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“Eggs really?” Siffrin says with a laugh at the ridiculousness of Isabeau’s answer.
“Hey! You asked me what my fantasies were not if they were, y'know, possible.” Isabeau goes for indignation but falls short as he’s holding back giggles.
“No, no. I think it’s an EGG-cellent idea.”
“Pfft, Sif!” He laughs heartily at Siffrin’s pun as always. They’re helpless to join in, the sound of his laughter like music to their ears.
“Okay, okay,” Isabeau says through heaving breaths as he tries to calm himself down. “Now give me one of yours.”
That’s how this game goes. Isabeau will share one of his fantasies, then Siffrin will go. It’s the only way the two of them have come up with where Siffrin can feel less shy about explaining what he wants in the bedroom. It’s a challenge for both of their people-pleasing personalities. Trying to share what they want while also not getting too hung up on what the other wants and not feeling pressured to conform to the other’s tastes.
Siffrin thinks for a moment. They have quite a few but they want to start off… tamer. Coming right out of the gate with something like wanting to be sliced open likely wouldn’t go over well with Isabeau. He’s too soft hearted for a lot of the things Siffrin is interested in trying.
“Hmm, I think bondage could be fun,” he says. The idea of being restrained and forced to just take it is incredibly arousing. Even if the thought of asking for it makes them feel gross.
“Being tied up or tying someone else up?”
Siffrin’s face flushes deep. “Being tied up.”
“Well I’d be willing to try that out with you. I’ve been tied up before and it can be fun with the right partner,” Isabeau says. He’s well aware of the gap in experience between himself and Siffrin, not that it bothers him at all!! It’s cute when Siffrin doesn’t know what something is or how it works or wants to try something new to him!!
They look down at their hands in their lap and stay silent. Aw, poor guy is embarrassed.
“Okay my turn again,” Isabeau says, drawing the attention back to himself. “This one is a little… weird.”
Siffrin perks up at that, curious. What could Isabeau have to say that’s weird enough to warrant a warning?
“Have you heard of um, puppy play?” His face feels warm, but he’s trying to maintain eye contact with Siffrin.
They shake their head. Well, crab. He expected as much but it’s so embarrassing to explain… Not so cute when it’s his turn to feel that way, huh.
“So um. Basically one person is the puppy and the other is the master and um… the master commands the puppy so they don’t have to think.”
Poor Isabeau looks like his face is about to explode if it gets any darker. Siffrin isn’t quite sure what all would go into that kink, but there’s something intriguing about not having to think. Not so different from what they want out of being restrained.
“I think that sounds…. Fun?” They’re not sure if that’s the right word for it, but they’ve enjoyed the small role plays they’ve done in the past.
“It is fun,” Isabeau says with a smile, the shade in his face finally cooling from scorching.
“Do you um like being the puppy or the master?”
Aaaand Isabeau’s face is flushed deep again. “Th-the puppy.”
Siffrin would like to say he’s surprised, but honestly that makes sense. Isabeau is very dog-like in his excitability and loyalty. It’s cute.
“A-anyways your turn,” Isabeau says.
It’s their turn again. It only seems fair that he shares something that is equally embarrassing for him but… that’s almost all of his fantasies. The mere existence of their own desire makes their skin crawl and their stomach churn. Never mind that they get off on pain and the threat of death.
Disgusting.
But Isabeau has never turned down an idea before so… maybe they can share something a little more intense.
“Don’t… this one is a little weird too.” He’s not actually sure if it is, but better safe than sorry. “But choking…”
Contrary to what Siffrin believed would be Isabeau’s reaction, fear and disgust, he merely nods. “That one’s actually pretty common,” he says, brushing Siffrin’s bangs from their face. “But um… I’d have to read up more on it so I can make sure not to hurt you.”
He knows Siffrin wants it to hurt. They’ve discussed his pain kink before, but Isabeau doesn’t want to be responsible for actual damage and he knows how fragile the windpipe is. The things they teach in Defender classes… he shivers.
“Okay,” Siffrin says softly, but Isabeau can see that they’re trying to hide a smile. Aaaaa he’s so cute!!!
“Ok how about for our next ones we each share something we really really wanna do.” If he could he would give Siffrin all the stars in the sky, but instead he can settle for hearing out their desires. “I know you can get kind of shy with these things so what’s something you’ve always wanted to try but have been too afraid to ask for?”
Now isn’t that a loaded question. There are plenty of things Siffrin has come across in their own exploration that has sounded interesting to them that they’ve been too afraid to tell Isabeau. He’s not sure he can do it even now.
“Um, c-can you still go first?” Siffrin asks, shyly.
“Oh! Yeah! Of course.” Isabeau puts a finger to his chin and hums in thought. Siffrin is curious what he could possibly say, sure Isabeau is shy but he’s more open than them that’s for sure.
Isabeau’s face goes darker the longer he thinks before he finally speaks. “Ok well. Obviously this would all be pretend and if we actually wanted to do this for real we would need to talk a lot about it first.” He feels like his face is about to catch on fire. “But um I’d like to g-get you pregnant.”
Siffrin blinks their one eye owlishly. “Get me… pregnant?”
Isabeau nods. “B-but not for real you know! Haha.”
“Oh.” He’s not really sure how he feels about that. But there is something warm that settles in his belly at Isabeau’s admission. “Okay,” they decide. “I’d like to try that.”
“Really? You’re not just saying that because you know I’ll like it?”
Siffrin nods. “It sounds…” What's the word? “Nice.”
“Okay.” Isabeau smiles wide, his cheeks still very dark.
Siffrin tries to think of something more to say about Isabeau’s answer, but keeps coming up blank. Oh stars . They’re not ready.
Their hands are shaking. Isabeau covers both of them with one of his own. “Hey. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I promise I won’t judge you for whatever it is.”
He knows that. He does! But admitting this isn’t easy. Especially not with the reasoning behind it.
“I um…. I’ve…. Itsreallyhotwhensomeoneholdsabladetomythroat,” Siffrin says in one breath. There! It’s out into the world! Job done!
“What…?” Isabeau couldn’t make out a single word in that rapid fire stream.
Siffrin’s face goes just as dark as Isabeau’s had. Stars. They have to say it again. “I said um… I said……. That…. Okay I know you’re, um, probably not comfortable with this so it’s okay if we don’t. But um it’s really hot when someone holds a blade to my throat….”
Isabeau’s eyes widen. “And is this… something that has happened before?”
Well not technically. Unless Siffrin counts himself, which he doesn’t. So they shake their head.
Isabeau breathes a soft sigh. “Okay. Good.” He scratches the back of his head. “And look, you were right. I’m not sure I’m comfortable doing that. I extra don’t want to hurt you with this and I’d worry about messing up and…” he finishes with a lame shrug.
“You wouldn’t do that. Hurt me that badly.”
“Sif. I don’t want to hurt you at all.”
Oh. They weren’t expecting Isabeau to agree but it’s still a bit disappointing to have that idea turned down when it had been so difficult to say in the first place.
“But,” Isabeau sighs. “If you give me time to do research on it and work up to it I might be willing to give it a try.”
Siffrin perks up again. A maybe is better than a no! They nod furiously.
Aww, the way they smile… How could Isabeau say no to that?
It was either forget about the conversation altogether forever to save themself some embarrassment, or try to do something so at least one or two of these silly little fantasies can be actually brought to life, for fun, for them both to bond over.
So, a list was something natural to come up with. Well, it was on Isabeau’s mind from the beginning, and he was only feeling a little reluctant to bring it up because… Wouldn’t it be too nerdy of him? But he’s trying to Change that! To be more authentic, to put down the mask, especially in front of his beloved.
They didn’t have much of a schedule or anything, it was more of a suggestion of activities if they both were in the mood to spice things up. Which, at first, came quite soon after.
First thing on the list… Puppy play. Done, it was fantastic to see Isa pant with his tongue out, being given orders, on all fours and treated like a literal dog, he played the part so well!
Next… Bondage. Being tied up, blindfolded and gagged, was equally amazing for Siffrin. This time all while they agreed to couple it with Isabeau’s breeding kink, so he could do whatever he wanted to them like they were gonna carry his baby for the next nine months. Siffrin could even pretend they were being forced to do it! However sweet Isa’s words were, speaking about how much he likes it, and how much they must like it if they were so wet about it—
It was fun! It’s a way to get to know each other better. Despite the awkwardness and the nervousness and the embarrassment and lest we forget the dreaded vulnerability … In the end Isabeau was right to bring it up, if everything’s done within each other’s comfort levels.
Which is why Siffrin still feels both unsure and on edge about what should be next… Knife play, as Isabeau wrote it down. Right at the bottom of the list, which to be fair wasn’t super long either.
Of course, they could just say it’s better not to do it. Or to do it any other day. Or to do it in other ways, not with their knife, being less risky, but… That would just ruin the immersion. And the blade is dull, they mention in order to make Isabeau less nervous about it all. Siffrin is entirely sure he won’t do any real damage.
Still, the actual ‘doing it’ comes far later, as neither felt ready just yet, so they went back to playing around with the other kinks they already knew were safe. This repeated a few times until finally, Siffrin felt confident enough to mention it and Isabeau felt confident enough to go through it.
The setup is simple enough. The knife gleams in the soft light of the setting sun as Siffrin places it gingerly on the bedside table.
“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?” They ask again. It feels a little weird being on this side of the conversation, but they really really don’t want Isabeau to do this only because they want to.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. A little nervous, but I’ve read up on how to hold the knife correctly and everything so I don’t hurt you,” Isabeau says as he sits on the bed. He’s still not extremely into the idea, but he can at least try to do this. For Siffrin.
Siffrin smiles. He would be fine if Isabeau did hurt him, but he knows that’s not what his boyfriend wants. So he’ll have to be fine with simply the threat of danger.
Their clothes come off, neither of them wanting to waste anymore time. Siffrin is already soaked from the mere idea of what to come, their underwear peels off with a slick sound. Gross.
Isabeau wraps a large hand around their waist and pulls them into his lap. They start as they always do with a deep, searing kiss. All tongue and teeth and spit. He knows Siffrin finds this type of kissing a little gross, but they settle into it as they always do— giving just as good as they got.
Siffrin squirms on Isabeau’s lap. The friction is like heaven on his hardening cock.
“Change, Sif,” Isabeau murmurs against their lips. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Fuck me?” Siffrin says sweetly. And who is Isabeau to possibly say no when he asks like that.
He lays Siffrin out against the pillows. They sigh as they stretch out, parting their legs for him without needing to be asked. He kisses them again as his hands grope along their exposed form. Olds scars form craters on Siffrin’s otherwise soft skin providing a path for Isabeau to follow as he moves to kiss down his body.
Siffrin whines when Isabeau bites at his chest, leaving marks to claim him as his own. A jolt shocks through them as a large finger circles their clit. With how worked up they are already, they don’t need that much prep. But they know how much Isabeau enjoys foreplay.
They buck their hips against the finger, wordlessly begging for more, more, more. Isabeau, ever eager to serve, obeys and sinks one finger into his wet heat.
“Oh stars, sunflower,” Isabeau breathes. “You’re so wet.”
Siffrin’s face burns and they turn to hide it in the pillows. It’s embarrassing!! Getting this worked up over just the idea of Isabeau holding a knife to their throat. Not even the real thing yet! He knows how nervous his boyfriend is about the whole situation, yet he can’t help but feel excited.
This part is easy for Isabeau, he doesn’t have to think about what’s to come. But it’s still there in the back of his mind as he fingers Siffrin open. It’s the reason they’re so wet. He knows once he’s done getting them ready what’s next. So he takes his time.
By the time he slips in a second finger, Siffrin is writhing with impatience.
“Please, Isabeau. Please, please, please,” he begs.
Ah change. Isabeau can’t deny them any longer. His cock throbs with a similar desire, even if his stomach churns anxiously. He takes a deep breath before lining himself up and sinking inside Siffrin.
Isabeau groans shakily as he’s consumed by their tight, warm heat. The walls of Siffrin’s cunt flutter around his cock as they match him with a moan of their own.
He’s not… Jealous, exactly, of whatever this means that it got Siffrin so worked up. It’s something he himself can only imagine, and even then, isn’t particularly eager for that imagery to get too detailed. What matters is that Siffrin wants it, and they want it so much more badly than most other things and it’s… Both daunting and exciting.
Since, sure, he could back out at any moment, he knows this, but… But he really wants to fulfill this fantasy, for them — And even the very few seconds he spends inside them allow his nerves to melt a little, knowing it’ll feel good all the way. Of course it will!
He just… He just has to fight off a very deep seated worry, and that might make him stall more than he’d like. And it might make him want to make Siffrin feel good enough so they won’t need it, and he can shield himself with the fact that neither of them stated how or when the knife should be picked up.
The delicious back and forth of Isabeau thrusting into them is very distracting at first, but they keep waiting, and waiting— Fearing they might be too impatient, so they wait a little more, quieter than usual, until they figure that, maybe they should say something? Give some kind of signal?
“Isa, I’m… I’m ready.” He tells him, eye fixed on Isabeau’s beautiful, sweaty face.
Isabeau knows what that means and he can’t hold it off any longer, he gulps and glances at the knife placed next to them. “… Ah… Alright.”
Finally, Siffrin sighs, somebody who loves them will wield it. The idea itself has got him almost vibrating from head to toe. They want this so bad, and they're allowing themself to be seen like this, to be held against the blade like this, isn't that a show of uttermost trust?
From all the things they’ve done together… At least it doesn’t feel as terrible, it’s about doing something new and nice for the person you love, it’s about enjoying the moment together. It’ll be fine, both of them repeat it in their heads.
Siffrin’s eye is watchful of Isabeau's movements as he reaches for the knife and so very tortuously slowly, gets it closer and closer to their neck, with Siffrin’s breathing getting heavier both from the fullness below and the anticipation above, entirely too aroused for it to finally happen.
The blade is dull.
It feels so foreign as he holds it, as if the handle was made to repel him. His hands and fingers are too big, he doesn’t usually employ a weapon— But he does use sewing needles, pencils, even small scissors, so being unsure about fine motor skills isn’t the issue.
Siffrin tries hard not to squirm. They don’t want their excitement to be this obvious. But seeing his dagger in Isabeau’s large hands… He has to bite his lip to keep from moaning out loud.
This time, they wish they were feeling more nervous than they actually are.. They know this is weird, and they want to feel under some danger, that's the whole point! But— But he trusts Isabeau so much and he feels so strangely calm about it. They feel like they shouldn't, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing, right?
At least he’s calmer than Isabeau, who’s stalling. He’s still distracting himself by slowly thrusting in and out of Siffrin, feeling somewhat comforted by how good he feels, always so good to him.
“… It’s okay.” Siffrin tells him with a small smile. “I can guide you.”
“S-sure, that’d be… That’d be great.” He matches his smile, it’s very nice of him to offer.
(Romantic, too, in some way.)
Normally, the view is amazing, looking at Siffrin’s flushed and sweaty face under him, makes it all so much more special. But as soon as the knife in his crabbing hand enters the picture, he doesn’t like it so much.
But it’s okay, because they said so, because they’re asking for this, because one of their hands joins his— it’s his dominant one, but it doesn’t feel that way right now— gently over the handle, and brings it closer and closer to his neck.
The blade is dull.
His other hand grips the bedsheets. He has stopped thrusting in favor of focusing on this. Thinking that as soon as he finds the way that makes him feel safe and comfortable about this he will feel better and it’ll be okay.
He can see the blade standing out in stark contrast against Siffrin’s light skin, shining under the dim light. Siffrin’s breathing gets heavier and they get tighter just by having it close even though it’s not touching their neck just yet.
It makes sense that they’re eagerly anticipating it. Oh, he looks so cute when he enjoys himself, that’s exactly what Isabeau wanted to see! Always happy to make them happy, always happy to hear their moans and feel their body writhe under him.
“You’ll— you’ll let me know if—” Isabeau stutters. He has to make sure at least one more time.
“Yes, Isa, I promise.”
Many pained noises have come from their mouth in the times they’ve had sex before, and Isabeau has learned how to tell them apart. Right now, as the blade is just very carefully grazing Siffrin’s neck, they let out an audible sigh.
“Mmmh— Is this good?”
He gives a very short nod. “Yes, yes, yes — Isa—”
The hand that guided him goes to his back, gripping onto the skin with trembling fingers. Siffrin isn’t without fear, and the more they sink into the fantasy, the more it makes their blood chill in such a good way. He had wanted this for so long, and it’s so much better than he imagined. He’d suck on the knife and cut his tongue on it if he could get the message across, but it’s okay— It’s okay, they can start small.
With that confirmation that all is well, Isabeau resumes moving inside them. He’s being very careful with his hand, watching the blade of the knife with steady eyes, and starts allowing himself to enjoy this too. Only seeing that– the blade against Siffrin’s throat– he swallows audibly. He has to close his eyes every now and then. But that’s normal! He does it sometimes, Siffrin does it too, and he— He just has to get used to the visual, and it’ll be okay.
Just as he’s losing that fear, eyes closed as he sinks into the moment, there’s a very slight give beneath the dagger. Siffrin moans before sucking in air through his teeth immediately after, it makes Isabeau open his eyes and there’s… Their neck…
If the blade is dull…
(Oh Change. He’s going to be sick.)
Then why did it draw blood?!
Tearing it away from their skin, Isabeau feels his veins go cold, his— He—
At the same time, Siffrin just presses their palm against the wound, eye open and looking somewhat surprised, but not remotely panicking.
“Ah…” He knew this could happen, it’s no big deal, what was the Healing Craft again…? “I-I’m okay, don’t worry, I’ll just—”
Blood. So much blood. Isabeau can see it in his mind as it flows from the cut he made along Siffrin’s neck. His lover choking for breath as his lungs fill with blood, blood, blood.
“I… I— I can’t do this.” Isabeau says, both for them and for himself. His sweat feels cold, he’s feeling lightheaded, he can barely breathe . “Sorry, Sif— I can’t.”
They want to say something, just to reassure him, as he didn’t do anything wrong! The cut is fairly shallow, Siffrin knows this very intimately and that’s also why he knew he could trust Isabeau, even if neither of them are experienced with knives in the bedroom. But before they can say anything else, he pulls out of them and drops the knife.
Applying pressure to it, Siffrin mutters a phrase, and just like that the Craft heals the very fresh cut closed enough to stop bleeding. It’ll probably open if they stretch their neck to the other side, but otherwise they know it’s fine, especially when it was caught this quickly.
Uncovering their neck, they just want to assure him, “It’s okay, look, it’s no longer—”
“B-but what if it wasn’t?” He kind of raises his voice, not upset at Siffrin , just upset in general.
It’s hard not to assume he’s upset at them, though. “I… I told you, the blade is dull—”
“Not dull enough .” He frowns, he doesn’t— He’s not looking to get into an argument, he wouldn’t be able to, he— He can’t stop thinking about Siffrin’s blood on his hands, of messing up and losing them like this.
His whole world would have crumbled around him. The love of his life, his throat slit by Isabeau’s own hand, their blood spraying all over their bedsheets.
It would’ve been the stupidest mistake of his life, and for what?! No, no, no, no, it still feels too fresh, too real, he can’t take his mind off of it. He brings one hand to his head.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to—” To yell, but he hasn’t yelled, or has he? He’s not sure, “I just— I- I can’t.” It’s what he’s most capable of saying, and even those words feel strained, painful.
Sitting up on the bed, feeling a little empty, and still more than a little aroused, Siffrin absolutely does not know what to do. Isa has never acted like this before, and they— They should’ve seen it coming, but they just didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal, considering they’ve done worse, and they’re still here!
Isabeau knows he’s failing to calm himself down, though plenty aware that he should. Siffrin is okay! He said it himself! And still, only images of their lifeless body pop into his vision even with his eyes closed. At some point he’s holding his head with both of his hands and biting his trembling lower lip, repeating ’I can’t, I can’t’ under his breath.
Siffrin approaches him, placing one palm on his back. It helps ground Isabeau, somewhat, but he can’t give feedback like he normally would. “I— It’s okay, Isa, I…” Siffrin gulps. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”
It's not that Isabeau doesn't register their words. In fact, the part of him that knows they're okay, that knows nothing horrible happened and it was just a mistake and they're not even in pain anymore, wants to tell them they don't have to apologize. He agreed to this beforehand and that it was a realistic accident to expect, but the other part, the emotional one, is just so much louder.
Isabeau’s own guilt is so palpable, which stops Siffrin from blaming himself any further out loud .
And it creates another problem, which is that Siffrin doesn't feel like he's able to get through him in this state. Panic is rising in Siffrin's mind, because they don't know what to do, and this is their fault, and if they don't know how to calm Isabeau down despite him making it seem so blindingly natural when it's them, then aren't they such a pathetic excuse for a partner???
In some way, they know they have little time left before completely spiraling and becoming useless. They have to do something. Anything.
“Isa, Isa, Isa . Hey, it's okay, I'm here, I'm okay,” they say, patting his back very gently, as he never flinches at these things. But what does he need when he's like this?
(Are they this difficult to get through, too?… That's rough to think about.)
Fearing the worst– that maybe this is the last straw and Isabeau is never going to talk to them again– they try what they think is the simplest and probably stupidest suggestion. It’s one that at least he appreciates, and they will never forget that. “Isa… L-let’s… Let's breathe together?”
He tries to nod, though by how much he's shaking it's a little hard to tell. Either way, Siffrin breathes in, a biiiiiig audible breath… Then out, drawing it out and emptying their lungs. Isabeau tries to follow, but fails the first set.
It's fine. They repeat this as long as needed for his breathing to calm down. It helps them too, more than they'd expect, really.
It takes Isabeau what feels like an eternity just to draw in one full breath. His hands still shake as he presses his fists against his burning eyes. He doesn’t want to cry but… the thoughts of what could have been won’t leave even as he takes another deep breath.
Siffrin remains close, their arm winding its way around Isabeau’s broad shoulders. What is it Isa always says to him in moments like these? They know there’s more to this than just breathing.
Words of comfort? Or– or something like that.
“I’m okay,” Siffrin repeats lamely. “You uh… I’m not… I’m not hurt. I healed myself already.”
(Stars they’re terrible at this. But he has to do something. Didn’t they plan for this? Didn’t they know something could go wrong? Where is his backup plan? Isabeau always has a plan and it’s all their fault that Isabeau is in this state.)
Isabeau exhales loudly and leans heavily into Siffrin, hands falling into his lap. The rock in their stomach only sinks deeper when they take in how exhausted Isabeau looks now that he isn’t actively panicking.
They messed up. Big time. He’s never seen Isabeau this upset before. But… he’d agreed to it. Siffrin can’t wrap his head around why Isabeau had agreed. Sure they had wanted it, but even before starting they had prefaced everything with saying that they knew Isabeau wasn’t comfortable with it.
Did they somehow manipulate him into agreeing? A pit reopens in their stomach, bitter and awful like always.
Siffrin’s eye burns with the threat of tears, but he holds them at bay. They can’t go crying now when Isabeau is still so silent.
“Are… Um, are you okay?” They ask, tightening their hold on Isabeau.
“Mmm….” Isabeau only responds with a small hum. He’s… not sure how he feels. Numb, mostly. Now that the fear and panic have faded, all that is left is the memory of it all.
He’s tired.
Isabeau rests his head on Siffrin’s shoulder. From here he can see the small cut across their throat. The cut that he caused.
Siffrin barely holds themself from flinching when Isabeau touches the cut with a finger, but he still immediately draws it back as if they had.
“Sorry…” Isabeau mumbles, his voice thick.
“No, no it’s okay.”
Siffrin gently grabs his hand and brings it back to his neck.
“See? I’m okay. It’s a tiny cut now.”
“Mmmm.” It doesn’t feel small. Not to Isabeau. Just a little more pressure to the blade and they wouldn’t be sitting here right n—
He squeezes his eyes shut and cradles his hand to his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Siffrin sighs softly. “Isa. I’m okay. I promise. I super duper promise even.”
They sit back so they can look Isabeau in the eye, but he won’t look at them. Why would he look at them? ( He thinks you’re disgusting. )
Siffrin’s breath hitches quietly, but Isabeau hears it and glances up. His single eye shines wetly and Isabeau scrambles to pull them in close.
“I’m not mad at you,” he croaks. “I’m mad at myself. For letting things get this far.”
What Siffrin doesn’t say is that he really enjoyed it. What he doesn’t say is that he wishes Isabeau had dug the blade in deeper, that his mind is still stuck in that split second in which it cut into his flesh. What he doesn’t say is that he never ever wants to do this again. Not if Isabeau is going to react this badly.
“I asked you to do it. It’s not your fault,” Siffrin says softly.
“Not my—“ Isabeau sits up looking harried. “Sif,” he says pleadingly. “You trusted me with the dagger against your throat and I hurt you! It’s my fault! I messed up and you got hurt and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if it had been even worse!”
Siffrin stares wide eyed at his partner. A lump forming in their throat. “Y-you would never do that though.”
(Even if a part of them wishes he would. What does that say about them? Disgusting.)
“That’s not the point! I never wanted to hurt you either and I did and—“ Isabeau presses his fists to his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Sif. You wanted this and I messed it up and ruined the mood and—“
“Hey.” They put a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to do. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?”
“Yeah but—“
“No, no. No buts. You can’t say that to me and then not do it yourself.” Siffrin looks pleadingly at Isabeau. “Please. You can’t do that.”
Isabeau looks away and sighs. “You’re right. I just… I wanted to try it. You seemed so into it and I wanted to make you happy….”
Well now Siffrin’s heart sinks entirely to their stomach. Isabeau was pushing himself all for their sake. This… they don’t want to talk about this anymore.
“I’m not mad,” they repeat. “So don’t um… don’t beat yourself up about it. Okay?”
“I’ll… try,” Isabeau says as convincingly as possible. He can’t get these images of Siffrin’s lifeless body bleeding out beneath him out of his mind. He can see the dark blood staining their darkless sheets so clearly even though it had never happened. The visual will haunt him for days to come at the very least. But he’ll try. For Siffrin. He can see how guilty they feel about the whole thing which only creates a feedback loop for his own guilt.
“C’mon sunshine,” Siffrin says with an uneasy smile. “Let’s cuddle and get some sleep, okay?”
“Yeah…”
That’s when he sees it. The dagger still lays on the bed where he dropped it. The blade is still shining with Siffrin’s dark blood.
He feels like he’s going to be sick.
Siffrin notices the way Isabeau’s face pales and follows his gaze to… oh stars.
They quickly snatch up the dagger. Throwing it on the bedside table wouldn’t work, Isabeau can still see it there. Where should— the drawer. Letting go of Isabeau for only a moment, Siffrin pulls open the drawer on the nightstand and throws the dagger inside all but slamming the thing closed once it’s secured.
“There. Now we don’t have to think about it.”
Isabeau smiles shakily. “Thanks, Sif.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They draw Isabeau back into their arms and he returns the hold gratefully. Lying back down on the bed, Siffrin runs his fingers through Isabeau’s mussed hair. The two of them are quiet. Quieter than they’ve perhaps ever been. Even if Siffrin isn’t much for words, Isabeau is always there filling the space with his presence. Now though… he feels so small, so fragile. Two adjectives they would normally never apply to him.
It’s honestly terrifying. What if he’s never the same again after this? What if Isabeau wants to leave them because they’re disgusting and awful? What if—
The sound of Isabeau’s quiet snores interrupts Siffrin train of thought. No… Isabeau would never leave, but he’s going to need them close for the next few days. Not that Siffrin minds. He’s always glad to spend time with his lover. It’s just painful under these specific circumstances.
It’ll be fine. They have to remind themself of that. Isabeau always bounces back so…
Even asleep Isabeau’s brows are furrowed and the corners of his mouth downturned. Siffrin hopes he doesn’t have nightmares about what just happened.
“Sleep well,” they whisper, dropping a light kiss to the top of his head.
It’s good that he seems to be able to drift off despite what happened. Siffrin also tries, but fails as there are too many thoughts tugging at their brain and most importantly, their heart. The second they feel alone, it feels awful, awful, and they’re absolutely not a stranger to that feeling, but it’s been… So long since they dealt with it alone.
With no option to reach out.
(No option he can allow himself, at least. They don’t deserve it.)
Not too long ago, they were all they had. That’s all he allowed himself to have. Having gotten used to the comfort stings now that it’s out of reach.
But they’ve been through worse. Even if they’re never sure and always believe that anything might be the last straw. That this is how they lose him and everyone, desperately wanting to rewrite it, to take it back somehow— They should’ve seen this coming from the start, but…
… They just… They’re upset about making Isabeau upset. They feel guilty about having wanted what they asked for, for having these fantasies, this near-death wish latent almost everyday, even now. They thought placing the knife in his hand would ease that desire. To give him that role for once, knowing it was going to be just pretend. But if anything it only made things worse.
But they definitely don’t blame him for it— not that they’re not frustrated that this didn’t go their way. Siffrin only blames himself, always himself, for being so stupid.
And what do we do when we feel this level of stupid?
Ah… It’s been so long, and it is currently stored in the drawer,their already dried blood still stains it. How wonderfully ironic, that it never stayed that way for long.
Part of them is wanting to run away before he wakes up and decides to leave him, it was what they would always do before when things got rough. It’s easier to leave than it is to be abandoned. But… no. He can’t. He’s stronger than that now. They know Isabeau would never leave them and wants to stay with him so badly it hurts.
It’s not the first time they’ve felt like this, anyway.
What will they do? They don’t… Need to do any of this. Just like how they knew they didn’t need to use their dagger to loop back. They convinced themself they’d use it to save time.
It was faster .
Well, it got faster with practice, but guess what? It also got less and less meaningful. To the point of boredom, too. Such an empty feeling, that lingers even now, years later.
Maybe it’s something that sets them apart from the others, just like their origin and their trauma and everything about them . It hurts, it hurts a lot— And… And he does know that if Isabeau asked for the same… They’d… They’d—
…
They wouldn’t slip up like that, they know. But if— If they did, and his neck— No… It makes him feel sick just by trying to think about it, and— That’s pretty much how Isabeau felt, isn’t it? But, but—!
… Isabeau’s body isn’t disposable. He’s a fully-fledged beautiful whole person, he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t…!
…
That isn’t the truth.
They don’t want to accept it, they don’t want to believe it, but it’s the other way around. It has to be, they can’t ignore it any longer.
After all this time, Siffrin does know what it feels like to love someone else. For someone to mean so much, the thought of losing them feels worse than death.
(And they can attest to it.)
Ah, this hurts them way more than anything else.
Gently, slowly, he hovers a hand right above Isabeau’s face. Hesitating, unsure if it’ll wake him up, they place it as if they were wiping tears that never came out.
“… I’m sorry.” They whisper. Because you see me this way , they don’t say.
“I’m— I’m sorry…” Because I can’t see myself in that way .
He doesn’t want to wake him up, he doesn’t want to bother him any more, but he can’t help it.
“I’m sorry.” For failing, and failing, and failing .
They know they should’ve never done it in the first place, but what’s done is done.The blood has already been spilled and it will stain his hands forever.