ROCK'N'ROLL SUICIDE

by camcamino

Summary:

Tom is almost 19 years old, he has no future, no plans, he never goes to school and has to take care of his 5 sisters on his own, his parents are distant and barely there. The only thing he finds peace in is music. Beverly is almost 18, he's the school's journal director, he loves studying and reading. He loves life, nature and his long curly hair.
note: I WILL MENTION IF CHAPTERS ARE SAFE OR NOT IN THE START AND WHAT THE TRIGGER WARNINGS ARE.

Notes:

Finally ao3 accepted my account request and I can share with you all the story of my ocs. I would like to thank everyone that helped me through writing this, especially Vio, my lovely friend that read the fanfiction before anyone else, I probably wouldn't have wrote a thing if it wasn't for your excitement and constant support. I would also like to thank my beloved Tumblr mutals, I love you guys so much💕

Chapter 1: he was the young American

Tom didn't give a shit about school, or the town he lived in, or the people who lived there, or their boring habits... he hated a lot of things actually, there wasn't really anything he hated the most, it was all on the same level. One of the only things he really enjoyed was music, he was in a small band, where he found the real family he never had. Obviously, he had his own biological family, but his father was never there, his mother worked or went out with her friends every night, so he was the only one left to take care of his five sisters. (Nora, Lydia, Victoria, Johanne and Lily)
He often wondered why anyone would have six children but then leave them all in the custody of the eldest. He wished his parents had known about contraceptive methods when they were young.
His sisters annoyed him to death sometimes, but deep down he loved them, even though he would have done anything to go out every night and play guitar with his friends in small bars or clubs. Unfortunately, it wasn't always easy to find time between school in the morning, which he skipped almost every day, and his occasional job at a restaurant as a waiter, another one of the things he hated from the long list.
That day, it was a Monday, he had his alarm clock set at 4am like every other day, he was used to sleeping little and badly, the sun wasn't even in the sky. He got up, went to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. Terrible again this morning, wasn't that a bit too much for a boy who was barely 18? He didn't care by now, he had come to terms with it.
He checked his sisters' rooms, they were all still sleeping, his mother was also at home, but he was sure that she wouldn't offer to accompany them to school or prepare breakfast. He went back to his room and started to get dressed, with his usual everyday clothes, then he went out on the balcony to have a smoke and then went back into the house, he decided to take a shower, it had been at least a week since the last time he had had time to wash himself, it was pretty disgusting and he was ashamed of it, but that was the truth. After about 2 hours he started to prepare something remotely decent for breakfast and then wake up his sisters.
He went first to Nora (16) and Victoria (14)
"Girls! Wake up! Come on I don't have time to waste, you don't want me to come into your room do you?"
No answer, just a few sleepy moans, Tom continued to knock on the door of their room.
"GO AWAY TOM" the two shouted together
"I'm about to come in! in 3...2...1..."
Not seeing them come out yet, he threw the door open.
"I HATE YOU ASSHOLE!" Nora exclaimed
"Save the pleasantries, now hurry up I have to work this morning"
"But didn't you say you were going back to school?" Victoria asked
"There's no time to talk about this, get ready, I'm going to wake up the others"
After getting everyone out of bed, he looked into his parents' room, his mother was still asleep, maybe he should've woken her up, but he decided not to because she was terribly irritable when her sleep was disturbed. He sat down to have breakfast with his sisters.
The youngest of them, Johanne, 7 years old, started complaining "It's not fair that big brother doesn't go to school and we do!!" the little girl was struggling to use the knife, and was even more annoyed
"Dear, I go to school, but on certain days, not today, I have to work."
"But she's right Tom! it's not fair, you always say that 'you're working' but come on! Mom works too and dad sometimes sends us child support, I think you're hiding the truth from us, you go around with women!" Nora butted in
"Please Nora, you're not a little kid anymore, open your eyes, you know very well that it's not true, we don't have as much money as you think, dad barely sends 100 dollars a month and mom, well she spends her money on herself, but now I don't want to talk about this first thing in the morning" the boy tried to change the subject "How was your sleep?"
Nora sighed, she knew that her brother would never tell her about it and he usually kept everything to himself without asking for help if he needed it.
"I slept really well, and what about you? you keep waking up every morning at 4 and sleeping less than an hour? Do you know that you could get sick if you continue like this? My god you are a mess, it's obvious that you don't sleep"
"Could you stop lecturing me? I'm older than all of you and you should listen to me when I talk, now please finish your breakfast"
The girls continued to eat in silence, Johanne kept complaining because she couldn't use the knife properly so Tom helped her.
"It's not that difficult, you just have to hold it well" he said guiding her little hands.
After about half an hour they were all in the boy's car, which was too small for them all. Nora, Victoria and him attended the same school, they were the last ones he was dropping off, then he would go to work.
Victoria felt the need to say something, the only background noise was the music coming from the cd in the car. Young Americans by David Bowie, he was quite a fan of Bowie.
"I would like to join a journalism club at school, I spoke to the director, you know he is also a really good looking boy, he is in your grade Tom, maybe some months younger, although it is impossible to say for sure, you always seem older than everyone else around your age"
He almost laughed, his sister joining a journalism club? In their house there were no newspapers and the closest thing were gossip magazines with a test to find out if 'you more of an autumn or a summer'
"Why would you join? Do you like writing? Since when? You're not doing this because there's some remotely decent guy who's been nice to you?"
"Oh no, he and I are just friends, I told him I'm your sister, he says you're quite famous at school among the seniors, 'the boy who missed school two months straight' a real legend in my opinion. They want to write something about you and your band in the school paper, he asked me if I could somehow convince you to come to school and ask you some questions, it would be something informal. Please please please Tom, come today, I want a part in the journal so badly. I swear that dude is a cool, he had a Doors t-shirt" by now Victoria was just praying that he would come and she wouldn't give up until she got a positive answer.
"You know I have work and a thousand other things to do, I just don't have time"
"but you're young too! you're almost 18! You have so much time to work, but school? One day it will end! Pleaseee I beg you, it will be fun, that boy is so interesting and smart, he always has some strange book in his hand. I know, you have no interest in books, but there is something so attractive and mysterious about people who read! Please come to school today, I'll do the laundry for 4 weeks!!"
He thought about it for a few seconds and then, what did he have to lose? maybe his band could become better known thanks to this interview for the school newspaper.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Tom goes to school after months of being missing, he meets the boy his sister was talking about.

Notes:

HUGE THANK YOU TO VIO FOR THE TRANSLATION!!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!😍😍
I will be posting every Wednesday and Friday
I recommend listening to the playlists I will make for every 2 chapters I uploaded on Spotify, the link is on my tumblr account (@camscrive) and it's called "chapter 1/2" by Cam⸆⸉ on spoyify

What the fuck was he doing? How did they manage to convince him to do it? He was going back to school, after missing for at least a month, he had almost forgotten where his classroom was. He had literature on first period, which really pissed him off.
He sat in the back of the classroom, like he always used to do. All the others boys and girls sat with their friends. He was alone, but he spent a lot of time alone so that didn't bother him. He overheard a girl whisper something about him, nobody could believe that he was back at school, he couldn't even believe it himself.
Suddenly, a weird guy entered the classroom, his hair was big, curly and tied in a messy ponytail, he was carrying tons of books in his backpack and lots were in his hands, too. When this stranger saw Tom, his eyes lit up and he immediately took a seat next to him. Tom was a little surprised, 'that guy must be fucked in the head' he thought while looking at that mess of curls next to him. The stranger put his books down and held out his hand to shake. "Hello!! So you came to school! I'm so happy to see you, my name's Beverly, yeah i know, it's a female name, but my parents thought it was one of those names for everyone, and they also thought they were having a baby girl, actually, they weren't sure, anyways here I am, hi, sorry, I've talked too much."
Tom shook his hand, but why was this guy telling him his whole story when they had just met for the first time? He was crazy.
"uh...hi...my name is Tom"
"I already know who you are, silly! Everybody knows that, you had put on a show since you stepped into this school"
"thanks...I guess?"
Beverly let out a laugh. "Thanks? Is that all you got to say? I hope you're going to be more talkative during our little chat today, at lunch time, in the library. Your sister has told you about it, right? I hope so. Her name's Victoria, am I correct? Such beautiful names you have in your family."
This guy never stopped talking, Tom had no idea on what to say, fortunately some friends of his band arrived, they were Xavier, Alexander and Vincent.
"Hey mate it's been a long time! Who's this?" Alexander asked looking first at Tom and then at Beverly, he was kinda confused. Noone ever sat next to Tom except for one of them.
"oh nice to meet you! you must be the other band members! I'm Beverly, the director of this year's school journal. I was just telling Tom how much I wanted to interview you. I'd also like to know if it was possible to attend one of your concerts, a friend of mine is great at taking photos, we could give you good publicit-"
Vincent interrupted him. "Hey hey, calm down for a minute, go join your nerdy friends, Tom is our business, bye bye, get gone". His hand gestures were clearly telling him to go away.
Beverly was a little shocked by the rude treatment he was getting. "Excuse me? I'm just offering to do you a favor, you want to become rockstars, don't you? I'll be honest, nobody really likes you at school, you are noisy, you don't study, you never even come to class. But, I've heard you play, even though I don't look like the type of guy that goes to clubs. you could see the world, I wish more people understood it"
Xavier burst out laughing "you at a club? but do you think about it when you talk? you don't have to make up lies to tell people, we don't need it, we're fine the way we are, we like being a small band"
Tom decided to speak "Xavier be nicer to him, he's just trying to help even if he doesn't know us well"
"Thanks Tom, at least you'll come to the interview, your friends can be there too, but I'd like to talk to you individually"
Beverly stood up and left a piece of paper for Tom "here's my number, call me for more information on the publication of the article and the photos, I'm at the library most of the time and I can also help you study if you need it"
The curly stood up and went to sit somewhere else.
"dude what the fuck? did he give you his number? He is so fucking homosexual, you can tell by the way he walks, be careful he might have a crush on you, what a nightmare" said Vincent, more annoyed than before.
Tom stared at the piece of paper, he had really nice handwriting, maybe he could also get help with his studies, it certainly wouldn't hurt.

Chapter 3

That afternoon, Beverly was in the library studying history, listening to music on his headphones. Tom came over and sat down next to him, then tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. Beverly turned around and took off his headphones
"you should never touch someone while they're reading! you broke the main rule-" he realized it was Tom "oh hello, you came. I'm really happy to see you, you want to do the interview right? let's go to the recording room, we won't bother anyone there. you don't mind if I record your voice right?
"it's no problem, I thought that if you could help me study too it would be useful... I'm a little behind in the program, if I don't pass the yesr again I will leave school"
Beverly stopped for a minute, his face saddened slightly "sure, don't worry, come on, let's go, we can talk as much as you want in the recording room"
Tom helped him carry his stuff and they sat down at a table in the room, the curly haired boy tied his hair again and set up the recorder.
"Ready?" he asked, he still had a little hair on his face.
Tom simply nodded
"Full name?" Beverly had his notebook and was ready to write down everything he needed.
"Tom Royce"
Beverly wrote that down "but tell me Tomm....how did you learn to play the guitar? Did someone teach you or did you learn on your own?"
Tom reached into his pockets for a pack of cigarettes and pulled one out "when I was about 7 my dad decided it was time for me to take an active part in church life and play with him every Sunday. I hated it so much, they made me wear these fucking annoying pants and the Christian songs are all the same, no interesting rhythm, just 4 notes on repeat. my passion for music really started when I was 12 and listening to the radio, I fell madly in love with glam rock, the eccentric clothes, the strange hair cuts, the make-up..." he decided to ignore the more delicate part and not mention it, he remembered that day again when at 13 he stole his mother's make-up and a skirt from his sister, they were supposed to be out all day, but unexpectedly his dad came back, it didn't ended up well, and his father was about to kick him out of the house. Then he took out his lighter
"you can't smoke in here" Beverly reminded him.
"oh come on? do you seriously think no one has ever smoked in school? I'll give you one too"
"i said no, i don't smoke and you can't smoke in here, now put it away"
"I even saw a teacher smoking in a bathroom"
"and how do you know what happens in the teachers' bathroom?"
"i have my sources"
"please put that lighter away and let's go back to where we left off"
Tom didn't listen to him and lit a cigarette, then got up and went to the window opening it
"don't worry i know how to hide every trace, it took me 4 years to perfect this technique"
Beverly sighed and decided not to argue any further, there was no way to convince him.
"so...you said you like glam rock and its style? i imagine that in many of your little concerts you wear makeup and have eccentric clothes right?"
"well actually no, we remain quite normal"
"why?"
"not everyone likes guys who act like pussies, only if you're a star can maybe do it, but we're just a small group"
"there's nothing to be ashamed of, having your own personality makes it more likely that you'll be imprinted in people's minds"
"you don't know anything about the world of entertainment"
"maybe i'm not the most informed, but from my experience at the journal i learned that you have to always write something new, reinvent yourself, or they'll be bored to death"
They spent the next two hours talking and talking, but then the tape recorder ended and they stopped.
"thanks for your time Tom, it was really a pleasure getting to know you better, whenever you want you can come to the library to study with me, or you can call me, you have my number"
"thanks to you too, now if you don't mind i have to go pick up my sisters. you should come to one of our concerts, you can take pictures and everything to put in the article"
"that would be great"
"saturday?"
"Saturday it is!"
"I'll call you later and tell you the details"
he left the room with a different smile, he felt better suddenly

Chapter 4: Mom am I still young?

Summary:

tom gets home and his mother is also there, I am not responsible for the emotional instability this may cause you❤️

That evening his mother was at home, when he arrived she was preparing dinner. It was really weird and unusual for that to happen. 'In what parallel universe am I living?' Tom thought.

"Hi my darlings you are home!" she said all happy as hugged the girls. The youngest, Lydia and Johanne hugged their mother tightly and talked to her about what they had done at school. Tom remained a little wary, she had something planned, obviously. He didn't trust that woman, even if it was his mother.

"Am I dreaming? My mother? Cooking? Please, you will never surpass Tom's meals, he really is a 5 star chef" said Nora. Looking at her better Tom noticed that that evening she was a little strange too compared to usual, her makeup, usually always well-groomed, was a real disaster and she wasn't wearing his old jeans jacket as she always did. He decided not to mention it, they were not used to talking about their feelings in their family.

"My love Nora, I am a woman, and also a mother, my cooking skills are a thousand times better than your brother, you underestimate me" she said in a voice that was almost too sweet, forced.

Why was everyone so strange today? What had happened? A few minutes later they all sat down at the table.

"I have good news for you, but there is also bad news" their mother began. "I found a stable boyfriend, rich, with a nice house, he likes children, he is my age, it's just that..." Tom choked on the water he was drinking, he coughed a couple of times, then she continued talking. "Tom honey I know you're not going to like what I'm about to say but...we've talked and...we think you're old enough to live on your own, you know, get your own apartment and your own real job"

Tom looked at her like she was crazy "What the fuck? Do I have to remind you who pays for this house? Who buys the food and who works every night? Who? You by any chance? No I don't think so. What's wrong? Do you not need me anymore? Do you think you can just send me away when you don't need me? Because you found a man with money who is vaguely handsome? You disgust me"

"Tom- bab-" Nora in the meantime stood up with the younger girls and took them to their rooms, they shouldn't hear that discussion.

"No, stop this bullshit! I'm your son too if you forgot! Not just someone who works and takes care of your daughters when you don't feel like it! I know you never liked me, but it would be nice to hear a fucking THANK YOU every now and then! Why them? Why can they be loved? I always had to get by on my own when i was little, did you get with this guy just to have a reason to kick me out?! Don't start telling me that 'i'm old enough' because that's bullshit" he didn't even think about what he was saying, years and years of pent up anger were starting to come out.

"IT'S NOT TRUE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU'RE MY SON! my baby! I carried you inside me for 9 months and I brought you to light! you're my baby! my poor little one...." she started to cry, she tried to hug him and hold him tight, he was there as if petrified, he couldn't cry, his face had an indecipherable expression.

"you've grown so much, you've become so handsome, even if I don't like moustaches. grow a beard it would suit you better, or shave" she changed the subject, caressing his face gently, now he was even more confused than before. Why was she talking about his physical appearance?

"Why do you want to send me away?" he asked her in a thin voice.

"I don't want to send you away"

"Stop talking bullshit"

"But-"

"I'm not a child anymore, you can't hug me and say a few sweet words to convince me that everything will be okay"

His mother looked away, on the wall she saw some old family photos. "where did that happy, carefree boy go?"

"dead"

She put her hands over her face, surprised by that empty, emotionless answer. "don't say that... that child is still there somewhere, I know it, I know you better than anyone else"

"don't make me laugh, you don't know me at all, that child hasn't been here for years, he won't come back, he grew up, like you said, and I have to find my way. I'm 18 and I've been working since I was 13, all my time and money has been wasted in this house and in this shitty family, I have no future and they failed me last year. Did you know that? No, you didn't."

"Honey...I know you hate your father for how everything turned out, but you don't have to hate me too for his mistakes, I'm sorry you had to work so hard"

"You're sorry but you've never done anything to change it"

"You're really impossible! There's no way to reason with you, I said I'm sorry! You want the truth? here it is! I never liked how you became, the guitar, your hatred for church, for work, for school, not to mention cigarettes, because yes, I noticed the smell of smoke, I could smell it from miles away"

"Sorry for having little pleasures every now and then! It's the only thing I buy for myself, while you come home with new clothes every week my sisters use my old shit!"

"You've become just like your father, you only know how to complain." He looked at her terrified, but he was also terribly pissed off.

"What the fuck did you say"

"you're just like your father"

He took his guitar in the case that days before he had placed on the sofa and then forgotten to move. He left that house quickly, without his mother being able to say anything.

Chapter 5

He regretted that choice immediately.

What would his sisters do without him now?

Nora could manage but she didn't have enough patience to take care of the others. On the other side, he didn't feel sorry for his mother at all.

It started to rain outside, he felt cold, he had to find a place to shelter as soon as possible. He remembered the bar where he and his friends usually played, he reached it and went in, it was empty since it was Monday.

When Tom got there he was soaking wet, he put his guitar on a table and sat down. He started looking for a pack of cigarettes in his pockets, but they were all wet. He sighed.

Everything was going badly that night. Where would he sleep? He didn't know yet.

"Boy, what do you want?" the bartender asked him, a man in his fifties. "Oh wait, you're the guy from the band that plays here on the weekends! It's nice to see you, where's your band today? feel free to play if you're up to it"

Tom nodded "yeah...a beer would be nice"

The bartender took a bottle and passed it to Tom who had moved to sit behind the bar. "you're so wet, be careful or you'll could get sick."

Tom started drinking the beer in long gulps, then he took his wallet from his jacket's pocket, also wet, and started looking for some money to give the man. "oh no don't worry, it's on the house"

The boy nodded and said a weak "thanks"

"you've played so many times in this place, I like to hear new music. You're usually one of the loudest, what's up today?" Tom looked down, not knowing what to say, he didn't want to talk about it with a half stranger.

The man understood that it was serious. "Do you even have somewhere to go tonight? I'm about to close...I already sent my other employees home because it's raining and there's no one in here. Do you have anyone to call or a place to sleep? My wife wouldn't particularly like having a random boy in our house I'm sorry."

"I'll find a way"

"So that means you don't know where to go"

"I don't want to disturb"

"What are you going to do?"

"...Can I use the phone?"

"Sure, it's over there on the right." The boy nodded and went to the phone to dial the number. He tried calling his bandmates, but none answered. Having no other choice he called his house in hope Nora would answer to let her know he would be okay.

She answered immediately.

"Hi Nora, it's me, your brother"

"Tom! Tom, you piece of shit, where are you! What's going on? Mom's been crying for an hour and I can't calm her down, she says you took the guitar and left. Will you at least come back? Please say yes...do you want to talk to Mom?"

"No, I want to talk to you, not her"

"What happened? It's pouring  rain outside, are you safe? Do you have a place to sleep? Even a prostitute's house would be fine... Tom, I know you're angry with Mom, but I'm afraid she'll leave us all alone and I'll have to take care of everyone, like you did. I can't work, I don't have time and I-" her voice sounded more and more broken, he interrupted her.

"it won't happen, i promise, you'll be fine, if it's true that she found a rich long-term boyfriend, you'll be great, much better than when you were with me. Don't worry, I'm in a bar, i'll call you from there, i'll find a solution for tonight"

"What kind of solution?"

"I called my friends they said I can sleep at their place tonight." he lied for her own good, he didn't want to tell her the whole hard truth.

"I miss you Tom, I'm scared"

"I miss you too, everything will be fine. Give the others a hug for me"

"Will you be alright? You left your money here, you only have that wallet with those two cents that you keep for yourself... please at least finish school, so I can see you every day in the hallways... don't overwork yourself. When I'll have some money of my own i'll send it all to you" it was almost impossible to understand every word she said because she was crying too much.

"we'll be fine, everything will be fine, I'll tell you where I live as soon as I get an apartment, you could visit me"

"Come back, please. Don't give a damn about what mom says, I still need my big brother"

"I can't go back, she doesn't want me, trust me, it's better for everyone, you can have all my old clothes"

"Oh right, the clothes! You didn't bring anything! You can't wear the same thing every day, your stink will be smelled from miles away, call me when you get to your friend's house, I'll bring you a box with your things, and some money."

"Thank you, I love you so much, remember that, always. These are going to be difficult weeks but you're a strong woman, you can get through it, I did it when I was 10, why shouldn't you?"

"I love you too, even if you're an asshole. Call every now and then"

"I will, bye princess" he hung up the phone and sighed exhausted, he thought about which of his friends he could call to get shelter but no one came to mind.

He only had the number of the guy from the school journal, but he had just met him and it would have been rude to call him and crash at his house to sleep.

He counted the money he had left, barely 20 dollars.

"Dude i have to close" the bartender reminded him. Tom got up and started walking out of the place, stopping in an empty park and sitting down under a tree.

Chapter 6

Notes:

hii guys I'm back!! I've lost my password but now I've got the new one and will be posting two chapters today because of my absence, then I'll be back regularly Wednesday and Friday

That night he had barely slept, at least in the morning it had stopped raining. His back hurt terribly and he was shaking from the cold. He had to find a safe place to spend the night as soon as possible.

He decided to go get his car that he had left at his old house, he would have slept there if he hadn't found an apartment at a low price.

The following days passed slowly, he worked all day and anxiously awaited for his salary.

Thursday he went to school, he didn't really know why since he had bigger problems, maybe in hope to see his sisters in the hallways.

Nora was always thinking about her brother, every morning she carried some of his things in her school backpack to hand him in case he showed up. 

"Tom! Tom!"

He suddenly heard someone calling him, he turned around to see his beloved little sister, she ran to hug him. He smiled, for the first time in that horrible week.

"I missed you Nora, how are you? Is everything ok at home? How are the others?"

 "Tom it's not important now, how are you? I saw you came to get your car, did you find an apartment? Wait, I brought you some things." she started rummaging through her backpack and took out the bag with her brother's things. "here you are, I carry it with me every day. Damn, you really stink. There's some deodorant in here too, please use it."

Tom hugged her even tighter and then started to see what was inside that sacred bag: some clothes, underwear, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, money, a sandwich, a bottle of water and a drawing made by his younger sisters.

It wasn't much, but it was enough to bring him back home.

"Thank you, I'm so grateful for this, it's really awesome. Unfortunately I haven't found a house yet, but I sleep in my car, it's something."

"Next time I'll bring you a blanket, and a pillow! Let's do this, you come to school every Thursday and I'll bring you something"

He kissed her forehead. "You really are an angel, I love you so much, I'm going to the bathroom to change and brush my teeth"

"You're always free to come back home"

He didn't answer, he wouldn't do it, even if it wasn't easy living alone.

"See you next Thursday little brat"

Later Tom decided to stop by the library, he remembered that boy he had talked to days before, he found him sitting with his walkman and an open book, just like the last time they had seen each other.

"Hi" he tried to get his attention, Beverly heard him and took off his headphones.

"Hi!! I can't wait for the concert on Saturday, I'll introduce you to Anastasia, she's a friend of mine, she's really good at taking pictures."

"oh... right, the concert on Saturday, I almost forgot...what are you studying?"

 "Latin, I found out there was this extra class I could take, it's interesting, but also a little boring, the teacher makes me sleepy"

"Let's study together, as you said"

"Are you in the Latin class too?" Beverly asked incredulous.

"Oh nonono, I could never, but you could teach me or we could study something else together"

"Really? I'd love to. let's start with history maybe?"

Tom nodded, while the curly took out his history book, his hair were all messed up as usual and so Tom felt the need to touch them and tidy them up. Beverly looked at him and smiled shyly, then took a scrunchie to tie them up. 

"You have so much hair, not even my sisters have it that long, do you ever think of cutting it?" he asked out of curiosity.

"No, why? I feel good like this, I couldn't imagine myself with short hair, I haven't cut them since I was...maybe 15?"

 "Well I think they look good on you, they suit you...and your face"

"Thank you"

The following days they spent a lot of time together in the library, it had become a habit, even if they often did something completely different and talked more than studying.

Chapter 7: 10:15 on a Saturday night

Notes:

I've made a playlist for these last three chapters, it's on Spotify it's called "chapter 5/6/7" it's linked on my Tumblr.
this chapter will include the use of DRUGS and alcohol, underage.

Saturday night had finally arrived.

He hadn't seen his bandmates in a few days and they hadn't rehearsed, but he was pretty happy anyway. He arrived at the bar with his guitar over his shoulder, wearing worn-out jeans, a belt, a black tank top and the usual denim jacket with a thousand pockets.

"Hey man, what's up! We haven't seen each other in a while, huh?" They high-fived and started setting up their instruments.

"What are we playing tonight? That friend of mine is coming with a girl to take pictures"

"A girl? Is that his girlfriend ?" Vincent asked, as he set up the drums.

"oh please" Tom burst out laughing "No, she's a friend of his, he doesn't have a girlfriend. He's always studying and has no time"

"I imagine, it would have been weird. what about you? no girls huh? maybe tonight I can introduce you to some, they're really beautiful, you have to relax buddy. You look stressed, you haven't had a girlfriend in your bed for a while and it shows" Vincent continued to try to convince him.

"Too much shit in my brain, too many overwhelming thoughts man, maybe not today."

"Come on Tom, you've become so boring!" Xavier butted in. "You know... I managed to get some pills from a friend of a friend of mine... do you want something before the concert? they'll take effect in less than an hour, you'll feel better trust me"

Tom wasn't too sure, but he gave in and swallowed the pill about an hour before starting to play. He felt awesome, like he was reborn.

People started coming as they were playing, he was walking around the stage while playing the guitar acting a bit silly, he would have felt ridiculous in a normal conditions, but now he just felt really cool.

Suddenly he approached the microphone. His friends looked at him confused.

"I wrote this song, I'm sick of singing stupid covers!" He tried to revive the crowd and started playing the intro of the song, moving back and forth on that small stage, it was like in his own little world, but people liked it, they all seemed quite entertained, except for a few who weren't very convinced.

After a few more songs he started to feel dizzy, everything felt like it was muffled.

Luckily it was time for the break, he felt like collapsing to the ground, falling, but he getting up bursting out laughing like a child.

"Tom...? What the fuck? dude are you okay?"

Xavier helped him up, Tom continued to laugh.

"You have to get a grip buddy, come on let's go get a beer, it'll only do you good, trust me" he encouraged him and took him to the place where the cocktails were served.

Suddenly in the crowd he glimpsed Beverly. "CURLY BOY!! LOOK AT THAT DUDE OVER THERE!! FUCK! COME ON TAKE ME TO HIM! HE'S NICE! WE CAN BUY HIM A DRINK!!" he shouted like a madman while pointing at Beverly. The curly boy, a little embarrassed, approached them. "Hi Tom, you were really good tonight, I wanted to congratulate you. This is Anastasia, I've already told you about her, she doesn't usually listen to this type of music, but she confessed to me that she really liked your songs." Anastasia held out her hand to Tom to shake it, he squeezed it tightly and continued to smile.

"Yesyes, I knew you guys would like me! My friend's pills are a cure for everythingg-"

Xavier's eyes widened Tom couldn't just go around saying certain things.

"pills?" Beverly asked looking first at Tom and then at Xavier.

"Oh they were nothing!!" Xavier was trying in every way to divert attention from that detail. "just some stupid pills that make you a little tipsy for half an hour-"

Tom felt like he was going to throw up, he ran to the bathroom, he couldn't and fell to the floor, Beverly also ran to his aid and the two of them went to the bathroom as fast as they could.

He was slumped against the floor and Beverly was holding his head and gently caressing his back, he was worried, he didn't know that boy entirely, but he had noticed that his friends weren't the best. When Tom finished he let himself fall on Beverly's lap and felt tears welling up in his eyes.

 "shh..shh...let it out...don't worry I'm here"

Chapter 8: Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Notes:

this was supposed to be two chapters but I realized that chapter nine was really short and I didn't want to be an asshole so i I decided to give you long chapter. I hope you're enjoying it by far
I'm finding out how ao3 works and I feel like in a magic world✨

He had no memory of what happened next, he opened his eyes and was in a place he didn't know, in clean and perfumed sheets, wearing pajamas.

Was he dreaming?

He couldn't lift his head from the pillow, it hurt terribly, he looked around, everything was so tidy maybe even a bit too much tidy.

He saw him enter the room, the one and only, Beverly Deverly. He connected the dots.

He.

was.

at.

Beverly's.

house?

What had happened? Why was he in a boy's bed? Why was he wearing his pajamas? Why? He didn't think about it too much, his head hurt too much.

"You're finally awake, how do you feel? Headache? Do you want me to speak more quietly? Do you want explanations? You must have so many questions now..." the boy's voice was so sweet and calm, as if this was all in the plan. "I'll get straight to the point" he continued "Last night your friends drugged you and you couldn't take it, you ran to the bathroom as fast as you could, but you fell, i helped you up and you threw up, right after you fell asleep like a baby, that's why i took you home."

The other one took a few minutes to absorb it all then realized. "Is this your house?" he asked

Beverly nodded "Yup, my parents are also here so be quiet, they would kill me if they found you"

Oh right,parents. He still lived with his parents, well it was obvious, he wasn't 18 yet, he had forgotten what 'normal' kids his age did.

"How was I? I mean...last night" he asked.

"You sang well but you were acting like an idiot, one of your friends dragged you around the whole time, you know maybe they're not the wonderful people you describe them to be."

"what? they're my best mates, we've always been together, since I can remember, they're everything to me, my real family. They've never left me alone"

"I had to take you home and you know why? They didn't want to, they said to leave you in your car because you're used to it." Beverly couldn't believe how he could settle for friends like that.

"Why do you care? i'm just one of many, you could have left me alone, we don't know each other enough and-"

Suddenly Beverly came closer and their lips touched, Tom remained wide-eyed for a few seconds then began to appreciate what was happening, too tired to think, his hands rested on the other boy's hips as he sat on him.

Wait a minute- slow down the horses. What the hell am I doing?

He thought.

He tried to push Beverly away to make him stop, Beverly immediately noticed and moved aside, a little scared by the sudden change.

"Sorry I... well I don't..." Tom tried to apologize but the words didn't come out of his mouth

"Yeah, I should have guessed, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I don't know what came over me, I understand if you're not... you know what"

Tom's heart was beating wildly "you thought I was..."

"I mean..."

"oh"

it took him a minute to absorb that information fully.

"oh" he felt a certain disgust building up inside him, he wasn't like that at all, he was better, he wasn't...one of those people. At all.

"Sorry, it was just...a thought...I had, we've been so good together this week, and last night, leaving aside the final part, wasn't bad at all..." Beverly took his hand, carefully.

"I have to go" Tom stood up, too quickly though, and his head was spinning like never before.

What would his friends and family think after what had just happened? He couldn't just...kiss men and expect nothing will happen, there's always consequences somehow. He already wasn't a good example for his younger sisters at all, but when was he? The feelings he had tried so hard to repress for years began to resurface.

"No, don't go, please, you're still sick, you could fall and hurt yourself, or worse, you're not in the right state of mind. I don't want you to do something stupid, it's my fault, I shouldn't have...you know...kiss-"

Tom interrupted him "I'm perfectly fine, stop treating me like a chronically ill dumbass! where are my clothes! What the fuck is this pajama?"

"Oh right right, I put your clothes in the washing machine, they looked rather...dirty...you can get something of my brother's, he's in college now. Wait a minute"

Beverly got up went to the other room, now Tom was alone with his thousand thoughts, he couldn't believe what had just happened, he couldn't be like this, he absolutely couldn't.

Did it really matter?

A question he had asked himself every now and then, he had come to the conclusion that he had nothing to lose, and maybe even if he decided to stay with that boy for a short time nothing bad would happen..

He started to look in the boy's room when suddenly he returned holding a pair of jeans and a simple black t-shirt. 

"This is what I found, my brother brought with him most of the decent clothes"

"Don't worry, these will work" he took them in his hand and started to change, Beverly a little embarrassed tried to look busy looking at his bookshelf.

"I just wish....you were a girl" Tom said softly.

"What?"

"If you were a girl I could love you"

"So you just want the distorted version of me you've built in your head?"

"No, I'm just saying that....two men shouldn't be dating, they shouldn't kiss"

"Why? Where is it written? Who says it? Why shouldn't they be together? Because it says in the bible you read as a child or some shit like that?"

 "it's just the way the world works!"

"bullshit, i didn't think you were so conservative"

"well maybe you should stop imagining things that i'm not! Shit. this has become unnerving, i've known you less than a week and you think you know me!"

"you wanted me to leave you alone in a shitty public bathroom of a club to throw up? Is that what you wanted? Well if that's the case i won't think twice next time! Go fuck yourself and your old man mentality!"

Tom walked out the window without saying a word.

"Oh good! run away! and here I thought you were a decent person!" Beverly yelled after him as he walked out.

---

Tom didn't have a single second thought, but damn, it was the second time that week that he ran away after an argument, but maybe this time, he felt like shit and the last conversation with his mother crossed his mind.

The last words she had said. 'you're like your father'. He was better than that, he was sure of it, even if... thinking back, he was starting to see the resemblance.

He smoked, he drank, he had just gotten high, he had run away from home and from the only person who had supported him.

Now he just sat down on the sidewalk, tired, the headache persisted.

Beverly, a little worried more than angry decided to leave the house and check on the boy, he really didn't want anything bad to have happened to him, as much as he hated him.

"Are you still here?" he asked sitting next to Tom, that didn't answer, he simply looked down, exhausted.

"Do you want me to take you to someone? maybe a friend's house or a close relative's house..." 

Tom was silent again, he had nowhere to go 

"Anything at all?" 

He shook his head, Beverly sighed and put his arm around the boy, which looked like a poor abandoned puppy. 

"You can stay at my house, it doesn't bother me, you can sleep and rest, we don't have to talk, I promise" 

Tom held onto the other boy, he was shaking. He felt lonely and as the days passed the more he wanted a place he could call home, he felt like crying, it wasn't something that happened often.

But maybe things would be better with that boy next to him.

Chapter 9: A night like this

Summary:

sex is mentioned, it isn't described though

---

The next few months passed quickly, they saw each other constantly, Tom felt that something was changing in him, he was no longer part of the band, no longer hanging out with the people he used to, he continued to play the guitar.

He had met Beverly's parents, they already hated him, he was constantly at their house, they didn't know that he and their perfect son were together, but there were clear signs.

Beverly continued to work in the school newspaper and had millions of things to study for the finals, Tom didn't seem to care at all.

Beverly and Nora got along very well since Tom had introduced them, they were a terrible duo, they only knew how to gossip. 

Tom had gotten into the habit of going out every morning, sometimes he worked, rarely went to school, he wanted to make new friends, to find new regular places to play, maybe he could form a new band with new people. 

Beverly wasn't thrilled about his boyfriend that was still skipping school even though it was no use, he couldn't convince him to stay in school, they both knew he was going to fail again and drop out, they had given up.

Beverly kept pushing himself to get the best grades and prove to his parents that writing wasn't just a waste of time, but they had already applied to a business college, they wanted another son who could run the family business at all costs, he had no choice. They would take him in Yale for sure because of all the extracurricular activities he was involved in and his perfect grades.

But there was some good news.

They had a new weekly 'tradition', they dressed 'fancy' (Beverly was the only one who respected this point) and went to a club together that only played jazz. They had so much fun, it was different from what they were used to months before, but it was a thousand times better. They had become regulars at that bar, they could even kiss.

That Saturday they had gone to that place too.

They were sitting on a sofa, Tom had one arm around Beverly and in the other hand he had a cigarette.

"I'm just saying that the Smiths are overrated! that's all! sorry love" Tom said laughing, they were in another of their playful arguments 

"the man who has all the CDs in his car speaks! guilty!"

"love I admit, they are good, but Morrissey has to stop complaining into the microphone"

"Try saying another word against Morrissey and I will cut holes in all your precious band t-shirts"

"You would never do that, for one simple reason: you wear them all the time too, you know I see you when you sleep with my Guns n Roses t-shirt"

"I never have clean pajamas!"

 "you're a liar, a dirty liar"

"at least i don't go around saying the smiths are overrated"

Tom kissed his cheek "you're the kind of person who cried like a baby when they broke up"

"Why didn't you?"

"of course I did"

"We're not that different huh?"

"I'd say no"

They looked at each other for a few minutes and then Tom grabbed his face and they started kissing, as usual he had his hands on Beverly's hips. The kisses were getting faster and messier.

"My parents are at a cocktail bar" was the code phrase that Beverly used to usually say two things

1. No one's home.
2. I want to make love to you so much that they should sedate me.

"Good for us" Tom took his hand and they stood up "bye bye guys, see you next week!" they said goodbye to everyone at the bar and like kids ran out 

"You're an idiot" Beverly continued to laugh

"you're the one who asked me that. How could I say no?"

 "I love you idiot"

Tom stopped running for a minute and started kissing him.

"hold back please! at least until-" but Beverly couldn't even finish the sentence that felt pulled closer 

"I have an idea" he took his hand again "let's go buy a cd, i want the new the cure album, we can put it on in the background, wouldn't that be great?" then they started running again to the nearest record store 

"it's closed Tom! you know that better than me! You study the schedules every day, we can buy the cure album another day, why don't we put The Smiths on instead?"

 Tom burst out laughing, as if listening to the smiths while having sex was the funniest thing he had ever heard "please there are times and moments for those things"

"but it will be fun! they put me in the right frame of mind"

"your brain should be studied and put under a microscope"

Hours later, they were at home, in bed, Beverly was lying on top of Tom and the two were talking about nonsense.

"my god have I ever told you about how kids are assholes and how people should stop having them" Tom started like this, for no particular reason.

 "oh please not again, should I add this to my list of things you hate by any chance? I should write a book about it, '200,000 things my boyfriend hates and why' "

"it would be a best seller, if you ask me. Anyway let's get back to my thesis. I will never have children, why bring other living beings into the world? I speak from experience, I raised my sisters, and children make a mess, they never sit still, they cost a lot... not to mention when they grow up"

"you sound like someone who has lived a full life, you're barely 19" he caressed his cheek softly.

 "you're exaggerating, I'm fine, what's past is past, I can't do anything about it"

"then why don't you ever sleep at night, sometimes I wake up and see you on the balcony, you can talk to me, you don't have to keep it all inside you know? it's your first time being alive too" Beverly kissed his cheek and took him in his arms "you're not getting out of bed tonight"

"nooooooo I have to go for a walk I need some fresh air, I like to get some fresh air"

"by "get some fresh air" do you mean smoking?" Beverly laughed.

"you know..."

"you have to sleep, you idiot, I'll tie you to the bed" Beverly started to hold him tighter and tighter, both boys laughed.

After a few hours and a lot of complaining, Tom fell asleep, Beverly continued to hold him tight, he was so sweet. He often forgot how young Tom was and how much he had gone through

"Oh but what will I do without you Tom when I go to college" he whispered

Notes:

Yes this is the 2nd time I have a the cure song as a chapter title. I love the cure. anyway, while rereading the story in translation I'm not really satisfied with how it went because it feels so forced and rushed. Anyway, I'm too tired to edit it all and I have no inspiration.
I really like this chapter because they're happy and The Smiths are mentioned🩷

Chapter 10: Parlez-moi de lui

Summary:

this chapter will include flashbacks in:
-1968 to when Tom's parents met
-1976 when Tom is 6/7 years old
-1983 Tom is 13
Marie = mother
Marcus = father
everything written in bold is said in french. sorry guys idk french
tws: alcohol, unconsensual sex mention, bad parenting

Notes:

these have been sitting in my drafts for so long and I never even thought they would be included in the fic but here we are. Long chapter🎀

It was late at night but neither of the boys were sleeping, Tom had his guitar in his hand, trying to remember how an old French song his mother used to sing to him sounded. He tried to hum a little in the language, but his pronunciation was horrible.

"Why are you singing in French?" Beverly asked him, a little curious.

"My mother was born and lived there for 19 years, then she met my father on vacation in America and they had me. She barely spoke English, they got together quickly and ruined each other's futures. Life is beautiful i guess"

"Your mother is French? I didn't know that. Wait, are you saying they had their first child at our age?

"Yes they weren't much older"

"How does a person give birth to 6 brats in the space of 10 years or less?"

"I have no idea, my father should learn to keep it in his pants, unfortunately he never knew how to do it, and I am the result."

"I'm sorry"

"No, don't be sorry, it's not your fault, my father is an idiot"

"Have you ever been to France?"

"Only once, when I was about 4, Victoria hadn't been born yet. It was just me, Nora, mom and dad. As far as I can remember, my parents didn't hate each other completely yet. I have fond memories of that time, it was all so easy... anyway, I was thinking that we should go to the lake one of these days, I can drive, the good weather is coming."

"Are you seriously thinking about the lake after this conversation?"

"yes? the lake is beautiful"

"it's far away"

"so? I'll let you choose the CD to listen to, go wild, put on whatever you want"

"seriously? you never let me do it. 'my car my rules' you always say"

"love I would do anything for that beautiful happy face" he took Beverly's face in his hands and kissed him.

"what an idiot I am to have fallen in love with you"

"you love me?"

"more than anything else"

they started kissing passionately.

"I want to write you a song"

"I thought you had already done it, you played it at a bar, but you spoke with feminine pronouns"

"yes but this time I want to write a song just for you and for you alone pretty boy"

"I like being called that"

"I know that's why I did it"

Tom started improvising on the guitar, the melody was sweet and slow (something like "My Angel by Adrianne Lenker)

---

And with a sweet melody we get transported back in time to summer '68, Marie was a French girl like others, she loved Edith Piaf, Françoise Hardy, the Beatles, skirts and red lipstick even if her mother was against that one.

That year she had gone on holiday with some of her friends to California, she liked going to the seaside and had never been outside of Europe before, she barely spoke English and hoped to find a nice boy, as her friends said 'Americans are the most handsome and charming of gentlemen'

She didn't know what to think about it, she would have preferred a British man, like Paul McCartney, she was so in love with him.

That day she was on the beach with her friends, they were sunbathing on some loungers.

"Marie, have you seen that boy?" one of her friends asked her pointing to a boy who was playing volleyball with his friends.

 "oh yes, he's not bad"

"not bad? but have you seen him Marie? he's really beautiful in my opinion, you should talk to him, maybe he'll come closer in a little while"

The boy continued playing, when his ball fell near Marie and her friends.

"oh hello" said the boy

"oh- hello" she said shyly 

"my name is Marcus, yours? you're not from here are you?"

She shook her head "Marie, I'm French"

"nice to meet you Marie, these must be your friends?"

"exactly"

"why don't you come play with us? or maybe we could go for a swim and then go for a walk"

she looked at her friends for approval, they nodded and encouraged her.

"sounds fun" Marie got up and followed Marcus.

In the following days the two continued to see each other at the beach, when one day Marcus decided to invite her to spend the evening with his friends at a pub.

"Marie, do you drink?" one of the guys asked her after they sat down at the table.

"not much"

"fuck girl you barely speak, come on loosen up, we won't hurt you you know?" Marcus replied a little mad while he was drinking his beer. 

"come on try a little, it's good, 100% American."

They handed her a glass and made her drink it, the feeling didn't displease her and she tried to form complete sentences in English.

"how do you say-" she pointed to her glass "in English?"

"beer, that's beer"

"you know girl you have a really pretty face, I didn't know European girls were cute" the guys continued to make cheeky comments.

"you're very...cute...but I prefer the British to the Americans" she replied with a giggle.

"the British? overrated, trust me"

"how could you know"

"just take their accents, they sound like dumbasses"

"well what if I like it?"

"you have no taste"

The hours passed and dinner was over, Marcus accompanied Marie to her hotel. They sat on a bench. 

"teach me something in French" Marcus already had his hand on her thigh and was caressing it. Marie suddenly felt a little uncomfortable, but she didn't say anything to him. 

"what do you want to know?"

"mhh... how do you say... you're very attractive?"

she told him and immediately after he started kissing her, but he wasn't gentle or calm at all. She tried to push him away but in vain.

"no...Marcus no"

"what? what's wrong? come on let's go, I don't want to do anything bad, have some fun!"

They never spoke about what happened next.

---

Months later the two decided to get married, Marcus went to France with Marie to ask permission from the very strict parents of the girl.

She was happy, or at least, she believed that it was the right thing to do.

Marie's parents agreed immediately, an American seemed like a good match and the wedding was celebrated in the USA.

She spoke better English now and shortly after their firstborn was born, an adorable baby, with rosy and soft cheeks, so small he didn't bother anyone and almost never cried.

The day he was born Marcus was at work, Marie tried to call him but received no answer, she gave birth alone with only the doctors at her side. She cuddled that baby a lot, she would have liked to call him André but Marcus decided to give him the name of his father who had recently passed away, as was usual in his family.

Tom Royce.

A name maybe too strong for such a small and innocent child according to the woman, but unfortunately she had no say in the matter. 

However, she spent most of her time at home alone with Tom, she held him in her arms and sang to him, strictly in French. She loved him so much, her little one, she had promised herself she would never let anything bad happen to him, she would protect him from any harm.

---

1976

Little Tom was six years old, he loved his mommy a lot even though she didn't spend much time with him.

It was late at night and he was curled up in his bed waiting for his mommy to tell him a story while tucking him in.

He waited for a while, but there was no sign of his mother, she was probably in her room with dad.

He didn't mind and waited patiently. 

He heard some screams coming from the living room, he was a little scared and was hugging his crumpled toy.

Then he heard the front door slam loudly. 

He was even more terrified, he didn't want his mommy to get hurt, so, trembling, he went out of his bed and headed towards the front door. 

"Mommy? Mommy are you there?" he called her. 

His mother was sitting on the floor, crying, wearing only her underwear and hugging her knees to her chest, she was shaking, poor thing. 

"Mommy!!" The little boy ran to the rescue and hugged her tightly.

But there was no sign of his father.

"go to your room, immediately" even though she was crying her voice was firm and stern.

"but mommy-"

"I said go to your room you idiot!"

The child didn't listen and continued to cling to her, now he was crying too.

"what happened mommy?"

"you're so annoying! useless, you never listen to me! no one in this house listens to me and I always have to do everything! Get up, stop hugging me, your father would hate it."

Tom stood up in front of her and looked down.

"good. head up, like a man"

He obeyed her. There was a moment of silence between the two but then she started crying again looking at her son, she stretched out her arms to take him and he didn't have to be told twice.

She kissed his head and caressed his back at the same time.

 "I love you so much my little boy..."

---

A few months later his father came back, it was Tom's 7th birthday, he was smiling and running around the house, his mother was scolding him while she was busy making breakfast. 

Little Tom was even happier because he had recently learned about the new addition to their family, he really wanted a little brother.

His father was sitting at the head of the table reading the paper and drinking coffee.

"daddy daddy! I'm a big boy now! I'm 7 years old!"

"mh" the man didn't consider him at first. "that means you'll have to start going to church more often on Sundays with me and mommy young man" he continued 

"Yes daddy! I can't wait! I'll make you proud!"

"you better do it"

That Sunday they made him get dressed up and took him to church, he was good, he sat next to his father and kept his back straight.

---

1983

13 years old, playing guitar, having his first job and he had 5 sisters, the youngest was only a few months old.

His house was a real mess, he was learning to cook and was constantly holding his little sister, his mother wasn't doing well and he didn't want to bother.

"Tom Tom Tom!! This is you!!" exclaimed Lydia while holding a drawing of what looked like a blue potato with a bit of hair on its head.

"uh...really cute sweetie thanks"

"thank you!!! I want to be an artist when I grow up!!"

"if you keep this up you will become the best artist in the whole world" he kissed her forehead. Johanne, the youngest, was as usual in the boy's arms and started to move and make little noises "I think she likes it too"

"Yes!!!" she was jumping around the room all happy "can I show it to mommy?"

 "honey don't disturb mommy, she's very tired after Johanne was born."

"I miss mommy I want a hug from her"

the little girl clung to her brother's legs, holding him tight.

"I know, honey, we all miss her, but now I have to finish preparing dinner, please, let me cook, then we can play, go draw another picture, we can hang it on the fridge"

At that moment Nora also arrived, followed by Victoria, in the living room to talk to Tom.

"I'm out of glitter glue Tom can you go to the store and buy it?"

"maybe tomorrow, I'm busy can't you see?

"but I need it!!"

"go buy it yourself, I'm cooking!"

"everything you cook tastes like shit!!"

"Nora, watch your language"

"Tom Tom!! I've finished reading my book! can you go to the library and return it for me??" Victoria asked, who had gotten in the way. All the girls started to bombard him with questions.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE"

The girls suddenly calmed down and looked down in shame.

Johanne started to cry at the sudden loud noise of her older brother's voice, who started walking around trying to calm her down.

He was really exhausted, he couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want to be a 13-year-old father of girls who weren't even his.

"sorry" they all said in unison.

"it's no big deal, make me a list and tomorrow I'll go shopping"

---

Later that evening after eating, like every day he made a cup of hot tea and headed to his mother's room.

He knocked and after a few minutes she let him in.

"good evening mom, I brought you tea and some biscuits, how are you feeling?" he asked her as he sat down next to her, she remained silent, looking at the ceiling.

"do you want me to go?" Tom asked her a little worried.

The woman shook her head and took the tea.

"today for dinner I made pasta like you taught me, do you want some after tea?"

"I'm not hungry"

"it's fine... mom... I have to talk to you about something I know you don't want to but I have to"

She nodded and he continued.

 "we don't have money to pay for the school bus, dad hasn't sent us anything for a few months and you don't work anymore..."

"you always talk about money. Why do you care? You're a child. Youu and your sisters can always walk to school, god gave you feet, use them"

"but the school is far away and many of the girls are small and don't want to walk that far"

"What do you want then? it sound like a you problem. Go work if you really want to, you're 15 right? the right age to start working"

"actually I...I'm 13"

"you're lying, you're just lazy"

Tom sighed, he didn't want to argue right now.

"They wouldn't hire me anywhere, and I don't have time to work, Johanne is 2 months old now you know? she needs someone to take care of her"

Her mother fell silent again at the mention of her youngest daughter's name.

"I don't care, dad will hire you as a mechanic in his store? We'll figure out what to do with the girls"

"but I don't want to be a mechanic"

"what you want to do isn't important right now, what matters is making money for our family"

And they both fell silent.

Chapter 11: The Freewheeling Tom Royce

Summary:

trigger warning: pills/antidepressants, sex, drugs mention, use of homophobic slur

Notes:

I'm gonna post it a bit earlier because on Tuesday or Wednesday I won't have time
I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did while writing it

Yet another night at a club, but not a jazz bar like usual, a real club.

Tom felt strangely good, his new antidepressants were working, they weren't like the last pills and he didn't feel incapable of thinking for hours and his head didn't even spin.

It was almost time for him to go on stage, Beverly was holding his hand, he was a little worried, the last time Tom had sung, it hadn't ended in the best way.

"are you sure you want to play? we can go home if you don't feel like it" Beverly told him.

"but no, I'm great, I'm serious. Even if I can't wait to go home with you and act silly" he kissed his cheek, smiling.

"are you sure you're going to be okay? what are these new pills like? they prescribed them for you, right? that doctor seemed nice, I hope they work. when you took the last ones I didn't even rec-"

Tom put his finger on his mouth to silence him

"shh shh we don't have to talk about this now, you know there's something I want to do with you right now"

"i swear if you say you want to smoke a joint i-"

"no! of course not you make everything about joints, you always exaggerate and worry too much. I wanted to... do something more interesting, you'll like it too, i swear"

"ahh so you're taking me to a library and I can choose all the books I want without you complaining about the hours spent there?"

"fuck no. Maybe another day. you're terrible at flirting, you know? classic Smiths fan. What I was talking about is...let's say even better. I want to fuck"

Beverly giggled a little "now? am I hearing it right from mr-I-hate-doing-anything-in-public-spaces? can you hear yourself when you talk? I won't do it in a dirty bathroom in a club, I don't want to get sick. Why don't we do it at home in my comfy bed like normal people?"

"ah ha, you're not funny at all, you're usually the first one to ask me to do it in the most unlikely places. remember that time in the library?"

"we didn't do it in the library, you took me home shortly after I asked you"

"well you're right, but everyone here does it. I'm in good health and so are you, we won't get hurt, I always carry protection you know"

"last time it was broken."

"what can I do if they're fragile and I have too much stuff in my pockets!?"

Beverly started laughing again, Tom joined in his laughter.

"oh okay, I have some intact ones"

Tom cheered "hell yeah!! come on let's hurry before I have to go on stage"

"I'll just let you know that it's better when I am on top, not you"

"you just say that"

"you know it's true"

Shortly after Beverly was pushed against the wall of a small stall in the bathroom, his arms around the other boy's neck.

"can I come love? please can I? I can't promise you how gentle I'll be though"

Beverly couldn't even answer that a stifled moan escaped his lips, he nodded.

His breathing became more and more labored but he felt so terribly good.

"fuck if you're hard Tom, it almost hurts, go slower" he whispered tiredly out of breath.

Tom stopped, thinking about it it was a shitty idea.

"can I?" 

"y-yeah...just...be more gentle"

and he kept going for a few minutes, when suddenly he heard a voice.

"Is there anyone in here??"

He started feeling disgusting, his heart beaten fast, that bathroom was pathetic, he was all dirty, sweaty, smelled of smoke, Beverly didn't even want it entierly and just to make the situation worse he would soon have to go and play the guitar.

What was going through his head?

He pulled his pants back on faster.

He came out of the bathroom and saw a girl standing. 

"oh hi Tom it's you! don't you remember me?

"uhhh..." he genuinely didn't know who the fuck she was.

"I'm Martha Easom, we went to middle school together! we dated for months and we went to church together every sunday"

oh.

OH.

Now he definitely remembered. The first traumatic time he kissed a girl.

"right...hi Martha. How you doing?"

"good... I'm good Tommy, what about you? it seem like you were...having a good time in there? who's the lucky gal?" she was looking down at his pants.

He was rather confused and looked down at his pants too noticing a little stain and his zip was still down. Quickly he fixed it and tried to hide the stain, chuckling awkwardly. 

"ah ha, no there's no one. I don't have a girlfriend"

"really? what a shame... wouldn't you like to fix it?" she started getting quite close to him and she touched his chest. 

He glanced away at where Beverly was in the small bathroom cabin, he really hoped he didn't come out. To get his attention Martha squeezed his pack. He flinched uncomfortably.

"oh Royce, you never even known how much I've been wanting to do this... we never got the chance at 13. Are you still that pretty church boy? you looked hot in that suit. How did we call you? we used to have a nickname for you, do you remember it? Fairy-fag" she continued grinning like a devil.

"Woah woah" he kept chuckling nervously, he definitely didn't want to remember that stupid nickname. "how about we slow down! I gotta play the guitar y'know what I mean?? I have to play the guitar in this club... you can call me later obviously...yeah...nice talk, see you later."

He immediately went back to the cabin to take his guitar and tell Beverly about it all. He kissed his lips and quickly and started running to the small stage before Beverly could say anything.

"but- wait! I don't have your number!" she yelled after him.

He turned around and stopped for a second. 

"oh I can tell you immediately! it's 666 666 666!! call me baby"

He got on the stage all sweaty and messy.

"Hello, my name is Tom Royce, I play the guitar and no I do not play armonica or folk music."

Nobody was even listening to him, some looked confused. 

"I'm gonna play this for every "jumped-up pantry boy, who never knew his place" This is This Charming Man by the Smiths, fuck yourself if you don't know it. Beverly I beg you to come out of that fucking bathroom because I am playing a The Smiths song and I know you love that band"

Beverly was there indeed, he looked at Tom, he couldn't believe him. How did he go from "sad little puppy" to playing The Smiths? He hoped Tom was getting better somehow or maybe they just gave him some kind of energy drink. How bold of them. Tom loved energy drinks, probably even more than alcohol, and Beverly always had to keep him away from them.

Tom just looked at him and smiled happily in the haze of a drunken hour. Oh heaven knows he's miserable now.

Chapter 12: A burnt child loves the fire

Summary:

tws: throwing up, homophobic slurs, tom Royce is always on drugs

Beverly has never been a sociable boy with many friends, he would have liked to, but he has always had a problem with socializing: he would talk too much if he got too close.

At school he didn't have many friends except for one or two rare people who went to different classes.

He always carried a book around, maybe it would have been the start of a conversation with someone, but it had never happened. 

He walked home alone, with his walkman, he didn't really mind solitude, since he met Tom things many things had changed, but at school he was always alone anyway. 

He felt particularly disgusting and stressed, he had so many tests to study for and he couldn't concentrate anywhere, at home he had to deal with his parents and the poor Tom who, having no place to stay, followed him like a lost dog.

He felt a little sorry for him, and he was worried, he tried to go to the library like he usually did to concentrate but Tom tended to get bored to death in there, feeling the constant need to move, smoke, so he often went out and went to some place unknown to Beverly.

"Bev can we go eat? I'm hungry, I think I skipped breakfast, but I don't remember. I might not have even had coffee, we have to make up for it, I hate not drinking. I saw a fast food place nearby, I can pay you know? Payday! They gave me a little less because I don't go to work as much as I used to. What are you studying?"

Bev looked up from his notebook and sighed, he looked at Tom who was smiling. 'weird, it must be the effect of pills' he thought, but he didn't point it out to him, maybe he was genuinely happy.

 "i'm not hungry and i have a lot of studying to do but i can come over if you want company. what do you say? payday? that's great news"

"what a drag you're never hungry you always have to study! fuck it, you don't always have to be number 1 in the class, your life won't end because of a B!"

Beverly didn't want to get mad and cause a scene, he got up and started putting his things in his backpack, Tom was definitely not the best person to argue with, especially in that fragile state.

They got to the fast food place mentioned before, sat down and ordered some food.

"do you remember that friend of my sister? One of the many immature sixteen year olds? classic, standard white boy. guess what happened?" Tom spoke while eating chips

Beverly nodded to him to continue.

 "my sister heard he got caught in the bathroom doing it with another boy. He's such a fag can you believe it? he got suspended and his parents will send him to some kind of military academy. I would have done the same if he were my son."

"Tom. You were smoking weed when you were sixteen."

"we're not talking about me now! we're talking about that boy! Don't you think that's disgusting? you shouldn't be doing that with another man in a school bathroom!"

 "Okay, maybe doing it at school is a shitty move, but it seems to me that you are condemning the fact that this boy is gay. Tom...be honest with yourself"

"I am! It's not normal, and it's disgusting, really disgusting, men are made to love women and women are meant to love men, that's how the world works. Two men can't even get married. It's illegal, it's against the law and against every religion"

"Earth calls Royce, Let me guess,who is it that asks to fuck every fucking night? Of course not me, because I try to concentrate and get good grades! I don't even have time to turn around and you're already half naked on the bed."

"I don't want to talk about it here in public, you're making me uncomfortable"

"You never want to talk about it, you never talk about anything and I don't understand you, maybe it worked at your house, but not with me. Tom we've had the "two men shouldn't get together" conversation countless times and every single time you were on drugs, I'm tired this is getting repetitive and boring"

Tom continued to eat apparently calmly, as if nothing had happened. Beverly couldn't take it anymore, he looked at the sandwich in front of him with a certain sense of disgust.

 "i'm going to the bathroom. don't follow me." he quickly got up and went to the bathroom. 

He could feel the cold sweat running down his forehead, everything was so disgusting in that fast food, the bathrooms smelled bad. He could feel his breakfast and probably also the dinner from the day before, rising again, he threw up in the toilet. He was short of breath, he had to get out as soon as possible, he just wanted to go home and take a bath. 

Later, in a thick silence, the two arrived home. Beverly with the little strength left opened the door with his keys, only to meet them: his parents.

His father was looking at him and Tom as if he was trying to read their souls.

"Hello boys."

At that point in the day Tom was not really lucid and would have said any kind of bullshit.

"Oohhhhhh hello dad how are you? it's been a while since I've seen you, your son is so amazing in bed I'm not kidding...." Tom was dead drunk, even though he hadn't actually drunk that much.

Beverly's eyes were wide and he couldn't find a proper excuse for everything the other boy was going to say.

"Excuse me, what are you talking about young man?" asked the father, turning to Tom with a sense of superiority.

"You don't know??? Dude! Come on! Don't be silly! I'm sure you've heard something..."

"Beverly William Deverly I demand an explanation."

 "Dad... are you seriously listening to what Tom is saying? He's rambling. It's been a long day."

"Hurry up and get dressed for dinner. Don't think you're going to get rid of this so easily."

Minutes later, everyone was sitting at the table, including Beverly's mother, who occasionally glared at Tom. The maid began bringing the first course.

 "Tell me... what's your name? Tom? oh right, Tom Royce the son of Marcus Royce and uhh...that...cashier? Your father's a very respectable man, I took my car for repairs and he was always honest. He never mentioned he had kids though. Your mother on the other hand... hmm... I don't know her, I don't do the grocery shopping, I have someone who does it for me"

Beverly's father was a bit rude, Tom, even if his brain was not at peak concentration, understood two things:

1. he was saying that his father was a good person
2. he had so much money that he could pay someone specifically to do the shopping for him.

"My father's asshole" he said without any filter.

All three Deverlys made the same indignant face, only Beverly's was a little less dramatic and was genuinely worried about Tom and what he was about to say.

"excuse me what?" 

 "he's an asshole! a piece of shit, a bastard. you heard me! he's good at pretending, that's why he seems so good"

"boy watch your language, I don't tolerate these disrespect words in my house!"

Beverly butted in trying to fix the situation. 

"dad I can-"

"shut up! it's between me and this rude guy you brought into my house!" he interrupted him. "you don't say those things about a parent, he created you, he supported you by giving you a house and basic needs"

"that's where you're wrong mister Deverly. My father never did shit for me, I mean yes, he "generated" me as you say, but my family's house, until a few months ago, was entirely paid by me, that man only knew how to have a drink with his colleagues and go to a barbeque."

 "i don't believe you. You look like you've never worked a day in your life"

"i've been working for 7 years, in a total of 9 places"

"oh yes i think i've seen you before, you're that waiter from that cozy little restaurant in town, me and my friends went there for dinner." the woman intervened.

Beverly in the meantime was looking at his plate and moving his food back and forth with the fork, It had been a long day. Suddenly everyone's attention fell on him.

"aren't you eating anything?" his father asked him

"i'm not hungry"

"what a waste. come on eat some or you'll always be a skinny little boy."

Bev looked up from his plate and saw Tom and his father who had already finished everything and his mother busy cutting the meat. Then he too began to cut little pieces too.

---

Later that night Beverly didn't want to sleep in the same bed with Tom, he felt strange, he missed his personal space and he wanted to read, to get the events of that day out of his mind.

But he knew there was nothing else he could do, they would sleep together, Tom had a terrible headache and it was dangerous to leave him alone for too long, he was lying on the bed without energy, like every day, it was a scene already seen and Beverly knew how to act, but this time he really didn't want to take care of it, even if he felt guilty.

"could you make some space for me? you know it's my bed too"

Tom rolled onto the other side, Beverly put his hand on his back, he was cold, shaking. Then he checked his forehead, he was frozen.

"you're freezing! I'll go get you another blanket, don't move from here"

After a few seconds he came back with a soft blanket and placed it on the shaking boy.

"is it better now?" he said as he lay down on the bed too "do you want me to make you something? Hot tea maybe?"

"no" tom said with the last thread of his voice, he curled up in the other boy's arms and started to cry. Beverly was petrified even if he expected something like this to happen, everything is repeating itself

"I want to go back to being a child, I don't like being an adult, I never liked it. I want my childhood and my teenage years back, they were mine first" his voice broken and sobbing. "I want another chance, just one. Why can others and I can't? Why can my father always come back and say he's changed and wants another chance with me but I can't? I can't stand being me anymore, with this life with these thoughts with this body, it's the only one I have. it's the only personality I'll have and I'm sorry you know this one" he continued to sob, he hadn't open up like this in ages.

"you've seen your father?" Beverly asked him, increasingly worried 

"yes... he says he wants to start over, he heard that I ran away from home, he says I can stay with him, work together again, it looks like he wants to be a parent" 

"love... I don't know your father entirely but from what you've told me, you can't trust him" 

"I'll never change, just like my father. I can't take it anymore, I can't take it. I don't know what to do or where to go because there's nothing for me, no one, only you, but you have so much to do, and I have nothing ahead of me. No future. Kill me while I sleep, I'll abandon myself to death without protesting" 

"don't say that! I'll tie you to the bed if you dare to say it again. I love you, there's something out there for you I'm sure one day you'll live peacefully, you won't have to worry about your so-called family, you'll have your life and your family, which doesn't necessarily have to be with children, you'll be surrounded by people who love you for who you are" 

"Is it childish and stupid to say that I just want a hug from my mother?"

"no dear it's not, I'm sorry I can't make it better"

Tom without hesitation hugged him very tightly, even too tightly, while he cried and cried, he was desperate, hopeless.

"you should have seen that child, he was so stupid, but full of desires"

"It's not his fault, the world was too cruel to him"

Notes:

I had the fucking worst week so I'm gonna make this chapter sad, I cannot believe we're already at chapter 12, I made it much longer than I expected. Beverly Deverly you are just like me.
Also, the title comes from The picture of Dorian Gray if you guys don't know

Chapter 13: nobody's son, nobody's daughter

Month of May, school was about to end.

Everything continued to go well, or at least it seemed like it from an outsider view, sometimes Tom didn't speak for hours, or in rare cases for entire days.

He was terribly tired, he worked a lot, as much as he liked to be with Beverly at his parents' house, he had to find his own apartment soon because his boyfriend would go to university in a big city. Tom could not afford to live in there and he still did not want to leave his sisters entirely.

That day they decided to go to lunch with Nora at a restaurant, Tom wasn't speaking much, he listened in silence to their conversations. Nora and Beverly laughed.

"Have I ever told you about that time when my big brother here at my 10th birthday party put on makeup and wore a fairy dress with a wig and entertained my guests?? His voice hadn't changed yet and he sounded like a little girl! One of the best birthdays of my life!" Nora as usual was busy telling one of her silly stories to embarrass her brother.

"Damn Nora, you really won't let me forget this until the day I die! I was just an asshole, barely 12, stop being a pain in the ass"

Tom was already annoyed enough by everything and everyone that day, the many drowned out voices in the restaurant were driving him crazy, he needed a cigarette, he started to search in his pockets but Beverly stopped him, shaking his head.

"what? come on Tom I was just kidding, don't think about it too much, what's past is past! it's not because of something that happened with dad right? what's wrong now? do you want to bring up another of your weird traumatic stories with him? it's become tiring! you can't use him as an excuse for everything! stop being an asshole trying to make us all feel guilty!" Nora said, tired of her brother's attitude.

 Tom felt like he couldn't stay silent anymore.

"So now I am the bad guy? so this is how shit turned out? I've saved your ass countless times and I've never complained! don't tell me mom put that in your head...according to her all I am and all I'll ever be is an idiot just like dad who will never accomplish anything in his life, but I thought you were smarter and better than that, I gurss I was making too many assumptions"

Beverly, having noticed that the situation was taking a turn for the worse, decided to change the subject.

 "You know, we should go to the movies one of these days, I heard that-" but he was interrupted by Nora

"you are such a dickhead Tom, I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine, because it is not! it's really not! you live at the house of this guy's parents, who you are clearly in love with but you keep denying it for no reason. You never come to school anymore, that's nothing new, but it was the only place I could see you. Do you ever think about us, about me and your sisters? Mom doesn't give a shit, we can't talk to her about anything, she forgets to do the grocery shopping or the laundry or breakfast... she only knows how to spend time with that stupid boyfriend of hers, we are about to move into this guy's house, and most likely they will throw out all your old stuff, everything you left. We miss you Tom. for me and I think I'm speaking for the others too... you are more than a brother, you are like a parent, who has always supported me, no matter what happened."

 "we've already talked about this Nora, stop going back to the same old shit. let's be honest, even if I wanted to, what could I ever do about it? I can't do anything, absolutely nothing, Nora, I already have so many things to think about, I love you so much, I really do, I love you and the others more than anything else, but..." he took her hands and squeezed them "darling I can't put my whole life aside again to take care of you"

Nora looked down at his rough and damaged hands, she hated how they felt on hers, they were full of little cuts and it seemed like he didn't care anymore.

But deep down she knew.

There was nothing to do and that Tom was barely an adult.

She missed her brother and the relationship they had.

"You could have done great things with your life" she said, speaking softly.

 "that's the way the world goes, you can't always have what you want, get used to it darling"

"but it's not fair! you need to open your eyes and realize that you didn't do anything and it's still your fault! you're the one who chose to give up everything and do nothing, you could have gone to school and studied, or continued with the band! why don't you see each other anymore? why don't you play anymore? you don't do anything! I worry about you and I don't know where you'll end up at this rate! do you take some medicine? did you go to a doctor who prescribed you some? you're weirder and quieter than usual! I know, we've both always been different and weirder that other kids but I don't want you to take drugs to fit in, I like your perks but I hate when you act like this"

everything around him continued to become more and more overwhelming, maybe his sister was right, where was he going to end up? he felt himself slipping further and further dow.

"ungrateful bitch" he muttered

"Excuse me? what did you just say."

"I said you are an ungrateful bitch! you always think about yourself and I got you to used to being cuddled and having it easy, I should've been harder on you. I'm not different, I am just an average man, I'm not weird, I'm just me and I am normal"

"we both know it's not true, quit this act you're pissing me off"

"Why don't we talk about something else? Nora, do you have any plans for college? I know it's a little early to think about it, you still have two years left, but maybe you have an idea" Beverly tried to change the subject again.

"Well... I'm not sure, but I would like to be a fashion designer... or at least work in the fashion industry, I've always liked making my own clothes"

Tom almost laughed "as if that will take you anywhere. Dear little sister, me and the boy sitting next to me are living proof that you can't make money with art, you can't do anything with that shit, it's useless, he wanted to be a writer, and do you know where the fuck his parents enrolled him? in economics! He'll work in a fucking office his whole life! Sure, he'll have a lot of money, but his brain will be moldy! He'll never be able to write again! And me? I wanted to be a rock star, and instead I'm a waiter!" 

"Enough Tom, let your sister talk, just because it went badly for you doesn't mean it'll go the same way for her!"

After about another half hour of very heated discussion they said goodbye and went home.

The drive home was silent, Tom was driving and smoking with the window a little down.

 "When were you going to tell me that you're still taking pills? I'm really mad, I thought we could trust each other" Beverly broke the silence, a little disappointed 

"Even if I had told you it wouldn't have changed anything, I'm fine, they're not heavy things, I'd act crazy if I didn't take them" 

"I just don't understand you sometimes" 

"get in line, you're not the first one" 

"Look Tom, I love you, and I was pretty sure you felt the same, but after the recent evens I'm not so sure anymore. Do I really mean anything to you? What do you want from me? Just my parents' house? my money? or my body? Tom come on, I'm going to college soon, in less than a month I'll be out of school and we'll only have this summer to spend together. I need to know if spending this time together is worth it or not"

The other boy didn't answer, he continued driving in silence, then parked his car, but it wasn't his boyfriend's parents' house, but another place, that for Beverly was unknown

Notes:

next chapter's gonna be a bomb can't wait to share it omg, this one is yeah, sad (no ria I ain't making the gays gay, gay means sad because I decided it)

Chapter 14: Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die

Tom came out of the car and opened the door for Beverly who, a bit confused, came out too. 

“Where are we?” he asked.

Tom didn't answer, he seemed anxious and he kept fixing his unkempt clothes or picking his skin. Beverly took his hand, he was mad and wanted explanations but he hated the habit of ruining his hands the other boy had, reason why every week he forced him to cut his nails.

“Where are you taking me? you can tell me”

Tom kept being silent and the two got to a lake, Beverly was dazzled.

“This place is beautiful! how did you find it out? Why did you take me here?”

“it reminds me of you”

Beverly’s expression sweetened and hugged his boyfriend, he felt immersed in the beauty of the place and in the familiar smell.

“You deserve so many good things, maybe in another life we were those trees over there”

“one life is already enough, i don't need another one”

“you should be kinder to yourself and other around you”

“Why would I? The world has never been gentle with me, there's no reason why I should do otherwise”

Beverly sighed, he knew that was just his mindset and he had gotten used to it.

“You know what I do when I come here?” Tom asked

Beverly shook his head and let him continue.

“Screaming” 

“sorry what? you scream…here? What if someone hears you??”

“Nobody ever comes here, it's just me. wanna try it out? let yourself go, take a deep breath, take my hands”

He counted to three and they let out two loud screams. He had to be honest, it was liberating.

“let's go sit there” Tom took his hand and started running toward a tree. “I always sit here, I used to come here often with my mom when I was little. She told me her and my father carved their initials on this exact tree” he took beverly’s hand and made him feel the tree “right here. promising each other eternal love. It didn't work out, everything is temporary, there's no such thing as ‘eternal love’ or ‘forever and always my darling’ because we're all going to die or going to get tired of each other. We are all temporary on this planet, on this universe. I think that…the only way to carve your lover into your soul forever isn't just putting your names on trees, you have to put an effort to make it better. Let's make a practical example. My parents never tried to improve and change themselves or their relationship, they made each other worse with every word they said and I am just the product of these words, lies, hate, of a hand in another unlovable hand.”

Beverly was speechless and looked at Tom’s face. “you're more than that, you're-”

Tom put his finger on his lips. 

“What I mean to say is that we need to change. Let's run away, take my car, fuck that Uni, and whatever they will teach you. We could live the moment, Carpe Diem, as you say. Every day we'd listen to a different CD by a different artist and we'd sleep in shitty motels. We would make love, often. I'd buy little curtains to put in my car of whatever color you choose so you could sleep in the back peacefully with some pillows while I drive. You could write poems, books, stories. We would be finally happy and free. I never thought I'd tell this to someone but… I want to spend my whole life, every single minute I have left in this shithole with you” 

That proposal completely threw Beverly off.

“I can't…Tom you know I can't honey, I love this plan, a lot, but…I have to study, go to college, make them proud, even if I don't like what I'm studying and it's not focused on a subject I like. in another lif-”

“no. shut up. shut up. shut up shut up shut up! I don't want to hear your “another life” bullshit! Me, you, everyone around us, all we have is this body, this world, this life, this soul, we're not sure about what is going to happen after death, we don't know anything about it, there's nothing certain, but if I'm sure about one thing is that I don't want to leave you, never ever ever. Please, come with me”

Beverly took his hand but Tom jumped up impatiently. "Bev c'mon! please, we'll live our way! it will be a beautiful life even if simple full of adventures, please, I have some saved money, we could do it. When it becomes legal we could get married, but for me it's just a piece of paper”

 “you can't just demand that I leave my whole life behind and run away with you! Fuck I have responsibilities too! I love you but I don't fucking want to ruin my whole life for you in the streets! I'm not a coward for wanting a decent life! Why would I ever marry someone that never talks, takes weird psychotropic drugs, smokes and has probably some sort of mental illness!! I have to study, I will have a good life and I won't starve on the street in your car that smells like rotten feet!" he also stood up.

"WE COULD BE HAPPY!"

"WE'VE BEEN ARGUING FOR DAYS! HOW COULD WE EVER BE HAPPY!"

"THIS IS WHY WE NEED A CHANGE. I’m going to rip all my hair off if I stay here some more” 

They both stayed silent for a few minutes

“this cannot work out”

“what?” 

“you, me, everything. let's be honest, there's nothing we can do”

“there's always something to do, there's always a way out. I love you Bev, I've never loved anyone like you, I don't feel like I have to be different or though with you, I feel peace, and I don't want it to end, I can't let this happen” He held him like water in his hands.

“I hope you will find some who loves you as you are”

Beverly bitterly walked away, Tom just standed there, he didn't try to stop him, he didn't do or say anything.

Chapter 15: Love that comes, love that goes

Summary:

tws: drugs

Notes:

FORGET ABOUT THE STORY ENDING I GOT NEW IDEAS
It's gonna be fire if it's as I imagine it
kinda short chapter but take it as an introduction.
I posted one day earlier because I have way too many things to do tomorrow😭😭

June 15th

He didn't go to work, he didn't eat, he barely moved, on the couch of the room of a cheap hotel, he looks at the ceiling without thoughts, nothing poetic about the way he takes up space.

A few hours before he took some pills and his brain simply wasn't there, not a single thought.

“If you want to stay here you have to pay” the receptionist told him, he just stands still with his eyes unfocused.

“Hey, I'm speaking to you! I said you have to pay or I'm kicking you out”

He looked in his pockets for his wallet but there was nothing. 

“I'm kinda short on money right now, I'll pay next month”

“There’s no way I'm letting you do that, you've already said it last week and the week before that, you're out”

“I can play the guitar, hire me, I can play really well, you won't regret it"

The receptionist thought about it for a minute and then agreed to make him play one song to see if he was actually good.

Tom took his guitar and started playing a simple melody, then he started singing a song he wrote months ago with Beverly’s help on the lyrics. It focused on the uncertainty of love and, therefore, on the precariousness that a romantic relationship can have. Love changes and it is not just about love towards the partner but, in some way, self-love.

[[I imagined something similar to “Amore che vieni, amore che vai” by Fabrizio De Andrè. It's such a beautiful song go listen if you don't know it, highly recommending, touch this to get straight to the song on spotify]]

Once he was over the receptionist and the few other people in the room clapped and one of them spoke up. 

Tom wasn't sure if they were a boy or a girl, they had a big afro, their face was painted white with an amazingly done eyeliner, not even one of his sisters would've been able to do that.

“Awesome song man! Did you write it?”

“Thanks, it's mine oh well…almost, I got a little help from…a friend”

“I bet you could make numbers out there”

“I'm no big songwriter, just a random dude with a guitar”

“I see. Anyway, me and my friends have a band, you could jam with us sometimes, maybe even this evening if you're free”

“It doesn't sound bad but um I'm not really creative recently I don't play a lot” he lied, he wrote a lot but he wouldn't let anyone listen to his depressive gay songs not even disguised as straight using masculine pronouns.

“It’s no big deal, we can do covers, we really need a guitarist. My name’s Morgan, what's yours?”

“I’m…-” he thought about it for an instant, Tom Royce wasn't his true self, it was just the name they gave him, who he was pretending to be. “Cruë, Cruë Muse” he said as he shook Morgan's hand. 

Chapter 16: Wilted Roses

Summary:

tw: blood & self harm mention (none of the characters actively self-harms in this chapter, it is implied) homophobic slur

Notes:

the last chapter basically started the second act of the story which I have no clue of how it's going to come out ajdhsh
have a nice day, take care

Morgan’s bandmates were staying in a small basement full of musical instruments and posters. He was a bit afraid to seem not cool enough for them and he hoped he could keep the whole “Crüe Muse” act for a while. “So these are my bandmates: I'm at the bass, Blaire at the drums, Kruz is the singer and Sharon is at the guitar.” Morgan introduced them.

“Hi, I'm Cruë nice to meet you”

“Crüe? like Mötley Crüe? seriously? It's a cool name, I didn't think white families in this ass town were this creative” Sharon said a bit skeptical.

“Who even said I have a family from here” he took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it up while setting his guitar.

“Well, let's say you look like any poor white boy I see around, but if Morgan says you play good I will trust their judgment. Let's hear what you can do”

‘Crüe’ started playing the song he played at the motel not so long ago, he almost forgot about the people around him and his thoughts only went to his co-writer and wondered what he was doing right now.

Sharon didn't seem particularly impressed by the song, or at least that's what it looked like to everyone.

“Your music’s not bad but you need to change that whole…homeless look of yours, then maybe we can get you as another guitarist or singer, your voice is pretty” Blaire said.

“You haven't even told me your band’s name, give me a reason why I should join you” he lit up yet another cigarette.

“Oh don't play hard to get. I may be making too many assumptions but I don't think you have money or a place to sleep.” Kruz joined in the conversation.

“Plus, I think you'd look good with blue hair, painted nails and eyeliner, you have an androgynous face" Blaire said as Crüe almost choked on his cigarette.

“I have a what-? You haven't even told me your band's name”

“Wilted Roses, we're called Wilted Roses”

“Wilted Roses?? Please don't make me laugh, what genre do you make?”

“a bit of everything, we mostly like glam rock, glam metal…well, anything with glam in it” Morgan answered calmly.

“I'm in.” he said without hesitation.

“you- what??” Sharon was stunned by that quick answer.

“I said I'm in, Sharon. I want to be in this band, c'mon dye my hair and cut them as you like”

“Maybe we're rushing things how about we play a few songs before-”

“I said I'm in this band, I want you to dye my hair whatever color you decide and i don't know…pierce, tattoo me, put on eyeliner, anything is fine, whatever you want, I'm fed up with my appearance, as long as you let me smoke while you do your things”

“That's the right spirit, man. Blaire is so good at this, she's the best tattoo artist I've ever met, she tattooed the band's logo on our wrists.” Morgan said, thrilled by the news. Crüe lifted up his sleeve, a sign that it was alright for him.

“As long your band’s logo isn’t a dick”

“Woah woah” she gazed at his arm. “Why are there so many band-aids here? I'm not sure it's safe to use my tattooing tools, let's wait until that…thing…heals and I'll get it done” She pointed out to a still freshly bloody poorly cared wound. He immediately pulled his sleeve down, embarrassed, he had almost forgotten about those.

“It’s nothing, none of your business, but please now, let's start from somewhere else, maybe you can dye my hair now”

“Sharon is an expert at dyeing. Can't you see her purple hair?” Blaire pointed at Sharon who was jamming guitar on the couch.

“I don't trust that bitch” Crüe immediately said, he wasn't 100% serious but part of him meant it.

“I'm not doing shit for this fag” Sharon answered but started picking up the shampoo and hair dye anyway and gestured for him to come to the sink.

After a few hours she was done, he looked into a mirror, he touched his hair in disbelief, then smiled.

“You did a good job, thanks Sharon”

“You're welcome, but don't think we're friends just because I did your hair. My guitar skills are still better than yours, you look like you'd play Starway to Heaven for a girl at a first date to impress her"

"We'll see, I may impress you"

"I find it hard but you never know, you may actually be good"

Chapter 17: Letter to the unknown

Beverly stared out of the window of his hot room.

“Summer isn't made to be wasted Beverly, get up and get some job done, wash your sweaty curls, or cut them off I don't give a fuck” he told himself often but still he gave up. 

He almost forgot how boring life could be without Tom or school.

He wished he could just bury himself in homework to stop thinking.

It was too hot to study anyway, so he got up and picked up a random book from his shelf.

Franz Kafka’s letter to his father.

No. 

He couldn't fucking read Franz Kafka in that situation, it would've made him even more sad about his future as an artist in STEM.

He couldn't possibly compare himself to Franz Kafka now, it was far too depressing, but he did anyway and picked a few sheets of paper and started writing a letter.

August 19th, 1989

Dear Tom,

I think about you often and it's hard to get you off my thoughts, as much as I try my mind will forever hold your memory and grasp to every inch of what's left hoping it will bring me back to you, but it's pointless, it's no use. 

I cannot light up a fire in the pouring rain.

In only a few weeks I'll be god knows where.

I won't even sleep in the bed we used to share, where we used to kiss…laugh…even cry at times.

It's ironically sad how you swore that you loved me but where were the clues? 

Anyway...does it really matter now? 

You always said that phrase whenever I suggested changing things, how foolish of me to turn you down when for the first time you put in an effort.

In a few years this all will be forgotten, our love was magical, the kind of love you only could see in the movies but unlike fiction you and I are real, we're full of flaws, ugliness…and just to make it seem worse, we're two men, homosexuals...o f the Oscar Wilde sort.

What I can say thinking about it all is that like every beautiful and pure thing on this planet it was legendary but momentary, meant to end and consume us both.

We couldn't even say goodbye properly which really kills my soul, I'm writing this letter to the unknown, you won't ever read it.

Oh wait, I don't know your address, who will I send it to? 

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you, if I didn't say you still are the reason I wake up hoping you will come back and we'd run away together. But like I said, this isn't a movie, we won't die of old age together on a hill.

I love you, in another life I'll see you again if we were really meant to be.

Please keep living, keep making your music and you will find me and maybe one day you will meet me, I will be boring, most likely bald, 50-something, my face struck by the signs of time passing.

The idiot,

Beverly William Deverly

Notes:

this chapter kinda short but I really wanted to post it because I've been making so much physical media about them and I wrote this letter on a piece of paper all ripped apart. I'll post it on tumbrl soon!!

Chapter 18: Just Like Heaven

Notes:

sorry if I always rush things in my chapters but I want to get to the fun part I'm imagining in my head... I'm so exciteddddd

September 20th - 06.00 am.

The sun was rising, he was sitting on the floor of a luxury hotel in Nashville, smoking with the window open.

He was a fucking rockstar now.

But how could this have happened?

In less than a month his gay songs had become famous and appreciated by the public, he felt satisfied with himself.

After playing a medley of Bowie songs for a record deal and being brutally rejected and losing the original singer Kruz due to personal differences… they finally made their own record.

Ok, it wasn't exactly "a hit" but they managed to get it on the radio, people liked them and they made girls go wild in the streets.

It had all happened so fast that he hadn't even had time to fully get to know his bandmates properly.

Besides fucking Blaire once or twice he hadn’t had any deep conversations other than reading his lyrics written in the middle of the night about his crippling mental health, but now he no longer had those oppressive thoughts of death and if he was lucky enough this could last.

With Sharon on the other hand it was a constant teasing, they teased each other constantly, she reminded him of his sister Nora, he would have been lying if he said he didn’t miss her at all.

He wasn’t sure about anything at the moment, not even what he was or who he liked, he didn’t mind women and enjoyed their beautiful minds and bodies. However he was completely disgusted at the thought of being forced to get married and start a family with them.

"I'm gonna be successful musician soon, rock stars don’t have time to get married or be fathers"

As for men they remained his guilty pleasure, he would look at certain photographs for hours wishing he could be laid down and tied to a bed with some dude he'd then call the love of his life.

Morgan introduced him to special bars for people like them, unfortunately he couldn't satisfy these haunting feelings, he felt ashamed and he didn't speak to anyone. Very Tom Royce of him.

Some sleepless nights he couldn't help but think about a certain curly boy but then maybe maturing is realizing it was Beverly's loss, who gives a fuck about men? Women are hot after all, they can tie you to bed too and look absolutely gorgeous while so, it made him cry every fucking time and he had written so many songs about sex in bizarre metaphors and never heard before ways so it didn't allude sexually even vaguely.

It was all a fake though, his whole new life, all an act, in reality he was not this Crüe Muse whose place he was taking on. But being faking, being an actor and a performer was what made him feel alive and he needed a legal name change, like Freddie Mercury did.

Suddenly he heard someone knocking on the bathroom door.

 “I know you’re in there bean, let me in" Blaire knocked on the door with a tired voice.

“stop calling me bean, I’ll end up putting it in a song”

She walked in without him opening the door, coughing.

“I'm suffocating in here, I don’t understand how you can smoke 3+ packs a day but have a crystal clear singing voice. Give me, I’ll finish this, now get out baby"

But as she approached he grabbed her hips and fell into his arms, he placed his hands on her breasts while still being careful, took one last drag on his cigarette and then abandoned his face in her chest.

“early mornings with you might be my new favorite thing, I'm in desperate need to hear you talk and kiss you all from head to toes"

"well you got to hurry if you want to kiss me all, that's a lot of work baby" she kissed the top of his nose and started tickling him, he immediately squirted away while laughing uncontrollably.

"STOP. STOP. I'M GOING TO PISS MYSELF FUCK YOUUUU. STOP I BEG YOU, PLEASE I WILL BE GOOD." he screamt dramatically at the top of his lungs on the floor like a little kid but she still didn't stop and she was soon laughing too.

But this whole situation obviously couldn't last and they got interrupted by a very stressed and annoyed Sharon.

"We've already talked about this you two are worse than two rabbits. I would like to be able to sleep in peace and use my bathroom without hearing a man moan, that's not a pleasing sight at least for me." then she gazed at them "oh you're just laughing, I'm not religious but Thank God. The last thing I wanted to see this morning was Crüe naked"

"my dear Sharon you're just jealous because I have the best woman on this planet and you just scare the hoes" Crüe, before Sharon could complain again, jumped up and picked Blaire up piggyback style and started running around the hotel room waking everyone up.

He sang Just like Heaven by The Cure, laughing breathlessly.

“How can you be so energetic this morning, you were playing until 3 am on the beach” Blaire wondered as she rested her head on his shoulder.

“Coffee and cigarettes, my only blessing. There is nothing better than looking out the window at the sun rising with a beautiful girl, a guitar, a cigarette and a good coffee”

“I doubt it, I could name at least 10 better things. I have never seen you eat anything serious in the last few months of living together. And above all, since when do you like women? You are the faggiest fag have ever witnessed with my homosexual eyes” Sharon butted in their conversation as usual.

“Ah ha, how funny, can’t you see how I’m cracking up? How could I possibly escape the many earthly beauties that include women”

“They all say that”

Crüe rolled his eyes midly annoyed. “Where’s Morgan anyway? did you eat them?"

“Not yet, but they're making coffee in the kitchen”

“Oh that’s good, my 4th cup this morning, I’m running. Hold tight Blaire” and he ran to the kitchen, sat Blaire on the couch and said good morning to Morgan who sighed used to this whole show every morning.

“Ready for our first interview?” they asked.

 “Oh yeah I can't wait, I'm already thinking about what I can wear, I want them to keep their eyes on me”

“Don't be selfish Bean, we're here too. You can't steal my clothes this time, I need 'em”

“I'm the singer and if it wasn't for me you'd all still be in your basement with that asshole of…wait what was his name again?”

“Kruz, his name is Kruz. He's a good guy, just a little prickly, don't talk shit about him you barely know him”

“Well too bad for him but I don't give a flying fuck to be completely honest” then he drank his coffee in one gulp, laughing to himself “he can screw his 'prickly' nature. I'm going to buy some cigarettes at the store” and got up and headed for the door with his sunglasses on.

While he was walking in the streets alone he was stopped by a small group of girls of about 16 years old. 

“Crüe? Are you Crüe Muse?” one of them asked him.

“Oh yes girls, do you want an autograph dear?” It was the first time he had met fans who recognized him.

“Yes please!!” they handed him some sheets of paper.

“What are your names?”

“I’m Beverly and these are Natalie and Sandy”

He jumped when he heard that name. “B-Beverly? What a beautiful name honey…” he signed their autographs and as he continued walking he thought back to what had just happened, he had almost forgotten how that name was born mainly for girls.

Chapter 19: As High Crocodiles playing Sudokus by the Lakes we will Eat Stereos

Their first interview, they finally arrived in the studio and they would sing a few songs and then talk to the journalists.

“Ladies and gentlemen, here is a new band of very young boys and girls who have been making themselves heard in every popular club these days…The Wilted Roses!”

They heard applause as soon as they got on stage, they played the best as they could and Crüe as usual was exaggerating, singing and even though he had been advised not to, swearing on live TV.

After their sensational performance and a lot of  cheering they sat down in the armchairs, Blaire sat as usual very close to him.

Maybe even a little too close for Sharon, who looked at them impatiently, but it was normal for the two “lovers”, Blaire was incredibly full of adrenaline, playing the drums had this effect on her, and Crüe already suspected what would happen when they returned home. He couldn't wait to be completely honest.

Blaire was wearing a short-sleeved shirt tight on the hips and low-cut on the chest, very short shorts over leopard-print tights, she really couldn't help her love for weird patterned tights.

She was simply perfect in everyone's eyes and Sharon couldn't help but notice it and want to appreciate it but wherever the girl of her dreams was there was always a man next to her ready to say stupid things and be praised a thousand times more than her. 

She could've been a great boyfriend if they gave her the chance, but none of them did and it was frustrating, being a man must bring so much power. If she was a man, she'd be The man.

“It's a pleasure to have you here in the studio with us, how do you feel after your performance? It was fantastic” the interviewer asked with the classic fake smile every journalist had on TV.

“We feel divine, honey you can't even imagine how good it feels to play the drums, it's so fucking freeing, like being home in the summer while only wearing a light nightgown. wait I shouldn't have said that on TV” Blaire laughed and put her hands over her mouth.

“I would still like to point out the lack of femininity and good manners in the women who are part of your musical group” said the annoyed interviewer.

“Oh so our talent is measured in proportion to our being feminine, delicate and cute for the male gaze? No way honey, I don’t sell myself to the public like that. If you wanted to see a porcelain doll you could have easily bought one.” Blaire said annoyed, it got on her nerves when men acted like that.

“The girls are fantastic, I don’t think I’ve ever met many men as good as them at keeping the rhythm. I feel like a street musician compared to them and I won’t accept you or anyone else insulting them” Crüe butted in equally annoyed.

“Commercial break, see you very soon my dear audience!!” the interviewer didn’t want to hear any more “nonsense” and regretted having accepted to do this interview.

 “I’m leaving, I am not spending any more time here with a misogynistic asshole. You can safely shove good manners up your ass. Let’s go Crüe, Morgan, Sharon. We have better things to do, come on, I’ll offer you a beer”

Crue as usual followed her like an obedient puppy and huffing Sharon and Morgan followed close behind.

When they arrived at the bar of their hotel Crüe went to the bathroom and in the meantime Sharon took the opportunity to talk about it with Blaire.

“What a drag B, I can’t stand your idiot boyfriend anymore. Please remind me why we let him join the band”

“I don’t entirely agree with you Sharon, he has a nice voice and is funny when he wants to.” Morgan retorted, they didn’t mind the boy’s passive aggressive humor and when he made an effort he was enjoyable to be around.

“Sharon you’ve only been able to complain lately, what happened to you? Are you afraid he’ll take your place and play guitar better than you? Or maybe you’re just jealous that there’s someone I’m more fond of?”

 “No, he just gets on my nerves. Night and day always around, oh and he always makes a mess in every room he goes in. He wouldn't clean even if tortured, his brain is stuck at 5 years of age. I want to throw up every time I'm in his presence and he writes shitty songs… What the fuck was that one he made us listen to on Saturday night called “As High Crocodiles playing Sudokus by the Lakes we will Eat Stereos” I don't get it, what he sings makes no sense, I feel sorry for him”

“Maybe your mind is too small to understand his poetry, expand your limits. He's fantastic in every angle and peculiarity, he's much more than someone who wants to imitate Bowie and I love him”

“You love him? please don't make me laugh, you've known him for less than a year, he's an idiot who just wants to take advantage of you.”

 “Since when you give a fuck about my relationships? I’ve been with dozens of shitty men and you never complained”

“It was different with them and you never managed to keep them more than a week, I have to put up with this guy every hour and minute of the day”

“You know what Sharon? No one is forcing you to stay in this band, with Crüe or with me, you’ve always been free to make your own choices. It’s just that you’re my best friend, I’ve known you all my life and I don’t want to lose you because of a man.”

Crüe came back laughing with another boy with silky hair and a perfect face, they held each other tightly and joked as if they’d known each other all their lives, like two childhood friends.

“Girls!! My loves… shit, you have to meet my new friend… wait what’s your name again? French, very sexy. Come on mon amour speak, move that pretty mouth you have and make the girls hear that accent of yours.” From his voice he seemed a little tipsy and he was definitely too close to that seemingly random guy he found in the bathroom. Luckily for him, Blaire wasn't a jealous person and was ready to open their relationship but she didn't expect all that closeness with someone he met at the last minute.

“Je m'appelle Antoine”after he said those words Crue burst into a loud laugh passing the cigarette he was smoking to Antoine's mouth.

“please say it again! Blaire have you seen him? He has the face of a European, he's sexy, terribly attractive. How, how are some people like this?Tell me your secrets"

Blaire decides to play along and laughed too

“he's not bad, how did you meet him? does he play an instrument? is he an artist? You're right, he's very handsome now that I think about it. Nice hair looks soft.”

“Merci madame”

“Oh oh! he even says Merci! You make me feel like a stupid immigrant who doesn't know a word in her native language. Which is true, I can barely speak Japanese, most of the words I know are swear words”

“Antoine, dear, I'll see you around right? it was beautiful in the bathroom, this is my card, it's my name and my num-” but just as he was about to continue his sentence he was interrupted by Sharon.

 “Crüe stop flirting for today and write some decent songs, it would be greatly appreciated by all of us”

“Sharon dear, I write songs every time I speak and I think about them every waking moment of the day”

“I don’t believe it. I was sure you only thought about your ass hole 97% of the day. Congratulations, happy 7th birthday!!”

“I’m pretty knowledgeable and educated self-taught, I read a lot just so you know.”

“Shampoo labels don’t count as great reading”

“I read a book just yesterday” he turned to Blaire. “What was it called love? The book we read yesterday”

“What book?” Blaire replied nonchalantly.

“I knew it! you made that up didn’t you? You're so pathetic” she rolled her eyes and took a sip of her drink.

“Oh look a piano!” Crüe said after completely forgetting about the conversation they were having less than 5 seconds ago. He sat at the piano, excited. “WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SONG?? I WILL PLAY ANYTHING YOU SAY” and he started to play a random melody. “c'mon people, I don't want to end up playing Chopin, I've never had proper piano lessons, I learned by myself” he said to the people around them, showing off his skills.

 “Dude play piano man!!” someone said

 “No play Asleep by the Smiths!” a woman said

 “The Smiths? Oh well… It'll…pass…How about Bowie? Aladdin Sane? It has a great piano solo. Or maybe, I could play you one of my songs, it's new, it still isn't out”

 "Asleep! Play Asleep!!" more people kept saying

 “That's the saddest shit you could ever think, I hate The Smiths, they suck and Morrissey is a motherfucking cunt.” he started playing the intro of the song. “The Smiths fans are even worse, I've met a few and they've all been the most pretentious people I've ever managed to have a conversation with. But here it is, enjoy your depressive songs”

And he started singing and it was full of emotions, simply perfect and he captured in the best way he could the lullaby like melody. 

 The more he was Crüe Muse the more he forgot how lonely it felt to be Tom Royce, how lonely his childhood was and all the responsibilities he used to have on himself that he carried like a burden.

 Now he didn't have to worry about his family anymore, in their eyes he just wishes he's dead. 

 And as he sang the last line he took a deep breath and left it all behind, without the guilt haunting him, finally free.

Chapter 20: A Stranger I Once Knew

Notes:

not satisfied with how this chapter came out actually, I wanted to give you guys some Beverly content but my head can only think about The Wilted Roses, especially Blaire ☹️
Next chapter's gonna be better I promisee

First days of college, a new beginning for him too, although different from Crüe's miles away, they didn't know yet.

His first ever day on campus felt like being a new and weird kid in a class of people who had known each other for ages. 

His dorm wasn't bad at all, he didn't even have a roommate which meant only one thing: he could continue his "old person" habits in peace without some boring twenty-something-years-old asking him why he went to sleep at 10 pm. 

He wasn't sure how his night would go, but right now he was in front of the bathroom mirror looking at his reflection. 

Long curly hair, dark green eyes, prominent nose. 

What a drag. For the first time being alone seemed like the most complex and boring thing in the world and, maybe he could dress up, meet some freshmen like him and make friends. 

 So he started unpacking his boxes and suitcases looking for something remotely suitable for the situation he had to face, he went for a classic, simple shirt and jeans. In case he got bored he put some books and his Walkman in the bag.

As he was leaving he saw a group of boys who, way easily than him, were able to interact and make friends.

They all looked a bit alike, one a copy of the other, they were talking about tennis or golf or football, he wasn't sure.

He wasn't an expert in sports, his parents had tried so many times to get him passionate but they hadn't succeeded, everytime he tried to play kids made fun of him.

So, as that little awkward kid He decided to take a deep breath and join the conversation, he hoped he wouldn't say something idiotic and strange like he usually did.

"Hi, my name is Beverly" he held out his hand to shake and everyone looked at him a little skeptical, as if he had shouted out that he was homosexual.

Some returned the greeting by shaking hands in embarrassment.

"Beverly? Isn't that a female's name?" asked one of the many with the face that deserves a slap.

“Oh, yes. My parents thought it was good for boys too” he replied explaining his unusual name as usual.

“Oh I know who you are! Deverly, your brother is really nice! I know him very well, but I would never have said that you are related, you don’t look alike at all” said another of them.

“Yeah, a lot of people tell us that. I didn’t think you knew him.”

“Your brother is the coolest. He's in his senior year right? My name is George by the way”

“Yes, he will graduate at the end of this year. Nice to meet you George.”

“The freshmen are meeting in room 107, are you coming with us? It will be fun, it’s a chance to make friends.” smiling, he had a nice smile, straight and shiny white teeth already seen over and over again.

That smile gave Beverly hope that maybe this university wasn’t so bad and maybe, economics wasn’t as boring as he thought.

 “Great idea, I'm in”

They got to this room full of people, talking in the living room, having a drink or smoking cigarettes. 

He sat with them and as they had the classic “getting to know each other” talk he completely zoned out looking at the TV, for no reason. 

A music channel was on and a song he had never heard before was playing. The melody energetic yet soothing, the voice sounded really familiar.

“Whose song is this?” he asked George, curious and intrigued to find new music.

“You don't know them? seriously? It's The Wilted Roses, a new band from the Midwest, I see them everywhere on tv. They all have the sickest hair, all dyed. The lead singer is called Crüe Muse, the one with blue hair, see?” George pointed to the man in the music video with these “sick” blue hair.

“Crüe Muse you say?” Beverly was 100% sure he had seen that face before but…where?

“Yeah, Crüe Muse. His blue eyes scare me to be honest, they just stare into your soul. Look at this shot, it's just his eyes for 1 minute straight. This song is called Turn on the Green in my melancholic soul. I've bought their first cd, this isn't the best song but it's the most famous one”

Beverly nodded and listened carefully. He really really wanted to see this Crüe dude closely. 

As he looked at the shot George was talking about earlier, something clicked and he stared in disbelief at the screen.

Crüe Muse? That's what he calls himself now? 

He thought to himself, weeks ago he would've felt happy about Tom being a rockstar and finally fulfilling his dream, but now? Nothing, he didn't know him anymore and he couldn't care less about his stupid band.

“Do you have a favorite band Bev? Do you mind if I call you Bev?” one of George’s mates asked.

“I like The Smiths, The Doors..Beatles...can't choose a favorite one, I like too many”

“That's cool man. You know I like good old Rolling Stones more. They're much better, I'm their n1 fan.”

“They're good too, do you have a favorite song of theirs?”

“I love Paint It Black! that's my favorite one”

Paint It Black? Seriously? The most famous song of theirs? And he calls himself the n1 fan? 

And just as he was about to say something, someone handed him a cigarette, he had to admit he hated how it felt in his lungs and couldn't understand how that many people enjoyed it so much to let it ruin their whole life.

Tom unfortunately made him think it was hot to share a fag the first few months they dated, but was it true? 

Probably not, but he took the cigarette anyway.

Once again he tried with all himself to make these university years bearable.

Chapter 21: You're just a boy you are no man and nobody you know will understand

Summary:

Crüe having a depressive episode and getting a bit overstimulated I guess we could say??

The bad days, the horrors of his mind used to be more frequent and worse, with massive headaches and the inability to move a finger out of his bed.

He had been having these days since his 13th birthday, he was pretty sure that was the earliest he could remember.

No one remembered his birthday and even though he had invited two of his friends over to hang out, they didn't show up and his mother ended up ruining everything with her distinctly unbearable personality.

At least this time he wasn't full of hormones crying in an uncomfortable bed, but he had grown up in his own way and was on a very soft double bed in his hotel room, which helped the headaches and backpains a lot.

These days also included total exclusion from social interactions of any kind, but you couldn't completely isolate yourself from the world and people like Sharon would often come at your door.

“Hey man- still in bed? seriously? rise and shine, it's 11pm! Gotta go to the studio today” 

He looked at her with pleading eyes, trying to tell her two things:

1. don't make me go
2. I'm gonna blow my brain out.

“What’s up? you don't wanna go? don't look at me like that, we will make music. You love making music, I won't make fun of your so-called poetry” her tone softened slightly looking at his worn out face. “But let me tell you something. You smell”

“Mean” he mumbled, trying to move but he felt trapped. 

Sharon came closer and took his arms, and started to get him out. His eyes wide shut, his heart was pounding out of his chest, being touched right now was the last thing he ever wanted.

She made him sat up on the bed and get up on his feet, still wearing last night's clothes. He didn't even bother enough to get changed.

“Could you just not-? Where's Blaire and Morgan?”

“they're already in the studio, would one of them help you with your whims?”

He pushed her away. “Fuck you, I told you to leave me alone, I will not record or play anything today and I will most certainly not let you drag me into the studio.”

“Why? you sing all night long, we always listen to you singing and playing. What's your goddamn problem? right when we want to do something you're completely uninterested and unbothered. We need a new record”

“We already have a record, a single and one music video. You can't force my art, I'm a human being not a machine”

“Well we need money if you still want to make your precious art”

He stayed silent, if he had to be honest they weren't the richest right now and only had one popular song, they needed more. He also needed a new guitar, this one was falling apart since he's had it for years.

“Go get dressed, I will wait for you out of the bathroom”

He started walking to the bathroom in search of clean clothes and his prozac. 

In a few minutes he was ready, not sure about how he's going to bear this horrendous day up doing things.

Along with Sharon they walked to the nearby studio where all the others were already jamming, Sharon decided to engage in a small talk with the non verbal freak her best friend liked and dated.

“The stones or the Beatles?” she asked.

“Beatles” he casually said as if he's already answered that exact question a shit ton of times, which was true and laughed it off casually. “God, someone hasn't asked me to pick since middle school”

“In my school not a lot of kids listened to music actually. I didn't either”

“Really? I was raised by music, my mother was a die hard Beatles fan. The first cassette I bought with my own money was The Clash’s debut album in 1979. I was about 9 years old”

“I met Blaire in 1979”

“Did you already play guitar?”

“No, not yet. She didn't play the drums either, we started in 1982. But I may be wrong. I'm guessing you've practically been born with a guitar in your hands uh? With a name like yours your future was already written in the stars”

He stayed silent for a moment demanding if he should be honest or invent some story, he definitely didn't want to share too much about himself or his childhood.

“Yeah. My father was a musician famous in our town.”

“Your father was a musician?? No shit! You must be kidding. What's his name? maybe I heard some of his songs, does he have albums out? I often buy unknown musician’s albums”

“Uhh no I don't think you know him, he only did small gigs. Right when he was about to release his first album he died in a car crash with my mother”

Sharon was speechless by how carelessly he talked about such an usually touchy subject. 

“Oh dude I'm sorry for you, that's… so awful. Do you have siblings?”

“No, I'm an only child. It's no big deal, I wouldn't have liked to have some, I prefer staying alone, unbothered, especially when I have off days like this morning. They're normal for me, it happens every once in a while.”

“Off days? What are you talking about? Is it a day when you cannot physically get out of bed or do anything at all?”

He nodded as a yes. 

“You know some experts call these depressive episodes right? do you acknowledge it…right?”

He laughed out loud.

“Hey I'm not some depressed weirdo. I'm not mentally ill, my head is perfectly working in its own mysterious ways. What next? Are you gonna say I'm autistic too?” kind of offended by her assumptions.

“C’mon! don't get so pressed, I was just saying”

“Well, stop saying these things. Let's talk about something else.”

“Like what?”

“Ehh…I don't know. Let's keep talking about music”

“Why don't we keep talking about music?”

“I know what to call our next album”

“Really? Didn't you say you didn't have any thoughts?”

“Memories of a misunderstood slut in disguise. That's the name”

“How- how did you come up with…that?”

“Oh you know, it's easy. I don't want to make too many spoilers and I'd rather not explain my art to people, especially my bandmates. Deep down everyone is a slut if life fucks us all, society raises us with the constant fear of judgment and guilt for pleasure. By embracing the slut side one can become their true self, otherwise, they will stay in disguise, doing anything to be like everyone else but you will always be misunderstood. So why not have fun?”

“You know…for the first time you said something that makes sense. But I can't help but wonder how you come up with these titles”

Crüe shrugged and kept walking into the studio, he didn't know either actually, so they entered the recording studio in silence.

“You're finally here!!” Blaire said getting up from her spot to hug him and kissed his cheek. “My favorite guitarists. I love you both.”

He put his hands on her waist “Yeah yeah, let's get this song done first. Have you and Morgan played anything yet?”

“Actually, we were waiting for you”

“Amazing,” he said with a sarcastic and distressed tone as he searched in his pockets for something.“I got an idea for the next single, I've written some down on a napkin…”

“I wanna smash this pretty drum right here so pretty please give me a good part”

“Here it is! I'm not sure about the title but it kinda goes like…” he started playing some guitar while humming words and small phrases. “Oh fuck. no! It's not supposed to go this way!” he ripped the napkin apart.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you! It was good, I think the bass would be better. But you’re the author” Morgan said, already trying to play what he heard.

But it was different, Crüe could feel it and it got on his nerves. It was absolutely not how he imagined it, it sounded even worse on the bass even if Morgan’s ideas were usually brilliant and underrated.

But he decided to try one more time, without anything written down and it was even worse, his guitar skills were simply average and his lyricism boring and emotionless.

“Morg say an animal”

“uhh…” they were a bit confused by this sudden question and answered “...Deer?”

“No! Fuck no! Because nobody understands and nobody does what I want at the right time!! No, shut up, don’t say a single word and don’t move from your spot!” he shouted at Morgan like a maniac, sure they had heard him shout before but they were never shouts like this.

 The others were silent at first and Blaire dared to look for a cigarette from his pockets and then hand it to him.  

 "What did I just say? Don't move!! Goddamn. Why does everyone think I constantly need a cigarette??"

 Sharon boldly got up ignoring what he said and grabbed him by the shoulders.

 “Now, you're going to take a deep breath with me, get it?”

 "NO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR DEEP BREATHS." he sat on the ground, with his guitar, trying to figure how to play a good riff. 

 This so-called harmony he had created in his own place got interrupted by Blaire coming closer and sitting down in front of him, not too close, but enough to make their knees touch.

 “Hey” she whispered as he stayed silent looking up at her. “You love music don't you?” she spoke as she would speak to a little kid on the first day of preschool.

 “Why are you babying him? that's a grown ass man B. Leave him alone if he wants to” Sharon said back to her usual tone.

 Crüe got up, moved to the piano and like he did the night before, he started playing his new songs. The others noticed what he was doing and without complaining they all played peacefully, without saying a single word. 

 Once every few seconds they heard Crüe humming and writing down something with his horrendous calligraphy. 

 “B. cigarette” he said, still playing.

Blaire got up with her pack and lighter to give it to him. “Here, but then don't complain about people thinking you can't think without something in your mouth”

 “Thanks dear” he lit it up on one hand and gave her a quick kiss.

Notes:

Crüe is just like me on my period btw

Chapter 22: You have the eyes of someone I have seen

Notes:

I will be updating more often now that I finished school!! yayyy

Everything stayed the same in a small town in the Midwest, it's not like anyone would miss “that failure of Marie’s son”. In fact, him going missing went pretty unnoticed by everyone, it happened every once in a while.

Nora was the only one suspicious, Tom hadn't called in weeks, she hadn't spoken to him since their argument. She tried to give him his space obviously, but that was the lamest thing. 

They moved away from their childhood home just to live in a ugly house with her mother's boyfriend, many of Tom's things were thrown away and others she managed to keep for herself.

She was afraid that something bad had happened or that he had done something stupid as usual. 

He wasn't dead, obviously. 

Sure, Tom often did things impulsively, without thinking, but she was sure that he wouldn't abandon her without saying anything. 

After all, they were still siblings.

“Noraa you know you can tell me anything! Do you have a boyfriend? a crush? pretty pleaseee I wanna know” Victoria asked her, one evening while they were having their usual bedtime chats.

“No Vic, for the last time: I. don't. have. a. boyfriend! I don't like anyone at school. Don't trust anyone, remember that before you fall in love with some boy”

“That’s not true, people aren’t that bad. You're so cynical and boring now! I like boys a lot, especially the football team lead: Jackson. He's cute, clever and funny.”

“Well Victoria, in your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team”

“He said he's gonna marry me sooner or later. I love him a lot”

“You're fifteen. How can you already choose who you're going to get married with? It's all bullshit, that dude has probably said it to every girl in your grade”

“When I turn eighteen I'm gonna get married and run away from this house. I can't wait, it will be so fun”

Nora stared at her and smiled slightly when she mentioned running away, everyone who entered in that family wanted to escape as soon as they could. You couldn't blame them, really.

“At least one of us made it out. Do you ever think about him, Nora?” Victoria asked, full of hope for the future waiting upon her.

She hesitated to answer, she thought about it often but she hated to admit it, they hadn't talked about Tom for months, everything continued to flow normally after his 'disappearance’

“Sometimes”

“I think about it often too, I hope he found a girlfriend and soon we'll meet her”

Nora shivered and laughed at the thought of Tom in a romantic relationship with a girl. “I don’t think it’s going to be like that, but it’s a nice thought. I hope he’s okay, too.”

She held the younger one close, both of their minds still filled with thoughts of their own future and the future of their family.

---

The next morning, their mother woke everyone in the house with an exclamation of disbelief.

“It cannot be! Michael! Wake the girls up, tell them to wear clean bras and their best clothes! I don't want them to look homeless. I'm going to call Marcus and then that number on the news!! That's my baby on tv! I recognize my baby when I see him!” she said in a hurry to her boyfriend, Michael, as she ran to the phone while still glazing at the tv.

A talk show was on, with a blue haired man smoking a cigarette sitting comfortably in his armchair. He seemed so comfortable, talking to the host, leaving out a small laugh at times.

Nora heard the loud noises in the house, she had a really light sleep like most people of the Royce family. They got it from their mom.

She looked around confused, the usual screams she heard weren't this joyous and excited.

“What's going on?” she asked Michael, who was going to each of the girl's rooms.

“You don't know?? Look at that dude on the tv. Do you recognize him? Your mother says it's her son, he's famous now!! She's calling that number on the tv to tell them he's not called ‘Crüe Muse’.” 

Nora looked at him like he said he came from Mars. “You mean…she found Tom…? That freak on TV is Tom? Tom Royce? My brother? Born on 16th April 1970? Is this some big joke I'm not part of? How's that the same dude I played tag with when we were kids?” 

“Your mother says it's him, she started crying when she heard his voice. I've never seen him, but I trust her. She's the only one who should be able to recognize her child right? Even when her child is famous and rich like Tom”

Of fucking course. 

Of course her mother only ever cared about fame and money, old habits don't die easily.

“Oh Marcus, you couldn't believe it. Turn on the tv, there's your son on there! what-? what do you mean ‘what son’ our beautiful baby boy, he's uhh…23 years old!! You remember now? Tom! He was named after your father. We haven't seen him in so long haven't we?” Marie talked on the phone with Marcus like she's never done before, they always exchanged small talks and pretended nothing bad ever happened between the two of them.

“Mom-” Nora tried to correct her about Tom's age, he wasn't 23! But she wasn't even surprised about her mother getting her own son’s birth date wrong.

“Shut up you brat! Let me talk to the tv people!” she dialed another number and as soon as they answered she started talking. “Hello, my name is Marie Baschet. Actually, it was Marie Royce when I was married. I've just watched the interview with this Crüe Muse...That's not his name. His name is Tom Royce. Oh- Why and how would I know? I'm his mother, that's why! I haven't heard from him in a while, he's famous uh? Blue hair? Weird choice. At least he shaves. Would it be possible for me to talk to him?” 

The person on the other side was unsettled by the quick talk the woman had. 

“Ma’am, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't fully believe in what you're saying. Mr Muse gets calls from his fans all the time. They would say anything just to hear him talk or see him, even say they're biologically related to him. However, Mr Muse has always been open about meeting and talking to his fans. He's still in his dressing room and I could try to ask his manager if he could give you some of his time.”

Crüe was already getting ready to go to Antoine's flat and grab a drink, after a long day of using his social energies. He grabbed his bag and looked for the notebook he stole from a shop. Stealing it was completely unnecessary, he was rich and famous now. 

Anyway, he still struggled to interact with the cashier, search in his pockets for his wallet or give them money. Small actions that felt tiring and repetitive. 

Suddenly, one of the members of the staff knocked at his dressing room. “Mr Muse?”

Crüe sighed. “Come in”

A young lady opened the door and came in. “There's someone on the phone, a woman who would like to talk to you. She says she's your mother, but I'm pretty sure that's just some crazy fan” 

The rocker started laughing out of control. “My mother is dead, that's simply hilarious. Why would anyone pretend to be one of my parents to get some attention? People nowadays are so stupid, it's almost sad. C’mon. Lead me to my mommy”

They walked through the hallways silently and then they passed Crüe the phone.

“Hello darling, I'm sorry if I made you wait. You said you're my mother? Woah, how could you not let me know sooner? What's your name?” His tone, still amused by this situation, was casual and relaxed.

“Tom! Oh my goodness! Tommy!” As he heard these words from the other side of the phone he freezed but tried to play it casual. “I haven't heard your voice in months. How are you? Are you well fed? I want to ask you so many questions. I've heard you're famous uh? Loads of money, girls, songs…When were you thinking of telling and sharing with your beloved family?”

He could recognize that voice from miles away, how did she find him? And why was she so caring all of sudden? She's always hated what he did or said and was ready to find a critique or a flaw.

“My mother's dead, I don't have parents anymore” he decided to keep being in-character for now.

“What are you talking about honey? I'm right here, I'm very alive and well. There's your sisters who also want to see you again and give you the biggest hug. Your father will come along too! Where are you right now? LA? New York? Just tell me and we'll be there as soon as possible!! we'll take the fastest plane and show everyone who you really are, my baby boy! Your name Tom is beautiful, why would you change it? It has different meanings, like innocence, naivety, simplicity…”

The often tough and emotionless star he was now felt his eyes get wet, his brain didn't believe a single word of what she was saying, but in his heart he wanted to see and talk to his mom like he only ever did before his sisters were born. 

The staff members were still in the room, confused, looking at him. 

At least the tears weren't coming out yet, that would be awkward.

“Tom? are you there?” she asked after minutes of silence.

“The Tom you're talking about isn't here. He hasn't been for quite a while. It's too late.” he hung up the phone, after the least expected call of the last few months. “Never ever talk about this with anyone else, got it?” Crüe stated, staying still in his place, speechless.

“Is there anything we can do for you Mr Muse? You look upset.” the staff asked, worried about his reaction.

“If that number calls again, do not answer.”

They nodded and he went back to his dressing room.

“Well…” the person in charge of Crüe’s public relationships spoke up once he was gone. “If he had this kind of reaction that means it could actually be one of his parents…that would make a huge news”

“I don't know…we should follow his wills”

“Just think about the amount of money they would give us if that's really his mother”

The other one still seemed unsure but in the end they agreed and called again, without Crüe knowing.

Marie was the happiest in the world, she couldn't believe they actually called her back and gave her a chance, it didn't happen often and after years and years of absolutely nothing noteworthy, she could make money and reach fame with the things her and her family could do better than anything: lie.

Before they could even notice Marcus got to their house, all the girls were dressed neatly and someone to interview them would be coming in a few hours, to check and confirm their genetic bond and then in the following days leave for Los Angeles for interviews and finally meet Tom’s new persona.

“Haven't seen ya in a while” Marcus attempted to make small talk with Nora.

“Mh.” this all felt dystopian and fake, but if they were really right about Tom then she wouldn't mind interaction with her so-called father.

“I haven't seen your brother in a while either. I offered him a job a few months ago, I really wanted to fix our relationship.”

Marcus offered Tom a job? When? Why didn't she know? But she wasn't even surprised that Tom was hiding things from her after the recent events.

“Y’know better than me how boys are not how they were at my time, they won't accept their old man's advice and offers. Your brother never did and look at how he turned out. Don't tell your mother, but he looks like a freak, like a goddamn woman.” he started laughing and then coughing as he said the last part and put his arm around Nora’s shoulders.

She tried to escape from his touch, he smelled incredibly bad.

“What? Trying to get away from your father? Not this easy little lady” he hugged her even tighter. “What disgust me is how you look like your mother” he whispered in her ear, his breath smelling like alcohol. “Everyone in this family has the same manic attitudes as her, from tics to insomnia…I don't know which of you is worse. Probably your brother, I've never understood how that brain of his worked.”

“Maybe because you never even tried to understand” she couldn't stay silent anymore as he heard the worst Royce talking shit about them.

“I have tried Naomi! He's stuck in his shell, he won't talk under torture. I'm surprised they didn't lock him in some madhouse”

“That's not my name”

“What?”

“My name’s Nora”

“Oh”

Chapter 23

Notes:

I know, I said I was going to publish chapters more often because I don't have school.
But I'm working on some really interesting stuff I can't wait to show you!!

BREAKING NEWS

True parents of the emerging rockstar

 “Crüe Muse” from “The Wilted Roses” 

Who is Tom Royce? Find out with us!

Shock for every fan of The Wilted Roses, the most influential glam-rock band of this year. The lead singer and guitarist Crüe Muse, known for being open about his relationships in live television and with fans, has never actually been this honest as he seemed to be. 

He has been hiding from the press his true identity: Tom Royce from a big family of a mother, father and 5 sisters! 

The singer previously has always made clear his lack of parents or siblings, claiming himself as an only child. We're here in the studios with Marie and Marcus Royce, the real parents of a legend.

---

Said the man on the tv and every newspaper, Crüe was already up in Antoine’s apartment, in between his sheets. The tv wasn't on yet, so he couldn't see the mess he got himself in accidentally.

"Would you rather have a thousand tiny bees up your ass or a huge one?” Crüe asked, while he was turning the pages of a magazine without even really reading it.

“Both would be equally bad in my opinion” the Frenchman said as he sat next to Crüe. “But If I had to choose, I'd pick the huge one.”

“Yeah…I would do too, at least it stings you once and then dies” the blue haired one grabbed his hip and pulled Antoine above, who started immediately kissing him with passion.

“Didn't you have a girl?” Antoine managed to say between kisses.

“You mean Blaire? Don't get me wrong, I like her, she's great, the band is amazing, I've never seen someone play the drums like her but…our relationship is open, I do what I like and she does too.”

And they kept kissing like nothing happened, ignoring that conversation and passing to the main reason Crüe was hanging out with Antoine and his friends: kissing gorgeous men.

The more they kissed, the more Antoine got closer and closer, touching everywhere he could, sliding his hands up and down through his chest and then legs, pressing his lips for hot minutes on the other man’s upper thigh, who let out small moans and grabbed Antoine's head, touching the texture of his silky hair.

Right when this moment couldn't get any better the phone started ringing.

“Excusez-moi” as the french walked to the phone and picked it up with grace. “It's for you Mon-Amour!”

“Who's that? Please, don't tell me it's my manager. I'm not coming if it's that hellspawn.” Crüe was still in the same position as before, in bed, still flushed.

“It’s your girlfri-” 

“Tell her I'm sleeping” he said as he turned to the other side of the bed.

“Désolé Blaire, Crüe is sleeping”

The blue haired mess sighed and got up from his spot, with no clothes on in sight, he took the phone from Antoine's hands.

“Mr Muse here my lady, up on my feet, neat and dressed properly for the day.”

He heard a small chuckle from Blaire and she started talking. “I hate how you're funny in the worst ever situations. There's people on the television acting like your parents. Didn't you say you were an orphan? Also, why are you with that french we met last week? I thought it was a one time only thing.”

“For the love of god, I've been up for less than 5 minutes. 1. It's probably someone who's trying to get my attention. 2. You got a problem with me hanging out with a dude?”

“I don't care who you're sleeping with, just turn on the tv man”

Crüe groaned out of boredom and signaled Antoine to turn it on.

---

“Marie and Marcus, you've been hidden for so long from the media by your own son. We all have so many questions for you. But before asking you the burning question, first, we would like to know some background of your lives.” the interviewer asked, genuinely excited and interested in this situation.

Tom’s parents were both wearing their best clothes, Marie was smiling and ready to start telling people useless things.

“Hello, my name is Marie Baschet and this is my ex husband Marcus Royce. I was born and raised in France, but I met Marcus on vacation and had Tom not so long after. We gave him everything a little kid could ever ask for.” she explained, with the biggest smile of excitement on her face, on the other side, Marcus was just sitting on the chair and zoning out, she nudged him to make him talk. “Y-yeah. Tom was a cute kid” unsure of what to say, he went for the safest answer. “I'm a mechanic”

“Oh well, that's interesting. Has Cr- I mean Tom…always had his gift for music?”

Marie shook her head, amused by such a silly statement in her view, but Marcus answered, remembering one of the only good memories he has with his unknown son. 

“I taught him how to play, I took him to church and showed off his skills. He was good.” 

“That's wholesome! As I'm guessing, you've never known anything about his drastic change?”

“No, he has never told us anything. That boy just ran away.” the mother said, fixing her dress.

---

“I'm suing these fuckers.” The rockstar picked up a random outfit, put on his coat and walked out of the flat, only to be attacked by dozens and dozens of fans and journalists.

They shouted his name and countless questions, as he tried to get his way out and smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves.

“Crüe Crüe!! What are you going to say about this? Give us a picture, look this way!” one of them shouted, pointing the camera right into his face.

“I'm not answering any of your questions. Get out of my way.” With frustration, he pushed everyone away with annoyance and aggression, some stayed silent for a second and in the mass of people one screamt one word: “Liar!” 

Crüe turned around to see who that was, ready to punch their stupid face, just to see a frowning teen with dark short hair dressed in a ridiculously big jeans jacket, with his same eyes. Many people joined her voice, calling him a dirty stupid liar.

The girl tried to make her way closer to the rocker, but the journalists were way too many and too angry. 

He knew who she was, his gaze softened, but still he tried to get away with it and go talk with his manager about this mess of a situation, he ran hoping no one would follow. 

Only she ran after, and at a moment he stopped and opened his arms for her.

“You've grown so much taller, stop it”

“And you turn even more stupid everytime I see you. I have so many questions! Jesus, your hair!! They're the coolest!! You made it. You have a band and you're famous now!” She kept hugging him tighter and tighter trying to ignore the big elephant in the room. 

“I know! they're the coolest, you would love my bandmates, they're the best people in the world. A huge pain in the ass, but still…” he looked at her clothes. “You're wearing my old greasy shit once again?”

“Yeah...your clothes are the best. Mom tried to convince me to wear a dress but your clothes are way better" she made a small swirl to show off.

“About mom…What's exactly going on? I thought I'd be dead by now for you all” 

“Oh some kind of mother instinct was reborn in herself, she cried and cried, called Marcus…if she sees you in person she will start crying even more and hugging you and never letting you go.” she gave him a pat on the back “Good luck with that.”

They started walking toward Crüe’s manager's office, catching up about what happened in the past months, he put an arm around his sister's shoulders.

Everyone at the office was freaking out, bombarded with calls from fans and trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

“Where is Sebastian?” Crüe said, he had never been more relaxed and happy with his little sister. 

Sebastian, his manager, was in fact talking with the two menaces to society: Marie and Marcus Royce.

Just as Nora said, when Marie saw her favorite lost son, she ran like a little girl kissed his cheek multiple times and hugged him like nothing ever happened between them.

He didn't return the hug immediately, he wasn't sure if he should keep playing his role or just break down in his mother's arms.

“I thought I'd never see you ever again, I can't live without my baby” she stroked his back in a soothing way, he couldn't resist, she knew the way to his heart.

Nora coughed loudly to get everyone's attention, in that moment he pulled away from the hug, they all had so many questions, except Marcus who standed in the background staring at who he once called ‘the most useless fag piece of shit’ and beat up often when drunk.

When their eyes intertwined it was like both of them were connected, no thoughts.

Chapter 24: The Perfect American Family

Notes:

I have a TikTok account where I sometimes post abt my ocs trying to make them famous
@rocknroll_crue

Not a single thought in the heads of two strangely related men, very similar yet equally different: same physical features and unfortunately also the same damn temperament.

“Let’s get things straight.” Said Sebastian. “You are his mother, father and his 5 sisters.”

“Exactly, my beautiful beautiful beautiful boy here decided to lie to us, we've always been so supportive.” Marie stroked and kissed her boy’s cheek. “Tommy…you can't even look me in the eyes…”

He was staring with rage in his father's eyes, if he could, he would kill him with his bare hands, a deep tension was in the air, nobody found the right ways to express their repressed emotions. 

To break this silence Johanne, with still her childlike wonder, spoke. “I love your hair, blue is my favorite color as well”

Out of them all, she was the one he saw more as his daughter, since he had to raise her since the very early moments of her life, hearing those words made him smile faintly.

“Really? I'm glad you like them” he kneeled down to eye-to-eye level. “You can touch them if you'd like”

“Mr Muse, I know you're busy having a conversation with your family but there's something like a thousand calls from journals and talk shows, which would like to interview you. We need to organize your schedule, you and your band may have to go on tour sooner to make people forget somehow about this event-” one secretary said, but as she was speaking Sebastian came up with an amazing idea. 

“No, The Wilted Roses won't go on tour sooner. This situation could turn you and your band into the biggest topic of conversation in the United States’s pop culture. Say yes to all interviews, album signing, photoshoots, meet and greets."

“But-”

“No buts Mr.Muse. This is the best opportunity that could've ever happened to you”

The rockstar sighed and sat on the floor, afraid that he won't even have time to go to his own, expensive, personal heaven (Antoine's flat.) that often because of some sickass fan.

“Tom, how about we go to dinner like the lovely family that we are? You could get us to your favorite restaurant, we'll have fun” 

“No, not yet. Maybe later in the day mom, I have to talk with my band about this and there's so many things we have to fix before acting like The Perfect American Family, which we've never been whatsoever.” Turning to Marcus “I'm sure you do have a pack of cigs. I can't find mine man” unconsciously, he made the huge mistake of referring to his father like someone he's just met at a club.

But his father didn't seem so bothered, he just searched for a pack and lighter and handed it to the boy, without asking any further question.

“I don't usually smoke this cheap ass brand” he thought, but he didn't say anything either, not to bother the other dude.

He looked at his wristwatch and said 

"Dinner time” 

How predictable he could be for people who've been knowing him for a long time, there were never enough explanations and whenever something passed through his mind, he did it.

Marie clapped cheerily. “Yes! I can't wait to meet all your friends, mon chou” she grabbed his arm and walked by his side.

“Sebastian, call us a limo and book a table for eleven at the fanciest restaurant you can find”

“Mr Muse, for the last time…I'm not your secretary. But I'll do it anyway.”

---

The situation at the restaurant was pretty dense too, Marcus stared at his son's bandmates like he was forced to eat with a bunch of beasts.

“So this is your dad who died in a car crash and played guitar in all the best bars of your small ass town?” Sharon pointed out to Crüe, now that she knew all the bullshit he made up, she regretted feeling empathy for him in the past. 

“I suggest you don't try to start an argument with my father. He's got them all: racism, anger issues, misogyny…and more” he whispered in her ear.

“Tom, it's not polite to whisper with other people around” his mother scolded him, like she would treat a ten years old version of the singer.

It was irritating having his family and bandmates all in the same room about to have dinner together; he had no idea how he should behave or what was appropriate to say at that moment. He had two options: stay silent and say nothing—he wasn't one to talk much at family dinners, after all…if this could be called that—or he could introduce his parents and sisters to his girlfriend and his crazy friends, leaving out any homosexual and/or R-rated parts.

Since he still had some nicotine and alcohol from Antoine in his system, it was worth the risk and playing with fire, even if it meant talking to Marcus Royce.

Just as he was debating what the right thing to do was, Victoria and the other girls, except Nora, approached, laughing a little too childishly for the boy's taste.

"Is that your girlfriend? She's beautiful. What's her name?" They pointed to Blaire, who had meanwhile latched onto her boyfriend's arm.

"Blaire, nice to meet you. You're very pretty too, huh? You have to tell me everything about your brother, you look so much alike. God, your eyes are beautiful, I wish mine were as blue as yours.”

Crüe looked at what everyone was doing in that moment, analysing and thinking about what their reaction to him yelling something incredibly unsettling might've been. Even if he wasn't going to do that anytime soon, it helped him to know what level of annoyance everyone was. 

Morgan was chatting in french frequently with Marie about something unknown to everyone. 2/10 annoyance 

Sharon was in the middle of a staring contest with Marcus. 8/10

Blaire and all his sisters were the last of his problems, 1/10

Oh, right. Nora was as annoyed as him, she actually had his same expression. 7/10

Now that he knew how the situation was going to go in all details, with everything under control (or at least that's what he thought) he could play the part of the Happy and Carefree, excluding the Gay part.

When the food arrived, the topic of conversation were his baby pictures and stupid stories his mom either made up or he was too tiny to even remember. His plan of being Carefree didn't go as he wanted, it made him bittersweet to see his mom being the center of attention, smiling and giggling like she's never been with him in a long time. 

It was weird, the conversation seemed to be about him, but nobody was even asking him questions or looking him in the eyes. 

“...Then my baby turned 13 and completely ignored all of us by going out every night, mistreating his sisters, and disrespecting his father. He was possibly the worst teenager that I could've get, which is unusual considering that well behaved toddler”

Crüe sighed and turned to Blaire, who was sitting next to him listening to his mother's stories, and drank another glass of fancy Italian wine, which Marcus had drank too much of and was laughing along. 

"Oh Oh, that boy. When he was 14 I had to pick him up at the police station, he was with a dozen men twice his age…drinking underage and sniffing some crack”

“This clearly never happened” the boy fake laughed, he genuinely didn't remember anything like that, he had no clue what his father was talking about. A bit tired he dropped his head on Blaire's arm, she put her hand on his arm and sighed, this dinner was going to take a really dramatic turn.

“You don't remember any of it because you were high as hell.”

“Such a fun memory” with sarcasm, he got yet another glass of wine and ate a bit of his pasta. 

Unfortunately, his sarcasm was too evident; his mother’s expression changed to how Crüe remembered it: harsh, uncaring.

“Why do you always have to ruin everything with your negative energy?”

“You know, maybe there's a reason I didn't want you to know about my band and new identity.” he got up from his seat and pointed his finger to her in an accusing manner. Dramatically.

“Don't you dare…”

“Maybe I ruin everything because you keep forcing me to do shit I've never agreed on”

“Sit down”

“See? You're always-”

“Listen to your mother, sit down. You don't have to yell to make your voice be heard” Marcus spoke up.

Their son sat down, now realizing how much a fool he made out of himself by making him and everyone at the table uncomfortable. Nobody was going to take his side anyway, he wasn't expecting it from any of his band mates since they didn't know enough about his family.

One thing he didn't expect was Nora being so distant by not taking his side, and he couldn't help but feel even more lost, she couldn't blame her actually, but after all he did for her he thought that was the least she could do for her brother's sake.

Notes:

Can't believe I actually managed to publish a chapter exactly one month after the last one.
Don't worry, the future chapters I'm already working on will be less crüe centred, but for now...that Twink needs to suffer

Chapter 25: One hour and Twenty-seven minutes

Notes:

TWO CHAPTERS IN THE SAME MONTH?? Don't thank me, I have too much free time

People around Crüe tried hard to throw events that he wouldn't despite with a burning passion, but no matter how much he liked bragging about being the center of attention, the life of every party, the topic of conversation at dinners and brunches…after exactly one hour and twenty-seven minutes, everything annoyed him and a terrible boredom tormented him.

They knew the lifespan of his social batteries in such an accurate way since Morgan, captured by the desire of a better understanding of the particular behaviors of his bandmates, started out a scientific observation of the singer.

The first step was to time how long he could last in a very crowded place before making up an excuse to leave, the most frequent excuses were two: “I have to piss” and “I'm going to smoke”. Sometimes he did neither action, very often, both.

Morgan hadn't told anyone of the subjects they were part of his scientific observation, and Crüe would never have noticed anyway.

He grew up in a small town, there everyone stares at you as like they were studying an anomaly if you're a fag and stoned costantly.

Even at dinner with Crüe’s lost parents, they took the opportunity to study his family and his origins to understand him better now, and who knows, maybe even sell some weed to one of his parents or sisters—only if over 18, obviously. They would never sell weed to minors, how gross.

They checked their watch; an hour and 26 minutes had passed. Crüe was already showing the first signs of breaking down by getting angry with his mother...They were a little annoyed by the dramatic and exaggerated attitude of a teenager who would say anything to make his mother suffer Crüe had. But it wasn't any of their business; there was definitely a context they weren't aware of.

They watched Crüe get up from his chair, already with an unlit cigarette in his mouth, muttering, "I have to piss.”

Just like they expected.

His mother, meanwhile, sighed in annoyance. 

“Does he act this way with you too?” she asked her son's bandmates.

“Kind of” Morgan simply said.

“All the time,” Sharon exclaimed impatiently.

“It depends.” Blaire was following the boy with her eyes, making sure he hadn't left the restaurant and ran off to God knows where. “I think we should end dinner here.”

They nodded, and Morgan got up first, going to check if he really was in the bathroom.

“Dude! We're leaving, are you in there?”

Crüe looking down came out of the bathroom and, embarrassed by the scene he caused, sighed. “My mother brainwashed you and now you won't want to be my friends anymore?”

“What are you talking about? Morgan knew really well what he meant, but decided to give Crüe space.

“I bet you didn't even notice, my mother's a liar. I hate her, I don't want to come back over there, I don't want to see them again. I left that life in a past that doesn't belong to me anymore”

The other one put their hand on his shoulder as a sign of comfort and understanding. “Would it be too much to ask what happened with your family?”

Crüe looked away, unsure if open up and be honest or hide everything forever, but since he already tried and it hasn't work so well, his parents found him. The truth always comes out at some point.

“My father has always been a violent man, If he had to get angry with someone, my mother and I were his favorites. We were fucking poor and having 6 kids didn't help at all, I was very close to my mother but after the birth of my younger sisters things changed drastically…at 13 I was taking care of 5 sisters and a bedridden mother. This torment went on for years, but then I ran away from home and met you and the others… I couldn't stay Tom Royce, I hate Tom Royce and you would hate him too” 

Morgan embraced him in a tight hug, which caught Crüe off guard but felt embraced in Morgan's chest. 

Then he suddenly brust out in a laugh, looking at the other’s face, he still had tears in his eyes. “DUDE! You got boobs!!?”

Morgan chuckled softly, but didn't confirm it or deny anything. 

“Wait” Crüe stopped laughing for a minute to think about it. “You…don't have balls…?”

Morgan patted his shoulder. “You didn't know…?”

“Uh…So…that means you're a…woman?”

“Some people, like me, don't fit in the classic two genders.”

“What the hell are you then?”

“Not a woman, nor a man”

“Cool” nodding. “Do you have a lighter?”

Morgan was glad of Crüe’s open mind and the ease with which he understood the conversation, which many had a hard-time understanding, they had never opened up so much to each other… It was refreshing to be understood and to understand the other in the same way, even with simple conversations like this. 

They passed him the lighter and lit a cigarette themselves, and they both left laughing, talking about who knows what.

But then, the moment Crüe's gaze met Blaire's, it was as if he'd forgotten everything they'd said in that bathroom to act like the perfect boyfriend.

Okay, Sharon was right once again: Crüe was a pain in the ass, but he made his way into people's hearts.

Although if everyone had paid more attention to what Sharon said more often, things would be better now.