Chapter 1: the purest expression of grief
Summary:
Sam comes bearing news.
Chapter title from Foreigner's God by Hozier
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Still, my heart is heavy
With the hate of some other man's beliefs
Always a well-dressed fraud
Who wouldn't spare the rod
Never for me
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
The purest expression of grief
Wonderin' who I copy
Musterin' some tender charm
She feels no control of her body
She feels no safety in my arms
I've no language left to say it
But all I do is quake to her
Breakin' if I try conveying
The broken love I make to her
All that I've been taught
And every word I've got
Is foreign to me
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
Screamin' the name of a foreigner's God
The purest expression of grief
-Hozier; Foreigner’s God
-`✮´-
One could easily assume that when in the void, Bucky Barnes’ worst memory to relive would be from his time as the Winter Soldier. You would be wrong. The worst memory for James Barnes to relive was losing Steve.
He’d just lost five more years of his seemingly endless life. Natasha was dead. Tony was dead. They’d figured out time travel while he’d been gone. They’d beaten Thanos. Finally.
He’d just barely begun adjusting to a new normal again. And then- he lost Steve.
Steve, who’d been with him every moment that he could since they were kids. Steve who’d been the catalyst for Bucky breaking free of the Winter Soldier programming. Steve who was the love of Bucky’s life.
“Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back.”
‘How could I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”
He’d smiled at Bucky. He’d promised to return. And then… nothing. Something went wrong. Obviously. Steve never re-appeared. Steve never came back. He’d promised. He’d promised and he’d never come back. They’d found his shield later, left on the coffee table in his apartment with his journal and a note. If something went wrong, if he didn’t return for some reason, Steve had left very clear instructions. Sam was to take up the mantle as Captain America. Bucky was to try and find peace somehow. Easier said than done.
He did his best.
He went to therapy. He journaled. He tried to atone for his past. He went on missions with Sam. He became a congressman. He adopted the needy white kitten he found in the street. He did his best. It never felt like enough.
It’d been years now. He’d had to accept that Steve isn’t coming back . It never stopped feeling like he was being stabbed when he remembered. It never got easier. It hurt more than any torture Bucky had experienced in his long, long life.
That was what he saw, in the void. Steve leaving him for the last time. Steve leaving him behind again. Steve leaving and never, never coming back. Over and over. Steve left him and it restarted. Bucky did not break in front of the newly dubbed “Thunderbolts”. He did not. He waited until he got back to his apartment that evening. Then he broke.
When James Buchanan Barnes arrived at his Brooklyn apartment that evening he stripped off his grime soaked clothes, removed his prosthetic arm, stepped into the shower, and sobbed. He sobbed until he felt raw, and then he sobbed some more. Eventually, he crawled into bed and slept for twenty-seven straight hours. Man was he glad for that fancy automatic feeder he’d bought for the cat. He probably would’ve slept longer if he hadn’t been awoken by a knock on his front door at seven in the morning. Bucky groaned, rubbed his hand across his face, and sat up. He pulled on the first ratty t-shirt he could reach and shuffled groggily towards his front door. He peered through the peephole and saw a familiar face staring back at him.
“Sam.” Bucky breathed, opening the door. Sam stepped into the apartment, carrying a duffel bag and the round bag that Bucky knew held the shield slung over his shoulder.
“Hey Buck.” Sam set his bags next to the kitchen island and turned back to Bucky. “How’re you holding up?” Bucky only sighed and shook his head in response. He wandered over to the fridge and pulled a leftover pizza box from it. He set it on the counter and set about consuming a slice. Sam pulled a tablet from his bag and sat down at one of the stools along the island across from Bucky, where he began tapping away. They sat in silence like that for a while.
“Look man.” Sam began. Bucky glanced up at him. “Bruce’s satellites picked something up.”
Bucky dropped the slice of pizza.
After Steve had failed to return, Bruce had set up some old Stark satellites to detect any anomalies that could have given them even the slightest clue what had happened to Steve. They’d never picked anything up. Until now. Apparently.
“You’re sure?” Bucky asked, barely more than a whisper.
‘I’m sure.” Was Sam's reply. The ex-assassin sucked in a breath before turning and sinking down to sit on the floor, back resting against the island. Alpine rounded a corner and crawled into the super-soldier’s lap, a comforting weight. She was helpful for grounding himself. Sam rounded the island and sat down next to him, tablet in hand. He passed it to Bucky.
“I don’t want to get your hopes up but.. Maybe this is what you need? Maybe we can find some closure.”
Bucky nods, peering at the map on the screen. “When do we leave?” He inquires. Sam looks him up and down.
“Go shower and shave while I get a Quinjet set up.” He stands and helps Bucky to his feet. Alpine saunters away, annoyed to lose her favorite seat. Bucky nods at his friend and heads off to the bathroom in his apartment, feeling hopeful for the first time in so, so long.
Notes:
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Chapter 2: and lord, she found me just in time
Summary:
The first reunion of many
Chapter Title from Jackie and Wilson by Hozier
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Soul deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine
For reasons wretched and divine
She blows out of nowhere, a Roman candle of the wild
Laughing her way through my feeble disguise
No other version of me I would rather be tonight
Lord, she found me just in time
'Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done
I need to be youthfully felt 'cause, God, I never fеlt young
She's gonna save me, call mе baby
Run her hands through my hair
She'll know me crazy, soothe me daily
Better yet, she wouldn't care
-Hozier; Jackie and Wilson
-`✮´-
Two hours later Captain America and The Winter Soldier are stepping out of a quinjet piloted by Joaquin Torres and into a field in Rose Hill, Tennessee.
“Redwing,” Commands Sam. “Lead the way.” The drone beeps in response and flies away, leaving the two heroes to catch up. They follow the drone through the field, through a thin line of trees, and into the backyard of a small house. A machine shed stands a few yards away, door open and lights on. A loud clattering sounds from inside and Redwing hovers in the doorway, scanning the inside of the structure with red lights. Then, with a sudden hiss of air, Redwing is shot out of the sky.
“What the hell?” Begins Sam.
“Is that a Potato?” Bucky finishes, squinting at where the projectile has fallen next to the upside-down drone. The heroes sigh in unison and press forward, Bucky following just behind Sam. Everything is quiet for about two seconds, until Sam steps through the doorway and- Splat!
“What the fuck?” Sam jumps back in surprise, turning towards Bucky.
“Are those mashed potatoes?” Bucky huffs, barely suppressing a laugh.
“It works!” The voice of a young girl sounds from inside. “Take that Harley!” There’s the sound of a high five.
“Hell yeah kid.” Says a voice that takes Bucky back in time nearly four years. That should definitely not be possible. He pushes past Sam and steps inside. The inside of the machine shed is surprisingly high tech. Towards the back of the room a blonde teenage girl is crouched over a crude catapult. Sitting on top of the countertop to the left of the girl, back facing him, a familiar black uniform, army green vest pulled over top, and red hair with faded blonde ends pulled into a neat braid down her back.
“Сестра?” Bucky whispers. She twirls around and. Fuck. It’s really her. Natasha Romanov. The girl he’d been forced to help train. The woman he loved like a little sister. He’d raised her and loved her and mourned her and now- here she stands. In the flesh.
“Брат!” She crosses the shed in three strides and then she’s in his arms. They hug each other like they hadn’t seen each other in years. Which. They hadn’t. When they finally stop clinging to each other, Bucky just stares at her. Stunned. Sam steps up next to Bucky, having finally succeeded in wiping the majority of the mashed potatoes from his person and sucks in a breath. He puts a hand on Bucky’s shoulder to steady himself, eyes wide with disbelief. The two men make eye contact and a question flashes between them. There is no need to say it out loud. They both know that the other is thinking it. Is this real?
“Natasha.” Sam breathes, barely audible. “You- you’re- I don’t understand?” And then she says the thing that makes the world come rushing back.
“It was all Steve. He brought me back.”
Sam’s grip on Bucky’s shoulder tightens. Bucky takes a shuddering breath.
“What happened?”
“I think I’d better let him tell you.”
Bucky’s legs nearly fall out from beneath him. Sam’s hand is over his mouth.
“He’s here?” The new Captain America asks. The widow only nods in response before smiling at Bucky, a tiny curl of the corner of her mouth that anyone else would have missed, meant to be comforting.
“Where?”
Natasha turns to the teenage girl who now stands awkwardly a few feet away before speaking again.
“Sam, Bucky, this is Abby Keener. Tony broke into her garage in 2012 and befriended her older brother. I knew we’d be safe here,” Natasha recounts. “Abby, these are my friends Sam Wilson and James Barnes.” Bucky rolls his eyes. Natasha only introduces him as James to get on his nerves. God, he’d missed her.
“I know who they are!” Abby drawls playfully, a hint of a southern accent shaping her words.
“Well then,” Natasha responds playfully to the girl. “I assume it’s alright with you if I take them inside to see our friend then?” Abby sighs in feigned exasperation.
“I suppose.” She replies, drawing out the word in mock annoyance. “If you must.”
“Well, Miss Keener.” Sam begins. “Lead the way.”
Notes:
i've no idea if i'll continue uploading this much in the future but omg yall im having so much fun writing it :3
Say words at me on my tumblr if you're a real one
Comments are my lifeblood
I've done some small edits and formatting changes + deleted the og first chapter(she will be back dw) if anyone notices :3
alrighty bye for now my lovelies
Chapter 3: I know that my life's better when we're together
Summary:
"I thought you were smaller"
or: the fic earns its shrinkyclinks tag
Title from The Man Who Lives Forever by Lord Huron
Notes:
I'm sorry this chapter is baby length but it works best with my plans for next chapter(also i cut the shit out of my finger working on a linocut stamp and don't want to type anymore atm)
tbh i could've probably made this part of chapter two if i wasn't so impatient but alas... impatience is my middle name(that's a lie i am lying to you... my middle name is damien)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
They said life is a tale, it begins and it ends
And forever's a word that we can't understand
Well, I know that my life's better when we're together
So why can't our story just go on forever?
Don't want a long ride
I don't wanna die at all
I wanna be the man who lives forever
I ain't never gonna die and I want you to come
They said life without end wouldn't have any meaning
The journey to death is the point of our being
Well, the point of my life is to be with you, babe
But there ain't enough time in the life that they gave me
They said we're all gonna die, but I'll never believe it
I love this world and I don't wanna leave it
Said that death is a deal that you cannot refuse
But I love you, girl, and I don't wanna lose you
-Lord Huron, The Man Who Lives Forever
-`✮´-
Bucky almost can’t believe it. Steve is here.
Steve, who he’d been so sure had left him for Peggy. Steve, who he’d assumed dead. Steve who he had always and would always love. Steve. His Steve.
Steve is here and… Bucky feels a million emotions, all at once. Relief, of course; but also anger at Steve for leaving him alone. Jealousy that Natasha had been with him when Bucky wasn’t. Anxiety to see the man he’d been yearning for for ages. Regardless, Bucky was first through the door after Abby and- there he was. Steve. Bucky would know the shape of him anywhere. He’s really here. Bucky almost floats. He steps towards the couch where the man lays on his side, facing away from his lover, a blanket draped across his form. Something is different. He rolls over at the sound of the door and his eyes widen at the sight of Bucky.
“Buck?” He breathes, sitting up. He smiles.
‘'I thought you were dead.”
“I thought you were smaller.”
“You’re late.”
Steve reaches down and pulls what might’ve once been a time-space gps from his pocket.
“Couldn’t call my ride.”
Bucky huffs good naturedly and looks away. Steve laughs himself into a coughing fit. Sitting back on the couch, he pulls out an inhaler from somewhere and takes a few puffs. Bucky takes this time to get a good look at Steve. He looks like the pictures in the Smithsonian, the ones of him as a sickly youth, before the super serum. He hunches in a familiar way. The way he used to hunch when his back hurt or when he was particularly focused on a drawing or, more often than not, both. Bucky had thought that he would never again see this version of Steve outside of the fuzzy memories that haunt him. He sees now just how wrong he’d been. Bucky sits down next to the smaller man and leans forward to rest his forehead against Steve’s, smiling back.
“Punk.”
“Jerk.”
They lapse into comfortable silence for a few moments, reveling in the moment. Eventually, Sam clears his throat, breaking the silence. Both start, remembering that the others are there. Steve looks up at Sam. Bucky doesn’t take his eyes off Steve.
“As much as I want to let y’all have your moment,” Sam begins. “I have a few questions.” Steve nods, standing up. Bucky makes a pained noise as the loss of contact and Steve squeezes his hand reassuringly before walking over to Sam. They stare at each other for a moment.
“On your left?” Steve jokes nervously, breaking the tension. Sam hugs him tightly.
“I missed you man.” Sam says simply as he pulls away. “As much as I enjoy the shield, it wasn’t the same without my best friend around.”
“I should probably go hose the mashed potatoes out of the workshop…” Abby says, turning and heading back outside.
There are a few seconds of silence before Bucky addresses the elephant in the room.
“What happened, love?”
Steve sits back down, once again taking Bucky’s hand in his own. Sam sinks into one of the two armchairs that face across the room towards the couch, and Natasha takes the other. Then, Steve begins to spin his tale.
Notes:
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Chapter 4: Did it all for you (Steve's interlude)
Summary:
It's okay to punch Nazis!!
chapter title from Time to Run by Lord Huron
Notes:
so when i said i didn't want to type any more today i didn't technically lie since it's past midnight now
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
I will run, but I know that I'm beat
I decided my fate with my deeds
It's time to run
Well, I hope you understand what I've done
Run away for you
I'm gonna count the days till you make it through
I did it all for you
Well, I hope you live the life you want to
My time is spent
Baby, please don't tell 'em just where I went
I wanted everybody else in the world to know
I wanted everyone to know you're the girl for me
I wanted everybody else in the world to know
But I ain't ever gonna let 'em take my life from me
-Lord Huron, Time to Run
-`✮´-
Steve Rogers’ trip through time was uneventful. Until it wasn’t.
He returned Mjolnir and the reality stone relatively easily, and the time, space and mind stones much the same. The trouble found Steve after he returned the power stone on Morag- or maybe it would be more accurate to say Steve found trouble. And that trouble came in the shape of Natasha Romanoff. You see, she was dead. And Steve was not a fan of her being so. So, logically, the solution was to stop her from dying. Easy, right? Surprisingly… it really was. He returned the soul stone that he already had, then he put his plan into action.
Steve had been planning this for a while. It wasn’t some spur of the moment decision. He’d packed extra pym particles to get Natasha home- just in case. He luckily didn’t have to pack a suit for her since she’d have hers. Then, he headed to Vormir. He arrived a few hours before Nat and Clint would. He spoke with the red skull, which was… weird. He learned the price. He readied himself. He made the trade.
What did Steve Rogers have to trade?
His health for one.
He traded the serum. The serum that had made his life livable. That had saved the world, and more importantly, his loved ones more times than he cared to count. The serum that stopped him from being on the brink of death every other week.
He woke up a foot shorter. He woke up and it was hard to draw breath. He woke up and he held an infinity stone in his hand.
Now all there was left to do was wait.
When they arrived, their fight played out like it was supposed to. The Red Skull couldn’t care less that the stone was no longer his to give- he enjoyed the bloodshed. It was the only entertainment he got, after all. Twisted motherfucker. Man, Steve hated Nazis.
When Nat fell, Steve acted. He used the stone. He made it look like she fell. Sorry Clint, but he couldn’t go changing the events that led to half of the universe's salvation. He used it to knock Clint out, and explained the situation to Natasha. She understood, as he knew she would. He left the stone with the unconscious Clint and they were off.
As they headed down the mountain Steve made one simple mistake. Unused to the size of his body once again, he tripped. He tripped and took a tumble down the steep, rocky slope, effectively breaking his time GPS in the process. Now, this shouldn’t have been a problem had Natasha had hers...
She didn’t.
She’d left it on the ship, not expecting to need it before her return to the jump point.
Goddamn it.
Now came the not-so-easy part. Fixing it.
They did what they could. They boarded the ship and returned to the jump point. Then Steve got to work, tinkering with it, doing his best to whip it back into some semblance of shape. It wasn’t pretty, and it took far longer than either of the two would ever be willing to admit, but eventually they managed to piece the device most of the way back together. After that it was just a leap of faith. Either it worked or not. Either they got home or they didn't. Either way, there was only one way to find out.
-`✮´-
“And hey! It worked! Almost! We overshot by about four years, but we’re here.” Steve smiled, leaning into Bucky’s side. Bucky seems almost drunk in Steve's presence, but everyone in the room knows he’ll be pissed later. Sacrificing his health. What was this idiot thinking?
“Steven Grant Rogers,” Sighs Bucky into Steve’s hair. “You are one stupidly lucky motherfucker.”
“That I am.” Steve replies. “Anyways pal, I hear the wonders of modern medicine are fantastic, and I’ve finally got a need for them. Namely a migraine coming on. Anyone care to enlighten me what it takes to get some painkillers this day in age?”
Sam stands, picking up the shield from where he’d set it on the coffee table. “We’ve got stuff in the jet, come on.” With that, he turns to go.
“You’re leaving?” Asks Abby from the doorway of the workshop as thy cross the yard.
“We’ve got to get shortstack to a doctor.” Natasha informs the teenager. “You have my number. Call me next time you’re up visiting your brother, alright?”
Abby nods in response and the four heroes head towards the Quinjet, exhausted and ready to get home.
Notes:
You guys have no idea how tempted i was to call the time space gps a vortex manipulator in reference to doctor who. i'll shwo my whovian status some other way wait and see
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Going to bed now goodnight lovelies
Chapter 5: Love's the ony thing worth being alive for
Summary:
two overlarge cats and a pool of sunlight whatever will they do
chapter title from How to Rest by The Crane Wives
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Here's the truest thing I've ever known
The heart is just a muscle with a rhythm all its own
It doesn't stop when you decide not to move on
The heart knows nothing of your love or of your loss
So life just keeps on ticking by
Compelled by instinct to survive
And love's the only thing worth being alive for
And love's the only worth being alive for
Those of us who vow never to love again, to love again
Are making liars out of honest men
It's not something that you put to bed
Hang your head and just forget
No, love don't know how to rest
No, love don't know how to rest
It's okay, it's okay
-The Crane Wives, How to Rest
-`✮´-
When he wakes the next day, he is warm. For the first time in several years, he is not alone. For the first time in a long time, James Buchanan Barnes feels well rested. The sun is shining into the room through a gap in the curtains, turning Steve’s hair into spun gold in the afternoon sun. Steve’s hair. Steve. He can still scarcely believe it. Steve is back. All of his secret wishing has paid off. Bucky’s luck has finally taken a turn after seventy-five years of the worst luck of any man alive. Steve is here. Steve is here and Bucky is content to lie in this patch of sunlight like a pair of oversized house-cats forever. He sighs contentedly and props himself onto his right elbow, watching the rise and fall of Steve’s sleeping chest. He goes to reach with his left hand to run his fingers through Steve’s hair and giggles. He’d taken his prosthetic arm off before falling into bed the night before. More than seventy years without a left arm and you’d think he’d stop forgetting by now. You’d be wrong.
Bucky feels lighter than he has in years. Forty-nine hours ago he’d sobbed himself raw missing Steve, believing that he would never again be in the presence of his lover. Twenty-one hours ago Sam had given him hope again. Nineteen hours ago he’d found his Steve again. Fifteen hours ago Steve and Bucky had returned to Bucky’s Brooklyn apartment, and neither of them have been more than five feet from the other since.
At the sound of Bucky’s quiet laugh Steve cracks an eye open and smiles, rolling from his left side onto his back.
“Oh my god I am never doing that again,” Steve groans, placing a hand beneath his lower back. Bucky smiles and leans forward to rest his forehead on his lover's cheek.
“That’s not what you said last night.”
“Oh my god I forgot how insufferable you are.”
Bucky laughs against Steve’s skin before propping himself up to look at Steve. The pair lay there as the minutes pass, watching each other in bliss. Steve adjusts and a piece of his blonde hair flops into his eyes. He blows it out of his eyes goofily, purposefully “accidentally” blowing on Bucky’s face. Bucky flops over at this, giggling into Steve’s chest in a way he hadn’t he hadn’t since before the war, maybe since he was a child. “Oh god, it’s my one weakness, morning breath!”
“You punk!” Steve laughs back, playfully punching Bucky in the shoulder. Bucky fights back happily, pushing his lover off of the bed with practiced ease. This was a game that they used to play before everything. Before the war, before the super serum, before Hydra and SHIELD and the Avengers and time travel and everything else in between.
“That is ableist, that is!” Steve squawks as he climbs back onto the bed. “This is an unfair fight! You’ve got super soldier serum!” Steve huffs as he crawls back towards the now sitting Bucky Barnes.
“I’ll show you an unfair fight.” Bucky says, pulling the blonde into his lap by the front of his shirt and kissing him.
-`✮´-
The next time Bucky wakes up, it is to the sun sinking low in the sky; casting the room in brilliant oranges and reds. He tries to place what had woken him- he’d been dreaming, he knows, though he can’t quite grasp the memories of the dream when he tries. It takes another knock on his front door for him to figure it out. He untangles himself from the still sleeping form of Steve Rogers. Steve grunts at the loss of warmth but makes no move to wake beyond that. Bucky pulls on his discarded boxers and shorts before exiting the bedroom. He picks the vibranium arm up off of the counter and puts it on and then walks to the door. After peering through the peephole and sighing, Bucky reluctantly unlocks the three deadbolts and opens the door to face the woman on the other side.
“What do you want?”
“James, really, is that any way to greet friends?” Valentina asks, pushing past him into the apartment, not bothering about permission or politeness. Alexei follows behind her, smiling widely at Bucky. He smells strongly of vodka and sweat, but he is at least dressed in normal clothes and not that heinous red suit this time. “Winter soldier!” He booms. “Hello comrade!”
“Not so loud Alexei,” Bucky winces. “I just woke up.”
“Really James?” Valentina sighs disappointedly. “It’s nearly eight PM! Gosh, you need my help worse than I thought.” Bucky stares at her where she stands. She has pulled a whisky glass from one of Bucky’s cupboards and is pouring amber liquid from a flask she produced from the pocket of her blazer. Figures. “And!” She begins, taking a large swig straight from the flask and depositing it back into her pocket. “In the spirit of helping, I am here to formally extend to you an invitation to move into the Watchtower.” Something about her tone of voice sets Bucky’s teeth on edge more than her presence usually does.
“Am I allowed to decline that offer?” Bucky asks grumpily, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his flesh hand.
“Nope!” Valentina responds, far too cheerful. “It’s already been publicized! The whole New Avengers team will be moving in, and last I checked, you’re a member.”
“The New Avengers, Buck? Really?” Steve walks past Valentina to rummage through the fridge. He was wearing an old t-shirt of Bucky’s, and it dwarfed his newly small frame. Bucky was pretty sure that the booty shorts he wore beneath actually belonged to Natasha.
“Well it’s not like it was my idea now, was it?” Bucky retorts, reaching over with his left hand to pluck a blueberry out of the container that Steve has pulled from the fridge and set between them on the kitchen island. Valentina looks scandalized but recognition about Steve’s identity eludes her. “Who’s your… friend, James?” She inquires. Steve snorts at the use of Bucky’s first name.
“Yes, I believe introductions are in order, Winter Soldier!” Alexei all but shouts, patting Bucky on the shoulder far harder than necessary. Bucky sighs.
“Valentina Allegra De Fontaine.” Valentina offers, along with a hand to shake, to Steve. Steve glances at Bucky before shaking Valentina’s hand.
“Stevie, Valentina and Alexei. Valentina, Alexei, meet Steve Rogers.”
Valentina drops the glass.
Notes:
I'm back kids! I start summer classes next week which means I will be writing more as a procrastination method so yall are welcome in advance >:)
Cherik is consuming me again do we need this to become an x-men crossover genuine question
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