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A new not so fun fact Jeongin learnt against his will was that waking up after your heart was broken the night before feels worse than a hangover - like 5 times worse. His head hurt from crying and his heart hurt from… well the heartbreak. Chan had broken his heart in the most gentle way possible and this was painful in its own cruel way.
And if that torture was not enough already - there was the guilt towards Felix.
Felix had offered to be the bandaid for his broken heart and for a moment Jeongin had considered taking up his offer. The blonde‘s kisses were sweet, they reminded Jeongin of the candy he used to get at the doctor after getting vaccinated as a child. But just like the sweetness of the candy only let young Jeongin temporarily forget the ache in his arm, it did not take long for the ache in adult Jeongin‘s heart to return.
Eventually he pushed his friend away. He was ready to apologise yet Felix put a finger on his lips and said: „It‘s okay. I told you that you make the rules.“
A part - the one Jeongin wanted to call sane - of him wanted to leave the bed, to leave Felix‘ room and sleep on the sofa in the living room yet a more dominant voice in his head demanded him to stay, to give Felix at least his presence even if it meant using his friend again, just in another way. There was no way to win, to do it right anyway.
He let Felix wrap his arms around him and in the end the familiar closeness lulled him to sleep.
Still when Jeongin woke up he was glad that the bed was empty - and cold - beside him, meaning that the older one must have left some time ago.
It gave him a moment to think and let the pain sweep through his bones. It was nowhere pleasing - but also grounding in a way. Waking up like this meant it was real. It was not just a bad dream. And all of this sucked so much.
He had brought this on himself by confessing to Chan but he knew it was better this way. Silently crushing on his leader had given him nothing but pain and stress. Sure, confessing brought the same side effects just ten times worse but it also gave him a path to closure - one that took him from the bottom of the Mariana Trench to the top of Mount Everest but it was there. A long road of healing from the heartbreak and rebuilding his friendship with Chan - and Felix - anew.
But for now, Jeongin decided to stay in the Trench. His heart hurt and he was simply not ready yet… he was allowed to wallow in self pity for a time. Hyunjin had told him so years ago when another crush of Jeongin had ended up being one-sided. Young Jeongin had wanted to move on but the wound had been still fresh. His friend had stopped him and let him hurt for a bit. “Letting yourself feel the pain helps with healing - burying everything will turn you into Channie-hyung.”, Hyunjin had said back then.
Another fun fact that Jeongin had learnt against his will had been that being a successful idol did not prevent you from having your crush not reciprocated. Sure it only happened twice so far which is not a lot but nonetheless it sucked. Life was indeed unfair. Felix’ song had a point.
Ultimately, Jeongin got up. He was not hungry or anything but staying in Felix‘ bed all day was not the best idea. He did not want Felix to suffer from his own one sided crush on him more than necessary. One heartbroken member was enough for this group and the last thing Jeongin wanted was to be responsible for this. No matter what Felix himself had offered, Jeongin was somewhat determined to fix the chaos he had created - in his own pace and way.
To his surprise Jeongin found Seungmin in the kitchen, making coffee.
”Morning hyung. Where is Yongbok?”
”Morning. He is at PT for his back.” The slightly older one handed Jeongin a cup. “So Chan-hyung ripped your heart out?”
”In the gentlest way possible.” Despite never telling Seungmin about his crush for the leader, it was actually no surprise that he had caught on. Seungmin had his ways to always know everything, he had learnt from the best - Minho.
”Sounds like him.”
Still Jeongin felt guilty - again - this time for not telling his best friend about this. ”Sorry that I didn’t tell you… I know we tell us everything but I didn’t want anyone to know. That Hyung had noticed it was already a surprise to me.”
”It’s fine. I think he only caught on it because of his own little obsession with you.”
”So you know about the love triangle, too?”
“Jeongin-ah, a real love triangle would be if Chan-hyung was in love with Felix and I’m not even sure if the old man is even capable of allowing himself to love.”
”Hey that’s mean.” Chan was perfectly capable of loving. He loved his job, he loved cooking, he loved Stays, he loved them… just not in the way Jeongin loved him.
”You know what I mean.” The singer sighed. “Anyway, you are welcome to stay here longer, you know that? I will roll out the air mattress in my room, so that you don’t have to be Felix’ oversized teddy bear.”
“Thank you…” Even though both of them were not the biggest fans of physical affection, Jeongin pulled Seungmin into a hug. He needed that and Seungmin quickly wrapped his arms around him and squeezed him tightly - as if he wanted to squeeze out all pain from his friend.
—
Finally it took Jeongin only until the new week to return to his own dorm.
Unfortunately the whole group had caught up with what happened by now - thanks to Chan himself apparently cause that man looked so guilty when he explained Jeongin’s absence on the day after the confession, that only a few questions - and threats - from Minho had been necessary for him to spill the truth - Seungmin had explained this later that night while laughing so hard that he nearly dropped from the sofa. According to him Chan had looked like a kicked puppy at that moment.
Felix had not said much on that day, he seemed to be content with petting Jeongin’s hair as if he was a real little fox.
To his surprise however, the members did not go overboard with their reactions.
Seeing their leader dealing with a new type of guilt seemed to be enough of a punishment - the group had really become adults.
Yet Changbin claimed - and it was emphasised by Jisung - that Chan’s favourite kind of Protein had been sold out everywhere and there was only his least favourite kind available, was childish - and absolutely hilarious. His hyungs were weird, but he loved them nonetheless.
So when he finally returned to the dorm - the first huge step on his mission to move on - Jeongin felt okay about it. He was not fine, the heartbreak was still there, but he knew he could deal with it, with Chan eventually. Sure they have interacted in a professional setting already - not more than necessary, but still it was a start.
However, everything gave Jeongin a lot to think about too.
More than how to deal with everything related to Chan moving forward, Jeongin was worried about Felix. The blonde one had seemed fine when Jeongin was staying at his dorm, yet he could not help but suspect that it was nothing more than a facade.
He did not want Felix to go through the same thing as he did right now because he was sure it would hurt him so much more. He had used Felix already in a weak moment, he let the blonde one kiss him even though he already knew that Felix had feelings for him. It had been another one of Jeongin’s typical clumsy mistakes, one that surely hurt Felix more than the guilt that had attached itself to Jeongin’s conscience.
If it were him, Jeongin would have a hard time dealing with it too, but Felix was more emotional than him. He felt everything and especially love so much deeper. It was a quality that Jeongin originally liked about the blonde one. Jeongin tended to rationalise a lot after some time had passed but Felix did not, he always allowed himself to feel. No matter how silly Jeongin felt about liking something or someone, Felix had been his cheerleader, the one who showed him it was absolutely valid to feel any kind of adoration. Hence, Jeongin feared that Felix might feel a heartbreak deeper, too. And Felix did not deserve to feel this. He deserved the world - even if Jeongin could not give it to him.
Yet this made his mind go back to Chan.
Did the leader feel like this too when he rejected Jeongin?
Did he also spend the last days wondering how to ease Jeongin’s pain?
Or did he just drown in his guilt complex like always that Jeongin might also develop soon if he did not find a solution on how to make Felix feel less bad?
Moving in with Chan had been the worst idea ever…
A knock on his room door pulled Jeongin from his thoughts - Chan was back home. “Yes?” There was no point in running away anymore. He had done that enough the last few days. It had been nothing more than a temporary solution anyway. They were in the same group, they had to work together and Jeongin had to get used to the new situation.
Chan opened the door, but hesitated to step into the room. “Welcome back home.”
”Thanks hyung.” It was awkward. They both did not seem to know how to deal with the other one. Jeongin’s heart still did somersaults seeing Chan, yet instead of effect somersaults it did clumsy ones, crashing on the floor in the most painful way.
“Jeongin-ah, I wanted to apologise -“ Of course he wanted to do this. Hello again Bang Chan’s infamous guilt complex. Long time no see.
”Don’t.”
For a second the older one seemed to be taken aback. “But I-“
”Hyung, you don’t have to. You don’t have the same feelings for me and that hurts yes, but this is no reason for your guilt complex to go wild again. Honestly, when I told you I kind of expected that to happen.” That was why Jeongin had taken so long to gather the courage to confess. He always knew the outcome.
”And yet you were brave enough to tell me.” Chan’s expression seemed pained as if he was still blaming himself.
”Or rather stupid enough.”
“Don’t ever think or let anyone tell you your feelings are stupid.” Suddenly two strong arms wrapped themselves around Jeongin causing him to be a bit startled. “Oh sorry, I-“
”Don’t apologize, hyung.” Being hugged by Chan felt good, a little too good, yet to Jeongin’s surprise there was no ache in his heart. Maybe it would come later, hitting him like a train at full speed but not at this moment. He felt loved, cared for - just not in the same kind he loved Chan. “Yongbok-hyung said the same thing.That my feelings are not stupid and such.”
”That’s my Lixie.” For a second Seungmin’s comment regarding a real love triangle flashed in Jeongin’s mind, but he pushed the thought away. It was absurd. Life was not some romance drama with such twists and turns. “He gave me a hard time, you know? He really cares for you.”
‘He cares too much…’ Yet Jeongin decided not to voice this thought.
“Everyone cares for you, including me. So if there is anything I can do…”
Liking Jeongin back was obviously not an option as much as Jeongin’s heart still wished for it. “Just give me time, okay? It’s still fresh but I will be over it eventually. It’s not my first heartbreak, you know? I survived the other ones, too. You don’t love me the way I love you, I get it. It is no reason for you to feel bad.”
A sad smile appeared on Chan’s face. “You really became an adult in no time, Innie-ya? The way you handle this all, I could never.”
”Yeah you would lock yourself into the studio and produce three new albums for us, full of heartbreak songs.”
”Sounds about right.” They both had to laugh about this which felt good. It was also somewhat weird, but it felt good. “But what I wanted to say is that I’m proud of you Innie-ya. You really became a great guy.”
”Now you sound like my dad.”
”Shit, I really do, don’t I?” Chan laughed again and his ears turned red, like every time he was embarrassed about something. Jeongin still could not help but think this was cute. “Anyway, I hope I’m the last one to break your heart and the next time you confess, it will have the happy end you deserve.”
On the one hand, Jeongin was frustrated with how nice Chan was about it. A part of him wanted to antagonise the leader for breaking his heart, but he just could not. Because he also knew that this was the best and most mature way to be rejected, not just for his own sake but also for the sake of Stray Kids, the group they both were a part of and loved.
“You too, hyung. I hope you get your happy end, too.”
”Aish, you are too precious, Innie-ya.” Apparently Jeongin’s words ignited some kind of cuteness aggression in the leader because suddenly not only was he cuddled tightly again, Chan also ruffled his hair - which he knew Jeongin normally hated. But for today he let it happen.
—
Talking with Chan had felt right, like the next step on his way out of the heartbreak, yet it still did not mean that Jeongin was fine. The ache in his heart was still present, just like his worry about Felix.
Furthermore, his talk with Chan gave him a lot to think about regarding Felix, yet he still could not find a conclusion.
He hated that Chan tried to apologise, yet he wanted to apologise to Felix because he felt like Felix needed this unlike Jeongin who believed himself to be more rational. He did not want Chan to treat him too carefully, yet he found himself to be more careful around Felix.
The only conclusion he reached was to get advice from somewhere. Someone who could help him sort his thoughts and help him on the way to reach a conclusion.
Chan and Felix were obviously no options.
Felix was Minho’s favourite human cat, so if he even hinted that he might break Felix’ heart, the dancer would put Jeongin into the air fryer - but at 200 degrees and for 30 minutes.
Hyunjin and Changbin were even worse regarding Felix - and him to some extent. The two would probably try to play matchmaker for him and Felix, instead of giving substantial advice.
Jisung was… Jisung. It was not that he disliked his hyung, but he just could not imagine Jisung giving him any helpful advice in this regard.
And Seungmin would just sigh and wish he was in a group with less relationship drama - a sentiment Jeongin shared, but unfortunately he had somehow brought himself into the centre of that drama.
This left only the option: someone from the outside.
He met Beomgyu in a nice cafe not too far from his dorm. It felt nice to catch up with his old friend. He had been too long with both of their schedules being packed full.
”Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be into the dad-type of guys.” Beomgyu said with a cheeky grin after Jeongin finished his story.
”Hey, I’m not!”
”Yeah sure.” The wink that followed was absolutely unnecessary and Jeongin was close to throwing one of the napkins at his friend. “I know at least ten people who would kill to be at your place in Yongbok-hyung’s heart so if you want we could arrange something...”
”I don’t know…” Of course Jeongin wanted Felix to get over his feelings as easily as possible yet somehow it did not feel right to set up dates for him, especially not behind his back.
”Okay then let’s focus on you first. The best thing after a heartbreak is to put yourself on the market again, even for just one night. You need to feel wanted again.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s what people do after a breakup.”
”Pretty much the same thing. You need to feel loved and wanted again.”
The funny thing was Jeongin felt both things.
He felt loved by his hyungs, even by Chan, just not in the same way he loved him.
Also, he felt wanted, unlike during the day the whole dorm misunderstanding happened. He knew Felix wanted him despite the baggage he was currently carrying around. Chan had wanted him as his roommate and had not kicked him out despite the failed confession.
So what else could a stranger give him other than something physical? Sure it might be a night of guilt free fun, but the years in the industry had given Jeongin a certain uneasiness regarding hookups. Maybe he was not followed by Dispatch but it did not mean the other person was also not followed.
If he had been a normal 24 year old who had a one sided crush on his hot coworker while his other hot coworker had a one sided crush on him, he would have totally agreed to Beomgyu’s idea. Yet he was an idol with a busy schedule and most likely way too curious paparazzi behind him. “No thanks.”
”You are not fun.”
”I guess… But the tour, the ambassador shootings and all, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Exactly that’s why I think you need a night of fun without any strings attached. To feel alive and away from the group that is likely giving you grey hairs already.”
Jeongin knew that his friend meant well, yet it did not feel like the solution he was looking for. He was still looking for a conclusion, not another bandaid. “Maybe another time.”
—
With the days passing Jeongin found himself getting used to what he called his ‘new normal’.
The ache in his heart around Chan was still there, but it was somewhat dull. The knife was not plunged into his heart anew each time he faced Chan, it just… stayed there. It gave Jeongin hope that eventually it was pulled from his heart for once and for all.
Felix acted around him like always on the first glance, yet Jeongin could feel his Felix’ eyes on him constantly. Felix also seemed more attentive towards him, making sure that he always had a water bottle close by during practice - and a towel in case he spilled his water again.
Meanwhile Jeongin tried to treat people the exact way Chan was treating him - normal, like a friend, as if nothing ever happened. He was still unsure whether it was the right decision yet he remembered the golden rule from his childhood Sunday classes “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Hence, if he did not want Chan to treat him as something fragile just because of a broken heart, it only felt right to act the same regarding Felix.
However he had to admit he spent less time than before at the Daengnyang dorm. Sure, they still regularly played games together but usually Jeongin logged into the game from his own bedroom.
Wanting to do better Jeongin decided to go over one afternoon for a surprise visit. As far as he knew they all had the afternoon off, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.
Yet when he entered the other dorm, it was surprisingly quiet. “Minnie? Yongbok?”
”In my room.” Only Felix’ voice replied and the tone of his voice made Jeongin worried. He did not sound well.
The younger took his shoes and coat off and made his way towards the room and indeed he found Felix in his bed, looking somewhat in pain. “Your back again, hyung?”
”Yes…”
”Can I do anything for you?”
”Can you get me the heating pillow?”
”Sure.”
After Felix’ diagnosis a few years ago all of them had tried to learn the basics on how to help him. The heating pillow was usually the simplest pain reliever. “Anything else?”
”Keep me company?”
”Of course.” Uncertain what to do, Jeongin sat down on Felix’ gaming chair, just for the other one to look slightly disappointed.
”Come here.”
”But - “
“You won’t hurt me. The bed is big enough for both of us.” And because Felix could still play dirty in his state he used his best puppy eyes on him that no one ever could refuse.
Carefully Jeongin laid down next to his friend who immediately slid closer to him. “Where is Minnie-hyung?”
“Oh of course you were here to see him…”
”No, to see both of you. It’s been a while since I was over.” Guilt clawed itself at Jeongin’s conscience again. He had made Felix feel bad when he had tried the exact opposite. “I’m glad I’m here now, so that you don’t have to be alone.”
“Really?”
”Really.”
A small smile grazed Felix which in turn made Jeongin hope he did at least one thing right. No matter what Felix was still his friend and he hated to see his friends suffer.
“How is everything going with Chris? You seem fine when everyone's around but how is it when it’s just you two?”
”It’s… okay. Honestly, we barely spend time with just the two of us. You know he is either in the studio or at the gym and if he is returning home early and I’m home early I’m usually gaming with you or Minnie-hyung.”
”And is that really okay for you?”
That was a good question. Jeongin knew he was still playing safe, maybe he even somewhat avoided Chan. Chan had asked him whether he wanted to have another roommate bonding night, with them eating together and watching a movie together, but so far Jeongin had declined. Chan seemed to understand but he had also looked somewhat pained.
”I’m not sure… I’m still too scared to go back to how it was. I think I made some progress in accepting that he doesn’t feel the same as I do and the pain and the feelings get less, but I really don’t want to risk destroying the progress, you know?”
”Seems smart.”
Jeongin was not sure whether it was actually smart. It was something yes, but he had not figured out whether he wanted to attach a positive attribute to that something. ”How do you do it?”
”Do what?”
”Deal with those one-sided feelings for me.” Perhaps he should not ask, perhaps he messed up greatly at this moment, yet Jeongin was curious. Felix seemed from the outside so much more put together than he felt.
”Who says they are one-sided forever?”
”What?” That was literally the last answer Jeongin had expected. He had expected anything from some online wisdom to Felix declaring he had given up on him already long ago.
”I’m not the one who gives up easily, so I will patiently wait for the day you realise that I’m the one for you.”
“No way.” Jeongin felt like he was trapped in some kind of alternate reality. There was no way, this was real right now. Especially when Felix started to laugh like crazy.
”You should see your face Innie-ya.” Jeongin really wanted to hit him but for the sake of Felix back, he held back - for now. “I told you before that all I want for you is to be happy.” Felix said after he had finally calmed down. “And if I am not the one who makes you happy as your romantic partner, then I will do so as your friend.”
”But how is that so easy for you?” Sure the feeling of wanting the other one to be happy was mutual, but Jeongin was struggling even on the platonic level with his knowledge. It should be a hundred times worse for Felix.
“It’s not easy, but since I watched you falling in love with Chris before my eyes I guess I had more time to accept it? You had everything thrown at you in a single moment… Plus my feelings for you. Sorry again for this.”
”Stop apologising! Seriously, what’s with you Australians and your constant apologising for things that are not your fault? My feelings are my problem.”
”Your feelings are not a problem, they are valid.”
“Hyung…” It was frustrating how perfect Felix was. How was that even possible as a human? Jeongin wondered. His hyung must be an actual angel or something similar.
”I still mean it. I will be whatever you need to be happy again. Your friend, a bandaid or everything else. Tell me and I will give it to you.”
”You’re disgustingly selfless.”
”Or just a masochist.”
That was the statement Jeongin could fully agree with. Felix seemed to be a masochist who kept on hurting himself for the ones and things he loved. And Jeongin wanted nothing more to take his pain away and give him the happiness he deserved. “You should be more selfish. You deserve happiness, too, you know?”
”But I am happy.”
”Don’t lie to me please.”
”Okay, not right now, with the back pain and all. But my life could be worse.”
”And it could be better for you. Be more selfish, please hyung.”
For a moment Felix stayed quiet, but then he said with a smile which was as bright as the winter sun: “Then go on a date with me, Yang Jeongin. Let’s go to a stylish cafe and walk at the Han river at night.”
”Okay.” He had told Felix to be more selfish, so it would be wrong to deny him. Also, it was not too different from their usual days out. They had done the same thing in Japan, when they used their day off to go to Kyoto: visiting some cafes and walking along the Kamogawa. Nothing out of the ordinary, right?
—
Additional fun fact that Jeongin learnt: Once your friend declares something that is like your usual outing is not your usual outing but a date, things suddenly turn complicated because it does not feel like your usual outing anymore.
Long story short: Jeongin’s brain somewhat short-circulated on the day of the date.
He had no idea what to wear, how he was supposed to act and whether he should pay, Felix should pay or they just pay whatever they order for themselves.
Not knowing any better - and not to involve any other member in this - he called Beomgyu for help.
”Okay let me repeat. So instead of having a night of fun with no strings attached to forget your worries, you agreed on a date with the member who caused half of your worries, just because you felt guilty?”
”No because I told him to be selfish and it would be rude to say no when I more or less told him to do this.”
”No, you told him to be selfish, not to take you on a date. Your group really needs a lesson on communication but well… Not my group, not my problem.”
”You are such a help…”
“Okay I mean Felix is a safe option to blow some steam off. If it stays in the group, it cannot leak.”
”Beomgyu!”
”But yes the feelings part, I get it.”
”You are still not helping.” Jeongin began to doubt whether he had called the right person.
”I’m not a fan of keeping things in the group to be honest, but looking at the state of your group… two couples already and a third one incoming, you guys are just insane.”
“Which third one?”
”You and Felix, seeing or rather hearing you act like this, he will have you in his hands in no time.”
”What?”
”I guess there are worse things than being guilt tripped by Lee Felix into dating him. As I said, I know a bunch of people who would kill to be you.” Yes, Jeongin had called the wrong person, but it was too late now.
”He did not guilt trip me.”
”Sure… Anyway, just act natural. He is already hopelessly in love with you, so what can go wrong?”
”I’m never asking you for help ever again.”
After this not so helpful call, Jeongin decided he needed a snack. He was pretty sure there was still some pudding left in the fridge.
To his surprise he found Chan in the kitchen. Normally he would be still in the studio at this time. ”Jeongin-ah! Do you want to eat with me?”
”Sorry, I’m going to eat with Yongbok later.”
For a second the older one seemed confused. “But Felix has a date? He told me earlier that he wants the evening off for this…”
”Well…” Jeongin felt a blush creeping onto his face.
”You are his date?” The younger one nodded. “That’s… an interesting development.”
”Yeah it is…” Another problem added itself to Jeongin’s list of the night: How do you explain to your ex-crush who is also your group member and leader that you suddenly go on a date with another member?
“You like him? I’m glad you are over -“
”I don’t know.”
”What?”
”I don’t know how I feel. I want Yongbok-hyung to be happy and he was happy when I agreed but I’m not sure whether my feelings are platonic or not.” As weird as it was to confess this all to Chan, his ex - maybe a little bit still crush, it felt right to tell someone about his conflicted feelings. Despite all that happened, Chan had always been the voice of reason in this chaos that was their life.
Beomgyu on the other hand had been no help and Jeongin could not blame him. He was still young, and had never experienced such a mess in his life. In a way Jeongin envied him for his much more simple life and current worries.
“Does he know?”
”He knows that I don’t currently feel the same way about him as he does about me.”
”And yet you agreed?” Chan’s voice seemed to be free of judgement. It was more like he tried to understand the whole situation.
”Yes, because I told him to be selfish and he deserves to be happy.”
”And you think you can make him happy?”
”I don’t know.” Jeongin was conflicted about this. One side in his mind said yes because Felix had been happy when he agreed, so the mission was successfully completed already. The other side called everything ridiculous and attached a new brick of guilt to his conscience. “I don’t know but I want to find out whether I can do it.”
”I see.” For a moment the only sound in the dorm was the sound of the meat sizzling in the frying pan. “You thought a lot about it, didn’t you?”
”I did and I reached no conclusion.”
”I see.” Another moment of silence. “Jeongin-ah, I don’t want any of you two getting hurt in this. The warning signals are going crazy in my head, but you two are old enough to make your own decisions now as much as I hate to say this. So I won’t stop you even though I think this idea is very bad.”
”Thanks hyung.”
”Don’t do anything reckless.”
”I won’t. Believe me when I say I don’t want Yongbok not getting hurt as much as you don’t want this.”
”So this is not because I rejected you?”
”If you hadn’t rejected me, I might never know about his feelings, but the reason I agreed to this date is solely Yongbok himself. I’m doing this for him.” This was the only thing Jeongin was actually sure about. Even if he had never confessed to Chan and still carried those feelings inside of his heart, he would have agreed to go out with Felix just to make him happy.
”Good.”
Yet to say the talk was nerve wracking was an understatement. Jeongin knew that this was the leader, their oldest talking, but it made him only more insecure regarding everything. Certainly, he was doing it for Felix but the fear of screwing up was stronger than before.
Forgotten was his pudding craving, instead he took his bag and coat and made his way to their meeting spot.
When Felix eventually arrived, his smile rivaled the sun. While Jeongin had opted for something lowkey - his favourite cap, a hoodie and dark jeans, Felix‘ outfit reminded Jeongin more of his friend‘s airport fashion: a white fleece coat - that made Felix look way too adorable - along with light grey pants.
“Innie-ya! I hope you didn’t wait too long.”
“No, don't worry.” Unfortunately, it did not come out as enthusiastically as he hoped it would which in turn made Felix raise an eyebrow.
“Everything okay? If you don’t want this…”
“No no, I want this. There is just a lot on my mind.”
Together they made their way to the cafe that Felix had picked beforehand. It was hidden in an alley far from the main roads - the perfect place for an idol date.
“Pick what you want. Hyung pays!” Felix declared before Jeongin could even take a look at the menu.
“But hyung…”
“It was my idea and I want to spoil my Innie.”
There was no way one could argue against Felix. The blonde one always got what he wanted. “Okay.”
In the end they decided to share a plate of fruit pancakes while Jeongin picked an iced americano for himself and Felix got a hot chocolate. It was like always and at the same time it was not.
“So what has been on your mind? Whatever it is, you can tell me.” First and foremost Jeongin and Felix always had been friends and no matter how this night would end, Jeongin wanted to continue to cherish this friendship and kept it going.
“It’s Chan…”
“You still not over him? Or did he bring home anyone?”
“Do you really believe he would do that? Chan-hyung bringing someone home?”
“Right. That’s not gonna happen during this lifetime.” They both had to chuckle about this thought. “So you are not over him yet?”
“No… I dunno. There is still some ache in my heart but it’s getting better.”
“I’m glad.”
“He asked me today whether I want to eat with him but I told him I would be meeting you.”
“Oh so he knows we are on a date? Sorry I had to tell him that I’m going on a date or else he wouldn’t let me do the recording tomorrow… Do you have a problem with him knowing?”
Did he? Not really. Sure only Beomgyu - and Chan - knew about the date but this was simply because Jeongin did not want any of the other members to have any expectations about the outcome and/or mess with them. “I guess not but he has a problem it seems.”
“Let me guess, he started to worry too much.”
“Exactly.”
“I can’t believe you thought this worrywart is hot! I mean sure his muscles are hot but he is such a worrywart. If you want muscles I would rather recommend Binnie-hyung but Jinnie was faster…”
“Hyung!”
“No seriously why? You never told me why. I’m curious.”
“Are you really okay with knowing?” With his current knowledge it always felt strange to discuss his feelings for their leader with Felix.
“Sure, I still need to know how to win your heart.” Also, it did not help when Felix was winking at him with a seemingly confident smile.
“No Yongbok. I don’t want you to copy just to win me over. You should do it your way.” Swiftly the smile was replaced by an astonished expression on the blonde one’s face.
“Oh my god.” He said in English before continuing in Korean. “When did my clumsy Innie-baby become so smooth? If you keep talking like this, the suitor line for you will be super long. Needless to say, I will still be at the front.”
“You are just whipped, hyung.” Sometimes Felix was impossible - yet Jeongin would not want him in any other way.
“Sorry not sorry. And it works. I can see you smiling.”
“Hm?”
“As I said a thousand times before, I want to make you happy. If my silly flirting helps to make you laugh, my mission is complete.”
“You are crazy.”
“Crazy for you? Always.”
“Did you take lessons from Changbin-hyung? I’m sure that’s how he flirted with Hyunjin-hyung.”
“I watched and learnt.” That’s when both of them broke out laughing because of how hilarious everything was. This was absolutely not how they would actually flirt.
Eventually they finished their pancakes and drinks and made their way to the Han river. Naturally, the river that went right through Seoul was not as secluded as a cafe in a back alley but it was already dark outside and too many other people had the same idea. Sometimes the best way to hide was not to hide but to blend in with the masses. It did not take long for them to find a nice spot near the river and enjoy the nightly skyline.
“But seriously hyung. I would rather have you copy Changbin-hyung’s cringy pick up lines than this whole selfless act… I appreciate what you tried to do for me but you need to care for your own feelings, too. If I had taken up your offer, I would have only hurt you.” The thought weighed on Jeongin‘s heart for long. “The whole time I was worried if I hadn’t crossed a line already. Like okay I was feeling like shit already but you didn’t deserve to suffer, too.”
“Jeongin-ah, I’m not as fragile as you think. I knew what I was doing and my offer was not as selfless as you think, it was peak selfishness. I thought if I cannot have you for real then I want you for a night or two. I wanted to take everything from you that I could get so that I had something to live off as long as possible.” The whole time Felix did not long at him, instead his gaze seemed to be fixated on the other side of the river. “I’m not as much of an angel as you and everything else thinks.”
“I know. But you are still pretty close, especially in this outfit.”
Finally Felix looked at him. “Yang Jeongin, are you flirting with me?”
“If you consider telling the truth as flirting, then yes.”
“The line for your hand in marriage is gonna be long for real.” The older one said while lightly slapping Jeongin’s shoulder. “And seriously, did anyone ever tell you that you are a good kisser?”
”Yes Jisung-hyung and Kyehoon told me that.”
”I still can’t believe Sungie got to kiss you years before I did!”
The two bickered a bit longer before a comfortable silence fell between them. However, Jeongin’s mind was not quiet. Just like the days or maybe even weeks before a million thoughts circulated in his head and all of them were centred around one person: Felix.
The date was fun so far and he managed to get a lot off his chest. The communication within his group was not as bad as Beomgyu regarded it.
The guilt was not as strongly attached to his conscience as before. Sure, he did not believe Felix fully that he had not hurt him at all but Felix indeed seemed content with the way everything was right now. Jeongin did not dare to believe his friend was truly happy, it felt too far-fetched somehow.
But Jeongin himself? He was happy at that moment. He had a good time, everything that had weighed on him felt lighter and he knew deep inside of his heart that no matter what would happen eventually his and Felix’ friendship would still be a thing.
It should not have taken Jeongin by surprise when Felix sneakingly took his hand and intertwined their fingers. A warmth spread from the intertwined fingers throughout his body, something Jeongin tried to rationalise since Felix’ small fingers were indeed warmer than his own ones.
It felt nice, not in the butterflies in your stomach and your heart going crazy kind of way, but certainly in a way that felt slightly different from what he was used to.
Felix had always been the one who sought out physical contact with the people he liked, so Jeongin was used to this kind of skinship. He was not the biggest fan of skinship but Felix had always been some kind of an exemption, mainly because no one could ever deny Felix anything he wanted. Their whole group was whipped for the freckled Australian boy, but Jeongin had sometimes even found himself seeking out skinship with Felix - something his other hyungs could only dream off, especially Hyunjin seemed to be slightly jealous of Felix privilege.
Hence, when Felix got bolder and shuffled closer to lay his head on Jeongin’s shoulder the younger one let him. “Tired?”
”A bit.”
”Did you play LoL all night again?”
”Maybe?”
”Still Bronze?”
“Shut up.”
The closeness, the bickering and just Felix’ presence, Jeongin truly enjoyed the moment. He was not even worried about being caught by paparazzi or Stay or anyone. From behind they likely looked like a regular - straight - couple and even if they were recognised, two members of the same group spending time together was not that uncommon.
He would not want to change anything at that moment.
But all good things had to come to an end and eventually they made their way back to their dorms. When they reached the point where they had to part, Felix all of sudden turned shy and looked at the ground. ”Innie, I really enjoyed tonight. This was like one of the best dates ever.”
”I enjoyed tonight, too.”
”I know this will be forever our only date, so I will cherish the memories. Thank you for agreeing to do this. It means a lot to me. So good night, Innie-ya. Sleep well.” Felix pulled Jeongin in a short hug, before he turned around to go home.
”Hyung wait!” Certainly, this date was meant to be a one time thing, one favour to Felix to ease his aching heart, yet Jeongin had found himself enjoying the night a lot. He had to admit to himself that he enjoyed it more than their usual outings together.
”Hm?”
“It doesn’t have to be our only date ever…” While Jeongin was not sure yet why he enjoyed it more - may it be just the occasion of spending time together after quite some time, may it be the honest talks after an emotional time or may it be something entirely else - he knew he did not want it to be a one time thing.
“You’re joking, right?”
”No… I honestly dunno how I feel other than liking today a lot. Would you give me the chance to find out how I actually feel about you and everything else?”
Felix’ eyes grew wide and his mouth opened like a fish, but no words came out the first few times he tried to form words. Ultimately, the blonde one seemed to give up and pulled Jeongin in his arms again.
“I can’t promise you anything, however...”
Yet it seemed like no promises were needed because Felix clung to him like a koala to an eucalyptus tree for a few minutes. Jeongin only hoped that he had not made Felix cry. But when the blonde one finally let go, his smile was bright and he looked happy.
”I will make you mine, Yang Jeongin. Just watch out.”
”Good luck, Yongbok.”
Fun Fact: It was indeed impossible to deny Felix anything - including your heart in the long run.