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Nigel is waiting for Darko to call him, smoking outside the building his apartment is in, trying to get as much dull winter sun as he can. New York is cold as fuck this time of the year, but not as cold as home used to be.
Escaping Romania had been rough; not enough time to heal from the bullet he took to the head, just enough time to relearn how to walk. His fine motor skills are still a little wonky now, almost two years and a half since the accident; but smoking is like riding a bike, you just don’t forget how to do it.
Darko had helped him every step of the way, but had sent him to the US alone, at least for a while, until he could get settled and find a way to bring their business with him. “It’ll take time, but drugs are drugs”, he had told him, “we’ll find someone to deal with. We both know Americans are not above getting high.” Nigel had laughed at the time, eyes twinkling with the promise, but he had gotten sick of waiting real fast. He didn’t really need a lot to live, but fuck he missed his best friend, being able to do stuff , the thrill of the job, fighting, anything, really, to distract him from his thoughts.
He had waited months for Darko to come to New York and in the meantime he spent every night bar hopping, picking up fights, letting people know not to mess with him. It was easy, getting drunk and standing his ground against some flimsy nenorocitule that thought he could take him in a brawl. He laid the groundwork for whatever front his friend could bring, created a ghost that would stop idiots from going after them until everything was up and going. It had been simple, really, to set up a club, meet with vendors, find a good set of helping hands; both of them knew what they were doing.
Simple, however, didn’t mean fast.
He had been happy then, with a new found purpose, no longer left to the caverns of his own head and however many bottles of vodka it took to forget Gabi’s name. Darko and him had settled on Nigel being the muscle of the business while the other one took care of the accounts and clients; he looked intimidating to stupid Americans and, for all the problems his shaky hands gave him, he could still pack a mean punch.
It took a while until he came back to his gun, practice to get his stance and aim back, but he was glad to finally be able to do it; even if his friend mocked him for it the first time he found him trying to shoot bottles in the parking lot of the warehouse that accommodated part of their operation.
With his life back on track he settled on a routine of following deliveries, helping out in the club and chasing away the stupid fucks that would give shit to the bartenders and the girls. He was doing great, happy with his second chance at life after begging quietly for the first months after the gunshot that he could have done the sensible thing and just died out there on the bridge. It was just his luck to survive against his will.
If his body hadn’t hurt so much the first few months, he would have said that the worst part was the heartbreak. He no longer missed Gabi, though he still got angry when he thought about her. He felt like God had him shot for trying to keep her, and he wasn’t about to contest that and chase her again; one bullet to the head was enough, thank you very much. Besides, he knew deep inside him that he had never deserved her and, even if he thought that that fucking twink Charlie fucking Countryman was also not good enough for her, there was nothing he could do about it now.
The club had been running for almost six months when he met Adam for the first time. He had been doing his rounds around the club, checking on the girls and the staff, when a brown head of curls sat at the bar made him stop in his tracks. The kid looked like he couldn’t be more out of place, with a baby blue shirt and a red sweater. Nigel hesitated and sat a few seats away and called the bartender, Santiago, down to get a drink.
“Get me a beer, please.” Santiago laughed.
“Long night?” He asked with a smirk, but Nigel shook his head.
“Just getting started, darling, but what can you do?”
He could feel on his skin the glance the young man was giving him, but he stalled looking back, holding off a few seconds, drumming his fingers to the music. The moment he could sense he was not being watched he turned around, he looked the kid up and down, he seemed so small, but also so soft and what the fuck am I doing right now? He had things to do, people to check, fuckers to intimidate, but couldn’t help but think that maybe this was his lucky night. He hadn’t exactly been looking for a one night stand tonight, but the thought of those silky curls bouncing around filled his head.
Santiago placed a beer in front of him with a raised eyebrow, effectively stopping his thoughts. Nigel thanked him quietly, fixing his hair with one hand before taking it and turning around. He took a sip of his beer and found the courage to look again, why the fuck am I so nervous? He locked eyes with the man and was blown away instantly. Before even a second passed those beautiful blue eyes looked away and he was held frozen against the bar.
A woman passed in front of him and sat down right next to the angel, who turned and smiled at her. Shit. They started talking and Nigels is very good at knowing when he isn’t wanted, so he decided to fuck right off. He took a deep breath and started walking away, deciding to let the gorgeous man be and find trouble somewhere else to make up for it. I’m probably too old for him to be interested any way, he thought to himself before going outside for a smoke.
He leaned against the wall, took out the pack from a hidden pocket in his leather jacket and took out a cigarette. The lighter failed two times before he got to take a slow drag. It seemed to him like the universe was mocking him, everything nice and quiet while he couldn’t think of anything but the man still sitting at the bar. He looked up at the night sky, too cloudy to see anything other than the smoke coming out of his mouth under the wonky led club sign.
“Could you please stop smoking? I had to come out because the music was getting too loud for me and I don’t like the smell of cigarettes.”
It’s him, as if his thoughts had materialized him, the beauty at the bar was now by his side. Maybe it was his lucky night after all.
“Uh, sure, gorgeous, whatever you need, I guess.” He doesn’t know where the words come from, but he stubbed out what little is left of the cigarette and smiled softly at the man. “You don’t seem like the kind of person to come here.” He took a drink from his beer.
“Oh, yes, I don’t really like going out to clubs, but Beth said I should step out of my comfort zone and wait at least an hour before going home.”
Thank God.
“Oh really? You having a good time?”
Please say no, Nigel begged, let me get you out of here.
“The music is too loud, there’s too many people, I’ve had two more orange sodas than what I’d usually have and I’m regretting it now, so no, I’m not really having a good time.”
Nigel smiled and nodded slowly. “Sounds like those are things that you’d expect to find in a club, Angel, I don’t know how your friend thinks you’d have fun in there.” He laughed softly and was rewarded with a small frown on the boy’s face.
“Oh, Beth is my girlfriend.”
Fuck, so that’s the girl he was with.
“Worse then, she should know you wouldn’t like it.”
The kid waited a second before answering. “She just wants me to be better, I think.”
“At what? Not being yourself? She sounds like a bitch to me.”
“Please don’t call her that. She says it’s part of life, doing things you don’t like that much.” The angel shrugs, “but it's better out here, even if it’s colder.”
A small smile crept on the kid's lips and Nigel’s heart soared like it was the sun.
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” Nigel asked.
“Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. Adam Raki.” A shy hand moved forward and Nigel took it gently.
“Nigel.” They shook hands and he hesitated before letting it go, holding on just a second more.
Nigel felt the blue doe eyes all over his face until they came to rest at the star shaped scar on his forehead.
“You should pay for your drinks, you know? It’s okay if you have a tab open, but you didn’t ask for one and it’s rude to try to get away with not paying.”
“You were watching me then?” A warm laugh shook Nigel’s body. “Don’t worry about it, sweet thing, I own the club.” Adam’s cheeks turned a slight pink.
“Oh, sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about.” Nigel smirked. “You can also tell me any complaints you have, doesn’t sound like you liked it that much.”
“Yes, in that case you should probably lower the music, you can barely hold a conversation and long constant exposure to loud noise can cause hearing loss or tinnitus, even psychological stress.”
Nigel laughed and shook his head softly. “I don’t think the other patrons care about that, Angel.”
“Adam.”
“Right, Adam.” Nigel took another drink from his beer.
Both of them stayed quiet, a nervous silence among them. Adam looked at his shoes for a second before looking at the sky just as Nigel had done minutes ago.
“Do you like stars, Nigel?”
“I know a thing or two.” He shrugged and put down the bottle to the floor. “Can’t say I’ve ever given them too much thought.”
“Normally you can see some stars here at night, but with the light pollution and the clouds it’s hard to see a lot .” Adam's hands were moving softly, but constantly, touching the tip of his thumb to every fingertip; Nigel wondered if it was for the same reason that his own hands did when he needed a smoke.
“Stars here look different than what I’m used to.” He replied, looking up once again.
“Where are you from?” After almost three years the question no longer took Nigel by surprise, he found that Americans had an obsession with knowing. “Romania.” He said, with a little nostalgia seeping into his voice.
“Oh, yes, then the part of the celestial sphere, the night sky, that we see can be a little bit different, but the stars themselves aren’t. There are some that you can see here that you should also be able to see in Romania and so they should look the same if you can find them in their new spot. There are however some constellations that you might not be able to see at all, like the southern cross can’t be seen here, but can be seen in the southern hemisphere. What changes is the part of the sphere that you can see. Stars also move daily because of the earth’s translation, but tha-” Adam stopped in his tracks and Nigel raised an eyebrow. “I- I’m sorry, sometimes I get too excited talking about space and I can go on and on even when people are bored. I have autism, so it’s hard for me to know when-”
A small blush filled his cheeks and before Nigel could think about what he was doing, he placed his hand on the younger man’s shoulder and squeezed softly.
“Hey, no worries. You can talk to me about anything.”
Adam stilled before he nodded slowly, but made no effort to actually move away.
“Come on, keep going, I want to know.” He took away his hand when he saw a shy smile on Adam’s face.
God, he is so beautiful.
Nigel’s hands itched for a cigarette, but he shoved them in his pockets. He tried to keep the smile off his face, but found it impossible.
They talked the whole night, Adam stayed more than what Beth had intended, she even went home without him. Nigel was very thankful that there was nothing to be done, or that maybe Darko had decided not to bother him that night, because the moment he saw Adam start yawning while talking about telescopes and what constellations you could see on a good night in Central Park, he knew had to take him home.
They got into his car and Nigel asked for his address while Adam was still capable of giving it. He drove slowly, more careful than he had been his entire life, stretching the time they had together while the other dozed off in the passenger seat. He waited outside the building for five minutes until he gathered the strength to wake him up.
“Adam, we are here, gorgeous, you gotta go inside.” A small sound came out of Adam, he nuzzled against the car seat and Nigel had to stop himself from smiling. “Come on, up you go, Star.” It had taken him at least five more minutes to get the man to leave and as he waved at him through the car window he hoped that this would be more than just a one time thing.
Nigel suffered a whole week until he saw him again, cursing at himself for not getting Adam’s number or anything other than his address. He hated feeling like a teen again, anxious and uncertain, but he wasn’t so far gone that he would show up at Adam’s house, not with the possibility of finding him with Beth and not alone. By Friday he was almost stationary at the club's entrance, barely even looking at ID’s, trying to see if those brown curls were in line.
Adam had finally gone back to the club, exactly a week later. He let himself be dragged by Beth to another outing, way more willingly than any other time. This night, however, Darko had other plans and Nigel had to leave mid conversation to knock some sense into a drunk group of idiots that were terrorizing the bar.
“Listen, Star, I gotta go. You don’t have to wait for me, I don’t think it’ll be fast.” Adam sighed and nodded. He was obviously disappointed, which made something inside of Nigel spark a little.
“Oh, it’s okay, Nigel. I think I might go home.” He sounded so defeated Nigel couldn't help but chuckle. “It’s late and we’ve been here longer than half an hour.”
The reminder of Beth inside the club made him angry, but he tapped down the feeling. “Give me your phone” He demanded.
“What for?” Adam asked with a head tilt.
“Come on, I’ll give you my number so you can text me if you’re coming. I’ll tell Darko to fuck off, clear my schedule and what not.”
Adam handed him his phone with a shy smile and Nigel put in his phone, left the contact name empty and gave it back.
“Bye Star, gotta run.” Nigel winked at him before touching the small of Adam’s back just to go past him into the club.
Adam blushed and hesitated a second with the phone in his hands before writing the name and saving it as Nigel ⟡.
They had been texting since then, quickly moving away from the club and from the late nights. Nigel’s work hours were always changing, but Adam was usually home by five during the week and if he wasn’t with Beth, he most certainly was spending his time with Nigel. They had become friends so easily, that Nigel couldn’t understand how Adam had so few friends. He was extraordinary and so intelligent he could hear him talk for hours, he didn’t get how people didn’t take the time to get to know Adam.
Nigel was there whenever and wherever Adam needed. Even when Beth broke up with him and Darko had almost killed him for leaving the club, on Nigel’s defense the night was almost done and Darko could handle the quiet week night on his own. He knew how much the kid meant to Nigel, he loved to make fun of his young crush.
It had only taken one text and he had vanished from the club and was on his way to Adam’s house.
Star: I need you, Nigel, please come.
He knocked on the door and waited, no answer.
“Adam, it’s me, open up.”
He knocked again.
Nothing.
“Star, please.” He could hear muffled sounds coming from the apartment.
The door slowly opened and Nigel saw teary blue eyes looking back at him. He felt rage fill him, but he tried to not let it show.
“What happened, Adam?” he asked softly, pushing on the door and walking in. The curly boy looked away and shook his head, his hands softly brushing over his jeans over and over. Nigel stood in front him and held his arms open, Adam didn’t hesitate before walking into the hug.
“Are you hurt?” Adam sniffled, and tried to slow his breathing so he could speak. Not getting any answers was starting to scare Nigel, but he gently looked down at him and tried to catch Adam’s gaze while holding him tight enough to ground him and not bother him with light touches.
“Beth...” Nigel hummed to encourage Adam to keep talking.
“We- She broke up with me.” That bitch.
“Oh, baby…” Nigel hugged him tighter for a few seconds before letting go and moving away. “That’s her fucking loss.” He looked down at his watch, a little past 8pm. “Let’s sit down, have you eaten yet?” Adam shook his head again.
He knew that the younger man’s schedule was probably messed up by now, but he could try to get it back on track. He hated how Adam looked so small when he was so used to him being bubbly in his presence.
“What do you say I make you some of your mac and cheese and we watch one of those documentaries you like to show me?”
Adam nodded. “Yes, please.” He murmured.
Nigel started cooking in the kitchen while Adam watched his every move in silence.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Nigel asked softly after he had started boiling the pasta. “We don’t have to if you don’t.”
Adam hesitated, but nodded after a few seconds.
“I think it might be helpful, my Dad always said that it was good to, uh, ‘let it all out’.”
“Go ahead then, Star, I’m all ears.”
Adam hesitated, breathed in and out to calm further.
“She said I depended too much on her, to do things for me, that I was too much and-” Adam felt his eyes water up and he sniffled. Nigel felt himself grabbing the counter hard enough to turn his knuckles white. “That I wasn’t doing enough for her to feel like she was loved.”
“Star you did too much for her, she doesn’t even deserve your love.” Nigel almost growled when he spoke, he tried to not think of who he thought was actually deserving of the young man's love. “She’s been trying to change you long enough.” He turned around back to the stove, trying to hide his anger from the other man.
“I don’t know, Nigel. She… also said that I spend-” too much time talking about you.
Adam closed his mouth, as a light blush came over his cheeks. He let the silence stretch between them, grateful that Nigel wasn’t looking at him.
“Too much time with what? your space stuff?” He strained the macaroni and started adding the sauce packet.
Adam shrugged. “Maybe I forgot to tell her I liked her as much as I should have…” he answered, feeling uncomfortable with lying.
“Angel, if she truly knew you she’d know you have other ways to show that you care.”
“Maybe…”
“I know I certainly would, I mean, you do, you do show me you care..” What am I doing? He needs comfort, not an idiot coming onto him.
Adam hummed and Nigel heard him tap his fingers against the counter.
Nigel turned around with two plates of macaroni and cheese and offered one to Adam with a soft smile, who was thankful he was no longer blushing. They ate while they watched a documentary on dark holes that Nigel barely heard and didn’t even look at. He was too busy looking at Adam as he fell asleep, exhausted by the emotional night. He allowed himself to feel the anger he had tried to hide before, at how much Adam was affected by the breakup, at Beth for trying to change who he was and at himself for feeling happy that Adam was single.
For the next few days Nigel had a spring in his step, even Darko had asked him what had him so damn happy. He just was glad to no longer have to think about Beth, that bitch had been anything but a good partner to Adam, and even though his friend was sad right now, he knew it would be for the best. For both of them, even if he didn't want to start anything, pursue what he knew his heart wanted.
He can’t help but smile thinking about Adam, fuck if he would love to be something more than friends with that angel, but in this new life he’ll take what he is given and right now it’s all he has.
He has never told Adam the extent of what the club does or what he does in it. He knows he and Darko own it and that Beth and her friend like it, that’s it. Nigel hasn’t told him a word about Romania that includes the word drugs, guns, or work. Adam has never asked, he hasn’t told; just a little lie by omission. He knows about Gabi, he’s told him that he was married, that he had been in trouble, about that American fucker Charlie and that, yes, the star on his forehead is a bulletwound.
He tells himself it’s because it’s better for his Star to not know, to keep him away from danger, no chance of anyone getting their hands on him. He knows that it’s because he can’t bear what Adam might think of him if he knew how much blood there is on his hands, that he didn’t leave that life behind, that he feels alive in it.
To keep him away from it he just keeps it hidden, he takes Darko’s phone calls from the balcony or the hallway, texts as much as he can, showers before meeting with him after fights; and he even leaves his gun at the club, at home or in his car, before going, takes a small pocket knife he can tuck by his leather boots and hopes he finds no trouble even though he knows the risk is worth it.
To keep Adam Raki in his life, anything would be fucking worth it.
He doesn’t know when he started to soften so much, it’s one of the biggest changes that knowing Adam has brought to him. He used to be tough, rough around the edges; all brute force, no asking and no apologies. It’s something he still can’t wrap his head around, and even if he still isn’t anything close to gentle, he knows that after meeting Adam his first instinct is no longer to attack and ask questions later. He keeps his brute force in check with the kid and when he is working, he lets it all out in a more controlled, but in no way less strong, form.
His phone starts buzzing from his inside jacket pocket and he lights up another cigarette before picking up. It’s the one thing Adam’s presence hasn’t been able to change, though not for a lack of trying.
“Hey.” He says as he lets the smoke out of his mouth.
“I’m going to need you here tonight.” Darko sounds annoyed, but Nigel can’t bring himself to ask, he knows he won’t get an answer, so he just sighs. “Yeah, sure man.”
“I know I said I wasn’t going to bother you with stuff like this anymore, but those fuckin-”
“Hey it’s okay, I’ll be there.” Darko had told him a while ago about the meeting, some buyers that wanted to meet both of them or there was no deal. Nigel had no problem with meeting the fuckers, but Darko wanted to keep him away from this side of the business if possible, take other, more disposable, men just in case. Plus, Nigel has been known for being impulsive, so it’s overall better not to take risks.
He no longer gets tremors like he used to, but he understood the need to keep anything that could damage their image hidden, even his friend had never said anything about it. Nigel would sit beside him, only speak when he couldn’t keep it in, and look menacing when he had to.
He walked to his car and took one last drag before throwing the cigarette to the ground, stepping over it and getting in. Fuck, this was bound to be a long night.
He drove fast to the warehouse, hoping to get a few minutes of silence before the idiots arrived and to get a few minutes to speak to Darko. Knock some sense into his friend, make him relax a little before actually meeting the fuckers so it could all go along with the plan.
He parks a few blocks before just in case and checks his phone as he is stepping out into the cold. Nothing from Adam, that’s good. He hopes the kid is having a good night. Usually he’d be with him, now that Beth’s out of the picture Nigel gets more time with him, but the work comes first sometimes and he can’t help but rethink if it’s as worth it as it once was. He shakes his head to get rid of his thoughts as he walks down the sidewalk and into the building. It’s no use, it’s not like he needs the money that much, but he can’t be Adam’s pet even with wishful thinking, he’d miss this too much. It’s ingrained into who he is and nothing can change that.
The warehouse feels even colder than out in the street. Nigel nods to the guards by the door and walks into one of the makeshift offices that are in the back.
“Hey, fucker.” He smiles at Darko.
“Hi, shithead.” His friend replies as he looks up from the mess of papers that cover his desk. He sighs and passes a hand through his head. “Sorry to call you in, I feel like I’m wasting our time with this, but we need the shipment and they aren’t making this easy for me.”
“You’ll have to make it up to me then.” Nigel smirks, but it only earns him a glare and a gruff from Darko.
“For making you do your job, dumbass?” Nigel laughs and it echoes around the warehouse.
“There you are, thought I'd lost you for a second.”
Darko shakes his head and scratches at his neck before sighing. “Yeah, the way this deal keeps hitting brick walls is going to kill me.”
“It’s okay, it’ll go the way it always goes, you’ll talk, I'll look threatening and they won’t be able to say no to us.”
God, Nigel wishes he had been right.
Three hours later, the problem still wasn’t resolved and both Romanians were at their wits. Alekséi and Dmitri were two annoying fuckers that wouldn’t take less than what they thought they deserved and Nigel was starting to think that maybe what they deserved was a shot to the head. Darko had proposed a five minute break in fear that Nigel would blow everything up and they had agreed.
Nigel took two cigarettes from the pack on his chest. He lit up the first one and carefully moved it to light it with the second one with the first. He took a long drag and handed one to Darko, who was pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You didn’t tell me they were fucking Russians…” Nigel murmured, angry.
“Yeah? Well, I know you enough to know you wouldn’t have come if you had known that.” Darko let out the smoke through his nose and picked it up again with his mouth.
“Why the fuck did they want me to be here if they were going to do this bullshit?”
“Fuck if I know. I need you to relax, do some blow, anything, can’t have you killing them.”
Nigel sighs, but nods. “I won’t, but if they keep fucking with us, I’ll fuck them up.” He feels his phone buzz in his pocket, but checks the time on his watch instead of answering. Two minutes more, enough time for another cigarette. He lights up a new one with the old one and tosses the latter on the floor.
He hopes this will end soon, but has no better plans for the rest of the night. He actually wouldn’t mind a little bit of trouble if it meant this deal could go faster and he and Darko can fuck off to have a drink or maybe Adam will text him. He keeps up the fantasy in his head that the kid actually wants Nigel to come over all the time, even if he knows he more often than not needs his space or whatever. He likes to think Adam would say they are friends, even best friends. He shakes his head, he’s so far over that he’ll gladly take being Adam’s best friend. If it’s all he gets, then he’d cherish it closely.
Sometimes he wonders if it was that shot to the head actually changed him this much; if there’s another world where he just got to New York on his own, met Adam and changed because of the power that the beautiful man seems to hold over him; if he would have fallen in love this much, even when he was terrorizing Romania. To be honest, he had always gone crazy with love, he knows that there’s darkness in him, anger that has never really gone away since he was a child, but maybe if he had met Adam when he was clean, he would have never gotten into this crazy business. Then again, Adam was probably not even alive when he started flirting with danger.
“Nigel! We're going back in.” Darko shouts from somewhere behind him.
He grunts back as he steps on the remains of his cigarette. His phone buzzes again and he takes it out.
Star: Nigel, can you come?
Star: I need you.
Nigel’s heart gets caught in his throat. He hesitates to reply before Darko shouts at him again.
“Nigel, come on, get the fuck here.”
Nigel spins around instantly, phone still in his hands.
“I gotta go.” He mumbles, but Darko grabs him by the arm.
“No, you don’t get to, fucker.” He growls in Nigels ear. “Not again. The second we are done with this shit, you can go play house, I need you to do this now. ”
“Fuck you.”
“You wish. Put that energy into the deal.” Darko steps off to hold off the Russian couple a little bit longer, glaring one last time at Nigel.
He passes a hand through his hair and over his head, but nods. He debates if he should ask what the problem is, but he fears if he knows he would bolt out of this place.
Nigel ⟡: I can’t leave right now, but I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay angel?
“Nigel? You coming?” He nods and pockets the phone.
“Right away.”
He hopes to God this fucking Russians know better than to keep this up.
The room is thick with heat. There’s a couple of bottles of vodka on the desk and a few small bags scattered around with different amounts of cocaine in them. Nigel’s phone has buzzed two times more in the last 30 minutes, his hands are itching to pick it up, but Darko is finally getting these men on their side, so he has to keep his composure.
“Everything looks good, then.” Darko says, slow and calm, pushing a paper with some scribbled numbers to the other side of the desk where Alekséi and Dmitri are sitting.
“Hmmm…” Alekséi doesn’t look convinced, Dmitri doesn’t even bother reading the paper, he takes a swing from the nearest bottle and shakes his head.
“Нет. No .” Darko holds his breath instead of doing what he actually wants to do.
“What’s the problem now?” He almost growls.
“We should get all the profits in the lower east side, none of your guys will do the selling.” Dmitri says with a shrug, he locks eyes with Nigel and the Romanian has to hold the chair he is sitting in so he doesn’t jump him.
“But we are taking the shipment there, what you pay your distributors is not our fucking problem.” Darko replies after a minute. “If you want us to do more than deliver it to you then we’ll have to take more.”
“If you take more then there’s нет сделки no deal . We are taking the risk on the import, you’re just doing it on the ground.” Alekséi looks straight into Darko’s eyes, but looks rapidly to the side as Nigel shifts forward.
Nigel senses the shift and has to stop himself from smiling, he is just as intimidating as he used to be then, the Russians are scared.
“Our names are on the line with the import, jackass, we’re in as much risk as you are.” Nigel grumbles. He feels his phone vibrate again, he takes a deep breath.
Dmitri looks at Alekséi, they hold their gaze for a second before he grabs the paper and scribbles something.
Darko looks at Nigel with a gaze that he knows means that if what he said right now made this worse he’s getting his ass handed back to him.
The paper slips through the desk and it’s a little better, but not enough for Darko, more than enough for Nigel who only wants this bullshit to end.
“What do you say we keep this, but divide the territories?” Darko asks, he knows half the battle is won by now.
The next half hour is spent trying to divide New york in half, Nigel only pays attention when Adam’s neighbourhood is discussed. It’s not a bad place to deal, but not the best, so he knows the Russians won’t want it if it means they can get other spots. He knows Darko won’t be happy with the trade off, but it also helps the idiots across from them feel like they are winning.
“Теперь мы пьем . Now we drink. ” Dmitri says as he shakes Darko’s hand. Nigel can’t think of a worst idea, he has to go. He should have been at Adam’s apartment ages ago.
Alekséi pours four shots with the last bottle that still has some vodka.
“You guys should probably check out the club, right Darko?” Nigel says as he takes the glass in his hand.
Darko is in no mood to babysit, but he knows how much his friend wants to leave. “Yeah, we can show you a good time.”
They clink the glasses over the middle of the table and Nigel all but inhales the liquid.
He picks up his phone from his pocket, acting nonchalant, trying to make it seem like he hasn’t been thinking about these texts for the last hour.
Star: it’s okay
Star: Please, just as soon as you can
Nigel lets out the breath he was holding, but his heart stops again at the last message.
Star: I really need you, don’t forget, please.
Nigel’s stomach drops, he should have texted something back. Adam must have taken his silence as Nigel ignoring him. Of course, the kid doesn’t know what Nigel does for a living, what else could he work on that he wouldn’t be able to answer and run to him, especially when the first texts were before his usual hours at the club.
Nigel ⟡: I’ll be there in 10 minutes, Star.
He looks up at Darko and his friend nods. “You’ll meet us there, right Nigel?” He’s giving him an out, fuck he’ll have to make it up to him later.
“Yeah, I’ll be there.” He looks back at the Russians and nods at them too.
He runs.
Why the fuck did I park so far?
He almost has no recollection of how he got to stand in front of Adam’s door. He brings his hand up to knock when he hears a small cry behind the door.
“Adam?” He is breathless, must have ran up the stairs or something, he can’t remember and he’s trying not to think too much that he doesn’t. “Are you okay?”
He tries for the doorknob, but it’s locked. He knocks softly.
“Angel, please, I need you to open the door.”
Putting his ear to the door he can hear the sound of the kid rocking back and forth. Guilt keeps piling over him. His Star has been panicking for more than an hour, he’s been fighting with some idiots over a 0.5 percentage in profits while Adam was here, alone, suffering. Fuck this .
“I’m gonna pick the lock, Star.”
He tries to hear for an answer, but fuck it, he needs to get to Adam fast. There’s no other way.
Nigel kneels to the floor, takes out his wallet and from it the small pin he keeps around for this kind of situation. He shoves into the keyhole, his quick hands work for a second before he hears enough clicks and the door opens softly.
Adam is lying on the ground, hugging his knees and rocking slowly back and forth with his back to the door. Nigel’s heart melts the second he can finally see him.
“Star?” He barely manages to close the door before hugging him from behind, applying even pressure throughout.
“Nigel.” Adam barely gets the word out, but he starts to breathe even faster.
“I’m here, it’s okay.” Nigel whispers into Adam’s hair. He keeps the rocking motion, trying to slow it down. “I got here, everything is alright.”
Nigel is trying hard to remember the last time this happened, the last time the world became too much for Adam and he had to help him out. After everything was back to normal Adam had told him what to do, how to help, he has to help, now. “I need you to breathe with me, 4 in, hold 7, out 8, come on.”
They spend a long time like that, holding and breathing together. Adam’s hands are holding onto his knees, what was once an ironclad grip is softly turning into barely a hold.
“What happened? Are you hurt?” Nigel asks when he feels like he might get an answer from his angel. He sees Adam’s phone a meter away from him, screen unlocked on their messages.
Adam hesitates, his breath picks up once more, but just slightly, enough to make Nigel hold him a little bit more tight once again.
“I talked to Beth again.” He mumbles into the space between his chest and knees.
“What?! What did that bitch say?” Nigel can’t help the way his voice sounds angry, even if he knows it doesn’t help. He can feel the rumble of his words pass through Adam’s back and chest.
“Don’t call her that, Nigel… It’s not nice.”
“Well if she doesn’t care about the damage that she does, I’m going to call her how I want to fucking call her.” He grumbles back, not feeling scolded in the slightest.
Adam doesn’t reply. Nigel wants to know what happened, he feels the jealousy and anger crawling and mixing inside his chest, but he knows that now that he’s asked, the kid needs time to answer back, so he slowly lets go of their hug and helps Adam up.
“Come on, let’s move somewhere else, I’m too old to be on the floor so long.”
Adam lets Nigel tug him onto the couch before sitting beside him.
“Are you hurt?” Nigel asks again, because this is the most important thing right now in his mind.
Adam shakes his head, not trusting his voice entirely yet.
“I’ll be right back then.” Nigel stands up, but he feels how Adam stills at his words. “I’ll get you some water.” He adds, waiting until Adam relaxes again before walking off.
Nigel steps into the kitchen and pours himself and Adam a glass of water. He drinks his in a single gulp. He doesn’t trust himself not to act like a jealous new fling about Beth, even if he really wants to, so he takes a few deep breaths and fills up his glass once again. Getting away for a minute was more for his sake than Adam’s, but he won’t think about that.
He walks back to the couch, where Adam sits, softly easing his hands over his thighs and knees.
Nigel sits down and they sit in silence for a few minutes.
“We talked again…” Adam starts, but trails off.
Nigel nods and tries not to add his own thoughts to the rest of the sentence. Did Adam want to get back to her? Did she say no? Did they fight again? Was this because Nigel couldn’t come right away or what did she say to him to affect him this much?
“I got overwhelmed. It was about you, we talked about you.”
“...me?” Nigel raises an eyebrow, his heart beats on his throat.
Adam nods. “When Beth broke up with me, she told me I had to talk to you. She called me to know if I had done it.”
“We talked, you told me what happened.” Nigel says.
“She broke up with me because…. Icouldn’tstoptalkingaboutyou .” Adam rushes the words out. It takes a minute for Nigel’s brain to catch up.
“What?” It comes out like a whisper.
“She said that I had to think about who I really wanted to be in a relationship with.”
Adam is looking at his hands intently, in between words he steals looks at Nigel’s pinup girl.
“It wasn’t her.”
Nigel is sure the world stops for a second. He must have heard wrong, cause there’s no way.
“It’s you, Nigel.”
He feels a smile crawling onto his face, but Adam won’t look at him. He hugs the man instantly, like something compels him to get close as soon as possible.
Adam takes a second before wrapping his arms around Nigel’s torso, hugging tight.
Oh.
Oh no.
Fuck no.
Nigel freezes up, there's absolutely no way Adam can’t feel his gun on the back of his right hip. He doesn’t move away, because Adam keeps holding on and he wants to absorb every possible second of affection before he leaves. How could he be so stupid? He feels a tightness other than the small man’s arms settle around his stomach and chest. Men like him don’t get second chances, he already had one; to get this lucky twice is just as impossible as his survival to the bullet to the head.
He ran here so fast that he forgot about the gun. How the fuck did he forget? It’s just his kind of luck, he thinks, that the universe would give him a trial run, a sneak peek, of what could have been if he had just stayed on the right side, if he had been good, if he deserved Adam.
All this time he’s been so careful, to let his feelings lay low, to not get crazy with love as he would have done just a few years ago. Of course this had to happen, there’s no future where he is happy, not like this at least. Adam deserves more, better.
What’s a relationship where he has to hide this from him anyway? How long would it take until guilt would overcome him? Till late nights of not knowing what Nigel was doing became one too my for his Star? This was the way it was meant to be anyway. Stubborn mutts don’t get this, Adam doesn’t deserve to be dragged down with him.
Nigel sighs, he won’t let go, but there’s nothing he can do to change this.
Adam doesn’t budge, he leans his head against Nigels chest and breathes in cigarettes and wood. He feels under his palms that the Romanian hasn’t yet relaxed into the hug and he wonders if maybe he is being too forward, it wouldn’t be the first time. Beth had told him when he was overstepping, but it might be the first time he has done so with physical contact.
Close to 5 minutes go by and Nigel keeps wondering when he’ll wake up from the dream and start the nightmare.
“Um, Nigel?” Adam murmurs from his place right beside Nigels heart. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I- I’m having a difficult time reading you right now.” He slowly lets go and Nigel can feel how the boy’s hand brushes against the gun, hyperaware, like it is his own skin he was touching.
“Yeah, sorry.” Nigel hears himself saying. He’s holding on, but with no real strength behind his hands, ready to let go the moment Adam does. Nigel takes a deep breath and holds it in.
Adam registers the words and slowly stops hugging Nigel completely, trying to look up at him,
to find anything that will help him know what the man is thinking. Nigel lets the air go and smiles softly at Adam, just waiting for him to yell at him, say something, anything, about the gun on his waist.
“Sorry?” Adam says a minute later, not really understanding. “I’m sorry.” He adds, not sure what for.
“It’s okay, angel, these things happen.” Nigel is struggling to make himself go through with what his mind has already made up. “I’m sorry too, if it’s any consolation.”
Adam’s hands go to his thighs and they start tapping slowly. Nigel hesitates, but stands up.
“You okay now?” He says, trying to sound casual, like this isn’t breaking every single piece of his heart he had left.
He grabs the glasses just to get his hands to do something, doesn’t even wait for Adam to reply before going to the kitchen.
Alone he holds onto the counter and tries to keep his eyes from watering. Of course Adam wouldn’t say anything, he’s too nice to say anything. He’d just slowly stop interacting with him, let him down slowly. Maybe he is even afraid of what Nigel could do. Nigel knows his brain is playing with him, but he still entertains the thought. Adam not texting, no late nights, no science documentaries, no more casual flirting or pet names, no conversations, Adam shying away from Nigel’s hands, flinching.
Fuck
He’s been in the kitchen too long, Adam is out there on the sofa alone. He’s come here to help and he is making it about himself. He takes a deep breath and walks out again.
Adam won’t look at him, Nigel can’t blame him. He knows he has to do this, but why does it have to be so hard? He’s supposed to feel at ease causing pain, he never hesitates, he never cares. Why is it so hard now?
“I’m sorry, Adam.” Nigel doesn’t move from where he is, doesn’t sit down again, just stands there, gathering courage to leave.
He can still feel the ghost of Adam’s hug, the pressure against the gun, the weight of it.
Adam doesn’t talk. There’s nothing else to do, Nigel thinks to himself, he has to leave before his resolve crumbles. No matter how much Adam thinks he wants this, he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what it entails, how it will feel, the danger he’ll put himself in, how even when Nigel tries his best he can’t help but hurt everything his bloody hands touch. He has to step away before he fucks up anything else.
Nigel turns around and starts walking to the door. His right hands it’s halfway to the doorknob and his left is on his pack of cigarettes when he hears Adam’s voice behind him, shaky and soft at the same time.
“N-Nigel, before you go, I just want to say that I’m sorry about how this turned out, I really like you and I thought you would have liked me back. When Beth said I couldn’t stop talking about you, we talked about how you interacted with me and came to the conclusion you might like me as well.”
Nigel looks back at him, he sees his hands shaking by his side, alternating between being tight and light tapping on his palm, and guilt starts to consume him once again.
“It’s just… You call me angel all the time and we- I thought, it meant something more, you know sometimes I don’t understand.”
Nigel feels his heart break, he is almost sure he can hear it. How can he tell Adam he is right? He briefly wonders if it would be better to just act like he’s never loved him, if maybe that would make it easier for him to get over it.
“People don’t usually understand me and how I think, much less like to spend time with me, I… I just hope we can remain friends.”
Adams eyes stare at his own shoes, his voice barely a whisper. He shallows and feels like the sound bounces around the room.
“Well they’re missing out, of course I want to still be friends with you, S-” He stops himself from saying the endearment out loud. “Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend? You are fucking extraordinary, Adam.”
Adam doesn’t reply, just gives a small millimetric shrug while keeping his eyes away from Nigel.
Nigel knows he is going to regret the words the moment they come out of him, but he has to let the kid know. The only thing worse other than Adam not wanting to be in his life is Adam thinking this is somehow his fault.
“Look, I… Adam, you’ve done nothing wrong, okay? I like you.” He would have been content with keeping it to himself for the rest of his life, but saying it out loud feels like a 2 ton weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “It’s just that… what we have, as friends, is much more likely to last.”
“You like me?” Adam doesn’t seem to register anything other than that, his eyes open as saucepans looking up at Nigel, resting on the pin up girl on his neck.
“Yes, but we can’t be together, Adam.”
Adam takes a half step towards Nigel, tilts his head slightly to the right.
“But why not?” He asks, and Nigel can hear the hopeful tone in his voice, he hesitates to answer for a second. Adam senses it and it makes his stomach drop.
“Is it because of my autism?” Only half a whisper, he doesn’t know what else it could be, but he hopes that he is mistaken.
“No!“ Nigel all but shouts, he walks back towards Adam. “No, Adam, I don’t care about that, you know I don’t.”
He tries to keep the anger out of his voice, have other people done this to him?
“Then what is it?”
Nigel freezes once again, holds his breath for a second before sighing and running a hand through his hair.
“I… I’m not a good person, Adam.” He doesn’t look at Adam, he doesn’t want to see.
“You are, Nigel.”
“I haven’t told you what I do for work, it’s more than just owning the club, Adam, I-” He shallows. “I’m a bad man, one that’s done terrible things . You felt my gun, don’t try to make it seem like you didn’t.”
“Nigel-” Adam starts, but he is instantly interrupted.
“No, Adam, you won’t like what I’ve done, what I might expose you to.”
Nigel’s eyes burn, he looks up to the ceiling to try to keep the tears at bay. Something in him just wants Adam to agree, to realise how bad of an idea this is so he can just leave, get drunk and in a fight as soon as possible. He can handle a punch, the pain of a busted lip and a black eye, he won’t be able to handle it if Adam breaks his heart.
“You deserve so much more… More than someone with this much baggage. Someone younger, with less risks, that can give you what you need. I… I don’t want you to put you in danger, Star.”
“You are a good man.” Adam says it with conviction, to Nigel it sounds like he is trying to convince himself.
“I am not, I’ve caused too much pain to be one.” Nigel shakes his head. “I’m rough, I’m bad. Even outside of my job, the love makes me fucking crazy, Adam, I don’t think I could live with myself if anyone hurt you, much less if I did. I’m not worth it.”
The words come out soft, Nigel doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up, denying himself what he wants most in the world.
“You’ve never been rough with me.” Adam says, like that explains everything. Like that means that everything is right in the world, and Nigel is worthy of everything he wants. Nigel is rough, he is mean, some would go far enough to call him evil, certainly the people he’s killed would think he is undeserving of the love he wants from Adam; but here, inside this apartment and in the eyes of his beautiful angel, Nigel is worthy.
“You took the time to get to know me, you understand me, you help me when I’m overwhelmed...”
Nigel shakes his head again, softer this time.
“Angel, that’s the bare minimum, you should fucking expect more that.”
Adam takes Nigel’s hand in his, tapping slowly over the knuckles with his thumb.
“You come when I need you, you stay when I ask.”
Adam’s hand feels so smooth under Nigel’s callused hands. His breathing picks up, he thinks of all the blood in his hands, of how much pain they have inflicted. In his head, he can see how the red starts creeping onto Adam’s hands, how it curls around his fingers and stains. He feels the overwhelming need to yank them away.
“Adam. I won’t stop doing my work. I’m not quitting.”
He takes his hand away to rip the red ribbons that tie them.
“I know.”
Nigel just wants Adam to understand, to hate him and let them go back to his safe far away pining.
“I’ve killed people.” The words rip out of his throat and ring in his ears.
“ I know. ”
A minute goes by, two, five.
Adam is holding his own hands now.
Nigel’s head is spinning.
“What?” He barely manages to get the words out.
“I know, I’ve known since the week after we met.” Adam says.
Nigel suddenly feels like an idiot, the weight of the wasted time hits him. How could he know?
“But- How? You don’t mind?” He looks into Adam’s eyes.
“You’ve never been rough with me, Nigel.” Adam repeats. He knows that he should care, Nigel knows it too, but he can’t help but feel like Nigel outweighs the bad things he has done by being kind to him. He could never care.
“I don’t want to get you in danger.”
“You haven’t.”
“Yet.”
Adam looks at Nigel’s eyes directly, as if trying to convince him and he almost does. It's so easy, getting lost in his beautiful blue eyes, Nigel doesn’t even think there could be anything greater, no better use of his time or his affections.
“If we are going to do this you have to learn how to defend yourself.” Nigel says after a second. Adam just gives a small nod. “I’ll teach you how to shoot.”
The roaring pain in the pit of his stomach disappears, instantly replaced with giddy nervousness.
Adam thinks about saying he doesn’t really like guns, but he keeps it to himself. “Okay.”
Nigel takes Adam’s hand and back in his and pulls him closer.
“Can I kiss you, Star?” He asks softly, looking down from his eyes to his lips.
Adam gives a shy nod.
“Yes.”
Before Nigel can bend down and close the distance, Adam has already crossed it and planted a kiss on his lips.
It’s a little too wet and maybe too soft, but it’s at the same time everything and nothing like Nigel would have imagined. It’s nothing like Gabi, or the girls he has kissed before, not even like the drunk kisses he has shared with other men. It feels like heaven.
He still feels undeserving, but he is not stupid, there’s no way he’s going to let this opportunity that has been presented to him go to waste. Not twice.
Nigel wraps his arms around Adam’s waist and deepens the kiss, brushing a shy tongue over the other’s lips. Adam opens his mouth and he bites Adam’s lower lip, finally lets his hands roam over the perky ass he has been dreaming about for ages now. The sounds coming out of Adams mouth edge him on, but he stops himself before going too far.
They break the kiss and stare shyly at each other. Nigel cups Adams cheek, fingers intertwining with his hair, softly stroking. For a while they stay quiet, looking at each other for a second, trying to convince themselves this had actually happened. Nigel lets out a soft laugh and hugs Adam, wrapping his arms over his shoulders and resting his chin over the other’s head.
“I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Angel.” Nigel says, and he means it, more than he has ever meant anything. He knows it’s true more than he knows his own name.
“I know, Nigel, I know.” Adam smirks, softly swaying in Nigel’s arms.
Nigel breathes in the smell of Adam’s curls and it smells like home. He can’t believe second chances are real, much less this good; but it feels right, like this it’s the way it’s been meant to be since that first lucky night at his shitty club. Every single mistake in his life is suddenly unimportant, from the day he met Gabi to remaking his life on the other side of the world, everything he has ever suffered is worth having Adam Raki in his arms, everything he has done has led him to this moment and he doesn’t regret a single thing other than trying to stop it from happening.
For the first time in almost all the life he can remember, Nigel feels like there’s nothing else he could want from the universe.