not. He definitely has a different plan in mind. There's no way, so he won't find a way for so. Haha, yeah. 

 

A girl who seems.. way more normal than everyone else, which is better hope for him, states how she hopes that they wouldn't need to use these parachutes. Yeah, common sense. He wouldn't either. "Well, who knows.. this season is full of surprises!" McLean states in response. He pauses, and grabs something. "Like this!", he says. And he presses the button..

 

And, holy shit, the plane is falling.

 

Dave swore he heard an explosion outside. The panic in the place set him in panic mode. Honestly, he does not care about the freefall. He needs to get out of here. He will, for sure, get a parachute, too. It's no bother. He just needs to get out of here before he dies. He hears Chef and Chris talking, Dave out about what exactly. He was out the emergency exit before he could figure out.

 

He falls, his eyes can barely make out the view of the other people falling alongside him. The wind slapping his face is way too strong for him to properly make out how fast he was falling, or how the people looked while they fell alongside..

 

Agh! A paper slaps his face while he falls. How convenient! Great.

 

The paper flies away from his face, and for once he is finally focused on his current task. Right, the parachute. Quick.

 

He pulls at the backpack, silently hoping that he would, for sure, have a parachute. From what he can tell from the upcoming flooring that will embrace all of those with no parachutes, it's nowhere near clean or hygienic. He does not want to deal with that.

 

Well, the hope was not sufficient to attend to him after all! Feathers fall from his backpack, and he turns his head to watch them fly. "Right, feathers! Of course. How funny." Dave drily confirms. His face drops from hopeful to unbothered, but clearly hiding his unpleasant thoughts of falling to the dirty and dusty floor. He had to accept his fate, after all! Not much he can do, but wait for your fate. A horrid fate, but unavoidable.

 

His thoughts would've gone on and on, if his whole body wasn't harshly hit by the water he fell in. As he fell further into the water, hitting softly on the sand below, he takes a small, fast moment to process the burning sensation on his face and arms. Pro tip: If you are going in a pool, never go facing front. It hurts like hell. Once his glorious moment was interrupted by his lungs screaming for help, he obediently did as it pleaded for, and swimmed to the surface. Well, it's a better fate than the harsh ground! He crawls onto where the ocean water is thin, and took a sweet moment to breathe. Alongside everyone else who fell in the water, of course. He thinks everyone needed some time to breathe after rushing off the exit of the plane and being met with water who does not spare a singular soul when it comes to pain. But way calmer than most of the people, like the blonde girl with pink clothing, who was hyperventilating and gasping for air. Overexaggerated much?

 

Eyeroll. He's trapped with weird people, and he thinks it might be one hell of a challenge staying here with all of them. It might though! Not a confirmation of anything! Maybe it's all a misunderstanding, and the people here are actually tolerable! Or, he is just being delusional, thinking he will actually have a considerably okay stay here instead of the horrors that come in the very next few days. Well, would you actually know if you would be grouped with the weirdest.. Wait, actually, cancel that thought. He'll remember of his stupid cousin and get stressed. Not in the first day, no no.

 

...

 

Once everyone was settled with adjusting and recollecting themselves, Chris proceeds to explain how the teams were forged, everyone in each team, and their names. Which, mind you, the girl mentioned before to be the most normal, had to properly translate the stupid names the host couldn't figure out were wrong himself. Dave felt himself cringe internally each time she had to. Such a shame. Well, at least he's grouped with said girl, the don't-eat-my-brains guy, and the girl who sings for everything. Well, seems strange, but they're the most normal out of the current group of people in this island. He's glad he managed to get the perfect pull! Have to be happy for something at least, right?

 

Chris had just explained the teams, and he already have given the teenagers a starting challenge. Apparently, the island does not have any shelter for them aside from the confessionals, so they have to make their own. If Chris decides he likes it, he will let them stay with the created shelter and they also get to have outside dinner! Sweet. He's sure he's got this, not much trouble. Of course, he's exhausted from the multiple passing events, but there's no way he'll let that get in the way. If he does, he'll be exhausted and lose a good night's sleep. And he's not giving up on that. Aside from Chef apparently shooting everyone while they gather materials from a giant pile with those, it should be easy enough.

 

Yeah, he's got this. 

 

And ouch! Fuck. He was just hit in the face while Chris explained Chef's shooting. Lord forbid a man has one peaceful moment where he can at least think. For the cherry on top, shortly after, Chris starts the challenge, and Chef is shooting all of them at a fast speed. They all run to hide, of course. He's not going to let himself get shot again? He's had enough of pain already, today!

 

He runs with his team, and first thing he notices is... how actually dirty this place is. He expected it: After all, this is an island, full of animals; germs; flying animals; trees; dirt... It's better if he doesn't think about it. It's worsening heavily the feeling of the dirt on his hands. He can barely notice the girl beside him making up a plan. Shit, he has to answer somehow.

 

"Yeah! Listen to her, haha. Her plan is awesome! We should totally do that! There's dirt on my hands, but like, i'm not bothered by that! No, no. Not at all! Why would i be?", he anxiously spilled a horrible attempt at words that sound perfectly normal and clear. Mentally, he's slapping himself over and over. Strangling his own self. But, hey! She didn't have an abnormal reaction, so that's fine! He'll be fine. She's a little concerned, telling by her stare, but that's fine! She'll forget soon enough.

 

...

 

Time passes by, and they're still discussing a plan. Well, seems like Sugar.. is that her name? He's not sure. But, still - Sugar, Sky and Ella seem to be busy by Leonard's magic spells or something. Sky seems more focused on getting the plan running, while Sugar assures Sky that she is stupid for not realizing that they.. quote: Have a strong and knowing wizard in their team, and they don't need to worry about anything else. He's glad at least some people in this team agrees that this is stupid. There is no such thing as 'magic'. This guy has.. some serious problems!

 

But, well, at last, someone finally did something! The zombie survivor guy.. Shawn, was it? Does.. an honestly impressive run for materials. Great! At least we have someone rather useful for the team and oh nevermind he just brought a brocolli soup for the team. He wonders if he should ask the guy how on Earth are they going to build a shelter with broccoli soup, but he's sure that he knows already, by the guy's face. Absolute disappointment in his eyes.. yeah, Dave doesn't need to reassure him of his impressive but useless failure. Better leave the guy alone about it.

 

As if the team couldn't do any worse, Ella, the girl that is apparently just Snow White, but pink? Goes off to get materials. At first, he was quite glad, since no bullets seemed to be able to hit her. Could be used for really big advantage! But no, of course not. Once she's focused, she eagerly grabs a bucket of pink glitter. Yeah, so, how were they going to do quite literally anything with that? The canned soup is better, since it can be eaten later. But what the hell do they do with glitter? Of course, Sugar is just upset over the fact Ella got it, and not her. Almost as if she was doing anything for the team, at all. He's glad he wasn't further stressed with this, because the urge to go rogue at those people was quite taunting. "What can we even do with a bucket of pink glitter..?" he asks. He resists the urge to facepalm, since his hands are currently too dirty for his own good. Of course, his teammates argued with him, but he was quite too tired to even respond back. Sugar in specific was quite annoyed by the lack of response. "Why're you askin' then not replying? Please." she blurts out offensively at him. But he really does not feel motivated enough to talk. This is.. a horrible team. But it's his team, so he can't do much about it.

 

...

 

Finally, the challenge was over. At some point, they used Dave as some sort of bait. It worked until Beardo decided to get items.. but decided, instead, that he'd do a dramatic slow-mo running. He'd be impressed if he had done at least a singular thing for the team beforehand or after. But, no. He did not. So he was mostly annoyed than impressed. And he was knocked on the back of his neck by the stupid balls too because of him, so bonus negative points.

 

They gathered around somewhere, and the only items that were actually usable were a hammer, a rope and wheat. They were not one of the three piggies to have a wheat house, so even then it was still useless. He was so tired from the day that he just decided to give up on hopes of winning the challenge; it was clear they definitely would not. Sky tried to cheer him up, but he was just even more depressed the moment they decided they would do.. a 'wizards tower'. He'd practically given up on the win by then.

 

He'd watch them build the thing. It actually looked.. okay? But not stable at all. The glitter also got on his face and his nose was itchy... Eugh. He averted his eyes from the horrid building from the deepest pits of trashcans in hell they had just birthed into the world, and something made him curious.

 

He saw Shawn, one of his teammates, wander off in the woods. He seemed to be doing something, but, genuinely, what could you even do in the forest? Well, to be fair, he guesses it's anything more interesting than the stupid building. He'd wander off, too, if he knew no one would notice. He wishes he could. He guesses he can just ask Shawn about it, once their break happens after Chris announces the losing team. He can take it as opportunity to think of who to vote, too! So he actually has excuses to go and be curious on whatever the guy's doing. Yeah, he's a genius! And he's actually glad he could finish his thought without being disturbed.

 

In fact, he does get disturbed by Chris flying on a jetpack with awful wind coming from it, but at least he finished that thought before he did. Great! It's just to accept the team's loss, then.

 

...

 

At last, the results of the challenge were announced, and of course, Dave's team were the losers. He wasn't quite surprised, but it still upset him. No one likes to lose! Some accept it better, some don't.. He wishes he could say out loud that some people don't know how to lose without being targeted and eliminated, so it's better off as just a thought. "I'll see you all at the elimination area tonight! You better be there, i know you're itching to know who is the person being eliminated!", Chris McLean states and laughs. Dave theorizes that Chris has possibly been a criminal and is currently on the loose, but he guesses he should change that theory a little, considering the show is international. Off the useless thought, his teammates and the opposing team go off to their shelter. Some don't, wandering to the unknown. Dave stands up and goes straight to the forest: He was sure Shawn should be there. After all, even when he was in the elimination, he saw the direction he went. Probably to the same place he was at before. It's not creepy to follow your teammate to know what he is doing, right?

 

He assumes not. Even if so, it was too late! Already on his leave.

 

It didn't take too long to hear noise in the bushes. Dave turns to try and find where the bush is, but the thing - or one - to produce said sounds scares him, growing out of the bush. Dave jumps and yelps. "Holy shit, dude! You don't need to scare me like that!" Dave yells, trying to find his balance and process the scare he got. "I didn't do anything, dude! I was just leaving the bush, you happened to be standing next to it when i did!", the survivalist justified himself. Dave accepted the apology without words, simpy nodding and doing breathing excersises to put his soul back inside his body. Once settled, he fixed his posture and looked at Shawn, who pushed himself off the bush and cleaned off a leaf or two. Unsanitary? Yes. But he assumes some leaves won't be too bad.. he hopes. "So, why are you out here dude? You know it's like, super unsafe.. shufflers can come from everywhere to feast on your brains!" Shawn exclaimed, going behind him and raising his hands around Dave's head, almost as if he was going to do exactly what he warns about. Having an imagination at times like this is a nightmare that Dave wouldn't wish on even the worst of his enemies. "Eugh, gross, man.." he stated, expressing clear disgust for his.. crazy and weird thoughts of zombies and guts and.. all that stuff. He took a few steps farther from Shawn, both from his disgust and fear of this guy having his hands - who Lord knows where have been, from bushes, to mud, to dust.. eugh - anywhere near him. He isn't too fond of this guy's hygiene and descriptions of zombies. "I was just curious.. why were you here outside? I saw you leaving, but what was it about?", Dave managed to ask without sounding like a weirdo. Nice! Shawn seemed to take it well, too. "Oh, i was berry-picking!" Shawn replies. Before Dave can even process the reply, Shawn shoves a bunch of berries in a small handmade bag on his chest. Dave looks down to the bag and grabs it carefully, eyes nearly shining at the horrific amount of berries the other collected. "Woah dude, you got all this in the meantime? That's awesome!", his voice gets louder and excitement seems to be clear. Shawn seems proud of himself. "Well, you know, gotta be prepared!" he flexes. Of course that it was because of the apocalypse, no shit. He wonders if he will share with the rest of the team as well. Temptation to grab one of the berries in the bag clear, taking the fact Dave's hand seemed to inch closer and closer to the inside of the bag.

 

Shawn, of course, took clear note of that behaviour. "Well, you know, gotta keep going no matter how many i already have!", Shawn declares before taking the bag from the germophobe. Dave looks at him, shocked and offended. "See you later, man." Shawn rushed a goodbye before running away, and hopping on trees. Dave lost sight of the guy quickly, even trying to run and yell for him to come back, but no success.

 

Shit, he didn't even get time to ask about the voting. But even if he did, he was sure Shawn would rant over each person's abilities over the zombie apocalypse. Would it be good analysis, even after all? Yes. Would he example gore-ish and disgusting scenarios to prove his point? Absolutely. Maybe not getting to talk to him about voting was the right choice after all.

 

He's sure to discuss votes with someone else that is not Shawn. Sky seems to be a good guess, so is Ella. They probably have better opinions on who to vote on the elimination, and these opinions probably don't involve any gross scenarios or descriptions.

 

---

 

Elimination was okay. Dave voted for Beardo, he got out, and that was it. Choice was quite easy due to the free options being Leonard and Beardo. He's not going to lie and say he didn't feel a little bad for the guy, but he really annoyed him with the sounds, so it was just for the better. He might even talk to the guy someday if he finds him ever again, considering he actually knows how to talk!

 

After the elimination, his teammates talked about the cannon or the eliminated guy. He didn't quite tune in to what they talked about specifically, all that mattered was sleeping. He was way too tired after.. whatever word's the best to describe that day. He couldn't think of any himself.

 

..Even when the time finally arrived, chaos unfolded.

 

"I am not sleeping on rocks." Dave seemed to not even consider the possibility, moreso deciding, and pronto. Ella was quick to jump in, seeing from Sugar's irritation that she wasn't going to deal with the situation very kindly.. "Awe.. Why won't you? This is like a friend's sleepover! You know? Sitting under the stars, and talking to each other about each constellation.." Ella hummed, danced around.. She continued to rant on about fairytale scenarios, and Dave swears he'd listen to her and give it a chance if he wasn't exhausted. He let out a groan. Sugar was lecturing the poor girl, yelling and threatening her. Leonard tried to settle the two and.. continued on ranting about his magic.. and Sky was asleep already, or, well, trying to. Dave decided to find somewhere that is considerably cleaner than the place they were at, and ended up settling on a rock, big enough for him to at least let him uncomfortably rest. 

 

Dave shuffled carefully to at least get more comfortable, trying to not fall off or get hurt. Once settled, he finally managed to try and rest, closing his eyes and relaxing. Commotion back there had settled down, everyone was sleeping on the floor with rocks as pillows. He's so much smarter than the rest of his team, it makes him feel a little bad for them.

 

 

His thoughts wandered as he laid there, his back hurts but it's not a big deal for now. He thinks of the multiple warnings his cousin gave him, how he didn't listen. Whatever, it's done. He can't go back and plead for him to save him from this nightmare.

 

He guesses he'll have to deal with whatever horrors await him. It can't be that bad.

 

It won't be that bad.

Notes:

finished the chapter for this fic i've been wanting to write.. but never actually found motivation for it!! thank lord i finished it though this was pulling at my hair and screaming at me for the past few days

hope you've enjoyed.. please don't mind any typos again no beta we die like dave

Chapter 2: joke chapter

Summary:

he made the mimic

his name is shawn

he made ther mimic

it was diffiuclt to put the pieces together.

but un fdortunatelt, something went SO werong..

and now hes stcuk singing this STUPID SONg!!

Notes:

this is canon