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First Christmas: Ice
Li Tianxi loved Christmas, she loved it a lot. It used to be her favourite holiday actually.
Back when she could still use her voice without struggle, she would sing along to her favourite Christmas songs, playing on their dingy little kitchen radio. The festive sounds made her heart feel full, Christmas melodic bells all around and, despite the cool weather, a feeling of warmth and home.
Once they realised it made her smile, her mother and brother would always join in on the singing. Although the latter did so reluctantly, but without fail he would, because he knew it made his sister incredibly happy.
But things changed. Now they sang to her.
It was her first Christmas without a voice, the first time she couldn’t hum along to the songs on the radio like she always used to. She wanted to, she really did, but her throat clenched every time she tried to form a sound, caught by something inside her that won’t let it come out.
Her mother and Li Tianchen did it for her instead now, the singing. When the melody reached her ears, she looked up from her drawings and pencils scattered on the kitchen table. They both smiled at her. She smiled back and swayed to the rhythm of the song. The music embraced her, a sense of comfort and familiarity, surrounding her whole and lovingly.
Her father was different though. Maybe a long time ago he would have joined them. Maybe a long time ago, but not anymore.
Every time Li Tianxi tried to speak and not a word would form, she thought about how she hadn’t only lost her voice, but him as well. She didn’t understand why it was like that. She didn’t understand anything at that time. Sometimes she felt like it was all because of her, all her own fault. It wasn’t though, not really. She hadn’t even realised back then, but she had lost her father long before she had lost her voice.
Just like how some hidden demon inside her wouldn’t let her speak, it also wouldn’t let her see reality. So she blamed herself for everything. For her father drifting away slowly, like a dead leaf sauntering down slowly, waiting to inevitably reach the ground and crumble.
It started with unsung Christmas songs and escalated in screams and shouts and loud loud loud as her mother’s cries echoed in her mind, haunting her dreams forever.
Li Tianxi’s favourite Christmas song started playing. The distinctive melody of Jingle Bells filled the room.
It felt strange though, all the warmth gone. It felt chilly, like being frozen in place, an uncomfortable cold surrounding her. Ice slowly crept up the walls until it reached the ceiling and the whole room was covered in white. Something like a premonition.
Her dad stood up abruptly.
“I’m going to work,” he said monotonously. Almost like a robot, she thought.
“What?” her mother said, confusion tinting her voice. “But it’s Christmas Day honey, don’t you think we should celebrate and take a-”
“And who do you think brings all the food on this table?” he interrupted her, voice way too loud to Li Tianxi’s sensitive ears. He picked up a present from under the Christmas tree, wrapped in sparkling pink wrapping paper, and held it up.
“Who do you think bought all of these presents?” He threw it down uncaringly. “Who do you think brings money into this household? Gives you a home?”
Xixi didn’t like when her father spoke like this. He sounded dangerous. Irrational. Ready to snap at any moment.
The melody of Jingle Bells faded into the background, only the obnoxious sound of bells ringing remaining. The room froze over once again, as he made his way to the door. He opened it swiftly.
“I’m leaving.”
The door closed shut with a bang and the ice shattered. She shivered.
The bells kept ringing. Li Tianxi put her hands over her ears, shutting her eyes closed tightly.
Why wouldn’t they stop?
Second Christmas: Fire
A lot of memories in Xixi's head weren't her own. They belonged to her family or strangers that didn't even know she existed.
Her powers and all that came with them were hard to grasp for her. She could barely manage to handle her own memories, so a million stranger's most vulnerable moments flooding her mind any second of the day were incomprehensible.
Sometimes they came to her randomly. Maybe when she was reading her favourite manga or eating breakfast with Li Tianchen. Often when she tried to sleep in her too cold bed in Qian Jin's apartment and couldn't repress them anymore or distract herself from them.
It hurt to let them flood her head over and over, it hurt so bad. Other people's memories were quick to light her up from the inside, spreading like a wildfire. Whereas her own were formed swiftly and with ease, like blowing a bubble, but just as quick to burst as one too. When they were caught by the flames of strangers' laughter and cries, they popped instantly and got replaced by the burning blaze.
It was all too much.
She abruptly disconnected from Chen Bin’s mind and bolted out of the car with tears in her eyes.
It was way easier to run away from the overflow of memories. Run away, before more of Chen Bin's imaginations filled her mind. Dreams of a future with his daughter, not unlike herself.
When Chen Bin thought of her, Li Tianxi imagined herself in her place, sitting with him and his wife at a warm fireplace, draining cups of homemade cocoa, opening up lovingly wrapped presents.
Chen Bin's wife smiled at Xixi and her face morphed into her own mother's.
“Merry Christmas, sweetie.” She said with a loving smile, before the memory burned out, only an afterglow remaining. The light flickered and a new memory was born, invading her mind like catching fire.
It burned.
So she kept running.
Third Christmas: Stars
When Li Tianxi woke up, her sight was still blurry from the tears in her eyes. Someone was hovering above her, but she couldn’t make out their face. Gentle hands were nudging her awake and Xixi felt safe and loved. Like there was nothing in the world that could harm her, like she would always be protected.
She blinked a few times and the person came into focus.
“It‘s almost time Xixi,” Qiao Ling said, an excited smile on her face. “The stars are about to come out!”
Suddenly Li Tianxi was wide awake, swiftly sitting upright in a bed she only seemed to vaguely recognise from stolen memories.
Qiao Lings brows creased with worry. “Are those tears? Are you not feeling well?”
What was happening? Was she going crazy?
Xixi didn’t know that. But what she did know was that the black haired girl's presence made her feel more at ease, even now that she felt lost and confused. So she shook her head and gave a thumbs up, putting on her best reassuring smile.
“Nightmare,” she mouthed and Qiao Ling gave her a look of pity before patting her shoulder lightly.
“You’re gonna be alright okay? It’s just a nightmare, you don’t have to be scared anymore. I’m here for you. And it’s Christmas, after all, we should celebrate!”
Xixi smiled but her chest hurt. What was happening? What was happening?
“We have to hurry, we don’t wanna miss it, right?” Qiao Ling said encouragingly. She stood up and pulled Xixi with her.
“Come on, let’s get dressed warm and cosy, don’t want us catching a cold!”
Qiao Ling grabbed a purple jacket, a pink scarf and a light blue woolen hat. She put them on carefully. Xixi just stood there, contemplating what to do.
Wasn’t she somewhere else a few minutes ago? Or was that really just a bad dream?
“Do you want me to pick out your outfit?” Qiao Ling asked excitedly.
Xixi nodded. She felt frozen in place and couldn’t do anything but go along with whatever was happening for now.
Qiao Ling picked out a blue winter jacket for her and put a pair of earmuffs over her ears. There was a heart shape on each side of them. They looked incredibly cute, but strangely, Xixi didn’t recognise them or any of the other items.
Both of them went outside and it was dark. Li Tianxi didn’t recognize any of the surroundings. They seemed familiar though, like a memory buried deep inside her brain that wouldn’t show itself.
Qiao Ling led them up a staircase of some sort of observation deck. Before Xixi could take a proper look around, Qiao Ling nudged her shoulder gently, so she turned to her.
“Look!” she pointed at the sky.
So Li Tianxi looked and she gasped in awe.
A million stars lit up the dark night and they looked like they were glowing. Just like fireflies, they seemed to dance around them, infinite, vast and beautiful.
She felt a weight on her side and managed to rip her stare away from the stars. Xixi leaned against Qiao Ling as well, their gaze meeting.
“Merry Christmas,” Qiao Ling said.
They smiled at each other softly and Li Tianxi wished that they could stay like this forever.
But she didn‘t know where she was, she didn’t know how she got here just-
Suddenly she started to remember.
The stars vanished and left was only the darkness in her mind.
The pain came back to her in full force and her whole body ached.
Right. She wasn’t there, gazing at the beautiful night sky with Qiao Ling. She was in an underground subway station, lying on the floor with a bullet wound in her chest.
She thought back to her brother and about how he had run off, just like she asked him to. She smiled gratefully.
Finally managing to open her eyes again all she could see was Qiao Ling’s face, tears in her eyes and holding her hand comfortingly. Glimpses of the starlit night flashed in her mind again.
Whose memories were those?
It didn‘t matter.
No it didn‘t, because somewhere out there, in another timeline maybe, she was looking up at the night sky with Qiao Ling. Somewhere out there, she was happy and knowing that was enough.
So she closed her eyes.