Chapter Text
I love you, but, because inexplicably I love in you something more than you - the object petit a - I mutilate you.
- Jacques Lacan
When Junho entered this 2-by-2-meter kennel, the first thing he noticed was the dead goldfish. It wasn't hard to get in there. The landlady was only glad to finally see at least someone willing to pay for this semblance of an apartment. The police ID also helped – people usually get lost quickly when they see it. Perhaps it's because of a subconscious fear that officer have come after them, even if they haven't done anything illegal. Perhaps it's just subservience to those in power. After all, no one even knows if the ID cards are real, their prefrontal cortex instantly decides to obey for them. Sometimes, Junho feels like he's no different from defenseless, obedient civilians, at least when it comes to his brother. "Stay out of this," Inho said when he was accused of bribery and fired in disgrace. And Junho really tried to stay out of it. Tried to give him time. Space. Everything is as he asked. "We'll talk later, Junho."
"I don't need any support, I just want to be alone, Junho."
"It's better if we don't see each other for a while, Junho. Tell your mother that I'm fine."
"I'll be away for a while, could you take care of Jimin? I promise that I will deal with everything as quickly as I can."
He had never had the will and desire to resist that confident, focused, and calm tone. Inho just needed to say a few basic words of support, and Junho was already relaxing. Now he regrets that he was never able to become a worthy support for his brother in return. All he did was constantly rely on him, take, pour out his worries, occupy his free time, waste his moral resources. Inho's presence was so comfortable, filling, like air, all that emptiness that one constantly feels in the subcortex of consciousness. Others filled it with marriage, God, a successful career, or drugs. Junho had an older brother.
He kept asking him to come home. "You don't have to take off this goshiwon, come back to us, we miss your cooking skills," he tried to joke. "I'm not coming back, Junho." It's that simple. Just a few words in response to his entreaties. Just accept it and stop bothering him, Junho. He will not return home, nor will his smile, his sparkle in eyes, laughter, jokes, gatherings, birthdays. Everything that happened between them seemed to have happened in another life, in some kind of dream. "Everything will be fine, I'm just not in the best condition to see each other yet," he assured. "Believe in me. Trust me, Junho."
He always wanted to believe, even when everything went downhill. That was the kind of man Inho was –reliable, always helpful, never angry. Apparently, he had no one to rely on at a critical moment, and Junho knows that he will blame himself for the rest of his life. He tries to reject these thoughts, but what else is there to think about when the closest person goes missing?
Junho will find him. He didn't just graduate from university, he's a future detective. "What is the most important thing in a successful investigation, Junho? Patience, observation, and attention to detail. Take a closer look". Dirty white wallpaper, cheap furniture, all things in their proper places. The owner was clearly in a hurry and didn't even take his bathroom accessories or suitcase with him. Despite this, the bed is made, which means he left in the afternoon or early evening.
Besides the fish, there are also books on the table. Lacan's Psychology of Desire, The Catcher in the Rye, Camus, Nietzsche and several books on art - Holbein, Van Gogh, Picasso, Magritte, Monet. His gaze fell on two photographs of a painting, one large directly above the table and the other on the right. The strange combination of the night landscape and the shining lantern with the daytime cloudy sky seemed to possess magnetism, awakening anxiety in Junho. Something's wrong.
Yes, his brother has always been interested in literature and philosophy, but since when did he become such an art lover? Was he doing this in this little room, refusing meetings, not answering messages, not visiting Jimin's grave, ignoring calls, – studying creative directions? Of course, Junho knew about such a protective reaction of the psyche as escapism, but this was not like his brother. He always chose action, practicality, and usefulness. The self-isolation and meticulous study of Impressionism in goshiwon simply did not fit his worldview. Although, looking back, what did Junho even know about his brother? If he really was trusted, he wouldn't be looking for Inho all over Seoul right now – his brother would have given his location on his own.
Jimin often said that Inho was made for a family and would make a wonderful father. "Look at you–you've been perfectly brought up by him! Hardworking, kind, helpful, caring! You're all Inho, I wish he would show his emotions so openly more often," she remarked with a smile at family meetings. Junho agreed in response and started teasing Inho, kicking him under the table with the words "Come on, show us that Hollywood smile." But there was a rotten feeling of guilt inside. If only they knew what Junho really was like with his wrong thoughts, desires, and actions. He wonder if he's like this by nature or because of his daddy issues? Did he have a chance to grow up normal, not upset his mother, and become worthy of his brother?
Inho was really made for a family, as Junho knows from his own experience. This caring, responsible, and sometimes even overly protective man has been an ideal all his life. A natural leader and provider of the family, he was strict but fair at work, but at home he turned into a soft and gentle brother whom he wanted to obey. It's interesting how Junho was never afraid of him, even when he made him angry.
An avalanche of regret covers Junho – he should have asked to meet more persistently, he should not have left Inho alone with his thoughts, he should have continued to guard the house like a real stalker – anything to provide help and support. Maybe then he wouldn't-
You can't think about it. Must not. Must not. Must not. Inho is alive and he's fine, he wouldn't have gone to the bridge. He's strong, and Junho will help him, all that remains is to find him. Hide–and-seek was his favorite childhood game. Inho often got tired of looking for him because Junho would sit for hours until he was victorious. Then Inho gave up, asked to come out of hiding at last. "What's the point of playing a game if you just sit silently in one position for a few hours? Aren't you bored yourself, Junho?" He's not bored. There was a point. For several hours, Inho thought and searched only for him: at such moments, neither his annoying homework, nor his friends, nor his girlfriend existed – only Junho was in his mind. At least that's what he thought. Looking back, Junho admits that, yes, he was an unloved child with oddities. Well, the psychological problems didn't go away, he just learned to hide them behind a smile from ear to ear and a beautiful appearance. Did his brother notice his mask? This thought makes Junho feel a strange aching heaviness in his chest. Did he notice Inho's mask himself?
The eye catches on a black box with a pink ribbon. This bright, cheerful color absolutely does not fit into the dull interior of his brother. Opening the box, Junho already knows that he has found a key clue. Inside is a familiar business card with three figures. Junho turns it over and sees the number. The puzzle is coming together.