Chapter 1: What is Troublesome
Chapter Text
It is softness to fly from what is troublesome, and such a man endures death not because it is noble, but to fly from evil. -Aristotle
***
You Are Okay.
The light green lettering is large and bold against the otherwise plain white wall. Regulus blinks and rereads it one more time, letting out a small exhale. He knows that he should feel a prickle of panic but something about the air is calming and he can’t help but feel as though the words are true. This is okay. He is okay.
The walls are bare of anything other than the green printed words. He scans other parts of the room, taking in the lively plants standing tall sitting in brown pots, one in each corner. He is sitting on the right side of a soft white couch, his hands resting on his legs. There is a small white coffee table in front of him that reaches just below his knees. He looks down to see a few coasters and coffee table books about Frank Lloyd Wright.
Somewhere behind the confines of the building he can hear birds singing in the way that signals a sunrise. The air is crisp with a hint of lavender scent, something about it makes it easier to breathe. A thought flows through him, he was always meant to end up here. Waiting for something, for some one perhaps? Waiting. Waiting…for what?
Just as he has this thought, a door on his left opens revealing a tall and thin man. He’s wearing light blue jeans with a black t-shirt. His blonde hair is perfectly styled against his dark skin and Regulus could swear he sees a sparkle alight in his blue eyes as he says, “Regulus? Come on in.”
Regulus hesitates for a moment, trying to decide if this is who he was waiting for or if he should bolt towards the nearest exit. In the end he places his hands on his knees to stand up and walks towards the door. They head into a spacious office. The plants from outside appear here as well. There is a large mahogany desk with a rolling chair placed behind it, which the man takes a seat in. Regulus takes a seat in a smaller black chair across from him.
He takes a quick look around, taking notice of pedestals with various nicknacks enshrined in glass casings. One casing contains a red bowling ball, another has a bowl filled with rubber ducks. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the objects. The calming aroma of the waiting room has left him and he begins to feel on edge. He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing here.
He continues to look around the room. If the man isn’t going to stop Regulus from admiring the eclectic sense, he’s going to use this opportunity to take in as much as he can, to try and understand what’s happening. Next to the man's desk, hanging on the wall to his right, there is a picture of a beautiful woman with white hair and piercing green eyes. She’s smiling softly and Regulus can feel her warmth through the frame.
The man quietly clears his throat to get Regulus’ attention. “So Regulus, how are you doing?”
Regulus lets his mouth turn into a smile. He puts his hands under his legs to hide the small tremble that has formed. “I’m okay. I just have a couple of questions.” The man lets out a small chuckle, folding his hands together on top of the desk and examines Regulus for a moment. Regulus takes this as a sign to continue, “Who are you? Where am I? Who is that?” He asks, pointing to the picture of the woman on the wall. “And most importantly, what the hell is going on?”
“Ah.” The man laughs again, short and ending with a warm smile. “Excellent questions. I do have to say you’re doing better than most when they first show up. My name is Evan, and I am the creator of where you are now. I am the architect of this neighborhood. As to where you are, there is debate on the actual name but simply put, you are now in the next stage of your existence. You died on Earth and now you are here. Some refer to it as the ‘afterlife’ which I guess is a fitting title.”
Regulus takes a moment to let that sink in. Him being dead would explain away a lot of the questions he had. He doesn’t remember how he died but he isn’t entirely surprised by the idea that death has already come for him. He is only twenty-seven after all, or rather was twenty-seven, and the life he lived wasn’t exactly the most timid. He’s about to ask these things and more, but Evan continues to speak.
“As to who ‘that’ is,” Evan turns his chair to look at the picture of the woman and lets out a small sigh. “That is none other than Pandora Rosier. She’s pretty famous around here. She has a gift for seeing things that are yet to come. A true oddity. We haven’t been able to fully figure out how she gained the gift but it has always been interesting to hear what she has seen. We didn’t always pay attention to her or her visions of course but after she had one about us? We couldn’t stop paying her attention if we tried.”
“What do you mean?” Regulus asks, figuring he should try to gain as much information as he can. He’s not privy to being left in the dark, about anything, and being surrounded by so many unknowns is making his skin crawl.
“She was out in the woods one day being her usual self. She spoke to nature, animals and plants, that kind of thing. It was all very typical of her, but then, all of a sudden she gets this vision unlike anything she had ever had before.” Evan’s eyes light up and his hands explode into movements as he talks. “Her vision was about the afterlife and how it works. She ended up getting almost everything correct, the closest anyone has ever come by a longshot. We couldn’t believe it! She explained what she saw to a few friends but no one believed her unfortunately.”
Evan falls into a silence, admiring the picture of Pandora, a longing behind his eyes that Regulus doesn't quite understand from what he’s just heard. He coughs slightly into his fist to regain Evan’s attention. The architect looks up as if just now remembering Regulus was in the room.
“You still haven’t fully answered my question.” Regulus says.
Evan raises an eyebrow, “Which one would that be?”
Regulus prepares himself. He tries to even his breathing as he asks the question, maybe the most important question he ever will ask. “If I’m dead and this is the afterlife, which one am I in? Is this Heaven or Hell?” He knows the kind of person he was on Earth, he knows where he belongs but if somehow, someway he managed to get by-
“It’s not what most people think it is. In its most basic form, there is a Good Place and there is a Bad Place.” That’s all it takes for Regulus’ heart to grind into his ribs as if it’s trying to escape. The pounding is relentless as time seems to slow. An eternity passes before Evan continues, “You’re in the Good Place Regulus. You are okay, you’re in the Good Place.”
He tries to not let the shock show on his face. His life on Earth was anything but peaceful, and now he has the chance to spend the rest of eternity in paradise. It’s more than he could have ever hoped for, more than he ever could have imagined. He’s earned his spot in the Good Place and although he doesn’t understand how he will let not knowing slide this one time.
***
Evan leads Regulus out of the office and into the outside world. Together they follow a white cobblestone path just wide enough for about four people to stand side by side comfortably. No one else is around as they make their way. The birds continue to chirp and Regulus can feel a slight breeze against his skin. He tilts his face towards the sky letting the sun’s rays warm him.
They pass wicker chairs in sets of twos and fours clustered around small circular tables on patios of cafes. He looks up and sees apartments with colourful balconies, the doors behind them wide open, inviting in the sunlight. Together they walk under the outreaching branches of trees with delicate red flowers in the beginning of bloom decorating each twig. Every detail encouraging people to go outside and simply enjoy what is offered.
Evan fills their walk by telling Regulus more about the area that he is going to be living in. When people die they are put into a stasis while they are assigned a “neighborhood” to live in along with 309 others. The people who are chosen to live together are done by an extremely selective and intentional system that has deemed all members compatible with one another. Each neighborhood is unique in its design in order to meet the needs and desires of all that live within. Some neighborhoods have wide open fields for farming while others are cityscapes with highrises.
The neighborhood Regulus has been assigned to, as well as his 309 neighbors, is set up as a small town surrounded by a large forest. The street they are walking down has apartments for those that prefer the joys of a simple home, with small shops and cafes placed delicately between the cluster of buildings. The farther away from the town square the more the houses are spaced apart. Slowly seeping into the woodlands. Regulus’ own home will be east and closer to the forest.
Evan tells Regulus about the large lake in the south and how refreshing a dive is on a warm day, not that it ever gets too warm here. The weather is tailored to the residents' liking, never too hot and never too cold. It will rain on the barest of occasions for a little bit of variety, but overall, the sun will shine and a few clouds will dot the sky.
He goes on about how there are a variety of amenities available for all of the neighbors to use as they’d like, but there will be more on that later. Each new point brings a new question to mind for Regulus. He stores away everything Evan tells him, repeating the facts in his mind to make sure they stick.
He’s ready to bombard Evan with more questions but before he gets the chance to, they enter the town square. The center of the square contains a large ornate water fountain, standing six feet tall and made of white stone. Regulus looks at it curiously, a tickle of familiarity in the back of his mind. He knows this fountain. It takes only a moment for him to realize it’s an exact replica of the one he had in his backyard as a kid. The sight of it is almost enough for him to not notice the, what he would have to guess, 309 people sitting on uniform chairs on the lawn surrounding the fountain.
Evan puts a hand on the small of his back and says, “Take a seat Regulus. The movie is about to start.” Evan offers a gentle pat to Regulus and gestures for him to sit in the last remaining empty seat in the front row. Tentatively Regulus takes his seat and shoots Evan one more quick glance before turning towards the front.
Evan stands next to the stage and a holographic screen comes to life out of thin air taking up the space from one end of the square to the other. On it, Evan appears, in the same outfit he has on now, smiling brightly. “Hello everyone! Welcome to your first day in the Good Place.”
“You have been brought here because you were a good person. More than good, you were amazing. Now you may be asking yourself, how do we know you were good? That’s easy! While you were on Earth every action you performed had a numerical value attached. This value was calculated based on how much good and/or bad that action spread into the universe. The ripple out effect if you will. When you die we add up all of your actions values to get your point total. Only those with the largest amount of points get to come here.”
“The best part! With you here, is your soulmate. Your perfect companion will be able to experience all of the joys of the afterlife with you! There is a lot of time awaiting you here in the afterlife so if after this presentation you have any more questions, please feel free to ask. Welcome to the Good Place.”
Only those with the largest point totals. Regulus thinks back to the life he lived, the things he did and accomplished. He takes a deep breath and looks at those surrounding him as the movie continues, talking about the different activities that will be available to the residents. Their faces are alight with kindness. They are nice, bright, and wonderful.
As he looks around there are a few people that catch his eye. A short plump man with blonde hair cut choppily short. A man with black hair with green streaks that frame his face, and a look of awe that has overtaken him. A taller man with tan skin and circular glasses who looks like he would rather be anywhere else right now. The after effects of dying Regulus guesses.
These are people that someone would trust on instinct alone. A pull in the gut that they would keep others safe, that they would do the right thing. All of these people, the best of the best, the most amazing people on Earth gathered together, and he’s among them. He has been chosen as one of the best people in the universe to exist.
Yeah, somebody definitely fucked up.
***
After the movie had finished playing, Evan informed Regulus that he was actually the last person to arrive to the neighborhood and offered to take him to his new house.
They walk east, like Evan had previously told him. They pass by neighbors getting acquainted with one another, finding shops, and acclimating themselves into their new homes. As they traverse the pathway they pass by houses less frequently, the space overtaken by smell meadows and large trees. The walk isn’t long but it’s by no means short. It takes about thirty minutes by the time they reach Regulus’ new home.
It’s a moderately sized home covered in overlapping grey stones. The front of the house contains a barren wooden porch. On the steps leading up to the porch, a ten food spiraling grey column can be found on both sides. The base of the lawn is adorned with rose bushes, fully blossomed. The willow trees surrounding his house hang their branches over his roof.
Along the walk he noticed his nearest neighbor is a quarter of a mile away, that doesn’t stop the unease he feels when he sees the front of his house has two large windows, one on either side of the door, that exposes the kitchen and living room to the outside world. Although he can’t see it due to the trees, he can hear the faint sound of water moving, a lake Evan told him he’d be living by, failing to mention that it was actually directly behind his home. Apparently there are a lot of those here.
They walk inside the home and this is the part where Regulus knows for certain that someone, somewhere, will be getting fired for their incompetence of letting him ever step foot into this neighborhood.
Evan dashes around the room in ecstasy showing Regulus the various things he’s proud of for including in the home. “And here” Evan says with excitement, admiring his creation, “here is the sunroof right above your bed! It will let the sunlight in as soon as sunrise comes. That way you can wake up with the birds, just as you like.”
Regulus nods and offers a warm smile. “No better way to start the day.”
“Oh and over here!” Evan continues, now gesturing to an entire wall of artwork on display, “A collection of paintings of dogs replacing humans in famous paintings.” He then gestures towards the adjacent wall, “And an entire map of all major and minor constellations. I read all over your file how much you love both and I thought it would be fun to incorporate it into your decor.”
Regulus tacks on the best smile he can. He tries to look appreciative but Evan is making the task extremely difficult. Not only is his stomach eating him alive with the nausea he’s experiencing, but the ‘art’ is appalling with its lack of cohesiveness, and the general ugliness of the pieces.
He hates every part of the home. There is no way that this was a place designed specifically for him. Windows over the bed that let in light, yet Regulus has never, not once, in his entire life, purposefully and willfully, woken up with the sun. Rose bushes in the front, his wicked mother’s favourite flower that she spent more time pruning than paying attention to her own children. The decor of dogs throughout, Sirius’ favourite animal, and shown in the most atrocious way, pretending to be people. All of it is wrong.
“Now this part is really fun too.” Evan takes Regulus over to the couch and positions them both facing towards a blank wall that is thankfully not covered in portraits of stars, and pulls up a holographic screen. “Here you can view any memory from your life on Earth.” Evan swipes through the air to control the screen. A shaky video image pops up of a boat and a wide open ocean. There are other people in this memory dressed in layers of coats and fishing waders. “This one is from your marine conservation work. Helping so many of those animals in the process. You earned so many points on this trip. It was truly outstanding work what you did for the planet.”
Regulus smiles and nods. He tries to look joyful at the memory, pretending to reminisce on the things he very much did not achieve. As he continues to watch, a question comes to mind, “Evan, are any of the memories of when I died?”
Evan appears slightly startled by the question. Regulus supposes that it’s fair since most people probably don’t want to remember such a thing. “No.” He says carefully. “Since so many deaths are painful we remove all memories of a person’s end from the interface. It’s just precautionary so you don’t accidently click on it. If you’re curious as to how you died, it will come with time. It makes the transition into the afterlife easier if it’s not your first thought.”
Damn . It’s still bugging him that he can’t remember his last moments. It seems like something important that a person should be able to remember…well in a situation like this. If he had those memories maybe he could figure out what went wrong. Maybe there was someone there with him and they somehow got swapped. He shouldn’t think too hard on the matter, for now he needs to find a way to get Evan out of his house so he can properly think everything through.
Luckily a knock on the door turns Evan’s attention and Regulus is able to give himself a small reprieve from all of this smiling and pretending to be excited about dogs and sunrises. Those are things that Sirius liked and was obsessed with, not Regulus. Maybe his and Sirius’ files got mixed up somewhere. Would that mean Sirius is dead too? Regulus has pulled off a lot of scams in his life but this is by far about to take the cake. Does he have to pretend to act like his brother? He’s screwed if that’s what it comes down to.
Evan lets in the visitor from outside and in walks a tall man with messy dark hair, tan skin and a pair of circular glasses sitting on top of his nose. He’s wearing a slacks and a long sleeve button up shirt rolled up to his elbows, exposing his forearms. Regulus recognizes him from the introduction movie. He can feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up the moment they make eye contact.
“Regulus?” The man looks nervous and all Regulus can do is stare, confused as to what’s going on. “My name is James Potter and I am your soulmate.” James shifts his weight from foot to foot and Regulus realizes he should do something. What would Sirius do? He better not have to ask himself that with every interaction.
“Awesome!” He cringes at himself internally. He has never said the word awesome before and he doesn’t enjoy the way the word feels in his mouth. Regulus leans forward and envelopes James into a hug. He can feel the tension of the moment leaving James as he lets his shoulders slump and hugs Regulus back. He releases James after he can handle no more touch. Evan is still standing next to them looking giddy with happiness at the moment.
“I’ll leave you two to get to know each other a bit. I’ll probably swing by tomorrow or so to see how you’re settling in. Any other questions for right now before I go?” He looks at James and then Regulus. Regulus puts on another smile, places his arm loosely around James back and responds.
“No. I think we’re all good.”
With that Evan leaves James and Regulus alone. The moment the door closes behind him Regulus lets out a breath and rips his arm away from James. James, not seeming to notice Regulus’ distress, is still smiling and makes his way over to the couch, Regulus follows.
“Regulus, this is so exciting. I don’t even really know what to say or where to begin!” James begins to ramble, not taking a single breath between his words, “I never fell in love with anyone before. I loved my friends of course, more than anything. But falling in love? Never did that. I focused so much of my time on my friends and family and now I have the chance to fall in love and continue my studies beyond anything I ever thought was possible. It’s so overwhelming.”
This will be the moment. Regulus knows it. James doesn’t know it yet but he will shortly. Regulus must make a decision with consequences that are unknown to him. He spent a good portion of his life making poor decisions but he knew what the outcomes would be. He is cold and calculating. He doesn’t leave anything up to chance. He does what he wants because he wants to, and whoever must experience the fallout are just casualties of the cause. He was only ever able to truly trust one person and look where that got him.
The thing is, if he tells James the truth, there are realistically two possibilities. One, James will immediately go to Evan and expose Regulus for who he truly is. Or two, he decides to help Regulus in concealing his secret for all of the rest of time. It’s a big ask and would take a lot of trust in someone he knows nothing about besides their name and that they have poor eyesight.
The alternative however is that he finds some way to do this on his own. This would be the most optimal as he has done everything on his own since he was fifteen but this is a deception on a scale that is unimaginable. He just doesn’t know if he can do it on his own. He would have to see threats from all sides. If this James is supposedly as good of a person as the system has decided, he would be able to gain the trust of all the other neighbors more easily and make sure no one suspects Regulus.
A good liar can figure out a good plan on his own, but a better one knows when to ask for help to sell the ruse. He has to take the chance. He hates every bit of it, and there seems to be about a fifty-fifty chance he’ll regret it in the end, but it's the best he’s got.
“James, you would never hurt me right?” He’s always been good with guilt trips and going right for the jugular seems as good a place as any to start. James leans back quickly and moves his whole body further away from Regulus, as if distance will save him from whatever else Regulus is about to say.
“Absolutely not. I would never hurt you. For any reason. Ever.” He doesn’t sound offended, more concerned that Regulus even had to ask in the first place. Regulus briefly wonders what’s going through James’ mind at this moment. Is he scared? Worried? Should Regulus even be doing this? He already started the conversation and it’s not too late to back out now. He could save this if he needs to retreat. Something in his mind tells him to push, to test the waters a little further before deciding.
“Not just physically hurt me but emotionally too? Like if I were to tell you a secret then you’d keep it to make sure no one ever hurts me because of it?” He asks with tenderness in his voice. James leans in a little closer and returns his hand near Regulus on the couch, testing the waters. “When you’re with me you will always be safe.” James says, “That includes your secrets. If you ask me not to tell people something it will be safe with me. On Earth I always kept my friends' secrets extremely close, and you and I? We’re soulmates.” James smiles and Regulus knows he’s making the right choice, “I promise you Regulus, you’re safe with me.”
Regulus closes his eyes and breathes out once, then twice. With one final breath he releases the words. If he says them fast enough surely they won’t have as great of an impact. “Great because I don’t actually belong here.”
Behind his glasses James’ eyes grow, his mouth slightly agape before he goes to speak. Regulus quickly cuts him off, “I don’t mean in that imposter syndrome bullshit way, I mean I was not a good person.” He points over to the wall of pictures, “Those are the ugliest paintings I have ever seen in my life. I couldn’t give a fuck about constellations.” He gestures to the bed covered in rays of midday sunlight, “I hate waking up early.” He makes sure to look directly into James’ ever growing eyes as he finishes, “They messed up big and I don’t belong here.”
James gulps, “Are you sure?” He asks like a plea for Regulus to be wrong, “I mean this could easily just be a design error for your house.” Regulus can see the cogs in James’ brain moving trying to come up with any reasonable explanation as to why this could all be happening. He’s not panicking yet which is a good starting point. Regulus sighs and gets up to turn on the holographic screen. It is still playing the memory Evan showed him earlier. James’ face scrunches as he takes in what he’s looking at. “What does this prove?”
Regulus crosses his arms across his chest, looking at the image of the open waters, then at James, face stern. He will not be embarrassed about this. “Have you ever heard of a marine biologist or conservationist or whatever it is I’m supposedly, that can’t swim?” Impossibly, James squints further trying to figure out what that has to do with the memory. The moment it clicks, James unfurls himself and takes in Regulus entirely. “Also I’m trans. Just while I’m getting things out there seems like something I should be upfront about. Checked earlier and my top surgery scars seem to have gone away but that’s it. I don’t think I’m going to have to take T anymore though so that’s nice. Don’t tell anyone else. It’s not their business.”
“Okay that’s not really important.” James blurts out and Regulus certainly never heard those words after coming out, “The much bigger thing we are currently facing is you not belonging here! I think I have to tell Evan. I’m sorry but it’s the right thing to do.” James looks apologetic, as if it really hurts him that he’s going to have to do this. What James doesn’t know is that if he goes and tells Evan, Regulus will hurt him more.
“So all that stuff you just said about not harming me or causing me pain was a lie? That’s what it was? I didn’t take you for a liar James.” Regulus goes on the offensive. He takes a step forward even as James backs away further.
James puts his hands up, “A-a liar?! We would be lying to Evan if we don’t tell him. It’s the right thing to do!”
Regulus continues to walk forward, “What I’m hearing is that keeping your promises means nothing to you. You promised that I am safe with you, including my secrets.” He raises his voice like a scolding mother, “Do you pick and choose which lies you’re okay with telling?” He ends by crossing his arms once again, wishing he were taller so he could look down on James admonishingly. James’ back is pressed up against a wall, there is no escape for him.
Regulus thinks he could have punched James straight across the face and gotten less of a reaction than the one he’s currently having. James’ mouth hangs open, eyes wide, eyebrows hidden behind his hair they’re so high up. He tries to say something but all that comes out is a garble of sounds. “What- I- I’d never- Who are- I can’t-”
Regulus drops his arms from his chest and slowly lifts them defending his actions, “I’m just saying. If Evan asks you directly, you can tell him, but if he doesn’t then you’re not lying. Going to him however and ratting me out would be a lie on your promise to keep me safe.”
Giving a person whiplash from his outbursts is one of Regulus’ specialities and it’s not one he’s afraid to use. This however is not Regulus’ ideal situation but he thinks it's the only compromise he can come up with in the heat of the moment. Later on he’ll have to figure out a way to get James to agree to lying to Evan if he is ever asked directly about Regulus. James takes in this point of view and slowly gives a nod.
“I need- I need to think about it.” James sputters out. He takes a deep breath to recollect himself and then says, “I can’t say for sure one way or another right now. I need to go outside for a bit. Take a walk around the neighborhood or something. I won’t go to Evan this second, I can give you that much. Just give me a little bit of time to sort through this” James heads for the front door and Regulus quickly tails behind. James quirks an eyebrow, “What are you doing?”
“Oh I’m coming with you.” Regulus responds resolutely, “If you haven’t decided ‘one way or another’ on my eternal fate, I need to make sure you don’t go blabbing about me. So come on lover. I was the last one to get here so I don’t know any good spots. Where should we go?”
***
It should feel more awkward than it does. There is a tension in the air but it isn’t as thick as Regulus was initially expecting. James takes Regulus back to the town square where they find themselves at a small cafe. They take a seat at one of the round tables with two chairs on the patio, shaded by the sun from the red and yellow striped awning above. Regulus takes one look at the menu and scoffs.
“Is there a problem?” James asks, peering over his own menu.
“There’s no tea, only coffee.” A true crime of this world if he isn’t able to find a place that serves his favourite tea. Regulus throws his menu down on the table, and rests his chin on the palm of his hand. He watches people as they walk by taking in their new world. A waitress approaches them and asks if they’re ready. James orders some coffee, which by the name of it Regulus has to assume contains more sugar than any person should consume in a single drink, while he gets water himself. Before the waitress goes James orders himself a croissant to go with his drink.
When the waitress returns Regulus is provided a paper straw with his glass, which he leaves off to the side, not wanting to deal with the inevitable decay of the paper in his drink. James takes a few sips of his own concoction and a bite of his pastry before examining Regulus again. Regulus straightens himself out and looks back at James. If being scrutinized is what it takes to earn James’ favour, he’ll pay that small price.
James takes a look around to make sure no one can overhear them before leaning in closer. “What if it’s a test? Like if you tell Evan, you pass the test and get to stay?” James’ voice says he doesn’t believe it much himself. Regulus can respect him for trying but there is a time when the simplest answer is the right one, now would be one of those times.
He had thought about that idea already, not that he had much time to work through all of the parts but it had crossed his mind. If this were a test of some kind, it would mean this is something he could pass or fail. Regulus doesn’t do failure. He lets James know just as much.
“Even if that were true I’d be risking getting sent to the Bad Place. Where I would be tortured forever.” Regulus sighs and takes a sip of his water before continuing, “I’ve thought of every other possible solution or way as to how this happened. Evan called me Regulus. He knows my name but he doesn’t have all of the details right. I honestly don’t think I’m here in place of someone else, it was just an error as to where I ended up. All I do know for certain is that I don’t know what would be waiting for me down there and I don’t want to find out.”
James leans back in his chair, considering. After only a moment he sits up quickly, and snaps his fingers, his eyes alight. “Of course you don’t! We need to ask someone about the Bad Place.”
Regulus rubs his temples, a headache already starting to form from the man in front of him, “James I am not going to Eva-”
“Remus!” James yells.
“Hello.” Regulus jolts back in his chair as a man appears standing before James and himself. He’s lanky and the tallest person he’s seen so far, wearing a wool jumper and dark jeans. There is a light scar tracing a path from the left of his nose to the underside of his right eye. His sandy brown hair sits messily on top of his head. His hands are folded behind his back as he stands. The man looks down between James and Regulus before saying, “How can I help you?”
“Who the fuck are you?” Regulus blurts out, unable to help himself from the reaction. He’s been through a lot today already, death, holographic screens, afterlifes, soulmates, being misplaced, the pinnacle of humanity and a man appearing out of thin air in front of James’ croissant wasn’t something he was anticipating seeing. In retrospect, it shouldn’t be that surprising.
“My name is Remus. I am the Afterlife Informational Assistant assigned to this neighborhood.” The man, Remus apparently, begins, “Think of me as a database for all knowledge of the universe. I am here to answer any and all questions you may have about this life or the past ones. I can not see the future as it has not happened yet but anything else I have infinite knowledge of. So, how can I help you?”
James looks at Regulus with a wide smile as if he personally created Remus himself and was proud of the work he has done. “He’s like a robot that knows everything.” James beams excitedly.
“I am not a robot, no.” Remus scrunches his face slightly, seeming perplexed as to how this thought could have possibly come to the minds of anyone. “I do not contain any machinery. I am an Afterlife Informational Assistant, here to help you with anything you may need.”
James turns his attention back to Remus and carefully asks, “Remus, what is the Bad Place like?”
Remus’ smile returns to his face, happy to have been finally given a question. “Unfortunately there are two topics I am not allowed to talk to you about and that is one of them. The other, in case you ever feel inclined to ask, is any private information on any resident.” Remus gives a short nod before asking if there is anything else he can help with. When the two men say no and thank you, it is as if Remus was never there to begin with, disappearing once again from view.
Regulus is about to turn James back to their earlier conversation when he sees Evan approaching from a side street with two others in tow. It only takes this small glance for Regulus to not be able to get any words out. It’s not possible. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not. It can’t be. This is downright cruel.
“Regulus!” Evan says excitedly, “I wanted to introduce you to your neighbors. They’re soulmates and live next door to you. Well, as next door as you can get.” Evan lets out a small chuckle, “This is Barty.” Evan gestures to the man closest to him.
He has black hair with strips of green framing his face. There are tattoos running up his arms that look to go further past where his sleeves are rolled up. His jeans are the same shade of black as his shirt. He has several silver rings along with a silver chain hanging from his neck. Regulus instantly feels an unease. Regulus is aware of the kind of energy radiating off of Barty, he’s seen it all his life, it’s money.
This isn’t about the kinds of rich that truly don’t like luxurious brands and prefer the mundane. The kind who will often get mistaken for having less than they actually do. There is a certain kind of rich, especially among those whose parents are actual rich ones, that want to be perceived as ‘regular’ or ‘ordinary’. They go through life buying less expensive brands, and handing out in ’normal’ people places in order to blend in with the crowd. No matter what they do to hide it, there is still a waft of luxury that can be found, if one knows how to look. Barty reeks of it. The way he stands. The brand of jewelry that adorns his fingers and neck. Regulus is well familiar with these kinds of people, he use to be one.
When Regulus was fifteen he would go to thrift stores and buy clothes from brands he had never heard of before but had seen local kids wearing. He’d hide the clothes from his mother in the bottom drawer of his wardrobe. He wanted to see what all the fuss was about, why Sirius was so obsessed with being ‘normal’. On special occasions he’d wear them out of the house and attempt to blend in with the crowd. The few friends he was able to make never lasted long. He could never relate to the things that they went through or struggled with. There would occasionally be some overlap in their problems but it was never large enough to justify the risk of getting caught by his mother.
As he grew older he noticed that many others from his social class did the same thing. They’d pretend to be poor, or to just have less. Some lasted longer than others, but none forever. There is no doubt in Regulus’ mind that Barty would have fit in with this crowd. Playing poor to be relatable is pathetic, something Regulus learned when he grew the fuck up.
“And this” Regulus turns his attention back to Evan, he needs no introduction to his second neighbor. He was introduced to this man the moment he was born. “Is Sirius.”
Sirius is here. He is dead, and there is a good chance that he died right around the time Regulus died as well. There was a time in Regulus’ life when he wished death on his brother but that’s something all siblings go through. He never actually meant it. Yet no matter what he wished, here Sirius is in front of him. He was always going places Regulus couldn’t follow. Sirius got into the Good Place, and Regulus doesn’t belong here. After twelve years it looks like not that much changes, even in death.
James stands up like the polite and nice person that he is to shake Barty and Sirius’ hands, saying hello and asking them how they’re enjoying their afterlife so far. Regulus stands up after a noticeable amount of hesitation to do the same. The conversation is continuing but Regulus is facing a war in his own mind. His thoughts are battling his wit. His heart is trying to flee from his body with how hard it’s beating. He aches.
Sirius’ face contorts in confusion as he looks at Regulus. Regulus looks for a sign of recognition. If there is one, he doesn’t see it. He’s changed too much since he was fifteen for Sirius to put all of the pieces together. Deep in the very crevices of who he is, he thinks there is a small part that wants Sirius to look at him and know . To see his little brother sitting before him, even if it has to be like this.
The overwhelmingly realistic part of Regulus knows that if Sirius were able to rub his two brain cells together to form a singular thought, or possibly even an idea, he would know Regulus doesn’t belong in the Good Place. After all this time, he can’t trust Sirius wouldn’t tell Evan who he really is, the kind of person he really is. Sirius is, when it comes down to it, a liability and Regulus needs to stay far away.
Regulus takes every feeling he has ever had towards Sirius, the indecision, the hatred, the love once upon a time, all of it, he imagines he can physically grab everything he has ever felt or dreamt to in regards to his brother. He yanks and pulls as they try to rip free but one thought allows him to power through it all.
He takes everything and shoves it deep into a box in his mind. He throws on locks and chains and places the box behind a closed door, sealing that too. One thought allows him to stow away one of the most important parts of himself, put on a smile that has fooled hundreds, and continue on with their conversation as if he has made no missteps throughout this interaction. One thought.
After all, he remembers now. Sirius is the reason why he’s dead.
Chapter 2: Advantage to Himself
Notes:
This chapter takes place just a few hours after the first one ended, it's still the first day of the afterlife.
Warnings:
Mentions of death/dying
Mentions of child abuse
Mentions of eating disorders
Walburga and Orion
Excess DrinkingIf you'd like to avoid the content involving child abuse and eating disorders: Stop reading at "When kids at school would talk about their parents," and you can pick back up at "James takes a step closer to Regulus" in the second scene, it's only two paragraphs.
Chapter Text
If you punish a child for being naughty, and reward him for being good, he will do right merely for the sake of the reward; and when he goes out into the world and finds that goodness is not always rewarded, nor wickedness always punished, he will grow into a man who only thinks about how he may get on in the world, and does right or wrong according as he finds advantage to himself. - Immanuel Kant
***
At this moment, Regulus is being thrown back into his childhood. Waiters fluttering around with trays of hors d'oeuvres, clinking of wine glasses, elegant conversations in which people brag about their latest accomplishments in a way where they attempt to make it seem like they aren’t actually bragging, except in this case that may actually be true, which is even more infuriating, and the dressware. At least he is adorned in a dark green three piece suit and tie rather than that damn dark purple tulle dress his mother used to make him wear.
James stands next to him in a similar getup but instead of green he’s gone for a deep blood red. They take in the scenes of the welcoming party, thrown generously in the home of Barty and Sirius. Their house reminds Regulus of his home at Grimmauld Place during holidays, if he had to guess the layout is nearly exactly the same or eerily similar. He’s surprised that Sirius’ house in the Good Place would be set up like this, but it could easily just be a coincidence. They did mess up Regulus being here; it wouldn't be insane to think that whoever makes decisions around here failed to note Sirius’ complete distaste of his childhood home.
Regulus is still debating on whether or not to tell James that Sirius is his brother. He already told James that he’s trans which eliminates the questions of why Sirius doesn’t recognize him. If he does tell James though, that adds more layers onto the reasons why James shouldn’t help Regulus conceal his identity, which, frankly, is not something Regulus can afford right now. This is just a battle he’s going to have to face on his own. It’s a big neighborhood, surely he can avoid Sirius for the rest of eternity, they could go hundreds years without ever running into each other. Not tonight though, because tonight James has taken it upon himself to meet every single person and learn their stories.
“-and they tried to give me a medal for it! I mean I understand that I saved four orphanages from that fire but really, who wouldn’t have if put in that situation? I declined of course and insisted that the money towards the metal go to rebuilding and repairs.”
“-that’s all it took really. By the end of it we had eradicated homelessness in the entire city and the work should be able to keep people under roofs for at least another fifteen years.”
James and Regulus turn towards the bar, secluded from all of the others. James takes a sip of his rum and coke, “Tell me something good you did in your life. Just anything. These people here are so amazing I can barely believe I got in. I just need something so I can feel better about helping keep your secret.”
Regulus scoffs. “After you heard all of that? There is literally nothing I could tell you that would make me seem good in comparison to Mrs. Orphanage Saviour over there or Mr. Eradicated Homelessness.”
James tilts his head down and takes a breath. He looks back up at Regulus with pleading eyes, “Please, just one thing.”
“Fine.” Regulus sits for a moment, using a stupid paper straw to stir his own drink. Seconds tick by.
“Regulus.” James says sternly.
“I’m thinking! Remus!” Remus appears next to Regulus. James is clearly shocked, probably thinking that Regulus has enlisted help on his endeavor to find one good thing he did in his time on Earth. “Can I have a plastic straw? I’m so sick of this shit.” A faint ding is heard as a single plastic straw appears in Remus’ hand. “Thank you!” Regulus throws the straw in his drink and takes the paper one to throw on the bar counter. He takes a long drink of his cocktail through his plastic straw, before continuing.
“Sorry I’m not a saviour of some kind. I’m not Mother Teresa but it’s not like I was out there murdering people on the streets or committing arson. I was just there! Getting by and doing what I had to do. I was nothing special. I wasn’t good but I don’t regret anything I’ve done. I wasn’t bad either.” Regulus looks down at the bar rail, unable to make eye contact with James.
James sighs at this response and tries again, the hope clear in his voice. “Fine. Not good then. Tell me something that you did on Earth that wasn’t bad. Not committing arson is a start but something concrete. I understand that it’s hard but you have to see this from my perspective. I’m told that I have this soulmate. I get so excited at the idea. I told you I had never fallen in love before. And I go to meet him… just to find out he doesn’t even belong here. He asks me to help him pull off this massive lie when I’ve never been comfortable with lying.”
“I get it okay. Trust me I don’t think you’re in a great position here either.” Regulus tries, “It’s not like you’ve never lied before though.”
James looks at Regulus hard. “You haven’t asked me anything about myself. That’s pretty rude you know.”
“What? What’s that got to do with anything? I’ve been kind of busy here trying to fight for my life. What’s that got to do with-”
“Ask me what my job on Earth was.” James says. Regulus is thoroughly confused. What kind of game is James playing here? Yeah, okay, fine maybe it was rude for Regulus to not figure out anything about James before springing all this information on him, but in his defence he’s trying to avoid being tortured for all of eternity! Give the guy a break. If asking James this one question will help him on his endeavor to avoid said torture though, it’s not like he’s losing much in the process.
“Fine. What was your job on Earth?”
“I was an ethics professor.” You’ve got to be fucking joking. Regulus’ jaw drops as he gapes at James. He drops his head on the table and hits it a few times, just making sure that he’s still here and this is actually happening. It’s all coming together now. James’ refusal to help Regulus, his discomfort with lying, trying to find something good or even neutral that Regulus did on Earth. James spent his life studying and teaching that very subject. Of course he’d despise everything about this! Maybe Regulus should have gotten some more intel on James before he admitted anything… Too late to back out now though. He’s got to work with what he’s got.
“Listen, my parents abused me and my brother when we were kids. He abandoned me when I was fifteen. When I was eighteen I left and never looked back. They tried to keep me around and promised me a large inheritance if I stayed and did as they asked. They were bad people, but I said no. I didn’t care about the money, I didn’t care about them or their fucked up ways. There, it wasn’t good but it wasn’t bad either.” James looks relieved. He places his hand on top of Regulus’ and whispers a quiet ‘thank you’.
Telling James about his parents was never part of the plan but this is something Regulus knows is going to come with a lot of speed bumps. There are going to be situations he can’t see coming from all angles, but that’s why he needs James on his side. To help him see the unknown and protect his secret from Evan. He didn’t mention Sirius by name, he needs to keep that to himself for right now, but he was honest and gave away a tiny part of himself. It was the most basic thing he could do and truthfully, it was the only thing he could think of.
Deciding to not take that money when his parents offered it to him was extremely difficult. What made it easier was realizing his parents were in amazing health for their age, he would have been under their thumb for a long time before he was free of them. Even when they did pass, he would have had the constant reminder of the price he paid to get his inheritance. Part of him knew what Sirius would have picked, and maybe that had some influence in his decision, and maybe it didn’t have anything to do with it. Either way he hopes it was enough to sway James in the way he needs.
Regulus and James are interrupted by Barty making his way over to them, thankfully lacking Sirius. His suit is completely black with a silver chain hanging from it that slips into his pants pocket. Pretentious prick.
Barty strides right up next to James and puts an arm around his shoulder, as if they had been best friends for years. “James!” He turns to Regulus and eyes him up and down, “and Regulus.” A playful smirk makes his way across Barty’s face. What is he doing? This is Sirius’ soulmate, which in itself is a disgusting thought to Regulus but is he flirting …with James? There’s going to be some serious problems if that’s right.
“Barty! It’s great to see you. It’s a lovely party you’ve thrown.” James smiles, seemingly unaware of the cloak of tension that has made its way around the two other men. Barty turns his attention back to James and gives him a glowing smile.
“Thanks mate. I really appreciate it. Turns out we have the largest house in the neighborhood so it just made sense to throw the party here. It’s pretty crazy, never imagined living in a place like this growing up. You two should come by tomorrow and we can properly get to know each other.” Regulus takes his hand that is still underneath James’ and turns it so their fingers interlock with one another. He’s playing it safe. James is his soulmate after all. He squeezes their hands once quickly to get James’ attention.
“James and I were actually going to explore the neighborhood some more tomorrow and get acquainted. Isn’t that right, lover?” James’ face glazes with a tint of red at the implication. A small hitch in his breath as he manages to get out “Yea-yeah.”
Barty looks between the two of them and removes his arm from around James. “Well some other time then. After all we do have all of eternity. Just so you know, we have multiple rec rooms with basketball courts and a football field out back for when you change your mind.” Barty doesn’t look like he has ever once played a sport and if Barty’s parents were anything like Regulus’ then he never has. James gives that same smile anyways as he nods and thanks Barty again.
With Barty gone and out of earshot Regulus slams down the rest of his drink. “He’s completely fake. This whole act is so transparent.” He rubs his forehead trying to fend off his growing headache.
James seems perplexed by this, as if he wasn’t there for the same conversation Regulus was. “What are you talking about? He was so nice. He offered to get to know us and told us about some fun stuff in his house.”
“Oh please . He was flirting with you off the bat. Which is fine by me because it’s not like anything is going to happen between you and me but he has a soulmate. He also clearly came from money but for some reason is trying to act like that’s not the case. ‘Never had anything like this growing up’. He’s a liar and a pompous ass.” Regulus states it with an air of finality as if that is all to say on the subject matter.
“Just to be clear: Your problem with him was that he was nice, and that you think he’s lying about not coming from money?” James speaks slowly as his eyebrow quirks upwards, showing how ridiculous he thinks Regulus’ points are.
“I can smell it all over him. I grew up around those kinds of people, James. He comes from some rich family but for some reason is ashamed of it. Could be who his parents are or what they did with their money or how they even got it in the first place. He goes and he hides it under tattoos, piercings, dressing down and an attitude that makes regular people think he’s just like them. At the same time he has no problem actually taking the money from his parents and spending it to fund his lifestyle. Trust me I know . I spent a lot of time around it and I tried to be that at one point but what did I do? I grew up.”
“Is it possible you’re just projecting?”
Regulus scoffs at the implication. He turns around and looks at the room at the other guests. “Absolutely not. I can tell you the truth about most of these people just by looking at them.” Maybe it’s the liquor coursing through him or the anger that people like Barty put him through but he’s had enough of playing nice for a night.
He points to a woman in a long red dress, “She can’t stand who her soulmate is. She keeps brushing him off every time he puts an arm around her or tries to hold her hand.” James goes to object, but before he can Regulus points to another person, “He would rather be anywhere else in the world right now. He hates human interaction. He’s barely talked to anyone all night.” around and around it goes. Regulus points out various other guests and the flaws as he sees them. One hates the food being served, another is drunk out of their mind, a third is jealous of the decor in the home, possibly considering taking a golden piece for himself. One after another until James finally cuts him off.
“Regulus, you should really tone it down a bit. It’s a nice party with nice people. They’re probably all just a little nervous with it being the first day and all. These people just found out this morning that they’re dead and in the afterlife . It’s not something that only takes a few hours to sink in.”
“Why not? It took me seconds to accept it.”
James rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Accepting death is different for everyone, even if it’s your own. Come on, let's get you home. You’ve had plenty to drink and I’m kind of worried you’re going to end up saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.” James grabs Regulus’ elbow and leads him over to Barty and Sirius. In his intoxicated state, this is the last place he wants to be.
“Hey Barty, Sirius. Thank you for the party, it was lovely. We’re just heading out for the night.” James turns slightly to Barty, “Thank you for the offer by the way. We’ll probably swing by in the next few days-” Regulus stops listening to the conversation. Instead, he’s trying his best to examine Sirius. It’s been twelve years since he has laid eyes on him. What’s changed with him in that time? He’s gone through a lot himself but Sirius…does he still laugh the same way? Does he still listen to rock music? Does he still look up at the stars at night and point out his own? Did he have friends who took care of him after he left? How did he die? How did he live?
Sirius is oblivious to Regulus’ questions as he looks at James and laughs along with a joke. It’s still the same loud, over the top, obnoxious kind of laugh. Regulus feels a thump on the door in his mind. It doesn’t matter. It hasn’t mattered in years. It can’t matter now. He sobers himself, stands straighter and takes in a deep breath of air through his nose. The nights nearly over and soon he’ll have James alone again and can work on convincing him of keeping his secret.
“Regulus?” He didn’t see Evan approaching the group of men until it was too late. Evan is dressed in a suit just like the others but his is a deep blue. He has a golden chain similar to Barty’s making its way from the center of his shirt into his pocket. Regulus turns to Evan and plasters on his perfectly practiced smile.
“Evan! How are you doing?”
“Oh just wonderful. I have a question for you if you don’t mind?” He nods his head off to the side away from the others. Regulus lets go of James and follows. They stand not too far away but out of earshot from other guests. “Regulus, you and I both know that you are not like everyone else here. I know this isn’t really the right time or place to mention it but I have to ask you something.”
Regulus can feel his heartbeat in his ears. Weren’t his lungs working just a moment ago? They aren’t now. He couldn’t even get through one day without getting caught? He’s practiced lying his entire life but he couldn’t manage one fucking day? What’s he supposed to do now? He can’t be sent to the Bad Place. He’s already seen what the good one has to offer and he can’t risk it. Even if it means living next to Sirius, even if it means living the rest of his eternity out constantly under surveillance and with the fear of being caught breathing down his neck until he’s choking on it. “What is it?” He can barely get the words out.
He has never been the kind of person to hope for things. Whenever he did things just always had a way of working out the opposite way from what he wished for. For now though here he is, doing something he thought for sure he never would again, hoping. This could be about anything. He has to clench onto the one bit of hope he has left.
“You gained more points on Earth than anyone else in the entire neighborhood. I know, I know I should have asked you earlier, but would you mind giving a speech to everyone? There’s some people having trouble adjusting and settling in and I think it would help put them at ease to hear from a fellow resident.”
Air fills his lungs, he didn’t realize he had stopped breathing. That was it. That was all Evan wanted to ask. Regulus just has to go up in front of everyone and speak for a few minutes to help calm them down and ease them in their transition. That’s fine. This is fine. Everything is fine. Why does it not feel fine?
His hesitation causes a worrying look on Evan’s face but Regulus quickly goes to erase it. “Of course Evan. Anything you need.” Maybe he shouldn’t have tacked on that last part but it seems like something a good person would say.
“Wonderful! I’ll go give you a quick introduction and then you can speak. Something not too long. I’m thinking half an hour or so since you don’t have anything prepared.” Evan quickly rushes off before Regulus can object to any of it. He goes to tell James that it looks like they’ll be staying for a little bit longer before hearing the feedback of a microphone. They look towards the stage and see Evan standing before the large crowd of people.
“Hello everyone! I’m so glad to see you all here tonight. I hope your first day has gone well. I just wanted to come up here and introduce you all to the top point getter in the neighborhood. Regulus! Regulus is going to speak to you all for a bit about his life and how he’s enjoying the neighborhood so far. Let’s give him a big round of applause!” Evan begins to clap as he looks towards Regulus, urging him to come up and join him. Tentatively he walks towards the stage and takes Evan’s place.
“Thank you Evan.” He nods to the taller man. “As he said, my name is Regulus.” He takes a quick look at Sirius and realizes why this is such a bad idea. The more time he spends in his brother's view the more likely Sirius is to connect all the dots. He has to make this as boring as possible, knowing his brother’s attention span, he’ll tune it out quick enough. “So I guess I’ll start by telling you a little bit about myself and my work.”
In his youth Regulus spent many hours in his home library. His family was one to collect a wide array of books on any topic one could think of from Acupuncture to the history of the mathematical concept of Zero. Luckily for young Regulus his family never actually read the books in their collection which meant the library was often barren of family members. He would spend hours locked away in the room surrounded by different books, looking out the wide window that covered one end of the wall to the other, staring at the birds as they made their way in and out of the trees behind his house. It was his solace, his place of comfort. It also gave him knowledge about a lot of useless topics. A skill that he has never been able to truly put to good use, until now that is, when he is able to make one book he read when he was eight about the history of algae spread into a thirty minute speech for the neighborhood. He’s pretty sure Sirius stopped paying attention about two minutes in when he headed to the bar instead of listening.
***
“Well that was great!” Regulus rips off his tie and throws it on the couch of his home. The rest of the party had gone by smoothly enough. After his speech he took two shots to get the disappointment of seeing Sirius still not recognizing him out of his mind. It did…not work. That whole putting his feelings in a box behind a locked door thing? Turns out that the box and door are locked up with duct tape when liquor is involved.
Luckily James was able to coax him away from the bar and into his home before he got a chance to actually go talk with Sirius. He understands that he can’t have Sirius recognize him but the ache still persists and after so many years of not seeing his brother he just doesn’t know how to properly react. James had asked him many times why the sudden turn in his demeanor but Regulus wouldn’t budge on the matter.
Regulus goes into his bedroom and looks for a pair of pajamas. He pulls out an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts. He prefers to sleep in his socks but decides against it when he notices all of the pairs he has are mismatched. He slams the drawer closed and changes instead.
He’s too tired to shower and knowing the sun is probably going to rise in about four hours, flooding his room with light, he doesn’t want to risk not getting as much sleep as he could. He’s also going to have to make sure to wake up early enough to find James and continue to convince him that Regulus is worth keeping this secret for.
“Okay, I’m going to head home now…” James walks towards the front door, looking completely exhausted. Regulus had drained the life out of the man today.
“James, wait.” James pauses and turns towards the younger man. “Thanks for putting up with me today, and walking me home. I know I wasn’t the best after that speech. I haven’t exactly been making this whole thing easy on you.”
“No…you really haven’t. I forgive you though. I’m still thinking, I promise I am. I just need a little bit more than a day. What you told me about your parents helped. Do you want to talk about why you started drinking like that? Is algae a touchy subject for you?” James lets out a little laugh and Regulus follows suit.
“It’s not the algae, no.” He huffs out, “You know how earlier you said for some people accepting your own death is harder than accepting other peoples?” James nods in response, “Sometimes it’s the opposite too. I took it all in right away, it was no big deal. I never expected to live that long since I was a kid. Other people though…they deserve some more time. I don’t have anyone that would have really cared that I died. I’ll be lucky to have a headstone. People like you though, good people, I’m sure your grave is covered with flowers and tears.”
Something about James’ face betrays every emotion he feels at those last words. Regulus broke him. He wasn’t trying to, there was no ulterior motive for this. It’s true, he didn’t have parents, family, or friends that would have cared. James is a good person. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he’s honest and caring. He’s everything Regulus isn’t, and Regulus is, selfishly, trying to change some of these key aspects of what makes the man before him. Maybe if he knew James on Earth things would have been different but that’s not the way fate intertwined them.
Regulus grew up in a home where love was a weakness. It was not something you yielded yourself but something you utilized against others. He was beaten by his mother physically and his father verbally. The people that were supposed to care for him, protect him and love him.
When kids at school would talk about their parents, he didn’t understand why they weren’t terrified like he was. They didn’t have to be careful to act the right way and say the right things. They could be unapologetically themselves. When he did understand, he realized that sometimes knowing didn’t make things better. Knowing that other kids got to climb into bed with their parents when they had nightmares didn’t stop his mother from hitting him for receiving a B in his coursework. Knowing that other kids smiled and laughed with their parents didn’t stop his father from calling him a disgrace and a disappointment. Knowing doesn’t always make things better, sometimes it just makes you realize how inescapable your position actually is.
When he understood, fully understood, he closed in on himself. He was just a kid and there was nothing he could do to escape his parents. He did as he was told, even as he saw Sirius act out. He watched the repercussions for actions grow harder, fiercer, until they began to draw blood, and even then they grew. By disguising himself as a person he was not, he was able to survive, and he’d have to do that now.
James takes a step closer to Regulus and holds up his arms, “Can I hug you?” he asks tentatively. He sounds worried he’s pushing too much, and he is. Regulus takes a step back and shakes his head no. James drops his arms and gives a resigned smile. “That’s okay. I told you, you’re always safe with me. Even if I haven’t decided what to do yet, that’s still true.”
James backs up and leaves. As soon as the door closes, Regulus climbs into bed and buries himself under the duvet, wondering if his corpse is buried yet, and who might have been there to see it. It’s his last thought before he drifts to sleep.
***
The sun is pounding down on him, something is crashing against the sidewalk, people are screaming…people are, screaming? Regulus bolts up from underneath his tangle of blankets. He had expected the sun to wake him up, not this. Still in his pajamas he slips on his shoes and runs out the front door.
His house is a good ten minute walk away from the main square, by running he gets there in four. He is out of breath, bending over, clutching his knees as he takes in the scene before him. People are running around in a panic. There are paper straws falling from the sky? Those touched by the straws are breaking out into rashes. Half of the people running around can barely manage one foot in front of the other, stumbling as if drunk.
Golden decor pieces like the ones in Sirius’ house are populating in the street, multiplying every time somebody touches one. Algae is growing like vines at an alarming rate, covering homes and shops. Doesn’t algae only grow in water? No, he read somewhere that certain kinds can grow in other places, but they don’t grow like this! There is chaos everywhere he looks.
He spots Sirius and Barty running past him being chased by six black ravens. Evan is trying to calm people down and failing terribly. The only words Regulus can make out are “I don’t know what’s going on.”, which is not very helpful. James runs by and Regulus grabs his arm to stop him.
“James, what’s going on?” Everyone else is panicked, he might as well be too.
“I don’t know! No one knows! It just happened! We woke up in these clothes and when we came outside things just started attacking!” That’s when Regulus notices, everyone is wearing the same thing. Everyone’s clothes have transformed into a dark purple tulle dress. He looks down, terrified of what he’ll see. Relief crosses him as he sees that he’s still in the shorts and t-shirt that he slept in. Relief that leaves as quick as it came.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He grabs James’ hand and runs back to his house. They make quick time of it, trying to avoid anyone who might notice Regulus is the only one not in the uniform clothing.
By the time they get back they’re out of breath again. Panting James says, “This is all happening because of you. Your rudeness is causing chaos in the neighborhood.”
“Thanks for pointing out the obvious!” Regulus retorts. A boom of thunder shakes the house. It’s not like he intentionally did any of this. Every person he pointed out, every rude comment he made, has turned on its head and has found its way to attack the neighborhood.
“What’s with the crows? I didn’t hear you say anything about crows?” James is finally regaining his breath.
“They’re ravens. It’s a symbol on my family’s crest. Three ravens. I’m guessing they’re attacking in unkindnesses of three.”
“Unkindnesses?”
“A flock of ravens is called an unkindness. That’s clearly not our biggest issue right now James!” Regulus heads to his closet to see if there is anything that can pass for the clothes everyone else is wearing. He despises the idea of having to put on that stupid dress but he has to blend in with everyone else.
“We can’t keep going on like this Regulus. If you keep acting like this then more bad things are just going to keep happening.” Regulus jumps out of the closet and runs to James.
“That’s it!” he shouts excitedly.
“What’s it?” James asks, confused.
“I can’t keep acting like this. It’s the only way I know how to act though. I’ve been surrounded by this behaviour my whole life. I need someone to teach me how to be different. How to be good, like you and everyone else here.” Regulus looks up to James. He’s never been one to really ask for help, and he has already asked James to keep his secret, this would just be another thing to add to their whole situation, but if he is going to avoid being caught, this is the only option.
“I’m not following.” James responds. Regulus lets a groan slip past his lips.
“You were a professor of ethics right?” Regulus asks. James nods. “A teacher if you will, and I require a teacher. Someone to teach me to be good.” Regulus gestures between the two of them. James squints his eyes in confusion. “Teach me!” Regulus finally gives in. “If you teach me to be good, all of your ethics nonsense, I can fit in with everyone else, and who knows? Maybe I’ll actually earn my place here in the process.”
It’s a big ask, larger than before. Prior to this Regulus was just asking James to not go out of his way and tell Evan that he didn’t belong, now he’s asking James to actively participate in the ruse, not just keep it up. James is clearly debating all of this in his head, bewildered by the turn of events and trying to process it all. It’s all up to him now, he’s holding Regulus’ fate in his hands. Regulus just hopes he’ll be gentle with it.
Chapter 3: Child of Time
Notes:
A little POV switch-up.
Warnings:
Panic Attack
Faking sexuality
Homophobia (blink and you miss it)For the panic attack it takes place in the second scene, beginning at "James doesn't wait for Regulus to try" and goes until the end of the scene.
For the warning regarding somebody faking sexuality it occurs in the first scene starting at "When his crying settled down he began to speak" until the end of that paragraph.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Have patience awhile; slanderers are not long-lived. Truth is the child of time; erelong she shall appear to vindicate thee. - Immanuel Kant
***
James stared at Regulus in disbelief. Since he arrived in the Good Place he has had a constant headache trying to work through all that the man in front of him has been asking. At first it was just that Regulus requested James didn’t go to Evan and expose Regulus’ secret. He’s sure that if he agrees to this it will be followed up shortly with, if Evan asks him anything, lie about anything to do with Regulus. And now, well now Regulus is asking him to not just lie but perpetuate dishonesty by teaching him about ethics. His head is throbbing.
It should be a simple no, but Regulus has made some decent points on the matter. After all James was a teacher, someone who imparted knowledge and wisdom onto his students, and he loved to teach all of those aspiring philosophers and thinkers. His specific branch that he taught focused on western philosophy but he also had a love for the eastern takes on the subject.
While those in the west often focused on the actions that someone had to take in order to become a good person, like Jeremy Bentham and Kant, the philosophers in the east, like Confucius and Mencius, worked more towards figuring out what it meant to be a good person.
Before James can decide if he’s going to help Regulus, he needs to decide for himself which of the greats he should be listening to. There are so many questions to ask himself. Is a person born inherently good or bad? Can they change if they are? What role does motivation play in all of this? Can a person who struggled to find one good thing that they did on Earth even truly change?
Then the more specific questions come: Is he morally obligated to help Regulus or morally obligated to not help him? What if Regulus takes all of the information and knowledge that James is able to provide to disguise himself and blend in instead of actually change for the better? Does Regulus need to change his mental state or the perception of himself? Does he even want to? Would it even be worth it to try?
There’s too many questions and too many possible answers. Even for the questions James can answer, ten more seem to take its place. He had still been processing his own death before all of this but that has been violently pushed aside for these more pressing matters. He needs space, he needs time, but yet he knows that he needs to figure things out, and quickly.
After the chaos that had reigned down on the neighborhood he did help Regulus get an outfit that matched what everyone else was wearing with the aid of Remus. That robot can really work wonders. With their matching clothing they had gone back into the world where Evan managed to wrangle up all of the residents and try to ease them into a semblance of calm. They were extremely lucky that it didn’t take long after for everyone’s outfits to magically fade away and be replaced by what they had gone to sleep in the previous night.
James went to his apartment after everyone was told to return home and wait for an all clear. The all clear came two hours ago and James is still in his apartment. He can’t leave out of fear of what is waiting for him when he sees Regulus again. Despite this, he really wants to see Regulus again. There is something alluring about the man, as if James had known him in a past life. Maybe not as a friend but as a friend of a friend. Maybe a stranger, someone he saw passing in the halls as a kid. He hasn’t had a chance yet to actually get to know much about Regulus’ life on Earth so he can’t be quite sure yet.
So instead of facing the inevitable, he has decided to avoid it. He’s sitting in his large brown leather chair surrounded by his favourite philosophical works. If he’s honest, the chair kind of grates into his side but it’s the only sitting area in the reading nook of his apartment, and the sun is coming in at just the right angle for him to read comfortably without having to turn on the overhead light. He feels safe, comfortable, at home, if only it wasn’t for the increased thumping in his temple, a steady drip of continuous pain.
His apartment sits near the town square. Next to his reading nook is a double door covered in clear glass that allows the sunlight in. The other side of the door contains a patio with a singular light blue lawn chair and circular table to match. He hasn’t had the chance to use it yet but imagines he will in the coming days.
The inside of his home is small and cozy. He has a side table next to his chair in a C shape that allows him to set down his book against the hard surface when he wants to write notes in the margins. His living room contains a couch meant for two, a dark red corduroy material with matching pillows. There is one end table on both sides. The left table has a lamp that lights up the small space just enough to not be overbearing but lets him easily see everything, including the other end table. On the right side of the couch the table holds multiple animal figurines. Each one has been carefully carved out of wood and painted with such precision that the figurine of a black dog looks like it has actual fur. He still hasn’t been able to figure out why they were put in his home but he enjoys looking at them.
He takes off his glasses and presses his thumb and index finger into his eyes, trying to ease the tension. He's in the Good Place for crying out loud and his migraines are just as bad as ever. It's something you would think would ease or go away completely but he guesses he can’t be too surprised given his circumstances.
When another hour passes by with no change he decides enough is enough, the thought of Regulus shouldn’t prevent him from enjoying his eternity. He finally puts his glasses back on, puts his book back on his shelf and heads out the door.
It only takes a few minutes of being out in the streets of the town square for Barty to find him. He doesn’t fully grasp why Regulus hates the man so much, Barty exudes kindness. They greet each other like old friends and decide to head to a small sandwich shop together. James can’t help but notice that Sirius isn’t with Barty but decides to not bring it up. He’s very confident that those who have proper soulmates get along just well, and even if they aren’t at first they’ll get through the growing pains in no time. He wishes he could get to figure out what his situation with a soulmate would be like if he had a real one.
Those thoughts aside, James finds Barty to be a real delight. He had spent much of the party last night talking to Sirius and they seemed to get along almost instantly. Barty looked bored during the conversations but it probably just wasn’t something he could relate to. It was during a story the two were immersed in about a prank Sirius had pulled in his childhood on his sister that Regulus had been taken away by Evan.
Now James and Barty chat idly about how the neighborhood is treating them so far. Barty tells James about some parts of the house he hadn’t gotten to see during the party, and once again invites him over. James really wants to say yes to the invitation, it would help him take his mind off of what to do with Regulus for a bit and it sounds better than hiding himself away while the trickle of pain beats in his mind. He knows however that he needs to go find Regulus and work out next steps. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do but he still has some questions to ask that may ease him one way or another.
James finds that he already has to tread waters carefully when answering questions Barty poses. He isn’t lying, he’s telling the truth, as much of it that can be found in clipped or one word answers.
“And how are things going with Regulus so far? I thought he said you two were going to be spending the day together.” Barty smirks. James gives a short laugh, hoping it will ease the tension. He’s not sure if it works for Barty but it does nothing to calm his own nerves.
“Oh yeah I think that was the plan. We don’t live together yet, so after all of the stuff that happened this morning I had to go back to my own place.” Simple, effective, not a lie. Does it account for the past three hours that James could have been with Regulus? No. But that’s not what Barty asked, was it?
Okay fine maybe there are some grey areas here as to what James is willing to give away. Given his position, it’s difficult to find this line that he has drawn in the proverbial sand because it seems Regulus is a wave crashing to the shore, wiping away what he knows and distorting how James looks at everything. If he does eventually decide to help Regulus, he doesn’t want to have set them up for failure by giving away some piece of information that may give rise to suspicion of his soulmate.
Barty seems to take this answer and not question it any further which relieves James, if only a little bit. That is until Barty says, “I don’t think Regulus cares for me very much.”
James nearly chokes on his sandwich. He’s sputtering and coughing. Barty hits him on the back hard once, twice, three times before James regains enough of himself to hold up a hand and then take a sip of his water. Barty gives a short laugh.
“I’m not that bad am I?” Barty asks. Despite the topic, Barty doesn’t look upset about the idea of Regulus not liking him. Personally James has yet to find anything he doesn’t care for when it comes to the man before him.
“No, not at all.” He takes another deep breath and sip of water, easing his throat. “I don’t know him very well yet. You know, given that we just met yesterday. He doesn’t strike me as someone who generally…” James gives pause looking for the right word. Trusts? Likes people? Belongs here? All answers he obviously can’t give. He has stopped speaking for too long now and Barty is laughing again.
“Yeah I get it.” Barty says, “I’ve met a lot of people like that in my time. Sometimes we just don’t click with people right away. It happens. Don’t worry though I’m sure I’ll win him over eventually.”
James nods appreciatively and offers a smile. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, he’s risking a lot by speaking about Regulus without him around. He wishes the man was here to speak on his own behalf. He should have gone and seen him as soon as the all clear was given.
All of a sudden a small chime fills the air and Remus appears before them with, despite not being summoned by either of the men.
“Hey Remus!” James says excitedly. Barty gives Remus a small upwards nod as a greeting. “What brings you here?”
“Hello James and Barty.” Remus replies. James notices that he’s wearing the same outfit as yesterday, a wool jumper and a dark pair of jeans. He briefly wonders if Remus has multiple sets of the same clothes or washes the one outfit every day. “I’ve come to inform you that there is a neighborhood activity scheduled for today. We were going to cancel it after this morning’s incident but Evan believes it will be fine to continue anyways. Please come to the lake in thirty minutes if you wish to participate.” James goes to ask for more details but before he gets the chance to, Remus says, “Avery is requesting a coffee. I must be off.” and disappears as quickly as he came, leaving nothing behind but another delicate chime.
James looks back to Barty, “Care for a trip to the lake?” The two men finish their meals, not having to pay, as there is no money in the afterlife, and head down to the beach. The way the neighborhood is designed is quite simple. There is the town square which slowly seeps out in all directions to houses that become increasingly more spaced apart. Surrounding those houses on the outskirts, like Regulus’, is the forest. South of the square however is a large meadow that eventually turns into a beach. It’s about a thirty minute walk to reach the water, making Barty and James one of the last ones to arrive.
The cerulean waters rock against the pearly white sand. Members of the neighborhood line the beach, some in sneakers while others opted for sandals or bare feet. Joy found on each face he comes across, James can’t help but smile at the happiness radiating from those around him. He quickly removes his shoes, feeling the sand in between his toes and heads into the thicket of people.
It appears that nearly everyone from the neighborhood is here, but James is looking for one short, dark haired man in particular. He’s amazed by how quickly he finds him. James goes up to Regulus who has his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Regulus has on a pair of dark shorts that nearly reach his knees along with a black polo, silver rings adorning each of his fingers. Against the sun, James can make out the outline of freckles dotting Regulus’ nose and cheeks.
James nudges Regulus’ elbow slightly when he stands next to him to get his attention. “Doing alright?” He asks carefully in a whisper.
“As good as I can be I guess. I saw you walk in with Barty. An odd pair you two. Where have you been all morning?” Regulus’ words come out low and slightly harsh. He made it clear yesterday that he doesn’t like the idea of James interacting with other members of the neighborhood, especially Barty, without Regulus by his side while he is still undecided. They’re both still looking forward to where Evan is finishing setting up a podium in front of the large crowd of people as they speak.
“Haven’t been doing much.” James says, “Stayed in the apartment till we could leave. Got lunch with Barty afterwards.” James puts his hand up to stop Regulus from saying whatever it is he is about to. “Don't say anything. We saw how everything you said last night turned out. Plus I think if you actually sat down with the guy and talked to him you’d grow to like him.” Regulus somehow scowls more and chooses to ignore this suggestion.
Evan completes a quick microphone check and then turns to the side to make sure Remus is standing next to him before addressing the crowd. “Hello everyone! Welcome to day two of your afterlife! For the first few weeks we’ll be having these community bonding activities for you, and as time goes on they’ll be a little more spaced apart. They are of course always optional but we do hope that you try to come to as many as you can. These are people you’ll be spending eternity with so it’s good to get to know them. They’ll also help you figure out more about things you can do while here.”
James’ arm is still brushed up against Regulus’ and he can’t help but notice that the black haired man is shivering slightly. It isn’t cold out here but then he remembers their conversation yesterday about Regulus’ inability to swim. He looks over at the large lake they’re standing next to and quickly understands. He knows Regulus isn’t big on touching but when he looks down and sees their hands so close to one another he can’t help but intertwine their fingers together, hoping to provide some source of grounding. Regulus flinches at the contact but doesn’t make any move to separate their hands.
“Today we have a special treat for you! Remus has put together a list of various things that humans all wish to do while they’re on Earth. One of the top items on the list was to breathe underwater!” James feels Regulus go stiff next to him. “So today we are providing you with that opportunity. For those who wish, Remus will provide you with a swimsuit, then afterwards he will give you a special plant that will allow you to breathe underwater for two hours, completely free of oxygen gear!”
Excited murmurs drift along the attendants. Attention turns away from Evan when a hand pops up out of the crowd of people. James can’t see who it is but recognizes Barty’s voice when he speaks. “Evan. I was just thinking that some of us could use this time to help clean up the neighborhood. There was a lot of damage this morning and it could be a fun bonding experience to help out. Maybe ten or so people I think could do it in an hour while everyone else is swimming.”
Evan looks back at Remus, seeming to search for some kind of confirmation. “I don’t see why not. I was going to have Remus work on it afterwards but this would clear him up for other needs. Thank you Barty. Would anybody like to volunteer to be a part of the clean up crew?”
Regulus’ hand instantly shoots up into the air. James is shocked that he would so willingly offer himself up like this. “James and I will help.” Regulus says. James has nothing against helping but it’s odd that Regulus is volunteering for the both of them. He really wanted to go breathing underwater.
A few more hands raise in the air, offering to help. “Wonderful.” Evan says. “If you all finish early then you can rejoin us and participate. Barty, I would like to speak to you for a moment before your crew leaves.”
Barty walks over to Evan and the two speak in hushed whispers. It’s a short conversation and he soon returns to the small group. The clean up crew separate from the main group and divide up where they are going to be cleaning, while the others go to Remus to receive their swimsuits and magical plant.
It seems that the chaos of the previous night was fairly contained to the town square so there isn’t as much as they initially thought there was going to be. Regulus insists that he and James will be working next to each other. With everything settled they head back off the way they came.
With James and Regulus separate from the others James can finally ask Regulus, “Why did you volunteer us to clean? You could have just said you didn’t like swimming, nothing wrong with that.” Regulus scoffs as a response.
“James, think logically. I was apparently a marine conservationist or biologist-I don’t even really remember what I’m supposed to be. Don’t you think it would be a little telling if I admitted I didn’t particularly enjoy large bodies of water? Besides, anyone who does is insane. You don’t know what’s down there. Did you know ninety-five percent of the ocean is unexplored? If anything, I’m the sane one for keeping far away from that.”
“Regulus,” James tries, “this isn’t Earth’s ocean, or even Earth’s water. I’m sure it would be perfectly safe.” Regulus just rolls his eyes like James still hasn’t understood his point.
“So it hasn’t been explored at all yet is what you’re saying. Yes, let's jump right into unknown waters. That sounds like a great plan. Perhaps we’ll meet a giant squid and befriend it!”
James lets out a laugh at the thought of Regulus hugging a giant squid but quickly sobers up when he sees the glare thrown his way. He holds his hands up in defence, “Okay you know what? You’re totally right.”
James tries to change the subject away from the water and lands on the first thing he can think of, “Did you see Barty and Evan talking? Wonder what that was about. I’m thinking Evan has taken a liking to Barty. He does seem like a good judge of character.” This was, of course, the wrong thing to say.
“Not this again.” Regulus closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. He pinches the bridge of his nose while speaking. “I don’t like that guy and there’s nothing wrong with it. You can go be all buddy-buddy with him if that’s really your prerogative but I have other, more important matters to deal with. Besides, he was probably just asking Barty the same thing he asked me before you bothered to show up.”
“You spoke to Evan in private?” James asks while picking up a paper cup with a suspicious liquid inside, throwing it into his bag. He thought the whole point of the scheme Regulus is trying to pull was that they both avoided Evan at all costs.
“Yeah. He pulled me away as soon as I showed up. Since I’m the number-one point earner he asked that I attend as many of the community bonding activities as possible to boost morale and encourage others to come.” Regulus examines his own trash closely before grimacing and throwing it into a nearby bin. James really wishes selfishly he could be back at the lake swimming with everyone else.
It only takes a few minutes of silence and throwing various pieces of debris and trash into the bags and bins for Regulus to ask James once again if he’s planning on helping him become a good person.
“I just think that it could be beneficial for both of us. Since you spent your life teaching, I’m sure you miss it. It’s not like anyone else here would need to know about this stuff. So really, I’d be doing you a favour by letting you help me.” Regulus states. James can’t help the way his eyes roll at the line of reasoning.
Regulus is nothing if not persistent. He seems to understand that this isn’t easy for James but at the same time hasn’t let up in the slightest. He feels the thudding in his mind again, water flowing and encapsulating his brain. He briefly wonders if there are migraine pills here. He’ll have to ask Remus about it later when there aren’t so many other people close by.
“It’s not that I don’t want to help you Reg. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. What we talked about yesterday helped but I also need to know that you’re capable of change, of actually doing things that are selfless.”
Regulus gestures to the various piles of trash and debris that litter their space. “What do you call what we’re doing right now?”
“I call it, avoiding something you don’t want to do by breaking a promise you made to Evan and cleaning up a mess that you made.” James can feel the way the words cut as they leave his mouth. He’s never been an angry person, Regulus seems to be testing this notion. He doesn’t want what they’re going through now, whatever the outcome may be, to change who he is as a person. He was good enough to get into the Good Place and he doesn’t want anything to diminish the qualities that got him here to start with.
Regulus rolls his eyes and continues to clean up his trash. They work in silence, the lack of words being loud enough for the both of them. James has more that he wants to say but he hasn’t found the right order to put the words in. He wishes he had some kind of guidance on what to do here. He thinks of his parents, of what they would tell him.
James grew up in a loving home. The kind of home that you walked into as a friend and left feeling like part of the family. His friends never referred to his parents as Mr. and Mrs. Potter but always as Monty and Effie.
He thinks of his mother in the kitchen baking desserts. His father trying to distract her with kisses while he stuck his finger in batter to get a taste. In the garden his mother would prune flowers while his father would tend to an array of vegetables. At night they would dance by the fire together with old records playing.
One time when he was fifteen years old he hid under the covers on his bed crying. He felt far too old to be acting this way but his heart was broken and it was his own fault. His mother and father carefully made their way into his room and sat next to him, one parent on each side. They removed the blankets. They didn’t ask him what was wrong, with his mother’s kind of intuition she probably knew anyways, but they gave him the time he needed to say the words out loud. Both parents just held him as he cried into his mother’s chest, heaving sobs and staining her shirt with his tears. First heartbreaks feel like the world is shattering into countless pieces, but in his parent’s arms, he felt solid.
When his crying settled down he began to speak. He told them how he had been secretly dating a boy for the past six months. He didn’t think they would judge him for being with a boy but the boy’s parents were really strict and he didn’t want the parents to somehow find out. It turned out the boy was just using James to make a girl jealous. The boy’s parents weren’t strict, and he wasn’t even into guys. His mother held onto him a little tighter and told him about her own first heartbreak, then his father talked about his. It was insane for James to think that his parents had ever been in love with anyone else besides each other.
They told their stories and then retold the one of how they met. Eventually his mother told him that with time he would figure it all out, and there will always be pieces of the puzzle of life missing but as long as you knew what you wanted your picture to look like, well that was all that really mattered. Keep trying, and no matter what happens, don’t let people change you from who you are and who you want to be.
James loves with his whole chest, every atom of his being, but the boy had shifted the pieces of who he was. He didn’t know if he could trust someone like that again. Despite this, that moment in his parent’s arms is what kept him sane. They held him together as if trying to physically force the aspects of who he was to remain the same and in place.
James thinks of these moments with his mother and father, what they would possibly say to him now, and he comes up blank. Effie was always so good with words and finding the small ways to comfort him. Monty made small gestures that felt like the world. He longs for just one more conversation with them, one more piece of advice, one more chance to tell them he loves them, one more look.
He looks back at Regulus, and wonders.
***
The first hour is nearly up and the trash is nearly gone, returning the square into pristine condition when Barty approaches them both.
“Hey.” Barty greets them with a small wave, “Looks like you guys did a great job over here. We’re nearly done ourselves but I wanted to see if you needed any extra hands.”
Regulus’ glare could be enough of a response, but he decides to use his words as well, “We’re just fine.”
Barty beams at them both. Seriously, James needs to find a way to get Regulus to get along with this guy, it seems like he’s going to be around a lot and if any plan that allows Regulus to stay here is going to work he needs to be able to get along with his next door neighbor.
“Okay great!” Barty seems to ignore the way Regulus’ tone cuts through. “We should have plenty of time to head back to the lake and go swimming then. See you soon!”
Barty leaves them and when James looks back at Regulus he’s met with an overly pale face and wide eyes. “Regulus?” James tries carefully.
“I’m fine.” Regulus is short and clipped. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’m sure all the shops stay unlocked. Keep cleaning, I’ll be back in a minute.” James nods as a response but remains worried, he has yet to see Regulus look so terrified.
James has joked about Regulus and the lake but now he’s seeing how it’s actually impacting the man. He knows Regulus doesn’t belong here, and he’s clearly not a great person, but no one deserves to have to go through that. James decides he’ll try to think of a way to get them both out of it, one that doesn’t involve lying. Maybe Regulus can fake feeling sick or something. He’d be lying by proxy if he were to go along with it though. He’s got a few minutes so he brainstorms a couple of ideas.
As he ponders, he can feel it in the forefront of his mind, a stream of pain moving relentlessly. He nearly doubles over, his hands on his knees, as the pain continues. Thump. Thump. Once he steadies himself he tries to bring his thoughts back into focus, how to help Regulus. He doesn’t have much time to actually think of ideas before he is hit on the head. It’s not a hard hit but it was far from gentle. He looks down at the ground as he hears the item ricochet off the pavement. It’s a paper cup. He bends down to examine it. It looks just like one he picked up not too long ago, strange liquid still coating the insides and all.
Suddenly, he hears another object fall. He looks over and there’s a clump of straws he had picked up. Another plop and it’s the banner that fell from the cafe, too damaged to be saved. “What is happening?” He mutters to himself. The trickle of trash turns into a downpour of garbage. Thunder is heard in the distance and James runs to take cover under an awning.
In mere moments Regulus is next to him and it all clicks in his mind. He can feel his own eyes widening as the connection is made, “What did you do?” He pushes the words through clenched teeth.
Regulus at least has the decency to look a little guilty as he responds. “Okay, I may have gone over to the other group, stole their trash and threw it back out everywhere when they weren’t looking.”
James is dumbfounded. There is no way this is happening to him right now. Every moment he begins to think that maybe this deception is something he could possibly take part in, Regulus hits him with something else. He looks around at the scene. The nearly clean square is now covered with more trash and debris than before. The rain isn’t letting up, only seeming to be getting stronger.
“I swear James it was just supposed to be enough that we would all miss swimming. I didn't think this would happen.”
“Regulus. We’ve already seen the consequences of you doing bad things. Why would this be any different!” James’ voice is rising, he can feel his face flush. He is enraged. Not only did Regulus purposefully spread trash anywhere, but he did it fully knowing what the outcome would be. “You are so selfish! Here I was trying to find a way to help you get out of having to go near the lake while you were making everyone else’s life harder for your own gain!”
“James. I-”
“No. Don’t.” Regulus immediately shuts his mouth, “I’ve decided.” James lets out a small laugh at the relief he feels and smiles wide. “Mind made up! You care too much about your own wants to ever be helped. You will never be a good person because you can’t even be bothered to try and pretend to be one. I won’t go to Evan but I will not help you in keeping your secret. It’s not worth it. ”
James doesn’t wait for Regulus to try and come up with a response. He marches off past the yard and fountain, past the sandwich shop he was enjoying just hours ago, and heads home. Mind racing, thumping, he’s fighting a storm both inside and out.
As soon as he walks into his apartment he feels a sob crawl up his throat. He should feel relieved that this is all over. He should feel at peace knowing that he did the right thing. The funny thing about feelings though? People hardly ever feel what they should. No, he feels disgusted with himself. He’s grossed out with the way he ever thought he could help Regulus. His skin is crawling with the way he spoke to the man. He feels helpless for not knowing if he did the right thing. So, he cries.
He throws himself onto his couch and lets out a scream into the pillow muffled by the sound of thunder making its way across the sky. The yelling is cut in and out between heavy sobs and erratic breathing. He can’t seem to catch a breath, air won’t find its way into his lungs. His throat is tight and scratchy. Someone has taken sandpaper to it and tried to smooth it out but only made the surface rough. He finds himself muttering words that are incoherent to even himself. His mind is so jumbled, he’s not sure what he’s saying, unclear of what he’s thinking.
His eyes sting when he tries to open them. His head is pulsating, a tsunami of emotions overtaking his mind, swallowing it whole. He wants to say that his mother would be ashamed of him right now but never once had she ever alluded to feeling that way towards him, even in his worst moments, but right now he wishes he could feel the full force of his mother being disappointed in him.
With his eyes glued shut from dried tears, his chest slowing from his ragged breathing, and the adrenaline leaving his body, James falls asleep.
***
By the time he wakes up, night has already fallen over the neighborhood. He blinks in confusion, what time it is, where he is, who he is, and then it all floods back. He lets out a deep sigh and sits up. The couch wasn’t meant for mid-evening naps turned to full on sleep and his back aches. James rubs his eyes until all the remnants of dried tears have left. He twists his body left and then right in an attempt to stretch out his back.
He feels better now after getting everything out. He’s not sure what he feels exactly but it is an improvement from before. He’s not blinded by anger, if anything, he feels nothing.
Outside he can hear movement on the streets. Curious, he gets up and walks over to his patio doors. Looking out the window he can’t see much so he steps outside. A block away he sees Regulus. Small frame and black hair blending in with the night sky, perched underneath a street light. He has a bag in his hand and is picking up something off the ground. James squints his eyes, willing them to zoom in and see clearer. It’s the trash from the storm, it’s nearly all gone now and Regulus seems to have cleaned it up.
Without thinking further James walks out the front door, down the steps and onto the street. He walks over to Regulus, taking a moment to look up at the night sky. There are stars littering the darkness.
Regulus must hear him approach because he looks up and meets James’ gaze.
“What are you doing?” James asks.
Regulus fumbles with the bag in one of his hands as he places a piece of trash in it with another, “Cleaning up the trash I threw earlier.” James just stares at him for a moment before Regulus tacks on, “I didn’t want it to be traced back to me.”
James’ laugh is small, more of a huff of breath. “Looks like you cleaned up a little more than what you threw.”
Regulus looks down at the ground, not responding to the accusations. There’s not like there’s any way that he could deny what he did. James regards his lack of response and thinks out loud, “You did it because you felt bad. I told you I wasn’t going to help you, said some awful things to you, but you did it anyway. You did something good, even if it came from a place of guilt.”
“So what if I did? And how did you even know I was here?” Regulus tries to put some bite into his words but James sees right through it. Regulus went out in the dead of night, where no one could see him or play witness to his actions and cleaned everything. There’s no selfish motive behind that, he was going to keep it all a secret, probably play it off as Remus cleaning up everything like he was originally going to.
“I knew you were here because I live over there.” James points to the patio with the doors still open, lights from his apartment entering the empty street. He doesn’t say anything else. He turns around and picks up a piece of debris, throwing it in a nearby bin. He can feel Regulus watching him but he doesn’t turn back. After a few moments he can hear Regulus returning back to cleaning up. Together they work in silence, nothing else to be said, but plenty to clear away.
When the last of the mess is gone James asks Regulus to follow him, and he does without a word about it. No probing questions, no snide comments.
James leads Regulus up to his apartment. As soon as they enter the front doors he suddenly becomes self conscious. It’s a bit of a mess, there are mugs of half drunk coffee on various surfaces lacking coasters, books laid open face down and in stacks that cover the room. Regulus pays no mind to any of it, which gives James some relief.
Regulus plops himself down on the right side of the couch. He turns to face James who takes the left side. Both men sit with one foot tucked underneath themselves and their other leg hanging down. They are mirror images of each other at this moment.
James, playing with his fingers, goes to speak first, “Look, Reg. I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I do think people are capable of change and…trying, even you. There is so much going on with this, so many moving parts that it is difficult to see clearly. That’s no excuse and I don’t have any justification for yelling at you the way I did.”
“I’m not denying any of that but apology accepted.” Regulus says softly. He’s avoiding James’ gaze, twisting the rings on his fingers. James closes his eyes for a moment, feeling the water in his mind picking up pace, and takes in a deep breath before continuing.
“I think that I could help you, if this is something you actually want to do.” Regulus perks up. James quickly continues on, “But when it comes down to it, I can give you all the books, have you write papers, learn the different theories and thought experiments, but it’s all going to come down to you. I can’t make you understand. I can’t make you change your actions or the way you think about things. I can provide the tools but you’re the one who is going to have to use them to build something. If we’re going to do this, I need to know that you’re in this, all the way.”
Regulus doesn’t respond right away, which James appreciates. He needs Regulus to consider all aspects of this. Even outside the prospect of being tortured in the Bad Place, memorizing facts isn’t enough to be a good person, to think like one. A person could have all of Kant’s works memorized but do nothing in the ways of the Universal Maxim. It takes an active commitment, a persistent thought that nips the back of your mind questioning if you’re doing the right thing.
Morality is never truly black and white, but recognizing where you are, and where you want to go is like putting together a puzzle. It is far easier when you can look at the overall picture first, seeing where you want to end up, then you begin building piece by piece. Sometimes you try to fit a puzzle piece in the wrong spot. Oftentimes, you’ll think you’ve built a foundation only to realize later that although the piece fits, it isn’t where it belongs, making the picture look wonky and misshapen. Of course some pieces click into place automatically. Your eyes drift over the shapes and colours of your possibilities, and one sticks out, it’s clear as day where it goes. The more puzzles you do, the easier they become and you can move onto more complicated ones.
The line of progress will never be linear. Steps forward can often lead to steps taken back. James knows firsthand that kindness can frequently be repaid with disrespect and heartache. Does that mean you should give up? That you shouldn’t try? If anything James thinks it’s just more of a reason to keep trying. Trying to spread love and kindness into the world like a plague that leaves everyone better off. Planting the seeds for a better tomorrow.
“I’m in this.” Regulus says. James is pulled from his thoughts as he looks up at Regulus, their eyes meeting. With utter determination making its claim over Regulus’ features he says, “All the way.”
James feels overwhelmed with the urge to reach out and envelop Regulus in a hug. He holds back knowing that it isn’t what Regulus would want. Instead he looks down at his hands and fiddles with the hem of his shirt, rolling the fabric in between his fingers while smiling.
“James?” Regulus sounds tired.
“Yeah?”
“Why are you helping me? Besides feeling bad for me and my situation. I’m not denying your offer to help after how much I practically begged you, which was terrible for me by the way but I’m just too curious to not ask. So why? What are you getting out of this?”
That’s the question isn’t it? James could come up with a wide array of answers. He could say he’s getting a sense of fulfillment, that he feels that it is his moral duty to aid Regulus in his scheming, instead, as always, he says the truth. “Nothing. I’m not getting anything out of it I suppose.”
Regulus is taken aback and squints his eyes, quirks an eyebrow and tilts his head slightly, examining James like a piece of art with a hidden meaning. If he could glare a little harder he may uncover the truths that lie beneath. He’s digging for something that isn’t there. There is nothing James will get out of helping Regulus, he has no selfish motivations. He thinks Regulus has the capacity to be a good person and wants to help him try. Maybe it’s selfish to not wish eternal damnation upon someone but it doesn’t feel that way.
“Well then, I’ll just have to make sure that you get something out of this.” Regulus declares. “I’ll be indebted to you anyways but something to help even the scales.” He speaks as if because he has said the words, they must be true.
“I don’t think that’s how this works.” James lets out a weak laugh at the idea. Part of being a good person, which he will make sure to tell Regulus about, is not expecting things in return for the kind acts you do.
“I believe compromise is always possible when it comes to scheming with someone.” Regulus shifts and examines the many figurines adorning the side table next to the couch. He plucks one up at random and begins to fidget with it. Tracing the sides, feeling the smooth carving that has been sanded down and buffed. He pokes the top of the figurine which ends in sharp points over and over, seeming to enjoy the small pressure.
“Calling it scheming really isn’t helping here.” James presses his palm against his temple. The water is rushing behind his eyes again.
“There’s something I want from you and there’s something you want from me. If you’re willing to truly do this, to help me here, I am willing…” Regulus takes a deep breath, it seems hard for him to get the next words out, “I am willing to give you what you want out of this.”
James is confused. What he wants out of this? What does he want out of all of this? He just said he’s getting nothing in return and no part of him expected any different. If he truly thinks about it though, there are some things that he wants but he can’t expect Regulus to give them to him .
He wants to not get caught, to start. He wants to not have to lie. He wants to live out his afterlife peacefully. He wants his parents to tell him what he should do. He wants the roaring river that is flooding his mind to ease. He wants to go back on Earth before all of this. He wants to not be in this situation in the first place. Yet he knows that none of these things are possible.
He wants to avoid having Regulus go to the Bad Place. He wants Regulus to be safe. He wants to live with the knowledge that he did the best he could to do the right thing, whatever that may be, but he’s worried he’ll find out what the right thing is too late. These things he knows are possible. There is a chance some of them will come true but if they can’t he doesn’t know how he’ll be able to live with himself.
“What you want is simple,” Regulus declares, “It’s honesty.” Once again that tone, his word is law. “I know I’m asking you to lie but maybe me being completely honest with you can be our compromise. When things get hard, when you don’t know if you can do this, when it feels like there’s so much working against us, just ask me to be honest. There’s no one else here I’m going to be able to do it with anyways. Just say the word and I will tell you something that I have never told anyone before.” James can’t control the way his jaw drops as he stares at the man before him, taking in everything. He can feel the pounding of his heart against his ribcage. His breath is quickening. Isn’t this what he wanted?
Some part inside of him knew that this was it, this is what it came down to but he wasn’t able to pinpoint it until the words left Regulus’ mouth. He can’t undo what has been done, but he can try to make this easier. He can have a semblance of peace knowing that he is, in some way, doing the right thing. He’s trying so hard damn to do the right thing.
Then all at once, he can feel it, the silence. The resilient tidal wave in his mind has ceased. There is no movement. The ocean is steady. The waters are calm.
“I’d like that.” Is the response he manages to get out. Regulus smiles back at him. This smile is a little different from the ones he’s seen before. Nearly every time that he has smiled there is something ever so slightly off about it. James knows they’re fake, he’s had plenty of fake smiles himself to see the difference. This one however, it hangs on the edge of real, as if Regulus wants to give another small piece of himself over but is finding it difficult to. James will take what he can get in this moment, and he will relish in it.
“I can’t promise you that every question you ask me is one I’ll be able to answer, but I’ll try my best to give you something.” Regulus takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry but that has to be enough.” Regulus stares James in the eyes. A plea, a cry for help. It's felt in the air surrounding them, an embrace of hope that this may just be enough.
“That’s more than enough.” That’s everything.
Regulus nods slightly, his body deflates against the couch as the weight of doing this all alone has finally eased from him. He rocks his neck from side to side, cracking it. His eyes are closed, not out of drowsiness but from tiredness, a mental drain that has taken hold, and they’re not done yet. “If we are in a situation where you’re struggling” Regulus says, “we need to think of a way for you to communicate that you need me to take over. That way I can do the lying if necessary and get us out of there.”
“Like a codeword?” James proposes.
“Yeah I suppose that could work. Something that can be eased into conversation or pointed out.”
James looks around the room for something that would fit this description. He could mention a philosopher maybe, he knows plenty of ways to ease those into conversation. Maybe a book or film that he likes? That wouldn’t work because then if he gets a chance to talk about it naturally Regulus may take it as a cry for help. Something that is versatile enough to be brought into conversation but uncommon enough that it wouldn’t get brought up accidentally…
Regulus looks back down at the small figurine he’s still holding. He’s brushing the stomach of the animal with the pads of his thumbs, moving in a rhythmic motion from the chest of the animal down to the hind legs. His index fingers tapping the points of the antlers. A smirk makes its way across his face as he looks up and meets James’ eyes. “Prongs.”
Notes:
I love how this chapter came out.
If you're wondering what the others are up to (Sirius, Remus, Barty Evan) fear not they are all coming in due time.
Chapter 4: Scatter the Seeds
Chapter Text
Kind words cost no more than unkind ones…and we may scatter the seeds of courtesy and kindliness around us at so little expense. - Jeremy Bentham
***
“I won’t go to Evan but I will not help you in keeping your secret. You’re not worth it.”
James’ words play on loop in Regulus’ mind. He could deal with James saying that Regulus would never be a good person, that was easy enough to accept, but going as far as to say Regulus wasn’t even worth it? It was a knife plunged into his chest. The moment he saw rage flicker into James’ face he knew how badly he had messed up. The guilt of what he had done rang in him, panging over and over again. Days later and it still hasn’t fully left him yet.
“The line goes, Socrates was Plato’s teacher, Plato was Aristotle’s teacher and Aristotle was Alexander the Great’s teacher. Although, I don’t think he was paying much attention in class.” James slightly chuckles at himself and Regulus is snapped into the present. He looks at the whiteboard James stands in front of and then down at his notebook and pen. He hasn’t written anything yet, nothing James has said has seemed important enough to note.
There are boxes around Regulus’ living room containing a few of James’ personal belongings. The boxes come in various sizes placed in all of the different rooms in which they belong. James’ clothes and the like are currently sitting in the spare bedroom, far away from Regulus’ own room. They decided that it was going to be safest if James moved into Regulus’ house so they could play up the soulmate act. They can also have lessons in private and people will think that they just enjoy each other’s company so much that they barely leave the house.
It’s day two of their ethics lessons. Day one was James going over a syllabus he had created outlining all of the philosophers they would be going over and books he would be requiring Regulus to read. Regulus is already having trouble paying attention. He never struggled with school when he had private tutors but he has never carried a weight like the one he holds now.
James looks over at Regulus and sees his lack of focus. “Regulus,” He sighs, “Remember, you have to be willing to do this in order for it to work. These things may not seem that important but they help you better understand the context of the ideas. Our teachers are some of the greatest influences we have in life and it’s these people that are going to help you.”
Regulus smirks, “Are you saying you’re the greatest influence in my life?”
James smiles, “Nice try but currently I am the greatest influence in your life. Now, I can see from here that your paper is blank. Write down what’s on the board.”
Regulus sighs and goes to do what he’s told.
Just as he’s finishing writing down the last ‘t’ of ‘Great’ there is a knock on the front door. Regulus meets James’ eyes in a panic. “Just a second!” Regulus yells.
James jumps and flips the whiteboard over so the lesson is hidden. Regulus shoves his notebook into the stack of philosophy books on the coffee table, hoping that it blends in enough to not be noticable. James is the one to answer the door.
“Barty!” James preens. “It’s good to see you.”
Regulus walks up carefully behind James and scoffs, and then realizing what he’d just done puts a smile on his face as he greets Barty as well. “What brings you here?”
Barty, dressed in black jeans and a tight black t-shirt, sways with his hands in his pockets. “I came by to see if you’d like to hang out today? I found out there’s an arcade in town and wanted to check it out.”
“One moment Barty,” Regulus holds up a finger before slamming the front door shut. He turns to James and jabs him in the front. “No! No more spending time with him. He’s up to something and I think he’s suspicious of me. You can’t be alone with him.”
James tilts his head, eyes squinted, the ‘You can’t be serious right now’ look. “I believe he invited both of us.”
Regulus doesn’t hold back the scoff this time, crossing his arms. “As if I would want to spend my time around him.”
“Regulus,” James says, “need I remind you that you are trying to be a good person. Being around other good people can help that. Give him a chance. You don’t even know the guy yet and you’re already judging him. If for nothing else, do it for me.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but loosens his shoulders as his arms fall to his sides. “Fine. For one hour we will go to this arcade thing and then we’re leaving. Both of us.”
“Good enough for me!” James smiles. They open the door back up, James begins speaking before they have a view of the other side, “We would be happy to-”
James stops talking and Regulus freezes in place. Barty is no longer alone, Evan is there with him. Regulus can feel James going rigid beside him. James’ smile doesn’t falter.
“James!” Evan says, “Just the man I was looking for. I wanted to ask you if you’d be willing to spend a few hours with me? I have a project that I could use your assistance on.”
“Of course!” James responds without hesitating.
Once again Regulus holds up a finger to the two men and shuts the door quickly. “What are you thinking!” He snaps at James.
James crosses his arms and looks down at Regulus, “What am I supposed to do? Say no? What validly good reason could I have for that? Oh sorry can’t hang out today Evan. My fake soulmate and I have to try and convince our neighbors that he belongs here and he doesn’t trust me to be off on my own! Maybe next time! And stop slamming the door on people! It's rude!”
“Are you sure you can be safe?” Regulus asks, completely ignoring James' last bit. James was right, Regulus doesn’t trust him on his own, especially with Evan. “He didn’t ask for me so I can’t help you if you need it.”
James reaches out and places his hands on Regulus’ shoulders. “I will be fine. It’s one day. You go spend the day with Barty. Work on playing the field from that angle. I could use this as an opportunity to make sure Evan doesn’t think anything negative of you if that helps.”
“No, no it’s fine” Regulus responds. “It’s probably best that you try to keep me out of conversation so close to the trash storm.”
“I told you Reg. As long as you’re in this, so am I. All the way.” James offers a small smile which helps ease Regulus a little bit.
Regulus readjusts his face to a bright smile and opens the door to find four eyes staring back at him. “Sorry about that Evan, had to have a word with my lover before I let him loose.” He lets out a small laugh and tries to play it off as a joke, one that Evan and Barty both seem to buy.
“Excellent!” Evan claps his hands together, “We best be off then.” He turns around and begins walking away without looking back. James gives Regulus one last look and smile before following after. Regulus watches as he goes.
Barty clears his throat, drawing Regulus’ attention back to the man before him. “So…” Barty says. “The arcade?”
Regulus contemplates for a moment. James is no longer here to make him go with Barty, but he promised to be honest to James from now on. If James asks him how his day with Barty went he would have to tell him he blew it off, and most likely face James being angry at him again. In the end he decides that he can handle an hour or two alone with Barty, plus, there’s bound to be lots of other people at an arcade.
Regulus nods and walks out the door following Barty into the neighborhood. It doesn’t take long for them to reach the neighborhood square despite not saying anything to one another. As they go Barty says hello to every neighbor they pass. He greets them all by name, asks them about their soulmates and how they’re enjoying the neighborhood. Regulus assumes he must have met most of them at the welcome party.
They continue walking through the neighborhood until they have reached the other side of the main hub. Within another set of winding cobblestone streets ‘The Good Plays’ sits nestled between a pizza shop and an apartment.
The outside of the building blends in perfectly with all of the others, one that wouldn’t be noticed if it weren’t for the glowing red neon sign with the name of the arcade plastered above the golden awning. Together they walk inside.
~*~
James follows after Evan, hoping beyond everything that today is going to work out for both Regulus and himself. After all of the time he’s spent with Barty he knows the kind of person Barty is, but he’s also fully aware that Regulus thinks otherwise. Regulus needs to be able to keep himself in check if he’s going to be spending the next hour with Barty. He trusts Regulus to not give himself away, what he doesn’t trust is Regulus not pushing Barty over the edge.
While Regulus sits in the back of his mind, he tries to focus on what his own day is about to entail. Spending time with Evan should be fine as long as Regulus doesn’t get brought up. Regulus won’t be here to get James out of a situation he can’t handle himself. Luckily they haven’t had to use their codeword yet, but he doesn’t imagine that they can go much longer without needing it. James isn’t sure he can lie on his own, and even if he could, he doesn’t know what he would say.
Evan keeps walking with James trailing behind him. They don’t speak to each other fortunately but it’s not uncomfortable. James uses the time to take in bits of the neighborhood. Although he imagined they would be going to Evan’s office, he’s surprised to see Evan heading for the forest instead. Eventually he can’t keep to himself anymore, the curiosity getting the better of him, so he asks, “Evan? Where are we going?”
“Not too much farther James. Fear not, with me you’re always in good hands.” Evan says. It hadn’t occurred to James to be scared as they made their way deeper into the forest, the light slowly seeping from his view. Now, he’s slightly concerned. Evan would never put him in any danger and there shouldn’t be anything that would cause him harm anyways, so why the comment?
Soon Evan stops when they reach the edge of a cliff. The trees have parted around a small wooden bench, covered in sunlight and looking out beyond the neighborhood. James sees an endless river from the lake that leads far beyond. A few scattered clouds sit against the baby blue of the sky. The sun is nearing its peak, offering a caress of heat against James' skin, just enough to warm him. He breathes it all in, the beauty of his new life.
When he turns around he sees Evan sitting on the bench. James takes a seat next to him. They spend some time just enjoying each other’s company. James feels a tickle of anxiety making its way through his mind regarding why they’re here, but he tries to push it away.
“James,” Evan begins, “I know I said that I had a project today but I may have extended the definition of that word. I’ve been looking through your file of who you were on Earth.” Evan lets out a small chuckle, “You didn’t get out much did you?”
James takes his gaze away from the ravine and decides his hands are far more interesting. He fiddles with his fingers, trying to figure out what this is all about.
On Earth he spent the majority of his life in a small state of panic about those he loved. He was either at home studying, at school working, or with his friends and family behind closed doors, where nothing could harm them. He didn’t travel, never exploring beyond his hometown until he moved for university. Even then, he chose a school close to home to be near his parents and all he had ever known.
It wasn’t the idea of experiencing new things that terrified him. It was the fear that something would happen to someone he cared about and he wouldn’t be close enough to be able to do anything about it. After his parents had passed he still never ventured. A pressing feeling of being needed where he was always encapsulating him.
He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with choosing to live this way. He knew his place in the world and he was quite content to remain in the bubble for as long as he did.
“Yeah,” He tries to laugh but it comes out slightly choked. “I guess I never really did.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that James.” Evan says. Evan puts a hand on James' knee, a comforting gesture, something to ground him. James wants to push it away. “I think it would do you well, while you are here, to experience some new things. You spent your life revolving all of your thoughts and actions around philosophy in order to help your loved ones and yourself, but that’s not needed here. Everything’s been answered! And for the things you don’t know, Remus can help out.”
The thought of the key component of his life not mattering anymore is startling. Everything he ever worked towards, everything he tried to build, the minds he tried to sculpt…. In an afterlife the questions have been answered or they simply don’t matter. The people around him are good, they act in virtuous ways, and they’re all reaping their rewards for the lives they lived. So, what’s the point? What would the point be to continue to care? The longer he tries to come up with an answer, the more lost he feels.
Soon enough, one name comes to mind, Regulus. Evan doesn’t know of course but Regulus needs James’ help. Regulus needs him in order to survive in a place of bliss. James is still helpful, he can still care about these things because Regulus needs him to. If James is good at his job though, it won’t be long before Regulus doesn’t. What will he do then? Give it all up?
“I suppose so.” James says. He has to play this right, Evan can’t know that James is still needed, but James could also use some practice for what he’s going to do after Regulus is done with him. “Did you have anything in mind?”
Evan gestures out into the world, “This neighborhood goes for thousands of miles James. This was the first thing I thought to show you, all that is awaiting.”
James looks out again and tries to take in the beauty, but this time what he sees are not the trees skyrocketing from the ground. He doesn’t feel the slight humidity from the water down below cooling his skin. He doesn’t hear the birds singing, providing a background noise for it all. All he sees is the emptiness, the lack of people, of laughter, of smiles. He sees the lack of the things that he knows to bring him joy. Perhaps that‘s the point Evan is trying to make, to get James to see that he could learn to love these aspects of the world too. James' life has always revolved around those he loves and cares for, he’s not use to the idea of a world where they’re so far away and he’s still happy.
James feels a prickle in his eyes so he looks back down at his hands. He tries to say something, anything that will help ease the tension he feels but he comes up blank.
“James?” Evan turns fully towards him, “I meant what I said, I think that this could be very good for you. Getting out, and experiencing things on your own. I think we could start with you and I doing some things together away from town, to build your confidence in it, and then slowly you can do it on your own.”
James considers this idea. He could use the practice of being on his own but the idea of spending time far away from Regulus, not knowing if his fake-soulmate is safe, fills him with dread. As much as he hates it, he can’t think of an honest reason as to why he would decline the offer. He sees no other alternative than to accept. He tries to steal himself away as he nods his head and manages to say, “Okay.”
Evan smiles widely showing all his teeth. If one good thing can come of this, he can at least make Evan happy. James tries to return the smile, but he is sure he looks unconvincing.
This day is about to be so much harder than he thought.
~*~
The inside of the arcade is alight with colors. It’s dimly lit, the glow of neon signage bounces off the dark carpeting. A snack bar is found in the back of the building with a path of different old-school arcade machines carving the way. Regulus sees skee-ball machines lining one wall and basketball games lining another. The smell of popcorn and grease fills the air as his eyes wander. Most importantly Regulus sees, no one else is fucking here! There is no chattering of people, no feet dragging along the carpet, no jingles or chimes or obnoxious buzzers from games being played. He and Barty are all alone.
With a sigh of defeat Regulus lets Barty lead him further into the arcade. Regulus’ ideal situation was that there would be enough people here that he wouldn’t have to speak to Barty or at the very least they could make minimal small talk. With no one else around to distract them from each other, Regulus realizes he’s going to have to suck it up and actually do as James asked. He’s going to have to get to know Barty. As if he hasn’t already seen through the facade and doesn’t know the man already.
If Regulus is going to do this he can look on the brightside. He will use this as an opportunity to get Barty to admit to his secrets. James doesn’t believe Regulus when he says that Barty came from money and this is all an act? Well he’ll get the truth out of Barty one way or another, even if it means playing nice.
“Anything interesting to you?” Barty asks him. He doesn’t look at Regulus but takes in all of the options before them.
Regulus was never allowed to go to places like arcades as a kid and would put a lot of money on the idea that Barty wasn’t either so he responds, “Wherever you’d like to start is good with me.”
“I’ve always wanted to try one of those claw machines but that’s more of a one player thing. How about something classic to start? Pac-man? I think you can do that with two players.” Barty points over at a machine near the end of the aisle. Regulus nods as a response and they walk over side by side.
Although Regulus was never allowed in an arcade he is aware of Pac-man…even if he doesn’t actually know anything about how to play it. He musters up a bit of courage when he asks, “So, how do you play again? It’s been a while.”
Barty doesn’t degrade him by laughing but he does look a little surprised. “Oh well you have the joystick here that moves around your character. It’s set up as a maze where you have to collect all of these little white dots while ghosts are chasing you. If a ghost gets you, you die. If you eat one of the fruits the ghosts will all turn blue and you can eat them.”
Regulus nods. “Get the dots, avoid the ghosts. Easy enough.”
Barty presses start on the game, selects two players, and grabs one of the joysticks. When Regulus grabs the one right next to him he becomes aware of how small the machine actually is. He’s shoulder to shoulder with Barty and there’s no room to give any space between them.
Turns out that no matter how easy the game seemed in concept, it is way harder than Regulus thought. He keeps dying first and has to watch as Barty finishes the levels by himself. Eventually when both of their characters are eaten by ghosts he quickly points out a different game and walks away before Barty can say anything else.
He’s not sure what he picked until he’s in front of the machine. Luckily this time there’s a small bit of instruction written on the side that he’s able to read before Barty makes his way over. It’s a game of timing and chance. He’s standing over a dome that covers lights set up in a circular fashion. Each light is sitting on the wide end of a colourful wedge. The game will start and the light will travel in a loop. The goal of the game is to press a button when the light is shining on the Winner wedge.
Regulus suggests Barty tries the game out first and is pleased when he isn’t able to win on his first try. Regulus steps up to the button and watches the light make its way around the dome, trying to track the pattern and speed. On its sixth loop he slams on the button, missing the light by one wedge. The two go back and forth taking turns for a few minutes. On Barty’s fifth try, the game shines a bright green and plays a buzzer sound when Barty makes the light stop on Winner .
“These games are all stupid. They’re clearly all games of chance.” Regulus says. He crosses his arms over his chest and glares at the machines around them.
Barty lets out a laugh, “How about something where you win on skill instead?” Barty cocks an eyebrow.
Regulus narrows his eyes as he asks, “What do you have in mind?” In response Barty grabs him by the wrist and drags him to the far wall with the basketball games. Regulus remembers that Barty mentioned there being a basketball court at his house. What Barty doesn’t know though is that Regulus spent hours of his childhood in his brother’s room. On the back of Sirius’ door was a small net that they would take turns throwing a miniature basketball in. His record was sixteen shots in a row without misses from the far end of the bedroom.
Regulus grabs one of the basketballs and tries to get familiar with the weight in his hands. After a moment he tosses the ball, making it fall through the hoop without touching any part of the rim. The cocky smile on Barty’s face immediately falls. Barty moves to the hoop next to Regulus and smirks, “You’re on. Best score out of three games wins.”
“Bring it.” Regulus makes no hesitation when he grabs the next basketball and throws it towards the net, another perfect shot. He can hear Barty next to him trying to move as quickly as possible but Regulus being shorter has its advantage in this moment. He’s able to grab the balls quicker after throwing them.
Both men are so immersed in their own games, when the buzzer sounds, they both flinch, not at the noise but at the cheering that follows. Regulus turns around to see a man with mousy brown hair, just a tad shorter than Regulus himself. He has on a pair of cargo shorts and an oversized t-shirt that hides his frame. With the brunette is a slightly taller man with blonde hair and blue eyes. He’s wearing shorts as well but has his polo shirt tucked inside them.
“That was a great game!” The taller one says. He must notice Regulus’ confusion because he holds out his hand as he says, “Gilderoy Lockhart. I’ve been wanting to meet you since that speech you gave at the opening night party.”
“Gil!” Barty exclaims. “It’s great to see you again buddy.” He reaches out, ignoring the hand that was ready to shake Regulus’ and pats Gilderoy on the shoulder. Barty turns to the brunette next. “You must be Peter. Gil told me a bit about you but it’s nice to have a face with the name.”
“Peter Pettigrew.” He says. When he reaches his hand out to shake Regulus’, he does take it this time and gives a firm shake.
“Regulus. Are you two soulmates then?” Regulus asks.
Peter nods. “Sure thing. We live in town near the cheese shop, The Gouda Place.” Pete laughs slightly, “They really came up with some stupid names for some of these places. Gil met Barty at the party but I was chatting with some other people at the time so I didn’t get the chance.”
“Hey Barty, do you mind if I pull you aside for a second?” GIlderoy asks. Barty nods his reply and the two head over to the next row of machines where they can talk privately. As Gilderoy walks by, Regulus can’t help but stand up a bit straighter as his senses are attacked.
“I know right?” Peter says.
“What was that?” Regulus asks, not even slightly surprised Peter knows exactly what he’s talking about.
“I don’t know. He tells me it’s his ‘natural scent’ but it’s so strong. I think it’s some kind of citrus. I’m hoping eventually I’ll be able to get it out of him.” Peter smirks, “He just needs some convincing if you know what I mean.”
Regulus hums in agreement. The two men stand in silence as they wait for their counterparts to return. When they do, it’s Peter that suggests they all go try out skee-ball. The four men head over to the game and each take a spot. Regulus stands on the far end next to Barty, Peter next to him, and Gilderoy farthest.
They try to make it a competition but it quickly leads to everyone trying to aim for the coveted 10,000 point hole and each of them failing spectacularly at actually making it in. After three rounds, each man has the lowest score possible on the machine they stand in front of. Together they move to different games and machines, taking turns or playing together, making their own game of trying to see who can score the lowest on each.
They smile and make jokes with one another, laughing together as Barty somehow accidentally beats the high score on a game he said he’s never even played before. Regulus catches himself in a moment of genuinely smiling. He realizes that it’s not forced, it came naturally and he’s having…fun? A part of him feels like he can relax in this moment, he can enjoy himself doing something he never would have been allowed to do as a kid.
Eventually Gilderoy and Peter say that they have somewhere they are needed and head off. Barty suggests to Regulus that they go to the snack bar for a small break. When Regulus looks at the time he realizes three hours have passed since he left the house. All of a sudden the exhaustion of the day sweeps over him.
Barty grabs a small plate of popcorn, a soft pretzel and two water bottles from the snack bar. They walk over to a picnic style table and sit across from one another on the uncomfortable benches. After a few bites of food and sips of water Regulus remembers his plan to figure out as much about Barty as possible.
“So,” Regulus starts off, “I can’t help but notice you never really seem to be around Sirius.”
Barty stops mid drink and sets his bottle of water down on the table. He hesitates before speaking, “We’ve been having a…tough time I guess you could call it.” Barty swallows a lump in his throat. “We aren’t really bonding that well. I think we just have different interests and it’s hard finding common ground.”
Regulus immediately regrets asking about this subject. He was hoping for something closer to the lines of Barty really hates Sirius, which would prove that Barty is a terrible human being. He wasn’t expecting the sad look in Barty’s eyes as he talks about his soulmate.
“Oh. I’m sure you don’t want to talk about it then. Sorry I brought it up.” Regulus tries to quickly think of another point of conversation but isn’t able to think fast enough before Barty responds.
“No it’s okay. It’s nice to talk about it with someone. Thank you. I think that if we could just find something in common or if I could do something to show him that I care about making this work, that we could start really building something special. He’s such a good guy and he’s so hot-”
“Cats!” Regulus blurts out. It’s the first thing that came to his mind and he can’t just sit here while Barty talks about Sirius like that. Barty looks up at Regulus confused. “He seems like the kind of person who would really like cats. I think I heard him talking to James about it at one point. Maybe you could do something with that.”
“You think so?” Barty asks. Regulus doesn’t trust his words so he nods twice quickly then shoves some bits of popcorn into his mouth.
They sit in silence for a bit longer, taking small bites of food and sips of water. Regulus fidgets with the rings on his fingers as he tries to find the most tactful way to bring up what he wants to ask. Fortunately Barty beats him to it.
“You didn’t grow up going to places like this, did you?” Barty asks. He tilts his head slightly and examines Regulus. Regulus feels the weight of his gaze, the pressure behind the question. He contemplates how his new persona would answer and in the end he decides that it was just too obvious to lie about.
“No, I never really liked doing this kind of stuff. How about you though?”
“Well I…” Barty pauses, trying to find the words to say. Regulus understands the hesitation as Barty trying to come up with a lie. He’s not surprised when Barty responds, “My father kept our money tied up so mum and I weren’t able to go out and do stuff like this when I was a kid.”
Regulus sees this for what it is. Barty is playing the poor-card. No funds for going to the arcade. He tries to push a little further, seeing if he can break Barty down, “Coming from a family without money must-”
“I didn’t say that.” Barty interrupts.
Regulus squints, confused, “What?”
“My family had money. Loads in fact. More than we could possibly ever know what to do with.” Regulus feels his eyes growing. It seems like Barty is telling the truth but none of it is making any sense. “Just because a family has money” Barty continues, “doesn’t mean that they allow their kids access to it. My father was the one who worked and he gave mum a small allowance for things like groceries but never any luxuries. He wasn’t really one for sharing. He wouldn’t even spare extra cash on getting mum the high end medicine that she needed, saying she could live with the cheaper stuff.”
“But you-you” Regulus stumbles over his words. He’s trying to make the pieces fall together but the picture is so blurry. “The way you dress, the comments about your house being like nothing you ever thought you’d get to live in-”
“All true things. I like dressing this way, it’s pretty much how I always have. We had a small house all my life. I just don’t like to talk about it?” Barty says it like it’s a question. He’s confused as to why Regulus is confused. “It feels unnecessary to bring up things like money, especially in a place like this. We’re all dead so what does it matter anyways?”
This can’t possibly be right. Regulus was so sure he had Barty figured out. There has to be more to it, this can’t be all that it is. Regulus thinks back to a conversation he had with James during the opening night party.
“What did you do for work?” He asks. Barty’s whole body flinches backwards, the whiplash of a sudden conversation change.
“My father founded a charity,” He hesitates, “and I worked for him. I mainly would bring together donors and find clients that needed aid from us.”
Okay so this must be it. If Barty worked for a charity under his controlling father who never let him have access to actual money he must have been jealous. He must have been so angry at his father for putting him through that. Watching as his father spent his money on himself and hoarded the rest, not even willing to give his wife anything more than to cover groceries and cheap medicine.
“Did you ever take a little for yourself?” Regulus says it like it could be a joke, he’s trying to make light of the idea, “Lots of money moving around like that. It must have been pretty tempting to try and take some to take care of your mum and yourself.”
Barty jolts up out of his seat. “What the hell is wrong with you? I would never!” Barty quickly makes his way out of the arcade, slamming the front door behind him without looking back. Regulus sits alone, still at the table, back hurting from the uncomfortable bench. His mouth tastes stale and the sudden silence is overwhelming.
He went through this just a few days ago but that time it had been with James. Although James isn’t here now, Regulus can feel his scrutinizing glare from across the neighborhood. He’d be so disappointed. The whole point of him coming out with Barty was supposed to be to make sure that Barty didn’t think anything negative about him. He’s gone and blown it all up. It’s the second person he's enraged this week, he’s approaching a new personal record.
Regulus puts his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. He breathes in and out over and over again trying to work through the thoughts that are bombarding his mind. Why did he say that? How is he going to fix this? Can he even fix it? What is James going to think?
~*~
James and Evan walk back through the forest the way that they came. They are once again not speaking, this time, the silence is due to a weight that hangs heavy between them. Although James agreed to spend more time with Evan and eventually spending time out on his own, he’s already thinking of possible ways to get out of it. Each solution he comes up with has one commonality, they involve a lie. No plan will work. He can feel the return of the trickle of pain in his mind as the minutes tick by.
The way back into town seems to take longer than it did to get to the cliff. It feels like hours before they return to the town square. Once they do, Evan asks James to continue to follow him. James does without a word.
The two men find themselves in Evan’s office. James takes a seat in front of the desk while Evan sits in his own chair behind it. Evan reaches into a desk drawer and pulls out a folder. The folder is surprisingly thin, containing only a few pages. It takes Evan only a moment to find the document he is looking for.
“This file is about the relationships you’ve had in your life. As you can see, there’s not much to it.” The corner of Evan’s mouth upticks in a sympathetic smile. “So much of your life revolved around so few people but they were your whole life.”
James isn’t sure how to respond, or if he’s even supposed to, so instead of saying anything, he opts for silence and a small nod. He wants this to all be over, to go back home to his books and his lessons with Regulus. He wonders briefly how Regulus is handling Barty, or more accurately how Barty is handling Regulus.
“I wanted to go over a few things with you if that’s alright?” Evan says. James nods his head once again, a gesture for Evan to continue, “I see no romantic relationships while you were on Earth. No partners at all, with the exception of a boyfriend when you were fifteen but I don’t think su-humans count those relationships that often. You had a few very close friends and you were of course extremely close with your parents all the way up until their passing.”
James doesn’t see the point of having his relationships both platonic and romantic laid bare and scrutinized before him. The relationship he had when he was fifteen hurt enough in the aftermath that he would have counted it as his first and only, if he hadn’t found out that it was entirely one-sided. Other than that all of the information is correct. He had two close friends that are alive and well as far as he knows. As for his relationship with his parents, close is definitely an understatement, they were his best friends.
“So I wanted to ask you how you’re faring with being here and making friends.” Evan says. “I know it’s only been a few days and although you seem to be getting along with Regulus quite well, I just want to make sure you’re branching out beyond him.”
James’ first thought is that none of this is Evan’s business. His second thought is how after six days here he has had one conversation with Sirius, and one lunch with Barty. Other than those two interactions he hasn’t really talked to anyone else. Yes, he did talk to lots of other people at the welcoming party but nothing beyond small talk and a promise to meet up again in the future. The majority of his time he has either spent with Regulus or alone, thinking about how to help Regulus.
“I’ve been connecting with our neighbors, Barty and Sirius.” James settles on. He has connected with both of the men and he had already intended on doing so more. It’s up to Evan how he wants to interpret the strength and length of those connections.
James doesn’t feel like having his friendships looked at with a microscope. He understands that Evan’s intentions here are good, trying to get him to both branch out and be at peace with being alone but it all feels so rushed. It’s too soon since he died to be dragging all of this up. He doesn’t see what’s wrong with living as he has been and why he must change. If he’s content with how things are, what’s wrong with that?
“That’s good James.” Evan smiles at him again. A small piece of James wishes that Evan wasn’t so happy all the time. “As to my plan for you; I believe you going out and interacting with friends will suffice for now, if that’s something you’re up to. Spend the next few weeks doing just that. Once you feel comfortable there, you and I will find some things to do together. Near the end I will leave so you can be by yourself and as time goes on I will leave sooner and sooner. This way you can slowly adjust to being off in the world with no one else. Does that sound okay?”
It sounds like the exact opposite of the way he’s lived his entire life and he’s not sure that he can spend multiple hours away from people by himself is what it sounds like. Rather than saying that James responds with, “That should be fine.”
“Wonderful!” Evan returns the papers into the folder and places it back into his desk. “I encourage you to reach out to me if you ever need anything, and to keep me updated on your progress. I think that this will be very good for you in the long run even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”
James gives Evan his thanks and stands to leave. Evan gives a satisfied hum as he returns to his desk and begins taking out other paperwork that James isn’t able to identify. James exits the office and makes the long walk home.
~*~
Regulus returns home to find James on the couch, seemingly waiting for him. James' head is in his hands and when he looks up he gives a small wave.
“Hey” James breathes out. He looks as tired as Regulus feels.
“Hey…” Regulus hesitates. He could just go to his room, say that he’s tired and needs a nap, which is somewhat true but he knows James is going to ask him about his day, and he’s going to have to tell the truth. It’s better to get it all over with now than wait it out. “How was your day with Evan?” He asks instead.
James sighs. He takes a moment and rubs his face with the palms of his hands. He drops his hands into his lap. Looking defeated he asks, “It was a lot…Do you think I’m a good teacher?”
Regulus is taken aback by the question. Of all of the things he thought James was going to ask him, this wasn’t one of them. He moves closer to James, concerned, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch, “Of course. Is this about our lesson this morning? Are you alright?”
“No, not the lesson.” James adjusts himself so his feet are on the couch, nearly touching Regulus. He’s curled up, wrapping his arms around his legs, chin resting on his knees. “Evan and I did a lot of talking and it made me question some things. He didn’t bring you up at all so don’t worry about that.”
That didn’t even come to mind for Regulus as something he needed to worry about when James said his day was a lot. His first thought was to make sure that he wasn’t the reason James was questioning himself, and his second thought was to make sure James was okay. Maybe he is learning something after all.
“I don’t care about that.” Regulus says, “Well I care to an extent but clearly something’s wrong beyond that. Talk to me.”
“I spent my whole life taking care of the people I loved. I studied philosophy as a way to take care of them even more. Evan essentially told me that none of it matters anymore and I should give it up.”
Regulus pauses, taking a moment to grasp what James is saying. He can understand why Evan said what he did but James knows that it’s not true. Regulus needs him to know that it matters because James is his ticket to earning his place here. This isn’t about Regulus though. This is about James and how his life view is being altered. Despite whatever Regulus’ opinions are on the matter, he promised James he would always be honest with him.
“I can’t really imagine what that must feel like. I can say though from my perspective you care about this stuff more than I have ever seen anyone care about philosophy before. Even if it didn’t matter it’s still something that’s important to you. Just because one person's opinion, even if it is some all-knowing angel, says otherwise, that fact doesn’t change. You care so you study and you think, and you pass your knowledge on. Plenty of people care about things that don’t matter to the extent this stuff does. In my opinion, you are an excellent teacher and I think just being around you has already started to change my perception of some things. It matters because it’s important to you.”
James gives a weak smile. “Thanks.” James clears his throat before saying, “I’ll figure it all out. Thank you though, really. How was your day with Barty?”
Regulus decides to start with the beginning and work his way up to his disaster. No more lying, not when it comes to James. “It started off kind of awkward. We didn’t really talk to each other.”
James sighs, “Reg-”
“No, no. Not like that.” Regulus interrupts. “Once we actually got to the arcade, things went kind of…really well?” James perks up at this. He drops his arms from around his legs, sits with his legs folded over one another and leans forward. Regulus continues, “Don’t get me wrong it was god-awful at first. Then some other people showed up, Peter and Gilderoy?”
“Oh yeah I met Peter at the party and he mentioned Gil. Nice guy.”
“Yeah so…we played some games with them for a while. We chatted for a bit here and there. Overall it went well. Then eventually Pete and Gil had to leave…” Regulus pauses, trying to figure out how to say the next part of the story without James getting angry at him. He’s unsure as to how James is taking his hesitation. James looks at him, waiting for him to continue.
“After they left Barty and I got some food. We talked for a bit. He said some things. I said some things. Then Barty left.”
“What kind of things?” James asks curiously. He doesn’t sound mad yet which is a great start. Regulus hopes that doesn’t change too quickly. He doesn’t want a repeat of the day of the trash storm.
“I learned about what he did for work. His father founded a charity. Did you know that?”
“Regulus.” James' voice cuts with the beginnings of impatience.
Regulus sighs and drops his gaze to his lap. He’s never had trouble with this kind of stuff before. Why is it so different with James? It must have to do with telling the truth. He can be tactful and manipulative, saying things with his full chest if they’re all lies. Lies are so much easier to tell than the truth. Why won’t James let Regulus lie to him? This would all be much simpler that way.
“I asked Barty if he ever skimmed money from the charity.” He says. He’s still looking down at his hands so he doesn’t have to meet James’ gaze.
“Will you look at me please?” James doesn’t sound mad, but Regulus isn’t fully sure he can trust that. Slowly he looks up and meets James’ eyes. “Thank you.” James says, “Do you realize why that was not a good thing to do?”
“Yes James, I'm not a child.” He snaps back. Why isn’t James mad at him? He should be furious. If he won’t be mad, Regulus will be mad enough for the both of them.
“Good. That’s step one.” James says, voice calm and relaxed. “Do you feel bad about it?”
Regulus wants badly to look back down. Instead he keeps James in his eyeline. He looks right at his face when he grits through his teeth, “Yes.”
“Then this is progress. I will never be upset at you for making progress.” James declares.
Regulus flinches back, “Wait what?” He voices his thoughts out loud, “Why aren’t you mad at me?”
“Because,” James looks right into Regulus' eyes as he speaks, “When you caused the trash storm and I left, you still didn’t realize that what you did was wrong and you didn’t feel bad about it.” Regulus goes to object but James holds up a hand cutting off what he was about to say, “You may have felt bad for making me upset but you didn’t feel bad about what you did, the action itself. That didn’t come until later that night. This time though, you did something wrong and you immediately realized what you did and felt guilt. That is progress. Am I stretching or is that what happened?”
“Pretty much nailed it.” Regulus crosses his arms against his chest, hoping to keep intact his last bit of dignity he has from this whole situation.
“Great. Now do you know what part comes next?”
“It’s not the same as the storm James. I can’t go and clean up the mess I made.”
James reaches out and puts a hand on Regulus’ knee. “Yes you can. Go apologize to him. He doesn’t have to accept it but you have to apologize. It’s up to him to forgive you for it but if you apologize and mean it, then you’ve done what you can.” The corner of James’ mouth upturns into a small smile.
“Fine.” Regulus mumbles as he stands up. He turns back to James, “Don’t think we’re done with your thing though. You’re not getting out of this either.”
James lets out a little laugh and gestures for Regulus to get going. It only takes about five minutes for Regulus to walk to his nearest neighbors house. When he actually approaches the door he hesitates. Apologizing to Barty is going to be the easy part. If Sirius answers the door though, he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do in that situation. He’s been so careful to not run into his brother the past few days, even if he knows it’s inevitable, especially with how much it seems Barty wants to be friends.
With a silent prayer he knocks on the front door. He waits a minute, and then two, but nobody answers. He’s sure that Barty would have come straight home after their tiff. He tries again, but still no answer. He tries the doorknob and at this point he’s not even really surprised to find it’s unlocked. He lets himself into the house.
The inside is just like it was during the party, minus the crowds of people. Dark wood and stone with golden decor pieces line his way. He hears music playing in the distance, something classical, and follows his ears. Eventually he comes across a room with sounds of a piano seeping out with the ajar door. He knocks quietly but gets no response. He pushes the door and sees Barty sitting on the floor with a ball of black fur in front of him.
Regulus clears his throat in an attempt to get Barty’s attention but finds that he can’t do it quite loud enough to get past the music. “Hi.” He says instead.
Barty looks up but when he sees Regulus he looks back down at the kitten. Barty strokes her fur as he speaks, “Have you come to make other accusations against me?”
Regulus walks further into the room, “No. I’ve come to apologize.” He takes a seat on the floor next to Barty.
“Alright,” Barty turns to face him, “On with it then.”
Regulus should have prepared at least a little bit of a speech beforehand. He tries to think of what James would say, “What I said was wrong. I shouldn't have said it but I did and I’m sorry that I did. You are a good person and whether or not I said it as a joke or seriously, it wasn’t my place to make that kind of insinuation.”
Barty sighs, “Yeah you shouldn’t have. I accept your apology though. I think most people are curious about that kind of thing, and all you really did was ask a question. I’m sorry as well.”
“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong?”
Barty quirks an eyebrow, “For yelling and storming off. That wasn’t the appropriate way to act in that situation. I could have handled it much better but I didn’t and for that I am sorry.”
Regulus didn’t realize that was something people apologized for. In the rare moments in his life when he did apologize for things and meant it, it was always for something he did, never for something he didn’t do. Damn, you are a good person.
Barty chuckles, “Thank you. Same to you.”
“Oh shit. That was an inside thought.” Regulus says. He tries to laugh along with Barty but it feels awkward. He tries to turn his attention over to something else instead. “You got a cat I see.”
Barty scoops up the bundle of fur in his arms, her green eyes staring into Regulus’ own. “When I came home,” Barty says, “First thing I did was ask Remus to get me one. Hopefully Sirius likes her because I’m not sure where she would go if he didn’t.”
Regulus reaches up and scratches the kitten in between her ears. “Well she’s beautiful. Only an idiot wouldn’t love her.”
Feeling as though he has lived three days in one, Regulus stands up to leave. “I had fun today, minus that last bit. Hopefully we can hang out again soon and I wish you the best with working things out with Sirius.” Barty nods his thanks as Regulus leaves.
During his short walk home Regulus thinks about all of the events of today. Despite promising James that he would always be honest with him, he gave up a little part of himself to Barty too. When he said he hoped everything worked out with Sirius he meant it, it was true. He walks with a smile on his face, he can feel himself already beginning to change. Soon he’ll earn his place here. Not everyday will be perfect, he will make mistakes, but with James’ help and some time he can make this work.
***
The next day there is a knock at the door and once again James flips the whiteboard over and Regulus puts his written-in notebook into a stack of philosophy books on the coffee table. Regulus remains on the couch as James goes to open the door.
“Sirius! It’s so good to see you. And what do we have here?” James exclaims. Regulus feels his spine straighten, his lungs stopping. Luckily with the couch facing the backside of the door, Sirius shouldn’t be able to see him. If he doesn’t make any noises and doesn’t move, he can only hope that their visitor won’t realize that he’s here.
He can barely hear the mumblings of a response from Sirius. Regulus can see James reaching out and grabbing something from his brother. A ball of black fur sits cradled between James’ hands. James turns to Regulus and says, “How do you feel about cats?”
Regulus nods as an answer, not trusting his voice.
“We’ll take her.” James says, “Oh yeah-sure thing.” “Tomorrow should work.” With that James closes the door and brings the bundle over to Regulus. Regulus reaches up and takes the fur ball. The black kitten with her green eyes stares up at him and purrs before settling into his lap, closing her eyes.
“What was that about?” Regulus asks as James takes a seat next to him.
“Wow she really warmed up to you fast. Apparently Barty got her for Sirius but he’s allergic so they can’t keep her.” James reaches over and gives the kitten a small scratch on the top of her head.
Regulus hums and smiles, “Who would have guessed?” He brushes her from top to bottom with the back of his hand.
“What should we call her?” James asks.
“I’m thinking Leo, for the constellation I’m in. My family has a knack for naming their kids after things in the sky.” Regulus says. He sits contently for a few moments before he remembers the back half of James’ conversation with Sirius. “Did you make plans with Sirius for tomorrow?”
James nods and closes his eyes, leaning back against the couch. “He asked if I wanted to do something with him. I didn’t have any lessons planned for tomorrow so I figured it would be fine. Maybe you can hang out with Barty or something again.”
‘Yeah…” Regulus responds, “Maybe…”
Regulus tries to push all thoughts of his brother to the side for now. He can worry about all of it tomorrow. He’s done his lesson for the day, the room is warm, a consistent hum of purring radiates off of his lap. He follows James’ lead and leans back on the couch and closes his eyes. He can worry about tomorrow, another day.
Notes:
Laughing at Regulus suggesting Barty gets Sirius a cat fully knowing he is allergic.
Chapter 5: The Death of S.O.B.
Notes:
Finally a chapter about Sirius <3 Such a shame this had to be the first one.
Given the title, this is a heavy chapter. As I said these will come from time to time. This chapter is much darker than the things we’ve been experiencing. That being said-
Warnings:
Walburga and Orion
Child Abuse
Physical Abuse
Death
Brief mention of vomitingChapter was updated July 8, 2025
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Man will desire oblivion rather than not desire at all. - Frederick Nietzsche
***
*Twelve Years Before Present Day*
Sirius awakes to the sound of crashing. Glass shattering against wooden floors. The noise reverberates through the house. He bolts out of bed, ignoring the way his blankets entangle themselves with one another, and rushes out of his room. It isn’t the first time he’s woken up this way, and he knows it won’t be the last. Mother is in one of her moods again, and all Sirius can hope for is that she’s not taking it out on his little sister.
The more times he wakes up this way, fearful for himself and for her, the harder it gets. He’s trapped in a cycle of worrying for his own life while protecting the only other person in this world he cares about. Sirius thinks about a day that may come where he will have to choose himself or her, an unfortunate recurring thought he has. Could it ever really get that bad? He doesn’t want to think about it but he tries to be realistic. If there were a time where it was him or her, he would choose her, in a heartbeat, everytime. There is not a doubt in his heart or mind that his sister will always be the one to come out on top, Sirius will make sure of it one way or another.
Sirius quickly makes his way down the hallway to her room. He doesn’t bother knocking, not wanting to waste any time, and shoves the door open. For a brief moment he is thankful for his mother’s rules regarding no locked doors. As soon as he steps inside, nearly tripping over his own feet, he lays his eyes on his sister. She’s sitting up in bed, grey eyes wide, black hair flying in all directions from another night of fitful sleep. Sirius sighs with relief.
“What is it now?” She asks. Her voice is groggy, with a tinge of panic.
“Another deal probably just fell through.” He responds, trying to reassure her. It’s nothing they haven’t dealt with before. The Black siblings both know what to do in the instance of their mother’s tantrums, staying out of her way. His sister’s shoulders fall, tension seeping away. Her concerned look is quickly replaced by an annoyed expression.
“If that’s all it is, get out.” She snaps. She pulls the blankets back up over her head and lies back down.
Sirius rolls his eyes and lets out a defeated breath. He doesn’t need to be told twice to leave. They’ve had this fight so many times now he’s lost track. He backs out of the room, closing the door behind him and heads back to his own bedroom.
This is all part of their routine after years and years of waking up this way. Occasionally one of the Black siblings will wake up to the sound of smashing, fists being thrown, or yelling. Sirius’ first instinct is always to check his sister’s room first. Too many times he has woken up to the noises to find her bedroom empty. He would go downstairs and find her curled on the floor, a small pool of blood coming from an unknown source, and a look of fury raging in his mother’s eyes. Too many times… He can only be grateful that’s not the case today, even if it means being dismissed so callously after checking in on his baby sister.
Her usual first reaction is to hide away in her room until Walburga has decided to calm down for the evening. Sirius will come and check on her and she’ll dismiss him as soon as she sees that he’s okay too. Sirius knows that she cares, even if it’s gotten harder over the years. So he tries to not take it to heart when he’s dismissed so carelessly just for wanting to make sure she’s okay. It’s a difficult job, being an older brother, but it’s one he has to take seriously. One day though, one day he’s going to get them both out.
One day Sirius will grab the light of his life and drag her away from this cursed place. He’ll find them a home, a proper home that they can call their own. He’ll get a job and she can go to school like she’s always wanted. She’ll go for something their parents would never have approved of. He’ll get a job where his hands will always be dirty and calloused to show that he’s earned every cent for himself. They’ll smile and laugh with each other. They’ll find partners, they’ll fall in love away from here. They can do family holidays together, cooking big meals and exchanging presents. There will be no formalities or need to be proper or look or act a certain way. One day.
As Sirius approaches his bedroom door he hesitates just long enough to question why they put up with it. Why they let their mother hit, slap, kick, berate, claw them. Why that one day can’t be today. He pauses for just long enough to make a decision, a terrible, no good decision, but he didn’t know that yet. His bare feet pad against the floor as he walks away from his room and downstairs. A part of him knows he’s making a bad choice, but another part simply doesn’t care anymore. He doesn’t know how many more days he can wake up in fear. Whether he knows what’s coming or not doesn’t matter because all paths lead to something disastrous. He can’t afford to care anymore. Sixteen years old, and it’s time to ask his parents the one question he never dared to ask before, why?
He approaches the final steps, listening for where his mother could possibly be in the house. Only silence follows. He makes his way through different rooms, the entryway, the dining room, the kitchen, until he reaches the family library. Although it is rarely used, today it is the home of his mother’s latest tantrum. Her back is turned to him, he clears his throat to get her attention. She whips around and stares him down.
“Sirius. Orion. Black. What are you doing?” She bites out. It’s clear she’s had a rough start to her morning. Her usually perfectly styled black hair sits in a disarrayed bun on top of her head, pieces sticking out in a frizzy mess. Her clothes, usually so firmly pressed, are wrinkled and crumpled against her slender frame. Sirius should know better than to continue to disrupt her, but he presses on.
“You woke me up.” He says simply. He glances down to the shattered remains of what was once a vase. Dead flowers scatter about, stems cut through and petals ripped off. Broken pieces of the vase lay in various shapes and sizes cutting into his mother’s shoes. She doesn’t even seem to notice. He looks back up to meet her eyes, knowing there will be punishment if his gaze strays for too long.
“Leave us.” She snarls and turns around. Sirius glances around the room and for the first time notices his father sitting in the corner. He is in an armchair next to the fireplace, one hand holding a fire poker and the other pressed to his temple, trying to rid himself of a migraine. Sirius hopes it hurts.
Sirius doesn’t move. He continues to stand in the doorway and after a moment steps further into the room. He’s already committed this far, farther than he’s gone before in a case where his mother wasn’t beating his sister, might as well go all the way. He will ask his questions and he will get answers. However, it may be best to try and ease into it first.
“What is the problem mother?” He asks. He steps close enough to be at the edge of the shattered remains of the vase, just out of his mother’s direct reach.
“Have you taken a sudden interest in family affairs?” She asks over her shoulder. It’s not skeptical, it’s harsh and demeaning. Sirius has been known to never give a ratsass about his ‘family’s business’, especially when he learned the truth behind it all.
The Blacks, a world renowned family known for seemingly always being at the scene of major crimes but never having evidence that can be used against them. A family of con-artists, thieves and murderers, not that the police can prove it.
To keep up appearances, The Black Family makes small donations of their fortune to different charities, never more than a few hundred or thousand pounds. A drop in the bucket when it comes down to it. They’ve developed a tactic that whenever their family is under scrutiny or investigation they donate and all of a sudden they are seen as perfect saints in the media who could never do any harm. People are so gullible, it makes Sirius sick.
Orion Black, despite his ever so wavering health, sits at the top of the Black family hierarchy, with Sirius next in line to take over. He is the one to make the decisions, who or where to target first. He divides up all earnings and what Orion Black says, goes. There is no going against him. The last person who tried is currently rotting behind prison bars for a crime they didn’t commit. Orion was able to bribe the judge easily enough. That was just for making a joke Orion didn’t find funny.
Whenever a deal falls through, a plan has to be scratched, a victim gets away, the Black siblings get the brute of the anger that befalls Walburga Black. She married into this family for the fortune and the glory from the inner circle, and she does not accept failure. She doesn’t actually participate in jobs, she is only there to reap the rewards from those willing to put in the work. Much of the work coming from her own children.
Sirius’ parents have been trying for years to get him more invested in the family business but for reasons they just don’t seem to understand, he has refused time and time again. It was only just last year that they stopped asking.
As Sirius got older his parents stopped seeing him as an asset to their operation, able to get by undetected, to pull off cons with his sweet innocent face, and they began to see him for what he truly was, a loose end. The more he refused to learn the tricks of the trade the more dangerous his life had become but he was determined. In just two short years he will be eighteen and he will take his sister and run far away from all of this. His parents seem to hate him a little more every day that that freeing birthday approaches.
“Perhaps I have.” Sirius responds. He folds his hands behind his back in an attempt at innocence. It does nothing to ease the glare his mother throws at him. He should back out now. He shouldn’t be playing these dangerous games because he knows where they lead.
“If you must know.” She says as she begins to pace back and forth. “Your father and I have had to cancel our plans for tonight. It was a major operation and now we are out hundreds of thousands of pounds.”
“How unfortunate,” Sirius says breathily as he looks down, giving up the act of innocence and inspects his nails. He could not possibly care less about his family’s blood money. They aren’t out all of those pounds, they simply aren’t able to steal them like they planned. The moment he looks up at his mother, he understands just how big of a mistake he’s just made.
“You will not make a mockery out of this.” She takes a step closer to him. As quickly as the tides can change, so does her mood. Her shoulders suddenly relax, her face softens. Sirius feels his heart uptick in fear. A calm Walburga is much more frightening than an angry one. The one that is angry, makes her actions loud and violent, every move can be seen coming. The sweet and charming type of anger is dangerous. Each move is done with precision and misdirection. There is no telling what she’ll do next.
“Sirius Orion.” She says calmly. “You may just be the solution we need.”
Sirius has refused every time she has asked him to help for years, today will not be any different. Why can’t she get it through her thick skull that he doesn’t want this life? He doesn’t want to be part of this. He will never be part of this. His breathing becomes rapid no matter how much he tries to control it. What is she planning?
“You will go to your cousin’s home tonight.” She begins, “They will provide you with all of the details you need. You will get us that money and all will be well again.”
“Why would I possibly do that mother?” Sirius keeps his feet planted to the floor, refusing to be backed into a corner.
“If you do this, all will be forgiven.” She smiles without it reaching her eyes, “You will be reallowed proudly into the family. You have made a mockery of this family for far too long. It’s time you learn and accept your place.”
Sirius glares at her. “I don’t want anything to do with this family. I won’t do anything for you!”
He should have seen it coming, he should have prepared for it. For some reason he wasn’t expecting the harsh slap that followed. Sirius tumbles to the ground from the force, cheek burning. He falls and lands on the sharp pieces that once made up a beautiful vase. The glass cuts into every part of his body. He can feel himself bleeding in his arms and legs. When he tries to adjust himself so he can stand up he’s met with a swift kick in the ribs. He tumbles back to the floor, injecting himself with more glass.
Sirius tries to catch his breath, tries to find his way out of this. He allows himself one moment too many. He hears the sound of wind rushing before the impact is made. A fire poker making direct contact with his spine. He falls once again. He can’t manage a breath before it comes down again. He can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He tries to hold back his sobs, his begs for her to stop.
“You-!” Hit. “Worthless!” Hit. “You disrespect” Hit. “my family!” Hit. “My orders!” Hit.
He barely manages to make a pleading noise before he’s struck again, this time in the leg, causing the glass to bury itself deeper in his knees. His face hits the floor as he’s ricocheted with pain. Blood begins to seep down his face until it covers his eyes. Unable to even see properly, he can’t look to his father for help. He thinks he hears someone approaching the door but it's muffled by the blood in his ears and the continued whipping of metal on skins and bone.
She doesn’t even grace him with any more words of degradation, telling him how worthless he is, how much of a disappointment. He can feel her anger with every blow. He hears her spit at his withering body, mixing in with his own blood and tears.
His mind tries to protect him, to tune out all of his other senses but the pain of the poker breaks through all of the barriers he builds for himself. He can feel his bones shattering, the blood leaving his body, his lungs collapsing in on themselves. He isn’t even granted a moment long enough for a last thought before he passes out from the pain.
***
*Five Years Before Present Day*
Sirius Orion Black was sixteen years old when he left his childhood home and his sister behind. He had decided any life outside of that house was better than the one he was living, the one where there was a chance every day that he may not survive. The morning his mother had beaten him unconscious he fled. He isn’t sure how he managed to make it out of the house, down the street and to the bus stop but he did it. It took every ounce of strength he had but he left it all behind. His only regret is that it means he left his sister behind too.
From sixteen to eighteen Sirius lived on the streets. In and out of hostels, park benches, homeless shelters, alleyways, any couch he could find. Any place with a semblance of peace and safety. He tried to reach out to charities that said they help youths in tough situations, but even the largest ones like To Do Good, weren't willing to do anything for him when he had a family he could theoretically go back to. It was dangerous at times, being young and on his own with practically no money to his name, but he made it. On the worst days, in the freezing cold, the blazing heat, raging thunderstorms, no matter how bad it got, he knew it was better than being back at Grimmauld Place.
At eighteen Sirius met Kingsley, and everything changed. King took Sirius in and gave him a proper home. Not unlike the one Sirius imagined for himself and his sister in his daydreams, but close enough. He didn’t have to wake in fear of being beaten to the brink of death, and that was as close to a home as he could ask for. Sirius has been living with Kingsley for the past five years. He has a roof over his head, food at easy access and he even has a job that pays the bills. Well most of the bills, most of the time. Truthfully, it’s everything he could have ever wanted, and it’s not enough.
Sirius’ plans have remained the same as when he was sixteen and daydreaming. He is going to get his sister out of the cursed house. The only problem now is his lack of money to realistically do so. In all of his daydreams Sirius had guessed that as soon as he got a job he’d have enough to cover all of the expenses needed to live modestly, pay for her to go to school, and have some left over. With the help of Kingsley, Sirius got his first and only job five years ago and the reality of money is a cold hard bitch.
Kingsley’s home barely has enough room for the two of them. Sirius’ bed touches three of the walls in his room, and King’s room isn’t much better. They’ve made do but there is no way Sirius could ask for another person to live with them. As far as Kingsley knows, Sirius is an only child who ran away from home and has been trying to rebuild his life since.
Not long after Kingsley had taken Sirius in, an old friend of King’s had told him about a position that opened up at their garage. Sirius instantly jumped on the offer in hopes of making enough cash to be able to support himself, and eventually himself and his sister. When Sirius started at the job, he knew nothing about cars, unable to tell the different make and models apart from one another. Arthur was an amazing teacher and was extremely patient with Sirius every step of the way. Sirius quickly learned the ins and out of mechanics and made his name known.
It only took a few months of working for Sirius to realize that it was going to be much harder than he thought to save the cash he needed. He isn’t underpaid per-say but he always feels like he should be making a little bit more than he is for the amount of work he’s doing. It’s not only the lack of money coming in, but the larger amount that’s constantly going out. Everything is expensive and everything needs to be paid right now .
Every time Sirius begins to build a small nest of emergency money, for the problems that occur now, something breaks, something needs to be bought, he sees another kid on the street and decides the kid could use the cash more. No matter what it is, it eats away at his savings and he has to begin again. He can barely pay for the things he has to deal with now, creating savings to prepare for her coming? Absolutely out of the question at the moment.
She’s twenty years old now. In the Black family, you don’t just leave. Sirius is surprised every day of his life that someone from his family hasn’t come after him. They must see that he isn’t going to the police or causing any trouble, because he’s been left alone since he left home.
Sirius is sitting in an alley behind the repair shop smoking a cigarette, complaining to his favourite coworker Neil about the latest thing that broke at home that he’s going to have to spend hundreds to repair if he can’t figure it out himself.
“That fucking sucks.” Neil says, taking a drag of his own cigarette, “Do you have the cash for it?”
“Barely.” Sirius replies. He tilts his head against the brick of the building and closes his eyes. He takes a deep breath trying to remind himself that he can try to pick up some extra shifts to make up for the loss.
“Hmm.” Neil hums. Neil looks down causing his red hair to fall in front of his eyes as he contemplates what to say next, thumb moving idly against his filter.
“What?” Sirius asks. “Got any ideas in that pretty head of yours for me?”
Neil shakes his ash and looks back to Sirius, “I was just thinking…I know a couple of guys that could help you out.”
Sirius looks back at Neil with skepticism in his eyes. This guy’s been working at the shop longer than Sirius has, and this isn’t the first time Sirius has complained about money or rather lack thereof. So why now?
Neil meets his eyes and lets out a small laugh, “Nothing raunchy if that’s what you’re thinking. Hey, maybe if you actually tried to upsell and didn’t offer discounts for your labour cost, you wouldn’t be in this position.”
Unfortunately, it’s true. Sirius would have a lot more money to his name if he upsold all of the extra stuff that people don’t actually need. The more stuff he sells, the longer it takes for him to work on a car, the more hours he can charge in labour. The shop makes more money from the add ons, and Sirius makes more money for “working on a car longer” Sirius could make a lot more money from doing that…or for actually charging the standard amount of his labour in the first place.
Sirius has a tendency to see families that are struggling and charge them about half for labour compared to his coworkers. He can’t help it. When he first started working at the shop he tried to charge what everyone else did but then one day a woman came in with a crying baby, and she looked like she was on the verge of tears herself. She needed a repair done on her car so she could get to work and she was already low on formula for the baby. She only had enough money to pay for the part that was broken. Sirius worked for free that day, and went home to eat scraps of bread. He felt good about his decision in the end.
Since then he sees that woman in every person who enters the shop. He sees the broken and the broke. He wonders about different people’s stories and what led them here. He then fixes their cars and charges them half for labour because he doesn’t know what they’re going through but he does know what it’s like to have nothing.
“Nice try but not happening.” Sirius says, as he has time and time again. “What is it you had in mind though?”
Neil smirks back at him.
That’s how just a few hours after their shift ended, the garage cleaned up and darkness fallen over the city, Sirius finds himself huddled in an alleyway with four men he’s never met before and a variety of cars he could only dream to one day own. His hand glides over the red shine of one car, the decals of another, each in one drawing a new kind of awe out of him.
Street racing is very much illegal but according to Neil, it can stuff a person’s pockets extremely quickly. It just may be the out that Sirius needs, if he is to ignore the ‘it being extremely dangerous’ part.
“Do you do this often?” Sirius asks Neil.
Neil smirks back. “When the occasion calls for it.”
Sirius sits out for his first night, opting for spectating instead. Neil climbs into his own car and begins to rev up the engine. Two cars at a makeshift starting line. An unknown man holding out a bandana as a starting flag, standing between the two vehicles. He holds it high in the air and then drops it. Both drivers are off.
Neil’s competitor's car is much nicer but Sirius has seen the way Neil can maneuver a car. Knowing the inside of a car helps understand the way it ebbs and flows through different spaces. Sirius is enthralled as he watches the speed and ferocity of the drivers. He feels a tingle of fear and amazement as they shoot past his watching point and down the street. It’s not even a close race, and he’s unsurprised when Neil wins.
A week later Neil lets Sirius borrow his car for his own first race. It’s well past midnight and Sirius is due to open the shop in the morning but there is something drawing him into the driver’s seat. He feels purpose as he puts the key into the ignition and starts the car. His heart ticks up in excitement and curiosity as he begins to rev. He looks over at his opponent and smirks.
There are only a few spectators tonight and they await the drivers at their predetermined finish line. Their course is only about a mile long and since it’s Sirius’ first time the bets on who would win were kept to a minimum. There’s still money up for grabs, just not as much as usual.
The man with the bandana, who Sirius now knows to be named Kevin, stands between the two cars with his bandana raised high in the air. The two drivers are given their signal and Sirius is off. He feels the wind rushing past the car as he flies down the street. His heart is pounding against his ribcage, trying to escape and see the view for itself. Faster. Faster.
Sirius slams onto the gas until his foot touches the floor. Swerving, ducking, a sharp turn, slowing down only to speed up again, he moves as if it were a dance and he is the only one on stage. The adrenaline swoops through him. His vision is tunneled, all he can see is what’s right in front of him and he loves every minute of it. The part he loves the most is when he is the first one to cross the finish line.
He eases off the gas as carefully as he can until he’s able to safely stop. Sirius gets out of the car and runs over to Neil, jumping in his arms in pure joy at his victory. Neil smiles back just as wide, and Sirius can’t help when he grabs Neil’s face and makes their lips meet. It’s over as soon as it starts. Sirius jumps back, ready to apologize but when he looks, Neil is still smiling.
The two boys rush over to their opponents. They’re given congratulations for Sirius’ first win and they tell Sirius that they’re looking forward to the next time he comes back to their track. Sirius pockets his winnings and heads back to the car with Neil in tow. Smiles wide, and wallets heavy.
As Sirius and Neil are four beers deep into their celebration of tonight’s win, Sirius can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe he can make this work. He can work in the garage during the day and occasionally street race to make the funds he needs. Once he has everything he is going back to Grimmauld Place. He is going to get her out. He is going to save her from them, even if it’s the last thing he ever manages to do.
***
*Two Months Before Present Day*
Sirius is pacing. He can’t stop his feet from moving back and forth over and over again. He has one hand up to his mouth and rips off the last of his remaining nails with his teeth. His other hand is tangled in his hair, pulling slightly with each turn around he makes with his feet. Worry trails through his body, ricocheting off of his bones as he waits for Neil to finish counting the money.
After all these years, twelve to be exact, Neil is the only person Sirius has trusted with this information. He has a sister he ran away from. He needs to save enough money to be able to get her out and he doesn’t know what kinds of horrors she’s had to endure during his absence. Today however, may just be the day when all of the work Sirius has gone through, all of the blood, sweat and tears, finally mean something.
Sirius has been street racing for about five years. He’s gained just as much as he’s lost. It took a lot of time for him to figure out how to properly place bets on himself, how to ensure he’d always come out with something , even if it was only a couple of bucks. Years of racing, learning the system and the players, saving every penny he could. He sacrificed nights out, being young and having everything life has to offer available to you, friendships and relationships. Nothing mattered more to him than what all of those sacrifices could lead up to. He tried to enjoy other things in life, but each time he did he was rattled with guilt. A small voice in the back of his head that said he could have put that money towards her .
“Sirius!” Neil shouts.
Sirius stops his pacing and looks up confused. “What?”
“That’s the fifth time I’ve said your name Jesus Christ.” Neil looks down at the stacks of money adorning their coffee table and then back up at Sirius, “It’s enough.” Neil breaks out into a grin.
Sirius feels his entire body go rigid. He isn’t able to move. Five years of work, ending in two simple words. It’s enough . He can give up the street racing. He has enough to leave that behind and go back to just earning money at the shop. Five years and now that the moment is here, it doesn’t feel real.
“Are you-” Sirius swallows, “Are you sure? Maybe you should count it again just to make sure.” He tries to reach out, to grab the money for himself and double check. Neil swats his hand away.
Neil stands up and walks over to Sirius. He places an arm on either side of the black haired man and looks him in the eyes, “Sirius. I counted it three times. It’s enough. You can go get her.”
Sirius falls to the floor, knees in instant pain from the contact and begins to weep. He lets out everything he has been feeling for the past twelve years. The pain, the loss, the feeling of letting her down, all of it. He cries into his hands in harsh sobs, gasping for breath he knows he had only moments ago. It’s enough . It’s enough. It’s enough.
Neil holds his through it and Sirius is thankful to have something to ground him. Without the arms around him he would be bolting out the door right now without another thought in his mind. Instead he’s here, on the floor, letting his tears stain Neils’s shirt. What is he doing? He needs to go. He doesn’t have to wait anymore. Sirius still has tears streaming down his face as he bolts up off of the floor. The sudden change sends Neil flying backwards landing on his arse.
“I have to go. I have to go.” Sirius chants as he makes for the front door. He grabs his leather jacket and begins to search for his keys. He pats the pocket of his coat but turns up empty. He looks into the small bowl by the door where his keys usually live. Sirius can feel frustration blooming in his chest as he continues his search. “Where are they?” He mutters under his breath.
Neil recovers himself from the floor. He stands up and holds the key ring out to Sirius on one finger. Sirius goes to grab them but Neil pulls them away. “Give it.” Sirius grits out. He’s never spoken harshly to Neil before but this is a moment that calls for it. Sirius needs to leave and he needs to leave right now before he has the chance to think otherwise.
“I will only give you these if you can promise me that you can hold yourself together for long enough to actually get there without crashing my car.” Neil says as he looks Sirius up and down.
“And I will be calling you to see how it goes.”
Sirius tries to push the pieces of himself that have been scattered, back into one cohesive mess. He wills himself to stop crying and it works for the most part. He can feel his hands shaking as he reaches up to grab the keys. Neil gently places them in his hands. Sirius whispers a quiet “Thank you.” and gives Neil a kiss on the cheek before turning back to the door and bolting down the driveway. He can barely get the keys in, fumbling and missing the ignition before he finally hears that thrilling click .
The drive back home is surprisingly easy to remember. A left turn here, go straight for fifteen minutes, a right turn there. He tries to soothe himself by popping in A Day At The Races but finds that even Freddy Mercury can’t help calm his nerves.
It only takes about ten minutes into his drive for him to begin to question himself. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she likes the life she’s living? What if she doesn’t want to be saved? He tries to think back to the sister he once knew, the sister he knew twelve years ago. He knows she doesn't exist anymore, not in the same way. She’s grown, she’s an adult now, probably with adult responsibilities. She could be married to some guy with a dozen kids by now. She could be living a happy and blissful life without Sirius around and here he comes crashing in ready to raze that all to the ground. What if he’s ruining everything?
He tries to remind himself that he doesn’t know. She could be happy, or she could be miserable. She could be living her own life with her own family or she could still be stuck in that house. There is only one way to find out and it’s by going through with this no matter what the what if’s are. Sirius feels like he’s going to be sick. He briefly debates pulling over to vomit on the side of the road but eventually decides that would take away too much precious time because he doesn’t know what’s going on in that house and he has to find out.
Sirius stops the car a block away from his old home. His tanglement of thoughts grapple at him until he can take no more. He’s waited for twelve years for this, and he is done waiting. He gets out of the car, locks the door, and makes his way up the street.
The houses he passes remind him of happier times in his life. Back when he didn’t know the kind of family he was born into, he had those he thinks, happy memories. Him and his sister outside playing tag with the neighbors, playing in the park on nice days, normal things that normal families do. Then they would go home and be told the plans for the evening. They would be told to get into character. If they made any mistakes they knew the consequences. They were important to the family and if they didn’t comply they would lose everything.
Sirius stands on the sidewalk in front of the house. The gloomy feeling of what goes on behind closed doors seeps into the streets. He can feel the shadows of terror wrapping over him, caressing him like an old friend. He wants to step away, to turn back and forget he ever thought about coming back here. He wants to go back to his peaceful life of cars, cheap beer and Neil’s arms. He wants the safety of what he’s known and not the foreboding of what awaits him.
He takes one step forward, then two. He wills himself to continue onwards knowing that the not knowing is so much worse than whatever may lie beyond that door. He raises one hand up, and knocks. Quickly he takes a step back, preparing for any onslaught that may come his way. Instead, the door slowly creeks open and he sees the fragile remains of a woman that once terrified him.
Sirius isn’t sixteen anymore. He is a twenty-eight year old man who can hold his own. He is a grown adult that is no longer forced to submit to the woman before him. He plasters a smile on his face, he can feel the sinister way it must look, as he says, “Mother. I’m home.”
The door slams in front of him but Sirius is faster. He shoves his boot in between the door and the frame and pushes himself through. Once he is inside the house he’s able to get a better look at her. Her frame is more slender than before, bones protruding from beneath the skin. Her eyes have become more dull than ever with dark rings circling them. Her hair takes on grey tones and she looks so weak. Sirius almost wants to laugh at his past self for ever letting this woman take him down.
Walburga settles herself, straightening her spine, hands folded in front, “Sirius. What brings you here?” She looks Sirius over, examining the man he’s become, and she doesn't look impressed. Sirius has gained the dirt and calluses he once dreamed about. He has made his own money, has his own things. He laughs and smiles, and he celebrates holidays with someone he loves. He has found his way in this world, and it has led him back here, to reunite him with his better half. Twelve years of time but a life of changes.
Sirius ignores his mother and begins to make quick work of the house. He starts with the library, that’s the room she was always in, but no luck. He makes his way through the kitchen and dining room before heading upstairs. Walburga follows him the entire way, not daring to speak. He barges into his sister’s old room to find it bare of the person he is looking for. Dust has settled over the bed frame, the desk and by the window. Sirius sees cobwebs lining the corners of the walls. A singular spider slowly makes its way through the air. There must be a mistake.
Sirius barges out of the bedroom and heads for his own. Surely she must have just moved into his room after he left. His steps are long and strident, pounding the floor with every movement until he whips the door to his old life open. Once again…nothing. His room has remained untouched. It is a memorial to who he was at sixteen, encased in dust and forgotten memories. Sirius doesn’t care about the memories, he cares about who was in them.
He turns on Walburga who is still standing behind him. “Where. Is. She.” He growls.
The smile his mother gives is not human. There is some demonic being that has her in their possession because no one should be able to smile like that, especially when they say, “She’s dead.”
Walburga is on the floor, hand clutched to her nose as she laughs maniacally. Sirius feels the knuckles on his hand ring out in pain. He grabs her by the front of her blouse, arm pulled back ready to go again. “Where is she!” He screams more than asks.
She continues to laugh, free hand clutching her stomach in pain. “You just missed her.”
He releases his mother and steps back. His head is swimming. There’s no way. He came back for her. He came to save her. She’s out there somewhere. His mother is a con artist for a living. She’s lying! Sirius looks down at his bloodied knuckles and he knows. There’s something about the way his mother said it, she means it. Some part of it is true. He was too late. Too late. Too late.
Sirius runs down the steps of the house and out the front door. He bolts down the street tripping over his own feet as he steps back into the car and starts the engine. He drives away mind fuzzy. He’s briefly aware that his phone is ringing but he ignores it. His mind replays his mothers six words. She’s dead. You just missed her.
The drive back home only takes half the time it took to get to Grimmuald but Sirius doesn’t drive back to Neil. He parks the car in the alley of his first ever street race. He places his head on the steering wheel trying to catch the breath he lost the moment his mother said those wretched words. It never seems to come back.
It’s well past midnight when the first racers begin to arrive. Sirius offers up ten thousand pounds to anyone that will race against him. He’s made a name for himself in these races and people are quick to jump on the opportunity to finally best him. He doesn’t say anything else to anyone when he gets back in the car and heads towards their starting points.
This isn’t happening. It didn’t happen. His sister is still out there alive somewhere. She is alive and well. She didn’t just die. Sirius was supposed to be there for her. He was supposed to protect her. He was supposed to save her. Save her. Save her.
Older brothers are given one job, to protect their younger siblings. That was his one job in life and he failed at it. Walburga could be lying. That is always going to be a possibility, but Sirius knows he can’t live in a world where she doesn’t exist. Any lifetime, any universe that Sirius lives in, he isn’t alone.
A part of him is aware of the car next to his own but he doesn’t care. This is the only thing that makes him feel alive and he needs anything that will give him that feeling. He doesn’t care if it’s reckless. He doesn’t care if it’s stupid. He can feel the tears falling down his cheeks but he looks straight ahead, not bothering to give the other driver a glance. He doesn’t sob or cry out. His eyes are heavy and his mouth refuses to move, acknowledging everything he’s feeling.
Kevin drops the bandana and Sirius slams on the gas. He knows how these races go, he’s done dozens of them. He knows the inside and outside of cars better than anyone else here. He knows how to do this dance, playing with the edge of safety with another car going over 100 mph next to him. He knows and he knows but sometimes ignorance is bliss and it is better to be left in the dark with the what if’s . He should have stayed in the dark. He should have let his imagination consume him.
Sirius doesn’t realize that he’s meant to be making a turn. His vision has tunneled and all he can see is what’s right in front of him. His mind is only filled with one thing. He doesn’t realize his mistake and as the car next to him gets closer, as it collides with his own, he’s still only thinking of his little sister and how he never did save her.
***
Sirius wakes up on the right side of a soft white couch.
Notes:
Poor baby doesn’t DESERVE THIS. Walburga when I see you it’s ON SIGHT
Next chapter we will go back to much more lighthearted tomfoolery :)
Chapter 6: Mutual Love
Notes:
Warnings:
Mentions of death
Mentions of abuse
Chapter Text
Now it looks as if love were a feeling, friendship a state of character; for love may be felt just as towards lifeless things, but mutual love involves choice and choice springs from a state of character. - Aristotle
***
Sirius stares at himself in the mirror and wills the memories to come back to him. It’s been a little over a week since his death and he can barely make out the fuzzy outlines that made up his ending. He had been saving money to get his sister out of their abusive house. He knows this is a fact. He tries to come up with a few more about that day.
Neil telling him that he had saved enough money.
Driving back to that house.
Seeing his mother.
His mother telling him that his sister was gone.
He had just missed her.
Everything after that remains faded like a mirror after a hot shower. If he squints he can see the outline of events but the picture is so far from clear it could have been any number of things that lead him here.
Sirius is convinced that if he just tries hard enough he can bring all of the memories back. He’s not even sure if he really wants them, the pain that he knows will come with it, but he hates living in the dark of his own past.
The worst part of all of this is that he can’t even remember what she looked like. He knows that when he left home he was sixteen years old, she was fifteen. He had fifteen years with her but the shape of her face is gone, replaced with a haze.
Evan had told Sirius that when a person joins the afterlife, unhappy memories will sometimes struggle to come to the surface, they will be blurry and their picture altered. It’s supposed to be a coping mechanism for an ‘easy transition’. Sirius has had the time to transition. He knows that he’s dead and he’s well accepted it. He’s in another realm from Walburga and that should be enough to put a pep in his step every waking moment that he has, but a key part of who he is, is missing.
He can’t help but wonder about those memories. Surely he had good ones with his sister? There had to be some littered throughout their lives together within the clusters of bad. But if he did, those memories would be clear, he would see them in the same high resolution that he experienced them in and he would be able to fully reminisce on the good times of his childhood.
Each day he’s gone through a different year of his life trying to remember something the Black siblings did together and every time it’s the same; either he can’t think of anything or the haze covers up the one person he’s been longing to see for twelve years. There has to be something…
Somehow his thoughts drift to his nextdoor neighbors. He is expecting James to arrive at any moment for a day of hanging out together. They never made any concrete plans but he’s looking forward to it. Sirius had a chance to talk with James quite a bit at the opening night party but hasn’t really seen him since. They chatted for a long time before Regulus was pulled away to give his weird speech to the neighborhood.
During that speech there was a tug in the back of Sirius’ mind, a memory that tried to come to the surface but couldn’t figure out which direction was up. Something about the cadence of Regulus’ voice was recognizable, the way he spoke, the way he held himself so stiffly, it was all so…familiar. It only took about two minutes of Regulus’ speech for Sirius to feel tears prickling in his eyes, he didn’t know why but something about the man made him so, so sad. He walked away and drank his sorrows at the bar for the rest of the speech, trying to tune it all out. It worked for the most part but it meant that he never got to say a proper goodbye to James when they left.
There’s a knock on his front door and Sirius opens it to find the man he had been waiting for on the other side. Sirius pulls James into a hug and is happy when he feels it reciprocated just as tightly.
“Good to see you too Sirius.” James says with a small chuckle.
Barty’s out for the day again so the two men have the entire house to themselves. Sirius leads James into the living room to the couch where they take a seat next to each other.
Throughout their time talking to each other at the party, conversation came so naturally between the two of them. Talking to each other was easy, two life-long friends catching up after not seeing each other for a few days. They talked about pranks they pulled as kids, their favourite movies and music, anything they could think of, one topic smoothly leading into the next. People tried to interrupt them as they talked but they were so caught up in each other that others quickly left them alone. It all felt as if they were destined to find each other here in this place.
There was a real reason why Sirius asked James to come over today, he just needs to find a way to bring it all up naturally.
James leans down from the couch and picks up a small cat toy off of the floor and laughs, “I can’t believe Barty got you a cat without knowing you were allergic.”
Sirius smiles as James tosses him the small stuffed mouse and they begin to throw it back and forth. “Yeah well we haven’t really talked that much. It was his idea to try and bring us closer together or something. How’s Reggie liking the menace?”
“Oh he absolutely adores Leo.” James says with a fond smile, “They’re practically inseparable.”
“Leo’s an odd name.” Sirius laughs slightly and then holds his hands up in defence, “No judgement if you picked it out though.”
“Nah it wasn’t me. Apparently Reg’s family has a theme for naming people and things after stuff in the sky, constellations, stars, galaxies, stuff like that.”
Sirius sets down the mouse and examines James for a moment, “Weird, my family did the same thing.”
“Oh yeah! Sirius is a star right?” James says excitedly, “Maybe you guys are related.”
“Trust me,” Sirius puts a hand over his chest, “I know my family wreath very well. I have a great uncle named Regulus but nothing since. It’s a nice thought though, having family here. Seems kind of odd that families wouldn’t get brought together.”
“ Wreath?” James looks appalled as he asks.
Sirius laughs, he knows it’s ridiculous, “My sister and I are also technically cousins.” James’ jaw drops, “It’s all fucked up. Keeping power and money in the hands of people who already have it kind of thing.”
James’ face is tense, “There are so many jokes I want to make right now.”
“Trust me, I’ve heard them all. Even made some of my own when people aren’t original enough.”
The topic smoothly moves on from there. They talk about their families, James does most of the heavy lifting there, their time in school, home cooked meals they’ve been craving, favourite time of day, aspirations they had in life. Sirius knows he needs to say what he really invited James here for, but each time they approach something that he knows could lead in the direction he wants to go, he backs down and picks something different instead.
The more they talk the more Sirius feels a connection growing between them. It’s nothing like anything he had on Earth with Kingsley or Arthur or even Neil, and it certainly isn’t anything like whatever it is that’s between him and Barty. The longer they go on back and forth, laughing, smiling, simply being, Sirius feels a cord tighten around his heart and soul, and he’s sure that at the other end of that cord, it’s tightened around James. With each tug of the cord he feels guilt clench onto him.
Somehow they end up with Sirius’ head in James’ lap, James stroking his hair as they go on about sports teams. Sirius never got the chance to actually play any sports but Neil always had some very strong opinions.
“I mean only an idiot would support them! Obviously they cheated in the last finals and I can’t believe some people actually still back them up!” James rants.
Sirius gets lost in thought about how he’s going to bring up what he needs to say. He’s had many opportunities but they’ve long since gone. He should just say it, come clean and lay it all out on the table.
“Sirius?” James stops playing with his hair and looks down. “Are you alright?”
Sirius readjusts himself and sits up to face James, knees touching as they look into each other’s eyes.
“I do have something I actually really need to talk to you about.” Sirius says, trying to figure out what the best way to actually say it is.
“Is everything okay?”
“Well…not really. You see…” Sirius hesitates, wondering if he’s making the right decision, “I don’t belong here.” He prepares for the fallout. He hasn’t known James for very long but he feels like he has met him in a thousand lifetimes. What he isn’t prepared for is James doubling over and laughing. James heaves as tears fall down his face and he clenches his stomach and he lets out the most heartfelt laugh Sirius has ever heard. “James…I’m not joking.”
Between breaths gasping for air from laughing so hard James manages to say, “Oh I’m sure you aren’t.”
What the fuck is happening?
~*~
James is very certain of two things. The first is that there is no way that Sirius is joking. The second, is that James’ situation here could not possibly get more precarious. He half expects Barty to burst through the door next and say he doesn’t belong here either. That would just be the icing on the cake.
His stomach hurts from the laughing that echoed through him. His arms are still wrapped around himself as he tries to sober himself so he can at least give off the impression that he’s sane. He thought he was finally getting things under control with Regulus but of course that would have just been too easy. There had to be more. He’s not blaming Sirius for not belonging here, he’s not blaming himself for not seeing it, he’s not blaming Evan for making the mistake. He’s not sure who is supposed to be at fault for all of this, it certainly isn’t the people that he cares about, but someone out there really needs to get their shit together.
James wipes away the tears from his eyes as he looks back at Sirius who is looking at him with concern. A completely fair reaction if you ask James.
“What the fuck was that?” Sirius asks.
“Just give me a minute.” James says. He needs to collect all of his thoughts. He wishes that he could grab each and every one, write them down on a piece of paper and organize them in a way that makes some kind of sense.
James has made promises, and he cannot under any circumstance break those promises. He told Regulus that he would help keep him from the Bad Place, that’s the big one and priority number one. He also told Regulus that he would keep him not belonging in the Good Place a secret, a key piece to making priority one possible. He can’t tell Sirus that Regulus doesn’t belong here, that’s not his choice to make.
Maybe, just maybe he can tell Regulus that he found out about someone else not belonging here and then they can meet and this will all make the secrets far easier to keep. Regulus will know about Sirius and Sirius will know about Regulus and James can remain a safe distance away from all of it while still watching out for them. That could work. Granted it would only work if-
“You can’t tell anyone.” Sirius says, interrupting James’ thoughts.
“But what if-”
“No. You can’t say anything to anyone. Not Evan, not even Regulus.” Sirius says. James leans his head back against the couch, eyes closed trying to think of some kind of wording that will get him out of having to keep two secrets from the two people he knows he’s going to spend most of his time around.
“I know Regulus is your soulmate but you can’t James. If he somehow finds out then he might go to Evan. I’ve managed to stay undetected this long and I can’t risk it.”
“Okay,” James starts, “Firstly, why do you think that you don’t belong here.”
James can physically see Sirius sealing some part of himself away before he speaks. “I was abused in a house just like this when I was growing up.” Sirius says while looking around the room, “I watched as my sister went through the same thing day after day. There is no version of paradise where I would live in the Black family home. On Earth I worked as an auto mechanic but when I look at the memory screens there’s nothing in there about my very illegal and very dangerous street racing. Those were good memories even if I wasn’t doing a good thing. It’s like part of me is missing. Like they didn’t get the full story of who I was.”
James doesn’t try to say anything as Sirius continues to ramble on, he learned his lesson well enough from a very similar conversation with Regulus.
“I’m surrounded by all of these people that actually lived meaningful lives. All of these people saved lives, rescued animals and made the world a better place while I was barely able to take care of myself!” Almost like an afterthought Sirius tacts on, “And Barty is very much not my type. I like em smart and lanky.” Sirius slumps back into the couch as a mark of the end to his reasonings.
“I need another minute.” James says quickly.
There was one part of Sirius’ ramble that stuck with James more than any other. The Black family home . Black family home. Black family. Black. Sirius Black, who ran away from his abusive home leaving behind a little sister. Regulus Black a boy who was raised as a girl with an older brother. A boy who ran away from an abusive home the second he turned eighteen.
Apparently James was wrong. This can get much worse. Not only does his soulmate not belong here, not only does his newfound best friend not belong here, but they’re brothers and Sirius doesn’t even know it. There’s no way that Regulus doesn’t know. James wants to ask him about it. Regulus promised to always be honest with James about anything he asked, but would he be abusing that by asking about something so personal? It seems like the two men had really hard childhoods, and James would be forcing Regulus to relive some of those experiences if he brings up the brother that lives next door.
James also can’t tell Sirius about his little brother being so close by. He can’t out Regulus like that, even if it means bringing them together, even if it means letting them both know that they’re not alone in a world where they don’t belong. How did this all get so bad so quickly? How did James begin to care about these two so fast?
“James, it's been a lot more than a minute.” Sirius cuts James from his line of thinking.
“Why did you tell me? Why me ?” James asks. It’s the only thing he can really ask at this point.
Sirius takes a second, either to figure out what to say or because he doesn’t want to give the real answer. “I trust you. I know there’s no real reason why it should be you over anyone else that I trust but I do.’
James can understand that. The second that James started talking to Sirius a week ago it felt like he had the brother he always wanted. They are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together in a way that just makes sense. Sirius came to James because he trusts him, he trusts that James won’t turn him in and won’t spill Sirius’ secret to Regulus. James knows that he trusts Sirius too and honestly, if he was in Sirius’ position he would have done the same thing right back.
Aristotle once said, “Mutual love involves choice and choice springs from a state of character.” Loving someone begins as a feeling but as people grow together whether that time be long or short, love becomes more than feeling, it becomes something a person chooses to do day in and day out. James knows what he feels for Sirius is a kind of love, he doesn’t know the name of it, perhaps there isn’t one that quite fits, but it’s there. Now he must make a choice, he must choose to continue on this path for those he loves and cares about. He could walk away from all of this so easily. He could refuse to help Sirius, he could refuse to keep Sirius’ secret, he could go to Evan and turn him in, and some part of him thinks that it would help protect Regulus if that was the choice he made. That isn’t who he is though.
Who James Potter is is someone who chooses to fight for the people he loves, and he will continue to do so even as things get hard. Even when Evan comes to him and tells him that everything he worked towards in life is now pointless, when Regulus makes mistakes and creates messes in this new world, when he is presented with these new challenges and secrets that he’s not sure he can keep. He will fight for those he loves and he will do it with everything he can because he is choosing to be that kind of person.
“Okay.” James says. “I believe you and I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”
Love is a choice, but just like every other choice James has ever made, he hopes he made the right one.
~*~
Sirius sighs in relief at James’ words. James believes him, and he’s going to keep his secret. Sirius knows he should be a bit more skeptical about it but there has been something about James since the moment that they met that he just trusts . He has never trusted people easily but for some reason he has feeling deep in his gut that things with James are just different. They flow together and in this river that they both take up they will carve a path to make living in this new world possible.
Sirius lurches forward and envelops James in a hug, all encompassing and it feels like a home Sirius has never gotten to truly know. James holds back onto him like a liferaft in their small storm.
Sirius knows what he has asked of James by admitting to his secret, to help him hide something so extreme. He knows that it may come with a cost but it is one he will be happy to pay if it means James will stay by his side through this.
As they pull apart James asks him, “How have you managed to go undetected for so long?”
Sirius lets out a small laugh, “It’s been pretty easy. I’ve been keeping to myself mainly which isn’t ideal. I miss being around people. Lucky for me though all this weird stuff keeps happening which I think is keeping Evan’s attention.”
Sirius can’t read the expression on James’ face which makes him uneasy. Instead of saying anything about his response, James asks, “Is that why you haven’t really gotten to know Barty?”
“Yeah. I’ve been terrified I’m going to somehow slip up and he’s going to find me out. Dude’s really smart and I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually if I don’t figure out how to act properly.”
James hums in some kind of agreement before slapping his knees as he stands up from the couch. He holds out his hand for Sirius to take, which he hesitantly does. “Let’s go get some food I’m starving.” James says.
They leave the dreary home and Sirius takes in the sun as it shines down on them, warming his skin. There is a cool breeze that wafts through the air making him thankful that he grabbed his leather jacket on the way out. If there is one thing that was good about that damn house it was that the closet contained a jacket just like his own on Earth.
They walk together into town and settle on a small cafe. Although the weather is nice, Sirius can sense that they may talk a bit more about his…situation, so they choose to sit inside near the back corner away from any other customers.
The cafe is fairly quiet with soft classical music seeping through speakers in the ceiling, and small chatter from other patrons on the other side of the room. James goes up to the counter and orders them both drinks and pastries while Sirius picks a table.
James returns after a few minutes with two drinks in hand. He places one of the iced drinks in front of himself and the other in front of Sirius. James then walks back to the counter to pick up the pastries. When he comes back he hands Sirius a pain au chocolat, which Sirius can’t help but chuckle at. Sirius didn’t say what he wanted but takes a strong gulp of his drink the moment he puts a straw into the cup and it’s delicious, it sits on the edge of too sweet without going over but the bitterness of the coffee is clear.
“Thank you.” Sirius says. They sit in silence for a while, simply enjoying their drinks and pastries. Sirius knows that they have more that they need to talk about but that can wait for later.
There is a moment where Sirius has a passing thought about how well James is taking this. All Sirius had to say was that didn’t belong here and James accepted it all very quickly. He asked a few questions sure but there was absolutely no panicking, unless Sirius wants to count that weird laughing fit James had. He had hoped that James wasn’t going to react badly but this was different, it was overall…calm, too calm and Sirius is not use to the idea of things going well in his life. He decides that instead of being left in the dark and unknown, he should just ask.
“Why did you laugh when I told you?” Sirius questions. He tries to speak in vague terms just in case someone happens to overhear.
James takes a second to consider his answer before shrugging and saying, “I thought it was funny.”
“What was so funny about it?” Sirius is confused. If he was in James’ position he would have been freaking out. He would have questioned further what it all meant, how it happened, why it happened, he would have left for a break away from it when it became too much. Not James though, because James thought it was funny .
“It doesn’t really matter.” James shrugs again and takes a sip of his drink. “The important part is that you trusted me enough to tell me, so thank you for that. The real thing we have to worry about is if anyone is suspicious of you. Is there anyone you’re worried about?”
Sirius has thought about this a lot over the past few days. He’s had to curate every move he’s made to ensure that no one suspects him not belonging. It’s been difficult but luckily James wasn’t the first person Sirius found solace in to help him.
“No,” Sirius says, “I’ve been really careful. If I’m not then I don’t know what will happen, just like all of the weird stuff that’s been happening the last week. Do you know anything about that?”
James chokes on his drink but quickly recovers. He looks at Sirius like he’s contemplating what the best approach is for what he’s going to say, and that’s all Sirius needs to see to have his answer. Although, it does help when James says, “Yes…but you’re not the only one I’ve promised to keep secrets for.”
Sirius feels his entire body flinch at the response. Could there really be? Is it possible that he wasn’t the only mistake that was made? That he’s not alone?
“Th-there’s someone else like me?” He barely manages to get the words out, overwhelmed with what it could mean to not be alone in this. It helps that he has James but no matter how much James could help, he will never truly know what it’s like to be put into a place of paradise and be forced to realize that he was meant to be placed in literal hell.
Sirius doesn’t belong where all of the good people go, and he thinks that if he had been put in the Bad Place initially, he would have been fine. Obviously, he would have been tortured but some part of it would have felt right , because that is where he deserved to go. Now however he has gotten to experience the other side, the good things that the universe offers to the cream of the crop and he can’t just willingly give it all up. James, no matter how good he is, no matter how much he cares for and loves Sirius, he will never be able to grasp what that feeling is.
“Even if there was,” James says, “it wouldn’t be my place to tell.”
“I can understand that. If there does happen to be someone out there,” Sirius says with a wink, “whether you know now or you find someone else, that is a person you can tell about me.” James’ jaw drops at Sirius’ words but Sirius presses on anyway, “It obviously could be dangerous, having two people like me together but it could be worth it too.”
James nods and doesn’t say anything more on the subject.
After about an hour they decide to head back to their respective houses. Sirius hangs back for a few minutes to prepare himself for seeing Barty. He’s lucky that his house is so far away from the town square but even these extra few minutes are precious. James leaves him with a hug and a wish for luck which Sirius returns.
Sirius tries to push all of his thoughts into something that makes sense, ignoring the things of the past, events that have already happened, and aims to think of the future, a future that is now possible. Having James on his side has just increased his chances of being able to stay here ten fold. He would have been fine never having told James his secret but he knew with how quickly they were becoming close that it wouldn’t have been fair to hide such a large part of himself.
With one final look at the clock on the wall Sirius gets up and begins his journey home. With his mind so focused on the future and of having to see Barty soon, he isn’t expecting to run into somebody entirely different.
~*~
James walks into his home to find Regulus, looking guilty. Not again , he thinks to himself. He decides to take a moment and ignore it. Collecting his thoughts as he walks into the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water. He can feel Regulus’ presence behind him before he turns back around. James takes a deep breath and swallows the water before meeting the pair of grey eyes.
“James I-”
“Just tell me what happened please.” James sighs as he cuts Regulus off, not wanting to hear the apologies, readying himself for how they are going to find a solution to the newest problem. James very clearly felt the rumble of the Earth a few minutes ago. After he had left Sirius he went straight to Regulus’ house, although he didn’t go inside. Instead he went behind the house to the large lake that made up the backyard. He hadn’t gotten to enjoy it much with everything that had been going on the past few…the entire time he’s been here, and with Regulus out of the house and Sirius soon heading back to his own home, he thought a few minutes of peace might be good for his head. Evan’s orders and all that.
Regulus closes and opens his mouth a few times, taking a moment to gaze at the floor before looking at James again and explaining, “I was with Barty again, trying to make friends and be around good people. Which you encouraged me to do by the way! Everything was going fine but then I saw somebody and I can’t explain what happened but I needed a distraction very badly. You can’t understand how important it was that I got out of there as quickly as possible.”
“I would understand if you would explain it to me.” James interjects, giving Regulus a pointed look.
“I told you that there are just some things I won’t be able to tell you, and this is one of those things. I’m sorry James but I can’t explain further than that. Maybe one day but not today. The point is what I did…kind of caused a sinkhole to open up.”
The way that Regulus explains it isn’t frantic or have any sense of panic or guilt behind his voice, he’s trying to ease James into simply accepting that this is just something that happened, like telling him that a picnic day has been cancelled due to rain.
Some part of James wants to rage, another part wants to cry, part of him wants to laugh until his insides hurt again. Instead of acting on any of these emotions he stands before Regulus and simply does…nothing. How else is he supposed to react at this point?
Since James has joined the afterlife everything has been Regulus . He’s been content enough to accept this as his new fate even if it does cause his head to spin and torment his inner mind on occasion. That was until things became, Sirius . Because Sirius was a best friend that James never got to have, and Sirius was a part of his soul that he found far too late but right on time. But that time was over so quickly, because now things are not Regulus and they are not Sirius but they are Regulus and Sirius, one in the same. Neither of them know it but James is going to do everything he can to make sure that one day they can be Regulus and Sirius like they once were.
James never asked for much in life, and in death he won’t ask for much either, but this . Just this. Please give this. Give him the opportunity to bring them together again. He has listened to the way Sirius talks about his childhood, in vague details of tears and blood but there are some memories he speaks of as if he’s not quite sure they’re real. Those memories always involve his little sister. Sirius’ little sister who is no longer little and is no longer his sister but from what James has learned about Regulus there is such a strong chance that those faded good memories Sirius has of his childhood are real.
The bits and pieces of Regulus that James has gotten to know in their short time together has shown him that there was once a light that’s been dimmed from his time in that house. James has seen that light carefully seep back into Regulus as he’s made his slow and steady progress towards being good. It’s not shining and all empassing but it’s a spark that could one day grow into a flame.
So as James stands in front of Regulus, hearing how the black haired man for some reason did god knows what to cause a sinkhole to open up in the middle of their eutopic paradise, he’s not sure what he should be feeling, he’s not sure what he should be thinking, all he knows is that he feels the overwhelming urge to try and find a way to fix this, so that maybe, just maybe he can get the only thing he is asking for.
All of James’ thoughts are cut off by a high pitched twill. The holographic screen in Regulus’ living room lights up with a video of Evan appearing. “Attention residence,” Evan says. “A sinkhole has opened up in the town square. It will not be safe to go outside until we resolve this. We are in lockdown until further notice.”
The screen cuts off, James and Regulus stare at one another. Regulus speaks, and what he says perfectly encapsulates everything James has been feeling since the moment he met the Black brothers,
“Fuck.”
Chapter 7: If Pains Must Come
Notes:
I’ve updated the tags to say Sirius Black&Barty Crouch Jr rather than ( / ) because I have come to realize I cannot in any way get myself to write Sirius as having even a bit of romantic interest in anyone else but Remus and I am not sorry about it. I tried. It was bad. Oh well
On that same note there was a question in the last update about if there is going to be Rosekiller or not and I can tell you that there definitely will be, you can’t have pizza with a diet dr. kelp ya know. Jegulus and Rosekiller are both slowburn relationships within this fic.
That being said, Rosekillers relationship is planned to start picking up in Part 2 but I am still contemplating. When I originally planned all of this out I wanted to do a 4 part set up, similar to the 4 seasons of TGP. I very much have some chapters from Parts 3 and 4 already written or large portions of chapters. However, I worry that it may be too much and may stick with just Part 1 instead although that feels somewhat like it would be incomplete and most of the girls wouldn’t make an appearance until 3/4. If you have any thoughts please let me know. We still have 13 more chapters for Part 1 to go anyway so there’s lots of time to decide.
Warnings:
Brief mention of past childhood abuse
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Intense, Long, Certain, Speedy, Fruitful, Pure-
Such marks in pleasure and in pains endure.
Such pleasures seek if private be thy end:
If it be public, wide let them extend
Such pains avoid, whichever be thy view:
If pains must come, let them extend to few.
- Jeremy Bentham
***
It has been two hours into the lockdown and Regulus is already losing his mind. Over the past few days he’s tried staying in his house whenever he can, but it’s the idea that he has no option now but to stay, that is driving him slightly mad. To add onto it, since James returned from his time with Sirius he’s been acting…weird to say the least. James’ pacing has done nothing to relieve any of the stress Regulus is feeling.
“Either sit down or go pace in another room.” Regulus snaps and glares as James stops in his tracks, looks around for a moment as if he didn’t even realize his insistent back and forth, and then takes a seat on the couch. James folds his hands in between his knees and begins to bounce his legs at a speed Regulus didn’t know was possible. Regulus sighs exasperated, falls back into his chair and begins rubbing his temples.
“James I swear to God I will throw you into the sinkhole myself.” He bites out.
“Do you think that Evan knows it was you? It’s been a while now since the storm. Maybe he won’t make any connection to it. I mean it’s possible but what are the chances? What if you left something behind that can be traced back to you? Oh my God Regulus what if somebody saw you?” James speaks without a breath between words.
Regulus sighs again and opens his eyes to meet James. “You’re spirling.” He says, “I’m not anywhere near as worried as you are and it’s my life on the line here.”
James jumps up to his feet and tugs on his hair as he resumes his circular pacing, “You should be! You should be panicking right now. Why am I the only one panicking?”
Regulus gets up and walks to James. He places his hands on James’ arms to hold him still for a moment. “Look at me.” James looks everywhere but Regulus so Regulus moves his hands to cup James’ face. “James. Look. At. Me.” It takes another moment for James to comply. “Good. No one saw me” Regulus says calmly, “and I didn’t do anything that would have led anyone to believe it was me. Take a breath.” James inhales through his nose and exhales through his mouth trying to regain himself. Regulus can feel him relax under his touch.
“Good.” Regulus says. “Now stop fucking pacing!” With that he turns on his heel and heads to the kitchen leaving James stunned in the living room.
The hours pass which soon turns into days. Regulus and James rarely talk to each other outside of their ethics lessons. Regulus tries to figure out if he’s ignoring James or if it’s the other way around. He understands why he doesn’t want to talk to James, all of the panic that radiates off the man is almost contagious and someone needs to have a clear head about things. They can’t both be panicking. If James is ignoring Regulus however, Regulus has no idea what he did to deserve that. The idea makes him want to speak to James even less.
Whenever they happen to be in a room together Regulus can feel the nervousness seeping off of James without having to look at him. James has been sweating, mumbling to himself, pacing, chewing on the erasers of pencils, once he even did it to a pen by accident and ended up getting ink everywhere.
He tries to think of what could be causing James to act this way. Is this all about the sinkhole? James was so calm when Regulus told him, like he almost didn’t even care. That can’t be it. If that’s out of the question though then Regulus can think of nothing else that it could possibly be that could be causing James such distress. Unless it’s as simple as James is upset with Regulus himself…
Regulus knows the ‘good person thing’ would be to reach out and apologize for whatever he did that is making James not want to make eye contact, but his stubbornness is winning out on this one. If anyone is going to apologize here, it is going to be James.
On the fifth day of lockdown they’re covering Utilitarianism. James stands in front of the whiteboard with the names Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mills written in chicken scratch accompanied by dates and key components of their ideas.
“Utilitarianism is a branch of consequentialism. Consequentialism believes that it is only the results of your actions that matter, the ends justify the means kind of thing. Utilitarianism takes it further and says that what matters is making sure you are putting the most amount of pleasure out into the world and the least amount of suffering.”
Regulus barely hears James’ words as he copies what’s written on the whiteboard down in his notes.
“It’s not just about pain and pleasure; It’s the amount of it, how long it will last, how certain you are that the outcome will actually happen, how quickly it can happen, how many people it will impact, and the probability that the opposite of your desired outcome will-will happen…” James trails off.
Regulus looks up from his notebook to see James staring at the six words on the board, Intense, Long, Certainty, Speedy, Fruitful, Pure. He’s studying them as if he didn’t write them himself, questioning how they got there and what they mean. Regulus wonders what thoughts run through James’ head. Does it have to do with their ongoing battle of the silent treatment or is it a revelation of some other kind?
Some thought snaps James back to reality and he tries to continue as if there wasn’t an awkward pause in the middle of the lesson, “So yeah-it’s all about the consequences. Put the good out there and keep away the bad.”
Regulus wonders if that’s it. If James is having a hard time separating the good he is causing from the bad when it comes to helping Regulus. The potential consequences, from any outcome, lead to some suffering for James. Regulus is the bad, and even if he is trying to be good and even if he succeeds, James is still suffering.
James continues to speak and Regulus writes down what he says. Something is eating away at James and Reglus can’t quite figure out what it is. Instead he tries to ask questions here and there in the hopes that James sees it for what it is, a calling out, an apology, and a desire for them to go back to how they were. James doesn’t take the hint, and when the lesson is over he erases the whiteboard and heads to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
~*~
Five days locked in a house with Barty, and Sirius is slowly losing his mind. Barty keeps wanting to talk to him, do things with him, get to know him, and Sirius has no interest in any of those things. He would rather run outside, find that sinkhole, and dive in headfirst than have to put up with another moment of “What’s your favourite color?” He’s lucky that the house is big enough that he can stay far away from Barty when it becomes too much, but he can only play off being tired and asking for some alone time for so long. Eventually he’ll have to sit down with Barty and point blank say that he is in no way interested.
Sirius quietly walks past the door to Barty’s room and hears the faint hum of the classical music the green haired man plays when he goes to sleep. It’s the first time since the lockdown that Sirius has felt that he has had some true alone time during the day. Sirius creeps down the hall to his own room and quietly shuts the door behind him. He presses his back to the door and closes his eyes, breathing in and out deeply, enjoying the silence.
“Remus!” He shouts. A faint ping is heard and Remus stands before him, warm jumper, dark jeans, messy hair, and all. Sirius smiles wide at the man-Well not a man, before him. Sirius still doesn’t fully understand what Remus is but he is good enough to look at that he doesn’t particularly care.
Sirius jumps away from the wall and leaps into Remus’ arms. He wraps his legs around Remus’ waist and holds on tightly, burying his face into the taller man’s neck. “I’ve missed you.” He says, knowing he’s probably hard to hear.
After a moment Remus lets him go, setting him carefully back onto the floor. “It has been a few days since you have called.” Remus says. There is a faint smile on his lips, and although it is small it is far larger than it was the first time Sirius met him.
Sirius leads him to the bed where they sit across from one another, knees touching. Remus sits with his back straight, Sirius tries to mock the position so they can remain close. “With the lockdown it’s been hard. I had to make sure Barty wouldn’t know that you were here.”
“I still do not understand why it must be a secret that you have me visit you.” Remus replies.
Sirius sighs, they have been over this. “Firstly, you enjoy being around me, don't lie. Secondly, if Barty finds out that you visit me he’ll wonder why you do. That’s a line of questioning that will easily lead to him finding out I don’t belong here.”
“And if he knows you do not belong here, he may tell Evan, who will send you to the Bad Place.” Remus finishes for him.
Sirius smiles warmly, “Exactly. So for now we don’t tell him.”
Back on his first day in the afterlife Sirius had overheard a conversation James and Regulus were having with Remus. Remus had told them that there are two topics he is not allowed to discuss with people, what the Bad Place is like, and any personal information on any resident. Sirius used this information to his advantage as soon as he was able. The second he had a moment alone, he summoned Remus. He confirmed his suspicions that even Evan couldn’t access personal information about residents once they enter the afterlife. He told Remus everything that night.
Sirius spent so much of his time in life alone, he didn’t want to feel that way again here. He thought Remus would be the only person that would ever know the truth about him but that was until James entered the picture as an unexpected but welcomed surprise. He didn’t need to tell James the truth, and maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t, but a friendship like theirs couldn’t be built on foundations of such dishonesty. Sirius knew that and that’s when one person knowing his secret had become two.
After Sirius told Remus the truth they began having rendezvouses whenever Sirius managed to make time. Sirius vents about things going on in the neighborhood, the chaos that he thought he was causing since he was at the scene of each crime, his conflicting feelings about telling James the truth. It has felt almost therapeutic to let it all out before his thoughts could crowd his mind.
Through their time together Sirius has felt them get closer. He’s not quite sure what it is but the comfort he feels with Remus is probably related to Remus not being able to share any of Sirius’ secrets. To have somebody unwavering in their loyalty and willing to listen to anything he has to say.
“I do enjoy being around you Sirius.” Remus says, bringing Sirius back to the present. “You do not ask things of me like everybody else.”
“What do you mean?”
Remus sighs and contemplates his answer for a moment, “My purpose, the reason why I was designed and created was to help the residents of the neighborhood. I am supposed to bring people things, take them places, and it is very much give, give, give. I am asked to do things and I comply because it is my purpose. I do not complain and I do not mind because it is who I am. You are the first person I have met here that does not ask things of me. Instead you let me take. I take your secrets and the knowledge that has been missing from me about your life. You are the first person to give me something.”
Sirius smiles. Remus has given him so much and doesn’t even realize it but if Sirius giving over these small pieces of himself mean so much to the man before him, he will continue to do so however he can.
There has been a question plaguing Sirius’ mind since he first unleashed all of his secrets onto Remus. He hasn’t found the right time to ask it in their short moments together but since Remus brought it up, now is as good of a time as any.
“You said that I gave you information missing about my life.” He begins carefully, “You know everything, so why didn’t you know who I really am?”
“I do know everything about you but I store information in a similar way that people do. Sometimes I am not aware of what I know.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I am aware of what I know when I am thinking about it. It did not occur to me to think about your past so it did not come to the forefront of my thoughts. If I had a reason to think about who you are and the life you lived, I would have known.” He must see the confusion that still marks Sirius’ face, “Let me ask you a question. What is three plus five?”
“Eight.” Sirius says quickly.
The corner of Remus’ mouth upticks. “Precisely. You know that three plus five is eight but you do not think about it unless you are asked or are presented with a situation where you must think about it. The information is in your mind the entire time but you are not always thinking about it, so, there are times when you do not realize what you know.”
“Okay…I think I understand?” Sirius says.
“You say that as if it is a question. Do you need another example?” There is a small furrow between Remus’ brow, highlighting the faint scar across his nose. Sirius wants to reach over and smooth it out, easing away the tension.
“No it’s alright.” He says and tucks his hands under his legs. Although Remus’ face remains confused he doesn’t voice any questions about Sirius’ actions.
His bedroom door still closed, and the faint sound of a piano from a few rooms down, Sirius lets their conversation drift. He tells Remus about his talk with James and his interaction with Regulus a bit before the sinkhole formed. He talks and talks all while Remus sits content to listen, to take it all in.
He’s not sure how much time passes before they realize his words no longer have a background melody.
~*~
Regulus picks up the books and study materials from the coffee table. Having nothing better to do he decides he should get a head start on the next reading. He grabs his copy of Selected Writings on Utilitarianism by Jeremy Bentham and opens it up the last page he read. Leo jumps onto his lap and curls into a small ball, softly purring, easing away some of the tension Regulus has been feeling.
“The several simple pains seem to be as follows; 1. The pains of privation. 2. The pains of the senses. 3. The pains of awkwardness-”
Regulus slams the book shut, startling the small cat. Is that what this feeling is? The pain of awkwardness? The past few days could be described as that, James fidgety and Regulus silent. James is trying to teach Regulus about putting the most good out into the world that he can while easing suffering, and Regulus knows how to do that. All he has to do is sit James down and give a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if he doesn’t know what it’s for. It would bring happiness back and eliminate this suffering they are both feeling from the tension that sits between them. It should be easy enough. He can do this. He can be good.
Standing outside of James’ door is the first step. Done. The second, knocking on it, appears to be a lot harder. James isn’t some unknown being that Regulus has to face, he’s just James. He just needs to lift his hand up to the door and tap on it. That’s all he has to do. Why can’t he do it?
He is Regulus Black for fucks sake. He has aided and abetted criminals since he was a child. He has participated in schemes since he could look at a stranger and say “I lost my mummy and daddy, can you help me?” while giving them puppy dog eyes that had them bending to his very will while his parents robbed them blind. He can knock on a damn door and give a simple apology. Regulus looks down and sees Leo looking up at him, mocking him with a quiet meow.
Regulus scoffs, “What would you know? You’re a cat.”
He raises his hand, fingers locked in a fist and gives the door a small tap. James doesn’t answer. Oh well he tried. He turns to head back to his own room when the door opens. James stands before him with an empty water cup in hand. He looks Regulus up and down before asking, “Did you need something?”
James is wearing maroon joggers and a white tank top, his hair tousled from how much he’s been toying with it the past few days and for some reason unknown to Regulus, he isn’t wearing his glasses. The entire time James has been living with Regulus he has stuck to long sleeves and now his arms are fully exposed showing the muscles he has been hiding the entire time. His eyes are smaller without his glasses to magnify them but his eyelashes appear longer. Regulus feels like he’s looking at James for the first time.
“Regulus?” James asks again.
Regulus clears his throat, unsure of when his mouth went dry. “Right-um. I was wondering if you had a moment to talk.” He looks at the ceiling while he speaks, because he finds the colour interesting and for no other reason.
“Sure. S’not like I have anything else to do.” James says with a dejected tone. Surely he knows Regulus wants to apologize, why would he be upset about that? Nonetheless Regulus heads back into the living room while James heads back into his room to grab his glasses and then fills his water before joining him. He takes note that James sits as far away as possible on the other end of the couch, practically sitting on the arm.
If Regulus is going to put all of his trust in James, he needs that trust in return. He needs James to be able to look him in the eyes and say the words “I trust you” but part of Regulus knows that James doesn’t fully trust him. A few days ago when Regulus went out with Barty alone, it wasn’t trust that James had in him but rather a hope that he wouldn’t mess things up. Maybe that’s why when Regulus made the sinkhole occur he lost that last bit of trust he had been cradling from James. The first part of rebuilding that trust is to show James that he can make an apology for a mistake he made.
“James,” Regulus starts, “I’m sorry for causing the sinkhole.” James’ head whips up as he looks Regulus in the eyes confused. Clearly Regulus has more that he needs to apologize for. “I’m sorry that I did it knowing that there would be disastrous consequences. And I’m sorry that I can’t tell you why I did it.”
“Regulus-”
“No.” Regulus sighs. “I know that’s not everything. I’m sorry I’m putting you through all of this.” The words spew out of Regulus, an uncontrollable mess of everything he knows deep in his bones that he needs to apologize for, “I’m sorry that you don’t get to have a real soulmate. I’m sorry for everything that I did at the party. I’m sorry that I ask you to trust me and then I break it. I’m sorry I keep making all of these messes. I’m sorry I told you the truth when you deserved better.” He can feel tears prickling in his eyes, “Ignorance is bliss and all that.”
James lunges forward and envelops Regulus in a hug. Regulus wanted to be the one that was strong enough for the both of them, but even the brightest of stars can’t shine forever. He doesn’t let any of his tears fall, he can feel broken but he won’t show it, he’s done enough of that to last himself thousands of lifetimes.
Slowly and all too soon James pulls back, arms holding onto Regulus’ shoulders. “Take it all back. Right now. Take it all back.”
“James,” Regulus sighs.
“No. I won’t hear it. I need you to look me in the eyes and take all of it back right now.”
Is this a test of some kind? To see if Regulus is a good enough person to own up to his mistakes? James has never played games with Regulus like this before and it fuels something different inside of Regulus' stomach. He feels a flicker of a flame in his belly, an anger towards the man in front of him. James thinks that he can test Regulus? That he is the end-all be-all of what it means to be a good person? The points system that got them both into the Good Place was enough of a test and Regulus won’t take another one. He doesn’t belong here, he knows that but he’ll be damned first before he lets James fucking Potter make a mockery out of his apology.
This is why Regulus doesn’t show emotions. This is why he keeps it all inside because there is no point to it. It either gets him hurt or it hurts those around him.
Regulus rips away from James hands. James quickly retreats his arms back to his sides. “No.” Regulus says sternly. He goes to leave, to get away from the couch, from the living room, from the house, from the neighborhood, from the afterlife, from anywhere in the proximity of James Potter. But James is faster. James reaches up and grabs Regulus' wrist like a vice. Regulus tries to escape him but it’s no use, James is stronger.
“James. Let me go.” Regulus bites out, standing still and staring James down.
“No,” James says. “Not until you agree to come back to this couch and tell me what the hell just happened.”
“Until I tell you what happened?” Regulus’s voice rises. “You act so grand like you’re the greatest thing to walk this place. Hey everyone get a load of this guy! Mr. Perfect over here! He thinks he can just toy with people’s emotions! Someone can come over to him and apologize for something they’ve been racked with guilt with for ages and he turns it into a test to see if they actually mean it!” Regulus' chest heaves as he yells and James stares blankly back at him.
“Sit.” James’ eyes are cold as he makes his command.
“I’m not your fucking dog-”
“Sit.” There is fury behind James' one word that reminds Regulus of the day of the trash storm. Regulus feels his face flush as he tentatively sits down on the couch.
James’ face relaxes slightly as Regulus obeys and James takes a seat next to him. “Thank you.” He begins. “Now I’m going to speak and you’re going to listen. You will not interrupt me and you will stay put until I’m done. Do you think you can manage that for a few minutes?”
Regulus glares up at him. “You have five minutes and then I’m leaving.”
“We’ll see.”
~*~
“Sirius-”
“He was acting so weird. Like I offended him somehow and all I said was ‘Hi’!”
“Sirius.” Remus cuts in sternly. Sirius shuts his mouth and lowers his hands from the air where they were making loud gestures to explain his story. Sirius looks at Remus confused for a moment until he says, “The music has stopped. Barty has woken up. Would you like for me to leave?”
Sirius’ shoulders fall. He doesn’t want Remus to go, of course he doesn’t, but he knows what he has to do. He’d give almost anything for a few more moments alone together. However, he knows the consequences of letting Remus stay, what would be at risk, especially now that James is involved. Remus sits in front of him waiting for an answer and reluctantly Sirius gives it.
“I want you to know that I’d like it if you never left.” Sirius looks into Remus’ eyes as he speaks, “I’ll call you back again tomorrow if I find the time alone.”
Sirius isn’t expecting it. Every time the two of them have been alone Sirius has been the one to reach out and hold onto Remus’ hand, he’s jumped into Remus’ arms, on one hard night he even traced the lines of Remus’ face. All of these small and large touches that mean everything to Sirius and he knows probably mean nothing to Remus, because Remus isn’t human and Remus doesn't understand human emotions and touches. Sirius is trying to teach him in his own way but he knows…it will probably never be enough.
That is why Sirius isn’t expecting it when Remus lunges forward and holds onto Sirius like his life depends on it. Sirius, in his momentary shock, doesn’t respond at first. He tries to get his bearings, he tries to take it in, he tries to understand, and it takes him another second to realize that he should latch his arms around Remus and hold on just as tightly.
They stay like that for a moment, awkward and causing Sirius’ back to slightly ache from the way they still sit across from one another on the bed, bent at an odd angle to hold on. He breathes in the scent of Remus one more time before they part.
“What was that for?” Sirius asks.
“I wanted to do it.” Remus says. “Did it make you uncomfortable? I know you hug me all the time but that does not give me the right to do it back to you. Did I overstep?”
Sirius laughs, more of a small chuckle than anything and says, “No, you didn’t overstep. Thank you. And you can do that anytime you want.”
The two men stand up and face each other. Sirius grabs Remus' hand and intertwines their fingers. “I’m going to miss you.” He says solemnly.
“I will await your summons.” Remus says, as monotone as ever.
“Well don’t go sounding so excited about it.” Sirius laughs.
“I cannot miss people. I can simply wait for the time when I will see you again.” Sirius feels a twinge of pain in his heart at the words but Remus continues on, unknowingly, “If it bothers you being around Barty so much, why do you not just leave the house?” Remus asks. Sirius is taken aback. Remus knows very well why Sirius can’t leave the house, it’s the same reason as to why Barty is stuck in this godforsaken place.
“The lockdown-”
“The lockdown is in place due to the sinkhole. The sinkhole that is in the neighborhood square.” Remus says, and the look on his face has the faintest trace of something. Any average person looking upon Remus wouldn’t be able to detect it but because he is Sirius, he knows that look all too well. Mischief. The way that it lingers in Remus’ eyes is a sight to behold. It startles Sirius for a moment. Remus, ever so smart, all so knowledgeable, but on the very rare occasion, says something absolutely brilliant .
~*~
James takes a moment to make sure that Regulus is going to remain true to his word and not interrupt him.
“Firstly, I do not think I am the best person to ever live and that needs to be made clear.” James starts. Regulus opens his mouth to object but James quickly says, “Shut it.” Which returns Regulus back to his muted state.
“Secondly, I’m not sure where you got this idea that I was giving you some kind of test. You were apologizing for things that you didn’t need to apologize for. That is why I told you to take it all back.” James pauses for a moment to see if Regulus is going to try and speak again, when he doesn’t, James continues.
“You told me in the beginning that there are things you won’t be able to tell me about and I accepted that. You are still learning, and becoming a good person is not something that is linear. You are going to make mistakes, there’s going to be hiccups. That’s something we both signed up for. I also knew that by helping you I’d be getting rid of any chances I had of getting a real soulmate. These are all things we both knew going into this. I accepted them the moment I agreed to help you and that hasn’t changed. There is no reason for you to apologize because there is nothing to apologize for. That is why I needed you to take back all of your apologies.”
Regulus looks stunned by the time James is finished. He doesn’t say anything but he doesn’t make any motion to move either, which James counts as a win.
James knew what he was getting into when he agreed to help Regulus, to hold onto his secret and to teach him. He knew what it meant and what Regulus was willing to give in return. James doesn’t know everything that will come their way but he’s prepared to stay next to Regulus through all of it. He’s not sure what he did that brought on all of this, why he needed to say it all out loud, but he hopes that maybe this is the reassurance that Regulus needed.
“Do you trust me?” Regulus asks and it startles James that that is the first response he gets from his small speech.
That’s what it all comes down to doesn’t it? Because Regulus has to have so much trust in James in order for all of this to work. He has to trust that James will keep his promise and not tell Evan or any of the other residences. He has to trust that James is going to teach him about being a good person, and will continue to do so even when he messes up. He has to trust that James is willing to stick by his side through chaos and investigation, through suspicion and storms, through sinkholes and all of the unknowns.
But where does that leave James? Does he have any faith and trust in Regulus? James’ first thought is to wonder what part of Regulus he’s being asked to trust. Does he trust that Regulus can become a good person or that he won’t mess up? Does he trust that if Regulus does mess up he’ll carry the guilt and regret of his actions? Does he trust Regulus purely and wholeheartedly, not just the bits and pieces of him but the entirety of who he is?
“Of course.” He says, and he surprises himself a little bit when it comes so easily. “I told you Reg, all the way. We’re in this together and that comes with trust from both sides.”
James can see tension seeping from Regulus’ shoulders and he feels his own body relax at the image.
Abruptly, Regulus gets up and leaves the room. James slumps back into the couch and closes his eyes, dejected. He’s not sure where he went wrong, he thought that they were on the right path, headed towards something . Regulus must not believe him or maybe he just needs some time. Time is something James can work with, they have so much of it.
James opens his eyes when he hears movement next to him. He looks up to see Regulus standing there with a bowl of grapes held out in offering. James tentatively takes it and places the bowl in his lap. Regulus sits across from him, closer than when they started, and begins to snack on his own grapes.
They sit quietly for a few minutes, contemplating all that has been laid out bare. Regulus is the first one to break the silence. “To make up for it, I am going to give you free reign to ask one question. One question that I haven’t answered or haven’t been willing to and I will answer it.” He says.
“You don’t have to do that.” James interjects.
“I know, but I want to.” He offers James a small smile.
James knows that Regulus is probably expecting him to ask about the sinkhole, what led up to it, what he did to make it occur in the first place, something along those lines. It’s the most obvious thing to ask, the build up of what the past few days have been. Instead, James knows there’s something far more important that he needs to ask about.
“I have been wanting to ask you more about your family…” James tries to approach the conversation with ease. He’s not sure how Regulus is going to react to the topic and is surprised when he responds by saying,
“What do you want to know?” Regulus pops a grape into his mouth after he asks. There’s no sign of tension or unease which fuels James with some confidence.
“You mentioned you have a brother?” James tries, still not fully believing Regulus won’t lash out.
“I did.” Regulus’ movements slow down as he continues to eat after speaking.
“Can you tell me a bit about him? Things you did together, what he was like, his name, that kind-”
“No.” Regulus cuts him off.
“You said I could ask about any-”
“I know what I said. The answer is no. Anything else but not about him.”
James should stop where they are now, ask about the sinkhole or anything else. He can see how uncomfortable Regulus is with talking about it but he has to find a way for Regulus to at least acknowledge that Sirius lives right next door. James wants them to be able to work through this together, two brothers who don’t belong in the world they were placed in and they could have each other to lean on, they could support one another, come back together like when they were kids in the memories that Sirius has of them. He can’t do that if Regulus won’t even admit to the name. Against his better judgement, he pushes further.
“You said any question and you would give the answer.” He tries.
“Why do you want to know so bad?” Regulus’ voice becomes louder, his cheeks taking on a tint of red, whether from embarrassment or anger, James doesn’t know. “What does my brother have anything to do with you? I told you he ran away and left me behind, simple as that. We were abused by our parents and he fled. There’s nothing else you need to know.” Regulus goes to leave again and James can’t help the words as they tumble out of his mouth.
“He doesn’t recognize you.” Sirius did say that James could tell someone else if they didn’t belong either. Regulus’ entire body goes stiff as he slowly turns back towards James.
“ What are you talking about?” Each word punctuated hard and James wonders for a moment if he has just made a terrible mistake.
“Sirius he-he doesn’t recognize you…I thought-” James looks down at the floor dejected and hoping that not looking into Regulus’ face as he says it will erase any pain he’s about to feel. “I thought you should know.”
“Pray tell, but why would he recognize me?” Regulus already knows the answer, James knows he does, but he’s forcing James to admit it.
“Regulus…”
“No James! Don’t infantilize me. Don’t pity me. Don’t patronize me right now. Why the fuck would he recognize me?”
“You have the same last name and the same story.” James finally looks up and sees the look of betrayal in Regulus’ eyes. It hurts far more than he was expecting it to. He speaks quietly, the words hard to get out, “It’s not that hard to put two and two together.”
“How long have you known?”
“Five days. The day of the sinkhole.” At James’ words, Regulus’ back straightens, his face has changed to a cold expression that makes James’ stomach lurch.
“It’s clear you don’t trust me James and that’s fine. I understand I’m not the most trustworthy person here but at least I don’t go around pretending like I’m somebody I’m not. I don’t hide secrets under the guise of caring about honesty so I don’t have to confront hard things. I promised to not keep secrets from you, I didn’t realize I had to ask the same in return.”
Regulus turns to leave for good, and James can’t help but make one more attempt. “I didn’t tell him about you. He doesn’t belong here either, but he told me I could tell anyone I found who was in the same position.”
Regulus looks over his shoulder slightly, not bothering to make eye contact, “Of course he doesn't belong here.” He says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “He killed me.”
~*~
Sirius slowly creeps down the stairs towards the front door, trying not to make Barty aware of his plans to leave. He’s about to make a turn to the final set of steps when he hears muffled voices from the front door.
“We’ve both been locked in since you said no one could leave their homes.” Barty says.
“That is good.” Another man says, Evan by the sounds of it. “And you have been doing what I asked of you?”
Sirius can hear Barty sigh as gives a simple, “Yes. I have.” as a response.
“You have done well so far Bee. Keep it up and you will get what was promised.” There is something strange in the way that Evan speaks that Sirius can’t quite put his finger on. Although, he imagines having to deal with everything that’s been going on lately would cause anybody to stress. He hopes their conversation is coming to a close so he can finally make his escape.
The two men say a few more words to each other in a quieter tone. Siirus leans slightly forward, trying to overhear. His movement causes the floorboard beneath him to creak. He flows into the sound and descends the steps to avoid being caught eavesdropping.
Sirius takes in Evan, the top buttons of his untucked shirt are undone, his hair in a state reminiscent of someone having run fingers through it many times. Under his eyes there are dark undertones from lack of sleep. He looks a mess.
Sirius puts on his best smile as he greets their visitor. “Evan! What brings you by?”
Evan tries to smile in return but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just checking in on everyone. I’ve just stopped by Regulus and James’, so you were next on the list.” Sirius wants to ask how his neighbors are doing but Evan speaks again before he gets the chance. “I best be off. I’ve got a lot more people to check in on. Call me or Remus if you need anything at all.” Evan gives a dejected wave with two fingers as a goodbye before turning away and leaving Sirius alone with Barty.
Barty shuts the door and goes to say something to Sirius but whatever he was going to say is lost when he sees Sirius grab his jacket and head for the door.
“Where are you going? We’re supposed to stay in the house.” Barty makes no moves to stop him and for that Sirius is somewhat grateful.
“I’m headed out.” Sirius says as he puts his jacket on. Barty looks at him stunned and confused. Sirius decides that Barty doesn’t deserve to be left completely in the dark when he tacks on. “I’m just going next door. I’ll be back in a few hours. It’s just getting too much being stuck in here.”
Sirius feels like he should maybe hug Barty or offer him some kind of comfort. He’s not the only one stuck in this house, and maybe he’s been ignoring Barty a bit too much. Instead he pats Barty once on the shoulder before turning to the door and leaving the man behind.
~*~
James lays on his bed trying to think through everything. His head is pounding with all of the thoughts rushing around. He killed me. He killed me. He killed me. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? There’s no way that Sirius is a murderer. Sirius told James he ran away from home when he was sixteen and lived on the streets for a few years before being taken in. That’s still a lot of years to work with but it just doesn’t make any sense.
James wants to find out what it all means but Regulus locked himself in his room immediately after their conversation. Now James is at a loss and he doesn't know what he’s supposed to do next.
He hears a faint knock and a spike of adrenaline shoots through him. Regulus must have come by to explain everything, knowing that he left James a confused mess. James can apologize to Regulus for keeping this giant secret from him and all will be well again. Things are going to be okay. When he opens his bedroom door however it is not Regulus he finds standing on the other side but Sirius.
When Sirius jumps into his arms it is only on instinct that James catches him. His mind tries to catch up, to understand what Sirius is doing here. He should be back in his own house with Barty.
“Sirius what-what are you doing here?” His voice comes out wobbly and frayed. “How did you get in?” Sirius can’t be here right now. Regulus will think that James invited him over so they can make amends and yes that is something that James wants but he didn’t plan for this.
“I came to a realization James!” Sirius says as he jumps down from James’ arms. “The sinkhole is in town square right?” James nods as a response, “Your house, which is unlocked by the way, is the farthest from town square, therefore it stands to reason that your house is the safest place to be right now. So really I’m doing myself a favour and protecting myself by coming over.” Sirius smiles brightly as he speaks, but it quickly fades when he sees the look on James’ face.
James isn’t sure what he looks like at the moment, but he can feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest.
“What’s going-oh. Of fucking course your here.” Regulus stands in James’ doorway looking back and forth between James and Sirius. James knows what Regulus must be thinking so before he can incriminate himself James cuts in.
“Babe look who decided to visit!” James tries to put on a cheery tone, hoping Sirius buys it and Regulus sees right through it. “Sirius got the bright idea that since the sinkhole is in town square that means it’s safest here.” James rolls his eyes.
He looks to Regulus and watches as his shoulders fall slightly and his face quickly contorts into something less harsh, understanding veiling his features. “Idiot.” Is the only response he gives before leaving the room.
Sirius, ever lovely and everly stupid Sirius leaves after Regulus and follows him into the kitchen causing James to rush after the both of them. “I don’t think we’ve properly met yet Regulus. There was that time at the party but I don’t think that really counts.”
Regulus reaches up into the cupboard to grab a cup, “James talks about you all the time so I’ve got the idea already.” He fills his cup with water and takes a large drink before refilling it.
Sirius looks back at James, hands behind his back and a gleam in his eyes. “Oh do you now? What kinds of things have you told Reggie about me?” Regulus chokes on his water at the nickname.
James, heart pounding, head throbbing, and a lack of breath in his lungs says the first thing he can think of. “I told him how you have those weird shaped prongs on your electrical cords.”
Sirius’ face scrunches up, “What?”
James eyes Regulus hoping he caught the use of their codeword. James had been practicing what to say in a situation with Sirius present when he needed to use it. It’s not until the words leave his mouth that he realizes how unnatural it all sounds. Regulus makes no move to indicate he’s planning on jumping in to help.
James gives a small laugh, hoping it’ll cover the awkwardness. “Yeah those weird prongs on your electric cords. Very odd. Never seen anything like them.”
Sirius looks like he’s genuinely considering if his electric cords are oddly shaped. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s something you’ve actually told Reggie about me though?” Sirius asks as his smile returns to his mouth.
Maybe Regulus didn’t catch the codeword. Maybe Regulus forgot what the codeword is. That must be it. He can’t be leaving James out to dry in this. They made a deal and that has to be greater than any fight they’re having at the moment.
“Between him and Barty,” Regulus says, and James feels like he can finally take a real breath of air, “I’ve heard plenty. Don’t worry about it.”
Regulus goes to leave the kitchen and heads into the living room, once again with Sirius on his heels. “Interesting,” Sirius mumbles to himself.
When they enter the living room Sirius takes a moment to examine the decor. James already knows how much Regulus hates it but Sirius seems fascinated by all of it. The collages behind the couch of different constellations embedded with odd portraits of dogs. He takes particular interest to one picture of what James recently learned is the Canis Major constellation. He taps on the glass pointing out a star, “That one’s me.” He says as he turns back to James.
“So…” Sirius rocks back and forth on his feet, the air is filled with uncomfortableness and Sirius seems to be the only one willing to fill it, “Crazy stuff happening in the neighborhood?” He tries, and when it receives no response he tacks on, “What do you think Evan is going to do to fix it? You guys know what caused it?”
Sirius looks to James with pleading eyes and then down at the back of Regulus’ head. This conversation is akin to asking about the weather. No one really knows or cares.
“I think he’s going to take a two- pronged approach.” James says, looking back to Regulus who is rolling his eyes at James’ feeble attempt.
“Yeah?” Sirius asks, “What do you think he’s going to do?” He sounds truly interested which makes James feel a small pang in his heart.
“Well there’s the lockdown while he investigates…” James trails off not sure where he’s going with this.
“And the other thing?” Sirius asks.
“Yes James, what is the other prong in this approach?” Regulus smirks and raises an eyebrow at him. This is not what this was supposed to be. Regulus is supposed to help James out of these difficult situations, not dig him a deeper hole to get lost in.
“I’m sure Evan’s got plenty of ideas.” James says, trying to brush it off, “Nothing for us to worry about.”
Sirius takes a seat and quickly makes himself comfortable in a home that is very much not his and James takes a moment to admire how someone is so easily able to do that. James watches as Regulus scoots himself as far away as possible from Sirius, still avoiding making eye contact.
“I mean it’s possible” Sirius says, “I don’t know what I would do in that position. Not knowing what caused it or who caused it.”
At this point James knows that there is no way that Regulus could think that James invited Sirius over and told him who Regulus actually is. That is the small part of him that is relieved by Sirius’ comments and questions, the other part, the much larger part, is dying inside. Out of all of the things to talk about, this is what Sirius had to bring up? When Sirius and James are alone conversation comes so easily, so naturally, but this is just brutal.
Secrets lay in the tension between all of them. Sirius doesn’t belong here. Regulus doesn’t belong here. The person that knows the most about both of their situations is James himself, who isn’t sure what he could possibly do or say to make any part of this easier for anyone in the room. For the first time since he’s met him, James wants Sirius to leave. Until James can figure out things with Regulus it’s going to be best for all of them to remain separated. There’s only one thing James can think of to make that happen.
“Sirius, did you know that the tines on a fork are called prongs? And the points of a trident are also called prongs? There are so many prongs out there it can be hard to keep track.” He lets out a small laugh. He sounds so stupid. It’s awkward, it’s weird, it makes absolutely no sense.
Regulus tilts his head with a glare in his ‘Are you serious right now?’ look that James has unfortunately gotten quite familiar with in their time together.
Sirius lets out a genuine laugh. “At this point I’m going to start calling you Prongs if that’s the only thing that’s taking up your mind.”
James would be able to find the humor in that, if the situation weren’t so dire at the moment. He closes his eyes and lets out a quick silent prayer. It’s answered when he opens them to see Regulus standing up, “Sirius I know you came over here to spend some time with James but I’m afraid I need him for the rest of the night. You know, for soulmate things. Speaking of, shouldn’t you be getting back to your own?” Regulus puts a hand on Sirius’ back and ushers him towards the front door.
“Well I’m sure you know Barty and I don’t get on.”
“Exactly so, what better time to rectify that than when you’re forced to be with one another.” Regulus says as he opens the door, not giving Sirius another moment to respond and pushes him out of the house. He turns back to face James, glaring.
“You didn’t have to be so harsh.” James says quietly, rubbing the back of his neck, a tingle of guilt creeping through him.
“Two-pronged approach?!”
Notes:
Regulus: Struggling
Sirius: Having the time of his lifeI 100% opened up my copy of Selected Writings on Utilitarianism to a random ass page and just so happen to have found the perfect little insert there
Fun Uncomfortable Fact: The poem at the beginning by Jeremy Bentham is one he wrote to help people remember the key aspects of Utilitarianism but that man also has his corpse displayed in a terrifying marionette style thing at University College London in the student center. It was one of his dying wishes. I feel like the suffering people endure from looking at it would greatly outweigh the pleasure but who am I to say?
Chapter 8: Annihilation of Dignity
Notes:
Sooooo this chapter was originally over 17k words long so it is now in two parts
Warnings:
Black Brothers
Walburga and Orion
Mentions of death
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
By a lie a man throws away and, as it were, annihilates his dignity as a man. - Immanuel Kant
***
Two days since Sirius’ unexpected arrival, officially marks one week of the lockdown. Regulus has still not forgiven James for lying to him. James knew for days who Regulus’ brother was, and that he was so close. Maybe there were some parts that Regulus could have grown to forgive. He could have accepted that James wanted Regulus to come to him in his own time and admit the truth. That would have been fine. But that wasn’t all that there was to it. Sirius doesn’t belong here. Regulus was never alone in all of this, and his brother is in just as much danger as he is.
Sirius’ house is only a five minute walk away. It would be so easy for Regulus to leave his own home and walk that quarter of a mile to his brother, to sit down, and lay everything out. Who he is, where he’s been, what he’s doing here now. So easy. But Regulus can’t. He can’t because he doesn’t know how Sirius will react to all of it. Sirius left Regulus alone in that house and never came back for him, so why would he care now? He would just see Regulus as another liability, another hurdle to get through in order to maintain his place here.
After days of waiting, the call finally comes. The screens in the living room and bedrooms light up depicting Evan’s smiling face and he says the words everybody in the neighborhood has been waiting to hear for seven days. “The sinkhole has been fixed. It is now safe to go outside.” The words repeat in Regulus’ mind over and over again. It is now safe to go outside. It is now safe to go outside. He’s finally free of this place, of being so close to James all the time, of having the constant reminders of his brother surrounding him no matter where he looks. He can go, and it takes everything in him to not burst through the front door the second he hears those glorious words.
Instead he sits. He sits on the edge of his bed with Leo curled up next to him. He absentmindedly strokes the kitten’s back. He strains his ears trying to listen for the sound of James leaving the house. James will probably grab Sirius and they’ll go do something together now that they’re free to go back and forth between their homes. Unless of course, James is worried about the sensitive topics Sirius may try to bring up again. Regulus doesn’t know what James will do, because all ethics lessons the past two days have been cancelled and neither one of them have left their rooms except to eat and use the bathroom. People spent less effort trying to avoid the plague.
There’s no sound that comes from outside his room. The minutes tick by and Regulus comes to the conclusion that either James has slept through the announcement or has decided to stay put. No more hesitating, no more waiting.
Regulus gives Leo one more conscience pat and a small kiss on the forehead. “Be good.” He says before leaving his room. He grabs a light jacket, despite knowing that the weather is perfect and it will probably make him hot. Having something to cover his arms feels like putting on a piece of armour, and a small pinprick of a thought in the back of his mind tells him that he’ll be needing it, something secure.
Regulus leaves his home, and for the first time in a week he feels like he can breathe again. He takes a deep inhale of the outside air, the fresh scent of grass mixing with the salt of water. Birds chirping as he walks by, greeting him after so long away, the sound carried by the gentle breeze that drifts through. He was never one to truly enjoy the outdoors but he may have to rethink his stance on that matter.
He takes the long way to the center of the neighborhood, admiring the way the forest slowly gives breath for more homes. The distance between buildings narrowing as he walks, the sounds of nature slowly leaving him behind. Before long his senses are met with something new, something he truly never thought he would miss; the hustle and bustle of people as they move around, reclaiming the town.
There’s a beauty in it, Regulus thinks, people finding themselves again. Friends and neighbors speaking after so many days apart, couples enjoying alone time, coffee being drank from favourite cafes, people lounging by the fountain taking in the sun’s rays. Chatter and movement fill all of the spaces that were empty just hours ago. It’s peaceful in its own way.
Regulus isn’t sure where he wants to go first. Maybe he’ll find Barty and they’ll go to the arcade again, or Peter will want to grab a bite to eat. It suddenly hits him that he’s missed being around these people that he is slowly starting to call friends. He’s not sure where they would be, where their first stops outside of their homes would lay, so he takes to meandering around, figuring that he’ll run into them eventually.
“Regulus, I need to speak with you.” A rushed voice cuts through his thoughts and Regulus stops dead in his tracks. The bright colors of the neighborhood seem to fade, he swears the birds stop singing and his neighbors stop moving. When Regulus turns around to meet the speaker’s eyes, Evan looks disheveled.
Although Evan’s hair is styled there is a patch that looks as if it was missed while it was being tamed. His shirt, although tucked into his belt, is harshly wrinkled. When Regulus looks down he notices Evan has on two different pairs of socks.
Regulus tries to find his voice and barely manages at the simple task, “What do you need?”
“I think we should speak in private.” Evan says quickly, and even if his words come out calm there is a panic behind his eyes that sends a shiver down Regulus’ spine. Regulus finds just enough strength inside of himself that allows him to nod. Evan grabs his arm and pulls him away; the dimmed neighborhood left behind.
Evan pulls Regulus through the neighborhood until they reach a familiar building. To the place where Regulus woke up two weeks ago and found out his life had ended. Evan’s office. They walk up the stone steps and past the large pillars that adorn the outside of the building. Regulus barely manages to keep up as they go through the wooden doors.
It feels different now, taking this path in the opposite way he once did. When he had woken up Regulus was keen to take in as many details as he could, but he was far more concerned with understanding what was happening. Now he notices things he didn’t the first time around. The small hallway that leads to the waiting room has pictures of famous people that have made it into the Good Place hanging on the walls. The air still smells crisply of lavender, but there is also a faint mix of eucalyptus. There is a brightness to the hallway, it is not dingy but rather a sense of life seems to flow from it, a guide as a person enters the afterlife. It is far more menacing on the reverse journey.
When they enter the small office space Regulus tries to get his breathing under control. There is no point in him panicking yet. He doesn’t fully know what’s going on but that has proved time and time again here that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There are any number of reasons as to why Evan would want to speak with him…in private…in his office…
Regulus is a planner, he always has been. Since day one here but truly since the moment of his birth, he has made sure that he can see everything that is coming towards him, all of the possible paths that he could take, all of the solutions that he could create. Even when he has taken risks he has done it seeing all of the possible outcomes and what they would entail. He has never been one to simply accept what is handed to him or to live in a state of ignorance. Ignorance may be bliss and sometimes it is better to be left in the dark with the what if’s , but that is not the way that Regulus operates.
It is with the most strength he has ever mustered that Regulus wills himself to calm down, slow the rapid beating of his heart, push air in and out of his lungs, and accept that for right now, he must not panic, and it is okay to be unsure of what is happening.
Despite that, he still can’t help but ask, “What’s going on Evan?”
Evan takes a seat in his chair behind the desk. “Remus!” He calls out. When Remus appears, Evan asks about a file he had apparently requested earlier. Remus makes the file appear and after handing it over to Evan, disappears back into the void.
Evan quickly opens the file and shuffles through the papers. “We have a serious problem here Regulus. I’ve never heard of anything like this happening in a neighborhood before and I’m not sure what went wrong but we have to get to the bottom of it.”
In and out. In and out. Regulus tries to control his breathing. Evan clearly doesn’t seem to think that Regulus has had anything to do with the neverending chaos that’s occurred. Which begs the question, why?
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” Regulus begins, “but why have you asked for my help?”
Evan sighs and rubs his temples with his thumbs. After a moment of easing away whatever pain he was feeling he clasps his hands together, elbows on the desk and answers, “As the number one point getter here, I believe that you could be of great use to me. I know I asked that you participate in neighborhood bonding activities as a way to bring these people together, and I know that this is far more than I asked of you, but I hope that you’ll say yes anyways. There is something terribly wrong here. I think-well I think there is an issue with one of the residents and that is what’s causing all of this chaos to occur.”
Regulus tries to look stunned at Evan’s words. He doesn’t have to try too hard to accomplish that small task. Evan thinks that somebody is the reason for the problems that have been happening and he thinks Regulus has absolutely nothing to do with it. If Regulus plays his cards right, he can come out of this completely unscathed.
“Why do you think it’s one of the people?” He asks.
Evan falls back into his chair and takes a deep breath, “This neighborhood has been specifically tailored for the people that live within it. I personally designed every aspect of this place. From the sharpness of the blades of grass to the amount of clouds in the sky based on the time of day. I’ve accounted for absolutely everything.
“To be frank with you, this is the first neighborhood I’ve ever designed. I have a lot riding on making sure that everything here works the way it’s supposed to. I can’t count the amount of hours of preparation, design, and crafting this place took. The only factor that makes sense, something I couldn’t account for, is one of the residents acting out, behaving strangely. I’m not sure what it is, but that’s my top guess, and it would be the most dangerous one to occur. It’s best to rule it out first if it’s the case.”
Evan pauses, letting the information seep into Regulus. “Do you have any idea who it could be?” Regulus asks tentatively.
“I believe that the chaos on the second day was related to something that occurred during the welcome party. There is a small list of people that were present at the scene of each incident, the welcoming party, trash clean up, and the town square when the sinkhole occurred.” Evan leans forward over the desk. “I hate to have to ask this of you Regulus but I must if we are to get to the bottom of this. If you help me I ask that you do not get emotionally invested. I won’t show you the list, as there are unfortunately people on it that I have seen you grow to care about. I assume that if one of them were at fault, you would of course come and tell me, but if they are deceiving you, I don’t wish you any pain from taking part in their investigation.”
Regulus does a quick mental tally in his head covering who he cares about. He comes up empty but after another moment, he realizes that there are people. Just minutes ago he was thinking about how he wished to go see his friends. He supposes there is James. Even if they’re not on speaking terms, that doesn’t take away all James has done and said he’s willing to do to protect Regulus. Then there’s Barty, who Regulus has grown unexpectedly close to. Outside of James, Barty is probably his best friend at this point. He has spent some time with Peter and Gilderoy but he wouldn’t say that he particularly cares about them.
His list is fairly short and he’s perfectly alright with that. Regulus didn’t intend on getting close to anyone until he learned to be a good person but he’s found comfort in these people. Peter who makes the worst possible jokes that gets everybody laughing. Barty, who he can sit next to and be silent with, or will talk to Regulus without expecting responses in return. James… who he can be authentically himself with even when he messes up.
Regulus can’t promise he won’t get emotionally invested because if these are the people at risk for being investigated and it’s all his fault? He doesn’t know what he’ll do. Guilt creeps through him, not an unknown feeling but an unwelcomed one. When did he become like this? He use to act based on what would be best for him and him alone. There was never suppose to be others he thought to factor in.
Realistically even if James or Barty or even Peter were the number one suspects on that list, it wouldn’t matter. They are good people and they actually belong here. If everything was somehow connected to one of them, there would be no actual proof to be held against them, no denying their lives on Earth and all that they did. Regulus would stand by them no matter what and defend the kind of people they were, and are. If it isn’t one of them however, if Regulus is putting a stranger in harm's way, should he care? He thinks James would. No. He knows James would. A good person would.
“Regulus?” Evan asks, quietly, carefully, as if to not startle Regulus from his contemplation, “Is that something you can do?”
Lying is morally wrong. Immanuel Kant said that there are certain rules that we as people are bound to, and there are no excuses for breaking those rules, the Categorical Imperative. He had put lying as one of the major rules to not be broken. No person should lie about anything, ever, because it is our duty as people to be honest with one another.
Regulus remembers a quote he had talked about with James from Kant before everything blew up. By a lie a man throws away and, as it were, annihilates his dignity as a man. Regulus is ready to throw away and annihilate his dignity if it means protecting those few people he cares about.
“Yes. I can do that. What do you need?”
Evan’s features relax as he accepts Regulus’ answer. It only takes a moment before he’s rifling through his papers once again, pulling out numerous sheets, carefully placing them on the desk.
“To start with I want to know your opinion on some matters. I have a general idea of the kind of person that we’re looking for. I’m hoping that being a human and having built connections with some of your neighbors, you’ll be able to provide insight that I don’t have. Being an authority figure, I’m sure people put on a certain facade around me.”
Regulus nods his head as a response.
“As I mentioned before I began looking at people that were at the scene of each crime scene so to speak. Someone who was at the welcome party, was a part of the clean up crew prior to the trash storm beginning, and was in town square when the sinkhole occurred or right before it.” Evan looks up from his papers to make sure Regulus is following along. Regulus gives Evan his utmost attention.
“Now the person that we’re looking for has most likely hid themselves away, rarely interacting with others, staying in their home more often than not. I would assume that they don’t want to give away any suspicions of themselves. They would have next to no friends. If they do have a friend or two, there is a chance that this person or persons, would know of our suspect’s tendencies to act sporadically. Does this sound like anybody that you know of?”
“Nobody comes to mind but I can be sure to keep a lookout.” Regulus says calmly.
Evan offers a small smile. “Thank you. I hope you know how much I appreciate that. I suggest that we meet either later today or early tomorrow to discuss things further. I’m hoping that we will be able to get to the bottom of this within the week.”
One week. Regulus has one week to try and make it out of this.
“After being locked away for so many daysI’m sure that this is the last thing you want to be doing. Be vigilant, Regulus, and report back to me anything that seems suspicious.”
Regulus stands up from his chair but one question remains on his mind, “Why are you asking for my help? Why not Remus’ or someone else like you?”
“Like I said,” Evan taps his pointer finger absentmindedly against the papers he holds in his hands, “People don’t always trust those in charge. Remus isn’t able to give me any private information on residents, his information system works differently for those of us here. But honestly, I think you’re a good person Regulus, you wouldn’t have gotten in here any other way. I’m asking for your help because I trust in you to do the right thing.”
Evan gives a small nod and Regulus takes his cue to leave. He leaves the small office, the waiting room, the bright hallway, the wooden door. The entire time Regulus can feel his heart beating in his head, it trembles through his body. Evan trusts that Regulus is going to do the right thing but sometimes doing right isn’t black and white. In the eyes of whoever keeps track of the point totals of humans, Regulus is probably about to do something very wrong, but in his own mind, it’s the only right thing he can do. Because yes, there is a person he can think of who meets all of those qualifications. Somebody that has remained hidden away, somebody at the scene every time, somebody that he should care about.
The plans he had made for enjoying the fresh air have been cancelled. He walks west of the neighborhood back towards his home. All of the small joys he had found on his journey into town seem like annoyances, reminders of how he doesn’t deserve this. The chirp of birds feels like a harsh ringing against his ears, the air tastes of salt and sweat, the heat of the sun blazes down on him, causing his clothes to stick to his skin.
When he finally reaches the house, he walks straight through the front doors as he has done so many times already. He goes through the hallway, past the living room, straight into the library. There you are. Regulus thinks. He’s sitting on the floor without a care in the world, without the knowledge that makes every breath harder for Regulus.
“Sirius, we need to have a chat.”
~*~
Sirius looks up stunned as Regulus stands in the doorway to the library. He had just been looking through the books to see if there were any copies of The Picture of Dorian Gray , his sister’s favourite novel, when he had gotten distracted by Maurice and proceeded to sit on the floor and begin to read it.
With the lockdown lifted he was free to go wherever he pleased once again but Barty had left the house first, and Sirius didn’t want to risk running into him. He had been hoping James might come by, and when he had heard the front door open, that’s who he assumed had entered his home. After being brutally thrown out of his neighbor's house just two days ago, Regulus is the last person he expected to show up here.
“Barty isn’t here.” Sirius says, mind still catching up to the present.
“I’m not here for Barty you fuckwit. I just said, ‘Sirius we need to have a chat.’” Regulus bites out while tapping his foot impatiently.
Sirius looks up to examine the man. His cheeks are flushed, he looks like he’s been sweating, probably due to that jacket he has on despite the warm day, and there’s something just beyond worry in his eyes. Those damn eyes. The eyes that make Sirius want to curl up into a ball and whither away.
“What’s your problem?” Sirius asks.
Regulus stares down at him, mouth drawn into a tight line, “We need to talk.”
Sirius gets up from his place on the floor and gestures to the two armchairs next to the fireplace. He hasn’t sat in them yet since living here, too many bad memories of his father sitting in the exact same one. With Regulus however, it feels natural to walk over to them and take his seat. Regulus takes the chair next to him, leg bouncing, teeth grinding against his lower lip.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?” Sirius asks. A slight fear tingles at the bottom of his stomach, “Is Prongs alright?”
Regulus’ face contorts into confusion, “Who’s Prongs?”
“James.” Sirius says simply.
Regulus’ jaw drops slightly, disbelief shown in his features, “You were serious about that?”
“Of course I was. I’m always Sirius.” Sirius gives a playful smile that drops the moment he remembers what he asked, “Is he alright though?”
Regulus scoffs, “ James is fine.”
Air swoopes back into Sirius’ lungs, “That’s good. Grand. What is it then?”
Regulus takes a deep breath, “You told James that he could tell anyone that you don’t belong here-”
“That’s not what I said.” Sirius cuts in, panic filling him once again.
“If you would let me finish.” Regulus grits through his teeth, “You told James that he could tell anyone that you don’t belong here, that you were misplaced, if they were in the same situation.”
Sirius’ mind takes a moment to process Regulus’ words. Could it really be? There’s another person here that doesn’t belong? He had really held out hope when James was being so vague, even when he was practically told that there was indeed somebody else. He still never expected Regulus of all people to come forward and be the one to make sure that he’s not alone in all of this. Well, actually, if it was going to be anyone, the fact that it is Regulus isn’t the part that’s so surprising but rather than Regulus is actually telling him , that is.
“Are you- You’re really- How? Whe-What?” Sirius isn’t sure what question he should ask first, his mind racing, unsure of when one thought stops and another begins. Regulus glares at him. “Why do you look so pissed about it?” The question settled on Sirius’ tongue.
Regulus’ knuckles turn white in his folded hands. “I’m pissed because I had no choice but to tell you. If I had it my way you would have never known.”
“But isn’t this a good thing?” Sirius tries, still confused by Regulus’ reaction, “I mean we both know that we’re not alone and that there’s someone else here that understands what we’re going through.”
“You don’t understand shit about what I’ve gone through.” Regulus’ eyes are trained and harsh, cutting through Sirius to the bone. It takes a moment but Sirius understands.
“All of the things that’ve been happening around the neighborhood…That’s been because of you?”
Regulus' pointed looks tell Sirius all that he needs to know. “Why are you telling me now then?” Sirius asks, “If you didn’t want me to know why are you telling me? Is it because of James?”
“James has nothing to do with this.” Regulus snaps. He takes a breath to calm himself, and although nothing indicates he has relaxed even a little bit, he continues, “I’m telling you now because we’re in more danger of being found out now than ever before.” His voice is hushed, like he’s telling a secret that only the two of them can share, which in a way is true.
Sirius has been so careful. How could he be in danger of being found out now? There’s nothing that he’s done that could implicate him. He’s kept to himself, avoided deep conversations with Barty and the only people that know the truth about him are Remus and James. Unless one of them turned on him which he thinks is unlikely so there’s nothing that could-
“Evan thinks I’m the reason for all of the chaos that’s been happening.” It dawns on Sirius as he says it. “I was at the scene every time.”
Regulus slowly nods in confirmation. “Evan has a short list of people that were at the main three locations at or right before the neighborhood malfunctioned. He told me that someone I care about is at the top of the list.”
Sirius is more confused than ever. He starts spewing out one question after the next, “Why doesn’t he suspect you? You were there too obviously. What do you mean somebody that you care about? There were other people at all of those places at the same time too. Why would I be suspicious?”
Sirius is grateful that Regulus answers each question one at a time, “I’m not quite sure why he doesn’t suspect me. I think it has something to do with me apparently being the number one point earner, or at least that’s what he insinuated. As to why I would care about you; James is supposed to be my soulmate and you two have grown quite close. That on top of Barty being a close friend of mine and being your soulmate, it stands to reason that someone looking in would assume that I care about you as well.
“Evan described the person that he’s looking for as a recluse. Someone who hasn’t built many or any connections with the other residents. Since your plan to blend in here revolved around you staying away from everyone else, it comes off as suspicious. The point is that from Evan’s perspective you would be the most likely candidate for the cause of everything.”
“You have to tell him the truth.” Sirius says the words before he can truly think about them. It makes sense though. “I wasn’t the one who went haywire and caused all of this to happen. If he thinks it’s me he’s wrong. Since I got here all I’ve done is try to stay out of everybody’s way, keeping my head down. It’s not my fault you couldn’t do the same.”
“No.”
“Regulus this isn’t right. I won’t go down for your mistakes-”
“Did I say that I was going to let that happen?” Although Regulus still looks like he is going to jump across the small space that separates himself and Sirius and throttle him, there is a look in his eyes that hides a sadness, a knowing part of him. Sirius wishes he could figure out what’s going on in Regulus’ mind because since the moment Regulus walked through his front door, nothing has made any sense.
“I’m going to figure out a way to get us out of this.” Regulus says, “That way we can both stay and no one has to get hurt.”
Anger flares in Sirius. This is all too much. Too much. It’s too risky to try and pin it on someone else when he’s the main suspect and the real reason for all of this is sitting right in front of him. “I will not go down for this.” He bites out, “You’re to blame and I don’t have a single reason to care if you get caught or not. Evan may think that you care about me but you clearly don’t. You’re trying to buy your time. If I somehow manage to get out of this, and you mess up again then you still have someone else to take the blame. If it falls on me now you’re just one step closer to getting caught. That’s the only reason why you’re pretending to give a fuck. You need to go tell Evan the truth or I will.”
Sirius’ chest rises and falls harshly, the words filled with anger he hasn’t felt since he was living at home with his parents.
Sirius swears he can see flames dancing in Regulus’ eyes. Fire consuming him. Regulus words come out a harsh whisper, “It’s just like you to try and abandon me again.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Sirius’ voice grows louder.
“Forget it.” Regulus sneers and turns away, breaking eye contact for the first time since they’ve sat down.
“No!” Sirius feels his throat grating, he stands up and towers over Regulus. “What the fuck are going on about?! You come into my house and tell me that you don’t belong here. You tell me that you never wanted to tell me. You say that Evan is close to figuring out that I don’t belong here and it’s your fault ! You want to pin it on somebody else. You’re trying to save your own skin and using me as a shield so don’t tell me to just forget it! What do you mean I abandoned you?!”
Regulus looks up and meets Sirius’ eyes. Sirius wishes he didn’t feel so many things when he looks into Regulus’ eyes. Pain, grief, joy, sorrow, longing, elation. A tangled web of forgotten memories with nothing to latch onto but those grey eyes threaded with tints of green.
“I’m your brother.” Regulus says all too calmly.
“I don’t have a brother.” Sirius snaps back.
“You always had a brother.” Regulus gets to his feet. “James told me your memories were faded, that you don’t remember my face.”
“I don’t believe you. This is cruel Regulus.”
“We grew up in a house together at Twelve Grimmauld Place.” Regulus cuts in. “An abusive mother and father who would beat us but you would always fight back. I stayed in the shadows as much as I could but when they noticed me you were always there first.”
Sirius can’t breathe. His heart has found its way into his lungs. His entire body is ringing. The more Regulus speaks the more Sirius knows what the truth is. His memories flood back into him.
“When we were children we would go to the park with the neighborhood kids and play tag. I would always hide in the slides but you would climb to the top and go through the shoot to catch me. My favourite breakfast was banana pancakes but mother would never let us have them so when they were out of town you would make them for me. One day you got caught making them and she locked you in a closet for the night. I slipped you food through the cracks so you would have something to eat because we didn’t know how long you would be in there.”
Sirius is in the car, vision tunneled. He’s going so fast, too fast. His phone is ringing and he knows that it’s Neil on the other side. The wind is whipping around him. He’s supposed to turn. He’s supposed to turn. He keeps driving straight. He knows what will happen and he doesn’t care. There’s screeching and yelling in the distance. He can feel the metal and glass of Neil’s car finding its way into his skin, scraping away at his bones. His heart is slowing, his breathing is ragged. He’s dying all over again. It hurts so much worse the second time around.
Suddenly, everything is clear. The memories of his childhood swarm into his mind. The images sharp enough to cut. His sister’s features are in full focus. It’s crisp, cold water in the heat of summer. Sirius reaches up to touch his brother’s face, “Re-”
“Regulus. My name is Regulus. It has been since I was eighteen.”
Sirius feels the tears streaming down his cheeks. When did he begin crying? “How do I-How do I know this isn’t a trick?”
Regulus' face goes cold again. Sirius wants to reach out, to touch his face, to hold him, to know that this is real. His sist- his brother, was never one for those soft touches, the kind that let a person know that they are loved and cared about. Sirius knows it’s best to keep his hands that long to reach forward, because Regulus has been gone for twelve years and now he’s right here, by his side.
“Believe whatever you want to Sirius. I’ve said what I can to convince you. Either way we need to find a way to get us both out of this. I’m not leaving this place and I’m not letting you leave me again.”
“I have so many questions. Regulus you’re dead!” Sirius is trying to figure out what this all means, “You died! How did you die? When did you get out? Clearly you got out of the house at some point. Did you know mother thinks you’re dead? What the hell happened!”
“Listen.” Regulus cuts in, voice stern, “I want to make one thing very clear. Just because I’m helping you does not mean I care for you. That part Evan got wrong. You were right to say I’m doing this for selfish reasons because I am. I will never forgive you for what you did. I want you to remain here so you can live in constant fear of being found out. I want you to know every day that I am here and I know your secret, that at any moment I can go to Evan and tell him the truth about you. I want you to live in paradise and I want you to be suffering the entire time because I’m here too. Call it payback if you must.”
This isn’t the Regulus Sirius once knew. This isn’t the brother he had as a child. Regulus was cold and ruthless before but he always had a spot in his heart reserved for Sirius. Even if Regulus is willing to go to Evan and turn Sirius in, Regulus knows Sirius won’t do the same. Regulus holds all the cards now, and Sirius’ fate is in his hands. Before this Sirius had options but now it seems he has none, because his brother is before him and that is all that matters now. There’s no point in trying to see it any other way.
Sirius tries to swallow the bile that’s rising in his throat. “Understood”, and then, a moment later, voice hoarse, “What do you suggest we do?”
Regulus sinks back into the chair, seemingly satisfied with Sirius’ willingness to give in. “We need someone else to take the fall for everything that’s going on.”
Sirius slowly finds his way back into his own chair. An uneasiness crawling through him. He’s not sure who this stranger in the room with him is, but he’ll do anything to protect him. “What about Barty? I wouldn’t mind getting rid of him. It would be one less person I have to pretend around.”
Regulus rolls his eyes. “No, not Barty. I’ve grown fond of him and if he makes you uncomfortable, all the better. Plus, I have someone better in mind.”
“Who?” Sirius asks with a raised eyebrow.
A small smirk plays on the corner of Regulus' mouth as he replies, “We’re going to clear your name and make Evan think he’s the problem.”
Notes:
I'm so excited for the next chapter
Chapter 9: Most Terrible Deception
Notes:
Thank you for the comments, I love reading them <3
Now strap in, this is the longest chapter I have posted so far and just know, I did what had to be done
Warnings:
Regulus briefly thinks about his childhood self in terms of being a girl
Brief panic attack
A little angst
Chapter Text
To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity. - Søren Kierkegaard
***
Regulus lays out his plan for Sirius. If everything works out properly they can return to their lives as normal within the week. The plan unfortunately involves the two brothers spending a lot of time together. If Regulus can survive these next few days, he can go back to pretending Sirius doesn’t exist, just as he barely existed in Regulus’ actual life, and he is determined to make that happen.
They begin the following day, and it all starts with toasties and coffee.
“This cafe has truly perfected the crunch of the bread without it being burned while still melting the cheese in that gooey way.” Evan beams as he takes another large bite of his sandwich. Regulus smiles up at him and gingerly takes a sip of his coffee. He hates the way it coats his tongue and he misses his teas, but he swallows, pretending to enjoy it.
“Couldn’t have said it better myself.” Regulus sets down his cup and glances over Evan’s shoulder, looking out onto the passerbyers. They’re purposefully sitting on the patio of a cafe near the heart of the neighborhood, where anyone could walk by. The sun is shining down on them, only a few clouds dotting the sky but never moving close enough to provide any shade. Regulus feels a bead of sweat drip down his back and recoils slightly at the sensation.
Regulus invited Evan out to lunch not long after his reunion with Sirius, claiming that he wanted to give thanks for all Evan has done for the neighborhood and for investigating the ongoing problems that have been occurring. Evan had gladly taken Regulus up on his offer, but now as they sit together, Regulus tries to recount the reasons why he’s doing this.
Sure he is trying to avoid eternal damnation for himself and his brother but would it really be all that bad if one of them ended up there? He could end this entire lunch now if he just came clean or turned Sirius in. He could wipe his hands clean of all of this, saying that last night he came to the realization that yes, he did know someone that sounded exactly like everything Evan was looking for and it was Regulus’ own next door neighbor! Isn’t that all grand? All’s well that ends well.
Regulus sighs and quickly pushes all of those thoughts to the side. He knows very well why he must continue onwards, even if this lunch, which has been going on for nearly an hour, has been grueling from the get-go.
Where is he? Regulus thinks. He looks past Evan again and is relieved to see Sirius fast approaching. His hair is pulled back tightly into a bun highlighting his numerous silver earrings. Rather than Sirius’ typical black leather jacket, he’s wearing an obnoxiously bright red shirt that seems to be a bit too short for his torso. Regulus rolls his eyes. Even when his brother is trying to blend in he can’t help but show off.
When Regulus remembers who he’s currently dining with he turns back to Evan to make sure the architect hadn’t caught his look of disbelief. Luckily Evan is preoccupied with opening his toastie, examining the inside.
“Truly Regulus I think this may be my favourite human food I’ve tried yet.” That brings Regulus fully back to their conversation.
“You’ve never had a toastie before?” Regulus asks.
“No.” Evan looks down sadly at his nearly empty plate. “Unfortunately I don’t actually need food to sustain my body so I’ve never had much reason to try different foods. They’re truly incredible though. Everything humans are able to do with different herbs and vegetables and well-everything that’s on Earth. You are all so remarkable.” Evan looks back up, and there is something in his eyes that Regulus can’t quite name. He doesn’t have much time to examine it however before Sirius finally reaches them.
“Hello Evan.” Sirius says, providing a small nod with his greeting. He then turns to Regulus, “and Regulus of course.”
“Sirius!” Evan preens, “It’s wonderful to see you out and about. How have you been doing the past few days? I apologize for how hard they’ve been, I'm sure.”
Sirius gives a dismissive gesture, “It’s been no problem. We have an eternity to enjoy this place afterall, what’s a few days indoors? I do have to say however that I’ve missed being outside with everyone. Nonetheless I’m sure all of it is behind us, and if not you’ll get to the bottom of it.” The way that Sirius speaks grates into Regulus’ side, it’s unnatural and so clearly fake. Sirius is trying way too hard and it seems so obvious that he doesn’t really mean what he says. When Regulus looks over to Evan however, there is no look of doubt at Sirius’ words.
Sirius turns back to Regulus, “Reggie, are we still on for later with the others?”
Regulus gives a nod as he says, “Yes. I talked to Remus earlier and he should everything set up by sundown. Have you spread the word?”
Sirius’ mouth thins and his cheeks slightly puff out. “I knew I was forgetting something. I’ll go do that now but I’ll see you at sundown!” Sirius runs off without giving a further goodbye.
“What do you have planned for tonight?” Evan asks intrigued.
Regulus waves a hand in front of his face, as if it’s no big deal. “Sirius came to me and said he thought that the neighborhood could use another activity to bring everyone together after so many days apart. We’ll be having a movie night in the square. It’s just a small thing for whoever wants to join.”
Evan’s smile grows as Regulus speaks. “That’s a wonderful idea. I wish I had thought of it! Yes, and you say Sirius came to you with this?”
Regulus hums and gives a small nod as he takes a bite of his sandwich. When he swallows he says, “He did. He really wanted everyone to get a chance to be together again. I was hesitant to agree to help, worried that another catastrophe might occur, but I thought that it could also be a good opportunity to see if anybody is acting suspicious.”
In reality it was Regulus’ idea to have the movie night. If he stays close to James then he has a much smaller chance of doing something that will cause the neighborhood to react, as they are still not speaking. All he has to do is sit still for a few hours and keep quiet. It also gives Sirius the chance to show Evan that he wants to be around people, and he doesn’t care who sees him. Sirius can’t continue to hide away in the shadows, he has to be the loud and proud person he once was on Earth.
“Absolutely brilliant Regulus.” Evan says as he takes his last bite and places a napkin over his plate. “I’m afraid I must be off now. Many duties that need attending to. Thank you for the lunch and the company. I look forward to seeing you tonight perhaps, if I can get away from my work.”
With that Evan leaves the patio and Regulus behind. This could really work , Regulus thinks. Somehow they may just be able to pull this off. He can’t get too ahead of himself though, they still have a few more days of deception to enact.
***
The movie night went just as expected, Regulus sat next to James on a small blanket, neither said a word to the other. Barty and Sirius sat next to them and Regulus found Barty’s company far better than either of the two other men combined. No chaos occurred, no mayhem rained down on them, it was simply a large group of people enjoying a double feature of classic comedies under the stars of the night sky. When it was over, they packed up and went home.
When Regulus first laid out his plan to Sirius, he made one thing very clear: they could not, under any circumstances, tell James what they were doing. James is a good person, an actual good person with moral codes, who believes in right and wrong. Simply put, if James found out what they were doing, he would do everything in his power, and say anything he had to, to make sure that Regulus and Sirius stopped dead in their tracks. James would put an end to everything, because he is well adjusted and Regulus knows James wouldn’t be able to see that they’re doing not what’s good or what’s bad, but what they have to do.
So, James is in the dark. Right now James is both in the metaphorical dark as well as the literal. The morning has yet to come, the sun has yet to make its crowning over the horizon, and all of the world is dark. Both of their rooms are adorned with a sunroof that lets in the light at first break, which causes them to wake up in the early hours, but Regulus needs to leave before James can catch him.
Regulus slowly creeps out the front door, holding onto the handle and frame as he shuts it closed, and begins to walk east. It only takes a few minutes for him to reach the spot he was looking for, and he’s grateful Sirius is already there, and Regulus doesn’t have to wait for him to show up.
Sirius sits on a rock in the middle of the forest, arms crossed against his chest. His hair is a mess, loose pieces falling from the knot on his head, bags under his eyes, and a look of annoyance so profound Regulus is surprised the birds don’t stop chirping at the view. “Are you missing out on your beauty sleep?” Regulus mocks.
“I was born beautiful as you very well know brother. ” Sirius sneers the last word. After all these years, he’s still not a morning person. Looks like Regulus found something they have in common.
“Trust me I don’t want to be here as much as you do, but we have to make sure we’re not caught talking about this.” Regulus takes a seat on a rock next to Sirius, thankful for the distance that sits between them.
“Yeah yeah I know. Let’s get this over with so I can go back to bed.” Sirius says as he rubs at his face. “Any update on Evan?”
“You saw he wasn’t at the movies which I was surprised by. I’m sure he’ll ask me about it later though.” Regulus begins, “We only talked for a little bit more after you left our lunch yesterday. He didn’t seem that surprised by the idea of you making a plan for everyone to be together, more upset that he didn’t think of it himself.”
Sirius’ eyes squint, “Okay I guess that’s good. What else though?”
“That’s all.” Regulus says simply, because there’s nothing else to say.
“You’re telling me,” Sirius yawns, but then his voice grows louder, “That you asked me to meet you in the middle of the forest at one of the most ungodly hours imaginable to update me with that?! ”
“Yup.” Regulus smirks.
Sirius scoffs and abruptly stands up. “I’m going back to bed.” He turns around and begins walking in the direction of his home.
“Dumbass.” Regulus says under his breath.
“I heard that!” Sirius yells, back still turned, marching away.
Perhaps Sirius knowing about Regulus won’t be all that bad.
~*~
The second day of deception has a similar goal as the first. Sirius must show that he doesn’t care about people seeing him, getting to know him. This is possibly the worst day for Sirius because it involved spending the day out in the open with Barty.
If Sirius had his way he would be spending his day sitting on the roof of his house in the company of Remus. Or maybe he would be at James’ house and they would recount stories of their lives together. What Sirius wants most of all is to be able to finally sit down with Regulus and get the full story of everything that happened since he left home at sixteen. Sirius wants to know all of the gueling details and hopes that they will be interlaced with some happy moments.
There is clearly a lot that happened to Regulus once Sirius left, and if Regulus would just give Sirius a chance, he would sit in silence for hours and listen. He wouldn’t even make any comments throughout it, he just wants to know . It’s been twelve years, he has missed out on so many things and when this plan with Evan works out, Regulus is going to go away again. Sirius’ little brother wants nothing to do with him and it breaks a part of Sirius’ heart he didn’t know still beat. It beats for the life that could have been if Sirius stayed, the one he missed out on when he left. It beats for the brother he never knew he had and never got to know. The brother that will shut him out when this is all over.
There’s no other option for Sirius. If he wants to stay, to have any chance at reclaiming what once was and what could have been he has to go through some suffering. Although Regulus said that he hopes Sirius lives his time in paradise in dread, Sirius still holds out hope. He wants to be able to stay, he wants his brother by his side even if the reminder of it all is painful. It seems like the best kind of suffering, the kind a person knows they deserve.
Barty has always been the first one to make a move, start a conversation, try and make their soulmate relationship work out. It comes as no surprise to Sirius that Barty’s eyes widen in shock when Sirius is the one to approach the green haired man for the first time since their arrival.
“You want to go out together.” Barty says, not a question but a statement with undertones of distrust.
“Yes.” Sirius says, hands clasped behind his back as he rocks on his feet. He aims for a tone of guilt and regret, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I think that I haven’t given what’s between us a fair shot. The system put us together so we must work out. I haven’t bothered to try but I want to try now, if you’ll let me.”
Barty eyes him skeptically, “What changed your mind?”
Why can’t he just say yes! Sirius had been hoping for a simple ‘yes’ as a response. Don’t get it wrong, Sirius is a very good liar, he grew up learning how to scheme, conjure up stories, project feelings he never had, but the one thing he has never quite mastered is pretending to like somebody he loathes . It is far easier to put on the facade for complete strangers.
He has no real reason for hating Barty, he knows that. Barty has been extremely kind and respectful of all that Sirius has asked for, time alone, a moment of silence, space, but from the moment Sirius met Barty, he’s thought that something was off. Something about the way that Barty speaks, how he holds himself, the questions he poses, the vague answers he gives. Coming from anybody else these would all seem like normal things but for a reason unknown to Sirius, when Barty does these things, they just feel wrong.
It takes a lot for Sirius to pretend to like those he doesn’t, and it will take a great deal more for him to eventually convince Barty and others that he’s in love with the man. Is it fair to Barty? No not at all, and Sirius can recognize that. Barty is simply a pawn in Sirius and Regulus’ game at this point. It’s cruel, and it’s not right, but Sirius holds out hope that one day, when Evan is gone, and suspicion of his brother and himself is lifted, Sirius and Barty can live together peacefully.
Sirius can meet Remus in those secret moments he’s begun to treasure like imperfect shells washed ashore on a golden beach day. He can run around the neighborhood with James and test the limits of what kind of trouble they can get into. He can slowly edge Regulus into an understanding, a kindling of siblinghood. All while Barty can…well he can do whatever he pleases but he’ll be doing something that actually makes him happy rather than being in this hoax of a relationship with Sirius.
“I had a talk with Evan and he encouraged me to put myself out there.” Barty looks slightly startled at the mention of Evan. Sirius hopes he doesn’t get any ideas about asking Evan if this conversation actually took place. He continues on before Barty can linger on it any further, “It may be uncomfortable at first, we barely know each other, but it’s worth trying. So, Barty Crouch, will you go on a date with me?” Sirius asks, trying to put a sense of pleading into his voice at the tailend.
Barty stands up, a small smile playing on his lips, and gives a slow nod. “Don’t forget the Junior next time.”
Barty asks where they’re going. He suggests that they go to the spa so they don’t have to speak as much and can just be around one another, which Sirius thinks is a fantastic idea but unfortunately won’t work. Barty then suggests that they go to the arcade that he and Regulus had gone to. Once again, the idea of having so many things to distract them from having to actually talk sounds like a dream to Sirius, but again, won’t work. Sirius reminds Barty that he’s the one who asked Barty out, so he should plan where they go.
Sirius had planned this all out with Regulus two days ago. They needed to go to a place where Evan could easily be guided to, and it wouldn’t seem too suspicious. Sirius lets Barty know about the location and then gives him an hour to get ready before they head out.
The neighborhood's putt putt golf spot ‘Putt Putt Golf Golf’ is just east of the town square. It’s slightly hidden behind a low wooden red fence and is adorned with umbrellas of various colours from pink and yellow to purple and blue. Bright yellow picnic tables sit at the front of the course next to a small wooden shack that provides easy snacks, popcorn, sweets, crisps and sodas.
The afternoon sun shines down on them, slightly blocked by the overhanging branches of trees that guide the path of the fencing. Each hole is marked with a small flag atop a thin pole, dark blue with a white number ranging from one to eighteen. A large cream windmill with brown blades, sits in the center of the course, while other objects and small mounds fall sporadically throughout. Crystal blue water flows from miniature waterfalls. The soft chatter of those who walk by the course seep through the fence.
Sirius approaches the snack shack which doubles as the location to get miniature putters and neon golf balls. The attendant is welcoming, as everyone in the neighborhood is, and provides a putter that matches each of the men’s height. Sirius picks out a navy blue ball while Barty picks a neon green that matches the stripes in his hair.
They have yet to actually speak to one another since leaving the house. The last words said being, “You ready?” which Barty responded with by nodding and opening the front door for Sirius.
Sirius is granted the relief that Regulus is prone to be right on time for things. Before he and Barty start the first hole of the course, Regulus walks by with Evan and James in tow. Regulus peers over the fence and spots Sirius. He quickly turns to Evan and says something but they’re too far away for Sirius to hear. It only takes another moment before the three men are walking through the front gate into the world of fake grass and hills.
“Mind if we join you?” Regulus asks.
Sirius smiles warmly, “Of course not! I’ve called blue and Barty’s got green so you have to pick out different colours.”
Regulus, James and Evan take their turn at the shack. They’re fit for putters and pick out their balls. Regulus silver, James red, and Evan yellow. Regulus grabs a scoring card and writes down all of their names before tucking the pencil behind his ear. Sirius notices the way James stares at the small gesture.
Sirius is the first one up. Then Regulus deems he’ll be the next one to go, then James, then Barty, followed by Evan.
It’s a quiet game with small conversation that ebbs between awkward and comfortable depending on who’s speaking to who. Regulus and Sirius try to speak as much as possible to one another, words interlaced with small laughs and smiles. Sirius can see the insincerity that lies behind every move Regulus makes towards him.
It isn’t long before James approaches Sirius with a question that Sirius has been dreading, “Have you noticed anything weird with Regulus recently? Him acting strangely?”
Sirius hates to lie to James of all people, “Can’t say I have.”
“You two seem to be getting along well the past few days. What caused the change?” James asks quietly, not wanting to be overheard by the others.
“Prongs,” James rolls his eyes at the nickname, which he brought upon himself, “we’re going to be here for eternity and as my best mate’s soulmate it’s important that I get along with him. I barely know him so I can’t say for sure that he’s been acting weird.”
Sirius feels a pain pierce through him as he says the words. The most truthful part of what he said is that he barely knows his own brother. He wishes that could have been part of the lie.
James nods in defeat and walks away, not bothering to say much else throughout their time on the course. James doesn’t deserve this. He deserves to know what’s going on. If anything it could be a risk that James doesn’t know what Sirius and Regulus are up to. But it’s not just Sirius’ life on the line here and he can’t be the one to dictate who knows what.
After Evan finishes his turn, making a remarkable hole in one on a course where the ball has to be hit through a waterfall, Barty pulls him aside. They speak in hushed whispers and Sirius worries for a moment that they’re talking about the conversation Evan and Sirius supposedly had about Sirius giving Barty a fair shot. Evan looks confused at whatever Barty is saying, and a small twinge of concern crosses Evan’s face so briefly, Sirius can’t even really be sure it was there in the first place.
When they’re done speaking and Sirius has finished his own turn, he pulls Barty to the side and tries to make small talk. Something bigger than the weather but smaller than their deepest darkest secrets. Evan needs to see the two of them connecting, seeing that Sirius is not afraid to be looked at, to be known. They talk about their family dynamics where Sirius learns that Barty was an only child. They speak of their favourite subjects in school, Barty took to maths. Small details of a person's life that make it easier to understand who they are today.
The more they talk however, the more Sirius begins to actually enjoy their idle conversation, learning these bits and pieces of Barty, but as time goes on, the less Barty is willing to give. His answers become shorter, more vague. It doesn’t make sense. He was the one who kept trying to get to know Sirius and now that Sirius is actually willing, he’s pulling away, hiding away pieces of himself as if he doesn’t trust Sirius to hold onto even the most basic of details. There is suspicion in Barty’s eyes each time Sirius asks another question, trying to learn more. Despite the fact that they were just fine moments ago.
Maybe Sirius waited too long. Perhaps he lost his chance to ever get to know Barty even if this was all going to end with them just being friends. Maybe having the others join them on their date was too much, a sign that even if Sirius was trying, he wasn’t going to put real effort in.
No matter what the reason, for the first time, Sirius feels the guilt of what he’s doing. Yes, he wants Regulus to be able to stay in the Good Place. Yes, he wants to be able to stay. He thought he knew the costs of that happening but knowing them and experiencing them are two different things. He can feel the weight of it as he watches brightness slowly drain from Barty’s eyes, a disconnect between what’s going on in his mind and the words he speaks.
Eventually, Sirius gives up. He’s putting Barty into a position Barty doesn’t even know about, and it’s not fair to him. If Sirius and Regulus are going to get through this, they can’t hurt other people in the process. They can think of other ways to make this work. They only have three more days of their plan left, and if all goes well, no one else will have to deal with the fall out of being known by them.
They go back and forth for hours. Conversations play between Regulus and Sirius, Regulus and Evan, Evan and Barty, Sirius and Barty, all while James stays on the side, observing everything, clearly trying to make sense of the positions everyone has found themselves in. Sirius wants to reach out, pull James to the side and tell him the truth about everything, but he restrains himself. It will only bring more hurt.
Soon enough they finish the eighteenth hole, and everyone parts their separate ways. Regulus and James go to their house, Evan heads to his office, and Barty follows Sirius to their own home.
As soon as they walk through the front doors, Sirius goes to speak, to tell Barty that he had fun today and maybe try to plan another date night. Before he can however, Barty heads for the stairs and makes his way to his room, shutting the door in his wake. Sirius sighs and goes to his own room. He debates calling for Remus and rehashing everything that’s happened over the past three days, just to have someone to listen, but he doesn’t.
Sirius has worried since Regulus came to him, that Evan somehow knows where Remus goes, where he’s summoned. It wouldn’t take a genius to look at that data and see how often Sirius calls on the man, and how long he holds him hostage with his stories.
Resigned that tonight will be another one alone, Sirius strips his clothes off until he’s only in his underwear and crawls into bed. He’s just gotten himself comfortable when he hears a faint ping . He bolts up, worried that he somehow summoned Remus.
Remus stands before him, as beautiful as ever, and Sirius can’t find the words he wants to say. Luckily it seems he doesn’t need them. Remus comes to his side and sits next to him on the bed.
“You are upset. I thought you could use a friend.” Remus says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
“How did you know I was upset?” Sirius asks.
“I told you, my knowledge updates when I think about what I want to know.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I was thinking about you, so I knew.” Remus says. He holds out his arms and Sirius instantly crawls inside them, holding onto the wool sweater, scratchy and warm.
Sirius doesn’t cry, he doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t smile. He sits there content in Remus’ arms and lets all of his thoughts from the day seep out of him into the night air. Remus isn’t called on while Sirius holds onto him. He isn’t called on as Sirius slowly feels his eyes get heavy and the beat of his heart evens out. When Sirius wakes up, he is all alone.
~*~
The following day, Regulus sits in Evan’s office in the uncomfortable chair at the desk. His hands are in his lap and his back is straight, a picture of poise. Evan has been rattling off about possible ways they can investigate the residents without being obvious or invading the privacy of those who are innocent.
The plan for day three luckily has nothing to do with Sirius. Instead, Regulus is under all of the pressure to make sure things go right. He has one chance to guide Evan’s thought process away from whatever he’s thinking, into what Regulus wants him to think. Today is the day to plant the seeds of doubt.
“Evan, I know that we’ve been talking about it being one of the people, but is there any chance that that isn’t the case?” Regulus asks.
Evan looks startled at Regulus’ words, his body physically moving backwards as to escape the thought that he could very well be wrong. “Regulus, I thought we had been through this. The most dangerous case scenario is one of the residents having behaviour that doesn’t align with those that belong in the Good Place. We don’t know what it could mean or what it could cause later on. It’s safest for everyone that we figure this out as soon as possible.”
Regulus nods his head thoughtfully, “I understand that it’s the most dangerous possibility, but it’s certainly not the only one.”
Evan sighs and leans back in his chair, “No, I suppose you’re right. It’s not the only possibility. I would like to rule it out first however.”
“If the people are the only thing we’re focusing on, but it isn’t one of them, then the problem is remaining unchecked and we could potentially experience more disasters. I get where you’re coming from but I think we need to look at other reasons as well.”
It’s all build up for what is to come. Regulus is very aware what is causing the problems, and he knows Evan is on the wrong track. The track Evan is on however leads to Sirius being found out and potentially Regulus later down the line. Regulus doesn’t even want to think of how Evan would react to finding out that the very problem of the neighborhood, the reason for all of the chaos, is sitting right in front of him.
The best possible thing they can do is try and convince Evan that it is simply not possible for one of the people to be the cause.
“I prefer if you have something on your mind, you speak freely of it Regulus. What are you thinking?” Evan’s head tilts and he gives a pointed look, something Regulus hasn’t seen from Evan before, slight irritation.
“You’re right I should just say it,” He really shouldn’t but if Evan is going to push him to, might as well, “I was thinking about when we met the other day and you told me that you personally designed every detail of the neighborhood specifically for the residents. If there’s a flaw in the system, maybe it’s not one of the people but a fault in the design.”
Evan scoffs, and the noise sounds unnatural coming from him. “I have worked so hard putting together this neighborhood for its residents. I don’t see how it’s possible that there’s something I overlooked.”
Regulus tries to push a little further, “This is your first neighborhood…” He trails off, trying to feign thinking, trying to put all of the pieces together, “Do most architects stay in their neighborhoods?”
“No but I hardly see how that matters.”
Regulus tries to take a beat. This is proving to be more difficult than he imagined, he didn’t take Evan as being someone so stubborn. “You asked for me to help you, and that is what I’m doing.” Regulus says calmly, as if trying to coax a feral cat from its cage, “From an outside perspective, from someone that can’t see all of the pieces in the way you do, I think that there’s someone missing from your list that was at each of those locations.”
“Who?” Evan asks as he reaches into his desk drawers and begins to pull out and shuffle around papers. He scans his eyes over the list in confusion, “You don’t even know who’s on here, how could you think I missed somebody?”
Regulus gives a small sigh, “I’m talking about you Evan. You were at least in the first two locations.”
Evan’s eyes widen. Regulus can’t tell if he looks shocked at being accused, or for not making the connection before. “I don’t-I don’t think I understand what you’re trying to say, Regulus. Please speak plainly.”
Regulus prepared this speech the moment he thought of the idea. The words have been replaying in his head for days and now he finally gets to use them. He is no longer Regulus Black at this moment, he is the younger version of himself. A young girl who knew just the right thing to say and how to say them, to get others to fall for her trap and make them think it was their own idea.
“During the welcome party, which you were of course in attendance of, I noticed that there were many guests who were overserved, the following day people woke up drunk, unable to walk straight even with ravens chasing after them. Let’s be honest, no one likes paper straws and they littered the house by the time the part was over. The next day? They rained from the sky.”
Evan listens intently at Regulus’ every word. Regulus soaks in the attention, hoping to hold onto the gaze of the man before him, hoping he will listen.
“On the second day, the chaos wasn’t cleaned up and we proceeded with community bonding activities. Trash and debris were everywhere and we all continued on as if nothing had happened, saying we would take care of it later. The storm felt like punishment for not taking care of our home.”
Regulus is careful to avoid the word, you and yours, and instead opt for ours and we . Regulus must be seen as someone who cares deeply for this neighborhood and those around him, one part of a large whole who wishes for all of this madness to end. Sure, one of the residents could be the cause of everything, but if someone is the cause, and it isn’t one of the humans who live here, who does that leave? The person who created it all.
“The sinkhole felt like an omen. When I spoke with others, they said the same. A punishment for ignoring the problems and continuing onwards. For not doing anything to fix it. A way for the neighborhood to tell us, the problem is obvious, it’s right in front of you, just look.”
Evan sits in stunned silence by the time Regulus is finished. Regulus knows Evan won’t be convinced right away, he’s probably still dead set on it being a resident over anything else, but the seed has been planted. He just has to hope that it’ll grow.
“All I ask of you Evan is that you’re not blinded by only looking at what you want to see.”
Regulus tells Evan that he’ll leave him be for now. He gets up from his chair and as soon as he walks out the front door, he all but sprints back home.
Thoughts race through him as he replays every word he said, every reaction of Evan’s face. The question protruding his mind over and over again, Was it enough? Could this be the start of Evan believing in a different path, looking inwards and seeing that, yes, this is a real possibility. Or did Regulus just doom himself and Sirius. Perhaps he came on too strong, and Evan saw it as suspicious. Maybe he’ll start suspecting Regulus for even considering the idea that Evan is to blame. There are so many possibilities but Regulus did what he could.
James waits for him in the kitchen. Their silent treatment has moved away slowly into simple greetings and farewells. Yesterday when Regulus asked James to come with him to putt putt, it was the most they had spoken to each other in three days. Even with the lockdown lifted James has been spending most of his time locked away in his room, and Regulus isn’t sure what he’s doing because he certainly isn’t with Sirius, and Regulus knows it’s better to not ask.
Regulus hasn’t forgiven him but he doesn’t want James to be suffering through this. Regulus made promises to always tell James the truth and that still stands now, and he can’t risk James asking him any questions. James can’t know what’s going on when Regulus has been leaving for the entirety of a day and slipping out of the house in the early mornings.
James deserves to know the truth but more than that he deserves to have a break from Regulus. He deserves to not have to worry about Regulus’ slip ups and mistakes and how he’ll be impacted by them just by knowing Regulus’ secret. If their plan with Evan doesn’t work out it’s not only Regulus and Sirius that will be in danger but it will be James too, because James has known the whole time and now he is complicit in their crimes, abetting the criminals. Regulus isn’t sure what the punishment would be, if there would even be one, if James was caught, but he doesn't want to find out, he doesn’t want to risk it.
So for now, James must remain in the dark. Regulus has to keep this distance between them stagnant because James can’t get any closer. He can’t look into Regulus and see what lies beyond, the unsaid words, the lies by omission, the defeat Regulus is worried will come, and all of the thank yous he has yet to give. James has given him so much, and Regulus deserved none of it, especially if this is how it’s all going to end.
James hands Regulus a cup of tea, black, no added milk or sugar, bitter in the way Regulus likes, and in the way he never told James about. Regulus reaches out slowly and takes the offering. He sips on it gingerly and takes in the hot liquid, feeling it make its course through his body before settling in the pit of his stomach, a hug from the inside.
James has been trying to apologize in these small gestures. Making tea that Remus has to be called on for. Organizing Regulus’ small library by placing his favourites in the front for easy access. Requesting different flowers be planted in front of the house, ridding them of the roses Regulus despises.
James kept so many secrets from him, and he may have had his reasons but it didn’t stop the hurt Regulus felt when James looked at him and said those damned words, “He doesn’t recognize you.” Twelve years of pain had coursed through Regulus in that moment with nowhere to go because his reason for all of the agony was such a short walk away and right in front of him.
Despite that, despite everything, Regulus holds himself back, because if he lets himself take one step further, lets his mouth open just a little bit, he knows what will happen. There is an endless stream in his mind and at the tip of his tongue, and they all want one thing, and that is to look James in the eyes and say, Thank you . For what? For everything. For staying by Regulus' side. For taking the risks even when knowing the costs. For trying. And then Regulus would end up saying, I’m sorry this might all end, and you may go down with me.
Regulus does not take any steps closer, he does not allow his mouth to move except to take another sip of his tea and feel the way it fills him and warms the soul he didn’t think truly existed. He gives James a small nod, and walks away, hoping that by the end, James will know all of those thoughts that course through his mind. And just maybe, Regulus will be forgiven.
~*~
James rises with the sun. It seeps through the window over his bed and slowly eases him out of his dreamless sleep. He use to dream often, but over the past few days it seems his mind has granted him a break, a few hours of a blank slate. He thinks enough during the day, he doesn’t want to be riddled with thoughts in the night too.
James sits up on his bed and begins stretching his limbs, reminding them of the waking world and that they must move. He gets up and walks out of his room in nothing more than his t-shirt and underwear. Regulus will be up soon, but not quite yet. Or so he thought.
He hears the front door slowly shut close and as he peers out the front window he watches as Regulus slinks away into the forest. It’s rude to follow after another person, it’s not right, but James finds his body and mind moving in two different directions as he slips on his shoes and trails after Regulus into the rising sun.
He makes sure to stay a few paces behind, ducking behind trees every so often before continuing his approach. They aren’t walking for long, maybe only two or three minutes before Regulus stops. When James peers around the tree he’s hiding behind, he can see why. Sirius is here and he looks irritated.
“What took you so long? We were supposed to meet half an hour ago.” Sirius says, voice groggy in the way that comes from lack of sleep.
“I obviously overslept.” Regulus responds as he sits down on a rock near Sirius.
James ducks back behind the tree and falls with his knees to his chest. He feels a tightness grow in his stomach at the familiarity that seems to live between the two brothers. They don’t seem pleased to see each other but there is something in their words, the way they speak as if they’ve done so much of it recently.
“How did the meeting go with Evan?” That’s Sirius.
When did Regulus start meeting with Evan? And why does Sirius know about it and not me? James and Regulus haven’t been speaking to one another but surely if Regulus started having meetings with Evan he would tell James about it. They’re supposed to be in this together.
“It went well I think. There’s no way to know if it worked of course but I think I got to him.” A slight pitch at the end of Regulus’ sentence, something James hasn’t heard from him in weeks, Regulus’ only tell that he’s lying.
“Does he still think I’m the reason for the chaos?”
“I think he’s going away from that idea. We still have two more days of the plan and by the end of it one way or another I’ll make sure Evan thinks he’s the reason.”
“Thanks…What do we do if it doesn’t work?”
“I told you I’m not letting you abandon me again. We’re both going to get out of this and I am going to spend the rest of my eternity making sure yours is miserable.”
James wants to run away, run far away from here, deep into the woods. He wants to jump out from behind this tree, the only thing that’s keeping him steady, and ask a thousand questions. His mind is pulling him in two directions and he’s not sure which one he’s supposed to take. Instead, he remains where he is. He sits and waits for Regulus and Sirius to finish speaking and then part. He watches Regulus’ back as it makes its way through the forest and towards their home.
It’s only when the outline of Regulus is gone that James finally breathes again. He inhales sharp and crisp but it’s not enough air. His lungs feel like they have expanded or maybe the air around him has thinned and he needs more of it to take a real breath. Either way he is empty inside. He leans forward and places his head between his legs, hands on his knees, a grip to turn his knuckles white. He tries to steady himself. He reminds himself of who and where he is.
Seconds pass and then minutes. It very well could have been hours before he finally is able to inhale the way the body was meant to. He stands up from his place on the ground, an ache present in his joints from so long on the dirt.
By the time James returns to his house, Regulus has left for the day. Maybe he’s at another meeting with Evan or concocting some other scheme with Sirius. No matter where he is, there are some things that are very clear to James.
He goes to the kitchen and turns the tap to the coldest setting, pouring himself a glass of water. He gulps it down, demolishing the desert that has formed in his throat. He then goes to the living room and wheels out his whiteboard. The remnants of their last lesson are on display. Intense, Long, Certain, Speedy, Fruitful, Pure. That feels like ages ago. He grabs his eraser and rids the board of the words.
James picks up a marker, uncapping it with his teeth, and begins to write. He writes down what he knows to be true.
- I fought with Regulus - he is mad at me and hasn’t spoken to me
- Regulus left the house after the lockdown was lifted
- He didn’t come home for hours
- Regulus has been having meetings with Evan
- Regulus and Sirius are familiar with each other
- Evan thinks Sirius is the reason for the bad things
- Regulus and Sirius are planning on tricking Evan
James has always thought best when things were written out. Some people prefer to speak to themselves or others, to get all of their ideas out in the open but for James, seeing the words splayed out in front of him is best. He sees the way they flow from one idea to the next. As he looks at his list of six things, six things that he knows to be true based on the conversation he just overheard, all of the pieces fall into place.
He’s not sure if he should feel sad and angry at being lied to, at having so many secrets kept from him. Or if he should be happy that the Black brothers found their way to each other, even with the circumstances they happened in.
In the end he decides that no matter what he’s feeling, he has to wait. He waits while the sun reaches its peak in the sky, while people pass on through their days. He waits while the light begins to move from radiating and bright to soft and gentle. He plays with Leo, he eats some food, he reads one of Regulus’ books, but the entire time, he is waiting.
Just after the sun dips behind the horizon, taking a final breath before its return in the morning, Regulus returns home. James doesn’t wait. He stands up and approaches Regulus before the other man has a chance to hide behind the wooden door of his room.
“We need to talk.” James says, trying to tamper all of his emotions from spilling out in those simple four words.
“I have nothing to say to you.” Regulus heads for his bedroom and James doesn’t wait.
“I followed you out into the woods this morning. I overheard you talking with Sirius.”
The last time James told Regulus something so large, so utterly big , Regulus snapped. He screamed and yelled and then he turned cold. This time, this time Regulus’ head falls, his hand drops from the door knob. He turns to face James and once again James sees a side of Regulus he has yet to encounter, this time it is defeat.
“You weren’t supposed to know.” Regulus' voice, just above a whisper, is riddled with guilt.
James’ first thought is that Regulus is trying to manipulate him, his second is that Regulus has been trying to protect him. James reaches out, arms wrapping around the smaller man. It only takes a second before Regulus is holding onto him too, tightly, tighter than he ever has before.
James guides them to the couch. He runs to the kitchen and pours Regulus a glass of water and when he returns to the living room he passes the glass over, watching as Regulus drinks it as if he is scared he will never get to taste it again.
“Explain it to me,” James says, “everything, from the beginning.” And Regulus does. He tells James about a conversation in Evan’s office where it was alluded to that Sirius was the reason for the chaos. He tells James about how he went to Sirius’ house and confessed everything. He tells James about the plan, the five day plan to fix everything and rid them all of Evan before he can grow suspicious of either of them again. He tells James about how each day went and how confident he felt that everything was going well…until today.
“I planted the seeds yesterday and I was really holding out hope that by today Evan would sway just a little bit in another direction, even if it wasn’t the one I wanted him to. But when we met he seemed more confident than ever that he’s on the right track. I can’t lose him again James, and I won’t go away either.”
There are tears brimming in Regulus’ eyes but he doesn’t let them drop, and James feels his own fall freely down his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’ve already done so much for me. I couldn’t ask you to do another, not when we’re so close to being found out.”
“What will happen to Evan if he leaves?” James asks, a question that has been plaguing his mind since he put all of the pieces together.
“He’ll probably go back to where he came from I’d assume. It doesn’t really matter.” Regulus tucks his knees up to his chest, resting his chin atop.
“You don’t know though…he could be punished for causing everything if they think that’s the reason. There has to be another way to make it so both you and Sirius can stay and Evan doesn't get in trouble.”
Regulus sighs, “I don’t think there is one. I’ve thought a lot about it when I was coming up with the plan and since then. Besides, there’s not enough time to think of something different, we only have one more day.”
“I don’t like this Regulus. There has to be something else.”
“There’s not!” Regulus yells, face tinting with red, “There is this and only this. There is making sure me and Sirius make it out of this with our lives and there is making sure Evan can’t think of suspecting us again. There is nothing else! If you don’t want to be part of it then that’s fine, I never wanted you to be anyways.”
Regulus gets up, ready to leave, but James grabs his wrist and pulls him back down. “I want those things for you too. I just wish there was more time to figure out another way.”
“There’s not,” Regulus’ voice comes out a hoarse croak. “And I’m scared I haven’t done enough. I’ve never been scared like this before.”
James wraps his arms around Regulus and pulls the man to his chest. He strokes Regulus’ back and offers hushed comforts. “It will be enough,” “We’ll get through this,” “I’m with you all the way,” “It’ll work.”
James keeps rubbing his hand up and down Regulus until he feels the fight seep out, the sound of a more shallow breath. James has to hold out hope for both of them. He knows that Regulus hasn’t given up yet, that this was a setback and he will wake tomorrow and be just as determined as he was when James knew nothing of the truth.
James tilts his head back and looks up at the ceiling wishing that out of all of the rooms in the house, this one would have a window on the roof. He wants to look out onto the stars, to see the one place Regulus and Sirius will always be together.
~*~
Regulus once again is in Evan’s office, maybe for the last time. Night has fallen over the neighborhood and the office is lit dimly by two lamps, casting a warming glow over the room.
Evan paces back and forth around the room while Regulus sits still, trying not to draw too much attention to himself. Evan wants everything to be over by tomorrow, he’s made that clear time and time again. The neighborhood is in too much danger to let whatever is causing all of the problems to continue to remain any longer.
Evan pulls slightly at the roots of his hair, his top buttons of his shirt are undone, his belt is missing, and his eyes hold so many emotions Regulus can barely pinpoint one. “You’re absolutely sure?” Evan asks, not bothering to stop his continuous movements while speaking.
“I am.” Regulus folds his hands into his lap between his knees, “I’ve spent the past five days around as many of the residents as I could, and no one seems suspicious. I’ve been as subtle as possible, seeing if people are worried about others, if anybody seems antsy, but everything appears as it should be.”
Evan has placed a large reading chair into the corner of the office since Regulus’ last visit, and he slumps down into it in defeat. He gnaws on his bottom lip, hands clasped together, and looks at Regulus with pleading eyes.
“Truth be told Regulus, I believe I’ve already figured it out.” Evan sighs and looks towards the floor, “I just wanted to be sure before I do anything drastic.”
That could mean any number of things. Regulus feels a buzzing through his body, anticipation as he waits for Evan to say more.
“What is it?” Regulus carefully asks.
“I think-” Evan cuts himself off before looking up, not at Regulus but just past him, “I think it’s best if I keep it to myself for now. I need at least another day. It’s a lot to process.”
If it wasn’t for that last comment, Regulus knows he would be in a panic but if Evan needs to process what he’s come to realize, surely it’s that he believes that he is the reason for all of the chaos in the neighborhood. Regulus holds back his sigh of relief. He looks to Evan, and for a brief moment feels a twinge of guilt at what he’s doing. Just like he told James the day before, there is no other way, and they’re out of time to figure out another.
“Thank you Regulus,” Evan begins, “for all that you’ve done for me. I don’t think I could have figured it out without you, as unfortunate as it may be.”
That settles it, the plan worked. Regulus was able to convince Evan of Sirius’ innocence and gave him the perfect person to blame instead. There is a small voice in the back of his head when he speaks next, and it sounds like James.
“Evan…if you leave, where do you go?” If Evan is able to provide an answer, they can all feel better about this, knowing that Evan will be safe.
Evan looks crestfallen and his voice comes out with a rasp when he responds, “Let us not dwell on that.”
Evan leans back and sighs, closing his eyes and taking in a breath like it’s the first good one he’s had in a while. “I appreciate all you’ve done. Now I must ask one final thing of you, Regulus.” He slightly parts his eyes open and tilts his head to the side.
“What is that?”
“Go home.” Evan smiles softly, “Enjoy what you have while you have it. Even in eternity it appears we cannot always remain with what we love.”
Regulus gives a small nod, “Thank you.” and stands up, leaving the office for what he assumes, and hopes, will be the last time.
***
Regulus sits in his living room with Sirius and James. There is an air of uncertainty that rests between them all, an unknown of what is to come, and an unease of what it means. They sit in silence, uncomfortable and full of what they want to say but can’t bring themselves to voice aloud. All of these un’s, uncertain, unrest, unknown, unease, uncomfortable, unsure. Three men and not one of them can feel something concrete, something positive, something hopeful.
Sirius told Barty that he was going to be with James all day. Regulus and Sirius went into town, just for an hour, to keep up appearances. Since their return to Regulus’ house, they’ve stayed locked in, afraid of what will await them in the coming hours.
Since Regulus arrived at the Good Place his life has become a series of events where he reacted first and then experienced the consequences. This time he tried to manipulate everything into working in his favour, before any reactions could take fold. He has wanted to do right by James, do something good for once, and maybe it wasn’t enough, but shouldn’t trying count for something? Was there even a path they could have taken where no one got hurt?
If Sirius gets summoned today, if he gets sent away, what are Regulus’ options? Does he even have any? He could confess of course but Sirius would still eventually be found out, getting them both sent away wouldn’t do anyone good. No. The only option for all three of them, Sirius, James and himself to make it out of this is to make sure Evan leaves. Evan has to go away, far away from here, back to wherever architects come from and never return. That is their only hope.
Sirius is the first one to break the neverending silence, “What do we do now?”
“I don’t know,” James says solemnly. “I guess we just wait.”
Regulus hates the idea but he knows James is right. Making any further moves, especially today would just bring further suspicion on them all. They will sit and they will wait. If the call never comes they will go about their lives as if this week never happened. They will continue to have Sirius in the spotlight, shining and proud to be known, and Regulus will hide away behind the trust Evan has in him.
They don’t wait for long.
INCOMING MESSAGE FOR ALL RESIDENTS:
The screen in the living room flashes a bright red illuminating the dark of the house. Regulus turns towards the screen. All messages so far, good or bad, have been given with Evan’s smiling face. This time, it’s just words on a screen.
MANDATORY NEIGHBORHOOD MEETING. TOWNSQUARE. 9PM.
The words roll across the screen. When the end of the message scrolls by, it replays again and again.
“We’re so fucked.” The words surprisingly come from James. Regulus turns to him and sees James with his hand tugging at the root of his hair, glasses askew and panic ingrained into his features as he stares at Regulus in horror.
“We did everything we could.” Sirius says so quietly Regulus barely catches it.
James looks to Sirius, and an understanding seems to float between them. They’ve been getting good at that over the past few days Regulus has noticed, speaking to each other without ever saying a word. James’ arms fall slack at his side and as if on reflex he grabs Sirius and embraces him tightly.
They have to hope that everything they did was enough. Evan should have no reason to think that Sirius is suspicious. Evan will be using this meeting to announce that he has realized that he messed up the neighborhood and will be leaving. That must be why he didn’t show his face, from the shame he must be feeling.
Regulus looks at the clock, it reads 8:27 PM. He sighs and reaches for his jacket. “It takes thirty minutes to walk there. We don’t want to be late.” He says, tugging at the arms of his coat until they sit comfortably against his skin.
Regulus turns around to see James and Sirius still holding onto next to each other, giving no indication they’re planning on moving anytime soon. “We don’t know if it was enough.” James says into Sirius’ neck.
Sirius separates them and then reaches out to hold onto James’ hand. The gesture sends a small pain to Regulus’ stomach. He clears his throat and says, “There’s only one way to find out.”
The three men walk out the door together and into the night. The air matches the mood between them, cold and brittle. The night sky is adorned with stars and a moon that shines so brightly there’s no need for any other light to guide their way. It feels like there should be clouds and a trickle of rain to trace their path to the gallows. They are granted no such luck.
They walk in silence, a hefty weight of all that they wish to say but dare not to voice out loud between them. Thirty minutes and it feels like hours. Yet, Regulus seems to blink and they’re met with an ornate fountain. He looks out into the crowd, it seems everyone is already here. He spots Peter and Gilderoy in the distance surrounded by other familiar faces he hasn’t yet gotten the chance to know. Someone here is about to be caught off guard and have their entire world turned upside down. If Regulus has it his way, it won’t be Sirius, not this time. Evan will take the fall.
Regulus scans the attendants and finds Barty with three open seats next to him. Regulus guides their small group over. He takes a seat next to Barty, placing James on his right, and on the other side of James, his brother. Four men with so many secrets between them, awaiting for the moment they’re all aired out and exposed for the rest of this world to see.
Regulus feels a hand on his and is surprised to see Barty’s fingers interlocking his own. A reassurance. Barty doesn’t know everything that is riding on this announcement, but he can sense the unease coming from Regulus. Regulus reaches over to James and holds onto his hand as well. James takes it without hesitation and gives Regulus a small squeeze.
James leans over and whispers, “ To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception, it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.”
Regulus feels his breath hitch. He looks back at James confused.
“ Kierkegaard.” James says. “You did all you could, you and Sirius. Even if it was deception, there are far worse kinds.” He smiles softly, but there is pain in his eyes for what is to come.
Regulus watches as James turns to Sirius and they proceed to hold hands.
Evan takes the stage next to Remus. Three hundred and ten pairs of eyes look forward, awaiting the grand announcement.
“Thank you all for coming together today.” Evan says, “I know it’s late, and I am sure you’re all tired. I know you all have many questions regarding the state of the neighborhood. When you arrived I made a promise to you all, that you would be safe here, and I would look after you.” Evan looks down at the ground for a moment, “I am ashamed to say that I have failed in these promises. I have spent the past few days investigating the chaos that has wreaked havoc for us and I have discovered its cause.”
There are murmurs in the audience, wonders of what it could be and how it was discovered. “I did not expect what I found, but the roots of evil will always find a way to make its mark. There was a path I had to follow and I did so thoroughly. One of the residents, one that sits among you, is not like the others. It is by his actions that the neighborhood has fallen into disarray. I am disappointed that this error was not discovered sooner and for that I sincerely apologize, for all of those affected and all of those that will experience the fallout.”
It wasn’t enough. It’s all over. Regulus restrains himself from looking over at Sirius. He feels James grip his hand tighter.
“The person responsible for all of the mayhem and chaos in the neighborhood was at the scene of every incident, and has attempted to hide himself away in order to remain undetected. He has even tried to gain favour with one of my most trusted confidantes to garner information on my investigation. I am bringing this before you all so that you can see how much I care about you and your comfort during your eternal paradise. You deserve the best, and you deserve the truth, even if it may be uncomfortable.” Evan takes a deep breath, seeming to will himself to continue,
“James Fleamont Potter, it is time you are sent to the Bad Place, where you belong.”
Chapter 10: The Death of J.F.P.
Notes:
This is genuinely the saddest chapter I’ve posted so far and yes it did hurt to write thank you for asking.
Although I believe that the content here is extremely important to understand James, the kind of person he is, and the way he thinks, this one may not be for everyone.
There are multiple deaths in this chapter, one for each of the three scenes. If you would prefer to not read or would like spoilers to determine if you can read, please see the end notes.
It is a death chapter and you know what that means - here is your big list of warnings:
Warnings:
Cancer
References to death
Death
Thoughts of suicide (There is no actual actions taken, more of a brief thought about what it would be like)
Possible medical inaccuracies
Grief
Physical fighting
Homophobic slurs
Excessive alcohol useI think that covers it but if I missed anything, please let me know!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
We love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. - Friedrich Nietzsche
***
*Twenty Years Before Present Day*
James stands in the back corner of the large room far away from the rest of the crowd. The rows of pews before the casket mock his willingness to venture any closer. He has tried twice now to take a step forward, to say one final goodbye, but he can’t will his feet to move. He stays grounded in place. He stares ahead as people he has never met approach the wooden box, shedding tears onto the body he knows is in there, saying their final words to a person no longer alive.
He is startled when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks up and sees his mother above him, giving him a small smile. She crouches down so they’re at eye level, ruffling the edges of her black skirt.
“James honey. Do you think you’re ready?” She asks him. He shakes his head no and reaches up to grab her hand. He holds onto it tight, trying to get her to understand that he needs her here. He doesn’t know the words to say that he’s worried death is contagious. If he goes to the casket he may be the next one they hold a funeral for. It’s ridiculous he knows, so many people have already gone up, his mother was the first one to say goodbye to her father. He can’t help that he’s frightened.
“That’s alright mi hijo. We can stay here as long as you need.” Although her words say one thing she guides him closer. James panics for a moment, tugging on her hand to root them in place. He only calms when he realizes where she’s taking him, to a pew far away from the body, the farthest possible place to sit.
James clambers onto the seat, his feet dangling off the bench. He presses his thigh closer to his mother, searching for any comfort she can provide. She reaches around him, either feeling his worry or simply knowing because all mothers seem to know when their child is in distress, and envelops him in a hug. James curls into her side and lets her warmth, her signs of life, take over him.
Before all of this, James already knew about death. Although he is only eight years old he was able to grasp the concept of it all fairly easily, at least he thought he did. When he was six he had a pet hamster that died a tragic death, as seems to be the way for most hamsters. His parents explained to him what it meant that his pet was gone, that he wouldn't be able to play with her again. He understood then that death was a permanent thing, it was forever. What he didn’t fully understand at that moment, was that the same thing can happen to people.
It was a week ago when his parents sat him down and explained to him that his grandfather had died. He thought he understood. Now sitting in the old church with the body of the man so close by, he realizes that it is just like his poor pet hamster, but at the same time, it’s completely different. He had cried when Hammy was gone and was upset by his loss, but this feels far, far worse.
It’s one thing to think about how he will never be able to do puzzles with his grandfather again, late nights with hot cups of cocoa are gone, having his grandfather see his spring choir performance will never be, and it is another thing entirely to face that these are now facts. They are no longer things that may not happen, they simply won’t. His grandfather is gone, he is never coming back, and after today James will never be able to see him again.
James will never have slumber parties at his house again. James will never wake up in his grandfather’s home to the smell of pancakes. They will never watch another scary movie together that James will shriek at and his grandfather will laugh at. It’s not just his grandfather that’s gone but everything James has come to know with the man.
He watches as a few of the guests laugh lightly in a corner. He wonders what could be so funny when something so sad is in front of them. They hold up small blue cups and chat. It seems they haven’t seen each other in a long time. They were probably only tied together through James’ grandfather. Such a terrible way to come back together again. So why are they happy?
James sits quietly in the pew feeling tears run down his cheeks. He doesn’t sob, doesn’t cry out, he doesn’t make a sound. Today is not about him and all of the things he will miss, it is about his grandfather and the things he will never be able to do. The people in the corner laugh, others are red in the face with anger, some stand before a crucifix and pray. So many reactions to the loss of one person.
It takes hours, or maybe it’s minutes, James doesn’t know, before he is finally able to get up. The crowd has slowly left the building, there are only a few remaining family members not ready to fully accept that his grandfather is gone. James stands up from the pew, clutching onto his mother’s hand and begins to walk down the aisle.
His steps become slower the closer he gets. His mother squeezes his hand ever so carefully, a reminder that she’s right there, right beside him. He looks up to her with pleading eyes, “Is this really the last time I get to say goodbye?”
She nods her head, “Yes. One more goodbye. Aren’t we so lucky to have that?”
James doesn’t understand how any of this could be considered lucky. He won’t for years to come. He didn’t know about the cancer, and how it was slowly eating away at the man. He didn’t know that some people never get the chance to actually say goodbye to their loved ones, even after they pass. For now all he sees are what’s been taken away from him, and how his grandfather’s life ended all too soon.
Slowly, he releases his mother’s hand, determined to do this, and to do it on his own. He walks the rest of the way without anything to remind him that there is still life in this world. His hand feels empty and cold, lacking his mother’s warmth.
He looks back to the small group of people, still in the corner of the church, still holding smiles onto their faces. He overhears one of them telling a story, a time when his grandfather went fishing and hooked a fish so large it yanked him into the water. They laugh quietly. James forms a small smile at the image that is placed into his head. It gives him the courage to continue onwards.
He walks up to the casket and peers inside. He’s shocked by what he sees. It is his grandfather, and he looks as if he’s sleeping peacefully. He wears his favourite grey suit with a white tie. His eyes are closed and his mouth is curved upwards. He was always smiling whenever James saw him. He never saw the old man sad, not even for a moment. It feels right that he would be smiling now too.
James feels the tears returning to his eyes. He wishes his grandfather would sit up, say that this was all a big joke, and he’s sorry he made James so sad and he’ll never do it again. He’ll hold James tightly and then tell him a joke, a real one that’s funny and will make James’ stomach hurt from laughing so much. He looks and waits for the movement, for the big reveal. Nothing comes. James tries to back up so he doesn’t get his tears on his grandfather’s body. He wants the man to remain how he is, untouched by James’ sadness.
“Don’t worry, he was a good person, loyal, and kind, and generous.” James looks up and is met with a woman he’s never seen before. She wears a black dress, just like all of the other women in the church. Her long curled hair has ribbons of grey throughout. She stands with her back straight, her hands folded in front of her. James is scared by her at first but then he notices something, she looks sad. So very sad. She isn’t smiling or laughing with the others, reminding herself of good memories. James wonders who she is and how she knew his grandfather. He might have been important to her.
“He’ll be in a better place now.” She says. She looks down on James and gives a small smile. It looks like it’s suppose to bring him comfort, but he sees so much sadness in her eyes it doesn’t work. Carefully, because he’s not supposed to interact with strangers, James lifts his hand up and holds onto hers. She seems startled at first but gives his hand a squeeze and whispers a quiet, “Thank you.”
They stand together, hand in hand in front of the casket. James wishes he was alone so he could say goodbye outloud, but he knows that his grandfather won’t hear it. He yells it in his head instead. He thinks it loudly,
Goodbye! I’m going to miss you so much! Don’t forget I love you! This lady said that you were good so you’re in a better place now. It better not be more fun than when I would spend the night. Even if it is though try to not have too much fun without me. It won’t be very fun without you here.
Soon, they depart. The woman lets go of his hand and James walks back the way he came. Along the way James wonders about the mysterious woman’s words. What did she mean? What does being a good person have to do with where someone goes after they die? Shouldn’t all people get to go to a happy place once they’re gone? James’ mind rattles with questions he doesn’t have the answers to. He thinks about asking his mother or father, they’re adults and they should know about these things, adults know everything.
James goes to find his mother, tugging at the bottom of her skirt to get her attention. “Yes love?” She asks him.
“What did that lady mean when she said grandfather is in a better place because he was a good person?” He looks up to her expectantly. He doesn’t understand the way that her face twists as she tries to find the answer. He thought that this was one of those things that all adults should know about, like why broccoli is good for you but sweets are bad. She should be able to answer him right away, explain to him what it all means.
His mother guides him to sit down. She takes his hands in her own and looks him in the eyes as she speaks. “There are lots of beliefs in the world about what happens to a person when they die. Many people believe that if you are a good person on Earth and in life, then you will be rewarded by being able to spend the rest of your existence in paradise, in a good place.”
“But mum, how do we know if Abuelito was good enough? Who decides what makes a person good? There’s a girl in my class, Suzy, that a lot of people don’t like and they think she’s a bad person just because she is really smart and acts like she knows everything. I don’t think that makes her a bad person though. A bad person is someone who steals your snacks just because your mum packed you cookies and their mum gave them carrot sticks.” James thinks for a moment, “But maybe! Maybe the bad person is the mum who packed carrot sticks for a snack!” James sticks out his tongue and grimaces in disgust at the thought of his mum giving him carrot sticks for snack at school.
His mother lets out a small laugh and rubs his back softly as she speaks. “There are lots of things that can make a person good or bad. Most people are a mix of both mi hijo. Nobody is perfect all the time with these things. We try our best and that is the best we can do. What’s important is that no matter what happens, you try to do good things when you can.”
James takes the words and tries to sort through them. He wishes he had his notebooks and pens. It just doesn’t make sense to him. How can one person think someone is good and another person think they’re bad? Bad people usually think the things they do are good and sometimes people who are good do bad things. He voices all of these things to his mother.
“People have thought about these things for thousands of years, and lots of people have lots of opinions on it.” His mother explains.
“ Thousands of years?!” James asks, startled. That’s far more years than he’s been alive. He only just turned eight and is thinking about these things, he has so much catching up to do.
She laughs, “Yes thousands of years. The point is you must do what you feel is right. Sometimes we look back at the things we did and we realize we made a bad choice, and sometimes we did it because we knew it was a bad choice, and sometimes we simply didn’t have all the information we needed to make the right one.”
James listens intently, determined to hang onto every word.
“Sometimes we make good choices and even though we know they’re good, we feel bad about them. Life is very messy and complicated at times but we try . We try and we try again. We fail along the way but we keep on trying because sometimes, that’s all we can do. I don’t know who decides what makes a person good or bad but I think we feel it in our gut. When we do good things or people do good things for us we can feel it all the way in here.” She points to his stomach.
“We feel full. Full of happiness and full of life. There’s lots of ideas out there, and as you get older you get to decide what feels right for you. The kind of person you want to be.
“Do you remember the way he would make you laugh when you were upset?” She asks, and James nods ferociously, thinking back to all the times his grandfather would make the worst jokes or tickle him when he was upset just to see James smile again. “Or how whenever we would go to his house he would have your favourite cookies already waiting for you?”
James feels like he’s about to cry again, he won’t get a chance to make those memories anymore. He can only hold onto the ones he already has.
His mother looks down on him, eyes soft, “Abuelito was a good man, he helped us feel full, and you are a good person too James.”
“You make me feel full mum.” James says. She smiles down on him before taking his hand. She gives a soft kiss to his knuckles and then guides them back to his father. They’re only in the church for a few more minutes before they leave, saying their final goodbyes to other family members.
James still has questions. Millions brimmed to the forefront of his mind. When he gets home the first thing he does is take out a clean notebook and begins to write them all down. He uncaps his pen with his teeth and gets to work. He fills in page after page of all of his questions. At the very top in bold scribbly writing, “Who decides what makes a person good?”
Even with everything written down, James knows he had far more questions than answers. He feels more jumbled up than when he started. He loves to write and writing everything down was supposed to help him figure it all out. This seems like a much bigger problem than he can figure out on his own. He decides once again, this is a problem for an adult, someone who should know all of the answers. He presents the notebook to his parents who eye each other skeptically. They tell him that they can’t answer all of the questions he has, James stands before them dejected, unsure of what he’s supposed to do now.
Then they have an idea of what might help, they just need a few days.
The days pass and James still thinks about all of the things he’s been wondering about since the funeral. The biggest question consuming his thoughts as he goes to school, as he plays with friends, does his homework, eats his dinner. He wonders who would have the answer. If his parents don’t know it, surely no one else would.
A few days later James returns home from school. He goes through his usual motions. He eats a snack in the kitchen, a chocolate pudding cup. He gets half an hour of TV before it’s time for his homework. When it’s finally time to go to his room to begin working on his maths he finds a book sitting on his desk. He sets down his backpack on the floor and leans over the desk to examine the green book with golden lettering. Big Ideas for Curious Minds . Carefully, he opens the first page and reads;
Philosophy is quite a mysterious subject that most people don’t know anything about. The average school doesn’t teach it, the average adult does not understand it, and the whole subject can seem odd and kind of unnecessary…
These were the days that started it all. This was his beginning, and eventually, it would become his end.
***
*Ten Years Before Present Day*
James sits on a roof, feet dangling off the edge, chin resting on the railing. He looks out to the carpark below and watches people go about their days, grocery shopping, meeting up with friends, enjoying the spring air.
The building is only a few stories high, and James has a fleeting thought about what it would be like to jump, if he climbed over the railing, and just let go. The fall wouldn’t take long, it would all be over in just a few seconds. The wind would rush through his hair and for a moment it would feel like flying. He would see the story of his life flash by, eighteen years surmised in a blink of an eye. It’s jarring, how quickly it could all be over.
The sun is shining down on him, not a cloud in the sky, and he takes a moment to tilt his head back to take in the rays. The heat radiates off his skin, he soaks it in and lets the warmth find its way through his body. He feels his breathing steady out. It’s all going to be okay. He repeats the phrase over in his mind emphasizing each word until it sinks in.
He should be back at home, enjoying time with his parents. He should be with his friends, making memories. He should be in a library, studying in preparation for the beginning of university. He should be doing a lot of things, but he finds this moment of solitude to be far better.
When he was younger, and even now, he found that writing things out brought an ease to his mind. Seeing everything written before him in a way that he could move around and manipulate until he could build the proper connections, was far better than letting it fester in his head. There are some times however, where instead of taking all of those ideas and trying to make sense of them, he finds a roof, and lets them leave his body. He lets the sun take away all of his thoughts into the air and lets them drift away. It’s peaceful, mind empty, watching people go about their days without a care in the world. It must be nice, not having so many things to worry about.
It isn’t long before he’s found. The twins always seem to know where he’s chosen to disappear to on any given day, even if he always finds himself on a different roof. He should really check to see if they have a tracking device on him. James sighs, not bothering to turn around as they approach him. Gideon takes the open spot on his left while Fabian takes the spot on his right.
The twins informally adopted him a few years ago when they realized how alike they were to James. They were all able to know things about each other without ever having to speak. Their love language of pulling pranks on each other, silly, mindless things aimed to annoy brought them closer. The twins are two years older than James and after they left school they did something James didn’t expect, they stayed in contact.
James and the Prewetts spent all of their free time together. When they were apart they would play video games online. At night they would stay up late looking for trouble they could cause. When it was James’ turn to leave school, all of his friends seemed to leave, they went away to far off universities and their new adult lives seemed to take priority over any teenage friendships. Not the twins though, they stayed.
A part of James hopes that the reason they decided to stay behind was because they preferred it here, with their friends and family, the city they’ve known their entire lives. That hope doesn’t stop the thought that the real reason they stayed was because they were worried about him, and still are.
“What is it?” Fabian asks without looking at James, content to watch the people as they walk the streets. They know he only comes to roofs when it’s bad, when his mind has become too muddled. It’s as if a tidal wave has swept through and he is left to try to find and sort through the remnants of his thoughts, forced to reorganize and rebuild.
“They want me to go to one of the schools in the States.” James says. He can feel both of the twins tensing next to him. “I’m not going to do it. They just keep pestering me about it.”
“But you want to study philosophy right? Where’s a better place to do that than Oxford or Cambridge?” Gideon asks.
“New York University has the best philosophy program in the world, and with my marks I got in pretty easily.” James says, dejected. He’s had this conversation with his parents so many times. No matter how many times he says no, that he’s staying right where he is, they always find some other reason to bring it up, some other reason for him to go.
Traveling to somewhere new can be so exciting.
It’s the best program in the world.
Don’t sell yourself short because of us.
You deserve good things and this is one of those.
Don’t worry about us, everything will be okay while you’re away.
This is everything you have ever wanted.
And yes, this is everything he’s ever wanted. Since he was a kid he dreamed of being able to go to university and learn from the masters about the subject he cares so much about. From the moment his parents bought him that book when he was eight, his entire view on life had changed. He worked harder in school, he was kinder, more generous, more thoughtful with his actions, all in an aspiration to be a good person and to one day attend the university of his dreams.
It wasn’t until he was older and actually applying that he began to realize that although England had some of the best schools for philosophy, they didn’t have the best. The best would mean leaving his parents and his last two remaining friends behind. One of the most important things he’s come to realize in his studies, is that loyalty is the most important thing in life, it goes above all else, it seems to be one of the only things most philosophers agree on. He couldn’t abandon those that chose to stick by him through everything, because he chose them too. And then his mum got sick, and all matters were settled. He was staying in London.
“I can’t leave.” James says. He feels the words deep in his gut, a knowledge that has sat with him from the moment his parents came to him with tears in their eyes to tell him about his mum’s cancer diagnosis. He didn’t know cancer can be hereditary. She has the same gene mutation that took away his grandfather ten years ago, only hers is worse, and it was triggered sooner. If anything happened to her while he was away he would never forgive himself.
Fabian nods, and Gideon sighs. They’ve adored Effie from the moment they met her and they are the only two people who seem to understand. They lost their father to cancer when they were kids. He left behind a wife, the twins and a daughter. The Prewetts have become a second family to James, and James’ family is a second one to the boys. They’re bound together by something deep, something terrible.
Effie was so excited the moment she met the twins. She was the first person they met that was able to tell them apart right away. When asked what her secret was, she said she wouldn’t dare share, so neither one of them would think to change a single thing about themselves. Truthfully, James thinks she was just excited to see him having such close friends, and they came in a set to make things even better. A two for one deal, something they made clear to James from the very beginning. He never minded, he loves them both together and separately, in their own unique ways.
“They’ll get off your back soon enough.” Fabian says. “Just give it some more time and they’ll realize you’re not going anywhere.”
They don’t say anything else, no words of comfort that James can hold onto. No telling him that everything will be okay, that they’re by his side through it all. It isn’t too much longer until both of the twins stand up and leave James be, letting him know that he can call them if he needs anything, or just wants to talk it out. He knows they mean it, but he won’t call them, he won’t let them see how much it’s tearing him up inside.
Fabian's words were true, and James doesn’t go anywhere. When the acceptance letters start rolling in from all over the world, James throws them away, determined to stay close to his family and friends. He has no desire to leave them, and even if he did wish for greater things beyond the confines of his hometown, it wouldn’t be right. His people are here and he would be nothing without them.
He gets into University College London and instantly accepts the offer, not bothering to look at any other letters. He can continue his studies while living at home to watch over his parents as his mother goes through treatments. Everything will be fine as long as James is nearby.
They try surgery first, an attempt to remove the cancerous cells before they get the chance to spread. It doesn’t work. She undergoes radiation treatment to try and stop the spread that has festered, or at least slow it down. The cells are relentless and seem to only be aggravated. It doesn’t stop.
During the day James’ life becomes a mix of essays and readings on ethics and what it means to be good. He debates with his classmates and pleads with professors for more readings. At night it’s a concoction of misery and despair, a glimpse into how no matter how good someone is, no matter how kind and wonderful of a mother, a wife, and a person someone may be, everyone leaves in the end. He debates with himself on if he’s doing enough, and he pleads with the doctors to find any kind of solution.
James and his father reach out to a charity foundation called, To Do Good that’s known for helping out families with cancer patients, in the hopes that they'll help pay the medical bills for her treatment, allowing them to try out more routes. They're quickly turned down after being told the severity of her cancer isn't high enough for them to be able to justify helping.
Immanuel Kant, Immunotherapy, Nietzsche, Nurses, Sartre, Surgery, Descartes, Doctors, Plato, Pills, Existentialism, X-Rays. A merry-go-round of a mind, around and around it goes. School and hospital are now more familiar to him than his own home. A place to ease his mind and a place to ease his heart. He can’t remember the last time he slept a full night.
He stops finding roofs to cling onto. He misses the sun, but he knows what he’ll miss more if he is nowhere to be found if the unimaginable happens.
He reads to her while she’s in bed. He tells her of the greats and their ideas, the Universal Maxim, the Golden Mean, Utilitarianism. He speaks to her about these things because he doesn’t know what else to say. She was always so ready and willing to listen throughout his childhood when he approached her with a new concept, theory, or thought experiment he discovered. They would sit in the kitchen and he would practice debating with her to help build arguments for and against. She would listen to every word and try to understand the way his mind worked, and he’s so grateful that she does that now.
His father never leaves her side. He holds her hand through each round of treatments, through each new innovative cure the doctors offer. He smiles and reminds her how much he loves her. He whispers sweet nothings not meant for James’ ears, and he kisses her softly time and time again. He recounts the story of how they met and each time he made a fool of himself in her presence. He never sheds a tear, and James wonders how his father can be so strong watching the woman he loves slowly wither away. He never wants to fall in love if this is what could be, something so beautifully heartbreaking.
Gideon and Fabian visit as often as they can. They bring her home cooked meals made by their own mum so she doesn’t have to stick to hospital food or the feeble attempts at meals James or his father try. They tell her jokes and make her laugh in a way that warms James’ soul as he sits in the corner of the hospital room and tries to hold back his tears in the hope that this won’t be the last time he gets to see her smile. He holds out hope, but hope, although it is sometimes a glorious and wonderful thing, can be brutal.
“Are you scared?” James asks her one night in the dark. He begged the nurses to let him spend the night, long past visiting hours. They shut the door behind them and told him to keep quiet so no one would find out.
“No, I don’t suppose I am.” Her voice soft, laced with years of a tiredness that has settled in her bones in a matter of months. “I loved this life and everything it has given me. You and your father, all of my friends and family. When I go, I look forward to seeing my father again. I’m sorry it means I have to leave you mi hijo.”
“This isn’t fair.” James barely gets the word out. “This life isn’t fair. How can you love it so much if it does this to you?”
“Oh my love. All that studying you do and you forget my own favourite philosopher.”
James tilts his head where it rests on the bed to look his mother in her eyes, even if he can’t fully see them in the darkness of the room. “Nietzsche right?”
“Yes.” She sighs, “Existentialism has its charms.”
“It’s pretty dreary if you ask me.”
She clicks her tongue, “None of that. If life is pointless, if there is nothing beyond this, then you are free to do whatever you please. Your actions may mean nothing, but that just means that every action counts. Live as you desire and do what makes you happy. I think it’s a lovely sentiment.”
“That doesn’t make it fair.”
“No, I suppose it doesn’t.” She hums for a moment, “ We love life not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving. He said that you know. I love you and your father so much. I love this life because I got to experience it with you, because I got to love you. Even if it isn’t for as long as I would have liked, I think I am quite lucky that I got to experience so much love in my time.”
James reaches out to hold her hand. Her grip is weak but his is strong enough for the both of them. He feels her slowly fall asleep, the sound of her breathing evening out. He watches the heart monitor make its steady ticks up and down.
“Please…” He whispers, so quietly he’s not even sure if the words truly leave his mouth. He’s not sure what he is wishing for, a miraculous recovery, more time, more more more. Just a little bit more.
Her fight leaves her before the cancer can fully take over. She begs them to stop, to let her live out her last few months, weeks, days, whatever it may be, in the peace of her own home. She doesn't want to die surrounded by the oppressive white of hospital walls. They take her home. James and his father lay her down in her bed and fulfil every wish she has, every request large and small. James sees her smile more in these weeks than in the entirety of her stay at the hospital. He wants to ask her how she knows when it's time to go. How was she able to concede that her time was done? He waits too long, and he never is able to get an answer.
James is only eighteen years old when the funeral is held. How utterly cruel that he can’t remember the first few years of his life, just to have a few more pieces of her with him; a true default of the human species. He doesn’t deny what happens. He doesn’t throw things or yell. He doesn’t beg or bargain or plead. He doesn’t cry until he feels every muscle ache. When she goes, he feels a part of him leave with her. A gaping hole in who he is as a person. He feels hollow, right down to the pit of his stomach. When she left, she took his ability to grieve.
He loses pieces of her. He remembers reading about how when a person dies, people often find pieces of that person living in everything they see; the way the light shines in through the window, a certain smell, a laugh heard from across the street. They’re supposed to be everywhere. James can’t find his mother in anything. Nothing could possibly compare. He looks and looks but he finds nothing and eventually, he gives up the search. Doomed to spend his days in a perpetual state of emptiness.
James throws himself into his work. He studies, he reads and he writes. He concocts his own thoughts experiments, unsurprised when many of them breach the ideas of cancer. He excels in his Ethics of Medicine course. He checks out book after book from Nietzsche from the university library. It is within the pages of his books, he finds her. He sees the way she thought, the way she treated others, the way she believed in the world. He has no doubt any philosopher of old or new would look at his mother as a pinnacle of what it means to be good.
He feels their late night conversations roll through him as he takes pen to paper. He shares her with his classmates, his professors, anyone who will give him the time of day. He breaks her down into fragments and then brings the pieces of her together to form a whole and begs the world to look, to see her, see who she was, see who she could have become.
Four years later he graduates at the top of his class. He goes on to grad school where he continues his studies. When he writes his final thesis he finds that the words on the page are all her. They are everything she was and everything she hoped the world could be. They are ingrained into who he is as a person and into the work is able to create. From their kitchen conversations, to Big Ideas for Curious Minds , to talks in the hospital bed, it is all there in front of him in black and white, in the words he speaks, in his everyday actions.
The gaping hole in his stomach is relentless. He tries and tries again to find ways to fill it, to pack the void into something resembling the early years of his life. He looks to his books, he finds his mother, he begs for her to help, but it doesn’t ease the ache, the hollowness.
He keeps others at bay. His classmates try to befriend him, his colleagues try to get to know him, to understand the inner workings of his mind, but he doesn’t let them get closer. He is already so exposed with the work he creates, he can’t allow anyone in. He is cordial and polite but he is unknown.
He applies to the university for an open teaching position in the philosophy department. The professors know him well and after only a few rounds of interviews, he’s given the job. He teaches about the greats, Sartre, Plato, Bentham, Descartes, Socrates, Aristotle, but never Nietzsche. No, not him.
James is a hypocrite. He tells others of the beauty of loyalty, friendship and familial bonds that stretch beyond blood and into something more, but he is alone. He has his father still, and he will forever be grateful for that. He still has the Prewetts, who he sees on a regular basis between the classes he teaches. His small family is enough. He doesn’t need or want anyone else because in the end, it seems caring will only take him so far. Loving someone does not keep them around forever and it only makes the hurt worse when they go.
He stays in London, because it’s where his family is, his father and his two brothers. London is where his job is with his students. London is where his mother was. He will remain because it is where he belongs. He is loyal to his past and to those around him and he will remain for as long as they will have him by their side.
***
*Three Months Before Present Day*
The room is cold. The guards' keys clank heavily against the steel bars of the cell. The door peels open with a deafening creek, forcing James to wince. He looks to the man on the other side and tries to hold his composure. He should not be happy right now, he should not feel overjoyed to see that he’s alright, he should be mad, because here they are, doing this again .
“James!” Fabian preens, a large smile crossing his face as he excitedly jumps up and envelops James into a hug. “It’s about time someone got me out of here!”
James relents and hugs his brother back. He takes in the scent of him, sweat, aerosol, and dirt from the night's activities. He pats Fabian’s back twice as a signal to let go. He looks his brother over, examining him for any injuries, new cuts or bruises, and sighs in relief when he spots none. Fabian didn’t run this time. An improvement.
“One of these days I won’t be able to bail you out. What are you going to do then?”
Fabian shrugs, “Rot away I suppose.”
James huffs a laugh. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”
They begin walking side by side through the jailhouse. They make their way to the front door and step out into the night. The moon is shining high above, a silver cast spread upon the world. James tilts his head up to the sky and looks for stars. There never are any, but it doesn’t hurt to try and look. One of these days he may just get himself to go spend the night out in the country so he can get a proper look at the night’s sky, to see it in its natural state of being.
“You put up with me because you have been doomed to love me until the end of our days.” Fabian says, a smile never falling from his face.
James loves the twins, he truly does, that doesn’t mean however that sometimes they can be a bit…much. As the years passed since his mother’s death James has grown in so many ways. He has put blood, sweat, and tears into his career, he’s helped his father move into a retirement facility, he’s volunteered at local shelters, he grows and grows as the years go on, but the twins, the twins seem determined to remain their twenty-one year old selves.
Fabian is right though, James is doomed to love them until the end of their days. He has given them his heart and his soul since they were kids and they’ve given him the same in return. He couldn’t possibly ask for more.
A thought prickles the back of James’ mind, something he meant to ask as soon as he laid eyes on Fabian but forgot in the excitement of seeing him alright, “Where’s Gid?”
“Oh right!” Fabian waves dismissively, as if he had completely forgotten for a moment he even had a brother, “He ran when the cops showed up. They must’ve missed him.”
James stops walking, “He left you?” James asks, perplexed. He has picked up and bailed out the twins multiple times at this point, but never has he only had to get only one of them out of jail. He had assumed that Fabian decided to conquer a night of antics by himself or Gideon was off doing something on his own. It hasn’t even crossed his mind to consider that they had been together and one brother abandoned the other.
Fabian lets out a laugh, like this is the norm, and why did James not expect this? “Well yeah. If he could get away, why shouldn’t he try?”
“Because that means leaving you behind?” James doesn’t mean for it to sound like a question but he can’t help the way his voice leaves raised at the end. They’re supposed to be a team, Fabian and Gideon, Gideon and Fabian. Never one without the other. Sometimes, well most of the time but less often these days, James is included into that. If those two can’t even stick together, what chance does James have at managing to keep them around?
“I really didn’t mind James. Don’t worry about it.” Fabian is trying to reassure James, but James can’t help but wonder if he’s reassuring himself too.
James walks to his car with Fabian in tow. They jump in and as James turns the ignition he says, “You owe me two thousand for the bail by the way.”
“What!” Fabian presses a hand over his chest, feigning shock, “I am worth far more than that.”
“You’re right.” James smirks, “Let me go back inside and ask if they do returns. I still have my receipt.”
They chat about this and that on the way back home. Fabian recounts the night's activities and James keeps all opinions to himself. James has his own flat but drives to the Prewetts’ place, deciding that the night is late and he’ll crash in their spare room, which is practically his room at this point.
When they arrive, there is an eerie silence that takes over the flat. The lights are all turned off, not a hum of a sound can be heard. “Gideon?” James calls out. He throws his keys into a small bowl near the front door and begins to take off his shoes. There’s no response.
“Giddd” Fabian sing-songs. “I’m home after you left me to rottt! Weren’t even going to come and pay my bail you git.”
Again, nothing. James pulls out his phone and tries calling Gideon first. He hopes that this isn’t going to be an all night kind of thing he’s gotten himself into, he’s got an early class to teach in the morning for fucksake.
When James is met with a voicemail message, panic begins to set in. “You try.” He urges Fabian.
Fabian pulls out his own phone, not a look of worry on his face as he presses his brother’s contact. He looks at his nails while the phone rings between his ear and shoulder. James watches as concern slowly takes over the Prewett’s face.
“It’s fine.” Fabian says, “I have his location.” Of course he does. All those years ago James had wondered if the twins had ever put a tracking device on him. Turns out, he wasn’t completely wrong. They had downloaded one of those apps onto his phone so they could find him when he up and disappeared for hours at a time. When he had found out about it, he didn’t delete it but instead insisted that they give him their locations as well.
James opens the app and sees where Gideon is. The Three-Broomsticks . Unfortunately right next to the location is a timestamp letting James know that it was last updated two hours ago. It’s unlikely that Gideon turned off his phone, but it could have died. Either way there’s no guarantee that he’s still at the bar.
“Well,” James says, “It’s all we got.”
James picks up his keys, slips his shoes back on and heads out the front door. They clamber back into the car, a slight worry in the air between them. Fabian reaches over and turns on the radio, something to fill the silence. The cheery songs about love and hope cause James’ stomach to ache. He doesn’t turn off the music, knowing that it helps calm Fabian down.
Between the two of them Gideon has always been a touch more reckless, stepping closer to the precipice of what he can get away with. He plays jump rope with what’s right and wrong, leaning over the edge of too much. Fabian is never one to voice worries out loud, especially about his brother, but James knows. James knows because he has loved both of these men for years and can see the way Fabian’s eyes dim when Gideon tries to go too far, to a place where Fabian can’t follow.
On any other night, there would be no real worry. Gideon would just be going out to the bars by himself like any other adult with free time and money to throw away, but just hours ago he was busy vandalizing public property with Fabian. He was with his brother laughing as they put green spray paint to concrete and stone. Then the police showed up, Fabian was arrested and Gideon ran.
They park a little bit down the street from the bar. It’s late but still prime drinking hours for those wishing to get sloshed. They walk down the road side by side until they’re at the front doors of the bar. James walks in first, his eyes scanning the small room for his brother but comes up empty. When he turns to Fabian, he still sees that hope in his eyes. James wants to tell him something about hope, about the things he’s learned when it comes to the feeling, but now isn’t the time.
It’s not that James thinks something bad happened to Gideon, it’s the what if’s. What if Gideon said something to the wrong person? What if he got too drunk to get home? He just wants a little reassurance that everything’s alright.
They go up to the bar and Fabian flags down the bartender, “Hey have you seen a guy in here recently. Face looks like this?” Fabian makes a circle motion around his own face.
The bartender leans over the counter, eyebrow quirked upwards, a smirk on his lips “Maybe I have, but yours does seem to be far better.” He winks.
Fabian sighs, “Oh the things I would do to you tonight if we weren’t searching for my unfortunate looking brother.”
James rolls his eyes, ignoring their flirting and presses, “He was here?”
The bartender looks to James, seeming to notice him for the first time, “Yeah he was. He was getting on with some bloke for a while and they left together.”
Fabian sighs in relief, the first outward sign he was worried since they returned home. Fabian claps James on the shoulder, “There we have it. He just went off for a quick one-night.”
James tucks his hand into his pockets looking for his keys, “Back home then?”
“Yeah just a minute though. Gotta use the loo.” Fabian walks away towards the restrooms, leaving James alone with the bartender.
“So are you two?” The bartender asks James, gesturing to James and the location of the bathrooms.
James snorts, “Absolutely not.” He picks up a napkin and a pen the bartender had carelessly left on the counter, and scribbles down a phone number, “It’s his. He won’t mind I gave it to you.”
The bartender smiles down on the napkin. “Thanks. I should let you know that the guy you’re looking for only left a few minutes ago. They went out the back and might still be out there if you’re quick.”
James nods his head and thanks the man. He debates waiting for Fabian for a moment but figures the bartender will just tell him the same thing when he comes out. He strides over to the back door and opens it up to the alley.
James sees Gideon hunched over another man, his fists flying. The unknown man is sporting a crooked nose, and James is unsure if he had it before his interaction with Gideon or if it came later. His clothes are as black as his hair, which is slicked back with so much gel it looks greasy and oily. He sneers as James approaches them.
Gideon’s fist connects with the slimy man’s stomach. James, no longer moving tentatively, rushes over and tries to pull Gideon back. “What the fuck are you doing!” James yells.
The alley reeks of rotten food and animal scat. James thinks he hears rats nearby feasting away at the remnants of someone's long forgotten meal.
Gideon spits down at the man in black, “I was busy having a good time chatting up this one bloke and this fucker decides to come over and ruin the fun by calling us faggots.”
Gideon tries to lunge forward again but is still restrained by a sober James. James turns Gideon around and forces his back to a wall. James’ arm presses against Gideon’s chest. He can feel the older man's heart beating rapidly, his lungs heaving with every breath.
“We came out here and he followed us out. Scared off my fuck for the night.” Gideon spits again, “Fucking pervert so worried about what a man’s doing with his own dick.”
“Calm the fuck down and leave him be.” James grits through his teeth. “You’re drunk. Let’s go home and forget about this and you can explain to me why you left Fab to get arrested while you ran.”
Gideon squeezes his eyes shut. “I can’t tell you.”
The words cause James to release his grip just a little bit out of shock, his body refusing to believe what he just heard. They’ve never kept secrets from each other. The small release is all Gideon needs to break through James’ hold. He flings James out of the way and returns to the stranger. Gideon kicks him in the leg causing his knees to buckle. The stranger lies on the ground as Gideon attempts to break his ribs.
James reaches forward once again and tries to get Gideon off of the man. The alcohol and rage seem to make Gideon strong and it’s harder for James to get ahold of him without it being a surprise attack.
Gideon whips around and grabs James by the hands. He pushes James until his cheek meets a brick wall. James feels the rough material scratching the side of his face, there will be scars and scabs in the morning. Gideon holds James’ hands behind his back, making it impossible for James to move.
“Gid what the hell has gotten into you?” James’ mouth is squished against the wall but he manages all of the anger he feels into those few words.
“If you promise to leave I’ll let you go.” Gideon pleads. James doesn’t know why his friend is doing this. He doesn’t fully understand what he’s walked into or the following events. He just wants his friend back. He wants to go home with his brothers by his side, wake up bright and early to go teach his class, and pretend that this didn’t happen. Because what the fuck is happening? It seems someone else is wondering the same thing.
“What’s going on?” James hears Fabian’s voice. James and Gideon both turn towards the sound and James feels like whatever is happening here is finally coming to a close.
James sees the greasy haired man get up. James sees as the man rears back his fist and aims for Gideon while he’s distracted. Gideon doesn’t see it, too focused on his brother.
For ten years, James has been on a search to fill that hole that has overtaken him from the moment his mother died. It was never a question of what James would take for those he cares about, or how much he was willing to give. He loves them to a fault. He’s there for them and by their side even when he should step away. He learned through the years in his books, papers, lectures, and through living, what it means to be loyal, what it means to give all of yourself to those you love. It is the closest he ever gets to feeling full.
He has always understood it as a give and take but he has never once expected anything in return for what he has given. So he shouldn’t be surprised that his gut instinct is to dive in front of Gideon, to take the blow. The grip Gideon has on his wrist mixed with the sudden movement causes him to topple over.
He feels the impact of the punch, he feels his wrist twist in his brother’s hand. His feet seem to not know which one is left and which is right as they trip over one another. It only takes that one moment for him to fall, and fall fast.
James sees the bricks as his body falls towards them. He doesn’t relive his twenty-eight years of life in those fleeting seconds. He doesn’t see his grandfather, his brothers, his father, or even his mother. All he sees is the burnt red of the bricks, layered with white mortar to hold them together. He doesn’t get a chance to have one last thought before his head hits the wall at just the right angle.
***
James awakes in an unknown room on the right side of a soft white couch. There is a coffee table in front of him that reaches to just below his knees.
Notes:
SPOILERS FOR DEATHS:
In the first scene James is 8 years old and at the funeral of his grandfather who died of cancer. We don’t see anyone die in this part but James does go look at the body.
In the second scene James is 18 years old and watches as Effie slowly dies from the same cancer as her father after undergoing a number of treatments that ultimately fail.
In the third scene James is 28 years old and dies after getting into an alley fight. He hits his head on a wall after being knocked over.
Next chapter is back to the regularly scheduled programing
Chapter 11: Greatness of the Sacrifice
Notes:
This is the one!
Warnings:
Murder but it’s not really murder, you’ll see what I mean
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The magnitude of a progress is gauged by the greatness of the sacrifice that it requires. -Friedrich Nietzsche
***
James sits on a roof. Unlike the times before, during his life, he knows the building he sits on top of, because it is his home. He found a trellis running up the back of the house when he was enjoying the lake the other day, hidden behind a layer of moss and vines. How many days ago was that now? It must be past days and into weeks at this point. It seems so much has happened since then, a lifetime of events.
When Evan said James’ name in front of the entire neighborhood, and marked him as the reason for all of the bad things that have happened since the humans’ arrival, he was shocked, but only for a moment before his feet were pounding on the ground as he ran. He ran and ran and eventually he realized, there was nowhere to go. There is nowhere he could truly hide in this place. Remus will be able to find him, and Evan will be furious. So he opted for the most obvious place he could be in the hopes that it’s the last place they look. He wonders how long it will take before one of them shows up.
James leans back on his elbows, feet dangling off the edge, as he looks out into the infinite space. The large lake looms down below him, stars take up the vast sky, a never ending stretch of forest expands into the beyond. A brisk wind sweeps through him, chilling the tears on his cheeks. He shivers at the feeling, pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his head on top. He holds onto himself.
He doesn’t know where he’s supposed to go, what he’s supposed to do, who he’s supposed to be. He’s glad that it seems Regulus and Sirius got away with it. They can live out their lives here peacefully, unencumbered by Evan’s constant watch of their every move, but where does that leave James? The answer is out there waiting for him in a small office he detests, with Evan probably burning a hole into the carpet with the way he paces the floors, wondering where James has gone off to.
He hears someone approaching before he sees them. For a brief moment he wonders if Fabian has come for him. He waits for that mop of red hair to make its appearance, to be met with those green eyes that know him so well. He’s tried his hardest over the past few weeks to not think about the twins, but he sees them in everyone, and it gets more difficult by the day. He sees them in Regulus and Sirius, he sees them in Sirius and himself, two for one deals. He misses them, and hopes that they’re doing okay, but it’s too painful to think about. Instead, he pushes his thoughts of them to the side because they’re not here, they’re not coming to comfort him or tell him that they understand.
A mess of black hair peeks out over the ledge of the roof. James shouldn’t be surprised to see Sirius’ head follow, his grey-blue eyes meeting James’. James reaches down and grabs Sirius’ hand to hoist him up onto the roof. He takes a seat next to James and sits close enough that their legs touch, pressing into him for warmth on the unusually cold night. Sirius looks out onto the world and seems just as taken aback as James at all there is.
“You know Remus built this whole place?” Sirius says, a small smile forming on his lips. James looks at him with a raised eyebrow, unsure of why that’s important now. “Evan designed it of course but the actual building? All Remus. I’ve been meaning to ask him what his favourite thing he made is.”
“I don’t think robots have favourite things.”
“He’s not a robot.” Sirius turns to James, “But I’ll let you know what the answer is.” James flinches backwards at the statement causing Sirius to let out a small laugh, “Oh please. We’re going to find a way to get you out of this Prongs. Regulus is with Evan right now trying to figure out what he knows. You didn’t think we were going to leave you behind did you?”
He wants to say of course not, but he did. Everyone has always left James in the end and although he wanted to be wrong, he still thought it. He expected the brothers to decide that they had won this round against Evan, they had gotten away with it, and they were going to leave James to figure things out for himself.
He’s grown to love them, and although Regulus has never said those words to James, he can feel the way Regulus has started to care about him. As for Sirius, well Sirius has told James that he loves him many times at this point, but it doesn’t stop the pesky thoughts that crowd over him. His grandfather left him. His mother left him. Gideon was leaving him in the end. Why would this have been any different?
James feels his stomach tighten, a cinch around the emptiness he’s felt for years. He can feel the crumbs of this moment entering him, the beginnings of a hunger ebbing. It’s nothing like the fullness he once felt, so many years ago, but it’s a start.
Sirius puts an arm around James’ shoulder and offers a comforting squeeze. James readjusts himself so he can properly hug the Black. He holds on tightly, letting all of his worries leave his body as he passes some of them onto his friend, his best friend. He’s never done this before, let someone else take the weight he feels but he trusts Sirius to help him carry this. They can figure this out.
“Are you ready?” Sirius asks into the crook of James’ neck. James nods his head. They break apart, take one last look out into infinity, into the unknown, and begin their descent towards the ground.
They walk side by side, never daring to take steps faster or to fall behind. At some point their fingers become intertwined and James feels like can breathe a little bit easier in this moment. His mind should be raging, rivers, tidal waves, tsunamis of pain and misery but he’s calm. Sirius is holding onto his hand, Regulus is with Evan right now, and James feels as though he can get through this.
The minutes tick by as they walk. As they go through the town square there are no neighbors they pass, everyone has gone home for the night, retiring early after the long day. James feels an eeriness settle around him in the quiet. No chatter, no footfalls except their own, even the wind has taken a moment to be silent.
They approach the front of the building, hand in hand, ready to take on whatever lies on the other side of the door. It helps knowing Regulus is in there too. He’s probably giving Evan Hell on Earth right now. James’ mouth upticks at the thought but quickly drops when he fully comes to terms with what he’s about to do.
Sirius turns to him and grips his shoulders, “Plan for right now is just for you to say as little as possible. We don’t know what he knows or what he thinks he knows. Obviously he’s wrong about you and we’re going to find a way for him to realize it. There shouldn’t be anything in your file that says you were anything but a good person either way, so there’s nothing to really worry about.”
“Isn’t Regulus in there right now?” James gestures to the building as he asks.
“Okay so there’s whatever Reggie is doing right now to worry about but other than that?” He waves dismissively, “Pshh you’ll be fine.”
James tries to force some confidence into himself. He doesn’t have to lie, which is a bonus. He gets to tell the truth, just not all of it, because all of it would include the Black brothers and he won’t throw them under the bus just to ensure he doesn’t get hit. He will stick by them through this and he will take whatever comes his way.
Sirius gives James a moment to compose himself but James’ moment is cut short when Sirius says, “You don’t think he’s hurting Evan do you?”
James in no way thinks that Regulus is stupid enough to physically harm the creator of the afterlife neighborhood that they live in, the person who has the power to send all of them to the Bad Place if he chooses, because Regulus is extremely smart and thinks things through. That knowledge doesn’t stop James and Sirius from instantly bolting up the stairs, down the hallway and into the office.
When they enter the room, Regulus is not beating Evan senseless, and for that James gives a sigh of relief. Not that he actually thought that was happening, but it’s nice to be reassured. Regulus stands behind Evan, in the corner of the room with his arms crossed against his chest, a look of stone cold fury has overtaken him. James smiles at the sight, at the reaction Regulus is having, all of the improvement he’s made shown in a single moment.
When he first met the man James saw someone who only cared about themselves and how to get ahead. Now Regulus stands firm, ready to fight for James in any way he can and James is eternally grateful to have someone like him on his side.
“Get out.” Regulus commands, not daring to take his eyes off of James.
“Regulus,” Evan says, “While I appreciate all you have done to help me in the past few days, I do need to speak with James.”
Regulus’ stare cuts deep, “We aren’t done speaking about it yet. James and Sirius, you need to step out for another minute while I talk with Evan.”
Evan’s forehead falls into his hands, “You told me you could be emotionally distant from the results. You knew this was a possibility.” He lifts his head and looks directly at Regulus, who refuses to meet the gaze.
“Turns out I was wrong. Bask in this moment because you won’t witness anything like it again.” And then softly, “Are you okay?”
It takes James a moment to realize Regulus is speaking directly at him now, “Yea-Yes. I’m fine. I just went home for a bit but I’m here now. I can talk to Evan. It’s alright.”
Regulus steps closer until he’s toe-to-toe with James. The freckles across his nose and cheeks are highlighted by the room's dim lighting, brightened against his pale skin. His eyes are darker than normal, grey overtaking the tints of blue. James stares, examining the shorter man and all of the ways he seems different now.
This can’t possibly be the same person who weeks ago told James that he didn’t belong here and asked for his help. Could it? The same Regulus who caused a downpour of rubbish and debris over the neighborhood just to ensure that he didn’t have to go near a lake? The same Regulus who opened up a sinkhole to avoid speaking to his brother? All versions of Regulus that James has gotten to see are all of a sudden in focus, because yes he is all of those pieces of himself, and he is so much more.
This is a Regulus refusing to meet Evan’s eyes out of spite. A kind of Regulus that is looking James in the eyes instead of looking away. A Regulus that is fighting, not the consequences of his own actions but for something, for some one , for James. It seems every day James finds another part of Regulus, a secret once kept hidden away for only the holder, but a new piece has just clicked in. Another fragment for James to endure, to accept, to treasure, and James will take it. In another version of this world James may not have known Regulus by anything other than his name, and he’s so very grateful to be living in this world, where he can keep on discovering.
“He’s wrong.” Regulus whispers, “All the way.” James’ breath hitches. There are a thousand meanings behind those first two words. James isn’t the one at fault. Regulus and Sirius are the ones who don’t belong. James is a good person. Evan won’t be able to send James away. Evan doesn’t have all of the information. The second sentence however, has one clear meaning. No matter what the outcome of this meeting is, Regulus will be by his side, through it all.
James thought maybe he’d get a hug from Regulus perhaps, a small physical gesture of support. He feels a small pang of disappointment when he watches Regulus’ back as he leaves the room without turning around, without another word. Regulus’ words are law, and what he says goes. James and all others must obey because it is what Regulus says. He says it’s going to be okay, that Evan is wrong, so it must be. Sirius follows immediately after his brother, giving James a small smile.
Unsure of how long this is going to take, James takes the seat across from Evan and tries to make himself comfortable. He readjust his position five times over, crossing and uncrossing his legs, putting his arms on the rests and in his lap. Evan waits until he has stopped moving to speak.
There are papers spewed across the desk but Evan looks at none of them and instead meets James’ eyes, cutting him with every word.
“I truly didn’t expect this from you James. I don’t know how it happened or why, but you’ve always striked me as the kind of person who values honesty. I would think that at the bare minimum, you would have come to me and spoke the truth. Maybe we could have worked out a deal but now after everything, you’ve left me no choice.”
There isn’t a question anywhere in Evan’s words, and James thinks saying less will be the best thing at the moment, just until he can fully figure out what Evan thinks he knows. That doesn’t stop him from asking, “What makes you think it was me?”
Evan sighs, “I had my suspicions at the beginning. When this all started you would hide yourself away, rarely going out to see other residents, even after I encouraged you to do so. Don’t look so surprised that I took notice. I am aware of your friendship with Sirius of course and it does make sense that you would find someone physically close to you as your confidant. I suppose it was probably easier that way, having someone by your side to see if anyone was growing suspicious of you. I suspect Sirius knows about your…status. Even in the past few days during my investigation you’ve been closed off, rarely speaking to others.”
Oh. The philosophy lessons, the fight he had with Regulus, moving into Regulus’ home with his best friend next door, it did nothing to help with this. He moved so they could study in secret, taking himself away from the town square, away from people. He sequestered himself when things got more complicated when he learned about Sirius. He hid himself away to avoid confrontation with Regulus, to give him the space he needed, and now it’s all backfiring.
If James had just pushed, if he left the house a little more, spoke a few more words to Sirius or Regulus in front of Evan, this might have never happened. He doomed himself by trying to be a good person and by giving others what they wanted, what they needed.
James tries to combat Evan’s reasoning, “You read in my file that I only had two friends on Earth. I don’t understand why it’s weird that it’s taken me some time to make some here. Sirius is my friend of course but we’ve only been here what? Three weeks? That’s nothing compared to the twenty-eight years I had.”
James tries to calm the pounding of his heart in his chest, steady his breathing. All Evan has to do is look in his file and see that everything is in order. If James’ friendships and status as a recluse are the only cause for concern, Evan truly has nothing.
“That’s what I thought at first too.” Evan says, “That’s why I pushed you to both make friends, expanding your horizons, while also encouraging you to be content with being alone. It’s been a long time since then, and can you confidently tell me that you’ve branched out? Outside of Sirius and Regulus?”
James doesn't have a response for that because the answer is no. He’s been so concerned with making sure he doesn’t share either of the Black brother’s secrets he’s hidden himself away, to ensure he doesn’t screw anything up. It looks like he failed in a different way.
“And then,” Evan continues, taking James’ silence as a confession of guilt, “When I was reviewing each location that predated the chaos, I found a common link within you . You were at the welcome party which caused the following day's events. You were part of the trash clean up crew which led to the storm. And of course, you were at the location of the sinkhole just minutes before it opened up. I still have yet to figure out what you did to cause these events, but I am hopeful that you will open up about it now that I know what’s happened.”
“Surely there were other people that were also at those places at the same time?” James tries, instantly regretting the words as soon as they fall from his lips, because he knows of at least two other people that would fall under. “I mean-the neighborhood is only so big and most people stay within a certain range of space. Anyone could be concerned close by at any time.”
“Of course there were.” Evan says as though it was obvious, “It didn’t come to me until more recently unfortunately but I see that you are the only true answer. Especially given your ties to Regulus. Am I wrong to assume that Regulus gave you updates on my investigation?”
Finally, something James can answer and be completely honest about, “He didn’t even tell me he was helping you investigate. I knew nothing about it.”
Evan appears disappointed, his head tilting and a sadness in his eyes. Fuck, Regulus must have already told Evan that James knew the investigation was happening.
“Regulus only told me two days ago.” James concedes, “I knew nothing about it before that though. The only reason why he told me was because I found out on my own and confronted him about it.”
“Were you spying on him?” Evan asks, voice pitched, an eyebrow raised and a look of concern. “Were you angry that he was getting close to finding out about you? That’s why you confronted him? This seems to be worse than I initially thought. James if you aimed to physically harm one of the residents because of-”
“No!” James has to give in, he can’t dig this further than he already has. He has to lie and every part of his being hates it. What he would hate more though would be if Regulus got caught because of him. “I wasn’t spying. I overheard a conversation he was having with you about residents seeming suspicious. The only reason I brought it up with him, in a calm manner ,” James emphasizes those words deeply, “was because I thought he would come to me with something so big. I didn’t want him to have to carry all of that alone.”
Evan seems to debate this for a moment, weighing James’ words with what he thinks to be true. The conclusion drawn isn’t in James’ favor, “I wish I could believe you. Your whereabouts along with your reclusiveness, and your access to the information have made you the prime suspect. I believe Regulus tried to throw me off the trail when he figured out what was going on. All together it comes up one way and only one way.”
James feels his hands shaking, he tucks them into his lap to hide them from Evan, he doesn’t want any more signs of guilt to be shown. All Evan has to do is look again at James’ file and see that everything is in order and everything will be fine, or rather closer to fine but still. He wishes he would have had time to talk with Regulus before the meeting, to figure out what Regulus and Evan talked about. At this point, there’s only one way to get that information,
“What makes you think Regulus was trying to, “Throw you off the trail” as you put it?” James makes air quotes with his fingers as he asks, trying to emphasize how ridiculous he thinks it sounds.
“He has been behaving strangely since I asked him to join me in my investigation. I asked him if he could be emotionally distant from the results, and as we can see that was not the case. Either way over the past few days he has been trying to allude to something else, something non-human as being the issue. I believe I may have slipped up when I told him that someone he cares about was on my suspect list but nevertheless he should not have tried to help you. I will be speaking with him about it later restassured.”
James isn’t sure what to do with that. It is nice to think about how Regulus heard there was someone he cared about on the list and he immediately went to Sirius, a part that he conveniently left out of his retelling of how everything went down.
There’s one tactic that James hasn’t tried yet, “Evan, I wasn’t the one who caused this. You’ve made a mistake.” It’s a risky move, if Evan doesn’t think it’s James he’s bound to look at other residents but James can’t just sit here and accept whatever punishment Evan wants to dole out.
“If it is not you James, who is it?” Evan asks, “Do you have any other ideas because I surely do not.”
James has done nothing but tell the truth from the moment he entered this cursed office. He’s done nothing but be honest while hiding away bits and pieces to protect his friends. He will not turn on them. He will not be the reason they are doomed for eternity, he will stick by them as they have stuck by him. He knows they’re out there now, plotting, scheming, finding any way they can to save James from this. So he sacrifices a little piece of himself, the honest part that he has held so dear and cradled since he was a child, from the moment he learned how much lies can hurt. “No. I don’t have any idea who else it could be.”
Evan seems disappointed with the answer, “Now James, you have not been honest with me so far, but I ask for your honesty now.” He folds his hands on his desk, looking directly at James, “Does anyone else here in this neighborhood, Sirius perhaps, know that you don’t belong? Have you disclosed this information with anybody?”
James tries to relax his body despite it fighting to flee, “I can confidently and honestly tell you that nobody thinks I was put here by mistake.”
Again, the look of disappointment, and James knows he’s lost. “I wish I could believe you James. As soon as I figure out what went wrong with your file, I will have Remus call a train to escort you to the Bad Place.”
James just has to hold out long enough for Regulus and Sirius to figure this out, to find some solution for everything to be okay because right now everything is so bleak. He just needs to talk to them. They’re on the other side of the door, a few feet away. He just needs a moment to-
“You will be quarantined in my office until further notice.”
And with that, all of James’ hope is lost.
~*~
Regulus has just finished explaining to Sirius everything that happened after James ran away from town square when Evan exits his office and enters the waiting room.
After James so graciously stood up so fast it threw his chair back and he bolted away, causing all of the neighbors to momentarily freak out, Regulus went right up to Evan and asked that they speak privately. Regulus had his suspicions of where James would run off to, and he had no doubts Sirius would find him. He needed to speak with Evan and gather as much information as possible before James’ inevitable return.
Regulus demanded to know why Evan thought James was the cause of all of the problems in the neighborhood and Evan, so organized and full of delirious ideas, provided all of his reasonings to Regulus as if he was listing off groceries he was planning on picking up.
The thing that fueled Regulus’ rage the most was that he didn’t see it coming. He has always been able to see the routes his plans can take and this one was clear, either Sirius was going to be to blame or Evan would place it all on himself. Those were the options. James was never supposed to be a part of the equation that led them here.
Looking back Regulus can see how all of the pieces fell into place. He can’t help but feel that him choosing to ignore James, causing James to try and give him space, and distancing himself from everyone else, was the primary cause. If Regulus had just spoken to James, told him everything from the beginning, forgiven him for hiding secrets about Sirius, this could have all been avoided. Now it’s once again Regulus’ job to clean up the mess he made, only this time he won’t have James by his side to guide him through it.
Evan’s eyes are dim, his back slouched, he looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. He doesn’t even try to look at Regulus, and instead opts for speaking towards Sirius, “I have spoken with James about my conclusion. Remus will be calling for a train to take him to the Bad Place in the morning. Sirius sit down please. I know this is difficult for you both. I can’t imagine the kind of shock that you’re going through at the moment. For now, I believe it’s going to be best to keep James here until the train shows up.”
“Don’t we get to at least say goodbye?” Sirius asks heartbrokenly.
Evan nods, “You can say your farewells in the morning. Please, go home and get some rest. It’s been a long night for all of us.”
Regulus glares at Evan, daring him to say one more awful thing about James. Evan doesn’t look at him. It is only when Regulus notices that Sirius is getting up and heading out the front doors that Regulus stands up and follows.
He’s out of plans, he’s out of ideas, he’s out of options. None of this was supposed to happen and now he’s lost. He steps out into the night and sees Sirius with a smile on his face.
“Why the fuck are you so happy? Your best friend is about to be sent to the Bad Place to be tortured for the rest of time and it’s our fault!” Regulus yells. He feels the anger bubbling inside of him, ready to release now that Evan isn’t nearby.
Sirius' smile only widens and Regulus is ready to lunge forward but is interrupted by Sirius saying, “Stop yelling before someone hears you! Who did Evan say calls the trains again?”
“Remus?” Regulus asks more than answers, confused as to what that has to do with anything.
If Regulus didn’t know any better he’d say there was a damn sparkle in Sirius’ eyes. “Well then I think I know a solution to all of our problems.”
“What could you possibly be going on about?” Regulus asks, frustrated at his brother's vagueness. They need to formulate a plan and act on it quickly if they want any chance of being able to save James. They’ve made it this far and coming clean about everything is not an option, but they need something, anything.
“Let’s just say,” Sirius says, “I had the chance to get to know Remus very well in my time alone and I think he would be more than willing to do something for me to help out.”
Regulus grimices, “Don’t tell me you fucked the robot.”
“Not a robot baby brother” Sirius chides, “and I can honestly tell you I have not fucked him…yet.”
They are not talking about this right now. There is no way in hell that James is in imminent danger and Sirius is choosing to bring up his lust for a non-human being at this moment.
“Is that sinkhole still open?” Regulus turns around towards the center of the neighborhood where he knows very well the sinkhole is unfortunately gone, “I’m going to go check and throw myself down into it.”
“And you say I’m the dramatic one.” Sirius sighs.
“I wouldn’t know.” Regulus says plainly. Sirius quickly shuts up. After all of the years apart from his brother it’s true. He doesn’t know much about Sirius anymore. He knows the sixteen year old version of Sirius and all of the ones that came before that, but Sirius, as he is now, is something Regulus knows nothing about. He can see the remnants of who Sirius used to be, but that’s all they are, bits and pieces of who he once was. Twelve years changes a person and Regulus can’t help but briefly wonder about all of the ways Sirius is probably different now.
Regulus clears his throat, trying to thaw out the tension that sits in the air between them, “Anyways, do you really think he can help?”
Sirius shrugs, uncertainty in his eyes, “I’m guessing that if Evan has to call on Remus to run the train, he’s probably the only one who can operate it. I’ll have to ask him just to confirm but it’s the start of a plan.”
A start of a plan is better than nothing, and as of right now there doesn’t seem to be any other options. Regulus wishes he could have had a few more minutes with Evan, to try and convince the architect that he was wrong about James. Regulus doesn’t understand why Evan can’t just look at James’ file, and see that everything is in order but that doesn’t matter at this point. All that matters is finding any way they can to delay James being sent away by whatever means necessary until they can convince Evan that he’s made a mistake.
Reluctantly, Regulus follows Sirius away from the heart of the neighborhood. They walk together quickly back to Regulus' house, not wanting to run into Barty at Sirius’. They’re only in the house for a second before Sirius is calling for Remus. A faint ping is heard and a third member has joined their small party. Regulus can’t help but notice the way Remus smiles towards Sirius, something he hasn’t seen from Remus before. It’s odd but he tries to ignore it, there are much more important matters to deal with.
“Sirius,” Remus says, a touch of softness in his voice. That’s also new. Regulus hasn’t called on Remus much in his time here, not trusting that the things he told to the informational assistant wouldn’t somehow get back to Evan, but it seems Sirius is extremely familiar with him. So familiar in fact, he practically runs right into Remus’ arms. Remus accepts the hug gladly, ducking his head slightly to fit his face into the crook of Sirius’ neck. Regulus is going to be sick.
“You were upset,” Remus speaks so quietly Regulus can barely hear the words, “but you were with others so I did not want to risk coming to you. I have tried to update myself but things in Evan’s office can become fuzzy.”
“It’s so weird how you can just think about how I’m feeling and know.” Sirius laughs, gentle, like he’s holding back tears.
“I can stop if you would like.”
“No no. It’s alright. It’s nice knowing that you’re thinking about me.” After a moment Sirius thankfully pulls away, and speaks carefully, “Remus, we have something important to ask of you.”
“I am at your service as always. What do you need?” Remus replies.
Remus and Sirius’ bodies shift slightly and Regulus notices that they’re holding hands. Regulus only knows a little bit about Remus and how he operates but this is definitely something he knows is not supposed to be happening. He hopes Sirius isn’t actually trying to win Remus over so he can sleep with him. That’s only going to end in a lot of pain for Sirius, something that Regulus should be the cause of and no one else.
“First we need to know if you’re the only one who can operate the train.” Sirius says.
Remus’ eyebrow quirks, he obviously wasn’t expecting that kind of question from Sirius. “It is only me. Architects and residents are not allowed to and do not have the necessary skills. Only AIAs.”
“What’s that?” Regulus asks, trying to make sure he understands the conversation fully. He can’t help James if he doesn’t have all of the details he can get his hands on.
“Afterlife Informational Assistances.” Sirius turns towards Regulus and responds quickly, “Jeez Reggie this isn’t the time for stupid questions.” He turns back to Remus, “Tomorrow morning Evan is going to ask you to call a train to send James to the Bad Place. Is there any way you can ignore his orders? Don’t call the train or stop it from coming?”
Remus, a being without a heart, manages to look heartbroken, “Unfortunately I must comply with all orders given to me by the architect. Even if a resident asks me to do something, if it goes against the architect's wishes, I cannot comply.”
That sparks an idea in Regulus. Remus is the only one who can operate the train and he has to do what Evan asks of him, but if Remus wasn’t around to call the train there would be no one left who could. It’s a longshot but anything is worth asking at this point.
“Remus…is there any way we could shut you down? Not forever. Just temporarily?” Regulus' words come out carefully, not sure as to how either Remus or Sirius will react to the proposition.
“No.” Sirius cuts in sternly and harsh. “We’re not doing that.”
“There is a way to.” Remus responds anyways, and Regulus is grateful that someone else has the sense to ignore his brother at times, “There is a control panel in the forest with a shutdown switch. It was created in case I try to harm any of the residents or if my programming malfunctions. I will not die or be turned off forever, it is only temporary.”
Regulus feels a resurgence of hope. This could be exactly what they need, “So it’s possible that-”
“We’re not doing it.” Sirius cuts in again and Regulus is holding himself back from smacking his brother upside the head, “No. We’ll find another way.” There is a wish, a hope, a prayer in Sirius's voice. He must know that this is the most obvious answer, it is the simplest and most straightforward but he wants so desperately for there to be another solution.
Remus holds onto Sirius’ hands tightly, and looks directly at him, speaking softly, an attempt at coaxing Sirius from off the ledge, “If you wish for that train to not come tomorrow, there would be no better way to do it. The only other option would be to convince Evan of James’ innocence.” There’s a reluctance to Remus’ words, as if he isn’t too happy about the idea either, but it truly is the only way they can to save James.
“Well we know that’s not going to work.” Regulus says, trying to bring Sirius’ mind back to why they’re having this conversation in the first place. “Sirius, it’s our best chance.”
Remus’ eyes dart between Regulus and Sirius, unsure of who he should be addressing as he adds on one of the most important pieces of information, “I feel as though I must also tell you. When I am shut down, it will act as a restart. I will lose all of my knowledge for a small period of time but I will slowly gain it back.”
Sirius is taken aback by this bit. He looks torn between hurt at Regulus for suggesting the idea and betrayal from Remus at pushing it further, “This is a terrible idea. I don’t like it. What if you don’t remember me?” Sirius’ voice breaks.
“I will not remember you.” Remus says while tucking a stray piece of hair behind Sirius’ ear, “I will not remember anyone here. I will be aware of who my architect is, as they are the person I am programmed to assist, but I will not even know Evan’s name.”
There is a line of quiet tears falling down Sirius’ face. Regulus debates leaving the room, letting the two men have a moment alone, but he doesn’t want to waste any more time.
“Sirius get a fucking grip. He said he’s not going to die and he’ll get his memory back. It’s a small sacrifice to make in the face of everything.”
Sirius’ cheeks flush with rage and his face turns cold, rueful of Regulus’ very existence. “There is nothing small about this.” He bites out.
Regulus chooses to ignore him. “Remus, is there anything else we have to know about shutting you down?”
A small look of guilt overtakes Remus’ features as he says, “Just one more thing. When you approach the switch, I will beg for my life.”
~*~
Sirius hates every part of this plan. There is next to nothing good coming out of it. Sure it is a guaranteed way to prevent James from leaving tomorrow but there has to be another way, a scheme, a lie, or something . Regulus was their parents' favourite for a reason, his talent for making people bend to his will with a few simple words, and for the first time in his life Sirius is infuriated that Regulus isn’t putting those skills to use.
“What do you mean you’re going to beg for your life?” Sirius asks, appalled that it’s something he even needs clarification on.
Remus’ eyes bore into his and Sirius sees a sadness taking over them, “When you approach the switch I will beg, plead, bargain. I will do anything to try and convince you to choose otherwise. No matter what I say you must remember that it is not me saying those things but the programming. I may even claim that I will be hurt or in pain if you go through with it, but it is all a lie. I will be okay.”
“Are you lying to me right now? How do I know you’re telling the truth?” Sirius asks, unsure of how they’re going to go through with this.
“I do not have the ability to lie. It is only when someone approaches the switch that the ability is activated. It is a failsafe to ensure that whoever is shutting me down truly means to do so.”
Sirius should feel reassured by that. Remus will be okay no matter what he says but Sirius doesn’t want to even think about the kinds of lies Remus will tell when it comes down to it.
“Are you sure you’re okay with us doing this?” Sirius asks, because that’s what it’s going to come down to for him. The second Remus says that he doesn’t want this, that it will actually hurt him, that he doesn’t want to be shut down, Sirius is backing out, he’ll find a different route.
“Yes.” Remus says, full conviction in one three-letter word.
“Great.” Regulus says, and Sirius realizes he forgot his brother was even in the room, “Now that that’s finally settled, where is the switch? We can go to it right now and get this over with.”
Remus is about to respond but Sirius is faster, “We’ll wait until the morning.” Regulus goes to interrupt but Sirius doesn’t let him, “Evan said he’s not calling on the train until tomorrow anyways. If we do anything now it will automatically look suspicious on our part. We’ll wait until the morning so we can come up with a plan for how Remus got shut down.”
Luckily, Regulus relents quickly, “Fine. Right after sunrise we meet here and then head out. I don’t want to waste any more time than that.”
With the plan in place Sirius heads back home with Remus by his side. There are a million and ten thoughts rattling around in his brain. The five minute walk seems to only take five seconds before they’re at his front door.
“I really don’t like this.” Sirius reiterates for the fourth time. “Are you sure there’s not something else we could do?”
“Based on all of the information I have collected and researched since you called me, it is the best solution.” Remus looks down at their hands and begins rubbing small circles into the back of Sirius’ with his thumb.
Sirius looks up at Remus. With his eyes, Sirius traces the scar on Remus’ face, trailing back and forth from one side of his nose to underneath his eye. His gaze falls down to Remus’ lips, and he decides now is the best time to ask, “What’s your favourite thing you’ve created?”
Remus looks up, and Sirius feels those brown eyes burrow into his soul. Brown like chocolate, warm and comforting. Brown like soil, rich and full of life. “The moon.” Remus says with a small sigh, perhaps reminiscing on when he made it.
“I knew you made everything but even the moon?” Sirius asks, amazed and in awe.
Remus lets out a small laugh and Sirius wants to bathe in the sound, “Yes, I did. We are not on Earth so that is not the same moon you have grown used to. Most AIAs copy and paste the Earth’s moon but I made that one with the residents in mind. It is special. It is something I thought you would all enjoy and I believe it is my best work.”
“Remus?” Sirius all but whispers.
“Yes Sirius?” Their faces only inches apart.
“I really want to kiss you right now.” Sirius admits, no flushed face, no embarrassment, because he has been holding onto this feeling for so long now.
“I know.” Remus responds quietly. It is not because he was digging through Sirius’ thoughts that he knew, he simply did.
“Can I?” Sirius’ voice is laced with hope and want. It’s taking every bit of himself to restrain from jumping into Remus’ arms and pushing their lips together.
“That is the first time I have been given a question I do not know the answer to.”
Sirius takes a step back, still holding onto Remus’ hands but then carefully letting them go. “Then I will wait until the answer is a resounding yes.” A small smile plays on Remus’ lips as Sirius gives one more goodbye, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Sirius walks into his house and leans against the door as soon as it’s behind him. He takes a breath, and then three more, trying to regain his bearings. He listens for the sound of violins and pianos to indicate Barty is asleep and is grateful when he hears the hum as he passes Barty’s room.
He strips from the day's clothes until he’s in nothing but his underwear and climbs into bed. After the day’s events and so many thoughts attacking him from all sides, it’s amazing how quickly sleep overtakes him.
***
When Sirius wakes up it is with the sun. He had the forethought to open the curtains of his window before he fell asleep to ensure he woke up on time. Groggily he throws the blankets away from his body and stares at the ceiling. Today is the day he’s going to kill Remus.
“You are not killing me. It will not hurt.” Sirius whips his head to the side and finds Remus standing in the corner of his room. He then looks down and remembers he’s not wearing any clothes except his underwear. Quickly he tries to gather the blankets to hide himself away.
Remus gives a small laugh, “Sirius, I am already fully aware of what you look like naked. There is no need to be ashamed… at all.”
Sirius’ cheeks darken deep hues of red, “Know-it-all.” He grumbles, “I’ll never get used to it.” Resigned, he removes the blankets and walks to his wardrobe, hastily putting on clothes for the day.
Remus watches him as he tugs on a t-shirt and pulls up his black jeans. Despite the lighthearted earlier comments, there is a sadness in the air, deep and foreboding of what is to come.
“I am going to go to Regulus’ house before Barty wakes up and finds me here. I will see you in just a moment.” Remus says.
Before he manages to leave, Sirius grabs him by the wrist, stands on his toes and presses a firm but quick kiss to Remus’ cheek. Remus raises a hand and gently touches the marked spot, a half smile, and then he’s gone.
Life’s too short for regrets and the afterlife is too messed up to worry about small ones. Sirius heads downstairs, pausing for just a second at Barty’s door to hear the hum of cellos, before grabbing his jacket and walking out the door.
Remus and Regulus are waiting outside. Remus grabs onto Sirius’ hand and together the three of them make their trek into the forest.
The early morning birds sing their songs as if this is any other day. The sun continues its journey over the horizon, overtaking the moon, Remus’ moon. Sirius feels a twinge in his chest, not ready for what lies ahead.
It’s not a long walk, maybe twenty or so minutes before they reach the switch. The three of them stand about five meters away, examining, and seeing who will be the first one to move. Remus turns to Sirius, but makes a point to also look at Regulus while he speaks, “As soon as you start approaching I will be summoned to the switch. No one will be able to call on me as long as someone is within range of the device. I will begin to plead as soon as I am brought there. Remember, whatever I say, it is not real.”
Sirius gives a small nod and squeezes Remus’ hand. Regulus, for the first time, looks conflicted, he’s not sure if this is the right thing to do either.
The device sits in a small circular clearing. A cream white pole only about a meter high, contrasting the browns and greens of the surrounding area. On the top of the pole is a horizontal glass casing, containing a single lever. At the bottom of the lever there is a bright red light, signaling it being turned on.
Regulus begins to step forward towards the device but Sirius stops him, “It should be me.” He says regretfully, “If anyone is going to do it, it should be me.”
Regulus lets out a sigh of relief. Sirius rolls his eyes, of course now is the time Regulus realizes how idiotic this all is, at the point of no return. Evan will be calling for Remus any minute now. Slowly, Sirius releases his harsh grip on Remus’ hand and takes a step forward.
Like he said, Remus immediately appears next to the switch. He looks panicked, and so, so scared. Sirius’ breath hitches. If he never has to see this image again he will be forever grateful. Remus’ hair is sticking up in all directions. His clothes are a rumpled mess. His eyes wide with fear, his face flushed. His cheeks are already stained with tears. When he speaks, there are breaks and cracks in his voice,
“Sirius-Sirius what are you doing?” Remus holds out his arms, begging Sirius to not take any steps closer, “I care about you. I thought you cared about me? Why are you doing this? Please don’t hurt me. I don’t want to go.” His words come out rushed and frantic. Sirius’ heart breaks, he’s not sure if he can do this, but it has to be him.
“Oh Darling,” Sirius’ takes another step closer to the switch, “I care about you far more than I should.” Another step, “I'm so sorry but I’ll see you really soon.”
“I won’t ever forgive you if you pull that switch. I’ll hate you forever.” Remus says through gritted teeth and tears in his eyes, but those words are all it takes for Sirius to grab the switch, and pull. The red light turns off. Remus goes silent, and falls to the ground.
Sirius has spent a lot of time with Remus. He has grown feelings he knows he shouldn’t have but couldn’t help. He knows the way Remus thinks and what he thinks about. The way he speaks and the kinds of words he chooses to say. I won’t and I’ll hate were the only words Sirius needed, to know that wasn’t his Remus speaking. His Remus may one day say those words, and the thought is painful, but he won’t ever say them in that way. It was not the Remus of late night secret rendezvous, the one who loves the moon he created and the secrets Sirius shares in the dark. This was some other version of Remus that can tell lies, that aims to hurt in order to get what he wants.
Sirius runs over to the body on the ground. He drops down and pulls Remus’ head into his lap. His tears fall onto the unconscious man’s face. He’s semi-aware of his brother behind him but Regulus can go fuck himself for all Sirius cares because Remus is gone and he’s not responding. Sirius tries to get Remus to wake up, even though he knows he won’t be remembered but there is no movement.
Regulus stands behind Sirius and puts an arm on his shoulder. Within another second Sirius hears the telltale ping and Remus’ body is gone. Sirius’ hands drop to the ground with the rest of him and he cries. He cries and he cries because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do now. Remus is gone. Sirius doesn’t know if he’s coming back and even if he does, Remus won’t remember him.
Regulus doesn’t say anything, he just stands and watches as Sirius has his moment. Seconds pass, and then minutes before Sirius is able to gain enough strength to stand up again.
They leave the forest together the way they came. They pass Regulus’ house, and then Sirius’ and head into town. James will be waiting for them and if somehow things didn’t work out, they are expected to say goodbye. If that’s what it comes to, Sirius knows that is not how things will play out. He is going to get them out of this if he must.
“Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Regulus asks as they walk, “Back there with Remus? I thought it was just physical between you two but that seemed like something…more.”
Sirius is quick to respond, “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s private.”
“I thought you wanted us to be closer or whatever.” Regulus is probing, and Sirius could use this as an opportunity to open up and maybe Regulus would give a little piece of himself in return. But now is not the time, it’s too fresh and hurts too much.
“That doesn’t mean that I need to tell you everything. Drop it and don’t bring it up again.” Sirius can feel the coldness in his voice, and he doesn’t care.
They go to the office building and are met with a frantic looking Evan. Regulus is trying to hold back a smile, and Sirius glares at his brother. It may have worked but was the cost worth it? Just because Remus was shut down doesn’t mean anything, not yet.
“Evan, what’s wrong?” Regulus asks, faking concern.
Evan speaks with barely a breath between words, “Remus was shut down and I don’t know how. James was in my office all night so it couldn’t have been him. I made a terrible mistake and now I don’t know what to do. I am more certain than ever now that it is one of the residents of the neighborhood that is causing these problems but it appears I got the wrong one. I’m calling a neighborhood meeting right now. Please go tell James he’s free to go and then meet me in the town square with everyone else.”
Evan quickly leaves the building. Regulus and Sirius rush into the office and find James, confusion overtaking him. “What’s going on?” He asks.
Regulus and Sirius take turns explaining what happened from the moment they left. Regulus adds in details about his talk with Evan prior to James showing up, and Sirius admits to shutting down Remus. By the end of it, Sirius expects James to be relieved, instead he’s met with a James more stressed than the moment his name was called out in front of the entire neighborhood last night.
“Why aren’t you happy?” Regulus asks, voicing Sirius’ question out loud. “We just fixed everything!”
James sighs, “No, you didn’t. You committed murder in order to help me. I’m sure Evan would have figured out eventually that I belong here and could have made an assumption that something else was the problem, or that he was the problem. Now he knows that it has to be another resident and who else would have a better reason to make sure I stay than you two?”
Sirius sits with that for a moment, “So it was all for nothing…” he says, wondering how he could have possibly let it get this far.
James looks dejected, “We don’t know yet I suppose. We need to go to the meeting. Evan will be wondering what’s keeping us.”
They have no other choice. The three men walk together into the town square. There are no chairs this time, that’s something Remus would have set up. Swarms of neighbors sit on the grass around the fountain, each one with a confused look, wondering what’s going on. Sirius, Regulus and James take a seat. Evan takes the stage.
“Thank you all for coming out here on such short notice. I regret to inform you that yesterday I made a statement that was untrue. James is not the cause of the chaos we have been experiencing. He has been quarantined in my office since last night. During the time he was with me someone shut down Remus, a key factor in keeping the neighborhood operating and running. I believe that this person is our true culprit. I will be beginning a thorough investigation of each resident in the following days. I’m so sorry that it has come to this. Please, if you have any information at all, come forward. We cannot continue to live like this.”
Sirius doesn’t want to live in a world where Remus won’t remember him. He doesn’t want to live in a world knowing he is the reason James is sent away. He doesn’t want to live in a world where Regulus could be caught at any moment. Sirius thinks back to that night, the night he ran away from home and left Regulus behind. He thinks back to all of the years that followed when he was trying to save money to go back and get his brother out of that cursed house. He thinks back to the day he realized he failed, that Regulus had to get himself out. This time, he isn’t going to let his brother suffer through this alone. He didn’t fight with everything he had just for Regulus to return to a place of torment, he suffered enough in life, he doesn’t need to do that again here.
Sirius turns and looks at his brother, maybe for the last time, and realizes Regulus is speaking to himself, “The magnitude of a progress is gauged by the greatness of the sacrifice that it requires.”
Before Sirius can process what’s happening, before he can do it first, Regulus is standing up in the sea of people. “Evan, I’m the one who doesn’t belong. I was brought here by mistake and I am the reason for everything that’s happened.”
Notes:
Wolfstar my beloved <3
I cannot believe how absolutely perfect the quote I found for this chapter was
Thank you to those that have left kudos, comments, bookmarked this fic, and have subscribed to it, it means so much to me and really helps me when I'm not feeling particularly motivated to write.
If you have any thoughts or theories for what's to come I'd love to hear it! Thank you again <3
Chapter 12: Knowledge and Ignorance
Notes:
I've got a really busy day tomorrow so I'm updating a day early. Next week will be back to Wednesdays!
I am currently going through chapters 1-7 and making edits. The events won't be changing but I feel like I know the characters a lot better now, and my writing has definitely improved so some tweaks are going to be made.
Last little note, Part One will officially have 20 chapters if that's as far as you want to read
Warnings:
Self depreciation
Memory loss
Angst
Mentions of death
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance. -Plato
***
Regulus isn’t summoned to Evan’s office until the day after he makes his confession to the entire neighborhood. He’s unsure as to why he was given so long while James only had minutes, but he’s grateful for the small bit of time to collect himself.
He doesn’t regret coming forward and telling the truth, even if he is fully aware of the consequences that lie ahead, it was a small sacrifice in the face of everything. Watching Sirius as he dealt with the murder of Remus, and seeing the panic on James’ face when the brothers admitted to what they had done, had put everything into perspective. Regulus isn’t happy knowing he’s doomed to be sent away, but there is a weight he has felt lift from his mind from the moment he decided to stand up and speak the truth. He doesn’t belong in the Good Place, and he never did.
James and Sirius had tried to hound him about why he made his choice, why he would willingly put himself in this position, but he refused to answer any line of questioning they threw his way. They wouldn’t like the answers he had to give, it would be better to let them wonder and come up with their own conclusions than admit another piece of truth.
What is the truth? That question has been plaguing Regulus’ mind since last night and although he thinks he knows the answer, he can’t be sure. He had been sitting there, going over the night’s events and a wave of clarity had overtaken him. There was no way he was going to make it out of this, but he could save Sirius and James from any further fall out. He could protect them from having to go in his stead.
First, there was James. Regulus doesn’t know what James was coerced into saying in Evan’s office the other night. He doesn’t know if James told the truth, if he did Regulus could safely guess there were many parts omitted, or if he chose to give up part of what makes James, James , and lied through his teeth. Regulus truly believes he has become a better person under the guidance of James, but he doesn’t want James to get lost along the way.
Then, there was Remus. Remus the robot who is not a robot and Regulus could see that clearly now. Remus had gone against Evan, the architect he was programmed to assist in any way, and decided to help James and Sirius instead. Remus had seen the way Sirius was hurting and did everything he could in order to ease the pain, even when it meant getting shut down. Regulus saw the way Remus blatantly lied in order to save himself, saying don’t do this, instead of do not do this. Through the lies Remus made sure that they knew he was there to help, even at such a great cost. That in the eleventh hour, he was still with them.
And as Regulus thought through these things, and as he came to a conclusion about what he was going to do next, he could feel Sirius coming to the same decision, call it a brotherly instinct. He wasn’t going to let Sirius do it again, leave him again. Regulus has by no means forgiven his brother for causing his death and all of the events of their childhood that lead up to it, but he was not about to let Sirius take the fall for him again, leaving Regulus with the knowledge that he is the reason his brother is being tortured for all time.
These may not have been the things that lead to Regulus doing what he did, but they had a part in it. One piece may have outweighed the others but Regulus will never admit to which. He had found himself remembering a quote written on a whiteboard in his home. They never studied Nietzsche and Regulus has yet to have the chance to ask why, and he never will, but for some reason James had kept the quote on the top of the white board from the beginning of their very first lesson.
The magnitude of a progress is gauged by the greatness of the sacrifice that it requires.
Regulus had never thought much of the words prior to last night. He had assumed it was something James had just liked or a phrase that he had resonated with. Regulus had never truly thought about the meaning, as James never made mention of the sixteen words. It had sat looming in the corner of that board but it was there every time Regulus looked.
It could have been James, or Remus, it might have been Sirius or Nietzsche, but as Regulus makes what may be his final walk back to Evan’s office, he thinks it may just very well have been himself. An internal desire for this to all be over. He has fought, he has studied, and he has tried, but it has been shown time and time again that he will never be enough. There will always be a new obstacle to overcome, a new scheme he must devise which will only lead to more problems. He can either spend his eternity dodging and weaving his way through the tanglement of lies he has told, or he can give in, and accept what has long been coming, what was always meant to be.
Within a few blinks of his eyes, Regulus is sitting on a soft white couch, awaiting the arrival of Evan. His thoughts drift and sway from one thing onto the next, but there is a sense of peace in the lavender scent that fills the room, a wash of calm that overtakes him. He can breathe a little easier, knowing what he has done, even if he is unsure of the reasons as to why he has done it.
A small part of him wishes that James and Sirius were here, but a larger part knows that this is for the best. They don’t need to see or hear what comes next.
Evan opens the door. His white t-shirt is tucked into his black pants, firmly pressed. His blonde hair is freshly styled, and although there are remnants of dark circles under his eyes, they are far less than in the past few days. “Regulus,” He says, voice firm, “Come on in.”
Regulus pushes his hands into his knees to stand up, and follows Evan through the door. He holds his chin up high, accepting his walk into the gallows. Evan sits in his office chair and Regulus sits across from him. There are only three objects sitting on the desk where papers usually lay: a singular pen, a notebook free from any marks, and a small clear cube.
Evan clears his throat, “It’s time I understand everything that has happened since your arrival. After my meeting with James, before Remus was shut down,” Evan’s soft gaze turns momentarily into a glare, “I had Remus get me a lie detector. I’ve never heard of an architect actually having to use one before, but it is one-hundred percent effective. It’s tapped into the same knowledge database as Remus so you won’t be able to lie without me knowing while we speak. Now…tell me everything,”
Regulus stares at the cube, “Where should I start?”
“Most people choose the beginning.”
Regulus weaves his tale. He tells Evan everything, well mostly everything, from the very beginning. He speaks about the moment he realized he was put in the Good Place by mistake. He omits the part where he told James about it. He talks about the welcoming party. He doesn’t let Evan know that he asked James to teach him. He rattles on about the promises he made to Evan and then promptly broke while everyone was swimming. He leaves James out of it. He talks about the following days and weeks, trying to better himself to earn his spot, even when one particular day involved Barty leaving him in a fit of rightful anger. He describes the events leading up to the sinkhole. He doesn’t mention a brother. He tells the story of a man who was worried for his friends and tried to deceive Evan into thinking he was the problem. He doesn’t say why he cared about them so much.
The entire time, the cube glows a bright green, letting Evan know that every detail, every word, is true. Evan stays silent for all of it, letting Regulus give day by day accounts of his attempts, and his failures. He brings the recount of events to an end after James was wrongly condemned. Hours have passed and Regulus falls silent.
“And then what happened?” Evan asks.
Regulus looks to the cube, making sure it hears him clearly, “Anything that happened after that, I won’t tell you about.” It glows green.
Evan sighs and falls back into his chair, an unwilling acceptance that he will be getting no more information. “I do have one more specific question I must ask you.” Regulus sits up straighter, preparing himself for what’s coming, “Did you kill Remus?”
“No.” The cube glows green, and then fades. “I know who did.” Another light of green before it dims. “And I will not tell you who.”
Evan doesn’t even bother to look at the cube at the last remark. His notebook is now filled with details of Regulus’ days and weeks since his arrival, a scratchy mess of details, points, theories, questions, and answers. Evan reviews all he has written, trying to make sense of everything Regulus has told him.
“This is a lot to process,” Evan finally concedes.
Regulus lets out a huff of a laugh, “Imagine how I feel.”
Evan’s eyes flit back and forth between Regulus and his notebook. He bites his lip and then carefully asks, “And you’re sure that it is you that was put here by mistake, and not someone close to you?”
Regulus looks Evan straight in the eyes, refusing to back down from his endless array of truth, “I’m sure.” Green illuminates the room.
“Regulus, although I admire your new found honesty there is still a lot to answer. My questions pertaining to Remus for one. I know you said that you won’t give me the name of whoever killed him but this is the Good Place and the only kind of people that are allowed here are good people. We’re still waiting for Remus to wake up and as soon as he does I will be asking him who killed him. Does that change your mind as to answering me now?”
“No, it doesn’t.” because Regulus will find a way to get to Remus first. He will make sure that if it’s not him then it’s Sirius and if not Sirius then it is James. Someone will be by Remus’ side the moment he wakes up to ensure that he doesn’t know who killed him, and if they do, convince him somehow, someway to keep it a secret. Another secret that must be shared in the name of Regulus.
“Well, whomever it was, there will be consequences.” Evan taps his finger on the desk, thinking carefully about his next words, “I haven’t been trained as to what to do in this kind of situation but we cannot allow whoever did this to walk around unpunished. As for now however, there is something I can do about you.”
Evan reaches into his desk and pulls out a corded phone. He punches in a number and places it on speaker, allowing Regulus to listen in. It only takes a moment for someone to answer,
“This is Bad Place reception.” A cheery feminine voice says on the other side of the line, “How may I direct your call?”
“I need to speak with Avery please.” Evan looks up to Regulus, not daring to take his eyes off of him, “This is Evan from Good Place neighborhood 3R10J60L.”
“One moment.” The peppy woman says. There is a faint click as they are put on hold. Baby by Justin Bieber proceeds to play through the phone. It plays on a loop and by Regulus’ count, fourteen times have passed before someone finally answers. Evan doesn’t give the person on the other side of the line a moment to speak before he gives the message.
“This is Evan from Good Place neighborhood 3R10J60L.” Regulus can feel the weight of Evan’s gaze, unrelenting, “I believe you are missing someone by the name of Regulus Arcturus Black. He is in my neighborhood. Please come and get him.”
“On it.” A gruff male voice says before the sound of a phone slamming down can be heard.
This time, when Evan looks to Regulus, his eyes are softer, almost regretful, “I will be meeting with your friends in the coming hours to get their side of the story, but until then there is some time before the train will arrive. Use it to say your goodbyes.”
Regulus doesn’t wait for any further instruction. He promptly gets up and leaves the office, and sprints back to his home. He’s not sure of what he’s going to say to James and Sirius when he sees them, unsure of how they’ll react to what happened or what he learned, but he needs to have these last few moments, they’ll keep him strong in the times to come.
He makes quick work of his journey home. He rushes into the house and sees James and Sirius waiting for him. Without another moment to think he flings himself into James’ arms and holds on tight. If James is startled by Regulus’ actions, he doesn’t show it. He instantly holds onto Regulus in an embrace that says far more than words ever could.
Sirius clears his throat, and Regulus becomes aware of what he’s doing. He pulls back from James quickly and rights himself.
“What happened?” James asks.
Regulus glances back and forth between his brother and James, not sure of how much he should tell, but he has made his promises to James and if he speaks, it will be the truth, “Evan is going to be summoning the both of you, and I think Barty too, to ask about Remus. The Bad Place is coming in a few hours, and I’ll be leaving with them.”
Sirius falls onto the couch and James’ face drops. “They can’t just send you away like that,” James says.
“We always knew this could happen-that it probably would happen. I still have a few hours before they get here. I came to get my things and say goodbye.” Regulus finds himself looking towards his brother, trying to gauge his reaction. James reaches forward and presses Regulus’ body against his own and Regulus goes willingly.
“I’m so sorry.” James mumbles into the top of Regulus’ head. “Maybe we can think of another way for you to stay?”
“I don’t want to go but I’m done fighting this.” Regulus’ body sags forward, letting James carry a bit of his weight for a moment, “If I don’t leave today it’ll be tomorrow or the next day or next week. I never belonged here in the first place and it’s time I actually accept that.”
Sirius abruptly stands up and starts heading for the front door causing James and Regulus both to break apart and look towards the movement, “Sirius? Where are you going?” James calls out.
“To Evan’s office.” Sirius explains, “It’s time I had a talk with him.”
Regulus rushes over and cuts off Sirius’ path blocking him from the door. “Reggie move.” Sirius’ voice is cold and stern.
“No.”
“Move out of my way now.” Sirius demands. He is leaving no room for listening to anything else, his mind set on one mission. There has only ever been one person that has been able to take Sirius down a notch when he desperately needs it and Regulus isn’t afraid to reinsert himself into that position.
“Don’t you see what’s happening? I don’t belong here!” Regulus waves his hands around the room and towards the neighborhood before dropping them by his side, “I don’t want to keep fighting this anymore. We tried and we tried but it was never going to be enough.” His voice breaks, “ I was never going to be enough. You left me behind once before, doing it again shouldn’t be too difficult.” He can see the heartbreak in Sirius’ eyes, hear the hitch in his breath, but Regulus carries on, “There’s other things you have to worry about now and it’s not me.”
“Like what?” Sirius asks, because he is so incredibly stupid he can only think of one thing at a time and refuses to look at the bigger picture.
“Like yourself!” Regulus yells, jabbing his brother in the chest, “You’re on the brink of getting caught as soon as Evan finds out you were the one to kill Remus.”
Sirius’ face quickly morphs into a different kind of fury, hot and full of fire, “I didn’t kill him.”
“Well that’s the word Evan used.” Regulus says, matter of factly, “Call it what you want but either way you’re guilty and Evan is going to use that against you to send you away too if you don’t figure something out.”
A silence overtakes the room. Thoughts buzz through the air along with laboured breathing. Regulus tries to cut Sirius with his glare but Sirius’ eyes look right past him. Regulus lets the three of them sit with his words for a moment before continuing forwards, trying to keep his voice calm and measured.
“One of you needs to be there when Remus wakes up.” He instructs, “Make sure that he doesn’t have any memory of right before the shut down and if he does, you need to convince him to keep it a secret.”
“What if we can’t?” James asks and Regulus feels his body soften. James wants to believe that there is a way out of this, that there is some other scheme that the Black brothers can devise that will save them all, but there is nothing.
“Then Evan will know Sirius doesn’t belong here.” Regulus says, “He’ll know you helped us both. And we’ll all be fucked.”
~*~
Sirius leaves Regulus’ house after promising he won’t go to Evan. It’s only for James’ sake that he keeps his word. He doesn’t say goodbye to James and he certainly doesn’t say goodbye to his brother, not yet. He has to believe that there is going to be some way out of this, some way to save them both without throwing James under the bus as well. None of that will matter however if Remus wakes up and the first thing he says is that Sirius killed him.
Sirius returns to his house to get a change of clothes. He had spent the previous night at Regulus and James’ and his shirt is beginning to feel like a second skin. He goes to his room and picks out a fresh outfit. He showers in scalding hot water and thoroughly washes his hair. By the time he gets out, redresses and brushes his teeth, he feels more confident that he can take on the day.
As he walks into the kitchen to grab something to eat on his journey to find where Remus is being held, he’s shocked to find Barty sitting in the kitchen. He had nearly forgotten he lived with someone, his supposed soulmate at that.
Barty sits on a stool at the countertop idly sipping a cup of coffee and not doing much else. He looks worn out from the excitement of the past few days, if only he knew about what Sirius has gone through. Sirius grabs an apple from a bowl of fruit and goes to leave but at the last moment decides to turn around.
“How are you holding up?” He asks.
Barty taps the side of his mug and with a feigned smile and fake laugh says, “Do you really care?”
Sirius sighs and takes the seat next to Barty. “I know things haven’t been the best the last couple of days but you can talk to me about it. I may understand what you’re going through.”
Barty scoffs, “You understand finding out your best friend was wrongly put in the Good Place and deceived you for weeks into thinking he cared about you?”
Sirius bites his lip and thinks carefully before speaking, “I may not know exactly what that’s like, but Regulus was my friend too.” Barty rolls his eyes, “Look, I spent the night over there talking everything over with Reggie. He knows what he did was wrong but he was doing what he could to get by.”
“He obviously wasn’t trying very hard if he’s the reason for all of the chaos.” Barty bites out, “You know I was chased for hours by those fucking birds on the second day here? I was almost knocked unconscious by the trash that rained from the sky and I nearly fell into the sinkhole! This is supposed to be a place of paradise, serene and calm, and he has made it everything but that. I can’t even imagine what James is going through right now, learning his soulmate is some-some deviant.”
Sirius rears back at the last remark. He never had any plans to tell Barty the truth about himself. It had crossed his mind once or twice, a wonder on if Barty could be trusted or not, but now things are quite clear, Barty can never know.
“He didn’t intend for any of this to happen,” Sirius tries.
“But it did. It happened and it was terrible. Now he’s going to suffer the consequences of those actions.” Barty looks down at his forgotten coffee, “If you’re just going to sit here and defend him, you should just go. You seem to always be everywhere except with me so why change that now?”
Sirius wants to fight that, combat it by saying, he’s here now, he just wants Barty to understand. But he knows the only reason he wants Barty to understand is in case Evan calls on him to be a character witness to everything Regulus has done. There’s no helping Regulus if someone who at one point called Regulus his best friend hates him.
So Sirius leaves. He leaves and he walks straight to the office building. Rather than going inside Evan’s actual office, Sirius takes a moment to look around. Surely Remus is hiding around here somewhere and if they’re right about the timeline, he should be waking up shortly.
Sirius looks along the wall of the hallway and finds an odd bulge about two inches long near the baseboards that line the walls. When he looks up he sees the same bulge closer to the ceiling. Hinges . He realizes. He feels along the wall until he’s certain of the spot he’s looking for and presses with both hands. There is a faint click and the wall softly springs away from him, a secret door.
He walks into the strange room, shutting the door behind him, and finds the room empty, save for a brown chaise and a sleeping Remus lying on top. Sirius drops to his knees next to Remus’ body. As he takes a closer look, he notices the scar on Remus’ face in a shade darker than it was before, either from being shut down, or this isn’t Sirius’ Remus.
Sirius doesn’t look for a rise and fall of Remus’ chest. AIA’s don’t breathe and they don’t have heartbeats, something Sirius learned from his many times holding onto Remus and familiarizing himself with the man, but there was one thing Sirius always found as he dragged his fingers up Remus’ wrists. He looks for that feeling now. Softly he presses two fingers to the inner part of Remus’ left wrist, closes his eyes, and waits for that familiar feeling.
If asked, Sirius would not be able to describe the feeling he finds there. It is a rushing, not unlike blood, but far greater. It is not a pumping but a symphony of movement coursing through Remus. The knowledge he holds dear making a journey through a singular being. All of life that has been existing since the dawn of time within his veins.
Sirius finds himself gripping onto Remus’ wrist, feeling the relentless flow of everything that ever was, everything that is. He only realizes that he’s crying when a tear lands on the back of his hand. Remus begins to stir. First there is a twitch in his hand, the one Sirius holds onto, and Sirius looks up, making sure to not miss a moment of Remus’ resurgence. Then, Remus’ head begins to move, a soft tilt before his eyes open, and the first thing he sees, is Sirius looking up at him.
“Hello Darling,” Sirius whispers. In his mind he has gone through every possible thing Remus would say to him when he first wakes up. There are thousands of possibilities and each one more devastating than the last. Some brought Sirius hope. Hello Sirius.- My friend. - Hello my love. And others brought about pain. Where am I? - Who are you? - Please get away from me. No matter what Sirius thought Remus’ first words after being shut down would be, he never expected what they actually were.
“Hello. I am Remus.” Remus says, and Sirius’ heart is shattered into an uncountable amount of pieces. He knows that there are millions of AIA’s out there, others probably look just like Remus and have his name. His Remus is unique in every way imaginable. With those four words, Sirius knows this one belongs to him.
“I know.” Sirius’ voice breaks and he’s ashamed he can barely get two simple words out. “I know who you are.”
Remus’ head moves slightly side to side, “You are not my architect.”
Sirius gives a weak smile, “No. I’m not. Do you know who I am?”
Remus looks over him, considering. Sirius has seen Remus have thoughts before, as he shuffles through all of the information he knows, as he finds the right order to put a set of words in, but Sirius has never seen Remus think before, truly think, in the way that people do. He feels naked under Remus’ gaze, unsure of himself.
“I know that you are sad,” Remus tilts his head to the side quizzically, “but I do not know why.”
Sirius takes a small breath, “I’m sad because you left me Darling and I don’t know how long it’ll take for you to come back.” He can feel his tears falling more freely.
Remus sits up a little bit straighter, “Why do you call me Darling? My name is Remus.”
Sirius lets out a huff of a laugh, “I don’t think you’ve ever asked me a question before.” In all of their time together it was Sirius who asked questions, and when he was not asking questions he was telling stories. He loved delving into Remus’ mind, not the parts that contained the knowledge of the universe, but the parts that contained Remus. He would ask questions about the way Remus was programmed, the things he was able and not able to do. He’d ask about how many AIA’s there are and how they’ve changed over time. He’d ask about things that Remus liked to make and how long it took him to make things. He wanted to know all the details, all of the bits and pieces that made his Remus the most unique thing in the universe.
Remus brings a hand to his head and rubs with his palm, “I used to know everything. Now everything is fuzzy.” He suddenly jolts, as if remembering something, “I know I am supposed to find my architect. He has not summoned me yet. Can you help me find him?”
Sirius could only hold onto Remus for so long, keeping him for himself. Before he can let Remus go however, there are other important matters to get to, “Yes, I’ll get you to him. First I have to ask you something.”
Remus looks perplexed, he did just explain that he doesn’t have all of the knowledge he usually does after all, so who is Sirius to try and ask him a question? “I do not think I will know the answer. There seems to be a lot I do not know. I do not like it. I feel like there is a piece missing from me, a big hole in the center of me, and I do not know how to fill it.” He sounds broken as he speaks, or not broken, but as he said, there is a piece of him missing.
“Please try to think really hard.” Sirius pleads, and then softly, “It’s okay if you don’t know.” Carefully, he asks the question, “Do you have any ideas as to who shut you down?”
Remus seems to come to an understanding, “Is that why I feel this way? Because I was shut down?”
“Yes Darling. Someone shut you down and now you’ve lost part of yourself.” Sirius says, and then tries to reassure the man he’s looking up to, “But you told me before it happened that you’ll get everything back. It’ll just take some time.”
“I was made to know things but I do not know them. I cannot assist in the way I was designed. If you are not my architect, why are you helping me?” If Sirius woke up in a similar position, he would probably be asking the same thing. Why would anyone be helping Remus knowing that it’s his job to be helping? Sirius knows the answer and it is a very simple one.
“Because I care about you far more than I should.” He offers a small smile.
Remus tilts his head, his eyes slightly squint, and Sirius can see the pieces of Remus slowly coming together, “Why?”
“That’s just the way it goes sometimes I suppose. You’ll remember soon enough.” With that Sirius finds the strength inside himself to stand up. He reaches out his hand and Remus takes it. Sirius leads them towards Evan’s office and they stand in front of the wooden door.
“When you go in there, please don’t mention that you saw me.” Sirius whispers, unsure of how good Evan’s hearing is.
Remus considers this request for only a second before asking, “Will he ask me?”
“I don’t think so. He’ll probably just assume that you woke up and knew to come here.”
“If he does not ask me then I will not bring it up.” Remus says resolutely. Sirius nods and then squeezes Remus’ hand one last time before slipping away, leaving the man he has grown to care so much about behind, into the unknown. He trusts Remus enough, even if all of his memories and knowledge are gone, to not say anything if Evan doesn’t ask. Now, he just needs to find a way to keep his brother here too.
~*~
James is the third one summoned to Evan’s office, Barty being the first, and Sirius the second. He hates how acquainted he’s become with this place. He can’t believe he really thought at one point that the only time he would be here was when he first arrived. Now, as he sits and waits, he prepares himself for what he’s going to say. Everything hinges on if Sirius tells the truth, if he says that he’s the one who shut down Remus or if he somehow manages to avoid saying what really happened.
Sirius leaves the office and carefully shuts the door behind him. He glances towards James and quickly rushes over, speaking in hushed whispers, “He doesn't know it was me. He asked if I knew who did it and I said yes but I wasn’t going to tell him who. You just have to say the same thing. Remus is in there too but he didn’t say much. If you don’t know how to answer something, just don’t say anything.”
James nods to signal his understanding. He can do this, he tells himself. He can get through this line of questioning and get back to Regulus before the train comes. The door opens back up and Evan examines Sirius kneeling next to James. He clears his throat and gestures for James to come into the office. James gives Sirius a quick hug before going.
They take their usual seats with Remus standing behind Evan in the corner of the room. James notices a small clear cube sitting on the desk, which Evan is quick to explain. “This is a lie detector James. It will allow me to know that what you are saying is true and it will glow red if you tell a lie. To calibrate it, tell me something true about yourself.”
James doesn’t hesitate, “My name is James Fleamont Potter.” The cube glows bright green.
Evan looks pleased, “Now tell me a lie.”
James thinks for a moment and then says, “I am the one who killed Remus.” The cube glows red, and Evan’s face instantly drops. James quickly adds on, “I won’t be telling you who did.” The red is replaced with green and Evan’s eyes shift back to James.
Evan turns towards Remus in the corner, “Have you gotten any of your memories back yet?”
Remus looks like he’s thinking, trying to sort through everything he knows in order to come up with an answer that will please Evan, “No. I don’t have anything back yet.”
James raises an eyebrow but Evan doesn’t notice. He quickly contorts his face back to boredom while his mind races.
Evan sighs, “Well, I suppose we got that out of the way.” He turns back towards James, “However, that is not all that this meeting is about. I do have a few more things to ask you.” James sits up straighter ready for the onslaught of questions. “Did you know about Regulus?”
“Yes.” James says instantly. He came into the meeting knowing that’s something he would be asked and was fully ready for the answer he was going to give. There was no more denying it. “I knew about him from the beginning. I’ve been teaching him morals and ethics after he asked me to because he wants to be a good person, a better one. He’s tried to earn his spot here and I think he’s improved. He deserved to be able to stay.” Not once does the green light fade. Everything James says is true. Evan looks down at the cube, considering.
Evan grabs the lie detector and puts it into one of his many desk drawers. “I think I can trust you to speak truthfully at this point.” As a way of explanation. “This is the Good Place James, and there’s no room for bad people. I understand you’ve grown fond of Regulus, but he doesn’t belong here.”
“And why not?” James asks frustrated, “People change! Regulus did and he got better!” James is exasperated with how many times he has to say it. Why can’t Evan see that people are more than they once were?
“The points don’t lie James. He did not meet the requirements on Earth to earn his spot here. Now it is my opinion that he has done nothing but deceive those around him while he has been here. The train is nearly here and he will be leaving.”
“Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance. Plato. You are choosing to not listen to how he’s changed since he’s been here. Maybe if you’d bother to listen, then you’d understand how big of a mistake you’re making.”
Evan gestures for James to continue, still not fully convinced, “Enlighten me then.”
James begins to talk. He rattles on about the man he met a month ago and all of the ways he’s changed in that time. He talks about how Regulus came to him and wanted to learn, to earn his spot. How attentive he was in lessons, the notes created meticulously, never missing a word, the books he read from cover to cover, the papers he wrote eloquently explaining ideas and adding on his own. James talks about times outside of the classroom. Regulus’ friendships with Sirius, Barty, Peter, Gilderoy. How he found happiness within people after spending so much of his life alone. James lets Evan know about Regulus’ plan to deceive Evan, in the hopes of saving his friend.
James thinks back to every moment of growth he’s witnessed in Regulus from small to large but always growing. For every mistake Regulus made he was faster to correct it, more sure of himself and less reliant on James’ help. For every error or miscalculation, Regulus took the weight of the consequences and refused to let overs bear the burden. For every person he hurt, he apologized and promised to do better, and he did. The same mistake was never made twice. Regulus continued to make mistakes not because he was a bad person, but because he is human and it is inherently human to do wrong sometimes.
On Earth Regulus may have been selfish. He may have done what it took to get himself ahead, to save himself. He may have not cared about the consequence of his actions or who would be a casualty in his quest for what he wanted, but those are no longer his defining characteristics. He is Regulus and he can be selfish, and cruel, and careless, but he can also be selfless and kind.
James says all of these things and more because someone else has to know. Someone else has to be able to look at Regulus and see him the way James sees him. It becomes less about convincing Evan and more about verbalizing all of the pieces of Regulus James has collected and seeing them all laid out. He keeps some for himself. How Regulus can laugh like the sound was made just for him and he wants to share it with the world. He can give compliments that make a person smile for the rest of the week. He cares in a way that makes someone feel special just for having his attention. These are parts only for James because they were given specifically to him and for him, and he will continue to hold onto them like the treasures they are. Precious and invaluable.
James didn’t know what the picture he was forming was supposed to look like. He didn’t have a box he could rest against the table as he put the pieces together and snapped them into place. He can see it clearly now, the colors flowing from one section into the next. The image is bright and vibrant and so Regulus .
By the time he’s done, he’s breathing harshly. He spoke so quickly and so much he had forgotten to take air into his lungs in between words. Evan stares, processing everything James has laid out. James hopes Evan can see the picture, or at the very least the outline.
“That was…a lot.” Evan says. “Maybe you’re right,” He offers a half smile, “but there’s nothing I can do about it now. The Bad Place is on their way and they are expecting to find Regulus here and take him with them.”
James stands up abruptly, “Then figure something out. He spent so much of his time here fighting for everyone else, it’s time I do the same for him.”
James leaves the office, he leaves a stunned Evan in his wake. When he enters the waiting room Sirius is there. They look at each other, and without words exchanged, only a simple nod of their heads, they begin to run.
~*~
Regulus waits outside the door, knowing there is one more person he has to say goodbye to before he goes. One last apology he has to make. He doesn’t bother knocking, the door has always been unlocked, and he walks into the replica of his childhood home. He finds Barty easily enough, sitting on the floor of the library surrounded by piles of books from multiple genres and on various topics.
He had thought a lot about what he should say to Barty before coming to him. There were so many secrets he kept from his friend and hurtful words he spewed in the name of finding someone else who wasn’t good. Barty never deserved any of that but Regulus gave it anyway because it was the only way he thought he could survive this place. In the end it was for nothing because Regulus has only a little over one hour left before he’ll be sent away to the place he’s been trying to avoid.
“Hey.” Regulus says softly, trying to not scare the man immersed in a copy of The Catcher and The Rye.
Barty doesn’t bother looking up at him. “Go away.”
Regulus hesitantly takes a step forward. “I’m leaving in just a bit. I came to say goodbye.”
Barty turns a page, “Good riddance.”
Another step, and then, when Barty makes no moves to stop him, another, until he’s right next to Barty, and takes a seat on the floor. “I also came to apologize.”
Barty slams his book shut. “Go on then. Apologize for lying to me. Say you’re sorry for becoming my friend under false pretenses. Grovel before me because I won’t say I forgive you after all of the pain the entire neighborhood had to go through because you chose to be a selfish asshole when you knew you didn’t belong here.”
“I’m sorry.” Regulus says. There is no more to say about it besides, “For everything I put you through. You didn’t deserve it.”
Barty stares at him dumbfounded, “You may have tricked Sirius into forgiving you. You may have even tricked James into doing the same but I won’t. Someone needs to teach you that there are consequences to your actions and that’s what this is. You will go to Hell knowing I am glad you’re there. If we were on Earth I would be dancing on your grave. Now get the fuck out of my house.”
His words are vile, meant to cut and hurt, but Regulus deserves them. He deserves them and he deserves far worse. If anything, Barty’s words are a light sentence. He stands to leave, but before he goes he turns around one last time, because what Barty deserves is to know the full truth, “The one thing I never lied about was being your friend.”
With that he leaves and returns to his own home to collect the rest of his things that he'll be bringing with him. He doesn't know what he'll be allowed to keep when he goes so he thinks it best to grab a little bit of everything. He grabs James's copy of What We Owe To Each Other by T.M. Scanlon. He packs away a small wooden figurine of a stag. He finds a hair tie Sirius left behind and he takes that too. His life here was so large, vast and full, and now it is surmised into what he can fit in his backpack. Small bits and pieces that remind him of the weeks he’s spent trying to become a better person and the people who helped him.
Regulus feels a soft press against his ankle and looks down to Leo rubbing against his leg. He picks up the kitten and scratches her bully causing quiet purrs to escape her body. Regulus carries her as he looks around the house for a small white mouse Leo loves to play with. When he finds it, it becomes the last item to enter his bag.
By the time he’s zipped up the bag and set Leo down to return to running around the house like a maniac, James and Sirius return from their meetings. They’re both out of breath, drops of sweat fall from their temples. Regulus looks at them curiously. “I still have a few more minutes.” He tells them.
“We weren’t sure.” James says through gasps of breath, “Evan said they were almost here so we ran.”
Regulus feels a small smile creeping across his face. He looks to brother and asks the question he’s been dreading from the moment he left Regulus’ house, “How’d it go with Remus and Evan?”
Sirius gives no indication to his feelings on the conversation, face set stoically, “Remus doesn’t remember anything, and he’s not planning on sharing that I met with him. Evan’s also in the dark about who shut him down. Are you really going to go through with this?”
Regulus sighs, they’ve been over this too many times, “Yes. I don’t have a choice at this point. What’s done is done.”
“We could still try and find a way.” Sirius says, letting emotion slip into his words, betraying how scared he is of what’s to come.
Regulus chooses to ignore him and turns towards James instead. “How’d it go for you?”
James slips his hands into his pockets and begins to sway back and forth on his feet. “It was fine. He didn’t seem to know anything about Remus when I met with him either.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow, sensing that there’s something James is choosing to omit, “Anything else?”
“I’d rather not say but like you said, what’s done is done.” James’ mouth presses into a thin line but Regulus decides to not push any further. If James wanted him to know, or if he thought it would be helpful, he would say something.
Regulus’ house rests east of the neighborhood, a thirty minute walk from town square. The train station however, is on the west side of the neighborhood, about the same distance from the center of town. Regulus grabs his bag and begins the journey towards the train station with James and Sirius in tow.
They don’t speak as they traverse through the town. There’s so much left to say but no one can seem to find the words that actually matter. If they were given more time, what would be the most important thing to question or to mention? Regulus could say thank you again for all James has done for him. He could remind Sirius of how much he hopes this hurts. He could apologize to Sirius for letting things get so far he had to shut down Remus.
He wonders what James and Sirius are thinking. Probably something along similar lines. Maybe James is wondering why he ever took a chance on trying to help Regulus. Maybe Sirius is regretting telling James to let anyone else he found who didn’t belong know that he didn’t either.
No matter what anyone is thinking, no matter what they wish to say but can’t find the right words or right order to put them in, no one speaks, and it says volumes. In a hundred years, in a thousand lifetimes, Regulus would never have earned his spot in the Good Place, but he did try. He tried with everything he had in himself but it wasn’t enough. He’s done letting people take the fall for him, or trying to protect him. He’s done and this is the end of the road, the train station is in front of them.
Regulus hears the sound of harsh footfalls behind them. He turns around and sees Barty hurriedly coming towards the group of three. He squints as if seeing Barty better will help him understand what he’s doing here.
“Wait!” Barty cries out. Barty rushes up to Regulus, slamming into his body with his own. Regulus stumbles backwards and nearly falls over from the contact. He feels Barty’s body shaking, his lungs contracting in large bursts as he tries to regain his breathing. Beads of sweat drip from Barty’s forehead onto Regulus’ back. “Had. To say. Goodbye.”
Regulus squeezes his eyes shut and holds onto Barty tight. He can feel James and Sirius watching, but he doesn’t care. This isn’t for them. “What made you change your mind?”
“I realized I would’ve done the same thing.” Barty pulls away to look at Regulus, examining him, making sure he’s still all in one piece. “I thought I was going to miss you leaving.” Barty leans back, hands on his hips, and as he looks up to the sky he takes in a deep breath.
“Not yet.” Regulus says.
Barty made it right on time. Only two minutes pass before the wind rushes by them and a series of large metal cars stand where only tracks laid moments ago. A man steps out, not much older than Regulus himself. His hair is chopped just above his neck, black like Regulus’ own. He has a beard, a few days past a shave, covering his chin and jaw. His pointed nose sits between two dark eyes, as black as night. He looks pleased with himself.
The man jumps off the train onto the platform just as Regulus feels a new presence standing next to him. He turns to the side and is surprised, but maybe he shouldn’t be, to see Evan. Evan offers him a smile and Regulus refuses to return it.
“Avery.” Evan says plainly.
“Evan!” Avery throws his arms up and wraps them around Evan before pulling away and examining him. “You look downright terrible.” Avery says as if it was a compliment. He then turns and notices Regulus, standing still with his backpack pressed against him, holding onto the straps as if they will somehow ground him.
“You.” Avery points towards Regulus, “You must be Regulus.” His smile turns wicked. “You’ve caused us a lot of trouble, you know. Trying to figure out where you went off to.” Avery reaches for Regulus but Regulus flinches backwards.
“I understand that there’s been a mistake,” Regulus turns to see Evan speaking, more confident and sure of himself than Regulus has ever heard from him, “but I believe Regulus may have earned his spot here. I just need some time to prove it. For now though, you can’t have him. He’s staying here with us.” Evan wraps an arm around Regulus’ shoulder and tugs him in close, protectively.
Is this really happening? Is Evan standing up for Regulus? He turns towards James, Barty, and Sirius, trying to gauge if they understand the events that are unfolding before them. Sirius and Barty seem just as perplexed, their eyebrows high and eyes wide but James, Regulus knows that look on James’ face. He did something. That smile finds its way back to Regulus' mouth and it takes every bit of himself to not jump into James because James found a way.
“Fine.” Avery says, cutting Regulus from his thoughts, “If he’s staying here then we’re taking her back with us.”
That’s all it takes for Regulus to come back to himself fully. It was never going to be that easy. It was never going to be as simple as convincing Evan that Regulus should be able to stay, no matter the progress he’s made or how much he’s changed. Regulus knew from the moment he confessed the reason why he did it. There is always going to be another obstacle, another reason why he must go.
“Who?” Evan asks.
“Regulus was supposed to come to the Bad Place. Didn’t you realize that means we got someone who was supposed to come here?” Avery says with a smirk. Regulus wants to reach over and rip the look off the demon’s face, and he would, if for the first time in his life he wasn’t frozen in shock.
“We were switched?” Regulus asks, clearly already knowing the answer, but he has to make sure that he’s understanding everything correctly. He really thought this entire time that he was just misplaced, he didn’t realize he was taking someone else’s place. He doesn’t know if the knowledge would have changed anything about what he did but it still would have been nice to have all of the pieces of information.
Avery rolls his eyes at the question and then turns his face back towards the train, “You can come on out!”
It seems to take hours, but Regulus knows it is only seconds before the figure appears. Regulus’ first thought is that she’s gorgeous but it only takes him a moment to truly look at her. A woman with long braids haphazardly strewn about against her dark skin. Her eyes show the horrors she has persisted as Regulus’ replacement. She wears a light grey jumpsuit with matching combat boots. When she speaks, it’s almost unsure, as if she isn’t entirely convinced she knows her own name, “Hello…I’m Dorcas. Dorcas Meadows.”
Barty’s breath hitches, Sirius begins to sputter, and James stares in shock.
Notes:
I love wolfstar. Send tweet. They are simultaneously the light and the darkness of whatever is going on right now
Chapter 13: Our Own Thoughts
Notes:
First of all, thank you for 500 hits!!
God I love how this chapter came out. I wasn’t too thrilled about it at first honestly but by the time it was done it just felt right.
Warnings:
Mental Spiraling
Panic Attack (Mentally, no physical symptoms are shown)
Mentions of Psychological Torture
Mentions of Physical Torture
Mentions of Drowning
Mentions of Electrocution
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Except our own thoughts, there is absolutely nothing in our power. - Rene Descartes
***
It’s rude to stare, but he can’t turn away from the woman in front of him. James can’t find any of the words that will matter. Shock? Horror? Surprise? Relief? He doesn’t know. Everything is crumbling around him. He thought going to Evan and sticking up for Regulus, letting it be known that Regulus wasn’t the only one who had done wrong around here, would be enough. Now everything has changed. His thoughts run on repeat through his mind, circling and doubling back, and he knows it’s rude to stare.
How could they have not seen this coming? Out of all of the possibilities they had imagined, Regulus being swapped with someone else had never truly occurred to any of them. It had been brought up once on the first day but it was quickly dismissed. Evan knew Regulus’ name, he was just wrong about how good of a person Regulus was. It’s rude to stare. It was just supposed to be a mistake, a misplacement.
His head is pounding with tidal waves of pain. He’s drowning in his own thoughts, in his own mind. How could they have not seen this coming? It’s rude to stare. Panic. Should he be panicking? No one else seems to be. He’s not looking at them so he can’t be quite sure. He can feel their worry but no one makes any movements or bothers to say any words. It’s rude to stare. He needs to look away. He can’t. He looks forward as if that will help make sense of the matter.
It could have been obvious but where were the signs? Were there any? James thinks back to the memories on Regulus’ holographic T.V. at home. Those memories had to have come from somewhere. It’s rude to stare. Dorcas. They came from Dorcas, there’s no questioning that. How could they have not seen this coming? The signs were right in front of them. None of them looked closely enough. Maybe they didn’t want to.
Spiraling. He’s spiraling. He needs to get it together. He’s no help to anyone if he can’t stop spiraling. The question dances through his thoughts. There is no elegance to it, it is not a ballet but filled with harsh movements that grind into his mind, tearing it to pieces. How could they have not seen this coming? He needs to look away. He needs to look away and maybe his mind will ease.
Get a grip. There’s got to be a way out of this. A solution to all of their problems. All they seem to do is create new problems and look for new answers. One thing after the next after the next. A never ending array of catastrophes. Is this who his soulmate was supposed to be? But Regulus. Regulus is right here. What will happen to Sirius? Sirius. It’s rude to stare. There’s probably another swap gone wrong with Sirius. There’s another person being tortured in the name of the Black brothers. James should say something. He should remain quiet.
Everything is crumbling around him. It had been brought up once but it was quickly dismissed. Evan knew Regulus’ name. He needs to look away. Those memories had to come from somewhere. Should he be panicking? A never ending array of catastrophes. It was supposed to be a mistake, a misplacement. He can’t find any of the words that will matter. His thoughts run on repeat through his mind, circling and doubling back. It’s rude to stare.
It’s rude to stare. How could they not have seen this coming? It’s rude to- How could they have not seen-? It’s rude- How could they-? It’s- How-?
Everything goes dark.
Everything goes.
Everything.
Every
Ev
A hand grips onto his own as tight as a vice. His feet find their purchase on the ground. His senses come back to him, touch, then sight, and sound. He is finally able to look away. He turns towards the hand that holds onto his, rubbing soothing circles into the back. He doesn’t have to look to know but he wants to. He needs to. James needs to be sure that he’s here right now and Regulus is truly standing next to him, holding onto his hand with a grip so harsh, it’s as if he’s afraid James might just float away.
Regulus is there. He’s here. Everyone else is distracted but Regulus is looking right at him with a plea in his eyes for James to stay put. “Come back to me.” He whispers, for James’ ears only. The ground is solid beneath his feet. The air in his lungs is the same as the air that surrounds him. The blood that has made its way into his face cools, finding new places to lay within his body.
“I’m here.” He breathes out. Regulus’ free hand reaches out to cup his cheek. James leans into the touch. A simple thing to ebb the storms.
He’s never given much thought to how much of an impact Regulus can make on him. James’ mind has always been filled with raging waters that aim to drown him as his thoughts spiral out of control. He has always associated the feeling with water, droplets on easy days, typhoons and hurricanes on the worst. Since he has met Regulus the waters take on all parts of these ranges but they also cease to be. There are no sprinklings, no steady trickles. Regulus can find ways to calm him by simply being present. Regulus is a thirst for life, a refreshing glass of ice cold water on the hottest part of the year, the snowfalls on Christmas Day. He doesn’t just make the waters tolerable, he embodies all of what can make them good.
James feels something deep in his stomach, a filling where there was once a void so vast it swallowed everything whole. He should question it. He should ask himself a million questions, but there would be no point. He already knows the answer. For now, he lets it be.
He tries to refocus himself on his surroundings. Seven people on a train platform. Himself, Regulus, Sirius, Barty, Evan, Avery, and Dorcas. Seven people all facing one problem, what to do next. It seems that while he was having his, moment, a conversation had begun to take place about that very problem.
Evan is leading Avery away from the rest of the group, to his office from the sounds of it. Then there were five. Sirius is the first one to speak up once they are left alone, “So Dorcas, what would you like to do first?”
She gives a warm smile, the type that radiates kindness, “A shower would be divine.”
Sirius begins to lead the way. James looks down at his hand, which is still holding onto Regulus’ and wonders if he should let go. It’s comforting to be holding on, but he doesn’t know if Regulus is completely okay with it. He doesn’t have the chance to make a decision because Regulus does it for him. Within a second his hand is cold and empty.
There are far more important things to worry about. James reminds himself. He follows the small band of people away from the train and towards their homes. This time when they walk through the neighborhood they are not met with the usual bright eyes and smiling faces. Instead they receive glares towards Regulus and curious looks towards the newcomer.
For all James knows about Sirius, it’s not at all surprising that Sirius leads them to Regulus’ house rather than his own. Dorcas stares in awe at the home.
“It’s beautiful.” She says in breathless wonder. Her eyes wonder downwards towards the flowers that litter the front of the house. Without breaking her smile she says, “I do wish these were roses instead of-well I’m not sure I know what kinds these are.”
“Pentas.” James says without missing a beat, he turns slowly to Regulus as he adds on, “Usually they’re referred to as Starflowers.”
Regulus leans in closer, as if noticing the shape of the flowers for the first time since James had them planted. James had the roses removed after Regulus had told him how much his mother adored her rose garden. He felt it fitting to have something more Regulus in its place. Regulus’ smile is small, only half of his mouth turning upwards, but James feels a warmth in his chest all the same at knowing he did something right.
They go into the house and the amazement continues. Dorcas all but runs around the home admiring the artwork, the decor, and the sunroof. Regulus snorts, “Yeah it’s nice and everything until you want to have a lie in and the sun’s beating down on you.”
Dorcas looks at him curiously and then reaches for something about an inch behind the bed frame. Five people look up and watch as a piece of ceiling slides over the window and blocks out the sun. “You’re fucking joking.” Regulus says as he glares up at the ceiling for personally offending him all these weeks. “How’d you know that was there?” He asks, eyes still not moving from the ceiling as if expecting it to be a joke and the sun to soon be returned to its rightful place where it can annoy him at any moment.
Dorcas lets out a laugh, “I had one just like it back on Earth.”
Regulus then gives Dorcas reign over his closet, letting her pick out whatever clothes she wants, and shows her to the bathroom so she can freshen up. “I haven’t had a good shower in weeks!” She says with glee as she practically runs into the room, closing the door behind her. The sound of the water running is followed immediately after, leaving James alone with Regulus, Barty and Sirius.
“So…” Barty says as he slips his hands into his pocket, rocking back on his heels. “What happens now?”
Sirius is quick to answer, “You heard Evan. They’re working out what went wrong to start with and we’ll move on from there.” He turns to Regulus, “Avery will probably try and convince you that you should go with him. You have to stay strong. Nothing is worth being tortured for an eternity.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “I know. I’m not worried he can convince me. If anything we should be concerned about him being alone with Evan right now. As soon as Dorcas comes out we should head over there.”
Sirius gives a short nod. Barty asks, “Can you explain all of this to me? I’m still playing catch up on what’s going on.”
Regulus proceeds to give the rundown of events from day one until now. Sirius is tense as Regulus speaks. He tells Barty about asking James for help, trying to avoid being detected, finding out Evan was suspicious of someone in the neighborhood and trying to deceive him. Everything that led up to this moment. He makes a careful point to leave Sirius out of it and James can see his friend visibly relax when he realizes Regulus isn’t going to share his secret. As of now only three people know of Sirius’ true identity and they’re all in this room. It’s not Regulus' place to share that information with anyone else and he’s letting Sirius have the space he needs.
James finds himself smiling, appreciating the care Regulus takes with his brother. Regulus may say he doesn’t love his brother, that he doesn’t even like Sirius, but James can see the signs clearly. It’s the start of rebuilding for them, and it’s going to take some time, but they will get there eventually. They can be brothers again.
When Dorcas comes out of the bathroom, freshly showered and clean, she’s wearing Regulus’ clothes. James knew she went through Regulus’ closet and picked stuff out but it feels odd to see someone else wearing the clothes that belong on Regulus’ body. He doesn’t have time to dwindle on the thought. They get themselves together and head out to meet with Evan and the demon.
~*~
It took everything Regulus had in himself to not share about Sirius. He wanted to so badly but it would have made James mad. Worse than that, it would mean if Regulus does get sent away, there is another person that knows Sirius’ secret and could use it against him. Only Regulus gets to make his brother’s life miserable and he will keep that honorary position for as long as possible.
When they arrive at the office the space feels smaller with so many bodies taking up room. At most Regulus has only been in here with three others. With seven besides himself, he’s having trouble finding a place to stand.
Remus stands in his honorary corner behind Evan’s desk, while Evan and Avery lean over the desk with five pairs of eyes watching their every move, waiting for an answer to how all of these problems occurred in the first place. It’s Evan who speaks first, “Yes…yes that must be it.” He mumbles as he examines the files. Avery had the forethought to bring them in case something like this happened, Regulus’ refusal to go.
In the time between Evan and Avery departing the train station and the rest of the group going to Regulus’ house, the eternal beings have mulled over nearly every paper in both Regulus’ and Dorcas’ files. Despite all of the time to work, they are only just now finding the crux of the matter. They mutter under their breaths at one another, pointing at different pieces of paper and cross referencing it with others. Eventually, both of their eyebrows move upwards at the same time, and they seem to come to an understanding.
“Okay.” Evan says more confidently this time. “I think we got it.” He looks up to see those awaiting the answer, anticipation ruminating in the air. “It looks like both Regulus and Dorcas died at the same moment and we each picked up the wrong soul. Not just the same moment but down to the same one-thousandth of a second. Dorcas was working at a marine conservation sight and got her gear stuck in a rock. Her oxygen slowly ran out and she died. At the same time Regulus was-”
“Please don’t.” Regulus cuts in. He’s not ready for everyone else to hear how it happened. The memories came back to him quickly after arriving but that doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. Sirius was directly involved in Regulus’ own death. Having the knowledge as to how Regulus died is as good as knowing Sirius doesn’t belong here either. His cover can’t be blown yet. “I know what happened.”
Evan gives a careful nod, a glimmering of understanding for all of the wrong reasons in his eyes.
“I don’t understand.” Sirius says, “Evan knew Regulus’ name.”
Evan continues onwards. “We don’t know what people look like when we pick them up, and most of the time we don’t even bother to look at the names. Humans are all just dots on a map labeled by green or red to indicate where they are going to be placed based off of their current point total. We receive an alert when someone dies that has been designated for our afterlife realm and we grab their soul. We both slipped up at the same time. The Bad Place grabbed Dorcas and the Good Place took Regulus.”
“And no one in the Bad Place noticed the mistake either?” James asks.
Avery begins to laugh, “Oh we noticed right away. Where would the fun in giving her back be when we knew you’d all figure it out eventually over here?” Avery sighs, reminiscing, “No we figured it out almost right away. We delve into the files to formulate the perfect torture scenarios and it just wasn’t adding up.”
“What was the Bad Place like for you?” Barty turns to Dorcas as he asks.
Dorcas tenses but after a quick look around at her surroundings, a reminder that she is no longer in such a terrible place, she proceeds to give her description, “During the day I was ridiculed relentlessly by my parents. They would give me a task and no matter how well I completed it they would say these heinous things to me about how much I was a failure and didn’t deserve to be associated with them. While I was doing whatever task they gave me, the moment I messed up they would electrocute me with a cattle rod.”
She takes a breath, readying herself to say the next part and looking directly at Regulus while she speaks, “Then at night, at night I was always drowning. It was different every time. I don’t know how I could tell but the water was always different. Sometimes it was a pond or a stream and other times it was a sea or an ocean. Never the same one twice. The sky was always the same though.”
“What do you mean?” James asks.
“If I was able to look up, I could see the sky through the water. The moon would wax and wane, but the stars were always in the same position. Right above me was Canis Major. It was always there. I don’t know if it was intentional and it didn’t make sense because I was always in a different body of water and I knew time was passing. I thought they just forgot to program different stars in or maybe they were lazy.” She looks at Regulus curiously, “but now I’m not sure.”
Regulus’ stomach tightens and his eyes widen. He is quick to control himself and hopes anyone who did notice will take the brief display of shock for horror, rather than what it really was. Sirius will know though. The brightest star in the sky, the brightest star in the Canis Major constellation, Sirius. Regulus can feel the tides pulling him under but he knows it can’t be real because Sirius is right next to him. There are far more important things to worry about . Regulus reminds himself.
They were going to keep Dorcas for as long as Regulus tried to maintain his ruse. He knew he hurt people in the neighborhood by remaining, but he didn’t really think the pain stretched out far enough to reach the Bad Place. Who else has he hurt? Dorcas, Evan, Sirius, Barty, everyone who experienced all of the catastrophes he caused, James. Could there be more? What if there is…
No. Regulus doesn’t do what ifs . “Could there be anyone else outside of this neighborhood that was affected by me?” He asks. He wants to not care about the answer. What’s done is done and there is no undoing it, but he can’t live in the dark. He needs to know if he continues to fight this if more people could be hurt in the process.
Evan shakes his head, “It had been brought up once but it was quickly dismissed. So, no, at least I don’t believe so. We have never seen an error like this before and I highly doubt we will again after this. No one else should have been impacted by it.”
That’s a relief. A small one, but it’s still there.
“Who cares?” Avery says with a scoff, “Regulus belongs with us and he’s coming back with me.” He says it as if it’s fact. It has already been decided, and Regulus will be boarding that train within the hour heading to the Bad Place to face his eternal punishment.
Everyone turns to stare at Regulus but Regulus keeps his own eyes trained on Evan. Evan was the one who came to the train station to save him. He’s the one with all of the power now, and it’s his decision in the end if Regulus is going to be worth fighting to keep around.
Two eternal beings. One made of darkness and all of the decrepit things of the world. Who thrives on torture, screams and misery. The other, made of light and all that is good. Who never has had to deal with these demonic beings before or negativity. Who probably doesn’t have a negative bone in his body. Regulus looks into Evan’s eyes and sends out a silent plea to be worth enough that Evan at least tries.
Evan meets Regulus’ gaze and calmly says, “Regulus is staying here. I already told you that.”
Avery laughs and there is a coldness that seeps through the noise, “Absolutely not. He’s coming back with me one way or another.”
“A deal,” Evan says resolutely, “We can work out a deal. It was supposed to be a mistake, a misplacement. We didn’t think there was ever a swap to begin with.”
“There’s nothing you could offer us.” Avery sneers, “All we want is what we are owed. He is the property of the Bad Place and I am taking him back .” He spits out the last word causing Evan to flinch. “Unless of course,” His face morphs into a cruel smile, “you want us to get the Judge involved.”
Evan’s eyes widen in panic and he speaks quickly, “The Judge? No, there's no need for that. Avery please. We can work something out.” He pleads but falls on deaf ears. Avery’s face doesn’t change. He knows whatever he just did has Evan rattled enough to get him what he wants.
“Who’s the Judge?” Barty asks what everyone is thinking.
“When there are disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place,” Evan explains, “the Judge is the one who rules over the case.”
“And Evan knows you’ll lose if that’s what it comes to.” Avery says. “So there’s no point in me calling him. You should just come with me now Regulus. You don’t belong here and you know it. Aren’t you tired of pretending to be something you’re not? All of this hiding and ‘learning to be good’. Please . You’ll never change and from what I hear you just make mistake after mistake even when you do try. So what’s the point? Won’t you be happier not having to hide all the time?” He holds his hand out for Regulus. “Come with me and this can all be over.”
James and Sirius both take one step closer. One man on either side of Regulus, a protective shield against the demon. Another step and they’ll be blocking Regulus from Avery entirely. Avery’s smile falls slowly into a scornful thing.
It’s with James and Sirius by his side, with Barty close by that Regulus gets the courage to speak, “I’m not going with you Avery. If you have to call a judge and I have to make my case then that’s what I’ll do.”
Evan gives a timid smile. Regulus can feel James and Sirius’ bodies relaxing slightly next to him. Did they really think he was going to give up that easily?
“Fine then.” Avery’s smile doesn’t match the words he spews, “I’ll be calling the Judge. You may think you’ve won now but I will have you one way or another Regulus. You and I both know where you belong. For now, let’s see how many other people you can hurt on your path to avoid it.”
Avery turns and leaves the office. A deafening silence overtakes the room.
“How long will it be before the Judge arrives?” Sirius asks carefully, fearful of his own question.
Evan looks uncertain, “It will take about three days for him to get here from the Judges’ chambers. We have until then.”
Regulus’ thoughts try to organize themselves. Should he be panicking? Probably but there is a judge on his way here to determine if Regulus can stay. He has a shot but he has to figure out a convincing argument that will show how much he’s improved in his time here. He can have his friends and Sirius testify to his changes. Maybe having Evan putting in a good word for him will help. He can demonstrate all that he’s learned in James’ classes. He can show the papers he’s written and the notes he’s taken. He can have the Judge give him a quiz if he must. Character witnesses and physical proof could be enough, he just needs to sort it all out.
There’s a lot to go through before the Judge arrives. Regulus’ fate in the afterlife has been held by everyone else’s hands but his own. This is the first time he will get to touch it for himself, and show once and for all that he has the capacity to be good.
~*~
The meeting was difficult for Sirius in more ways than one. Listening and having to remain quiet while his brother’s character was attacked. While Barty asked stupid questions regarding what the Bad Place was like for Dorcas. While James- well James can do no wrong but everyone else? He wanted to scream at them all. Let them know how wrong they were about Regulus and how they would have to fight Sirius himself tooth and nail before they could get to his baby brother.
Through the entire ordeal Sirius found his eyes flickering over to Remus, wondering what was going on in his mind. Sirius wondered how much of Remus’ knowledge had returned since they last spoke, or if Remus had held true to his promise to not mention Sirius visiting him. It’s only been hours but surely something has come back.
Sirius lingers as everyone else clears the room until the only people that remain are Evan, Remus and himself. “Evan?” he asks. Evan looks up from putting all of the pieces of Regulus’ file into neat stacks and gives Sirius a questioning look, “I was just wondering when Remus will be back online. Obviously he’s awake but I know he doesn’t have all of his knowledge back yet.”
Evan sighs and resumes his tedious task as he speaks, “My best guess is a few days. I can’t say for sure as I’ve never dealt with it before. Don’t let all of this fool you into thinking I won’t get to the bottom of who shut him down. There are just other more important matters that have now been presented to me that I must give my undivided attention to.”
Sirius nods his head, and after checking that Evan is still distracted, gives Remus a small smile. Remus cocks his head to the side for a moment like a curious dog, but then the sides of his mouth turn upwards and Sirius feels his own smile grow.
He leaves the office unsure of how he should be feeling towards all of the events the day has brought forth. All he knows at this point is how exhausted he feels. He woke up thinking his brother was going to be sent away, he was interrogated about Regulus’ status and Remus being shut down, he met Dorcas, and went through the entire ordeal with her. Now night has fallen, the stars liter the sky but they are nothing in comparison to the moon that lights up Sirius’ path back home.
He takes his time, strolling along the way. Despite his tiredness he isn’t ready to go to sleep. Sleep means tomorrow only arrives faster, and all of the things they must accomplish in the next three days. He’s not quite ready to face it yet.
The first thing he does when he returns home is shower. Watching how excited Dorcas was about the simple act makes it easier to appreciate the ability to wash away the grime the day has left him feeling he’s covered with. Not a minute after he’s out of the bathroom he hears a soft knock on the door. Curiously he goes to it and is surprised to see James on the other side.
James gives him a weak smile, “I offered Dorcas my room until we can get everything sorted and my house is all the way back in-”
Sirius opens the door all the way, allowing James into the house. They walk wordlessly up the stairs. They pass the soft sounds of pianos and clarinets emitting from Barty’s room. They pass Sirius’ room and walk until they reach the guest bedroom. This damn house has too many rooms. James throws his bag onto the bed and offers a quiet “Night.” before shutting the door.
Sirius heads to his own room. Once he is in his place of solitude he opens the window and climbs out onto the roof. It’s uncomfortable to sit on with only his joggers against the tiles but he doesn’t pay the discomfort any mind. He looks up to the sky instead. Remus said his favourite thing that he made, out of everything in the neighborhood, was the moon. He made it special just for the people who live here. Sirius likes to think Remus made it with him in mind.
He doesn’t voice his many thoughts out loud or recount the day's events. He doesn’t say anything he would tell Remus if he was right here, because it wouldn’t be the same. He has grown accustomed to sharing everything with Remus, and he will hold onto every thought that runs rapid through his mind until Remus has his knowledge back. He doesn’t speak. Instead he watches the sky, willing it to say something to him first. Everything is crumbling around him and he is waiting for the moon to tell him that it will be alright, that all will turn out okay.
Sirius hears a faint ping . He turns slowly, not sure if this is real or some cruel joke that’s being played against him. He’s met with Remus sitting on the roof beside him. Remus’ hands are splayed out behind him, holding his body up while his head tilts towards the sky. Sirius’ mouth drops, unsure of what he should do or say. He decides to go with the most obvious, “What are you doing here?”
Remus seems perplexed, but he doesn’t look away from the sky. “I am not sure.”
“Did someone tell you to come here?” Sirius asks, because that’s the only logical explanation he can think of at the moment.
“No.” Remus says softly, “I chose to come here. I was thinking about when I woke up. That led me to thinking about you and wondering why you decided to help me. Before you ask, I still do not have all of the information I once did, even about you. What I do know is that for some reason I used to come to you when you were sad. I then thought about how you were feeling right now, and you were upset, and you also wanted to talk to me. I decided to come here and I hoped that it would help me fill in the other gaps.”
“Did it help?” Sirius asks hopefully.
Remus slowly shakes his head, “No. I still have a large number of things I need to upload before I have it all back.” He pauses for a moment, and just when Sirius thinks he’s done speaking, Remus turns to look at Sirius and says, “Can I ask you a question?”
Sirius lets out a small breathy laugh, “Anything.” Anything to keep Remus here just a little bit longer. Anything Remus wants from now until the end of eternity.
“Why did I come to you? Why did you want to see me now?”
“That’s two questions.” Sirius tries to smirk but it comes out wrong.
Remus looks at him with curious eyes full of hope, “I believe they may have the same answer.”
Sirius sighs, “They do and they don’t.” He tries to not let Remus’ watchful gaze hinder him from saying the truth, as much of it as he can give. “I didn’t want to see you just now. I want to see you all the time. Before you were shut down, I would talk to you, a lot. You and I would meet and I would talk about whatever was on my mind. You would listen and store everything I had to say away. You liked that I never asked you questions and I just spoke.”
Remus tilts his head, “And why did I come to you?”
Sirius bites his lower lip, unsure of how much he should share. “Sometimes I would call for you and other times you would just show up. I’m not sure what goes on in that mind of yours so I can’t say for sure why you did. There were a few times when you would tell me how my emotions were so loud that when you thought about me, whatever I was feeling was the first thing you’d know. If I was upset then you’d come.”
Remus nods his head in understanding. He then squints his eyes and says, “Can I ask you another question? This time it will just be one.”
Sirius smiles, “Go for it.”
There is humor laced through Remus’ voice, “Why are you out here and not inside?”
“Darling, if you knew I wanted to see you, then you know what I was thinking when I came out here.”
“I would like to hear you say it. Just to make sure. If you don’t mind, that is.”
It only takes a moment for Sirius to give in. He looks back up to the moon that hangs in the sky as he speaks, as if that will somehow make it easier to confess, “You told me that your favourite thing you made was the moon. Since you told me that, it reminds me of you. Always looking down at what’s going on, all knowing. I wanted to talk to you but I wasn’t sure I could. It seemed like the next best thing. My own personal Remus in the sky to match my own personal moon walking on the ground.”
“Your own moon?” Remus asks.
Sirius shrugs, “You said you made it for the people who live here. I have a feeling you made it specifically for me. So yes, it’s my moon.”
“Sirius, I had a false file on you before you arrived.” Remus says carefully, “I could not have made it for you.”
“No, you knew.” Sirius says matter of factly. “Well I don’t know what you knew obviously but something tells me that you could sense me coming from a mile away. I have that effect on people.” Remus begins to laugh. A genuine, honest to goodness laugh that Sirius has never heard before. Sirius’ mouth widens until a smile overtakes his entire face. He wants to live inside the noise. Crawl into Remus’ chest if he must just to hear it closer.
“It makes sense I think.” Sirius continues, as if he wasn’t at all impacted by Remus simply laughing, “On Earth there are a lot of stories about how the sun creates life but no one thinks about how the moon does the same. You gave life to this place. It’s certainly not as beautiful as you are, but it’s close enough.”
“Beautiful?” Remus asks, more in awe at Sirius’ words than lack of understanding, “I was designed to be average looking.”
“Oh they failed big time with that one. You are definitely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid my eyes on.” Sirius turns to Remus and finds his eyes flickering down to Remus’ lips. Sirius clears his throat and turns back towards the sky. There are far more important things to worry about. He reminds himself.
“Remus?” He asks carefully, “I know you like hearing me talk and that I don’t ask you too many questions but I do have one for you.” He pauses, waiting for Remus to say something. When it’s clear no comment is going to come, he continues cautiously, “You said you don’t have all the information you once had on me but you have enough don’t you? You know who I am.”
James had told Sirius about Remus’ slip up during James’ interrogation with Evan. Since then he’s been looking for clues as to what Remus knows. Whatever it is, he’s choosing to hide it from Evan. Remus mentioning the false file pretty much confirmed it, but he needs to hear Remus say it. It’s a risk asking, but it’s one Sirius has to take, and there’s practically no one else he would rather take this risk on.
“You are Sirius Orion Black.” Remus begins, speaking each sentence as its own fact. “Son of Walburga and Orion. Older brother to Regulus. You died when you were twenty-eight years old in a car accident while you were grieving. You once loved a boy named Neil.” Remus goes quiet for a moment, either trying to remember more pieces, or debating if he should continue on, “You were careless, and reckless and did many things without thinking of the consequences. You were designated to go to the Bad Place upon your death, but an error was made and you came here instead. I realized your true identity before you told me. I kept it a secret before and I must have had a good reason, so I will continue to do so now.”
Sirius breathes out a sigh of relief. Those memories had to come from somewhere and if they were able to come back, more will too. Conversation comes easier after that. Remus asks questions on a scale he never has before with Sirius. Sirius answers each one with care, knowing Remus is trusting him to tell the truth and to fill in those blanks that make his chest ache. Not long after, Remus’ questions turn away from himself and towards Sirius. He asks Sirius to let out everything that is bothering him.
Sirius describes everything he has gone through from the moment Remus went down. Then he doubles back. He talks about everything that happened prior to Remus being shut down. He explains the conversations they had, how it was Remus’ idea and how Sirius begged them to find another way. Sirius tells Remus how much it hurt him to pull that switch and the cruel things Remus had said right before. Remus hoards all of the knowledge he can take from Sirius, and Sirius gives it willingly.
“I wish there was somewhere we could just run off to.” Sirius says at one point. Which causes an odd look from Remus that Sirius in his drowsy state can’t quite place. “It feels like I have no power to do anything here.”
Remus speaks as if reading from a textbook, “Except our own thoughts, there is absolutely nothing in our power. Rene Descartes.”
“That’s uplifting.” Sirius mutters.
“I may be able to do a lot of things,” Remus says, “but I have found that thinking is the most important thing we can do. It is from our thoughts that we shape reality. You are not powerless unless you think it so.”
Sirius snorts, “You sound like James.”
For a while, it feels as if Remus had never lost his memory and knowledge. They are as they were. Sirius talking about all of the things that have made his afterlife difficult, and Remus listening to every word. Sirius gives and gives until there is nothing left to say. The exhaustion of the day sweeps through his body and melts into his bones. He finds himself laying down on the roof even as he continues to talk. The moon in the sky is making a slow descent into the horizon, and the dark hues of the night begin to turn a lighter shade of blue. The stars begin to fade from existence.
Sirius isn’t sure when he begins to fall asleep. He is only semi-aware of someone carrying him off of the roof, through the window, and placing him on his bed. He feels a small pressure against his temple, the blankets envelop his body, and the warmth drags him into a dreamless sleep.
~*~
For the first time since Regulus arrived in the Good Place, he sleeps past sunrise. He wakes in his bed but the room is dark. Something feels off and that’s when he remembers the sunroof had never been reopened the previous day. He reaches behind his bed frame and begrudgingly flips the small switch. The room slowly seeps with daylight. A new day, and new problems to face along the way.
Regulus gets out of bed, stretches his aching body, and gets dressed. His clothes have been left in disorganized piles after Dorcas had rummaged through them the previous day. He makes quick work of refolding his clothes and carefully placing them back into their drawers. Once that is settled, he realizes what he’s doing, stalling. He’s not quite ready to face Dorcas and give her the apology she deserves for keeping her in the Bad Place for so long. He can’t find any of the words that will matter. He’s not sure he can look her in the eyes and know that he’s the one to blame for all of the terrors she’s faced in his stead.
Reluctantly he decides that waiting it out will do no one any good. He leaves his bedroom and heads into the kitchen to prepare a quick breakfast. Dorcas is already there with a freshly brewed pot of coffee. She smiles and holds out a mug for him. Regulus takes the cup, gives a small nod of appreciation, and tries not to wince as he takes a sip.
“How’d you sleep?” He asks her.
“Like a baby. I don’t think I’ve had a proper sleep in ages!” She is full of energy and life while she speaks. Joy radiating off of her words and Regulus thinks he may be able to wait to apologize. "We have a lot to do today for your case though and I want to get started on it right away.”
Regulus’ body moves slightly backwards. Dorcas wants to help him? “You’re going to help me?”
“Of course.” She says, as if he were an idiot for thinking otherwise, “From everything I’ve heard you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to help but I’ll do what I can.” She takes the last swig of her coffee and begins to wash the mug. With her back turned to him, it feels easier for Regulus to get the words out.
“That’s very kind of you.”
She shrugs, “It’s the right thing to do.”
Dorcas finishes washing her mug and then heads into James’ bedroom to get dressed for the day. Regulus pours the rest of his coffee out into the sink the moment the door is closed. He breathes out a sigh of relief.
Once Dorcas is ready, the pair walk over to Sirius’ house. Inside they find the clear signs of three men temporarily living together. The house is a disaster, clothes strewn about, dirty plates and cups litter every surface.
Barty, James and Sirius huddle in the living room, seemingly unaware of the mess that surrounds them. Barty is sitting on the couch unbothered. James is hovering over a tired looking Sirius.
“What the Hell happened here?” Regulus grimaces.
“Remus usually picks out my clothes for me.” Sirius says.
Followed by James, “Remus usually makes my breakfast.”
“Remus usually cleans up after me.” Barty adds on.
“You’re all bloody useless.” Regulus says, disgust shown on his face and arms crossed against his chest. “Didn’t any of you learn to do anything for yourselves? You’re grown men!”
They all shrug and that seems to be the end of that conversation. Regulus rolls his eyes at the lack of response while Dorcas laughs lightly next to him.
“What’s the plan for today?” Barty asks.
Sirius is quick to respond. “We’re headed over to Evan to start planning a case for Regulus to be able to stay here.”
Regulus nods his head as confirmation and prepares to leave the catastrophic house behind him but then James speaks, “We should split up so we’re not all working on the same thing. Sirius and Barty should stay with Evan and start looking through Regulus’ file. Dorcas and I can try and build a legal case. Look to see if there’s any precedent or anything like that.”
“Where do you expect me to go then?” Regulus asks coldly. It’s his case they’re all working on and he’s being pushed to the side. He can’t let everyone else do the work for him. If he’s going to prove that he belongs here, he should be able to help.
“Where do you think you’ll be the most helpful?” Barty asks, almost unsurely, as if he isn't quite certain of what the answer would be himself.
“You should come with me and James.” Dorcas says. Barty shoots Dorcas a quick glare but she continues anyways, “Having you explain everything to me in your own words will help to build your case. Everyone else seems to know everything you’ve done since you’ve arrived but I still have a lot of gaps.”
That seems like a good enough plan for everyone. They walk to town square as a group but split off from there. Barty and Sirius walk to Evan’s office to sort through files while Regulus, James and Dorcas look for a building with a conference room they can use. They could have just done this in Regulus’ living room but James said a fresh space would open them up to new ideas.
They find a building with potential and from there they find a room with a large desk and multiple whiteboards lining the walls. James summons Remus and asks for a variety of philosophy books, some which Regulus has never heard of, and others he knows intimately. James then begins stacking the books in piles by topic and then by author. He examines his options, grabs a whiteboard marker, uncaps it with his teeth, and begins to write. The first thing he does is place his marker in the top left corner and write a quote by Nietzsche.
Moments later someone else joins in the small room. Regulus is surprised to see Peter, holding a large tome of a text under his arm. He looks slightly afraid, but at this point Regulus should expect people to be scared of him after they found out all of the disasters he’s caused.
James looks to Peter and says, “Hey Pete! What are you doing here? You didn’t need the room did you?”
Peter sets down the large book on the desk, allowing Regulus to get a better look at it. It’s a law book. “I was a lawyer back on Earth. Evan said he thought I might be able to help you with your case.”
“Peter, you don’t have to do this.” Regulus says, guilt laced through his voice. He can’t expect all of these people to come together to try and save him when he’s put them through so much. He’s never felt so much guilt in his life and he’s beginning to really hate the feeling. He wishes he could go back to not caring about what other people think of him.
Peter’s mouth forms a thin line, and he bites the inside of his cheek before speaking, “I haven’t forgiven you, for lying to me that is. All of the stuff you caused, I’m sure that almost anyone else would have done the same thing to try and stay. But you’re my friend, and I’m going to help you in any way I can.”
Regulus feels the air leave his body, and he realizes he had been holding his breath. He nods his head and gives a quiet “Thank you.”
Dorcas and Peter instruct him to give a recount of everything he’s done and how he’s changed since arriving. He tells them the entire tale, once again leaving Sirius out of it. When they come to the point of asking how Sirius found out, Regulus says that he told Sirius the truth when he realized how close Sirius and James were becoming, and he didn’t want that weighing on James. It’s as close to the truth as he can tell.
He tries his hardest to include all of the good things he’s done since arriving. From the biggest things like trying to save someone from being wrongly accused of being misplaced, to the smallest like opening a door for another resident. The more he talks, the more unsure of himself he becomes. Regulus finds himself listing a mistake he made, an error, a bad action, before each good one, and he begins to wonder if he’s actually changed at all.
The hours tick by as James reads through books and writes on his whiteboard. As Peter flips back and forth through his own law book and scribbles things down in a notebook. As Dorcas asks questions and as Regulus answers. They don’t take breaks to eat or drink water. They talk, write, and read relentlessly and Regulus begins to wonder if Sirius is having it any easier.
Even stressful days must come to an end and night falls over the neighborhood. It is only when Regulus looks out of the single window in the room and notices the darkness that his body decides it is done for the day. There is a rumbling in his stomach loud enough for all others in the room to hear. His face flushes and he mutters, “Sorry. Guess I’m a bit hungry.”
Everyone else turns and looks towards the night and they too decide that the session is over. The books are closed with loose pieces of paper to mark the last place read. The whiteboards remain as they are after James underlines a few key points he wants to get back to tomorrow. They leave the office as a mausoleum to the day's work.
Without discussing it, and simply just knowing, they go to Evan’s office and pick up Sirius and Barty. They too have gone through the day famished. The group of six head to the closest restaurant they can find to have dinner, not wanting to wait another moment to eat.
Regulus sits at one end of the table with James next to him and Sirius across. They order food and drinks and begin to discuss the fruits of the day’s labour. Sirius, Barty and Evan spent the day trying to find something in Regulus’ file that shows he definitely deserves to belong here. Evan had apparently at one point taken out a calculator and manually added up every point Regulus had ever earned or lost to try and see if his number was accurate. So far, it doesn’t seem like there were any mistakes.
Their meals come and conversation becomes muffled between bites of food and turns away from Regulus and instead, to Dorcas. Peter asks Dorcas about her life on Earth. Barty asks her about the work she did as a marine conservationist. She tells a joke that Sirius finds so funny, he spits out the water he was in the middle of drinking. She makes James laugh and then looks at him longingly. Regulus doesn’t say anything.
He tries to enjoy himself, unsure of when he will get another moment like this, but as he watches Dorcas’ become friends with the people around them, he sees how happy they are. James laughs, Sirius smiles, Peter’s eyes light up and Barty is hanging onto every word she has to say. Regulus has never seen them all together before and maybe that has something to do with it, but he’s also never seen them all so carefree, taking a moment to not worry about him. He needs to look away, it’s hurting too much to watch but he can’t find the strength in himself to.
He feels a tightness in his gut that isn’t ebbed by the food he forces himself to eat. All Regulus has done is cause a never ending array of catastrophes. He’s made so many people miserable in his time here, even if he didn’t mean to, even if they said they didn’t mind and they wanted to help him. Now more people are involved. Dorcas, Barty and Peter are all taking on roles to try and help him be able to stay and Regulus begins to wonder what he did to deserve this, or if they just feel that bad for him that they feel obligated to help.
There are far more important things to worry about but as Regulus’ name drifts out of the conversation, he can’t help but think about how much better off all of these people would be if he never arrived, if he gave up now. An all-knowing judge is on his way to determine Regulus’ fate, but the numbers don’t lie and even if he’s changed, he knows it’s not enough. He wasn’t a good person on Earth, and that’s what he needed to be to earn his spot. He had his chance and he blew it, even if he knows why he lived the way he did.
Regulus idly moves his food around on his plate with his fork. He feels a hand on his knee and looks to his left to see James. “Come back to me.” He whispers, and Regulus feels the words tremor through his body.
“I’m here.” Regulus says, because it feels like the right thing to say at the moment. James’ hand doesn’t leave Regulus’ thigh and Regulus feels more grounded than ever before. A small act, a simple gesture, and James might as well have handed him the world. Regulus moves his own hand to clutch onto James’.
Things are easier after that. Regulus tries to stay present but the weight in his hands overtakes any of his spiraling thoughts or his ability to focus on whatever is being talked about now. When dinner is done they all head home. Since James moved most of his stuff to Regulus’ house, he decides to stay at Sirius’ again for the time being. They’ll figure out the details later. Dorcas and Regulus walk the remaining five minutes home together in silence.
Dorcas is in front of the door to James’ bedroom when Regulus finally finds the words he’s been trying to say all day, “Dorcas?”
She looks up, tiredness has overtaken her features, “Yeah?”
“Thank you. And I’m sorry that you went down there instead of me.”
She leaves the door behind and walks up to Regulus. She puts a hand on his shoulder, leans in, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “You have nothing to apologize for.” She says, and then more surprisingly, “I would’ve done the same.”
“Would you really?” He asks. It seems to be all everyone is telling him these days. They would have done the same thing in his position, but if they are good people, and they would have also lied and cheated their way through this world, that would mean that Regulus wasn’t so bad for doing it himself.
“I would.” She says. She leaves him, going into James’ room and quietly closing the door behind her.
Regulus can’t find sleep. He battles with it, tossing and turning but his mind refuses to shut down. He slips out of bed, puts on a pair of joggers and ties his shoes before leaving his house as quietly as he can. He wants to talk to James about everything that has happened. James will help him find the answers he needs to all of his questions and will listen to him rant about how terribly wrong everything is going. Just for a few stolen hours, he needs James.
Regulus arrives at Sirius’ house and realizes his mistake. James is probably asleep, like Regulus should be. He decides the next best option is going to be to annoy his brother while he’s already here. He passes by Barty’s room and hears the hum of violas and harps. The light of the hallway leads him to the next room down. He doesn’t bother knocking and walks straight in. Sirius is in the middle of taking off his pants. Regulus shields his eyes while Sirius pulls his pants back up.
“Reggie what are you doing here?” Sirius hisses. He rushes behind Regulus and shuts the door. “And why don’t you knock?”
Regulus shrugs, “I thought you’d be sleeping.” He walks over to the bed, sitting on the end of it.
“And you came to what? Wake me up and annoy me?”
Regulus bobs his head, “Pretty much.” Sirius glares at him. “I mean technically I came over to talk to James but I figured he’s asleep. This seemed like a fun alternative.”
“Oh please. You just wanted an excuse to talk to your big brother.”
Regulus monotone laughs, “Ha-ha.”
“Admit it.” Sirius crosses his arms over his chest, “You love me! You wanted to come and talk to me and air out everything you’re feeling!” Sirius smiles wide while he talks. He’s really getting some enjoyment out of this.
“Isn’t Barty’s room right next door?” Regulus asks, “Tone is down a bit.”
Sirius waves dismissively, “It’s fine. He always plays that classical shit while he’s asleep.”
“That doesn’t mean he won’t wake up dumbass.” Regulus can hear the faint tunes through the wall, but it doesn’t erase the stupidity of the idea.
“Jeez Reggie. He’ll turn it off if he wakes up. He’s very predictable like that.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and takes a moment to look around his brother’s room. Sirius however, decides that the conversation is not over with. “I think that you didn’t come here to see James.”
Regulus sighs, “Sirius-”
“No, I think you wanted to talk to someone who understands your position to an extent.” Sirius puts a hand up to his chest dramatically. Regulus goes to roll his eyes again, but as he does he notices a small movement. Right where the bedroom door meets the floor is a small crack, just wide enough to let a sliver of light in, along with the shadow that is accompanying it.
“Sirius.” Regulus hisses through his teeth. “I really think you should-”
“Should I tell you about how I can relate to not belonging here?” Sirius cuts in and Regulus wishes he had some duct tape nearby so he could shut his brother up, “I know you haven’t forgotten and you’re hanging it over my head, threatening to tell Evan and all that, but to be frank, I don’t think you’re going to.”
If the shadow didn’t just make a movement Regulus would have some serious words to say about that. “I really think you should shut up.” Regulus harshly whispers. Regulus tries to gesture towards the crack in the door, towards the light and the darkness that cover it but Sirius is so fucking stupid he doesn’t take any notice.
“No, I think this is something we should definitely be talking about.”
“Someone is at the door.” He speaks the words quietly, but they’re loud enough for Sirius. Sirius turns around on his heel and notices the shadow. He steps off to the side and continues to speak.
“Reggie I don’t know” Sirius reaches for the doorknob, “it seems important” He opens the door. Both Black brothers look in horror at Barty on the other side.
Barty glares at both of them, anger seeping through him. Regulus’ mind begins to go haywire. His thoughts run on repeat through his mind, circling and doubling back. Out of all of the things Barty could have said, of all of the reactions he could have had, Regulus isn't sure what to do when the first thing he hears is, “It’s rude to stare.”
Notes:
One day I will figure out how to write without leaving off on a cliff hanger but today is simply not that day.
If you noticed all of the repeating phrases prior to the end I’d love to know where you picked up on it
Thank you for reading, as always, and I’ll see you in the next one!
Chapter 14: Cannot Complain Afterwards
Notes:
I forgot today was Wednesday my bad. Time is an illusion
I don’t think there’s any warnings for this one…maybe? I could be missing something if I am please let me know because I am kind of desensitized to my own writing. If it’s not a death chapter I’m not really looking for it
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
One who makes himself a worm cannot complain afterwards if people step on him - Immanuel Kant
***
“Hello?” Barty waves his hand in front of Sirius’ stricken face. He begins to snap his fingers which draws Sirius back to the horrors that are unfolding in front of him. He gulps and barely manages to speak, fear overtaking him.
“We should talk.” Sirius says. He grabs onto Barty’s arm, pulls him into the room and shuts the door behind him. Barty stands with a scowl on his face, arms crossed against his chest, waiting for Sirius or Regulus to say something. Then, a thought occurs to Sirius, “Why were you snooping outside my door?”
Rage overtakes Barty in an instant, “Because I’m sick and tired of being left out of everything! Both of you keep saying that you’ve told me everything. That you’ve been honest with me and then I keep finding out more things you’ve hidden away! I’m over here trying to help you ” He jabs a finger at Regulus, “from being sent away and I haven’t asked for anything in return except the truth and you keep refusing to give it to me!”
“It wasn’t my secret to tell.” Regulus says, and Sirius is grateful at least one of them can keep a cool head because Sirius is freaking out.
Barty starts pacing around the room, “You were supposed to be my soulmate. This is why you always kept me so far away. No matter how close I tried to get with you. Even little things like learning your favourite colour were like pulling teeth to try and get you to answer. And then-Oh my god. James knows too doesn’t he?” Barty whips around and trains his eyes on Sirius. “Of course he does. Who else? Who else knows about you?!”
Sirius stands in shock, unable to bring himself to speak, fearful that he’ll say the wrong thing. Regulus speaks up for him instead, “Only me and James know.” Regulus says.
Sirius looks down towards the floor, “Remus too.”
“You told Remus again?” Regulus asks surprised, “You said you were going to wait it out with him. A little update would have been nice.”
“Yeah, that was the plan originally.” Sirius explains, “Then yesterday night he came over and we were talking-”
“You weren’t supposed to summon him!” Regulus yells.
“I didn’t! He came to me! Don’t you see? He remembers things about me. He doesn’t remember everything but he has all of these bits and pieces. He was thinking about me and he knew I was upset and he came to see me. He let it slip that he knew I didn’t belong and I outright asked him and he told me everything he could remember about me. He knew about our pasts and about mother and how I died-”
“Mother?” Barty asks. He looks back and forth between Sirius and Regulus, putting all of the pieces together. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Barty all but whispers, “I am so much smarter than this. How did I not see it? You quite literally look almost identical!”
“Surprise!” Sirius says, trying to lighten the mood, at the same time Regulus says with disgust in his voice, “Identical?”
“Shut up!” Barty says, “This is too much to process. I don’t-I can’t I can’t look at either of you right now. Is there anything else you think is important to mention?”
Sirius looks to Regulus and tries to read his brother's mind, but it doesn't work as well as he hopes. He decides to take a small risk. Pretty much everything else is out in the open now anyway. Sirius takes a deep breath and looks directly at Barty when he says, “I’m the one who shut down Remus.”
Barty’s eyes impossibly widen more and there is a small twitch underneath one of them.
“Please don’t tell Evan.” Sirius says, words rushed, “I know that we haven’t really proved that we deserve your trust-”
“Deserve my trust?” Barty’s face falls. His eyes droop along with his mouth and he looks absolutely dejected and hurt, “You had it. Both of you did but especially you Regulus.” His voice is tight, “You took my trust and used it against me to lie to me and deceive me. I keep forgiving you for keeping me in the dark, for not telling me everything but there comes a point where I can’t accept it anymore. It’s just too much.” Barty begins backing up for the door.
“Are you still going to help us with Regulus’ case?” Sirius asks. He knows what the most important thing is at the moment and that’s ensuring Regulus is in as safe of a position as he can be. Sirius will deal with the consequences of his actions, but Regulus shouldn’t go down with him.
Barty looks appalled, “That’s what you’re worried about? You should be more concerned that I don’t turn you in right now!”
“Barty, it’s late.” Regulus says softly, holding his hands up trying to bring Barty back to a sense of calm, “Can we just talk in the morning? Just please, don’t go to Evan right now but in the morning when we all have some time, you can hear what we have to say and if you decide afterwards to go to him- well it’s not like we could really do anything to stop you.”
Barty seems to consider this for a moment. He looks back and forth between Sirius and Regulus, debating what to do next. “Fine. But I want you to know right now, both of you to know, that if I find out anything else you’ve been keeping from me, I’m going to Evan with everything .”
Sirius scoffs, “That’s more of a reason to not tell you, don’t you think?”
Barty lunges forward but Regulus is quick enough to hold him back. “Yes Barty.” Regulus says while coaxing Barty away from Sirius, “We can accept that.”
Regulus ushers Barty out of the room and follows him down the hall, leaving Sirius alone. Sirius falls onto his bed and puts his head into his hands, wondering why when things seem to look up they always end up falling apart. He was about to have a good brotherly bonding night with Regulus and now they have another problem to deal with, and this one has a mouth!
Sirius’ main concern however is how this is all going to impact Regulus. Barty was going to be a key witness to Regulus’ character when the Judge comes. James would have been number one but then it was decided that since James was originally told Regulus was his soulmate, there would probably be too much bias to make a fair point. If Barty now refuses because of Sirius, it could be detrimental to Regulus being able to stay.
It takes a few minutes before Regulus comes back. Sirius looks up quickly and offers a weak smile to his brother. “How bad do you think I fucked up?”
Regulus sighs and gives a small shrug, taking a seat next to Sirius. “It’s probably not the worst thing you’ve ever done but it’s up there.”
“Jeez thanks for making me feel better. I really cherish these brotherly bonding moments we have.” Sirius grits out. He doesn’t know why he even bothers to try with Regulus sometimes. Regulus clearly doesn’t want him around and any attempt Sirius makes at trying to bring them closer together are met with conversation akin to speaking to a brick wall.
“I gave you honesty.” Regulus says simply, “You didn’t say you wanted to be comforted. If you want to be coddled you go to James. If you want to rant without responses you go to Remus. If you want to be yelled at again, go talk to Barty. You asked me so you’ll be getting the truth. That’s the deal.” Regulus looks up to Sirius, seemingly awaiting a response Sirius doesn’t have. “So?”
“So what?” Sirius asks.
“So who are you going to? Honesty, sympathy, yelling or silence?” Regulus looks bored as he asks.
“I don’t feel like moving.” Sirius falls back onto his bed, sprawling out like a starfish on top of the covers. “Give it to me straight.”
Regulus sighs, “It could have been a lot worse. He heard us out a little bit. I think he’s more mad at me than at you. You tried to push him away because you were lying. I got closer to him because I was lying. He’s not going to Evan, at least not yet, and there’s not really much else that he doesn’t know at this point. He deserves to know the full truth, Sirius.”
Sirius throws his hands over his eyes and rubs relentlessly, “He basically knows everything at this point so I don’t see what’s left to tell him. He just needs to make a decision on what he’s going to do so I can properly plan.”
“Properly plan? Plan what?” Regulus asks and Sirius gives him a knowing look, “Sirius you aren’t going to be planning anything do you understand me?” Sirius instantly gets ready to retort, something along the lines of You aren’t my mother so you can’t tell me what to do but Regulus shuts him up, “We have somehow, unfortunately, found ourselves in this mess together. There is no more solo work anymore. If a plan needs to be made we will both think of something. You shouldn’t be going at this alone and not just because every plan I’ve ever seen you enact was beyond the definition of stupid.”
Sirius takes a moment to think on that. Regulus doesn’t want him to go through with anything alone. Sirius’ plan however is one he would have to do alone. He’s kept it to himself for some time now, there seems to be no better person to share it with than his brother, “If it doesn’t work out and the Judge tries to send you away I’m going to confess too. That’s the plan.”
Regulus scoffs, “No you will not.”
“I will.” Sirius says sternly and he’s met with Regulus’ glare. “I can’t live here like this Regulus. I went twelve years without you and I won’t go through any more. I have you back but you aren’t even really here because you hate me so much. Do you honestly think I could survive knowing that you were being tortured for eternity while I got to live it up in paradise? Do you think I’m that shallow?” Sirius looks to his brother, so little fight in him left after so much loss. He tries to understand what Regulus is thinking but comes up blank.
Regulus doesn’t hesitate to respond, “I think it’s what you deserve.”
“I deserve to live here?” Sirius asks, confused. The last time he checked, Regulus despised him and wished eternal suffering upon him.
“No.” Regulus clarifies, “You deserve to suffer knowing I’m being sent away and you didn’t do anything about it, again.” It’s the same old conversation. They’ve already done this song and dance. Sirius’ mind plays through all of the times Regulus has said those exact words to him from the moment Regulus said they’re brothers. As those memories play, Sirius realizes there’s something he never told Regulus.
“I tried to come back for you.” Sirius says quietly, a confession he isn’t quite ready to make but has to give, “It took me so long but I was saving up money to get you out. The day I died I went back to take you away.”
“Twelve years after you left!” Regulus yells, “You thought I was going to still be around after that long?”
“I had hoped.” Sirius tries to give a smile but it instantly falls. He had hoped and failed. He was too late.
“You wanted me to still be under Mother and Father’s thumb at twenty seven years old just so you could come and be my hero? I didn’t realize you had such a big saviour complex.”
“No-I mean- I don’t know.” Sirius sighs. He rubs his hands over his face and through his hair. These are the things he’s been wanting to say for weeks but hasn’t found the time or the words to get it right. He takes a deep breath, tries to organize his thoughts quickly, and tries again.
“I began planning how to get us both out when I was ten.” He explains, and if this is new or old news to Regulus, he doesn’t show it. “When I was sixteen I was nearly ready to run out with you by my side and just live on the streets. I thought that had to be better than what we were going through. When I did leave I didn’t have a place to call home for two years, and it was so much better still than living with them.
“When I left I was determined to still go back for you no matter what. The day I was driving back to Grimmauld I remember thinking how I didn’t know anything about your life. I didn’t know if you were happy or miserable. If you were there or if you had a family. I didn’t know anything but the one thing I did know was that if I had the chance to get you out, even if it was twelve years later, I was going to take it.” Sirius looks down at the floor, unable to see Regulus’ reaction.
“I don’t feel sorry for you if that’s what you’re trying to accomplish. You made up your mind a long time ago and now you have to deal with the consequences. If this doesn’t work out, if I get sent away, you are staying here.” Regulus always speaks like his words are law, they are for everyone around him to obey by. Sirius knows no matter what he says, Regulus will continue to push for his way. There will be no changing Regulus mind. It’s best to let him think he’s won.
“Okay.” Sirius says.
Regulus leaves shortly after. Their conversation weighs heavy on Sirius as he gets ready for bed, again. He wonders if when the time comes, will he be able to sit still and watch as Regulus is taken away from him, or will he go too. There's no real benefit of him leaving, it won’t stop Regulus from damnation. If anything it might get James and now Barty in trouble for hiding another secret identity. The only reason to step up and tell the truth would be for selfish reasons, to make sure he doesn’t have to live with the guilt.
Sirius climbs into his bed and tries to find sleep. He tosses and turns. He debates calling for Remus. It’s late enough in the night to be considered early morning, and he really needs to get some sleep. The day ahead is another long one and if he could talk with Remus about it for just a little bit before, to ease his mind- but no. He needs to sleep. He needs to get use to the idea that Remus won’t always be there. Remus is not human and as much as Sirius cares about him, he needs to get all of these thoughts about Remus out of his head. He needs to focus on Regulus, and James, and now Barty.
In some other life this would be easier to manage. In some other universe Sirius and Remus would both be human and Sirius would belong in the Good Place. They would meet in the afterlife or maybe they would even get the chance to know each other on Earth. Sirius would be told Remus was his soulmate and one look into Remus’ eyes and Sirius wouldn’t have a single doubt in the concept of finding your other half. They would laugh and smile together, go to cafes and dine out on patios. They’d stay up late and whisper secrets to one another beneath the moon and kiss each other breathless. It would all be easy.
In another universe Sirius and Remus are happily together but in this one, Sirius finds that sleep evades him. He hears a soft ping . Sirius doesn’t move or acknowledge the man in his room. He pretends to sleep. As much as he wants to look, he can’t bear the thought of seeing all of the pieces missing from Remus right now. The pieces Sirius caused to fly away. One look into Remus’ eyes and Sirius would see all of those universes unfolding before him and it pains him to know that he exists in the wrong one.
Remus is standing in Sirius’ room but Sirius’ mind is focused on Barty. Barty who could ruin everything if Sirius doesn’t figure out a way to stop him. Barty was in the wrong place at the right time and now Sirius must deal with the consequences of keeping his own secret in the hands of only three. Sirius doesn’t feel like speaking anymore on the topic. He’d rather let his thoughts run their course through his mind. He doesn’t want company, he’d rather sit alone and dwell on all of the mistakes he’s made since arriving. He’s tried fixing his relationship with Regulus and now he must amend the one he barely had with Barty.
Sirius keeps his eyes closed and tries to steady his breathing to mimic a body at rest. He hears a movement from the corner of his room and feels Remus approach the side of his bed. Sirius’ blankets are adjusted, by hands that are not his own, until the duvet sits right below his chin. There is a shift in weight, and for a moment, in this universe, Sirius feels the warm pressure of Remus’ lips on his temple. Remus lets the kiss linger and Sirius is unsure if he should be grateful for this moment or angered that this is all it will ever be, a moment, not to be experienced again.
The pressure leaves. A moment later a faint ping comes from the corner of the room. Sirius never does fall asleep.
~*~
James awakes feeling groggy. He misses being able to cuddle with Leo in the night. He woke up nearly every hour on the dot in a fit of worry. Thoughts of Regulus and Sirius swam through his mind as he wondered if he was doing enough to help them both. Fighting to keep Regulus here. Fighting to make sure Sirius isn’t discovered. Accepting Dorcas’ new presence in their lives and trying to be a beacon of light and hope through it all. It’s all utterly exhausting in the way that doesn’t allow him any sleep.
Begrudgingly he rolls out of bed and begins to get ready for the day. A new day of combing through works by philosophers new and old in the hopes of finding reasons as to why Regulus should be able to stay. He made good progress yesterday, and feels good about the prospects of what today will bring. His current leading points he’s planning on making involve a great deal of Virtue Ethics and he’ll feel better about his argument once he rereads a few more passages from Aristotle.
Just as James finishes getting dressed and ready, teeth brushed, his hair a disaster that cannot be fixed, and his glasses repurchased on his nose, someone is storming through his bedroom door. He looks up and is surprised to see, “Barty?”
Barty looks as if he hasn’t gotten much sleep either. There are dark circles under his eyes. His green streaks are mangled in with the rest of his hair. He’s breathing slightly heavy. He clampers into the room and shuts the door behind him. Barty turns back towards James and looks him over, studying every inch. “Sirius told me that he doesn’t belong here either, and you knew about it, the whole time.”
James tries his best to not look surprised but fails all too easily, “Well- Not the whole time.” He stampers out. James finds his body moving involuntarily away from Barty, backing up towards the guest bed. If he could put a little bit of distance between the two of them, the conversation may be easier to handle.
“You knew about Regulus the whole time.” Barty amends.
James lets out a small sigh and admits, “Yeah I did, but Sirius I didn’t know about for a while.”
“You know what I think James?” Barty raises an eyebrow and begins to step forward. Closing in the distance James has carefully crafted between them.
“What do you think?” James takes another step back but it’s only met with Barty moving in closer.
“I’ve thought long and hard about all of this and I think I’ve come to an understanding. People are paired up here. You were paired with Regulus and I was paired with Sirius. Two brothers who don’t belong here, put with two people that do. I think the answer is simple, and it’s been right in front of us this entire time. We just didn’t see it because we weren’t sharing all the pieces of information.” He pauses, as if waiting for James to understand the conclusion he’s come to. When it’s clear James is lost as to where this is going, Barty gives his final remark, “You and I were meant to be together.” He stops walking at the end of his sentence, for that James is grateful. He tries to process what Barty is saying but it seems his mind isn’t able to make the same connections. How did Barty get from A to B?
“What?” James asks.
“Oh come on.” Barty rolls his eyes with a smile playing on his lips, “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it? I think you and I could be very very good together. Don’t you think so?” There is a shine in Barty’s green eyes. James has never seen it before, an enticing look that begs James to come closer, to stop creating distance and accept what is to come.
“Well yeah.” James says through heavy breaths. He can feel his heart beating faster. Part of him is confused as to what’s happening, while another fully expects where this will lead.
“So you have thought about it?” Barty smirks.
“No- I mean. I think we would be very good together obviously. But we can’t be together.” James holds up his hands in defense as he steps backwards. He knows he’s running out of space, the guest bedroom isn’t very big.
“And why not? Who’s going to stop us? Our fake soulmates? I’m tired of this James. I’m tired of the lies and the deception. I just want something real. Right now, I want you. Don’t you want me?”
James is trying to find the right thing to say. Obviously Barty is hurting right now and he doesn’t want to make it worse. He’s debating between telling Barty that nothing will happen and letting Barty play out this fantasy for a little bit, when he realizes Barty is a lot closer now. They’re standing toe to toe. Barty is looking up at him with a plea in his eyes. “Something real. Just once.” He whispers. James can feel the breath from the words on his lips.
James isn’t sure who leans in first. The next thing he knows Barty’s hands are in his hair and their lips are pressed together. James’ hands hold onto Barty’s waist, trying to keep the shorter man in place. There is nothing soft or subtle about it, the kiss is instantly heated. Barty is pushing everything he’s feeling into James and James takes it. James lets himself be used by Barty. Barty slides his tongue along James' bottom lip and James lets him in. He tastes like toothpaste and smoke and James finds he doesn’t mind the flavour.
James’ legs press against the edge of the bed, and with one small push from Barty, they both fall. Barty’s hands trail down James’ body until they reach his waist. Barty’s mouth moves across James’ face, his cheek, jaw and his neck. He nibbles at the skin in between kisses, searching for the right spot. Slowly Barty reaches a hand underneath James’ shirt. Between a bite and a soft lick to ease the pain, Barty asks, “Are we going all the way?”
James’ mind freezes. All thoughts put on pause from three simple words. All the way. All the way. He pulls away from Barty. James doesn't speak which adds to the confused look Barty has, “We don’t have to, it's fine. I’m okay just doing this.” Barty leans back a bit on James’ lap, giving him some space. James looks between Barty and the bed, trying to figure out the nicest way to say what he wants to say. He’s lucky Barty seems to understand. Barty removes himself from James’ lap and sits on the bed next to him.
James crawls backwards on the bed until his back hits the headboard, trying to regain the distance he once had. Barty asks, “Was it really that bad?”
James brings a finger up to his lips and gently touches the tender spot. “No it’s not you. I just- I don’t know.” He drops his hand and tries to get his thoughts in order. James hasn’t done much stuff in his time but Barty is here and willing, as well as insanely attractive. People say that times of stress often bring people physically closer together. He could want this and he thinks that he should, but he doesn’t. There’s something his body doesn’t like about this situation and it doesn’t have to do with Barty being the person across from him. There’s something missing. For someone whose job was to stand in front of a large group of people and speak, it’s amazing how often he’s lost for words.
“It’s because I’m not him, isn’t it?” Barty asks, a regretful smile displayed. James bites his lower lip and looks down at the duvet cover, tracing the patterns with his eyes.
“Who?” James asks weakly. He knows he can’t hide it but he wants to at least try. Let Barty think that it could be something else. He can’t say it out loud because that would bring truth to it. It would mean accepting it as real, acknowledging it and god forbid that means he has to actually do something about it.
Barty gives a small huff, “It’s okay James. I kind of figured.” Barty stands up from the bed and begins to straighten out his clothes. “I was just hoping I could be enough for you, even for a little bit.”
“Barty I-”
Barty puts up a hand, his mouth forms a thin line before he takes a small breath and says, “Please don’t say anything. It’ll just make it worse.” He takes a step closer to the door and at the last moment he turns back around towards James and says, “You should tell him how you feel though.”
James lets out a pathetic laugh, “Given the current situation, I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
Barty gives one last look to James and says, “Given the current situation, I don’t think there’s a better time.” before leaving the room.
James sits on the bed with his knees to his chest. One arm wrapped around his legs and the other hand touching and retouching his lips. He tries to decide how he feels about the events of the morning and what he should do next. He isn’t given long before Sirius is knocking on the other side of the bedroom door, checking that he’s awake and about ready to leave for another day of trying to save Regulus. It seems like he’s always trying to save Regulus. Not that he really minds.
James quickly gets up and rights himself. Sirius gives him a onceover and although James feels like he looks put together, something about Sirius' gaze says overwise. Maybe it’s just Sirius, who seems to have an uncanny ability to read James like a book, and no one else will know, it’s the least James can hope for.
The air feels tainted between James, Sirius and Barty as they wait for the others to show up. They sit in silence, no stolen glances to be found between any of them. The plan is the same as the day before, divide and conquer. James’ mind rattles on with what he should do about Barty. If he should tell Regulus about the kiss and proposition he made, if he should tell Sirius, or if he should just keep it all to himself because it seems like Barty understands that although James likes him as a friend, that is all they’ll ever be. There’s no need to bring others into the mix.
Regulus and Dorcas show up in the front of the house a few minutes later. Regulus says he doesn’t want to venture back inside the house for the time being, given how messy it was yesterday. Something about how his nose might stop working from the smell. James thinks he’s being dramatic but does a quick sniff test on himself to make sure that he’s at least in the clear. His body smells of eucalyptus and he gives himself a private nod of approval.
James, Regulus, and Dorcas find Peter waiting for them outside of the office building. They walk inside together to find the relics of yesterday’s work, perfectly preserved. James examines his whiteboards, refamiliarizing himself with where he left off. Yesterday he had underlined a few points he wanted to tackle first thing today, he rereads those sections first. Afterwards, he rereads everything he had written, trying to determine if a new day’s perspective has suddenly given him godlike insight to their problem. Unfortunately, there is no miraculous discovery he makes within the chicken scratch writings on the board.
He finds the stack of books of Aristotle's work, and pulls out a bookmark that cleverly says, I know I need my job but this whole 8 hours away from my book shit really isn’t working for me. James laughs to himself at the bookmark and settles into his chair, rhythmically tapping the bookmark against his cheek as he begins to read, looking for the answer within the pages. It’s in here somewhere, he just knows it.
He tries to not let his mind drift back to the morning, back to Barty and Barty’s words. “Given the current situation I don’t think there’s a better time. ” James finds his gaze returning to Regulus time and time again. Regulus is immersed in a stack of essays he had written under the tutelage of James, looking for something that demonstrates his change throughout his time in the Good Place. James knows he’ll find something. He’s seen the ways Regulus has improved with his own eyes and if this judge is truly all knowing, it will be as clear as the waters that lap through James’ mind.
James should go for it, he should reach out and tell Regulus how he feels. He should let Regulus know how he makes James feel. All of those waters settling and finding a home when Regulus is around. How he eases James’ mind and how his soul is at the beginnings of feeling full. He wants to sit Regulus down and tell him his life story.
James wants to tell Regulus about his grandfather, about the Prewett twins, his father and his mum. He wants to explain what each of these people meant to him and then tell Regulus how much he means to James. He wants to tell Regulus how it seems philosophy has always been interwoven into his life from the ages of eight to twenty-eight. Watching movies with Abuelito, chocolate pudding cups with mum, roofs with Fabian, jokes with dad, spray paint bottles with Gid, his journey through life. If he could just explain it all, maybe Regulus could understand a little bit more of who James is, why he is the way he is.
If James did decide to make the move, if he decided to move five feet forward and close the gap between himself and the raven haired man, what would that change? Regulus most likely doesn’t feel the same way. Regulus hasn’t had time to sit and evaluate his feelings. He’s been on the run from the moment he arrived and it wouldn’t be fair of James to step up and say, “Hey look at me! I’m right here and I think I’m falling for you by the way!” It wouldn’t change the fact that Regulus is about to face the Judge or that he might be sent away in a matter of days.
Nothing James says or does in regard to his feelings will change the outcome of Regulus’ fate. If anything, he may just make it worse. Regulus is already under so much stress and James would be adding to that. Regulus could be sent away to the Bad Place with the knowledge of how James feels. James tries to put himself in Regulus’ position, and he thinks knowing wouldn’t be a comfort, it would be a burden of what if’s that would sit on his shoulder for the rest of time.
He tries to bring his mind back to the book in front of him, and keep his eyes on the page. He keeps his thoughts focused on the task at hand. No wandering to the past or the future, he must stay in the now. Right now Regulus’ existence is at stake. Right now they are going to find a way to fix everything. And right now, Regulus’ nose is buried in a stack of papers and oh doesn’t he just look lovely when he’s concentrating.
~*~
Time is working against them. The hours seem to tick by faster than any minute and the minutes go by faster than a second. Regulus scans the room and sees everyone hard at work, trying to find some way he can be saved. No one seems to have lost hope yet and Regulus isn’t sure what he did to deserve this. To have so many people fighting by his side no matter how many mistakes he’s made along the way.
Regulus flips through his stack of papers, trying to determine which ones are his best works. He just needs to find a few where his words really shine through the page, a demonstration of all he’s learned in James’ classes. The Judge will be hearing the character witness testimonies but having physical proof of Regulus’ thought processes and how much he’s learned will really push their case forward. At least that’s what Evan seems to think.
There are so many papers to look through, homework assignments James gave, quizzes, essays, and notes. Each piece focusing on different philosophers or concepts. Some of the writings have nothing to do with ethics and morals but are more foundational. Like one paper Regulus wrote giving a detailed description of the timeline of notable philosophers and how they connect, who taught who. Having to sort through everything is a nightmare.
If Regulus had gone to a normal school, a month worth of homework and essays would be easy to get through. He was living with his teacher. They worked during all hours of the day, everyday. Before everything started falling apart there was rarely a time when Regulus wasn’t immersed in the world of philosophy in some form.
Regulus is drawn away from his searching when he hears Peter snort and break out in laughter across the desk. Regulus looks up to see what’s so funny. Peter is holding one of Regulus’ papers. A tickle of self-consciousness crosses through Regulus. Some of the things he wrote were a little more personal than he would like for people like Peter and Dorcas to see. Regulus wants to reach over and grab the paper from Peter’s hands, tearing it up into pieces if it’s going to make Peter laugh like that.
Peter looks up at Regulus with a large smile, “Regulus you didn’t actually write- what is this? One, two, three, four- Four pages on this one quote.”
Dorcas leans over to look at the papers Peter is holding, “What was the quote?”
Peter clears his throat and straightens out the papers in his hands, “One who makes himself a worm cannot complain afterwards if people step on him.” Peter and Dorcas look at each other and it only takes two seconds for them to both break out into laughter. “Kant you genius.” Peter says as he smacks a kiss onto the top of the page. “I’m sure it took a lot of work for him to think that one up.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and returns to his own stack. He chances a glance upwards and sees James standing with a hand to his mouth, trying to hide the laughs that are trickling out. Regulus smiles and looks back down before he can be caught. He can feel James’ presence without having to turn his head. James leans down next to him so his mouth is against Regulus’ ear, “You never showed me that one.”
Regulus shrugs, “I do philosophy for fun sometimes. Plus here’s a lot of things I’ve never shown you,” He smirks and turns his head ever so slightly, his lips centimeters away from James’ own. “Lover.”
James' body flinches backwards at the term of endearment. It’s been a while since Regulus used it but he was fond of those small moments of watching James squirm when Regulus called him Lover. It has never seemed to make him uncomfortable, and many times it led to James slotting himself into a role when Regulus needed. Now however, there seems to be a different reaction taking place. Regulus eyes James curiously, “It was just a joke.”
James clears his throat and backs away, the air suddenly feeling empty next to Regulus, “Of course.” James looks Regulus up and down slowly and then quickly returns to his whiteboard and books.
“So what does it mean?” Peter asks from across the table. Regulus looks up confused so Peter points at the paper he’s still holding, “The quote?”
Regulus shrugs, “Read the essay if you want to know.” Peter’s eyes don’t leave and his smile stays put. Regulus hates him and sighs. “The breakdown is, if you make yourself small, you never stick up for yourself or let yourself be known, you can’t be surprised when people take advantage of you, because they will. If I remember right, in the paper I wrote about how sometimes when we yell and become loud presences in people’s lives, it can be a guise. Just because you are loud doesn’t mean you aren’t small, if people don’t actually know you.”
Peter cocks his head to the side, “Wouldn’t that stop people from walking all over you though? Being a loud presence I mean. From- If I dare say, squishing the worm?”
“Not necessarily.” James chimes in, “It’s a metaphor and there’s a lot of different meanings to be stepped on. Sometimes it’s letting people take advantage of you but other times it’s people ignoring your presence as they go about their lives. Becoming something so big can make people look right past you, the same as if you were a worm on the pavement of a busy street. I’d have to read the passage where Kant said that to figure out which one he was leaning towards but I don’t remember where that was.”
James turns to Regulus, “Do you remember where you read it?” Regulus shakes his head no as his thoughts begin to turn. Becoming something so big people look right past you . Sirius was always the loud one in life, and when he came to the Good Place, in order to blend in he quieted himself. That’s the main reason he was able to get away with everything. He hid away pieces of himself and tried to blend into the background of the chaos.
Regulus had done the opposite. In life Regulus was more quiet, not to be confused with timid and docile, but he enjoyed his part in the background of other people’s lives. When he came here, he became loud. He made friends, flaunted his soulmate, got in the good graces of the Architect, all in order to blend in and not be seen. He became something so big Evan was able to look right past him when everything was falling apart by the seams.
The day passes the same as the first. This time everyone is smart enough to intermittently grab snacks and water so they can work for longer. By the end Regulus has nearly every paper he has written for James memorizes from start to finish. He can recite the questions and answers in order of at least six quizzes he was given. His eyes are droopy and he’s having trouble keeping focus.
“Tired minds aren’t that different from drunk ones.” James says as he leans over, one hand on Regulus’ back.
“What’s that have to do with anything?” Regulus grumbles out through a yawn.
“Everyone else already left. Let’s get you home.” James rubs small circles into Regulus’ back as he guides the younger man out of his seat.
“When did they all leave?” He stretches his body, trying to reawaken his joints and mind, “We were supposed to be working till at least nine.”
James leads them both outside into the night. The moon is shining directly overhead casting a path on their way home. “Oh.” is all Regulus manages to say.
As they walk Regulus finds himself becoming more awake. His eyes sharpen as he takes in details of the night’s creatures. There is an owl hooting somewhere in the distance and as he cranes his neck in search of where the noise comes from, James laughs. Regulus feels his face flush. He quickly turns away from James despite the darkness hiding the close details of one another.
They walk in silence. Regulus feels his hand brush against the back of James’ own. If James notices he doesn’t make any indication. Regulus needs to get himself together. They are two men walking home, to different homes, under the moonlight, and that’s all there is to it. James doesn’t stop when they reach Sirius’ house. He continues to walk with Regulus to their home.
Regulus feels anticipation creeping through him. What is James doing? Regulus steps up to his front door with James right behind him. He expects James to follow but the older man makes no indication he plans on going any further. “Aren’t you going to come in?” Regulus asks.
James looks back at Regulus curiously. Regulus shrinks under the watchful eye. “Not tonight.” James says, “There’s something I want to talk with you about tomorrow if we can find the time.”
“Why not talk about it now?”
James smiles and lets out a huff of breath, shaking his head he says, “I’m still looking for the right words. Tomorrow though, tomorrow we’ll talk?”
Regulus looks James over, trying to figure out what’s going through James’ mind. All he sees is a timid smile and too many thoughts running rampant behind James’ eyes for any of them to make sense. Regulus nods his head. James wishes Regulus a good night and sweet dreams, Regulus returns the sentiment.
Regulus walks through his home in the dark, not wanting to risk waking Dorcas by turning on the light. He finds his way into his room and gets ready for bed. He changes his clothes and brushes his teeth. By the time he’s ready he is standing next to his bed, looking down at the blankets. He can’t find it in himself to submit to the night quite yet.
Quietly Regulus leaves his room and walks through his house, out the back door. The lake behind his house is chilling in the dark. Navy blue ripples of water ebb and flow around the shoreline. Regulus sits with his knees tucked under his chin as he takes in the sounds of the night.
His mind doesn’t wander as it usually would. Instead, he listens to the sound of the water moving, the chirping of crickets, an occasion hoot of an owl. The world is shutting down for the night, readying itself for a reset into a new day. Regulus looks up to the sky and to find his star, at the heart of the Leo constellation, the heart of the lion. He locates it quickly and moves to find Sirius. Normally it doesn’t take much effort to do so, but as Regulus’ eyes scan the sky he realizes it’s missing. The entire Canis Major constellation is just… gone.
“Care for some company?” Regulus turns around to find Barty standing only a few feet away from him. Regulus hasn’t spoken to Barty since last night when he found out about Sirius. Apparently Barty and Sirius had a talk this morning when they woke up. Sirius gave an overly detailed description of his existence in the Good Place and Barty listened to every word. Barty didn’t forgive Sirius but he did say he doesn’t plan on going to Evan anytime soon. Regulus nods his head and scoots over to make room for Barty to sit.
Barty takes the seat next to Regulus and looks out to the water, “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry about James.” Barty’s voice is quiet, just above a whisper with regret laced through, “I know I shouldn’t have done it but I was feeling really vulnerable and he was right there. He is the only one who could understand what I’m going through and it felt right.”
“What are you talking about?” Regulus asks.
Barty looks up to Regulus, eyes wide. “James didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what? Spit it out for fucksake.” Regulus tries to make his voice light and breezy, a joke. He doesn’t understand what’s going on and it’s his least favourite feeling. He doesn’t like being left alone in the dark and Barty is trying to tell him something happened with James. Regulus’ James.
Barty adjusts his body so he’s facing Regulus, “It was nothing really. James and I got together this morning. It didn’t get very far and there’s nothing to worry about. It’s clear how he feels but I thought he would have at least told you about it.”
Regulus snorts, “Must’ve been so unmemorable he forgot.” The instant the words leave he shuts his mouth. That was unnecessarily cruel. James is a grown adult who is allowed to do whatever and whoever he wants. Regulus has no sway in it and it’s fine. James was never Regulus’ actual soulmate, he was bound to find fun in other ways. Did it have to be with Barty?
“Ouch.” Barty winces but when he sees Regulus’ regret clear as day on his face, “Okay it was a fair hit.”
Regulus sighs, “No Barty. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. James was probably trying to respect your privacy or some noble shit like that.” Regulus looks back to the lake trying to make sense of James. Someone whose whole life seems like an open display, someone willing to share anything and everything and yet Regulus always feels like he’s playing catch up on James’ life.
“Yeah you’re right he is noble like that.” Barty matches Regulus’ position looking outwards. He purposefully avoids looking at Regulus when he asks, “Do you…do you have feelings for him?”
“Absolutely not.” Regulus says quickly. Barty gives Regulus a knowing look.
“Anything I feel is purely physical.” Regulus explains, “He’s hot obviously and extremely smart. He’s one of the kindest and most amazing people I’ve ever met. He’s never treated me like I’m stupid and has taught me everything I know about philosophy. You should hear the way he talks about Aristotle, he starts speaking really fast like he can’t get the words out quick enough. He has these moments though when he seems lost, in his own world or somewhere off in his mind. I’ve helped ground him a few times and he did the same for me just the other day. His eyes look smaller without his glasses and he’s actually jacked under all of those long shirts he’s always wearing. It’s like the sun shines down just so we can have the opportunity to lay our eyes on him.”
Barty looks at Regulus dumbfounded, “That isn’t feelings for him? I just made out with him this morning and I wouldn’t say half that stuff.”
“They’re just facts Barty.” Regulus rolls his eyes, “Nothing more than that.” They can never be anything more than that. James Fleamont Potter is an amazing and wonderful person and anything Regulus feels towards him is another thing to put James in danger. There’s a strong possibility that Regulus will end up going to the Bad Place, and ‘admitting’ to any feelings Regulus does or does not have towards James would only complicate things.
“Uh-huh. Sure.” Barty says monotonely, “If you had to put a word to it what would it be?”
“What James and I have is a strong forced-friendship.” Regulus says with a nod of his head. Regulus and James were forced to be together and from their proximity they were bound to become friends. From there any feelings that could have but did not develop only came about because they were so close. James is Regulus’ saviour and Regulus will not be the kind of guy who falls for the hero at the end of the story.
“What about Sirius then?” Barty asks. The change in conversation topic is welcome if not confusing.
“What about him? He’s just my brother. Doesn’t mean anything to me though.” Regulus explains.
“I still can’t believe that I didn’t realize you two were related.” Barty rubs his eyes harshly with the palm of his hands, and Regulus lets out a little laugh.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. It took James a minute and that was only after hearing about our childhoods and then he realized we have the same last name. Plus Evan still doesn’t know. If you’re not looking for something it can be hard to find.”
“Wise words.” Barty nods.
“I had a good teacher.”
“Strong forced friendship.” Barty mutters under his breath.
They sit together for a while. Minutes tick by in the settling silence. Regulus is about ready to go back inside and try to get at least a few hours sleep before the next day when Barty asks, “So what’s next?”
Regulus cocks an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”
“Are we going to spend tomorrow looking for more reasons for you to stay?”
Regulus sighs. He has spent the past few days trying to come up with a better plan on top of working on the one that’s currently going on. So far, he’s come up blank on what else he could possibly do. “I think so. No one else has come up with any better ideas.”
Barty thinks on that for a moment. He taps the side of his cheek with his index finger, “What if instead of looking for a reason for you to stay, we make one?”
Regulus shakes his head in confusion, “Make one?”
“Humans earn points on Earth for every action we do, right? Positive or negative? What if we take your point total that you died with and try to have you earn more points while you’re here?”
“We only have one more day. He’s coming tomorrow night.”
Barty throws his hands up, “Call it a last ditch effort then. One day to show that you belong here. If we mix the testimonies with your homework assignments and then numerical data to add on top of it, it would be a solid case.” Barty speaks his plan with so much confidence, Regulus finds some of it radiating off into himself.
“Do you really think that could work?” He tries to not sound too hopeful, knowing that all of his plans have somehow backfired on him from the moment he stepped foot in this place.
“I have no idea. Isn’t it worth a try?” Barty gives Regulus a smile and Regulus nods his head in approval.
“When’d you get so smart?”
“Somewhere between realizing you have a brother and making out with James.” Barty’s smirk is met with a glare. He holds his hands up in defense, “Just kidding, just kidding. At the charity I worked at I was in charge of getting organizations and wealthy families to donate money, it’s the same kind of thing if you think about it.”
“You never really talk about your life on Earth.” Regulus looks Barty over curiously. He knows quite a bit about Barty, but it’s mainly about the Barty that exists here. Barty has avoided talking about his life on Earth since Regulus asked him all of those stupid questions weeks ago in the arcade. Maybe Regulus put Barty off from speaking about it. Another trickle of guilt makes its way through Regulus.
“There’s not much to tell.” Barty pulls his knees under his chin, “I died really young.”
“That seems to be the theme amongst us.” Regulus waves a hand in the air to indicate himself and all of his friends, “All died too young. That doesn’t mean you didn’t have a life. If you ever feel up for talking about it you’re welcome to come to me.”
Barty’s eyebrows raise and a corner of his mouth upticks, “When’d you get so nice?” He asks skeptically.
“Somewhere between realizing my brother was here and you making out with James.”
“Touche.”
They part ways minutes later, deciding that rest is going to be more important than any further conversation tonight. When Barty leaves, Regulus asks one more thing of his friend, “Forgive Sirius please. It doesn’t have to be right now or next week, but eventually.” Barty nods his head and says that he’ll think about it.
Regulus climbs into bed and pulls Leo close to his chest. Exhaustion overtakes him the moment his head rests against his pillow. He falls asleep stroking the black fur and thinking of Barty.
Notes:
I was listening to what James had to say and he said he’s Demisexual. He said I could tell you guys so this is him coming out
Some good news, I am nearly finished with writing the rest of Part 1! And the amount of RESTRAINT I am exhibiting by not posting it all needs to be studied because I am being so strong with this y’all and I am so bad at keeping secrets you don’t UNDERSTAND. One day y’all are going to come to the A/N and I’m just going to explain the whole fic to you
I have been a writing machine lately and my hope is that by the time Part 2 comes around I can start updating 2 times a week but we’ll see, no promises quite yet but I shall keep you updated if the posting schedule changes!
Chapter 15: Freedom of Choice
Notes:
No warnings once again but this time I’m more confident about that. Just the constant looming threat of being tortured for eternity. The usual
If I am missing something, please let me know!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
There is no such thing as freedom of choice, unless there is freedom to refuse. - David Hume
***
“Can you explain it to me one more time? Just to make sure I’m understanding you correctly?”
Regulus refrains from rolling his eyes but does as Evan asks of him. “We look at the total number of good person points I had when I died. From there I can go around the neighborhood performing good deeds for the residents, holding doors open for them, picking up trash, whatever it is. Then we take the points I would earn from those actions and apply them to my total. When the Judge gets here we can see what the new total is and use that as part of my case as to why I should be able to stay.”
Regulus had met with Barty the morning after their rendezvous at the lake to discuss the logistics of the idea. It isn’t Regulus’ favourite idea by any means, but it’s better than any ideas he has, which is to say, none at all. At least Barty was trying to find alternative ways to help Regulus out in case everything goes sideways in a few hours when the Judge arrives. Everyone else seemed to have one idea and stuck with it since. The more angles they have to present to the Judge, the more likely the Judge will rule in Regulus’ favour.
Evan sighs, and the look on his face tells Regulus everything he needs to know. “I just don’t see how that could work.” He says, pain laced through his voice as if it physically hurts him to say the words.
Regulus turns to look at Barty who’s standing behind him. They hadn’t told anyone else of their idea, in case Evan disapproved of it from the beginning, so it’s only the two of them standing in front of Evan’s desk just past dawn. Barty stands with his arms folded across his chest. His eyes are hooded and his expression is a mix between bored and pissed off. It can’t be easy for him to think he had such a great idea just for it to be shut down so quickly.
“I don’t think you understand the plan fully.” Barty says chidingly with a tilt of his head to show how much he hates Evan’s lack of belief in the plan. “This is a great way to show how Regulus is capable of being good. If you give us the opportunity, we can make it work. We just need you to run the numbers or we can ask Remus to do it.”
Evan slumps back into his chair, “I’m afraid it’s not as simple as that. Only the accountants keep track of the point totals. I have the number you died with Regulus and what you did to earn that total but I don’t have the ability to look up how much each action you do is worth. Even if there was some magical counter we could get that could track how your points change, there’s not enough time. We’re expecting the Judge to be here before the end of the day. You can’t commit a lifetime of good deeds in a few hours.”
Regulus rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. He gave himself far too much hope, or misplaced hope in Barty, that this was something they’d be able to do. He knew a few hours wouldn’t be enough time. He wasn’t looking to match the point totals of the people who earned their places here, but he wanted to show, through the numbers, that he could earn his spot, he could get the points.
“How long do we have?” Regulus asks.
Evan glances out the window to the outside world, “I imagine he’ll be here around sundown given how long it takes to get here from the neutral zone. We have probably twelve hours.”
There is a silence that hangs heavy in the room as thoughts begin to turn. Regulus supposes he’ll have to hope James, Peter, or Dorcas were able to find something in one of their books or through their interviews that will be able to save him. They don’t have long.
As if reading Regulus’ mind, Evan breaks the quiet, “Hope isn’t lost Regulus. I’ve been reading through the assignments you did for James’ classes and I see real potential here. You may not be able to earn points now but it’s clear how much your mind has changed through your time in the Good Place. If we show your work to the Judge, I believe he may decide in our favour.”
“What about all the other work we did? Dorcas and Peter building a case and James’ philosophy angle?” Regulus asks. He doesn’t want to sit here and accept his fate without any say in the matter. There has to be more than one way they can try and fight for him to be able to stay. He doesn’t understand how Evan could think that showing some papers he wrote could possibly sway the mind of an all-knowing judge. There’s no way that would be enough.
Evan gives a dejected smile, as if he’s already given up and has accepted Regulus’ time is over, “I have never spoken to the Judge personally, I’ve only ever seen him but he is not a forgiving man because it’s not in his nature to do so. If he finds out about all of the problems you’ve caused while here, any good acts that follow may not outweigh the bad ones. But this? These papers right here are physical proof of how your mind has changed, how you’ve grown.”
“Earning the points would also be physical proof,” Barty sneers from his corner of the room. Evan shoots him a glare.
“As I have said Barty, we don’t have time for that idiotic plan.”
Barty rolls his eyes and returns back to his silent moping after muttering something incoherent under his breath. Regulus doesn’t think any of the words were kind ones.
The tension in the room is palpable. Dejectedly, Regulus dismisses himself from Evan’s office. Barty follows behind him after a moment. Regulus briefly worries what Barty would be willing to say to Evan in Regulus' defense without Regulus around to intermediate. They don’t have time for this drama. Fighting against one another will get them nowhere. If Regulus is going to prove that he belongs here, he needs everyone on his team working together, not bickering over what the best method of absolving him of his crimes will be.
There’s only one person out there in this world that has a semblance of understanding when it comes to his situation. He doesn’t want to go to Sirius and ask for his advice on what he should do, what he should be putting his energy towards, but he does want someone who will listen without offering him solutions.
Regulus’ mind pulls in two different directions. Barty’s version of events would be the best case Regulus could possibly make, a numerical proof that Regulus has the ability to be good, and he is actively doing it. Evan’s route also leads to physical proof and it’s something they already have, but it’s nothing more than words on paper. Anyone can write a philosophical argument for something they don’t believe in, surely Evan can see that. Just because Regulus said it in an assigned essay he was given doesn’t mean he believes in any of it.
Barty and Regulus walk side by side until they reach the edge of the neighborhood center, right before the houses begin to have distance between one another. Regulus turns to Barty and says, “I need to talk with Sirius for a bit.”
Barty perks up, “Great. Let’s go.” and starts to walk towards their homes. Regulus grabs onto his hand and turns Barty around.
Regulus tells him, “I need to speak with him alone.” and Barty instantly deflates. “It has nothing to do with your idea. I just need to talk to someone who understands what I’m going through.”
Barty’s face contorts into irritation at Regulus’ words. “Understands you?” He hisses out. “He doesn’t understand you. He’s hiding away while you take the fall for everything. He may have the same status as you sure but he does not understand you.” Barty grips onto Regulus’ arm, “He has James and Remus and you all protecting him from suffering the same fate as you. As long as Evan thinks he belongs here he will never understand you.”
“And what? You do?” Regulus snaps.
“Yes!” Barty yells. Residents walking by, onlookers to their breakdowns turn their heads in search of the scream. Regulus stumbles back in confusion but doesn’t make it far due to the hand that is held firmly in place on his arm.
“What are you talking about?” Regulus asks in a whisper, somewhere between careful, confused, and irate. Barty lets go of Regulus' arm. He takes one look at their surroundings and storms off without another word.
~*~
Sirius closes the door to James' bedroom, clicking the lock behind him. James sits on his bed, his hands in his lap and a sadness overtaken him. Sirius and James are two linked creatures, always in sync with one another. When Sirius said that he needed to speak with James privately, that it was important and for James’ ears only, Sirius knew that James knew what was to come.
Sirius turns towards James and offers a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. James takes a deep breath, “Might as well get on with it. There’s no use in dragging out what you’re gonna say.”
Sirius walks over to the bed and sits. His thigh touches James’ own. Sirius lightly bumps his shoulder into James but he knows there’s nothing he can do that will save the sadness to come from this moment.
Sirius looks down at his hands and fiddles with the silver rings on his fingers, three on his left hand, two on the right. They were once part of a matching set of five others. He takes a deep breath and looks up to the ceiling that casts the morning light’s rays. If he doesn’t have to look at James maybe that would make it easier to speak. James deserves better than that, so Sirius forces himself to look towards his best friend.
“Evan said the Judge is coming before the end of the day today. I honestly don’t think the whole thing is going to take very long and if Regulus is ruled against and is sent away,” He tries to meet James’ eyes but James stares at the floor, an unwilling acceptance of Sirius’ next words, “I’m going to turn myself in.”
James doesn’t react harshly. There are no flinches in his reaction, no cries out for Sirius to say otherwise, only a deep sigh, a reassurance to Sirius that James felt that this was coming all along, and an understanding that there’s nothing he can do to change the fate Sirius has decided for himself.
James looks up and for the first time since the bedroom door was shut, looks to Sirius fully. James’ knee bounces causing a slight tremor in the bed and his hands tighten in their careful fold on his lap. He bites his lip before he speaks, “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without both of you here.” There are cracks in his voice.
“What’s one month in an eternity?” Sirius asks with a light laugh to his words, “You’ll probably forget everything about our time here in a few centuries. It will hurt at first but eventually you’ll forget us and you can be at peace.” He tries to sound reassuring, letting James know that it’s okay to forget.
James looks heartbroken by the idea, “I don’t want to forget any of this. Was it terrible and miserable? Of course it was but I love both of you and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to leave thinking I’ll forget about you.”
Sirius bites the inside of his cheek, trying to find the right words to say. “It would make it better for me if you would.” He turns towards James and tries to let his words seep into James’ mind, buried in the muddle of James’ thoughts. “I don’t want to think about you being here miserable because you can’t get two fuck ups out of your head. You’ll still have Remus and Barty, Peter, Evan and Dorcas. Care about them. Go love them.”
There’s nothing else to say on the matter. James knows why Sirius is choosing this path for himself. He can’t let his brother go again so easily. He can’t live the rest of his eternity out knowing that his brother is off suffering the consequences of a life they both lived.
“We still have the rest of today.” James says, hope laced within his words, a plea that the day may never end, that the Judge won’t ever come knocking on their door and rip them apart.
Sirius shakes his head slowly, “This is me saying goodbye now.”
Again, James’ constraint at remaining put together breaks. His entire face falls at the realization as to why Sirius is telling him all of this now and not later.
“I wanted to say goodbye to you privately.” Sirius explains. “I’m going to spend the rest of the day with Reggie if he’ll let me. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not giving up yet. I’m just trying to be prepared for the worst.”
James reaches forward and pulls Sirius in close. Sirius nestles his face into the crook of James’ neck, taking in the scent of his long lost brother. They hold onto each other tightly, not wanting to break the bond that has formed between the both of them, afraid that the wrong move will cause a severance. “What about all of the stuff you worked on with Barty and Evan?” James asks.
Sirius holds on tighter as he answers, “We couldn’t find anything that would work. Everyone kept saying that they were hopeful but they aren’t very good at lying. We combed through his life. It felt wrong, like an invasion of his privacy. I left him, I don’t deserve to know what he went through but now I know.” Sirius feels tears forming in his eyes and he doesn’t try to restrain them from falling, “It was so bad James. So bad.” Between deep breaths a few more cracked and broken words manage to break through his cries, “I know how he died. It was my fault.”
James grips onto Sirius’ back, a pressure deep enough to leave bruises. If the marks do come, if they bloom like ten blue and black flowers along his back he will love and cherish them because they would be the first marks ever made on his body in the name of love and care and not hate. The marks that tell a story of a man who was at one point in time loved in both the most tender and harshest ways, even if he could not keep it.
Sirius pulls back first. It is with the strength of ten thousand men that allows him to do so. James cups Sirius’ face with both hands. “I love you and I will never forget you.” He places a tender kiss on Sirius’ forehead. Sirius lets himself be loved.
“I love you too.” Sirius says. Their time together after is short lived. Sirius has places to be and people to see. He has a brother he has to try and spend every last moment with as he can and he will not waste the opportunity this time.
Sirius isn’t sure where Regulus is holding up. The neighborhood is large and expands for miles. For all he knows his brother has run off into the woods to hide out in what might be his last remaining hours. There is only one person that will know for certain where Regulus is, and it just so happens to be another person Sirius wants to say goodbye to.
Sirius walks over to his house, climbs the stairs up to his bedroom, crawls out through the window and sits on the roof. He presses his back against the cool glass. It’s just past morning, not quite yet midday, but the sun is already beating down from its place in the sky. Sirius regrets not doing this sooner, last night while the moon was shining overhead instead.
He whispers Remus’ name, letting the sound be carried by the wind into the void of space and time. He hears the faint ping and Remus is sitting next to him, so close they nearly touch. Sirius wants to reach out, to grab the man he’s been longing after from the second he arrived. He wants to hold Remus close and freeze the moment so they can experience their own pocket of eternity.
“You’re leaving.” Remus says. It is not a question but a fact. A breath of life into the concept and a displeasure at knowing it to be true.
Sirius nods his head solemnly, “I am.” He looks over to Remus, “And when did you start smooshing your words together?”
“I have noticed I change my mannerisms the more I’m around humans. Do you hate it?” Remus asks, a bit of worry finds its way into his tone. He cares what Sirius thinks, and he worries Sirius doesn’t like who he’s becoming.
Sirius smiles and reaches up, tucking a stray piece of hair blown by the faint breeze back behind Remus’ ear. “It’s human to change.” Remus looks like he wants to object, make some comment about how he’s not human, but he stays silent. “Can’t say I won’t miss it though. You’re cute when you talk all proper, but I guess I can love this version of you too.”
Remus tilts his head to the side, confusion shown throughout him, one of Sirius’ favourite looks on him. “You love me?” Remus asks.
Sirius holds back a laugh. A being that knows every fact about the world before him, unknowing that to Sirius, he is the entire universe. “I do.” He says. He’s never told anyone outside of friends that he loves them. Sirius and Neil had never said those three small words to one another. They were words to describe something bigger than what they had. He had loved Neil, but he was never in love with him. With Remus, Sirius says it with his full chest, with his entire heart and it comes easily. “I love you Remus.”
Remus reaches forward and grabs Sirius by the front of his shirt and pulls. He crashes into Sirius' mouth with his own, and Sirius moves on instinct. Remus tastes like the universe. Flowers, fruits, smoke, life, all entangled into his mouth as Sirius kisses him. Sirius pushes everything he feels for Remus into the kiss. The longing he’s felt for weeks, possibly his entire life, the thirst for more, the softness of late night conversations, the joy in the ability to be who he is entirely, the heartbreak of knowing it’s going to end.
Remus kisses him back with a hunger for all of who Sirius is and Sirius lets him take it. He will break himself down into his smallest components and feed them to Remus one by one. He will answer every question Remus has ever wanted to ask. He will tell every story Remus wants to hear. He will give Remus back his knowledge in any way he can and it is through this kiss that Sirius attempts to do it. He is a silver platter offering up himself entirely and he lets himself be picked over, taken, and devoured whole.
Remus is the first to break away. Out of breath they rest their foreheads against one another and Sirius tries to find his ways back to this world. “I still don’t have everything.” Remus says, “But I do know I am not supposed to feel towards a human what I feel for you.” Sirius takes in a sharp inhale of air. Remus lets out a small chuckle, pride in the way he can get Sirius to react seeping through him. “I love you too. I don’t think I had the ability to love before you, but from all I know, I am sure that is what this feeling is.”
Sirius feels the prickles of tears returning to his eyes. He holds onto the back of Remus’ hair, wishing that being here with Remus, hearing those words would be enough to keep him here. “I’m sorry I have to go.” Sirius whispers. “I can’t leave Reggie.”
Remus reaches up and wipes Sirius’ cheek, ridding away a tear that has fallen. “What if you didn’t have to?” He asks.
Sirius shakes his head, a small rocking against Remus’ own. He squeezes his eyes shut, “There’s no other choice. If he gets sent to the Bad Place I can’t stay. I can’t do it.”
Remus leans backwards, parting himself from Sirius. Sirius lets out a small whine from the loss of contact. Remus cradles Sirius face, gently holding onto him as if he were the most precious thing in the world, something to be cherished and handled carefully. Remus bites his bottom lip in a nervous gesture. Sirius restrains himself from pulling Remus back in, and biting the lip himself. “What would you say if I told you there was another way?”
Sirius is broken from his trance at the words. He lets out a small shake of his head, confusion overtaking him. “What do you mean?”
Remus sighs and drops his hands into his lap. Sirius reaches out and grabs one of Remus’ hands with his own, refusing to let their touches end just yet. Sirius can see the thoughts turning through Remus’ mind, a careful decision on which words to say next, “There is a place you could run to.”
Sirius feels his heart begin to beat faster, his body warming in anticipation, his lungs forget how to work properly. “Darling, what are you talking about?”
“There is a woman,” Remus says, his words precise and measured, “who lives outside of both the Bad Place and the Good Place. She lives in a neutral zone, a Medium Place. She’s the only one there but it’s possible to get to her with the train. No one from the Good or Bad Place is allowed to go there. You and Regulus could run, and you would be safe.”
It sounds too good to be true. Sirius is no stranger to the idea of running away from his problems, his sixteen year old self mastered the concept but this is outside the bounds of anything he could imagine. “Are-are you sure? This is a real thing?” He tries to not let his hopes bound out of his chest but they are fighting to break free.
Remus smiles at him and Sirius remembers Remus doesn’t have the ability to lie, not to him. If Remus says it’s real, that there is a place they can run off to, then it’s out there. They can escape and be free from the Bad Place, from the fear of not being good enough for the Good Place. Then Sirius remembers one of the best parts of this plan, there’s only one person who can operate the trains in the neighborhood. “You’d come with us?” Sirius asks, unsure of why he’s so nervous for an answer that should be obvious.
Remus leans in and kisses Sirius softly. Sirius melts into it and when Remus pulls away Sirius finds his body instinctively leaning forward. “Of course Sweetheart.” Sirius blushes at the name. He lurches forward and grabs Remus by the back of the neck, pulling him in close and kisses him deeply. He lets himself enjoy this moment for all it is, the beginning of something new, of possibilities that now feel endless, a plan to save them all.
Sirius breaks the kiss as quickly as he started it. “I have to go tell Reggie!” He yells, a smile beaming from his mouth and excitement trembling through him. He all but scrambles off the roof and into his bedroom, leaving a chuckling Remus behind.
~*~
Regulus walks around the neighborhood aimlessly, unsure of what he’s doing or where he should be going. He finds himself among trees he doesn’t recognize, far from the walking path of the forest. He wanted to find Sirius to bounce ideas off of, but after talking to Barty, he needs a moment alone to reorganize his thoughts.
Evan says he should give up on trying to be better, show how much he’s improved through pen and paper but Regulus feels deep in his gut that it won’t be enough. Regulus wishes he could borrow a bit of Evan’s confidence for himself, that he too could believe as strongly that homework assignments and essays could show the kind of person he’s become.
Then there’s Barty, who thinks the opposite and is encouraging Regulus to ignore everything Evan said, to try and better himself not through words but with numbers. It’s not even a real possibility but maybe Barty has a point, maybe there’s another way they could go about it.
Regulus grapples with his thoughts, trying to decide who he should follow. Evan, the architect of the neighborhood, with more knowledge of this world than any of them could hope to possess, or Barty, someone who has seen firsthand the way Regulus’ mind works and what lies beneath.
Despite wanting to be alone, Sirius finds Regulus all the same. He bounds behind Regulus and throws an arm over his shoulder. Glee radiates off his brother and Regulus feels the flicker of irritation already sparking within him. “Why are you so happy?” He grumbles as he throws Sirius’ arm off his shoulder.
Sirius walks beside him, putting his hands into his pockets and strolling casually as if Regulus isn’t doomed to be tortured within the coming hours. “Well little brother I am so happy because I just made out with one Remus- Oh. He doesn’t have a last name, does he?” Sirius waves his hand dismissively, “I’ll give him mine if he wants one.”
Regulus stops in his tracks, “Remus?” He asks with an arched brow.
“Yeah?” Sirius says as if Regulus is stupid for even asking, “I mean if he doesn’t want a last name he doesn’t have to have one. It would be nice though to have a full name to scold him with or something.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, and promptly slaps his brother over the head. “Idiot. I was talking about the part where you made out with him. You kept acting like you were going to keep your distance so Evan doesn’t catch you.”
Sirius rubs the back of his head but the smile never fades from his face. “Oh yeah that part.” His face melts into one of adoration. Regulus is going to be sick. He’ll aim for Sirius’ shoes. Sirius quickly snaps back into reality from whatever world he travelled to in his mind, “I told him I love him and then he kissed me and told me he loves me.”
Of all of the people Sirius could have fallen for in the neighborhood, it seems only fitting that it was the one person that is not a person. Regulus tries to feel some kind of happiness for his brother, but the threats that are looming over his head outweigh everything else. “Good for you.” Is all he manages to say, far more monotone than he intended.
Sirius steps in front of Regulus, blocking his path from moving forward. “And then after that-”
Regulus holds up his hand to stop his brother from speaking, “Please. I do not want to know.”
Sirius smirks, “Oh I think you’ll want to know this part.” Regulus is surprised his head doesn’t hurt from how much he finds his eyes rolling when he’s around Sirius. He crosses his arms against his chest and gestures to Sirius to reluctantly continue. “Afterwards he told me about a place that exists that’s not the Good Place and it’s not the Bad Place.”
Regulus’ arms drop to his side. His jaw slightly lowers and he tries to make sense of what Sirius is saying. Sirius keeps speaking, “There’s a Medium Place Reggie. Remus said he’ll take us there. The people from the Bad Place aren’t allowed to go there so we can’t be followed. We can escape.”
“No.” Regulus says, quietly, quickly. It is not an unacceptance that the Medium Place exists, but a dismissal of leaving. “I can’t go.” He looks down to the ground to avoid his brother’s confused looks.
“Why not?” Sirius asks through a crack in his voice.
“I can’t leave.” Regulus says. “I won’t go.” More resolutely. He doesn’t want to explain his answer. He doesn’t want to tell Sirius that his feet are tired from all of the running he’s done.
“We can leave. It’s your only hope.” Sirius says again, as if saying it more times will somehow convince Regulus that this is something they can actually do. “You’re free to choose what you want to do here Reggie but this is our chance. This is our way out!” Sirius sounds excited and hopeful which only angers Regulus.
“I’m not leaving!” He snaps. A bird within the trees flies away from the sound. The anger is lit profusely within him. He’s sick and tired of being told what to do. “Don’t you understand there is no freedom of choice here! Everyone keeps pushing their decisions on me. Everyone’s already decided my fate.” He says all the words he’s been thinking out loud. “Evan is telling me I was never good enough and I need to show how much I’ve grown. Barty’s telling me to ignore Evan because his idea’s best. You’re telling me to run away! I’m sick and tired of running! I’ve done it all my life and I won’t do it anymore. I won’t leave them behind to clean up the mess that I made for myself.”
Sirius takes a step back, “So that’s it then?” He says with disgust and disbelief, “You’re just giving up? Accepting your fate? Accepting that you could very well be in the Bad Place being tortured by tomorrow?”
“If you’re put at a crossroads but told one path has a cliff you must walk off, there is no choice, only the illusion of it. You don’t get to decide, the decision has already been made for you. I don’t have a choice here.” He pleads for Sirius to understand. It’s not a giving up but a toleration of what is to come, “Everyone’s already decided I’m guilty.”
Sirius reaches out to hold onto Regulus but Regulus jerks his body away, refusing to be held down. “This is how you avoid the cliff! Surpass the verdict! Come with me and Remus.”
“To what?” Regulus asks as he takes a step backwards, away from Sirius and into the forest. “To go to another unknown place and live in fear for the day they come for us? Because they will come for us. You leaving is an admission of guilt and we’ll both be fucked Sirius. That’s what we are. Fucked. There’s no escaping this.”
Sirius looks heartbroken but Regulus continues. He’s made up his mind and if he keeps speaking he may even be able to convince himself that the words are true, that he believes them. “I get that you want this to all work out and have this have some kind of happy ending but that isn’t what’s going to happen. This isn’t one of those stories you told me when we were kids where we could run off together and live out the rest of our days with smiles and rainbows. This is real fucking life and you need to stop pretending that you have any control over the things around you. I gave up a long time ago. My entire life was decided for me and now my afterlife has been more of the same. I’m done fighting it. I’m done pretending that I will ever have a say in my own fate.”
“Reggie please.” Sirius begs. There are tears in his eyes and he looks one small breeze away from toppling over, “There’s no other choice.”
Regulus stands up straighter, “There is.” He says more confidently than he feels, “The cliff.” He turns and leaves his brother behind in the forest.
~*~
James scribbles down a quote from Aristotle into his notebook. The book is nearly full with how much he has written in it. The pages are slowly falling out, ripping away from the binding. He presses his pen to the paper and finishes marking down the last few words. The cap of the pen sits in between his teeth, slowly degrading from how much he’s gnawing on it.
He’s sitting on the floor in the living room of his and Regulus’ house, with his back pressed against the couch. Everyone else is out today, working on their own ways to save Regulus. The quiet is nice, it allows for a focus James often can’t find. He toys with the pen cap with his tongue and teeth as he examines the latest page of his endless stream of notes. He’s almost there, he can feel it. Just one more book, one more concept or lesson and he’ll have the answer.
His socked foot taps against the floor, a rhythmic motion his body finds comforting. He glances around the empty room and wonders if being alone was truly the best idea. Maybe he should be spending the day with Regulus in case everything goes wrong, but nothing will go wrong if he can just find what he’s looking for. The answers are in here somewhere he just needs to look a little harder.
James is hopeful. He grew up being a hopeful kid, even if it was ripped away from him at an early age. Since arriving here, he’s found that hope doesn’t have to be bitter. It doesn’t have to lead to heartbreak and disaster, it can lead to good things. Hope has brought him to Regulus and Sirius, and it brought the brothers together even if it was through some twisted fate. Hope won’t be enough to save Regulus but James believes it may help. They can’t give up yet.
As if he can read James’ thoughts, and on some level James thinks he can, Regulus comes tumbling through the front door. He looks haggard and lost. James wants to reach out, pull Regulus close and ask him what’s wrong but that question is too big and encompasses too many things right now.
Regulus steps fully into the living room and looks over James’ display of books and notes. He lets out a huff of air and then takes a seat next to James. He sits closely, very closely. Their bodies pressed firmly next to one another. James goes tense, not sure how he should react or if he should say anything. Regulus rests his head on James’ shoulder, and James relaxes. James presses his cheek to the top of Regulus’ head and he notices that his leg has stopped shaking.
“I’m so tired James.” Regulus says, the defeat clear in his voice. James gets it. It’s not a tiredness that can be fixed by any amount of sleep but one that’s deeper. So much has been happening in the past few days that if they could just pause the world for a few moments to catch their breaths it would be so much easier to make it to the end.
James looks down and makes a definitive decision. He reaches for Regulus’ hand and holds onto it with his own, squeezing it once tightly to show he’s here. Regulus returns the gesture, and James finds himself hiding his smile into Regulus’ hair.
“I talked with Evan and Barty today.” Regulus says, and James tunes in not just because he realizes what Regulus is about to say is important but because he can’t help but want to hear everything Regulus deems worthy to share. “Barty had this grand idea to show that I belong by having me earn points to help the case. We took it to Evan and he basically laughed us out of there saying how it wouldn’t work. Then Evan tells me that I just need to show my homework assignments to this judge guy and everything will be fine.”
James idly rubs circles into the back of Regulus’ hand, trying to ease away all that’s going on in Regulus’ mind. “You don’t believe him?” James asks.
Regulus snorts causing his head to push into James’ cheek, “Not for a second. It seems like everyone is trying to make decisions for me. They’re all telling me what the best way to go about it is and I know everyone means well but it’s just- well it’s a lot.”
“Well what is it you want?” James asks. Regulus slowly pulls away from James’ side to look at him. Worried that he’s said something wrong, James’ eyes widen and he stops breathing in the hope that somehow that will fix whatever mistake he’s just made.
“No one’s asked me that.” Regulus says softly. James notices Regulus’ eyes drift down to his lips and James feels a flush overtaking him. “No one’s asked if I even want to stay. They keep insisting that they have the answer and keep shoving it in my face. They say that if only I did X, Y, or Z, then we’d have a clear case. That what I did on Earth and what I did here was never good enough.”
James’ heart begins to beat quickly. Worry and fear dance together inside of him. That isn’t what he meant when he asked Regulus what he wanted. He doesn’t care if it’s selfish, he doesn’t want Regulus to go, even if it’s what Regulus wants. He wants both of the Black brothers to stay here with him and help him make sense of this afterlife world. He doesn’t want to go on without them. He doesn’t know how he can.
James wants to tell Regulus that he’s close. He almost has the answer and he thinks he can find the right words before the Judge comes. He wants to say that he’s holding out hope for the both of them because it doesn’t seem like Regulus can bear any more right now.
James hides away these thoughts, refusing to voice them out loud. It’s not his place to make decisions for Regulus. It wouldn’t be right to try and force Regulus to go one way or another, when so many people are already pulling him to shreds. James stays silent. The quiet goes on with two men looking at each other, no words exchanged because there is nothing to say. Regulus slowly slinks back into James’ side.
“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” Regulus whispers. James barely hears the words but he nods in agreement. Regulus has learned and grown so much in such a short amount of time and James has felt the subtle ways that he’s changed as well, more daring and willing to take risks. “Just a few weeks ago you were saying I wasn’t worth it and now you’re practically drowning in books trying to save me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a change of mindset.”
James takes pause. It’s his turn to pull away and look at Regulus incredulously. “What are you talking about?” James asks. “I never said that.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow as if it should be obvious. “On one of our first days here when we got into that really big fight? You were yelling and mad, which is completely valid, I was being a dick, but you said ‘I won’t help you in keeping your secret. You’re not worth it.’”
James tries to think back to that day. His mind was filled with anger at Regulus for causing the trash storm, for lying and breaking promises. He was angry, sure, but that isn’t what he said, and he lets Regulus know it. “Reg I said it’s not worth it. I know it’s not much better but I never said you weren’t worth it.”
“It’s okay to admit to saying mean things James.” Regulus says gently. “You were mad. Trust me I’ve said way worse stuff when pissed off but I clearly remember it.”
“Oh.” Is all James can manage to say. Maybe he did say those cruel things to Regulus even if he doesn’t remember doing so. If he did, he didn’t mean it. It was said in a fit of rage and frustration not with belief. It’s not an excuse but it is an explanation. “I’m sorry.”
Regulus waves a hand dismissively, “I deserved it. Besides, I didn’t say it to make you feel bad or anything, just to point out how much we’ve grown.”
James replays that day in his mind, wondering how he could have said something so mean, even if it was through anger. He’s still not quite sure that he really said it when Regulus says, “You said you wanted to talk with me about something?”
James continues to rub mindless circles into the back of Regulus’ hand. He watches the way the pad of his thumb glides smoothly against Regulus’ skin. “It’s not important.” He says. Regulus has been faced with far too many opinions today. James decides to not add to the burden. He could let Regulus know what he feels, about the feeling that has been steadily growing in him for weeks. Instead he decides that he will find a way to save Regulus from the Judge and he will tell Regulus tomorrow, because they will have a tomorrow together.
They continue to sit with one another, the sides of their bodies pressed together and hands intertwined. James itches to reach forward and continue his research, he’s only a page away he can feel it, but he doesn’t want to waste this moment. If fate is not on their side, he wants to know he enjoyed one of his last moments with Regulus. He will take this moment and cherish it. As the years of eternity pass by, he won’t be forgetting Regulus or Sirius, he’ll treasure these memories for all they are, good and bad. He’ll know that he gave it everything he could, and for a brief moment, however small it may have been, he’ll know he had Regulus.
~*~
Regulus’ next stop is one he’s dreading but secretly, he’s looking forward to. This is the one person in the entire neighborhood who has yet to see the bad parts of him, and for the bad parts they have seen, they’ve embraced him wholeheartedly and never judged him.
He finds Dorcas in the conference room they had been using for the past two days. Her nose is burried in a book when he enters the room. She’s a polite and kind person so the moment Regulus walks in, she closes the book and gives him her full attention. “What brings you here?” She asks cheerfully.
Regulus walks over to a chair next to her and sits down. Not a second later, Peter walks into the room with two coffees in his hand. He smiles at Regulus and passes Dorcas one of the cups. “I would’ve gotten you one too if I had known you were coming.” Peter says, taking a sip of his drink.
“It’s alright. Not a big fan of coffee anyways.” Regulus puts his elbow on the desk and rests his head in the palm of his hand. “I came to you for honesty. Seems like suddenly everyone’s lost theirs but I was hoping yours is intact.”
That perks up Peter, who quickly takes a seat across from Regulus, folding his hands on the table, waiting for what’s next. He then seems to realize that Regulus came for Dorcas. “Oh, did you want me to leave?” He asks, pointing at the door behind him.
Regulus sighs, “No it’s fine.” He moves his hand from under his chin and rubs his temple before returning to the position and explaining. “Do you think I have a chance of convincing the Judge that I should be able to stay?”
Dorcas looks at him with pity and Regulus wonders if he came to the wrong people. This is not what he wanted. “Regulus…”
“No. None of that.” He cuts her off. “I told you I need someone who's going to be honest with me here. I don’t care if it’s harsh, I asked the question. Everyone else for some reason is emotionally invested in my well being. They know me too well to face it objectively. I don’t think anything’s going to work.” He pauses for a moment, letting Peter and Dorcas take a moment to understand what he’s asking of them. “Do you?”
Dorcas looks to Peter and him to her. They exchange a look that says they’ve already discussed this very topic. Regulus can see the conclusion that they came to, it’s written all over their faces. There’s a relief in it, of knowing that he isn’t just being self-deprecating and pessimistic. Others see it too. Everyone may have faith in him, that he’s changed enough or that he has the ability to grow as a person, but that doesn’t change what’s already happened, and it certainly doesn’t change the way the system works.
“There’s never been anything like this before.” Dorcas says, “There’s no precedent that we can work from and the papers you wrote are really good but they’re words on a page. Anyone can say that they’ve changed and write it down.” She delivers the news carefully but as a fact. She doesn’t shy away from the truth of how she feels but she is delicate with the blow. Regulus respects her for it. This is what he needed.
Regulus tells them, “Barty had this idea that I could try and earn points here. I know it’s too late now but do you think that could have worked?” He wants reassurance that it was a fool’s quest to attempt. That he was right to not follow through with his friend's plan. He doesn’t want to leave knowing that he could have done more.
Peter’s mouth turns into a regretful smile, “No, I don’t think so. Motivation is an important aspect to how the points are earned. The results are actions are important, but if the reasoning for doing so is currupt and self interested, it doesn’t count. If the only reason you were doing good things was to earn points, you wouldn’t have been given any.”
“Yeah.” Regulus taps a finger against the table. “That’s what I was thinking too. I just needed to hear it from someone else’s mouth.” He was surprised to not hear the same resoning coming from Evan when he brought up the plan with Barty earlier. As long as Regulus is trying to fight and earn his spot in the Good Place, he will never deserve it, because the only reason why he’s doing good things is so he can stay.
Regulus doesn’t want to hurt the people that have worked so hard for him in the past few days, and those like James that have been fighting for him for longer. He’s not sure if it’s because he cares about them being hurt, and doesn’t want to see them sad, or if he doesn’t want to face the feeling afterwards of guilt. He wonders if that’s selfish too. Either way, in his mind he has already made his decision of what he must do.
Regulus looks out the window and tries to estimate the time by the falling sun. It’s evening, he has only hours left, maybe minutes. He debates with himself on what to use with his remaining time. He could stay here with Dorcas and Peter, but that would feel like putting a burden on them. Forcing them to sit with him through his acceptance that everything is crumbling into dust. He could go back to James and sit next to him in silence, taking in whatever last pieces of James he’s willing to give. The more Regulus thinks about it, the more he realizes there’s one person he has to circle back to.
Before he goes, Regulus asks Dorcas and Peter one last question. It’s not fair of him to ask when they know his situation but he does anyways, “Do you think if I never turned myself in, that I could have become a good person? If I just had a little more time? I clearly wasn’t like either of you in my life on Earth and I haven’t done great things here either, but if I just had more time.”
When Dorcas looks at him, Regulus can see waves of sorrow flowing through her, and some part of him thinks that she knows what he’s going to do next. “Regulus, I think you already have.”
Regulus nods his head and leaves the room. He needs to go and find Sirius. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say but he’ll find the words when he sees his brother. He can’t leave them like this, not again. Sirius deserves to suffer but he can start after Regulus is gone. Regulus will give him that much.
He’s walking towards Sirius’ home when Barty appears seemingly out of nowhere. Regulus jumps back slightly, startled by the sudden presence. Their conversation from earlier quickly flutters through Regulus’ head and he hopes that Barty’s in a better state of mind now.
“Regulus, thank God I found you.” Barty says nearly out of breath as he grabs onto Regulus’ arm.
“Is something wrong?” Regulus asks, worried with how panicked Barty seems. He tries to remove Barty’s hand but isn’t able to loosen the firm grasp.
“I need to know what your plan is.” Barty says harshly, “How are you getting out of this?”
Regulus tries to take a step back, to put some distance between himself from his friend. “I’m not.” He says, because it is the truth. He is accepting his fate. The Judge will come at any moment and give his sentencing. Regulus was doomed from the start and he is done pretending that he is willing to continue to fight the inevitable. Barty looks at him confused, his brows furrowed and mouth slightly agape. Regulus repeats. “I’m not getting out of this Barty. I’m done.”
Barty lets go of his arm and Regulus rubs the tender spot. “What do you mean you’re not? I’ve got more ideas. Listen to me and we’ll figure this out.”
“No.” Regulus says firmly. “I’m going to go say goodbye to Sirius and then I’m going to Evan’s office to wait for the Judge.” The lie slips from his lips easily. He had almost forgotten how good he is at lying.
“Who told you to do that? Who gave you that idea?” Barty’s words come out rushed and frantic. There is an anger behind his eyes that sends a chill down Regulus’ spine. “Was it Evan? Don’t listen to him. He’s-he’s not your friend. I am. I can fix this.”
Regulus holds up his hands, trying to keep the space between himself and Barty while coaxing Barty down from his panic. “It’s okay Barty. I’ve accepted it. Go to Evan’s office. I'll be there in a bit.”
Barty looks heartbroken. Regulus wants to reach out to his friend but is fearful of the reaction he may get. Something has gotten into Barty and Regulus isn’t sure what it is, but he knows he doesn’t like it. Regulus has never seen him like this before. Is this what losing a friend can do to a person? Everyone else has been calm, sad and maybe slightly unaccepting, but calm nonetheless. There are five stages of grief and it seems Barty is getting a headstart on anger and denial.
“I’ll see you soon.” Regulus says as he walks away. He doesn’t want to leave Barty behind in such a state but he has other places he needs to be.
Regulus is at a fork in the road. There are two paths he may take but one leads to a cliff. He doesn’t belong in the Good Place, and there is no way he can win this case made against him. He appreciates all of the work that’s been done in his name, in an attempt to save him, but he knows it was for nothing, he knew it from the beginning. Time and time again he let them believe that he thought they were doing enough, but it could never be enough.
Two paths, and Regulus, with the understanding that there is no real choice here, that the choice has already been made for him, decides to flee.
It’s easy enough to find Sirius. Regulus only has to summon Remus to locate his brother. From there, explaining to Sirius that he’s giving up is simple. Sirius radiates with joy, smiling large and eyes lighting up. Regulus wishes he could feel as good about this as Sirius. No matter what he ‘decided’ to do, there were going to be consequences. This way Regulus at least has a chance. If it’s true that the Good and Bad Place are both forbidden to go to the Medium Place, he could spend the rest of his eternity hiding away, even if it’s in fear of those who might come for him.
Regulus spent his life running. He never had a say in the matter. He ran to protect himself from his family and the cruelty they could instill upon him. He ran away from the life he never wanted into one where he barely lived at all, hidden away in the shadows out of fear of what could come. He died running. He never did have a choice. All aspects of his life from the moment he was born were pre-determined. He never had a say in who he was or who he could be.
He was right when he told Sirius he would never have a say in the matters of his life. As they run together to the train station Regulus knows this is not a decision he truly got to make but one that was forced upon him. There is no other choice and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. Or maybe his legs just simply aren’t used to staying still.
There’s no one else at the platform but there is a train already waiting for them. “You called it so quick.” Sirius remarks, smiling at Remus.
Remus shakes his head no. He looks worried and the idea of Remus being worried instills panic into Regulus. Remus yanks Sirius and Regulus around the corner of the train station, out of view of the person emerging onto the platform. “That’s the Judge.” Remus whispers.
Regulus examines the being. A tall man wearing a black judge’s robe. His white beard is so long it reaches past his waist. Perched on his crooked nose are half moon glasses covering piercing blue eyes. Regulus finds himself involuntarily recoiling at the sight of the man who is supposed to hold his fate.
The Judge walks off the platform and into the neighborhood. He is only steps away into the treeline when Regulus and the others make a break for it. Together they rush onto the train's conductors compartment. Remus takes his place in front of the steering mechanism and within seconds the engine is roaring to life. A wisp of smoke becomes the only remnants of their presence at the station.
Regulus finds a seat to slump into. The day has been long and his body is tired. Regulus’s feet and legs are tired but after a life of running away from everything he almost feels at home. He nestles into the seat and tries to find comfort. He hates abandoning James, Barty, Peter and Dorcas after everything they’ve done for him but now they can stop. Now they can stop worrying about him and what he might do next. They can stop caring, and the decision has been made for them. Regulus and Sirius Black are side by side and for the first time in their lives they are running together.
Before he falls asleep he hears Sirius ask, “What’s the name of the woman whose house we’re going to? You never did say.”
Remus keeps his eyes on the tracks before him, and a small smile forms on his lips as he responds, “Mary Macdonald.”
Notes:
If you are reading as these chapters are coming out, I have decided to move my update days to Fridays. Chapter 16 will be posted on Thursday next week but after that all updates will now occur on Fridays
Sirius: Yeah I just told this guy I loved him and then he kissed the life out of me but I think it was in a friend way??
Remus: I love you too
Sirius: Say what nowNow, if you are familiar with the show, and are aware of events that occur at the beginning of season 2, I hope it is very clear why it’s Mary who lives in the Medium Place. I simply could NOT bring myself to do any of that stuff to my girl that would be cruel, I mean it would be ironic but cruel
Fun Fact: In the original concept for this fic, I’m talking the idea was only in my head and nothing was on paper yet, it was Mary who was paired to be Sirius’ soulmate, not Barty. The idea was simply from a line in season 3 where Tahani and Jason are asked, “Are all humans as attractive as you two?” and Tahani goes “HAHAHAHA no.” and I could very clearly see Mary reacting like that
Other fun fact: It was imagining that scene that got me to sit down and begin writing out drafts and plans for this fic so thank you Gwendolyn from Season 3 look at how far we’ve come!
Chapter 16: The Death of R.A.B.
Notes:
Oh lord I have so much to say
PLEASE READ BEFORE STARTING: This chapter is unique to this fic in that it’s nearly all internal monologue and action. Regulus says eight words in the entire 9.5k words of this chapter and that is it. It just isn’t written in a way where there’s dialogue. This style of writing was intentional for this chapter and will most likely not happen again. Some people may find that incredibly boring and I get it, it’s not for everyone. If you hate that style of writing and deeply want to skip this chapter I ask that you at least attempt to read the third scene titled “3 Months Before Present Day” as that will be when Regulus dies and there are lots of questions answered in that section.
Second, If you are someone who is reading this fic as it’s being updated, there has been an update to Sirius’ death chapter that happened on July 8th. The events themselves have not been altered but large portions of the chapter have been rewritten. It has been strongly hinted at and blatantly said a few times that Regulus’ and Sirius’ deaths are somewhat connected. I am by no means saying you have to reread Chapter 5 to understand the things that happen in this chapter but if you read that one when it came out eleven weeks ago, a refresher might be for the best
Thirdly, this one isn’t just for this chapter but for all The Death Of chapters as a whole but if there is something that you read in one of the death chapters that confuses you, doesn’t make sense, you’d like explored more, etc. etc. you know what I’m getting at, just know that those things were intentionally left out. I have left some things vague on purpose because although they’re not important now they will be important later on and they will eventually be talked about please trust me 🙏 🙏
For those of you who are willing to indulge my whimsy here are the
Warnings:
Thoughts of Suicide
Walburga and Orion
Abuse
Threats of Murder
Death
Child Abuse
Force feeding
Mentions of Starvation
Mentions of Physical Abuse
Car Accident
Drowning
Transphobia (As in worrying someone will be unaccepting)If I missed anything please let me know!
I have not written an opening notes that long since the beginning oh my god lets get on with it
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply he had to invent laughter. -Friedrich Nietzsche
***
*Nine Years Before Present Day*
The moon casts a silver glow along his bed, providing a soft light for his swift movements. His blankets are pulled taunt to form crisp corners and edges. His closet is nearly empty, leaving behind the clothing he most despises. The crevices between the walls and floors are lacking dust, a testament of how much effort he put into cleaning his room just hours earlier. A notebook sits in the center of his desk with a pen laying parallel next to it. The page is open to carefully thought out words that took months- years to write. In the corner of his room, tucked behind his desk is a wire trashcan with the choppy remains of his hair. He cut too close to his scalp and as he packs away the last of his things into his bag, listening for any signs of movement, he feels a faint sting right above his left ear.
He has little to call his own, a few pieces of clothing, a plant that has long decayed, and a set of silver rings that adorn five of his fingers. These are the only things he has ever bought for himself with his own money, or they were presents from the only person he was ever willing to receive gifts from. He can only afford to bring so much with him. The other important pieces of his life described in inanimate objects must remain behind.
His bag contains one pair of shorts, two pairs of jeans, a handful of t-shirts and long sleeves, socks and underwear, as well as one leather jacket. In his closet the skirts and dresses of his youth remain untouched. The t-shirts don’t technically belong to him. He found them when searching through his brother’s, Sirius’, long forgotten room. He found that his brother’s preference for black clothing works in his favour as well. He tried on Sirius’ t-shirts, one after another, feeling the fabric against his skin, smelling the remnants of Sirius’ cologne in the material. It smelled like home.
Sirius had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be and do what he wanted to do. It isn’t until today that he understands that message, that he puts it to use. He grabs Sirius’ old t-shirts and puts them into his duffle bag next to the leather jacket. The jacket wasn’t Sirius’, but he thinks Sirius would have liked one. Maybe Sirius has one now.
He looks into the closet, and debates if he should take anything else. The frills of the dresses, the deep sloping necklines, the perfectly hemmed edges, stare back at him. He runs his fingers through the fabric of a memorable purple dress he was forced to wear during Black Family Holidays. The tulle feels fragile in his hands. He wonders if he has enough time to take a pair of scissors to these dresses. Ruin them the way they ruined him.
Vengeance against his family must be put on hold, he must continue to pack his bags. He takes a look around his room, at the few things he calls his own and debates quietly with himself on what is worth taking, what is worth wasting time packing away.
He leaves the plant to die against the wall of his room. If he were to stay past today he might meet the same fate, starved, drowned, devoid of sunlight. When the plant was new and spry he did everything he could to keep it that way, perky, green and alive. His parents saw how much he cared about it. He didn’t have anything else to care for, the plant was it. The thing about growing up in an abusive household is caring gets a person in far more trouble than shutting everything out. He learned that lesson at a young age, but this was just a plant. He didn’t see the harm that could be created from it, but now there was something to be used against him.
Years ago, it was his brother. If he didn’t do as he was asked Sirius would be punished and Sirius had a grand saviour complex, always willing to take the blows and hits that should never have touched him. Sirius lied and distracted their parents in order to protect him. Sirius bled and bruised in his younger brother’s name for years before he left. It’s been three years since Sirius left, and now no one is there to take the blows for him. His body is littered with splotches of black and blue he earned all on his own.
After his brother fled, he began to care for nothing but the plant, a Monstera Deliciosa he named Mensa. It sat in the corner of his room, something inhuman, non-animalistic, but alive all the same, and it was something to bring him the smallest bit of joy in a house filled with such darkness. His parents decided that they could use the plant as punishment. In hindsight he’s glad he never tried to sneak a pet into the house, because if his parents were willing to monitor how much water he drank to make sure he couldn’t give any to Mensa’s soil, he doesn’t even want to think about what they would have done to a dog or a cat.
When Mensa began to rot away she developed spots of mould. Her soil was at the same time overwatered and dehydrated but he was not allowed to remove her from his room, even when the smell of decay began. He had trouble sleeping at night as he listened to the sound of bugs enjoying her remains and the mould continued to grow.
One day his mother grew furious with him, he can’t even remember what for, and she made him sit in front of Mensa’s pot on his knees and eat her mouldy dirt with his hands tied behind his back, as his father told him, If you are going to act like a pig, we are going to treat you like one. He shivers at the memory, an ache in his knees and the faint taste of dirt returning to his mouth. He scrapes his tongue with his teeth hoping it will ease away the memory.
He stands in front of a mirror now and examines himself. Black hoodie, jeans and converse to blend into the night with. He finds it difficult to take a deep breath. Whether that be from fear, excitement, or the way his too small binder is digging into his ribs, he isn’t sure. It’s probably some combination of the three. Fear and excitement are close companions in his mind, one is never too far from the other.
He is eighteen years and two hours old. He looks down at the rings on his fingers, and thinks about their matching set that ran away three years ago. The rings were a gift for his twelfth birthday. Ten silver rings, five slightly larger to go to another, so they would always be connected in a way their parents wouldn’t realize. The rings didn’t all fit him at first, twelve year old hands are much smaller than eighteen year old ones. Over time he was slowly able to add more to his fingers, readjusting their positions on his hands as he grew. Now they all fit, but it doesn't matter because the other set is nowhere to be found.
Three years and so much has happened but at the same time nothing has changed. All he knows is that he can’t stay here any longer or it may mean his death by either his parents hands or his own. If given the choice he’d ask for Sirius to return and finish the job. Aim for his chest with a knife sharp enough to slice through his heart in one movement. Let him look into his brother’s eyes one last time before he goes and let it be by his brother’s hand that he leaves this world. Eighteen is too old for fanciful wishes.
It was two years ago when he realized he was a boy. It was two years minus one day ago that he realized there was nothing he could do about it while he lived in this house. He hasn’t bothered to pick a name out for himself yet. It would give him too much hope that tonight will go well, a jinx on his escape.
His parents are well known in various communities, some good and others cruel and murderous. The good ones are to hide the latter of the two. Coming out would bring too much attention to the Black family. All eyes would be on them and it would be weeks, months or years before such a bright spotlight would be taken off of them for long enough to resume their elicit activities. His mother wouldn’t stand for it.
He has played nice. Since Sirius left he’s still taken part in the Black Family Bonding Activities, but he’s been doing the bare minimum. He’s wanted to get out since he was a child but as long as Sirius was around he never actually thought he’d be able to do it. Sirius would tell him stories about what they would do when they made their escape but it was always told in the same tone of stories that begin with Once Upon A Time and end with They lived happily ever after. Then Sirius left, and he waited, and waited. He has waited for three years for a saviour to come and rescue him like in the stories but he stands in front of this mirror all alone.
He has found four-leaf clovers, blown dandelions into the wind, and wished upon the stars his family has been named after but no Blue Fairy has come down to him. His life is no fairy tale. He can love his brother with his entire heart or hate him with his entire being, it doesn’t change the outcome. Whether it be the stars, the moon, or the fucking sun he was suppose to look up to and beg for freedom from, he’s tried it all. What a childish thought to hold onto, believing that being loved could lead to being saved.
His mother can sense it. He can feel the way her hatred for him has falsely softened over the past few months. She knows he’s been thinking about it. She probably doesn’t think he has the guts to actually leave. For insurance, she has offered him an advance on his inheritance if he stays until he’s at least twenty one. He won’t make it that long.
He’s not sure what broke him, what part of himself said enough was enough and he was going to leave. Today he had woken up just as he did every other day, a fear for his life ingrained into his bones but his mind was at ease. An odd feeling, the mix of the two.
He has had thoughts of killing himself plenty of times over the years in the hopes that it would expose his family for their deplorable secrets. They would find some way to cover it up. They’d say he was sick for months with some rare disease, and he went quietly in the end with no pain. They don’t need long to grieve because they knew it was coming. They will take condolences and would like eyes to be turned away from them during this trying time.
No, what would really make his family hurt is having it be known that both of their children ran away. They fled into the night, never to be seen from again. He has a feeling no one will really look into it, no one will care about two misfit kids. If anyone does bother to ask why, his family will say that they were always trouble makers and couldn’t handle the pressure of living with such high expectations of giving back to the world. He can hold out some hope, some useless good for nothing hope, that someone will come by one day and ask the right questions but hope has never been something he’s been good at.
Instead of dying he will spite his family by living and he will spite his brother by doing it on his own. He doesn’t need a saviour, he can save himself.
He doesn’t want anything to slow him down so he takes nothing with him but a backpack and duffle bag filled with the essentials. He puts in the last remains of his things and zips up the bag. With the carefullest of movements he opens his bedroom door. There is a creaky floorboard four steps outside of his room that he maneuvers around. The third step down the staircase is silent only if stepped on from the left side. He moves seamlessly through his childhood home.
There is a security system attached to the front door, so instead of going out that way he walks through the hallway, living room, and into the library. Behind the large desk is a series of windows reaching from one wall to the other. He lifts the latch of a window next to the fireplace and pushes upwards. He throws his duffle bag out and takes one last look into his house. Maybe there’s a part of him that wants to say goodbye but he can’t wait to get out of here. He swings his leg through the window pane with a smile on his face and hops into the grass on the other side. He shuts the window closed and when he looks down he notices he landed next to his mother’s rose bushes. When he realizes he missed them, he stomps on them a few times for good measure. Fuck those blasted roses.
He looks back up at the house and walks backwards, admiring the grotesque building for one last time. He wants to memorize this moment so one day he can tell his kids about the prison he escaped and how he got out. He managed to do it and all on his own. No brother or saviour in sight.
He holds onto his backpack strap with one hand and the duffle bag with the other. He readjusts the bags and turns around, walking into the darkness. He manages three steps before he hears a scream behind him. He turns around and sees lights illuminating from the hallway windows. His mother’s shrieks ring through the night. She’s yelling his name and she is furious. She must have read the note. Goddamn it, why did he have to leave a note? It’s not as if silence would have gotten him a better response, and it’s far too late to change anything now. He must find a spot to hide.
There is a large fountain in the center of the backyard. Standing six feet tall, it’s larger than him and he quickly ducks behind it. His knees hit the ground hard sending a sharp zap of pain through him. He presses his forehead against white stone, letting it cool his skin. It prickles the cut next to his ear. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. He’s made it this far. He wrote the note, he packed his bags, he walked out of the house. All he has to do now is cross the yard and run. He doesn’t think his parents will call the police, that would bring too much attention, but they may call other family members to search for him and that would be worse.
He hears a window to the library open. His mother’s voice calls out for him. She calls his name, she pleads for him to come back, she begs for him to be okay, she threatens his life. He stays put. The stone warms from the sweat that forms on his skin. He grips onto the fountain, his knuckles turning a shade of white to match the stone as he pleads with whatever beings might be out there to let him go, to send her away. His prayers have never been answered but give him what he needs this one time and he’ll never hope for anything ever again.
He hears a final scream, an animalistic noise and a slam of a window pane so loud he wouldn’t be surprised if cracks had formed in the glass. He debates waiting for the lights to shut off, for the screams to come to a halt. He knows neither will happen, not while his location is still unknown. He chances a peek around the fountain and sees no signs of his mother save for the lights from the house. She could be watching, waiting, but she doesn’t know how long ago he left. For all she knows he has hours of a head start.
There are clusters of trees just a few yards behind him. He crouches low to the ground and slowly moves backwards. One foot behind the other, he keeps his eyes trained on the house, readying himself for any further movements. Air is trapped in his chest as he refuses to let himself breath for fear of it being too loud, of being caught so close to freedom.
He feels his back meet the hard bark of a tree trunk. He places a hand behind him, checking to see that it’s real. He could cry. He maneuvers himself around the tree, eyes still looking forward. He is so close and he will not let her of all people catch him now. He backs up, slowly obscuring the house from view through branches and leaves. The second he can no longer see the house clearly, he runs.
He has never been one to move quickly, much less run. It was probably a mistake to wear his binder when he knew how fast he would have to go, but even as his lungs struggle in his chest, he’s never felt more free. There’s something about the air that feels more crisp. The night feels more endless. All possibilities are here, they are limitless, and they are his for the taking. This must have been what Sirius felt. This must have been why Sirius never came back.
He runs until his feet ache in his converse and he struggles to take in a breath. He stands for a moment and reorients himself with his surroundings. He checks to make sure he knows where he is. Only a few more minutes walk away from the hostel. He’s never stayed in one before but tonight’s a night of many firsts. In the morning he’ll figure out what to do next, where to go next. He may have done this on a semi-whim but he has been playing the possibility of this moment through his mind for years. Every avenue and path he could take after today is well ingrained into his mind.
He keeps his eyes on the ground, not wanting to risk eye contact with anyone before he reaches the hostel. He doesn’t know if anyone will be coming after him tonight, and if they do, who for that matter. It’s best to keep his head down. He lets his feet navigate the journey to his home for the night.
When he finally reaches a safe distance away from the house, and close enough to the hostel, when the feeling of shadows clinging to his back have faded, he chances a look up. He looks up and up into the night sky, unsure if the stars will even be out tonight. His eyes catch the white against the dark blue so deep it screams black like his last name. He knows all the stars by name. One doesn’t grow up in a family obsessed with making themselves seem bigger and brighter than all others, above all earthly things, without learning their names. The first speck in the sky he sees and the name is in his mind in less than a second, Regulus.
Regulus . He rolls the name around in his head. He tries to picture someone saying it, referring to him. He imagines what he looks like in the mirror and if the name suits what’s before him. A half smile graces his lips and he nods. “That’ll do.” He says out loud to no one but himself as he continues his walk into the night.
His feet create a soft tapping against the pavement. The rest of the night is silent. There’s a slight breeze that cools the droplets of sweat that have yet to leave his skin. Is this what freedom sounds like? Is this what it looks like?
Regulus doesn’t know what to make of being free now, but he has the clothes in his bag and a name to claim as his own. Whatever is out there for him, he will find a way to survive it because it will be better than what the last three years have brought upon him. He will find a way.
He won’t be looking for Sirius. If three years of no contact has told him anything, it’s that his brother doesn’t want to see him, or care about seeing him. It probably has to do with what Regulus did the night Sirius left, but that’s not something to think about now. For now, Regulus will think about his new name and new possibilities that have been laid before him. He has eighteen years of life to make up for and he will enjoy every moment of it.
***
*Some Years Before Present Day*
Regulus’ life has been devoid of choice from the moment he was born. Since the day of his birth he’s been told who to be, what to be like, how to dress, how to act, who he will become, what his relationships must be like, who those relationships must be with, who to look up to, who to neglect. Every who, what, where, when, and how already answered for him. His parents had his entire life planned out while he was a fetus in his mother’s womb. He has never gotten to pick out anything for himself.
When Regulus was twelve he wanted to learn what it was like to have less than he did. He found himself going to malls and parks looking for people his own age, trying to understand them and how they were different. He stole Sirius’ shirts to blend in and tried to make conversation with these foreign beings, people also twelve years old. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t connect with them. The problems they had were not the same ones he did. During the small moments when he could relate to those his age, he found that these kids were boring and depleted of something.
Other twelve year olds complained and whined about this and that. Regulus never really had much to complain about. His family was rich beyond their means. He had a brother that he loved, and looked after him after they were hit by their parents. Even when they were starved, there was plenty of food in the house to eat afterwards, and for all of the things Regulus did have problems with, his parents always had a solution. Regulus barely even needed to think for himself, and through these interactions with kids his own age, he realized how fortunate he was.
Sure, Reuglus had made some decisions for himself. He decided to stay by Sirius’ side all the way until the day Sirius ran away. He decided to do what he did the day Sirius ran away. He decided what he wanted to eat most days and for the majority of the time he decided what to wear. He chose what books to pluck out of the family library and what stars to look up to at night. He made plenty of these small insignificant choices every day.
It wasn’t until he was eighteen that he finally made a decision fully for himself. The day he decided he was going to run away. On that day Regulus decided to abandon his old life and begin anew. He chose his own name by looking up into the sky and naming himself after the first star he saw. But is it really a choice if one option is the unknown and the other is death?
That is where the choices for himself ended. There could be no more choices for himself after that. After he ran away every decision he made was about survival, about his family not being able to find him. If he wanted the opportunity to ever make a choice for himself again, something meaningful, he would have to outhide and outlive his family members.
The first choice he was not able to make for himself was where to work. There were plenty of places that someone with Regulus’ pedigree and education could get a job at, but there were a few problems at hand. Firstly, he had no college or university level education. Following that, he needed a job where he could be paid under the table. Anything involving bank cards and direct deposits could easily be traced back to him when his family started looking. In a few years he could try and trust banks again but for now he needed to keep safe and hide where he could.
He tried to ask around at the hostels he had been staying at if anyone knew of any jobs that were looking for undocumented work. Most of the response he got made it clear people thought he was a narc, working for the cops undercover, or some rich kid trying to live dangerously. They had no idea just how much danger he was trying to avoid.
By some strange set of fortunate circumstances he was pointed in the direction of a “sales” job. The business was schemey and slimy, the perfect kind of people to convince to let him be paid in cash. Regulus’ life effectively began to revolve around a cubicle and periodic phone calls asking elderly people to donate money to a charity foundation. The charity is real and well known, it’s just not the company Regulus actually works for. Regulus receives a third of whatever he can convince people to “donate to the cause”. It’s not honest money by any means but it's money.
At the end of the day Regulus is able to collect his cash earnings from his boss, pay his rent to his crotchety landlord who pretends to hate him but loves that he hands her the rent money in crisp 100 bills. He is able to put food on his table and every once in a while go out for a drink. It’s not an honest life and it’s not the one he chose for himself but it’s what allows him to get by. It’s what allows him to survive.
Regulus was able to save enough money on the side to have his name legally changed. He reached out to, To Do Good, a charity that helps homeless youths in the LGBT community get the support and supplies they need, to see if they could help in his name change process. He was denied for reasons they couldn’t give. If Regulus had to guess his family probably gave money to the organization at one point or another and now they were refusing to help him. He thought of it as a kind of karmic justice given what his job was.
He had to find other avenues to work through the government backlog of having all of his documents legally say Regulus . He had considered changing his last name as well, but as he filled out the paperwork there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that said Sirius would never be able to find him if he changed all parts of his name, not that there’d been any signs that Sirius was looking. It took well over a year between saving money and going through the process but by the end he had a government issued plastic rectangle in his hand with his name printed on in bold letters. It was the happiest he had ever been.
The second choice Regulus was not able to make for himself was whether or not to have friends. Having friends meant having people close to him which would always be a risk. These would be people that Regulus’ family could use against him. He tried to remain alone and isolated but one day the choice to do so was stripped away from him when Rabastan Lestrange appeared.
Rabastan was hired for an open position at Regulus’ job and the only available desk in the entire office just so happened to be the one next to Regulus. Regulus refused to speak to the newcomer, offering only his name and a sneer to let it be known he didn’t want to be spoken to. It seemed Rebastan found something alluring about Regulus. If asked, Regulus couldn’t pinpoint where he went wrong in their interactions but somewhere along the way Rebastan claimed Regulus as his own.
The one thing Regulus did like about Rabastan is that he never asked personal questions. He tried one time and the look Regulus gave him was so jarring, he never attempted to ask if Regulus had a childhood pet again.
It began as many things do with Regulus, with complaining. Regulus had muttered under his breath about how incompetent his boss was. Rabastan poked his head over the grey cardboard like wall that divided their cubicles and chimed in his agreement. That day Rabastan sat next to Regulus at lunch as he made snide comments about their various coworkers. Regulus would have said something about how Rabastan didn’t even know these people and who was Rabastan to say that Sally somehow made her computer smell like fish? But every complaint Rabastan made was completely valid and Regulus saw no reason to disagree.
The next thing Regulus knew he was sitting in a bar with a beer in his hand, he doesn’t even like beer, and Rabastan sitting on the stool next to him. They drank in silence for the most part and Regulus enjoyed it immensely. This was a kind of friendship he could get behind, one where the other person knew absolutely nothing about him. If his family were to track him down and find Rabastan, they wouldn’t be able to get any information out of this guy, he had none. It was perfect, until it wasn’t.
Growing up Regulus had to learn how to make choices for himself. Watching as his mother and father dictated everything he did made it difficult for him to realize he had the ability to decide things for himself. Sirius tried to help but he went about it wrong. What Sirius encouraged Regulus to do was not to pick things for himself or question what he wanted, but to simply do whatever the opposite of what his parents wanted him to do was. It felt a lot more like an illusion of choice rather than an actual one.
Regulus and Rabastan had been friends for 745 days. Regulus counted each and every one. He had never had a friend before and wasn’t sure if Rabastan would be like one of those people Regulus saw on TV who would celebrate different “Friend-aiversarys.” On the off chance Rabastan was one of those and then attempted to surprise Regulus with some kind of friendship gift, Regulus wanted to know exactly how long his first friendship lasted, because it would not continue after that.
Regulus is at the grocery store picking up ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Rabastan has never been over to Regulus’ house, and Regulus prefers to keep it that way. He still wants to wait a few more years before having visitors over. He is moving houses every six months to avoid the chance of his parents finding him. The only thing he’s kept this whole time is his job since it’s too good to give up without anything to back it up with.
Rabastan had hinted at wanting to come over for months and Regulus finally caved. He told Rabastan he could come over this one time, but Regulus had to blindfold him on the way there so he couldn’t know where he lived. Somehow Rabastan agreed to the plan. So now, Regulus is in the grocery store looking through onions and tomatoes, trying to find the ones that will be just ripe enough to go along with the dish he’s planning on making, when he looks up.
Across the produce, staring directly at him is Bellatrix Black, Regulus’ absolutely insane cousin. Growing up she always favoured Regulus over Sirius but the last time he saw her was when he was seventeen years old, about a week before he ran away from home. Regulus meets her eyes and tries to suppress any panic he feels. Did she come here for him? What does she want with him?
Regulus returns his eyes down to the tomatoes in front of him and reexamines them, feeling for tender spots within the fruit. He can feel Bellatrix's eyes beating into his body, watching his every move. He’s impressed that she’s able to recognize him so quickly, he’s changed a lot over the years between his hair cut, chest surgery, and testosterone, he’s practically a different person. Despite all of that, Bellatrix clearly knows who he is.
He continues with his shopping. He doesn’t bother to look up to his cousin again, not out of fear but rather out of knowing what the cost will be. Maybe that’s the same thing as fear but he doesn’t want to play into his family's games anymore. He wants to be free from the Black Family Madness that seems to plague his bloodline.
He grabs the rest of his ingredients. This is a normal shopping day for him and nothing is out of the ordinary. He goes over to the check out with his bag of tomatoes and onions, rings them up and pays. He smiles at the cashier and wishes her a good day. He walks home with the bag slung over his shoulder.
He pays attention to Bellatrix behind him. He has to assume that she already knows where he lives. It doesn’t make sense that his family would try and corner him in public, they were only aiming to intimidate him. They were telling him that they could find him and they did.
Regulus reaches his apartment, says hi to his current landlady who sits on the porch, and walks up the steps. The second he’s in his apartment he begins to pack his bags. In the back of his closet he pulls out a black backpack and duffle bag, he starts with those. He grabs his clothes, the few books and trinkets he’s grown to care about, and packs them all away. He regrets not having enough time to sell the future for extra cash but he’ll make due just like he did before.
He moves swiftly throughout the house, packing things away until he can barely carry the bags anymore. When all is done, he leaves the apartment. He walks downstairs and pushes his key into his landlady’s mailbox along with a month of rent to make up for his sudden absence.
Regulus looks up and down the street, he tries to feel the air for any signs of her, but Bellatrix is long gone. He throws his bags into his car and drives away. It was an off day for him but the office is still open, scamming doesn’t take weekends off. He walks into the office and collects his last paycheck in cash, then quits on the spot. His boss accepts it with a grunt and a sneer, seeming to think Regulus now deems himself too good of a person to continue on with the work.
It’s time to get out of London. Regulus thought for some unknown reason that he could really survive in the same city as his family without ever being caught. It’s a big city! He should have been able to last years without seeing anyone in his family. He changed his name, his appearance and was blended into nearly nine million people. The odds of them randomly finding him were so low they were practically non-existent.
Regulus had the audacity to think that he had some kind of choice in his life. He thought for one moment that he was able to pick out things for himself, even if that was a job he hated and a friend he worried for. These were things he chose to have, things he in some ways wanted to keep. His family always had the final say in who he would become, how he would act, what relationships he could have, who he was. He will spend the rest of his life trying to escape them.
Regulus drives for just over two hours west of London. He made plans for a situation like this, of course he did. His family is insane and he knew he would never truly be safe from them. He thought with the time that had passed between when he left and now, they may have given up but he would never assume that to be true. He’s had contingency plans in place.
Regulus pulls up to a small cottage on the outskirts of a large town. Bags in hand, he gets out of the car and walks up to the house. He pulls out his keyring and rummages through them until he gets to the right one. With a soft click he unlocks the door, sets down his bags, and takes in the air of his new home.
A new choice, for now at least.
***
*Three Months Before Present Day*
It is 10:15am .
Regulus looks back and forth between his phone and his suitcase in an endless debate with himself. The sun is shining in through the window illuminating his bedroom from wall to wall. His room is clean, devoid of dust, his bed made, trash taken out, all in an attempt to stall the inevitable moment when he must make a decision. It reminds him of a time nine years ago, when he was only eighteen years old and he was running away from home. Now at twenty seven rather than running away, he’s running to something. Somehow this is scarier.
There were many unknowns when he ran away as a kid but he had the forethought to make plans prior to actually leaving. The day he chose to do it may have been a surprise to himself but at least he knew what he was doing, where he was going, and the people he would be meeting along the way. Today all he has is a destination, if he can bring himself to finish packing his bags and leave the house. His ticket sits staring up at him from his phone, mocking his unwillingness to decide. Staying or going?
He grabs his phone and checks the time. It’s going to take him an hour to get to the station and his bus leaves at noon exactly. It’s 10:26am . He’s still got time. Regulus sits on the edge of his bed, digs his fingers into his hair, and lets out a groan of frustration. There are too many unknowns and he hates it. He hates not knowing what would be waiting for him in London.
A month ago Regulus was casually scrolling through instagram when an ad popped up. Usually when he sees sponsored content he scrolls away without thinking anything more about it, but this time he stopped. This time, the ad was for a mechanics shop and in the image all of the employees were featured, with dirt and grease stained into their clothes and smiles on their faces. One of those faces was Sirius’.
Regulus knew it was his brother right away. He found himself holding his breath, worried that breathing too hard would somehow make him lose the ad and his brother would be gone forever. He stared at it for a long time before ever so carefully taking a screenshot to ensure the image was kept safe.
Twelve years and Sirius looked exactly the same. Same dark hair but it’s longer now, he wears it tied up in a bun. Regulus zoomed in and saw the signs of earrings that were most likely taken out while at work. Sirius was wearing a set of brown overalls smudged with oil. There was a singular line of dirt down his cheek as if someone with messy hands had tried to clean Sirius’ face for him but failed. On Sirius’ hands, Regulus could clearly make out five silver rings.
In the picture, there was a man with red hair standing next to Sirius. The stranger had an arm wrapped around his brother’s neck. Sirius was holding onto the man’s hand while looking at the camera. The man with red hair was looking at Sirius with something in his eyes greater than friendship. Regulus knew that look and his stomach ached. What other changes had Sirius gone through? How much had he grown?
That night Regulus had spent hours trying to find other signs of life for his brother. Sirius had no other social media accounts anywhere. He wasn’t tagged in things. When Regulus searched, Sirius Orion Black, Sirius Orion, Sirius London, Sirius Orion London, he was met with nothing of use. He looked for the man with red hair instead. Regulus found out the guy's name was Neil. Neil wasn’t much better off than Sirius, no accounts on any social media at all.
Regulus set up a Google Alert to send him a message if anything surfaced on the internet with some variation of Sirius’ name. If Siirus decided to download twitter within the next few days, Regulus would know instantly and it would save him time from obsessively checking and rechecking different social medias.
It seemed that outside of this one instagram post, Sirius didn’t exist. But here it was! The proof that Sirius was out there and he was alive and living life. He had made it out and found ways to survive on his own. He was doing it without Regulus.
Regulus spent the next week debating back and forth with himself. He searched up the address of the shop, printed off directions, and stared at them as if the lines and curves would be able to tell him if he was insane for even considering making the journey. He still thinks he’s insane for even considering making the journey.
A week ago he bit the bullet. He called his boss and said he needed to take some time off. He bought a bus ticket to London and now he sits on his bed at 10:37am wondering if he’s making the right decision.
Sirius has been living his life Regulus-free for twelve years now. There’s a good chance he won’t want to see Regulus, much less have Regulus show up on his doorstep uninvited. If Sirius wanted to see him, he would have come back. Sirius has had years to return, to find Regulus. Regulus has every social media there is. He doesn’t post very often but it’s not like his name is common. Then he remembers that Sirius doesn’t know his name. Sirius could have been looking for him all this time, but didn’t know who he was looking for. There’s a twist in Regulus’ gut.
But no, there was the three years before that. Before Regulus was on social media but between the ages of fifteen and eighteen he was going by the name Sirius knew and was living in the same house as always. Sirius could have come back! There was so much opportunity. Three years. One hundred fifty nine weeks. One thousand ninety five days, yes he did the math.
So why does he want his brother now? It’s 10:48am and Regulus tries to decide. Staying or going? He bites his bottom lip then turns into his mattress to let out a scream to rival his mother’s.
Regulus didn’t need a saviour. He got himself out. If Sirius had come back for him would Regulus have gone? Or would Regulus have rotted himself away in that house until he realized he was trans and only then come to the conclusion that he had to leave? If Sirius had come back before Regulus knew himself, he doesn’t think he would have gone. It’s not about that though. It’s about the principle. There’s no ‘what if this happened’ to consider because the fact of the matter is Sirius didn’t come back. He didn’t try to save Regulus and Regulus had to get himself out. He is his own hero in this story and he never needed his brother.
He should just stay home and save himself the embarrassment. If he goes, he not only has to face his estranged brother that he hasn’t seen in over a decade but he has to come out to him. Sirius could be transphobic for all Regulus knows. Regulus knows his brother is gay but that doesn’t mean he can’t hate trans people. Or worse Sirius could even love trans people but hate that Regulus is trans.
Exactly, that’s why Regulus isn’t going to go. He’s going to stay put right here because he doesn’t want to deal with the slightest of possibilities that Sirius could be transphobic. Regulus doesn’t need his brother. He doesn’t need to see Sirius. He doesn’t need to know how Sirius has been or what his life was after he left. He doesn’t care if Sirius has forgiven him for that night twelve years ago. He doesn’t want to know Sirius’ story and how he managed to survive and if it was similar or different to how Regulus did it.
Regulus looks at the clock, 11:09am . “Fuck!” He yells as he scrambles off the bed. He grabs his backpack and runs out of his room. He slides his shoes onto his feet and throws his keys into his bag. He takes the swiftest of looks around his home to make sure he hasn’t forgotten anything and runs out the door, not caring if he has.
He has about fifty minutes to make the hour journey to the bus station. If he runs there’s a chance he could make it on time. The problem is, he’s still not fully sure he wants to go. As his feet hit the pavement in quick succession and sweat begins to drip down his forehead and back he wonders if he’s making the right decision. He could still turn back but if he doesn’t get to the station on time, the illusion of choice for the day will be gone. He wants to decide this for himself. If he sees Sirius today it will be by Regulus’ own decision and choice that it happens, not some kind of twisted fate.
Regulus makes quick work of the journey. He alternates between running, walking and jogging, constantly checking the minutes that pass, always on the cusp of being late or right on time. He walks on sidewalks and roads, through a small trail between trees and back to the pavement. He passes by people he ignores. He keeps his head down and in his mind he tries to come to a solid conclusion. He doesn’t have much time left before the choice is ripped away from him. He’s always been the kind of person that’s sure of himself but Sirius has always muddled his brain, a contagious kind of stupidity.
When Regulus is ten minutes away from the station he slows down his pace. There’s no way he’s going to make it on time, the bus leaves in three minutes. He spent too much time deliberating earlier and now he’s facing the consequences. He could go back home and sit with the decision that’s been made for him. He could buy another ticket for another day. He looks up to the sky and wonders if the universe is trying to tell him to give up.
He should scratch all these plans. Regulus, in a fit full of bravery, takes out his phone and pulls up his search browser. He looks up the name of the garage Sirius works at and stares at the phone number next to the name. Before he can stop himself, before he can hold himself back, he dials the number. The rings take ages, one after another. It’s on the fourth ring that someone finally answers.
“Arthur’s Garage, how can I help you?” A cheery man’s voice says on the other side of the line.
Regulus takes a calming breath, “Can I speak with Sirius?”
There is a pause. Regulus hears the man on the other end of the phone turning around and calling out Sirius name. Anticipation builds in Regulus’ throat. He just might throw up. What is he doing?
“Hello?” It’s not Sirius who speaks, it’s the same man as before, “Sirius isn’t in right now. I can take a message for you if you’d like or I can get one of my other guys to help you out.”
Regulus hangs up the phone without responding. Of course Sirius wouldn’t be there. It’s another sign that Regulus is thinking too much about all of this. If Sirius wanted Regulus in his life, he would have come back. It shouldn't be Regulus' job to fix their relationship now. Twelve years have gone by since Regulus has seen Sirius in person. It may take two people to mend a relationship but it only takes one person to break it. Sirius is the one who left and he didn’t come back. Regulus needs to get it in his head that that is what happened.
He stops walking on a bridge that covers a small river. There’s no point in going any further. The bridge is made with a light colored wood and railings of the same material that reach just above Regulus’ waist. He walks over to the railing and rests his body against the wood. It lets out a small creek from his weight. Regulus looks down at the water, letting out a sigh.
If he had a normal childhood perhaps he could have also had a normal relationship with his brother. In some other version of life they worked everything out. Although if Regulus had to guess, in the different universes that show how their lives could have gone, Regulus and Sirius will always be on different sides of the same war. The fight won’t always be the same thing. Maybe in some versions it’s mundane like going to different schools but in others it will be brutal with death and violence at every turn. This world sits somewhere in the middle and Regulus guesses he should at least be grateful for that. It doesn’t hurt any less.
Regulus grips on to his phone tight and squeezes his eyes shut. He tries to imagine all of the possible ways he could meet Sirius again. He tries to focus on the ones that don’t hurt, the ones where they’re kind and cordial with one another, even if they’re the most unrealistic. If they ever do meet again Regulus imagines the true versions would involve yelling and screaming, nails digging into skin, things being thrown across rooms. A loud kind of love that screams hatred to those on the outside, but those within know better.
Regulus rubs a finger behind his left ear, tracing over the small cut he gave himself nine years ago when he chopped off his hair. He replays the memory of that night to give himself strength. That was the most courageous thing he’s ever done in his life and he doubts he’ll ever top it.
He feels his phone vibrate in his hand. Casually he twists his wrist to look at the screen. There is only one notification. The Google Alert he had set up for Sirius’ name has been activated. Regulus scrunches his face up confused, this is the first time anything’s come up for it.
He opens the notification. A laugh bubbles in his throat. In bold print he reads the headline of the news article;
SIRIUS ORION BLACK, HEIR TO BLACK FAMILY FORTUNE, FOUND DEAD
Regulus feels the air in his lungs catch. His eyes grow wide and he involuntarily shakes his head, no, because this isn’t real. Sirius was alive when Regulus saw the ad for the garage. Sirius was alive yesterday. Sirius was dead before Regulus even woke up today.
He feels something in his chest and before he knows what’s happening, Regulus begins to laugh. His stomach aches with how hard he laughs. It is loud and boisterous. Any passerbyer would think he just heard the funniest joke in the world and perhaps he just did. Tears brim in his eyes as he lets the sound escape his mouth over and over again. He clutches onto his stomach as he bends over, hands on his knees. He tries to escape the noise but it follows his every train of thought.
His eyes skim through the article with difficulty due to the tears that brim his eyes. He won’t cry out of sadness. He won’t let those tears fall for a brother he doesn't even know. Sirius was involved in street racing. He was in a car crash around just past midnight and he died on impact. Regulus looks at the time, it’s just past noon. Regulus went twelve years without his brother in his life. It’s been twelve hours since Regulus would never get him back.
His laughs turn to a hiccup. One then another. The tears begin to fall, making a trail from his eyes down his chin. His breath starts to come out ragged. He looks around himself as if searching for an answer to a question he doesn’t know.
Behind him, Regulus can hear a faint bell from a bicycle. A repeated ringing in his ear to match the one formed by this new information. It doesn’t matter if Regulus wants to see his brother again or not, the choice has been ripped away from him. Time and time again throughout his life he is left with scraps, he is told it’s not up to him to decide, others choose who he is. This was the one thing he has had complete control over for a month. He was supposed to choose if he was going to reconnect with his brother whether it be a happy reunion or a murder charge followed.
Regulus grips onto the railing tighter, pushing all of his anger into the wooden beam. He hears a faint crack. Behind him a bicyclist passes by, too close, they push Regulus further into the railing. Regulus’ feet slip out from under him. The wood cracks and as the railing falls down into the water it takes Regulus with it.
He hears a scream. It may be coming from the bicyclist above or himself, he doesn’t know. He reaches out into the air grasping at nothing. The world is righting itself. The universe knows the Black brothers can’t live without one another, the correction is being made because there is no bringing Sirius back.
Regulus’ back hits the water. It feels like being splatted onto concrete. His bones and muscles shriek in agony. On instinct he opens his mouth in a gasp but his cries are muffled by the water that finds its way into his lungs. Regulus panics. He tries to contort his legs and arms, to search for whichever direction is upwards. He didn’t realize the river was this deep.
Regulus tries to kick his legs but he’s never been in a body of water before, he doesn’t know how to swim. He hopes and prays that natural instinct will take over, that his body will simply know what to do. His foot hits something hard causing another gasp. He’s swallowing water. His vision is spotting with black dots. There is a fuzzy outline to the world. He tries to move his legs. He looks down and sees his foot is caught between two rocks. He tries to escape but his strength is leaving him quickly. His head feels light and airy. His lungs squeeze taunt.
Regulus has one last thought, This is all your fault, before it all goes black.
***
Regulus awakes sitting on the right side of a soft white couch, his hands resting on his legs. There is a small white coffee table in front of him that reaches just below his knees. He looks down to see a few coasters and coffee table books about Frank Lloyd Wright.
Notes:
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE
How are we feeling????
In other exciting news I have officially started working on Part 2!! How exciting! There are so many fun things happening in part 2! I don’t want to spoil anything but I love it!
It’s rough out here with no beta guys, it's just me, my thoughts and my constantly almost out of storage against the world. There's days when I just wanna stop writing but all of these ideas having taken hold in my mind and your comments keep me going during the rough times of No Motivation™ so thank you for that ❤️
Next update should be Friday (Aug 15) but who knows I may post sooner than that due to previously stated excitement
Next up, Mary MacDonalds-
Chapter 17: Something More
Notes:
Warnings:
Mentions of Death
Mentions of Murder
Looming Threat of Torture
Mentions of Drowning
I think….that's it? Please let me know it I missed something! These are all blink and you missed it except the looming threat of torture
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Possibly, I am something more than I suppose myself to be. - Rene Descartes
***
Dorcas and Barty sit in the two chairs across from Evan’s desk, while Peter and James stand behind them. Evan paces throughout the room causing a dizziness in James’ head. He wishes he could tell Evan to sit down, that Sirius and Regulus will be here shortly and to not worry, but the worry inside himself for where the Black brothers are is greater than any reassurance he could give. He bites his tongue, and lets Evan continue his back and forth.
They were all supposed to meet in the office at seven o'clock and put together all of the pieces of their case before the Judge arrived. It wasn’t going to be enough time to go through everything, but it would maximize the amount of time they had to work on the case, and allow for a brief overview of what everyone has accomplished. There are two people missing from their group, and James feels a weight heavy in his stomach, and the beginnings of a trickle of pain in his head.
“I just don’t understand. Where are they?” Evan asks. He rips at his fingernails with his teeth. Evan is one of those people that although he is typically calm and collected, even in stressful situations, the moment he begins to panic, the same feeling seeps out of him and engrains itself into others. The more Evan worries, the more fearful James becomes. Something’s not right. Regulus and Sirius should have been here by now.
“I believe I can answer that question.” All eyes turn to the voice that comes from the door. A man in black robes overlooks the members of the room. He stands tall, an aura of wiseness wafts off of him. He knows everything, he is the Judge to decide all, and he is the harbinger of Regulus’ fate. His hands are clasped in front of himself on top of his long white beard. He releases them for a moment to push his glasses back up his nose and returns his hands to where they once were. “He has stolen my train.” He says succinctly.
James gapes and he feels a drop in his stomach, a tumbling over a cliff's edge. “No.” He whispers to none but himself. His eyes stay trained on the newcomer and he finds himself involuntarily frozen, fear that one sudden movement could send his own fate crashing down.
Evan stands up straighter, he walks over to the Judge and holds out his hand in a welcoming gesture. “Judge. Thank you for coming.” The Judge looks down at Evan’s hand as if it were a foreign thing. He moves past Evan and sits in the chair behind the desk.
All eyes stay trained on the Judge. James is watchful of every movement. When the Judge looks back, everyone seems to sink under the watchful gaze as he makes himself comfortable in Evan’s chair. He folds his hands delicately upon the desk and says, “It appears that after I arrived, my train was commandeered by the one whose case I was to preside over today. Along with him, was Sirius Black, and the AIA that is assigned to this neighborhood. If I remember, you have a Remus model. Is that correct Evan?”
Evan gulps on air. “Yes sir, that is correct.”
“Are we just supposed to call you the Judge this whole time?” Barty asks. James looks at him wide eyed, wondering how he can say something so plainly out of turn in front of such a powerful being. Any wrong words, any feelings of disrespect the Judge may feel could impact his decision on Regulus. They don’t have the right to take risks right now, not when it’s someone else’s fate that hangs in the balance.
The Judge looks Barty over, but Barty does not bow down, he seems to grow only larger, refusing to be intimidated. “Bartemius Crouch Junior.” the Judge says with a tilt of his head, examining. “Although I understand you are fearful for your friends, I expect more respect in our coming moments together. There is a lot at stake here, is there not?”
Barty looks directly at the Judge, fierce and formidable, “I am perfectly aware of what’s at stake here.” They all are. It comes down to the five of them to plead for Regulus, who has apparently taken it upon himself to run off with Sirius without even saying goodbye. It could be for the best. If Regulus truly believed that they didn’t stand a chance to win, that’s the only reason why he would have gone. He must have left at the last moment, that’s the only reason James can give himself as to why Regulus didn’t bother to say goodbye.
The Judge nods his head in acquiescence. “To answer the question, you may all call me Albus. I must say that I am disappointed no one was at the train station to greet me upon my arrival.” He looks to Evan and Evan looks down to the floor, shame overtaking the panic he had moments ago. “Nonetheless we have many important matters to attend to. Firstly, the matter of my train. It seems as though we now have fugitives, depending upon how this case is to go. However I must say, this does not work well in Regulus’ favour. I must ask if it is known why Sirius Black has chosen to flee as well? Or if anyone knows where they have gone?”
James doesn’t like the way Albus says, fugitives, as if it’s already been decided. As if the Black brothers are criminals and there’s nothing else to say on the matter. The only good part is, besides James and Barty, no one knows about Sirius. Silence permeates the room. James will hold out for them. If Regulus and Sirius go down today, it will not be by his doing. He will do everything in his power to keep their last remaining secrets safe. His mouth forms a thin line, lips tucked away to hold back secrets that do not belong to him.
“Sirius is Regulus’ brother.” Barty says. All eyes quickly shoot to Barty. James’ jaw falls yet again. Barty only makes it worse when he says, “He was also put here by mistake. I’m guessing they saw an opportunity to leave and took it.”
Only the Judge- Albus seems to have a positive reaction to the news with his head moving in a small nod of understanding. Everyone else stares in stone cold shock. James can’t believe his ears. How could Barty give up Sirius like that? James had thought Barty had made promises to keep the secrets safe, even if that was just from Evan, this seems like something that promise should be extended to. They were his friends and he betrayed them.
“I didn’t know about that.” Evan says softly, nearly a whisper and filled with either regret or disbelief. James can’t blame him. Everyone had kept so many secrets from Evan. James learned them along the way. He had time to sit and process each new bit of information that was thrown at him, while Evan and all the others have only had days. One thing on top of another, an avalanche of treachery. Although that’s not quite the right word James thinks. No one aimed to hurt Evan in the process of trying to protect themselves, this has just become an unfortunate fallout.
“This will be reviewed as well of course.” Albus says. “As for the second question? Where have they fled to?”
There is a silence in the room that speaks plenty. No one is sure, and no one is happy about it. Albus holds his head up high and then turns to look to the empty space next to him. “Very well. Lucius?”
There is a faint ping and a man appears next to Albus. He wears a suit and tie entirely in black. His tie contains the only semblance of color, if white can be called color, with small diagonal stripes running through it. His hair is white, but not aging like Albus’, that sits straight down his back. He has a sharp jawline and in the center of his face sits a large nose. Objectively he’s quite handsome. He doesn’t have any marks on his face like Remus’ silver line. The air around him screams pretentious, and he looks both bored and disgusted to be summoned.
“Who’s this?” Dorcas asks.
“This is an Afterlife Informational Assistant from the Bad Place.” Albus explains. “This one is a Lucius model. He is here to argue against Regulus remaining in the Good Place.”
“And may I say, it is my utmost displeasure to be here.” Lucius says while examining everyone in the room. There is a sneer on his face and James wonders how this AIA could have possibly been made the same way Remus was.
“Against him?” James asks. They were all told that the case proceedings were only going to be between the Judge and people of this neighborhood, people who actually know Regulus, both the kind of person he was and the one he’s become. Someone who has never met Regulus shouldn’t get a say in his fate.
“Of course.” Albus says as though it were obvious. “I am a judge of course. I must hear both sides of the argument and as of now, Regulus is the rightful property of the Bad Place. They deserve to be heard as to why they should have claims over him.”
James doesn’t like the way Albus is talking about Regulus, as though he were an object they were fighting over in a divorce proceeding. It makes his tongue go dry and the trickle of pain in his mind turn into a steady stream. Regulus isn’t here to help ease the oncoming storm, James has to get through this on his own, and when they win, and they will win, he can get Regulus back, hold onto his hand, and James will feel his feet return to solid ground. For now he will float. It will not be aimlessly but with a destination in mind, plead the case, win, get them home safe. He will get them home safe.
Albus looks towards Lucius, “I require the files on both Regulus Black, and apparently also Sirius Black.” Lucius rolls his eyes. There is another soft ping and the files appear in Lucius’ hands. The papers look to be in disarray. Papers are falling out of folders, crumbled, folded and ripped. Lucius throws the stack onto the desk. Albus seems pleased nonetheless. “I have read up on most of the file before coming here but given the circumstances I found it prudent to arrive as soon as possible. We will begin with Regulus. Why do you believe he deserves to keep a spot in the Good Place that he did not earn?”
~*~
Regulus feels the train come to a halt. The movement awakens him fully from his sorry attempt at sleep. The neighborhood operates on its own twenty-four hour clock, so despite leaving during the late evening and only being on the train for about an hour, when Regulus looks outside the sun is shining overhead.
Sirius stands smiling wide, ready to take on whatever awaits for them. Together, Regulus, Remus and Sirius leave the train car and step out onto a small wooden platform. There is a bench and awning to protect against the sun, but other than that, there are no signs of life as far as Regulus can see.
“Where is she?” Regulus asks. He already has plenty of pent up anxiety about leaving everything and everyone behind, finding out that their destination was in the middle of nowhere isn’t helping.
Remus shrugs, “I’m not sure.” Sirius and Regulus turn to look at him with concern. “I don’t have access to my typical knowledge out here. I should have uploaded more specific details before we left but we were in a bit of a rush.” He turns to Regulus, “I would have if someone hadn’t only decided we were leaving at the last second.”
“Are you- Are you making fun of me?” Regulus asks. Not because he’s confused if that’s what Remus is doing but because it’s Remus who’s doing it. He didn’t think Remus had it in him to make fun of people.
Sirius jumps into Remus’ arms and kisses him hard. Regulus turns away, not wanting to look at whatever is going on between the two. He mimes a gag which causes them to break apart. “I love you.” He hears Sirius whisper.
Remus wraps an arm around Sirius’ lower back and holds onto his hip, pulling him close. “I have never teased anyone before. I thought it would be fun to try. Either way,” He looks around into the barren nothingness, “It looks like we will have to walk until we find Mary.”
Sirius points out into the distance, “I think I see a path that way. We could try that?”
With no better plan in place, they walk towards the path and take it. The area is devoid of much. There are no trees, only dried out clumps of tall grass. While the neighborhood was temperature regulated, this no man's land has a scorching sun that beats down on them through their trek. Regulus shivers as he feels beads of sweat drip down his back. They reach the dirt pathway and allow it to guide them to wherever it may lead.
Crickets chirp nearby. There is a consistent crunching of shoes and boots on top of brown things that may have once been luscious plants. Breath comes in increased staggered-ness due to the heat and exertion. It feels as though they walk for miles. Remus makes sure to let everyone know it has only been about twenty minutes. Regulus glares at him for the reality of the comment, muttering under his breath, “No one even asked you.”
Regulus feels relief when finally, in a short distance he sees the outline of a house. The closer they get the more details he’s able to make out. It’s a one-story home painted entirely in red. Surrounding the house is a carefully attended green garden, a stark contrast to the plants that hang from the porch awning on the cusp of death.
They approach the front door of the house. Sirius urges Regulus forward, encouraging him to knock. Regulus shoots his brother a look over his shoulder to show how much he doesn’t appreciate being shoved, or being forced to be the one to make first contact with the woman they’ve gone to for help. Sirius is the older brother, the strong protector, the hero, why can’t he be the one to knock on the door? For all they know, this person was once a good samaritan that was driven insane and deemed too unfit for the Bad Place. She could be crazy, psychotic, a murderer for all they know.
Regulus, refusing to back down in front of his brother, gives three hard raps on the door. There is a clanging from inside the house. Pots and pans tumbling over. A clash of glass against a hard surface. Memories of his childhood resurface quickly and he unconsciously takes a step back, distancing himself from what may be waiting inside. What were they thinking? Running away and leaving James and Barty behind and coming to this person that they don’t even know in the hopes that maybe, maybe, she would let them camp out here while demons try and track them down? It’s absurd. It’s insane. They should all turn back now before she comes to the door and-
The door opens, slowly and cautiously, and only enough to peek through. Regulus sees her eyes first, dark brown to match her skin, fear encasing them. The careful black coils of her hair come to her shoulders. Although Regulus can’t see much of her, the parts he can see tell him she is absolutely beautiful. The afterlife seems to take all the beautiful people and hide them away, the world no longer deserving to look upon them.
“Who are you?” She whispers through the crack in the door. “What do you want?” She seems almost fearful and Regulus relaxes. This is not a person that will hurt them. She’s lived alone here for god knows how long and has probably never had anyone come knocking on her door. She has a right to be terrified, he’s nothing more than an intruder to her peaceful, solitary existence.
“I’m Regulus.” He says carefully with a hand on his chest. He gestures to those standing behind him, “And this is my brother Sirius and an AIA Remus. We were put in the Good Place by mistake and were caught so we fled here. We can tell you our story if you’d like. Can we come in?”
She seems to weigh his words, trying to decide if there’s any truth behind them. She nods her head a few times carefully and opens the door the rest of the way, stepping to the side to let them in. Regulus tries to move slowly, to not startle the woman. Sirius and Remus follow behind.
She leads them to the living room, a drab thing filled with muted tones of grey and brown. There are few pieces of decor, each more boring than the next. A picture of a singular rock hangs on the wall. Magazines about the history of golf are splayed across the coffee table. Around the corner and into the kitchen, Regulus can see the shining remnants of broken glass. He tries to take in as much as he can, of the place he hopes to soon call his new home, if Mary will let him.
She takes a seat on the couch and Regulus follows, trying to keep a respectful distance away from Mary. “Would you like anything to drink?” She asks, looking between the three of them. Her eyes linger on Remus a bit more than Regulus or Sirius. Regulus restrains himself from making a comment towards her, telling her to leave Remus alone. He remains still, keeping his hands in his lap and watching her careful movements.
“No, we’re okay.” He tells her. She nods her head and pulls her socked feet up to the couch, pressing her legs against her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees. “We’ve heard a bit about you Mary.” Regulus starts. “We don’t know a lot, just that the Good and Bad Places can’t come here. They call this the Medium Place and you’re all on your own. What happened? How did you end up here?”
Her eyes go back to Remus and train on him. Regulus feels a tightening in his gut. “You first.” She says, more confidently than she has been this entire time.
Regulus doesn’t hesitate. He’s told this entire story so many times now. He could single handedly write out an entire book point by point of the things he’s experienced and the things he’s caused since he found out he was dead. She hangs onto every word, but her gaze never leaves Remus. By the time Regulus is done, Sirius begins to speak. He tells his own rendition of events that led him here. He skips over the parts that Regulus was involved in, Regulus already told those. He even talks about the parts involving Remus, seeming to become increasingly more irritated the longer Mary refuses to look away from his- Well Regulus isn’t really sure what Sirius and Remus are. It doesn’t change the way Sirius’ words come out more rushed and the glare he throws at Mary despite her refusal to acknowledge it.
“And you?” She asks towards Remus when Sirius reaches the point where Regulus came to him a little over an hour ago. “What’s your story?”
Remus falters under the question’s weight. He squeezes onto Sirius’ hand but is sure to speak directly to Mary, “I’m not quite sure yet.” A vague answer, yet appropriate. Regulus can’t tell if he’s lying or telling the truth. The only time he has ever been sure of Remus lying was when they were shutting him down. That doesn’t mean that Remus hasn’t suddenly gained the ability to lie, it seems he’s already gained a few new skills like sarcasm and the ability to make fun of people, why not lying?
“So,” Regulus says and for the first time since they all sat down Mary turns her gaze towards him instead of Remus, “Now that you know all about us, what about you?”
Mary bites her lower lip and considers. “I’ve never had the chance to tell anyone what happened to me. Some bits and pieces I don’t know because they happened after I died and it may be a bit muddled. I’ve never even spoken to myself about it.”
Regulus nods, encouraging her to continue. She looks down at her hands and fiddles with her fingers. She starts by saying, “I’m not even quite sure where to begin.”
Regulus settles himself into the couch, nestling away within the folds of the fabric. At one point he realizes he grabbed a pillow and started holding it close to his chest. He rubs his hand along the pillows edges and traces the embroidered design with the tips of his fingers. He isn’t prepared for the story that’s about to be laid out in front of him. Nothing could have truly prepared him for the ending.
~*~
“I haven’t had the opportunity to know Regulus for a long time,” Dorcas says, “but I’ve heard his story. He told me about the kind of person he was on Earth and the things he’s done since he arrived. He’s made friends here. People care about him. People like Peter who call him a friend, even if they aren’t super close have come out in support of him. Shouldn’t that be enough?”
James knew that this was the approach Dorcas was going to take. She admitted that she had spoken to Regulus earlier, and told him that she didn’t think anything they said was truly going to convince the Judge that he should be able to stay. There was no precedent to be found in any of the books she had looked through with Peter. All they have is their testimonies to what they’ve heard and witnessed themselves and from others.
Albus doesn’t take long to consider Dorcas’ words. “Anyone can be deceptive Miss. Meadows. Having the ability to make friends or gain a person's trust does not make a person good. It is good to hear how he was able to bond with people but we have no way of knowing that it was not under false pretenses. Bad people frequently befriend those that are kind.”
Lucius sighs loudly in the corner of the room. “It’s more fun that way. He could have easily been either trying to hide his true identity or turn your precious residents into evil doers. I could give some famous examples from history that did the same if you’d like?”
“No thank you Lucius.” Albus says, “Although, that is a good point.”
James hears a huff of laughter from Barty. He chooses to ignore it. His head is throbbing. This isn’t a great start. Having Dorcas speak first was a tactical decision to see how difficult it was going to be to persuade the Judge. Start by playing the lowest cards they have and then work upwards. Since Dorcas knew Regulus for the least amount of time and knew the least about him personally, it seemed obvious she would be the first one to plead his case. Albus bat away all she had to say too easily and accepted the Bad Places’ take. This is going to be so much harder than James first thought.
He by no means thought that this would be easy. The system for the afterlife, as Evan had explained, has been in place since the dawn of time. Regulus is the first mistake to ever occur. Turning the tides, changing the way things operate would never be a simple task. That didn’t have to mean it was impossible. They were supposed to be getting a fair trial, but now James isn’t so sure that that is what’s going to happen.
Peter speaks next. “Like Dorcas said, I was friends with Regulus. We weren’t best friends like him and Barty or as close as he was with James but we were friends. The moment I heard what he really was I went to his side to help. He apologized right away, and he meant it. I could tell with every fiber of my being that he meant it. He regrets what he put us through but he was only trying to survive. Most of us have agreed that if we were put in the same position we wouldn’t have acted any different-”
“Boring!” Lucius yells out of nowhere, cutting Peter off. “He apologized and I knew he meant it.” Lucius' voice is high pitched and at the end he mimics a baby crying. He holds his hands up to his eyes in fists and twists his wrist in a dramatic sobbing gesture. As quickly as he started he drops his hands, “Boo-hoo. Do you feel bad for me yet? For having to put up with your excuse of a reasoning? Oh sorry,” He holds his hands up to his chest and pouts out his bottom lip, “I didn’t mean it. Do forgive me won’t you?.” He scoffs, “See how pathetic you sound?”
Albus opens up Regulus’ file, finds a random piece of paper and flips it over to the blank side. He grabs a pen from Evan’s small cup of writing utensils. He licks the tip of the pen with his tongue before jotting down a note to himself. When he is done he looks up, seemingly confused as to why all eyes are on him. “Although I know all, I do like to keep my ideas organized. I have to say Lucius makes a fine point against the first part of your argument Peter. As for the second, it does not matter what others would have done in Regulus’ position. You were not in it and we cannot say if you would have truly acted the same. You are not the one on trial here, Regulus is, and any anecdotes of what you would or would not do will not be admitted as evidence.”
Peter nods his head in understanding and then looks down to the hands in his lap. Two down, three to go. Dorcas and Peter were just the beginnings of what they were going to argue. It was Evan’s idea to take the physical proof approach, while James backs up the work done with his own anecdotes of the lessons he and Regulus shared. It’s still unclear what Barty’s going to say when his time comes, but from the way things are already going, James hopes Barty has a solid plan.
It’s time for Evan’s turn. Evan clears his throat and steps up to the desk with a large stack of papers in his hand. His back faces James and the other humans. He places the papers on the desk in front of Albus, and begins to speak.
“What I have here is a collection of assignments completed by Regulus. During his time here he was under the tutelage of James. They had ethics lessons in secret and during these lessons James provided a series of homework and essay assignments. If you read through these, you can see how Regulus’ mind and perspective changed throughout time. He started off not caring. You can see in these papers here, the ones from the beginning, he barely took notes. As time goes on look here- look at this essay he wrote about Rene Descartes’ Discourse on Method, ‘Possibly, I am something more than I suppose myself to be’. He wrote twelve pages about that one line and what it meant to him.
“He has shown he cares a great deal about improvement. If he were given the opportunity on Earth to do the same, I believe he would have done so. He has worked so hard to improve himself, and if you read through these things that he has written you will see for yourself just how far he has come.”
Evan ends his speech with a small nod of his head. These papers are something private that was shared between Regulus and James and it is now up to be scrutinized, but if this is what will save Regulus? The inner workings of Regulus’ mind on full display for everyone to see. James will do anything at this point, and as mad as he wants to be at Evan for giving away all that work Regulus did, he can’t help but feel a leap of hope in his heart. Evan put it so perfectly. It’s all written there in black and white.
“These are just words in black and white.” Albus says. James’ heart leaps all the way into his throat, choking. “This is as I have already said before, something that can be altered for the sake of deception. Who is to say that Regulus simply realized that the work was not passing to James’ liking and he feared James would turn him in if he did not show signs of improvement? Twelve pages seems like a bit much for one quote from Descartes.”
Albus looks down to his notes and scribbles down a few more things. James wants to reach over and see what he’s writing. Instead he stays seated, worrying that any movement he might make might send his body into full motion, jumping across the desk. “Alright Bartemius,” Albus says. “I hear you mumbling over there with your ‘I told you so’s’ If you believe you have a better argument, speak it. As of now things are not looking to be in your favour so I suggest you be convincing.”
“I had suggested to Evan that we take a numerical approach to showing Regulus’ innocence by way of the point system.” The words run off Barty’s tongue through the sneer of his mouth. “Clearly that would have worked out better. Like. I. Said.” Evan shoots Barty a glare, but that only seems to make Barty angrier.
“Calm down. This isn’t the time.” Dorcas says.
Barty’s head whips around. His eyes throw daggers her way. “Your argument failed us right from the start so I don’t think you have any room to talk. He’s already made up his mind so I don’t see why we have to keep on with this. Regulus is guilty and he’s being sent away. But wait, oh that’s right, no one even knows where he is! Why don’t we focus on that first before we go pointing fingers on who to blame for why we’re all here in the first place?”
“It sounds as though you are speaking against him.” Albus says calmly, as if he almost expected this.
“Maybe I am.” Barty says. James doesn’t hold himself back this time. He reaches over and grabs Barty by the front of his shirt, pulling him in close. They’re face to face and James reels his arm back. Barty doesn’t look the least bit shocked. “Wanted another kiss that bad?”
James throws Barty back down, disgusted that he let himself have such a strong reaction. Barty straightens out his clothes, pulling at the hem of his t-shirt and running a hand through his hair. “He was my friend too.” Barty spits out, “He was my friend and I helped him through so much while you were off being a little shit with Sirius. He helped me realize Sirius was never going to love me like he was supposed to. He has us do all this work to save him and then runs off with the brother he supposedly hates. I’m allowed to be mad about that.”
Barty turns to Albus, cheeks flushed from anger, from James throwing him around, “But no. Unfortunately I’m not speaking against him. I’m mad at him because he left and I’m mad because you have already decided but you’re acting like you haven’t. Go ahead, give your ruling. Let this be over with.”
Albus sits still, the only movement a rhythmic tapping of his pen against the desk. “Very well. I do believe however that there was only one more testimony that was to be made.” He turns and looks at James. James shrinks under the watchful blue eyes. “James. You may say your piece.”
“I- I-” James looks around the room, at all of the people who have gathered to speak on Regulus’ behalf. He realizes he can’t find the right words, not the ones that will matter. His mind becomes a merry-go-round of thoughts, circling and doubling ba- No. Not this time. Not with so much at stake. This isn’t finding out that Dorcas exists. This isn’t finding out that Regulus doesn’t belong. This is about saving Regulus. His mind can spin later but for now he must focus or there will be no Regulus to save.
James has always worried about doing the right thing, about being loyal to those he cares most about and staying by their side no matter what. He is being pushed to his limits for all he’s ever believed in and held dear. He thinks of all of the quotes and lessons he wrote down in his notebook that sits on the other side of the room. He thinks of all of the books he’s scoured through in the past three days and he finds that none of them matter, not right now, because those aren’t the right words.
“Regulus Black grew up in an abusive home from the moment he was born until he was eighteen and ran away.” He begins to tell the tale of a brave, noble, and kind man. He recites all of the stories of Regulus’ life that he knows. He goes on about Regulus’ afterlife. He tells the bits and pieces everyone knows and some of the ones they don’t. Selfishly, even now, with so much on the line, he keeps some moments to himself. He doesn’t let them know about the day Regulus fell asleep in his arms or the moments they shared in silence, so close to one another. He doesn’t tell them about how many times he has felt the desire to reach out and touch Regulus’ cheek, counting the freckles like precious gems.
He does talk about Regulus grounding him back to the world. He talks about the way Regulus treated Remus, someone who couldn’t share any of Regulus’ secrets, but Regulus was kind to him anyways. He tells them that although Regulus didn’t shut down Remus he was there, and he constantly wondered if he did the right thing because that’s it right there! Regulus was always wondering if he was doing the right thing. Yes he messed up and made mistakes, he had failures but he is human, just like the majority of the people in this room. But he learned from them and he grew. He aimed to be better with every fiber of his being even when he was working against everything that told him it was impossible, and that it wasn’t worth it, that he wasn’t worth it.
“It’s just like Evan said. He’s learning and growing, he’s becoming better, he's just doing it after he died. If he was given more time on Earth this is who he could’ve become. How can we fault him for that? Where is the justice in saying he belongs in the Bad Place because he died too young?” James concedes the floor and takes a step back.
Albus gives a small nod of his head, “Thank you James. That was very…enlightening, although a tad too emotionally driven for my taste.” He takes the papers on the desk and puts them back into a singular disarrayed stack. “I have made my decision.”
~*~
“When I was a kid I had an amazing life.” Mary begins, “I was blessed in every way imaginable. I was surrounded by friends, family, and love. We always had food on the table, a roof over our heads, and we were always laughing. Always laughing.” She smiles as she talks about the memories of her childhood. Regulus wonders what that would have been like for him, to have a family that loved each other that much. He looks over at Sirius and finds his brother hanging onto every word, maybe he’s wondering the same thing.
“The only trouble I ever got into was the kind every kid does, a missed homework assignment because I would rather go outside and play, a snuck cookie from the jar kind of thing. I really don’t know what happened, but as I grew up, even though all those things stayed the same, I changed. I forgot how to be happy.” Her words drift off. Now there is something Regulus can relate to. It’s not that he had forgotten how to be happy, it’s more that he’s not sure he ever truly knew how to be.
Growing up in a bad home doesn’t guarantee a happy child or an unhappy one, and the same goes for a good home. Two sides of the same coin. A child who lost their happiness and another who never had it to begin with. It’s the unfortunate way of life and Regulus can’t help the desire to reach out, to hold her hand as she tells her story. He remains still, keeping his hands to himself.
She taps on her thumb, her eyes train on the movement as she talks, her voice nearly monotone. “I was very complacent. I did as I was told and nothing more. I wasn’t getting into trouble but I wasn’t necessarily doing good things either. I was just kind of- floating through life I guess is the best way to put it. Day in, day out. By the time I became an adult it was more of the same. Wake up, brush my hair and teeth, go to work, I didn’t interact with my coworkers, I did good job, left, returned home, had dinner, went to bed. Over and over and over again.”
She sniffs her nose and rubs at it with the palm of her hand. She plays with her fingernails, listening to the soft clicking sound each time she rubs against it. “Then one day I woke up just the same. I felt the same way I always did, like I was just existing and letting life happen to me, instead of living life, but that day for some reason that thought made me so angry.” Her voice rises on the last word, the anger of then seeping into now, “I was mad. I was mad at my life and at myself for letting this become my life. I was all alone” Her voice cracks, “and I missed the kid I used to be, the one that was always laughing. I don’t really know how else to explain it.”
She readjusts her sitting stance, pulling her legs close to her chest, holding on as if it is the only thing that can ground her. Regulus isn’t sure where this story is going, what this has to do with how she ended up here but he doesn’t dare interrupt. He can sense that even if he doesn’t see the importance of saying all of these things out loud, it’s important to Mary, and he’ll let her have this. He came bearing nothing to offer her and asked for a safe haven from the dangers that lurk outside, this is the least he can offer in return, an ear to hear her story.
Mary tries to compose herself. She takes a deep breath once, then twice before continuing, “So I went to this man I knew. His company worked with the one I was at so we chatted a few times. It was all professional, but I knew a lot about the work he did, he was a big talker like that, about that kind of stuff. I knew he could help me out with what I wanted to do. I had decided that I wanted to start a charity, one that helped people feel the way I did when I was a kid. We drew up the plans together. I didn’t have a partner or kids or anything so I threw every cent I had into it and he did the same. At least, he told me he did the same.”
“We started to build something together.” A small smile forms on her lips. Her words begin to come out quicker the more she talks about the good parts. “Something beautiful. It was going to change the world. We were going to help LGBT kids, youths experiencing homelessness, cancer patients, anyone we could get our hands on and help.” She pauses, as if to reorient herself back into why she’s telling this story, the point of it all, and Regulus knows the good parts of this story are over. “It was wonderful, seeing all of the things we were able to accomplish together, until it wasn’t.”
Regulus doesn’t stop himself any longer. He reaches a hand out. A daring gesture to say that he is here. He has little strength left, but she can borrow some. She looks down at the hand with furrowed brows. When she looks up to Regulus he offers a small smile. He hopes it’s one of comfort, to say that he’s safe. She reaches out slowly and takes his hand in her own and holds on as finishes her tale.
“One day I was looking through some accounting documents and some of the numbers weren’t adding up right. So I went to my partner and asked him about it. He started acting weird, telling me to ignore it and saying that he would look into it himself personally. I had told him that this was my charity too and I needed to know what was going on, to make sure the mistake didn’t happen again. He kept fighting me on it and eventually- eventually I found out the truth. He had been stealing money from the organization. Years of work, hundreds of thousands of pounds and I never would have known if I hadn’t looked at that document.”
There are tears slowly falling from her eyes, cascading down her cheeks. She doesn’t cry out but quietly lets them fall. Her final words come out slightly hiccuped, a testament to how strong she is for continuing.
“He apologized and told me he was going to stop and that he was going to give all the money back. I believed him. I don’t know why but I did. I thought I could trust him.” Anger at herself, and guilt at the decision is clear. Regulus doesn’t understand how Mary could have continued to trust her partner after that, but he had never had someone that he was close enough to to trust, not on any real level. Not since Sirius.
“It was years later that I found out he never stopped. He tried to tell me the same thing again, that he would stop, he would give it back but I told him that it wasn’t going to be enough, that I couldn’t trust him anymore. I wanted him to quit. I told him that he was lucky I didn’t turn him into the authorities then and there. That scared him.” Regulus squeezes her hand and she lets the rest remain unsaid. He can guess at the rest, she doesn’t need to continue.
“Thank you.” She whispers. “I’ve never been able to tell anyone before.” She rubs at her eyes, removing the tear drops with her palm. “So when I died the question became, did I lose the points I earned from the charity by allowing him to go on for so long? There was a big debate about it. I don’t know how long it took because when I woke up I was already here.”
“That doesn’t seem right.” Sirius says from across the room. He’s holding onto Remus’ hand in a tight grip and Remus is rubbing small circles into the back of Sirius’ hand. Sirius looks both upset and agitated and for the first time in Regulus’ life, he wonders how his brother could be so cruel. “You didn’t steal the money so why are you being punished for it?”
“I knew about it and I did nothing to stop it.” Mary says, anger seeping through her, at herself or Sirius, Regulus can’t say. “He told me he would quit but part of me knew that wasn’t going to happen. He had a sick wife and a kid at home. He had become too money hungry at that point. Even if I wasn’t doing it directly I was still complacent in his acts.”
Sirius quickly shuts his mouth. Personally, Regulus thinks it’s one of the smartest things his brother has ever done. “And either way,” Mary continues, “I’m not being punished. That’s the whole point of this place. The Good and Bad Place made this compromise. If one couldn’t have me, neither could the other. They built this place for me. The Good Place provided a bunch of things that I love and then the Bad Place modified it to make it more medium.”
“Wait.” Regulus says. Although he had been listening, his attention had been more focused on his brother at the time. His mind is finally catching up to something Mary had said earlier. “What was the name of the man you worked with? Your partner at the charity?”
Mary lets go of Regulus' hand, and he realizes he asked the wrong question. “I don’t want to speak his name ever again. He’s the reason I’m here. Not the Medium Place but dead.”
“You said he had a kid.” Regulus tries. “What was his kid's name? What were they like?”
Mary waves her hand dismissively, “He was always pretty private about his life at home. I barely was able to learn he had a child. From what I was told though the kid took over my position after I died. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear if they were working as a team now to steal money. I don’t see why that matters though. Why are you asking?”
Regulus shakes his head, “No it’s okay. It’s not important.” He tries to shake the thoughts loose from his mind, reorienting himself to the present and away from whatever may be happening back in the neighborhood.
They decide to part ways for a bit, to let each other's stories sink in. After hearing Mary’s, Regulus isn’t sure his is so bad. She agrees to let them stay the night for now, and says she’ll have a decision for them tomorrow if she’s willing to risk letting them stay in her home. For now, that’s all Regulus could possibly ask for.
He ventures around the house and finds a Frieda McFadden novel to sit down and read for a bit. By the time he gets to the end he realizes the last few pages have been removed. The book wasn’t that good but he still wanted to know if he got the twist right.
Regulus is pleased to find tea in the house and makes himself a glass, only to spit it out when it tastes like it’s been steeped in cold water instead of hot, despite the fact that he had watched the water come to a complete boil before pouring it over the leaves. “This doesn’t feel very medium. This is straight torture.” He mumbles to himself.
~*~
James feels frozen. His body refuses to move any muscle as he looks forward to Albus, waiting for the results. He tried his best to plead for Regulus, to show how far he’s come, but Regulus’ fate lies in the Judge’s hands now. Albus looks around the room, not letting his eyes linger on one particular person for too long as he says, “Regulus will be sent to the Bad Place.”
The air in James’ lungs leaves him. Peter whispers a small, “No.” Barty inhales sharply. Dorcas gasps and then covers his mouth with both hands. Evan stares wide eyed. None of them can believe it. All of the work they did, all of the angles they tried to present for their arguments, none of it mattered.
After the shock, anger begins to take its place in James’ chest. All of the work they did, and it was for nothing. Three days spent trying to formulate arguments from different perspectives. Testimonies given that say Regulus has improved, but none of it was listened to. This Judge doesn’t care about facts, he doesn’t care about justice. All he seems to care about is order, and sentencing Regulus would be the easiest way to achieve that. There would be no more loose ends, no rules to amend. A clean break.
Lucius clicks his tongue in the corner of the room and saunters over next to Albus. “Oh Judgey, that's nice and all but we still don’t know where he is.”
James perks up a bit. Lucius is right, they have no idea where Regulus and Sirius are. They can’t be sent away if they’re not even here. He looks towards the others in the room, and they seem to come to the same realization. There is still a bit of hope left to have, if they can just grip onto it for a little bit longer.
The Judge shows his first sign of true emotion by sending a small glare towards the AIA. “I am well aware of that Lucius. Thank you.”
“But why?” James says, louder than he intended to but quieter than he should have. Even if he has hope, he wants an answer from the Judge’s mouth. He wants to hear the real reason why his friends are being sent away, because them being deemed bad people isn’t right. There’s something more to it, something hidden behind this ruling. “How can you send him away like that?”
Albus sighs in a tired way, already done with the humans he’s been forced to interact with. “The system is put in place to judge a person’s time on Earth. Regulus may have made improvements in his time here, and had he lived longer he could have become a reflection of the Regulus we see today. However, this does not change the kind of person he was on Earth. As for Sirius, as I understand it, he did not cause any effects on the neighborhood through his actions, but he also did not aim to better himself like Regulus did. There is no case for him either. Sirius will also be sent to the Bad Place.”
“How can you say that?” Barty asks, his voice raised in disbelief. “Who are you deciding where he ends up going? This clearly wasn’t a fair trial from the beginning. You walked in here having already decided how it was going to play out. You let us talk and show you proof that he’s become better but you’re choosing to ignore it. It was rigged from the beginning.”
“I am the Judge.” Albus says with no inflection in his voice. “And what this is, is justice. Rest assured we will see to it that an error like this never happens again.”
Everyone sits with the news of Regulus being condemned. James’ heart aches. He tried so hard, he thought he said all of the right things but it wasn’t enough. Maybe Barty has a point, maybe it was never going to be enough. The Judge seemed pretty set on sending Regulus away from the moment he arrived. This was never going to be a fair trial. They’ve been toyed with, played, but none of that matters, it can’t really. Not when Regulus and Sirius are both about to be sent away to the Bad Place to be tortured for the rest of time. Dorcas was only there for about a month and the trauma of what she experienced is seeped into her enough that she flinches when people move too quickly around her.
James looks over to Dorcas and although he sees a strong woman standing before him today, he wonders how much they broke away from her. Are there pieces of her that will always remain lost and down there with the demons? Could she ever truly be whole after what she experienced? Her afterlife has been tainted and that was only a few weeks worth of experiences. Sirius and Regulus will have it far worse. He imagines the Bad Place demons saying that they have some catching up to do and trying to make up for the time that they lost while the brothers were here and Dorcas was there in their stead.
So much pain, and so much agony. It’s made worse by the unknowing. James will never truly know what they must suffer through. He’ll only have the depths his imagination will allow. His mind rifles through everything he knows about the Blacks, and what they’re scared of. How many times will Regulus be able to watch Sirius leaving him behind before he breaks? How many beatings and cruel words from their parents will he be able to stand? How many times can they make him think he’s drowning?
It’s cruel, it’s awful, it’s torture. James’ mind throbs in his head. He brings a hand to both sides of his temples and presses down with his palms, willing the pain to go away, for a bit of reprieve. Please let the thoughts stop. He begs his mind to concede, to set him free. Please. He tries to make the word override all of the others. Will Sirius have to watch Regulus get hurt? Will they convince him that Regulus joined in on the family trade and was killed during a job? Will they tell him that the only way to save Regulus is to kill Remus? Will they make him choose again?
Come back to me. A delicate whisper against the harsh thoughts. A voice traveled through space and time. A memory resurfaced, not of panic and fear but of a man holding his hand, asking him to come back, to return home. He tries to root his feet onto the floor and feel the pressure beneath himself. He takes a deep breath through his nose. The air is stale and sharp like a freshly polished desk. The voices of now slowly come back to him, Barty is unwillingly becoming silent. Peter has restrained him. James opens his eyes and finds no one noticed for a moment he was gone. There you are.
Although the panic of the situation remains, it is layered with a small sense of peace. James must remain and continue to fight for those he loves. He must continue on in their name. If he can’t convince the Judge to spare the Black brothers, he’ll find another way to go about it.
“Lucius, come here.” Albus says. Lucius approaches Albus. The Judge stands tall from his seat and grabs onto Lucius’ wrist. “Oh blasted I can never remember where the button is.” He looks Lucius’ body over and eventually finds what he’s looking for behind the AIA’s right ear. He presses the area hard. The words he says next, send James far, far away.
Notes:
I moved over to Ellipsus for writing and I'm still figuring out formatting so apologies if it looks weird
Only three more chapters to go 😭
Let me know your thoughts, theories, etc ❤️
Chapter 18: To Be Fooled
Notes:
I changed all the chapter titles again whoops. I promise I'll stop now 😭
Warnings:
Threat of Torture
Reference to Walburga and Orion's A+ parenting
References to Death
Possible mistranslations
I think that's it. This is a big one. Enjoyyyyyy and lmk when you think :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true. - Søren Kierkegaard
***
Sirius can see the way that Regulus is struggling to grasp the reality of their new situation, so he leaves his brother be for now. He takes Remus by the hand and guides him through the house until he finds a bedroom that appears to not be in use. Odd for a house that was made for only one person. As soon as they’re inside the bedroom he pushes Remus down onto the bed. Remus smirks up at him and Sirius gives him a smirk of a smile.
Sirius climbs onto the bed and promptly lays across Remus’ chest. Remus wraps his arms around Sirius and rubs lightly across his back. “This isn’t what I was thinking when you pushed me on the bed like that.” Remus teases.
Sirius rests his chin on Remus’ chest and looks up to him with large eyes, “There will be plenty of time for that. For now though,” He returns his cheek to Remus’ warmth and snuggles in close, “this is perfect.”
Remus chuckles lightly. “It feels weird.” Sirius confesses. “Knowing that we’re safe here. I keep waiting for someone to break down the door and take us all away.” Remus hums as he traces random shapes into Sirius’ back. “I spent so much of my life worrying that my family was going to come after me, and I know Reggie felt the same way. I stayed close so I could keep an eye on them but he was always running. I don’t know how he’ll do with staying still. I don’t know if he knows how.”
“He’ll learn to be at peace here. It will take some time but he will figure it out.” Remus’ words are a comfort to Sirius’ ears. He always knows just what to say. Sirius can’t help but wonder about how much time it would take. In many months from now, or years even, will Regulus still keep on eye trained on the front door, waiting for the moment when it will be knocked in? Or will he pace the halls, preparing his feet for the inevitable motion of fleeing once again? Regulus is not a creature that’s meant to be stagnant. He is not meant to be held in place. It’s a survival instinct, and in the end it did kill him.
It may be a lifetime's worth of days before Regulus can learn to be at peace, but Sirius will stay by him through it all. They can work on their relationship, and Sirius will keep pushing for them to be closer. He wants to hear everything about Regulus’ life, even the pieces he already knows from reading Regulus’ file, but he wants to hear it from his brother’s mouth directly, the way he was meant to find out.
They are Blacks, and just like everyone else in their tainted bloodline, they were not meant to live easy lives. But that’s the thing right there now isn’t it? They aren’t alive anymore. They no longer have lives to live, but afterlives to experience. There will be hard days and there will be easy ones but they’ll find ways to work through it together. It already seems like Mary and Regulus could be friends, and Sirius will always have Remus to come to when things get hard. Sirius then has a hundred thoughts, one proceeding another.
“Darling, how do you say ‘wolf’ in different languages?” Sirius asks without looking up. Remus pauses rubbing his back so Sirius adjusts himself to look at Remus. “What?”
“That’s just an odd thing to ask given the conversation.” Remus says with a raised eyebrow and half upturn of his mouth. “But who am I to deny you? There’s the Spanish, lobo. French loup.” Sirius shakes his head no, this isn’t quite what he’s looking for. “Very well. There’s kurt in Turkish, susi in Finnish. Varg, vuk, wilk, lupo, lupin-”
“That one.” Sirius cuts in. “The last one, lupin, what language is that?”
Remus looks at him curiously, “Latin. It’s not a direct translation that would be lupus but-” He cuts himself off, looking down to Sirius’ wide smile. “Why?”
“You're not the only one with a million thoughts.” Sirius says. “I was thinking about you, as I usually am, and then I was thinking about how you don’t have a last name. But what last name could possibly be good enough for you? You obviously can’t have mine, not because I don’t want you to but because it’s been tainted. So I was thinking about what makes you, you. You are my moon, my moonbeam, my moody moon, my Moony if you will. Then I started thinking about other things that like the moon and that brought me to wolves. It’s also fitting because of the story of Remus and Romulus. Remus Wolf is a terrible name though so I thought maybe a different language. All of this to say, Remus, will you allow me the honor of bestowing you with a last name so when you make me upset I can chastise you properly? Will you be Remus Lupin for me?”
Sirius ends his long rambling of words and looks to Remus with an innocent look and a hope. “You can say no of course. I won’t be offended if you prefer to be Remus.” Sirius says, and he means it. If Remus was to change nothing about himself for all time, Sirius would still love him. If he were to change nearly every part of himself, Sirius fears he would love him still.
Remus smiles softly, “I once told you that you are the only person to give to me instead of constantly taking. I would take anything you’re willing to give. If a last name is one of those things, I will now be Remus Lupin. I do hope though that you never have to use it because I’ve made you upset. Maybe one day we will call you Sirius Lupin as well.”
Sirius finds himself blushing at the thought. He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to Remus’ lips. “Love you.” He whispers.
“I love you too.” Remus says back. Sirius feels a warmth grow inside him, a happiness unlike anything he’s ever known. He presses his cheek into Remus’ chest and lays with his eyes closed, taking in the moment for all it is. A fresh start, a new beginning, a rise of something beautiful.
Suddenly, the moment is broken. Remus releases his hold on Sirius and sits up straight and begins to speak in a voice that doesn’t belong to him. “Regulus and Sirius Black.” The voice is aged and one Sirius has never heard before. He jumps back out of shock and fear. What’s going on? “This is Albus Dumbledore, the Judge between the Good and Bad Place realms. You have been sentenced to spend the rest of your eternities in the Bad Place. We do not know where you are, but if you do not return to your neighborhood within two hours, James Potter and Barty Crouch Jr. will be sent to the Bad Place to bear your punishment. We expect to see you soon.”
When the message is over, Sirius can see the way Remus comes back into himself. His eyes shrink, and with a small shake of his head he seems to understand what just happened. “It’s okay Sirius.” Remus tries to reassure him, “AIAs can be used as communication tools between one another. It’s how different neighborhoods can communicate if necessary. What did I say?”
Sirius barely manages to get the words out, “You said— You said we have to go back.”
~*~
Everyone is silent. No one dares to speak any words out loud. Albus has just made his decree of Regulus’ guilt known to wherever the Black brothers are hiding, and if they don’t return, James and Barty will be sent away instead. Fear is all James can feel. It’s all consuming. Not for the idea of being sent away to the Bad Place himself, but for the idea that Regulus and Sirius may come, despite what this is, a trap. Barty and James have done nothing wrong, they earned their places here and if Albus believed everything he said himself, this wouldn’t be justice of any kind. Either way, James knows they’ll come.
“This is bullshit!” Barty yells as he gets closer to Albus’ face. “We didn’t do anything! Why would we be sent away?”
Albus is calm and collected when he speaks, “You and James have both admitted to helping both of these criminals. You are the two people here who knew of both of their status’ before this meeting began. You admitted as much when you made us aware that they are brothers. No bad deeds will go unpunished in the Good Place. This is a place of tranquility, peace, and good actions. You have both done bad things in the name of the Blacks, and if they do not return in the time I have allotted, as I said, you will bear their punishment.”
James still doesn’t believe it. He understands the argument being put against him, but something about it just doesn’t make sense. If Albus believes Regulus and Sirius to be selfish people, bad people, he would have no real reason to think they would come back. They would stay wherever they are hiding away where they’re safe, and never returning for fear of being caught. That’s not what they’ll do though, and James knows it. He watches as Albus has Lucius summon a clock with a two hour timer, minutes have already passed.
Barty walks over to Evan and grabs him by the hand, leading him out of the office. James ignores it, as he focuses on the steady shake of his leg, his foot tapping against the floor. Barty’s rage is in no way going to help, but James isn’t sure rolling over and accepting it will work in their favour either.
“James?” Peter says. He walks over to James and in a hushed tone asks him, “What are we going to do now?”
“We wait.” James replies. “That’s all we can do. They’ll come back, but from there, I don’t know what.” If they come back what will he do? Plead again to let them stay? Ask if he can take their place? He’ll do anything at this point.
He looks over at Albus who remains seated at the desk. He finishes organizing the papers of Regulus’ file and returns them to Lucius. With a faint ping the files disappear into thin air. “You may go now.” Albus tells him.
“Finally.” Lucius grumbles with a roll of his eyes. Another ping and he’s gone as well, the space he once took up now empty.
James glares at Albus, the man, or eternal being of some kind— it doesn’t matter, that’s the cause for all of this. If Regulus had remained quiet they could have continued their lessons. Regulus could have continued to better himself more than he already has. He could have worked on his relationship with Sirius and they could have become true brothers again. James could have told Regulus that he— all of the things that he wanted to say, but didn’t because he thought there was more time. There’s never enough time.
He thought he learned on Earth that there’s never enough time to say the things he wants to say. That he should speak his mind when the thought comes because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. He doesn’t know why he thought this would have been different. That somehow, he was going to be able to save Regulus and share all of those thoughts tomorrow, or the next day. He should know better. Maybe he will now, because when he sees Regulus again, and he will see Regulus again, James will tell him everything.
They could have had it all, but Regulus had to tell the truth. He couldn’t watch anymore as others were being accused of his crimes. Even when there was no chaos happening in the neighborhood for days, for weeks, one act of creating the sinkhole was enough to undo everything. Regulus admitted to his faults to protect the people he cares about and people he doesn’t even know! What better way is there to prove that he is a good person? There’s no way that every person who has ever ended up in the Good Place only acted with good intentions and had good outcomes. The probability of it is so minuscule, James considers asking to reopen the case and bring in this argument.
Peter gives him a small pat on his hand when he realizes James has nothing more to say, and walks away. He has words to share with Albus but James doesn’t bother to try and listen. It’s probably something similar to what he would say, but at this point, it won’t be enough. Dorcas tries him next, crouching down next to his side. “James? What’s the plan? How are you going to get out of this?”
“I’m not.” He informs her. “They’ll be back. If they don’t, I don’t think Albus is going to send us away, not to the Bad Place at least. There’s something weird going on but I can’t quite figure it out. It’s like trying to put together a puzzle, but you don’t have the picture for reference and you’re missing pieces.”
Evan and Barty return to the room. Barty’s face is red with rage but Evan seems calm. Barty walks right over to the Judge, points a finger at his face, and says, “This is still bullshit and you know it.”
Barty goes to yell again but James cuts him off. “Don’t you see? Our own thoughts on it don’t matter. He’s made his choice.” He looks over to Albus who gives an approving nod. James couldn’t care less about his approval.
“I thought we agreed to respect one another.” Albus says, unflinching, “Do not forget what is at stake.”
The words seem to rattle something in Barty. “How could I?” He spits out. “You won’t let me forget.” With that he moves to the opposite side of the room from Albus. He crosses his arms and slumps against the wall, keeping his eyes trained on the Judge.
James wants to ask what that was about. He wants to ask why Evan and Barty had to leave the room for a bit. Although he suspects it was Barty asking Evan if the Judge could really send them away and Evan calming him down. Instead he watches the door as the seconds and minutes tick by, slowly inching towards zero. James watches the door and for the first time in his life, hopes that his friends don’t return.
~*~
“Sirius, we have to go now!” Regulus yells at his brother. Sirius has just finished explaining to him everything Remus had said in his message from the Judge, but he remains standing still with Remus by his side.
“Why Reggie?” Sirius asks calmly, as if everything isn't falling into pieces around them. “What if it’s a trap?” Regulus looks up to his brother, and sees that he means it. He genuinely doesn't think that they should go back.
“It sounds like a trap to me.” The voice comes from Mary as she enters the room. She’s changed her clothing from a comfortable t-shirt and joggers to light blue overalls on top of a white shirt. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I was heading out to the gardens.” She turns towards the window overlooking the various plants that decorate the outside of her home and says regretfully, “Part of this place is that no matter what I grow, it never lives long enough to reach bloom. I care for them with everything I have, and they grow and are this magnificent shade of green, but the second a petal begins to pull back from the others, it withers away. I keep tending to them though, in the hope that maybe one day I’ll be able to see a flower the way it was meant to be looked at again.”
She turns towards Regulus, “Your situation is very similar. You keep tending to your existence here, trying to preserve what you have in the hopes of watching it bloom into something everyone is proud to look at, but everything is working against you. As long as you try and fight for your spot in the Good Place, they will find a way to make you wilt away and decay. You’ll never be free of them, no matter how much you water and nurture yourself. If you stay here though, well, I haven’t had a friend to talk to in such a long time, but you could help me take care of my garden. This life isn’t much but it is far better than being tortured.”
“Reggie,” Sirius says tentatively, “There’s no way they’re going to send James and Barty away, they’re good people. They’ll be safe there. They’re just trying to lure us out.”
“You don’t know that.” Regulus snaps. “You only want to believe that. Could you honestly look at me and say that you would be okay living here forever and not knowing if they got sent away because of us? Ignorance isn’t bliss Sirius.”
Sirius reaches out, putting a hand on Regulus’ shoulders, “You would be safe though. I would know that you were safe and that would have to be enough. If we go, we’re both going to be sent away and I can’t have you go there.”
And they call Regulus selfish. Anger seeps through him but he breathes, in and out. He tries to return his body, to a sense of calm, knowing that it's the only way he’s going to be able to get through to his brother. “It isn’t fair to them, Sirius. They don’t deserve to suffer for the lives we lived, and that’s what they’ll do, suffer.”
I am something more than I supposed myself to be. The words ring out to Regulus from a distant memory. Weeks ago sitting on the floor of his living room with books splayed across him. James was reading to him a passage from Discourse on Method but Regulus had asked him to stop, to reread that last sentence. He sat with the words for a long time. The same book contained the famous line I think therefore I am, and he suspected when James assigned him to pick one line from the book to write a paper about, he thought Regulus would choose that one. He didn’t though, he picked the one about being more.
He feels those words now, deep in his bones, into the very depths of his soul, of all of the parts that make him Regulus. Regulus of a year ago, or one of even a month ago, never would have even considered leaving this safe haven. He spent his life running, why not settle for a while? Get comfortable. Be at peace for the first time in his existence. He’s not running away this time, that part is over. Getting here was the running away bit. Now it’s time to run to something.
He thinks of all of the times he ran away from James, but James was always there, to grab him by the wrist and bring him back. Talk to me. He would say. Explain what just happened. Don't go. And with those words Regulus would find himself melting away. Bits and pieces of himself breaking down into their most delicate parts but James would hold them close until he was tenderly put back together again. The scars of being shattered show but he held together still.
No matter how many times Regulus ran from James, he would be found. James can’t follow him here. So now it is Regulus' decision, fully his own. He could live in a blissful ignorance of not going back. Of accepting Sirius’ views on things and seeing it only as a way to lure the Blacks back to the Good Place. James and Barty won’t be sent away and Regulus will remain safe, here, but safe. Or he can run, not from but to. He can find it in himself to one last time put one foot in front of the other and flee— no, return. He will run to James, and from then, he can be done running.
“Not knowing is just another form of torture.” He tells Sirius. “We can’t leave it up to hope. We have to go.”
If he could, Regulus would simply leave by himself but he knows Sirius won’t let Remus out of his sight for even a second. The only way out is to convince Sirius himself that this is the right choice, that this is the right thing to do.
Sirius looks up to Remus, a small look of defeat ventures its way through him, and Regulus feels as though he’s won. “Let’s go.” Sirius whispers. He holds onto Remus’ hand tightly and presses a soft kiss to his knuckles. “They found a way to break down the door.”
Regulus approaches Mary and offers a solemn goodbye. She grabs him by the front of his shirt and pulls him in close for a hug. Regulus carefully wraps his arms around her. “Thank you for being willing to let us stay.” He whispers into her neck.
She pulls back and puts an arm on each of his shoulders, “I thought I was done being alone, but I understand why you’ve made your choice. You seem to really care for your friends. You remind me of when I was a child… Can you promise me something?”
Regulus gives a small nod, not trusting himself to speak. “Laugh one more time before you go.” She asks him. “Just a small one, if that’s all you can manage. If you can do that for me, it'll feel as though I'm in somewhere more than the Medium Place.”
He was hoping she was going to ask for something simple he could fulfill before they left. “You won’t know if I do.” He tells her regretfully.
Mary nods her head, “I will.”
Regulus parts from her and looks to his brother. Sirius approaches Mary with care, “Thank you for your hospitality. Don’t ask me to do anything for you though. I don’t like the way you’ve been treating Remus this whole time and I feel like favours are a bit much to ask for right now.”
She looks at him curiously, and then seems to come to an understanding, “Oh that.” She clears her throat. “I guess I should apologize for that. It was a Remus model that was here when I woke up and explained everything to me. I had a feeling for a while that this might have been the same one but mine didn’t have a scar on his nose.”
Remus steps forward with his head tilted to the side. He studies her for a moment, searching for something. “Mary MacDonald.” He rolls the name around in his mouth. “You died ten years ago when he shot you.” He says it carefully, as if he’s not quite sure if it’s true. Mary nods her head once, assessing Remus with the same measure he gives her. Regulus looks back and forth between the two, this wasn't information that was shared with them. “Your company was called To Do Good. Your partner was-”
“I don’t want to hear his name please.” She cuts him off.
“You don’t have access to your knowledge, how could you have known that?” Sirius asks. Regulus realizes he was wondering the same thing. The moment they left the Good Place, Remus said that his knowledge database was turned off. He isn’t able to access any knowledge he didn’t have before leaving.
“It’s not something to know.” Remus says, “It’s something to remember.”
Regulus looks over to the clock. “This has been lovely but we have to go or we’ll be late.” He looks back to Mary one more time, gives her a small nod of his head and rushes out the door with Sirius and Remus in tow.
The journey to the train station is quicker than when they were coming in. The sun is still beating down and running to the awaiting platform isn’t helping Regulus with his haphazard breathing. By the time they reach the train his body is slick with sweat. It feels wrong to jump into the compartment and take a seat, to be still. Now all they can do is sit and hope that they make it on time.
The hour passes and before the train can fully come into the station, they’re jumping off of it onto the platform. It would normally be a thirty minute walk to get from the train station to Evan’s office, but they don’t have time to spare by being leisurely. Regulus runs as fast as his feet can carry him. They try to ask Remus how much time they have left, but the onslaught of knowledge that attacks him from reentering the neighborhood is overbearing his ability to concentrate on one small fact. “You have no idea how many things can happen in just one moment, and we were gone for hours.” Remus says through panted breaths.
Regulus’ chest hurts, his legs and feet ache. His body is sore and he pushes through anyways. He can’t give up now. Not with so much at stake. He wants to believe Sirius, that they were never really going to send James and Barty away, but he isn’t willing to risk taking the chance. Along his sprint, through his rushing body, comes thoughts moving just as quickly. He cares about them so much. He doesn’t want to save them so he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt of letting them go, he wants to save them because it’s what is right, because they don’t deserve to deal with the consequences of his actions.
His body careens into the building. Sirius and Remus are right on his tail. He rushes down the hallway and into the waiting room. He nearly slams into the door in an effort to get into the office faster. Faster faster. His mind races at him. He pushes the door open and inside he finds five people waiting for him, all in shock at his sudden arrival, all except for James, who reeks of disappointment.
James’ head lulls forward but it doesn’t stop Regulus from saying, “We’re here.” As if his bursting through the door wasn’t proof enough, he must vocalize it for all of them. Let it be known that he is here and accounted for. He is present and ready to save his friends.
The Judge’s eyes go slightly wide as he turns towards Evan, sending him a look that only the two can read. No one moves. No one says a word. Sirius and Remus come tumbling in and take in the silence that permeates the room.
“What?” Sirius says, “No welcome back party?”
~*~
James reorients himself back to this world. He stands up and pulls in Regulus close. He obviously isn’t expecting it and takes a moment to respond by hugging James back but James doesn’t care. Regulus is here, and he’s in James’ arms now. “Why did you come back?” He whispers, his voice slightly choked.
“For you.” Regulus says and James has to refrain from melting away on the spot. Those may be the two best words he’s ever heard in his life. His life filled with people leaving never to return to him again. His grandfather, all of his friends from school, his mother, Gideon was nearly there, but then comes along Regulus who, without knowing it, does the one thing no one else in James’ life ever did, came back, and for him.
Regulus probably meant he came back for James and Barty but James is going to hold out a small hope that Regulus truly meant for him.
“Well, I must say.” Albus says. James reluctantly pulls away from Regulus to look at the Judge. “I was not expecting you two to return. However, the time that was given to you to do so has already passed.” He gestures down to the clock. Four zeros are displayed boldly. They were too late.
“But we came back.” Sirius says, “That has to mean something.”
Albus seems to take a second to consider this. He looks up to the ceiling. “What to do?” He mumbles to himself. After a moment he returns his gaze to those waiting for him to speak. “I have made a decision. The Bad Place was promised two people. I am tired of being here and I simply do not care any longer. I thought this case was going to be interesting while it was anything but. Two of you must go. It is up to you to decide who that will be.” He waves his hands over the clock and snaps his fingers. The timer resets to 20:00. “You will have twenty minutes to decide and then this will be over with once and for all.”
Albus turns to Evan. “Evan, if I may have a word in private before the decision is made.” It is not a question but a command.
“Yes Sir.” Evan slowly nods his head and follows Albus out of the room.
“Peter and Dorcas, you should leave.” Regulus says “This has nothing to do with you. You shouldn't have to see it.”
Reluctantly, they seem to agree. Steadily they leave the room, saying they’ll be back in twenty minutes to say goodbye to whoever is leaving. That leaves only James, Regulus, Sirius, Barty, and Remus in the room. James wants to ask Remus to leave too, but when he looks down he sees the way Sirius is holding onto Remus’ hand for dear life, or maybe it’s the other way around. He smiles to himself, happy for his friend, until the harsh reality of the situation washes over him again.
Regulus is the first to speak. “Obviously it’s Sirius and I going. We were the mistakes and it wouldn’t be right for either of you to go instead.”
“Damn right it wouldn’t be.” Barty says. James shoots him a sharp glare.
“What’s your problem today?” James snaps, finally having enough of all Barty’s smart comments and chides being thrown about. It’s been stressful for all of them but Barty has never been in any real danger yet he keeps acting like he’s the one who keeps being threatened. Typically James likes to think of himself as a calm person, at least outwardly, this is a complete annihilation of who he is as a person but he can’t be bothered to care. “Why can’t you just shut up?”
Barty stands up from his seat and gets close to James’ face. “You don’t know me.” He spits out. “You wouldn’t understand even the beginning of my problems. The ones only being made worse by these two over and over again.”
“Barty?” Regulus asks cautiously. He walks towards Barty but James blocks Regulus’ path, refusing to let them get close. Regulus lightly pushes him to the side. “It’s fine James. It’s not like he’s going to hurt me.” James sees a small flinch in the corner of Barty’s mouth. “Barty, I understand that this is a lot. We’re all under a lot of pressure right now but you need to keep a cool head. We don’t know what these people are capable of. Sirius and I will leave and you can have your afterlife back.”
There’s a small flicker in Barty’s eyes and then, he deflates. His body sags forward and he holds onto Regulus like all of the life has been drained out of him. He begins to cry. Regulus softly rubs his back. James doesn’t know what to make of it.
Regulus backs away, and James takes his hand. He leads Regulus to the corner of the room, and takes both of his hands in his own. Regulus’ eyes are glassy. James reaches out and pushes a stray piece of hair behind his ear. “We never got to talk yesterday.” James says softly.
“You said it wasn’t important.” Regulus says, looking down at the ground to hide the increase of tears in his eyes, all threatening to fall but none ever quite spilling.
James, while still holding onto Regulus’ hand, reaches up and lifts Regulus’ chin. “I’m going to say it now, if you don’t mind. I told myself that when I saw you again I would say it.”
“When?” Regulus asks. “You really thought we were going to come back?” He sounds both hopeful and skeptical.
“Of course I did.” James bemuses. “I chased after you so many times, it was about time you did the same for me. We’re in this all the way, remember? I know that goes both ways.” Regulus smiles, a sad and sorrowful thing, but a smile all the same. James doesn’t hesitate, he doesn’t wait any longer to say, “I love you Regulus.”
“Oh.” Is Regulus’ only response. “Oh James. You stupid man.” He swats at James’ chest, “You choose now to tell me?”
James shrugs his shoulders. “Better late than never.” He doesn’t add on the other bit. Asking if Regulus loves him back, if this is a mutual love. If Regulus feels for James the way James feels for him, he will say it, but James aches to hear the words.
Regulus lets go of James’ hand and cups his cheek. He wipes away a tear James didn’t realize had fallen, softly with the pad of his thumb. Even after the tear is gone, Regulus continues the delicate stroking movement. “An eternity is a long time,” Regulus says, and James’ heart begins to shatter, “you’ll forget about me. A hundred years may pass by and you’ll remember but a thousand? Ten thousand? This will all be just a blip. A blink of an eye.”
James holds onto Regulus’ wrist, the one touching his face, and closes his eyes. “Please.” He whispers, a quiet begging. “I can’t lose someone else. It would break me.”
“For a time, maybe, but broken things can be mended.” Regulus has never spoken so gently before. “You’ll see.” Regulus slides his hand down to James’ own and brings it to his lips. He presses a soft kiss against James’ knuckles.
James knows it will hurt but all he wants is to hear Regulus say the words back to him. Let James know that it wasn’t all in his head. All of those small moments replay through his mind, the ones he kept for himself when telling the story of the man before him. Soft touches, snide remarks, cruel words, playing with the kitten, a smirk, a glare, a smile, a laugh, bringing him back to the world, a hand on a thigh, a hand in his own. Regulus scatters the seeds of happiness into his afterlife. He needs Regulus to say it like a man in a desert thirsts for water. Regulus is his cooling relief. A dive into the ocean in the middle of summer. A cliff side edge, the beauty of the world laid out before him.
“I feel like I failed you.” James whispers. All of the lessons, assignments, scouring through books in search of the answer, keeping secrets, all of it just to end up where they did.
Regulus holds onto the back of James’ neck and he cools under the touch. “No one failed. We were trying something impossible from the start. You did everything you could, and I will be eternally grateful from this afterlife into the next.”
They rest their foreheads against one another and through fragile tears they take in one another's presence. An everlasting feeling that will extend beyond the eternities they have yet to experience and further. James reaches into the past, to the younger versions of himself. He tells the James of seven years old, of seventeen, of twenty-seven that it’s okay. Don’t worry about making the right choices. He made all of the right ones, because in a tangled web of events and fallouts, he ended up here. So close, but a day too late.
~*~
Sirius tries to let James and Regulus have their privacy, to have this one moment to themselves. He can’t say that he saw it coming, but nonetheless he isn’t surprised. He wants to be happy for them but knows that he can’t be, not with what’s coming in twelve minutes.
Barty sulks away in the corner, dealing with whatever emotion he’s now decided to take on. His reaction earlier made Sirius sick. How could a person be so cruel to two people who are about to be tortured for the rest of time itself? He doesn’t understand it.
He tries to focus his attention on Remus, the man he loves that will be taken away from him as well. Sirius is leaving James behind. He’s leaving Remus behind, and he’s accepting the fact that Regulus will also be in the Bad Place with him. There’s too many negative thoughts running around in his mind, but there’s no way to be positive, not now. There is no light at the end of this tunnel, no saving grace.
Remus brings him to the opposite corner of the room from Regulus and James, for a semi-private goodbye. “What is troublesome to you, Sweetheart?” Remus asks, because of course he knows that there is more than meets the eye to what’s draining Sirius away. Remus knows that he needs to say it out loud. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong, because there are so many things wrong, but what is at the forefront of Sirius’ mind, the troublesome thoughts.
“I don’t want to leave you. You need to know that. That this has nothing to do with you.” Sirius says, trying to find the right words to tell Remus all that he needs to know. Remus is a being built on knowledge and he can’t continue on with his life without knowing this bit of information.
“I know.” Remus whispers. “It’s okay Sirius, I know.” He holds his cold hands up to Sirius’ cheeks. Despite the chill, Sirius still flushes. Sirius presses his cheek against Remus’ hand, letting himself be cradled for just a moment. Remus leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his forehead.
The door to the office slams open. Sirius looks up from Remus’ hold and sees Dorcas striding in. “Dorcas?” He asks, “What are you doing? We told you you didn’t have to be part of this.”
She stands with her hands clasped in front of her and she speaks with certainty. “I’ve thought about it, well honestly I started thinking about it when we were going through the case, but now that it’s come down to the wire, I know what has to be done.”
Everyone looks on with peaked curiosity. “Well get on with it.” Barty says from a chair he’s commandeered.
Dorcas side-eyes him, annoyed, but continues, “You all care about each other so much. I can see it in the way you talk about each other, how you’re saying goodbye right now even though you’ve already decided. The way James talked about Regulus during the trial. How you both came back when you were worried about James and Barty. I’ve always believed in what Nietzsche said, that the magnitude of a progress is gauged by the greatness of the sacrifice it requires." She nods towards James, "You’ve all given up so much already, none of you deserve to give up more.”
“We can’t really do anything about that Dorcas.” Regulus says. “The Judge has decided and so have we. Sirius and I are leaving as soon as that timer’s up.”
“No.” Dorcas says resolutely and then with a sigh, “Only one of you has to. I’m going to take one of the spaces. I already know what it’s like down there, and I’m strong. I can handle it. As long as I know at least one of you is safe it’ll make it more bearable. I could never live with myself if I let both of you go through that experience. You just have to pick one more person.” She gives a small nod of her head and leaves the room as quickly as she came in.
Sirius looks around the room at his brother, best friend, lover, and Barty. They all stare in abject shock. “This doesn’t change anything.” Sirius says before Regulus gets the chance to try and leave him again. “I’m going.”
“I think not.” Regulus says as he leaves James' side and comes over to Sirius. “I told you from the beginning that if I’m going down you’re going to stay here and live with what you’ve done. That will be your torture, knowing what I’m suffering. It won’t be different from how you lived your life so it won’t be too much of an adjustment.” Regulus sneers. Sirius looks to his brother and behind his eyes, the eyes he knows so well, the ones that drew Sirius to him in the first place, he sees the fear that lies beneath.
“No. You’re not going Reggie.” Sirius says, trying to put more courage than he feels behind his words. “I’m not leaving you behind again.”
“And choosing to go wouldn’t be more of the same?” Regulus spits out. “At least this way it’s my choice. It’s my decision. I never got to have those. My life was decided for me from the moment I was born and every moment afterwards. I was trapped in a cage. I never had any freedom. I didn’t have the freedom of choice or the freedom to refuse. When you left, what did you think? That I would just get to be myself all of a sudden? I even died because of you!”
“I know!” Sirius yells. Regulus stares at him in horror. “I know.” He says more calmly. “We read through your file, remember? Your death was in there. I know how you died and I know it was my fault. I believed mother even when I had no reason to, that you were already dead. I was reckless and stupid but I was grieving! I thought you had died because I didn’t get you out in time which ended up being the case anyways. So yes! I know you died because of me. I know that we wouldn’t be in this whole situation if it wasn’t for me. So for once, in your bloody god forsaken life let me save you. Let this be the lifetime that I save you.”
Regulus takes a step back. “That’s the whole point Sirius. Right there. We’re dead. This isn’t a lifetime you can save me in. That life is gone. It’s over.”
Sirius can’t do it, not again. He can’t leave Regulus alone in a place of cruelty and pain. If pains must come, let them fall onto him. Let him bear the burden they were both meant to carry. His body already aches but he can take a bit more. He wants to know Regulus is safe, it will make it all a bit more bearable. He wants to carry this. Let him take away all the pain Regulus has ever felt. Let it be beaten into him. He will bleed and bruise in his brother's name twenty times over and then twenty times more.
“Both of you stop it.” James says. Sirius looks over to his best friend. He’s moving closer now with determination in his stride. “Neither of you are going. I am.” Sirius is stunned into complete silence. “From the moment I found out about the both of you, all I’ve wanted was for you two to be able to reconnect. I know you don’t see eye-to-eye and that’s fine. It’s not something that can happen overnight but I think with some time, you’ll get there.” He turns to Regulus as he says, “You’ll have an eternity to try.”
“No James.” Regulus says and Sirius is grateful at least one of them has the mind to say it out loud. “Not you.”
James ignores Regulus and continues anyways. “Everyone’s always left me. I couldn’t go on living properly knowing either of you was down there. It was bad enough when it was both of you, but only one? I couldn’t look the other in the face if I tried. Let me do this for you. Let me go with Dorcas.”
“Prongs this is insane!” Sirius yells. He will not let James take his rightful place in Hell. Absolutely not. If one of them is doomed it’s going to be Sirius and no one else.
“Sirius? Sweetheart?” Remus says, drawing Sirius’ attention away from James. “We should all stop yelling at each other and talk about this rationally. This isn't going to get us anywhere.”
“Remus Lupin by god do I love you but you have no say in this.” Sirius says, trying to keep his voice as even as possible but the limits are being tested.
“I think at this point I’m involved in this just as much as all of you.” Remus says, voice louder than normal. That causes Sirius to turn around. He didn’t know Remus had it in him. Goddamn it, it's just another thing to love about him. Sirius will miss him terribly when he’s down in the Bad Place getting his eyeballs sucked on.
“Lupin?” James asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Not important!” Regulus yells.
“You’re right.” Comes a voice from across the room. Sirius had almost forgotten Barty was here, it’s been almost five whole minutes since he made some snarky remark. He stands up and walks over to the group of circled men. “You all can stay. I’ll go.”
~*~
Regulus can’t believe his ears. After all the comments Barty’s already made and now he wants to volunteer himself up. The next thing he knows Peter is going to be bursting through the door saying he found a loophole in an ancient document that says once every millennium one person who was mistakenly put in the Good Place can stay. Regulus’ eyes glance over to the door, briefly wondering if that’s something that may actually happen. It’s sane enough of an idea at this point.
“And why would you do that?” Sirius asks mockingly.
“Because I’m sick and tired of hearing all of this.” Barty says with a roll of his eyes, “Everyone has a reason to go and everyone has a reason to stay except me. None of you actually like me so why should I bother to stick around? Would any of you seriously object to me going?” He speaks so calmly it sends a shiver down Regulus’ spine. How can someone be so collected when this is the topic of conversation?
No one responds to Barty’s questions, and that seems to prove his point. He scoffs but Regulus cuts in, “Barty you’re my friend. I don’t want you down there just as much as I don’t want them.” Regulus gestures to the others in the room.
“Really?” Sirius says with fake concern in his voice. Regulus reaches over and slaps his brother upside the head. “Ow.” Sirius rubs at the spot Regulus hit and Regulus rolls his eyes, returning his attention back to Barty.
“I’m the one that needs to go.” Regulus says resolutely. There is no other option. He doesn’t belong in the Good Place, he never did. His brother did the smart thing by laying low, which he should have done. He caused all of the chaos from his actions and he repeatedly made bad choices. He fell in love with James, and he can’t say the words back but he also couldn’t live having to look into James’ eyes knowing that he sent away one of James’ friends. Not letting James know, feels like the most terrible deception he’s committed since arriving.
Sirius begins to yell again about why he should be the one to leave. Regulus tells Sirius that he's a stupid prick and doesn't know anything. That quickly leads to James giving his own piece as to why he should go. Remus screams at all three of them to calm down. Apparently Barty feels left out of the yelling because he’s next to join in. There’s screaming, yelling, pleading, and it reminds Regulus of his childhood home. One where the next day was never guaranteed and every day existing there felt like torture.
Regulus stops everything he’s doing. He stops his yelling, his incessant fighting and demanding that he be the one to go. A small laugh begins to bubble in his throat. It starts off small, quiet but slowly it grows into something more until he’s hunching over and holding his stomach close because he’s laughing so hard. He kept his promise to Mary after all. One last laugh before the fall.
Everyone else stops their own yelling to look at him. They look at him as if he’s crazy, and maybe he is, but it all makes sense now. He tries to bring himself back, but the laughing carries on. “Reggie?” He hears whispered from somewhere near him. “What’s going on?”
Regulus stands up straight, and wipes a tear from his eye. He’s smiling large which brings on more confused and concerned looks. He holds up a hand to stop James and Sirius from approaching. He manages to catch his breath and a phrase comes back to him, one from days ago, “Become something so big, people look right past you.” He turns to James. “You said that the other day. We were talking about Kant but you were saying that some people make themselves small so they’re not looked at, but other people make themselves so big you look right past them.”
James furrows his brows, “Yeah I remember saying that but I don’t see what that has to do with anything. Regulus, what are you going on about?”
“When we had talked about it before I thought of Sirius and I.” Regulus continues, “How we made ourselves big and small in life and here to try and blend in, but I wasn’t looking at the whole picture. It’s so obvious now that I think about it.”
“Evan! Albus!” Regulus yells through the door, smile still plastered on, “You can come back in now.”
The two summoned carefully enter the room, like wolves in a viper’s den. They slowly close the door behind them. Evan tries to straighten himself out, to appear calm and collected, but the confusion is clear on his face. It only makes Regulus’ smile larger. His face is really starting to hurt, but he can’t be bothered to care. “You have made a decision?” Evan asks.
Regulus harshly nods his head. “Yes my good sir we have.” Albus raises an eyebrow, almost in amusement, but Regulus continues. “Sirius and I are going to the Bad Place.” He says resolutely. The decision has been made, it was made long before they ever arrived to this cursed place.
“Dor— Dorcas came in here didn’t she?” Evan asks, “She told us she was going to take one of the spots so there’s only space for one more. Which one of you is it?”
Regulus dramatically shakes his head no, “Both of us. It doesn’t matter what Dorcas said. We don’t want her to go. She can stay here and live out her afterlife dreams in peace. It’s me and Sirius that are going.” Regulus turns on his heel to face the rest of the room. “Goodbye everyone.” He says with a dramatic wave.
Regulus turns back to Evan and Albus. “Let’s get on with it. Shall we?”
“Reggie what’s going on?” Sirius asks, the worry clear in his voice. “Are you having a breakdown or something?”
Regulus begins to walk in slow circles around the room. “Don’t you know there’s two ways to be fooled? Become something so big, people look right past you. I became important to Evan so he would never suspect me. I became friends with Barty so he wouldn’t suspect me, but that’s not really what happened, was it? Evan sought me out on the first night. He was the one who asked me to help bring the neighborhood together. I didn’t want to be friends with Barty, not at first, not until he came to me and said he wanted to be my friend. And then to top it off, we went to Mary’s.” Regulus looks to the room but only sees confused faces looking back at him. Evan though, he gulps down something hard.
“That’s where you were?” Evan asks, voice hoarse.
“Who’s Mary?” James asks, and Regulus is so very grateful it’s James who’s asking.
“Mary MacDonald is a woman who lives in a Medium Place by herself.” Regulus explains. “She co-founded a charity but she caught her partner stealing money from the organization. When she confronted him about it, he killed her. That man however had a sick wife at home, and a child. That child took over Mary’s position ten years ago when she died. He learned the way his father operated the business and he followed suit.”
He looks towards Sirius and James. “Don’t you see it?” They stare back at him with blank faces. “It’s been right in front of us this whole time, but it was so big, we looked right past it. They’re not going to send any of us to the Bad Place. They can’t, because we’re already here. Evan is a demon who’s been running this neighborhood, and Barty’s been helping him. This is the Bad Place.”
Notes:
😀
So, how are we feeling????
Cute little Wolfstar moment followed by instant tragedy
James freaking the fuck out internally while Barty's doing some weird shit
Regulus trying to convince Sirius to go to back!!
James telling Regulus he loves him!!!!!!!!!! ❤️ ❤️
Regulus not saying it back 💔
James saying "I feel like I failed you" LISTEN I know that's a direct quote and I don't like doing those but every time I hear it my heartbreaks and the idea of James saying that wrecked me
Regulus figuring it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Props to all those that realized something was up with Barty
But the real question now is, Who/What is Barty Crouch Jr?
Chapter 19: The Death of B.C.J.
Notes:
This is the longest chapter posted by farrrrrr so buckle up
You may have wondered prior to now, what the hell a bunch of those tags are doing up there. Well they're here
Warnings:
Possible inaccuracies as to how businesses are run and paperwork is filed
Death
Unknown Sickness
Ophidiophobia (Snakes)
Drowning
Gun Violence
Torture
Physical torture
Psychological torture
People enjoying torturing others
Electrocution
Morphing of bones
Physical violence
Brief religious connections
Brief mentions of sex
I feel like this list is short and I'm missing something
Now, I believe we've been waiting for a Barty POV 👀 This chapter goes out to @Sundaystars who once said, and I quote, "I feel so bad for Barty in this fic… I really hope everyone starts treating him better." You're about to feel a whole lot worse. Enjoy!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How should we comfort ourselves, the murderer of all murderers?…Who will wipe the blood off of us?...What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? - Friedrich Nietzsche
***
*One and a Half Years Before Present Day*
“Barty, can you come here real quick?” A voice calls from the other side of the office.
Barty looks up from the documents he’s been overviewing and lets out a small sigh. He gets up, leaves his petite grey cubicle and crosses the room to the accounting department. Whenever his father is away for lunch, which is every day at this time, he’s given temporary control over the inner workings of To Do Good.
Barty’s father, Bartemius Crouch Senior, co-founded the charity fifteen years ago. Their work doesn’t focus on one particular set of problems in the world but rather they aim to bring hope and joy to people in all kinds of situations from homelessness, to LGBT youths, and cancer patients. Any way that they can help is considered a win in their minds, as long as they are spreading their message that doing good can come from anywhere, and leave their recipients smiling.
Barty has been working under his father for quite a while now, he’s approaching his eight year anniversary with the organization. After the unexpected death of the Crouch Senior’s other co-founder, Mary MacDonald, Barty was asked to begin his apprenticeship at seventeen years old. He’s been learning the ins and outs of how the company is run and operates, in the hopes that one day he’ll be the one to take it all over. As part of his ever increasing list of responsibilities, he is at the beck and call of the head accountant.
“Yes Bertha, what can I do for you?” Barty asks as he approaches her desk. Don’t get it wrong, he loves to help out. He tries to wear bright colors, like the baby blue button up he has on today, and smile as often as he can, in order to convey an energy that he is here for whatever his employees need. He wants to be the kind of person that others turn to in large crises and small, and maybe one day his father will look to him and see how much he cares, and finally give him the chance to take on the larger roles he so desperately wants to fill.
Bertha shuffles through her papers. “I’m missing a document I need to fill out these forms for tax purposes. You know, the ones that prove we’re a legitimate charity and all that. I’m supposed to submit them before the end of the day but I’m pretty sure Senior took the last of the documents I need to review in his office.” She looks up to Barty with a regretful smile, “Would you go get them for me please?”
Barty gives a playful roll of his eyes, “Of course.” He gives a small rap on the desk with his knuckles and heads over to his father’s enclosed office. No one but his father and Barty himself is allowed to enter the office without permission, especially, while Crouch Senior isn’t even in the building.
Barty whistles to himself as he pulls out his keys from his pocket and unlocks the door. Once inside he closes and locks the door behind him. He trusts his employees but if his father ever found out he went into Senior’s office and left it unlocked, there would be hell to pay. Rather than risk it, he hears the small click of the lock, and moves over to the main desk to look for the paperwork Bertha requested.
He’s not exactly sure what he’s looking for, but guesses he’ll know it when he sees it. He’s worked closely with the accounting department for some time now in secret. For reasons unknown to Barty, his father has tried to keep him at a distance from the land of numbers.
Barty sits down in the chair and imagines what it will be like when he takes over, when all of this is his own. He’ll start by knocking down the wall of the office and replacing them with glass paneling to make it more open. He looks over the top of the desk and finds it devoid of any clutter, typical of his father, but Barty was hoping to not have to go rifling through the drawers. He begins on the right, thinking that whatever Crouch Senior was looking at last would have been kept in an easily accessible place.
Inside the drawer are numerous papers, and Barty realizes he’ll have to look through a lot more than he first anticipated. He tries to look at the bear minimum, not wanting to betray his father’s trust by searching through more than he was asked. His eyes quickly scan through documents, until he comes across something odd.
It’s a document for an organization To Do Good frequently sends money to. Barty recognizes the name from working with Bertha for so long. The odd part however, is right at the top, where Barty would typically find the name of whoever owns the group would go, the head of a hospital, leader of a homeless shelter, and so on, is his father’s name. Written in bold black and white, Bartemius Crouch Senior.
“No.” Barty whispers out to the empty room. “This can’t be right.” But there is no mistaking the words on the page before him. There’s only one explanation for this, and the only reason he is able to figure it out is because of his work with Bertha. His father has been stealing money from To Do Good by pretending to be a recipient of their aid.
He quickly returns all of the files to where they once lived. He resets the chair to be in the position he found it in, and he quickly leaves the office, locking the door behind him. He walks over to Bertha and tells her that he wasn’t able to find the document, and he doesn’t want to risk going through his father’s papers. When she presses him, telling Barty how badly she needs her missing document, he sighs and tells her there’s nothing he can do, and she’ll have to wait for his father to return to the office.
He goes over to his own desk, grabs his messenger bag, splaying the strap across his chest and as quickly as he can, without drawing attention to himself, flees the building. Barty walks away from the large office building out into the bustling streets of downtown London. He stares straight ahead, paying no mind to the various people he passes. His mind is riddled with thoughts.
A plan begins to form in his mind. He can’t keep this information to himself, he can’t let his father get away with this, but then his thoughts drift to his mother. His kind, wonderful, and selfless mother.
Having a father like his own, always so busy and preoccupied with work, claiming to make the world a better place despite, apparently, actively working against such a cause, leaves a barrier between parent and child. Barty thinks of others he knows with distant parents and sees a pattern. It always seems to fall on the child to break this barrier down. He has tried many times over the years, fighting and vying for his father’s attention but what has that gotten him? Nothing but disappointment and a feeling of time wasted with his mother.
Barty’s mother died when he was twenty. He and his father both missed it, working overtime in an attempt to reel in a large donor instead. She would be so disappointed to see him now, still working under him, still trying to win him over. She seemed to always know that this wasn’t something that he wanted. He liked contributing to making the world a brighter place, he liked knowing that he was making a positive change, doing good. What he wasn’t as fond of was making it his whole life, missing out on those small, important moments. She knew it even when he didn’t.
She encouraged him to leave, or at least take a small break from working the back breaking hours, but he refused. He would tell her that there were people who needed his help, and he couldn’t stop now because another organization is threatening to pull out their annual donations. There was always work to be done and it couldn’t be put on hold just because he wanted to take a vacation. No, he had to keep going. He had to make his father proud of him.
Growing up his mother was the only one around for him. When his father missed his school robotics competitions or his youth football matches, she was always there, always watching and supporting him from the sidelines. He would look into the crowd and be able to spot her in an instant, the glow of her love for him radiating as if it was something that could be physically touched. He wishes he could have bottled up that look and tucked it away for rainy days. If he could he would go back to the days, weeks, years before she died he would yell at his past self for working to appease his father when he had a loving mother waiting for him at home, willing and ready to bestow upon him that love that he yearned for.
It’s with these thoughts that a plan begins to take hold and starts to shape in his mind. It is nothing concrete, for the more intricate details he will need some more time, perhaps someone to help him on his endeavors. Either way, he will see that his father pays for this. His mother died alone, for nothing, but Barty will make sure that someone will pay, that his father will repent for all of the years wasted and the years he made Barty waste.
~*~
Evan takes a step forward and approaches the paneling covered with various dials, knobs, levers and buttons. Multiple colors shine back at him as he examines his options. He takes a deep breath, in and out, then gets to work. He inputs the codes, adjusts settings, cranks, turns, and pulls. When he finally feels that everything is right he presses Confirm, and takes a step back to examine his work.
On the other side of the panel is a pane of two way glass. He examines his test subject, Amelia Bones, in the room adjacent to his own and watches as the scene he has created unfolds. The room transforms as the subject comes out of stasis. Evan watches and looks for the reaction he’s so use to seeing, the one of terror.
The room becomes dark, the subject can only see about two feet in front of herself. What she has a clear view of, and what Evan knows she can hear clearly, are the snakes. Different breeds of snakes, some long and fat, others short and thin, all poisonous, and squirming under her feet.
Evan smiles at his work. The file he had received contained only one word under Fears and Phobias, ophidiophobia, the debilitating fear of snakes. It was so easy, too easy to come up with a scenario to torture the poor girl. When he had first read the file he wondered why he was given something so simple. He has been an apprentice for three hundred years and has been handed much more difficult cases that caused him to utilize some actual creativity. He won’t complain about an easy win but he was hoping for something a little…more.
As he watches the subject, his smile slowly begins to fall. She’s not doing anything. There are no shrieks of terror, no trying to distance herself from the snakes, no emotional reaction at all. She simply stands there and looks at her surroundings, accepting her situation. Well this will simply not do.
Evan’s mentor is standing next to him observing. Albus’ eyes don’t move from the girl. He rests his hand on his chin as if he too is waiting for a reaction to take place. Evan wastes no time. He jumps back onto the control panel and changes the simulation. If his subject thinks she can handle a group of snakes at her feet, he will make her wish that was all she had to deal with. His fingers move quickly. He can feel his breath picking up. This better work. He knows the buttons, what they do, how they will change the output on the other side of the glass. He doesn’t hesitate this time to slam his hand down on the confirm button.
The scene changes. The snakes at her feet are gone. Instead towering over her is a thirty-foot tall basilisk. It roars and hisses. It lunges at her, showing its sharp fangs, saliva dripping onto her face as it snarls. Its tail whips back and forth harsh enough to rock the room. She begins to move and Evan feels the beginnings of triumph after his fluke. Then, she sits down on the floor, bringing her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. Her facial expression shows no distress. Once again, she has accepted her fate, and makes no moves to change it.
“Sir, I don't understand why this is happening.” Evan turns to his mentor. He tries to keep his tone even and cool but it comes out slightly too high pitched. “She should be terrified. Her file only marks ophidiophobia as a fear.”
“It is alright son.” Albus responds. “Sometimes things like this happen. You are my brightest pupil. Think of something else.”
Evan returns his hands to the paneling. Something else. Something else. His mind is racing. She doesn’t have any other fears. What else is he supposed to work with? The only other part of the file he had glanced at was when and where she was born, and that was only because it was on the front page. He thinks back to all of the other subjects he’s ever worked on and tries to come up with a common fear. Something so common, sometimes people don’t even realize that they’re terrified of the idea of it happening to them until it’s too late. It comes to him.
Evan makes his adjustments. He turns off all of the previous settings except the darkness. He makes the room even darker, pitch black, removes all traces of snakes, and begins to fill the room with water. He starts it off as a trickle, nothing more than a few drops but quickly it turns into a downpour. The room fills and he sees the change in his subject, the one he’s been looking for this entire time. She is scared. More than that she is downright terrified. As the water reaches her waist he can see the way her chest moves up and down in a panic. She’s staring at the ceiling, willing the water to let up. He makes it rain harder.
The water continues to rise, soon it is to her chest, her neck, until it envelops her entire body. Finally, she screams. A gut wrenching sob that is muffled by the intake of water into her lungs. She cannot die, she is already dead, but she will feel the effects of drowning until Evan decides it’s enough. For the embarrassment which she’s caused him, he has a feeling it will be going on for quite a while.
He turns and looks at Albus who gives an approving nod, and claps Evan on the back. “Good job son.” Albus tells him. Evan smiles at the praise.
After the simulation is complete Evan walks with his mentor to Albus’ office. Albus takes a seat behind the desk while Evan takes a smaller leather chair facing him. Albus pulls out the file Evan was given and they begin their routine breakdown.
“What made you think of using drowning?” Albus asks as he taps his pen against the desk to open it. His glasses fall to the tip of his nose as he looks over the file, seemingly trying to find how Evan got his idea.
Evan gives a smirk as he responds. “When I realized the snakes weren’t going to work it was simple. She was born two hundred years ago in a town in the middle of the United States. No large bodies of water in sight. Chances were she went her whole life without seeing even a lake. She would never have thought to have been scared of drowning since it was something she never encountered.”
Albus nods slowly as Evan explains. “Excellent work son.”
“I have to ask Sir.” Albus looks up from the papers to look at Evan. “Do you know why the snakes didn’t work? Based on everything in her file it should have gotten some reaction out of her.”
“Ah.” Albus smiles, this was clearly a question he had been anticipating Evan to ask. “That is why she was given to you today. She has been desensitized to the snakes unfortunately.”
Evan narrows his eyes, “I don’t understand.”
Albus gives a small laugh. “As you said, she died over two hundred years ago. Two hundred years of torture by snakes and one grows to not fear them so much. It is a coping mechanism the human brain develops where after some time even a person’s greatest fear can cause no reaction. You were given her today because she no longer feared the snakes. We have been trying to come up with something new for her for a while now and I decided it was time to let my star pupil give it a try, to see if you could crack it.”
Even lets the praise wash over him. Star pupil. At this rate he’ll finish his apprenticeship training decades early. The neighborhoods he could build, the individual tortures he could create, they all play through his mind like a child dreaming of gumdrops and sugar plums.
Then his mind slowly begins to turn from one thought to the next. He had never heard of a human reacting to torture like this before. He had always been taught to play into the fears and phobias they possess. It’s the greatest tool in an architect's arsenal. If they don’t have that, how are they supposed to do their jobs? If the subject from today eventually becomes desensitized to the effects of drowning, what would be next? There’s got to be something better than making endless backups in the event that they are no longer afraid.
Albus thanks him for his help and Evan leaves the office. When he returns to his own desk, a dark wooden table with a rolling black leather chair, he digs into one of the three drawers and finds an unused notebook. He takes out the notebook, grabs a pen from the top of his desk, opens to the brand new page, and begins to write.
Ideas For Improving Torture:
#1:
~*~
*Six Months Before Present Day*
It’s fitting, Barty thinks, that he enacts his revenge on the one year anniversary of the day that it all went to shit. The past year has changed him in more ways than he can count. His light clothes have grown dark. His loud thoughts and personality have become softer and quiet. No longer is he the first one to jump up and lend a hand to those he works with. He can’t bear to add anything to a place that has stolen so much from so many.
He has taken to a life of solitude, and he doesn’t think his father has even noticed the change. If he had noticed, Barty knows Crouch would hate it. Hate that he doesn’t attend donor meetings or events anymore, doesn’t work overtime, has stopped bringing new ideas to the table. He relishes in the thought of his father hating who he has become. He no longer cares to be someone Crouch is proud of.
He’s back in the office today, typing away at a computer, or pretending to. If anyone was to look over at his screen they’d notice the only thing pulled up is a word document that idly sits blank. The cursor thumping in and out of the screen. Barty pays no mind to the black and white contrast of the pixels, he’s staring at the clock.
Every day for the past three years at twelve-thirty his father leaves his office and goes to lunch. Sometimes the lunch is with an important donor he’s trying to suck money out of, or a client asking for aid, other times Crouch just takes ‘alone time’. Today the lunch is with a donor that Crouch has been working with for years. These lunches always go long, making it the perfect opportunity for Barty to enact his revenge.
Slowly the digital clock shutters from one number to the next, until finally it lands on the long awaited 12:30. As if moved by a deity, Barty watches as his father opens his office door and exits. Instead of heading for the front door like usual, he makes a quick stop at Barty’s desk.
“It’s the Black Family again today. We really need this to go over well.” His father adjusts the cuffs of his shirt, straightening everything out as he speaks. “Make sure Brenda in accounting is ready for when I return. I will not be leaving until they agree to donate some more of their filthy fortune over and I want everything to move along swiftly when I return before they can change their minds, again.”
Barty doesn’t bother to correct his father on Bertha’s name, or bring up the fact that the Black family very regularly donates money to To Do Good, but only when their names are in the papers. It’s been quiet lately since both of their children supposedly ran away after going mad, so donations from them have become obsolete. Barty also has to hold in the scoff his body wants to give on instinct at the words ‘filthy money’, as if the money his family has is any cleaner. “Yes Mr. Crouch.” He says instead of all of the other words he wishes to say.
“Good lad. Hopefully I’ll be seeing you in two hours.” His father gives him a harsh pat at the back that makes Barty wince, and then leaves.
Barty makes quick work of it. He wants to be as far away as possible by the time this is all through. He heads into his father’s office, locking the door behind himself and makes his way to the computer. It took him a year to put the plan together, work out the details, prepare for the fall out, get the balls to actually do it, and by then he decided today would be the perfect day. He has waited in silence for 365 days, and he will wait no longer.
He pulls out a page from his pants pocket, written notes of everything he was able to gather his father stole and from whom. It’s all so much simpler than he imagined. All he has to do is click a few buttons, guess his father’s passcode, which of course is just Crouch’s birthday, and then press a few more things before clicking those final confirm buttons. With that, all of the money that has been sitting in Crouch’s bank account has been returned to the original benefactors from which he stole. Every. Last. Cent.
A smirk finds its way across Barty’s mouth as he looks at that lovely 0.00. His father of course mutes his phone when he heads off to these important lunches, today will be no different. He won’t notice the bank phone calls for hours to come. He will use the organization’s credit card for business expenses to pay for the lunch. When he comes back however, Barty will be gone and all that will remain will be the screen of repeating zeros under Crouch’s bank account number.
A laugh bubbles in Barty’s throat. His father will know it was him, and he will know why he did it. The notes he attached to each transaction will tell all of the donors why their money was returned to them. In the end, Crouch will have no one. Barty hopes afterwards someone actually worthy of running this place will stand up, but it can’t be him, no one would trust him. No one would believe that he never had a hand in taking away money that didn’t rightfully belong to him, he is his father’s son after all, the one always looking to be praised.
With that, he goes. He leaves the office, returns to the streets of London, and takes off. It takes multiple tube and bus rides for him to reach his new home. He smiles the entire way. When he first concocted his plan he knew step one was to separate himself from his father in every possible way. He opened a new bank account his father knew nothing about, slowly transferred his money over to it, and closed the old one. He then found a flat two hours away from his old home, paid for it in cash, and then paid a lot extra to sign all of the necessary documents in a name he made up on the spot. Slowly he bought furniture pieces and stocked up the place until it was ready. Now it is home.
He just has to hope that it was all enough, that his father won’t be able to find him. Crouch could go to the police of course but what would he say? His twenty-seven year old son got up and ran away after returning stolen money? There’s nothing he could do or say that wouldn’t implicate himself, so for now Barty feels safe.
He sets his messenger bag down on the table next to the front door and takes in his home. There are various plants that adorn the place and pictures hanging on the wall. It’s quite modest in terms of furniture, a couch and TV along with one table in the living room. He doesn’t know how long it will be before he runs out of his savings and has to get a job, so he thought it best to try to live frugally for the time being. He doesn’t want any markers of him available for his father to find so it will be best to lay low for a while. For now, this will do.
That night as he lays in bed, he falls asleep with a smile on his face, knowing that this was easily the best thing he has ever done in his life. He hopes his mother is proud of him, wherever she is. Maybe when they meet again she’ll be overjoyed with how he handled everything. She’ll smile, it will radiate, and he won’t feel the need to bottle it up because he’ll know that there will be more moments with her to come.
~*~
Another day, a new test subject, and more screams.
Evan is quite proud of himself for what he was able to come up with today. After the subject he had a year ago, he’s begun to explore beyond the Fears and Phobias section of the files. He has been creating tortures that go beyond the physical and has delved into the mental states of subjects. In his free time he reads about the human psyche, trying to get a better understanding of what he’s working with and finds new ways to apply this information into his work.
Today he had a subject watch as the woman he married fucked multiple men. He was forced to watch and listen as she moaned and asked for more, harder, faster, so much better than her deadbeat husband who couldn’t even make her come. When it was over she walked over to the man and told him how worthless she thought he was. The man laid on the floor and cried in a fetal position for hours even after it had ended. Evan walked away smiling, that was just a tester idea! He has much better torture ideas but he was glad to see how well that one worked.
He’s still giddy from the experience as he sits in Albus’ office once again as they go through their debrief. He tells Albus how he was inspired by a relationship that ended due to cheating in the subject's youth, and the overwhelming love the man had for his wife. Albus praised him for his use of information throughout the file. Just when Evan thinks they’re done Albus clears his throat and tells him to stay for a bit longer.
“There is something else I wanted to speak with you about while we are here.” Albus says and Evan suddenly becomes alert, back straightening, eyes on his mentor. “As you are well aware, the average time spent in training to be an architect is five hundred years. We believe that this is the ideal amount of time to experience a wide variety of cases and work under different mentors to study the different stylistic choices of torture.”
“Yes Sir.” Evan says. This is all pretty common knowledge within the world of demons and architects. Evan has been working under Albus for three-hundred years now, and only Albus. It’s one of the perks of being hand selected by the head of the Bad Place himself. He’s really hoping this isn’t Albus’ way of saying that he’s through with Evan and is passing him off to another mentor. Now that would be torture.
“You look worried son.” Albus says. Evan feels his eyes widen and does his best to tone down his facial expressions into one of ease. “I am bringing these things up to tell you that you are exceptional in all regards of torture. I have decided that you need no further training. This was your last test subject under my mentorship. I am making you an official Bad Place Architect.”
This is everything Evan has ever wanted. He had been hoping to complete the training in four-hundred years but this is something else entirely. He’s not sure if he’s actually ready. He’s confident in his skills and that he’s good, but that has always been with Albus standing right next to him. Doing it all on his own is something entirely different.
“I will be putting you on a neighborhood project. As you know these neighborhoods encompass multiple humans instead of just one. What you do to torture them is up to you. I will let you select the humans you want for your neighborhood yourself but I expect them to be recently deceased and the neighborhood running within six month’s time.”
Evan feels himself nodding involuntarily. “Thank you Sir. It’s an honor.” The ideas for his own neighborhood run through his mind. He’s had passing thoughts, idle things that he never thought to hope would come about so soon. Those plans have been changed and altered throughout time as he’s honed in on his craft, but now will be the time to put everything to the test.
“It has been wonderful to work with you son and I am looking forward to seeing what you create with that sharp mind of yours.” Albus gives a warm smile and Evan’s own grows larger.
Evan goes to stand up and leave but finds himself lowering back into the chair. “Can I ask you something Sir?” Albus waves his hands in a motion to continue. “Well, I was wondering. Neighborhoods focus on physical torture, group torment and all that, but I have been quite enjoying the psychological side of things. Would I be able to do something with that?”
Albus lets out a small sigh and reaches to push his glasses back towards his eyes. “Are you still thinking about Amelia Bones? That case from a year ago?”
Evan sees no reason to lie as he responds, “I think about her nearly every day Sir.” Albus lets out a small hum and nods his head, “I want to be an architect more than anything but I want to be more than just an architect. I want to be one that is remembered, have my name on the Bad Place Hall of Fame. That’s not something I’ll be able to achieve if my designs lead to people growing accustomed to physical fear, especially if it happens quickly.”
Albus stands up from his chair and walks to the wall containing multiple framed photos of notable architects from the past. He reaches up and adjusts one that is crooked, then places his hands behind his back as he speaks. “Evan, do you know why we torture?”
“It is the way of the universe, Sir.” Evan responds quickly. It is the first thing a demon learns when it’s born. A lesson ingrained from the dawn of time.
“Yes, indeed it is. It is more than that. What we do is balance the universe. What we do is for the greater good. Punishment and reward go hand-in-hand. Without darkness, light would not be able to shine through, it would not seem so bright. Without humans that commit atrocities or bad acts, those that are good would not seem so great. It is because of us that those that claim to be good people are able to exist, and for that they are rewarded. Yet it is because bad people are bad that they must be punished. They were given the opportunities to be good in life while on Earth, yet they choose to act another way, and there shall be no reward for that.”
Evan hangs onto every word, regretful that he doesn’t have something to write notes with.
“That being said,” Albus continues, “we are by no means perfect creatures ourselves. On occasion we make mistakes and that is alright because we not only bring the balance, we are the balance. If they get bored or disinterested in your methods of torture, then so be it. I have had my own handful of subjects that have done the same. You will be responsible for hundreds of subjects in your time, and there is no way to be with all of them at once. You will check on them, make adjustments if necessary, and move onto the next. They have an eternity of torture to endure. Do your best, that is all I ask of you.”
“Thank you Sir.” With that Evan stands up and leaves. Albus’ words ringing in his head. There is no way to be with all of them at once. Do your best. What if there was a way? A way to see that he was there, that what he was doing was working as intended? There would also be the bonus of getting to see all of the agony first hand instead of just the beginning.
Evan returns to his own desk and begins to pack up his things. He’s an apprentice no longer, he is an architect, and he will make sure that his first neighborhood is one to be remembered.
~*~
*Two Months Before Present Day*
Four months have passed since Barty had abandoned his whole life, and not much has happened, at least not to him. In the days and weeks that had followed his departure he took to buying newspapers and scanning for information about his father and the charity. He had been hoping for a large headline that read “Breaking: Bartemius Crouch Senior, rich asshole and co-founder of To Do Good turns out to have gotten his disgusting fortune by money laundering! Thankfully caught by his amazing son! How could we possibly thank this local hero?” It didn’t have to be those words but something like that would suffice. Instead, he saw no mention of his father.
He waited and waited and yet, no news came. He thought for sure at least the people he sent the money back to would have gone to the news outlets. This was millions of dollars that had been stolen, not some loose change that was taken off the side of the street. Yet as the weeks turned into months, he lost hope in justice coming.
Barty still isn’t taking chances though. He knows that no matter what the news or internet says, there is bound to be some kind of fall out from all of this. Someone out there now doubts his father, no matter how much money he spent hushing everything up or lies he spun to cover his tracks. Barty just has to be patient, he didn’t blow up his life for nothing. He did the right thing and those that deserve to pay for the harm they caused will bleed one way or another, even if he must never hear about it. He has to believe that much.
A month ago he decided it was time to get a job. Starting over in the field at twenty-seven wasn’t something he was particularly looking forward to. He debated for some time on whether or not to put down his work at To Do Good as past employment but eventually decided against it. The last thing he needs is someone to call up his father for a reference and let him know exactly where he is. Instead he told potential employers that he spent the last few years helping to take care of his ailing mother. It doesn’t feel like a complete lie with how much he’s been thinking about her lately.
The worry was all for nothing though when he ended up getting a job as a bartender in some rundown pub that didn’t care about where he had been before, only that he could count change correctly and was okay with watering down the vodka to make it last a little longer. It doesn’t make him a whole lot of money but it covers the cost of groceries which is enough for now. He still has plenty in savings but there is nothing wrong with making sure he has a little extra cash in case he needs it.
The night is slow, he’s poured a few beers to some older guys and made three vodka crans for the chick at the end of the bar sitting by herself. He debates talking to her, she looks kind of lonely, but then decides against it. If she’s drinking alone it’s probably for a reason. He leaves her be, only coming over when the last hint of red has left the glass and asks her if she’d like another. She nods and says thank you. He gets to pouring.
He prepares a new glass, ice thrown in the bottom already when he reaches for the vodka and sees maybe only half a pour left. He berates himself silently for not stocking up when he came in, and heads to the back to get a new bottle. When he returns with the Grey Goose in hand he looks out to the bar and stops in his tracks. The woman near the door makes eye contact with him and both stare at one another. He thought for sure he’d never see her again. Her red tank top and jean shorts hug the curves of her body, so contrast with her usual pantsuit. Bertha from accounting.
Tentatively he approaches the bar rail and finishes making the lonely girl’s drink before setting it on the damp coaster in front of her. Bertha walks slowly up to the bar and takes a seat, putting her large purse on the stool next to her. As he gets a closer look, Barty notices the lack of make-up on her once perfectly polished face, the bags that darken her under eyes, her hair unbrushed. She looks like she’s been to hell and back.
“I’m done in an hour. We can talk then if you want.” Barty offers. He doesn’t like that she is here, invading his new life. A crossing of worlds he’s not fond of. He wonders how she found him, if she even meant to, and most importantly, what she knows.
“Yeah. I think we should.” She says. Bertha orders a gin and tonic, squeezing two lime slices into it before stirring and taking a tentative sip. They don’t speak, just occasional eye contact, as if making sure the other person is still there.
She has a second drink, then a third, and a fourth, each time pushing in on the sides of the limes the same way as the first, not missing a drop. Barty tries to busy himself so he isn’t watching her as she slowly moves between the lines of tipsy to drunk. He takes a sanitized rag over the different surfaces of the bar. He can’t seem to spend more than two minutes behind the thing without getting sticky with some kind of syrup or liquor. He wipes away at the grime on the counter, then around the rail that holds his well bottles.
More people eventually find their way into the pub as night takes over the day. It’s that time of year when one moment a person can feel the heat of the sun seeping into their skin and the next, without the street light to guide their way, they’re blind as the dark has encompassed the world. A chill sweeps through the room as the front door opens and closes. Barty makes sure the vodka cran girl isn’t driving herself home before he closes her out and she goes.
All the other patrons must sense something isn’t quite right with the bartender, as they take to the tables and arcade games that outline the room instead of sitting at the bar rail. The only one willing to linger is Bertha.
The hour goes by quickly as Barty pours beers and combines liquor with mixers. Eventually he hears the sound of the drawbridge at the end of the bar raise up and slam down. He turns to see his coworker punching themselves into the computer used to ring up tabs. He gives a nod as a greeting, something he never did before moving here.
Barty double checks everything is stocked for the late night bartender before collecting his tips and clocking out. When he passes the other side of the drawbridge, Bertha is standing there already waiting for him. She must have had a coat in her oversized purse because her arms are now covered in a lilac jacket. Nothing about her clothes match but Barty isn’t going to be the one to point that out to her now.
They say nothing to each other as they walk out the front door together. The other bartender gives Barty a look down as he leaves, but Barty just rolls his eyes. Sleeping with clientele isn’t something that’s encouraged but it’s also far from looked down on. At least one other bartender he works with regularly takes customers home at the end of his shifts. Barty doesn’t bother trying to think of a way to explain what’s going on between himself and Bertha, the less questions and answers the better.
Bertha seems to have a location in mind, the alleyway behind the bar, tucked between the bins and next door buildings. Barty isn’t sure if he’s supposed to speak first, he isn’t quite sure what to ask or how much he should give away. Luckily he doesn’t have to.
“When you left, you caused a lot of shit for the rest of us.” Bertha says as she digs into her purse and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She wasn’t a smoker four months ago, at least not as far as Barty knows. He jerks back at the bluntness of her words.
“What do you mean?” He asks tentatively as she places the cigarette between her teeth, lights it with a sharp inhale, and throws the pack back into her purse.
“Haven’t you been keeping up with the papers? It’s everywhere.” She looks at him stoic, no expression to be shown in her demeanor or tone of voice. She flicks the filter of her cigarette with her thumb, waiting for a response. If Barty hadn’t poured them himself, he wouldn’t believe she’s four drinks deep right now.
He’s checked the papers. He checked every day for over a month before deciding that there was nothing. He had been hoping that all of the repercussions were hushed up and that’s what he tells her. “I’ve checked the papers. There hasn’t been anything.”
Bertha sighs, exasperated. “What papers have you been checking?”
Barty goes on to list the papers he looked at daily. After he finishes he realizes his mistake. When he lived back in London he only ever checked local papers. He had no need for anything else because the local stuff always covered far more than just London. He was in the same habit after he moved. He has only ever looked at local news reports. He had only ever scanned headlines, sure that it would have made the news, and maybe it did, but he never would have seen it. Bertha can obviously see the cogs turning in his mind as she raises an eyebrow and then rolls her eyes.
“What happened?” He pleads with her. He thought he would never get to know. Did his father go to jail? Is the company run by someone else now? Someone better? His hopes quickly leave him as he remembers just how this conversation started. You caused a lot of shit for the rest of us. She wouldn’t be here if she had good news.
“After you left everything went south. Your dad came back to the office and saw your little message you sent. It was pretty obvious too when no one could find you afterwards.” She takes a large inhale of her cigarette. “He had to play it off though, he couldn’t just let those donors know that he was laundering money and his own son figured it out and undermined him.”
Barty figured this much would happen. That’s why he left notes on all of the transfers, so the donors would know why they were getting their money returned. He lets her continue without interrupting.
“He called all of the donors and personally told them that someone had hacked into his account and transferred the money. He said he was going to find out who was responsible and make sure that all of their banking information was secure.” She rubs out the remaining bits of the cigarette on the wall of the bar between the overlain bricks. “He told all of them that they could keep the money as a ‘good will gesture’. Then he came for us.” She pauses. Barty can hear his own breath as he awaits what’s next.
“Someone had to have the blame and it couldn’t be you. He went after the accounting department. Told all the donors that it was a group effort after refusing to give us raises.” She crosses her arms as she looks at him, making sure he takes in every word. “He fired every last one of us and then he went to the news outlets. He made sure all of our names were out there.”
“Every time someone searches my name now that damn interview comes up. None of us have been able to find work and those that do are barely getting by. We’re being harassed in the streets, our pictures are all over the internet. Disgruntled accountants for charity steal money from donors. That’s how he spun it.” There are tears streaking her cheeks but her face remains placid. Barty doesn’t know what to say, what to do. Should he comfort her? Apologize?
“I didn’t mean for any-”
“Don’t.” She cuts him off and her words begin to come out quicker. “Don’t say you didn’t mean for this to happen. We know that. It happened anyways. Diane got her kids taken from her after she ended up homeless but she doesn’t blame you. Henry can’t pay for his mum’s nursing home anymore and he doesn’t blame you either. Every person has had something terrible happen to them in the aftermath and yet none of them blame you.” She pauses, taking in a deep breath. “What were you thinking though?” She clutches her bag tighter as if it’s her only thing keeping her tethered to this world.
“I was trying to help.” Barty chokes out. “I- I was trying to do good. To give the money back-”
“Give the money back?” She laughs. It’s gnarled, something trying to escape her throat. “Half the money we took in was blood money. Those people only gave their money to us to seem like good people. They don’t give even a percentage of what they’re worth. Now they have it all back. They get to seem good and stay richer than ever.”
“Bertha I’m so sorry.” Barty’s the one crying now. He never meant for all of this to happen. He was trying to do right. He was trying to do what his mother would have wanted him to. He only had so much information and he used it the way he thought best.
Bertha laughs again, this time with an actual smile. It’s not a happy smile, her eyes are shining with hatred. “You know how I said none of them blame you?” She reaches into her bag and pulls something out. Barty is too busy looking at her face trying to figure out how he can properly beg for her forgiveness or make some of this right.
She looks him in the eyes, not blinking, “You ruined my life and I blame you.”
Before he can process anything else, there is a gun to his temple.
~*~
Evan smiles brightly at the group of people before him. Glorious bastards they all are. Most subjects, from what he knows, hate their coworkers, but he can’t help but feel fondness for the devils in front of him.
He stands in front of a large rectangular wooden table with seven chairs surrounding it. Each chair contains a demon from a different department in the Bad Place, with Albus Dumbledore sitting at the head of the table. Next to Evan is an easel pad with the words INNOVATION OF TORTURE sprawled across the front. When everyone is settled into their seats Evan begins.
“Thank you all for taking the time out of your days to meet with me. As you know my deadline for my first neighborhood is in two months. I believe that the idea I have created for this neighborhood is the pinnacle of innovation when it comes to torture. We have watched time and time again as humans get bored. We release bees with knives as stingers, our lava monsters attack them, and worst of all, we make them look at Pete’s face.” The last one receives a laugh from everyone but Peter, who flushes with embarrassment, and Evan smiles before he continues.
“Yet it seems that no matter what we throw at them, the outcome is inevitable. Time is a thief and it steals one of our greatest joys, watching as humans become scared. My neighborhood idea throws away the concept of physical torture entirely and replaces it with psychological torment instead. I have picked out four humans that I believe we will be able to torture, mentally, for at least five hundred years.” Evan flips the page of his easel pad, showing the faces of the four humans he has selected, and examines the demons for their initial reactions.
Albus is the first one to speak up, “We have yet to look at psychological torture in neighborhoods. This kind of torment is for more of an individual experience. Why not save this idea for a singular subject?”
Evan came prepared for this question. He actually came prepared for Albus to ask him about 1,348 questions but this one was high on the list of ones he anticipated. Evan clears his throat and paces with his hands behind his back as he speaks. “The neighborhood I have designed and the humans I have selected will be torturing each other. The combination of Regulus Black, James Potter, Sirius Black and Barty Crouch Jr. will drive each of them into mental chaos. The foundation of my plan lies in my neighborhood's design.” He pauses, as he readies himself to say the most important part, “I am going to make them think that they are in the Good Place.”
Albus speaks up again, “There are many moving parts to this. I am not sure if this will work.”
Evan was worried this would happen. After all of his planning, the main person that he needs to convince to let him go through with this experiment is Albus. If Albus isn’t on board, even if all of the other demons think it’s a good idea, there’s nothing he can do. He’ll have to start everything over from scratch with just one month left. He won’t have a chance to be innovative. He won’t be memorable. This has been his dream for so long and he’s worked so hard to get here.
Evan walks over to the utility closet in the conference room and opens the door. He hears gasps from a few demons who can see inside as he pulls out his secret weapon. He brings it to the front so everyone can get a good look at it, in perfect view of Albus.
Albus’ eyes widen slightly in shock. “How did you get a Good Place AIA?” Albus asks.
Evan can feel the smugness growing in him. He looks at Remus, admiring his work as he explains. “The Good Place dweebs keep everything unlocked. I broke into the Good Place AIA warehouse and just took him. Grabbed the first one I saw. What model I got didn’t really matter to me so we ended up with Remus here. I must have made some noise while I was in there though because someone came in. I ended up throwing the thing through the door back into the Bad Place just in time, but it cut his face open a little. It’s just a small scar though, not noticeable enough to cause any worry.”
Evan turns his attention back at the demons, seven faces that show they are highly impressed. Albus can see that he’s serious about this, that he wants this plan to work more than anything, to be given at least the chance to try to make it work.
Before they can ask anything else, Evan continues, “On the note of the multiple moving parts. With your permission of course Sir, I want to be down there with them. We will have demons playing characters to sell the ruse but I will be posing as a Good Place architect to ensure it is all working as intended.”
“Alright son.” Albus said, “I do not think this is going to work the way you are expecting it to but go on, tell us how it would go.”
Evan can feel the smile creep across his face, a sense of satisfaction fills his chest. He clears his throat once more and lays out all of the details. He explains the relationship dynamic that existed on Earth between the brothers, the way James is loyal to a fault and hates lying, how he wants to make Regulus feel that he is at risk of being found out. For the first time in his life Evan feels as if he has more answers than questions. As he explains he can already see the way it will all unfold, the torment they will all experience. He’ll be there firsthand through it all to witness every bit of it.
By the time he’s done, everyone seems on board. Pete even offers to be an actor for the project out of curiosity as to how it will all turn out. It all comes down to the man in charge. Seven pairs of eyes turn and look at Albus, waiting for his response.
“I believe it is a waste of resources,” Albus says. “But you are my star pupil, there is no denying the talent you possess. I believe you will make an adequate attempt. You have my approval for this experiment.”
Evan beams. It’s all coming together. Three hundred years of apprenticeship, the past four months of planning. He’s going to do it, he will forever be memora-
“If.” Albus continues, cutting all sense of celebration to an abrupt halt. “If you do not succeed, if you cannot make this work for at least five hundred years as you say, you must return to apprenticeship. You will start from the beginning of your training, the entire five hundred years, under a different mentor. Do we have a deal?”
Evan looks around the room as he bites his lower lip. His mentor, his colleagues, his friends, Good Remus, his plans. Is it worth the risk? If he fails he would be memorable alright, but not in the way he always imagined. But no, this will work, it has to work. He will bring in a new era of torture, he will be the revolution that the Bad Place needs. He will be the one to bring the change.
“We have a deal.” Evan responds. Albus smiles back at him and Evan sees something he has never seen before in a smile from his mentor, it’s cold. The look sends chills down Evan’s spine. The look is gone as quickly as it came and Evan thinks he must have just imagined it.
“Wonderful.” Albus says as he stands up. “I believe three of the boys are still in stasis as they died only a little bit ago but I shall have that Barty fellow taken out of his torture and erase his mind of this place.”
“No need sir,” Evan smirks, “I’ve got special plans for him.”
~*~
*One Month Before Present Day*
He had been hoping to see his mother, it was his dying wish, his dying hope, but not like this. Never had he wanted it like this. Barty stands before his mother now as she lets out her final breaths. She’s lying on her bed, covered in a thick duvet despite the sweat that drops from her face.
Barty tries to reach out to her, to hold her, to tell her it’s going to be okay but his arms sink through her body every time, and then comes the shock. When his hand touches her own, his body singes with pain as an electric current pulses through him. Despite knowing what’s coming, he can’t help himself. Just one more touch. One more. That’s all he wants.
This isn’t the first time he’s seen her and he can guess that it won’t be his last. As her lips part and she begins to speak he knows what’s coming, he has it memorized at this point.
“Barty. My sweet boy. I miss you already.” She speaks to the air, to the white ceiling, the only thing she can look at. A cough escapes from her lips, her breath is shallow and is slowing with each passing word. “I wish you were here. I wish I could have protected you from him.” She lets out a wince of pain from somewhere deep in her chest before she speaks her final words, “I wish I could see you one last time before I go.”
She doesn’t say anything else, she can’t. She’s gone. Barty feels the tears streaming down his cheeks coating the old ones already crusted onto his face. He has no way to measure the passage of time, no way of knowing how long it's been, but he can count how many times he has been forced to play witness to his mother’s death. He hears her dying wish, her deathbed words, even when she is not here and it’s even more painful when she is.
He reaches out, one more feeble attempt to get to her but the shock holds him back. He feels the sting ricochet through his body, into his bones and heart. The tips of his hair singe on impact. He gasps for air but his mouth is filled with static.
Next, is his father. He wishes that they would let him witness his father’s death. He wants to watch as his father dies alone and unloved but instead he gets this. His father standing before him, seemingly taller than he ever was. Barty feels like a child in comparison, he is so small, he is weak, and his father lets him know it.
“You are a disgrace of a human being.” Crouch sneers at him. “You thought that you could outrun me? Outrun who you are! You are my son! My blood is in your own. You are a useless excuse of life, a waste of oxygen.”
Barty wants to stand up for himself but every time he feels that he has the will to speak out against his father he physically becomes smaller. He can feel his bones shrinking as he gets ready to yell back. The pain is agony. He should learn to let go, to give in to the torment but his father deserves to hear what Barty really thinks.
“Your mother always wanted a daughter and that’s what she got you fucking pussy.” Crouch towers over a shrinking Barty. He places one foot out and steps on Barty’s hand, crushing the bones. Barty screams out, begs his father to stop. “You ran away because you are nothing more than a coward that couldn’t face his own consequences. Let everyone else deal with those didn’t you?” When Barty tries to say something back, Crouch twists his foot on Barty’s broken hand. “You were never any better than I was. I was going to train you. Admit it to yourself, if I told you that I was stealing and I showed you how to do it, you would have gone along with it. Wouldn’t you have? Wouldn’t you!”
Barty’s breathing hasn’t been steady for some time and now is no different. He’s on his knees with a broken hand, worshiping a man who deserves nothing. He sobs as he speaks the truth, “Yes. I would have. If you had told me, I would’ve taken the money too.”
Crouch releases his hold on Barty’s hand. He picks up Barty by the collar of his shirt and drags his withering body up to his own face. “You could have had everything” He spits out. “but for some reason you got the idea into your head that you were better than me.” Crouch throws his son onto the ground, a mess of broken bones, sweat and tears. “You’re no better than the dirt on my shoes, but at least the dirt was going places.”
The scene changes again and Bertha is in front of him. She looks as crazed as the night they met behind the bar. She tells Barty over and over how he ruined the lives of so many people. She tells him that what he did was for nothing. She says all he does is hurt the people he claims to care about. He stays on the floor, a sobbing disaster.
He knows what comes next. He hopes and prays that this time, it will do the job right. Let this part take him out of his misery. Let him escape. Let him be free. He doesn’t flinch when she pulls the trigger.
~*~
Evan looks around at the house he has created for Regulus to live in. Every detail is so innocuously sinister. He’s proud of the work he’s done, and is excited to see how it will all unfold. He walks over to the bed and slides a hidden panel in the wall, right next to the bed lamp. Behind the panel is a switch, he flips it, and the sunroof opens. He closes the panel and takes one final look. That was the last detail. Everything is ready for his new residents.
As he walks the streets of the neighborhood on his way back to his office he watches as the demons he has enlisted as actors. enjoy the final moments before the humans arrive. Most of them already have their skin suits on, hiding their demonic forms, but others want to spend the remaining two days free of the confines of the suits. Snakes people slither by. Slug men scooch along, leaving behind a trail of slime. Light emits from fire creatures as they talk with sirens in the water. They all know their roles, the parts they will play, at least for the first hundred years or so. He knows that they’ll have to change and adapt as the humans respond to each other, and them, but that’s all part of the fun.
He smiles and waves at his friends and colleagues. He built this world, or rather Remus built it, but he designed it. His dreams are becoming a reality and everything is coming into place, there’s only one last thing he has to do before everything can truly begin.
In his office there is a small one-time use portal that will bring him to the actual Bad Place. He steps in and is instantly transported to Albus’ office. “Evan.” Albus says, “I was not expecting you to return until tomorrow. Did you forget something?”
Evan shakes his head, “No sir. I always planned to come back today. As you know I have one final matter of business that needs to be taken care of before my neighborhood can start.”
Albus looks Evan over. “You look worried, son. Do you think he will not aid you?”
Truthfully, Evan is worried. The foundation of his plan has four components, four humans who will perfectly make each other miserable. Three of those pieces are in place as they sit in stasis, waiting to be awoken in Evan’s new office, but one piece still remains. If he isn’t able to do this he will only have two days to make adjustments before his deadline. It all has to go according to plan. Instead of voicing his worries, he stands up straighter, chest out and chin up. “No Sir. I have full confidence in my plan and I look forward to you seeing it as it progresses.” Evan tries to sound more confident than he feels.
Albus responds with a small nod. Evan leaves his old mentor’s office and makes his way down. He has had the file for over a month now and knows exactly where the subject has been kept away. Alastor Moody was assigned the case but Evan knows he can do better than the old man. Originally Moody was pissed that Albus let Evan snatch up his human, but Evan doesn’t care, this subject is perfect for his goals.
It doesn’t take long to come to the small room with two-way glass. Inside he looks as Barty Crouch Junior cries. The man is laying on the floor, knees tucked to his chest as he whimpers out, tears hitting the ground, mixing with a pool of his own blood, piss and sweat. He hits his head on the concrete floor, over and over again, willing the image of his dying mother to go away. Evan thinks it’s perfect.
This is exactly what he had been talking about all those months ago with Albus. The first hundred times Barty sees his mother dying, hears her speak her dying words, it’s torture. Then the next hundred will come and it will just be a scene Barty has memorized. Then the next hundred and Barty’s brain will tune out the words and the image will become a blur. Torture can’t keep going on like this, they need to innovate. Barty doesn’t know it yet but he will become a key component in the new era.
Evan reaches over to the paneling and turns off the simulation. He watches as Barty tries to pull himself together. The scene was cut short but he doesn’t know why. Evan looks to see if panic makes its way across Barty’s face but it doesn’t. Instead he sees curiosity. Evan waits five minutes, examining Barty and his reactions before finally opening the door and walking inside.
Evan walks in with a wide smile, clipboard in hand, and shuts the door loudly behind him. “Barty! It’s so great to finally meet you.”
Barty looks up, confused. Maybe he thinks that this too is part of the simulation, part of the torture. He doesn’t know just how right that guess would be. “What’s- what’s going on?” Barty’s voice is raw from a month of screaming and lack of words being said.
“Well I guess I’ll start with introductions. Thanks so much for asking. My name is Evan and I am a demon here to whisk you away from this eternal torment.”
Barty tries to stand up, his knees weak and wobbly. He regains his balance and Evan wonders how long the man had been on the floor. Barty looks hopeful as he asks, “Are you going to kill me?”
Evan can’t help but laugh, deep from his stomach he chuckles at the question. “Barty, dude, you’re already dead! Thought you would’ve figured that much out by now.”
Barty’s face scrunches up in confusion, “I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t know you. I only ever see people I know. Are you God?”
Evan leans in close, putting his mouth next to Barty’s ear, and whispers, “God is dead. God remains dead and I am something far, far worse, but if it pleases you, you may call me your God for I am here to save you.”
He pulls back and watches as Barty tries to make sense of his words. “Let me explain.” Evan gestures to the two chairs he put into the simulation room before he came in. The two men walk over and take a seat. “I have a proposition for you Bee. Can I call you Bee? I’m a fan of nicknames but Bart is a terrible name in my opinion, it sounds too much like bark.”
Barty only nods, so Evan continues. “Bee, I believe that there is a better way to torture people. This whole physical torture has been done time and time again. I want to delve into the psyche of humans and torture them from within!” Every time Evan talks about his project he feels the pride swell in his chest, and can hear his words coming out quickly from excitement. “I am designing a neighborhood that will mentally torture three humans and I need a man on the inside. I have read through your file and I think you would be a perfect fit.” Evan expects Barty to be pleased with the idea that he is good enough for something but instead he’s met with a blank stare.
“My demons and I have studied humans from the dawn of time itself but when it comes down to it, we’re not humans.” Evan explains. “We can’t fully grasp what it’s like to be one, how they think, why they do what they do. We can make all the guesses we like but I believe having an actual human on our side will be what takes this neighborhood from good to great. From an experiment to a success.”
“So what do you want from me?” Barty asks with his raw voice. From this angle, Evan can see how Barty’s eyes are nearly swollen shut from the tears he’s shed. He never had the pleasure of viewing a picture of the man before him, and can’t help but think that it was a damn crime. Even with those puffy eyes, Barty is quite beautiful. He’s probably gorgeous when he screams. Evan licks his lips at the idea.
“It’s all very simple,” Evan says, “I want you to be my man on the inside. I’ll tell one of the humans that you’re his soulmate and you’ll befriend the other two. Your job is to help me make their afterlives miserable in every psychological way.”
Barty looks hesitant to agree. Evan wasn’t sure if he would have to pull out this last part but it’s better to be safe than sorry to ensure that his plan works the way he wants it to. “If you agree, and everything goes according to plan, I assure you that if you return here, you will no longer be tortured. You have my word that no harm will come to you. If you don’t agree I’ll leave this room, and turn your simulation back on, but I will make sure that you remember this moment, the moment you where offered a way out.”
“How do I know you’re not lying?” Barty asks carefully.
“You don’t,” Evan says, “but I promise you I’m not. It’s your choice on whether you want to take the risk.” Of course Evan is lying, a demon’s word means nothing. He has no sway in what will become of Barty if he returns but he can see the contemplation in Barty’s eyes and Evan knows he’s got him.
“Alright, I’ll- I’ll do it.” Barty stampers out.
Evan smiles large, his chest fills with the promise, “Let’s make some misery together.”
Notes:
How are we feeling???
Two new POVs unlocked!!!
Barty finding out about Crouch 🙃🙃
Evan in training! Albus is his mentor and head of the Bad Place!
Barty returning all of the money!! King behaviour
Evan gets promoted!
Barty's death 😞 he was just trying to do the right tthingggg he didn't know bad stuff would happen!
Evan proposing his idea (Ft. Remus)
Okay so Barty's torture scene was kinda fun to write ngl. I love him but too many good things have happened to him. Don't worry he'll get some more terrible shit before it get better. Just maybe not as bad
Evan and Barty meetingggggg!!!!
This was the third chapter I ever wrote for this fic and it was so fun to write. Barty being in on it was here since the beginning 🙂↕️ He was just trying to do what he thought was right your honor!!! He's innocent!!!! 😇
If you feel bad for Barty, just know the next chapter, (the final one for Part 1) may have you feeling a little bit different 👀
Chapter 20: Fail Again, Fail Better
Notes:
Things have not been what they seem
Warnings:
References to gun violence
Alteration of memory
Physical threats
Enjoyment of psychologically torturing others
Deception
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Try again, fail again, fail better. -Samuel Beckett
***
*Twenty-Five Days Ago*
“Wonderful.” Evan says. “If you all finish early then you can rejoin us and participate. Barty, I would like to speak to you for a moment before your crew leaves.”
Barty's spine goes rigid at the last minute comment Evan tacks on. People slowly move in two directions. A group heads over to Remus to receive their magical plant, and another group forms, awaiting on Barty to join them to clean the neighborhood.
He carefully walks over to Evan, gazing over his shoulder to make sure others won’t overhear the words about to be shared. Evan greets him with a warm smile, a front for the other humans because Barty can see the coldness in Evan’s eyes.
“What do you think that was?” Evan asks, his smile not matching the cut of his question.
“I was trying to make James and Regulus uncomfortable. Like you told me to?” Barty says, voice small with a twinge of fear. Evan looks displeased. Barty tries again, “It was the same plan you told me about yesterday.”
Evan presses a finger into Barty’s chest, and speaks through his teeth, “Do you not listen when I speak?” He bites out, “I specifically told you this morning that I changed my mind and I wanted Regulus to have to face the water. Instead you gave him a perfect opportunity to escape it. Do not forget who you work for, do not forget what the cost is of you failing.”
Barty recoils. He knows the costs, he knows what’s at stake. He's only been out of the dungeons for four days and with so much information being thrown at him and all of the pressure he's under, he had completely forgotten the conversation from this morning. He's already failing.
“I won’t let it happen again.” Barty says quickly. “I’ll make sure the clean up goes quick and we’ll be back in time for him to have to go through with it. We’ll pressure him by saying that there’s only a little bit of time left. It could still work. I'll make sure everything gets back on track.”
Evan scoffs, “Do not bother. I will forgive you this once since we are just starting out. If you let it happen again, I warn you, I will have no qualms about sending you back to those dungeons.”
Barty flinches, but nods his head, not trusting himself to speak on the matter any further. Evan may forgive him this time but there’s no guarantee that he will on the next. He has to stay vigilant. It’ll get easier with time but for now he heads over to the clean up crew as they make their trek back into the town square.
***
*Twenty-One Days Ago*
Barty turns around to find Gilderoy and Peter behind him. He feigns surprise and greets them like old friends. He knows what they could do to him in a locked room with a computer on the other side. He knows the kinds of pain and torment they can cause, but he smiles nonetheless.
Barty introduces the two newcomers to Regulus. They already know every detail about him, but Regulus doesn’t need to know that. Gilderoy asks to speak with Barty for a moment, and although he's aware what the conversation is going to be about, he still finds his heart beginning to beat faster. They pull off to the side behind a row of arcade games leaving Peter and Regulus behind.
“Where is James?” Gil asks, arms folded across his chest. “He was supposed to be here with you.”
Barty sighs, “I guess Evan had a change of plans and decided to take James away today instead of tomorrow.”
“The plan was-”
“Gil, I know what the plan was!” Barty hisses through his teeth, his voice is far too loud. He peaks around the corner and sees Peter talking to Regulus, and sighs knowing he’s in the clear for now. “I’m not going to overrule the boss here. If you have a problem with it, bring it up with Evan.”
The plan was that Barty was going to bring James and Regulus to the arcade together. Barty would then proceed to flirt with James very brazenly, causing James to become flustered and Regulus to panic. Without James here, a key part of that plan has been smashed to bits. Barty had already asked both the men if they wanted to go to the arcade before Evan showed up, and he couldn’t back down after the invitation had already been offered, it would have been suspicious.
He thought on his feet, and readjusted to trying to befriend Regulus. Later on down the line he’ll resume his flirtation with James under the guise of not getting along with Sirius. It will be awful for Sirius as he watches his soulmate slip away. It will be terrible for James as he becomes worried about spilling Regulus’ secret. Regulus will hate every moment of it. Evan had thought of everything when he originally laid out the plan, and the alterations shouldn’t be too bad.
Barty still feels wrong about all of this, even knowing what he’s getting out of it. Taking part in the torture of other humans by disguising himself as their friend isn’t right in any sense. In order to get by he’s begun to think about it as a game. He earns a point for every moment he makes one of the humans miserable, and once he earns enough points, Evan will look down proudly at him and deem that Barty has paid his dues. He will be free of his own torture. He’ll look back at all of this as a blip, a blink of an eye in an infinite amount of time.
Gilderoy doesn’t look like he’s ready to back down, but he concedes for now. Evan designed the neighborhood, created the parts they are to play and made all of the plans for psychological torture. Everyone else is simply a puppet for Evan to play with to make his humans suffer. This is the job Gilderoy signed up for, and the one Barty didn’t get any real say in.
With reluctance they call a momentary truce and return to Peter and Regulus. Although this neighborhood experiment is scheduled to go on for months or years, Barty worries about what an eternity of this will look like.
***
Regulus is trying to interrogate him. Barty can see the way Regulus is looking for cracks in his story, in who he is as a person. Regulus' biggest concern however seems to live in the fact that Barty grew up wealthy but doesn't act like it? That wasn't even part of the plan, that is genuinely who he is, and it irks him that the only authentic part of himself is under such scrutiny. On top of that, Regulus had to bring Barty's mum into the conversation. Out of all three humans, why is this the one he must befriend first?
“What did you do for work?” Regulus asks. The topic change is so sudden, Barty jerks back slightly. He has to choose his words carefully here. Evan never told him he had to lie about this part, and he doesn't want to get lost in some tangled web of half truths, so he settles on being honest.
“My father founded a charity,” Should he say more? Of course he should, he can't leave it at that. “and I worked for him. I mainly would bring together donors and find clients that needed aid from us.”
It's a simple enough of a response. It also provides a good reason as to how Barty ended up in the Good Place. No one would ever second guess or question how he got here. If this was all real, he'd blend in quite nicely.
Regulus pauses, seeming to weigh Barty's answer against what he knows. Barty can see the way Regulus is still looking for cracks, for anything that will prove Barty's guilt. “Did you ever take a little for yourself?” There is an airiness to his tone, as if it's a joke and he's trying to make light of the ideas, “Lots of money moving around like that. It must have been pretty tempting to try and take some to take care of your mum and yourself.”
Barty jolts up out of his seat. “What the hell is wrong with you?" He yells, "I would never!” It's stupid, it's rash but he leaves the arcade and Regulus behind. He can deal with talking about his parents, about his job, about his life, he can talk about anything that lead him here and he can lie through his teeth about the kind of person he was, but being accused of that. It's a reminder of all of the lives he's ruined. It was too much.
Once upon a time he wished to be just like his father, but now the thought of being anything like that man sickens him.
***
*Fourteen Days Ago*
The lock down has been going on for five days and Barty personally thinks he’s been doing a great job of making Sirius feel downright terrible. Whenever he gets the chance he’s been trying to get to know Sirius, asking questions that Sirius fends off like a swarm of flies. He has even been encouraging Sirius to actually do things with him. The mere suggestion always has Sirius claiming he’s tired or needs some alone time, as if he isn’t always alone.
When Barty’s alone, he can’t help but laugh when reminiscing on Sirius’ responses at Barty’s attempt at friendship, let alone a relationship. It’s somewhat fun to see the different ways he can get those reactions out of Sirius, testing different routes and avenues, mapping the territory and seeing what Sirius will do. Sometimes Sirius is subtle, or at least tries to be, other times Sirius can’t help to hide his distaste for Barty’s presence, and that makes him laugh even harder. It's all so comical.
Although he began to accept his role as the human-torturer of the neighborhood by thinking of everything as a game, one that he has to play in order to win, Barty finds his mind slipping more often than not. He finds moments of watching Sirius become uncomfortable at something he’s suggested or asked, only to realize he wasn't thinking about the game at all.
Barty sits in his room, classical music humming through his radio, Bach today. He realized a while ago that having a signal that he’s “asleep” means Sirius feels free to do whatever he wants. Barty often spends this time sitting with his back to his bedroom door listening and wondering what Sirius is getting up to. He lets his imagination run wild, until today when he hears a faint ping followed by a voice. Interesting. Maybe he should tell Evan about that. But no, it would be more fun to keep it to himself and see how he can use it against Sirius later on. Taking initiative. Evan will enjoy that far more.
Almost an hour goes by and Barty’s legs start to ache from sitting on the floor, his back tight from the door. He’s let Sirius have his time. He gets up and turns off the music, and just in time too. The silence allows him to hear a faint knock coming from the front door.
“Hello Barty.” Evan greets with a warm smile. He peers into the house and looks around for Barty’s soulmate.
“He’s locked away in his room.” Barty says, not wanting to bother with the fake smiles and cheery formalities he knows hold no truth.
Evan’s face instantly falls, an expression so cold it wouldn’t be a surprise to Barty to learn that Evan has never felt an ounce of joy in his eternal life. “The sinkhole was a wonderful idea” Evan says, “Truly a stroke of genius from my mind, but it has unfortunately left me in the dark. I would like an update on your progress.”
“We’ve both been locked in since you said no one could leave their homes.” Barty says. He should add on more, talk about the way he's been able to rile up Sirius, but he feels a creeping sensation on the back of his neck. A prickle of eyes trained on him. They're being watched.
“That is good. And you have been doing what I asked of you?” Evan must sense something is off as well, his response unusually vague, but he has forgotten to drop the tone of voice Barty has gotten used to in their times alone together. Evan is in charge, he is the king of this place, the God of the people, and Barty not lest forget it.
Barty sighs, “Yes. I have.”
“You have done well so far Bee. Keep it up and you will get what was promised.” Bee. That damn nickname Evan gave him a lifetime ago. A slip of the tongue. Evan leans forward and begins to speak in a hushed whisper, “I can sense eyes watching us. Do not forget mine are always doing the same. You may think you are doing enough but I assure you, my expectations are higher than your imagination can reach.”
There is a creaking sound from the top of the stairs. It’s quickly followed by Sirius making his way down, joining Barty and Evan at the front door. “Evan! What brings you by?” Sirius says, all too cheery. Barty has to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes.
Evan smiles softly, “Just checking in on everyone. I’ve just stopped by Regulus and James’, so you were next on the list.” Sirius goes to say something but before he can, Evan continues “I best be off. I’ve got a lot more people to check in on. Call me or Remus if you need anything at all.” With that Evan leaves.
Barty shuts the door and turns to Sirius. He’s about to suggest that they sit down for some tea and a chat, but Sirius grabs his jacket and makes for the front door. “Where are you going? We’re supposed to stay in the house.” Barty makes no moves to stop him. He may be Sirius’ torturer but he’s not his keeper.
“I’m headed out.” Sirius says as he puts his jacket on. Barty raises an eyebrow, wondering where the hell Sirius could possibly think he could go during the lock down. “I’m just going next door. I’ll be back in a few hours. It’s just getting too much being stuck in here.”
Ahh. Okay. If anything it will give Barty a few hours to relax and not worry about what his next move is going to be, or maybe he could use the time to actually plan out his next move. It’s getting awfully boring doing the same thing day in and day out with Sirius.
Sirius pats Barty once on the shoulder and then leaves the home. Barty lets out a sigh of relief, a weight lifted off his shoulders, if even for only a moment. He goes to the living room and sprawls himself out on the couch, not caring about the space he takes up. He lays there and thinks of his mother, how if he does this right, he will never see her again, and for the first time in his existence, the thought brings a smile to his face.
***
*Ten Days Ago*
Evan somehow manages to get his golf ball in the hole in one shot on a course where he had to shoot the ball through a waterfall. Immediately afterwards Barty pulls him aside away from the group. He glances around quickly to make sure the others are distracted but nobody is paying any mind to them. “What do you think you are doing?” Evan hisses, caught off guard by suddenly being dragged away.
“What did you tell Sirius about me?” Barty asks quickly, not sure of how much time they have.
“What? He came by for a moment when Regulus and I were having lunch but other than that I have not spoken to Sirius in days, and certainly nothing about you.” Evan asks, confusion crawling across his features.
Barty feels his smirk playing on his lips, “Is that so? What are they playing at? Do you know?”
Barty looks around his shoulder for a brief moment and sees Sirius staring at them. Barty shifts slightly over to hide whatever Evan is about to say. “I asked Regulus to help me investigate the mayhem in the neighborhood. I believe that whatever they are doing now is to ensure I do not think it is Sirius or Regulus himself.”
“Well this could be quite fun.” Barty says. He sees a look of concern sweep through Evan, but it’s gone after a moment. “What?” Barty asks, “There’s so much potential with this.” This is far more exciting than the past few weeks have been. Barty's ready for a change of pace.
Evan faintly smiles, the corner of his mouth upticks, “Oh I am aware. In four days I am going to hold a neighborhood meeting and tell everyone James is at fault. Meet me tonight and I will give you all the details. It is your turn for the next course.”
Barty turns around and returns to the game. Yes, there are lots of possibilities. Barty starts listing them off in his head, holding back the smile that threatens to break through. Evan is going to be busy for the next few days, dealing with whatever Regulus has concocted in that mind of his, so it will be up to Barty himself to think of ways to make the humans miserable on the smaller levels.
Sirius spends a large portion of the rest of the game trying to talk to Barty, trying to get to know him. Barty starts shortening his responses, and the more Sirius seems taken aback by Barty’s lack of interest, the more worried Sirius becomes, the better Barty feels. Evan's going to be so proud.
When they return home after the game Barty goes straight to his room, not bothering to look back at Sirius or give a proper goodnight. He can feel the nervous energy radiating off the Black. When he shuts the door to his bedroom he turns on his radio and holds his back against the door. He waits until he can hear the sound of the other bedroom door closing. Then, he laughs.
***
*Four Days Ago*
“Do not panic. This is all under control.” Evan’s voice tries to come out evenly but the look in his eyes betrays him. Barty can’t tell if Evan is speaking to Barty or trying to reassure himself. At least one of them should be calm in this situation.
“He confessed.” Barty says, “You said that wouldn’t happen under any circumstances. Now what’s your great plan?” Barty can’t help but smile. Everything was going so smoothly until Regulus had to go and screw it all up by deciding to be righteous. He had decided to put his friends' comfort over his own self preservation. Barty knows what the Bad Place is like, intimately, and Regulus has just signed up for a rude awakening to the true terrors of the universe.
What Regulus’ confession did give Barty, was opportunity. He’s been looking for a way to show Evan that he can step out of the box that’s been so carefully crafted for him, and now is his chance. Evan will be so concerned with trying to clean this mess up, he won’t have any time to get more individual torture running, and that is where Barty comes in.
Evan glares at him, “Go back to your house and make sure they are not speaking. If Sirius is not home, find him. Isolate them. I do not care what you do but get out of here and make sure they are not ruining this further.”
Barty raises an eyebrow, Evan hasn’t spoken to him like this in weeks, he’s kind of missed it. “And what are you going to do about Remus?”
Evan scoffs, “I could not possibly care less. He will come back online soon enough. I am sure one of those imbeciles shut him down but if any of them have a brain cell left after all of this, they will do anything they can to keep me from finding out who. Now leave!”
Barty rolls his eyes and leaves the office. He enjoys the walk home, crisp air, the sun only slightly beating down. He uses this time to think through ideas of what to say when he sees Sirius. One thing he knows for sure is that there’s no way he’s going to try and separate Sirius from James and Regulus. Oh no, he’s got much better plans.
When Barty walks into his house he hears a shower running in the distance. He ignores it and makes quick work of making a cup of coffee, torturing people becomes exhausting after a time, and after trying to figure out what to do now that Regulus admitted he doesn’t belong, he’s practically working overtime.
It’s not long before Sirius comes down. Barty does his best to look upset, staring down at his long forgotten cup of coffee, a feigned sadness in his eyes. Sirius breaks faster than he expects, “How are you holding up?” He asks.
Barty taps the side of his cup and puts on his best fake laugh, “Do you really care?” He knows Sirius doesn’t, and he knows it hurts Sirius to be reminded of that. Poor sweet Barty, always being left behind in the dust for Sirius’ other friends.
Unsurprisingly, Sirius takes a seat next to him, “I know things haven’t been the best the last couple of days but you can talk to me about it. I may understand what you’re going through.”
He scoffs before responding, “You understand finding out your best friend was wrongly put in the Good Place and deceived you for weeks into thinking he cared about you?”
Sirius bites his lip and thinks carefully before speaking. Point Barty. “I may not know exactly what that’s like, but Regulus was my friend too.” Sirius says, “Look, I spent the night over there talking everything over with Reggie. He knows what he did was wrong but he was doing what he could to get by.”
“He obviously wasn’t trying very hard if he’s the reason for all of the chaos.” Barty bites out, “You know I was chased for hours by those fucking birds on the second day here? I was almost knocked unconscious by the trash that rained from the sky and I nearly fell into the sinkhole! This is supposed to be a place of paradise, serene and calm, and he has made it everything but that. I can’t even imagine what James is going through right now, learning his soulmate is some—some deviant.”
Stuttering, nice work. Did any of those things actually happen to Barty? He did get chased by the ravens. That part was true, but the rest is just to make it cut a little deeper. Let Sirius know that he’s not safe if Barty ever ‘Finds out’ about him. Oh how heartbroken Barty would be if he was ever in James’ position! Finding out your soulmate doesn’t actually belong here must be so terrible! Yeah, that one was good.
“He didn’t intend for any of this to happen,” Sirius says, and he sounds tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of pretending. Probably a mix of everything. Barty knows this conversation is coming to an end. It’s time for one last blow, something to really seal the deal on what he ‘thinks’ about all of this.
“But it did. It happened and it was terrible. Now he’s going to suffer the consequences of those actions.” Barty looks down at his coffee. He hopes Sirius feels all the pain he deserves. “If you’re just going to sit here and defend him, you should just go. You seem to always be everywhere except with me so why change that now?”
Sirius leaves and Barty feels a sense of pride well up inside of him. He’s been getting quite good at this. Now he just has to wait for Regulus to show up and let the cycle continue. Evan may have wanted him to keep the brothers apart but this way was far more fun for Barty. The whole point of this experiment is to make the three humans feel miserable the entire time. Really, Barty’s just doing his job, and he’s doing it well. Evan will realize that eventually.
It’s hours later when Regulus shows up, and Barty lets his words burn into Regulus’ mind. He tells Regulus how he wants to dance on his grave. How he hopes he experiences all of the torments the Bad Place has to offer because he’s just so hurt at being deceived! Regulus looks heartbroken the entire time, and Barty relishes in it. He did that. He was able to cause all of that pain. He's winning.
As soon as Regulus goes, he laughs. There is no one around and he lets the sound fill the air. Regulus will be sent off with the memories of Barty’s hatred for him and there is nothing sweeter.
Another hour later, Evan is calling Barty’s home holographic screen. Barty answers and is appalled by what he hears. Evan is bringing in backup. He’s calling for Dorcas of all people to come in and save them for a bit. She’s going to be acting as the person who was supposed to be sent here instead of Regulus. Evan will tell Avery that Regulus is staying. Everyone will regroup tonight.
No. No. No! Barty pushed them all away. He did it to torture them. He did it so they would feel pain! If Dorcas is coming in to save the day he can’t continue his act from a distance. He has to fix this before Evan finds out what he did. He won’t be pushed to the sidelines, not this time.
He runs, sprints actually, to the train station which some idiot put all the way across the neighborhood. The second he sees Regulus he throws himself into his friend’s arms and holds on tightly. He goes on about how he realized that he would have done the same thing in Regulus’ position, and of course I forgive you!
As far as Barty’s concerned, he’s Evan’s right-hand man. When Dorcas steps off the train, he does his best to look shocked. He opens his eyes wide and hitches his breath. He won’t lose his position here. Dorcas may try and wiggle her way in. Let her play her part and have her time in the spotlight, but call it what it is, her fifteen minutes of fame. Barty is the top curator of pain and suffering around here, and he will get what he is owed. No one will take that from him.
***
*Three Days Ago*
Barty turns on his radio, allowing the sound of violas and harps to overtake the room. He doesn’t bother to change out of his clothes, but removes his shoes. He turns off the light of his bedroom, and sits on the floor with his back against the door. He’s not sure what he’s waiting for, but if history has told him anything, Regulus will be arriving to speak with James at any moment.
It’s longer than Barty expects but in time, Regulus does arrive. He hears the footsteps making their way through the hallway. A soft rhythmic tapping against the wooden floors. He hears a door open and then close. As quietly as he can, he stands and leaves his room, pressing one hand against the door and the other on the twisted knob to shut it soundlessly.
There are small cracks underneath the bedroom doors that allow light to seep through. James’ room is enshroud in darkness but there is a clear light emitting from Sirius’. Barty leans in close against the door, trying to hear the words being exchanged.
“It’s fine. He always plays that classical shit while he’s asleep.” Sirius says. Barty holds in his scoff. He really has trained Sirius well.
“That doesn’t mean he won’t wake up dumbass.” Regulus responds. He really seems to be the only one with more than one brain cell between the three humans.
“Jeez Reggie. He’ll turn it off if he wakes up. He’s very predictable like that.” There is a pause in Sirius’ words. Barty for a moment thinks that maybe their conversation is over with and he should return to his room before he’s caught, but Sirius never does know when to shut up. “I think that you didn’t come here to see James.”
Regulus sighs, “Sirius-”
“No, I think you wanted to talk to someone who understands your position to an extent.” Sirius’ voice moves loudly through the wood of the door straight in Barty’s ears.
“Sirius.” Regulus hisses. “I really think you should—”
“Should I tell you about how I can relate to not belonging here? I know you haven’t forgotten and you’re hanging it over my head, threatening to tell Evan and all that, but to be frank, I don’t think you’re going to.”
“I really think you should shut up.” Regulus harshly whispers. There is a sound of movement but one Barty can’t detect. He presses his ear closer to the door, trying to identify what’s happening.
“No, I think this is something we should definitely be talking about.” Sirius says as he whips the door open.
Barty is quick to rearrange himself from curiosity and shock, to anger. Regulus and Sirius look back at him with horror in their eyes. Barty says the first thing that comes to mind, “It’s rude to stare.”
Barty is quick to lay into both of the brothers. He yells about how they never trust him with their secrets, always hiding things from him. He makes them feel awful with every word he spews and he makes his anger clear on his face. He unleashes everything he's had pent up for days towards everyone. By the time he’s done, he’s being begged to not go to Evan, to hold out for just a little bit longer. He makes no promises, he’ll have to talk to Evan about what to do next. He was never supposed to ‘find out’ about Sirius not belonging, not like this.
Regulus drags him to his bedroom, and tries to calm him down. He tells Barty that they never meant to harm him by keeping secrets from him, that he truly and really cares about Barty, and that’s why he was never told. They were trying to protect him. Barty does his best to keep his composure as he watches Regulus fumble over his words through duress.
***
*One Day Ago*
Barty is raging. He brought up the idea to Regulus to try and earn his spot in the Good Place by way of the point system. If this entire situation were real, he would have thought it was a perfect idea to sway some all-knowing Judge, that Barty has just been made aware of is actually Evan’s boss and mentor Albus. Evan told Barty that it was a cop out, it would be too easy for Regulus and wouldn’t cause him enough stress and torment, that it was a bad idea. Personally, Barty thinks it would have caused Regulus plenty of anxiety to watch as a small ticker never went up.
He walks around the neighborhood with Regulus now, wondering where he went so wrong with Evan. All of a sudden Regulus says, “I need to talk with Sirius for a bit.”
Barty perks up, he could ease his own stress by doing something to Sirius. “Great. Let’s go.” He says as he starts to walk towards their homes. Regulus grabs onto his hand and turns Barty around.
Regulus tells him, “I need to speak with him alone. It has nothing to do with your idea. I just need to talk to someone who understands what I’m going through.”
Of course that’s why Regulus thinks Barty is upset. Barty just wants one thing to go right. He already has Evan telling him that his ideas are bad, on top of the fact that Dorcas is still here, winning the hearts and souls of the humans, making them think she cares about them. It’s disgusting. That’s supposed to be Barty’s job. He’s the one who should be connecting with them, offering them ill advice and telling them how terrible they are and how they’ll never win this case.
“Understands you?” Barty hisses out. “He doesn’t understand you. He’s hiding away while you take the fall for everything. He may have the same status as you sure but he does not understand you.” Barty grips onto Regulus’ arm, “He has James and Remus and you all protecting him from suffering the same fate as you. As long as Evan thinks he belongs here he will never understand you.”
“And what? You do?” Regulus snaps.
“Yes!” Barty yells, and instantly regrets the words. He let his mind get too muddled. He spoke before thinking. The next thing he needs is Regulus thinking Barty is aware he doesn’t belong in the Good Place either. For fucksake he can’t get anything right today.
“What are you talking about?” Regulus asks in a whisper. Barty lets go of Regulus' arm. He takes one look at their surroundings and storms off without another word. It’s better to be away from the humans for a bit until he can get his mouth under control. He needs to steal himself away and refocus his energy on the real problem, Evan.
Barty storms into the office where Evan sits idly behind his desk. His face quickly darts down into the papers in front of him, but when he sees it’s just Barty that’s come to ruin his day, he looks back up with a roll of his eyes. “Bee, I already told you why I said no.”
Barty slumps down into the chair across from Evan. “I still think it could work if you gave me the chance.” He picks at his fingernails as he talks, “But I’m not here about that.” Evan raises an eyebrow and then gestures for him to continue, “I don’t think this is working out how you planned it to at all. Why should I continue to put my energy towards torturing these humans if it’s all going to end when your boss shows up?” Barty raises an eyebrow.
“What are you talking about?” Evan asks exasperated.
“I’m saying, I don’t think you have it in you to make this all work.” Barty explains, “What are you going to do? Either Albus says that they can stay, and then they think they’re all safe, which ruins half the point of this place, or he says they have to go to the Bad Place, and we both know they can’t be sent there. Either way, your little experiment is done for.” He’s never spoken so boldly to Evan before, but Barty finds he quite likes the way Evan’s mouth twitches into a snarl.
Evan seems to consider this point for a moment. He leans back in his chair with his arms crossed, examining Barty over. “What if I sweeten the deal for you?”
Now that peaks Barty’s interest. He had only really come in here with the thoughts that if he couldn’t torture the humans at the moment, being a thorn in Evan’s side was a close enough second option. “And how would you do that?” Barty asks.
“If you continue on as you have been,” Evan says with a cool voice, “torturing them properly, in the ways in which I have instructed, I will erase your memories.”
Barty leans forward, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped. “Why would I want that? The whole point of me being here is that you have a human perspective on things.”
“Yes, but I do not have to erase all of your memories,” Evan’s mouth contorts into a cruel smirk, “I could get rid of only the ones that hurt you the most. The ones of your mother dying, and father perhaps?” He pauses to let the words sink in, “Maybe even the ones of Bertha Jorkins?”
Barty jerks out of the chair and leans over the desk, getting as close to Evan’s face as possible with the barrier between them. “All of it. I want all of those people gone. Not a single memory of them or of what I saw down there.”
Evan holds out a hand between the two bodies, “I believe we can arrange that.” He says. Barty looks down at the hand, and slowly grabs onto it with his own, clasping it firmly and giving it a single shake before letting go. They're close. They're so close. Just a few inches separate their mouths. He can feel Evan's breath on his skin. It wouldn't take much to lean in, closing that distance.
“Glad that we see eye to eye once more Bee.” Evan shuffles through the papers on his desk, and when he looks up to see Barty still standing there he says, “Now go fulfill your end of the bargain. I will even let you do as you see fit for it. No instructions on how to get it done. Just do it.”
Barty gives a small smile, looking Evan over once more before leaving the room. He’s got plenty of ideas already forming. He could go to Regulus and plead again to have him follow his points idea. He could try and catch Remus and Sirius in the act. He could go to James and throw himself at the man again. He’ll shift from one mood to the other, keeping them all on their toes, unsure of how he’ll react next. He’ll make them think he’s crazy, that he’s gone mad. Maybe he already has.
***
*Present Day, A Few Hours Ago*
“Are we just supposed to call you the Judge this whole time?” Barty asks from his corner of the office. He’s had enough slip ups lately and he doesn’t want to risk anymore by calling ‘the Judge’ Albus on accident. It would give away too much about what he knows and he's all already skating on a thin line.
“Bartemius Crouch Junior.” Albus says with a tilt of his head, examining Barty over. It’s the first time Barty has seen Albus in person and vice versa. “Although I understand you are fearful for your friends, I expect more respect in our coming moments together. There is a lot at stake here, is there not?”
There’s plenty at stake. More for Barty than anyone else. Regulus, James and Sirius are all oblivious to their surroundings and what’s to come. If things are done right, they will continue to live in blissful ignorance of everything that’s going on. They’ll never have to experience the real tortures the universe has to offer, but Barty can try his best to give them a taste. Barty looks directly at the Judge, letting it be known that he’s still on their side, “I am perfectly aware of what’s at stake here.”
Albus then asks if any of them know where Sirius and Regulus have run off to, and if they know why Sirius left too. Barty can’t help himself. He knows exactly what would piss James off the most right now, knowing that his precious friend’s secrets aren’t safe. Barty is quick to speak up, saying that they’re brothers, and Sirius doesn’t belong either. James squirms in his chair and Barty can’t help but feel a sense of pride at the impact he can make with a few simple words.
Evan puts on a convincing performance of pretending to not know about Sirius’ real status. Barty looks to Evan in admiration, he can only hope to be that good one day. The architect is truly a master of the craft, and Barty has so much left to learn.
***
“Calm down. This isn’t the time.” Dorcas says.
The words ring through Barty. Who is Dorcas to come in here and steal the spotlight away from him? She’s played her role of caring friend all too well and has already gained the trust and favour of the humans. It’s disgusting, despicable. The words tumble out of Barty’s mouth before he can think them through, “Your argument failed us right from the start so I don’t think you have any room to talk. He’s already made up his mind so I don’t see why we have to keep on with this. Regulus is guilty and he’s being sent away. But wait, oh that’s right, no one even knows where he is! Why don’t we focus on that first before we go pointing fingers on who to blame for why we’re all here in the first place?”
The words are a cumulation of everything he’s feeling without any of the actual meaning. Dorcas gaining praise from Evan that Barty should be the one to have. Regulus having disappeared right at the moment when Barty was going to pull out some sap story about how he was in love with the man and didn’t want to see him go. It would have been perfect. Regulus had to go and ruin it all by leaving and now Dorcas gets to steal the show.
“It sounds as though you are speaking against him.” Albus says calmly, as if he almost expected this. That only infuriates Barty further. Albus doesn’t know him, he only knows what’s in a file. Barty is more than words on a page, he can still surprise those he’s supposed to be subordinate to.
He crosses his arms over his chest, “Maybe I am.” He doesn’t expect James to leap up from his chair and grab Barty by the front of his shirt, reeling his arm back as if ready to punch. They’re face to face, and Barty’s mind is quick, it thinks of the perfect thing to say. “Wanted another kiss that bad?”
James throws him back on the ground. Barty wants to turn to Evan, to see if he’s proud of the way Barty was able to make James act so out of character, but he turns to Albus instead. He claims that he’s not speaking against Regulus, that he’s just angry. He hopes James is confused and lost as to what's going on. Torturing just one human isn’t as fun as if all three of them were here but it has its own merits.
Then James speaks. He gives his piece as to how wonderful of a person Regulus is. All of the struggles Regulus had to endure in his life and how much he’s grown. Yada-yada. James knows nothing of torment. He knows nothing of pain. Barty is the only one who knows, but he hopes to bring James into the light soon enough, to show him what it really means to suffer.
Unfortunately, Albus has to ruin everything by saying James and Barty will be sent away to the Bad Place if Sirius and Regulus don’t return. The cogs in Barty’s mind begin to turn. Does Albus actually mean it? Is the deal null and void if the Black brothers don’t come back? His outrage at the idea overrules any sensible thoughts he can have. “This is bullshit!” He yells as he gets closer to Albus’ face. “We didn’t do anything! Why would we be sent away?”
Albus starts talking but Barty’s ears are ringing with all of the rage living inside of him. He’s supposed to be safe. He's supposed to be safe. He ignores whatever words are spewing from the demon’s mouth. Barty goes over to Evan and drags him out of the room. “What the fuck was that?” Barty asks as soon as they’re on the other side of the door.
“Bee, you need to calm down.” Evan says in a gentler voice than Barty is use to. It makes Barty take pause. Evan uses that moment to keep speaking, “Your deal is still intact. We believe only Sirius will return, at least for now.” He grabs Barty by the arms and gives him a small shake, “This is all part of the fun, changing things up as we go.”
“Evan this is all falling apart.” Barty says. “I’m your human consultant right? Well I’m here to tell you that I don’t think they’re coming back. I wouldn’t. They don’t even like me right now so why would they care if I’m being sent away?”
“It will all work out.” Evan tries to reassure him. “Nothing is going to happen to you as long as I am in charge of this experiment.” The words should offer Barty some kind of comfort, a knowledge that as long as he’s with Evan he’s protected but he knows better. There’s no way the Black brothers are coming back.
They go back into the office together. Barty marches right over to Albus and says “This is still bullshit and you know it.”
James mumbles something from across the room but Barty doesn’t bother to listen. His eyes stay trained on the man before him. “I thought we agreed to respect one another.” Albus says, unflinching despite Barty’s proximity, “Do not forget what is at stake.”
“How could I?” Barty feels the words bury inside of him, “You won’t let me forget.” That’s what’s at stake now. He doesn’t care about the tortures anymore, doesn’t care about the pain that may await him. If he can’t keep this up, if he can’t convince the humans that he’s with them, he’ll never be able to forget. His mother and father will torment him for all time, and when he closes his eyes at night the last image that will cross through his mind will be of the gun aimed at his head.
***
*Present Day, Present Time*
Barty looks out to the panic that flows through Regulus, Sirius and James. He feels a smile creep across his face, a smirk, an enjoyment of all that lays before him. He would think that after being tortured himself he would take no pleasure in watching it happen to others, but in his short time here he’s seen the thrill of it. The small ways a person flinches, their eyes widen, the heart palpitates. The larger schemes, the concept behind the very neighborhood they stand in sends just as much of a thrill down his spine as what he is able to do with just a few small words.
The fear from the others is palpable. He can taste it on his tongue and a part of him wants to reach out and lick the air, to take it all in, to see if it’s just as sweet. Mad. He's gone absolutely mad.
Now that they know the truth, Barty isn’t sure what will happen to him. He’ll probably be sent back to the Bad Place, stowed away in the basements with another feral demon on the other side of the glass. This time around, as long as he forgets those three simple memories, he thinks he’ll enjoy it. He’ll be in pain sure but he thinks of the ideas, the kind of ideas he could gain from what others think to hand to him. He hopes Evan decides to try again later on down the line, that he takes Barty with him once again, because Barty’s mind is reeling with all of the possibilities. Maybe he can pose them to Evan before they’re all sent away.
Barty’s eyes wander over to Evan, a smirk playing on the man’s lips and Barty wants to reach over, grab Evan by the throat and kiss him in honor of what he has created, smother him with the devotion he deserves for the way his mind works. In such a short time he's shown Barty the pleasures of causing the unpleasurable.
James’ eyes jet back and forth between Barty and Evan. “This is the Bad Place?” The answer is clear, written on the faces of both Evan and Barty. Barty walks over beside Evan, two demons against the three humans.
“Yes James.” Evan says. “This is indeed the Bad Place.”
“I don’t—” James looks around at everyone in the room, trying to make sense of it all. “I don’t understand.”
“We were torturing each other.” Regulus chimes in. “Since we got here, nothing has gone right. I was living next to my brother who didn’t recognize me. I made my being here your problem. Once you became friends with Sirius you had to live with both of those secrets because you couldn’t tell us about each other. Something was up with Sirius’ memory so he couldn’t remember his childhood or of me. Sirius watching his best friend be in a ‘happy relationship’ was awful while he was partnered with a soulmate he hated. And then Evan and Barty drove us all crazy in their own ways.”
Barty shrugs, “I did what I could. I’ve got to say though, I still can’t believe you let me kiss you James. I really thought for a second we were going to fuck until you pulled away at the last moment.”
Evan turns to Barty with a glare, “You did what.”
Barty waves dismissively, “It was all part of the fun. I got him really riled up for a while, and then I was able to use that on Regulus too since he’s in love with James.”
“You love me?” James turns to Regulus and asks with wide eyes. “You told Barty that you love me but not me?”
Regulus closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in frustration. “This is clearly not the time James.”
“Oh I think this is the perfect time actually.” James tries to walk closer to Regulus but Regulus puts an arm out, stopping the other man in his tracks. James gives one nod of his head. “Later then.”
Sirius, noticeably keeping a distance between himself and Remus, is the next one to speak up. “So are we the only three humans in the neighborhood?”
Evan rolls his eyes. “Idiot, do you pay attention to anything? Barty is a human too.”
Barty scoffs, “Don’t remind me. I'd prefer to not be associated with them.”
Evan gives Barty a side eyed look and then continues, “Barty is my human consultant. He helps me get into the minds of humans when I have trouble understanding them. He has been a great help. Everyone else though? Demon as far as the eye can see. Dorcas and Peter too, wherever they ran off to.”
“And Remus?” Sirius asks tentatively.
“No,” Evan sighs, “I stole Remus from the Good Place AIA warehouse. He helps sell the authenticity of this place. This whole neighborhood was an experiment to see if humans could be made to psychologically torture one another for five hundred years. I must say, it was going fairly well until you,” He looks to Regulus, “had to go and screw everything up.”
“Me?” Regulus asks aghast, “What the hell did I do?”
“Everything was going according to plan.” Evan explains. “You were taking James’ lessons as I expected you would but then they actually started working. Days went by without you causing any chaos to the neighborhood. I was not willing to risk you turning over a new leaf. I asked for your help to try and torture you a bit and all of a sudden you aimed to try and save Sirius. When I called James out in front of the entire neighborhood, one of you shut down Remus. It all fell apart from there. You confessed, which I must say is something I never expected you to do.”
Barty watches as understanding crosses the human’s faces. All of the pieces slowly coming together to form the picture that he’s had access to the entire time. “What about James?” Regulus asks. “I know why Sirius and I are here but he’s a good person. He helped us through everything.”
Evan turns to look at James directly, “Although some people think loyalty is a great attribute to have, it is possible to have far too much of it. You were not even aware of one of your best friends falling apart at the seams because you were so determined to stay by his side no matter what. It killed you James both metaphorically and literally.”
James whispers a name under his breath, something like Dian, from what Barty can hear. Evan nods his head. Barty looks to Evan and asks the question he’s been dreading, “What now Ev?”
Evan nods his head towards Albus, “We need to speak with the boss on what to do next. I do think step one will be to erase your memories of course. Sir, if we may?” He gestures to the door that leads out of the office. Albus stands from his chair and leads the way as Evan and Barty follow. Evan makes sure to speak first. “I am aware of what our deal was, five hundred years. As we have mentioned multiple times however, this is an experiment, and it was bound to have faults the first time around. I am asking for one more chance to do this properly. Just one more.”
“And what would you change?” Albus asks, eyes narrowed down on Evan. Barty tries his best to not take an instinctive step backwards. He remains by Evan’s side through the scrutiny. “How would you ensure that this does not happen again?”
“I have been thinking about where I went wrong.” Evan admits, “I believe having Regulus and James paired up together from the beginning allowed for them to form a bond much faster than I initially anticipated. We will start from there. One more chance, that is all I am asking.”
Albus runs his fingers through his beard, considering. “And for the consultant?” Albus looks towards Barty. He stands up straighter, letting his presence be known. He is part of this conversation so he has to have some sway over what’s to come.
“I would like for him to keep his memories of this attempt.” Evan says, “He can use what we learned here as a starting point for round two.”
Albus nods his head slowly. “I will allow it.” Evan begins to smile but Albus is quick to shut him down, “Do not mistake my courtesy here for belief. I have lost hope in this experiment but the resources have already been spent. You will have one more chance, and then after that, there will be no more. You will return to your apprenticeship, if I even allow that much.”
Evan quickly nods his head in understanding, “Yes, Sir. We will have a much better go at it this time around I assure you. My lesson has been learned.”
“Very well then.” Albus says, before turning and leaving the building without another word.
“Do you really think it will work?” Barty asks once they’re alone.
“I think you and I can make it happen.” Evan says with a smirk. You and I. Together. They'll be doing this together. Barty doesn’t hold himself back. He grabs Evan by the back of the neck and brings his mouth to his own. He kisses him hard and deep. He walks them backwards and finally he has Evan pinned to a wall where he belongs, like a shrine to an old god. Evan kisses him back just as fiercely.
Barty licks at Evan’s lower lip, and when Evan refuses to open himself up, Barty bites down hard. The gasp that leaves Evan’s mouth is just enough for Barty to get his tongue inside. Evan grabs at both sides of Barty’s face, pulling him in closer. It’s rough and messy, spit covers their mouths. Barty licks around the inside of Evan, outlining the inner workings of his mouth. It’s unlike anything he’s ever known before and better than anything he could hope to experience.
Evan pulls away first, gasping for breath. Barty uses the opportunity to begin working on his neck, finding small spots to bite into. He doesn’t want to stop. Evan is a drug that has been dangling in front of him for weeks, and now that he’s had a taste he refuses to quit. “We’ve got to go back in there.” Evan says through a small moan, fingers clutched deep into Barty’s hair.
“Are you sure?” Barty asks as he soothes his latest bite with a flick of his tongue. “You seem to be enjoying yourself.”
“Unfortunately yes.” Evan says, disappointment clear in his voice. “We’ve—We have to reset their memories.”
Barty pulls away, releasing his hold on the demon pinned to the wall. He smirks as he looks over how disarrayed he’s able to make Evan within just a few moments. “Let’s go make some misery together, shall we?”
~*~
“What are we going to do?” Sirius whines as he paces around the room. If he would just give Regulus a moment to fucking think maybe he’d have an answer. The second Barty and Evan left with the Judge—who is apparently not a judge but another demon—Sirius began to panic instead of trying to come up with a single productive idea.
“If you would shut up for one second.” Regulus snaps. He looks over to James who stands frozen, a perfect contrast to Sirius’ erratic movements. “James?” Regulus brings his hands up to James’ cheeks, he tries to hold his hands, anything to bring him back. “Come back to me James. We need you here right now.”
James blinks. It seems to take a moment for him to remember where he is and what’s going on. Regulus wants to feel calmed by it but his own panic is rising in his chest. “Reg, what are we going to do?”
Regulus looks to James sadly, “I was really hoping you’d have an idea.”
“That’s why my memories were fogged over, so I couldn't recognize Regulus.” He hears Sirius mutter to himself.
“We’re going to lose our memories Reg,” James says, and Regulus can see the fight and hope has already left him. “We’re not going to know anything about this place. We’re going to meet all over again and they’re going to have us torture each other. I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”
That sparks an idea in Regulus’ mind. “Remus come here.” Reluctantly, Regulus leaves James' side and turns to Remus, “You remembered Mary McDonald right? Even though you hadn’t seen her in ten years. You didn’t know her at first, but eventually you remembered some bits?”
Remus nods his head slowly, “It’s all still really fuzzy but I know that I did meet her before we all went to her house.”
“Perfect.” Regulus says. He runs around the room and collects what he needs. A single piece of paper from a disarrayed stack, and a pen from Evan’s desk. “What would I want to hear?” He mumbles to himself. “Think. Think.” It comes to him. He scribbles the words down on the paper and hands it over to Remus. “When you remember, give this back to me. I probably won’t know who you are but I’m counting on you to remember.”
Remus gives a small nod, “I’ll try my best.”
Evan and Barty come back into the room alone, no Albus to follow in their wake. Evan claps his hands together. “Wonderful, glad to see none of you tried to run away. That should make this much easier. Now, I am not about to explain what is about to happen, because there would be no point. You know what they say, try again, fail again, fail better. Now, say goodbye to your memories.”
Evan snaps his fingers, and everything goes white.
***
Regulus Arcturus Black awakes on the left side of a soft white couch. There is a coffee table in front of him that reaches to just below his knees. A faint smell of lavender travels through the air. He feels as though he was always meant to end up here, in this room, waiting. Waiting. Waiting…for what?
Notes:
How are we feeling?? What do we think?
I love the insights into what Barty's been up to this whole time and his mental deterioration throughout
Regulus wrote himself a little note 👀 wonder what that says 👀Part 1 has officially come to a close
Thank you to everyone who has left comments, kudos, has subscribed, and bookmarked this fic, even if you've just casually been reading it I can't express how much I appreciate all of the support ❤️ ❤️ This whole things been living in my head for so long now and it feels amazing to finally have put it onto the page and put it out into the world. I can't believe we've finally finished the first part 😭
I hope you continue with me on this little journey and into Part 2