Alec Is Not Your Bitch

by abitchforlasagna

Summary:

“So let’s get started. In this game, we will simply read comments, answer questions and … that’s kind of it. We’ll see.”

Magnus and Alec read the comments of Magnus' videos, and they do dares and answer questions such as to what would happen if aliens landed on your roof.

Basically Phil Is Not On Fire but with Malec.

 

(Title changed from "Alec Is Not Sparkling)

Notes:

BRITISH AND AMERICAN ENGLISH IS MIXED, SORRY FOR THAT!
I try to stick to American english but I use the word 'couch' which is British or smth like that. And I don't know when to use 'c', 'z' or 's' so yeah ... I try to edit my stories but I might've missed a word here and there

Some of these questions are taken straight from PINOF.

Here are also tmr, pjo and hp-references.

Don't own.

Remember when I said: Blindfolded Makeup Challenge is up next? Well I lied. Sorry! Tried writing it, but it turned out horrible. Like, really horrible.

In my first fic in this serie, I imagined them like 18 years old. But I made them older because of plot purposes that I won't reveal yet ;)

EDIT: Okay, so the timeline was a bit off. In BF/BF Tag, I said they had dated for 3 yrs. HEre I said 5 yrs. This is meant to be 'uploaded' a few weeks, or maybe even months after the tag, but still. The error is fixed.

Blue eyes stared at the camera. A red lamp showed that the recording had begun. Alec took a step back and cleared his throat.

“Hi.”

He paused. Magnus always seemed so comfortable when he did this - talking to a camera. Alec himself only felt stupid and embarrassed.

Magnus was slumped in a beanbag behind him, examining his nails. Alec glanced back and the other man looked up, raising his eyebrows.

Looking at the camera, Alec took a deep breath.

“Er, my name is Alec. And this is my first, eh, video I suppose.” He shifted nervously. “I mean, I’ve done a, uh, Boyfriend tag with Magnus here …” he waved at Magnus, who raised his hand as a greeting.

“‘Sup?”

Rolling his eyes at his boyfriend, Alec gathered a bit more courage. His voice was more confident when he spoke now.

“... and we played a game called Five Nights at Freddy’s, too. I think the reason that most of you are here, is because Magnus put a link to my channel in one of his recent videos. And the video Boyfriend Tag is one of his most viewed videos and you all seemed to … like my presence in his videos, since the FNAF-video was littered with comments and thumbs-up.” Alec gave a nervous laugh.

“Oh darling” Magnus spoke, “they are completely enchanted by you. Just like I am.” He dropped a glittery wink at Alec, who blushed and covered his face with his arm.

“So Magnus persuaded me into creating an own channel, but I don’t think I ever will upload any so called vlogs or such. This is just created for a game Magnus and I invented. And I wanted to call it ‘Alec Is Not Sparkling’ since Magnus’ channel name is ‘MagnusBaneIsSparkling’. And Magnus wanted to call it ‘Alec Is Not Your Bitch’ due to an inside joke that I maybe will answer sometime …” Alec trailed off as Magnus stood up and slipped his arms around Alec from behind.

“You might as well tell them now” he chuckled against Alec’s ear, “because they will question it. That’s the thing with Youtube and subscribers, dear. They want to know. Everything.”

Alec swallowed. “Everything?” he asked suspiciously. Magnus shrugged. “Well” he said, “there is a limit.”

Alec nodded slowly. “Right … well, my brother Jace asked me to make a pie for him and we were in the middle of the woods, camping. So later when he came back after snogging his girlfriend against a tree or something, I said: ‘I didn’t make a pie for three reasons. One, because I don’t have any pie ingredients. Two, because I don’t actually know how to make a pie. And three: I am not your bitch.’ And then I came home and told Magnus this and he literally cried with laughter … like he’s doing now.”

He looked at Magnus, who hid his face in the crook of Alec’s neck, shaking with laughter. Rolling his eyes, Alec said: “Mags.”

“I think I accidentally smeared some makeup on your shirt” said Magnus, not looking up.

“What?” exclaimed Alec, pulling out of Magnus’ grasp. He checked his collar for any lipstick- or mascara-traces, when Magnus started laughing again. Realizing that Magnus had been joking, Alec snorted and pulled up his collar again.

“So let’s get started. In this game, we will simply read comments, answer questions and … that’s kind of it. We’ll see.”

Sitting down in the beanbag, Magnus pulled Alec with him and placed the blue eyed boy in his lap. Now Alec was used to Magnus flirty nature, so he simply pushed himself off Magnus’ lap and sank down in his own beanbag. He hauled his phone out of his pocket and said:

“The first one is … ‘Malec … is … life…’? That’s more like a statement … wait, what’s Malec?” Alec scowled. Magnus covered his mouth with his hands and coughed.

“It’s sort of the name for us that I came up with,” he muttered. Alec goggled at him.

“You mixed our names and made an entire fandom about it?” he gaped. Magnus shrugged helplessly.

“My viewers were already crazy to see you! The fact that they had to wait for ages before you finally decided to show up didn’t make it better.”

Alec shook his head.

“Okay, this is just weird. Next comment is … wait, it’s a question: ‘Magnus, how old were you when you started vlogging?’”

“Fourteen, I think. So it’s almost ten years ago.”

“Wait,” Alec said, “how old are you now?”

Magnus gave him a condescending look. “You do seriously not know my age?”

Alec shook his head. “Nope,” he said, popping the p.

“I’m 22, thank you for remembering,” said Magnus dryly.

“Hey!” Alec protested. “At least I remember your birthday.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Continue.”

“‘I screamed when Magnus just stared at Alec. I died when they kissed’. And it’s expanded by several comments. ‘I agree.’ ‘Me too, I started crying.’ ‘So cute!’ ‘Yeah, me too.’ ‘Malec is life.’ ‘I ship Malec.’ ‘The Malec feels.’ ‘ Malec’- damnit Magnus, everyone’s snowed in on Malec!” Alec groaned and facepalmed. Magnus face beamed.

“Mission accomplished!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands. When Alec glared at him, he shrugged apologetically. Alec sighed.

“‘Magnus, have you ever French-kissed Alec?’ Oh god, don’t make him answer that!” Alec moaned, but Magnus had already started grinning mischeviously.

“Oh, whoever’s writing. I have done so much more to Alec than just French-kissing.” He winked at the camera.

“THIS PART IS GETTING CUT,” Alec said loudly, and Magnus sniggered.

Alec blushed, and hid the phone before his face.

“I hate this,” he complained and Magnus laughed out loud.

“No you don’t,” he told Alec as he reached out and took the phone. “You just find it extremely awkward. So we’ll take a normal question this time. ‘What would happen if the world got ripped in half?’ Er,” he paused, “we would die?”

Alec shrugged. “Perhaps not. It’s actually an interesting though. Would the halves just drift apart in space, or is there some force keeping them together? Will the atmosphere stay the same? What will happen to the lava?”

Magnus made a dramatic sigh. “Alec,” he said, “I love you, but tone down your inner nerd a little. Please.”

Alec huffed and crossed his arms. “Next comment,” he said without looking at Magnus.

“‘Advertise the item closest to you in the most disturbing way you can’,” he said.

Alec looked horrified at this.

“I can do it!” Magnus volunteered. “Apart from the beanbag, you’re the one closest to me.”

“Magnus, I think they meant-”

“Hair as soft as silk, with the warmest and deepest eye colour. Alexander Lightwood, who loves waking up before you and make breakfast for you in bed,” said Magnus with the smile and voice of a man in a commercial.

“He’s rare and very loving, and he never fails to amuse you. Alexander Lightwood is here to brighten up your day with his innocent laugh, and he can always help you out of sticky situations, as he works out a lot.”

Alec his his face in his hands, ears burning. Magnus continued anyways.

“Alexander Lightwood can be found in Magnus Bane’s apartment, but he’s currently sold out. And he will be. Forever.” Magnus wrapped his arms protectively around Alec, who still refused to look up. “Alexander Lightwood is reserved by me, and me only. No offer is worth it, as he is mine.” Magnus glared at the camera.

“You’re so childish,” Alec muttered, hiding his grin. Magnus, knowing Alec all too well, grinned too and poked Alec’s cheek.

“I’m claiming what’s rightfully mine,” he said. Alec finally looked up and rolled his eyes. “Advertise something else now, please. An item.”

Magnus tutted. “We really need you to get over this shyness,” he said. “My fans love you!”

Alec snorted. “Doubt they all do.”

Magnus shook his head and removed his arm from Alec’s shoulders, though he insisted on sharing the beanbag with him now.

“‘Can any of you beatbox?’ Nope, I don’t think so.”

“Actually, I can,” Alec piped up. Magnus looked surprised at him. “You can?”

When Alec nodded, he exclaimed: “But you never told me that?”

“It’s not a big thing,” Alec dismissed it.

Magnus flailed his arms, nearly sending the phone flying across the room.

“Big thing? Of course it’s a big thing! I love a cappella!”

“‘No eyeliner or no eyeshadow?’”

“What? How am I supposed to choose between that?”

“I don’t know, just pick one.”

“... well, fine. Eyeshadow, then.”

“‘How many years have you been dating?’”

“Didn’t I sort of answer that question earlier? Well, it’s about four years anyways.”

Alec paused. “It’s that long?”

Magnus nodded.

“Wow. It feels longer, and yet it feels as if it was yesterday I moved in.”

Sighing wistfully, Magnus nodded. “I see what you mean. I’ve lived the greater part of my life without you, yet I can’t imagine not waking up without you.”

Alec actually smiled genuinely at this, without blushing.

“Mm-hhmm. Remember that time we stayed over at my parent’s house, in my old room? Despite having slept there for my entire life and having slept only three months at yours, it felt weird to wake up there.”

“But it’s never really wrong if you’re there,” said Magnus.

Alec rolled his eyes. “That is so cheesy,” he said. “But true.”

Magnus then kissed him, long and sweetly, before Alec pulled back and said that the fangirls and fanboys already were crazy enough. Also, his cheeks had reddened again.

 

“No nose or no eyebrows?”

“Imagine me without eyebrows, though.”

“Magnus, don’t even lie. You pencil them on.”

“... True.”

“What would happen if aliens landed on your roof?”

“I would scare them away with my glitter!” Magnus flailed his arms, effectively shedding glitter around him. Alec didn’t even look surprised.

“Yeah, I think you would. ‘What if Alec had blue hair and black eyes?’”

“Would your personality remain the same?” Magnus inquired.

“Think so.” Alec said. Magnus shrugged.

“As long as it’s you in there, I would love you no matter what.”

“Thank you, I love you too. Remember what I said before we started filming?”

“... no?”

“Magnus.”

Magnus sighed. “No cheesy declarations of love whilst the camera is shooting.” He pouted.

“Good boy,” Alec praised him. “Rihanna or Beyoncé?”

“Beyoncé.”

“‘I want Malec to get married’.”

“Me too.”

“What?”

“Keep going.”

“Do you think Dylan O’Brien is hot?”

“Damn he is!” Magnus exclaimed, hitting his thigh with a loud smack. Alec jumped and nearly dropped the phone.

“But not hotter than you,” Magnus added quickly when Alec stared at him.

“Thanks, I presumed that.” Alec nodded slowly.

Stifling a laugh, Magnus reached out and took the phone.

“Alec, make Magnus laugh.”

Tilting his head, Alec studied Magnus who put on his most serious face. Then he said slowly:

“Jace in Isabelle’s stilettos.”

It worked. Magnus gave a scream of laughter, and fell backwards. Alec grinned, also amused by the thought of Jace trying to walk even five feet on Isabelle’s death traps - sorry, high heels.

“I - I give up!” Magnus laughed, sitting up again. “Okay, got me there. Ooh, I like the next one.”

Alec looked nervous. “What is it?”

“Magnus and Alec, play hide and seek.”

 

“Hate Magnus,” Alec muttered as he walked through the apartment. Judging by the camera’s bobbing angle, he was walking and holding in it.

“Stupid Magnus, for making me do this. Where the hell is he?”

Alec knelt and filmed under the kitchen table, but only Chairman Meow lay there.

“Why am I doing this?” he groaned as he stood up again and walked out in the hall.

Filming the red walls, he aimed for the living room. HAd he turned and looked back, he would’ve seen how the door to their closet was opened slightly.

Next thing, Alec was tackled to the ground by Magnus’ body ramming into him. He dropped the camera that rolled away, eventually filming the wall.

“Magnus!” Alec screamed, wriggling and squirming under Magnus’ weight. “What the fu-”

“Shh,” Magnus whispered and pressed a finger to Alec’s lips. “No swearing in my videos.”

“If I remember it correctly, you called me a ‘fucking fantastic bastard’, in one of your videos.”

“Besides the point.”

Alec gaped at him from his position underneath.

“It’s not!” he exclaimed and protested when Magnus moved to pin his arms above his head.

“But it is,” Magnus murmured as he leant down and bumped Alec’s nose with his own, before kissing him.

 

“Swear to God you’re gonna edit that out,” Alec scowled when they were back in Magnus’ bedroom, sitting on their ever so precious beanbags.

“I swear to God.” Magnus rolled his eyes. “And it’s actually okay. I don’t want them to dream about you tonight.” He made a high-pitched squeal when Alec slapped his arm.

“Ouch! No need to get violent! Okay fine. ‘Alec would look so cute in glasses.’” Magnus paused from his reading and looked up. “He does,” he assured them. “He does.”

Alec poked Magnus’ foot with his own. “I don’t. Next.”

“'No hate or anything, but I think Alec looks better with @ClaryFraychildArts. They just seem to have the same sense of humor’,” Magnus read.

Alec choked. “What?! Me and Clary? That Clary? Doesn’t the person know she’s dating Jace?”

Magnus shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not.”

“But .... me and Clary? That would never work out.” Alec looked desperate.

Magnus snorted at that. “What, because you’re horrendously gay?”

Alec crossed his arms and glared. “No … er, yes, but not only because of that. Shut up!” he exclaimed when Magnus started giggling. “Clary and I are just too different. Okay, we might be sarcastic even in our death graves, but that’s it. No more.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

When Alec glowered, Magnus hurried to continue.

“'Alec reminds me of Nico di Angelo.’ Who’s that?” Magnus asked. Alec waved his hand dismissively.

“Nah, just a depressed, lonely and shut out boy from Percy Jackson series. He’s the child of Hades, so he’s naturally sullen.”

Magnus frowned. “But he’s on the good side?”

Alec shrugged. “Well, yes. And he’s saved Percy’s lives like four times, at least.”

Magnus seemed content with that, because he read the next comment.

“Pick a Harry Potter-spell.”

“Expelliarmus.”

“No. I like Accio. Or maybe Stupefy.”

“Gods, you’re such a nerd. I only know Avada Kedavra and Expelliarmus.”

“Imagine yourself in a Maze Runner-universe. Imagine that you’ve recently arrived to the Glade. What would you do?”

“Er, try to fit in, find my place, help the others and eventually try to solve the maze.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Magnus snorted and gave Alec the phone.

“If you could pickle anything, what would you pickle?” Alec asked.

“I would actually pickle a pickle,” Magnus declared. Alec shot him a strange look.

“That would just be like, a more intense pickle.”

“Exactly.”

Shaking his head, Alec continued. “Say your favorite Dan and Phil quote.”

Magnus looked delighted.

“I love them! Okay, here goes: ‘Don’t cry …”

“CRAFT!” they both yelled in unison. Magnus nearly started crying with laughter, but Alec said through his giggles: “Honestly though. That one is so over-used. You see it everywhere.”

“True. Well, I like this one too: ‘I am like a dry, crusty sponge that just needs some time to absorb liquid so it can -”

“- this is the most disgusting sentence I have ever said,” Alec filled in, and grinned when Magnus looked surprised. “You’re not the only one who watches Dan.”

“True that. Are you more of a Dan-fan or Phil-fan?”

Alec frowned. “Why do I have to choose? Can’t I just like both?”

Magnus stared at him in wonder.

“That,” he whispered, “is the smartest thing you’ve said today.”

“Bleh, shut up. ‘What happens if you get half scared to death twice?'”

Magnus snorted. “Easy. You die, because … wait, two separate times? But then your heart has calmed down, so … what? What? No! I can’t answer this. I can’t answer it. Keep going!”

“Ravenclaw or Slytherin?”

“Slytherin.”

“Dean Winchester plus the Impala equals better love story than Twilight. True or false?”

“Freaking true. The Impala is literally the only thing he reamins faithful to.”

“Didn’t he sort of smash the Impala when their -”

“NO SPOILERS!” Magnus screamed, and Alec quickly shut up. Spoilers was not something Magnus liked.

“Well, okay fine. ‘Drarry or Drinny?'”

“Drarry!” Magnus shouted and pumped his fists. “Gay all the way!”

“Snily or Jily?”

“Jily. Otherwise there wouldn’t be a story.”

“It would,” Alec pointed out, “just with a different plot.”

“Damn, stop being so insightful.”

“I’m not. And there’s only one comment left on this video. ‘If you could choose what surname you had, what would you choose?”

Magnus didn’t even hesitate. “Lightwood-Bane.”

Alec laughed. “Ugh, that sounds horrible. But better than Bane-Lightwood.” He laughed again and shook his head.

"Well, imagine Magnus Lightwood," said Magnus playfully.

"Or Alec Bane. Gods, that's even worse," Alec groaned.

"I like that we're discussing what we would call ourselves if we got married," said Magnus. Alec rolled his eyes. 

"Shut up," he said, "and finish the video. I don't know how to do it. Should we just say goodbye?"

"That would be rude," Magnus commented. "I'm going to remove this from the video. This is how you do it."

He stood up and walked over to the camera. "Well, I suppose that's all for today. Uh, vote in the comments; should we call it AlecIsNotSparkling or AlecIsNotYourBitch? Also, please send us more questions or dares to do! And subscribe to this channel. If you're lucky, Alec might start posting his own videos."

Alec snorted from behind. "You wish," he said, and grinned.

Notes:

Did you see which questions that were from Pinof?
Excuse the horrible ending. Might edit it later.

And, what should I call this: AlecIsNotSparkling or AlecIsNotYourBitch?
Because, Alecisnotyourbitch is funnier cause it's a cookie from original, but also alecisnotsparkling is parallell to philisnotonfire, and makes more sense due to Magnus' channel name.
Also, if I get inspiration enough, I might make a part two of this story. Write questions, 'comments' and dares in the comments, if you'd like! Not sure I'm going to continue, but maybe. Any sort of idea of next fic in this verse is appreciated! Collabs, another "pinof", trying something new ... anything.
Thanks for reading.

EDIT: Poll closed. Well, it was never a poll. Voting closed, then. Whatever. I have decided a name, soo

NEW EDIT: I need ideas for my next fic! It's been almost 2 months since I wrote something so I'm a bit rusty. Anyways, I've recently spent almost 1 hour on looking for ideas of my next fanfic. PLEASEPLEASE tell me something! I can't exactly do just short 'vlog'-fanfics because it's a whole other thing to write a whole text about it than just turning on your camera and talking. So I need something that can 'fill' a whole fanfic, you know? Suggest video games, board games, challenges, etc.

Oh, and; I'm planning on bringing Simon, CLary, Izzy and Jace in for another video-fanfic. I just don't know what shipping to use! Clace is obvious, but I can't decide between Sizzy and Saphael

So yeah, PLEASE comment what you think!

OKAY SORRY BUT ANOTHER EDIT:

It's the end of July now. The last time I wrote a fic was in the beginning of April. So sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm suffering an Author's block, plus the computer I use to write on is kinda unavailable right now. I do have Another one, but it's old as shit.

To keep it short; I am not dead! I will continute this serie, I will keep uploading my works, I promise! Just not ... right now.

Thank you all for all your comments. I read every one of them and I get just as happy for each. They mean more than you think

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 3 of Youtube/Mundane!AU