Last Call

by chelsisdoomed

Summary:

Phil Lester lives his life on autopilot. He owns a cocktail bar in a small English town and knows all of his regulars by name. Phil likes his little life, so when he meets a pretty-eyed stranger in the supermarket, he tries his best to not let it affect him. However, we don't always get what we want.

Chapter 1: Chapter One

“Come with me, Phil. We can get away from here.”
The brown-haired boy smiles softly at him.
“Just you and me. Please?”

Phil wakes with a groan to the piercing sound of his ringtone.

He sees the morning sun peeking in through the window and squeezes his eyes shut, cursing the daylight savings change.

The weather is beginning to get colder, and Phil pulls his blanket up to his chin as he groggily reaches for his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, child.”

Mum.

“Oh. Hey, Mum,” Phil responds, more flatly than intended.

“It’s 10:30 in the morning, Phil. You surely can’t still be sleeping!”

Phil smiles slightly and shakes his head. “You know that I work late pretty much every night, right? Surely I deserve some grace.”

Phil’s mum chuckles. “I suppose so, darling. Anyway, I wanted to call you because your father and I are finalising Christmas plans.”

“Christmas?” Phil exclaims. “That’s ages away.” He’s almost sure he can see her shaking her head on the other side of the phone.

“It’s two months away, dear. Martyn and Cornelia will be coming to stay for a week or so, and I need to know if that plan works for you too.”

Phil rubs his eyes and sighs. He isn’t used to thinking this early in the morning, especially not before he’s had his coffee.

“Also, you’re more than welcome to bring… someone along, if you’d like!” Phil’s mum says cheerfully.

Phil rolls his eyes. His mum knows as well as anyone that he’s been single for well over two years now, and she’s not shy about encouraging him to get out more.

“Mum…” Phil groans. “You know it’s hard for me to take time off, with the bar and all.”

Phil’s mum sighs over the phone. He continues.

“And if I do make it, I’d be coming alone.”

“Well, you know that we would love to have you. Think it over and let me know.”

“Thanks, Mum, I will,” Phil replies.

“And—if you change your mind about a guest, I’m more than happy to accommodate!”

“Yes Mum, thanks Mum, bye Mum!”

Phil can hear a smile in her voice as she says goodbye.

“Love you, Philip.”

“Love you too.”

After she hangs up, Phil rolls over in bed, squeezing his eyes shut. His mind races far too early, and he wants it to be quiet.

Ever since his relationship with Jack ended, his mum has been on his back about meeting new people.

He can hear her voice in his head. You just need to put yourself out there more—you’re not getting any younger!

Phil shakes his head and swings his legs over the side of the bed, shoving all annoying thoughts aside and replacing them with the mission of the morning: coffee.

By midday, Phil realises that he actually needs to get off the couch and think about being productive.

He makes a mental list in his head of the things that need to be done.

The bar opens at 3 p.m., but Phil usually makes sure he’s in by two to ensure everything is as it should be.

However, Fridays are his stock day. Living in a small town ensures that, as the owner of the bar, Phil has to do all of his own shopping.

Although, he doesn’t mind all that much. It isn’t often that Phil leaves his flat aside from work, and he likes being able to say hello to the people around the town.

After Phil showers, he finds his way to the closet, picking out his best black jeans and blue striped sweater.

He runs his hand through his hair as he cleans his teeth, mentally going over everything on his list.

He takes great pride in his work and is well-known in his small town for his ability to create unique cocktails based on the person ordering.

He has a good number of regulars, and despite not bringing home the big bucks, Phil is satisfied with where he is in life.

He finds it difficult to have much of a life outside of work, though, and he makes an effort not to think about it too hard.

Christmas time is busy for the bar, which Phil realizes early on makes it difficult for him to see his parents, who live on the Isle of Man.

As Phil shoves his shoes on and grabs his keys, he promises himself that he is going to make it home for Christmas this year.

 

***

 

Phil spends the better part of an hour wandering the aisles, humming to himself. He is nearing the end of his list but struggles to find any maraschino cherries.

He is so sure that they are in aisle three, but he walks up and down the aisle five goddamn times and still nothing.

He rolls his eyes and just about gives up before something catches his eye.

He exclaims and spins quickly on his heel, but instead of the cherries, he finds himself looking into a pair of warm, brown eyes.

His breath catches in his throat, and he steps back, falling into a coughing fit. Shit.

The brown-eyed man looks concerned, and when Phil’s coughs seem never-ending, he places his hand on Phil’s shoulder. Shit.

The coughing stops, and Phil takes some deep breaths, avoiding eye contact with the stranger.

“You alright, mate?”

Phil starts. He feels as though he has heard that voice before, somewhere. He looks up at him and nods sheepishly.

“Yeah, sorry. You scared me.” He laughs gently, and the man smiles slightly, a dimple poking through his cheek. He seems familiar.

“Sorry about that,” the man shrugs. “I have a tendency to sneak up on people.”

Phil snorts. “You don’t say.”

The man blushes, looking down. “Anyway, sorry again. I’ll let you get back to it.”

Before Phil can even think about responding, the man is gone.

Phil reaches the bar and unloads the shopping, but he can’t get the tall, brown-eyed man out of his head.

It’s ridiculous—he has spoken to him for all of thirty seconds, but the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles, and his dimple… whatever.

He obviously doesn’t live here; Phil has never seen him before. He probably is never going to see him again.

He shakes his head and tries to push down any thoughts of the mysterious stranger, focusing instead on putting away the cocktail garnishes.

Customers slowly start to arrive for post-work drinks, and Phil welcomes them warmly.

His specialty is cocktails, but most people hold off on those until after dark.

For now, people are ordering beer, wine, and spirits, which is easy for Phil but also gives his mind a chance to wander back to the guy in aisle three.

Phil knows he has never seen him before, but why does he look so familiar? And why can’t he get him off his mind?

He is never like this—he can’t be like this, especially at work.

So, as the orders come in and the afternoon continues, Phil goes back to working like he normally would, vowing to forget all about the man with the eyes.

7 pm rolls around quicker than Phil thinks it will. He takes a breath and looks around, realising that everything appears settled.

He decides now is a good time for him to take fifteen minutes, so he taps Sophie, his favourite bartender, on the shoulder and lets her know he’ll be back in fifteen.

She smiles and gives him a thumbs up, so he heads out the back door, making a beeline for a crate.

He is thankful to take the weight off of his feet.

Friday nights are always busy, but Phil enjoys it nonetheless.

Fifteen minutes pass before he realizes, and by the time he checks his phone, it is almost 7:30.

Fuck, he whispers. He jumps up off the crate, almost tripping over his feet as he rushes back through the door and behind the bar.

“Sorry,” he says to Sophie, who just sticks her tongue out at him good-naturedly. He takes a deep breath and surveys the room.

His eyes flick over each patron to make sure everyone has a drink in front of them, but all of a sudden someone at the bar catches his eye.

A man with curly brown hair and brown eyes, engrossed in his laptop.

Phil’s breath catches in his throat, and it’s only when Sophie says his name that he is snapped out of it.

“Phil?”

He doesn’t respond.

“You good?” she asks, looking concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Phil forces an easy tone into his voice. “I’m all good. Just—thought I saw something. Must have been my imagination.”

He chuckles, and Sophie raises an eyebrow but thankfully turns away from him.

Phil is still standing there, with an unexplainable feeling in his stomach, when he sees one of his regulars approach the bar. Right next to the man.

“Phil, mate.” He says cheerfully. “Can I get…” He trails off, momentarily thinking.

This pause makes Phil realise that the man at the laptop is looking at him.

Phil forces himself to keep looking at the customer, using all of his willpower to ignore the eyes boring into the side of his head.

“What can I do for you, Carl?” Phil asks.

Carl orders two of Phil’s specialty cocktails, describing the type of vibe he’s looking for and leaving the ingredients up to Phil.

That’s kind of what he does best. Phil has an incredible skill at taking a vibe or a flavour and creating a unique and delicious drink for the customer.

As Carl steps back from the bar, Phil begins to create his cocktail.

Carl asks for a dark, cozy, winter theme, but nothing Christmassy. Phil is happy with this request, as it isn’t overly complicated.

He decides on a smoky, maple syrup Old Fashioned, as he knows Carl isn’t big on super sweet drinks.

Phil moves around the bar with ease, adding bourbon and maple syrup to a glass, adding bitters and orange peel, and finishing it off with a smoking gun.

During the flurry, he momentarily forgets about the pair of eyes that had been watching him.

As he hands the drinks to Carl and watches him walk away, he hears a voice from the bar.

“So, Phil, huh?”

Chapter 2: Chapter Two

“So, Phil, huh?”

Phil whirls around in surprise when he hears the stranger speak. His voice is warm and full, and Phill feels a strange squeeze in his chest. He looks up and sees the man looking directly into his eyes.

“Uh - yeah - that’s me!” Phil responds, trying his best to look like he’s not terrified out of his mind. He doesn’t even know what is scaring him - he met this man for less than a minute during a random grocery encounter. There’s an odd silence. Phil tries to think of something witty to say.

“Did you… get all your shopping done?” He asks, biting the inside of his cheek. Shit. Luckily, the man just smiles at him. 

“Yeah, just the basics, you know?”
Phil nods.

“I’m Dan, by the way.”

Phil feels his face heating up and fights to stay calm. It is not often that he interacts with new people, and especially not with handsome strangers.

Shut up Phil, he tells himself. He’s not handsome. He’s just a guy. And he’s sitting there. Looking at Phil. Say something!

“Oh, uh, nice to meet you!” He pauses. “Again.” 

Dan chuckles. Before he can say anything else, Sophie calls for Phil. Shooting Dan a hopefully apologetic look, he turns around and walks to the other side of the bar. 

“Who is that?” Sophie asks, peering over Phil’s shoulder.

“Don’t look!” Phil snaps. “I met him at the shops today.”

She smiles at him. Phil rolls his eyes.

“Soph - not like that.” He groaned. 

Sophie laughed. “He’s cute.” Phil rolls his eyes but can’t fight back the smile that’s forming. “But that’s not why I need you. We’re having trouble with the POS.” 

“Ah. All good Soph, I’ll figure it out. Cheers.” 

She smiles at him and shoots him a wink as she goes to serve the customers that have wandered up to the bar.

Phil furrows his brows and scratches the back of his neck. He’d never been good with technology, and tonight was no different. 

He leans over underneath the bar to check on the cords, replugging one that had seemingly come loose. As he stands up he can feel someone watching him.

He takes a breath and risks a look towards Dan, and seeing his eyes quickly flick back to his laptop makes Phil smile to himself. 

For some odd reason, this gives Phil a small confidence boost, but before he could utilise it, his attention was pulled away by customers at the bar. 

Multiple cocktails and two hours later, Phil had designed cocktails for people who were feeling heartbroken, in love, happy, sad, and all the feelings in between. Surprisingly, Dan was still sitting at the bar. 

 

***

 

By this point, it was almost 10pm and Phil was beginning to feel tired. The list of orders had calmed down, and Phil finds himself at Dan’s end of the bar. He hasn’t looked at him yet, until Dan speaks to him. “Impressive.” 

Phil’s cheeks go pink. “What do you mean?”

“The drinks. I’ve never seen anyone do that before.”

Phil chuckles awkwardly. “Oh, thanks. I don’t know - I’m just making drinks.”

Dan eyed him with a slight smirk. “Yeah, but you’re, like, personalising it. I’m not even close to being that creative.”

The pink in Phil’s cheeks has developed into a bright red. In an attempt to divert the attention away from himself, he turns to Dan.

“Oh yeah, what are you doing on your laptop then? Don’t tell me it’s like, spreadsheets or something.” 

Dan laughs. It’s a bright laugh, and it rings beautifully in Phil’s ears. “No, not spreadsheets.” He turns his laptop towards Phil. “I’m trying to write a book.”

Phil’s eyes widen. “You’re a writer?” He exclaims.

“That’s what they call me. It’s not really how I feel right now.” His eyes darken slightly.

“Oh?” Phil prods for more information. He feels strongly that he wants to learn everything that he can about Dan, the pretty stranger. 

“I, just, I don’t know if I’m writing what I want to write. But I’ve signed a contract.” He looks at Phil, who nods. “I have almost no motivation - that’s why I’m here. I’ve left all distractions at home just so can finish this fucking thing.” 

“Oh, you’re living here?” Phil’s stomach twists. “For how long?”

“Until it’s finished, if that ever happens. Progress is not quick at the moment.”

Phil laughs. “Yeah, I know all about that.” Talking to Dan is easier than he thought it would be, and despite his anxiety, he finds himself having a nice time.

He considers opening up more but bites his tongue to stop himself. Phil barely knows the guy, and his stomach twists when he imagines Dan knowing all of his secrets. 

“Fuck me, it’s getting late!” Dan exclaims, closing his laptop with a pronounced click. 

Phil stumbles over himself, feeling like he’s kept Dan for too long. “Oh - uh - sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you, like if you’ve got somewhere to be, or… whatever.”

Phil finishes his sentence weakly, polishing a glass as he steals a glance at Dan. Thankfully, Dan is looking at him curiously, with a small smile.

“Nowhere else I’d rather be, mate.”

Phil releases a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding. “Thanks for stopping in, though. It’s always nice to have new people here.”

He smiles at Dan, unsure of what he’s feeling as well as the many thoughts running through his brain. Nowhere else? He quickly notices that Dan is smiling back, but also hasn’t made any movement to leave his place at the bar. 

“Cocktail for the road?” Dan asks, almost sheepishly. 

Phil raises an eyebrow at him. “For the road?”

“Oh, you know what I mean. I just… wanted you to make me one of your famous drinks,” he chuckles, and Phil feels as though he can sense an element of nerves coming through Dan’s voice.

“Why didn’t you ask earlier?” Phil questions him in a teasing tone, but this doesn’t seem to register to Dan.

“Oh, sorry!” He replies quickly. “If it’s too late, don’t worry, I don’t want to -” 

Phil cuts him off. “Of course I’ll make you one, silly.” He notices Dan let out a small breath of relief. 

“I would have asked for one earlier, I was just …” He trails off.

“Just what?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Dan tries to avoid Phil’s eyes, but he’s not giving up that easily.

“Oh, come on! Are you kidding me, you can’t leave a sentence like that, I hate when people do that!”

Phil laughs, making a conscious effort to find Dan’s eyes and reassure him that he’s being lighthearted. Dan seems to recognise this, and chuckles lightly, his cheeks flushing pink. 

“Fine!” He swats his hand gently towards Phil. “I was just… nervous.”

Phil furrows his brows, his suspicions from moments ago confirmed. “Nervous? Why nervous?”

Dan is still avoiding eye contact. “Don’t make this more dramatic than it is, Phil.”

Phil. It sounds musical coming from Dan’s lips. He shakes his head, trying to rid himself of those kind of thoughts.

“Oh, you haven’t realised yet?”

Dan frowns at him.

“Dramatic is my middle name, Daniel,” Phil grins at him, bowing with a flourish. He’s not sure where this sudden burst of confidence has come from, but he knows that he wants to make Dan feel as comfortable as possible in his presence. It seems to have helped somewhat, as Dan laughs, his eyes sparkling. 

“Daniel? Where did that come from?”

“That’s your name, is it not?”

“Well, yes. But no-one ever calls me that - I mean, unless I’m in trouble.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “I suppose I should stick to Dan, then?”

Dan responds quickly. “No - I mean, maybe. I… don’t mind?” His lips twitched up into a smile, and Phil decided then and there that he wanted to make Dan smile as much as possible.

There is a comfortable silence for a moment before Dan pipes up. “So, about that cocktail?”

Phil laughs. “Sure, what do you want?”

“Surprise me.”

 

***

 

Phil takes great pleasure in creating a curated drink for Dan. He nibbles his lip as he adds ingredients to a shaker, lost in thought.

He finds Dan easy to talk to, that’s a no-brainer. And it’s been a really long time since Phil has had a conversation like that with a stranger. 

That thought makes him feel inexplicably warm inside. He closes the shaker tightly and lifts his arms to shake, sneaking a peek over at Dan.

Unsurprisingly, their gazes meet. Phil bashfully looks down, not wanting to make Dan uncomfortable.

Despite this, Phil can still feel Dan’s eyes burning into his head. 

As Phil is pouring the drink into a chilled glass, Sophie saunters up to him, nudging his hip slightly.

“Sooo….” Sophie winks at him. “This for him?”

Phil rolls his eyes, fighting back a smile. “Who else?” He responds.

“Just out of curiosity, what did he ask for?”

“A surprise.” Phil garnishes the drink with some shaved chocolate and turns away from Sophie with a smile. He places the drink in front of Dan and bows.

“Voila!”

“Shit, Phil.” There it is again. “This looks good.”

“Do you wanna know what’s in it?”

“Duh.” Dan responds, smiling at his drink.

“Uh, okay. So you know that I make them based on vibes. So I tried to do one based on your vibes. Obviously.”

Phil scratches the back of his neck, suddenly feeling nervous.

“I started by thinking about what you’re here for - your writing. And I know you’re procrastinating a bit so I added a shot of espresso in there to try and spark something in your brain.” 

Phil pauses. He completely forgot about the fact that it was almost 11pm. Who in their right mind drinks coffee at 11pm?

Maybe Dan doesn’t even drink coffee. Fuck. He starts to doubt the whole thing.

“Uh - but, if you don’t, like, want coffee in it - I should have asked, sorry, I don’t know what -”

Dan cuts him off. “I drink coffee whenever. Please don’t stress. Keep going.” 

Phil nods, Dan’s encouragement helping to get him back on track. “Okay, so after the coffee, I thought about the type of person that you come across as. To me, anyway.” 

He looks at Dan, who is smiling gently at him. His eyes were warm, and Phil somehow felt entirely comfortable to continue with his spiel. 

“I added some amaretto for warmth and sweetness, because it’s starting to get colder, and also because I think you’re sweet. There’s some coconut cream in there as well to make it smooth and to add some comfort, because I think you’re a comfortable person to be around.”

Phil is rushing through his speech now, becoming increasingly aware that he is being more vulnerable than he’d like.

Hopefully Dan isn’t absorbing any of this.

“And then to finish off I added some chocolate bitters to try and incorporate some complexity and depth, because I think that you have a lot going on under the surface that I have no idea about yet.”

Yet? Yikes.

“When you put it all together, it’s supposed to come across as gentle, warm, and exciting - like you - with caffeine to help with your writing and sweetness to calm any nerves. Well - I hope it comes across like that, anyway.”

Despite the fact that Phil feels right in his element making drinks and that he is confident with his ability to convey vibes through a drink, Dan being right there makes Phil’s heart beat fast.

He’s nervous.

Even more nervous when he realises that Dan is still silent. He waits semi-patiently, as Dan seems enraptured by the drink in front of him.

“Wow.” The silence is eventually broken. Phil smiles shyly at Dan. “This looks incredible. Not only that, it sounds incredible. Are you kidding me?”

Phil laughs. “It’s not that crazy.” 

Dan snorts, not at all gracefully. “Oh, yeah, right. Let me just get up there and make something thats not an espresso martini. Not. Happening.”

He’s being sarcastic, but something about the way he’s speaking causes Phil’s heart to swell with pride. He likes it.

“You haven’t even tried it yet! It might be terrible.”

Dan scoffs, picking up the glass and taking a sip. Phil averts his eyes. He doesn’t like to see people’s initial reaction. You know, just in case.

But luckily, Phil didn’t have to wait long to get a result. Dan groans loudly, and Phil’s breath hitches in his throat.

A frown flickers over his face but before his mind can go down an entirely different and not so appropriate path, he steers his attention back to the scene in front of him.

“Fuck, Phil, this is fantastic,” he emphasises the compliment, taking another sip. “Where have you been all my life?” 

Phil tries really hard not to get caught up on that comment.

“You like it?”

“Like it? Are you joking? I love it.”

Phil laughs, a sense of relief flooding through his body.

“Mate, you’re not getting rid of me now.” Dan grinned at Phil, his dimple sitting nicely in his cheek. 

Phil feigns disappointment. “Aw, man,” he whines, smiling. “But I’m glad you like it.”

It dawns upon Phil that he’s been neglecting his bartending duties. Thankfully, due to it being a small town, the bar never gets too busy, and Sophie is extremely capable.

Even so, it doesn’t stop him from feeling a little bad. Not too bad, though, because he got to spend some time with Dan.

He leaves Dan to enjoy his drink, and wanders over to Sophie, who is wiping down the other side of the bar. 

“Sorry for leaving you alone out there tonight.” He tries to look genuinely sorry, but the moment Sophie turns to look at him, he knows that she’s not upset in the slightest.

“Bit preoccupied, were we?”

She smiles cheekily but continues.

“Don’t apologise, it’s been fine out here. You did the cocktail orders, anyway. Consider that your contribution to society for the evening.”

Phil pokes his tongue out at her fondly. “You’re too kind to me.”

“I’m not letting this go without something in return, though.” 

“Ah, but of course,” Phil responds, knowing exactly what’s coming next.

“I need updates. On you and your mystery man.” She winks again.

Phil laughs. “First of all, his name is Dan.” Sophie nods resolutely, tapping her temple as if she was locking away a memory.

“Secondly, there’s nothing to keep you updated on. He’s just a customer!”

She rolls her eyes at him. “Yeah, okay,” she says sarcastically, before holding out her pinky to him. “Pinky swear?” 

Phil smirks, linking their fingers together. “Pinky swear.”

“Alright, let’s get this place cleaned up!” 

 

***

 

Phil doesn’t want to seem too clingy and go straight back over to Dan, so he starts some of his closing tasks with Sophie.

These tasks don’t exactly distract him, though. He finds himself constantly looking towards where Dan is sitting, sometimes making eye contact, and sometimes studying his features while he is looking away. 

Phil notices that freckles lightly dotted his cheeks and that when he concentrated his eyebrows furrowed slightly.

He bites his lip and tries to focus, but his mind runs wild. He doesn’t remember the last time that someone had an effect on him like this.

His stomach twists anxiously and he tries to take some deep breaths.

Before long, the closing tasks are basically finished, and Dan is the last person in the bar.

Phil wanders up to him, hoping it looks more casual than it feels, and picks up his empty glass. 

“Still here?” Phil asks.

“Well, I wasn’t going to leave without paying,” Dan responds. He bites his lip. “Or saying goodbye.” He continues, more quietly than he started.

Phil smiles at him. His intuition was right. Dan is just a big sweetie. 

“It’s on the house.”

Dan looks at him incredulously. “What? No!”

“Consider it my welcome gift to you.”

“Are you serious?” Dan still looks shocked.

“Deadly.”

Dan’s shoulders slump in defeat, but he smiles at Phil anyway. “Thank you.”

Before Phil has a chance to respond, Dan continues.

“I guess that means I’ll have to come back for round two.”

Phil’s chest tightens, and he can’t fight back the smile that forms on his face. 

“That sounds delightful.”

Dan gets up off his stool, and begins to walk out the door. Before he leaves, he turns and waves to Phil. “Seeya round.”

Phil waves back, smile still on his face. He turns around towards Sophie, who is watching him with a knowing look on her face.

What has he gotten himself into?

Chapter 3: Chapter Three

Phil sits on the edge of his bed, his head resting heavily in his hands. It’s easily past three am by now, but Phil can’t be bothered to check the time, let alone start getting himself ready to sleep.

He can’t quite wrap his head around his interactions with Dan at the bar. They were easy, and they were fun. Banter seemed to come easily to them, and Phil thinks fondly of Dan’s smile.

His sparkling, warm, chocolate brown eyes, the way his genuine smile grows as he takes in Phil’s words, his dimple that sits so deep in his cheek that Phil feels like he could swim in it, and his curly brown hair that lays so nicely over his forehead.

His heart flutters, but the anxiety building in his stomach is at the front of his mind. Phil has had one boyfriend his whole life. He had understood from a young age that he was gay, and so never felt the desire to find a girlfriend, or to try and ‘hide’ it.

Technically, he had hidden it from his family until he moved out, but that was only because he didn’t want to be in a house where people didn’t respect his identity – he couldn’t bear the thought. In hindsight, though, Phil wishes he had come out to them earlier.

He came out to them around the kitchen table at lunchtime. His mum was immediately accepting. Phil, sweetheart, I have loved you and I will love you forever, no matter what. Phil’s dad took slightly longer to come around, but by that evening, he shared that same sentiment with his son.

Phil’s relationship with Jack came about when he had just turned twenty-three. Phil worked as a barista at a coffee shop, and Jack came in every morning before work. Before long, Jack was coming in earlier and earlier to spend more time with Phil, and so they started hanging out outside of work.

Phil’s feelings for him grew quickly and despite his fears of having a boyfriend for the first time. Things moved fast between them, I love yous were exchanged within a month, and before Phil knew it, he was having sex with his boyfriend for the first time.

At the time, Phil felt as though things were moving quickly, but he chalked it up to first relationship nerves.

Looking back now, Jack had pushed him to say and do things that he wasn’t ready for, and this didn’t stop as the relationship continued. Eventually, Phil had learned to stand up for himself, and in return, Jack became mean.

Unfortunately, Phil was young and insecure, and it took him far too long to realise that Jack was not the only person who could ever want to be around him. They eventually broke up on the eve of Phil’s twenty-sixth birthday.

It had taken Phil seven years to build himself back up. Even at 32, he can still hear Jack’s words in his head, he is wary of new people, and he definitely doesn’t get crushes.

Dan. Somewhere, somehow, Dan had come along that morning with his curls and his bright smile and charmed his way past Phil’s meticulously crafted walls. Phil, who is guarded around other people, confidently joked around with Dan, who reciprocated his humour. Phil, who is happy in his own little bubble in a world in which he is overly familiar, feels a twist in his gut whenever he thinks of the cute stranger from the supermarket. How did he get himself into this mess?

Phil groans and falls back onto the bed, hands still over his face. He has a gut feeling that his life is about to get far more complicated than he likes, and he is still unsure as to whether that will be a good thing or not. For one thing, he has been meaning to get out of his comfort zone for well over a year, so this is potentially the universe’s way of saying get the fuck up.

Phil’s mind is too tired to even fathom getting up, so he awkwardly strips his clothes off and dumps them on the floor, sliding underneath his covers and wrapping himself up tightly. He tosses and turns for a while, before slowly drifting off to sleep, thoughts of Dan weighing heavily on his mind.

 

***

 

When Phil awoke, it was nearly eleven am. He drags his hands over his face and can pretty much feel the bags under his eyes. He had tossed and turned all night, and he knows that now he’s awake, he won’t be going back to sleep.

It’s a Saturday, which means that Phil has two more shifts before the bar closes for its Monday and Tuesday ‘weekend’. He moves around the house with seemingly great difficulty, every action taking significantly longer than it should. Even coffee doesn’t put the pep in his step like it usually does.

The hours until he had to be at the bar drag, and he decides to go in early to do paperwork, even though it isn't his regular day to do it. After making himself another coffee for the road, and zipping up his coat, he starts the walk to the bar.

Minutes feel like hours as Phil sits at his desk, papers laying abandoned in front of him. He needs to get out of his own head, and he counts down the minutes until Sophie is supposed to arrive. She always knows how to cheer him up, but until she gets to work, Phil accepts that he will be by himself.

He puts on a song over the bar speakers and lays his head on his arms, taking in the music.

“Phil?”

The noise starts Phil awake, picking his head up off the desk and rubbing his eyes blearily.

“Sophie?”

She snorts in laughter. “Phil, what the fuck?”

Phil scratches his head sheepishly. “Sorry. Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she teases, still smiling. “Come on then, sleepyhead. We have a bar to set up.”

Phil looks at his watch. 3:30. Shit.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming.”

 

***

Phil’s bartending duties feel like they drag on for far longer than they usually do. Even his conversations with his regular customers don’t seem to take the edge off. He stumbles over his words occasionally, and more than one person notices. He’s getting pretty sick of people asking if he’s okay.

He knows that people are just trying to be caring, but it grates on him after a while. His gaze keeps falling to the door, but the more time that goes on, the less hopeful his gaze becomes.

By the end of the evening, he has messed up a significant number of drinks, and for a Saturday night, that slows them down. He can see Sophie eyeing him in his peripheral vision, and Phil knows that she’s waiting to talk to him. The last few customers trickle out and Phil walks over to lock the front doors. 

When he turns back around, Sophie is looking at him, a tea towel thrown over her shoulder and her arms crossed. Phil bites the inside of his cheek and walks back behind the bar, eyes cast downwards. When he eventually lifts his eyes to meet hers again, he notices they are full of concern. 

This fact calms Phil’s nerves slightly, but he still knows that she is expecting him to open up to her. He doesn’t really do that with anyone, and despite having known Sophie for so long, it was hard to be honest. 

Phil has known Sophie ever since he moved to this town. Her partner, PJ, was Phil’s high school best friend. When Phil decided he needed to leave Manchester, PJ immediately volunteered to come with him. For that, Phil is forever grateful. PJ is someone that cares deeply for him, and Phil knows deep down that he wouldn’t be where he is now without his best friend’s support. 

Sophie and PJ met soon after they moved in, and one thing led to another. When Phil opened his bar, Sophie was looking for a job and it felt like the perfect combination. 

“Phil,” Sophie touches Phil’s shoulder, her tone gentle. “What’s going on with you tonight?”

Phil tries to muster up a cheery smile. “Nothing, Soph! Just tired, that’s all.”

She raises her eyebrows at him. “I’ve seen you tired, Phil. This is different.”

“Really. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

“Sure, that might be true, but I also think there’s something else going on.”

Phil looks down at his shoes and speaks softly. “I don’t know, Soph.” He pauses. “I’ll be fine though.”

Sophie steps closer to Phil and takes his hand in her own. “Whatever it is, Phil, you know I’m always here to listen.”

Phil smiles weakly at her, feeling a warmth in his heart. “Thanks, Sophie.”

“How about I finish packing up so you can get out of here so you can get a good sleep?”

“Sophie, no. I can at least stay to help! Don’t be silly.”

She grins at him. “Alright, mister. If you insist!”

The pair spend the next twenty minutes clearing tables, running the dishwasher, polishing glasses, and wiping counters, joking all the while. Phil feels a little weight lifted off of his shoulders knowing that he has people in his life who care about him.

Sophie flicks the lights off while Phil grabs his phone and keys from the drawer under the till. 

“Ready?” she asks him.

“As I’ll ever be,” he responds.

They walk out to her car, and Phil leans against it. 

“See you tomorrow?” Phil offers as a goodbye.

“Hey, Phil.” Sophie responds. Phil cocks an eyebrow at her. “Come for lunch tomorrow? PJ misses you.”

Phil smiles at that. He hasn’t seen PJ in a couple weeks, and he finds himself missing his friend often.

“I’d love to.”

“Great, I’ll see you tomorrow. Come round whenever!” She grins at him and gets in her car.

Phil watches her drive off, and starts his walk home. In the absence of Sophie’s joyful presence, thoughts have started swimming through his brain. Instead of confronting these thoughts, Phil puts his earphones in and starts walking quicker.

Notes:

hey guys, i'm so happy that there are people enjoying my little story! i will be aiming to put out at least a chapter every week, but not necessarily on a set schedule. i'll be posting every time a new chapter comes out on my twitter @chelsisdoomed. love u all <3

Chapter 4: Chapter Four

Phil wakes to the sound of birds chirping loudly. He wants to groan and shove his pillow over his head to try and get more sleep, but for the first time in a long time, the sound of the birds brings him joy. Phil remembers when he used to lay awake, purposefully listening for bird noises because they made him happy. But he didn’t do that anymore. 

This morning, however, feels different, and Phil doesn’t know why. His mind is spinning, which hasn’t been uncommon for him in the past couple days. He tunes into the bird noises to drown out whatever’s happening in his brain and notices how calm it makes him feel. His eyes are closed and his breathing is steady, and before he knows it, he’s fallen asleep again.

It’s almost midday by the time he wakes up, and when he checks his phone he almost falls out of bed in a hurry to get up. He knows that Sophie told him that he could come around to their place whenever, but he also knew that meant come around at the time a normal human has lunch . Phil rushes around his bedroom, picking up clothes off of the floor and trying to put together a semi-decent outfit that would make sense for both a casual lunch as well as work.

He throws the outfit on his bed and gets into the shower, rushing through his routine. Despite Phil often running late to things, he really dislikes being in a rush. He blowdries his hair and messes it up in the mirror, aiming for the carefree toussled look that to be honest, is much easier than the straightened fringe he used to have.

It’s only half an hour later when Phil calls an Uber, which he’s actually pretty proud of. He pulls on the hem of his sweater and scans the flat for anything he might have left behind. 

In the cab on the way to PJ and Sophie’s, Phil’s mind begins to wander again. The rush of the morning had prevented too much actual thinking, and for that Phil was grateful. He honestly can’t seem to understand why he is reacting the way that he is. He’s never felt like this before after meeting anybody - he never felt like this once when he was with Jack. 

Feelings have always been a strange phenomenon for Phil. There’s something about the way that the whole body reacts to them that he has avoided. He understands them from an outside perspective, but when he himself is feeling them, it’s a foreign concept. They make him feel father away from earth than he would like to be, like he’s floating. So, he pushes his feelings away. He’s always thought that he doesn’t feel enough. 

Why then, all of a sudden, does he feel too much?

When he arrives at the home of PJ and Sophie, he is immediately welcomed with open arms. It feels like a breath of fresh air to see PJ again after so long, and Sophie is always a delight to be around. Their house is bright and full of colour, and Phil easily feels at home there. 

Food is already on the table as he walks inside. His mouth starts watering, and he is reminded that he hadn’t eaten yet today. 

“You happy with burritos?” PJ appears behind him, making Phil jump.

He laughs. “If I ever say no to that question, just kill me.”

PJ grins in response, grabbing his arm and pulling him toward the table.

 

***

 

The three of them are halfway through enjoying their burritos and catching up on life when Sophie turns her attention towards Phil. There is a suspicious glint in her eye but Phil doesn’t have a chance to catch it before she starts talking.

“So, Peej. There was a special guest at work the other night, right Phil?”

Phil’s breath catches in his throat, but he makes a strong effort to act natural. PJ turns his body towards Phil, his eyebrows raised.

“Oh?” he questions, prompting Phil to continue.

Phil shakes his head. “I promise you, it’s not nearly as exciting as Sophie’s making it out to be.”

“I think I’ll be the judge of that,” PJ teases, poking Phil in the side. “Go on, Soph.”

She looks at Phil, her eyes questioning. Phil slowly nods back at her. Sophie and PJ are his best friends, and he trusts both of them more than anyone in the world. Against his best judgement, Phil might actually be willing to let them help him.

“Someone new came into the bar the other night,” Sophie starts. “A guy. I don’t think he lives here. What was his name, Phil?”

“Dan.”

“Right, Dan.” She smiles at him. “Anyway, apparently Phil met him at the shops that morning and then when he came into the bar that night, Phil spent ages talking to him. He even made him his own cocktail.”

“Isn’t that, like, his job?” PJ interrupts.

Sophie rolls her eyes. “Yeah, but like, I saw the amount of thought that went into it, and he explained each and every element to Dan, who, by the way Phil, seemed to appreciate that immensely .”

Phil shrugs, trying to hide the blush that was creeping up his cheeks.

“Phil didn’t even make him pay for it.”

PJ seems to notice Phil’s bashfulness and advocates for him. “Maybe Phil was just being nice! You know, welcoming him to the town and all that.”

PJ looks into Phil’s eyes, trying to read him.

“Yeah?”

Phil shrugs again. “I don’t know. Yes and no?”

PJ frowns, not unkindly. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Phil replies, his courage building. “Like, he was interesting to me, and I wanted to know more about him.”

PJ’s smile grows as Phil talks. 

“I don’t even know why I shouted the drink, I guess I wanted to be nice but maybe I also wanted him to like me?”

PJ thinks about his response for a moment before speaking.

“Do you… like him?” He asks the question carefully.

Phil’s head drops into his hands. “I don’t know, PJ.” His speech is strained. “I met him literally two days ago.”

“I don’t think that matters,” Sophie pipes up. “Two minutes, two days, who cares? If you like someone, you like them.”

Phil looks at her between his fingers.

“I mean,” she continues. “I’ve never seen you act that way with a normal customer.”

“I guess not. I guess I haven’t really stopped thinking about it.” Phil pauses. “Is that normal?”

PJ and Sophie smile at each other. “Yeah, Phil.” PJ tells him, placing his hand on Phil’s shoulder. “It’s actually the most normal thing in the world.”

Phil runs his hand through his hair. “I just - I don’t know what to do with all this, you know? Ever since Jack, I haven’t really gotten close to anyone, and especially not anyone that I just met!” Phil exclaims. “And anyway, what if I never see him again? He’s only here so he can write his book -”

“A writer!” PJ interrupts. “Phil, come on. He’s not going to have finished his book in two days.”

“Fine, what if I weirded him out and he never wants to see me again?”

“Phil, are you joking?” Sophie laughs. “I don’t know if you’re blind or what but he was the opposite of weirded out. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up at the bar every night.”

“He didn’t come last night,” Phil points out.

“So what? Maybe he’s questioning things in the same way you are.”

Phil groans and falls silent. It feels nice to get his thoughts off his chest, and it’s even more nice to be able to confide in his friends. He should do this more often. 

PJ pulls him in for a hug. “Phil, you know that we’re always here to listen to whatever you have going on, okay?

Phil smiles at him gratefully.

“Especially if it’s about a cute boy.” Sophie continues.

PJ raises an eyebrow at her. “Cute, huh?”

She snorts and throws her napkin across the table at him. “This conversation isn’t about me. Focus on Phil, you dummy.”

The three of them laugh, and Phil feels more content than he has in a long time.

 

***

 

The hours of the afternoon fly by as PJ, Sophie, and Phil play Trivial Pursuit around the fireplace, mugs of hot chocolate in hand. 

Before he knows it, Sophie and Phil have to reluctantly head to the bar, so PJ drives them there. 

“I’ll pick you both up tonight, yeah? Can’t have you always walking home in the cold, Phil.” PJ chides as Phil and Sophie get out of the car. 

Phil grins at him. “What a lovely little chauffeur you are, Peej.”

“Don’t push your luck.” He laughs, giving Sophie a kiss and Phil the middle finger.

The pair wave as he drives away, and Sophie wraps her arm around Phil’s as they walk through the doors. 

“Thanks for talking to us today,” she says, and Phil can hear how genuine her voice sounds. Despite the cold, he feels warm.

“No one else I’d rather talk to.”

They smile at each other. “We just gotta get through tonight, can we do that?” Sophie asks him.

“With you here, how could I not?”

Their shift runs smoothly, Phil and Sophie working in perfect harmony. They’re good at what they do and they thoroughly enjoy working together.

Sunday’s shift is infinitely easier than the previous night, as it feels as though a weight has been lifted off of Phil’s chest. He’s no longer checking the door for Dan every five minutes, and he doesn’t feel a pit of anxiety in his chest. There is, however, still a slight hope in teh back of his mind that Dan will show up, but Phil ignores it.

As the hours go by and the patrons start to trickle out, it hits 11pm and Phil makes his rounds for last call. No one wants anything, meaning Phil and Sophie can start their clean up early. Sophie texts PJ to start making his way over. 

Everything is close to being packed up, and Phil’s head is buried in the register when he hears the front door bang shut. He looks up in surprise and when he realises what’s happening, he looks at Sophie, who shares a similar surprised expression. He looks back towards the door and his own eyes are met by a pair of warm brown ones. He’s here .

Phil looks back towards Sophie, who gestures for him to go talk to Dan. He takes a deep breath, and heads for the other side of the bar to where Dan has already made his way. 

“Hey, Dan.” He starts nervously, his voice wavering. “Bar, is, uh, closed - I’m so sorry - if you’d come earlier, I would have made you -”

Dan cuts him off.

“Oh, I’m not here for a drink.”

Phil swallows thickly.

“You’re… not?”

Dan shakes his head, looking down at his feet. “I, uh, I couldn’t sleep.”

“So… you came here?” Phil desperately wants Dan to look at him, but he won’t. Dan’s face scrunches up in embarrassment.

“It was a stupid idea, sorry Phil. I’ll just…”

He cuts himself off and starts to walk away.

Phil is stood in stunned silence, but shakes off his surprise just in time. “Wait!” 

Dan turns around.

“Don’t go.” Phil tells him quietly.

Dan’s eyes slowly meet his for the first time since his arrival and a small smile creeps onto his face.

“Just give me a second to finish the till. Wait here.”

He turns around before Dan can say anything else and hurries back over to Sophie, who has clearly been waiting with baited breath.

“Phil, oh my god - Phil, what just happened?” She is bouncing on the balls of her feet with excitement.

“Chill, chill. I told him the bar was closed and he said he wasn’t here for a drink and I said what are you here for then and he said that he couldnt sleep and then I said so why did you come here and he almost left and I said wait and I don’t know why so now he’s waiting and Sophie I don’t know what to do.” He takes a breath and looks at Sophie, who is looking at him in stunned silence. 

“Phil…” she breathes.

“Sophie, help me!” 

Before Sophie can respond, Phil hears the door bang shut again. He whirls around, willing Dan not to have left, but thankfully it’s just PJ. PJ .

He grins at the two of them and casually saunters over, before stopping in his tracks and looking at them suspiciously. “Why do you two look so scared?”

“Peej.” Sophie hisses at him. “Don’t look now, but that’s Dan.” She gestures toward him with her head.

“Oh my god.”

“I know.” Sophie responds.

“Phil, what happened?” 

By this point, Phil has recovered enough to speak normally. “He came here because he apparently couldn’t sleep and now he’s waiting for me, I guess.” He tries to sound casual, but to be honest, he didn’t pull it off all that well. He can tell because of the look of pure glee in PJ’s eyes.

“What are you waiting for then?” 

“Dude, I haven’t finished the till or anything!” He exclaims.

“Oh my god, hurry up then. He’s literally waiting for you.”

Phil whacks him on the shoulder and starts counting the cash that he had abandoned when Dan walked in. He can see PJ and Sophie gesturing silently to each other out of the corner of his eye and shoots them a glare. 

“Are you guys going to help me or what?” He asks them.

“Phillll, we’re trying to think of something,” PJ pouts at him.

“I’m just nervous! Like what the fuck is going on right now, you know?”

Phil finishes writing down the cash amounts and prints out the receipts for card transactions and the total for the night. He places them in the book and stashes it under the till. He looks over at Dan, who is already looking at him. Dan smiles at him, and Phil can’t help but smile back.

His eyes flick back to Sophie and PJ, who are watching him with knowing smiles.

“Get out of here, Phil. Go for like a walk or something. Tell him it’ll help clear his head.” 

Phil smiles at her. “Thanks, Soph. You’re a genius.”

PJ throws his arms in the air. “What about me?” He exclaims. 

Phil reaches across the bar and shoves him lightly. “You’re just lucky you’ve got her.”

PJ rolls his eyes at Phil, still smiling. 

Sophie picks up her bag and walks around the other side of the bar to join PJ.

“All right, I’ll see you guys later.” Phil gives them a small wave.

“See you later,” PJ responds. “And if you don’t call me tomorrow, Phil, I swear to god -”

Phil interrupts him with a laugh. “Yeah, yeah.”

PJ and Sophie return his wave, and before he knows it, they’re gone.

He turns towards Dan who is still waiting at the bar and gives him a shy smile. As he starts to walk over to him, it dawns on him. For the first time, they’re all alone. There’s no one to save him. 

“Welcome back,” Dan greets him warmly.

In that moment, Phil realises that maybe he doesn’t want to be saved.

 

***

 

Phil suggests a walk, which Dan enthusiastically accepts. Phil pays close attention to Dan’s mannerisms, the way his warm eyes light up when Phil returns, and how his smile widens when it becomes apparent that Phil wants to spend time with him. Phil really likes looking at him, whether or not he wants to admit it. 

The idea of spending time alone with Dan makes Phil’s stomach twist, and his heart beat faster. Even now, as the two stand alone in one of the most comfortable spaces that Phil knows, he feels entirely unfamiliar with the situation. Dan’s presence warms Phil in a way that he hasn’t experienced before, and against his better judgement, finds himself wishing he could stay in this moment forever. 

The two have ended up at the door to the bar. Phil turns his head to look at Dan, and is once again met with an overwhelmingly warm pair of shining brown eyes. He never wants to look away. But on the other hand, he doesn’t want to be weird, so he shoots Dan a small smile and looks down at his hands. He twists at his fingers and the two men stand in silence for slightly too long, before Dan speaks quietly.

“Where do you want to go?” he asks, his voice timid. Phil finds it entirely too endearing, but reminds himself that he needs to be calm. This is just a regular walk. Probably a friendship walk. Dan just needs company. 

“Oh. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead,” Phil responds, grimacing slightly. He really should have thought of something, or at least asked PJ or Sophie. 

“I don’t mind where we go, I just don’t really know the place.”

Phil laughs lightly, having momentarily forgotten that Dan isn’t from around here. 

“Maybe we just start walking and see what happens?” Phil asks, looking up at Dan. He feels embarrassed all of a sudden. His phrasing isn’t incorrect, but for some strange reason, he feels as though he’s drawn attention to his inner feelings. He scratches his neck awkwardly and looks away. Dan doesn’t seem to notice Phil’s discomfort, and smiles brightly at him.

“Sounds good to me!” he exclaims. 

Phil nods solemnly and pushes the bar door open, gesturing for Dan to go ahead. Phil takes a deep breath and ventures out into the cold night air behind Dan, steeling himself for what could possibly be the most interesting night of his life. Or rather he hoped so, anyway.

***

The two walk through the empty streets in silence. Dan hasn’t said a word since they started walking, and Phil was feeling far too anxious to even try. It felt strange, the silence, but not entirely uncomfortable. Phil is usually the one to strike up conversations and ask questions, and so he doesn’t quite understand why this time is so different. 

Phil, without even meaning to, steals the occasional glance at Dan. The full moon is out and the night sky is cloudless and clear, bathing Dan in moonlight. Phil didn’t think it was possible, but Dan manages to look even more ethereal under the moon’s gaze. 

He knows that at some point, one of them has to talk to the other. He wracks his brain to try and come up with something cool, maybe even witty, to say, but before he manages to find the perfect words, Dan speaks, his tone entirely too gentle. 

“Are you cold?”

Phil looks at him in surprise. He wasn’t wearing a coat, true, but he quickly realises that somehow, despite his lack of layers, he feels warm. 

Dan continues to fill the silence. “I mean, you’re shivering.”

Phil realises that, yes, his body is involuntarily shivering. But it’s not the kind of shiver that happens when he’s cold. He thinks it might be a nervous shiver. He tries to shake it off mentally, but when the thought occurs to him that Dan is paying attention to him, the shiver comes back even more intensely.

“We can go if you’re cold, Phil. Really. I didn’t mean to make you come out here in the cold. You’e not even wearing a coat. Come on, let’s -”

Phil cuts Dan’s rambling off with a fond smile.

“Don’t be silly. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Dan’s eyebrows are furrowed with concern. 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

Dan smiles at him and their eyes meet, neither of them looking away. A blush creeps onto Dan’s cheeks, and Phil can feel his own face warming. Phil feels as though he could live in this moment forever. 

All of a sudden, a crack of thunder sounds above them and rain begins to pour from the sky.

“What the fuck?” Dan laughs with glee. “Come on, we have to get out of here!”

He grabs Phil’s hand and begins to run, pulling a suddenly very frazzled Phil behind him. Dan’s hand is warm in his own, and his skin lights up where Dan has touched. He unconsciously grips Dan’s hand tighter and lets himself be pulled along behind him.

“Where are we going?” Phil calls to Dan, blinking rain out of his eyes and pushing his wet hair off of his forehead. 

Dan points ahead of him to a park. “Under a tree!” he exclaims, joy pouring out of his voice.

Phil can’t help but feel the same. He laughs excitedly and picks up the pace until the two are running side by side. Neither of them let go of the other’s hand.

Thunder cracks again as they round the corner to the park. Dan seems to spot a tree that he thinks is worthwhile and pulls Phil towards it. The grass is slippery and Phil places all of his focus on keeping his balance, not even realising when Dan stops in front of him. 

Phil crashes into his back and the two fall onto the ground in a heap of long limbs. Phil lays there for a moment with his eyes closed, trying to regain his senses. The tree above them protects them from some of the rain, but Phil can still feel the thick drops falling onto his face. When Phil finally opens his eyes, he is greeted by Dan’s concerned face, only inches from his own. 

Phil’s breath catches in his throat. 

“Oh good, I was worried.” Dan says, a grin forming on his face. Phil can’t speak. Phil can’t breathe. His eyes are wide and he feels entirely too heavy all of a sudden. Dan seems to realise and nonchalantly pushes himself up to sit against the tree.

Phil feels the lack of warmth and curses himself for not responding. Now Dan probably feels weird. They were having fun. Why did Phil have to react to everything so poorly?

He swallows thickly and sits up, looking at Dan. He wills a smile onto his face, which doesn’t seem to take much convincing once he looks into Dan’s eyes. “Never better.”

In a moment of bravery, he walks over to Dan and sits next to him against the tree. Their shoulders were touching. 

“Are we waiting out the storm?” Phil asks quietly.

“If you’re happy to?” Dan questions in response.

Phil is overjoyed at the suggestion, but wills himself to stay calm.

“Fine by me,” he responds, in the most level voice that he could muster.

They smile at each other, and Dan turns to look at the park in front of them. Phil, on the other hand, would much rather study his features. His curly brown hair, now soaked with rain, falls onto his forehead. His jaw is lightly peppered with freckles, and moles sit neatly on his cheek, just next to where his dimple would be. His dimple . Invisible now, as Dan isn’t smiling, and Phil finds himself missing it.

The two sit in silence for what feels like hours, but the silence is comfortable and the time doesn’t drag. Dan’s eyelids become heavy, and he falls in and out of sleep as the rain continues to pour around them. Before long, his eyes have closed and his head has found its way onto Phil’s shoulder.

Phil doesn’t dare move a muscle.

A smile creeps onto his face and he closes his eyes, wanting this moment to last forever.

He’s been thinking that a lot these days.

Notes:

thank you all for reading my little story. i appreciate and love you all <3

Chapter 5: Chapter Five

Phil wakes once again to the sound of birds and sunlight pushing through his closed eyelids. He slowly comes to his senses and feels a weight on his shoulder. Dan.

 

The memories of the previous night come rushing back to him. The late-night walk, the rain, the falling on top of each other and falling asleep under a tree. Phil looks over at Dan’s head on his shoulder. He can’t see his face but he can picture how peaceful Dan must look right now. His curly hair has dried and his ringlets are spilling onto Phil. He has the sudden urge to run his hands through Dan’s hair, but he resists. If Dan woke up, he might think that was weird of Phil to do.

 

Instead, Phil decides that he wants a photo to commemorate the moment. He inches his hand towards his pocket ever so slowly, knowing that any move could be the one that wakes Dan up. This might be his only chance. He thankfully manages to slip his phone out of his pocket and inwardly congratulates himself for his dexterity. 

 

He slowly raises the phone up with the selfie camera facing him and Dan. Through the camera, he can see Dan’s closed eyes and how his long eyelashes flutter in his sleep. His face is so calm and soft. Phil can’t help but smile. 

 

He makes sure the two of them are both in shot, and Phil smiles at the camera.

 

Click .

 

Shit. Phil didn’t silence his phone. In his panic, he drops the phone into the dirt. He feels Dan stirring on his shoulder, and all of a sudden the weight that had become so comfortable on his shoulder is gone. He misses it immediately.

 

“Phil?” Dan’s voice is raspy and thick with sleep, and a blush immediately creeps onto Phil’s cheeks. He doesn’t have time to think about how good Dan’s voice sounds and the fact that he could get used to hearing it in the mornings before Dan reaches down and picks up the phone.

 

Fuck .

 

It’s still open on the camera, and Phil reaches out for it quickly, but Dan pulls the phone out of his reach. 

 

“Did you take a photo of me?” Dan’s voice is impossible to read in this moment, and Phil can’t bring himself to look at him. 

 

His face feels hot and his shoulder feels cold. It’s not a combination that Phil enjoys. 

 

There is a prolonged silence that feels like it goes on forever, and Phil wants to crawl out of his skin. He’s sure that he just ruined whatever kind of relationship that he’d been building with Dan. Why did he even take the photo? It was stupid. Phil chides himself over and over and he’s just about ready to get up and leave, forget the phone, forget any of this ever happened, when Dan finally breaks the silence.

 

“It’s kind of cute.”

 

What?

 

Phil’s head turns towards Dan in shock. Dan doesn’t meet his eyes, instead keeping them locked on the photo. 

 

“You… think so?” Phil asks him carefully. He’s still not entirely sure what to think. Dan’s face is void of emotion.

 

“I do.” 

 

Phil lets out a breath that he didn’t realise he’d been holding.

 

“Oh.”

 

Dan slowly turns his head to meet Phil’s eyes, and Phil notices the warmth in them that he’s become all too familiar with. 

 

“In fact,” Dan continues, his eyes twinkling. “I think I’m gonna need you to send this to me.”

 

Phil bites his lip and looks away. He knows that his cheeks are definitely still glowing red, and he doesn’t really know what to make of the situation. Dan doesn’t seem to have a problem with the photo, so why is Phil still feeling like he’s done something wrong?

 

“Can you send it to me? I’ll put my number in your phone.”

 

Phil nods slowly, still unable to form words. He probably looks like an idiot at the moment, but what is he supposed to do? Dan just said he wants Phil’s number.

 

He knows that he needs to snap out of it as soon as possible, and he’s all too aware of the boy next to him waiting for a proper answer.

 

“Yeah, go for it.” His attempt to speak normally failed dismally. His pitch was about two octaves higher than he’d normally speak, and all four of his words wobbled as they emerged from his lips. Idiot .

 

All of a sudden, Dan is standing, holding out his hand to Phil. Almost automatically, Phil takes it and Dan pulls him up. The sudden movement causes Phil to stumble and he falls against Dan’s chest. Dan places his hand’s on Phil’s to steady him, which doesn’t help the feeling in Phil’s already churning stomach. 

 

Everywhere that Dan touches feels like it’s on fire. He looks up at Dan, who is smiling warmly at him.

 

“Glad the rain stopped eventually, huh?” Dan asks good-naturedly, removing his hands from Phil’s shoulders. 

 

Phil desperately wants to grab Dan’s hands and put them back where they were, but he knows that it’s a ridiculous thought. On the other hand, Dan’s lack of touch means that Phil’s head  begins to clear somewhat and he manages to form a sentence.

 

“Yeah, definitely.”

 

Great work, Phil.

 

“Probably should get home now and shower or something. Wouldn’t do us any good to catch a cold.” Dan begins to walk, bumping Phil’s shoulder as he goes and gesturing with his head for Phil to follow. 

 

Phil is enraptured by how good Dan manages to look after a night sleeping outside in the rain. He quickens his pace to join Dan’s side, and looks up at him. 

 

“Yeah, I’m pretty dirty too. Shower sounds nice.” Phil responds, wanting desperately to keep conversation going. They actually didn’t spend much time talking last night, and Phil wants to make up for that before they part ways again.

 

Dan looks guilty all of a sudden. He looks down at his feet and speaks quietly.

 

“Sorry about last night.”

 

Phil frowns.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“If I’d known it was going to be like that I wouldn’t have come out.”

 

Phil swallows and scratches the back of his neck. Did he mean the rain, or falling asleep together? Phil really wanted to know, but he didn’t want to ask.

 

“Oh.” Is all he can muster up to say.

 

They walk in silence for a few hundred metres. Phil’s desire to keep the conversation going is still there, but he doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I mean, why didn’t I check the forecast? I’m such an idiot. We’re literally in England.”

 

Phil lets out a breathless laugh. He was talking about the rain. Maybe he didn’t regret the sleeping. Hopefully he didn’t regret the sleeping. 

 

“Hey,” Phil grabs his elbow before he can stop himself, and turns Dan to face him. The two are stopped in the middle of the footpath, leaving very little space for the early morning joggers. “I had a good time.”

 

Dan’s eyes soften. “You did?”

 

Phil scoffs. “Of course!” he exclaims. “Didn’t you?”

 

He’s really hoping he did.

 

Dan smiles at him. “I did.”

 

Phil holds Dan’s eye contact for as long as he can before he knows to turn away. The blush creeping up his face is far too obvious, and he curses himself for being so pale.

 

“How far away is your place?” Dan asks, changing the subject.

 

“20 minutes?” Phil estimates. They’re not far from the bar at this point.

 

“I’ll walk with you.”

 

Phil smiles at him, and Dan smiles back. The smile doesn’t leave his face for most of the walk home.

 

***

The walk to Phil’s flat was uneventful but comfortable. The pair spoke with ease, cracking jokes and talking about music. Phil discovered that Dan shared a favourite band with him, which filled him with excitement.

 

By the time they reached the flat, Phil was full of happiness, despite knowing that the two of them would have to part ways. He was thinking about all the things that he’d have to tell PJ and Sophie, and for the first time in a long time, was excited about the future.

 

Phil placed his hand on the doorknob and steeled himself to say goodbye to Dan. Before he could, Dan spoke up with a shy smile.

 

“Don’t forget to send me the photo,” he told Phil, his cheeks tinted pink.

 

“I wouldn’t dare,” Phil teased, a grin on his face.

 

“And when I have your phone number I won’t have to show up at the bar next time I want to see you.”

 

Phil froze, but before the gravity of that sentence could set in, Dan pulled Phil in for a brief hug.

 

“Seeya!” He gave Phil a bright wave and skipped off.

 

Phil half-heartedly waved back, but Dan was already gone.

 

***

 

The moment Phil enters his flat, he makes a beeline for his bed and flops down facefirst, letting out a scream that is drowned out by his plush bedsheets. He sits up and his head falls into his hands.

 

“Oh, my, God.” he whispers the words to himself as if there’s someone around to hear. 

 

Phil was alone for the first time since he’d left his house in a rush the previous day. Unsurprisingly, his mind instantly filled with thoughts that were running through his brain at a million miles an hour.

 

How the fuck did they manage to fall asleep in the rain ?

 

Why didn’t I say goodbye when he left?

 

He wanted to see me?

 

Dan fell asleep on my shoulder.

 

Dan put his phone number in my phone.

 

Dan wants me to text him.

 

Dan wants Phil to text him. The thought hit him like a bullet. Dan hadn’t sent the photo to himself. Why would he do that? Was he… hoping that Phil would text him? Maybe a good excuse to start a conversation?

 

Surely not.

 

But… what if?

 

Phil can’t keep up with all the questions forming in his brain. It’s all a little much for him. He pulls his phone out to find three missed calls from Sophie and a bunch of texts.

 

Sophie: phil

 

Sophie: phil don’t ignore me

 

Sophie: me and pj are desperate

 

Sophie: please phil

 

Sophie: [sent a photo]

 

Phil looks at Sophie and PJ’s pouting faces and can’t help but laugh. He’s honestly glad that he told them about Dan because he doesn’t know if he could handle keeping all these new developments to himself.

 

He texts Sophie back.

 

Phil: sorry sorry sorry

 

Phil: just got home

 

Sophie texts back almost instantly.

 

Sophie: PHIL

 

Sophie: tell me what happened rn or i’ll literally skin u alive

 

Phil: in person pls theres too much

 

Sophie: oh my god come over immediately pj is screaming

 

Phil: see u soon gotta shower

 

Sophie: god phil ur such a tease im so excited

 

Phil: :)

 

Phil doesn’t get up straight away. He opens up the photos app slowly, almost nervously. He clicks on the photo, scared to look at it properly for the first time.

His eyes are immediately drawn to Dan’s sleeping face. He looks so peaceful. His curls fell onto his forehead, narrowly avoiding his long eyelashes. Pale brown freckles dot his cheeks. His soft pink lips are parted slightly, showing the whites of his teeth. 

 

Phil likes looking at Dan very much, he’s decided. But he still feels like something is missing, and as he spends longer looking at the photo, he realises its the eyes. He can’t see Dan’s eyes. As Phil smiles to himself and turns his phone off, he vows to himself that he will take more photos of Dan, with his eyes open.

 

He makes it to Sophie and PJ’s within the hour, and the moment he knocks on the door it’s flung open and he’s dragged inside.

 

“Philip Michael Lester, you need to explain what’s going on right this minute!” Sophie exclaims, mock anger on her face. She can’t control it for long though, and collapses into giggles. Phil is very fond of Sophie.

 

“Make me breakfast first.” He shoots back, poking his tongue out at her.

 

“Oh, you’re a needy boy, aren’t you?”

 

“Fine, guess I’ll go home then,” Phil smiles at her and turns on his heel. Before he can even take a step, Sophie grabs his arm.

 

“You’re not going anywhere,” she hisses at him.

 

“Children, stop fighting, please!” PJ exclaims, walking out from the bedroom. 

 

Phil turns his attention toward PJ. 

 

“Make me breakfast, pretty please?” he asks sweetly, batting his eyelashes at him.

 

PJ rolls his eyes. “How could I ever say no to you?”

 

Phil grins.

 

“You gotta keep me company, though.”

 

Phil nods excitedly and follows him into the kitchen, Sophie trailing closely behind.

 

***

 

The three had found their way to the lounge, half-eaten plates of pancakes and syrup abandoned in front of them.

 

“You slept together under a tree?” Sophie exclaims. “Like, all night?”

 

“I told you, it started raining, and he grabbed my hand and we ran to the park, and I slipped and fell onto him -”

 

“Oh my god, Phil, it’s like the movies, I swear.”

 

“No - well, yeah - just listen!” Phil yelps. “We were like, on top of each other for a minute - Sophie stop looking at me like that - and then he got up and sat against the tree and told me we needed to wait out the rain. So I sat next to him, you know, it would have been weird not to. Maybe. Oh god did I make it weird?”

 

“Phil, don’t be an idiot.” PJ pipes up for the first time since Phil started speaking.

 

Phil grits his teeth and continues. “Anyway, I sat next to him and then we were just sitting for a while and I guess he fell asleep because his head ended up on my shoulder -”

 

“Before or after he fell asleep?” Sophie interjects.

 

“I actually have no idea, Soph. I just know that once his head was there I wasn’t moving, so I didn’t. Then I guess I fell asleep too.”

 

“No fucking way,” she breathes. “Then what?”

 

“Then I woke up and took a photo of him.”

 

Sophie frowns. “Why?”

 

Phil pauses. How does he say this without sounding creepy?

 

“Iwantedtoseewhathelookedlikewhilehewasasleep,” he mumbles, rushing through his sentence.

 

“Phil. You wanted to see what he looked like while he was sleeping?” she raises an eyebrow at him, but her tone isn’t accusatory.

 

Phil lowers his eyes. “I guess.”

 

“How’d that go?” PJ asks.

 

“It woke him up.” Phil tells them, scrunching his nose up to the memory.

 

“Oh god Phil.”

 

“I know. I wanted to die right there and then but he looked at the picture and he said it was cute .” Phil breathes deeply. “Then he asked me to send it to him.”

 

Sophie and PJ look at each other knowingly.

 

“What?” Phil asks. “Guys.”

 

“Okay, so to recap,” PJ starts. Phil inwardly groans, but listens anyway. “He came to your job at nearly midnight because he couldn’t sleep, then took you to a park when it started raining instead of calling a cab, and you fell asleep under a tree together with his head on your shoulder, and then you took a cute picture of the two of you and he thought it was cute instead of incredibly fucking creepy, and I assume gave you his number. Anything else?”

 

“He walked me home.”

 

“There you have it. What do you think is happening here, Phil?” PJ asks him. Phil feels like all of a sudden the spotlight is on him, and he doesn’t have an answer.

 

“I don’t know,” he answers quietly.

 

“Seems pretty obvious to me, mate.”

 

Phil shakes his head. “I mean, I don’t know. What if he’s just like that. Lonely in a new town and needs a friend?”

 

PJ and Sophie smile at him. “There’s always a possibility that that’s the case, but I’m pretty certain it’s not.”

 

“How will I know, though?”

 

Sophie places her hand on his shoulder gently. “Get to know him. Did he message you back after you sent the photo?”

 

Phil looks at the pair guiltily. “I haven’t sent it yet.”

 

Sophie rolls her eyes at him. “God, Phil! Hurry up then.” She pauses. “While you’re at it, can I see the photo?”

 

Phil laughs. “Go on then.”

 

He opens up his camera roll and hands the phone to Sophie. She and PJ coo over the photo for a while, before Phil snatches his phone back.

 

“Dan was right. It is pretty cute. You guys look good together.”

“Shut up, Peej.” he shoots back, but he doesn’t mean it. He can’t hide the smile that’s growing on his face.

 

“Text him. I wanna time how long he takes to respond.”

 

Phil nods and finds Dan’s contact details in his phone. He’s saved himself as Dan Howell.

 

Howell.

 

Phil: [sent a photo]

 

Phil turns back to Sophie and PJ, placing his phone back in his pocket.

 

“See? All done.”

 

Before either of them can respond, Phil’s pocket dings.

 

The three look at each other.

 

Phil retrieves his phone from his pocket.

 

Dan: was starting to think i’d never hear from you

 

Phil isn’t even trying to hide his smile anymore.

 

Phil: couldn’t forget you that quickly. i think there’s still dirt in my hair

 

Dan: sucks for you i’m all cosy now

 

Phil is about to think of a witty response when his phone dings again. 

 

Dan: [sent a photo]

 

The phone instantly falls from Phil’s hands and lands on the ground.

 

“Phil?” Sophie asks him, clearly concerned. 

 

“I can’t,” he tells her.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Photo.” is the only word that Phil can muster. Sophie picks up his phone off the ground and looks at the photo Dan sent. She whistles and shows the phone to PJ.

 

“He does look pretty cosy.”

 

She turns the phone towards Phil, who can now study the phone from a safe distance. Dan is sitting by the fireplace, fluffy blanket wrapped around his body. A book sits in his lap and a mug of coffee, or perhaps tea, is placed on the coffee table next to him. 

 

Phil has never felt such an urge to be somewhere in his life.

 

“What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?” Phil whispers.

 

Sophie purses her lips, seemingly deep in thought. “Maybe something that suggests that you want to be cosy too. Not too insinuating but enough to put the idea in his head, you know?”

 

Phil grins at her. “Once again, Soph, you’ve proven your genius.” He turns to PJ. “Got a bit of catching up to do there with the ideas, mate.”

 

PJ throws his hands up in defense. “Hey, I made you pancakes!”

 

“Yeah, alright. You get a pass.” He pokes his tongue out at his friend. “Okay, how does this sound?”

 

He holds up his phone.

 

Phil: damn. wish i was that comfy right now

 

Sophie laughs. “I think it works? PJ, what do you think?”

 

PJ offers a thumbs up, his mouth full of pancakes.

 

Before he could think twice, Phil sent the message.

 

***

 

By the time Phil was leaving PJ and Sophie’s place, Phil is wracked with anxiety. Dan hadn’t responded, and Phil wonders if he’d taken it too far. The text message could be read as innocent, but what if Dan hadn’t taken it that way? What if he though Phil was being too forward?

 

It wasn’t until he was halfway home that his phone dinged. He fumbles to take it out of his pocket, nearly dropping it in the process. It would have been the fourth phone he’d broken that year. 

 

Dan: you could be

 

Phil screenshots the message instantly and sends it to his groupchat with Sophie and PJ. They know how anxious he was about the message. Predictably, his messages were immediately spammed with keyboard smashes from Sophie, and words of encouragement from PJ. He smiles down at his screen, grateful for his friends. He may not have a lot of them, but the ones he did have made up for it.

 

Phil: guess i have to find a blanket like that

 

Dan: just borrow mine

 

Phil’s heart jumps in his chest, but he doesn’t have a chance to respond to the message before Dan sends another one.

 

Dan: need a break from writing

 

Dan: got dinner plans? need to use up ingredients

 

Phil: it’s not even lunchtime lol

 

By this point, Phil has arrived at his flat, and is waiting anxiously to receive a response from Dan.

 

Dan: early dinner? :p

 

Phil smiles down at his phone. He’s been doing that a lot lately.

 

Phil: sure why not

 

He hopes his message sounds casual enough. He can barely sit still, that’s how excited he is. His stomach is churning and a burst of confidence spurs him to send another message.

 

Phil: can’t get enough of me, huh? :p

 

He copies Dan’s emoji in an attempt to make it look less serious than it feels, and throws his phone across the room upon hitting the send button. 

 

He slides down the wall and buries his head in his hands. He’s never felt so anxious.

 

Phil knows that he has to pick up his phone at some point, so he eventually takes a deep breath and pushes himself off of the floor, willing himself to walk across the lounge and retrieve his phone from the sofa. 

 

He looks at his screen.

 

Dan: don’t think that’s possible

 

Phil’s eyes widen. Holy shit.

Notes:

hi again! i know this chapter has come out very quickly after the last one but i'm trying to pump them out before work and uni picks back up again (also i'm just having a great time writing it). i love all of you and i'm so glad people are reading and enjoying!

feel free to follow me on twitter @chelsisdoomed for updates <3

Chapter 6: Chapter Six

Phil’s stomach has been tying itself in knots for hours. The pair had organised to meet at three pm at the place Dan is staying. Phil has no idea what to expect from it, but he’s completely unsure if he’s ready for this. Dan seems very keen to spend time with him, which sends Phil’s heart into a flutter whenever he thinks about it. The trouble comes when Phil stops to consider what his future might look like with Dan. 

 

His life is peaceful. He’s very happy with his little bar and his two friends, and he’s not really sure if he wants someone to come in and completely change his routine. To Phil, Dan is a breath of fresh air. Despite all of his anxieties, Phil feels comfortable around Dan. He has presented as a kind, respectful, thoughtful, funny, beautiful person. Phil’s biggest concern is that Dan is not going to turn out to be all of the wonderful things that Phil can see now.

 

Jack presented well in the beginning of their relationship. He was good to Phil, and Phil enjoyed spending time with him. It was only after they had been together for upwards of a year that Jack began to develop traits that hurt Phil constantly. He doesn’t want to feel like that again. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, let alone anyone else, but he’s scared. 

 

At the same time, he still doesn’t know for sure that Dan is interested in him like that. Despite Phil’s fears, he understands that he enjoys spending time with Dan. He feels at home with him, conversation comes easily, and he finds himself craving time with him, despite only having known him for a few days. 

 

Phil decides to go through with seeing Dan tonight, despite his concerns. The more he thinks about it, the more he ends up convincing himself that Dan doesn’t like him like that, and that he’s just looking for a friend for that time that he’s here. Phil doesn’t even know if he’s gay. Besides, at some point, he’ll have to move home. If Phil goes to spend time with him purposefully as friends, what’s the worst that could happen?

 

He can’t keep thinking about it or he’s going to spiral, and nobody wants to deal with that, least of all Phil. He’s going to show up to Dan’s like normal, have a regular dinner with his new friend, talk about his writing, Phil’s job, all the things that friends talk about.

 

  It’ll be easy , Phil tells himself.

 

To distract himself, Phil tries to find a good outfit to wear. Something that highlights his personality, is comfortable, and warm. He knows that Dan’s place has a wood fire, so thinks that he might wear a t-shirt with a sweater over the top, paired with regular black jeans and sneakers. It feels casual enough, but also nice enough without looking like he’s trying too hard.

 

Once he is showered and dressed, Phil tries to stall the final hour by playing some Crash Bandicoot. It doesn’t work, he keeps dying and getting frustrated. Eventually, he turns off the game and resorts to sitting on his phone, scrolling through instagram. 

 

His overthinking and consequent losses on the game have put him in a far worse mood than he was in when he left Dan that morning. There is a heavy cloud above his him that is weighing on his shoulders, and he is starting to regret agreeing to have dinner. He doesn’t like not knowing how things are going to go, and this evening will be exactly that. 

 

Phil leaves his house and steels himself for the cold walk to the bus stop. As he begins to walk, he feels a light dusting of rain from above. He grumpily shoves his hands in his pockets and continues walking, hoping that it won’t get worse. His mind has been racing with so many things that bringing an umbrella with him didn’t even occur to him.

 

It also didn’t occur to him that he should probably bring something to Dan’s house, in order to be polite. He curses inwardly. Should he bring wine? Chocolate? Phil can’t have chocolate, but Dan might like it. Wine is probably the better option. 

 

Phil maps out his new route in his head, knowing that he’ll be late to Dan’s house. He left the house too late, and now he has to make a stop on the way as well. Phil takes a deep breath and keeps walking, doing his very best to settle his nerves as well as his mind.

 

He’s overly frustrated by the time he reaches the bottle shop. He’s overtly aware of the fact that his thoughts are becoming irrational, and they’re tainting his opinion of Dan - which is the last thing he wants. Dan has done nothing wrong and yet Phil has made him a victim of his thoughts. 

 

It’s unfair . Phil thinks to himself. He hasn’t done anything terrible in his life, but he feels as though he’s been cursed to live a life where he can never easily get what he wants. He knows that he wants Dan, but Phil can’t bring himself to acknowledge it properly. He just keeps going back to the idea of friendship, and pushes Dan’s soft brown eyes out of his mind.

 

Phil tends to like sweeter drinks, and naturally gravitates towards the Rieslings. He’s never been a fan of red wine, and hopes that Dan will still enjoy a white. He momentarily considers a prosecco, which is his favourite, but stops himself. Too fancy. He’s going for a vibe that is casual and cool and friendly. Definitely friendly.

 

Once he finally reaches Dan’s door, Phil’s stomach may as well be a boy scout with how it’s twisted itself into so many knots. He slowly raises his hand and knocks twice on the door. He’s already tired. He’s been thinking so much all day, and yet there’s only been one consistent thought: don’t be weird. He feels like he might be about to fuck that up.

 

“Phil!” The door swings open and in front of him, in all his glory and wonderfully tight jeans, is Dan Howell. His smile is bright, and Phil feels his anxiety melt away almost instantly. For some reason, that worries him. Phil looks at him with a small smile, and notices a flicker of confusion on Dan’s face that is covered by his mesmerising grin. Phil shakes it off. 

 

“Hey, Dan.” Phil greets him and holds up the bottle of wine, biting the skin on the inside of his bottom lip.

 

“Oh my god, thank you!” Dan exclaims, taking the bottle. “You didn’t have to do that.”

 

“I wanted to,” Phil offered with a shrug.

 

“Well, come in, then!” Dan’s warmth is infectious, and Phil can feel his own insides warming. He takes a deep breath, reminding himself of his friendship plan, and steps across the threshold into Dan’s house.

 

***

 

The place Dan is staying in is beautiful. It’s a little cottage on the outskirts of the town with strong farmhouse energy. Phil feels weightless as he walks down the hall after Dan, taking in the decorations and how homey the place feels. It’s small but full of charm, and Phil can’t help but breathe a sigh of amazement. 

 

“This place is lovely, Dan,” Phil tells him, still taking in his surroundings.

 

Dan is decidedly not. He is looking directly at Phil with a small smile on his face. “I’m glad you like it.”

 

Phil turns to look at him, meeting his eyes. They are so warm, and a flood of energy cascades through his body. Fuck .

 

They hold eye contact for longer than Phil would like, so he looks away. He misses it immediately. 

 

“So,” Phil starts. “You’re staying here?”

 

Dan regards him with an amused look. “I am. I’ve been here for a couple weeks now.”

 

A couple weeks? Phil feels silly for thinking that he may have been here for longer than Phil’s known him. Of course he didn’t just happen to come into the bar on the first night he was here. Still, a part of him wishes that he did.

 

“How long are you planning on being here?” Phil speaks up, realising that he’d been standing there in silence. He was making things weird already.

 

Dan laughs. “Look, it was supposed to be until I finish my book.” He pauses and shakes his head. “But I’ll be honest, the book isn’t going great and I’m starting to like it here. So who knows, to be honest.” He looks at Phil, searching his face for a response.

 

Phil just nods. He’s wringing his hands together awkwardly. He doesn’t know why he’s finding it so difficult to talk to this man when yesterday they fell under a tree together. It’s been less than 12 hours since he saw Dan last. Be normal , he urges himself.

 

“Tell me about your book!” he exclaims. He cringes to himself. His voice is somehow an octave higher than it normally is and he is fully aware that Dan is also fully aware. 

 

Dan takes it in his stride and gestures for Phil to follow him. They end up in the kitchen and Dan places the bottle of wine that Phil brought in the fridge, then pulling out a fresh bottle. 

 

Prosecco, Phil realises. 

 

“This good?” Dan asks him, flicking his eyes between Phil and the bottle. Phil was staring.

 

“It’s great,” he responds quietly. He can’t help but smile. He was silly for thinking that sparkling wine would be too much. He’s in his head for no reason. He just needs to relax, and thankfully, Dan makes it easy.

 

Dan pours him a glass and hands it to him. “Thought you might need booze for this one.”

 

“What, for your book?” Phil asks with a chuckle.

 

“You have no idea. This book’s actually gonna be the death of me.”

 

“What’s it about?” Phil is actually curious. Despite seeing each other the previous night, they hadn’t spent much time talking about each other’s lives. 

 

“Uh, I guess you could call it horror?”

 

Phil’s jaw drops. “I love horror!” 

 

Dan breathes what looks like a sigh of relief and grins. “Oh my god, really?” 

 

Phil nods enthusiastically. “So are you gonna be like the next Stephen King or whatever?” he teases.

 

Dan laughs, his cheeks turning pink. “Not quite. My books tend to have elements of… romance as well.” 

 

“Horror romance? Why have I never heard of this before. It’s right up my alley!” Phil is almost bouncing on the balls of his feet. “You have to let me read it, please.”

 

Dan laughs, his voice ringing prettily in Phil’s ears. His eyes are sparkling. “Sure, you can read something. But definitely not while I’m around. Ew.” 

 

Phil rolls his eyes playfully. “I’m going to memorise it so next time I see you I can read your words back to you.” 

 

Dan groans. “Oh god, that’s literally my worst nightmare.” 

 

A giggle spills past Phil’s lips, and he lifts his hand to cover his mouth. He’s had a couple sips of his drink by this point and as a notorious lightweight, was starting to feel a little tipsy.

 

Dan looks at him fondly. “Do you wanna sit by the fire? It’s a bit chilly in here.”

 

Phil nods, a smile on his face that’s full of glee. “I haven’t sat by a proper fire in forever.”

 

“Glad I can make that dream a reality,” Dan responds. He holds out his hand and Phil takes it automatically. He feels himself get led out of the kitchen and into the lounge and his stomach twists with a mixture of dread and excitement. 

 

Phil knows he has to be careful, especially now that he’s drinking. He gets more clingy when he’s had a couple drinks in him and he knows how hard Dan is to resist. Just friends , he reminds himself. As it turns out, that might be harder to stick to than he thinks. 

 

***

The two boys sit next to each other, facing the fire. Their shoulders brush against each other and Phil can feel his stomach doing flips. Phil tries his best to control his breathing, but even the slightest touch causes his breath to catch in his throat. He’s almost glad that he’s not facing Dan because he knows how easy it is to get lost in his gaze, and he can’t be doing that tonight. 

 

The fire is keeping him warm on the outside, but he knows that he wouldn’t have trouble keeping warm anywhere, as long as Dan is with him. As the two sit in silence, Phil’s brain is furiously wrestling with two sides of the same Dan shaped coin. Phil likes Dan. Phil wants to be around Dan. But at the same time, he’s scared. He’s scared of getting hurt, and doesn’t want to put himself in harm’s way again. He needs to know for sure that he can trust Dan before anything can happen.

 

So Phil just has to be patient.

 

Unfortunately, that’s really difficult to do when there’s a beautiful curly haired boy with warm brown eyes sitting right next to him.

 

Phil is lost in his thoughts when he feels Dan nudge his shoulder with his own. 

 

“What’s on your mind?” Dan asks him. His voice is genuine, and Phil feels his face begin to heat up. 

 

“Oh, nothing important.” Phil responds, trying to sound casual. There’s no way he’s explaining what he’s been thinking about. 

 

“Everything you have to say is important.” Dan tells him earnestly. Phil turns his head to look Dan in the eyes and scoffs. “I’m serious,” Dan continues. 

 

“Did you know that otters hold hands when they’re sleeping so they don’t float away from each other?” 

 

Dan sputters out a laugh. “That’s what you were thinking about?” he asks incredulously.

 

“Yeah,” Phil lies.

 

“I might just keep you around for random animal facts now.” Dan laughs. Phil laughs with him. He wants to keep me around.

 

“I got a lot more where that came from.” Phil wracks his brain to try and change the subject. “Tell me about where you came from.” Phil realises this is a good opportunity to learn about Dan. Where he came from, what he used to do, if he has friends, family - or a partner. 

 

Dan is still facing him, having turned his whole body towards Phil. Phil reciprocates, and the two are now sitting face to face, their knees resting against each other.

 

“I grew up in Berkshire, and it was kinda shit.” Dan starts. “I hated school, all the kids were dicks and basically made my school life hell.” Phil nods along in sympathy. “I spent a lot of time with my grandma, and I’m still super close with her, which is nice. I don’t really have a lot of friends back home - I technically live in London now - I mean, I have Louise, but I don’t see anyone very often. I guess I’m a bit of a recluse, you could say.” 

 

Phil’s ears perk up. Louise? Friend? Girlfriend? He desperately wants to ask, but it would probably seem odd. Instead, he takes a big sip of his wine. “How’d you become a writer then?” he asks, hoping that at some point his big question would be clarified.

 

“Oh, honestly, kinda by accident. I liked writing a lot in high school and I spent all my free time writing stories when I wasn’t playing video games. Eventually I had written enough that Louise encouraged me to post some of my writing and I guess people liked it, and it was all uphill from there.” 

 

“How many books do you have?”

 

“Just two. This one is supposed to be the third in a trilogy, but I can’t work out what to do with my fucking characters.”

 

Before he can think it through, Phil responds. “Maybe Louise could give you ideas.” What the fuck is he thinking? Dan gives him a strange look and Phil averts his eyes, his cheeks heating up with embarrassment.

 

“I mean I could, but she’s pretty busy with her new baby.” he responds.

 

Baby.  

 

Dan continues, and Phil can feel his gaze piercing into the top of his head as he looks down at his hands. “Phil, who did you think she was to me?”

 

Phil swallows thickly. He hates feeling embarrassed, even more so when it’s in front of someone like Dan. “Girlfriend,” he squeaks.

 

Dan snorts. He puts his hand on Phil’s knee. Phil jerks in surprise, but doesn’t pull away. “Look at me.” Dan tells him. Phil does so straight away. He can’t say no to him. “Phil, I don’t know how you don’t know this already, but I’m gay. Like, flaming homosexual type gay.”

 

“Oh,” Phil responds quietly. Dan’s eyes are bright and intense. His face is hard to read, but Phil gives him a once-over anyway. Actually, maybe a twice-over, just to be safe. Dan’s skin is soft and smooth, and Phil finds himself wanting to reach out and touch it. Obviously, he doesn’t do that.

 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Dan asks him, breaking Phil out of his trance. 

 

He laughs once, sharply and loudly. “Girlfriend?” He purses his lips. “What is it that you said? Flaming homosexual?” His eyes move to meet Dan’s. “That sums it up pretty well.”

 

Phil swears that Dan’s eyes glimmer with excitement. Before he knows it, a grin has found its way onto Phil’s face. “Look at us. The homosexual homies.” 

 

Dan laughs, and it’s a beautiful sound. Phil realises that he wants to keep making Dan laugh for the rest of his life. 

 

He momentarily tries to push the thought out of his mind but quickly gives up. The influence of alcohol and a pretty boy has clouded his judgement significantly, but he doesn’t seem to care.

 

***

 

The evening progresses, and Phil feels himself relaxing completely. Dan cooks him dinner while Phil sits at the breakfast bar and admires the way he moves around the kitchen with ease. They sit together in the lounge and eat Mexican food while Muse plays softly in the background. Phil’s heart feels incredibly full, and he can barely remember what he was so worried about. 

 

The pair has topped up their glasses more than once now, and Phil is definitely feeling it. He is laughing louder and longer at Dan’s jokes, offering up his own silly little comebacks that Dan seems to appreciate.

 

As the night continues, Dan and Phil seem to be drawn together, gradually moving to sit closer to each other, until they are pressed up against each other on the sofa. This feeling brings back a not so far away memory of the previous night when the two were sat up against a tree. Phil’s head feels heavy, and almost automatically he drops it onto Dan’s shoulder.

 

He is too far gone to care, and Dan’s shoulder is warm on his face. Dan’s breath hitches for a moment. Phil’s eyes are closed and he’s ready to let sleep take him, when all of a sudden he feels a gentle hand in his hair.

 

“I like the blonde,” Dan whispers. 

 

Phil looks up to meet Dan’s eyes, which are somehow softer than usual. It doesn’t take long for him to realise how close their faces are. His eyes flick down to Dan’s lips, and he snaps back to reality. 

 

He lifts his head immediately and moves away. Dan’s smile fades and Phil feels guilty straight away. He misses the warmth of Dan’s body against his own.

 

“Oh - sorry, I was, uh, getting… hot.” Phil tries to explain, finishing lamely. 

 

Dan smiles weakly. “Sure.”

 

Phil tries to fix the situation by moving closer to Dan again, but Dan stands up and walks towards the kitchen. 

 

“Another drink?” he offers, not looking back at Phil as he leaves.

 

“Um, okay!” Phil calls out in response, his voice wavering. He probably shouldn’t have another drink, but he doesn’t want to disappoint Dan further.

 

Dan returns with two glasses in hand. As soon as he hands it to Phil, he takes two big sips. He feels it in his head immediately, but the guilt doesn’t go away.

 

“Sorry,” Phil says quietly. 

 

Dan looks at him for the first time in what feels like forever, even though it’s only been less than two minutes. “What are you sorry for?”

 

Phil feels like he can see pity in Dan’s eyes.

 

“Um, just… that, I guess,” Phil responds.

Dan gives him a small smile. “Don’t be. You’re fine.”

 

“I’m just - scared.” Phil’s being too honest now. 

 

Dan turns his whole body towards him and takes Phil’s hand in his own. 

 

“Scared?” Dan prompts him to continue.

 

Phil feels his stomach twist. He shouldn’t have admitted that, but it doesn’t feel like there’s an exit route now.

 

“Like there are bees in my stomach.”

 

Dan laughs softly. “Bees, huh?” 

 

Phil nods. 

 

“I don’t want you to feel the bees. How can I help?”

 

Phil bites his lip and looks at Dan. “You already are.” He tries to smile. “The bees are my own fault.”

 

Dan scans his face for a moment. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m right here.”

 

Phil smiles at him, and he can feel his eyes prick with tears. He can’t cry in front of Dan, that would make him look more pathetic than he already does. He’s just happy that Dan seems to understand. 

 

Phil nudges Dan with his shoulder. “Thanks.”

 

Dan hands Phil his glass and thankfully changes the subject. “Board game?” He offers. Phil gratefully accepts.

 

***

 

They’ve spent the last couple hours playing Settlers of Catan, and Phil has found his way back to feeling relaxed. His head is still spinning and he’s much more giggly than usual, but he knows that he’s having a good time. Both him and Dan have been arguing playfully the whole time. He feels comfortable and safe with Dan, and he’s dreading having to leave. 

 

“So, as much as I don’t want to,” Dan starts as he wins his third game in a row. “I feel like I probably should be going to bed soon.” 

 

Phil nods sadly. “Yeah.” 

 

Dan avoids his eyes. “Um, how are you feeling in terms of drunk levels and stuff?”

“I’m at like a 7 I think,” Phil responds. He actually hasn’t made a plan to get home. He assumes he’ll just call a cab.

 

“If you want, you could, um, stay here?” Dan offers, speaking slowly and carefully. “I mean, you don’t have to, if you don’t feel comfortable, I just thought it would be easier -”

 

Phil cuts off Dan’s nervous ramble. “That would be nice.” He feels a strange burst of confidence because of Dan’s nerves. 

 

“I’ll sleep on the couch, you can take my bed.” Dan says quickly.

 

Phil frowns and looks down at the small couch the two are sitting on. It wouldn’t fit Phil if he were laying down, so it definitely wouldn’t fit Dan.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he tells Dan. “I’ll take the couch.” He doesn’t really want to, but would much rather sacrifice his own comfort over Dan’s. 

 

“Absolutely not.” Dan tells him. The two sit in silence for a moment, and Phil notices that Dan’s breathing has increased in speed. He starts speaking again. “I mean, this place has a king bed, so, um, we could technically both, um, share that. If you’re okay with that, um, obviously.”

 

Phil’s heart feels like it could beat out of his chest. A small part of him wants to say no and just go home, but the far more overwhelming part of him nods before he can even think it through. 

 

“Yeah, okay.” Phil says.

 

Dan smiles at him, and takes the last drink from his glass. He clears the table of glasses and takes them to the kitchen, leaving Phil sitting there alone. His head is swimming from the alcohol and the knowledge that he is going to be sleeping with Dan in his bed . How the fuck did he get here? Everything that he had planned before coming to Dan’s house seemingly went out the window. 

 

It’s fine, he reassures himself. They’re just sharing a bed because it’s convenient. Friends do that all the time. 

 

Dan comes back into the room. “Ready?” he asks.

 

Phil nods and stands up, following him into the bedroom. 

 

“I have spare pyjamas, and I think I have a spare toothbrush somewhere.” 

 

Phil is grateful that he won’t have to ask for anything, and gets ready for bed alongside Dan. As they stand side by side, brushing their teeth, Phil’s mind flashes forward to a vision of them doing this very same action when they’re old and grey. He finds himself smiling. He looks up at Dan, who is already looking at him. Their eyes meet in the mirror, and Phil blushes.

How did he manage to get himself in this situation? He’s asked himself that question before, but this time its filled with fondness and not fear.

 

The two climb into bed in the dark. Dan is seemingly being very careful of Phil, so they lay on either side of the bed, not touching. Phil still thinks it’s the best thing in the world.

 

“Goodnight, Phil.” Dan’s voice pipes up out of the darkness.

 

Phil can’t disguise the smile in his voice. “Night, Dan.”

 

He rolls over and tries to fall asleep, which is understandably difficult in his situation. Eventually, though, tiredness takes hold and he slips into sleep, both his heart and mind full with the knowledge that Dan is asleep beside him.

Notes:

i'm so happy that you're still enjoying my little story <3
~*~
follow me on twitter @chelsisdoomed

Chapter 7: Chapter Seven

“I can’t.”

“Phil, please. I can’t do this without you.” 

Phil runs his hand through the boy’s curly hair.

“Not this time.”

 

Phil’s mind wakes up before his body does. He tries to reach out for the dream, hold onto it for a moment longer, but it slips through his fingertips. He sighs sleepily, and goes to stretch out his arms.

 

Shit.

 

His eyes open and he surveys the scene. Phil’s legs are tangled together with Dan’s, and Dan’s arm is draped over him. Dan’s head is pressed against Phil’s shoulder, and his face is sleeping peacefully. 

 

This is the second morning in a row that they’ve woken up next to each other, and that fact makes Phil’s chest feel tight.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut, realising for the first time that his head is throbbing. He’s very glad that he doesn’t have to work today, but he also knows that it would have given him a good excuse to go home. He knows that in reality he could just tell Dan he needs to go home, but he’s very aware that he may not actually be able to go through with that.

 

He hears Dan groan next to him. A shiver runs through his body. He is far, far more nervous now without alcohol running through his veins. To be honest, he’s shitting himself. He has no idea what would be going through Dan’s brain, what he’s going to do when he wakes up, what he expects from Phil - and all of that is frankly terrifying.

 

A sleepy voice arises from the pillow next to him. “Hey.” Dan’s voice is gentle and slightly raspy. 

 

Phil turns his head to look at him properly. Dan’s hair is a curly mess on top of his head, and his eyelids are heavy with sleep. He definitely looks like he just woke up, but Phil also thinks that it's the prettiest he’s ever looked. 

 

He’s partly glad that Dan’s awake so he doesn’t have to lay in bed and overthink, but he is also acutely aware of the fact that he will most likely still be overthinking and now Dan is awake to witness it. 

 

Phil returns Dan’s greeting with a small smile that forms on his face unconsciously. “Morning.”

 

Dan’s dimple pokes out as he smiles at Phil, a bright, beautiful smile. “Bet you’re glad you didn’t sleep on the couch, huh?” 

 

Phil is definitely glad, but not for the reason Dan probably thinks. 

 

He chuckles. “Yeah, might have woken up feeling worse than I already am.”

 

Dan’s brows furrow slightly. “Not feeling well?”

 

Phil laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “Oh, uh - I’m okay, just a bit of a headache, you know.” He pauses, then gestures to himself. “Lightweight.”

 

Dan laughs again, and Phil is glad to see the smile return to his face. “Nothing some paracetamol and pancakes can’t fix.”

 

Phil’s ears perk up at that. “Pancakes?” he says meekly, pouting at Dan.

 

Dan pushes his shoulder playfully. “Yeah, but you’re helping me make them.”

 

***

 

Dan and Phil have stayed in their pyjamas, and Phil won’t be asking to change anytime soon. They smell strongly of Dan and he’s glad of it. The idea of pancakes in the morning after waking up next to the guy he has a crush on is something he could get used to, but there is still a lingering feeling of wanting to run, to get the hell out of there.

 

Which is ridiculous. Dan hasn’t been pushy, rude, or made Phil feel unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. In fact, it’s the opposite. No one has ever made Phil feel so comfortable, so un-judged, or so safe in such a short span of time, literally ever. So why was he still feeling so scared?

 

He looks up at Dan, who is stirring pancake batter while swaying along to music, with a smudge of flour across his cheek, and decides then and there that he will go with the flow, so to speak, and stop stressing about everything. After all, it was his mini-freakouts last night that almost ruined everything. Thank god Dan was so understanding.

 

Now that he’s come to that realisation, Phil feels his body settle. He moves closer to Dan, and in the spur of the moment decides to join him with his dance. Anyone who knows Phil understands that this may not be the smartest decision, but what’s the harm in a little swaying of the hips?

 

Apparently, a lot. Phil gets really into the song and tries to do a little pirouette, but loses his footing and comes crashing down into Dan. Unfortunately, this means Dan also loses his footing and the two fall to the floor. Dan is still holding the pancake mixture, which really doesn’t help the situation. 

 

Phil blinks up at Dan, who has landed on top of him. He feels a sense of deja vu, and he smiles up at him. Dan smiles back immediately. Far too quickly for Phil’s liking, Dan rolls off of him, and Phil finally realises that they’re both covered in pancake batter.

 

Before he can think twice, Phil reaches over and swipes some off of Dan’s face and licks his finger. A rush of anxiety floods through him, but he pushes it away when he sees the glee on Dan’s face. Dan copies his movement, running a finger across his collarbone to gather batter and putting it in his mouth. 

 

God that was hot .

 

Phil collapses back onro the floor in a heap of giggles. Soon enough, Dan’s laughter joins his and Phil bathes in the sound of it. His face has begun to hurt from smiling, but he’s not planning to leave this moment anytime soon.

 

“Looks like no pancakes for us,” Dan eventually speaks up, out of breath.

 

Phil starts laughing again. Dan smiles at him.

 

“I like the tongue thing that you do,” Dan tells him, his gaze trained entirely on Phil. Phil feels almost too in the spotlight, which is normally something that he would hate. In any other situation, if someone drew attention to how his tongue sticks out from between his teeth when he laughs, he would feel insecure.

 

Somehow, that isn’t the case with Dan. Phil doesn’t know why, or how, but he wants to keep laughing like that, because Dan likes it. He wants to keep his hair blond forever, because Dan likes it. Dan is just easy. And Phil likes that. 

 

“Anyway,” Dan continues. “Should we get cleaned up? I’ve got cereal we can eat after.” 

 

Phil realises that he’s blushing. He meets Dan’s gaze and nods. A pang of disappointment shoots through him when he realises that it means he’ll have to change back into his own clothes. He pushes himself up off the floor and wipes batter out of his eyebrow.

When he looks up again, Dan is gone. Phil furrows his now-batterless eyebrows, and the disappointment from before comes back. 

 

Pathetic . Phil could laugh at himself. It’s a Tuesday morning, and Phil met this guy the Friday before. That’s a grand total of five days. Now all of a sudden Dan leaves the room and Phil acts like it’s the end of the world. 

 

Before he can think too much about that, Dan returns with a towel and Phil’s clothes. 

 

“I, uh, got you a new pair of underwear as well.” He hands Phil the pile and smiles bashfully at him, not quite meeting his eyes. Phil thanks him and makes a beeline for the bathroom.

 

Phil stands in the shower and lets the water run over his body. By this point, he’s cleaned himself up, but there’s a part of him that wants to avoid going back out to see Dan.

 

He is so sick of this back and forth that his brain is going through, trying to tell him to stay away from Dan because he might get hurt, before doing a complete 180 and all of a sudden feeling like he can’t get enough of Dan. The more time Phil spends with him, the more his brain feels like the latter option.

 

He just can’t seem to shake the sensation that he’s doing something he shouldn’t be.

 

Phil grew up peacefully, with a nice family and a brother that he got along with. The first twenty-three years of his life were his best, his happiest. When Jack entered the picture, though, everything changed. Now, almost ten years later, Phil’s heart has been ripped out of his chest and stomped on. Phil has spent so long picking up the pieces and putting them back together that he can’t remember where all of them fit together.

 

He doesn’t know if he’s capable of loving someone in the same way again. 

 

Phil’s mind turns to Dan again, not that it ever really left anyway. Dan is a good person, seemingly, and Phil’s first concern is that he wants to avoid hurting him. What if Phil’s just fucked up forever now, and can’t give Dan everything he deserves? And on the other hand, what if Phil gets hurt again? He genuinely doesn’t think he could handle that.

 

But… Dan. His soft eyes, his curly hair, his dimples. The way he wraps his whole self around Phil and makes him feel so safe. The way Phil hangs on to his every word like it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear. 

 

How could someone as good as Dan do anything to hurt Phil? 

 

Phil could stay in the shower forever just going back and forth, but he remembers that Dan is probably sitting in the kitchen, covered in pancake batter, waiting for him to return. Just the thought puts a smile on his face.

 

As he steps out of the shower and towels himself off, he picks up his clothes and very quickly realises that he’s lacking his jeans. They must have fallen out of his pile while he was on his way to the bathroom. 

 

Phil considers his options for a moment. He could put all of his clothes on and leave the bathroom trouser-less, he could call Dan to bring the jeans to him, or he could wrap the towel around his waist and go out there like he hadn’t made a silly mistake.

 

For some reason, Phil chooses the third option. A feeling shoots through him - confidence, maybe, and he wraps the towel around his waist, his hair still slightly dripping.

 

A little self-conscious, he looks in the mirror to make sure that he’s not making a complete fool of himself. The towel is hanging low on his hips and his hair is messy. Phil takes a deep breath, grabs his clothes, and opens the bathroom door.

 

He takes a step out and almost immediately encounters Dan. For some reason, he’s surprised. A blush creeps up his cheeks.

 

Dan looks like he was about to say something, but he stops in his tracks. His mouth hangs slightly open as his eyes drift down over Phil’s naked torso. Phil’s eyes are trained on Dan. Colour is spreading quickly across his face, and he seems to realise that he’s been staring. His eyes snap up to Phil’s.

 

“Good shower?” Dan squeaks.

 

Phil’s confidence continues to grow the longer Dan looks at him. He is enjoying that he has the ability to make Dan feel flustered.

 

“Yeah, it was nice. Water pressure was good,” Phil responds calmly. “You getting in?” 

 

Dan laughs nervously, wringing his hands together. 

 

“Yeah, just grabbing my towel. Make yourself at home!” he exclaims, rushing into the bathroom and shutting the door.

 

Phil releases a breath that he doesn’t realise he’s been holding, and makes his way to the bedroom to get dressed. He can’t believe he just did that. He survived through that moment. He remembers how wide Dan’s eyes were, how pink his cheeks were, how high his voice was. He smiles to himself, wishing he could hold on to that memory forever.

 

Phil, now fully dressed, wanders back out to the kitchen. He can hear the water running in the bathroom, and he wonders how Dan is feeling now. Unfortunately for Phil, his initial innocent thoughts about Dan in the shower begin to travel down a darker path. He doesn’t stop those thoughts, though. Standing alone in the kitchen, he picture’s Dan’s lithe body covered in soapy water, his wet curls dripping into his eyes. 

 

Before long, Phil’s face is completely red and his jeans feel more tense than they did earlier. Finally, and slightly disappointingly, he snaps himself out of his dirty thoughts and rustles through the cupboard, trying to find a glass of water to both cool him off and distract him.

 

He hears the bathroom door open, and wanders towards the doorway, wanting to be close to Dan again. Phil rounds the corner, smile on his face. 

 

Oh my god.

 

Dan is standing in the entrance to the bathroom in the exact same level of dress that Phil was in earlier. A small smirk plays on his lips, and he doesn’t seem to be planning to take his eyes off of Phil anytime soon. 

 

Phil can’t look away either. He wants to take it all in, for as long as possible. Dan’s slightly tan skin sparkles with water, and his chest rises and falls with each breath. His collarbones are sharp. Phil wants so badly to reach out and brush his fingers across them. The towel hangs dangerously low on his hips, so much so that Phil thinks that if they stand here much longer the towel will fall to the ground. 

 

Not that he’d particularly mind, of course. 

 

Phil’s eyes finally leave Dan’s torso and make their way up to his face. His eyes are sparkling, surrounded by his thick, dark lashes. His hair is still wet, and the way it curls up and spills onto his forehead makes Phil want to run his fingers through Dan’s hair. 

 

Instead of succumbing to the urge, he runs his hands through his own hair, pushing it back off of his face. He thinks Dan might be expecting him to say something, but Phil knows that whatever would come out of his mouth is not something that he wants to be responsible for. So instead, he waits. 

 

Dan stands there for a moment longer, before biting his lip and looking away from Phil. 

“I should probably get dressed,” he says quietly. 

Phil could almost mistake him for feeling shy, but the smirk on his face says otherwise.

 

“Um, yeah. Course.” Phil manages to stammer out.

 

He doesn’t want Dan to go. But obviously, he can’t just spend the whole day in a towel, much to Phil’s disappointment.

 

Dan disappears into his bedroom, so Phil awkwardly finds a place to sit in the lounge, trying to distract himself with his phone. Unfortunately, the picture of Dan standing in front of him in nothing but a towel has taken up prime real estate at the forefront of his brain.

 

He decides he needs to update PJ and Sophie.

Phil: you guys are never gonna guess what happened

 

Sophie: phil i can see ur location did you stay at his house ????

 

PJ: phil no way

 

Phil: i did

 

Phil: and he only has one bed

 

Phil: so we shared

 

Sophie: only one bed ?? phil stop it this reads like a romance novel are you joking

 

Phil: we didn’t do anything 

 

Sophie: bet you wanted to :p 

 

PJ: no doubt about it

 

Phil: he just had a shower and he came out in his towel and it was almost like he was proud of it

 

Sophie: omg he wants you to see him like that

 

Phil: i mean to be fair i did it first so i should have seen it coming

 

PJ: you did it first ??? who are you and where is my friend phil

 

Phil: idk i was feeling confident

 

Sophie: as u should king

 

Phil: he’s getting dressed now how am i supposed to look at him now

 

Sophie: you should go check on him, see if he needs any help

 

Phil: ur funny

 

“Hey.”

 

Phil practically jumps out of his skin, dropping his phone on the floor with a loud thump.

 

He whirls around to look at Dan, who is trying, and failing, to hold back a laugh. Dan bends down and picks up Phil’s phone, glancing down at it as he hands it back. 

He snorts. Phil suddenly feels mortified. Dan’s smirk from earlier finds its way back onto his face. Phil equally loves and hates it.

 

“You should have,” Dan raises an eyebrow at him.

 

Phil tries to reply and immediately starts stuttering. “I - should, should have, - what?” he finishes lamely.

 

“Could have used the help.” 

 

Phil’s eyes widen, but Dan moves on quickly.

 

“Are you hungry? I have Crunchy Nut and Wheaties.”

 

Phil nods. His ability to speak, to think clearly, has been unceremoniously ripped away from him.

 

“Stay here, I’ll make you a bowl. Crunchy Nut?”

 

Phil nods again. Dan nods back, a silent response, and leaves the room.

 

Phil can hardly breathe. His head is spinning. He thought that waking up in Dan’s bed would be too much for him, and yet, it got worse. The conflicting emotions in him have not left, and are just getting more and more intense.

 

Every moment he spends with Dan, he likes. He craves more of it. More conversation, more time sitting in silence, more time doing things together - everything. But things are moving fast. They’re flirting with each other and sleeping in the same bed and they haven’t known each other for more than a week.

 

Phil is not ready for this level of whatever they have going on, and yet, he’s never been more ready for anything in his life.

 

***

 

The rest of Phil’s time at Dan’s house runs smoothly, and he tries to enjoy each moment for what it is. Eventually, Phil makes the excuse that he has to get everything ready for his upcoming work week and begins getting ready to leave.

 

Phil doesn’t miss the look of disappointment that flashes across Dan’s face when he tells him that he has to leave. It brings him a sense of satisfaction, that Dan wants to spend time with him. But Dan doesn’t stop him from leaving.

 

The two make it to the front door after checking that Phil remembered all of his things. Dan opens the door and gestures for Phil to go ahead of him. Phil steps out onto the porch and turns around to Dan. Before he can say anything, Dan pulls him into a hug. Phil relaxes into his touch, a smile forming easily on his face. 

 

When Dan pulls away, Phil wants to immediately pull him back in again. Instead, he settles for a smile. 

 

“Seeya Dan.” he says.

“I’ll see you soon.” Dan responds with a smile.

 

Phil nods at him before turning around and walking away.

 

As he turns the corner, his mind flashes back to the sweater that he left laying on the bedroom floor. He has half a mind to turn back, but he realises that it’s a good excuse to come back.

 

He does. He wants to come back.

Notes:

thank you to everyone that is reading !! i say this every chapter but i love all of you so much

a special thank you to rene @afestivequest for reading this and helping me and being my support system <3

follow me on twitter @chelsisdoomed !!

Chapter 8: Chapter Eight

Phil can’t get Dan out of his head. He’s spoken on the phone with PJ and Sophie and had another shower, but the picture of Dan is burned into his vision. He’s not necessarily complaining, but it’s definitely distracting.

He spends the rest of the day pacing up and down his flat, taking breaks only to eat and occasionally scroll on his phone.

Phil can’t help it, he’s an inherently anxious person. What the hell was the little moment they had back at Dan’s house? And not only the shower thing, as mind-blowing as that was. You should have. Dan is so cryptic. Phil wants him to be so straightforward, but he’d never ask for that despite it making his life easier.

He supposes that he’ll just settle for what the fuck.

By the time the evening rolls around, Phil hasn’t gotten any less restless, and the picture of Dan hasn’t gotten any less clear. Him, standing in front of Phil, glistening in just a towel. His wild curls and sparkling eyes, only looking at him. It’s enough to drive anyone mad. 

Unfortunately, Phil is in too deep now to try and tell himself that he’s not attracted to Dan. It was a nice try, for a while. There’s just something about Dan that is so alluring. Phil’s nots sure if it’s the comforting sound of his voice that Phil could sit and listen to forever, the way his eyes feel like they can read every thought in Phil’s mind - for better or worse - or if it’s the way that Phil can feel so nervous and so calm around him all at the same time. Maybe a combination. 

The impulsive part of Phil’s brain wants to run back to Dan’s front door and pull him into a kiss, just so Dan will know exactly how he feels. Obviously, that will never happen, even if he isn’t concerned about other things. Phil is far, far too deep in his own overthinking for that.

The rational part of Phil’s brain, however, is far more cautious than every other part of him. It’s the part that tells him that Dan is not perfect, despite how he seems, and Phil doesn’t know him well enough yet to dive into the deep end. The rational part of Phil’s brain is the part he hates the most. Phil is just about ready to consider shut off the part of his brain warning him that he might get hurt and live a peaceful, blissful life with not even a whisper of anxiety, when his phone rings.

Back to square one.

His stomach twists with anxiety when he looks at the caller ID. Martyn?

He doesn’t see his brother all that often anymore, which makes this call all the more strange. Ever since Martyn moved to London and began gaining recognition in the art world, he’s become more of a memory than a physical being. Phil would be lying if he said he didn’t miss him, but it was definitely unlike his brother to call him out of the blue.

Still, he answers.

“Hello?” Phil speaks into the phone uncertainly. There’s a significant part of him that has jumped to the worst-case scenario, and now he’s sure that one or both of his parents are dead.

“You don’t sound happy to hear from me.” 

Somehow, this doesn’t help Phil’s anxiety.

“Just surprised, I guess.” 

“Not very brotherly of you,” Martyn chuckles. 

Phil assumes that if someone had died, he would know by now. Or at least, his brother wouldn’t be laughing. The knot in his stomach eases up slightly.

“What’s going on?” Phil asks him, ignoring his slightly annoying statement. “You don’t call very often.”

Phil can practically feel Martyn frown through the phone.

“I don’t know, Phil. I just thought I’d do you the courtesy of telling you that I’m coming to visit you tomorrow for a couple days. That shouldn’t be too much of a burden for you, right?” His voice is laced with sarcasm. 

“Tomorrow?” Phil doesn’t quite know how to react. Martyn has never come to visit him in the seven years he’s been here. Sure, they’ve seen each other, but that was because either Phil was in London or they were both at their parent's house. 

“Yeah, what can I say? I miss my little bro.” The sarcasm has seemingly left his voice, and he sounds more sincere.

“I miss you too, M.” Phil’s voice is quiet. 

“Also, Corn and I need a bit of a holiday. She’s had a bit of a rough break recently.”

Phil feels his heart warm at the mention of Martyn’s partner. Cornelia is always a breath of fresh air, and Phil loves spending time with her. She’s one of only a few people who make Phil feel completely safe. Unfortunately, she comes as a package deal with Phil’s brother, who knows how to push his buttons in ways only a brother does. 

Phil can deal with it for a few days, though. Surely.

“I can make that work. I’ll be working, though.”

Martyn laughs. “I don’t think it’ll be too much of a hassle for us to hang out a bar. Plus, we’re keen for you to make us some cocktails. I have to keep hearing about them, I might as well try them.”

Phil laughs dryly.

“Only if you bring me some art for the bar.”

Martyn laughs, a loud laugh that comes straight from his chest. “Deal. We’ll see you tomorrow, probably lunchtime-ish.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.” Martyn hangs up without letting Phil respond.

Phil takes a deep breath and throws his phone on the couch. Having Martyn here will just add another layer of complexity to his already very complex thoughts. It’s fine. It’s just a few days. What could go wrong?

 

***

Phil wakes to find himself asleep on the sofa, phone laying on his chest. Clearly, the events of the past couple days have worn him out. His mind immediately turns to Dan. He goes to rid himself of the thought but changes his mind. Maybe he wants to think of Dan. He can prove his brain wrong.

As his brain travels down the path of Dan, he realises that this is the first night of the past three that he’s woken up not next to Dan. A small wave of disappointment flows through him. Which is stupid. It’s not entirely reasonable for Phil to be wanting to wake up next to the boy that he met a week ago, but reasonable thinking won’t be enough to stop Phil.

For someone so anxious and prone to overthinking, he really does like to fantasise.

So, as he drifts back to sleep, that’s exactly what he does.

 

***

 

Phil wakes up, still on the couch. Bad move, he thinks, feeling the tightness in his neck. As his mind fog starts to clear, he remembers the conversation he had with his brother yesterday.

Ah, fuck.

His flat is a mess, and he’s definitely not prepared for houseguests. He resigns himself to another few nights on the sofa, because he’s only got one bed. He needs to wash his sheets, shop for food, tidy, and put out a candle in the far too few amount of hours before Martyn and Cornelia arrive.

He runs his hands over his face and drags himself into the shower.

The next few hours are a blur, and Phil somehow manages to get everything done. He’s ignored the many messages from Sophie and PJ, and he feels a little bad about it. He’s still wiping the kitchen counter when the doorbell rings. 

“Don’t keep an old man waiting out here,” Martyn whinges from the other side of the door.

“Not old, just impatient,” Phil retorts fondly, swinging the door open. 

He sees Cornelia first, who throws herself at Phil in a blur of red curls. He wraps his arms around her and lets out a breath. She feels warm, and she smells fresh - like flower petals and the ocean. He squeezes her tightly and pulls back, holding her at arm’s length. 

“So good to see you, Corn.”

“Right back at you, Lester.” she grins.

Martyn has, to his credit, been waiting patiently, but he seizes the moment and grabs Phil. Caught off guard, Phil stumbles into the hug. Martyn’s scent holds familiarity, and Phil feels calm. He’s glad they’re here.

“Didn’t think you’d get away without a famous Martyn Lester hug, did you?”

Phil laughs. “I wouldn’t dare.” He takes a step back, and gestures to his flat. “Come in.”

The pair enter the house, looking around and seemingly taking it all in. As much as they can, anyway - there’s not much of it.

“You clean up pretty nice, eh?” Martyn jokes.

“I cleaned extra nice for you,” Phil responds, grinning at him.

Martyn places a hand on his chest. “For us?” he says, wiping a pretend tear from his eye. “It’s an honour.”

Phil shoves his shoulder, laughing. “Shut up.”

This feels easy. It feels right.

“Seriously, Phil, it’s a lovely little place you’ve got here.” Cornelia pipes up, her hand resting gently on Phil’s arm.

Phil smiles at her, a real, genuine smile. 

“Thanks.” He looks back at Martyn. “I bet it's nothing compared to your swanky London place, art boy.”

Martyn scoffs. “It’s London, mate. Do you know how much it costs over there?”

“But your new place - surely you’ve made enough to have something cool?” Phil asks, genuinely not sure. Martyn and Cornelia had recently moved, and Phil assumed it was because his brother was doing well for himself.

“I mean, I’m making a living! It’s nice, but definitely not fancy - for London, anyway.” Martyn winks at him. 

“I knew it,” Phil shoots back. “Living the high life over there. Only took you seven years to come visit your little brother.”

Martyn’s smile falters slightly. His voice softens. “Hey, you know that’s not my fault.” 

Phil feels his stomach twist in an all too familiar way. 

“Sorry.”

Cornelia cuts through the sudden tension, like she always does. “We’re very happy to be here, aren’t we, Martyn?”

He nods, still smiling. Phil notices that his eyes have lost some of their sparkle.

“I’ll give you a tour.” Phil tells them, desperate to move on from this conversation. 

The pair gratefully accept, so Phil shows them where to put their bags, and begins to show them around the house.

The laughably short tour comes to an end back where they started, in the lounge. They’re laughing and joking together again, and Phil has almost forgotten about the little moment they had before. However, that’s not how Phil works. He doesn’t often let go of uncomfortable moments. This one feels particularly strange. It’s odd to feel uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and Phil hates that he’s even feeling like that. 

Phil wants to ignore the awkwardness that’s gnawing away at his insides, and tries to focus on the story that Martyn is telling him about the eccentric art dealer. He’s nodding along, hoping it makes sense for the story, because he really isn’t taking in anything his brother is saying.

And he feels bad, he does. Because honestly, the awkwardness is probably all from his end. Martyn is very easy-going. Nothing really seems to affect him. Phil admires that.

“So, Phil.” Martyn directly addressing him snaps him back to reality. He seems to not have noticed Phil’s distance. “How’s the love life?”

Phil’s heart skips a beat, and he freezes. 

“Love… life?” he repeats. 

“Yeah, man. Any boyfriends on the horizon?” 

He says it so casually. Both his and Cornelia’s eyes are trained on him, and he feels like a caged animal. His throat is dry. Why is he reacting like this? It’s normal for people to ask about partners, and he’s been able to respond normally before. 

Of course, Phil knows it has a whole lot to do with the pretty boy from the bar. 

“Nope.” Phil says simply. He thinks he’ll give too much away if he says more.

Martyn looks disappointed. “Aw, man. You’re getting on though, don’t you want to settle down?”

Cornelia hits his arm.

More than anything, Phil thinks. Then almost immediately after, stop being ridiculous. How many times does he have to tell himself that he’s getting way too ahead of himself. It’s starting to creep into dangerous territory.

“Just waiting for the right guy, I guess.”

If either of the pair notice Phil’s internal anguish, they don’t let on. Cornelia, bless her, changes the subject.

For a while they talk about work, London, family - all the mundane things people talk about when they haven’t seen each other in a while. Phil is only half tuned in. 

Before long, Phil needs to start preparing for work. He leaves the two of them to their own conversation in the lounge, and moves to his bedroom. It’s nice to have some peace and quiet, even though it’s only been a couple hours.

He’s not feeling too good about the internal freak out that he had earlier over what was seemingly a simple question. He also knows that he has to mentally prepare himself for the barrage of questions that Sophie’s going to have for him. He still hasn’t replied to her texts.

Martyn and Cornelia are going to be at the bar. They’re going to be there, and they’re going to be watching him. What if Dan shows up? Phil doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to manage that situation. He knows that it’s virtually impossible for him to ignore Dan, but he doesn’t want Martyn knowing about them. Whatever them might be, Phil doesn’t want Martyn involved. 

At close to three, Phil leaves Martyn and Cornelia at the flat, both of them promising to come visit him later tonight. He smiles at them, hopefully diguising how disgustingly nervous that thought makes him. 

His walk to work feels longer than normal. Just when Phil was hopefully about to figure out his cacophony of thoughts, Martyn had to come along to make things more complicated. 

Thankfully, Sophie is there to greet him when he arrives. Her smiling face manages to help calm his nerves somewhat, and he wraps her in a big hug.

“You’ve been ignoring me,” she says, giving him a look.

“I know, sorry. My brother showed up.”

Sophie frowns. “Martyn?”

“The one and only.” Phil’s not showing a great deal of enthusiasm, and she notices.

“How… is that going?” Sophie asks him carefully.

Phil squints his eyes. “Oh, you know. Actually not all that bad.”

“Oh?” she prompts him to continue.

“Then he asked me about my love life.”

Sophie pauses. By this point, the two of them have migrated to the bar area, and are starting to set up. 

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him that there was nothing going on.”

Sophie tilts her head. “How convincingly did you say that?”

“Hopefully enough.” Phil manages a small laugh.

“Speaking of your love life,” Sophie starts. 

Phil groans, but not seriously. He’s actually kind of excited to talk about Dan to someone who cares.

“How was your just friends sleepover?”

Phil can’t help but blush.

“Yeah, you know.”

“I don’t think I do, actually!” Sophie exclaims. “All I got were some cryptic messages about sleeping in the same bed and then seeing him in a towel, on purpose? Then radio silence.”

Phil smiles bashfully at her. “I mean, those are the big plot points, I guess.”

“Come on now, spill the deets.” 

“Uh, so I got there and we talked for a bit and then we drank a bit and I probably drank a bit too much and we both found out that we’re gay, and he cooked me dinner and then wouldn’t let me leave - but not in like a creepy way, it was because of the alcohol. Neither of us were going to fit on the sofa so he suggested we share a bed and obviously I’m not going to say no to that.” 

Sophie is grinning at him. Phil can’t help but smile back.

“We went to sleep like normal, nothing happened. Then when I woke up, we were kind of cuddling, sort of, I don’t know. Whatever it was, I liked it. Then we got up and tried to make pancakes and we danced in the kitchen, but I guess I fell over or whatever, and we got batter everywhere.”

He decides to keep the licking batter part private. 

“So I assume this is where the shower part comes in.” 

“Yeah. So I go have a shower and I realise that I’ve left my trousers outside the bathroom somewhere, so in some fucked up burst of confidence, I decide to go out in just a towel. We had, a moment, maybe? He was definitely looking at me. Like, looking. Anyway, then he goes to shower and then he comes out doing the same thing. And so obviously I’m looking too, and he looks so good, Soph, you’ve got no idea.”

She raises an eyebrow at him, smirking. Phil continues.

“Then he went to get dressed, and you guys were texting me, and he snuck up on me so I dropped my phone and then when he picked it up for me he saw your texts. Then, guess what, and you’ll never believe this, he said ‘you should have’, like in reference to what you said about going into his bedroom to help him.”

Sophie’s jaw drops. “No way.”

“Yes way.” Phil’s on a roll now. “And then he made me cereal and I left and he gave me a hug that lasted so long and I left my sweater there so I have to go back, I guess. Anyway, now I can’t stop thinking about him so what the hell do I do?”

Phil is breathless, and Sophie is speechless. An inconvenient combination.

Sophie seems to regain her ability to speak. “Okay, so, Phil.”

Phil waits patiently for her to continue.

“Phil, he’s totally into you.”

Phil shakes his head vigorously. “I don’t know that for sure.”

Sophie rolls her eyes at him. “Are you kidding?”

“Nope.”

“Phil, he’s checking you out and inviting you not only into his bed, but into his room while he’s changing.”

Phil doesn’t really know what to say to that.

“Maybe he just thinks I’m cool to hang out with,” Phil squeaks.

“Come on Phil, you can’t be that daft, surely?”

“Don’t underestimate me.”

“Do you think he’ll be here tonight?” Sophie asks.

Phil doesn’t know if he wants him to be or not. 

“I’m not sure.”

“If you guys don’t figure yourselves out soon, I’m gonna die.”

Phil laughs. Sophie’s so good at saying things like that without making Phil feel pressured.

“Well, if we do, you’ll be the first to know.”

“I better be!”

Much to Phil’s disappointment, their conversation is interrupted by their first customer. 

The two of them don’t get much more time to talk, as customers trickle in slowly but steadily. As the afternoon continues into evening, the bar gets busier and Phil and Sophie are kept occupied. Thankfully, this means the hours pass quickly and Phil is too distracted by his work to get into his head about the Dan/Martyn/everything else situation. 

 

***

 

The bar doors open with a creak. Phil looks up, his usual greeting leaving his lips, when he catches sight of a tall, curly-haired boy. Dan makes eye contact with Phil and his face breaks out into a grin. He makes a beeline for the bar, and Phil can feel Sophie giving him a look. He knows that it’s one of love without even having to look back at her.

“Hey,” Phil greets him over the noise of the other patrons. 

“Hey,” Dan responds. 

“What are you doing here?” Phil asks him. It feels like a bit of a silly question, but he kind of wants to hear the answer.

“For a drink, obviously.” 

Phil feels a pang of disappointment, followed by embarrassment. What did he expect Dan to say? Oh, because I wanted to see you, you’re the love of my life, blah blah blah. That’s on him for setting his expectations too high.

Dan laughs, hopefully not at Phil. “And to see you.”

Phil’s heart rate increases. “Really?”

Dan nods, and holds up Phil’s sweater. “You left this at my place.”

“Oh.” Phil doesn’t know why that hurts. He’s here to see Phil, sure, but it’s to return an item of clothing that Phil was hoping would be a ticket back to Dan. Clearly, Dan had other ideas.

Maybe Dan doesn’t want Phil back at his house, and this is his way of saying it. Maybe he’s letting Phil down gently. 

“Thanks,” Phil says, taking the sweater out of Dan’s hands. “I’m going to put this out the back.” 

Phil turns away from Dan without another word, and leaves the bar area. His stomach is churning, and he feels stupid, for multiple reasons. He feels stupid for thinking that Dan has the same idea about them as Phil does, and he feels stupid for reacting so strongly. 

He walks back out to the bar area, avoiding eye contact with Dan. Still, he ends up back in front of Dan like there’s a magnet drawing Phil to him. He is silent for a moment, but realises that he’s being weird. 

“What can I get you to drink?” he says, almost surprising himself with how flat his voice sounds. 

“Uh…” Dan trails off, seemingly caught off guard. Phil isn’t looking at him straight on, but he can see how his face falls. The knot in Phil’s stomach tightens. 

“Surprise me?” he says meekly, kind of like he’s asking Phil for permission.

Phil nods - it’s all he can do - and turns away from Dan. He doesn’t have the energy to make him something personalised, and plus, he feels far too emotionally charged for that not to show Dan exactly how he’s feeling.

So instead, he makes Dan a mojito. 

He hands it off to Dan, who thanks him quietly. 

“You’re welcome,” Phil responds. 

Dan looks like he’s about to say something, but Phil turns away before he can. 

He busies himself with the dishwasher, pushing every thought out of his mind. His chest feels tight and his eyes feel hot. He feels stupid. Someone as cool and beautiful and put-together as Dan obviously wouldn’t feel the same way.

“Phil.”

Sophie is calling his name, but Phil can’t hear it. He’s far too deep in his own mind to be paying attention to anything going on around him. 

“Phil!” Louder now, Sophie’s voice gets through to Phil.

“What?” It comes out sharper than he intended, and he winces as Sophie frowns at him,

“Your brother.” She points towards the door, and Phil stands up to see exactly who he’s expecting. 

“Thanks, Soph.” Phil tries to smile at her, and moves to greet Martyn and Cornelia, avoiding Dan’s eyes as he does.

“Welcome!” Phil exclaims, smiling at them and hoping that they don’t notice how messy he feels.

“Wow,” Cornelia breathes, looking around. “This place is cool, Phil.”

Phil’s heart swells with pride, and a genuine smile forms on his face. He put a lot of work into the place, and worked hard to make it feel like him. The bar is lit with colourful fluorescents, with artwork littering the walls and plants scattered around. The playlist that Phil and Sophie created plays softly over the speakers. There’s even a disco ball in the centre of the ceiling. It isn’t necessarily all coherent or stylish, but it's very Phil, and he’s proud of it.

“Thanks, Corn.” 

“She’s right Phil, it’s lovely in here.”

“Laying it on thick now, mate. Trying to get free drinks?” Phil teases, and Martyn laughs, pushing Phil’s shoulder lightly.

“Speaking of drinks…” Martyn trails off. 

“Right this way.” Phil guides them to the bar, the opposite side to where Dan is sitting. 

Phil laughs and jokes with the two of them while he makes their drinks, a light floral one for Cornelia, and a warm, oaky one for Martyn. To Phil, that’s what fits their vibe the best. Thankfully, they seem to enjoy them.

Sophie joins in the conversation and the four of them talk between customers. Phil is having a good time, until Martyn says something that reties the almost constant knot that sits at the bottom of Phil’s stomach.

“Who’s that bloke over there?”

Phil frowns, and looks to where Martyn has gestured. It’s Dan. 

They make eye contact for less than a second, before Dan ducks his head.

“He’s been watching you since we’ve been here. And he looks sad. Do you know him?”

Sophie gives him a look. She seems to be doing a lot of that today. 

“Uh… yeah.” Phil hesitates. “That’s my friend Dan.”

“Okay?” Martyn sounds unsure of the situation. “Why is he being a loner all the way over there then?” 

Phil looks back at Dan again. His drink is empty, and his eyes are trained on the bar in front of him, his fingers tracing the wood grain. He looks so pretty, but so sad. Phil misses his wide smile, and the dimple that comes with it. He misses the sparkle in Dan’s eyes when he looks at him. Phil looks away.

“I don’t know.”

“Bring him over here. I want to meet your friend.” Phil’s eyes widen at Martyn’s suggestion. 

“Oh, uh, I don’t think -”

Martyn interrupts him. “Go on, or I’ll call him over myself.”

Phil practically shudders at the idea. “Okay, fine.”

Sophie squeezes his hand gently, somehow being able to read the situation perfectly, as usual. Phil steels himself for the very short walk to Dan. Each step feels like a hundred metres, and Dan feels further away than he ever has. 

“Hey, so, my brother, uh -” Phil starts to stumble through a sentence before Dan cuts him off. 

“Thanks for the drink, Phil.” 

Phil watches in silence as Dan places a ten pound note on the bar and gets up from his chair. He desperately wants to say something, to call after him as he starts to walk away, but the words get caught in his throat. 

Dan has completely left the bar before Phil manages to conjure up a weak, “Dan.”

Phil could cry. He’s standing alone, in the middle of the bar, surrounded by customers and worst of all, his brother.

He turns back to face them, keeping his emotions steady. They’re all looking at him for answers to the odd situation that played out in front of them, but all Phil can muster is a weak shrug.

Before he can say or do anything else, a tear pushes through Phil’s defences and rolls down his cheek. 

He sees all three pairs of eyes widen, and he wishes he didn’t. Phil’s chest feels tighter than ever and he knows he needs to leave. Right now. So he does.

Phil rushes out of the bar and toward the back room. He hears Sophie calling after him, but he ignores her. He needs to go.

This is exactly what Phil didn’t want to happen.

 

Notes:

as always, I love every single one of you that reads this <3

a special thank you again to rene for proofreading and encouraging me, and to meely, for being my beautiful support system.

follow me on twitter @chelsisdoomed :D