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it’s been two years, so seonghwa figured it was about time to run into him. he was actually lucky that he made it this long without running into his ex, if he could even call hongjoong that. seonghwa was always more of hongjoong’s secret, anyways.
so, when seonghwa and wooyoung are in the middle of their bi-weekly grocery trip, the oldest isn’t surprised to see none other than kim hongjoong, hand in hand with a beautiful girl. hongjoong is still as stunning as ever, possibly even more so. his hair is longer, he has a new piercing sitting pretty on his left brow bone, and more tattoos running down his tan arms. the girl has long black hair and small but sharp features.
seonghwa pretends not to see them picking up fruits just a few feet away. wooyoung casts a worried glance his way and seonghwa just shrugs. what’s the point in being upset? so he focuses on the cases of strawberries in front of him, trying to look especially interested, hoping that hongjoong won’t say anything. as it happens, luck is never on seonghwa’s side.
“seonghwa?” that nasally voice asks, and it actually sends a shiver down seonghwa’s spine when he hears it. he really doesn’t know what to do other than turn and answer. if wooyoung was here alone, he’d probably cause a scene, which is probably why he can see the younger man walk away from the corner of his eye. seonghwa turns his whole body to face the couple and wills himself to act as normal as possible.
“hongjoong. hey.” seonghwa responds. what else is he supposed to say? he shifts the shopping basket in his left hand to his right, just to give himself something to do. that same right hand is itching to punch hongjoong, anyways.
it’s hard to see the man. there are years upon years of memories with him. memories of firsts, of arguments, of love, and it makes a weird feeling swirl around seonghwa’s chest. seeing the man he used to love in front of him with some girl he knows he isn’t happy with fills his entire body with dread. their last conversation comes to mind when he looks hongjoong in the eyes. there was a lot of shouting and tears, and a loud thud of a slamming door.
“how are you? it’s been a while.” hongjoong asks. the girl next to him looks utterly confused, and seonghwa can only guess that she has never heard the older man’s name before. that doesn’t upset him. how could hongjoong ever explain his past with seonghwa without revealing his deepest secret? after all, that chapter of his life is locked away, and has been for two whole years.
“i’m doing good, and yourself?” seonghwa replies politely, making sure to smile at the girl, who has stayed silent so far. her expression has changed, she’s wearing a bright smile. her teeth are perfectly straight and her lips are full. seonghwa gives her a full once over and admires her very pink outfit that harshly contrasts to hongjoong’s more grunge type of look. she reminds seonghwa a little bit of himself.
“well, thank you. this is sihyeon, my girlfriend.” hongjoong grins like he’s oblivious, like seonghwa’s last words to him never left his mouth. seonghwa’s brain starts to feel a little fuzzy. he can remember that conversation like yesterday, like he’s still yelling across his old apartment’s hallway as hongjoong walks away from him. seonghwa was always the one fighting for the both of them, and hongjoong was always the one walking away. sihyeon just bows with that evergreen smile, a shy blush on her cheeks.
“nice to meet you. i should be going, actually. wooyoung’s waiting on me.”
“i am!” seonghwa has a mini heart attack when wooyoung speaks up from behind him. he’s always been as silent as a cat when he walks, so seonghwa really shouldn’t have been surprised. wooyoung wraps an arm around seonghwa’s waist, which is normal for their dynamic, but hongjoong’s eyes zero in on the action like it’s all he can see. wooyoung drops a pack of noodles into the basket seonghwa is carrying, then takes the basket from his hands altogether.
“wooyoung?” hongjoong asks with gritted teeth, looking wooyoung up and down. seonghwa resists the urge to snort. wooyoung is nothing more than a friend, but hongjoong doesn’t know that. seonghwa just plays along and leans into wooyoung’s side.
“hi, hongjoong.” wooyoung just smiles.
“okay, well, we have to go. nice to see you again, hongjoong. nice to meet you, sihyeon!”
seonghwa smiles at the both of them, then turns around and walks off with wooyoung hanging off of his arm, giggling. wooyoung has always been the one to have his back with everything, even with unserious shit like making his ex boyfriend/situationship jealous. even so, hongjoong had no right to be jealous when he was walking around with a seemingly sweet girl on his arm. though, he knew even if he loved sihyeon, he was still eyeing wooyoung like he wanted to fight him.
“thanks, woo.”
“anytime.”
-
it’s a little late by the time seonghwa and wooyoung get home, but he’s happy to have a quiet night in with his roommate. they alternate cooking for each other, but tonight it’s seonghwa’s turn. he had decided early in the day that he’d make something simple, japchae, since the last night he cooked he made a giant portion of fried chicken that took way too long in his opinion. wooyoung could eat for three people, so seonghwa had to make a good amount.
“hwa?”
“hm?”
wooyoung hesitates for a moment. he always hesitates when he’s unsure he should say what he’s thinking. most of the time, wooyoung doesn’t have a filer, but he has his moments. seonghwa knows he’s going to ask about hongjoong, so he keeps his gaze on the peppers he’s slicing. he doesn’t want to look at wooyoung, he knows the younger man will see right through him. yes, he misses hongjoong. he probably always will. it was surreal to see him again after two years of radio silence, looking even more beautiful, if that was even possible for hongjoong. seonghwa wishes he could get over it, but again, it’s been two years and he’s still in the same place with his feelings. seonghwa is still angry. but, he still loves hongjoong all the same.
they had met through yeosang, wooyoung’s boyfriend. yeosang had introduced them shortly after hongjoong moved from his hometown to seoul to start his career, and he fit in great with their friend group. seonghwa had a little crush on him straight from the start, since the man was always eccentric and loud about his beliefs. they grew together quietly, but hongjoong insisted on keeping their relationship a secret. hongjoong let seonghwa in on all his passions and feelings, shared intensely intimate moments with him, shared every detail of his upbringing with him. yet, he wanted to hide seonghwa.
seonghwa knew hongjoong wasn’t proud of liking men, even though their friend group consisted of queer men. he knew that hongjoong’s parents instilled a certain belief in him since he was old enough to understand the concept of homosexuality. seonghwa was never mad, always patient and understanding, but he knew he might never be able to fully be with hongjoong under their circumstances. eventually, seonghwa was fed up. he loved hongjoong so much and wanted to show it, knowing he could , that their friends would always accept them. but something in hongjoong wouldn’t let him open up.
“it was weird to see him, right?”
“a little. it’s fine. i’m fine, woo. i know you worry, but i promise i’m alright.” seonghwa throws the peppers into the pan on the stove and listens to the sizzling. the sound is almost meditative. he’s always loved cooking, he found comfort in it, comfort in eating good food and feeding the people he loves. his friends definitely never complained about a good, home cooked meal.
“he kept staring at you. he didn’t even look at his girlfriend once.”
“that doesn’t mean anything.” that response seemed to silence wooyoung. it did mean something, they both knew that. they both saw hongjoong’s reaction to wooyoung touching seonghwa. it was clear that he was jealous. but what was the point in dwelling on it? it isn’t like they’d see each other again, anyways. hongjoong was clearly happy with sihyeon. if his memory was right, they were even wearing couple rings.
seonghwa just moves the peppers around, listens to them sizzle.
-
it’s a week later, when seonghwa’s laying in bed after a long day at work, that he gets a call from an unknown number. seonghwa has his glasses on, his nintendo switch probably way too close to his face, playing animal crossing. he has alway been dedicated to that game like a religion. he watches the call ring through and decides to ignore it, too busy shopping for his island to entertain a spam call. that is, until the same number calls again, and then a third time. on the fourth call, seonghwa sighs and answers the call.
“wooyoung, prank calling me from the living room stopped being funny six months ago.”
“you’ve been with him for that long?” that is definitely not wooyoung’s voice, but it’s a voice seonghwa recognizes.
“hongjoong? it’s ten at night.” seonghwa tries to act normal, like it isn’t a little world-tilting that hongjoong is calling him late for no reason, just like he used to. they used to stay up for hours on the phone like they didn’t have work early. those times felt like they were the only two people in the world. that’s what it felt like to seonghwa, at least. after everything happened, he always wondered if he meant as much to hongjoong as hongjoong meant to him. after mulling that thought over a thousand times, he could never find a solid answer.
“i know. i just wanted to see how you’ve been doing.”
“that could have been a text message.”
“i wanted to hear your voice.” hongjoong responds like it’s obvious. he had always said things like that so easily.
“i don’t think you have the right to feel that way. not anymore.” seonghwa puts him on speaker and decides to text wooyoung. he knows the little gremlin is awake. he probably won’t sleep until three. so he lets wooyoung know that hongjoong is on the phone, and he immediately hears rustling sounds from the room next to him.
“can we just talk?” wooyoung slowly opens seonghwa’s bedroom door, stepping inside and closing it behind him. he sneaks up to the empty side of seonghwa’s bed and slips under the blanket, being as quiet as he can.
“about what? we have nothing to talk about.”
“sihyeon broke up with me. i know why she did. she saw how i looked at you. when i saw you, it’s like something changed. i miss you.”
seonghwa can practically feel the anger radiating from wooyoung. he’s gripping the blanket so violently that his knuckles are white. seonghwa fights the urge to yell. he wants to be the bigger person, to finally let everything go. but he still feels stuck in the same feelings he had two years ago. he wants to be his old self, from before hongjoong, but he’s still struggling to find himself. he remembers every single detail of their relationship like it just ended. hongjoong’s words bruise him the same as they did before.
“you don’t get to run back to your secret after your girlfriend leaves you, hongjoong. i won’t let myself go back to that. we could have been so good together if you just let us. you don’t get to call me up when you want some sort of comfort. i loved you so much, hongjoong. but you threw me away as soon as you saw an out. i’ve loved you for years, but you never even said those words. i’m exhausted from loving you. please, leave me alone.” seonghwa holds back the tears that are threatening to fall. they sting his eyes so bad that he squeezes them closed. wooyoung drops his head onto seonghwa’s shoulder, throwing an arm around him for comfort.
“seonghwa, please. i’m ready. i’ll do whatever you want me to. i’ll show you off to the whole world, i don’t care. i loved you, i always did. i always will.” hongjoong sounds like he’s crying. his voice is thick, like he’s holding back a sob.
“it’s too late, hongjoong.”
hanging up the phone and blocking the number is one of the hardest things seonghwa has had to do. to hear that the man he loves is willing to do anything, to hear that he really does love him, is surreal. he feels like he’s dreaming. but it’s two years too late, and he can’t subject himself to the same hurt a second time. he tosses his phone off the bed and curls into wooyoung, crying just the same as the first time.