Chapter Text
Gabrielle couldn’t sleep. Not that she’d slept properly for weeks, but this time the reason was different. Xena was back, fully formed, sleeping - peacefully, it seemed - beside her. Gabrielle stared at her, still not quite believing it; even though she’d spent the previous evening stuck to Xena’s side, holding onto the warmth and solidness and miraculous aliveness of her, as if it might flit away if she let go for even a moment. When Xena had suggested that they should sleep, it had been hard to contemplate even closing her eyes, for fear that Xena would evaporate; just another nightmare with a particularly cruel twist.
The Queen’s bed was certainly big enough for two, but Gabrielle had immediately curled herself into Xena’s side, seeking the comforting warmth and scent and the feel of her heavy arm looping around her shoulders. Gods, she’d missed those arms. She almost let out a sob in that moment, throat choked with sheer relief; but she held it in. It felt too big to be let loose at once; a landslide that could engulf them both if it wasn’t carefully channelled.
Xena had tolerated her clinginess with barely a word all evening; just occasional soft glances and half smiles. She’d had more to say to Autolycus, who had slipped away from the Amazon village - perhaps understanding his presence wasn’t quite as welcome as Xena’s. Gabrielle had watched their farewell from afar, trying to ignore the sharp stab of jealousy in her chest.
She envied the access Autolycus had to Xena; her thoughts and feelings, and even in a strange way, her body. Gabrielle had been possessed by Xena’s spirit too, briefly - but although she’d said to Xena she felt safe and protected, she’d omitted the fact that she’d also been reminded of their first few months of travelling together, when Xena would push her into the bushes at the slightest hint of trouble. She’d witnessed the calm, calculated way Xena approached the fight with Velasca - the crystal clarity of her thoughts, the surge of adrenaline lighting up Gabrielle’s body - a sheer thrill that had bubbled up into laughter as she engaged Velasca in combat. It had been enlightening, but there had been no time or space for probing into what Xena was actually feeling, beyond the immediate desire to win. Just like in those early days, Gabrielle had crouched in the background, watching in awe at the power her friend possessed. And then she’d felt the wrench as Xena left, and desperation flooded in, to get to her body with that tiny piece of ambrosia before it was too late.
She’d had mere moments, where Autolycus had had days. And he’d been there in the moment in the spirit realm when Xena kissed her, and time had stopped and the earth had fallen away. He’d felt that, from Xena’s side.
Why did you kiss me? The question had been burning loops in her mind ever since. She’d had many chances to ask since getting Xena to herself late last night, but her voice had deserted her every time, and it was starting to feel almost unreal. Did it really happen the way I remember it? Did Xena really instigate it? How much was Autolycus consciously involved - is that why Xena flipped him to the ground moments later, for overstepping?
Gabrielle let out a huff of breath, sitting up and rubbing her gritty eyes. Her body felt as though she’d been tossed from a horse, her back crunching as she tried to stretch. She slumped down again, shuffling onto her side to gaze at Xena. She had a sudden, reckless urge to reach out a hand and brush her fingers down her cheek, draw a thumb over those full lips… her own lips tingled at the memory, her heart jumping in her chest, raising a flush on her skin as a soft heat pooled deep in her belly. It felt dangerous, thrilling, exhilarating. She sucked in a breath.
Ask her. As soon as she wakes up, ask her about the kiss. We have to talk about it, straight away, or it’s going to get weird.
-
When Xena opened her eyes, Gabrielle was staring at her, as if she couldn’t quite believe she was here. Her breath quickened as she noticed Xena was awake; her hand twitching as if she wanted to grab hold of her again. Xena stretched her long body, feeling it pop and crack. She felt astonishingly good - supple, free of pain. The Gods aren’t wrong. Ambrosia is powerful stuff.
“Are you okay?”
Xena smiled softly. “How many times are you gonna ask me that?”
“You just took ambrosia! You could be halfway to godhood by now.”
“I promise you I’m not,” Xena chuckled. “That small piece of ambrosia, when I was -” here she paused, searching for ambiguous words - “not quite alive - it restored me, but it’s not going to make me a god.”
“But do you feel any different?”
“I feel - good, I feel strong. Whole.”
A little frown settled at Gabrielle’s brow as she let that eager hand gently touch Xena’s shoulder. Her thumb brushed a thin white line on Xena’s skin.
“You still have your scars.”
Xena reached up to still her hand. “I’ll always have those.”
“Xena…” Gabrielle’s eyes raised, and there was deep pain there. “I don’t understand what happened to you. At Cirra. I looked around, and suddenly you were -” she stopped abruptly.
Xena squirmed, trying to pass it off as a stretch. She didn’t want to go back there, not yet. They had more pressing things to discuss.
“It was the girl,” she offered, trying not to sound curt.
“What girl?”
“One of the captives. For some reason she hung back when the rest of you ran. I was trying to push her out of the way of the -” she paused at the distress on Gabrielle’s face “- and it hit me instead.”
“But then you weren’t making any sense,” Gabrielle went on, agitated. “You told me to take you to Mount Nestos - I’d never even heard you say that name before.”
Xena inhaled, a memory of sickening pain and fear ghosting through her.
“Something I saw just before the accident reminded me, I think,” she murmured. “Of another time that I was badly injured, and the healer who saved me.”
“Yeah. After - Caesar - broke your legs?” Gabrielle spoke haltingly, her face scrunched as she tried to remember the details. The sound of Caesar’s name in her voice made Xena’s chest constrict.
“Nicklio told you.”
Gabrielle gave a brief shake of her head, as if it was all too confusing. “He tried to explain. He said that - M’Lila brought you there.”
Xena stiffened at yet another name she never thought she’d hear from Gabrielle’s mouth. M’Lila’s face surfaced in her mind. “Yeah. Yeah, she did.”
Gabrielle was looking at her with sharp intensity. “Who was she?”
Xena paused. “A friend,” she said quietly. That’s enough for now. She sat up quickly. ”Look, Gabrielle - I promise I’m going to tell you everything. But - before that, I want to ask you something.”
Gabrielle seemed to hold her breath, her whole body vibrating.
“Yes?”
“What’s next for you?”
She scrunched her brow. “For me? What - what do you mean?”
“They just crowned you Queen of this tribe.”
Gabrielle looked away, guilt flashing across her eyes. “They did, yes, but then I left. When I realised it really was you, in Autolycus’s body, I went with you.”
I know. I was there. Xena remembered the looks on the faces of the gathered tribe as Gabrielle had leapt onto her disappearing casket and ridden away. Of course Xena was glad Gabrielle had trusted Autolycus and followed - but it worried her how quickly she had discarded her responsibility to the tribe. She gave Gabrielle a serious look.
“And some of the tribe were angry about that, and loyal to Velasca. She’s dead now, but that doesn’t mean they’ve all forgiven you. You need to decide what you’re going to do - and fast.”
Gabrielle gazed at her for a long moment, something brittle and unreadable in her eyes - almost like betrayal, which made no sense. She gave a rough sigh.
“I know. But I already know what I’m going to do. I can’t stay here as Queen, not when you’re back.”
“But they need a leader. And you are the next in line.”
“Look, Velasca was right about one thing,” Gabrielle said bitterly. “I haven’t trained for this. I’m too green, I wouldn’t be the leader they need -”
“But you’d learn. You’re a fast learner -”
“Yes, but -” Gabrielle’s lips tightened. “Xena, you wouldn’t stay here, would you?”
It wasn’t really phrased as a question. This was a conversation Gabrielle had tried to have with her before, and Xena had always shut it down. She’d lain awake trying to think of her response when it was inevitably raised again.
”Being part of an Amazon tribe isn’t something I think I can do.” It was the best she’d come up with.
“Then I don’t stay either,” Gabrielle said firmly. “I go with you.”
Xena opened her mouth to object, but Gabrielle silenced her with a hand in the air.
“No - look. This was a way for me to start building a new life - without you. But if I don’t have to do that -” she made an emphatic gesture, drawing a line under it all. “Besides, I already know what to do. Ephiny should lead this tribe.”
Xena frowned. In some ways, it made sense, but would the tribe accept it?
“But she’s not royalty. She doesn’t have the birthright -”
“She does if I give it to her.”
“You’d give her your right of cast?”
“No, I don’t think I need to do that. I can choose someone to rule in my place.”
“So - you’d still be Queen?”
“In name, yes. But in reality it’d be Ephiny, until - well, unless I come back.”
“And she’s okay with that?”
“I still need to talk to her.”
Xena blew out her cheeks. This is a gamble.
“Then that’s the first thing we should focus on. Gabrielle, you need to move quickly. Otherwise there’s a power gap, and people will get restless. Remember, some of the tribe supported Velasca.”
Gabrielle gave a bewildered shake of her head. She started pushing blankets away, as if about to get up - but then she turned back to Xena, wearing a deep frown.
“Xena, is it - is it true that the dead can hear the thoughts of the living?”
Xena paused. Gabrielle’s voice was taut; there was no give in it, no patience. She was angry.
“I’m…I’m sure it is,” Xena responded carefully.
Gabrielle’s eyes flashed for a moment, then flattened.
“So you didn’t hear anything.”
“I did. I heard a lot of things,” Xena said earnestly. She reached for Gabrielle’s hand - it was warm and soft, a welcome contrast to her flinty eyes. “I can’t say how much of it was real, or memory, or just my imagination.”
“Did you hear my voice?”
The question was urgent. Xena swallowed. They had a lot of talking to do - it wouldn’t do to start off without honesty.
“Yes. Though - first - I saw M’Lila.”
“You saw her?”
“Her spirit, I guess. She came to me in this - this limbo I was in. Told me -” she hesitated. “Told me it wasn’t my time. And then I heard your voice.” She gave what she hoped was an encouraging smile, but Gabrielle remained rigid. “Telling me that I should fight to come back. And I did.”
Gabrielle blinked a few times, the thin line of her mouth softening just a little.
“Took your damn time about it,” she mumbled, and Xena let out a laugh.
“Blame Autolycus for that one - the man can drink. Took ages to get his attention.” She squeezed Gabrielle’s hand, then pushed the blankets away. “C’mon now. Time to talk to Ephiny.”
She stretched her feet to the dusty floor and stood with an experimental bounce on her heels, grinning at how light and strong she felt. Sunlight was piercing through the gap in the curtain over the door. Gabrielle also pushed herself to her feet, reluctantly; their conversation seemed to have left her deflated and closed. Xena pushed down a wave of impatience. Gabrielle had been through so much - of course it was going to take time to process. As soon as things were settled with the Amazons, they’d have more space to really talk.
After all, there were some very important things that needed talking about.