The Invitation

by Winmance

Summary:

Damen is getting married.
The invitation is here, in front of him, lying on the hard and cold kitchen’s counter.
Five months. It’s been five months since their breakup and yet, Damen is already getting married. He has moved on, so easily, as if Laurent had been nothing but a fling. Maybe he was, after all. Four years of so-called love and Damen didn’t even cry when Laurent broke up with him.

Notes:

A huge (HUGE) thank you to Ghermez who beta-ed this fic!! ILY

Enjoy!!

(Warnings in the notes at the end!)

Chapter 1

Damen is getting married. 

The invitation is here, in front of him, lying on the hard and cold kitchen’s counter. On the first page, where the names of the couple are, Damen has put a post-it, his elegant writing having formed the words for Laurent to read. 

I would like for you to come. 

Love, 

Damen. 

Laurent doesn’t remove the post-it. Under it is the name of the person Damen is marrying. He doesn’t want to know who it is. Does he know them? Have they met before? Are they OK with Damen inviting his ex of four years to their wedding? 

The invitation is pretty. It’s a mixture of gold and a light shade of beige, the text heartwarming and intimate. 

Two souls, one love, and a lifetime of adventure ahead…

With hearts full of joy, we invite you to share in the celebration of our love as we say "I do."

Join us on Wednesday, March 18th, at The Starling Venue, where we will be expecting you for two days of celebration, under the guidance of the stars. 

We will be uniting our families and our stories during an intimate ceremony. 

We hope we can count on you. 

With love,
The Future Mr. & Mrs Akielos

Laurent’s heart is in his stomach now and any moment from now, he will start throwing up. It’s unfair. Of course, Damen has moved on. Why wouldn’t he? Laurent doesn’t have any right to be angry. It’s him who broke up with him, not the other way around. 

“I’m so hungry!” Nicaise complains when he enters the kitchen. He stops when he sees Laurent holding himself still. “What’s happening?” 

“Nothing,” Laurent says. He takes the invitation and throws it in the bin. “Let’s make you breakfast.” 

 

----

 

“I would kill for a cheeseburger,” Ancel complains next to him. 

His legs are on his desk, his hands on his round belly and his laptop is shut down. Laurent hasn’t seen him work all day, but it’s nothing new and he has gotten used to it. It’s one of the privileges of being the boss’ mate, Laurent presumes. It’s gotten even worse now that Ancel is expecting. 

Berenger simply refuses for his mate to do as much as lift a finger, claiming that it could tire him up too much. Ancel isn’t one to refuse being treated like jewelry and he uses every occasion to get more of his husband’s attention and devotion. For example, by saying out loud that he wants a cheeseburger. Even though it’s four in the afternoon, Laurent is almost certain that Berenger will stop whatever he is doing and order it for him. 

“Do you want one, too?” Ancel asks him. 

One would think that Ancel’s extravagant personality would crash hard against Laurent’s composed nature, but it’s far from the truth. In fact, Ancel is the closest thing to a friend that Laurent has in his life. They even went out for drinks, something Laurent never allows himself to do. He hates drinking alcohol and he hates being away from Nicaise, especially at night, but Damen had offered to babysit him that day and it had been nice to be a normal human being for a while. Ancel doesn’t know a single thing about his past and his ability to wrap the whole conversation around himself has allowed Laurent to do nothing but listen. It will be years before he can even imagine going out like that again. 

“No, thank you.” 

“Are you ok, pretty boy? You seem.. off.” 

“No, I’m good.”

Laurent is usually pretty good at keeping his emotions under control. He knows how to play pretend and how to hide his feelings - or he used to, at least, before Damen. 

The beginning of their relationship had been a hot mess. Damen had just broken up with Jokaste and had a hard time trusting, while Laurent had never dated anyone and was refusing to open up. They fell in love, hard, but communicating was equally hard, especially with Damen always away for work and Laurent having to take care of Nicaise, but they worked it out, eventually. Kind of. 

For four years, Laurent had been so caught in this little happy world he had created that he hadn’t even noticed it starting to crumble until it was too late. 

Five months. It’s been five months since their breakup and yet, Damen is already getting married. He has moved on, so easily, as if Laurent had been nothing but a fling. Maybe he was, after all. Four years of so-called love and Damen didn’t even cry when Laurent broke up with him. He didn’t try to stop him or to get a reason. Laurent’s sick mind had hoped for a big, dramatic breakup, where Damen would have run after him and Laurent would have opened his arms for him, because he didn’t want this either. He never did in the first place. 

But Damen didn’t run after him. He didn’t ask Laurent to explain himself. And Laurent had thought, rightfully, that it was just the confirmation that Damen didn’t really love him but suddenly, he realizes that it’s not it. Not really. 

The notion hits him like a train at full speed, entering his heart and exiting through his stomach, leaving behind a deep, black hole. 

Damen cheated on him. 

This is why he wasn’t sad about Laurent leaving. This is why he never made plans for  the long run with him. Because Damen’s heart never belonged to him in the first place. 

“Are you going to throw up again?” Ancel asks, half annoyed, half worried, even though it’s been a few weeks since the last time Laurent had thrown up. 

“No. I’m just tired. I’m gonna go.”

“Text me when you’re home,” Ancel says. 

Laurent doesn’t answer, too caught up in his mind, and walks straight to his car. 

Damen cheated. 

Why is he surprised? It’s not like the thought never crossed his mind before. Damen is an actor and spends his days with beautiful women and men, who are waiting for him to allow them into his bed. How many times has Laurent been through Damen’s following on Instagram, trying to see if there was someone new, someone he didn’t mention before? But Damen had reassured him every time, telling him over and over that there was no one but Laurent for him. That Laurent was the only person he needed in his life. And Laurent had believed him, because somehow, Damen had been able to turn down the voice in his head. He couldn’t hear his Uncle’s voice anymore when they were together. For the first time in years, it was all quiet. 

Uncle had told him that he wasn’t made to be loved and Damen had made him believe otherwise. 

How stupid of Laurent to believe him. 

“Nicaise, I’m home!” he yells. 

“Don’t need to scream like that, I’m not deaf.”

Laurent takes his shoes off and when he turns around, he finds Nicaise on the couch, the invitation for Damen’s wedding in his hands. 

“Where did you find that?”

“In the trash.” 

“Nicaise, we talked about you doing that…” 

It’s not the first time Nicaise has been digging into the trash, and it probably won’t be the last. He does the same thing with Laurent’s closet once in a while, taking everything out of it before putting the clothes back in. His therapist says it’s normal for him to do so. Nicaise hadn’t been nursed by his parents when he was a kid, and his childhood has been nothing but traumatic. The psy explained to Laurent that Nicaise sees him as  his mom, and because of that, Nicaise has this deep need of knowing everything that is going on with him, whether  Laurent consents or not. 

It doesn’t help that this is the second time he finds something aggravating while digging around. “Are you going?” 

Laurent lets himself fall down on the couch next to him. He’s so exhausted. It feels like his body has been run through a train. He wishes he could lay down in Damen’s arms right now. They would put a movie in the background while Damen runs his fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp as he goes. Nicaise would be making comments all through the movie, as he always does, but it wouldn’t matter because Laurent’s eyes would already be closed, safe and happy in his boyfriend's arms. 

“No.” 

“Why?”

“Take a guess.” 

Nicaise sighs and pushes the invitation away. Laurent makes a mental note to burn it once Nicaise has gone to sleep. 

“How was school?” 

“Good. I’ve gotten an A in history.” 

“You’re so smart,” Laurent says. Nicaise rolls his eyes but his cheeks are slightly pink. 

“It wasn’t hard.” 

“Still. If you keep it up, you will have no trouble getting into a good university.” 

Nicaise is seventeenth. In a few months, he’s supposed to choose the university where he will be spending the next few years of his life, and although he’d been excited for it for as long as Laurent can remember, it doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Now, the only mention of it is enough to send him into a deadly quietness that often lasts for hours. Laurent still hasn’t been able to understand why. 

“Is it a girl?” Laurent asks after a while. 

“What?”

“Is - Damen, is he marrying a girl or a boy?”

Nicaise is silent for a long moment, so long that Laurent thinks he’s not going to answer. Good. He doesn’t need to know. In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t. If he does, then he will start imagining them together, and he can’t allow himself to do that. He can’t fall into such embarrassing behavior. 

“You didn’t read the invitation?”

“Only bits of it.” 

Nicaise nods. There's silence again. Laurent thinks of the empty fridge that is waiting for them in the kitchen, and regrets turning down Ancel’s invitation from earlier. Maybe they could order something in. He needs to be more careful with money, he knows that, but he’s too exhausted to cook tonight and one pizza isn’t going to send them into bankruptcy. 

“It’s a girl,” Nicaise says. 

Of fucking course. 

“Omega?” 

“Yes.” 

They will mate, then. Once it is done, their union will last forever. 

Laurent had offered his neck to Damen, once. It was after a remarkable love making session, one so intense that Laurent had trouble seeing straight afterwhile, and the offer had come out, so naturally that it had taken them both by surprise. They had never discussed it before. Damen turned the offer down, and they never talked about it again after. 

“That’s great,” Laurent says. “Does it say when they got together?” 

“No.” 

“And how did he propose? I bet he went down on both knees to do it. He has such bad balance, there’s no way he only stayed on one knee.” 

“But he never proposed to you,” Nicaise says. “So you don’t know.”

The words cut through him, as if a hundredth of knives had been thrown his way. He wants to ground Nicaise for saying it out loud, but what would be the point? He is right. Damen never proposed to him. It was never the right time. Never the right place. And Laurent never cared about marriage anyway, how could a piece of paper say anything about the love they had for each other?

But Damen had been engaged to Jokaste. 

And now Damen is getting married. 

Laurent still doesn’t care about marriage, but he had hoped Damen and him would get married. It’s nothing but a piece of paper, but it would have had their name on it. He would have changed his last name without any hesitation - would have been relieved by it, even. He would have settled for a simple dinner or a big party, he would have worn blue because it’s Damen’s favorite color. He would have let his hair grow a bit, knowing how much Damen loved it. He would have done anything and everything Damen would have asked him to do. 

But Damen didn’t ask. 

Laurent simply wasn’t enough. 

“Maybe she’s pregnant.”

“Shut up.”

Like everything that leaves Nicaise’s mouth, his words hold a part of truth. Maybe the girl really is pregnant, and Damen is marrying her out of obligation. That’s the kind of man Damen is. He’s a good man, the kind who holds doors open even if the person is feets away from it, who helps old people cross the street. The kind who would marry someone because she’s pregnant with his kid, even if he doesn’t want to. 

It’s a big assumption, though. Maybe Damen does want this. Maybe that woman truly is the love of his life and that pregnancy is a blessing. Maybe Damen loves her, in a way he was never able to love Laurent. 

“He’s gonna see, if you go,” Nicaise says. “You’re going to be like, super big by the time of the wedding.” 

Laurent looks down at his round belly, where the fœtus is growing, taking more and more space everyday. It still doesn’t feel real. If that woman’s pregnancy is a blessing, Laurent’s is a curse, an unholy and unwanted creation that cost him one of the only two people he loves. 

Damen would have probably married him, if he knew. He probably would still do, if his fiancée isn’t really pregnant, and that’s why Laurent didn’t tell him. He loves Damen too much to force him to stay by his side. 

The breakup was Laurent’s last present to Damen. He broke up with him before even making a decision regarding the pregnancy. It didn’t feel right to stay with Damen without telling him that he had an abortion, but it also didn’t feel right to tell him. Damen would have been sad. He had always wanted kids. Not with Laurent, though. When he talked about it, he would always stay vague, never mentioning him directly. It was always When I have kids and never when we have kids. Yet Damen had asked Nicaise if he would have been happy to have siblings. Nicaise hadn’t answered and the question had never been asked again. 

“Order yourself something to eat,” Laurent says while getting up. He winces from how much his lower back is killing him. “I’m going to sleep.” 

He doesn’t wait for Nicaise’s answer and goes straight to his bedroom. 

Once, not so long ago, it was Damen’s bedroom, too. He slept on the left side of the bed, Laurent on the right. For weeks, Laurent had refused to sleep on Damen’s side or to change the sheets, refusing to lose Damen’s scent. At night, he could still pretend that Damen was in the house, as if he had just gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and was coming back soon. Except Damen isn’t coming back and now, he lays down next to his fiancée, and the side next to Laurent is cold and lifeless. It doesn’t smell like Damen anymore. Slowly, every little thing that was left from him is disappearing, and Laurent feels a pain in his chest when he realizes it. 

 

— 

 

“I kind of want to give birth while swimming with dolphins,” Ancel says. 

“That’s weird.” 

“No, it’s not! It’s, like, magical or something. It’s important to have a birth plan. What is yours?” 

Ancel’s and Laurent’s pregnancies are as opposite as they can be. Ancel  is further along than Laurent, but only by two weeks and yet, he is already showing, his belly so round that it looks like it’s about to explode, while Laurent’s is only visible if he wears tight clothes, which he has stopped doing in order to hide it. Ancel has all different sorts of cravings, while Laurent often forgets to eat. Ancel’s mate has double his love and attention for him while Laurent - well, Laurent doesn’t have a mate to begin with. 

Unmated omegas are not as uncommon as before, but single pregnant omegas are another story. Laurent had known from a very young age that he would never find a mate. It seemed stupid to even think that someone could love him passionately enough to want to spend the rest of his life linked to him. He had hoped for a while with Damen, but he was proven right when after four years, Damen still refused to concretize their relationship. 

The idea that he may have a child, outside or not of marriage, had never even crossed his mind before he met Damen. Then it was an afterthought, here and here, a secret dream that would sometimes make its way into his mind.

The second he found out he was pregnant, he booked an appointment to get an abortion on the next Monday. He canceled it ten minutes before, when he was already in the parking lot, his eyes filling with tears and his mouth still tasting like vomit. On Tuesday, Nicaise found the pregnancy test in the trash. On Friday, Laurent was breaking up with Damen. 

“Having the baby. Not dying. Going home,” Laurent explains to Ancel. 

“Hm. OK. That’s… OK. Who’s going with you?” 

The number of people who are aware that Laurent is pregnant is fairly limited: Ancel, Nicaise, and his doctor. He suspects Berenger knows, too, if the way he’s been treating Laurent lately is any indication. His belly is still small enough that no one else has noticed it. It won’t stay that way for long and Laurent dreads the moment it will happen. 

It’s not even the fact that he will be a single, unmated parent that is bothering him, but the fact that everyone will see just how dirty he really is. If he’s pregnant, then it means that he allowed a man to fuck him and to come inside of him. It’s nothing. It’s everything. He feels like he has a label stuck to his face that reads “WHORE”. It’s stupid. He doesn’t feel like that about Ancel. Why would people think this way about him? 

“No one.”

“Not even Nicaise?” Ancel asks.

Laurent tries to picture Nicaise with him in the delivery room. He shakes his head hard. 

“No.”

The thought of giving birth alone is not ideal, but it’s hardly the toughest thing Laurent has done. The pain, he doesn’t fear, for both his body and mind have gone through much worse in the past. Uncle had him in his bed for years, after all. How worse can childbirth be? 

Ancel looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t, and he is quiet for the rest of the day. Laurent hasn’t told him yet about Damen getting married, even though he wants to, because telling Ancel about it would mean admitting that he still cares about Damen. He’s also afraid of any reaction Ancel may have. He is, in his own way, overprotective, especially now that he is pregnant. 

Laurent remembers reading about a tribe of omegas who all lived together, raising their babies as a family and only bothering with alpha or beta during their heat. He wouldn’t have done well in that tribute. He has always been told that he was the worst kind of omega that existed, and Ancel is his only omega friend. Well. His only friend, for that matter. 

It says a lot about Laurent, how little friends he has. He’s not able to form friendships. He’s not able to find an alpha who wants to marry him. He spent four years with Damen and during those four years, he forgot what loneliness was and what being alone implied. But soon, he will have to take care of this baby, which he didn’t even want in the first place. He should have gone through with the abortion. Even back then, he’d known he was going to regret it, but he couldn’t get inside the building. 

It wouldn’t have been his first abortion and the memories of the previous ones are still haunting him. 

How selfish of him to force life on an innocent baby. Uncle was right. He’s nothing but an evil creature. 

“Laurent?” 

It’s Ancel calling his name and when Laurent looks up, he can see how worried he looks. He must have zoned out for a second or two. 

“Yes?”

“Honey, if you need help, you can ask me. You know that, right? Berenger will be OK if you want to take a few days off or something.” 

“No. I’m good. I was just… thinking.” 

“Why don’t you and Nicaise have dinner with us later this week? Berenger will cook us his famous lasagna. It’s the reason I’m pregnant!” 

Laurent wishes he could laugh, but his mind is too blurry for him to do anything more than a smile. Ancel has an alpha who loves him and takes care of him, who cooks him food and isn’t afraid of being seen in public with him. 

Laurent’s bed is cold and his belly is empty, if not for the creature growing inside it. 

It is Laurent who broke up with Damen. 

But it is Damen who’d looked relieved. 

“I’ll ask Nicaise about it.” 

 

--------

 

Laurent didn’t burn the invitation like he said he would. Instead, he puts it in the kitchen drawer, under the kitchen utensils, promising himself he wouldn’t look at it, and so far, he hasn’t. 

The need to know is killing him. 

He wants to know who Damen is marrying. Who is that mysterious girl who took his heart away in only a matter of weeks. He wants to know if he has seen her before, if it’s someone Damen has been seeing for years or someone he has met while filming his last movie. 

Laurent hasn’t looked at the name on the invitation, but he has searched on every social media, in every last appearance of Damen, but there’s nothing, not a trace of that mysterious girl. Damen isn’t the kind to talk about his private life to the press - Laurent knows that best - and so, he knows that by the time the world finds out about Damen’s wedding, his fiancée may have popped out four kids already. 

But Laurent can’t wait. He needs to know. It’s eating him alive not to, and so he does the only logical thing he can think of and drives to Damen’s place. 

It’s not the first time he will see Damen since their breakup. They even went together to Nicaise’s teachers conference, although Nicaise may have lied to get them both there by claiming that the other wasn’t coming. It was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved, but they’d done it for Nicaise, and he had been happy, which is the only thing Laurent cares about. 

They also saw each other to get their mutual belongings back, and this is the excuse Laurent is going with today, although he doesn’t contact Damen before coming. He’s using his best excuse, which is Nicaise, and he suddenly wonders what Damen’s new wife will think of this relationship Damen has with Nicaise. Does she know Damen is still paying for Nicaise’s school? That they text from time to time, although Nicaise claims that it’s not the case? Does she know that there have been a few instances, where Damen referred to Nicaise as his son and where Nicaise called Damen Dad ? 

Another thought enters his mind: will Damen stop this all, once he’s married? 

He gets out of the car and walks to the door before he can convince himself not to. He hears footsteps and he prays that on the other side of the door, he will be face to face with the woman who’s replaced him. The woman who’s good enough for Damen to marry after only a few months, when he waited four years for a proposal that never came. 

It’s Damen who opens the door and Laurent feels his heart drop in his stomach the moment his eyes land on him. He’s as beautiful as the last time he saw him. Laurent is too aware of how he looks, with his oversized hoodie, which hides his pregnant belly, his dark circle under his eyes, and the unhealthy color of his skin. He should have made an effort, shown Damen what he is missing but really - what is he missing? Laurent used to be pretty, when he was fifteen and all the men would look his way. He used to be good looking at twenty when Damen and him met for the first time. But now he’s twenty-five and while that’s  not old, far from that, but life hasn’t been good to him and he knows that it shows. Men don’t look his way anymore. He’s an aging omega and with each passing day, he becomes less and less attractive. 

Damen’s eyes used to sparkle when they landed on him, a hungry look emerging through them. Now, there’s something in them still, but Laurent isn’t quite what it is. Disgust? Hate? Or worse: indifference?

“Hi,” Damen says. “What are you doing here?” 

He doesn’t look particularly happy to see Laurent, but not particularly angry either. Laurent wishes he was. He wishes Damen would cry from happiness from seeing him, or punch him in the face for even coming here. The pain - the physical pain - has been a growing need since the moment they broke up, when Damen did nothing but stand there, mute and motionless while Laurent had felt his heart break into a million pieces. He had hoped that Damen would have begged him to stay with him. He didn’t. 

“Nicaise says he forgot a sweatshirt here,” Laurent says. “His favorite, with the smoking dog on it.” 

“I haven’t seen it. Is he sure?”

“He told me he was.” 

Damen sighs, clearly bothered by the situation, and Laurent pretends not to care. It’s not the first time his presence is a bother. He can’t even count the number of times he entered a room, only for all the people in it to look incredibly annoyed. Damen’s best friend, Nikandros, was never able to even pretend to like him. His own parents weren’t an exception, always telling him to go to his room because the sight of him alone was enough to exhaust them. Men were happy to see him, as long as he kept quiet, a quality Laurent was never able to develop.

There are only a few people who enjoyed Laurent’s presence over the years: Auguste, Uncle, Nicaise, and Damen. Of the four, only Nicaise is left. Laurent knows it’s a matter of time before Nicaise moves on, too. 

“There were no paparazzis, right?” Damen asks as he closes the door. 

“No. I parked a few blocks away.”

“Cool. Alright, let me look for that sweatshirt.” 

It was rare for him to go to Damen’s apartment back when they were together. 

Damen didn’t want anyone to know about them. He never specifically said why, although the range of possible reasons is easy to guess: Damen came out at the beginning of his career, but never dated a man in public. Laurent is an unmated omega who already has a child, a teenager who gets in trouble every morning or so. Laurent is a nobody who used to work as a waiter in a restaurant, but if people were to dig into his past, they would quickly find out about his uncle and what he did to him. Laurent can barely imagine the shame it would bring into Damen. Laurent can think of a thousand more reasons why Damen could be ashamed of him: he’s not pretty enough anymore, he’s not enough of an omega, not enough of anything, really, and Laurent has spent many nights lying awake while thinking about it. It doesn’t matter now. There’s no more relationship to keep hidden. 

“He didn’t tell you where he left it by any chance?” Damen asks from another room. 

“No.”

Damen was living with Nicaise and him, but he refused to sell his apartment. He kept it, even though Laurent kept telling him that it was stupid to do so. It was the cause behind their many fights, one Damen always pretended to not understand. For Laurent, keeping that place meant that Damen didn’t trust him. Didn’t trust them . If he kept it, it meant that he needed a place to escape. If he kept it, it meant that he knew, deep down, that Laurent and him weren’t going to last. 

Once, Damen admitted it. They had been arguing for hours over something stupid and suddenly, Laurent had brought the apartment up. It was keeping him up at night, that damn place. Why couldn’t Damen just get rid of it? He was living with them, full time. If it was privacy he needed, they could move to a bigger place, one where he could have a single room if that was all it took. 

But they couldn’t really do that, because to get a bigger place, they would have needed to buy it together. Never would have Laurent agreed to living in a place that didn’t belong to him, out of where he could be thrown out at any point. And never would Damen have agreed to buy something with him. 

It was during that particular disagreement that Damen finally spat out the dreadful truth: the apartment, Damen had explained, was backup planl in case “ something happened” . He never voiced out what that something was, but Laurent knew too well: the apartment was there in case they broke up. Which they did, so technically, Damen was right. 

While Damen continues to search for Nicaise’s sweatshirt, Laurent takes a look around, wandering into the apartment like he had done many times. 

He stops in front of one of the living room walls, the one where the TV is hanging, in front of the couch. There was a picture of the three of them here. They’d taken it when they went to the beach, on a private island away from everything and everyone. For once they were not afraid of paparazzi or fans recognizing Damen. For once, Damen was holding his hand in the street.

The picture is gone now, replaced by an empty hole where, soon, Laurent imagines, will be a picture of Damen’s wedding. 

“I can’t find it, sorry,” Damen says once he’s back in the room. “Maybe he put it under his bed or something? You know how he is with his stuff.”

He knows, and Damen knows too because he lived with them. He did Nicaise’s laundry, helped him do his homework, and gave him the talk, although Nicaise didn’t need it. He helped Laurent clean Nicaise’s mess after he wet his bed, the trauma from his childhood coming back during his dreams. He held Nicaise in his arms and cooked his favorite meal for his birthday. When Nicaise presented as an omega, Damen stayed in the room with him, calming him down and promising to never let any alpha get close to him without his consent. 

It makes Laurent’s blood boil. He shouldn’t have dated Damen in the first place. Now he’s gone because of Laurent, and Nicaise has to go through another loss, another disappointment. Worse even, he’s at risk, everyday, because now they’re two omega, including a pregnant one, and if something were to happen, there’s nothing Laurent can do to protect Nicaise. 

Maybe he should offer custody to Damen. He doubts his new fiancée will like it, but Damen always had a sweet spot for Nicaise. He would say yes. He’s sure he would. 

“Can I have it?” Laurent says, while looking at the wall.

“Have what?” 

“The picture that was on the wall. Can I have it? For Nicaise,” he quickly adds. 

“I, uh… I threw it away. Sorry.” 

Of course he did. Why would he keep it? They’re nothing to him now, he may as well pretend it never happened in the first place.

Laurent wishes he could do that, but he can feel the baby kicking in his belly and he has to restrain himself from caressing his bump. Somehow, the baby suddenly brings a sense of comfort to him: Damen may have erased all memories of him, but the baby is here, proving that it did happen. That they did love each other, even if only for a while. 

It’s such a fucked up way to think that he makes himself sick. 

“Did you receive the invitation?” Damen asks after having opened the door. 

“Yes.”

“Will you come? It would mean a lot to me if you were there.”

Is this some kind of punishment? Is Damen trying to humiliate him by making him watch him get married, while Laurent is doomed to be alone for the rest of his life? 

Or maybe it’s just Damen being Damen. A good man, who’s offering him an olive branch as a sign of peace. 

“I’ll let you know. Congrats, by the way.”

Damen looks confused, probably having not expected Laurent to go as far as to congratulate him, but his confused expression is quickly replaced by a smile. 

“Thanks. Oh and next time, don’t bother stopping by. Just tell Nicaise to text me and I’ll drop whatever he forgot here.” 

Laurent’s throat tightens. 

“I will.” 

He goes back to his car feeling disappointed and somehow more heartbroken than when he arrived. 

 

----

 

A good nest for a good omega,

Make sure to have it ready before the baby is here! 

Laurent’s eyes are fixed on the poster in front of him. On it, a woman and a man, both comfortably lie in a pile of pillows and covers with a baby between them. Nests are made with the alpha’s clothes, because they need to have the alpha’s smell on them in order to calm both the omega and the baby. Beta don’t need that kind of special treatment but an omega's pregnancy is very different. 

During his last heat, Damen stayed with him from the second it began to the second it ended. He had taken care of him, had fed him and even bathed him. He had done the same for all his previous heats, too. Laurent’s heats have always been unpredictable. Years of using suppressants and years of abuse have done that to his body, but Damen had shown him how good it could feel, how deep their connection could go during it. It wasn’t even just the sex - it was the love, the devotion.

He wonders if Damen has already experienced his new girlfriend's heat. Has he compared it to Laurent's? He feels ashamed, all of the sudden. Even heats were complicated with him. He hopes Damen’s new girlfriend has it  easier than he does. 

“What if it’s dead?” Nicaise says. 

Laurent sighs. He had refused for Nicaise to come at first, but then had let himself be convinced to change his mind and now, only a few minutes away from the appointment, he regrets it deeply. 

“It’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“It’s moving.” 

“OK,” Nicaise says, sounding unconvinced. 

There are two couples in the room with them, and the sight of them only makes Laurent sick with jealousy. He wonders what they’re thinking of him, alone with not one, but two kids. It’s in moments like this one that he wishes he was selfish enough to have told Damen. Then, they would have been miserable, but at least they would have been miserable together. Why is Laurent the only one to suffer? 

Because you asked for it , a voice says in his head. He’s the only one to blame for this situation. He could have gotten an abortion. He could have begged Damen to stay. He could have done a thousand things differently but Laurent always makes bad decisions and blames the world when things go wrong. The same way he asked uncle to sleep in his bed after his parents death, and then started crying because of what Uncle was doing to him. How can he blame Uncle, when he’s the one who invited him in the first place? 

No. That’s not true. Uncle is to blame. Uncle is the bad one. Not him. Not Laurent. 

But then why does it keep happening to him? Why does he keep putting himself in bad situations, and then blaming the other? Maybe Uncle is right. He doesn’t know anymore. On some days, he knows that what Uncle did was wrong. On some other days, he can’t make his voice shut up. Since he found out about the baby, there have been more bad days than good ones. Uncle is here, constantly. 

Make a nest , the poster says, and Laurent wishes he could do it. Having Damen’s smell would calm him down. 

But Damen is gone. 

Laurent has made sure of that. 

“Can I feel it?” Nicaise asks softly. 

“Feel what?” 

“The baby.” 

Laurent doesn’t like physical touch and neither does Nicaise, but there’s always been this silent agreement that things are different when it’s them. The trust they have in each other is strong enough that they don’t feel scared or uncomfortable over it. Damen, too, had earned their trust. Not just Laurent’s, but Nicaise as well. 

The first time Damen took Nicaise in his arms, Laurent was sure Nicaise was going to bite him. Instead, Nicaise had melted into the touch. 

Carefully, Laurent places Nicaise’s hand on his belly. It’s weird to do so. They’re both holding their breath, waiting for the baby to move. 

It does. 

The kick is barely there but he knows Nicaise has felt it from the way he jumps in surprise. 

Then Nicaise moves again and Laurent thinks he’s about to take his hand away but instead, he moves closer until his head is resting against Laurent’s chest, his hand still firmly on his belly. 

And Laurent - Laurent suddenly feels like his heart is too big for his chest. He’s being consumed by love and grief, for both Damen and Nicaise. His heart and soul belong to them both. A mate and a child that aren’t his own and will never be. They deserved better than him. They deserved better than the mess he keeps on creating. Uncle had said he was a disaster ready to happen, a demon with the face of an angel. He said so in front of a jury, when he tried to convince them that Laurent had asked for it. They didn’t believe him. Laurent did. 

“Omega De Vere?” the doctor calls. 

Laurent and Nicaise get up and walk to the examination room. It’s the third time he has come here and he knows the procedure by now. 

The doctor takes his weight, asks him some questions, and then guides him to the examination table. When he lifts his shirt, Nicaise looks away. 

The gel from the ultrasound is cold when it lands on his skin but Laurent doesn’t complain. He looks at the wall in front of him. 

Breastfeeding or formula, 

Your body, your choice! 

“Here’s the baby,” the doc says while turning the screen in their direction. “And here’s the heartbeat.” 

Breastfeeding or formula? He doesn’t know. He hasn’t thought of that yet. He hasn’t thought of a lot of things yet, actually. Fuck. He should have gotten the abortion. He doesn’t even know if he wants to breastfeed or to use formula, while Ancel has a whole fucking birth plan and why is the baby’s heart so loud? He doesn’t want to hear it! Is the baby in distress? Why is it beating so strongly? They need to take it out of him. They need to save it from Laurent before his poison has made his way into his blood. 

“Laurent,” Nicaise says softly. He sounds scared. “The doc asked you a question.” 

“What?” Laurent says. He’s still not looking at the screen. 

“Do you want to know the gender?” 

Does he? 

“It would be fun,” Nicaise tries. “We could think of a name together.”

Nicaise is a kid. He should be thinking of his next party and his next exam instead of being here, making a list of baby names with a man who isn’t even his parent and who can’t even provide him with a good life. 

“OK,” Laurent agrees. He doesn’t want to know - doesn’t want to make it even more real - but Nicaise will be happy. That’s all that matters to him. 

“You’re having a boy!” 

Laurent doesn’t react. 

In his head, there’s silence. Not a sound, not a single thought. Nothing but deep, heavy silence. 

They go back to the desk. Nicaise is smiling from ears to ears. Laurent looks for the trash can and wonders if it could hold his vomit. 

“You’re underweight,” the doctor says. 

“OK.”

“Are you eating properly?”

“Yes.”

“What was your last meal?” 

Laurent tries to think of something but nothing comes up. He ate ice cream for dinner last night. He hadn’t eaten lunch either. 

“Are you having financial difficulties?”

Nicaise is in the room with them, although with how quiet he is, it’s easy to forget his presence. But Laurent knows and he refuses to put any extra stress on him. They still have money and if he needs to, he can ask for a raise. Ancel will support him and Berenger would never say no to him. 

“No.”

“Where is your alpha? Or beta, perhaps?” 

“I don’t have any of those.” 

“You’re only 25,” the doctor says with a sad smile. “Two kids and still unmated. Do you think you’re setting a good example for your kids?” 

“Fuck you!” Nicaise yells, and Laurent just has time to stop him from shoving his middle finger in the poor man’s face. 

“Nicaise, wait for me outside,” Laurent orders. Then, “Now!” 

Nicaise goes, not without another glare in the doc’s direction. It’s a wonder he came out as an omega, with how feral he is. This is Laurent’s doing, surely. Nicaise should be raised in a good household, with a good omega that would show him what it’s like to behave correctly. 

Damen had said he loved them both that way. Wild, unconventional, more alpha than omega half of the time. Damen had said that, and didn’t propose. Maybe he didn’t like it that much. 

“I want to discuss my options,” Laurent says. 

 

—- 

 

Auguste is there, sitting next to him on the bed. They’re not touching but Laurent wishes they were. If he could move a bit closer to Auguste, he would put his head on Auguste’s chest, over his beating heart. Auguste would put his hand on his belly. He would feel the baby move, just like Nicaise did earlier. 

“What’s going on in your mind?”

“Damen is getting married.” 

“And you’re not happy about it.”

“Well, he’s not getting married to me, so no.”

Auguste laughs. He’s mocking him, as if Laurent has said something funny and stupid at the same time. 

“You broke up with him. What, did you think he was going to beg you to stay? You’re not that much of a catch.”

No, he isn’t, quite the opposite. This is why Damen refused to go public with him. Four years together and they were still hiding from the rest of the world. Four years and no ring, no house, nothing. But Damen still pays for Nicaise’s school and he’s the one who convinced him to go to therapy. Damen held Laurent when he had his nightmares. He dismissed him when he apologized for not being able to suck his dick more often, and then he went down on him to show him just how little he cared about reciprocity. 

Damen didn’t love him enough to marry him, but he loved him enough to accept his trauma and his weird habits, and they weren’t perfect, far from that, but Laurent had let himself believe for a while. 

“I don’t want to keep the baby.”

“Yes, you do,” Auguste says. “You’re just scared that you’ll break him.”

“I’m alone.”

“Because of your own doing. Don’t blame people for something you did to yourself.”

How can he raise a baby, when he’s barely able to take care of him and Nicaise? 

The baby isn’t even born yet and already, Laurent has been failing him. He took the baby’s dad away from him. He forgets to eat more often than not. He didn’t want to know the gender. He doesn’t have a birth’s plan. He doesn’t - Fuck. He doesn’t want it, except he does. 

Auguste is still there, looking at him with a know-it-all smile on his face. Auguste had loved him, too. 

“I wish you were here.”

“I wish I was here too, my sun,” Auguste says. 

Except it’s not Auguste. Auguste has been gone for over ten years now. Auguste would be so disappointed if he knew. 

“Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Laurent doesn’t point out that he isn’t even there in the first place. 

Sometimes, it’s better to pretend. 

 

----

 

When Laurent wakes up, he does so with a decision. 

It doesn’t make getting out of bed easier. If he stays in it, he can pretend none of this is real. If he closes his eyes just hard enough, he can pretend that Damen is in the kitchen with Nicaise and that they will be watching Damen’s new movie later in the afternoon. If they’re lucky enough, Nicaise will leave them alone for a few hours and they could make love in their bed, with Damen slowly taking him apart and kissing his way inside of him.

The room is cold when he takes the covers off. His nipples are painful against his t-shirt but they’re too sensitive for him to even touch them. The tips of his toes are blue, on the verge of turning purple. 

He takes several big breaths before finally lifting off of the bed. He looks at his phone and his heart drops lower in his stomach. There are texts from Damen, dating from late in the night. 

Damen (2:30): I lied. 

Damen (2:30): I didn’t throw the picture away. 

Damen (2:31): I’ll send it back to your place. I’m sorry. 

Damen (2:31): For everything. 

Laurent puts the phone away. The screen lights up again. 

Damen (3:00): I miss you. 

He doesn’t answer. 

“Thought you were dead or something, it’s fucking eleven,” Nicaise complains, as if he himself haSn’t just gotten up. “There’s cereal but we’re out of milk.”

“I’m putting the baby up for adoption,” Laurent says. 

He waits for a comment, a joke, or even an insult but instead, Nicaise stays silent. Somehow, it’s even worse. 

 

—- 

 

Laurent reads Damen’s texts again. And again. And again. 

He’s at the office and he should be focusing on his work, but his head is spinning and there’s a voice in his head (Auguste’s? His own? He isn’t sure) that tells him that there may be a chance. 

Maybe he should tell Damen the whole truth. He could apologize, and Damen will accept it, and then they would live happily ever after like they were supposed to. If he explains his point of view to Damen, surely he will understand. It’s not his fault, not entirely. He did it with Damen’s best interests in mind. 

He starts to type an answer. 

“I miss you too,” he wants to say, but it doesn’t feel enough. 

“I love you,” would be more accurate.

“I’m a piece of shit, but I’m trying to be a better person and being with you is my only purpose in love,” feels selfish. 

“Tell me all the things you hate about me and I’ll change them. I’ll be a better boyfriend, a better omega. Take me back. I miss you. I love you.” 

Yes. This could do. It’s telling Damen he wants to improve himself. It’s giving Damen the opportunity to finally tell Laurent all the things he didn’t tell him before. The list of Laurent’s flaws is probably long and it will be painful to read, but he’s ready for it. He wants to make Damen happy. He wants to be happy.

He’s about to press “send” when suddenly, a new message pops up in the chat. 

Damen (4:00): Sorry for last night, I was drunk. 

Damen (4:00): I didn’t mean it. 

Damen (4:01): I’ll get in touch with Nicaise and see if he wants to come and collect some things at my place. 

Damen (4:10): I think we should go low contact, unless it’s about Nicaise. If you need to see me, text me beforehand. 

Laurent (5:30): 👍

------

 

It’s Sunday and they’re laying on the couch, Nicaise on one’s side, Laurent on the other. He can’t remember the last time he slept properly. 

His dreams are filled with horrific images.

Sometimes it’s Damen getting married. He’s happy, more than Laurent has ever seen him be. He looks in Laurent’s direction and comes to see him. Then Damen tells Laurent everything he has been dying to tell him over the years: he’s a worthless omega, good for nothing, and he shouldn’t have looked at him in the first place.

Sometimes it’s the baby crawling out of his body, blood pouring down Laurent’s tights. Sometimes the baby is dead. Sometimes it’s alive. Laurent isn’t sure which one is worse. 

“The baby is the size of an eggplant,” Nicaise says. “They say you should start feeling him move more and more.”

“Who is they ?” 

Nicaise turns his phone in Laurent’s direction. 

“The app. They also say you’re going to start feeling super horny, which is fucking disgusting.”

It has started already. He’s woken up with a hard-on every day of the week so far. He hadn’t done anything about it, just let it cool down on its own, but the itchy feeling is still there, right under his skin. 

“It can hear things so you should stop cursing.” 

“You think you’re in any position to say that?” 

Nicaise doesn’t answer - of course he doesn’t - and continues to do whatever he is doing on that phone of his. 

Laurent’s eyes feel heavy and his head hot. He’s tired. He’s so, so tired, but no matter what he does, he can’t sleep. Being with Nicaise is comforting, until he realizes that he’s the one who’s supposed to be comforting Nicaise, not the other way around. Poor Nicaise deserves better. Maybe he really should offer full custody to Damen. They always got along, the two of them, more than Laurent and Nicaise, although Nicaise has calmed down since the beginning of the pregnancy. He’s almost motherly with him now. 

Nicaise would be a better parent than Laurent to that baby.

“Do you miss him?” Nicaise asks. 

“Who?”

“Damen.”

“No.”

He feels like a part of his soul has been ripped from his body. Every day, every minute, is pure torture. 

“You don’t want to get back with him?”

“I don’t. Why?”

“Just asking. Do you want some popcorn?” 

No , he wants to say, but the doctor’s words are back in his mind. He needs to eat. Even if he’s not keeping the baby, he needs to take care of it, just for a few more months.

“Sure.” 

 

-----------

 

Laurent is lying in bed, eyes wide open. Between his legs is a feeling he has come to know too well. It tingles like a rash he needs to scratch but can’t quite reach. 

He’s never touched himself before. He still refuses to do it now, too scared of what images may come to his head. 

Before he was with Damen, he never had those urges outside of his heat. During them, he would suffer in silence, covering himself with cold water until the feeling went away.

Then came Damen, and Laurent discovered a whole new world. It was wet, messy, intense, and loving. He never thought sex could feel like that. His only experience had been Uncle but now Laurent understands that it hasn’t been sex, but violence. Abuse. Humiliation. 

It’s been six months now that Damen and him have parted ways. Six months without sex, too. 

He should try to touch himself, but he knows it’s not his own touch  he wants. His body is screaming for his alpha. His heart is screaming for his lover. 

It’s not him, he thinks. It’s the baby, it’s the hormones. It’s not him. 

Laurent (01:12): You up?

Damen (01:20): Don’t do that, Laurent. 

Laurent reads the text and blocks Damen’s number. 

He doesn’t want him anymore. Not even for sex. 

Uncle had warned him about that. Sex was the only good thing Laurent was good for and once he gave it to someone, what was the point of keeping him around? 

 

—- 

 

There are eggs on his plate, a piece of bacon, and some green beans because that’s all they had left in the cabinet. He needs to go  grocery shopping, but the thought of leaving the house is unbearable. He’s so damn tired. Ancel had told him that the first trimester was the worst, that things would get better after. Laurent is still waiting for the after to happen. 

“Has Damen invited you to see his movie?” Laurent asks Nicaise. 

It had been a tradition those four years, every time Damen starred in a new movie, they would all go together to see it. In separate cars, of course, in case anyone may have seen them together, but together nonetheless. 

Damen’s movie came out a week ago. Laurent won’t be invited this time. 

“Yeah. He said we could go this week but I didn’t answer.” 

“Why?” 

Nicaise’s eyes travel to Laurent’s belly. Right. 

“We could go together, then, so you’ll tell him what you think of it. That will please him.” 

“Why do you care?” 

“I don’t. Find us a screening, please.” 

Leaving the house to go see Damen on the big screen seems like the worst idea Laurent has ever had and yet, the omega in him is screaming for it. He will be able to sleep, surrounded by Damen’s voice, and when he will open his eyes, he will see Damen looking straight at him through the screen. 

But Nicaise makes a face and Laurent frowns, already sensing his dream slipping away from his fingers. 

“What is it?” 

“Nothing.”

“ Nicaise. ”

Nicaise sighs, as he often does, and gives his phone to Laurent. 

It’s a picture of Damen and a woman. 

They’re not holding hands, they’re not even touching, but they’re exiting a restaurant and in the four years they’ve been together, Damen had never allowed him to exit the restaurant at the same time as him. He would ask for a private room, where they could have dinner without anyone seeing them, and then he would ask Laurent to leave ten minutes after him. 

“It’s not his girlfriend,” Nicaise says. 

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. I saw her name, remember?” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I promise.”

Laurent nods. He doesn’t care. His girlfriend will be known, eventually. He needs to get used to it. 

“Do you still want to go see the movie?” Nicaise asks. 

“No. But you should go. Text Damen about it.” 

He doesn’t leave room for an answer and throws away his barely touched plate. 

 

— 

 

Nicaise was out with Damen. 

Damen was taking him to see his movie, and then to one of his private restaurants. Nicaise tried not to show his excitement but Laurent could see just how happy he was. Since their breakup, Damen and Nicaise only saw each other a handful of times. 

It brings comfort to him, knowing that Damen hasn’t given up on Nicaise just yet. 

It also brings him a great sense of jealousy. 

It’s Ancel who made his profile on the dating app. He put very little information: two pictures, none of which showing Laurent’s pregnancy, a few details like: nothing serious, omega, one-night stand , and then he played with the setting to only show people who were in the same geographic area as him for a few days. The key , Ancel said, is to look for someone who will be leaving soon . 

The guy's name is Kent. They exchanged less than ten messages, half an hour ago, and now Laurent is waiting anxiously behind the door. 

He’s never had sex with anyone other than Damen and Uncle. He doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else but Damen, but Damen is gone and although Laurent would love to go back to how things were before, he knows it’s impossible. Damen has awakened something in him that wants. 

His next heat is going to be awful, he just knows it. 

The door rings. Laurent opens it, and the guy doesn’t waste one second before taking him into his arms. He’s a beta, because the thought of having the smell of another alpha on him makes Laurent want to puke. 

“No kissing,” Laurent says. 

The guy looks disappointed but because he wants to stick his dick into Laurent as fast as possible, he doesn’t challenge him. 

Laurent’s first kiss was Damen. Laurent’s last kiss will be Damen, too, even if his death only comes in fifty years, even if they never meet again, never touch again, Damen will be the only one to have touched his lips with his. Damen will be his first love, even if by then he will have forgotten about him. 

The man starts touching him. His waist, his tights, everywhere he can get some hold of Laurent, he touches him. His lips are on Laurent’s neck. Laurent lets himself be guided to the couch, where the man pushes him down. 

“You’re so fucking hot.” 

It’s not love. It’s just sex. Sex is nothing but a physical matter. It will be quick. Ten minutes, tops. He can do it. He wants to do it. He wants to have that feeling of being taken apart, that pleasure rushing through his body until his head is dizzy and he can’t think straight. Damen made him feel like that every single time without missing. 

The first time they made love, he thought he was dying. When they came together, their bodies pressed against each other, Laurent realized that it had been quite the opposite: finally, he was alive again. 

Kent takes his shirt off then looks at Laurent for him to do the same. Right. 

“Holy shit,” the man says. “You didn’t mention you were pregnant!” 

He hopes it will be enough to send the man off but it’s quite the opposite. He takes off his pants and now his ugly, throbbing cock is in front of Laurent. When he lays down on him, Laurent blacks out. 

He can’t see anymore. He can’t feel anything. It’s like he’s dead again. It’s like being with uncle. 

“Do you think the baby will feel it?” the guy whispers in Laurent’s ear while his hand is already inside Laurent’s pants. 

This takes him out of his trance stage. 

“What?” 

“You think it will feel my dick as I fuck you?”  

The words take some time to travel to Laurent’s mind but then they finally register, and the yell that leaves his body is so intense and raw that the guy doesn’t even understand what is happening. 

“The fuck?!”

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out. Get out. Get the fuck out!”

He pushes the man off and takes his clothes from the floor. The man follows him, screaming things at Laurent but Laurent doesn’t even listen to him. He needs him gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. He fucking needs him gone! 

“You fucking psychopath! No wonder your alpha left you! You are weirdo, a fucking -” 

Laurent has closed the door, leaving the man naked on his doorstep. He locks the door and runs to the bathroom. 

The water is cold when it hits his body, and Laurent starts scrubbing every millimeter of his body, applying more pressure where the man touched him. 

When Damen had touched him, his skin felt hot and pulsing, his body asking for more. 

When the man touched him - 

Laurent doesn’t want to think about it anymore. It’s done. The man is gone and nothing happened. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 

When he exits the shower, his skin is bloody and red. He leaves blood on the towel he uses. There’s no trace of the man on him anymore. 

Laurent (22:30): if Damen is OK with it, you should stay at his place tonight. 

Nicaise (22:35): Why? 

Laurent (22:35): just thought it would be nice. 

He turns off his phone and puts himself under the covers, fully emerging himself in them, like a baby waiting to be born. 

Once he’s in his bed, he starts crying. It’s ugly and messy, and he doesn’t even know why he’s crying. Is it Damen? Is it the fact that he won’t have sex ever again? Is it what the man said? He doesn’t fucking know. 

Before Damen, Laurent was in charge of every aspect of his life. He had a routine, a way of making and doing things that was working just fine. He feels like a whole new person now, a person he doesn’t recognize and doesn’t love. 

He hears the door opening and for a second, he thinks the guy has found a way to come back in. Until he hears footsteps he knows all too well, and a figure appears in his bedroom. 

“Nicaise,” he says while cleaning the tears away from his face. “Shit. Why are you here?” 

“I didn’t want to be at Damen’s place. Can I sleep in your bed?” 

Laurent nods, not trusting his voice to answer. Nicaise hops into the bed and doesn’t hesitate before hugging Laurent from behind. His hand is resting on his belly and Laurent can’t help but let the tears run down on his face. 

“I miss Damen,” he says. “I fucking miss him so much it hurts.” 

“I’m sorry,” Nicaise says, even though it’s not his fault. 

“Me too.” 

 

—- 

 

Laurent finally gets enough energy to go do the groceries. They’re on a budget, but he does well with it nonetheless: fresh fruit and vegetables, meat, milk and even a pizza for Nicaise, a surprise for all his help lately. 

This morning, before going out, he used the scale in his bathroom. It was covered in dust, because Laurent has never really cared about his weight, but he still has it for the same reason. He had been judged underweight before, and so he knows how to get the weight back on, but he’s never been pregnant and that adds a whole new challenge to it. 

He has lost weight since his last doctor’s appointment. Nothing dramatic, but nothing that should be happening either. 

“So stereotypical,” Nicaise says when he sees Laurent cutting himself some fresh strawberries. 

“Do you want some? I’ve bought whipped cream as well.”

Nicaise nods and Laurent continues to prepare their snack. Strawberries are good, whipped cream not but it’s sugar and calories, everything he needs at the moment. 

The bowls ready, he gives one to Nicaise, the other he keeps for himself. Nicaise takes the chantilly and adds more of it in both their bowls. Laurent doesn’t say anything. 

“So,” Nicaise says. “I found a job. I need your permission because I’m a minor.”

Laurent keeps a neutral face, or tries to at least, but millions of questions are already rushing through his head. Why is Nicaise getting a job? Is it to get his own place? Does he need more money? Is he worried? Is he into drugs? Shit. That’s the last thing he needs. They will take both Nicaise and the baby away if that’s the case.

Why does he care about that? They can take the baby. He doesn’t even want it. 

“Why?” he finally asks. 

“Because it's the law?”

“No, why did you find a job?”

“It’s part-time but they say that once I’m done with high school, I can get a full time position. It doesn’t pay well, but it will be enough.”

“Enough for what?”

“For us, dickhead. That’s why you’re giving the baby away, no? Because of the money.”

Laurent rubs his temple. It’s impossible to explain things to Nicaise when he himself doesn’t know the reasons. 

“I can’t keep it.”

“Why?”

“It deserves better.”

“How do you know he will be in a better home than here?”

“It will have parents who want it. A loving family that will be able to give it all the love it deserves.”

Nicaise gets up and hits the table with his fist. His face is all red, his pretty eyes ready to pop. 

“Stop saying it! It’s a he. He’s a human fucking being!”

“Nicaise,” Laurent says, his throat tight. “Calm down.” 

“What if he gets raped?”

“What the fuck are you on, Nicaise?”

“What if you give him up for adoption, and he falls into a family of fucking pedos and they rape him all the way through his childhood. Have you thought of that?” 

No, he didn’t, because he’s refused to imagine this baby out of his body yet. It’s easier to just think of it as something and not someone . 

“It won’t happen. We will be choosing the family.”

“Yeah, because no adopted child ever got raped.”

Nicaise had been given up for adoption. 

Laurent’s uncle adopted him. 

“I can’t keep it, Nicaise.”

“ Why ? He can use my room, I don’t care. I won’t go to college. I’ll stay with you.”

“No, that’s not happening.”

“Then you should have had a fucking abortion, you coward! Why keep him if you didn’t want him in the first place?”

Because Laurent already had abortions before and the souvenirs are still too painful, too raw.

Because the baby, no matter how unwanted it is, was made with nothing but love.

Because it’s the only part of Damen he has left. 

“I don’t know if I will love it,” Laurent confesses. 

“But you love me,” Nicaise says. And then, barely higher than a whisper, “You do, right? 

“Yes. Of course, I do.”

“Then you’ll love him too, and I’ll love him, too. And maybe… Maybe Damen will, if you tell him.”

“I’m not telling Damen.”

“OK,” Nicaise says. He looks like he’s standing in front of a lion, ready to jump on him. “Then it will be the two of us. It’s fine. We can do it just fine.”

It’s a lie, but a sweet one, and Laurent can’t help but believe it. 

 

—- 

 

“Actor Damen is ready to talk to us about his future projects: from his next movie to his love life, get ready to hear it all!” 

Laurent’s head is under the cover, making it impossible for any light from outside to come his way. It’s 4 am and he still can’t sleep. He wishes to blame it on the babe, but it’s all his own doing. 

He’s been thinking about Damen again but then, when has he not? Damen’s child is growing in his body, it’s only natural for him to think about him. Omegas are supposed to be close to their Alphas during pregnancies. If Laurent was having a child with a beta, this would have made things much easier, but because Damen is an alpha, it is a need rather than just a desire. 

He needs Damen with him. He needs to have Damen hold him and tell him that he loves him. He needs to feel protected and cared for, the way Ancel is feeling. 

Because he can’t do that, Laurent tries to find an alternative and this is one of them: lying under the cover, his phone clutched between his hands, watching the latest interview Damen did. 

He’s as beautiful as Laurent remembers. More so even. He looks like a God. How did Laurent even think he had a chance? Men like Damen don’t go for fucked up people like him. Not in the long run. Damen needs a good person, someone holy and pure just like him. 

“Damen, tell us more about your movie.” 

“The movie is about this superhero who…”

Laurent doesn’t listen to what Damen is saying because it doesn’t really matter. He couldn’t care less about the movie, as all that matters is that Damen is in it. 

“This is your dad’s voice,” Laurent whispers to his belly. The baby is quiet inside of him, offering him a bit of rest after having been so active all day long. 

“Now, please tell us what the world wants to know: are you single?” 

Damen fake-laughs, while Laurent holds his breath.

“My heart is already taken, I’m afraid.”

It’s the confirmation Laurent didn’t want to hear. He keeps holding his breath as the interviewer continues to ask question after question, but Damen refuses to answer in more detail. It brings some sort of joy to Laurent; one year into their relationship, Damen had started hinting that he was with someone, the exact same way he is doing now. It’s a satisfaction to know that Damen’s girlfriend doesn’t get a special treatment on that part.

“But she’s marrying him,” Auguste says in his head.

“Fuck you.”

“Any kids planned? I heard your brother has a baby who’s almost four already!”

“Uh… Next question?” 

The interviewer laughs and claps her hands, as if Damen has said anything relevant. He didn’t. He could tell her no, he doesn’t want any children, or that his girlfriend is pregnant, or he could be talking about Nicaise, for his answer has been nothing but vague and somehow, it’s enough to satisfy her. 

“How could I not love you?” Laurent whispers again, as if afraid someone will hear him. “You’re his kid. Of course, I’ll love you.” 

He falls asleep with Damen’s voice in the background and his hand over his belly. 

 

—- 

 

Laurent can’t sleep. 

It’s a recurrent fact these past few months, but with each night, the problem is starting to grow bigger and bigger. He was able to get a few hours of sleep before, whereas now he can’t even get a full hour before waking up. Something is keeping him up, but he doesn’t know what it is, or how to fix it. 

This is why he finds himself in a grocery shop at four in the morning, looking at ice cream. During his heat, one of the only things he craves are fruits and ice cream, despite Damen’s protests that he needs to eat something with more nutrients in it. Laurent always had a sweet tooth and he had thought that the pregnancy would have brought on the weirdest cravings ever. It did not. 

Laurent doesn’t crave anything. In fact, he doesn’t feel hunger, most of the time. But looking at ice cream makes him remember Damen, and he isn’t craving food, that’s for sure, but Damen? Damen, he could eat in one single meal. He’s craving him so badly that he can smell him in the air, as if he was just standing behind him. He closes his eyes, trying to push his dreams into reality. 

“Late night run?” 

Oh. 

Laurent turns around and sure enough, Damen is standing behind him, ice cream pint in his hands. It’s Laurent’s favorite and he almost smiles at first, until he remembers that Damen always hated that one, claiming that the taste on Laurent’s lips after eating it was too strong. Yet, he never stopped kissing him. 

Now, he’s buying it for his fiancée, to whom he will complain about the taste but kiss her nonetheless. 

“Yes,” Laurent says, disinterested. 

“How are you? It’s been a while.” 

How is he? Pregnant. Tired. Lonely. Fucking exhausted. 

“Good.” 

Damen waits for him to ask him the question back. He doesn't. 

“I was thinking of taking Nicaise on a trip,” Damen says. “If you’re OK with that, of course. We haven’t seen each other in a long time and I thought that it may do him good.” 

“When?” 

“I’m pretty busy the next few weeks with my new movie coming out, but probably after the wedding?”

The wedding is only a few weeks away now. As is Laurent’s delivery date. 

“Spring weddings suck,” Laurent says, even through he doesn’t have a single opinion about spring weddings and if he had one, it would probably be positive, because who the fuck doesn’t love spring? “Why choose that date?” 

“Uh. I don’t know? I didn’t really have a say in it?” 

“OK, well, it’s stupid. No offense to… What’s her name?” 

“Kaisey.” 

Kaisey. Kaisey. Kaisey. Kaisey. 

“Right. No offense to the lovely Kaisey.” 

“I’ll let her know.” 

“Has she met Nicaise?” Laurent asks. “Because I’m not OK with Nicaise meeting people without my knowledge first.” 

“Nicaise meets new people every day. He’s not five.” 

“Not people who are going to be a part of his family, no.” 

“They will barely be family. I don’t consider myself a part of it.”

How can Damen say that, when he’s claimed to love Nicaise for so long? Four years may not be much, but it is for Nicaise and it should be for Damen, too. 

“I need to go,” Laurent says. “Nice seeing you.” 

He doesn’t even wait for Damen to reciprocate before he starts walking. He doesn’t want to have to look at him any longer than necessary. 

He exits the store with nothing in his hands, having long forgotten the ice cream that he didn’t even want in the first place, but as he’s about to enter his car, he hears Damen coming back his way. 

“Actually, no,” Damen says. “I’m not happy to see you. Quite the opposite. Every time - every single time we see each other, I’m left with that fucking awful feeling and you don’t even give a damn!” 

“How is that my fault?” 

“Because you left me after four years, Laurent, without an explanation! Nothing. You just woke up and decided that we were done. I kept replaying it in my head, you know. We made love the night before. I could still taste you on my tongue. I bet you could still feel me inside of you.” 

“Don’t act like you care.” 

Damen looks hurt at the accusation. Or maybe he’s hurt that Laurent dares to say it out loud. 

“Of course I cared!” 

“Alright,” Laurent says. “If you say so.” 

“I do say so,” Damen says, just to have the final word. Then he adds, “Don’t come to the wedding. I don’t want you there. I’m not letting you ruin that day.”

“Wasn’t planning on coming anyway.”

Laurent gets in his car and slams the door. His heart is pounding inside his chest, ready to burst. His belly is upside down and the baby in it - he doesn’t want to think about it. 

He starts the car and watches as Damen becomes smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror. Damen doesn’t take his eyes away from the car until Laurent turns left. Then, Damen is gone, and so is Laurent. 

—— 

 

Laurent had thought his world was collapsing when the pregnancy test turned out to be positive. He had started throwing up the second the two lines appeared, head over the toilet while his stomach was emptying himself until only bile came out. That’s why Nicaise found the pregnancy test a few days after: Laurent had been so sick that he hadn’t gotten rid of it properly. 

He realizes now that this was only the beginning of his world ending. 

Damen’s voice is still in his head, his words repeating themselves over and over again. He doesn’t want to see him anymore. A wedding that has been on his mind for more than a month now will forever be a “what if”. 

Since their altercation yesterday, Laurent has been feeling like hell. His body hurts, from his head to his feet, spreading to his heart and belly. The words are playing in his head over and over again, and he knows how true they are. How much Damen meant to them. 

He deserved them. Probably deserves even more, if he’s being honest with himself. 

“Berenger wants to know if you finished the rapport,” Ancel says.

“Shit, no. I’ll do it now.” 

“Babe, it’s late already. I’ll tell him to wait, don’t worry.”

“No, I want to finish it now. I need to see Berenger anyway.” 

He gets up, not without some difficulty. His belly may be small, but it feels heavy, especially today. 

Then Laurent looks down. 

There’s a red mark on his chair. 

He doesn’t move. He stays still, for a long moment, feeling his heart beating in his ears when, slowly, he puts his hand on his butt and he doesn’t even need to see it to understand what it is, the feeling of wetness on his hand being the only indication he needs. 

“Shit,” Laurent says. 

There’s blood on his pants. 

“Berenger!” Ancel screams. “Hospital, now!” 

This time, Laurent passes out, completely, staying awake just long enough to feel Berenger catching him before he falls down on the floor. 

Relief. It's a relief that puts him to sleep. Finally, he can rest a bit.  

When he opens his eyes again, he’s at the hospital, a heart monitor attached to him, Nicaise in the corner of the room, looking scared to death, Ancel standing next to his bed, the doctor looking at the screen to try and locate the baby. 

“You’re back!” Ancel says, relief in his voice. “Fuck, you scared me so bad, you bastard!”

For a split second, Laurent thinks it’s over. The baby is dead, gone, just like he wanted. 

And his heart breaks in a million pieces while tears start pouring down his cheeks, even after the doctor confirms that everything is ok. 

He’s aware that they are all looking at him: Ancel, Berenger, Nicaise, the doc, but none of them are moving, as if Laurent is a dangerous wounded animal, too scary to approach. 

“Berenger, can you take Nicaise to get something to eat while the doctor explains everything to us?”

“I’m not leaving him!” Nicaise protests.

“Neither am I,” Ancel promises him. “Go, now.” 

Nicaise looks at Laurent, who has finally stopped crying, and finally agrees on exiting the room. Ancel reaches out to Laurent and takes his head between his hands, carefully wiping the tears away. 

“Talk,” Laurent says to the doctor. His voice is rough from the crying.  

“The baby is fine but you are not. You’re underweight and you lack sleep. Giving your… reaction, I get you are not feeling well mentally either. Is your alpha around?”

“No.”

“Could you convince him to come? I believe that this would help you.”

“No.” 

“Alright. Well, I will give you some herbs that can help slow down the birth process. You’ll need to rest and to eat as much as possible. If you can -” 

“I didn’t see him,” Laurent says. 

“Sorry?” 

“My baby. I want to see him, please.” 

The doctor seems hesitant but agrees. He puts the monitor back on and after a bit of time, he turns the screen to Laurent. 

It’s the first time he sees him. His baby. His little boy, in his belly, growing and kicking around, innocent and obvious as to how close to death he had been.

“I love him,” Laurent says. 

“Of course you do, honey,” Ancel says. He’s holding his hand now. “Of course you do.”

 

—- 

 

They go to Ancel and Berenger’s house. 

Laurent doesn’t want to, of course, but he isn’t fit to take care of Nicaise and even less of himself. 

It’s temporary , he tells himself. Just a few days to get back on track . 

Being close to an alpha, even if it’s not his alpha, should also help calm his nerves, something Laurent has yet to observe.

“Here’s another one,” Ancel says, adding a new fluffy pillow to Laurent’s bed. 

“That’s one too many,” Laurent says. “I don’t need this many pillows.” 

“Oh, I thought you would make a nest?” 

“I’m not giving birth in your guest room.”

“Nest isn’t only for the birth. It’s like your heat. It just - it helps calm you down. You didn’t know that?” 

No, he didn’t. No one taught him about heats and pregnancies and he’s a grown adult, a fucking smart one to add to it, but he refused to put any thought and time in researching his second gender. Guess it was all coming to bite him in the ass now. 

“Sorry for the trouble,” Laurent says, finally. 

“What trouble, honey? We’re friends. That’s what friends are for.” 

Laurent tries to think of the last time he had a friend. Auguste and Damen don’t really count and apart from them, he can’t think of a single person. There was Jord, for a while, but they stopped talking once he dated Aimeric, who Laurent hated with a burning passion. And then… And then no one, and Laurent would like to blame it on the fact he isn’t a social kind of person, but he knows that it’s not the truth. 

Laurent isn’t lovable, or even likeable. He’s mean, selfish, traumatized, weird, and a thousand more words that don’t hold any positivity. Yet, somehow, Ancel has taken a liking to him and is willing to let him stay at his place without expecting any kind of compensation. 

He should offer custody of the baby and Nicaise to them. Berenger and Ancel are going to be amazing parents. Sure Ancel is eccentric and their whole house is full of flaming colors, but the love they have for each other is so strong that Laurent can feel it echoing in his lonely soul. 

As a pregnant omega, watching another omega receive so much love from their alpha is creating an intense jealousy in him. He, too, would like to be loved that way. 

Berenger makes them food and they all watch a movie together after that, some cheesy movie that Ancel chose. It’s quite the picture, Ancel and him lying on the same couch, their belly quite different yet carrying life just the same. From the corner of his eyes, Laurent can see Berenger and Nicaise looking their ways from time to time. He pretends not to see them. 

Then finally, Laurent lays down in the quietness of his room. Quietness means time and space to think, which is never a good thing for him to do. 

“Are you sleeping?” Nicaise asks.

They’re sharing a room. It was not a necessity, as there was another guest room available, but Nicaise had already put his belongings in Laurent’s room and it was clear that there was no way of changing his plans. 

They’re lying side by side, their backs to each other, not an inch of their bodies touching, but the heat and smell radiating from Nicaise is there, comforting. Laurent has been told in the past that his own smell was intoxicating. He didn’t know if it was a compliment or not and since then, he always put an extra effort in hiding his smell as much as possible. 

“I called Damen,” Nicaise says when Laurent doesn’t answer. 

Laurent feels his heart sink in his chest. 

“Why would you -” 

“He didn’t pick up,” Nicaise says. “I said you were in the hospital, and he didn’t reply. Didn’t call back.”

“We’re not together anymore.”

“And so what?” Nicaise shoots. “You were together for four years! He just decided that he doesn’t care anymore? Is that it?”

“That’s what happens when you break up, yes.”

“Bullshit! He’s a fucking asshole, like, the biggest asshole on fucking earth. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!” 

Nicaise is screaming now, so loud that Berenger or Ancel is probably going to come into their room soon, but on top of the screams are the tears, too. It’s an ugly cry, loud and painful, that echoes in every deep part of Laurent’s soul. He wants to take Nicaise in his arms and kill Damen for hurting him. It’s like an animalistic instinct, the need to protect Nicaise overtaking him and Laurent acts before he can think, taking Nicaise against his body and hugging him as tight as possible.

“I’m sorry,” Laurent says. “He loves you, Nicaise. He loves you. It’s me that he doesn’t love. Not you. Never you.”

 

—- 

 

They spend two days with Berenger and Ancel before going back home with tons of food and unsolicited advice that Laurent still accepts with a smile, knowing full well he is in no position to voice any complaints. 

They’ve barely set foot into the house and Nicaise is already putting his coat back on. 

“Can I go to my friend’s house?” 

The request is surprising. Nicaise doesn’t have many friends, for starters, and so he always tells Laurent exactly which one he’s going to see. Secondly, given the whole situation, Laurent thought it would be hard to get Nicaise to even go to school without worrying about him. 

Any other time, he would have pressed for more answers. But today, he’s just tired and he wants to see Nicaise happy. 

“Sure. But text me or no more going out.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Bye!” 

He slams the door on his way out and Laurent should probably say something about it, but he’s happy to see Nicaise happy, and so he just lets himself fall down on the couch and closes his eyes. 

Thanks to Ancel’s motherly care, he finally started gaining weight and he came back home with enough meals prepped that will be enough to feed both Nicaise and him for the next two months. Yet he still hasn’t been able to sleep properly and he’s starting to feel like he won’t ever have a full night of rest. Ancel had told him that it was a natural reaction of his body choosing to stay on high alert while waiting for his alpha to come home. 

Yet, now, lying on his couch, his eyes closed and the house quiet, a comforting feeling starts to wash over him and he can feel his body drifting to sleep. He probably found the right position, one that takes some of the baby’s weight off. Or maybe eating is putting him to sleep, he doesn’t know for sure but he knows one thing: he is just about to fall asleep when the door of the apartment opens again. 

He mentally curses Nicaise. 

“What did you forget?” 

One sniff of the air. One little sniff, and Laurent knows who is really behind him. 

Damen is home. 

Damen’s face is pale, his eyes tired and he didn’t even seem to have brushed his beautiful hair. He still looks like the prettiest man on earth. 

“You look like shit,” Laurent says. 

“You don’t look any better yourself.” 

Ouch. 

But then Damen is moving closer to him and Laurent is still on the couch, his body hiding under the blanket, and he doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. Tell him to get lost? Ask for his forgiveness? Beg him to love him again?

“Why are you here?”

Damen has sat down on the floor. Not on the couch, like a normal human being, but on the floor, next to Laurent’s feet. 

“I came as fast as I could. How are you? Are you OK?” 

“Nicaise isn’t here.”

“I know.”

That little bastard. 

“I was in Japan,” Damen explains, “for that stupid movie but I came as soon as I could. I left them all without any explanation.” 

“I left the hospital two days ago.” 

“You think I don’t know that? I went there and they wouldn’t tell me where you went. I called you but you’ve blocked me. Same for Nicaise. I went to your office, but Berenger and Ancel were both absent and I didn’t know their address. I tried, so hard, but I couldn’t find you.” 

“Well, you’ve found me now”

“Yes, because Nicaise unblocked me and saw that I was going insane! I called every hospital! I called - I thought you were dead.” 

“I’m not. You’re good.” 

“No, Laurent, you don’t get it. I couldn’t find you, and I thought I was going to die. This is how much I love you, don’t you get it? Seven months. You’ve been away from me for seven months and for seven months, I’ve been feeling like my head has been put under water. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I can’t - shit, I can’t live like that. I can’t live without you.” 

Laurent holds his breath. In another world, he would just leap into Damen’s arms and tell him he feels the same way, and all of this nightmare would be over. They would have love each other again and pretend none of this ever happened. 

In his belly, the baby kicks, reminding him of his presence. 

“What did Nicaise tell you?”

“He just said you were at the hospital and that it was bad. He didn’t say what happened or anything else and I... I thought - Shit, I thought of Auguste.”

Auguste didn’t die from an accident or from a health issue. He died from a sickness, the hardest sickness that exists, an invisible one that had eaten him alive. It was Laurent who found his body. 

“I would never have done that to Nicaise,” Laurent says, outraged.

Damen knows damn right how painful Auguste’s death had been - is - to him. He would never do that to Nicaise. Not even in his lowest moment had he thought of leaving that boy behind. 

“What is it, then?”

Laurent takes his courage and finally gets up from the couch, showing his body to Damen. 

“I don’t get it?” 

Ah. Perhaps his belly is even smaller than he thought. 

Tentatively, Laurent lifts his hoodie until his skin is showing, blooming under the light of the moon. 

He wishes it was daylight, so he could see clearly Damen’s face, but he’s also grateful it’s night, so that Damen can’t see the tears forming in his eyes.

“Fuck,” Damen says. His voice is full of anger. Laurent quickly lowers his hoodie. 

“Yeah. Surprise.” 

“Surprise…? This isn’t… Fuck!” 

Laurent wonders, then, if all of that has been for nothing. The idea that Damen would have married him if he had known - it doesn’t seem so true anymore with how angry he looks right now, his fists tight and his pheromones reeking of hate. 

Jokaste had told him that the baby was his at first and although there was a doubt, Damen had almost gone on with it. 

He had loved her more than he loved Laurent, then. 

“Don’t need to get all wound up. I’m handling it alone, don’t worry.”

“Who did this?” Damen asks, not listening to him. “Who did this to you? I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them with my bare hands!” 

“Who…” Laurent repeats, confused. “It’s yours, dickhead.” 

Damen takes a step back. He looks hurt. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“And force you into spending the rest of your life with me? Please. Cut me some slack, would you?” 

“Force me? When have I ever complained about being with you? You’re the one who dumped me!”

“You never proposed.”

It’s there, finally. Saying the words out loud creates something in him, joy and pain interlacing together and filling his head. 

“You didn’t propose. We didn’t buy a house. You didn’t want to be seen with me. How was I supposed to feel? Should I have tricked you with the baby? Forced you to stay even when I knew you were never going to love me as much as I love you?” 

“You said you didn’t want to,” Damen says. “That marriage was just a piece of paper.”

“But maybe I wanted that piece of paper! Maybe I wanted your last name and fuck, I asked you to mark me! I asked you. And you refused.”

“This isn’t - Laurent, it’s not…”

“It’s not what? Tell me. Go ahead, tell me why I’m not good enough for you.”

“Not good enough?” Damen repeats. “Who got that in your head?”

“You!” Laurent screams. “It’s you!”

Damen looks hurt at the accusation, as if he has no idea what Laurent is talking about. There are so many things Laurent wants to say to him, so many accusations he wants to throw in his face, but he doesn’t think Damen would understand. 

“I can’t stand up that long,” Laurent says, feeling the exhaustion rushing through his body. 

He sits down with a loud sound and Damen does the same, but this time he sits next to Laurent. He’s holding his head in his hands, his eyes looking into the abyss in front of him, and Laurent can only stare at him. The baby continues to kick. Laurent puts his hand on his belly, trying to comfort him. Damen follows his movement and now his eyes are stuck on that round belly and the baby growing inside of him.

“How far along are you?” Damen asks.

“Almost seven months.” 

Damen nods. 

“Is it… Is this why you were in the hospital?”

“Yes. I had some bleeding. I’m OK,” Laurent says, and then, “we’re OK.” 

“Good. That’s… Good.” 

“I don’t know if I’m keeping it,” Laurent says. He’s back at calling the baby it. It feels weird, now. 

“Oh,” Damen says. “That’s… Why go on with the pregnancy, then?” 

“Because.” 

“OK.” 

They sit in silence. They’re so close to each other that Laurent would just have so move his leg for them to be touching. He holds still. Seven months without Damen’s touch. Seven awful, long and painful months. 

“You’re too good for me,” Damen says after some time. “I didn’t ask you to marry me because I thought you wouldn’t want to. You’ve always been so independent and I was so afraid that you were going to run away from me if I did the wrong move, that I chose to stay still.”

“But you proposed to your new girlfriend in what? Two months?”

Damen turns in his direction with a frown.

“What new girlfriend?”

“Fiancée would be more appropriate, I apologize.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You invited me.”

“To Kastor’s wedding, yes, I remember.”

It’s Laurent’s time to frown. He had seen Damen’s name on the invitation. 

Damen’s name, which is identical to Kastor’s name. 

“But Nicaise…” Laurent says, confused. Nicaise had read it. Nicaise knew about the misunderstanding. But then again, Nicaise was probably trying to protect him in his own way. And he tried  to push him to go to that stupid wedding which makes sense now. “It doesn’t matter. That’s not why I left.” 

“No, it is not. And you were right about everything you said.” 

Damen gets up and Laurent watches as one of his knees hits the floor and he takes one of his own rings off his fingers. 

There’s a buzzing sound in Laurent’s ear. 

Is this really happening? 

“I’ll buy you a proper one soon,” Damen explains. “And I’ll buy us a house, for you, Nicaise, and the baby. I’ll mark you, and you’ll mark me. And I’ll never, ever make you feel like you’re not good enough because, baby, you are not just enough for me. You’re my everything. Those past seven months have been… I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through, but I know it must have been ten times harder for you and for that, I want to apologize by making it up to you.” 

“I won’t marry you out of obligation,” Laurent somehow gets the words out of his mouth. 

“No, you’ll marry me out of love,” Damen says. “Well. If you still want me, that’s it…” 

“If I still want you,” he repeats. 

He wants Damen more than he wants life itself. He wants Damen, so deep inside of him that he will be able to feel him for the next fifty years. He wants Damen, the good and the bad, no matter how bad at communicating they are. 

Laurent extends his hand. 

Damen puts the ring on and finally - finally - after seven months, Damen’s lips are on his. 

Laurent never knew how powerful a kiss could be, but every time he kisses Damen, he feels his heart beating stronger against his chest, colors booming in his eyes and that warm, familiar feeling in his stomach that tells him all that he already knows: he is right where he belongs. 

When they break their kiss, they don’t separate. Damen’s forehead is resting against his, his arms are around his middle, holding him against him. This , Lauren thinks, is how we should always be; enterlated into each other, with no idea of when one begins and the other ends.  

“Nicaise is behind the door,” Damen says, “he’s going to burst in any moment from now.” 

“OK.”

He had hoped their reunion would be longer and he tries to push away the disappointment that is already forming inside of him. He wants to devour Damen and for Damen to devour him. He wants them to rub against each other until their bodies are bleeding from the friction, until they can’t even feel their skins anymore. He wants Damen to put his hands on his belly and to feel their son moving, the ultimate proof of their love for one another. 

Then, after that, he wants Nicaise to come home and he wants them to be a family again. 

“Can you call Ancel?” Damen asks. “Do you think he will be ok with taking care of Nicaise for, I don’t know, maybe a few days?” 

“Yes,” Laurent says, his heart booming with love. “Let’s do that.” 

Inside of him, their son starts kicking again.