Chapter Text
♪♫ “Imma snake, Imma snake...”♪♫ Lucifer sang to himself as he slithered across the crown-molding. “Hiss hiss hiss Immmmmaaaa snake!” His hat knocked against the shade of a lamp causing it to go askew. “Ha! It's stuck on, silly lamp! Magic bitch!” Lucifer hummed pleased with himself. He was feeling quiet good today. He was living with his daughter again, yay! His baby girl was his light and it had been a long time since he'd been so happy.
If it wasn't for the deer asshole things would be perfect. Perhaps a bit of light smiting? It had been a while since he'd had a good smite. Adam not included, of course. He would have smote him, but Charlie was a forgiving sort. Not Lucifer though, he was the Devil! Nope, he'd get his devil on and smite the bastard. He just needed an excuse...
♪♫“Devil, Devil! You're a rebel, rebel!”♪♫ He sang scooting his way along the wall. He was going to be sneaky. Incognito as it were.
♪♫ “Doooo dooo doo, doo dooododooo,”♪♫ “Spy mode!”
“Hey,” Angel whispered across the bar at Husk. “What's he doin'? Does he think we can't see 'im?”
“Just ignore it,” Husk muttered and glanced over at the swinging lampshade and the white snake with the top hat slithering along the edge of the wall. Al would have spotted their monarch and would take his own measures. If Husk was lucky Al would pick a fight.
“Hooo Haaa,” the snake dropped from the wall and not so stealthily crept along the top of the love-seat that Alastor was sitting on. Alastor shook out his paper and sipped his coffee. He'd chosen to ignore their monarch as well.
“Mark my words Husky, it's only a matta of time before they fuckin'.”
“Nope, not going there,” Husk slung his towel over his shoulder and began to put glasses away.
Angel sipped his mimosa and smiled. He wasn't wrong. Those two would either kill each other or end up in bed. Considering how neither of them wanted to upset Charlie, Angel was placing his bets on bed.
Lucifer peered over Alastor's shoulder. Lucifer didn't take Alastor for the type to read the funnies. He snorted at a picture of an imp who'd 'accidentally' spilled paint over his superior officer. Lucifer nearly protested when Alastor turned the page. He wasn't done reading that! He just hissed to himself though, he was supposed to be being sneaky, if he protested then Alastor would know he was here.
There was a bumper crop of pumpkins in the Wrath Ring and there was going to be a boar hunt to celebrate. What boar hunting and pumpkins had to do with each other Lucifer had no idea.
There was a new Overlord in the downtown district. Perhaps this one would survive long enough to actually matter now that the exterminations had been put on hold. Only the insane would try to take over territory so near the embassy.
Wait, wasn't he supposed to sign off on that sort of thing? He wasn't sure... If he was he hadn't done it. Oh, well.
There was something about an imp trial...
“SATAN SAID WHAT!!!” Lucifer shouted. Causing Alastor's ears to pin back.
“Sire, if you're going to read over my shoulder, do desist in your outbursts. The hissing and gigging is bad enough, but I must draw a line at shouting.”
“Oh,” So much for being sneaky...
Lucifer poofed into being in front of Alastor. He leaned on his apple cane and tried his best to look nonchalant.
“How accurate is that paper?”
“I find it to be as unbiased as a paper in Hell can be. It's not controlled by any one group and has been very keen on keeping its reputation. If you are looking for gossip might I suggest Canal of Intelligence,” Alastor nodded to the paper on the coffee table. “It's a gossip rag in the guise of a paper. Still, one might glean some useful intel from it. I understand you're playing at spy today, perhaps it would suit.” Alastor answered him without even looking up. Rude.
Lucifer shifted from hoof to hoof. “Maybe I will!” Lucky deer. Today would not be the day for smiting. It seemed he had something else to focus on.
He picked up the paper and plopped down in the overstuffed armchair that shared Alastor's coffee table. He scooted backward in the seat and pulled his legs up crisscross applesauce. He manifested a cup of coffee from the kitchen, heavy on sweet cream and sugar.
He glanced through the paper. It was mostly nonsense. Why would he care if a Goetia was boinking an Imp? Oh, the imp was the one on trial... Huh. So this was the hot goss, who was ducking who? Though, this paper also mentioned Satan's quote...
“Blast,” Lucifer muttered. “Take a seven-year sabbatical and people get full of themselves.”
“Of that, we can agree,” Alastor nodded. “The amount of riffraff that think just because you're gone for a bit means that you've become weak...” Alastor turned the page of his paper and sipped his coffee. Why did he get a special mug when Lucifer's was just white with the hotel logo?
“I KNOW!” Lucifer leaned forward kicking his hooves out and stretching. Shapeshifting had a tendency to make the muscles bunch up leaving them a bit achy. Nothing a bit of stretching and some angelic healing wouldn't put to rights. His coffee floated to the table as he bent back and forth in the chair.
“When did that paper say that boar hunt was?” Lucifer asked.
“Today, this evening.”
“It's been a while since I hunted. Since before Char was born... it probably hasn't changed much.”
“The concept, no, but the mechanics have likely changed. The paper doesn't say anything about hunting with sticks.”
Lucifer let that process a bit, “Hey! I'm ageless, not old!”
Alastor sipped his coffee and finally looked up at Lucifer. “Hummm.”
“I'm not! I'll have you know that I am a remarkable shot!”
That got the deer's interest.
“Ah, so we do have something in common then. I too have been known to hit my mark.”
“You hunt?” Lucifer asked him.
“I do. My choice of prey has changed, and I prefer my own hands when rending. However, if I am going to be wanting to keep the hide, so to speak, I use my rifle.”
“Oh, you shoot with a gun!” Lucifer nodded. “It's not your fault. Don't be upset about it.”
“I beg your pardon?” The ears on the deer's ears twitched and there was a sharp static pop.
“Everyone knows that real hunters use bows is all. Not your fault, Bambi.”
“I'll have you know that my Springfield can outshoot anyone with a bow!”
“Doubt it. They're so noisy, shoot once and all the prey runs away.”
“At least a bullet gets the job done, no need for a second shot.”
“Oh, I never need a second shot... HEY!” Lucifer had a brilliant idea. One that would enable him to keep an eye on the asshole and cause Satan all sorts of headaches. He just needed to goad the deer a bit. “Wanna make a bet?”
“A wager? I'm assuming you'd like to prove who's the better hunter?”
“Something like that. I'm going to crash Satan's little party. I'll take you with me as a plus one. My bow against your rifle. Whoever has the best kill wins!”
“Sire, I can not go to Wrath.”
“Sure you can, you just need a passport. I think I still have the forms somewhere...” Lucifer wondered where he'd put them. It had been... well a really long time since he'd signed off on a passport for a sinner.
“I'm sorry, what!” Angel hopped off his bar stool and came over. “You're tellin' us that alls we need is a passport and we can travel to the other rings? I can go to Lust!?”
Huh? Lucifer looked at the spider. “Well, duh? How do you think the other citizens of the other rings get around? They apply for passports, visas that sort of thing.”
“Why are yous actin' like this is common knowledge!? Everyone knows a sinner can't travel the rings!” Angel put all four hands on his hips.
“Because no one had applied for a passport...” Lucifer argued. “I'd know, I'm the one who has to sign off on them.”
Alastor and Angel looked at him as if he'd sprouted a second head. Maybe he had? He patted his shoulder just to be certain. You never knew, sometimes shapeshifting went a bit wonky when he was sleepy or too caffeinated.
“Sooo how do you apply for a passport?” Angel asked.
“You fill out the forms. Your district Overlord should have them,” Lucifer pointed at Alastor, “I know I handed them out at some point... It was before I stopped going to the meetings. You're an Overlord...shouldn't you know this already?” Lucifer looked at Alastor.
“I've never heard of such a system,” Alastor shook his head. “And Rosie would have mentioned it if she knew.”
“Ok, so let me see...” Lucifer thought about his office in the palace. The secondary rooms, the file cabinet. Suddenly, he was holding a bit of papyrus. Oh, it had been a while.
“Uh, this is the form. I guess I should update it a bit? It's in Enochian.”
Lucifer looked at the papyrus then manifested a laptop. “One moment while I update this. I don't suppose either of you speaks Latin? What's the most common language now? Mandarin? Spanish? Never mind, can't do magic with those. No, it's best to keep it Enochian. I'll just have to add some translation script.” Lucifer began to type and a new document took shape.
“Ya knows,” Angel sat down and crossed his long legs. “I've always wondered how that worked. Why can I understand someone from Russia, it's like wes all speaking the same thing, but when we try and write something down it's nonsense.”
“I've been told that it's the magic of Hell,” Alastor stated. “Though, the written history is a bit vague.”
“Sort of,” Lucifer muttered. He was playing a little loosey-goosey with the verb translation, but hopefully, only he'd notice. “The Tower of Babel, thing.”
“That was real?” Angel asked.
“Oh, ya. Heaven got really upset when they saw humans working together to create Babilim. It wasn't a tower, but a magical gate. The Gate of God. They destroyed the gate and messed with the human's brains so that they'd be unable to work that sort of magic again. Then like they always do, they dumped the entire thing here leaving me to deal with it.'
“Well, I enchanted the stupid thing to act as a universal translator. Ever wonder why you lot can use magic down here, but up there you can't? Well, it's because you're all actually speaking the original human language, Akashic. Couldn't get it to work on written records though.”
He removed the section about fealty to the Sin in which they were traveling. Get stuck in Wrath when a Wrath war broke out, and suddenly you were conscripted. He added occupation, soul status, and possible dependents to the form.
He looked it over and then had a very sneaky thought. Some would say it was intrusive even, but never say he wasn't one to indulge in impulsive intrusive thoughts. He added the clause in Enochian, failed to give the translation, and then chuckled to himself. He was the Devil after all.
He waved his hand and a printer appeared on the coffee table and began to shoot out copies of the form. Three pages of questions, staple, rotate, three pages, staple, rotate. Super handy, he was glad he modified it. It had sucked hand-stapling everything.
He picked up a stapled form and passed it to Alastor, then another one to Angel.
“Fill these out. Normally, you'd have to mail them in and I'd review them.” When was the last time he checked his mail? That was a future Lucifer problem, current Lucifer was keeping watch over a certain Radio Demon. If some of the questions were a bit personal... welp... that was between him and his laptop. He'd never use personal info for nefarious scheming reasons...nope. HA!
“Preferences for undergarments?” Angel said, looking at the form with a cocked eyebrow.
“It's a required question for Lust. Ozzie's people petitioned to have it added after a few of them ended up dead in Envy and returned dressed in cassocks.”
“That correlates, note the following question of burial preferences,” Alastor pointed out. “However, I do not understand why this is apropos to a sinner passport.”
“It's standard. You may not realize it living in Pride, but we have the highest mortality rate. Someone visiting from another ring needs to be well aware of the risk if they are to travel here. Hellborn don't respawn like sinners. Keep in mind that there are beings out there that can permanently kill sinners. The Sins, for example. It's also not as if Pride has a monopoly on angelic steel either. You could get stabbed in the back in Greed and that's it, double dead.”
Angel nodded and took the form back to the bar. He borrowed a pen from Husk and began to fill it out.
Alastor, on the other hand, took his time, he read, then re-read the form, before he manifested a pen. Instead of filling it out, he began to write something in the margins. Lucifer was dying to find out what it was but didn't want to seem overly curious. Instead, he began stacking the forms on the table. He'd set it up to print 100.
“I think this might be a good selling point for the hotel...” Lucifer muttered. “I mean if I'm to understand that no one from Pride has a passport anymore, then we can make it an incentive? I wonder if Char would like that? You lot can go on field trips, perhaps learn how normal denizens of Hell live.”
He picked up the form and stood. “I think I'll run this by Char...”
“We never settled on terms,” Alastor said still scribbling.
“Terms?” Lucifer turned and looked down at the demon. If he tried to get a little peak at the scribbles, well it was because he could.
“Of the bet.”
“Oh!” Lucifer had NOT forgotten about the bet, or that he'd sort of promised to crash a hunting party with the demon. “Nothing crazy, I think. Winner takes the other for dinner? Or maybe, pay for a spa day, a new suit? Something like that.”
“Boring bets like that would induce me to stay in my room and nap. Think of something better.”
“Uh, ok.” Lucifer nodded. “I'll think of something. Have the form filled out by 3. I'll process it, then I'll need to get your picture...” There was a burst of static. “Don't have a fit, all passports require a picture and a blood seal,” Lucifer scolded the demon.
“If it is necessary...”
“It is.”
“Tch,” Alastor clicked his tongue.
Lucifer waited a bit more, but when there wasn't anything else he wandered away to find Char. He hoped this new idea was helpful. He liked being helpful to his baby! He'd even tell her about his sneaky little clause! Hopefully, she'd be fully on board. He stepped into a portal of sparkling red and gold.
Don't make a contract with the Devil and expect nothing in return!
“Can you make out what part of this he was muttering about?” Angel asked Alastor taking the seat Lucifer vacated.
“Humm, I believe it's this bit here,” he pointed to a bit of script that seemed longer than the translation.
“I don't think Short King would do anything really bad,” Angel sighed looking at the form.
“This word here seems to be supersedes. By signing, something supersedes... This is like working on a cipher. He's given us an index of Enochian. I should be able to work out some of this in time. Of course you can always just sign it and see what happens.” Alastor looked up and lifted his eyebrow.
“Ya, did that once, it didn't turn out so great, and I even read that one.” Angel leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms.
“You said yourself that you didn't think Lucifer would do anything nefarious.”
“I don't think Charlie would allow her dad to do anything bad either... I trust Charlie...” Angel frowned at the paper. Then sighed, “I feel like this is one of her trust exercises.”
“Good news, it doesn't go into effect until Lucifer enacts the blood contract. That's Lucifer's name here, I think. This word is contract and he mentioned a blood seal. So we can sign this and not suffer any consequence until Lucifer puts the blood seal into play. He's gone to speak to Charlie, he'll show her this. While our princess is naive. She's not so gullible not to read it.”
“Think she can read it?” Angel asked.
“Royalty of all Rings know the magical languages, Angel. It's one of the reasons they've stayed in power so long. Lucifer was correct in that humans can learn the languages, which is why we are higher in the hierarchy than Hellborn, who can't. They can use magic, but it has to be... Ah! That's this word!” Alastor muttered and began to scribble again.
“Has to be what?”
“Pardon?” Alastor looked up from his translation.
“You said Hellborn can use magic but it has to be... what?”
“Oh, it's typically borrowed from someone via a conduit of some sort. Item, that's this word here. I gather that the passport physically will act as a magical conduit so that the sinner may travel between rings, but that also means that the conduit granter will be able to track the conduit.”
“So Lucifer can keep track of all the passports, that makes sense.”
“It does,” Alastor nodded. “Which is why blood must be used.”
“Are you going to sign it?”
“Absolutely,” Alastor answered.
“Even though you know that Lucifer is planning something?”
“Of course.” Alastor picked up his pen and signed. Angel watched then shrugged his shoulders and signed his paper too. “I'm looking forward to what sort of shenanigans the Little King has up his sleeve. Besides, it's probably something very silly.”
Chapter 2
Summary:
Poor ducky messed up. But it works out... sort of. Lucifer promotes Alastor to Moat Gator.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 2
“Dad...” Charlie was aghast. Was that the right term? It certainly wasn't happy, or was it? He just couldn't figure out what his little star was feeling. He brought his hand up to his hat and tugged the brim down. Somehow he'd screwed up. Story of his life really. He was such a big colossal screw-up, it was more surprising she was even still sitting across from him, talking to him. Would this be the moment when she realized he wasn't worth it?
No, that was a negative thought. Sharlanda had told him about those. He was worthy of someone talking to him! Really, he was...
The cookies and tea he'd put on the table were untouched. She wasn't in any mood for tea time. He really had thought he'd done something good and had manifested snacks to celebrate, but his baby ignored the unicorn-shaped cookies. Poor cookies, his messing up wasn't their fault.
“Uh, I thought it was a good idea, but I can do whatever you need to...” He'd do whatever it took to make this better.
“You already gave one of these to Angel?” She asked waving the application in the air.
“Ya, and to Alastor too.” She took a deep breath and put the papers on the coffee table.
“Alastor isn't going to just sign this without knowing exactly what it says. I'm not worried about him. Dad, I'm worried about you taking on this burden.”
“Burden?” Lucifer frowned. He had a big cosmic closet it's not like a few extra boxes would crowd things. “Did you read it right? I know your mother was in charge of teaching you...”
“This contract supersedes all other contracts entered into by the petitioner. That the guarantor, that's you Dad, takes over the contracts. The guarantor will be responsible for the alteration and negation of all contracts, deals, favors, magical promises, magical items ect held by the petitioner,” she quoted.
“Yep, that's right. All deals with the Devil always take precedence over anything else. Well, except a deal with Dad, I guess.” See, big cosmic closet. He was so proud of his little girl for understanding it, Enochian was a bit tricky even for a native speaker.
“Dad, Angel has a contract for his soul. If he signs this then...”
“I own his soul. I can do with his contract as I see fit and his Overlord can't say boo about it because I'm King. I thought you'd like this Char. I really don't see how a person's soul can be redeemed if they don't have full autonomy over it.”
“Dad... Can you even break a contract like that?”
“Yep. I never liked this soul-bargaining nonsense anyway, but as soon as sinners started dropping down here, they started selling off their souls. Some of them even sold their souls before they died! Can you believe that!”
“No, I know about that...”
“This way, your residents will be giving me control over their souls. What I do is keep them in trust so that they don't relapse and try to sell it off again. They will be free of their contracts and will be free to redeem the heckin' heck out of themselves!”
“I'm glad you're so enthusiastic, Dad, but... I'm just not certain if this is the right way to go about it. I don't think we should be tricking people into this. Perhaps if we can make the contract negation a part of signing up for the hotel?”
“Char, sinners are nothing but opportunistic. If they knew there was an easy way out of their shitty deals they'd come in droves, but not for the right reasons.”
“This is lying...”
“Nope, it's right there in black in white. They can choose to sign or not. We won't be forcing anyone. It's not a lie.”
“Lying by omission is still lying, Dad.”
“I didn't omit anything!” Lucifer protested. This was not going how he'd thought it would.
“This is the equivalent of selling your soul to the devil for a passport!”
“I thought it was kinda funny at the time...”
“Daaaad...”
“Hun.”
Lucifer started. He'd forgotten that Char's girlfriend was present. Had she been there the entire time? He blinked at her, maybe he could learn something from her about being sneaky...
“Sneaky?” Char asked.
“Huh?” Lucifer turned back to her.
“You said sneaky.”
“I did?”
“Yes.”
“Hun, I think your dad is right, sorta.”
“Really!?” Lucifer beamed at Maggie, no Vaggie. Go team fallen angel!
“I also think Char has a point. You shouldn't add this clause in Angelese, when no one down here can read it. Not without a real translation.”
“It's Enochian... older than Angelese.”
“Besides the point,” She waved her hand. “Your dad is right that we want people to come to us because they really want to be redeemed, not for his contract overwriting. You are right because not being upfront about it goes against what we are trying to teach. There has to be a middle ground.”
Middle ground... “Uh, maybe make it temporary? As long as the sinner is living here? No, that won't work...” He could just picture the droves of sinners that would show up in order to mooch off his daughter's goodwill. He'd end up blasting most of them into dust and his baby wouldn't like that.
“Maybe we can make up a new contract. One that states outright that as long as the guest is actively striving to be a better person, that you hold all their contracts in trust? If they choose to leave, then all contracts are back in play.”
Lucifer nodded, “I think I can...”
Lucifer was suddenly hit by a lightning strike of florescent green. While at the same time, a little sparkle of gold dusted his skin.
“What was that!” Vaggie exclaimed jumping up from her seat.
“Oh...oh no...” Charlie whispered bringing both her hands to her forehead.
“Uh, I think Alastor signed the paper. Angel too,” Lucifer felt along his power, yep, there they were... “The hell?” Lucifer frowned. Two souls... and connected to the one glowing green were other little smaller bargains...including a deal with...
“YOU MADE A DEAL WITH ALASTOR!” Lucifer shouted. He pulled that little spark of magic and replayed the spoken deal out loud. He listened to the proposal from that asshole and his daughter agreeing... He would turn the demon into a cockroach and send Niffty after him!
“It's just a favor, Dad. No one gets hurt.”
Lucifer scowled... it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Still, nope. Not his baby. Lucifer plucked the deal out of the cosmos and lit it on fire. Duck that shit.
Charlie gasped and held her chest.
“Dad!”
“What?” Lucifer looked at her. He hoped that didn't hurt too much. It had only been a small deal, there shouldn't have been a lot of magical blowback.
“You can't do that!”
“Uh, I just did?” Lucifer looked at the spot in the cosmic closet where the deal had been. Yep, he did.
The lights flickered at that moment and the building shook. Oh, Alastor had likely felt that too.
A shadow sped under the door and flew over the carpet, and suddenly Alastor popped into being. He stood right in front of Charlie. He reached out plucked her up out of her chair and started running his power over her. “Do forgive the intrusion. Are you well? Not harmed? Goodness, child, I thought for a moment you'd perished.” Her hair began to stick up in an alarming way with how much static she was being surrounded by. One of her hair ties snapped and hit Lucifer in the chest.
“Alastor, I'm fine.” She patted his arm as he spun her around and began to run his power over her back. This time he covered her in shadows making her look sort of sepia-toned.
“Not the case, something is very wrong. Not fine! I can't feel you anymore.”
The way the Radio Demon was acting wasn't what Lucifer had expected. It almost seemed as if the asshole cared.
“Uh, well. You see Dad sort of...”
“I negated your deal with her,” Lucifer said.
Alastor stopped pushing static and shadow onto Charlie and his head snapped around to look at him. His eyes went all radio dial and his voice took on an even deeper staticy overlay.
“You negated the deal...”
“I did.”
“How am I supposed to keep track of her if I don't have a deal in place!” Alastor waved his hand back over Charlie righting her appearance.
“Keep track of?” Charlie asked.
“Use a phone like a normal person!” Lucifer huffed. Was this asshole really worried?
“You're going to sit there and tell me you don't have the means to make sure your daughter stays hearty and healthy.”
“No, I do.” Well, shit. It seemed as if the stupidly tall Overlord had decided at some point to play knight to Char's princess. Wait, something felt off about that analogy... Vaggie was the knight?
“Dad!” Char protested bringing Lucifer out of his thoughts before he could start imagining moat gators.
“She's my daughter. Dad privilege.”
“I can't keep her safe if I don't know she's in danger!” Alastor argued.
“Awee, Al!” Charlie reached out and tried to hug him, but Alastor sidestepped around the table to bend down and lord his height over Lucifer.
“I'm here now, no need.”
“Dad!”
“Every need! How can we trust our hope to someone so scatter-witted as you!”
“Then do it the normal way!” Hope, this asshole had called his baby our hope. No, he wouldn't be swayed. He was still a homicidal dick-wad. Even if he did have good taste and judgment in daughters.
“This is how I know how to do it!”
“It's not hard!” Lucifer stood up manifested a pen and began to write on the back of the application that Char had put down. It actually was a very complex spell, but considering that the Radio Demon was able to manifest objects and do something similar to teleport it should be right about his skill level.
“Look, you state the object or person...” Lucifer felt the tall Overlord loom over him as he drew out the spell that would allow for someone to keep track of something or someone's well-being. Alastor wouldn't be able to harm Charlie at all with this, but he'd be able to know the instant she was hurt or in danger. If the Radio Demon wanted to protect his baby, he'd allow it. It never hurt to add a few moat gators to the castle. Maybe the black knights would be eaten before they even got a chance to look at his princess.
“You don't have to work in the intent?” Alastor asked showing he had more than a passing knowledge of complex spell craft.
“No, the intent is the spell itself.”
“I don't need either of you to be tracking my health.”
““Yes, you do,”” they both echoed. Lucifer glanced over and noticed Vaggie watching how he created the spell.
“You don't have much magic, dear, but I can whip up something that you can both wear so that you can keep track of each other.” That would likely calm Char down a bit too.
“Thank you, Sir. Maybe bracelets?”
“Vaggie!”
“Sure,” Lucifer shrugged and created two golden bracelets out of starlight. One had a single pale amethyst the other a ruby. On the back of the gems, he engraved the spell, then connected the bracelets so that they'd be able to communicate with each other.
“Will these act as radios?” Alastor leaned over the bracelets dangling from Lucifer's hand. “I can feel their frequency exchange.”
“They're connected, yes,” Lucifer nodded. “They can act as walkie-talkies... but their main function is to be able to alert if the carrier of the other is in danger.”
“Cool,” Vaggie took the purple bracelet from him and held it up.
“Humm,” Alastor picked up the other bracelet. Then he closed his hand around it. There was a swirl of green and when he opened his hand a little emerald dangled from the chain's clasp. “All things radio are under my control. This is a rather convenient method I must say.” He turned around and snapped his fingers. In an instant, the bracelet was around Charlie's wrist. Alastor's ears swiveled. “Ah, I'm tuned in. Wonderful.”
“Why are none of you listening to me,” Charlie sighed and held out her wrist examining her bracelet.
“Babe, I like knowing that you're safe,” Vaggie wrapped the bracelet around her wrist but struggled a bit to get the thing hooked with one hand.
“Allow me,” Alastor stepped forward and got the bracelet closed without ever touching Vaggie's skin.
“Thank you.”
Alastor's ears swiveled again. He was likely picking up the exchanging frequencies between the bracelets.
“They are pretty, Dad... Alastor. Thank you.”
“No mind,” Alastor waved his hand. “I do apologize for bursting in. Don't go dying on me, My Dear. I'd be vexed. Well then, pardon me.”
Alastor made a move to melt into his shadow.
“Uh, wait!” Charlie stopped him. He paused, shadows swirling around his ankles.
“Yes?”
“Did you sign the passport papers?”
“Correct, as did our Angel Dust,” Alastor nodded.
“Well, shit,” Charlie swore.
The shadows around Alastor dissipated and he stepped forward. “Is something amiss, My Dear?”
“Sorta? Maybe?” Charlie glanced at Lucifer.
“They just signed the paper, Char. I haven't accepted the contracts yet. I can see them, but...”
“What do you mean?” Alastor's ears flattened.
“A contract with the Devil supersedes all other contracts,” Lucifer shrugged. “Once I accept the forms then the contract is made and you and Angel will be given your passports.”
There was a small pop of static as Alastor stared at him.
“Explain further.”
“You signed the form. You've already begun the process.”
“That's not...” Alastor shook his head and then looked at Charlie.
“This contract supersedes all other contracts entered into by the petitioner. That the guarantor takes over the contracts. The guarantor will be responsible for the alteration and negation of all contracts, deals, favors, magical promises, magical items ect held by the petitioner. Dad is the guarantor. Deals with him are stronger.” His baby got right to the point. She was so bright and smart and able to melt sinners like they were butter on pancakes. Look at how she got the Radio Demon guarding her moat! Such a wonderful...
“All contracts...” Alastor turned back to Lucifer. His ears were pressed flat. Lucifer wasn't fluent in Deer Demonese, but that was likely a sign of distress.
“I thought it was a good idea at the time, but now we've sort of settled on a different method of power-washing a sinner's soul.”
“We were just talking about the possibility of a temporary version of this. Dad had some valid points, but we disagreed on the execution. He thinks that if people knew he could cancel out deals and contracts, they'd be coming here for the wrong reasons so he was trying to be sneaky about it.”
“That is...logical...” Alastor was still staring at Lucifer. What? Did he have a boogie? Lucifer brushed his nose with his sleeve. Alastor waved his hand and held up the form he'd filled out. “I've signed this, but it has not been processed. What does that mean?”
“I can see your contracts, and act on them if they have any conflict with other contracts I have in place. Like I did with Char. I've got my magic on her already so my magic already trumps whatever deal you made. I can do this with very little repercussion.'
“I could force a change or alteration to a contract that has nothing to do with me, but that's painful and not fun for anyone. There is a magical backfire if the contract is strong enough. I could accidentally poof someone out of existence if I forcefully break a soul contract for example.”
“In order to negate a deal that has been made, you must make a deal so that you can infect the deal holder with your magic.”
“Geeze, you make it sound like I'm a virus.”
“As of now, you can just see my deals. The only one you altered was Charlie's.”
“That's right,” Lucifer nodded.
“By processing this document it gives you domain over my contracts and deals.”
“Uh, yes.”
Alastor paused, then his ears popped up and he glanced at Charlie. “If Angel Dust's paperwork was processed, who would own his soul?”
Lucifer immediately understood that Alastor was not talking about Angel's soul.
“Technically, I would. Unless I negated the contract or altered it.”
There was a fizzle as the light bulb above them popped casting them all in darkness. Luckily there was enough light coming from the window.
“Dad proposed to hold souls in trust,” Charlie added also glancing up at the blown bulb. “To prevent someone from reselling their soul once they got it back.”
“I'd wipe the contract,” Lucifer paused. “In a case like Angel's, where he's forced to do things under the contract, that would stop. He'd regain his full autonomy. I'd park his soul on a cosmic shelf and just let it sit. He won't own the soul, but neither will anyone else.”
“You do. You own it.”
Lucifer shook his head. “Not if I destroy the contract. I'm not interested in owing souls, but if I wipe a contract I can put them in a sort of limbo-like space. Where the soul will sit until death or redeemed. If I don't negate the contract, or if I just alter it, then, yes, I do own the soul until I decide not to own it, I guess. That's where the temporary part comes in. While I own the soul no one can force the terms of their contracts. Angel wouldn't be forced to sell his services.”
“As long as he's trying for redemption, if he leaves then Dad can take back his magic and the contracts are valid again. Right?”
“That's right, Char Char, uh, well sorta. You see the ones Angel and Alastor signed don't have the caveat for temporary holdings. They'll be permanent. Even if Angel left I'd still have control if I don't negate it completely.”
“Dad, this is why we talk things out before acting!”
“No, you're right,” Lucifer held up his hands.
“Deal,” Alastor said shoving the paper he was holding under Lucifer's nose.
Lucifer went cross-eyed trying to focus.
“Al? We're going to rework the passport forms.”
“Deal,” Alastor growled and pressed the paper to Lucifer's chest.
Lucifer took the document from him slowly.
“You understand that I'll have control?” Lucifer asked. Why in Hell would Alastor be so willing to jump antlers first into his control? It made no sense...
“You are a far better deal, believe me.”
“You're certain? I can cancel this one out and we can get you to sign the...”
“NO!” Alastor's ears flattened. “I have no wish for redemption. I would not be able to sign a contract with you under those terms.”
Ah, that made a lot more sense. Lucifer held the document out. He skimmed it, Alastor had attempted to translate the Enochian. He hadn't done too bad a job, considering. He hadn't gone into signing this completely unaware that there was something afoot.
“Of course not, you talk to yourself,” Alastor commented.
“What?” Lucifer looked up.
“Nothing, sign the thing, and let's be done with it.”
“Al, if you have a deal you want to get out of we can talk something over...”
“The terms are already most favorable.”
“You are absolutely sure,” Lucifer asked again.
“Sign it!” Alastor flashed his teeth and his antlers elongated. Geeze, pissy deer.
Lucifer manifested a pen, and a small blade made of divine gold, far more potent than angelic steel and able to wound an archangel, or a former archangel in his case. He scratched his sigil, signed his name, then took off a glove and cut his finger with the blade. Gold blood dropped onto the sigil making it glow. “I need you to bleed on the sigil. Then smile for your picture.”
Alastor took off his glove and bit into his thumb. Dark, almost black blood, dripped onto the paper. Lucifer placed his hand over the bloody mark. He glanced at the demon and took a mental snapshot.
A dark-red leather-bound booklet popped into being. Lucifer picked it up and checked its contents. In the center of the page was a picture of the Radio Demon flashing his teeth menacingly. He looked ready to take a bite out of whoever was holding the little book. Great. No need to make the asshole look good in his picture. HA!
The copy of the application had already been filed away in the palace and Lucifer could feel the ebb and flow of Alastor's contracts pushing against his magic. Something about his contracts conflicted with something he had power over, but until he sat down to review them he wouldn't know what.
“Here. I'll review your contracts and we will speak about them later. As of right now, you're no longer bound by your deals.”
Alastor took the book and opened it. His ears were flicking about. Were those happy flicks, annoyed, was he hungry? Maybe he needed a snack. Not a peopley snack, a normal one. Did Radio Demons eat pudding?
“That's it?”
“That's it,” Lucifer confirmed. “Now, considering you're a cannibal there are other rules. Only eat people in self-defense while traveling. I don't want to have to deal with the sort of paperwork Satan would send my way. Got it?”
“Understood. Defensive anthropophagy only.”
“Do you still want to go hunting?”
“Hunting?” Charlie asked.
“The catalyst for this,” Alastor waved the passport, “was your father inviting me to go on a boar hunt with him in Wrath.”
Charlie squealed and hugged Lucifer. “Dad, I'm so glad you're making friends!”
There was another spark of static, but Alastor didn't say anything to dissuade his baby girl of her misunderstanding.
“Uh, friends... well... it's too soon for that.”
Charlie pulled away and looked down at him, “You're making an effort and that's important.”
Was it? He just wanted to keep an eye on the duplicitous deer and maybe get some pudding.
Notes:
Next Chapter: Alastor has a 'talk' with Lucifer.
Chapter 3
Summary:
Alastor meets Jeremey and defiles some pudding.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 3
He retreated to his room with his manifested snack pack, leaving Charlie to give the good (bad?) news to Angel. If the spider wanted out of his soul contract he'd be more than willing to negate it, as long as Angel swore to Lucifer never to sell his soul again. He wasn't willing to take Scout's honor, but Charlie had convinced him. Apparently, he had trust issues?
Na, not him. Betrayed by his family, friends, brothers, and recently even his wife...ex-wife... Nope, no trust issues here. There was obviously just something wrong with him that made people do the unthinkable. Well, he'd always considered those acts as unthinkable, but since someone thought them they were, in fact, thinkable.
That's probably why Satan said the things he did. There was something intrinsically wrong with him that triggered people into betrayal. Maybe it was the Devil thing? No, that didn't track, he hadn't been the Devil in the beginning. He'd been entirely innocent. He'd even be the first to admit that he hadn't understood the ramifications of his actions. Story of his life really. Acting without thought... Maybe that's why people didn't like him...
“DAD DAMMIT!” His wings flared out smacking either side of the hallway as a shadow popped up directly in front of him. His poor pudding splattered onto the hall carpet and all over the shadow man's shoes and pants. He had not been startled...nope.
“Bad Deer! No Cookie!” Lucifer scolded Alastor.
The tall man slowly blinked and his smile went a bit wonky. “I am going to choose to ignore that, Sire.” Alastor waved his hand and cleaned up the chocolate mess.
“Don't ignore me!” He'd get revenge for his pudding. Alastor: The Pudding Defiler was going to be trending as soon as he found his phone.
“Sire,” Alastor continued obviously planning to ignore him, “We need to discuss the terms of my soul contract.”
“What?” Lucifer looked up at him. It took a moment for him to process what Alastor had said. Luckily, Alastor was rather patient and waited while Lucifer's synapses kicked in. “Oh, I haven't had time to look at it. I can feel that there's something itchy against my magic though so that will have to be addressed.”
“Itchy...”
“Something within one of your contacts, not sure which one yet, goes counter to one of my own standing magics, also not sure which one. I need to look at them.”
“I see,” Alastor put both his hands behind his back and nodded. “Might I accompany you to your office so that we might discuss it?”
“Office...uh, um...” Lucifer didn't have an office set up at the hotel. He had one in the palace, but he wasn't too certain if it was fit for company. When was the last time he cleaned?
“Yes, I do feel I should be there to explain certain agreements.”
“Uh, why don't we go to my workroom instead? I think the office is supposed to be off-limits? Not sure? You might burst into flame if you crossed the threshold. Security...” Lucifer shrugged. He had put a ward or something on the office he was sure, but he'd canceled it when Charlie started walking. She really enjoyed setting his office on fire every time she visited. A few scorched onesies and he'd had to disable the system. Had he put the system back in place? He couldn't remember. Something else for future Lucifer to look into.
“That is agreeable,” Alastor nodded, but why was his smile twitching like that? “I would not wish to set my onesie on fire.”
“You wear onesies?” Lucifer did not want to know what sort of undies the perverse demon was into. Not that there was anything wrong with adult onesies, they were super comfy, and if you were just having a slovenly day perfectly acceptable to eat your cereal in.
Alastor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Ya, that tracked. It was a common reaction around him. “Sire, would you be so kind as to portal us both to your workroom?”
“OH! Right!” Lucifer nodded. He could do that, yep. He waved his hand and in a flash of gold and red glitter the portal opened. Lucifer hopped into it and he noticed that Alastor had to duck. Ha, tall bastard finally bowed his head to him!
He quickly did a spell that eliminated dust. It was all the cleaning he could do before Alastor straightened and began to look around the room.
“This is your bedroom...” Alastor's eyebrows pinched together as his gaze fell on Lucifer's crash-pad.
“No, that's just a bed to pass out on. This is my workroom.” Wasn't that obvious? The bed was small and shoved into a corner. Well, maybe not since he'd been exclusively sleeping there and not in his actual bedroom. He waved his hand and the bed made itself. Duck down duvet fluffing and covering the entire thing. Making the bed had disturbed his tower of ducks on the nightstand and they went toppling to the floor with sad little squeaks.
“Oh No! Duckington Tower!” Lucifer rushed up to the ducks and began to stack them again.
“There are a number of yellow... fowl,” Alastor commented walking over to his worktable to gaze down at his work-in-progress.
“Careful, Honk Solo shoots lasers and his gun is malfunctioning.”
“Ah...” Alastor stepped away from the desk. His gaze passed by a larger than normal duck that had its own little stuffed chair, glasses perched on his beak attached behind his head with a golden chain, and a clipboard by his side. “This one seems special.”
“Jeremy is my secretary. He's more than willing to listen if you need to have a talk,” Lucifer offered. Perhaps if the asshole had someone to talk to who wasn't judgey he'd be less of an asshole. Wait... that gave him an idea.
“I need to talk to Char!” Lucifer left the rest of Duckington Tower on the floor and moved to portal back to his baby.
“Sire, sit,” Alastor motioned to Lucifer's large rubber duck beanbag seat. He pulled Lucifer's desk chair to face the beanbag.
“'Kay, but not because you told me so.” Lucifer straddled his duck and leaned against its head with his arms crossed. Sir Drake was his favorite chair and he didn't want the Radio Demon sitting on him.
“Sire, we need to review my contracts. First, I'd like to state my appreciation for your discretion.”
“Well, if Char knew she'd be super upset and do something to help. Her help... well her heart is in the right place at least. She's really doing her best.”
“Ah, yes. Remind me to tell you about the debacle with Angel Dust's employer...”
If Lucifer had ears like Alastor's they'd be perked up and swiveling about. Instead, he had to control the little hisses his tongue made. Stop that, tongue.
“Did something happen?” Lucifer checked to make sure all his appendages were in the proper places. When had his tail popped out? No, bad tail. Back you get.
“Well, yes, something rather... unfortunate. Though, I believe I was given a sanitized version of the story. It shouldn't surprise you that she set his studio on fire.”
“She was upset enough to set things on fire! What happened!”
“I must clarify I do not know the full story. I can only gather impressions from my Shadow. Valentino did something to Charlie that triggered a disgust response. Touching was involved. If you wish to know the full story I suggest you ask Angel. He wasn't forthcoming with me. He was afraid of me, or his employer, I do not know.”
“Alright, Ok. Jeremy, make a note to talk to Angel,” He instructed his secretary. The itty bitty pen beside Jeremy's clipboard moved and scribbled down Lucifer's instructions.
“You've automated the duck?” Alastor glanced over at Jeremy.
“Jeremy,” he corrected. “He's similar to your shadow... not your constructs. That one there,” Lucifer pointed at a dark patch against the wall.
“Ah, so you noticed it's a bit different...”
“Well, duh. Good bit of spellwork there. Though, it's really not normal to chunk off a piece of your own soul to give it autonomy.”
“I can not take full credit I'm afraid. Its construction was mostly an accident stemming from an experiment. I was making an attempt to give a construct more control over the shadows so that it might act as guard. If I am being honest, I still do not know what precisely went wrong. You say it's my soul...” Alastor stared at his shadow and it gave him a wave from its spot on the wall.
“A chunk of it,” Lucifer nodded. “I think you did an Uno Reverse of the magic I used to make Char. She was created from my physical being, your shadow was created from your soul.”
Alastor's ears flattened and he slowly turned to look at him. “Explain.”
“Explain what?”
Alastor flashed his teeth. “Are you saying that Shadow is my child?”
“What? No. I said Uno Reverse!” Maybe the dumb deer needed a q-tip?
“What does that mean?”
“When you put the card down the order that you play in reverses?”
“Context, Sire. How is Shadow comparable to Charlie?”
“Ooooh.” Why didn't he ask outright? “I used magic to create life, sinners can't get pregnant and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is a sinner. Sooo a bit of wham bam alakazam and I mixed our physical traits and used magic to create and have a baby, my little Charlie. What I think you did was the opposite. You created a... I don't want to say copy...hum...” He tilted his head back and thought about it. “You know how if you cut a chunk off a starfish you get two starfish? It's sort of like that. There are now two of your souls. One is under contract and the other is over there.”
“I have two souls?”
“Yes, though your shadow soul is the lesser soul. No offense,” he addressed the shadow. It shrugged. “That is why I used 'chunk' not halved. It's less than half your soul, more like 1/3.”
“If you negate my soul contract will Shadow come back to my being?”
“No, at this point it's a fully autonomous entity on its own. Though you double die, it dies.'
“This is confusing,” he turned to the shadow. “Your name is Pete.” There was a scratch of static thick enough to make his hair stand on end. Ha, he was half tempted to reach out and shock the shit out of the pissy deer.
“You are not naming Shadow Pete...”
“It's short for Repeat...” He glanced at the shadow. It shook its head. “No?”
“Sire!”
“How about Slim Shady?”
“NO!”
“Mime?”
The shadow shook its head and then held both hands in front of its mouth. It mimed screaming then waved its hands so the shadow on the wall looked like a sideways ripple effect.
“Lucifer!”
“Ripple? No, that's not it...” The shadow moved the sideways ripple around and this time it was bigger and came back at the shadow. It cupped its hands over it's pointy ears.
“ECHO!” Lucifer slammed one hand into the other. The shadow, no Echo, gave two thumbs up. “Good job! I'm great at charades, we should play this with everyone else! You're on my team!”
“Echo?” Alastor glanced at his shadow.
“Awwe, your shadow kid's name is Echo. That's sweet.”
“It's not my... no... no... I am not getting derailed again. Stop that at once!” Alastor shouted at his shadow who was doing a happy hula dance.
While Alastor scolded Echo, Lucifer pulled out a copy of Alastor's soul contract. Huh, he didn't expect that. How the heck did she get the asshole to sign this? This was a really shitty deal. At first glance, he knew that this was the contract that made him itch, but after skimming it he couldn't figure out what part of it was itchy.
“Would you pay attention?” Alastor huffed.
“Can you afford it?”
“Afford?”
“For me to pay attention, I'm a rather costly sort of lawyer, you know.”
“Sire, we need to talk about my contract...” Alastor looked ready to rip something to shreds. Lucifer carefully scooted Sir Drake out of arm's reach.
“I'm reading it now, geeze you're so impatient. You should switch to decaf.”
Lucifer re-read the soul contract, then moved on to Alastor's other deals and contracts. Interestingly enough he only owned one soul.
“How did you manage to become an Overlord with just one soul contract?”
“Husk is a former Overlord, his contracts became mine...”
“Pyramid scheme? Huh, so that means...” Lucifer picked up Alastor's contract again and re-read it. “I'm just not seeing what is itchy about this contract. What made you sign such a one-sided deal? Your magic is being siphoned with this you know? Then there's this part about following orders... it's super sus. You can't talk about it, I think that's standard. No going against the machinations of the contract holder...is that the itchy part?” He muttered out loud.
“It was either sign it or die. By healing me, I...” Alastor's ears flattened. “Pardon, I am unused to being able to speak on these things. I would typically feel a great deal of pain and the chains would tighten.”
“I trump the contract...” he reminded him. He waited until the deer relaxed a bit. It seemed as if Alastor was waiting for some sort of punishment pain to zap him. If he wanted zapped Lucifer would oblige. He reached out and sent a spark of static into the deer's arm.
Alastor jumped and gave him a death glare.
“Oh, look at that, Jeremy!” Lucifer pointed to a particularly fluffy bit of pink cloud out the window.
Alastor flicked Lucifer's hat off, then made a fist and thumped him hard on his head.
“Owe!”
“PAY ATTENTION!”
“I was!” He was not pouting. It was the stupid deer's fault for not getting to the point.
“I was injured and she healed me. I signed the contract because I was unable to heal myself.”
“You split off Echo before you signed this didn't you?”
“Why yes?”
“You should thank Slim Shady over there.” He pointed to the shadow now sitting beside Jeremy. It was peeking over Jeremy's shoulder and reading his notes. Maybe, he was trying to take secretary lessons? Jeremy was an excellent secretary, the best duck to learn from. “Without Echo, you'd be up shit creek magically. This is one heck of a doozy among leeching contracts. I'm kinda impressed.”
“I am aware that my power is suctioned off. I am unaware of my shadow acting as any sort of barrier.”
“Oh, more of a massive dam rather than a barrier. Can't you feel it? The source of your magic?”
Alastor shook his head then swiveled his cute little fluffy ears. He was determined that at some point he'd get his hands on them. They were just too fluffy!
“Your specific magic is over electrostatic manipulation. Hence Radio Demon, but...”
“I can perform shadow magic... I've been able to manipulate shadows since before my death.”
“I figured as much. You've two magics. First, your original magic is Eldritch Shadow. Echo took on the majority of that magic when you cut him off. Second, your electrostatic manipulation, you gained that once you died. That's the magic that's being siphoned. They aren't able to use your shadows because a different 'soul' is the base of the magic.”
Alastor blinked at him, then nodded slowly. “That explains a lot actually.”
“Any idea why this contract is so itchy?” Lucifer held up the copy of the contract.
“Ah, that is what I wished to speak with you about. My orders are likely the cause of the discomfort. You see, I am obligated to spy on Charlie and report all information about her and the hotel.”
“Spy... you're a spy...” Well, he couldn't say he was very surprised.
“I would like to continue in my role as hotelier. I've become accustomed to life here and I would endeavor to remain.”
“You want to keep being a spy?” That wouldn't wash, not even with scrubbing bubbles.
Alastor thankfully shook his head. “Not in the way you think. They do not know that the contract has been superseded?”
“Well, you felt it when I canceled Charlie's deal. They will feel it when I cancel this one.”
“What if it wasn't canceled but changed?”
“They'd notice that too.”
“I had planned on feeding them false information, but if they'll feel the change then I must alter my tactics.”
“Right, so no spying.” He pulled out a new contract and began to doodle on it. He was assuming that the perpetually cranky demon would want his soul contract permanently negated. Lucifer wasn't going to do that without a new contract in place. Alastor didn't protest, it seemed as if he'd been expecting it. “You won't be able to harm Char Char or the hotel...”
“I can not agree to that wording, Sire.”
Lucifer paused and looked up. This slimy... He should have smote him an hour ago cute ears or not.
“You see, sometimes I find myself in the position to educate her on hard truths. This hurts her, but it's for her own good. I also might find myself harming the hotel in the defense of it. So, we have to reword it. I will swear not to act against Charlie's or the hotel's best interests.”
“Who gets to decide what 'best interests' is?”
“I do. However, I am willing to add a punishment clause. If it comes to pass that my actions are later deemed not in the best interests of Charlie or the hotel you may enact a suitable punishment. Killing or maiming are not considered suitable nor will you put me in a position of deprivation.”
“That sounds a lot like the contract you have with Husker.”
“Correct.”
“You do know that he can get out of his contract?”
“I'm aware. I purposely worded it that way. I never wanted Husker's soul. He was just such an insufferable asshole that I thought I'd teach him a lesson. He has yet to learn that lesson, but being here at the hotel has given him some insight on how an Overlord should treat those under him. He very nearly ended up on my broadcast, but I determined that his crimes weren't quite as horrendous as some of the other Overlords. When he tried to take my soul... that's when I'd had enough of his arrogance.”
“If he gets out of his contract, you won't be an Overlord anymore.”
“I never wanted to be an Overlord. I don't see the point. Noblesse oblige, has fallen by the wayside. You don't have to be an Overlord to protect those under your power if you're strong enough.”
He wondered if Alastor had ever heard of Spiderman. Seemed that the deer had some principles in common. Comparing a cannibalistic serial killer to a beloved superhero seemed really...off? Huh... well they were in Hell? Maybe it tracked? He'd talk it over with Sharlanda.
Lucifer wrote the contract. He based it heavily on the one Alastor had with Husker. He didn't give Alastor such an easy out though. Lucifer left out any clauses about following orders. Other than keeping Charlie and the hotel as his top priority Alastor was given most of his freedom and power back, in exchange for Lucifer putting Alastor's soul in a box then in the closet and forgetting it. Soul? What soul? No souls sitting beside his favorite boots... nope. Just in case he wrapped a starlight scarf around the box and then scribbled a cartoon deer on the top of the box. Didn't want to accidentally toss it out when closet cleaning. The deer would probably get upset if Lucifer donated his soul to BadWill.
Lucifer didn't have any interest in holding souls, but he wasn't stupid enough to just give the asshole daughter stealer back everything. Still, and perhaps this was the angel in him, he did give Alastor an out, he just didn't tell the deer about it. The odds that the homicidal maniac would be willing to give his entire body and soul to someone else was just as likely as being hit by a meteorite in Hell.
Notes:
Next chapter, Luci scolds Satan.
I am attempting to keep WHO Alastor had a soul contract with vague. IYKYK. I could have taken creative license and just made a random hold his contract. But it didn't flow as well as just keeping it vague.
I got the idea of Husk's contract from Peace of Mind by SleepyMorning.
Chapter 4
Summary:
Luci gives satan a scolding and we find out a bit more about why Luci is just a little off.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 4
“Have to get the timing right,” Lucifer hissed. He stood next to Alastor and Echo and watched as Satan gave a long-winded speech.
“Sire... I believe the cat may be out of the bag.”
Lucifer looked up, and up, at the damnably tall shithead. “Why would you say that?”
“Other than everyone around us looking at you?” Alastor glanced around at the surrounding imps all of them were ignoring Satan and watching Lucifer.
“Uh?” Lucifer looked around. The deer may, just may, be right. They did stick out a bit. “Aren't they looking at you?”
“As the first sinner to step into another ring in eons, I dare say it is causing a bit of a stir.”
Another poor imp swore as their cellphone was blown up by Echo. Echo gave the imp the double bird. Alastor had already warned those closest not to try and take a picture... so their fault.
“I haven't used the Hellevator in years! It was boring, but I'm glad I did it. It's changed a lot from the bucket and string method. The portals I put in place seem to be functioning just the same, so go me!”
“We may have broken the poor customs agent.”
“That wasn't me, it was you.”
“I believe it was both of us, Sire. Also, you may want to pay attention. Satan's noticed you.”
“Huh?” Lucifer looked around again and then up at the stage where Satan had gone silent.
“He asked why you're here,” Alastor whispered.
“Right! Come on Bambi, let's make an entrance!” Lucifer grabbed Alastor's wrist which caused every cellphone in the vicinity to spark and produce black smoke.
He pulled the deer along his magic and they popped up on stage right in front of Satan. Alastor's static was still going haywire and it caused the microphone to squeal with feedback and the entire crowd slapped their hands over their ears at the noise.
“HEY BITCH!” Lucifer said loudly looking up at the stupidly buff lizard. All brawn little brain... that was Satan.
“Sire, you may want to refrain from insults this early.”
“Huh?” Lucifer turned to Alastor, realized he still had his wrist, then dropped it.
“Lucifer...”
Satan looked pissed, was it because he had been holding onto Alastor? Did Satan need a hug? Well, never say he wasn't a kind king. Lucifer wrapped his arms around Satan's arm. There, now the absurdly big guy should feel better. Wait, he wasn't supposed to be making him feel better. He was mad at him!
Alastor sighed and shook his head, “Salutations, I am Alastor, the Radio Demon.” He manifested his microphone cane and spoke into it. He had fried Satan's so maybe he'd share? “No, Sire, I do not share...” Weird, Alastor could read minds! Was it because he got his power back?
“Lucifer... are you alright?” Satan asked. This time frowning. “Did you do a memory cleanse without help?”
“He's just like that now,” Alastor explained.
“Like what?” Lucifer looked between the both of them. He wasn't going to admit to doing several memory cleanses, well sort of. He'd just stored his hard feelings in Lulu Duck. That duck went mysteriously missing... maybe he should look for it? Na, he didn't feel like facing those demons anytime soon.
“You wished to address Satan about what you read in this morning's paper...” Alastor urged.
“Right!” Lucifer let go of Satan's arm and put both his hands on his hips. That would show his disapproval. “What is this about being here before me? Hum? Seriously, Satan, I changed your nappies, and let me tell you it wasn't pleasant. I think you've gotten a little too big for your britches young man! So... you're grounded. No maiming for... let's see... how about no maiming for the next year!” Lucifer shook his finger under Satan's nose. Smoke poured out of Satan's nostrils. Gross. Snot smoke.
“That's that part you took umbrage with?” Alastor hissed.
“Lucifer, I did not have nappies!”
“I was trying to be discreet. Do you want me to tell everyone that I had to litter-box train you?”
“You just did...” Alastor muttered. “Sire, perhaps we should take this to a more private venue?”
“Why? I've scolded him. Gave him his punishment. Now we can move on. I'm going to crush you! I know I can do better than you!” Ha! Stupid deer thought he'd be distracted from the hunt. Nope, not him. He was going to win!
“You'll be joining us?” Satan sighed and rubbed his snout.
“Al and I have a bet! I win he has to bow every time I enter the room!”
“Lucifer... you brought a sinner to Wrath... to hunt... for a bet?”
“Yep! Well, to tell you off too, but mostly for a bet. Have you properly been told off? Do I need to tell you off more?” He wasn't sure if he'd done the telling-off part right. He was out of practice. Last time he'd had to scold a Sin was because Mammon had tried to trademark apple. Nope, apples were his thing, thank you.
“No, that's not necessary. I only said that because Stolas was making my courtroom into musical theater. It was annoying.”
“Riiiiight,” Lucifer gave him the best stink eye he could muster.
“Are you participating in the pair hunting or individual?”
“Uh...” There were options?
“We'll be participating individually, but acting together. Does that suffice?” Alastor answered for them both. Good, that way he'd be able to keep an eye on the wily bastard. No wondering off to cheat!
Satan nodded and handed both of them bright orange lanyards. “Don't shoot anyone wearing one of these. I'll assign games keepers to each of you so don't bother with field-dressing. Tap the carcass with your card and it will register to you. All kills will be tallied up in three hours. Followed by the party.”
“Right!” Lucifer held up the lanyard. It had Satan's sigil stamped all over it. Sweet! He put it on and beamed down at the card dangling from it. “Ha! I'm authorized!”
“Don't go getting killed in Wrath... I don't want to deal with the paperwork.”
“Thanks, Buddy. You should pop up and visit Char and the hotel soon. She'd like to see you again, I'm sure.”
“Are you ok enough for company?”
“Ya, I've moved out of the palace and I'm living with her.”
“That's probably for the best. Let me know if you want to burn it to the ground, I'll bring marshmallows and gasoline.”
“It's Char's childhood home, not sure if she'd want me to do that... but I do need to start moving stuff out. There's just so much stuff! Not all of it will fit into the hotel, so I need to find somewhere else to toss it all.”
“I understand that many single dads use something called a storage unit?”
“Really? I'll look into that then.” Wow! Satan was super helpful. Did they have storage units in Pride?
“Might I make a suggestion?” Alastor sighed and rubbed his forehead. His cutesy-woosty ears were looking a bit droopy. They definitely needed a good scritching.
Both Sins looked at Alastor. “You're King. Kings don't use storage units...”
““They don't?”” Lucifer and Satan echoed each other.
“No Sire...Sir, they don't. However, I have an unused building on the edges of Cannibal Town that might suit. It's already warded and my reputation keeps ne'er-do-wells and vandals away. You could store your belongings there until you've found other accommodations for them.”
“Sooo a storage building?” That sounded better than a unit and Alastor did have a point about vandals. Didn't need sinners finding out about his collection of vintage rocks. That would be embarrassing, yeesh.
“Perhaps you could take some time to curate your items?” Alastor coughed.
“Oh, everything I don't need I can just leave. If She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ever shows up again she can deal with it. If Char wants the place then I can help her clear it out then.”
“I still recommend burning, but you always were one for unnecessary sentimentality,” Satan said. “But enough of this. Let's get this party underway shall we?”
“Heck ya!”
“That's 13 for me!” He stage whispered. He tapped the card dangling from the lanyard against the body of the female boar. It glowed gold. The minion imp assigned to Lucifer would be along shortly to collect it.
He could feel Alastor about two hundred yards to his right. The magic of their contract was a beacon that allowed Lucifer to keep track of him, even if he did like to wander off. He had to admit that Alastor was very light-footed in the forest. Maybe it was a deer thing? But no, he'd said he'd been hunting since before he died so some of it was likely just skill. What kind of weird irony was it that a hunter ended up becoming a deer demon?
There was a roar, that caused all the Inferno Crows to take flight. Then there was a bang and a death squeal. Rats! The blasted deer had gotten a big one.
He was still ahead and there were only ten minutes to go. There wouldn't be enough time for the deer to track and kill another boar. So he wins, heck ya! Lower your head to the king, ho ha!
Lucifer stood glaring at the monster the Alastor killed. It was a bronze-toned Colossus Boar, four times larger than the regular Hell Boars, and had tusks that would give even Lucifer a hard time if skewered by them. The stupid pig... why'd it have to go and try and eat the idiot deer? Noooo, it couldn't wait until the hunt was over for lunch. Stupid, ugly, fat, dumb, pig.
“You said and I quote 'whoever has the best kill wins.'”
“But I got more! By poundage, I win! And that's not a Hell Boar!”
“There were no stipulations on the breed of boar.”
“He's right about that,” Satan nodded he was just as excited about the Colossus Boar as Alastor. Stupid lizard. Stupid deer.
“I woooon!” He did not whine, he was just elongating his words to prove a point.
“Sorry, Luci, I gotta call this one for the sinner,” Satan shook his head.
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!” Maybe he could go into hiding? Use one of his clones?
“That won't do, Sire!” Blasted demon was gloating! “We had a gentleman's bet.”
“But I didn't looosee!”
“What did you bet anyway?” Satan asked.
“He wanted me to bow to him when I entered the room so I decided on something equally humiliating. Lucifer must dress, act, and fully take on the roll of the hotel's bellhop.”
“NOOOO!!!!!”
“It is a good thing we put time stipulations on both bets, you need only do it for the next week.”
“Stupid pig,” Lucifer kicked the bronze boar.
“Now Sire, don't be a sore loser.”
“Ugghhh!”
“Do you want the hide and tusks? If not I'd like to add it to my collection. This is a very fine specimen.”
“The hide, no. I'd like to keep the skull with the tusks attached.”
“No problem.”
“Would it be possible to have some of the meat sent to the hotel? I'm looking forward to making Mother's Jambalaya with premium product.”
“We can have it shipped up by tomorrow.”
“Splendid!” Alastor twirled his gun and it popped out of existence. His microphone replaced it and he leaned in towards Lucifer with a grin. Dumb, stupidly tall, asshole.
“Buck up Sire, we've grocery shopping to do!”
“What?”
“It's not as if I can hop between rings every day. Wrath has the best vegetables and it is a wonderful chance to get them fresh straight from the ground! If we're lucky they'll even have their dirt!”
“You... want to eat dirt?” Ok, so the deer wasn't just a stupid cheater, he was an oddball. It shouldn't be that surprising given his chosen go-to protein.
Alastor's cane came down and whacked him on the head. “Enough of that, I won't allow you to continue saying I cheat. I have never cheated.”
“Asshole!” Dammit, that smarted. Lucifer blinked up at him and rubbed his head. Hey, where'd his hat go? He'd had it in the Hellevator. Did he leave it there? Blast.
Alastor smirked and Echo popped up in front of Lucifer presenting his top hat with both shadowy appendages.
“Oh, thanks.” Echo was the good sort of shadow. Certainly better than the deer it was attached to.
“You won't be joining us for the party?” Satan asked.
“I feel we have already taken enough focus away from the festivities.”
“We're doing a pig roast tomorrow...”
“Distribute our share amongst the less fortunate. I'm sure not all farms had a good season and coming from farming stock myself, I sympathize.”
“Ya, the tomatoes got a blight early this year. The late summer crop is doing better, but that was a blow considering the deal we have with Greed. They really like their tomatoes down there.”
“I understand completely. Please make sure there are no hungry bellies this week at least. The one thing I will not stand is a starving child.” Alastor had the temerity to flash his teeth menacingly at Satan.
You had to give him credit, he had a large ego. Not only was he willing to smack the king, he was ready to threaten Satan. Wait, was this an example of chaotic good? Sharlanda had mentioned something like that. Was picking a fight in order to feed starving kids a good thing? Yes? No? Picking a fight with Satan was certainly stupid... no that tracked. Alastor was a stupid cheating dee...
Whap.
“Stop hitting me!”
“Desist on calling me a cheater!”
“Stop reading my mind!”
“No one has to read your mind when your thoughts are loud enough for everyone to hear!”
“Huh?” Were his thoughts too loud? Did thoughts have a volume button?
“Lucifer, perhaps you should go visit Bell?”
“He didn't hit me that hard. I'm fine! See, no lumps! Oh! Is that pumpkin pie?! Sign me up!”
He ignored both their stares and lined up behind an edgy-looking imp who immediately turned around to growl at him. Lucifer beamed, silly teenager, hormones are a bitch, right? Well, he wouldn't know, never went through the edgy phase himself...no wait... huh...
Alastor and Satan watched as Lucifer scared the shit out of a poor teenager. The muttering about hormones and comparing 'The Apple Incident' with an emo phase wasn't helping. He had magic, was the king, why did he line up for pie?
“Rest assured, Sir, that Charlie is in contact with Lady Belphegor.”
“What happened?”
“Lady Belphegor suspects that his long-term isolation brought this about. As you heard he separated his darker emotions from his being. I will look for this 'Lulu Duck' when we return. He's taken to talking out loud to just hear someone talking. He doesn't realize he's doing it, but pointing it out causes him distress. We have been told to just let him be until he comes to the point where he's ready to face the fact that Lilith is truly gone.'
“Also, Charlie has been tasked with slowly introducing Lucifer back into society. I have volunteered to accompany him.”
“Voluntold?”
“No,” Alastor shook his head.
“What do you get out of Luci-sitting?”
“I'm the first sinner to step foot in another ring in eons. Travel is typically considered a bonus to any job is it not?”
“Not in this case.”
“Ah. Any other reasons I have are personal.”
“I will destroy you.”
“I've been threatened with smiting nearly daily at this point. You are free to step in line.”
Alastor manifested a piece of pie from the table. He, on the other hand, was not going to stand in line.
The pie was super tasty! Yum! He grabbed two. One for him and... one for him. Alastor would assume the other pie was for him, but NO! HA! My pie. The stupid deer could go eat his dirt.
Grinning from ear to ear he sauntered up to Alastor and Satan, then he spotted something egregious.
“Stupid DEER!” Lucifer sputtered. The audacity! Lucifer took two huge steps back. “You CHEATED!” Lucifer glared at the pie in Alastor's hands.
Whap!
“Owe!” Lucifer looked around and spotted Echo standing behind him fist raised. “Traitor! You're off my team!”
Notes:
Next Chapter... Alastor meets Nurse Glenda: Leader of the Boo Boo Bandageupper Brigade and forces our dear deer to say thank you.
Chapter 5
Summary:
Lucifer introduces Alastor to Parker and Glenda.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 5
“Dad! Welcome back!” His brilliant sunshine greeted them both at the door.
“Char Char!” He scooped her up in a hug. Yep, hugging his daughter was better than hugging stupidly buff lizards.
“Did you have fun? How was Uncle Satan?”
Lucifer pulled away and turned to glare at Alastor... Then he pulled Charlie four steps back, then looked around for suspicious shadows.
“Alastor... cheated,” Lucifer flinched waiting for the blow to fall. Nope... No whacks this time.
“I did not, Sire. Satan himself declared me the winner by terms of our bet.”
“And he hit me!” Lucifer told on the stinky dirt-eating deer. His baby girl should have better taste in business partners if she's teaming up with someone who eats dirt!
“We went shopping for fresh vegetables. I will be making Mother's Jambalaya with fresh Colossus Boar meat tomorrow. Your uncle is having it sent in.”
“That sounds amazing, Al! I'm looking forward to it! It will be the perfect meal to celebrate!” Charlie beamed at them. “Angel wants to go through with the passport deal, Dad. He's beside himself with emotions right now, but I told him that you'd handle it first thing when you got back.”
“Ok, Sweetie! Whatever you want.” He shoved all his trust issues to the back of his closet. Unwanted issues need to stay in their hidey-holes.
“Do you need help unpacking the groceries?” She turned to ask Alastor.
“I have it well under control, My Dear.” He gave her a soft smile and his little shadow constructs appeared to take his baskets. Yes, the old-fashioned dirt-eater used hemp baskets with rope handles to grocery shop. Even Lucifer knew that people used recycled bags now! Reduce, Reuse, Recycle! Wait... the baskets weren't plastic so did that make the old-timey new again? Was Alastor accidentally hip? Dear Dad the scandal!
“Have you eaten? It was Angel's turn to make dinner, but he was so overcome that we decided to order out. There's Chinese. Peking duck...”
Gasp! NO!!! Not the Duck!! He hoped Jeremy didn't find out. He'd go on strike.
“Uh... right...” Charlie gave him a funny look. “There's also veggie lo-mein, sweet and sour pork, eggrolls, and fried rice.”
“We had pie!” Lucifer told her proudly. He'd fed himself! Heck ya. He was a functioning member of society! Look at how functioning he was!
“Pie is not sustenance, Sire.” Silly Radio Demon, if it went into the body it was food! Oh, but wait... hadn't he lived through the American Depression era? That would explain why he thought people and dirt were food. Poor thing, perhaps he should try and be a bit more understanding about the skinny guy's food hangups.
There was a screech of static and Charlie's hair ties snapped again. This time it got him in the cheek. His little girl had weaponized hair accessories, so cute!
“Uhhh, ok. So Dad, why don't you head up to Angel's room and get that passport started. I'll dish up some food for you to eat when you're done. Don't worry no duck.”
He hugged his precious star again. She was so thoughtful.
Humming Itsy-Bitsy Spider Lucifer fell face-first into Sir Drake. He was forgetting something. It probably wasn't important. Right?
Lucifer glanced down, yep he was dressed.
He'd bathed...yesterday... still good.
Teeth? He quickly did a spell to freshen his breath. There, done.
Yep, he was doing good. He'd even gone out today. A gold star day! Even if Alastor did cheat. He definitely was a stinky smelly cheater, no matter what Satan said.
Oh! Right! Damn... He'd been so caught up in fixing Angel's soul problem that he forgot to ask about what happened with Charlie and... it was something Italian... Vermicelli? That sounded right. He worked with Velveeta and... a blue Box. Were they doing some sort of mac and cheese themed thing? He was so great at remembering things.
“Jeremy, I need to see my list,” Lucifer said out loud. The little clipboard floated away from the duck and perched on the back of Sir Drake's head. Lucifer looked down at the list.
Spy on Alastor. Did that. Check. Lucifer picked up the tiny pen and crossed that one off.
4:30 with Sharlanda... oops. He'd have to apologize for missing his therapy appointment.
Clean room. He'd dusted. Did that count? He looked around... it wasn't too bad. Just a tad cluttered. Had he intended to clean the bedroom? He didn't use it for anything more than its closet. The bed was just too large... and empty... nope don't think about it. Next!
Give Charlie lots of hugs. Heck ya! He crossed that one off too.
Talk to Angel. He'd circle back to that one.
Get at least 4 hours of sleep. Oh... that one was always tough. His brain didn't like shutting down and when it did he dreamed...
“We'll just move that one to a maybe...”
He moved some things around so that he'd remember to do them tomorrow. The top of the list... irritate Alastor. Ha! Dumb deer thought he could get away with being a sneaky cheater just to win a bet.
“Oh, damn...”
Wear bellhop uniform. Went on the list. Blast. Stupid bet.
He would need a fitted waist-length double-breasted jacket with a band collar and a small round brimless cap. He could probably get away with wearing his usual pants and boots. He flipped the clipboard to a new page and did a quick sketch of what he needed.
“Off to see the tailor!” He said to Jeremy. Then he stood up and walked across the room to the floor-to-ceiling shelf that lined the entire wall.
“Parker! Lovely to see you again. How are the kids? Heard Bryce joined the Legion,” Lucifer addressed a stuffed rubber duck-shaped pin-cushion sitting high on his shelves. He had a pair of embroidery scissors tucked under one wing and his back was porcupined with all sorts of pins and needles. Parker was very into acupuncture.
“I've got a bit of a stitch. HA! Get it? Anyway... I need this jacket and hat by tomorrow morning. Think you can get it done?” Lucifer showed Parker the sketch and waited for his tailor's reply. “Wonderful. I'm thinking white with red apple embellishments!”
Lucifer waved his hand and a pile of white brocade fabric fell to the floor. Good thing he dusted. Red thread followed. He kindly picked up Parker and plopped him on top of the pile of fabric. Then he brought out Parker's little itty bitty sewing machine. Perfect!
“Jeremy, I'm back from the tailor. I added a few things to the list.” Lucifer tucked the little clipboard beside the duck. “Keep up the good work!”
Lucifer looked around. Now what?
He stepped up to this workbench and picked up Honk Solo. His gun wasn't functioning correctly and needed to be re-calibrated. Honk Solo would not be blamed for shooting first, no sir-ee-bub.
There was a knock at the door. Honk Solo fell from his hands and his gun went off shooting a little hole through the wall.
There was a knock...at his door! Ok. Alright! He could do this. Be normal. He was normal. NORMAL! Deep breath. In, out. Hee hee hoooo. Wait, that was Lamaze.
The knock sounded again. Oh, heckin' heck.
He swung the door open. “WAZZZ UP?”
Then he slammed the door shut again.
Alastor...why was Alastor at his door? Having someone visit his rooms twice in one day... it had to be a record.
There was another knock.
“Sire, you've forgotten your dinner.”
“Dinner...DINNER! Riiiight. Food! Not, duck!” He glanced at Jeremy.
“That is correct. Would you like for me to leave it in the hall or may I come in?”
Lucifer opened the door and stuck his head out. Alastor was holding a tray, a silver cloche-covered plate, and a pot of tea.
“You brought me dinner?”
“Yes. One needs fuel in order to function.”
“Actually, I sorta...don't?” Lucifer opened the door a bit more. The sweet and sour pork smelled amazing.
“Pardon?” Alastor's ears twitched.
“I don't need to eat. Or sleep. Or a lot of things actually. You could toss me in space and I'd just float around existing until existence ends. Though I do try to do those things because someone would go crazy if they didn't sleep for say... five years? Ya, I sleep now.”
“Wonderful. Might I come in?”
“Sure, ok, fine!” Lucifer turned around. “Jeremy, we have company...again!”
Alastor set the tray of food down on the coffee table. He removed the cloche and sent it away. Then he set out Lucifer's silverware and napkin.
Odd...why was Alastor doing this? There had to be a trick to it. He was a sneaky tricky... C-word. Lucifer's eyes flicked over to the deer, but Alastor's attention had been caught by Parker and his progress on Lucifer's new costume.
“What happened here?” Alastor asked walking over to the mass of fabric.
“That's Parker, my tailor. He's working on that bellhop uniform for me. He just started and look at how much progress he's made!” Lucifer applauded. Parker had decided to start on the hat and the itty bitty sewing machine was buzzing away forming the crown. At this point, the hat was larger than both Parker and the machine, but that's what made Parker the best tailor.
“How many ducks have you automated?”
“Shhhh!!!” Lucifer waved his hands. “Glenda is sensitive about it. He wasn't talking about you, Glenda... Oh, look. Echo and Parker made friends.”
Alastor's shadow was holding up the mass of fabric as Parker's scissors hacked away. He'd stopped his work on the hat temporarily so that he could get Echo's assistance with cutting out the pattern.
“And Glenda is?”
“Oh, her full title is Nurse Glenda: Leader of the Boo Boo Bandageupper Brigade. Let me introduce you!”
He went over to his shelf and pulled down a large yellow duck with a white nurse's uniform and a tiny little red pentagram on the center of her nurse's cap. She had a medical bag under one of her wings and a needle under the other.
“Glenda is always ready for a band-aide or a Hellbies shot, whatever you might need, just give her a call and she'll give medical care. The Brigade is ready and on standby for anything from lost limb to stubbed toe.” Lucifer set her gently on the coffee table. Glenda sometimes got motion sickness.
“Sire... how long have you had... a medical service available to the hotel?”
“Since I moved in.” Silly deer, wasn't that obvious? He was sure that by now the Brigade had passed out a few aspirin at least.
“Sire, when were you planning on telling the rest of us about such a service?”
“Uh... I didn't?” He could have sworn he had. If he hadn't done it, then it would still be on the list. “I told Charlie that all she has to do is call Glenda if she is needed.”
“Did you explain to her what or rather who Glenda was? She likely thought you meant someone on those infernal cellular phones.”
Oh...he hadn't thought of that.
“Sire, do these medical ducks work on their own? Say, if someone was grievously injured and unable to call, would the ducks still respond?”
“The Brigade can act without explicitly calling. Glenda here is an empath. She can feel a big boo-boo and act on 'implied consent'.”
Alastor ran his hands down his sides and his ears flattened.
“Then I need to thank you, Sire.”
“What?” He, Lucifer, was being thanked? Was it snowing outside? Lucifer glanced out the window... it didn't seem to be snowing. Perhaps it was just a chilly day in Hell?
“I didn't let it be known, but I was gravely wounded during my tussle with Adam. I was still injured and wasn't seeing any signs of healing when I returned to assure Charlie I was alive. I'd been working out a spell to seal the fissure. It was bound to be a long agonizing process. However, it was never required of me to finish the spell. The first night I passed out in this new hotel, I woke to find my wounds clean, bandaged, and well on their way to healing by my own regenerative powers. For a while now, I've suspected you noticed and broke into my room and healed me as you are the only being in this hotel who could work spell-craft better than my own.”
“Wasn't me... It was the Brigade.”
The stupid deer had been hurt and instead of asking for help like a sane person, he decided death would be best. Stupid, dumb, idiot, fluffy deer. Charlie accused him of having trust issues, he should make Alastor participate in the trust exercises she was fond of. Maybe he could get him to launch himself over the railing. Lucifer would not catch him, HA!
“You created this Brigade.”
“SHHHHHhhh!” Lucifer reached down and put his hands over Glenda's ears. “I told you she's sensitive!”
“Lucifer... fine... just eat your dinner. I'll endeavor to let Charlie know about Glenda Duck.”
“Nurse Glenda: Leader of the Boo Boo Bandageupper Brigade,” Lucifer corrected.
“I am not saying boo boo...”
“You just did!”
“Eat your dinner, Sire,” Alastor's pinched his sinuses.
“Not because you said so. It just smells good.” Lucifer settled in to eat. The pork was a tad dry from being reheated but was still tasty.
When Lucifer looked up, Alastor was no longer there. When had that happened? Why was everyone in the hotel sneakier than he was? It wasn't fair! He'd do better tomorrow. After all the first thing on his agenda was to irritate. Muhahhahaha.
He was the Devil after all!
Notes:
I'm gleefully writing a chapter where our duckie realizes he has to wash laundry! I'm cackling gleefully.
In the next chapter... Alastor is a naughty deer and our duckie is greedy for the fluffy.
Chapter Text
Chapter 6
Humming Itsy-Bitsy Spider Lucifer slowly dropped from the ceiling. Today would be the day he got his hands on those cutesy-wootsy fluff magnets! He was in super stealth mode! Itsy-Bitsy! No Devils to see here.
His eight legs wiggled in anticipation of landing on his target.
Ohhh, wooo there...
His excitement caused him to spin in a circle. Weeee.
Ok, let's re-focus on the target. Hey! Had Alastor moved? Blasted deer! Now he had to go back up to the ceiling and start again! Boo.
“What are they doin'?” Angel paused his talk with Husk about his new freshly unbound soul and watched as Lucifer squealed in delight spinning around in a circle above Alastor's head. Alastor shifted to the other side of the love-seat as their king giggled above him.
“Ignore it.” Husk wiped the condensation off the bar left over from Angel's mid-morning mimosa. Then he stuck a cardboard coaster under the glass.
“He was hummin' Itsy-Bitsy Spider last night too. I thought it was about me.”
“Could be he got this morning's annoyance idea from you. Ignore it.”
“Kinda hard when it's like that.” Angel nodded to where Lucifer was scurrying across the ceiling working out the best angle to drop down on Alastor. “Anyone else try to touch Smiles like that and we'd be on a one-way trip through his digestive tract.”
“Ignore it, and if you value your limbs don't comment on it.”
Angel smiled and sipped his cocktail. Perhaps Lucifer's obsession with the Radio Demon wasn't as one-sided as he originally thought. After all, Angel had seen the trending reports.
The Defiler of Pudding, was one heck of a kinky moniker if you asked him and it all stemmed back from Lucifer's social. Angel wondered what sort of shenanigans they had really gotten up to on their sojourn to Wrath. There were worse places to do the nasty than the woods. The beach was high on his list of the worst. Sand got everywhere and it took weeks to get it out of all his fur and crevices. Ya, the beach was the worst, but the woods would be in the top ten. Still, Alastor was a deer demon, he belonged in the woods? Sorta? Either way, something really salacious had happened, Angel was certain of it. How else would you explain why Alastor didn't just leave the room when Lucifer was acting silly?
“Ig-Nore It,” Husk enunciated passing Angel a glass of just OJ.
Weeeee.
Who would have thought being a spider was so much fun? It was almost as fun as flying, but you could work up more centripetal force and really get a good spin going.
Ok, focus, Lucifer. The goal is FLUFF!
Alastor shook out his paper and there was a light pop of static. Something must have irritated the antagonistic deer. What was he reading?
Lucifer dropped down a bit closer and got a look at the paper. Oh... HA! Served the stupid deer right for killing his pudding. Now everyone would know that Alastor wasn't to be trusted around pudding-based snacks. Revenge!
“There is an Overlord meeting this afternoon,” Alastor said.
Really? So he'd have to hurry up with Operation Snuggle Fluff.
There was another pop of static.
“While I am away, I would request that a certain king may stay close to the hotel to guard it from possible attack. I am concerned that with Angel's newfound freedom and with it being publicly known that the meeting is today, that Angel's ex-employer will arrive to start trouble.”
“You think Val will show up here?” Angel asked concern and just a hint of panic laced his voice. Lucifer watched as Angel put down his OJ and unconsciously hugged himself with all four arms.
“I do. Don't you?” Alastor addressed Angel across the room. “He's not the type to just let you go, now is he?”
“No. I guess not, but he's got no more power over me. So I don't have ta deal with his shit... right?” Angel glanced up. Was he looking at Lucifer? No, couldn't be. Lucifer was being SUUUPER sneaky today.
“That is correct, Angel,” Alastor answered. “However, that doesn't mean he won't try and cause trouble.”
“Can't ya skip the meetin'?” Angel sounded even more uncertain.
Silly spider! No stupid stinky Overlords were gonna bust up his baby's hotel while he was on duty! Or rough up the residents for that matter. He'd have to make it suuuuper duuuuper clear he would tolerate no harassment of the members of Hazbin. Maybe put up a sign? Yes, a sign was a good idea.
“Charlie has tasked me with informing the other Overlords about the Passport Initiative and the Redemptive Clemency Clause that will be going into effect. She's already at work setting up interviews. Interviews in which I believe she wishes our king to be present.”
Really? His baby wanted to do interviews with him! Woo hoo! Lucifer spun in a happy circle all eight legs wiggling.
“That's quick... How ya think the other Overlords are gonna react?”
“Poorly.”
“Well, good luck ta ya.”
“Your sentiments are appreciated.” Alastor leaned forward, placed the folded paper on the table, and stood up pressing the creases out of his jacket. “I should be heading out soon.”
Noooo!!!! Get back here his FLUFFY! Lucifer pouted at his missed opportunity.
'Beware of Moat Gator!'
'Legion on Duty!'
Lucifer had gone all out with the signs. He hand-painted them even! He'd manifested the materials, but the rest was all craftsmanship baby!
“Why's there a picture of a rubber duck with military goggles and a grenade launcher on that one?” Angel asked pointing to the 'Legion on Duty' sign.
The spider had stuck to Lucifer's side like a rouge angel hair noodle stuck to the bottom of the colander ever since the Radio Demon left. No worries! Lucifer would keep him safer than his favorite duckie socks. Wait, where were his duckie socks? He'd look for them later.
“I'm King. The King has guards... I've brought them over from the palace and now they are on duty here. Any more stupid stupidheads try to hurt my baby the Legion will step in and lay the quack down! Kerwhoosh!” Lucifer's arms shot out for emphasis. Apparently, his wings decided to join in the fun and they wiggled behind him. Get back in there wings.
“Ooookkkaaay,” Angel nodded. “So why do you have a picture of a deer with tentacles coming out of its back for 'Moat Gator'? I get that it's supposed to be Smiles, but Moat Gator?”
“Alastor is Charlie's Moat Gator. He guards the castle and eats anyone trying to cross the moat!”
“I see....” Angel nodded. “Odd that that makes sense.”
“It was a recent promotion,” Lucifer explained.
“Okay. Um, one more question?”
“Sure! Shoot!”
“Why are you wearing that?” Angel nodded to his nifty new uniform hat and all.
“You like it? Parker did an excellent job. Look an apple!” Lucifer pointed out the red apple embroidery on his breast.
“Is this some sort of cosplay?”
“Na, Alastor did the C-word and now I have to wear it for the next week.”
Angel choked on air, “The what now?”
“DAD!” Charlie came running out of the hotel. “Something bad is happening!”
“Char? What's wrong, my sunbeam?” Lucifer dashed up the steps and held his baby's hands. She was in quite the titter.
“The TV, Alastor is on TV!”
“What's up, buttacup?” Angel asked joining them on the steps.
“Alastor is on TV! Come on!” Charlie pulled Lucifer back into the hotel and parked him in front of the communal TV that Alastor had warded like an insane person collects meds. A lot. There were a lot of wards.
“Oh, Smiles gone Godzilla!” Angel cheered as Alastor took out a doughnut stand.
“This isn't good Angel!” Vaggie scolded him. She was pointing at the TV like it was personally offensive.
“It's just Smiles being Smiles. No one's gonna...oaff, that musta hurt.” Angel winced as a shark demon was knocked away and ended up skewered on a pointy fence.
“We should stop him!” Charlie said.
“Na, he'll tucker himself out and come home soon.”
“DAD!”
“What?”
“This is bad!”
“Seems to me like it's normal Radio Demon behavior?”
“But it makes the hotel look bad, Sir,” Vaggie explained. “No one is going to want to check in if they think they'll get eaten.”
A light bulb went off in Lucifer's mind.
“Oh, I don't like that look...” Angel muttered.
“Dad?” Charlie asked.
“Soooo, would you say that Alastor is not acting in the best interests of the hotel?”
“Yes!” Vaggie said exasperated.
“Uh, yes? Maybe? We don't know why he's... well...”
“Oh, ewww. That's gross.” Angel gagged a bit as Alastor slurped up some poor sinner's intestines like noodles.
“This is a judgment-free zone... but ya. Eww.” Charlie looked a bit green.
“HECK YA! One day in and he's already mine! Woot!” He grabbed Charlie's hands and danced her around the room. “Operation Snuggle Fluff is a go!”
“Operation what?” Charlie gasped as he spun her around.
“He's a bad, baaaaad, deeer!” Lucifer sang happily and dipped her.
“DAD!” She finally laughed. There's his precious star. She should always be smiling.
“I'll handle Alastor. I'm looking forward to it! I get to do two scoldings in a row! Wow! I'm gonna become a pro at punishments soon!”
“Uh, yous the Devil though?” Angel pointed out.
“You should have seen how I handled Satan. I really gave him a good scolding. No maiming for the next year!” Lucifer was so proud of himself.
“Right... just be gentle with Al. He's a bit...”
“Cranky?”
“Pissy?”
“Bitey?”
“Sensitive...” Charlie looked at the three of them and frowned.
“It's in the contract that I can't hurt him. I also can't deprive him of necessities. I'll handle him with kid gloves... NO!... No gloves! HA! The fluff is mine!”
Charlie sighed, “Hurt isn't just physical, Dad. Keep that in mind.”
Notes:
Next Chapter... BUBBLE BATH
Chapter Text
Chapter 7
Alastor sauntered into the hotel 40 minutes later. He was covered antler to hoof in viscera. A string of intestines was wrapped around his neck like a boa. He seemed so pleased with himself, that Lucifer was even more excited with his plan.
“Soooooo,” Lucifer twirled his apple cane. “Have a good day?”
“Ah! Sire! Good Afternoon. My day started out rather trying, but it got better!”
“I see you've brought home a snack.”
“Yes, but I shan't spoil my dinner. I am looking forward to Colossus Boar.”
“It was delivered. I put it in the fridge.”
“Splendid!” Alastor beamed. Lucifer wouldn't be swayed by the daft deer's sudden onset of cute.
“I hate to ruin your good mood, but I'm afraid I have to ask why you went all HULK SMASH on three city blocks.”
“Why?”
“Yes, why.”
“The Overlord meeting went as expected. Not well. I found myself on the back end of several tedious exchanges. Then I decided to go to my favorite roastmaster as we are nearly out of coffee, only to discover that some shark demons ended him! Can you believe it! Now I'm going to have to search for someone new!”
“So, you destroyed three city blocks, because you couldn't get your coffee?” Somehow that tracked. He really should consider switching to decaf.
“No, I destroyed three city blocks because those very shark demons had set up their own subpar shops there.”
“You know Vaggie said something very interesting,” Lucifer leaned on his cane and grinned. He was sooo going to enjoy this.
“Oh?”
“She said you made the hotel look bad. That no one would want to check in if they were afraid of being eaten...” Lucifer beamed at Alastor.
Alastor's ears suddenly flattened and his smile was a bit more strained.
“I see...”
“Charlie was very understanding. She wanted me to be abundantly certain of your motives. However, I would say that you didn't act in the best interest of the hotel. Wouldn't you agree?”
“I would argue that good coffee is in the best interest of the hotel...”
Lucifer put on his best, 'I'm so disappointed' face. If that face happened to come with a huge grin, who would blame him?
“I'm afraid I must scold you and there will be a punishment, but first bath time!”
“Sire?”
“You're gross. Can't punish you when you're a nasty smelly thing.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Lucifer waved his hand and suddenly the Radio Demon was standing in Lucifer's bathroom naked save for the modesty towel knotted around his waist. Lucifer was wearing the same thing so Alastor wouldn't have room to complain. Then he waved his hand triggering the Legion's Anti-magic ward.
“LUCIFER!” Alastor bleated and tried to use his magic to re-dress. His magic fizzled out like fireworks in the rain. Lucifer had his back to the deer, messing with the taps, but could feel the swirl of magic tried and failed. He dumped a bottle of apple-scented bubble bath into the filling tub.
“Nope, the bathroom's a no-magic zone now. I put your snack in a baggie and it's in your room along with your clothes. Now in the tub mister!” Lucifer pointed to the massive oval tub he'd installed. Perhaps one would call it more of a pool rather than a tub, but hey the Legion had to do drills somewhere.
The tub filled and the Legion floated to the surface on a wave of bubbles.
“I can bathe myself!”
“Let me guess? You were planning to just use magic to clean yourself?”
He could feel Alastor's glare on his back. Bingo.
“Get in the tub,” Lucifer ordered.
Alastor tried his magic again. When that didn't work he snorted and very primly stuck a hoof into the bubble water. Lucifer turned to glance at the deer. Oh. My. Dad. Lucifer's brain stuttered to a stop and it took a moment for it to restart.
He was FAWN SPOTTED! Alastor's shoulders were freckled with small little white spots. The spots went all the way down his body to the soft-looking fur on his legs and thighs. Why was such an asshat just the cutest fluffiest demon? It wasn't fair!
Fluff, fluff, fluff! Ok, Lucifer focus!
Alastor stood there glaring at Lucifer standing knee-deep in the bubble bath. He made no move to sit down. Oh, so they were going to play that game?
“Sit down and get your hair wet. We need to get that gunk out. I think you have a bit of kidney matted in your fur.”
“It is likely lung,” Alastor stated. Then very slowly he sat down turning the water pink. “They have a tendency to explode when bitten into.”
“Like biting a balloon?” Don't ask how he knew that.
“Very like. Why are there so many ducks? One can't bathe when they're knocking into you.” Alastor poked at Lieutenant Ron with one long finger. Rude.
“That's the Legion. My palace guard,” Lucifer explained as he grabbed a basket of bathing stuff off his counter. He hopped into the bath making a little splash causing the Legion to scatter and bump against the side of the tub.
“Do they function similarly to the Brigade?”
“Yep.”
“Might I ask...how?”
Lucifer blinked at the deer. “They attack?”
“Sire, please don't take this the wrong way, but rubber ducks aren't very intimidating.”
“Wait 'till you see them in action!” Lucifer beamed. He was super proud of his Legion. “No better-trained unit in all of Hell! Let's get you clean and I'll show you!”
“I can wash myself.”
“Obviously not. Your hair isn't wet yet,” Lucifer pointed out.
Alastor sighed then submerged his head. He shook out his hair a bit while under the water causing the bit of lung to sink to the bottom. More pink water surrounded him when he surfaced.
Lucifer reached over and pulled the shampoo out of the special basket he'd curated just for Alastor. Nope, he hadn't been planning this. Nope, nada. HA!
He squirted a hefty dollop into his palm and shifted/swam closer to Alastor.
“Lower your head,” Lucifer ordered. Surprisingly, Alastor complied.
Lucifer brought his soapy hands to Alastor's head and carefully rubbed the shampoo into his hair. His hands turned pink with bubbles. He saved the best part for last. Slowly, he rubbed at the base of Alastor's ears. The fur there was simply divine. So silky when wet. The feeling made Lucifer's brain tingle pleasantly.
Alastor began growling deep within his chest. Lucifer ignored his surliness and continued to scrub. Happy brain. Happy brain.
“Ok, rinse. Then we gotta do it again.”
Alastor flashed his teeth. Oh, he was not a happy camper.
“Haven't you ever read the back of these bottles? It says right here, rinse and repeat!” Lucifer held up the strawberry shampoo.
Alastor rinsed his hair and glared at Lucifer.
“We'll shampoo again. You'll scrub your skin while it sits and after we rinse the shampoo out we'll refill the tub with cleaner water. Scrub again with clean water, then put in the conditioner. While it sits, I'll show you how the Legion operates,” Lucifer explained his plan. He didn't want to lose a finger to a startled deer. Even if he could regenerate.
Lucifer scrubbed Alastor's hair one more time, then passed him a loofah with strawberry-scented body wash. “All the nooks and crannies,” Lucifer instructed. “Don't forget the gap between your hooves.”
Lucifer leaned over and pulled his own loofah out of the basket. He added his very favorite body wash, fresh green apples. The scent of strawberries and green apples paired nicely, if it wasn't for very slight coppery scent of blood, it would be a rather pleasant-smelling bath.
Lucifer leaned back and attacked his own hooves with vigor. Had to show the deer how to do it properly after all. He wondered if anyone had ever shown him proper hoof care? Humans didn't have hooves so it would have been a new experience learning to care for them when he ended up in Hell a deer. Lucifer eyed Alastor's hooves, they seemed a bit neglected, but not overly so. So the deer demon did something to keep them in order at least.
Alastor rinsed himself and gave Lucifer a look. Lucifer pointed to his hooves and Alastor sighed and scrubbed them.
Lucifer pulled the drain on the bath and all the pink water went down the drain. The bit of lung at the bottom of the tub got scooped up with tissue and deposited into the toilet where it met its fate with a flush. Clean water and bubbles filled the bath and Lucifer washed Alastor's hair one last time.
“There, squeaky clean!” Alastor rinsed his hair and suffered through the application of conditioner. As Lucifer was rubbing it into his ends he began to get a little bit suspicious. There was no way that the Radio Demon could upgrade his fluff... but no... as Lucifer let the ends of the hair drop, they slowly began to spring back, even coated in product. The cute ducker had curly hair! Oh! Heck ya!
No, calm down. If he discovers Operation Snuggle Fluff it will all be over! Deep breath, hee hee hooo.
Lucifer scrubbed his own hair and applied his conditioner too. You didn't get hair like his without effort! Next up were his wings! He brought them out and splashed them around in the bubble water. The Legion was scattered again and they took cover behind Alastor.
Alastor growled as the water from his wings sprayed him. Tough, his wings needed a rinse. Feathers got dirty too. Even if he kept them tucked away most of the time. He settled his wings and got comfy in the warm water.
“The Legion is a special unit specialized in castle defense. They've upgraded their tactics recently so not only do they have swords, they each have their own customized ballistic weapon, anti-magic, anti-tank, missile launchers, and a hodgepodge of different sorts of guns. Only Cooper still uses a catapult. He's very keen on it as he can launch a wide variety of things including himself. Don't let him anywhere near a cow. One too many Bessies have been lost to his enthusiasm.”
Lucifer clapped his hands.
“Legion Assemble!”
All the ducks in the tub began to bob about as they found their spot within rank.
“Separate for drills!” Lucifer said. “Alastor is in command of Squadron Q. I'll lead Squadron D!”
The ducks split up into two ranks and floated in formation in front of each of their commanders.
“So, with drills we go with non-lethal versions of their real weapons. Lieutenant Ron let's show Alastor how this is done. Cooper if you'd be so kind as to attack the lieutenant?”
A grape shot from the back of Alastor's line and was aimed at Lieutenant Ron. Lieutenant Ron fired his grenade launcher and the grape blew up mid-air. Grape guts splattered in the water.
“Ok, so that's how that works, but they can also fight up close and personal. Lieutenant Ron, Bryce, wack-em-sticks out.”
Two ducks floated towards the center of the tub and began bumping into each other little foam sticks smacking together. After a bit, Bryce got in a very clean hit to Lieutenant Ron's side and Lieutenant Ron flipped over head down in the water.
“That's how they show they've been hit hard enough to count as a death blow. Don't worry, they won't drown.”
“That was never my concern, Sire.” Alastor poked a Cooper. “Where did the catapult come from?” He poked at the catapult floating beside Cooper.
“They each have their own little extra-dimensional space.”
“I understand the concept, but I don't see how grapes and swords the size of cocktail skewers will deter a full-sized enemy.”
“Oh, right now the Legion is only fun-sized. They get bigger when outside of the tub.”
“As big as say...Jeremy?”
“No, each one can grow to the size of a VW Bug.”
“Ah, there's the deterrent. I see. That is why you said to be cautious of cows.”
“Yep!” Lucifer was super pleased. His Legion was great!
“In the event of an attack who leads the Legion?”
“I do, or Char Char.”
“I do not think Charlie would be one to use these... charming fowl to their fullest potential. She's not a fighter, our hope.”
Alastor had a point about that. She'd do non-lethal defenses even against the worst sinners. He could just imagine Charlie leading a Legion of ducks with foam swords. Lucifer sighed.
“Ok Legion, Alastor is the hotel's official Moat Gator so he's our first line of defense.”
“I'm what now?”
“Charlie may wish to use non-lethal means against a threat. However, I give Alastor permission to counter those orders. Let's see, chain of command... Me, Char, Alastor, Vaggie. I think that works. Angel and Husk are also good to have by your side in a brawl. If they have suggestions don't dismiss them outright. And steer as far away from Niffty as you can get... she's a loose cannon.”
There was a series of squeaks from the officers. Huh, that wasn't a bad idea.
“Putting Char in charge of the medics... I'll have to run it by Glenda.”
There were some more squeaks this time excited as everyone took their places in the tub. Lieutenant Ron was back from the 'dead' and was front and center ready to lead.
“Unicorn Dances in MUD!” Lucifer shouted sending his ducks on the attack.
Alastor lost the first four rounds, but he quickly picked up the knack of leading the ducks. He wasn't as familiar with them as Lucifer so he had a tendency to call them by their weapon of choice rather than name. After seven rounds of drills, It was Lucifer five, Alastor two.
The deer seemed to be having fun for once. His posture relaxed and he got animated when ordering around the Legion, splashing around just as much as Lucifer.
Lucifer sent the Legion to the corners of the tub so they could finish their bath. Next step, Alastor's punishment!
Notes:
Luci scolds Alastor... then turns around and does something really dumb... LOL
Chapter 8
Summary:
Soft kitty warm kitty... gets high!
Chapter Text
Chapter 8
“Sire, you are telling me that the bath was not my punishment...”
“No? Baths are baths?” Lucifer busted out his diffuser. It was the first time he'd used that attachment on his hair dryer. Alastor sat on the edge of the tub while Lucifer began the diffusing process. It took all of Lucifer's self-control not to begin cackling madly.
“Then I can leave...” Alastor moved to stand up.
Lucifer put a hand on his fawn-speckled shoulder and caused the Radio Demon to hiss, but he did sit back down.
“I have yet to scold you. Are you prepared for a proper scolding?”
“I understand what I've done. There is no need.”
“I don't think you do. You see I don't care one bit about what you did, I care about how you did it.”
“Pardon? You take umbrage with how I tore apart my victims?”
“Yes and no.” Lucifer shrugged and finger-curled a recalcitrant lock. If he spent a little too much time touching the silky tresses no one had to know. “Have you ever heard the term 'Plausible Deniability'?”
“I have,” Alastor said slowly.
“Your actions caused Char Char distress. I'm not happy about that. Furthermore, Vaggie has a valid point about making the hotel look bad. Char might be running this thing, but it's you that people think about when they think Hazbin. You have a reputation.”
“My being willing to do what it takes keeps riffraff from the doorsteps.”
“I agree!” Lucifer nodded. He sneakily ran his fingers over the fluffed-up fur of Alastor's ears. This was better than heavenly storm-cloud cotton candy! It really tickled the tactile part of his brain. So darn soft and fluffy! It took every ounce of willpower he had not to giggle in delight.
“I'm not asking you to stop Radio Demoning. You do what Radio Demons do. No problem there.'
“My issue is that you were so brazen about it. You can go out and level all of Pentagram City for all I care, just Don't Get Caught. If that is impossible, then Plausible Deniability. Repeat after me: It wasn't me!”
Alastor sat quietly under his fingers for a bit, then finally nodded. “I can see the logic.”
“Listen, I don't want you to not be who or what you are. I'm all about the free will thing. Go live your afterlife to the fullest! Just don't let your actions fall back on my baby girl or the hotel.”
“I understand, discretion.”
“Exactly! Good talk! I'm really getting good at this scolding thing! Go me!'
“Now for your punishment!” Lucifer stopped holding back his giggles as he turned the Radio Demon around to look into the bathroom mirror. “TA DA!”
“You can not be serious.” There was a whine of feedback.
“You are not allowed to straighten your hair for the next month and you have to fully participate in Charlie's next bonding exercise. That's your punishment!” Lucifer was beside himself with giddiness. Not only had he been allowed to finally touch those fluffy ears, but he'd also discovered Alastor's curly dark secret!
Well, one of them. Lucifer was growing more and more suspicious about the way Alastor's modesty towel had fluttered about while Lucifer played with his hair. But no problem! Lucifer was a super sneaky master! He'd get to the bottom...Ha! Bottom... of it!
♪♫“Soft kitty, warm kitty, little baaaall of fuuurrr!” ♪♫ Lucifer sang as he padded down the hall. Operation Discover Fluff was a go! Silly deer thought he could keep such a fluffy secret. HA! Not under Lucifer's watch!
Lucifer sniffed the air. Something smelled really, Really, REALLY, good behind the bar. Detour!
He dug under the cabinet of the bar determined to find the source of the scent. Bingo! Found you! Thought you could hide from Kitty Devil, silly bag of smelly stuff. He tore open the bag of green herbs. It smelled so good! He rolled around in the mess making certain to coat his entire body in the wonderful smell. He lay there for a bit before he remembered what he was supposed to be doing. Silly Smelly Stuff ™ wouldn't distract him!
He got up and padded to the kitchen and then poked his head around the kitchen door. Alastor was mixing something in a pot that smelled absolutely amazing. Not as good as Husker's herb stash, but still very good. Lucifer's kitty senses tingled.
Alastor's white and pink apron declared that he was a 'Certifiably Tasty Snack!' in black glitter. Lucifer wasn't going to argue with the sentiment, especially since he suspected that the apron was originally the spiders. No, Lucifer's focus was situated just under that cute little bow.
Lucifer belly crawled around the kitchen island. Slowly, one paw at a time. He could feel his tail flicking back and forth behind him. He waited around the corner until Alastor passed by him placing the pot of what he'd been stirring in the warm oven.
Alastor bent over...
OH! MY! DAD!
With the reflexes of only the Devil himself, Lucifer launched himself at the deer!
There was an ear-bursting screech, and a pulse of static shot out knocking Lucifer across the room. All the bulbs in the kitchen blew and the window cracked.
Lucifer didn't stick around long enough to be attacked by the tentacles that suddenly manifested.
He bolted out of the kitchen and into the common area. Slipping under the couch, Lucifer examined his prize.
A small tuff of black and red fur sat between his paws.
There was continued howling from the kitchen, but Lucifer ignored it rubbing his face against the fur. It smelled of thunderstorms and strawberries.
Several sets of running footsteps passed by the couch. There was some chaos from the kitchen then soft murmuring. Lucifer ignored it all hyper-focused on the second-most perfect thing in all the world.
Humming Soft Kitty Lucifer licked the fur. It didn't taste like much, but the scent became stronger. Ptha, hair sticks to kitty tongues. Ptha, ptha.
“Dad?” Charlie's head appeared upside down looking under the couch. He greeted her with a loud purr.
“Dad, did you attack Alastor?”
Lucifer mewed.
“Use your words, Dad.”
“Who got into my STASH!” Husk yelled. Charlie's head disappeared. A few moments later it reappeared. This time amusement was twinkling in her eyes. His baby always had the best eyes. So expressive and beautiful.
“Dad, did you get into Husk's catnip tea?”
Lucifer turned his head and looked at the couch leg. Nope, wasn't him. Plausible Deniability!
“Allow me to fetch a sack! I'm going to drown the infernal menace,” Alastor hissed from somewhere behind Charlie.
“Oh, Smiles... new look?” Angel's black boots sauntered into view.
“Don't you start!”
Angel's head appeared looking under the couch. Lucifer was a polite kitty, he greeted the spider with a soft mew.
“Oh, Lawd,” Angel guffawed. “This is too much.”
“Heeey, Dad.” Charlie drew his attention. “Soooo, biting Alastor's butt is not ok.”
“Is that what he did!” Angel hiccuped on his laugh and slapped the seat of the couch. “Where'd the fur come from?”
Lucifer pulled his prize a little closer to his body. He wasn't going to share.
“Fur?” Charlie looked down again. Then she blinked.
“Never you mind where the fur came from. I'll fetch a coch. Must get rid if vermin at the first opportunity.”
“Vermin?”
Lucifer yowled when Niffty popped up beside him, her single eye right up in his face. She was holding a knife and her grin was more frightening than Alastor's. He grabbed his prize and bolted through the common room and up the steps. At the top of the stairs, he poofed himself into his room.
Niffty was definitely the scariest being at Hazbin. Perhaps he should promote her to Castle Dungeon Keeper.
He wasn't embarrassed! He wasn't! He glared at the little bit of fluff. Afraid he might lose a few precious strands he'd tied a golden ribbon around the tuft of fur. He also may have placed the fur in a hidey-hole in his workbench. Nope, not embarrassed!
He just didn't know how to face Charlie, or anyone else, but that was a temporary problem. Really it was... Oh, heck. He was never going cat again!
“Dad?” There was a knock at his door.
“Uh, um. Yes? No, YES!” Lucifer stood up but debated with himself on if he wanted to open the door.
“Dinner is done and we're all waiting for you to start the celebration,” she said through the door.
“Uh... maybe just go on without me?”
“No Dad, this is a special moment for Angel and we're all going to be there to show our support.”
“We are?”
“Yes.”
Lucifer sighed and opened the door. He peaked out into the hall. His baby girl was standing there hands on hips and struggling not to laugh.
“Ugggh,” Lucifer bopped his head against the door frame. This caused Charlie's giggles to let loose and once they were loose there was no stopping them.
“I... can't...” She gasped. “I can't believe you did that!” She giggled and struggled to suppress them. “I'm very disappointed, Dad.”
“Not my finest moment...” Lucifer agreed. “But well, you should have seen it! It was just wiggling there taunting me! If anything it's his fault for having such an adorable little tail! It just begged to be snuggled!”
“Tail?” Charlie blinked at him then her grin got wider. Then she bent over laughing. “Oh, I can't...” She gasped trying to get more air.
Lucifer couldn't help but smile along with her. It really was an absurd situation. He stepped out of his room and hugged his baby. “It's no wonder he hides it, it's the most adorable little tail I've seen. Not good for big tough Radio Demons to walk around looking sweet and fluffy.”
“Now I have to see it!” Charlie beamed at him.
“Want to join in on Operation Snuggle Fluff 2.0?”
“You bet!”
“Count me in too!” Angel called from down the hall. He popped his head around the corner not at all repentant that he'd been eavesdropping.
“We'll form a committee after dinner,” Charlie said firmly taking his arm and leading him down the hall.
“I've already got ideas!” Lucifer told her gleefully.
“No more pulling out his fur,” she scolded him. She was just as good at scolding as he was. His baby was the best!
“Not without consent,” Angel added.
Lucifer beamed at them. He really was very happy he'd moved out of that dark gloomy palace.
Notes:
Next chapter, Lucifer gets accidentally high again and Angel teaches our duckie pole dancing.
Chapter 9
Summary:
Angel teaches our duckie how to pole dance. . . sorta.
Notes:
Happy World Radio Day. Sorry that an Alastor Chapter couldn't line up with the day. It's sort of my own head cannon that Feb 13th is Alastor's B-day and that he's an Aquarius. lol. Having a bayou in his bedroom is a very waterbringer trait if you ask me. He's a very twisted Aquarius. Wanting to make the world better by taking out all the trash so to speak. Cough. I'm sure other signs work just as well if not better with our deer-boy, but I think World Radio Day works so well.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 9
Dinner had been great! Alastor could really cook, and Lucifer hadn't held back with the praise. Somehow all the compliments eventually placated the surly deer. Alastor had made a comment that we weren't oneself under the influence, and had stopped growling at Lucifer long enough to celebrate Angel's newfound freedom.
It was a low-key celebration by the spider's standards, but he was trying to turn over a new, more domestic, leaf. By that, he meant he wasn't going to be turning tricks anymore. Lucifer had no idea that the spider was a magician and had tried his best at conversation by asking if Angel could pull a rabbit out of a hat. He'd been informed that it had to be a very specialized type of rabbit. It wasn't the same sort of magic that Lucifer used, but it was still really cool!
He wasn't sure why Charlie and Vaggie had steered the conversation away from tying silk scarves. Lucifer was understanding though. After all, Angel was trying not to be a magician. It probably was difficult to talk about his magic tricks when he was quitting the business.
Angel had gushed about an interview with Ozzie for a new project the Sin of Lust was working on. Mode, Ozzie's dance club and bar, was in the process of being built and had put out the call for professional dancers. Since it was in Pride Angel wouldn't have to commute all the way down to Lust, but his interview would be held in Lust. Angel was super nervous about it, but you could also tell he was thrilled with the prospect.
But there had been some concern with Angel going out without an escort. Vermicelli hadn't acted...yet. Alastor had volunteered to go to Lust with the spider, but Angel quickly shot that idea down. No. Letting Alastor loose in Lust would not go well. So Charlie had asked him to go. His baby had asked him a favor! Of course, he would go! He'd even be able to say hi to his old buddy! Yay!
“Imma bundle of nerves,” Angel said. He was attempting his deep breathing exercises, but Lucifer had some concerns that he'd begin to hyperventilate soon. Distraction!
“Did you like the trip? I think taking the Hellevator is sort of dull, but this was your first time!”
“It wasn't much, ta be honest. No offense. If there was windows or somethin' it might have been interestin', but we were just stuck in a room.”
“Yaaaa, I tried windows once, but the amount of puke that had to get cleaned up because of the motion sickness was immense. Funny that if you don't know you're moving a lot of people don't get sick.”
“One of those in your head things?”
“Probably,” Lucifer nodded. Then the conversation dropped and Angel began hyperventilating again. Blast, do better Lucifer. Right. Super distraction!
“Ozzie isn't so bad. When he was little he used to hide in the most unusual places. He's very good at hide and seek.”
“I'll bet,” Angel muttered.
Ok, try again, Lucifer. You can do this!
“He and Mammon have always had this really antagonistic relationship. It's not hate...but more like two brothers that have very different opinions on politics. It can get very heated, but when real trouble starts they'd be there for each other. I kinda think the dynamic of the hotel is like that.”
“Smiles ain't your brother...”
“I didn't mean Alastor. I meant in a general sense. Everyone at the hotel is so different, but come together when it counts. I just like irritating Alastor. His reactions are a blast and a half.”
“If ya say so, but don't ya think that he's a little softer with you than the rest of us?”
“Ha! HA! Soft! He is super fluffy, but no. Nooo, no, no, nono, nooo. Have you seen the way he looks at me when he thinks I'm not watching? He's definitely plotting ways to bite me!”
“Well, in a way...”
“What do you mean in a way?”
“Nope,” Angel shook his head. “Husk told me not to say a thing and I won't. I'm just glad you've noticed the way Smiles acts around you is different.”
“Well ya,” the duh went unspoken yet was implied. “He wants to bite me! But I'm gonna keep all my fingers and still get to snuggle that fluff!”
Angel sighed and shook his head. Well, at least he'd calmed down and that had been Lucifer's goal. He was so great at escorting.
The taxi pulled up in front of Ozzie's. Lucifer and Angel argued about who would pay, but then the cabby said something about Kings being free. How nice! Who knew there was such a service!? Lust ring was great! Greed would have charged him 10x more, plus a crown tax!
A bored-looking succubus didn't even look up from her phone screen when they stepped into the quiet dinner theater. “Interviews are down the hall. Bar's closed. Brownies on the table next to the stage.”
“Ohhh! Brownies!” Lucifer made a dash for the chocolate. He grabbed two. One for him and one for... him! HA! Angel had four arms he could hold his own brownie. Lucifer bit into the chocolate and hummed pleased.
“Those ain't special brownies are they?” Angel asked.
“Yup,” the succubus finally looked up and around. Her eyes went wide as she took in Angel. She dropped her phone when she noticed Lucifer.
Angel rushed up to Lucifer. “Don't eat those!” He tried to take away Lucifer's snack! Lucifer skirted around the table. “No! Bad King!”
“No one takes chocolate away from me!” Lucifer smashed the rest of the brownie in his mouth and chewed quickly. It was why Alastor was now the Defiler of Pudding.
“Those have drugs in them!” Angel ran around the table.
“Drugs?” Lucifer looked down at the second snack, debated with himself, and then decided anything chocolate couldn't be too bad. Before he could bring the second brownie to his face Angel had him pinned to the stage and was using his extra arms to take away his snack. Angel: The Brownie Thief!
Lucifer did not pout! His gaze moved back to the plate. Surely, one more wouldn't hurt.
“No,” Angel snapped his fingers in front of Lucifer bringing his attention back. “Charlie is gonna have my fur because of this!” Angel placed the pilfered brownie back on the tray.
Lucifer grinned, “Char will forgive you. That's what she does!”
Angel sighed, “We'll see...”
Weeeeeeeee! Pole dancing was fun!
“Ozzie's gonna kill me!” A very frazzled-looking imp ran around under Lucifer, his robotic arms were twisting around the pole just trying to keep up with Lucifer in a vain attempt to play catch.
“Yous? What about me!” Angel was looking up. “Hey, Short King pole dancers aren't supposed to pole that high up!”
Lucifer held onto the pole with both his hands and fluttered his wings. “Then why do they go all the way up?” He called down.
“They hafta anchor them at both points. Otherwise, it'd jiggle too much and you'd go flying off.”
“Ozzie's also a big guy! He needs a big pole!” The imp added.
Angel snickered at that.
“OH! BIG POLE! I get it!” Lucifer laughed. Dick joke! HA! The imp was a funny guy!
“So why don't ya come on down here and stop giving Fizzy-boy heart attacks?”
“I've got wings! I won't fall!” Lucifer said and did another fast spin around the pole. Zoom! This was just as fun as spider spinning.
“That's not what I'm worried about. Hell, yous could probably shoot yourself through the roof and be fine.”
Lucifer thought about it, then nodded. “Yep.”
“Ya see, this is supposed to be my interview. I can't show Fizzy-boy that I can dance if you're spinning around up there.”
Lucifer tried to think past the pleasantly fuzzy feeling in his brain. He was here to escort Angel for his interview. Oh... “oops...” Lucifer muttered. “I'm a shitty escort!” His emotions, which he normally kept bottled up deep deep down began to pour out his eyes. “I'm sorry!”
“Oh shit! Is he crying!” The imp gasped. “I need to make a will!”
“No!” Angel said firmly. “Lucifers don't cry, they just sometimes spring a leak. Right Short King?”
Lucifer sniffed, “Right.”
“So why don't you come down here and I'll show you how to really use the pole.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“You're not mad?”
“Nope.”
“You won't tell Charlie?”
“If she finds out, it won't be from me.”
Lucifer retracted his wings and slid fireman-style down the pole. Small weee.
“There ya are!” Angel smiled at him and passed him a bottle of water. “Drink that, every dancer needs good hydration.”
“Ok.” Lucifer twisted off the top and drank his water. See? He was being good!
“Now, why don't I do my dance, then I can show you how I did it! The trick is all about the grip!”
Angel took hold of the pole and swung himself up turning upside down in the process.
“He's very good,” the imp commented watching as Angel moved through his choreography, even without the music Angel made it all seem very graceful and easy.
“How's he do that without wings?” Lucifer wondered. OH! It's because Angel was a former magician, that must be it!
Lucifer stared at the imp. Hire him! Hire Him! Hire Him!
“He's overqualified for the position...” The imp sighed. “I can't hire him as a floor dancer.”
BOOOOOO! Hiss hiss, booooo!
“Since he can come to Lust, I think he'll do better as a standalone act here at Ozzie's.”
NOOO! Don't split up the family!
“Uh... Maybe a once-a-week thing? He can be the lead dancer at Mode, help train the other dancers, and do his thing here once a week?” The imp looked at Lucifer for approval.
“What? It's not my decision.”
Angel swung down off the pole and sauntered up to them. “What ya discussin' something good I hope?” He bent down and got his own bottle of water off the floor of the stage.
“I hope you think so...” The imp began to explain his idea.
“Oh... um,” Angel frowned. “I'd love to dance here, but I've got a bit of a situation... The reason Short King had to bring me down here, ya see.”
“Bad noodle trying to hurt Angel Hair!” Lucifer grinned.
The imp frowned. “Is this situation going to cause issues for Mode?”
Angel began to look more than a bit flustered and upset.
“Tell 'im 'bout bad noodle!” Lucifer urged. “Not 'is fault...heey my lips dis numb.” He pressed his lips together smacking them.
“We should get you situated on a couch before it really kicks in,” Angel said. “I don't think we'll make it back up before you bonk out on me.”
“He can use the one in Ozzie's office. This way.” The imp led them down the hall and up a set of back steps.
“Do I get wankies?”
“Absolutely!” Angel giggled. “But not now, you're under the influence.”
“Bleh Bleh ankies!” Lucifer tried again.
“Oh, sure Ozzie's got a fuzzy throw blanket over the back of the couch.”
“E'ck yaa!”
“Then he licked her!”
“No!”
“What'd she do?”
“She set fire to the studio.”
“Ohhh! And then?”
“I asked her to leave.”
“You did?”
“Well, she is the Princess...”
“This guy is a real piece of work right Ozzie?”
“I've heard the rumors, but Pride isn't my ring and I don't have much sway over the sinners.”
“Howza lick ma bebe?” Lucifer muttered into the couch. His brain was still a bit fuzzy but he'd been woken up by the conversation the three men were having.
“No one, Short King, go back to beddie bye!” Angel stood up and began to tuck the blanket tighter around Lucifer.
“Jer-mey make annote... Angel licked ma bebe!”
“I did not!”
“Who's Jer-mey?”
“Sis ma 'cretary.”
“Oh... ok. Go back to sleep, Luci.”
“Not 'cause ma told too!” Lucifer cuddled back into the couch and pulled the blanket over his head. It really was soft, not as soft as Alastor's tail, but still very soft.
“Who's Astor?”
“Alastor, The Radio Demon, Short King and him's got a thing...”
Notes:
Next chapter... Beach day in the middle of Pentagram City....sorta LMAO!
Chapter 10
Summary:
Big chapter.
The boys go to the beach... LMAO.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 10
“What happened here?” Angel looked around at the ground surrounding the hotel. There was a fire still burning down the hill and it looked like the burnt-out remains of someone's car. Craters the size of basketballs littered the ground and a few of them looked like glass had formed in the center.
“DAD!” Charlie ran up to him and gave him a hug. Then she pulled away, then she hugged him again. “There were DUCKS!”
“Ducks...” Angel looked around again.
“There were these huge rubber ducks and they came out of nowhere and they started shooting, KABOOM!,” her arms spread wide, “and there was a flying topiary of a cow! I didn't even know we had topiary! Then that car exploded and it was all over!”
“Oh, that was the Legion. I put up a sign, did you see it? Where's Alastor?” Lucifer asked. It was his job to be the front line of defense.
“Alastor was there too! He was shouting things like, 'Not the cow', and 'Ron, I told you grenades put divots in the lawn.' He told me to give you this when you got back.” Charlie reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope.
Lucifer tore it open.
Sire,
Angel's erstwhile employer paid a visit. As per your instructions on discretion, I endeavor to follow and annoy the cad. Echo is on standby. If you should like to join in this hunt, you might follow him to my location.
Alastor.
“Oh, this looks fun,” Lucifer grinned.
“What looks fun?” Charlie asked.
“Alastor invited me to go hunting with him. I think I'll take him up on the offer.” A blurry memory of a half-understood conversation wormed its way into his thoughts. No one treated his baby like a Popsicle!
“Awwwe! You're making friends! I'm so glad!” Charlie hugged him again.
“Sweetie, I think I'm going to head over to where Alastor is, but first I need Angel's help with the lawn.”
“Oh! Ok.” She hugged him again. “So many friends! Good job, Dad!”
Right... He sent his happy little star back into the hotel. She was practically bursting at the seams wanting to tell Vaggie all about her dad's new friends, and to explain the militia of ducks.
Lucifer passed Alastor's note to Angel and while the spider read, Lucifer fixed the holes in the lawn. He'd have to put a bit more effort into flameproofing the topiary though. One bush cow down. Rip. He really should have known better than to go with the barnyard theme for the bushes. A cock shaped bush had been too funny! Cock and bush...HA!
“Shit,” Angel whispered.
“No worries!” Lucifer patted the tall arachnid on his lower arm. It wasn't because he couldn't reach his shoulder, nope. Lucifer wasn't short! He was fun-sized! He could be taller if he wanted, but growth spurts and hormones were a bitch.
“You wanna come? Might be... what is the term Char uses...catheterize?”
“Cathartic.”
“You'll have Al and I as backup... Though knowing the stupid dumb deer, you might witness something a bit... graphic.”
“You'd let Smiles eat, Val?”
“Who's Val? And let is a strong term... More like... 'Oh look over there, shiny! Oh poo, did you eat the bad noodle? You'll get a tummy ache. Need a Tums?'”
Angel cracked a smile at that.
“Besides, Vermicelli is a sinner. He'll re-spawn eventually. No longer an Overlord, and probably a few brain cells closer to an amoeba. But that's what happens when you start shit with a Moat Gator and the King.”
Angel laughed, “Okay, I get it. Count me in. This is gonna be hell of a party.”
“That's the spirit! Woo hoo! Boys night! No dumb stinky girls allowed!”
“Sire, Angel, pleasure meeting you on this lovely late afternoon,” Alastor greeted them both. He was sitting on a concrete road barrier just outside VoxTex and sipping on what looked like a Bloody Mary. Likely made with real blood. He stirred it a bit with the celery stick and hummed along to the music. All the televisions surrounding Voxtex were playing Cotton-Eyed Joe at high volume. Underscoring that song was Flight of the Bumblebee. No video, just sound, and it made for quiet the cacophony of noise.
The bar down the street was covered in a black magical barrier. As Angel and Lucifer watched, a waiter, wearing a very loud Hawaiian shirt and sporting a 'Hi! My Name Is--- Gregg' tag, came out the front door. He was wearing a pair of pastel pink ear-muffs and was carrying a new freshly mixed Bloody Mary on a tray. He placed the new drink on the concrete barrier and very firmly kept his gaze down as he held the tray to his chest.
“I've placed a sound barrier around that establishment as it is entirely innocent of any wrongdoing,” Alastor explained. “Might I temp you with a beverage? They are very well made.”
“Rum and coke!” Angel said taking a seat beside Alastor and crossing his long legs.
“Appletini,” Lucifer added. Gregg, the waiter nodded and practically ran back down the road.
Lucifer looked up at the tall building. Alastor wasn't being discreet, and he wasn't going with the plausible deniability+ plan either. Still, this war of annoyance didn't go against his contract. So Lucifer was 100% in. Heck ya! Operation Burnt Mac and Cheese was a go!
“I think we can do with better seating arrangements,” Lucifer waved his hand, and suddenly the road was covered in fine beach sand. A lone crab scuttled about trying to figure out how it had ended up so far from the ocean. Echo ghosted along the sand and began to play with the poor crustacean.
Three white beach loungers, with white and blue striped cushions, replaced the concrete road barrier. A bright blue sun umbrella with tiny yellow rubber ducks blocked the loungers from the glare of the hellish-red sky. A rainbow beach ball rolled by. A rubber duck with a red and white life preserver sat in his lifeguard tower right in the center of what used to be the street. A 'Duckie on Duty', sign was placed along the side of the tower. Under it was a smaller version of 'Beware of Moat Gator' a tentacled kraken-like deer-thing was holding screaming swimmers aloft.
Alastor looked down at his new seat and hummed. His ears twitched and his smile floated up a few degrees. Angel immediately reclined and rolled over on his stomach like he was truly taking in a day at the beach.
“This is it!” Angel stretched and laid his head on his upper arms.
“I must agree this is a pleasant change, but more appropriate attire is warranted.” Alastor snapped his fingers and he was suddenly wearing a full-body woolen swimsuit in red and black stripes. A pair of thick red sunglasses were perched on his nose and a copy of The Prince, in its original Italian, was lying open by his side.
“My, how salacious, showin' off those knees!” Angel teased him. “Can I get a wardrobe change too? I'm good with shorts and a tube top.”
Alastor crossed his legs and picked up his book. Then with the other hand, he snapped his fingers again. Angel was in a bright pink bathing dress. It took the form of a gauzy sundress but was obviously meant to be worn as swim attire for a more modest lady.
Angel held out the skirt and grinned. “Hey, I like this. Neva thought I'd be happier more dressed.”
“There is an appeal for keeping oneself covered. It allows for imagination. One should strive to keep an air of mystery.”
“It's like opening a present,” Lucifer grinned and plopped down on his lounger changing his outfit to blue swim shorts and a white t-shirt. 'DUCK YOU' was in bold blue script across his chest. He hoped it made a point.
“The excitement is in taking it off, I get it.” Angel held out a fist and Lucifer bumped it. Yay! He had a fist-bumping buddy! Not that he agreed with Angel, no he was firmly in the camp of not skinny dipping. He didn't need all of Hell to get a glimpse of his tuckus. Been there done that, thank Dad it had been 600 bc and all that was left were some amphora paintings of the incident.
“Sooo, I think it's my turn. Al's got sound covered... I think I'll go with something a bit more ouchie,” Lucifer said looking up at a window, the curtain fluttered. Lucifer grinned and aimed a shotgun finger at that window. Bam!
“What do you have in mind, Sire?”
“Nothing too sinister, if their health plan covers vaccines.”
“It doesn't,” Angel stated.
“Oh, well...That is unfortunate,” Lucifer shook his head in mock sadness.
“Whatcha do?” Angel asked.
“Opened a very tiny portal from Gluttony directly into that office up there. If that portal just happens to be directly under a Hell Bee's nest and Alastor's musical renditions irritated that nest... welp. If they have their Hellbies shots they'll just suffer the sting and nothing more.”
“They'll all break out in rashes and sudden attacks of violence! Bravo,” Alastor closed his book and slowly clapped in appreciation.
“If they're any sort of canine they'll also develop a fear of water and start foaming uncontrollably at the mouth,” Lucifer grinned. “Unpleasant.”
“Yous put Hell Bees in the building?”
“Noooo, just opened a portal under their nest.”
“Huh... well, what about those Potato Spiders from Wrath? Think yous could send a few of those in there too?”
“No problem!” Lucifer laughed and summoned a small army of Potato Spiders.
“Very well done, dear fellow,” Alastor gave Angel a compliment.
“Arachnophobia is one of the highest-rated fears.”
“Not to mention Potato Spiders are very ugly.”
“Yet one of the best hunters, I do have to respect the little things,” Alastor hummed pleased with their contributions to the chaos.
That was true, there was a reason the farmers of Wrath loved them. They burrowed underground and ate mice, grasshoppers, and other farm pests. They were the moat gators of the farming world!
It only took ten minutes before the employees started to trickle out. A number of them sported welts from stings.
Angel, Echo, and Lucifer decided to build sand castles, but in order to make the stand stick they needed water. Lucifer attached a garden hose to the side of the building and turned it on full blast. He'd made it so that every time someone tried to use water in the building it would flow out of the hose instead. HA! See how stinky it would get when no one could flush the toilet or wash their hands!
'Certified Smelly!' 'Poo Heads!' 'Not Lucifer-Approved!' 'Soon To Be Under New Management!' 'A Little Buggy!' 'Hellbies Shot Recommended!' 'Stupid R Us!' Flashing neon signs popped up around the building. They flashed in rhythm with Alastor's musical annoyance. ♪Where did they come from?♪ Wasn't Lucifer, HA!
They were on hour four when they were approached by a negotiation team. Well, thugs were a better term for the five large shark demons. The sixth one looked like a lawyer.
“Nope,” Lucifer leaned back and ate his nachos. The bar down the street was definitely getting a Lucifer-Approved sign. Lucifer mixed his queso and his salsa together, scooped some up on his chip, then added the jalapeno. Perfect.
“If you'd look at these documents the terms are very agreeable,” the lawyer shark argued. Alastor flipped the page of his book, and Angel turned up the volume on his headset as he flipped through the immense stack of style magazines Alastor had provided.
“Nope,” Lucifer repeated.
The lawyer shark sighed, “Then what, may I ask are your terms?”
“Vermicelli gives up all his soul contracts. He'll no longer be an Overlord...”
“Ah, Sire I must interrupt you there,” Alastor interjected. “You see Valentino is not an Overlord by himself. The corporation of Voxtec is the Overlord, the three CEOs together are the Overlord. The company owns the majority of the souls contracted to it.”
“Wait? What? A corporation can't be an Overlord. That's 100% in the law. I should know, Mammon tried to pull that shit nearly 2,000 years ago,” Lucifer sat up.
He concentrated on his office in the palace. He focused on the document he needed... “There!” A scroll fell into Lucifer's lap. He unrolled it and read over it. “Yep, it's all here in brown and yellow! So, nope, not an Overlord.”
“May I see that, Sir?” The lawyer shark asked.
“Sure,” Lucifer tossed the scroll to the shark. The shark unrolled the scroll and began reading.
“If Voxtec isn't an Overlord... then I no longer have to play by Overlord rules!” Alastor snapped his book shut and tossed back his head in a gleeful cackle.
“Is there precedence for this?” The shark asked.
“I just told you that Mammon tried to pull this very stunt 2,000 years ago...” Lucifer said and bit into his nachos. He better hurry up, the queso was getting cold. Oh, wait... he touched a finger to the bowl and it slowly went back to its happy warm temperature. Pleased, he added two jalapenos to his next bite. Double yum.
“So what does that mean for the people who sold their soul to the company?” Angel asked.
“No soul contracts under the corporation are valid,” Lucifer said. “So I guess that means they are free to demand their souls back. The CEOs have no right to keep them.”
“Fuck YA!” Angel sat up and began to type rapidly on his phone. “Stick it to da man!”
“This can't be right...” The shark demon muttered. Angel stood up behind the shark lawyer and took a picture of the scroll, then he began typing again.
The shark lawyer pulled out his phone and wandered off to make some calls. Lucifer let him take the scroll. After all, it was just a copy of the original that was still in his office.
“Say 'Hey ya', Short King!” Angel turned his phone to Lucifer. Lucifer waved. “We are sittin' down here at Voxtec, takin' in the ambiance...” Angel panned up and got the flashing neon signs in the shot. “When I learned somethin' down-right juicy!”
“Do not attempt to video record me...” Alastor hissed behind Angel. “This face was made for radio!”
“Don't get ya panties in a twist, yous not in the shot.”
“Keep it that way.”
“Right, right...” Angel walked a few meters away from Alastor just to be on the safe side.
“It turns out that Voxtec has been acting illegally as an Overlord. According to our King, Lucifer himself, say hey again,” Angel instructed. Lucifer waved his nacho at the camera.
“These are very good. That Buffett guy that runs that margarita bar down there, is 100% Lucifer Approved. Remind me to get them a sign.”
“Good ta know. Anyhoosalbee, any soul-bargaining done under the Voxtec Corporation is invalid. A corporation can not be an Overlord. Isn't that right?”
“Right, don't believe me, ask Mammon. I put the law in place when he tried to take over Pride via Overlord corporations. It's all in the legal record. Not my fault those poo-for-brains didn't bother to look it up,” Lucifer crunched into his chip. “Now any personal one-on-one contracts with an individual Boxtec CEO is still valid. However! Good news, if you come on by the Hazbin Hotel and truly take a shot at redemption, I can hit the pause button on all deals and contracts.”
“That's right!” Angel brought the camera back to himself. “Yours truly was the first case of Hazbin Hotel's Redemptive Clemency Clause! I'm officially free of my soul contract thanks to Lucifer, our King!”
“You're a specialized case, Angel. Everyone else will have to really work the program to redemption if they want their contracts voided. No get out of jail free cards, there has to be a commitment toward improvement.”
“Ya, ya, free room and board, the food is amazin' when Smile's cooks. No drugs, but there's an open bar, and alls yous have to do is be on your best behavior and participate in the Princess' exercises! Not a bad deal! Sure, we have a surly Radio Demon in residence but he promises not to eat the guests.”
“Just a nibble if they step out of line,” Alastor called from his lounger.
“Well, that's just how he is. Anyway! Permanent guests at the hotel can apply for a passport to the other rings! Talk about incentive! Try redemption and stop having to listen to your shitty Overlord! Win Win!” Angel ended the video and then began to type at a rapid pace.
“Charlie may be a bit miffed she didn't get to announce it herself, but I must agree that this is exceptional timing,” Alastor commented.
“I got more followers than the Princess,” Angel stated. “She's a rainbows and puppies postin' type. Not really the thing down here. Look it, it's already trending!” Angel showed Lucifer his phone and the views tally ticker was moving at a very fast pace.
“Send it to me so I can post it too,” Lucifer pulled out his phone and waited for Angel. Then he posted the video with three thumbs-up emojis. Can't say it's just click-bait when it's sanctioned by the king. He solemnly swore to use the socials in a responsible manner... HA!
“You both realize that Voxtec owns the media platforms you're using?”
“Not mine,” Lucifer said. “Mine goes through Envy. Levi has backdoor technology for everything.”
Angel giggled looking at his phone, “Yes, he did say Boxtec.” He spoke out loud as he typed.
“Radio is far superior,” Alastor grumped. Poor cranky Radio Demon didn't get to announce the news on his radio show. Lucifer didn't want to get sand in his violin or else he'd play the deer a dirge.
“Radio doesn't have all these fun emojis. Look Poo!” Lucifer showed Alastor a poo emoji placed over top of a box emoji before he posted.
“Fascinating...” Alastor stated deadpan. “However, now that I am no longer hamstrung by the dictates of Overlord battles I do believe it is time I act.”
Static filled the air, but not around them. It was concentrated around the Boxtec building. The windows began to crack, and there was a loud thrum. The building shook as if it was hit by an earthquake.
Employees fled the building at that point. Most were covered in welts and many of them had various things stuffed into their ears. Lucifer ran his power up the building. Only a few stragglers, but they got going when the building began to groan.
“Oh my!” Lucifer looked down at his nachos. “These really are the best! Angel, Alastor, maybe we should take a walk over to that bar over there! You know, just in case something should happen in the nearby vicinity. Don't want anyone to blame any accidents on us, no-sir-ree! Can't be up to shenanigans if we're sharing a beer!”
“Wonderful idea, Sire,” Alastor stood up and offered the King his arm. “Let us not tarry. Come now, Angel. Follow along.”
“Are you doin' that?” Angel stuck his thumb at the building.
“Whatever do you mean?” Alastor tried his best innocent face... Stupid deer looking too darn cute! With all the curls he looked particularly innocent.
“Riiiight, I guess I could use another coke.”
While Alastor, Echo, Angel, and Lucifer were seated at the bar, something rather unfortunate happened to the Boxtec building. How distressing... But no worries! Lucifer had the entire street cleaned up with a wave of his hand. The margarita-themed bar was free and clear and no longer had to worry about their patio being covered in debris. Lucifer even put up a new sign '100% Lucifer-Approved'. How nice.
“CHAR!” Lucifer fell into his daughter's arms. “I like nachos!”
“Dad? Are you drunk?”
“Not, drunk, Ma Deeeer,” Alastor stumbled into the foyer. “One hoof, Two hoof!” He counted as he took step after shaky step. He was being held up by Echo.
“Neva thought I'd out-drink the Radio Demon and the King of Hell!” Angel leaned against the front door and slowly slid down onto the front step.
“I've got two hooves!” Alastor exclaimed suddenly pointing down. “When'd dat happin?”
“And a tail,” Lucifer whispered across the foyer at Alastor.
“Shhhhhsssshh!” Alastor waved his hand. “Dasta secret!”
“Oh, oops!” Lucifer covered his mouth with his hand.
“You're all drunk? Together? You went out... and got drunk... together!” Charlie suddenly squealed and squeezed the dickens out of Lucifer. There went his dickens all squeezed out!
“Margaritas are tasty! And you can get these really tall cups that look like prineapples or plarrots! I kept my silly straw... see?” Lucifer held out the plastic straw that had three loop-de-loops and a plastic parrot perched on the middle loop.
♫♪“Lookin' fer ma salt!”♪♫ Alastor sang.
“Ok, gang why don't we get you to your rooms...” Charlie giggled.
“Give me a mo, Princesses. Yous don't know how hard it is to wrangle an angel that busts out his wings every time he sees a light pole.”
♫♪“You spin me 'round!”♪♫ Alastor sang.
“Then there's Smiles over there, he wanted to make a snack out of one of Short King's wings.”
“Buffalo wings are gooood,” Alastor hummed.
“Imma not a buffalo! Right?” Lucifer glanced down to check. Nope, he was all fallen angel. “CHAR! Imma not a Buffalo, tell 'im. He tried to eated me!” Lucifer told on the Radio Demon.
“We don't eat our friends, Al.”
“Boooo! He bit me first!” There was a booing soundtrack that followed his verbal boo. “He's smells tasty! Tasty snack! Like Angel's apron!”
“Dad, we don't bite!”
“Don't be saying things you'll regret big guy,” Angel stood up and helped Echo lead Alastor down the hall.
“ANGEL!” Alastor leaned over and peered at himself in the hall mirror. “What are those!”
“Those are your ears and antlers, now be a good Radio Demon and lets get yous in a bed.”
“I's not havva bed! I havva nest!” Alastor said proudly. “You're not inbited!”
“Char,” Lucifer leaned in and gave her his best serious face. “I love nachos! Annnnd the burger song! I think that imp with the special brownies would like that!”
“What special brownies?” She muttered.
“Das a secret! Shhhhh! Imma best at secrets!”
His sweet dear baby picked him up and carried him right to bed. His beaming ray of sunshine was so smart!
Notes:
Next chapter... Lucifer does NOT have a hangover, bc devils don't have hangovers... duh.
Neither to Radio Demons.
It's part of my headcanon that Hell Bees give Hellbies to Hellhounds via sting. (Why Loona was so afraid of shots) The honey from Hell Bees is used in Beelzejuice. There is a correlation between madness and Beelzejuice and the Hell Bees. Just go with it, I like the pun.
Chapter Text
Chapter 11
Big bad devil guys did not get hangovers. Nope. The Klezmer band playing in his head was just a side effect of one too many nachos. There was such a thing as cheese drunk right? Right.
Coffee. He was in dire need of a cup-o-joe. But it was too much effort to get dressed! Uggggh. Did he want coffee enough to roll out of bed, put on clothes, and go all the way downstairs to get it? Uggggggh. If manifested coffee didn't taste like burnt hair he might have just stayed in bed.
Lucifer rolled out of bed, being vertical was too much trouble, so he wiggled across the floor until he reached the pile of clothes. His bellhop uniform had been neatly pressed and folded. Parker was the best.
It took him a few tries to get his clothes on properly. His magic misfired 2x leaving his uniform a shocking shade of washed-with-a-red-sock pink. He told himself he'd be able to fix it once he'd had his coffee.
He wiggled his way over to the door. He reached up and turned the door handle. Oh, right, he wasn't a snake, he was a Lucifer. He probably shouldn't wiggle down the hall as a Lucifer. He took a deep breath and changed into his serpentine form.
Soggy burnt toast! That had been a very bad idea! He'd overused his magic and the Klezmer band had morphed into a full-on Polka showdown. He lay prone in front of his door for a while before he got the motivation to slither his way to the elevator.
He glared at the elevator button. Why'd it have to be so high up?! Blast! He couldn't reach. Double blast. Stairs it was, or rather stair-railing. Why'd he have to be on the top floor?!
The kitchen already smelled like coffee when Lucifer poked his snaky head inside. Alastor sat at the table looking rather disheveled and in a particularly sorry state. He had his coat buttons undone. Gasp! So unkempt.
“Quiet you infernal menace,” Alastor hissed. He sipped from his mug and groaned.
Stupid deer, he was being quiet! He was the quietest snake!
Lucifer slithered across the kitchen and came across another problem. Snakes didn't have hands! Uggh! How was he supposed to enjoy coffee without hands! Lucifer propped his head against the lower cupboard and felt sorry for himself. He was stuck as a snake until the ummpaa paa went away.
“For Hell's sake, would you stop,” Alastor growled. He stood up and picked Lucifer up off the floor. Woah Nelly! He was plopped unceremoniously onto the kitchen table. Oh, Hey Glenda.
Alastor went to the cupboard and angrily slammed the doors. It did not help with the Polka Parade.
Alastor placed a shallow bowl filled with cream, sugar, and coffee in front of him. Heck ya! Grumpy Radio Demons were the best! Lucifer stuck out his tongue and immediately burned it. BLAST! Phoooo phoooo phooo.
Two aspirin appeared beside Lucifer.
“Thanks, Glenda.”
“She appeared when I could not find the Alka-Seltzer. Those tablets are helpful.”
Lucifer curled his burnt tongue around both pills and swallowed them. Blegh.
He carefully approached his coffee again. He blew on the bowl before he took a sip. That was so much better.
Lucifer melted against the table his head dangling into the bowl so that he only had to flick out his sore tongue to enjoy the life-saving brew. Coffee was the best thing ever.
Twenty minutes later, Lucifer was feeling more himself. He gently tested his magic, then changed his form. “I'm not sure if this form is better or not?” Lucifer blinked at his bowl of coffee. Heck with it. He picked up the bowl and finished it.
He stood up, picked up Alastor's empty mug, and shuffled over to the coffee pot. No sugar, double cream for Alastor. Stupid deer, still had his own special mug while Lucifer had to use hotel mugs. Boo.
He put the 'Oh Deer' mug down in front of Alastor and sat down in the chair across from him. “Are you going to make breakfast?” Lucifer asked.
“It's lunchtime, and no.”
“Are there any leftovers?”
“I'm gathering the motivation to reheat the last eggroll.”
Lucifer sipped his coffee. Cereal? No.
“Wanna order subs?”
Alastor thought about it and then nodded.
“Roast beef and cheddar, roast beef and horseradish, Italian, chicken hot, chicken cold, turkey, or meatball.” Lucifer listed off the subs from the menu of the place that delivered.
“Get one of each.”
“They come with a pickle and a bag of chips.”
“That's fine.”
“Great...” Lucifer tapped things on the phone and placed the order. He ordered extra pickles because he felt pickley today. “Half hour.”
One more round of coffee and they were at an impasse on who was going to make a new pot. Luckily, for both of them Angel was cognizant enough to manage a pot of coffee even if he had just rolled out of bed.
“Imma neva drinking with yous twos again.” The spider folded his arms and laid his head cradled on the table. Two aspirin popped up beside him.
“Thanks, Glenda,” Angel muttered dry popping the pills.
“You know the duck?” Alastor asked.
“She bandaged me up enough times after a hard night with Val. I should know her. Alls yous gotta do is ask and she gives you her business card. Two more patch-up jobs and I get a free box of personalized band-aids. Is there food?”
“I ordered subs.”
“Italian?”
“Yep.”
“Great.”
Charlie came into the kitchen several minutes later carrying several bags full of subs and pickles.
“While I'm grateful one of you covered lunch we need to have a talk.”
“Uhhohh, mom's mad,” Angel muttered. He got up and helped Charlie unpack the food. “Which one do yous guys get?”
“Beef and cheddar,” Lucifer sighed.
“Beef and horseradish,” Alastor added.
“I'll have the meatball,” Charlie pulled out a sub. “Why are there so many pickles?”
“Ordered extra.”
“How many extra? This is a lot of pickles.” She held up a gallon baggie full of pickle spears.
“Na, pickles is one of the best hangover foods. Good call, Short King.”
“Not hungover, Lucifer's don't get hangovers,” he muttered unwrapping his sandwich.
“Neither do Radio Demons,” Alastor added. The prick reached over and stole Lucifer's pickle! Lucifer grunted in protest, but Charlie quickly dropped three more spears on his sandwich wrapper. Then gave an extra one to Alastor who was quickly crunching through them. Lucifer considered a smiting, stupid pickle thief. He eventually decided that the smell of burnt Radio Demon wasn't conducive to good digestion. Lucky deer.
Charlie sat down taking the last chair at the kitchen table.
“Now, I'm not mad...”
“That's neva a good way to start a conversation...” Angel interrupted.
Charlie sighed, “The three of you made the front page of the paper. Alastor's a bit blurry, but I can tell it's him.”
“Really?” Lucifer looked up from building a pickle ramp up his sandwich.
“I'm actually thinking of calling the newspaper and getting a copy, it's a very good picture. You all seem very pleased. However!” She banged her hand against the table causing all three men to groan.
“I'm upset that the three of you announced the Redemptive Clemency Clause and Passport Initiative without me!”
“Good timing,” Alastor sighed. “Believe me, My Dear, I also was a little put out that I didn't announce it on my radio show. The timing was flawless and I couldn't argue.”
“Ya, did you know that Boxtex was acting as an Overlord? That's a no no, so all contracts with the company were canceled.”
“It's good publicity, toots. Make the Redemptive Clemency Clause announcement right after freein' a bunch of guys from their own contracts...”
“You also demolished the building...”
““Wasn't me,”” Alastor and Lucifer echoed.
“We were in the bar when the building went down,” Angel added. “Not saying we weren't acting super annoying right up until the announcement, spiders and Hell Bees were involved, but we were in the bar celebrating when the building came down. Wouldn't surprise me if a disgruntled ex-employee was involved.”
Angel was the best wingman! Nope, no Lucifer's were involved in the toppling of certain buildings.
“I cleaned up the mess,” Lucifer muttered around a mouthful of sandwich. “The building was in the middle of the road and blocking traffic.”
“Your little beach day wasn't blocking traffic?”
“Not that I noticed?” Lucifer glanced at Alastor.
“I put up a detour,” he explained.
“The three of you didn't have anything to do with the building coming down?”
“The three of us, nope,” Lucifer said entirely innocent.
“So I can ignore the angry phone calls I got this morning?”
“Who's making angry calls!” Lucifer perked up a bit. Someone was bothering his baby! Super Dad to the rescue!
“I had a very...um... one-sided call with Vox this morning. He called the hotel directly. I've had to leave the phone off the cradle because he keeps calling.”
Lucifer's sandwich suddenly got a little toasted.
“Hey watch the fire, Short King.” Angel smacked at a smoking bit of wax paper.
“I'll handle it,” Alastor stood up, very carefully, and stepped out of the kitchen.
They all decided to get up from their seats and pop their heads around the corner. On the Redwood concierge desk was an old-fashioned bell telephone. Alastor had refused to use anything more modern. The tablet that Charlie used was tucked away to the side as to not mar Alastor's aesthetic. He used a leather-bound notebook to keep track of calls, questions, and eventually guests.
They watched as Alastor placed the headset back in the cradle. A few seconds later it began to ring. Alastor instead of answering, brought his microphone up to the mouthpiece. An unholy feedback screech followed until the caller hung up. Both Angel and Lucifer flinched. This repeated a few more times until the phone stopped ringing.
Then Alastor handed the phone over to Echo.
“If it comes from this frequency, repeat the feedback. Everyone else may be sent through to Charlie's cellular device. Will that work, My Dear?” Alastor turned and gave all three of the hall peepers a look with a cocked eyebrow.
“Uh, right, that works thanks, Al. Mr. Shadow Guy.”
“Its name is Echo,” Lucifer told her.
“Oh, ok. Thank you, Echo,” Charlie beamed at it. What a good girl, polite to everyone.
Echo waved at her and Glenda popped up beside him on the desk. Awwwe, Slim Shady was making friends. Echo booped her on the beak and they proceeded to have a very silent conversation.
“Is that the Glenda duck you told me about?” Charlie asked Alastor.
“The very same.”
“And these ducks... are people?” Charlie turned to ask her dad.
“They are sentient constructs, but don't say that around Glenda shes sensitive about it. Daddy issues I think. Mostly because she doesn't have one, a daddy I mean.”
“And the ducks from yesterday are also...”
“Yep.”
“Will there be anymore...surprise ducks?”
“OH!” Lucifer turned to her and beamed. “I've been meaning to talk to you about that. How do you feel about therapy?”
“I'm generally pro...” Charlie stated uncertainly.
“Wonderful, I'll have to introduce you all to Sharlanda.”
“Is Sharlanda another duck? For therapy?”
“She sure is. Wonderful credentials. I've been seeing her for the last year. I sleep now! Sleeping is something I can do! Isn't that great?”
“That's...nice Dad. I'm just not sure how...effective a therapy duck will be.”
“Understood, not every therapist is right for everyone, but would you still like to meet her?”
“Ok?”
Heck Ya! If Sharlanda had more people on her client list he wouldn't feel so bad about missing appointments.
“You shouldn't skip therapy appointments, Dad.”
Blast, who told on him? Must have been Jeremy getting revenge for the Peking duck. Dang it. Couldn't get away with anything around here.
Notes:
Poor Deer is obligated to participate in Chalrie's exercise... and it doesn't go well.
Chapter 12
Summary:
When games go awry... poor deery.
Notes:
This is a long chapter so it might be a few extra days before I post Ch 13.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 12
Lucifer used the elevator to go back up to his rooms. He could feel that using magic to portal was still a bit dodgy. He was just working up to feeling like normal and was reluctant to push his luck.
In his room, he walked over to the shelf of ducks and realized Sharlanda wasn't in her usual spot.
“Sharlanda?” Lucifer called looking around the room. He spotted her on his workbench.
Sharlanda had undergone a bit of a change overnight...
“Oh Heck!” Lucifer stared at her. His stomach gave an alarming front flip. “Ok, so new look... right. Right?” Sharlanda the Therapy Duck had metamorphosed into Sharlanda the Angelic Therapy Duck.
She still had her cat-eye glasses and her hair was pulled back in a tight bun, her blue suit-skirt was still the same. What was very very different was the new golden 'halo' above her ducky head.
“Excuse me,” he said as he picked her up and examined her. Oh, dear. Lucifer quickly glanced at his left hand. Oh Shit. Oh, oh, oh. This was... oh boy.
Lucifer's wedding ring was now stretched out and molded into the form of a perfect duck halo. He could feel the pulse of magic coming from Sharlanda. The ring, worn on the left hand of the Devil for eons, gave her a super-boost. Did that make her a super therapist?
After a moment, Lucifer decided to not think about it. He moved the emotions he was having from finally taking off his wedding ring to the back dark corner of his mental closet.
“The rest of the hotel wants to meet with you.” Lucifer listened to her response. “No, they don't have an appointment. This is more of a meet and greet event to get them used to the idea of a therapy duck.”
Lucifer nodded, “That makes sense seeing as I'm the only one who can speak Squeakerese, but I have faith in your skills!”
“Ssssoooooo, SHARLANDA!” Lucifer held out the duck in the palm of his hand and used his magic to make little streamers pop from the ceiling.
The hotel crew sat in the common room and were getting ready to begin one of Charlie's exercises. His baby had 100% definitely sighed off on Sharlanda sitting in.
“Did you babe?” Vaggie asked.
“Uh, maybe?” Charlie smiled softly at her.
Lucifer looked around.
“Where's Alastor?”
“Right here, fine fellow!” Alastor waltzed through the door carrying a tall chocolate cake. Echo followed carrying plates and forks.
“What this Al?” Charlie asked.
“Good question, My Dear. If we are to suffer through this torture you've planned for us at least there should be cake.”
Lucifer was fairly certain that Alastor didn't like chocolate, otherwise he wouldn't have been the Defiler of Pudding Ala Pickle Thief Extraordinaire.
“It is Devil's Food Cake, I thought it apropos.” Alastor shot Lucifer a cheeky grin, “Considering the company present.”
“Ha ha HA!” Lucifer said as deadpan as he could. This pretentious cake-making stupidly tall asshat wouldn't get on his nerves today! “Can you believe this guy, Sharlanda?”
“Ah, is that the duck?” Alastor sat the cake down and took his usual place on the loveseat. Then he reached out and poked Sharlanda. What was with him and poking his ducks!?
Wait...
Super ASShole!! Stupid deer, Stupid...stupid head! Where was he supposed to sit? All the other seats were taken!
“You have magic, Dad...” Charlie sighed.
Riiiighht... Chairs... He could do one of those. He waved his hand and a bright yellow high-backed library chair squeezed itself around the coffee table.
“Thank you for the cake, Al. It looks yummy.”
“Not at all!” The dumb deer politely waved away her thanks.
“Alright, so to get started I thought we'd play a game.”
“What sorta game?” Angel asked crossing his legs and leaning precariously in his seat. His chest fluff stuck up and he bunched his arms under it to make it extra fluffy. He shot a smirk at Husk who was pointedly ignoring the chest fluff that was practically sitting under his nose. If Angel wanted Husk to pay attention to the fluff perhaps he should ask Alastor for fluffy tips?
“Does it matter?” Husk muttered looking up and away from Angel. “It's probably designed to make us bond or something.”
“Yes!” Charlie beamed at Husk. “We each get five cards from this deck. The rules are you have to honestly answer one of the questions on one of your cards. When you do you can discard the card. If you don't want to answer any of the questions in your hand you can choose to draw two cards and discard one from your hand. The person who gets rid of all their cards first wins. The person with the most cards at that point loses.'
“I've got incentives!” Charlie clapped rapidly getting caught up in her own excitement. “The winner gets an expense-paid spa day at Buff and Stuff.”
“And the loser...” Vaggie laughed. “Has to do all the hotel laundry for the next week.”
“That doesn't seem fair, Smiles and Short King got magic, they can poof things clean. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'd trust my whites to Daddy over there... considerin',” Angel said giving him a head to chest once over.
Lucifer looked down. OH RATS! Had he been wearing pink all day? Well, that was a big oopsy. Lucifer waved his hand... and if anything his outfit got pinker. The heck? He tried again. Ok, so cleaning his bellhop outfit via magic was doing something dastardly to the color. Lucifer blamed inebriated Lucifer. That guy just couldn't keep his magic together it seemed. Why else would his uniform suddenly be cursed?
“Dad and Al will promise not to use magic if they lose. Right?” Charlie looked at her Dad and gave him her puppy-dog eyes. He could never say no to his baby, especially when she brought out the eyes.
“Sure thing Char Char, I've never done laundry using a machine this will be fun! I'm told that those machines make lots of bubbles.”
“Uhh, ya see where I'm not likin' this?” Angel asked again.
“I'm sure it will be fine,” Charlie smiled. “What about you Al?”
“I often assist Niffty with the cleaning anyway. This will be no bother.”
“Where is Nifft?” Angel asked looking around probably waiting for the little maid to suddenly burst from the woodwork. Lucifer wouldn't put it out of the realm of possibilities. Lucifer lifted his feet off the floor half expecting her to run by.
“I sent her on a little errand. She practically volunteered!” Alastor told the group. “She should return by later this evening.”
“What keeps us from cheating? Lying just to get rid of our cards?” Husk asked Charlie.
“I would hope that everyone will be honest...” Charlie chewed on her lip as if she hadn't considered cheating to be a possibility. His sweet, honest, pure dew drop was the best!
“Oh, that won't be an issue. Sharlanda can tell if a person is lying to her. She'll give a certain dumb demon a firm scolding if he tries to C-word.” Lucifer flicked his eyes around looking for dark shadows and fists coming at him from above. Instead, Echo nearly knocked him out of his chair by kicking it from below. Dang it! Stupid shadow. It was too... shadowy! Lucifer didn't think to check under his own chair!
“Sounds kinky,” Angel laughed.
Charlie picked up the deck and shuffled the cards then she passed them to Vaggie and she dealt the cards.
Lucifer couldn't wait for them all to be passed out and picked them up individually as they were dealt.
“Um, Char? What sort of cards are these?”
Angel peaked at his cards and grinned. “Oh, I know!”
“The lady at the store said they were 'getting to know you' cards. I thought they were perfect for tonight's exercise.”
“Oh, would you look at that! I must get going. How unfortunate. I'll take my loss.” Alastor put his cards down and stood up.
“Oh, come on, Al. You promised you'd participate!”
“My Dear, these cards are of an adult nature...” Alastor coughed delicately his ears flattening to his head.
“Na, Smiles these are PG13 at most. They's used in slumber parties.”
“I would argue that they are not.”
“The box says they are 16+.” Vaggie picked up the black box and turned it over.
“It's not his fault that the silly deer can't stay up late with the other kids...” Lucifer teased.
There was a scratch of static and one more light bump from below Lucifer's chair. If a certain shadow didn't knock it off, he'd put a flood light under his seat. No shadows allowed! A dark spot slid out from his chair and gave him a dirty look. Then it moved across the floor and formed a small ball to sit beside Sharlanda on the coffee table. Lucifer hadn't ever seen a shadow pout, but Echo was doing a great job.
Alastor glared at Lucifer but then sat back down. This caused Charlie to beam at the stupid daughter-stealing deer. Why did he get her megawatt smile just for not being an asshole?
“Who goes first,” Husk asked moving his cards around in his hand.
“We'll go to the right. Since I shuffled and Vaggie dealt, that would be you, Angel.”
“'Kay. Do I just put the card down?”
“We'll start a discard stack next to the draw.”
“Right, so mine says If you were going to prank call anyone who would it be? Well, I think it'd be real funny to prank call Short King.”
“Hey!” Lucifer protested.
Angel grinned at him and put his card down.
“Would you tell a friend their boyfriend was cheating and why?” Husk read his card. “No, because it's not my business.” Then he put the card down.
“Your turn, Al.” Charlie smiled encouragingly.
Instead of answering Alastor chose to discard one card and draw two. Whatever he drew made him even more unhappy as his ears twitched and Echo left Sharlanda to wrap around his shoulders to peak.
“Dad?”
“Uh?” Oh right! Lucifer glanced down at his cards and picked the one he read first. “Who was your first crush? Well, honestly I don't know?”
“It wasn't Mom?” Charlie asked.
“No, um... you see that was more of an 'Oh damn so this is happening huh?' It came out of nowhere for me, so no crushing phase. I blinked and then I was married. A whirlwind thing.” Lucifer shifted in his seat. He didn't like talking about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
He glanced at Sharlanda's halo. No one had noticed he'd taken off his ring had they? That inebriated Lucifer had repurposed it? He really didn't want Char to ask hard questions that he honestly didn't know the answers to.
“Mine says:” Vaggie said quickly taking everyone's attention away from... Sharlanda. Why was everyone looking at her? Had she made a joke when Lucifer was busy being morose? “Who out of the friend group is the hottest? Charlie.”
Awwwe, silly Vaggie had the hots for his baby! His baby was the best after all. Everyone should love her... no! No, not everyone should love her that would be weird, but she was very cute and so easy to love! She was beautiful and kind and...
“OOOkkkaaay...” Charlie blushed and picked a card out of her hand at random. “Would you date the person to your right? Sorry, Angel.” Charlie shook her head no.
“Now sweat, toots. You's not my type either.” Angel shuffled his cards looking at them. “What's the silliest nickname you've ever given someone and why? Moonie. He liked to hang his rear-end out of car windows and give the neighborhood a show.”
“What's the weirdest food combination you've ever tried? Strawberries and balsamic vinegar,” Husk answered.
“Eww,” Angel said.
“It's good.”
Alastor reached for the pile of cards again.
“Al, you promised to participate,” Charlie cautioned.
He huffed but pulled his hand back. He wasn't allowed to lose on purpose.
Alastor frowned, “What's the weirdest thing you've ever done to get someone's attention? Insulted them to their face.”
Lucifer glanced at Sharlanda. Nope, she didn't protest so Lucifer guessed that was the best the deer could do.
“What’s something you’d consider unforgivable? Betrayal,” Lucifer was beginning to not like this game. But at least the question had been vaguely worded, it hadn't asked for the one thing he considered the most unforgivable... Nope, we were not going gloomy tonight. Focus!
“What’s the nicest thing someone has done for you? Taken me in when I had nothing.”
“I'd do it again!” Charlie beamed. “If you were going to get a tattoo what would it be and why? Oh! Um. A rainbow? Oh, with a unicorn... because they are my favorite!”
“What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? Selling ma soul to Val.”
“What's the weirdest thing you've done in public? Pissed. Not sure if that's weird though. Maybe singing sea-shanties while pissin'?”
“How do you like to be comforted when you’re sad or upset?” Alastor whispered his answer before he put down the card. If Lucifer didn't have great hearing he might have missed the... “Get my ears pet.”
“Sorry Al, what did you say?” Charlie asked.
“I won't repeat it,” Alastor hummed to himself and shifted on the loveseat.
“Fine, but if we can't hear the answer it won't count from now on. Your turn Dad.”
Lucifer stared at his remaining cards and really didn't like this game. He considered trading one in for two more... no... only Alastor had done that so far. Everyone else looked set to push right through their hands.
“What was your hardest goodbye in life so far?” Lucifer read. Then he took a deep breath. “There have been a lot. A lot a lot. I could say Heaven, Dad, my siblings, or even She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but I don't think I'll ever get over that moment when Charlie was taken from me.”
“Oh Dad,” Charlie leapt up and pounced on him giving him the best hug. It really did lessen the anxiety he was feeling. His baby was the best. He tucked his face into her neck and breathed in her scent as she babbled. He was here now, with her, living with her. He was doing better. He would do his very best not to fall into that dark place again. If not for himself, then for her.
After a few more comforting words Vaggie's turn came around. She chose to draw two cards.
“If you were a ghost, how would you haunt people?” Charlie read. “Um, how? But I don't think I'd be a ghost?”
“I think it's askn' what kinda spooky shenanigans would yous get up to?” Angel offered a suggestion. “Like peeping in the boy's locker room.”
“Oh, I wouldn't do that. I might float around the park and urge people not to litter?”
“A haunted recyclin' bin,” Angel laughed. Everyone gave a small chuckle at that. It was so Charlie.
He smirked and then read his card. “What's one thing you don't like about yourself? My feet.”
“What’s one thing most people don’t know about you? I like magic shows.”
Lucifer would have to remember that! Maybe Husk and Angel could be best buddies! Angel could perform tricks and Husk liked tricks! BFFs!
“Husky, I would do all the tricks for you!”
Charlie cleared her throat as Angel began to laugh.
“I'll pass.”
“Do you believe in soulmates?” Alastor quickly read his card in the middle of their conversation. Smart, if no one was paying attention it still counted. “Yes.” Lucifer had to have misheard that. The Radio Demon was a romantic? Alastor's growls prompted Lucifer to pick one of his remaining cards.
“When was the last time you felt inspired to create something?” Lucifer frowned. Did his ducks count? “I think my ducks...” When was the last time he'd felt really inspired? Other than the ducks?
Vaggie scowled at her cards, “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I don't trust easily.”
“What do you consider the ultimate comfort food? Pancakes.”
“Great choice!” Lucifer beamed. He'd have chosen pancakes too.
“Imma draw,” Angel discarded his last card and picked up two.
“Same.” Husk followed suit.
“Who was your first kiss? I've never,” the Radio Demon said. Sharlanda gave a short squeak.
“I most certainly am not lying!”
Sharlanda squeaked.
Lucifer could feel the pressure of Sharlanda 'communicating' with Alastor. Lucifer had no idea that Sharlanda had gained the ability to speak in anything but Sqeakerese. Telepathic therapist duck was not on his Hell Bingo card that's for sure. He wondered what other new skills Sharlanda had gained from his little angelic upgrade.
“That doesn't count!”
Sharlanda squeaked again.
“If just smashing lips together is kissing then his first kiss was Adam and we know he doesn't count that!” Alastor pointed at Lucifer. When had he shared that? It was probably inebriated Lucifer, he had a lot of 'splaining to do.
“I think Sharlanda thinks it does, care to share with the rest of the group?” Angel pressed his luck.
“You were there!” Alastor pointed at Angel. “Infernal menace!” Then he growled.
“Wait... really? Last night was your first kiss?” Angel grinned. “Oh, I think I have to agree with Smiles, Duckie, that doesn't count. One of them was taken by surprise and the other was too drunk to realize he was doing it. A real first kiss happens between two people who are both into it.”
Huh? Did Angel kiss Alastor? How had he missed that! He was on Angel's side on this one. Alastor had a point, Lucifer didn't consider the one non-consensual lip assault by Adam to be his first kiss. Azrael had been his first kiss... and that had been a goodbye kiss not romantic at all. He hadn't kissed She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named until their marriage. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named didn't like intimacy of any sort.
Why was Charlie looking at him like that? Lucifer double-checked his appearance. No wings, and his tail wasn't acting up, other than the alarming shade of pink he was wearing he had all limbs in place.
“Uh, Dad? Your turn.”
“Ok, This question is dumb so I'm drawing.” There was no way he was going to answer what was his biggest regret. Allowing his dark emotions to create a rift between him and his shining star. He'd always regret not being a better father. He swore he wouldn't end up like his own dad and he turned around and fell into that cycle of neglect anyway. Bad Lucifer, no cookie. But he was doing better now. Sharlanda had really helped him with that.
“What is your all-time favorite memory? That would be... the first time Charlie kissed me, but watching Adam double die is a close second.”
“Awwee that's so sweet! I really have no idea how to answer this last card so I'm going to draw.”
“When was the last time you were jealous and why? I think it's when I watch people who are real in love. Not the stuff on TV, but when yous see someone just happy to be around someone else. I want that.”
“Do you believe in monogamy? Yes.” Husk answered.
“What's an embarrassing thing you've done and never told anyone about?” Alastor read his card and tapped it on his thigh before discarding it. “I enjoyed playing with the Legion.”
Sharlanda squeaked again.
Alastor frowned and apparently was in a heated argument with her considering the ways his ears were reacting.
She gave a loud affronted squeak and seven stuffed plushie dolls appeared beside her on the table. They were very accurate stuffed versions of everyone in Hazbin. They weren't the stereotypical Voodoo dolls, but the Xs for eyes gave them away.
Angel's Xs were different colored threads, probably to represent his heterochromia. He had a cute little Hell Pig beside him. Alastor had given Angel a fluffy pink blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The other members of Hazbin also had comfort items somewhere on their doll's person. Charlie got a stack of felted pancakes and a little Kee Kee. Husk was given a mug of something green and a set of felted headphones. Vaggie had a stuffed mini doll of Charlie and her spear. Niffty was wearing a necklace of cockroaches. And Lucifer...
The entire building shook and the window was shattered by the static burst that came from the Radio Demon. The loveseat was thrown against the wall...no, partially through the wall. The lights above them exploded and caused an electrical fire to start in the ceiling. Tentacles sprang up and gathered all the dolls.
“You've no right to meddle with my poppets!” Alastor yelled, then disappeared into his shadows.
“I need a drink,” Husk said into the silence that followed and got up to head to the bar. “Don't go after him if you value your limbs.”
“Ok, that's... something.” Charlie was partially out of her seat, her first instinct was to go after Alastor, but Husk's words made her pause and rethink her actions. “I think this went fairly well. Some of us have more to process. I for one am going to bed and eating this whole ass cake!”
Charlie picked up the chocolate cake and just left the room.
“Charlie, wait up!” Vaggie stood up and followed after her.
Lucifer and Angel stared at one another. Had that just happened? That had just happened. OH NO! His baby, was sad! Lucifer had to do something. But what was better than chocolate cake? He couldn't top chocolate!
Dangnabbit, Sharlanda this was a prime example of therapy not therapying! The stupid deer may have insulted her, but still! She was an angel now and was supposed to be forgiving! No... no... that didn't track. Since when had any angel been the forgiving sort? Had he accidentally made Sharlanda more ruthless? Well... Heck.
“Sharlanda,” Lucifer hazarded, “I know he insulted you, but I don't think embarrassing him like that was ok.” Sharlanda gave a sad squeak already regretting her hasty actions. “No, just make sure to say sorry later, your emotions are only human even if you aren't physically... human that is.”
After delivering his lecture he moved to stand up intending to follow his sunflower. A heavy blanket popped up above him and buried him against his chair. It was a very nice blanket and a cuddle under it would be lovely, but his baby!
A mug of hot cocoa appeared and headphones playing soothing rainstorm sounds covered his ears.
“Are you trying to tell me not to go after her?” Lucifer asked Sharlanda. She gave a squeak and he sighed.
“So are we not gonna talk about how mushy-gushy Smiles actually is?”
“I don't want to have to clean the room twice tonight, Angel,” Lucifer said waving his hand and righting the room. Why the wall? The poor wall. What did it ever do to anybody?
“But... he likes us!”
“Seems like it.”
“He gave you a sweater!”
“I saw.”
“A hand-knitted apple sweater...”
“You had a stuffed pig,” Lucifer pointed out.
“Ya, but Lil Nugs was felted the sweater was hand knitted with itty bitty needles.”
“He put a lot of effort into all of our...dolls?”
“He called them poppets.”
“Poppets... I could feel the magic radiating off them. He's put a lot of care and attention into them.”
“Can't take the Voodoo out of the bayou,” Angel grinned. “It's sooooo sweet.”
Lucifer couldn't disagree. The dolls, poppets, were a very surprising soft side to the crafty, creepy, cantankerous deer demon.
Lucifer glanced down at the card in his hand. What type of person do you picture ending up with? Damn.
Char had a brilliant idea. Chocolate cake in bed. His baby was so smart. He gave Sharlanda the stink-eye and unbundled himself. He left the blanket and the headphones in the common area, but he took his hot cocoa with him.
Notes:
Next chapter... Lucifer does his laundry
Chapter Text
Chapter 13
Parker was very upset with him, that much was obvious from the way he sat on the shelf his little duck-tail stuck up in the air facing Lucifer.
“It's cursed!” Lucifer tried explaining again. “I didn't mean to turn it Drunk Tank Pink!”
Sure, he was the one who'd likely cursed the bellhop uniform, and he couldn't figure out how he did it. Inebriated Lucifer was a loose cannon. There should be a law about magicking while under the influence. In his case, he'd ended up with an angelic duck therapist and cursed clothes!
“I don't know how to fix it!” Lucifer pleaded. How did you get the pink out of white clothes?
Well, if Parker wasn't going to help he'd have to figure it out himself.
After looking for his phone, he looked it up. There wasn't anything about undoing curses on clothes, but there was a handy how-to article about getting color bleeding out of white. That sounded like just the thing!
Lucifer was going to do laundry!
“Scrubba dub dub, Bitches!” Lucifer announced to the empty hotel laundry.
The room was large and in the basement of the hotel. Several upright industrial washing machines lined a wall and several dryers lined the opposite wall. Along the far wall was a long table that could be used for folding. Nearby the washing machines were three large hotel laundry carts.
One was for the standard white hotel bedding that Niffty changed out weekly even if the rooms were unused. The second was for the towels that also got changed weekly if unused. The third had other miscellaneous hotel fabrics that needed to be cleaned. Curtains, rugs, and what looked like some sort of canvas bag full of white cotton rope. Why did the hotel need their ropes washed? Why did the hotel need rope?
Beside the laundry carts was another room. Inside that room was the laundry distribution system. Magic baby! A resident could toss their used laundry into their personalized laundry chute and it would end up down here in their own basket! Everyone had their own basket with their name written in Charlie's handwriting. Huh...Lucifer glanced at his overflowing basket. His socks were spilling out onto the floor and they were looking a bit crusty. He hadn't really been thinking about what was happening to the used laundry he was sending down here. He hadn't been washing them... and so it had piled up... nearly two months of piled up... huuu boy. He usually magically washed his outer clothes, but anything that touched his torso had to be washed manually otherwise it itched. He had two months of socks, gloves, undies, and undershirts to clean.
Well, it was a good thing Lucifer was going to do laundry now! With how big the washing machines were he could wash it all at once. Work smarter, not harder!
He picked up his overflowing hamper losing socks all over the floor. Two trips! He dumped half the clothes on the floor and took the remaining to the washing machine. He tossed all those clothes in and then went back for the rest.
He was doing great until it came time to figure the rest out. Soap was needed, right? Right! Where was the soap? Lucifer looked around and found a 5-gallon bucket of white powder. This smelled like soap so it probably was soap! He eyed the scoop lying in the bucket. How many of those? Ten seemed to be a good number. Ten scoops of soap. Yep, he was killing this laundry thing.
Now how to get the washing machine to...wash. He started by pressing buttons. Hot seemed better than cold. It would sterilize all the germs that had accumulated on his laundry while they sat for two months. Was this a large load? Probably, even if the machine only looked half-full. Delicate, causal, towels, heavy duty... His clothes had been sitting around a while, and they probably needed the heavy-duty job. Extra rinse? Sure, why not?
The machine gave a cheerful-sounding beep and water began to fill the drum. Whoo hoo! Look at that! He was pleased with himself until he realized he'd forgotten the uniform! Blast. Changing out of the uniform into his comfies, he tossed the jacket and hat into another machine. Then he checked the instructions on his phone.
“To get your whites back to white after turning them pink you should wash them in a bleach and water solution...” Lucifer read out loud. Bleach? Was that a different kind of soap?
He went over to the shelves where Niffty stored a bunch of chemical-looking things. He found a box of 6 gallons of bleach and one freshly opened gallon on the shelf. Perfect!
He dumped the gallon of bleach into the drum of the washing machine. Hoo boy did that stuff stink! He repeated the process of selecting the wash cycles he wanted. His phone told him to wash in cold water and since this was a small load he changed that.
That was easy! Why had Charlie made this a punishment?
He glanced at his first load. Ohhh! The bubbles! Lucifer watched as a black sock smacked against the window and a white undershirt took its place. So many bubbles he was sure that his clothes were getting extra clean!
Maybe he could help out a bit more? He stuffed all the sheets and pillowcases into one machine. He added 10 scoops of the soap and because he thought whiter was better he added the gallon of bleach. He repeated the process for the towels.
He held up the brilliant blue curtains. They were a stiff sort of fabric with delicate gold thread. Very nice. Charlie had such great taste. He wasn't sure how to go about washing rugs or ropes, so he just stuck to the curtains. Since they weren't white and weren't very dirty he gave them 5 scoops of soap. Look at him being economical! Yay!
How long did washing take? 10 minutes? Surely, he had enough time to walk away and make a cup of coffee. Even if it got finished sooner the laundry wouldn't be going anywhere.
Coffee time!
“Coffee, coffee, coff-eeee!” Lucifer sang to a conga-line remix and danced around the kitchen filling the pot and adding the grounds to the coffee machine. “Coffee, coffee, coff-eeee! Doo doo doo doo do doo!”
Blast! The sugar bowl was nearly empty. “Sugar, sugar, suu-gar!” He dug through the pantry and while he couldn't find the white sugar he found brown. Good enough! What went great with brown sugar? Cinnamon! Heck ya, cinnamon and brown sugar coffee!
What went great with coffee? Pancakes! Super HECK YA!
Lucifer got out the mixing bowl and the ingredients. Flour, what was left of the white sugar plus a bit of brown, baking powder, baking soda, salt, milk, vanilla, and one eggie! Pancakes was the king of breakfast foods and no one could tell him different.
Ok, so he may have gone a bit overboard... twelve perfectly round pancakes were piled on a plate. He debated with himself. No, he'd only eat two! Two only! He put a stasis spell over the rest of the pancakes and left them in the kitchen for others to enjoy.
“NOOOO!!!!!” Lucifer searched the cupboards in vain. There wasn't any syrup. Just the yucky karo kind. No sugar, no syrup! The hotel was going to Hell in a hand-basket! How could this travesty have happened!!! Good thing Lucifer kept an emergency supply of syrup behind the bar. One of his favorite cocktails was Bourbon, crème de peche, lemon juice, maple syrup, ginger syrup, and egg white. Lucifer's Maple Peach Surprise! Not copyrighted or trademarked, screw you Mammon.
Pancakes, properly syrup-ed, Lucifer dug in! Yup. The Best.
He'd have to go grocery shopping... that would be another helpful thing to do right? He'd buy sugar. A lot of sugar, since it didn't go bad. He'd buy a bunch of syrup too. While maple ruled there were other syrups. Never hurt to have a variety.
“Maple, duh. Pumpkin, blueberry, strawberry, chocolate, caramel, boysenberry, and date with honey. That should be a good start. Maybe someone would like some marmalade and jellies?” That would extend his shopping list a bit.
Lucifer finished his breakfast and his coffee. Then he set out to the store!
Problem was he didn't know where the store was. He circled around a block. According to his phone, there was supposed to be a grocery store right here. However, he was looking up at a cobbler for custom shoes. He really doubted that they sold syrup.
He looked around, maybe across the street? Nope. Just a small crowd of sinners who were trying their best not to stare at their king. Lucifer did a quick self-check. He was dressed... oops. Well, at least going out in duckie-themed pajama bottoms was better than being naked. Lucifer stepped around the corner and out of sight. Then he changed his clothes. There. Presentable.
Teeth? He freshened them.
Extra limbs... wait, he wanted those. Wings out! Whoosh. Flying was a much better mode of transport anyway! He took to the air and searched for that one telling sign of grocery stores everywhere, the shopping cart corral!
HA! Take that stupid GPS! He landed in the parking lot and found himself his own cart. He stepped on the back of the cart and propelled himself forward with a burst of wings.
♪♫“Zoom, zoom, zoom. I'm zoomin' in this room. My zoomies are forever. Zoom, zoom, zoom! I'm zoomin' over here, I'm zoomin' over there.”♪♫
Oh shit! Lucifer came to a sudden halt when the cart shot right into a parked car. Oops! Lucifer assessed the damage to the car he banged into. Just a little magical buffing and no one would ever know! Wasn't him!
Whistling happily he walked, not zoomed, into the store.
Oh dear, he may have messed up. Lucifer looked at the stack of groceries laying around the kitchen. Perhaps six gallons of maple syrup and a 25lb bag of sugar was too much, but how was he to know that the store he went into was one of those that sold only in bulk?!
He'd have to alter the pantry... Blast. But he'd do it! Because he was helpful productive Lucifer today! He was going to do such a good job!
Pulling up his metaphorical sleeves he got to work creating a massive walk-in pantry. They'd need it eventually as more guests checked in. He added a walk-in refrigerator and a walk-in freezer to the new pantry. Then he thought about it and added a second smaller chest refrigerator-freezer combo in the corner. Then he put up a sign. 'Moat Gator Food Only!' There was a picture of a deer holding a person aloft with its tentacles.
Above the chest refrigerator-freezer, he put up hooks and hung new cast iron pans from them like the ones Alastor liked to use. A shelf above the pans for a set of Cordierite baking things, and um... how about a cast iron dutch oven? Then a full set of cooking utensils. He gave the cooking stuff a once over, then turned them all bright red. That would make it easier for Alastor to keep his more... questionable... culinary proclivities separate from the normal food.
In the pantry room itself, he created shelves. All sorts of shelves. Wall shelves, shelves that hung from the ceiling, and free-standing shelves. With all the shelves the room seemed a bit darker. So he added track lighting to the shelves so that you could really see what you were grabbing. No dark corners here!
The room looked really empty, even once he put the syrups, jellies, and sugar away. Once more people were at the hotel, the more food they'd have to make and the more the shelves would fill. It was an investment in the future. He really hoped Char Char liked it.
But once back in the kitchen... This was a kitchen meant for home-cooked meals, not the industrial kitchen that a hotel needed. Lucifer was loathed to mess with the kitchen. He liked the homey atmosphere, coffee around the circular table, and a family-like vibe. Booo, that the stupid deer had been the one to create it. No, he wouldn't industrialize the kitchen. The only thing he'd do was elongate the counter, plop in an extra stove, and put two large ovens into the far wall. He had to remove the hooks where the aprons hung but he found a nice piece of wall in the pantry for them.
“BAD BOY!” Niffty ran into the kitchen and under the table to climb the counter and look him in the face. She grabbed him by the lapels and pressed far too close. It took everything in Lucifer's power not to yelp and back away.
“You did laundry!” Niffty said, or maybe accused was a better term?
“Uh, yes?” Lucifer would never admit that he'd forgotten that he'd started laundry.
“Don't wash darks and lights! Your whites got dingy! I rewashed them and dried them. They are on the table in a basket waiting to be folded. I didn't think you'd want me folding your panties.”
“Uh, no. And thank you,” Lucifer said.
“You washed sheets and towels. How much soap did you use?” Her large eye got even closer causing the skin on the back of Lucifer's neck to goose-pimple.
“Ten? And a gallon of bleach.”
“A quarter of that. A quarter at most!” Niffty tutted and shook her head. “That would explain the suit. You used the same amount for that didn't you?”
“Yes?”
“Too much. You ruined the suit. R.I.P.”
“What? Really?”
“Yes. The red trim turned yellow-orange and the white of the suit is now more yellowed. Too much bleach. Don't bleach colors. There is color-safe bleach.” She let go of his jacket and finally backed up.
“Dang it! Parker is going to go on strike I just know it. Alastor is going to say I'm not keeping the terms of our bet.” He really hoped there was something he could do to fix the mess. What was color-safe bleach anyway? Shouldn't all cleaning products be created equal? Booo!
“Mr. Alastor hasn't come out of his room. 'No cleaning today Nifft,' he said. He always lets me clean his rooms. Always! I have to make sure there are no invaders from his swamp! I don't trust that the barrier keeps them out. On top of that, I haven't given my report! He told me that I should tell you. So here it is! The flashy moth man is staying at his club Boobs, Butts, and Beyond. What do you think the beyond is?” She gave her report in a rush. It was so quick that it took a few beats for Lucifer's brain to catch up.
“Thank you Niffty, why don't you help yourself to some pancakes, syrup's in the pantry. I'm going to go fold my laundry then have a talk with Alastor.”
“Okay!” The woman jumped off the counter and ran into the pantry. “Ohhh, nice shelves!”
Lucifer escaped. That woman was just unsettling. Why was she still carrying around that angelic steel knife? He thought for sure she was going to stab him for messing up his laundry.
Notes:
Next chapter: Luci has a talk with Alastor and discovers another one of the silly deer's secrets.
Chapter 14
Summary:
Lucifer will argue that they were microphones until the apocalypse comes... REALLY! MICROPHONES!!!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 14
Why did the laundry room seem so much cleaner? It also smelled strongly of soap. Five of the six washing machines were running, but there was nothing in them. Bubbles were seeping out of the little cups near the top. Yellowed towels were placed snugly against the bases of the machines, and they were catching the seepage from the top. More towels were tucked into other areas, and a bucket and a mop were situated by the laundry sink. Trash bags were piled up in a corner with a 'cleaning rags' sign taped to them.
A laminated black 'HOW TO DO LAUNDY!' sign was a new feature on the wall. The instructions were written in a very alarming shade of neon green, and the script looked like it was bleeding. A crayon drawing of a crying white snake in a hat, obviously Lucifer, was at the bottom of the instructions, drowning in a sea of bubbles.
Lucifer blinked at the sign and then looked around at the room. He had a feeling he'd really messed up but couldn't figure out how. He re-read the instructions. Ok, so too much soap... You had to split up loads... Only one cup of bleach? That really didn't seem right...
Lucifer walked over to the trash bags and opened one. Inside were dried yellowed towels. The other two bags were yellowed sheets with holes in them. How had that happened?
Guilt washed over him. He'd really screwed up. Niffty hadn't scolded him or anything, just told him how to do his laundry. He deserved a good scolding. From the looks of things, he'd made a real mess, and she didn't have magic to fix the mistake like he did.
The first thing he did was sort out the washing machines. He magicked away all the leftover soap in the machines and double checked to make sure they were running nothing but water now. Next he vanished the gross wet towels, 'mopped-up' the damp room, and made sure no mold would start growing in inconvenient dark places. It was such a good idea he did a walk through of both the laundry room and the hamper room and mold-proofed both.
“I can do better than this...” Lucifer got rid of the trash bags and the ruined sheets and towels. Then, he created another shelving unit. This one was stocked full of new cleaning towels, scrubbing sponges, and Niffty-sized rubber cleaning gloves. There were empty baskets near the bottom where used towels could be tossed. Because that shelving area didn't match the old soap stocking area, he went to work putting the cleaners in order on a new shelf too, but if he was honest, he really didn't know what cleaner was what, so he put bottles together, jars together, and jugs and buckets together.
He magically folded his laundry... Oh hey, there were his favorite duckie socks yay!... and sent them to his room. He'd put them away later.
On the laundry table, he stacked up large piles of brand-new fluffy towels, very fluffy, to replace the ones he ruined. Same for the sheets. He didn't spot the curtains but just in case, he made a stack of those as well.
Finally, he created a magical label maker, he made it digital. All she'd have to do was type in the label she wanted, then aim and shoot. Fancy. He attached a huge red bow and a note to it. He hoped the woman liked her apology gift.
The last thing he needed to address was his bellhop outfit.
Niffty had been correct. It was a mess. Holes, discoloration, and something had gone wrong with the thread leaving the left arm partially detached. Parker must never know! He'd pack up his family and move to the Bermuda Triangle! Lucifer would never be able to find him to beg for forgiveness.
Lucifer tried one last shot at magic. It was a long shot, and he really didn't expect for it to work. Lucifer looked at his uniform and sighed. It hadn't worked, not really, but at least he'd 'fixed' it enough so that Parker wouldn't leave him. He'd recovered the suit back to the time before he'd washed it. A bright pink bellhop ensemble sat in front of him. It was far better than the mess he'd made of it by trying to wash the color out.
Embracing the pink, it really wasn't that bad, he re-dressed. He wouldn't have the stinky deer accuse him of trying to wiggle out of a bet. Nope. Even if he hadn't really lost.
Lucifer stood in front of Alastor's door. This was awkward, but he was helpful Lucifer today, and he wasn't going to be stingy with his assistance even if it was towards a sulky cantankerous deer. He just needed to knock. Lift his hand and knock. He'd say hello. Alastor would say hello. Then what?
That was the part that made Lucifer hesitate. What was he supposed to do? Say 'hey, deer-boy, sorry you're embarrassed, buck up. Get it? Buck?' Ha!
No, that wouldn't work and it would likely lose Lucifer a limb. Those were a pain to grow back.
Ok, so he'd knock and then say 'how's the weather up there?'
No, that was really dumb. Do better, Lucifer!
'Your poppets were nice?' That might work, but it could also backfire because that had been the source of the problem to begin with.
“Ugggh,” He knelt down and began to draw microphones on the carpet while he thought of a plan. It wasn't his fault they looked like male genitalia! He wasn't drawing twigs and berries in front of a certain daughter-stealer's door... NOPE. They were firmly in the microphone camp.
People peopling was not Lucifer's strong suit. He really didn't understand some of the actions that sinners took. Humans were just strange if anyone asked him. Some of them were more interesting than others, but all of them were curiosities. Why did they act the way they did? How did they justify their actions?
It was a different sort of mindset than Lucifer had. He wasn't naturally a duplicitous person at all and really struggled with the darker emotions that he'd once considered to be purely a human thing. He'd long learned that angels were just as susceptible to the bad as well as the good. Fallen or not didn't stop that. He'd been so innocent once. Eons in Hell had tainted him, but that didn't mean that he understood the actions of sinners.
Alastor was a sinner, no matter how cute and fluffy he was. He had been human once. Humans... geez.
He was fully cognizant that because he was in Hell, he only got to see the worst of the lot. However, Adam was proof that no one really knew what really sent a person to Heaven or Hell. There were just as many assholes in Heaven as there were good people in Hell. Lucifer understood that in the front of his mind, but in his heart, he was still that innocent angel that had been worn down by the depravity of Hell.
He didn't understand. Why. Why? If Dad's plan was so perfect, then why? He'd once been his Dad's favorite. The time they spent planning the universe were some of the best memories he had. When he'd shown Dad the first star... Lucifer had never felt more proud. He'd probably grown a bit arrogant because of that praise. He didn't think. He never really thought about his actions before he acted. It was that innocence, arrogance, and lack of thought before action that had him targeted by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was a sinner too. He didn't want to admit it, but he'd been manipulated. He'd been so pure that he hadn't understood what was happening at first. By the time he'd cottoned onto it, it was too late. They were in Hell, he was married, and he'd become the most hated person in the universe.
His marriage...
He glanced at his hand. The ring was gone. He'd tried. He really had, but he was just too different. He didn't think the same way. He could never become the person She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wanted. The human-like person She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named wanted. In the end, he couldn't blame her for leaving.
“That is quite enough.” The sound of Alastor's voice startled Lucifer so badly he fell back onto his butt. Stupid sneaky deer, doing sneaky things, being sneaky! “While I normally wouldn't stop your self-immolation, I won't be allowing you to have a pity party in front of my door. Come in, I've made coffee.”
Alastor left the door open and stepped back inside his room.
Lucifer scrambled to stand and followed him inside. He surreptitiously rubbed the phallic microphones out of the carpet with his boot.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but Lucifer was the Devil. Alastor's sitting room was something to see. All sorts of knickknacks were on display. Jars of dead bees, a crown of cockroaches, bundles of dried flowers, and all sorts of colored stones littered the spaces between the books on his shelves.
His fireplace mantle was relativity clear, though. Just a few photos. He spotted one of a grinning Charlie eating a hot dog ketchup smeared on her cheek. She was beside a sepia photo of an older woman standing in front of an old Ford Model A.
The woman in the photo was beaming up at a tall handsome young man who was holding up a diploma, but before Lucifer could begin to examine the photos on the mantle Alastor placed a hand on his shoulder and led him to a coffee table where a pot of coffee was steaming on a tray next to a bowl of sugar cubes and a pot of cream.
“Ohhh, what's this?” Lucifer picked up something that looked like an egg but felt like a stone off of Alastor's coffee table.
“Hummm, unicorn bezoar. Just in case of poison.”
A unicorn... unicorn... Oh heck! Lucifer dropped the stone as if it burned him. It landed with a heavy thud and spun nearly off the table, only to be caught by Echo, who placed it back in the center.
“How did you... Why did you... DO NOT TELL CHARLIE!”
His poor baby would go into hysterics at the thought of a slaughtered unicorn.
“It was passed naturally.” Alastor placed a mug full of coffee in front of Lucifer and settled into a tall leather chair. Lucifer slowly lowered himself into its twin.
“I have three I'm keeping. Interesting fellows. They just showed up one day and refused to leave. Charlie was most distraught that they only tolerated her and didn't take to her like butter to bread.”
“Wait... back up.” Lucifer held up his hand. “You have three Heavenly Unicorns? You? Here? In Hell?”
“They rather like my bayou.” Alastor nodded and sipped his coffee.
“But HOW!” Lucifer sputtered.
“Unicorn magic,” Alastor shrugged.
“And Charlie knows they are here?”
“Oh, yes,” Alastor nodded. “She discovered them in the old garden. Creatures decimated my carrots.”
Unicorns... in Hell. Lucifer blinked and tried to kick his brain into gear. They were notoriously only attached to pure beings. Pure of heart, pure of soul, pure of body... oh. OH!
“Virgin!” Lucifer nodded, pleased he figured it out. There was a screech of feedback, and Alastor's ears pinned back, but Lucifer ignored it to pick up his coffee.
While Alastor sulked, Lucifer sipped. It took him a bit to realize he wasn't drinking out of his usual hotel mug.
“Is this for me?” Lucifer held up the mug and grinned. A warm feeling settled in the center of his chest. A cartoon rubber duck was holding a bloody knife, and 'Duck You' was printed across the top. “I love it! Thank you!”
“I took inspiration from that charming garment you wore the other day.”
“You made it?”
“Yes. It won't break no matter how many times Charlie might drop it.”
“She does go through a lot of mugs...”
“She's a terror in the kitchen with all things.”
“Speaking of kitchens, I did a bit of a remodeling. There's a new pantry, and the old kitchen has expanded a bit. If we're going to be getting more guests, a larger kitchen was needed, but I kept it nearly the same, just bigger,” Lucifer hastened to reassure the surly deer as the static in the room built up, and Alastor flashed his teeth.
“Kitchens are the heart of a home, as my mother used to say. I do not...”
“Oh,” Lucifer interrupted, “I agree! That's why I left it all warm and homey. Just added a few more ovens and a stove. Warm and homey is 100% the theme! I actually thought we could do with a large window overlooking a garden, but that would mean moving the kitchen altogether, and I wanted to talk to you about that before shifting the entire thing.”
Alastor glared at him but brought his mug up to his lips and sipped his coffee. Finally, he put his mug down and folded his hands over his crossed knees.
“I would be amiable to that. Swap the locations of the bar and the kitchen. The kitchen would then be along the outer wall of the hotel and we could put a fine garden there. A canopy would be needed to keep the acid rain away, I had once used the pirate ship for that purpose.”
“A greenhouse attached to the kitchen?” Lucifer muttered.
“I'd prefer something more open, however, a greenhouse isn't a poor suggestion. I think flowers, lots of flowers, and herbs.”
“If it's going to be flowers, then a nice patio.”
“An outdoor luncheon space... yes. With the canopy, I might enjoy the rain whilst breakfasting.”
“Want to go downstairs and plan it out? See the new pantry?”
“Perhaps later. I was in the middle of work when you had your existential crisis in front of my door.”
“Hotel or radio?”
“Both. While I do not like the concept of call-in shows, perhaps an anonymous way for potential guest to call-in and ask questions about the hotel would be requisite.”
“Sounds like trouble, but the idea has some merit. You'll have to have someone screen the calls.”
“I had thought to ask Angel, but...”
“He'd purposefully send through the lewd calls.” Lucifer could just imagine Alastor chasing the spider through the hotel after the first heavy breather.
“Or people would just call for the chance to speak with him.”
“Vaggie would be a better choice,” Lucifer added, sipping his coffee. Alastor made the best coffee. How the cranky deer did it was a mystery Lucifer would eventually solve.
Alastor nodded and hummed pleased, and he finished his coffee.
“Whilst this break was needed...”
“Oh, I'll get out of your hair then. Niffty just asked me to check on you. She was a bit concerned you didn't allow her to clean.”
“Ah, that.” Alastor frowned and glanced around his room. “I do care for the dear, but I find myself being a tad more easily irritated than typical today. I needed some space.”
“Understood.” Lucifer stood up and took his mug with him to the door. The coffee was very good, and he wasn't going to waste it. Alastor followed him to the door. “Let me know when you'd like to start planning the kitchen swap and the garden.”
“Yes, Sire. See you at dinner.”
“I'm cooking!” Lucifer said proudly. “I found this fun recipe on the back of this soup can. It's called tuna noodle!”
“Splendid. Do add peas; that particular dish is always elevated with peas.”
Peas? Huh. He could do that.
Notes:
HA! Our Deer Boi has Unicorns walking around in his bayou. Also... ewww. It was passed naturally... LOL
Next Chapter: Luci decides to snoop! It's not tresspassing if you don't get caught!
Chapter 15
Summary:
Hamster Luci!!
He's got the squish!
Notes:
Sorry for being so late with this. I got really sick, and it took everything in me to just be a functioning human-type being.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 15
Lucifer was not trespassing... well, maybe he was. Yes, he most definitely was, but he was so sneaky that no one would ever know. So he wasn't. Nope. If no one knew, then it didn't count.
He double-checked his appearance. He had not gone kitty this time. Lesson learned. Though, a cat would have been a very excellent choice for not trespassing.
His whiskers twitched at the thought of a cat right now. That would be a disaster. Cats and rodents of any sort did not mix.
Hamster Lucifer stuck to the edges of the wall. He slowly crept around Alastor's sitting room. It wasn't fair that the silly deer had unicorns. When he'd asked to see them, Alastor's static had crackled and popped, and he gave a firm no. Booo.
It made Lucifer wonder just what sort of nefarious things their Moat Gator was hiding in his rooms. Apparently, a bayou filled with unicorns. Shocking!
Lucifer glanced up at the books on the shelf. There likely wouldn't be anything bad there. This was his sitting room, no one left the juicy stuff sitting out. Though that book near the middle left had some very questionable looking leather binding. Nope, don't think about it. It was cow, a normal regular cow, not people... Heck, it probably was people, but that wasn't surprising, really.
Lucifer tried to re-focus on his goal. Snooping!
♪♫“Snoop. Snoopity. Snoop,”♪♫ Lucifer sang below his breath.
He waddled through the sitting room and squeezed himself between the crack below the door. Silly deer, if you were going to leave spaces for sentient shadows, expect to find Hamster Lucifer taking advantage. He did have to wiggle rather harder than he'd anticipated when his booty got a bit stuck. Dang it. Lucifer's weren't chunky, they were lusciously bottomed.
He freed himself with a pop, and he shot from under the door like a champagne cork. Weeeeeee. Belly sliding was fun.
He distracted himself by sprinting and then sliding on his belly further into the room.
He slid to a halt in the middle of a new room. Not a bedroom like he'd expected. It should have been a bedroom, but there wasn't any bed. He'd set it up more like an office/dressing room. A large mahogany roll-top desk sat where a bed normally would be. Lucifer climbed up the chair and tried to lift the desk cover. Of course, the stupid deer would keep it locked. Boo.
He debated magicking it open, but that would leave a residue of his presence that he was certain the magic-savvy deer would pick up on. No, he was snooping, but he didn't want to be caught.
Giving up on the desk, he walked around the room. Closet. Filled with the same shirts and pants. A few looked more formal than others. The dresser was undies and socks, nothing salacious at all! Not even a pair of embarrassingly printed boxers! Where were the flames? The red hearts? The onesies? The ducks? Though Lucifer did learn that Alastor preferred black silky undergarments. Was that scandalous? No, not really.
This snooping expedition wasn't going well.
He looked at the three remaining doors. Door number one!
With a sigh, he waddled into the bathroom. Nothing really of note. A simple shower claw-footed tub combo. Even his hygiene products were unscented and mundane. No evidence of even a pimple problem!
Blast. In consternation, Lucifer loosened the cap on Alastor's shampoo. HA! Leak out! Make a mess! Muhhaahaa!
Next room!
Oh! This was promising! Alastor's Radio Room™.
Lucifer crawled up the sound desk and poked about. He pressed a few buttons and made the soundboard light up like a Sinsmas tree. How did the deer keep all the flashing lights sorted? Lucifer bumped into the microphone and accidentally knocked it over. Stupid fluffy hamster booty. Feedback squealed through the room, and Lucifer smashed buttons until the lights stopped blinking.
“That was close,” Lucifer muttered. “Time to scadattle!”
He jumped down from the desk and backtracked to the not-a-bed-room. There, he chose door number three. There were more bookshelves and a small kitchenette, but the most notable thing was Alastor's Bayou™. A really well-made pocket dimension that had been carefully and painstakingly created. Lucifer was appreciative of good craftsmanship, and Alastor was a veritable artist. Bravo, crafty deer.
Lucifer inspected the kitchenette hoping to find some clue to how Alastor made his coffee. No luck, as it looked just like all the other coffee stuff in the hotel kitchen. The honest deer wasn't holding out on them, it seemed.
NEXT!
Lucifer waddled into the bayou. He was sort of hoping to spot the unicorns but was quickly distracted. A few stupidly tall demon steps into the bayou, and to the left was a gazebo type thingy.
As Lucifer got closer, he realized it wasn't a gazebo. It just had the round shape of one. Elegant hand-carved walnut made up the frame, and draped over the frame was a swath of pale maroon mosquito netting. Even though nary a 'squito could be found.
Lucifer expected some sort of outdoor seating, but instead, he found a large round bed sunken into the ground. It was a tent! A hidey-hole bed!
The bed was sunk flush to the ground but wasn't touching earth as the 'frame' of the bed was the same walnut wood as the tent frame. Lucifer waddled around the tent-bed inspecting it. It was interesting that one could step from the grass directly into bed. Did the dirt-eater like sleeping with dirt too?
Lucifer placed a paw on the red bed sheets and immediately curled his toes.
Oh!! My!!
How could a bed be so squishy!? Lucifer climbed in and began to hop around. All four of his little legs splooted out every time he landed. So squishy! Marshmallow bed! Bounce, bounce, bounce!
Lucifer burrowed under the comforter and wiggled around. So comfy, and it smelled so good, Spring thunderstorms. Stupid smelling-good deer.
♪♫“Dooo, dootty, dooo, I'm gonna destroy you!”♪♫ He sang. He tunneled around under the blanket until he found pillows. YAY!
He bit into one of the pillows, causing a small hole. Feathers poofed out. HA! Served the stupid deer right! Hiding such wonderful bed technology should be punished! Lucifer pulled out a few pawfuls of feathers and scattered them about. Super HA!
Lucifer stretched and wiggled around in the feathers. Stupid goose feathers had nothing on him! He circled twice and got comfy. Such a nice bed. YAWWWWN!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
“The evidence, My Dear,” Alastor waved to the mess of feathers and the white and gold hamster laying in his bed.
“Um, ok. So this is problematic...” She blinked up at him and tilted her head. “Why didn't you just kick him out?”
“I haven't been able to wake him. He didn't wake when I stormed in, and he didn't budge when I pulled that pillow away from him. He is deeply asleep. I'd considered moving him, but that would require my picking him up, something I am loathe to do without waking consent. Thus, I endeavored to gain your assistance.”
“Oh! I see. Ya, that makes sense,” she nodded and circled his bed. She bent down in the grass and quickly scooped up her father. The little hamster snorted and cuddled into her palm. Alastor could see the rainbows and hearts practically light up above her head. She was always the sort to gush over cute and small things.
“I'll talk to him about the pillows when he wakes up.”
“Also remind him that a person's bedchambers are private. Even though my nest is unorthodox, I expect it to be treated as such.”
“Oh, I agree,” she quickly nodded and held her father to her chest protectively. “I promise to talk with him. Thanks for not eating him,” she jested.
“With him being that small, he wouldn't even make much of an appetizer.”
“I know you're joking, but still...” She sighed and gave him a lovely smile. “Thank you.”
Notes:
Luci leaves the hotel to visit a strip club. LOL
Chapter Text
Chapter 16
That hadn't gone as planned. He'd even been scolded by Charlie. She was so good at scolding, a real pro. She even made him feel a little guilty about ripping up the dumb deer's pillow. A-1 scolding! 5 stars!
He'd been so sufficiently scolded that he'd seen fit to meander away from the hotel. A little meander. A very minor one. If that tiny meander lead him to a rather loud and obnoxious strip club... HA! But don't tell Charlie! Shhh. This was a super secret mission! No daughters allowed!
Boobs, Butts, and Beyond seemed to be doing rather steady business. He watched from the convenience store across the street as a group of imps were semi-forcefully hustled into the establishment by a couple of large shark demons.
“Well, that's not very nice,” Lucifer muttered into the display of frozen treats.
“Sir,” A little old sinner lady with the characteristics of a Dodo sighed and leaned against her counter. She had on a beige smock with a name stitched in the corner, but the name embroidered on it was so old Lucifer couldn't read it. She pulled a cigarette out of a pack and lit it. She looked like she'd been there seen it all and wasn't happy that she'd gathered a collection of bumper stickers. “Buy something or leave.”
Well, he could do that! He looked down at the ice creams in the chest freezer in front of the window.
“Do you have one you'd recommend?”
“The lemon ice is good, but I like things simple.”
Lucifer looked down, there were orange, lemon, and raspberry Italian ices. They did look appealing. He couldn't decide so he grabbed all of them. As many as he could fit into his basket.
“These will melt before you can eat them,” the lady warned as she began to scan his stuff.
“I'm going to send them straight to my freezer,” he explained. Did this woman not recognize him? He was Lucifer. Not to toot his own horn but he was pretty recognizable.
“Don't care,” the woman stated. “I'm too old to be surprised by anything anymore.”
“Oh...” Well, he could commiserate with that at least.
“You're older than me... how do you continue to care?” The woman paused in her scanning to flick the ash off the end of her cigarette. She glanced up at him as she brought the cigarette back up to her beak. The question was a bit invasive, but it was asked with sincerity so he'd do his best to answer. What a good king he was.
“There are times when I lose my will,” Lucifer admitted. “When the ageless start getting really... dead inside, then we have to undergo a memory cleanse.”
“What's that?” She looked up at him and he didn't miss the slight spark of hope in her eyes. What had this poor woman been through that she wanted a memory cleanse? It was typically only used after an ageless person lived several hundred years. In his case, every couple thousand or so.
Sinners, while technically ageless, were able to re-die and re-spawn. It resulted in a similar sort of mind reset. Lucifer had never considered that not all sinners were bound to that cycle. Long before most sinners got to the point of needing something like a memory cleanse, they typically attempted at least one suicide.
“After living so long a person collects a lot of useless memories. Things that aren't important, but can weigh down the mind and soul. Of the tens of thousands of people a person can meet in a lifetime, not all of them are worth remembering. The person you accidentally bumped into on the sidewalk... that sort of memory will be gone.'
“For other more memorable memories, a memory cleanse makes them feel distant. That time you got mugged... you'll no longer hold onto the details connected to that memory. You'll remember it happening, but it will all be behind a fuzzy sort of haze. The very important things will stick no matter how many times you try to cleanse yourself though.”
“Can anyone do this thing? A memory cleanse?” The woman asked interested.
“Well... I think Bel is still doing medical research on it.” At least she had been last time Lucifer checked in on her research. He should check on that again at some point, you had to keep eyeballs on the Sins or else they went willy-nilly on wild tangents prone to make Hell even more chaotic than it already was. “It couldn't hurt to email Dreamsville General and inquire, but you'll need to petition for a passport to Sloth. Um, stop by Hazbin Hotel. We're doing a redemption passport thingy, but if you can get into a medical study in Sloth I'll overlook that requirement.”
“Might look into it,” she said noncommittally while taking a huge inhale of her smoke.
A sinner in a black ski cap burst through the door waving a gun.
“Gimme ya money!”
The woman turned to look at the sinner and stubbed out her cigarette.
“New to Hell? Welcome. Now fuck off.”
The sinner stormed up to the counter and waved the gun next to Lucifer's head.
“I'll kill this asshole, don't think I won't!”
“Huh, well this is new,” Lucifer muttered. He lifted his finger and poked it into the barrel of the gun. “Do you get these sorts of people in here often?”
“Every so often new guys get it into their heads that robbing convenience stores is simple. They don't know about the wards and shit the bosses put up.”
“MONEY!” The sinner yelled.
“No,” the woman said simply with a shrug.
“I'll kill him!”
“So?” She blinked at the sinner and shook her head. Her eyes flicked back to Lucifer, “Not that I think he'd actually kill you, mind. People get shot every day, this is Hell.”
“That is a good point,” Lucifer nodded in agreement. He didn't hold her attitude for his well-being against her.
“Fuck, you think I won't?” The man pulled the trigger of the gun and the gun exploded in his hand as the bullet jammed against Lucifer's finger. The sinner started screaming as most of his fingers were blown off his hand.
“Don't get blood on my ice cream,” Lucifer ordered as the sinner's blood gushed everywhere.
“Let me bag that up for you.” She reached out and began to stack the little cups of ices into a plastic bag. They both ignored the screaming man. The would-be robber decided that leaving was his best option and decided to run out of the store. The anti-robbery wards flared and the man exploded as soon as he stepped out. Blood and guts splattered the front of the window. There wasn't much left for the clean-up crews of Cannibal Town to salvage.
“Thank you very much. Here's my card. Do I tap or swipe?”
Lucifer sent the bag of ices to the freezer at Hazbin but kept one lemon ice to himself. He stood in the lobby of the strip club and picked the wooden spoon free from the top. He scooped up some ice and enjoyed his little treat. He may have done a joyful shimmy dance to the pounding music blasting from the inner part of the club. Sad Dodo Lady had been right about the lemon ice. Very Good. Lucifer-approved.
“Oh, SHIT!” Someone stepped into the lobby, spotted Lucifer, and ran back into the inner club. Lucifer knew he was yelling something, but the pounding of the music made it hard to make out. He hoped he wasn't telling everyone that Lucifer had a tasty snack.
“Sorry, I'm not sharing my snacks,” Lucifer said to a burly shark demon who stepped into the lobby. His shirt read 'muscle' with what Lucifer assumed was the BBB logo of a stripping lady with huge breasts swinging around a pole.
“You need to leave,” the shark demon said uncertainly.
“Just because I don't share snacks? That's rather stingy of you, don't you think?”
“Snacks?”
“My snacks, you can't have them.”
“I don't want them?” The shark demon looked so confused. He glanced behind him as if he wanted to be anywhere else but the lobby. Lucifer didn't blame him the decor was horrid. What crazy bastard mixed purple velvet with giraffe print? It wasn't even cheetah or leopard. He could even half understand tiger... but giraffe... geez. The decorator should be very ashamed.
“Good. I want to speak with your boss. You may want to clear out the... clientele. It might be a messy conversation.”
“Right... so you're not going to leave?” He asked hopefully.
“No?” Lucifer blinked at him. “I thought we already went over this? Since you don't want my snacks, I could stay.”
The shark demon didn't seem like the brightest bulb of the bunch. If he'd been a sinner and not a Hell-born Lucifer would have suspected the demon had re-died once too many times and re-spawned without his brain. Unfortunately, this poor demon was born dumb and couldn't use a bad re-spawn as an excuse.
“You know what? Fuck you!” The shark demon looked ready to cry. He turned around and fled back into the club.
“What?” Lucifer tilted his head. When had shark demons gotten so sensitive? Did he lie about not wanting Lucifer's snacks? Too bad, he wasn't going to share. Snacks were sacred.
The pounding music got louder for some reason. Strange.
Lucifer had not been aware that this was a topless strip club, but from everything he'd learned about the moth, it followed. A bovine lady, with ample assets, stepped into the lobby. Her eyes were unfocused and cloudy and she didn't seem to be looking at anything when she waved Lucifer into the club. Her tail swished behind her as she turned around, the tiny blue thong doing nothing to hide her attributes.
He was led to the middle of the club where a circular booth lined in purple faux-velvet sat front an center.
“Ewww,” Lucifer eyed the stains on the upholstery and decided not to sit there. STDs weren't really a thing in Hell, but there were still rather unfortunate illnesses one could catch. Not that Lucifers could get sick. He was a hearty no-longer-archangel, but still, there was the hygiene thing.
He waved his hand and one of his white and gold tall-backed dining chairs from the palace appeared. He sat down and crossed his legs. Only then did he bother looking at Vermicelli.
As the noodle part of the mac and cheese trio, Lucifer expected more. A half blind, wardrobe challenged, pseudo-pimp was not it. A cold-looking tabby cat woman 'cuddled' up beside him and stared into space not acknowledging Lucifer or her surroundings.
“What da fuck you want?” The moth took a drag from his 'happy' cigarette and blew the smoke in Lucifer's direction. Rude. Lucifer swirled his finger and the smoke gathered around as he redirected the smoke to go back into the rude insect's lungs.
A horrendous coughing fit ensued. Lucifer waited it out by finishing off his snack. Then he leaned forward and placed the little cup and wooden spoon on the table.
“I'm very disappointed you haven't figured it out by now,” Lucifer sighed and leaned back in the chair. He'd never been very good a sitting still and he was already starting to feel fidgety. He uncrossed his legs and pulled them up so he sat crisscross applesauce. He fluttered his knees in the air.
“I'm not suckin' your dong!” The moth gasped.
Huh? Lucifer blinked, one eye, then the other.
This moth was a pervert! A gross pervert! The worst kind of pervy-perverts! He needed to wear a sign, 'Perverts Cross Here'. He'd make it neon and flashing. Tattoo it across his forehead! PERVERT!!
Wait, Lucifer focus... Don't let the moth bug you! HAA!
“I am here because you assaulted my daughter.”
“Fuck off.” The moth slammed his fist against the table making the cold cat lady jump to attention. She began rubbing his shoulders, but he slapped her. She held her hand to her face and scooted out of the booth. She hadn't made a sound. Lucifer wished he had cards for the hotel to hand out.
Instead, he magicked a long warm sweater onto her person. In the pocket of the sweater, he'd placed a note with the hotel's phone number and address. It would be up to her if she acted on the note, but at least she didn't look so cold. She gave him a very slow blink of her eyes and something like personality flashed in them briefly. The moth smashed his hand against the table again and she ran away.
“Sooo,” Lucifer waved his hand dispelling more of the smoke, and muted the music. He quickly altered his original plan. Based on how Vermicelli was acting he needed the punishment to be more physically tasking rather than it being a good scolding. “For treating my baby like a Popsicle, and for being a bad noodle, you are now cursed. Cursed to be itchy. The only alleviation for the itch will be for others to lick you. The act must be done willingly and that means you can not hold any sort of control or contract over them. You can pay someone, of course, but you will be forced to pay them 150x more than they would normally charge any regular client. Failure to pay will result in no relief for the itch.'
“As for your soul contracts. For every soul you release, you will get one day reprieve. However, you can not just turn around and re-contract with the same demons. That's a no-go. Once all your soul contracts are gone, then you can begin working on self-improvement. For every act of goodwill you commit you will be given a reprieve, the time duration contingent on the type of good deed you did. Saving an old lady from a burning building will give you a couple of days, donating to Badwill, maybe a couple of minutes. Those are just examples, you'll have to work that out on your own.'
“And no manipulating events so that you'll swoop in and be a hero. If you set the building on fire and then save the old lady, that won't wash. Not even with bleach-soap. It will only make the itch worse.”
“What the fuck!” The moth stood up and moved to shuffle out of the booth. That was the problem with booths, no one could ever enter or exit one menacingly. Lucifer manifested an industrial flashlight and flicked it on. He beamed it at the moth causing Vermicelli to freeze in place, his gaze becoming hyper-focused on the light.
“Furthermore, don't think re-spawning will clear the curse. It will follow you until you truly are a repented soul. Get your ass into Heaven and this little curse will become null and void... I think that's it. Good luck!” Lucifer moved to stand and sent his chair away. It likely ended up in a bathroom or a closet since he didn't pay any particular mind to where in the palace he sent it. Wait... oh. Oops. He hadn't designated the place... someone just found themselves one golden chair richer. Good for them.
He'd lost his train of thought and the flashlight beam shifted enough that the moth launched himself over the table. He made a grab for Lucifer, but Lucifer beamed him again. HA! This was fun. Follow the light, you slimy pervert.
While the moth was distracted, Lucifer placed a transcribed copy of the curse and its stipulations on the table. He set the flashlight on the floor and spun it, spin-the-bottle style.
“Duck you too,” Lucifer muttered. He created a portal and left the bad noodle screaming about the light.
Notes:
Next chapter Lucifer goes on an apology tour
Chapter 17
Summary:
We learn why Alastor is so patient with Luci.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 17
“ALASTOR!!!” Lucifer kicked open the dumb deer's bayou door and ran into the room.
“SIRE! I AM INDECENT!” The radio demon was still wearing his red silky pjs and if he'd had pearls he'd be clutching them. He caught Alastor in the middle of waking up it seemed. He had just begun to get his coffee started. Coffee grounds had spilled from the little scoop he'd been using when Lucifer kicked in the door.
“Did I wake you?” Lucifer asked placing his laptop on top of Alastor's breakfast table.
“I just woke. Just. Now get out!”
“Look what I found!” Lucifer opened the game on his laptop and a green plumbob began to spin. “You can put these digital people through HECK and it's fun! I took away the pool ladder and everyone drowned!”
“Lucifer, GET OUT!”
Tentacles wound around Lucifer's waist and yeeted him right out of Alastor's rooms. Lucifer slid across the carpeted hallway giggling madly.
His new tactic of being annoyingly nice to the Radio Demon was great! Bursting in on the deer was getting more of a reaction than he'd anticipated. Wonderful! HA!
“ALASTOR!!!” Lucifer kicked open his office door and blew the birthday kazoo. The little paper thing flicked open and then rolled up again. “Look what I found!” He blew into it again. Tooooot! Toot! Toooooot!!!
Alastor had been in the middle of his lunch, he coughed and beat at his chest as the food went down the wrong pipe.
Echo picked Lucifer up by the armpits and carried him back into the hall. It shook its finger at him and then calmly shut the door.
Boo, that hadn't been as strong a reaction as Lucifer wanted. New plan!
“Aaaaallllaaastoooor!” Lucifer yelled as he ran into the kitchen. “Look what I found!!!”
Half-dozen sharp knives and one meat fork were launched in his direction. Lucifer hid behind the door until they all either thunked into the wood or bounced away.
“I will rip you to pieces, Sire!” Alastor hissed. He held a clever in one hand and a raw chicken thigh in the other.
“Oh, chicken for dinner? Daisy is gonna love that, but I think she'd prefer raw.”
Alastor sighed and turned to place the meat on the counter. Lucifer noted he didn't release his hold on the clever. Smart Moat Gator.
“Speaking of Gators...”
“We weren't...”
Lucifer pulled the tiny creature from behind his back and held her up. Its jaws snapped in midair and it did its best to wiggle out of Lucifer's hold. The little red bow around its neck started to come undone.
“She's an I'm-Sorry-For-Ripping-Up-Your-Pillow gift. I've named her Daisy. Isn't she sweet?”
Alastor dropped the clever and his ears drooped down. His eyes were wide and his grin seemed almost genuine. He slowly approached and held out his hand. The baby alligator snapped at him.
“She's lovely!” Alastor held out his finger and let the little thing take a nibble. The baby gator wasn't large enough to actually harm the Radio Demon, but Lucifer watched as Alastor melted. “She's a hungry one! Dinner for you!” He turned, baby gator dangling from his hand, and set her on the counter. There he started to feed her chicken scraps.
“Take good care of her,” Lucifer grinned.
“Of course, her ancestors were the queens of the swamps. She shall be treated like the royalty she is.”
“You do know I'm a king?”
“A royal pain in my posterior. Now get. I'm cooking dinner.”
Pleased with himself, Lucifer hummed and left the kitchen. Operation Annoying Apology successful. Playing games with the Radio Demon hadn't worked and neither had playing the birthday kazoo. He'd finally gotten it right with a pet alligator. Go him!
Bonus, if Alastor was down here occupied with dinner and his new pet, then a certain comfy nest was free! HA! Nap time!
“Dad...” Charlie approached him the next morning as he was cracking eggies into a bowl. He was making crepes for breakfast.
“Good morning, my sunflower! Coffee is on and breakfast will be done in about 30 minutes.”
“Dad, how are you feeling today?” She frowned at him and looked worried.
“I'm fine? Why?” He paused in his cooking and did a self-assessment. Limbs, clothes, smell... He double-checked. No, he seemed fine. Oh, oops, he'd forgotten to give himself a nose again. He quickly fixed his face and beamed at Chalrie. She was such a wonderful person.
“Well, you seem... I don't know how to explain this. You're giving off this bubbly feeling. It's not a bad thing, but I'm worried.”
Bubbly? Lucifer checked himself again. Nope, nothing sudsy about him. He'd remembered to rinse the shampoo out of his hair this time. The few times he'd forgotten resulted in colossally epic bed hair.
“Uh, I did laundry a few days ago? Maybe you smell the soap?”
“It's not a smell, but a sense of bubbly. Like you're giddy or... did you eat any special brownies?” She tilted her head and her frown deepened. “I had a talk with Angel about that.”
“No, I had coffee this morning and a midnight cupcake... It was a normal cupcake from the box that Vaggie bought.”
“So, you're feeling ok?”
“Yep!” He grinned at her. “I'm making crepes! Do you want to help?”
“I do, but I'm scheduled to show a small group of prospective guests around the hotel in 15 minutes.”
“Guests? That's wonderful, baby!” He stepped away from the counter and gave her the biggest, warmest, bestest dad-hug he could. He was so proud of her he could burst. “I'll make a boatload of crepes! Enough to feed everyone! I'm so happy for you! Make sure they eat! The best way to a sinner's soul is through their stomach! Wonderful job, my duckling!” Lucifer picked her up and danced her around. She giggled at him and tapped his shoulder after they made a full circuit of the kitchen.
He let her go and beamed at her. She was his pride and joy!
“Thank you, Dad. Can I help for a bit?”
“Heck yes! Wanna cut up the fruit?” She was bursting with nervous energy and he hoped that thunking knives into things would help.
“Ok.”
They passed a few minutes in cozy silence. His baby was so creative! The way she cut up the fruit was very unique! She only shattered one ceramic bowl! Progress!
“Good luck, sweetie!” He kissed her cheek and sent her out of the kitchen. She seemed more relaxed and settled when she left.
“Are you not going to join her?” He asked the shadow lurking in the corner. Silly deer, he'd spot a lurker anywhere! Lucifer was the expert sneaker. No shadow sneakiness was going to get past him!
“I do not think it prudent to scare away the prospective guests so soon. Let her get them settled and complacent, and then I'll introduce myself.” Alastor stepped out of the puddle of shadow and into the kitchen. He went into the pantry and came back wearing Angel's apron. Why did he always grab that one?
“Angel is the closest to me in size. Charlie requested that I desist on using my butchering apron for regular cooking. Angel does not mind.”
“Oh! That makes sense. Do you want a different apron for regular cooking? I think I can magic-up something.”
“Not necessary. I am very particular and this one suffices.”
“I can ask Parker...”
“Ah, that might be acceptable. I will speak with your tailor at a later time. Now... what would you have me do?”
“Um, Char cut up the fruit... Think you can do something to fix it?”
“Certainly.” Alastor was magic with knives. Lucifer could acknowledge that readily. He didn't even have to use any real magic! It was pure skill. Lucifer felt compelled to clap as the mess Charlie made was transformed into crepe filling.
Lucifer began making the handmade whipped cream and Alastor started gathering jams and jellies from the pantry. He wasn't lazy about it either. Lucifer had planned to just place the jars on the table and allow the guests to grab whatever suited them, but Alastor wasn't going to allow that. He found a box of sauce dishes and began to fill them with condiments. Echo ran back and forth from the table as more of the little bowls were filled with things like crushed nuts, jams, and jellies.
“Do you know how many people are coming?” Lucifer asked testing his cream for peaks. He reached over and gave his apple compote a quick stir before going back to his whipped cream.
“Five this morning and two this afternoon. I am to understand that many of them are former co-workers of Angel.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Alastor turned from spreading banana slices in a fan on a plate. “It seems that many of his ex-co-workers are recently freed of their contracts.”
“So... if they are free...”
“Then why are they gravitating to the hotel? Seems that they are worried that their contractor's goodwill will break and he'll force them back into servitude.”
Oh. Well. They weren't here for redemption but for the protection of their resident Moat Gator. That had been the premise they'd promised after all. Protection from their overlords in exchange for trying to be better people.
“He can't call them back...” Lucifer muttered. “Should we tell them that? He can't re-contract them?”
“Ah? Was that part of the little bit of mischievous magic you did? I've heard many splendid things. Good work. Well done.”
“Ya, for every sinner he releases from their contract he gets one day of reprieve and he can't re-contract them and release them again. I didn't want it to be easy to circumvent the curse. I didn't expect him to release all his contracts at once. I'd pegged him as the sort to hold on until the last before he gave in.”
“Not at all,” Alastor finished plating up the fruit and passed it to Echo. “Valentino is the type to set his own comfort above all things.”
“What have you heard exactly?” It had been a little less than a day and it seemed the rumors were already reaching the Radio Demon.
“You should read this morning's periodicals. Very informative. However, I did partake in a bit of scuttlebutt last evening. Rumor has it that Valentino is the first sinner to ever catch a how do you say, STD... STI?” He tilted his head trying to find the correct words. “In my day, they called it Afflicted, or medically VD. Because of this, the working members of the sexual persuasion are refusing to...ahem,” he coughed delicately, “... accept his engagements.”
“Oh dear,” Lucifer frowned. “That's unexpected. I hadn't intended that.”
“His own fault, Sire. His past actions are coming back to haunt him.”
“Still... He does have some recourse... He has to do acts of good, but I fully expected sex workers to take on the majority of his time.”
“There are charities yet, even in Hell. You yourself fund several soup kitchens, I believe. He might volunteer there. Vox informed me years ago that Valentino was a hash-slinger in life, at an establishment known as a House of Waffles. Do you know of it? I'm afraid it was after my time.”
“I do? Not the waffles, I mean the soup kitchens,” Lucifer frowned. He vaguely recalled allocating funding so that the movements of produce around the rings wouldn't stagnate. “AH! The Ugly Produce Initiative! I remember now!” Lucifer smiled happy he remembered. No veggies go to waste in his realm, no-siree-bub.
“The kitchens are one of your most well-received campaigns, Sire. Especially amongst the new sinners. A place where one can fill one's belly is most welcome. Even if the food is heavily starch based.”
“Potatoes!” Lucifer grinned. It had been one of the ideas She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named pushed back on. He was delighted that it was still running after all this time.
“The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,” Alastor hummed. “Charlie is very much the same breed of philanthropic as this very hotel may attest.”
Lucifer blinked at Alastor. Huh. He'd never thought of it that way. He'd done good? He really had done some good? Amazing. Shocking even. A warm feeling settled in his chest.
He spun around the kitchen. HE DONE GOOD!
“Settle down, Sire. We must get this food to the table,” the Radio Demon was laughing at him, but he didn't care. There was proof, solid proof, that he'd done good. He needed to tell Sharlanda!
“Watch your tail, Sire. You'll scorch yourself.” Alastor moved and plucked him up and away from the still lit stove where the apple compote was simmering. Lucifer watched as his tail wrapped around the Radio Demon's arm. The little heart flicked back and forth happily.
“Alastor, I did good!” Lucifer beamed up at him as he was settled into a kitchen chair.
“Yes, Sire. You did. More than you realize. On behalf of all sinners, thank you.”
His brain stuttered to a stop, re-set, then stuttered again. He had to replay the words back again and take a second to process their meaning. Tears sprung up in his eyes as understanding finally sunk in. He gave a hard sniff, but the emotions were too much.
“WAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
“I assure you it was a happy cry, My Dear,” Alastor explained to Charlie. The poor child had come running when she heard her father break down. Lucifer was now settled and napping off his emotional outburst.
They stood outside of Lucifer's bedroom. It had taken a lot of persuading on his part to get the child to leave her father's side. Even mentioning the waiting guests hadn't moved her. Such familial love was precious.
“I've never seen him like this, Al. I'm so lost on how to fix this.”
“I don't think he needs fixing...” Alastor held up his hand to stop her counter argument. “What I mean is that Lucifer is healing, My Dear. He is an archangel, he'll never think or act in ways the likes of us can understand, but that is what makes him so very very special. The one angel in all of Heaven that was entirely unique! He's a treasure! There is nothing wrong with him that needs fixed. He just needs time to heal.”
“Al...” It was Charlie's turn for the waterworks. His poor coat was going to go directly to the cleaners. All the Morningstars were feeling weepy today it seemed. He patted her back as she cried onto his shoulder. His family was strange and oddly emotional, but it was his and it was good. His mother would be so proud he'd finally found his home.
Notes:
I'm nearing the end of what I've gotten written up, but needless to say the next few chapters will be Luci coming to terms with his new insights. There might be a bit more than a week between chapters now as I try to work out how Luci is going to become whole again and how he begins to see Alasor as more than just a weird friend that is a bit bitey.
Chapter 18
Summary:
Cursing Val would turn around and bite him in the butt, but Luci is a smart devil and comes up with a plan.
Notes:
Thank you everyone for your encouragement. I love silly Luci so much. I'm slowly dragging the derpy angel kicking in screaming into a new semblance of normalcy.
Chapter Text
Chapter 18
Lucifer stared blankly into space. The words that Alastor had said to Charlie outside his door echoed in his head. He'd been embarrassed by his emotional breakdown and was pretending to sleep so he wouldn't have to face his daughter's questions. What he'd heard was causing him no amount of emotional turmoil. It had been several days and he was still fixating. The Radio Demon didn't think he was broken. Didn't think he was faulty. He liked that Lucifer was a weirdo. Odd. Very odd. His own daughter had wanted to fix him. Heck, even Lucifer would agree that he needed fixing, but Alastor...
There was a knock at his door and Honk Solo shot another laser hole in his wall as Lucifer fumbled him startled.
“Dangnabbit Honk Solo! People are going to start complaining about your happy trigger wing at some point,” Lucifer scolded him firmly.
There was a knock at his door... again. It had happened a few times in the last couple of days, but each time gave him a start.
“Heya Short King!” Angel called through the door.
Oh, this time it was Angel, not Charlie.
“Yes?” Lucifer called back. The door handle rattled but it was locked.
“Uh, I need yous help with something. Please?” Angel's tone was very strained.
Help? This wasn't the welfare check-ins that Charlie had been doing. Someone needed his help! Ok Lucifer, don't panic. DO NOT PANIC! He probably just needed help getting something unstuck where is shouldn't be stuck. Ok, so knowing Angel perhaps Lucifer should be panicking just a little. He was not the best person to go deep diving for lost toys.
“Uh sure, come in.” Lucifer unlocked the door and opened it to look up at the spider. The spider that looked like shit. His eyes were dull and what skin wasn't covered by fluff looked red-rimmed. His fluff wasn't as fluffy either! Someone needed a hug ASAP! Lucifer glommed onto Angel and gave him his bestest friend-hug.
“Thanks, I know I look like shit,” Angel sighed and patted Lucifer's back as a sign he could let go. “Can I talk ta ya?”
“Ok.” Lucifer let Angel in and pushed his desk chair next to his coffee table. Angel flopped down on Sir Drake and sighed. Oh. Um. Ok. Lucifer stood a bit confused for a second. Sir Drake was his chair, but he'd allow the spider some comfort sitting. He sat down on his work chair and summoned two cans of soda to his room. He figured Angel would prefer the bubbly beverage more than coffee.
“Thanks,” Angel reached out and pulled the tab on his can with a pfssh.
“Do you think this redemption thing is possible?” He asked after taking a couple of sips.
Oh, OH! He was not expecting this conversation. He wasn't certain if he was the best person to be asking. Not the best person for a lot of things it turned out.
“Ya the oldest thing down here, no offense. If anyone'd know it'd be yous.” Angel had a valid point, but he was about to be disappointed because Lucifer was not the wise old sage many thought he must be. Heck, he may have created the stars, but he knew nothing about reincarnation or the soul-cycling system in general. That particular project had been all Dad. He had been his Dad's right-hand helper when it came to creation, but he'd been left out of the soul cycle design. Considering where he'd ended up, it may have been a conscious decision on his Dad's part.
“Sorry, Angel. I don't know,” Lucifer shook his head. Then did his best to gather his scattered thoughts as the spider wilted further. “I think redemption is a personal thing. I highly doubt that Heaven is in the cards for anyone down here, but truthfully Heaven is sorely overrated. Redemption is a state of being, I think. A peacefulness of the soul.”
“So why'd ya tell Val to get his ass to Heaven?”
Ah, so this was about Vermicelli.
“I don't want him here?” Lucifer stated.
“Here as in Hell or here as in the hotel?” Angel asked.
“What?” Lucifer blinked at him confused.
“Val called Charlie... didn't she tell you?” Angel spun the soda can in his hands and adjusted his lounging on Sir Drake.
“NO!” Lucifer hissed.
“Whoa, big guy watch the fire...” Angel pulled himself and Sir Drake out of Lucifer's blast zone. His table looked like he'd taken a flamethrower to it.
“What happened?” Lucifer asked getting control of his fire. He waved his hand to return the table to the state it had been. Angel eyed the table and slowly reached out to place his soda can down. Then he gathered his thoughts with a low hum.
“Val called Charlie and they talked. Really talked. He's interested in comin' here. To the hotel. For redemption. I... I'm havin' some feelin's about it. Charlie is too, I think. If Val is really wantin' to improve then I shouldn't stand in his way, but...”
Oh, shit.
“I don't want him here, Luci. I really don't. Charlie is trying to be understandin' and she said something about trauma triggers. Most of the people here now are victims of Vals, but she doesn't want to turn away someone who really needs help... I... I don't know what to do. She said she'd act depending on how I feel about it. I just... I don't know!” Angel flopped over Sir Drake and threw his arms over his face.
“This is... messy.” A massive ball of guilt formed in his stomach. It was his fault that the moth wanted to come to the hotel.
“Do you think he really wants to be a better noodle?” Lucifer asked.
“Doubt it,” Angel sighed. “But that might be my own emotions speakin'. I don't wanna be the reason Val is rejected in case I'm wrong. What if he's for serious?”
“Those what ifs are the worst,” Lucifer sighed. “My instinct is to say no, Angel. However...”
“Ya... howevers... are the worst.”
There was another knock at his door. Huh? Lucifer turned and looked at the door. Had he heard that right?
“Dad, there's a lady here asking for you. She said you told her to come here?”
Charlie... CHARLIE! Oh! Lucifer popped up, rushed to the door, and opened it. “HEY BITCH!” No, stupid Lucifer! Do better! “I mean good morning, sweetie.” He ignored Angel's giggles behind him.
“Oh, Angel's here? Um... did you tell him?” Charlie looked over his head at the spider. Her face was instantly one of concern.
“Ya, wes was discussin' it.”
Charlie smiled sadly and sighed. “It's a problem... But not a problem for now. Dad, there's a lady here for you.”
“A lady?” When was the last time anyone had bothered to visit him? Well, not counting hotel people. That was a new phenomenon he was still getting used to.
“She told me that she talked to you and you told her to come here for a passport.”
“Passport?” Ok, Lucifer get it together. Your daughter is making sense you just need to work on your processing. So... a lady has shown up for him wanting a passport...
“Her name is Doris and she's a dodo?” Charlie offered when Lucifer looked at her blankly.
“AH! Sad Dodo Lady!” Lucifer smiled remembering the woman at last. “She likes lemon ice!”
“Maybe don't call her Sad Dodo Lady, Dad. Her name is Doris,” Charlie chided him gently.
“She never told me her name. She was interested in a memory cleanse and I told her that Bel might be doing a study... Bel....” Something was worming in his brain. A vague idea. “Hold on, idea...” Lucifer held up his hand to stop his baby from talking and let the thought germinate. Huh... it had some merit.
“I might have a solution to the noodle problem, but I need to call Bel...” Lucifer told Angel and Charlie slowly still trying to work through the thought.
“Um, the lady?” Charlie asked.
“Oh, uh. I'll be right down. Can you give her some snacks? I really need to call Bel.”
“Sure thing, Dad,” Charlie smiled at him and gave him a quick hug before she left.
“An idea...” Angel asked from his spot on Sir Drake.
“Give me a moment,” Lucifer hunted down his phone, which had somehow ended up in Lucifer's bathroom sitting precariously on top of Toilet Paper Mountain, and scrolled through his contacts. It rang several times before going to voicemail, but Lucifer knew Bel. He hung up and called again, repeating the process three times before a sleepy voice answered.
“Lulu?”
“Hey Bel, I need a little favor. How do you feel about Candy Stripers?”
Doris, the Sad Dodo Lady, was sitting in the kitchen. She was stubbing out a cigarette with one hand while sipping coffee with the other. Multitasker! Wonderful!
“Hello, nice to meet you again. Sorry for the wait. I had a call to make.”
“Don't mind, this coffee is good.”
“Did a tall annoying red-head make it?”
“Ya,” she nodded. “Radio Demon. He seemed a bit put out that I wasn't cowering in fear.”
“He has a knack for making really good coffee. I can't figure out how he does it. He probably liked your attitude or he wouldn't have bothered.”
“Honestly, I just can't find it in myself to care,” she shrugged again.
Likely why she didn't cower away from the Devil either. She was perfect.
“Char mentioned you wanted a passport. Did you get into a program?”
“No, I was told I needed the passport first. They don't want to give away spots to people who can't actually fill the spot, but tentatively it seems positive.”
That made sense and it made her the perfect candidate for what he was planning.
“So I was just on the phone with Bel. They have an empty building that used to house nurses. It's on hospital grounds and it needs a caretaker. Someone who isn't phased by status or threats would be best and I thought you would be just the person.”
“Ya want me to be house mamma to nurses?”
“Yes and no, it won't be nurses but hospital volunteers. Volunteers that likely don't want to be there you understand. I'm thinking the very first volunteer will be the former overlord Vermicelli.”
“Who?”
“Vermicelli, you know he has that club across from the convenience store. The moth.”
“Valentino?”
“Bad noodle that one, but he seems to want to try his hat at redemption. However, he'd be a very bad fit here at the hotel. We have to take the other guests' feelings and traumas into account. So I came up with the idea that he could work his way into being a better person by volunteering at Bel's hospital. She'd be in charge of him, but you'd be the one on watch so to speak.'
“You'd be able to live in Sloth, participate in whatever studies you can get into, and be paid for it,” Lucifer may have begun to babble the last bit, but he really didn't want the woman to say no. He had a feeling that this tough-as-nails woman would be just the person to not put up with any shit from a former overlord.
“You're planning to toss the really bad sinners into this volunteer program?”
“Only if they ask. It will be volunteer... sort of. He does have a choice, but that choice doesn't include the hotel. We can't have him here and if this hotel is to really work we might come across a similar issue in the future.”
“Will I be expected to encourage redemption?”
“Nope. Your job is just watching so to speak. Keep the building up and running and watch to make sure the rules Bel sets are followed. If he's doing something really bad you go to Bel. She's taking on the rehabilitation part of this endeavor.”
“I'm not a maintenance person.”
“Cleaning and maintenance are already taken care of. At most, you'll have to do some light cleaning and cooking. If something goes wrong with the building you report it to the hospital and the crew there fixes it.”
“If I say no can I still get a passport?”
“Of course. In fact, let's get that started.” Lucifer waved his hand and a stack of forms manifested. He double-checked they were the correct forms, not the ones he'd had Angel and Alastor sign, then passed them to her with a pen. “Fill these out. Processing takes a drop of blood by the way. Hope you're not squeamish about that. When that's complete I get your picture and you'll be free to wander the rings.”
She nodded and began to fill out the form. Lucifer made himself his own cup of coffee in the meantime. Damn the deer for being able to make the best joe ever.
Drop of blood, and picture taken, Doris was officially the third sinner to get a passport out of Pride.
“I'd like to check out the building, the area, stuff like that before I decide. Can you make that happen?” She asked him.
“Absolutely. I can take you now? Or I can have Bel meet you later this week.”
“Uh, I think Thursday would be better. I can be at Dreamsville General at noon.”
“I'm warning you that Sloth doesn't really work on time schedules. Sloth takes some getting used to. The times are rough estimates at best.”
“Ah, Southern Slow... I understand,” She smirked lightly and sipped her coffee.
“Let me get your phone number so we can share contacts.” Lucifer pulled out his phone and waited for her to do the same. He entered her number and sent her a text with Bel's number.
“Never thought I'd have the Devil himself on my phone...”
“You're better off texting Bel and not expecting a response right away. If you need to talk to her immediately then you just spam her phone until she picks up.”
“Uh, ok.”
Lucifer was very pleased when he set her number under the name Doris. He'd remember! He really would! Hopefully. He frowned and in brackets he entered 'Dodo Lady', just in case.
Chapter 19
Summary:
A breakfast discussion ends in realization
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 19
“Candy Striper... really?” Charlie tilted her head and frowned. “And Auntie Bel is ok with this?”
“Yes, sweetie! She wants to talk to you though. As the expert on redemption, she wants your input on how to properly oversee Vermicelli. She seemed rather interested in reformation on the state of a person's mental health.”
“Oh...” Charlie's lips twitched into a smile and after a short bit, she burst into her sunbeam grin. “OH! That's wonderful!”
“Can't see Val doin' that...” Angel muttered over his stack of pancakes.
“It will be his choice. Always his choice. He can come and go as he pleases, but as long as he's in the program he has to act under Bel's rules. Whatever those will be. I think that's another reason she wants to talk to you, Duckling,” Lucifer squeezed a more than was healthy portion of syrup onto his cakes. Oh... opps! To much! Oh dear... he'd have to eat one more just to even out the ratio. So sad. HA!
Pleased with himself he speared another cake from the stack and put it on top of his syrup mess.
“Daaad!” Charlie sighed and shook her head. “You're lucky you don't have to worry about cholesterol.”
“None of us do!” Angel laughed and swiped more butter to put on his cakes and held out his fist for a bump. Lucifer grinned and fist-bumped him back. YAY! He had a fist-bumping buddy!
“Hell-born do...” Charlie glanced down at the fruit she'd put on the side of her plate and gave a slight smile as she dipped her strawberry in the syrup.
“I must concur that ones culinary exploration might be explored most thoroughly in Hell.” Alastor crunched into his plate of bacon and sausage. He tucked a sausage end into his breast pocket. The pocket wiggled and an alligator snoot poked out.
“Al, we don't feed pets at the table,” Charlie eyed Daisy.
“She's not at table. She's at pocket!” Alastor grinned. “Once she is larger I will refrain, however, I want her to learn that food comes from people. Not to bite the hand that feeds her and that must come at an early age. Training, My Dear, takes patience.”
“You's not gonna feed her people?” Angel asked.
“Fair question my effeminate fellow! Whilst in life I must admit I did use this darling's ancestors as an effective means of bodily disposal; my Dearest Daisy will not be fed sinner scraps! She will have the best I can provide. I am not against giving her junk food on occasion, however, unlike the likes of us, I must care for her diet.”
Lucifer let that process, but Angel beat him to the thought.
“Sinners are junk food?”
“Why of course! Not very nutritious are they? Any benefit from eating a sinner disappears once that sinner is re-spawned with all their parts. Now donated parts last longer. A finger here and there will stick with you until that sinner dies and re-spawns with that finger. Those that are permanently ended act like regular meat and sticks properly to the ribs. Much preferable, but harder to come by.”
“That why yous so skinny?” Angel asked. “All the meat on your bones disappears as soon as the sinner re-spawns?”
“Precisely.”
“Huh...” Angel blinked then shook his head. “Nope, not thinking about it. Nahuh.”
“Penny for your thoughts?” Alastor's ears twitched slightly and he leaned in to snatch a bit of syrup-covered bacon off Lucifer's plate and bit into it. He made a face but dutifully finished the meat. Bad demon... but his ears were super cute and fluffy. Super forgiven.
“Just thought that I'd have to eat a week of salad to make up for these pancakes and it'd be a lot easier if the repercussion of this meal just poofed away.” Angel snapped his fingers to emphasize the point.
“Having diet issues?” Lucifer asked. He felt a little guilty because unlike the spider he could poof away the repercussions from food.
“I'm workin' on my figure, but the parts I want to be juicier aren't cooperating. It all goes to my arms and not my ass!” Angel sighed. “I want more gush in the tush and it's not workin' out. No matta how much I work out!”
“Your butt is nice Angel,” Charlie tried to cheer him up.
“I know it's nice! I want something unforgettable. A bedonkadonk that will go down in the annals of history.”
Lucifer snorted. Annals. HA! Angel grinned. He'd made the pun on purpose and was pleased someone picked up on it.
“You want more volume or more lift?” Lucifer asked.
“Both, but no matter how many squats I do I just get this lovely apple bottom. I've got a Shakira, but I want a Beyonce.”
Lucifer had no idea what that was, but he thought he was grasping the core concept. “Body Dysmorphia is more common down here than people think. What with the way you sinners partially self-actualize your appearance.”
Charlie slowly blinked at him. Angel's fork paused halfway to his mouth. Only Alastor nodded. “I would like to listen to your theory on self-actualization and a sinner's appearance, Sire.”
Something in Lucifer's head felt tingly. Alastor, the one person who didn't think something was wrong with him...
“Partially...” Lucifer clarified. “I believe that a sinner's appearance is sort of like a cookie recipe. Each one of you has different ingredients that make you unique in the baking process. Some sins are very common, like a chocolate chip cookie, but add more butter or less butter or even toss in more flour or extra chips and you get different variations on the same theme. Insect-type sinners are typically down here for drug-related reasons...”
“Imma spider, not a bug!” Angel protested.
“Exactly. You had other sins to mix in. You had a dash of murder, two cups of falsehood that proved detrimental to others, but you were generous with women and kids.”
“Huh...” Angel blinked. “And that makes a spider?”
“That gives the universe a template to work with. Where do your main sins fit into the system? Where do your good deeds, your good traits, put you on the sin scale? There are other spider demons, yes, but each of you are unique because of how you lived your lives.”
“So what's Big Red's recipe?” Angel asked gesturing to Alastor with his fork. Alastor coughed and muttered something about manners. “It's gotta be crazy right?”
“Actually, no. He feels like an oatmeal cookie, but those snacky ones with the cream filling.”
“Huh... but I don't think I've seen another deer demon?” Angel asked tilting his head.
“There have been literally a handful, I checked...” Lucifer glanced at Alastor. Would he be mad Lucifer had looked into it? He'd mostly done it because having more than one Alastor running amok would bring bedlam. Fortunately for his sanity, those other deer had long been sent back into the cosmic cycle.
“I'm a rare breed indeed!” Alastor chuckled and slipped a bit of bacon into his pocket.
“But if he's so rare, then why is he an oatmeal cookie?” Angel asked. “That's the worst cookie, but not unique. I imagine little old ladies as oatmeal.”
“I love all snacks equally!” Lucifer laughed. “But I must say some are harder to like than others.”
“But Dad, isn't your favorite cookie those oatmeal snack cakes?” Charlie asked.
Lucifer's brain stumbled. Huh?
“Was I wrong? Maybe someone else told me that?” Charlie frowned when Lucifer failed to comment.
“Ah, that would have been me, My Dear. I informed you that if I must enjoy a cookie, I prefer oatmeal and cranberry.”
“Oh! That must have been it!” Charlie smiled at Alastor.
Wait, but...
Alastor felt like an oatmeal cream pie as a sinner, and Lucifer's favorite cookie-based treat was an oatmeal cream pie...
…
…Dad... There was something tickling his ear.
...Dad... Stop that.
...DAD...
“Oh, sorry, Sweetie. I was wool-gathering. What were you saying?” Lucifer blinked up at his baby girl. Her eyes had gone wide and they were sparkly with unshed tears. She was so beautiful. He could fall forever for her eyes. She alone made his existence worth it.
“You went somewhere else there for a bit, Luci.” Angel moved Charlie and knelt down to gaze into his eyes. His gaze flicked from one eye to the other. He was frowning and looked extremely concerned. “You back with us now?”
“Just caught up in my thoughts. Sorry, I zoned out.” He glanced down at a movement on his shoulder. Daisy was curled up against his neck her tail slowly flicking under his chin.
“Luci, that was more than zoned out...” Angel frowned and shared a glance with Charlie. “You went catatonic... Alastor hung Daisy off your ear...”
“My pleasure!”
“Al,” Charlie nudged Alastor with her elbow.
“They became unnecessarily concerned for your well-being, Sire. I sought to prove their fears false.”
“And how did hanging Daisy on me do that?”
“It didn't! That was just amusing,” Alastor laughed then picked up Daisy from where she was resting against Lucifer's neck.
“Ass,” Lucifer muttered rubbing his neck where the alligator had been perched.
“Dad, what happened?” Charlie interjected.
“Nothing. Really! I just got lost in thought.” He was being sincere. Why didn't they believe him?
“Dad...” She frowned at him. “That's what Al said. He said you were thinking too hard.”
“Nonsense. I said, 'he hasn't had the privilege of flexing the gray matter betwixt his ears in a while, My Dear. Allow him time to aquatint himself with the concept.' Action without thought being one of your weaknesses, Sire,” Alastor corrected her and addressed him with a serious face, but his ears were twitching. A sure sign that he wasn't serious at all.
“Double ass,” Lucifer muttered. Then he let out a sigh. “I really was just caught up in thought, Sweetie. I... Sometimes when I think of something really hard that happens. It's been a while since the creative bug bit. Um, I was working it out in my head.” A very tiny little itty bitty lie wouldn't hurt. No one needed to know that his thought hadn't been of the creative verity.
“So Smiles was right?” Angel asked with a disbelieving laugh.
“You had an idea!” Charlie gasped. She of all people knew what it had been like for him to not be able to truly create, but it was her of all people he wished didn't know. His creative block had been present since before she was born and hadn't improved much beyond making her toys as a child.
She pulled Lucifer to her chest and hugged him. He frowned as he hugged her. The thought he'd had wasn't a pleasant one to him at the moment, but something primordial in his core told him that it was the right idea. He needed to go and have a real think. Life had been so much simpler when he didn't have to make real decisions.
Notes:
Lucifer does his best not to think and annoys the entire hotel in the process.
Chapter 20
Summary:
Our Duckie tests the patience of everyone in the hotel with a wild jazz-form rendition of Scotland The Brave. Alastor saves everyone's sanity by getting Lucifer out of the hotel.
Notes:
Many thanks to the Reddit user who onomatopoeiaed Scotland the Brave. As I forgot to copy and paste their name I can't tell you who it was, but I refuse to take credit for that literary work of whimsy.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 20
His appointment with Sharlanda did not end well. Not really her fault. He just wasn't ready to listen to the thoughts that were bouncing around in his brain. His first instinct was to disassociate. It had worked out ok for him before... But no. He was living with his baby and he didn't want to worry her by trancing out for days or weeks.
But he was tempted. Very tempted. All the pent-up emotional baggage that he'd been shoving around was starting to pile up. He was getting to the point where he'd have to unpack those bags in order to move forward, but he didn't want to. So... Ice cream in bed.
Not his bed. HA! He was curled up with a sundae and a book amongst the fort he'd created with Alastor's pillows. Lady Caverly getting down and dirty with her werewolf lover was not doing the job of distracting his brain and the sweet treat was sitting overly sticky in his mouth.
He needed a change of pace. A new thing to focus on. Something loud? If something was loud enough maybe it would drown out the thoughts he kept trying to bury.
He jumped up, leaving Lady Caverly and his sundae behind for Alastor's unicorns, Mortimer, Harlow, and Erwin. He needed to not think now. He could feel the thought curling around his brain ready to be thought, but he wasn't having it. No thinking allowed!
BNNNRRRRRRRRRRRR...
PHARR PHARR PHNA-NYAR NYAR PHARR PHARR MYNYARR NARR NA-NARR NYARR NYARR NYARR MYNYARR NYARR NA-NYARR NARR NYARR-NAH PHNYARR NARR NA-NRRRRRRRM!!!
Lucifer's bagpipe droned. The acoustics in the halls of the hotel were fun to play with. He'd found a sweet spot on the third step at the top of the stairs leading to the main lobby. The sound bounced off the walls and echoed back wonderfully.
Speaking of echos, Echo swirled along the wall, it had somehow donned a kilt and was marching in 'circles' up and down the wall of the stairs it even had its own shadowy version of Lucifer's bagpipes. Though Echo's pipes were sadly silent to most, only heard by shadow entities and angels. It wasn't a bad piper. Get down and boogie, Slim Shady! Blow those pipes!
“SIRE!” A pool of shadow spread across the steps manifesting in an agitated hotelier.
Lucifer jumped and ended up falling on his ass and sliding down two of the steps. That was dangerous! Luckily he was a hearty formerly archangel. No boo boos today!
“Bad Deer!” Lucifer grumped picking himself up.
BNNNRRRRRRRRRRRR... His bagpipes deflated sadly as he accidentally squeezed them too hard.
“Sire, this is not the place for such a cacophony. If you must practice that particular instrument, go outside.” Alastor's grin was tight and he'd developed a slight tick of the left eye.
“But the acoustics are better right here!” Lucifer argued. “I tested the entire hotel.”
“We are all well aware of your noisy endeavors, but I am afraid I must insist that bagpipes be played out of doors. Miss Cherri has threatened to shove them up places that seem unlikely and uncomfortable.” He glared and Echo sadly put up his own pipes, but it kept the kilt.
“Who?” Who was going to shove what where? How rude! The front door slammed open.
“Dad!” This time Lucifer didn't start and turned to look down the steps at Charlie. “Do you know how many phone calls I've gotten?! I swear everyone at the hotel has called to complain.”
“Oh, hey, Sweetie!” Lucifer smiled at her. “How was your meeting with Bel?”
“It would have been better if I hadn't been interrupted every five minutes with complaints!” She held out both her hands and then visibly gathered herself.
“Is there something wrong? You've been a bit... off...”
“Everything is rosy! Just a bit of piping to liven up the place!”
“I was just suggesting that Lucifer take his... dying cat outside.”
“But the acoustics!” Lucifers didn't whine they disagreed with intent.
“Dad, I'm afraid that bag-piping in the hotel will have to be brought up at the next resident meeting.”
Blast. He didn't like the meetings. People were always complaining about missing snacks. The only person who hadn't been hit by their resident pilferer was Alastor, but not for lack of trying! It was due to the lack of snacky food.
“Dad!”
“Yes?”
“Stop stealing snacks.”
“What! It wasn't me!” Lucifer did his best to give her puppy-eyes, but they didn't work from father to daughter.
“Have you had your appointment with Sharlanda today?” She reached up and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
“Uh... yes?” Lucifer shifted his bagpipe and it gave another sad BRRRRrrrr.
“Is this a method of self-sabotage?” Charlie asked.
“I don't see how...” Alastor muttered.
Lucifer didn't know how to answer that. He didn't think it was. He was just trying to run from his problems in the most productive way. He didn't want to think. This conversation was making him think of not thinking and it was making him think! Oh no!
A bubble of panic began to curl in his chest. His eyes darted around looking for possible means of escape.
No, Lucifer! Bad! He scolded. He was with his baby! He would not run away! He wouldn't... … … The emotional bomb was ticking right under the surface and if it exploded he wasn't entirely certain he'd be ok.
“Sire, I've recently discovered a cafe that you might be interested in,” Alastor said out of nowhere. “It has a loose theme of ducks.”
Ducks? Lucifer looked up at him interested. YAY! Distraction!
“OH! That's great!” Charlie grinned. “Al, why don't you show Dad!” Her tone was a little strained.
“It would be my pleasure, My Dear.” Alastor gave a slight nod of his head and lightly gripped Lucifer's elbow. “Careful of the stairs, Sire.”
“Are the two of you trying to get me out of the hotel?” Lucifer asked suspiciously.
“Why yes!” Alastor beamed at him. “Right out of the range of fire! Our residents can be a murdery bunch and you've riled them right up! Good job!”
“No one is as murdery as you.”
“Quite true!” Alastor led him down the steps to where Charlie was waiting. She held out her hands and Lucifer stepped into a hug. BRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Charlie jumped as the bagpipe gave a final wheeze.
Alastor could not drive. That much was certain. When Charlie had offered the limo to use Alastor had gleefully agreed, but insisted on driving. Lucifer had made the mistake of hopping into the back. The end of the limo fishtailed dramatically around a corner and flung him onto the floor. NOT WEEE! His stomach flipped. He was the Devil! He did not get car sick. A loud shout of colorful language about granny drivers sounded from the front just as the back end of the limo swerved in the opposite direction.
Ugghrrr. Lucifer stayed on the floor and clutched the seat for stability.
There was a loud thump and the limo lurched up then down.
“Out of the way, Chum!” Alastor called from the front. Lucifer had left the divider window down. At the time he'd thought conversation would keep him from thinking, but Alastor's creative driving style was doing most of that work. Alastor hooted and his ears flicked above his head happily. He leaned forward and the limo jerked to a faster speed. Shit. Lucifer clutched the seat and groaned.
THUNDUCK! The limo lurched again.
“HA!” Alastor called.
“This isn't a tank!” Lucifer yelled from the back.
“Pity that, but no fear, Sire. Not a dent will be left!”
Lucifer wasn't concerned about dents in the limo. He was concerned about dents in himself! Glenda's services would be needed at this rate.
Alastor gripped the wheel and quickly spun it cackling madly. Lucifer was sent back to the other side of the limo.
“Where did you learn to drive?!” Lucifer yelled.
“Prohibition was a lovely time. My dearest mother taught me all her tricks for avoiding the coppers! Best rum runner in all Louisiana!”
As soon as he could manage it Lucifer was going to have to have a chat with Mama Alastor.
“She's in Heaven, Sire, but I'm certain she's putting the angels up there on their ears!”
Great.
Lucifer took advantage of a straight stretch of road to clamber over the divider window. “'Cuse me, Daisy.” He moved the little alligator out of the way and settled himself into the passenger seat. Seat-belt firmly in place he took a moment to breathe. Daisy, not wanting to be left to skitter willy-nilly on the middle seat, braced herself against his leg.
They were on a highway now... No wonder the road had been more straight.
“Welcome to the shotgun seat, Sire! Be sure to aim out the windows!”
“I'm not shooting people!” Lucifer huffed.
“Pity. A little bit of chaos to liven up an otherwise boring day in Hell.”
“Alastor you do know that little dongle there is a turn signal?” Lucifer pointed out as Alastor slid through three lanes of traffic to get to an off ramp.
“A what?” Alastor threw back his head and cackled. “This is a limo! Drivers should naturally get out of my way!” He laid on the horn as a particularly slow-moving van tried to get to the side of the off-ramp and out of his way.
Thucrunch. Poor moving van just lost its side mirror.
Alastor didn't even slow as they neared the turnoff. Lucifer braced himself and Daisy as the limo slid around the corner.
“That was a stoplight!” Lucifer yelled holding the alligator to his chest.
“A mere suggestion.”
“NO, those are not suggestions!”
“Pishposh.” He laid on his horn as he neared an intersection. Oncoming traffic slowed and he drove right through the light...again.
Lucifer seriously considered a prayer to Dad, but eventually Alastor slid into in a bit of grass. The NO PARKING sign disappeared under the limo as they came to a stop.
Lucifer took a calming breath. That had certainly been... an experience. Good thing he was immortal.
He quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped out of the limo. He didn't want to be inside just in case Alastor decided this wasn't their destination.
“I'm flying home,” Lucifer muttered looking around. A park. Huh. A memory tickled the back of Lucifer's brain. He spotted another sign stuck partway under the limo.
Welcome: Morningstar Avian Sanctuary! Stay Off the Grass. Violators will be fed to the wildlife.
Oh! Right. He'd had the park created for Charlie for her 5th birthday.
“The cafe is this way!” Alastor spun his microphone and pointed down a path.
Lucifer held Daisy and followed after the road menace.
The cafe was certainly duck themed... A small bright yellow building stood twenty feet away from a duck pond. The outside patio space was concrete covered, and a swarm of bright red and orange Volcano Ducks waddled under the tables hoping to find a dropped morsel.
“Those are Volcano Ducks,” Lucifer blinked. How had Volcano Ducks made their way up to Pride?
“Correct!” Alastor hummed and eyed the ducks who'd spotted them and were waddling in their direction. “Shall we go inside?”
The ducks quacked at them and tried to follow them inside the cafe. A woman with the largest green bouffant Lucifer had seen in ages spotted them through the window and was standing by the door, broom in hand ready, to shoo the ducks back out. She looked as if she were wearing stacked marimo on top of her head.
The ducks didn't like that and gleefully attacked the broom as they were pushed out of the door. Only a few feathers were lost in the altercation.
“Back ya infernal menaces! Burty don't shit on my floor!” The woman yelled as one duck left his evidence of displeasure.
“Sorry 'bout that. We tell people not to feed them, but still...” She sighed and set up her broom beside the door. There was a stand with paper towels, cleaning spray, and a trash can. Using those tools she quickly wiped up the mess Burty had left behind.
“Oh! Wow! You're... wow.” She blinked at Lucifer and then her gaze met the Radio Demons. “Alastor you didn't tell me you'd be bringing Lucifer Morningstar! I would have made a special cake!”
“Good afternoon, Mary. No need for specialized treatment. Bring us each a slice of your apple pie and coffee, if you please.”
“Apple pie sounds great!” Lucifer added.
“Are you staying in here or going out to the patio?”
Alastor glanced out the window and frowned at the feral ducks. Then he raised an eyebrow at Lucifer.
He really wanted to play with the ducks, but there were pie snacks to be had. Snacks were scared and he wouldn't share, not even with cute little duckie wuckies.
“Inside while we eat, but I'd like to take our coffee to go?”
“The coffee bar is open, togo cups are over there,” she pointed to a counter with a line of black pump carafes and all sorts of coffee additives.
“Ah, but I would appreciate your special blend, dear,” Alastor added.
“Oh! Um? You too Sir?” She turned to ask Lucifer.
“Uh?” Lucifer blinked. He didn't know what her special blend was.
“It is delightful. Better than the stuff she puts out for the general public,” Alastor grinned. “Mary here is my new coffee contact!”
“Oh!” Lucifer beamed. So this was Alastor's new source! “Please?” Lucifer asked her.
“Of course. Alastor here is a bit of a foodie. The only person who's ever been able to pick up the notes in my coffee!”
“I prefer bon vivant,” the deer chuckled and led Lucifer to seats by the window. “Lucifer takes cream and sugar.”
“I'll bring it right out.”
They settled into a table near the window overlooking the duck pond. Lucifer grinned as a duck dipped under the water and came up with a fish. The other ducks burst into action and together they tore the fish apart. Volcano ducks were omnivorous but preferred a protein-heavy diet.
“I made this park for Charlie. I'd completely forgotten about it.”
“I understand that the area is heavily terraformed.”
“Yup, I had to create all new earth, fresh water, and the trees. I made it to be a sustainable area for birds. Earth birds were the goal, but I couldn't figure out a way to stop the Heckn' Bats from eating the Earth birds. Put a real damper on the birthday festivities when a bat crunched into a Blue Jay in front of Charlie. I sort of just gave up on the project after that. I wonder how the Volcano Ducks got up here?”
“I don't know, but I have spotted the Heckn' Bats and the ducks battle it out. Most amusing. The carnage! This little park has become one of my favorite spots to unwind from a truly hectic day.”
Alastor liked the park? Huh... there was that chest tickle again.
“Perhaps a more raptor-like Earth bird would manage in this environment. Songbirds are defenseless but perhaps bring in a large eagle? It would be hard to say which side would win in a scuffle. Fast birds? OH!” Alastor's grin doubled in size. “If you want something showy bring in the Cassowaries! A Volcano Duck against a Cassowary would be a show indeed!”
“This isn't Avian Fight Club!” Lucifer protested.
“I beg to differ. The turf war between the avians is quite the draw.”
Lucifer sighed. Once again, his intent and the result were on opposing sides. However, the idea of predator-type birds from Earth wasn't bad even if Cassowaries were the Freddy Kruger's of birds.
“You have to be very careful bringing animals in from Earth,” Lucifer told him. “The mess Levi caused with the peacocks was a doozy to clean up. I think Satan still goes down to Envy every few years to cull them.”
“Yet, you tried to gift an entire bird sanctuary to your offspring. And I must point out that Daisy is also earth-born. How did you find her?” He stroked his pocket where the alligator rested. Poor thing was probably traumatized by Alastor's driving.
“She was a farm gator. Meant to eventually be killed for her meat to sell to tourists. I busted her and the other babies out.”
“Ah, A good old-fashioned jailbreak! What did you do with the others?”
“Weeeeelllll,” Lucifer let his eyes shift slightly to the left. “Mamon might want to think twice before taking a stroll near his koi pond. Since he's not the out-of-door type, I think it will be a few generations before he realizes he's got a pond full of alligators rather than the super expensive koi he's so proud of. Daisy, there is the only one who tried to bite me when I rescued them. I thought you'd prefer a pet with a bit of personality. That's why I chose her.”
Alastor practically lit up and began to tell Lucifer all about Daisy's peculiar habits. Nibbling on her own tail seemed to melt the deer into a gooey sweet doting mess. While the way she liked to play hide and seek in his bayou at feeding time seemed to be a source of consternation.
“I have to wade in and fetch her every time!”
She didn't seem to have much of a sense of real danger as Harlow often woke to find her trying to eat a fully grown unicorn. Unicorn hoof being her favorite chew thing. Alastor was attempting to train her out of it, but she was being stubborn.
Lucifer ate his pie and listened as Alastor waxed poetic about his pet. The tickle in his chest was growing.
It was time he faced the truth. He liked the Radio Demon. Really liked him. Cute, fluffy, and a big old softy at his core, Lucifer really, really liked him. He could admit that much at least. The rest... he wasn't ready to unpack those bags just yet. Nope, not yet, and no thinking about it either. Stupid brain. The hamster needed to stop spinning that wheel immediately.
Notes:
The next chapter is a continuation of their little date. Lucifer takes the moment to confess to Alastor about his past.
Chapter 21: Lucifer's Easter Special
Summary:
HAppy EAster! This is a little short story for the holiday. I'm posting it here and I'll also post it separately.
Chapter Text
It was roughly 4 am, and Lucifer was running around the hotel. His long white ears twitched at a sound that didn't belong.
Oh NO! Hide!
Lucifer ducked into Niffty's cleaning closet. He clutched the basket to his chest and waited.
The door opened on well-oiled hinges. The red-haired deer's focus immediately went to the top of Lucifer's head.
“Sire, what are you doing?”
Oh, well. Ok, Luci, lean into it!
“Um... Well... It's a holiday?”
“You don't sound so certain about that.”
“It IS a holiday. It's a spring thing? Did you have Ostra when you were living?”
“We called it Easter, and I do believe it was annexed by Christianity to celebrate...”
“Dad's human kid. The Zombie,” Lucifer waved that away. “Well, Charlie always loved surprises, and there's this tradition of hiding eggs and chocolate. I thought she'd like it...” Lucifer shifted from side to side, bumping into the large box of economy paper towels. The box shifted the mop, and the handle fell, hitting the other side of the closet, trapping Lucifer in.
Alastor sighed and righted the mop and held the door open so that Lucifer could exit.
“But why the extra... extremities?”
“They're cute?”
“Indeed...” His tone was full of amusement. The lifted eyebrow made Lucifer super suspicious that the stupid deer was teasing him. Revenge! Ha!
Lucifer pushed his basket into Alastor's chest. Alastor clutched it and glanced down at the brightly colored painted eggs.
“Congratulations, you've been promoted to assistant bunny-in-training.”
“Pardon?”
“I'll take the lobby, you go hide these outside in the topiary!” Lucifer beamed at him.
“You wish for me to... conceal these?”
“Yup! When everyone wakes up, we can have a hunt! It will be fun! When you're done hiding those, come help me with the decorating!” Lucifer tried to sound stern, but his ears twitched with excitement...EGG-citement. HA!
Alastor looked back down at the basket, then gave a long-suffering sigh. “Very well.”
♪♫“Here comes Peter Cottontail!”♪♫ Lucifer sang as he covered the lobby floor in pastel paper grass.
Daisy was having fun crawling around under all the mess. She was an expert egg finder. A-1 Tops! More than once, he heard the gleeful crunching of an eggshell cracking and the disturbing noises of a little alligator munching on a boiled egg. So much for his hard work coloring all those eggs, but she was having so much fun he couldn't bear to stop her personal little hunt. He just had to make certain she didn't eat any of the chocolate eggs.
He looked around and grinned.
“You've turned the hotel into a pastel horror!” Alastor exclaimed, manifesting behind him. He wasn't startled! He wasn't! Stupid sneaky deer.
Alastor was grinning... well, he was always grinning, but this time it looked rather manic. His own ears were twitching. He looked a little too pleased with himself.
Was Alastor getting into the spirit of the thing?
“Finish hiding the eggs?”
“Yes, Sire.”
“Do you know how to make egg salad?” Lucifer asked him.
Alastor gave him a look that questioned Lucifer's intelligence.
“Hahaha... Well, why don't you get into the spirit of things!” Lucifer shifted and ran his hand over his fluffy ears. Ohhh, the fluffy! No, focus! “I had a bunch of eggs crack when I was boiling them. Um, do you want to make the egg salad while I finish up the decorating?”
Alastor hummed and kicked the paper grass out of his way as he wandered to the kitchen.
Was that a yes? Lucifer decided that was a yes. Hopefully.
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF...!” Alastor shouted from the kitchen. Lucifer winced... well, he may have left a tiny little itty bitty minuscule mess. He'd tried to peel the boiled eggs, and more shell than egg ended up in the bowl. Those shells were tricky! They didn't want to come off the eggs and just glued themselves on! Then the shells that did come off didn't want to stop sticking to his hands, so a lot of shell ended up on the floor...wall... maybe a bit on the ceiling? Just a little. Really.
There was clanging and banging in the kitchen and more than a few bursts of agitated static. He'd leave the cooking to Alastor.
“Alrighty Daisy!” Lucifer scooped the alligator up from under the sofa. Her snout was covered in fluffy egg yolk. Lucifer booped her snoot and magically cleaned her off. She snapped at his finger. “Let's set up the chocolate bunny statue!”
3 Months Later!
“GODS! Where is it!” Charlie howled, nearly in tears. The pungent smell of rotting eggs filled the lobby. Niffty screeched as she tore the curtains down and checked the inside of the rods.
Lucifer set up a few fans to hopefully blow some 'clean hellish air' into the lobby. All the windows were open wide, and the doors were propped open.
“That's it! Imma movin' out!” Angel lamented sticking his head out of a window for some fresh air. “Yous gonna need to tear down the entire hotel!” He gagged and tried his best not to lose what little food he'd been able to keep down.
“I'm not settin' one toe inside until the smell goes away,” Cherri added from the other side of the window.
“It's not so bad...” Lucifer said.
“It smells like the worst sort of egg farts!” Charlie cried.
Alastor sat on the sofa, sipping his coffee and reading the paper. His ears twitched, and his grin seemed a bit wider than typical. Super Sus...
“Why don't we start with the basics?” Vaggie suggested. “Let's put all the movable furniture outside. Once we clear the room, then we can begin to really look in all the cracks and crevices.”
They began to move everything outside. Including Alastor and the sofa. Stupid deer, he refused to help.
“It is an egg hunt after all. It takes away the spirit of the thing if I assist in the search.”
“You hunt eggs on Easter!” Charlie protested.
“Ah, ah, it is not my fault they cease to be found!”
“Alastor!” Charlie scolded. They'd been having the same discussion since the first whiff of rot began.
Lucifer sent the furniture out of the lobby. Alastor ended up drinking his coffee and reading his paper on the lawn. They all assisted in taking down curtains and rolling up rugs. They were going to do a deep clean. For some reason, the stinky eggs were evading the heck out of Lucifer's magic, so they had to resort to good old-fashioned elbow grease.
“There's nowhere else to clean!” Charlie wailed as she looked around the empty lobby.
Lucifer and Vaggie were checking the ceiling, and both flew down to give her hugs.
“It will be alright!” Lucifer lied.
“Nif NO!” Angel yelled. Both Cherri and Angel were trying to catch the woman. She dodged around their legs and screamed madly.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” Niffty ran across the room, “EXTERMINATION!” She pulled the pin on a little white ball. Then threw it into the air.
“FUCK!” Angel and Cherri yelled backpedaling in the other direction. Lucifer squeaked and wrapped his wings around both Charlie and Vaggie.
KABOOM!
“MUHAHAHHAAAAAAA! GOT YOU!” Niftty screamed.
Lucifer peaked open an eye. Niffty bolted passed and he tracked her across the room.
He looked up and saw Alastor waving at him through the massive hole in the wall. His ears were twitching, and he was doing his best to hold in a laugh.
“Dad! Look!” Charlie was peering passed his wing and was pointing at Niffy. She was scrambling around the wall.
….
…....
….......
“DAMMIT ALASTOR!” Lucifer yelled as he spotted dozens of brightly painted rotting eggs filling the inside of the wall.
“Happy Easter, Chums! I must say, it took longer than I'd anticipated for you to locate them. I do believe this is the longest we've kept this wall intact. Good Job.”
Lucifer was going to smite the heckn' heck out of him.
Chapter 22
Summary:
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
The continuation of the Ducky Cafe Date
Lucifer is comfortable enough around Alastor to confess.
Notes:
I hope you all liked Silly Luci's Easter Special. I'm about to put poor duckie through the emotional wringer and a bit of levity was in order. Keep in mind, this is a happy ending. A very Fluffy bit of fluff, but in order to heal, Luci has to process.
I also might be altering the tags. I began this work thinking Alastor was emotionally constipated, but the more I write him the more I think he's got his shit together more than most.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 21
“Shall we walk?” Alastor asked suddenly. He stood and picked up his coffee.
“Uh... ok...” Lucifer blinked. Where had the time gone? It seemed as if it had just been moments, and bam, the pie was gone, and it was time to leave. Blast. He hadn't even really gotten to taste the pie. Stupid brain, not focusing on the important things. Lucifer's own coffee had gone cold a while ago. He quickly reheated it. It seemed a shame not to finish such good coffee.
Alastor opened the door for them and used his microphone to scatter the ducks so that they wouldn't enter. There was a pebble pathway circling the pond, and Alastor led the way down the path, scattering ducks in his wake. A few ducks got brave and tried attacking their boots, but a short burst of static had them squawking and running away in alarm.
“Juveniles!” Lucifer laughed at the brave little things.
“Teenagers of any species are blasted headaches. While I do regret not having my own spawn, I don't think I'd miss the hormonal years.”
“Ya, Charlie went through a rough phase, but overall she was a good girl. She was just trying to find herself. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't trade it in for anything.”
“Charlie is quite the go-getter. I must admit a fondness. She reminds me of my dearest mother. I believe that if I had sired a child, they would have been remarkably similar in temperament, if not naivete.” Alastor had a very soft look on his face as he gazed at the juvenile ducks hissing at them from a safe distance.
“You don't think they'd take after you?”
“Perhaps...” Alastor hummed and nudged another juvenile duck out of the path. It was a fighter and lost a few feathers to Alastor's microphone, its beak not doing any damage to anything but itself. “However, if I were to breed, I'd likely have chosen someone like Maman. I never did find that person, hence the lack of offspring.”
“But Charlie reminds you of her?” Lucifer frowned.
“That she does,” Alastor stepped off the pebble path, and they began to follow a dirt footpath through the trees.
“She has Vaggie.” Little red flags were popping up in Lucifer's brain.
“Ah,” Alastor paused and turned to glance down at him. “I have no intention of wooing the child. While I regret not procreating, my interest in the act is nonexistent. If I had found that special person, I may have bit the bullet so to speak, but I never did, and now that I am down here, that ship has eternally sailed.”
Right. Alastor was firmly Ace. No daughter stealing on that front. Good, yup. Very good. Great even.
“You never considered adoption?”
“Well, I'd say that ship sailed as well.” Alastor spun his microphone and leaned on it. “I truly consider Charlie as family. Something akin to a daughter or little sister, I think. She's wormed her way into my shriveled soul and latched on. Quite the charmer, I must admit.”
Lucifer's stomach gave a happy little flutter. He felt his lips tug upward in a grin. Alastor had great taste in daughters, picking the best daughter in the entire universe. Though Lucifer was still reluctant to share. She was his baby! However, he'd allow Alastor the sentimentality.
“Shall we continue?” Alastor pointed down the path.
“Where are we going?” Lucifer asked, stepping up beside him.
“There is a creek with benches in this direction where the ducks tend to nest.”
Nesting? Lucifer grinned. If there were juveniles, there was the chance of there being some late-hatched ducklings!
“I plan to check the nests for unhatched eggs. Daisy will love the treat.”
“Boo!” Lucifer booed. “Way to take the fun out of finding duckies.”
“Don't pout. It is the natural way of things.”
“I'm not pouting.”
In less than a minute, they found themselves in a small clearing. There was a shallow creek, and on the opposite side of where they were standing were wooden nesting boxes. A few momma ducks were still sitting, and they glared at them.
“Don't take any that might still hatch,” Lucifer told him.
“Of course not,” Alastor nodded.
“Can you tell the difference?” Lucifer asked. “If not, I can...”
“My shadows are most adept at checking for life, Sire. Fear not, I will not harm the littles.” Alastor leaned over and lightly stepped onto a stone in the middle of the creek. Two stone hops later, he was on the other side of the bank. The momma ducks were livid and promptly set up a cacophony and began to try and chase the interloper away.
Lucifer sat on a swinging bench and watched as Alastor wreaked havoc among the ducks. He used his tentacles to dig about in the nests and test the eggs. He produced a basket from somewhere and began sorting the eggs. Some of them he placed back in their nests, but most of them went into the basket.
“Peep!”
Lucifer glanced around. Duckies!
Two little yellow fluffy ducklings were hiding in a bush behind him! So sneaky! So cute! He may have squealed, but would never admit to it.
“Psss, psss, psss,” Lucifer got on his knees, wiggled his fingers, and tried to lure the ducklings, but they were smart things. Nope, they said, Lucifers were too suspicious. Fair enough! So sweet, so smart!
“Sire, do get off your knees. The King should never kneel.”
“Duckies!” Lucifer pointed to the babies giving him a steady side-eye.
“I see where Charlie gets her love of small helpless creatures...” Alastor sighed and set his basket down. Daisy was already curled around the eggs and was ineffectively trying to bite them open. Volcano Duck shells were very strong, she'd have to grow a great deal to enjoy the treat without help.
Alastor's shadows reached under the bushes and plucked both duckies up. They gave short distressed peeps that caused the momma ducks on the other bank to fluff up in fury again.
“Sit on the swing, Sire,” Alastor instructed, holding both of the ducklings aloft.
Lucifer scrambled up and waited wide-eyed with gimme hands as Alastor placed both of the distressed ducklings into his lap. Lucifers DID NOT SQUEAL! They enunciated their excitement with emphasis.
Lucifer began to hum as he lightly petted the duckies. So Fluffy! His grace merged with the music and began to calm the creatures.
♪♫“Got any grapes?”♪♫ He sang an age-appropriate silly song. The duckies soon settled into his lap and were lulled into napping. Little ones needed a good rest. Good job little guys! Nap away! Lucifer slid his fingers into the fluff and gave soothing scratches.
Alastor stood by the bench and watched as the mother ducks settled around Lucifer and the gently swaying bench. They weren't agitated anymore and had begun to socially groom one another. There was a rustle in the bush, and a few more ducks came closer. There were three more ducklings! So cute. Lucifer melted. His entire being was caught up in the cuteness. The fluff was happiness.
“Thank you for bringing me here. I didn't want Charlie to know, but I am struggling with a problem.”
Alastor glanced down at him and hummed. “I had gathered. You may not realize this, Sire, but your stress manifests in particular ways. I take it that therapy with The Duck did not go well?” Alastor still held a grudge, it seemed.
“It's not Sharlanda's fault...” Lucifer sighed. Shit. He was going to do this? “I'm trying to avoid several hard truths.”
“If you are trying to avoid these truths, then you already acknowledge those truths, do you not?”
Lucifer peeked into his cosmic closet and... yes, those emotional bags had spilled over. While not exactly unpacked, the emotions were scattered all over the closet floor. Damn. Tears welled up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
“I'm a mess,” he sniffed.
“Perhaps a bit, but nothing that can't be picked up and dusted off,” Alastor hummed again.
“Lilithwasamanipulativebitch,” the words spilled out of him in a rush. He paused as a massive weight that had been sitting in his guts for centuries lightened significantly.
“From the stories I've heard from Charlie, I would agree, but do not say such things in front of the child. I fear she is not ready for that sort of hard truth.”
“I can't go back to that...” Lucifer said slowly. He began to pick the spilled mess off the floor. “I have to make a hard choice. I've been avoiding it. Running from it.”
“I take it you've made a decision, but are concerned with the aftermath? Perhaps concerned for Charlie?”
“There is that, but there is so much more. I've been alone for so long, before Charlie... I... Lilith didn't want a baby. I was so alone. I...” Lucifer took a deep breath. “I told you I used my magic to have Charlie. Sex wasn't necessary for the process. Angels... do you know how they procreated before gender and sex?” Lucifer peeked up at the deer. Alastor was standing straighter than was typical, but he didn't look uncomfortable with Lucifer unburdening himself.
“I do not.”
“I identify as male, Lucifer, the Devil, is male, but the Archangel Samael was sexless. That is still part of my identity, and as a formally sexless being I still have times when my body reverts. What I mean is that angels that were created sexless were given a means to procreate in a different way. We lay eggs,” Lucifer tensed and waited for Alastor to react to that. Nary a twitch from those lovely ears, but his look was encouraging nonetheless.
“Sire, even eggs must be fertilized. Far be it for me to explain the birds and the bees to a creature of creation.” He gestured to the ducks around them and to the basket of unfertilized eggs. “Or do little angels pop out from nothing?” Fair point.
“Um, well, no? Yes? No? Sorta? Uh... You see, with angels, the eggs are laid and can sit in dormancy forever until fertilized. They are created from a solidification of angelic grace, so they stay in stasis forever. Even if I don't want to, every couple of millennia, my former angelic nature forces me to lay a new egg. When that happens, the roller coaster of hormones... hooo boy.'
“I was so alone, very hormonal, and I had just created a new egg. So I fertilized it, mixing mine and Lilith's blood. She didn't want a child, but I fertilized my new egg without her knowledge. Once Charlie arrived, things between us seemed to get better for a while, but not even someone as bright and wonderful as Charlie was enough for her.'
“Springing Charlie on her was wrong, but my actions don't justify hers. She was horrible before Charlie, I shouldn't have expected her to change after Charlie. That is my fault.”
“Huuummm,” Alastor hummed, processing the information.
Not the reaction Lucifer had hoped for. The ducklings in his lap peeped up at him sleepily. Lucifer had stopped his scritches during his confession, and they were protesting. Lucifer resumed his pets.
“I've never told Charlie that she was unwanted, what I did. I've often wondered if I should. If I told her, maybe Lilith's rejection would give her a different perspective, but I never could bring myself to tell her. To hurt her like that. I guess I was also afraid Charlie would hate me. I... I love her so much. The years I spent without her were the worst sort of punishment. A punishment I still feel I deserved.”
“Now, that is nonsense. You didn't deserve to have her taken from you.”
Lucifer closed his eyes and tried to tamp down his emotions. One wrong twitch and he'd lose it. This tightrope walk was nearly finished. He just had to hope he didn't misstep and fall again.
“My brain and heart are of differing opinions on that.”
“It is difficult to accept a truth when you've been raised to believe in something different. You feel guilt for your actions and didn't fight back because you felt you deserved to be hurt. My, that sounds like a familiar pattern, does it not?”
Lucifer nodded. “Sharlanda said something similar. I have to break my patterns.” “You're doing wonderfully now, Sire. I do believe that amongst the family at the hotel, you will find your balance.”
“Thank you,” Lucifer whispered softly.
“Most welcome, Sire. Now I do believe that is enough catharsis for today. Do you still wish to fly home, or shall you join me in the limo?”
“Daisy and I are flying, you menace.”
Alastor chuckled and moved to take a seat beside Lucifer on the bench. They spent the rest of the afternoon in companionable quiet. Lucifer played with the ducks while Alastor periodically fetched them coffee refills.
Notes:
Not the sort of confession you all were hoping for HA!
Luci has a lot of processing to do and a lot of paperwork. He does his best, poor duckie.
Chapter 23
Summary:
Very short chapter. Luci's been getting his ducks in a row.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 22
“Bath time!” Alastor strode into Lucifer's room carrying a little plastic caddy with a red luffah dangling from the end. He was wearing a black and red checked robe, and his hooves were bare. Scandalous, those ankles were practically indecent. Wait... Bath time?
Alastor walked right past Lucifer, who'd been attempting to nap on Sir Drake, and entered the bathroom. Lucifer hadn't slept well since his outing with Alastor, and it was beginning to mess with his mind. He'd begun his mental and physical house cleaning in a flurry of paperwork and determination, but deteriorated into a mess of sleepless delirium.
Lucifer scrambled up, sort of flopping himself off Sir Drake in an attempt to stand. His brain and body were out of sync. Wake up, Luci! Feet go under you. Ok, now walk. Great job! Look at those feet shuffle.
“Uh?” Lucifer stood at the door of his bathroom and watched as Alastor filled his tub. The Legion began to bob about.
“Must keep the guard familiarized with my person!” Alastor hummed and began to lay out his toiletries on the edge of the bath. Daisy slipped into the tub, and immediately the Legion began to scatter.
“Right,” that made sense to Lucifer's sleepy brain.
“I don't squible about your use of my nest...” Alastor turned and gave Lucifer a very stern look. “No more ice cream.”
“Right.” No more ice cream in bed, got it.
“Now, a bit of privacy if you please?” Alastor turned and began to slip off his robe. Only to reveal the one-piece swimsuit he'd worn on their 'beach day'.
“You're going to bathe in a swimsuit?” Lucifer asked.
“Why yes? My mother raised me with proper manners.”
“Right?” Now, he knew he was tired, but that didn't make sense. Did it?
“Shoo,” Alastor waved him away and closed the door.
Well.
That was something. Was he still asleep? Maybe? No. He was awake.
“NO MORE COW FIGURINES! YOU KNOW DAISY TRIES TO EAT THEM!” Was shouted from the bathroom, causing Lucifer to jump.
In a sleepy daze, Lucifer wandered out of his room. Alastor was a noisy bather, it seemed, and Lucifer's nerves were edgy. He couldn't handle the jump scares today.
Some part of his brain must have still been functioning, the logic part telling him that if Alastor was in his tub, then the super comfy bed was free. Bed= sleep. Sleep=good. Bed+sleep=happy Lucifer.
Former archangels of his caliber didn't need to sleep, but he'd gotten into the habit. It was like being an addict. Sleep was a drug he didn't want to kick. Sleep allowed his brain to do a minor reset almost every day! It was wonderful! But not sleeping after getting into the habit was horrible. The worst. His body was not happy with going cold turkey on sleep. Nope, he needed his sleeping fix and fast.
“Hello, Dirt Bed,” Lucifer muttered as he stepped into the bayou. “Hallow Heblo,” Lucifer greeted the unicorn eating Alastor's leftover dinner rolls off the patio table.
“Harlow... Melek,” the unicorn corrected him.
Lucifer grunted and stumbled his way into the bed. The scent hit him immediately. Alastor. Breathing deeply, he fumbled his way under the covers. Pillow? Heck. No pillow. Pillow was over there. He'd flopped into the bed in the wrong direction. Circle beds were hard. Who knew where the top and bottom was to a circle?
Lucifer wiggled around until he was right-way around. As his body began to relax, he felt his grip on his wings give way. Double heck. Now the blankets were tossed all willy-nilly. He wanted to cuddle, dang it!
Lucifers did not whine. They protested by flopping about in starfish-style agitation.
Blankie! Ugh. Blast.
“Melek?” The unicorn popped his head between the slit in the red netting. Lucifer peaked up at him.
“My wings popped out,” Lucifer did not whine.
“Put them back in?” Was the offered advice. It wasn't a bad idea! Lucifer tried to focus. Get back in there wings! Yay!
Pulling the comforter up to his chin, he buried his face into Alastor's pillow.
“Sleep, sleep, slippity sleep,” Lucifer hummed. Finally, his brain seemed to stop, the combination of the best bed in Hell and the comforting scent lulling him into oblivion. Yay, sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
“Scoot over, Sire.”
“Pthhhhssss.”
“Don't hiss at me, you infernal menace.”
There was a firm pressure against his back, and Lucifer rolled over. He felt his wings pop out. Oh? Wings? Lucifer opened a single eye to check, but then closed it again when he felt the bed dip and that wonderful, calming scent became stronger. The scent and the grumblings of a grumpy deer lulled him into a deeper slumber.
Lucifer was warm and floaty. So warm. So comfy. He sleepily delighted in the feeling. He buried his face into the source of the wonderful smell. So soft. So fluffy. It had been so long since he'd felt so content. He purposefully refused to wake fully, afraid that once he did, the peace he was feeling would leave him.
“I'm so sorry, Alastor! It's an emergency!... Dad?”
Something rumbled against Lucifer's chest, and the fluffy pulled away. Noooo! Fluffy, come back! Lucifer popped open an eye. His vision was obscured by red and black fur... hair? He pulled back and tried to refocus. Blinking a few times. Nope. His face was pressed directly into Alastor's fluffy ears. Wonderful!
“I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry, but this is important.” The fluff began to move, and with a sigh, Lucifer stopped clinging to the deer like a limpet.
“Char?” He muttered. He had to move his wing, but once he did, he spotted his baby girl on her knees tugging on the blankets trying to get them both up. Her face was tear-streaked, and she was visibly holding back a fresh sob.
“Dad, get up. This is important!”
His baby! Something was wrong. A jolt of adrenaline shot through his system, and he was sitting up, wings fluttering in agitation.
“Char, what's wrong?” He tried to move but discovered that he was pinned under a pile of blankets and Radio Demon. The demon in question gave out a protesting blast of static as he began to wake up.
Alastor. He'd been sleeping with Alastor, and his baby had walked in on him! Embarrassment replaced the coursing adrenaline in his system. Well, this was a pickle for Later Lucifer to sort out. He'd make sure Jeremy made a memo so he'd remember to hyper-fixate on this new turn of events.
“Mom's on TV,” Charlie's voice cracked as she gave the news.
The fire was an accident. The bed curtains lit up in a whoosh of flame. No demons, Charlies, or Devils were injured in the conflagration, but that wasn't to say there wasn't harm caused by the news.
Notes:
Oh, shit! This all leads up to a better, more emotionally stable Luci. Promise!
Chapter 24
Summary:
Uh oh! Lilith is back, and it's not good.
Notes:
Note: There are points in this chapter when Lucifer gets bad ass angely. I tried to change the font to show that, but the best I could do was bold and italics. When you come across this, he's gone polyphonic.
Chapter Text
Chapter 23
“It was real bad,” Angel said, pointing to the glitched-out TV.
Alastor had woken to a fire, and in his sleep-addled brain, he'd heard TV. He'd immediately come to the conclusion that they were under attack by a TV and had glitched out all electronics in Pride, causing a massive blackout. Not something Lucifer knew he could do. It was interesting... Very. And that had Lucifer's hamster wheel of a brain running, but right now they had to focus.
Vaggie enveloped Charlie in a hug. “I wrote down the key talking points before the power went out. I'm so sorry, Sweetie.”
Charlie pressed her face into Vaggie's shoulder and tried to do her breathing exercises. Good idea.
Hee hee hoo. Hee hee hoo.
“Why do you smell like fire and singed hair?” Vaggie asked.
“And why is Short King doing Lamaze?”
That forced a manic, crazed chuckle from Charlie.
“The news caused a bit of a spark...” Alastor glanced around at the assembled guests and employees. Everyone present and accounted for, including the new guests.
“Short King set somethin' on fire, didn't cha?”
Lucifer blinked at Angel. He had to focus. Breathing wasn't working.
“Yes?” He said, but his voice sounded far away, like it didn't belong to him. He felt like he was on the outside looking down at it all.
Huh? He was... He tested his power. Yep. That was him. He'd stretched his mind and power to encompass all of Pride. He'd forgotten he could do that. He'd done it once before in the very beginning, and had vowed never to do it again, because it was a massive invasion of privacy, and he really didn't need to see all the horrors his subjects were up to.
Alastor took the list from Vaggie. Lucifer's hair stood on end as static filled the room. Very. Interesting. Hedgehog Lucifer reborn! Spiky! It's over 9000! Did Alastor know that his power was more than he let on? Probably. Stupid Deer was super smart.
“Sire.” Alastor handed him the notepad.
-
Misguided daughter
-
Shut down hotel
-
Put a stop to this 'redemption nonsense' (It's not nonsense. Charlie is amazing.)
-
Taking the helm as Queen to bring Hell back under leadership (Puta)
-
Negotiations with Heaven to prevent a war- exterminations?
-
A sacrificial draft plan... (no comment on how this will work)
-
Lucifer's seclusion mentioned
not elucidated. -
A team of Overlords to help sort the populace.
-
Overlords used bc of Lucifer
Lucifer set fire to the notepad and let the ashes fall to the ground. Vaggie had been generous with her notes so as to not hurt Charlie as much as possible, but Lucifer's current omniscience told him a darker, more sinister, tale.
He could see into the TV studio. The script that Lilith had laid out for the TV viewers. He saw the scramble as the Box yelled at his employees to get the power back up. Lilith at the interview desk, sipping a paper cup of coffee. Clicking her claws on the tabletop in controlled agitation. Click, click, click. The rhythm of it caused the Box to sweat...or at least his screen showed emoji-like sweat drops.
How did the TV bathe? Water wasn't good for electronics. Was he stinky? Maybe he blew himself off with compressed air? No, focus Lucifer. Stupid TV Boxes were not worth being distracted over. Lilith was the problem. A big problem. Huge.
Her real plans were better detailed in the journal she kept. She always was one for journaling, telling Lucifer that she didn't trust in the memory cleanses. It felt wrong to be reading it, even worse that he was reading it from the secret compartment she stored it in amongst her luggage.
She hadn't gone back to the palace...yet. But she was planning to destroy some very old, very fundamental laws that they had put in place during the founding. If there were no records of the laws, then they never existed in the first place. She didn't know that Lucifer had moved all the important things out. His closet was massive, and creating a few pocket dimensions in Alastor's storage building hadn't been difficult. Her plans on the overthrowing of Hell front were already thwarted by Lucifer's single dad energy, and she didn't even know it.
But the worst, the very worst... were her plans for Charlie. Unforgivable.
“Dad? You're crying...” Charlie pressed him into a hug. He could feel it, but it felt very distant.
He forced himself back, back into his body, his mind. His arms came up and wrapped his daughter tight. She was his star, his guiding light. He'd gladly destroy everything to keep her safe. If not happy, at least he'd keep her safe. He'd have to leave the keep-her-happy part up to the others.
“I saw it, Charlie. I... I can see her plans. Her...” Lucifer took a deep breath and really struggled to pull his power back in. He pulled away from Charlie and gave her the best eye contact he could through bleary tears. “Charlie, I never ever want to hurt you, but I'm afraid you'll never forgive me for what I have to do.” He'd be the bad guy. He'd play the heel. He'd do the devastating thing to keep her safe.
“Dad? Is that an archangel thing?” Charlie jerked, but didn't pull away. “Are...are you going to kill Mom?”
“No, but... I have to banish her. Have to. She's to influential and powerful to allow to wander the rings.” Fresh tears flowed down his face. He'd become his father. Something he'd sworn...
“Banish? Can you banish someone from Hell? Isn't this the last stop?” Angel asked, stopping Lucifer mid-mental spiral.
“She can go back to Heaven,” Alastor muttered. “Send the trash back where it belongs.”
“Heaven? Mom was in Heaven?” Charlie turned to look at Alastor. “How do you know that?”
“I know a great deal, My Dear. There are radios even up on the Great Cloud.” He waved his hand in the air, dismissing that massive reveal.
Lucifer glanced at Alastor. Very, very, very interesting. Something was niggling at the back of his brain, but he didn't have the processing power right at that moment to pick it apart.
“There are some legalities we must sit down and talk about later, but Charlie...” He brought his baby girl's attention back to himself. “I need to know if you want to say goodbye to her. If you want to speak with her before she leaves forever. She may say some things that will hurt you even more...”
“Oh...” Charlie's eyes welled up, and she struggled to choke back a sob. Then she quickly nodded and pressed her face into his shoulder. “I need to know.”
“Alright, baby. Alright.” Lucifer held her and rocked her gently from side to side. “I love you. I love you so much. I love you.” He muttered over and over as they both cried.
Alastor and Angel both gave him 'once-overs'. Angel said it wasn't a makeover, just a sprucing up. Alastor had chosen his clothes, raiding his physical closet with the determination of a wolverine, and Angel had done his hair and makeup. Luckily, their complexions were similar, as Lucifer wasn't the type to have his own cosmetics. There wasn't much to be done about the puffiness of his eyes, but he did his best to set his angelic healing to sort out the mess as quickly as possible. Super healing powers activate!
For a ten-minute fix-em-up, it wasn't bad. Objectively, he looked good. Damn good. He looked like a...king. Though he was more than a little pissed Alastor had destroyed his top hat to disassemble his snake crown. He'd told on him to Parker. When Alastor did get around to requesting that new kitchen apron, he hoped Parker would make it drunk tank pink as revenge.
He did have to admit that the white top hat didn't match the outfit. The black pants and dress shirt were his, but everything else had been borrowed and quickly altered for his frame. The black silk vest with red filigree had been Alastor's. Surprisingly, they had the same chest size, so the vest fit nicely. The knee-high boots were Angels, but on Lucifer, they went all the way up to his thighs. Giving him a sexy pirate vibe. The jacket was one of Charlie's from her goth phase. He was surprised she still had it, as it was no longer her style. He considered asking her if he could keep it, since it was 100% his sort of thing. If only it were white... oh, well.
A black cap-sleeved jacket that made his shoulders look broader with red silk lining and gold buttons, it fit snugly around the waist and flared out dramatically like a loose cape or skirt at the bottom, fluttering around his knees as he moved.
Alastor had also raided Charlie's jewelry. A gold collar pin with three dangling gold chains was added to the apple broach at his neck. Lucifer's own snake-themed suit chain was attached to the pocket and breast of the jacket. He was a little pleased that Charlie's and his idea of accessories matched.
He looked good. Which was good, since he was about to make a surprise TV appearance. Plus, the black was better than white at hiding blood if things got messy. He really hoped it didn't get messy. Really. Though the universe seemed to be giving him the middle finger today.
Charlie and Vaggie were at the palace preparing for a 'talk' with Lilith. The Legion would be joining them just in case. Glenda was on standby.
They hadn't spoken about it, but Alastor was Lucifer's backup. Not that he needed physical backup, but having someone at your back, even if unnecessary, was good. Good. Great. Fan-ducking-tatstic. Nope, he wasn't freaking out over this confrontation, nope. He was a cucumber. Very, very chill.
“I'm gonna puke,” Lucifer whispered.
“Nonsense, Sire,” Alastor patted him on the shoulder. “Do you wish to portal there, or shall I provide?”
“I don't think I can focus my magic right now... I feel so scattered.”
“Very well, I shall have to touch you during the duration. Please be advised not to breathe in the shadows.” Alastor took Lucifer's elbow in a tight grip. “Do try not to get lost. It may take months for me to find a wayward soul.”
“What? Why?” Lucifer looked up at Alastor, but they were already melting into the shadows before Alastor answered. Lucifer quickly took a deep breath, and he was pulled along Alastor's power. And DOUBLE DAMN, that was not a normal amount of power. Nothing compared to an archangel's, but it was enough that only the Sins could compare. How the heck? Sinners, even Overlords, shouldn't be able to pull the stunts Alastor pulled today on accident. Their Moat Gator was strong as duck! Good thing he was on their side, and Lucifer sorta had him under contract. Nope, did not need a feral Radio Demon on the loose. Problematic was short selling it.
“You may open your eyes, Sire,” Alastor commented.
Lucifer blinked and looked around. Everyone was staring at them. Alastor had shadow-traveled them directly into the TV studio. Lights from phones all swiveled towards them out of the dark.
“Alastor, you asshole, you did this didn't you!” The TV Box yelled from across the room.
“Sire, perhaps we should shed a bit of light upon the situation?” Alastor gave Lucifer a very slight nudge.
“Right. Light. Power. Wham, Bam, Huzzuah!” Lucifer twirled his cane and tapped it lightly on the floor. He didn't need the theatrics, but hey, he had an image to maintain. Image. Right. Keep control. Don't pay any attention to the marbles his mind was rolling across the floor.
The lights flickered on, and the TV equipment powered on with it. He waited a few beats. Echo gave him a thumbs-up from across the room. The cameras were on, and they would be broadcasting this shit show to all of Hell. Interesting that Alastor could so easily hijack TV Box's network. Frequencies were frequencies, no matter what bandwidth they were on. Frequency Demon or Electrostatic Demon didn't sound as great as Radio Demon, even if it was the more accurate moniker.
“I do agree,” Alastor muttered. Huh? Lucifer blinked up at him, but his attention was quickly distracted by the tsking coming from Lilith.
Oh! Right. Uh... focus Lucifer. You have a circus to run. These were his monkeys, and he needed to do his job to herd them. Did you herd monkeys? Maybe wrangle was the better term?
Alastor lightly nudged him again. Lucifer grasped at his marbles and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
Lucifer leaned against his cane and grinned at his wife...ex-wife.
“Hello, Lily. Imagine my surprise to find you here... in Hell. When you've been cooling your heels all this time with angels. And not even a phone call. Lose my number, Lily? Lose Charlie's?”
“Lucifer,” she frowned. She had not wanted the tidbit about her whereabouts to get out, it seemed. “This is not the welcome back I expected.”
“Hummm, really?” Lucifer stood up straighter. “I think it should be more than expected, considering...” He shrugged. Really, what had she expected? Probably a parade. She was the sort of narcissist to expect it.
Alastor coughed, trying to hide a chuckle.
TV Box slid into his seat at the interview desk. Lucifer's gaze shifted to him.
“Your Majesty, were you really in Heaven all this time?” TV Box asked Lilith. “You never told us how you were negotiating on our behalf. Like many here, I assumed you had gone through the embassy.”
“I've done everything for my people,” Lilith said silkily.
“Ah, ah!” Alastor piped up, twirling his microphone back and forth. Would the people even be able to see him on screen? “Point of contention there, I believe, correct Sire?” Alastor glanced down at him.
“Correct. No one is 'my people', Lily,” Lucifer stepped forward and dropped a manila envelope in front of her. It slid a bit on the glossy desk, and the camera got in the way as it zoomed in on it. “The divorce papers and settlement.”
Lilith looked down at the envelope, then back up at him. “Good try, Lucifer. I didn't sign these. Poor thing, have you really gone so addled?” She leaned across the desk closer to TV Box. “This is why we must form an Overlord council to rule Pride.”
“Furthermore,” Lucifer grinned at her, but there was no mirth in it. “Do you remember what the punishment is for trying to overthrow the royal family? Since you yourself developed that particular law, surely, you must remember.”
Lilith frowned, a brief flash of worry showed in her eyes before she got herself under control.
“Of course I do, Sweetheart.”
“Nope. I don't think you do. Ally opp!” Lucifer stepped closer to the desk and then hopped up to sit on top of it, crossing his legs. He tossed his cane to Alastor, who caught it with a grin. Then he pulled out another bundle of documents. He created fake pink reading glasses and pretended to be focusing on the papers. “Yep, it's right here in the founding documents.” He tapped the papers. “Would you like to read them TV Box? The highlighted parts will do.” Lucifer passed the papers to the TV who took them with a brief glance at Lilith. Her eyes narrowed.
“Vox, and I don't think I should get technical...”
“Ah, Vox, don't tell me you've forgotten how to read,” Alastor manifested behind TV Box and tapped Lucifer's cane on the desk. “Shall I assist?”
“No, I can read!” TV Box's screen flashed a cartoon of a dancing bear singing the ABCs. A B C as easy as 1 2 3! His mind skipped along with the flashing screen.
“Lucifer, what is your point with all this nonsense? Perhaps you should just go home and let me handle things here.” Lilith sounded calm, but there was just the slightest hitch in her voice. No one except Lucifer would have noticed.
“I don't think so. You see, this entire scheme you've come up with? It's against the law in a very real way. Funny, you created the law and now you choose to break it? And so publicly! Tsk tsk, Lily. Perhaps you should have visited the vaults before you enacted your little plan? Oh, but sadly, I cleared out the vaults! All the archives are stashed away in a safe place where sticky hands can't just destroy them. Pity about your plan. Seems I should send Satan a gift basket. It was his idea to move everything out of the palace.” Lucifer turned to the camera and waved, “Hey, Satan. Good job!”
Lilith pushed back her chair. “The interview is over.”
“Oh? But I haven't told you the best part.” Lucifer kicked out his legs and hopped back down off the desk. “Your punishment for trying to overthrow Hell is standard. Death. Forever death, I'm afraid.” He didn't have to feign sorrow at that declaration. He wasn't going to kill her, but he really hoped she wouldn't push him further. He'd truly cared about her once, and this was shattering something deep inside of him. His current dissociation notwithstanding. Dissociating kept the therapists ducks from mobbing him... for now.
“Lucifer! You know as well as I that those laws are to stop the Goetia, or the other Sins, from overthrowing the royal family. They do not pertain to me. My plan is going to help Hell maintain peace with Heaven.”
“By picking and choosing who lives and who double-dies on your own whims? On the whims of your angelic cohorts? Nope, not ganna happen.” He shook his head slowly and took a moment to take a deep breath. “But since you're the mother of my child, I am going to be lenient just this once. For Charlie's sake...” Lucifer sighed. Enough with the show. “Lily, you're banished from Hell. You no longer hold any place here. Go back to where you want to be. Go back to Heaven, never return.”
There was a crack of power as Lucifer gave his sentence, and the universe listened. Hell shook as Lilith's ties to the network of Hell's structure were cut off. She no longer held any power here and Hell was in fluctuation for lack of a consort. A problem for Future Lucifer.
Lilith paled. “I am Queen, you don't have authority to do this! Hell has to have two royals ruling!”
“You left, I divorced you, you haven't been Queen for a long time, Lily. I just hadn't had the heart to cut you off from Hell completely, but this...” Lucifer held up Lilith's journal. “This is unforgivable, even for Hell's extremely low standards.”
Lilith's body quivered in shock as she stared at her journal.
“How...”
“You forgot what I am? What I once was?” Lucifer sighed. “There is a reason I am King, Lilith. Second only to Dad himself. I once created the cosmos. The universe. I am THE ARCHANGEL OF CREATION .” He let out his wings and freed his grip on his power. His eyes opened for all to see what he truly was, what he'd never stopped being. The surrounding television crew fell to their knees, weeping. TV Box fell out of his seat and ended up somewhere under the desk. Even Lilith was forced to bow before him.
… … … But Alastor... He stood straight and beamed at him. And finally, Lucifer saw what had been bothering him since they woke.
“I really need to have a word with Momma Alastor...” Lucifer muttered as he brought his power back into himself. Alastor's ears twitched, and he tilted his head.
“Pardon?”
“We'll talk about it later.”
Lucifer faced the camera. “Lilith is no longer Queen. She is dead to Hell. As such, all her properties and holdings will be transferred to her next of kin, Princess Charlotte.” With a wave of his hand, the cameras cut off.
Chapter Text
Chapter 24
“Lucifer...” Lilith hissed. Her eyes were flashing, and her entire body was shaking with anger. Strange how she'd always seemed so beautiful to him when she was angry, not anymore. Maybe that was healthier? Kink and poor mental health tapped danced together so often that it was hard for him to figure out which one was performing a solo.
“That's my name, don't wear it out.” Heck, it was the only thing Lucifer could think of to say. All the marbles were scattered, and he wasn't given much time to think about picking them up.
“You could have...” The room shook with Lilith's anger. The TV crew that had been bowing to him were crawling over each other to get out the door. Probably a good call. He really wanted to join them. “You could have sent me back to Heaven at any time!” She screamed and thumped her fist against the desk, cracking it.
“Uh, no!” Lucifer held up his hands. “It doesn't work like that... Michael. You remember him? He'd probably have just booted you back down here.” Lucifer pointed down, but then waved his hand around.
“Probably isn't a certainty you dolt!” She slammed her fist into the desk again. That desk didn't do anything wrong, poor desk.
“True... but...”
“You asshole! You kept me trapped down here for your own amusement! Did you like it, Lucifer? Did you like watching? Did you take a perverse joy in my longing for something better?” Her voice cracked as she screamed, and Lucifer winced.
“No, I never...”
“And other sinners. Could you just banish them too? Can you pick and choose who stays and who goes 'on your own whim' as you put it?”
“No, I... Technically yes, but... ” It didn't work like that, and she knew it, or at least Lucifer had thought she knew it.
“You're just like your father. Apple didn't fall far from that tree, did it!”
Lucifer flinched. She'd always known how to punch low.
Alastor snorted.
Both Lucifer and Lilith turned to him.
Alastor leaned against his microphone and examined his nails.
“Far be it for me to judge, but comparing Lucifer to the Almighty seems to be a good thing. Quite the compliment, I must say. Very incongruent with your current tirade.”
Huh? Lucifer's brain that had been frantically trying to gather his marbles, dropped them again. Damn, he was sure he'd lost a few.
“Shall I elucidate with a flow chart? There are far more positives than negatives, I'd say,” Alastor lowered his hand and gave Lilith a bored look. “Pity you couldn't keep the man who is second only to Him.” Alastor pointed up. “You had everything, a husband, utterly devoted. A family that truly cared for you. By proxy, you were the third most powerful singular being, and you threw it away because you wanted even more power. It's not Lucifer who has an addled mind. It is you. ”
Lilith went absolutely feral. She launched herself across the desk, what was left of her power wrapped around Alastor in a stranglehold. The crazy deer just laughed in her face when she failed to do any significant damage. Alastor lifted his mic and whacked her hard between her horns. Green power began to swirl around his feet as shadow tentacles wrapped around her. She flashed her fangs, and he mimicked her, cackling with unhinged glee.
Well, shit. So much for things not getting messy.
Lucifer metaphorically rolled up his sleeves and saved his ex-wife from the Radio Demon. Out of the two of them, there was no doubt in his mind which would win in a scrap.
After Lilith did her best to rip out his wings, he thought it prudent not to be Johnny-on-the-spot for Charlie's farewell talk. Not that he didn't listen in. He wasn't that trusting. He also made damn sure Alastor was stationed directly behind Charlie ready to fend off any more attempts at maiming. He was trusting their Moat Gator. Super trust!
The Angelic Steel ropes binding Lilith helped just a smidge with that trust. After she'd tried to pluck him like a chicken, he sorta had to tie her up. Growing new feathers was a pain, and he'd lost a few before he'd wrestled the rope around her. It never even occurred to him that he should have put his wings away out of plucking range. He blamed the situation on his lack of forethought. Those marbles were tricky bastards, and he was caught off balance by Alastor's commentary.
Lucifer winced as Lilith spat at Charlie. This was what she wanted. She was a bright young woman who could make her own decisions on this. Not that Lucifer wasn't tempted to do some physical damage of his own, but he kept his temper.
Alastor, their wonderful Moat Gator, made comments about being peckish and how he had a craving for chevon. He flashed his teeth and leaned forward protectively over Charlie. Lucifer's temper was tempered by Alastor's threats. He'd allow a few nibbles if things got out of hand. Well, only if Alastor could talk Charlie into letting him take a bite. He was trusting in his daughter's moral compass on this one. Super duper trust.
For once, he was ahead of things when it came to paperwork. That week of no sleep had been beneficial at least. All his ducks were in a row when he sent his decree to Michael. All the proof, the divorce documents, and copies of Lilith's journal were all emailed to his brother. Michael would need those later, since Lilith's little plan had been plotted with accomplices. An Angel of Justice wouldn't put up with this sort of blatant disrespect. Well... maybe he'd be chill for the disrespect against Lucifer and Hell, but the rest of the plotting would be considered a direct challenge to the other archangels and their authority. Not a good look for his sibs, that was certain. He almost.... almost wanted to be there for the fallout, but logically he knew if he was there as a witness to that drama, then some of the proverbial shit would fall on him. He was always a good scapegoat... not the edible kind! No deer would be eating him anytime soon!
Why everyone just assumed that Lucifer was part goat was beyond him. That was Lily! He was part ram, sure, but in the ba ba sense. He was the original Lamb of Dad. His zombie half-brother took over that moniker later, but he'd had the nickname first. Strange, since Zombie-Bro was just some human dude, he didn't even have hooves! Thankfully, Alastor wasn't craving mutton... that would have been a bit awkward.
Lucifers who have a big ass closet, don't really need to be concerned about packing shit in boxes. He could just open a portal and throw stuff through. He kept one cosmic eyeball on the situation happening with Charlie and Lilith, but at the same time, he did a very fast walk-through of the palace. Anything that could remotely be considered Lilith's and things he was fairly certain Charlie wouldn't want to keep got tossed into the golden portal. The mismatched golden dining chairs were being chucked through when a blonde head popped through.
“Uh? Hello?” The smile on the angel's face was a bit strained even before he spotted Lucifer. The smile fell entirely once recognition hit.
“You must be Peter,” Lucifer waved at him. “Just helping the ex move,” Lucifer shoved the dining table through the portal, forcing St. Peter to move out of the way.
“This isn't a garbage dump!” Peter yelled from the other side of the portal as Lucifer tossed the dining room rug through.
“How rude!” Lucifer popped his head through the portal. “I said I was helping her move. I don't have her permanent address, so this is the best I can do!” Lucifer glanced at the pile of odds and ends filling the space in front of St. Peter's podium. “If you want to be helpful, you could have this stuff sent to her place. Do you think she wants the silver?”
Lucifer looked over his shoulder at the china cupboard. Ya, he didn't need it, and the lavender motif wasn't really Charlie's style. He picked up the cupboard and chucked it through the portal.
“Stop that!” Peter yelped.
“Why?” Lucifer glanced at him over the upside-down cupboard. A few things may have broken, but that wasn't his problem. “Do you think I should let her do the packing? It would take forever! Nope, this is more efficient. Anything she doesn't want, she can get rid of.”
“You can't just toss stuff that stinks of Hell at the Gates!”
“Ok, really rude!” Lucifer shook his finger at St. Peter. “How did you get the job of glorified store greeter with an attitude like that?”
“I'm calling Sera!”
“You do that,” Lucifer muttered and contemplated the painting of lilacs on the wall. He'd painted it for Lily in the style of the impressionists, and it was well made if he did say so himself, but it was once again her aesthetic, not really Charlie's. He took it from the wall and tossed it through. Yeet!
Next room! The purple and gray chairs were launched through the portal along with the matching fireplace mantel. There was the sound of a lot of stuff breaking as the purple and gray stone mantel was sent through. Oops. Oh well. HA!
NEXT!
Purple pots with dead plants, her entire purple bathroom suite, the towels, curtains, their marriage bed with all the matching linens were shot through the hole with more force than was probably necessary. His wings ached damn it.
His final destination was the garage. He got into the driver's seat of the 1909 amethyst Rolls Royce Silver Ghost and started the engine. He 'drove' the car through the portal. He may have been channeling a bit of Momma Alastor because he parked it over St. Peter's podium. Lucifer hopped out of the car and looked at the crushed podium. Ha! Their Moat Gator would be proud.
“Uh? Excuse me, but where are we?” A little, old, pink-haired lady asked him as he stepped around the pile of purple debris.
“Oh! Hi!” Lucifer waved at the group of arriving humans. “This is Heaven. The Pearly Gates and all that. Though they aren't very pearly, are they? Why call them Pearly Gates if they are made of gold and not pearl? I'm Lucifer. Sorry for the hold-up. Divorces, right?” He forced a laugh and looked at the mess.
“Oh.” The woman nodded. “That's fine deary, but do you mind if we take a few of those chairs to sit in? These old bones aren't what they used to be.”
“Uh, sure. Let me help!” Lucifer set up the chairs in a messy circle with a wave of his hand. “Once you're admitted, those old bones should firm right up. That's the thing with Heaven, you're not allowed to feel pain.'
“Personally, I never liked that part of it. Pain's a part of living, even if it does suck. It took me a really long time to figure that one out. Ya, much rather have pain than end up an unfeeling shell of a thing... Just recently divorced, you see. Terrible that my marriage fell apart. That's really painful, but I have a kid and I think that makes everything worth it,” He babbled awkwardly.
He took the old lady's elbow and helped lower her into the purple and gray settee. The rest of the arriving humans sat down and looked at Lucifer with mixed reactions. A child of about ten, with an obviously broken leg and wearing a bloody baseball uniform, raised his hand.
“Uh, yes?” Lucifer pointed to the kid.
“Are you Lucifer, the Devil?” The kid asked.
“Sure am! But don't worry,” He hastened to calm the small crowd as the energy of the group became agitated. “I'm here temporarily to drop off my ex-wife's stuff. Not sticking around or anything. Would anyone like tea? Snacks? It's sorta my fault you're all waiting around.” He waved his hand and their dining table, now with a very wobbly leg, materialized in the center of the circle of chairs. A purple teapot filled itself with his best Irish Breakfast blend. An assortment of cookies appeared on cracked and chipped lavender-themed china. The kid and the old lady seemed pleased. Everyone else eyed the food suspiciously. Oh well. Not everyone understood the sacredness of snacks.
“Why aren't you red?” The kid asked.
“You're thinking of Satan. He sorta looks like a big red lizard-dragon? We're different people. There was some confusion in the 1300s or so, and it never did get cleared up.”
“Momma said you were an angel, then God got mad at you, and sent you to the downstairs place. H-E double hockey sticks,” the kid commented, stuffing his face with sugar cookies.
“Uh, still an archangel, technically. See, wings!” Lucifer let out his wings and fluttered them, much to the child's delight. He actually clapped! What a great kid! Even if Lucifer's wings were in a bit of a kerfuffle thanks to the recent plucking. “I also got horns and a tail, but those came after I was sent to Hell.” He showed the child his horns and tail, but was very careful about not setting anything on fire. He quickly put his extra extremities away as they made the rest of the group even more agitated.
“Will I get wings?” The old lady asked.
“Oh! That depends,” Lucifer hummed and considered the question. “You see, angels are different from human souls. Different beings. In Heaven and in Hell, human souls develop the physical traits that correspond with their actions in life. Some souls do end up with wings. Some don't. The really important souls, like saints, do get wings. St. Peter, for example. But most don't. Some end up looking like furries, human animal hybrids. Some people look kinda alien because they are human plant hybrids. Eve's sorta meshed up with a willow. Then there are the ones that take on characteristics of inanimate objects. There's a possibility that your soul could end up taking on the appearance of a... umm... something like a TV? We have a guy like that in Hell. No one really knows why, but I have this theory about cookies...”
“LUCIFER!” The gate slammed open, and a very angry-looking seraphim burst through. St. Peter was right behind her. He fainted when he spotted the Rolls Royce on top of his crushed podium. A daintier version of Sera stepped around him. She pointed to the painting of lilacs that had somehow avoided being smushed.
“How pretty!”
“Opps, nice meeting you all.” Lucifer jumped away and bolted through the portal. “Gotta go!” He waved at the group as Sera tripped over a rug and fell into Lilith's tub. “You can have the painting!”
“LUCIFER!”
“Thank you!” The little angel called while she 'helped' Sera out of the tub. An argument could be made that she made Sera's egress a tad more difficult.
He quickly closed the portal.
Notes:
In the next Chapter, Luci gets sad.
Chapter Text
Chapter 25
Lucifer was sad. It had been a really bad day for him. He'd done his best to stay out of his own thoughts until the time came to actually kick Lilith out. Then the doubt and depression hit him all at once.
After tossing Lilith, yes toss, because he wasn't dumb enough to untie her ropes, he'd watched as Charlie fell to pieces. It was too much. Much too much. He ran away.
Once he realized that he'd run away, he was hit with the shame. He was such a bad dad. No better than his own dad really. A real shit show of a father. His baby was hurting, and he was so caught up in his own emotions that he couldn't help her.
He'd come up with a compromise.
Sorta.
The door to Charlie's bedroom opened and Lucifer uncurled himself enough to pop an eye out of his shell. It was Vaggie. He popped his eye back in and covered himself with his pincher claw.
He could feel Vaggie still standing there. He contemplated coming back out but decided it was too much effort for anyone other than his baby girl. It was not that he didn't like Vaggie; he did. He was just very, very sad.
“Charlie, I think I found him. He's on our bed,” Vaggie said into her bracelet.
“Be right there!” Charlie answered her.
“Dad?” Charlie tapped the top of his shell. He uncurled himself and popped his eyes out. He waved an antenna at her. She looked a mess. Her face was all puffy from crying. He wanted to hug her, but he wasn't worthy of hugs.
“Well, isn't this a fine state?” Alastor mused, leaning over Charlie and peering at Lucifer.
Lucifer gathered his legs under him and scooted across the bed. Once the letter he'd written was in view, he curled back up.
“This for me?” Charlie asked.
“It has your name on it, My Dear.”
Lucifer watched as Charlie opened the envelope and pulled out his letter.
She read it and gave a huge sniff.
“Dammit, I promised I wouldn't cry anymore. My eyes hurt!”
“May I?” Alastor plucked the letter from her limp hand and read it.
“I don't wish to dismiss your emotions, Sire, but this is poppycock.” Alastor waved the letter. “Of course Charlie forgives you. She loves you, you sad excuse for a crustacean.”
“You're not a bad dad, Dad!” Charlie sniffed. “I may not have understood growing up, but I do now! You've always tried your best. Mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility, and you've made wonderful progress with Sharlanda.”
Alastor hummed in agreement. Then he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out Daisy. She wiggled in his hand and flopped onto the bed. She spotted Lucifer and immediately made a beeline.
“Alastor, don't let Daisy eat Dad!” Charlie scolded with a hiccuping laugh.
The little alligator was using his shell as a chew toy, her little tail flicking back and forth happily.
“He has only to revert back to his devilish self if in danger.”
Stupid deer! Stupid, smelly deer! Stupid sweethearted deer! Crabby Lucifer would not be persuaded! He was crabby and sad. How much shell damage could a baby alligator do to a Devil Crab anyway? The scraping of teeth on the shell was very annoying, but he was crabby! Dangit.
“If you don't mind, I will take custody of our wayward crustacean. You need to take a moment to rest, My Dear. A nice bath perhaps, and a pair of warm arms to lull you into rest.”
Better be Vaggie's arms. All other arms would get pinched.
“I have to set up the interview, and someone really should call my aunts and uncles. On top of that, my phone has been blowing up with calls from the Goetia. They certainly aren't happy.”
“All can be sorted once you've had your rest. You will look upon tomorrow with a brighter outlook after you've taken some time to process and settle.”
“He's right, Hun. Hand over the phone and go take a bath.”
“But...”
“No buts.”
No coconuts. Let the Goetia suck eggs. Lucifer already texted the Sins. Their group chat was full of drama these days.
“I am going to pick you up,” Alastor stated to Lucifer. Lucifer flexed his claw at him. Try it, deerboy! He was here for his baby!
“Thank you, Al.” Charlie picked him up. His legs scrambled in the air until he pulled himself back into his shell. He felt her place him into Alastor's hands. Perfect, his fingers were within claw reach. Pinchy pinchy!
“When you're feeling better we can talk, ok?” Charlie said. “But I think Al is right, I need some sleep. My head and face both hurt.”
Oh. Ok. That was ok. Really. Charlie was the only reason he wasn't hiding in a hole somewhere. If she needed space, he'd gladly give it to her.
Stupid deer may have avoided the pinchy pinchy this time, but there would be other opportunities.
Lucifer couldn't see where he'd been placed, but after a bit, he unfurled and looked around. Only to be eyeball to X eyes with Poppet Husker. Alastor had opened the roll-top desk and placed Crabby Lucifer in the middle of a poppet party. Lulu Duck had somehow found itself pressed up against Charlie Poppet. It really wasn't surprising. Charlie, even as a poppet, was the bestest ever. Smart of Lulu Duck to find and cuddle the bestest ever daughter-shaped thing. Crabby Lucifer scooted closer to join him on the other side. Cuddles.
Under normal circumstances Lucifer would be pleased as punch to get an opportunity to play with Alastor's poppets, but not today. Today he was sad and crabby.
Alastor sat down in the desk chair and placed a photograph in front of Lucifer. It was the same one he kept on his mantle. The one with the pretty lady and the young man holding a diploma.
“This is my mother, Vesper. The Evening Star. I've always found it amusing that the son of the Evening Star found himself entangled with the Morningstars. Though she didn't go by Vesper, she went by Vetti.'
“She was an amazing woman.” Alastor stroked the edge of the silver picture frame.
“I've never told you why I find Charlie so like her, have I?”
Lucifer had just assumed it was because his mother had been beautiful, kind, and sweet. If she was like Charlie, she had to be the bestest momma to ever momma. Driving skills aside.
“She was a good Baptist woman determined to save people, but not in the religious sense. She was always trying to save people from their circumstances.'
“I don't recall my father much. He was white and couldn't legally marry Maman, but he did his best, so I'm told. He contracted consumption and lived separately from us so that we wouldn't fall ill. There likely were other, more race-related reasons for living apart, but consumption was a very good reason to give a child. His people put him up in a sanitarium, it was that which killed him as the flu swept through that particular facility with a mighty vengeance.'
“Luckily for us, he had a rather decent life insurance policy. Maman used the funds to buy a little plot of land that had peach trees. Some of the best peaches west of the Mississippi. Selling peaches was a good cover for her shine running.'
“You see, Maman was an excellent distiller. Her peach shine was very popular and quite profitable. Even before the prohibition, she was known for her hooch. During prohibition... well, she had enough tea on all the local muckity mucks to keep herself out of legal trouble. No one wanted to shut down Vetti's operation.'
“And you see, it was at this point that she began her rescue endeavors.” Alastor paused, he closed his eyes and shook his head his face softening in remembrance.
“It began in church. Mrs. Langdon always had more bruises than was natural. After the second miscarriage, she went searching for help and found it in my mother. Maman took the woman in, showed her the business, then set her up in Shreveport. Her first saved soul.'
“The next was a 14-year-old girl who'd undergone an outrage by the local dentist. To try and quiet the scandal, the girl was married to the man. A babe was born shortly thereafter.” Alastor shifted in his chair and loosened his bow tie.
“She stayed with us for just a short time, as her family and the law were seeking her return. We were of an age, and she had a rather obvious crush on yours truly before her unfortunate circumstance. She went to stay with Mrs. Langdon.'
“Not quite a month later, I was hunting in the swamps. I spotted the bastard. Something overtook me, you understand. It was almost as if it wasn't my own hands that brought the rifle up and fired that shot. 15, I was 15 when I first killed a man.'
“My first kill was unplanned, a whim. I didn't have any thoughts of bodily disposal or hiding the crime. I was terrified of the law finding out, and of being lynched.”
Why was Alastor telling him this? It wasn't as if Lucifer hadn't known their Moat Gator was a killer. A gleefully prolific one.
“When the body was found, you'll never guess what was discovered. The dentist had been out there burying his own dead corpse. 4 years prior, a female child of 12 had disappeared. Everyone assumed she'd wandered into the swamp and met her fate. The truth was darker. The dentist had been keeping the girl in his basement, a hidden apartment. When his legal wife disappeared, he took his anger out on this other girl and killed her. Then I came along and shot him, exposing his misdeeds.'
“No one ever really questioned why the dentist ended up shot in the woods. The coppers just wrote it off as a 'hunting mishap'.'
“I think Maman suspected, especially when the husbands of her ladies would find themselves disappeared on a regular basis,” Alastor sighed and glanced at Lucifer. “My point is that Charlie is very much the same sort of person. She knows I'm no angel, but she cares for me regardless.'
“She loves you. She may get exasperated with your antics, but she loves you. Far more than I believe you notice. It's not some ideal version of the angelic you either. She sees your warts, your depressive episodes, and she loves you anyway. She can see your heart, and for her, that is more than enough. This bump in the road will be driven over and you'll be happily careening through life in no time.”
Crabby Lucifers could not cry. That was the point of Crabby Lucifer. Instead, he carefully pinched the hem of Alastor's sleeve. Good deer.
Alastor tapped the top of Lucifer's shell and hummed a comforting tune.
Notes:
I'm all caught up with my writing. I've been working on another 'special' That will 100% be posted on the 24th. Once again, this story will be posted both within the main story and separately outside of it. That short story is finished, and now that it is, I can get back to working on the main. I have 1/2 of chapter 26 done and it features our favorite unhinged Karen owl. Though she's not actually named. I'm using her as a stepping stone to lead into the next phase of the story. Which, as some of you may guess, is the duality of the leadership roles of Hell. I've been leaving little clues throughout the story about how Hell functions, but you're going to end up with a more in-depth explanation in the next few chapters. Some of it is cannon, some of it is just made up by me! lol. Anyway, this chapter marks the end of the first arc in the story. The next one will be Alastor and Luci actually working on getting together. I do hope you like the little backstory I gave Alastor and 'Momma Alastor'. I thought it fit in with how he treats Charlie and why he's so devoted to her and her cause, even if he does think it foolish. It's a much different backstory than the one I gave him in Feed the Hart, so if you've read that one, this is 100% different. Which honestly supports my more emotionally aware Alastor. I do like reading (and writing lol) an Alastor that has no clue about emotions and relationships, but honestly, I've always sort of thought that he's a bit too wily a character NOT to have some emotional understanding. He understands people on a deep level, and that makes them more easily manipulable. If he chooses to manipulate, that is. In this case, he has all the understanding, but likes the hotel and Charlie so much that he chooses to be decent. He can be a complete asshat outside of the confines of the hotel, so yay!
Chapter 27: Silly Lucifer and the Pan Mystery Special
Summary:
Happy Pansexual Awareness Day! LOL Angel and Luci do some sleuthing!
Notes:
This is a short story meant to be a palate cleanser after the events of the last few chapters. I've posted it within this work and outside of it bc it can be read as a standalone.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Silly Lucifer and the Pan Mystery Special
“Morning, Sunflower!” Lucifer stepped into the kitchen and found his baby girl attempting to cook. He'd scented the smoke, and his Dad senses were tingling. With a wave of his hand, the offending cloud vanished. Shoo smoke shoo.
Charlie sighed and looked down at the pan of... whatever it was. She was so creative! Then she shook her head and dumped the red skillet into the sink. Contents and all. Wait... Red skillet?
“Thanks, Dad.” She flicked on the water, and splattering steam hit the skillet, cooling it. We would not tell Alastor. Nope.
“Uh, Sweetie... you do know that the red ones are Al's specialized pans. For his um... special meals...” Far be it for Lucifer to be a judgey-mc-judgey-pants. If his little girl wanted to traipse into the more eclectic side of Hell's culinary culture, he'd be supportive as duck!
“Oh, I know, but all the other pans are missing.” She sighed and opened a cupboard, pulling a cereal bar out of a colorful blue and yellow box.
“Missing?”
“I can't find any of them. Even the cupcake tins are gone! Alastor's pans are the only ones left.”
“Maybe Niffty is cleaning? Did she move them?”
“Oh!” Charlie stood up from leaning on the counter. “I hadn't thought of that! That's a much nicer explanation than the one I was...”
Lucifer stepped forward and gently plucked the cereal bar out of her hand. No baby girl of his would settle for less than the bestest breakfast! Besides, those were his snacks. Snacks were sacred, and while he was willing to share with his little culinary explorer, if he didn't have to...
“Why don't you go find her and ask? In the meantime, I'll make a mess of the best dadtastic pancakes ever!”
Charlie gave him her best sunny smile and hugged him. “Thank you so much, Dad, but the pans...”
Lucifer waved his hand, and all the pans from the palace fell all over the floor in a cacophony of noise that could herald the Rapture. A bunt pan rolled by. Oops.
“Uh, I'll wash them before I use them. Promise!”
Charlie laughed and began to help him pick up the mess neatly stacking their new...old cookery into the counter.
Lucifer's was just coming back from doing his actual job, ruling this shit show, when he ran into an obviously upset Angel Dust. Literally ran into him. Face into fluff. Whump! How nice! Yay!
“Short King!” Angel grabbed his elbows and kept him steady as he pulled away from the fluff. So sad. Fluffy was the true king, and Lucifer would die on that hill. “You'll neva! The audacity! The GALL!” Angel worked himself up and began to pace in front of the hotel's double doors.
“Uh, hey Angel. Is something wrong?” Lucifer could sense that something might be up with the spider. He was super intuitive that way.
“Is something wrong! Someone stole my pasta pot, and Vaggie had the nerve to say I should just... just... UGHHH!!!” He threw up his hands and used some very colorful language that shouldn't be repeated in front of Italian children.
Vaggie turned the corner just then, holding up a box of spaghetti.
“Angel, how long do I cook this?”
“You don't! The pasta pot is missing!”
“Charlie found other pots...”
Angel growled. Growled. Hooo boooy. De-escalation station, here we come!
“Vaggie,” Lucifer tossed her his phone. “Have Charlie order subs tonight. I'll handle the pot problem later.”
She looked down at Lucifer's phone and back at the agitated pacing spider and nodded.
Lucifer took Angel's elbow, one of the six that had popped out and were gesturing wildly, and pulled him outside. Something was very wrong, as Angel hardly ever had all six arms out.
“Italian!” Angel called back into the hotel after a retreating Vaggie.
She waved the box of spaghetti over her head in acknowledgment.
Angel and Lucifer took a light stroll,it was more of a jog for Lucifer since Angle was walking super fast and had longer legs, around the hotel, twice, before he was able to tell Lucifer what that argument had been all about.
“She wanted to break it to get it to fit! To FIT! If she'd slapped me, I'd have taken it better.”
“I don't follow Angel. I brought all the pans from the palace over this morning. I'm certain I washed one that would be big enough for pasta.” He knew he had. It was huge and copper, and he'd splashed water all over the floor washing it.
“They went missin' this afternoon! Charlie and Vaggie went to the store to buy new pans, and they were sold out! They went to a few places too. Not a skillet to be seen. They found a few used things at Badwill, but the pot they have is meant for warmin' cans of soup! Soup, Luce! Can you believe they wanted to cook spaghetti in a small ramen pot?! Not to mention how many times you'd have to boil pasta just to be able to have enough to feed everyone! It was a tragedy!” Angel grabbed Lucifer by the shoulders and shook him just a tiny bit. Poor spider was Italian-distressed. It was a specialized sort of distressed that featured lots of hand waving, dramatic gestures, oaths against other people's upbringing, and questions about their momma's virtue. Lucifer didn't hold it against him.
“The pans are missing again? Niffty didn't move them?”
“Nah, she said it wasn't her. Charlie's worried one of the new guys is a klepto. She was goin' on and on about impulse control and how it's an addiction! It was ma turn to cook, but Luce! I can't BREAK pasta! It's against ma religion!”
Lucifer was fairly certain that pasta breaking wasn't in fact a sin, but he had been out of the loop for a while. He'd make a note to ask Satan. There had been other new sins added recently so it was hard to tell. Don't wear white to weddings. Always put your shopping cart back. Don't send dick pics. Newer sins, so he forgave himself for not knowing about the pasta breaking. See! Therapy worked!
“So someone took the pans again. That is weird. Who steals pans? I mean, they're not valuable. Well, not anymore... I don't think? You used to be able to cut off people's hands for stealing your iron cauldron.”
“Speak for yaself, a good pasta pot is sacred. I'm feelin' very chop choppy right now.” He mimed slicing off a hand. Well, he had five more... no, that's not the point.
Sacred... Like snacks were sacred. Oh. OH! Lucifer suddenly understood Angel's point. No wonder breaking pasta was a sin! No one messed with the sacred! No siree bub! Pasta pots were next to Dadliness! SACRED!!! Lucifer's tail and horns sprouted, and he felt a tiny bit of fire bubble in his guts.
“Angel!” Lucifer shouted, startling the spider. He grabbed his lower arms and did his best to give the bestest eye contact without flaming him. Silly spider was so tall! “We should do a stakeout!”
“Cagney & Lacey shit?” The spider grinned. “I'm in!”
“Shhhhh!”
“No, you SHHHHH!” Angel griped. They were both peering around the corner, watching the kitchen door. Finally, someone had entered.
The plan was simple. Stack the pots in an enticing-looking tower and leave them on the counter. Whoever walked in and carried the pots out was the culprit.
Sinner No. 1 had not taken anything, and Sinner No. 2 had just come out with coffee. It was getting late, and they were both hopeful about Sinner No. 3. She looked like the shady sort.
“Alastor said she took the pen off the concierge desk,” Lucifer told Angel.
“I don't know Short King, a pen is a lot different from a pot.”
“Alastor was miffed about it.”
“When doesn't he have his panties in a twist?”
Sinner No. 3 came out in a huff. With nothing. Even though she passed right by Angel and Lucifer's hiding spot, she was busy typing something on her phone and completely missed them.
“She seemed ticked off about somethin',” Angel muttered.
She had seemed upset.
Angel's phone buzzed.
He pulled it out and glanced at it.
“Well shit...” Angel sighed, standing up. “It's the hotel group text.” He turned the screen so Lucifer could see it.
Whoever keeps taking the pans needs to cut it the fuck off.
“I think she meant either cut it the fuck out or to fuck off... either way... this is a bust.”
Both Lucifer and Angel walked into the kitchen... and all the pots and pans were missing.
“So it had to be Sinner No. 2?” Lucifer asked.
“Huh?” Angel turned to look down at Lucifer. “Short King, far be it for me to comment on nicknames, but ya really shouldn't call people by number. That was JJ.”
“I thought JJ was the lion guy?”
“That is Jasper-James, have you been callin' him JJ?”
“Uhhh....” Lucifer vowed to try harder with the names. Super hard. Super duper hard! He pulled out his phone and changed the name under the picture of the lion.
“Oh, you've made a picture directory for names. Not bad, lemme see.” Angel held out his hand, and Lucifer passed his phone over.
“These pics are taken from a distance...”
“I didn't want anyone knowing that I'm having problems with the names...” Lucifer admitted. It was embarrassing, ok!
“Luce, we all know you have problems with names. Nothin' new. You've got most of these right, by the way. Sindra isn't Kitten. That's just what I call her. Uh, and while Abernathy is his real name, he goes by Nate. Only Alastor keeps calling him Abernathy. You're missin' a few people...”
“Oh!” Lucifer looked over Angel's shoulder as he corrected his pictures. Then, for people he didn't have pictures of, Angel transferred over photos from their various social media accounts.
“You do such a good job keeping track of everyone,” Lucifer complimented.
“I ain't the Unofficial Social Events Coordinator for nothin'!” Angel beamed at Lucifer and added a few more names to the phone. Maybe they should work on making that more official. While Angel's work at the club took most of his time, he was often helping Charlie plan social events for the members of the hotel as well, mostly outings to other clubs.
“So, let's talk to JJ.” Angel handed over Lucifer's phone.
“JJ. Right... Why are we talking to JJ?”
“Because we need to know if JJ spotted the pots on the counter. So far, they're our most likely suspect.”
“But he didn't carry anything out.” Did this JJ have a kangaroo pouch? He was some sort of marsupial sinner, but it was an oddball mix, and didn't only the ladies have pouches? Wait...was JJ a lady? Oh dear! Had Lucifer been mixing up pronouns? That was worse than mixing up names!
“Maybe JJ tossed them out the window and circled around to get them out of the garden. You neva know. The bunch here at the hotel aren't what you'd call completely stable.” Angel tapped his noggin for emphasis.
“Right. Ok! Let's go!” Lucifer set off to find this JJ.
“Hold up!” Angel grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, halting his forward march. “It's late, and he's probably sleeping. We'll ask him in the AM. Ok?”
“Oh. Ok! Can do!” Lucifer gave Angel two thumbs up.
“I feel so seen!!!” The marsupial sobbed onto Lucifer's shoulder. Charlie and Angel were cooing over JJ and handing tissues to everyone.
“JJ, we're always here to help. You can talk to any of us without judgment. This is a judgment-free zone!” Charlie said, pulling wads of tissues out of the box.
“No judgey here!” Lucifer added. He'd accidentally fumbled his way into getting the recalcitrant sinner to really open the personal flood gates as it were... so go him? Sorta? All he'd done was given a very sincere apology for using the wrong pronouns and asked politely what JJ wished to be addressed by.
“I thought you didn't even know my name! I mean, you don't know anyone, but you...” Huge sniff, “You see me! WAIIIIIIIII!” JJ, now officially a she, clung to Lucifer and cried. Apparently, she was a she, but had been in the closet about it since she lived and died in an era that wasn't very tolerant of the duality of nature.
“Oh, JJ, this is a safe space!” Charlie, who'd been vibrating with the emotional outpouring, joined in the hugging. Tissues scattered everywhere.
“This can be fun!” Angel commented, passing out more tissues. So many tissues! “I can teach ya what looks best on your frame. Ohhh, and I always love a good excuse to go shoppin'.”
“When you feel ready, we can talk about transitioning,” Lucifer added. “I was originally a sexless being, so I understand just how fluid gender is. We need to make sure you're psychologically prepared if you do decide to change, so real therapy will be necessary. You understand?”
Sniff, sniff. Then JJ shook their head. “I'm scared.”
“Understandable!” Charlie hugged her again. “That's why we can wait until you are ready. Dad can set up the transitioning sigil. I've been wanting to learn that particular spell, so this is a great learning opportunity for everyone!”
“Oooorrrr,” Lucifer added, giving a I'm-Sorry-Side-Eye to Charlie.“I can just poof you female without you having to go through the change. Puberty is a bitch the first time, let along having to go through the hormonal and physical changes twice. However, there are merits to taking things at a slower pace. A fast change isn't always the best option.”
“Wait, wait, wait! Slow down!” Angel held out his hands. “Yous saying there's a spell that can change a person's gender?”
““Yes?”” Both Charlie and Lucifer answered. “But I don't know it,” Charlie added.
“THIS IS HUGE!” Angel jumped up and began to circle the couch. Then he pointed between the both of them. “This is just like the passport thing. Magical shit that the rest of us need to know about! THAT'S IT! We're makin' a list! What are the dumb problems that have already been solved by magic, and we poor sinners weren't told about?!” Angel yelled.
“Oh, I like lists!” Charlie smiled, and she pulled out her little notebook from her pocket. It was covered in unicorns, rainbows, and little thumb-sized stickers of her and Vaggie at LuLu World.
“I wouldn't say that transitioning is a dumb problem, Angel, that seems a bit rude...” Lucifer said, glancing at JJ.
“It's a hard problem that can be fixed in a dumb way! Dumb STUPID Magic SHIT!” Angel shouted. “Imma so sick of magic shit!” Angel spun around and pointed again. All the pointing was beginning to feel personal.
“You, can you fix this pot thing with magic shit? Could ya just poof me up a pasta pot?”
“Uh, yes and no?” Lucifer tilted his head. “I can make new pots easily enough, but I can't stop them from disappearing. And my magically made pots might not be as good since I don't know everything about pot making. Heat conductivity has come a long way since the good old-fashioned cast iron. I'd have to research how a really good pot is made... which, if I'm being honest, isn't something I'm all that interested in...” Lucifer admitted.
“So we can cross pots of our list of dumb shit... good to know,” Angel grumbled and sat down crossing his arms.
Charlie wrote Disappearing Pots on her Helpful Magical Solutions list, then dutifully crossed it out.
Angel was miffed, that was for certain, but he wasn't one to stay distressed for long. He was glad he now had a new shopping buddy.
None of that solved their problem. Lucifer did make some subpar cookware, fully knowing it would just walk away, but at least they were able to make dinner that night. Spaghetti, to appease Angel, and Lucifer made very certain to watch the 'correct' way of doing it so as to not add another sin onto his tally of multiples. Once an angel, always an angel, so to speak. He didn't like doing bad things when he could avoid them.
“Understand that nothin' absolutely nothin' beats an Italian Nonna's cookin', but we can try.”
“I understand the sentiment, even if I don't agree with the actual statement,” Alastor leaned on the counter and eyed the sauce Angel was making. “My mother was the best cook.”
“Differentin' cultures, I guess,” Angel shrugged. “Ok, so nothin' beats Nonna's Pasta?”
“Ah, a much clearer and more precise statement,” Alastor nodded. “My own mother had the best recipe for peach cobbler. I understand that peaches aren't native to the Mediterranean.”
“They aren't native to the States either, Alastor,” Lucifer corrected. “They came from Asia. So Italy likely had peaches before the Americas.”
“Huh,” Angel looked at Lucifer. “I didn't know that, but I'm from New York, yous guys. My Nonna may have rubbed off on me; she was from the home country, but I am American. I'm proud of my roots, but the blossom bloomed in a different place.”
Lucifer tilted his head, “Was that another sex euphemism?”
“No, now get the butta out for garlic bread.”
“I shall leave you chums to it then, shall I?” Alastor stood up from the counter and picked up his Oh Deer mug. “Someone has to man the desk. It's prime complaint time!”
“Yous threatenin' to eat anyone who doesn't have a real problem has cut back on the complainin'.”
“To true, we haven't had a Karen in weeks!” Alastor seemed proud of himself for using the newest vernacular. His ears twitched happily.
Angel laughed, “No Karen's should be a rule, but Charlie said she didn't want to exclude anyone named Karen by makin' them feel bad.”
“No entitled complaining complainy pants!” Lucifer hummed as he poked at the boiling pasta. Angel smacked his hand.
“Leave that alone.”
“We could use a sign...” Alastor raised his eyebrows at Lucifer.
“OHHH!! I Love SIGNS! I'm on it!” Lucifer ran off to make the best No Karen's Allowed sign ever, without actually using the name Karen because that would upset Charlie.
Moat Gator on Duty.
He is the manager.
Complain at your own risk.
Reasonable requests welcome.
Underneath, Lucifer painted a wonderful picture of Alastor eating a woman with a very distinctive haircut. He made a little speech bubble that had her screaming, 'I want to speak to the manager!'.
“WHAT THE HELL!” Angel yelled from the kitchen.
Lucifer finished hanging the sign on the desk and ran to find out what was wrong.
“They's GONE!” Angel yelled, pointing down at the cupboard. “Only ones left are the ones I cooked in!”
“You've got to be kidding!” Lucifer stood next to Angel and viewed the empty cupboard. All the pans and pots were missing...again. “I just made those!”
“I was here the whole time!”
“You didn't step out?” Lucifer asked.
“No!”
Huh... it was almost like they...
“STUPID MAGIC SHIT!” Angel slammed the cupboard.
Right... magic.
“You're right. It has to be magic,” Lucifer nodded. “That makes this trickier.”
“That narrows down the suspects to... four?” Angel said, taking a deep breath and letting it out.
“No, I'd say it expands it quite a bit. Since it's magical theft, they don't necessarily have to be in the hotel in order to take the pots. They just need to be able to open a portal and grab them.”
“Well, shit,” Angel leaned against the counter. “That means we're fucked doesn't it?”
“Pretty much. I could try a tracking spell, but if a person knows enough magic to make a portal, they'll be able to spot a tracking spell easily.”
Angel frowned, then smacked his forehead with his hand. “Are you saying that if you put a spell on the pot, then the thief won't steal it?”
“I … uh... guess I am?” Oops. Ok, so maybe not his brightest moment.
“I'll put spells on all the new pots! I promise! The first one to get spelled up will be your pasta pot!” Lucifer held up his hands appealingly towards Angel. Please don't be mad. Please don't be Italian-distressed. Pretty Please!
“I'm not mad, Luce,” Angel sighed again and dropped his hand. “We've been trying to catch a thief instead of trying to prevent the theft in the first place. Mistakes were made by everyone in this case.”
Angel being nice about it made Lucifer feel even more dumb for not thinking and just going straight into detective mode. He'd known that TV rotted the brain; here was proof. No more Detective Law and Justice for him! 100% TV free from now on.
“Short King, what the hell is Italian-distressed?”
“Uhhhhh... OH LOOK! Table's not set, should get on that. YA! Here I go!”
“LUCE, that betta not be disparagin' ma people!”
Lucifer was smart this time. He ran away.
“What's going on?” Lucifer came down the stairs for breakfast the next morning, only to find everyone in the hotel lined up outside in the hall.
“We're not sure?” Charlie said.
“Alastor's put a barrier or something up. No one can get into the lounge or the front hall,” Vaggie added. She moved her fist and hit the open doorway. A shimmer of black shadow showed before it settled down to become nearly invisible.
“We don't know for sure it's Al,” Charlie said somewhat reluctantly.
“Oh, come on, toots. It has to be tall, dark, and creepy. He's the only shadow guy in the hotel,” Angel stated, tapping on the barrier. “Hey Red! Let us in!”
“Did you knock?” Alastor materialized beside Angel, making both him and Charlie jump.
“Ya, I did! What the hell, Smiles?”
“Uh, Al, did you do this?” She waved at the barrier.
“Why yes, I did!” His smile became even bigger, and his ears were twitching from how excited he was. “It's a surprise after all! No spoilers, as they say!”
“Oh! OK! I love surprises!” Charlie instantly forgave him.
“This surprise is a bit specific, My Dear. It's for your father,” Alastor glanced up and met Lucifer's eyes. “I didn't trust the lot of you not to spoil the festivities, so I locked you out, but now that we are all present, let us enjoy the party!”
“YAY PARTY!” Niffty ran past and smacked right into the barrier. “YAY PAIN!”
Alastor laughed delighted, and waved his hand, collapsing the shadow barrier.
“Lucifer first!” His shadows pulled Lucifer to the front. “I do hope you enjoy it!”
“It's not your birthday? Is it, Dad?” Charlie asked, stepping up beside him.
“No, I don't really have a birthday, sweetie, you know that.”
“Ya, but I thought maybe you decided to have a specific date after all.”
“Nope.”
“Uh, ok.”
“Enough guessing, go on!” Alastor stepped behind them and herded them both into the front of the hotel...
“Oh My God,” Charlie whispered.
“SONNVA!” Angel yelled and stormed off to pull a dingy silver pot from where hundreds of pots and pans were dangling from the ceiling.
HAPPY PAN APPRECIATION DAY! Read the red and white banner.
“I made cookies!” Alastor held out a tray of skillet-shaped cookies with little icing bacon and eggs drawn on them.
Lucifer took one without thinking.
It was a pan party... for him... Lucifer snorted. Ok, so it wasn't the first time he'd heard the stupid joke. You're attracted to pans, hahaha. It was a stupid joke, a dumb joke, just the type of joke both he and Alastor enjoyed. Considering how much effort and subterfuge went into this joke, Lucifer could appreciate the heckin' heck out of it.
“Thank you,” Lucifer said sincerely, making the back of Alastor's jacket wiggle. He was so pleased with himself that he'd lost control of his happy little tail. There was a reason they'd become friends.
“NEVA TOUCH MY PASTA POT AGAIN!”
“Your name wasn't on it!”
“I'll put my name on ya ass!” Angel yelled and swung the pot at Alastor, who dodged it nimbly and laughed. One of his tentacles shoved a cookie into Angle's mouth as he dodged a second swing.
“Hey, these is good!” Angel bit into the cookie and stopped trying to commit murder via pasta pot.
“Of course they are! Happy Pan Day!” Alastor passed cookies out to everyone. I have an entire itinerary of pan-themed party celebrations! First to find the oldest pan wins the first slice of cake!”
“Cake?” Charlie gasped and clapped. “I love cake!”
Lucifer gave Alastor the stink-eye as everyone scattered to find the oldest pan.
“Let me guess, you made pancakes...”
“Why of course! Not my forte, but I must say I gave a valiant attempt!”
Niffty came back with a 13th--century cauldron. It was bigger than she was. Where in the literal Hell did Alastor find that?
“I'm sorry, Niffty, but that isn't the oldest pan here,” Alastor bent down to examine her find.
Once she ran off again, Lucifer sidled up to Alastor. “They aren't going to find the oldest pan out there, are they?” Lucifer waved his hands at the hanging cookware.
“Nooopppppeee,” Alastor, his eyes flashing with humor, popped his Ps heavily. Then he cackled like the mad deer he was.
“You ass, I'm not old!”
“Lucifer wins!” Alastor shouted as he dodged a kick aimed at his shin.
Notes:
Next week will begin the second part of Something Very Silly.
Chapter 28
Summary:
Our favorite Karen owl shows up. And a bit more detail on how I imagine Hell is structured. Some of it is cannon, most of it is not.
Notes:
Note: There is a saying I grew up hearing. Going to Hell on a Runaway Horse Cart. It meant you were doing on a fast track to Hell. Doing deeds that were sinful and being unrepentant about it.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 26
Super surprise pancake time! His baby needed feeding, and there was nothing like a huge, massive stack of pancakes to help a sad daughter feel a little better. Was it healthy to eat away your emotions? Sharlanda would have something to say about it certainly, but heck, he was sad and Char was sad. So SUPER PANCAKE STACK! How high could it go?
Being a hermit crab made cooking difficult, but he had a willing helper.
Echo looked odd coated in flour, but it was doing a wonderful job following Lucifer's instructions. Who knew that shadow thingies could speak hermit crab? Super sweet shadow! 100% on Lucifer's team!
“Sire, I would request that if you are to commandeer my shadow, then inform me first.” Alastor stepped into the kitchen and shook his head. “Niffty found herself stuck in the plumbing again, poor dear.”
Echo waved the spatula at Alastor and said something in silent-shadowese. It was mostly static pops. Angels could 'hear' shadows when they made 'sound', but the language was a bit iffy. Lucifer wondered if there was a correspondence course for shadow language. Jeremy make a note.
“Why yes, that would be acceptable,” Alastor agreed. He stepped into the pantry and brought out the syrup and butter. He also had bacon and eggs. Seemed their Moat Gator missed his typical early breakfast. Niffty must have been really stuck. Having tentacles was handy for plumbing mishaps, but that didn't mean there wasn't hard work involved.
Alastor hummed as he cracked eggs and layered bacon into a skillet. Lucifer scooted across the counter to get a better view. Alastor's hands were hypnotic, so graceful and easy to watch. He really liked how long his fingers were. So thin and slim and dexterous. Hands that had been made to play instruments. Beautiful. Silly hardworking deer was so cute, fluffy, and graceful...
“Caution, Sire, we don't want crab cakes for brunch.”
No, no, they didn't. Lucifer moved away from the stove and the sizzling pan.
He was over being crabby, but he was still rather sad. Two days wasn't enough to get over that sort of sadness, but it did help that Alastor let him sleep in the comfy nest with him, and allowed Lucifer poppet play time. A few ducks had made their way over to the roll top desk, and Lucifer distracted himself by playing with everyone.
But he missed hugs. It was time to stop being crabby, but if he wasn't crabby, would Alastor let him play with the poppets? It was a conundrum. Especially since Sharlanda, Lulu Duck, and Lucifer had made some good progress this morning. Being able to hold Poppet Charlie while he confronted the ugly side of his emotions really helped a lot. He was reluctant to give that up, but he really was tired of being crabby.
He could just ask... But considering the tissy fit Alastor had last time someone wanted to ask about his poppets... They'd had to replace the wall, again. Poor wall. RIP.
He also had to have hands to work his email. By now, his brother must have messaged back. He had work that needed doing, and his emotional state wasn't going to allow it to be put on hold indefinitely. Charlie had made some calls, but Vaggie was being very firm that the family needed some 'healing time'. So her phone got put in a lock box. Alastor had manned the hotel phone for most of the last two days. Anyone calling to ask about anything other than staying at the hotel received an earful of screeching feedback.
It was time. Blast and damn. Ok, deep breath. Alastor would let him play with Poppet Charlie... Well, it might be better to play first and ask forgiveness later. HA!
Just when Lucifer was about to talk himself into being his charmingly devilish self, Alastor abruptly shut off the stove and placed his spatula on the counter. His ears were swiveling back and forth, and his static was getting more... staticy. Echo made a 'what the heck' gesture, pointing at his half-cooked pancake. Silly deer had turned off all the burners. They couldn't have a pancake party without pancakes!
“We have a situation at the door, Sire. Off we go.” Alastor picked up Lucifer, weeeee, and placed him in the pocket opposite of sleeping Daisy. Lucifer was really beginning to like pocket time. Alastor's pockets were roomy, soft, and safe. Another thing he'd miss not being Crabby Lucifer. Pocket time or hugs.... ugg the dilemma.
Lucifer popped his eyes out over the pocket so he could see what was happening. He gripped the edge of the fabric to hold himself in place. Gently. He'd been scolded once for putting a tiny hole in Alastor's coat. Pinchy pinchy could get a bit destructive if he wasn't careful.
“Of course I'm staying. Don't be absurd.” A Goetia woman was arguing with Vaggie at the door. Alastor took his place beside the concierge desk and waited until Vaggie handled the problem or until she needed assistance. The woman was Goetia and likely had a decent amount of magical umpf if she chose to use it. Vaggie wasn't a lightweight physically, but she was weak against magical attacks.
“Ma'am, you are not a sinner; we are not a normal hotel. Reservations are needed for people who aren't sinners.”
“Of course I'm not a sinner. Dirty things. However, I am here to stay. I told you, mother-daughter time is important when beginning new relationships.”
“Perhaps I've misunderstood something,” Vaggie said, pinching the bridge of her sinuses. Lucifer had thought the argument had just begun, but judging from Vaggie's actions, this may have been going on for a while. Poor Vaggie, she was hard working too.
“It's not difficult to understand. It's very simple.” The woman rolled her eyes and clicked her beak.
“So you have a daughter staying at this hotel, and you want to move in to be with her?”
“Correct. Not as dumb as you seem.” The Goetia sneered. “Though I'd also like to meet my fiance. I'm told he's been staying here as well.”
“Fiance...” Vaggie shook her head. “I'm sorry, but you must be misinformed. No one here is engaged.”
“Like you would know,” the woman sniffed. “Take my bags up to your best room, and let your betters handle the politics.”
Huh, Lucifer wondered if the woman was a bit coo coo bananas. She seemed so certain that she was right, even though she was wrong. She was wrong, right? Vaggie or Alastor would probably know if one of the new residents was engaged to a Goetia. Wait... something about that didn't track. This woman didn't seem the type to be skipping over the standard hierarchy willy-nilly. No judgment if she did, but she didn't seem the type. Vaggie was right, this was likely a mistake.
“Vags found a Karen in the wild, eh?” Angel stepped up beside Alastor and leaned on the desk, and showed off his chest fluff to the best advantage. He glanced over at Husk, making sure the bartender was looking. They weren't obvious at all. Nope. Just kiss already...geeze.
“You! Bellhop! Take my bags,” the woman sidestepped Vaggie, holding her hand up to Vaggie's face to stop the beginning of another argument, and stepped up to the desk.
“Hoo booy,” Angel whistled through his teeth. “Not smart, Lady.”
Lucifer agreed with Angel. He'd called Alastor a bellhop once, and it had started a song battle. He won! But he'd been made to regret that choice of words when he'd 'lost' their bet. Stupid pink uniform.
If he'd learned one thing about the surly deer, it was that he didn't like to be looked down on. Underestimation tended to bite you in the rear when it came to their Moat Gator. The Radio Demon was cranky even on his best days. 'Not smart, Lady', indeed. Lucifer was looking forward to the reaction. If he wasn't crabby, he'd have made popcorn. Could crabs eat popcorn? Lucifer considered manifesting a single bit of popped corn into Alastor's pocket, when their Moat Gator decided to use his sneaky charm.
“Of course, Madam. Allow me to see to your luggage,” Alastor answered with his signature grin, but Lucifer noticed, being in his pocket, that Alastor didn't bow to the Goetia. The woman noticed too, and began to mutter about no one having manners anymore. Their deer was the best-mannered deer in Hell! Lucifer wondered if Alastor would toss him at her. Pinchy Pinchy. Oh, oops. Lucifer quickly fixed the small hole he'd put in Alastor's pocket. Wasn't him. Didn't happen.
Alastor's tentacles gathered up the woman's bags. He stepped up beside Vaggie. “Allow me, dear.” He walked passed her and opened the front door. Then his tentacles launched all her bags out the door. HA! Served the woman right. No one was allowed to call their Moat Gator an ill-mannered bellhop but him!
The cacophony of her screeching wasn't really worth the brief satisfaction. It was worse than nails on a chalkboard, and it only got progressively worse when no one made a move to cater to her whims. She was going to sue Alastor, that was brand name so and so, how dare he attack a Goetia royal. Boy, she was barking... caterwauling... hooting up the wrong tree.
Alastor glanced down at Lucifer under the guise of inspecting his nails. “May I eat her?”
Probably not. She was annoying and rude, but hadn't done any real harm.
“Pity.”
“What is going on?” Charlie stepped out into the foyer and looked first at Vaggie, then Alastor, a brief glance spotting him (HEY, SUNSHINE!), then at the woman.
“MY DARLING!” The woman had shut up immediately and stepped forward to sweep Charlie into a hug. A quick kiss kiss to the cheeks, and then she pulled away.
“Uh, hello?” His baby was polite even to weirdos.
“I've been absolutely dying to meet you. I was telling the maid that mother-daughter time is crucial at the beginning of new relationships.”
“I'm sorry?” Charlie pulled back. “But who are you?”
“I'm your new step-mother, of course!” She said, beaming.
What? Lilith's lover? Why was she here? Did she want Lucifer to send her to Heaven, too? Pity, but he couldn't do that, as much as he'd like to set this squawking terror on his brother's doorstep.
“Uh, I'm sorry, but can you explain?” Charlie glanced over at Alastor and Lucifer. Lucifer waved a claw. If she needed his help, he'd get pinchy! Backup-Dad on Standby! Wait... something sounded off about that.
“As the only single female royal of age, it is obvious that I'm your new step-mother! Isn't it wonderful! I'm just dying to see my new crown. I don't want any leftover things either, no, my crown shall be bigger and better!”
“Is she delulu?” Angel whispered to Alastor.
Unfortunately, Lucifer was beginning to see. She was delusional, but she had some basis for her delusions. Well, Heck on a Runaway Horse Cart. He'd been wanting to have this particular talk with Charlie later. Much later. Much, much later. Until he had the situation sorted, later.
Lucifer stopped being crabby and popped out of Alastor's pocket. Tada! He summoned his apple cane and twirled it. His crown on his head, minus his signature hat... Jeremy, take a note about a new hat. Sub-notes: appointment with Parker.... Bring bribe, blame on Alastor. Mention pink apron. Hold up, focus, Lucifer.
All limbs in place? Tail? Well, the tail could stay out. It did lean to his Devilness when he had to take up his new hobby of telling people off. He was getting so much practice recently.
“You are mistaken on two points,” Lucifer held up his hand before the squawking could begin again. “First, you are not the only single royal.”
“You can't marry any of the Sins, I checked!” She huffed and crossed her arms, pleased she'd made a valid point.
“Very true. However, my mate can be of either gender, so your ex-husband would suit the role as equally well as yourself.” Ha, take that harpy. Bringing up the possibility of dating her ex would really put a punch in her kettle. Wait, was that the right phrase? Something didn't seem right about it. No, Lucifer, focus, no cookie.
“Second... Ehhshhh” Lucifer held up his finger in a silencing motion to prevent her screeching. She looked like she'd swallowed one of Mammon's Koi, the way she was reacting to being shhhed. “I have no intention at the present time to fill the consort position. As you can see, I have a very qualified daughter, and this young lady is her consort. I have replacements for myself and Lilith already. Please leave.” Lucifer pointed to the door.
“Dad?” Charlie frowned, but kept quiet as the woman processed what was said. Of course, she began to pitch a fit. Lucifer sighed. Really, how could one person rival a tornado siren so brilliantly?
“Your monarch has made a request,” Alastor interjected. “Leave or I will make you.” He growled and showed off a bunch of menacing tentacles. Scary, their Moat Gator.
“You wouldn't dare! I am Goetia!” She narrowed her eyes and stomped her foot. Her arms came up, and she took off her earrings, a serious act of aggression in the Pride Ring.
“HA!” Alastor picked the woman up and tossed her screaming out the door. “Try me.”
Angel gave a slow clap. “Good going!”
“You know, when I appointed you Moat Gator, I imagined you protecting Charlie from the black knights. Never thought I'd be the princess in this scenario...” Lucifer muttered with a forced laugh. Well, damn.
“Dad... Um. Is there something I need to know? No pressure or anything, but that sounded sort of importantish?” Charlie rubbed her hands together and kept shooting looks at the door. Echo was kind enough to shut it. Not that it blocked the outdoor cacophony.
“Ya, it is, but I was hoping not to have to worry you about it. I don't really expect you and Vaggie to take over, Sweetie. Really.”
“You mean... ruling Hell?”
“Right, right. Ok. Sooooo. Well, I think we should have a little talk. A little one. I mean, I'm good, everything's good. But things might not be so good later? I'm good, but I have some limits, but that's ok. We have time! I have a big closet!” Lucifer smiled at her reassuringly.
“Ok, so is this a one-on-one thing, or does it affect everyone?” Charlie asked, glancing at Vaggie.
“Uh, well. It might end up involving all of you and the hotel if I keep staying here... I guess. There might be more people like her that show up, I mean.” Lucifer pointed at the door, and they all paused to listen to the screeching on the front lawn. He'd have to fix the topiary again. Dang.
“Why don't we move this discussion to more amiable environs?” Alastor suggested pointing his microphone towards the lounge and the couches.
“Good idea,” Lucifer added a magical shield against the wall, just in case... it was prone to holes, and this might end up being a holey conversation.
Once they were all settled, Lucifer sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He'd been crabby for a while, and he made sure to do triple checks on his parts. Head, chest, legs, ears. Were his eyes in the right place? Right number of those? Yep. Two were standard for Human-form Lucifers, Devil Lucifers could have many eyes, he tended to lose count of all his peepers.
“So, I guess first thing is to tell you how Hell works? I think most of this is basic, but you have to know this to get the next part.”
“It's ok, Dad. Start where you feel most comfortable.” She seemed concerned, but was trying not to pressure him. Such a wonderful daughter.
Lucifer nodded and manifested a piece of paper and a pack of crayons.
“So you all know about the seven layers of Hell.” He drew seven lines, all a different color. “Pride is at the top, and Sloth at the bottom. Each area of Hell has a Sin that corresponds with their layer. Sloth is Bel, I'm Pride. Everyone follow?” He looked up from drawing little cartoon figures of the Sins beside each of their corresponding colored layer.
“I think we all know that, Dad.”
“Ok, so what you may not know is why there has to be a Sin in charge. Think of Hell as a multi-layered cake. Each level of Hell is a different flavor that is added to the same cake. To help keep the layers together, you have to add icing between the layers. The Sins are the icing. We are the sticky layer that helps keep the realms from crashing into the realm above it. So you have cake,” He pointed to a purple layer of sloth. “Icing, Bel. Cake. Envy. Icing, Levi. You see? So it goes until we get to the top. Me at Pride. Now my role is a tad different as I am keeping Hell from crashing into the mortal realm of Earth. Last layer, the icing on the cake.'
“So if I'm holding the top? Who's got the bottom? What is Cake Sloth sitting on? Then what are the other pieces to a cake that help hold it together? Well, there's the cake board at the bottom, the icing along the sides, and since the cake is so tall, it needs a stabilizing rod in the middle. Typically, there is also a very light coating of icing on top of the cardboard to keep the first layer from slipping while you build the rest of the cake. ”
“Oh, I think I'm beginning to see,” Charlie whispered, looking at the cartoon cake.
“Share with the class,” Angel muttered.
“Someone has to be the cardboard bottom, the side icing, bottom icing, and the rod. Right, Dad?”
“Right!” His baby was super smart. “Now acting as the Sin of Pride, I have the top held up. But I am also King! I have another role. To keep Hell stabilized, I also act as the rod and the foundation, the cardboard base, but to make things a little more equal, your mother and I built Hell so that she'd have a significant role in keeping Hell stable. I gave her a power equal to the Sins, and then more. She was the bottom and side icing of this cake. In more biblical terms. She was the cup and arrow, and I am the sword and shield. Or perhaps you can explain it as water and fire paired with earth and air. A very significant duality system was used. So, basically I'm now currently acting in all roles. Which isn't sustainable long-term. My magical closet is huge, but trying to be all things at once will wear down anyone. Which is why that woman was here. We're likely going to have an influx of people vying for the role of icing.”
“Uh, but you just split?” Angel said. “Or are they shootin' for the rebound?”
“Not sure what that means, but I'm not ready to be marrying someone else so soon.” Nope. He'd like a partner, but marriage was likely ruined forever.
“You mentioned me and Vaggie. Are you planning for us to take on these roles?” Charlie frowned, staring at the cartoon cake.
“No, Pumpkin. I'm not.” Lucifer shook his head and patted her knee. “Not because I don't believe in you, but because you literally can't. At least not, my King of Hell thing. You could, in theory, take over my place as Sin of Pride, but I've known since you were little that it wasn't really what you were meant to do. Even if you were willing to take that on, you're ill-prepared for it. It would take decades of intense magical training to get you to the point where you can keep Hell from crashing into Earth.”
“Ok, so why can't she do the icing roles? Could she take Lilith's place?” Vaggie asked.
“Uh, well. It's icky?” Lucifer stated. “Um, my magic has to intertwine intimately with the side and bottom icing, and I really don't want to do that with my kid. It's... ewww.” Lucifer shuddered. Nope, icky. Not gonna happen. Super ewww.
“But you said to that Karen lady that Charlie and Vaggie would take over,” Angel pointed out.
“I lied. Vaggie doesn't have any magic. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“Even if I could get Charlie up to the point where she could act as the rod and foundation, her chosen partner can't act as the icing. I never wanted to force that sort of relationship on her. To have to pick a partner from one of the royals... No, I won't have an arranged marriage for my baby.”
He hoped that Vaggie wouldn't take this as a slight. He didn't want to insinuate that she was holding Charlie back. She brought out Charlie's true self, not some circus-themed showmanship to keep the masses appeased. Lucifer was glad that Charlie ended up really good, despite the way she was raised. He was exceedingly grateful that Vaggie was in Charlie's life.
“Where do the Goetia fit in this cake?” Alastor pointed to the drawing and changed the subject. “There must be a reason they consider themselves royal, besides their knowing magic.”
“Well, that's sort of where the cake metaphor falls apart. The Goetia are kinda like the little decorative bits on the cake. They are those little peaky bits, I guess? I mean, they help keep Hell connected with Earth, while I keep Hell separate. Those poky frosting bits at the top of the cake are like little bumps that allow Hell access to Earth. They help keep the flow of souls moving between the realms. Maybe saying they are little straws sticking out of the top of the cake would be a better analogy? Each straw helping to funnel souls from Earth into Hell? See, the metaphor doesn't really work with cake, but they do have a fairly essential role nonetheless.'
“Each Goetia has a specific sort of thing they are in charge of. Art, science, secret mysteries, etc. There's some overlap and a lot of sub-categories. There are 72 points of entry into Hell. Each Sinner falls into at least one of these 72 categories, and the Goetia hold those specific points stable. There's Baal, for example. He likes to poof invisible. He has a thing for cat burglars. Valefar also has a thing for thieves, not just the cat-burgling kind. So the overlap.'
“The Goetia are also the 'demons' that tend to be summoned the most to the mortal realm. Some asshole wrote a book a few centuries ago and now Goetia are always being called on to teach mortals magic and to do other nasty things. Even the Sins got pulled into it! Huge mix-em-up with that. Sort of like the Satan/Lucifer thing. Bee and Bel get mixed up so much that they are hardly ever summoned. Same with Satan and me. Not the same people, so if some idiot does get the book and tried summoning Satan thinking they want the Devil, then the spell backfires. Poor Ozzie though, man... He's always being called on to um... well... some of it is not so nice. We worked out a system for when a Sin does actually get called. Implantation of false memories. That sort of thing, but the Goetia... The shenanigans they get up to! Be thankful you were born after that little book came out. I would have had to go into Crazy Dad Mode™ if some human kept trying to summon you up there. Ya, good thing. I sorta like Earth. Don't really want to have to destroy it... Lots of nice ducks.”
“Um, I have some questions...” Charlie began raising her hand, interrupting Lucifer's babbling.
“Yes?”
The following hour left Lucifer drained with a budding headache. He had to wave off answering and reexplaining things. Charlie understood and said they could continue the talk later. After all, it did feature heavily in her getting a new step-parent at some point. Just... not now. Now all he wanted was a nap. But yay! He was huggable again, and he really leaned into the bestest daughter hug ever.
He loved her so much. So, so, so much. He wouldn't let anyone know just how easy it would be to just 'slip' and let Hell crash into Earth. He'd do it for her, and it was the best leverage he had when it came to negotiating with angels. There was a reason why they said he'd be the dawning of the apocalypse. They had the logistics wrong, but the overall sentiment that he could do it was correct. So HA! Stick that up your butt and smoke it, stupid brother. He had the feeling that he'd have to pull that card out of his mangled top hat early on when confronting Michael about everything that had happened.
Though... if he didn't find a consort, he'd eventually weaken to the point where everything would become moot. Huh. Who would have thought that his married status would be the catalyst to Armageddon? Oh well, shit happened. Luckily for Earth and everyone else, he had a plan! A bat shit insane plan, but it was a plan! He just had to go to the bookstore first.
Notes:
Next chapter, Lucifer reads some self-help guides and goes on a date with Angel. Sorta.
Chapter 29
Summary:
Angel is the best wingman! LOL
Notes:
I got a message saying I'm using AI to write this. I am not. However, I do use Grammarly to help with my grammar. I suck at commas and there are always at least 20 I forgot to put into each chapter. Grammarly also helps when I miss a typo that's not super obvious. IE: Inquires VS Inquiries See, tricky to spot on the human edit. However, that being said, this nonsense is all in my brain. No AI involved in the writing.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 27
“Sooo, which one do you think will be most helpful?” Lucifer held up Poppet Charlie in front of the rows of books. He may have absconded with her without permission, but she was his favorite! “Romance for Dummies seems promising, but 100 Steps to Dating seems good too.”
He waited a beat, then tossed both books into his basket. “Good choice. I'm gonna need all the help I can get!” For good measure, he threw in a magazine with the title Best Date Spots In Pride. He was going to go a wooing! Hopefully. Super secretly at first. He was super sneaky, so this should be ok...right? Right. Ok, good pep talk!
“This is a really dumb idea,” Lucifer sighed and spoke to Poppet Charlie. “I know it's dumb, but here I am.” The slow beep, beep, beep as the cashier slid the books across the scanner was soothing. Lucifer had decided to buy all the self-help books. The more the merrier! But he'd read Poppet Charlie's recommendations first.
The imp cashier gave him a look with a raised eyebrow. “I'm sorry?”
“Oh, I'm just talking to my Poppet Daughter.” Lucifer held up Poppet Charlie. “Isn't she cute?”
“Uh, sure?” The beeping of his purchases sped up to warp speed. How efficient!
“Can you leave the magazine out?” Lucifer asked as it was scanned.
“Sure.”
“Um, you don't know if you have anything else like this,” Lucifer tapped the dating spot guide headline. “For the rest of Hell, do you?”
The cashier paused in scanning and looked at the title. “Dating spots? I know there are guidebooks, but we don't really carry them since sinners can't travel out of Pride. You're better off to look that sort of thing up online.”
“Oh! Good idea! Thank you!”
“If it's not in there, I think that Cannibal Town is a good date spot. You could also try that Avian Sanctuary place. It's trending right now because there's a good coffee spot.”
“Really? Thank you so much!” Lucifer beamed at him.
Who would have thought that Alastor had found the hottest date spot in Pride! HA! He needed to make a sign. Didn't want the best coffee place to be overtaken by sharks. Though... punishing Alastor last time had been fun... Nope. Best not. A Lucifer-Approved sign would be popping up at Marimo Lady's Duck & Coffee House™!
“ALASTOR!” Lucifer popped into the kitchen, waving the magazine. “Come with me! I need research!”
“Pardon?” Alastor fed Daisy her portion of the chicken scraps. “I am cooking, Sire.”
“Uh, ok. So maybe after?”
“What sort of assistance do you require?”
“This says,” Lucifer waved the magazine around. “That the best ice cream in Pride is a place called Whip Me. I need to know if this is true!”
Alastor sighed, “And why do you need to know this?”
“It's research! I need second opinions.”
“Sire, I do not enjoy sweets. I would recommend that you take Charlie to that establishment.”
“Oh. Uh. That's not a bad idea... but you see, I was hoping to check the place out before I took her.” Come on, pick up what the Devil was droppin'. Stupid Deer.
“I see. Then, might I suggest Angel?”
“He's on a diet...” Lucifer sighed. Alastor was not picking up anything dropped. Dangit.
“Lucifer, you surely know some sort of spell to make such treats calorie-free.”
“Uh, I... well... maybe? I could modify...” Maybe talking things over with Angel first would be a good idea. The spider seemed super in-the-know about these sorts of things.
“There you go. Angel would love to have an afternoon of guilt-free snacking.”
“You think?”
“Yes, now leave me be, I am making Cajun chicken pasta for dinner.”
“Don't break the noodles,” Lucifer warned. “Angel gets reeaall upset about that.”
“Of course not.”
“STUPID MAGIC SHIT!” Angel yelled in a huff, swinging four arms in the air. “I'm makin' Charlie put this one on the list!”
“It just never occurred to me until Alastor mentioned it,” Lucifer explained again.
They were walking down the street heading for Whip Me. Angel was in a dramatic tissy. Lucifer couldn't really blame him. His dieting problems could be taken care of with some tiny itty bitty tweaking of a reduction spell. It wouldn't help him get a shapelier butt, but it would keep him from getting arm flab.
“I mean, I'm glad I have it now! But when I think about all the salads I ate! Ugh! I could seriously not look at lettuce for the next year!”
“Um, it's a reduction of calories, not vanishing,” Lucifer warned. “You're my experiment. I need to make certain you're still getting all your vitamins. We don't want the food you eat to just disappear! That would be bad.”
“I know, I know. Weekly check-ins and you get to poke me for ma blood.”
“I'm sending it out to Bel, so her people can make absolutely certain you're getting all the proper nutrition. Make sure you eat like normal, ok? Don't just gobble down all the things you've been missing. You should throw a salad or two in there for the greens.”
“I get it, I get it. If this works, it's gonna be revolutionary. You know that, right?”
“Well, not many people could tweak a spell like that. You see, it's not about the power; there are a lot of people with the power to do a reducing spell, but to modify it so that it can work on people? That takes a lot of delicacy and finesse.” He was hot hair on toast! Look at his skillZ. BIG Z!
“What does the normal spell do? If ya don't mind tellin' me.” Angel glanced around and maneuvered both of them around a mugging-in-progress. There was a loud yelp, and the attacker dropped his gun and reached for his bottom. The mugger may have just developed a hasty case of hemorrhoids. Hey, Lucifer was the Devil after all. He was pretty sure he was supposed to be punishing bad acts or something. Maybe? Oh well. Super Hemorrhoids! HA!
The mugger gave a distressed whine and waddled out of their way.
“The spell makes things smaller. Mostly so you can pack them away. Say you have a big vase, but moving it around is cumbersome because you don't want to break it. You make it smaller so you can pick it up and move it more easily.”
“Huh. So if you used it on a person...”
“It doesn't work on living things normally,” Lucifer waved that away. “That's why I had to modify it. You should have seen my first try. It just made all the food smaller! Mini toast! The poppets had a toast party! But I figured it out. I had to work on the molecular level. The only thing I noticed was that the taste was just a tad off. I think there is something with my salt reduction, but I'm still working on that. Let me know if you notice it.”
“Sure thing.”
Whip Me was packed with sinners. The line was really long, but the general atmosphere was pleasant enough. Everyone seemed patient and willing to wait in line. That might have had something to do with the huge octopus sinner doling out ice cream at super speed. Having more arms really did seem to be handy. Handy... HA!
“Well, damn,” Angel sighed. “Think you could throw rank and get us to the front?”
“I could, but that's sorta the kinda thing that makes people not like you,” Lucifer pointed out. “I don't want to breed unnecessary animosity.”
“Fine,” Angel stepped up behind a large hippo man. “So you bringin' me here for giggles or is there something else you wanted to talk to me about? Don't think I didn't notice the magazine yous was reading.”
“Oh! Uh! This isn't a date!” Lucifer held up his hands. “I mean, I know it's on the list, but I... well... I...”
“You're thinking about putting yourself out there. If yous ready for it, great! But don't go rushin' into no relationships just because of the 'cake thing'.” Angel used quotes around cake thing and glanced at the people around them. Ah, they were being subtle. Ok, he could do that. He was the king of sneakiness.
“Truth is, I've sorta been over Lilith for a while. She hasn't been around in a long time. Before she showed up again, I had already been thinking of moving on. Still, seeing her again, and that entire shit show... It's hard. I'm still sad about it. It brought up so many memories, and it was like a scab got picked and started bleeding all over again.”
“You may have been over it, but Charlie wasn't. That really sucked. She ate all ma Popsicles when the ice cream ran out. Then she had Alastor make her a few of those chocolate cakes... Honestly, you should be askin' her if she needs a reduction spell. Not saying she's gained weight, but I am a bit concerned. She's eatin' her emotions.”
“I don't like seeing her hurt. We had a big unhappy time, but... I... I really want her to be happy. I think she's happy? I really hope she's happy.”
“I don't think yous got much to worry about there. She's like rubba, bounces back real quick.”
“But do you think she's happy?” Lucifer looked up at Angel.
“Well, she's stressed and I think she takes on more than she should, but I think... ya. I'd say overall she's happy.'
“I mean, it's impossible to be happy all the time, but she's doing good. She's real smart, and she knows when to listen to people when they tell her to slow down. She does have her moments of being sad, but everyone does. I'm learnin' that havin' people you actually like around helps a whole lot with the happiness thing.'
“Does that help?” Angel asked, looking down at him.
“I think so. There is something to what you just said. Just being around people that you like is really helpful. Moving into the hotel, I think it's been super duper helpful for me! Maybe staying locked up by myself wasn't the healthiest choice, but I really felt that I shouldn't let my depression take everyone down... Does that make sense?”
“It's a hard call,” Angel nodded, rocking back and forth and peering over the hippo guy to see how far they still had to go. “I get it. Being around gloomy people can make you gloomy.”
“That's it!” Lucifer nodded.
“But that's where the health part comes in, I think. I think it was easy for you to realize yous was depressed because it was so bad, but for some people it's not so easy to spot. Lots of people drown their unhappiness in drugs and drink and don't even notice that what theys feelin' isn't really normal, because they've lived with it so long they think it is normal? Ya get me?”
“They start to think that being depressed is just how things always are.”
“Right, and for those people, it's harder to recognize they need help. Might be fewer drug addicts and booze hounds if it were easier to spot when someone is just sad versus being depressed, ya know? Get on the right meds, do therapy, it's hard to get the motivation to actually do those things when you can't even get out of bed.”
“It was really overwhelming when I first started talking to Sharlanda.”
“Well... that was a bit of a quirky way to work through it, to be honest, Short King. Not everyone has the ability to create their own therapist.”
“I've been thinking about that actually...” Lucifer tilted his head. “You know what you said about drugs and drink. A lot of sinners are down here because they made some really bad choices because of drugs and drink. I do wonder if Charlie isn't on to something with the Hotel in that regard.”
“What do ya mean?”
“I mean, there are probably a lot of people down here just because they couldn't manage their own mental health, right? What Charlie is doing with the Hotel is giving people a place to work through their problems in a more healthy way. I don't think it matters if redemption is possible, because the skills she's trying to give everyone can be used forever. If people can learn to deal with their problems in a healthier way, then that is a net positive for everyone. So I'd been thinking... about Sharlanda and being unable to just get out of bed, to take that first step. What if the Hotel brought the therapy to you?”
“Like Glenda and her Brigade?”
Lucifer nodded, “I've noticed that Glenda and the Boo Boo Bandageupper Brigade have been doing some side work outside of the hotel. I think they got a bit bored with us since we aren't maiming ourselves on the regular.'
“I was thinking, what if we had a few therapists at the hotel, different kinds so that they can help with specialized problems. A drug rehab duck, an alcoholic helper duck, a duck to help with understanding sexuality, or a trauma duck? You see? There are a bunch of problems that people have that they might be more inclined to talk to a specialized duck rather than just to Sharlanda, who, to be honest, is specialized in mostly devil-centric depression.”
“The duck thing aside, that's not a bad notion,” Angel mused.
“What's wrong with ducks?” Lucifer asked.
“Nothin'!” Angel laughed and pointed forward. “Have you thought about what you want. I think you can see the sign now.”
“I'm not short!”
“I didn't say yous were?” Angel looked down at him, grinning. “Thinkin' of someone else maybe?”
Lucifers did not pout. They chose strawberry ice cream with sprinkles, chocolate banana, and coconut pineapple. They also may have admitted to a certain spider that a certain devil-type-being had a crush on cranky deer.
“Hey ya, Red,” Angel leaned against the concierge desk. He'd waited until Alastor had hung up the phone. “Gettin' a lot of calls?”
“A few. Most are requesting interviews, I've been informed that I am not to 'blow out people's ears' just for asking.” Alastor made hand quotes.
“Any new recruits?”
“There have been two legitimate inquiries. However, I do feel that their intentions are not savory.”
“Speakin' of savory,” Angel picked up his phone and showed Alastor the picture he took. “I went with Short King to get ice cream. He really liked it, and wes was talking about how you might actually like it too. Look at the menu.”
“I don't enjoy... oh?” Alastor picked up Angel's phone. “This does look intriguing.”
“Ya, I neva heard of most of these, but I tried the blue cheese and pear and it was really good!”
“Interesting.”
“Sweet corn and black pepper, Sriracha, burrata, roasted garlic, foie gras, and tomato sorbet seemed real popular because they's was out. The goat cheese and beet were out too. I thought theys was real weird for ice cream, but I tried it and I think I'd try the others too.”
“Some of these do seem appealing.”
“Ya, so when Short King asks ya to go, don't say no just because. Ok?”
“He already asked, I am afraid.”
“He did? Well, maybe you should do the askin'. He really liked it, and he seemed determined to try every flavor they had.”
“Thank you for the advice.” Alastor handed the phone back to Angel.
“Oh, and he might ask you to go to dinner. Ya see, he's working through this list and it's no fun going without company.”
“A list?”
“Ya, I think it's his way of processing the shit show that happened with the Ex-Queen. He's really trying to put himself out there, be seen. I think. Let people know he's ok and still in charge. Since you've sorta set yourself up as his minder, it's probably gonna be you he wants to take to all these places.”
“Ah, I see. I understand. However, I feel as though I should be declining.”
“What? Why?”
“You were there for his talk. How is he going to find a life partner if he's got a third wheel in tow?”
“Ah, I don't think he's quite ready for datin' just yet, but he is trying to get out there and could still use the assist. We don't want him hookin' up with some hussy. So we need to wingman for him.”
“I will speak with Charlie about this and see if we can start a rotation.”
“Reeeed, come on! Ya can't be checkin' out the hotties with ya kid. Sorry buddy, this one's on you cause I's got to work.”
“I work too, Angel.”
“Not sayin' ya don't, but your schedule is easier to accommodate.”
“There is truth in that.”
“Great! Good talk!” Angel stood up and waved as he spotted Husker. “See ya at dinner.”
Notes:
The next chapter, Lucifer forgot something REAL important. Oooopppsie.
Chapter 30
Summary:
Well... Luci did an oopsie.
Notes:
Sorry, but this chapter was like pulling teeth. I've written and rewritten it so many times. I'm having a bit of a block. I might still go back and change it. It's been roughly 2 weeks since last post and it's because I'm stuck. I have an idea of where I want this to go, but getting there is proving to be harder than I anticipated. I want Luci to be in a good mental place before he brings up dating. However... there is a part of me that is like... ehhhh, dude, you just kicked your wife out of Hell and you are still not fully together mentally. (He's still sporadically talking to himself without realizing it.) Tossing Luci and Al together willy-nilly doesn't feel right currently in the story... I'm having a difficult time deciding 'when' 'how' they will get together. Then I had the thought... do they have to? Im actually leaning into the Queer Platonic camp right now. So you can see where I'm stuck. Anyway, pls give me a bit of leeway. I plan on tossing in some masked wrestling and perhaps a visit to Sloth. We shall see.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 28
Things were progressing super sneaky! He'd only been scolded a little bit about taking Poppet Charlie outside. On top of that, at least once a week, he was allowed sleepovers in the super comfy nest. Snuggles with Alastor were the best sleep aide.
So he' probably could forgive himself for forgetting one small tiny thing. Really small, not important at all. Just a little itty bitty oopsy.
“LUCIFER!” Michael burst through a portal in a flurry of gold glitter, startling the dickens out of Lucifer. His long blonde hair was in disarray, and the golden, branchy laurel wreath halo thingy he was wearing was all crooked, and his hair was tangled in it. He even had ink stains on the cuffs of his robe! Disheveled! For once, Lucifer was the more 'put-together' brother. Huzzah!
“HEY! You made me drop my favorite mug!” Lucifer protested, eyeing the Duck You mug for cracks. Alastor had Charlie-proofed it, but he didn't say anything about Lucifer-proofing. Coffee was spilled all over the coffee table, and he may have gotten Alastor's newspapers a bit damp. Another oops. He waved his hand and cleaned up the coffee. He hoped Alastor wouldn't comment on his now slightly brown news.
“Luuuccciiifeeerrr!” Michael stomped over to him and pointed his finger. “Are you ignoring my emails on purpose?!” Well, he was a tad upset. No, 'what's up bro, haven't seen you in an eon, what's kickin'?' Rude.
“Uh, no? I just... sorta... forgot?” Lucifer tried giving his brother a small smile, but it fell short at his aghast look.
“You... forgot...” Michael paused processing that.
“YOU FORGOT! YOU IDIOT!” WHAM! Michael brought his fist down on Lucifer's head. How nostalgic. He'd done that a lot when they were younger. Still, ouchie. Glenda popped up ready to supply medical aid if needed. Such a good duck. Very diligent. Gold stars all around.
“What seems to be the commotion?” Alastor stepped out from the kitchen carrying two plates of breakfast. “Ah, we have a guest.” Lucifer knew that Alastor had heard them and was playing pretend about the surprise visitor. Silly deer, didn't he realize his ears pressed flat when he was stressed?
Alastor set the plate in front of Lucifer. He frowned at his newspaper, giving Lucifer the 'look', but didn't comment as he put his own plate down. Well, dang, that meant he'd be scolded later. Boo.
“Salutations, I am Alastor. Will you be joining us for breakfast? Coffee? Today I have made ham and onion omelets with optional green pepper and cheddar cheese.”
Michael frog blinked at Alastor. Strange, it wasn't often that someone caught his brother on the wrong foot. Their Moat Gator was really the best. But it took Alastor clearing his throat to get an answer from Michael. Really now, it was rude to be staring so hard.
Lucifer leaned forward and peeked at Alastor's face. Maybe he had a boogie?
“That would be nice, thank you.” Michael visibly shook himself, then began to pick at his sleeves. He looked like he'd been swatted with one of Alastor's cast-iron pans. Dad-smacked? Lucifer couldn't remember a time when Michael seemed so... rude. He used to be a very polite sort of angel, but it had been an eon or two since they'd met face to face, so perhaps a few bad habits had taken root.
“Certainly. Please, take a seat. Do you take coffee or tea?”
“Do you have milk? Um, I'll take an omelet with everything, please.”
“But of course, I shall be a moment.” Alastor disappeared around the corner. At least his ears had popped back up. Maybe he wouldn't be scolded after all.
“Uh, so sit?” Lucifer pointed to the high-back seat across from him and Alastor.
“Is that guy the butler?” Michael asked, sitting down, still looking in the direction Alastor had gone.
“No, he's Charlie's hotel manager and we're friends!” Lucifer grinned, so proud of his baby and her choices. “Bestest friends. I like him a whole bunch!”
“Ooookaaay.” Michael was looking around the room. He was trying to put his hair back in place, but the blonde locks kept falling down his forehead. “Sooo, it's been a while.”
Lucifer eyed Alastor's Oh Deer mug. The deer took his coffee with just cream, boo. Lucifer debated, then debated again. Then quickly switched the mugs. HA! Super sneaky! He plopped six sugar cubes into the Oh Deer mug and used his fork to swirl it around. YAY! Coffee!
“Are you even listening?” Michael sighed.
“Uh, No? I mean coffee? My brain isn't awake yet. I think that's normal. I know it takes Charlie ages to wake up. So it's probably a genetic thing. Sleepy Head Syndrome. Super cute when she was little. She'd walk into walls. Not so cute when she was a teenager, walls tended to catch fire then. The curtains were always slightly singed.”
“Breakfast.” Alastor stepped into the room and placed the plate with the fresh omelet down in front of Michael. Echo followed behind with silverware and milk. Lucifer frowned at the hotel mug filled with coffee that Alastor was carrying. The stupid deer took a sip and grinned at Lucifer with raised eyebrows as he sat down beside him. Blast it! He'd gotten extra coffee for himself, but none for Lucifer! Booo, Stinky Deer!
“DAD!” Charlie shouted.
“I didn't do it!” Lucifer held up both hands, making sure his pilfered coffee didn't spill again, and watched as she marched right up to Michael. Her hair was sticking up in every direction, and her slippers were mismatched. She'd accidentally grabbed one of Vaggie's.
“We talked about you cloning yourself to get extra dinner! That goes for breakfast too! Changing your outfit and hair doesn't mean you can make Alastor make extras!” Charlie swiped the toast from Michael's plate and bit down. “Man, the last few days I've been craving toast! Weird, huh?”
“Still sleepy, Sweetie?” Lucifer asked. He did his best not to giggle at his brother, but the look on his face... Well, dang. There went the giggle.
“I haven't had coffee yet. Is there still some in the pot?” She blinked at him and looked between Lucifer and Michael. Her brain was starting to kick in, but she'd need a bit of help.
“I left your breakfast and coffee on the counter, My Dear. I anticipated you rising soon,” Alastor chuckled at the affronted look on Michael's face.
When was the last time he'd had his breakfast swiped? Lucifer tried reeeaaaal hard not to really break down into a fit of giggles.
“It's been a really long time since someone mixed us up,” Michael muttered, picking up his glass of milk.
“To be fair to our dearest daughter...”
“She's my daughter...”
“She has reason to assume you are Lucifer. You do have a striking physical resemblance, and Lucifer is prone to cloning for extra snacks.”
“And she hasn't had coffee,” Lucifer added, placing his toast on Michael's plate. He'd share since it was his baby girl who'd made the mistake.
“When she does awaken, be prepared for physical affection.”
“She has the best hugs,” Lucifer agreed.
“Uh... Um?” Charlie blinked hard. “Oh. Soooo, not Dad?” She said in a small voice, her eyes zeroing in on the halo that the silly branch thing was wrapped around. Was decorating halos in this season? If so, why make them pointy and branch, and why wear it like a headband? And Alastor poked fun at him for wearing a top hat! At least his hair wasn't all tangled up in his halo!
“Char, this is your Uncle Michael,” Lucifer smiled at her. “He's visiting.”
“OH! Oh, Shoot! I'm soooo sorry. Here's your toast!” She tried to give the half-eaten toast back. “No, I mean you don't want that! I'll get new toast! I'm sooo sorry!”
“Charlie, go grab your breakfast and join us,” Alastor said, sipping his coffee.
“Right! I can do that! Sure!” Charlie ran off. They could all hear her in the kitchen scolding herself. “Stupid, bad impression! UGGHH I'm still in Pjs!”
“She's full of energy,” Michael said, looking over his shoulder to where she disappeared. And to where she suddenly reappeared.
“BOOOOOYYYYYY!” She said loudly, sidling up to Michael. Was she preparing to steal more toast? She was being sorta suspicious. He'd have to teach her the art of being sneaky. “Uncle Michael! That's YOU!” She reached down and took his hand. “Has anyone shown you where the washroom is? NO? Let ME!” She yanked him out of his chair and pulled him down the hall.
“Wait? What?” Michael stumbled after her.
“Awwwe, she's so nice! His hair is a bit of a mess,” Lucifer grinned, sipping his coffee.
“Sire, sometimes you are a bit dense,” Alastor sighed.
“Oh? You think he had to actually go?” Ewww. Didn't need to know that at breakfast. You should always take a potty break before traveling. Shortsighted of Michael, the restrooms in the hotel were immaculate, but everywhere else could be hit or miss.
“Never mind,” Alastor shook his head.
“Should we wait to eat? It seems rude to start without them.” Lucifer looked at his omelet; it was getting cold.
“Keep them warm and wait. They should be back shortly.”
“Ok.” Lucifer decided to wait by drinking his pilfered coffee. See, this was how you did sneakiness.
“So, you forgot to keep in touch after you shipped Lilith to them?”
“Well, I did forget to remind Jeremy to remind me... so yes. I was a bit too crabby to remember to remind him. Then there was that thing with the owl lady. Then I got caught up in trying to work out how to do Angel's reducing spell... I've been busy.”
“I see. You have been keeping the other Sins updated at least?”
“Ya, that group text is really handy. I don't have to have an actual conversation to keep everyone informed.”
“Did you send Satan that fruit basket you promised?”
“Uh??” Ooops. Lucifer summoned his phone and got right on that. A basket of summer sausages and curated mustard. He requested that the basket be pink and state that It's a Boy on the card. Satan would like that; it was funny. “Ok, that's done! Don't tell Jeremy, he won't get the joke.”
“Mums the word.”
Michael wandered back in looking a bit more rumpled than when he left. Charlie hugs did that to a guy. Charlie popped up behind him, carrying her plate of food.
Michael was staring again. What? Was Lucifer the one with the boogie now? He picked up his napkin and wiped his face, just in case. It was rude to have boogies at breakfast.
“SOOOOOO, Dad. Uncles! Well. You look so alike, but not. I mean, I thought you were doing a disguise thing?” Charlie sat down in the second high-back chair beside Michael.
“Siblings tend to have similar characteristics, My Dear. I would assume that it would be a bit more predominant with the first Angels.” Alastor glanced over at him to confirm the theory.
Conversation, they were having a talk about angel biology! Ok, keep it PG, Lucifer. No need to bring in the sexless thing. Last he'd checked, all his sibs were going with 'male' characteristics, so uncles it was. Though he should give her a heads up that there was a possibility of aunts, but that could wait for later.
“You know, I never really thought of that... Is that why I look so much like you, Dad?”
Lucifer nodded, “It's likely. No real genetic diversity in the first bunch of us. We all sorta look similar.”
“Raph is taller, Gabe is shorter, Uri is just massive, but otherwise, we do look similar. Each of us was genetically created different, though. Lucifer has some sheep, snake, and bird genetics. I have bird, amphibian, and lion. Lucifer and I are the only ones roughly the same size.”
“I'm taller!” Lucifer grinned.
“No, you're not, wearing boots with heels doesn't make you taller.”
“It's not the boots! Not anymore, I've got hoovies now! I'm taller!” Lucifer wiggled his booted hoof under the table.
Michael gave him a look that Lucifer didn't bother to figure out. He was hungry, and it was breakfast!
To give the group a bit of privacy, Charlie offered her office as a space to have their discussions. After a quick clean up, in which Charlie changed, and Lucifer made Alastor make more coffee, they settled down for a real meeting. All business! That was Lucifer! He'd do the heckn' heck out of business today!
Pushing his fake pink glasses up his nose, he did his best to look serious and businessy. Charlie joined in the fun and wore her fake glasses too. She even had her notepad out and at the ready. Yay, business family!
“So the first order of business is the quarterly report from the west district,” Lucifer stated in a superior monotone, adjusting his glasses.
Whack!
Alastor's fist came down on his head.
“Do try to be serious, Sire.”
Lucifers did not pout! “I was being serious! See! Glasses!” He was super serious!
Alastor snorted and shook his head.
“I think the first thing I'd like to ask is... um... how is Mom?” Charlie glanced at Michael and worried at her lip with her teeth. She had one leg crossed over the other, she didn't even try to not fidget, her leg was bouncing up and down like a piston.
“She's... Well, it is a difficult situation. For the time being, she's been placed under house arrest in the pocket dimension she set up on Adam's estate.”
What? Lilith had been shacking up with Adam? Huh... Some of the stuff in her journals made a lot more sense now.
“We're working on disciplinary measures for the other conspirators involved. Looking into things was a rather unpleasant eye-opener for a lot of us.” Michael glanced over at Lucifer. “I don't know how Sera managed it; the exterminations were sanctioned by the council. It was super shady and had the appearance of being above board when it was 100% not. However, there is no paper trail, so it's difficult to suss out who knew what and how involved they were. After some serious arguments all around, the council has been temporarily disbanded and Sera no longer will be in charge.'
“Gabe and Uri are picking up the slack and doing a lot of the cleanup for the council mess. Raph has begun trying to... what did he call it?” Michael leaned his head back. “De-programming? He's trying to reverse the brainwashing Adam did to the guard. They weren't originally exorcist angels, but part of the honor Guard of Dad. I'm looking into the legalities of this hot mess and trying to figure out a fair and just punishment for everyone. Which would have been easier if someone had answered their emails.” Michael gave him an exasperated look.
Ok, so... his bad...
“I was sad... and busy...” Lucifer muttered, shifting his weight in the chair. “We've got some problems down here, too, because of this.”
“I apologize for thinking you were ignoring me on purpose.”
“I wasn't,” Lucifer tried really hard to give his brother good eye contact. Charlie said that it was a sign of sincerity. “The emotions were real big and hoo boy, I went crabby for a few days. Everyone and their third cousin twice removed was messaging or calling us. We went on a little media blackout, not sure if we've technically stopped doing that yet? We also had a coo coo bananas lady show up wanting to marry me, then there's the cake thing, the sneaky thing that requires a lot more reading than I'd anticipated, and Angel's diet plan. I even forgot to send Satan his gift basket! Thanks for the reminder, by the way,” He turned to address Alastor. “I don't like not keeping promises, even if it's something as mundane as a gift basket.”
“Alastor has been a huge help with the media, and while we haven't come out and addressed everything publicly, we've made sure that the people who need to know, do. It just never occurred to me that some of the people who needed to know were in Heaven. I'm sorry about that, but the only contact I have up there is Emily, and she hasn't been answering me,” Charlie added to his excuses. What a good girl!
“Let me give you our contacts, you seem to me more on top of things than your father.” Michael pulled out his phone. “I'll give you your other uncle's contacts too. Emily has been ordered not to leak any information about everything that's happening. So don't blame her too much. She's been a huge help trying to sort this mess.”
“OH! That's great!”
“Hey, what about me!” Lucifer complained. “I've got a phone now, too!”
“You can stick to email until you learn to actually answer it,” Michael gave him a dirty look. “What about you? Do you want our numbers?” Michael asked Alastor.
“No need, good sir. I do not use the confangled contraptions. If I require contact, I can just summon you via the radio. I'm the Radio Demon after all, HA, Ha, ha!”
“Wait...” Michael held up his hand, frowning. “Are you the reason Heaven had to get rid of all our radios? Someone was broadcasting some very not nice things, and we couldn't get it to stop.”
“Guilty!” Alastor beamed. “Nice to meet a fan!”
“Uh, um... right...” Michael looked a bit green, but did his best to smile. “How did you do that? You shouldn't... oh. Oh, I see, right... That makes sense.” Michael began to nod, not bothering to share his thoughts with the rest of the group.
“Care to elucidate?” Alastor asked, his ears twitching in mirth.
“Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect you may be Vetti's child? Alastor. She told me her son was named Alastor, and you think Luci and I share a family resemblance. You can't imagine how surreal it was when you walked in looking so much like her. Just sorta red.” Michael waved his hand to show off Alastor's overall redness.
“I can...” Charlie muttered. Then her brain caught up, “Wait, you know Al's mom?”
Lucifer was watching his favorite deer. Deer in headlights wasn't a term he'd typically use for their Moat Gator. He reached over and took Alastor's hand to give it a pinchy... no squeeze. It was probably a big shock. He'd be helpful and hold his hand. Because Alastor was Lucifer's favorite, not because Lucifer had been looking for an opportunity for hand-holding... nope.
“Well, I'd certainly hope so,” Michael laughed and shared a bright grin with Charlie. “I've been married to her for nearly 50 years.” He pulled up his phone again and began to swipe through pictures.
“That's Al's mom? She's so CUTE!” Charlie squealed, looking at the picture of Michael and a tall woman with furry golden ears on top of her head standing in front of a waterfall. Michael had been right; there was a very strong family resemblance.
When Michael swiped again and showed a picture of them on the beach in their swimsuits... Alastor lost his grip on reality; it didn't help that Momma Alastor was in a yellow polka-dot bikini.
Pride had survived a blackout before. Though they'd have to replace every single light bulb in the Ring this time. Glenda was pleased to give out lots of band-aids.
Notes:
Soooo??? Did ya like my twist? LMAO. Poor Deerboi can't handle it. I laughed just imagining the way Alastor would do an eugenue swoon.
Chapter 31
Summary:
EDIT: This Chapter is finished now. LOL.
So forgive this lack of completion. I will update the notes and whatnot when I begin work on the next chapter and post the rest of this one. (It will be in an edit, not a split chapter, so come back Friday and read the entire thing.)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 29
Alastor lay back on Charlie's white tweed couch, feet propped up on the arm. He had a cool rag held against his eyes, and Lucifer was being helpful by waving a small paper fan to help him cool off. Lucifer had folded it himself! Origami for the win!
Alastor had flat-out fainted. Just dropped like a sack of potatoes, like a penny off the Empire State Building, like a missed touchdown pass... dropped. Good thing he'd been sitting when all of Pride went dark; otherwise, Lucifer would have had to inspect him for bumps and bruises. Pity. The inspection process could have been a bit of fun shenanigans.
But yay! Alastor had taken off his coat before their little meeting, and Lucifer had been super sneaky and put it on! He really did love smelling the cantankerous momma's boy. It made him feel super syrupy and sweet. Lucifer kicked his feet out and hummed a happy tune. Happy songs! He might have to fight Alastor later, because he really didn't want to give the coat back. HA! My coat now!
“Not your coat,” Alastor huffed. “I will require it back.”
Lucifer ignored him and continued to hum. He was King... Executive Coat Procuring Privilege. What's the point of the title if he didn't flex his wings every so often? Thinking of wings... He was feeling itchy. Ugh. Stupid Lilith and her chicken plucking. New feathers were such a pain.
“My mother is married to an archangel...” Alastor slowly said, attempting to process the news.
“Seems like it.” Lucifer grinned. Poor distressed little deer. Who'd have thought he and his brother had similar tastes? Family dinners might get a tad weird, but hey, they were in Heaven, and Lucifer and Alastor were in Hell. Don't make a problem when there isn't one.
But that hadn't been the only bomb Michael had dropped.
As soon as Alastor fainted, Charlie decided to take Michael on a flashlight-led tour of the hotel. Not even two minutes later, she burst back in crying. Lucifer had been all ready to get his MEAN-DAD on when Michael popped his head back in, looking really worried.
“I thought you knew? I've got papers that say the council sent you the documents?”
Uh.... Well, Lucifer hadn't been checking his real mail either... When had he last done that? Were Charlie's tears his fault? He had to admit he had a rather poor track record for correspondence lately. Bad Lucifer, no cookie.
“Sir Pentious was redeemed!!!” Charlie bawled, grabbing onto Lucifer's lapels and thoroughly wetting his coat with tears. Well, he couldn't wear a tear and snot-covered coat around now, could he? So he procured a new one... HA!
Alastor had been unconscious the entire time, so he missed out on the nuance of the coat situation. Lucifer chose to forgive him. Silly Deer. When a daughter ruins your coat, the only polite thing to do is to offer a good-smelling one. How nice. Such a polite Moat Gator. He had to remember to tell Momma Alastor all about how nice and polite her son was because it was 100% his coat now. Double HA!
But first...
“Sooooo, there's more news, if you're ready...” Lucifer began. Charlie had asked him to share the news with Alastor, because she was busy dragging Michael all over the hotel. “Do you need water? An Aspirin? Booze? Pancakes? Human edibles? I can run out and find someone to smite...”
“I'm fine, just a bit hot. Please, don't tell me I have angelic siblings? I can't handle that right now.” Alastor brought his hand to his temple and rubbed.
“Uhhh, not as far as I know? I mean, there's really no reason why Michael couldn't; he lays eggs too, but maybe he didn't keep all of his, and they have to wait a few hundred years before he lays the next one? His cycle might not be the same as mine? It's a personal thing, and I'm not comfy asking. 'Hey Brotice, when's the last time you had estrus?', would be a real awkward conversation.”
“Great...” Alastor sighed. Then he lifted the towel over his eyes and blinked at Lucifer. “So what is this news?”
“Sir Pentious was redeemed, and the hotel works.”
There was a sharp pop of static as Alastor stared at Lucifer.
“Repeat that.”
“Redemption... it works.” Did he have to explain it? Heck, Heaven wasn't even certain what the heckin' heck had happened, how was he supposed to know?
Alastor settled back down into the couch and re-covered his eyes. “That is... something...”
“Michael is planning with Charlie. I guess Raph is going to be the lead angel for the rehabilitation plans they've been trying to work out. So there's going to be a lot of come-and-go angel traffic through the hotel for a bit.'
“They've also sorta requested that we go up there to give sworn testimonials about the exterminations and what happened with Adam. Bureaucracy. I don't wanna, but Charlie gave me puppy-eyes and Michael hit me when I told him to jump off a log.”
“Sire... Forgive me, but I'm not... Can we set aside the mundanities until my head stops thumping? I feel rather ill.”
“Oh, uh, sure thing.” Lucifer set forth to wave the little fan with a bit more vigor. After a bit, Lucifer's fan slowed down. His thoughts were trailing in different directions and he lost focus of his task.
“Are you really this upset that your mom remarried?”
“It's a lot, Sire. Not that she remarried exactly... but that... How the Hell did she end up with an Archangel? She's a good woman, but... that's a lot. I've been able to treat our respective deaths and the subsequent consequences as the natural course of things. For me, my mother is this person frozen in time in my memories. I naturally had hoped that she was happy wherever she was, but I never really processed what that could entail.”
“Well, the same could likely be said for her. I don't presume to speak for your mom, but she probably misses you a lot.”
“Do you have any concept of having someone be 'dead'?” He made finger quotes. “I've always believed she was in Heaven, but there's a difference in Knowing. There are these incongruent thoughts... The vague concept of she's living happy in Heaven, and the reality of she married an archangel and is living happily. Perhaps I'm not explaining this well.”
“I've got Zombie-Bro, so I think maybe I get it. Someone dies... you've come to terms with it. Then BAM, it's like the dead person walked out of their little tomb with a new recipe for honey cakes, and is surprised when you start planning for the zombie apocalypse.” That hadn't been a productive few weeks at all.
“That is an oddly specific comparison, but yes, I believe you understand the underlying problem of my emotional distress. I feel the need to bite something. However, the question I keep circling around is: How did she marry an Archangel? How did she meet him? She's a good woman, but certainly she's one of billions of good women throughout history...”
“Oh, she probably smelled really good,” Lucifer commented. “Wouldn't surprise me if the Angelic Silly Smelly Stuff ™ you give off isn't genetic. Furbie smells normal to me, so I don't know if it's just the human component that allows for you to give off the love-me pheromones that angels drool over. He is the Lord of Lightning and Storms... and you do smell like spring storms. Maybe angels just like the smell of storms? No, that can't be it or Vaggie would have said something, but she is a battle angel, not an archangel, maybe only archangels like stormy smells?”
“Sire, I'm failing to comprehend any of what you just said.”
Oh. Uh. Ok. Back up.
“So, you smell really really good. Not just normal good, but really good. It's sorta like Husker's Silly Smelly Stuff ™ he keeps under the bar for tea, but only when I'm Kitty Lucifer. Uh. So...”
“Catnip, Sire. He keeps catnip under the bar,” Alastor interrupted.
“Right. So, it smells reeeeeallly good when I've gone Kitty-Mode. Your smell triggers the same happy feeling in my brain in Angel-Mode.”
Alastor blinked one eye, then the other, and nodded slowly. “You mentioned pheromones. I see.”
“Yup, you smell good!” Lucifer gave him a double thumbs-up.
“You believe these pheromones may be genetic; my mother also produces them, and this attracted Michael's romantic pursuit.”
“I mean, it doesn't hurt...” Lucifer rubbed the back of his neck and glanced out the window. “The smell isn't so overwhelming that it fogs the mind or anything like that. It's just really pleasant and gives me a sweet, honey feeling. He may have been initially drawn to the scent, and later they hit it off. I don't think Michael's the sort of angel to marry a lady just because she smells good.” Well, he certainly hoped not. It had been a few eons since he touched base with his siblings. They could all be bat-shit wacka-do by this point, and he wouldn't know. Those thoughts would stay locked up in his brain. Last thing Charlie needed was a fight between Alastor and Michael.
“Very well, I can accept that a pleasant smell would be an attractive quality in a mate. However... you mentioned a storm lord.”
“Oh, ah.” Lucifer nodded quickly, willing to change the subject of Michael's sanity. “Grandpa Alastor.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Your mother's father... your grandfather. Grandpa Alastor, Furbie. A bit of a temperamental guy, but he does his job properly, so I haven't had any reason to scold him.”
“Grandfather...” Alastor rubbed his head again and sighed. “My mother never knew her father. My grandmother married a farrier, but it was well known that the child in her stomach was not his. He was unable to produce his own line of children, and my grandmother was his 2nd wife, so he didn't put up a fuss about raising someone else's bastard.”
The dots began to connect for Lucifer. Alastor didn't know! Alastor had been going all super cannibal overlord without even knowing. Considering Alastor's own shenanigans... it was just a tad insane to do those sorts of things. Did their Moat Gator have a few nails loose in his head?
“No, I don't know, but it seems as if you do.”
“Oh, I figured it out during the kerfuffle with Lilith. Remember, I went all Super Angel and brought out my real form? Well, the side effect is that I can really SEE things. Ya know? When you were busy bonking my Ex, I was able to see into your genetics, so to speak. I could see your lines of power and how they connected, and from there, I was able to peek a little deeper and discovered Furbie genes lurking about. Cool right? I'd forgotten I could do that sort of thing. Not really kosher to go peeking into someone's genetic code. In fact, it's sorta rude, but it had been a long time since I'd gone all Righteous Hand of Dad, and my focus was scattering around like marbles on the floor. Sorry about the peeking, it wasn't intentional, and I did think you already knew, being the Radio Demon and all that. There's a huge familial connection that's really hard to miss when you put the puzzle together. I just...”
“Lucifer, stop.” Alastor held up his hand.
“Anyway, that's why you smell good... I think,” Lucifer quickly finished.
“First.” Alastor held up a finger, “My grandfather... Furbie...”
“That's not his government name.”
“Thank all that is unholy for that,” Alastor muttered. “Who is he, and why do you know of him?”
“Oh, Furbie is... wait. His real name is Furfur.”
“That's not much better...” Alastor sighed. “Go on.”
“He's Goetia, but fourth tier. Not a prince or duke. He's an earl. He's got some serious power over storms, because of that, he was given more legions than someone of the fourth tier usually has. His title is Lord of Lightning and Storms. He's a difficult sort of person. Gossip and secrets are his hobby. So you never really know where you stand with him. He has a tendency to blast people that annoy him. However, he likes to keep to himself, so there are long stretches of time between the blasting... mostly because people tend to forget how volatile storms can be. Then ZAP BAM KERSHOOK, annoying person, blasted. Honestly, he's got the smiting thing down to a science, and he's given me a few lessons! I'm a wonderful smiter because of him! He's so strong, Goetia of higher standing usually give him hella-respect. Oh! And he's a deer too... but with wings...” Lucifer held out his hands and fluttered them. Which... really should have been Lucifer's first clue.
“You have power over electrostatic... See the connection? Lightning manipulation and electrostatic manipulation are very similar. It also explains the eldritch thing you have. Furbie was one of the 88 original demons of Hell. The original 88 are all sorta eldritchy, because they got to experience Hell before rings were created... He can use shadows, too. Honestly, I've been super suspicious about how he gathers his intel, and I think it has something to do with his shadows, but I've never really felt all that motivated to look into it.”
Alastor sat back on the couch. His signature smile even slipped a bit. Lucifer took up his job of fan waving while Alastor processed.
“I do believe I am left with even more questions...” Alastor sighed.
“Well, if it's about how a Goetia and a human bumped uglies then that's simple. It's that stupid summoning book. He's in it. It's not the first time a child between a human and a Goetia was born. It's 100% not ok, and super against Hell's dubious moral code. However, every so often, a human will summon one of us for the purpose of procreation. They desperately want a child and turn to that book for help. Normally, we'd just glamour the poor woman and do something similar to artificial insemination with stored human seed. Even I've got a few vials of rando seed in my closet just in case.'
“I'm guessing, for some reason, Furbie forgot to keep some seed put aside and had to go the old-fashioned route. Not ok. I have to remember to scold him for that...”
“That wasn't my... how did Mother end up in Heaven and married to an archangel if her father is a demon?”
“Uh... good question. I know that birth is never a factor. You could be born to the worst person ever, but still be a good person and end up in Heaven. It goes both ways; you could be a child of a saint and end up down here.”
“How egalitarian...”
The door to Charlie's office opened after a quick perfunctory knock, and Vaggie popped her head in.
“Sir, Charlie wants us all to have a family meeting. She's ordered pizza for dinner, and she's planning on making announcements. She also wants to start planning a celebration party and a news release...”
“I forbid anyone, save myself, from announcing such fortuitous news!” Alastor stood up and straightened his clothes. He paused, eyeballing Lucifer and his coat. “I'll allow it for now. However, I do require it back.”
Nope. Lucifer grinned.
“We can circle around and discuss this more at a later time. For now, let us celebrate Charlie's success with pizza and party planning.”
“OK!” Lucifer tossed his paper fan on Charlie's desk and followed Alastor out of the room. He was keeping the coat.
Alastor did not let him keep the coat.
Notes:
EDIT: HA! How many of you guessed? I'm not sure how many fans know that the ars goetia is a real book about the lords of hell. Yes, Stollas and Andy are in it too! So is Stollas' Dad Paimon. A quick scan of all 88 demon lords and many names will look really familiar. I suggest giving it a google and a quick peek. It's just trival knowledge that fans of both shows can appreciate. Especially if you're into true crime and the witch hunts. You can fall down a rather deep rabbit hole researching, but that's what I do! I'm a historian certified BS and everything. I do the research so you can benefit by having Als granddaddy be mentioned in the ars goetia. Look up Fufur! REally! He's a deer with wings! Which made me cackle madly when I found him.
Just in case it's not clear, or if you haven't read the hints I've left in the comments... Lucifer calls Alastor's grandfather, Furbie. LOL This is not Grandpa Alastor's Government Name.
Chapter Text
Chapter 30
Parties were planned, brothers were kicked out of Hell, and trips to Heaven were put on the itinerary, but Lucifer was distracted. Dating the Radio Demon wasn't going well. Every time Lucifer tried to get Alastor to do something with him, there was always the excuse of being busy with the Hotel.
Boo.
Lucifer's Kidnap-the-Radio-Demon-to-Go-Play plan didn't go well either. Glenda had to bandage his arm. Alastor had BIT him! Nibblely deer!
To be fair, after Alastor had made the announcement of redemption on his radio program, there had been an influx of sinners interested in the hotel. There were more and more people sitting around in the public spaces of the hotel and Lucifer was not happy about it. Everyone just stared at him all the time. He had to go into incognito mode just to avoid all the people. Stupid people... just existing.
So Lucifer's interactions with Alastor were cut even more.
Alastor was his deer! He didn't want to share! Super Boo!
“Hey... is Short King ok?” Angel pointed to the sulking rabbit in a top hat who'd taken up a spot at the far corner of the bar and was working his way through all of Husker's drink garnishes. Piles of orange rinds and cherry stems littered the bar-top around the white fluff-ball. The fluff-ball noticed its mess and began to kick them over the side of the bar, aiming for the bar trashcan. He missed... a lot. Most of the trash ended up on the floor around the can.
“Ignore it.” Husk stood up and grabbed a broom and dust pan to finish the cleanup.
Angel cleared his throat. Something was obviously up with their little monarch.
“Ah... If certain duck-loving beings wanna talk, I'm free to listen,” Angel said loud enough that fluffy little rabbits could hear him from the other end of the bar. “Just sayin'.”
Lucifer's rabbit ears twitched, and he glanced up at Angel, but decided that he was being sneaky and didn't want to blow his cover. He hopped down the bar and peered over the edge, looking at what garnishes Husk had left. Lemons, limes, cocktail onions, and olives. Nothing really tasty, but he was still feeling snacky. He levitated the little tray of olives back to his spot in the corner. Super sneaky. No one beat him in sneakiness. And he got snacks. Sure, they weren't the best snacks, but all snacks were equal under the law, and Lucifer-bunny was determined to enjoy them all.
As a super sneaky being, he missed Angel's smirk.
“Oh, Hussssky!” Angel singsonged, batting his lashes and pursing his lips, “Since it's still early, I think I'll go with one of your Kitchen-Sink Bloody Marys. I want all the fixins too. Would that be possible? Yous got all the stuff?” Angel leaned over and gave Husk a good view of his chest fluff and fluttered all his eyes in an appealing manner. He was hot, he knew it, and wasn't beneath using his good looks to get special treatment from his favorite kitty.
“No sausage, and the shrimp is frozen, but I've got everything else.”
“That's good, make sure to add a bit extra... I like my drinks a bit extra.” Angel leaned over and ran his hand up Husk's arm. So soft. He'd started using the conditioner Angel bought him. The best-looking fluff took work.
“Fine.”
Husker pulled out a knife and began to sort through the refrigerator that was installed under the bar. Celery, jalapenos, pickles, cucumbers, cold cooked bacon, a boiled egg, and a container of cheese cubes were stacked on the counter. Husk was good at his job, and in a few short minutes, Angel had a drink that resembled a bouquet of bar garnishes. Skewers with stacked garnishes were sticking out around stalks of celery. It was very extra, even without the sausage and shrimp.
Angel didn't fail to notice that as Husk leaned over to give him the heavy drink, several ingredients that had been left out on the counter 'disappeared' to the other end of the bar. Mission: Feed Sad Fluffy Devil was a success.
He gave Husk a knowing insider smile and slowly sucked the end of a pickle. Husk grinned and shook his head, then he reached out and stole the celery right out of Angel's drink, biting into it with a crunch. Then he pulled a cardboard boat out and began to make a rose out of bacon.
Cheese! Cheese was 100% in S-tier snack category! Lucifer-bunny's ears were twitching happily. What luck that he decided to be a bar bunny at the same time Angel wanted a crazy drink! Good spider, gold stars.
He was super happy, until a fuzzy hand/paw snuck into his space. The container of cheese cubes was snatched! OH NO! SMITE!!!
Lucifer looked up at Husk. His fur was standing on end with the power of smite!
“Unless someone wants to go to the store this afternoon, I'm going to need at least half this cheese for the night shift.” Husk put down a small cardboard boat with cold bacon folded into a flower in front of Lucifer. Then he filled the boat with half the cheese in the cheese container. Then dropped a bunch of cucumbers, pickles, and celery into the boat too. He tucked two sliced boiled eggs into the side corners. Then he topped it off with a jalapeno.
Lucifer was pleased and decided not to smite today. He rather liked their taciturn bartender, and his fist-bumping buddy Angel would probably be upset if Lucifer-bunny smited Husk. Good bartender, gold stars all around. Even if Husker was against the idea of parrot straws, the bar was getting a Lucifer-Approved sign!
Lucifer was nose deep in eggies when a light cough echoed behind him.
ALASTOR!
Lucifer hopped up out of his snack boat and tried his best to look just like any other bar bunny in Hell. Innocent! He wasn't stealing snacks; they were given to him. He was an innocent bunny!
“You are covered with egg yolk, and you have cumber seeds sticking to your fur.”
Alastor waved his hand, and a dark red handkerchief manifested. He lightly wiped Lucifer's fur clean.
“There now.”
“Hey, Boss,” Husker greeted him. “Get you anything?”
“Good morning Husker, it's far too early for a nightcap; however, I would like to request one of those foul-tasting fizzy things.”
“They ain't so bad mixed with juice,” Angel commented, working his way through his breakfast drink. “Try it with cranberry juice and lemon-lime soda.”
“Wanna try it mixed, Boss?” Husk pulled a can of energy drink from the little fridge.
“Very well,” Alastor sat down at the bar with a sigh.
“Busy day?” Angel asked.
“I must admit that I am beginning to feel the strain. These past few weeks have been wonderful for the hotel, and I may have succumbed to Charlie's enthusiasm. However, I do believe I am beginning to feel a tad... overworked. Getting the hotel prepared for our Heavenly visitors, as well as the celebration party, is a real challenge. I've had to 'cut off' an entire segment of the hotel and place it into a pocket dimension so that the little angels don't feel uncomfortable.'
“The unicorns are especially excited and have been very helpful; they're particularly sensitive to 'bad vibes', as they call it. They'll be wandering through the hotel to 'clean the air' as they say. Don't touch them, they bite. I've recently shown them how to work the elevator. So take precautions.”
“Vags mentioned they were walkin' air purifiers. Might want to send out a text to the hotel, no touchy. Someone's likely to lose a limb to the pretty ponies.”
“There is nothing for it but to push through.” Alastor put both his hands on the small of his back and stretched. There was a loud pop, and he sighed. “However, if it remains this busy, I'll have to place advertisements for more staff.”
Ah. Hell's Magic Pressure. If you weren't used to it, the feeling of the magic holding Hell together could cause some real discomfort. Archangels couldn't feel it, and battle angels were fairly immune, but normal everyday angels would constantly feel as if their clothes were far too tight and itchy. Putting the rooms where the angels would rest in a pocket dimension was a smart idea. It would give their visitors a space where they could decompress and relax without all the discomfort of being in Hell.
But Lucifer was a little miffed. Why hadn't anyone asked him? He had a huge ass closet and could whip up pocket dimensions too. Alastor wasn't the only one at the hotel with the magical umpf to do it. He could have helped! Then they could have gone out to play! Stupid deer. Stupid dumb deer. Lucifer-bunny contemplated biting Alastor.
“Red, yous gotta take some time for yourself, else you'll get burnout.”
No, stupid deers needed to spend time with Lucifers!
“I'm not as weak as all that,” Alastor took a sip of the drink Husk passed him. “This is still foul.”
“But it's better than before,” Angel stated.
“If the metric is just trying to ingest this poison before the taste kills you, then yes.”
“It's about not being weak or not being weak. Burnout can happen to us all.”
“Either way,” Alastor grimaced at the drink, elongated his jaw, and tossed the entire thing back. “Today is the day I've earmarked for errands. Does the bar require anything? I am going to visit our suppliers and adjust our orders. I've calculated that the hotel has had a 15% increase in its consumable goods. Would you say that the figure stands true for the bar as well?”
“Well, business has increased. Ya. It's not to the point where we're running out of things, but I've noticed we had to put in our supply order early the last two times,” Husk answered.
“I'll have the supplies increased. Do pay attention and make a list. We are in a state of transition, so the more data you can provide, the easier this transition will be.”
“Pay attention to the stuff we get low on or don't use, got it, Boss.”
“Wonderful. Charlie wants to introduce special drink nights. I've suggested that perhaps right now would not be the ideal time. Would you agree?”
“Special drinks... Depends on the drink. Margaritas are really easy to make in batches. Things like that,” Husker pointed to Angel's bloody mary, “will take more manpower and planning.”
“Ah, so you would be amenable to these batch drinks. I will inform Charlie that the idea is mildly feasible. I will require you to give me a list of items needed to make batches of drink for roughly 100 servings.”
“100? We don't have that many at the hotel,” Angel commented.
“No, but I am assuming that more than one beverage will be consumed during these special nights.”
“Batch margaritas... we could get a slushie machine and whatever is leftover can be served as frozen drinks later. There will be no waste.” Husk turned and eyed the bar, trying to find a good spot for a slushie machine.
“We must pay attention to the aesthetics. Such machines are noisy and bulky.”
“We can hide it behind a bit of wall and have access to the machine from the back room. Take out these shelves here, put in some drainage...”
Husk and Alastor talked renovations and possible changes to the bar. Lucifer blinked slowly.
STUPID DEER!
Lucifer huffed. Then pointed both his ears at the wall.
The changes to the bar were nearly instantaneous. A brand new slushie machine with proper drainage and access from the back was suddenly in place.
MOAT GATOR MARGARITAS was brightly lit up in green neon above the new machine. Certifiably Silly! Pay Attention to Me! Dumb Deers Don't Ask for Assistance! Signs were placed around it as secondary advertisements.
“Well, that works...” Angel commented while Husk and Alastor stared at the fluffy bunny in the corner.
Certain fluffy bunnys were not in a good mood, so they decided to take their snack boat and leave. Stupid... stupid heads.
Notes:
I sorta like bar bunny luci stealing bar snacks.
Chapter 33
Summary:
Lucifer gets a job!
Notes:
While this chapter is done, I may still go back and edit it a bit later. While writing this I was feeling that it didn't need to be included in the story. But I talked myself into the ducks bc Alastor is a workaholic, and to get him to go out and date at such a busy time would require him to have time. So next chapter they actually go out!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 31
Lucifer had been asked to join Charlie and Alastor shortly after he'd finished eating his snack boat. Well, asked was stretching it. Echo had burst into his room, plucked him up off Sir Drake, and carried him and Poppet Charlie to their newly scheduled meeting. Poppet Cuddle Time had been interrupted. Lucifer was just a tad miffed, but not at Echo. At the situation in general. He couldn't be mad at Charlie either.
He was trying to be understanding. She was super busy; everyone was. Not having time for him was understandable, but it was still frustrating. He splooted on Charlie's white guest chair and pretended to blend in with the tweed fabric. He felt the postilion conveyed his upset in a succinct manner. He was upset, so he was a splooty bunny.
“I'm sorry, Dad, I just didn't think. It's my fault.” Charlie rushed to begin with an apology.
“To be fair to our daughter...”
“She's my daughter.” Lucifer lifted his head and argued with his favorite deer.
“We believed you were dealing with the Hell situation.” Alastor waved his hand in the air. “Being Kingly and whatnot.”
Lucifer-bunny was facing his daughter and their Moat Gator while holding Poppet Charlie to his fluffy tummy. They were having a 'family meeting' just for them. He did enjoy a good family meeting, but there were some issues to work on. He could be a good bunny! He would share his grievance just like Sharlanda told him to.
“When have I ever tried to do my job properly?” Lucifer huffed into Poppet Charlie. “I'm terrible at the politics and all the paperwork that goes with it. I'm just winging this thing most of the time.”
“Riiiiight, we will circle back to that later,” Charlie lifted an imaginary box and placed it to the side.
“I've got all this cosmic power; if something isn't working, I just smack it with a shoe until the nail pops into place.”
“Sire...” Alastor sighed. “If you treat everything like a nail, you are going to end up missing the screws.”
“Annnnywaaay,” Charlie interrupted. “I'm sorry that you didn't feel included. I'll do better. It was silly of me. The rest of us have been overworking ourselves instead of asking for help. We will go forward with a new mentality.'
“Dad, how do you feel about being a real part of the hotel. So far, I think I can break down our duties.” Charlie whipped out her notebook and flipped to a page. Little doodles of unicorns eating ice cream were decorating the margins. If one of those ice creams looked like an arm... well... unicorns did bite. Charlie was a good artist... really!
“So I've broken it down like this...'
“Floor managers, this is a management position that features interacting with the public. Our public face. Alastor and I mostly take on these duties.'
“Now there's also executive manager. This is management that handles the day-to-day processes of the hotel. Finances and ordering. I mostly handle the finances, and Alastor does the ordering.'
“Vaggie and Alastor do maintenance management. You'll note that Alastor is involved heavily with all three. I want to lessen his burden.”
“No, need dear.” Alastor gave her a kind look and templed his fingers over his lap. Lucifer was super tempted to hop into that lap and stick his head into the ^ his hands made.
“I think there is a need. We have more people now, and we are going to have to hire more staff. This means we will need a permanent staffing manager. A PR person. You. You've been doing this from the beginning, but I hesitate to add more to your already full plate. Soooo,” She tapped her notebook.
“I propose that Dad takes on maintenance management, freeing you and Vaggie to work in other areas.”
Management? He'd be an actual participating member of the hotel? His baby's hotel? His ears twitched in interest. That sounded like more fun than stupid dumb paperwork on the shortage of Wrath tomatoes.
“I'm not so certain about that...” Alastor hedged.
“What do I need to do?” Lucifer moved Poppet Charlie and gave his daughter good eye contact. This bunny was super reliable... honest. He'd done a good job on the kitchen and the laundry.
“Maintenance. Light goes out, change the bulb. Toilet clogged, unclog it. Someone blew a hole in the wall; it will be your job to fix it. I figured since you helped build it, you would know how to fix it if something broke.”
Lucifer nodded. This was something he could do! HECK YA! His baby wanted... no, NEEDED his help, and he was just the bunny to tackle it!
“Dad, you can follow Alastor around to learn what he does.” She nodded at Alastor.
Alastor cleared his throat, “My morning maintenance duties are typically as follows: fetching Niffty out of the plumbing. Check the wall. Test the wards, fix any weak areas from attacks that may have occurred during the night. Trim the hedges, salt the lawn, do a quick polish of the exterior of the hotel, clean up any blood splatter and gore, if there are limbs left behind I make sure to carefully clean, prep, and freeze them, sound check for Voxtech cameras, shoot down the drones, then I make coffee in the morning and enjoy a hearty breakfast.”
Uh... alright. Lucifer-bunny should probably take notes, but that was more of a Jeremy thing. Make a note to take notes!
“Mid-morning is when I circle around to guest maintenance. Broken beds are frequent. I've taken to reinforcing certain guest accommodations to lessen the burden of continued maintenance. This afternoon, I am due to replace Luke's bed with a large in-ground pool in which they will rest. We will have to be certain to maintain the proper water salinity to avoid algae and gill rot. My errand for today is to acquire a proper fish tank testing equipment for our more aquatic clients.'
“I've also got a maintenance request from Hooper. They wish to speak to me about putting a suite in the basement. The hellshine harms their eyes. I am more inclined to black out their windows, but we shall see.”
“I'd rather not have guests in the basement if it can be avoided,” Charlie added.
“I concur, my dear.” Alastor slightly nodded his head.
“Why don't we want people in the basement?” Lucifer asked.
“Noise,” Charlie answered.
“Aesthetics,” Alastor stated.
“The basement is super noisy. The water-heater and the laundry are down there, and it can get loud.” Charlie gave Alastor a confused look.
“It's not a good look to shove guests into basements. We are better than that.” Alastor rubbed his nails against his jacket and inspected them.
“Right...” Charlie sighed. “About your daily tasks...”
“Yes?” Alastor tilted his head and swiveled his ears. Damned adorable little deer. So cute!
“I know you secretly enjoy fishing Niffty out of the plumbing, so I think we can leave that to you.” She gave him an amused smile, her eyes crinkling up at the corners.
“I do enjoy early morning fishing. A relaxing way to begin a day.”
Lucifer loved fishing! Especially as a shark! Maybe they could go together! Date Idea #7: Fishing At the Beach! Nuna nuna nuna Ahhh Megaodon-Lucifer Runn! AHHHhhhh!
“Uhhh,” Charlie glanced at the ceiling and was holding back a cough. Poor thing! Lucifer hastily poofed her a cough drop. That wasn't enough! He poofed an entire bag into her lap.
Charlie finished coughing and cleared her throat. She unwrapped a cough drop and popped it in her mouth.
“Asf I Fus.” She paused and moved the cough drop, clicking it against her teeth. “As I was also saying, I think Alastor should continue doing his own um... meal prep.”
“My pleasure, my dear.”
“I can do it.” Lucifer's ears popped up. He'd be the best, most helpful bunny! “I mean, I'll be cleaning the outside of the building anyway...” Charlie began to look at him like she doubted he could do it, but he could do it! “I'm sorta really good at it! There was this whole cannibal sacrifice thing going on in the 80s... oh, uh, that was the 1080s. It was very trendy!” Yup, see... credentials were important for jobs! He probably had his Merit of the Golden Dagger somewhere as proof. He tended to keep all his certifications. Oh, it was likely stashed with his license to kill and his early childhood education degree. He had to keep it currentish to keep his butcher's certification, so he updated it every so often.
“DAD!” Charlie gasped.
“Well, well.” Alastor laughed.
“It's fine Char, all my limbs grow back! Like a starfish? No, that's not right... But I do have a lot of clones.... huh.”
“Wait, you were the sacrifice? No, nope, don't wanna know,” Charlie shook her head and held up her hands.
“Well, eating sinners isn't cannibalism for me, being an Angel and all that. So to stay trendy, I had to adapt. My thighs are rather tasty if I do say so myself. Though I don't like the taste of hoofs. I just buried those in the garden. Maybe that's why the flora went a bit wonky? Did you know Zappy Apples were created in the palace gardens? They give you a real ZAP when you bite into them. It would explain their gold color too...” Lucifer pondered if he'd made a little oopsy centuries ago.
“Sire, I would recommend not leaving... your appendages lying about in future. Like one does with lizard tails, they are best tossed straight in the fire, or eaten if one is so inclined.”
Alastor might have a very tiny, small, minuscule point about that. Dang.
“Ok, I need a moment to add that to my core memories. Hold on.” Lucifer held up an ear and closed his eyes.
There were some ways to manipulate a memory cleanse. Well, as far as he knew, he was the only one who could do any of the methods, but that didn't matter. Using one of the methods... #32 was the last used so this time he'd used method #33. He added this little tidbit of advice so he wouldn't be leaving bits of himself around in the future. Good to know, Good habit to keep... like brushing your teeth.
“Dad?”
“Yes?” He looked at her.
“What was thaaat?” She waved her hand at him.
“Ohhh, uh... It's a note for future me. No worries!” He gave her a frantic body wiggle and nose waggle. Sitting back, paws in the air, he was just great!
Charlie smirked and shook her head, then she picked up her notebook.
“I'll leave it to the two of you to work out your training schedule. I have a mock-up of a help wanted notice and a list,” she pulled the papers out of her notebook. “Can you go over them? Go ahead and add any other staff you think we need. It's best we get core positions in place, so I split my list into A group and B group. If you want to shift them around a bit in priority, that's not a problem either.”
Alastor scanned her notes. Lucifer tried to peek, but was too small in bunny form to get a look. Stupidly tall deer.
“Ah, some of these can be handled by an agency. Laundress, for instance, is not a position that requires permanent residence. However, Niffty does need the assistance, even if the poor dear says nothing. A resident cook is another matter. Yes, a very well put-together list. Good job, my dear.” Alastor leaned over and gave her a quick pat on the shoulder.
No fair! Lucifer was a good bunny! He wanted pets!
Lucifer stared hard at Alastor's wonderful hands. Mine! I want pets!
Both Charlie and Alastor had a fit of coughing. Were they getting sick? Oh, no! Lucifer would make chicken soup for dinner. He had to make sure his family was healthy, and it was his turn on dinner rotation anyway.
“Yes, well, no time like the present, right Sire?” Alastor grinned and reached over to pluck him up out of his chair.
WEEE!
“I have errands to run, let us begin our training,” Alastor hugged Lucifer to his chest and got him nestled into the crook of his arm. … … Facing the elbow! The heck? He couldn't see! Lucifer wiggled and floppled around until he got situated in the correct direction. Then he gave Alastor's coat a nibble in revenge.
“Dad, don't eat Alastor...” Charlie laughed and gave him ear scritches. She was the best daughter ever!
In the hall, Lucifer wavered between happiness at being able to be closer to Alastor to now that they were co-workers, did that mean it was unethical to date? By the time they reached Niffty, Lucifer had decided that he was the Devil, he could bend ethics a little bit... a smoodge. Pleased as a piranha, he was happy about spending time with Alastor. No ethical quandaries here... nope. Especially, since Alastor thought it was more convenient to carry Lucifer-bunny around the hotel.
So he was right at chest height to a Radio Demon when he spotted the white half-pillar with the spotlight.
Oh, wow, look at that, a diorama of Devil-Lucifer pointing at a beat-up Adam in the media of large black cockroaches. Very... modern? Yes, that's what polite people say when they really have no clue about the art. Someone had given the diorama a white marbled plinth and had placed it directly beside the mop closet.
“Niffty, dear,” Alastor stepped up to the cleaning closet where the tiny maid was dumping mop water down a floor drain. The bucket was larger than she was, but that didn't seem to deter her.
“Alastor...” Niffty turned and glared at Alastor, maybe? It was hard to tell with her having just the one eye, but the tone of her cheery voice was just a tad too cheery and made Lucifer's brain go Uh Oh.
“Do you have a moment?”
“I suppose,” she shrugged and stopped dumping the water. She then scurried up to both of them.
“Charlie and I are in agreement that with the influx of new permanent guests and with more temporary angelic guests, we will be hiring for a part-time laundress with the possibility of full employ and benefits. You are now head housekeeper and manager of all further cleaning staff. We can discuss increased remuneration once the first cycle of angelic guests leaves. I would also like your input on further hires after our first test run. I am fully aware you are capable of all tasks; however, I fear that with an increased workload load you'll have less time for your exterminations and hobbies. We do rather think you're hobbies are what make you so wonderful, and we never want to dampen a creative spirit!”
Alastor beamed at Niffty, and canned radio applause echoed around them.
“Ok,” She nodded, then pointedly stopped looking at Alastor.
There was a long pregnant pause. The light in the closet flicked once.
It was so uncomfortable! And Lucifer was stuck in the middle of the tension. Not fair! Dust off those social skills.
“So, huh, Nifft-ty,” Lucifer began, but he stuttered a bit when her glare turned on him. Was she glaring? He couldn't tell! She was scary!
“Yes?”
“Uh, so um, how long was the longest time you've spent in the plumbing?” Ya, there. Great job, social butterfly-bunny Lucifer. Hoozah.
“Oh, I was stuck three days. Alastor went on vacation. I switched Angel Dust's bleaching shampoo with Alastor's Fluff and Fur all-in-one wash. His color faded until he was mauve. That's a dye job,” Niffty pointed at Alastor's head.
Mayday! Mayday! Batten down the hatches! They were in the swamp and sinking! Alastor was in Trouble with a capital T! Ohhhh, she's mad. He double and triple-checked her hands for holy weapons.
“Niffty dear, I am getting the sense that you may be upset with me. Whatever have I done to offend?” Alastor pulled Lucifer a little closer to his chest. Was he getting ready to bolt? Smart move. No one wanted to be around an upset Niffty. They might find themselves at the wrong end of a pointy object.
“There are horses walking up and down the halls, Alastor. Horses! Horses are dirty!” She placed both her hands on her hips.
“They are unicorns. Very clean, I can assure you.”
“Outside, they are clean outside. Do you know the sort of dirt horses track on their feet? And you've told them to go running up and down the halls for exercise! I am very upset!”
Alastor blinked one eye, then the other. Lucifer rather thought he'd just glitched out. Social butterfly-bunny Lucifer to the rescue.
“They are cleaning the air, Niffty.”
“They are cleaning?” Niffty suddenly blinked, and it wasn't until that moment that Lucifer realized she hadn't blinked the entire time she glared at Alastor. A-1 tier glare.
“We're getting some angelic guests soon, right? Hell sorta stinks? I mean, we don't normally smell it because we live here, but for people who just come down for the first time, it's a lot. So the unicorns are cleaning the air so the hotel doesn't smell so bad.”
Niffty gave Lucifer a look. Sorta, maybe. It was just really hard to tell!
“Angel showed me a video of cats riding vacuum drones, he said they were called Roombas.”
“We will acquire one for each floor, dear.” Alastor negotiated instantly.
“I want two on each floor, and I want Bad Boy to make me a duckie assistant. I don't want someone else getting their dirt all over my clean sheets.”
“Sure,” Lucifer shrugged and decided that hands would probably be useful in the new duckie designing process. He hopped out of Alastor's arms, and before he touched the floor, he was normal Lucifer, King of Hell, ta-da. Oh... he was in his duckie onesie. Oops. A quick wardrobe change and... Tada again!
A clean sketch pad and a pencil poofed into his hands. He gave the cover of the pad a unicorn motif because he was feeling like today would be a magical, creative sort of day.
“Oh! Oh! Can I change its outfits? Niffty had climbed his lapels and was sitting on his shoulder. Lucifer paused in his engineering design of a magical all-in-one floor cleaning duck.
Huh. A duck that could change its paint? No, that likely wasn't what Niffty had in mind.
“You want to dress it like a doll?” Lucifer asked.
“Yep, and I want a French maid with the ruff hat, and a Victorian maid with the cap, and I want a poodle skirt with an apron and matching top. Oh, and fabulous hair and a lovely set of pearls...”
Lucifer wrote it all down diligently in the margins of the sketch.
“I think I can work out little slip-on silicone outfits.”
“Great!”
Lucifer's first Rubba Duck of the day was sketched out. He may have gotten the inspiration for the name from Niffty's little floor cleaner robots, Roomba, Rubba... same thing. Right? Right. Maid Rubba Duck would clean floors and windows, do laundry, and keep track of linens and cleaning supplies. Taking an additional burden off of Alastor and saving him time from having to put out a wanted notice for laundry help.
And that gave Lucifer an idea. If he wanted to spend even more time with Alastor, the easiest way to do that was to free up Alastor's time. Rubba Ducks would be helpful in other places in Alastor's life. But Lucifer had to be sneaky about it. He couldn't just give Alastor a bunch of assistant Rubba Ducks. He'd just take on more work! Lucifer had to make all the Rubba Ducks tertiary to Alastor's own duties. Sneaky helpers! Made by Lucifer because he was the sneaky king!
After hard negotiations with Niffty, Alastor walked around the hotel talking about his duties as the hotel's hotelier.
Lucifer doodled on his pad, taking notes in the margins as Alastor explained how he walked property every morning, checking for snackable bits of blown-up sinners. Lucifer had placed wards around the hotel, of course, but he hadn't done so much for the property itself. Alastor had that covered. Echo followed along behind them, making a game out of knocking the little flying robots out of the sky.
“So we don't want those...” Lucifer pointed to the machine Echo was ripping apart. A little psychopathic destruction of property was good for the soul.
“No Sire, they are equipped with cameras for spying. Our hotel prides itself on being a safe place to explore personal growth. We take our guests' privacy very seriously. The wards blow up any near-do-wells based on their intentions for the same reason.”
“Your wards can determine intentions? That's some real skill! Amazing. Here,” Lucifer flipped his sketch pad to a new page and passed it to Alastor. “What sigils and workings did you use for specifying intent?” So cool! Their moat gator was the best of the best!
Alastor quickly outlined his process, and Lucifer was even more impressed! His heart nearly burst out of his chest! His magic may have set off a few random fireworks out of pure wonder and glee. Echo ran around gathering up bits of drones that may or may not have been blown up by his fireworks display. Wasn't him! He really liked the boom boom ones that drizzled glitter in a fizzy sort of sparkle.
“This is beautiful! Look at those lines! They're perfectly drawn, without a compass even! You switched out the earth core for an air one and... WOW! This is just... bravo!” BOOOM Booom SHUUUfizzzzzz.
“Your compliments are much appreciated, Sire. I must say I did spend a great many nights working on this little project.”
“It's great!” Lucifer beamed at him. “You get an entire bucket of gold stars!” And more fun fireworks! How pretty!
“Well, yes, thank you. However, I did come up against a wall when it came to these electronic gadgets.” He pointed to a very dead drone. “They don't carry intent as they are objects, not people, but I can still sense their interference with my frequencies and blast them out of the sky.”
“Echo seems to enjoy the game.” Echo was shadow stalking one of the drones. It was hovering just across the property line. Whoever was controlling the things new where the boundaries were, they were just choosing to ignore them.
“It's no game, Sire. That is its job specifically. Though I gather it is now yours. Perhaps you can figure out a way to interpret remote intent.”
That was a tricky puzzle. Maybe something that zapped whoever was controlling the thing every time it crossed the boundary? But that wouldn't fix the physical drone still being on the property. Unless he zapped the drone too? But Lucifer was mentally running into the same issue as Alastor. How to interpret intent. Electronics were tricky. Hotel residents would likely be upset if he blew up their cells. Maybe put wards on all the electronics in the building? Like what Alastor did with the TV, then Lucifer could place a blow-em-up ward against unauthorized electrical things. That might take more effort than taking Echo for a walk/hunt every morning.
“Now I checked the hotel this morning and have already done the clean up, but allow me to show you what I do.”
Alastor led him on a walk around the hotel. Every so often, he'd tap his microphone on the ground, and his magic did a quick clean up of the area. It had a similar effect of taking a power washer to the entire area. The bricks looked just a tad bit shinier than they had a moment before. So neat and clean!
Lucifer followed Alastor to the kitchen after the cleanup of the drones. All the trash was tossed unceremoniously into the incinerator. A great blue woosh went up into the sky once it was lit. How strange, but suspicious things must be tossed directly into the fire.
It wasn't his fault he got a bit distracted by the pretty blue fire...
Whamp!
Alastor lightly thumped his head, then waved his microphone at the red-themed section of the pantry.
OH! Pay attention, Lucifer! Focus.
“You should be fairly familiar with this setup up as you, Sire, were the one who created it. All knives and cookware that are used on sinner flesh are color-coded red. Once the meat is properly prepared, you use this red-checked butcher paper and put it into my red refrigerator.”
“That's simple enough.”
“Ah, yes. Seems so, but the kitchen is fairly hopping these days. Sometimes it's hard to find proper counter space with everyone trying to cook. However, a surefire way to clear the room is to begin a dismemberment. Just plop the body part down on whatever clear space you find. Sooner or later, you'll be able to work in peace.”
“More people are using the kitchen?”
“With more guests, there are more people who choose to use the kitchen, yes. Not everyone is content with sugar cereal in the morning. It's the reason why Charlie wishes for a resident cook. There are just too many people who want to use the kitchen. Dinner is usually a group meal, but everyone is really scattered during breakfast and lunch, so they cook at different times.”
“Oh...” Lucifer nodded. Ok. He hadn't really noticed an influx of people in the kitchen, not like with the bar, but he could see how and why it was happening. “That doesn't seem like a real solution. I mean? Are you and Charlie planning on having the cook make things to order, or just sorta...” Lucifer waved his hand.
“Group meals would be ideal, but not everyone eats at the same time. Not everyone can do a stasis spell, Sire. We must consider food spoilage and waste.”
“What if the stasis spell wasn't on the food?”
Alastor's ears twitched, and he hummed in thought.
“You would put the spell on the plates? Certainly, an idea worth consideration.”
“Maybe not the plates, but the serving dishes. You fill up a large bowl with eggs and just leave them out for people to grab whenever. You could do the same with biscuits and gravy. Like a buffet. OH! A BUFFET! Hotels typically have those right?” Lucifer looked up at Alastor and blinked. He was pretty sure human hotels had those. Or maybe Alastor was too old to remember? Sometimes time got away from Lucifer and he had to relearn was was normal and typical. Always having to relearn things was exhausting so he procrastinated. Every so often he'd embarrass himself, but he was a tough devil and could handle a little bit of social embarrassment. Just a little.
“I do believe continental or cold breakfasts are an amenity in many hotels.”
Lucifer nodded quickly and looked around in appreciation of the cozy kitchen atmosphere. He began to doodle in his notebook. Ideas were just coming one after the other today.
“Ok, it's great so many people like the kitchen... But...” Lucifer walked to the kitchen sink and pointed to the stack of dirty coffee cups and other assorted dishes left in the sink. Niffty would have a fit when she discovered the mess. Gross. Not everyone was neat and tidy, and it would be a pain in the ass to have to clean up after other people every time he wanted pancakes. “This isn't ok. So what if we have a buffet bar in the dining area against the far wall? We can put a stasis spell on the buffet, and we just add food to it whenever someone cooks! Make too many pancakes? Toss them on the bar for others to enjoy whenever. It would fix the spoilage and waste problem because nothing will ever go bad!” Lucifer waved his hands in the air in excitement.
“You'd make it so that the food won't go bad? If you are certain it's possible, then that would be a great help with the problem we are facing feeding everyone.”
Lucifer grinned up at him. He loved being helpful, and he was going to be the most helpful helper his baby girl had! A byproduct would be a socially free deer demon! If he was lucky, maybe he'd get good job pats.
Huzzah!
Notes:
Lucifer loves being helpful the most! But honestly, Angel loses his shit in the next chapter because of the ducks. He nearly double dies laughing so hard. Poor Luci can't keep calling them Rubbas.
Chapter 34
Summary:
It's a date! I really hope you like Alastor being a bit silly!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Chapter 32
The Rubbas were a huge hit!
But he'd been told he wasn't allowed to call them Rubbas anymore.
Angel had nearly double-died from laughter when he heard the name, and Charlie hadn't been amused to learn he'd accidentally named his new creations after condoms. So they were now called Hellper Ducks. They weren't sentient like Glenda or Jeremy, but were fully automated robots that synced with a smart device.
Niffty and her Cleaning Hellper Duck zoomed by his feet, vacuuming the floor with super speed. The little silicone maid's ruff pressed flat to its head with the speed it was zooming about. Niffty stood on its back and cackled, leading the charge with her feather duster. Oh dear. Her Danger-O-Meter just went up.
The Kitchen Hellper Duck was the most popular. It automatically filled and emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the ovens and other surfaces. It organized the pantry and kept track of consumable goods. It also acted as sous chef to anyone who was cooking. Any extra food went to the Magical Buffet™, which was also maintained by the Kitchen Hellper Duck.
The buffet was also a big hit. Sorta. Turned out not everyone could cook, and sometimes some really suspicious things ended up on the buffet. They would have to discuss adding a new color-coded theme for food items cooked with bugs.
They'd had a bit of a kerfuffle the first time Alastor took to cooking with his specialized meat. Alastor had thankfully stopped the little robot from adding his leftover sinner etouffée to the buffet. Lucifer had to program the little thing to recognize that the food cooked in the specialized red pans was not to be sent to the buffet. They should probably do the same thing for the more... buggier... cuisine.
The Maintenance Hellper Duck... Blast if Lucifer hadn't engineered himself out of his new job. Dumb move in hindsight. The Maintenance Hellper Duck took care of most of the minor maintenance problems of the hotel. Everything from light bulbs to water heaters was covered. The best part was that guests could access an app and place requests. No need for anyone to be bothering Lucifer. The bigger things were passed on to him via Alastor and his complaint desk, and there weren't many people willing to go to the Radio Demon to complain. Lucifer was back to being a bit of a lazy bum; his only real daily task was checking the wards and cleaning up the front of the hotel.
Still! It was overall a good thing.
Why?
Because Alastor now had more free time!
Alastor rounded the corner with two mugs of afternoon coffee. He paused a moment to let the Cleaning Hellper Duck whiz by before passing Lucifer his coffee. Lucifer beamed at his special mug. Alastor's coffee was the best.
“Thank you!” Lucifer smiled over the rim of his cup.
“Angel told me you wish to go on an excursion.” Alastor tapped the side of his mug and hummed. His ears were flicking, and the back of his coat was flapping in a rhythmic manner. Sweet little deer was happy. Those were happy flicks, and the coat flapping was 100% a happy tail! Ok, Lucifer, be cool. Chill. Be suave. Don't screw this up by acting too eager.
“I am! I'm super excited. It's bound to be a blast! See!” Lucifer pulled out his phone and showed Alastor the colorful advertisement. “Angel helped me buy the tickets! You can do it on your phone now, but I think I want a real ticket for my memory box. Do you think they'll give me a real ticket if I ask?” Lucifer looked up at him.
“I do not know. If a memory is what you wish to preserve, maybe you can purchase an item from the venue.” Alastor leaned over Lucifer's phone and tapped the picture. “This does look rather exciting. Are you taking Charlie or perhaps Angel?”
“Nope!” Lucifer beamed. “I'm taking you! I think you'd appreciate the showmanship if nothing else.”
“A bit of mayhem and carnage as well as a show? Of course I'll accompany you.”
“Really? You'll go?” Lucifer's chest began to do a conga. Doo doo doo doo doo do.
“It seems like an enjoyable outing. However, are you going as King Lucifer or in a disguise? I am very recognizable, I'm afraid. Disguises are no good when you have antlers as grand as mine.” He waved his hand up near his antlers in a flourish. He even lowered his head a bit so they caught the light just right, making them shine like polished obsidian. Lucifer thought his antlers were very pretty, worthy to be stashed among his rock collection.
Not so shiny that it was gaudy... no Alastor had more class than that. He had beautiful antlers that shone even while being matte. As the Sin of Pride, Lucifer could relate to the self-praise. Never say Lucifer wasn't a vain bird. He rocked! Well, when he wasn't under a crippling amount of stress and depression, he rocked. He just hoped that Alastor thought he rocked. Would Alastor like to see his rock collection?
“Oh!” Lucifer shook himself from his shiny-induced trance. Alastor was smirking at him, waiting for Lucifer to pick up his side of the conversation. He was humming pleasantly while tilting his head from side to side, really showing off his rack. “Right! Disguises... no need really. I'll just smite anyone who tries to bother me. Feel like a snack?”
“Thank you for the offer. If circumstances deem it necessary, I would appreciate it.”
“I got VIP tickets, so we shouldn't have to deal too much with the crowd. See?” Lucifer tapped on his phone and showed Alastor the 'tickets' with the large QVC code that was centered on the page. “Angel said they were box seats and that they serve dinner during the show. He couldn't figure out how to find out what they are serving, though. Should we pack something or just hope for the best?”
“If the meal is unsatisfactory, we might enjoy a good 24-hour diner. Eggs and bacon at midnight is quite the special treat.”
“Ohhh! And diners have pancakes! Great idea!”
Honestly, a better plan than what Lucifer had been thinking for after the show. Even if dinner wasn't a bust, enjoying some questionable late-night coffee with Alastor at a seedy diner sounded amazing.
Or...
“Or...” Lucifer hesitated a bit. Then showed Alastor the second half of the flyer. “The first part of the show is Amateur Night. Technically, that part of the show is free and is not really part of the main event. I was sorta thinking about showing up for the first half as well... but you have to sign up as a pair.” Lucifer peaked up at Alastor's face, trying to gauge his reaction. “What do you think about having Parker whip us up some outfits?”
Alastor glanced at the page. He looked up, eyes twinkling.
“Sign me up.”
Oh, this was going to be fun.
Lucifer was super excited! Alastor looked damned amazing! Mouthwatering sexy. HOT! He was sorta surprised the deer had agreed to wear the costume Parker had made. It certainly fit all of Alastor's criteria, but Parker had really pushed some boundaries. He was likely still upset about Lucifer's top hat. HA! Revenge!
But Alastor wore the outfit with grace, and damn if it didn't make Lucifer want to beg the man to have a long cuddle sesh.
Alastor's criteria were that the outfit must be red, cover his body entirely, and be tailored so that his tail wasn't exposed.
Parker, the merry prankster, had made Alastor a devil costume. A dark red leather body suit that covered Alastor from neck to ankles. Even his short boots matched. Around his hips was a thick red rhinestone belt that mimicked a spaded devil's tail wrapped around his waist. Alastor's mask covered his face fully, the 'devil horns' at the top of his mask hollowed out enough to comfortably fit his ears and antlers. You wouldn't think someone covered head to hoof in would be hot, but damn. Alastor was hiding one hell of a body under all that impeccable tailoring.
Alastor's eyes flicked to Lucifer, and he let out a snort. Ok, so perhaps Parker might have been a bit miffed with Lucifer too. Lucifer's costume wasn't nearly as sexy or hot. Lucifer glanced down. Yeah... not sexy... but it was cute! So that was a plus.
Lucifer had on a bright marigold yellow body suit. His only went down to his knees before his bright pink boots took over. The boots matched the pink leather ruffle that made Lucifer's hips look wider, with the back having two layers of yellow ruffle under the pink to make his behind really stick out. Long pink leather gloves met the yellow suit just at his elbows.
His mask was a full one, like Alastor's, but in yellow and pink. The leather was formed so that the area around his face resembled an abstract avian beak. A cape made of bright yellow feathers fell over his shoulders and really made Lucifer look like a mash-up of a leather dom, with a duckie ballerina fetish. Lucifer had asked for something duckie-themed, but he wasn't expecting this. Parker had put him in a yellow and pink leather duckie ballerina costume.
Whatever Lucifer had done to offend his tailor, he really needed to do something to make up for it. Lucifer silently promised to gift Parker the new sewing scissors he'd been eyeballing.
A small orange man in a green tuxedo approached them. “The two of you need to go to A4 hall. We have 6 groups. Round robin, you guys are supposed to be the heels for this match, but, well... see what you can do.” The man sighed. “Your opponents are regulars, even though they pulled the face side this round, the public likes to hate on them. Play it up for a show. Try not to get too political, eh? That's never fun. Just pound their faces into the mat.”
“Sure, can do!” Lucifer gave the man a thumbs-up.
“Right, good luck. A4 is in that direction, there are signs.” The man pointed above Lucifer's head. Indeed, there were signs. Even he would have a hard time getting turned around.
Alastor practically trotted down the hall. Lucha libre had been a shot in the dark for date ideas, but damn if his little deer wasn't all in. Lucifer smirked as the pulse-pounding rock music playing over the loudspeakers in the arena glitched out and began playing a fast-paced mariachi trumpet solo. Alastor was feeling puckish, it seemed.
They made their way around the arena and found the A4 tunnel and entrance into the arena. Four other people were already standing in the wings waiting for the show to start.
“So everyone on this side is the bad guy?” Lucifer dared to peek around an imp holding a clipboard, trying to get a look into the arena. The imp was official. He had the lanyard, and everyone knew that lanyards were very official. So Lucifer didn't try to sneak around the imp to get a better look.
“No, we split it up. Rosco and the Disco Kid are faces this time.” The imp pointed to a sinner/imp team dressed up as 70s-inspired pimps. It reminded him too much of the porno moth guy, Vermicelli. Bad taste, but perhaps it was intentional? Bad taste was lauded in a sport with fun costumes.
“Hey, asshole!” The imp with a purple afro flipped Lucifer the bird. “Fuck off.”
Lucifer blinked. Huh?
“Duckie, come stand over here,” Alastor patted the concrete wall he was leaning against.
“Kay!” Lucifer raised his hand and stepped up to his designated bit of wall. “Nice wall! Very sturdy looking.” He nodded approval.
“What a weirdo...” the disco imp muttered.
“Did I do something wrong?” Lucifer leaned in and whispered to Alastor's shoulder. He was fun-sized! Not short! Sexy deers needed to stop being so leggy... no wait... scratch that. Alastor could keep all that lovely leg. Yup. Lucifer was secure enough to admit that all 7 ft something of sinner was well built.
“Are you nervous? You seem a bit more distractible than is typical,” Alastor leaned down to ask.
“Just excited. This is exciting, isn't it? I know we won't lose, I mean, we're us! But the performance is going to be fun!”
“Just remember that the waivers we signed specifically stated no magical shenanigans. Don't get overly excited and forget. This is a very physically taxing sport, no matter how silly you may look.”
“Hey! I'm the cutest duck!”
“Of course,” Alastor grinned and chuckled. Alastor stood upright and shifted his weight. The fluorescent lights caught the rhinestones of his belt.
“I really like that.” Lucifer pointed.
“Why, thank you, Si... Duckie. It's not what I myself would have chosen, but one must have a bit of flair when participating in such activities. Are you planning on engaging our foes whilst wearing the feathers?”
“I don't think it will get in the way, and capes always look really cool when you jump off the turnbuckle.”
“I trust your judgment on being able to maneuver, not that it looks cool.”
“Hey!” Silly deer, he was so cool!
The music suddenly changed again, this time sounding like grinding metal gone promotional jingle.
“Uh... did you?” Lucifer glanced up at the ceiling.
“No. I'd never play something so grating upon the nerves.”
“Bubblegum and Tack, you're on deck,” the official imp called to the two other participants in the hall. Massive male succubi that looked like they hit the gym way too seriously. Didn't muscles that big get in the way? “Run out with energy when he calls your names and the sparklers go off.”
They both nodded and strode to the entrance of the tunnel. The deep bass vibrated as the music came to a crescendo and the MC hopped into the ring.
The first match took less than ten minutes, the pink guys lost hard. They couldn't see much of the fight from the tunnel, but the play-by-play from the announcer was piped throughout the building. Probably so people taking a pee break could still follow along.
“Dashing Devil and Daring Duck, you're on standby...” The official imp called.
“That's us!” Lucifer sprang away from his spot against the wall.
Lucifer stood in the entrance of the tunnel and finally got a good look at the arena. The lights were sweeping across the arena and spotlighting the tunnel opposite their own.
“You love to hate them. Coming in from Doomsday District...The Gay Republican and the WASP!!!” The crowd began to boo as their opponents were introduced.
“Booo!!!” Lucifer joined in clapping in excitement, bouncing from hoof to hoof.
A spry-looking older dog person with orange-y blonde fur, not a hell hound, jumped into the ring wearing a spandex version of a red, white, and blue suit complete with matching … boa? Long loofah? It wasn't made of feathers but of meshy stuff, so Lucifer was uncertain what to call the thing that looked like more than a dozen red, white, and blue shower poufs strung together. The dog took the mic and began his version of talking smack.
“I took a test!”
“BOOOO!!”
“That test said I was 60-90% more intelligent than most of the population!”
“BOOO!!!! GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!”
As the audience was booing, a tall blonde man in a pure white banana hammock stepped into the ring and began to wave. He had a humanoid shape, but his skin was an off-putting shade of beige that looked sticky. Oh, heck. He couldn't let Alastor wrestle that degenerate! Poor deer might get a rash.
“I say 60-90% because I didn't buy the premium service. Still, I feel justified in saying that 60-90% of you should be eliminated! Make Hell Great Again!”
“BOOOOoooooOOO!!!” Someone threw a shoe, but it missed.
The MC kicked the shoe out of the ring.
“Now give it up for two newbies! Coming out of Cannibal Town, Dashing Devil and the Daaaring Duuuuckk!!!”
Lucifer zoomed to the mat. ZOOM! WHOOSH! He jumped up and did a fancy tumble between the ropes and onto the mat. He popped up and waved with both hands.
The clapping was a bit sporadic, with more than a few rumblings of laughter. As Lucifer was jumping up and down waving, Alastor made his way to the ring at a more sedate pace. He was more graceful climbing up.
“OHHH! HOT STUFF! Wanna suck ma dick!” Someone close by Lucifer called.
Lucifer turned and gave the heckler a dirty look. No one propositioned his deer!
Alastor stepped up to the MC and took the mic. Of course he did... Well, it was Lucifer's own fault for not grabbing it first.
“None of that now.” Alastor glanced at the offending heckler. “I'm certain you all want to see a show!”
The crowd began to clap and yell.
“You want to see these cretins get the beat down they so rightly deserve?” Alastor called.
The crowd was his... just like that. They started going nuts.
“Rip off his arms!”
“Kick 'em in the balls!”
“Tear out their lungs!”
“We shall endeavor to meet your high expectations.”
Alastor gave the crowd an elegant bow. He handed the mic back to the MC and hopped out of the ring to stand behind Lucifer.
Lucifer beamed at him. This was going to be a blast.
“Let me know when you want to play.”
“Will do,” Alastor nodded.
Lucifer faced forward and watched as the other pair conferred quickly. The slimy-looking dude climbed out of the ring. Boo. Lucifer would have to switch out quickly so that Alastor wouldn't have to touch something so nasty.
The ref stood between Lucifer and the dog man. The bell dinged... IT WAS ON!!
“WEEEEEE!!!!”
Lucifer sprinted forward like a shot. He'd anticipated that the dog man would dodge; it was part of the plan. Lucifer ran straight for the opposite corner, jumped up onto the padded buckle, and did a flying backwards flip. An aerial attack straight from the jump had not been expected, and Lucifer's pink boot smacked the dog man right in the sternum. The dog man fell and rolled as Lucifer moved in to try a pin.
Lucifer got a foot to his thigh, but he managed to grab the booted foot and pulled the dog man far enough away from the slimy guy that he couldn't tag out.
Lucifer dropped to the mat and yanked the guy's arm under him while pulling his neck into a lock.
“1.. 2..”
The dog man squirmed enough that he got his shoulder off the mat. Lucifer allowed it. After all, it wouldn't be any fun if he ended things within the first minute. Lucifer got an elbow to the ribs as the dog man 'escaped' Lucifer's hold.
HA! This was fun! Lucifer popped up just as the man tried a leg drop. Nope, not today!
ZOOOM!
Lucifer ran to the ropes and climbed up.
“MOON DROP DRIVER!” Lucifer yelled. Wrestlers were supposed to yell their moves right? Right. Elbow to the clavicle bitch!
ZOOOOM! Turnbuckle climb.
“SPINNING DELUXE CARE PACKAGE!” Spinning front flip with a leg to the back. It was supposed to be the front, but the dog man had turned.
ZOOOOOM! WEEEEE!!!!
“BOUNCING LARRET!” Lucifer bounced off the ropes, ricocheting. He clotheslined the man, knocking him back from attempting another tag.
“Duckie dear, the other opponent seems to have procured a weapon. Do tag me in, so I might enjoy some of this carnage.”
Lucifer looked up and spotted the slimy guy with a metal folding chair climbing into the ring.
“Sure thing!” Lucifer skipped over to Alastor and tapped his hand. “But don't let that guy touch you, he looks dirty.”
While Lucifer was talking to Alastor and lifting the rope to give him more room to crawl in, it was polite, the dog man had tagged in slimy banana hammock guy. Lucifer slid out of the ring, and Alastor took his place.
“Hey,” a sinner with an official lanyard called to Lucifer. “You guys ok with the chair? It's not used in these amateur matches. We can call this if it's too much.”
“Oh, how nice of you!” Lucifer smiled. “But it's fine. Neither of us will take any damage from a flimsy folding chair.”
“Alright, but this is part of the waiver you signed. We're not liable.”
“Noted!” Lucifer waved the sinner away and brought his attention back to his favorite deer.
While Lucifer had been distracted, the slimy man had lost the chair. Alastor had him in a vice grip and was gleefully watching the man struggle. He kept trying to kick and punch Alastor, but it seemed like with every blow he dealt more damage to himself. Slimy guy's arm looked a tad crooked. Well... It wasn't exactly wrestling... Holding your opponent aloft by the neck had to violate some rule, but they broke the rules first!
“Hum? Certainly, you have more fight in you than that?” Alastor teased and shook the man a bit when the other began to run out of stamina.
The dog man, having regained some of his composure, launched himself into the ring, trying to knock Alastor off his hooves by rolling into his legs.
“NOT TODAY, SATAN!” The dog man yelled right before he bounced off Alastor's hoof planted squarely in the no-no parts. There was a collective sympathetic groan from the crowd.“Oh, gooooodd.” The man squeaked and curled over.
“Devil, you need to pin the guy down and let the man in the stripes count it out!” Lucifer yelled encouragingly.
“That would end the fun, would it not? No, I much rather play with my prey.”
“Sounds good to me!” Lucifer sang. After all, they were supposed to be the bad guys. HA!
Alastor tossed the slimy guy against the ropes, then held out his arm. The guy bounced off the ropes hard. He tried to stop his recoil by clutching at the ropes, but the momentum was too much. He smashed into Alastor's arm, falling to the ground right against his partner.
“Is that considered a tap-in?” Lucifer asked out loud.
“I am uncertain,” Alastor looked down at the fallen, squirming men, then over at the ref. “Which one am I supposed to be battling?”
The ref kicked the chair out of the ring and walked over to the men. “I really don't care, fella. Just pick one. I don't think either is up for much more.”
“Very well.”
“OH!” Lucifer raised his hand. “Can I do it? It seems fun!”
“If you wish,” Alastor tapped Lucifer's hand.
Whoosh!
“CURLED PILL BUG!” Lucifer yelled, rolling the dog man into a press.
“1..2..3!!!!”
HECK YA!
“We won!” Lucifer jumped up and did a shimmy dance around Alastor.
“There was never any doubt.” Alastor turned and gave a slight bow to the crowd. From the sound of things, they were a bit of a crowd favorite. YAY!
“This was so much fun!” Lucifer sang and danced around the ring, waving his hands at the crowd.
Notes:
I'm not a huge fan of wrestling, but I grew up watching the late 90s early 2000 stuff bc my Dad was a huge fan. I'm only basing this on what I can remember of my childhood watching this stuff with him. If I got the rules wrong... well it's hell. Blast the rules. LMAO. Bad guy smack talk was paraphrased from and English translation of the show Shin chan. Clone Hitler tries pulling a Thanos and is stopped by Action Bastard. Its the show within the show.
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