Chapter Text
Poppy was right, this party is different from the last. The environment of the Slytherin common room is much different from Hufflepuff’s. Unlike Hufflepuff, Slytherin doesn’t have ceiling high windows looking over the courtyard, instead it has a balcony that curves all the way around the château, looking over the shore of the edge of the lake. Luckily, they didn’t have to do the whole snake escape room bullshit at the door because they caught it as someone was exiting and when they realized their intention was to throw a fucking party, they let them in happily.
James had dragged Peter to go dancing along with Poppy and Minnie.
Sirius looks to his right, trying to see where Moony went. He can barely see a tuft of brown hair over all the people crowded into the room and he follows him all the way to the back tables by the stairs to the dorms.
He knocks a little on the wall before walking over and plopping right down next to Remus, who has a cig in his mouth and is sitting on the first step of the staircase.
“Hey, Moons,” He breathes out, a little too dreamily to be platonic but he’s hoping he can blame the atmosphere of the party around them.
Remus puffs the smoke out and looks over to him, a hazy look glossing over his eyes. “Hey, Stars. Are you hiding from the party again?” He asks, an amused smile ghosting his lips.
He huffs out a surprised laugh, “I think I should be asking you that. Didn’t I catch you reading To Kill A Mockingbird on the stairs during Mary’s birthday?”
Remus rolls his eyes and shrugs, “It was worth it, that book was a fucking masterpiece, and I already celebrated with her, the girls, and Peter the day before.”
He grabs the cigarette from Remus’ fingers and brings it to his lips. “Sure, sure,” Sirius drawls, rolling his eyes and puffing out a bit of smoke.
Remus does a once over of Sirius, his eyes now studying him instead of simply looking. He must find something unusual because his eyes soften into something more sorrowful, almost yearning. “Seriously, Stars, what is going on? You can talk to me, I mean I’m no James Potter, but I’m not completely useless.” And what makes Sirius finally crack, is that he looks like he means it.
He could’ve handled it if Remus was just saying to be nice, some people do that. They ask, only because they know it’s the right thing to do, but they don’t really care about the answer.
But no, of course not. Of course he has to be so infuriatingly genuine.
Really.
Fuck him for being so unbelievably nice.
And smart.
And sarcastic.
And so fucking alluring and charismatic and and and and–
Okay, Sirius needs to stop spiraling or he’s going to drive himself to be more insane than he already is.
It’s Remus’ fault really, if he wasn’t so bloody perfect Sirius wouldn’t be so hung up on something as simple as him checking in on a friend.
Friend. Right, that’s what he is to Remus, a friend. Nothing more, so he doesn’t need to be having this whole breakdown about his friend and how he wants to jump his fucking bones.
Get it together, Merlin, Sirius.
He then realizes that Remus is still waiting for his reply.
Shit.
He does his best to muster up a convincing smile, “I’m fine, Moons. Really. You don’t need to worry about me, promise.” For good measure, he holds out his pinky to Remus, who looks down at it, clearly unconvinced of Sirius’ ‘perfectly fine’ state. Still, he locks his own calloused, bony pinky with Sirius’ and holds them there. They stay like that, fingers intertwined and an easy thread of solace and a half a box of cigarettes holding them together.
He’s not sure how long it is until James finds them. He tries to drag both of them to go drinking but only manages to get Remus onboard, relenting his hold on Sirius when he promises to dance with him later.
So, for the time being, Sirius is left alone.
He inevitably gets bored out on the stairs all by himself, so he ventures to the main floor of the common room, planning to just people-watch until he finds the motivation to put back on his façade.
It seems a recurring theme of this trip is that he and his mother are more alike than he thought, proven even further now because she’s leaning against a wall by herself, looking at the scene with an awful melancholic expression. Sirius follows her gaze to where Effie was dancing on a table with James or– wait.
That’s not James.
Instead of James’ familiar whiskey brown eyes, the ones in their place were a deep dark green, and his nose is a little more hooked than James’ own is.
Monty.
It was Monty that was spinning Effie and he dipped her low, placing a kiss on her–
Oh.
Oh, shit .
Sirius, now only a step behind Walburga, clears his throat. “Um aren’t you and–”
“No one knows.” She quickly cuts him off, swirling what’s left of her drink around in her cup.
“Oh.” Sirius says, dumbstruck. Of course no one knows, it’s obvious why; discrimination against people like that is already terrible in Sirius’ own timeline, he can’t imagine what it was like twenty years ago.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She gets up off the wall and stalks over to refill her drink.
When she gets back, a scowl awfully similar to Regulus’ is engraved to her lips.
Sirius doesn’t really know how to broach the subject, so he rubs his neck awkwardly and chews the inside of bottom lip. “Um– how long have you… been together.”
He sees her gulp and exhale harshly, her eyes looking more sullen than ever. “We’re not. Together, that is. We’ve just been kinda… messing around since last March. I don’t think she… likes me like that. ” She trails off, tucking the loose bits of hair behind and blinking harshly, likely to push away the tears.
“C’mon,” He nods his head to the empty table and starts walking over, hoping for once she’ll trust him enough to follow his lead.
He hops up onto the wooden table and she does the same, before reaching straight for the vampire-vodka bottle. He stops her and replaces it with a cup of what looks to be some sort of soda. “Trust me, you’ll drink this if you don’t want to hate yourself come tomorrow morning.”
“Wouldn’t be anything new.” She shrugs and tries to wrestle him for the bottle before relenting and taking the cup of soda instead.
He pours his own cup of soda and looks pointedly at her. “Spill.”
She sighs and looks over to him, albeit a bit sluggish due to the heavy amount of alcohol surely in her system, “I don’t know where to start, honestly. We’ve been best friends for like forever. I mean, like I knew her when we were kids and we both had to go to those dreadful pureblood events and such, but we met again on the train and fate made us roommates.” She takes a sip of her soda before continuing, “I don’t know, she’s just so nice, and genuine and Merlin,” She looks up to the ceiling, shaking her head a little, “She’s beautiful. And so so lovely, so much that I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m around her half the time.” She lets out a breathless laugh, a blissful smile coming over her face as she stares up at the ceiling, seeming to be lost in a trance. Sirius knows the feeling all too well. “And I can’t have her. And that hurts, it really fucking does.”
He hums and his eyes soften a bit with her explanation sinking in, the feeling of wanting what you can’t have and admiring from afar. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
Her eyes brighten a little at his confession and her head snaps back to face him, “Yeah? What about you and that lanky guy that sorta looks like Lyall? Are you guys…”
He answers a little too quickly, not allowing himself a chance to hope for anything other than the truth. “No– no, he doesn’t– he doesn’t like me… like that.” His wavering words don’t sound the least bit convincing, but he can’t help it. Part of him doesn’t want to believe what he knows is true, instead he over analyzes every move and tries to read between the lines so hard that his eyes get blurry and he starts to hallucinate what is not there.
“But, do you like him?” She prompts, picking up on the fact that Sirius was trying ever so hard to leave out from their conversation.
“I… it’s complicated,” He resigns, exhaling solemnly and picking at the skin of his nail beds. “We’re friends and that’s enough. It has to be.” He says it more for himself than for her.
“Well, if it means anything, I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I’ve never seen friends look at other friends like that.” She bumps his shoulder with her own and gives him a small, sure smile.
He shakes his head at the ridiculousness of the thought of Remus liking him. It was a nice thought, albeit a foolish one.
He jumps off the counter and holds his hand out for her to do the same. “I think we’ve done enough of drinking our sorrows for one night, let’s go dance.”
And so they do.
They dance much like all the others surrounding them, wild and free, alcohol coursing through their veins making their hearts braver and their heads foggier. The music is, of course, not as good as the live music they had the night before, but still, Sirius can feel the rhythm of it down to his very bones.
Eventually, they get tired and breathless, so they run off, giggling and hiccuping through it all the way until they get to the grand staircase that eventually split into two, the Girls’ Dormitories on the left and the Boys’ on the right.
“Hey do you wanna go up? I think I’ve got a pack of cigs stashed away.” Her words slur a bit and she hiccups, but her eyes are as wild as his and her grin almost identical.
A little surprised by the fact that his mother smokes, he lets out a light chuckle, “Sure, I’m desperate for a smoke anyway.” He lets her guide him up the stairs, stumbling and laughter shared between the two of them.
Their dorm room is, oddly enough, very similar to Gryffindor’s. There are posters on the wall, displays of music and a record player, a vanity next to each bed, and instead of the red decoration he was familiar with, dark green and silver decorated the room.
Walburga walks over to what he assumes is her bed, fishes under the mattress and retrieves a pack of cigarettes and matches. She hands him one before grabbing one for herself, struck a match and lit both.
He takes a second to look around her corner of the dorm. Her vanity is clean, all the bottles and palettes in a neat order that reminds Sirius of Regulus. Her bed was loosely made, the covers lazily thrown together and a worn, black bunny stuffed animal lays against the pillows. A few books rest on the side table, the top one having a pen in between the pages to hold its place.
He suddenly notices the goosebumps prickling the backs of his arms and tops of his thighs.
“Fuck, it’s cold in here.” He rubs his arms, hoping to generate some warmth back into them.
She scoffs, puffing out smoke from her lips. “Yeah, that happens when your dorm is beneath a whole fucking body of water and you live in fucking Scotland during autumn.”
They sit there in silence for a bit, the only sound is their deep breathing of smoke and the muted sounds from the party down below.
It’s another minute before he decides to speak, content in just being for a second, not having to perform for anyone. “Do you know what you want to do after this?” He says eventually, his voice breaking the soft hum of silence, even though it was barely above a whisper.
“Hmm?” She slowly turns to him, her cigarette resting between her fore and second fingers.
“I just meant, like, do you have any plans after you graduate? It’s not too far off now, just barely a year and a half.”
She chuckles a bit before coughing on the smoke, “Actually, Mia and I created this whole fantasy of running off somewhere far away and becoming rock stars, far enough where we’d never be able to be tracked or anything and we’d just live. Travel, play music, live life, I dunno.”
“Are you still going to do it?” He asks, because he wants to know what she hopes for, even if he knows she’ll never get to follow through.
She shrugs and takes another drag of her cigarette. “Maybe, depends on where we are in a year and a half.”
“Well, if you end up fucking off to Canada, don’t be scared to drop by,” He jokes trying to get a laugh out of her because he’s never heard one in his own timeline that wasn’t maniacal.
She does laugh and it’s a wonderful, loud sound. It’s so different from one he’s heard so few times in his childhood, this one is pure and unashamed. It’s just as lovely even though it’s because of stupid childish joke that he didn’t quite expect to land, he loves it nonetheless. He knows it could very well be the last time he hears it, so he basks in its warmth.
She rolls her eyes with a tiny smile on her face. “Yeah, well I was thinking more like Greece, maybe Romania. Hell, I’d even go North, what d’ya think? Does Norway have a nice ring to it?”
He shrugs, “Sure, it’s as good as any. It’s cold as fuck, though.”
She shakes her head playfully, “You and the damn weather, I swear.” Her smile is still present when she places the cigarette back between her lips and takes another drag. “I just can’t wait to get away from all this.”
“What? Hogwarts?” He asks, confused.
She averts her eyes down, almost like she’s scared to admit what she says next. “No, I mean everything. The wizarding world is so shit right now, everyone is so pressed over everything, blood supremacy, homophobia, the works. I’m just so sick of it.”
Her words make him still, unmoving, like if he even breathes too harshly he’ll break this moment all will be like before .
Does she know?
Does she know that she’ll become something she once hated? That she’ll turn into something she so desperately wanted to be free from.
It makes his soul sting and throb, like a burn wound that’s touching cool air for the first time. Something so painful and unexpected, that you had no time to prepare for the worst.
She notices his silence, sitting up a little straighter, “What? What is it?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.” He tries to give her a convincing smile, but he fails miserably. The hollow of his eyes is impossible to hide. “Um– it’s getting late anyway, I think I’m just going to head back to the dorm.” He springs up from the bed a little too quickly and fiddles restlessly with the skin of his nail beds.
She sits up fully, obviously a little alarmed at his sudden wish to leave, but thankfully, she doesn’t question it. “Right– yeah, okay. Um– I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess.” She stammers, looking at him oddly, though he can’t really blame her.
“Okay, bye. Thanks for the smoke.” He calls out over his shoulder before practically fleeing down the stairs.
He’s immediately met by a bunch of people bustling and dancing around and he’s struggling to find the exit when a calloused hand wraps around his wrist.
“Hey, Stars, I‘ve been looking for you everywhere.” Remus looks down at him with that beautiful crooked Remus Grin. He must see the distress on his face, because Remus’ expression changes immediately. “What’s wrong?”
He shakes him off, “Nothing, I was just going back to the dorm.”
“Well, then I’m coming with you.” He leaves no room for argument but Sirius tries anyway.
“No, Moons, you should stay. Enjoy the party.”
“Sirius, I’m coming with you. Besides, I can’t have any fun when you’re upset.”
Sirius tries, he really does, but Remus is so adamant and he really doesn’t want to be alone right now. So, he gives in. “Fine, c’mon.”
Sirius makes his way out, squirming and zipping through the crowd while dragging Remus along behind him.
They walk in silence, the muted sounds of the party disappearing after a few moments, only the sound of their quiet breathing and their steps on the stone floor.
They’re silent when they reach the main floor and walk all the way to the dorms, it’s only when they open the door to the dorms that Remus speaks. “I’m going to go grab some water.”
Sirius doesn’t respond more than soft hum and he walks over to their bed, opens the curtains, and curls up in a criss-cross position. He stares into space, looking at nothing in particular.
Remus comes back with a glass of water that he sets on the side table and he rounds the foot of the bed and crawls up to his side of the bed. He kicks around the covers until he finds them to his liking and then gives his full attention to Sirius.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks, tentatively, like if he speaks too harshly it’ll break whatever sacred space they’ve created and all will go to hell.
Sirius sighs exasperatedly, shaking his head and biting the inside of cheek. He grabs the glass next to him and chugs about half of it, swallowing it down in one gulp.
He lets out another exhausted sigh and buries his head in his hands. “It’s all so fucked, Moons.” He feels a hand–Remus’ hand– encase his lower back and start moving in soothing, slow motions.
Remus doesn’t respond, content to just let him talk and also probably a little scared of responding wrong and scaring him off.
He lets out another shuddering breath and tries to calm his breathing. “She’s so different from how I thought she’d be.”
“Who? Walburga?” Remus asks softly.
He gives a small nod in return, his head still collapsed in his hands. His mind races, putting together all the little details he’s noticed over the last two days. How she always looks for Effie first in every room she steps in, their chemistry on stage together, how they were planning to run away to Greece together…
He sits there, quietly, while his thoughts become increasingly opposite of that. Remus does as well, but not in the same nervous-breakdown silence that Sirius is in, his is softer, unwavering and reassuring, like he’ll always be there and nothing’s going to change that.
Sirius wishes he had more of that; stability. He’s never had it, always on edge and afraid of disappointing his parents when he was a kid, to then rebelling and receiving harsh punishments in return when he got older, and now his relationship with his parents is so strained it’s practically not there. Just a single thread holding them together. Even with James, his best friend in the whole universe, he’s not completely at ease with. It’s not that being around him makes him nervous or unhappy, he’s always jumping from one thing to the next, trying to make sure James never has enough time to think about the scars on Sirius’ torso, or why he shakes after coming back to school from holiday breaks, or why he has to cast a silencing charm for the first week of school after the hols because his nightmares are so bad that he screams in his sleep.
He doesn’t want anyone to know that, of course, but he’ll be damned if it doesn’t make him long for something simpler. Something less lonely.
“All I can think about is where did things go wrong?” He whispers, quietly. His face was numb now, although he was feeling anything but. Tears that he hadn’t ever realised he shed were now sticky and dry against his skin, plastering it still.
“With your mom, you mean?” Remus asks, satisfied when he receives a nod from Sirius as a reply. “Yeah, she seems completely opposite from the stories you’ve told us.”
Sirius lets out a wet laugh, his throat hoarse. “Yeah, trust me, she’s not anything like this in our timeline.” He wipes the small amount of snot on his face with his hand and gives Remus an appreciative smile after he hands him the tissue box that used to reside on the side table.
Sirius has had enough of being tortured by his own thoughts. At least if he shares them with Remus he won’t be suffering alone anymore, he and Remus will suffer together.
Oh, joy.
“She’s just so happy, I mean, granted, she’s not James Happy but who is? She has dreams and passions and is a person. And that hurts, it really fucking does, to know that the person who’s tormented me the most is not some evil soulless monster, she’s just a person. I mean, yeah, maybe she’s terrible in my timeline and deserves nothing but filth, but she wasn’t always like that.” His voice breaks and notices the tears have started pooling over his face, his vision becomes blurry and he shoves his face in his hands once again, unwilling to let them show.
“Oh, Stars,” Is all Remus says before enveloping him in a hug, rubbing Sirius’ back as his body shakes with sobs.
They stay there like that, even after Sirius’ sobs have long since ceased, they stay intertwined together, breaths synced and neither one of them is willing to break this moment and have to make an excuse as to why they even wanted to stay like that.
******
They wake up tangled together, Sirius’ head on top of Remus’ chest and his dark hair spilling like ink over the pillows.
Sirius fucking becomes conscious and realizes he’s fucking sprawled on top of Remus’ chest.
He slowly unravels himself and goes back to his own side of the bed. He silently prays to whatever deity that will listen to not let Remus be awake.
For once, the odds are in his favor. Remus’ eyes are still sealed shut and his face peacefully resting.
For a moment, Sirius just watches him, completely entranced by the sweet freckles that dust his face and the soft pout of his lips. The scars that stream along his face like carefully routed rivers and the way his soft curls lay upon his face delicately.
Like he said, it was only a moment before his two fucking braincells clicked together and he realized he is staring like an absolute creep.
He snaps his neck away so fast he almost gets whiplash.
He fills the time by running his hands through his hair so he’s at least somewhat put together. After a few moments, he decides to crawl out of bed, moving the curtains the least he can so as not to wake Remus.
The old floors creak loudly under his steps and he winces at the sound. The bathroom light is on and he looks around to see who’s curtains are open, only to find them all securely fastened shut.
He creeps over to the bathroom and lightly knocks on the wooden door. It opens almost instantly, revealing a freshly showered James with glasses that were a bit foggier than usual.
“Hey, mate, you’re up early.” James says cheerily, wiping the steam off his glasses with the neck of his shirt.
“Yeah, I crashed early last night.” His voice is hoarse from sleep– and likely from sobbing for two hours last night.
“Oh, yeah, did you and Moony get back okay?” He asks, concern tainting his face as he walks over to his and Pete’s bed, where the latter is still fast asleep behind the curtains.
“Yeah, yeah,” He brushes him off, feigning casualness and praying to the universe that James won’t pick up on his lie. “I just got too drunk and Moony was ever the gentleman to escort me back to the dorm.”
It was a half truth at least, he was escorted by Remus if escorted meant not allowing Sirius to be alone and inviting himself along to the mental breakdown session.
“Yeah, that’s our Moony, eh?” James responds off-handedly, thankfully not noticing Sirius’ pitiful excuse.
James drops the matter altogether after that, content to just speak of whatever comes to his mind first. That’s the thing about James, he could talk to anyone about any topic, regardless if he’s knowledgeable or not on the subject. He’s a very good conversationalist, always knowing how to keep conversations going and also very considerate over whatever you had to add to the matter.
They talk until the sun rises high in the sky, peaking through the windows and walking the rest of the inhabitants of the dorm up.
Minnie wakes up first, her short, dark hair disheveled and her purple and white striped boxer shorts completely wrinkled from tossing and turning in her sleep. “What the fuck are you guys doing up?” She says, covering her yawn with hand and blinking tiredly at them.
“Oh, nothing. We’re just waiting for you guys to be up. It’s not that early y’know, it’s nearly half past ten.” James points out, glancing over at the bed behind hers– Poppy’s– which had the curtains rustling and sluggishly ripped open.
Poppy’s hair was even more tangled than Minnie’s. “I’m never drinking again.” She stumbles out of bed and barely reaches the bathroom before gagging into the toilet.
******
They decided to go down to breakfast, ‘to get food into their systems’ and all that. The six of them collapse onto the empty spot at Gryffindor table.
James got up to grab them some food for the hangover and Pete fell asleep as soon as they sat down.
Sirius looks up to find Walburga striding their way, dragging a tired Euphemia along with her. They plop down next to Pete and Effie takes a swig of his orange juice.
“Wow, you guys look like shit.” Walburga remarks, taking a bite off of her toast.
Minnie scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you challenge Monty to a drinking challenge.”
At the sound of the boy’s name, Walburga stiffens, her eyes flitting over to Effie and then back down at the table.
“Why aren’t you hungover anyway, I recall you drinking as much as the rest of us.” Poppy says, although her voice is muffled due to her head being buried in her arms which she’s using as a makeshift pillow.
“I took a potion this morning, it’ll only last until third block and I don’t have any more, sorry.” To be fair, she does look a little apologetic about it. Her gaze finds it way over to Sirius, “Hey, um, what happened last night? You kinda disappeared on me.” She says, although her true message is clear. You left me in the middle of a breakdown, what the fuck?
He squirms in his seat, feeling antsy with her sharp glare on him. “Yeah, sorry I just had something that I needed to do.” His excuse is terrible, even worse than the one he gave James. Walburga is many things, but she’s not stupid, so it’s safe to say that she doesn’t buy his excuse for a second.
“Right.” She changes the subject, turning to Poppy and Minnie, nudging the former awake. “Well, I have the plan ready if you guys want in?”
The words from a couple days ago echo in his mind
“Besides, didn’t Effie and Walburga say they were coming up with a plan and they would be too busy to go”
A plan.
A plan for what?
Well, he has no idea, but it looks like he’s about to find out.
“Hell yeah we’re in.”