Loveable

by cinnamonroll_ofdeath

Summary:

Life proved to Jim that he was unlovable. Between the trauma of his mother abandoning him, Frank's abuse, and the hell that was Tarsus 4, he believed that he was irrevocably broken and his only worth was in what he could do for others. No one would ever love him, least of all someone like Spock.

Notes:

Tags and description might be updated as I write more chapters.

Chapter 1: Unlovable

Jim was well aware that no one loved him. He knew this like he knew his hair was blonde or his eyes were blue. He was impossible to love.

He couldn't remember Winona ever even looking at him with kindness, much less showing him any sort of affection. Maybe she never had. With his blonde hair and blue eyes, he reminded her too much of the husband who'd died on the day of his birth. His older brother Sam also pretty much acted like he didn't exist.

And Frank. Frank did nothing but hurt him. He liked to scream at and hit Jim. He liked to make Jim feel small and weak and helpless. As if hurting a child made him bigger and more powerful.

Winona never bothered to look, never bothered to notice what her husband was doing to her son. Jim wondered if she'd even care if she did notice. She probably wouldn't. She never did like Jim.

Soon after he turned 13, he finally had had enough. He was done with being ignored by Winona off on some distant starship. He was tired of Frank punishing him for everything and nothing. He decided that if he was going to be punished anyway, he might as well do something to deserve it.

So he stole the keys to his father's vintage car. It was beautiful. For as long as he could remember, Jim had longed to go for a drive in it, but Frank would never allow him to so much as sit in it. Frank had always treated the car as if it were his, even though Jim knew it had originally belonged to his real father.

When Jim then proceeded to drive it off a cliff, Frank went ballistic. He beat Jim until Jim thought he might die, then shipped him off to an agriculture colony on Tarsus 4.

Jim loved it there. When he first got there, he was closed off and angry, always expecting a blow. But as weeks passed and the older couple he was placed with treated him with nothing but kindness. He was fed wonderful, home cooked meals on a regular schedule, and no one raised a hand to hurt him. After a while, he found himself beginning to relax for the first time in his life.

Life was good. He was finally getting positive attention from adults. He found it addicting. He would do anything for them. Anything to make them smile. It was an odd and unfamiliar feeling.

He was also no longer isolated. He had children his own age to play with. It was amazing. Everything was. He thrived. Life was good for the first time.

Then, the crops began to rot in the field. The scientists worked frantically to find out what was wrong. It was soon discovered to be a fungus. They tried everything to stop it, even burning the effected fields. It didn't stop the spread. Nothing did. Soon, all the crops were infected, the air stunk with the smell of the rotting food.

An emergency meeting was called at Governor Kodos' mansion. It was odd that only certain people received the invitation to the meeting, but most people brushed it off. Jim and the couple he was living with were among those who were summoned.

They arrived at the mansion and were escorted into the gated courtyard with the other people by armed guards. The fence surrounding it was lined with more armed guards. Jim's stomach was knotted in a sensation he had almost forgotten. Fear.

Looking around him, he saw many people he recognized. Families he knew. Kids he played with. 5 year old Kevin Riley smiled and waved at him with the hand not clutching his mother's leg. Jim waved back as his fear mounted.

Governor Kodos came out on the balcony above them. Jim felt dread as he began to speak.

"Our survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean a slow death to the more valued members of society. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death."

Horror filled Jim at those words. He glanced around at the other terrified faces of those around him. Little Kevin was still smiling. He had not understood what was about to happen. The guards surrounding them now drew their weapons and began firing into the crowd.

His caretakers were among the first to go down. Kevin's mom died shielding him from the initial fire. Jim didn't think, he just ran. He grabbed Kevin out from under the corpse of his mother and dragged him along with him.

As he ran through the chaos, he saw another child. A girl named Elizabeth. He had just attended her 8th birthday party the month before. He grabbed her too.

He spotted a gap in the fence guarded by an older man, probably in his mid sixties. He crouched down and made a break for it. The man, his focus on the carnage around them, never saw them coming.

Jim headbutted him in the stomach and sent him sprawling. Lightning quick, Jim grabbed his phaser and shot him with it, killing him. The other guards were too wrapped up in killing to notice.

Jim pushed Kevin, then Elizabeth through the gap before wriggling through it himself. After shoving the phaser in his pocket, he snatched up Kevin, grabbed Elizabeths arm, and dashed for the safety of the treeline.

He didn't stop until they were well into the forest and he couldn't run anymore. He set the kids down and collapsed beside them, breathing heavily.

Kevin immediately began to sob loudly. Jim looked over at Elizabeth to find tears running down her cheeks as well, but she understood the situation enough to cry quietly.

As he caught his breath, he began to think. They needed to stay hidden. But they would also need food and water and bedding. He would have to go back into town. Fuck.

There was no way he could bring Kevin and Elizabeth with him they would only slow him down and increase the chances of him getting caught. He would have to leave them here alone. He didn't like the thought of that. After what had just happened, he was all they had in the world, and he didn't want to let them out of his sight. But he would have to, and soon.

The sooner he went, the better chance he would have of getting what they needed and getting out again unseen. So he needed to go now.

He slowly pulled himself to his feet and picked up Kevin again. He beckoned Elizabeth to follow him as he walked a little further into the forest, looking for somewhere safe to stache them.

It thankfully didn't take long for him to find somewhere suitable to hide them. He nestled them in a clump of bushes just big enough to hide them both from view if they stayed still.

Before leaving, he crouched down and spoke, mostly to Elizabeth.

"I have to go get supplies. I will be back as soon as I can. I need you both to stay quiet and stay hidden. I will be back. I promise."

As he walked away he made a mental list of what he would need to try and grab. Hopefully, the soldiers hadn't started raiding their houses yet. He would need the stuff from them to keep these kids alive. The thought weighed heavily on him. Who knew how long they'd have to stay hidden. And now the lives of two small children rested on his shoulders. He was the only thing standing between them and death.

Fuck, that was a heavy thought. At 13 he was the only provider and protector of two kids. Two heavily tramatized kids. He had to keep them safe. He kept walking. Thankfully he had done a lot of exploring and therefore had a pretty good idea of where he was in relation to his house.

He crouched down as he exited the treeline. Keeping himself low to the ground, he moved quickly towards the houses. He breathed a sigh of relief when he made it into his house without incident. Thankfully it seemed he had come early enough that no one was searching the houses yet, but he would have to act quickly as it was only a matter of time.

He stifled a wave of grief as he grabbed a large backpack from the closet. Running to the pantry he stuffed as much food as would fit into the bag. Then he grabbed another bag and filled it with blankets, jackets, a portable water filtration unit, a couple flashlights, an empty jug for water, and a tarp.

Having gathered everything he could from his house he moved a few houses down to Kevin's house. He took what non perishables he could. On the way out, he stopped at Kevin's room and grabbed a stuffed bear off of the bed for the kid. He was only 5. He deserved a comfort item.

Unfortunately, Elizabeth's house was far enough away that he didn't feel comfortable grabbing anything for her. He vowed to try next time.

He tied the bags to his body and crouched back down as he ran for trees again. He barely made it to the relative safety of the forest when he saw the soldiers coming up the road to the now empty homes. He had got out just in time.

As he headed back to where he'd left his kids, he almost ran into a boy. He was curled up in a ball crying quietly. He looked up at Jim approach. He looked to be only a year or two younger than Jim, and he was covered in blood. Jim stopped dead in his tracks.

"Hey kid." He said in as soothing a voice as possible. "Are you ok?"

The kid startled and looked up at Jim with fear in his eyes.

"Please don't hurt me." He begged.

"Hey, hey. I'm not going to hurt you. Are you hurt?"

He shook his head.

"Ok. That's a start. Now what happened?"

"The governor. He killed my family." The kid whispered. "They wanted to kill me too, I hid under my parents' bodies."

Jim let out a small sigh. It wasn't like he wasn't expecting something like that.

"Yeah. They tried to kill me, too. I escaped with a couple other kids. You can come with us if you'd like. Safety in numbers."

"Ok."

Jim reached a hand to help him up. "I'm Jim, by the way."

"Tom."

"Alright, Tom. The others are this way."

Just like that, Jim gained another child. Another life that depended on him. It would be hard enough to keep two kids fed and safe, three would be even more difficult. But he was determined. He was not going to let these kids, his kids, down.

Tom followed Jim to the bushes where he'd left Kevin and Elizabeth. When they reached it, Jim crouched down and called out softly.

"Elizabeth. Kevin. It's Jim. You can come out now."

He then parted the bushes. Elizabeth blinked up at him sleepily. Kevin, exhausted from the trauma of the day, was fast asleep in her lap.

Jim set some of the bags down, then he reached down and took Kevin out of Elizabeth's lap. Kevin didn't even stir during the transfer. Jim cradled the sleeping child in his arms.

Elizabeth stepped out of the bushes too. Her eyes got big when she saw Tom there.

"Elizabeth, this is Tom ." Jim whispered so as not to wake Kevin. "He's another survivor like us."

Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears again, but she waved anyway.

"Now that introductions have been made, we need to find shelter. It'll be dark soon."

Both Tom and Elizabeth nodded and Tom began to pick up the bags Jim had set down.

"Let's go." He said quietly once he had them all.

Jim readjusted Kevin in his arms and led the way deeper into the woods. The forest wasn't very big, only three or four miles. But it was the best shelter they had at the moment, and there was a stream that ran through it. Jim made for that stream. They would need the water.

Heavily laden as they were, it was slow going. Jim didn't have the heart to tell the kids to pick up the pace. So it was dusk by the time they reached the stream.

Jim handed Kevin off to Tom and set to work building a shelter for them by flashlight. It wasn't much, just a framework of sticks to hold the tarp up. But it would have to be enough.

Jim spread out the blankets and jackets and laid Kevin on them. Elizabeth went in after him. Tom rinsed the dried blood off of himself before joining them. Jim waited out outside. Someone would need to keep watch.

~~~

Jim did fall asleep at some point during the night. He awoke the next day to the sun shining on his face. Tom and Elizabeth were nearby trying to keep Kevin quiet and entertained. They looked apologetic when they saw he was awake.

Jim hauled himself up and greeted them. He then walked over to the creek and washed his face and hands.

The cold water was the shock he needed to wake himself up. He wiped his face and hand dry on his shirt and smiled at the kids playing quietly together.

He dug through the bag of non food supplies and pulled out the teddy bear. Kevin lit up at the sight of it.

"Growly!"

He squealed as Jim handed it to him. He hugged the bear tight to his chest.

Jim crouched down next to Tom and whispered.

"I need to go check and make sure the guards aren't close."

Tom nodded. "I'll look after the others."

"Thank you. If anyone gets too close or I take longer than a couple hours, take them and run."

"I will."

Jim straightened up and walked purposefully away from camp. He patrolled the woods that surrounded their camp.

He had no doubt that they'd have to move eventually. After all, the woods really was the best place to hide, so once Kodos' soldiers began looking for them in earnest, it would likely be one of the first places searched.

Jim was on high alert as he snuck closer to the colony, but he had yet to see any of Kodos' men. It was almost midday when he returned to camp.

The kids were very hungry, so he began to make them food. He was careful to ration the food, not wanting it to run out too quickly. There was no telling when or whether he'd be able to get them more.

They kids scarfed it down. It was gone in minutes. Jim took his time with his food. He knew it would have to last.

~~

Days bled into one another. Each one the same as the last. The only real change was that Jim began taking cat naps during the day so he could stay awake better during the night.

Each day, Tom and Elizabeth relaxed a bit more. Jim did not. He knew it was only a matter of time before someone caught on to them.

Jim was patrolling close to the edge of the woods one midmorning when he heard a commotion. He heard running and shouting. As he crept closer to see what was happening, he heard a sound that haunted what little sleep he got. Phaser fire.

He crept to the treeline and peeked out. Two children, a boy and a girl, were running towards the trees. They were dirty and obviously terrified. Three soldiers were hot on their heels, firing phasers at them.

Jim jumped into action. He gripped the phaser he'd taken off the guard he'd killed and stepped out of the woods. He beckoned the children over to him as he began firing at the guards.

He hit the one closest to kids and he fell like a rock. The other soldiers looked surprised at someone fighting back. This allowed Jim to take out another one. The third man turned tail and ran before Jim could get him.

The two kids ran up to Jim out of breath. They both looked to be about Elizabeth's age. Jim grabbed them and pulled them into the forest with after him. They ran all the way to camp.

The kids looked up as they dashed into camp.

"Pack it up. We need to move." Jim ordered as he let go of the new kids' arms.

Tom nodded, and both he and Jim sprung into action. Once everything was packed up, Jim covered up their presence as much as possible and laid a false trail for the guards to follow once they tracked them here. Then he picked up Kevin and led the group of kids away from camp.

They walked for hours. They walked until the new kids, Lily and Danny, couldn't anymore. They were thinner and weaker than his other kids. They had been slated for execution, but their parents had left them behind when they went to the governors mansion.

They had waited for hours for their parents to come home. When soldiers came instead, they ran out into the fields and hid among the rotting crops.

The soldiers had locked the doors when they left to prevent anyone but appointed people from looting the houses. So the kids had hidden in a barn filled with the infected crops. They had tried eating it, but it made them violently sick.

Jim set up camp and made food for all of them. He made sure to feed Lilly and Danny first. They needed it the most. Then Kevin, then Elizabeth and Tom. There was almost nothing left by the time they'd all eaten. But Jim figured they needed it the most.

After eating, he let them all lay down and sleep while he searched for any sign that the soldiers were close. They weren't, thankfully, so Jim let his kids sleep through the night there.

The next few weeks were hectic. Jim kept them constantly on the move to keep ahead of the guards. Food was starting to run low. Jim found himself skipping meals more and more often. Then Kevin got sick. Really sick. They needed a more permanent shelter. He needed time to rest.

So he moved them out of the woods into abandoned buildings. Since the soldiers were still looking for them in the woods, it bought them a bit of time before they'd have to move again.

The break from constant moving helped some, but it soon became apparent that Kevin needed medicine. Jim only had a faint idea of what medicine to give him and no clue how to get it, but he had to try.

Under cover of night, he broke into abandoned houses looking for food and medicine. He didn't find much. Kodos men had cleared most of it out long before.

He finally got desperate enough to break into an occupied house in search of medicine for Kevin. He got the medicine, but the homeowner woke up and shot him. It was an older model phaser and it left him with a nasty leg wound, but he managed to make it back to the barn with the medicine.

With the medicine, Kevin began improving immediately. Unfortunately, as Kevin got better, Jim grew worse. With no way to properly clean the wound, his leg quickly became infected, and he became weak and feverish.

Still, he pressed on. His kids needed him. They had to move hiding locations since the people he stole the medicine from alerted the authorities. It didn't take long before the area was swarming with Kodos' men looking for them.

They moved abandoned structures every couple of nights. Their food was almost gone now, and Jim began to refuse to eat. He also began training Tom to take over protecting the kids. He knew his death was inevitable at this point, there was nothing any of them could do to prevent it, but he needed his kids to be safe.

So he limped along with his kids as long as he could, but as his leg grew worse and his fever mounted he realized he was only slowing them down.

Kodos' men were close. They couldn't afford to burden themselves with him if they were to survive. So he relinquished care of the younger four to Tom and stayed behind, waiting for his death either by the hand of Kodos' men or by infection.

Tom tried to leave food and water with him, but he refused. There wasn't really a point, and he wasn't going to take away from what little his kids had. They would need it to survive and it was already too late for him anyway. Tom reluctantly led the littler ones away, leaving Jim to his fate.

Now that his kids were gone and there was nothing left to fight for Jim's body gave out completely. He struggled to move and within a day he was delirious. He didn't know how long he lay there. He was in and out of consciousness.

At one point, he heard the door to the  shed he was in open, and people come in. He figured that the soldiers had finally found him. He slipped back into unconsciousness, knowing it would all be over soon.

He woke up in a bed. He opened his eyes and squinted against the blinding light. He tried to sit up but found he was too weak. A man dressed in a Starfleet medical uniform was at his side in an instant.

"Not too fast." He said soothingly. "I'm doctor Wright. You're in the medical bay of the starship Calypso. We found you on Tarsus 2 weeks ago. You're lucky to be alive."

Jim opened his mouth to ask about his kids. All that would come out was a croak. The man immediately brought a cup of water to his lips. Jim drank deeply. The man held the cup and Jim expertly so not a drop spilled. Once the cup was empty Jim cleared his throat.

"Where are my kids? Did you find them?"

"Your kids?" The man looked confused and mildly horrified.

"Yes. Tom, Kevin, Elizabeth, Danny, and Lily."

The man looked stricken. "I'm sorry. You were the only child in that area. We didn't find any other kids."

Jim sank back against the pillows and tried not to cry. He failed. He turned away from the doctor and cried until he had nothing left to cry.

After everything he had hoped that maybe he had finally done something right. But no. The kids he worked so hard to keep alive, his kids, were dead. He had failed them. He wished he had died with them.

Jim was inconsolable for days. He refused to eat or drink anything. This continued until a nurse sat down next to him with a tray of food.

"They tried to kill you." She spoke firmly, her anger evident. "But you survived. You beat them. They wanted you dead. Don't let them win."

Jim slowly realized she was right. To die now would not only be letting them win but would be an insult to his kids. They wouldn't want him to die. He had to live for them. For Tom, and Elizabeth, and Danny, and Lily. For Kevin. He had to live. He ate the food.

When the starship reached earth Jim was placed in a hospital. Winona was not there to greet him. A part of him had hoped that maybe his mother would, just this once, care about him. About what he had just been through. But no.

She never even came off of her assignment to visit him during his almost year long stay in the hospital. And at the end of it, he was released back into Frank's care.

Jim knew he was unloved. His only worth was in what he could give to others. And since he could give Winona nothing, he was worth nothing. He stopped hoping. He accepted the fact that he was broken, he was unlovable.

Chapter 2: Life Moves On

Notes:

I'm sorry I haven't gotten to the romance yet. I'm trying to make it romantic but the story just really wants to be about Tarsus. Hopefully I can start to weasel Spirk in in the next chapter. 🤞

Also I'm sorry this chapter's a little late. I generally take 2 weeks to write and edit each chapter but this one took me a tad bit longer.

Time crept by for Jim. Frank was just as mean and cruel to him as before, only now he also had to deal with nightmares from his ordeal on Tarsus. Also, at some point during his time in the hell that was Tarsus 4, Sam had run off, so Jim truly was alone with Frank.

When he first came home, he regularly woke up in the middle of the night screaming. Frank did not appreciate that, and he got more than one beating for it.

He began taping his mouth shut before going to bed in the hopes that that would help, and thankfully, it did. He still had nightmares regularly, but the tape prevented him from waking Frank up with his screaming.

Jim also got in trouble at school almost constantly. No one but Frank and Winona knew he had been on Tarsus. It was classified for his protection, and Jim sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone.

Unfortunately, this led to wild rumors circulating the school. After all, he had disappeared for almost two years after stealing and crashing his father's car, and now he was back pale and thin.

He kept to himself, which made him all the more mysterious. Some kids said he had been in prison. Others said that he had obviously been in drug rehab. There was also a rumor that he was anorexic.

Some of the meaner kids harassed him about it. Jim refused to take it lying down and fought back, which landed him in the principles office over and over again.

Another problem was that Jim's body was still recovering from his time on Tarsus, and on top of that he was exhausted from his troubled sleep every night. This led to him frequently falling asleep during class, which in turn meant his teachers didn't like him either.

At first, they claimed he was lazy and stupid. Then, as he passed each test they threw at him with flying colors, they called him a cheat.

A couple of his teachers made it their mission to catch him in the act of cheating. They got angrier and angrier each time they failed. They refused to accept that he wasn't cheating. He was just really smart.

Jim muddled through. The constant fights meant he had no friends and no one to talk to. His teachers were out to get him, his stepfather was out to get him, the kids his own age were out to get him. He dropped out of school the minute he turned 18 and booked it out of town.

He didn't make it very far. He ended up on the other side of the state doing manual labor. Without a high school diploma or equivalent, no one wanted to hire him for much else.

But it kept a roof over his head, the lights on, with just enough money left over to supply him with alcohol. It helped to numb the pain. He still had nightmares regularly. The alcohol helped those too.

Unfortunately, all that alcohol he used to make his brain shut up also lowered his inhibitions. He was more likely to be belligerent when he should have stayed quiet, more likely to get in fights.

After a few missed shifts at work, he made sure he drank at home unless he had the next day off. He couldn't afford to miss work because he punched the wrong person and ended up in the hospital, or worse, the police station.

On one such night, Jim entered the bar to find it packed with people his own age. He didn't recognize any of them, but he recognized their type. Young, sharply dressed, undoubtedly smart, with that go get em spark in their eyes. They were Starfleet new recruits. It was getting close to the start of the semester, and the shuttle that went to Starfleet Academy ran right through town.

He resented them. Though his resentment tasted a lot like envy. He took a free seat at the bar and ordered a drink. He downed it and ordered another, and then another, and another one after that.

Then, of course, one of those Starfleet boys got in his face and Jim's bar night turned into an all out brawl. Jim held his own. Those Starfleet recruits hadn't seen the things he'd seen. They hadn't done the things he'd done.

The fight was broken up by a Starfleet officer. The new recruits filed out, and Jim sat back down at the bar. To his surprise, the captain sat down next to him.

"James Kirk, correct?"

Jim glaced over at him and nodded. "My reputation proceeds me, I guess."

"Captain Christopher Pike. I knew your father. You look remarkably like him."

Jim stiffened at that.

"You fight well. But I bet there's more to you than fighting." Pike continued. He handed Jim a card. "There's a place at the academy for you if you want to find out."

Jim took the card automatically and stuffed it in his pocket before downing his last drink and paying. He got a cab home and staggered his way to bed.

He woke the next morning with a splitting headache. He was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, including his shoes.

He forced himself out of bed and to the bathroom for some painkillers. He took the meds and sat down on the floor to wait for them to kick in. Once they did, he made his way to the kitchen and drank a whole glass of water.

He then stripped out of his clothes. They were filthy. They had beer and blood on them and other stains Jim didn't want to try and identify. Before throwing them in the laundry basket, Jim turned out his pants pockets. In one he found Pike's crumpled card.

He made a move to throw it away, but their faces came to him unbidden. Tom, Elizabeth, Danny, Lilly, and Kevin.

They would have made something of themselves. He knew they would have. They had been such brave, amazing kids. They would have been extraordinary adults had they lived. But they hadn't. He had. He had to do this. He had to at least try. For them. For his kids.

He took a quick shower and made himself presentable before calling Captain Pike. Pike answered almost immediately, a knowing smile clear in his voice. And almost before he knew it, Jim was packing for Starfleet Academy.

The other recruits eyed Jim warily as he took a seat in the shuttle, but aside from a few dirty looks, they ignored him.

At the academy, he had to take a placement test as he never finished high school. The teachers were shocked when the tests placed him in advanced classes. Especially with all the notes from his previous teachers in his transcripts.

But despite the notes, they placed him in the advanced classes on an excelerated command track. Pike was very smug. They roomed Jim with a man a bit ahead of him on the medical track.

Leonard McCoy, affectionately nicknamed Bones by Jim, soon grew attached to the reckless young man. He resolved to take him under his wing.

Jim did not know what to do with this man, only a few years older than him, mothering him. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to resent him. But he couldn't.

He felt like a duckling imprinting on the first person to care for him. It was all he could do to keep from following Bones around like a lost puppy.

It was humiliating. And yet he never wanted to stop. He tried to deny it, but a part of him felt unsettled if he didn't know where Bones was. It was almost like he was afraid that if he looked away for even a second, the other man would disappear.

Jim tried to curb the need to keep track of his friend, but Bones picked up on it quicker and began to subtly keep Jim apprised of his whereabouts. Something that Jim deeply appreciated.

Jim found that he wanted to please Bones. He let Bones look him over, agreed to be his guinea pig for his medical classes, anything to make Bones proud of him. In some ways, it made him feel like he was repaying Bones for his friendship. And maybe if he was useful, Bones wouldn't stop caring about him. Bones became like the older brother Jim wished Sam had been.

Bones began to use his sway over Jim to influence him. He started with getting Jim to go to bed at a reasonable time. Then he moved on to cutting down on his alcohol intake.

Unfortunately, as the alcohol decreased, the nightmares increased. Thankfully, the tape over his mouth still did the trick and kept him from waking Bones up with his nightmares.

They fell into their roles quite naturally. Bones mother henned Jim and Jim forced Bones out to have fun once in a while instead of studying all the time. Bones helped curb Jim's wilder impulses.

Jim excelled. He studied hard and was the top of his class. He found that for the first time, he actually enjoyed school. His teachers recognized his potential and rewarded him for his successes instead of ignoring him or accusing him of cheating.

Everything was going pretty well for Jim. He had a friend. He began to get over his alcohol dependency. And slowly, his nightmares even got less frequent.

Unfortunately, this didn't last.

Jim was in his ethics class. The lesson plan didn't say what this class period  was to be on, only that it was a special lesson and that attendance was mandatory.

The teacher walked in and turned on the screen. There displayed for all to see, was the name of the lesson. Tarsus 4.

Jim felt his breathing become shallow and rapid. His hands began to shake. His vision was blurry. Then, an audio began to play. He could hear it even over the roaring in his ears. It was the speech. The order that had condemned so many, including him, to death.

The voice was different. The tone and cadence were off. It was obviously an actors rendition, not a recording of Kodos himself. But the words were unmistakable. Kevin, Elizabeth, Tom, Danny, Lily, their parents, his foster family, his neighbors, his friends. So many people. Dead. Dead because of those words.

Jim felt like he couldn't breathe. The voice had finally stopped. The speech was over. Jim stood up and left. He didn't even bother to grab his backpack or any of his things. He just walked out. The teacher called out for him to stop. He didn't. He couldn't.

He walked back to his apartment as quickly as he could without outright running. He couldn't hear anything over the screams of people long dead resounding in his head. He saw them die all over again. His foster parents.  Kevin's mom desperately trying to protect her small son with her own body. It all played before his eyes again and again.

His apartment was blessedly empty when he reached it. As soon as the door closed behind him, his legs gave out underneath him, and he vomited all over the floor of the entryway. He vomited until he had nothing left but bile. He sat there curled up in the entryway, shaking uncontrollably for a long time.

Jim lost time. It was already getting dark when the door opened. Bones stepped into the apartment and turned the lights on. His shoes barely missed the vomit drying on the tile floor. He looked at the floor in dismay, then he saw Jim.

"What in the He - Jim!"

He was there in an instant, gathering Jim up in his arms he heaved him up, unconcerned about the vomit, and carried him over to the couch. He wrapped Jim in a blanket and held him until he finally stopped shaking and fell asleep.

Once Bones was sure he was asleep, he nestled Jim into the couch and went to clean up the vomit. After no trace of it remained, he washed his hands and cooked dinner.

As he cooked, he saw there were several messages for Jim. They were from varying levels of academy staff. All of them were scolding Jim for walking out of his ethics class early and telling him that that particular lesson was mandatory and so he would have to make it up in order to graduate.

Bones typed out a quick message back to all of them, saying that Jim was violently ill and therefore could not attend any classes at this time. He signed it himself, since as a medical track, very close to graduating, his word would count the same as a doctors note.

He finished making his food and ate while Jim was sleeping. Once done, he boxed the leftovers up for Jim to eat later. Then he sat down on the couch next to Jim to do his homework.

Jim woke up screaming. Bones immediately put his pad down and pulled Jim back into his arms. Without thinking, Jim curled into his embrace and cried. He cried for a long time. He hadn't cried in years. But now, with Bones holding him he just couldn't seem to stop.

Through all this, Bones just held him. He ran a hand up and down his back soothingly but didn't shush him or try and talk.

Eventually, Jim's sobs died away, and he moved out of his friend's embrace. Bones just smiled a sad sort of smile and told him to go clean himself up while he heated up some food for him.

He ate in silence. He wasn't ready to talk about it, and Bones, thankfully, didn't ask.

The next day, Jim received a message to meet with Captain Pike about the missed class.

Pike looked stern and more than a little annoyed as Jim walked into his office. He waited until Jim was seated in the chair in front of his desk to begin.

"You caused quite a problem yesterday. That lesson is mandatory. We will have to find a time for you to retake it."

"No." Jim said firmly, his face set with determination.

"No? Jim. That lesson is mandatory. You will have to retake it. You won't be able to graduate if you don't."

"Then I'll drop out. I will not take that lesson. I don't need it."

"Yes, you do need it." Pike insisted. He was beginning to look genuinely angry. "What happened on Tarsus 4 was horrific. This lesson is required to hopefully make sure it never happens again."

The chair scraped loudly against the floor as Jim stood up. His fists were clenched, his eyes blazing.

"I don't need you to tell me how awful it was!" He spit through clenched teeth. "I know better than any of you! I was there! I heard that speech firsthand! I saw those people die! People I knew, people I cared about! I was one of the ones slated to die on that God forsaken planet! And I will not be taught a lesson on it by someone who wasn't there! Look at the records if you have to! But I won't take that class! I refuse!"

The blood, along with all of the anger, drained from Pike's face. His mouth opened and closed a few times as he  struggled to find something to say. When he finally did find his voice, it was lower than usual and filled with emotion.

"I see. Well, in that case, I can exempt you from that lesson. I will mark it complete in your file. And I'm sorry for dredging this up for you. Take as much time off from your classes as you need. I know you can make up any lost work."

Jim nodded sharply and turned to leave. Right before he closed the door, he turned back to Pike.

"I would appreciate it if you kept this to yourself."

"Of course. Who knows about your background is your business. Not mine."

Jim walked back to the campus apartment he shared with Bones in a sort of daze. Bones was out when he got back. No doubt attending his own classes.

Jim dropped down on the couch. The nightmares the night before and emotions of the day had taken their toll. Within minutes, he was asleep.

The next day, Jim returned to class as if nothing had happened. He got a lot of odd looks from his classmates, but thankfully, none of them approached him. The strange looks and whispering continued for a few weeks before everything went back to normal.

Chapter 3: Old Wounds

Jim continued to breeze through his courseload, getting high marks on all of his classes. Bones never asked about what had happened, for which Jim was grateful. Finally, once his schooling was almost complete, the time came for him to take the Kobayashi Maru.

No student had ever beaten that test. He decided he was going to be the first. To that end, he talked to all the cadets who had already taken the test. They told him all about the simulation and choices they had made. The outcome was always the same.

He soon came to the conclusion that the Kobayashi Maru was purposefully designed to be unwinnable. He hacked into the simulation. A quick look at the test's coding proved him right. After that, it was a simple thing to add his own subroutine to make it winnable. And with that, he was ready to take and win the Kobayashi Maru.

He walked into the simulation with full confidence. His confidence was rewarded when his subroutine kicked in and he beat the test. Unfortunately, he was then accused of cheating.

In his opinion, Spock, the unfairly handsome, irritating vulcan who designed the Kobayashi Maru, was just a sore loser. And any test that there was no way of winning was, in and of itself, cheating.

The hearing about his so called "cheating" was interrupted by a distress call from Vulcan. Vulcan was subsequently destroyed. Spock's mother who resided on Vulcan was gravely injured.

Spock threw Jim off the ship where he met a future version of Spock and a man named Scotty. Jim got back on board Enterprise and poked at Spocks weak points until he snapped, giving Jim the in he needed to take command and save Earth. After he saved Earth, he was given a commendation and command of the Enterprise.

Spock also completely dropped the accusation of cheating. Jim felt incredibly guilty. He didn't deserve Spock's kindness. Not after how he'd antagonized him in front of the whe bridge crew, including his father. Not after he'd used his severely injured mother against him to anger him.

But deserving or not, Spock forgave him anyway. So much so that when Jim was given captaincy of the newly rebuilt Enterprise, Spock volunteered to be his first officer. Jim gladly accepted this offer. Spock was a good man, and officer. And once they had stopped fighting like cats and dogs, they worked well together.

In the privacy of his own thoughts Jim could admit that he had a bit of a crush on Spock. Jim had always suspected that he wasn't completely straight, but his crush on Spock was the strongest he had ever experienced in his life.

Spock was handsome and kind, and unaffectedly competent. It got Jim a bit hot and bothered. He walked the bridge with the kind of self assurance that Jim wished he possessed, rather the entirely fake confidence he worked very hard to project.

But Spock was with Uhura. And was straight. Uhura was good for him. She was better for him than Jim could ever be. Jim would be a terrible boyfriend. Not that Spock would ever want Jim. Jim was unlovable.

So Jim did what he always did. He shoved his feelings as far down as he could and ignored them. He was a therapists nightmare, but it was how he coped, and besides, he wasn't hurting anyone but himself.

The Enterprise and her crew set off on a five year mission of exploration. It was fun at first. It was an adventure. But as time went on, the days began to drag by. Each day bled into the next into the next. Diplomatic mission after diplomatic mission and the never-ending void of space.

The one saving grace was Spock. Jim and Spock grew closer. They found that they were both chess masters and began playing each other regularly. This did not help Jim's crush. Not at all. In fact, the more time he spent with Spock, the bigger his crush got.

But Spock was with Uhura, and Jim was not in the business of homewrecking. So Jim kept his feelings to himself. All the while, they grew closer.

Unbeknownst to Jim, as he and Spock grew closer, Spock as Uhura began to drift apart. In no small part due to Spocks feelings for Jim. Spock couldn't help but be attracted to his decisiveness, his recklessness, his fearless care for others, and his instincts that proved right more often than not. And when he realized that those feelings were stronger than those he had for Uhura, he knew it was time to end it his and Uhura's romantic relationship.

So they quietly broke their relationship off. And it turned out that Uhura had secret feelings of her own. For almost as soon as they broke up, she began seeing a nurse named Christine Chapel. Spock was happy for her.

They remained close friends. Spock had so few of those he couldn't really afford to lose her, and besides, they still cared for each other a great deal, just no longer romantically. It was awkward for a time, but they soon found their footing, and their friendship stabilized once more.

Jim, unfortunately, was completely unaware of their breakup. It was surprising since they all lived in such close quarters, and practically everyone on the ship was gossiping about it. But somehow, Jim managed to be completely oblivious to it. It probably had something to do with the fact that he was the captain, and Spock was one of his best friends. It seemed that most of the crew had better sense than to gossip about Spock to, or in front of him.

As Spock now wished to become romantically involved with Jim, he began to spend even more time with him. They played chess practically every night and discussed the details of their respective days. Spock would also occasionally talk about his childhood and family. Jim avoided talking about his own like the plague.

Jim's crush began to turn to love. Spock was always so sincere, and he always treated Jim with so much kindness. No one but Bones had ever been so gentle with him.

It was a new emotion. Yes he wanted to fuck Spock, but that was just lust. Lust he knew. But how he felt for Spock was more than just carnal desire. It was love. He had never experienced romantic love. No one had ever gotten close enough. He had never let anyone get close enough.

Unfortunately, he knew there was no way Spock would ever love him in return. So he tried to satisfy himself with whatever parts of Spock he could get. If friendship was what Spock wanted, then Jim would be his friend. Jim would do anything for Spock.

Everything was fine. Not good, but fine. Jim contented himself with being Spock's friend. He resolved to be the best friend he could be to Spock. He didn't know how he would cope if Spock decided he wasn't worth the effort and abandoned him. Then the Enterprise received a transmission from Starfleet.

Jim opened the message in his ready room. It ordered a change in their course. They were now to get to a nearby planet as fast as possible. A fierce war had plunged one of the continents into famine. They were to provide humanitarian aid. Food, clean water, clothes, shelters, and any medical assistance needed.

Jim felt the blood drain from his face as he read the missive. His kids, now long dead, hungry faces appeared before him unbidden. He heard the echo of Kodos' voice resounding in his head. His breathing became shallow, and tears began to well up in his eyes.

Jim stood up and forced himself to take deep breaths as he ran a hand across his face to get rid of his traitorous tears. He was a captain for fucks sake! Captains didn't cry!

He shoved his emotions ruthlessly down. He didn't have time to fall apart. He was a Starfleet captain. It was his responsibility to help. He couldn't afford to be distracted by ghosts.

Jim composed himself and returned to the bridge. Once there he ordered the course change and they set out at full warp. When they reached the planet, they beamed down in several groups to the continent experiencing the famine. Jim felt his blood run cold at the sight that met him. It was so much like Tarsus he half expected to see Tom and the others around each corner.

He saw himself in every gaunt child's face. He vividly remembered how he looked when he finally looked in a mirror in the sickbay of the Starship Calypso. It wasn't something he could forget. And some of these people looked worse than he had, especially those with children.

Spock was in the group that Jim was leading. He could practically feel the distress radiating off of him. It perplexed Spock. For while the sight of the starving people was disturbing it in no way explained the amount of mental anguish he felt from Jim. It felt like a deep wound, unhealed and festering. Spock was concerned and stuck close to Jim's side.

And when they finally beamed up for dinner, Spock watched with growing worry as Jim barely ate anything. He only picked as his picked at his food, moving it around the plate without eating more than a few bites. Something was seriously wrong with Jim. He hated to see his love hurting, but he didn't know what to do about it.

~~

Jim slept fitfully. Nightmares of Tarsus plagued his sleep, and he woke many times with his kids' names on his lips. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically, by the time the alarm went off. At breakfast, Jim downed practically a pots worth of coffee, but had no appetite.

How could he eat when the people down there were starving? How could he eat when Kevin was still hungry? No. No. Kevin was dead. He shook himself and forced himself to eat. Not eating wouldn't help anyone. And his kids wouldn't want him to starve. The food tasted like ash and death.

Spock was even more concerned on the second day. The bags under his eyes made it obvious that Jim had not slept well. He went through the motions, doing his job, but his movements were wooden, his eyes far away.

Spock could see that something was very wrong. Jim retired to his room early after barely touching him supper again. Spock finished his own meal, giving Jim some time, before he followed him. When he reached Jim's door, he was bombarded by such pain and grief that Spock had to steady himself against the doorframe.

Spock pressed the button next to the door to let Jim know he was there. Jim didn't respond. After waiting a few minutes with no response, Spock keyed in his security code and stepped into Jim's room.

Spock was shocked by the state of the room. Spock had been in Jim's room many times before, they typically played chess in either his or Spock's quarters, but he had never seen it like this before.

Jim was normally a very tidy person, with everything neatly put away in its proper place, but his room was now in complete disarray. The table was flipped over, as was one of the chairs. Several empty bottles that had once contained alcohol lay on the floor around them. The covers were completely off of his bed and the pillows had also been thrown on the floor. His closet was open and his clothes were strewn about the room.

The mirror was also broken, pieces of the shattered glass littered the floor decorated with flecks of Jim's blood. Spock followed the trail of blood droplets that led to the bathroom.

Jim was lying on the bathroom floor silently crying. Blood was running down his hands sluggishly. It was smeared on his clothes and the floor around him.

"Jim!" Spock burst out, horrified.

Jim looked up, bleary-eyed. "I can't stop seeing them, Spock." He whispered, his voice laced with tears.

"Seeing who?" Spock asked.

"My kids!" Jim cried. "Tom, Elizabeth, Danny, Lily, and Kevin. Everywhere I turn, they're there. In every kids face. My kids. It's my fault. I tried to save them, but they're dead. They're all dead. I should've saved them, Spock. I should've saved them. It's all my fault."

Spock sank to the and pulled Jim's sobbing form into his arms. He didn't let go until Jim's breathing evened out in sleep.

Once he was sure Jim was deeply asleep, Spock carried him out of the bathroom and deposited him gently on his bed. He then got out a first aid kit. He cleaned the cuts on Jim's hand then healed them using a dermal regenerator.

Once Jim was healed, he put the blanket and pillows back on the bed and tucked Jim in, then he cleaned up the broken glass and blood.

Having done all he could for Jim for the moment, Spock left him to sleep and went to his room. He then went digging into Jim's personal file. He needed to know what was wrong if he had any hopes of fixing it. He loved Jim to much to allow him to continue to suffer this way.

On the surface, everything seemed normal. James Kirk was born on January 4th 2233 on board an escape pod from the USS Starship Kelvin. Winona took him back to Earth. She raised him and his older brother Sam in Riverside Iowa for the first 5 years of his life. Then she remarried to a man named Frank Davis and left both boys in his care while she joined the crew of a research vessel.

This was where Spock began to look a little closer. Jim's school records were in his file up until age 13. Then there was no school records again until he was 15. This was odd. There was also no records of him being a father, especially not to five children.

A little more digging brought up the police report for the car Jim had stolen and crashed. All official records disappeared after that before restarting nearly two years later to show Jim as an angry and combative teenager.

Something had happened to Jim during that missing time. Something that had turned him from the bright, slightly mischievous child described in earlier reports, into a bitter solitary teen. Yes, teenagers were typically a bit angsty, but this was more. Spock was sure of it.

Also, it was odd that there would be no records. The federation kept records of everything, so for there to be no records on a person, especially a child.... something wasn't right.

By that time, it was late into the night, but Spock couldn't sleep. He needed a second pair of eyes. So Spock left his room and went to find Dr. McCoy. As Jim's closest friend he hoped he would have some insight.

McCoy was still in sickbay. He had fallen asleep at his desk. He jumped when Spock woke him.

"What in tarnation?! Spock?" He blinked the sleep from his eyes.

"Doctor." Spock greeted him.

"What do you want?" McCoy practically growled.

"I wished to speak to you about the captain. And as the computer informed me you were in sickbay, I assumed you were still up. But as you were not we can easily discuss this tomorrow."

Bones sighed and sat up. "I'm already awake. And besides, I don't think I haven't noticed that Jim's not doing well. So what's been going on?"

"I wish I knew Leonard. I went by his room this evening to find he had destroyed it. His belongings were strewn over the floor, and he had broken his mirror, cutting his hand in the process. I found him crying on the floor in his bathroom. He was very intoxicated."

"Fuuucccckkk." Bones sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. "That sounds like it's even worse than last time. Is he ok?"

"Physically, yes. I cleaned the wound and healed it using the dermal regenerator. I also removed the shards of glass from his floor to avoid any future accidents."

"That's good at least. I don't like to hear that he's been drinking. I got him off of drinking for the most part. Kid drank like a fish when I first met him." Bones sighed again. I don't suppose there's any chance he told you what was wrong?"

"Actually, he did. Unfortunately, I do not have the context needed to understand what he was referring to."

"Lay it on me, Spock."

"Is Jim a father?"

"No. Why?"

"I did not believe that he was, but he kept referring to "his children." He claimed to be seeing their faces everywhere and blamed himself for their death. He said their names were Tom, Elizabeth, Danny, Lily, and Kevin."

"What the fuck?" Bones whispered.

"I also looked into his official records. There is no mention of him fathering any children, much less five of them. But curiously, there are no records of him from the time he turned 13 until right before he turned 15. I found this very concerning."

Bones also looked intrigued and concerned by this bit of information. "That's not right. Surely, the federation didn't lose track of the kid for almost two years?"

"It is hard to believe but true. The last thing I could find was a police report of him stealing and wrecking a car belonging to his late father. After that, the records disappear. I was hoping you might know more, or at least have an idea of how to proceed."

"You seem to know more than I do, Spock. Jim doesn't like to talk about his childhood or family. The only thing I know is that he has broken down before, though no nearly as bad as this, it sounds like."

"Do you know what triggered that break down?"

"Sort of. Apparently he walked out of class at the beginning of one of his Ethics lessons. Normally it wouldn't have been a big deal, but apparently that particular lesson was mandatory to graduate. I don't know more than that, other than he was in bad shape when I got back to our apartment. After he felt better, he had a meeting with Admiral Pike, and it was never mentioned again."

"That is curious. I will look into it. Hopefully, that incident will lend insight into what is happening currently."

Bones heaved himself up out of his chair and said, "Well, if that's all I'm going to bed. There'll be plenty of work to do in the morning. Keep me in the loop about whatever you turn up."

Spock nodded and returned to his quarters for night. He should probably try to get some sleep as well.

Chapter 4: Truth

Notes:

Look at me, getting this chapter out on time!
Only one chapter left to go!

Just a heads up, the last chapter might be a little shorter than normal.

Spock had fully intended to go to bed and get some sleep. And to his credit, he did try. But his sleep was fitful, and his dreams were troubled. Finally, about an hour before he was supposed to get up, he gave up and pulled up Jim's Starfleet academic file to look into the information Bones had given him.

It didn't take long for him to find what he was looking for. There were multiple notes about the incident from his ethics teacher as well as several of his academic advisors.

Looking further, it seemed that Pike had marked the class as completed, though there was no evidence that Jim had retaken that particular lesson. That was highly irregular, and Spock couldn't imagine him doing that without a very good reason.

Unfortunately, the lesson was unnamed in the lesson plan. It was only marked as mandatory. This would require more digging.

Thankfully, since Spock had been an instructor at Starfleet Academy, he knew that all teachers were required to submit a full lesson plan for approval. He also knew where they were stored. It only took a few minutes to pull up the lesson in question in the database.

Spock froze. There it was in black and white. The lesson had been covering the tragedy of Tarsus 4.

Spock pulled up Jim's file again. There was no mention of Tarsus 4. But time that was missing from Jim's file started a few months before the famine struck and ended about a year after the Starfleet teams had rescued the survivors. If Jim had been on Tarsus 4, that long of a recovery would make sense depending on how bad he things had been for him.

Fuck. Jim had been on Tarsus. No wonder he was having problems once again being faced with victims of starvation. Spock needed to speak with McCoy. Now.

As it was almost time for him to get up, Spock dressed hurriedly. Once he was ready for the day, he rushed to the doctor's quarters.

McCoy let Spock in almost immediately after he rang, but he looked a bit irritated.

"What do you want now?"

"Leonard. I have news."

"Well. What is it then?"

"I believe Jim was on Tarsus 4."

"What?!... Fuck."

"Yes. The timeline matches well enough to cause concern, and the lecture he walked out on was about Tarsus. You said he was emotionally compromised when you found him after?"

"Very."

"Also, although that lesson is mandatory, I found no record of him actually completing it."

"Then how did he graduate?"

"Pike marked it as completed. Something I believe he would not do without good reason."

"Fuck. This is bad. But we need proof before we bring this up to him."

"How do you suggest I go about getting that?"

"Check the starship records of where they dropped the survivors who needed more medical attention. Then, look at those hospitals records."

"I had not considered doing that. Thank you. I will inform you when I find something."

"Keep me posted. Now get so I can finish getting ready for the day."

Jim didn't appear for breakfast. Spock was not overly surprised. He and Leonard shared a look over their plates but didn't say anything.

He was there when time came to beam down though. He looked perfectly respectable, his hair done, his uniform spotless, but his eyes were haunted. Spocks heart ached for him. He began to realize that he felt more for Jim than he had ever felt for anyone in his life. This was more than attraction. This was love. He was in love with Jim.

Spock was distracted while performing his duties, both by his revelation and by his concern for the object of it. When they beamed back up to the Enterprise that evening, Spock took McCoys advice and looked into the hospital records.

There had been a boy among the survivors left at the hospital. His name was classified as he was underage, but the ages matched. He had been treated as an inpatient for almost a year. And in that entire time, he had had no visitors. He was eventually discharged into the care of his stepfather.

This news enraged Spock. No one even cared enough to visit Jim in the hospital after he almost died! Jim was all alone after one of, if not the most, traumatic event of entire life.

Spock forced his anger down. He would have to deal with it later, but for now, he needed to talk to McCoy. He had the proof they needed.

He found Leonard in Sickbay, pouring over patient files while he ate. Leonard looked up at his approach.

"You found something?"

"Yes." Spock nodded and showed him the file. "It has no personal details, but I believe this is Jim. The release date matches closely with Jim's records starting up again. This is him."

Leonard looked it over and nodded. "Damn. Poor kid. Good work, Spock. We definitely need to have a talk with Jim."

"I agree, doctor."

"It's probably best that this conversation happens away from prying eyes and listening ears. We don't want this reaching the ship's gossip mill."

"That is sensible. Where do you suggest?"

"Jim's quarters."

"That seems wise."

They both stood up, and McCoy grabbed his medkit and led the way. Spock followed close behind, clutching his padd.

Jim was already drinking when they entered his room. He was sitting on his bed drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. He stopped when they entered.

"What are you doing in my quarters?!" He demanded.

McCoy ignored the question. Instead, he walked over and took the bottle out of his hand.

"Hey! Give that back!" He reached for it only to have his hand batted away.

"No." Bones said firmly. "We need to talk."

"Boooonnees." Jim whined, still reaching for the alcohol.

Bones reached into his med kit and pulled out a hypospray. He stuck it in Jim's neck before he could react.

"Hey! What was that for?!"

"To sober you up. We need to have a talk, and it'd be better for all of us if you were sober for it."

"Ugh. Why? You guys suck." He grumbled as the medicine began to work.

Spock and Bones waited quietly for the medicine to take effect. Once it had Bones hypo'd Jim again to stave off the headache brought on by the medicine. Then he began talking.

"Jim. You need to relinquish command of Enterprise for the time being."

"What?! Why?!"

"You are emotionally compromised by your past experiences." Spock replied calmly.

"The fucks that supposed to mean?!" Jim snarled standing up and clenching his fists.

"Tarsus 4, Jim. We know." Bones stepped forward and grabbed Jim's arms.

"You don't know shit!" He snapped, trying to yank himself out of Bones' grasp.

"Fine. We have enough information to make a very educated guess. Spock can show you if you need proof. Don't make me declare you unfit. As chief medical officer, you know I can."

"You wouldn't." Jim stilled at this. Bones let go of his arms and stared him down.

"I would." He said in a voice of calm resolve. "I've always taken care of you and I won't stop now."

Jim dropped back down onto the bed, his back slumped, his head in his hands. He was shaking.

"I thought I was hiding it so well. What gave me away?"

"You hide it very well, Jim. I don't think anyone but us noticed would have noticed anything amiss." Spock tried to soothe. "But Leonard and I know you very well, and you were behaving abnormally enough for me to check on you last night."

Jim's head snapped up. "I don't remember you coming by last night."

"You were quite intoxicated at the time."

"Fuck."

"When I came in you had injured yourself on your broken mirror and were crying on the bathroom floor."

"Fuck. I said something, didn't I?"

"You did. Are you a father, Jim?"

"No." Jim refused to look either Spock or Bones in the eye.

"You told me that you had children that were dead." Spock pressed gently.

Jim sighed. And tears filled his eyes. "They weren't mine. Not biologically anyway. But they mine just the same. They didn't have anyone but me. I was supposed to protect them."

"You were on Tarsus 4, weren't you?" Bones asked quietly.

Jim nodded.

Bones let out a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry, Jim."

Jim just shrugged. "It was a punishment for wrecking dad's car. And it wasn't bad at first. Before everything went wrong, I actually loved being on Tarsus. Then the famine came and with it Kodos' solution."

Once he began talking, he found that he couldn't stop. The whole miserable story came pouring out.

"I was supposed to die. I should have died." Jim said, looking at his hands. "I was among those summoned. I guess Kodos thought I was worth less than the other citizens because of my record. I was in the courtyard when the shooting began."

Bones sucked in a shaky breath, but neither him nor Spock interrupted.

"That's how I got Kevin and Elizabeth. Kevin's mom shielded him with her own body. She died trying to save her baby. Kevin was only 5! How could anyone decide to kill a fucking 5 year old?!"

Jim broke down sobbing. When he finally composed himself, Jim continued.

"I killed one of Kodos' men to get Kevin, Elizabeth, and I out. Then I found Tom, he'd escaped the massacre by hiding under his parents' corpses. Then I got Danny and Lily. I tried to keep them safe. I kept them alive and fed as best I could. They depended on me. But then I got sick. And I told Tom to move on without me. And the next thing I know, I'm waking up on the Starship Calypso, and no one knows where my kids are!"

"Oh, Jim." Bones whispered as he sat down on the bed next to him.

"It's all my fault!" Jim cried. "I failed them. If I'd have been stronger, I could have protected them better, and they'd still be alive."

Bones pulled Jim into a hug. "Jim. You did the best you could. You were a kid, too."

"But I should have saved them!"

"There was nothing more you could have done. Your kids would want you to stop punishing yourself over something that was not your fault. What happened to you and your kids was Kodos' fault. Not yours."

Jim finally stopped resisting and sank into Bones' embrace.

Finally, once Jim had composed himself, Spock spoke up.

"We will have to relieve you of command."

"What? Why?!" Jim demanded straightening up, obviously gearing up for a fight.

"The situation has emotionally compromised you. It would be unwise for you to continue to lead, given the situation's similarities to your own trauma."

"I can do my job!"

"Not effectively."

"God! You're just trying to get back at me for Nero! You don't even care, do you?!"

"Of course I care! I love you!"

"What?" Jim whispered, shock written all over his face. "But Uhura?"

"Uhura and I broke up months ago, I called it off when I realized I loved you more than I did her. She's seeing nurse Chapel. I don't want to hurt you or get back at you Jim. I want you to step down because I love you, and this is hurting you."

Jim just stood there staring at Spock in stunned silence.

"Well, I'll be damned!" Bones laughed and stood up. "I guess I'll leave you two to have private conversation. You definitely need to have one. I'll be in my quarters. Come get me when you're done." He then turned on his heel and left the room.

They stood there facing each other silently. Then Jim launched himself at Spock and kissed him. Spock caught him and kissed him back enthusiastically.

"I love you too. Though I never dreamed you would ever love me back." Jim whispered when they finally broke for air.

"How could I not?" Spock pulled him closer, smiling one of his rare smiles. Jim just had to taste it. They stayed like that for quite a while, wrapped up in each other.

Jim was too emotionally raw for anything more than cuddles, but Spock was more than happy to just hold him close and share soft kisses. It wasn't long before Jim fell asleep embraced in Spock's arms.

Spock sent Bones a message informing him that Jim was asleep and that he would contact him in the morning. Bones acknowledged it with a thumbs up, and Spock soon joined Jim in sleep.

**

Jim woke the next morning caged in Spock's arms and surprisingly refreshed. For the first time since they'd taken the fateful mission, he had slept through the night without any nightmares.

Spock was already awake and smiled at him. "Good morning, Jim."

"Good morning, Spock. What time is it? How long before shift starts?"

"You do not have a shift, Jim. Dr. McCoy has taken you off of the duty roster due to medical reasons. Sulu and I are in charge until you are well."

Jim jumped up. "Great, so now the whole of the ship and Starfleet command knows that I can't do my job."

"Jim. Leonard's report states that you have caught a virus. A contagious one that requires you to be quarantined for a while."

"Oh."

"Jim. We would never give away your secret."

"But won't it look suspicious that you're here visiting me with my super contagious virus."

"No. As I am Vulcan, I am immune. Therefore, I will be the one administering your treatments."

"You guys really thought of everything."

"Yes. Jim. Do not worry. The ship is in good hands. Sulu is in charge now as I am with you. And when he is not in charge, I will be. We have everything under control. The aid to the planet is being taken care of. Another Starfleet vessel is on its way here to relieve us, and command has given us shore leave on a federation planet of our choosing, within reason, once they get here."

Jim tried not to look relieved. "I don't suppose there's anything I can do to change your mind?" He asked.

"No." Spock answered before kissing his lips softly.

Jim allowed Spock to distract him. Truth be told, he didn't actually want to go back down to the planet's surface. The old memories of Tarsus were too haunting. He let himself forget everything, but Spock's kisses.

Chapter 5: Loveable

Notes:

It's a bit short but I got it out early! Thank you for reading!

Jim stayed in his room for the next few days with Spock as company when he wasn't working. He was surprised at how restful it was. He caught up on his sleep and reading when he wasn't spending time with Spock.

They talked about everything. Spock held him tight, anger visible in the set of his jaw, as Jim opened up to Spock about the hell that was Tarsus and his childhood. He found it was freeing to finally be able to talk about it.

He also discovered Vulcan stamina first hand. Whenever he started to get restless and frustrated with being stuck in his quarters, Spock fucked him into the mattress until his legs were to shaky to hold him up, much less carry him out of the room.

He was doing much better mentally by the time the other starship came to relieve them.

While Jim was in his room. Spock and Bones were very busy. Not only were they coordinating the aid, and trying to keep Jim busy, but they were also working quietly on another project. They were contacting everyone they knew who was likely to know, calling in every favor they could. All to find five people. Jim's kids.

Finally they had a breakthrough. Someone in Starfleet got them the file on one of the five. Bones had to laugh at the irony when he looked it over.

Kevin Riley.

Rank: Lieutenant.

Occupation: Navigator on the Starship Enterprise.

One of Jim's missing kids was literally on board Enterprise at that very moment! They had spent hours trying to find someone who was right under their very noses.

Bones wasted no time calling Lieutenant Riley to his office. They needed to have a chat.

As Kevin had, very wisely, asked to be exempt from the away missions to the planet, he was available to come immediately.

Riley arrived at sickbay promptly, looking slightly confused. "You needed me, Dr. McCoy?"

"Yes. Follow me." Bones beckoned him in his private office and closed the door.

Bones motioned for him to take a seat before sitting himself.

"Lieutenant Riley." He began cautiously. "I'm sorry to have to ask you this, but were you on Tarsus 4 as a child?"

Kevin's face turned white and he looked at his hands as he swallowed hard. "Yes."

"Did you know a kid named Jim?"

Kevin's head snapped back up. "Yes. He saved our lives. Do you know what happened to him? Is he alive?"

Bones smiled. "Yes, I do. He's alive. But he thinks you and his other kids are dead."

"We're not! We all survived thanks to him!"

"I think he'd like to see you and the others. Do you think they can meet us at the planet we have shore leave on?"

"Yes! Absolutely! We've all mourned for Jim. We did our best to live up to him, to be worthy of his sacrifice. They will be so happy to know that he's still alive."

"Good. Contact them. We will be there by the end of the week."

Kevin, recognizing the dismissal, jumped out of the chair and left sickbay. He was beaming. He later sent Bones a message confirming that they'd all be there when they arrived. Bones forwarded the message to Spock. They had just a few days to prepare for the meeting.

As soon as the other ship relieved them, they left the planets orbit. They set a course for the planet they were to have shore leave on. Once that was done they had more free time. Duties were at a minimum. Jim was back in command and happy to finally be let out of his room. This left Spock and Bones with time to fine tune the details of Jim's meeting with his kids.

They started by finding a private place for them all to meet. They both agreed that the meeting should happen on the planet, not on board Enterprise. They wanted somewhere away from prying eyes, but also where Jim would not feel the need to be in control, where he wouldn't need to be the captain.

They settled on renting a suite in an upscale hotel. That way, they could have both privacy and room. Bones put in the proper paperwork to get Jim completely off the hook for all ship duties while on shore leave.

Spock and Bones agreed they should both be there for the initial meeting. Then, providing everything went well, they would find somewhere else to be while Jim and his kids talked. Bones had his own room nearby while Spock would stay in the suite with Jim. All the arrangements were made by the time they went into orbit for their shore leave.

The place they chose was beautiful. It was tropical with picturesque beaches and abundant plant life. Kevin was among the first to beam down. He went to meet the others and take them to the hotel room to wait for Jim.

Meanwhile, Bones and Spock made their way to Jim's quarters. They found Jim sitting at his desk doing paperwork.

Bones sighed. "Jim, what are you doing? Shore leave. Go pack your bags."

Jim waved them away. "I'm catching up on reports. You guys go ahead."

"Jim. You're coming with us. Don't make us drag you there without your stuff." Bones threatened.

Jim huffed. "I have work to do! Besides I spent the past few days resting. I don't need any more time off."

"Jim." Spock spoke softly. "You have been recovering mentally and emotionally. The past few days have been difficult for you. You deserve shore leave as well as the crew." He paused for a moment before adding,"I have already rented us a hotel room."

That got his attention. Jim's head snapped up with an eager gleam in his eyes.

"Well. I guess I wouldn't want Spock's planning to go to waste." He said casually as he stood up and pulled out a duffle bag.

Bones smirked as Jim hurriedly threw things into his bag. Within an hour, they were on the surface, making their way to the hotel.

It was a nice hotel. Most of the rooms had windows that overlooked the ocean. Spock led the way to the receptionists desk in the spacious lobby. After checking in and getting their keys, he grabbed a cart and loaded his and Jim's bags onto it.

"Why are you taking a cart?" Jim questioned. "We only have two bags, well, three if you count Bones'. Speaking of, why are you coming with us Bones?"

"I just wanna see where ya'll are staying, so I'll know where to find you if I hear you've been working. Besides, I'm staying in this hotel too. I'm one floor down from you."

Jim looked suspicious but moved on.

"Seriously Spock. Why are we using the cart when we can easily carry our own bags."

"I thought it might be pleasant not to have to, Ashayam. And the carts are available for patrons use. So why not take advantage of them?"

"I guess? You're both acting strange. But I guess I'll allow it. Come on." Jim led the way the the elevator, Spock and Bones close behind with the cart in tow.

The elevator stopped on Spock and Jim's floor. They all got out and made their way to their room. Jim inserted the key, and the door swung open. Jim stepped into the room and stopped dead.

There were five people already in the room, three men and two women. They turned when the door opened.

"I'm sorry. Is this the wrong room?" Jim asked, looking at them in confusion.

"No, Jim." One of the men said with tears in his eyes. "We're here to see you."

"Do I know you?"

"Yes." The man came closer. "You saved my life."

"Tom?" Jim's eyes widened and his voice broke. His legs buckled under him.

Tom was there in an instant to catch him. "Careful. Can't have you hurting yourself. We just got you back."

"You're alive." Jim sobbed. "You're here."

"Yes. We're alive. We're all alive. Thanks to you."

The others gathered around them. Jim reached out and touched each one of his kids reverently, like he was afraid they'd disappear.

Spock pushed the cart into the room and quietly shut the door, leaving Jim to catch up with his kids alone.

They went to Bones' room to drop off his bag, then Spock and Bones, then left to explore outside of the hotel. It was a beautiful day, so they spent a couple hours wandering before they got a message from Kevin that they could come back.

They returned to the hotel room. The minute they opened the door, Jim hugged first Spock, then Bones.

"Thank you." He whispered in their ears.

He was all smiles when he pulled back, despite the tear tracks on his cheeks. His kid's faces held similar expressions.

Hours later, after his kids had retreated to their rooms and Spock and Jim were in bed, Jim couldn't help but show Spock the depth of his gratitude. Vigorously and repeatedly.

Once they were throughly tired out, they cuddled up together and drifted off into a sleep untroubled by dreams.

Jim had his boyfriend next to him, holding him tight, and a wonderful best friend one floor down. His kids were all alive and happy, and Jim could see and talk to them whenever he wanted. He had a job he loved, a ship to call home. He was loved. Everything was pretty much perfect.