Letters to Nobody

by SomeoneStoleMyToast

Summary:

Clancy is stuck in a cycle of torture and brainwashing.

Torch is stuck in a cycle of not knowing if his boyfriend is going to be alive the next day.

Notes:

THIS IS ALSO CROSS-POSTED TO WATTPAD UNDER SOMEONESTOLEMYTOAST2. DO NOT DISTRIBUTE TO ANY OTHER SITE.

THIS FIC CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE, GORE, SELF HARM, IMPLIED NON-CON, AND TORTURE. READ WITH CAUTION AND DOUBLE CHECK THE TAGS PLEASE.

Kudos and comments always welcomed and appreciated! (Please i like hearing your feedback in the comments it helps keep me motivated to keep writing)

Spotify playlist :3 : https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7m783GkHlYYK13AueWqfFZ?si=eCGM85oqRzOoAuJajblNtA&pi=-qxwELjJTROks

Chapter 1: Clancy

They always took the letters I wrote, at least Keons did. I knew they were being burnt, but I at least had a letter from Torch, which I couldn’t stop reading.

 

Clancy,

If we’re separated again, I want you to hold onto this. I will wait for your return no matter how long it takes. I love you, and I’ll love you no matter what happens. The Banditos will welcome you back and I’ll be with them.

You are strong Clancy, and I’m so glad that I can share my life with you. Our connection is stronger than the Bishops think it is.

I love you.

- TB

Sotidnab era ew

 

I hid the letter under the bed in my cell as I heard footsteps. Another Good Day Dema broadcast.

I was brought out of my cell and dragged down a hallway before being thrown into the broadcasting room, then I was drugged, but that was the least of my problems. 

They needed me to seem happy, and I couldn’t act well enough. I had to entertain.

Torch wouldn’t leave my mind though, I missed him, I was staying alive for him.

Lisden and Sacaraver introduced me to the viewers, and I just complied with their questions. Even in my drugged state I never mentioned Torch, only things that would let him know that I wasn’t a traitor, even though the Banditos probably saw me as that now.

“Last broadcast we asked the viewers to send in questions for Clancy!” Lisden said, and I snapped back to reality. “Sacarver, do you want to read them?”

Sacarver nodded. 

At the end of every week they did a QNA with me, to use me even more. Maybe the neon gravestones weren’t such a bad idea after all.

“A resident of Keons’ district asked ‘what is your favorite color?’” 

I paused at that, it was yellow, the bishops couldn’t see yellow, but I said it anyway.

“Yellow.”

I remembered the yellow flowers that Torch would give me, and I accidentally said that out loud.

“He would give me yellow flowers.” 

The drugs were fully kicked in now, and I couldn’t think. 

I answered all the questions asked before the broadcast was over, and I was dragged back to my cell. I knew that something bad would happen to me because of what I said on Good Day Dema. 

I had about 4 hours until I was going to be exploited for my creativity again, so I might as well take a nap while I can and hope that the nightmares don’t torment me again.

It was easier said than done however.

Chapter 2: Torchbearer

There were wilted yellow flowers on the table next to my cot. The same flowers I had given Clancy, the same ones he brought up on Good Day Dema. The same ones he was probably getting tortured over.

I would call Clancy a flower, we'd run off from camp into a nearby flower field and just act like we were always going to be safe. We’d make each other flower crowns and lay in opposite directions in the grass but still face each other.

I looked over to my trunk of clothes and saw the stack of flower crowns, long dead by now but I couldn't let go of them. His clothes were losing his scent, I was slowly losing him.

"Torch!" Someone outside my tent called, but I couldn't find the energy to get up.

I simply kept my radio on, hoping to hear his voice again.

"TORCH!" the same person shouted, before unzipping my tent.

"Go away, Marcus," I said. I just wanted to lay in bed, was that too much to ask?

"Get the fuck out of bed, dude, we need you today," Marcus replied, and my state of numbness was overtaken by guilt, anger, and sadness.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" I snapped, and he left, mumbling something under his breath.

All the other Banditos were sympathetic when it came to my grieving, but not Marcus. He always seemed to want my role as leader, and I might just give it to him. 

I didn’t feel whole without Clancy with me. I held that radio close to my chest as they played a song called “Shy Away” 

Hearing him sing was all I needed.

I needed to be strong for the other Banditos, but I couldn’t do that right now. I couldn’t be strong for them. I couldn’t be strong for Clancy.

I was rotting in bed. I hadn’t properly eaten in days. I missed my boy. I missed my love. I missed loving him.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Clancy, the same man who would laugh in a field of flowers while I played with his hair. He’d kill for me, tear Dema down brick by brick for me, but I was stuck rotting. I should be taking on Dema single handedly but I wasn’t.

I heard my tent unzip again and I was ready to shout at Marcus again, but instead of Marcus it was Alexis and Neo.

“We figured something out, well, Neo did, but we’re gonna need your help,” Alexis said, and I sat up.

“It might take a while,” Neo added, “but we have a chance to make it work if you’ll help us, it’ll help bring Clancy back to you.”

For the first time in a while I got out of bed, hope blooming in my chest like the flowers Clancy loved. It was almost like winter turned to spring in an instant.

“Anything to get him back.”

Chapter 3: Clancy

Summary:

a lot of flower symbolism in this

Guards dragged me to a different cell and they threw me in with such force that I felt like I was thrown out of my body.

“Tell us who TB is and maybe we’ll spare you this time,” the guards said, and I looked at them with fear in my eyes. They found the note.

“I’m not telling you,” I said, and I was kicked in the stomach. I wasn’t going to give in though.

“Should we waterboard it out of him?” one of the guards asked the other, and I paused.

“No, he’s resisted that before.”

I knew that they would make it slow and painful.

I got another kick to the stomach before I was pulled up by my hair. I still kept my thoughts silent. 

“If your Bandito ‘friends’ actually cared they would have come for you already, face it Clancy, they aren’t coming back,” the one grabbing my hair said, and that’s when my thoughts spiraled. 

They would’ve come for me by now. Torch would’ve come for me by now.

My hair was let go and I sat there, trying my hardest to not cry. I couldn’t cry.

“That got to him,” one of the guards said, and the other one smirked.

“TB and the Banditos would’ve come for you by now, and if TB really loved you then you wouldn’t even be here.” I was pulled onto my feet by my hair and I barely registered that a guard broke my nose until I felt the bleeding. I heard the cell door shut and I was alone again.

Torch didn’t love me, and he possibly never did. Maybe all those nights we spent together were just acting. The nights that were just between us, the nights where we had to be quiet.

He always said he loved me, but if he loved me I wouldn’t be stuck here. Maybe all those nights were fake, even though I would never forget the way his callused hands felt on my skin. He knows my body and mind like the back of his hand, gentle touches and rough kisses was all he knew when it came to me. 

No, he loves me, he’s shown me countless times that he does. He’s made me flower crowns and given me yellow marigolds, but why hasn’t he tried to rescue me yet?

I let myself cry for the first time in a while.

Torchbearer didn’t love me, and it made my heart wilt like flowers that had been forgotten about in a vase hidden away from the sun. He didn’t love me.

He probably never did.

Chapter 4: Torchbearer

The next morning was the first time I was properly seen outside my tent in weeks.

Yesterday Alexis, Neo, and I were planning ideas on how to hijack Dema’s firewall to let Clancy know that we’re still going to welcome him home.

We had a giant tent with a TV in it, both for recreation and watching every single Dema broadcast while we ate breakfast to just see how it’s still holding up. 

I was watching Good Day Dema with the rest of the Banditos, eating one of our premade meals that we stole from Dema cargo that’s waiting to be transported into the city from the outskirts. We track shipments that come every week or so and send people out there days in advance to camp and take as many supplies that they can and bring them back to us, giving us at least 2 months worth of food, water, hygiene products, and pain meds if we ration it correctly. Same thing with extra clothes and blankets for the winter.

I stopped eating my food when I saw him. 

His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was now a bright pink.

“Clancy,” I whispered, standing up, and he looked directly into the camera. 

I almost cried at the sight of him. What did they do to him?

“So, Clancy, the viewers know that you’ve tried to escape, and a lot of them ask what the outside was like,” Lisden said, and Clancy opened his mouth to begin talking.

“It was terrifying. Nobody should ever try to copy me, there’s people out there who are dangerous, listen to the bishops,” Clancy said, and I saw that everyone around me was quiet until Marcus screamed “TRAITOR!” and everyone followed suit besides Alexis and Neo.

I silently left the tent, and ran. I ran further east until I crashed into that same flower field, and I screamed.

I screamed as loud as I could and I gripped my face, digging my nails into my forehead until I felt blood drip down. They stained the flowers below me red, petals crumbled at the droplets, and tears and blood mixed together as I sobbed.

They were torturing him, drugging him. I couldn’t even comprehend everything. I cried for Clancy.

Then I heard soft footsteps behind me and I whipped my head around me, only to see Neo.

“How the hell did you find me?” I asked, wiping my eyes and composing myself. He shrugged, setting his bag down on the grass and sitting next to me. “You’re easy to track, Torch,” he replied, brushing his shoulder length black hair out of his eyes with his fingers. “I left Alexis to deal with the rest of the Banditos.”

“You left your older sister to deal with the rest of them?” I asked, and he nodded. “She dealt with me when we escaped, they’ll be easier than I was.”

I laughed at that, until I felt a stinging sensation on my forehead. 

“What the fuck dude?” I asked as he put a bandage around my head. Neo just shrugged. “I don’t want it to get infected, that's all.”

I nodded as I lay down in the flowers. “What do you think they’re doing to him?”

“From what I saw, they’re drugging him with something,” Neo replied, opening his bag again and throwing me a water bottle. “We’re getting closer to hijacking their system, dude, don’t worry.” 

I sighed and I put my arm over my eyes. I didn’t want to wake up one morning and see that he was dead.

I didn’t want him to come home dead. I didn’t want to place daffodils and yellow roses on a grave instead of picking them with him.

“If it helps you feel better Alexis lectured everyone in that tent,” Neo said, breaking the silence. 

“My boyfriend is being used as propaganda and being tortured,” I replied “nothing can help me feel better.”

Neo nodded, and fidgeted with his hands. “I know dude, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you even out here in the first place?” I asked and he paused.

“Wanted to make sure that you didn’t hurt yourself,” he said, and I nodded.

After a few minutes of silence I sat back up and opened my mouth to speak.

“You know how I have that projection thing?” I asked, and Neo nodded. 

“I’ve been trying for weeks now but I can’t get it inside Dema.”

“How is that even possible?” Neo asked, and I shrugged.

“Whatever it is, it's making it easier for them to hurt Clancy.”

I felt the tears well up in my eyes again, but I wiped them away. 

I’d have to find another way to get him back.

 

Chapter 5: Clancy

Notes:

sorry for the shorter chapter. next one is gonna be longer :)

I felt my sense of self slowly disappear. I couldn’t tell what was real or fake anymore.

Days blurred together, I’d be taken out of my cell, brought out to entertain, have my creativity abused, and if I was decent I’d be spared from being hurt, even though I deserved it. I escaped, this was my sentence, to be stuck in a cycle of torture.

They told me that the Banditos wanted me dead, and I believed them. I believed everything that I was told.

They deprived me of sleep, isolated me, it got to a point where I was hallucinating The Torchbearer, but all he wanted to do was hurt me. The Banditos were dangerous and I was lucky to have been taken back inside the walls. This was my home, I needed to stay here. Dema wasn’t bad. Vialism wasn’t bad. I was just confused.

I was dragged into the broadcasting room again, this time for an interview.

They drugged me again, and I don’t remember anything that I said on Good Day Dema.

I was shoved back into my cell afterwards, and I screamed. I didn’t know why I screamed, I just did. I’d punch the walls, but that didn’t do much as they were padded. I wanted to punch something until my knuckles broke, but they made my cell comfortable, too comfortable.

But I was safe here, that’s all that mattered. I wasn’t safe out there. The outside was dangerous. The Torchbearer was dangerous. I needed to kill him before he killed me.

I fell asleep on the floor. I wanted the pain to end. 

Maybe I'll reach paradise tomorrow.

Chapter 6: Torchbearer

Notes:

LONGER CHAPTER + BACKSTORY SHIT :3

It got to a point where I was making my projection do everything for me around camp. I couldn’t get him into Dema so at the very least I’d still get chores done while I helped plan ways to infiltrate the city.

“You’ve been sitting at this table for hours now, staring at a map of Dema,” Jazz, someone who I saw as a sister, said as she sat down across from me. 

“I’ve been using my projection to handle things around here, I need to focus on getting Clancy back,” I replied, running my hands through my hair.

“You’re putting too much stress on yourself by doing that, it’s hard to split your attention onto two different things,” she said, and I shrugged. “It’s easier when you know how to do it.”

“You need a break, Torch,” Jazz said, and I shook my head.

“Neo is going out fishing later, you should join him, it’ll take your mind off things.”

I sighed, she was right. I wasn’t making any progress so I decided to just fold up the map and stick it in my pocket before leaving the tent I was in.

I walked over to my tent and focused back on just myself, causing my projection to fade, and I decided to wear something other than my regular Bandito outfit.

I changed into a pair of loose pants that went to my shins, a plain t-shirt, and threw one of Clancy’s jackets on before grabbing a backpack.

The closest river was northbound, so I looked around camp for Neo. If we wanted to be back by sunset we’d have to leave now.

“Are you going down to the river with me today?” he asked, and I nodded. “We’re going to have to camp down there, animals got into our food supply and we aren’t expecting another shipment to raid until a week from now.”

I decided to run back to my tent to grab a few things. I was fine with the clothes I was wearing now and Clancy’s windbreaker would keep me warm enough at night. It was the one thing I never touched so it still smelled like him and I found comfort in that.

I packed my journal, it was leatherbound and I made it myself when I escaped Dema. It was full of notes and drawings from when I was 14 up to today. I was able to add more pages if I needed to.

I had sketches of Clancy wearing the flower crowns I made him, or him sitting by the fire. A lot of my drawings were of Clancy and they always had notes under them about how much I loved him.

I grabbed my bandana before tying it around my neck like usual, and I left my tent again before meeting back up with Neo.

“Just letting you know I’ll be fine sleeping outside, I’m not sharing a tent with a 16 year old,” I said, and then I realized why I was going with him. Jazz is making me babysit the teenager again.

Neo nodded as he got his stuff together and we started walking. 

The river wasn’t far, but it wasn’t close either. Luckily Neo was good at keeping a conversation going. 

“Have you ever had to scream Sahlo?” Neo asked out of the blue, and I nodded.

“When Clancy was taken, when I woke up that morning and couldn’t find him I screamed it at the top of my lungs, but that’s the only time I did, it was a few months before you and Alexis got here.”

“We got here a year ago though,” Neo said, and I nodded. “Yeah,” I replied, and I was able to change the conversation due to the fact that I could smell the river getting closer, except for the fact that we had to walk through a thick portion of forest to get to it.

I took my knife out and told Neo to stay behind me.

Maybe this is why they needed me to come with him. Neo wasn’t the hunting type, he’d mainly gather in the field by camp or work on our electronics. We weren’t able to track Dema cargo until he got here, the kid’s smart with technology and I’m forever grateful that he showed up when he did. If he hadn’t we would’ve probably exhausted all our supplies before winter. 

Dema cargo has a lot of tech parts, so he organized the first raid to get them. He memorized the schedule of the drop offs from secretly climbing the walls to look at the outside. He and 4 others went out days in advance to get those supplies and we finally had something that allowed us to keep a closer eye on the city. 

A closer eye on Clancy.

We kept moving through the forest until we reached the river, and I decided to finally take a break.

I took off my bag and grabbed my notebook, skipping through pages until I found the next blank one. I decided to draw the river in front of me. 

I luckily found my brushes and my paints in the bottom of my bag. I had vials of different colors that Jazz made me with the flowers in the meadow by camp. I carefully painted the scene in front of me, and it helped me calm down for the first time in a while.

I forgot how much I loved art. 

“Hey, Torch, I’m gonna go ahead and start setting up,” Neo said, and I nodded, not looking up from my notebook.

Clancy would say that how I was careful with my brushes reminded him about how I was careful with him. I was rough with my kisses but gentle with my touches. That’s how he liked it; that’s how I liked it. His skin was like a canvas, rough and rigid, but I could still find the beauty in it while my hands would caress every inch of him. My fingertips acting like my brushes. I could look at him and see art. Art that should be on display but I kept to myself.

I didn’t notice until a tear fell onto the page that I was crying.

I kept painting though, and when I was done I kept my notebook open for it to dry, using a rock to make sure it wouldn’t close on itself. 

I took out my pen and wrote a diary entry under it.

First time painting in over a year. On a fishing trip with Neo, I guess we’re bonding but in a sibling dynamic kinda way. He’s always asking me questions about Clancy and I do my best to answer them. I see him as a younger brother kind of. It’s a weird dynamic.

“Hey, Torch!” Neo called and I stood up, going over to where he was by the riverbank.

Maybe spending time with Neo will help me forget about everything else that’s going to shit. I needed my family more than ever now, we weren’t related by blood but I still saw a lot of the Banditos as my family. Neo was my little brother now, and I didn’t mind that.

Chapter 7: Torchbearer

Notes:

i fucking hate copying these on mobile it’s so annoying trying to reformat shit.

I taught Neo how to properly fish before I went off to go scavenge for good firewood. He told me that they could handle himself and that Alexis had taught them how to debone and gut animals when they were wandering Trench after they escaped.

I had a small hatchet tied to my bag, only to be used for firewood. My knife was there in case I couldn’t fight something with my hands.

I was putting logs I had cut up into my bag when I heard it.

“SAHLO FOLINA!”

It was loud, and I never ran faster in my life than I had then.

If something or someone got to Neo before I did, I don’t think I could live with myself. 

When I got to them he was holding my unlit torch out at what seemed to be a vulture, but I noticed very quickly that it was seized by a bishop. Those orange eyes gave it away immediately.

Besides the raid missions this was his first time properly outside camp alone. He knew first hand what the bishops were like.

“Neo, hey, kid, it’s okay,” I said, taking my torch out of his hands and setting it down. The Vulture flew away the moment it saw me.

Neo fell into my arms and sobbed, so we were both sitting on the ground now.

“It was Reisdro,” he said, and I was confused as to how he knew.

“How do you know?” I asked, and he looked at me.

“Not the vulture, it’s just, my parents, they were victims of Vialism,” he said, backing up slightly. “After they died my bishop, Reisdro, seized them to remind us of the power they had.”

I nodded, unsure of where he was going with this. 

“He has very specific movements, and I saw it in the vulture.” 

He wiped his eyes and sighed. “After that I spiraled, and Alexis got us out.”

He sighed again. “I’m sorry.”

I put my hand on his shoulder in response. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, kid,” I said, and he shook his head.

“Before the vulture, I-” he started, and I was concerned.

“You left your knife out and I just couldn’t handle being alone with my thoughts anymore.”

I wasn’t a stranger to self harm. Clancy had his own personal issues with it.

“First, can I have my knife back?” I asked, and he nodded, handing it back to me.

“Neo, you’re like my little brother, and as your metaphorical big brother I’m not mad at you,” I said, taking out a first aid kit from the front pocket of my bag.

“Can I clean them for you?” 

He nodded, rolling up his sleeve, and I carefully cleaned his wrist up before wrapping it in bandages.

As the sun started to set I got our fire going, and Neo sat opposite to me as we ate some of the fish he caught.

“Again, Torch, I’m so sorry,” he started but I cut him off.

“My name is Josh, kid, I trust you enough for you to know that.”

He nodded, looking up at the stars.

“Do you know any constellations?” I asked, and he shrugged. “Not really, Alexis does though.”

I finished up the rest of my fish and sighed. 

“Hey, Josh?” Neo asked, and I looked at him.

“Thank you, just, for being there for me.”

“Of course kid, that’s what older brothers are for.”

He smiled at that, and I couldn’t help but smile back.

We stayed up for a few more hours until Neo went into the tent he set up to go to sleep.

I didn’t want to invade his privacy so I stayed outside by the fire, writing in my journal.

Another letter to Clancy that I could never get to him. Another letter ruined by my tears.

I used my bag as a pillow that night, attempting to get some sleep, but I couldn’t get rid of that feeling that I wasn’t doing enough.

Notes:

I’m gonna go practice guitar now byeeee

Chapter 8: Clancy

I didn't know what day it was anymore, or who I was. The drugs were getting to my head as days blurred together, but I still listened to what I was told. The isolation was torment enough but they consistently reminded me of how the Banditos abandoned me, so my hatred towards them grew. My hatred towards Josh grew.

I was sitting at a desk, being watched by Keons as I wrote, it was mainly just anything that came to mind at this point as my writer's block was getting worse.

I suddenly felt a familiar feeling next to me, but nothing was there. I shrugged it off and I kept writing. It came back periodically, and it felt warm, but would flicker away after a few seconds, almost like a match. 

I managed to ignore it, but I could still feel the flickering of fire and the smell of pine needles next to me. The sensation followed, even after I was taken back to my cell. I didn’t like it. Pine and fire reminded me of The Torchbearer, and he abandoned me. I was safer here. Dema was my home.

The sensation grew stronger, and I sat next to my bed and dug my fingernails into my scalp. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, and suddenly the sensation went away. I no longer felt the fire or smelled pine needles. 

I was probably just hallucinating again. Hallucinating the man who probably wanted to kill me. Hallucinating the leader of the group who abandoned me. I could still vaguely remember the taste of his lips, but now I knew that the flavor of sea salt and moss was nothing more than a lie. 

Even though a part of me missed the taste of sea salt and moss, missed those calloused hands, a part of me was continuously trying to convince me that what I was being told was wrong, but I shut it out. The Banditos abandoned me.

I got onto my bed, slowly getting used to the comfort of the mattress, and curled up in a fetal position as I faced the wall.

The silence was deafening as my thoughts tormented me. I couldn’t figure out what was real and I wanted to scream. I wanted to die, to reach paradise, but I couldn’t. I’d press a gun to my head but the magazine would be empty when I pulled the trigger. I was tired, so fucking tired. I thought I had found a new family on the outside but I was instead shown the dangers. The walls existed for a reason. To protect us from the dangers of the outside. 

I felt the fire again and smelled pine, but this time I heard a faint voice. Josh’s voice.

“We never abandoned you.”

Chapter 9: Torchbearer

Notes:

HEAVY GORE. READ WITH CAUTION

When I woke up that morning I had a deer staring directly at me. Cons of sleeping outside, you get random forest animals staring down at you when you wake up.

I could tell that it was a doe, and she let me pet her before running off. It was a weird encounter but weirder has happened. I got up and stretched, knowing it’d be a while before Neo woke up. 

The sun was already up, and the grass below me was damp due to the humidity of Trench. Even in the fall we still had humid nights and dew droplets on the grass in the morning, at least my bag was mostly waterproof so my notebook was dry. 

Neo usually didn’t get up until around noon, giving me a little over 6 hours to look for more supplies that we could use back at camp, but I also felt like I shouldn’t leave Neo alone because of what happened yesterday. I was worried about him, but he trusted me, so I should trust him in return. 

I ran my fingers through my hair before resting my forehead on them. I was thinking the worst. I didn’t want to lose anymore family.

Suddenly I heard the tent behind me open and Neo stepped out.

“I thought you weren’t going to be up until noon like you usually are,” I said, and he shrugged. “I wanted to get an early start.”

I nodded, and he sighed. 

Luckily the fish survived, and I carried the bag that they were in.

“We should leave that tent there, just in case,” he said, and I agreed. I’d be less stuff to trek back to camp. 

We started walking and I had to bring it up now rather than later.

“I wanted to talk to you,” I said, and he put his hands in his pocket and nodded.

“Josh, it’s just hard to break the habit,” Neo said, and I saw the numbness in his eyes. “After my parents died I wanted to join them, but Alexis stopped me. She got us out because otherwise I would’ve been 6 feet under.”

“My sister was a victim of Vialism,” I said, and he looked at me. “I was 14 when I escaped. It took 3 tries.”

“I also wanted to die after she did, and you’re strong for still being here, Neo, I know from personal experience how hard it is to keep going.”

He dropped his things and hugged me. I hugged him back.

***

When we got back to camp I gave all the fish to Jacob, our cook before going to my tent. I reeked of fish so I decided to grab a towel and head east to the hot springs located near camp. While not the most hygienic it had to do for now. 

I wasn’t surprised to see another guy there, Marcus. 

I took off Clancy’s jacket and my shirt before getting in the water in just my boxers. 

“Surprised to see you outside of your tent,” he sneered, and I tried to ignore him. “You’re still defending your traitor of a boyfriend I heard.”

“Shut up, Marcus,” I said, dunking my head in the water. I hated how stuck up he was. 

“The vultures have taken a liking to me,” he said, and I was confused as to why he said that, until it clicked.

I wasn’t thinking as I lunged at him and grabbed his throat.

“YOU SOLD HIM OUT TO THE FUCKING BISHOPS?” I screamed, I only let him go when the whites in his eyes started turning red from lack of oxygen. 

“Had to prove that you’re an incompetent leader,” he rasped, grabbing his throat. “And now I just proved that you’re fucking insane.” 

I punched him, breaking his nose before throwing him against the rocks behind him. He retaliated by getting the salt from the springs in my eyes and shoving me under the water. I was stronger than him though, but he still got a few good punches in as the water was red from our blood. My lip was spilt and gushing blood as well as my nose.

He slammed my head into a rock and I felt my skull crack as blood trickled down my neck, it stung. I had the high ground again and I broke his wrist before slamming him into the rocks again, and again, bashing his head against them until his breathing stopped and I could see bits of his skull in the water. 

I quickly got out of there and got my spare change of clothes on before running east more. 

I threw up at the edge of a forest at the realization of what I just did. I just killed someone. I just killed a fellow Bandito.

I felt sick. I felt like I failed. I killed one of my own.

I killed one of my own.

I used a tree to support myself as I stood back up. I couldn’t go back to camp, not now, not ever.

My head was still gushing blood, and I couldn’t get far as I fell to my knees again, losing consciousness quickly after.

I killed a man.

 

Chapter 10: Torchbearer

When I woke up I was in a tent with a bandage around my head.

No. I can’t be back here. I can’t. I’m not their leader anymore.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!” Jazz shouted, but Neo stopped her. I didn’t even know that they were here.

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t think I could talk, but I somehow still managed to.

“Marcus was a spy for the Bishops, he sold Clancy out to them, I wasn’t thinking,” I mumbled, and Jazz left.

Neo stayed behind though, and handed me something.

“Alexis showed me how to crochet, you were asleep for a week, and I made this,” he said, and I looked at what he placed in my palm. It was a small yellow flower.

“I looked through your notebook for inspiration,” Neo admitted, and I held it tightly.

“Thank you,” I said, before falling back asleep.

When I woke up again the bandage was gone and it was dark out.

I got out of bed and opened my tent up, seeing light coming out of Neo’s tent. It was larger than the others due to our dependence on him for our tech.=

I carefully opened it up and accidentally scared the shit out of him.

“What’re you doing?” I asked, and he motioned over to a notepad on the desk he was sitting at. I picked it up and it was a prototype for something. 

“I might have to build something from the ground up in order to break through their firewall,” he said, sighing. “It’s so fucking strong.”

“Why don’t you get some sleep, think about it in the morning,” I suggested, sitting down in a chair next to his desk, but he shook his head.

“I can’t, I’m so close to turning off their systems and sending in Banditos to get Clancy out.”

I sighed, and he leaned against his hand, staring into a screen. “Wait, he’s doing a gig or some shit for the richer people in a submarine soon.” 

My head shot up, and I looked at what he was looking at. He got into some of their programs, but not a lot. Mainly just classified documents, and that’s where everything related to Clancy was.

“Holy shit,” Neo said, scanning his files. “Look, ‘everyday we give him a mixture of substances to get his mind in the right place to perform, if he says something off script then electroshock will get his brain back in order’ they’re brainwashing him.”

I ran my hands through my hair again and I walked out of Neo’s tent. I couldn’t get air into my lungs. My worst fears came true. If we got him back he wouldn’t look at me the same. He’ll want to hurt me.

I fell to my knees and sobbed, tugging at my hair here and there.

“SAHLO!” I screamed, possibly loud enough for Dema to hear me.

Banditos rushed out of their tents, and I was a mess of sobs and short breaths. 

He wants to kill me

He wants to kill me

He wants to kill me

He wants to kill me

HE’S GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME.

“TORCHBEARER!” Jazz shouted, pulling my hands away from my forehead. I hadn’t even realized that I was doing it again until I felt a tiny trickle of blood flow down my face. 

“Put him back in the med tent and SUPERVISE him!” she said, and Alexis helped me stand up, getting us somewhere quieter where my breathing could finally level out.

“No leaving here,” she said, sitting me down on the cot while she cleaned my forehead, a lot more carefully than Neo did a few weeks ago. “At least we aren’t putting you on suicide watch,” she added, and I gave her a slight nod. One time Clancy had to be put on 24/7 suicide watch for a few months after I found him during a failed attempt. I still wake up screaming from the memory sometimes.

“They’re brainwashing him,” I said, and Alexis looked at me, puzzled. “How do you know?’ 

“Neo got into their file systems and found his file, there’s so many notes on him, so many details on what they’re doing to him,” I replied, lying down on my cot.

I couldn’t consciously go to sleep without seeing Marcus’ body. The blood smeared on the rocks, his skull caved in and the color of crimson staining the water. That metallic smell filling the air along with the sulfur, his skull broken and pieces of it floating by his corpse. My knuckles were raw from the punching and dripping, making the water even darker.

I couldn’t sleep with that in my mind. He should’ve killed me, plucked me by my stem and left me to rot like I was nothing but a weed. I felt like I was nothing but a weed, I was nothing like the yellow carnations that Clancy told me I reminded him of.

For the first time since I was 14 I thought that death might not be as bad.

Chapter 11: Neo

Notes:

NEW PERSPECTIVE? :0
Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated by the way!

I didn’t sleep that night, I was taking notes on Clancy’s file, just in case they caught me in their system, and there was so much details as to what they did to him,

 

Effective forms of getting information:

 

• Electroshock

• Waterboarding

• Isolation

• Drugs

 

 

I wrote everything down. His schedule, the torture methods, the way they were hijacking his brain, and I was able to stay up because Alexis was keeping an eye on Josh. Most times she’d shout at me to go to sleep because the light from my monitor was too bright.

I kept writing, kept scrolling through his documents, kept fidgeting with circuit boards trying to figure out what got me closer to getting into their system fully. 

The thing is, I didn’t know what I would infiltrate their broadcasts with, until it hit me. Pictures of Josh’s notebook.

I got out of my chair and ran to the medical tent, careful to not wake either of them up.

I went over to the small table next to the cot he was in, but when I went to grab his notebook, he touched my hand.

“OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK?” I screamed.

“What the-, Neo!?” Alexis questioned, groggily. “What the fuck are you doing?”

I put his notebook back, and I heard the cot creak behind me. This was a stupid plan.

“What do you need my notebook for?” Josh asked, and I sighed. “I’m getting closer to getting through their firewall, I need something to show Clancy.”

“Why don’t you focus on who’s going to raid that shipment coming in tomorrow?” Alexis asked, and I rolled my eyes. 

“I wanna help J- Torch, get his boyfriend back,” I said, and she rubbed her eyes, sitting up.

“We’ve never even met Clancy, Neo! We need supplies!” She shouted, and I let out a shaky breath. “You think I don’t know that?! I already got that figured out Alexis! If you weren’t always ignoring me then maybe you’d know that! God, ever since we got here you’ve turned into our fucking mother!” 

I paused, watched her facial expression change, and I walked out. Not wanting to face her after that.

I went back to my tent, turned off my computer (I had a battery pack that recharged using solar to power it), and grabbed the knife that I hid under my pillow.

“Neo,” a voice behind me said, and I turned around to see Josh. “Can you drop the knife?”

I shook my head. “I thought I was getting better, but I just let my anger take over again!” 

“You’re a teenager, Neo!” Josh said, trying to reason with me. “You run off impulse!” 

“I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!” I cried, tears threatening to spill.

My grip loosened on the knife, and Josh wrapped his arms around me, catching me before I fell. “I’m here for you, kid, I’m right here.”

I sobbed into his hoodie.

“You’re gonna be okay, Neo, I promise,” Josh whispered. “As your brother I’m gonna be here for you, always.”

“Can you please stay in here with me tonight? I can’t trust myself to be alone.”

I heard him pause for a second, but he agreed.

“Of course, kid.”

Chapter 12: Clancy

Notes:

CONTENT WARNING: Implied rape/non-con. this chapter was difficult for me to write due to having past experiences with this. please read with caution.

It only got worse, Nico had taken a strong liking to me, and that came through threatening to blackmail me.

While the torture the guards put me through was physical, Nico’s was.. worse.

He’d tell me that I was the reason my family was dead. That my youngest sister, Ella, recently died trying to escape, died the same way that Maddy did.

And then he’d seize my body, I never remembered what happened when he did, but the physical damage was still there when I woke up. This was what I deserved for attempting to escape though, for even trying to listen to that part of me that told me that Torch still loved me, well if he still loved me he wouldn’t now.

Not after what Nico has done to me, sometimes I’d still be lucid and it made me want to carve my brain out using just my hands. The memories are so clear due to how recently it started, but he convinced me I wanted it, so I shouldn’t be distraught about it. Anyone else would kill to be in that position.

I slammed my head against the padded wall of my cell, feeling tears spill down my face.

If Josh still loved me he wouldn’t anymore. I was contaminated by Nico. 

Josh didn’t love me anyways though. He wanted to kill me, so he’d hate me even more if he learned about this.

I sat on the ground on my knees, sobbing.

I’d ask Nico for permission to join the glorious gone. I had to. It was the only way to get that feeling of him away. Had to get the feeling of his hands off me.

Josh didn’t love me. If he did he wouldn’t of let this happen.

Chapter 13: Torchbearer

Notes:

Chapter Warnings: Sexual content, drinking, past sexual activity.

Also! Ella is my friend! Say hi Ella in the comments 🔫 this is not an ask this is a demand.

Also I apologize for the wait! I’m currently failing all my classes cause i can’t stop thinking about two dudes from ohio and their dystopian band lore. also those asking if i will update my AJR fic, please, i beg of you, give me time. that fic was written when i was in a very toxic relationship and idk if i can keep working on it for a while, especially since im not longer fixated on AJR. Thank you.

The next morning we had new people show up to the camp. More escapees, which is why we used tents, it was easier to make room for more people.

When I saw them though, they looked familiar, a boy and a girl, no older than 16. 

“Hi, I mainly run things around here, I’m assuming you talked to Alexis as she’s the one who wanted me to introduce myself,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I had just woken up. “What are your names?”

“Ella and Jay Joseph,” the boy said, and I almost passed out after hearing the last name. Josephs. Are these Clancy’s siblings?

“I go by Torch here,” I said, trying to hide the nervousness. Joseph is a common last name, they could be unrelated.

“You’re The Torchbearer, aren’t you?” Ella asked, and I nodded, and she hugged me before handing me a notebook.

“I found this in his room back at our apartment in Dema, letters upon letters addressed to you.”

“It’s a lot,” Jay added, and I nodded, skimming through the pages. I remembered this journal, he’d tell me that he was writing me poems but I couldn’t look until he finished writing one about every memorable moment we spent together, which to him was everything. He must’ve had it on him when Nico took him back a year ago, and it somehow got back to his apartment.

I got Carmen to handle them while I walked back to my tent. When I got there I sat on the edge of my cot and opened up the journal.

 

018 10MOON 6 - Journal Entry Three

He was the first to throw those petals on me, I couldn’t see his face but a part of me still yearns for him. Like our souls were connected, but I’m back behind these walls, yearning for a man I’ve never even met.

He was the last person to leave after Nico caught me.

Falling for a man I never met was something I never thought would happen to me. 

 

I read the countless poems he wrote, and the memories flooded back.

 

“What’re you writing, Clance?” I asked, and he shrugged, giving me a smile. “You don’t get to know until I’m finished with them!”

I laughed, and he set his notebook down before pulling me closer to him by the fire. It was warmer like this, his head on my shoulder, looking up at me like we were simply just out on a camping trip.

I lifted his chin up, and kissed him. He kissed back almost immediately. His lips soft with the taste of what he had for dinner with the added hint of moss and rose petals. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer as I cupped his face, and he was practically straddling me.

He was perfect. So perfect, everything about him was perfect.

“Clancy,” I breathed, pulling away from our makeout session. “Maybe we should move this to our tent.”

He kissed my neck after I said that. “Yeah, we probably should,” he said, giving me a smile. 

“WHOEVER GETS THERE FIRST IS TOPPING!” he shouted, and it took me a few moments to process that before I sprinted, but he was faster than me, he always was.

“You’re a dick,” I mumbled, closing up our tent. 

“You love me,” he giggled, and I kissed him. 

“Maybe I’ll have to prove that I do.”

 

I was snapped back to reality by Neo and Jay entering my tent.

Good to see that Neo was making friends. “What do you two want?” I asked, and Neo shrugged. “Jay knows a lot about the city, more than me actually.”

“I’m not surprised. He’s Clancy’s younger brother.”

“Well yeah, but you gotta hear about what he knows!”

“Can you tell me about all this later? I need some alone time,” I asked, and they both nodded, closing my tent behind them.

I laid down on my cot and took a deep breath.

That last intimate moment I had with Clancy was running through my mind. Every little detail, every noise that he made, every noise I made. The way his nails dug into my back and the way he could only tell me how much he loved me through shaky breaths and moans.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, fuck, I love you.”

I didn’t even realize that my body betrayed me until I was brought back to reality. I didn’t only mentally miss him, I physically missed him too. I remember the night he was taken too, spent that entire day riling me up, only to be taken when he was left alone with Marcus while I went into my tent to get my jacket.

Marcus. His name even left a vile taste in my mouth. He was the reason Clancy was taken.

“I left to get a bottle of water and he was gone!” Marcus said, and I stared into the bonfire.

I didn’t take his reasoning into consideration then, I was too out of it from the dozens of emotions running through my head. His reasoning didn’t make sense, and I might’ve had Clancy back if I figured it out sooner instead of killing Marcus in that hot spring when he let it slip himself.

I got that image out of my head and went back to thinking about Clancy. The way he looked, the way he looked at me, the way he was always there for me, everything about him.

My left hand covered my mouth while my right hand undid the tie on my pants, of course these memories come up at the worst possible times.

“Josh, fuck.”

I started moving my hand up and down, muttering his name under my breath. How I wished he was the one doing this to me right now.

My left hand moved back to my side as I kicked off my pants and my boxers, I didn’t care who heard me anymore.

“Fuck Clancy, fuck, you feel so good.”

“Ha, I could— I could say the same— Oh fuck.”

“Clancy,” I whispered, almost like a prayer. My hand moved faster and I let out more soft, breathy, moans.

Maybe getting off to memories was weird, but it was the best I could do. I wished he was on me right now, riding me like his life depended on it, but that would sadly have to wait.

I finished with a muffled moan as I bit my free hand.

I took a deep breath as I let myself sink back into my pillow. I needed to clean myself up.

After I did that I laid in bed for a few hours, drifting in and out of sleep.

At some point I got hungry, so I exited my tent. It was already close to evening, so I went to get one of the premade meals we got from the supply crates outside the city.

I entered the supply tent, which was right next to our larger one for when campfire meals couldn’t happen, and dug through a box until I found an MRE ration I actually liked. It was something with chicken, or at least it said chicken on the packaging, who knew if it was actually chicken.

I had water in my tent already, but my eyes caught something else.

The damn moonshine that Eliot and Hilt, two other banditos, make. It was an acquired taste for sure, I had absolutely no idea what was in it, but the burning sensation from how strong it is was all I really wanted tonight.

I hadn’t drunk since Clancy disappeared. That night I got wasted, almost blackout drunk, hell if Aria didn’t take the bottle away from me I probably would’ve succumbed to alcohol poisoning.

I took the bottle and headed back to my tent, where I shoved it under my cot.

I’d wait until later tonight. 

I ate my food in silence, eyes darting over to the notebook I was given, and I picked it up again, skimming through the pages, until something that looked like a letter caught my eye.

Torch,

This is stupid, writing you a letter about something I could just tell you in person, but in all honesty I’m scared to. Last night you helped me feel alive for the first time in a while, getting that close to you, made me forget that you were once the one who kept his eyes on me when Nico captured me. It made me feel like I’ve known you my whole life. What are we, Joshua? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends? Personally I’d love to call myself your boyfriend.

Yours, always, 

Clancy

I drank the whole bottle that night, and I didn’t care about the effect it would have on me in the morning.

The burning in my throat was all I needed while “What are we, Joshua?” ran through my mind with no sign of stopping.

Chapter 14: Jazz

Notes:

Wattpad definitely didn't get this chapter 2 days early cause the proxy I use on my school chromebook isn't good enough to access ao3.

ANYWAYS enjoy :) Jazz is also another friend of mine. Say hi in the comments!

I should’ve seen that something was wrong with Torch sooner, and if it wasn’t for the fact that he reeked of the shit that Eliot and Hilt made when I passed by him that morning getting my food rations I probably would’ve waited longer.

“Torch,” I said, and he looked at me, I could tell he was still out of it.

“Hm?” he asked, his words slightly slurred. How the hell was he still alive?

“We need to talk,” I replied, and he nodded, so we walked over to a more secluded area.

“Joshua William Dun, what the FUCK were you thinking?!” I screamed. Torch always had his issues with alcohol, I just never thought he’d go back to it. 

“Can a guy not drink from time to time?” he snapped, and I stepped back. “I’m not saying that I just-”

 “CLANCY HAS BEEN TRAPPED IN THAT CITY FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS NOW, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO DO SHIT BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE HERE THINKS HE’S A FUCKING TRAITOR!”

“Torch,” I stared, but he was genuinely starting to scare me.

“Go away, Jazz,” he said, and I walked away without hesitation. Talking to Torch while he was intoxicated probably wasn’t the best idea anyways, especially since he was keeping his emotions to himself.

I headed back to my tent, and opened up my bag full of bandito propaganda supplies. Yellow tape and markers.

I also grabbed my crossbow from when Alexis and I would go hunting together. This was a risky move on my part, but I needed to do something. 

I packed a bag with arrows, tape, a red marker, a map of Trench, and some string. 

I then ran west, towards the city. I was a fucking Bandito, I was in Torch’s inner circle. I had to actually help.

It was dark when I got to the walls, but the pale light from the moon was enough for me to still see.

I tied the piece of paper to my arrow, securing it with tape, and I shot.

I watched it go over the wall, probably fell in Necropolis, but my note still made it inside that depressing excuse of a city. 

WE HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU. SCREAM SAHLO. WE AWAIT YOUR RETURN.

EAST IS UP.

SU LORTNOC TNOD AMED.

Chapter 15: Torchbearer

Notes:

this chapter is heavily inspired by hunger games mockingjay and the fanfic canary in the coal mine. hope you guys enjoy :)

We finally got through their firewall, well Neo did, and he told me when I had fully sobered up.

He had used my drawings of Clancy and my letters as a way to get his attention, but still needed someone to voice them over.

I took that opportunity immediately. I wasn’t even thinking, I just wanted my boy back.

Neo mic’d me up, and I began reading.

“018 10MOON 20 -

His hair is soft, almost like the moss that lines the cliffs of Trench. His smile is warm and could replace our sun with the warmth it brings me.

We danced last night, bathed in moonlight while the rest of the world was asleep. The smile he had, the way he fit so perfectly in my arms, the way he kissed me, the way I kissed him.

I’d be stupid if I said I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, staring into his amber eyes, eyes full of love.

I’ve never felt more alive, for he was the sun that allowed me to bloom.”

Neo muted my mic, and I sighed.

“It’s always embarrassing, reading your own writing,” I said, before adding: “how many do you want me to read?”

“At least four,” he replied, and I nodded, flipping the pages to a more recent one before I was unmuted again.

“021 11MOON 25 -

I miss how I would fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, holding him against my chest, our hearts in sync. I want to tear Dema apart brick by brick with my bare hands. I need to get Clancy out of there. I want to hold him in my arms again and tell him how much I love him. I want to bring him to the river again. I want to savor those moments that are just between us again.”

I flipped through the pages. I knew they were brainwashing him, so I was smart enough to know that I had to put some of his own writings into this.

“This is from Clancy’s journal,” I said, taking out pages that I had taken from his. His journal was similar to mine, they both had the ability to take out pages when needed.

I read both Journal Entry Three and the letter he never got to me. We both had a habit of writing letters to nobody. Letters waiting to be sent but never going beyond the horizon of a closed book. Words of endearment never to be read by the other.

After that was done I watched Neo work his magic, clipping things together, but after I saw the finished product I didn’t like it.

“It looks like those slideshows they play on the screens at the Annual Assemblage for the Glorious Gone,” Alexis said, scaring me half to death, where the hell did she even come from?

“I don’t want to talk to you, Alexis,” Neo said, and I gave her a sympathetic look. Neo still isn’t ready to talk about what happened last week. 

“What if I drum instead, or sing? Clancy wrote a lot of songs for me before he was taken,” I suggested, and Neo nodded.

“Singing would work, do you have a song in mind?” Neo asked, and I nodded. “I do.”

~~

“Alright, Torch, whenever you’re ready,” Neo said, pointing a camera at me, and I sighed. 

I opened his notebook and flipped to the page I was looking for.

Leave the City.

I signaled to Neo to start recording.

“I’m tired of tending to this fire, I’ve used up all I’ve collected, I have singed my hands. It’s glowing, embers barely showing, proof of life in the shadows, dancing on my plans.”

I sighed, but I kept going.

“They know that it’s almost, they know that it’s almost over--”

“The burning is so low it’s concerning, ‘cause they know when it goes out, it’s a glorious gone. It’s only time before they show me, why no one ever comes back with details from beyond.”

I took another deep breath. I knew I couldn’t do Clancy’s vocals justice, but if I had to turn myself into propaganda for him I’d do it.

“In time I will leave the city, for now I will stay alive. They know that it’s almost over.”

“Last year I needed change of pace couldn’t take the pace of change, moving hastily. But this year, though I’m far from home, in Trench I’m not alone, these faces facing me…”

“They know what I mean.”

Neo cut the camera, and I had to wipe my tears from my eyes. That was the first song he ever sang to me, but now I was singing it to him, almost as a plea or a reminder. A reminder to come back home to me. 

“We’ll interrupt their next broadcast with that,” he said, and I nodded. “When is that?”

“Tonight, prepare everyone for the worst.”

I nodded again. 

~~

It was raining that night, so we all gathered into our dining hall tent, packed together but still able to breathe.

My eyes looked up at the screen, and I saw him again, he looked worse.

Sunken, bloodshot eyes, smear markings on his neck. 

“So, Clancy, I’m assuming you heard about the riots that broke out in Reisdros district,” someone out of frame of the camera said, and that shocked me to my core. There were riots happening in the city?

Clancy nodded. 

“I think we need to--”

He was cut off by my singing, but Neo had layered the letters overtop, and when he came back onto the screen he was staring into the camera.

“Torch?” He whispered, so low that I could barely hear it. “Torchbearer are you there?”

I stood up and made my way over to that damn TV. 

“In Trench I’m not alone,” echoed through the tent, and everyone else was silent.

He regained his composure, but I saw the pain in his eyes.

“No one is safe, not in the city, not out there in Trench,” he started, before staring directly into the camera.

“They know where you are. RUN, JOSHUA! I CAN’T LOSE YOU AGAIN--” he was dragged out of view of the camera and the screen went to black.

The screen went to black.

I stared at my reflection until I got myself together.

I projected myself outside the tent, with the only goal to get everyone out of here.

If the bishops were coming we had to run fast.

“NEO!” I screamed, running towards his tent. 

“I GOT HIM, GET OUT HERE!” Jazz shouted, handing me her crossbow and a quiver of arrows. I needed to get my bag.

I ran to my tent, grabbing both Clancy’s jacket and his notebook before grabbing mine and shoving them in my bag as well as a map.

I connected the quiver to a strap on my bag and bolted.

Clancy risked his life to save mine.

My only prayer was that he was still breathing by tomorrow.

I followed the rest of the banditos into a wooded area. My projection was guiding them, where? I had no idea.

“NEO, RUN!” I heard Jazz shout, but then a deafening sound of a crossbow being shot filled the air.

“SAHLO FOLINA!” Jazz exclaimed, and I bolted, almost throwing up at the sight.

There was an arrow deep in Neo’s thigh, and Jazz was barely breathing with one in her stomach.

“Leave me, Josh,” Jazz rasped as I picked up Neo.

“I can’t-” I started, but the sound of horse hooves came closer. I wouldn’t be able to save both of them if I tried.

“We are banditos,” she said, “we fight until the end? Yeah?”

I nodded. I had to get Neo to safety.

“We’ll have a bonfire in your honor, when it’s safe to do so.”

“Thank you.”

I ran, knowing I’d think about that for the rest of my life.

I would never forgive myself.

Chapter 16: Clancy

I was shoved into a pitch black room, but this time all I could feel was concrete.

I couldn’t recall the last time I was fed something sustainable, I was mainly just given stale bread. I was only given actual food now if my writing was good enough.

But this night was different. They injected me with some sort of drug that made it impossible for me to sleep.

However, being forced to stay awake in this concrete room was better than being sedated in Nico’s tower.

I saved my Torchbearer though, I don’t know why I did, but I did it.

Maybe because I wanted to kill him myself, and not let the bishops do it for me.

That made the most sense in my mind.

Chapter 17: Torchbearer

It was difficult to see where we were going in the rain.

Neo was hurt so badly that I had to tie his bandana around his mouth to keep his screams muffled. I hadn’t dared to remove the arrow, so I used my bandana and a stick to make a tourniquet. Luckily I was trained in making these, so we didn’t have to worry about him losing his leg.

“Will he be okay?” Alexis asked, and I nodded. “He should be, I know there’s a clearing up here, we can camp there for the night and treat his wound.”

We made it to the clearing and I set Neo down on the grass, ripping the area of his pants where the arrow penetrated. “Shit,” I mumbled, it was worse than I thought.

It was swelling, which didn’t surprise me, but I also saw scabbing around the arrow, which made me worry that it was infected already.

I took out a small bottle of rubbing alcohol, and Alexis let me borrow her bandana. 

“You’re going to be okay,” Alexis mumbled, running her hands through her brother’s hair.  

I started cleaning around the arrow, and he gripped at the dirt from the pain.

“I know kid, I know, but you’re going to be okay, it’s going to be okay,” I said, not sure if I was reassuring him or myself.

I couldn’t lose any more family.

“We’re going to have to take the arrow out, Alexis, can you get Aria?” I asked, and she nodded.

“Am I gonna die?” Neo asked, even though it was muffled. I shook my head. “No, I’m not gonna let that happen.”

When Alexis came back with Aria, Jay was with her.

“I brought him for emotional support, he’s going to need it,” Aria explained, and I nodded.

Aria handed me her medical stash, which was a lot better than mine. 

“Keep him steady, and I advise one of you to grab his hand,” I said, getting the gauze ready to pack it into the wound.

Jay was the one that went for it. “You’re gonna be okay, dude.” 

I sighed, making another tourniquet using Aria’s bandana and I secured it around his upper thigh to hopefully make this less gorey.

“On three?” I asked Neo, and he nodded. “On three.”

“One.”

“Two.”

Once the tourniquet was secured I gripped the arrow right below the feathers, and pulled.

“Three.”

Alexis had to cover her brother’s mouth to stop the screaming, because even with the bandana tied around his mouth it was still loud.

I packed in the gauze, and luckily the tourniquets stopped any life-threatening bleeding from occurring, but there was still blood.

I put pressure on it as I wrapped it up, trying to keep my emotions steady. He was still alive. My little brother was still alive.

Once I secured the bandage with tape I took a deep breath, and Alexis undid the bandana around his mouth.

“I’m going to take off the tourniquets, and I need you guys to get him somewhere safe,” I said, undoing the makeshift tourniquets, hoping he’ll still be alive in the morning. 

I saw that other banditos were tying tarps to thick tree branches to shield from the rain. That would have to do.

~~

I couldn’t sleep that night as I stared up at the stars.

“That’s an archer,” Clancy said, tracing out a shape with his finger pointed towards the sky. “Easiest constellation to see due to the three stars in a line.”

“You sure know a lot of constellations, Clance,” I giggled, moving closer to him on the grass.

“And none are prettier than you,” he said, and I laid my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“You have to let me go, Josh.”

“What?”

“You have to let me go.”

I woke up gasping for air.

“You have to let me go.”

Chapter 18: Neo

Notes:

i write all these on my school issued chromebook so the chapters seem bigger than they actually are im so sorry about this fic having such short chapters.

When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that my leg didn’t hurt as badly as yesterday, and that I was under a tarp that was tied to the trees above me.

I went to sit up, but I was pushed back down.

“Not so fast,” a voice next to me said, and I looked to my right, it was Jay, and he had his hand on my chest. “Torch told me to make sure you don’t try to walk.”

“I need to get my bandages changed,” I replied, and he shook his head. “Aria gave me an extensive first aid run-down, and she told me to change them out every few days.”

“Are you my doctor now, Jay?” I laughed, and he gave me a smile. “Maybe I am.”

He moved his hand off of my chest, and I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding in. 

“Do you want anything to eat?” He asked, searching his bag. “I think I grabbed some rations during the evacuation.”

“I’m not eating your food,” I said, but he shook his head. “You need it more than I do, besides, you can’t walk.”

He handed me a package, a basic MRE ration. 

I sat up, wincing at the pain that shot through my leg.

Something about Jay was different, he was considerate, he was even willing to give up his rations for me.

I’ve never felt this close to someone before. I couldn’t even describe the feeling. Was this feeling more than platonic?

I always thought that I couldn’t feel romantic love, people at school would tell me about their crushes, but I never had any. How could I love someone I had never even met?

Jay was different though, we became inseparable the moment we met, even though that was only a few days ago. There had to be another logical reason for this.

I opened up the MRE package and ate the half decent rations before drinking water to help it go down.

“The ones with beef in them always taste like dirt,” I mumbled, even after almost 2 years of eating food rations like this I still hated the taste, but food was food, and we couldn’t waste it. 

“I guess I like dirt then,” Jay said, smiling, and I gave him the rest.

“Dude, you need it more than me,” he said, but I shook my head, handing him the fork.

It felt strangely intimate, and I think he felt the same way. He ate some of the food I had left and also washed it down with water.

My hand subconsciously reached up, cupping his face while my thumb rubbed against a cut on his cheek.

“What happened?” I asked, and he shrugged. “Just the chaos from yesterday, I’m okay.”

I pulled my hand away. 

“Sorry,” I mumbled, and he shook his head. “Don’t apologize, I don’t mind.” 

Maybe this feeling was just from the fact we both have a shared traumatic experience, but he also watched me get an arrow ripped out of my thigh while he held my hand, all voluntarily.

“Can you help me get out of here? I need to talk to Torch,” I asked, and Jay nodded, helping me stand.

Maybe everything would end up alright.

Chapter 19: Torchbearer

I audibly sighed when I saw Neo and Jay walking, or in Neo’s case, limping, towards me.

I couldn’t go back to sleep after that nightmare, so I decided to try to get some things situated, but right now I was sitting by a tree with my radio, listening to the one music station in all of Dema that mainly just shuffled Clancy’s music while also playing instrumental pieces here and there.

“What are you doing?” I asked, as the two got closer. I knew something was going on between them. They had become extremely close in the past few days.

“I need crutches,” Neo mumbled, having a death grip on Jay’s shoulder.

“How’s your leg feeling?” I asked, and he shot a glare at me. “I got impaled with a fucking arrow, Joshua.”

I put my hands up like I was surrendering, it was a stupid question now that I actually think about it. Maybe the sleep deprivation was getting to me.

“In all seriousness though it fucking hurts,” he said, and I motioned for him to take a seat on the grass.

“We’re supposed to change your bandages out every day, but because of our predicament we’re going to have to do it every other day,” I said, unwrapping the bandage around his thigh. 

“I told you!” Neo said, looking up at Jay, who sighed. “I’m never believing a word Aria says again.”

“She is right, as it heals it’ll take less and less—” I cut myself off as the smell of what I could only describe as rotting flesh entered the air.

Fuck. It was infected.

I grabbed my water bottle and wet my hands before taking the packed gauze out. I didn’t even notice how much pus there was at first, but it was enough to make Jay gag. I’d dealt with infections like this before, so I had built up a tolerance to this kind of stuff.

I rinsed the outside of the wound with water before cleaning out the inside again, which caused Jay to put his hands over Neo’s mouth to stifle his scream.

I decided to ditch packing it. I just needed to clean it and rewrap it and hope that the infection dies down.

I wrapped it back up before securing it with tape. 

“Did you lick my hand?” Jay asked, yanking his hand away, and Neo nodded. “Dude, that's gross!”

I hoped that Neo’s immune system would fight off the infection, and I also hoped that the mutual pining between those two would subside soon. 

“Hey, Jay?” I asked, and he looked at me while helping Neo stand up. “Once you get him back under your tarp can I talk to you?”

He nodded before turning his attention back to Neo. “I got you,” he said, wrapping his arm around Neo’s shoulder while the other gripped Jay’s.

“You’re going to be okay.”

Once Neo was back under their tree Jay came running towards me.

“What do you wanna talk about?” he asked, sitting down, and I turned my radio down. “What do you know about the city?”

He paused before taking a deep breath. “There’s secret doors between district walls, I’ve used them to sneak out to the Necropolis gardens,” he said, and I nodded. “That isn’t what you dragged me back here for, is it?”

I paused, before finally deciding that I needed to tell Jay this.

“There’s always a chance that Neo’s body can’t handle the healing process due to how deep that wound runs, especially with that infection,” I said, and he looked at me like I knew what he was thinking.

“Is he going to die?” he asked, his voice breaking. He sounded so much like his oldest brother that my heart felt like it had shattered.

“I don’t know, if his leg gets worse it’s always a possibility.”

I couldn’t figure out what was going through his mind, and usually I was good at reading people. “Jay?” I asked, and he looked up. “What’re you thinking about?”

“I’m just preparing for the worst,” he replied, and I nodded. I was doing the same thing.

“Keep an eye on him, also can you tell Eliot and Brikka to get a fire started? We’re safe as of right now,” I said, and he nodded. “I’m going to go hunting.”

I needed to take my mind off of things, and getting my people food could distract me.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Clancy, and the fact that he could be dead because of me. I put my people and my lover at risk. He was being tortured because of me, being brainwashed to hate me. He wants to kill me.

If I ever saw him again he’d kill me, and I might just let him.

I’d rather die to hands that once loved rather than to hands that only knew hatred.

Chapter 20: Clancy

Notes:

The calm before the storm.

I was taken outside, told only that I was performing for the richer citizens, the ones who could bribe the bishops into seeing the outside, in a submarine. Even with all the drugs in my system I still held a hatred for the ones with generational wealth. Dema’s economy was good, people can run their own businesses, but some have been around ever since I was born. If Dema was really as old as they say it is then that money can add up, especially since housing is free in the districts. 

Those with money are also devout vialists, but they get to avoid their journey to paradise for longer. 

Getting fresh air for the first time in almost two years was a different experience, especially since the first snow of the winter was here. At least I was given warmer clothes, they didn’t want me freezing to death.

The sun hit my skin, giving me warmth I’ve been deprived of, while I was waiting at a dock.

Nico had his hand on my shoulder, keeping me in place. I didn’t like the fact that he was so close, especially because of what happened in his tower a few days ago. Maybe it was to remind me that I really had no free will. I was under his control.

I was transported onto a boat after a few minutes of waiting, still with Nico being so unnervingly close to me. I could feel his breath on my neck.

Everything in me was telling me to run, until he finally let go of me.

We were nearing the sub, and Ventomo gave me a setlist.

Saturday

Good Day

Tear In My Heart

Ride

Chlorine

Stressed Out

Mulberry Street

Level of Concern

Fairly Local

House of Gold

Holding on to You

Polarize

Trees

Easy enough. 

I was led into the submarine and began setting up. I had 4 hours before the gig would even start, so I had to find something to do.

I sat on the “stage” which was right in front of a giant window, watching the fish swim by while I did vocal warmups. I felt the fire again and smelt pine. After a while I had gotten used to it, slowly becoming something that brought me comfort.

~~

After those 4 hours were up people started making their way into the submarine, and that’s when I was given the cue to start singing. 

I was about halfway through Saturday when I saw something behind me, but it was quick, so I told myself that I was just imagining things.

Until I watched it slam into the glass, a dragon, and those yellow eyes showing that it was seized. Keons.

The cord to my microphone wrapped around my ankle at the impact, and water was quickly filling the sub.

People around me were screaming but the water was already above my head by the time that I got the cord off.

I hoped that death would be peaceful as I felt my lungs start to burn. The light of the surface was just out of reach.

I wanted to wait for the bishops to get me, to bring me back to safety, but as my vision went dark and my lungs screamed for air I knew that it was pointless.

I lived to serve them, and served them I did.

Chapter 21: Torchbearer

My projection finally found Clancy, and I had to be convinced to not guide him back. 

“He’s going to want to kill you!” Aria told me, and I sighed. She was right.

“He has the same power as the bishops,” I said, and Aria looked at me. “I watched it from a distance, he was given antlers from this creature, and that’s how that fire in Dema started. Who he seized? I don’t know.”

“We’ll send people out to get him,” she said, standing up, but I grabbed her wrist.

“Please let me guide him back,” I practically begged. I hadn’t seen him in so long.

“Torch you aren’t in any state to do that, he’s going to want to kill you, I’ve read those files,” she replied, yanking her hand away. 

I sighed, letting her walk away. 

I couldn’t get away with guiding him back even if I wanted to, my eyes turn a golden color and my pupils shrink, but that’s only when I’m actively guiding. If I have my projection out for practicing my control or I’m splitting my attention then my eyes will remain their normal brown.

I sighed as I took out my notebook to make another entry.

 

021 11MOON 31

Last day of the 11th moon cycle. Clancy’s now free.

I don’t know how, and I’m not sure if I want to know. He risked his life to warn me about a raid, and now we’re out in the middle of Trench. Neo’s dealing with a nasty infection from an arrow wound, Aria isn’t letting me guide Clancy back, and nothing besides Neo’s flash drives and tracking information was salvageable when Alexis and Eliot went back to our original camp the other day.

At least my little brother has something to keep him occupied now. He’s missed his gadgets and notepads.

This grove we’re staying in is slowly starting to look like camp again. We’ve gotten tents made, which is definitely a step up from sleeping under tarps. 

I miss him. I know he’s a danger to me now, but I miss him. 

I might guide him back anyways. I don’t want to watch from a distance anymore.

Aria can deal with it.

 

I sighed, closing my notebook before closing my eyes.

I was back on Voldsøy, sitting behind a rock. 

I stood up, letting my instincts guide me to Clancy. I couldn’t stay away from him any longer, but my visit was short lived as my physical body was pushed, causing my concentration to break.

“I leave for FIVE MINUTES and you’re back on that island,” Aria said, rubbing her eyes. “Let us handle this, Torch.”

“He’s my boyfriend!” I snapped. “I haven’t seen him for almost two years and you want me to wait even longer now that he’s free?!”

“It’s the safest option!” Aria shot back, and I stood up. “MY PROJECTION CAN’T BE HURT!”

“CLANCY DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR ABILITY!”

I paused. She was right. He didn’t. I never had the time to tell him about it.

Maybe I should just let them handle it.

Chapter 22: Clancy

Notes:

i’m sorry for the short chapters. just trying to get out of writers block by getting to the happy bits.

I never stopped smelling pine, and it only got stronger when that Ned gave me their antlers. 

I still wasn’t sure what was going on in my mind. I still wanted to kill Torchbearer, that’s the only thing I really could decipher. He was the issue. He brainwashed me.

That’s what Nico always told me. The Torchbearer was dangerous. 

I wandered this island, and if I remembered the maps correctly it was called Voldsøy. 

When I seized Keons it was like something compelled me to start a fire in the towers, I didn’t really know what, but I knew that I would never. I didn’t even want to be back out here for the most part, but the smell of pine and smoke was luring me to stay. I tried to fight it, but it was like my heart and my brain were at war with each other.

Torch never loved me. He let everything happen. He was the reason I was tortured.

Yet I still let the pine needles guide me.

I heard a twig snap behind me, and I jerked my head back, only to see someone I didn’t recognize, yet the yellow tape on their shoulders gave away what they were. Banditos.

Suddenly a pair of hands wrapped around my mouth, pressing something sweet-scented to my nose. A sedative. 

I tried to fight back, but it was no use as I fell unconscious. My brain was screaming at me for being so stupid.

I just hoped that when I woke up I wouldn’t be hurt.

Chapter 23: Torchbearer

It was nighttime when they brought Clancy back home, he was unconscious and I didn’t know when he would wake up, and Aria was firm when she told me that I couldn’t see him until he woke up.

So instead of sleeping to pass the time, I hung out with Neo and Jay, probably the only cool people in this entire camp.

“I have cards,” Jay said, taking a beat up deck of cards out of his bag. “What do you guys wanna play?”

“Go Fish?” Neo asked, and we all agreed. His leg was slowly getting better, I luckily got the infection under control before it could spread to his bloodstream, and we were finally at a point where we could stitch the wound up.

“Do you have an ace of spades?” Jay asked, and I shook my head. “Go fish.”

He drew a card, before sighing, which made Neo and I laugh.

“I keep getting shit cards,” Jay grumbled, and Neo gave him a smile. “Do you have an ace of spades?” 

“Oh fuck you!” Jay laughed, handing Neo his spades. 

Seeing those two smile made me realize that hopefully everything would be okay.

“Nuh uh!” Neo replied, laughing. “I’m not into that!”

I giggled at that before realizing it was my turn.

“Neo, do you have a, hm, a four of clubs?” I asked, and he nodded, handing me the card.

“YES, three matches so far!” 

“It’s cause, you’re what, 26?” Jay asked, obviously in a joking manner. “You’ve had more time to play go fish.”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been doing all 26 years I’ve been alive, training to beat two sixteen year olds in go fish.” 

Jay couldn’t contain his laughter, and once he started suddenly we couldn’t stop.

“He played in the Dema ranks,” Neo laughed, which caused me to try to actually get air into my lungs, only to fail.

“The- The Dema Go Fish ranks?” Jay wheezed. “Whoever loses has to commit to Vialsim,” Neo added, and I couldn’t catch my breath from how hard I was laughing. 

“Holy shit,” I breathed, wiping my eyes. I knew that that would become a running joke between us.

Neo had a smile on his face, but it was more of an ominous one. “I guess my parents weren’t good at go fish.”

I covered my mouth with my hand to stop myself from laughing while I hit the floor of the tent. Jay didn’t contain his laughter though.

“Oh my god, that was, I feel bad for laughing,” I said, and Neo just shrugged.

“Dude!” Jay, more of so coughed, “that’s fucking vile!”

“Do you have a 3 of spades?” Neo asked, and Jay was at a loss for words.

“You can’t just say that and move on! Besides, it's not even your turn! ” He laughed, and Neo shrugged, giving Jay the chance to play his turn.

“Uhhhh, Josh, I can call you that right?” Jay asked, and I nodded. “Okay, uhm, do you have a queen of hearts?”

I shook my head. “Go fish, kid.”

He drew a card when suddenly the tent unzipped.

I looked up to see Alexis and Aria.

“Can we talk, Torch?” Aria asked, and I nodded, setting my cards down. 

“You two better wait, we’re finishing this round,” I said to Jay and Neo before leaving the tent.

“He’s awake,” Alexis said, and I could’ve sworn that I felt my heart stop. 

“Can I see him?” I asked, and Aria nodded.

I was led over to where he was being kept, my feet silent against the grass. 

We made our medical tent bigger here, with seperate rooms for more people.

Alexis unzipped the area that he was in, before letting me inside.

His back was turned to me as Brikka and Wendt did their checkups on him.

I moved into his line of sight, his eyes didn’t leave mine, but there was something in them that I couldn’t read.

“Clancy,” I breathed, and before I could even think he lunged at me, his hands wrapping around my neck as he practically tackled me into the ground.

My brain was screaming, my vision was cloudy, and any efforts to pull him off me were futile.

Until I saw Wendt hit him in the back of the head with a chair, and I passed out soon after I took a breath.

~

When I woke up I had thick bandages around my neck as well as a makeshift brace. My first instinct was to try to get it off of me.

“Hey, you’re dealing with a lot of swelling in your vocal cords,” Brikka said, and I looked at her, fear still apparent in my eyes.

“Clan-” I rasped, and she nodded her head. “Don’t try to talk, he's okay, don’t worry.”

“We just had to get him off you,” Wendt said, and I didn’t even realize that they were in here.

I nodded, and I pointed to a notepad on a cart across from where the cot I was on was, and Wendt handed it to me as well as a pen.

did neo and jay stick to their word about not continuing the go fish game?

Wendt laughed, and I gave them a small smile before I wrote something that I actually needed to know the answer to.

What did they do to him?

“It's complicated,” Brikka started, “Tari and Preston are looking through his files using Neo’s flash drives and the one computer that wasn’t burnt in the raid.”

I pointed at it again. I needed to know.

“You aren’t in the state to know,” Wendt said, and I decided to wait just this once.

“Try to get some sleep, we can sedate you if you would like,” Brikka suggested, and I nodded, motioning that I wanted the sedative. It was better than nightmares.

I felt a needle being inserted into my right arm. I forgot they raided a med cargo recently.

 

I fell asleep a few minutes later.

Notes:

i'm gonna go play minecraft storymode now.

Chapter 24: Preston

Neo taught me how to dig deeper into Dema’s files, and the things Tari and I found were traumatizing.

“Fucking hell,” I mumbled, pressing the side of my palm to my eyes. “This is, this is, I don’t even have a word for it.”

“We can’t show Torch this,” she said, “it’ll crush him.”

“Torch is the one person we have to tell about this, the seizing, the smearing, the torture,” I started, “he needs to know.”

Pages of information on what was being done to him in that city, details so graphic that I couldn’t even think about it without throwing up.

“Do you wanna try to go get some air?” Tari asked, and I nodded. Maybe all I needed was a break. 

I got up from my chair before walking out of the tent with Tari. It was getting colder, meaning the first snowfall out here should be happening soon. The cold front always started out west and slowly moved east in the winter. 

I looked over at Tari and I noticed that her hands were shaking. 

I stepped closer to her, before taking her hand. “You’re okay,” I said, and she gave me a small nod. 

“Tari,” I started, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. “You’re okay.”

She brought me into a hug, and I kissed the top of her head.

Chapter 25: Torchbearer

Notes:

WARNING: chapter contains implied past rape and wording that can be seen as graphic. please read with caution and reread the tags!

When I woke up the only light was a battery powered lamp on the table next to me.

“Oh good! You’re awake!” Brikka said, and I didn’t even notice that she was there. “We’re going to take the brace and the bandages off today and start slowly working on your voice.”

I nodded as she began taking everything off of my neck. 

“Alright, I want you to say your full name, what bishop’s district you came from, and where you are now.”

She placed her hand gently to my neck, I flinched slightly at the pain, but she reassured me that I was okay.

When I opened my mouth to speak however it came out as a squeak. 

“Don’t force it, start out slow,” she said, comfortingly, before giving me what she wanted me to say. “My name is Joshua Dun, I am from Nills’ district, I am in Trench.”

“My,” I started, my voice raspy and my throat itchy. “Name is Joshua Dun.” 

I said it one word at a time, my throat protesting from the uncomfortable feeling. 

“My name is Joshua Dun,” I put together as Brikka was still lightly pressing onto my vocal cords. I cleared my throat, watching as Wendt walked in. “I want to see him.”

“Afraid we can’t let you do that, Torch,” Wendt said, sighing. “We’re going to need to reteach him a lot of things.”

“Give him his notebook, it could help,” I rasped out, and Brikka told me that I needed to keep resting my voice. I didn’t want to listen to her.

“We have another idea in mind,” Wendt said, and I nodded.

“Listen, let’s get him some food, and I have a list of people who we need to check up on,” Brikka said, taking Wendt out of the room.

I looked over to the table next to the cot I was on, noticing my journal as well as my pencil.

It wouldn’t hurt to draw for a bit. 

I sketched out the base before beginning on the finer details. One of the first memories I experienced with Clancy after we got him out of that city. At the mouth of the river located northbound is a waterfall, and it’s deep enough to actually soak in. While the primary fishing spots are shallower, only really going up to the knees. 

Clancy wanted to wash up, so I took him to the waterfall as it was the middle of summer. While the hot springs are closer, summer isn’t the best time to go into them. We’ve had banditos boil alive in them so they’re only allowed to be used in the winter.

“I don’t care if you look,” Clancy said, taking his shirt off. “We’re just showering.”

I didn’t admit to it then, but my cheeks were bright red. “I know, it’s just-” I started, and Clancy laughed. “Haven’t you showered with other guys before?” 

I nodded. It wasn’t uncommon for Banditos to share a waterfall, but I had also never felt this close with another person before. 

I followed him into the river after I had stripped. I’d done this thousands of times, so why was I freaking out now?

Maybe just because of how hot he looked? The tattoos on his arms signifying where he came from in Dema. The way he looked so good with a buzz cut. The way the waterfall hit him. He was hot.

I waded next to him, the water was up to our waists. 

“Can you get my back?” he asked, handing me a bar of soap. 

“Yeah, yeah I can,” I breathed, trying to push down the thoughts I was having about him.

I think that’s the time I fell in love with him. The color of his eyes, his smile, the way he teased me for being so flustered. The way he wasn’t scared to ask me questions about the Banditos, the way he didn’t question the burn scars I have on my back.

I drew him under that waterfall, added so much detail it almost looked real.

Suddenly I heard the sound of a zipper and Brikka entered the tent with a tray of food.

“It’s not much, but you still need the nutrients,” she said, and I took the tray after setting my notebook off to the side. 

Rations with what looked like some type of fish. I picked up the fork on the tray and Brikka glanced at my notebook. “Is that Clancy?” she asked, and I nodded. “I wish I had my paints with me,” I mumbled, my voice faint, and Brikka smiled at me. “I can go get them.”

I looked up at her before nodding, and she left my room.

I finished eating and I set my tray down on my lap before laying down fully. I wasn’t too sure what was taking Brikka so long, but all I could really do was wait.

When she finally came back she handed me a small leather bag. “I got this for the paints. It was difficult looking through your bag.”

“Thank you,” I replied, sitting up before grabbing my notebook off the table next to me, and she nodded before leaving.

I took my brushes out and started with the background. Blending in blues and whites to make the texture of the water.

I then set that brush in the water cup next to me before grabbing one of my smaller brushes.

I started with his skin tone, he was pale when he got out of the city, almost too pale.

I was careful with my paint strokes, attempting to make sure that my hands were steady. 

I’d add more details once it dried enough. I remember back in the city I had to hide my art. Nills was strict when it came to creativity. Sometimes there would be random apartment sweeps done by his district guards. I’d hide my journals in the ceiling tiles above my bed whenever I heard the familiar sound of heavy leatherbound boots echoing down a dark hallway.

If there’s one thing I missed about Dema it was the layout of the apartments, but tents were easier to move, easier to flee.

I decided to try to get some more sleep as I waited for the first layer of my paints to dry, but the moment I closed my eyes someone was in my room.

I turned over and saw a guy with blond hair, heavy eye bags, a stained bomber jacket, and a burn scar on his forehead. This was none other than Preston.

“What the hell, Preston?” I groaned, not even caring about resting my voice anymore.

“We found some things that you need to see,” he said, and I was up, immediately.

Preston and I left the medical tent and walked over to where Neo wanted all his tech stuff to be. He wanted it separate from where he slept. 

“I just want to warn you, it’s graphic,” he said, letting me in first. Tari was there, fidgeting with a USB stick while she sat criss-crossed on the floor of the tent. “I got everything copied onto here like you asked, just in case,” she said, and Preston nodded. 

I stood behind him as he sat down in a chair, before he pointed to another one next to the desk. I pulled it closer to the computer that he was looking at. They got another one from cargo raiding recently, it took a full night for Neo to shut the restrictions down, but he managed to do it.

“It’s not just written documents,” Tari stammered, and I had never seen her look so distraught. Her pupils were dilated, she was shaking, and her voice was so full of fear.

“Torch,” Preston said, bringing me back to reality. “Did you hear what I said?”

I shook my head. “No, sorry,” I replied. 

“Since this is about what Clancy went through in the city, if it gets too much—”

“I’ll be okay,” I said, cutting him off. 

“He never was able to get through the damn wallpaper setting on this thing,” Preston mumbled before opening a file on the desktop.

Everything was neatly organized. Neo must’ve been researching the file systems for a while.

“I’ll let you look at your own pace,” Preston said, standing up, which made me wonder why he wanted me to pull up a chair in the first place.

I switched seats, and decided to look through the written documents first.

I read every single word, and even after the first document, which was a letter from Nico, I felt like I was going to throw up.

 

019 9MOON 14

[REDACTED], 

Glad to see how well your progress is going on making him conform. I’ve used my own ways to drill it into his mind as well. All I’m going to say is that his ability to be seized while alive is an asset for personal use too.

He’s learning to hate the rebels, specifically The Torchbearer. I’ve convinced him that The Torchbearer only wanted to use him, and that he’s safer here in the towers. While he’s gotten onto us in the past he’s too brainwashed to do anything about it now, and I thank you for that. The publicity has brought Dema back to what it once was, a community of loyal Vialists who aren’t curious about what lies beyond the walls.

-Nicolaus Bourbaki, Leader of the Nine.

 

‘His ability to be seized while alive is an asset to personal use’ stuck out to me, but there was one thing I knew. Clancy was being sexually assaulted.

I closed out of that letter, before deciding to look at the images.

The moment I went back to the main file and clicked on the images folder my hand immediately went to my mouth. Graphic was an understatement.

Photos of Clancy, my sweet Clancy, covered in his own blood. Photos of just the scars he was given. Photos of him smeared in a bedroom. I couldn’t handle it.

I tried taking a deep breath but my lungs wouldn’t cooperate.

I was here, doing nothing, while he was being tortured and raped when he was stuck in Dema. He might be back now, but I could’ve done more. I could’ve stopped all of this from happening if I had just stayed with him that night.

“Oh Clancy,” I breathed. “Oh my love.”

“Josh,” Preston started, putting a hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged him off. I didn’t want to be touched right now.

“It’s Torch to you, Preston,” I replied, my voice monotone, almost cold. 

“Torch, do you want to take a breather?”

“What I want to do is kill Nicolaus Bourbaki with my bare hands,” I replied, standing up. “I want to kill all the bishops with nothing but my hands.”

I walked out of the tent. I needed air.

I stopped by the med-tent to grab my notebook and my paints before stopping by my actual tent for my backpack and my crossbow.

I got everything packed up and I made my way to the river. Luckily it wasn’t a whole day's worth of walking to get there anymore. 

Nobody tried to stop me, which I was grateful for. I wasn’t in the mood to talk.

Once I was far enough away from camp I punched a tree out of anger. I barely felt the pain, after twelve years of being with the banditos I’ve built up a tolerance for it.

“How could I be so stupid?” I muttered to myself. I was pissed, at who? I didn’t even know.

Half of it was at myself, while another half was at the bishops. I could’ve done more. 

I kept making my way towards the river, more specifically towards the waterfall.

I walked over moss covered rocks, taking in the familiar scent of the river. Moss was always the first sign that I was getting closer to it.

I made it out of the trees, letting myself take a deep breath at the sight of the riverbank, and before I could stop it tears spilled out of my eyes. 

“Are we safe, Josh?” Clancy asked as I ran my hands through his hair. It had grown back out and he didn’t want to shave it this time.

We were laying in our tent, the only thing illuminating us being a battery powered lamp hanging from the ceiling while the only thing that could be heard were crickets chirping and the sound of both of us breathing.

Breathing. A sound I’ve grown to love. It meant he was alive. He was with me and alive. 

“Yeah, we are, we’re safe,” I told him as I kissed his forehead. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

I tugged at my hair. I lied to him. He went through hell behind those walls. I couldn’t keep him safe. I would never be able to keep him safe. They should’ve let him kill me.

My worst fear was losing him, but I had already lost him. He didn’t love me anymore, and I should’ve seen that when he attempted to suffocate me.

Amber eyes once full of love towards me were now only filled with hatred. That’s all they reflected back now, hatred.

I had to let him go.

Chapter 26: Torchbearer

Notes:

heyyyy it’s ya boy (yes i am a male fanfic writer) back with another BANGER of an authors note.

this’ll be the last chapter UNTIL the contract releases. i’ve been going through a writing burnout and it’s seriously impacted my motivation, since i rely on feedback to keep my motivation up, which is why im always asking you guys to comment your thoughts.

i won’t abandon this fic, ive also just been really stressed recently. it’s almost summer time though and i have about 2 weeks left of school, so once im able to actually take a break and only focus on my part time job instead of both my job and my grades will help me relax.

i’m also just like doubting my writing abilities again, anyways. this chapter contains arguments and i definitely didn’t use a scene from the hunger games again :3

It took a few weeks, but I was finally given clearance to talk to Clancy again, and only because he told Wendt that he wanted to see me.

“We’ve shown him his journal entries and that’s made some progress in his recovery,” Wendt told me, and I nodded. “He can’t hurt you this time, and I want you to try to be patient with him.”

Wendt unzipped the part of the tent that Clancy was in, and I walked in.

He was restrained to the bed, probably to stop another attack from happening, but to my surprise he wasn’t fighting them.

“Hey,” he said, and I put my hands in my pockets. 

“Hey,” I replied, “Wendt said you wanted to see me.”

“You look different,” he said, and I tried to stay calm. “I’ve been running a group of rebels for the past two years by myself,” I replied, “of course I look different.”

“No, not like that, I mean seriously, what did I see in you? You’re short, and you’re anything but handsome.”

“Did you only want to see me so you could tell me that?” I snapped, I couldn’t control the betrayal and hurt I felt. “If so I’ll just leave.”

I shouldn’t be acting like this. He was tortured by Nico and I was what, getting mad at him for it?

“I remember the petals,” he said, and I crossed my arms. “You and your group threw them on me when Nico found me.”

“Yeah, to try to save you,” I replied, and he scoffed. “You stayed, watching me get dragged away by him, doing absolutely nothing.”

“There was nothing I could’ve done, Clancy!” 

I wasn’t helping. I shouldn’t even be here.

“It’s all you’re good at doing anyways, doing nothing! You did nothing when I was taken again, a BISHOP freed me! Keons, a fucking bishop freed me! While you did absolutely nothing!” He shouted, and I stepped back.

“I can’t believe I somehow loved you.”

That string of words tore through my heart, and I saw in his eyes that he didn’t regret saying that. 

I left, and ignored Wendt as they tried to talk to me. I needed to be alone, for how long? I didn’t know.

I went into my tent, grabbing my notebook before sitting down on my cot, and I stared blankly at the drawings of Clancy. That Clancy was gone. My boyfriend was gone, and I wanted to die. 

I took a deep breath as I ripped out the first page.

Chapter 27: Clancy

Notes:

so if you follow my tumblr you’d know that i originally said that i wanted to wait for the contract to release but i got impatient.

After my visit with Josh a few days ago, Wendt decided to take off the restraints when I told them I wanted to write, and I also couldn’t stop thinking about what I had said.

I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why I said that.

I couldn’t stop looking through my notebook, reading the poems I had written about him, and I cried.

I wanted him to hold me, to tell me that I’d be okay. I wanted him to kiss my forehead and tell me that he loves me, but I would never feel those callused hands again. I messed everything up.

“Clancy?” a voice said, and I looked up. I saw a scruffy kid with hair that went down to his shoulders. His eyes were a deep brown and he had acne. He was obviously a teenager but the deep eyebags he had and the bandage wrapped around his upper thigh made him look older than he was.

I had never seen this kid before, but I somehow knew I could trust him. 

“I’m Neo,” he said, and I nodded.

“It’s similar to Nico,” I replied, and he nodded. “Some people believe it’s good luck to name your kid a name similar to a bishop, I’ve thought of changing it but it’s one of the only things I still have from my parents.”

I guess I had more in common with this kid than I thought. “Your parents were victims of vialism too?” I asked, and he nodded as he limped closer to me. 

“I know you feel like a monster right now, Clancy,” he said, sitting on the edge of my bed. “But I know that you’re not.”

“I am though, Neo,” I replied, and I looked away. “I hurt Josh.”

“You’re still healing from what happened to you in the city,” Neo said, and I nodded slightly. Talking to someone with this amount of empathy was rare. 

“Can you get a message to Josh for me?” I asked, and he nodded.

 

Josh,

I’m sorry for what I said. I don’t know what came over me.

Please come back. Please. I’ve been looking through my journal entries, reading everything I wrote to you, and it’s slowly coming back.

I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake. They messed up my memories, but I realize now that you aren’t what they told me you were. I need you to help me remember what’s real.

Please come back.

-Clancy

 

I handed Neo the note, and he nodded. “I’ll get it to him.”

“Thank you.”

Chapter 28: Neo

Notes:

i can’t torture you guys anymore with waiting for chapters. here you go. enjoy your meal.

I folded up the note as I walked out of Clancy’s area in the med-tent. The sun was starting to set and I noticed a group of Banditos setting up the fire for tonight. 

I made my way to Josh’s tent, making sure that he knew that I was coming in.

“Josh?” I asked, and I noticed that he was curled up on his cot, covered in a thick blanket. He’d been in there since what had happened with Clancy. Pages of his notebook were scattered on the ground.

“Go away, Neo,” he mumbled, his voice breaking. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Clancy asked me to give this to you,” I said, placing the folded up note on his cot. “He’s still recovering, Josh, give him time.”

“He told me that he can’t believe that he somehow loved me,” he mumbled, and I sighed.

“He regrets saying it.”

“He still said it,” Josh replied, and I nodded. “It still hurts.”

“I know, but read the note still, please,” I said, trying to reason with him. “I’m going to go back to my tent.”

I saw a faint nod under the blankets, and I left his tent.

When I got back to Jay and I’s tent I saw Jay and Ella playing a game of war. Jay was losing badly.

“You two having fun?” I asked, sitting down on my cot. 

“Yes!” Ella said, while Jay said ‘no’ at the exact same time. I laughed.

“Ella, you look like you’re going to make Jay cry.”

“He’s already cried,” she replied, and Jay sighed. 

“Save me,” he whisper-shouted, and I smiled. “Like you’d be better off playing against me, I’d beat your ass.”

“HA! YES!” Ella exclaimed, taking Jay’s last card. “That’s three to zero, younger brother.”

“You’re only older by five minutes!” he replied, and Ella laughed. “You’re still younger than me!”

“Clancy would probably crush you guys in go fish,” I said, and Ella shrugged. “Eh, he’s more of a crazy eights kinda guy, don’t challenge him to a round of that.”

“Josh crushed us in go fish,” Jay said, and she nodded. “I’m going to go help out with the bonfire, you two be good,” she said, leaving our tent.

“Can you help me get my right boot off?” I asked, and Jay nodded, getting up from his spot on the tent floor.

“How’s your leg doing?” he asked, and I shrugged. “Still hurts.”

He pulled my boot off to a point where I was able to kick it off in the direction of his cot.

I let out a sigh, and Jay sat next to me on my cot, pressing the palm of his left hand against the back of my right one.

“Something else is bothering you, I can tell,” he whispered, and I closed my eyes.

“Just, the stuff happening with Clancy,” I said, and he leaned his head against my shoulder. “He’s getting better though, right?” he asked, and I nodded. 

Jay’s hand intertwined with mine.

“You aren’t responsible for other people’s happiness, Neo.”

I turned to face him, and I pressed my forehead against his. His free hand cupped my face.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

He kissed it.

I didn’t mind, and I especially didn’t mind when he actually kissed me.

“I’m proud of you because you’re still here,” he said, and I wrapped my arms around him.

I didn’t believe in a god, but Jay was the closest thing to one.

I kissed him this time, and for the first time I didn’t mind being this close with someone.

Chapter 29: Torchbearer

I read Clancy’s letter as soon as Neo left, and I rushed to the med-tent.

This time when I saw him he looked at me with guilt in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and I couldn’t help but fall towards him.

I gently took his hands, and he let me.

“Shhhh, hey, it’s okay,” I whispered, wiping his tears with my thumb. “I’m right here.”

I regretted ripping out those pages, pages now scattered around my tent.

“I hurt you, I messed everything up, I-”

I cut him off by pressing my lips against his. How I missed this. How I missed everything about him.

I pulled away and I stared into his eyes.

“Josh,” he breathed, and I nodded. “I’m right here.”

“Do you want to go outside? We’re setting up a fire,” I spoke softly, rubbing circles onto the back of his hand.

“I’d like that,” he replied, and I smiled. “I can help you figure everything out.”

~

A few hours had passed and Clancy and I were by the fire.

“Your favorite color is blue, right?” he asked, and I nodded. “Yours is yellow.”

“Yellow?” he asked, and I nodded. “Not like a bright yellow, more like the sunrises that peak over the mountains in Trench or freshly bloomed carnations in the fall.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“You always wake up after me, you sing to yourself when you gather, you like watching me draw,” I said, and I looked into his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

He grabbed my hand and brought my knuckles to his lips.

“You don’t have to apologize,” he replied, and I motioned for him to come closer.

I wrapped my arm around him, and he rested his head on my shoulder. Just like old times.

“I want to try something,” he said, and I hummed to tell him I was listening.

“I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to tell me if it’s real or not real.”

I nodded, looking at him.

“I’m the reason my family is dead, real or not real?” he asked, and I shook my head. “Not real.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Neo and Jay exit their tent, and they made a run for the forest. His family wasn’t fully dead, maybe I could find Ella and have them reconnect. 

“You like to draw, real or not real?” he asked, and I nodded. “That’s real.”

A few minutes of silence passed when Clancy opened his mouth to speak again.

“Nico told me that you wanted to kill me, is this a ploy to do that, is that real?” 

“That’s not real,” I replied, listening to the sound of the fire crackling and mindless conversations around us. It was just like old times. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“But I hurt you, shouldn’t you do it back to me in return?” he asked, and I looked him in the eyes.

“Clancy, is that something they did to you?” I questioned, and he looked down at the ground.

“If I didn’t comply yeah, but I deserved it because I didn’t do what they asked.”

My heart broke at that. “You didn’t deserve that,” I told him, brushing a strand of pink hair behind his ear.

“You love me, real or not real?” he asked, changing the subject.

I pressed my lips against his forehead. “Real.”

“Clancy?” a voice behind us said, and Clancy looked up.

“Ella?” he asked, standing up. “He told me you were dead!”

Clancy hugged his little sister. “Is Jay alive too?” 

“Yeah, yeah he is,” she replied, and Clancy stepped back. “Where is he?” 

“I saw him run into the forest with Neo,” I said, and Ella started laughing. “Holy shit Gwen owes me her chocolate rations,” she said, and I looked at her.

“Gwen has chocolate?” I asked, and she just stared at me blankly. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you that,” she replied, and I just laughed. “It’s alright, just ask her where she got it from.”

“If you see Jay, can you tell him that I want to see him?” Clancy asked, and Ella nodded. “Yeah, I will.”

Clancy sat back down next to me at the fire, resting his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m glad you’re back, Clancy,” I whispered, and he nodded. 

“I’m glad to be back too.”

Chapter 30: Neo

Notes:

so sorry for the delay my minecraft account got hacked and i basically got my microsoft account stolen

Jay and I wanted space, that’s all we wanted, time to ourselves, but maybe running out here wasn’t the best idea.

“Fuck,” I whispered, grabbing my leg. While I was cleared to walk a few days ago, the internal mess of veins and muscle that the arrow tore through was still healing, especially because it was a barbed arrow. I shouldn’t be running, yet here I was, muttering curses under my breath while Jay had his hand on my shoulder.

“Do you wanna head back, Neo?” He asked, and I shook my head. “No, it’s a clear night tonight, I wanna stargaze with you!” I replied, but my leg was protesting even the thought of standing up, and we were already far outside of camp.

“We can just stay under the trees for a bit,” Jay said, moving my bangs out of my eyes for me. I agreed, and he sat next to me, resting his head on my shoulder.

“It’s quiet out here,” I whispered, listening to the sound of the trees swaying above us. 

I took a deep breath, not realizing how tired I was, the throbbing in my leg was enough to keep me awake though.

We could faintly see the smoke from the bonfire from where we were, it was nicely disguised by the night sky. 

“Has anyone told you how pretty your eyes are?” Jay asked, and I shrugged. “They’re brown, how are they pretty?”

“They remind me of honey, soft and sweet, whenever I look at them I feel safe.”

“You’re just talking out of your ass now, aren’t you, Joseph?” I teased, and he rolled his eyes. “Never, Cohen.” 

I smiled, looking at Jay. His humor matched mine, like we were matching puzzle pieces. 

Jay wrapped his right arm around me and rested his hand on my waist, while I rested my head against his chest. The sound of the breeze and the coolness of the winter weather was enough to help me sleep, despite the pains in my leg.

I didn’t know how long it was but I felt Jay shaking me awake. 

“We have to go, now,” he said, but my half asleep brain couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

“Huh?” I mumbled, but then I heard it.

Footsteps, heavy footsteps.

Dema patrol, probably looking for Clancy.

I wrapped my arm around Jay’s shoulder as he helped me get up.

“NEO! JAY!” I heard in the distance, and I knew that we were screwed.

I couldn’t walk, I was slowing Jay down, and now we might be found again.

“We’re going to be okay, Neo,” he said, but I couldn’t believe him as we struggled to move forward.

“Wait here,” Jay said, lowering me to the ground. “The others are close, I’ll be right back.”

I wanted to protest, to make him stay with me, but the adrenaline was running low and I needed to sit down.

“Jay,” I breathed, and he looked at me before kissing me gently. 

“I’ll be back, I promise.”

I leaned against a tree that was behind me, trying to ease the agonizing pain in my leg. 

“Why did we run off like that?” I whispered to myself, not expecting an answer.

“Because you’re foolish, Neo Cohen,” a deep voice said, and I snapped my head in the direction it came from.

It was a bishop, but not just any bishop, my bishop, Reisdro.

“It’s time to come home,” he said, but I shook my head, using the tree I was leaning against to help me find balance as I stood up.

“I’m not turning into what my parents did,” I said, bearing all my weight onto my good leg. I wasn’t going back, and if that meant fucking up my leg even more, then so be it.

That adrenaline rush was back, and the pain was blocked out again, I had to run.

So that’s what I did.

I ran as fast as I could, each new tear in my muscle urged me to run faster. I would never heal from this, I’d probably lose all mobility in my left leg, but I didn’t care.

I had to get back to my real home, to my family, to the Banditos.

“NEO!” I heard someone shout, and I fell forward into a pair of arms before I passed out.

Chapter 31: Alexis

Notes:

Short chapter but for a reason! You’ll see ;)

“What were you two thinking?!” I asked, looking up at Jay from where I was on the ground, holding my brother in my arms. “Why did you just leave him?!”

“I couldn’t carry him!” he replied, “he was slipping out of my grasp.”

I sighed, I wanted to be mad but I just couldn’t. Jay was a part of this family now too, and he was worried about Neo just as much as I was.

“Jay?” I asked, and he looked at me from where he was standing. He was just as scared as I was. “Can you help me get him to Brikka?”

He nodded, not saying anything as we picked him up. I saw him whispering things under his breath but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. 

When we got Neo to Brikka, she and Wendt immediately took him from us. Jay asked if he could come with them, but Wendt shook their head. “Sorry, kid, but I'll make sure you’re there when he’s awake, okay?” they said, and Jay nodded.

“I’m going to go find Clancy,” he said, and I nodded. “I’ll come get you when he’s awake,” I told him, and he just gave me a slight nod.

I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor, my head in my hands.

I had to remind myself that he was still breathing. He wasn’t going to end up like our parents.

I couldn’t let that happen.

Chapter 32: Clancy

Notes:

i wrote this while listening to headlock by imogen heap as well as snap back.

A seemingly good night can go south in a matter of seconds.

“I’m sorry it’s a mess,” Josh said, pushing a bunch of papers under his cot. “Uhm, do you want to sleep together tonight? I can take the floor if you’re not comfortable with that yet.”

I shrugged, but my attention slowly shifted to one of the pieces of paper on the floor.

“What’s this?” I asked, picking it up. Josh looked away. “Just some drawings,” he said. “Why aren’t they in your notebook then, also you draw me hotter than I actually am, Josh.”

“I just had a bit of a breakdown the other day, I’m okay now,” he said, and I put the drawing down on his cot.

“Did I make you tear out these pages?” I asked, picking more up. They were all of me. All were drawings and diary entries about me. “If I did, I want to know.”

“Clancy, please, can we just drop it!?” he shouted, and my eyes widened.

I stepped back a bit. I don’t know if he saw it.

I wanted to run. I didn’t feel safe.

“Clancy-” Josh started, his voice softer, and his attention was back on me. “Clancy.”

His tone was quieter, but every fiber of my being was telling me to run.

So that’s what I did.

I ran.

“Clancy, wait!” Torch exclaimed, but I didn’t stop. I had to get out of here.

When I got far enough away from camp I curled up under one of those massive oak trees, and simply cried.

All I could think about was how Nico would always have his way with me. I could hear his voice screaming at me when I tried to fight back. No matter what I did, the feeling of his hands would never leave my body.

“Clancy,” I heard a soft voice say, and I looked up. Josh, but it wasn’t Josh.

“What?” I breathed. There was something different about him. Maybe the faint glow he let off, or the fact that the smell of pine needles was back.

He crouched down to my level.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” he started, reaching his hand out, but I flinched away.

“You aren’t Josh,” I mumbled, and he sat down. “I’m a projection, you aren’t the only one who has an ability, lovely.”

I couldn’t wrap my head around it. “Why are you here as a projection?” I asked, and he smiled. 

“I had to find you, silly,” Torch said, and I leaned forward into his chest.

“You’re warmer,” I replied and Torch asked if he could wrap his arms around me. I agreed.

“I mean, I’m kinda described as a guiding light, hence why I’m called Torch,” he explained and I nuzzled my head into his hoodie. “I’m sorry for running off.”

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you’re safe.” 

After a while I felt Josh’s projection start to flicker, almost like a dying flame.

“He’s almost here,” Torch replied, and I still hadn’t left his grasp. I nodded sleepily against him.

I heard the soft sound of boots in the distance, and could tell by the footsteps that it was Josh.

“Hey, there’s my pretty carnation,” Josh breathed, dropping his crossbow on the ground and rushing over to me. I didn’t even notice that Torch was gone.

“I’m so sorry for shouting at you, Clancy,” he added, before asking if he could hug me. I nodded. Josh was gentle, unlike Nico.

“He would shout at me if I fought back,” I mumbled, and Josh kissed the top of my head. “He only did it for his own benefit, just as another form of torture, he’d always smear me anyways.”

“I’m going to make sure he can’t hurt you like that again,” Josh said, and I buried my head into his shoulder.

“I want it to stop, Joshua, I want it to all stop,” I sobbed, and he simply held me, almost like if he would let go I’d shatter and he’d have no way to put me back together.

“I know, I know baby, but we’re going to get you through this. You’re going to be okay.”

I didn’t know if that was true.

When we made it back to camp Josh and I crashed on his cot. I laid silently on his chest, simply listening to his heartbeat.

“I ripped out the pages because I thought you hated me,” Josh said after a period of silence. “I was blinded by grief.”

I kissed the base of his neck. “I might have my moments still, but I do love you.”

Josh wrapped one of his arms around my waist, holding me close.

When suddenly our tent was opened and my brother was standing there.

“The Sacred Municipality knows where we are,” he said, and Josh sat up.

Chapter 33: Torchbearer

“We don’t have the resources to move again,” I said, staring at a map. It was still dark out, but we didn’t have time to sleep now.

I had gathered a few banditos to help strategize, and Clancy was half asleep on a chair, trying to keep up. 

Maybe cramming 20 banditos into a tent was a bad idea, but it was fine.

“Besides,” Carmen added, “they’re looking for Clancy.”

“What’s their deal with Clancy anyways?” one asked. “Frankly I don’t see why he’s so special.”

The silence couldn’t have been louder.

I sighed, looking over at Clancy for permission to tell them. He nodded.

“Clancy can be seized while alive,” I said, and the tent blew up in commotion. 

“So he’s basically a spy?”

“Isn’t that against everything we stand for, we don’t want to lead the bishops to us.”

“So he is a traitor.”

“IT’S NOT LIKE I FUCKING CHOSE IT!” Clancy snapped, standing up from where he was sitting.

Everyone paused, including myself.

“I didn’t fucking choose for my bodily autonomy to be taken from me, but what I did choose was to escape, I also chose to accept the fact that I have the same abilities as the bishops, so if you think I chose the fact to be the one exception to the rule then I’ll seize a vulture and peck out your eyes.”

To say I was shocked was an understatement.

Clancy sat back down, shooting everyone but me a glare, and I could’ve sworn I saw one of his eyes turn yellow.

New rule, do not piss off your psychokinetic boyfriend.

After a bit we got back to talking about how we would protect ourselves in case another raid happened, and I knew that it was time to wrap this meeting up when Clancy wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. He could easily do that, considering he was taller than me.

“Let’s get back to this tomorrow, guys,” I said, even though every second we wasted was basically a ticking time bomb to another raid.

When we got back to our tent Clancy wrapped me in a tight hug. “I don’t wanna go back, I’d rather kill myself than go back.”

I hugged him back. “I’m not going to let them take you again,” I told him, and he just sighed. “You can’t promise that.”

“I’ll kill Bourbaki with my bare hands before he gets his on you again,” I said, backing up slightly so I could hold Clancy’s head in my hands. 

Then, without warning, he kissed me, and when we pulled away I saw tears welling up in his eyes.

“I don’t want to go back.”

Now it was my turn to hug him.

“I’m not going to let them take you back, I promise,” I said, and he gripped the back of my hoodie.

“I don’t want to lose you again,” he sobbed. “I don’t want Nico to take advantage of me again.”

“I’m not gonna let him do that again,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m not letting him take you back.”

Once he had calmed down enough we got onto my cot, and he had a tight grip on me. 

“It’s okay,” I told him, running a hand through his hair, which was still pink. “You’re going to be okay.”

“I wanna shave it off,” Clancy mumbled, and I nodded. I could do that.

“First thing tomorrow, I promise.”

He nodded against me.

“Go to sleep, Clancy, I’ll be here when you wake up,” I whispered, kissing the top of his head. “You’re safe.”

After a few minutes his breathing slowed and his grip loosened. He was asleep.

I wasn’t going to sleep tonight though, I needed to protect him.

After a few hours he moved to my side, giving me enough room to grab my notebook, as well as a pencil, and turned on the lamp above our cot. 

I felt Clancy move over as I started writing a journal entry, he always moved in his sleep so I paid it no mind.

021 12MOON 20

It’s been almost a month since Clancy came back home. He’s slowly adjusting but I’m helping him out the best I can.

I want to kill Nico with my bare hands. He’s hurt Clancy in ways that I can’t think about without feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I paused, looking over at Clancy, I ran one of my hands through his hair. 

“Josh,” he mumbled, and I pulled my hand away. “Don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said, and his eyes fluttered open.

His normally brown eyes were a deep red.

His eyes were red.

Chapter 34: Clancy

I couldn’t fight him off, and now I was stuck in my mind, with Nico’s hands around my neck.

“You can’t get away, you out of all people should know this, Clancy,” he said, before throwing me down onto the ground.

“I’m not letting you use me again!” I shouted, and he just stood there. 

“Do you really think you have a choice?” he asked, crouching down to my level. “I control you, you’re nothing but a living vessel, Clancy.”

“Torchbearer says-” I started, but as soon as Josh’s title left my mouth Nico pressed his foot into my chest. Those heavy boots he wore felt like he was crushing my ribcage.

“I’m taking you back to the city, you will perform, you will comply, and you will never speak of The Torchbearer again.”

Suddenly an arrow was shot, flying right past Nico’s face, causing him to let go of me.

I backed up, and I felt warm in the coldness of my mind.

“Don’t let him get to you,” Torch said, wrapping one of his arms around me. “I’m right here.”

I watched as Nico disappeared, giving me back control.

I took a deep breath as I was thrown back into my body, and Josh was there, cupping my face.

“Josh,” I whispered before he wrapped me in a hug. “I’m right here,” he said, and I gripped onto his hoodie. 

“Do you wanna go for a walk?” Josh asked, and I nodded. I needed to clear my head.

After a few minutes we had changed our clothes and Josh had gotten all his things together.

We decided to go down to the river, mainly to just talk about what had happened.

I sat down on the stony shore, leaning against a giant rock while Josh sat on top of it.

“I’ve always been Nico’s little play-thing,” I said, and Josh put his hand on my shoulder. “It didn’t get this bad until I was turned into propaganda.”

I threw a rock into the river, listening to it splash. “I started preferring being isolated in my cell, because it was either that or be stuck with Nico.”

Josh was silent as he moved to sit next to me. 

“If it’s too much to talk about-” he started, but I cut him off. “You’re the only one I trust with this information, Josh.”

I watched him nod, and he grabbed my hand.

“I have an idea,” Josh said, and I leaned my head against his shoulder. “What is it?”

“What if I project into your mind at night? That’s when you’re most vulnerable, correct?” he asked. “Yeah, but you need sleep too,” I told him, and he shook his head.

“I can do it subconsciously, Clancy,” he said, and I nodded. “We could try it.”

We went back to silence for a few minutes, and that’s when Josh decided to kiss the side of my head.

“If you’re going to kiss me, do it right,” I joked, turning my head, and he did just that.

It was a real kiss, more than just the pecks we were sharing, a real, intimate, kiss.

His hand was cupping my face, and when we finally pulled away I couldn’t help but lean against him. I was practically in his lap now.

“Again?” I asked, and he nodded. I cupped his face and kissed him like my life depended on it.

His hands were at my waist now, and I didn’t mind it. This was Josh, Josh wouldn’t hurt me intentionally.

When I broke away I started kissing his jaw, and I felt him let out a shaky breath.

“Clancy,” he said, and I looked at him. “Do you wanna go back to our tent?”

I shook my head. “I don’t wanna be quiet.”

He nodded, and I kept going, pressing kisses wherever I could.

Every little breath he let out was fueling the fire in my chest.

I kissed his neck, felt his pulse between my lips, Josh made me feel safe. 

I wrapped my legs around his waist as I ran my fingers over his chest. He wanted me to be in charge.

“You’re so hot,” Josh whined, and I just smiled.

I felt him under me, he wasn’t necessarily the needy type, I guess he missed me more than I thought.

I quickly got his hoodie off and slowly kissed down his body as his hands scrambled for purchase against the rock he was leaning against.

Every bite, every lick of my tongue, he was reactive to it.

I was about to continue, before we were rudely interrupted. 

“Torch? Clancy? Are you guys over here?”

I had never gotten off Josh faster than I had in that moment.

“Holy shit, Aria,” I shouted, standing up as Josh got his hoodie back on. “You can’t sneak up on us like that!”

“We just wanted alone time,” Josh added, turning himself around to look at her. His face was a deep red and I could’ve sworn I saw the gears turn in her mind.

“Oh my god,” she started, covering her mouth with her hand. I looked over at Josh, and we knew we were fucked. “You two were… I gotta go, have fun!”

“She’s gonna tell everyone,” I muttered, sitting back down against the rock, my head in my hands from embarrassment.

“It’s not like they don’t know,” Josh replied, and I nodded. He was right. It’s not like we were necessarily quiet either.

I moved closer to Josh and rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Can we head back?” I asked, I was tired and I wanted to sleep.

“Yeah, we can head back,” Josh replied, and we slowly got up.

I didn’t really remember the walk back to our camp, but I did remember the warmth in my head before I fell asleep.

Chapter 35: The Projection

Clancy’s head was cold and dark, which made finding him in his subconscious even harder.

After a few minutes of searching I found him, he was simply staring at a screen.

“Whatcha doing?” I asked, and he stepped aside. “Sorting through memories,” he replied, and I nodded. “What’re you doing here?”

“Keeping you safe,” I said, and the screen in front of him faded away. “From my nightmares or from Nico?”

I paused. “Both,” I finally said, and he sighed. “You’re doing too much, Torch.”

“I’m keeping you safe, Clance,” I replied, and he shook his head. “I can keep myself safe.”

This wasn’t the Clancy I was used to.

This was his deepest thoughts in the midst of his subconscious, all in one physical form. 

“I don’t want to worry you more than I already have.”

“I worry about you because I love you,” I added, cupping his face, I saw him recoil at the touch, so I backed up. 

“You shouldn’t love me,” he deadpanned, and I just looked at him. “I’ll love you anyways, even if this bundle of negativity controls you.”

I kissed the top of his head, and he stepped closer to me.

“You’re persistent, Torch,” he laughed, but it sounded forced, like one of those uncomfortable laughs you let out when someone says a bad joke.

“If you want me to leave I will,” I offered, but to my surprise he shook his head. “Don’t leave.”

I wasn’t going to leave anyways, I wasn’t going to leave him alone, not again.

So I stayed with him until the morning, holding him tight.

I wasn’t going to let go of him. I wasn’t going to lose him again.

Chapter 36: Neo

I was told I was asleep for four days, and by running on my right leg I had severely torn the muscles in my thigh. The chances of me walking normally again were slim.

So I was basically a dead man if we were to get raided again.

“Hey, kid,” Wendt said, smiling. “How are you feeling?” 

I didn’t really have a response. I was in a lot of pain.

“Even with all the painkillers everything still hurts,” I replied, and they nodded.

“Do you need anything right now? Food, water, emotional support?”

I shrugged. “Food would be nice, but I want to see Jay.”

“He’s helping out with camp stuff right now, but Alexis is outside, she hasn’t really moved since she brought you here,” they said, and I looked away from them.

Alexis and I hadn’t really talked a lot since our argument a month ago, and that’s been weighing on our relationship. She’s the only blood family I have left, and I’ve been avoiding her.

Yet she still saved me. She carried me back to camp after I was almost captured by my bishop.

“I want to talk to her,” I told Wendt, and they looked at me. “I’ll go get her then.”

When they came back they gave me some already prepared rations and Alexis.

“You’re not gonna take the shitty granola bar like you always do?” I asked, taking a forkful of food, if you could even consider it food. Gave nutrients, yeah, but they tasted like chalk.

“You need it more than I do right now,” she said, and I shrugged. “I almost shared my food with you, missed a once in a lifetime opportunity,” I joked, and she gave me a soft smile, but it looked almost sad.

“I’m sorry, Neo,” she said, and I looked up at her from my food. “I’m sorry for treating you like shit these past few months, sometimes in the midst of everything I forget you’re still just a kid.”

I didn’t know what to say to that with. 

“I was honestly jealous of how you and Torch are like brothers, it seemed that you’re closer to him than you are with me, and it just hurt when I learned you could call him by his actual name,” she added, and I continued to stay silent. 

I took another bite of food, slowly processing what she had said. Josh and I had grown close these past few months.

“I just want you to know that I’m still your sister.”

“Josh just understands me, he makes things easy to talk about,” I replied, and she didn’t take her eyes off me.

“He made me feel seen, at first he was this guy I looked up to but now, now I’m in his inner circle, I’m his tech guy, he helped me turn a simple hobby into a lifeline for this camp.”

I rested my head against the headboard before I took a deep breath. 

“I think I’m gonna go back to sleep,” I said, and she nodded.

“I’ll give you time alone then,” she replied, standing up, but I reached my hand out towards her. 

“Stay, it’ll be like what we did when we had nightmares back in the city.”

“Like when we’d go to each other instead of mom and dad?”

I nodded, and she sat back down.

“Get some sleep, kid.”

Chapter 37: Torchbearer

Clancy was already awake when I woke up.

He was on the floor of our tent, writing something down in his notebook.

“You’re up early,” I mumbled, and he just shrugged.

“You kinda faded out of my mind in the middle of the night, and the feeling of your projection leaving wasn’t pleasant,” he said, not looking up from his notebook, but he had stopped writing. “I’ve been journaling since.”

“What are you journaling about?” I asked, and he shrugged again. “My time in the city, I feel like it’ll help me process things more if I get them out of my head.”

“There’s something I need to tell you,” I said, and he looked at me. “During the time that you were in the city we found files about the things you were going through.”

I watched as the gears turned in his head, and he looked back at his notebook. “Who knows?” He asked, and I swallowed. “Only Preston, Tari, and Neo.”

“The kid?” He asked, and I nodded. “Neo’s the one who hacked into their systems and got those files, he caused a massive data breach, he was doing it to get more information on where you were in the city, and found those instead.”

Clancy looked up at me, and his eyes were filled with a mixture of emotions I couldn’t really make out. Anger? Fear? Sadness? A mix of those three? I couldn’t tell.

“Can you give me some alone time, Josh?” he asked, and I nodded, before opening my mouth to speak.

“I know, don’t wander off, don’t go anywhere alone, stay near camp, get treated like a child, I know your damn rules.”

I got out of bed, changed my clothes, and grabbed my messenger bag before leaving. I decided it would be easier to carry than my bulky backpack.

I have a bad habit of telling people things very bluntly, especially when it comes to serious stuff like that. Of course he’d be upset, three people he didn’t know that well knew what happened to him in detail. I’d be angry too if I was in his position.

I decided to make my way over to Baldur’s tent, he was good with weapons, the trigger on my crossbow was getting jammed and the string needed to be replaced.

“Yeah, I can do that for you, but you know I need something in return for repairs, that’s always how I’ve run things,” Baldur said, setting my crossbow down on a table.

“Extra rations?” I offered, and he shook his head. “I want to be in your inner circle.”

I paused. My inner circle now consisted of Neo, Alexis, Jay, Preston, Tari, and Brikka.

“My inner circle?” I asked, and he nodded. “You want to be in my inner circle in order to fix my crossbow..?”

He nodded again. 

This was probably the stupidest trade I had ever heard.

“My inner circle is just the people I’m closest to here,” I explained. “I have another group for like, decisions regarding this war, which you’re in.”

“It was worth a shot, I’ll fix your crossbow,” he said, and I thanked him before I left.

I had a few chores to get done today, and one of those was collecting firewood.

I still had about 12 hours to get everything done, which should be enough time to get everything crossed off my list.

I took my notebook out of my bag and wrote down a list.

 

• Get firewood
• Go down to the river to fish. (camp running low on rations)

• Forage

• If time allows do Clancy and I’s laundry

• Get Clancy flowers as an apology

 

I decided to go ahead and collect firewood for tonight first, which meant I had to borrow Carmen’s axe.

“Bring her back in one piece, Torchbearer,” Carmen said, and she had this evil look in her eyes. “If you bring her back broken I’ll use your head as a sacrifice to the bishops.” 

Note to self. Get your own axe.

“I’ll bring her back in one piece, Carmen,” I replied, and she nodded. “You better.”

I think she needed someone to talk to about how emotionally attached she was to her axe. It couldn’t be healthy.

I went out into the forest, axe in hand.

After about an hour of chopping fallen trees, I had a decent supply of firewood and kindling. I decided to bring it back to camp before I kept going through my list.

As I made my way to the river I caught something in the corner of my eye.

I assumed it was a fox at first, until I heard it following me.

I turned around, pointing my axe out, and there was a dog. A scruffy looking mutt, panting.

I dropped my axe, and crouched down to its level. “What are you doing out here little buddy?” I asked, petting it. I watched its tail wag, and I scratched behind its ears.

“You could be good company, bud,” I said, standing up. “You can come with me if you want.”

I started walking away, telling it to follow me.

~~

In the tent Neo and I left on the riverbank we also left fishing supplies in it. I had caught a fair supply, and my new friend was having fun rolling around in the dirt, and that’s how I learned that he was a boy.

“I gotta name you, don’t I bud?” I asked, casting my line one more time. “How about Jim?”

The dog barked and wagged his tail. “Jim it is.”

I caught a few more fish before I decided to call it a day, and now I had to go get Clancy his flowers. 

By the time I got back to camp it was dark and I was gone longer than I should’ve been.

And that’s when I saw Clancy storm up to me.

“I thought you left me again!” he shouted, throwing a very weak punch into my chest. “You were gone for hours, Joshua!”

He leaned his head against my chest, letting his arms dangle at his sides. “I thought I lost you.”

“I was out longer than I should’ve been, I’m sorry, Clancy,” I said, wrapping my arms around him. “But I can tell something else is going on, is it about them knowing what happened?”

Clancy shook his head. “I’m frustrated cause I’m pent up, Josh.”

Oh. Was the only thing that came to mind.

“Also, is that a dog?” he asked, and there he was. 

I let go of Clancy and got down to Jim’s level.

“Where’d you go, bud?” I asked, and he just stared at me, panting. 

“You found a dog? Did you name him already? He’s adorable!” Clancy exclaimed, getting next to me on the ground and petting him. This dog was loving the attention.

“I named him Jim,” I replied, “I think he’s just a mutt.”

“He’s got a soft coat, it’s tangled, but we can fix that, and I think I see a bit of retriever in him,” Clancy said, and I nodded. “A bit of a retriever, and some sort of scruffy breed.”

After that introduction we got back to our tent, and Jim didn’t come in with us, instead he lay outside.

“Looks like we have a guard dog,” Clancy joked, and I smiled, leaning in and kissing his neck. “I guess we do.”

Notes:

next chapter... hehehehe

Chapter 38: Clancy

Notes:

The chapter you've all been waiting for.

Josh’s hands were rough and calloused, which helped me ground myself. Nico’s were soft and unrealistic, but Josh’s? Josh’s were real. They were human.

Feeling his hands like this felt like I was seeing the colors of Trench for the first time again.

“Josh,” I breathed, as he kept kissing and biting my neck. We were still standing, but I could already feel my legs getting weaker.

“Do you want this?” he whispered into my ear, and I nodded, but that caused him to back up and grab my chin.

“Use your words,” he told me, and I let out a deep breath. God, how I loved this side of him.

“I want it, Josh,” I said, and he smiled before kissing my lips.

“I’ll be gentle, okay? If you want to stop, please tell me.”

“Okay, I will, but one thing, can I keep my shirt on?” I asked and he nodded.

“Of course.”

After what felt like forever he got me on the cot, and he was on his knees in front of me.

I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t hot. Josh’s brown eyes staring up at me while he was on his knees. 

He was on his knees for me.

He started slow, like he promised. He was kissing me everywhere he could, always asking how I was feeling. I only had one answer, it felt good.

"You're so handsome, Clancy," Josh whispered, fidgeting with the drawstrings of my pants. I couldn't help but let out a shaky breath.

I always had a thing for praise, and Josh knew this. That hadn't changed in the 2 years I was in Dema.

“Can I take these off?” he asked, and I nodded. He pulled both my pants and my boxers down at the same time 

“Holy shit you’re hard,” Josh said, which made me smile. “Cause I’m in love with you, honey.”

Josh smiled as he kissed the tip of my dick, which made me shudder. I forgot how good he was with his mouth.

”I love you, I want you to remember that, remember that I will never hurt you,” he said, looking up at me before grabbing my hand. “Because you’re more than just a vessel, you’re a human being who deserves love, and I’m going to show you that love in the most intimate way I know how to.”

If I wasn’t so hard I probably would’ve been crying.

”Are you gonna suck my dick or- holy shit Josh-”

My hand flew to his hair as he took me in his mouth. Even after two years his tongue still had everything memorized. 

Josh sucked, which made me let out a loud moan. I was never one to be quiet, especially not when Josh was on his knees and sucking me off while one of his hands was squeezing mine.

When he pulled off for air he used his free hand to stroke me, which made me whine.

“Be a good boy and quiet down a bit, carnation,” Josh said and I bit my lip.

He got his mouth on me again and he looked up at me, which made it harder to stay quiet.

Every flick of his tongue, every time I hit the back of his throat, I was getting closer by the second.

”Josh, fuck, I’m close,” I panted, and he gave me that knowing look of “cum down my throat. I dare you.”

So I did just that, and he made sure to get every drop.

”Fuck, I love you,” I said, watching him swallow. He then stuck his tongue out for me, and a stripe of white still remained. 

“Holy shit, Josh, you’re a freak.”

“Do you want me to take care of you?” I asked, looking at his very obvious bulge in his pants.

“We’re taking this slow, Clancy, one step at a time, okay? I don’t want to accidentally trigger something,” he said, sitting down next to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“You’re doing too much,” I replied, smiling. I was honestly a little glad that we weren’t actually fucking tonight, I still didn’t know if I would be okay with that yet.

After only being used by Nico for two years I didn’t know if my body would know the difference between him and Josh.

“Thank you, for that.”

“You’re amazing, Clancy, do you know that?”

I smiled. “You might have to remind me.”

He kissed me, and I was tasting myself on him.

When he pulled away we laid down on our cot.

“I love you, Josh,” I whispered, and he smiled.

“I love you too, Clancy.”

Notes:

Follow my tumblr! https://www.tumblr.com/someonestolemytoast2