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"I hate that stupid guy," Vector said, lying upside down on Yuma's (technically his) bed. Yuma's mouth moved to say something, but Vector put out his hand, attempting to get Yuma to stop. Which, he did, though it didn't stop the glare that Vector knew all too well: stop being mean about people. Which Vector supposed was fair, but this was a different type of hate. "He's just… Too nice."
"Like that's a bad thing," Yuma said, pretty sarcastically. Vector pouted, watching as Yuma's mouth turned upwards into a smile. Because, of course, Yuma would say that's a good thing. Because that's just who Yuma was. A guy who probably should be far more careful about the people he hands his kindness out to.
(Vector quickly moved from the bed to Yuma's lap, surprising his partner briefly. He didn't take much stock in the reaction, though, as he was far more concerned with killing a train of thought well before it arrived at misery town's station. Because thinking about Yuma's kindness and its limits just made Vector think about how much he took advantage of it. How he manipulated it to get what he wanted and yet Yuma still had more to spare. For Vector, of all people.
(They were not thoughts Vector wanted to deal with while also navigating feelings.)
"It's a bad thing for me!" he whined instead, curling up on Yuma's lap like a stray cat finding comfort in a human. "Alito's your boyfriend, not mine."
Yuma gave a slight chuckle to that as Vector gripped his white tee, pulling himself closer and deeper into Yuma's general person. His hands, that were usually so cold, started to warm up as Yuma enveloped them with his own. Quietly, Vector continued, "He's too nice… Too pretty, too kind, too stupid… Too… Vulnerable," Vector said, his voice practically on par with a mouse in terms of volume. He gripped Yuma's shirt tigher for support in an attempt to stabilize his grinding teeth and endlessly shaking body. The conversation reminded him of two weeks ago, and try as he might, Vector just couldn't forget the emotions from then.
Vector had another nightmare.
He didn't even know why he tried sleeping at night anymore.
He turned to face the alarm clock on his bedside. Two thirty am; the middle of the night where no one was awake. The time of night that he dreaded the most when he pulled all-nighters. He didn't have friends back then, but he didn't live alone initially. People were up at eleven pm, or even midnight. They made noise and talked about shit that did not matter in the slightest, but it was loud and distracting. But past midnight they would all be conscious of the time and quiet down. Most slept. The ones that didn't wanted nothing to do with Vector. And as the clock ticked closer to three, the temporarily relief from those distractions had all but dissipated; and even those unwilling to hear Vector out had shut their eyes and fallen asleep.
When three am hit, Vector was always alone. And that was terrifying.
Now, though, it was slightly different. Yuma, although normally passed out in his hammock at this time, was more than willing to be shook awake by Vector in a panic. And he would never be mad, never offended, never show that he would much rather Vector had fucked off outside and kicked a car like Nasch and Merag would've. But even Vector knew that Yuma was human. And humans grew tired of routine. And his nightmares were routine.
He dreaded the idea of Yuma leaving because of this.
Bracing for the idea of wandering alone in the cold of Heartland's nights, Vector threw on a jacket and a pair of sweatpants that Yuma's grandmother had bought for him. He also had, thankfully, kept a pair of shoes suited for outside in his room, specifically for the worse case scenario of needing to run away. And this was close to that, Vector found himself thinking as he opened the sole window in his room. Yuma's room, actually, but he had been sleeping in the attic for years, this room was practically the guest room at this point. Though, Vector realized as the window physically stopped him from opening it any further, it seemed to have been modified for him. The window's opening was enough for a breeze, but not at all the size of any human's body. A safety lock. They cared.
Why.
The option of the front door still existed, but that was risky. People would wake up from that. Not Yuma – he was too far away and far too heavy of a sleeper – but one of Yuma's family members. The sister was a coin toss – she might be up but too busy working to notice, or she's up and able to stop Vector from wandering outside with no real plan – but the grandmother was almost guaranteed to hear him. But he also didn't want to stay in his room, the four walls suddenly feeling as if they were closing in on him, confining him to a life of solitude… That's the punishment for a cruel prince, no? A merciless punishment for one who spared none for his victims. A confinement so horrifying that his own madness would kill him…
Vector needed alcohol. Immediately.
Lifting himself off from the floor, he made his way to the stairs, taking them as quickly as he could while hiding the sounds of his descent. Vector was use to being small; invisible; nothing. Everyone in that fucking household wanted him gone. And he would get off from the landing, finding himself running into who knows. Maybe it was Mizael who cringed at the mere sight of Vector – disheveled; exhausted; scared – and turned around as if his only existence was that of a stain. Or maybe it was Girag, who would shoot him a glance over the fridge door, simply because he could tell someone else was there and he technically shouldn't be feeding strays, especially not at night, but Durbe was less likely to tell him off than he was to tell Vector to stop.
To just stop. Vector didn't even know what he wanted to stop, until Nasch kicked him out in the midst of recovering from a panic attack, one that had been violent. One that made Vector realize it was all of him that Durbe had meant. He wasn't welcomed there, he had realized as Nasch had essentially dropped him at Yuma's doorstep like a broken, discarded sofa. "Deal with him," he had said (Vector wasn't sure of his exact words, he wasn't sure of much at that moment, actually), and to Yuma's credit, he did more than just "deal" with Vector.
But it still made him feel as if he didn't matter.
"Stay safe out there," a voice said, causing Vector to freeze. There was no one here. Why was someone talking to him? And it wasn't Yuma, he slept like a rock…
"I didn't mean to surprise you, I just needed some tea and noticed you. You're welcome to join me for a cup." A wave of relief flooded over Vector, crashing with the knowledge that he will feel guilt over this in due time.
"N-no, I'm fine, thank you," Vector managed, trying to shy away from the gentle hand that Haru had placed on his back. "I'll…" He bit his tongue. He really didn't intend to stay safe. "I'll be fine."
"You better be," Haru said with a laugh. Playful as always, Vector noted as she lightly shoved him forward. "Tea with me is always an option, don't you forget. It would be a pleasure having a cup or two with you. Or did you take after Yuma and find tea 'vile?'"
Vector fidgeted, not at all sure what to respond with, before hearing a reassuring chuckle.
"Oh don't let this old lady keep you up, we can talk whenever you're ready. Keep in touch please — Yuma would be devastated if you got hurt."
All he could respond to that was with an awkward little wave, one that made him feel so, so pathetic. It made him question himself as he shot sneaking glances at Haru, who stood there like she wanted to be there, if he should even leave. She never questioned if Vector wanted to stay, even as he made himself so vulnerable in the space between the cruel, uncaring outside world and the safe haven that the Tsukumo household was supposed to be.
So he left. Because at least he knew how cruel the outside world could be.
They must've fallen asleep. Or, actually, Vector realized as he blinked away the blurriness of Yuma's room, he fell asleep. Yuma, somehow, got his phone out and… Okay, actually, what the hell was Yuma even doing?
Vector sighed, pulling himself up using the arm that Yuma had loaned as a pillow and shoved his face in empty space that was there. Oh of course he was dueling. Duh.
"Ah," Vector said plainly. "You're dead."
Yuma — who, if he was shocked by Vector suddenly interjecting, wasn't showing it at all — just breathed out his nose as he pouted. "Well, yeah. But I didn't lose without a fight!" And quietly, after some time had passed, he spoke again. "It was still damage…"
Vector watched as the final digits of Yuma's life points read zero and the loss screen came into view. Shortly after, a hologram projection of Kotori grinning ear to ear materialized. "Oh hey, that was actually fun!" A pause. Vector rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as Kotori continued. "And you woke Vector up, good job."
"Not intentionally! Agh, glad you had fun though! I gotta go, thank you!"
The two hung up as Vector attempted to untangle himself from Yuma, wondering how he even managed to drape some limbs in the way that he did, but those thoughts were quickly dismissed as a comforting hand was placed on his shoulder, sending the entirely opposite message to Vector's brain than what was intended. He flinched. He actually barely even registered that he had flinched, or even why he would have. The nap left him disoriented, making Vector feel as if he was…
Was…
"Vector?"
Wasn't actually…
Before his brain could fish the complete thought from his abyss of self-loathing, Vector found himself only able to really make out the teal fibers of Yuma's shirt. A strong embrace held him there, still as Vector could be with his body succumbing to violent shakes. And a voice softer than the breeze, but strong enough to shake the foundations of self-hatred Vector had built for himself, spoke:
"It's okay, we can talk about it when you're ready."
Vector looked at everything but Alito.
There were many reasons for this, actually. Like the fact that Alito was still aligned with the rest of the stupid… Household. They weren't emperors anymore but whatever, that still pissed him off. And being Yuma's other boyfriend pissed Vector off. On top of..
"Here," Alito said, somewhat shoving a bottle in Vector's face.
On top of the fact he's nice.
Vector untwisted the cap, realizing that he was thirsty, actually. He had denied it initially — mostly out of not wanting to be indebted to Alito in this moment — but it was hard when people pitied tear-stricken loser boys like Vector. And it sure was easy for —
"What the fuck is this?" Vector said as he tried to recover from a coughing fit. He heard traces of Alito chuckling at his misery, the stupid little laugh he does when Yuma says something cute but awkward, and Vector understood all at once. "You're a fucking ass."
Alito went silent at that.
"It was a sports drink," he said after some amount of silence. The usual flirtatious tone in his voice had disappeared, making Vector's heart hurt in a way it hasn't in years. "You lose a lot of salt crying, so this was to help you feel better. Should've warned you though, it's… An acquired taste, for sure." The laugh at the end of his felt half-assed in a particular way. The way when you truly meant well, but didn't know if the other would accept it.
Part of an apology.
Someone apologized to Vector.
He must've been crying, Vector realized, as Alito had panicked to find some sort of towel and stumbled through an "are you okay?" To which Vector answered no. He was absolutely positively assured that he was not okay.
And Vector knew that the Alito who had lived at the Fucker's (Nasch — but he didn't deserve a name at this point anymore) house would've taken that to give a halfhearted "feel better" and leave. Or maybe it was the vibes that Fucker's house gave off, since Alito was in front of Vector still, his eyes staring straight at Vector, who was perpetually flinching from the attention. "Seriously. Are you okay? Do you want to…" he trailed off, shifting his gaze away from Vector, before entirely turning on his side, placing his elbow on the knee he just raised and comically sighing. "Look. I… Fuck. You're staying with Yuma right now, and we're both dating him. And he'd mope around if I left you crying in here, so I feel… Somewhat obligated to help you out here. But also. Fucking hell man I've never seen you look so vulnerable in the time I've known you. It feels weird — not having you insult me for every little thing."
Tapping his fingers on the hardwood floor, Vector thought on how to phrase a response to that. He had talked to Yuma about this some, given that Yuma was there during the worst of it, and was also a victim. But Yuma wasn't the same type of victim.
Yuma was a victim of Vector, and thus was a victim of Don Thousand, by proxy. Alito, however, was.
Deciding that dropping the topic of Vector being usually snarky to everyone he met (though it took a lot to do so, since it really did feel like, no matter how hard he tried, the snark wouldn't disappear), Vector looked Alito straight in the eye and ripped the band-aid off.
"What did Don Thousand do to you?"
At some point throughout the week, Vector had managed to tell Yuma part of his feelings towards Alito. Not all of it, since Vector found it far too nerve wracking to talk about, but at the very least, he confessed to the crush. Which, of course, made Yuma happy. And to be fair, it took a lot to make Yuma upset at someone (which Vector had experienced! He hated that he'd managed to find those conditions), but something about it happening again reassured Vector. That Yuma, at the very least, was a stable enough foundation in his life for Vector to try doing other things.
Plus, Vector realized as he sat awkwardly next to Yuma on the roof for lunch, that he didn't have much of his own relationships. Kotori — bless her heart — tried, but it was definitely more of a friendship that only existed in Yuma's presence. The other three that had always been around Yuma — god if Vector knew their names other than annoying, annoying-er, and less annoying unless he's in love — had tolerated Vector a bit, but he didn't even register their presence much. He supposed "less annoying unless he's in love" — wow he really had to ask Yuma for that guy's name, or hope to god someone said it — would be one of the better options, given how he tended to use sarcasm in a way that felt kinder than Vector's previous usages. Except, every time that guy talked, Vector would always find himself cringing in a way that only made sense to him. Because he would say that, at some point, but not in a lighthearted way, but in a dead serious, "I absolutely despise you and want to list reasons so I can kill you reasonably" way. III didn't give him that issue though, Vector quickly segued his thoughts too, trying to push the other thoughts occupying his brain away. He didn't invite them, go the fuck away, he was not about to tell Yuma his friends sucked. Besides, III at least…
Vector had no idea what III's deal was.
He sighed quietly, sipping the last of his juice from the box as Yuma screeched because someone decided the fact he was as bad at math was a universal constant.
Vector really didn't have any of his own relationships, that much was true. He also couldn't really make any of his own… At least, not in the way that Yuma could. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Yuma stand up with a comically large onigiri, claiming that he's at least competent at math, to which Tetsuo (who was "annoying when not in love," thanks Kotori for saying his name) responded with "if your idea of being competent is on par with a second grader's? Then sure, you're competent," which got III to chime in that math didn't really matter much, "unless that's the best way to wound your opponent's ego, then sure, he's not competent at that." And they all laughed. Because it wasn't mean. They weren't trying to insult Yuma in a way that wounded him. Yuma was fine with this. Yuma engaged with this, willingly. He knew his friends did this, he knew what the result would be, he was fine with that.
(Meanwhile, Vector knew that if he joined in, there would be too many issues that would result in him running away. Jumping off the building. Pushing himself off the goddamn roof. Killing someone. He couldn't take "fun jokes" like that as fun jokes… He didn't want to imagine this, but it just happened. Vector put himself in Yuma's situation at this very moment. Because that was easy, Vector also sucked at school. Worse than Yuma! And no one ever brought that up, because what if he never showed up? What if that pushed Vector to run away and cry and pick up a knife or something? And then he'd be a mess, everyone would be a worried mess, and the Fucker would definitely say "served him right" and gladly run him over with his stupid motorcycle. And then what? He died trying to get better? Like some sort of pathetic idiot?
He could practically imagine Don Thousand laughing as he fell down into hell.)
…Hell.
Wasn't that where angels fell to? Hell?
Vector's face flushed. He tried to cover it up, deciding the best way to do so was to drink the air left by the juice box, but that just caused him to actually choke and make everyone stop. Someone hit his back so he could hopefully breathe better. Everyone asked if he was okay. He said he was, even if Vector knew that was a lie. Okay, not fully a lie, he was physically okay. But he didn't know about emotionally right now. Especially with everyone around him, blocking most of his view… He knew it was because they were concerned. Because he was literally choking and that could mean death. But his mind told him — because of course it did, Vector's mind fucking hated him — that they hated him. They where staring him down so he couldn't run away. They were going to confront him, whoever was hitting his back was just stopping him from being able to leave. They were here, weapons in hand, going to…
Hell was not a kind place.
Most people knew that already, most people including Vector, but there was some sort of adage that went along the lines of implying that it could be, if one were to end up there enough times for its familiarity to be oddly comforting. And to be honest, Vector wished that was the case for him, to the point he would routinely get on his knees and seep into the underworld's ecosystem, becoming nothing more than nourishment for other beings that could do his job of living far better.
But once more, Hell was not a kind place.
And even that kindness was one far outside of its scope.
Vector found himself forced along a path, one that would not stop no matter how many times he took no action to proceed. He would simply lay there, in the mud, nothing mattering because he was nothing more than a pawn in the game of chess piloted by someone who never once had anyone's best interest in mind. But, if he was allowed to be selfish, at least the grand master was far kinder to the others, Vector noted. Because he found himself staring at vast nothingness, over and over again, in mud that was only mud because he deemed it such, contemplating how he would classify himself. A "sky" was easy to identify. A sky stood above him, an area he could never reach, because "sky" was synonymous with "heaven," and "heaven" had denied his existence from birth. "Mud" or "dirt" or whatever you wanted to call it, similarly, was easy enough to point to. He's in it. It's beneath him, but in a way that the tables could be turned as such that it's above him, but not a "sky" because it was finite in its suffocation.
"Vector," on the other hand, had no definitive like "sky" or "dirt." "Vector" could be "The Cruel Prince" who engaged in warfare for the sheer joy of it all. The prince who killed his own father, because his own father wanted him dead and his mother would rather die than see her son die in front of her. Which made Vector as he was now, laugh. Would she still be glad she stood in front of that blade, centuries later? Would she have still given her life for a son who would do nothing but throw it away later?
…
He mustn't think of the possibilities of that. At all.
Propping himself up into a sitting position, Vector watched the passing by scenery more intently. It was bland when he arrived here, but bland trees that he could count the number of leaves on each branch until his mind descended into madness was far more appealing than the alternative: contemplating the self. And so of course, he wasn't allowed to pass this dream via boredom induced madness.
"Yuma-kun!"
The shrill of his own voice, pitched higher to conceal all the deceit he left right on the table, pierced through Vector like an arrow close to the heart.
Because shooting him right through the heart wouldn't leave him alive to witness the worst of it all.
"Yuma-kun, I have a surprise for you! Here, a present for you~! A sign of our friendship — I talked to the other Barian Police to get this just for you. They really found your trust in me commendable. Oh! Just don't let Astral know. Remember, we're trying to hide from the other Barians, Astral'll just blow our cover. But rest assured! I'm your best bud, Shingetsu Rei, and I swear your contribution will do nothing but help you and Astral out in the long run."
I'm your best bud, I'm Lying, and I swear your contribution will do nothing but help you and Astral out in the long run.
Vector wanted nothing more but to die at that very moment.
And of course, Hell never prided itself on being any semblance of kind.
"He made the one I loved the most suffer."
Alito sat there, the expression on his face grim. Vector didn't give any indication of a response to it, knowing all too well this was just par for the curse with Don Thousand. That was his way of getting them to do his bidding, after all.
Make them all suffer so much that they willingly swear revenge on the world.
And with quivering lips, Alito recounted his version of that to Vector, as the moon's glow weakened as the hours passed.
"There was this prince whom I loved… He was the kindness person I've ever met, wanting nothing but the best for his people. And he was fair, never once leveraging his power for his own gain.
"And on the day we were supposed to challenge each other to a fair fight… The prince that I had loved disappeared." Alito's head turned towards the door in the room, a look of longing taking over every other emotion that had once been present. "Thanks to Yuma, I know now that he was never there that day, but it doesn't change centuries of hatred and anguish I held onto… It doesn't change the fact that I doubted the very man that I loved…"
A part of Vector's stomach churned. He understood that tactic all too well. Saragasso was the culmination of asking Yuma if he doubted Shingetsu; if he had doubted Vector himself. We're friends, right, Yuma-kun? You know I'd never lie to you, right? Because I trust you, Yuma. We're friends. Friends trust each other.
After all, you have no reason to doubt me! I'm just silly old Shingetsu, your pal! I'm just a friend, so come on, don't listen to Astral — he doesn't get you like I do.
Right, Yuma-kun?
He must've missed something Alito said after that, Vector realized as Alito's rather grim expression changed to that of a man in a field of nothing but blooming, thriving sunflowers. The radiance wasn't as intense as Yuma's had always been, but something about a far softer light that Vector could handle visually… Made him unable to handle it even more than Yuma's.
"But it's not like I'll bring him back to life by hating Don Thousand on the daily — though" — his expression shifted back, just for a second, to that of pure hatred — "it doesn't mean I forgive him. I just think the best I can do right now is be the man I loved the most, since I'm still alive and he isn't."
"Easy for you to say," Vector muttered under his breath. It was a knee-jerk reaction, he realized as he curled up into a ball during it. He knew responses like those weren't "collaborative" and "constructive" to "positive interactions" or something like that, but it really felt like the only response he could give there. It was easy for Alito to just. Do that.
Not like Vector could be a person who never existed.
"Vector…?"
The nurse's office.
Despite school being the lowest on his priorities — much to Akari's own annoyance, though Vector couldn't really understand why — this room was definitely familiar. And the scene of Yuma right by his side, well, that was practically part of the nurse's office at this point. No one trusted Vector alone after moments like these. And although "no one" involved the entire group of friends that Yuma had surrounded himself with, Yuma usually was the only one who could stay in the nurse's office for as long as Vector needed. Kotori had tried at times, though according to Yuma, something or whatever caused her to be unable to stay for more than two periods. (Of course, Yuma had tried his best to obscure the fact that teachers thought Vector passing out from frequent panic attacks was just a ploy to get that entire group out of class for the rest of the day, so they banned everyone but Yuma for staying as long as they had used to. And they would've banned Yuma from it too, but because they lived together, the school couldn't do much to stop him.)
(Vector hated knowing this fact despite Yuma, bless his heart, skirting around it as best as he could whenever it came up. It wasn't like he purposely found this out — adults, and really, any person who deemed themselves "better" than Vector, tended to freely talk about him regardless of if he was in earshot or not. Because it's not like they cared about them giving up on him, since to them, Vector was a lost cause from birth.)
(He was, definitely, though, thankful to Yuma for being the opposite to that.)
"Hey…" Vector said, laying down on the bed that had, at one point, been the best bed he had ever slept on.
Yuma, who had one hand navigating his phone and the other over one of Vector's, smiled and stashed his phone away as he squeezed Vector's hand gently. "You okay, Vector?"
The answer was generally "no" and Yuma knew that all too well. So it was never spoken in these moments, just understood and dealt with, all without the need to say the "why" involved. Which involved Yuma's smile softening as his hand brushed Vector's, before lingering at his fingertips and then leaving. "Sorry, it's last period, and I'm failing math," Yuma said with a chuckle. "I —"
"Get a hundred, Yuma," Vector said, cutting him off.
"I — I, I mean," Yuma stammered, looking everywhere but Vector's face. "I'll pass of course! But jeez don't you think that's a little too… High? For me?"
"If you're leaving me for a test, it better be to get a hundred."
That straightened Yuma right up. "Roger that!" And Vector found himself closing his eyes as the late bell sounded, signaling that Yuma had to leave, and that he had to be all alone here… But when Vector greedily opened his eyes to see Yuma off, the boy was still there, leaning forward on the back of the chairs given for visitors. Most definitely noticing that Vector's face scrunched up in confusion, Yuma spoke: "Oh come on, I get to be a little late. Alito's not here yet, so I can't just leave you alone."
Vector squinted at that. "Isn't Alito also failing math?" The two were in the same grade, that much Vector knew.
"Yeah we're kinda… Both failing math." The deadpan delivery of that made Vector chuckle. "But that's why I have to take mine this period. Alito should be done with his by now, and if I get a free pass to stay here with you and Alito, Ukiyo-sensei'll just think Alito gave me the math questions!"
"But III and Kotori aren't here…?"
"I know, right!" A huff came from Yuma. "As if I could cheat that way. They said I could just 'search the answers online' and 'commit them to memory' but why would I do that? It's not a duel combo, I don't need to remember it."
Clearly, you should, Vector thought, but pushed that thought away. He began to sit up, with him leaning against the bed-frame to get comfortable being punctuated by the sliding door being shoved open.
"I hate numbers, Yuma, go, I got this."
Yuma bolted out of his seat, maintaining a jog as he faced Alito. "I'm going to fail, aren't I?" And when Alito nodded in response, Yuma turned to Vector, "Can we modify that promise to 'not fail?'" Vector gave a shrug in response. "I'm going to go cry on a piece of paper now, bye-bye! Alito, take good care of him!"
And he was gone.
Vector tapped his fingers on his leg. Index, middle, ring; index, middle, ring — that was the pattern he got used to when trying to self regulate. Index, middle, ring; all while looking at Alito out of the corner of his eye. Index, middle, ring; all while biting his lip to prevent unwanted words from escaping. Index, middle, ring; all while trying to piece together the words that would convey what he wanted. Index, middle, ring. Index, middle, ring — middle, ring, index; no that was wrong. The pattern fell apart, Vector realized has he dedicated his thoughts away from responding to Alito and instead fixing the order of which his fingers tapped his leg. The index finger was supposed to go first, but every time he told himself that, the ring finger would press down immediately afterwards, skipping the middle finger's role in the sequence. What was wrong with him?
"I don't know who I am."
His calming sequence fixed itself.
Vector sighed, pushing his legs even further up to his chest; curling even more into a ball. He didn't look at Alito, not even once, because he didn't know what expression he was going to make, and to be honest, that scared Vector.
Because of course he talked to Yuma about this; he kind of had to. It was the major reason why he was struggling, and Yuma wanted to help him feel better. But the image he had of the other six former emperors was far more hostile than that of anyone else in Yuma's friend group — immediate or extended. Even the gentlest of them all, Girag, stung when he abandoned Vector. Something about the fact that the kindest of all the emperors, when four of the other six had always been so cold and — minus Durbe — hostile as a whole, just. Left him there… It struck a chord that said "no one ever wants you."
But… As it seemed both Alito and Girag moved out, and Alito was at least being kind… Then. Maybe.
"I've barely existed without Don Thousand… That bastard's been in my life since I was born, there was no me without him.
"I can't even fucking tell which parts of my personality he didn't have a role in, because all I do now is act pathetic and run away and that's still because of that fucker."
To be honest, Vector was expecting Alito to leave at that point. To stand up, tell him he couldn't do anything, and then just show him the door because it was actually Alito's room so leaving Vector in it was the nice option. No one gave him the nice option.
So when he peaked out of that ball he had turned himself into, Vector was shocked to see Alito there, closer. They were less than arm's length at this point, and Alito's hand hovered over Vector's shoulder, seemingly unsure of whether it should even land. And his eyes were kind. Like Yuma's.
"It's whatever," Vector said, shoving himself back into the darkness. "I'm pretty damn sure the best option for me is to fucking die —"
"Vector."
"That's what that entire fucking house wants anyway. And who the fuck could blame them anyway! I fucking hate myself, they fucking hate me, we all share in hating one thing: me! Every single fucking day I spent in that fucking house was hell. I mean, yeah, sure, I did shitty stuff, but I mean, the Fucker and his sister fucking betrayed their friends for you guys and everyone's fucking fine with them. No one hates them because they're fucking perfect I guess! And I'm just here. Existing as nothing more than 'hey at least we aren't Vector!' Like fuck you too, you think I want to be me? I thought 'me' was telling people to fucking die or some shit. Then Yuma says Shingetsu's the real me. Then I come back to life after dying. Nothing's changed. I should've just fucking gone to hell and stayed there. At least that'll be what everyone fucking wants."
His teeth dug into his bottom lip, masking the pain of saying all of that with physical pain so he could just focus on one point of suffering right now. He hadn't expected those words to be what came out of his mouth, not right now at least. To be honest, the lingering thoughts of dying and having stayed dead had gotten stronger, stopped from becoming more fleshed out thoughts because to Vector, the Tsukumo household was a safe haven. It molded to accommodate him and none of them looked out of place. There was always extra silverware for him, ones that matched what everyone else was using. Even when Yuma's parents made the rare trip back home. Even when Yuma's parents made the rare trip back home and Kotori got invited for dinner. There was always room for Vector and it fucking scared him, honestly, but it scared him enough to stop craving death as much in its presence.
So being here with Alito… Of course it all came out.
It wasn't the one place Vector felt safe in.
"I'm sorry," Alito said. His voice was practically silent. "It's real easy to blame evil on the devil, I mean, it's practically in the name." A small, weak chuckle, escaped during the pause. "But it's also real easy to forget the devil was an angel who was allowed to fall and given no hope for redemption. Which is fucked up, plain and simple.
"But I mean… It wouldn't hurt to try helping you get your wings back, right?"
Alito had a hand extended out towards Vector, one that the latter only noticed after wiping several streams of tears from his eyes. Slowly, he took Alito's hand, not sure what that meant for now…
But it was sure better than crying.
When the bell for first period rang, telling every student of Heartland Academy to get to their seats and learn, Vector slipped away. He was still in his school uniform, so it was pretty obvious he was skipping, but that didn't matter to him. He wanted to talk to Yuma, who was late this morning. Like always. So the best way to even do that was to rush to class with him, showing him shortcuts that were — believe it or not — actual shortcuts. Some of it felt nostalgic, cutting through alleys and making it dangerously close to private property they shouldn't have been on, but other times Vector saw Shingetsu Rei, making the same turns, telling Yuma it's fine. He knew this route. He went to school "every single day" this way. And he just loved Yuma.
He remembered Yuma had found him annoying at that point. Vector couldn't blame him, he did so too. But the feeling that came from seeing Shingetsu in the same places he had been in the past was this type of yearning that Vector hadn't felt in a while.
So he went to a mall to deal with it.
Sitting on a bench, Vector found himself people watching. Several kids from the school had skipped as well, it seemed, as they had the stupidity to display their uniform in broad daylight. But no one stopped them as they wandered from stand to stand, picking up various food items and knickknacks and laughing at each other. Because that's how people acted. With friends, Vector meant.
And he wanted that.
(A thought in his head said that it probably would've been better to sneak off with someone. Not Yuma, since he knew his sister Akari would kill the both of them for skipping to go gallivanting through a five story mall instead of learning how to recite poems or some shit, but one of his other friends. Though, Vector wasn't even sure who would be up for that. Kotori would say no on the spot, she felt like the kind of kid who played a bit too close to the rules. Tetsuo maybe, but hanging out with Tetsuo alone felt like Vector was just asking to have a panic attack. III maybe? Though, Vector had zero idea how to even approach him without being around Yuma. The kid had this look to him. A "I'd kill you for fun" resting face that instantly gave way upon sighting Yuma.
And Vector wasn't Yuma, nor was he even ready to die yet.)
Sighing, Vector made his way up, before immediately bumping into someone and falling back down on the bench.
"Ah whoops, sorry. Didn't realize you were getting up," Alito said, extending a hand towards Vector. He took it, making sure not to linger on it for long though. Alito's hands were soft in a way Vector didn't expect from someone so focused on physical fighting, but that was not a thought he wanted to focus on.
"It's whatever," Vector replied, letting go of Alito's hand and making sure he didn't break his nose. Alito just laughed at that, waving it off by saying he wasn't even that strong. And to be honest, Vector begged to differ, but he supposed anyone was stronger than him if they did more to help their body than live off of energy drinks and microwave meals when he absolutely needed substance and not alcohol.
"So how's my fallen angel doing, huh?"
Not even aware of his reaction, Vector shoved Alito forward, his face flushing as he tried to scream in protest. Scream? Yell. He wasn't actually mad, just. Startled. Yeah. Very startled. And embarrassed, as he realized some of the students who had been in the area were staring at them. And Alito was dumb. He had his uniform on still, while Vector at least covered up the most obvious part of it with his leather jacket. But Alito was here, repping the ugly-ass uniforms of Heartland Academy in broad daylight as he flirted with Vector and as the latter fucking screamed.
At least his stupid chest was nice enough to hide from the embarrassment.
"Fuck…" Vector said quietly, gripping onto Alito's chest like he did Yuma many a night. He stayed there, watching out of the corner of his eye for people to finally stop staring and carry on with their lives as normal, before separating from Alito. "Sorry."
"Nah, no worries," Alito said, waving it off as Vector found himself falling back onto the bench. "It's cute, anyways." He laughed; Vector's face flushed.
The two sat on the bench, neither saying anything of note for a while. They pointed stuff out, like counting just how many kids skipped first period today, or maybe how many balloons they could count from right there, but that was all nothing. Idle chitchat to help Vector's mind avoid spiraling to the worst case scenario, all while he tried to piece something together.
"Something" being Alito.
Alito leaned in closer, his index finger pointing to a balloon "animal" that was… Definitely a choice on the child's part, Vector figured.
"Didn't know people even liked that card," Alito said, leaning a bit on Vector's shoulder. "You'd think that — of all cards — Dandylion would be the one people remembered the least, right?"
"It's… Kinda cute," Vector responded, the memory of him as Shingetsu running around in a Dandylion costume being very clear.
Alito hummed at that. "I mean, is it? I don't know, I don't see it." He had his arms in an exaggerated shrug, his gaze somewhat pointed towards Vector, but in a playful way, almost asking Vector to prove him wrong. Tell him Dandylion was cute, actually. Prove it.
"Maybe if you wore the costume you'd see it."
"No way I'm pulling that off."
Vector snickered. "Oh? Are you too cool for that?" He turned to Alito, who, at this point, was leaned back on the bench with his arms thrown back behind him. "Or are you just afraid?"
"Nope! Just not the kind of guy who'd pull off a good Dandylion," Alito said, his voice carrying this sort of confidence that Vector definitely hated. "Hated." They weren't even dating (after all, only Yuma knew that Vector actually liked Alito in a way that was more than just "I'll tolerate him for your sake." And sure, he might have opened up to Alito…
Didn't mean they were dating though.)
"Or you could."
"Where would I even get the costume? Stores don't just sell Dandylion stuff, that's just not profitable."
Vector bit his tongue. He almost said he had one in storage and they could go get it. But "storage" here was more at the mansion, probably used for fuel so the bastards don't freeze to death. Not like he prioritized taking a stupid Dandylion costume with him when the Fucker gave him very little time to even gather his essentials. So that was out, but where did he even get his initial one…
Why was he even thinking about this. What the fuck was wrong with him.
(He didn't even care about Dandylion that much, Vector realized. He just wanted to feel normal for once. He'd really only talked with Yuma normally, and even then, there's been so much of an undertone of "if I don't entertain Vector, he'd die" that could've entirely been made up by Vector, sure, but it was there. So he just wanted a normal ass conversation. One where he didn't have to worry about the other person flipping the fuck out because he said something weird once. And like. Sure, Yuma was getting a lot better at letting Vector just chill. Case in point being that his phone is currently usable and not a broken pager. But Vector couldn't help but want… More.
God he was greedy.)
"Vector?" Alito asked, snapping him back to reality. "Come on, you weren't really that invested in getting me to wear a Dandylion costume, right?"
"Of course not!" Vector snapped back, somewhat defensively. He had moved about an inch or so away from Alito in the process, causing yet another scene in this damn mall. Goddammit, Alito's gotta stop doing that. "I was… Thinking…" Vector said, trying to regain his composure. He was not going to cause another scene. Goddammit he won't.
But he twiddled his thumbs, waiting for the words to come out. And they didn't. His mouth was effectively super glued shut out of fear of embarrassing himself further. Because he would, actually. His brain knew that. It was trying to protect him. Yet Alito just. Sat there. Looking at him. Waiting. Expecting. He should probably… Answer him, Vector realized. Say something. Say anything.
A warm hand steadied the back that Vector hadn't realized was shaking that badly, though, he supposed his perception of how bad a panic attack could be was very skewed, and he found himself placing his hand on Alito's own. Chuckling ever slightly, mostly to hold back the tears that would've fallen if he didn't personally strangle them, Vector turned to face Alito and spoke: "Who am I to you? Actually, I mean. Who am I?"
Alito turned his head to its side in confusion, before Vector grabbed him by the arm, catching Alito off guard clearly, given that Alito — who had been trained in combat far more than Vector could ever say he was — stumbled to his feet. "Who am I to you? Shingetsu Rei or Vector?" Vector asked again, leading Alito further along with his own back towards the onlooking crowd.
He was laughing.
"Like I said — you're my fallen angel."
Alito was laughing.
And as Vector lead the two of them to everywhere and absolutely nowhere — there were no plans, just the desire to not cry on Vector's part, and the shared desire to have a fun time — he laughed as Alito continued his answer.
"You're my youkai, remember?"
