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“Back again,” Wei Wuxian said as a greeting, glancing at Lan Wangji. He didn’t wait for the other and strolled ahead towards the battalion of Wen soldiers Jiang Cheng had informed him about. They seemed to number up to a thousand. Wei Wuxian twirled Chenqing in his hand, expectant of the battle ahead of them. Lan Wangji reached him quickly, falling into step with him. Neither of them said a word, and the air was thick with tension.
Several months into the Sunshot campaign, the Lan brothers joined them at the Jiangling front. Wei Wuxian expected them both to fight together, as he and Jiang Cheng did, but Lan Wangji always paired up with him and followed him closely, fighting alongside him. He would have appreciated the company if only Lan Wangji didn’t bother him with arguments, as if fighting a war wasn’t stimulating enough. He had told Lan Wangji that he preferred fighting by himself, but the man couldn’t take a hint.
“Where is your sword?” Lan Wangji asked, breaking the silence. It was an invitation to another argument. Wei Wuxian shrugged.
“Forgot it,” he said simply.
Lan Wangji didn’t comment further. They met the Wen soldiers. Their faces paled at the sight of him. Wei Wuxian lifted Chenqing and shrill music erupted from it.
The moon rose high by the time the battle ended. It had taken hours, but Wei Wuxian felt as if days had passed. The enemy had fought to the last, more and more soldiers coming at them from all sides. In the end, Lan Wangji had taken him aside and they had disappeared into the forest. Wei Wuxian complained, knowing he could have fought longer, could have won, but Lan Wangji didn’t listen, dragging him by the arm until Wei Wuxian followed reluctantly.
Perhaps it was for the best. He hadn’t noticed he had gotten injured, or just how bad it was. Spasms of pain were shooting up his left leg and he gritted his teeth, trying not to let any sounds escape. Darkness enveloped them, and he hoped Lan Wangji wouldn’t notice he was in pain. He trodded carefully through the thick undergrowth, looking out for any roots growing above the soil. He couldn’t recall the moment he had gotten injured, nor how it happened; it wasn’t important anyway. It would surely cause him difficulties if anybody knew. Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli, and Lan Wangji—they wouldn’t let him on the front until he healed. And what excuses would he make for such a minor injury persisting for longer than it should?
He threw a glance back. His body ached as he twisted it. Lan Wangji was following him, as he always did, walking a few paces behind, perhaps trying to keep a reasonable distance between them. His white robes and silver sword were clearly visible and he looked pristine, unlike a person who was returning from a battle. Their eyes met and Wei Wuxian looked away.
“You don’t have to follow me,” Wei Wuxian muttered, knowing that Lan Wangji had heard. They could return to the camp each on their own. It would take him longer than it would Lan Wangji, and he wasn’t sure how far away they were right now, but Lan Wangji could have a meal and bathe and rest and yet he still chose to waste his time looking after him. Wei Wuxian didn’t understand. Was Lan Wangji making sure he wasn’t engaging in dangerous rituals with the dead? Frolicking with ghost girls and disrespecting them? Scheming something that the man would deem unrighteous?
A drop of water fell on Wei Wuxian’s cheek, followed by another, and another, crashing against his eyelid as he looked up. He brushed away the streaks of water on his face. Rain had started pattering against the leaves and the deep rumble of thunder sounded from afar. “Great,” he muttered under his breath and sighed. He wanted to return soon and take care of his ankle. The cover of the tree crowns should provide enough protection. He turned to Lan Wangji. “You can go, Hanguang-jun. I’ll be fine on my own.”
Lan Wangji stared at him without a word. He seemed to disagree and Wei Wuxian walked ahead, ignoring him. Despite the canopy above them, the heavy rain soon drenched them and the ground below became muddy. Wind broke out, hurling leaves and branches against him. He covered his head, trying to think of what to do. He squelched through the mud and panted softly as pain squeezed his leg. Lan Wangji was close; he had drawn Bichen and used its light to reveal the path ahead. His step was light and silent, and Wei Wuxian wondered how he could be this graceful under such circumstances.
When the ground became rocky and elevated, Wei Wuxian slowed down. It seemed they were climbing the mountain. He hoped they would find a cave or a natural alcove to hide in. Close by a lightning struck and startled him; the sound of it was strong and reverberating, as if it had toppled down a whole tower of stones. Wei Wuxian lost his footing as he put his weight on his injured foot and lurched. He gasped and cursed under his breath. Lan Wangji’s arms closed around him, holding him upright. It was a tight embrace and he felt Lan Wangji’s hand squeezing his waist. He grabbed Lan Wangji with a vice grip, digging his fingers into his robes. The pain suddenly eased and he leaned into Lan Wangji’s body.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said. Wei Wuxian hummed as he pressed this face into his robes. It was nice and warm and he suddenly felt boneless. “We must find shelter. You are unwell.”
Of course Lan Wangji had noticed and was sure to pester him about it now. The man was watching him like a hawk.
“Let me carry you,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian pushed himself away, distancing himself from Lan Wangji. “There’s no need, Hanguang-jun.”
“You cannot walk like this,” he insisted.
Wei Wuxian shook his head. “Don’t be so stubborn. You should’ve gone to camp already. Zewu-jun will be looking for you.”
Lan Wangji watched him for a moment, eyes tired and mouth set; perhaps he was fed up with Wei Wuxian’s protests. He spoke, “If you will not let me help, at least take cover. I will find us a shelter.” Then he rose on Bichen, observing the area from above. It had to be horrid to travel on his sword in this weather. He wobbled on Bichen the higher he got, jostled by the howling wind. Wei Wuxian observed him as a pang of something hit his chest. If Lan Wangji had left earlier, he wouldn’t be in this situation. It wasn’t as if he had made Lan Wangji stay or follow him. Why was Lan Wangji so distrustful of him?
Wei Wuxian tried to take a step forward but intense pain blinded him. He bit down on his lip, smothering his cries. Blood welled up on it. He fell to his knees and his hands scraped on the ground. He breathed deeply, waiting for it to subside. The rain had slowed, drizzling steadily. The wind blew at his wet clothes, making him shiver. He rested against a tree trunk, waiting for Lan Wangji to return and hugged himself, tumbling as coldness permeated through his clothes. He wished he had something to warm him and to make him feel just a little better. Absentmindedly, he pressed a hand against his abdomen. There the scars stretched as he breathed and he felt a phantom pain, like a knife digging into his skin. He held onto Chenqing then, rubbing its holes and ridges. A realisation occurred to him that he hadn’t played any songs that weren’t meant to raise the dead yet and to soothe them. Nothing meant for fun.
Lan Wangji returned quickly, the sleeves of his robes billowing, his hair playing in the wind. He looked like a deity coming down from heaven. Wei Wuxian smiled a little at the image. Lan Wangji frowned when he saw him. Probably because he had stayed out under the rain. Lan Wangji was strange like that. He kneeled and held his hand above Wei Wuxian’s head, as if trying to shield him from the rain. Wei Wuxian pushed away his hand and said, “It’s too late now.”
A little wrinkle had appeared between Lan Wangji’s brows and he pursed his mouth slightly. “I have found a place,” he said. “Let me carry you.” He extended his hand, waiting for Wei Wuxian to take it. Wei Wuxian shook his head in refusal. Lan Wangji wouldn’t let this go. But he didn’t want to be babied like this. He ignored Lan Wangji’s hand, supporting himself on the tree, gripping its branches tightly. He steeled himself and lifted one leg, followed by another, and again, until the pain that shot through him made him mewl and he clenched his teeth and groaned, suddenly feeling intensely annoyed with himself. In the next moment, he was being lifted onto Lan Wangji’s back. “Lan Zhan, put me down,” he protested weakly.
“No,” Lan Wangji said. He wrapped Wei Wuxian’s arms around his shoulders and held his legs close to his torso.
“This is too much—“
“Bear it,” Lan Wangji snapped.
Wei Wuxian fell silent. He pouted—not that Lan Wangji would see him—and tried to relax, crossing his legs and leaning into the other. He caught a whiff of his scent; it was earthy and pleasant and reminded him of the conifers that grew at the Cloud Recesses. He wondered how the rebuilding of the clan’s grounds was going, what was left of the beautiful buildings and lush gardens and ancient scrolls, and what was lost of it, irreparable and irreplaceable, but he didn’t dare ask. He had told Lan Wangji it wasn’t any of his business to be concerned with the Jiang clan, so what right did he have to ask about the Lan clan?
Lan Wangji made his way through the slopes of the mountain. He was careful where he stepped, but the rocks were wet and the paths friable and he often slipped, apologising to Wei Wuxian when he got back up. Wei Wuxian hated that they were in this situation. He wanted it to end sooner, but admittedly he also enjoyed being carried by Lan Wangji. He had only been carried like this once, and it was by Jiang Yanli. He recalled the memory fondly, and hugged Lan Wangji tighter, thinking of his shijie’s embrace.
“We are almost there,” Lan Wangji said, presumably thinking Wei Wuxian had grown tired. But Wei Wuxian’s eyes had started to sting and he didn’t understand why. He blinked away the wetness gathering there, hoping not to embarrass himself further. He tried to push away the thoughts, but the more he did, the more they persisted. He was back at Lotus Pier suddenly. A persistent scream sounded in his mind, gradually lowering in intensity. It was a peaceful day back home, the aroma of spring permeating the air, warm sunlight touching his skin, and he was being gently rocked in a boat with Jiang Cheng rowing by his side, and his shijie was there at the end of the pier, waving at them. The tears that fell down his cheeks were burning and he squeezed his eyes shut. He wriggled, and said, “Put me down.” He was hoping Lan Wangji wouldn’t hear the brokenness of it.
They were on a narrow path, a dark abyss below them. Lan Wangji warned, “Wei Ying,” and gripped him tighter. He turned his head slightly, perhaps trying to look at him. Something flashed through his eyes at the sight, and he fastened his pace. Wei Wuxian wondered what he looked like. He felt a little lightheaded. The screaming in his head intensified, surrounding his thoughts. He couldn’t tell if he had heard it at Lotus Pier or the Burial Mounds, or if it was his own.
Soon before them appeared a crack in the rock’s face. The entrance was as narrow as one body but opened to a larger chamber. It was cold inside but much better than staying out in the open and Wei Wuxian sighed in relief. Lan Wangji put him down gently, and Wei Wuxian slid against the cave’s wall and sat heavily on the floor. It smelled just like the cave at the Burial Mounds—of dampness and mould—and he wrinkled his nose, trying not to think of that as well. Lan Wangji left briefly and returned with something in his hands, probably wood. Wei Wuxian watched him move about expertly, starting a fire. He could see his features now, lit by the soft glow. His eyes were dark and he looked at Wei Wuxian with concern. “I have dry robes,” Lan Wangji said.
“Keep them for yourself,” Wei Wuxian said.
“I don’t need them.”
“Have you always been this stubborn?” Wei Wuxian said. His clothes were clearly soaked as well. What was he doing, offering Wei Wuxian such luxury before taking care of himself?
Lan Wangji took out his neatly folded robes and left them by Wei Wuxian’s side. “I will not wear them. Do as you will.” He turned back to the fire, rekindling it and adding more wood. The warmth of it soon started to be felt, but Wei Wuxian was still uncomfortable in his damp clothes. And so was Lan Wangji, surely. Why was he doing this? Wei Wuxian sighed and untied the sash keeping his robes closed. He wasn’t fearful of Lan Wangji seeing him, for the man was too prudish to watch him naked. Just as he had thought, the moment Lan Wangji noticed him undressing, he got up and left the cave. If Wei Wuxian had any energy left in him he would have teased him. He peeled off the layers of clothes and goosebumps appeared on his exposed skin. His scars were purplish and stretched over his bones and he covered them quickly with the silken fabric of the Gusu Lan robes. They felt so strange on his body, compared to the tattered old robes he usually wore—expensive, soft, warmer than his own. They were slightly larger on his frame and Wei Wuxian tightened the sash around his torso. Then he took off his boots and stared at his swollen ankle. Just then Lan Wangji walked in, a little cautiously. He saw the injury and said, “A healer must see you.”
Wei Wuxian clicked his tongue in annoyance. “It’s just a tiny injury, Lan Zhan. It will heal on it’s own.”
“You must not put your health at risk.”
“I haven’t seen this rule on the Wall of Discipline. Are you making it up?”
“Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan…”
Wei Wuxian covered his leg with the robe. He couldn’t do anything about it right now. Lan Wangji kneeled beside him and asked, “Do you have any medicine?”
“No.”
Lan Wangji reached out to grab his hand and Wei Wuxian jerked it away. “What are you doing?”
Lan Wangji frowned at him. “Giving you spiritual energy.”
“I’ll do fine without it,” Wei Wuxian said, crossing his arms. “I’m strong enough. I’ll heal on my own.”
Lan Wangji’s chest rose as if he had taken a deep breath. He held the hem of his own robe and teared it suddenly, procuring a long piece of fabric. Then he brushed the cloth covering Wei Wuxian’s leg and asked, “Can I?”
Wei Wuxian nodded. Lan Wangji’s elegant robes were now uneven and pieces of fabric hung off of it. “You didn’t have to ruin your robes,” Wei Wuxian muttered.
Lan Wangji ignored him, pulling the fabric over his leg slowly. There was a large red bump and Lan Wangji touched it gently, but it still made Wei Wuxian hiss. He snapped his mouth shut when Lan Wangji looked at him with wide eyes. “Why did you not tell me?” he asked.
“What’s the point. I thought we would be back soon.”
“We could have flown.”
The idea made Wei Wuxian shiver. He didn't want to fly on a sword ever again, but he kept that to himself. “I didn’t feel it earlier,” he said, telling half of the truth. Lan Wangji pursed his lips. He started wrapping the fabric around his ankle with care, tightening it to act as a makeshift bandage. Wei Wuxian rested his head on the wall. Suddenly the image of Wen Qing appeared in his mind. She worked with nimble movements and the utmost care, though she was definitely not as gentle as Lan Wangji. He wondered where she was right now. He realised, with some guilt, that he hadn’t thought of her in months, ever since he left her and Wen Ning on the mountain back then, waiting for Jiang Cheng to wake up and find him. If their betrayal to the Wen clan had been discovered, he wouldn’t know a thing.
“How is it?” Lan Wangji asked, taking him out of his mind.
“Fine,” he said, “tight.”
Lan Wangji nodded, then lifted his leg and placed his ankle on top of his thighs. Wei Wuxian gave him a questioning look. “You must keep your leg elevated,” Lan Wangji explained.
“Surely you won’t stay like this all night,” Wei Wuxian said, staring at Lan Wangji with disbelief. But Lan Wangji seemed as if he had made his choice, the resoluteness clear in his face. “I’m uncomfortable. Aren’t you as well?”
“I’m not,” he replied, but he seemed to waver, frowning slightly, perhaps at hearing Wei Wuxian’s hesitation.
“Let’s lie down,” Wei Wuxian said. “The ground is hard enough; I can’t stay upright all night. My butt is starting to hurt.”
Lan Wangji was hesitant for a moment but complied in the end. Wei Wuxian felt like he had won something and grinned foolishly. Lan Wangji removed his outer robe and spread it over the ground to dry, then helped Wei Wuxian to lie down. Wei Wuxian wanted to protest and tell him he could do it himself, but wherever Lan Wangji held him firmly, Wei Wuxian felt his skin tingling, as if his bare body was being touched. Lan Wangji stripped another of his robes and Wei Wuxian chuckled inwardly, for the pure Lan Wangji had never displayed any nudity, then his mirth died when the man placed the robe under his head, leaning over him, his hands gentle and warm. Wei Wuxian held his breath; Lan Wangji was so close Wei Wuxian could see a vein pulsating on his throat rapidly. He noticed Lan Wangji’s lips were chapped and red where the skin had broken and he absentmindedly licked his own lips. Perhaps Lan Wangji was dehydrated, or was it because of the cold? Didn’t he have a flask of water stored in his Qiankun bag?
Lan Wangji moved away and Wei Wuxian breathed in again. He piled Wei Wuxian’s discarded robes and placed them under Wei Wuxian’s ankle, providing slight elevation. He observed his work and seemed unsatisfied. He left the cave again and returned soon after with a flatter piece of rock and placed it underneath the robes. “How do you feel?” he asked.
Wei Wuxian shrugged. “Fine.”
Lan Wangji stared at him for a moment, perhaps looking for a reaction contrary to what Wei Wuxian had said. Wei Wuxian gave him a slight smile. Was Lan Wangji always so concerned about others? Wei Wuxian hadn’t noticed this about him before. Perhaps it was a sense of comradeship, but it wasn’t as if he was dying. It would be funny if Lan Wangji acted so motherly with everyone who fought and got injured. Wei Wuxian bit back a laugh. Lan Wangji sat some distance away from him with a straight back and his legs crossed, and closed his eyes. A few moments passed where Lan Wangji seemed like he wouldn’t move at all and Wei Wuxian asked, “Do you plan on sleeping like this?”
“Mn.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Wei Wuxian said. “Come here.”
Lan Wangji didn’t react to his request. Wei Wuxian sighed and put his hands behind his head, trying to fall asleep. He had nearly forgotten about the dull ache in his leg and the way his stomach was constricting at the lack of food. He wondered if Jiang Cheng would be looking for him, if he would think Wei Wuxian was captured. As long as he didn’t do anything stupid, it would be fine. He would likely scold him a little and send him off again. Jiang Yanli though would probably not take it well. She had cried incessantly when he had returned from the Burial Mounds, after months of not seeing him and thinking he was dead. Wei Wuxian would hate to see her cry again. Suddenly, he remembered Lan Wangji carrying him on his back and how good it had felt. He hadn’t had much contact with other people lately and he could count the instances on one hand—hugging Jiang Cheng once, Jiang Yanli’s hands caressing him, Lan Wangji gripping his wrist. Everyone else was scared of touching him. Perhaps he was radiating evilness; he had no doubt that’s what the Lan clan sensed in him. Or did he smell of death?
He shivered at the sudden coldness that blanketed him. The fire was dying down, its embers glowing red reminding him of how the sun looked at the Burial Mounds. Lan Wangji rose without a word and rekindled it. He had dark patches under his eyes and he seemed tired. When Lan Wangji moved to return back to his spot, Wei Wuxian caught his hand and stopped him. Lan Wangji looked at the place where they connected with slightly widened eyes and Wei Wuxian let him go.
“Can you stay? It’s cold,” Wei Wuxian said.
“I will keep the fire burning.”
“Please lie with me.” He sounded whiny now. There was a strange nervousness in his belly and he bit his lip, unsure why he was asking this of Lan Wangji.
A tremble ran through Lan Wangji’s body. It was fascinating to witness. Wei Wuxian’s hands twitched to grab him and pull him down forcefully. Then Lan Wangji was lying next to him, supporting his head with one hand. Wei Wuxian watched his profile, awed that Lan Wangji had listened to him. He felt warmed where their shoulders were touching. The fire was crackling and the ground didn’t feel as hard as it was. Lan Wangji’s chest rose and fell slowly. “Thank you,” Wei Wuxian breathed and settled in, letting out a sigh. “This is nice.”
Lan Wangji was quiet; perhaps he had fallen asleep. The tiredness started to weigh down Wei Wuxian. He yawned and his limbs felt heavy and he didn’t want to move in the next few hours. He was constantly on edge and uncomfortable, but now he felt relaxed and he dozed off. Then Lan Wangji’s voice took him out of his light sleep.
“Wei Ying?” he asked tentatively, as if he didn’t want to disturb him.
“Yeah?”
Lan Wangji seemed to hesitate. “I’m sorry,” he said. “About your clan.”
A pang of pain stabbed in his chest. He didn’t want to think about them. A quiet noise of acknowledgment was his only reply.
“Jiang Wanyin told me…” Lan Wangji paused and gulped audibly. Wei Wuxian wondered what could Jiang Cheng possibly tell him; they were far from close. “I heard rumours,” Lan Wangji continued.
Isn’t gossiping forbidden? Wei Wuxian thought but didn’t say it. He had an inkling what Lan Wangji would ask but he was surprised at how hesitant he was being. It was unlike how he tended to approach him, with determination and anger clear in his expression. Wei Wuxian kept quiet, gauging Lan Wangji’s intentions.
“Were you taken by them?” Lan Wangji asked quietly.
“Ugh, what a way to spoil my mood,” Wei Wuxian said.
“Forget it then,” Lan Wangji said, turning slightly away from him. Wei Wuxian shook his head. Lan Wangji had no right to be upset. It seemed to Wei Wuxian that Lan Wangji was only being curious. It was a welcome break in their usual confrontations lately. Wei Wuxian missed talking with him without always having to be on the defensive.
“I was,” he admitted.
Lan Wangji took in a sharp breath. “And they hurt you,” he said, not really asking. The hand on his chest was tightened in a fist.
“It doesn’t matter,” Wei Wuxian said, “they’re getting what they deserve now.” It wasn’t as if the Wen hadn’t hurt Lan Wangji and his own clan as well, and yet he sounded strangely upset about Wei Wuxian getting hurt as well. “I will wipe them out.”
Lan Wangji looked at him; Wei Wuxian always felt pinned down by his gaze and uneasy, as if he was being looked at from the inside out. “Must you do it in this way?”
Wei Wuxian huffed and stared back at Lan Wangji. “Not again, Lan Zhan. For once, let me live.”
Lan Wangji never gave up his stance. “I am merely concerned.”
Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes. He felt like he wanted to get up and go out into the night, leaving Lan Wangji behind. “Don’t. I’m tired. Don’t wanna listen to your hatred of me tonight.”
“Wei Ying, I don’t hate you.”
“It’s not obvious to anyone but yourself,” Wei Wuxian said bitterly.
Lan Wangji didn’t speak for a few moments and Wei Wuxian thought it had ended. Then he said, “I will try better.”
Wei Wuxian frowned. “What?”
“I will show you I do not think ill of you.”
“Does that mean you will stop asking me to come to Gusu?”
“No.”
Wei Wuxian suddenly chortled, finding Lan Wangji really funny. He wasn’t going to change his ways it seemed, which was typical. “But badgering me constantly is making me think you can’t stand who I am.”
“I am doing it because I—“ Lan Wangji stopped himself.
“Hm?”
“Nothing,” Lan Wangji replied. “Sleep.” Just like that he ended the conversation. Wei Wuxian watched him with wonder. Lan Wangji was a strange man. If he didn’t hate him then what were his intentions? He surely meant to cleanse him of evil, to get rid of someone dangerous like Wei Wuxian. As long as the Lan clan preached their righteousness, Wei Wuxian wouldn’t be let to practice his cultivation path in peace. Lan Wangji was the exemplary of his clan. What other reasons could he have?
Wei Wuxian’s head hurt. The conversation had made it worse. It throbbed persistently and he placed his cold hand against his forehead. He couldn’t tell if he had a fever. He was restless for a long time before he could fall asleep.
Wei Wuxian stirred slowly, feeling warm and comfortable. His injured leg started to throb with pain as he came to awareness again. He let out a tired yawn. The fire had died but there was some light filtering through the cave’s entrance. Morning had come and they would have to leave, but he didn’t want to move yet; he felt as if he was cocooned in thick blankets. He smiled a little, though it began to dawn on him how unusual the situation was.
When the pleasant haze in his mind cleared, he realised he was lying on top of Lan Wangji. He had thrown his leg over the other’s and his head lay on top of the man’s chest. With his ear pressed into Lan Wangji’s chest, Wei Wuxian could hear the gentle beating of his heart. The heat of Lan Wangji’s body enveloped him sweetly. Lan Wangji had wrapped his arms around him in a protective embrace.
Wei Wuxian remained frozen for a while, wondering how he had ended up like this. He cursed under his breath, reproaching himself for being so careless. He shuffled, trying to extricate himself from Lan Wangji, but the man’s arms tightened, unwilling to let him go. Wei Wuxian didn’t want to leave his warmth either. He could stay like this and pretend nothing had happened later. If he moved away, he would have to lay down on the hard ground instead. His heart was resisting, his body inert with reluctance. But he knew that he should remove himself from Lan Wangji.
“Lan Zhan,” he whispered, trying to wake him up. He listened to Lan Wangji’s even breathing. “Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji sighed and shifted, moving Wei Wuxian closer into himself. Wei Wuxian made a small noise of complaint. His face was suddenly buried into the crook of Lan Wangji’s neck and Lan Wangji’s hands had tightened around his torso even more. Lan Wangji breathed out his name in his sleep and then pressed his lips against his head. Wei Wuxian’s breath hitched and he squeezed Lan Wangji’s robes in his fist. His thoughts ran chaotically, making his head spin.
What is Lan Zhan doing? Is he having a dream? Is he pretending he is asleep? Why is he acting so affectionately? Wake up, Lan Zhan, wake up!
Lan Wangji’s hug was so tight that Wei Wuxian felt himself pressed painfully close into his body. He didn’t know where to put his hands so he held onto Lan Wangji’s arms. His heart beat so fast that he wasn’t sure whether he wasn’t feeling Lan Wangji’s own heartbeat alongside his. He moved his leg so it wouldn’t be hurt more. He had fitted in between Lan Wangji’s legs and he could feel something hard poking at his belly. He wiggled a little, trying to find a comfortable position. Lan Wangji made a noise in his sleep and Wei Wuxian stopped. He suddenly realised what it was that was pushing into him and flushed with embarrassment.
It seemed like a long time passed when Wei Wuxian finally started to relax. Despite being unable to move, Wei Wuxian enjoyed feeling safe and snug in Lan Wangji’s arms. His nose pressed into Lan Wangji’s skin and he found it was damp and smelling faintly of sweat which Wei Wuxian found unbelievable. Lan Wangji’s chest was exposed, the robe he wore parting at the front. Wei Wuxian had never seen Lan Wangji like this; it was as if he had lost all propriety and had let himself free. It was funny and Wei Wuxian wanted to tease him. He was finding a lot of things to tease Lan Wangji about. But it was also making him feel special— it was a side of Lan Wangji no one had witnessed before—and uneasy, for he didn’t think he was allowed to see it. So he wouldn’t mention it when Lan Wangji woke up.
Perhaps Lan Wangji had needed this—the comfort of touch. Wei Wuxian had needed it too; he could admit this to himself. It was lonely when he was surrounded by the dead, and he felt distanced from the living. His songs were melancholy and grating sometimes and he longed to hear something sweet. Would Lan Wangji agree to sing to him again, the way he had at the cave in Mount Muxi? Perhaps he could try convincing him. He still remembered how melodic Lan Wangji’s voice was, how soft and lovely; it reminded him of the sound of music played on hot summer evenings in Yunmeng. He breathed against Lan Wangji’s neck, “Sing to me, please.” His request remained unheard, but Wei Wuxian smiled. He felt really warm on the inside and he hadn’t felt like this since back when his golden core was still inside him. The wounds he had didn’t hurt as much as they usually did. He was filled with joy that wanted to burst out of him. It was strange, for he wasn’t sure why he felt so strongly. His smile lingered onto his face, small and genuine.
Wei Wuxian was woken rudely; he had fallen asleep again and now Lan Wangji had turned them over and Wei Wuxian found the ground too hard and uneven and whined in protest. Lan Wangji seemed shaken by their position, his eyes looking about them frantically. He apologised quickly and tried to move away, but Wei Wuxian grabbed his shoulders, keeping him in place. “Where are you going?” he asked groggily.
“I am sorry, I—”
“I’m cold,” Wei Wuxian said, “and it’s your fault. You must take responsibility.” Wei Wuxian was offended that Lan Wangji had taken this away from him and had started blabbering nonsense. Lan Wangji’s mouth hung open and he seemed unsure what to say. His robes had opened even more with the way Wei Wuxian was tugging on them and he glanced at the man’s chest. His skin was smooth and reddened and Wei Wuxian wanted to touch him. Lan Wangji noticed the state of his appearance and quickly closed the robe around himself. Wei Wuxian pouted.
“Wei Ying, the day is breaking. We must go,” Lan Wangji said, his voice sounding strained.
“I don’t want to go anywhere. Can’t you come back here?”
“Your injury must be tended to.”
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian drawled. He let go of the other and crossed his arms, looking away. “Unfair.” He still felt drowsy and he wasn’t sure why he was acting like this or what exactly was unfair. He knew that they should return but being embraced had been too nice and he wouldn’t be getting treated like this anytime soon. Suddenly he felt the soft press of Lan Wangji’s mouth on his forehead and he froze. His face tingled and he held his breath. Lan Wangji’s kiss lingered for a moment and when they parted he was close and looking at Wei Wuxian intently. Wei Wuxian’s whole face started burning and he wondered how Lan Wangji could look so composed.
“Better?” Lan Wangji asked.
Wei Wuxian gulped loudly. He was speechless. He nodded slightly and watched Lan Wangji rise, turning his back to him and arrange his robes and guan and forehead ribbon. (His ears peaking between his locks were red and Wei Wuxian felt relieved that it wasn’t just him). Wei Wuxian touched the spot where Lan Wangji had kissed him and felt the skin tingle under his fingers. Lan Wangji continued to surprise him; Wei Wuxian hadn’t ever expected this of him. He rose, supporting himself on his arms. His head still throbbed. Lan Wangji kneeled next to him and supported him, helping him to get up. Wei Wuxian hummed and said, “You’re being very indulgent, Lan Zhan. Is there a reason?”
Lan Wangji ignored him. He gathered their things and cleaned up. Wei Wuxian leaned against the wall. For a moment he forgot where they were and what was happening around them. He felt light and happy even. He remembered teasing Lan Wangji back at the Cloud Recesses and how shy the boy had been. This was the same Lan Wangji, barely a few years older. “Are you going to carry me again, Lan Zhan?” he said in a lighthearted voice. “Be my saviour, Hanguang-jun!”
“We will fly,” Lan Wangji said.
“Oh.” Wei Wuxian’s chest constricted with a spike of anxiety. “I-I don’t want to.”
“You cannot walk.”
“Why? I’m feeling much better.”
Lan Wangji looked at him with disbelief. “We will reach the camp sooner if we fly. I will take you.”
Wei Wuxian shook his head. “Come on, don’t be stubborn. Go ahead if you don’t want to walk with me.”
Lan Wangji didn’t relent. He stood next to Wei Wuxian, held his waist and threw one of his arms over his shoulders, helping him to leave the cave. Outside it was bright and Wei Wuxian squinted against the light. When he looked out he realised they were much higher than before. The plains of the battlefield were far away in the distance and the path to get down was steep. Lan Wangji had climbed hundreds of meters with Wei Wuxian on his back to get them to a warm shelter.
“Why do you not wish to fly? It is in your blood,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian grimaced. He didn’t reply. It seemed Lan Wangji won’t let him go on his own and Wei Wuxian really couldn’t do it without breaking a leg. He didn’t want to waste any more of their time either. “Fine,” he gritted out, already feeling his palms sweating. Lan Wangji observed him and Wei Wuxian said, “Get it over with.”
Lan Wangji nodded. He drew Bichen and stepped onto it with grace. He held out his hand. Wei Wuxian steeled himself—It will be fine. I’ve done it a million times—and took Lan Wangji’s hand and joined him. Bichen dipped only slightly, but Lan Wangji’s control of it seemed to be impeccable. Wei Wuxian buried himself into Lan Wangji, wrapping his arms around him and holding onto him tightly. If Lan Wangji wondered why he was so tactile, he didn’t say anything. He held him back gently. Wei Wuxian closed his eyes but it wasn’t helping much. He could feel the air against them as they flew, tousling his hair and blowing his robes.
And then an image came to the forefront of his mind. He was being held above the Burial Mounds and he couldn’t escape.
He used to love flying; perhaps he still did. But it hurt. He didn’t understand it. It was as if he was being transported back to the past, to that one moment of being suspended in the air, waiting to fall and be eaten by the resentful energy, reaching out to him. He had been in so much pain back then, from the surgery, and from being beaten by the Wen cultivators, and from the losses he had suffered, and it had all mingled in with the fear of what was to come. If death had come to him, it would have been a merciful release.
He felt clammy and started trembling. He needed to focus on something else. He squeezed Lan Wangji tighter. It was Lan Wangji. It wasn’t a Wen. Wei Wuxian had to make sure. He nuzzled into Lan Wangji, smelling his hair. It was a familiar scent of sandalwood, faint but unmistakable. He recalled the days spent at the Cloud Recesses, chasing Lan Wangji around. The scent of incense had lingered to Lan Wangji strongly, and Wei Wuxian always got a whiff of it when he stood too close to the other boy. The memory calmed him somewhat. Then Lan Wangji spoke in his ear, “Wei Ying.”
Wei Wuxian said, “How much longer, Lan Zhan?” His voice was muffled by the way he was pressing his mouth in Lan Wangji’s robes. Lan Wangji rubbed his back in a soothing manner.
“Soon.”
Wei Wuxian groaned miserably. Then he felt something tugging gently on his hair and realised Lan Wangji was carding his fingers through it. He tried concentrating on that feeling. It was hard at first, the rapid beating in his chest hard to ignore. “Don’t stop,” he said breathlessly. His scalp was tingling. Lan Wangji continued obediently, running his fingers from where it was tied to the ends, careful not to undo the knot of his ribbon. Wei Wuxian wanted him to remove the ribbon so that he could bury his hand freely.
He didn’t realise when they arrived, the camp grounds stretching below them. Lan Wangji stopped some distance away and whispered, “We are here.” Wei Wuxian looked up from where his face was buried. They were back on the ground. He breathed out in relief. But it was hard to leave Lan Wangji’s side. Lan Wangji had stopped caressing his hair and Wei Wuxian missed the touch. He parted from Lan Wangji slowly and didn’t look at him, thinking that his face was red with shame or white with fear. He felt dizzy. Perhaps Lan Wangji had stopped so far to save him some face. Wei Wuxian appreciated it.
They walked to the camp with Lan Wangji supporting him. Wei Wuxian was hoping Jiang Cheng wouldn’t see them like this. It looked worse than it was but Lan Wangji wouldn’t allow him to walk on his own. Nothing was wrong with him, really.
As luck would have it, Jiang Cheng spotted them from afar. He ran up to them and shouted his name. “What happened to you?”
Wei Wuxian smiled, wanting to reassure his brother that he was fine. It didn’t reach his eyes and he didn’t feel it. He joked, “Did you worry about me, didi?” Jiang Cheng was going to scold him but his gaze trailed to Lan Wangji holding him. Lan Wangji let him go and greeted Jiang Cheng with a bow of his head. He said, “Wei Ying is hurt. Jiang-zongzhu must take him to a healer.”
Jiang Cheng nodded and scowled. “Where are you hurt? How bad is it?”
“Not at all,” he said. “It’s just a sprain. It will heal in a day.”
“It better. We have to leave soon.” Then he took Lan Wangji’s place, holding him awkwardly.
“You’ve never been so caring, Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian teased.
Jiang Cheng grumbled. Wei Wuxian turned to speak with Lan Wangji but the other had gone. “Oh,” he breathed. He couldn’t thank him.
“I’m surprised you and Lan Wangji haven’t torn one another apart,” Jiang Cheng said. They walked to their camp slowly. “And why the hell are you dressed in his robes?”
Wei Wuxian flushed. “Mine were wet. How’s Shijie?” he asked, changing the subject.
“She is worried about you.”
“Tell her I’m fine.”
“How bad is it?”
“Not at all. Lan Zhan is exaggerating.”
Jiang Cheng took him to his tent and lay him on the bed. He asked for a healer and unwrapped his wound. “Why is it so swollen?” he asked.
Wei Wuxian frowned and looked at it. It wasn’t so bad. Better than last night for sure. “It’s not,” he said.
Jiang Cheng shook his head. “Wei Wuxian—“ he started but then the healer walked in and Jiang Cheng left him alone with her.
He was given medicinal tea and a herbal paste to apply. And told to rest. Just as he had thought. Jiang Cheng said he would get him a horse. Wei Wuxian spent the day sitting in his tent, doing nothing. He was bored out of his mind. Jiang Yanli came to visit him at some point, fussing over him. He reassured her that he was okay and he was glad that no one had spoken about the speed of his healing. He didn’t like the look of her face—the fear hidden behind her eyes. She held his hand between hers, rubbing at his rough skin. When she left it was like the sun hiding behind a dark cloud. The silence of his tent was different to the silence he had shared with Lan Wangji. It was oppressive and he wished he could fill it with music.
He lifted Chenqing to his lips. His flute was a weapon; he had only ever used it as such. He blew into it. The first notes jarred on him, but then he eased into the sound, playing something mellow. It was nice to play just for his pleasure. He performed a song he had heard in his childhood, music the Yunmeng kids would make on simple bamboo flutes. It eased his mind and he played for a long time, only stopping to eat and drink his medicine.
That night there were celebrations; Jiang Cheng had led a successful ambush and killed hundreds of soldiers. People bustled about the place and Wei Wuxian listened to them cheering outside. He wished he had something other than tea to drink, some Emperor’s Smile perhaps. Jiang Cheng had told him they would be moving camp tomorrow and he should sleep, but he couldn’t close his eyes at all. He had observed the interior of his tent to the point of knowing what was in it and where it was placed even with his eyes closed. The ceiling was high, bearing down on him as he reposed on his back, and he felt the space was too open, the shadows becoming deep into its far corners. He had read through all of the books he had with him so there was nothing interesting to entertain him.
He heard his name spoken outside the tent. Probably some disciples he didn’t know. He wondered what they were discussing. When he was the topic of conversation it was always either very good or very bad; it was people talking about him with envy and awe and hatred. Suddenly, he wondered what Lan Wangji was doing. Was he sitting with a book right now, reading slowly and savouring his text? Perhaps he traced the carefully drawn characters and replicated the words in his head.
Someone entered his tent. “I was just thinking about you,” Wei Wuxian blurted out. Lan Wangji hesitated at the door. He was carrying something in his hands—a steaming bowl. Wei Wuxian sniffed the air. “What is this?” he asked.
“I have brought you food.”
Lan Wangji hadn’t ever come willingly to his tent. When they were at the camp he kept his distance. But Wei Wuxian was almost always with Jiang Cheng, or hiding, so that didn’t surprise him.
“Why?” Wei Wuxian asked abruptly, completely taken aback by Lan Wangji’s actions.
Lan Wangji sat by Wei Wuxian’s bedside, ignoring his question. He had brought him some kind of soup with a deep colour, unlike the bland soups they ate at Gusu Lan. It had a savoury aroma and Wei Wuxian’s mouth watered. A few chunks of meat were swimming in the broth. “Where did they find meat?” Wei Wuxian exclaimed.
Lan Wangji still did not answer him. Wei Wuxian was getting frustrated but he wouldn’t refuse such a gift. He wondered if Jiang Yanli had made it for him, but why hadn’t she come instead?
“The soup should aid your recovery,” Lan Wangji spoke finally. “Please eat it.”
Wei Wuxian sat up and licked his lips. “Thanks, Lan Zhan.” He took the bowl from Lan Wangji, his hands cupping the other’s. He brought the bowl to his mouth, breathing in deeply and then exhaled with a delighted “ah” and started drinking the broth. The flavour that burst on his tongue was intense, making his eyes water. It was an unfamiliar flavour; probably not something from Yunmeng then. So he wondered if his shijie had really made it. He smacked his lips and said, “I haven’t tasted such good food in ages! Lan Zhan, I was so tired of eating the food here. This is heavenly.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji sounded delighted. It seemed he wasn’t going to tell him why he was here. Wei Wuxian decided not to question him. He filled his spoon with vegetables and meat chunks, devouring them quickly.
“Eat slower,” Lan Wangji told him. But Wei Wuxian was starving. The food they ate here was so mild and the portions so scarce that he was constantly feeling a tightness in his stomach. Soon he was scraping the bottom of the bowl. He lifted it, drinking up the rest of the contents. Lan Wangji continued to watch him, staying by his side as if to make sure he would eat all of it. He took the bowl from Wei Wuxian’s hands when he was done, leaving it to the side. A drop of the broth was sliding down Wei Wuxian’s chin, and he reached to wipe it with his robe, but Lan Wangji stopped him, blocking his hand, said, “Not with your sleeve,” and wiped his chin with his own fingers instead. They were warm and gentle, and he took his hand away quickly, placing it on his lap again. Wei Wuxian blushed and looked away. He rubbed at his nose, trying to hide it.
“Right. I should probably sleep,” Wei Wuxian said, though he had been trying to fall asleep for the past shichen to no avail. Having little to no physical activity made him restless. But Lan Wangji perturbed him and he didn’t know what to do when they weren’t fighting. Lan Wangji didn’t move.
“Can I see your ankle first?” he asked.
“You aren’t a healer.” Wei Wuxian was more confused than anything. “It’s fine, no need to look at it.” He had to have spoken these words more than a hundred times already, reassuring everyone that nothing was wrong with him.
Lan Wangji stared at his ankle, then nodded and rose to his feet, taking away the bowl. He bowed to Wei Wuxian. “Have a good night,” he said and walked to the entrance. Wei Wuxian watched him leave with an uneasy feeling in his heart. He nibbled on his bottom lip, and as Lan Wangji was halfway out of the entrance, Wei Wuxian blurted, “Lan Zhan—“
Lan Wangji glanced back giving him a questioning look. Wei Wuxian hesitated. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. “Uh, can you stay for a little longer. I can’t sleep.”
Lan Wangji came in, leaving the bowl at the table, and sat next to him again. “Is something bothering you?” he asked.
“Bothering me? Not really…” It’s actually you, Wei Wuxian thought. You’re bothering me. Something had to possess Wei Wuxian, for why would he want Lan Wangji to stay with him for longer than necessary? Wasn’t this dangerous to his own heart? He didn’t want to hear another lecture. But Lan Wangji had been so peaceable that Wei Wuxian was starting to like it. “I’m not tired yet. I really don’t like having nothing to do, Lan Zhan. I haven’t been this bored in my life!”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji took his dramatics with ease.
“And you have to entertain me,” Wei Wuxian continued, “otherwise I might just die.”
The corners of Lan Wangji’s mouth lifted a little. He said, “How should I entertain you?”
“Talk to me,” Wei Wuxian said, then continued to speak himself. He told Lan Wangji of an idea he had running in his mind all day. Lan Wangji listened, providing his own thoughts. He didn’t tell him it was wrong to think up such things; he even looked curious. Wei Wuxian tried to get up to draw out the idea of the device he’d been concocting but Lan Wangji put his hand on his shoulder. “Stay here.” He sat at the table, folding out a neat piece of paper and grind ink, then took a brush, preparing to write. Wei Wuxian told him everything and Lan Wangji wrote it down. He tried drawing a sketch with Wei Wuxian’s guidance. Lan Wangji wrote by the candlelight and Wei Wuxian lay down, letting his mouth run without stopping. He didn’t know how much time had passed but it had gotten quiet outside of his tent and he felt tired himself, covering his mouth to yawn.
“It is late,” Lan Wangji said, putting his brush down.
“But I’m having fun,” Wei Wuxian said. He didn’t think he had spoken these words in a very long time. He hadn’t felt like this in forever. He was giddy and excited, not only for this new idea but also because talking about it with Lan Wangji had been fun. Lan Wangji was incredibly intelligent; he could finish all of Wei Wuxian’s sentences and guess what Wei Wuxian was thinking even when he himself didn’t know what would come out if his mouth. “I love doing this with you, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji looked at him with a soft expression and Wei Wuxian hadn’t imagined he would ever think of Lan Wangji as soft. His mouth was parted a little, as if he was startled by Wei Wuxian’s words. Wei Wuxian wondered if he had ever held such discussions with his brother or uncle. His sect was too rigid for such unrestrained thought. It was a waste of Lan Wangji’s brilliance, Wei Wuxian thought. “Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji started. He sounded a little choked up. “You should rest.”
Wei Wuxian groaned and covered his face with his arm. “Why are you so unyielding?”
Lan Wangji was moving. Then Wei Wuxian felt his touch on his arm. His heart skipped a beat. “I will be here tomorrow,” Lan Wangji said quietly above him.
Wei Wuxian moved away his hand and stared at Lan Wangji. Suddenly, the thought of being left alone was terrifying. He wouldn’t be able to sleep at all! Wei Wuxian spoke under his breath, “Can you…stay the night?”
Lan Wangji’s hand on him tightened. This was probably a bad idea. What would Jiang Cheng think if someone told him Lan Wangji had left his tent in the early morning? What would Lan Xichen think? Wei Wuxian didn’t care much for himself, but what of Lan Wangji’s reputation? He certainly didn’t want anyone to embarrass him. Just as he was about to tell him to forget it, Lan Wangji agreed. Wei Wuxian was surprised and too speechless to say anything. In a brief moment, Lan Wangji was lying down next to him once again. There wasn’t much space for the both of them on Wei Wuxian’s bed, but somehow there was still a gap left between them. Lan Wangji settled down and lifted his hand to extinguish the candles. The sudden darkness made Wei Wuxian move closer, until he felt Lan Wangji by his side. He looked at Lan Wangji’s profile, and whispered, “You haven’t removed your ribbon. You didn’t remove it yesterday either. Do you always sleep with it?”
“No.”
“Well, why don’t you remove it?”
“No.”
“Worried I will steal it?”
Lan Wangji exhaled audibly through his nose. “I am not.”
“What’s stopping you then?”
Lan Wangji glanced at him to give him a reproachful look. “Sleep.”
Wei Wuxian huffed and turned sideways. But the position was uncomfortable on his leg, so he turned on his other side, and then rolled on his back again, and tried to put his arms someplace where his elbow wouldn’t be digging into Lan Wangji’s side.
“Stop moving,” Lan Wangji said irritably.
Wei Wuxian stopped and threw his arm over Lan Wangji’s torso, and placed his injured leg on top of Lan Wangji’s own. “Perfect,” he said, holding back a laugh. Lan Wangji took his wrist, lifted it to his face and, before Wei Wuxian could realise what was happening, bit into it. Wei Wuxian yelped and tugged back his hand. The bite was rather gentle, and Lan Wangji’s mouth was very warm, but it still startled him. “Lan Zhan! I told you not to do this! You aren’t a dog.”
“Wei Ying is not listening.” Lan Wangji sounded calm and collected and Wei Wuxian was appalled.
“Do you always bite people when they ignore you?”
“Only you.”
Wei Wuxian had no words. He held his hand protectively away from Lan Wangji, rubbing at the sore spot. “Lan Zhan, it hurts. I bet you’ve left a mark now.”
Lan Wangji turned his head and frowned. He reached out to take his hand and Wei Wuxian held it away. “Let me see,” he said.
“Nope, I don’t trust you anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Lan Wangji said, sounding genuinely apologetic.
It made Wei Wuxian feel like laughing again. He brought his hand to Lan Wangji’s face once again and said, “Kiss it better.”
Seriously, what is wrong with me.
Lan Wangji held his arm gently in both of his hands and pressed Wei Wuxian’s wrist to his mouth. It was a tender kiss that lasted only a second but Wei Wuxian felt it remain for much longer than that.
“Better?” Lan Wangji asked. His voice was light as if something was very funny about this situation.
Lan Zhan is teasing me, isn’t he?
Wei Wuxian hugged himself, mumbled a “yeah” and turned his back to Lan Wangji. He pressed the wrist Lan Wangji had kissed to his mouth, remembering the gesture, imprinting it to the back of his mind.
Lan Wangji was gone when Wei Wuxian woke up in the morning. It stung a little but he didn’t think too hard about it. He had forgotten the Lan clan had a different schedule. It had to be late morning and Wei Wuxian groaned when he got up. There was tea and breakfast on the table with a warming talisman attached to the containers. Wei Wuxian changed his bandage, applying the medicinal paste thinly. His leg seemed to be better now, the swell having gone down a bit, but it was still not fully recovered. He needed to take a bath, but he hadn’t figured out how to go about it yet. He finished his breakfast fast, then took a cane his healer had left him and walked out.
Jiang Cheng scolded him when he saw him. “Where are you going? We aren’t leaving yet. Just stay in your bed.”
“I can’t. I won’t. I need something to do.”
Jiang Cheng rubbed his hand over his face. “Help Jie if you want, she’s in the kitchen.”
Wei Wuxian found her helping the other chefs prepare their rations for the day. She greeted him warmly. “How are you, A-Xian?”
“I’m well, Shijie. Jiang Cheng kicked me out.” He pouted at her and she smiled, knowing how they were. “Let me help you with something.”
She hummed, looking around herself. It was bustling in the kitchen, and there wasn’t much space for him here either. Jiang Yanli said, “You can chop the ingredients.”
“Sure.”
Supporting himself on his healthy leg, Wei Wuxian got to the task. They didn’t have much to work with. He had to peel the root vegetables and cut them into cubes. They used the waste to feed the horses. But he got distracted watching Jiang Yanli as she cooked. She was washing rice, cleaning her hands with the water. “I missed your cooking,” he told her.
“I’ll make you something, A-Xian, as soon as I can,” she reassured him.
“Huh,” Wei Wuxian uttered with surprise, “didn’t you make me that soup yesterday?”
“Oh, no!” Jiang Yanli said, waving her hand. She covered her mouth with her fingers and whispered, “It was Hanguang-jun.”
“Ah!” Wei Wuxian cried out. “Lan Zhan made it?”
“Mhm, but don’t tell him I’ve told you. I think he meant to keep it a secret.” Then she held onto his hand. “It’s very sweet of him, A-Xian, don’t you think? I’m really glad you have made such a caring friend.”
Wei Wuxian’s head was reeling. He dropped the knife and covered his face in embarrassment. Lan Wangji couldn’t have made this meal himself. And it had tasted so good too! Gusu Lan had never heard of spice and of flavour. Where would Lan Wangji learn to make something like this?
“Shijie, did you really see Lan Wangji cook with your own eyes? He chopped everything and seasoned the soup?”
Jiang Yanli had gotten back to work. She put water to boil and turned to him with a bright smile. “He did and he was wonderful. He asked me to help him with the techniques he wasn’t familiar with.”
The mental image of Lan Wangji asking Jiang Yanli for help was too much to bear. “And the meat,” he said quietly, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. “Where would he get that from?”
“Hm,” Jian Yanli looked thoughtful for a second. “I didn’t ask but I believe he had returned from the nearest town just before he came to the kitchen. He must have bought it from there.”
“He had gone to town and bought it for me,” Wei Wuxian muttered to himself. “My heart can’t take it.”
“A-Xian.” Jiang Yanli sounded concerned. She brushed hair from his forehead, feeling it for his temperature. “Are you sure you are okay? You’re very warm.”
“I’m fine, Shijie,” Wei Wuxian said, but he sounded on the verge of hysteria. He returned to the task of chopping ingredients and the image of Lan Wangji doing the same never left his mind. It was both too easy and very difficult for him to imagine Lan Wangji doing this—making food with his dexterous hands, preparing his meal with his usual diligence, tasting it for spiciness and learning from his shijie because she knew best. Lan Wangji knew how much he loved Jiang Yanli’s cooking and he had to have remembered how much Wei Wuxian complained from the lack of meat back at the Cloud Recesses. Lan Wangji who never ate meat. Who had gone to buy it at the risk of getting caught. Wei Wuxian wanted to thank him but also to scold him for risking his life like that. In fact, Wei Wuxian couldn’t wait to do these things. He said, “Shijie, I’ll be back,” and left quickly with Jiang Yanli wishing him luck.
It hadn’t been a great idea for him to walk about the camp with a cane. Everyone had started whispering the moment they saw him, and now it would be known that Wei Wuxian was injured. But maybe it would be to their advantage if the enemy put down their guard a little. Wei Wuxian didn’t give it much thought for he needed to find Lan Wangji as soon as possible. When he saw a disciple with white robes he caught onto them, startling them. It was a young girl. Her eyes widened in horror when she saw him. “Where’s Hanguang-jun?” he asked frantically.
She looked left and right helplessly, then pointed at a tent somewhere in the middle of the camp. “Over there, preparing for the departure.”
“Thank you,” he said, already walking in the direction she had pointed. When he entered the Lan’s encampment area, he was met with many suspicious looks. He wondered whether it was because of his public fights with Lan Wangji or if they were genuinely afraid of him, or rather, revolted. There were a lot of disciples, mingling about, carrying things and disassembling the tents. In the middle of a group of disciples he spotted Lan Wangji, seemingly giving orders to the younger disciples. His back was straight and he was taller than all of them; he looked put-together and commanded everyone’s attention. Wei Wuxian, having lost the ability to think straight, shouted at the top of his lungs, “Lan Zhan!”
Everyone turned to look at him. Lan Wangji’s expression was comical and Wei Wuxian chuckled. He had startled the other greatly, it seemed. Wei Wuxian waved and walked as fast as he could with the cane towards Lan Wangji. The disciples parted to make way for him, and Lan Wangji stood frozen in the middle of it. When Wei Wuxian reached him Lan Wangji said his name quietly and his eyes widened when Wei Wuxian threw himself at him. Wei Wuxian wrapped his hands around his shoulders, bringing Lan Wangji closer to himself and embracing him tightly. He let the cane drop and leaned his weight onto Lan Wangji. There were gasps around them but Wei Wuxian paid them no attention. He buried his face in Lan Wangji’s shoulder and whispered so that only Lan Wangji could hear him, “Lan Zhan, I didn’t know you had made that soup for me. And I didn’t show you how grateful I was.”
Wei Wuxian pressed himself as close as possible to the other until he could only feel and see and hear Lan Wangji. He took fistfuls of Lan Wangji’s robe, probably wrinkling it, leaving tiny marks of his excitement behind. “You’re too good to me,” he murmured. Lan Wangji exhaled shakily. Then his arms closed around Wei Wuxian and he pressed the side of his face into Wei Wuxian’s head. Wei Wuxian smiled. Had he ever hugged Lan Wangji like this before? It had never been like this. But it felt so nice. Wei Wuxian didn’t think he would ever go back to how they were before. He would demand that Lan Wangji hugged him every morning and every night if he could, and perhaps at every other possible moment in between.
They parted reluctantly at the clearing of a voice but Wei Wuxian’s gaze didn’t move from Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji glared at the disciples who had surrounded them and they dispersed quickly. Then he looked at Wei Wuxian, and it was clear how his expression softened, how he seemed almost happy. Wei Wuxian melted at the sight of it. But then he remembered that someone was there, and let Lan Wangji go. It was Zewu-jun, with his hands behind his back. He smiled a little and they greeted one another.
“Wangji, I’m sorry to interrupt you,” he said, “I want to know how the preparations are going.”
Lan Wangji started listing what remained of their tasks. He was clear and to the point. Wei Wuxian picked his cane from the ground and tried to excuse himself from their business, but Lan Xichen told him, “Young master Wei, care to join me for tea?”
Wei Wuxian had nothing better to do, though he hadn’t talked with Lan Xichen at length. Their interactions had always been brief and he didn’t know what Lan Xichen really thought about him. He agreed and left Lan Wangji with an apologetic smile. Lan Wangji though was looking at his brother with suspicion. It was an adorable expression that made him want to squeeze Lan Wangji’s cheeks. Their relationship seemed to be much different to what he had with Jiang Cheng.
Lan Xichen led him to his tent. There was little furniture inside it, and it had probably been taken away already. Lan Xichen asked him to sit while he steeped their tea. “Herbal,” he said with an apologetic tone. “It’s the only kind we have.”
“I don’t mind,” Wei Wuxian said. He fiddled with the hem of his robes while he waited for Lan Xichen. Jiang Cheng had given him new ones, bearing the Yunmeng Jiang crest. They were thick and of good quality and he felt as if he shouldn’t be wearing them. When Lan Xichen joined him at the table, Wei Wuxian asked, “Did Zewu-jun want to speak about something in particular?” He poured Lan Xichen and himself some of the fragrant liquid and set down the pot.
“I see you have injured yourself,” Lan Xichen said.
“It’s not serious,” Wei Wuxian said, sounding tired. “I will be fine sooner or later.”
“I wish you speedy recovery.” Lan Xichen sipped his tea slowly. Wei Wuxian didn’t know what to say to him. He occupied himself with lifting his cup and drinking the tea, putting all of his focus into the task and letting the time pass. “You and Wangji seem to be on better terms.”
Is this why he brought me here? Wei Wuxian nodded. “We haven’t been on bad terms before.”
Lan Xichen inclined his head a little as if to say he disagreed. “You have been confrontational, young master Wei. Perhaps the problem you have both had is resolved.”
“Surely you don’t care, Zewu-jun.”
“My brother’s wellbeing is important to me.”
Wei Wuxian wondered if Jiang Cheng would have also done this for him, but it was unlikely; he wouldn’t want to speak with Lan Wangji at all. “I understand, Zewu-jun. So long as Lan Zhan isn’t denouncing me because of my cultivation, I think we will be fine.”
Silence fell upon them as they finished their drinks. The Lan’s herbal tea seemed to contain something sedative for Wei Wuxian was feeling tired all of a sudden. Lan Xichen offered him a refill and he refused.
“I believe Wangji is merely concerned about you,” Lan Xichen said, picking up the conversation again.
Wei Wuxian held back a sigh. “That’s what he said too,” he muttered to himself. He wanted to tell Lan Xichen that it wasn’t any of their business but he was sure the sect leader wouldn’t appreciate being dismissed like that. “I don’t think there is any cause for concern; please excuse my rudeness, Zewu-jun, but I know what I’m doing. Moreover, my cultivation has proven beneficial to the war effort.” This isn’t much better, Wei Wuxian thought, but he was tired of having to defend himself. It was always the same people who disliked him too—Jiang Cheng had no problem with it, and the Nie were more than happy when his sole efforts killed hundreds, and the Jin couldn’t do else but envy him.
Lan Xichen stared at a spot on the table and traced the rim of his cup, probably lost in thought. Wei Wuxian shifted in place, wanting to leave. Sitting in such way for so long was starting to take its toll on his leg. Lan Xichen’s eyes flicked to him and he said, “You must be uncomfortable, Wei Wuxian. I apologise for taking you away from your rest.”
Wei Wuxian bowed in acknowledgment. “I don’t mind, Zewu-jun. We haven’t conversed before, have we? If Zewu-jun is done, please excuse this one.”
“Mn, you can go,” he said and handed him the cane as Wei Wuxian rose with a grunt. Lan Xichen escorted him to the entrance. They were greeted by Lan Wangji, who had come to check on them, or as he said, “To inform Xiongzhang of the proceedings.” Wei Wuxian smiled at him, but it had probably looked strained, for Lan Wangji’s brows furrowed slightly and he gave Lan Xichen a questioning glance.
“Thank you, Wangji,” Lan Xichen said. “Young master Wei will be leaving so you can come in.”
Lan Wangji nodded. Wei Wuxian went a few steps ahead but Lan Wangji’s voice stopped him. “Wei Ying.”
“Hm?”
Lan Wangji looked hopeful. “Should I visit you later?”
A thrill flared inside him and he tried to stop it. “Sure,” he said and walked away quickly.
He wasn’t sure when later would be. They were ready to go as dusk was falling and left at night, moving in the dark. It was a cold night which helped him not to fall asleep standing, but he hated this weather. Without his golden core it was much harder to keep warm. He shivered and hugged himself to bring some heat to his body. He wished he had Lan Wangji here to hug him. He tried talking with Jiang Cheng just to entertain themselves, but Jiang Cheng grew more irritable as tiredness overcame him and he would tell him to shut up every time. By late morning they had arrived, moving slowly with all their baggage, and started settling down again.
Wei Wuxian hoped that soon the war would all be over. He wanted to exert himself and put an end to it. He was sure Jiang Cheng felt this way too. The vigor had returned to him when they arrived and he was giving out orders left and right. Wei Wuxian decided to give himself one more day of rest and then he would be back to fighting, no matter the state of his leg. A cultivator’s body would have already healed itself. He had no excuses to make.
He hid away in his tent throughout the day and hunched over the scrolls Lan Wangji had inscribed for him. His penmanship was beautiful to look at and Wei Wuxian appreciated the clarity of his writing—if he had written this he would be lost. He tended to jump from one thought to another as he wrote everything down and thus his sentences didn’t have an end to them. But Lan Wangji had understood everything he had said and had written it succinctly, without neglecting a single one of his thoughts. Wei Wuxian was starting to imagine a reality where Lan Wangji would always be working alongside him, helping him materialise his thoughts and ideas. If only he wasn’t so set in his ways.
It would be nice though, if Lan Wangji could be his partner. If he understood him and they fought together instead of clashing over their beliefs. They could night-hunt together and cultivate together—
Wei Wuxian halted, his insides turning. He had forgotten that he couldn’t cultivate anymore. The idea of Lan Wangji as his cultivation partner was suddenly unsound, dangerous even. He shouldn’t be having such thoughts. Lan Wangji couldn’t accept him as he was, so it would be impossible for them to even night-hunt together. Wei Wuxian shook his head and concentrated on the task at hand.
By the time night fell, he had made a small prototype—a plate with a metal pointer, inscribed with characters. It was a kind of compass but he wasn’t satisfied with this design yet, and he should also test it somehow.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji’s voice sounded distantly from outside the tent. Wei Wuxian beamed and told him to come in. He showed the prototype to Lan Wangji excitedly.
“Pretty, isn’t it. But it needs more work.”
“Mn, it is.” Lan Wangji was looking at him with that soft expression again, like Wei Wuxian was all Lan Wangji cared about. Perhaps he should tell him to stop. His throat was dry and he pointed at the plate that Lan Wangji was carrying.
“Did you cook for me again?”
Lan Wangji looked down with a bashful expression and gave a short nod. He had no right looking like that. Wei Wuxian shook his head in disbelief. Lan Wangji placed the meal in front of him and started clearing the table, gathering his papers in one place and placing the prototype a safe distance away. Wei Wuxian observed his dinner with interest. Rice, vegetables and meat, covered in thick sauce. “Why didn’t you bring some for yourself too?” he asked.
“It is for you,” Lan Wangji replied.
“Lan Zhan, eat with me next time. It’s disturbing when you’re just watching me.” Then Wei Wuxian poked the contents with his chopsticks and exclaimed in wonder, “Is that fish?”
“Mn.”
“Lan Zhan! Where’d you get it from? Did you travel again?” Wei Wuxian asked, observing him. Lan Wangji wasn’t looking at him and he seemed embarrassed. “Please don’t risk your life for this,” Wei Wuxian told him, hoping he didn’t sound ungrateful. “I can eat vegetables without meat, I swear.” He held up three fingers as a promise, though he wasn’t quite convinced in his own words.
Lan Wangji glanced at him and quickly looked away. “I didn’t buy it.”
Strange, Wei Wuxian thought and leaned his elbow on the table, propping his chin in the palm of his hand. “Hmm, don’t tell me you—you caught it?”
Lan Wangji’s ears were bright red. He pursed his lips. Wei Wuxian breathed out a laugh. He reached out and scratched Lan Wangji under his chin; his fingers brushed his skin teasingly and he murmured, “Cute.” Lan Wangji’s eyes widened. He looked so offended that Wei Wuxian couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him. He took his hand away when Lan Wangji tried catching it. “Nuh-uh, no more biting.”
The look on Lan Wangji’s face made Wei Wuxian imagine he would be crossing his hands and pouting like an angry child if only he didn’t have so much dignity. It reminded him greatly of fifteen-year-old Lan Wangji—the shy, easily offended boy that Wei Wuxian loved to tease so much. Lan Wangji hadn’t changed much after all. Wei Wuxian smiled softly and started eating. The first bite made him moan in pleasure and he wasn’t ashamed at all. “Lan Zhan, if you were a cutsleeve I would have married you,” he said offhandedly.
“Ridiculous,” Lan Wangji replied immediately with a huff.
The taste of this dish was definitely reminiscent of Yunmeng’s steamed fish with its tenderness and balance of flavours. Jiang Yanli had surely helped him with this one as well. Wei Wuxian savoured it, and for a moment he felt as if he was back at Lotus Pier, sitting with his shidi, a warm breeze blowing over them, their legs half-submerged in the cold water. His eyes stung again and he cursed in his mind. He hated that every time he thought of Yunmeng it hurt.
“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan asked with concern. Wei Wuxian blinked rapidly, and focused on his breathing, pushing down the emotions trying to escape. He smiled at Lan Wangji lopsidedly.
“It’s really good, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji observed him for a moment and nodded in assent. Wei Wuxian ate slowly, humming with joy at the taste. “I didn’t know you were so skilled, Lan Zhan,” he said. It was wondrous; he could have never imagined a spoilt young master like Lan Wangji could cook. He didn’t think any of the other sons of sect leaders possessed that skill.
“No talking while eating,” Lan Wangji said, but it was without bite. “I will make us tea.” He got up, taking two cups and prepared water for the tea. When Wei Wuxian finished his meal he made a delighted noise and lay sideways onto the floor.
“If you continue pampering me, Lan Zhan, I don’t know what I will do when this is over. Jiang Cheng won’t stand me like this.”
Lan Wangji settled across from him and poured him tea. He didn’t comment. Wei Wuxian didn’t really want him to stop his treatment either. He was getting spoilt, wasn’t he?
“How is your leg?” Lan Wangji asked.
“Oh.” Wei Wuxian had forgotten about it. It was why he was here and not on the battlefield; why Lan Wangji was doing all of this. “Healing,” he said, “I can get back to work tomorrow.”
Lan Wangji looked at him with scepticism but didn’t inquire further.
“Anyway,” Wei Wuxian said, “let me tell you about the compass.” He showed off the device, explaining each detail. Lan Wangji seemed interested, awed even, and it made Wei Wuxian proud. They discussed it for a long time and Lan Wangji even helped him to write possible incantations. They huddled together over the prototype and Lan Wangji was writing by his side. Wei Wuxian leaned into him and told himself it was because he was cold. When he placed his hand over Lan Wangji’s own gently, it was because he needed Lan Wangji to focus on him when he was explaining what they needed to do next. It was easy to keep his hand there and Lan Wangji didn’t move his own either. When Wei Wuxian noticed how the tips of his ears were still red, he pinched Lan Wangji’s ear, feeling how hot it was. He laughed at Lan Wangji’s quiet offence. His belly hurt with how much he had been laughing tonight. He hadn’t laughed like this in the last few months, if not the last year even, and he missed it. It made his head dizzy as if he was drunk, indulging in a fine glass of liquor.
Then it was time for bed and Wei Wuxian lingered by Lan Wangji’s side. “Do you want to sleep with me again tonight?” he asked quietly. The words sounded much more obscene than what Wei Wuxian meant. He bit his lip and looked away.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji held out his hand and Wei Wuxian accepted it. He held onto the other tightly and they lay down in bed. Wei Wuxian snuggled into Lan Wangji’s side.
“I haven’t had a drink in so long, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said, breaking their silence. “I’ve forgotten the taste of it.” He was exaggerating, of course, but he missed the burn of alcohol down his throat. And it hadn’t been that long—perhaps several weeks. He had consumed all of the wine they had in supply and Jiang Cheng had been very angered. So he told him he would have to wait until someone had to go out to town. Lan Wangji made a quiet noise, as if urging him to go on. “Oh,” Wei Wuxian said, “but don’t go searching for wine for me, please. I will start feeling shame.”
Lan Wangji huffed, as if laughing. Wei Wuxian continued, “I’d prefer it if you joined me for a drink; some day after the war ends. If you come in the summer you can see the lotuses blooming.”
Lan Wangji agreed easily. Wei Wuxian was taken aback. He had said it knowing that he would be rejected. “Really, Lan Zhan?”
“I would be glad to,” Lan Wangji replied.
“But you-you have never accepted my invitations before.” What was so different now?
Lan Wangji was quiet for a long time. Wei Wuxian waited with bated breath. He couldn’t wait any longer and urged, “Well?”
“I am…trying,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian frowned. “What do you mean?”
“My actions will speak for me.” Lan Wangji paused. “I will not reject you.”
Wei Wuxian gulped and wondered aloud, “Except for when it concerns my cultivation, right?”
“Demonic cultivation is not your natural path,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian sat up, regretting that he had brought up the topic. “It will be. I won’t go back, Lan Zhan.”
“I understand…” Lan Wangji struggled to continue. Wei Wuxian waited, though he thought he should put an end to the conversation before they started fighting again. “You have made this choice in dire need; you do not have to continue.”
Wei Wuxian ran a hand over his face in exasperation. He wished that everyone stopped questioning him. “You don’t understand. Why is it only you rebuking me? Won’t you ever accept me?”
Wei Wuxian felt strange; he was more pained than angry. He was tired. He didn’t care much about other people’s opinion of him but he seemed to care too much about what Lan Wangji thought.
“Help me understand,” Lan Wangji said.
“No,” Wei Wuxian said. The sadness in his voice was palpable. He couldn’t tell Lan Wangji he didn’t have a choice. And why did he have to explain himself? He wished Lan Wangji didn’t reject this part of him. And that stung because he would never do. “Lan Zhan, can you leave? I-I can’t do this right now.” Wei Wuxian’s voice broke.
Lan Wangji stood up and Wei Wuxian didn’t look at him. “I am sorry,” Lan Wangji said. He hesitated, perhaps wanting to say something else. Then he left. A cold gust of wind entered the tent. Wei Wuxian lay back down with a groan. He had imagined they would have another nice night together. “This is dumb,” he muttered. He turned in bed for a long time; he hardly slept that night.
Jiang Cheng was sending him off to an ambush. “Hanguang-jun will be with you,” he said, looking exasperated.
“Why?” Wei Wuxian didn’t really want to be around him right now.
“Zewu-jun sent him.” Jiang Cheng shrugged. “Don’t get hurt again. I can’t bear watching you wear white. And take your sword for fuck’s sake!”
“Sure,” Wei Wuxian said. But he conveniently forgot it when he left for the allocated meeting place. Lan Wangji was already there. It was just the two of them as it was a small encampment and they were supposed to gather information. Wei Wuxian could have dealt with it on his own but he gathered that Jiang Cheng was probably worried after the last time.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji greeted him.
“Hanguang-jun.” Wei Wuxian nodded. Lan Wangji frowned at the address. Wei Wuxian was being petty; Lan Wangji had been nice—wonderful even—over the last few days. He didn’t deserve this treatment. Wei Wuxian scolded himself; he needed to get it together. As he walked, Lan Wangji followed behind him like a lost puppy. Wei Wuxian glanced at him. Even his gaze was pinned to the ground, as if he had been severely scolded. Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes, feeling a little remorseful.
“You have a plan?” Wei Wuxian asked and slowed down to walk alongside Lan Wangji.
“Investigate first,” he said. “Attack later.”
“All right.”
They walked for a while in silence. Wei Wuxian didn’t feel like talking. Before a battle he always felt a certain nervousness. He wasn’t worried about the fight itself; but the gathering of resentful energy took much of his energy and concentration. He felt the spirits around him becoming restless and he needed to calm his mind.
“Are you upset with me?” Lan Wangji asked suddenly, breaking his focus.
“No,” Wei Wuxian said. He didn’t need to take out his feelings on Lan Wangji. He couldn’t expect him to disregard his beliefs; the ones he had grown up with. Wei Wuxian knew this and yet he was hurt about it. He couldn’t help it. He felt that Lan Wangji was someone who knew his heart, but couldn’t agree with it. He hadn’t had someone like this before, who could meet him in every way, whether it was at skill, or mind, or interests, and even values and sense of justice. Lan Wangji valued his clan, his family, and Wei Wuxian did too. When he thought about it like this, it was easier to accept Lan Wangji’s disapproval.
“Then why won’t you talk to me?” Lan Wangji asked. His voice was quiet and it was unusual. He sounded small, as if he would break if Wei Wuxian was harsh with him. Wei Wuxian disliked seeing him like this.
“I need, uh, to conserve energy.” How could he explain that he didn’t want to make a fool of himself again, that he didn’t want another fight and that it was hard to get so attached to Lan Wangji when he knew it would only hurt. “Resentful energy is volatile. I need to be calm.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji didn’t speak again. He abstained from commenting anything on the volatility of resentful energy. Wei Wuxian was thankful. He knew Lan Wangji would ask how Wei Wuxian could be so sure he would never lose control of himself. It’s something they had already discussed. Wei Wuxian needed to be sure. He didn’t need anyone to sow doubt in him.
Near the Wen encampment it smelt of fire. They arrived there before nightfall. He didn’t know what they were burning but it was nauseating. They hid and listened. Wei Wuxian could already feel the spirits wanting to come out, could sense their desire for revenge. He liked to soothe them with his music but now he would use their anger.
“Strange,” Lan Wangji said.
“Hm?”
“It’s quiet.”
Wei Wuxian hadn’t noticed. There was a lot of noise in his mind. And the heavy stench of smoke was making him feel out of it. It wasn’t great; since the Burial Mounds, fire had started to have that effect on him. The air there had been thick with resentful energy, and when fire had started out of nothing, the smoke that rose suffocated him. He wondered if Lan Wangji felt the same way, given the burning of his home.
“Let’s go further,” Wei Wuxian said. He approached carefully. He felt uneasy. Lan Wangji was on his heels.
“Wei Ying, we should go back.”
“Why? We are here already.”
“The encampment is larger than expected.”
“You’re right,” Wei Wuxian said, looking around. It was much, much larger. “You don’t think we can take on them by ourselves?”
“Don’t joke.”
Wei Wuxian felt the bloodlust of the dead deep within himself, mingling with his own; he couldn’t just stop. “I’m going.” He grabbed Chenqing.
“Wei Ying—“
The sound of an explosion momentarily made his ears ring and his knees buckle. There was a cloud of smoke around them. He couldn’t see Lan Wangji. He turned to look for him. A Wen soldier appeared before him and lunged with his sword. Wei Wuxian dodged him. He rose and dodged another. Wen clansmen had surrounded them. They knew we were coming.
The notes of Chenqing rung out harshly. His command reached the spirits. The soldiers started falling one after another, dying at their hands, then rose again, pale and bloodied. Wei Wuxian looked around himself frantically. Any sight of white made his heart stutter. He wanted to shout Lan Wangji’s name but he couldn’t.
It wasn’t ideal for him to meet the enemy from such short distance. He preferred it if he were somewhere with a better vantage point. But he had to deal with it. The terrain was also difficult to move in. There were too many places where his foot could catch on something; too easy for him to slip. The fog combined with the darkness completely stripped his visibility until he was approached too closely. He hoped Lan Wangji wouldn’t be attacked by one of his corpses.
There were too many soldiers. They jumped out at him from every direction. His back was unsafe and Wei Wuxian tried to move closer to a wall, but it seemed they were out in the open. They cried out when they saw him, their faces twisted in agony. He couldn’t tell if they were alive or dead. Wei Wuxian only needed an army of corpses that could equal the Wen army. Suddenly, Wei Wuxian caught sight of Bichen. The blade shimmered with such beauty. His heart eased and he concentrated on the fight.
It took too long. It seemed there was no end to the amount of people fighting. His lungs burned and his eyes were tired and his arms were trembling from how long he kept them upright. He wondered why there were so many soldiers. Things had clicked into his mind. Perhaps they had known he was injured, had found out somehow, and had been ready and on alert. They probably thought he would be weakened and didn’t know how bad his injury was.
The fog had cleared and now it was corpses and people becoming one and he wasn’t sure where Lan Wangji was. The scent of blood was heavy in the air. His music was a screech amongst the yells of soldiers and growls of corpses. It was a sound he didn’t quite like. He much preferred Lan Wangji’s music—the gentle hum of the guqin. He had to ask Lan Wangji to play with him one day.
Wei Wuxian stepped away from a soldier’s blade. It seemed to be a good quality sword, emitting an otherworldly glow that was as intense as Bichen’s was, and its glare suddenly blinded him. Wei Wuxian stepped on his healing leg. He had lied; it wasn’t fine. The pain that shot through it made him dizzy. The music ceased with a discordant note. He returned to himself quickly. He had only gotten distracted for the briefest moment, but he felt something slash at his side, cutting through his skin. The blood that welled was warm as it trickled down his body. The Wen soldier that had cut him looked satisfied, then his body was buried under a swarm of Wei Wuxian’s corpses. Wei Wuxian didn’t stop fighting. Perhaps they were nearing the end of it.
The wound stung incessantly. It made his whole body feel too weak to stand. He started trembling and his music wavered. He was getting injured too much lately and it angered him. From afar he saw Lan Wangji, looking at him with horror. Perhaps he had seen what happened earlier, or perhaps Wei Wuxian looked really bad. He was approaching, felling one man after another with quick stabs and heavy slashes. The Lan’s fighting style was a sight to behold. Wei Wuxian admired it for a moment, the way Lan Wangji moved with elegance, his hidden strength bursting forth. He hadn’t realised he had stopped playing, and there were black spots clouding his vision.
When Wei Wuxian woke he was lying on the cold ground, the grass damp underneath him. He tasted something metallic in his mouth. There was an incessant buzz above him, someone saying his name.
“Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying—“
“Lan…Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said, letting out an anguished groan.
“Stay awake,” Lan Wangji said. He was wrapping something around his torso. Wei Wuxian tried to see him in the dark. The moon was giving out its rays, lighting the forest in pale blue. It looked magnetic. The expression on Lan Wangji’s face saddened him. If the circumstances were different, it would be quite romantic to walk with him under the moonlight. There were drops of sweat on Lan Wangji’s forehead and blood splattered on his robes.
“What—“ Wei Wuxian choked. The pain on his side was excruciating. What was happening? He couldn’t remember much. Why were they here?
“You’re injured. We must return to camp,” Lan Wangji said briskly.
He was injured. His body hurt a lot, so he believed Lan Wangji. He had been fighting, but now it was quiet, and they seemed to be somewhere isolated. Lan Wangji had probably brought them here. His wound surely wasn’t so bad. Wei Wuxian tried to get up. Lan Wangji supported him, holding him by the shoulders. Wei Wuxian looked at it; his abdomen was covered in bandages. It was as if he was back on that hill with Wen Ning and Wen Qing by his side. Lan Wangji’s hands were still covered in his blood.
“I will carry you,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian stopped him. He shouldn’t have gotten injured at all. Jiang Cheng would kill him. And he would see the old wounds on his body. “No,” he said suddenly.
“Wei Ying, please.” Lan Wangji had embraced him and was trying to lift him. Wei Wuxian pushed him away.
“Lan Zhan, I’m not returning.” What am I going to do now why is this happening I should have been more careful Jiang Cheng can’t see me like this they can’t find out I need to hide hide hide. “I’m not.” Wei Wuxian pushed himself up, startling Lan Wangji. He made a few wobbling steps and lurched. Lan Wangji caught him.
“Wei Ying! You need a healer. Don’t be ridiculous.” Lan Wangji sounded angry. Was he angry at him?
“Take me to Gusu!” Wei Wuxian suddenly shouted. “Gusu has some healers left, right? Lan Zhan, take me there. Anywhere else but the camp.” If Jiang Cheng found out, he would—
Lan Wangji seemed stunned. After a moment he said, “Gusu is far.”
“Please, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian shook him. He held onto him as his legs quivered.
“Fine,” Lan Wangji said. “We will fly.”
Wei Wuxian embraced him lightly and he whispered, “Thanks.”
Lan Wangji shook his head. He climbed on Bichen and cradled Wei Wuxian in his arms. Wei Wuxian hid his face into Lan Wangji’s robes. “We will be there soon,” Lan Wangji said with reassurance, perhaps remembering how worried flying made him.
Wei Wuxian nodded. Lan Wangji seemed to fly as fast as he could. “We are approaching,” he told him at some point. Wei Wuxian squeezed his arms in assent. He wanted to ask Lan Wangji to brush his hair again but he couldn’t find the strength to do so. He felt lightheaded with the way he was standing up and it was only Lan Wangji’s arms that kept him upright.
Finally, Lan Wangji started to descend. Wei Wuxian blinked lazily at the scenery below. The Cloud Recesses were enveloped in a fog and the glowing lanterns were faintly visible like little stars. Lan Wangji stopped before the gate and Wei Wuxian was suddenly overcome with a flashback.
He hadn’t come here ever since the Gusu Lan lectures. It seemed like decades had passed since then. It had been an innocent summer and Wei Wuxian wished he could return back to it. It had been cut short; but he wished he could have stayed longer. Back then, he hadn’t felt the same way about it; the lectures had been boring and he wasn’t allowed to look at the more interesting stuff at the library. He had only been glad that he wouldn’t have to listen to Lan Qiren again. But if he had stayed he could have gotten to know Lan Wangji better. He wondered if they would have become friends after all.
Now the gates didn’t look as Wei Wuxian remembered them. They were still in ruins. He wondered why they hadn’t fixed it yet; after all, it was the foremost thing every visitor would see, and GusuLan was known for being immaculate. He hated the Wen Clan for ruining something so beautiful.
“We are rebuilding slowly,” Lan Wangji said. Had Wei Wuxian spoken aloud? Lan Wangji helped him walk, throwing Wei Wuxian’s arm over his shoulder and holding his waist gingerly. Lan Wangji took him through the grounds; there was rubble and the buildings were half-done. Lan Wangji took him to a part of the Cloud Recesses he didn’t remember.
“The infirmary,” Lan Wangji said.
There were just two beds inside. Lan Wangji lay him gently on one and said, “I will be back.” Then he rushed out.
With no one to keep him awake, Wei Wuxian dozed off. He was woken by the voice of an older woman. She was asking him simple questions and unwrapping his wound, and Lan Wangji was sitting close to them and observed. The woman—a Lan healer, he assumed—repeated her question and Wei Wuxian answered. She spoke to Lan Wangji and he walked to a cupboard and took out something, then handed it to her. Wei Wuxian hissed suddenly and jerked but the healer held him down. Lan Wangji took his hand and kneeled by his side. “Wei Ying, look at me.”
Wei Wuxian did. It was bright in the infirmary and he could see him better. His eyes were red and shiny, as if he had cried but he couldn’t have. Perhaps he was really tired. His face was pale too. Wei Wuxian wanted to cup his cheek but he couldn’t bring himself to.
“After the war ends,” Lan Wangji said quietly, “where do you want to take me?”
Wei Wuxian frowned, unsure what Lan Wangji was asking.
“You said you want to invite me for a drink.”
Wei Wuxian remembered that conversation vaguely. Hadn’t they fought then? “Yunmeng,” he said.
“Mn. I will come.”
“You said so before.”
“I want you to remember.”
Wei Wuxian wondered what it would be like if Lan Wangji visited Yunmeng with him and if they went to Lotus Pier together. He would get them a boat and take him through the lakes filled with blooming lotuses. They would eat lotus seeds and swim in the cool water. Perhaps Lan Wangji’s pale skin would take on some colour under the burning gaze of the sun. Wei Wuxian couldn’t imagine him with a tan but he would probably look mesmerising with it. “Emperor’s Smile, though, is much better than anything else I’ve drank,” Wei Wuxian said. “Oh, Lan Zhan, I’d kill to have a cup of it again. Even just a cup.”
“You will have it,” Lan Wangji said.
“Please, don’t say such things. I might believe you.”
“I do not say things lightly.”
“Lan Zhan, you’re wonderful. Do you know how good you are? I wish we were friends.”
Lan Wangji squeezed his hand. “We are.”
Wei Wuxian chuckled. “Are we? I thought you hated me.”
“I do not.”
“And what if I annoy you?”
“I can take it.”
“Really? You’re not the same Lan Wangji I know.”
“Nonsense.”
Wei Wuxian sighed. He was going to continue blabbering deliriously but then the Lan healer spoke, “We are done.” She asked him how he feels and told him a ton of other things that Wei Wuxian couldn’t remember. Lan Wangji was there to listen for him anyway. He talked for him as well. Wei Wuxian listened to the sound of his voice.
“You are great, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian spoke aloud. “Wonderful.”
Lan Wangji gave him his soft look that Wei Wuxian had started to adore. The healer said, “Hanguang-jun, may I talk to you somewhere else?”
Lan Wangji nodded, squeezing Wei Wuxian’s hand again and Wei Wuxian let him go reluctantly. Left alone, he had nothing to do. He looked at his new bandages, crisp white except they would start soaking up his blood soon. He wasn’t sure how deep the cut had been. He couldn’t believe he had let himself get injured again. He was feeling as if he wasn’t inside his own body; he was floating above it or perhaps he was travelling across the Cloud Recesses. His eyelids grew heavy and he struggled to keep awake. He wished to see Lan Wangji again and to hold his hand but they didn’t return for some time and Wei Wuxian fell asleep.
Lan Wangji was still there when morning came. There were purplish dark spots under his eyes and Wei Wuxian assumed he hadn’t slept. There was a tray with food by his bedside but Wei Wuxian didn’t really have an appetite.
“Food will restore your energy,” Lan Wangji said. He helped Wei Wuxian sit up and placed a pillow behind his back to support him. Then he held a bowl of rice porridge in his lap. Taking a spoonful of porridge, he held it up to Wei Wuxian’s lips. Wei Wuxian hesitated. He hadn’t imagine that one day Lan Wangji would be feeding him like this. Wei Wuxian took the spoonful into his mouth. The bland taste wasn’t so bad for at least it didn’t make him nauseous.
“Fine,” he said and took the bowl from Lan Wangji. The food made him feel a little better. At least he had some mental clarity, thought that meant the reality of his situation came crashing down on his head.
He didn’t know what he would do now that he had this wound. What would he tell Jiang Cheng? How would he fight? Oh, he could fight, but would they let him? Wei Wuxian reprimanded himself for he had sought to avoid situations like this and he had still ended up suffering from it. It was just his bad luck; it was as if it had chased him down after he had gotten to enjoy some good things for once.
Lan Wangji took away his empty dish when he finished and placed a cup of tea in his hands. “Drink,” he said.
Wei Wuxian sipped the liquid obediently. It was pungent and unpleasant and he made a face, but he needed to heal as soon as possible, so he would do anything. Finally, he asked, “How bad is it, Lan Zhan?”
“Your wound is not too deep, but you have bled profusely.”
Wei Wuxian made a little noise. “Then I will be as good as new soon.”
Lan Wangji gave him a disapproving look. “It is stitched. You must not make unnecessary movements.”
“It will heal in a few days and then I’m going back.”
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji started, “why do you always put yourself at risk?”
“It’s a war, Lan Zhan. Do you expect me to sit here while my brothers are fighting?”
“No.” Lan Wangji paused, looking exhausted from the conversation. “I know you do not like being at the Cloud Recesses. But even if you had remained at the camp, Jiang Wanyin would want you to take a break.”
“I—yes, but he would also make me work after a few days.”
Lan Wangji looked away. “You are under my care now,” he said, and there was a note of petulance in his voice. As if he was comparing himself to Jiang Cheng. Wei Wuxian didn’t want him to ever do that. “I have send note to my brother. He will inform Jiang Wanyin.”
Wei Wuxian nodded. “Thanks for taking care of it.”
“It is nothing.”
Wei Wuxian gave a little moan of despair. “Lan Zhan, what am I going to do now that I have to stay even longer in bed? I really can’t take any more boredom and inactivity.”
“I will keep you company.”
Wei Wuxian chuckled. “You’ve never been able to stand me for long periods of time. What are you going to do?”
“It will take effort.”
Wei Wuxian laughed. It hurt and his voice hitched. “Ow!”
“Careful,” Lan Wangji said.
“Don’t make me laugh, Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian continued moaning in pain. He wasn’t really hurting all that much but Lan Wangji seemed to genuinely think he was. He held his hand when Wei Wuxian complained and rubbed soothing circles into his palm, putting slight pressure into it. Wei Wuxian enjoyed the touch. Lan Wangji’s fingers were smooth, as if holding a sword all the time never made his skin rough. Lan Wangji paused his caress and let him go. Wei Wuxian clenched his hand at the sudden coldness.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said, “would you like to stay at the Jingshi?”
“Jingshi?”
“My residence.”
Wei Wuxian grinned. “You’re asking me to stay somewhere quiet. Is this a threat?”
The corner of Lan Wangji’s mouth lifted. It was a tiny expression that wouldn’t have been noticeable to Wei Wuxian before, but it seemed he was starting to read Lan Wangji better. “No,” Lan Wangji said. “I want you to have a more pleasant accommodation.”
Wei Wuxian smiled to him in turn. “Sure, Lan Zhan. I’d love to see your private residence.”
“There is nothing worth seeing,” Lan Wangji said, perhaps sensing his desire for mischief. “But you are welcome there.”
“Hmm, I bet you’re hiding something.” Lan Wangji shook his head. Wei Wuxian scratched his chin. “When are we going?” he asked.
“Whenever you want to.”
“We can go. There’s nothing better to do.”
Wei Wuxian thought he would walk there. But Lan Wangji had placed one arm under his thighs and the other behind his back and lifted him up before Wei Wuxian realised what was happening.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian protested.
“Mn.”
“Is this how you plan to take me there? What’ll people say?”
“Irrelevant.”
“They will think we’re married!”
“None of their concern.”
Lan Wangji had never taken his teasing so easily. By now, he would have been dropped to the ground and left to his own devices. Lan Wangji wasn’t even embarrassed about it. “You surprise me, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji didn’t comment. He walked through the Cloud Recesses grounds leisurely, unbothered by Wei Wuxian’s weight or the fact that there were people looking at them. “Heavens, your uncle will Qi deviate if he saw us.”
Lan Wangji huffed. “Uncle knows you are here.”
“Oh. What did he have to say about it?” Surely, the old man wouldn’t want someone like Wei Wuxian to enter his clan for any reason. He would probably want to cleanse him too. “Lan Zhan, you—“ Wei Wuxian stopped himself. Lan Wangji waited for him to continue but Wei Wuxian said, “Nothing”—and dropped it.
He was going to ask Lan Wangji not to bother with cleansing his body of resentful energy. But he didn’t want to fight. He was tired. They were amiable right now and Wei Wuxian preferred it this way. Perhaps Lan Wangji would stop trying since Wei Wuxian was safe with him at Gusu and wasn’t using his ‘wicked’ techniques.
They walked through the forest and Wei Wuxian realised how much of it was gone. They had removed the dead trees but there were large areas left bare after the fire. It had to take an enormous effort to rebuild the clan’s grounds after such a devastating event. Wei Wuxian wondered how long it would take to bring the Cloud Recesses back to its original state. Would it ever look or feel the same, having been tarnished by Wen hands? Wei Wuxian trusted it would; he held the same hopes for Lotus Pier.
Lan Wangji stared straight ahead; his eyes were a clear yellow colour, like a ray of sunlight shining through a block of ice. When he was angry or annoyed at Wei Wuxian they darkened, taking on the deep orange hue of amber. Wei Wuxian’s heart stirred with the need to tease him. “Did you hide at the Jingshi, Lan Zhan, when you wanted to avoid me back then?” Wei Wuxian asked, looking at his face to catch any minuscule expressions. His eyes twitched, perhaps remembering his ordeal.
“Mn.”
Wei Wuxian kicked his legs in the air. He hugged Lan Wangji closer. Then he whispered into Lan Wangji’s ear, “You won’t be able to run from me now.” Lan Wangji lost his balance and gripped him tightly. He recovered after a moment and scolded him. Wei Wuxian was holding back giggles. He was still able to discompose Lan Wangji after all.
“We are here,” Lan Wangji said stiffly. He quickened his pace, perhaps restless to put Wei Wuxian down and escape him. Wei Wuxian observed the grounds of the Jingshi. It looked serene, though there were signs of ruin even here. The natural pond before the house had a dark colour and the vegetation was sparse. The house itself looked undone. Lan Wangji took him through the entrance and Wei Wuxian twisted his head, looking about with curiosity. There was only essential furniture in contrasts of dark and light. Lan Wangji placed him on the bed, rearranging the covers and pillows. As Wei Wuxian had thought, Lan Wangji tried to leave.
“Don’t go,” Wei Wuxian said.
Lan Wangji glanced at him and said, “I will return shortly. Would you like me to bring you books?”
“Anything, as long as it’s not the book of rules.”
Lan Wangji turned away and Wei Wuxian caught the ends of a smile. For the remainder of the day he was bed bound and perused the several tomes Lan Wangji had given him. He commented on the texts and discussed it with Lan Wangji who sat writing on the table in the other room. Time flowed easily when he talked with Lan Wangji. It was stimulating to bounce ideas off someone as knowledgeable as him. At some point Lan Wangji left for longer and Wei Wuxian felt acutely the lack of his presence. His attention trailed off from the text and he started thinking about the war once again. He discarded the book and covered his face in both hands, the worry burning through his body.
He wondered if Jiang Cheng already knew of his state. He hoped his shidi was well. He felt wrong being here, enjoying Lan Wangji’s company, lazing about when his family was in danger and struggling for their lives.
He was inefficient. His body was inefficient. He had walked through hell and now he was stuck on a bed because of a small injury. What had he come to? After Wen Qing had stitched him he had walked down a mountain. He had taken kicks to his stomach. He was thrown from up high and survived. He could survive fighting in this state too.
He had come to Gusu only to avoid Jiang Cheng seeing him. He could leave now. Perhaps he should leave while Lan Wangji was gone and not risk the other man trying to make him stay. Wei Wuxian threw his legs off the bed, groaning as he twisted his body and stretched the still fresh injury. He rested for a moment, breathing heavily. His heart toiled inside his chest. Why did he feel so exhausted?
There was something stuck in his throat and he swallowed hard. Somewhere in the recesses of his heart he didn’t want to be away from Lan Wangji. He didn’t want to disappoint him. Lan Wangji was nice to him. He seemed to care and it surprised Wei Wuxian. He hadn’t imagined Lan Wangji, who was constantly against him and his cultivation, would be so bothered if he got hurt. Huh, Wei Wuxian wondered suddenly, was this why he was against him? He had always been righteous so Wei Wuxian had thought he didn’t approve of him. But perhaps it came out of good intentions; perhaps he was merely concerned that irreparable harm will come to Wei Wuxian. But he didn’t understand why Wei Wuxian had no other choice. Wei Wuxian sighed. He couldn’t tell anyone; if it got out, it would surely reach Jiang Cheng.
Lan Wangji found him like this, halfway off the bed, with a distant look in his eyes. “Wei Ying,” he said, worry laced in his voice.
Wei Wuxian smiled in reassurance. “I’m fine.”
“Why are you sitting in such way?”
“I…need the toilet,” he said, realising he really did.
“Oh,” Lan Wangji let out. Perhaps he hadn’t thought of this problem. “I will take you to the outhouse.”
Wei Wuxian nodded and Lan Wangji helped him to get up. Having to rely on someone else for these things made Wei Wuxian irritated and uncomfortable. But Lan Wangji was gentle with him. It was actually nice when it was Lan Wangji taking care of him. He couldn’t imagine anyone else in his place. If it were Jiang Cheng they would probably start a fight. And he would be ashamed if Jiang Yanli had to do this for him. But Wei Wuxian started feeling quite comfortable with Lan Wangji. It was easy when he was lifted and supported by Lan Wangji’s arms; when he felt uncomfortable having to rely on him, Lan Wangji gave him space and didn’t say anything.
Wei Wuxian hadn’t taken such care of his body before. He didn’t want to; after all, his cultivation was high enough to do it for him. And it was impossible for him to get used to being more careful when he wasn’t used to the hollowness left after the removal of his core. But Lan Wangji was starting to make him feel like he should.
When they were back at the Jingshi, Wei Wuxian said, “Lan Zhan, can you play me a song?”
“Of course,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian reposed on the luohan bed. Lan Wangji sat down before his guqin and ran his hand over the strings. The melody he strummed wasn’t one of the GusuLan techniques. It was simply an entertaining piece. But its value was much more than that. The longer Lan Wangji played, the more Wei Wuxian felt it reach his spirit. It felt like a healing balm. It was sweet like sugar, bringing an easy smile to his face.
“I don’t think I’ve heard you play like this before,” Wei Wuxian said when Lan Wangji stopped. “It’s beautiful.”
“I will play for you as long as you want.”
“I want to duet with you,” Wei Wuxian said. “Perhaps when I can stand on my own again.”
“Mn.”
“For now, play some more, please,” Wei Wuxian said. The music filled the silent house for hours. Wei Wuxian hummed to it, slowly swaying his head in rhythm. Lan Wangji’s long fingers tugged at the strings expertly and Wei Wuxian felt as if his own heart was being tugged at. Lan Wangji only stopped when Wei Wuxian’s stomach grumbled loudly from hunger. Wei Wuxian sulked but then he noticed what Lan Wangji had brought him.
“Impossible. Lan Zhan, you’re stealing my heart,” Wei Wuxian said, taking the jar of Emperor’s Smile from his hands.
“Have dinner first.”
“Just a sip, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian pleaded. Lan Wangji relented and Wei Wuxian took a swig and nearly cried from joy. His dramatics seemed to amuse Lan Wangji. He had brought him more to eat this time: rice, stew, soup and side dishes.
“You want to fatten me up, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked jokingly.
“You skip meals,” he said.
“It’s necessary,” Wei Wuxian said, picking up his chopsticks. “Won’t you eat with me?”
“I will share with you,” Lan Wangji said. Still, he ate little, leaving most of the food for Wei Wuxian.
Wei Wuxian poured himself a drink. “Lan Zhan, join me,” he said.
“I do not drink.”
Wei Wuxian sighed. “It will be just me, the moon and my shadow once again.” Wei Wuxian toasted to the heavens and tipped back his cup. He wondered aloud, “If Grandmaster Lan only knew of your transgressions, Lan Zhan. And because of me! What would he make me do, I don’t want to imagine.”
“He will not find out,” Lan Wangji said with surety.
Wei Wuxian laughed. “Lan Zhan, you’re a wonder. What happened to you? Did you fall in love?”
Lan Wangji didn’t reply. He was avoiding Wei Wuxian’s eyes and his ears developed an angry red hue. Wei Wuxian squinted, growing suspicious. “Someone stole your heart, Lan Zhan?” he asked quietly.
Lan Wangji’s silence stretched. He turned away, hiding his rosy blush and sat before his guqin again, with his back to Wei Wuxian. He started playing a new melody, something familiar but Wei Wuxian couldn’t quite remember where he had heard it.
Wei Wuxian had asked simply to tease him. His sudden shyness awoke the curiosity within Wei Wuxian. Knowing the truth was suddenly a matter of utmost importance to him. “Aren’t we close?” Wei Wuxian asked. “Why wouldn’t you tell me? I won’t judge.”
Lan Wangji continued ignoring him. Wei Wuxian huffed. His music was tender, but it was missing something. “Please, tell me, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian urged quietly. It was gnawing at him—the fact that Lan Wangji had someone dear in his heart. Lan Wangji’s music ceased suddenly.
“Think for yourself,” he said at last.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t silence his mind all night. He wondered who it could be. Was it someone he knew? It seemed so, by Lan Wangji’s words. Wei Wuxian had joked about this before and Lan Wangji had been equally bashful. His affections had developed over a long period of time, it seemed. Or was it a love at first sight? Wei Wuxian didn’t understand; he hadn’t loved anyone like that before. No matter what Jiang Cheng said, his flirtation was nothing more than entertainment. Lan Wangji had scolded him for that as well, hadn’t he?
It had been a while ago—back at the cave of the Xuanwu of Slaughter. Lan Wangji had hummed him that song as well. Wei Wuxian’s memories were vague. The only thing he remembered clearly was the sword he had held and the onslaught of resentful energy rushing into his body. Lan Wangji had taken care of him back then too.
Wei Wuxian turned slightly and stared at Lan Wangji by his side. The way he had been feeling about Lan Wangji lately had made him suspicious of himself. He didn’t want to admit to his feelings for it wouldn’t have led to anything good. He had just been starting to get on better with Lan Wangji, and for him to develop such attachments would have been disastrous. He couldn’t commit to it. He wasn’t in the right state of mind. His family—he didn’t think they would approve of it. He couldn’t leave the Jiang clan alone to romance Lan Wangji. The most he had imagined their relationship developing was into a close friendship. But now, as he thought about it, Lan Wangji hadn’t been so affectionate to anyone else but him. And Wei Wuxian loved it. The way Lan Wangji looked at him made him feel stronger in the face of any difficulty. He was always around him, always following him with his eyes even when they were apart, and so it couldn’t be anyone else. But he needed to know for sure and maybe, just maybe he could allow this to happen.
Wei Wuxian bit on his lip and his heart thundered. His face grew hot and his palms sweated. He had to ask. It didn’t have to mean anything. If Lan Wangji rejected him, he would brush it off and pretend nothing had happened. But it would hurt more than the injuries he had sustained for sure.
Wei Wuxian tugged on the sleeve of Lan Wangji’s robe gently. “Lan Zhan,” he whispered. He nudged Lan Wangji and pressed himself closer. “Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji stirred, making a soft sound. He had to be tired—Wei Wuxian remembered he hadn’t slept at all last night. He felt bad for bothering him and let him go.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji breathed. He leaned over Wei Wuxian. His hair was down and framed his face softly. “What is it?” he asked.
“I—“ Wei Wuxian choked on his words. He hadn’t thought of what to say. Lan Wangji was still staring at him and frowning.
“Are you hurting?” he asked with concern. Then he pressed the back of his hand to Wei Wuxian’s forehead. Wei Wuxian whimpered softly and took his hand between his own and brought it to his chest. He wondered if Lan Wangji could feel his thundering heart.
“I need to know,” Wei Wuxian whispered, “is it me?”
Lan Wangji’s mouth parted. He stared at Wei Wuxian for a long time, his expression unreadable. His hand clenched in Wei Wuxian’s. He seemed to be leaning down, closer into Wei Wuxian’s space and his breath was warm on Wei Wuxian’s face.
“Because,” Wei Wuxian said more surely, “if it is, I will kiss you.”
Lan Wangji closed the space between them and Wei Wuxian met him eagerly. It felt like the kiss of morning sunlight on his skin; like the refreshing touch of water when he jumped into a Yunmeng lake on a hot afternoon. He breathed out when Lan Wangji’s mouth pressed against his, feeling the worry leave his body, replaced by the excitement of this wonderful new thing. He let go of Lan Wangji’s hand and cradled his face. Their noses brushed and the closeness clouded his mind. He soaked in Lan Wangji’s warmth. His lips were tingling and he felt Lan Wangji sucking on them, licking them, making him breathless. He shivered as Lan Wangji buried his hand in his hair, and tugged at it to hold his head down and took in Wei Wuxian with zeal. It was as if Lan Wangji was parched, needing him, unable to be parted from him. It made him moan in pleasure and breathe out his name when they separated. Lan Wangji stared at him with wild eyes, a trail of saliva connecting their mouths. Wei Wuxian found it strangely hot. He pressed his fingers to his lips and said, “This was my first kiss, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji kissed him suddenly, taking his breath away. It was faster, stronger, his passion all-consuming, and Wei Wuxian moaned again under his attention. He parted his legs, letting Lan Wangji fit into the space between them. Lan Wangji ran his hand over his upper body. Wei Wuxian needed it on his skin. “Undress me,” he whispered and his breath stuttered as Lan Wangji untied his robes. He was holding himself up and away from Wei Wuxian’s body, careful not to press on his wounded side. Wei Wuxian breathed against his mouth, “Closer.” He tugged on Lan Wangji, but the other stopped him.
“You are hurt,” he reminded.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian breathed and let out a small whine. “I want you.”
Lan Wangji trailed kisses down the column of his throat. He pinched Wei Wuxian’s exposed nipples, making him cry out. “Sensitive,” he said quietly.
“Are you making fun of me?” Wei Wuxian asked. He tried opening the front of Lan Wangji’s robes and Lan Wangji held his hands away, pinning them down above his head. Wei Wuxian arched his back, and a wave of pleasure washed over his body.
“You’re doing whatever you want now,” Wei Wuxian said. He struggled to extract his hands and Lan Wangji’s grip suddenly eased, as if he was going to let him go. “Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian cried out, “Lan Zhan, hold me down, do what you want, I love it!”
Lan Wangji’s fingers dug into his skin. He bit into the tender skin of his neck.
“Ow!” The sting of his bite made Wei Wuxian moan. He inclined his head, inviting Lan Wangji, who licked a trail from his shoulder to his ear, taking his earlobe into his mouth.
“Lan Zhan, where did you learn these things?” Wei Wuxian asked, panting. He tried lifting his body to connect with Lan Wangji but he was pushed down again. Lan Wangji didn’t answer him. Wei Wuxian wondered if he had spent his free time at the library reading such material. Lan Wangji had been so shy when Wei Wuxian teased him with that spring book. He wanted to laugh about it now but Lan Wangji’s fingers were circling his nipples and he cried. “Lan Zhan, Er-gege—Ah!—you’re abusing my nipples; move somewhere else.”
Lan Wangji let go and Wei Wuxian breathed out in relief. His nipples were puckered and felt hot. His cock was achingly hard. He wished Lan Wangji would touch him there already but then Lan Wangji moved down and closed his mouth around one of his nipples, sucking on it and Wei Wuxian cried again, wanting to hold onto Lan Wangji, forgetting that his hands were held by him. Lan Wangji grazed on the sensitive skin with his teeth, then moved onto the other.
Wei Wuxian felt no relief. The build up of energy into his lower body was too much and he started repeating Lan Wangji’s name loudly. Then suddenly Lan Wangji buried his fingers into his mouth, muffling his cries. “You need to be quieter,” Lan Wangji said, his voice rough. He pressed down onto his tongue, making him choke, then eased his touch and Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, sucking onto Lan Wangji’s fingers. He tasted sweetly and his skin was smooth. Wei Wuxian moved his tongue, feelings the dips and pads of his fingers. His mouth watered with the taste of it and his saliva ran down his chin. Lan Wangji froze above him. Wei Wuxian glanced at him; he seemed to be on edge, staring at Wei Wuxian’s mouth intently. Wei Wuxian let small noises of pleasure escape him, and he circled Lan Wangji’s torso with his legs and pushed him down on top of himself. Finally, his neglected cock found something to rub onto, and Wei Wuxian started circling his hips gently, feeling his wound sting.
Lan Wangji took his fingers out of his mouth and Wei Wuxian protested. But then Lan Wangji pushed his hand down Wei Wuxian’s pants and took his cock in his hand, coating it in saliva. The sensation made him moan; it was so different from what he had imagined, and the fact that it was Lan Wangji who was touching this part of him made Wei Wuxian savour each moment, each touch, and he let himself enjoy it without restraint. Shocks of pleasure coursed through him as Lan Wangji’s hand glided up and down his cock. Wei Wuxian couldn’t hold back any longer. Lan Wangji squeezed the sensitive head and he came with a cry. He whimpered as he released himself into Lan Wangji’s fist and relaxed into the bed. As he started twitching at the slight shocks of pain, Lan Wangji removed his hand and looked at it, rubbing his come between his fingers. It was an image that would haunt Wei Wuxian’s dreams forever. Then Lan Wangji thrust his fingers back inside Wei Wuxian’s mouth.
Wei Wuxian shrieked; he tasted the saltiness of his own come and couldn’t help but swallow it down. He stared at Lan Wangji lustfully as he sucked the man’s fingers clean. The way Lan Wangji was having his way with him was driving him crazy. Lan Wangji leaned in and mouthed feather-light kisses on his cheek and throat. He whispered into his skin, “Wei Ying, I will come inside you.”
Wei Wuxian’s questions were muffled. What do you mean? Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan?
“Lie on your side,” Lan Wangji said. He let go of Wei Wuxian’s hands, while keeping his long fingers inside his mouth, pushing them even deeper until his knuckles were partway inside; then he helped Wei Wuxian turn onto his good side. He pressed a kiss to Wei Wuxian’s temple and asked. “Does it hurt like this?”
Wei Wuxian shook his head. It was comfortable but he was still nervously excited about Lan Wangji’s words so he continued making small noises of protest; Lan Wangji didn’t remove his hand and let him speak. He leaned over, looking at Wei Wuxian, perhaps checking to make sure he was alright, then pressed another kiss to his forehead. Lan Wangji’s fingers left his mouth and Wei Wuxian missed them. He spoke, his voice rasping, “Er-gege, what are you going to do to me?”
“You will see.”
A thrill ran down his spine. He fisted the sheets in front of him. His robe was parted and his underpants were pushed down. He twitched at being exposed. His breathing was ragged and his cock was filling again. Lan Wangji was able to see every part of him, every inch of his body. Wei Wuxian could feel the way his gaze raked over his body, admiring him. Then a cold finger pushed between the cheeks of his ass and he jerked. “Lan Zhan?”
Lan Wangji pushed his wet finger deeper into him and rubbed at the rim. Wei Wuxian tightened his muscles, sucking him in. He had seen something like this before, in illustration—a woman bend over and a man fucking into her ass—but he hadn’t known it was possible. Was it possible?
Lan Wangji’s finger eased inside and Wei Wuxian tried getting used to the weird feeling. He clenched, unclenched, clenched, unclenched; Lan Wangji’s finger had entered to the knuckle and he curled it inside. Wei Wuxian gasped. Lan Wangji kissed the shell of his ear and said, “How are you?” He circled his finger and Wei Wuxian squirmed.
“Great,” Wei Wuxian said, “great. Is this it?” He squealed when Lan Wangji inserted a second finger without warning. “Er-gege! I take it back. Slow down.”
“No.”
Wei Wuxian moaned loudly. The feeling of being stretched by Lan Wangji’s fingers—the very same fingers that had invaded his mouth—was wonderful. He already felt full and he wondered how much more Lan Wangji was going to give him. Lan Wangji pushed a third finger inside him, and his hole opened wider to fit them in. It hurt but he couldn’t stop thinking of how Lan Wangji’s fingers felt inside his mouth, and how they felt now in the most private part of his body, discovering him like he had never been by anyone else and never wanted to be. He was giddy and drunk on the pleasure and he didn’t want this to end.
“Feels good,” Wei Wuxian breathed.
“I want to kiss you,” Lan Wangji said and Wei Wuxian turned his head. Lan Wangji leaned down and caught his mouth. This time they kissed slowly, and Wei Wuxian relished in the feeling of being loved like this. Lan Wangji moved away, nuzzling his throat.
“Am I tight?” Wei Wuxian asked.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji sucked on his skin, pushing his fingers in and out of him. Wei Wuxian started moving back to meet him. He reached down to touch his cock but Lan Wangji held his hand away.
“Only me,” Lan Wangji said.
Wei Wuxian shivered. “Wha—“
“Only I can touch you.”
Wei Wuxian swore. He couldn’t hold back any more. “Lan Zhan, please touch me! Fuck me! I need more, I can’t wait any longer.”
“As you wish,” Lan Wangji said. He took out his fingers, leaving Wei Wuxian with a cold, empty feeling. Then Lan Wangji squeezed one of his cheeks, kneading the skin, parted it and Wei Wuxian felt the head of Lan Wangji’s cock push at his rim.
“Wait, what are you doing; how will you fit inside? I didn’t mean that,” Wei Wuxian said, though his heart pounded with excitement and he pushed back into Lan Wangji. The man ignored his protests and continued pushing until his head fit into Wei Wuxian. He already felt stretched to his limits and he didn’t know how he will take more. He sucked Lan Wangji in little by little. “You’re too large. It won’t fit. Go easy on me!”
“You said…you want more,” Lan Wangji said. His breathing had picked up and perhaps he was holding back from pushing all of himself inside Wei Wuxian at once. Wei Wuxian wished him to do it. He had already gotten used to the feeling of the tip inside him. He started pushing back and Lan Wangji thrust forward. It felt like his ass was being torn apart. Wei Wuxian arched his back. He wanted to touch himself but he wanted it to be Lan Wangji who touched him even more. He liked the idea of receiving pleasure from Lan Wangji, of only Lan Wangji giving it to him. His cock was left full, red and leaking his precome. Wei Wuxian held onto the bed as Lan Wangji continued pushing.
“Too much, Gege, my fragile body can’t take it,” Wei Wuxian complained. He licked his lips, puffing with exertion.
Lan Wangji grunted. “You…can.”
Wei Wuxian cried and bit his fist to hold back his sounds. He was sure anyone passing by the Jingshi can hear him. Lan Wangji suddenly started thrusting in a mechanical manner. He held onto Wei Wuxian’s thigh and fit his body against him. He enveloped Wei Wuxian, his chest pressed against the other’s back, panting into his hair. Wei Wuxian hadn’t felt such closeness with anyone else before. A sense of safety washed over him as their bodies entangled and he slumped against Lan Wangji. Loud, unrestrained moans escaped him as Lan Wangji slapped against his ass and thighs; his cock seemed to grow even bigger and Wei Wuxian took it in eagerly. When Lan Wangji changed his angle, Wei Wuxian saw stars. He cried out and begged Lan Wangji to touch him. Lan Wangji kept pounding into that spot, making him lose all coherent thought, and then he finally, finally, took Wei Wuxian’s throbbing cock and squeezed it. Wei Wuxian’s orgasm came suddenly. His whole world seemed to explode, and he was lost for a few moments as if floating on a cloud of complete satisfaction. In that moment, nothing else had felt better. Lan Wangji’s thrusts stuttered soon after and warm liquid settled inside Wei Wuxian. He was murmuring something, unaware of what and Lan Wangji had started petting his head. When he came to again, Lan Wangji was still inside him. They were both panting and Lan Wangji nuzzled at his hair. Lan Wangji started pushing out, and Wei Wuxian whined and grabbed his hand, tugging on it to keep him in place. “No.”
Lan Wangji kissed him softly. “We should wash.”
“No,” Wei Wuxian repeated. “Stay inside me, please. It’s almost morning.”
Lan Wangji sighed, then snuggled into him. He pulled the blanket over them and rested one hand on Wei Wuxian’s breast, where his scarred skin wrinkled and his heart tried to beat out of his chest. Wei Wuxian made a noise of pleasure, smiling contentedly. “Good night, Lan Zhan.”
“Good night, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji replied, his voice light and happy.
Lan Wangji was kissing his body, tracing every part with his mouth. He rubbed at his feet, massaging them, kissed his inner thighs and the tip of his cock. Wei Wuxian felt it harden. He murmured sleepily, “Lan Zhan.” Lan Wangji kissed him on the mouth, sucking on his lips. Wei Wuxian woke fully, carding his fingers through Lan Wangji’s silky hair and caught the narrow strip of ribbon entwined in it. He twirled the ribbon and asked sleepily, “Is it morning already?”
“Mn. It is late.” Lan Wangji said.
“Hm. Did you do me while I slept?” Wei Wuxian asked quietly in his ear.
“Shameless,” Lan Wangji said, but he sounded so soft that Wei Wuxian smiled widely and kissed him. Lan Wangji turned his head and their noses brushed. Now that Wei Wuxian knew of his feelings he could see the deep affection swimming under Lan Wangji’s cool exterior. He touched his cheek, pressing his finger into it and left a little red mark behind.
“I have brought water to clean you,” Lan Wangji said.
“Oh,” Wei Wuxian breathed out with a look of sadness. “I hoped I could keep your come for longer.”
Lan Wangji glared at him and Wei Wuxian stifled a laugh. “How will you have me?” he asked, propping his head on his hands and spreading his legs. His cock was already hard and Lan Wangji looked at it intently; a small glob of white appeared at the tip. Wei Wuxian said, “Since I can’t touch myself, will you take care of it, Lan Zhan?”
Lan Wangji looked very serious; there was a visible vein pulsating on his forehead and his eyes were reddened. Wei Wuxian hadn’t seen what he looked like while fucking him so he wondered if Lan Wangji had been equally moved by his teasing. “Please don’t leave poor me unsatisfied,” Wei Wuxian continued.
Lan Wangji exhaled shakily. He sat frozen, looking at his cock. Wei Wuxian felt like he had broken him and tittered. “I really liked it when you held me down, Lan Er-gege—“ Wei Wuxian sucked in a breath, thinking up an idea. “—If you try to clean me, I will run. Perhaps Hanguang-jun has to tie me down.”
Lan Wangji looked at him with wide eyes. “You cannot run,” he said quietly.
“We’ll see,” he said propping himself up on his elbows. Lan Wangji rose, took off his ribbon and tied his arms quickly. He made an elaborate knot that looked like a bracelet adorning his hands, fitting snuggly around them. Lan Wangji looked at his work in satisfaction. Wei Wuxian relaxed on the bed again and waited for Lan Wangji to do what he wanted to. He didn’t even want to leave the bed. He felt calm and free from burdens in a way he had never been before. It was a nice feeling that he wanted to get used to, but couldn’t. Just for now, though, he was going to enjoy it.
Lan Wangji brought the basin of steaming water to the bed and soaked a cloth inside it. He drenched the liquid and then brought it to his face, gently wiping it. The cloth was warm and smooth, and Lan Wangji ran it slowly over his forehead and nose and cheeks and chin, and then moved down to his neck. Wei Wuxian arched his head back and closed his eyes, listening to the noises. Lan Wangji washed the cloth and returned to his chest, making little circles on his skin. He cleaned his arms and armpits, making him giggle at the feeling and tug on the knot keeping his hands bound. He licked his lips, and sighed softly.
“I will lift your legs,” Lan Wangji said and Wei Wuxian nodded. He frowned a bit when Lan Wangji bend his leg. Lan Wangji worked fast, cleaning the residue of fluids and put down his legs again. “The healer will visit us after lunch,” Lan Wangji reassured, noticing that he was in pain.
As the rest of his body was cleaned, Wei Wuxian wondered if Lan Wangji had seen his old wounds—the scars left after the removal of his golden core and the whip lashes on his back. Zidian had been brutal, sending electric shocks through his body and leaving its marks on his skin. Lan Wangji hadn’t said anything, but it was impossible that he hadn’t noticed.
Wei Wuxian yawned, sudden tiredness coming over him. Lan Wangji’s gentle hands were a loving caress on his body. He drifted in and out of sleep while the morning passed languidly. Lan Wangji untied him and dressed him in soft disciple robes.
After lunch, the healer changed his bandages and gave him stronger medicine. “He should be given it three times a day,” she said to Lan Wangji, who nodded and placed it on a tray with the rest of the prescribed remedies.
“Healer Lan,” Wei Wuxian called, stopping her as she turned to leave. “Will I be able to leave soon?”
Lan Wangji knitted his brows. The healer had a thoughtful look; she threw a glance at Lan Wangji. “A month,” she replied. “But I would advise against moving that soon.”
Wei Wuxian nodded and thanked her. A month was a lengthy delay; he was set on returning to war sooner rather than later. Lan Wangji was moving about the room restlessly, rearranging the bottles of medicine and organising Wei Wuxian’s clothes. Wei Wuxian didn’t want to disappoint him, but surely going back to war was the right decision.
Wei Wuxian shuffled under the covers of the bed, listening to Lan Wangji. After a while, the notes of the guqin spread in the Jingshi. Wei Wuxian had heard this song before—it was one of GusuLan’s well known pieces, Rest. It was infused with Lan Wangji’s spiritual energy; Wei Wuxian felt it distantly, gently embracing him and penetrating his mind. His thoughts cleared and he relaxed into the bed.
The music ended on a long note. Then Lan Wangji came to bed and sat next to him, taking hold of his hands. Bringing them to his lips, Lan Wangji kissed them softly. “May I ask you something,” Lan Wangji said.
“Sure.”
Wei Wuxian waited expectantly as the silence stretched. Lan Wangji was looking away, perhaps gathering courage.
“You can ask me anything,” Wei Wuxian said, encouraging him.
Lan Wangji gripped his hands tighter. “Healer Lan brought something to my attention. I have to know…”
Wei Wuxian frowned. His stomach squeezed with nerves. “Hm?”
“Your meridians are damaged,” Lan Wangji said. “Could your cultivation be the cause?”
Wei Wuxian’s heart beat erratically. He gave a lopsided smile. No matter the answer, Lan Wangji wouldn’t be satisfied without an explanation. “Why do you ask?” he said.
“I am worried about you.”
Wei Wuxian snapped, “Don’t worry so much. I’ll be fine.”
“But we must treat the problem.”
“It’s not a problem if I’m still able to fight.”
Lan Wangji’s hands were warm and damp. His expression remained determined. “Since there is damage, your healing will be slower. There may be other complications. You cannot continue fighting like this.”
“Lan Zhan, can we not discuss this? I’m aware of it. There’s nothing else I can do about it,” he said sincerely. He turned away from Lan Wangji, pulling his hands away from Lan Wangji’s grasp.
“I can help if you let me.”
“Why so stubborn?” Wei Wuxian breathed. He covered his face with his palms. “Let’s not argue,” Wei Wuxian said.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said. Wei Wuxian flashed him an exasperated look. Lan Wangji’s features twisted, hurt evident in his expression. Wei Wuxian had seen him look like this before, back when they reunited after the Burial Mounds. Pain, confusion, anger—strong emotions had mingled in his eyes and Wei Wuxian had ignored his hurt. He didn’t want to disregard Lan Wangji like this any longer.
“I will not judge you,” Lan Wangji continued. “I only want you to be well.” He brushed Wei Wuxian’s hair from his face. His touch was featherlight and soothing.
Wei Wuxian let out a deep sigh. “I know,” he breathed.
Lan Wangji continued caressing him. “If your cultivation is harming you, we can find ways to treat the effects.”
Wei Wuxian was surprised Lan Wangji didn’t tell him to quit it and take up his sword again. It was an interesting change. “It’s not my cultivation,” he said suddenly.
Lan Wangji frowned. “What else could it be?”
Wei Wuxian couldn’t make himself say it. His heart pounded. He crossed his arms and shook his head, not wanting to discuss it any longer. Lan Wangji nodded after a moment and said, “Tell me when you are ready.”
He would never be ready for a conversation like this. But for a moment he entertained the thought of what it would be like if he let go of this burden. If he did, he wouldn’t have to hide from yet another person he loved. Lan Wangji had nestled into his heart and soul. His life would be different from now on, knowing that Lan Wangji was by his side. He couldn’t imagine returning to Lotus Pier one day without Lan Wangji. In all his dreams of the future, Lan Wangji was present constantly. Supporting him. Fighting with him. Living together. Loving one another. They would spend each meal with each other, and they would share a bed, and they would night-hunt, just the two of them, and they would travel, and have fun, and talk about anything. He couldn’t wait to learn all that he could about Lan Wangji. This dreamy life was starting to occupy Wei Wuxian’s thoughts more and more, enticing him with its sweet promise of happiness.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian called him. He waited for Lan Wangji to look at him and spread out his arms. “Can you hold me?”
Lan Wangji left what he was doing and lay down on the bed, snuggling close to him, and embraced him tightly. Wei Wuxian turned his head, pressing their foreheads together. “Kiss me,” he said.
Lan Wangji pressed their mouths in a light kiss. He whispered his name and kissed him again. Wei Wuxian wondered, “Will you do everything I ask of you?”
“Yes,” Lan Wangji replied, mouthing kisses onto his cheek.
Wei Wuxian smiled. “I didn’t know you could be so doting.”
Lan Wangji hummed. Wei Wuxian caressed his cheek, then cupped Lan Wangji’s warm face. “Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian paused. He bit his bottom lip lightly and Lan Wangji brushed it with a finger. “I want to tell you,” he said, “but I can’t do it yet.” Wei Wuxian sighed. “I’m sorry”
“No,” Lan Wangji said quietly, and smoothed the hairs on his eyebrows. “I understand. You don’t have to.”
Wei Wuxian shook his head. “I’d rather not hide from you.”
Lan Wangji snuggled close to him, and embraced him tightly. He spoke quietly, “When you want to tell me, I will be here. Always.”
Wei Wuxian listened to his breathing, felt the hot puff of air on his cheek. “You must still be worried.”
“I am.”
Wei Wuxian kissed him. “I’m fine,” he said.
“You always say this. Then you bleed in my arms.”
Something in Wei Wuxian’s chest twisted painfully. “I will be more careful,” he said, “I promise.”
Lan Wangji sighed helplessly. “Please,” he said. He cupped Wei Wuxian’s cheek and caressed his cheekbone slowly. “How long has your condition lasted?”
“A while now,” Wei Wuxian replied honestly. “This is-this is why I don’t carry my sword anymore.”
Lan Wangji’s jaw slackened and his hand froze. Wei Wuxian took his hand and brought it to his mouth, pressing light kisses into Lan Wangji’s skin. “I can still fight. As you can see.” He spread Lan Wangji’s fingers and placed them on his cheek, smiling reassuringly. “It’s just that sometimes, like right now, I may need you to help me out.”
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said, his voice thick with emotion. “I will.”
Wei Wuxian shuffled down, hugged Lan Wangji and hid his face in his chest. His injury ached silently and he ignored it for now, wishing to be closer to the other. Lan Wangji held him closely and caressed him with a slow, loving touch. An unbidden memory appeared in Wei Wuxian’s mind—of losing the warmth in his body, of the nights he had spent lying on that lonely hill with the Wen siblings. It had been dark and cold but above him the heavenly river had stretched for miles. In the brief moments of reprieve he had wondered if his parents had perhaps become gods and were now residing amongst the other immortals, watching over him. Perhaps they saw him and Lan Wangji now and were joyful that he had found his soulmate too.
“Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian asked quietly.
“Mn.”
Wei Wuxian buried deeper into him. “Do you ever miss your mother?”
“I do.”
“What was she like?”
“Funny,” Lan Wangji said, “bright, kind, strong. Like you.”
“Do you think she would have blessed our marriage?”
“You wish to marry me?” Lan Wangji asked suddenly and Wei Wuxian chuckled.
“Of course! Did you think I’d sleep with you if I didn’t intend to marry? I’m sure you wouldn’t do it either.”
“Mn, Wei Ying is correct.”
Wei Wuxian smiled. “Well, the fact that we did it before marriage should remain between us.”
“Mn,” Lan Wangji agreed. “And I believe mother would have approved of you.”
“Then let’s marry soon, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said.
Lan Wangji kissed the top of his head and tightened his arms around Wei Wuxian. It was easy to stay here, held by someone he trusted. Perhaps he could spend some more time at the Cloud Recesses, being cared for by Lan Wangji. There were many challenges ahead of them, but they didn’t seem as hard to deal with as they had been before. “You are great, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said quietly. “I can’t wait to show you Yunmeng. To spend every night with you. To have sex with you. To kiss you and hug you as much as I want.”
Lan Wangji agreed, repeating his words back to him. They kissed, enjoying the peaceful moment together.