Chapter Text
“could you give me a hand?” zuha looked up to see her roommate walk into the dorm room. well, more like stumble: she had a heavy-looking backpack strapped across her shoulders, and three boxes stacked high in her arms. she was also kicking another box on the floor.
“oh, yes, oh my god,” kazuha got up immediately, taking a box out of chaewon’s hands, setting it down by her bed. “you should’ve texted me when you got here…”
“i mean,” responded chaewon, carefully setting down the boxes in her arms, “we got lucky with our room being so close to the elevator, so i didn’t really need much help.”
“how’d you even get all of this in there?”
chaewon shrugged, “i was nearly flat against the wall in there so it was a struggle.”
chaewon took off her backpack, letting out a sigh of relief, rubbing her shoulders. “god i should’ve listened when my parents told me to pack light. not that i would ever let them know i said that.”
zuha laughed.
“alright,” chaewon said, pulling a pair of scissors out of her backpack. “i see you’re all set. would you mind giving me a hand?”
“of course,” said kazuha, grabbing her own scissors from her desk.
the two immediately started cutting open the tape, unfolding the cardboard flaps, and taking chaewon’s stuff out. kazuha was amazed by everything the other girl had packed - she had everything from her bedding and clothing - the essentials - to stuffed animals and rocks.
(“i like collecting them,” said chaewon, putting her hands up by her head as if surrendering when zuha took the rocks out.
kazuha just blinked, before putting them on chaewon’s bed. “yeah, you might have overpacked a little.”)
after a couple hours of unpacking - by when chaewon was fully settled into the room - they finally slumped on their beds, catching their breath.
“can you imagine if we’d met for the first time today?” asked chaewon after a few seconds.
“oh, we would hate each other,” zuha laughed. “you’re so lucky you already know me.”
the two had gone to high school together, best of friends, so when they’d decided on the same college, rooming together wasn’t even a question.
“i am, i am,” agreed chaewon. she hummed, before sighing, “i’m starving. do you wanna go get food?”
as if on cue, zuha’s stomach grumbled, and the two girls laughed. they walked a couple feet over to the elevator, hitting the button for the first floor.
“i'm so glad we have a dining hall in our building,” chaewon remarked. “can you imagine starving and walking across campus in the middle of a blizzard?”
kazuha laughed, “we don’t have to.”
“oh, by the way, one of my family friends,” said chaewon, “is coming to this school as well. so would you be cool with eating with her and her roommate?”
“sure,” zuha responded. “that would be great.”
they got to the first floor, stepping out of the elevator and entering the dining hall. they piled their plates with food - being the first day, the food was incredible - and quickly found a table. the room was intensely loud and crowded, but kazuha spotted an empty table in a corner, and they quickly claimed it before anyone else spotted it.
two other girls walked up. one had light brown hair, going a little past her shoulders. the other had long blonde hair tied up in a ponytail, and black rimmed glasses.
“chaewon!” said one of them, the one with the brown hair.
“sakura!” chaewon responded, immediately getting up and pulling her into a hug.
everyone sat down, and chaewon introduced sakura. sakura was a childhood friend of chaewon’s - their mothers had been friends in college - and lived one floor above chaewon and kazuha.
sakura then introduced her roommate.
“hi, i’m yunjin, nice to meet you guys,” said yunjin.
kazuha. was. stunned.
she didn’t know people could look like that. if she hadn’t known better, she’d think she was a model.
yunjin’s eyes were also lively, joyful, and she looked and conversed as if each of them were the most interesting people she’d ever met.
it was that quality especially that drew kazuha in - the ability to make everyone you talk to feel like the most special person in the world. she found herself wanting to be the most important person in yun-
“hello? earth to kazuha!”
kazuha blinked, suddenly aware of chaewon waving her hand in her face, sakura laughing, and yunjin watching, amused.
“oh, sorry,” kazuha said, color rushing to her face. “i just zoned out for a second. what did i miss?”
“happens to everyone,” yunjin said with a smile. “we were just talking about what we’re studying. what’re you interested in? if you know, no pressure of course.”
“i want to be a vet,” kazuha responded.
“aww,” said sakura, “that’s nice. i used to want that, but i think i would cry if i had to put down a dog or a cat.”
kazuha nodded, “no, that’s definitely going to be difficult. i just see it as a way of making sure that their lives end painlessly, that they feel warm and loved in their last moments. death is such a scary, unknown thing, the very least anyone could ask for it a painless, easy passing.”
“noble,” said chaewon. “you can do the good deeds on behalf of us both. i have to climb the corporate ladder.”
everyone laughed.
“wait, what are you pursuing?” kazuha asked the other two girls.
“graphic design and computer science,” answered sakura. “i love video games, technology… i don’t know if i want to go into video game design because i feel like if i make it my job i’ll stop being interested in it, but it is a major consideration of mine.”
“oh, that’s cool,” said kazuha. “coding scares me - just the syntax of it is so confusing.”
“i know, right?!” chaewon exclaimed, “i took an introductory course once and quit after two classes.”
“this girl,” sakura nodded to yunjin, “has an even scarier path.”
they all turned to yunjin, who beamed, before saying, “i want to do math.”
“you’re studying math?” zuha’s jaw dropped.
“yes,” she said, laughing.
“why would you do that to yourself?” zuha asked.
“i like it,” she said, and chaewon shook her head.
“sakura, where did you find her?” chaewon asked, and sakura laughed.
“i mean, it’s good,” sakura poined out. “if any of us need it, yunjin can help us with math.”
“yes! i’m always happy to help you guys out!” yunjin said, grinning.
“well,” said zuha, “i will be taking you up on it.”
~~
the club fair takes place a few days later. every student organization set up a table with a few representatives on the college field. the field was packed with students, all mingling and exploring, adding their emails to lists.
kazuha went to the fair with chaewon, sakura, and yunjin. the four of them had quickly become a unit, going almost everywhere together, eating together, having game nights in their dorm rooms.
the four of them wandered around the fair, occasionally putting their names down on lists that caught their attention.
at some point, sakura broke away, getting into a really long conversation with representatives from a gaming club. chaewon broke away as well, talking in depth with representatives from the school’s business student association.
zuha stopped by a few dance groups, signing up for auditions.
“you like to dance? what style?” asked yunjin after zuha finished writing down her contact information.
kazuha grinned, “i’ve grown up doing ballet, but i’ve also done some hiphop and contemporary on my own.”
“that’s really cool,” said yunjin earnestly, nodding, “i’ve done some dance, mostly hiphop, but i do want to dance more in college. definitely not anything selective, though.”
“you should dance more, we can dance together, too!” said kazuha. “i heard that the school has practice rooms in some residence halls, and the athletic center also has a few studios for rent.”
yunjin nodded.
and then kazuha stumbled forward, having been shoved aside by some big football player who’d walked past. she lost her balance, nearly falling over, before stopping, feeling warm hands on her shoulders.
“are you okay?” yunjin asked, before turning and yelling, “hey, watch where you’re going, man!”
“i’m okay,” kazuha said, “thanks for breaking my fall.”
“anytime,” yunjin said, removing her hands from her shoulders. she shielded her eyes from the sun, glancing around, before nearly jumping in excitement. “oh my god, i’ve been looking for this one!”
before kazuha could react, yunjin grabbed her hand, leading the two of them through the crowd. kazuha felt her heart racing in her chest, attributing it to the amount of people she was trying not to crash into.
they ended up in front of a table with a rainbow flag draped over it. there were pronoun pins, pride stickers, pens, a signup sheet, and a laptop open with a presentation.
“hi, are you interested in rainbow?” one girl asked. there were two girls behind the table. one had dyed coral hair, wearing a crop top, flannel, and ripped jeans, and had jumped up, out of her seat, standing eagerly.
the other remained in her seat, adjusting her round glasses, brushing her bangs out of her face.
their names were sojung and hyunjung: sojung, a junior, and hyunjung, a senior. they learned that hyunjung was going into veterinary school after college, which immediately made zuha want to befriend her.
“do you feel supported here?” yunjin asked, and sojung nodded. zuha was suddenly reminded of where they were - at the queer student association table. god, her parents would pass out if they knew about this.
they couldn’t know about this.
“we have a lot of great resources for queer students, and have a great community. our regular meetings are more discussion, supporting one another. our bigger events are fun, like the pride we throw every year.” sojung said, and yunjin smiled.
“that’s great to hear.” yunjin said.
“would you like to sign up as well?” asked hyunjung, and now all three girls were looking at kazuha.
zuha swallowed. she wanted to - she wanted to be a good friend, be an ally, and the queer student group seemed like fun. but she couldn’t help but wonder about her parents finding out.
“you don’t have to come to every meeting,” said sojung. “just come to what you want to. if you want to sign up for our mailing list, of course. no pressure.”
“i’ll,” she cleared her throat. “i’ll add my email.”
she wrote down her college email, hands sweating. she could feel her heart beating in her chest, nervous. she was just doing this to support her friend. she was doing this to get to know hyunjung, a fellow future vet.
kazuha was straight. she was allowed to support her queer friends. she was allowed to listen to people talk about their experiences with not conforming to cisheteronormative standards. she was allowed to celebrate pride, because pride was a celebration of love above all else, of authenticity, of people and human rights and living life.
not that any of this applied to kazuha, of course.
~~
she picks up the apple, running her thumb over it. it’s smooth, a deep shiny red.
she brings it up to her nose, inhaling. it smells bittersweet - is it what it seems? will it taste as it should?
~~
“do i have something on my face?”
kazuha had gotten into a weird habit of zoning out. it only ever happened in two places - classes, and when she was with yunjin.
classes made sense - some professors droned on and on about their niche subjects that kazuha frankly had no interest in and was only learning to fulfill general requirements.
(a lot of it was also common sense - why newton was lauded for declaring that objects wouldn’t move if they weren’t touched was beyond kazuha)
yunjin, on the other hand, made no sense at all.
after all, kazuha loved being around yunjin. something about her made her feel so calm, so aware of herself, of her heart beating, of her own breathing. it was as if she entered a meditative state, mind and heart at peace. everything else faded away, and all that existed was her and yunjin.
“what? no,” kazuha quickly responded, blinking, shaking her head as if to wake herself up. “sorry,” she said, yawning, rubbing her eyes. “i think i’m just sleepy.”
this had become a regular occurrence - they’d be sitting, yunjin would be talking, and kazuha would end up zoning out while staring at her.
she usually lied about thinking about work, or yunjin’s melodious voice making her sleepy. the truth would make her friends think things about her, things that simply weren’t true.
(staring at yunjin’s eyes or lips and daydreaming about her was normal - the girl was practically a model, kazuha reasoned with herself)
yunjin just laughed, as she usually did, “please use this next weekend to catch up on some sleep,” she said.
“yes, ma’am,” kazuha brought her hand to her forehead, as if saluting. out of the corner of her eye, zuha saw chaewon raising her eyebrow, surprised - kazuha had slept early the night before, and her earliest class this morning was at 9, so she’d gotten plenty of sleep.
and then chaewon laughed.
“what?” sakura asked.
chaewon just shook her head, a small smile on her lips, “nothing.”
~~
and after that, the looks started - chaewon raising her eyebrow, or smirking, laughing out of nowhere. it always happened when yunjin was talking and kazuha ended up staring, as if in a trance. kazuha theorized that perhaps yunjin is descended from sirens, hence her voice drew people in, holding them, hypnotizing them.
(that wouldn’t explain why only kazuha was affected, but perhaps kazuha was descended from sailors. she hadn’t worked out that part of the theory yet)
yet chaewon seemed to have her own theories, and acted as if she knew some secret third thing that no one else in their group knew.
“you really don’t know?” chaewon asked her one night in their room. kazuha was brushing her hair, and chaewon was sorting out her backpack.
“know what?”
“you’re always staring at yunjin, it’s so obvious,” chaewon said.
kazuha frowned, “what’s so obvious?” she paused, debating whether she should tell chaewon her own theory. “is yunjin magical?”
and chaewon burst out laughing, doubling over, pressing her hands against her stomach. “oh god, what will i do with you?”
chaewon eventually managed to stop laughing, and once she caught her breath, she shook her head. “i guess i’ll just have to wait till you realize yourself.”
~~
there was another strange thing about yunjin as well. kazuha found that she was someone she just couldn’t say no to.
sakura or chaewon could ask if she wanted to go somewhere, to some event or restaurant, and kazuha would easily be able to refuse if she had homework or plans.
yet when it came to yunjin, her voice always stopped working. yunjin would ask if she wanted to go somewhere with her, and kazuha’s throat would dry up. yunjin would look at her, smile on her face, eyes sparkling, questioning, and kazuha would find herself nodding.
it was as if she was in a trance.
maybe yunjin wasn’t a siren. maybe she was a witch? or a vampire? or some other supernatural being with hypnotic powers?
(but why was only kazuha affected?)
her inability to refuse yunjin resulted in accompanying her to rainbow meetings regularly. kazuha told herself that yunjin had her in a trance, and that she was just supporting her friends and learning about the pre-vet track from hyunjung.
(she ignored the feeling of warmth and happiness spreading in her chest whenever she walked into the room, surrounded by flags)
she really did appreciate rainbow. sojung and hyunjung had become like older siblings for her, and she found herself messaging them occasionally with questions. they always responded enthusiastically, and kazuha was grateful for the guidance.
“hello everyone,” said sojung once everyone had gathered. it was another thursday evening, so there was another rainbow meeting. “today, as usual, we have a few different activities. over there,” she pointed to a corner of the room, “we have coloring sheets and markers for some quiet time, i know we’re dealing with midterms right now.”
“over here,” hyunjung started speaking, “we’re gonna have our discussion. we don’t have a set topic today, so we can talk about everything from halloween costumes for next week to religious trauma. your choice.”
there were a few giggles at that - hyunjung spoke very straightforwardly, and was generally awkward, always standing and looking around as if she was a prey animal avoiding predation. mentioning halloween costumes and religious trauma in the same sentence as if both were topics of equal weight was funny but also quite hyunjung, as kazuha had come to learn.
kazuha and yunjin walked over to the discussion circle, sitting down on a couch next to each other.
the discussion started lightly, people talking about their weeks, stressing about grades. to hyunjung’s delight, one person did mention their halloween costume (chappell roan).
“aah, that’s so nice,” exclaimed hyunjung, nodding. “i wanted to dress up like her, but alas i didn’t plan in time and now it’s too late to go shopping for a wig.”
“dye your hair,” suggested sojung.
hyunjung immediately frowned and shook her head, running her hands through her hair before patting her head, saying, “god, no. my hair is just now recovering after all the hair dye i’ve done. i’m not dying my hair for at least a few years.”
“so what are you dressing up as?” yunjin asked.
“just a cat,” said hyunjung. “we’re doing animal themes this year. this one is gonna be a lion, because it’s easy considering her hair.” she nodded to sojung.
“aww, that will be a cute costume,” said yunjin.
hyunjung smiled, “yeah.”
and so rainbow continued, light and fun discussions and conversation, and by the end of the hour, kazuha felt as if she had enough energy to run across campus and take an exam. there was something so energizing and refreshing about just sitting with a group of kind, accepting people and chatting.
at the end of the meeting, kazuha also made a point to talk to hyunjung. “could we grab a meal sometime? i have some questions about internships and classes.”
hyunjung nodded, “of course. just message me.”
kazuha grinned, “alright, i will.”
~~
a week later, kazuha and hyunjung met for lunch. it was a saturday, therefore relatively free and flexible for scheduling. they met at a dining hall in the college campus center, bustling with life and people.
hyunjung told kazuha about the classes she’d taken to fulfill various requirements and appeal to veterinary schools. kazuha was also delighted to learn about opportunities to volunteer at the local animal shelter, and the opportunity to shadow a veterinarian in town.
“i hope all of this was helpful,” hyunjung said after speaking, pausing to take a sip of water.
“it was so helpful, thank you so much,” said kazuha, flashing the other girl a grateful smile.
“umm, so,” hyunjung said, slightly awkward as always, “how is your first semester going? how have you been liking college?”
kazuha appreciated hyunjung’s effort to extend their conversation, considering she still had food on her plate. “it’s been really great, i feel like i’m at the right place for sure. and most of my classes are nice.”
hyunjung nodded, “that’s good, that’s good. what clas-”
hyunjung was then cut off by sojung, who had appeared by the table. she had a package tucked under her arm, and a grin on her face, “hi guys, can i join you?”
“oh, yeah, of course,” kazuha said, and hyunjung nodded.
“how’s it going?” sojung asked, putting down her plate and her package.
“good,” said hyunjung. “i was just telling her about my path for becoming a vet. and then i was gonna ask about college, and yunjin, but you interrupted me.”
“aah,” sojung nodded, laughing.
“wait,” kazuha frowned. “why would you ask me about yunjin?”
“she may not seem like it,” sojung said, “but hyunjung is a romantic, quite hopeless at that she’s a sap. she loves hearing people’s love stories.”
hyunjung shrugged.
“but there is no love story,” kazuha said, confused.
“aren’t you two dating?” asked hyunjung, looking equally confused.
“no?” kazuha said, shaking her head.
“you’re not?” sojung also seemed to be surprised. “oh. well. this is awkward.”
kazuha opened her mouth, before closing it again. she didn’t know what to say. did people think her and yunjin… did people think she was queer?
“i’m… i’m straight,” said kazuha.
“really?” hyunjung said, and sojung jabbed her with her elbow. “sorry,” the older girl said. “i don’t know why i just… im bad at reading people, to be honest.”
“yeah, yeah,” sojung agreed, still looking a little confused, “she’s like the most socially awkward person i’ve ever met.”
the connection between social awkwardness and thinking two people were dating wasn’t very clear to kazuha, but she chalked it up to hyunjung’s general awkwardness. kazuha was straight, very obviously straight, so hyunjung had probably just misunderstood because she went to rainbow. besides that, nothing indicated kazuha being anything other than straight.
(not that being queer was bad, kazuha just wasn’t queer. she couldn’t be)
hyunjung frowned. “i’m sorry to…” she paused, as if thinking. she looked confused, pained almost, as if she couldn’t comprehend something. “are you actually straight?”
kazuha nodded.
“huh,” said hyunjung, still looking deep in thought.
“that’s okay, obviously,” sojung said all of a sudden, nodding, making eye contact with kazuha. she no longer looked confused. sojung had become more calm, almost regal, as if taking charge of the situation to sort everything out. her eyes were reassuring, and also confident, as if she’d put some puzzle together, “and it’s also okay for that to change, or for feelings to be confusing. i’m not saying that yours are, i’m just saying that they can be generally.”
sojung then switched the topic to classes, and the three sat and discussed professors and essays, until they checked the time and realized they had work to do.
“see you around,” said kazuha, waving to the other two.
“bye,” hyunjung said.
“see you later,” said sojung, once again adopting an expression of reassurance and confidence. “just remember, we’re always here for any questions or discussion. just message us.”
kazuha had gone to eat with hyunjung feeling confident and knowing in who she was and what she wanted.
she walked back to her dorm room wondering if she knew herself at all.
~~
the following week passed in a blur of confusion and worrying. did people really think kazuha was dating yunjin? that kazuha had romantic feelings for yunjin?
part of kazuha felt that she couldn’t really blame them, as yunjin was truly ethereal, and the two went everywhere together. kazuha harboring feelings for the other girl wouldn’t be surprising, considering how close they were.
at the same time, however, that would require kazuha to be queer. to be not straight. and kazuha was straight.
she had to be.
~~
kazuha mentioned it to chaewon the following week.
the two of them were lying in their beds that evening, chaewon was scrolling on her phone, and kazuha was doing work on her laptop, submitting an assignment she’d neglected.
kazuha shut her laptop, looking at the ceiling, before glancing over at chaewon, who appeared to be stress free.
“i can feel you looking at me,” murmured chaewon, still engrossed in whatever she was looking at. she shut off her phone, putting it to the side, looking over at kazuha. “what is it? you’ve been really worried lately.”
not a question, but an observation. a statement. had kazuha’s worrying been that apparent to those around her?
“it’s just,” kazuha sighed. “it’s just been weird. navigating the yunjin effect, and i was talking to hyunjung and sojung last week, you know, the rainbow presidents?”
chaewon nodded, “yeah, they’re so nice.”
“yeah, they are,” kazuha agreed. “they’re incredible, but… they thought that yunjin and i, like our friend yunjin, they thought that the two of us were dating.”
chaewon didn’t say anything.
“i was just surprised,” kazuha continued. “and kind of concerned? does it really seem like we’re dating? i mean we’re good friends, but we don’t see each other that way.”
chaewon didn’t respond. she stayed silent for a few moments, before sighing. “zuha, honestly… i’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet.”
“figured what out? me and yunjin aren’t dating, i’d know if we were.”
“that’s not the point,” chaewon responded.
kazuha frowned, confused. “what do you mean?”
chaewon hesitated for a few moments, before speaking, “i didn’t want anyone to tell you, because really, you should figure it out on your own. but… i think by now, because of this conversation…”
zuha was puzzled. where was chaewon going with this?
“you like yunjin, don’t you?”
zuha froze, “i mean, we’re friends, so yeah.”
“no. not as a friend.” chaewon said. “you always stare at her eyes or her mouth when we’re all hanging out. you also never say no to her - yunjin could ask you to walk off a bridge with her and you probably would, enthusiastically at that. i mean, you say no to me when you have homework, but you always say yes to yunjin. it’s kind of romantic, and gross. honestly, you need to learn how to say no.”
zuha wanted to protest, to disagree, but she found that there wasn’t anything she could disagree with. chaewon wasn’t wrong. she’d always attributed her close friendship, the warmth that erupted in her chest around yunjin, to just that - friendship. yunjin was kind, funny, intelligent, caring… but as kazuha compared her feelings towards yunjin to her feelings towards her other friends, she didn’t feel this towards anyone else.
this warmth, this longing to be around her, this willingness to go anywhere with her… she only ever felt it around yunjin.
kazuha had always been someone who was overwhelmed if she spent too much time with someone. she needed her alone time, and she needed breaks from most people. yet when it came to yunjin, she couldn’t spend enough time with the other girl. she couldn’t get sick of her. it was almost frustrating, this need to always be around her, this feeling that life was dull when she wasn’t with yunjin.
but she’d always- she’d always thought she was straight. she’d liked boys, hadn’t she? she’d liked their hair… she’d liked… their clothes?
“are you okay?” chaewon’s voice broke zuha out of her own thoughts and agonizing.
“i-no? i don’t know?” zuha said, staring at the ceiling. she felt a strange sense of restlessness. she liked girls? liking yunjin felt natural, it made sense… yet yunjin was a girl. and liking girls? kazuha liked girls?
kazuha had always believed that love transcended superficial social categories, that it was too great to be constrained by something as arbitrary as gender. but she’d never thought that it applied to her. reflecting back, she could find moments of attraction to girls, but she’d still never- she’d never seen women as an option for herself.
to be fair, she had also never been allowed to see women as an option. she’d grown up in a god-loving (and fearing) household. she’d grown up learning that even from a scientific perspective, evolutionarily, she couldn’t like women. she’d grown up watching her parents turn off the television when pride parades were mentioned, watching them throw away the newspaper when same-sex marriage legalization was in the headlines.
zuha felt her stomach twisting into knots, she felt blood rushing to her face, and wet heat building behind her eyes, almost painful.
and then her vision blurred, she tasted salt, and she felt arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug.
“it’s okay, it’s okay,” chaewon said, “you’re okay. i obviously don’t know how your lived experiences have affected you, but i do know it’ll be okay. it’ll work out. girls are hot. this is normal.”
~~
she lifts the apple to her mouth. the room is so bright, the apple so shiny, it’s as if it’s glowing.
she hesitates, before sinking her teeth into it.
sweetness.
~~
the next day, kazuha met with sojung. she’d messaged her frantically after crying and worrying with chaewon, who was great company, but didn’t have the resources or experience kazuha needed. kazuha felt as if she was floating aimlessly, desperate for an anchor, desperate to be grounded.
“i…” kazuha trailed off, sitting in front of sojung, looking at the table, before glancing up at her.
sojung’s expression was kind, eyes warm. kazuha hadn’t said anything specific in her message, yet sojung still seemed to understand, ever perceptive and observant.
“you guys were right,” kazuha eventually said, not knowing how else to say what she wanted to. she wanted to be honest, to talk to sojung openly, to get advice and learn and figure out what this meant. she wanted reassurance, and guidance.
yet speaking made things real.
sojung nodded, thinking for a couple of moments, before speaking. “based on our last conversation, i figured you were still figuring things out. it’s quite a common experience to be, well, repressed.”
kazuha took a deep breath. “were you?”
“somewhat,” sojung responded, contemplative. “as a young child, i knew. but as i grew up, i tried to hide it, run away from it. it didn’t work, obviously, it never works. we are who we are, after all.”
“i never thought,” said kazuha. “i just never thought that i felt… this way. i don’t think i thought much about anything romantic in general. i just assumed that, well…”
sojung nodded, understanding. “in the society we live in, it’s easy to just assume we follow the norms. for those of us who don’t, it can be hard to figure out. i mean, some people don’t realize till they’re married.”
“it just feels… life-changing? it really shouldn’t, but it does,” kazuha said after a little bit.
“i…” sojung looked up at the ceiling, as if thinking about what to say, before looking back at kazuha. “i wouldn’t say it’s not life-changing, but it’s not life-ending. in the world we live in, with prejudice and legalities, it is something that changes lives. but that doesn’t mean you can’t live - you will still grow old and find people you love and live the life you want to live. it might just look a little different to how you envisioned it.”
kazuha nodded.
“and you’re valid for feeling negative feelings, or for repressing these feelings,” sojung continued. “as i said, the world we live in makes these things matter, it gets in our heads.”
zuha agreed, “for sure.”
“now, i will say this,” said sojung. “as corny as it is, you’re not alone. this is not a unique experience. my girlfriend, actually, had a similar experience, so i could totally put you in touch with her. and the college does provide counseling and therapy resources as well, if you want them.”
“thank you,” said kazuha, “for talking with me. id love to talk to your girlfriend.”
sojung flashed her a smile, warm as always. “of course.”
~~
and later that day itself, kazuha was able to meet sojung’s girlfriend. they met at a dining hall, sitting down to talk over college pizza and iced tea.
kazuha did, admittedly, feel a little intimidated. sojung had failed to mention that her girlfriend was as close to a goddess as one could be (besides yunjin, of course). zuha found herself wondering how she hadn’t realized sooner, considering women could look like that.
“nice to meet you,” she said, “i’m jiyeon. sojung’s girlfriend. studying fashion and theater.” she had long dark hair past her chest, and eyes that curved into half moons when she smiled. she also had a warm smile, like sojung.
“thanks for meeting with me,” said kazuha. “it’s nice to meet you, too.”
“ah, of course,” jiyeon said. “i don’t know if sojungie’s told you this, but you’re like a younger sister to her. and of course i would have to meet sojung’s sister.”
kazuha smiled, “that’s very sweet.”
“so…” jiyeon said, “i heard you’ve been figuring yourself out? sojung told me you were in denial, and i was also in a lot of denial for a long time.”
“what was it like for you?” kazuha asked.
jiyeon chuckled, taking a sip of her tea. “hmm, a lot of fake feelings for boys - any guy would have nice hair, or wear a good outfit, and i’d think i had feelings for him. a lot of denial of any feelings for women, as well. i’m a lesbian, by the way, so i think that made it really confusing. because i never really liked men, i only liked women, but i also didn’t know i could like women, and thought i had to like men… lord it really is a whole thing.”
kazuha nodded. “i think that’s what i did, for the longest time. i always thought i liked men, and when i liked girls i attributed it to friendship. it wasn’t till recently that i was forced to think about how friendship with someone was so intense.”
“ah, for sure.”
the two continued conversing about their experiences, and kazuha found herself feeling more secure. she was normal. this was normal. and it was also beautiful. women were beautiful.
“i do want to tell you though,” jiyeon said later on, “to be careful. i’m very lucky in that my parents have always been quite accepting, even before i came out. but not everyone is like that. i don’t know what your household is like, but if you’re unsure, wait till you’re financially independent.”
kazuha nodded, feeling her stomach beginning to twist. she always felt sick when thinking about her parents. she loved them, she was grateful for them, and she knew how lucky she was to have two people who loved her and took care of her so well. they’d sacrificed so much for her, poured so much love and money and encouragement into her upbringing.
but she also knew that they wouldn’t be okay. best case scenario, they wouldn’t talk about it, and would pretend. worst case scenario, she’d be disowned.
kazuha hesitated, not sure whether she should speak. she wanted to get it off her chest, to be heard. but she also didn’t want to say anything bad about the two people who had always been there for her, who were paying for her education. it made her feel guilty for her feelings, for having these conversations.
it was as if jiyeon understood telepathically. she gave kazuha a sympathetic smile, reaching over to pat her hand. “you’ll be okay. and i’m here for you.”
~~
that night, kazuha and her friends had a game night. it was also the first time kazuha was seeing yunjin after realizing she had feelings for her. kazuha had been pathetic around yunjin for months, but now that she was aware of it, she felt on edge.
“are you okay?” yunjin asked her at one point, as they approached the end of the game. kazuha had been bouncing her leg, which in itself wasn’t unusual, but she wasn’t talking as much as she typically did.
“what? yeah, of course,” kazuha said, forcing a smile onto her face, making eye contact with yunjin, before looking away.
yunjin squinted at her, “you’re being weird. guys,” she looked at chaewon, then at sakura, “she’s being weird, right?”
chaewon nodded, studying the cards in her hand, before looking up. “yes, for once, you’re right.”
yunjin sighed, “we will unpack that later. zuha, is everything okay?”
zuha bit her lip, thinking, before figuring, well, fuck it. “i’m gay. i realized over the past few days.”
“oh, congratulations!” yunjin exclaimed, immediately giving kazuha a hug, before looking around with a smile on her face. “come on, guys, this calls for celebration. i knew we were all a little fruity.”
sakura sighed, “calm down, fruit, and put your card down. we’re waiting. you’re taking forever.”
yunjin pouted, before putting a card down. “is no one else excited? we’re all gay, this is amazing.”
“i’ll have you know i’m actually bi,” chaewon said, “but i feel like zuha was very obviously gay from the start. you’re dense. if you were a fruit, you’d be a coconut.”
“come on, we all thought zuha was straight,” yunjin said. she glanced at her cards, putting one down, and then glancing around. “didn’t we?”
sakura laughed. “speak for yourself, coconut.”
that elicited a response from kazuha. chaewon picking up on her feelings for yunjin and subsequent lack of straightness made sense, considering they’d known each other for so long. she’d known sakura for a couple months, and while they were good friends, zuha hadn’t thought the other girl could read her like that.
yet sojung and hyunjung had also noticed.
kazuha buried her face in her hands, “god this is so embarrassing.”
sakura laughed harder, and chaewon chuckled. yunjin just looked confused.
“put a card down,” chaewon whined.
zuha glanced at her hand, before putting one down. “i feel so embarrassed.”
“i’m just confused,” yunjin said, as chaewon studied the two cards she was holding. “i thought i had-”
“uno,” said chaewon.
~~
after coming out, things felt… different.
kazuha eventually calmed down about her parents - she could now think of them without feeling sick.
yet… things had gotten weird with yunjin.
kazuha still struggled to not stare, and to say no to her. yet yunjin had started acting odd. she no longer said anything when she caught zuha staring, but she did look lost in thought sometimes when they were all hanging out, and constantly looked like she had a question she wanted to ask.
“is everything okay?” kazuha asked a few days after their game night. the four of them were sitting in the dining hall, eating dinner.
yunjin, who was usually enthusiastic about the mac n’ cheese (something the college did well, to their credit) was uninterestedly poking around her plate.
yunjin sighed.
“is this you being extra or is something wrong?” chaewon asked.
“i’m just kind of annoyed. and sad.” yunjin said, eyes still on her plate, lazily moving her fork around. she stabbed at a piece of macaroni, picked it up, looked at it, before putting her fork down.
sakura remained silent, and zuha wondered if she knew anything. she was yunjin’s roommate, after all, and likely her closest confidant.
and then sakura did speak up. “yunjin, i can’t watch this anymore. you too, kazuha. the two of you are absolutely useless.”
kazuha frowned, “this feels homophobic.”
chaewon, who was doing a poor job of hiding her amusement, addressed sakura. “i thought you didn’t want to meddle.”
sakura shook her head, before letting out a frustrated sigh. “yunjin here has been moping and miserable because she thinks zuha doesn’t like her.”
“what?” now kazuha was confused. “we’re literally friends.”
yunjin finally looked up. “exactly. at least when i thought you were straight it was fine because you didn’t like girls anyways. but now? life is so unfair. the girl i like is gay and doesn’t like me.” she sighed.
“you are dense,” said kazuha after a couple moments, processing the other girl’s revelation. “you’re literally the reason i realized i like girls.”
yunjin’s eyes widen, her mouth opens, she lifts her hands.
“is that really such a shock to you?” kazuha asked, furrowing her brows.
yunjin nodded her head animatedly, eyes still wide, mouth open. she put her hands on the table, before lifting them again and putting them on her head. then she covered her face, closing her eyes, before opening them again. “really? is this real? am i dreaming?”
“dramatic ass,” sakura muttered. yunjin scowled in response, but sakura was not having it. “kazuha stares at you 50 times a week. she wasn’t exactly subtle. now please, date, kiss, whatever. don’t break up, don’t come to me about your drama. i don’t want it.”
“i do,” chaewon jumped in. “i want to hear about how much of a loser yunjin is.”
“why are you all so mean to me?” yunjin whined.
“stop picking on yunjin, guys,” kazuha said.
chaewon coughed, “whipped.”
~~
the lights are off.
a red apple rolls on the floor, browning where a chunk has been bitten out.
the room is empty.