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You poke at the dying embers again, not out of any false hope that you’ll resurrect the campfire, but so you’re doing something with your hands. Anything to keep from biting your nails.
Siffrin was probably right, you should wear gloves.
Siffrin also told you, in no uncertain terms, not to think about finding a partner to be bonded with, at least until you get to Bambouche.
Yet here you are, awake and cold at who knows what time worrying about it when you need to be rested and aware in the morning.
You’ll be driving Tencendur and Veillantif tomorrow, as usual. They’re very well trained, and they know to follow the road, but being in charge of your only mode of transportation makes you nervous, especially considering you’re only borrowing them.
The moon is bright tonight, even though it’s just the tiniest sliver. It gives you a bit of comfort to know it’s always Changing up above you, even if most people don’t give it a second thought. You even know how and why it does. A bit of secret knowledge from Siffrin.
That bright star that always follows the moon around is there too. You sigh. Even the crabbing moon seems to have a bonded partner.
You hear a footstep behind you and whip around with a speed Lord Joséphandre would be proud of.
It’s too dark to make out any details, but you know that silhouette. It’s Isabeau. You can relax. “Aren’t you supposed to be in bed with Siffrin?”
You cringe. That came across so much more pointed than you intended it to. Are you… jealous of them? That they’re just… partners now, that they’ve figured out they love each other the way you can’t seem to love anyone? “Sorry Isabeau, I didn’t mean…”
Isabeau yawns as he takes a seat next to you. “Sorry Mira, I’m not really awake. What was that?”
Thank Change he didn’t catch that. He’d be understanding about it of course, but that would probably just make you feel worse. “I’m surprised you’re up. Is Siffrin all right?”
Isabeau rubs his eyes. You notice he has a blanket draped over his shoulders. Even this far north, it’s too cold to just wander around at night in nothing but nightwear. “They’re out like a light. I swear they sleep better on the ground than in bed.”
You think you can relate. On your journey to defeat the King, you rarely had the luxury of regular lodgings, and you had to get used to more makeshift accommodations. Usually a tent and a bedroll.
Although… Siffrin would have the opposite problem, wouldn’t he? One hundred seven loops about a day and a half each… he was trapped for longer than your whole journey. And that’s discounting the missing thirteen years.
It hurts your heart to think about.
“What’s on your mind, Mira?” Isabeau’s ability to know when something’s bothering you is uncanny as always.
Your shoulders slump. A part of you considers trying to pass it off as being worried about Siffrin, but there’s no sense in trying to hide it. “Can I ask you something… weird?”
He answers right away with the answer you knew he’d give you. “Of course.”
How do you get this across the right way? You breathe in, and out, like Siffrin does. “How do you, um… how do you know you love Siffrin?” Definitely not the right way. “I-I mean! I know you love him like family! We all do!” You’re digging yourself deeper. “Like… romantically?”
Oh Change, you really crabbed that up, didn’t you?
You’re trying to come with a way to apologize when Isabeau gently places a hand on your shoulder. “It’s all right, Mira. I think I understand.”
Does he? A feeling of dread begins building in the pit of your stomach. “You do?”
You brace yourself for something you’ve heard before. “You just know when you find the right person” or “you’ve never had a crush before?” or “are you trying to steal my partner?” or “do you want me to show you?” You shudder thinking about that last one. It only happened once, and thankfully didn’t go anywhere, but still…
“You sure this is something you want to talk about right now? You’re really tense all of a sudden.”
Isabeau won’t say those things. Of course he won’t. He was the first one to join you on your journey, and… your first real friend (as much as Siffrin insists Claude tried to be). You look to Isabeau. The firelight illuminates his features in dramatic fashion. “I’m sure.”
“Well, to be completely, one hundred percent honest, I didn’t know. For the longest time.” Isabeau shifts closer to you. He’s more than welcome to. The dying fire isn’t putting out all that much heat any more. “I guess I just kinda came to the conclusion that I wanted to make them happy more than anything else in the world somewhere along the way. After that I just had to work up the courage to ask if they wanted to try things out.”
Maybe you could… try things out with him and Siffrin?
Absolutely not. Even if they’d both agree to it, the thought alone is almost viscerally unpleasant. It would be. Wrong. Somehow.
Isabeau sighs wistfully. “Maybe… maybe if I hadn’t been such a crabbing coward and asked him sooner…” He suddenly jolts upright as he realizes what he said. “Ah! Sorry, Mira. Not what we’re talking about right now!”
It’s obvious this isn’t something he wants to talk about either. But you know how he feels. You should have noticed sooner. You should have said something when Siffrin told you your journey was “the happiest he could remember being.”
You let it go. It’s a conversation for another time. Back to how you feel like you were put together wrong. “But… I want you and Siffrin and Odile to be happy, and I’ve never felt like I wanted to… try things out with any of you.” You sigh. “I guess… I guess I feel like I should want that.”
Again, you prepare yourself for one of the awful responses you’ve heard too many times before.
Even though you know Isabeau won’t say any of them.
You hope Isabeau won’t say any of them.
Maybe you shouldn’t have brought this up to Isabeau. Maybe you should be having this conversation with Siffrin. They don’t follow the Change belief.
Even though…
No. They didn’t mean what they said. They were going through something more terrible than you want to imagine. They regret what they said. They probably feel worse about it than you do.
You start as Isabeau speaks. His voice is… solemn, all of a sudden. “Mira, I really think I understand.”
You look up to meet Isabeau’s eyes in complete and utter disbelief. “You do?”
It’s hard to tell in this light, but you think he blushes as he looks away. “Well, yeah, I. I guess I kinda. Felt the same way for the longest time? Until I met Sif, anyway.”
Oh. Oh no. This is the part where he says you just haven’t found the right person. You really, really crabbing thought you could talk to Isabeau about this. You look away.
Don’t cry, this isn’t a betrayal. You’re just… wrong. It’s probably why you don’t want to Change too. And you fooled everyone into thinking you were a good little Housemaiden. Even though you defeated the King, even though you saved Vaugarde—
“I guess what I’m saying is… if I don’t want to be together with anyone but Sif, I don’t see why there can’t be people who don’t want to be together than anyone, if that makes any sense?” You feel Isabeau’s arm relax around your shoulders. His voice lowers to a whisper. “I’m just glad I’m not alone.”
Oh Isabeau. You throw your arms around him and start weeping into his shoulder. Neither of you are alone. You manage to say, in between sobs, “I’m glad we found each other.”
He’s crying too. “I guess it… it was a bit of a miracle we did.”
You don’t know if he intended it, but you think his miracle pun is pretty funny.