Chapter Text
"Moony... snap out of it." James's tone fluctuated between stern and concerned, Remus thought he reminded him of McGonagall in that moment. It was enough for the taller boy to lean against James' shoulder, the shuddering still taking place. The pair were alone in their dorm - Sirius had left uncharacteristically early, and Peter was studying in the library.
"He just- We- and then-" Remus was stammering hopelessly. He ran the moments back through his mind; they'd happened the previous night: Sirius had accompanied him up the stairs to grab the firewhiskey he'd kept in his trunk following their last trip to Hogsmeade - why it took two people, Remus didn't know. But he hadn't questioned it. Nor had he questioned when Sirius's hand had materialised at his side, holding his waist and "supporting" him up the stairs.
What had surprised him was when Sirius had kissed him.
One minute, Remus was walking back down the stairs, the next he was being shoved against the wall and having his senses filled with all that Sirius Orion Black was. His vision was filled with a mess of black hair, and black eyeliner; all he could taste was firewhiskey and chocolate (not the best food for when you're drinking but it made the hunger fill Remus from a place that wasn't his stomach. And ,so, the kiss was deepened. When the pair of them had finally broken apart, Remus took a deep breath in and was a bit taken aback by whatever perfume Sirius smelt of. He chalked it up, in that moment, to Sirius' gender experimentation. It may well have been Lily's, but he couldn't remember smelling it on his red-haired best friend during any of their study sessions or the parties, if it was a particularly expensive brand.
In the moments it had taken Remus to compose himself, Sirius had gone back downstairs and was in the process of kissing the face off of Mary MacDonald, presumably a more convincing wearer of the perfume. It had been on Sirius because the pair had been so close. But Remus didn't care for the perfume anymore. He didn't care about anything as he turned and stumbled back up the stairs in a haze of drunkenness, vision impaired by a thick veil of tears.
"Why would he do that?" Remus sniffled.
James just held him through the whole explanation, kissing the top of Remus' head, stroking his hair and just comforting him. "I don't know why he'd do that, Moony... I really don't." That's all James could say to console his friend. Because, in truth, he had no idea what else to say. Sure, James knew Sirius liked boys - he wouldn't have had to borrow Marlene's concealer to cover up the hickeys on both of their necks during their months of exploration and platonic making out in aid of realising their respective sexualities if he didn't - but he didn't know for certain whether Sirius liked girls. And, it might have just been the power of the drink - for both kisses. But he couldn't tell Remus any of this, so he stayed silent. "James..." Remus' voice cut through James' thoughts. "Say something..."
"I- I don't know what to say. He- He kissed you... and then he kissed Mary. And... he was drunk. So maybe-"
"So maybe it meant nothing? Thanks a fucking lot, James. Really helpful." Remus snapped, pushing away.
"Remus, wait. No- I- don't go." James all but whined that last sentence, leaning across to pull Remus back towards him. "I don't think that. I just think..." James mulled his words over before continuing, "I just think you shouldn't get too worked up about the kiss with Mary. You know... the best thing to do would be to talk to him." Remus just let out an exasperated sigh and flopped back on the bed.
"Why can't he ever just say what he means, James?"
"No one ever says what they mean, Remus." It's part of being human. And, while some people can get through the minefield... others can't see the wood from the trees."
"And get blown up. Since when did you get so bloody philosophical, Jamie?"
"I've been reading."
"Oh for fucks sake... she's not going to suck you off because you can quote Aristotle!"
"I don't want that. But she might go on a date with me."
"Sure." Remus rolled his eyes.
"But back to you!" James said quickly, not wanting his own love-life troubles to get in the way of Remus and Sirius, if you could even call them an item in that sense. In the same way he and Lily were a potential, they were. Sirius just needed to be as open to Remus as he had been with James, during one of their more serious night-time talks under a silencing charm.
Remus was rambling again...
"...how can he not see how I'll take that badly?"
"Take what badly?"
"Him kissing Mary!"
Oh, they were back on this again. James just sighed. "Because he was drunk and not thinking straight, Remus."
"He was thinking straight enough to kiss a girl."
Janes laughed. "Glad to see he's not taken your humor away with your happiness, Moony." He said, flopping down next to Remus in a much similar fashion. "But... he was caught under the mistletoe so like... you know..."
"Doesn't explain why he was so into it! He could have pecked her lips and moved on. He didn't have to fucking snog her breathless with his hands all over everywhere!"
"What if there was a reason... for what he did? Go talk to him. Please."
"What?" Remus sat up. "What did you say, James?" His mind was spinning at the mere possibility that Sirius wasn't being, for once in his life, serious. How could he have been so stupid?? "You mean it was... an act?"
James clammed up. "Not saying any more, Lupin. Use that wolf nose of yours and sniff it out."
Remus just huffed and stood up. "Fine. Where did he go?"
"No idea... go fetch." James laughed, standing. "I'm going in the shower. Let me know how it goes, okay." He held out his arm, pulling Remus up; a ceremonial action if anything as Remus could easily haul himself up.
Sirius Black was a mess. He hasn't showered when he'd gotten up, so his hair was wild to no end. He was lain out on one of the loveseats in the library when, round the corner, came a shock of red hair. "Hi, Sirius." Lily leaned against the arm of the seat where his feet were. "You look rough." She said, blatantly.
"Gee, thanks Lils. Yeah... I'm not doing all that great."
"Last night?"
"Last night." Sirius confirmed. "I'm certain Remus hates me."
"I guarantee you he does not."
"How do you know for certain?"
"Because..." Lily's voice trailed off. And she dismissed Sirius' attempts to get an answer out of her. She wasn't about to betray her best friend's trust like that. He'd been through enough with this, he deserved to tell the story himself. Instead, Lily just smirked. "Because nothing, Black. You're clever enough. You can join the dots."
"Oh shut it, Evans." Sirius poked his tongue out and nudged her lower back with his shoes.
"I'm serious."
"No," Sirius smirked, "I am."
Lily audibly groaned and rolled her eyes. "Anyway... what exactly are you feeling so bad about? Kissing Mary can't have been... this... bad."
"No no, Mary's kiss was good. It's just... I kissed someone else that night."
"Oh? And how were they?"
"They were... fine, I guess."
"Just fine."
"Yeah?"
"Bollocks."
"Language, Evans." Lily flipped him off. Sirius sighed. "He was amazing. He-"
"HE?" Lily smirked. "Oh damn, Sirius. Good on you."
"Yes, he. He was brilliant. A bit taken aback and awkward but once he got into it he really..." He made a small sound and Lily giggled.
"Okay okay... I get it. He's a good kisser. And... what else?"
"I think I like him."
"But..."
"But he's a boy. And I'm a boy. I can't."
"Why?"
"Because my parents-"
"And since when has Sirius Black ever done what his parents want of him, hm?"
Sirius was about to respond with some snarky comment, but her words had some merit to them. He'd never, once, in his life, done as his parents expected. Never gotten with any of the girls they had tried to set him up with. It'd always been platonic love he'd wanted from them. They were pretty, yes, but they weren't people he wished to be romantically, or even sexually, involved with. None of them. His parents had deemed something wrong with him after he wasn't infatuated with a particularly... "gifted" girl in the looks department; he was almost sick as he remembered how his parents had gone about describing her. They kept out her horrible personality, her homophobia, the fact she had some rather choice words to say about the work of the Death Eaters, or the fact her father was a rather high ranking official. They'd tried to "beat the queerness out" of him, used spells and all sorts of punishments. But he'd just laughed in their faces, keeping that same smile when he went upstairs and saw Regulus. He only allowed himself to break down once he'd assured Regulus all was well, that he was just being difficult, that Regulus wasn't going to face to the same fate when he became of dating age. Nor had Sirius Black ever obeyed his parents in terms of music, whether that be playing or listening, or keeping up appearances. While Regulus could play the game, could play piano too, Sirius had blasted "that queer rock shit" throughout the house when guests had come over, or his father had an important meeting. Yes, he was a wind up, a rebellious teenager, but the lack of love, respect and warmth he experienced from his parents did little to dissuade him.
So why was now so different?
"I don't know..." He swung his legs from the arm of the chair, shuffled to one side, and gestured to Lily. Lily smiled, slipping down into the seat and doing some gesturing of her own, alluding to the idea that Sirius should lie his head on her chest. And so he did, for he was nothing if not obedient to those who he loved and respected and trusted and adored - and Lily Evans ticked all of those boxes. "But why did it have to be him?"
Lily ran a hand through Sirius' hair, smoothing it down softly. "Remus isn't that bad, Sirius. You could so so much worse."
Sirius' body went stiff. "H-How- How did- How did you know?"
"Oh Siri... I'm not as thick in the brain as I am in other areas. It was rather obvious." Sirius huffed a laugh and snuggled closer, pushing into Lily's bosom and wrapping his arms around her.
"So... what do I do, Miss I-Know-Everything?"
"You talk to him." Lily replied, as if it were the simplest question in the world. "Tell him how you feel and ask if he feels the same way."
"I can't tell him I lie awake all night every night thinking about him, imagining kissing him again, holding him close, resting against him like I am with you now." Sirius' mind had gone into an almost dreamlike state; Lily's laugh brought him back to the conscious present, rather than the imaginative future.
"Yes, you can. You just told me... you just need to tell him. It can't be that difficult."
"Yeah, and it's so simple for you to explain to James that you like him, just like you've done with me and Remus?" Sirius laughed.
Lily huffed. "That's difficult and different. We're not talking about James and I, we are talking about you and Remus."
Sirius smirked. "Fine. But we will be talking about you two soon enough. You're not wriggling out of this, Evans."
"You're stubborn, Black."
"Always." Sirius smiled.
Lily gently shoved him in the side. "So...?"
"So, what?" Sirius set his lips in a flat, uncompromising, line. Press any harder and he'd pout.
Lily giggled. "So... you're going to ask him out?" She took Sirius' hand in hers. "Properly. Genuinely. With sincerity."
"No."
"Yes."
"No." Sirius shook his head like a dog drying itself.
"Yes." Lily cupped his cheeks to stop him moving. "Most definitely, yes. You hear me?"
Sirius huffed and folded his arms. "Fine."
Lily squealed in glee and kissed the top of Sirius' head. "Yes! Okay. Brilliant. Go."
"What?"
"Go. Go see him. Go now."
Sirius didn't even make it out of the library before he bumped into someone rushing in the opposite direction. He didn't need to look up to see who it was.
Remus Lupin was a shambles. James had pushed him through the door but hadn't actually given him much advice. All he had was the slim possibility that the kiss between Mary and Sirius was... fake? A facade? An act?
How could that be? Surely you kiss someone because you like them? And, as much as he loved James, he sure as hell wouldn't kiss him. The same with Lily, but maybe that was slightly different as Remus wouldn't kiss ANY girls, even one as lovely and kind as Lily Evans. He'd leave that up to James. Why would you kiss someone for no reason other than to play a game, which is what Mary and Sirius must have been doing if what James had said was true. And why hadn't Sirius gotten him in on the plan? Why was it just James?
The thoughts swam in Remus' head so much that he didn't even register the mass of black hair and leather barrelling towards him until he felt them hit his chest with a thud. Sirius sprang back and looked, startled and dazed, up at Remus. "I- I'm so- s- sorry, Remus." His dark eyes were snapped away from Remus' hazel ones ad quickly as they'd met them. Instead, the Black boy studied his Doc Martins with surprising interest.
"Sirius... my eyes are up here." Remus said.
"I-I know." Sirius stammered. He was usually so confident, Remus knitted his eyebrows together in a frown, what had gotten into him?
"Are you okay, Pads?" Remus asked, placing a hand on Sirius' arm. Surprisingly, the smaller boy pulled away. "Sirius!" It was an exclamation but there was no loud volume to back it up. It was spoken softly; the action had wounded Remus.
"What?" Sirius snapped back.
"What's gotten into you?"
"Nothing. Just the fact that you're blind, stupid and so obsessed with other things that you can't tell what's good for you."
"Oh?" Remus rolled his eyes, balled his fists. "And you're so perfect are you, Black?"
"Yes, I am Lup-"
Remus didn't let him finish, speaking over him with litle regard for conversation etiquette. "You're so perfect that you can instantly tell everything about someone? So vigilant and empathetic? Yeah? Bollocks, Sirius. Absolute fucking bollocks. What's caused this drivvel anyway?"
Sirius swallowed thickly and took a step back. "N-nothing. I just..." He steadied himself, making sure his breathing was regular and his hands weren't flooding with sweat. "I love you, Remus."
Remus' mind spun. He blinked hard. And then repeated the action until he was sure he wasn't imagining things. He'd drank and ate enough, sleep was always an issue but nothing more than usual. This wasn't a hallucination. Sirius Black... loved him. Remus scoffed, trying to hide his inner turmoil. "I love you to, Sirius. Of course I do. You're one of my best mates-"
"Not like that!" Sirius shouted, earning a furious shush from a group of fourth years on the other side of the room. Thank God the librarian was pretty much deaf as a doornail.
"What is it then? Is it the same way you love Mary? Do you want to snog me silly infront of a crowded room too, hm? Is it just that kind of love, a means to and end."
"Yes." Sirius blurted out the word at the worst time.
Remus continued his sentence before his piercing stare met Sirius. "I am, am I? Well thanks a fucking million, Sirius. Fuck you too."
"No- that's not- fucking hell, Remus. Let me explain."
"Explain what exactly is going on here? Because I can't see anything meaningful coming out of your mouth in the next five minutes."
"Just... listen to me." Sirius grabbed Remus' arm and the taller boy would be lying if he said he didn't feel his heartbeat quicken as he was practically dragged out of the library.
Remus didn't have the patience for a proper private place, nor did he trust going back to their dorm or the common room. They needed their own space.
And that's how they ended up in a fucking broom cupboard.
Pressed together, breath against hair and skin, arms on each other. Sirius spoke first. "I don't like Mary."
"So why did you snog her?" Remus interjected.
Sirius sighed. "I'm getting to it." And get to it he did. Sirius was cutthroat and brutal with his story telling, staying away from his usual embellishing of the truth or grand displays of skilful oration; nor was he flamboyant with his hand gestures (partly due to the confined space they found themselves in), or particularly superfluous with his language. Sirius Black told Remus in the most indirect way possible.
"I like men."
And, once again, Remus had to check he wasn't dreaming. "What?"
Instead of repeating his words and telling him again, Sirius showed him. He took Remus' cheeks in his hands, pushed himself up on to the tips of his toes, using Remus' chest to support himself, and kissed him. It was soft, delicate, a little more than a peck but nothing compared to the fantasies Remus had concocted in his head. Sirius pulled away but was soon pulled back in for a rougher, more complete, kiss. Remus took charge and let out all the years of frustration and longing and pining against the smaller man's lips. And, only when he felt his chest tightening and his need for oxygen growing, did he pull away.
"Fuck..."
"I- Remus-
"That was-"
The pair laughed softly, both going silent as their minds were filled with nothing more than the other's lips. And they waited for the other to speak. Sirius went first. "I kissed Mary because I needed people to think I was straight. And Mary needed people to think she was straight also."
"Who is she with?"
"Emmeline... somebody-or-other."
"Very helpful. Is it Vance? Is that her name? Ravenclaw girl, year above?"
"Maybe.... anyway, details don't matter as of now. What matters is... that is why I kissed her. It's called being a 'beard' for somebody. A... fake relationship or whatever to hide the fact that people are gay."
"Like how a beard hides your chin."
"Exactly. You're so smart, Remus."
Remus blushed, but dismissed it. "Not really... I couldn't figure out that you didn't actually... like her like her."
"I don't care. You're smart to me." Sirius kissed him quickly again. "And cute when you blush." He repeated his action. "And now you know... I'm sorry, I should have told you. But then... I would have had to tell you the reason I was faking it. And I'd have come out to you and admitted I liked someone... and that would have been..."
"Awkward?"
"Maybe."
"But you told James?"
"Only because he figured it out."
"James did? Our James Potter? He figured that out?"
"No, he didn't." A voice came from outside the doors, spooking the two occupants. The doors opened and light washed the two red faces as a red haired girl smiled in on them. "You need to keep the noise down... not very secret." Lily laughed. "And no, of course James didn't figure it out. He overheard Mary say she was a lesbian and faking her interest in Sirius, and obviously, at the mention of Sirius' name, James was interested."
"He just loves and cares about me so much." Sirius mock-swooned, clutching his heart. "And I love him dearly."
"I should hope not!" Lily blushed at her outburst. She hoped, since she'd said exactly the same words as Remus, she'd been drowned out. Except... she hadn't been. Sirius turned to her, eyes wide.
"What was that, Evans?"
"Because you're with Remus." Lily cringed. "And you should love him. That display in the library was so hard to listen to. You two really did just need to kiss and make up, literally." She pointed to Remus, cheek. "You've got his eyeliner, just there, on your cheek." Remus hastily rubbed it off. "Anyway, as I was saying-"
"I disagree." Sirius said, not dropping it. "You like him, don't you?"
"Do I fuck?" Lily spat, trying desperately to hide her true feelings. "Obviously I do not."
"Ouch. You're speaking to his best mates here, Lily... watch your tone."
"Oh shut it." Lily smiled. "As I was saying-"
"Evans and Potter... oh our Prongsie will be so happy."
"Shut up, Sirius!" Lily raised her voice. "Do not interrupt me again or I swear to God I will hex you through the roof!"
"Who's God?"
"He's like... muggle Merlin, Sirius." Remus explained quietly, laughing softly. Lily continued, speaking over the pair.
"James overheard our conversation so... naturally, we had to explain it to him. And then... his loose tongue-"
"Oooh. Evans knows what his tongue is like."
"Sirius for fuck's sakes!"
"Is Fucks another Muggle deity or something?"
Lily tried to keep her composure but her laughter couldn't be contained this time. "No, Remus... it's a saying: For. Fuck's. Sakes." Lily explained through her giggles, glaring at Sirius. "For the record, I don't know what Potter's tongue is like, nor do I want to find out. And, he let it slip."
'It,' as Sirius carried on, was the sensitive information that people knew about Sirius and Mary and how their whole relationship, fling, mutual interest, was a sham. Lily knew, James knew... it wasn't a big deal, but it couldn't get any worse. And, so, they upped the ant, culminating in the drunken making out at the party the previous night. "So we were in a fake relationship because Mary is dating Emmeline and isn't ready to fully come out, and I like... love... wanted to date, and now am dating, Remus."
"We're dating?"
"Yeah." Sirius said incredulously. "I bloody hope we are."
"We are, Pads... you just... never confirmed it."
"Well forgive me for being too engrossed in snogging your pretty face off, Moony."
"Enough." Lily laughed. "Please... keep the details to yourselves, thanks." The boys laughed and, finally, got out of the cramped cupboard.
"Okay so....now one relationship issue is out of the way..." Remus snaked an arm around Lily's waist and pulled her to him. "What about our Lils then, hm?"
Lily shimmied out of Remus' grip and flipped him off as she walked away, not wishing to indulge in any more of Remus and Sirius' conversations. And, she needed help from her own relationship guru.
And, who else better to go to for male dating advice than her lesbian best friend.
"Marls! You in?" Lily shouted as she entered the dorm.
"Yeah!" Marlene poked her head out from under the covers. "And stop shouting... my head still hurts. What is it?"
"You're not going to believe this..." The unscrewing of wine bottle made Marlene audibly groan.