The monster that is life - is it worth it?

by Dracobutgay

Summary:

Edward doesn't know how to keep living, what is even the point anymore? Will he be able to live like this? Without her? He doesn't think he can. Not like this. Not without her. He can't help the anger that fills him. The anger and violence. He needs to do something.

or

Rewrite of breaking dawn if Bella dies while birthing Renesmee and Edward doesn't know how to react.

Chapter 1

Bella is sick, she’s barely eating, and can’t even keep the little food she eats down. She’s slowly losing her ability to live. She can’t stand up by herself. Can’t shower, can’t even go to the toilet without help. Edward wants to help. What is Edward supposed to do, and how can he save her?

He thinks that too often during these times. It’s been a few days of her looking like a skeleton. And he can barely look at her. He can barely understand why she would go through with this, just to have some miracle baby. At least that's what she thinks it is, Edward isn’t sure it's a miracle, it seems more like it’s a killer—the first one to kill one of their family members.

“Edward…” Bella whispers as Edward runs towards her, ready to help her with anything she needs. He is there for her, forever. He would do anything, except let her kill herself for this… Baby. Why is it that she decides this, why doesn’t he have a say in her life, he loves her as much as she loves him. He hopes she will turn her head around and get Carlisle to cut out the baby. Edward is scared, he isn’t sure how it’s going to end. What will happen if she dies? What will he do? He can’t even be alone without her, he needs her.

“What is it Bells?” Edward says as he sits down gently beside her. Running his hand over her hair. It just makes his stomach churn, her hair is thin and barely there. It’s falling out. It is one of the many signs that tell him she is really not doing well. And she needs to get help now. Like right now. He would do anything to make her feel better, make her seem more alive, be more alive. He needs to do something for her. He can’t just sit here and pretend like it is all okay, pretend like she isn’t killing herself just to give birth to a blood-sucking demon. Or well a baby as she says. He doesn’t understand why she is so set on this baby. They can adopt, and they can have a child if they want it enough. There is fostering and adoption. Of course, that means that the kid will die before them. But they will do anything. He will do anything. He just needs Bella to stay alive.

“Water?” She mumbles, her voice dry and raspy, she can barely get the words out she is that exhausted. He can tell, he can tell that she used too much energy just asking that. He can tell that she isn’t going to make it. He can’t help but feel the anger rise in him as he stands up to get her a glass of water.

“Sure, bells, be right at it, just stay here and rest,” Edward says, wishing he didn’t have to hide the anger filling him up, wishing she could just get better. He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

He gets up, looking at Bella who is clearly in pain, which makes the guilt rise in him, displacing the anger. He is the reason for this, he didn’t know of course, but it is still his fault. It was he who thought it was safe to have sex while she was still a human. And in all aspects, it really wasn’t a good idea. He swallows the guilt and turns on the tap, getting some water for the girl.
He can see Bella fighting to be awake, she must be tired from sitting up all day, it requires a lot of energy for her just to use her body to sit, and even standing is too much for her alone, she needs help doing that, she also needs help sitting up.

She is so close to her last few days pregnant, and Carlisle said to Edward that she could give birth any of the upcoming days, which meant that Carlisle, Esme and Emmet went out on a hunt to feed. Carlisle needs the strength so he can do the surgery on Bella.

So right now he isn’t here. Right now he is out somewhere eating an animal and getting some blood in his system.

“Here you go, Bells,” Edward says coming back with a glass of water and a cup of some of her blood. She needs to get some food into her system, and if this is one of the only ways the baby will let Bella get nutrients, then be it.

“Thanks,” She mumbles, slumping a bit more down her seat, it is time for her to go lay down, at least according to Edward. She has been up too much today.

“Come here, let’s get you to bed. You need the rest for your body,” Edward says snaking his arms around her frail body.

Alice comes in and is silent when she grabs the cup of blood and holds Bella’s other hand, while they both slowly raise her from the couch.

None of them noticed that it was happening, only noticing after it happened. They both heard the snap of her vertebrae, her back bending inwards, the silent scream coursing through her lifeless body as she fell forward, her knees hitting the ground so hard they fractured.

Edward had no words, he had no emotions, and he was frozen, he saw Bella lying on the ground, her back broken and her body bent in a way it shouldn’t be bending.

Alice gasped, quickly, as quick as a vampire can, she hoisted Bella’s body up and ran towards the makeshift hospital room they had made. She was not dying today. Alice was determined, she could not lose this sister. She could not lose someone that was so dear to her brother.

“Edward, quick, get in here and find your venom!” She screamed, but she wasn’t good with her blood, unsure if she could stay for this while he tried to get the baby out.

Edward stood frozen, he couldn’t handle that he just saw his wife’s vertebrae breaking and folding on itself, he saw the pain in her eyes. The pain that was so spread out as that silent scream came out with the last breath of her. He just knew she wouldn’t survive this. How could she?

Rosalie quickly gets the machines on her and finds the tools she needs to cut Bella open to save her. She needs to save her. She rushes around, calling orders at Edward, who is still standing frozen, he feels like his life is crashing down around him, like he can’t move. Like he can’t even think. Only one thought going through his head; Bella is dying.
Bella is dying.

Chapter 2

“Edward, come in here now, we need to cut out the baby and give her the venom. Now!” Rosalie yells, somehow pushing him out of this frozen state, and the panic sets in. He needs to save Bella.

He rushes in, confused and in a cloudy state of mind, he can’t seem to think a coherent thought yet, still so frozen and caught in the loop of; Bella dying. He can’t stop thinking of it, that single thought won't leave his head.

“We need my venom, now!” Edward yells as he comes into the room, fighting off the urge to scream orders at them, telling them how to do things, they already know. And he knows that they know how to do these things right. He just wishes he could have control over this situation.

He finds the venom, waiting for the two girls to have cut open the stomach and gotten the baby out. The demon. He can’t even think that he is saving a baby just for his wife, his whole reason for living, to die. Why are they doing this, why are they working so hard to save the disgusting demon, while not caring about if Bella is dying or living? He needs Bella to live. He needs his life filled with her cute laugh and her awkward dancing. He needs her.

Alice is cutting into Bella’s stomach, without any morphine, which makes Bella scream out in pain, but it’s almost silent like she has no voice left. Like she has no life left in her lungs. Is she really dying?

“Alice! Let the morphine work!”

“The baby is dying!”

They keep bickering, and all the while Rosalie is cutting deeper into Bella, she hits the amniotic sack and water springs out, water and blood. That makes the two stop talking and look as Rosalie pulls out a baby and wipes its mouth. The baby cries out, making Edward feel something other than panic, he feels love. He feels the love for this kid, but it is soon filled with anger and hate. He looks towards Bella who is lying still, not a single breath going in or out, her body is as still as a rock. Not even showing that she is in pain anymore. Her silent screams are long gone.

“No!” He screams, showing the baby away and going to bite Bella. He bites and bites, making sure she gets enough venom in her. He needs her to survive this. He can’t even imagine what he would do if she didn’t. They got so far, they can get through this. He needs her to go through this.

“Go with her Rosalie, go take care of her, I will make sure Bella is okay,” Alice says to Rosalie, showing her lightly towards the door and giving her a towel for the baby.

“Edward, give her the venom, you have it somewhere, right?” Alice says, taking Edward's face in her hands, he needs to listen to her, he needs to understand that there is only so much he can do.
One of the things is giving Bella that venom, that’s their only hope right now. Their only way that Bella can survive. Human medicine cannot save this, she is too malnourished, she is too weak. She isn’t going to survive this.

He searches through the drawers, finding his venom and giving it straight to her heart. Even though he can’t hear the beeping of the machine, which means no heartbeat. He needs her to have a heartbeat. He needs her to survive this.

Deciding to do CPR he almost crushes her body, her sternum breaks and so do her ribs, as he tries to get life back into her lifeless body. He can't seem to understand that her body is crumbling underneath all this pressure he is putting on her. He is pushing too hard, and her body is too weak. Being malnourished for months to now suddenly be handled like this, her body can’t handle it. Her body is simply too weak. It isn't possible.

Alice is staring at him, she doesn’t know what to do, he seems like he is in a state of mania like he can’t understand that she died. Her heart stopped way before she got the venom, she died before they had a chance to save her.

“Edward…” She whispers, seeing him bite into Bella’s neck, arms, face, and legs, all over her. She can’t help but let a few tears slide, she was so close to Bella. She can feel the emotions radiating from Edward, the hatred and sorrow. She can feel him giving up, feel him losing grip on his life. Like he doesn’t know what to do now like he has no point. And she is right, Edward feels like he has no point of living now. He can’t deal with the fact that she died, he won’t even think about it. No. She hasn't died. Not yet. He still has time to save her, he needs to save her.

Edward needs her in his arms again, this cannot be happening. He is hysterical, showing Alice away when she tries to touch him, to calm, him down. When she tries to move his hands away from Bella’s he screams out. He can’t handle this. He needs Bella.

“I need her Alice, she can’t be dying. This isn’t real,” He sobs, letting out all his emotions, he lets down his guard and allows Alice to touch him in comfort. As Alice runs her hand up and down his back, he leans into her embrace. His feelings of hurt start to get bigger like they are drowning him. Like he can’t breathe because of them. He feels like he is suffocating because of these emotions, he just loves her so much. How could she dare do this to him?

How could she just die before him, how could she do this…

In the midst of Edward crying and being an emotional mess, Jacob comes in hurrying, he wasn’t sure what had happened as he could just feel that he needed to come to them. Which made him come as fast as he could, he was worried someone was hurt, and when he walked into the scene he couldn’t help but burst out crying. He was in love with Bella, and now, yeah now she wasn’t here anymore.

He couldn’t even look at her enough to assess the damage done to her body, from Edward while he was desperately trying to pump life into her.

“She’s… She’s dead?” Jacob mutters, he still can't fully understand that the girl he saw yesterday, was now dead. He doesn’t dare to look at her body anymore, he feels sick. So he turns his head and looks towards Alice who is still holding Edward. The man who was once so frightening was now breaking down and sobbing like a little child.

“Yes, we need to take care of the baby, did she tell you the name she wanted?” Alice says, in a somewhat bitter tone. Why was Jacob only here now, we could have needed him when she was alive.

“Uh, yeah, she said EJ for a boy and Renesmee for a girl, I’m pretty sure,” He says, clearing his throat, he feels sick talking about Bella’s kid while she was lying right there, lifeless.

“Oh, alright. Do you have any names, Edward?” Alice says, still holding the boy who was starting to get into a more numb state of mind, not sobbing as much.

“No. We only talked about those two,” he says in a small voice. He can’t believe that they are talking about his kid like this. He and Bella’s kid. But now the baby will never know their mom. Edward didn’t even get to see which sex the baby had. He doesn’t know. Bella said that she felt like it was a boy, it probably was as she is -was- the mother and could feel the baby inside.

She said how much she loved Edward so much lately, did she know she was going to die? Did she know she wouldn’t make it through the birth? He can’t even imagine what that must have been like for her.

“Okay, Carlisle is on his way, and then he can do a check-up on the baby, and we can get Bella ready for the funeral,” Alice says, not daring to move away from Edward, it seems like he still needs it.

They planned the funeral, but that was because she was supposed to be turned into a Vampire, she was supposed to live a long, long life after this. After she gave birth she would be all better, she would be able to raise their kid. Why would she just leave like this?

Edward just nods, unsure what he should do. Should he start washing the body and getting it ready? Should he go and actually look at his baby? Does he even want this baby?

Why would he want the thing that killed her? He was enthralled with the idea of having a kid, taking care of a baby and seeing it grow, but now that he has to do it alone, he isn’t sure that he wants to do that. He doesn’t want anything that would remind him of Bella. So why would he even want to take care of this kid? He knew he was supposed to feel some kind of love towards his kid, but his wife just died. She died right in front of him. She died while he was supposed to have the greatest moment of his life. Which now meant that it turned into the worst possible moment of his life. Even though he has been alive for over a hundred years, he still has not had a day as bad as this. His wife died. Right here, right now.

This wasn’t supposed to happen, he was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to feel the love and happiness. Not sadness and sorrow.

This is all his fault. If he had just waited until she was a vampire, not have been so dumb as to knock up a human. Then it would all be better, she would be alive. If he had just worn protection. If he had just done what she wanted. But he had to be selfish, he had to ask her to marry him first. Why was he so selfish?

He can feel the anger suppressing the sadness, and he lets it win, He would rather feel any other feeling than the sadness he is feeling right now. He would do anything to not feel so much sorrow.

He knew why she wanted it done fast, so there was no way she would get tempted to go have a relationship with Jacob. He wanted her, which made her worried that she might give in. Bella loved Jacob, maybe even just as much as she loved Edward. So she wanted a fast wedding and a fast transformation, so she wouldn’t go and be with Jacob. She wanted to be with him, she wanted a relationship with him. But she decided to pursue a relationship with Edward instead.

Is this his fault? Is this Jacob’s fault? For being so close to her, or for making her fall in love with him.

He took away some of the core moments of their life. He had to kiss her and have some wolf claim on her, or well so it seemed. Jacob always found a way to make his and Bella’s relationship rocky. He always found a way to mess something up. This is all his fault.

This is his fault.

Chapter 3

Her death is his fault. Edward couldn’t control his emotions or his thoughts as they kept getting worse and worse. More into the horrible thoughts of how Jacob has ruined both of their lives. More and more about how he wants to shift the pain he suffered onto Jacob. He wants him to feel as much pain as he is feeling right now. He hopes that Jacob is suffering with her death, at least just half as much as he is. He needs Jacob to be in agony. He needs Jacob to feel like it is his fault.

He lets go of Alice and turns to Jacob, his face falling as he is looking at Jacob, he looks broken, like he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. Edward doesn’t know if he should be crying with him, or if he should pound on him and make him suffer. He needs to suffer.

He decides on the latter, well not decides, but his anger takes over and he launches forward into him. Pushing him against the wall and holding the collar of his shirt tight in his fists.

“You did this!” he screams into him. While Jacob is trying his hardest not to turn into a wolf, he really does not want to hurt Edward.

“He didn’t do anything, Edward! Leave him alone. Come on, let’s get out of here,” Alice says, putting a hand on Edward’s shoulder. She doesn’t anticipate the anger that rises inside him, and he slams her hand into the wall while letting go of Jacob. He doesn’t know what to do and just stands there until the fear catches up and he runs away.

Jacob quickly goes to where Renesmee is lying in Rosalie’s lap. He doesn’t care much for the baby other than the fact that it is Bella’s child, and he needs to keep anything related to Bella safe. So he goes in and sees the child, lying in Rosalie's arms.

He sneaks up behind her, ready to snatch the child from her arms, when he looks into Renesmee’s eyes and gets captivated. He can’t stop his body from sinking to the ground, overwhelmed with emotion. He can see a whole future with her, with him protecting her. He can feel the way her heart is beating for him. He needs to keep her safe.

Rosalie hears him behind her and stands up, holding the child protectively. She cannot have anything happen to this baby, she is too precious to be barely alive. And now that Bella has died, it means that the only living thing from her, is this baby, this little baby girl.

She turns around, baby in hand, looking down at Jacob, like he did something bad, and he is just sitting there mouth agape, not sure what to do with his feelings. He can’t even utter a single word, he feels frozen in place. He can’t seem even to understand what Rosalie is saying to him, he can see her mouth move, but he is so entranced by this baby girl, that he will do anything to keep her safe. But right now that means he has to somehow get out of this haze and get going. He needs to leave.

He needs to take care of her.

“Rose, I need Renesmee, please,” Jacob urges, hoping that she can feel the fight he is ready to fight for this baby. He can’t seem to collect his thoughts.

“But, Edward?” She stammers, slightly unsure what to do, what if Jacob was only here so he could kill Renesmee? What if he was lying to the whole family during the pregnancy so he could get rid of the baby like his wolf family wanted?

“He isn’t ready to see her, we need to get out of here and take care of Renesmee, he cannot see her right now!” Jacob urges again, unsure, what if Edward comes down here and sees this, from what he felt Edward was ready to kill. And it scared him.

Rosalie looks conflicted, like she doesn’t know if she should trust him, or not, but then she hears a loud bang, almost like someone broke down a wall. She looks horrified and is quick to run around grabbing the things she needs for Renesmee; diapers, clothing, food and a pacifier. She makes such quick work of packing the bag that Jacob doesn’t even notice it much, still in the haze form before.

“Okay, go take the car and Renesmee, I have to go see what happened upstairs,” she says, quick to hand over the baby and run up the stairs.

Jacob grabs the bag and holds Renesmee before he runs down to the basement, quickly getting into the car, having to hold Renesmee in his lap while driving, which probably wasnøt the safest. But he had to deal with what he had.

He can’t help to jump when he hears another bang, almost louder than before, and glass breaking. This is scary. Renesmee starts crying, probably also startled by the loud noise, and Jacob starts the car. Ready to leave whenever Rosalie comes down again.

He waits for almost 4 minutes before he hears a scream, it sounds like someone is in agonizing pain, a scream from deep, deep in the lungs. A scream that has so much emotion in it. He knows it is Edward, he can hear the pain he feels in the scream. It is also a deeper scream than any of the girls would have.

He can’t wait any longer, he can’t risk the life of Renesmee anymore, so he buckles up and drives up the ramp to the road. Ready to get the hell out of here.

Renesmee is still crying, not really able to sit up herself either, so he holds one hand on her and the other on the steering wheel. Hoping that he can get into his territory before Edward or any of the other Cullens get home and go after him. They will probably think he is stealing Renesmee or is killing her. He can’t even think that think of killing her, she is everything to him now. She needs to be protected by any means necessary.

He speeds up down the road, ready to get somewhere safer.

 

All the while Edward is sobbing upstairs, he couldn’t believe what he did, he just felt so much rage and anger in him, he couldn’t help it. It may have been the vampire in him, the way that he was actually able to do it. He had the strength and the mind of a monster, so he was
becoming that monster.

It happened so quickly, it wasn’t supposed to happen. He just needed them to listen. He needed them to understand the pain he was in, he was in so much pain, it was agony. He had no idea how he was expected to live without her. She was everything, everything he ever needed. He can’t believe he has to live without her. It gave him so much anger, that he felt like exploding, he felt like his body was on fire.

It was too much. All too much.

So he acted, he acted on that rage, acted on behalf of his dead wife. Dead wife.

He looks over to the body lying, all bloodied up and bitten. He almost can’t stomach it, it makes him sick. She used to be so alive, she used to be smiling and have this glimmer in her eyes, but now her eyes are dead and non-moving, they’re staring into nothingness, not focused, just blank. He would never be able to see this glimmer she had in her eyes ever again, he would never be able to see the smile she had. There is so much he will never be able to see, and he is so scared that he will forget. What if he forgets how pretty her smile was? What if he forgets the soft tone of her voice? The small stutter she had when she was emotional. There were so many small things about her that he never paid much attention to. Why didn’t he pay more attention to these things?

He should have paid more attention to her, loved her more, treasured her more. He should have done so much. And what does he end up doing?

He kills his own family.

Chapter 4

“You! Don’t touch me!” He yells into Alice’s face, who is startled to see his ‘brother’ so violent. He had a period of his life where he was full of anger and killed people, but not as much as he is feeling right now. And Alice can’t even recognise him anymore. It is like when Bella died, a part of him died too, his happiness. It's almost like he lost a part of his soul. She had no idea how to reel him in again. He needed to get a wake-up call, he can’t act like this. Especially not towards his own family.

But, he can’t stop feeling like this, he can’t stop the anger that rises again when he sees the blanked-out face of Alice. She knows she’s going to die, she saw it, she just really hoped today wouldn’t be the day. However, he said those words, those exact words that she saw in her vision. She knows what will happen, and she can’t stop it. This elects fear in her, she never thought she was going to die… again. Today she will, she has no way to stop it. So she goes with it, she lets him.

“Okay, I won’t, but don’t hurt me, Edward,” She says numbly, not really caring if it will anger him more. She doesn’t even know why Edward is being so, so angry. He has this fury rising in him, she can see it, see his eyes glowing red, his fists being clenched hard, almost so hard he is hurting himself. Not that he would even care, he doesn’t care about anything anymore.

He only cared about one person, and now she is dead, she didn’t make it. This is going to be the end of his existence. He wonders if he should somehow find a way to make himself suffer more, but he disregards that idea, the anger thinking more than the logic.

How could he think logically, now? He can’t seem even to feel his feelings, he can’t figure out to what extent they reach. All he knows is that he is angry, really angry. Like his anger is making his brain shortcut, almost just blacking out.

Even when Alice was calm, it angered him so much, that his eyes turned red as he grabbed Alice and slammed her into the wall. The wall crumbled right in front of them and cracks started forming on Alice’s skin. She was in agonizing pain, but she didn’t scream. Didn’t want to show that she was in pain, or scared. She couldn’t show how much it pained her, that her brother was doing this to his family. To the people who have loved him and been around him for hundreds of years. They have taken care of each other and kept each other safe, and now. Now they’re disintegrating.

“It is all your fault, all of you. You let her do this,” he growled at Alice. She needed to feel pain. Feel so much pain that she begs for mercy. She allowed Bella to have the baby, and she didn’t help him when he wanted Bella to give the baby up. She didn’t help Edward.

Why didn’t she convince Bella not to have the baby? All she did was be a bystander, she didn’t care for Bella. Alice kept saying she was her best friend, but was she really? She didn’t do anything!

“It isn’t my fault Edward, we both know that. We all tried as much as we could, please let me go,” Alice says after Edward has her pinned to the floor between the ruble of the now-gone wall. He doesn’t care. He needs her to suffer the way he is suffering. She needs to feel the pain.

So he inflicts pain on her.

He growls, too angry for words, not even sure his brain could make a comprehensible sentence right now. He can only see red. Edward pushes her shoulders into the floor so hard he hears the pop of the bones dislocating. He didn’t know vampires still had bones that could break. Alice doesn’t scream, doesn’t cry, doesn’t even defend herself. She stays still, trying very hard not to let Edward see the pain she’s in.

He grabs one arm and starts twisting it, all the while Alice is lying completely still. She can feel her arm breaking, splintering, cracking. She has tears forming in her eyes, trying to blink them away. She does not want to show Edward that she is crying. That she is this pathetic. That she can’t handle this abuse from her brother.

He twists her arm too much, and it breaks off. Almost like a piece of glass being broken off. The pain from that makes her scream, a loud bloodcurdling scream. She can feel the pain from her arm all up to her brain. It feels like breaking a bone and tendons, but times a hundred. This is so much worse than any pain she has ever been in. The pain is excruciating. Her mind gets cloudy, almost as if her body is giving up, her brain can’t even think of a way to stop him or in some way save herself. She can only think of the pain from her, now-gone, arm. How at the top of her bicep cracks are going up to her neck. She keeps crying, which makes her barely register that Edward has sat up, almost in shock at what he did.

Edward freezes. Just now realising that he hurt Alice, that he tore her arm off. He doesn’t register the emotion of it, only that she is now missing an arm, and it is his fault. But did she feel the pain? Did she feel just a fraction of how much pain he was in? No. She didn’t. She has to suffer more and feel the pain he is feeling.

When he then sees the tears streaming down Alice’s face, he gets angry again, because she has the ability to live, she can feel, and she can cry. Bella wasn’t able to. That baby just sucked all the life out of her. She just died. She didn’t even scream or cry when she died, she smiled, and she was happy that she got a kid. But he wasn’t. He feels betrayed, she betrayed him.

Alice can cry, Alice can feel. And she needs to die for that. She needs to die just because she can feel it. She can feel how much it hurts to die, and maybe that will show her just how much pain Edward is in after losing Bella.

He grabs the edges of her jaw tightly, pushing his knees into her chest and shoulder. Hoping that she could feel the crushing weight of him. She starts screaming again, not as loud as before, but loud enough that it satisfies some weird urge he seems to have.

“Please, Edward, this isn’t you, plea-” She screams again as her skull is being ripped away from her neck, slowly. He wants to do it slowly, so she can feel it. So she can feel every second of the pain.

When he janks off the rest of her head and the silence kicks in, he stares down at his dead sister. He did this. He really did this.

Was this a breaking point? Was he going to stop being so angry and maybe not kill everyone? No. He thought that getting his anger out, showing how much pain he was in, and making the others in just as much pain, would help. But it didn't. He didn’t feel any better. He didn’t even feel an ounce of sadness for his lost sister. He feels nothing but anger.

Nothing.