Chapter Text
Jackie Taylor is not homophobic, she swears.
In fact, she thinks she’s a pretty great ally, if she’s allowed to say that. She still remembers the day Shauna had anxiously come out to her, all glassy eyed and shy in a way Jackie had never seen her before, but all she felt at the time was happiness that Shauna had trusted her enough to tell her.
That’s not even to mention that her best friend, Van, is a lesbian. And she loves Heavenly Creatures! The ending even made her tear up!
So, no, Jackie is definitely not homophobic.
She doesn’t even care that Shauna is bringing girls over!
Well, a girl.
She doesn’t care that Shauna brings Lottie Matthews over at all, but the least the two of them can do is keep the noise down. That’s where her annoyance starts. Don’t either of them realise she has a class at nine every Monday morning? She needs all the beauty sleep she can get, especially on a Sunday night, but no. Instead, she gets a slam of a bedroom door, the banging of Shauna’s bed against the wall and fuck, Lottie, yes, right there– and all the while Jackie is tossing and turning in her own bed, holding her pillows against her ears because she doesn’t want to hear Shauna. Not when she’s moaning Lottie’s name like that, anyway.
It’s 8:03am now. Jackie stands over her kitchen stove, tending to her breakfast as it cooks. It should have been cooked half an hour ago, but thanks to the fact that Shauna and Lottie didn’t stop until four in the morning, Jackie decided to take that extra half hour to sleep some more instead. The consequences of her actions now being that this whole morning has been one mad rush to get ready and eat.
Still, she dares not skip breakfast. She used to, when she was at school. A bunch of unneeded calories, her mom used to tell her. Jackie used to believe her too, until she started sleeping over at Shauna’s house and Shauna’s mom would wake them both up to eggs and bacon and cinnamon toast.
That’s what she’s making now. Well, not the cinnamon toast. She doesn’t have the time for that. But she is making eggs and bacon.
The bacon grease bubbles away at the bottom of the pan, and Jackie stares at it as it does, but her mind is completely off elsewhere. Shauna, Lottie, last night, when will they stop, it’s becoming a problem… just all the usual concerns that hit you when you first wake up in the morning. She’s just about to theorise what exactly Lottie did last night to make Shauna cry out the way she did, when suddenly a creaking of a door pulls her back into reality. Jackie looks up from the food just in time to catch Lottie as she emerges from the hall to their bedrooms.
She looks… disheveled . Like she’s only just woken up and rolled out of bed. But she still finds the time to give Jackie a tiny smile and a yawned good morning before she’s legging it out the door.
A new spike of anger juts up inside of Jackie then. Of course, she isn’t rude enough to scowl right at Lottie’s face, but as soon as she’s out of sight, Jackie feels the grimace as it crawls onto her.
Really, Shauna? Why Lottie? You guys have had sex, like, a million times now and she still thinks it’s okay to do the walk of shame out of here! Instead of, Jackie doesn’t know, staying over a little longer? Kissing Shauna good morning? Making her breakfast, maybe? Anything a good partner would do.
God, Jackie doesn’t get it. All she knows is that she doesn’t like Lottie Matthews, and–
Ssszzzz.
Jackie’s attention is recaptured by her food, more specifically by the sound of her egg sizzling against the bottom of the pan. Fuck! It’s burning! Great, another thing to add to Lottie Matthews’ long and ever growing list of crimes: burning Jackie’s breakfast.
Luckily, it’s only one of the eggs that’s really been charred. Jackie supposes she’ll have that one, dishing it onto one plate while she spoons the other onto a second plate for Shauna. Then she grabs the bacon pan, unloading half of it onto her plate before putting it back onto the stove top. Shauna likes her bacon crispier, so Jackie wolfs her own breakfast down before finally taking Shauna’s off the heat, plating it up and then putting it in the microwave. She knows that with Lottie gone, it’s only a short matter of time before Shauna is up as well, so it’ll still be warm in there by the time she makes it to the kitchen.
Glancing at the clock on the windowsill, Jackie realises she doesn’t have enough time to wash any of her dishes, or scrub the burn marks off the bottom of her egg pan, so she leaves them in the sink. She’ll clean them when she’s back from class. For now, it’s already another mad rush to get from her dorm to campus, then from the campus gates to her lecture hall, but all in all, Jackie thinks she makes it in good time. Or, at the very least, she manages to slip into the lecture hall just a couple minutes after it started, and thankfully she seems to go unnoticed as she slots herself into one of the seats at the back.
She swears she’s ready to learn as she pulls out her notepad, sitting up straight in her chair, except everything her professor says is kind of going through one ear and then straight out the other. The only thing that really grabs Jackie’s attention is the arrival of classmates who are even later than she was, and that’s mostly because she feels a silent bit of consolation with each one.
For the most part, Jackie’s mind is still fixated on last night. It just won’t leave her head, but can you blame her? The sounds Shauna was making are hardly easy to forget, what with them reverberating around Jackie’s skull in a shrill noise, ricocheting around as if to torment her. Then there was this morning, and the way Lottie had barely said a word before bolting it out of their apartment. Seriously, where were her manners? It’s a question Jackie thinks she’ll never get an answer to, but she still continues to seethe over it in silence, the droning of her professor’s voice and pens scratching against paper an irrelevant background noise as she watches the pages of notebooks around her begin to fill up.
It’s a relief when they’re finally dismissed. Jackie doesn’t even notice it, too lost in her own world until people begin to stand up around her, their chairs scratching against the floor. At last, she can let herself go a little bit. Sitting in that lecture hall for four hours straight has always probably been the most exhausting part of her week anyway, but it’s only been made even worse ever since Shauna and Lottie started their little… thing they have going on. So it’s nice to be able to stretch her legs as she walks out the auditorium, stomping them against the ground a little as well, just to push out the rest of that pent up stress that had spent the last four hours smouldering inside of her.
What Jackie really could do with right now is a relaxation session back in her bed, but it’s not like she can go home and unwind just yet. No, etched into her Monday routine, just after her lecture finishes, is lunch with Tai and Van. Jackie’s lecture ends at one, Tai has a class that starts at two, and Van likes to head off to the video store at least once a week, so she tags along with them as well. It just makes sense, and although Jackie’s brooding right now, she can’t pretend she doesn’t look forward to the company of her friends.
So Jackie heads off in the direction of the cafeteria. Thanks to the time of day, it’s a little busy when she arrives, but it doesn’t take her long to spot Tai and Van. They’re hard to miss, what with the larger than life way Van is waving her over. That, and her fiery red hair. Jackie kind of wants to laugh at her, even from all the way across the hall, but decides to send her a playful look instead. At least she knows the problems of this morning will dissolve the second she sits down with her friends, so Jackie hurries up to grab lunch from the front counter before joining them at their table.
Or if only she were so lucky. Even after she greets her friends hello, sinking down into the chair they’ve pulled aside for her and popping open the lid of her lunch, Shauna and Lottie are still all she can think about. Van and Tai are arguing about who the best Spice Girl is, a topic Jackie would usually be much more passionate about (it’s Posh Spice, by the way), if she wasn’t so distracted by the two-woman show that Shauna and Lottie are headlining in her brain right now. Lottie’s tongue down Shauna’s throat, Shauna’s hands under Lottie’s clothes, Lottie’s–
Jackie ends up stabbing her salad with her fork. Maybe a little too hard, because both Tai and Van both stop talking, each flashing her a similarly strange look at the same time.
“Seriously, Jackie? What’s wrong?” Van says.
“What?”
“You’ve been quiet and pissy since you got here.”
“Have I?”
“Yeah.” Tai nods, still eyeing Jackie strangely, while at least Van seems to have grown something of a concerned expression.
Jackie sighs. She’s tempted to keep her mouth shut, or maybe argue that no , she’s not been being pissy , but she knows it’s no use. Even if she hadn’t been making her bad mood painfully obvious all day, the two of them could probably read Jackie like a book by now. Not as fluently as Shauna could, of course, but probably pretty close.
After all, they had been friends for a while now. Ever since they had met at their college’s GSA, when she went to accompany Shauna to the first ever meeting. As an ally, of course. Shauna and Tai had hit it off pretty instantly, a quick pair of best friends in a way that had scared Jackie a little bit at first, but Shauna had been even quicker to reassure her that it was okay. Jackie was still her most special friend. The word best friend didn’t even do justice to the bond she and Jackie shared anyway.
Friendship with Tai and Van became easy after that. In fact, Shauna and Tai’s friendship had kind of inadvertently paved the way for Jackie and Van’s own little duo, and now Jackie supposes she has a best friend too. So now she’s in a quad with her best friend, her best friend’s girlfriend, who is also her friend, and also her special friend. It’s pretty great.
“You wanna take a stab at it?” Jackie asks.
“Looks like you’ve already got that covered.” Tai gestures to the fork that Jackie still twirls around in her fingers. Van snorts. Jackie rolls her eyes.
“Whatever,” she says, dropping the fork. “It’s Lottie Matthews.”
“Again?” Van’s groan is in unison with Tai’s.
“Yes, again! It’s not like the problem solved itself overnight or anything. Actually, it gets worse at night!”
“You can’t put a curfew on them fucking, I guess,” Tai speaks.
Jackie frowns, because she doesn’t want to seem like she’s controlling Shauna’s life and choices. But…
“It’s just… it’s not fair, guys! She’s taking Shauna away from me.”
Both Tai and Van stare at Jackie in silence then. A few moments pass with no words exchanged, nothing other than the sound of groups chattering on the tables around them, and Jackie huffs. She picks up her fork again and continues with her lunch. It’s not like Tai or Van would understand anyway. She loves them, but they don’t need to worry about this because they’re dating each other. No need for them to get concerned over the questionable and frankly annoying sexual choices of their special person, so of course they’re looking at her like this. Tai’s lip is twitching, like she wants to say something but is holding herself back. Van’s expression, meanwhile, is completely unreadable, and Jackie is in no mood to decipher it. Although she kind of wishes she had when Van opens her mouth next, capturing her completely off guard.
“When was the last time you had sex?”
“What?” Jackie’s face goes red, much like the tomato she just almost choked on in surprise. “I don’t know…”
That’s a lie. Jackie does know. It was a couple months ago now, right at the tail end of senior year, when she had finally let Jeff take her virginity. It was also the most underwhelming night of her life. Years of saving herself, dreaming about the perfect moment, only for her to end up faking it when the time actually came. She broke up with Jeff two days after that and has been ignoring his desperate pleas to get back together ever since. Thankfully, those have been much easier to avoid since she moved into her new dorm, complete with a new address and phone number to go with it.
“Do you think, maybe…” Van begins, and she seems a little unsure of her own suggestion, but continues anyway. “You just need to bone someone?”
“Oh my god, Van. No. No, definitely not.”
Jackie is taken aback by Van’s idea, rigorously shaking her head. Sex can’t be the problem, because it hasn’t been on her mind at all. None of the guys in her classes entice her even just a little bit, she’s yet to feel anything for a single guy at a party she’s gone to, and not even any of the guys she’s walked past on campus have caught her eye yet. So, no, Jackie doesn’t think about sex. Well, not unless you count the hours she spends obsessing over Shauna having sex with Lottie. But she doesn’t, because Jackie’s not the one having the sex. Shauna is. With Lottie.
She feels herself growing angry again.
“No, I don’t need sex. Or want it,” Jackie fumes. “What I do need is for Shauna and Lottie to stop .”
Tai sighs now.
“Have you ever thought about why you want them to stop?”
Van shoots her a warning glare. Jackie’s not sure why, because it’s a simple question with a simple answer.
“Lottie’s not good enough for her.”
“Why not?” Tai prods further.
“Because…” Jackie ponders for a moment. She’s never really been asked to explain herself like this, but the answer comes naturally anyway. “Because I know what makes Shauna happy. And it’s not Lottie.”
“Well, she might not make her happy, but she does make her scream , apparently–”
“ Tai .” Van cuts in now, though any sternness she might have been trying to muster is ruined by the bubbling laughter Jackie can hear in her throat. Tai looks over at her with a shiteating grin of her own.
It’s hopeless. Jackie knows she won’t win them to her side with the whole Lottie situation. If anything, they’re trying to win her over to Lottie’s side, or at the very least they’re being weirdly dismissive of how Shauna and Lottie’s relationship makes her feel, and that frustrates Jackie all the more. Couldn’t they just have her back? They’re supposed to be her friends.
Luckily, she’s on her last leaf of lettuce. Wordless while Tai and Van laugh among themselves, Jackie shoves the final mouthful of lunch in her mouth, chews and swallows before dropping the fork back into the container it came in. She stands up then, and that seems to quieten the other two down.
“Come on, Jackie. I didn’t mean it badly.” Tai attempts.
Jackie pauses before walking away entirely. She considers sitting back down and letting the whole thing go, but the thought of some space is all too tempting now she’s actually on her feet. Instead, she offers Tai a smile that goes a little too far up to her eyes.
“No, don’t worry, Tai. I’m not mad.” It’s a little bit of a lie, but Jackie’s already too pissed off with Lottie to have the energy to direct that anger at Tai too, beyond a tiny, internal simmer. “I’m just gonna head to the library. I have an assignment due next week.”
Before either of them can speak, Jackie turns on her heel and leaves them both behind.
It’s true, she does have an assignment due next week, but she had been planning on working on that over the weekend. Still, her feet guide her in the direction of the library anyway, and the quietness of the place is like a respite as soon as she steps foot inside. Maybe that’s why she came here. It’s nice to have an undisturbed place to calm her mind before she returns home.
But, after ten minutes of sitting at a secluded desk in the corner, Jackie figures she might as well get some work done while she’s here, even if it’s just a paragraph or two. It’s hard to get her to come to the library otherwise. Taking her notebook and pen out of her bag, and then fishing around the nearby shelves for a relevant textbook, Jackie is finally ready to get started on her essay assignment.
All she ends up writing is the title of the essay before she’s staring off into space.
Shauna loves the library. It’s probably her favourite place on campus. Jackie finds it kind of adorable, just how often she’s here. Every other day, at least. There’s just something about the place that Shauna seems to love. So much so that she’s even skipped out on a few socials because the library staff needed some help archiving a couple of old releases, and Shauna had been more than happy to volunteer herself. The old lady who runs the place had taken a real liking to Shauna then, so she decided to lift the cap on the amount of books Shauna’s allowed to borrow at once. Jackie’s seen Shauna walk through their front door with a literal bag of books in tow, and yet she’s still never had a single penalty for a late return on her record.
A dopey grin finds itself onto Jackie’s face the more she thinks about it, and she’s only pulled from her thoughts by the sound of a chair, scraping against the hardwood floor as somebody gets up.
Jackie glances over to find that it’s another student. A guy who’s a little on the shorter side, with shaggy brown hair and something of a timid energy to him as he crosses the room to one of the bookshelves, but that completely vanishes when he starts flicking through the titles that sit on it. He kind of reminds her of Shauna in that way, and for some reason Jackie thinks back to her conversation earlier, and Van’s advice, how maybe she just needs to bone someone.
Yeah. Jackie could have sex with this guy, right?
Wrong. The moment she starts to actually, properly think about having sex with this guy, her face grows clammy, an uncomfortable feeling rooting itself in her stomach like the pit of an avocado. Suddenly, this guy stops reminding her of Shauna, and Jackie’s confused how he even did to begin with, because he’s most definitely Jeff . Jeff and his messy hands and sloppy kisses and the pathetic way he thrusted in and out of her that night. Jackie shudders, looking back down at her page. She decides she’s not going to look up again until she’s written at least one paragraph.
Somehow, with a couple hours, one paragraph turns into four. Jackie’s feeling pretty proud of herself when she finally sets her pen down for good, closing the textbook she had been using. Thankfully, the guy is gone when she finally braves a glance up. So too is the sun beginning to set outside, she realises, and, really, Jackie hadn’t meant to stay this long. Packing her half written essay in her bag and then reshelving the book she had borrowed, Jackie leaves the library and finally heads back to her dorm.
The walk through campus is quiet, seeing as most people have vacated by now. From the campus gate to her apartment block is even quieter, which is always a little odd seeing as it’s almost all students who live in this building, but she guesses it’s a little too early for pregame drinks for tonight’s partiers to have started yet.
Not that partying is even on her mind for tonight, though. No, Jackie is just grateful when she reaches her front doorstep, wondering how she managed to stay out so long today after so little sleep, eager in the way she twists her key in the door lock.
The first thing that hits her when she walks inside is the savory scent of whatever Shauna’s cooking. Jackie feels her stomach rumble then. She hadn’t even realised she was hungry.
Stepping further inside, Jackie closes the door behind her, kicks off her shoes and hangs her jacket on the coat rack. She’s light on her feet, so Shauna doesn’t even notice as she walks into the main room of their apartment. Instead her back is turned, unassuming as she focuses on pushing meat around the wok she’s cooking in. Jackie pauses, watches Shauna for a few moments while she works, then finally clears her throat.
“Hi,” is all she says.
Shauna starts a little then, looking over her shoulder with eyes that are slightly wide before her face relaxes when she takes Jackie in. She offers her a warm smile. “There you are.”
“Here I am.” Jackie nods. She drops her bag down next to the couch before approaching Shauna in the kitchen, peeking over her shoulder to see what she’s doing as she leans up and grabs a glass of water from their overhead cupboard.
“What took you so long?” Shauna asks. “I was starting to get a little worried.”
“What, that you were making dinner and my food was gonna get cold?”
“Yeah, actually. I was going to assemble a search party.”
“Shush.” Jackie rolls her eyes but grins, filling her glass with water and then taking a swig. “I just went to the library. I got a start on that assignment.”
“I thought you were gonna do that over the weekend? We were gonna study together.”
“Changed my mind. But don’t worry, I didn’t forget, and I haven’t finished it yet. We can still study together.”
“Cool. Good,” Shauna says resolutely, then announces, “I’m making dinner.”
“I can see!”
“It’s honey chicken.”
“Smells amazing.”
“Thanks. Can you get me the ginger? I forgot to put some in.”
Jackie sets her water glass down on the counter. As she does, she notices the morning’s breakfast dishes and pans sitting clean in the drying rack, and a smile curls itself onto her lips.
“Yeah, sure.”
She moves over to the fridge, looks around for the ginger before spotting it on one of the shelves on the door, and then delivers it back to Shauna.
“Do you want any help?”
“I’m fine, it’s really easy.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”
“I am. You can go sit down.”
“Okay.”
Jackie picks her glass up again and walks back to the couch, practically throwing herself down onto it. She knows she should probably go to her room, change into some more comfortable clothes, maybe squeeze in a quick shower before it’s time to eat, but now she’s sitting down, her limbs have suddenly grown tired. All she wants to do is rest here and watch Shauna while she cooks.
This is just another part of Jackie’s Monday routine, after all. Lunch with Tai and Van, then dinner cooked by Shauna in the evening, because even though Shauna’s class schedule is packed, she still manages to find the time to cook for them both, even on her one day off a week. So, every week, Jackie finds herself coming home after her early start just to watch Shauna while she cooks, and then eat whatever she makes.
Once again, Jackie finds herself smiling. It’s nice, this little thing she shares with Shauna. Certainly something she can get used to. Well, it has been something she’s been getting used to. Jackie making breakfasts, then coming home to Shauna making dinners. Though it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way. Shauna could make breakfast and Jackie could make dinner. The specifics don’t really matter. She just likes being around Shauna.
She always has, really. That’s not news. Ever since they were at school, the two of them were attached at the hip. Completely inseparable from the very day they met. But living together is different. Jackie thought it would be like an extended sleepover, which isn’t something she was unused to with Shauna, seeing as she probably spent more nights at Shauna’s place than she did her own towards the end of high school. But no, actually living with Shauna is a whole other beast entirely. A beast Jackie didn’t even need to try and tame, mind you, because everything’s gone perfectly from the very second they had moved in.
Would it make Jackie crazy to say she could picture doing this with Shauna for the rest of her life? Shauna dishes a bed of rice onto each of their dinner plates, and Jackie can only feel fondness swell in her chest as she watches, silently giggling at the tiny little bit of heat-frazzled hair that falls from Shauna’s face to her shoulder.
Shauna just makes everything feel good . Even the mundane parts of life, like watching somebody cook while you’re really, really hungry. Or when Jackie is sorting through their laundry and that one flannel is in the wash again because Shauna loves wearing it that much. Or even when it’s her turn to take the garbage out, and she notices an empty wrapper of Kopikos sitting on top as she ties the bag up, because Shauna loves sucking on those things.
Domesticity with Shauna. What a dream. Jackie kind of wants college to last forever, if it means she gets to live with Shauna forever too. Her heart does a little happy dance in her chest at just the thought of that, and it just grows into more of a routine when she imagines what life would really be like if she got to wake up with Shauna, spend everyday, fall asleep next to her, then do it all over again the next day. Never, ever getting bored.
Then again, maybe Jackie doesn’t want college specifically to last forever, because their apartment building doesn’t allow pets, and she thinks she and Shauna would make excellent pet moms. When they have enough money to look after them.
“Hey, Shauna?”
“Hm?”
“What kind of pet would you want?”
“Uh, I don’t know. A cat probably.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” Shauna confirms. Jackie chuckles. “What? They’re underrated! They’re cute and low maintenance. Unlike a dog.”
“Hey, I’d choose a dog! A weenie dog.”
Shauna laughs.
“A dachshund?”
“Yeah, they’re cute! They kinda look like you. You know, the eyes.”
“Not sure if I should take this as a compliment or not.”
“Definitely a compliment,” Jackie reassures, and although she speaks lightheartedly, she means it with one hundred percent sincerity. She knows how much Shauna can get caught up in her own head sometimes.
“I guess we’ll just have to adopt the cat and the weenie at the same time, so they can get used to each other.”
Jackie grins. That warm feeling in her chest is back too, because it’s one thing to imagine a future with Shauna at her side, but it’s another to hear Shauna imagining it aloud with her.
Until, for some reason, at that very moment her mind painstakingly decides to remind her of this morning. The image of Lottie specifically, how she had skirted past their kitchen island, poking at her like a stick to a wild bear. The happiness inside of Jackie is doused out at once, though not by the hot anger she had spent the day trying to fan away. No, now she just feels her mood dampen out completely. She feels sad .
Sure, she and Shauna can talk about it like this, but they’re still just laughing and joking around at the end of the day. Shauna’s going to find someone. Well, she’s already found someone, so Jackie will find someone too, and they’ll go move in with their new partners and start lives with those people instead.
Maybe they can be next door neighbours or something?
Nope, that doesn’t lift Jackie’s spirits.
Tai and Van appear in her mind then. The conversation they had been having earlier, when they were asking her what her problem with Lottie was in the first place, and why Jackie didn’t think she was good enough for Shauna. She wonders what they would have gone on to say if she hadn’t left so suddenly. Maybe that she’s blind, and Lottie and Shauna are a great match, and she needs to stop being such a buzzkill. Maybe some tough love, that Shauna is clearly falling head over heels for Lottie, so she needs to get over her reservations now before they start causing real trouble later on. Or, maybe they would ask if she’s homophobic, because what other reason does Jackie have to hate about Shauna having a clearly very fulfilling relationship with another woman?
No! Jackie’s not homophobic. She can’t be homophobic. Maybe that’s why she blurts the next question out without really thinking of the consequences, because she needs to prove to herself that she’s okay with whatever the answer will be.
“So, is Lottie your girlfriend?”
“What?” Shauna seems startled by the question, dropping her wooden spoon and spinning around to face Jackie. “No.”
“Careful,” Jackie advises, because Lottie Matthews had already made her burn food this morning. It didn’t need to happen again.
“Right.” Shauna quickly recollects herself from what seemed like a sudden strike of panic from Jackie’s question. She pulls the wok from the lit up hob. “It’s done anyway.”
“So, is she?”
“No. She’s not.”
“Oh, I just thought–”
“Nope.”
“Just the way you two are. You guys, like, fuck like–”
“Jackie, she’s not my girlfriend.” Shauna snaps now. Her tone is impatient. Slightly acidic. Jackie doesn’t like how it’s directed at her.
“Okay, Shipman, jeez. Relax.” She surrenders quickly, but she’s still not quite mature enough to try and fan off into another topic. “It was just a question.”
Shauna exhales. Her body loosens a little, voice softening. “Okay. Well, yeah. She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Okay. Sorry. I just assumed.”
“No. It’s… it’s more of a friends with benefits thing, I guess?” Shauna’s face heats up as she explains herself, and she seems to distract herself by dishing the cooked chicken onto the dinner plates.
“And… you don’t think it’ll ever become more than friends?” Jackie asks. She can’t quite explain why she feels so hopeful all of a sudden.
“No. Definitely not,” Shauna responds, then her eyebrows furrow guiltily. “I mean, I love Lottie. She’s one of my closest friends. But this whole thing started because there’s this other girl she’s really hung up on, and I– and yeah. It’s kind of an outlet for her. I guess.”
Jackie’s so over the moon with Shauna’s clarification that she doesn’t even realise how Shauna stumbles over her words. No, she’s more focused on the brilliant fact that Shauna and Lottie are not a couple and, according to Shauna, they definitely won’t be becoming one. Lottie is too hung up on some other mystery girl. God, if only Jackie knew who that mystery girl was. She would show up to her doorstep with chocolates and a thank you card. That’s how delighted she is.
Shauna’s words have pumped a whole new life into her all of a sudden. She really needs to start counting her lucky stars. If she was wise, she would go out and buy a scratch card or a lottery ticket, that’s how blessed Jackie feels right now, but she can’t really go do that when Shauna is looking at her expectantly. Waiting for an answer.
“Oh. That’s sad for her,” she says.
“Yeah, well, she’s coping with it, I suppose.”
Not in the best way, Jackie thinks. Actually, in a really annoying way that has caused a lot of nuisance and stress in Jackie’s life. But she can’t be mad right now. Not in the wake of such happy news.
“Well, enough about Lottie,” Jackie finally dismisses the topic with a wave of her hand. “Is the food done? I’m going to start wasting away here.”
“Yes, it’s ready. With or without your dramatics.”
Shauna walks over to the couch with two plates, passing Jackie one over before sitting next to her. Jackie’s mouth is watering as she looks down at the food. Shauna is such an amazing cook. She’s generous with her portions too. Loads Jackie’s plate up way more than her mom ever did.
“Compliments to the chef,” Jackie says.
“Shut up.”
There’s no real malice in Shauna’s voice, but there is the ghost of laughter. Jackie considers it a win.
The rest of the night is spent mostly right where Jackie is sitting. She eats dinner with Shauna, tells her about her dreary lecture and her impromptu library trip. Of course, she neglects to mention why she had been so distracted during the class, and she decides it’s also for the best if she omits the detail of the guy she saw in the library too. Shauna doesn’t need to know about that.
Besides, Shauna’s also more than ready to talk about her own day, although she didn’t get up to much, apparently. She thanks Jackie for breakfast before telling her about a phone call to her mom, that was meant to be half an hour but turned into three.
(“She said hi, by the way.”
“Oh, make sure she knows I say it back!”
“I already did.”)
A few more hours of idle chatter pass before they decide they should head to bed, although Jackie is a little reluctant as she rises to her feet. It’s not like Shauna has made it easy for her, given how she’s snuggled herself up to Jackie’s side across the duration of the evening, and she doesn’t seem to want to get up either. As if it wasn’t her idea to call it a night in the first place.
Somehow, they manage it, and only after Jackie’s bedroom door is closed firmly behind her does she do a little happy dance. It’s not just because of how elated she feels having spent the past few hours cuddled at Shauna’s side, though that definitely helps.
No, the true reason for Jackie’s joy is because she’s still celebrating the fact that Shauna and Lottie are not a thing. It’s a little weird how ecstatic it makes her, but she certainly has no qualms as she climbs into bed, freshened up after she finally has her shower. She rests easy that night.
Unfortunately, her relief does not last long.
Jackie wakes with a start the next morning. Shauna is the first thing on her mind, though that in and of itself isn’t unusual. Shauna’s often the first thing on her mind in the morning, just like she’s the last thing on her mind at night. What is unusual is the feeling of dread that comes with the thought of her. Jackie’s never had this feeling before, sitting heavy in her chest like a thick sludge, threatening to writhe its gross way through her.
Why?
She thinks back to last night. Had something gone wrong, that for some reason she was only just registering now? No, surely not. Other than the small dispute over Lottie, which was quickly cleaned up anyway, last night had been pretty great. Having dinner together, dumb conversation while they inched closer and closer, just enjoying each other’s company. And none of that’s to even mention that Jackie also received the best news she could ever have in her life. That Shauna and Lottie are definitely not a thing, and–
Fuck.
That’s it. That’s the problem.
It’s not like Jackie ever answered her own question last night. She didn’t come to a conclusion after she tested her theory of whether she’s homophobic or not. No, instead she had just heard that Shauna isn’t dating Lottie, and the question flew from her mind completely, because she was too busy celebrating to even remember why she had asked it in the first place.
Fuck.
Again, fuck. Shauna had told her, all red in the face, probably blotchy with sadness and tears that had not yet spilt, that she and Lottie were just friends with benefits. Nothing more. And Jackie had celebrated.
Shouldn’t she be happy for her best friend, if she ends up finding her match? Hell, she had worked effortlessly back at school to try and hook Shauna up with Randy Walsh. But now, with Lottie, it’s suddenly a problem that they might be dating, and an elation when they aren’t?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Jackie realises she might actually be homophobic.
She bolts upright then, a cold sweat coming over her as her head darts in the direction of her bedside table. 11:17am, her clock reads.
Okay, cool. Shauna should be in class by now. That means the apartment is hers and hers alone, with about four hours before Shauna returns. Four hours to unlearn this homophobia.
Fuck. Where does Jackie even start? Does she watch Heavenly Creatures again? No, she had left the VHS tape back at her parents’ house, so that’s no good…
Jackie gets up then, and starts nervously pacing around her bedroom. She always does this, when she has something on her mind. Something she’s anxious about, or something she needs to figure out. It became a real habit on the nights before their soccer games back at school. Back then, Shauna would grab her hands and pull her back down to bed, whispering reassurances in her ear.
Those memories, usually so fond, are stained with guilt now. Jackie doesn’t deserve Shauna. Shauna is her best friend, and turns out Jackie is a massive homophobe. A person who is against everything that makes Shauna, well… Shauna.
What is she supposed to do?
She finally stops pacing when she reaches her mirror. Though, when Jackie stares at her own reflection, she can feel nothing but disdain for herself. Still, it’s a better feeling than whatever type of sin it must be to look at the photos of Shauna she has tacked up all around the mirror frame. Not that she can stop herself from doing it anyway.
Her and Shauna, on their peewee soccer team, ball in midair as baby Jackie kicked it over to baby Shauna. Her and Shauna, slumped over at a party, sharing in a drunken, sleepy haze. Her and Shauna, a pizza box between them and a slice in Shauna’s hand, the day they moved in and neither of them could be bothered to cook.
And then there’s one of just Shauna, and it’s Jackie’s favourite. It had been raining that day, and for some reason she and Shauna had decided to drive all the way out, right to the outskirts of Wiskayok. They had stopped on this one grassy backroad that no cars really went down, so when they shut the engine off there was nothing but the sound of the rain pattering against the windows, and they just sat there and listened. Shauna loved the rain, and Jackie was so glad that she had decided to wear the jacket that had her camera in the pocket, because she had just enough time to set it up for a photo before Shauna turned to face her, eyes bright with a lopsided little smile on her face.
Now that photo is tacked right at the top centre of Jackie’s mirror, and those same bright eyes are staring at her now. Big, brown, and so, so warm, even through put through digital and then on print, and Jackie kind of wants to burst into tears, because how can she be someone who is so fundamentally against those eyes?
She needs help. Desperately.
It’s that desperation that brings her to the telephone, grabbing the receiver and tucking it against her ear as she punches in a few numbers she has memorised by now. It rings a couple of times before–
“Hello?” Van’s voice fuzzes through.
“Van. It’s Jackie. I-I need to talk to you about something. It’s, like, kind of urgent.”
“Woah, Jackie. What’s wrong? Is Shauna there?”
“No, she’s– she’s in class. And I just– please, can I come to yours?”
“No, no. I’ll come to you.” Van’s tone is serious, Jackie can tell even through the telephone static. It’s not a tone of voice Jackie hears from her often. “You just stay there, okay? I’ll be, like, fifteen minutes?”
“Okay.”
“See you soon.”
“Bye. See you.”
When Van hangs up, Jackie takes a deep breath. Her heart had started pounding in her chest at some point while she was on the phone, but it’s okay. Jackie feels a little better already, because Van is, like, one of the gayest people she knows. If anyone can solve this, it’s her.
In the fifteen minutes it takes for Van to walk over, Jackie gets ready for the day like she normally would. She shrugs off her pyjamas, puts on a fresh set of clothes, and makes her bed. The routine is comforting, in a way. Like her life is not totally off the rails just yet. As she opens her curtains, her eyes land on a couple kids sitting on a bench outside, passing a cigarette between themselves. She wonders if they’re homophobic like she is, but she doesn’t have time to give it much thought before there’s a knocking on her door.
Jackie rushes to answer it.
“Hi,” she says as she opens the door. She sounds breathless.
“What’s happened?” Van wastes no time in cutting straight to the point.
“Just come in. Please.” Jackie opens the door wider for Van to enter. When she shuts it behind her again, she’s in half a mind to double lock it, as if that will help keep her dirty secret from escaping.
Van walks through to the couch, but she doesn’t stop looking at Jackie with an exasperated face.
“Seriously, what’s up?”
“Just… sit down.” She gestures to their couch, and Van obliges.
“Okay. I’m sitting. Now please tell me what’s wrong.”
Jackie sighs and sits down as well. She reaches over for one of their throw cushions, bringing it close to her chest and fiddling with a little bit of thread that’s becoming unstitched from the end.
“It’s… Shauna. Fuck, no. No, it’s not.” Jackie winces, shaking her head. Blaming Shauna really doesn’t help her case when the evidence is already stacked against her. “It’s me. I’m the problem.”
“What, did you guys get into a fight?”
“No. It’s…” And then she eyes Van tentatively. “You know the Lottie situation?”
Almost all the concern seems to evaporate right out of Van then. Jackie almost wants to say she looks a little impatient, but Van manages to keep a lid on it, to her credit.
“How could I not?"
“Yeah, well… I always wondered why I never liked them together. And I could never come up with a good reason, other than this gut feeling I had that they weren’t good for each other. Like, for some reason, I just hated it, you know? No matter how much I tried to accept it, it just… never sat right with me, I guess.”
“Uh huh.”
“At first I thought it was because Lottie was taking Shauna away from me. And I think that’s still part of the reason, maybe? Because I do still hate that she’s stolen so many of my nights with Shauna, but… but anyway, that’s not the point. Last night me and Shauna were talking, and she told me that her and Lottie aren’t together, and they’ll probably never get together, and I was just… so happy!”
“Right.” Van just looks increasingly confused the more Jackie speaks. “So why am I here?”
“Why was I happy, Van?!” Jackie bursts out now, her voice breaking and her eyes glassing up. “She just told me this girl she’s seeing isn’t a romantic interest for her and I’m not, like, the slightest little bit bummed on her behalf?”
“Jackie–”
“No, I’m really, really happy about it! And that’s wrong! I’m happy that my girl best friend isn’t dating another girl, and, fuck Van, I think I might be…” Jackie lowers her voice, like she’s about to say a dirty word. “ Homophobic. ”
All Van can do is blink at her, it seems. Absolutely speechless. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jackie instantly decides this was a really bad idea. Calling up her lesbian best friend and confessing to her that she’s a homophobe? What the hell was she thinking?! What’s Van thinking? Oh no, Van’s going to hate her. And then she’s going to tell Tai, and then Tai’s going to tell Shauna, and that’s going to break Shauna’s heart. Shauna will never look at her the same way again. Shauna will never feel safe around her again. Shauna will hate her.
She’s going to lose Shauna, and she can’t think of anything worse than a life without Shauna in it.
“Van, please.” Jackie is begging now. She’s tempted to get on her knees. “I don’t want to be homophobic, I swear. You have to help me…”
“Jackie,” Van finally speaks.
Jackie sniffles, scared of what she’s going to say next, because whatever it is is going to seal her fate for the rest of her life. But she takes a deep breath, staring at Van anyway, eyes wide as she tries to read her best friend’s expression, but coming back empty.
Come on, Van. Please don’t give up on me…
But when Van finally does speak, the words that come out of her mouth are the last thing Jackie expects.
“Have you ever thought that maybe you’re in love with Shauna?”
Oh.