Work Text:
Maybe you don’t work like that.
Maybe she’s right about you. Or maybe that voice came from your own head. You’re the same as her, aren’t you? You wonder if that's still an insecurity. You wonder when it became a hope.
The only thing that makes you interesting is me.
You keep trying to be normal. You show up to his workplace party. And then you pull the fire alarm. You come to see him at work. And then you stare at him across the courtyard before leaving. It’s her in your mind as you walk away.
It would be nice to be normal and decent. But you’ve been so bored for years. Why else would you have walked into this with your eyes open? Anna told you that you were her type. You laid in her bed anyway.
You never would have fallen for Gina. What does it say about him, that he has you and smiles at her?
Ordering Indian food is nice. Remembering the extra lime pickle is nice. What does it say about you, that you have him and chase her?
The first rule of AA is honesty. That group can smell bullshit from a mile away. And when she told them your life story, the story you’ve been telling yourself, they all called bullshit.
Maybe it’s time for you to look in the mirror. But it’s double sided glass and you’re being watched. And she's halfway around the world, looking in the mirror and thinking of herself. Or is she thinking of you? That line was never built to last, made of lipstick smears that get fainter every day.
You want to be good, don’t you? That’s what you said anyway. A good guy like you wouldn’t lie. Wouldn’t run from someone good, from the only version of yourself that could be normal and decent. You try to remember your line, about only doing this to protect other people. You can’t get it out anymore. You haven’t been able to for weeks.
Do you want me to love you, or do you want me to frighten you?
“I don’t know,” you said to him. So you do lie. Not the first time.
And he liked it, too. You picked someone normal and decent, who could be like you when pushed into it. But unlike you, he saw what was coming and it made him leave. You both have the capacity to be normal and decent. But he’s the one who wants it. He’s the one who would choose it, once he saw what the other option was.
Best to leave him to his normal little life. Leave him to her fake pearls and string lights and ballerina music box and the domesticity of her grandmother’s house. He’ll be happy here. Otherwise, he might end up castrated with a french dress on. A good guy would want him to be happy.
You wonder what you’ll do to him instead.
You’ve already made your choice. Maybe one of you will get to live with your decisions.