Work Text:
It took two weeks for the messages from Eddie to start becoming less regular, then another few weeks for them to go down to maybe a few a week, then four months after Eddie left, Buck realised that he hadn’t heard from Eddie in a month.
His phone was buzzing at him from his bedside table, the alarm he’d snoozed too many times still going off. Not that it had actually woken up, he’d been awake all night. Laying in his bed just staring at the ceiling of his loft.
Buck couldn’t remember the last time he’d had more than a few hours sleep, the slow realisation that Eddie had in fact left him, becoming the only thing he could focus on when he was meant to be sleeping.
“Have you heard from Eddie?”
“How’s Eddie getting on?”
“How’s Eddie doing being back in El Paso?”
“Do you know what Christopher is doing?”
Buck would brush everything off with some non-descript comment about them doing well and how they were reconnecting, but as expected Eddie was busy so they'd not being talking much, then waving off their concerned looks with an easy 'I'm fine’ and distracting them with something else. If anyone noticed it they didn’t say anything.
It hit four months of Eddie being gone before he was officially replaced at the 118. The replacement was a guy called Sebastian Miller, and he could not be more opposite from Eddie if he tried.
The guy was alright, he laughed at jokes, made meals and was easy to get along with at the firehouse. Buck tried his best to play along, trying to make it look like he wasn’t slowly spiralling into what he felt was going to be an awful break.
It wasn’t that Buck didn’t get along with him, but it felt too much like he was too easily stepping into a spot that Buck hadn’t wanted to be open.
He eventually pulled himself out of bed and turned the alarm off, going through the motions of getting ready for work before dragging himself to his jeep.
The shift was boring, calls were simple, and no one mentioned Eddie.
No one mentioned Eddie much at all, and Buck tried to play along, hoping that the stabbing in his chest that he felt whenever someone did mention Eddie wasn’t obvious.
It was almost like his name was taboo, not able to be spoken without some sort of horrible punishment raining down on them, which might be Buck if they said it too much.
“You okay Buck?”
Chims voice snapped Buck out of his train of thought, looking up from where he’d apparently staring down at his shoes.
“Uh yeah, just thinking about if I should use the gym before I leave or not.”
Chim nodded and looked mostly convinced, as he picked up his own bag.
“If you do don’t be too long, Maddie expects you no later than 6, Jee wants uncle time.”
Buck did genuinely smile at the thought of his niece, the only genuine distraction he seemed to have since Eddie left.
“Of course, I can’t wait.”
Chim smiled as he walked out of the locker room, leaving Buck to study the stain on the floor, eventually pulling himself up and out of the locker room. Driving home on auto pilot, getting back to his apartment, kicking off his shoes and ignoring the piles of take out containers on the table.
Nothing in the apartment felt the same, there wasn’t small bits of Eddie or Christopher around. He couldn’t just pull a hoodie out and wear it when he needed comfort. The pictures around the apartment as much as he had.
He threw his bag down by the side of the counter and rummaged through any of the boxes to see if there was any food left. Picking up a half empty box of Chinese and taking it to the couch.
His phone pinged and there was still a large part of him that hoped it would be Eddie or Christopher, and even with the gnawing feeling in his gut that it wouldn’t be he checked, he still deflated when it wasn’t either of them.
“Jee’s just started throwing up so rain check? Sorry Buck, she was so excited.”
The message from Maddie made Buck feel like he was deflating, other than work seeing Jee was the only real reason he left his apartment.
“Tell her I love her please; hope she gets better soon.”
Buck didn’t get off the couch that night.
6 months later Hen left the 118. Karen got a job offer that they couldn’t turn down, much better money and Hen got an easy transfer. It hurt and it didn’t matter how much they promised to keep in touch, a new job, two kids and a new house, it didn’t happen.
4 months after that Chim got a medical discharge from the fire department after breaking his elbow so badly he needed surgery, and not being able to recertify. Him and Maddie did stay in touch, but it’s different when you don’t see someone every day. Maddie keeping up as much as possible, but like Hen and Karen, Chim adjusting to a new job and two kids it was chaos.
Buck hadn’t heard from Eddie at all, and when the year mark hit he had accepted that the pinned message thread wouldn’t send him any more notifications. He still kept it pinned, just in case.
8 months after that Bobby retired and it was the day Buck lost the last string he felt was holding him. The spiral and fallout was bad.
Every bad habit he’d tried to kick came back with vengeance, using nearly all of his annual leave days to go on nearly a month long bender. Sleeping with anyone that would have him, drinking everything and adding a few more scars to his steadily growing collection of work related injuries.
Maddie reached out more than once, leaving various concerned voicemails on his phone, as well as messages with pictures of Jee about how she missed him.
She’d tried to come over twice, Buck thankful that he had never given her a key for his apartment, so it never went further than knocking at the door.
He knew he was being unfair to Maddie; it wasn’t her fault that he felt the way he did. But watching her with her happy family was more than he was able to deal with. Buck was almost sure Maddie understood, the tone of her messages became less concerned and more understanding and supportive. With the occasional message that sounded like she was at least a little bit drunk.
His first shift back was rough, both physically and mentally. A five alarm fire ending in two of the 118 in hospital and 14 civilians dead. The team went through the motions, Buck didn’t stay at the hospital like he would have done in the past. He checked they were okay then went back to the firehouse. The remaining two hours of the shift covered by two of B shift who had been called in early.
The shifts started blurring together as the weeks went on, spending every off day in a bar or in bed, either on his own or with someone he’d found on an app. He never woke up with anyone, either himself slipping out or whoever he was with leaving before he woke up.
Somehow the hole in his chest both pulling itself apart and knitting itself back together each time.
It took Maddie saying that he couldn’t look after Jee because he smelled like alcohol for Buck to do anything to pull himself up, nearly three years after Eddie had left.
Maddie drove him to therapy, made him food, drove him to work, everything short of bathing and changing him. His apartment gradually cleaned up, the take out containers became fewer, days spent in bars became non-existent, and dating apps were deleted.
Then he told Maddie everything.
“Everyone just started to leave. Eddie left, and I don’t blame him at all I would have done the same thing, but it took like three months for him to stop talking to me. Then Hen left, and again I don’t blame her, but we haven’t spoken much since. Then Chim got injured and not having him around all the time hurt, even though I still talk to you guys. Then Bobby retired and he’s been so busy sorting out everything that’s going on with him I felt like I was intruding by being there.”
Maddie was rubbing her hand on his knee, the two of them curled up on Maddie’s couch.
“It sounds so stupid, but I almost knew it was going to happen. Do you remember Red? The firefighter who ended up on his own?”
Maddie thought for a second then nodded.
“You organised a guard of honour for him when he left the hospital?”
Buck smiled at the memory before continuing.
“Well, when we were talking about it at the firehouse everyone said that we would obviously stay in touch, maybe not as much but we would. I think Eddie was the only one who said nothing would change, and now he’s the only one who fully just left. It feels like I was the only one who really felt like we were family.”
Maddie was quiet for long enough that Buck was worried he’d said too much.
“When I was with Doug and me and you didn’t talk, you were still my brother. If we hadn’t ever spoken again you would still be my brother, and I would still have loved you as much as I do now. Your 118 will always be a family, I can assure you that if you reached out to Hen and Bobby now they would be so happy to talk to you.”
Buck tried not to break slightly when Maddie didn’t say anything about Eddie, if Maddie noticed she didn’t say anything.
“I know Chim loves it when you’re around, you’re a brother to Chim, and not just because he married me. He loves you and regardless of what you think will be there for anything you need.”
Buck leant his head back to look up at the ceiling as Maddie spoke, her hand still resting on his knee.
“What about Eddie?”
Buck could have whispered it; he honesty wasn’t sure. The gently hum of Maddie’s aircon all he heard for a while.
“I know how you feel about Eddie is different to everyone else at the 118.”
Maddie didn’t give time for Buck to say anything before she carried on talking.
“I also know that you feel the exact same way now as you did the day he left.”
Buck must have looked surprised when he looked up at Maddie, who shook her head.
“I know what you look like when you’re heartbroken Buck.”
Buck tried to shrink in on himself, the constant movement of Maddie’s thumb the only thing keeping him sort of grounded.
“You are allowed to feel whatever you need to get over Eddie.”
“I don’t want to get over Eddie.”
Buck interrupted his sister, and she tried her best to look shocked at the statement.
“I’m never going to get over him Mads, every time something reminds me of him, of Christopher I feel like someone is ripping out my heart. I thought.”
Buck sighed as he ran a hand over his face, trying to avoid looking at his sister.
“I thought that it would be the three of us, which is stupid I know, Eddie isn’t even into guys. I just wanted it so badly.”
Buck felt Maddie slide closer to him on the couch, wrapping an arm around his back and squeezing.
“I think we all did.”
Maddie spoke into his shoulder and didn’t let go of the squeeze until Buck wiped his face, clearly trying to wipe away any sign of tears before Maddie noticed.
“He’s my best friend Maddie, I still think of him as my best friend and I haven’t even spoken to him in three years, how stupid is that? He’s probably in El Paso with Christopher and a woman who his parents approve of, actually getting on with his life.”
Buck heard Maddie let out a long breath before she spoke.
“I’m not going to pretend that I know what Eddie is doing, you might be right. But I know from what I saw of the two of you that you were closer friends than that and I highly doubt that he doesn’t think about you.”
The alarm on Maddie’s phone went off before Buck got a chance to reply.
“You want to come with me to pick Jee up?”
Buck did genuinely grin at that and almost leapt of the couch to get his shoes. Following Maddie out to her car with more bounce in his step than normal.
Jee was thrilled to see him, launching herself at her uncle as soon as she saw him, not letting him go as soon as they stepped back into Maddie’s house.
Buck was covered in glitter and had his nails painted various different colours when Jee finally went to sleep. Chim had come home half way through Jees dinner and was excited to see Buck. Though Buck had a small inkling that it was partially because Maddie had said something.
The three of them chatted until Chim asked if Buck was staying in the spare room or going home, and as much as he wanted to he had a shift in the morning and didn’t have any of his stuff.
“I’ll head out, thanks though.”
Chim hugged him then had hardly let go before Maddie took his place, squeezing for slightly longer than normal.
“You need anything, you shout okay?”
Buck nodded as he moved away from his sister.
“Of course.”
On the drive back to his apartment he felt lighter than he had felt since before Eddie left, probably since before Christopher left. The mood semi ruined when he got to his parking lot and found that someone had parked in his ‘spot’. Which technically wasn’t hit spot but was unofficially his.
Pulling up a few places over instead, grabbing his keys from the ignition and locking the keep behind him. He made polite conversation with one of his neighbours as they waited for the elevator, though the elderly woman had a reputation for gossip, so it was more of her telling him everything she’d heard recently before she got out at her floor.
He slept better that night then he had in a while, and he knew it when he stepped into the firehouse he next morning and multiple people asked if he’d been to a spa.
It was a 12 hour shift, and it was easy. As regular day as they could get as firefighters, Buck nearly saying yes to going out to drinks after the shift but bailing at the last minute.
“I’ve got to pick a few things up, so I’ll see how long that takes? Don’t wait for me though.”
They nodded.
“We’ll be at the usual place if you want to join, we’ll be there a while I recon.”
Buck nodded and smiled at the offer before heading to his jeep. Not entirely up for actually socialising, but he had decided to put more effort into knowing the rest of the team socially so he would join them at some point.
The same car was parked in his spot again, which made him groan at the thought it might be a new neighbour, and he’d have to either find a new spot or wait them out.
Taking a second to sit there before heading up to his apartment, not intending to take the elevator until it opened up as he was going past it. Smiling to the couple that stepped out before getting in.
His bag was swung over his shoulder and his keys were in his hand as he stepped out of the elevator, walking down the corridor and rounding the corner to his apartment.
“Hi Buck.”
Buck nearly dropped his bag as he heard his name, freezing as he saw Eddie standing outside of his apartment door. He hadn’t changed, he looked exactly the same apart from slightly more facial stubble.
It felt like someone had punched him in the gut. He couldn’t take a breath, and he could hear his heartbeat getting faster in his ears. Every emotion that he’s felt in the last 3 years came back at once, mixed with the undiluted happiness he felt at even hearing Eddies voice again.
He clearly stood there for too long without saying anything because Eddie spoke again.
“Buck, you need to breath.”
It shook him out of his head enough to take a breath and turn around, almost running back towards the stairs.
“Buck!”
He heard his name come from Eddie again as he pushed open the fire door to the stairwell, hearing Eddies come after him.
He basically launched himself into the Jeep when he got out of the building, still hearing Eddies footsteps a few floors above him.
He got on to the road before he even knew where he was going, then turning towards the bar that he knew the rest of the 118 would be at. Desperately looking in his rearview mirror to hope that Eddie wasn’t following him.
Buck parked around the back of the bar and took more than a few breaths before getting out of the jeep.
Thanking the woman that held the door open for him before heading into see the rest of the team in a booth on the other side of the bar. Ordering himself a beer before walking over to a chorus of cheers as he sat down.
“I knew you’d think we were more fun than chores, Seb here is just telling us how he used to be a professional scuba diver.”
The normality of the conversation was such a jolt to his brain that it took him a while to really join in, trying to pull away from the fact that Eddie was back.
Buck eventually trying to distract himself by getting as involved as possible, finding out that two of the others had also worked in Peru for a bit.
He found himself laughing along with them and promising to come out with them more, much to the delight of the rest of the team sat around the table.
As they all started to leave Buck stayed sat with his beer, waving to everyone as he said he’d finish this one then leave.
“It was good to see you Buck, see you tomorrow.”
Buck waved as Seb spoke, the friendly smile he gave in return as much as was needed.
Buck downed the last of his drink before standing up and saying quick bye to the staff at the bar before heading out into the car park.
Only half shocked when he found Eddie leaning against the side of the Jeep.
“You never turned find my friends off.”
Eddie must have seen the question in his eyes as he answered before he got the chance to ask. Eddie was right though, he hadn’t, it felt too much like cutting that final barrier between them.
Buck took a second more to fully centre himself before he managed to say anything.
“What are you doing here Eddie?”
It came out a lot weaker than Buck had intended it and Buck tried not to shake his head as he spoke.
“Me and Christopher moved back.”
Buck didn’t know what to say. All he had wanted for the last three years was to see Eddie and Chis again and now he had the chance, and he wanted to run away.
“I needed to see you Buck.”
Buck nearly coughed out a laugh, Eddie furrowing his eyebrows as Buck stopped coughing.
“You needed to see me? Eddie it’s been three years. You don’t think in any of that time I’ve needed to see you? Every day I woke up hoping that there would be a message from you. Nothing. Nothing for three years and now you just show up? What the hell Eddie? I’ve only started feeling even slightly normal again the last few weeks and now you decide to just drop back in? Saying you need to see me?”
It felt like Eddie got smaller as Buck spoke, trying to keep his voice as level as he could.
“Eddie you left and watching you leave nearly killed me, but I understood. Chris is the most important person in your life, hell probably my life. We promised to keep in touch and then three months later there’s nothing. I thought maybe things are getting intense with your parents so you’re too busy and you’d reply eventually.”
Eddie looked like he wanted to say something, but Buck was on a roll and trying his best to keep himself from crying right there so he didn’t give Eddie a chance.
“Then Hen, Chim and Bobby all leave the 118 and I’m there wondering if maybe they saw you leaving as a perfect out to get away from me. His best friend isn’t talking to him so why should we.”
Buck knew it was harsh, and a lie, as he spoke but he couldn’t help it.
“Everyone left. Everyone left and I was there realising I didn’t have anyone to leave too. I’d watched the only person I would leave for leaving me. And there was nothing I could do about any of it.”
Buck couldn’t stop the tear that ran down his face, regardless of how much he tried. There was too much happening in his head and it wasn’t something he could stop. Taking a deep breath before looking back at Eddie who also looked like he wanted to cry.
“God Eddie I missed you so much.”
The Adams apple in Eddies throat going up and down was as much warning as Buck got before Eddie started speaking.
“I know I’m sorry won’t cut it even slightly, but Buck I am so sorry. The longer I didn’t message you the harder it was to try. I knew it was hurting you and I think that I thought if I just stopped trying it would be easier on you. There is not a single part of me that doesn’t regret that choice.”
Buck tried to wipe the tears off his face as Eddie spoke. Watching the other man still trying to hold his in.
“Buck, so much happened and all I could think most of the time was I wish Buck was here. I know I have no right to come here and say I wish you had come with me, but I do. Everything would have been easier if you were with me Buck.”
Eddie took a step forward and tried not to look deflated when Buck took a step back.
“I never meant to make you feel like that, I should have known you would, God Buck I feel like I know you better than I know myself, I should have known me leaving would hurt you and I am so sorry.”
‘Know’
Did Eddie know him anymore, had much actually changed for Buck or was he the exact same person he had been three years ago? Did he know Eddie anymore? Before Eddie left it was almost like they were one person, they knew what each other was thinking, they knew that the other needed.
“There’s so much I want to tell you Buck, about me, about Chris, about what I’ve been doing. Buck, please let me try to make up for everything. I was an idiot to think that anything would be better if we didn’t talk. If anything, it made me realise how much I need you in my life.”
If Buck thought he’d been punched in the gut earlier it was nothing like how he felt now.
“Buck, I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please let me make it up to you. I missed you so much it hurt, please Buck. I missed you so much, and standing in front of you just makes me miss you more. Please let me try.”
Eddie took another small step forward and Buck could see the relief in his eyes when Buck didn’t step back again. The relief fading into almost desperation and hope as Buck studied him. All he really wanted to do was say yes and pull Eddie into the hug he’d been dreaming about since he left, and the more he looked at Eddie the more it was becoming an overwhelming feeling.
“I need to talk to Maddie.”
Buck saw the pure devastation rush across Eddies face, before it quickly turned to as neutral as he could manage. Eddie nodding and looking down at his shoes.
“Yeah of course, take as much time as you need to.”
Eddie didn’t move and Buck didn’t say anything as Eddie looked back up at him.
“There is something I need to tell you though, it doesn’t feel right hiding it, not from you.”
Buck didn’t move, every bad situation possible went through his head and he gave the smallest nod ever.
“I, um, I’m gay Buck.”
Bucks’ eyes must have widened as Eddie let out a tiny laugh.
“Yeah, it surprised me too. Anyway, yeah just call me when you want to, or if I guess.”
Eddie took a step to the side, avoiding Bucks eyes as he walked away from the Jeep, hands firmly in his jean pockets.
“Eddie.”
Buck had never seen Eddie spin around so fast, the look in his eyes nearly too much for Buck.
“It’ll be when.”
Buck physically saw Eddie relax and the small smile on his face made Buck smile back, Eddie not saying anything else before turning back around and walking to his car.
Buck had his phone out of his pocket calling Maddie as soon as he was in the Jeep.
“Buck, it’s late, are you okay?”
He took a breath before talking.
“Eddie’s back.”
There wasn’t anything from the other line until he heard Maddie swear.
“Okay, tell me everything.”
It took an hour to Buck to talk through everything he needed to with Maddie, the conversation transitioning from Jeep to speaker phone almost seamlessly.
“The choice is up to you Buck. If you talk to him you can either get closure or start to build up a friendship again. If you don’t then you continue to heal the way you are.”
Buck had flopped on to his bed as soon as he made it to his apartment, a small laugh coming through the phone as he ‘mphed’ into his pillow, so Maddie was now on speaker on the pillow Buck wasn’t using.
“I know I need to talk to him, and I want us back, but so much has changed. What if we can’t.”
He shuffled slightly in bed the covers rustling as he grabbed his phone to put it to his ear.
“Then you can’t, but you’ll only be able to work that out with time Buck.”
When they hung up, Buck texted Eddie.
‘Hi Eddie, I have 48 off after my shift tomorrow so can we chat then?’
Buck knew that Eddie would respond but pressing send on the message was easily the most anxious he’d felt in a long time. Eddie replied within a minute.
‘Of course, tomorrow evening? Or do you want to do the day after if your shift is rough?’
Buck felt a wave of relief, even just looking at the message.
‘Tomorrow evening works, I’ll call you when I get in?’
The bubbles popped up from Eddie instantly.
‘Works for me, let me know if your shift runs late?’
‘Or if you change your mind.’
The second message came through almost immediately after the first, and Buck froze for a second. He couldn’t think of anything that would make him change his mind.
‘Will do. Night Eddie.’
Buck locked his phone after Eddies reply came through.
‘Night Buck.’
Buck was on edge all the way through his shift, and everyone picked up on it. He tried to play it off as just too much energy, which no one believed but they didn’t question it, and didn’t blink when he almost ran out of the firehouse at the end of shift.
Buck was showered and changed within 15 minutes of being back in his apartment. Then sat at his kitchen table staring at Eddies contact on his phone, trying to work up the courage to call. Managing it nearly 10 minutes after first opening the contact.
Listening to the ringing seemed to go on forever before Eddie answered.
“One second Buck”
His voice grew quieter from the speaker as he clearly pulled the phone away from his ear.
“Chris, you can’t not do your bio homework because the teacher gives you bad vibes. If you do it first it gets it out of the way.”
Chris clearly said something, but he was too far away for Buck to hear, which hurt more than he thought it would.
“Exactly. Alright if you need anything I’m going to be in my room okay?”
Silence again as Buck assumed Chris spoke.
“Yeah I am. Of course I will, but he’d probably like to hear that from you at some point.”
The sound of a door closing came through the speaker before Eddie spoke again.
“Sorry, I’m here hi. How was your shift?”
Buck nodded before realising that Eddie couldn’t actually see him.
“Alright, nothing much happened, we spent most of the day doing chores.”
Buck stood up, the nervous energy he had was building up to a point where he had to move, so he started to pace around his apartment as Eddie spoke.
“Good, well not good if you were on latrine duty but good that it was alright.”
Buck leant against his counter for a second before trying to find a reply.
“Yeah, thankfully not me, Miller told a probie that you had to do latrine duty for a month to pass so the poor woman has been doing it for two weeks. Honestly I feel kinda bad.”
He could feel himself laughing as he spoke, Eddies sightly laugh through the phone made Buck relax, feeling a lot more at ease than he thought he would.
“I’m glad Miller wasn’t there when I started then, worst part of the job.”
Buck laughed again as Eddie spoke through his own.
“I think you’d have figured it out pretty quick, or Bobby would have told you.”
Eddie hummed down the line before letting out a longer breath, like he was building himself up to speak.
“Um, can I try and explain myself please?”
Bucks heart rate sped up, anxiety spiking again as he started pacing.
“Yeah of course.”
There was quiet from the phone for a while before Eddie started to speak, almost blabbering before stopping himself and starting again.
“When I left, I was basically entirely set on self-destruction. Father Brian had said I need to experience joy and then Brad said I shouldn’t be away from Chris for long and it was like I had two decisions in my head that both felt like they would give me joy in one way and destroy me in another.”
Buck and Eddie had spoken about father Brian a lot after Buck basically walked in on Eddie in his underwear.
“One option was going to Chris, being with my son, who gives me so much joy but walking away from you who gives me nothing but joy. Or, stay in LA with you and risk losing my son. Either way I felt like I was giving up something that I didn’t know how to live without.”
Buck wasn’t sure if he was meant to talk at any point so he stayed quiet, waiting to see if Eddie said anything else.
“When I got to El Paso, my parents tried to hide Chris from me. Telling me I wasn’t good for him and that he was better off with them. It took two weeks before I decided it was enough and didn’t leave the house until Chris came home.”
Buck remembered that the stress Eddie had over being in Texas without actually seeing his son was palpable through all their messages.
“Seeing him was easily one of the best days of my life and he spoke to me. He was happy to see me. He moved in with me after 5 months, and it only took that long because of my parents.”
Buck tried not to think that he hadn’t even been told Chris moving back.
“We, me and Chris, decided that it was better for him to stay in El Paso, he’d made a pretty solid group of friends, and I didn’t want to disrupt him any more than he already had been. He was happy, genuinely happy where he was and the only thing I want for him is to be happy.”
Buck knew the feeling; Chris was someone he would give up everything for.
“So, we stayed. The house was nice and being back with Chris was almost everything I wanted. Obviously we worked on everything, both of us were in therapy, together and on our own. It took a while for us to get back to us, then I worked out I was gay, and it seemed to bring us even closer.”
Buck was desperately trying to feel happy for Eddie, but it didn’t explain why he’d stopped talking to him.
“I think partially because I’ve not been supressing such an important part of myself. Then he asked about you. Why you hadn’t visited or we hadn’t called you, and I didn’t know what to say. How do you say, ‘I was so focused on fixing us that I let one of the best things in my life go because I was so anxious about messaging after so long.’”
Eddie basically sighed down the phone, and Buck could basically see him running a hand down his face.
“He was so angry at me, I’d promised him that he would always have his Buck and he felt like I’d taken that away from him. It was crushing, watching my son feel like he’d lost another parent. I felt like a failure all over again, yet I still couldn’t bring myself to message you.”
Buck was pacing around the apartment again, kicking a small bit of paper around as he went.
“He called me an idiot. Said I was stupid for taking away his Buck and for not letting myself love you. I’d spent the entire time trying to work out a way to explain why I hadn’t messaged you, but then trying to add in that I love you, but I still hadn’t managed to message you. It felt so selfish, it still does.”
Buck froze as soon as Eddie had said it, trying too hard not to change his breathing too much so that Eddie wouldn’t notice.
“He couldn’t see why me saying it to you now would be an issue, ‘because it’s Buck’. He had such a simple view on it, but I knew I’d hurt you; I needed to apologise for that first before I said anything.”
Eddie kept going like he hadn’t dropped the bombshell of the day on Bucks head. Eddie loved him.
“I started looking at houses about eight months ago. I talked to Chris about it, and he was really excited about being back in LA, being back with you. I had to try and explain that it might not be the same.”
Buck held his tongue from saying for Chris it could be anything he wanted.
“Then a house appeared, perfectly in budget, close enough to a school for Chris, and close enough to the fire house that if I ever went back it would be perfectly doable. We moved in a month ago, Chris got settled and then I tried to find you. I went to your apartment so many times, and just chickened out. Then you had a perfectly reasonable reaction, and I thought I was the most idiotic person ever thinking I even had a chance at forgiveness from you.”
Eddie sighed again, he was starting to talk faster, a clear sign he was nervous.
“I sat in my car for ages trying to work out if I should follow you or not, then Chris messaged me saying if I hadn’t spoken to you by tonight he would do it himself because he wants his Buck back. Then you said everything you said, and I realised I had hurt you so much more than I thought I had and all I wanted to do was fix it Buck. Or at least try. Chris needs his Buck. I need my Buck.”
Eddie sounded like he’s finished, and Buck was about to speak when Eddie interjected again.
“I am sorry Buck. And I know you won’t feel the same way about me as I do about you so if you’re even slightly uncomfortable with that and you don’t want to be around me you don’t have to at all, but please, please be around Chris.”
Buck stood there for what could have been forever, going through everything in his head. Eddie loved him. Chris wanted him back in his life. Eddie loved him. He’d felt too anxious about messaging because he knew he’d hurt Buck. Eddie loved him. He moved back for Chris and for him. Eddie loved him.
“Can you come over?”
Buck blurted it out before he even really thought about it.
“If Chris can be left alone?”
Buck could hear Eddie moving around on the other end of the phone. Then a knock on a door and a mumbled conversation with Chris.
“I can be there in 20 minutes.”
Buck was a nervous mess for the next twenty minutes until there was a knock on the door, almost walking directly into a chair before checking the peephole to see a clearly nervous Eddie. Buck reminded himself to breathe before opening the door.
“Hi.”
Eddie smiled as Buck let him into his apartment, slightly awkwardly standing there as Buck closed it behind him.
“Um, so we’re going to talk in a second, but I need to do this first.”
Buck almost mumbled as he turned around to Eddie, who was clearly still nervous, looking like he thought he was going to get socked across the jaw.
Buck took a breath before stepping closer to Eddie, his hand going to Eddies neck to pull him into a kiss. It took a millisecond for Eddie to respond, his hands grabbing Bucks sides like they were a life line. Buck pulled back and Eddie chased him for a millisecond before looking up at Buck, clearly trying to find something in his eyes.
“I love you too, but we need to talk.”
Eddie nodded and went to pull his hands away from Bucks waist, Bucks free hand not quite stopping it but making it clear that he didn’t want Eddie too far away.
“I need to go through all of this in therapy before I even think about starting something with you Eddie. You really hurt me and that doesn’t just go away because I love you. It was so complicated trying to work out my feelings towards you when you were gone. Nothing felt normal and I wanted to hate you for leaving but I never could. I knew you would be happy with Chris and all I want in life is to see the two of you happy.”
Eddie nodded, the smaller part of him wanting nothing more than to leave Bucks apartment in a relationship with him but the bigger and more realistic side knew that what Buck was suggesting was the better option.
“I’ll be here, whatever you decide, and whenever you decide it Buck. I just need you in my life, even if I see you just when I’m dropping Chris off with you. Whatever you decide.”
Eddie was so clearly letting everything be in Bucks hands that Buck wasn’t entirely sure what to do with himself.
“It won’t just be dropping Chris off; I’ve missed our film nights too much for that.”
Buck could see some of the tension drop of Eddies shoulders. The relief clear in his face, and Buck couldn’t stop himself from reaching out for Eddies hand. The warmth running up his arm as he intertwined their fingers.
“I have therapy the day after tomorrow. I’ll come around after that?”
Eddie was nodding before Buck finished speaking.
“I’ll be in all day so just come round; I’ll send you the address.”
Buck smiled, looking down at their still linked hand, trying to work out if there was anything a therapist could say that would genuinely make him consider not being with Eddie.
“Buck, you can say no, but can I kiss you again?”
Eddie was running his thumb along Bucks fingers as he spoke, clearly trying to find a distraction encase Buck said no.
“Yeah.”
Eddies arms were back around Bucks waist the same instant that Eddie kissed him, softer that it had been earlier, almost as if Eddie knew that it might be the last kiss he ever got from Buck. Then pulling back and pulling Eddie into one of the tightest hugs possible.
“I’ve really missed you Buck.”
Eddies voice sounded wet as he spoke, muffled into Bucks shoulder.
“I missed you too Eddie.”
Buck pulled back again, making eye contact with Eddie.
“You should probably get back to Christopher, text me when you get home?”
Eddie smiled and nodded. Buck trying to set some sort of boundary before he’d actually given himself time to think.
“Of course I will. Night Buck.”
Eddie looked at him for a second longer before heading out the door, smiling as he closed the door behind himself.
Eddie messaged him almost constantly the next day, even during the very long conversation he had with Maddie. Who knew almost instantly what Buck was going to say.
“If he hurts you again Buck I will hurt him.”
Maddie was serious and Buck knew full well she could do serious damage if she tried.
“I know and that’s why I love you.”
His conversation with his therapist the day after went over everything even remotely possible. The poor woman had been on the receiving end of many rants about Eddie Diaz in the time he had been with her, and he wasn’t entirely sure what she thought of it.
“There is clearly complicated history between the two of you. Which sometimes can make romantic relationships difficult and not always successful. However, from what I have seen of you Buck, you know your boundaries and have clearly said to Eddie that the two of you need to talk and have open channels of communication. Every good relationship builds its foundation on communication, and it seems like the two of you just need to recement a few blocks.”
Chris was at school when Buck knocked on the door of Eddies house, and as much as Buck was grateful he knew that seeing Chris would mean him and Eddie wouldn’t be able to have the conversation they needed to.
Eddie was practically buzzing when he opened the door, pointing him in the direction of the lounge while he grabbed water for both of them.
Eddie sat down as he handed the glass to Buck, then looked at him with nerves, excitement and hope in his eye.
“We need to talk to each other about everything if we’re doing this Eddie. I can’t get hurt like that again. I mean everything Eddie, any little doubt, niggle, anything or it won’t work.”
Eddie nodded.
“Everything, I promise. I want to make you happy Buck, probably more than anything else in my life right now.”
Buck relaxed slightly as Eddie smiled at him, the smile easing the nerves that were still going around his head.
“I want to do it properly. I want to date and get to know you properly again.”
Eddie shuffled closer on the couch, just close enough that his knee was pressing against Bucks thigh.
“I promise you will know everything there is to know about me, and everything else that comes along with that.”
Buck smiled down into his glass of water, trying not to look at Eddie, knowing that the look in his eyes would melt him if he looked.
“And I want to start getting to know you now.”
Buck felt Eddies knee push into his thigh, almost encouraging Buck to look up at him, which eventually he did.
“What do you want to know?”
They talked until there was a sound of a key in the door and Eddie nearly threw himself of the couch to be there if Chris needed anything when he came through the door.
“Buck?!”
As soon as the door opened the teenager was shouting through the house.
“I saw the jeep I know he’s here.”
Buck felt his heart stutter at the excitement in Chris’ voice. Then felt it nearly stop when Chris walked around the corner into the lounge. The two of them meeting in the middle of the room, Chris wrapping his arms around Buck for the first time in over three years.
“I’ve missed you so much Buck.”
Buck was aware he was crying as he pushed a kiss into the now nearly adult boy in his arms.
“You have no idea Chris, no idea.”
Buck felt a second pair of arms go around him and Eddie squeezed as he looked down at Chris, still firmly wrapped around Bucks middle.
“We love you Buck.”
Chris mumbled into his chest.
“Yeah Buck, we really do.”
Eddie pressed the words into his neck and for the first time in over three years Buck felt like the he was firmly standing on two feet.