Work Text:
Kou and Kei had a mutual understanding, it was simple really and was basically the only thing that they could really agree on, to put it bluntly they hated each other. More accurately, Kei was mostly indifferent unless Kou was being stupid, then he hated the other, and Kou's blood boiled every time Kei opened his damned mouth.
They were almost opposites, pretty much every single one of Kou's muscles was toned and useful with the exception of his brain. For Kei is was the other way around, brain swelling and overflowing with knowledge and capable of creative problem solving, but he could hardly do ten push ups and would probably collapse after twenty.
Kei had come to the conclusion that he did not like Kou quite quickly, taking a drink from a stranger like the other had made Kei privy to Kou's naivety. The myriad of dumb things that had fallen from the other's mouth since then had simply turned his annoyance to disdain.
It had taken Kou a little longer to completely lose faith in Kei's character, he was the kind of person that gave people multiple chances before deciding that someone was hopeless, to Kou the other was soulless.
It wasn't quite jealousy, but when Kei watched Kou interact with the other's so easily, something gnawed at him. These people weren't anything like them and would probably sell them out the moment they were no longer useful, discarded like a broken toy. Also, he could hardly stand the second hand embarrassment he received from Kou, the other seemed incapable of embarrassment as though Kei taken the weight of it from the other's shoulders. Maybe Kou just didn't see how his actions were dangerous, maybe Kou didn't see why he should be embarrassed, Kei frowned turning away from the sight and returning back inside.
Kou wasn't worried, wasn't in the least bit concerned, the most it could be labelled as was curiosity. He wondered what the reason was for Kei's distance, that self enforced isolation, it set Kou's teeth on edge. These people weren't their enemies, they were working together toward the same end. And they were meant to be working together, a team and weren't teams supposed to get on in order to work well together. Kou didn't get it, but he was sure that it couldn't just be because Kei was a jerk, no matter how much of a jerk the other was.
"Asshole," Kou yelled at the top of his lungs, fist against the wall beside Kei's head, chest heaving with the effort he was putting into restraining himself.
"Dumbass," Kei hissed, reptilian, breathing out of his nose. Brows furrowed with irritation as he looked up at the other.
"You're fucking insufferable, do you hear yourself when you speak?" Kou spat, brows raised and lips curled.
"Do you?" Kei threw back, practically snarling at Kou, smile razor sharp.
"You think you're so fucking clever don't you," Kou growled, grinding his knuckles against the cold concrete of the wall.
"Yeah, I do actually," Kei said, unable to stop himself from smiling wide and crooked.
Kou just groaned and punched the wall again, breaking his wrist in the process.
"You should probably just reset instead of waiting for that to heal," Kei stated, looking bored as he pulled the Stanley knife out of his jean pocket.
Kou considered that it was a defence mechanism, Kei's coldness, some sort of barrier between Kei and the rest of the world that stopped the other from getting hurt. He chewed on the inside of his mouth, staring up at the ceiling wondering why he was thinking about Kei at all. He should have been sleeping, should have been keeping himself in top physical condition.
There he was though, in the wee hours of the morning wondering why Kei was as fucked up as he was. No one could completely shut out the world all together, no one could protect themselves from pain for forever.
Kei couldn't sleep, hadn't slept properly for a long time. Even before all of this, he hadn't had the best sleep schedule, but now he was working on three hours at most. He bet that Kou was already sound asleep, he bet himself that Kou snored, just as loud and obnoxious as the other was in the day. He began to wonder if that sound would lull him to sleep, Kou's droning voice certainly did.
He hated closing his eyes, even that much sensory deprivation was triggering. Fingers twitching at his sides as he struggled not to ball them into fists, he tried his best to relax, pressing his head back against the pillow in order to find some comfort. Tossing and turning just because he could, that was his freedom, but it didn't help him sleep.
Sheets thrown from his body, Kei sat with his legs over the side of the bed. Fingers curled over the edge, rubbing his toes against the coolness of the floor. He pushed himself off the bed, wobbling on his feet from the force of it.
He was restless and his legs moved seemingly on their own, moving of their accord out into the hall. Stopping in front of Kou's door, palm pressed to the wood, he scrapped his nails over it balling his hand into a fist. Pulling his hand away, Kei turned from the door and walked back to his room.
Every damn time Kei's mouth opened, Kou wanted to sew it shut. That noise, it rang out like an air raid siren and everyone around them froze.
"Hey Kei!" Kou yelled, dragging the other out of the room, down the hall and into the bathroom, throwing the other against the urinals. "What the hell are you doing? They were just teaching me how to shoot!" He was pissed and really he'd had enough of Kei's shit and the pissy way the other looked at him.
"Me? What the hell are you doing?" Kei threw back, head bowed slightly as he glared up at Kou, "stop acting like those suits are your friends," he said flippantly, as though he was doing Kou a favour.
"Eh?" Kou just couldn't believe it, the way he couldn't quite figure the other out.
"Don't let this get in my way," Kei muttered, "they have one skill, they're capable of dying and it's something that our side has that Sato's doesn't, we might be able to use that. We be may be able to use them as pawns we can sacrifice as part of our plan," he said, keeping his voice as flat as possible. There was no use in getting attached anything, especially not now.
"Watch your fucking mouth!" Kou screamed, blood boiling under his skin. "Are you really saying that you've never had someone that was important to you?" Hands balled into fists at his sides, really he wanted to scatter the other's brain across the walls.
"I haven't," Kei said dismissively.
"What about that guy, that 'friend' of yours they said helped you escape?" Kou threw back, he knew he wasn't the sharpest tool in the toolbox but even he could see that Kei was lying. The telltale way that the other wore shock and looked away, cogs turning in that head searching for an adequate response.
"I don't need him anymore. Maybe if life was normal, but in the situation we're in he's of no use to me. There's nothing to be gained by associating with him," Kei said, like a well rehearsed speech and Kou just ground his teeth, swallowing Kei's bullshit. "Let your heart guide you and your body will crumble," Kei said, voice steady as he finally stood up.
"You piece of shit," Kou bit out, nails digging into his palms, really what were you supposed to say to someone that desperately needed to believe their own lies.
"You dumbass," Kei returned, it was becoming something akin to a pet name.
Kei's heart was weak, he knew it because he found himself in front of Kou's door again. He wasn't supposed to care, he most certainly wasn't supposed show it. He had though, moved on impulse to do what exactly? Protect himself? He wasn't exactly sure and there wasn't much point in trying to analyse the action anyways, it was an impulse and nothing more. He didn't care about Kou, the other was a tool and that was it.
That didn't explain why he was in front of Kou's door, that was something he didn't want to analyse. He wanted it to go away, wanted to ignore it entirely, whatever desire it was that brought him there.
Running his hand threw his hair, starting from the nape and going up, he couldn't get the idiot's words out of his head.
You're amazing.
It was a bitter taste in his mouth, lips curling as he snarled. Lots of people had said the same thing about him, for many different reasons, so why this affected him so was really beyond him. Kou was probably amazed by a lot of things, it wasn't a big deal.
He told himself that, over and over again trying to will himself away from the door. He'd obviously been too late, the sound of the door opening echoed in his head as he turned to move down the hall.
"Nagai?" Kou said with disbelief, "what are you doing?"
"Loitering," Kei said, walking further down the corridor.
"Can't sleep?" Kou asked, easily catching up to Kei, walking beside the other.
"You're perceptive tonight," Kei said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Despite what you think I know when you're mocking me," Kou muttered.
"Are you sure about that?" Kei smiled, but his face dropped as quickly as it had been lifted, there was no reason for his mood to be so bright. He should have been sleeping, he should have been tightening the plan, but no he was wasting his time digging at Kou and revelling in the other's reactions.
"Are you ever not irritating?" Kou said, brows furrowed.
"Are you?" Kei shot back, keeping himself tight lipped, Kou groaned.
They both stopped at the same time, right in front of Kei's room. They stood there both just staring at the closed door, neither of them really knew what to say or do. Kei shifted his weight from foot to foot, chewing on the words that rose into his mouth.
"Are you waiting for an invitation?" Kei said, surprising himself and he hoped he didn't show it on his face.
"What?" Kou spluttered, brows waving and face turning slightly red.
"Good night Nakano," Kei murmured, stepping into the room and swiftly closing the door behind him. He ran his hand over his face as he approached the bed. He dropped himself onto the mattress, pressing his face into the pillow, he groaned into it.
Kei's hand sharp against his side, Kou hit the floor, the speed of it all was kind of disorientating. He hadn't had the time to think about it then, but after it all, after everything had settled, it was all he could think about. He felt kind of selfish about that, many people had died, had sacrificed their lives and Kou was only thinking of the way that the touch had felt like fire crawling up his skin.
It was the first time Kei had touched him without malice, as far as he could remember the last time Kei had touched it was when the other had strangled him after he'd gotten drunk. It hadn't felt like he'd been branded after that, now though, he felt as though Kei's fingerprints were imprinted deep enough that they could dust them off his rib bones.
"What now?" Kou asked, watching Kei tap something into the satnav from his peripheral vision as he tried to keep his eyes on the road.
"Why's it always up to me?" Kei said, fumbling as he set the satnav back in its holder.
"You're the one with the brain remember," Kou mumbled, trying to split his vision so that he could see where Kei had set the satnav to send them.
"Are you saying that I'm the brains and you're the brawn?" Kei said, almost laughing.
"Maybe," Kou spat, somewhat embarrassed.
The strangled laughter that came from Kei then, well Kou couldn't quite handle it. Chewing on the inside of his cheek, he told himself that it was just relief, the other was relieved and after all that stress and terror Kei was kind of giddy. That was all, Kou felt it too.
The trust, it was more than Kei could handle, the way Kou blindly followed him, it said a lot of thing that neither of them would dare to mention. Out in the country, laid on his back in the guest house, staring up at the beams that supported the ceiling. He still couldn't sleep, after everything that had happened, after the relief that had swept through him, he still didn't want to close his eyes.
Turning his head to the side, he watched Kou, peacefully sleeping. It was irritating, mostly because it was endearing. They were mostly out of the woods, but they'd never be completely safe, Kei didn't think that he'd ever be able to let his guard down like Kou did.
He moved his arm out of the futon, pressing his hand against the floor, palm flat to the tatami. Digging his nails into the floor, scraping, hardly closing the distance between them.
Then he was up, bare feet padding toward the other until he was standing over Kou. Kei didn't know what he was trying to achieve with this, didn't know what he was hoping to gain. He shifted oddly on his feet, he had the urge to sink down onto his knees, but he stood statuesque stuck between all kinds of emotions.
Weeks later and they were still together, deeper in the countryside. Kou kind of had the feeling that if they were apart, if he were without Kei, he'd get himself caught almost instantly.
"What happened?" Kou asked, sudden burst of curiosity he'd never had before.
"What? When?" Kei barked, brow arched sharply at Kou as he turned back to the other.
"When the government captured you," Kou asked, they were stood on the edge of a small river, for a moment it was all he could hear.
"What?" Kei asked again and Kou looked over at him, completely oblivious.
"If we get caught, what would happen, I mean I should know right?" Kou asked, as though it was that simple.
He stood there, watching Kei, the other simply blinked at him for a while. It wasn't like Kei to be so lost for words, it unnerved him. He stepped toward the other, hand out stretched and then he was in the river, drowning again. It took him a moment to realise that Kei's ghost had its fingers through his chest again, he chose that moment to remember Kei telling him to try not to die while they were adjusting to 'normal' life. It wasn't like they could explain the torn clothes and blood that appeared seemingly from nowhere. It was kind of funny how it was Kei that broke the rules, but it was difficult to laugh with lungs full of water.
Sitting in the small apartment they'd scraped enough money together to rent, Kei watched Kou sleep again. Head leant against the wall, nails scratching at the floor again. He thought about how he'd been trying so desperately to forget what had happened to him, of course Kou had been the one to bring it all to the forefront of his mind.
It wasn't like he hadn't been thinking about it, it had just become background noise, something that was always there. He hadn't been making a conscious effort to analyse it, so when Kou had asked about it well those memories had come as quite the shock. Like ice cold water thrown against his body.
"Nagai," Kou called, bringing Kei back to the present, "I don't care about you spacing out and not sleeping or whatever but staring me down is kind of creepy," he said, leaning up on his elbows as turn more fully toward the other.
"Sorry," Kei muttered, bringing his knees closer to his chest.
"Do you ever sleep?" Kou asked, dubiously.
"The longest anyone's ever gone without REM sleep is eleven days," Kei mumbled, chin rested on the heel of his palm, looking anywhere but at the other.
"But that's got nothing to do with us, right?" Kou said, brows furrowed.
"I sleep," Kei sighed, it sounded like a lie, he never felt like he had anyways.
Hand curled around his ankle, Kou yanked him down to the floor. Loomed over him, gaze hard and questioning.
"What was that for?" Kei snapped, fingertips pressing hard against the floor.
"There's a difference between sleeping and resting, even I know that much," Kou said, breath rushing down and sweeping over Kei's face.
"What's that got to do with anything?" Kei asked, tone biting.
"Maybe you'd be in a better mood if you actually let yourself rest," Kou said, something close to laughter in his voice.
"And how do I do that exactly?" Kei asked, trying his best not to grind his teeth, "do you really think I haven't tried?" He couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice, he was getting angry when he shouldn't have been, chest rising and falling shallowly.
Kou didn't say anything, it took a moment for him to realise that Kou was lowering down upon him. Thighs coming down over his own, hip bones pressing slightly above his own, stomach and chest next, then they were face to face. Kou's breath was tickling his lips, Kei could feel the shaking effort of the other struggling not to put all their weight on him.
"How's this supposed to-"
Kei's words caught in his throat as Kou's head slid down beside his neck, mouth pressed to where his neck met his shoulder. He wanted to move his arms, wanted to put his hands on Kou, instead he pushed them harder against the floor.
"What happened?" Kou asked again, words muffled by Kei's skin.
He let out all the air in his lungs, letting the heat of the other seep into his body. Tried to keep himself calm whilst also remembering what he'd been through, tried not to bring his ghost out, cleaning up that amount of blood in their home would be a pain.
Kei described it in the only way he knew how, in the only way that he could keep all emotion out of his voice.
"It was torture," Kei murmured, but that word couldn't encompass a single thing that had happened to him there. Really, language failed in these moments, the word torture did nothing to allow Kou to understand a damn thing.
"Like actual, physical torture and not just you being melodramatic or whatever?" Kou asked, nose grazing Kei's skin.
"Actual physical torture," Kei stated, hating how his heart betrayed him, he wondered if Kou would bother to notice such a thing.
The weight upon his body grew as Kou's arms came up under his shoulders, a hand pressed to the back of his head, forcing his face into the other's shoulder. It was warm and Kei's hands twitched as he wondered how Kou's skin would feel beneath his fingers, breathing in the other's scent, a heavy and obviously male kind of smell that Kei just pressed harder into.
"What does it even mean to be alive?" Kei spoke, just saying whatever was on his mind, "what does it mean to people that can't die, most people probably think that it'd mean less, that we'd stop caring about dying," a jumbled kind of consciousness that was only half formed spewed from his mouth. "There are worse fates than dying, there are-"
Kei was cut off by the way Kou wrapped around him harder, bodies pressed firmly together. He could easily feel the outline of the other, could feel Kou's pulse in the other's neck pumping against his cheek.
"Nagai, let's go to bed," Kou said, grabbing the other's wrist as he climbed off of Kei, pulling the other into bed beside him.
Lying there, facing away from Kou with the other's arms wrapped around his waist. It was warm, so warm that he could hardly keep his eyes open, he didn't really understand why he was struggling against the compelling pull of sleep. Perhaps it was that he was the defiant type, but sleep was a heavier weight than he could hold up, eventually he couldn't keep his eyes open.
Coiled around Kei was how Kou woke, palm pressed to the other's chest, fingertips over Kei's heart. He counted to the steady rhythm. He had woken up before his alarm, so he had the time to lay there beside the other. They had it good here, Kou had found a job doing stock and deliveries at a small store owned by a gentle but sharp middle aged woman. Kei, on the other hand, was still in contact with Tosaki, occasionally thinking up strategies and supplying information to the other for a price.
It was an odd kind of equilibrium that had settled around them, but still Kei was on edge and Kou couldn't really blame the other for that. Not with what he knew now, whatever torture Kei had gone through had rendered the other speechless. And if there was something that Kei couldn't describe, couldn't explain, then Kou didn't want to know about it.
He focused on the feeling of Kei breathing, but he couldn't stop thinking about the kinds of things that would stop Kei from being able to sleep. The other obviously wasn't as carefree as Kei would have liked to have made Kou believe, he knew that much even before that night. Kei wasn't heartless, everyone had something that they cared about, it could be something seemingly insignificant but it could mean the world to someone. So, obviously, there was something that meant something to Kei.
That man the other had let live, that friend the Kei had left behind, Kei's sister even, Kou wouldn't believe that the other felt nothing for them. What about himself? Kou found his mind wandering to how Kei felt about him, he remembered the searing touch of Kei's fingers jabbed against his ribs. It was unnecessary really, he was only going to get his throat slit and quite honestly Kei had done worse to him. Kou pressed his face against the nape of Kei's neck, hiding his sudden embarrassment from no one in particular, it wasn't as though he could hide it from himself.
"Are you trying to kiss me?" Kei's voice came, groggy and thick from the sleep still clinging to him.
"N-no," Kou exclaimed, pulling his face away from the other's skin.
"I suppose I should get up," Kei groaned, stretching around Kou's grasp.
"You don't even know what the time is," Kou murmured, somewhat unwilling to let the other go.
"It's at least after four am," Kei stated, gesturing to the window and the sunlight coming through it.
"Just stay still for a minute would you," Kou muttered, holding Kei closer, hands pressed flat against the other's torso.
"I'm not the one that will be late for work," Kei grumbled, but relaxed back down despite himself.
"I'm sure Mrs. Nakamura isn't going to fire me just because I'm like ten minutes late or whatever," Kou mumbled, chest pressed to Kei's back, face back to the other's nape again.
Kei found himself watching the door occasionally throughout the day, whenever he caught himself he'd grind his teeth. Kou was coming back, it was irritating that he had to tell himself that, but it was something that was always going worry him. What would happen if Kou died and Mrs. Nakamura called the police, what if they caught Kou before the other got back to him, what if Kou was subject to everything he'd been through? He wondered if the other would be able to handle it, that cold clinical horror, wondered if Kou would be able to understand why they were doing it. Maybe, maybe not.
He was watching the door again, but this time he didn't grind his teeth or snap his head away, Kou should be back soon. Heart hammering in his chest as a thousand different scenarios played out in his mind, all of them the worst possible outcomes that he could imagine. He'd crawled so far into his mind that he hadn't noticed the door opening, hadn't noticed that Kou had come back until the other was all that he could see.
"Kei are you okay?" Kou asked and that raised alarm bells, he hardly used Kei's given name.
"What? Why wouldn't I be okay?" Kei said, feigning normalcy despite the hoarseness of his voice.
"You're crying," Kou stated, concern clear on his face then.
"I-I'm not-"
Kei cut himself off, fingers pressed under his eye, pressing the wetness to his skin. His body had betrayed him, sitting back on his heels he wiped at his eyes.
"Did something happen?" Kou said, kneeling on the floor, one hand reaching out toward Kei with the other braced against the floor.
"Nothing," Kei spat, moving backward. He sighed, feeling guilty about the way Kou winced and recoiled. "Nothing happened," he breathed, rubbing his brow with his fingers.
"Then why were you crying?" Kou asked, so genuine and innocent, that face made Kei feel guilty for reasons that he couldn't quite discern.
"It doesn't matter," Kei muttered, turning back to his laptop, quickly bringing up his e-mails.
"It matters to me," Kou said.
At the sound of that heavy and firm voice, Kei slightly turned his head back, watching the way Kou's jaw set from the corner of his eye.
"It was something stupid, really it's nothing to be concerned about," Kei said, tapping out his reply to Tosaki.
"I doubt that anything that could make you cry is stupid," Kou said flippantly, standing, pushing down on his knees as he rose from the floor.
As had become routine, Kou had fallen asleep before Kei even considered going to bed. That night though, he was woken by the way Kei moved against him. The opposite of the night before, Kei crept closer to his back, sliding under the sheets. Kou tried to stay relaxed against the sheets, tried not to alert Kei to his wakefulness.
One arm slung over his waist, the other slid under his neck slowly as Kei shuffled up to his back. Body pressed along his own and Kou had stop himself from sighing at the warm gentleness of it, the other's mouth at the nape of his neck. Kei's hands were pressed to the middle of his torso, he could feel and hear the other breathing deeply.
"Nakano," Kei called, startling Kou.
"Y-yeah?" Kou asked, wanting to turn his head back toward the other but he didn't, it would have been too awkward and quite uncomfortable.
"Be careful," Kei said after a short while, words falling like lead from his mouth.
"I am being careful," Kou said, pressing his hand over Kei's.
"Just be more careful," Kei sighed and it tickled Kou's neck.
"I will be," Kou said, "I promise," he added, squeezing Kei's hand.
The other relaxed against him then and it clicked together, sort of. Maybe Kei was worried about him, Kou worried about them being found out from time to time, he worried a little about Kei he wouldn't deny that to himself. So it wasn't such a stretch to believe that Kei worried about the same things as he did.
Kou's alarm woke the pair of them, Kei groaned pressing his face into the space between Kou's shoulder blades. Pulling himself closer to the other, sinking into Kou's warmth.
"I need to get up Nagai," Kou murmured softly, peeling the other's hands away from his body.
"You said that ten minutes wouldn't hurt," Kei grumbled, resisting the other.
"Ten minutes," Kou said pressing Kei's hands back to his body.
Being wrapped around another living, breathing person was strange. It brought strange feelings to Kei's heart, something he could barely recognise as a kind of possessiveness. He was somewhat ashamed of it, but unless Kai broke out of prison or they broke Kai out of prison then Kou really was all he had. Honestly he wasn't about to go bothering his sister, there was no use in that.
Since Kou was all he had wasn't it kind of natural for him to be a little possessive, it made him feel weak though. To be affected by someone's presence enough for it to change his actions, wriggling the fingers of his hand against Kou's ribs, a motion reminiscent of when he pushed the other to the floor.
Then there was longing too, a kind of absence, a hollow ache when Kou wasn't around. Kei was pretty sure that it had more to do with the ever present threat of them being caught, than with anything to do with him actually wanting Kou by his side.
"Nagai," Kou said, patting his hand against Kei's, "I need to get up."
Kei moved away, rolling onto his back, arm laid over his eyes. He'd gotten too close, so close to someone who gave out their compassion so freely, it was frustrating. It was infuriating how Kou had unknowingly gotten under his skin, the obliviousness of the pair of them drove him up the wall.
He wondered what he would do if Kou were to be caught, would he runaway like he had the first time, would he ditch Kou like he had Kai? That thought wallowed in his stomach, leaving people behind, it wasn't as though he enjoyed it. It wasn't like he'd discarded Kai with ease, at the time it had really been the only thing to do, that didn't mean that it didn't leave a foul taste in his mouth.
"I'm leaving now," Kou said, pulling his shoes on beside the door.
"Bye," Kei said, not moving an inch.
When Kou came home, no one was there. Panic rose within him as he searched their two room apartment, it reached its peak and stayed there. One the one hand, Kou remember that when people went missing or you lost them that you were supposed to stay in one place or something like that. On the other hand though, how would he know if Kei was caught. He wasn't dumb enough to believe that their connections to Tosaki would protect them in anyway, heck there weren't even that many people who knew they were involved in taking Sato down, it wouldn't save either of them to pull that name. So going by that conclusion, contacting Tosaki in the event of one of them being caught would be of no use.
What was he supposed to do, his first instinct was to ask Kei, he laughed at himself then. How stupid could he get, did he just become useless when Kei wasn't around? That couldn't be true, he'd survived his whole life before he'd met Kei. There was something he could do, there had to be something he could do, right?
Pulling out his phone, he stared at it as he wondered if it was a good idea to try to message Kei. For some reason, he wondered what name he was under on Kei's phone. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, staring at Kei's name on his phone. He thought that he should change it, if he was caught then how long would it take for them to realise he had been travelling with someone else? Probably not long, they lived together and quite a few people had seen them out and about together, having Kei under the other's proper name would probably compound the issue. Then again, they could easily figure what who this was from the content of their messages, so much of Kei's character carried over into text.
Would it be so bad to text the other, he wondered. He figure that Kei would be irritated with him either way. Just as he was about to type out a message the door began to open, Kou watched with a mixture of hope and dread.
"You're early," Kei muttered, haphazardly kicking off his shoes in the entryway.
"Yeah," Kou sighed, just looking at the other had him feeling as though a planet had slid from his shoulders.
"What's up with you?" Kei asked, standing straight, brow arched pointedly at Kou.
"Nothing," Kou breathed, shoving his phone back into his pocket.
There was an urge, scratching just under his skin, he wanted to rush Kei down. He wanted to wrap his arms tightly around the other, to cage Kei against the wall. Naive ideas of protection when he knew Kei could handle himself, he just wanted to make everything better for the pair of them. Instead though, he just turned to their tiny kitchenette, he figured that Kei wouldn't have enjoyed it anyways.
Kei was wide awake, heart pounding as though it endeavoured to obliterate his lung and shatter his ribs, tear through his skin and for what end he wasn't sure. Really he couldn't think around the way Kou's breath was tickling his mouth.
Kou was wrapped around him, as had become customary, this time though the other was facing him. One leg slung over his, one arm around his shoulders and the other beneath his cheek. It was so warm, Kei didn't want to move a millimetre.
The other's face was gentle and relaxed, lips slightly parted and plump in a way that Kei hadn't bothered to notice before. Pressing his nose to Kou's wrist, the fragrant heady scent of the other drifted up his nose as he nuzzled against Kou's palm.
Was it too late to pull away? Was that what he should have been doing?
Kei was too tired to care, mentally exhausted, no amount of resets could change that. Kou seemed to be a good enough cure for that, slowly but surely he could feel the coiled tension in his mind unravelling. He pressed his fingers to where Kou's heart was, felt the steady beating of it beneath his fingertips.
Aesthetically speaking, Kei enjoyed the way that the light from the streetlamp outside coloured Kou's skin. Orange hue pressed along the other's face, such a warm colouring was quite befitting of Kou.
He hung one arm over Kou's waist, slid the other up Kou's shirt, feeling the warmth of the other's skin. Closing his eyes then, he thought fleetingly that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to get entangled with someone, with someone like Kou.
It was Kou's day off, which meant no alarm, which meant that they would lie in as long as they could. The pair of them were pretty lazy, it was practically a miracle that they got the garbage out on time.
Slowly coming awake in that natural way, Kou rubbed the sleep from his eyes and found the space beside him empty. He pressed his hand to it, feeling the residue warmth from Kei's body. The sound of rushing water from the shower found him then, Kei was only a room away and somehow just the thought of it felt scandalous.
He found himself wondering what Kei looked like naked, instantly groaning at the way his mind wandered. Dragging his hands down his face, was he growing a crush on the other? A while ago, not really all that long ago, he would have protested against that accusation loudly. Now though, he would admit that Kei meant something to him, meant quite a lot to him really.
They were a team and had been for some time, he'd thought it kind of cool, maybe they were just becoming a different kind of team. Maybe Kei was just recovering from everything that had happened, this was the first time that they could relax, as much as they ever would be able to, and maybe it was all crashing down upon Kei. What was that called, he knew it had a name.
Kei came from the bathroom then, fully clothed and towel slung around his neck. Beads of water rolled from the other's hair, slid down Kei's cheek.
"What's it called when you only realise something long after something happened?" Kou asked sitting up, the sheets pooled around his hips.
"Fridge logic," Kei said, approaching the fridge as he said it.
"That's a weird name, I thought it'd be called something cooler or at least something smarter sounding," Kou muttered, standing now, stretching with his arms bent backward.
"It comes from film/television theory," Kei stated, filling a glass with orange juice, "it's used to describe how you only see the flaws in a show or movie after it's over, like when you're standing in front of the fridge making dinner or whatever," he said sliding the juice back into the fridge.
"Oh," Kou breathed, he understood that much, he'd actually done as much himself, it wasn't quite what he meant though. "Doesn't it have a different name when it's got to do with traumatic events?" He asked and he noticed how Kei froze even as he was rolling up the futon.
"You mean PTSD," Kei said slowly, hands braced against the counter.
"Yeah," Kou said, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. He couldn't help but feel as though he had done something wrong, overstepped some sort of line he wasn't aware of, it wouldn't be the first time.
Kei sat out on the steps that led up to their apartment, temple pressed to the cool metal of the railing. Eyes closed, he tried not to laugh, but it was kind of funny how Kou had come to the right conclusion before he'd even considered it.
Post traumatic stress disorder, maybe he was low level or maybe he just hadn't mentally confronted everything that had happened to him. Maybe he was just being melodramatic and he should get over himself, maybe he'd never be the same again or whatever that meant.
"Nagai, you hungry?" Kou asked, standing in their doorway.
Kei lifted his head and turned to the other, pushed his hand through his drying hair. He shrugged and Kou sighed at that, he watched the other pull on their shoes and close the door.
"I hope you've got your keys because I don't," Kei said and Kou waved him off.
"Come on," Kou said, pulling Kei up by the other's upper arm, "you can't mope around all day," he said, not letting go of the other as he went down the steps.
Kei wanted to say watch me, but swallowed the words instead. Kou was making an effort, which wasn't really all that new the other always seemed to be doing everything they could to make everything better, it was far more than Kei was doing himself.
Following Kou down to the small shopping district, which amounted to one street in the small town. The other led him into a small and simple cafe, Kou spoke happily and a little too loudly about what he wanted to order as Kei just stared at the menu eyes almost glazing over.
Really he couldn't tell if he was hungry or not, elbow rested on the table and his chin rested on his palm. He picked something at random and chose a drink without a hint of caffeine in it, politely smiling at their waitress as he ordered. He dropped that smile the second her back was turned and stared back out the window, trying his best to ignore the concerned way Kou was looking at him.
Kou made all the effort to talk through their lunch, constantly pulling Kei back to reality. Practically nailing his feet to the ground, he gave short replies as he idly pushed his food around. The other never gave up though, kept Kei present through the day.
Walking through the streets, it appeared as though they'd switched places, Kou leading Kei around. Kou thought it kind of funny, wanted to speak back some of Kei's old comments to the other as they blindly followed him to the edge of town.
"Did you forget the way home?" Kei's voice came, lazily biting.
"You wanna be locked in that room all?" Kou asked, brow arched as he turned back to the other.
"It doesn't really make a difference to me," Kei shrugged.
Kou sighed, curled his fist around Kei's wrist and pulled the other off into the gentle wilderness.
Tall grass that came up to their hips and Kou finally stopped, Kei bumped into his side. A small sound expelled from the other from the force of the collision, chin against Kou's shoulder. A gentle breeze moved through the grass, shifting it in waves, Kou couldn't help but watch the way it flowed through Kei's hair.
"Yesterday, when I came home and you weren't there, I was terrified," Kou said, unable to keep the words inside himself any longer.
"Why?" Kei said, lip curled as he spoke, showing teeth and gums.
"I could only think of the worst," Kou replied, hyper aware of the fact that he was still holding Kei's wrist.
"We have phones, you can just text me or something," Kei said, eyes sharp as though he was daring Kou to continue this conversation.
"I know," Kou laughed lightly, adjusting his grip around Kei, he's never been the type to back down and really he loathes the idea of backing down against Kei of all people, "I guess I just over reacted," he said, running his fingers through his short hair.
A silence fell over them and Kou couldn't bear to look at Kei anymore, he let go and dropped his hands to his sides. Staring out across the field, watched the wind roll through the grass like it did the sea.
"I'm scared, sometimes I'm scared of what's going to happen to us," Kou muttered, looking back at Kei, watching the way the other stared at him with mild irritation, "mostly though I worry about you," he said, maybe those words would change everything between, maybe it'd change nothing, maybe Kei would completely ignore his statement.
"You don't need to," Kei murmured, mouth and jaw tight.
"That's not going to change anything," Kou said, "whether I need to or not, I'm going to do it anyways," he said staring Kei down.
"I understand," Kei said after a moment, hand pressed to the crook of his neck as he looked just behind Kou, "I guess I worry about you too, I mean you could be doing any kind of stupid shit when I'm supervising you," he grumbled.
Kou wouldn't comment on the light blush that dusted the other's cheeks, but he'd admit to himself alone that watching Kei open up so awkwardly and slowly was endlessly endearing.
Kei woke with a start, sweat matting his hair to his brow, breathing heavily against Kou's chest. There was nothing to hear over the blood rushing through his ears, there was hardly a thing for his mind to grab a hold of to bring himself back to reality.
Kou shifted against him, arms wound tighter around him, pressing his cheek to Kou's chest. He could hear the steady beating of the other's heart and he tried to breath in rhythm with Kou, washing calm down over him.
It was warm, just like Kou always was, he sighed into it. Throwing his leg over the other's hip, the crook of his knee pressed to Kou's waist. Wrist and hand curled around the other's neck, trying to get as close as possible, other hand reaching up to push through Kou's hair. Blunt nails grazing against the other's scalp, closing his eyes.
Kou woke softly with the sun, warmer than he'd ever been, blinking down at Kei's sleeping face. The other was coiled around him, Kei was stunning like this, striking Kou into a statuesque state. For a while he just laid there staring at the other, thick dark eyelashes pressed to Kei's cheeks.
Slowly and gently, he moved to run his thumb over Kei eye, hand cupped around the other's cheek. Kei's skin was soft, a little oily at the crease of the other's eyelid, but still pleasant to the touch. Kei's breath tickled his wrist, which caused him to notice the slight parting of the other's lips, he became fixated and before he knew it his lips were against Kei's.
For a second, probably less, he was embarrassed but then the soft feeling of Kei's lips and the warmth of the other's breath had him pressing forward some more. He moved his lips in the way he'd seen in movies, head tilted and he could feel the fluttering of Kei's eyelashes against his cheek.
He could feel the other moving, writhing beneath him, Kou tried to pull away feeling the impending onslaught of teasing and whatever sharp comment was going to come from Kei's mouth. That didn't happen though, instead Kei's hand came to the back of his head and pressed down hard, keeping their mouths pressed together. It was awkward and haphazard, teeth clashing and their noses bumped, still it was good.
Watching the door close, catching the glimpse of Kou's small smile as the other left, Kei rolled over onto his side. Face buried in his hands as he groaned, stomach flipping as he thought of the taste of Kou's mouth. He'd never felt anything like it before, had never felt something so exhilarating.
After they had pulled apart that morning, Kei had felt like he'd been running his entire life just to get to that moment and then he kicked himself for thinking something so cheesy. Kou had worn that look though, that funny lopsided grin and blown out eyes had him leaning in again. Pressing his tongue to the corner of Kou's mouth, tasting the salt upon the other's skin.
Kei wanted scream at the memory, how much he'd driven the exchange embarrassed him and it was just so much like Kou to hand him the control.
He had too much energy for almost no reason, he was giddy and he didn't really know what to do with himself. He stood, jumping out of the futon and busied himself with clearing away the sheets and pillows. When he'd folded it all up and pushed it back into the cupboard, he saw his futon folded there, he hadn't used it in days and probably wouldn't use it again for quite some time.
Pulling out a change of clothes, Kei shut the cupboard as fast as he could, wincing at the sound of the wood cracking against the frame. He brushed his teeth, staring down his reflection, it wasn't a big deal it was just a natural evolution of their relationship. And since when did they have a relationship? Kei's mind scrambled, flittering through all of their interactions, pulling up every instance of anything remotely meaningful between them. There were more than he'd thought there would be, more than it had felt like there had been.
Spitting into the sink, Kei muttered something he never thought he would have to tell himself. Watching himself speak, fingers curled around the cold porcelain of his sink.
"I won't run away."
The way Kei touched him was timid, Kou couldn't quite tell for sure but he thought that maybe the other's fingers were shaking against his skin. Kou couldn't stop his mind from jumping from place to place, he wondered when the last time that someone had really touched Kei was. The conclusion came to him easily, he couldn't help but shudder at the thought of it.
He wanted to erase that, remove every second of torture and replace it with his own touch. Pushing as hard as he could into the other's touch, slamming against Kei's mouth and they slid down the wall. He climbed into Kei's lap, breathing hard through his nose and pulling at the other's shirt, wanting to peel it away whilst wondering if that would mean crossing a boundary.
Then Kei's fingers were pulling at Kou's shirt, yanking it over the other's head. Wasn't that usually the opposite of what happened between, a role reversal where he considered what he should do and Kei forego thought, choosing to act instead.
Knees rubbing against Kei's hips, he smiled into the kiss and pulled the other's shirt off. He ran the back of his hand down Kei's front, the other's stomach shivering against his touch. Kei was smaller than him, paler than him, some people might think that meant that Kei was more fragile than him. Just the fact that Kei was there, open to him, the fact that the other had fought through everything and was still standing was proof of Kei's strength.
It wasn't the same kind of strength that Kou had, physical, impulsive and reactive. Kei's strength was that silent kind that most never saw, that most would believe to be invisible. Mental fortitude, in retrospect Kou had watched Kei erect that fortress around himself several times. That wasn't quite what he'd meant though, it was impressive but it was more born out of necessity and stubbornness. What he really respected was Kei mental malleability, the way that the other could twist themselves around any situation and think their way out of it, he was always in awe of it.
He had gone off on a tangent in his mind, pressing himself against Kei, mouth forced together so hard that he was starting to worry about bruises. His thoughts returned to the present and the way Kei's hands were firmly mapping out his torso, Kou set his hands to do the same, thumbs over Kei's ribs. A small noise stuttered out of Kei then, something like a giggle tearing the other's mouth away from his.
"Are you ticklish?" Kou asked, pressing their foreheads together.
"Shut up," Kei said, batting away Kou's hand, wrapping his arms around the other's neck pulling Kou closer.
And Kou did.
Muscles twitching in his thighs with his hips pressed to Kou's backside, hand flat against the small of the other's back. When he'd met the other he couldn't get rid of them fast enough, now he couldn't stand the thought of being torn from Kou for an entire day even.
"Get on with it," Kou ground out, fist closed around the sheets beneath them.
"How romantic," Kei deadpanned, feeling out the bumps and grooves of Kou's spine with his fingertips, trying to get the other to relax.
"Who said anything about romance," Kou said, smiling weakly over his shoulder at the other, "what, is your body crumbling?" He snickered, as though he'd been waiting a while to say it.
"Yes," Kei breathed, statement rushing out of his mouth like water.