Chapter Text
There is no such thing as freedom of choice, unless there is freedom to refuse. - David Hume
***
“Can you explain it to me one more time? Just to make sure I’m understanding you correctly?”
Regulus refrains from rolling his eyes but does as Evan asks of him. “We look at the total number of good person points I had when I died. From there I can go around the neighborhood performing good deeds for the residents, holding doors open for them, picking up trash, whatever it is. Then we take the points I would earn from those actions and apply them to my total. When the Judge gets here we can see what the new total is and use that as part of my case as to why I should be able to stay.”
Regulus had met with Barty the morning after their rendezvous at the lake to discuss the logistics of the idea. It isn’t Regulus’ favourite idea by any means, but it’s better than any ideas he has, which is to say, none at all. At least Barty was trying to find alternative ways to help Regulus out in case everything goes sideways in a few hours when the Judge arrives. Everyone else seemed to have one idea and stuck with it since. The more angles they have to present to the Judge, the more likely the Judge will rule in Regulus’ favour.
Evan sighs, and the look on his face tells Regulus everything he needs to know. “I just don’t see how that could work.” He says, pain laced through his voice as if it physically hurts him to say the words.
Regulus turns to look at Barty who’s standing behind him. They hadn’t told anyone else of their idea, in case Evan disapproved of it from the beginning, so it’s only the two of them standing in front of Evan’s desk just past dawn. Barty stands with his arms folded across his chest. His eyes are hooded and his expression is a mix between bored and pissed off. It can’t be easy for him to think he had such a great idea just for it to be shut down so quickly.
“I don’t think you understand the plan fully.” Barty says chidingly with a tilt of his head to show how much he hates Evan’s lack of belief in the plan. “This is a great way to show how Regulus is capable of being good. If you give us the opportunity, we can make it work. We just need you to run the numbers or we can ask Remus to do it.”
Evan slumps back into his chair, “I’m afraid it’s not as simple as that. Only the accountants keep track of the point totals. I have the number you died with Regulus and what you did to earn that total but I don’t have the ability to look up how much each action you do is worth. Even if there was some magical counter we could get that could track how your points change, there’s not enough time. We’re expecting the Judge to be here before the end of the day. You can’t commit a lifetime of good deeds in a few hours.”
Regulus rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. He gave himself far too much hope, or misplaced hope in Barty, that this was something they’d be able to do. He knew a few hours wouldn’t be enough time. He wasn’t looking to match the point totals of the people who earned their places here, but he wanted to show, through the numbers, that he could earn his spot, he could get the points.
“How long do we have?” Regulus asks.
Evan glances out the window to the outside world, “I imagine he’ll be here around sundown given how long it takes to get here from the neutral zone. We have probably twelve hours.”
There is a silence that hangs heavy in the room as thoughts begin to turn. Regulus supposes he’ll have to hope James, Peter, or Dorcas were able to find something in one of their books or through their interviews that will be able to save him. They don’t have long.
As if reading Regulus’ mind, Evan breaks the quiet, “Hope isn’t lost Regulus. I’ve been reading through the assignments you did for James’ classes and I see real potential here. You may not be able to earn points now but it’s clear how much your mind has changed through your time in the Good Place. If we show your work to the Judge, I believe he may decide in our favour.”
“What about all the other work we did? Dorcas and Peter building a case and James’ philosophy angle?” Regulus asks. He doesn’t want to sit here and accept his fate without any say in the matter. There has to be more than one way they can try and fight for him to be able to stay. He doesn’t understand how Evan could think that showing some papers he wrote could possibly sway the mind of an all-knowing judge. There’s no way that would be enough.
Evan gives a dejected smile, as if he’s already given up and has accepted Regulus’ time is over, “I have never spoken to the Judge personally, I’ve only ever seen him but he is not a forgiving man because it’s not in his nature to do so. If he finds out about all of the problems you’ve caused while here, any good acts that follow may not outweigh the bad ones. But this? These papers right here are physical proof of how your mind has changed, how you’ve grown.”
“Earning the points would also be physical proof,” Barty sneers from his corner of the room. Evan shoots him a glare.
“As I have said Barty, we don’t have time for that idiotic plan.”
Barty rolls his eyes and returns back to his silent moping after muttering something incoherent under his breath. Regulus doesn’t think any of the words were kind ones.
The tension in the room is palpable. Dejectedly, Regulus dismisses himself from Evan’s office. Barty follows behind him after a moment. Regulus briefly worries what Barty would be willing to say to Evan in Regulus' defense without Regulus around to intermediate. They don’t have time for this drama. Fighting against one another will get them nowhere. If Regulus is going to prove that he belongs here, he needs everyone on his team working together, not bickering over what the best method of absolving him of his crimes will be.
There’s only one person out there in this world that has a semblance of understanding when it comes to his situation. He doesn’t want to go to Sirius and ask for his advice on what he should do, what he should be putting his energy towards, but he does want someone who will listen without offering him solutions.
Regulus’ mind pulls in two different directions. Barty’s version of events would be the best case Regulus could possibly make, a numerical proof that Regulus has the ability to be good, and he is actively doing it. Evan’s route also leads to physical proof and it’s something they already have, but it’s nothing more than words on paper. Anyone can write a philosophical argument for something they don’t believe in, surely Evan can see that. Just because Regulus said it in an assigned essay he was given doesn’t mean he believes in any of it.
Barty and Regulus walk side by side until they reach the edge of the neighborhood center, right before the houses begin to have distance between one another. Regulus turns to Barty and says, “I need to talk with Sirius for a bit.”
Barty perks up, “Great. Let’s go.” and starts to walk towards their homes. Regulus grabs onto his hand and turns Barty around.
Regulus tells him, “I need to speak with him alone.” and Barty instantly deflates. “It has nothing to do with your idea. I just need to talk to someone who understands what I’m going through.”
Barty’s face contorts into irritation at Regulus’ words. “Understands you?” He hisses out. “He doesn’t understand you. He’s hiding away while you take the fall for everything. He may have the same status as you sure but he does not understand you.” Barty grips onto Regulus’ arm, “He has James and Remus and you all protecting him from suffering the same fate as you. As long as Evan thinks he belongs here he will never understand you.”
“And what? You do?” Regulus snaps.
“Yes!” Barty yells. Residents walking by, onlookers to their breakdowns turn their heads in search of the scream. Regulus stumbles back in confusion but doesn’t make it far due to the hand that is held firmly in place on his arm.
“What are you talking about?” Regulus asks in a whisper, somewhere between careful, confused, and irate. Barty lets go of Regulus' arm. He takes one look at their surroundings and storms off without another word.
~*~
Sirius closes the door to James' bedroom, clicking the lock behind him. James sits on his bed, his hands in his lap and a sadness overtaken him. Sirius and James are two linked creatures, always in sync with one another. When Sirius said that he needed to speak with James privately, that it was important and for James’ ears only, Sirius knew that James knew what was to come.
Sirius turns towards James and offers a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. James takes a deep breath, “Might as well get on with it. There’s no use in dragging out what you’re gonna say.”
Sirius walks over to the bed and sits. His thigh touches James’ own. Sirius lightly bumps his shoulder into James but he knows there’s nothing he can do that will save the sadness to come from this moment.
Sirius looks down at his hands and fiddles with the silver rings on his fingers, three on his left hand, two on the right. They were once part of a matching set of five others. He takes a deep breath and looks up to the ceiling that casts the morning light’s rays. If he doesn’t have to look at James maybe that would make it easier to speak. James deserves better than that, so Sirius forces himself to look towards his best friend.
“Evan said the Judge is coming before the end of the day today. I honestly don’t think the whole thing is going to take very long and if Regulus is ruled against and is sent away,” He tries to meet James’ eyes but James stares at the floor, an unwilling acceptance of Sirius’ next words, “I’m going to turn myself in.”
James doesn’t react harshly. There are no flinches in his reaction, no cries out for Sirius to say otherwise, only a deep sigh, a reassurance to Sirius that James felt that this was coming all along, and an understanding that there’s nothing he can do to change the fate Sirius has decided for himself.
James looks up and for the first time since the bedroom door was shut, looks to Sirius fully. James’ knee bounces causing a slight tremor in the bed and his hands tighten in their careful fold on his lap. He bites his lip before he speaks, “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without both of you here.” There are cracks in his voice.
“What’s one month in an eternity?” Sirius asks with a light laugh to his words, “You’ll probably forget everything about our time here in a few centuries. It will hurt at first but eventually you’ll forget us and you can be at peace.” He tries to sound reassuring, letting James know that it’s okay to forget.
James looks heartbroken by the idea, “I don’t want to forget any of this. Was it terrible and miserable? Of course it was but I love both of you and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to leave thinking I’ll forget about you.”
Sirius bites the inside of his cheek, trying to find the right words to say. “It would make it better for me if you would.” He turns towards James and tries to let his words seep into James’ mind, buried in the muddle of James’ thoughts. “I don’t want to think about you being here miserable because you can’t get two fuck ups out of your head. You’ll still have Remus and Barty, Peter, Evan and Dorcas. Care about them. Go love them.”
There’s nothing else to say on the matter. James knows why Sirius is choosing this path for himself. He can’t let his brother go again so easily. He can’t live the rest of his eternity out knowing that his brother is off suffering the consequences of a life they both lived.
“We still have the rest of today.” James says, hope laced within his words, a plea that the day may never end, that the Judge won’t ever come knocking on their door and rip them apart.
Sirius shakes his head slowly, “This is me saying goodbye now.”
Again, James’ constraint at remaining put together breaks. His entire face falls at the realization as to why Sirius is telling him all of this now and not later.
“I wanted to say goodbye to you privately.” Sirius explains. “I’m going to spend the rest of the day with Reggie if he’ll let me. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not giving up yet. I’m just trying to be prepared for the worst.”
James reaches forward and pulls Sirius in close. Sirius nestles his face into the crook of James’ neck, taking in the scent of his long lost brother. They hold onto each other tightly, not wanting to break the bond that has formed between the both of them, afraid that the wrong move will cause a severance. “What about all of the stuff you worked on with Barty and Evan?” James asks.
Sirius holds on tighter as he answers, “We couldn’t find anything that would work. Everyone kept saying that they were hopeful but they aren’t very good at lying. We combed through his life. It felt wrong, like an invasion of his privacy. I left him, I don’t deserve to know what he went through but now I know.” Sirius feels tears forming in his eyes and he doesn’t try to restrain them from falling, “It was so bad James. So bad.” Between deep breaths a few more cracked and broken words manage to break through his cries, “I know how he died. It was my fault.”
James grips onto Sirius’ back, a pressure deep enough to leave bruises. If the marks do come, if they bloom like ten blue and black flowers along his back he will love and cherish them because they would be the first marks ever made on his body in the name of love and care and not hate. The marks that tell a story of a man who was at one point in time loved in both the most tender and harshest ways, even if he could not keep it.
Sirius pulls back first. It is with the strength of ten thousand men that allows him to do so. James cups Sirius’ face with both hands. “I love you and I will never forget you.” He places a tender kiss on Sirius’ forehead. Sirius lets himself be loved.
“I love you too.” Sirius says. Their time together after is short lived. Sirius has places to be and people to see. He has a brother he has to try and spend every last moment with as he can and he will not waste the opportunity this time.
Sirius isn’t sure where Regulus is holding up. The neighborhood is large and expands for miles. For all he knows his brother has run off into the woods to hide out in what might be his last remaining hours. There is only one person that will know for certain where Regulus is, and it just so happens to be another person Sirius wants to say goodbye to.
Sirius walks over to his house, climbs the stairs up to his bedroom, crawls out through the window and sits on the roof. He presses his back against the cool glass. It’s just past morning, not quite yet midday, but the sun is already beating down from its place in the sky. Sirius regrets not doing this sooner, last night while the moon was shining overhead instead.
He whispers Remus’ name, letting the sound be carried by the wind into the void of space and time. He hears the faint ping and Remus is sitting next to him, so close they nearly touch. Sirius wants to reach out, to grab the man he’s been longing after from the second he arrived. He wants to hold Remus close and freeze the moment so they can experience their own pocket of eternity.
“You’re leaving.” Remus says. It is not a question but a fact. A breath of life into the concept and a displeasure at knowing it to be true.
Sirius nods his head solemnly, “I am.” He looks over to Remus, “And when did you start smooshing your words together?”
“I have noticed I change my mannerisms the more I’m around humans. Do you hate it?” Remus asks, a bit of worry finds its way into his tone. He cares what Sirius thinks, and he worries Sirius doesn’t like who he’s becoming.
Sirius smiles and reaches up, tucking a stray piece of hair blown by the faint breeze back behind Remus’ ear. “It’s human to change.” Remus looks like he wants to object, make some comment about how he’s not human, but he stays silent. “Can’t say I won’t miss it though. You’re cute when you talk all proper, but I guess I can love this version of you too.”
Remus tilts his head to the side, confusion shown throughout him, one of Sirius’ favourite looks on him. “You love me?” Remus asks.
Sirius holds back a laugh. A being that knows every fact about the world before him, unknowing that to Sirius, he is the entire universe. “I do.” He says. He’s never told anyone outside of friends that he loves them. Sirius and Neil had never said those three small words to one another. They were words to describe something bigger than what they had. He had loved Neil, but he was never in love with him. With Remus, Sirius says it with his full chest, with his entire heart and it comes easily. “I love you Remus.”
Remus reaches forward and grabs Sirius by the front of his shirt and pulls. He crashes into Sirius' mouth with his own, and Sirius moves on instinct. Remus tastes like the universe. Flowers, fruits, smoke, life, all entangled into his mouth as Sirius kisses him. Sirius pushes everything he feels for Remus into the kiss. The longing he’s felt for weeks, possibly his entire life, the thirst for more, the softness of late night conversations, the joy in the ability to be who he is entirely, the heartbreak of knowing it’s going to end.
Remus kisses him back with a hunger for all of who Sirius is and Sirius lets him take it. He will break himself down into his smallest components and feed them to Remus one by one. He will answer every question Remus has ever wanted to ask. He will tell every story Remus wants to hear. He will give Remus back his knowledge in any way he can and it is through this kiss that Sirius attempts to do it. He is a silver platter offering up himself entirely and he lets himself be picked over, taken, and devoured whole.
Remus is the first to break away. Out of breath they rest their foreheads against one another and Sirius tries to find his ways back to this world. “I still don’t have everything.” Remus says, “But I do know I am not supposed to feel towards a human what I feel for you.” Sirius takes in a sharp inhale of air. Remus lets out a small chuckle, pride in the way he can get Sirius to react seeping through him. “I love you too. I don’t think I had the ability to love before you, but from all I know, I am sure that is what this feeling is.”
Sirius feels the prickles of tears returning to his eyes. He holds onto the back of Remus’ hair, wishing that being here with Remus, hearing those words would be enough to keep him here. “I’m sorry I have to go.” Sirius whispers. “I can’t leave Reggie.”
Remus reaches up and wipes Sirius’ cheek, ridding away a tear that has fallen. “What if you didn’t have to?” He asks.
Sirius shakes his head, a small rocking against Remus’ own. He squeezes his eyes shut, “There’s no other choice. If he gets sent to the Bad Place I can’t stay. I can’t do it.”
Remus leans backwards, parting himself from Sirius. Sirius lets out a small whine from the loss of contact. Remus cradles Sirius face, gently holding onto him as if he were the most precious thing in the world, something to be cherished and handled carefully. Remus bites his bottom lip in a nervous gesture. Sirius restrains himself from pulling Remus back in, and biting the lip himself. “What would you say if I told you there was another way?”
Sirius is broken from his trance at the words. He lets out a small shake of his head, confusion overtaking him. “What do you mean?”
Remus sighs and drops his hands into his lap. Sirius reaches out and grabs one of Remus’ hands with his own, refusing to let their touches end just yet. Sirius can see the thoughts turning through Remus’ mind, a careful decision on which words to say next, “There is a place you could run to.”
Sirius feels his heart begin to beat faster, his body warming in anticipation, his lungs forget how to work properly. “Darling, what are you talking about?”
“There is a woman,” Remus says, his words precise and measured, “who lives outside of both the Bad Place and the Good Place. She lives in a neutral zone, a Medium Place. She’s the only one there but it’s possible to get to her with the train. No one from the Good or Bad Place is allowed to go there. You and Regulus could run, and you would be safe.”
It sounds too good to be true. Sirius is no stranger to the idea of running away from his problems, his sixteen year old self mastered the concept but this is outside the bounds of anything he could imagine. “Are-are you sure? This is a real thing?” He tries to not let his hopes bound out of his chest but they are fighting to break free.
Remus smiles at him and Sirius remembers Remus doesn’t have the ability to lie, not to him. If Remus says it’s real, that there is a place they can run off to, then it’s out there. They can escape and be free from the Bad Place, from the fear of not being good enough for the Good Place. Then Sirius remembers one of the best parts of this plan, there’s only one person who can operate the trains in the neighborhood. “You’d come with us?” Sirius asks, unsure of why he’s so nervous for an answer that should be obvious.
Remus leans in and kisses Sirius softly. Sirius melts into it and when Remus pulls away Sirius finds his body instinctively leaning forward. “Of course Sweetheart.” Sirius blushes at the name. He lurches forward and grabs Remus by the back of the neck, pulling him in close and kisses him deeply. He lets himself enjoy this moment for all it is, the beginning of something new, of possibilities that now feel endless, a plan to save them all.
Sirius breaks the kiss as quickly as he started it. “I have to go tell Reggie!” He yells, a smile beaming from his mouth and excitement trembling through him. He all but scrambles off the roof and into his bedroom, leaving a chuckling Remus behind.
~*~
Regulus walks around the neighborhood aimlessly, unsure of what he’s doing or where he should be going. He finds himself among trees he doesn’t recognize, far from the walking path of the forest. He wanted to find Sirius to bounce ideas off of, but after talking to Barty, he needs a moment alone to reorganize his thoughts.
Evan says he should give up on trying to be better, show how much he’s improved through pen and paper but Regulus feels deep in his gut that it won’t be enough. Regulus wishes he could borrow a bit of Evan’s confidence for himself, that he too could believe as strongly that homework assignments and essays could show the kind of person he’s become.
Then there’s Barty, who thinks the opposite and is encouraging Regulus to ignore everything Evan said, to try and better himself not through words but with numbers. It’s not even a real possibility but maybe Barty has a point, maybe there’s another way they could go about it.
Regulus grapples with his thoughts, trying to decide who he should follow. Evan, the architect of the neighborhood, with more knowledge of this world than any of them could hope to possess, or Barty, someone who has seen firsthand the way Regulus’ mind works and what lies beneath.
Despite wanting to be alone, Sirius finds Regulus all the same. He bounds behind Regulus and throws an arm over his shoulder. Glee radiates off his brother and Regulus feels the flicker of irritation already sparking within him. “Why are you so happy?” He grumbles as he throws Sirius’ arm off his shoulder.
Sirius walks beside him, putting his hands into his pockets and strolling casually as if Regulus isn’t doomed to be tortured within the coming hours. “Well little brother I am so happy because I just made out with one Remus- Oh. He doesn’t have a last name, does he?” Sirius waves his hand dismissively, “I’ll give him mine if he wants one.”
Regulus stops in his tracks, “Remus?” He asks with an arched brow.
“Yeah?” Sirius says as if Regulus is stupid for even asking, “I mean if he doesn’t want a last name he doesn’t have to have one. It would be nice though to have a full name to scold him with or something.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, and promptly slaps his brother over the head. “Idiot. I was talking about the part where you made out with him. You kept acting like you were going to keep your distance so Evan doesn’t catch you.”
Sirius rubs the back of his head but the smile never fades from his face. “Oh yeah that part.” His face melts into one of adoration. Regulus is going to be sick. He’ll aim for Sirius’ shoes. Sirius quickly snaps back into reality from whatever world he travelled to in his mind, “I told him I love him and then he kissed me and told me he loves me.”
Of all of the people Sirius could have fallen for in the neighborhood, it seems only fitting that it was the one person that is not a person. Regulus tries to feel some kind of happiness for his brother, but the threats that are looming over his head outweigh everything else. “Good for you.” Is all he manages to say, far more monotone than he intended.
Sirius steps in front of Regulus, blocking his path from moving forward. “And then after that-”
Regulus holds up his hand to stop his brother from speaking, “Please. I do not want to know.”
Sirius smirks, “Oh I think you’ll want to know this part.” Regulus is surprised his head doesn’t hurt from how much he finds his eyes rolling when he’s around Sirius. He crosses his arms against his chest and gestures to Sirius to reluctantly continue. “Afterwards he told me about a place that exists that’s not the Good Place and it’s not the Bad Place.”
Regulus’ arms drop to his side. His jaw slightly lowers and he tries to make sense of what Sirius is saying. Sirius keeps speaking, “There’s a Medium Place Reggie. Remus said he’ll take us there. The people from the Bad Place aren’t allowed to go there so we can’t be followed. We can escape.”
“No.” Regulus says, quietly, quickly. It is not an unacceptance that the Medium Place exists, but a dismissal of leaving. “I can’t go.” He looks down to the ground to avoid his brother’s confused looks.
“Why not?” Sirius asks through a crack in his voice.
“I can’t leave.” Regulus says. “I won’t go.” More resolutely. He doesn’t want to explain his answer. He doesn’t want to tell Sirius that his feet are tired from all of the running he’s done.
“We can leave. It’s your only hope.” Sirius says again, as if saying it more times will somehow convince Regulus that this is something they can actually do. “You’re free to choose what you want to do here Reggie but this is our chance. This is our way out!” Sirius sounds excited and hopeful which only angers Regulus.
“I’m not leaving!” He snaps. A bird within the trees flies away from the sound. The anger is lit profusely within him. He’s sick and tired of being told what to do. “Don’t you understand there is no freedom of choice here! Everyone keeps pushing their decisions on me. Everyone’s already decided my fate.” He says all the words he’s been thinking out loud. “Evan is telling me I was never good enough and I need to show how much I’ve grown. Barty’s telling me to ignore Evan because his idea’s best. You’re telling me to run away! I’m sick and tired of running! I’ve done it all my life and I won’t do it anymore. I won’t leave them behind to clean up the mess that I made for myself.”
Sirius takes a step back, “So that’s it then?” He says with disgust and disbelief, “You’re just giving up? Accepting your fate? Accepting that you could very well be in the Bad Place being tortured by tomorrow?”
“If you’re put at a crossroads but told one path has a cliff you must walk off, there is no choice, only the illusion of it. You don’t get to decide, the decision has already been made for you. I don’t have a choice here.” He pleads for Sirius to understand. It’s not a giving up but a toleration of what is to come, “Everyone’s already decided I’m guilty.”
Sirius reaches out to hold onto Regulus but Regulus jerks his body away, refusing to be held down. “This is how you avoid the cliff! Surpass the verdict! Come with me and Remus.”
“To what?” Regulus asks as he takes a step backwards, away from Sirius and into the forest. “To go to another unknown place and live in fear for the day they come for us? Because they will come for us. You leaving is an admission of guilt and we’ll both be fucked Sirius. That’s what we are. Fucked. There’s no escaping this.”
Sirius looks heartbroken but Regulus continues. He’s made up his mind and if he keeps speaking he may even be able to convince himself that the words are true, that he believes them. “I get that you want this to all work out and have this have some kind of happy ending but that isn’t what’s going to happen. This isn’t one of those stories you told me when we were kids where we could run off together and live out the rest of our days with smiles and rainbows. This is real fucking life and you need to stop pretending that you have any control over the things around you. I gave up a long time ago. My entire life was decided for me and now my afterlife has been more of the same. I’m done fighting it. I’m done pretending that I will ever have a say in my own fate.”
“Reggie please.” Sirius begs. There are tears in his eyes and he looks one small breeze away from toppling over, “There’s no other choice.”
Regulus stands up straighter, “There is.” He says more confidently than he feels, “The cliff.” He turns and leaves his brother behind in the forest.
~*~
James scribbles down a quote from Aristotle into his notebook. The book is nearly full with how much he has written in it. The pages are slowly falling out, ripping away from the binding. He presses his pen to the paper and finishes marking down the last few words. The cap of the pen sits in between his teeth, slowly degrading from how much he’s gnawing on it.
He’s sitting on the floor in the living room of his and Regulus’ house, with his back pressed against the couch. Everyone else is out today, working on their own ways to save Regulus. The quiet is nice, it allows for a focus James often can’t find. He toys with the pen cap with his tongue and teeth as he examines the latest page of his endless stream of notes. He’s almost there, he can feel it. Just one more book, one more concept or lesson and he’ll have the answer.
His socked foot taps against the floor, a rhythmic motion his body finds comforting. He glances around the empty room and wonders if being alone was truly the best idea. Maybe he should be spending the day with Regulus in case everything goes wrong, but nothing will go wrong if he can just find what he’s looking for. The answers are in here somewhere he just needs to look a little harder.
James is hopeful. He grew up being a hopeful kid, even if it was ripped away from him at an early age. Since arriving here, he’s found that hope doesn’t have to be bitter. It doesn’t have to lead to heartbreak and disaster, it can lead to good things. Hope has brought him to Regulus and Sirius, and it brought the brothers together even if it was through some twisted fate. Hope won’t be enough to save Regulus but James believes it may help. They can’t give up yet.
As if he can read James’ thoughts, and on some level James thinks he can, Regulus comes tumbling through the front door. He looks haggard and lost. James wants to reach out, pull Regulus close and ask him what’s wrong but that question is too big and encompasses too many things right now.
Regulus steps fully into the living room and looks over James’ display of books and notes. He lets out a huff of air and then takes a seat next to James. He sits closely, very closely. Their bodies pressed firmly next to one another. James goes tense, not sure how he should react or if he should say anything. Regulus rests his head on James’ shoulder, and James relaxes. James presses his cheek to the top of Regulus’ head and he notices that his leg has stopped shaking.
“I’m so tired James.” Regulus says, the defeat clear in his voice. James gets it. It’s not a tiredness that can be fixed by any amount of sleep but one that’s deeper. So much has been happening in the past few days that if they could just pause the world for a few moments to catch their breaths it would be so much easier to make it to the end.
James looks down and makes a definitive decision. He reaches for Regulus’ hand and holds onto it with his own, squeezing it once tightly to show he’s here. Regulus returns the gesture, and James finds himself hiding his smile into Regulus’ hair.
“I talked with Evan and Barty today.” Regulus says, and James tunes in not just because he realizes what Regulus is about to say is important but because he can’t help but want to hear everything Regulus deems worthy to share. “Barty had this grand idea to show that I belong by having me earn points to help the case. We took it to Evan and he basically laughed us out of there saying how it wouldn’t work. Then Evan tells me that I just need to show my homework assignments to this judge guy and everything will be fine.”
James idly rubs circles into the back of Regulus’ hand, trying to ease away all that’s going on in Regulus’ mind. “You don’t believe him?” James asks.
Regulus snorts causing his head to push into James’ cheek, “Not for a second. It seems like everyone is trying to make decisions for me. They’re all telling me what the best way to go about it is and I know everyone means well but it’s just- well it’s a lot.”
“Well what is it you want?” James asks. Regulus slowly pulls away from James’ side to look at him. Worried that he’s said something wrong, James’ eyes widen and he stops breathing in the hope that somehow that will fix whatever mistake he’s just made.
“No one’s asked me that.” Regulus says softly. James notices Regulus’ eyes drift down to his lips and James feels a flush overtaking him. “No one’s asked if I even want to stay. They keep insisting that they have the answer and keep shoving it in my face. They say that if only I did X, Y, or Z, then we’d have a clear case. That what I did on Earth and what I did here was never good enough.”
James’ heart begins to beat quickly. Worry and fear dance together inside of him. That isn’t what he meant when he asked Regulus what he wanted. He doesn’t care if it’s selfish, he doesn’t want Regulus to go, even if it’s what Regulus wants. He wants both of the Black brothers to stay here with him and help him make sense of this afterlife world. He doesn’t want to go on without them. He doesn’t know how he can.
James wants to tell Regulus that he’s close. He almost has the answer and he thinks he can find the right words before the Judge comes. He wants to say that he’s holding out hope for the both of them because it doesn’t seem like Regulus can bear any more right now.
James hides away these thoughts, refusing to voice them out loud. It’s not his place to make decisions for Regulus. It wouldn’t be right to try and force Regulus to go one way or another, when so many people are already pulling him to shreds. James stays silent. The quiet goes on with two men looking at each other, no words exchanged because there is nothing to say. Regulus slowly slinks back into James’ side.
“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” Regulus whispers. James barely hears the words but he nods in agreement. Regulus has learned and grown so much in such a short amount of time and James has felt the subtle ways that he’s changed as well, more daring and willing to take risks. “Just a few weeks ago you were saying I wasn’t worth it and now you’re practically drowning in books trying to save me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a change of mindset.”
James takes pause. It’s his turn to pull away and look at Regulus incredulously. “What are you talking about?” James asks. “I never said that.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow as if it should be obvious. “On one of our first days here when we got into that really big fight? You were yelling and mad, which is completely valid, I was being a dick, but you said ‘I won’t help you in keeping your secret. You’re not worth it.’”
James tries to think back to that day. His mind was filled with anger at Regulus for causing the trash storm, for lying and breaking promises. He was angry, sure, but that isn’t what he said, and he lets Regulus know it. “Reg I said it’s not worth it. I know it’s not much better but I never said you weren’t worth it.”
“It’s okay to admit to saying mean things James.” Regulus says gently. “You were mad. Trust me I’ve said way worse stuff when pissed off but I clearly remember it.”
“Oh.” Is all James can manage to say. Maybe he did say those cruel things to Regulus even if he doesn’t remember doing so. If he did, he didn’t mean it. It was said in a fit of rage and frustration not with belief. It’s not an excuse but it is an explanation. “I’m sorry.”
Regulus waves a hand dismissively, “I deserved it. Besides, I didn’t say it to make you feel bad or anything, just to point out how much we’ve grown.”
James replays that day in his mind, wondering how he could have said something so mean, even if it was through anger. He’s still not quite sure that he really said it when Regulus says, “You said you wanted to talk with me about something?”
James continues to rub mindless circles into the back of Regulus’ hand. He watches the way the pad of his thumb glides smoothly against Regulus’ skin. “It’s not important.” He says. Regulus has been faced with far too many opinions today. James decides to not add to the burden. He could let Regulus know what he feels, about the feeling that has been steadily growing in him for weeks. Instead he decides that he will find a way to save Regulus from the Judge and he will tell Regulus tomorrow, because they will have a tomorrow together.
They continue to sit with one another, the sides of their bodies pressed together and hands intertwined. James itches to reach forward and continue his research, he’s only a page away he can feel it, but he doesn’t want to waste this moment. If fate is not on their side, he wants to know he enjoyed one of his last moments with Regulus. He will take this moment and cherish it. As the years of eternity pass by, he won’t be forgetting Regulus or Sirius, he’ll treasure these memories for all they are, good and bad. He’ll know that he gave it everything he could, and for a brief moment, however small it may have been, he’ll know he had Regulus.
~*~
Regulus’ next stop is one he’s dreading but secretly, he’s looking forward to. This is the one person in the entire neighborhood who has yet to see the bad parts of him, and for the bad parts they have seen, they’ve embraced him wholeheartedly and never judged him.
He finds Dorcas in the conference room they had been using for the past two days. Her nose is burried in a book when he enters the room. She’s a polite and kind person so the moment Regulus walks in, she closes the book and gives him her full attention. “What brings you here?” She asks cheerfully.
Regulus walks over to a chair next to her and sits down. Not a second later, Peter walks into the room with two coffees in his hand. He smiles at Regulus and passes Dorcas one of the cups. “I would’ve gotten you one too if I had known you were coming.” Peter says, taking a sip of his drink.
“It’s alright. Not a big fan of coffee anyways.” Regulus puts his elbow on the desk and rests his head in the palm of his hand. “I came to you for honesty. Seems like suddenly everyone’s lost theirs but I was hoping yours is intact.”
That perks up Peter, who quickly takes a seat across from Regulus, folding his hands on the table, waiting for what’s next. He then seems to realize that Regulus came for Dorcas. “Oh, did you want me to leave?” He asks, pointing at the door behind him.
Regulus sighs, “No it’s fine.” He moves his hand from under his chin and rubs his temple before returning to the position and explaining. “Do you think I have a chance of convincing the Judge that I should be able to stay?”
Dorcas looks at him with pity and Regulus wonders if he came to the wrong people. This is not what he wanted. “Regulus…”
“No. None of that.” He cuts her off. “I told you I need someone who's going to be honest with me here. I don’t care if it’s harsh, I asked the question. Everyone else for some reason is emotionally invested in my well being. They know me too well to face it objectively. I don’t think anything’s going to work.” He pauses for a moment, letting Peter and Dorcas take a moment to understand what he’s asking of them. “Do you?”
Dorcas looks to Peter and him to her. They exchange a look that says they’ve already discussed this very topic. Regulus can see the conclusion that they came to, it’s written all over their faces. There’s a relief in it, of knowing that he isn’t just being self-deprecating and pessimistic. Others see it too. Everyone may have faith in him, that he’s changed enough or that he has the ability to grow as a person, but that doesn’t change what’s already happened, and it certainly doesn’t change the way the system works.
“There’s never been anything like this before.” Dorcas says, “There’s no precedent that we can work from and the papers you wrote are really good but they’re words on a page. Anyone can say that they’ve changed and write it down.” She delivers the news carefully but as a fact. She doesn’t shy away from the truth of how she feels but she is delicate with the blow. Regulus respects her for it. This is what he needed.
Regulus tells them, “Barty had this idea that I could try and earn points here. I know it’s too late now but do you think that could have worked?” He wants reassurance that it was a fool’s quest to attempt. That he was right to not follow through with his friend's plan. He doesn’t want to leave knowing that he could have done more.
Peter’s mouth turns into a regretful smile, “No, I don’t think so. Motivation is an important aspect to how the points are earned. The results are actions are important, but if the reasoning for doing so is currupt and self interested, it doesn’t count. If the only reason you were doing good things was to earn points, you wouldn’t have been given any.”
“Yeah.” Regulus taps a finger against the table. “That’s what I was thinking too. I just needed to hear it from someone else’s mouth.” He was surprised to not hear the same resoning coming from Evan when he brought up the plan with Barty earlier. As long as Regulus is trying to fight and earn his spot in the Good Place, he will never deserve it, because the only reason why he’s doing good things is so he can stay.
Regulus doesn’t want to hurt the people that have worked so hard for him in the past few days, and those like James that have been fighting for him for longer. He’s not sure if it’s because he cares about them being hurt, and doesn’t want to see them sad, or if he doesn’t want to face the feeling afterwards of guilt. He wonders if that’s selfish too. Either way, in his mind he has already made his decision of what he must do.
Regulus looks out the window and tries to estimate the time by the falling sun. It’s evening, he has only hours left, maybe minutes. He debates with himself on what to use with his remaining time. He could stay here with Dorcas and Peter, but that would feel like putting a burden on them. Forcing them to sit with him through his acceptance that everything is crumbling into dust. He could go back to James and sit next to him in silence, taking in whatever last pieces of James he’s willing to give. The more Regulus thinks about it, the more he realizes there’s one person he has to circle back to.
Before he goes, Regulus asks Dorcas and Peter one last question. It’s not fair of him to ask when they know his situation but he does anyways, “Do you think if I never turned myself in, that I could have become a good person? If I just had a little more time? I clearly wasn’t like either of you in my life on Earth and I haven’t done great things here either, but if I just had more time.”
When Dorcas looks at him, Regulus can see waves of sorrow flowing through her, and some part of him thinks that she knows what he’s going to do next. “Regulus, I think you already have.”
Regulus nods his head and leaves the room. He needs to go and find Sirius. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say but he’ll find the words when he sees his brother. He can’t leave them like this, not again. Sirius deserves to suffer but he can start after Regulus is gone. Regulus will give him that much.
He’s walking towards Sirius’ home when Barty appears seemingly out of nowhere. Regulus jumps back slightly, startled by the sudden presence. Their conversation from earlier quickly flutters through Regulus’ head and he hopes that Barty’s in a better state of mind now.
“Regulus, thank God I found you.” Barty says nearly out of breath as he grabs onto Regulus’ arm.
“Is something wrong?” Regulus asks, worried with how panicked Barty seems. He tries to remove Barty’s hand but isn’t able to loosen the firm grasp.
“I need to know what your plan is.” Barty says harshly, “How are you getting out of this?”
Regulus tries to take a step back, to put some distance between himself from his friend. “I’m not.” He says, because it is the truth. He is accepting his fate. The Judge will come at any moment and give his sentencing. Regulus was doomed from the start and he is done pretending that he is willing to continue to fight the inevitable. Barty looks at him confused, his brows furrowed and mouth slightly agape. Regulus repeats. “I’m not getting out of this Barty. I’m done.”
Barty lets go of his arm and Regulus rubs the tender spot. “What do you mean you’re not? I’ve got more ideas. Listen to me and we’ll figure this out.”
“No.” Regulus says firmly. “I’m going to go say goodbye to Sirius and then I’m going to Evan’s office to wait for the Judge.” The lie slips from his lips easily. He had almost forgotten how good he is at lying.
“Who told you to do that? Who gave you that idea?” Barty’s words come out rushed and frantic. There is an anger behind his eyes that sends a chill down Regulus’ spine. “Was it Evan? Don’t listen to him. He’s-he’s not your friend. I am. I can fix this.”
Regulus holds up his hands, trying to keep the space between himself and Barty while coaxing Barty down from his panic. “It’s okay Barty. I’ve accepted it. Go to Evan’s office. I'll be there in a bit.”
Barty looks heartbroken. Regulus wants to reach out to his friend but is fearful of the reaction he may get. Something has gotten into Barty and Regulus isn’t sure what it is, but he knows he doesn’t like it. Regulus has never seen him like this before. Is this what losing a friend can do to a person? Everyone else has been calm, sad and maybe slightly unaccepting, but calm nonetheless. There are five stages of grief and it seems Barty is getting a headstart on anger and denial.
“I’ll see you soon.” Regulus says as he walks away. He doesn’t want to leave Barty behind in such a state but he has other places he needs to be.
Regulus is at a fork in the road. There are two paths he may take but one leads to a cliff. He doesn’t belong in the Good Place, and there is no way he can win this case made against him. He appreciates all of the work that’s been done in his name, in an attempt to save him, but he knows it was for nothing, he knew it from the beginning. Time and time again he let them believe that he thought they were doing enough, but it could never be enough.
Two paths, and Regulus, with the understanding that there is no real choice here, that the choice has already been made for him, decides to flee.
It’s easy enough to find Sirius. Regulus only has to summon Remus to locate his brother. From there, explaining to Sirius that he’s giving up is simple. Sirius radiates with joy, smiling large and eyes lighting up. Regulus wishes he could feel as good about this as Sirius. No matter what he ‘decided’ to do, there were going to be consequences. This way Regulus at least has a chance. If it’s true that the Good and Bad Place are both forbidden to go to the Medium Place, he could spend the rest of his eternity hiding away, even if it’s in fear of those who might come for him.
Regulus spent his life running. He never had a say in the matter. He ran to protect himself from his family and the cruelty they could instill upon him. He ran away from the life he never wanted into one where he barely lived at all, hidden away in the shadows out of fear of what could come. He died running. He never did have a choice. All aspects of his life from the moment he was born were pre-determined. He never had a say in who he was or who he could be.
He was right when he told Sirius he would never have a say in the matters of his life. As they run together to the train station Regulus knows this is not a decision he truly got to make but one that was forced upon him. There is no other choice and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. Or maybe his legs just simply aren’t used to staying still.
There’s no one else at the platform but there is a train already waiting for them. “You called it so quick.” Sirius remarks, smiling at Remus.
Remus shakes his head no. He looks worried and the idea of Remus being worried instills panic into Regulus. Remus yanks Sirius and Regulus around the corner of the train station, out of view of the person emerging onto the platform. “That’s the Judge.” Remus whispers.
Regulus examines the being. A tall man wearing a black judge’s robe. His white beard is so long it reaches past his waist. Perched on his crooked nose are half moon glasses covering piercing blue eyes. Regulus finds himself involuntarily recoiling at the sight of the man who is supposed to hold his fate.
The Judge walks off the platform and into the neighborhood. He is only steps away into the treeline when Regulus and the others make a break for it. Together they rush onto the train's conductors compartment. Remus takes his place in front of the steering mechanism and within seconds the engine is roaring to life. A wisp of smoke becomes the only remnants of their presence at the station.
Regulus finds a seat to slump into. The day has been long and his body is tired. Regulus’s feet and legs are tired but after a life of running away from everything he almost feels at home. He nestles into the seat and tries to find comfort. He hates abandoning James, Barty, Peter and Dorcas after everything they’ve done for him but now they can stop. Now they can stop worrying about him and what he might do next. They can stop caring, and the decision has been made for them. Regulus and Sirius Black are side by side and for the first time in their lives they are running together.
Before he falls asleep he hears Sirius ask, “What’s the name of the woman whose house we’re going to? You never did say.”
Remus keeps his eyes on the tracks before him, and a small smile forms on his lips as he responds, “Mary Macdonald.”