Chapter Text
He swore to God, but the prayer only echoed with an unintelligible noise in his ears. Everything around him: faith, love, duties, responsibility – seemed to be a lie in his eyes, an admixture that made him sick.
Pathetic loneliness as the meaning of existence only makes him rot inside, corroding himself into pieces, necessarily slowly, necessarily painfully, because all this: loneliness, fear, envy – a separate kind of torture, which he probably deserved. Self-torture to the point of trembling in the knees, to the pain in the fingers and to the metallic taste in the mouth. On the one hand, it is the easiest way to destroy all life in yourself (if there is at least something left inside), on the other hand, it is the most painful of all. The whole world seems like an illusion, because if it turned out to be reality, Tadashi would have to cry.
If Yamaguchi had been asked what life tasted like, he would have answered without hesitation – blood.
Blood is the taste of a split lip after a "bad fall."
Blood is the taste of disappointment upon returning home. Utter loneliness and silence don't taste like anything, and Yamaguchi is probably ready to put up with it.
Blood is a drop on the tile in the school bathroom, which he stubbornly rubs with his index finger, biting his lip from his own worthlessness.
Looking at his bruised knees and bloody cuticles, Yamaguchi feels like every inch of his life is filled with blood mixed with the salt of unshed tears. He stares at the Instagram photo with envy and clutches the phone in his hand until it hurts.
I wonder when it will all end?
***
Yamaguchi likes Tuesday.
Partly because there is a story in the schedule on this day, but in truth, the main reason is the lack of need to leave the classroom. Sitting in the office for several hours and then going home doesn't seem like a bad idea at all. At least that's what it seems, and Tadashi hopes that it will be.
The guy bites his left cheek until it hurts and exhales softly, looking at his classmates, who all look alike. Otherwise, it's not for him to talk about it. Yamaguchi knows that he hardly stands out in any way. The poisonous "almost" sounds like a sentence, because the only difference from the norm makes you more visible. His freckles are the first thing people notice about him, and feeling the piercing stares looking at his lean body, Tadashi wants to hide. Noticing pity in other people's eyes – disappear.
It all made no sense and looked painfully fake. Other people's smiles and other people's sympathy are what he is used to seeing from day to day. Yamaguchi felt a knot forming in his stomach every time he tried to suppress his nausea. It worked out from time to time, but every time a tremor passed through body.
Tadashi hates it.
The bell rang too suddenly and loudly, causing everyone in the class to jump and go to their seats. Looking down at his open Japanese notes, Yamaguchi sighs softly and frowns slightly, focusing on the bloody hangnail on his finger.
He didn't like school.
High school is not just a place where you get an education. Your personality, your thoughts, your environment – all this is taking shape here, under the cruel gazes of the most serious judges who will not forgive you a single mistake. One wrong step can erase a hundred previous ones, lower them to the very bottom of the social hierarchy, in which the most difficult life test is to survive. They are capable of completely erasing someone's identity, destroying them without the possibility of returning and recovering. Adjusting is the easiest way that does not guarantee security. In fact, even this does not provide someone with a peaceful school life, because if you are unlucky enough to fall out of favor or attract too much attention, you will have to bear this burden.
Unlike middle school, high school is not so cruel, mostly due to the fact that they are no longer children and the burden of responsibility for themselves and their actions is only getting bigger, which means it won't be possible to throw everything at a childish prank. In other ways, their obvious similarity is quite simple – they can turn your life into a real hell.
Yamaguchi knows this better than anyone else, because he has something to compare it with.
Tapping the edge of his notebook with the tip of his pen, Tadashi flinches slightly when he hears an unexpected noise. Lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice the homeroom teacher who had entered the room with the bell. A small man in his thirties began to talk with a smile about the friendly team, the importance of support and mutual respect. Another speech that is mostly spoken at the beginning of the school year or when new students are transferred to the classroom. Yamaguchi doesn't have any of the sentences in his head, and he just blinks stupidly, looking away from the teacher. Tadashi almost immediately stumbles upon a guy unknown to him before. Yamaguchi bats his eyelashes in surprise and looks at his new classmate for a second.
This guy has a satisfied smile on his face, and his head is a complete mess of bleached hair, either thrown back or just tousled. It's not customary for them to dye their hair at school, so Tadashi is very surprised by such a bold appearance by local standards. The guy has a small piercing in his ears, black earrings that looked surprisingly good. His eyes are darting around the classroom, looking at his new classmates, and the guy doesn't even pay attention to the teacher's words. Yamaguchi doesn't take his eyes off him and exhales softly, almost admiringly. The guy's image doesn't fit in with the daily and dreary routine that Yamaguchi was in day after day. A strange knot forms in his stomach, making the guy squirm a little in his chair.
"My name is Terushima Yuji," the teacher finally finishes his long speech, allowing the guy to introduce himself, and Yamaguchi involuntarily flinches when he hears someone else's confident voice. Terushima smiles broadly as he introduces himself to the class, and this smile makes Tadashi's pulse race. "Moved to Miyagi from Tokyo with his parents last week. I'll be glad to meet everyone, let's have some fun together."
An excited wave of whispers immediately sweeps through the classroom. The girls are whispering softly, discussing the newcomer and looking at him with an embarrassed smile. The guys at this time are considering him because of this slightly biased, but interested. Yamaguchi sees how, a few desks away from him, the guys from the soccer team are looking at each other with approval gestures.
"Hush," the teacher claps his hands loudly, attracting the attention of the students and creating silence in the classroom again. "You can get to know each other and discuss everything during the break, but now let's get back to the topic of yesterday's lesson. Terushima, you can take an empty seat at the last desk next to Yamaguchi."
Terushima hums approvingly and nods, taking a step forward, focusing on Yamaguchi. Tadashi feels himself shrink under this gaze, his own place immediately becomes uncomfortable and he looks down at his notes. The distance between their desks is barely more than an outstretched arm, large enough to walk between the rows, but at the same time close enough for a whispered conversation. Surprisingly, his new roommate quietly sits down at his seat and looks around the whole class. Yamaguchi looks at him for a second and immediately regrets it when he meets his eyes. Damn. The smile on someone else's lips instantly spreads, attracting the guy's attention, and Yuji leans forward slightly, propping his cheek with his hand.
"You're Yamaguchi, aren't you?"
Tadashi freezes, not knowing whether to answer such a simple-looking question, but immediately and hesitantly nods, clutching a simple pencil in his hand. All the sounds turn into one big tinnitus. Terushima hums knowingly, looking at the guy with an interested look, and after a second continues:
"Since we're sitting next to each other now, will we be friends?"
Yamaguchi's heart freezes in an instant. Terushima was eerily smiling, which attracted and scared at the same time, because it was unacceptable to think about it. Tadashi looks down at his notes, just to avoid looking into someone else's brown eyes, and frowns, making a random line on the paper with a pencil. Being friends is not an acceptable luxury. The guy decided a long time ago not to try to make friends here, but just finish his studies for the remaining year and a half and go to Tokyo. Yamaguchi knows all too well all the charms and disadvantages of the social hierarchy within the school framework. It works quite primitive, but nevertheless effective, one mistake lowers to the bottom, and one achievement raises half a step up. He knows that here he is nothing more than an awkward admixture, which is scary to touch because of the possible consequences and easier to ignore than to try to fix. He is a rotting residue after contact with poison, something that cannot be touched, something that you do not want to change. And Yamaguchi knows that he and Yuji are equally dangerous to each other.
"For me...it seems like a bad idea."
The only thing Yamaguchi squeezes out of himself is feeling Terushima's uncomprehending gaze on him. All this: detachment and avoidance are a sophisticated way to escape, to survive in the current situation, in which everyone can turn out to be an enemy. Fewer acquaintances means fewer problems.
Resistance to the system is useless, acceptance is a natural outcome.
The result is always the same, but the illusion of security, skipping the hated stages and instant adaptation, gives peace and tranquility in such a miserable life.
Yuji hums softly, doing it for the umpteenth time in a few minutes, and Tadashi mistakes this action for a stupid but rather funny habit. The mumbling makes Yamaguchi look at the guy for a second, and the guy with a wide smile, as if a couple of seconds ago he was not denied friendship, said:
"Then what about hang out? You're the only one I've met. I promise I won't bother you."
Yamaguchi hesitates and feels the tip of the pencil break on the paper, as if his confidence is following the words of the guy next to him. Terushima is the first one who tries so hard to talk to him. Tadashi doesn't know why or why, because he himself can easily understand that Yuji is not the kind of person who will have problems with new acquaintances. Everyone is usually drawn to people like him at once, like moths to the light. He doesn't need to make friends with someone like Yamaguchi, except to laugh afterwards. Although somewhere deep down the guy hopes that maybe all this is nonsense and Terushima sincerely wants to get to know him.
"It won't get any worse," Yamaguchi thinks, looking down. You shouldn't put too much hope in this, in any case, already at recess, the guy will be surrounded by their classmates and Terushima will forget about him in an instant. Consent is just a way to get rid of this guy as soon as possible.
"Just hang out?," Yamaguchi looks towards Terushima and catches his expectant gaze. This guy is very strange. "Well…"
Terushima rather stretches his lips into a smile, to which Yamaguchi awkwardly reflects this gesture. It turned out to be very awkward and stupid, more like a strained smile out of politeness, but Yuji apparently didn't even pay attention to it, or pretended not to notice. Terushima leans back in his chair, continuing to watch Yamaguchi, even when he turns away, it seems strange, because the guy does not say another word and just looks occasionally at the blackboard with the teacher. Tadashi feels this gaze too clearly and for some reason cannot ignore it. It seems to him that Terushima is looking at his freckles and he immediately wants to disappear. In rare moments when Yuuji was distracted, the guy looked at his face uncertainly: he carefully studied the profile, earrings in his ears, bleached hair that was neatly shaved at the back of his head, or lips that stretched into half smiles from quiet grins, although most often, with a frequency of a couple of minutes, the guy turned something in his mouth without stopping playing with this of language.
"Hey."
Yamaguchi shudders, tearing his gaze away from someone else's grin and accidentally meets Terushima's gaze. He rests his head on his hand, leaning on the desk with his elbow. He clearly saw the way Tadashi was staring. The guy wanted to quickly apologize and justify himself, but he didn't have time. Yuji pointedly sticks out his tongue, from which Yamaguchi quietly exhales, not expecting this in any way and not understanding what is going on in this guy's head. Terushima is grinning softly in front of him, obviously pleased with someone else's reaction, and only now does Tadashi notice the metal ball in someone else's language, which he has been chasing in his mouth all this time. Piercing.
In addition to the pierced ears, this guy could boast of another puncture, which was quite daring compared to the previous ones. Yamaguchi swallows uncertainly, not daring to look away. He looks at the new classmate's face, then at his tongue, and realizes that he can't squeeze out a single decent answer. Terushima, in turn, moves his tongue in different directions, as if it means nothing, and it is at this moment that Tadashi understands the whole situation. He abruptly turns his head to the other side, pretending to look out the window, so as not to look into someone else's brown eyes, so that someone else's eyes would not see his own embarrassment. A soft laugh can be heard behind him, not malicious or mocking at all, on the contrary, pleased, slightly carefree and, Yamaguchi is sure, hoarse. Heart stops for a second.
Terushima doesn't say anything, even if he didn't have time to – at the same second the bell rang to announce the end of the lesson. As Tadashi expected, the guy is immediately surrounded by their classmates, they talk intermittently, creating noise and rushing to meet the newcomer. In all this mess, Yuji's voice is clear and joyful, he laughs, jokes, gets to know each other, as expected, completely forgetting about his neighbor. Yamaguchi is only sitting at the next desk, but he feels how different their worlds are. He sees this invisible line of their statuses, which seems impossible to cross, and now, hearing other people's excited voices behind his back, he realizes that he was right from the very beginning. This is just another reminder. Yamaguchi feels a lump rising in his throat, and there is a metallic taste in his mouth from biting his cheek too hard. He knows that this is how it was and will be, in this place of social inequality, the one who survives is the one who is most adapted to these conditions and knows what needs to be done to maintain status, others can only adapt and adjust to the set conditions. Yamaguchi bound himself in these ill-fated chains, deciding to adjust and escape, continuing to pretend that this would help or save. Self-deception only allows you to exhale calmly at times. Avoiding problems is the best way out in a situation where you don't have the opportunity to win, and survival is a priority. Friendship with Terushima is not an acceptable luxury, something more is an impossible dream that Tadashi keeps silent about, digging his nails into the pads of his palms.
He promised never to think about it again.
Only his cheeks turn treacherously red from just thinking, and his heart breaks out of her chest. Terushima Yuji is a real danger.