Monsters In My Head

by SchemmentiSimpasours

Summary:

✨Each chapter comes with an extensive list of warnings but please note that this series includes alcoholism, past abusive relationships, AA, couples therapy, angst, hurt, mentions of suicidal ideation, AND A HOPEFUL UNDERLYING THEME...maybe a happy ending? (No spoilers) ✨

Summary: Melissa Schemmenti has been grounded by two things in her life alcohol and you but maybe in the end wearing a suit of armor to protect her heart has only kept others out and the monsters trapped in her head.

Playlist that contains all the songs for each chapter can be found here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/72Lp0vkQFB2JyTIAeu6ISO?si=A5JxteTyR4y8cOPBNk8fyw

Chapter 1: Used To It

Summary:

WARNINGS: Abusive past for Reader talked about in vague but strong details. Clear PTSD. Angry Melissa (but in a light that isn't the greatest). Disassociation hinted at. All hurt no comfort
Summary: Song- Use To It by ABE. Lyrics in italics. Melissa has been through a lot in her life but her strong walls may be keeping her girlfriend from being able to grow past their own hurt.

Melissa and you had been dating for awhile. Long enough that everyone at Abbott had become used to knocking on Melissa’s classroom door in the morning if it was closed or risk seeing you pressed up against the wall, her teeth digging into your neck. Used to the way that you were the only one who could stop Melissa from a full-on spiral by a simple touch. However what they had not experienced till last night was the fall out from a screaming match that had you using a local bar’s phone to call the only number beside Melissa’s that you had memorized. Janine. It felt like the only solution too exhausted and eyes full of tears to figure out how to get to your own apartment. To Janine’s credit she had kept her mouth shut only offering to bring you back her apartment to not be alone. You had accepted and spent the night laying across from Janine a pillow wall between you two as she gave you live commentary on the newest season of Nailed It. It had been your weekly friend date that had started two years ago when you first came to Abbott the same time as her. The friendship had grown during the last year of your teacher training before you both applied to the underfunded school. It had beeen quick and easy like finding the sister you never had. She held your hand grounding you just enough to keep you from floating away like a balloon. It had been distracting and you had fallen asleep listening to her.
Melissa was on the other side of town frantically calling your phone cursing under her breath every time it went to voicemail. Tears rushed down her face as she finally found it on the charger on “your side” of the bed as she liked to call it inside her head. Your overnight bag was still open on the bed from earlier when you had rummaged through it looking for pajamas. Due to the night’s events you had left in a hurry taking nothing and merely running for the door. Melissa had called everyone she could think of. Barbara had answered half asleep saying that of course she hadn’t heard from you it was almost one in the morning. Loud club music filled the phone call with Ava who reported she didn't have your number saved so she probably ignored the call. With a loud curse she began to call the children. Gregory answered with a yawn that he had just gotten in for the night from working and hadn't heard from you. Jacob asked way too many questions so Melissa hung up on him immediately. Janine didn't answer even after the third call. Melissa drove around in a frenzy taking any route to get to your apartment to see if you were walking. She pounded on your door till your neighbor threatened to call the cops, and Melissa gave in and returned home. Where she fell asleep on the couch her face wet with the tears that didn't seem to stop.
The next morning Janine waited outside your apartment while you got dressed for work because the thought of staying home alone was more terrifying than the possibility of facing your angry girlfriend. Janine had been able to feed you small bites of a muffin before you reached Abbott’s doors. You thanked her for not asking any questions and just being there which she replied to with: Of course. What are best friends for. And you had to admit this short ball of sunshine had been the best friend that you ever had. Now however you were sitting at your desk still in tears replaying the events of the night over and over in your head before school started.
It had started with a glass, that had slipped out of your hands and shattered on the floor. Melissa’s favorite glass from her Nonna that you used every time you were at her house. But you had been distracted and hadn’t had time to react from it slipping out of your fingers. You flinched at the sound and the way Melissa turned to glare daggers into you. Her face had softened a fraction as she saw you already crying curling into yourself as you dropped to your knees. You had frantically picked at the pieces not caring that they left small cuts across your palm while you piled them together. You deserved that pain.
“I’m so sorry, I am such an idiot. I am so sorry. Please don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad,” You said over and over again refusing to look up at your girlfriend.
“Just a glass,” Melissa snipped her voice sounding harsh even to herself.
She paused for a moment trying to calm herself but that small silence completely unraveled you, “It was your Nonna’s coffee mug. A priceless heirloom and I ruined it. I ruin everything. I am so sorry.”
“Can you just stop for a damn minute?” Melissa said reaching to pull you up.
You flinched, your whole body visibly recoiling from her which made her even more angry. She knew you had a past that made you a little more cautious. Easy to jump at random sounds. More likely to cry when simple things fell apart. Became timid when it started to get loud. But never once had you flinched. Especially from her. The woman who had spent months showing you that she was a safe place for you to land. A constant in the ever changing sea of chaos. Yet in the moment when Melissa knew it counted the most you showed your lack of trust and flinched. You showed how scared you truly were.
“I'm not your ex,” She sighed, “And I wish you would stop treating me like I'm gonna constantly yell at ya or hit ya.”
“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to,” You croaked, still determined to try and pick up the glass.
“Forget the glass Y/N. I'm talking to ya,” Melissa snapped and immediately, you dropped all the pieces back to the ground.
Your hands shook as you retreated further into yourself. You wiped the small pricks of blood on your leggings before you stood up. The broken pieces of the glass between you and Melissa symbolizing the crack that had begun to form in your relationship. You couldn't even look at her too fearful of the anger you would find there. Your thoughts were already cruel enough you didn't need them confirmed by looking at her.
“It’s just a fucking glass Y/N,” Melissa shouted barely taking in how loud she was.
“If it isn't a big deal then why are you yelling?” You countered eyes trained on the floor.
“ ‘Cause I'm sick of ya apologizing for shit that doesn't matter. I ain't your ex who is gonna blow up on you all the time. I thought you knew that.”
“I do,” You whispered.
“Then why you flinch? Like I was gonna haul you up and beat your ass.”
“Cause I'm scared Mel.”
“Of me?” And finally you could hear the hurt Melissa had been trying to hide.
You looked up at her for a moment and saw tears she was working hard to keep at bay, “No, I never said that. I'm scared of the flashbacks that come without warning. That make me so terrified I'm stuck frozen. That I'm always going to feel this way. I'm just scared. But never of you.”
“Well I'm sick of being treated like those other assholes you dated. I deserve better.”
“And I'm trying! Don't you see that.”
“Well maybe you aren't trying enough,” Melissa spatted out.
“Ouch.”
“You broke up with them 2 years ago Y/N. We have been together a year next week. You should be over this.”
“How the fuck do you have any right to tell me what i should or should not be feeling,” You said finally cracking under her words, “Not all of us can we can be a strong closed off Melissa Schemmenti.”
Melissa let out a laugh and slammed her hand on the table. And there it was again you jumped like a deer in headlights.
“You know if you are really that scared you should just leave.”
That was the last thing you remembered before the morning bell rang. You wiped away your tears taking a deep breath. You had done this before - pulled yourself together after a hard night to show up as the best version of yourself that you could give that day. It had been a daily routine in your last relationship. But today it felt extra daunting. You had become comfortable in your relationship with Melissa and never imagined having to go through this again. You somehow managed to pull yourself up hiding just inside your doorway to not be easily seen and started the day.
Melissa was angry and had been all morning. She had seen you standing just inside your classroom door greeting students and could tell that you were crumbling. Held together by a watery smile and the pure determination to do your job anyway. You hadn’t looked this way since the first week you had started at Abbott clinging at the final bits of your last relationship. Melissa had wanted to strangle the woman who had made your vibrant and bubbly personality turn cold. And now years later it was her who had made you feel that way.
She knew she couldn't talk to you like this. So angry at her own stupidity that her vision was clouded with red but she could talk to Janine. That much she could manage. Who she cornered right before the younger teacher could sneak too far from the lounge with her lunch and two drinks in hand.
“I called you last night,” Melissa said blocking Janine’s way.
“I didn't have my phone on me,” She responded truthfully. She had put it up when you had finally settled into her bed.
“It would have been nice to know you picked up Y/N. I was worried.”
“If she wanted me to tell you where she was I would have. But she didn't.”
“What did she tell you?” Melissa asked curiously.
“Nothing,” Janine shrugged.
“You lying to me pip squeak?” Melissa questioned gritting her teeth, “I have never once heard you to not ask a billion questions.”
“I think you forget Y/N and I have been friends for three years. I am the one who convinced her to come to Abbott in the first place. I was there during Kylee and watched as Y/N became a shell of herself. I pushed back then and she ran so far away I thought I lost her. I'm not risking it again,” Janine said bitterly.
“You saying I'm just as bad as that lousy stronza?”
“No I know you would never hurt her. Y/N knows that too and she talks about how safe you make her feel all the time. But neither of us even knows a fraction of what happened in that last relationship. You weren’t there Melissa. You had just started to let her in as a friend but I remember that last day. It was right before spring break. The frantic phone call and the screaming as she begged and begged. I was the one who met the ambulance at her apartment. It was a disaster. It was a like a bomb exploded…the broken table …the blood… the glass. My friend almost died that day. All over a stupid coffee mug that she dropped.”
And there it was. The flashback that had caused you to revert to a version of you that was so prickled with anxiety the only choice was survival. To do what was needed before being asked. To apologize and curl into yourself. Make yourself smaller to make the hits hurt less. A memory so deeply embedded in pain that you got buried in it before you even realized what was happening. It didn’t matter that it was Melissa on the other end of the moment this time all that matter was the last time this happened you suffered. Melissa hadn’t even tried to understand in that moment she had reacted purely on instinct and bad judgment.
“She never told me.”
“She never told anyone Melissa! Don’t you get that. I heard her screaming for help and I had to call the cops. It still haunts me every day and she still won't tell me what really happened” Janine said exasperated, “The only person who knows is her therapist and even I don’t fully believe Y/N when she told me that. Then, anytime I try to get her to open up, she only shuts down. So, I have learned to accept the pieces of her that she lets me see. One day maybe she will be ready and maybe she won't. I can’t change that. But I am not going to stop being her best friend just because she won't tell me everything. I don't need it to know I love her.”
“I love her too Janine…”
“Hold on what? Y/N told me last week y’all hadn't said it yet.”
“I just had been waiting till it felt like…”
“Like she wouldn't hear the words and run?” Janine scoffed as the older teacher shrugged, “She isn't perfect Melissa. Not even close, but she is trying and you treating her like she has to have it all together. Like she has to be this fully healed person when she may not even know who that person is anymore. She needs to know that you love her at this part of her life. Not the version of her in the future that may not even exist.”
Melissa didn't stop the tear that ran down her cheek Janine’s words hitting like a gut punch, “How do I fix it?”
Janine sighed, “I don't know Melissa. I can’t even get her to eat right now let alone figure out what she needs from you. But I think you should stay away. She isn't ready.”
“Can you at least give her this?” Melissa asked, handing over your phone and then her tub of heated-up mashed potatoes. “It’s her comfort food. You might be able to get her to at least have a bite.”
“Sure and I’m sorry Melissa. I should have told you where she was. You deserved that little comfort.”
And with that Janine took off down the hall. She slipped into your room as Melissa figured out how to pull herself together. She couldn’t believe how irrationally she had behaved. After all she had went through with Joe she thought she would have been more compassionate but instead she had been cruel. When Janine came in your room you were sitting in the dark staring into space. Your best friend put the phone down in front of you gently.
“Here is your phone Y/N now can I get you to eat some mashed potatoes. Hot out the microwave. You favorite,” Janine said quietly but with the usual cheer in her voice.
You looked down at your lock screen. The missed calls and texts from Melissa doing nothing to hide the picture. Melissa in her classroom the light perfectly capturing her radiant smile and the glimmer in her green eyes. Glasses high on her head curls twisting in her fingers as she pushed her chest forward. Light glinting of her necklaces tucked between her cleavage on display in her low cut pink shirt and black blazer. She looked like a goddess herself. You shoved the phone in your desk trying to erase it from memory.
“I'm not hungry.”
“Please Y/N, you barely ate this morning. One bite is all I'm asking,” Janine pleaded.
And the grumble in your stomach reminded you that you had left Melissa’s house before dinner. You grabbed the container taking 3 small bites and then handed it back. It wasn't enough Janine knew but in that moment she felt like she won the damn lottery. She spent the rest of lunch sitting next to you so you could rest your head on her shoulder.There was no talking just the reassuring presence that she would be there for you when you were ready.
When the final bell rang you went out for bus duty using the chaos to distract yourself from the darkness pressing in. It was a good plan till the last bus pulled away and the skies opened up. Rain fell in sheets soaking you immediately but you couldn't bring yourself to care. You merely walked to the small patch of grass by the parking lot and laid down. Hoping that maybe just maybe the rain could wash your pain and hurt away.
“Hey Schemmenti any reason your little cannoli is out laying in the rain?” Ava asked standing in the teacher’s doorway, “It’s pouring out there she gonna get sick and I'm already strapped for subs.”
“I'll go get her,” Melissa promised and rushed out the door.
She knew that she should have stayed away like Janine said but she couldn’t let you be alone. Especially when she saw you laying in the grass tears mixing with rain on your cheeks. Melissa laid on the ground next to you so your shoulders were touching. The rain fell around you in hard droplets that had started to become a familiar rhythm. Predictable in a way that was comforting till Melissa grabbed your hand and it seemed to shift.
“Hun’ I was worried about you all last night,” She said rubbing the back your hand, “I'm really sorry about how I acted. You did nothing wrong and I treated you like shit. Can we go inside and talk?”
“You’re going to get bored of me,” You replied already choking back tears.
“Why do you think that? Haven't gotten bored of ya yet,” Melissa replied. “We just had one bad night. After a whole year together, we're bound to have some.”
“Forgive me for being so cynical. It’s just that I feel this all once before,” you explained, “I get hurt. I feel pain. It’s always the same. Save yourself some time and go on and just break my heart. I'm already used to it.”
Melissa anger began to rear it’s ugly head again, “I'm not trying to break you heart Y/N but you won't give me the chance to prove myself. You are keeping me at arms length.I thought you trusted me.”
“I do but this is a burden no one should have to carry,” you admitted, “And I wish that I could just forget it all but I can’t. It’s too much to forget. And you aren’t giving me the chance to be scared and do it anyways. You act like I have to be fixed right at this very second.”
Melissa pondered for a moment why she wanted you to be fixed. Why it was so important to her. She had never been this devastated about the crap Joe put her through. Barely shed a tear. But then again that was the Schemmenti way. To pick up and keep going anyways. Maybe she was mad that you couldn't just get it together. But on a deeper level maybe just a little part of her was jealous that you were able to feel all these feelings and find a way to keep going. Instead of burying it so deep inside that letting go now might shatter you entirely. Melissa knew that if she faltered for a single moment she would snap in two.
When Melissa didn't answer you pulled your hand away and sat up turning from her, “Maybe we should take a break.”
“Wait, how did we jump to taking a break? I care a lot about you Y/N. I don't want a break,” Melissa said leaning up on her elbows.
“I care more about you than anything Melissa. But I don't think you understand who I am or why I do the things I do.”
“Then let me learn,” Melissa pleaded.
“I have been trying!” You snapped, “I tried and begged but you won't let your walls down enough to realize that we have a lot more in common than our favorite books and music. You expect me to be just like you and have it all together already. You don't want work to figure out how we can build something as a couple exactly the way that we are right now. We are supposed to be two perfect wholes in your eyes and I'm just not there yet. Maybe you deserve to find that whole somewhere else.”
You stood up and started walking back towards the school. Melissa too stunned to move just shouted, “How long is this break gonna last?”
You turned around throwing your arms up in defeat, “Melissa if I knew how long it was going to take to work past this hurt we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?”
“I'm not going to find someone else like you Y/N,” Melissa said beginning to cry.
“That's the point Schemmenti! Find someone better.”
Melissa watched you disappear into the rain as she collapsed back onto the ground. You hadn’t called her Schemmenti since you had first started working together and hearing it stung. It stung to know that the only person Melissa had ever truly loved had slipped through her fingers. All because she was too scared to admit that maybe being broken was okay. Talking to the empty space around her, Melissa admitted, “No one else is going to better than you Y/N.”

Chapter 2: Good Stuff

Summary:

Summary: There were two things holding Melissa Schemmenti together: You and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Now that you were walking away from her Melissa finds her way to the bottom of the bottle. Flashbacks all in italics.

Warnings: Alcoholism, Major alcohol consumption, flashbacks, abusive relationship, All angst... for the next nine chapters. Buckle in

Lyrics: Good Stuff by Griff

Oh, I try to rewind

Every scene in my mind

And for you, I've got tunnel vision

And I've blocked out every collision

And in another life, yeah

Do me a favour and try

To leave me broken and bitter

So moving on's a little quicker

It took Melissa too long to realize that she should have run after you. That she was sorry and should have told you that you were perfect exactly the way you are. Instead, she was too caught up in the one good memory from this patch of grass that she could cling to.

It was the first time that she had ever kissed you. The tension between the two of you had been slowly building for weeks, starting to unravel in small ways, not to scare you away. It had started with Melissa bringing your favorite tea every morning, which she handed to you with a smile always finding some way to compliment you. Your hair, your shirt, your shoes, how you had taught the day before, whatever she could think of. During lunch, she asked you to try her creamy Italian mashed potato recipe, which turned into eating with her and Barbara every day. She supplied you with food every time, telling you that she always had enough when in fact she was making extra just in case. Then she started walking you to your car after school to catch up on how your day was. The one time that you had lost your balance, Melissa had grabbed your arm to catch you and held your hand the rest of the way. Ever since then, she held your hand until she opened the car door for you and watched you pull out of the parking lot safely. Today, the sun was twinkling in your eyes, and she had to stop you, unable to wait any longer.

You looked at her curiously as she stopped mid-sentence, “Mel what are you doing?”

She didn’t let anyone call her that but you. The first time it had fallen from your lips, it had melted her heart, and she knew that no one else could pale in comparison to the way you made it sound. She looked at your eyes and then down at your lips and back up at you again. When she saw the blush cross your cheeks, she leaned forward and pressed a hard kiss to your mouth. You moaned, and Melissa found her new favorite sound. The kiss seemed to last for an eternity before she pulled away and placed her forehead against yours.

“Can I take you on a date, hun?” She asked, still trying to catch her breath.

“Yes, as long as it includes more kissing,” You laughed, and Melissa squeezed your hand, trying to seal this moment in her brain.

It was the happiest she had been in years, and watching you pull out of the parking lot that day, she knew that she was looking at a brighter future than she ever thought was possible.

A loud crack of thunder pulled her from the memory, and she scrambled from her spot on the grass. She ran to the front doors, throwing them open, and almost ran face-first into Ava.

“Shit sorry,” Melissa said stepping to the side slipping in a large puddle of water.

She grabbed onto the wall nails, digging in for purchase as Ava laughed, “Can’t believe you and your little cannoli did the same thing. But for real Red. Stop dragging water into my school. You are creating more work for Mr. Johnson. It is just disrespectful.”

“Ava, just drop it. Where did Y/N go?”

“How am I supposed to know? She came in crying and then took off,” Ava shrugged, “I am not her keeper. That is your job.”

“It used to be,” Melissa whispered and then went off towards your classroom.

Your lights were already off, and your things were missing from your desk. Melissa slammed her fist into the wall, cursing under her breath. Another opportunity had passed her by to chase you down and tell her what was really on her mind. She was doing everything wrong, and it was starting to cost her. The only thing she could hope for was that you were safe from the storm and the anxiety it brought you.

She doubled over with the pain that radiated through her body. Like a swift gut punch, she could feel herself cracking. Everything she had been holding up for so long was coming down, crashing around her. Her mind was filled with all the insecurities that had been held at bay. Usually controlled by a mixture of liquid courage and your undeniable presence and reassurance in her life. Now there was nothing left but the knowledge that she was a failure. Taking everything good in her life and smashing it till it crumbled like ash.

With a swift punch, the head of the cardboard ninja came flying off its body and onto the floor. Melissa straightened her jacket and went back into her classroom. Pushing down the anxiety and the tears, she knew that she just had to make it ten more minutes before she could release her little eagles upon the gym and have a moment to herself. She planned to cry for a moment in the darkness of her room, but when she came back, you were perched on her desk holding the ninja’s head.

“This your handiwork?” You asked with a concerned expression crossing your face.

“He was looking at me funny,” Melissa shrugged, but you knew better.

You always knew better when it came to Melissa. Reading her in a way that not even Barb had mastered. It was like all of the walls Melissa had placed around her to keep others out were merely windows to you. It should have scared her to have someone who was not phased by the typical Schemmenti spikes, but she couldn’t be scared of you. Not when you looked at her with those eyes that seemed to say that you would always catch her. No matter how hard or much she broke that you would pick up her pieces bit by bit. It was one of the things that she loved most about you.

“Come here baby,” You said, reaching your arms out to her.

And the second Melissa was encircled in your arms she let herself cry. Not like she needed to because part of her would never fully allow herself to open up. Too afraid that letting go too much would make it so she was unable to pull it back together in the time that she had left before her class returned. But she let go just enough to release the stress of the moment and find some peace in your words.

“You are an amazing teacher, baby. One of the absolute best, no one doubts that. But this is a lot and would be for anyone. You need help. No one is going to think any less of you for asking for a teacher’s aide. All that matters is that you are putting your best foot forward for your eagles and baby, this isn’t it. You know that,” You said, rubbing her back.

The memory was fleeting as a towel was placed on her shoulder. She could have jumped, and she felt her body stiffen at the touch, but she contained herself and looked to see Ava. Melissa’s movements were always calculated and controlled, never letting anyone see her out of place.

“Dry off and get out Red,” Ava said, but there was no harshness in her voice, and Melissa wondered if she could also see how close she was to falling apart.

Melissa didn’t respond to afraid her voice would crack from the effort of keeping herself contained. She just made her way back to her own classroom, pulling the towel around her. Closing the door behind her, she changed into the extra set of clothes that she kept for emergencies and gathered her things. The rain had barely let up as she made her way to her car. It felt as if the world was a reflection of how Melissa felt. And she knew that she couldn’t go back to her house with the glass still covering her kitchen floor, a constant reminder of everything she had failed to do and say. So instead, she drove to the bar nearby to find a way to ease this pain that was eating her from the inside out.

-

Janine stood in the living room of your apartment as you threw down your teaching stuff, making your way to the laundry room and slipping the wet clothes inside the washer. She looked at all the pictures of you and Melissa that had become mixed in with your usual decor. The way that you always seemed to have this twinkle in your eye when you were with the older woman. A smile that seemed just a little bit bigger than usual. How Melissa always seemed to have a piece of her body touching yours, a softness to her usual edge that made her seem even more angelic. The two of you seemed to have completed each other, and it hurt Janine to know that the world was now trying to pull you two apart.

“Are you sure about this whole break thing Y/N? Whatever happened between you and Melissa, I am sure that you can work it out,” Janine called down the hallway.

You peeked your head around the corner, “Janine, can we please just drop it for right now? It’s been a day, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But we are eventually going to have to talk about it. I am not going to sit here and let you disappear like you did with Kylee. Not again.”

You came out in a pair of pajama shorts and one of Melissa’s shirts that you had sworn you were going to wash but hadn’t gotten around to it yet. It still smelled like her in the best way- a little bit of vanilla, a touch of whiskey, and the lightest faint of cigarette smoke. Right now, it brought just enough comfort to cloak your breaking heart. Deep down, a break from your relationship had been the last thing that you wanted, but the events of the previous night still circled in your mind. Old flashbacks combined with new ones left you wondering where you even were.

“Kylee please, I am sorry. It was just an accident,” You said, looking at the broken glass on the floor. You had sunken to your knees immediately trying to pick it up.

“It is always just an accident with you,” She spat back, “When are you ever going to pay damn attention for once.”

Her words hurt, but not as much as the plate that you heard wiz by your ear, causing you to scramble away from her, “You act like if none of this stuff matters to you. Do you know how much money I spent on all of this?”

Another glass shattering on the floor, forcing you further back into the living room to try and get away, “Please stop. I didn’t mean it. It was an accident.”

“Do you ever mean to do anything you stupid bitch?” Kylee said, advancing on you as you sank to the floor behind the couch, trying to hide.

You braced for the hit that never came and instead were standing in Melissa’s kitchen, her hand smacking the counter. You flinched, your body recoiling away as the fire in her eyes burned you.

“You know if you are really that scared you should just leave,” She spat, and for the first time, you saw the monster that Melissa kept at bay under alcohol. The alcohol she swore that you didn’t know about, but that you had confided in Barbara, was becoming a problem. One that was spiraling out of control.

“Y/N,” Janine said, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

You jumped, cursing at how skittish you were, but Janine didn’t shy away. She was used to you needing a moment to come back to your body. It would have been fine if it weren’t for the loud clap of thunder that shook your apartment. You immediately hugged Janine, trying to calm your already frayed nerves.

“I fucking hate thunderstorms,” You whispered.

“You still got the Janine shelf?” She asked, moving to your hall closet, where she pulled out a pair of her pajamas.

She never fit in any of your clothes, always falling off her small frame, so there was a shelf dedicated just to her. You knew what she was doing without her even asking. Spending another night with you so that you do not have to be alone, drowning in the past and present. You could have told her to go, and you knew she would have gone, but part of you knew that you couldn’t be alone. Not with all of this weighing down on you and the storm raging outside your windows.

When she came back out of the bathroom, you threw her a blanket to get comfortable on the couch, “I am not talking about it tonight.”

“And I will accept that response if you eat something,” She said back, and you narrowed your eyes.

“Touche bitch touche,” You replied and Janine laughed.

Thirty minutes later, a box of pizza was open on the coffee table as a movie played in the background. You ate enough to keep Janine happy, and when she drifted off to sleep, you crawled into your bed, burying your head into the pillow Melissa always used. You dreamed of some alternative universe where this had never happened, and you could be curled against her instead. One where she rubbed your back and told you that you were going to be okay through the storm that raged outside and in your head.

-

Melissa didn’t know how many drinks she had; all she knew was that the pain had become a dull ache. One that was more manageable. Replaying all of the good memories in her head, she wished that she could be left broken and bitter. That maybe it would help and make her want you back a little bit less. She was stirring the remnants of her most recent drink when a man slotted himself next to her.

“Can I get you another one, gorgeous?” He asked, leaning in closer than Melissa would have liked.

“The only person I let buy me drinks is my girlfriend,” She said, which had become her response ever since she started dating you.

The man looked around the bar, “Where is she? I don’t mind a third.”

The rage filled in Melissa as she slammed her glass on the counter, “I don’t share. Now get lost asshole.”

“I am starting to think that this girlfriend of yours isn’t real,” He commented undeterred.

Melissa went to stand but lost her balance, and the man grabbed her arm, “Get off me.”

The command was weak, but it was all she could manage, the alcohol finally hitting her system. The man seemed to smirk at the redhead’s inability to put up more of a fight before someone stepped between him and Melissa.

“She said get off her,” Gregory growled, “Now get the fuck out.”

The man put his hands up in surrender, “Old bitch isn’t worth this much drama. Her coochie probably dried up anyways. ”

The words cut like they always did when someone pointed out Melissa was getting older. She thought she had gotten used to it, but today it just felt like another brick dragging her under. Once Gregory was sure the man had gone, he turned to her.

“Melissa, you know that isn’t true,” He paused, trying to feel out the awkwardness around him.

“No, he was right. I am old and a bitch,” Melissa said trying to stand again. As she fell, Gregory wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her up.

“Coochie part was wong until today,” She sighed as he paid her tab and started for the door, “I was so happy and so fucking in love but too scared to say anything about it. Waiting for everything to be perfect, but now instead we are on a break. I’m gonna be dried up soon. Dried up lonely old bitch who hurt the love of her life.”

Gregory tried to collect the information being thrown at him while carrying Melissa towards the door, “What happened with Y/N?”

“I traumatized her, just like that bitch she used to date and I didn’t run after her. Why didn’t I run after her?” Melissa was crying as Gregory loaded her into the front seat of his car.

“Sometimes it is hard to say or do the things we need to do in the pressure of the moment. I am sure that you can talk it out with her tomorrow,” He said, buckling the older woman in.

“I don’t know Gregory I think I fucked up this time,” Melissa said closing her eyes to steady herself as the world began to spin, “My drinking isn’t helping either.”

“You had a bad night,” He said, but Melissa cut him off.

“This is more than just one night of bad drinking. I have a problem that I thought I could keep under control, but now I am not so sure,” Melissa admitted, “I don’t remember the last time I could handle something without a bottle of Jack to keep me company.”

The words hung in the air as Gregory pulled into Melissa’s driveway. Unsure how to comfort her, he asked, “Would you give it all up to get her back?”

“Yes,” Melissa said instantly, but started to cry again, “I would give up everything if it meant that Y/N would open that door and tell me it was all going to be okay. But I don’t know how to be me without it.”

“You will find her,” Gregory said, “You are the strongest person I know, Melissa.”

“I don’t think I want to be strong anymore,” Melissa sighed as Gregory led her up the porch into the house.

Melissa didn’t fight Gregory as he pulled off her boots and grabbed clothes for her to change into. They were Y/N’s clothes that had been left on the bed, but Melissa didn’t mind. For when Gregory went to get her some water and leave her to change, Melissa held the shirt to her nose and smelled you. A mixture of laundry beads and strawberries filled her nose as she curled underneath the covers. She allowed Gregory to help her drink some water and take pills to help her headache that was starting to form. As she leaned against her pillows, she began to look frantically around.

“Wait, where is my Jalen?” She asked frantically, pulling at the sheets.

Gregory leaned down, picking up a teddy bear with a Philadelphia Eagles logo on its belly and game day face paint. Melissa took it eagerly, curling it against her chest. She pressed the paw and your voice filled the quiet. Goodnight baby, sleep well and I will see you soon. With a quiet hum she fell asleep in a drunken haze.

 

Notes:

Playlist for this series: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/72Lp0vkQFB2JyTIAeu6ISO?si=f2057c3399514366

Chapter 3: Darkest Hour

Summary:

Summary: Melissa wants to make it right... but when she shows up to Abbott still drunk from the night before things spiral out of control.
Warnings: Hangovers, Flashbacks, Hurt, Angst, Alcohol overuse, Therapy talk, Drunk calling
(This was my personal therapy. I apologize for nothing but warn you we in angst for the long haul)

Notes:

Lyrics:
Tell me that you'll be there in my darkest hour
When I'm fucked up and fading out
Promise me you'll be there when I'm losing power
Say you'll reach out for me when I'm
Sinking under, don't make me wonder where you'll be
Tell me that you'll be there in my darkest hour
Say you'll be there for me

Yellow dandelions covered Melissa’s backyard, scattered amongst her flowers that Barb had convinced her to plant. You sat on her back patio watching them blow in the wind as you drank your morning coffee. You loved all the colors from the purples, blues, red, even the occasional pink that Melissa had sworn had been an accident. But the yellow of the dandelions is what really caught your attention. Long ago, Melissa had given up on containing the weed, letting it add to the landscape painting instead. When you thought of Melissa, you thought of many different colors. Red for her hair and her fiery attitude that fought first and asked questions later. Blue for the shirt that she loved to wear every chance she got: “In my defense, you left me unsupervised,” that had been worn so much it had faded to a dull grey. But also blue for tears that fell down her face in secret when she let the armor crack just enough to stay whole. Purple for the silk sheets that contrasted her pale skin when she lay down every night, her snores filling the silence when you couldn’t sleep. Green for her eyes that you could get lost in for hours if you weren’t careful and the grass that Melissa walked in now. But yellow - the bright abrasive color was not something that you had ever pictured for her until she was walking towards you with a bundle of dandelions in her hand. It was that moment that made you think maybe yellow was the color of the love that you had for her.

“Think I might make a wine out of em,” Melissa smiled showing you her dandelion haul, “What you think?”

You tilted your head to the side, “Sounds… earthy?”

“You doubt my wine makin abilities?” She teased, “And after I saved you from that little garden snake who nearly scared me half to death. I am hurt. But fear not. Yelled at him a lil and I don’t think he will be back.”

“My knight in shining armor,” You said, pulling Melissa’s hand till she leaned down to give you a kiss on the forehead, “I would be lost without you Lissa.”

The older woman winked before settling down next to you on the bench. You watched curiously as she started twisting the flowers' stems together. Fingers moving with a practiced motion that had been mastered through years of hard work. Each flower built off the next until it made a thick crown. With a nod of approval, Melissa lifted it up, placing it gently on your head. With a small move of her finger, she pushed a strand of loose hair behind your ear. Her face was so close to yours that you fluttered your eyes closed, breathing in the moment. 

“A crown for my angel,” She said before she pressed a kiss to your lips.

The alarm blared, and your eyes opened to look right at the flower crown that Melissa had created out of fake flowers for you because the dandelion ones kept dying on you. It held so many great memories of dancing in her garden, dinners at local restaurants, and kisses under the stars. Yet today it only reflected the hole in your heart that you felt. You turned off the alarm and pushed the crown till it fell to the floor. The silence that filled the room only lasted briefly before Janine entered the room. 

“I'm not going, Janine,” You said, burying yourself under the covers, “Already messaged Ava who is pissed as a heads up but I refuse. I can’t do it today.”

“Will you at least promise me you will eat something before I check on you for lunch? And make sure you got to your therapy appointment?”

You merely put a thumbs up outside of your blanket. You could feel the million unanswered questions Janine had in her head but she merely told you she loved you. She placed the flower crown back on your nightstand and walked out the door. Back in the quiet of room you curled into yourself with tears making the familiar pattern down your face. 

~-~

Melissa woke to a pounding in her head and a vibrating hum in her body. She shut off her alarm with a groan, clutching the bedside table, praying the world would stop spinning. When she could finally open her eyes, she was met with an unfamiliar sight. Her keys covered a piece of paper that was next to a bottle of water and a bottle of aspirin. Taking three pills dry, she looked at the note.

I went and got your car from the bar. Drink some water. Take some meds. And if you need to talk you know where to find me. - Gregory

The memories from the night before flooded back, along with the pain she was trying to run from. You had been the only thing gluing the pieces of her back together and now you were gone. A break that felt more like a gaping wound in her heart. Melissa opened the drawer of her nightstand, grabbing the silver flask. She twirled it in her fingers, the voices in her head calling out to the smooth metal. It would be so easy to open it and silence the monsters. But there was one rule that Melissa had always been consistent with. No drinking before or during work.  

She put the flask on her bed, promising to return and stood to get ready. It took more effort than she wanted to admit as she clutched the nightstand for support. She looked at the water and held it to her lips for one small sip. Something just to prove that she was real and could still function like a normal human. The world spun around her as she made her way to the bathroom and Melissa knew one thing for sure. She was hungover as hell and this was about to be the toughest day of her teaching career. 

When she made her way to the kitchen after getting dressed for the day, she stopped looking down at the floor. It was clear without a piece of glass in sight. Gregory had clearly picked it up for her when he had dropped off her keys. It was a nice gesture but it made her enraged. How was she going to torture herself over her mistakes when they had been cleaned up? The glass had been her constant reminder that she had lost her temper over nothing. Over bits and pieces of ceramic that her Nonna had probably found down at the flea market. There were a thousand other ways that she could have remembered her Nonna but she had exploded her life all over one glass. Seeing it on the floor had been a visual representation for all the hurt floating inside of her.

Melissa stalked over to the cupboard ripping it open pulling glasses and plates from the inside. With swift movements, she threw them all behind her relishing in the sound of shattering glass. Shattering that mirrored the cracks and holes that were appearing in her own body. Fancy china, plates she won in the divorce, teacher Christmas gifts all went flying because it all meant nothing. Nothing mattered if you weren’t there to share it with. Melissa only stopped when she came to a tall coffee mug. 

They were supposed to be painting and drinking wine but Melissa and Barbara were mostly drinking. Occasionally slapping paint here and there on their small figurines. You however were sitting next to Janine laughing as you mixed colors together. Tongue stuck out in concentration as you used a brush to touch up the edges. You looked ridiculously cute and it took everything in Melissa not to grab your hand, pull you from the studio, and back home. But she knew you needed this time with Janine. You had been happy on the surface gritting your teeth through the bad the best you could. So Melissa had planned this best friend double date to allow you the freedom to not be okay and to not be judged for it. Allowing yourself to be fixed in a way only a best friend could. 

After the session was done you shined brighter and Melissa knew she had you back. Back from the place you dug yourself in to keep others safe. The following week when the projects were picked up you handed Melissa a tall coffee mug covered in strawberries on a purple background. 

“I made it for you babe,” You grinned, “So when you have coffee in the morning you can think of me.”

Melissa smiled, kissing you on the forehead, “I love it baby. Thank you.”

In return she handed you her dolphin. Covered in a rainbow of colors it looked like a mess. But the way you jumped up and down when she handed it to you made it all worth it. It had taken residence on your desk at school underneath your computer ever since. Melissa had used the coffee mug for weeks remembering your brows wrinkled in concentration as you painted every time she filled it.

Now she clung to the mug like a lifeline. To one of the only things she had that would bring her back to you. She put her morning coffee in it and headed out the door to work determined to make it right. Today would be the day she would talk to you and fix what she had broken. 

~-~

As Melissa stood in your doorway she took in the emptiness that she hadn't noticed before. The dolphin figurine was gone from your desk. Along with the picture frames that cluttered your space. One picture of you and Melissa from a meeting using pencils as mustaches. Another picture from Halloween Melissa in her Scarlet Witch outfit and you in a Black Widow jumpsuit. Even the one of Melissa curled protectively over a plate of chocolate cake was gone. On your whiteboard shoved in the corner were still pictures of the other Abbott crew. Janine and you from teacher training. Jacob and you and drag queen bingo dressed to the nines. Mr. Johnson helping you from a large garbage can when you have gone scrounging for extra cardboard. Ava pushing the button of the dunk tank as you yelled at her. Barbara and you heads bowed over the daily crossword. But Melissa… she was gone. The picture of her extending a fork full of pasta towards you as you smiled was gone. Melissa had been scrubbed clean and it hurt.

She added this pain to the ever growing pile and headed towards Ava’s office. Melissa was going to make this right. Some way. Some how.

Entering Ava’s office she could already see how stretched thin the principal was. Names on a large list crossed out with pink glitter ink. 

“Your little cannoli really screwed me today. I ain't got enough subs for this,” She sighed still looking down at the papers surrounding her.

“I can take her class,” Melissa offered cringing out how loud her own voice sounded to her already pounding head.

Ava looked up and slammed her hands down in exasperation, “You have got to be fucking kidding me Red. I can still smell the whiskey on you. You drunk or just that hungover?”

“Hungover,” Melissa admitted without remorse crossing her arms, “You should know you have done it before.”

Ava’s eyes narrowed, “I'll let that one slide cause I see you hurting right now. But you ain't teaching Y/N’s class.”

“Gregory can,” Janine offered stepping in with the man in question following shortly behind, “Just combine 1st grade for the day.”

Gregory looked at Melissa with a hint of pity that only made Melissa more frustrated, “You just have to come in and fix everything don’t you shortstack?”

“Oh don't even start Schemmenti,” Ava growled, “Because you are going to be combining with Janine today. You half in the bag and I can't have you in front of students like this.”

“That is bull..”

“Don’t even finish that sentence cause I'll just send you home and suspend you for a week,” Ava sneered, “Not in the mood today Red.”

Melissa bit down on her tongue hard enough that she felt blood. She stormed out of the office her stomach doing flips as she made her way to the nearest bathroom. Pushing past Barb she collapsed to her knees and emptied the contents of her stomach into the bowl. She could feel Barb pulling back her hair as she braced herself against the white porcelain. She couldn’t remember the last time that she threw up. Maybe not since she was in college or after she figured out Joe was cheating on her. She was exhausted by the time she was done. 

Her back was pressed against the wall head in her hands as Barbara flushed the toilet. She heard Barbara move away and didn’t realize how much time had passed before her friend returned and settled on the floor next to the red head

“MelBell, we need to talk,” Barb whispered, holding out a towel and a bottle of water, “We can’t keep doing this.”

Melissa wiped her face and took a large drink of water, “There is nothing to talk about. I am fine.”

“Fine stopped being fine a long time ago,” Barbara sighed, “And I need to stop pretending that you being fine is enough. You have a problem MelBell,”

“Yeah my problem is that everyone thinks I need fuckin saving when I don’t,” Melissa stood up shakily, “I am fine. I have to go prepare to teach with the Abbott martyr of the year.”
Melissa left without looking at her best friend. Barb stayed on the floor for a moment, sighing as she tried to figure out where to go from here. When the bell rang, Melissa was settled at the back of Janine’s classroom, sulking in her own emotions. She stayed there, drifting in and out of her own memories until lunchtime came. 

Janine was gathering her things and after barely speaking to Melissa all day she said, “Are you going to be okay? I have to go out for lunch.”

“Thank her this please,” Melissa said barely above a whisper, handing her a bag, “She likes to have carbs on days she has therapy.”

“You need to eat too,” Janine said and Melissa held up her own bag. 

“Please just take care of her,” Melissa replied standing up, “And look Janine I’m sorry about what I said. You are taking care of her and making sure she is okay. That is what I want. I care about her.”

“Then why don’t you try to help her?” the younger woman asked, slinging the lunch box over her shoulder, “She really needs you right now. She doesn’t know how to say it but she wants you. The break was a mistake.”

Melissa bit back tears curling her hands into a fist. It should have soothed her to hear these words but it broke her heart instead, “Just give me time Janine…let me figure out how to fix this.”

“Don’t take too long, or you and I will both lose her forever.”

~-~

You were sitting up in bed laptop piled on top of pillows as the call to your therapist rang through. You were placing small bites of cantaloupe in your mouth as you waited. At least that was one thing of your checklist that could be completed for the day. You were still in Melissa’s shirt an otter stuffed animal that she had gotten for you curled into your chest. As soon as Ouida answered the phone you were in tears. 

Which lasted until the final moments of the session when Ouida was trying to schedule your next appointment, “I think we should meet in person Y/N. Just for coffee or something before school. Sometime between now and our next session. The last time that I seen you upset was after Kylee and to be transparent I am worried about you.”

“I wanted the break,” You insisted, “I am the one who wanted this. We don't have to worry about me. I did this to focus on fixing myself remember?”

Ouida just hummed in the same way she did when she always slightly disapproved of something that you said, “What if Melissa walked in that door right now and said she didn’t want a break and she wanted to work it out with you? What would you say then?”

“That I love her and that I want to try,” You said instantly and you shook your head in frustration, “Fuck.So maybe the break was a bad idea. But in the moment I didn’t know how to tell what happened. Why I was so hurt… and her drinking. I just. It was all too much at once.”

“You were overwhelmed and triggered. You reacted out of survival in that moment,” Ouida soothed, “No one blames you for doing what you thought was right. But after all you and Melissa have been through together. The feelings that you clearly have for her and the way that your life has grown for the better since she entered it. Maybe she deserves the chance to look at everything you have been through and choose to grow with you instead of leaving. She can’t do that if you don’t give her the chance.”

You pondered this but when you heard the key in the lock announcing Janine’s arrival you shut down, “Okay. Coffee, I’ll text you the time and place.”

“Be safe Y/N and cut yourself some slack,” Ouida responded before ending the call. 

Janine entered the room moments later with a plate of food that smelled delicious. She haded it to you and immediately you knew. Her cooking had a defined look to it that set it apart from all others. A smell that was distinctly Melissa no matter what the contents were. Maybe she deserves the chance were the words that filled your mind as you ate across from Janine.

~-~

The school day had ended and Melissa was shaking from exhaustion and the demons that were pounding in her head. They were crawling to the surface through the layer of booze that was evaporating from her. The more she sobered up the louder and crueler they got. She wanted to go talk to you but there was a little voice in her head that said: She will be better off without you. You are a monster. A soul sucking monster. 

Barbara leaned against her classroom door pulling Melissa from her thoughts, “Are you ready to talk Melissa?”

“I’m fine,” Melissa sighed the automatic response falling from her lips. 

“When are you going to stop pushing all of us out?” Barbara asked with a frown across her face, “We are here trying to help you but you won’t let us in. Please MelBell, do I need to beg?”

Melissa couldn’t bring herself to say anything her back. All she wanted for was the pain to stop. Alcohol stopped that pain. Talking through it meant facing the fact that it was eating her alive. That she had long ago lost the sense of who she was and what she was capable of. That her mother had been right after all and Melissa was a failure and would amount to nothing. So she stayed silent hoping after all these years Barbara could fill in the words that she could not. Could save her from herself.

“That voice in your head is wrong,” Barbara said with a firm finality, “And when you finally want to talk, you know where to find me.”

She left without another word, causing Melissa to add another brick to the pile of failures. She gathered the rest of her things and went home. Walking through the pieces of glass left over from this morning, she placed the strawberry mug gently in the sink. Grabbing a whiskey bottle from the cupboard, she took the lid off and took a large swig. She could feel the monsters in her mind hum before she took another drink. She didn't need to talk she just need everything to shut up.

The sun had begun to sink as she got to the bottom of the bottle. Melissa was on the couch with a photo album open, looking at pictures. Most of them were of you and her but included were some candid shots that the redhead had printed from her phone. One was of you with a bowling ball in hand and your head pulled back in laughter. Another one of you walking into Abbott, your teacher's bags slung over your shoulder, your hand reaching back for Melissa.  One of you grading papers lying on Melissa’s living room floor, the end of the pen sticking out of your teeth. The more photos she looked through, the more she wanted to cry.

She held her phone in her hands, looking at the picture of you and the dandelion crown that rested on top of your head. Typically this lock screen made her smile today it only brought guilt. She tipped the bottle, trying to get the last of the alcohol out before she dialed your number. 

~-~

You saw her face light up on the screen. It was from her annual Christmas party with Barb where she had invited Jacob. She was giving you the what the fuck look that you loved so much. With tears in your eyes you answered the phone. 

“Melissa,” You said, not knowing what else to do.

“God, I needed to hear your voice,” She said, and you closed your eyes, a part of you needing just as desperately to hear her. 

“What do you need?”

She hiccuped and that is when the fantasy was ruined, “I missed you today at school. Why are we doing this? I don’t want to be on a break.”

“You are drunk,” You sighed, “Goddamnit why did I pick up?.”

“Wait please don’t go. I went to your room today and my pictures are all gone,” Melissa said the hurt evident in her drunken haze.

“Yes they are,” you said looking at the collection of pictures and items Melissa had given you that had piled high on her side of the bed. A shrine to the woman you could no longer have.

“Am I really that replaceable? That unlovable?” The older woman asked.

“I do love you Melissa,” You said your voice cracking, “I love you so much it fucking hurts some days. It kills me to see the person I want to spend my life with constantly drowning herself in alcohol because she is too scared to admit that she needs help. I am terrified on a daily basis. And I don't know how to help you when I am already drowning in the same thing I am trying to keep you out of. I have tried and tried to help you, but you won't let me, and if I keep going on this path, soon, neither of us will be here. I'm so far in the dark that I can barely breathe. But I kept showing up like nothing was wrong because you needed me more. I am exhausted Melissa. Exhausted from being alive and waiting for you to notice me. To notice that I need help too.  You think that I wanted this break?  You think that I don't wanna be curled up next to you right now falling apart in your arms? That is all I want in this world, but I can't because a little piece of me knows that you deserve something better, that you deserve someone who is going to be able to pick up all those pieces without cutting herself too. All I can think about is how I never once in our relationship deserved you. I love you, Mel and I hope you never doubt that for a second but I can’t do this right now. I have to go.”

“Wait,” Melissa whimpered as she heard you burst into tears, “Why did you tell me this?”

“Because I know you are too drunk to remember it,” You sighed, wiping away your tears, “Goodnight Melissa."

Chapter 4: Drunk Text Me

Summary:

Summary: Melissa is determined to find rock bottom and you are determined to let your bed eat you alive. However, your best friends are unwilling to let either of you disappear.

Warnings: Alcohol Consumption, Hangovers, Allusion to being black out drunk, Flashbacks, Hurt, Angst

(Things are going to get better.. soon-ish. Also! Melissa's sponsor is going to be revealed in the next chapter. Tumblr poll just needs to wrap up)

Notes:

Lyrics: I want you to drunk text me //Just empty it all out, please//Tell me you fucked this up //Tell me you're still in love with me//Wondering if you regret// All the shit you never said

The only thing to remind Melissa of the previous night was a piece of paper covered in sloppy handwriting. It was on the coffee table with READ ME in big letters. But when Mel woke up face down on her living room floor that is not what she was thinking about. Her mind swirling in amber liquids she could still hear them. The little voices in her head.

You did it again Schemmenti. Screwed it all up and set it on fire. Maybe Ma was right you don’t deserve happiness. It’s why it never worked with Joe and now Y/N... Well you can forget about that. You put that nail in the coffin as soon as she said she wanted a break. She doesn't want you. Never did. We are the only ones here for you. Just come swim in the darkness.

“SHUT UP!” Melissa hollered to the empty room, “JUST SHUT UP!”

Melissa grabbed her head nails digging into her hair as she rocked back and forth. When did the voices get so loud? So uncontrollable? She used to have the reign of her own life and now it felt like she was being dragged along. At high speed she hit rocks and cracks that cut and bruised her but she couldn't get off the roller coaster now. 

She staggered to her feet to the small bathroom in the hallway. She almost didn't want to look in the mirror but couldn't stop herself. Her eyes were bloodshot red and puffy. Tears mixing with an exhaustion that vibrated through her body. So deep that she could feel it in all the edges of her soul. Red hair was clumped together and she moved her fingers to pick out a piece of pepperoni. When had she eaten last night? Did she even eat last night? 

Melissa was disgusted with herself. Terrified of the monster that hid behind the green tint in her eyes. The way that it called to her like it wouldn’t stop until it succeeded in drowning her. She splashed water on her face scrubbing and scrubbing until her face hurt. But when green eyes looked up in the mirror the demon was only more pronounced. Ready to consume Melissa bit by bit.

She ran from the bathroom gasping for breath and she collapsed on the couch. There was only one way to silence this demon. It was the only way that seemed to work. She quickly brushed her hair with the hairbrush she kept beside the couch and grabbed her shoes. A bar welcomed her with open arms a handful of minutes later. 

~-~

Janine was sitting on the edge of your bed staring at the Melissa shrine that had taken up half the bed. You were staring at it lost in your own thoughts. How cruel was it that the first time you had the balls to tell Mel you loved her it came out as a heartbreaking sob. It wasn't like she would remember with how drunk she was. More drunk than you had ever heard her before.  Which was your fault. You had been the straw to break the camel’s back. You had run when you should have stood your ground and fought. Fought for her, for your relationship, for yourself. But you were so tired of fighting for everything in life. You didn't want to fight anymore. You just wanted peace.

“Let’s get some lunch Y/N,” Janine encouraged, “You haven't been out of this room in a day. A change of scenery may help.”

“Not hungry.”

“Yeah not a choice,” Janine shrugged standing from the bed and wrapping her hand around your ankle.

With a swift tug you were tumbling off the side. You let out a groan as you hit the floor. You glared up at Janine, “What the actual hell Janine?”

“I already told you that I'm not sitting by like I did with Kylee. Now GET UP,” She yanked your hand and pushed you towards the bathroom.

Once showered and dressed you found yourself sitting down at a local diner. You were still wrapped in Melissa’s shirt and a large cardigan that seemed to swallow you alive. But you were out and eating. That was progress. 

“Thank you,” You mumbled between bitefuls of food.

Janine smiled, “What can I say? I'm just a bad ass. Pulling people out of beds changing lives.”

You laughed for what felt like the first time in days, “Uh huh sure. Remember how you ran after making fun of Mel during the read a thon.”

“I said I was a bad ass not stupid,” Janine replied.

With that you smiled and felt a little lighter. 

~-~

Melissa was only two drinks in before she started to feel that familiar numbness. Still drunk from the previous night it didn’t take much to be at her limit. A limit that she was willing to push past till she found rock bottom. Maybe at rock bottom she could find a place to hide away from the demon clawing at her flesh. She ordered another drink not realizing when the bartender filled it full of soda and left the Jack Daniels out. Once the glass was in front of her the bartender moved around the corner pulling their phone to their ear. 

“Hey Aunt Barb, I think you need to come down here. Your friend Melissa. She is in bad shape and she just got here. I didn’t know who else to call.”

~-~

“Mind if I sit here?” A raven haired woman asked sliding into the seat before Melissa could even answer.

“Looks like you are already sittin so ya might as well stay,” Melissa grumbled putting her head down against the bar. 

“What are we drinking to sweetheart- unrequited love or heartbreak?”

“Maybe a little of both,” Melissa sighed and looked up at the woman next to her, “You ever really fuck something up to the point that you are pretty sure your whole life is gonna end cause of it?”

She thought for a moment then shrugged, “Every choice I have made has been deliberate and I don’t think I regret a single one of them.”

“Not a single regret,” The redhead scoffed, “What I would give to be you.”

They fell into an easy conversation the raven haired woman leaning closer to Melissa with each story they swapped back and forth. Until she was so close that when the older woman turned to look at her their noses were touching. The raven haired woman pulled Melissa in with a tug of her shirt until their lips were kissing. Melissa placed her hand on the other woman and pushed until she almost stumbled out of the chair. 

“No, I already got a girl,” Melissa stammered, “I don’t want this.”

“Yeah and where is she? She the one that you crying over right now? Doesn’t seem like a good girl to have.”

Melissa went to reply but all she could think about was the last time that she had kissed you. It had been so simple like there would be a thousand more kisses that would follow. 

The bell rang to end the school day and as students rushed out of your classroom you locked eyes with Melissa and winked. A smile playing on your lips as you walked over to her, “Hi gorgeous, I missed you.”

Melissa laughed, “You just saw me at lunch.”

“But that was HOURS ago,” You playfully whined and Melissa grabbed your hand pulling you into her classroom. 

She shut the door quickly placing you against it. You wrapped her arms around her neck as she anchored herself to your hips. Melissa leaned in and placed a soft kiss to your lips, “I missed you too hun’. You ready to go home?”

Because that is the day that Melissa had decided that she was going to ask you to move in. You already had a key and used it regularly but the older woman didn’t want any more nights without you. She wanted every night to be spent curled around you allowing your soft snores silencing the monsters in her head. 

“Home sounds perfect,” You grinned standing up to kiss Melissa’s cheek before opening the door.

That had been the last time she had kissed you before the world had fallen apart. Soft and sweet because she knew in thirty minutes you would be in her kitchen sitting on the counter watching her make dinner. She didn’t know it would be the last time you would be together. That her demons would rage so loud on the drive home that insecurity would take the reigns instead.

“Hey gorgeous, where did you go?” The woman questioned and Melissa pulled away grabbing for her phone. 

She pulled up your text thread and sent off one text: I miss you. How do I fix this?

“Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti!” Barbara yelled at the whole bar went silent.

Melissa flinched at the sound. The raven haired woman tilted her head in a question, “That your girlfriend?”

“Best friend,” Melissa replied and braced for impact.

“I'm done with this. I have let this go on for far too long. I am not waiting for you anymore,” Barb hissed, “Get your butt up and let’s go. This isn't how you win Y/N back. Not even a little bit and GOD I am so sick of you pretending you are fine when you aren't. We aren't pretending anymore. We are getting out of here now.”

And that is when the dam burst tears spilling down Melissa’s face as she fell into the older woman’s arms. It was the thing she had been desperately waiting to hear. Barbra held her best friend close slapping down cash on the bar top before heading towards the door.

Through all the chaos no one noticed the raven haired woman say, “Oh so you are that Melissa.”

~-~

Melissa was still crying as Barb pulled into her driveway. The dam had burst and she couldn’t close it nor did she think she wanted to. Her best friend had been right. This was not how she was going to get you back. Alcohol was only going to push you further away and all she wanted was you. She needed it so bad that the idea of being vulnerable and weak in front of Barbara wasn’t scary. 

“Where is your key MelBell?” Barb asked as she guided the red head up the stairs.

Melissa pointed through the porch window and the older woman looked in confusion, “Yes I am sure this house is yours.”

“No my keys are in there,” Melissa sighed head hitting the door, “I was still drunk when I left this morning and walked to the bar.”

Barbara tried the knob cursing when she found it locked, “Do you have a spare key hidden somewhere?”

“The only person with a spare key is Y/N,” Melissa mumbled, “I can call her.”

“You will do no such thing,” Barbara huffed taking the phone from her friend’s hand, “I will get this sorted. You just sit.” So Melissa dropped on the top stairs of the porch and put her head in her hands. She didn’t know how much time had passed before she heard the sound of an engine. Glancing up the redhead noticed your dented Subaru behind Barbara’s black accord. She was immediately on her feet determined that this was all part of an elaborate dream. However when you stepped out in her favorite band’s t-shirt and the cardigan she had gotten you for Christmas she couldn’t hold back anymore. Bounding off the stairs she rushed into your arms aching to be held again. 

You caught her as she fell into her because you always did. Every time she allowed herself to fall you were there to catch her. Like you always promised you would be. Even when it hurt to hold her in your arms the smell of her overwhelming your senses you were there. Melissa was sobbing into your shoulder and you let her rubbing small circles into her back. 

“It’s okay Mel, it’s going to be okay,” You whispered until she finally settled down. 

You turned to place a gentle kiss to her forehead the action so imbedded in muscle memory you didn’t even realize what you were doing. You closed your eyes as tears prickled in your own eyes. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

“Let’s get you inside,” was the only thing you managed to say as you half led half dragged her back up the porch stairs. 

Your key slid into the lock and you pushed the door open before stepping back. Barbara led Melissa in the house placing her gently on the couch before returning back to you. You were standing just outside the doorframe looking inside the home you thought you would one day live in. The place you thought your future would unfold with Melissa. 

“Are you coming in dear?” Barbara asked extending her hand toward you. 

You stepped back shaking your head, “I can’t..”

“I saw the way that you held her,” The older woman noted, “You still love her.”

“Every second of every day,” You sniffed biting your lip, “The meds are on the top shelf of the kitchen cupboard by the fridge. For the first couple hours she is going to need to lay on the bathroom floor. Just till she gets it all out. Gatorades are in the fridge but she only likes the blue ones. If you give her the red one she will pour it down the tub when you aren’t looking. Jalen is the bear she sleeps with… she is going to want it.”

“Dear just come inside. Help me take care of her.”

You shook your head, “I opened the door but I can’t go in. Barbara please I am begging you. Don’t make me go inside.”

Barbara stepped outside the doors wrapping her arms around you. You clung to her calming your breath for a moment as she held on. 

“It’s going to be okay Y/N,” She whispered into your hair. 

You let out a pitiful laugh pushing away from her, “Nothing is ever going to be okay without Melissa. And I mean the real Melissa. Not whoever that is.”

And with that you turned on your heel and got back in your car. Pulling out of the driveway faster than you probably should you drove home with tears falling down your face. In the rearview mirror you could see Barbara crying too. For everything that you both had lost. A best friend and a soulmate drowned underneath amber colored liquid.

Chapter 5: Drunk In The Bathtub

Summary:

Summary: All Melissa wants is you back, and she will do whatever it takes to get to that point. So when the ultimatum is to lose you forever or go to AA. She goes and meets someone she never thought would be there.

Warnings: Alchol mentioned, AA, Hangovers, Flashbacks, Hurt, Angst, If you squint you see some SI but I kept it vagueeeee

Notes:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/72Lp0vkQFB2JyTIAeu6ISO?si=8bdf4c4692d74035

Lyrics: Let me be//Just let me be drunk in the bathtub//D-d-d-drunk in the bathtub

You were in Melissa’s large clawfoot tub water kissing the bottom of your collarbones. Your head tipped back hair falling over the side with your eyes closed slightly. You looked so at peace letting Noah Kahan fill the space around you. Melissa hadn't known who that man was until he met you. Now she could sing along to almost all of his albums and she didn't regret it in the slightest. It was like a soundtrack to the inside of your heart. 

“You are staring again babe,” You said eyes still closed.

Melissa moved from her spot against the door to lean and give you a kiss, “You like it.”

You hummed not exactly denying what she said but not fully admitting it either. You settled back until you heard rustles of Melissa moving throughout the room. You opened your eyes to Melissa stripping down. Clothes were flying everywhere and she was rummaging through a drawer in the vanity.

“Mel… what are you doing?” You asked a giggle in your voice. 

Melissa pulled her hair up into a loose bun before walking over to the tub and stepping in, “Taking a bath with my girl.”

You squealed curling your legs in as Melissa sunk down in the water. Once she was settled she grabbed your ankles pulling gently until they were on either side of her hips. She grinned at you as her fingers gently ran up and down your thighs.

“I can’t with you,” You shook your head but there was a fiery smile playing on your lips.

“You adore me.”

Melissa gasped as she was pulled up from the water by two strong hands on her shoulders. She was fully dressed and the soaking clothes clung to her skin as hair plastered her face. She didn’t even remember how she had gotten into the bath or how long she had been there. Melissa took a moment to regain her composure before she was met by Barbara’s fearful glare. There was a mixture of confusion and concern playing across her best friend’s face and Melissa flinched. 

“It’s not what it looks like,” Melissa said meekly as Barbara emptied the tub.

“You don’t want to know what I think it looks like,” Barbara growled, “But you don’t have time to listen to my lecture right now. Y/N is outside waiting for you. You better hurry, I barely got her to stay.”

“Y/N is here?” Melissa asked scrambling up from the tub and into her closet.

Barbara merely nodded before setting off to clean the mess of the bathroom. The blankets and pillows Melissa had used last night still laid close to the toilet. Water from the bathtub had overflowed creating large puddles on the floor. Melissa scurried through them and down the stairs clad in a shirt you had left at her house and a pair of shorts. 

When she opened the door you were standing against your Subaru picking at the hem of your shirt. Images of running into your arms last night came back to her in small glimpses. She remembered the way that you had caught her and kissed her forehead. Sweet and gentle like you always promised you would. Now here you were fingers gripping your elbows like you were doing everything possible to stop yourself from reaching out to the redhead. Melissa approached you slowly as if one sudden movement would make you turn and run away. She hadn't felt the need to approach you like this in months and all it did was remind her of the crack that was growing between the two of you.

“You are here,” Melissa said with a crack in her voice, “You came back.”

“I had to check on you. You were pretty messed up last night,” You shrugged.

“Will you come inside? So we can talk,” Melissa asked on the edge of pleading. 

You shook your head wrapping your cardigan closer around you, “I don't think that’s a good idea. I just came to return this.”

You outstretched your hand with Melissa’s house key tucked in your palm. A knot formed in your stomach as you watched the redhead’s eyes fill with tears. She had looked so hopefully at you like you would come inside and everything could just be fixed. But now it was like you had slapped it right out of her.

“Please,” Melissa begged her voice cracking, “Keep the key. It’s yours. This is your home too. It always has been and always will be.”

Tears slipped down your face as you looked at the woman you thought you would spend forever with, “I don't think I can do this. We keep hurting each other don’t you see that? You are drowning and I am not strong enough to save you. I never have been.”

“Give me a chance. I am begging you,” The older woman said sinking to her knees in front of you, “I'll do anything for another chance.”

You closed your eyes and let a flashback wash over you. 

Your insecurities had reared their ugly head again as you stood in your classroom at the end of the day. Melissa had invited you out to dinner that night for your third official date. It was her uncle’s restaurant and the weight of that set heavy on your shoulders. This was getting serious with Melissa.  And that terrified you. When things got serious real feelings got involved and after everything you had been through… you didn't know if you could open yourself up again. Allow someone to hold that piece of you and trust them not to shatter it. 

“There is my girl,” Melissa said walking into your classroom.

You closed further into yourself unable to meet her eye. Knowing that if she took one look at you she would see right through you. See how broken you were even though you had promised that your pieces were all back together. You heard the door shut with a soft click and Melissa approached you with a measured calmness. She had done that since the very first time she met you. Walked towards you like a scared cat that would rush away at any sign of disaster and at first it had comforted you. But with your insecurities so loud it just reminded you that you were weak and childish. 

“Sweetheart,” She whispered now standing an arms length away from you, “Those monsters in your head are lying to you. Whatever they are saying is wrong. Please look at me.”

You glanced up tears filling your eyes, “They won’t stop Mel. I’m sorry.”

“Never apologize, not for this,” Melissa replied and reached for your hand, “What can I do sweetheart? Tell me.”

“Am I ever going to be worthy of you?” You croaked looking at the ground.

Melissa sunk to her knees in front of you cradling both of your hands, “Oh Y/N please. I have adored you since the moment you walked in this school and every day I fall for you a little more. I will never leave you or mistreat you. I promise you with everything that I am.”

You came back staring down at the older woman who was reaching for your hand.

“You know the last time you got down on your knees you promised me you would never mistreat me,” You whispered and you watched Melissa flinched.

“And I hurt you,” Melissa whimpered.

“I knew then that you would hurt me and that I would hurt you,” You admitted and Melissa looked back up in you with confusion, “We were bound to hurt each other. When you plan to spend a lifetime with someone there is going to be some moments when we hurt each other. But I promised myself that when the day came I would give you a second chance. Because you deserve that… and then the moment came and I froze.”

“Please Y/n..”

You cut Melissa off, “You want the second chance get sober. Actually sober. Then we can talk.”

You curled your fingers around Melissa’s house key placing it in your pocket. Melissa stayed on the ground but there was a little hopeful smile threatening to come across her face, “I can do this for us. I promise.”

“You always told me that you don’t make promises you can’t keep. I am holding you to that,” You sighed pushing off the car and opening the door, “You know, I always thought the next time I saw you on your knees you would be asking me…  take care of yourself Melissa.”

You didn’t look at her as you drove away but Melissa watched your car until it turned the corner. She wiped the tears from her eyes before she stood making her way back into the house. Barbara was standing in the kitchen among the broken plates and glass. She looked over at the redhead and there was a softness to her gaze that had been absent earlier. 

“What am I looking at MellBell?”

“The contents of my kitchen,” Melissa said standing just outside the mess,  “Y/N had dropped Nonna’s mug and it shattered into pieces right there. She was so scared like I was gonna hit her. Over a mug. But what I did was worse. I had been itching for a drink. I had gone all school day without one and typically it was the first thing I did when I came in. But I was so worried about asking her to move in with me I wanted to start dinner right away. Cooking always calms me down but not that day. She dropped the cup and I snapped. Told her if she thought after all this time that I was gonna hit her she should leave.”

Barbara gasped at this and Melissa bit back tears, “I didn't mean it Barb. Not a single word. You know how much I have tried to step up and be that safe place for Y/N especially since I learned what that bitch of an ex was doing to her. But my head.. the anxiety was so loud and I needed a drink. Fuck I need a drink right now.”

Barbara moved to cover the alcohol cabinet but Melissa didn't move, “I got a problem with staying sober. But I just told Y/N I would stop drinkin’. Then we could talk. Maybe get a second chance out of it. Can you help me Barb?”

“Of course MelBell,” Barbara replied rushing forward to take Melissa into a hug. Melissa curled into her best friend’s chest and cried. Barbara squeezed her close, “I got you.”

When her tears settled Melissa looked at the mess of her kitchen, “I guess I should clean this up and stop punishing myself.”

Barbara nodded, “Yeah that would be a start. Then we get rid of the alcohol… Get you lunch and get you into a meeting.”

They set off to work sweeping up the glass and disposing of it. Once the floor was mopped and a semblance of Melissa’s kitchen remained the hard work started. She moved from room to room gathering alcohol bottles, flasks, and other bottles that were filled with various forms of liquor. Soon her whole island was covered with alcohol. Melissa took in the scene around her and then ran out the back door. At the edge of the patio she threw up chest heaving and stomach laden with guilt. 

Barbara was at her side in a second holding back her hair waiting for the wave to past. When it did she handed her a bottle of water, “Are you okay MelBell?”

“When did it get so out of control?” Melissa asked staring back into her house, “When did I let the monsters win?”

“They haven’t won yet,” Barb amended, “Now let’s make sure they don’t.”

Melissa nodded and they went back in hand in hand. They opened bottle after bottle pouring it down the drain. The redhead’s hand shook as she watched the liquid circle the drain. She could hear the voices pounding against her skull till she had a splitting headache. But she persisted images of your face mixing into the gray of the sink. She could do this for you. For the future that she wanted to create with you. So Melissa focused on the sound of Barbara singing church hymns until the feeling of wanting to rip her hair out passed. 

After lunch Barbara drove Melissa to the community center a couple of blocks from her house. Inside they were holding their weekly AA meeting. Melissa wiped her hands on her jeans and ran her fingers along the necklace that you had given her for your six month anniversary. A little charm of a baseball bat hung low between her cleavage. She squeezed it gently and then left the car. Barbara gave her a reassuring smile promising that she would be back in an hour to pick her up.

Melissa walked into the air conditioned room pulling your jacket closer around her. She looked around the large space and the circle full of chairs. The monsters were pounded against her head again so she kept her sunglasses on blocking out the harsh light. She made her way over to the table filled with coffee and snacks grabbing a styrofoam cup. She had barely ate at lunch her stomach stil in knots but she grabbed a donut just to have something to do with her hands.

That was when Melissa turned and spotted someone she had never expected to see. Long straight hair that stopped right at her hips. A dark blue dress hugged every curve and she had her signature heels on.

“Ava?”

Ava turned around immediately locking eyes with Melissa and smiled, “Red, I was wondering when you would finally join.”

Ava motioned for Melissa to follow and they sat at two chairs pulled off to the side. The redhead just stared at the other woman for a couple of moments unsure of where to start.

“When?” was all she managed to ask.

Ava pulled out her nine month chip with a smile, “Still going strong too. Once I got my job back I decided to make a couple changes. Make sure I do things different this time.”

“But… you are the party girl.”

Ava rolled her eyes, “You act like I have to be drinking or doing drugs to have a good time. I can still break it down without those things. And one day you will be able to as well.”

Melissa was brought back to the moment in Ava’s office when she had insulted her. Ava had taken it with grace and even now didn't flinch when Melissa had judged her life. The older woman looked at her boss, “I'm sorry for what I said in your office that day.”

“I'm not worried about it Red. You were hurting,” Ava said with a brush of her hand, “I know what it's like to lash out when you are hurting so much inside it has nowhere else to go. Now tell me, why you really here? I thought I was gonna have to drag you to rehab soon but here you are walking in on your own.”

So Melissa explained exactly what happened between her and Y/N. How her world came crashing down around her after she lit the match. The hours she lost in alcohol waiting for the pain to stop. She even confided in why she had crawled in the bathtub this morning sinking herself slowly under the water. Melissa spilled it all and Ava listened. Really listened and didn't judge as tears fell from her face in waves. There were no smart comments or jokes just a reassuring hand placed on her knee until she was done. 

“We got a long way to go Red, I hope you are prepared for the fight of your life,” Ava said when Mel was all done. 

“We?”

“I'm your sponsor. You need someone to match the fiery attitude and not back down when you push,” Ava stated leaving no room for argument, “Every morning before school I expect you in my office and on the weekends we will check in by phone. At least for the first month. Make sure you are keeping on track. You got that?”

Melissa nodded her head anxiety rising in her throat. She had nibbled through the donut while talking with Ava. In her now empty hand Ava placed a small rainbow colored chip. On the inside was the number 24.

“And Red,” Ava said and Melissa hummed in response, “I believe in you. Whatever demons you are fighting. They are nothing against Melissa Schemmenti. Don't forget that.”

Melissa smiled moving with Ava to find a seat in the large circle. She spun the chip between her fingers and for a moment let herself feel proud. She was going to get her life back. She was going to get you back. And that was all that mattered.

 

Chapter 6: Don't Give Up On Me

Summary:

Summary: Melissa is working hard to get you back with the help of her friends and a push to be herself. The angst is finally breaking

Lyrics: I'll reach my hands out in the dark and //Wait for yours to interlock //I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you

Melissa couldn't sleep all night, voices echoing in her head, making a constant hum of anxiety buzzing underneath her skin. She wanted a drink. So badly that it shook her body. Making her cold to the bone, no amount of blankets warming her the way that amber liquid would. But she stayed in bed because she knew if she got up she would keep going until the familiar embrace of the bar met her. She clutched her phone in her hand the time, 3 am, looking harshly up at her. Her lock screen was still you smiling up at her and she opened up the photo app to scroll. Her finger immediately stopped on one photo.

You had been walking through downtown Philly trying to find some place to eat after the annual budget meeting with the district. It had been a somber event as it usually was and the usual cheer felt absent in the sunny day. You were holding Melissa’s hand your thumb skimming across her palm. A million words flowing through the action unsaid. Until something caught your eye and your hand was gone and you were running down the street. Melissa stared on in confusion until Janine yelled BUBBLES and took off after you. 

Barbara shook her head and the two older woman followed behind a couple of minutes passing before they finally caught up. Janine was talking excitedly to the store owner holding a large Bluey bubble wand. But you were outside smile broad as you danced among large floating bubbles that were coming down from a fan placed high on an awning. You were doing your best to move between the small globes not letting them pop and you looked absolutely ridiculous. But also ridiculously happy.

“Your girl is quite the spectacle sometimes,” Barbara laughed accepting your outstretched hand. 

You pulled the older woman close dipping her low as you both laughed. The day washed away and Melissa was pinned to this singular moment. Her best friend and her girlfriend dancing on the street bubbles popping against their skin. Rings of water dotting their clothing and a smile that could light up the night sky. Melissa pulled her phone from her pocket and snapped this moment to be frozen in time forever. As the shutter clicked there was only one thing Melissa could think. 

I am going to love this woman forever. 

Because marriage was not something Melissa believed in anymore. It was paperwork and vows that could get shoved aside when it suited the traitor. But purposely choosing to spend a lifetime with a person. To love every version that had come before and was yet to be. That was hardwork. That was undying love. And Melissa was willing to sacrifice everything to have that life with you. 

Tears dotted the picture of you and Barbara and Melissa hurried to wipe them away. She needed something to fill the silence. She pulled up her contacts and clicked on the first contact she could find. She hesitated for only a moment before she clicked the call button. One ring. Then two went through before it was picked up. 

“Couldn’t sleep Red?” Ava asked letting out a small yawn.

“Shit sorry, were you sleeping? I can just wait till tomorrow.”

“Stop that shit,” Ava tsked, “I told you I was here for you. Now tell me what is going on. What has got your demons playing around in your brain now?” 

“What if people don’t love me when I am sober? Like I become so different that people leave ya know? It is has been such a part of who I am I don’t know who I can be without it. Does that person even exist anymore?” 

There was a ringing in Melissa’s ear and she pulled the phone away. Ava was facetiming her. She accepted the call to a  dim lit room with purple led lights turned on in the background of Ava’s screen. The younger woman was laying in her bed a red silk bonnet contrasting the black sheets she laid on. This was a side of Ava that Melissa did not expect to see. Makeup washed off there was a softness to her face that she had never seen before. She wasn’t able to dwell on it long as Ava broke the silence that had blanketed them.

“Damn Red do you not have any lights in your room at all?” Ava asked staring into the black screen. Melissa leaned over to turn on the lamp on her bedside table and Ava smiled as the redhead came into full view, “I needed you to see my face when I tell you this. The people who don’t know how to love you sober should have no right to love you at all. Sure you are going to be different but that doesn’t mean you aren’t you Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti. IN fact you may be more Schemmenti when you ain’t drowning yourself under alcohol. You have to give yourself a chance to be that person first.”

Melissa didn’t stop the tears that rolled down her face, “That feels impossible right now.”

“I know Red, but we gotta take it one day at a time,” Ava comforted, “Now let’s watch some Survivor.”

Melissa didn’t argue when Ava switched to her computer and shared her screen. The most recent season scrolled across the TV and Melissa curled tighter around her pillow. The show played across the top of her phone and Ava tucked into her own pillow was across the bottom. She may not have been in the room with the older woman but Melissa felt a calming presence just being able to see another person. Someone to outdo the demons that were already in her head. Within a couple of moments Melissa fell asleep. Ava stayed awake a couple moments longer making sure that the redhead was absolutely asleep before she closed the eyes letting the narration of Survivor lull her into sleep. 

~-~

You stood outside the school doors a million thoughts swirling in your head when a familiar scent of flowers and something distinctly Barbara surrounded your senses. She stood next to you in silence and you felt an ease come over your body.

“Is she okay?” You asked, already dreading the answer.

“She is doing better. We got rid of all the alcohol in the house and I took her to a meeting,” Barbara said as you both continued to look at the bricks of the building.

Tears of relief fell down your face without warning, “Thank you for being strong enough to do what I couldn’t.”

“You noticed the problem before I did and I have known that woman for over 30 years. I believe I should be thanking you,” Barbara sighed and laced her fingers through yours, “All that matters is she is getting help now.”

“She deserves the world.”

Barbara turned to you wiping her thumb across your falling tears, “She does but I think that you forget that you do too. You are worthy of this world and so much more sweetheart.”

You let out a wobbly smile, “I'm trying.”

“And I'm so proud of you,” Barb reassured, squeezing your hand, “I think sometimes you get so caught up in that beautiful brain of yours that you forget how far you have come. Take a minute to appreciate all of your journey, not just the hard part you are stuck on now.”

You let her words wash over and comfort those parts of you that felt shattered. You had come far. Further than you ever thought was physically possible at times. Yet there were still moments that rocked you to the core. Putting the earth’s rotation at a harsh angle. Forcing you onto your knees and just a little piece of you was so tired of fighting. Of getting back up again and again when all you really wanted to do was lay down and let the rocks crumble over you. But in this moment you let Barbara lead you through the doors. 

Once inside you noticed Melissa down the hall doubled over head in her hands. Without thinking you rushed to her leaning down so that you could wrap one arm around her back. Barbara watched as she leaned against the front desk. The break between you two seemed to be shrinking with each day. It was only a matter of time before things could be set right again.

"They are going to be okay," Barb smiled.

"They sure are," Ava affirmed, making Barb jump at her sudden appearance, "Want to see the new one?"

"Absolutely," The older woman said with sudden interest and Ava placed the coin inside of her palm. Barb turned it over in her fingers, warmth radiating from her as she smiled at Ava, "I'm so proud of you sweetheart. You have come so far."

"Thank you mom," Ava grinned returning her nine month chip to her pocket, "You brought her to my meeting because you knew I would sponsor her, didn't you?"

Barb shrugged, "I had hoped.

Ava only shook her head before walking back to her office. Barb let out a small chuckle before sparing you one more glance. Melissa had fallen into your embrace, her hands still covering her face shielding her from the outside world.

“Melissa,” You said, letting your fingers trace a small circle along her back, “What is going on?”

Melissa stood shakily with  her eyes still closed as she rubbed her temples. The headache from the night before has multiplied and settled between her eyes, “Have these lights always been this bright?”

“Unfortunately.”

“I knew they said the withdraw would come with some light sensitivity and headaches but fuck I don't know if I can teach like this,” Melissa groaned.

You dug through your bag and pulled out a bottle of Aleve, “Here take this. It will at least take some of the edge off.”

As Melissa took the bottle you dug back in, pulling out two more items. A bottle of Dr. Pepper and a banana were in the hand you stuck out to Melisssa, “Caffeine to help the process and a banana to help calm down your stomach.”

The older woman hesitated before grabbing the items, “What are you going to eat?”

“Muffin in my bag,” You assured her and Melissa cocked her eyebrow, “I promise I am eating.”

"Thank you.. for everything," Melissa said the tension between you two pulled so tight it felt like a constraint against her throat, "I have to meet with Ava but maybe... we can see each other at lunch."

"Yeah maybe," You replied with a small smile, "See you later Mel."

Melissa nodded, not wanting to push it any further. She watched as you made your way to your classroom. Inhaling deeply she clung onto the last of your presence before making her way to Ava's office. 

~-~

Melissa stepped into her classroom already dreading turning on the abrasive overhead lights. But instead of the headache inducing buzz she was met with a subtle glow. Hung across the ceiling were strands of fairy lights that illuminated her desks. Towards the back reading corner was a lamp that matched the one next to her desk. Sitting among her organized clutter was a bright orange sticky note. She took it in her hand and smiled as she read:

Had some spare lights. Take it easy Mel.

She knew your handwriting immediately and traced the letters with her fingers. Melissa didn't realize how much she had craved your old notes. You used to leave them all over her house and desk. They were always little reminders of you and often came with bits of motivation that kept Melissa going. She took this new note and placed it gently in her top drawer. It was overflowing with notes and cards that you had give her. All Melissa wanted to do was take them out and read them but just then the bell rang. She flinched at the sound ears already ringing before the day even started. But as the children streamed into the room Melissa focused on the hope that was blooming in her chest.

~-~

Notes to Melissa 

I often wonder if we think of each other at the same time. Probably have because I think about you all the time.

Today sucked. I wish I could lay my head in your lap, watch shitty tv, and tell you all about it while you play with me hair… see you at 5pm.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You’re the only person I want to fall asleep next to.

If we were on survivors blood v water I would take your place on redemption island

~-~

Melissa opened your door and a pang hit her heart as she found it empty. She tried to not let the sadness fill her as she made her way to your desk. She was about to place down your lunchbox when something caught her eye. Back underneath your computer was the dolphin Melissa had given you. Dragging her finger across it Mel tried to let it fill her with confidence. That you still believed in her even after everything that happened. She went to turn and leave but jumped as she saw you leaning against the frame.

"I didn't pack a lunch today," You laughed, shaking your head, "I didn't wake up early enough because my routine is so used to you bringing it instead. Then I went to the break room and you weren't there so I got this instead."

You held up a bag of chips and for the first time in days Melissa laughed, "That ain't gonna fill you baby."

Mel's breath caught at the nickname and waited for you to deny her but you only moved to your desk. You unzipped the lunch box and dug through the contents, "You spoil me Mel."

"Anything for you," She said as she moved towards the door.

"Have lunch with me," It was a mix between a question and a statement but Melissa could see the fear of rejection behind your eyes.

"Can we eat here?" She asked, pointing at the lights, "Still can’t do all the lights."

You nodded and pulled up a chair next to yours. Melissa beamed as she sat down unloading the contents from her own lunchbox. As you got settled she placed down the rainbow chip. You looked between the colorful lettering and her tears coating the corners of your eyes.

"I'm so proud of you Angel."

The nickname stung because in Melissa's eyes she was anything but an Angel. You seemed to read her thoughts because you reached for her hand and squeezed, "You are my angel."

Melissa let tears she didn't know she held fall down her cheeks. You wiped them away with the pad of your thumb and rested your forehead against hers. Minutes passed in silence Melissa steadying her breath to match yours. There was so much to say but no way to put it into words that could capture every emotion that pulsed through the air. It was all too much and not enough at the same time. 

"I'm not giving up on you angel," you whispered and Melissa squeezed her eyes shut to quell another round of tears.

"I know I said we should talk... but for today can we just eat?" Melissa asked a quaver in her voice, "I just need to hold onto this for a moment longer."

"Of course," You commented and placed a gentle kiss along her hairline.

You turned back to your table and began to eat the food Melissa brought. Something about the red head pressed against you eased your anxious stomach and for the first time since that night you actually ate. Melissa took only a couple of bites before she rested her head against your shoulder. Within moments the silence that had surrounded you was filled her her gentle snores as she slept.

Chapter 7: Jealous

Summary:

Melissa is piecing herself together, but a tiny visit from jealousy could make things turn sour fast.

Notes:

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind

The rest of the school day had gone by quicker than Melissa expected after you had woken her up from the impromptu lunch nap. Her head still pounded but there seemed to be subtle break in the tension that had grown between you two.There was still an awkwardness of all the words that were left unsaid but Melissa was clinging onto the small moments that she got from you. Like how you smiled at her at the end of the day when you went out for bus duty.
While the students filed out Barbara took position next to her best friend, “I missed you at lunch today.”
“I ate.. Well mostly napped in Y/N’s room,” Melissa replied unable to contain the smile on her face.
“That is great MelBel. Everything is working out exactly as it should. Are you two finally going to work it out?”
Melissa stuttered over her words for a minute trying to explain, “Yeah I think we will. I asked her if we could talk a different day…”
“Girlfriend,” Barbara chided, “How are you going to work through it if you just keep pushing these moments aside? You have to talk to her.”
“I know, I know,” Melissa protested, “But in my defense I was planning to just drop off her lunch and then leave but she caught me off guard. I figured she needed more time but I showed her my AA chip though and she said she was proud of me. Even called me her angel…”
Melissa cut herself off as she bit back tears. Crying to Barbara was one thing. Crying inside school was entirely different and something Melissa refused to do, “I ain’t an Angel Barb. Not even close especially when it comes to how I treated her. How I treated you.”
Barbara wrapped her arm around the redhead’s shoulder, “Even God’s angels were imperfect creatures. We all make mistakes and we hurt people. It is what we do to fix that hurt and prove that we can do better that matters. Y/N is showing you that she sees your imperfections and wants to give you a chance. Don’t ruin that chance by overthinking it.”
Melissa leaned her head on Barbara’s shoulders, “I am so lucky to have you in my life.”
“Now that is something that we can agree on,” Barbara laughed and Melissa smiled. Maybe the world could go back to normal. Or whatever her new normal was destined to be.
-~-
The next morning Melissa woke with that familiar pang of longing. Your side of the bed still laid empty and even the pillow had lost your scent. She tried to remember the smile you had yesterday but was met with the way you cried in her kitchen instead. Melissa opened the nightstand and went to reach for her flask. It was gone but instead was replaced with a wooden picture frame with words Best Friends Forever etched into the bottom. The picture was from the Please Touch Museum where Barbara was describing all of the things that she loved about teaching. Melissa was looking at her a glimmer in her eye a smile etched on her face. She remembered the day fondly and all of the trouble they had gotten into together. Melissa also remembered what came shortly after this picture. You swatting a hot dog out of Janine’s hand when she was the only one that didn’t get sick from the carousel.
The teachers were lined along the benches stomachs turning as the watched the carousel continue to spin in front of them. Barbara was leaned back staring at the ceiling waiting for the world to slow. Melissa held her head in her hands trying to remember how to breathe. You were tucked in between them one hand rubbing Melissa’s back the other one holding Barbara’s thigh supportingly.
“I feel like I just got out of salad spinner,” Melissa moaned leaning further into you for support. You wrapped your arm around her pulling her tight against you.
Just then Janine ran by hot dog in hand, “Hey guys, there is a guy over there that let you put cream cheese on your hot dog look.”
She stuck it towards your face and you swat it away. It tumbled to the floor and Janine looked at it exasperatedly, “That cost me four dollars.”
“I will give you the four dollars if you get that nasty thing out of my face,” You shot back.
Melissa laughed at the memory and tucked the photo back inside the drawer. It was one of the only days she felt like she could go home and not have to drink. Barbara must have left her little tokens like this all throughout the house to remember what she was doing all of this for. To get her family back and these moments of joy and laughter.
With this encouragement in mind she dressed for work and grabbed her keys determined to give you a little surprise this morning. She pulled up outside your favorite hole in the wall coffee shope. Crystals hung from the ceiling in various colors and random tarot cards were painted across the dark purple walls. There were bookshelves that lined the walls putting the room into a cushion of silence and peacefulness that other coffee shops lacked. Melissa had spent hours tucked into a corner booth with you grading papers or watching you read.
She got into line to order your favorite coffee and was waiting for it when she heard a familiar sound. Your laughter had always caught her attention. Loud but not in a way that was annoying but made it clear that your amusement was genuine. She swiveled and found you in front of your favorite bay window. You were curled into the large arm chair Melissa’s favorite cardigan that she bought you wrapped around you. A smile lined your face as you looked at the person sitting across from you.
A gorgeous woman with dark skin that shined in the morning light coming through the window. Twists were stacked high on her head held together by a grey headband. She was waring a simple red blazer pulled over a black tank top. Even across the coffee shop Melissa could tell that you were comfortable with her. An ease in your conversation as she leaned over to you holding up a chocolate croissant. You rolled your eyes before taking it and ripping a small piece off to eat. The woman laughed and Melissa felt the inside of her stomach twist. Jealousy coursed through her veins and Melissa almost missed the barista calling out her name. She grabbed the coffees doing her best not to smash the cup in her hand.
What right did this woman have to talk to you? To make you laugh and smile? You were hers and Melissa was not about to let you go. She didn’t want a break. She wanted you. She stalked over to where you were sitting her heels clicking against the coffee shop floor. There was no rational thought in her brain as she siddled up next to you.
“Y/N,” Melissa said through gritted teeth putting your coffee down on the table.
You looked over at her a shock expression that transformed into a shy smile, “Melissa this is my therapist Ouida. Ouida this is my girlfriend Melissa.”
Melissa’s jealousy was immediately erased as you reached out to take her hand. There was a humor in Ouida’s eyes as is if she knew the exact range of emotions that the redhead had gone through, “Melissa, it is so good to finally meet you. Y/N and I were just talking about what has been going on lately and there is something she wanted to ask you.”
You turned to shoot your therapist a death glare, “It was an off handed comment. Not something I thought we were putting out there right now.”
Ouida cocked her eyebrow at you and you growled before flipping her off. She laughed and Melissa’s final worries dissipated. How could she hate someone who had helped you through so much? Who pushed you to do things that made you nervous but in the end made you feel stronger. She was the person who was always in your corner even when Melissa couldn’t be.
You looked at Melissa but became anxious at the hopeful expression that played across her features. You glanced away at your lap, “Umm so Ouida and I were thinking that maybe it would be good for us to do couple’s therapy together. Just to talk and figure stuff out together. With Ouida…becuase I am more comfortable with her and I still don’t trust a lot of people after Kylee. But if you think that is a stupid idea…”
“I will do it,” Melissa said adamantly look between you and Ouida, “I would love to do it. Anything to help I am willing to do. Just tell me where to be and when.”
Ouida smiled, “Tomorrow my office down main street. You can’t miss it. Right after school. We can get started.”
You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and Melissa squeezed your hand. You glanced up at her and for the first time in weeks you truly felt like the real Melissa was looking back at you. The one that you had fallen in love with that first day walking into Abbott. Ouida’s observance didn’t miss how you softened with Melissa next to you. The way you gravitated towards her as soon as her presence was known. Or the way that Melissa only had eyes for you the rest of the world fading away. A lifeline between your two souls intertwining through pain,love,hurt, and happiness.
“It’s getting late you to should get to school,” Ouida mentioned breaking the trance that fell over the table.
“Can I walk you to your car?” Melissa asked and you nodded standing up, “Nice to meet you Ouida. I will see you tomorrow.”
You said your goodbye hugging Ouida close before Melissa led you from the shop. Her hand never left yours as you tried to breathe through the mixture of feelings that were building low in your chest. The hope that overlayed the anxiety that you had in what this all meant. If you really could take another chance on Melissa. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable. But as you glanced at the redhead who was beaming at you the charm necklace you gave her still hanging around her neck you could see no other solution. Trusting Melissa was one of the only things that had ever felt right in your life.
When you had reached your car Melissa stopped but refused to let go of your hand. She took a deep breath before she bluttered, “I don’t want to be on a break. I want to be with you. I know we aren’t perfect and we still have things to work out. But when I saw you sitting at that table with Ouida…I thought that you were with someone else and it killed me. I don’t want you to be with anyone else. Please. I just… I want to fix this. Please.”
You laid a gentle hand on her cheek and pulled her up to look at you, “Angel, I am here. I know what I said earlier and I am sorry. I don’t want that. I want to be with you. I just.. we need to work things. No break just…taking it slow.”
“One step at a time,” Melissa smiled placing a hand over yours, “I am never gonna give up on you. On us.”
You went to say something but bit down on your lip. Instead you leaned forward and kissed Melissa’s cheek, “I will see you at school.”
You opened the door and went to go inside but stopped, “Oh and Angel.”
Melissa quirked her eyebrow at you and you smirked, “Jealousy looks hot on you.”
The older woman laughed as she watched you pull away. The smell of you still lingered around her and for once the voices in Melissa’s head was entire silent. There was no one urging her to drink or reminding her of how she failed. Only a bright future that for once felt within her grasp.

Chapter 8: It's Not Your Fault

Summary:

Sorry this is late. Life sucks. Short version.

Summary: Couple therapy is now here for you and Melissa. Nightmares are clogging your morning and emotions have bubbled over for Melissa leaving you both hollow. It is up to you and Melissa to figure out if it is going to rip you apart or build you from the ground up.

Warnings: Nightmares, alluding to past domestic violence, belts in reference to abuse (vague), alluding to parental neglect, alluding to physical violence, Melissa! Fighter, Therapy setting, Couples therapy, crying, hurt/comfort

Notes:

PS- I am currently working through a lot of personal things in my life right now with my future layoff, trying to find a new job, handling normal life, and working double time to make roster for my next derby game. I am stressed. And it shows in my writing. Prepare for a lot of angst with a sprinkling of fluff and hope. Middle picture is absolutely from Pinterest no regrets

Thanks to: @writerspirit for bouncing ideas with me and giving me so many good things to add to this chapter. I couldn't have done this without you. <3

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/72Lp0vkQFB2JyTIAeu6ISO?si=132c385d648e4dff

Thunder cracked in the distance, and you flinched, pressing yourself further into the couch cushions. It was only a matter of time before she would be home, her boiling anger filling every space in the apartment. You couldn’t even remember what had made her so mad, only that she texted you earlier in the day to sit on the couch and wait. After two years together, you realized what she wanted. Dressed in nothing but a bra and underwear, you were shivering but too scared to grab for a blanket. You had tried that once, and it had only caused more pain and missing a week’s worth of classes while you waited for the bruising to go down. So, instead, you waited for your girlfriend and plotted a way to get out of all of this. 

Twenty minutes later, the front door bounced against the wall, and you bit down on your lip to stop from screaming. Kylee stood in the doorway, a menacing grin highlighted against her raven colored hair.  She reached for her brown leather belt and the buckle loosening sent a shiver down your spine. The welts from the previous time still were a red against your back and thighs and you could feel them stinging as she stalked across the floor towards you. With the belt in hand she pulled it taught with a snap. You lost composure and screamed this time and the snapping didn’t stop as the sound of the leather mixed in with the sound of the thunder outside. The rain that you once loved turning into a nightmare that would forever haunt you. 

You woke with a jump the sound of your alarm breaking through the dream. You glanced at your clock and swore when you realized that you had slept through all but your holy shit we are going to be really late alarm. Running to your closet you threw on a pair of black slacks, a plain black tank top and grabbed the first jacket that you could find to pull over it. There was no time to think about the outfit only to get dressed and go. The denim of the jacket wrapped around you as you reached for your bag and rushed through the door. 

 By the time that you pulled into the school there was only a couple of minutes before the bell rang. With your whole morning routine off kilter you looked frazzled by the time that you got to sign in sheet. You were about to take off towards your classroom when something red caught your eye. Sitting across from Ava’s desk was Melissa her shoulders shaking slightly. Typically you would have guessed it was from laughter. The two women bantering back and forth any chance they got but you had learned to read every minute detail of your girlfriend. It was not laughter that spread across her but sadness. Your worries were only confirmed when Ava handed over a tissue and Melissa wiped away at her eyes. 

Another beat past before Melissa pulled at her blazer as if to reset herself. She stood and with a nod to Ava she was out the door. You locked eyes with her and she immediately stopped. Her eyes were puffy and a small sag was pressing down on her shoulders. Yet as she saw you a smile spread across her face. Her whole mood lighten by your presence alone.

“That is my jacket,” She grinned walking towards you, “I have been looking for it and you. Rough start to the morning?”

You looked down at the jacket for the first time all morning and realized it was hers. The one she had worn to help you and Janine learn how to cook. When it had became clear your crush was not going to be going away anytime soon. A week later Melissa had asked you out on your first date. You had stolen the jacket from her one day when you spent the night at her house and had never returned it. Wrapping up in it when the world seemed to be closing in on you. It was like being held by the redhead herself even if she was not in the actual room you occupied. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that after your most recent nightmare that is the one you had gravitated for. Even if the smell of Melissa had long since faded from the blue fabric.

“Yeah, I guess I should give it back. It doesn’t smell like you anymore. Wore it during too many emotional crises,” You joked but there was a sadness to your tone.

“Are you okay?” Melissa asked reaching toward your hand.

“I should be asking you that,” You deflected squeezing her hand gently the cold metal of her rings grounding you temporarily the sound of the bell saved you from more questions, “I’ll see you later Mel.”

You took off towards your classroom and Melissa watched a furrow in her brow displaying her concern for you. Something had clearly thrown you off your balance and a little part of her wondered if it was you regretting the second chance you had given the older woman. However with her jacket wrapped around you hope was still present amongst the monsters running in her head. Pushing these thoughts from her mind she moved to take care of her little eagles. Their smiling faces reminding her that she could make it through this. Another day of being sober and another day of working to win you back. 

Your thrown off morning turned into a crazy lunch period. Just as you were about to enter the breakroom a fight had broken out in the cafeteria that Jacob had needed back up on. Once that had been settled and the kids sent to talk to Ava incident reports were plopped on your desk by Dia that had to be taken care of immediately. You filled it out through small bites of lunch that Melissa had left with a note on your desk. 

That jacket looks better on you than it ever did on me.

You had hoped to catch some glimpse of the older woman but by the time that you had finished the reports and turned them in lunch was over and the chaos in your classroom started again. It kept you pre occupied through the rest of your day the final bell coming as a relief to your frayed nerves. All you wanted to do was go home and curl up in your bed when you glanced down at your calendar. The couple therapy appointment was written in bold letters and everything clicked back in. Gathering your things you stopped by Melissa’s classroom but it was already dark with the redhead nowhere to be seen. A pit formed in your stomach as you worried about if she was going to show up at all. 

However when you opened the door to Ouida’s waiting room she was in a corner chair leg bouncing up and down as she pretended to read a magazine. She looked up noticing it was you and immediately tossed the pages down rushing towards you. Unconsciously you had already extended your arms allowing her to press close to you. Your senses overloaded with Melissa actually holding you for the first time in weeks. Not drunk. Not just grabbing your hand. But fists curled into your jacket. Head nestled into the crook of your neck. Chest pressed close to yours. 

“I haven’t seen you all day,” Melissa said voice muffled as she refused to move, “I fuckin’ missed you.”

You knew that things weren’t mended in your relationship. There were still holes and cuts that put everything in an uncomfortable patch. But in this moment you didn’t care, “I missed you too Angel.”

“Well this is a good sign,” Ouida said, making you jump.

Melissa let go of you dropping her hand to take yours, “Hey doc, It’s been a long day but it’s better now I got her.”

Ouida smiled and a little piece of you melted at Melissa’s words. The therapist waved you into her office and Melissa led you onto the small couch in the room. You had been in this room over a hundred times at this point but something was different about it every time you came in. This time there were two journals laid on the coffee table. One a velvet green with a golden sun etched into the cover. The other a dark purple with a moon etched in silver. 

“For you both,” Ouida said pushing the sun towards you and the moon towards Melissa, “Every night I want you to write in these journals. But I want you to write to each other. Everything that you are to afraid to put into words or what you did during the day. It doesn’t matter. At the end of our time together you will swap the journals.”

Melissa ran her finger over the corners of the journal, “Y/N has always been a better writer than me.”

“Well now you get the chance to practice. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be,” Ouida reassured her, “How was your days? Y/N you go first.”
You knew the routine of therapy by now and knew what she was looking for but the thought of sharing the details with Melissa had you frozen. Her hand now absent from yours the only thing you could do was pick at the sleeve of the denim jacket. Curling into a ball in the corner of the couch you tried to find a way to ground yourself. 

“I had a nightmare,” You started eyes focused on the ridges of the journal’s sun, “It made me late for work and I felt like I couldn’t catch up.”

You could feel both of the other woman look intently at you but didn’t elaborate. Ouida was the first to break the silence, “Since she seems a little hesitant to share I feel I have to ask. Melissa have you been witness to Y/N’s nightmares before?”

Melissa stumbled over her words before she found her groove, “Uh.. I.. Yeah. I have. Almost every night when we first started spending the night together. Then a little less before. Um before the incident.”

You looked up at her shocked that she knew about the nightmares. You swore that you never had experience them around her before. At your confused expression she continued, “You would never remember when you woke up if I asked. At first I thought you were trying to play it off but you genuinely would not remember. As if it was so difficult you erased it from your memory. Then I realized when I started asking it made you really uncomfortable so I stopped alluding to it at all. Learned ways through trial and error on what to do. Asked Janine to fill in the gaps if I could.”

Tears formed at the corner of your eyes as you took in what she said, “You asked Janine how to help?”

“I was scared and figured at some point she must have dealt with it to. Some nights you would wake up screaming. Stop. Please not again. I won’t do it again. Just stop hurting me . I learned really quick not to touch you during those nightmares. You would devolve into shaking that went on for such a long time. I had to talk to you. Quiet and slow. Remind you who I was until you woke up. Janine taught me how to spin you stories to replace whatever would be going on. There would be a little cloud in your eye like you were there but also somewhere far away. Think the screaming exhausted ya so much you would just fall back asleep once I calmed ya down,” Melissa took a deep breath before continuing, “Other times you would start punching and thrashing. You would throw yourself off the bed if I let you. I used to have to hold you to me. Let you hit my shoulders and arms until you got it out. I would curl myself around you and hold you down till you stopped. It felt like torture watching you and having to hold you like that but it was like you couldn’t hear me. Not until you calmed down. Then you would just go completely still. Back asleep without even really waking up.”

You were crying now thinking of how scared Melissa must have been during those moments. Entirely alone and not understanding what was going on. You even remembered her trying to ask you a couple times what had happened from the night before. But you always pushed the fact you had nightmares back. As if ignoring them would make them go away. Instead it had made Melissa suffer in silence.

“Now Y/N,” Ouida said as you wiped away the wetness that rolled down your cheeks, “Tell Melissa why you never talked about these nightmares. What are they about?”

You went to reach for your normal stress ball that Ouida kept on the coffee table but remembered you had shattered it at a previous session. Melissa noticed your panic and extended a silver ring out towards you. An anxiety fidget ring that you had given to her as a gift when class had been overwhelming her. You took it from her gently the smooth metal spinning allowing you to catch your breath. 

“I don’t talk about them because they are all about her.Kylee. I have the nightmares because of Kylee,”You finally managed to get out and Ouida nodded for you to keep going the ring spinning faster in your fingers, “Most of them are about the belts. If I did anything. Spoke to loud, forgot something at the store, misplaced a fast food order, even breathed out of turn. She would beat me with a leather belt. There was one hanging in every room. A fear tactic to keep me following the rules. But the catch was that the rules changed second by second. There was not winning with her. There was only pain.”

A gasp could be heard from Melissa as you subconsciously rubbed your shoulder blade as if a welt would appear underneath your finger tips, “I can still hear the snapping of that belt to this day.”

“And what does the sound remind you of?” Ouida pushed and you could see the connections she was starting to draw.

You didn’t even look up as you spoke, “Thunder and…”

“A hand slapping on a counter,” Melissa finished and there was a crack in her voice, “I am so sorry baby. I am so sorry. I should have never done that.”

Your eyes finally met hers and it broke your heart. Her shoulders were shaking and tears were rushing down her face. The older woman’s hands were clasped together so tight that the tips of her fingers were starting to turn white. 

“Mel,” You said reaching out your hand but Melissa only buried further into herself. You could read all of the thoughts racing through her head. Punishing herself yet again for how she acted that night and how she had driven a wedge between you both. Your heart cracked and you scooted closer till you could wrap your hands around Melissa’s fist, “It isn’t your fault Angel. If I had told you… any of this we could have worked through it together. How were you supposed to know what triggered me when I kept it all from you?  It wasn’t fair. I pushed you away and forced you back into drinking. It is me who should be apologizing.”

Melissa was working to control her breathing as she unlaced her fingers and held your hand tightly, “I was scared that day we fought so I was really yearning for a drink. Something to give me a little courage. It was how I coped with everything.I was going to ask you to move in with me. Start creating that life we always talked about but I was scared to ruin everything. Like I always do… turns out I was right just in a different way. It’s my fault.”

You stilled at her words pieces starting to click together of the night everything crashed. She had been so on edge barely talking to you when you entered the house. Typically she took a couple of minutes to relax before cooking. Always asking how your day was but this time she went straight to the kitchen. Pulling out a large wine glass and then starting on the meal. You had tried to get her to open up and calm down but the more closed off she got the more in your head you became. It was why the glass had slipped in the first place. You were so worried that you hadn’t been paying attention. 

“It seems like all of this really started from lack of communication. Y/N for not wanting to open up about triggers and Melissa for not wanting to talk about her drinking,” Ouida pointed out, “My hope is to work on that communication in our sessions here and for it to come out in your journals as well. Y/N talked about some of her triggers so now the ball is in your court Melissa. Tell us more about your drinking. How did it all start?”

Melissa gulped and pulled herself closer to you as if your side could absorb her in, “Well I uh…had my first drink when I was ten maybe? It’s um. Okay. I have to. I need a second.”

You wrapped one arm around her the other still holding tight to her hand. Melissa took deep breaths trying to calm herself down. No one pushed her to talk Ouida only reached her hand across the table and rested a light hand on the redhead’s knee. When Melissa finally settled she patted Ouida’s hand and leaned her head against yours. 

“I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I’m not a Schemmenti. Not technically. My mother lied to my dad about how she got pregnant with me. I grew up with him as my Dad but really he was my step dad. She adored my step dad. Had been pining after him for years and was trying to win him over. She trapped him with his Catholic values. Saying that since she was pregnant they had to get married. When I came out a redhead he knew she was lying. My birth father was irish and everyone in his family has this burning red hair. There was no hiding it and divorce wasn’t an option. Not in the Schemmenti family. Instead he choose violence. Beating my mom into submission but he never laid a hand on me. He tried once and my mom almost cut his wrist off with a butcher knife. So instead he found a different way to beat me down.”

“He trained me to fight. Said that to earn a place among his favorites I had to win in the fighting ring. So I started training at 9 years old in the boxing ring. Anytime I messed up the boxing pad would knock me to the ground. He would hit me over the head with it. Knock my knees out. Body slam me. I learned really quick that I had to get it right or at least die trying. I was in the ring on my 10th birthday. Mom was at home with my two youngers siblings at the time but she encourage this whole thing. Told me it would build me character. That no daughter of her would walk the world without knowing how to fight back. My step dad told me if I didn’t win he would toss me out the car on the way home and make me find my way back.”

Melissa paused for a moment to wipe the tears from her face, “This wasn’t normal fighting. This was an all out brawl. The only way to win is if the person gave up or passed out. The girl I faced my first time was twice my size. But I was fighting for my life. I won that match and 60 more after that until I went to college. I was called Firecracker for my fierce temper and how I could always be a sure win for the bets. My father placed bets from the first game to my last. After that first game my dad shoved a beer in my hand and told me I earned a little relaxation. It hit hard taking me to a place where I was utterly numb. No emotions. No feelings. Nothing. Which I craved more than anything else. I just wanted to escape this life I felt so trapped in. Soon I was drinking even when I didn’t have a fight. The only reason I graduate was because high school was easy and any time I came home with a grade below an A my dad scheduled me for more fights. I learned really quick how to stay away from fights.”

“Right before I went to college my Aunt Anne was really drunk and told me the truth behind why I was fighting. That my dad really wasn’t my dad and he said I had to earn my Schemmenti name. My Aunt Anne told me I would never be a real Schemmeti no matter how many fights I did. He was gonna fight me till I died in the ring. At my fight that night I set out to prove everyone wrong. I fought like I had nothing to lose because I didn't. Either I won or I died in that ring. I beat that girl until they pulled me away from her. She didn't wake up for two days. I looked at my step dad waiting for him to be proud of me. Asked if I was a Schemmenti now. He said I would only be a bastard bitch.  I stopped fighting after that. I would have flashback of that girl pleading for her life…I still do. They echo in my head every time I don’t drink. If I let myself think for one second I see her face and the damage I caused. I had to get out so I moved and lived in my car till I moved into my dorm. ,” Melissa let out a choked sob, “I have never been anyone. Not a Schemmenti. Not a McLaren. Not even a Smith. No one has ever wanted me for me. I don't even know who I am anymore or if I ever knew to begin with. ”

You looked over at Melissa thinking of a million things you could tell her. That you saw her. The real her. The woman who showed up early at school to make sure her classroom was set up just right for her kids with neurodivergent needs. The woman who listened to every gospel song Barb had to practice for a big show. The woman who learned Gregory’s food aversions and made him a week’s worth of nutritional but safe meals. The woman who had helped Jacob find a new apartment after his break up and visited weekly to play board games. The woman who went toe to toe with Ava but kept it humorous and brought out the best in the principal. The woman who listened to all of Janine’s wacky ideas and tried to find ways to incorporate it into the curriculum pulling strings when needed. The woman who had looked at you and your broken pieces and saw more. Who chose you and never stopped. You saw her.

You went to tell her but she continued on, “I tried to get sober after I cut ties with my step dad. I was doing well out on my own till my dad came along. The real one. His name Len McLaren. An Irish pub owner who stepped out on his wife to sleep with my mom. He came to meet me once. Look at me and spilled his heart out about how he should have done better by me and loved me. But it was all a lie to get me to donate a liver to his daughter. With my history of drinking… I couldn’t do it. I tired but they wouldn’t let me. He called me disappointment and told me to never talk to him again. I thought he loved me..”

“At that point drinking was my only way through. To numb everything that felt so… all consuming. It all felt so pointless to be sober when my life was already ruined from it,” Melissa sighed leaning further against you, “I found Joe at the bar. And with one shred of kindness I gave him everything. No questions asked. He never hit me. Never yelled. But he was never there. Always with another woman. Finding himself somewhere else. I forgave him over and over because I knew that I deserved that pain. Then when we got married he told me no bitch like me would ever take his name. So I stayed a Schemmenti. I didn't feel like anyone… just a feather in the wind till I found you Y/N. You made me feel like someone. Like I was more than just this thing existing in the world but a real human being. One that mattered and could be loved. Until that day you told me to find someone better…I can’t find find someone better than you. There is no one else for me and losing you. I can’t.”

“You aren't going to lose me. Ever. I promise Mel,” You said through tears turning to wrap Melissa in a crushing hug. You placed your forehead against hers, “I see you Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti. I know who you are.”

Melissa  let out a choke sob before burying into your shoulder for a couple of moments letting the comfort of your words rush over her. Ouida waited till a calm seemed to come over the room, “Look how strong both if you are. To overcome all that has been put against you to find each other. It is no one’s fault for what happened. Blaming yourself is not going to fix it. But maybe this will. All of this honesty and vulnerability. It isn’t going to be easy but that is why we are working through it together. One day at a time.”

You leaned back to wipe the tears from Melissa’s face and for the first time in your whole relationship you saw the woman underneath the amber liquid. All the way to the little girl who from the first moment she opened her eyes wanted to be loved. And you loved her. Every single line, moment, scar, and memory. Hoping to express everything without sayin the words you placed your lips to her temple.

“One day a time,” You both whispered. 

Melissa didn’t let go of your hand as the next therapy appointment was scheduled and your journals were collected. Placing them in your respective bags Melissa gave Ouida a swift hug with one arm whispering something in her ear. Ouida smiled a watery look coming over her eyes but she only smiled in response. From there the redhead lead you from the building making sure that her side was always pressed against hers. 

“Are you okay?” You asked Melissa as you both stopped outside of your car, “Therapy has a way of being helpful yet draining everything out of you at the same time.”

“It’s been a long day that is for sure,” Melissa chuckled darkly, “My sponsor had me talk through all of this during our morning meeting to make sure I prepared myself. That way it wouldn’t be as triggering to talk about it. Talking about my drinking is hard but with you… it doesn’t seem as scary.”

“Ava is your sponse,” You said barely above a whisper a lightbulb clicking in your head.

“That easy to guess huh?”

“Only because I pay attention to you. After I saw you in her office I thought something was up,” You shrugged, “Is it helping? The meetings with Ava? AA?”

Melissa smiled, “It really is. Still have a long road ahead of me but I got you to help me along the way right?”

You nodded before kissing her cheek gently, “You got me every step of the way Angel. Can I call you later?”

“Of course,” Melissa said immediately and then stood back to watch you climb in the car. She shut the door gently and gave you a small wave as you pulled out of the parking lot and down the street. 

She walked to her car slowly letting the setting sun and cool breeze that came with it calm her racing heart. Therapy had taken everything from her. Remembering all those old memories and watching your reactions had cracked her shell. Vulnerability had never been her strong suit but if that is what she had to do to get you back she would. Never again was she going to let you slip through her fingers because she was afraid to speak. 

When she entered her home the silence seemed to suffocate her so she quickly open Spotify clicking on the first song that popped up. The music filled the space around her and the lyrics played back in her head as she had made her way to her room.  Well it’s not your fault that someone came // into your life and messed up all your plans // and it’s not your fault that you were kind // and nice enough to give a second chance // and it’s not your fault that you were strong // and had to be when everyone forgot.  

Melissa showered with her phone sitting on the sink playing the song on repeat. The hot water washed away from the grime of the day and the emotions that still seemed to seep from every pore. When it had turned cold she got out looking into the mirror. Something she hadn’t done in days afraid that the monster would be waiting on her. Instead tired green eyes looked back at her. A semblance of the woman she used to be not the monster she had become and it made her smile. 

Once in her closet she riffled through her clothes finding the last shirt that you had left and pulled it around her. Then she pulled up all the drawers until she found every single belt she owned. She threw them in the trash can taking a deep breath, “Never again will she be triggered in my house. Not by this.”

As the final words fell from her lips her phone began to vibrate. Your face looked back up at her with a Facetime notification. She answered and there you were wrapped in your bed buried amongst the pillows and blankets. You were exhausted that was plain a heaviness to your soul before you even spoke.

“Hey that is my shirt,” You joked but your usual smile was absent. 

“Says the person that has my jacket,” Mel grinned in return, “If you give it back I will wear it for you. Get that Melissa smell you wanted back.”

“I want it back in three days,” You said seriously, “It’s mine by common law.”

“I promise I'll give it back baby,” The older woman joked and then softened when you didn't even smile, “Why did you call sweetheart?”

“I just… It’s been an exhausting day. I needed to hear and see you,” You admitted, “I know we just saw each other. But I.. I need you.”

Melissa almost offered to come over. Wrap you up in her arms and kiss away your worries. But she hesitated, torn on where the line was. So instead she put the decision on you, “I am right here,how can I help?”

You paused for a moment, “Can you read to me?”

“Of course,” Melissa grabbed the book on her nightstand sliding on her glasses, “This okay? I'm working through it with my kiddos but I like to read ahead.”

“Tristan Strong,” And your smile finally appeared, “When did you start that?”

“Over the last week. Someone told me that I should be reading more diverse books to my children so they know superheroes can look like them,” Melissa winked making you laugh, “Now relax, I got you baby.”

Within minutes you were asleep but Melissa kept reading until the chapter was done. Your snores filled the space around her and she watched you over the phone. Curled into the pillow an ease to your presence finally. As if Melissa alone could scare away whatever was haunting you. She laid down on her own pillows propping you up against her stack of books. Leaving the light on so you could see her if she woke up she settled down to sleep. She blew a kiss towards the screen and whispered I love you baby .

Chapter 9: ILY

Summary:

Summary: It is Melissa and your one year anniversary. Things are necessarily right between you to yet but Melissa is tired of waiting for everything to be perfect to tell you what she feels.

Warnings: Small Angst/ Insecurity

Notes:

Song: Wish that we'd say it // But scared it will change us//
And I// I'll say it first if you do// I-I, I love you

Dear Y/N,

Today is our one-year anniversary. I have been planning this day for weeks. I wanted to be able to wake up next to you and shower you in kisses. I would have recreated our first date night meal, and we would have laughed at our dining room table. We would have fallen into bed together, and I would have shown you all of the ways that I adore you. I would have spent the night tracing the lines of your body that I have memorized as you slept, wrapped in my arms. It didn’t work out that way. Instead, I woke up before my alarm, to you still sleeping over the phone. My bed was cold, but waking up to you for the first time in days is the best one-year anniversary gift I could have asked with all things considered. When you woke up, there was an easy smile on your face when your eyes caught mine. It was like you forgot all about our arguments and what had been going on. It hurt when I saw the switch flip, and you told me you had to hang up to get ready for the day. I could tell that you wanted to say so many things, but instead, you just said that you would see me later. Fuck I miss you and the way you looked at me. Like I was the sun on your darkest days. I don’t know if we are ever going to get back to that point, but it is what I dream about every night. 

I am trying to be positive, and Ouida mentioned that we should work on our communication, so I wanted to tell you about how I felt during our first date. One year ago, I asked you to have dinner with me. It was the first thing in the morning, and you still had that grumpy crinkle in your brow like you always do when you aren’t fully awake. As if you are upset that you had to leave the dreamland behind. I was nervous as hell. Barbara had spent at least twenty minutes talking me through what I should say and how I should ask. I think she was sick of hearing me swoon over you like a love-sick child. I don’t think you could tell, though, because you smiled and nodded immediately. There was a little glimmer in your eye that I had already come to love. I wanted to kiss you right then, but I was trying to take it slow. Learn how to get through your walls without breaking them down like a bull in a china shop. 

When you said that you were free to come over to my house for dinner, I felt like I was walking on clouds. I had cornered Janine to tell me your favorite meal. I wanted this date to be perfect. The monsters in my head were calm for once, so caught up in all that I had to do. It was the first time that I hadn’t felt suffocated by them. Barbara stopped by the house to pick out an outfit for me. I told her it really didn’t matter, but it did. Of course it did. It was you. It was nothing fancy because it felt weird dressing to the nines in my own house. My signature leather pants, black tank top, and black sweatshirt. Simple yet brought out all my damn curves. Barbara said she wanted me to be comfy but sexy. I know it shocked me that she said that too. I kicked her out just in time because moments later, you pulled into the driveway. When I opened the door to you, I was immediately in awe. Oversized burgundy cardigan with loose mom jeans and a black t-shirt. Comfy and casual. It was perfect. 

Dinner was amazing, and our conversation never stopped. Everything always felt easy with you, and when we curled up on the couch to watch a movie, I couldn’t help but pull you next to me. Holding you felt like gluing pieces of me back together. It is the first time that I have felt whole in years. I knew then that I could never let you go. You turned to look at me to ask me what movie to watch next, and I kissed you. I couldn’t wait anymore. My heart was beating so loudly I swore you could hear it. My body was shaking, but then my lips pressed yours, and the world stilled. Absolute quiet. For a person who lives with a raging demon in the back of her head at all times, the silence was… comforting. Like finding a peace that I thought I lost forever. When I pulled back, I pressed my forehead to scared to look at you in case everything I felt was one-sided. 

Instead, you giggled, a short musical one, so then I had to look. You were grinning up at me, and then you pressed another kiss to my lips. Before you left for the night, I asked you to be mine. I didn’t want to wait for more dates to pass by because I knew then, sitting on that couch, I wanted to be with you. For as long as I could have you. This last year with you has been the best year of my life. I hope you know that…I should tell you that when I see you today. I promise you I will. I should have told you before, but I love you Y/N. I love you more than all the stars in the damn sky.

Melissa arrived at school later than usual, her journal entry swallowing a large part of her morning. She rushed to your classroom, where you were already writing on the board. You had that same burgundy cardigan on from your first date, and she wondered if it was intentional. With your back turned, Melissa studied you, trying to build up the courage for everything she had to say. As she glanced at your desk, she smiled when the pictures of her were now back amongst your knick-knacks. Pieces were slowly coming back together. There was hope pulling her further away from the demons in the back of her mind.  

“Your coffee is next to the dolphin,” You smiled, catching Melissa’s attention, “May be a little cold.”

“I am sorry I was a little late getting out of the house this morning. Was writing in my journal to you,” Melissa responded, grabbing for the coffee, “I will take cold coffee from you any day though.”

You laughed, moving to stand on the other side of the desk opposite the redhead, “Remember the cardigan?”

There was a silent plea in your face. You wanted her to remember but were terrified that she had forgotten. Melissa sat on the edge of the desk, pulling you in until you were slotted between her legs. She moved a strand of hair behind your ear, “Of course I remember. You wore it on our first date. One year ago today, when I asked you to go steady with me.”

A snort escaped you as you rolled your eyes, “I still can’t believe that is how you phrased it. So old-fashioned.”

Melissa grinned, “Happy anniversary, baby.”
“Happy anniversary Angel,” You closed your eyes as if debating what to say next. 

Melissa was terrified of the worries that would come spilling out, so she cut you off, “I have your gift. I bought it a couple of weeks back, and I was wondering if maybe I could give it to you.”

“I have yours too,” You went to move back, but Melissa wrapped one arm around you and held you close to her, “You have to let me get it.”

Melissa relented, and you moved to your backpack, pulling out a small bag. She reached inside her own purse, a small black box clutched in her palm. You moved back, standing further away than Melissa would have liked, so she curled her fingers through your belt loop, pulling you back in front of her. Giving gifts always made you a little extra self-conscious, and you handed over the bag without looking up from the ground. Melissa pulled away the red tissue paper until a small box revealed itself sitting on top of two tickets. The older woman opened it to a small number-one silver charm. 

“For our one-year anniversary,” You mumbled, twirling your fingers, “I am sorry if it is lame…”

“No! This is amazing,” Melissa reassured you, a smile already on her face, “You have to put it on though. You know the rules. Only you can take off the necklace.”

You shook your head but smiled as you remembered the day you had given Melissa the necklace. You had sealed the lock with a kiss, and Melissa had said that now only you could take it away. She pulled up her hair, and you pulled the clasp to the front, gently pulling the lock. You slid the new charm on until it rested against her baseball bat. You placed the lock back, leaning down to kiss the metal gently. You positioned the necklace back to its original spot, and immediately Melissa fiddled with the charms.

“Just imagine how many are going to be on this one day.”

You nodded in agreement and pushed the bag back towards her, “You still have more.”

Digging inside the bag, Melissa pulled out two tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles v NYC Giants game. She let out a whoop of victory, scanning them over, “You didn’t! These seats are amazing. How did you pull this off?”

“A magician never reveals her secrets,” You grinned.

“You are coming with me, right? I have an old jersey you can wear, and I can tell you all about the game. We are going to have so much fun,” Melissa said excitedly, practically vibrating from joy.

A note of insecurity lipped through your voice, “If you want me to come. If not, you can take Barb or Ava.”

“I want you to come,” Melissa promised, but you could see the pain behind her eyes starting to grow again. The reminder that originally you would have said yes immediately, but a part of you still felt like you didn’t deserve to have access to that part of her world anymore. She pushed this from her mind, grabbing your hand, “There is no one else I would rather take with me, baby.”

“Then I will be there,” You said, attempting to break apart the tension.

“Open your gift now,” Melissa urged, putting the box back in your hands.

You pulled back the lid to a gold necklace. The word Always was written in handwriting that you had to come to know immediately. Melissa had a small blush across her cheeks as your fingers traced the lettering. You extended it out to her.

“You have to put it on. Those are the rules.”

You turned around and pulled up your hair up to expose your neck. Melissa looped the gold chain around you, and you involuntarily shivered. You could feel her hot breath as she leaned in to press a kiss to the lock. She lingered for a moment, kissing the top of your spine and each side of your neck before she pulled away. You were covered in goosebumps when you turned back to the redhead. You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself as you caught that look in her eye. A twinkle was there with her pupils blown that any other day would have made you weak in the knees. Making sure the door was locked so that you could run your hand along her bare skin before school began. But this wasn’t any normal day. 

“Please don’t, Mel. Don’t say it. Not like this,” You begged, looking at the other woman backing away from her reach. Tears were filling your eyes, and your heart already ached. You could see the words on her lips, ready to be said. You were so desperate to hear them that you could have crumbled. But you didn't want to hear them like this. When there was still a gaping hole between you both. When you were still afraid that she was going to pick up and leave at any moment, leaving you in shreds.

Melissa just shook her head, “Somebody told me that I have to say what I feel, even when things are not perfect. I know we aren’t perfect right now, but I can’t go another day without saying this. This last year has been the best year of my life, and I love you. I should have told you a million different times. I have loved you for months, and I am still in love with you. I will continue to love you every single day of my life. You are my always. I will continue to work every day to rebuild what I have broken. I love you Y/N, and I am not leaving. Not today…not ever if you let me.”

The words were sweet to your ears, and they melted your heart. You could feel the corner of your mouth start to turn into a smile, but the weight of all of it came crashing down upon you. You were both two broken halves, and the thought of losing her to alcohol again by rushing this was all-consuming. Mostly, you were afraid of ruining it like you always had before. Tears were falling down your face as you went to turn the door handle to leave. 

“You told me you loved me first,” Melissa said, standing up and digging through her purse, “Six days ago on the phone, you told me that you loved me.” 

You stopped, and a watery smile crossed your face, “You remembered.”

Melissa pulled out a folded-up note and handed it to you. As you read the words, she repeated them out loud to you, “She told you that she loved you. She said that it hurt to love a person who was drowning themselves before her very eyes. It hurt to hear how much pain you caused, but she said she loved you. If you get a second chance you can’t fuck it up Melissa. You love that woman. You would marry that woman. Build a life with that woman. Get sober. Stay sober. Earn that love back.”

You handed the note back as the bell rang. Brushing your tears away, you leaned in to kiss the redhead gently on the cheek, “You never lost that love, Mel.”

You didn’t elaborate, just stepped out into the hall where kids were already running to their classrooms. You disappeared into the chaos, and Melissa was left standing, one hand wrapped around her charm necklace and the other one clutching her note. 

Dear Melissa,

It’s our one year anniversary today. It feels… hard to be separated from you. Especially today. I still remember that first date like it was yesterday. I had been so nervous. I hadn’t been on a date since Kylee. But you were so sweet and patient. It didn’t feel scary it felt like coming home. And waking up to you over the phone today broke my heart. I wanted you to hold me. To tell me everything was going to be okay. What have I done? Did I create a crack between us that never should have been? Are you ever going to forgive me for what I have done?  I am sorry Mel, I am trying not to be scared all the time, but I don’t know if I can do it. Please forgive me. I love you. 

Chapter 10: Easier

Summary:

A thunderstorm is raging outside and Melissa is rushing to save you from yourself

Notes:

Every time I feel okay // I pull myself back down again // Say I should be doing better // but if I talked to somebody // the way I always talked to me // there'd be no one left (other lyrics in italics below)

Dear Melissa,

My sister called me this morning and told me she was coming out to visit in a couple of weeks. She was so excited to finally be able to come out and see me in my new home turf. Something has come up every other time she has tried but she got the time off work, already booked the ticket, and found a sitter (and a backup sitter) for the dogs. You know what she was most excited for? To see you. To meet you. Because she has heard so much about you and is so happy I found someone who cares for me and loves me. I started to cry on the phone hearing how happy she was. She asked what was wrong and I told her everything that happened. Explained that it was all my fault and that I didn’t know if I was ever going to get you back. Not after I had treated you. 

I expected anger but she sighed. Full body sighed and told me I was doing it again. Beating myself up and minimizing my own feelings. She reminded me that it was okay to still be triggered by things. That maybe I didn’t respond in the best way that I responded the only way I knew how at the time. I put the ball in your court to fix what had been broken and you raised to the occasion. I think it made her even more excited to meet you in a way. Does that sound weird? She may love you more than she loves me already.

I tell you this because I needed to hear those words from her. That maybe I wasn’t all to blame. I am sure that you would have told me the same thing but I am still working on believing that maybe I did not create an insurmountable crack between us. It may take me time and I am so sorry Melissa. I am trying. I really am. I just don’t think I am very good at it. 

-~-

A couple of days had passed since your one year anniversary with Melissa. Lunches still happened in your room away from prying eyes except Barbara had come to join you now with Janine occasionally stopping in to check in on you. There was something nice about this smaller group. Not that you didn’t love Jacob and Gregory or mind when Ava burst in randomly to a conversation. But it felt like all your effort was being put to holding yourself together that you didn’t have the mental space to put on a mask for the rest of them. With Barbara and Melissa you could just be you in whatever capacity that was. Barbara always giving you a reassuring squeeze on your shoulder before she left as if that would help keep the glue from cracking. 

Melissa and you texted all throughout the day and as soon as you got home and decompressed from the night your phone was propped up with her on the other end. That was the extent of it though. She never came over, dates were not planned, it was like being together and still so separated. Some nights after you would fall asleep Melissa would stay up crying. Trying to figure out how to make it work.  Her heart ached for you but she tried to take it one day at a time. 

The redhead was leaving another AA meeting when a snap of lightning crossed the sky. The thunder that followed shook the ground and she swore as an onslaught of rain drenched her. She rain to the car her boots creating splashes as puddles automatically formed. Once inside the safety of the metal doors she pulled out her phone to call you. It went straight to voicemail and Melissa tried five more times before she finally gave up. Flinging her car into reverse she rushed to your condo. 

Letting out a sigh of relief that your car was still in the driveway she parked and ran up the steps to the front door. She went to use the key but stopped when she saw a balled up figure pressed into the chair in the far corner. 

She spoke quietly as to not frighten you, “Y/N, is that you?”

You raised your hand just above the blanket but you were shaking. Melissa walked over to you cautiously, “I am here baby. Can I touch you?”

You reached out your hand towards her and she took that as a yes. She climbed into the chair around your body pulling you towards her. Once she was settled you grabbed onto her shirt your fingers curling into a fist. She rubbed your back pulling the blanket closer around you. You sat in silence for a moment letting your girlfriend gently rock you. She didn’t push you to speak or unravel yourself just start there. A calming presence for every flinch that happened when thunder crackled across the sky. 

When there seemed to be no end in sight Melissa spoke gently, “My love, is there a reason we are sitting on the porch in the middle of a thunderstorm?”

“I wanted to show myself that I don’t have to be scared. That it was just a storm,” You croaked another crack of thunder causing you to jump, “But I was wrong. I am not ready. Then I was stuck out here cause my door has been automatically locking when I leave...I forgot and left my keys. My phone is in the house. I couldn’t call anyone so I just sat.”

“I have your key,” Melissa stated but you clutched onto her not wanting her to leave, “We are going to have to figure out how to get there though.”

She paused for a moment contemplating how to manuever to the front door without letting you go. Digging into her purse she pulled out her keys positioning them so yours was separated. Holding it out to you there was a determined look in her eye. 

“You are going to have to open it but I will carry you there,” She stated looping one arm on your back and one underneath your knees. 

Saying a silent prayers that her knees would hold she raised out of the chair. Pausing momentarily to make sure that she had her balance Melissa kissed your forehead gently. Crossing to the front porch you reached out of your cocoon to flip the locks. Stepping inside Melissa didn’t bother to turn on the lights just kicked the door shut and proceeded to your room. The sound was muffled back here but still loud enough that she could feel you shake against her. She went to place you on the bed but you clung to her. Unable to let go.

“Don’t leave,” You whimpered.

“Not going to but I need clothes. Otherwise we going to be sleeping in a puddle of rain water. Give me five minutes,” Melissa promised, “I will narrate everything I do so you know exactly where I am. “

You nodded and allowed your fingers to uncurl. Melissa moved away her voice trailing behind her. She went to the laundry room stripping away her wet clothes putting them in the washer and restarting the load that you had forgotten about. Moving back to the bedroom she dug in your closet looking for something to wear. Smiling she found her favorite things to put on - a blue ratty old t-shirt that had large holes along the collar with fading white script that said Teacher Off Duty - it stopped around the top of her thigh. She had worn this shirt almost every time that she had come to your house claiming it as her own. Once she had her hair up in a messy bun she completed her final step putting orchestra music to play across your TV allowing it to swallow the last of the thunderstorm outside. 

Making her way back to the bed she slid into bed on her side peeling back your cocoon. She smiled softly at you, “See my love I told you I wasn’t leaving.”

Your heart melted against the new nickname that had become common after Melissa’s love confession. You were still shaken letting the music calm your frayed nerves. The older woman reached over cupping your cheek gently before she placed a kiss on your forehead. 

“You don’t have to be healed right now baby. It is okay to still be scared. It doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Tears began to run down your face as you tried to explain the demons that raced in your own mind, “ Life is cruel but not as cruel as me. It’s hard to keep my head up when I’m face-down facing demons that I’ve gotten to know but I can’t control it.  Now I’m bleeding out, but to proud to ask for help. I’ma a mess, but I hold it all together. There’s got to be some way to feel something other than this. Why the hell can’t it be easier to be easy on myself? ”

The way that you opened yourself that way broke Melissa’s heart. To know that you were struggling with your own monsters trying your best to make it seem like everything was okay when all you wanted to do was fall apart. She knew the feeling all too well. It made her want to pick away the monsters from your head and rip them into shreds. To save the person she loved from the things she herself couldn’t see

“I wish you could see yourself from my eyes,” Melissa gently kissing away the tears on her cheeks before she spoke “You are so strong, and I know that you may not always see it but you are doing a great job. You are one of the smartest, funniest, most hard working people I know. You are going to be healed one day. Maybe not the same as you were before but better because you will have worked through all this trauma and come through the other side. I am so proud of you and if I need to be that reassuring voice in your head until that voices gets it shit together I will be. I love you and I believe in you.”

You didn’t think about it terrified that you would talk yourself out of it. You just leaned in and pressed a kiss to Melissa’s lips. Everyone said that kissing the person you loved was like fireworks, bright, loud, sparkling. But kissing Melissa felt like coming home after a long day curling up with a blanket and letting your body finally relax. The moment stretched on as Melissa held onto your cheek her fingers curling into strands of your hair. Finally she broke away leaning her forehead against yours.

“Thank you for coming to my rescue,” You said using it to replace the words that were still stuck at the bottom of your throat. 

“Of course my love,” Melissa whispered still catching her breath, “I will always be here to rescue you. Now come here so I can hold you. I miss holding you.”

You kissed her forehead before you positioned yourself to lay against her. Laying on her back you placed your ear to her chest letting the beating of her heart fill your head. Her arm wrapped around you her fingers curling into your hip. You laid your arm across her letting your fingers fall into the hole along to collar. Both of you released a breath that seemed to have been stuck between you and finally it felt like maybe you were finally home. 

~-~

Dear Y/N, 

I was able to hold you in my arms again. I truly do believe a piece of me was fixed tonight. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep with your head on my chest. How your little snores fill the room and your arm always stays clutched around my shirt. I know remember how it got holes in it. You always cling to me when you are sleeping like I am going to slip away in the middle of the night. To reveal a secret that thought has never once crossed my mind. How could I ever leave someone like you? Who is everything I wanted and more. 

I once told you that it would take a miracle to ever be married again. It was before we started dating when I was seeing vending machine guy. (You could never remember his name but I am starting to think that was on purpose). Your smile faltered when I told you that and explained that marriage had always been complicated for you. You saw the reasoning behind it but also saw why people didn’t want to do it. I asked you what you thought was most important about a marriage and you said that it was two people who promised each other that every day they would wake up and learn how to love the partner they had that day. That partners and relationships change every single moment and to truly love someone for their whole life you had to learn to love that person again and again. Then barely above a whisper you said “ I want someone to love me enough to choose me again and not leave when I am not me ”. I didn’t realize what you meant by it at the time but it stuck with me. 

All this time later I understand and I want you to know that I choose you willingly and lovingly every day. There is not a moment that I will not wake up and choose to love you. To see you for exactly who you are. No matter what that looks like. You are my miracle. My happy ending. My partner in life. 

Fuck I want to marry you.

Chapter 11: Island

Summary:

Summary: You know Melissa loves you and damnit it you just wish that you could say it back but it isn't always so easy to make yourself vulnerable.

Warnings: small mention of past PTSD

A/N: Fluff twice in a week. What have you done to me @janeyseymour . Also I posted this before midnight so I am still counting this as your gift.

Notes:

Lyrics: Baby, when you can't find solid ground //You're breaking down//Hands shaking, lost in the ocean//I'll be your island//When you think there's no one else around//I won't let you drown//I can take it, lost in the ocean//I'll be your island

Dear Y/N,

I woke up hours before you because I swore that you would have disappeared into the night. The nightmares have been constant now, but Ava said I will either get used to them soon or they will go away. I honestly hope they just go away, one less thing that I have to deal with on top of everything else. But you were wrapped around me, a smile on your face like you were completely content. I didn't have the heart to wake you, I just watched you sleep and planned our future. A future that a month ago I was too drunk to see…that I wasn’t sure I even had the right to plan.  But holding you, the picture is clear now. Like I stepped out of the fog into a bright summer day.  

Shit, I really should stop, you are turning me into a sappy poet, and you are supposed to be the writer. But I can't help myself… you are just…well everything to me. I hope to be able to tell you the things that I have planned for us one day. 

Your future wife (you just don't know it yet)

-~-

You stirred awake slowly, unwilling to wake up from your dream. It had been so long since you had a good dream, you were worried that if you let it go now that you would never have another one again. You had been dreaming of Melissa holding you, and could have sworn she said Fuck I want to marry you. But that couldn't be true. Melissa said she would never marry anyone again. You had agreed with her at the time that marriage was nothing more than paperwork that led to a more complicated breakup. She had smiled at you and given you a wink that had you blushing for the rest of the morning. 

“Good morning, my beautiful sleepy head,” Melissa called out to you, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead.

Your brain stalled…it had been a dream, right?  But before you could answer, Melissa was talking again. She was shy in her questions, keeping her face hidden from view. You had never seen her this nervous before, but things were different now an air of caution in every step that was taken, “I was wondering if I could make you breakfast…maybe go out to a new local bookstore that just opened up. It is only a couple of blocks away from my meetings. I saw it on my way home immediately and thought of you. I didn't want to go without you.. But if you don’t want to, then I can..”

Her nervous ramble made you smile, “I'll never turn down your cooking, Mel. Plus, a new book sounds like it would fix all my problems right now.”

A breath of relief escaped Melissa’s lips as she involuntarily pulled you closer. This was the longest that she had been able to hold you in days, and she didn’t want to let you go. Not this easily, and you had to admit there was a part of you that had been longing for this. To feel the reassuring presence of the redhead pressed against you, ready to burn down the world if it tried to harm you. You stayed for a moment longer, but then a growl in your stomach betrayed just how hungry you were. Melissa giggled, kissing your forehead as she started to stand up.

“Guess that is my call to start breakfast.”

“Hey Mel,” You called, and Melissa immediately turned around, hand still on the doorknob, “Thank you for being here last night.”

“I will always be here for you hun’. I love you,” Melissa said it so casually, and you stalled words stuck in your throat.

Melissa didn’t wait for your answer, just sent a reassuring smile and walked out the door. She didn’t close it behind her; she never did, always leaving it open to let you know where she was and that she wasn’t leaving. It was just another habit that she had formed to comfort your never-ending anxious thoughts. You sat in bed listening as her music filled the apartment, her voice accompanying her favorite lyrics. You sighed, falling against the pillows, pulling the blanket over your head. All you had ever wanted was for Melissa to say that she loved you. To know that someone as amazing as her could love someone as broken as you. Now that she was saying it so casually, as if she was ready to watch it for the rest of her life, it terrified you.  Terrified that you may not actually be ready for the love that she was so easily giving. 

Grabbing your phone off the bedside table, you dialed Ouida’s number. It had been ages since you called her on the weekend, and she picked up immediately. 

“Y/N, are you okay? What is going on? Do I need to come get you?” She asked in a rush.

“No, no, I am fine. I apologize for calling you on the weekend,” You whispered. 

“Never apologize, you know this line is always open for you,” She responded reassuringly, “But it has been some time since I got a call from you hiding underneath your blanket.”

“There is no possible way that you could know that is what I am doing!” You protested, doing your best to keep your low voice so Melissa didn’t hear you.

Ouida laughed, “Oh Y/N, we have been in sessions for a year and a half right now. I know you better than you think. Now, hurry and tell me what is wrong before you change your mind.”

“Melissa told me she loved me, and I can’t say it back. I try, and it just gets stuck. I said it out of anger the first time, and now, when it matters, I fucking freeze…like I always do,” You explained in a rush, “She told me that she doesn’t want to wait till everything is perfect to tell me she loves me. But I am broken…”

“If you don’t cut that out right now, I swear,” Ouida scolded, “We have talked about this before. You are not broken. You are healing, and that is going to look different every day. Just because you are learning how to love yourself does not mean you are unworthy of love.”

You sighed in defeat, “You don’t always have to be right, you know,”

She laughed, and a small smile spread across your face, “Yeah sure. Now keep talking. I know that is not the only thing that is bothering you right now.”

“What if she stops loving me because I can’t say it back right now?” There was a crack in your voice as you asked the question. 

 “Y/N.. you know that isn’t true,” Ouida said gently, “After everything that you have been through and all that she has shared so far in our sessions. She isn’t going to stop loving you just because you are scared right now.”

You paused your brain, knowing that she was right, but your heart struggled to accept the truth. That Melissa was trying her best to always be there for you, no matter who you were that day, and what you were struggling with. You groaned, “Okay… I get it.”

“You don’t, but you are trying to,” Ouida responded, “Should I schedule a session for Monday after you get off work?”

“Yeah… I will see you then,” You said and hung up the phone. 

Squeezing your eyes shut, you tried to reset your brain, “You love Melissa Schemmenti. She loves you. You are not broken. You are healing. She isn’t going to leave you. You can do this. You are going to be okay. Stop worrying. Just take it one day at a time.”

As you repeated these statements to yourself, the anxiety started to dissipate. You were still cocooned in your blanket and didn’t realize that Melissa was standing in the doorframe. Two plates in hand, she had only caught the tail end of the phone call, but it had been enough. It was reassurance that you loved her and weren’t giving up yet. But it was also a reminder that she had to keep showing you that she wasn’t going to leave, that no matter what happened or how long it took, she wasn’t going to run. She wasn’t going to push you away just because things got hard. 

She walked back down the hallway to redo her entrance, “Baby, our food is done youse ready?”

When she entered the room, you were sitting up, scrolling through your phone like nothing had bothered you. You smiled, reaching out for your plate, “Breakfast in bed, you spoil me.”

“Only the best for you,” Mel said, leaning down, and for a moment, you thought she was going to kiss you. The way she always did when she brought you food, but she stopped herself kissing your forehead instead.

It was clear she was hesitant to push the physical boundaries of your relationship. She pulled back the blanket to crawl into bed next to you. Your sleep shorts had rolled up around your thighs, and she paused. The lines were fading now, and Melissa’s eyes locked on them immediately. White crisscrosses all across the top of both thighs like a road map to the inner demons you still have and had lost battles to many times before. She always checked on them ever since she had learned of their existence, trying to see if you had any more. She had made you promise early in your friendship that it would stop, and you would reach out to her instead. You had kept that promise every single day since then, but now they were red and aggravated, and the older woman’s heart sank. She went to speak, but the words got stuck in her throat.

“None of them are new,” You reassured Melissa, “They are just angry cause of the rocking from my panic attack. It has been a while since I had a panic attack that bad but you were there to save me.”

“I wasn’t..”
“You were,” You said with a small smile, “I made a promise that day, babe. I would never go back on that promise.”

“I don’t think that I tell you enough, but I really do admire you, baby. You get up every day and fight through demons that no one sees. You go above and beyond to make sure everyone you meet knows they are important and valued. Even after everything that has happened in your life, you are determined to meet people with kindness. You meet your students exactly where they are and find different ways to make sure everyone feels included. You are an inspiration, and I am so lucky to be able to love you. To be loved by you and be in your life. You really have changed my world for the better, and every moment I get to spend with you is the best moment of my life.”

“You are such a sap,” You blushed, burying your head in her shoulder, “I am so glad you are here, Mel. I really mean it. Everything is better when you are around. I know we haven't been…well things have been different, but my feelings about you still haven't changed.”

Melissa’s heart swelled at your words, leaning her head against yours, “I know, baby. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. Now eat so we can go book shopping.” 

-~-

Melissa collected the dishes from the bed, leaning down to place a gentle kiss on your forehead, “I can do the dishes while you get dressed, sweetheart.”  

“No Mel…I can do the dishes you cooked all this food,” You insisted, but she only shot you a stubborn look, “Okay, going to get dressed. I'll grab you some clothes.”

Melissa smiled and went to the kitchen, leaving you alone. You tossed clothes onto the bed for her before going into the bathroom for a quick shower. The cool water tingled your skin, washing away the last remnants of storm anxiety. Pulling your hair up into a messy bun, you tried to take a deep breath, calming your nerves. Going out with Melissa shouldn't have made you this anxious, but everything still felt so off. The outfit for the day was simple- black leggings, one of Melissa’s Philly Eagles shirts, and a black cardigan that consumed you. Something that was comfortable but warm on the cold fall afternoon.

When you stepped out, Melissa was already dressed in a similar outfit. Leggings that hugged the curve of her hips and her favorite shirt to steal from you-  a tan one with a pirate that said Scissor me timbers . She was wearing her jean jacket and had pulled up her hair into a high ponytail. 

“I can't believe how much you love that shirt,” You laughed, coming over to adjust the collar of the jacket.

“It is hilarious,” She smiled, looking down at it, “I can't believe you bought it.”

You shrugged, “It is funny, I will give you that, but I expect the jacket back tomorrow.”

“I can only have it for one day huh?” She asked, but there was a touch of humor in her voice.

“I mean, eventually you can wear it again… when the smell fades.”

“Gosh, I love you,” Melissa chuckled.

This Melissa was the one you had missed so much. An ease to her smile and a sparkle in her eye. A laugh that filled the whole room. The way she wrapped her hands on your hips always pulled you within her orbit. Before you could overthink it, you leaned in to kiss her. 

It was a mirror of your first kiss. Soft and catching Melissa so off guard, her eyes grew wide. When you pulled away, she placed her forehead against yours. You twirled your fingers through her hands, squeezing gently.

“Ready to go Angel?” 

“Yes, off to book dream land,” Melissa smiled, reaching into her back pocket to hand you the keys, “Let’s go, my love.”

“You can drive,” You said, and your girlfriend paused.

“You don't like other people driving you.”

It was true, you devolved into unmanageable panic attacks in the passenger seat. Years of car accidents at the hands of your careless parents had already made you jumpy. Kylee had only furthered this fear when she twisted it to her advantage. During arguments, she would force you into the car, threatening to run into buildings or off bridges if you didn’t agree with her. She stole your license and keys, refusing to let you drive without her. Being able to drive yourself around had been a way to get your courage and control back. Melissa had never questioned you when you panicked and said you had to drive. Only handed you the keys and became an insufferable passenger princess-bringing a blanket and pillow for long car rides, having a huge bag of snacks that you fed you, scrolling Instagram or watching football reruns. But you knew if you were really gonna heal you were gonna have to let her drive.

“I trust you,” You reassured her, “Plus it is about damn time I get the passenger princess treatment.”

“You deserve the world and so much more.”

~-~

Melissa had one hand securely on the steering wheel and the other gripping your thigh. Not hard, just a constant reassurance that you were okay. The first ten minutes were okay until someone cut Melissa off, and the road rage kicked in. She was swearing insults flowing off her tongue, and her hand raised off your thigh to slam against the dashboard. 

You instantly flinched, recoiling in your seat, but the sound never came. You peeked your eyes open to Mel’s hand curled in a fist inches from the dash. She pulled over into the nearest parking lot, stopping the car. 

“I'm so sorry baby. I would never…I wasn't mad at… I was just reacting… fuck. I'm so sorry. You can drive. It’s okay, we tried right? Shit,” Melissa said in a panic.

You laid a hand on Melissa’s shoulders, “Babe, I am okay. Really. The swearing was weirdly adorable, and that asshole absolutely cut you off. They deserved to get cussed out. I just got nervous, but I know you didn’t mean it.” 

Melissa was still worried, her hand curling around yours, “Are you sure?”

“I promise, we are both working on things, and I am not going to get mad at you for slipping up sometimes. As long as you do the same for me.”

“Always, for as long as you will have me,” Melissa said, leaning over to give you a gentle kiss, “We got this, one day at a time.”

-~-

You were practically vibrating by the time you got into the bookshop. Melissa released your hand with a small giggle, “Go explore. We have all the time in the world.”

You took off down the main aisle, and Melissa picked up a small basket following behind you. She watched you with a grin on her face as you browsed through the books. Your fingers traced the spines, occasionally stopping to look at the back of the book. Sometimes you would put it back instantly, a scowl coming over your face. Other times it would take you longer as you took in the first couple of pages and the price. Most of the time, you would slide the book back into its place, deciding that it was too expensive. It didn’t matter, though, because as soon as Melissa was sure that it was something that you were interested in, she placed it in the basket. There was no rush the morning bleeding into late afternoon as you got lost in your own world. 

When every aisle had been walked down and most of the books inspected, you stopped holding two in your hands, “Mel I think I found the books I…”

You paused as you turned to look at Melissa. Her basket was overflowing with books, and she had a smug grin on her face. You cocked your eyebrow at her, “What do you think you are doing?”

“Buying you books,” She responded nonchalantly.

“There is no way that you are buying that many,” You shook your head, “That is ridiculous. I can’t let you.”

Melissa gave you a look that told you there was no argument in her next words, “I am going to buy you these books. I have saved an alarmingly large amount of money now that I have stopped drinking. Think of this as an extension of your anniversary gift.”

“You already gave me my present,” You reminded her, holding up the necklace still encircling your neck.

“You bought me Eagles tickets. You are getting these books,” Melissa said with finality, “Now can we hurry up, my arm is dying.”

You laughed, helping Melissa to the checkout. Once the books were packed in bags and you were back in the car, you finally glanced at your phone. A text was waiting for you: 

Bridget: Don’t forget I am coming down in one week. I WANT TO MEET MELISSA. 

You responded, but let out a large groan. Melissa looked over at you, “What is it baby?

“My older sister is coming next week, and she has been insufferable about it. She has messaged me every day about it at least twice a day,” You smiled lovingly, “I actually find it cute, and she wants to meet you.”

Melissa stilled in her seat, “Wait really? You mean the sister who raised you. She wants to meet me?”

“Yeah, she knows how much I talk about you and how happy you have made me. She told me that if all I am going to do is gush about you, then she should probably meet you,” You blushed.

Melissa instantly smiled, ‘What does she like to eat? I can make us dinner at my place, and we can play board games. Or is she more of a going-out person? I can plan a whole girls' night for us.”

“She has to experience Melissa Schemmenti’s cooking at least once in her life,” You told her reaching to grab her hand.

Melissa was already planning the menu in her head on the drive back to your place before she let out an insecure whisper, “Do you think she is going to like me?”

“Of course, she is going to love you just as much as I do.”

It wasn’t the exact words, but it was close enough.

Chapter 12: Demons

Summary:

Summary: Three Times Melissa saved you from yourself before you started dating

Warnings: PTSD, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Small Mentions of SH and DV
A/N: @janeyseymour, @milfjuulpod & @writerspirit are my hype women and the only reason I have been writing and not self-isolating. So if I write 18+ chapters of MIMH know that it is cause of them

Notes:

I've got all these demons hiding underneath // Nobody can see them, nobody but me, and you're the reason// The only thing that keeps me from diving off the deep end// It's you, you pull me through it on the days when I have doubts //Even when I turned my back on you, you never let me down //And even when I hit the bottom, no, you didn't let me drown

 

Melissa didn’t warm up to anyone easily, but something about you had always caused her to pause. You didn’t come in and try to change the world like Janine or Jacob; you were more subtle in the way you went about things. You brought in extra food for the children you knew didn’t have breakfast at home to eat. You were out on the playground creating obstacle courses for the kids or teaching them how to play basketball. You were working one-on-one with students who were struggling more, making sure they didn’t get left behind or left out. You were quiet a presence that could almost go unnoticed until it mattered; then you were up on your feet arguing with a cool, calm voice. You had a way of standing up to Ava that even made the principal second-guess her more questionable ways. You were a silent observer who took note of everything and everyone, and Melissa knew it was you who ended up putting a cup of coffee on her desk when she missed her break, or a snack in her desk when her stash was getting low. You knew her in ways other people often ignored. She was enamored by you, trying to learn everything about you in the same way you read her like a book. 

By the time PESCA had rolled around and your abusive relationship with Kylee had been exposed through silent comments and accidental slips, Melissa knew that you were holding your outward appearance together with tape and glue. She kept a watchful eye on you and how you moved through the conference like you were a ghost. Slipping in and out of the crowd as if you wished it would swallow you up. No matter how hard you tried to disappear, Melissa’s eyes always found you. She didn’t approach, just watched like a hawk waiting for its moment to strike. It didn’t come till dinner when she was swirling the margarita in her glass. Barbara was chatting with another teacher, and Melissa was half listening, her eyes trained on your movements. You smiled and laughed through dinner with Janine and Jacob, but excused yourself after pushing around the food on your plate for over an hour. She had watched you take exactly three bites only when Janine was watching. A way to appease the worry that was under the young girl’s skin, but you never meant it.

Melissa waited exactly ten seconds before she leaned over to Barbara and said she had to go check on you. Barbara nodded, no questions asked, only watching her best friend flee the scene. In that time, you had slipped away out of sight, but Melissa was tuned to you. A sixth sense that had her turning the corner to the pool without hesitation. She swiped her key to gain access and frantically looked till her eyes landed on you. In the middle of the pool, fully clothed, your black dress spread around you with black boots poking above the water. Your face was blank, looking up at the ceiling as if it could tell you the secret to the world and then some. 

“Y/N! It’s Melissa.” Melissa called out, walking towards the pool, “Hey kid, what the hell are you doing?”

There was only a second of a pause before Melissa was cursing, pulling off her heels, “Fucking cold ass water. This is what I get… fucking damnit.”

She jumped in waves, disrupting the pool, but you stayed still. Eerily enough that Melissa was panicking in the few strides it took to get to you. She knew you were jumpy and that touch often made you dissolve into tears, but she grabbed your waist, pulling you to her. You only shook your head sitting up as Melissa cradled you. She watched as your vision snapped back into focus. 

“Damnit hun’ you scared the living shit out of me,” Melissa said, panting as she squeezed you to her.

She was used to your typical sarcastic comebacks, not ones that came out of anger, but a dry humor that made her laugh more than once. Instead, you just whispered, “I was only floating Mel.”

Mel…the name she let two people call her- you and Barbara. Her heart fluttered for a moment before her anxiety took back over, “The hell you were. I have been watching you all night, and something isn’t right sweetheart.”

You shrugged, “No, it isn’t. But I was just floating. The water calms me down.”

Melissa was fighting to say the right words, still holding on to you when you spoke again, “Try it with m,e Mel. I promise you I will hold your hand the whole time.”

Melissa closed her eyes as if to debate the thought, but it really was to calm her beating heart, “I ain’t gonna be able to float in these clothes hun’.”

“Overrated anyway,” You stated, clambering from her. You tossed your boots to the side of the pool before stripping out of your dress.

There was no sexual tension in the moment, just a childish giggle that escaped your lips. The sounds bounced around the room, and Melissa realized it was the first genuine laugh she had heard all day. She followed her cheetah dress, landing next to yours. You stuck your hand out a smile, attempting to pull at your lips, “Be an otter with me.”

Melissa rolled her eyes but grabbed your hand. You both leaned back, and the water settled around you both. All of a sudden, the noise outside faltered and then stopped completely, and all Melissa could hear was the sound of her own beating heart—the way that her breath pushed against her ribs and then up her chest. She should have been looking up at the ceiling, but instead she kept stealing glances at you. Your eyes were closed, and your face had a painful peace to it. Like you had resigned yourself to the world swallowing you whole. Seconds trickled into minutes, and soon Melissa didn’t know how long she had been lying there until you moved to get up. 

You turned to look at her and gently brushed away a piece of hair that had clung to her cheek, “Do you get it now?”

“Starting to,” She admitted, “But do you see my point?”

“It was not my intention to scare you,” You admitted, climbing onto the edge of the pool. You stuck your hand out, and Melissa huffed a resigned sigh as she climbed up next to you, “I just needed to think.”

“Whatever it is must be taking a toll on you. You have been different, sweetheart,” Melissa said, sitting close enough that your shoulders were touching.

“There are gaps in my knowledge. Bits and pieces that I can see in flashes when I think about my relationship with Kylee. I try to focus on them, and all of a sudden, they are gone again. No matter how hard I try, they slip through my fingers,” You sigh, scooping a handful of water and letting it drip through and onto your thighs, “I asked my therapist, and she said that I may never get those memories back.”

Melissa watched the water drip, and that is when her gaze stopped. Her focus narrowed to a pinpoint. Red lines crisscrossed across your thighs, various stages of healing. She knew what they were without asking, subconsciously rubbing at the one that had once lain along her own wrist. It was long gone now, and even a trained person could have never marked the specific spot it had been. She only looked up when your hands went to cover them. Your face was flushed with embarrassment, and you couldn’t meet her eyes.

“I… look.. You weren’t supposed to see those,” You said in a hoarse whisper.

“No more. It stops now,” Melissa stated simply, laced with a tone that you knew left no room for argument, “When you feel like doing it, you call me instead. I don’t care about the time of day. Where are you or what is going on. You call me and I pick up. It stops today. Promise me.”

Her voice cracked at the end as she pleaded with you. You only nodded, “No more, I promise Mel.”

Her arms wrapped you in a crushing hug, and the dam around your emotions broke. You choked out a sob, laying your own hands around her waist. She rubbed your back gently till you calmed enough to breathe again. Without a word, she took your hand, pulling you away from the water’s edge. Wrapping a towel around you, she grabbed the clothes and shoes from the floor. Wrapping her own towel around herself, she pulled you down the hall to her room. It was freezing inside, and you immediately shivered. 

“You sleep in a fucking ice box,” You told her, wrapping the towel closer around you.

Melissa laughed, and a piece of you relaxed, “I am a hotbox when I sleep. You are going to appreciate the A/C soon.”

“Mel… I really can go back to my room. I am fine,” You protested.

She only scoffed, “You think I am letting you out of my sight tonight, ya right, sweetheart. Put these on and put your wet clothes in the tub.”

She shoved a shirt and shorts into your hands before pushing you into the bathroom. You changed, and the only thing you could think about was how good it was to smell like Melissa. It was like a warm blanket, instantly soothing your frayed nerves and pushing away the remaining fog. When you stepped back out, the older woman had already changed a random movie running on the hotel TV. She patted the bed next to her, and you crawled under the cover, burying yourself in as much warmth as possible. 

“Hey hun,” Melissa said softly, looking at you, “You know I’m not angry at your right.”

You shrugged as a response as she pushed back a strand of your hair, “We're all fighting demons no one can see, and I don’t want you to think that you have to fight them alone…at least you don’t have to fight them alone anymore. I am here with you. I got you.”

Your eyes were brimming with tears, and instead of a response just wrapped an arm around Melissa’s hips, burying your face into her side. She rubbed your back for a moment before having you reposition. You went to back out of her reach, but she pulled you against her again, one arm wrapped securely around you.

“I got you sweetheart, just get some sleep,” She whispered and then flicked off the lights, and for once, you weren’t afraid to fall asleep in the dark. 

-~-

The thing about flashbacks that you hated the most was that they came without warning and sometimes without cause. One moment, you were watching TV, and the next, there was a phrase or a lyric or even a movement in the corner of your eye that had you falling apart at the seams. Your vision went black, and it was like being stuck in the past, a cage of barbs and wires threatening to cut if you tried to leave. You swam in the memories with no way to get air until your body snapped out of it. A ricochet that left you gasping for breath, sure that you would be stuck, frozen, and torn between the past and the present until it ate you alive. 

Your fingers curled around the phone dialing without comprehending until you heard her voice. Crystal clear but full of anxiety, “Y/N, I am here. What do you need?”

You went to talk, but words wouldn’t come out. Stuck in your throat like a grip around your neck, it only caused more panic. Your body was shaking, now a mixture of fear and anger lighting a fire underneath your skin. 

“Sweetheart, I am right here. Where are you?” Melissa asked frantically now.

You closed your eyes but willing your body into submission until one word came out, “Home.”

“I’m on the way,” was the response, accompanied by an engine roaring to life, “Don’t hang up, just listen to me talk, okay? I am coming to get you. It will only take me ten minutes.”

No other words came, so you just clutched the phone to your ear, counting the seconds in your head as Melissa talked. She told you the story of when she first met Barb-who reminded her exactly of Janine at the time. They were both bright-eyed first-year teachers who got bullied by the veteran 5th-grade teacher. Till Melissa was sick of “that bitch” making Barb cry, so she ran the teacher out of Abbott. Not with violence per se, but a string of pranks that had her struggling to finish the school year. 

Melissa had just finished the last prank that had happened when the engine cut, “Sweetheart, are you able to move to unlock the door?”

You only began to cry again as the realization settled that Melissa was actually here but couldn't get to you. It was a relief turned panic. There was no way you were going to be able to make it out of the bed, let alone to the door. 

“Hey hey, I'm here and I will get to you,” Melissa rummaged in her center console. “I used to pick locks for extra cash in high school. I'm a little rusty, but I think I got this.”

The only thing you could hear was a jangle of a lock and Melissa’s panicked breathing. She let out a long exhale when it finally released, “I got it. Hanging up now but only to open the door.”

The click of the phone sounded, but Melissa's voice called to you from the front of your apartment. She made her way to the bedroom and gently approached your curled-up figure, “I got you, sweetheart. See, I told you I was coming. I'm here.”

Her voice in the same space as you broke through the fog and allowed you to move slightly. Your hands shot out towards her, and she rushed into them. Pulling off her shoes, she climbed onto the bed, lifting you into her lap. You curled into her chest as she rubbed your back gently. There was no pressure to explain; just the reassurance she wasn't there. It happened in bits and pieces- you calmed into her, you were able to get your breath back, your body uncurled, and finally you were able to speak.

“Thank you Mel,” You croaked, your voice shaky.

Melissa seemed to finally calm down then. Instead of sitting straight, too afraid to move, she melted into you. Lying down and holding you against her as she finally got settled, “Oh sweetheart, I told you that I would be there for you. But I should get a key unless you want me busting down your door. I will stop at nothing to make sure that you get help.”

You chuckled softly, “I will get you a key in the morning.”

Moments later, you and Melissa fell asleep, tangled up together, your head on her chest, her heartbeat a drum against the demons that pressed against your head.

-~-

The trip to the zoo had been one that you had been looking forward to, and as you sat on the bus next to Melissa, she reached out her hand. Palm face up against her thigh, she smiled at you, “What do you say, baby? Want to be my buddy for the day?”

She had taken to rotating between pet names for you. Always sweetheart and hun’ when in public, but always baby when it was just you and her. An occurrence that had been happening more and more lately. The feelings that you had for her were causing butterflies in your stomach as you took her hand. You weren't ignoring them exactly; merely terrified if you acknowledged them, you would explode. As her fingers curled around yours, the world slowed and then stilled as the thoughts in your head seemed to dissipate. When she pulled your joined hands in hers, it felt like second nature.

“As long as you get me a soft pretzel,” You joked, and the laugh that came out of Melissa made your heart soar. 

Shortly after getting inside, Melissa had separated from you to find your pretzel, and you had taken a group of children with Gregory to the first exhibit. You loved the way they smiled and pointed at the animals, asking a million and one questions. However, out of the corner of your eye, you saw a flash of raven hair and froze. You tried to calm yourself, saying it was only a trick of your mind, but then you saw it again. A tall raven-haired woman was walking towards you through the crowd. You didn’t even wait to confirm it was Kylee; you only ran, leaving your kids with Gregory. Your feet pounded against the cement as you looked for anywhere to hide. In your frantic sprint, you passed right by Janine. 

She turned, catching the last glimpse of you, “Y/N! Where are you going?”

You kept running, the rush of wind and the pounding of your heart drowning out any other noise. Janine talked with Gregory about what had happened, trying to get as many details as possible before she sought out Melissa. She found the red head further up the path, two pretzels in hand, her eyes scanning the crowd for you. 

“Melissa, it’s Y/N I need your help,” Janine panted, throwing her hand in the direction you ran, “She took off that way without saying anything. We have to find her.”
Melissa’s focus immediately closed in searching the surrounding areas for any places that you may have run, but then she stopped. There was a waver in her voice, “Janine, are you sure you want my help?”

“Of course, Y/N cares about you, and I know that you care about her,” Janine said, still gasping for air, “You have been helping her for weeks now. Why are you just now questioning this?”

The last statement made Melissa falter. It had been a while since she had offered to help you, and the bond between you two had grown exponentially since then. However, most moments had been stolen behind closed doors and away from prying eyes. Sometimes Melissa taking you out of a room before the world came crashing in. She didn’t think anyone noticed what was going on, but then again, all of her focus had been on you. She had been piecing together how to help you through trial and error, completely forgetting that Janine probably knew more about you than anyone else.

“This situation is different,” Melissa insisted. “I have never lost her in such a public place or not had her reach for me. Every other time we have been in private or some place I was familiar with. There is nowhere I can take her that is going to be private enough to calm her down. I am out of my depth here, kid.”

“Well, luckily for you, I have seen this before. She probably thought she saw Kylee and took off before she could confirm it. She is gonna run to some place that she finds comforting, and that she knows eventually we will find her. She always wants to be found, but she doesn’t know how to ask for it.”

Melissa only paused for one moment before PESCA weekend came back to her in a rush, “Otters. She is going to be with the otters.”

Janine didn’t question just grabbed Melissa’s hand and they took off through the droves of people. Tucked into the back corner of the zoo underneath a large rock formation was the otter observatory, where people could sit and watch as the otters swam underwater. It was dark and cool with only one curled-up figure in the corner. Janine pushed Melissa forward, standing guard at the only door that led into the area. With a slow, steady pace, Melissa walked over, dropping down to crouch in front of you. 

“Baby, it’s Melissa. I’m with Janine,” She spoke softly, “No one else is here. It’s just us.”

She waited a moment before she spoke again, “We found you, and we aren’t mad. Take your time to do whatever you need. We aren’t going anywhere. We got you.”

You peeled your head out of your lap and were met with Melissa’s soft smile, “There is my baby. What is going on in that beautiful head of yours?”

“I thought I saw you,” You squeaked out, “I went to look for you or Janine, but I got scared she was going to find me, so I ran. I’m sorry. I should have looked harder for you.”

Melissa leaned in to place a reassuring hand across your arm, “Hey, none of that. You came to a place where you knew we would find you, and that is what matters. We found you, and we aren’t going to let anything bad happen to you.”

You nodded, extending your arms out until Mel wrapped you in a hug. She kissed the top of your head to soothe both herself and the last of her anxious thoughts. The moment was cut through when Janine blurted.

“You two are absolutely adorable.”

Melissa chuckled, giving your forehead a soft kiss, “I think you have me mistaken. The only one who is adorable here is her. Now eat your damn soft pretzel.”

Chapter 13: Hold Onto Me

Summary:

Summary: Melissa loves an Eagles game more than she loves everything in life...well everything but you.

Warnings: N/A (Look at me. I did a thing that wasn't angsty)

Notes:

Lyrics: You've been walking alone for so long /// And you’ve been building a wall around your heart // But I promise there is a light at the end of this long ride // This time I know you'll be alright 'cause I’m standing at your side

Dear Melissa, 

I can’t believe I am actually going to an Eagles game today. I would much rather be at hockey…but maybe one day. I have never been interested in football, but if it is important to you, then it is important to me. Being with you is the most important thing to me. I want you in my life for as long as you will have me. And I am working on expressing my feelings more. To lean into being scared and trusting you to catch me. I do trust you, Mel. I hope you know that. Even after everything that has happened, I never once lost my trust in you. I can’t wait to see you, Angel. It is the thing I look forward to every day. 

Yours always,

Y/N

~-~

Melissa had been giddy all day about the upcoming game, talking all through lunch about what she hoped would happen. You listened with a smile, relishing in the happiness that seemed to spread from her. She and Gregory had fallen into a debate about the most recent games when the bell rang. You were gathering your stuff when Melissa scooped it up for you. 

Adding it to her pile, she grinned at you, “I’ll walk you to class, baby.”

You laughed, “Is this how I would have gotten treated if we had met in high school?”

“Oh absolutely,’ Melissa explained, “I would have changed my whole class schedule just to be with you. We would have gone to all the football games, too so I could have shown you off. Everyone would have been jealous that all my attention was only for you. I would have had you wear my softball varsity jacket so the whole school would have known you were my girl.”

You blushed, “You never would have liked me in high school, Mel. I was a classic nerd who stayed in the library at lunch to read. I would have died before going to a football game.”

“There is no way that I could have not been attracted to you. I am going to find you in every lifetime,” Melissa smiled as your cheeks turned even redder, placing your stuff on your desk, “Plus, today we are going to see football together. Right?”

“Absolutely, I wouldn’t miss it for the world Angel,” You leaned in to give her a gentle kiss, “Now get to class before you are late.”

The older woman laughed, “I love you, baby. See you at my place after school.” 

-~-

Your car pulled into Melissa’s driveway, and your hand tightened around the steering wheel. You hadn’t been back since that day Melissa had begged you to give her a chance on the front lawn. You could still see her there, hungover and on her knees, begging for your forgiveness. You had given it easily, knowing that it was putting yourself back at risk, but sometimes forgiving people was the easy part. It was the part that came after, the rebuilding, that took the most effort. Taking a deep breath, you stepped out of the car and walked up the stairs. Before you could even knock on the door, Melissa threw it open. She was dressed in simple black leggings with an Eagles pullover. In her hands was an Eagles jersey that she stuck out to you. 

“This jersey is gonna look great on you,” Melissa beamed, “Come inside, I just have one last thing I need to finish up.”

You peered past her to the kitchen, and your body went cold. Memories of glass shattering and Melissa yelling started to send a shiver down your spine. You worked desperately to push the anxiety down before she could notice. You shook your head lightly, “I can wait out here, Mel. It is a nice day, and I want to soak up as much sun as I can.”

 Melissa paused like she was about to say something, but then continued, “Okay baby, I will be right out. I promise.”

She disappeared back into the house, and you sat on the bench after you pulled on the jersey over your shirt. It hung loose around your shoulders and you were immediately swallowed by Melissa’s distinct smell. It brought comfort and an ache to your heart. You leaned your head back against the window, closing your eyes. At one point, this place had felt like home. A place that you could finally settle in and let yourself heal.  You could imagine your things crowding around Melissa’s. Your books being crammed in every single open place. Your clothes mixed in with Melissa’s, and your legs tangled in hers every night. But now? Even being on the porch felt painful. 

“Baby, I am ready to go,” Melissa said softly, sitting next to you, “When your sister comes, we can do dinner at your place…”

“No,” You said immediately, “We are going to have it here, I want to have it here. I promise.”
Melissa could have argued, but she only nodded as you placed the keys in her hand. You kissed her on the cheek, “Come on, my love. We have a game to go watch.”

-~-

“Schemmenti!” The guy at the snack booth yelled when you got to the front of the line, “I haven't seen you in months! Still want your usual?”

You knew her usual without even asking- 2 16oz beers, a soft pretzel, and a shot of under-the-counter whiskey to start. Melissa’s hand twitched by her side, and you went to grab it, but you stalled. Melissa and you had been publicly affectionate before, but not somewhere nearly this crowded or filled with toxic masculinity. You let your anxiety coat you and curled into yourself. She noticed the movement out of her eye as we stepped up to the counter. 

“Changing it up today,” Melissa smiled, then grabbed your waist, pulling you to her side. She kept her hand protectively on your hip, “My girl has never seen a football game, so we are going all out on food for our first round.”

“You snagged a gorgeous girl Schemmenti,” The man nodded with approval, “You got a sister? Mom? Aunt? Grandma even?”

You chuckled as Melissa rubbed your side reassuringly. She ordered nachos, cheesesteaks, pretzels, and a basket of wings. Once she paid, you waited off towards the side, but Melissa never once took her hand away from you. You turned towards her, scanning her face gently. She was still full of childhood excitement, but her eyes scanned the crowd with practiced caution.

“Mel, I'm really sorry. I forgot how big drinking was in football and…”

Her eyes locked on yours as she pulled you in, her hands sliding into the back pockets of your jeans, “Baby, this is the best present ever. Don't start apologizing for it. I'm scanning the crowd to make sure none of these asshats are coming to steal my girl.  I don't need to drink. Especially not when I know you are going to ask a million questions about what is happening. I will have plenty to keep me busy.”

“Well, you are the best teacher in Philly, so you might make a football fan of me after all,” You responded and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. Before you realized it, the words slipped out of your mouth, “I love you Angel.”

Melissa’s smile grew as she wrapped her arms around you. She was kissing you on the cheeks and forehead until you were laughing hysterically, “I love you so much, baby. I love you so much. I love you.”

Just then, her number was called, and she walked up to gather the food. She was loading up her drinks onto the large tray when the worker leaned in, “I put some of your usual whiskey into the bigger drink. Just cause your girl doesn't want you to drink doesn't mean you have to listen.”

Melissa only smiled before turning back to you with any response stuck in her throat. She should have just admitted she was sober now, but admitting it to herself was one thing; admitting it to other people was a struggle. You walked shoulder to shoulder through the crowd as the older woman’s thoughts raced. It would be so easy to take a sip from the drink. Let the soda and alcohol mix together and settle in her stomach. To feed the monsters that had been raging since she approached the stadium. But when she looked at you and the way you glanced around, wide-eyed at all of the things Melissa had grown up with, she couldn't do it. Couldn't betray the trust she was just getting back. She stopped by a trash can, her hand wrapping around the drink. She brought it close to her as if the smell alone would appease her, but she stopped herself as it was inches from her face. She dumped it into the trash, throwing the other one with it. It wasn't worth the risk.

“Mel what are you doing?” You asked confused.

Melissa adjusted the tray to hand you a twenty-dollar bill, her hand shaking, “Can you go up to that booth and get us two new sodas? He put alcohol in mine at the last one, and I… I am afraid they all will do it. I used to get drunk all over this stadium, and most of them know me. They would slip alcohol in anything I was drinking without having to ask.”

She expected anger or irritation to cross your face, but your expression only softened. You promised to be right back and kissed her cheek before leaving. She watched you mix into the crowd and return moments later with two sodas in hand. You smiled and encouraged her to guide the way. You fell into step once again beside her until you settled in your seats. As soon as you were sitting and the tray was set up, Melissa had one hand clutching your thigh, partly to show everyone that you were hers but also to ground herself back into the moment.

As the game began, Melissa was out of her seat more often than she was in it. Screaming at the players and the refs, swearing in Italian and English with every other breath. Cheering on good plays while booing when the other team caught the ball. You could have watched the game, but mostly you watched her. Laughing as her cheeks got red and she jumped up and down in her heeled boots. You were fascinated by her explanations of the games and tried to listen along. But when she questioned you on it, you only smiled and shrugged as you remembered nothing. This made her giggle and shake her head every time, but she kept explaining it to you anyway.

 You weren’t here for the game, only for her and to see how she shone in places she loved. In fact you hated crowds of people, and as the game continued into the final quarter, you were at your limit. You were jumpy, and the drunker people got the closer you clung to Melissa. It didn’t take her long to notice your discomfort, and she grabbed your hand, gently leading you up the stairs to inside the cool stadium. The crowd was less inside, allowing you to breathe for a moment before Melissa led you to a hidden spot underneath a staircase. She dropped her hands to your hips, pulling you in close to her. 

“Mel,” You protested, “We are going to miss the game.”

“I don’t give a shit about the game, baby. You are overwhelmed. Talk to me,” She replied, one hand running down your back gently.

 “It’s a lot of people,” You admitted shyly, “I really thought I could do it but… I think my peopling ability has reached its max for the day.” 

Melissa laughed as you leaned your head against her chest, “Then let’s get out of here.”

“No Mel, we don’t have to go,” You said, even though a part of you was relieved to hear that she would willingly leave early, “This was your gift, I am not going to ruin it.”

“My gift is being here with you. I don’t care about leaving early, all I want is to be with you,” Melissa reassured you, kissing your forehead gently, “Let’s go back to your house, throw on some shitty 1 star movies that we can make fun of, and have some food that won’t cost an arm and a leg.”

You hugged her to you, “Are you sure I am not being a party pooper?”

“No…I need out of here too,” Melissa admitted, “Too many bad memories live in this place, and I think I have reached my limit too.”

You hugged her one more time before she led you out into the hall. There were only about ten minutes left in the game, and you stopped at one of the TVs by the entrance, “Mel, let’s finish the game here.”

Melissa smiled as she pulled your back flush against hers. Draping her arms protectively over your waist, she gently rested her head against your shoulder. Her red hair fell around your shoulders, and you relaxed into her. The next ten minutes flew by in the comfort of her arms and with the crowd far out of sight. When the time finally elapsed, Melissa held your hand, and you were out the door before people started to flow out of their seats. You walked shoulder to shoulder as you navigated the streets of Philly back to the secret spot Mel had parked. She pulled out onto the street, navigating through the crowds with little traffic resistance. The drive was silent until Melissa’s anxious voice called out. 

“Do you think we could go back to your place? I don’t want to be alone. I don’t think I can be alone.”

It was a whispered confession, like she couldn’t believe she had admitted it out loud. You placed a gentle hand on her thigh, “Of course Angel, take us home.”

There was a flutter in Melissa’s heart as she heard the words home . All she wanted to do was to build a home with you. To be able to hold you in her arms every night and wake up with your snores filling the room. That dream had once seemed so close, but now you were too terrified even to set foot in her house. It broke Melissa’s heart to realize how close and far her dreams had become. The monsters were beginning to crawl their way back into her thoughts. She was broken between the dreams she had shattered and the fact that a huge part of her had wanted to take that drink and never look back. She attempted to push it away as she pulled up to your apartment. 

Once inside, Melissa and you changed into comfortable clothes, but you stayed in the Eagles jersey. Melissa was sprawled on the couch, pulling you on top of her. You fell into her with a peel of laughter. She clung to you, kissing your forehead gently as you relaxed into her. Her hands ran gently up and down your back underneath the shirt, the feel of your skin calming her further.

“You looked damn good in this jersey,” She mused, tracing lazy lines up your spine. 

You shivered involuntarily, and her fingers only stalled for a moment before they began again. You leaned up to kiss her jawline, “Of course, I look good in it, it’s yours.” 

Melissa hummed, “Next time we watch the game at home with you in that jersey and us cuddling on this couch.” 

“That sounds like a dream,”  You smiled but paused, “Are you sure you okay Mel?”

“Yeah, I just…being sober is a struggle some days. More than I realized,” Melissa admitted, holding you closer, “But being with you makes it easier.”

“I love you, Melissa,” You said, and this time it wasn’t an accidental slip. 

-~-

Dear YN,

You said it today. You love me.  I can’t believe it. The first time you said it, I felt like my heart was going to burst. It slipped out of you like you were so used to saying it that it had become second nature. Which is when I realized that you have been saying it this whole time. You may not have said it, but you showed me through your actions and how you cared for me. Ever since the first day we became friends, you have treated me like someone special to you. Going above and beyond even when I didn’t deserve it. You have always loved me, even before I realized I was in love with you. I am trying not to get caught up in my mistakes and the way that every day I ache for a drink. Just something to numb all of these feelings I have all the time. But looking at you curled in my lap, clutching onto me like I may disappear, makes me realize no matter how loud the monsters get, I can’t give in. I can’t lose you. Not again. I love you Y/N… and one day we are going to build a life together. I promise. 

Your future wife

Chapter 14: I Get To Love you

Summary:

Summary: Melissa meets your sister Bridget and everything around you seems to be clicking into place.

Warnings: Mentions of past drinking, struggles with alcoholism

A/N: Is that my real-life sister Bridget? YES. (YOU BETTER BE NICE ABOUT HER AMAZING TATTOOS! One is Han Solo with Valentine's day hearts and I love him).

Notes:

Lyrics: And they say love is a journey //I promise that I'll never leave //When it's too heavy to carry //Remember this moment with me //I get to love you

Dear Melissa, 

I think I am more nervous about my sister coming into town than you are. It has been a long time since I last saw her. She tried to visit me a couple of times when I was with Kylee, but she was never allowed. Kylee would always make excuses for why we couldn’t talk or see each other. Soon, my sister just stopped coming around. When Kylee and I broke up, I reached out to her and we started talking more- she knows some of what happened but not the whole story. I am worried that if I ever share the whole story, I might completely crumble. Ouida says that sharing it might give me strength…I'm not willing to take the risk. Not when I already feel like I am going to lose so much. 

I don't want to be scared anymore, Melissa.

-~-

Melissa watches as you pace the living room of your apartment, one eye on the clock to make sure you actually leave for the airport in time. She doesn’t rush you, just sits back against the couch as you try to work it out.

“I should drive. Nope, I shouldn’t drive cause I am scared. Why am I scared? This is going to be fine. Mel should drive. Nope. Maybe driving will calm me down. She is my sister. She literally raised me. This is fine. I am fine. The lies I tell myself,” You mutter as you make another lap around the living room. 

“I can’t believe I am acting this fucking stupid,” You say, and that is when Melissa finally steps in. 

She cuts off your path, grabbing your hands gently in hers. “Stop that shit right now. You are not stupid. You haven’t seen your sister in a long time; you are allowed to be nervous.”

She places a gentle kiss on your forehead, and you melt into her, “You are right. I am amazing and can do things that scare me.”

“Yes, you can my love,” Melissa smiles but slides the keys from your palm, “Except drive to the airport- that I am not going to let you do. The traffic is going to give you unnecessary anxiety right before you meet your sister. I will drive, you just sit in the passenger seat like the perfect angel you are.”

You roll your eyes, but you smile and say, “I love you.”

“Not nearly as much as I love you,” Melissa smirks, and you both head towards the car. 

On the way to the airport, the redhead draws random patterns on your thigh while she drives. The music plays softly in the background as you look out the window. A care package that Melissa put together sits by your feet, sliding across the floor as she accelerates and slows. The simplicity of it all is such a contrast to the tension that used to fill the room last week. You can't believe that at one point you almost lost all of this.

You don't know what makes you say it, but it spills out of your lips in a rush, “Do you miss drinking?”

“Every day,” Melissa answers honestly, “But if the options are to lose everything I love or take a drink, I'll turn away the drink every time.”

You smile over at the redhead, linking your fingers through hers, “I'm so proud of you. I know none of this is easy, but I want to know that I see you trying to make it better. You amaze me every day.”

“You amaze me too baby,” She says, bringing her hand up to kiss the back of your palm, “Every single second of every single day.”

~-~

Melissa holds your hand all the way to the arrival gate, her thumb running along your palm in a soothing motion. The anxiety and excitement radiate off you in waves, and you bounce on the tips of your toes. Your eyes scan the crowd. Melissa can tell that if you don’t see Bridget soon, you may explode. It takes a handful of minutes before you gasp and your eyes lock onto her. 

Bridget comes up the escalator with a large backpack and a hoodie hanging off her arm. Her blonde hair is pulled up into a ponytail, and large square black frame glasses surround the blue-gray of her eyes. Melissa smiles as she takes in the tattoos that litter the arms and legs of your sister. She doesn't think there is a tattoo-free inch on Bridget’s body- and it makes her look fucking gorgeous.

“BRIDGET!” You yell as your feet slam against the linoleum. People turn to look at you, but you don’t care. Melissa merely grins, pulling out her phone to capture it all.

Your sister drops her backpack and everything in her hands to open her arms to you. She meets you in the middle, and within seconds, you are jumping into her. Your legs curl around her hips, and she stumbles for a moment before holding you steady. Her arms wrap around you in a protective cocoon. Melissa watches with a smile spread across her face. She approaches slowly, not wanting to ruin the moment, but as she gets closer, Bridget’s eyes glance up at the redhead’s.

“You must be Melissa,” She smiles and extends an arm out to the older woman. 

It’s an awkward first hug as you still cling to your sister, but Melissa doesn’t care. She embraces the blonde, leaving you in a sandwich. A peal of laughter escapes your lips, and soon the whole group is laughing. Finally, Bridget gently places you down and moves to give Melissa a real hug. 

“Nice to meet you finally Melissa,” Bridget smiles wrapping her hand through yours as she pulls back, “Y/N has told me so much about you- mostly about how lucky I am get to experience your cooking.”

“A Schemmenti dinner is a thing of legends,” The redhead smirks. “Y/N mentioned that you are non-alcholic…I am too, so I made sure to stock up on some different options at the house for you. If I missed something, we can always go out during the weekend.”

It’s the first time Melissa admits it out loud to someone outside Abbott and AA. Maybe it's easier because she knows Bridget is also sober. Either way, it calms something inside of her when Bridget smiles without judgment. 

“Mel also set up the guest room for you.”

You don’t miss the way that Bridget’s eyebrow quirks up as the puzzle pieces come together. It only takes a second before she blurts out what is on her mind, “Oh, are you and Y/N living…”

“No, I um. Not yet,” I stammer out, embarrassment coursing through me, “We are going to spend the weekend at Mel’s house, though.”

You see a million questions cross Bridget’s face, but she only nods, “Well, I am starving- I have been dreaming of Italian for hours.” 

“Let’s get you fed then.”

Melissa grabs Bridget’s backpack and hoodie off the floor, swinging it over her shoulder. She kisses you gently on the cheek before she sets off towards the car. You and Bridget fall into step behind her. Melissa walks close enough that she can still be seen but far enough away that you can talk to your sister in private. You lean heavily against her as if trying to soak in as much Bridget as you can. 

“I am sorry if I embarrassed you,” Bridget says softly, “You know it was not my intention.”

“Never,” You reassure her, “Melissa’s house is more like home than my apartment…at least it was.”

“Are you sure you can do this?”

You don’t even hesitate when you respond, “With you and Mel- I can do anything.”

~-~

When you slide into the backseat, letting Melissa drive home, Bridget lets out an audible gasp, “You let her drive you but not me?”

“You used to drive donuts in the school parking lot at 3 am,” You counter, which only makes Melissa laugh.

“So did I,” The redhead admits. After sharing a high five with Bridget, she grins back at you, “I have precious cargo now, so I'll keep the donuts to a minimum.”

“What I am hearing is a secret 3 am excursion?” Bridget teases, and you roll your eyes when Melissa winks at her.

This is how the rest of the car ride unfolds- childhood stories flying back and forth- as you watch the two most important people in your world get to know each other. There are no awkward silences, just a car full of laughter. You almost forget the other part of this trip that you are scared by-until you pull into Melissa’s driveway- and it comes flooding back. You clench your hands together, stepping out of the car to follow Bridget and Melissa inside. Melissa sees your hesitancy, her lips pulled back to say something when Bridget cuts her off.

“Melissa, I'm dying to look into this care package you made me, but I think I left something in the car. Can you put it inside, and I'll catch up with you?”

It is a plausible scenario- one Melissa doesn't fall for- but she takes the basket and heads inside. Bridget turns towards you, laying her hands gently on your shoulder.

“She isn't Kylee. She is Melissa- the woman who loves you- who is trying to make it up to you. Staying on this side of fear isn't helping either of you,” She says, her thumbs running soothing circles along your collarbone. It was the same thing that she always did when you had panic attacks when you were younger. 

You nod, taking a deep breath, “I know, I just needed a moment. I can do this.”

“You can and I will be with you every step of the way,” Bridget nods gently, nudging you towards the door.

You step inside expecting a wave of anxiety, but instead, something inside you settles. The fuzzy blanket you keep here is strewn over the back of the couch- a stack of books piled on the coffee table ieqws waiting for you to read- one of your favorite cardigans hangs by the door. You toss your shoes next to Melissa’s boots knowing full well she will come straighten them out with a little sigh later. Walking through the hall, your fingers trace the pictures along the wall-the captured moments of laughs and smiles between you and Melissa- but there are more now. Candid shots of you now litter what used to be open spaces: head up towards the snow as it falls in large flakes around you, curling up in the bay window reading, a soft smile on your lips at a rollerskating rink.

“You always look the happiest on skates,” Melissa says softly.

For the first time, you don't jump at her sudden appearance, you just smile as you lock eyes with her green ones, “There are only two things that can calm the darkness- you and roller skates.”

“I heard that!” Bridget yells as she moves around you both. 

You only laugh in response as Melissa steps forward, grabbing your waist to pull you close. Your hands automatically fall to her shoulders. She leans in, pressing her forehead to yours, “Welcome home mi amore.”

As she holds you, Bridget sticks her head out from the kitchen, “Melissa, I didn't peg you for a woman to have all plastic plates and cups.”

The redhead laughs, “It is a new development-still getting used to it.”

She goes to walk back into the kitchen, but you gently grab her wrist. She turns to look at you- your eyebrow is quivering in confusion- your words fall out in a rush, “What happened to all your nice plates?”

“I got rid of them and all the belts. I refuse to have any items in this house that will trigger you,” Melissa admits with an earnest look in her eye.

Your heart soars as you look at her- you realize that no one has ever tried to understand you in this way, has seen the darkest parts of you not left. You lean forward to kiss her- just a light brush of your lips- before you pull away. “I love you Mel.”

You want to say more, but the words are lost; maybe one day you will be able to tell her. 

-~-

By the time dinner was done Melissa and Bridget were swapping stories like they had known each other their whole life. The two sides of your world coming together made your heart soar, and for the first time in weeks, you feel like everything is finally falling into place. You don’t even mind when Bridget is screen-sharing old embarrassing photos of you on the TV. You only smile as you watch the show while your legs rest in Melissa’s lap. The redhead has one hand resting on your thigh, with her thumb creating small circles. Her other hand was brushing through your hair lightly. Every so often, she would lean over and kiss you gently on the forehead. Melissa had always been affectionate, sure, but ever since the break, it was like she needed one hand touching you to make sure that you wouldn’t disappear. 

 It was deep into the night when Bridget finally escaped to the guest room. Melissa gently nudges your shoulder, waking you from the light slumber that you had fallen into. 

“You ready to go to bed, mi amore?” she asks, brushing your hair behind your ear. 

You nod sleepily, letting Melissa grab your hand and walk you back to the bedroom. Even in your half-asleep daze, you notice the small differences since your absence. A new picture of you is on her nightstand from when she took you book shopping- her therapy notebook is turned upside down on the bed with her cursive scrawl visible on every page- sticky notes with reminders were stuck all over her vanity. 

Remember who you are doing this for. Sober looks good on you. You will find you again. Nothing that happens today requires a drink. Look at you all sober and shit.

You walk over to her vanity, grabbing a purple sticky note you scrawl: I love you Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti. Forever and Always. You place it in the middle of the mirror as Melissa wraps her hands around your waist. Her hair falls over your shoulder as she leans into you. 

“Forever and always sounds pretty good to me,” She whispers and kisses you gently on the cheek.

-~-

Melissa’s arm is wrapped around you, her face buried into your hair, when the bedroom door opens. The redhead looks as the hallway light spills into the room. Bridget is dressed in a dark hoodie and shorts, motioning for Melissa.

“Mel!” She says in a loud whisper, “It’s Taco Bell time!” 

“You still haven’t learned to whisper,” You groan, burying yourself further into the pillow.

This only causes Bridget to come in, flopping herself down on the bed.  She boops your nose, “Are you joining us for Taco Bell time sis?”

“Bring me back a drink and a burrito.”

Bridget doesn’t wait a moment longer, only pulls Melissa from the bed. The two of them don’t even try to be quiet as the redhead gets ready for the adventure. You pretend to sleep but listen as they run through the house laughing the entire time. You hear the front door shut and then immediately open again. Melissa rushes back into the bedroom, out of breath, leaning down to kiss you on the forehead. 

“I’ll be back mi amore,” She whispers before running back down the stairs. 

A smile crosses your lips as you flick on the nightstand light, pulling out a book to wait for the goofballs to come home. 

Bridget is driving while Melissa blasts music through the speakers. They scream along to the lyrics, windows down as the cool night air rushes across their skin. Melissa feels like she is in high school all over again, but one important thing is missing: alcohol. Your sister notices immediately how her mood dampens, and she turns the music down. 

“I used to mix Tito’s into my Mtn Dew- then drive around till the sun came up, seeing if I could avoid the police while hitting 100 on the side roads,” Bridget explains as she pulls into the drive-thru line.

There is a pause before Bridget begins again, and Melissa can see the tears springing in her eyes. “Till I was nineteen and I snuck my 13-year-old sister out of the house. I missed her and felt guilty for going to college. I was three drinks in before Y/N even got in the car. When she told me about how our mom was beating her again…I lost control and wrapped the car around a telephone pole.”

Melissa’s heart sinks and she reaches out her hand to wrap in Bridget’s as your sister begins to cry, “I almost killed myself and the most important person in my life. All because I wanted something to numb the memories that haunted me. I haven’t drank since the day I knew Y/N was going to be okay.”

“Y/N said you were sober but never told me why.”

“She doesn’t remember. Well, she chooses not to,” Bridget explains. “She knows that we were in the car and that I was driving, but she thinks it was ice that made us crash. Even after I told her it was all my fault… she just hugged me and told me in her mind it would always be because of the ice.”

“What I am trying to tell you Lis is that the need to have alcohol…it never really goes away. Instead, you learn to exist around the missing piece, a kind of grief that isn’t about a person but a thing, that you know you can never get back. You just have to remember why you wanted to get sober in the first place,” Bridget consoles Melissa, grabbing the food from the window. “Also, it helps to do stupid shit sober.”

Melissa quirks an eyebrow when a huge bag of hot sauces lands in her lap. Bridget slides the cashier a twenty and then sets back off into the Philly night, “We have about twenty minutes before Y/N’s food gets too cold. We can probably hit at least fifty mailboxes in that time.”

“You want to place hot sauce packets…in mailboxes,” Melissa asks, knowing damn well she is already in for the stupid prank.

Bridget nods and pulls down a side street, parking the car, “First one to finish their side of the street wins.”

-~-

Twenty minutes later, Melissa and Bridget burst into the bedroom. They flop down on either side of you, full of laughter and bright smiles. 

“How many hot sauce packets did you hand out this time?” You ask through a fit of giggles.

“66!” Melissa smiles, “Shame we didn’t get those last 3 in.”

Bridget snorts, handing you a bag, “Next time Lis. I need a rematch anyway.”

You look at the redhead with a broad grin, “You beat her? Now that is something I have to be witness to next time.”

The conversation lulls after that as food is swapped and shared, but Melissa’s heart is full. She watches as you lie on her chest, curling into her, but stick one hand out to hold Bridget’s. You lean up to kiss her gently on the cheek before settling back down to fall asleep for the night. The redhead is on the edge of the bed, but has never been more comfortable than she is right now. This is the life that she has always wanted, and now that she has it, she refuses to let it go ever again. 

-~-

Dear Y/N,

In one night, Bridget has shown me more love than my family has my whole life. I want this life with you more than I think I have ever wanted anything. Yet every day I am waiting for the other shoe to drop- for me to fuck it all up. Ava always talks about how a life of sobriety doesn’t mean there won’t be relapses; it is about how we recover from the relapse. I am just worried that if there is a relapse, we won’t be strong enough to recover from it. Or maybe I won’t be. I don’t know anymore mi amore. How can I be so happy and so scared all at the same time? I don’t want to be scared anymore.

Chapter 15: You

Summary:

Summary: You are supposed to be getting better, everything is falling into place, but maybe not as smoothly as you hoped.

Warnings: Dissociation, Flashbacks, Abusive past alluded to,  dissociative amnesia, dark, angst, past trauma (if I forgot any, please let me know)

Notes:

Lyrics: If you must wait// Wait for them here in my arms as I shake// If you must weep// Do it right here in my bed as I sleep// If you must mourn my love// Mourn with the moon and the stars up above// If you must mourn, don't do it alone

You wake up to the sound of music and laughter spilling through the open door.  You curl deeper into the blankets, enjoying the empty bed as you mentally prepare for the day. Bridget had asked Melissa last night for the full “Schemmenti Philly Tour,” which included the usual tourist spots as well as some of the redhead’s favorite places. Even after years of living in Philly, you had never truly explored the surrounding areas. You know that Melissa is going to give one of the best tours, but there is a prickling in your spine that you are going to be overwhelmed by all the people. You think about texting Ouida, hands already hovering over contact, but you don’t have the time before Bridget flops on the bed next to you. She wraps an arm around you before bopping your nose.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

“I really missed you,” you smile as she brushes a strand of hair behind your ear. “I am sorry…”
“Nope, no apologies,” Bridget interrupts. “I know it was Kylee keeping us separated, you are not going to apologize for anything that bitch did, all that matters is we are here together now.”

You let yourself believe the words for a moment, pushing away the nagging thoughts in your brain as Bridget begins to play with your hair. You attempt to change the subject away from your own turmoil thoughts.“The tour of Philly…are you thinking of moving here?”

Bridget’s smile widens, “I thought I could keep it a secret a little longer, but you still have that sister sense, always able to know my every move before I do it; this is why I could never surprise you.”

You laugh at memories of failed surprises coming back in small flashes, “This time, I am purely projecting. I want you close…plus you seem to like Melissa.”

“Correction- I love Melissa,” the blonde clarifies, and a piece of you melts. 

“That’s cause I am fuckin amazing,” Melissa says, walking in carrying three plates of food. “Don’t think I missed how my sous chef suddenly disappeared.” 

Bridget laughs, sitting up in bed, “I had to check on my sister; next time I will be there for the full process.”

Melissa’s face softens as she looks at you, “Everything okay, mi amore?”

You nod, taking the plate from her as she leans down to kiss your forehead, “Bridget was telling me about her plan to move to Philly.”

This starts an animated discussion over where Bridget should start looking, jobs that Melissa can help her get, and you listen with a smile on your face. You imagine what it would be like for this world to unfold in front of you. Melissa and Bridget existing in the same orbit, the family you always dreamed about, you want to believe in it so bad, yet there was something on the edges of your mind reminding you that it will never happen, that it is not the life that you deserve. You know that you need to text Ouida…at some point, but not now.

-~-

Melissa drives all over the city of Philly, leaving no place unexplored when it comes to her tour. At first, it is smaller things- where she went to high school, her Nonna’s house, her childhood home- but then it is the usual tourist stops. It starts with the Love sign.

Melissa walks through the crowd holding your hand with a childish grin on her face. The letters are stacked on top of a large metal box with a line of people waiting for a picture. You fall in line, and the first hit of anxiety starts to crawl up your spine. You push it aside, smiling for your photo with Bridget. Then Melissa lifts you in her arms bridal style, and you squeal, curling your arms around her. She beams at you, leaning in to kiss your cheek. Bridget begs for a picture of all three of you, and Melissa finally relents, letting a stranger take her phone to snap it. When Bridget and Melissa sling their arms across your shoulder, sandwiching you between them, you feel like maybe, for once, everything is sliding into place. 

When the photoshoot is done, Melissa’s next stop is the Mütter Museum. Your sister thrives off the strange and mysterious wandering through the exhibits like a child in a candy store. Melissa holds a hand securely around your waist as you both walk behind Bridget. The blonde spews random facts every couple of minutes, and you know she is in absolute heaven. Towards the end of the museum, Melissa leans over whispering.

“Remind me never to piss your sister off, she knows exactly how-when-and where to bury my body.”

“Damn straight I do,” Bridget quips.

 You can't help but let out a loud laugh, which causes multiple people to turn and stare at you. Before embarrassment can set in, Melissa ushers the group outside. When you step outside, the feeling passes when the sun washes across your face, and with the breeze picking up, you curl close to her. Not even a second passes before Melissa pulls off her jacket, wrapping it around you. 

She places a gentle kiss on your forehead before she asks, “How are you doing, my love?”

You hesitate for a moment, “I'm okay…where to next?”

“I'll race you up the Rocky steps,” Bridget grins, her competitive side coming out.

You accept her challenge, and the next thing you know, Melissa is filming you running the Rocky steps next to Bridget. Your heart is pounding and your ribs hurt by the time you reach the top. You beat Bridget, but only by a couple of steps, and she falls into your arms, panting hard. 

“I think I could get used to this,” she says finally.

“Me kicking your ass?” You laugh when you catch your breath.

“No,” Bridget mentions, her voice softening, “having my sister back.”

Tears well in your eyes as you crush her into a hug, “I love you, sis.”

Bridget holds you close, murmuring her mutual love when a voice cuts through the crowd. You hear your name and turn towards the sound, believing it to be Melissa; however, your eyes catch the redhead still at the bottom of the stairs waiting for your return. You go to turn the other way, but Bridget yanks your hand in the opposite direction. She practically pulls you down the stairs, and you stumble trying to keep up with her. 

“B, what is going on?” You ask as your legs throb from the punishing pace she has set. 

You know she is lying when she looks back at you, her features twisting with anxiety, “I just am really hungry, you know how I get when I am hungry.”

You go to look back, but Bridget pulls hard on your hand, “Don’t, Y/N, just come with me.”

There is a fear in her voice that raises the hair on your arm, so you fix your gaze forward at Melissa. She waits with a broad smile on her face, her hand immediately wrapping through yours when you reach her. Bridget guides everyone back to the car, the look of fear never leaving her eyes. While she isn’t paying attention, you turn back to look at the Rocky steps. At the bottom of the steps, Kylee smirks before waving at you, and your whole mind goes utterly blank. 

~-~

It starts in the base of your throat-a rock that makes it impossible to swallow-and then impossible to breathe around. You try and push it down further away as you step into the water, sure that it will wash away this fear, but you feel the monsters crawling up. Their nails rake against your skin, and your body shivers under the hot water. You tell yourself this can't be happening-not now- everything is going so well- the monsters can't be back. Yet you know it is a lie as your vision clouds and your mind goes dark. All that you can focus on is Kylee’s devilish grin staring into you, like she knows she still owns you, and she does, even if you won’t admit it. Your movements aren't your own then, you become controlled by someone else, that robot buried deep inside of you that takes control when you can’t. It is supposed to keep you safe, and has before, but this time is different… it wants to devour. It wants to release everything that you have worked hard to suppress. It wants to cut away the pieces you have mended until the whole world runs red- and this time you might let it.

“Something isn't right,” Melissa says as she looks up towards the bedroom. You have only been gone about ten minutes, but there is something in her gut that tells her she needs to get to you now.“I gotta go check on her.”

She stands from the table where Bridget is sitting and is down the hall in an instant. There is a tingle along her neck that grows as she enters the room. Melissa knocks sharply at the bathroom door before trying the handle- it’s locked- something that you have never done inside her house. You had told Melissa that you didn’t like locked doors, even if you were the ones to lock them, you needed an escape plan. There is no stopping the fear rolling through her now as she fumbles through her drawers. They come flying from her dresser until she finds the spare key. Her heart is pounding in her ears as she misses the lock once, twice, finally hitting home the third time. The door springs open, and Melissa’s heart drops. 

She pulls open the glass door, not caring that her clothes soak within an instant. She uncurls your fists, throwing the object aside as she wraps you in her arms.

“Baby, look at me,” Melissa pleads. “It’s Mel, baby, please. I'm right here.”

Your eyes are open but unfocused, a gray shadow consuming them. You don't register Melissa’s words, only staring blankly ahead. The older woman’s heart drops as she continues to look at you, present but so far away all at once. 

“Y/N, come on. Come back,” Melissa chokes out her tears, mixing with the water falling around her.

Bridget calls from the other room, “Y’all decent?”

“B! Come help!” Melissa screams frantically. “Something is wrong.” 

“Shit, she fucking looked back. I knew she was going to,” Bridget mumbles, scurrying inside the bathroom.

“What are you talking about?”

“Kylee,” Bridget hisses, “was at the fucking Rocky steps. I thought I pulled away Y/N in time, but fuck. I should have seen the signs. She wasn’t right after we left, and I figured it was just because she was getting overstimulated by all the people. ”

Guilt rushes through Melissa as she recounts the way that you retreated back into yourself. It was why Bridget and her had opted to eat back at home; it didn’t occur to her that something else could have happened. Bridget grabs a towel from the closet, rushing to shut the water off. The blonde wraps it around you, holding your cheek in the palm of her hand. Your body is limp and stiff all at the same time.

“Y/N, I know you are in there. It’s safe. You gotta come back out. You don't need to be in there right now. It’s just Mel and me. No one else is here. They can't hurt you. Come out, sweetheart,” She repeats, her thumb tracing your cheekbone.

A couple of moments trickle by of Bridget repeating the same phrase over and over, but your eyes remain far away. Finally, she moves to her next idea, placing Melissa’s hand on your other cheek. The clouds lift slightly by the pressure of Melissa holding you. 

Bridget sighs softly, “See, Melissa’s here. She didn’t go anywhere; we both have you. You got this. I know you are in there- just a little more- come on.”

The blonde looks desperately and Melissa. It stuns the older woman from her silence, “I love you Y/N, I am not going anywhere. Come back to me, I’ll keep you safe. I promise no one can hurt you.”

It’s a violent snap back to your body like a rubber band falling back into place. Your eyes clear and immediately fill with tears. Your body crumples, and Melissa struggles to catch you as her feet slide against the wet tile. Bridget supports the redhead until she gains her footing. You are uncontrollably sobbing now as Melissa reaches under your knees and lifts you again. Bridget helps open the door for Melissa so she can carry you back into the safety of the bedroom. 

The crying has slowed, but you cling to Melissa, your hand fisting into the collar of her shirt. She lays you down against the bed, but when she goes to move, you pull her back to you. You refuse to open your eyes, only nuzzle into her.

“Baby, Bridget is going to get you some clothes to sleep in,” Melissa says, pointing to the fallen drawers. “We will get you dressed and then both of us will lie with you.”

You nod faintly, and Bridget sets to work gathering the fallen clothes. You remove your hand for only a moment, allowing Melissa to slide an oversized t-shirt onto your body. She shifts you into the middle of the bed, settling under the covers. You immediately curl yourself around her, letting her wrap a protective arm around you. Bridget moves to the other side of the bed, bookending you into a safety net. Melissa runs her fingers through your hair, kissing your temple lightly. She doesn’t release a solid breath until you fall asleep in her arms, your grip finally loosening around her collar. 

“I have never seen her like that,” Melissa whispers, her fingers still running through your hair. “I have seen nightmares before, but this… this was something entirely different.”

“I have seen it a lot growing up, but it has never been this intense before,” Bridget admits. “We uh…we didn't grow up in the safest of places. So she created one for herself. A little part of her mind that was so deep and dark that she felt no one could reach her. At first, it was safe there, but it turned bad; it was like someone took her over and made her do or say unspeakable things. A robot that does whatever is necessary to keep her alive, no matter the cost, even if it means, at times, chipping away pieces of herself. The worst part is, she won’t remember a damn thing when she wakes up.”

Your girlfriend startles at this, “What do you mean she isn’t going to remember what happens? How is that even possible?”

“Her therapist once told Y/N that it is dissociative amnesia, a way to repress the memories that her brain can physically not hold on to anymore,” Bridget explains. “It is also probably why she struggles to share stuff about Kylee. This…robot that takes over for her could have blocked out more than she realizes.”

Melissa contemplates this for a moment, and her heart breaks for you. It hurts to know that there are pieces of you that hurt so much; the only way to survive is to physically remove yourself from them. She wonders how many memories you have packed in a box and placed away, afraid of the answer, but also devastated that she may never know.  She holds you close to her, placing a kiss along your hairline. 

“I am here, mi amore, I will never let you go, I love you.”

Chapter 16: Constellations

Summary:

Summary: There is darkness but Melissa will always help you find the light.
Warnings: Smut, WLW, 18+, cunnilingus, fingering, hickies

Notes:

Lyrics: You pull my head up as you're dripping down my chin, uh // I feel your heart start to beat // When I hit the spot you know I hit it perfectly, yeah // And you taste so sweet //Leave me wanting more soon as we get out the sheets

You wake up not really knowing when or how you got to bed in the first place, but you know it couldn’t have been good. Melissa is awake next to you; you can tell by the lack of snoring, but her body is still rigid against you. You try to recall any memory from the previous night, but the last thing you remember is getting in the shower. By this time, you are used to these gaps in knowledge and know that even if you continued to search, nothing else would surface. There was one thing that you had never taken into consideration before- Melissa seeing it happen.

You turn towards her and your heart immediately plummets. Her eyes are bloodshot from crying, and dark circles show how exhausted she really is. You are almost positive that she has not slept at all. 

“Angel?” You ask gently, reaching up to cup her cheek. 

“Good morning, mi amore,” she whispers, pressing against your hand.

“What happened?”

“You really don't remember,” Melissa croaks with a new rush of tears threatening to spill down her face. “I knew Bridget was telling the truth, but I was hoping…I was hoping maybe this time you would remember.”

She grips your hips hard, and there is a flash of fear that crosses her face again as she recalls everything that happened the previous night. 

“Tell me,” you insist, and Melissa’s face pales. “It clearly terrified you. I need to know what happened.”

Melissa gulps, beginning to trace patterns along the skin right above your hip bone. “You were in the shower, holding a…holding a…”

She can’t finish the sentence, stumbling over the memories. You rub your thumb along her cheek, trying to slow her anxiety.

“A razor,” you guess, and when Melissa gives you a confused look, you clarify, “using context clues.”

“You didn't do anything… I got there in time,” Melissa says with a relieved sigh. “You just were gone…you weren’t there. Your body was there, but you weren’t there.” 

You go to say something, but Melissa continues, “I didn’t know how to get you out; Bridget had to come in to save you. I… I didn’t know what was going on.”

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you,” you mumble, kissing her forehead gently. “I was hoping that you would never have to see that part of me. I should have told you… I am so sorry.”

Melissa nuzzles into your neck, “I know now. That is all that matters, but I think you should talk to Ouida. You need to talk to Ouida.”

You agree with her extending your arm to grab your phone as Melissa clings to you. You text Ouida, and she sets an appointment for an hour from now. You rub Melissa’s back, let her relax against you. 

“Get some sleep, Angel,” you whisper. “I’ll be right here.”

Melissa nods, already half asleep by the time you say her pet name. A couple of minutes later, she relaxes her hand, finally uncurling from your shirt. When you are sure she is asleep, you move out of the bed, wandering down to the kitchen. Bridget is leaning against the counter, sipping on a mug of coffee, when she sees you. 

“Good morning, sis,” she smiles, but it doesn’t meet her eyes. 

“It was that bad huh?”

Bridget nods, “Yeah… you talking to Ouida?”

“In about twenty minutes. Will you go upstairs and lie with Mel?”

“Of course,” Bridget says, kissing you on the cheek. “Don’t take too long. I wanna watch a movie before I have to leave.”

You promise that you won’t take long and then wander into Melissa’s dining room to find your computer. You set it up, then start tapping your pen against the table to erase your anxiety. 

Oudia pops up on the screen, her cool smile calming you immediately. You explain what happened… or what you can remember of it anyway. She doesn’t judge, but you can tell you has a plan brewing by the time you finish the story. 

“I want you to write it all down, everything, anything you can remember about your relationship with Kylee, but not just for you. Write it to Melissa and spare no detail,” Ouida explains. “You need to let it out; the hurt has to go somewhere.”

You hesitate, but you remember the look in Melissa’s eye this morning, the panic that she had lost you forever. If this could help you process this pain and help cope without going back to that place you had to try. So you write…for hours. Your hand cramps, but you don’t stop until the very first time you meet Kylee meets the moment you run away  and it is all down on paper. Every horrible moment is written in blue ink on the pages. You hold it together until the final couple of sentences: I wanted to die, because I thought it was going to be the only way to be free of her, but then I remembered how you smiled at me right before we left for spring break. You looked at me like I meant something…like I was worth something. You waved and said, “I'll see you soon, hun.” It was simple, but to me it was everything…it kept me alive. You have saved me more times than I can count…and I want to get better for me, for you, for us, for our future.

Tears soak the bottom of the page but they aren't sad tears. 

“How do you feel Y/N?”

“Free,” you whisper. I feel free.”

-~-

You stand outside the car holding onto Bridget’s backpack with an iron grip. She is hugging Melissa, saying her last goodbye. She turns to you, and you start crying. 

“I am going to be back soon,” she soothes, wrapping you into a hug. “Two months at most and then I will be here, with you, I promise.”

“You really don’t have to move here if you don’t want to.”

“Stop it,” Bridget chides. “I want to explore new things. I want to be close to you…I want to be here.”

You nod, still clinging to her slightly, “I love you, B.”

“I love you more than anything, my sweet girl,” she whispers, grabbing the bag from your hand. “I am so proud of you, always, please never forget that.”

You watch her walk into the airport as Melissa wraps her arm around your waist. You lean against her shoulder, sighing heavily. The redhead leans over to kiss your forehead gently. 

“Your sister is amazing,” she whispers, and you realize that she is just as upset as you.

You chuckle, hugging her close to you, “the very best. Can we go home and cuddle?”

Melissa’s heart swells when you mention going home, and a piece of her wonders if you finally believe her house can be yours one day. She kisses your forehead again.

“Yes, let’s go home, my love.”

-~-

Hours later, after Melissa has made your comfort food, you are lying across Melissa as you cuddle on the couch. She lets you nestle into her side, and her fingers tangle in yours as she rests them against her stomach. You cross your leg across her hips, tightening your hold on her as a movie runs in the background. You can hear the beat of her heart in your ear as you relax against her. Melissa lets her free hand roam across your back, slipping underneath your shirt to make circles on your bare skin. You feel every nerve ending start to spark as she traces along your hip bone and then across your back. 

Melissa has always been a physical person. Her hands always finding a way to touch you, and you are sure that the movements are innocent, but today they are setting you on fire. You and Melissa have been more intimate lately, now that pieces of your relationship are coming back together, but you can tell Melissa is holding back. A piece of you is glad that she is letting you make the moves, allowing you to decide what you are comfortable with, but the other part doesn’t want her to hesitate anymore. You want your Melissa back, in every way that you have come to love her. 

You study her as she moves her hand along your bare skin; she watches the TV intently as if this is the most normal thing in the world, but you…you are done waiting. 

You grab her chin, gently turning her head to look at you. Her breath stutters for a moment when her eyes meet yours, “Mi amore?”

You don’t respond, just lean in to kiss her hungrily. A soft moan escapes her lips, and for a moment she freezes, but then something takes over. Her fingers lace through your hair, nails scraping your scalp lightly as she bites down on your bottom lip. It is gentle, just a slight pull before she kisses along your jaw. Her hot breath causes goosebumps to rise against your skin as she moves down your neck. Your head tilts to give her more access, and you feel the hesitation in the redhead. She is a biter and always has been, leaving you with more hickeys than you can count, but her fingers grip your hip like she is trying to contain herself. 

“Mel, bite me,” you whisper.

“I…I…are you sure?” She asks, still hovering over your neck. 

“Please…make me yours.”

The control in her snaps for a moment, and she is in a frenzy now, kissing and nipping down your neck until she gets to your pulse point. She doesn’t hold back, biting down hard, and you arch into her, moaning loudly as she sucks against your skin. Your fingers find their way into her hair, pressing her against you. You don’t know how long this goes on, all you know is that when she pulls away, the whimper that leaves your mouth makes Melissa laugh. 

“Mi amore… do you really want this?” She asks gently, her hands still running up and down your sides. 

“I want this,” you whisper, brushing another kiss across her lips.

“Then let’s go,” Melissa says, scrambling off the couch and grabbing your hand.

You giggle as she practically runs to the bedroom, slamming the door behind you. The fairy lights she strung across the ceiling for you months ago cast a low light across the room, but you marvel in the way her eyes seem to sparkle underneath them. 

“You are absolutely beautiful,” you whisper as Melissa pulls you close to her.

“Not nearly as beautiful as you,” she says before kissing you again. 

There is still hunger in this kiss, but it is less frantic now, as if Melissa is trying to relearn everything there is to know about kissing you. Your fingers pull at the hem of her shirt, and she pulls away for a second to let you toss it across the room. Your shirt follows, and then Melissa is back to placing open-mouthed kisses along your collar bones. You shiver against her, fingers finding the clasp of her bra. Once the last latch is undone, Melissa unwillingly moves her arms from you to let it fall to the floor. Your breath escapes you as you watch her chest heaving in the twinkling lights. You let your eyes trace across the freckles that are scattered along her skin, and before you realize it, your fingers are tracing them. 

“Baby,” she whispers against your neck, “you have an absurd amount of clothes on.”

You laugh as she pulls at the band of your sports bra, throwing it across the room in one swift motion. Then she leads you back to the bed, gently pushing you to fall backward into the sheets. Her eyes watch you intently, scanning every inch of your body. You squirm under her gaze, and she grips your hips to stop you from moving.

“I have missed this…” she murmurs as if she is afraid to admit it. “You are…fucking gorgeous.”

She hooks her fingers in the waistband of your sleep shorts, pulling them off you in one fluid movement. Her shorts follow after, and then she is boxing you in, her hands on either side of your shoulders, and you smile as her hair falls in a curtain around you.

“Mel,” you say, pushing a strand behind her ear to let in a glimmer of light. “I love you.”

“Say it again,” the older woman begs, leaning to kiss along your jaw.

“I love you, Melissa.”

You repeat the phrase over and over as she kisses down your neck, then your collarbones. You forget how to speak when she begins to bite and suck along your breasts, leaving large hickies. You are panting by the time she continues to kiss down your stomach. You are clutching at the sheets when she stops at your hip bones. She spreads your legs as she sinks to the floor, pulling your legs to the edge of the bed. 

Her fingers trail up your inner thighs as she takes you in. You look down at her, but only for a moment before you moan. She grins before pressing a kiss to your inner thigh. 

“Mi amore,” she murmurs, trailing kisses up and down your thighs, “I want you to look at me while I kiss away every pit of pain I have ever caused you.”

You stutter for a moment, but your eyes stay shut, and you whimper instead.

Mel does a soft nip to your inner thigh that causes you to jump. “Mi. Amore. Eyes. On. Me.”

“Mel,” you choke out, finally looking down at her. 

“Better,” she smirks, and her eyes darken once again.

With the flick of her tongue, you are arching off the bed. Melissa hooks her arms around your hips to anchor you back towards her. You don’t realize it, but your hand laces into her hair as she switches between sucking and licking your clit. You feel like your whole body is on fire, and you reach your climax sooner than you expect. 

“Mel.. shit. Mel.. I’m gonna…” you pant, one hand pulling her hair, the other one grasping the sheet. 

She doesn’t stop, just doubles her efforts until you are screaming her name and your legs clamp around her head. You ride the wave until your body gives out and you release the redhead. She leans back against her heels with a smug smile on her face. You glance at her and bite down on your lip hard. You are dripping down her chin, and Melissa doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. 

“Come ere,” you murmur, reaching for her hand.

She crawls up on the bed, curling herself next to you. She kisses your cheek before nuzzling into your neck. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” you smile, turning into Melissa. 

You swipe your thumb across her chin, cleaning her for a moment, before licking it off. Melissa moans as she watches you. You chuckle before capturing her lips again. Your fingers trail down her stomach, and you notice as her breath hitches. You smirk into the kiss.

“Baby.. I need…” she pants.

“I know,” you whisper against her lips before sliding two fingers inside of Melissa. 

She gasps and starts rolling her hips against your hand. Your thumb finds her clit, and soon she is moaning your name in the shell of your ear. Her fingers grip your back, and you can feel Melissa already on the edge.

 Melissa’s every nerve is on fire and she is overwhelmed by it all. She doesn't remember sex being this…powerful, but that is when she remembers, she hasn't had sex sober. Now that she has, she can't go back, not when she feels everything. Feels the way your fingers curl inside of her just right, feels the way your palm hits her clit, feels the way your hot breath rolls across her skin. She doesn't want to feel numb again, she wants to feel you… to feel real. 

“Baby.. fuck.. don't stop.”

 You don't plan on it but you pause for a moment to look at the woman you love. The woman who has given you everything and then some. And you know… you will spend the rest of your life loving her. You want to marry her… and it excites but terrifies you all at once.

To distract yourself you move to her neck and bite down on her pulse point, causing her to gush over your hand. You wait for Melissa to come down for the high before you remove your hand. You bring up your fingers, and she waits with an open mouth. 

When your fingers are clean, she pulls a blanket around you both. You curl into her, and she clutches you close to her chest. She places a gentle kiss on your forehead. 

“You are my whole world,” she murmurs as she begins to trace your skin again.

“I'm all yours, forever and always,” you promise.

Chapter 17: Monsters In My Mind

Summary:

Warnings: It comes before the summary today because I feel it is necessary. (If I forgot anything, let me know.) This chapter is angsty, it is dark, and honestly, Melissa fucks up. Mentions of abusive relationships, forced marriage, dissociation, and explicit language in a derogatory way, cliffhanger, mention of cheating.

Summary: Monsters come in all shapes and sizes, yours live not only in your head but in the form of your ex girlfriend...or so you think.

A/N: We are going all the way back to Chapter 4 for this memory y'all.

Notes:

I ran away to hell and back // I'm feeling like a maniac //They hunt me down // They be waiting in the dark, dark, dark, dark (dark)

Things have been going so well with Melissa that you stop waiting for the other boot to drop. There is always a little voice in the back of your head that tells you something will happen, but you push it down. You choose to live in the moment and trust that Melissa will catch you if you fall. The only person that you have ever trusted in this manner is Bridget and you know that it will be a rocky journey, but you are willing to do it for her. Trusting Melissa should be scary, but it feels easy, like it was the simplest decision in the world. Which should have been the first sign that things were only going to take a turn for the worst. 

You are thinking over this as you lean against your classroom door, watching your students file out of the school. You feel the anxiety rising again but shove it back down as you look at your girlfriend. In her usual blazer and slacks she looks gorgeous, and your thoughts circle back to the previous night. How her red curls looked between your thighs, the way your limbs tangled with hers, and it felt like you found home not in a place but inside of someone’s heart. 

 Melissa smiles from across the hall, beckoning you towards her. Once you are close enough, she reaches for you, draping her hands around your hips. 

“Mel, kids are still here,” you whisper as she lays her head on your shoulder

“And I need a hug,” the redhead sighs as she squeezes you closer. 

You brush your fingers through her hair gently, “Rough day?”

“One of the worst.”

You go to ask more questions when you hear her voice, the voice that is permanently burned into your brain. The one that haunts your dreams and the deepest, darkest parts of you. Your body goes cold as you turn towards the sound. 

When your eyes lock with her you bite your lip hard enough to draw blood. She can't be here. Abbott was supposed to be safe…you were supposed to be safe.

Melissa notices the shift in you immediately and wraps an arm around your waist, “Mi amore what is it?”

Janine is the one who answers as she rushes into the hall. She stands in front of you trying to shield you with her small body. “Kylee what are you doing here?”

Melissa immediately shoves you behind her standing next to Janine but the damage is already done. You feel yourself slipping, the darkness settling in, as you struggle to find any place safe. Barbara pulls you from it for a moment when she pulls you against her side. Her touch is reassuring, but you know none of it matters. Kylee is giving you that look,the one that lets you know you have lost, she caught her prey and won't stop till she tears you piece by piece. You instinctively flinch which only makes her eyes sparkle. She knows that she still haunts you and for her that is like winning the lottery. 

She gives you a cruel smile, “I'm here to pick up my nephew. Figured I would stop to say hi to a familiar face.”

“You aren’t fucking wanted,” Melissa says through gritted teeth.

“Oh Melissa…so happy to see you again,” Kylee says, turning to the redhead.

“We haven't met. I would remember a low life like you,” your girlfriend responds, giving Kylee an icy glare.

Kylee only laughs at this reaching for her phone, “Then let me jog your memory, sweetheart.”

It only takes a second before she flips the phone for everyone to see. Melissa is sitting at the bar with Kylee’s hand gripping her thigh. Kylee has her other hand laced through crimson red hair as she kisses Melissa. One moment frozen in time to ruin the life that you have built brick by brick.

“Oh sweet baby Jesus and the grown one too,” Barbara whispers her hand tightening on your hip but you barely feel it. In front of Kylee you feel nothing, see nothing, because you are nothing.

Melissa’s heart drops to her stomach as she remembers this night. It had been the night Barbara had pulled her from the bar. Kylee was the raven haired woman at the bar who had made a pass at her. Kylee words swirl in her head- Every choice I have made has been deliberate and I don’t think I regret a single one of them.

She was talking about you. She knew who Melissa was, who she was to you, and she had pursued her to intentionally harm you. Melissa looks back to try and explain but you are gone. All she sees is your retreating form as Barbara pulls you away. 

A new fire burns deep in the older woman as she turns back toward Kylee, “What the fuck have you done?”

“What I should have done a long time ago,” Kylee smirks and takes another step towards the redhead.

Anyone else would have cowered from Melissa. Not Kylee, she inches forward to poke the bear. Kylee presses a hand towards Melissa and shoves. Not hard but enough to make her move but so hard that the redhead can feel her fight response click back in. Her inhibitions are long gone, eyes dark with a monster she has let take control, she is close to snapping when Kylee speaks again.

“It’s only fair to try a taste…you are sleeping with my wife after all.”

Melissa blinks rapidly, “Your what?”

That is when the redhead realizes that a paper was pushed against her chest. She scans it, losing her breath as the words hit her. Certificate of Marriage . 

“It’s our three year wedding anniversary today,” your wife laughs and the color drains from Melissa’s face. “Didn't tell you, did she? That bitch never could tell the truth.”

Melissa knows she shouldn't believe her, not when she has heard so much about how Kylee treated you, but the proof in her hands makes her second guess herself. Then the more she thinks about it, she realizes she doesn’t know anything, not really. You have kept the truth about Kylee so buried that Melissa wonders if it could be true. 

“I…I…” she stammers.

“Should stop fucking my wife,” Kylee interjects.

“And you should get the hell off my property. There is an active restraining order in place requiring you to stay over 500 feet away from Abbott Elementary at all time,” Ava snaps, pulling Melissa from her daze. “I already called the cops.”

Kylee only shrugs, turning to leave. Before she reaches the door she turns around one final time. “She isn't yours Melissa. Never was and never will be. I own her. Her body. Her mind. Her soul. Always.”

The door slams behind her and Melissa is shaking. Ava goes to place a hand on her shoulder but the redhead slaps it away.

“Don't fuckin touch me.”

“Mel, don't be stupid,” Ava argues as the older woman turns on her heels. “You aren't thinking straight.”

“Leave. Me. Alone.” Melissa yells storming down the hall.

She finds her way to the one place she knows Barbara would have hidden you- the library. She pushes open the door not caring that it bounces off the wall by the force of her shove. Barbara is sitting at the table watching over you. She swivels toward her best friend's fear in her eyes.

“Melissa what are you doing?”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” Melissa spats.

Barbara glares at her best friend crossing her arms. If there is one person to stand up against the monsters that ravage the redhead it is her work wife. “Absolutely not.”

“Get. Out.”

“Whatever you have to say to her you say with me here. I'm not letting you near her when you are like this,” Barbara retorts sitting next to you.

They glare at each other with icy stares. It is a battle of wills but Melissa eventually caves turning towards you. 

“You lied to me,” Melissa snaps.

You break out of your trance, the world zooming back into focus. Everything is a blur with a surrounding darkness that you can't shake.Your skin is ice cold and you feel a fluttering that starts in your heart and seems to consume you. The other boot is dropping and you are sure it is going to shatter everything around you.

“You… you…how could you?” She barks out.

Your heart clenches at the words and the anger spreading across your girlfriend’s beautiful face. “What are you talking about?”

Melissa throws the marriage certificate on the table towards you, watching for your reaction. She is sure that she has caught you in a trap, but instead, you look utterly confused. Your eyes take in the names, your signature at the bottom, and the date along the top. You dig through your memories frantically searching for anything, but it comes up blank.

“You’re fuckin married,” Melissa grits out finally.

“No…it can't be,” you say through a choked sob.

“You always talked about how you didn't know if marriage was worth it, how it was more complicated than it needed to be. You made it seem like it would take a fuckin miracle to get married…yet you married that bitch .”

Melissa’s rage fills the room. You want to cower, want to curl back into yourself, and let the monster inside take control. However you are so tired of letting the monster win, of letting it control you, you are tired of people always wanting to control you. You fight to stay present as you finally meet her green eyes.

“I didn't know Mel, I didn't know.”

Melissa scoffs, rolling her eyes, "Convenient that when things get hard and you are confronted with the truth, you suddenly don't remember.”

Her comment stings, not because she is wrong, but because it’s true. Your coping method has made your life a puzzle that you are constantly missing pieces of. No matter how hard you look, you know that some of these pieces will never return. 

“You are married…” Melissa repeats bitterly.

“Mel, please…I didn't do this. I didn't consent to this. This isn't right. You have to believe me,” you plead.

“I don't make it a habit of listening to liars,” she retorts.

“How can you be so cruel when there are pictures of you kissing her?” You ask bitterly.

“I was drunk,” Melissa responds with a small waver of guilt. “I pushed her away when I realized.”

You throw your hands up, “You were drunk. I was disassociated. It’s the same thing.”

Melissa scoffs and you curl your hands into a fist. “I forgive you…have forgiven you for so much. You can't listen to me for this one thing?”

“Listen for what Y/N? More lies?” Melissa growls and watches as you bite back your comeback. The act of restraint makes her blood boil. She wants to fight, to scream, anything to get out all these feelings threatening to explode out of her. She wants you to lose control in the same way hers is slipping.

 Instead, you take a deep breath before speaking. “I have never lied to you or given you a reason to believe that I wouldn't tell you anything if you asked. When are you going to stop treating me like I'm going to break your heart and instead realize I'm the woman you love who wants to spend the rest of her life with you?”

“I don't think that woman ever existed,” Melissa whispers, and you are sure she can hear as your heart finally shatters.

“I love you, Y/N, and I am not leaving. Not today…not ever if you let me,” you repeat, stopping Melissa as she goes to the open door. “That is what you told me…when I was standing right there. That you wouldn't leave, that you loved me, for as long as we could have each other.”

The memories of the first time Melissa said she loved you rush back to her in a wave. She falters for a moment before she hardens her resolve. “Well then, I guess we are both liars.”

She exits, slamming the door behind her, and you are sure your whole world cracks with it. Tears rush down your face as you look down at the piece of paper that has acted as a bomb. You want to rip it to shreds or watch it burn to ash, but it will do no good. Kylee will always find a way to win, find a way to make sure you remember that you are hers. So instead, you sit and stare at it until Barbara finally calls out to you.

“Y/N…are you okay?” She asks timidly.

“Kylee always told me that no matter how far I ran, how much I tried to change, that she would find me. The moment I found real happiness, she would come and destroy it…just to prove that she had complete control over me. I still hear her voice when the police took her away… You’ll always be mine Y/N, only mine ,” you say through a rush of tears, slamming your hand against the paper. “She fucking owns me, and I don't remember a damn thing.”

-~-

After Melissa storms out of Abbott, she drives until her vision isn't red. She doesn’t know how long she drives, only that when she finally stops, it is outside a bar…a familiar bar. Her hands clutch the steering wheel as she looks at the bright neon lights of the shitty gentleman’s club she used to go to when Joe was cheating on her. The place she used to escape to when she needed to remember that she was hot, sexy, and valued by both men and women. A place she could go in and forget who she was entirely. 

She leaves her phone in the car, only grabbing her wallet before she exits the car. The familiar smell of cigarettes, liquor, and sex meets her when the door opens. She closes her eyes as she shoves down the tears threatening to make another appearance and walks over to the bar. The chair sticks to her pants as she climbs on it, but at this point, she is past caring. Grabbing a random cigarette from a jar in the middle, she strikes a match and lights it. The first drag releases the tension in her shoulders. The second one lets her vision clear. The third makes her realize that maybe this is a mistake. She almost stands to leave when a drink is placed in front of her. 

“I didn't order anything,” Melissa says, glancing at the bartender.

It’s a younger woman dressed in next to nothing. She leans over the counter, a smile playing on her lips. “It’s on the house, suga can't let a pretty lady like you be without a drink.”

“You are just saying that to get a tip,” Melissa retorts.

“No, I let guys stare at my tits for a tip. The drink is cause I can tell you are havin a rough go, and maybe you need a friend,” the bartender admits.

“I don't know what I need right now,” the redhead admits.

The bartender shrugs, “well if you figure it out my name is Precious. I'll be here all night.”

She walks away but turns with a wink, “and my tits will be too. I'll let you have a look for free suga.”

Melissa rolls her eyes she turns back to the glass in front of her. Images of you swirl around in her head. You were so confused when you looked at the paper…then you were filled with fear. It was almost as if the paper confirmed something you knew all along. To the redhead, it confirmed one thing- she was tired of letting her heart get shattered.

Melissa holds the glass up, smelling the liquor it contains. It burns her nose, and a part of her aches to drink it. She twirls her AA chip in her hand as if to ground her. Two more days and she would be thirty days sober. It’s so close yet feels like a lifetime away, and right now she can't find a reason to keep going. Why get sober when nothing waits for her besides a cold and empty house? She debates what to do for a moment before finally putting the AA chip down against the bartop. 

Chapter 18: Sober

Summary:

Summary: Melissa has officially reached rock bottom and she is content to stay there until the monster swallows her whole.

Warnings: Alcohol, Physical Violence from Melissa towards Reader, Mentions of past abuse, end of sobriety, smoking (did I forget anything?)

Notes:

A/N: I was possessed and wrote this in two hours. Take that as you will.

Lyrics: Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don't wanna fight // I try and I try and I try and I try and I try // Just hold me, I'm lonely // Momma, I'm so sorry, I'm not sober anymore

Melissa thought she had reached rock bottom when she had watched you storm from her house in tears. Without you in her life, she was sure that the end had been imminent…but she had been so wrong. Rock bottom came when she was peeling herself off the floor of a hotel forty-eight hours after she had arrived at the gentleman’s club with no remembrance of how she had gotten there or what she had done. 

As the redhead sits up, she tries to gain pieces of her life back by looking around her surroundings. There is a pizza box on the floor with half of it missing, and the other half is completely void of any cheese or toppings. Her teacher's bag is strewn across the floor; the homework she was supposed to be grading is covered in grease and dirt. The table and half of the floor are covered in liquor bottles that she doesn’t remember drinking until there is a turn in her stomach. She crawls across the floor on her hands and knees to the bathroom, her hands sticky from the alcohol and remnants of food that she navigates through. As she grips the edges of the toilet, she knows that whatever is about to come out of her can’t be good. 

It is a never-ending stream that sucks whatever remaining energy Melissa had gathered straight from the bottom of her soul. She lies curled over the bathtub until another wave of nausea passes. Stumbling to her feet, she goes to wash her mouth in the sink when her appearance in the mirror catches her by surprise.  There is makeup smeared across her face, but not the makeup that she went to school in; this is caked-on glitter and vibrant pops of color. Her hair, which normally falls in loose curls around her shoulders, is clumped together, coated in dirt, and god only knows what. She wears only a black lace bra that barely covers her breasts, but that is not the alarming part. The thing that concerns Melissa most is the dollar bills that are tucked along in the cups. How they got there, she has no clue, but she pulls them out one by one until over four hundred dollars stare back at her. She shivers trying to remember how they got there in the first place, but when she looks for the memory, all she feels is the buzz of the alcohol still running through her veins. She looks back at the mirror to see if this is all just some elaborate dream. Her green eyes are muted, and Melissa realizes with a sinking pit in her stomach that the monster is back. 

She can see it lurking in the corner of her vision, a smile stretched across its face as it realizes that it has won. Melissa has thrown away her sobriety, her life, and whatever good thing she was hoping to get. You gave her one chance, and she has drowned it under a mixture of tequila, vodka, and a splash of whiskey. 

Melissa wants to cry, wants to run from the monster who creeps closer, waiting to consume her, but she can’t move. Not because she is sad, but because she is consumed by uncontrollable rage. You were the one who had lied, who had given Melissa joy, who had let her believe that she could make something of herself. How could she have forgotten her cardinal rule- never hope because hope kills you more than anything else in life will. 

“Red, you done throwing up in here? I have to piss,” a voice calls out to her, making the older woman jump. 

Standing in the bathroom door is a young blonde woman who is clad in only Melissa’s shirt. Melissa’s face pales, a bubble of anxiety rushing up to greet her.

“I…did we… shit,” Melissa mutters, struggling to remember who this woman even is, let alone what they may have done together. 

“Relax, Red,” the woman says, stepping around her to sit on the toilet. “We didn’t fuck. Not for my lack of trying, either, but you keep going on about your girlfriend, how you could never betray her, how she is the love of your life. Blah. Blah. Blah.”

“Then why are you in my hotel room…in my shirt?” The older woman asks, and for the first time in years, Melissa’s voice wavers on a question to a stranger.

The blonde rolls her eyes as she shoves Melissa aside to wash her hands. “This is my hotel room. You have been crashing here for the last two nights to hide from your girl because you figured out she was married. I told you to relax a little before you decided what to do. You felt bad that you didn’t have any money, so you worked my bartending shift last night. Fully blasted, mind you… but you brought in more tips than I do on a Friday night. Probably because you flashed any man who asked your tits as long as they gave you a twenty.”

Bits of the night start to come back to Melissa in broken pieces. She remembers calling Ava, telling her that she would need a sub for Friday, then sneaking back into the bar and drowning herself in alcohol. When she ran out of money, she offered to start bartending instead, often going shot for shot with those that she was serving. She groaned, letting her head fall back to hit the wall behind her. 

“Now hold on a damn minute, I didn’t say I was keeping all of it,” the other woman protested, slipping dollars back into Melissa’s bra. “I will let you keep half. It is only fair.”

“I can’t believe…I have ruined everything,” Melissa whispers.

“Great, now we are back to this again,” the blonde groans as she rolls her eyes. “The pity party started after your shift last night, and honestly, I am tired of telling you to go get your girl, so I am gonna tell you this. Get the fuck out of my hotel and go home.”

The woman helps Melissa gather her things, organize the papers on the floor, and even hands her a pack of Marlboros before she leaves. As Melissa stumbles to her car, the blonde shouts one final time.

“Red! It don’t matter that your girl was married. She left that piece of shit and chose you. Chooses you even when you aren't you. That is some special shit. Don't lose that.”

Melissa only nods, letting the words sink in as she starts the drive back home, leaving the window down to let the circles of smoke escape her lips and back to the clouds above.

~-~

You have spent the last 48 hours trying to piece together the parts of your life that seem to have gone missing. You don't understand how you erased a three-year marriage, but you also don't know how you would have remembered it. Kylee never let you take pictures with her, she never talked to you about anything, not even Bridget or Janine remember you mentioning it. You aren’t sure you would have told them anyway. By that time in your relationship with Kylee, she hadn't allowed you to even think about your sister, let alone talk to her. Then, when Janine had come along, you had done your best to keep her in the dark. All that you had been focused on at that moment was survival- how you could make it to the next day, the next hour, the next minute. 

You knew Melissa had a right to be upset, and every time you closed your eyes, your heart cracked a little more. You had memorized every line on her face as it had twisted into betrayal. Her heart had broken right before your eyes…but so did yours. 

By the time your twelfth call over the last two days had gone unanswered, you decided you had given Melissa enough space and you needed to see her. You stand outside her front door thinking about knocking, but decide against it. Instead, you pull out your key and place it in the lock. Your hand shakes as you turn it, but you take a deep breath before pushing open the door. 

The usual smell of home-cooked food, cedar candles, and a touch of cleaning bleach is not what first greets you when you enter. The absence of it causes a rock to form at the bottom of your throat, leaving you unable to speak. You press forward, moving further into the house, when the true destruction starts to reveal itself. 

Pictures of you and Melissa are torn from the wall, piled on top of random surfaces. Clothes that smell disturbingly of puke litter the floor beneath your feet. Take out containers and remnants of food are all over the couch and coffee table. Books are pulled from the shelf, blankets thrown over lamps, cushions ripped from the sofa. The TV stand is covered in cigarette butts. You would have thought Melissa had been robbed if you didn’t see her sitting in the middle of the mess with a bottle of vodka in her hand. 

“My love?” You ask cautiously, stepping over a puddle of what you hoped was spilled liquor.

She whips towards you and you shiver under her glare. Her cheeks are splotched with tears but it is her eyes that worry you the most. The green and browns you used to get lost in have been consumed by black. A darkness so endless that you wonder if your girlfriend ever existed in them to begin with. 

Melissa opens her mouth to speak, her fingers clenching into a fist. Yet as she attempts to force the words out she begins to sob instead. You step closer to her but stop when Melissa throws her hand up.

“Mel, I love you. I want to be with you. I want to marry you,” you say in a rush.

You expect the words to catch the redhead off guard just as much as you are shocked by them. You never once admitted that you wanted to marry Melissa. Instead, she stares back at you with a vacant expression as if the words hadn't even registered at all. 

 Your hands shake, and you shove them in your pockets as you continue to explain, “This marriage with Kylee…it wasn't love, it was a control tactic, a way to take ownership of me. I don't… I don't remember any of it. I have been looking for any sign that it even happened, and I can't find any. This has to be a trick. I never would have married her. Please. You have to believe me.”

She meets you with more silence, and you are panicking now. “Melissa, I'm telling you the truth. I'm trying to get you to understand. I would never betray you like that. Please…”

Your plea ends in a crack, and you can feel yourself beginning to cry. Finally, Melissa speaks her voice a robotic monotone.

“I don't think I even know who you are.”

The words hurt more than you expect. “You do know me. You know me better than anyone else in the whole world.”

Melissa shakes her head, “You only showed me what you wanted me to see. You tricked me into falling in love with you. You gave me hope just to rip it from me.”

You let out a choked sob, “I never…I didn't…it’s not a trick, Melissa. I'm still the same woman you fell in love with.”

“Get out,” the redhead responds through gritted teeth. 

When you shake your head no, she snaps. She grabs her journal from the floor, the silver moon etched on the purple background is still as vibrant as the first day Ouida gave it to her, but there are pages curled with her heavy writing. Without a second thought, Melissa tosses it towards you. The hard edge slashes across your cheek, and you immediately feel blood drip down your skin. 

Melissa expects you to react, but you don’t flinch or move away. You don’t even move to wipe the blood away, just let it create a map down your face. This pain is nothing compared to what you have dealt with before, and your face reveals that you believe you deserve this pain. You believe that you deserve to be punished for what you have done to the older woman. It enrages the monster consuming the older woman. 

“Get the fuck away from me!” She shouts, causing you to close your eyes against the sudden loudness. 

Melissa picks up the bottle of vodka, tossing it towards you. The throw is half-hearted this time, as if she doesn’t want to hit you. It explodes at your feet, coating you with the liquid. You only move to rip the journal away from the puddle forming. The sudden movement causes a drip of blood to fall from your face and soak into the top corner. 

“This isn’t you,” you whisper, staring at the creature that has taken over Melissa. “This isn’t the woman that I fell in love with.”

“Maybe that woman died,” Melissa sneers. 

You place the journal gently on the coffee table, giving one last look at the redhead in front of you. You lean forward to brush her hair behind her ear. She doesn’t pull away but stiffens under the touch. You press on, brushing a kiss on her forehead. Melissa feels herself soften under the pressure even though she tries to resist it.

“I love you, Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti. More than I have ever loved anyone on this earth. I’m not giving up on us. Not now. Not ever. I know you are in there somewhere. Come back to me.”

Melissa starts to cry again as the words cloak her. She pushes your shoulder gently, forcing you to move back from her. “Please…just go.”

You hesitate, torn between wanting to stay by her side or leaving to let this monster further sink its claws into your girlfriend. Melissa chooses for you as she throws another bottle your direction. You back out of the room slowly, only letting out a breath when you are on the front porch. Taking your phone from your pocket, you call the only person you think can drag Melissa out of this. 

“Ava, I need your help.”

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of Monsters In My Head