Chapter Text
All of my life I built this armor
And every disguise I ever wore
Ashes and dust
I made an island
Facing the end
I said, what for
Sometimes it's a battle
At times it's a war
But you're never defenseless
Sometimes we all lose strength
Please don't lose your faith
Life didn’t feel like a competition to Rue until it did. Everyone seems to be happy, healthy and thriving and even though she knew it wasn’t the reality it didn’t soothe the feeling of her inadequacies. Hiding a big part of herself, really damaged her and she still was hiding it from a lot of her friends, but her core family knew. It was one thing in high school to be known as the kid who died, it was easier to keep it wrapped up.
Rue’s multiple trips to the pediatrician also stemmed from a secret and although she loved her parents, this secret caused a lot of the drug fueled arguments with her mom. Learning her daughter had a penis or intersexed, initially led her mom to try and “fix her”. After her overdose, her mom let it go and focused on building her self confidence.
During the summer before senior year, she officially removed her uterus and was taking a balance of lithium, testosterone and estrogen. It was like taking the beer goggles off for the first time ever. The lows weren’t as low and she wasn’t swinging from the chandeliers from her highs. Rue finally had the courage to officially come out after high school and accept she/they/them pronouns.
Since Leslie Bennett was focusing most of her energy on Gia, Rue started working odd jobs, mostly she worked wee hours of the morning to unload boxes at the local mall and a receptionist for a magazine. After making a conscious decision not to go away to school, she went to the community college using the money she earned from working. Aligned best with her early days of recovery, she was able to get her associates degree in paralegal studies. This allowed her to work at the law firm and work a 9-5 job. Up until last year she was satisfied at the firm and decided to go back to do electrical engineering. Electric engineering was a man’s world and she wanted to show the patriarchy that she had a bigger dick than all of them.
Her family still referred to her as she and her, whereas the people at their job referred to them as Mx. Bennett, or they/them. Rue’s co-worker were mostly straight and gay men but they didn’t make Rue feel uncomfortable. There were a few women at the job, also paralegals and very passive aggressive. Lawyers at the firm were mostly stressed out caffeinated Ivy leaguers paying back student loans or trust fund babies who just worked to party.
Rue’s best friends at work kept her sane on the bad days. Rocky, named after Rocky Balboa, a proud black gay man who was also a paralegal who watched a lot of Drag Race and dreamed of moving to New York. Rocky’s relationship with his biological family was turbulent and only corresponded with his cousin and brother. Rue was proud to be part of his made family and Rocky supported Rue’s sober lifestyle as he was allergic to alcohol and recreationally smoked weed. He opted taking them to drag bingo, drag brunches, and various LGBT fundraisers.
James, a lawyer, was one of the trust fund babies but Rue befriended him once she learned that he was transgender and was able to bond on taking hormones daily. James’ was his parent’s only child and they accepted him fairly easily and made sure he got the best surgeries to complete his transition once he was 19 years old. With James she attended the LA Kings NHL games and tried to become a sports fan.
Rue knew grandkids may not come from her but she thought there was more time. More time for her family to heal from the past, and more time to make up for the pain she caused. Until then, she worked on achieving new goals. Her apartment being one of her favorite achievements, the one bedroom apartment was fully furnished and semi-luxurious.
Rue lucked out with a deal because the owner of the apartment complex was a member of Rues Narcotics Anonymous group and followed Rue’s journey and was rooting for her. Key features included a walk-in closet, a rain shower and a balcony that she can smoke on.
After Rue moved out she wasn’t 100% truthful about her addiction. Sure she stayed away from pills and alcohol but her addictive personality made her susceptible to other things. The first month, she was running almost head first into a sex addiction until she caught herself.
She had worried if she was asexual as a teenager but it turns out a shit ton of drugs just dulled her sexual needs. After getting healthy and putting on weight, her sex drive came back and while living with her mom she didn’t really pursue anyone other than her right hand. Once in her apartment, she had relations mostly with women and even a few men over to satisfy the sexual urge to hump anything. She even dared send her own dick pics to her prospects, which impressed the shit out of people. With her frame, she was packing an impressive dick and after Jules and Elliot she definitely learned to use it. Telling Ali was humiliating and he just laughed for five minutes straight.
“You finally got there huh?” her sponsor said through laughter.
This made Rue frown and wonder why she just couldn’t live. She always believed she would die young, that she would overdose and leave this world. Now an avid smoker that very much may become her reality with the amount she smokes in a week. Rue knew smoking was a disgusting habit, so she invested heavily in her hygiene. This included; brushing her teeth three times a day, monthly teeth whitening, showering twice a day and washing her hair twice a week. For extra measure she tried to wash her hands every time she smoked because it could turn off girls if Rue decided to talk to them.
After obsessing over sex and becoming a smoker, Rue turned into another more socially accepted addiction-working out. After NA, she impulsively signed up for a weekend run with a few of the members and loved the bliss it gave. From then on, Rue watched videos on YouTube on beginning a fitness journey. Rue followed a strict routine:
4 am: Wake up and wash her face, eat a bowl of Honey bunches of Oats.
4:30 am: Do Yoga and Run 2 miles
5:30-6:00 am: Come home and do 10 mins ab routine
6:30 am: Shower and eat second breakfast, which consists of fruit and a protein shake
7:00-7:30 am: Get dressed and ready for work
8:00 am: Arrive at work
After work she ran another 2 miles, with a 10 minute upper body workout. This routine definitely stemmed from her OCD but as long as she didn’t rule her, it was fine.
On Monday and Fridays she attends NA meetings. She still met up with Ali every other Monday. On Wednesdays she met with her sponsee, Mallory. On Sunday afternoons, she talked to her therapist. Rue honestly felt proud of herself and that wasn’t something she said often. At 24 years old, she didn’t feel like a fuck up and someone who her family can now look at with pride.
That feeling of accomplishment dimmed, when Gia and Ashtray announced their pregnancy at the dinner. Rue knew it really wasn’t a competition because if it was a competition between them, then Gia would have needed to overdose and she was thankful to be the only addict, but she wanted her sister to at least have a heavy party faze that didn’t just last freshman year. That she would let get of some of the trauma of her teen years.
Rue also knows that when her mom said she was dedicating her life to Gia, this wasn’t what she had in mind. Leslie Bennett wanted Gia to be a lawyer, doctor, hell even a teacher before she was married and having a child to call her grandma when Gia was barely 20 was not on her bingo card.
Instead of retreating within, Rue made a vow to support Gia anyway she could. Nini Rue would be a Nini then how she was as a sister. When Ashtray disappeared, this was her moment to rise up. Her routine wasn’t severely interrupted but she was able to show how supportive she could be. When Ashtray and Fezco came back, the inadequacies started whispering in her head.
On her next run she wore her dad’s hoodie and pushed her personal record until she could feel her lungs burn. In. Out. In. Out. Sweat dripped in their eyes and Rue flinched from the burn. Is she meant to have a family? Maybe she should just leave? Her skin crawled and her brain craved for some release. Running a hand in hair, she started back on her run. Making a detour she stopped at the O’Neil store to grab a pack of smokes. Walking into the store, she grabbed a pack of Newports from behind the counter and a lighter.
“Yo you can’t come behind the counter” Fez pushed her shoulder gently.
“Yeah yeah, your brother fucked my sister so in my mind it’s a family business” Rue deflected. She put $20 on the counter and walked out the door wanting to feel the nicotine.
“Whatever take your shit and go”
Fiddling with the Newports, she managed to put one in her mouth until she jolted when a smaller body bumped into hers.
“Look where-“ A pointed voice started to say until it stopped short. The smell of expensive perfume with a hint of vanilla filled her senses, her eyes met the sharp ones of
Maddy Perez.
“My bad Maddy.” Rue stopped and looked at the small girl. It’s been a minute since she saw her and was shocked she still resided in East Highland. Maddy definitely was smart and went to school for architecture, and took various courses for interior design. At least that was what she got from her conversations with Lexi, which was told from Cassie. It took a while but Cassie and Maddy were cool again. Cassie went to therapy and worked through her insecurities and need to please every man she was with even if it debased everything she believed in.
She didn’t judge too harshly because she was a drug addict and manipulated the fuck out of everyone, and had her own apology tour after. Gia being the first person on that tour. Mechanically she flicked the lighter and sparked the cigarette.
“Rue!” Maddy said excitedly and jumped on her toes to hug the taller girl. Rue held the cigarette behind her back carefully so as not to accidentally burn her and hugged her back.
“How’s it going? It’s been a while” Rue shocked herself with how normal her voice sounded. “You finish school?”
The nicotine lulled the urge to find something stronger to calm herself. Pulling away, Rue dragged her eyes down Maddy’s outfit and it hugely contrasted to her big sweaty T-shirt and basketball shorts. The Latina wore a denim cropped jacket and denim mini shorts with heels. Her dark hair clipped up, with curled dark strands framing her face. The effort she knew Maddy put into herself slightly made her feel ashamed with her appearance. The woman was as gorgeous as she was in high school and the confidence she seemed to possess made her more attractive.
“Yeah, that was a waste of time. Still had to come back to this shit hole, but I’m figuring it out. How are you? You good and shit?” Maddy brushed her dark hair behind her ear with her shimmery powder blue manicured nails, revealing a tattoo behind her ear. It was a black crown with some grey shading. Something about the action started to turn Rue on.
“I’m surviving, same as you, just trying to figure it out. I was on my run but I needed a cigarette” With an amused smile, Rue waved her hand to highlight the cigarette in her hand. The smell of the smoke lingered around them.
“Isn’t that almost like defeating the purpose of the run?” Maddy questioned, furrowing her brows. This question Rue pondered multiple times on her runs but exercise , therapy and smoking was the only thing keeping her on track.
“I mean, I tried vaping and the patch, but that led to the worst panic attack I had in a while. So I’ll just stick to smoking.” Rue inhaled the fag and observed Maddy shift her heels, leading to her having filthy thoughts while staring at her legs. Warning signs went off in her head as she felt herself getting hard.
“It was great seeing you. Look, Gia is having a birthday party. I’ll send you the invite and maybe you can pull up. The Howard’s are going to be there and Cass said y’all were cordial but it’ll mean a lot to G if you’re there.”
“Fuck yeah, I’ll be there”. Maddy smiled showing off her cute little dimples and waved as she walked into the store. Rue turned around and watched her walk away finishing off the cigarette. Maddy Perez. In her high school, her drug haze and depression distanced her from the girls. It was hard to relate to them but after sobering up, she realized just how much she missed.
Rue put out the cigarette on the curb and started jogging back towards her apartment. With the blood pumping now pumping to her heart and penis, she pushed her legs to bring her home. Opening the door to the apartment, she quickly closed it and pulled her sweaty shirt off, nearly tripping over her ottoman. With each step, a new item of clothing was removed until Rue stumbled into the bathroom. Tearing the scrunchie out her head, her brown waves came tumbling down.
Turning on the faucet for a shower, Rue didn’t even wait for the water to warm up and stepped in to let the cool water run down her back. Closing her eyes, she let the water sooth out all the emotions that ran through her. Much to Rue's shock, being attracted to Maddy Perez was far from what she expected from this day. Why would God, if she was in the sky, make her attracted to her now? Those shimmering eyes, and cute lips that she wanted to kiss. Rue groaned, as she felt her dick salute her.
Grazing her hand on her long thick dick, she let out a shaky breath. The pink tip leaking precum from the slit. The forbidden thought of masturbating to her friend, both shaming and pleasurable forming a heat.
Fuck It.
Resting her head on the cool tile and she spread her wetness down her dick. Grabbing her erect member, she licked her lips and focused on the attractive petite girl. She imagined she was in the shower with Maddy moaning her name. Looking at her with desperate eyes, mascara running down her face. Imaging girls perky breasts on the display under the mist of the shower.
The picture of Maddy’s pink lips open and wrapped around her cock. The idea of the girl submitting to her, made her increase the speed. In the throes of pleasure she paused to push her hair off her face. Spitting in her hand she continued again. The groans released from her mouth echoed in the bathroom sounding absolutely immoral.
Dreaming of Maddy’s wet warm sinful mouth around her cock, fighting to take her down her throat.
“Fuck” she swore. God why did this feel so good?
Rue feeling her dick twitch in her hand, the euphoric feeling of orgasm coming over her, she spurted hard on the wet tile of her shower.
“Shit!” Remembering to do the thinking work behind masturbation, remembering she is worthy of having a crush and worthy of arousal.
Once in a good headspace, Rue completed her shower. Looking into the mirror, 24 year old Rue looked much happier than 17 year old Rue. Her radiant butterscotch skin no longer looked waxy and dull from effect of the drugs. Wavy brown locks that still curled in different directions didn’t feel like straw and had a healthy luster to it. She took pride in her hair as it reached hip length, her swapping hairstyle between two French braids and buns. When she begged Gia enough, her sister would do stylized cornrows.
Working out also did wonders to their physique. Rue was very proud of her defined ‘V’ even if the abs aren’t always there. She was grateful for having small breasts. It made it easy to feel comfortable in their body. Honestly, she was pretty and handsome, therapy has also did wonders for her self confidence.
She just wondered if love was for her.