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That yawning, cavernous feeling was hard to ignore as she looked out over the Sun Tree. For her whole life, the divinity afforded to her by the Dawnfather’s influence had been ever present.
And now it was gone.
Vesper wondered if the Sun Tree felt it. Every day she spent a little time watching the Sun Tree, to see if anything looked different. But it looked very much the same. She examined herself every morning when she woke up and she too looked very much the same.
Everyone else she knew seemed to be fine with the series of events, and it made sense that no one else had this…abundance of empty space inside them. Her mother was…had been the Dawnfather's champion, but did not rely on him often. Her father had openly been disdainful of the gods as long as she’d been alive. None of her siblings were particularly prone to worship or sought any connection with the gods.
Even Uncle Vax had the other chosen champion of the Matron.
It felt like she had no one who understood how cold and alone she felt the past few weeks.
For what it was worth, she hadn’t sought her connection with the Dawnfather, it had been handed to her from birth.
A sign, most had said, that Whitestone would flourish and prosper under her leadership. That Whitestone was meant to endure, that the de Rolos were meant to endure…
Would they ask her to step down now? Now that she was no longer connected to the Dawnfather, was she no longer fit to lead Whitestone?
It had always been, for better or worse, a pillar of her identity. She would lead Whitestone once her parents fully stepped down and she had spent her whole life preparing for that. Wanting to take care of the city she loved, just like her father and mother had before her.
It was sometimes, she felt, the only tether she had to them.
Gwendolyn was her father’s gem. The twins were exemplary hunters (and twins to boot). Freddie was kind and patient with animals, underneath his snarky disposition.
And Vesper was the leader.
Was that gone now? What was left of her if she didn’t have that divine essence?
Do they even want me here anymore? Or should someone else take over? Do they even see me as worthy anymore?
A cold sweat broke out immediately on the back of her neck. She shook her head vigorously to try and clear it of the dizzy feeling but that only made it worse. She walked out of her room to try and distract herself from the way the world pitched.
The tingling in her fingers and toes only seemed to increase the cold sweats and her rapid breaths. Nothing was fixing it and Vesper felt like she was becoming untethered from her own body.
As her vision darkened, Vesper tumbled to the ground as her body shook. She had tried to grab onto anything to stop her fall, but it didn’t work. The clatter of the vase breaking sound miles away even though she could see the fragmented bits scattered across the floor.
Am I dying…? Vesper wondered faintly as her body felt pinned to the ground, feeling like her breath evaded her. Am I not even meant to be here without the Dawnfather…? Would it even matter if I was gone? Would they even notice my absence?
“Vesper!”
She heard her name but it was so far away. It was one of her siblings but she couldn’t even tell which one over the slamming of her heart against her chest. Vesper wanted to cry out for her parents, but she couldn’t even make her mouth form the words as she lay there on the floor.
Was this death?
Her uncle was nowhere to be found, but that did not mean he would not be coming soon for her. Vesper had no name for this awful, awful feeling. It felt like she would never be in control of her body again, that she would not return to it. It was more terrifying than the thoughts that had preceded whatever this was.
I want my mother and father…I don’t want to die…I want my mother and father…
She had no idea how long she lay there on the floor, feeling disconnected with her body, like she couldn’t move. She had no idea how long she lay there silently pleading not to die before a pair of hands cupped her face and tilted her head up.
Her mother’s face swam into focus, even through her tears (though she had no idea when she’d started crying).
“Gwendolyn, thank you for coming to get me, darling. Please get your father immediately and tell him what’s happened,” Vex ordered, no argument in her tone. Gwen was clearly scared, for she listened without delay and rushed to go find Percy.
“Mummy?” Vesper could finally choke out, though it still felt like there would never be enough breath in her lungs ever again.
“Vesper, you’re having a panic attack,” her mother soothed gently, and Vesper pressed her cheek into the thumb that was brushing along her skin. “I know it’s scary, my darling. I know. But I’m right here.”
“I can’t…” Vesper tried to explain.
Vex’s free hand found one of Vesper’s and she squeezed tightly. “Just focus on your hand in mine. That’s all you need to do right now, okay?” Vex looked up for a brief moment, to someone Vesper couldn’t see. “Freddie, get me a pillow to elevate your sister’s feet. Leona, I need water but in a small cup. Wolfe, could you get some cold compresses? Thank you, my loves.”
Once the hallway was clear again, her mother moved only slightly so that Vesper’s head was in her lap. One hand still held tightly to Vesper’s and the other gently ran her fingers through Vesper’s hair, undoing the braid and removing any hair from the back of her neck. “I’m going to ask you some questions, okay? If you can talk, you can breathe…we’re going to try and help you get your breath back, okay?”
Vesper nodded, eyes weakly fluttering shut. It felt like everything had been drained out of her but she was still glued to the floor. “I’m not dying?” she whimpered.
“No, darling…” There was an audible quaver in her mother’s voice, accompanied by a hand squeeze. “No, darling, you’re not dying. I promise. And even if you were, your Uncle Vax would have to go through me to take you from us…”
“I can’t calm down,” Vesper whined, and immediately hated that she could not control the timbre of her voice.
“That’s okay. We’ll get there together,” her mother promised. “What day is it today?”
“Folsen,” Vesper answered.
“Good…good…do you remember what you had for breakfast this morning?”
“Scones.”
“What kind?” her mother encouraged.
“Plain ones…”
“Did you have jam or cream on them?”
“Clotted cream and some strawberry jam,” Vesper whispered, the world coming back into focus a little bit.
“That sounds delicious.” Vesper heard the warmth in her mother’s voice. It was soothing and steady, as it always had been. “Do you feel up to opening your eyes to tell me what you can see?”
Vesper had no idea when she closed them. But the world tilted violently when she tried and she squeezed them shut, curling in on herself. “No, it’s all spinning too fast…”
“That’s all right, thank you for trying anyway,” her mother answered softly, leaning over to press a kiss to her head. “Tell me…what are three things you can feel with your hands right now.”
“Your hand in mine…” That one was easy to answer at first because it truly felt like the only thing tethering her to the earth right now.
“That’s one, two more,” Vex said and squeezed her daughter’s hand to affirm it.
Vesper reached out with her free hand and felt the fabric of her mother’s dress. “Your dress is soft…I didn’t see what color it was, but it’s a very soft cotton. And the rug.”
“Very good,” Vex praised and a knot seemed to undo itself in Vesper’s chest. “Now, what can you hear?”
Vesper focused now on what she could hear around her. At first it didn’t seem like much was nearby to be heard other than her mother’s steady breaths and her own strengthening breaths, but then there was a distinctive telltale cadence of a cane hitting the floor. “Father’s near…”
“Vesper!” The fear was more than evident in her father’s voice and Vesper heard the impact of the cane hitting the floor when her father threw it aside. His hand took her free one, trembling as it did so. “Vex’ahlia, what’s happened?”
“A panic attack.” Her mother’s voice was so calming and steady. “She’s all right, Percy, we’re just trying to get her breath back.”
“Of course…” Her father’s voice was rough, but his hand was so gentle as it brushed some hair away from her face. “You’re safe, dear one. You’re safe…”
Vesper tried to open her eyes again and her father’s face swam through her tears and the way the world was still tilting. The last thing she had wanted was for both of them to openly see how weak she was. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled, the tears starting anew. “I’m sorry…”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Vesper,” her father promised, squeezing her hand. “Nothing at all, dear one…these…they happen. I have been afflicted with them for years, I know how awful they can be…”
Vesper felt like she was choking on a cry. She couldn’t even explain to them why she was sorry. She wanted to plead with them to see something worthwhile in her still, though the Dawnfather was gone. She wanted to apologize that she was not half as good as her siblings, though she had tried, she really had tried…
“Vesper, darling, back to us…” Vex coaxed gently, squeezing one hand as Percy squeezed the other. “Just focus on breathing, you don’t have to worry about anything else right now.”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I’m sorry I’m not good…”
“Of course you’re good, dear one,” her father tried to reassure her. “You have always been.”
“No I haven’t,” Vesper argued, her breaths racing still. “I’m not good like the others and now the Dawnfather is gone and I don’t have anything that makes me good anymore. They’re not going to want me as their leader anymore and you’re not going to want me either because I’m not good enough anymore! I’m not anything to anyone now!”
Her words reverberated around the now silent hallway. For a moment, she was sure her parents would let go of her hands, but they held on tighter still. Vesper still felt she could not open her eyes for the way the world pitched and spun around her and that too was distressing because what if it just never stopped?
“My darling, I…we love you beyond words. And we are going to talk about the things that you’ve just said,” her mother said, voice quavering as if she were trying not to openly start weeping. “But first…I…we still want to get your breaths back under control. The world must feel very off kilter in more ways than one right now.”
“It’s all right, little sun,” her father rasped, his cheeks damp as he kissed her hand. “We are here with you. And we love you so very much.” You mean so very much to us.”
“No I don’t,” Vesper said quietly. “But that’s all right.”
Everything that gave her value was gone now and she had so little of it to begin with. She could no longer be Whitestone’s beacon when she lacked the light that gave her the title. She would get left behind, her family would leave her behind because they’d all been waiting for something better than her.
Her mother had the twins and Freddie. Her father had Gwendolyn.
And who did she have?
The little esteem she had in their eyes was tied to her ability to lead and now that was gone. What was she to them now? Beyond a disappointment? Beyond the paragon of her father’s biggest sources of disdain–magic and the gods–and the shadow on her mother’s soul from being torn in half by the loss of her brother?
Vesper choked on a miserable gasp of an inhale as she tried and failed to find any purchase in her meaning within her family. Perhaps there was none. Perhaps there never had been…perhaps all this time the light that the Dawnfather had given her had blinded her to the truth of her reality.
“Can we approach?” That was Wolfe’s voice. He was trying hard to stay calm, Vesper could tell just by the cadence of her brother’s voice. “We’ve brought what you’ve requested, Mother.”
“Pass them here, please, darling, but I think Vesper still needs some space.” Her mother’s hand was still gently moving through her hair. “Percy, can you elevate her feet?”
“Yes, yes, of course,” Percy whispered. While Vesper couldn’t open her eyes, she felt her father’s hand tremble as he gently lifted her feet so they could be elevated. “And the cold cloth?”
“Right here.” Vesper’s mother parted her hair again and gently draped the cold cloth on the back of her neck. “There you go, my darling…there we are.”
Her father began to sing to her softly in Celestial, a song about a hare that lived in the heather. It was a lullaby he’d sung to her for as long as she could remember. She tried to let the familiar melody wash over her and drive out the cold that had taken over her body.
Once the song had reached its natural conclusion, Vesper took a stable breath that was not too rapid or shallow. Her hands squeezed desperately around her parents’ still scrambling for some sort of tether to bring her back down to herself, but the world was finally starting to slow down again.
The hand being held by her father was brought to his forehead and she heard some muttered exclamation of relief. “Do you want us to send for your Auntie Pike?” he asked gently, giving her hand another squeeze and another kiss.
“No,” she croaked out. She could not face another person who had lost their deity and was perfectly fine in the aftermath. “It’s fine…I’m fine…”
Maybe if she could distance herself from that moment where she’d fallen apart, then everything would be fine and her parents would forget? They could still see her as strong, even without the Dawnfather, and everything wouldn’t be fine, wouldn’t it?
The soft exhale from her mother was enough for Vesper to know that her parents were not letting this go any time soon. Moreover, she did not need to open her eyes to know that her parents were having a wordless conversation above her. The air was charged with it, and while Vesper didn’t feel like she was choking on her breaths anymore, the weight of the inevitable sat in her stomach.
Her eyes fluttered open and at least one victory in this war could be counted, as the world was back into clear focus. Vesper looked at her parents’ faces above her, trying to see if she could find the disappointment in it, but did not seem to find any openly.
“Do you think you can sit up now, Vesper?” her mother prompted gently, and Vesper nodded.
Her mother and father gently helped coax her up into a sitting position, and she placed her head on her mother’s shoulder and closed her eyes. Her mother pressed a long kiss to her forehead while her father gently rubbed her back.
“Gwendolyn, please head down to the kitchens and have the cook make and send up a Shepherd’s pie, mashed potatoes, and the Issilyran shortbread cookies? And then tell him that these will be sent directly to Vesper’s room?” her father asked. Vesper didn’t see, but Gwen must’ve nodded because her father murmured, “Thank you, dear. Could one of you grab my cane, please?”
One of her siblings came closer and her mother wrapped her up in a protective embrace, hushing her softly.
“Wolfe, if you could help me to my feet? Thank you, son,” her father said appreciatively. There was a low grunt of effort as her father got to his feet. “Vex, dear?”
“Right,” her mother agreed. To Vesper, she added, “Do you think you can stand or do you need my help?”
“I can stand,” Vesper muttered, hating that her own body immediately betrayed her. Her knees shook and she could not manage to stand up on her own without her mother holding onto her.
“Leona, darling, can you let Missus Thorton know about the vase? And then can one of you tell your Aunt Cassandra to postpone the meeting we were going to have? Tell her…it’s…” Her mother had started and then broken off unsurely.
“Tell her it’s until further notice,” her father said quietly. “And that we can strike it from the agenda at next week’s council meeting all together.”
Vesper frowned, not remembering there being a council meeting the next week. Had they deliberately not invited her? And for what reason? The only reason she could think of was that it must’ve had something to do with her…
Of course it has to do with me. If they’re going to have to change the nomination, the council has to vote on it, don’t they? she realized sadly. They’re probably voting on when I should abdicate my position…or which of my siblings would be the best replacement now that I am no longer fit to lead Whitestone given what’s happened. That’s why Father told Gwen she was in charge if something went wrong while he was gone. They were planning for this all along…
The cold and hollow feeling was back in her fingers and toes, threatening to spread up her arms once more.
Her mother clearly noticed, for she murmured softly, “Let’s get you to bed now. You need to rest.” She squeezed Vesper closer and began to lead her back into her room.
The best way Vesper could describe it was that she felt a little bit to the left of her body. Like she wasn’t totally real or totally all the way in her body, which was an off putting sensation to be sure. Though not nearly as distressing as the feeling that she’d never be calm again.
Her mother helped her into bed while her father set up the pillows at an angle so she could sit up and eat when the food arrived. Though the thought of food was wholly unpleasant around the metaphorical rock in her stomach.
Moreover, her parents’ unspoken desire to talk to her was buzzing in the air around the three of them. Her heart began to pick up speed again. Not nearly as fast as before, but fast enough that she could feel the press of it against her chest.
She watched her mother and father get settled in chairs beside her, once again wordlessly having a conversation with each other about what they were going to say and how they were going to broach it.
If only I hadn’t been so weak… Vesper thought, watching the deep furrow of her father’s brow. The only confidence he had in me is gone, isn’t it? After what he saw? Her lip trembled and she sniffled a little.
The noise seemed to draw her parents’ gaze again and they looked at her. “We need to talk, don’t we?” her mother asked.
“Do we?” Vesper asked, not making eye contact with either of them.
“Your sister found you collapsed in the hallway, Vesper. Of course we need to talk.”
Her father’s voice was strained, and in that moment amidst all of her fear and self-loathing, Vesper could only interpret the strain as impatience.
“Everything’s fine now.” Anger against them was easier to bear than letting them fear and shame. Vesper was terrified that she had reached the end of their tolerance and patience with this latest display. So she made the move to reject them both before they could reject her. “You don’t have to stay. I’m fine.” Her hands shook as they clutched at the blanket. Her parents were far too polite to get to the heart of the matter, and so she decided she had to give them a little push.
Perhaps that would stop her brain from feeling like a bird that was battering his wings against the cars of a cage. The anticipation of a storm she was convinced was going to break was starting to be too much.
“You can go back to your children who actually matter to you, the ones who can actually contribute to your legacy,” she told them lowly. “Just tell me when you would like me to submit my resignation to the Chamber. I’m obviously not good enough anymore to lead, to take care of anyone.”
The words had their intended effect. Her father flinched as if she’d actually struck him and it only made her feel worse. Still, she felt the need to stoke the anger inside of her, not wanting to collapse under the weight of her fear again.
“Why do you think that?” her father asked slowly, hand tightening on the handle of his cane.
“We all know it’s true,” Vesper spat the deepest of her insecurities at them. “I know you put Gwendolyn in charge if things are meant to go wrong because I have been nothing but a disappointment to you. And now the only thing that gave me purchase, the only worth I had in your eyes is gone. You have no use for me anymore. No one does. And why would you?”
“Vesper–” her mother whispered, horrified.
“I have no doubt that you are only trying to placate me before you ask me to abdicate my seat on the Council once Gwen is ready to inherit your legacy. After all, why would you want Gwendolyn finding the gods when they return? Like some…thoughtless curiosity! A pet project for her! The Dawnfather is gone and every iota of value I had to you went with it! There is barely anything left to me at all now and I know we all know that!” she shouted tearfully at them, shaking under the underlying fear that they actually were about to spurn her.
Every miserable doubt that she’d even entertained in passing now seemed to fill the weight where the sense of her divinity and its instilled purpose had been. “You have four children who will live up to everything you are, you don’t need to waste your time on the one that’s clearly going to be nothing more than a footnote when they tell your story for all the disappointment that I have turned out to be!”
The tears started up again and Vesper ducked her head to her chest in a poor attempt to hide them. “I’m only sorry you had to wait so long to find a child you could actually be proud of, Father…twenty years is a very long time to sit with such a grand disappointment. Especially since you have never cared for the gods, and had to settle for me until something better came along.
“And I’m sorry you both had to wait so long to feel confident that Whitestone was in safe hands. The de Rolos live as long as Whitestone lives after all…but they’ll take good care of it. I…it…it’s just as well that…that it’s not me. I’m the only one crumbling under the weight of the gods disappearing out of everyone we know. What fucking good would such a useless burden have been to Whitestone? I should’ve known I wasn’t anything without the Dawnfather and I’m sorry I wasted your time and I’m only realizing it now.”
The acrid self-loathing sat in the back of her throat, but at least it was all out in the open now.
Vesper still couldn’t bring herself to look at her parents though.
Their greatest disappointment indeed. They’re just going to tell me that I’m right and stepping down is for the best and–
The thoughts stopped as Vesper felt her father’s arms wrap around her tightly. He pulled her as closely as he could to his violently trembling body. Her own soft sobs and surprise dulled her father’s words for a moment, but when they cleared, he was muttering repeatedly, “Vesper, I am so sorry. I am so sorry, my darling…”
“Why are you sorry?” Vesper asked through a whimper once she could manage the words. “It’s not your fault that I wasn’t good enough in the end. I failed you, I let you down…”
At her words, her father took in a haggard, wretched gasp and somehow managed to pull her even closer. The splash of his tears gently dropped against her scalp as her father cried. By then, her mother had joined them, wrapping her arms tightly around the two of them
Her mother gently tilted her cheek up so that Vesper would look at the two of them. Even though all three were sobbing profusely at this point, her mother insisted. “Vesper Elaina de Rolo, I want you to listen to me and more importantly, I want you to hear me. You have…
never
been a disappointment to us. We are so proud of the person you are becoming and we love you more than we can fit in our chest.”
Her father nodded his agreement, pressing a long and tearful kiss to the top of her head. He was clearly beyond words for the moment, which was admittedly surprising to Vesper given his general disposition.
Her mother crushed her forehead to hers. “Your father is apologizing because…because we…we didn’t know how much we hurt you, Vesper. We…we didn’t know how much we allowed you to hurt, particularly over these past few weeks. And we cannot abide by that.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault I’m–” Vesper started to deflect, but was cut off.
“ No .” Despite the intensity of his tears that were not abating, her father took care to keep his tone as steadfast as he could. His body shook with the force of it, but he looked at her as he continued speaking, “That may be how you see yourself right now, my darling…but that is not how we see you. That has never been how we have seen you…”
His hand gently cupped her cheek, despite its quaking. “I am apologizing because…I especially have made mistakes that have warped how you think we perceive you and how you perceive yourself. Mistakes that…that...that caused you to doubt how much you mean to us. Mistakes that have obfuscated the fact that we love you and we are proud of you not because you were connected to the Dawnfather, but because you are our child and are so much better than we ever could be.”
His voice broke on the word ‘child’ and he pulled her close again, like she would disappear through his very fingers if he didn’t.
“You deserve an apology from us, Vesper,” her mother whispered, pushing her hair away from her face. “We… severely underestimated how much the events of the last few weeks have impacted you, and did not do our due diligence as your mother and father to ensure that…that you were all right.”
Her mother needed a moment to try and compose herself before she continued. “I cannot imagine how lonely you must’ve felt. Your world has changed in a way that none of us thought to understand, and you suffered for the mistake we made in assuming that nothing had changed.”
Her father’s grip on her slackened only to allow her mother to gather her close.
“I am so sorry for how we have hurt you, my lovey,” she told Vesper. “We will not be perfect in our efforts to make this up to you, but know that…that we will be doing everything in our power to rectify this. We love you so very much…we are so very proud of you and there is no one that we trust more with Whitestone’s future than with you, with or without the Dawnfather.
“The Dawnfather did not give you your boundless sense of compassion, which not only do you have, but you then taught to Freddie, all on your own. You are perceptive and pragmatic, which Leona takes with her every step she takes through the Parchwood…” Her mother had started but the emotion clearly overtook her, for she stopped and nuzzled the top of her daughter’s head tearfully.
“You are steadfast and resolute,” her father continued where her mother left off, his own voice still thick with tears. “Wolfe has always looked to you as his guide in that aspect, rather than us or your Aunt Cassandra. And Gwendolyn? For all that she is like me, she also needs to be tempered. I did not learn that until I was well into adulthood. And whereas I look to your mother and rely on her to temper me, you are Gwendolyn’s northern star to channel the worst of her impulses into being kind, helpful, and to consider the impact her actions have on others.”
“It’s true,” her mother added with a wet laugh. “I didn’t quite know what she said, but I heard her muttering into Celestial the other day when she was frustrated with one of her lessons. She may not be old enough to understand how much it means to her, but you not only taught yourself Infernal to be able to communicate with her, but you taught her Celestial. That act alone has done more to cast out aspersions that others have against her for being a tiefling than any platitudes your father or I could give her. Whenever I recall you staying up late in your study, working on something to bridge that gap, I am absolutely bowled over by how astounding you are and have continued to be.”
Her father made sure to catch her gaze before he spoke again. “The Dawnfather is no longer the symbolic sun of Whitestone, but in his absence, our city will have something even brighter than he ever was. And that is you , Vesper, if that is something you still want. If you do not, then we will find something that truly makes you feel as special and important as you are. Though you had his divinity in your veins, you have never needed it to shine as brightly as you do, my little sun. You, all on your own, are the brilliant beacon of the future simply because of who you are. You were right: I have never considered myself to hold faith in the gods, but that does not mean I do not feel incredibly blessed to have raised such a wonderful daughter like you.”
Vesper wanted to trust their words and their perspective. It felt sincere and earnest and true, but the quagmire that had settled over her and thickened to the point of obscuring any light around her was hard to vanquish. “Do you promise?” she asked in a small voice.
“We promise,” her father told her softly, giving her a little smile.
“We will do more than promise,” her mother added, stroking her cheek to brush away the last of the tears. “We will show you as often as you need until you believe it on your own and even longer after that.”
“I wish I wasn’t the only one who felt like this,” Vesper finally confessed to them, leaning against her father. “It…it’s lonely. And empty.”
“Well, your father and I have some experience in filling in the gaps,” her mother promised. “And you have more than just us to keep you together. You just have to let us.”
“Okay,” Vesper whispered, giving them both a little smile. Vesper’s father kissed the top of her head when she placed her head on his shoulder. “What was it you actually wanted to talk about?” she asked them.
“It can wait until you feel like you’re on solid ground again,” her father told her. “However long that may take.”
“And you won’t go far from me?” Vesper whispered, still even a little afraid to ask the question.
Her parents did not even need to look at each other before they answered in unison.
“Never.”